# Effects of depression on relationships



## Into The Light (Sep 21, 2006)

i was just wondering if there any books out there that are recommended that discuss the impact of depression on family life, on the relationship with your spouse/life partner, and how to overcome and heal from that impact?


----------



## Halo (Sep 21, 2006)

BBC

Did you click on the Books Tab at the top of the page right beside where it says New Posts on this page.  I don't know if it has anything that you might be looking for but it is worth a look.  Also, try going to Amazon and seeing what they might have is probably a good start also.  They usually have some good things.

Others might have some specific references but I don't...sorry.

Good luck with your search


----------



## Retired (Sep 21, 2006)

BBC,

Your query is one worth researching and would provide helpful resources to a lot of people.

I did a search on Amazon using the keywords "depression family" and came up with some interesting possibilities.

See if http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/002-8553231-0367243?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=depression+family&Go.x=0&Go.y=0  works for you.


----------



## Daniel (Sep 22, 2006)

The book "Nothing to Hide: Mental Illness in the Family" has pictures and a short profile of 44 families, each of which has a member with mental illness.  It is not a self-help book but may be worth sampling.

A 4-page sample of the book:

http://www.familydiv.org/docs/article_bp.pdf  (PDF file)

The book is based on a traveling exhibit of the same name:

http://www.familydiv.org/nothingtohide.php


----------



## Daniel (Sep 22, 2006)

Correction:  The book I mentioned, Nothing to Hide, has "in-depth interviews" not short profiles.


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 22, 2006)

one of the book titles i came across led me to a website www.depressionfallout.com. this site gives an interesting list of unofficial symptoms, which were confirmed to me to be quite accurate. i was a little shocked, as i never was able to see my behaviour through the eyes of those close to me.



> Dealing with depression fallout requires first and foremost an   understanding that your depression sufferer has a common, treatable   illness, and that its symptoms include the following. In the right-hand column   are the ones doctors use to diagnose depression. In the left-hand   column are the unofficial, but nonetheless real-life, symptoms that you   observe, especially when you are alone together.
> 
> UNOFFICIAL SYMPTOMS
> self-absorbed, selfish, unaware or unconcerned about the needs of             others
> ...


----------



## Daniel (Sep 22, 2006)

Regarding romantic relationships, this book may be relevant even though it is not directly about depression:

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You


----------



## Daniel (Sep 22, 2006)

Frankly, some of those unofficial, possible symptoms ("selfish, unaware or unconcerned about the needs of others") best describe someone who is addicted to crack and willing to steal for their next high.   Most people with depression are not narcissistic.


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 22, 2006)

i find that particular one to have been true for me. i didn't care about others' needs or feelings when normally i should and would have. it was all about me.


----------



## Daniel (Sep 22, 2006)

> i didn't care about others' needs or feelings when normally i should and would have. it was all about me.



Maybe that's the problem with unofficial, non-clinical symptoms -- they don't differentiate between the conscious-free killer that tortures animals and the guy/girl that is so depressed that he/she can only think about the depression.    There's also the risk of existing stigmas being used to label what is "selfish" and what isn't selfish.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 22, 2006)

I agree, Daniel. There is certainly a high degree of (negative) self-focus in depression which is part of the condition or syndrome, but that's a far cry from selfishness or narcissism.


----------



## Retired (Sep 22, 2006)

In a couple of cases among my friends where one spouse was clinically depressed, the relationships became strained even though the other spouse was supportive and loving.

In one case the other spouse eventually developed clinical depression.  Happily after extensive therapy, both are healthy now.

What is it about the illness of depression that can sometimes severely damage a marital relationship, despite the best intentions of a supportive spouse?


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 22, 2006)

The withdrawal, the extreme self-focus, the anhedonia, and the inability to either reach out to the partner or provide emotional support to the partner.

As I always say to spouses and families of depressed clients, it's no picnic suffering from depression but it's no picnic living with someone who is depressed either. I especially point that out to clients who are depressed and don't want to take medication - it's not just you that you have to worry about - it's also the people who love you - if you won't do it for you, do it for them.


----------



## ThatLady (Sep 22, 2006)

Since the first, explanatory, paragraph talked about the Unofficial Symptoms as being those that "you" (I took this to mean the non-depressed partner) _observe_, I'm wondering if they don't mean that the symptoms mentioned are what the non-depressed person perceives, as opposed to what the depressed person is actually feeling.

If a person is deeply depressed, it could seem to another person who didn't understand depression that the depressed individual is selfish, uncommunicative and manipulative. The non-depressed person has no clue what's really going on in the mind of someone who is depressed. All they can do is surmise, based on what they see.

At least, that's how I took it.


----------



## Halo (Sep 22, 2006)

David Baxter said:


> I especially point that out to clients who are depressed and don't want to take medication - it's not just you that you have to worry about - it's also the people who love you - if you won't do it for you, do it for them.



Good Point Dr. B.  I never thought of taking medication that way.....not just for me but for my family as well.

Thanks


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 22, 2006)

TL said:
			
		

> Since the first, explanatory, paragraph talked about the Unofficial Symptoms as being those that "you" (I took this to mean the non-depressed partner) observe, I'm wondering if they don't mean that the symptoms mentioned are what the non-depressed person perceives, as opposed to what the depressed person is actually feeling.



Good point. Makes sense if that was what was meant.


----------



## ThatLady (Sep 22, 2006)

That really is a very important point, Nancy. Thanks for bringing it up, David!


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 22, 2006)

thatlady i think that is exactly it. the page was written for the non-depressed partner. i showed it to my husband and he said it all pretty much summed up what it was he saw. he just couldn't understand what was going on with me. i didn't even see anything was wrong myself, all i knew was that i was miserable.


----------



## ThatLady (Sep 22, 2006)

I can relate to your husband's feelings, bbc. My daughter's teens were pretty awful, and she seemed to be all the things that are mentioned in the unofficial list. I put it off to the egocentricity and self-focus that is normal in teenagers. Unfortunately, doing so allowed her depression to grow worse, resulting in a suicide attempt. It wasn't until that happened that I woke up to reality. It wasn't because I didn't care, but because I didn't understand.


----------



## Daniel (Sep 22, 2006)

The "Depression Fallout" book recommends that the non-depressed person be more selfish, which I would agree is a good way to avoid compassion fatigue.  But it just seems a little inconsistent (though very understandable) that they list "selfish" as a symptom of depression and then tell the non-depressed person to be more selfish.   The advice is good, but I would prefer a more optimistic way of presenting the material.


----------



## Daniel (Sep 23, 2006)

A negative review of the book "Depression Fallout" at Amazon.com:



> The book treats the depressed person as the "other". It is not supportive or encouraging. The entire book is about how their depression will hurt you and how their depression will ruin your life. It is all about the non-depressed person "protecting" himself. This book is not at all helpful for a couple or family facing depression together. The book What To Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed: A Practical, Compassionate, and Helpful Guide is much better; much more supportive, and much less scary. I can easily see how this book would freak out a loved one facing a family member's depression.


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 23, 2006)

yes, i saw this review as well. i guess this means to take the website and the book with a grain of salt. i am still looking for information on this subject if anyone happens to come across it.


----------

