# Not feeling so well



## haunting (Jan 4, 2005)

I am really down today. I could not go to the doctors today as my son was ill. He had a headache for the most part of the day. But he was feeling better tonight (and was behaving terribly).

Tears keep creaping up on me and thoughts racing through wishing for and end. I am swelling alot, and bloated. My ankles, hands, and tummy are all puffing out and just looking at myself tonight makes me sick. I was okay for a short time but feeling like "what's the point?" I can feel alright for a few days but then this suicidal wish comes back. I hate dealing with these urges of self harm, which death seems so much better right now. 

I feel lost again. So sad inside that I would give anything to take this away. Then I won't be lost anymore. I would not have to feel anymore. And the pain all over my body would cease to exsist. I am tired. Let me hide away in some kind of world where I can't remember, can't feel, can't hurt. I want to go............

Haunting


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 4, 2005)

I'm so sorry you're feeling down again. Did you make another appointment to see your doctor? Please try to get in as soon as possible.

Just think, you made it through that day you thought you couldn't make it through. 

I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I can relate to a lot of what you're saying and I know it's hard.


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## ThatLady (Jan 4, 2005)

Oh, haunting, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. Sorry your son was ill, as well. 

What's with all the swelling, hon? Have you seen a doctor about it? Is it something that has happened before, or is this something new? Whatever it is, it just ain't right, sugar!

I'm also interested, like janet, in whether or not you made another appointment and how soon you're going to be able to get some help for yourself. You're important, too, sweetie and, sometimes, we must focus on ourselves before we're able to focus effectively on others.


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## cm (Jan 4, 2005)

haunting, I felt bad for you when I read your posting and I want to help you too.  Your symptoms sound like they need medical attention asap.  Could you and your kids go to the emerg. or doctors together today or tomorrow?  When I was feeling sick it was extremely difficult to try and parent at the same time.  I had to look around the community to find someone who could help.  I phoned around  alot of community services and doctors.  We finally got some help at a walk in medical clinic. Please keep in touch with all of us.  We really care about you.


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## haunting (Jan 4, 2005)

Oh God, my heart is aching so much. I have been sitting here crying and singing. Sounds stupid but I love to sing. In between comes the tears.

My jeans would not fit today, I am so swollen. I blew up on my bf and its not his fault. I feel so bad now. I am so terrible, I don't deserve any love at all. The swelling is most likely from laxatives. Over use can cause this. My kidneys are probably hating me, which could explain some of the pain.

I woke up with this pain in my legs, I wanted to cut them off. I got the kids ready then went back to sleep till noon. My bf took them to school for me. 

So I a here, listening to music and singing. Maybe I will feel better. I have always wanted to compose a CD. I don't think my voice is good enough though. So here is useless me. Sorry for the "pity pot" I am on. I just feel so horrible I don't see anything but black. Where I should be---that's what I have been told, so be it. No point in going to see a doctor. They would probably lock me away. Maybe I should let them and I can stay there forever. Maybe I can just become totally numb. Would be better than this. The physical pain has become horrific today, but I would rather this punishment to what I deserve then this depressed waste of life. 

Sorry everyone. I know you were all counting on me. How can one pull for someone when they can't do it for themselves. How can I fight for someone who is not worth fighting for? I hate me.

Haunting


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 4, 2005)

I wish I could think of something helpful to say. You ARE worth fighting for.


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## ThatLady (Jan 5, 2005)

You're very much worth fighting for, Haunting. If you don't consider yourself worth the fight, then put up the fight for those of us who do....like me. If you can't love yourself for yourself, then love yourself for us until you can.


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## haunting (Jan 5, 2005)

I wish I could give that much but right now I just can't. I won't ever love myself. I am lost for words right now, sorry. I just want to be alone, completely alone.

Haunting.


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## cm (Jan 5, 2005)

Believe me, lots of us understand something of where you're at right now.


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## cm (Jan 5, 2005)

It seems to me that no matter HOW ROTTEN with think we are, there are people who still love us despite that, and they will always love us, no matter what, including our kids.


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