# Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships



## making_art (Nov 14, 2013)

Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
Go Ask Alice, Columbia University
Updated / Reviewed On: April 5, 2012 


*Dear Alice*


What are some ways to identify and deal with unhealthy relationships?  And what strategies can people use to enhance relationships? What are  some internal and external support resources that are available for  people dealing with unhealthy relationships?

*Dear Reader,*


Throughout our lives, we are involved with many different kinds of  relationships. We have friendships, romances, work and school-related  connections, familial ties, and, quite often, relations that defy  categorization. Each of these situations has the potential to enrich us,  adding to our feelings of self-worth, enjoyment, and growth. These  relationships are healthy.


On the other hand, in other situations, we may find ourselves feeling  uncomfortable. It can be difficult to come to the realization that a  lover, friend, colleague, or family member is not treating us with the  respect we deserve. Keep in mind that in all kinds of kinships, there is  likely to be some disagreement, need for compromise, and times of  frustration. These alone do not necessarily indicate that a relationship  is unhealthy. Here are some things to think about when considering  whether a particular bond is a healthy one or not:

*In a healthy relationship, you: *


         Treat each other with respect
         Feel secure and comfortable
         Are not violent with each other
         Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
         Enjoy the time you spend together
         Support one another
         Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
         Have privacy in the relationship
         Can trust each other
         Are each sexual by choice
         Communicate clearly and openly
         Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
         Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
         Encourage other friendships
         Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
         Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
         Have more good times in the relationship than bad
 
*In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:*


         Try to control or manipulate the other
         Make the other feel bad about her/himself
         Ridicule or call names
         Dictate how the other dresses
         Do not make time for each other
         Criticize the other's friends
         Are afraid of the other's temper
         Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
         Ignore each other when one is speaking
         Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
         Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender,  race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other  personal attribute
         Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
         Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
         Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
         Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
 
Sometimes it's not so easy to decide if a troublesome tie should be  maintained the way it is, worked on, or ended before it goes any  further. One thing to consider is if the relationship was ever different  than it is now. Is there something stressful happening that could be  impacting the way you interact? Maybe money is tight, you've moved, are  looking for work, are dealing with a difficult family circumstance, or  are going through some other kind of transition. Or maybe there are  problems from a while back that were never resolved, and are now  resurfacing. What in particular is bothering you, and what would you  like to see change? Talk over these questions with each other, or with  someone you trust, like a friend, teacher, or counselor. Think about  what, if anything, you can each do to make the other feel more  comfortable in the relationship.

If a partner, friend, or colleague is harming you or your loved ones  physically, emotionally, or sexually, it's time to seek help. If s/he is  encouraging other harmful behaviors, like abuse of alcohol or other  drugs, unsafe sexual activity, or other activities that make you feel  uncomfortable, you have a right to leave. There are a lot of resources  available to help you.

If you or someone you know needs help with an unhealthy relationship,  the following organizations can provide information and support. At  Columbia, you can call Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at x4-2878, Barnard Health and Mental Health Services at x4-2091, Nightline (confidential peer counseling) at x4-7777, or the Barnard-Columbia Rape Crisis/Anti-Violence Support Center at x4-HELP (-4357).


         24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotlines (7 days a week)
        National Bilingual Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (-7233)
        (will translate into over 130 languages)
        TTY: (800) 787-3224
 New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
        24-hour Bilingual Hotline: (212) 807-0197
 National Association of Social Workers, Inc. (NASW)
        (provides referrals to social workers and services)
        (202) 408-8600
 American Psychological Association (APA)
        (offers a practice directory for referrals to psychological services)
        (800) 374-2721 / (202) 336-5500
        TTY: (800) 374-2721 (x6123)
 YMCA of the U.S.A.
        (800) 872-9622 / (312) 977-0031
 YWCA of the U.S.A.
        (800) YWCA-US1 (992-2871) / (212) 273-7800
      Perhaps the most important thing to do is to trust your instincts and  the people close to you whose opinions you trust and value. Each and  every one of us deserves to feel safe, valued, and cared for. Keep in  mind that one of the strongest signs of a healthy relationship is that  both people involved feel good about themselves. Also, by treating  yourself with self-respect and believing in your right to be treated  well, you are taking important steps towards developing equitable,  mutually fulfilling ties in the future.


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