# Learning How To Say I'm Sorry



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 17, 2012)

*Learning How To Say 'I'm Sorry.'*
By Michael Craig Miller, M.D., Harvard Medical School  
October 24, 2012[/I]

 Anyone  who's had to apologize for something knows how difficult it can be to  get the words out. Yet an apology is often the first step toward  repairing a damaged relationship, be it personal or professional.  Although not all mental health experts agree on this, an apology may be a  prerequisite for forgiveness.

*A Genuine Apology Fosters Healing*
  Conflict and error can occur in any relationship. People make mistakes,  lash out in anger or say things they regret later. In fact, one of the  main reasons people undergo psychotherapy is to try to resolve personal  conflicts, betrayals and hurts. And some therapists integrate formal  apologies into couples or family therapy. 

 To be  effective, an apology has to be genuine, says Dr. Aaron Lazare, a  professor of psychiatry and former chancellor of the University of  Massachusetts Medical School, who has been studying this topic since  1993. Dr. Lazare has said, "A good apology can foster healing, but a  faulty apology only makes a bad situation worse." 

  You need to understand the nature of the hurt you've caused and then  address it in the apology. For example, if a person you have offended  feels humiliated, then the apology might be worded in a way to restore  self-respect and dignity. If you've made a mistake that causes someone  an injury, damages property or causes some other financial loss, an  apology might include a promise to provide compensation or take  corrective action so the mistake doesn't happen again.

  An apology doesn't guarantee forgiveness, of course. And in some cases  the offended party may be too hurt or angry to accept an apology. One  dramatic example is sexual abuse: Some victims may need to hear a  genuine apology in order to come to terms with the injury, while others  never want to deal with the perpetrator again.

*Four Steps to a Genuine Apology *
  A genuine apology acknowledges an offense and expresses remorse. But  it's hard for people to get it right. According to Dr. Lazare, an  effective apology has four parts while ineffective apologies usually  miss the mark in one of these areas.


*Acknowledge the offense.*  The most common error people make is not to adequately acknowledge the  offense by using vague or evasive language, or by wording the apology in  a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was  really hurt. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a  physical or psychological harm, and confirm that the behavior was not  acceptable. Sometimes people apologize for the wrong offense or address  the wrong party.



*Explain what happened.* The  challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing  it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.  "A humble remark is better than a dumb excuse," Dr. Lazare says.



*Express remorse.* If you regret the error, feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: This is all part of expressing sincere remorse.



*Offer to make reparation.*  If the offense has hurt someone's feelings or caused a specific loss,  acknowledge the pain, promise to be more sensitive in the future and  offer appropriate compensation for any financial losses.

 When  apologizing, listen carefully to the offended person. This may be as  important as speaking. Although it's never easy to remain quiet while  someone else expresses anger, sadness or disappointment, it's necessary  to truly hear what the person is saying. Active listening can help you  understand what the other person wants from your apology, such as to  restore dignity or to recognize fault.

 Timing and  delivery of an apology also matter. Although you should apologize as  soon as possible after the mistake is discovered or acknowledged, a  sincere apology may not be enough to restore trust after a significant  personal betrayal. The person who feels wronged may need to know what  specific steps will be taken to make amends and minimize future pain.  This may take time and several conversations.

*Examples of Good and Bad Apologies *
 Here are examples of _effective_ apologies and why they work:

*From one spouse to another:*  "I'm sorry I lost my temper last night. I've been under a lot of  pressure at work, but that's no excuse for my behavior. I love you and  will try harder not to take my frustrations out on you."

_Why it works:_  The speaker is taking responsibility, explaining but not excusing the  mistake, expressing remorse and caring, and promising reparation.

*From a doctor to a patient:*  "I prescribed the wrong dose of your medication. I apologize for this  mistake. It shouldn't have happened. I'd like to talk with you about  what how we can safeguard your health in the future."

_Why it works:_  The physician is taking responsibility, describing the mistake,  expressing a caring attitude and beginning a conversation about how to  remedy the error.
​
Here are examples of _ineffective_ apologies and why they are a problem:

*"I apologize for whatever happened."* 

_Why it doesn't work:_ The language is vague and the offense isn't specified.

*"Mistakes were made."*

_Why it doesn't work:_ Using the passive voice avoids taking responsibility.

*"To the degree that you were hurt..."*

_Why it doesn't work:_ The wording casts doubt on whether the injured party was really harmed.

*"Even the best people make mistakes." *

_Why it doesn't work:_ This expresses arrogance rather than humility.
​
 If  you are interested in making a genuine apology, try to validate that an  offense has occurred and that you are at fault. In some instances, you  may need to help restore a person's dignity and power. Make sure you  show that you feel bad and that you care about the person you have hurt.  This approach can provide an entr?e into a dialogue based on shared  values, and you can begin to right a wrong.

*References* 
Allan A, et al. Exploration of the Association Between Apology and  Forgiveness Amongst Victims of Human Rights Violations. _Behavioral  Sciences and the Law_ (2006), Vol. 24, No. 1, pp. 87?102.

  DiBlasio F. The Use of a Decision-Based Forgiveness Intervention Within  Intergenerational Family Therapy. _Journal of Family Therapy_ (Feb.  1998), Vol. 20, No. 1, pp. 77?94.

 Kohn LT, et al. _To Err is Human: Building a Safer Health System_ (Washington, D.C.: National Academies Press, 2000).

 Lazare A. Apology in Medical Practice: An Emerging Clinical Skill.  _Journal of the American Medical Association_ (Sept. 20, 2006), Vol. 296,  No. 11, pp. 1401?04.

 Lazare A. _On Apology_ (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2004).

 Leape LL. Full Disclosure and Apology: An Idea Whose Time Has Come.  _Physician Executive_ (March?April 2006), Vol. 32, No. 2, pp. 16?18.

 Legaree TA, et al. Forgiveness and Therapy: A Critical Review of  Conceptualizations, Practices, and Values Found in the Literature.  _Journal of Marital and Family Therapy_ (April 2007), Vol. 33, No. 2, pp.  192?213.

 Roberts RG. The Art of Apology: When and How to Seek  Forgiveness. _Family Practice Management_ (July-Aug. 2007), Vol. 14, No.  7, pp. 44?49.

_When Things Go Wrong: Responding to Adverse  Events_ (Boston: Massachusetts Coalition for the Prevention of Medical  Errors, 2006).

_Michael  Craig Miller, M.D. is Editor in Chief of the Harvard Mental Health  Letter. He is also associate physician at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical  Center and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School. He has been  practicing psychiatry for more than 25 years and teaches in the Harvard  Longwood Psychiatry Residency Program._


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