# It's just so hard



## gardens (Nov 29, 2009)

Hi Everyone,
I thought I'd post a couple thoughts/questions.  I admire they way some of you post your feelings, I have such a hard time sharing my feelings even when it's anonymous like this.

I'm constantly thinking about suicide, always wanting to die.  I'm not actively planning anything-but I just want the pain to stop.  It does sometimes, but it always comes back.  It's so tiring.  Why do we put down our pets and aren't able to do the same with ourselves.  Why do we have to endure this?

My depression has driven my siblings away.  They don't know what to do with me.  I live with my elderly mother, who is in excellent health.  But my plan is to see her through this life and then I will go too.  She really is the only one who has the compassion, patience and love that I need.  She too is the only one who really needs me.  Her and I have a great relationship which is a blessing.

I moved back home almost 2 decades ago when I went through my first depression.  I couldn't work for a few years and needed to move back home.  When I started a new career-my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I stayed to give back and help them out.  Again, I'm very lucky that we got along so well, and it turned out to be a great arrangement.  My dad died in 2004 and now it's just my mom and I.  After she is gone I feel that maybe I've done enough and can stop the pain in my head.  I've always disagreed with people calling depression the "black dog" the "black hole", these things exists outside of oneself.  My depression is me.  I feel it's me I'm fighting all the time.

I just feel things slipping away.  People, relationships-what's the point?
Okay-so I posted-yes it is a cry for help.
thanks for reading
Gardens


----------



## Andy (Nov 29, 2009)

Hi gardens,

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are feeling this way. I sincerely hope you can find some help and get to feeling better. I'm sorry this wasn't much of a reply.:support:

I don't have much I can say without sounding like a hypacrit so I am going to post this and bump it up to the top and maybe some of the others will be able to help.


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 29, 2009)

Hi   Your lines "My depression is me" I feel i am fighting me all time"  is how i feel constantly wanting to just let go thinking of peace on the other side. but won't  Like you i have people here who keeps me here for now.  I am glad you have your mothers understanding and companionship she must bring you alot of comfort.  In regards to your depression have you talked to your doctor about this maybe try some of newer meds for depression. Therapy seems to work as well as it gives you someone to talk over things without upsetting family.
I am glad you were able to post here and hope it helped in sharing what you are feeling.  Keep talking okay as i said i can relate as others so you are not alone is this  take care.


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 29, 2009)

I'm sorry you're going through this Garden...Right here listening.  Depression is a tough one.  I also suffer from depression and suicidal ideations.  In the tougher moments, I remind myself that the negative, fatalistic thinking stems from the depression.  So I try and give myself 24 hours.  

Garden, I'm sorry if I'm making you repeat yourself - but, are you seeing a therapist?  Are you taking any medications?  

Those are the 2 things that have really helped me this year...  Keep leaning on Psychlinks...we're here and we're listening. :support:


----------



## Cat Dancer (Nov 29, 2009)

I wanted to echo asking if you're seeing a therapist? Depression can seriously distort our thinking. I can relate because I've had suicidal thoughts for years. I am working on them in therapy though. Please hang in there.


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 29, 2009)

gardens, i am sorry you are suffering from depression. i went through it myself and i know how difficult and painful it is, and how hard we have to fight to get through just a day.

you haven't mentioned getting any type of treatment, and i was wondering if you are getting any help from your doctor, a therapist, and/or medications. depression is not going to go away on its own, and it's not something we can overcome on our own.

i remember thinking what was the point of life, of relationships, of fun things, because it all seemed so trivial and frivolous. i have since recovered from the depression, i am doing well in my day to day, i have energy, i can function and do what needs to be done for both work and at home without too much effort. i can enjoy people again, i can enjoy fun pass times again, i even want people around now and to form friendships. i am healthy again, and all these things gain meaning again when we work through the depression and become well.

depression really clouds us, it shrouds us in darkness, it takes away any pleasure we may feel in life, and it makes everything painful. everything. no wonder we end up suicidal. there is too much pain.

i am incredibly grateful that i have survived my depression and that life has become meaningful to me again. i say this to you to tell you that 1) you CAN recover 2) it is worth the battle. this is not to say that it is an easy road. it is a very difficult road (at least, it was for me), but i am so so so glad i fought it and that i am here today. i am healthy again and i cannot express how grateful i am for that.

so i tell you what i tell anyone i meet who is in the grips of depression. you can get better. there is hope. it is difficult but keep at it. the darkness will gradually lift. it may seem many times that nothing is changing and that it is hopeless, but things do change, they are just so gradual that sometimes we can't detect the changes. there is hope. keep working on it, don't give up, and over time you will notice here and there suddenly an improvement over 3 months ago, and think wow, i actually am doing better. there is hope, and it's worth the fight.


----------



## gardens (Nov 29, 2009)

Hi everyone,
Thanks for your replys.
Yes I am on medication - Celexa, 30mg, and I was seeing a therapist, but she left to a new job and I couldn't follow her there.  I was supposed to see another one but cancelled at the last minute.  The idea of starting over again was too much.  I know, dumb move.

I know I need to give things more time.  I slipped into this depression and I have wait until I 'slip' out again.  It won't happen over night.  

All the things you all say I know 'logically' but I can't seem to really believe them.
Anyway thanks so much for the support 
I fight on. I just need a Rider win in Calgary today! 
Gardens


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 29, 2009)

gardens said:


> Hi everyone,
> Thanks for your replys.
> Yes I am on medication - Celexa, 30mg, and I was seeing a therapist, but she left to a new job and I couldn't follow her there.  I was supposed to see another one but cancelled at the last minute.  The idea of starting over again was too much.  I know, dumb move.



Can you make another appointment for yourself?



> I know I need to give things more time.  I slipped into this depression and I have wait until I 'slip' out again.  It won't happen over night.


I don't think that it's a matter of slipping out of it though.  There is work that needs to be done to support you so that you can alleviate the depression.  I think seeing another therapist would be a good path towards that goal.  



> All the things you all say I know 'logically' but I can't seem to really believe them.
> Anyway thanks so much for the support



Ah yes...That's the trick with depression:  it makes you believe a bunch of lies.


----------



## gardens (Nov 29, 2009)

You're right about the therapist and you're right about needing to do some work...and now I don't like you anymore   Kidding....I think I just tend to give in to the depression and wallow.  Which is where I am now, I've always wondered how differently we feel from 'normal' people?

I will give a therapist more thought - Now that I'm back at work. I can afford one again.  I used up all my freebies.


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 29, 2009)

gardens said:


> You're right about the therapist and you're right about needing to do some work...and now I don't like you anymore



:lol:  That made me laugh.  It's so easy for me to tell you these things this morning Garden.  Right now, I'm in the grips of depression too - so much easier to tell someone else what to do. 



> I think I just tend to give in to the depression and wallow.  Which is where I am now, I've always wondered how differently we feel from 'normal' people?



Yes, I'm really good at the wallowing thing myself.  When I'm here, I see absolutely nothing nice about anything, anyone.  But, I also recognize that it's the depression talking.  

In your introduction thread, you called depression "a bully and a liar" - Amen, what a wonderful description of it.  That's exactly what it is.  So sometimes we need to fight it back....

Aside from that, what's "normal" :lol:?  It would be nice to not have to deal with depression, to actually enjoy life - but, with a little bit of work, we'll get there and more importantly, we deserve to get there. 



> I will give a therapist more thought - Now that I'm back at work. I can afford one again.  I used up all my freebies.



Good. And of course, we're here to support you too.


----------



## gardens (Nov 30, 2009)

My 55 year old brother-in-law suffered a brain-stem stroke yesterday.
I'm devestated, they live in northern B.C. and are just now on their way to Edmonton to find out why.  My poor sister.  They have 5 children.

And here I sit, wanting my pain to be over.  I feel so selfish.  I hate this pain.  He's 55 - just retire in May.

Last year I lost my best friend to cancer.  She was 51 - had to watch this vibrant beautiful woman fade away in 7 months.

Life is too hard.  I know it's not supposed to make sense, and we are supposed to keep going.  But why?  Maybe some people just aren't very good at living.  I'm not strong.  I really wish I were.  I'm not.  
G


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your losses Garden. :support:

Sometimes life can be hard.  And yet we always manage to get through these difficult times.   Sending you strength for this very difficult time and, please feel free to lean on us here.  While you may think that you're not strong right now, it's amazing what we can do during difficult times.


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 30, 2009)

I am too sorry you are suffering Garden and will pray your brother inlaw will recoup some of his losses with proper rehab and care.  Life can be very difficult and unfair but now is time to lean on your friends and family to give you strength so you can help your sister. Take care


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 30, 2009)

Have you ever read _When Bad Things Happen to Good People_ by Harold S. Kushner?

I think it addresses some of the questions you're asking. There are some reader reviews on the page linked above.


----------



## forgetmenot (Dec 30, 2009)

Hi Garden just checking in to see how things are. How is  your brotherinlaw doing  after his stroke.  Hope you are getting support for you now  take care.


----------

