# Why bother



## BluMac81 (Jul 13, 2008)

Why bother with this life. 26 years I have lived and have never felt happiness, only pain, sorrow, agony, regret, remorse, and the like. I try to 'stop and smell the roses' so to speak in my everyday life but really....see nothing positive outthere. I enjoy nothing.  

I sit here now staring at three bottles of pills... and thinking about how I could end it all right now. End all of my to-do lists, my obligations, my unending depression.  

But... leaving behind a deep pain for my sisters and mother who a care about and love deeply is too much for me to bear, even beyond death.  So suffice to say, they are the reason why i am still alive. Otherwise I don't see a point in this drab world.


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## Halo (Jul 13, 2008)

At times like this Blumac you need to hang onto whatever you can that will help you through.  What it seems to be right now for you is the love that you have for your mother and sisters.  Please hang onto that love that you have for them and they have for you and that love will pull you through.

If you are in need of help and find yourself in danger, call the crisis line again or go to your local emergency room.  There are people out there that can help you.  You don't need to suffer on your own.

Take care


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## BluMac81 (Jul 13, 2008)

Halo said:


> At times like this Blumac you need to hang onto whatever you can that will help you through.  What it seems to be right now for you is the love that you have for your mother and sisters.  Please hang onto that love that you have for them and they have for you and that love will pull you through.
> 
> If you are in need of help and find yourself in danger, call the crisis line again or go to your local emergency room.  There are people out there that can help you.  You don't need to suffer on your own.
> 
> Take care



Thank you Halo.  I will hang onto that love. Nomatter what.


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## Into The Light (Jul 13, 2008)

i know how difficult it is, being where you are, believing there is no point to life. i've been there, and it is not a good place to be.

hang on to your mother and your sisters as reasons to live. they need you in their lives.

i was in a very desperate place myself at one time, and didn't know how i could possibly get through the unbearable pain. but somehow i survived and got through. i am so happy i did. 

don't give up, things can change for the better, and as you say, things always do change. 

this post may be of help to you.
When you feel you can't go on - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help  & Mental Health Forum


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## BluMac81 (Jul 13, 2008)

Into The Light said:


> i know how difficult it is, being where you are, believing there is no point to life. i've been there, and it is not a good place to be.
> 
> hang on to your mother and your sisters as reasons to live. they need you in their lives.
> 
> ...



I believe you
I wont give up


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## Into The Light (Jul 13, 2008)

hang in there. call the crisis line again if need be. keep yourself safe. i know you can do this.


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## braveheart (Jul 13, 2008)

How're things looking today?


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## Into The Light (Jul 13, 2008)

when i woke up this morning you were the first thing on my mind. are you "okay" today?


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## ladylore (Jul 13, 2008)

I read your post only this morning Blumac. How are things this morning?


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## BluMac81 (Jul 13, 2008)

ladylore said:


> I read your post only this morning Blumac. How are things this morning?



I am perfectly fine  slept a good 9 hours which did wonders.  Luckily, these nasty bouts of suicidal depression are rare for me, but when they hit, they hit HARD.

Thank you everyone for helping me through the dark times 

*hugs*



Into The Light said:


> when i woke up this morning you were the first thing on my mind. are you "okay" today?


Aww sorry to worry you so...
I am just fine today. Hopeful about a new week. 
Thank you for talking me through and being a friend during my 'dark' times


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## Halo (Jul 13, 2008)

Blumac, 

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling a lot better today and that you have come out of that dark period.

:2thumbs:


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## Retired (Jul 13, 2008)

Hello Blumac,

As has been said, your family is your reason to live.   Do they live close by?

Have you ever talked to your doctor, your family or spiritual advisor about your suicidal thoughts?

Have you ever made an attempt at suicide sometime in the past?

Be sure that if and when these thoughts invade your thinking again, that you can share your feelings here for support.


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## Into The Light (Jul 13, 2008)

i am really glad to hear you're feeling better today :goodjob: i am also glad you reached out here.


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## BluMac81 (Jul 14, 2008)

Well, unfortunately I meant I felt 'physically' better. Today I felt almost like an 'aftershock depression' of the nasty bout I had last night.  Just a moderate feeling of depression all throughout the day.  Sure doesn't help when I look at my wrist which reminds me of that dark hour... (the SI)
Anyway psycologist appt. tommorow at 11am. I am hopeful that she can help!


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## braveheart (Jul 14, 2008)

All the best for your appointment today.


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## Into The Light (Jul 14, 2008)

i am sure your appointment will be of help to you. hang in there!


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## Halo (Jul 14, 2008)

Even feeling physically better is a start and feeling moderate depression is definitely better than the really dark place that you were in the other night.

I am sure that your appointment today with your psychologist will be helpful. Good luck :goodluck: and let us know how it goes.

Take care


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## BluMac81 (Jul 14, 2008)

Halo said:


> Even feeling physically better is a start and feeling moderate depression is definitely better than the really dark place that you were in the other night.
> 
> I am sure that your appointment today with your psychologist will be helpful. Good luck :goodluck: and let us know how it goes.
> 
> Take care



It definitely is.
So met up with the psycologist today, told her my situation (I have two main issues the panic/suicidal/extreme depressive state and the lingering mild/moderate depression every day), and she reccomended CBT therapy with I agree would help (had started it before way back but never fully got into it).  Gonna stick with it this time. Got my 5-column daily record of dysfunctional thoughts, "warning signs' worksheets and gonna staple them to my precious to-do list and update them as needed.  Really gonna work with it this time, apply myself.  

By the way, is it just me or does it seem like all pscyologists have this 'casual' attitude when treating you, a big contrast from medical doctors.  I guess it helps the patient to open up.  But I just noticed that with all the psychologist I've been to, they've all been like that. lol


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## Into The Light (Jul 14, 2008)

i am glad you met with her and that you're dedicated to working on the cbt  now there may be days where you may feel you aren't able to do it and then get depressed thoughts about that. that is perfectly ok if that happens. don't expect perfection from yourself. take it one day at a time, and if you run out of motivation there's always psychlinks to give you a boost. all you have to do is ask


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## BluMac81 (Jul 14, 2008)

Into The Light said:


> i am glad you met with her and that you're dedicated to working on the cbt  now there may be days where you may feel you aren't able to do it and then get depressed thoughts about that. that is perfectly ok if that happens. don't expect perfection from yourself. take it one day at a time, and if you run out of motivation there's always psychlinks to give you a boost. all you have to do is ask



Thank you so much, and thank you to everyone for your support!
I actually mention this forum often when in session, matter of fact the 3 antidepressants reccomended in these forums I am going to mention to my psychiatrist as plausable options  you guys are a great help!


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## Into The Light (Jul 14, 2008)

i am glad psychlinks is of help to you. that's what it's meant for  :goodjob:


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## Elizabeth (Sep 1, 2008)

A good question easily answered, you just think of what tomorrow could bring and of a good memory and of people who care for you, hang in there:support:


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## prayerbear (Sep 1, 2008)

I hurt for you. I know what depression is like, but please don't feel like I am pushing religion on you-I am not a pushy person-I am oversensitive to others feelings to the point of being compulsive(OCD)I take it too far until it's a fault.
    Man was made with an inner void that they try to fill and I believe you feel empty inside. I would like introduce you to not a religion, but a relationship with God. Yes, He is real and loves you no matter what you did or did not do. He is not ready to hit you with lightening if you act up. But rather man has a need to fill inside with uncondional love and acceptance. God really loves you and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have found unspeakable happiness and peace in spite of my OCD, bipolar, and intense PTSD. (I had to put my father in prison for raping/molesting my sisters and he almost raped me.
    I know that bad things are caused by Satan who wants to destroy people. I know that God prevented my life from being completely destroyed, and yes I forgave my father.
    If you don't know why you are on this planet it can get lonely w/o a relationship with God. Christianity is not a bunch of rules and regulations, but feeling accepted by the creator of the universe.
                          I care about you in a pure Christian way,
                                         prayerbear


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