# Husband died



## erinatkins (Jun 18, 2009)

Hi All,

I havent been on in awhile and I decided to look at some of grief threads today since I am dealing with that now. My Dad died in January (expected). Then April 29, my husbabd died unexpectedly on a softball field. He collapsed and was dead when we went to the hospital. They said it was ventricular fibrillation.

Some days I think I am doing ok - other days it is rough. We have a 18 year old daughter. She graduated on Saturday. Thar was a rough day for us. I guess I am trying to keep it together for her & me. We both break down at times.

I know it is ok to cry and I do alot. I hear a song I cry. I think over all my daughter and I are handling so-so since there is alot of things that were coming up after he died - her graduation, Fathers day and then his birthday. It is hard at times - really hard.

My family has been real supportive and are trying to make things easier which I appreciate. I do not want to be a burden. His parents I am having bigger problem with because they were not as close. His mom is negative and I can not handle negative right now. I can't make things better for her. I need to worry about us right now.  I feel bad for feeling this way.

I know I need a break soon just so I can relax. 

Erin


----------



## Meg (Jun 18, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss, Erin.  The shock and devastation of losing someone so unexpectedly must be so difficult.  I'm glad that you feel able to express your grief, particularly on significant days, and that you have family that you can depend on, even if some are less helpful than others.  I hope that writing about it a little has been helpful for you.

:hug::hug:


----------



## Charity (Jun 18, 2009)

Hi Erin,

My heart goes out to you in your time of grief. It must be very difficult to adjust to the losses of two of your closest family members in such a short time. Geez, I say "very difficult"... More like gutwrenchingly painful. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I think it's awesome that your family is giving you the support you need! It definitely helps to have people understand. As far as his your m-i-l being negative... You're absolutely right. You *don't* need negativity right now. You've both been dealt a blow, and you each have to deal with it as best you can. Her way is obviously very different than your way, and it sounds like she's only making things more difficult for you. While I'm not saying that it's necessarily worth sacrificing your friendly relationship, I don't see anything wrong with respectfully making it known that you simply can't deal with that sort of negativity at this time. She's has a painful loss and is looking at things through that filter-- but you've also suffered a loss of your own, and you deserve to deal with it on your own terms. 

You say you feel bad for feeling as you do-- but you don't need to! No one needs to! You feel what you feel, and that's just the way it is. If you need that break, by all means take it! You do what you need to do to make your way through the grief. That applies to your m-i-l as well. You're right; you can't make things better for her. Only she knows what she needs to do to work through her grief. Each of you deserves the chance to grieve in your own way, and if for you that means "taking a break" from certain people or situations, there's nothing in the world wrong with that.

I wish you and your daughter the best. :hug:


----------



## texasgirl (Jun 18, 2009)

I am so very sorry for your losses, Erin.  It sounds like you are doing your level best to cope with a truly tragic situation and my heart goes out to you and your family.

Are there any bereavement groups in your town/area that you might be able to attend?  I know that they helped my best friend when her husband died.

Having lost my husband I can only say that the grief process takes time, and is a challenge for anyone, especially if you are dealing with losing your spouse and dealing with your daughter's loss of her father.  You may also want to consider seeking additional counseling for the both of you.

Take care and my thoughts are with you,

TG  :support:  :hug: :hug:


----------



## Trust (Jun 18, 2009)

Good morning, ErinAtkins!

I read your post and am amazed that you are able to articulate your feelings so well under the circumstances! Please accept my sympathies for the loss of your husband  and your Dad. 

You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter by trying to acknowledge and deal with milestones and celebrations - like Father's Day this Sunday which will no doubt be extremely hard on you both! Even though these days may feel ultra sad and sentimental right now, like your daughter's graduation, they are important and you will both look back on the occasion one day in the future and be glad for having made the huge effort to honour it and your daughter's and your own resilience, which is obvious to me!:2thumbs:

Music when I am upset or sad is a great comfort and can bring cleansing tears when I am unable to express in words how I may be feeling. You are so right - it is more than okay to cry and I think it is very healthy as long as you don't get lost in those tears for too long. Have you listened to Annie Lennox's song from the movie Lord of the Rings, Into the West? I adore that song and I find it very consoling when my spirit is feeling wounded.

I cannot say I have ever experienced anything near what you are going through, but I can feel for you and the pain you are in. I hope you are able to lean on family and friends as much as you need to and I'm happy that you and your daughter have one another. I hope your husband's mom has others she can lean on so you will be free from that expectation. She may be negative but my heart goes out to her as well - if it were my son I'd be beyond consolation! Still, you cannot be further burdened by having to comfort her in her time of need because that would probably be just way too overwhelming. And you certainly should not feel anyway responsible for your husband's family nor should you feel bad for not wanting or being able to help with anyone else's sorrow in the moment. You have a lot to deal with as it is I imagine, just coping yourself and helping your daughter get through everything she is bound to be feeling. I hope you are both surrounded by love and support!

As I said, your grief is way beyond my experience, but I trust you will receive the kind of support and kindness from others here whom perhaps have experienced a death of a spouse and/or a parent.

Hugs from me to both you and your daughter and your husband's family! Thank you for sharing your story, ErinAtkins!:grouphug: You sound like you are a very strong person and I'm sure you will find many ways to cope with your losses - best of luck to you on your journey!


----------



## Retired (Jun 18, 2009)

Erin,

May I offer my condolences on the loss of your husband.  It must be a difficult time, and one where you need to rely on the supportive members of your family and friends.

The first year is perhaps the most difficult, and with time and the support of family and friends, the pain subsides, but the wonderful memories remain.

It is unfortunate that your mother in law has been less than supportive, and perhaps she is unwittingly misdirecting her grief and frustration toward you.

Your best strategy is probably to stay out of her way; what is her relationship like with your daughter?


----------



## Jazzey (Jun 18, 2009)

Hi Erin,

I'm finding it hard to respond to your post only because I'm afraid of saying platitudes; I'm awkward at expressing myself at times.  Just know that you & your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.  

Please feel free to lean on all of us here at Psychlinks on those days when you need a little bit of strength or, when you just want to vent about life's injustices. :hug::hug: :flowers:


----------



## NicNak (Jun 18, 2009)

Dear Erin.

I am sorry for the loss of your father and husband.  :support:


----------



## Jackie (Jun 18, 2009)

I too am sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my thoughts:hug:


----------



## erinatkins (Jun 24, 2009)

Thanks for all the support. I think I needed it.

I know at times I do get over whelmed but I do have a little support from my family. I am trying to make sure my daughter does stay on a good path. I know it would be really easy for someone to take advantage of feelings.

I have had a good day here and there. A few where It is really rough and I am not sure what I really should do. It is lonely at times in the house. I feel bad because I am not calling some people but ....

I have not looked into support groups yet. I know I need to

Thanks again,
Erin


----------



## HBas (Jun 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your huge loss, Please try to take care of yourself in this difficult grieving process. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you too.

HB :support: :hug:


----------



## amastie (Jun 24, 2009)

Dear Erin,
I cannot find words that are worthy to show my support.  Just know that in my heart I feel that.
May life delivery the strength and the resources that you need.  :hug:
amastie


----------



## stargazer (Jun 27, 2009)

I also have trouble finding words to share how badly I feel for your loss.  One thing that has come to mind is that I hope you and your daughter are finding time to spend with each other, and that on some level, your relationship is being strengthened.  I don't think either me or my daughter would be able to endure very long without each other's support in the event of a mutual loss.  She lost both her grandmothers in the past three to five years, and I am without living ancestors and a very close friend for the same reason.  But I think that over time, this has brought me and her closer together.  If you have ongoing support from others in your family as well, this might grow into something gainful, and bridges will be built.  I know my brother and sister and I are all closer after Mom's passing, though it has taken some time.  Take care and take heart.


----------



## forgetmenot (Jul 1, 2009)

I hope you and your daughter has got the support you need. I am so sorry for you loss.


----------



## erinatkins (Jul 9, 2009)

My daughter & I are talking alot and we also have cried together. The house is really quiet without him and even though he wasn't always a big speaker - he made us laugh. He joked and picked on her friends.

I guess we are both dealing with fact that we don't think this should have happened now. Not that there is a good time to die - but it was so unexpected. In my mind I knew if Cancer came back or liver was failing we would have know it was coming and could have been prepared. This was so unexpected we didn't get to say good bye for real. Yes we did say good byes after he died but it really wasn't the same. 

We both still need him and he isn't there anymore... It is good that we are talking and expressing feelings but it doesn't take away the pain sometimes. I want to change time and I know I can't.


----------



## Retired (Jul 9, 2009)

Erin,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.  Feel free to come here to express your grief and share your feelings as we are here for support during these times.

You may wish to investigate Griefshare.org that can point you to local support groups.


----------



## erinatkins (Jul 24, 2009)

I am really ready for this to get easier. I know since my husband died my blood pressure has gone up. They think temp thing since it is normally low caused by stress.

I know I am not sleeping well right now.  I just cant stay asleep real long after I go to sleep.

I have appointment with new MD near end of August. I was not happy with old MD & really like this MD.

I am trying not to stress but I guess I am. We are getting by financially but I can't stop thinking it wasn't fair he died. I wasn't ready for this. I want him here.
I know I can't have this.

Erin


----------



## Banned (Jul 24, 2009)

Erin,

I'm so sorry this is such a difficult time for you and your daughter.  I'm so glad you have each other though.

I don't have alot of words for you.  I know when someone is grieving there's nothing anyone can say or do to take the pain away.  I'm glad you're reaching out though and also taking the time to grieve the loss of your beloved husband.

I can only offer you some hugs, and the support of this forum.  Nothing is adequate for a hurt that runs so deep.

Take care of yourself.


----------



## Retired (Jul 24, 2009)

Erin,

It's never fair to lose a loved one, especially at such a young age.

My father died at a similar young age, and I remember the difficulty my mother experienced.  It was with the help and support of family and friends, and her own strong will that got her through.

During this difficult and stressful tim, Erin, your best advice would be to reach out to those who care for you.

May i also suggest that you postpone any important decisions, such as property sales, major investment strategy changes, or even lifestyle changes for at least six months, until you can think these things through more clearly.

Be wary of those who try to rush you into making decisions, particularly financial decisions during this difficult time.  If such decisions are required, it would be in your best interests to get at least two independent second opinions.


----------



## erinatkins (Jul 24, 2009)

Thanks for the advise.  I am trying not to make any major decisions on some things. I did get new will done & applied for life insurance since I was rider on my husbands. I need to make sure my daughter is taken care of.

Yes a few people have been pushy & I am putting them off. I know I am not ready to deal with some things. 

Some people are wanting me to go to bars and meet new people & I am not ready for that. Alcohol wont help this & I cant move on that quick and pretend I am not hurting.

I also cant handle all the people that are saying god doesn't give you more than you can handle & there is reason for this. As far as I am concerned there isnt a good enough reason for him to die so you.

Every support group I have looked at so far is religious & I need non religious one right now.

I am venting I know but this month as been hard. Brians birthday was 4th & mine was 16th & he wasn't there for 1st time in over 20 years. Cassandra misses her dad. I hate this.

Erin


----------



## Fiver (Jul 24, 2009)

Erin, please accept my belated but heartfelt wishes that your sadness will soon be replaced with peace.

xxoo...


----------



## Banned (Jul 24, 2009)

Hi Erin,

I wouldn't say you're venting - I'd say you're coping as best as you can.  My heart just breaks for you right now.  It really does.  Your feelings regarding all of this are certainly valid and you have the right to hurt and grieve.

Keep posting here - we'll support you as much as we're able.


----------



## erinatkins (Jul 25, 2009)

Thanks all,

And today is day I am not coping well. Maybe it is because the house is so quiet even though TV is on. I heard a song and burst in tears but song is so true.

If I Had Only Known  _ Reba

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed 
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown 
If I had only known

Maybe I shouldn't listen to music since I had a good cry. But maybe I needed it. I have no clue today. Just a down day.

Erin


----------



## Retired (Jul 25, 2009)

Erin,

There is no doubt these are difficult days, but there will be good days along with the bad days.

Eventually there will be more good days then bad days, the pain should be less intense, but the wonderful memories will always remain.

With the support of friends and those who care about you, the journey should be a little easier.


----------

