# Working while Waiting for Disability



## stargazer (May 23, 2006)

As I mentioned earlier, I finally applied for SSI and SSDI about two weeks ago. Since it will take an average of 160 days for my claim to be processed, I told myself I would continue to look for work. Then I wound up interviewing for a pretty good summer job which, though only a 6-week job, is very high-paying. They liked me a lot at the interview, but they're also interviewing three others. I'm supposed to have an answer today, in fact.

My concern is, if I work and make significant money while waiting for the disability claim to be approved, isn't it going to lessen my chances of getting disability? This also gives rise to a philosophical issue. I feel as though I have to either put my heart into receiving the disability, and characterizing myself as disabled; or into working, in which case I can't really view myself as disabled. The truth is actually somewhere in the middle, I suppose. I think a lot of people with bipolar disorder do work and function well, but part of my problem seems to be that because I am currently without meds, the mood swings are experienced as more severe.

All that aside, I just wonder if I am ruining my chances of getting disability by working, even on a temporary six-week job; and if, by getting disability, I am perhaps ruining my chances of returning to work on any kind of permanent or well-paying basis. I'm a little confused about the whole approach.


----------



## ThatLady (May 23, 2006)

Hmmm. This temporary job...is there any chance it might become permanent? Another thing...would the increased income from this job help you to get back on your medications, thereby making it more possible for you to find meaningful work and continue to get better?

I don't really know much about disability, so I don't know if being on disability hampers your chances of getting a well-paying job in future. I do know that if you have a job, even a temporary job, it's a lot easier to GET a good, permanent job. Don't ask me why that is. It seems stupid, but it's true.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 23, 2006)

I don't know how it works in the US, Stargazer. Here in Canada (or at least Ontario), disability isn't necessarily all-or-nothing. Once you are recognized as having a "disabled" status, there is also an acknolwedgement that the degree of disability can vary over time as well as from person to person... some can work short contracts or part-time, while others really cannot work at all. For those who are able to work partially, Ontario Disability has a a Supplement plan, where whatever you are able to earn is topped up to what they consider to be your living allowance (which usually is not a great deal of money).

You might want to ask someone in your area how they view short-term or part-time employment.


----------



## stargazer (May 23, 2006)

To address both your replies, I just learned that the same company who is considering hiring me for the summer job is hiring year-round. Since they already had my resume and references, I went ahead and applied for a position there. Also, a friend of mine who is on SSI and SSDI just gave me the number of a local person to call who can advise me as to the levels of disability vs. workability -- I don't think it's "all or nothing" here either. But if I *do* get hired full-time by the company, of course my preference would be to put my heart into the work, and as ThatLady says, I would be able to afford doctor's visits and medication in good time. I guess it will pay to keep all options open.


----------



## ThatLady (May 23, 2006)

In my experience, stargazer, it's always best to keep as many options open as you can. The more choices you have, the more chance you have of finding the best possible solution to your problems. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for you, hon!


----------



## stargazer (May 23, 2006)

Thanks!


----------



## Peanut (May 23, 2006)

Good luck Stargazer! It sounds like you are really thinking through all of the different angles. I know that the process for elgibility/determination for SSI and SSDI can be very taxing and complicated. My entire family works for the state disability office so I get to hear all about it all the time. It's not an easy thing to sort through by any means...

Anyway I just wanted to express my support. They work for the state so I'm not sure how generalized their knowledge is across the US but if you have any specific questions I could try asking and see if they know. My mom's been working there for almost 25 years and is really a wealth of knowledge and everyone is always going to her for information and clarification (and she lives with me so it's easy access!). But it sounds like you may have already located someone locally so maybe you've got things straightened out already. 

Good luck--I'm sure you'll make the right decision about the job.


----------



## Holly (May 23, 2006)

Good Luck Stargazer, 
I just wanted to wish you all the best, it would be important to find out the process, I know in Alberta, you can only make so much income if you work. It is different in the United States. Take care ok


----------



## stargazer (May 23, 2006)

Thanks, everyone, for your support. And Toeless, thanks for the offer. I'll let you know if I need to ask some questions of your Mom. And by the way, I have *not* yet heard about the job, which probably means she's still phoning everyone's references. It's about 9pm here in California, so it's unlikely I hear back tonight, unless by e-mail.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

It's occurred to me that there's a whole other level to all of this. It's one thing to get the doctor's appointments, the medications, and eventually the disability check. But does that solve the problem? When I first went to the County Mental Health Center, my overwhelming need was for someone to *talk* to. I find that on a forum like this, on the Internet, I simply don't open up. Who would? I can't just post what's going on with me, for everyone to read. I need to be sitting across from a therapist, saying, "Look, this is what happened to me, here's where I am now, so where do I go?" And I can't figure it all out inside my own head.

Anyway, they told me that it would be a lot easier for them to get a therapist to me than a doctor, but now they've given me this doctor's appointment, it's almost a month away, and I think they just forgot about the whole therapy thing. I just called them and left another message. I keep wondering if there's any other context in the community in which I can just show up and talk about my issues and not be judged, but be given ideas for direction and focus.

I guess I'm in the space where I don't trust that anything is going to help me. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I'm so frustrated with my overall situation, I can't see straight to make the next right choice.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

They may feel that getting you evaluated to go back on medication is the priority - and they may be right about that. However, there's nothing wrong with reminding them and requesting the referral to a therapist.

The only other option I can think of at the moment would be a support group - check to see of NMHA and similar groups has any support groups in your area.


----------



## Cat Dancer (May 24, 2006)

> I find that on a forum like this, on the Internet, I simply don't open up. Who would?


 Me. I guess I'm the opposite in that I don't think I can open up to somene in real life. It's easier here for some reason. I was hospitalized and in counseling years ago and I never was able to talk about my problems. 

I guess everyone's different? 



> I keep wondering if there's any other context in the community in which I can just show up and talk about my issues and not be judged, but be given ideas for direction and focus.



What about some kind of support group?


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Janet  said:
			
		

> I guess I'm the opposite in that I don't think I can open up to somene in real life. It's easier here for some reason. I was hospitalized and in counseling years ago and I never was able to talk about my problems. I guess everyone's different?



It might be that I was assuming everyone would know it was me who was opening up, in other words, that all these posts are traceable to my real identity in real life. I'd sort of forgotten that this was my choice to begin with, by linking to my web site and so forth (which initially was just in order to get web site hits--but now I've somehow started to open up a little more.) But believe it or not, that's all part of my issue, and all part of what I need to talk with a real-life therapist about. I'm sort of all weirded out about my relationship to the Internet, and to what extent it is hindering my real-world associations. (Not that the Internet is not part of the total "real world" -- but I think you know what I mean.)

In any case, I'm particularly disoriented this morning. I think, as Dr. Baxter says, they may be right in prioritizing the medication prior to the therapy. But I was also always taught (except by Kaiser) that medication alone without consistent therapy is insufficient. And it does seem to me that, while medication might be helpful or even necessary, there's no substitute for hashing out one's issues with someone whose purpose and training it is to deal with them effectively and provide ideas for focus and direction; i.e., a therapist.

Then again, once I'm working, my focus will again be on my work, and chances are I won't want to deal with my issues at all. They'll virtually have to creep up on me from behind and knock me flat. That's what happened last time, anyway.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

> I think, as Dr. Baxter says, they may be right in prioritizing the medication prior to the therapy. But I was also always taught (except by Kaiser) that medication alone without consistent therapy is insufficient. And it does seem to me that, while medication might be helpful or even necessary, there's no substitute for hashing out one's issues with someone whose purpose and training it is to deal with them effectively and provide ideas for focus and direction; i.e., a therapist.



I totally agree.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Yes, that seems to be about where to frame it. I think that, in Kaiser's case, they're simply understaffed. (At least at the department where I was.) I recall there was an initial therapy benefit which I later lost, and it devolved into meeting with a psychiatrist four times a year, only for the purpose of renewing a prescription. The psychiatrist & I met for a half-hour and talked only about classical music during that half-hour, because we had a mutual interest. Occasionally, I'd bring up one of my issues, and she would reply that her function was only to dispense medications. (Of course, I'm sure she had her own issues.)


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

The sad truth is that many psychiatrists do not do therapy at all. As in your experience, they review medications and change them or mix-and-match as required.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Yes, that was my experience with the Kaiser psychiatrist.


----------



## Cat Dancer (May 24, 2006)

> It might be that I was assuming everyone would know it was me who was opening up, in other words, that all these posts are traceable to my real identity in real life. I'd sort of forgotten that this was my choice to begin with, by linking to my web site and so forth (which initially was just in order to get web site hits--but now I've somehow started to open up a little more.) But believe it or not, that's all part of my issue, and all part of what I need to talk with a real-life therapist about. I'm sort of all weirded out about my relationship to the Internet, and to what extent it is hindering my real-world associations. (Not that the Internet is not part of the total "real world" -- but I think you know what I mean.)



That makes perfect sense.  I kind of get what you're saying about the Internet. I have worries about my relationship with it too.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Yes. And then, I tend to view someone like Dr. Baxter as an example of one whose relationship with the Internet appears to be very balanced. I like to think that once I'm working again, and I have less time on my hands, I too will be able to achieve a better balance. I do value my Internet friendships, but I start to worry when I feel that I am sending far more e-mails than I am receiving. This seems to indicate that most of the recipients are spending relatively less time on the Internet than I am. And that's a worry.

Also, and more to the point, there are a number of things I said and did when my initial manic episode was full-blown, for which I am still experiencing consequences, more than two years later. It was almost as though I required myself to converse with every stranger I met, and to engage them in conversation about my own interests, my own project, etc. It was all about me. And so, I fear that this will all come back at me somehow.

This occured both on the Internet and on the streets, while waiting for a bus or train, etc. It occurred in coffeehouses and even in the hospitals, when I could get away with it. And it wasn't just that I was being inordinately sociable. It was that the subject matter of these social interactions was always me, my project, and my delusion of grandeur. I honestly believed in those days that I was famous. I would often approach strangers and tell them I was a famous person. In reality, I'm not famous at all, unless I have a remarkable gift of enacting a self-fulfilling prophecy in this area.

In real life, I think they could tell that I was a little nutty, but on the Internet, I don't know how it came across. Plus, all those posts are still cached on search engines, and there's no way I can possibly remove them all. What I've done on the Internet is there forever, and it kind of scares me. Even if I've since cleaned up my Internet habits somewhat, Google's spiders don't seem to think so. 

In short, I'm not paranoid: the spiders of Google really *are* out to get me.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

If you're mainly worried about Google, rest assured that most of those cached pages are probably disappearing along with many others since the infamous "Big Daddy" update.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

What, pray tell, was the "Big Daddy" update?


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

Sorry. That was the latest major Google update that seems to have royally messed up their search results.

As an example, try typing "site:forum.psychlinks.ca" (without the quote marks) into a Google search. There should be thousands of pages listed. Instead, there are two. Webmasters all over the world are currently tearing out their hair :hair: and leaping tall buildings in a single bound  about this sort of thing at the moment, while Google tries to reassure us that it's all been fixed. :rant:

And now i really should go and ban myself for taking this thread fftopic:


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

I believe it was I who originally took the thread off-topic, but in my humble opinion, tangents are what life's all about. Tangents are invariably more interesting than former subjects from which they spring. And, on that same note, great men and women throughout history have accomplished their finest work during bouts of procrastination. And if one doesn't grasp the logical connection between tangenting and procrastination, one simply doesn't qualify to participate in discussions such like these.  :blank:


----------



## ThatLady (May 24, 2006)

Having perfected both the art of procrastination and the art of tangenting, I feel really qualified! I'm so pleased with myself!


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Kudos. There ought to be support groups where all that happens is that everyone sits around and procrastinates together for an hour, with no requirement for membership other than the willingness to go off on tangents.


----------



## Cat Dancer (May 24, 2006)

Hmm, i thought I took it off-topic. LOL.


----------



## ThatLady (May 24, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> Kudos. There ought to be support groups where all that happens is that everyone sits around and procrastinates together for an hour, with no requirement for membership other than the willingness to go off on tangents.



I thought that's what this forum was! Sheesh! Have I missed something?


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

I apologize. It was only my delusion of grandeur that credited myself with being the one who initiated the departure from the topic.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

> There ought to be support groups where all that happens is that everyone sits around and procrastinates together for an hour, with no requirement for membership other than the willingness to go off on tangents.



Of course, the first order of business would be who gets to procrastinate first. Given the nature of the participants, that one could go on for weeks.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Understood. It takes me quite a while sometimes (however paradoxically) to make the decision to procrastinate.


----------



## ThatLady (May 24, 2006)

Having, as I said, perfected the art of procrastination, I will naturally beat you all to the punch and be the first to procrastinate. In fact, I'm procrastinating as we speak!


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

It took me 10 minutes just to decide whether to reply to your post.


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

Well, the only reason I'm replying at all is because I'm procrastinating acting on my recent decision to stop procrastinating.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2006)

You people are so darn impulsive!


----------



## stargazer (May 24, 2006)

All things in moderation, sir--including patience.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

On a new and serious note, I did *not* get the six-week summer job for which I applied, but I *did* get a 2-week job with the same company, an actuallly better job, though only for 2 weeks. They also asked me to apply for a year-round position working with the same people as the 2-week job. It's really really good pay, even for only 2 weeks, so of course I accepted it.

Interestingly, all my upcoming appointments (MediCal on 6/15, PsychEval on 6/16) take place right before the job starts on 6/19. So it turns out I *can* easily both follow through with the disability/SSI stuff, and also go off and work. What I'm wondering is if working for 2 weeks (in which I'll make something like $1500) is going to be a blot on the SSI process, showing them that I actually *can* work. I'm just in the dark.

A friend of mine had her teaching credential and had taught for a number of years before something happened and now she has been on SSI for several years. She doesn't strike me as being unable to work, but what she said is that they don't go by inability to work, they go by how long has it been since you worked. So, if for whatever reasons someone is out of work, or has worked only minimally recently, is that what qualifies them for disability?

Maybe Toeless's Mom knows these answers. It's the weekend right now, and I don't feel like I can call anyone. And on that note, I've called Mental Health three times in the past week to see if they're ever going to get me a therapist, and they have not returned my calls. Ironically, this only increases my anger issues and frustration with the system, giving me all the more reason to need therapy.

Three years ago I'd have just made a phone call, and two or three days later been sitting in a cushy therapist's office. I did that a few times, even when I had Kaiser. I just went outside of Kaiser because I thought I needed more help. I even went to a psychiatrist outside of Kaiser to get a 2nd opinion. So I guess part of my frustration is that I was used to that convenience, and now I'm totally poor just like most of the rest of us, and I can't quite accept it.

But looking back, I was pretty spoiled back then. In some greater picture, poverty is probably teaching me a lesson...but ah, I digress.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 27, 2006)

First, congratulations on the job offers and possibilities, stargazer.

Second, I totally sympathize with your confusion and frustration with the mental health system, insurance carriers, and disability offices. It is a nightmare.

What I would suggest, though, is that if you have an opportunity to work and are able to work, go for it. You'll gain much more in self-esteem and satisfaction and it pays a whole lot better than disability.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

What you just said rings true for me. A lot of this is that I'm a person who is used to working, and to the feeling of gaining self-esteem through work. And I'm not a person who's used to the system--if anyone is. It really does seem, though, that my three friends on SSI are reasonably content with life. But I'm not sure if I would be.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 27, 2006)

There may well be times in your life when you need it and there is nothing at all wrong with being on disability when you do need it. But I think most of those who need to be on disability will tell you they'd rather not need to be on it.

From what I know about you, I think you need to feel that you are able to be both creative and contributing - when you are able to feel that, you are at your most content and your most fulfilled.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

David Baxter  said:
			
		

> From what I know about you, I think you need to feel that you are able to be both creative and contributing - when you are able to feel that, you are at your most content and your most fulfilled.



What you know about me is accurate. And I guess I would have to say that none of the people I know who are on SSI are really as fulfilled as they could conceivably be. I've been impressed, however, with their stability. But I do agree with your assessment of me and my situation.


----------



## Peanut (May 27, 2006)

> Maybe Toeless's Mom knows these answers.



Hey stargazer!!! CONGRATULATIONS ON THE JOB!!!! That is great news!!!! 

I ran your posts by my mom and here is what she said:
As far as she knows (she says she is almost positive) that the length of time since you?ve worked does not affect disability determination. She doesn?t think a two week job would hurt your disability application because it is a brief job and it does not show that you are able to sustain long term work. She also said that she thinks that you should take a shot at the long term job and try to gain benefits through that because she said that people are usually happier if they can go that route. She also mentioned that if you take a shot at it, if you get it you win, and if you find out that you can't work, then you'll know. 

I think I saw that you're in Cali? Small world, we are originally from there too, actually my mom started out working in the state offices there. Anyhow, I don't know if this will be of any help, hopefully a little. If you think of any questions feel free to ask me and I will see if she knows. She is always helping people with this stuff because it is such a confusing process...it's almost like a hobby of hers 

Congrats on the job again!!!!! Personally I think any job would be really really lucky to have you!


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 27, 2006)

Sans-Orteils said:
			
		

> I ran your posts by my mom


Better than running them into her, I guess... is she a speed reader? mg:


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

David Baxter  said:
			
		

> [is she a speed reader?



Uh, er, yeah. My posts can be kind of long.   I can't help it. I type 120wpm, and it takes me way more time to edit them down to size than it does to just leave them that way. Sometimes, after editing & editing for hours on a lengthy post it only took me a minute or two to compose, I simply burn out on the whole idea and wind up deleting everything. Then I feel as though I've wasted all those hours.

It's a neurosis, I admit it. Anyway, thanks Toeless for running them posts by yer mom....oh I get it! You meant, speed reader, like as in running, speed, etc. OK. Don't mind me.

Thanks.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 27, 2006)

That's not what I meant, stargazer. I was just joking about Toeless and "running it by" her mom...


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Yeah, I got it later. I misinterpreted it at first. 

This might be because I inwardly think my posts are sometimes too long, so I'm unconsciously on the lookout for somebody to call me on them. Not just here, but in other places as well. Some people have also alerted me to that my e-mails are often longer than they need to be.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 27, 2006)

I have honestly never reacted that way to any of your posts, stargazer. I will admit that with some longer posts from members here or on other forums I do sometimes skim them, but I can't say I've ever felt a need to do that with yours.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Oh, OK. I might have been projected what others have said elsewhere. I have certain friends especially who complain about the length of my e-mails. Then again, some people send e-mails that seem too terse or succinct, and I wonder why they're being unusually brief.


----------



## Daniel (May 27, 2006)

> What I would suggest, though, is that if you have an opportunity to work and are able to work, go for it. You'll gain much more in self-esteem and satisfaction and it pays a whole lot better than disability.



Exactly. Not to mention the fact that most applications for Social Security Disability take 1 year or more to get approved.  This is because most applications are initially denied and then approved at the appeals stage.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Daniel  said:
			
		

> Most applications for Social Security Disability take 1 year or more to get approved.This is because most applications are initially denied and then approved at the appeals stage.



That's occurred to me, too. What if they don't even approve my application? Sometimes I feel that all the energy applied toward trying to get SSI and SSDI ought to be directed *exclusively* toward working. But it still seems to me I ought to keep all my options open. I agree, though, that there is much greater satisfaction and self-esteem in working, if I can find a job that I can hang with and not freak out on.


----------



## Peanut (May 27, 2006)

> I type 120wpm


WOW I AM JEALOUS!!! I always thought there was a point where people would plateau with their typing. I am stuck at like 80 wpm and I didn't think my fingers can move any faster!! You are an inspiration and I will keep pushing myself now that I know it's possible!!!

I have that same problem about being long winded though. But, like you said you do, I just type things out and then go through and delete all of the things that are extraneous and redundant which is usually like 3/4s of the post! Just kidding I'm not quite that bad but hey, it's better to have extra than not enough, right? Or is it less is more... 

And yes I realize that joke was about me!! LOL


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Well that was only my highest score. Usually I score lower because of mistakes. I must have been "on" that day.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Actually, I know one other guy who says his speed is 120wpm, and you should see that guy type!! He doesn't seem to have a problem sending e-mails that are overly lengthy, though. I've wondered, however, if he himself might be slightly manic. I've noticed that everyone likes him, though. Hmmm.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 27, 2006)

> I am stuck at like 80 wpm and I didn't think my fingers can move any faster!!



I think the key is to slow down your feet and legs a bit and divert all that energy to your fingers. Sort of like what they do in karate and kung fu.


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Yes, that must be the key. I do find when I'm typing fast like that, all consciousness of other parts of the body comes to a halt. You sort of become one with the computer keyboard. It's kind of a Zen thing.


----------



## Peanut (May 27, 2006)

LOLOLOLOL!!! I see what you mean--channel all of my energy into one task..hmmmm...hmmmmm....NO I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT!!!


> I've wondered, however, if he himself might be slightly manic.


LOL--I've kind of wondered that about myself before....but you can't just be stuck in exclusively mania forever, can you?? 

And by the way Dr. B thanks for quoting the one sentence of mine that had a grammatical error in it!! I could just die!!!! can=could!!!!



> Well that was only my highest score


 Always go by your highest score!! Always!!!


----------



## stargazer (May 27, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> Always go by your highest score!! Always!!!



Yes, always. It's more impressive that way. Besides, it gives you a standard to live up to--and possibly even surpass.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 10, 2006)

Well, there have been a couple of new developments. It's actually a very interesting process, although it can be frustrating at times. 

I met with someone at Mental Health yesterday whose function it is to make sure that I again qualify for the $37/yr. complete-package-program (therapy, psychiatry & medication) that is awarded in this County to those who have fallen through certain cracks in the system. Unusually, although I was just granted approval for this program for the first year, the date that the first year begins was July of 2005. This is because that's when my first application for MediCal was denied. A prerequisite for qualifying is to be denied MediCal.

So, on July 1st, I have to prove to County Mental Health that I have again applied for MediCal. That way, whether I have been denied yet is immaterial, as long as I can prove that I have not yet been accepted.

This is great news, because it means that I'll have another year of therpay, psychiatry, and medication, starting July 1st, for only $37. It's also a relief, because I've not yet received any therapy, psychiatry, or medication from the first year, which theoretically started on July 1st of 2005, even though I only learned about it a month or two ago. Since my psychiatric evaluation is scheduled for next Friday, I will probably get my first diagnosis and meds just in time for the second year to begin. So the $37 I shelled out this year/month will not have been in vain.

Talk about bereaucracy! But it's all good. On the down side, I learned at the same meeting that my having applied for SSI/SSDI is going to slow down the rate at which I might have received MediCal, because now that the MediCal people know I've applied for SSI and SSDI, my MediCal application is going to sit in their office until they find out whether I'm approved for SSI/SSDI or not.

A man my age can't get MediCal without having a disability, but evidently there are ways to prove you have a disability without getting SSI or SSDI. I wasn't aware of that when I applied.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jun 10, 2006)

That's good news, SG. It's a sad and almost ludicrous commentary on the state of government bureaucracies but it's good news that you were able to find someone who knows how to work the system so that it does what it is supposed to do in spite of itself.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 10, 2006)

Yes. I think that, in my case, getting the therapy and treatment will be the first step, and so it's wonderful that I qualify at such a low cost. Also, the Mental Health Center is less than a mile away from my apartment, and I can easily ride there on my bicycle free of stress. 

Later, if MediCal is approved (which I understand it may not be) I would have overall health insurance finally, after having lost my Kaiser in April of 2004. So, I'll be able to get my prostate check, and colonoscopy if called for, and cholesterol check, and take care of everything else that ought to be addressed at my age. And even if MediCal is denied, those services are available under some kind of plan at the County Hospital, but it's a long and arduous trek down there on the local bus system, and a zoo when you get there.

Still, better than nothing. And of course, if MediCal is denied, I'll continue to qualify for the $37/yr. program--so at least I can take care of my head.


----------



## just mary (Jun 10, 2006)

I just wanted to add that I think it's good news also. I'm happy to hear that you're on your way. But I sympathize with all the bureacracy, it sounds daunting. Good luck Stargazer and take care!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 10, 2006)

Thanks, Mary.

Also, I just today got a thing in the mail from the State saying they needed more information before they could complete filing of my disability claim. There's about a thirty-page questionairre, some of which has to be completed by a third party, such as a friend or a relative. I have to provide information as to how my disability interferes with my daily routine, and just what my daily routine is anyway. 

I called my friend Jim to see if he would do the third party stuff. But I keep getting a funny feeling this will never end. (I also recently received notice that my birth certificate had been rejected, and I have to order a new one).


----------



## Peanut (Jun 10, 2006)

Hey Stargazer!


> This is great news, because it means that I'll have another year of therpay, psychiatry, and medication, starting July 1st, for only $37. It's also a relief, because I've not yet received any therapy, psychiatry, or medication from the first year, which theoretically started on July 1st of 2005, even though I only learned about it a month or two ago. Since my psychiatric evaluation is scheduled for next Friday, I will probably get my first diagnosis and meds just in time for the second year to begin. So the $37 I shelled out this year/month will not have been in vain.


 I just wanted to say that that sounds like great news so far. Mainly I just wanted to express my support to you! It sounds like a long frustrating process but you are doing really well!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 10, 2006)

Thanks, Toeless. But I'll openly confess that a lot of the length of the process is due to the fact that periodically, my frustration gets the better of me, and I simply bail out on everything. Then, a while later, I decide to give it another go, and I struggle to pick up the pieces. So I've actually dragged it out longer than probably was necessary.

Another person might be more perservering.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 11, 2006)

> But I'll openly confess that a lot of the length of the process is due to the fact that periodically, my frustration gets the better of me, and I simply bail out on everything.


 I hear you!! I think that happens to all of us at least sometimes.



> Then, a while later, I decide to give it another go, and I struggle to pick up the pieces.


_That_ is what is important  It's not how many times you fall but how many times you get back up, right?


----------



## stargazer (Jun 11, 2006)

Right!


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 11, 2006)

Hang in there, Stargazer. I know this has to be frustrating, but persistence will pay off. I'm just sorry you have to go through all this.


----------



## Holly (Jun 11, 2006)

Dear Stargazer,
I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you, I truly hope you can get the assistance you need. 
Take care of you ok


----------



## stargazer (Jun 11, 2006)

Thanks for your support, Holly, and ThatLady. I notice I keep vascillating. A while back I got a bunch of papers to take down into town at a 3pm appointment this coming Thursday, having to do with MediCal. I was hoping not to have to make a lengthy trip, being as I don't drive. It will pretty much consume the rest of the evening, and I'll have to cancel my teaching if I keep the appointment. 

There really is a sense that these processes might never end. Or, at the very least, it seems as though they're intent on weeding out those who are not in enough need of the services to be persistent. Right now, I'm committed to go ahead and go through with it all, but any shift in my mood can change that commitment completely. I know that sounds immature, but it's what's been happening.

I guess, the bottom line is, I don't know if it's going to be worth it. These meetings (the MediCal and the doctor's appointment) and the filling out the new SSI form (the one requiring a third party--I got my friend Jim to agree to do it) are all coming in the week immediately preceding my starting the two-week job in another city. So I've got preparation for that. Also, I have these two studio sessions scheduled next week. So I feel like I'm having to juggle a lot anyway, without all these meetings and new forms and everything.

I told my brother and my sister that, where I live, if I had a car, it would make it *so* much easier to make all these appointments. In fact, if I were driving, I probably wouldn't even be stressed over it. It would be so much easier to conceive of getting down into town (13 miles) and back efficiently. But they're not going to help me get a car, even though my sister has two cars, including one that just sits in her driveway. They just don't understand, which only adds to my depression.

Of course, I don't understand them either, although I try. But I think what it is, is that they've seen me go up and down so much throughout my life, that they've lost confidence that if they help me in any way, it will actually be lasting help. So I really do need to follow through, and become as self-sufficient as possible.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 11, 2006)

Hey Stargazer, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Saying that the process is drawn out and painstakingly long is an understatement! Although I haven't been through exactly what you're going through I can remember going through similar processes and how stressful it was to deal with all the unknowns, especially when they are all interrelated with each other. You don't want one good thing you do to complicate something else that is important, etc. 

I guess when I read your post and remembered feeling like that, I think it was because I was planning too far into the future...looking for any possible thing that could go wrong, trying to anticipate it and what would happen, how would I ultimately get what whatever it was that I wanted etc. I eventually realized that endlessly trying to figure everything out too far in advance was problematic in itself. I planned for disasters that never happened, you know? I found, that by far the most effective thing that I could do was to deal with things as they came, one at a time.   Anyway, I'm not sure if this relates to you or not, but for some reason I got the feeling that you might be someone that thinks really thoroughly about things and when it comes to dealing with processes like that, the big picture can be kind of overwhelming, I think.

That is too bad about the car. It sounds like having one would certainly make things easier for you. Maybe your sister will come around! Until then I imagine that you are at least getting some exercise having to walk around more!

Sorry I didn't really have anything to offer but I was just trying to think of something that might help!


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 11, 2006)

I'm wondering, stargazer...did you ask your sister directly if you could borrow her car for a few days? She might just be really lousy at taking a hint.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 12, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> I found, that by far the most effective thing that I could do was to deal with things as they came, one at a time.   Anyway, I'm not sure if this relates to you or not, but for some reason I got the feeling that you might be someone that thinks really thoroughly about things and when it comes to dealing with processes like that, the big picture can be kind of overwhelming, I think.



Toeless, you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I am. If I just slow down, and take things one step at a time, it always works out better toward eventually getting it all done. Thanks so much for reminding me.



			
				ThatLady  said:
			
		

> I'm wondering, stargazer...did you ask your sister directly if you could borrow her car for a few days? She might just be really lousy at taking a hint.



I did mention it in an e-mail, but I suspect my overall communication problem with my sister might have interfered. In other words, the request was inserted in an almost unnoticeable way in the middle of the text of a much larger e-mail, almost as though concealed. She might not even have noticed it.

However, I did directly ask both my brother and my sister in a single and direct e-mail to consider helping me buy a car, without alluding to my sister's having two cars. My brother replied by saying: "I don't know whether you need meds or not, but there are some serious gaps in your perception. I haven't bought my wife a car in ten years, and we're not planning to get another car for another two years, even though it's in need of repair. Why in the friggin world would I want to help you buy a car? Get real." 

That's an exact quote.  And my sister did not answer the e-mail at all.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 12, 2006)

Ish. Your brother isn't known for tact, is he? 

You might try asking your sister if you could borrow her extra car for a short time. That's a bit different than asking someone to help you buy a car. I think I'd be more amenable to loaning you one if there's a history of previous disappointments.

Anyhow, it's a thought. What's the worst that could happen? She could say "No." That's where you are now, so you haven't lost anything.


----------



## Holly (Jun 12, 2006)

Dear Stargazer,
I think your doing what you can give the obstacles you have been faced with during this very difficult time.  Try not to be so hard tough on yourself. 
You have come this far in the process, give it time to work out, in the end it may be worth it! 
The problems you face everyday will make you stronger, just like everyone we all have good and bad days, just we have different ways to deal with the events of each day. 
It is never easy to do all the paper work, try to get help. 
Have you considered asking someone from the church, to drive you one day, maybe someone is waiting to assist. 
If you let them know it could work out! 
I know that is easy to type, I think your staying focus, getting very close to the help you want and need. 
Just remember it takes time, sometimes we forget how long it takes! 
I still wanted you to know your in my thoughts, I truly hope the meeting goes well for you. 
All the best hang in there. 
Take care


----------



## stargazer (Jun 12, 2006)

ThatLady  said:
			
		

> You might try asking your sister if you could borrow her extra car for a short time. That's a bit different than asking someone to help you buy a car. I think I'd be more amenable to loaning you one if there's a history of previous disappointments.



That's possible, although I am almost certain that she will be more likely to help me when I am more financially stable, and also am showing more signs of stability in general. I admit I'm afraid to ask, but I also think it might not be wise to pester her anymore, at least not until my circumstances change. She's tired of the subject, I'm sure.



			
				Holly  said:
			
		

> Have you considered asking someone from the church, to drive you one day, maybe someone is waiting to assist. If you let them know it could work out!



That's a thought, Holly. No, it hadn't occurred to me. But it's altogether possible that someone from the church might drive me down into town on Thursday for the MediCal appointment. That would save literally hours on busses and walking/waiting in between transfers.


----------



## Holly (Jun 12, 2006)

That would be wonderful stargazer, I hope you it will work out for you. I am glad I mentioned it to you, all the best, 
take care


----------



## stargazer (Jun 12, 2006)

Thanks, Holly. Another level here is that it's a good idea to involve people from the church rather than try and do it alone, because then one becomes accountable. In trying to do it alone, I open myself to opt out without having anyone to answer to. If someone from the church becomes involved, they will naturally be gathering information about the process and periodically asking me how it's progressing. That makes it harder to bail.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 12, 2006)

Asking someone in the church to help out is a great idea! They're usually glad to be of service to another church member.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 12, 2006)

I go to Bible Study on Wednesday nights, and since the distant appointment is on Thursday, I can ask someone then.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

You know, I never asked anyone at the Bible Study, and I wound up missing the appointment. I'm going to have to call them to apologize and reschedule. I think I was just too reluctant to bring it up among the group that was there at the Bible Study. I just didn't think anyone would really give me a ride all the way down there, I found myself assuming people were busy, and I didn't want to express a need. I think I've been expressing too many needs lately, and I didn't want to appear needy.

On another subject, my doctor's appointment and psychiatric evaluation are this morning, in a little less than three hours. I have spiritual counseling first with my priest, then I'm heading over there after that. It's all in town here, and easy to get to each location by bicycle. Nice weather this morning, too.

I'm a little nervous, but I have decided just to answer the doctor's questions honestly, and see what he says. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I'm also worried that if I have to start on a med today, the period of adjustment might interfere with my 2-week job, which begins on Monday. It seems like bad timing, and I want to be "myself" on the job. I remember in the past, asjusting to certain meds and feeling really weird for a couple weeks before they "kicked in." All kinds of side effects, _etc._

I also think I am unusually sensitive to medications, and to substances in general, even over-the-counter pills. It's something in the way I'm wound up.

Well, I guess I could postpone going on the med until after the two weeks are over, and start up then. In July my schedule is very light. In fact, I have no commitments the entire month, except for one gig on the 15th. My students return in August. So July might be a good time to begin the meds.

Also wondering what the meds will be.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 16, 2006)

Good luck with your appointment, hon. Please, do let us know how it goes.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

I shall. And I'm out the door.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

*My Psychiatric Evaluation*

I'm here to report the results of my psychiatric evaluation, which was this morning. I believe I was very honest with the doctor, without either exaggerating or downplaying my symptoms. It also happened that I was underslept, had not eaten breakfast, and was a little bit "wound up" -- a nervous edge. I'm sure that was evident. But I didn't feel scattered or "manic," or anything like that.

After a pretty thorough evaluation, the doctor decided it would be best if I were referred to a therapist first, and begin therapy, before it could be determined whether psychiatric medication is indicated. Nobody doubts that I had a Bipolar One manic episode in 2004, but he did take note of the fact that the doctor I saw briefly in this County last Summer expressed doubts that I was Bipolar One. (She thought perhaps Bipolar Two or something). Unfortunately, I didn't follow through there last summer because of then temporarily re-locating in the San Francisco Bay Area. (That's another story. Good things happened in the Bay Area on another plane, but then I had to come back because I couldn't keep up the high cost of rent there.)

I think (but am not sure) that the doctor was leaning toward thinking that a lot of my problem with mood swing will be alleviated if my sleep patterns are stabilized, by Seroquil or Zyprexa. But I might not be using the term "mood swing" correctly here. I had told him I tend to feel much more edgy when underslept, which is frequently, and that I tend to handle stress much better when sufficiently slept, which is rare.

Throughout the evaluation, I focused on my anger issues which, although I haven't discussed them much in this forum, seem to me, and to those close to me, to be what mostly interferes with my progress in life. Most people have not seen a temper in me, other than an occasional angry e-mail, but I think the angry e-mails indicate an angry force inside of me, that drives me, and that I can sometimes channel into my creative work, but that often I go through laborious internal detours in order to circumvent and get around. It gets tiring.

So we figured I ought to explore the anger issues in therapy first, before anything else happens. And that's about the size of it. I'm pretty happy with this decision, at least for now. I did tell him I would be leaving for the Bay Area for my two week job as a musical director for a childrens theatre program, but they will probably contact me by e-mail while I'm down there, so we can get the therapy appointments started in July.

Thanks, everyone, for all your support.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jun 16, 2006)

Interesting. The most positive thing about all that, stargazer, is that you obviously saw someone who has an open mind and is an independent thinker, and someone who is not in a huge rush to medicate you "to see what happens".


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

He did seem to have an open mind, and I think he could tell I was telling the truth, insofar as it is in my capacity to discern it. However, there might also have been the factor that a lot of the patients come in for the specific purpose of receiving drugs, which can be aggravating, especially when there are only two County Mental Health doctors serving this branch, and neither of them can make it up to the town in which I live very often. But yes, I was stricken that he seemed very objective and open-minded, and I believe he was reciprocating honesty with honesty.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

By the way, if anyone has Broadband (or doesn't mind indulging me in a long download on Dial-Up) my fourteen year old voice student just sang my song "Reaching..." and I have uploaded it onto the Music Page of my web site. She starts off just a wee bit shaky (that was partly the sound mix job) but I am overall really proud of her. It's the 4th song down on the list.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 16, 2006)

Hey Stargazer!! It sounds like things went relatively well! It sounds like you're being really open and up front about things and I'm sure that is going to help out the process quite a bit!

That's exciting that your new job is starting on Monday!! Are you excited or nervous or both?!  I know you'll be great. 

I will also download that song! I can't wait to hear it!!    

Great job stargazer!! 

PS--I also want to add that I love the way you write--it is always a pleasure to read your posts!!


----------



## Holly (Jun 16, 2006)

Hi stargazer,
Wonderful glad the meeting went well for you, take care. Thank you for the update, I will see if I can listen to the song on your site! Have a wonderful weekend!


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 16, 2006)

Good news, Stargazer! It sounds like your appointment went very well. Additionally, you'll have no worries about trying to adjust to a new medication while you're on your new job. You're moving forward, hon. That's the best any of us can do.

I'll try to download your song later this evening, or tomorrow morning. I'm anxious to hear it.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> That's exciting that your new job is starting on Monday!! Are you excited or nervous or both?! I also want to add that I love the way you write--it is always a pleasure to read your posts!!"
> 
> I'm both excited and nervous. Most of my nerves, however, relate only to the logistics of getting there, making sure I don't miss a train connect, and I remember to bring enough changes of clothing, _etc_. The actual work will probably be fun as usual.





			
				ThatLady  said:
			
		

> It sounds like your appointment went very well. Additionally, you'll have no worries about trying to adjust to a new medication while you're on your new job. You're moving forward, hon. That's the best any of us can do.





			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> I also want to add that I love the way you write--it is always a pleasure to read your posts!!


I've been meaning to say that I always appreciate your posts, too, Toeless, for your clearly positive attitude, energy, and spirit. And to all of you, many thanks for your interest in my song and my student's talent! I can't wait to hear your feedback.


----------



## Halo (Jun 16, 2006)

Hi Stargazer,

I am glad that your appointment went well today and that you seem to be in good spirits. I too think that it was great that this person did not want to just push more and more meds and wants to start with therapy first. What a great idea. So happy to hear that you won't have to struggle with new meds while your working. Again, does your job start on Monday? If you are relocating to the Bay Area for the two weeks does that mean that you will not be logging on? I too love your posts and would really miss you if you weren't here. 

BTW - I will definitely download the song as I think it is great that you wrote a song...looking forward to hearing it.

Take Care
Nancy


----------



## stargazer (Jun 16, 2006)

Yes Nancy, I'm fine with everything and also happy I don't have to worry about adjusting to new meds during the two weeks of the new job. I am taking my laptop with me and should be able to log on at Wi-Fi cafes, though irregularly. That means probably after 6pm (your time) or (outside chance) before 1pm your time. My job hours are 10am-3pm my time. Yes, I start on Monday.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 16, 2006)

The very best with the job, stargazer. I hope you enjoy it and have fun while you're away. It's a chance for change and an opportunity to do something new and different for a bit. That can be very revitalizing.


----------



## Halo (Jun 16, 2006)

Stargazer,

In case I don't get a chance to say it before Monday...good luck with the new job. I hope that you enjoy yourself doing what you love. I look forward to updates from the Bay (whenever you have a chance to log on).

Take Care and remember, have fun with the kids.

Nancy


----------



## Holly (Jun 17, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> By the way, if anyone has Broadband (or doesn't mind indulging me in a long download on Dial-Up) my fourteen year old voice student just sang my song "Reaching..." and I have uploaded it onto the Music Page of my web site. She starts off just a wee bit shaky (that was partly the sound mix job) but I am overall really proud of her. It's the 4th song down on the list.


Hi Stargazer,
She is only 14 years old, WOW, I love her voice, great song, Reaching for your hand! Did you write the song? If you did not does it tell us on the website? 
The song has unique lyrics, Stargazer. 
I listened to it on Real Player! If you can let her know, I leave that up to you, I think she has a beautiful voice. Very talented young lady. 
Thank you, the song made my night.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 17, 2006)

ThatLady  said:
			
		

> The very best with the job, stargazer. I hope you enjoy it and have fun while you're away. It's a chance for change and an opportunity to do something new and different for a bit. That can be very revitalizing.



Yes. I usually benefit from two weeks away, even without a paycheck! And this is work I love, so I really am looking forward to it. Plus, the change of locale and perspective can be invigorating.



			
				Holly  said:
			
		

> She is only 14 years old, WOW, I love her voice, great song, Reaching for your hand! Did you write the song? If you did not does it tell us on the website? The song has unique lyrics, Stargazer. I listened to it on Real Player! If you can let her know, I leave that up to you, I think she has a beautiful voice. Very talented young lady. Thank you, the song made my night.



I'm in the process of gathering up quotes from people who have heard it to give to her when her family comes back from vacation. She and her older sister were also called back for the leading role in a big production their church demonination is doing in the State capital, and they should know by next week who is cast. They were called back out of 200 girls who auditioned, though I don't know how many were called back. Both girls are very talented, and the whole family is musical.

Yes, I wrote the song. There are credits and a copyright notice at the bottom of the page. I'm glad you appreciated it.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 17, 2006)

Hi Stargazer! Well I haven't read what the others have said yet so their opinion won't effect mine before I tell you! You will have to bear with me as I don't know music terminology really well--but I was impressed!!   I like the song a lot! The singer did a really nice job singing it too! It's hard to believe that she's just 14...I remember 14 and it was way awkward, it would have been really nice to have such a wonderful talent as she does. My favorite parts of the song were when the tempo picked up in the middle and I also liked how the song ended. I liked the lyrics a lot too. You guys both did a wonderful job!!! 👏

And I see this was in Berkeley??!?! Wait a minute..I could have swore I read that somewhere but now I can't find it. Was it?! 


> I'm in the process of gathering up quotes from people who have heard it to give to her when her family comes back from vacation.


 That is such a lovely thing to do! How thoughtful of you! I am sure she will love them!! How meaningful!  




> I've been meaning to say that I always appreciate your posts, too, Toeless, for your clearly positive attitude, energy, and spirit.


 Thanks stargazer  That's really sweet of you...I guess it's just about never saying die (especially in front of your therapist )!! In all honestly I wish I could write more like you do! It's not very surprising actually that you are able to do such a beautiful job writing music because the way that you write comes across to me as very artistic and....what's the word...very eloquent. 

I'm planning on looking around more on your website too. I was there the other day but didn't have too much of a chance to read and hear as much as I wanted to. So I'll be back this weekend and check out the other songs and the forum (it looks like Dr. B helped you with the webpage?! How cool!). I don't see Dr. Baxter singing anything but it's good to have friends that are capable of doing a variety of things 

Thanks for the link!! It was a lot of fun to listen to and I am so excited to have heard something that you wrote!!!

Yay!! 👏 👏

I'm still excited for your job on Monday too!! That's going to be awesome and I am sure that you'll be able to work the logistics out! It's worth it for something that you love like this!!

OK talk to you later!!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 17, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> I see this was in Berkeley??!?! Wait a minute..I could have sworn I read that somewhere but now I can't find it. Was it?!


Actually, it was done out in the Wine Country east of Stockton. (I know you know the area, being as you yourself once lived in this neck of the woods.) The guy who runs the local music store also operates a studio out there. But yes, you did get Berkeley right. Our previous sessions were held at a studio in the Berkeley hills, and that's where the project will likely be finalized. There's info on the Music Page, including a link to the Berkeley studio.

I am in fact in Berkeley at this moment, at a Wi-Fi cafe as promised, where my wonderful daughter Echo has just shown up for coffee.  She lives here.

And thanks for your feedback on the song! I'm glad you liked it. Isn't Tessa talented? Yes, please feel free to return to the Music Page. This afternoon I've scheduled three more hours at the Berkeley studio with a local singer from Foothill Music Theatre in Los Altos. She's going to put the vocals over the instrumental track labled "Secrets." Then we'll probably fine-tune some of the earlier songs, particularly the one called "Testament." 

I'm really glad you guys are enjoying my music. I don't get much of an audience these days, not where I live. (My priest and I were just discussing that in counseling...)


----------



## Peanut (Jun 17, 2006)

First I want to say that I'm sorry I didn't use Tessa's name!! I couldn't remember it and meant to go back and insert it but forgot!! You are definitely right to give credit where credit is due!! Sorry!



> Actually, it was done out in the Wine Country east of Stockton. (I know you know the area, being as you yourself once lived in this neck of the woods.) The guy who runs the local music store also operates a studio out there. But yes, you did get Berkeley right. Our previous sessions were held at a studio in the Berkeley hills, and that's where the project will likely be finalized. There's info on the Music Page, including a link to the Berkeley studio.


 Ohhh, I bet I read that on the Music Page and that's why I couldn't find it on here! That is an absolutely great area to be in, especially for doing the kind of work that you do! I feel closer to Cali just living vicariously through you!  



> I am in fact in Berkeley at this moment, at a Wi-Fi cafe as promised


 I am SO JEALOUS!! That is it I'm moving back!  There's no place like Berkeley! Really! Maybe Ashland, OR is sort of similar? Do you think? 



> where my wonderful daughter Echo has just shown up for coffee.


   I like the name Echo...it's very pretty 



> This afternoon I've scheduled three more hours at the Berkeley studio with a local singer from Foothill Music Theatre in Los Altos. She's going to put the vocals over the instrumental track labled "Secrets." Then we'll probably fine-tune some of the earlier songs, particularly the one called "Testament."


 Great! I will check it out. Your life sounds so exciting!! Recording songs and everything! It sounds like a blast!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 17, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> There's no place like Berkeley! Really! Maybe Ashland, OR is sort of similar? Do you think?


I think so, yes. Ashland and Berkeley have some things in common. U of Oregon is at Ashland, and there's a collegiate populus there too, like here in Berkeley. My friend Phil used to be an actor at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, but I haven't been up there lately. I think Oregon is just beautiful, though.



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> Your life sounds so exciting!!



Somebody else from the Internet said the same thing last week. I think my life probably looks more exciting on "paper" than it is in reality. But yes, recording is fun, though expensive. It can sometimes be frustrating when we don't get everything done in a given session that we'd planned. Hopefully that won't happen this evening! I'm fairly well-prepared today, but obstacles have a tendency of arising at the oddest times.



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> It looks like Dr. B helped you with the webpage?! How cool!


Yes, Dr. Baxter designed the web site for me. I just add text and sound files every now and then, and try to maintain it.



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> I like the name Echo...it's very pretty.


I love the name myself. Her given name was Angela, but she chose Echo as a stage name when she was emceeing her hip-hop crew, and now she uses it for her writing, like on MySpace, etc. I hardly ever call her Angela anymore.

She just took off, by the way. Guess I'm just killing time at the ol' Wi-Fi cafe.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 17, 2006)

> My friend Phil used to be an actor at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, but I haven't been up there lately.


 That's exactly what I was thinking of...I was thinking you might like that Festival! I've been there once but it was sooo long ago. Have you been before?



> U of Oregon is at Ashland


Actually I think U of O is in Eugene which is another very cool town too. I get those two towns (or are they cities?) mixed up. They both have a lot of little shops and things, kind of like Berkeley. Someone in my family went to college at UC Berkeley (and another one to U of O). 


> I think Oregon is just beautiful, though.


 Yea...but there's no PALM TREES here and those are what I love!



> Somebody else from the Internet said the same thing last week. I think my life probably looks more exciting on "paper" than it is in reality. But yes, recording is fun, though expensive. It can sometimes be frustrating when we don't get everything done in a given session that we'd planned. Hopefully that won't happen this evening! I'm fairly well-prepared today, but obstacles have a tendency of arising at the oddest times


  That's funny someone else just said that too!  I think the recording sounds exciting! Most people never get to do that...I bet it is expensive, but well worth it  


> I love the name myself. Her given name was Angela, but she chose Echo as a stage name when she was emceeing her hip-hop crew, and now she uses it for her writing, like on MySpace, etc. I hardly ever call her Angela anymore


 Wow~ she gave herself that name!? I love it...how creative! So she is into the arts as well then?


----------



## stargazer (Jun 17, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> [I was thinking you might like that Festival! I've been there once but it was sooo long ago. Have you been before?]


Not for a long time. But I've known a number of people who have worked there over the years. 



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> Actually I think U of O is in Eugene which is another very cool town too. I get those two towns (or are they cities?) mixed up.


I meant, Southern Oregon University. I was getting the names of the schools mixed up.



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> Wow~ she gave herself that name!? I love it...how creative! So she is into the arts as well then?


Yes, artistically inclined. I actually learned of the name "Echo" in May 2004 going to her show here in Berkeley. I told someone I was Angela's dad, and they said, "is she also 'Echo'?" and I was like "huh?"

My brother Steve is on his way over now to help me fill out the third party info on my SSI form. The SSA wrote and said they needed additional information before they could process my application. (Boy--that went back to the "subject" quickly!) Steve also lives here in Berkeley.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 17, 2006)

> My brother Steve is on his way over now to help me fill out the third party info on my SSI form. The SSA wrote and said they needed additional information before they could process my application. (Boy--that went back to the "subject" quickly!) Steve also lives here in Berkeley.


 That is really good that your brother is going to help you. Not only is it nice to have the help, but I think it's nice to have the company for tedious things like filling out long forms (I mean I realize he has to fill out the third party part but still!).


> I actually learned of the name "Echo" in May 2004 going to her show here in Berkeley. I told someone I was Angela's dad, and they said, "is she also 'Echo'?" and I was like "huh?"


 LOL~ That's funny!   What a way to find out your daughter's new name!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 17, 2006)

He just came and went. He'll do the mailing himself, later. I was looking at my answers, and they seemed awfully hyperbolic compared to the honesty I was able to manifest in actual person-to-person contact with the psychiatrist. Not sure why that is--sometimes I get this attitude like I have to *prove* that I qualify, and perhaps I over-do it at those moments. In any case, I'm sure his answers will be straightforward. After all, he's known me all his life. He's probably been waiting years for this moment.  8)

On my way up the hill now. It's been nice "chatting" with you, Toeless.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 17, 2006)

> Not sure why that is--sometimes I get this attitude like I have to *prove* that I qualify, and perhaps I over-do it at those moments


 Haha, I know that feeling really well!! Don't you love those little bursts of "attitude"?! 



> After all, he's known me all his life. He's probably been waiting years for this moment.


 Look out!   



> hyperbolic


 That's a great word! 8)

It's been great chatting with you too!! Have fun tonight and record some good stuff!


----------



## Holly (Jun 18, 2006)

> Yes, I wrote the song. There are credits and a copyright notice at the bottom of the page. I'm glad you appreciated it


Hi stargazer, 
Your so talented being able to write wonderful lyrics, songs, I will have to listen to them all, after I seen what you posted. 
Thank you for sharing this talent with the forum. Good Luck with the new journey, over the next two weeks.
Take care and chat soon, hope you get to update us with the laptop if your not to busy. 
Enjoy the next two weeks stargazer.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

I'm staying the night at a good friend's house on the California Coast between San Francisco and Santa Cruz. The session went pretty well, amid snags. Then he and his family and I had a late dinner and conversation, so now at 11:30 PST I've finally gotten a moment to myself to check in with you guys. Not sure if anyone's still up though--it would be rather late in Ontario. Toeless, are *you* up? 

The reason I ask is because I'm about to upload the new studio stuff we did tonight onto the web site. If interested, please download the one called "Secrets." Lauren Mack's interpretation is fabulous. The Berkeley engineer also did a re-mix of "Reaching for Your Hand" with a much better balance between Tessa and the band. So it'll go up too. 

Catch you all soon, I hope.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

Am encountering gross technical difficulties. Succeeded in uploading the new mix of "Reaching," but have been unable to upload "Secrets" so far. I keep encountering a frustrating mismatch of disappearing files. My friend Alex swears he can fix it, but he's busy talking to a client. (He has a tendency to stay up all night working, now that the wife and kids are asleep.) Besides, I think he probably caused the problem to begin with, when he maniacally took over my computer and started creating all these special folders against my will. But that's all because I asked for his help, when the usual drop & drag method of getting the file from my iTunes onto MyMusic mysteriously failed...anyway, I know none of you are up. Hopefully I'll have it done by morning.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

OK it's all uploaded. Unfortunately, we didn't get to "Testament." There's a conflict between the way files are handled between the two studios, which neither engineer was able to resolve, unfortunately. I'm going to have to lobby Tessa and Shanise's mom to see if they can come to Berkeley later on in the Summer and do the whole song over again. But "Secrets" and "Reaching" are done. Hope you enjoy them!


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 18, 2006)

Loved the song, stargazer, and the young lady's voice is really quite mature for a fourteen-year-old. Beautifully done!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

Thanks, ThatLady. She really is gifted.


----------



## just mary (Jun 18, 2006)

Hi Stargazer,

Just wanted to say that I listened to "Secrets" and "Reaching". They were amazing, thanks!  And the young woman who sang was amazing also. 

Take care,


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

Boy, I am so thrilled that all you guys are listening to these! it's hard enough getting an audience in real life these days, much less over the Internet! Oh, just in case it's not clear, there are different singers. The girl singing "Reaching" is only 14, and the one who sings "Secrets" is 18. The credits are indicated at the bottom of the page. Very talented young people--I'm lucky.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 18, 2006)

> I'm staying the night at a good friend's house on the California Coast between San Francisco and Santa Cruz. The session went pretty well, amid snags. Then he and his family and I had a late dinner and conversation, so now at 11:30 PST I've finally gotten a moment to myself to check in with you guys. Not sure if anyone's still up though--it would be rather late in Ontario. Toeless, are *you* up?


 Hey Stargazer!!! I am here now! I was up I wish I would have checked the computer! I am so glad to hear the session went well! I'll check out the latest Reaching for Your Hand and Secrets (I like that one already ). 

It sounds like you're having so much fun!!      And your new job starts tomorrow!    

You're on a roll! 8)


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

Actually, I've been kind of overly "amped" the past couple days, particularly since shortly after the studio session. I was both excited about the work at the Berkeley studio, and a little bit upset with the way things had gone at the local studio, the one in the Wine Country. My friends commented last night that I seemed "manic," and I felt as though I were tending in that direction. I wonder if this happens when I'm "on a roll." 

Also, I didn't go to bed until about 2:30 in the morning, and I got up at 5:45am, my usual wake-up time. I haven't felt a need for sleep, either. So I'm not sure this is all so good. I have a 3 1/2 hour Bus/BART/train combination to get to the site of the new job tonight, so hopefully I will sleep on the bus.

My suspicion is, once I catch up on my sleep, I'll be all right. All the excitement has had me a little worked up.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 18, 2006)

Hey, you know, I think it's OK to be excited. You have every reason to be worked up. You have a lot of stuff going on. A lot of it is new and exciting too. Obviously I'm not a doctor or anything but I think that you can feel up and excited and not have to be labeled as manic just because you have bipolar disorder. I haven't been sleeping that much either...I think it kind of goes along with all of the commotion. 

That is of course, only my opinion which may or may not be correct  I just didn't want to see you discount your positive feelings or try not to be excited when you have every reason to be.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

You might be right. I think I have been influenced by my friends' perspective, even though they of course are not doctors either. And I think it's also true that since the episode, I (and others in my life) have often used the word "manic" a little too loosely.

So, I'm just out the door for the long bus/train trip. Not sure when I'll be back online, as I'm uncertain of my online status at the gig. Probably there are wi-fi cafes around, I just have to tune into their whereabouts. So it might be a while before I "see" you guys again.

Thanks for everything!


----------



## Peanut (Jun 18, 2006)

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. I think sometimes once we have given ourselves labels we have a tendency to attribute behaviour that isn't actually that abnormal to the disorder. Really I think there is a really a lot of flexibility as to what can be considered normal. 


> often used the word "manic" a little too loosely.


 Yes, I agree and do the same thing with various psychiatric terms...and I think it's OK to illustrate a point to people who know what you're talking about but if we say it enough I think sometimes we start to convince ourselves of it!

In fact a lot of times if I tell my therapist something he'll just tell me that that sounds really pretty normal...when sometimes I think it's like some manifestation of psychological problems. I guess that's why it's nice to check in with an unbiased person about stuff like that (i.e. a therapist or someone trained).

OK now I will go listen to your songs and have a great trip!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> I think sometimes once we have given ourselves labels we have a tendency to attribute behaviour that isn't actually that abnormal to the disorder. Really I think there is a really a lot of flexibility as to what can be considered normal.



That was very well-put, Toeless. I've noticed that not only do *I* do this at times, but my friends do it as well. It can sometimes be awkward when, for example, I feel that my behavior is within the range of my self-control, and a friend is concerned that I'm beginning to become "manic." It's almost unnecessary, given that I myself so often suspect myself of manifesting my disorder, at least in some small way. It's very important to me to see the signs. Then again, I supposed if I lost track of myself, and plunged into a full-fledged episode, the people around me would see it before I did. So it's good to have those kinds of friends in one's support group. But I do think they need to realize that they are not trained professionals, and that their ideas as to what is "manic" (or any other disorder state) are not always accurate. And nor are mine. I just think it's good to keep aware of all these things.



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> In fact a lot of times if I tell my therapist something he'll just tell me that that sounds really pretty normal...when sometimes I think it's like some manifestation of psychological problems.



Although I haven't been in therapy for a while, I recall that happening as well. However, I also recall the experience of being told I was "having a hypomanic episode" when I honestly thought everything was fine. Looking back, of course, I realize everything wasn't fine.

(By the way, I just arrived in the town of the job and have checked into my hotel. The company paid for it. Then they're going to put me up in a room in a house for the next two weeks. There's Wireless Internet at the hotel, so I'm here! In about an hour and a half, though, we're having a company pow-wow, so I need to brief myself on some materials I was presented. But I'll be off and on.)


----------



## Peanut (Jun 18, 2006)

> That was very well-put, Toeless


 LOL, oh yea very well put with my excessive use of the word "really"   Oops! :red:

Hey I listened to more of your songs!! My absolute favorite is "Secrets"!! I really liked the music and it sounded like there was maybe another instrument in it? The beat was really catchy and the vocals sounded really solid. I liked the lyrics a lot too...."Lonely guys with wandering eyes are easy to detect"!!   It's nice to hear songs where you can actually discern what the words are...a lot of songs these days it is hard to tell what the words are! 

So my favourite song vote goes to Secrets!!

That hotel room sounds like a blast! I love staying at hotels! Lucky!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 18, 2006)

"Secrets" is pretty much everybody's favorite song in my show. The instruments are electronic piano, electric bass, electric guitar, drums, and synthesizers. The synthesizer is a cello sound early on and bass trombone later. Um, you might want to listen with good headphones, it brings out all the instruments. Not sure what kind of computer speakers you have.

I thought Lauren Mack did an outstanding job of interpretation. Amazing that we'd never even practiced together. I met her on the Internet, sent her an mp3, and she just showed up to record it. She was in and out of the studio in less than an hour. She's also only 18 years old.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 19, 2006)

> "Secrets" is pretty much everybody's favorite song in my show.


 Really? That's interesting! It is a very pretty song though, as I said before, it has all of the elements coming together so nicely. 

The electric guitar was the instrument I was talking about! I thought that's what it was but I am not good at guessing instruments so I thought I would spare myself the embarrassment of guessing! 



> I met her on the Internet, sent her an mp3, and she just showed up to record it.


 :shocked:  Wow, that's wild! I guess that is one internet/real world meeting that worked out really well! Did you know what she sounded like ahead of time?

Well anyway, I know this is your first day of your new job, so you'll have to let us know how it went!! I'll be anxious to hear!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 19, 2006)

Toeless  said:
			
		

> The electric guitar was the instrument I was talking about!


I thought that might have been what you meant. The guitar solo sort of leaps out at you.



			
				Toeless  said:
			
		

> I guess that is one internet/real world meeting that worked out really well! Did you know what she sounded like ahead of time?


Yes. She had sent me an mp3 of some studio work she had done. I knew she was good.

Well, I just now have gone online after getting off work and doing errands. I'm hooked up to my host's DSL. Works pretty well, but I can only receive e-mails on Thunderbird, not send them. I'll have to use my Runbox Mail Manager (web-based client). 

Anyway, the first day of the job was really encouraging. I have a nice schedule. I accompany another voice teacher's Middle School class for the first hour and a half, then I take three high school kids and work with them intensively for the next hour and a half. Then there's a half hour lunch break, and after that I go back to accompanying for the voice teacher, only this time with five more advanced students, high school age. It's easy and fun. I neither have to sit on the piano bench all day, nor stand up and "perform" all day. I get to do a bit of both.

At some point in the two weeks, someone in the heirarchy is going to come check me out to see if I ought to work for them year-round next year, which, if it's lucrative, would mean relocating again. I'll have to think and pray about that. But it sure feels good to be back in the swing of things. (Guess it's in my blood).
[/quote]


----------



## Peanut (Jun 19, 2006)

That is fabulous stargazer!!!  I'm happy to hear it went so well today!!! It sounds like a really cool job! 8) I'm so glad that you like it! For me, the first day is always the most stressful but it sounds like it went really smoothly for you!  Congrats!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 19, 2006)

Thanks, Toeless! 

Well, I have to pack up my laptop now as the DSL access is in the master bedroom, and she needs to get to sleep. Probably won't be online tomorrow morning either, unless at Starbucks before work.

See ya!


----------



## stargazer (Jun 22, 2006)

Back to the subject. 

The job's going well--really well, in fact. The education director told me somebody's going to come in to see me next week to see about what sort of year-round position(s) they're going to want me to take. Also, I have to play piano at a function they're having at a hotel tomorrow night. It's a separate gig, and they're paying me for it separately.

I left a couple things dangling on what I'm supposed to be doing back home for disability and mental health. I might have mentioned that my birth certificate was rejected, and I'm supposed to order a new birth certificate online. It's a matter of $13 and finding out how to do it. The other thing is that I'm supposed to get an EDD print-out of my work history. I'm supposed to have that by the end of the month. My problem is, I'm working all day, I don't drive, and there's no way I can get to the EDD by the end of the month. I'm too absorbed.

I don't know if that means I'm going to lose my option for therapy or not. This has something to do with the low-cost program I'm on to get therapy, psychiatry, and medication. I could probably deal with the birth certificate order after my next paycheck, though. Right now I don't have $13 to spare, and certainly not on my credit card. Plus, I left all the info at home.

I also have no phone and can only be reached by e-mail. My host and roommate have cell phones, but they're hardly ever home. I've been able to borrow my roommate's phone *once* in the four days I've been here. 

I feel like I have to force myself to think about these things. I feel so far removed from the reality of them. All I want to do is work here forever. I don't want to go home. But I can't quite do that, because I don't have a place to live here--I'm only staying with a friend of the education director, temporarily for the duration of the job. I feel like, when I do go home, I'm just going to come crashing down emotionally.

This is all proving to me that, all I want to do is work. Maybe not at MacDonald's, but in the work I'm accustomed to. In the past couple years (with brief exceptions) I've missed it too much. That's probably why I have felt so unfulfilled at times. Here it's only four days into this job so far, and I feel as though I've been doing it all my life, even though I've never worked for a company this strong before, or this reputable.

So I wish it didn't all have to end.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 22, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> Back to the subject.
> 
> The job's going well--really well, in fact. The education director told me somebody's going to come in to see me next week to see about what sort of year-round position(s) they're going to want me to take. Also, I have to play piano at a function they're having at a hotel tomorrow night. It's a separate gig, and they're paying me for it separately.
> 
> ...



If they're going to look at what kind of year-round position they can offer you, stargazer, it doesn't have to end. There might be a short hiatus, but that's not the same as an end.

You might try writing a letter, or even e-mailing EDD to see what might be done about your work history. If they can't provide it that way, try writing or emailing the requesting agency and explaining your position at the moment. If you stay in touch, and keep them updated, you've got a better chance of holding everything together until you can begin a new future in a permanent job.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 22, 2006)

I realize what I said sounded contradictory. I meant, the two week job will end, then I have to go home and deal with all the disability and mental health issues. I meant that I wish it was all continuous, and I didn't have to go home, to nothingness, after all this pleasant activity.

If I come back, it won't be till September, so I'll still have July and August to figure out what to do. So that's actually good. It might take me that long to figure out how I'm going to live out here where the rents are so much higher. Maybe I can rent a room from someone associated with the company--sort of what I'm doing now, but on a more official and long-term basis.

Am wondering if EDD can be reached by e-mail. It's a matter of obtaining a print-out from them and then faxxing it to the Client Assistance Program of County Mental Health, to ensure that my year of low-cost treatment can be renewed on July 1st. Sort of feels like everything is happening at once.

I've been strangely depressed last night and tonight, only at home, though happy at work. Not sure what to make of it.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 22, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> I realize what I said sounded contradictory. I meant, the two week job will end, then I have to go home and deal with all the disability and mental health issues. I meant that I wish it was all continuous, and I didn't have to go home, to nothingness, after all this pleasant activity.
> 
> If I come back, it won't be till September, so I'll still have July and August to figure out what to do. So that's actually good. It might take me that long to figure out how I'm going to live out here where the rents are so much higher. Maybe I can rent a room from someone associated with the company--sort of what I'm doing now, but on a more official and long-term basis.
> 
> ...



I'd imagine it's a combination of things, stargazer. You're probably bored, for one thing. You're in an unfamiliar place where you don't know many people (if any). Also, you're worrying about what's going to happen when the two weeks are over and you must return home to work out the problems that await you there.

If you can find an email for EDD (maybe Google?), or a snail-mail address, that will give you something proactive to focus on. If you're working on a problem it's less depressing than just thinking about it, I find.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 22, 2006)

ThatLady  said:
			
		

> You're probably bored, for one thing. You're in an unfamiliar place where you don't know many people (if any



Not sure if "bored" is the exact right word, but I feel sort of "restricted." I only have Internet access in the master bedroom of the woman whose house I'm staying in, so I don't feel comfortable going online from here too often. And I never have access to telephones to call friends, and do what I usually do, even my friends who live a good distance away from me. See, most of my friends are still in the Bay Area, even though I live in the Valley, and I call them regularly from the Valley. And now that I'm in the Bay Area, I can't call them, because I don't have a phone.

I'm not a person who gets bored very easily. But I sometimes feel as though my circumstances restrict me from being able to do what I really want or need to do, and I then become frustrated. I'm like that a lot, actually. That's one of the reasons I like the job. It gives me something to focus my energies on.

I've noticed that meditation helps with that sort of thing. I probably ought to do that before bedtime. I skipped today, but have meditated every other day I've been here.



			
				ThatLady  said:
			
		

> If you can find an email for EDD (maybe Google?), or a snail-mail address, that will give you something proactive to focus on. If you're working on a problem it's less depressing than just thinking about it, I find.



I'll see if I can do that.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 22, 2006)

She just came home and I need to get out of her bedroom. I'll try to remember earlier in the day, to do the online EDD research, tomorrow. 

Thanks.


----------



## Halo (Jun 23, 2006)

Hi Stargazer,

First I am glad that your job is going well and that they are considering you for a more permanent position. That sounds great. You also sound like you are the most happy with you are working and sharing your knowledge and being active. I can only say that I hope things work out for your with EDD and the possibility of a future job.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing and remember that we are here for you always.

Nancy


----------



## stargazer (Jun 23, 2006)

I've made a decision. I'm not going to follow through with filing for disability.

I think what's been happening is I've been feeling divided and sort of "schizzed out." I can't seem to rectify the two different things in my mind, and I can't seem to compartmentalize. Either I'm disabled or I'm not. When I'm working, and focused on my work, it naturally doesn't help if I think of myself as "disabled," because if I do, I lose confidence. And whenever I go through with the disability procedures, I feel guilty, knowing that I can actually work. So, while the idea of the large initial check sounds appealing, I feel that my overall mind-set, composed of my conscience, my consciousness, and my constitution, will never allow me to follow through with the process. I'm simply *not* disabled, and I can't go through with it.

My conscience won't allow me to do it. And it's not within my consciousness to think of myself in those terms. And finally, I don't have the constitution. I'm designed to be working, and ideally to be doing a certain kind of work. While it is true that I have lacked work recently, the reason why I have lacked work is because I have lacked opportunity. I haven't lacked work because I've lacked the ability to work. But in the process of having insufficient work for so long, I started to think it was my fault, and that maybe I was disabled. But now that I'm working, I realize I never was disabled.

So I have decided not to follow through, and to put all my energies toward making sure I become gainfully employed again, here or elsewhere.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 23, 2006)

Sounds good, stargazer. If that's what you feel strongly, then that's the course you should follow. I really hope you can find something worthwhile to do while you're waiting for this new job to come through. Good luck to you!


----------



## Halo (Jun 23, 2006)

Hi Stargazer,

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this and I think that you have made an excellent choice.  I think that it is great that you have thought this process through and determined what is the best route for you. Also I was thinking while reading your post that if you find that working is just too overwhelming in the future than the disability will always be there if you need it.

I am proud of you.

Take Care
Nancy


----------



## stargazer (Jun 23, 2006)

Thanks, folks. In a way, it's ironic, because another person might be able to go through with all of it, without feeling the weird pains of trying to be two people at once, one of whom is only a pretense. So in a way, lacking that ability, I might be "disabled" in a broad sense of the word. But people who can skillfully work the system that way have an "ability" I'm not interested in obtaining.

Anyway, thank you all for you support. Take care and God bless.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jun 23, 2006)

That sounds good.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 23, 2006)

Wow--she just asked me today if I'd like to continue for an extra 3 weeks after the 2 weeks is up next week--someone wants to leave a similar position at another branch of the operation. In fact, it would be at the 6-week position I'd originally applied for. So, significantly more hours, and more money. I told her I'd love to, only I would need to continue to need a place to stay. She didn't seem to think that would be a problem. I'm going to know for sure on Monday. 

I have a funny feeling I might never go back...maybe I should call my friend Jim & see if he'll go clean out my apartment...


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jun 23, 2006)

Wow! 

Excellent!!!


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 23, 2006)

That's just awesome, stargazer! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear things are going so well for you. You have so much to offer, and all you've needed was a chance. Now, you've got that chance and you're on your way. I'm thrilled, and very proud of, and for you!


----------



## Peanut (Jun 23, 2006)

Congratulations stargazer!  I'm not surprised to hear that at all


----------



## Halo (Jun 23, 2006)

Congratulations Stargazer  I am so happy for you. 

Nancy


----------



## stargazer (Jun 24, 2006)

So I wound up accompanying this Anthony Rapp workshop yesterday afternoon (he played Mark Cohen, the narrator, in _Rent_ on Broadway & in the new movie) & then got a piano gig at the Marriott Hotel here, where I played for about a half hour before he gave a talk and read excerpts from his new book, *Without You.* A very fascinating man. I was completely absorbed, both during the workshop, and during the event at the Marriott. 

The theatre has all kinds of grant money right now--they were awarded two NEA grants last year. All the kids came to hear Anthony speak, and while they were in a long line awaiting his autograph, my education director invited me "upstairs" where I & a few others attended a little party on the top floor of the hotel. Anthony also came, I got his autograph, and the photographer took a shot of him and me standing together, among many other photos, including three of me solo, which is great, since I have no pictures of myself. He's going to jpeg them to me. My director and I talked a little, and she was like, "_You *are* going to stay all year, aren't you??" _

I think they like me here. So I guess what I'll do is finish out July, then give notice on my apartment on August 1st and teach one more month's worth of lessons to my six private piano and voice students. That ought to give me enough time to figure out how to re-locate. PM me for the company web site and other info. Thanks!


----------



## Peanut (Jun 24, 2006)

It sounds like the LOVE you there!!! What great feedback and what a stimulating environment to be in! I have a tremendous amount of respect for the decisions that you have made recently and for the path that you've decided to take. You seem so happy and excited~I think that's a good sign that this is the right thing for you!

Woooohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!  :yahoo: 👏 :yahoo:


----------



## stargazer (Jun 24, 2006)

Yah, this is so totally great. I still haven't slept but three hours. Took a little ten-minute nap at one point and woke up still jazzed. Not manic, I don't think, just jazzed.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 26, 2006)

Hey well, I got the pics back from the night on the top floor of the Marriott. This one's the best. Close up, I look like a Ram Dass disciple in a coat & tie, which pretty much translates to a cross between college professor and possible sleeze lawyer. Anyway, I'm psyched, because the guy sent back the photos in huge files, and I actually figured out how to crop and resize them using the Microsoft photo editor. (Which was easy, by the way, but my usual M.O. would have been to assume I'd never do it right). 

Anyway, this is what I look like, in case anyone (myself included) ever wondered. I'll dye my hair later, but for now I'll enjoy the dignified groove. (The beard turned white in the past year--ARRGGGHHH!!!)


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jun 26, 2006)

LOL! What's a "Ram Dass disciple"?


----------



## stargazer (Jun 26, 2006)

A disciple of Ram Dass. Actually, I saw a video of ol' Ram, and his forehead *does* resemble mine. Also, there's something similar in his expressions when he processes information, so I'm told. Anyway, after hanging out with all these enlightened types one can't help but go on an Eastern kick.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jun 26, 2006)

Ahh... Richard Alpert (son of George Alpert; confederate of the strange Timothy Leary)...

http://www.ramdasstapes.org/biography.htm



> Richard Alpert (Ram Dass) was born in 1931. His father, George, a lawyer, helped to found Brandeis University and was President of the New York, New Haven & Hartford Railroad. Ram Dass studied psychology, specializing in human motivation and personality development. He received an M.A. from Wesleyan and a Ph.D. from Stanford. He then served on the psychology faculties at Stanford and the University of California, and from 1958 to 1963 taught and researched in the Department of Social Relations and the Graduate School of Education at Harvard University. During this period he co-authored (with Sears and Rau) the book Identification and Child Rearing, published by Stanford University Press.
> In 1961, while at Harvard, Ram Dass' explorations of human consciousness led him, in collaboration with Timothy Leary, Ralph Metzner, Aldous Huxley, Allen Ginsberg, and others, to pursue intensive research with psilocybin, LSD-25, and other psychedelic chemicals. Out of this research came two books:The Psychedelic Experience (co-authored by Leary and Metzner, and based on The Tibetan Book of the Dead, published by University Books); and LSD (with Sidney Cohen and Lawrence Schiller, published by New American Library). Because of the controversial nature of this research, Ram Dass was dismissed from Harvard in 1963.
> 
> Ram Dass continued his research under the auspices of a private foundation until 1967. In that year he traveled to India, where he met his Guru (spiritual teacher), Neem Karoli Baba. Ram Dass studied yoga and meditation, and received the name Ram Dass, which means "servant of God." Since 1968, he has pursued a variety of spiritual practices, including guru kripa; devotional yoga focused on the Hindu spiritual figure Hanuman; meditation in the Theravadin, Mahayana Tibetan, and Zen Buddhist schools; karma yoga; and Sufi and Jewish studies.



Ram Dass - Wikipedia



> Dr. Richard Alpert (born April 6, 1931), later known as Baba Ram Dass, was a professor of psychology at Harvard University who became well known for his controversial research program which studied the effects of psilocybin on human subjects. He was born to a prominent Jewish family in Boston, Massachusetts. His father, George Alpert, was one of Boston's most prominent lawyers as well as a railroad executive and a founder of Brandeis University. Richard Alpert has two older brothers. He received a Bachelor of Arts Degree from Tufts University, a masters' degree from Wesleyan University and a doctorate from Stanford University.
> 
> Alpert worked closely with Dr. Timothy Leary at Harvard, where the two conducted experiments on the effects of psilocybin on human subjects. The pair were dismissed from the university in 1963. Leary was dismissed for not showing up to his classes, Alpert for giving psilocybin to an undergraduate in an off-campus apartment. They relocated, and continued their experiments at a private mansion in Millbrook, New York.
> 
> ...



Reading that last part about his stroke, aphasia, and continuing to give lectures is a testament to how people refuse to let themselves be stopped by disabilities. It also makes me wonder if his disciples have noticed yet.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 26, 2006)

The video I saw was actually filmed just after his stroke, when he was in early recovery. Truly, he really seemed fine with it all--mellow and undaunted. There's something admirable about that, and also about the focus and intention of those who practice yoga and meditation in general.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jun 26, 2006)

All of that is true, my silly attempt at humor aside.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 26, 2006)

Hey I LOVE your picture!!!!!! You look great!!!!!!!! That is exactly how I was picturing you  

It's fabulous! Great avatar!!! I love it!! And the background totally rocks too!!

 👏


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jun 26, 2006)

I agree. Great picture. It's nice seeing people here.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 26, 2006)

I agree...it is really nice! It makes it more cozy here!


----------



## Halo (Jun 26, 2006)

Hi Stargazer,

I too love the picture and you are totally what I had pictured in my mind.  

I also think that it is nice to see people with their pictures as their avatar but for me......that is still too scary. Maybe someday!!!!

Nancy


----------



## stargazer (Jun 26, 2006)

Actually, Nancy, I like the masks in your avatar. Reminds me of my chosen trade.  :roll:

I just re-cropped the picture, so it's more like a headshot but shows less of the City lights. Not sure which one's better, or which one you guys saw, but it's interesting (and gratifying) that I look like you'd pictured me in your minds! It always feels good when personality and appearance are compatible.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 26, 2006)

Ooh! I like the picture, too, stargazer. Somehow, your eyes reflect the dream inherent in the city lights behind you. Yep. The dreamer in you shows.


----------



## stargazer (Jun 26, 2006)

Yes, I think I see what you mean, ThatLady. There's something about the "visionary" look that gels really nicely with the starry background. Of course, it wasn't planned that way, but it's nice to have turned out like this.


----------



## Peanut (Jun 27, 2006)

I saw both and the background is nice in the other one but I like the closer up one because we can see your face better and you look really friendly and happy in it!


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jun 27, 2006)

I like the close up one the best too.


----------



## ThatLady (Jun 27, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> Yes, I think I see what you mean, ThatLady. There's something about the "visionary" look that gels really nicely with the starry background. Of course, it wasn't planned that way, but it's nice to have turned out like this.




Another aspect, to me, is that every person in that night-lit city has dreams. No matter how high, or how low, their station in life, they have dreams. Your eyes seem to reflect the dreams of humanity, and the dreamers that lead us onward.

Okay, so I get a little deep sometimes.


----------



## Halo (Jun 27, 2006)

I too like the closeup picture better. You can see your face better and your smile of hope. 

Nancy


----------



## stargazer (Jun 27, 2006)

Aw, you guys are saying such sweet things! But yes, I think the close-up is better. One still gets the sense of the city lights, and the sense of a vision, and hope and promise. It's really a cool picture--not sure I've ever had one like this before! (Of course, I've never been on the Penthouse of a major hotel before, either, but that's another story...)


----------



## stargazer (Jun 28, 2006)

Something strange has come up, and I'm not sure I can post about it here, even though it applies to this topic. I'll open up easier if I go over into the Members Only forum for a while. It has to do with my job and housing situation, and something about mood swings (or at least, what I *think* are the mood swings. I'll explain once over there.)


----------

