# Question about depression



## boi (Mar 5, 2008)

Firstly, sorry for posting yet again. I feel like I am getting needy and posting too much. I just want to know if the following is a part of depression. I dont have any feeling, I can just describe my feeling as a form of desperation. What I mean is, I dont feel sad anymore just nothing. I feel like I need to get something out and I dont know what...thats why I say desperate. I also, cannot focus on anything esp work. I was literally staring at the computer screen wishing it was time to go home even though I had work to do, it was so hard doing it. I pretended most of today and getting out of my seat eveyr 10 min. I couldnt even focus on the music playing in my headphones. I am home now but even still I dont want to watch tv or do anything...I want to do something but I cant bring myself to do it. are these feelings of depression? I know this might be a silly question but I still do not know how to identify feelings and its so annoying. Has anyone experienced this?
I feel like this often when I think back but I am trying to identify it now so I can label it I guess.


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## Halo (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*

First Boi you never need to apologize for posting here or feeling like you post too much.  That is what this forum is all about.  Posting when you need support and insight.

I can really relate to what you said here:



> I also, cannot focus on anything esp work. I was literally staring at the computer screen wishing it was time to go home even though I had work to do, it was so hard doing it. I pretended most of today and getting out of my seat eveyr 10 min



I have many days when I am struggling with my depression and anxiety and I do the same thing.  I will say that I _try_ not to get too down on myself on those days because I know that the good productive days will happen again, it is just a matter of time.



> I know this might be a silly question but I still do not know how to identify feelings and its so annoying.



I don't think that this is a silly question at all.  You may want to have a look at these posts to gain a better understanding of your feelings:

Feelings and Thoughts that Control Them

Insight Into Feelings


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## boi (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*

thanks Halo
thanks for the links as well. i think i have a problem even identifying. I defintly know when Im angry and sad but the others are very difficult for me..the insight into negative feelings is good, it forces me to think about it. I still am very uncomfortable with "hurt". Even hearing it in my head makes me cringe. does that make sense?


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## Halo (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*

Boi are you currently seeing a therapist that you can talk to them about about this?  

Yes I do think that identifying anger and sadness are easier because identifying hurt and the uncomfortable feeling that goes with it requires us to look deep within ourselves and realize that we are vulnerable. It definitely is hard and one that I don't think can be rushed to be pushed out...just let it come naturally and it will in time.


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## boi (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*

i am seeing a therapist...and thanks for your support


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## lallieth (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*



boi said:


> i am seeing a therapist...and thanks for your support


Boi

are you bored? are you bored with life,work etc and want something MORE in your life? something new and worthwhile? I think what you described could be attributed to depression,but it could also be that you are just bored,and tired of the same old routine.
We can all get like that every so often,and when I do I try and find something new to do.It seems that life can get so same old same old,and stale that we crave something different,something a little more exciting.

Perhaps you can look into joining a group,a local program that gets you out and meeting new people.I recently joined a cooking class that meets once a week and I am looking foward to the first class

How about a new hobby? something you have always wanted to try...just some ideas


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## boi (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*

yeah Lallieth,
I am bored. I have a plan but it starts in September (back to school for me). Its hard for me to join groups because I feel like such an outsider. I did join a band recently but for some reason I am not excited about it. You are right about the boredom. I know I hate my job right now but because of school in September I feel like I should stick with it and not get some other job that will be boring as well. Maybe I should push myself and join some class. My art right now is pretty good so at least I have that to fall back on.


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## lallieth (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*



boi said:


> yeah Lallieth,
> I am bored. I have a plan but it starts in September (back to school for me). Its hard for me to join groups because I feel like such an outsider. I did join a band recently but for some reason I am not excited about it. You are right about the boredom. I know I hate my job right now but because of school in September I feel like I should stick with it and not get some other job that will be boring as well. Maybe I should push myself and join some class. My art right now is pretty good so at least I have that to fall back on.



Is there a place where you can go swimming an indoor pool,even that,being some physical exercise would help.You aren't alone in disliking your job,especially if you are doing the same things over and over at work

But I really do suggest you get out and try something new,even if it's visiting a museum or joining friends ...


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## boi (Mar 5, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*

I will try and do that Lallieth. Thanks for your suggestions. Maybe go to a movie on the weekend. Sometimes when Im in this state I feel so self- conscience that I dont even like going out. but you are right I will try and force myself and ignore myself being self-conscience


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## lallieth (Mar 6, 2008)

*Re: question about depression*



boi said:


> I will try and do that Lallieth. Thanks for your suggestions. Maybe go to a movie on the weekend. Sometimes when Im in this state I feel so self- conscience that I dont even like going out. but you are right I will try and force myself and ignore myself being self-conscience


That's it Boi..just go OUT and do something different..Let me know how it goes


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## Halo (Mar 6, 2008)

I would like to point out that I don't think that just going OUT is going to relieve the depression that you are experiencing Boi.  While it may help somewhat, I do think that talking to your therapist about the feelings and thoughts that you are having is very important.


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## boi (Mar 6, 2008)

thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate them. I will be seeing my therapist next week so I will try and tell her all this. Try and explain as best as possible how I feel.
thanks again


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## Retired (Mar 6, 2008)

BOI,

You articulated very well how you have been feeling in the this thread, and you may consider printing the thread or writing down your excellent descriptions of your feelings to bring to your therapist.

It's always easier to write these things down while at home and relaxed than trying to reconstruct and remember all the feelings while sitting in your therapist's office.


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## Halo (Mar 6, 2008)

Boi what I have found helpful in the past when I anticipate having trouble explaining how I am feeling or what is happening for me to my therapist is to print off my post(s) here and bring them to my therapy session.  I find it really helpful as does my therapist. If you are concerned with your therapist knowing about this forum etc. you can always cut and paste your post(s) into a Word document and print it that way.

In any event, I do hope that you talk to your therapist and are able to tell her how you are feeling and what you have been experiencing.

Take care and let us know how your appointment goes.

Added:  It looks like TSOW and I had the same idea at the same time


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## boi (Mar 6, 2008)

TSOW said:


> You articulated very well how you have been feeling in the this thread, and you may consider printing the thread or writing down your excellent descriptions of your feelings to bring to your therapist.



i will do that.....



Halo said:


> you can always cut and paste your post(s) into a Word document and print it that way.



I will be doing it this way thanks again


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

I was going to start a new thread but then  I decided to continue this one. Even that is hard to decide today. I just have not been that great the past few days. I am glad this board is here. Logically, I know this board is here for everyone to post but I still feel like Im becoming a nuisance. either way, i feel better sometimes when I post. I feel like the depression is getting slightly worse. Sad again and not knowing why just being sad. I recently quit weed as well and I can say that I would love to get high. I know I must not and won't but I would love to. I think I know now why I was "self-medicating" in the first place. I just don't feel like doing anything, I cant focus. I just want to stare at the ceiling and pull everything out of me. (i dont know what that is)


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## Into The Light (Mar 7, 2008)

you're not a nuisance although it's really easy to believe that when we are depressed.

i commend you for stopping with the weed. it certainly doesn't help matters, even if it's temporarily giving you relief, in the long run it only will add to the depression. if you feel the urge to give in try to distract yourself or post here. we can talk you away from it 

i was just wondering when you will be seeing your therapist again?


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

Into The Light said:


> i commend you for stopping with the weed. it certainly doesn't help matters, even if it's temporarily giving you relief, in the long run it only will add to the depression. if you feel the urge to give in try to distract yourself or post here. we can talk you away from it
> 
> i was just wondering when you will be seeing your therapist again?



thanks alot I might need to distract myself...drugs are my weekness...I am seeing my therapist early next week but they didnt confirm my appointment and now I'm stressing about that too. Stressing and obsessing about it..I hate being in this state


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## Into The Light (Mar 7, 2008)

i know this may be easier said than done but knowing that there is nothing you can do about the appointment until monday morning means that worrying about it all weekend won't make a bit of difference. do you think you might be able to let go of the worry for two days?


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

I'm trying to say to myself, whatever happens, happens. Monday Ill leave another message and then if I dont get a response Ill worry about it then. That's what I'm trying to say to myself. Maybe Ill feel better tomorrow seeing its Saturday and I dont have to work. Tonight is the hardest. Seeing I cant find anything to do that I can even barely focus on a little. I want to finish a painting but I dont know if I can bring myself to do it. I know that I get this way and I just ride it out. I really hope the medication starts working soon. Isn't this supposed to go away?


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## Into The Light (Mar 7, 2008)

when did you start with the medication?

medication may take some time to start working and before you start to feel better. officially it's 6-8 weeks but in practice it seems a lot of people start to feel a difference after 2 weeks.

as for the painting, is the thought of it too overwhelming?


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

I'm on risperidone, so apparently it takes a few days to kick in but I'm on a very low dosage to start so I can get used to it first. I am not sure if I would say overwhelming. When I think about putting the brush to the paper I see frustration and annoyance and I just want to take my brush and jab the paper instead. No patience maybe, frustration and a hatred of my artwork.


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## ladylore (Mar 7, 2008)

boi said:


> I was going to start a new thread but then  I decided to continue this one. Even that is hard to decide today. I just have not been that great the past few days. I am glad this board is here. Logically, I know this board is here for everyone to post but I still feel like Im becoming a nuisance. either way, i feel better sometimes when I post. I feel like the depression is getting slightly worse. Sad again and not knowing why just being sad. I recently quit weed as well and I can say that I would love to get high. I know I must not and won't but I would love to. I think I know now why I was "self-medicating" in the first place. I just don't feel like doing anything, I cant focus. I just want to stare at the ceiling and pull everything out of me. (i dont know what that is)



I can assure you that you are not a nuisance Boi. Its why we are here to provide support.  

Over a year ago I stopped smoking weed myself and I know that my emotions were all over the place for a while. I started using to self-medicate myself but all the symptoms you have described were in fact some side effects of this particular drug.

You may want to write a list of things that can distract you when these cravings to use come on. It was helpful to me to have something to refer to in those times.

I know you are going through a hard time but I am glad you quit using. That took alot of guts. :hug::hug:


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

ladylore said:


> Over a year ago I stopped smoking weed myself and I know that my emotions were all over the place for a while. I started using to self-medicate myself but all the symptoms you have described were in fact some side effects of this particular drug.
> 
> You may want to write a list of things that can distract you when these cravings to use come on. It was helpful to me to have something to refer to in those times.
> 
> I know you are going through a hard time but I am glad you quit using. That took alot of guts. :hug::hug:





I stopped using about a month ago, would there still be side effects?


What could I write down?


thanks for your nice words, but I don't feel for me it took guts. I quit heroin 10 years ago and I didn't even feel that it took guts either. I guess I dont give any credit to myself.


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## ladylore (Mar 7, 2008)

boi said:


> I stopped using about a month ago, would there still be side effects?



For marajana to pass through your system it takes about 3 months. It is stored in your fat cells so you may notice that every time you sweat you feel high again - this just means its getting out of your system. It does take time for your body to adjust again and heal itself - mood swings are common, crying one moment and feeling fine the next. Its ok

You may have already said something in one of your earlier posts so I do apologise beforehand - but are you seeing anyone about depression or for addiction counselling? I know I had to go on anti-depressants for a year to that my seratonin levels were back up to normal.



> What could I write down?



Well when I started out one of the first thing on my list was go to a meeting. At that time it was a 12-step thing but the main thing was to get myself around safe people. Are you involved with anything like that right now Boi?

Other things on my list were things like

When was the last time I ate something?
Drink a glass of water?
Phone someone supportive - name of person, phone number
Go out some place safe - name of place, address, bus route (write it all down)
Wash dishes
Have some safe fun (go to a movie...)

......And the list goes on from there.


I still say you have guts Boi:friends: You have kicked heroin in the past and I believe you can do this too.

Take care

:hug:


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

I am being treated for bipolar II and yes I have a therapist. I used to go to NA but not anymore. I know this might sound like I am in denial but I truly believe that the weed is not my main problem. I do not want to go back to NA.


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## ladylore (Mar 7, 2008)

boi said:


> I am being treated for bipolar II and yes I have a therapist. I used to go to NA but not anymore. I know this might sound like I am in denial but I truly believe that the weed is not my main problem. I do not want to go back to NA.



I wouldn't say you in denial at all. That's ok that you don't go to NA, I outgrew NA myself.  The main thing is that you have support.

The main points for myself were doing my best not to isolate, keeping my blood sugar levels even and drinking plenty of fluids. Whatever you put on the distraction list is great. Heck, I have jigsaw puzzles on mine.


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## boi (Mar 7, 2008)

im going to go to the movies this weekend, hopefully that will help and I will make a list. Thanks so much ladylore and into the light. you seem like very supportive people :dimples:


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## ladylore (Mar 7, 2008)

Your welcome and take care.


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## Into The Light (Mar 7, 2008)

good luck this weekend, boi :goodjob:


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## Into The Light (Mar 7, 2008)

i should add that my comments about when medication starts to work apply to anti-depressants. i'm not sure what risperidone is and with your diagnosis of bipolar instead of depression i have no idea what the expected amount of time to feel a difference would be.


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