# Advice...



## laryp2003 (Oct 21, 2004)

I hopw you can help me with my problem. I am latinamerican, living in north europe since 3 years ago when I married someone from this country. It has been very difficult to integrate, no job so far and suffer discrimination every day. After 3 years I find myself depressed and then another woman shows up in the life of my husband. He is 40, a very quiet man, spends a lot of time online and it started as a chat. She is 25, a coworker . They started the long chats (3 to 5 hours a day) when she was on vacation, but kept doing it after she was back every night and weekends. My husband didn't want to go out anymore on sundays because he would miss the chances to chat...obviously we communicated less. One day I made a remark about too long chats and he got very angry, violent but reacted against things not against me. Then he started telephone talks and checking his company email all the time, and SMS messages. Or he was hiding to send SMS (even from the toilet) or he was checking company email. Then I saw in his mail that in a time of 30 minutes they were exchanging something like 30 emails... teenager things like come and I will kiss you, I will hold you in my arms, I need to hug you... I told him and he said it was a very special friendship (but he also told many times that pure friendship between a man and a woman can't exist) but nothing that could damage our marriage. And he said she is the only friend he has and no matter what he would not leave her. Once he even said that if he would leave that relation then he would also leave his job so I would be happy (very childish reaction). Then he said it would change but stays the same. A week ago we went to his firm's party and I saw her with her boyfriend (they live together), they almost ignore each other. Her boyfriend was abused by his own brother when he was very young and he has a lot of problems, never got help. My husband and her seem to want to be close all the time and she is trying even to have my husband and her boyfriend play games together in the internet. I took therapy in my country and I think this is a sick neurotic attitude from the 2 of them. My husband and I fight now everyday or other day, of course because I don't accept it. Before we never had fights...not even one in the 5 years before (of which 3 years married). I left the house once and the day he asked e to come back, he esters the house and he gets a message from her. I felt so stupid... A is a teeneagers'flirt...she wrote him yesterday a mail aying that she would have the chat on so they could exchange love words. It makes me sick, I've lost a lot of weight (6 kilos in a month), I don't trust my husband any more and I see our relation as the worse choice I've taken. Yesterday I saw a mail from her where she tells him (about a fight we had) that it is time to buy me a ticket and send me back to my country. I am so angry... whos is this stupid woman to rule MY life? my husband says that nothing is going on. Actually he even suggested that her influence would be very good for me... I am just crazy and she is so great that she even understands my position and I should almost be grateful!!! He wants me and her to be friends. They seldom go out , he comes home in time and tries to act normal but can't help to be without contact with her. He wakes up at 4:30 and the first thing he does is to run to check his company email and I believe they start the chat at that time...then they meet in the office, mail all the time, chat and SMS and then when he comes home he is lloking for a chance to check his mail, and she goes shortly online at certain times I believe just to ëxchange love words" and the last thing before going to bed is to check email too. My husband is convinced that his attitude doesn't damage our relation and he gets angry (very angry, almost agressive) at me when I tell him something. He says they just kissed a couple of times and he keeps coming home in time, actually earlier, he keeps doing the same things like cooking for us , kissing me and hugging me when he is asleep and he says that with her there is no sex involved so it can't damage the relation. This life is a torture...I suggested to go to therapy together but he gets angry also. I know that we have problems in the relation, I know he has problems and I have them too but if we agree to solve them I would continue with him. He has been a very quiet man and the first relation he had ended in suicide from the girl. The second was a woman who took advantage of him in many ways and the trird is me. I understandthat he has to face some things but the problem is that he sees it as normal...not as a problem. My psychologist in my country told me to ignore it and try to convince him to go to therapy but I can't do any of the 2 things. Every day I face this and I feel ignored, humilliated, sad... If I had known of this I wouldn't have got married. He keeps telling that he loves me and that he told her that "no matter what"he will never leave me. I would like to save my marriage if we admit that there are problems and that we have to solve...I would work on it and try to trust and to love again but he is not giving me any chances. What can I do? I just want to feel better, focus in myself and try to leave this depression behind and I hope I can let him go on with his affair without feeling more hurt...but seems impossible to me. I even had some stupid ideas od furting myself and I have headaches all the time plus a bad feeling in the stomach that comes with shaking and a feeling of anguish. Sometimes I cry for hours and others I can't cry. I am looking for my own affair, almost got it...and it's only to feel that I have control again. We have tickets to go to my country in December and I am thinking of not coming back. Could you tell me what you think? Thanks


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## jubjub (Oct 21, 2004)

Welcome, laryp2003!  I am at work right now and I don't usually respond to anyone at this site from here, but I am making an exception this time.

I am so saddened to hear what has been going on in your life.  You are living in misery, and by the sounds of things it will continue to be that way unless you do something major about it.

I am not a doctor of any kind at all, so anything that follows here is just my personal opinion, okay?

First of all, what kind of idiot psychologist would tell you to IGNORE your situation when it is affecting your life in such a negative way? I really got steamed when I read that!

It sounds to me like maybe you are afraid of being alone in the country where you now reside.  I know what that is like because I lived over 6 years in Trinidad with an uncaring, unloving husband.  I felt SO alone! There was quite a bit of hostility towards me also because he is of Indian background and I am caucasian. I come from a broken home so there were not many in the way of beloved family members back home to pine for, but I did feel incredibly isolated.  I was happy to read that at least you will be visiting your homeland in December.

A man who cares about his wife would definitely NOT behave the way your husband is behaving.  As long as you accept the situation, he will carry on with what he is doing.  The way you describe the situation, he sounds very much like he is addicted to this behaviour.  Why would he want to give it up when he can have his addiction to this woman and the internet and have you (albeit reluctantly on your part) as well?  He seems to crave attention all the time and both you and this other woman are giving it to him.  You are not happy with the situation, but you are certainly still PAYING attention to him, and it is hurting you emotionally very much.  I can feel your misery in your words.  

You write that you are becoming physically ill and having thoughts of hurting yourself.  It is time right now to start thinking of yourself, your health and your future. This is likely the reason you found this site, because you are looking for positive answers.  If you don't make some kind of positive move, for sure nothing at all is going to change.  How long has all this been going on already?  Quite some time......

Other members who are qualified to counsel in this type of situation will be around shortly.  I just wanted you to know that I have read your post and I'm sure I'll have more to say later on this evening.

Keep checking back here.  You will get lots of good advice!


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 21, 2004)

I think you've already got "lots of good advice" from jubjub.

Your husband is infatuated with this young woman and, even without sex, is having an affair with her. He can try to rationalize that any way he wants but it is an affair, and of course it *does* affect your relationship: How could it _not_ affect your relationship.

I also agree with jubjub's comment about your psychologist -- if he or she can give you that advice, he or she either isn't listening or is just plain incompetent -- that advice is both stupid and pointless.

You have a tough decision to make: (1) ride it out and hope he gets over this silly infatuation, or (2) give him an ultimatum of go to counselling or end the marriage, or (3) give him an ultimatum of giving her up o giving you up.

Whatever you decide to do, though, I would strongly suggest that you find a counsellor to talk to yourself -- to give you advice about how to cope with the situation and your feelings and to tell you about other resources available to you near your current residence.


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## laryp2003 (Oct 21, 2004)

Thanks jubjub and David... I think I knew from the very beginning that there are decistions to be made but I beleieve my low self-confidence is not helping me now. I want to move on and yes, I have been looking for the right advice in many places but this one seemed to be one of the msot serious. I am getting strenght from your words and hope to be feeling better soon.

Thanks to both for your time and attention.
I feel less confused already.


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## jubjub (Oct 21, 2004)

Keep checking back, because there are lots of helpful people to hear from yet! I'm glad we seem to be making a positive difference already.  It's so hard when there is no one to talk to about serious situations.  That's what brought me to this site originally.


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 21, 2004)

Please find someone to talk to for you. You deserve to feel better and to have peace and happiness.


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## sammy (Oct 21, 2004)

It is an affair already, as David said  even though it is mainly Internet..

My heart goes out to you.... let us know how things go if you can...


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