# Struggling with suicidal thoughts



## jlc20m (Dec 30, 2011)

:thankyou2: for sharing this information, make_art. I really appreciate it. I (and many alters inside) have been struggling with this issue quite seriously over the past many months. 

jlc20m et al :hide:


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## Retired (Dec 30, 2011)

*Re: I?m thinking about suicide / I want to kill myself*

jlc20m et al,

Are you saying you are having thoughts of suicide at this time?

What if any therapy are you receiving, where you might be able to discuss and explore these suicidal thoughts?

Have you ever made an attempt in the past?


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## forgetmenot (Dec 30, 2011)

*Re: I?m thinking about suicide / I want to kill myself*

i hope you are not is such a dark place  as stated  it hurts  and one needs to know when to reach out okay always have a number okay on hand to call someone you trust you can call okay  to get you thru that impulse


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## jlc20m (Dec 31, 2011)

*Re: I?m thinking about suicide / I want to kill myself*



Steve said:


> jlc20m et al,
> 
> Are you saying you are having thoughts of suicide at this time?
> 
> ...



~TW for Suicide and Self-Injury~

Suicidal thoughts/urges are just some of the problems I struggle with as I heal from my abusive childhood/adolescence. I'm very mildly suicidal right now but I'm coping. However, I've struggled with severe suicidal ideation/urges as recently as Halloween and needed hospitalization to prevent acting on them. Alters in my system also struggle with this issue. I don't want to go into details, but yes, we've attempted in the past. I/we also self-injure sometimes. I do have a safety plan in place and follow it with the help of my T. We see him twice a week for trauma therapy and have regular check-ins in between sessions. I'm taking medications for flashbacks/abreactions, anxiety, chaotic switching, and depression. They are helping. However, when the flashbacks and abreactions occur many times a day over an extended period of time, I/we become very tired and the suicidal feelings/thoughts/urges come up. I do work full time and am the caregiver of my elderly mother whom I almost lost a year ago to physical illness. These are also sources of stress for me. I'm doing the best I can despite everything. I'm sorry for using "we" so much, but there is "some" co-presence in my system. We are working towards eventual co-consciousness and integration. Thank you for reading.

jlc20m et al


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 31, 2011)

Thread split from http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/28288-i-m-thinking-about-suicide-i-want-to-kill-myself.html


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## Retired (Dec 31, 2011)

> I do have a safety plan in place and follow it with the help of my T



This is perhaps the most important part of keeping yourself safe.  Are you living alone or is there another family member or friend living with you who can help you if you are ever in crisis?

Be sure to reach out for help if you ever feel yourself overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts.

Stay safe.


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## jlc20m (Dec 31, 2011)

Steve said:


> This is perhaps the most important part of keeping yourself safe. Are you living alone or is there another family member or friend living with you who can help you if you are ever in crisis?
> 
> Be sure to reach out for help if you ever feel yourself overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Stay safe.



Thank you for your support, Steve. To answer your question, I live alone. However, my elderly mother does live near me. I'm an only child. My father died in 1993. My relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) live outside the country. I'm ashamed to admit I have no friends. Because of my DID and (and other) struggles, I've been shunned and abandoned. 

To give you an example, I recently lost a friend of over 10 years duration (she didn't know I was/am DID) when she met a seven-year old child alter by accident. (I was very fragmented due to flashbacks and couldn't control my switching at the time.) She began to avoid me the very next day and then stopped talking to me altogether. This hurt me very much as I was a suppport to her as she struggled with OCD and other things. Anyway, I have some acquaintances from work, but they aren't available to me when I'm in trouble. 

I'm afraid I'll loose my job if they find out about my problems. So, they know absolutely nothing about me except that I'm shy, asthmatic, and prone to migraine headaches. (These are "safe" problems to share.) I'm very alone with my problems. Sometimes, due to blackouts, I get lost in the city. By lost I mean not knowing where I am or how I got there. 

The only person I can call in all this fear and confusion is my T. Sometimes, I've called the police when my T wasn't available. The drawback to this was a trip to the emergency room, even if only for a few hours. My mom knows about me being in treatment for trauma issues, but she can't help me as she's struggling with her own problems. Unless I can't avoid telling her something, I generally try to protect her from my stuff. 

So, basically, I'm alone. I've been extremely suicidal and went to work and talked to people and they didn't know a thing. I hope what I've written here doesn't sound like complaining. It's just my life.

jlc20m et al :noidea: :hide:


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## Retired (Dec 31, 2011)

Is there a crisis line in your community you can call if you are in crisis and cannot contact your therapist?


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## forgetmenot (Dec 31, 2011)

i found it so important to have a number hun just any number you can call that can bring you back you know ground you to the present
   Sometimes i call this number just so i hear a voice one not of the past but the present  and that voice somehow triggers me into know i cannot harm me
   i cannot do that  it brings me back hun   Does that make sense
  Is there such a number you can call  a voice a recording even of your Therapist  voice that will keep you here and now
If you become suicidal  it helps hun  to always have someone you can reach out to ok  stay safe


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## jlc20m (Jan 1, 2012)

Eclipse said:


> i found it so important to have a number hun just any number you can call that can bring you back you know ground you to the present
> Sometimes i call this number just so i hear a voice one not of the past but the present and that voice somehow triggers me into know i cannot harm me
> i cannot do that it brings me back hun Does that make sense
> Is there such a number you can call a voice a recording even of your Therapist voice that will keep you here and now
> If you become suicidal it helps hun to always have someone you can reach out to ok stay safe



Thank you for your post, Eclipse. Yes, I do have my T's number on hand, as well as crisis line numbers. I try not to call my T unless absolutely necessary because I try very hard to respect his boundaries. Regarding a crisis line, I've never called one in my life. No matter how suicidal I feel, I just can't pick up the phone and call a crisis line. It's "almost" impossible for me to ask for help. Even when I was in the hospital, I didn't talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings unless "forced" to do so, i.e., meeting with the Pdoc assigned to me, etc. Part of my abuse was severe shaming, belittling, and ridiculing of my thoughts and feelings. This happened at home (via my borderline mother) and at school (via chronic bullying). I have a lot of fear and anxiety around talking to anyone about what's going on. I basically call my T only when I think I can't control my impulses. Often, someone inside calls T when they are worried, i.e., a protector or helper alter. It's just hard for me to reach out. Even being part of an online community is hard for me. I worry about being rejected or made fun of for what's going with us. Thank you for reading. I don't know why there should be shame because we haven't done anything bad. It's the people that hurt us that should be ashamed. This is my opinion, anyway.

jlc20m "et al"


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## Daniel (Jan 1, 2012)

> I'm sorry for using "we" so much, but there is "some" co-presence in my system.



As there is in everyone else's mind to some degree:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...ed-to-know-about-the-family-in-your-mind.html


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## forgetmenot (Jan 1, 2012)

your worries abt being rejected made fun of  ya i get  that one  i hope you never have to feel those emotions those attacks again hun   With regards to calling for help i know how hard it is to reach out for help but it is necessary okay especially when you are so low  don't fight the urges alone okay   You reach out and you get some help  hugs


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## jlc20m (Jan 1, 2012)

Daniel said:


> As there is in everyone else's mind to some degree:
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...ed-to-know-about-the-family-in-your-mind.html



~TW for SI/Suicide~

Thank you, Daniel, I really appreciate this. Just so you know, my T and I have discussed many times that everyone has "sides" to their personalities, etc. But to clarify, there are times when I'm aware of alters being active inside or behind my eyes. In other words, seeing, hearing, experiencing everything "I" do. This is what I mean by co-presence. Sometimes, when the alter doesn't wish to come out, he/she recedes into the background. If there is pressure for that person to come "out" for whatever reason, i.e., to write in our journal, draw, play, abreact a memory, SI, or even plan a suicide attempt (yes, this has happened), etc., I then switch which results in a blackout and resultant lost time on my part. I hope this makes sense. But, yes, I'm aware of everyone having different sides to their personalities. For example, people are different at work and at home and at their doctor's office, etc. But this isn't DID/MPD, an extreme form of PTSD, where "sides" (which were created out of severe childhood trauma) completely take over a person's thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, and consciousness with their own. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad to see I'm becoming an active participant in this wonderfully supportive forum. Thank you, again...

jlc20m et al :thankyou2: :rolleyes1:


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## Jesse910 (Jan 5, 2012)

it's been a couple of days.  I'm glad that you've had the courage to reach out for help Jlc20m.  I would venture to say that you are not alone in your fears.  A  good many of us have felt as you do now.  I'm sorry that you are experiencing a rough time.   Please know that tough times do not last.  People who keep reaching out last because they hold onto whatever gets them through.  Your therapist is your advocate.  When you cannot make wise decisions for your well-being, they can help.  Trust that wisdom and compassion.  There was a time in my life when I was afraid to trust a therapist I was seeing years ago.  I was in a lot of emotional pain  and unable to trust myself or anyone else for that matter.  I called a crisis hotline and initially called back.  After mustering enough courage, I called back and was able to talk - a little at a time until I could finally  hear myself connecting to another person who would never know me, but who served as an important and necessary lifeline.  Like you, I dealt with childhood bullies and shame.  My mother was unable to be emotionally present or to express affection towards me.  Through hard work and learning to trust a few people, I  am learning that I am a person of intinsic worth and value.  And,s so are you. Continue to reach out. And, contact your therapist.


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