# Don't know what to do (TRIG)



## Cin (Jun 16, 2005)

Im a student and my mum is in quite bad debt, ive been helping her out partially for a while now, expect we don't get on at all, and to be honest she is contributing to my self worth. Ive been thinking of moving out for a while now and have mentioned it to her; and her reponse being she doesnt want to know because she disagrees with it because i can't handle life yet. Ive told her again this year and shes sort of accepted it. This morning shes just told me i need to "keep us afloat" for another two years. To be honest i wouldnt mind if i was stronger and wasnt getting worse at the momment. Ive been getting suicidal and been self harming more in the past week, before i was told this. I dont know if i should be feeling trapped or not, or whether it is  right for me to be upset or not. I have no idea.i don't know what i should be feeling, thinking or doing at this momment. I don't know what to tell her or to tell myself. Im just loosing my focus here.


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## Cin (Jun 16, 2005)

Im a student and my mum is in quite bad debt, ive been helping her out partially for a while now, expect we don't get on at all, and to be honest she is contributing to my self worth. Ive been thinking of moving out for a while now and have mentioned it to her; and her reponse being she doesnt want to know because she disagrees with it because i can't handle life yet. Ive told her again this year and shes sort of accepted it. This morning shes just told me i need to "keep us afloat" for another two years. To be honest i wouldnt mind if i was stronger and wasnt getting worse at the momment. Ive been getting suicidal and been self harming more in the past week, before i was told this. I dont know if i should be feeling trapped or not, or whether it is  right for me to be upset or not. I have no idea.i don't know what i should be feeling, thinking or doing at this momment. I don't know what to tell her or to tell myself. Im just loosing my focus here.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 16, 2005)

Cin, I really think you should try to find a counselor locally to help you to set boundaries with your mother. From what you have described here and elsewhere, I get the sense that your mother wants to continue to make you feel dependent on her and when that doesn't seem to be working reverses it to convince you that she is dependent on you -- either way, she is having trouble letting go and letting you move on in your life in any independent way.

It's hard to say how much of what she tells you about her situation or needs are true but it's probably incorrect to say that there aren't other resources for her to draw upon (that's part of the reason for finding a local counselor who can advise you of where your mother can find help if she is in financial difficulty, etc.). And regardless of that issue, there is the issue of your emotional health -- as your mother, she should not be asking you to risk your psychological well-being in this way.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 16, 2005)

Cin, I really think you should try to find a counselor locally to help you to set boundaries with your mother. From what you have described here and elsewhere, I get the sense that your mother wants to continue to make you feel dependent on her and when that doesn't seem to be working reverses it to convince you that she is dependent on you -- either way, she is having trouble letting go and letting you move on in your life in any independent way.

It's hard to say how much of what she tells you about her situation or needs are true but it's probably incorrect to say that there aren't other resources for her to draw upon (that's part of the reason for finding a local counselor who can advise you of where your mother can find help if she is in financial difficulty, etc.). And regardless of that issue, there is the issue of your emotional health -- as your mother, she should not be asking you to risk your psychological well-being in this way.


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## Sylvia (Jun 16, 2005)

is not right of your mother to be dragging it down in such a way. it is important to notice your self-worth as an individual.  It is okay to feel confused...clear your mind and give yourself time to think things over.   Writing out your feelings might help.  You could possibly write a letter to your mother telling her how you feel but you don't have to give it to her.  Just let out your feelings and emotions in a constructive way be it angry or sad. takeout your negative  failings out on an inanimate object instead of taking it out on yourself through cutting.  I know that's a hard thing to do but it's worth a try!  Try giving yourself some other kind of release to calm you  down before you resort to hurting yourself. is that right now you need the support of others instead of feeling responsible for your mother's responsibility. the best way for for you to get help is to see a counselor. a counselor can help you to deal with the issues you have with your mother as well as your suicidal feelings and self injury.   Doing this will take courage and may be difficult at first but I can tell you that it is truly worth it!  I sense that you are a very strong person and I admire that . seek out help and with time your quality of life will improve. I wish you the best of luck with everything...hang in there you can make it!

~ Sylvia


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## Sylvia (Jun 16, 2005)

is not right of your mother to be dragging it down in such a way. it is important to notice your self-worth as an individual.  It is okay to feel confused...clear your mind and give yourself time to think things over.   Writing out your feelings might help.  You could possibly write a letter to your mother telling her how you feel but you don't have to give it to her.  Just let out your feelings and emotions in a constructive way be it angry or sad. takeout your negative  failings out on an inanimate object instead of taking it out on yourself through cutting.  I know that's a hard thing to do but it's worth a try!  Try giving yourself some other kind of release to calm you  down before you resort to hurting yourself. is that right now you need the support of others instead of feeling responsible for your mother's responsibility. the best way for for you to get help is to see a counselor. a counselor can help you to deal with the issues you have with your mother as well as your suicidal feelings and self injury.   Doing this will take courage and may be difficult at first but I can tell you that it is truly worth it!  I sense that you are a very strong person and I admire that . seek out help and with time your quality of life will improve. I wish you the best of luck with everything...hang in there you can make it!

~ Sylvia


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## Cin (Jun 17, 2005)

Thank you both for your replies....I spoke to her last nightand tried to explain myself the best i could to her. She said to me that the reason why she didnt want to know the last time i told her was because i would be leaving her in a "mess" and "when" i come back she would obviously not be happy, because i left her struggling. I did ask. what makes me think i would come back or fall apart, and she just replieed "i just know".
David - The thing is she already has gone through everybody else before comming to me; friends, (family are not very willing for some reason or cant), (banks she is stuck wth and cannot take money out. she has attempted to rearrange her payments - this doesnt seem to be working). So i seem to be left. She acknoleges my illness, but only as far as it being a word!  Iam actually too scared to explain to her (or try to) that im getting worse and living at home is not helping, because i have no idea what the consequences of that are.
I have also suggested to her this morning in passing about me moving out and living on our student loans the goverment give me per yr. Because it would rise if i was living out. And i could give my pay to her. Shes told me to work it out with a calculator before i come bringing anything to her.

Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers. Its just confusing when i want to help,  but feel i can't, then told i can, but want to move out.
I apologise for my previous post i was in a bit of a muddle : s

Thanks again for your replies, i really really appreciate you taking your time to read this and advise me.


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## Cin (Jun 17, 2005)

Thank you both for your replies....I spoke to her last nightand tried to explain myself the best i could to her. She said to me that the reason why she didnt want to know the last time i told her was because i would be leaving her in a "mess" and "when" i come back she would obviously not be happy, because i left her struggling. I did ask. what makes me think i would come back or fall apart, and she just replieed "i just know".
David - The thing is she already has gone through everybody else before comming to me; friends, (family are not very willing for some reason or cant), (banks she is stuck wth and cannot take money out. she has attempted to rearrange her payments - this doesnt seem to be working). So i seem to be left. She acknoleges my illness, but only as far as it being a word!  Iam actually too scared to explain to her (or try to) that im getting worse and living at home is not helping, because i have no idea what the consequences of that are.
I have also suggested to her this morning in passing about me moving out and living on our student loans the goverment give me per yr. Because it would rise if i was living out. And i could give my pay to her. Shes told me to work it out with a calculator before i come bringing anything to her.

Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers. Its just confusing when i want to help,  but feel i can't, then told i can, but want to move out.
I apologise for my previous post i was in a bit of a muddle : s

Thanks again for your replies, i really really appreciate you taking your time to read this and advise me.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 17, 2005)

> Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers.


That's really the bottom line, isn't it?

I think that needs to be your starting point: Move out and then figure out what you are able to do to help your mom and what she can do to help yourself. It seems that she is starting from the other end, with the assumption that you sinply can't move out. It also sounds as though in her reply to you about "work[ing] it out with a calculator before [you] come bringing anything to her" she is again placing the responsibility on your shloulders while at the same time reserving for herself the right to make decisions for you -- that's not right, in my opinion. Ultimately, what we are talking about here is YOUR decision about where to live and HER problem about how to figure out her finances.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 17, 2005)

> Iam slowly beginng to realise that i do need to get out this atmosphere, for my sanity, and probably for hers.


That's really the bottom line, isn't it?

I think that needs to be your starting point: Move out and then figure out what you are able to do to help your mom and what she can do to help yourself. It seems that she is starting from the other end, with the assumption that you sinply can't move out. It also sounds as though in her reply to you about "work[ing] it out with a calculator before [you] come bringing anything to her" she is again placing the responsibility on your shloulders while at the same time reserving for herself the right to make decisions for you -- that's not right, in my opinion. Ultimately, what we are talking about here is YOUR decision about where to live and HER problem about how to figure out her finances.


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## Lana (Jun 17, 2005)

Hi Cin;
Once upon a time I had a mother that exhibited similar behaviour to yours.  I don’t want to go into too many details (or I’d write a book) but she would take perverse pleasure in making me feel incapable, unlovable, and worthless.  When I attempted to leave, she’d resort to emotional blackmail (among other things) and guilt or threaten me into staying and/or coming back.  I knew, with every fibre of my being, that it was the wrong thing to do, but gave in every time.   Eventually, I had to sever any ties to her just to stay sane.  Simply put, our relationship was toxic.

When I left, the guilt was so deeply ingrained that I habitually took it upon myself to tell myself things she used to say.  When someone repeatedly tells you things, eventually you begin to believe it.  And I believed in all the crap that she fed me over the years.  I went into therapy.  And while it was the hardest work I ever did, and continue to do, I haven’t regretted a thing.

Sometimes, putting yourself and your well being first must be a priority.  You are important, you are strong, you are worthy and deserving of living life on your own terms.


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## Lana (Jun 17, 2005)

Hi Cin;
Once upon a time I had a mother that exhibited similar behaviour to yours.  I don’t want to go into too many details (or I’d write a book) but she would take perverse pleasure in making me feel incapable, unlovable, and worthless.  When I attempted to leave, she’d resort to emotional blackmail (among other things) and guilt or threaten me into staying and/or coming back.  I knew, with every fibre of my being, that it was the wrong thing to do, but gave in every time.   Eventually, I had to sever any ties to her just to stay sane.  Simply put, our relationship was toxic.

When I left, the guilt was so deeply ingrained that I habitually took it upon myself to tell myself things she used to say.  When someone repeatedly tells you things, eventually you begin to believe it.  And I believed in all the crap that she fed me over the years.  I went into therapy.  And while it was the hardest work I ever did, and continue to do, I haven’t regretted a thing.

Sometimes, putting yourself and your well being first must be a priority.  You are important, you are strong, you are worthy and deserving of living life on your own terms.


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## Cin (Jun 22, 2005)

Hi, i still did not work out the comprimise with a caculator, but ive spoken to mum more about it. Funnily enough, she said that she has two worries concerning me moving out; my finances and that "you tend to turn into a suicidal". The latter has left me livid. Whenever she brings up anything to do with my depression and feelings and actions concerning suicide; it gets to me. Because of things she has said in the past about attention seeking and even now about education. Fair enough she has a who knows how many weeks certificate with depression she waves in my face, but that does not make her an expert or a predictor on how i feel or what i do. I can't say that im never goign to have a bad turn when i move out, because im still struggling with it, and who knows, really. But i do feel she is using my illness or emotional state (i don't know how to word it) as a last thing to try and stop me. Yes it is worrying me, but i have to deal with it wherever iam. Iam petrified of moving out when i sit down and think of all the changes, but its something i feel i must do, to move on. I don;t know where all this is comming from at the momment. im just rambling on....ive even forgotten to what i wanted to say....


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## Cin (Jun 22, 2005)

Hi, i still did not work out the comprimise with a caculator, but ive spoken to mum more about it. Funnily enough, she said that she has two worries concerning me moving out; my finances and that "you tend to turn into a suicidal". The latter has left me livid. Whenever she brings up anything to do with my depression and feelings and actions concerning suicide; it gets to me. Because of things she has said in the past about attention seeking and even now about education. Fair enough she has a who knows how many weeks certificate with depression she waves in my face, but that does not make her an expert or a predictor on how i feel or what i do. I can't say that im never goign to have a bad turn when i move out, because im still struggling with it, and who knows, really. But i do feel she is using my illness or emotional state (i don't know how to word it) as a last thing to try and stop me. Yes it is worrying me, but i have to deal with it wherever iam. Iam petrified of moving out when i sit down and think of all the changes, but its something i feel i must do, to move on. I don;t know where all this is comming from at the momment. im just rambling on....ive even forgotten to what i wanted to say....


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## ThatLady (Jun 23, 2005)

Moving away from home to be on one's own is always scary. It's scary even if you don't have a problem with depression. However, it's a rite of passage that we all face as we become adults. It's something we need to do.

Parents tend to want to control and protect their offspring from all the "horrors" they feel they faced when they were beginning their adult lives. Sounds like your mom is using your depression to try to keep you under her thumb, just like she's using her finances and whatever else she can come up with to stop you from leaving to live your own life.

Yet, the ultimate decision of when it's time to get out there and get going is yours, hon. You must make that decision and stick by it. It's not up to your mom anymore. )


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## ThatLady (Jun 23, 2005)

Moving away from home to be on one's own is always scary. It's scary even if you don't have a problem with depression. However, it's a rite of passage that we all face as we become adults. It's something we need to do.

Parents tend to want to control and protect their offspring from all the "horrors" they feel they faced when they were beginning their adult lives. Sounds like your mom is using your depression to try to keep you under her thumb, just like she's using her finances and whatever else she can come up with to stop you from leaving to live your own life.

Yet, the ultimate decision of when it's time to get out there and get going is yours, hon. You must make that decision and stick by it. It's not up to your mom anymore. )


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## Cin (Jul 20, 2005)

For the past two weeks ive een fighting my urges; telling myself im going to have another keloid, another ugly scar, but this has just pushed me over the edge. My aunt unfortunaly died in the london bombings, and she will be taken to another country to be buried, My mum asked me to help her as much as i can so that she can pay for a ticket to fly over. Before i get to even utter the word overtime to my manager, the funeral date is set, and i will not be able to raise enough money for her to go, let alone myself. A good few months ago my mum did tell me that i should start saving up for any emergancies. i didnt.So now she cant even go to her own sister's funeral. She will not come out and say it, but its obvious: if had had saved up when she said, she wouldnt have this pain and shame now.Shes lost her sister in one of the worst possible ways, and im her only source of help, and now she has no one.Im never going to forgive myself for this.


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## Cin (Jul 20, 2005)

For the past two weeks ive een fighting my urges; telling myself im going to have another keloid, another ugly scar, but this has just pushed me over the edge. My aunt unfortunaly died in the london bombings, and she will be taken to another country to be buried, My mum asked me to help her as much as i can so that she can pay for a ticket to fly over. Before i get to even utter the word overtime to my manager, the funeral date is set, and i will not be able to raise enough money for her to go, let alone myself. A good few months ago my mum did tell me that i should start saving up for any emergancies. i didnt.So now she cant even go to her own sister's funeral. She will not come out and say it, but its obvious: if had had saved up when she said, she wouldnt have this pain and shame now.Shes lost her sister in one of the worst possible ways, and im her only source of help, and now she has no one.Im never going to forgive myself for this.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 20, 2005)

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your aunt, Cin, especially in such a wasted way. I do hope they catch and punish the soulless creatures that planned this.

But to your post: Why is it only YOUR responsibility that your mom doesn't have this money? Why was it ever only YOUR responsibility that plans be made for future emergencies?

Who is the child and whi is the parent?

It seems to me this whole picture is upside down...


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 20, 2005)

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your aunt, Cin, especially in such a wasted way. I do hope they catch and punish the soulless creatures that planned this.

But to your post: Why is it only YOUR responsibility that your mom doesn't have this money? Why was it ever only YOUR responsibility that plans be made for future emergencies?

Who is the child and whi is the parent?

It seems to me this whole picture is upside down...


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## ThatLady (Jul 20, 2005)

Sweetie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your aunt. I know how devastating that must be to you, and to your mother. However, that does not automatically exchange your mother's responsibilities for herself with your responsibilities for yourself. You are not responsible for your mother's inability to attend the funeral. That's your mother's cross to bear, so to speak. She must accept responsibility for her failures, not pawn them off on you. She's an adult and you are not her keeper. The guilt she's attempting to pile on you is her own. She must bear it.

I agree with Dr. Baxter. The situation you describe is topsy-turvy.


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## ThatLady (Jul 20, 2005)

Sweetie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your aunt. I know how devastating that must be to you, and to your mother. However, that does not automatically exchange your mother's responsibilities for herself with your responsibilities for yourself. You are not responsible for your mother's inability to attend the funeral. That's your mother's cross to bear, so to speak. She must accept responsibility for her failures, not pawn them off on you. She's an adult and you are not her keeper. The guilt she's attempting to pile on you is her own. She must bear it.

I agree with Dr. Baxter. The situation you describe is topsy-turvy.


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## Cin (Sep 6, 2005)

I think i see the situation as topsy turvy...she told me the same things you tboth said. Ive just been re-reading over my posts and it seems im portraying her as a battle-axe. I truly hope you dont see her that way; its my distorted view on things. My mum is still over there, and having trouble getting back, she has to come back before the ticket date, because there was a mix up with the tickts, meaning more money, And shes just asked me to open her letters over the past two weeks...im disgusted..its too much, way too much. And your right, i cant pay this all off, its not mydebt. Its her who should be posting, not me. But, then again this is how i feel. Grief has no limit. I cant say im going to wait for her to finish grieving then leave,, but i have to make a plan and stick to it. I feel bad for singing the same song here constantly, but i feel ive got nowhere to go, including my therapy. i feel he is giving up aswell.


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## Cin (Sep 6, 2005)

I think i see the situation as topsy turvy...she told me the same things you tboth said. Ive just been re-reading over my posts and it seems im portraying her as a battle-axe. I truly hope you dont see her that way; its my distorted view on things. My mum is still over there, and having trouble getting back, she has to come back before the ticket date, because there was a mix up with the tickts, meaning more money, And shes just asked me to open her letters over the past two weeks...im disgusted..its too much, way too much. And your right, i cant pay this all off, its not mydebt. Its her who should be posting, not me. But, then again this is how i feel. Grief has no limit. I cant say im going to wait for her to finish grieving then leave,, but i have to make a plan and stick to it. I feel bad for singing the same song here constantly, but i feel ive got nowhere to go, including my therapy. i feel he is giving up aswell.


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