# Cheating Husband



## CraziiRabbit (Feb 28, 2011)

Okay, I already have an array of health problems that I am coping with, but these most recent events have really made me  crazy.  I just can't function every day!  It engulfs my mind and body and it's just so hard to....well, live.  

My husband and I have been married for almost three years.  We have two babies.  

Last January, we were visited by Immigration Officials that said that he would possibly have to go back to his country and gave us a court date of February 15, 2011 to find out if he had to go back or not.  

So we looked at all our options and filled out lots of paperwork that might allow him to stay.  Well in February 2010 I got pregnant.  We weren't trying, but we weren't upset about it either.  He says he wants lots of kids.  

So his parents came to visit from morocco for about 6 months...yeah I know, drove me insane!  (not to say I don't like or even love his parents, but OMG I was SERIOUSLY trying to hold it together)  

So I thought everything was going okay, we own a business together with his brother and his brother's wife.  We had been arguing, b/c sometimes my husband (Yassine) gets into these ruts where all he'll do is play video games, eat, and sleep.  So needlessly to say I was handling the business all by myself.  We would get into arguments about this a lot.  

Also, he was supposed to do the accounting for the business to find out how much we needed to get paid to cover our percentage of the profits.  He wasn't doing this either.  I begged and begged and yelled and demanded, and it still hasn't gotten done.  So we are on an "allowance" of $300 per week until he does this.  You can't imagine our financial struggle with only $300 per week supporting us two, a baby, and his parents.  

His parents spent all their money on buying their kids houses...yeah really upsets me that they were living in our house, eating our food, using the water, gas, electricity, and never felt the need to pitch in, but thats beside the point.

So anyway, our business started to struggle in October, one month before I had my son.  It was a really hard time for us b/c we were working like 16 hour days and struggling with dealing with his parents at home, and I was 9 months pregnant just waiting to have the baby.

His parents decided to take a trip for the whole month of November.  I thought this was great obviously.  But they wanted to take my daughter with them.  She was just over a year old.  I told them repeatedly, NO!  But they never listened and kept insisting to.  Finally, right before they left, I gave in.  Which I regretted the whole month they were gone.  I was so sad that she was gone and I resented them terribly for taking her.  Well, my husband and I got to spend the whole month together, alone.  Something we hadn't done for a long time.  His parents stayed with us 6 months in 2009 too.  I thought everything was great, we had like two arguements the whole month and they weren't even that serious.  

His parents came back, but they were only going to stay for a few days and then go back to Morocco.  As soon as they came back, I went into labor, that was on a Sunday.  The very next day, Monday I was back doing business in the hospital.  (Along with crying and stressing b/c I had just had a baby, I couldn't walk and was being asked to do this and that and take care of the baby, and handle his mom.)  So his parents went home, finally, and my parents came for a weekend.  

I only get to see my parents once a year b/c I live so far from them.  So I really wanted to be able to be happy with them and spend quality time with them.  They arrived on a Friday night.  It was Christmas Eve, now we don't celebrate Christmas.  My mom and I were supposed to go shopping, but everything closed early and we couldn't.  Yassine (my husband) was working until about 8:00PM that night (usual work hours).  So I told my mom that we would go out to dinner once he got home.  So she went back to her hotel room and took a nap with my dad.  Well, it got late and she came over and said that we could go out, but Dad was tired, so he was going to stay in the Hotel Room.  So we waited for Yassine to come home, and waited and waited.  I called him several times, but never got an answer.  He probably showed up around midnight that night.  I had called his brother about 10 to see if maybe he was there, he lives 2 hours away in Gary.  He was there, or so they say.  His brother acted all surprised that I didn't 
Know.  So Yassine got home and i asked why he didn't call or answer the phone or tell me where he was going, all he could say was, "I'm sorry."  So whatever, I didn't really make a big deal out of it, I just told him I was very worried and not to do it again.

So right after my parents left, his sister came to stay for a week.  I like his sister, but I was really getting tired of people living in my house.  We had a good, week.  His sister and I tried to convince Yassine to start helping out around the house, or at least stop making messes, but to no avail.  

Right after his sister left, (I'm talkin like a week) he let his brother come stay with us, without asking me.  I can't say what I would've said.  This brother has caused us so much heartache and trouble in the past, i can't trust him, he does drugs, and for some reason, he owns a house (his parents bought it for him) and he was living in his other brother's house in Gary, and he still needed to come stay with us.  Don't ask b/c I don't know.  The condition of him living with us is that he would have to fix the upstairs plumbing, install our dishwasher that I had been BEGGING for for about 6 months (we had the dishwasher, but first his dad was supposed to install it, but never did, then Yassine was supposed to install it, but never did).  Well it's been about a month and a half, and no upstairs plumbing and no dishwasher...Everytime I bring it up, it starts a fight and I'm the bad guy.

About two weeks before the court date, I find out that for some reason USCIS has messed up our paperwork to look like WE had cancelled the whole thing and that looks bad on us in front of the judge.  So we hurried to hire a lawyer to help us fix the problem.  

Sometime during the week before his court date, we got into a big argument.  Our son was crying and I was getting something out of the car.  As soon as I walked in the house Yassine started to scream for me.  I was like, "I'll be there in a minute!"

He came back with "Why can't you come RIGHT NOW?!"  So I put the stuff down and went upstairs.  Yassine was sitting at his computer playing games and said VERY rudely, "the baby is CRYING!!"  

Of course I was like "Can't you hold him?"  And it escalated to the point where slammed his desk so hard it jammed the keyboard drawer and he started calling me a bad mother and he don't want his kids raised by someone like me anyways.  So I calmy put the baby in the crib int he other room and came back, he wouldn't talk to me b/c of his game, so I unplugged his computer.  He accused me of "spending time with his brother" whom I can't stand and he KNOWS that!  Then we just got into a screaming match, I threw some things and he told me he wanted a divorce, which this was a statement he has said often, just to hurt me.  Last time he said it, I told him the next time I would leave him for good.  Well, he still said it, and he never apologized for it.  Now, normally I am a very calm person.  I had a rough and abusive relationship with my ex husband.  He cheated on me more than 20 times.  I learned patience, but I ran out that night.  So I called my mom and she said it was probably just nerves b/c of his court date.  SO I agreed, but I told her that something told me that he was hiding something, likehe was cheating on me.  But i brushed it off b/c I never thought he would.

The 15th was on a Tuesday, the Sunday before, my husband opens his email account on my computer.  I just happened to glance at it and see this email talking about, "You contacted me a while back and I was wanting to know if you were still interested."  Sparked my attention, I'll tell you what!  So I thought maybe it was just some stupid advertisment, but then there was another, newly in his inbox.  Exactly the same...So I started to dig a little deeper and couldn't find anything else, until I checked his "Sent" folder.  Oh yeah, he thought he was smart by deleting all the evidence, but he never checked the sent folder.  So I found several emails about, "just wanting a good time" and "Just wine dine and have a good time" and the one that hurt me the most was "I don't like to go to museums and stuff like that with my family, but with the right companion, I might."  You can't imagine how I felt.  There are no words.  I came into his office and sat down in a chair behind his desk and tried to say the words.  He finally asked me what was wrong, and I choked out the question, "Have you ever cheated on me?"  Of course his answer was. "No, why?"  

"Because i saw some emails"
"Oh, I get those all the time, just spam."
"No, emails YOU sent."
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"You want me to show you?"
So I did, I showed him, he was quiet for a minute and then said, "Okay, I did send those...But I was going to tell you! Nothing ever happened!"

Hold on a minute, going to tell me?  Excuse me, I might be a headcase, but I'm NOT stupid!!!

So I told him I would need some time to think about it.  That night I called my sister and she told me to leave him, of course.  But we have so much together, we bought a house, and have two businesses, and the kids, and if I left him we would have to cancel his Immigration papers and he would have to go back to Morocco and the kids wouldn't have a dad, and that KILLS me.  So I decided to forgive him.

I did some more digging in his emails and found out that he had lied to me about when it started, when it ended.  It started in September and ended in December, as far as I could tell.  I told him he needed to be COMPLETELY honest with me.  (I just found out in october I had a sexually transmitted disease, which I haven't slept with anybody except my husband for 2 years!)  He still swears nothing physical ever happened.  I really don't believe him but I can't prove it.  I tried to contact the girls he was emailing and texting, but one denied it and the rest didn't answer.

So now it is Feb 28, less than a month since I found out.  He hasn't changed, he stills insists he didn't do anything wrong b/c nothing physical happened.  He still doesn't help with the kids or help with the house.  He is STILL disappearing and not answering the phone, and when I ask him where he was, he just says that he was at the office.  He shows no romantic interest in me.  If I want a kiss or a hug or sex, I have to initiate it.  It really tears me up inside b/c I want to leave him, but I don't.  And I'm scared if I do then he'll sabotage my business leaving me with no income.  He has already stressed to me several times that he wants to send our daughter to Morocco to be with his parents, which honestly makes me want to physically hurt him for even saying it.  All my work and stress and suffering to live and make a life for us is just going down the drain and I'm so scared that once he gains a legal status in the US he is just going to leave me anyways, I feel like maybe he's just "putting up with me" till then.  I cry at night, I am so tense, I sleep so much more than I was, i mean, I feel like I CAN'T wake up.  My work is suffering, I knwo my kids are suffering b/c of it.  My family wants me to leave him but they just don't understand what I have to lose in the process.  

I need some neutral advice on this.


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## CarlaMarie (Feb 28, 2011)

I am sorry. I am exhausted hearing your story. I have been there. What I have to tell you is trust yourself. It is probably true but he is not going to tell you the truth. The next advice I have to share with you from my experience is to find a way to care for you. You deserve it. Find a source of support as you walk this path of discovery. I am glad you shared.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 28, 2011)

I think you're being used and abused. And I think you know this.


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## rdw (Feb 28, 2011)

I think you know the answer but you are afraid to make the decision. Strength and courage to you...


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## Andy (Feb 28, 2011)

Hi CraziiRabbit, 

IMO This has deceit written all over it.  If you have a gut feeling (and some obvious proof) then go with your gut feeling. If you don't trust that then listen to how he speaks to you and treats you. No one deserves that, and especially with children around, they don't deserve that. They can't speak but they can hear and see. 

Well I can try to understand the tough spot your in. IMO the choice is obvious. You have family that have invited you to stay with them so you have a roof over your head and some support. Probably have a lot of help with those babies too. I am not sure what it's like in the US but I think here you have to have legal documents signed by the other parent allowing them to take their children out of country of course that may not be fool proof. 

The decision is yours of course, I would hate to see you stay there and continue to be treated that way, and again your children are picking up on all of it as well. 

Wishing you well CraziiRabbit


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## Yuray (Feb 28, 2011)

> If I want a kiss or a hug or sex, I have to initiate it. It really tears me up inside b/c I want to leave him, but I don't.


Is your need for intimacy so great that you will look for it in someone who can't give it back to you, but can give it to others?

He gave you an STD for a gift.
He obviously has other interests beyond you or the children.
Don't listen to your family, listen to yourself.

You need to extricate yourself from the emotional involvement and look at the facts. Not very promising.
Did he marry you to stay in the country?



> and if I left him we would have to cancel his Immigration papers and he would have to go back to Morocco and the kids wouldn't have a dad, and that KILLS me.


The kids don't need this kind of father.



> He still doesn't help with the kids or help with the house.


and this is the 'father' you want your children to be influenced by?



> I'm so scared that once he gains a legal status in the US he is just going to leave me anyways,


Then what do you have to lose? He's using you and you know it.

The guy is a jerk. He may have touched your heart and soul in some manner, but that shouldn't exonerate his present behaviour.

How do you make change? I don't know, it's your call, but change is needed. You are not a doormat. 
The picture is clear to everyone but you. Denial and hope are poor substitutes for peace of mind.


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