# 6 feet under



## Eye Stigmata (Oct 16, 2009)

I just need to write this down on here because I have no one I can talk to about this. I had been doing well with my coping strategies for a few months, with the odd slip here and there (more recently) But I had been doing well. I figured I was going to be ok and I really didn't need to SI anymore, I could be free of it. Tonight I SI worse than I have in a really long time. 

I'm wondering if it's possible to go through a withdrawl of SI or any other coping strategy to the point where you just crack because you haven't done it in so long, and it's the only thing that makes you feel better. And because you haven't done it for a long time, when you do, it's 100 times stronger than you would normally do.

I don't know...I feel like I need more help than I can afford. Right now I only do phone therapy every 2 weeks with my therapist who is back home. I feel like it's not enough...but I can't afford to see her every week. Now that I'm living on my own, my finances are 100% on me. And because I've been hiding my feelings from everyone I know...I feel like I can't ask my mom for help to pay for the therapy. 

Sometimes I do feel like letting go would just be easier...I'm 21 and I feel like I'm 80, my mind just never shuts off, my feelings never shut off. I just feel like I'm fighting myself every single day...


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 16, 2009)

In a crisis, people often revert to old coping skills. It sounds like that's what may have happened to you today.

I know you indicated that you don't want to ask for you mom for help with psychotherpy costs. Is that because you don't think she can afford it, or for other reasons?


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 17, 2009)

No, I'm pretty sure she can afford it...but I feel really bad asking for 1. She helped me with my moving expenses which was well over $2000.00, and she helped me pay some of the deposit for my house. 
She's trying to save for her retirement so I feel really guilty asking - though I know she would help me.
Also - I wanted to prove that I could be just fine on my own and that I could take care of myself and slowly cut back on therapy and be happy and....etc etc etc. I don't talk to anyone back home about my problems, I just want everyone to think I'm doing really well. My mom tells me how she tells people I'm doing well and how proud she is of me...so...I just can't take that away...and I don't want people to think I'm a failure.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2009)

I have adult children. If I thought one of them was in distress and didn't contact me for help, I'd be very upset.

I think she at least deserves the choice, don't you?


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## Fiver (Oct 17, 2009)

David Baxter said:


> In a crisis, people often revert to old coping skills.



I get this. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't." It feels safer to deal with something you are familiar with and know, even if it's not ideal, than take a risk with the unknown.

That's a hard one to break.

ES, this isn't a failure. It's a temporary setback, and I hope you'll start seeing it that way so that you can take an objective look at things to understand what needs to change.

Hang in there, baby.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2009)

By the way, are you a student? I forgot to ask...


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 17, 2009)

Thanks Fiver...that means alot. This is just a hard time...it has to pass right...

David... No I'm not a student. (which also makes me nervous going through the university...seems weird)

I know she has the choice....but I don't want her to know I'm even sad. I've been avoiding and not returning her phone calls for almost 2 weeks now...I just can't talk to her, I know I'll cry...It's just easier to not talk at all


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2009)

And what's wrong with crying?

It's important to me to make sure my adult children know I want to help whenever possible, and it's also important to me to know that they will contact me when they're in a crisis. Knowing that helps me to worry less about them, especially when they're far away.

Even if you don't want to do it for you, ES, do it for your mom.


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 17, 2009)

I feel like I'm protecting her in a way. She needs to know that I'm doing just fine. I can't have her worrying about me when she can't even get to me. I used to think she didn't care, and we've had the worst possible relationship, and now that I'm so far away...we get along. I don't want to ruin a good thing.
I told her about what happened to me when I was a kid, being sexually abused for 3 consistant years, by one of my nannies boyfriends.......and that nearly killed her.

I owe her some time to heal and realize that I'm okay. She spent so many months apologizing to me for what happened and blaming herself for being a bad parent...the last thing she needs is to feel worse or feel like she's not able to be here for me...


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2009)

> I feel like I'm protecting her in a way. She needs to know that I'm doing just fine.



If you were my daughter and I found out you were doing that, I can tell you I'd be so upset with you. I'd probably hop a plane to :smack: you. 

Stop pretending. You're 21. Alone. Far away from home. Stop trying to be Wonder Woman and go back to being a human being. There's no shame in being lonely, scared, and depressed. It happens to all of us.


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 17, 2009)

Why are you always right? mg:

I guess...I'll try calling around and seeing if I can find someone to see. If I can't find the help I need on my own then I will talk to my mom....maybe :lol:

Thanks for the support...I really appreciate it


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2009)

Eye Stigmata said:


> Why are you always right?



It's my job. I'm a dad.


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## Fiver (Oct 17, 2009)

Eye Stigmata said:


> ...the last thing she needs is to feel worse or feel like she's not able to be here for me...



Or maybe the last thing she needs is to have her daughter deciding what she needs. I hate when people make decisions on my behalf because they think they know what's best for me.

And it sounds, actually, like your mom needs to feel right now like there is something she can do for you that ISN'T just apologizing. She wants to somehow make things right and she doesn't know how....because you're not giving her many options. 

ES, allow her to make a choice. Swallow your pride, for something says that this may be more about you than her. Let her do what mothers do. Let her help.


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 17, 2009)

I just...I've never had an emotional relationship with my mom...I know it sounds bad, but I don't even know how to talk to her about what's going on. I don't want her to be worrying about me all the time. She's 60, this is the time when she's supposed to focus on wrapping up her career, getting ready for retirement, and watching her kid blossom into an adult. I don't want to have drama with my mom anymore. That's what the therapy is for, I can spill there but...I just want to be normal with my mom...


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## Banned (Oct 17, 2009)

I think it's worse for a parent when they intuitively know something is wrong, but are constantly told everything is fine.  They are powerless to help but they know you need their help and support.

I kind of had/have the same issues with my mom.  She doesn't understand mental illness so I kept things to myself until literally a few weeks ago.  What I realized though is that if she knows what's going on with me she'll worry less, and be more understanding when I'm moody, depressed, or struggling.  She knows I'm not going to sit down with her and have a heart to heart, but I'll give her facts - ie.  my therapist suspects this and this and we're waiting to see what happens.  These are the meds I'm on and they aren't working 100%.  I don't get into "This is how I feel" with her...but I give her the facts.  That way too, if I get really, really wonky, she knows something is really wrong and I might need help even when I don't realize it (ie if I went off my meds, or got suicidal, etc).

The facts in your case are that you're lonely and struggling and finding it difficult right now.  Maybe she'll send you a care package, or call more often, or whatever....but then she knows what's going on.


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## Fiver (Oct 17, 2009)

Hey, sixty is NOT that old, and you're still making decisions for her by saying what she's "supposed" to be focusing on. What you got right is that she should be watching her child blossom into mature adulthood, and part of being a parent is seeing that through. You never stop being a mother's child, never. She'll never stop wanting to help you be the blossom you both hope for.

It doesn't have to be emotional. It doesn't have to be a phone call, either. A hand-written letter (search google if you're unfamiliar with this anachronism) can be thoughtfully written in a way you feel comfortable. ES, for all you know she may, at this moment, feel a need to be of use to you somehow. By asking her for help, I'm guessing that you'll be doing her a favour.  Keep it as unemotional as you need to, but be honest. You're having trouble. You can't do it on your own. You need her right  now.

Being needed can make a big difference in a person's life.


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 17, 2009)

Yeah - that's true.

That's great that you've been able to talk more with your mom. I hope that I can find the strength to do that with my mom. 
Sometimes I worry that she won't understand me. I've pushed her away for so long that...she doesn't even really know me anymore. Even our drive to Ontario was awkward, I felt like I was sitting beside someone I hardly knew...It made me realize how much we had lost touch over the years, even though we were living together...it made me sad. I remember how sad and empty I felt after dropping her off at the airport.

I realize what you're saying is true...facts are more important for now rather than the details. I might give that a try. Thanks for sharing your story and offering support to help me make the right choice.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 17, 2009)

I really hope you call your mom i know i would want my daughter to call me no matter what.
Your mom probably already knows something is wrong we just tend to have intuition on things like when our kids need us.  Please call her she will be happy you reached out to her for support when  you needed it.  Give her the chance to be a mother to you when you need her.  Please call her okay just do it.


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