# Not caring



## Cat Dancer (Oct 28, 2004)

How do you get to a point where you just don't care about anything anymore?

That would be so much better than so much pain and overwhelming fear of things that I can't fix and can't make right.


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## lammers1980 (Oct 28, 2004)

I don't think you really want to go there Janet.  I believe that the best option is to try to change your situation in life, then persue the some sort of therapy and possibly medication.  What it sounds like you want to do is just bury the pain.  This seems dangerous to me because this desire often leads to substance abuse.  Please don't take that route, because I did and it did nothing to help my problems.  Sure, when I was stoned and drunk I didn't care about my problems, and wasn't particularly worried about anything, it cost me my friends and my university education, which in my current situation, would be very difficult to get back into.

I do believe there was very sound advice in some other threads.  Until you decide to change your situation, it seem more than likely you will not be able to heal.


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 28, 2004)

"I do believe there was very sound advice in some other threads. Until you decide to change your situation, it seem more than likely you will not be able to heal."

This is true.

I know it's true. I don't know why it's so hard and there are other things that I can't deal with. 

My strong, wonderful aunt is dying of brain cancer. We found out last week. They've given her six months and I'm sitting here thinking about myself and my problems that don't really matter. I don't want it to be true. It feels like a bad dream. I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up and remember it and I don't want to stay awake because it hurts too much to be awake. I'm just tired of all the pain in the world. I don't want to die to make it go away. I just want not to care. It seems that would be easier. Nothing makes the pain stop. I know there's always pain no matter what, but it would be nice to have some relief from it for awhile. 

I have tried and tried not to care, but I just can't NOT care. Sometimes I think people die because I love them and if I didn't love them and care about them they wouldn't die. I know it's not accurate, but I think it anyway. 

I'm just not good at dealing with anything. I don't know how to help anyone.


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## Daniel (Oct 28, 2004)

Of course, it is possible for at least some people to remain calm in very negative situations while staying compassionate.   This is probably best exemplified by the professionals who work at hospices.    Personally, I find it difficult to stay calm unless there is something I can do to keep my mind occupied.   

I highly recommend therapy with or without medications. Since life is not all roses, cognitive behavior therapy, as you probably know, helps you process your thinking and can make it easier to make big decisions. It can be like a tune-up for your brain.

Regarding death of loved ones, there are obviously many philosophies and religions about accepting death.  These include Ancient Greek philosophy, Buddhism, Christianity, and all other forms of religion and spirituality.  There are also a ton of self-help books, of course, regarding death, such as those by the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:



> One of the most important psychological studies of the late twentieth century, _On Death and Dying_ grew out of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's famous interdisciplinary seminar on death, life, and transition. In this remarkable book, Dr. Kubler-Ross first explored the now-famous five stages of death: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Through sample interviews and conversations, she gives the reader a better understanding of how imminent death affects the patient, the professionals who serve that patient, and the patient's family, bringing hope to all who are involved.
> On Death and Dying: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross + Free Shipping


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 28, 2004)

Therapy is just not possible right now. 

I shouldn't even post these things I guess.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 28, 2004)

janetr said:
			
		

> I shouldn't even post these things I guess.


No, please don't feel that way, Janet. Posting your thoughts and concerns here may not be a magical cure but as I think you have discovered it can be helpful.

Daniel probably hasn't read some of your previous posts but I'm sure he was trying to be helpful.

See your private messages...


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## Freezing_heart_of_fire (Oct 28, 2004)

It isn't your fault that the things you mentioned going on right now are happening, nor is there much you can do to help the situations of other's.  As much as we don't want to admit it, we really only have control over our lives.  Our emotions, our reactions, everything for us is in our hands...we can help to guide other people, but we can't make things magically better.  

It's never fair when we have to lose someone we love.  The shock of having to know someone is passing is almost worse than them dying one night without any warning...but we cannot change the way in which we recieve the information about death.  We can, however, choose for ourselves how we react to the situations.  I am sure that your aunt would love to hear from you, get cards, be able to smile and even just listen to your voice if she has enough health.  Sometimes sharing love can make you feel bad knowing that it won't be there sometime in the near future, but at the same time, if we didn't have the feeling of loss, we wouldn't know how great it is to have things.  

Robbing yourself of being able to care would be horrible...so thankfully there is no sure way to do that (which I am aware of).  All humans have emotions, we all know what it feels like to see, smell, hear, experience things, wish we had not experience things...how deep we take this is what creates confusion at times.  I'm at a loss myself at this point in the same respect.  Caring has gotten me into many places I wish I wasn't in, but at the same time know it would be worse torture to have to sit back and not do anything about the situations at hand.  Imagine what it would be like to turn into a fly and watch the people you love.  You couldn't talk to them, they couldn't acknowledge you...all you could do was stand by and watch things.  I know that is stretching it, and if you would want to help, you would still have feelings, but if you were to be a person with no feelings, that is all you would be missing.  By caring, it means you have a good heart.  It means that you are subject to more hurt than other's.  It means that you are capable of more hurt, yet more love.

I doubt I have been of any help as most of my post was rambling, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm around.


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## ThatLady (Dec 24, 2004)

Ahh, Janet, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will erase the pain you feel. However, it might help just a bit to realize that your aunt's work here was done. She has stepped ahead to a place you cannot follow. With her, she takes your love and the memories of all the good times.  When you see it in that light, you realize that while she is not here with you in body, she will always be with you in spirit. 

Cry for your loss, Janet. Let the tears flow. Then, when they're spent, smile and wish your aunt safe passage on her journey. I believe she'll hear you.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 24, 2004)

Thank you so much. 
She died last night. They'd given her six months at first and then it was four and I just thought we'd have more time with her. I had plans to go visit again and again and now she's gone. She was such a good person. I wish it was me instead.


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## ThatLady (Dec 24, 2004)

No, sweetie. You don't wish it was you. You just wish it hadn't happened, just as we all do when someone we care about passes on. We've lost something dear to us, and we grieve that loss.

Yet, if we stop and think about it, what would that person that we loved so, and lost, want for us? What would they like to see us do? These are things we can look at once the first blaze of grief passes. They can serve as guidelines for us on the paths we need to take.

Your aunt is still with you, Janet. Cherish that.


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## Nutmeg (Dec 25, 2004)

janetr,

I'm very sorry about your aunt. In every family people die and it's no one's fault. My husband loved his mother more than anything and it didn't prevent her death.......life and death are part of the human cycle. Please don't take on this responsibility. Your aunt wouldn't want you to. I am an aunt and I wouldn't want my nieces to suffer on my behalf. I would hope that they'd keep going and have a nice life.

take care of yourself,

nutmeg


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 26, 2004)

Thanks you all. I just wish I had done more for her. I thought we had more time. Tonight they're having an evening service. I may get to go. Tomorrow is her funeral, but I won't have transportation for that. I guess I'm not really thinking straight about all this.


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## ThatLady (Dec 26, 2004)

Whenever we lose someone we love, we always wish we could have done more. It's human nature to think in that manner. What we fail to realize is that the love we gave was enough.


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