# Can



## AmZ (Sep 20, 2012)

Can anyone hear me? I'm feeling frighteningly alone.


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## Retired (Sep 20, 2012)

Are you in the hospital where you can call on one of the support staff?

I happened to check on the Forum for a moment, but have to be away most of the rest of the day.

As you can imagine, most of us have responsibilities that need attention, so we may not be able to respond immediately, which is why you need to have local nearby support resources when you need help ASAP.

What is causing your difficulty at this time?     Are you thinking suicide, as you posted this in the suicide section?

If so, you need to immediately get hospital staff to help you, call a crisis line or if feel in immediate danger, call the local emergency police/medical/rescue number.

Suicide is never the answer, AmZ,

Promise to keep yourself safe until you can see your doctor.


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## MHealthJo (Sep 20, 2012)

I hear you, AmZ! Going to bed soon though.

Please be safe! Hug.


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## AmZ (Sep 20, 2012)

I'm using the term 'suicide' lightly but nevertheless I am feeling very hopeless and helpless. It's more of a passive thing than anything. I.e. not wanting to wake up in the morning. Just wanting this to be all over. Not knowing what to do with myself next. Deteriorating. 

Talk of the rehabilitation program maybe not being suited to me. By a few people, staff members. Then me self-harming and not telling amyone. Then feeling like a failure. What can I do? I can't live anywhere near a normal life I'm in such a state. 

Can't sleep. My dad telling me 'no wonder why, you're waking up in a mental hospital each morning and that's in your mind when you go to bed at night... The hospital is not the place for you'. So where is my place and do I have one?

Thinking a lot about my nieces and that they wouldn't be so badly off without me. 

Me and my sister have been in touch with our mum the last few months after 11 years of a seriously rocky relationship - now our mum wants to fly out to see us (and of course wants to see her "grandchildren") and now my sister has gone all cold on her and I am in the middle. My mum is asking me why my sister is being off with her and my sister said not to say anything. 

Fed up of these quick and depressing conversations with my sister. 

A girl just flipped a switch and went crazy and four men came and took her by her arms and legs whilst she screamed. Unpleasant. 

I have a hell of a lot of stuff on my mind and feel myself falling again the last couple of days. 

Medications, honestly, seem to be doing nothing. Therapy just agrivates me. 

Sorry, I have a lot going on. More things.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 20, 2012)

Therapy may aggravate you but in the long run that's the path to having a life outside an institution. But you have to learn to stop looking for shortcuts, the quick fix, the easy way... that condemns you to staying exactly where you are. Therapy is hard work but without that work there can be no growth for you.

As for people saying you're not ready for the rehab program, you already know that I have strong doubts about that as well.

But what others think may not be the most important factor: Do YOU think you're ready?


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## AmZ (Sep 20, 2012)

> But what others think may not be the most important factor: Do YOU think you're ready?



I don't know if it's a question of me being ready. I think that it's more to do with whether it's suited to me. But I go back and forth on that. I don't have a hard enough exterior to literally battle it out there. I collapse and find myself in my bed frozen with depression and anxiety - it's a real tough going place. Maybe it's what I need after all. Maybe not. 

Then I'm still on the self-harming track of screwing up again and again and feeling like I'm going to do it again. Where does it all end? In misery? I can't SI in the rehab program, secret or not. 

I believe that I am also 'sick' because I am in the hospital. It's obviously not the healthiest of places to be in. It brings me down, I'm isolated, I'm not growing as a person but feel like I'm staying the same or feeling even worse. 

I don't know what the hell to do with myself. I get little ideas like asking to take Cymbalta but I think I've already come to the conclusion that medications aren't going to help me much at all. At least my body. 

I am so amped up and frustrated, it is no wonder I can't sleep. My dad is right.


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## MHealthJo (Sep 20, 2012)

There is so much going on and the overwhelming feelings can be so difficult. But any day that you do wake up, any night that you fall asleep - or don't -  is a success you can chalk up. You have chosen to be here. You have not chosen to do anything preventing or jeapordising that.

If you are still here, there is hope. 

Therefore every moment that you are still here -  whatever uncertainty, pain, anxiety, or agitation it has - also has hope in it. 

Whatever is wrong, whatever is uncertain, whatever isn't good: one thing is right, and certain, and good: that you are here, and that this means that there is hope. 

Different people have used different ways to think about life, and the universe around them, and what it means. 

I wonder if you are sometimes able to think about life being connected - that is, the life forms around us, whether plant or animal or human, the totality, and how really they are connected, in some way, or  all connected to each other; and how perhaps there is a connection between you and the earth and the universe itself. I wonder if this thought can help a person to feel that they are never truly alone, in the really tough times... 

And yet, with these kinds of illnesses, it is strange how sometimes for chemical reasons perhaps, there is that sheer physical, almost "biological" feeling of aloneness, disconnection... But this sharp feeling of aloneness and disconnection, feeling it to that strong degree, will pass in time. And even the lesser degrees... if we are patient and keep on keeping on, even if it is so hard... there can come a day when even that lesser degree of aloneness can really become a much smaller part of our life, that only visits occasionally, or disappears entirely. 

Our future can hold these good things; and sometimes if the present is so difficult, perhaps we can focus on the fact that we do not know and CAN NOT know our future... no matter how much sometimes we think that we do... we do not and can not know what good things it could contain and what difficult things may no longer be affecting us, there. So many of us have had times where we could not conceive of the futures that have now become our "presents". We wish now that we could slap our past selves in the face with our futures, to show the positivity that exists there...

I wish you strength to get through this time. Hug!


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