# Depressed again



## pocono (Sep 23, 2007)

It has been a long time since I have posted.  That is because I have been doing well.  Still 2x a week in therapy (3 years now) dealing with memories that surfaced three years ago after my grandmother died.

I routinely have experienced in these three years a pernicious cycle -- talking in therapy stirring things up, leading to flashbacks, leading to anxiety, then crashing in severe depression.

We've gone at least six months now without triggering this cycle....while still talking about difficult things.  Then, wham, we enter into some uncharted territory (having to do with ugly, murderous anger) and I 'm back in this god-awful cycle.

The flashbacks were earlier in the week.  Then the depression hit.  I can barely move.  I want to die.  I don't know what to do.  I feel so unbelievably alone.

There isn't anything to do but wait it out and hope it doesn't get worse.  I've never actually tried to kill myself, so that is in my favor.

But I hate myself for letting it get this bad again.  Why does this need to happen?  Why, after three years, don't I have it under control?  Why doesn't my therapist have it under control?  What is the therapy doing anyway?  

I need to aim the anger somewhere.  My father is dead, so what do I do with that anyway?  Where does it go?  How do I control it?

I'm guessing this post is rambling and incoherant.  I'm going to post anyway hoping for some support.  Sorry.


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## Retired (Sep 23, 2007)

Hello Pocono,

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.



> Why doesn't my therapist have it under control? What is the therapy doing anyway?



Have you ever posed these very good questions to your therapist, in order to give you an idea of your therapist's plan and the ultimate goal of your therapy and the anticipated time frame to achieve that goal?


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## ladylore (Sep 23, 2007)

Hi Pocono,

Welcome back :welcome:

I joined this forum in July so we haven't met until now. If its support you need you have come to the right place. 



> I want to die. I don't know what to do. I feel so unbelievably alone.
> 
> There isn't anything to do but wait it out and hope it doesn't get worse. I've never actually tried to kill myself, so that is in my favor.



I wanted to deal with this first. I have felt like that too at times. It wasn't that I wanted to die its that I wanted the pain to stop. Does your therapist allow emergency calls as it seems like you need to talk to someone. Can he/she make an emergency appointment for you tomorrow. If your feeling unsafe you can always go to the emegency ward of the closest hospital to recieve extra help. I know that is a scary option but these places are there to help. Another option is to ask a friend/family member to stay the night so you are not alone. The fact that you are talking is a good sign and I am glad you are here.



> talking in therapy stirring things up, leading to flashbacks, leading to anxiety, then crashing in severe depression.



I am a survivor of abuse myself and have also dealt with depression. I want to gently remind you Pocono that these are only feelings and feelings always change. They are strong, no doubt about that, but I can truthfully tell you that if you hang on they will change.



> We've gone at least six months now without triggering this cycle....while still talking about difficult things. Then, wham, we enter into some uncharted territory (having to do with ugly, murderous anger) and I 'm back in this god-awful cycle.



Have you talked with your therapist about safety plans, grounding and how to deal with these types of situations when they do come up, because they do. Having a step by step safety plan helps as you can refer to it when you need too.

What your feeling seems to be old feeling that you weren't allowed to express before and now they are coming up. Your therapist may have techniques to help you express those feelings during your session/s.

One last thing for now; you can also use this forum when things are going well too. It has done me a world of good to have that ongoing support network.

I look forward to seeing you around the forum. :hug:

Ladylore


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## Into The Light (Sep 23, 2007)

i too am sorry to hear you've hit another low and that you are suffering through this again. it sounds like you've hit "new" material that has caused you this new low, stuff that you haven't dealt with yet at all. maybe that is why you can't control it right now, because it's new, as opposed to other stuff you've been dealing with for a while now.

i agree with tsow that the questions you have are good ones to ask your therapist.


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## pocono (Sep 23, 2007)

Thanks to all three of you for the fast response.  Ladybug, it was especially nice to hear from you again!  Do you remember me?

My therapist is very kind and generous with his time.  We spent about 30 minutes on the phone today, and I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 2:00.  I just need to get from here to there.

We have talked about how and where the therapy is going.  He is very encouraging.  He does not feel that 3 years is such a long time relative to the things we are dealing with.  He also believes that I will not need to see him forever, and that we are making forward progress.

I believe these things too when I'm not in the toilet.  Which I am tonight.  My husband knows I'm down (he doesn't know the full extent of the depression).  He is very loving and understanding.......(it is just hard for me to lean on him or anybody when I'm like this).

I wish I could end the pain without hurting those I love.  I have three children -- 18, 12, 5.......so leaving them is really not an option.  My life-insurance would not even cover it!

Help.


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## Retired (Sep 23, 2007)

> hurting those I love. I have three children -- 18, 12, 5.......so leaving them is really not an option



You are correct; these are your very reasons to live.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and with the aid of your therapist you can get through this difficult time.

Do you have someone close to you, such a a family member or close friend to whom you can talk about your suicidal feelings and who can help to keep you safe until you see your therapist?

Do you have the number of a local crisis center where you can get help with your suicidal thoughts?



> He also believes that I will not need to see him forever, and that we are making forward progress



This is reason to keep yourself safe until your next appointment, because your therapist sees you coming out from under this temporary crisis.


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## pocono (Sep 23, 2007)

TSOW said:


> You are correct; these are your very reasons to live.
> 
> Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and with the aid of your therapist you can get through this difficult time.
> 
> ...




Steve

To be honest, I can't reach out to anyone other than my therapist.  That is the reason for posting on this forum.  I am afraid, ashamed, even disgusted by how I feel.


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## ladylore (Sep 23, 2007)

> My therapist is very kind and generous with his time. We spent about 30 minutes on the phone today, and I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 2:00. I just need to get from here to there.



This make me feel a whole lot better. Some of us are night owls so I am sure someone will be around on the forum for support, to help get you to your 2:00 appointment.  And yes, the crisis lines are also available.



> I am afraid, ashamed, even disgusted by how I feel.



I can't talk for everyone on the forum, but I do know a great deal of us have felt the exact same things you are feeling. There is no shame in that as we all go through hard times, sometimes - very hard times. And as long as you keep in mind that what your feeling are just that, feelings, and not act on them - then you will be safe until tomorrow.

Sending lots of hugs your way


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## pocono (Sep 23, 2007)

Thanks Ladylore.  It is nice to meet you.


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## Into The Light (Sep 23, 2007)

pocono said:


> Thanks to all three of you for the fast response.  Ladybug, it was especially nice to hear from you again!  Do you remember me?


i sure do  i was actually quite happy to see you post again today!



> I wish I could end the pain without hurting those I love.  I have three children -- 18, 12, 5.......so leaving them is really not an option.  My life-insurance would not even cover it!
> 
> Help.



hang on to your three kids and husband, they are four good, solid reasons to live.

i know how frightening being in a suicidal frame of mind can be. i really hope your session tomorrow will bring you relief. hang on and have faith that things will get better. :hug:


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## ThatLady (Sep 24, 2007)

Pocono, there's nothing for you to feel ashamed of.  You're a human being, that's all.  We can't always control our feelings, and there's never a need to be ashamed of them, or disgusted by them.  I'm sure, once you get to your therapist, he'll help you work through what you're feeling and get back to a more positive frame of mind.  Until then, don't be hard on yourself.  It's okay to hurt. :hug:


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## pocono (Sep 24, 2007)

I am ashamed of feeling suicidal.  I have so much in my life, it is awful to think about throwing it all away.  And so selfish.

But more than that, I am ashamed of being who I am.  I'm ashamed of what I've been through and what I've done.  I'm disgusted by myself and the thinks I allowed to happen.

I got some small insight last week about my anger at myself really stemming from my inability to aim the anger externally.......but I could not take comfort int he insight.  Instead the flashbacks started and the old feelings were set in motion.

I took a sleeping pill last night to get me through the night.  now i need to distract myself enough to make it to 2:00 p.m.  Of course, then it will be 2:50 and I will have to leave the safety and comfort of his office......I need to try not to think about that now or the whole visit seems futile.


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## Into The Light (Sep 24, 2007)

pocono said:


> I am ashamed of feeling suicidal.  I have so much in my life, it is awful to think about throwing it all away.  And so selfish.


you do have a lot in your life, and that is what is going to get you through this difficult time. i think that the feelings of shame probably make the thoughts of suicide even worse for you, and that in turn probably leads to more hopelessness. try to take a step back and see the suicidal thoughts for what they are - an expression of feeling hopeless, which in turn is a result of depression. depression is a disease. it's a disease making you have these thoughts. it doesn't reflect on who you are as a person or your character.



> But more than that, I am ashamed of being who I am.  I'm ashamed of what I've been through and what I've done.  I'm disgusted by myself and the thinks I allowed to happen.


shame is a difficult feeling but with the help of your therapist you can work through it and one day you'll realize that the things that happened to you were not your fault. it's going to take time but you will get there. :hug:

i hope your visit goes well today. it won't be futile. it'll help to deal with what's been going through your mind the past few days. it'll help you make it to the next visit. see it as a stepping stone to the next time you see him again.


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## pocono (Sep 24, 2007)

I've just returned home from my session.  It is kind of a blur to me.  I found myself in the memories again, wailing, feeling it all.  I can't look at my therapist when I'm in the memories.  I need to come back into the here and now before I can look at him, see him looking at me.

Somehow the session ended with me wanting (though, of course, not getting) a hug.  i am so wrung out.  So depleted.

It is less scary relying on him than it used to be.  That is good.  He told me it would make him very sad if I were to ever follow through on the suidical feelings.  And I believed him.  He would be sad.  That was helpful to really know and believe.  Another anchor.

I called my Dr.  at T's urging.  He is going to increase the meds some.  i take very low dosages due to hyper sensitive.  i hope tonight is better.  i'm exhausted.

Thanks for those who posted with me yesterday.  It helps.


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## Into The Light (Sep 24, 2007)

you're going to get through this, pocono. have faith and keep working at it. the best thing to do when you start to feel like it's too hard to hang on is to reach out for support. we're there and you're therapist is there for you. i hope you can get some rest after today. :hug:


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## ThatLady (Sep 25, 2007)

I'm glad you were able to let go of some of the pain and anger, pocono.  I do hope you get a good rest tonight. :hug:


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## Halo (Sep 25, 2007)

Pocono, I just wanted to offer some hugs :hug: :hug: to let you know that you are in my thoughts today and that you ARE going to get through this.  Hang on and stay safe and take it one moment at a time if you have to.

Take care :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## pocono (Sep 25, 2007)

Today was up and down, literally.  I started off feeling more like myself.  I had about 3 good hours before the tears welled up and I just crashed!  Everything at work seems sooooo much harder.

Crashing after feeling better made the feeling better seem pointless.  I don't even understand what caused the crash.  I was just sitting there and all of a sudden the despair was back, full throttle.


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## Into The Light (Sep 25, 2007)

:hug: :hug: i am sorry you went through such intense feelings of despair again today. when do you see your therapist again?


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## pocono (Sep 25, 2007)

I see him again on Thurs.  Feels like ages away.


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## Into The Light (Sep 25, 2007)

i can imagine. still, just hang on to that next visit. cross off the hours if you have to. you'll get through it.


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## ladylore (Sep 26, 2007)

Hi Pocono,

The fact that you felt happiness, even for a while is great as its a reminder that feelings do change - you won't feel this kind of sadness forever. 

In the mean time I am sending you many of these :hug:

Take care

Ladylore


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## Halo (Sep 26, 2007)

Poccono I just wanted to send you some hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: to help you get through the day and know that I have been in your same situation and having the same feelings many times....it does pass and it will get better, just take it one hour or one minute at a time.  Lean on your friends, post here and remember that there are people that love you.

Take care :hug:
:hug: :hug:


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## pocono (Sep 26, 2007)

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.  I felt like the walking dead today.  Like I am just in function mode, with little feeling or affect.  It was better than being completely sad, crying all the time.....but honestly not much better.

i have a big meeting I'm organizing for work on Sunday.  it keeps me focused, but I'm also worried I'm going to screw it up somehow.....it will all come crashing down on top of me.

I wonder what people would think of me if they knew what I am going through as i just tread water and smile and try to look ok.


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## Into The Light (Sep 26, 2007)

> I wonder what people would think of me if they knew what I am going through as i just tread water and smile and try to look ok.


i can tell you what i think of you. i think you are being incredibly courageous. you're keeping going despite of how hard things are. i know this is terribly difficult for you to keep on that front as if everything is ok. i admire your courage and strength.


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## Cat Dancer (Sep 26, 2007)

I agree with ladybug. You are very courageous. I tend to just give up when I'm feeling badly. You are keeping on, doing the things that have to be done. You DO have a lot of courage and strength.


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## stargazer (Sep 27, 2007)

I haven't read the thread carefully, as I also haven't posted in a long time.  I myself have been unusually depressed, and in a set of circumstances that often has excited me, rather than depressed me.  So I don't know what to make of it.  But I did notice the Einstein quote beneath ladlylore's signature, and I am reminded that to frame life as though everything is a miracle, and as though there is nothing in the Universe that happens by error or mistake, is probably the best way to live.  It might not surmount the depths of all depression and despair, but it can always provide hope where none had been.  It did so, for me, this morning.


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## pocono (Sep 29, 2007)

Depression has improved somewhat during the day.  By early evening I pretty much crash still.

Sunday I have a large work event from 5-9.  I'm teaching 1/2 hour workshop in front of 100 people.  I spent most of today preparing (twice as long as it should have taken me).

i hope the adrenaline allows me to be "on" tomorrow night.  I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight to make sure I get a good night's rest.  

I'm very anxious, to say the least.

Thanks to everyone for your support so far.


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## Into The Light (Sep 29, 2007)

i am glad there is some improvement in the depression. it's hard, isn't it? :hug:

i hope the workshop goes well tomorrow evening. i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you :crossfingers:


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## Halo (Sep 30, 2007)

Good luck on your teaching Pocono...I will be thinking of you and also keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well :crossfingers:

Take care :heart:


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