# I'm ok, he says I'm not!



## ok (Dec 8, 2005)

I'm having issues with my DH because he seems to think I'm "settling for less". 

Our lives are really busy and between juggling work, kids, parents and community responsibilities there's not much time left for fun. Infact, we had a child free night the other night and he was raring to go. Me, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and not think about a thing. Now, we could have gone out to dinner, played sport, gone to the movies or a beach, drunk ourselves silly, whatever. 

He comes up with the whole "how do you see people talking about you on your 80th birthday" and "you don't want to regret the wasted years". 

I know it's great that he thinks I'm superwoman and can do anything I choose to do but I'm exhausted just trying to do everything I'm doing right now. I know that means I'm not much fun right now but oneday the kids will be grown up and life will be easier.

A couple of girlfriends have taken Arapax and that's certainly helped them acheive more and made a positive difference to their relationships. I don't think that's the answer for me though - can't I just be me? Do I have to change?

So, any ideas on how to brighten up and show a bit of spark, or how to get him to accept that girls can do anything, but not everything?


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## ok (Dec 8, 2005)

I was just reading about Dysthmia on http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=3445 and certainly suffer from 
(3) low energy or fatigue
(4) low self-esteem
(5) poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
(6) feelings of hopelessness 

but I put them down to: 
(3) always been like that
(4) accurate self awareness
(5) exhaustion
(6) I'm over extended and on a treadmill of life.

as opposed to being mentally ill. I'm also terrified of being classified with something like that because if he leaves (which he says he never will) it'll may make it harder for me to get joint custody. I know that may see like an irrational extrapolation but...!


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## ThatLady (Dec 9, 2005)

Hmmm...are you sure you're low on energy, or do you just have too darned much on your plate, hon? Sometimes, we just bite off more than we can chew and have to back off and analyze the situation to see what we need to remove from our list of "have to do's".

Many times, women find themselves more overextended than men do, because women do the housework, cooking and childcare in addition to working. Is that true in your case? If so, it would explain why he's bubbling with energy and you're ready to collapse.


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## ok (Dec 9, 2005)

Oh, I'm one of the lucky ones. He does his share, doesn't necessarily recognise how much I do, but he does ALOT. I think he just looks at some women who seem be able to juggle all sorts of things and wonders why I'm happy just surviving. I mean - every day is a good day, I get through, most of what I need to do gets done. I'm not fussed that it's mostly pretty dull. You make your choices, you live with it.


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## Eunoia (Dec 9, 2005)

are you "really happy though just surviving" as you call it? why do you have to settle for that? wouldn't you want to live a happy life, with its ups and downs, but not just settling for the next best thing?



> I know that means I'm not much fun right now but one day the kids will be grown up and life will be easier


just imagine...living another 5, 10, 15 yrs of this, waiting for your kids to grow up and things to get better? why wait? I agree that maybe you do have too much on your plate... or maybe just need some help here and there to keep on juggling all your responsibilities...some of those things are your choices though, so just like you said "yes", you can say "no" to some of them... it's kind of a give and take thing, giving in some way makes you feel good but it will take away from your time and energy in general. you have to decide for each thing, which trade off makes the most sense, not just now but also in the long term. kids are supposed to be fun, they _want_ to have fun w/ their parents too, and honestly, in ten years they won't remember all the comittees you were on or the exact jobs you had, but they will remember whether they got to spend time w/ you and whether you seemed to enjoy it... I know you're only trying to do the best for your family, but you also have to do what's best for yourself, which will ultimately have a positive effect on your family if you feel less stressed etc. 

you _can_ be you, I think that's the point. you don't have to put on a smile and some spark to make everyone else happy... _you_ have to be happy w/ things 1st. some people just get caught in the "treadmill of life" as you said... but as you got on that treadmill, you're free to slow it down or get off so to say. being able to accomplish everything you have on your "to do list" every day is part of that rat race. it doesn't necessarily mean things are wonderful, it can also be a way of running away or seeking acknowledgment and approval in those things to make yourself feel better. even if 'life' has always been like this, it's never to late to reevaluate, to change, to make new goals. if you're already thinking what will happen if you're diagnosed as being depressed and how this will affect custody issues, I'd say it's almost like a wake up call... it really does sound like you're exhausted. in the end, what would you rather have? a mother who acknowledges her own limits but also has a lot of strengths or one who seems perfect on the outside but at the end of the day is too exhausted to enjoy life, to enjoy just being?


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## ok (Feb 22, 2006)

Just thought I'd pop in with an update. 

I've just signed up with a counsellor to sort through some of the issues. I've also become more involved in sport and I don't know if it's the time out or the endorphins but something's working. I also haven't been at one of my part time jobs which pays well but I loathe and that helps 

One thing I've realised is that I have this incredibly traditional view of how children should be raised - which is, infact, how I wish I'd been raised - but a personal need for adventure. 

My DH also wants the children to have stability but to have an incredibly eventful upbringing where they are enriched by the people they meet and the experiences they are open to.

Luckily our children are incredibly capable, outgoing personalities who will benefit from being dragged out into the world. We just need to get them to behave occasionally  They're good, but exhausting and the constant conversation on a never ending stream of topics can be heavy going.

So the plan is to have some counselling to work through some issues and to get out and do some things by myself, but also more as a family, to have some fun. We have a big trip planned for later this year and that might be a disaster or it might be great, but either way it won't be dull. My DH had kindof taken over the planning of it and I've asked him not to, but to work with me on it - and I need to take the responsibility for ensuring that he lets me in.

The changes sound so simple, but it's been a tough process getting here.


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## jwfoster32 (Feb 22, 2006)

OK...

I saw this posting and felt the need to confirm your suspicions about endorphins! I have been going through a difficult period lately with my BF and (until recently) constantly depressed and anxious. I went two months without going to the gym. Recently I started back up. I cannot believe the differnce mentally and physically. My approach to issues has changed. I am not always sulking. I have a TON of energy.

I apologize in advance todigresing to what follows, but it comes to mind none the less. Do you recall the movie "Legally Blond" (with Reese Witherspoon)? They were defending a suspected murderer. Reese's character stated there is no way she could have done it, because she was an Aerobics Guru. "People who workout are HAPPY because of the endorphins -- happy people don't kill others...she couldn't have done it!" While YES, the source of the comment is questionable...the validity is a solid one, that I fully subscribe to.

Keep the workouts and sports going!!

Jeff


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