# When Someone Is Contemplating



## GDPR (Aug 31, 2012)

When someone is contemplating suicide, is it mostly because they are hurting or because they truly wish to die? I personally think it's because they are hurting and they want the pain to stop and it's the only solution they can find to make it go away. They don't really want to die, they are just reaching out for help. And it works, they tell someone they're suicidal, get the help they need and eventually start feeling better.

But what if someone just truly doesn't want to live anymore? What if someone just doesn't want to continue another day in this world? They can't really talk about it because if they do, someone will intervene and that would defeat the purpose.

I don't understand that.It's not fair to force someone to live if they really don't want to. I think it would be better to hear the person out, let them explain exactly why they don't want to be alive and let them make the decision if they choose to. I'm not talking about someone that's just really upset and irrational, I'm talking about someone that has thoroughly thought about it from every angle, someone that has made a conscious decision to end their own life,and they feel it's the best decision all around.

Why isn't it ok? Why are they hospitalized and prevented from doing what they really want to do? It just seems selfish to me. They're stopped because of how it would make OTHER people feel, because OTHER people would be upset, but nobody really cares what the person that's contemplating feels.

We just assume they're 'mentally unstable', but what makes people think that every person should WANT to be alive? Who made that unspoken rule anyway?


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## betterorworse (Aug 31, 2012)

Our society has decided over many centuries that as human beings it is illegal and immoral to commit suicide.

It's not at all about how other people feel. It's about a permanent solution for a short term situation. How many people have said after being stopped that they were grateful because they did not know how their lives could change for the better but it did. Nobody knows what is possible till you try, you have to be alive to do that.

In the future there maybe changes in the law with exceptions due to medical circumstances that are untenable, for people that are completely coherent and lucid, otherwise I don't think there is anything wrong with preventing suicide.

This is a complex issue, that can be debated endlessly.


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## Banned (Sep 1, 2012)

A couple years ago I felt exactly as you do, LIT, and made the exact same arguments you are making.

As *i* got much healthier, I began to see and understand things a bit differently.  I was also extremely suicidal at the time, barely hanging on, so of course my views were slanted in a direction that suited me.

Ive learned that what I thought was the absolute, undeniably appropriate solution for me then was actually anything but.  Mental health does not have to be a death sentence and because mental health issues affect the mind, of course they affect perception, cognition, behaviour, ability to reason, etc.  when all those things are affected, you can't make life-altering (or in this case life-ending) decisions.  You don't have the mental capacity to do so.  They say to never make a major life decision during times of stress for a reason.  How many times have you made an emotional decision and regretted it later? 

Knowing what I know now, and living my life as it is now, I would be devastated if I had succeeded in ending my life a few years ago.  I have a life I was convinced would never be possible, I am happy, and I have so much to look forward to.  

If I was diagnosed with a painful, terminal illness, I would likely want to have some say in the end.  But when it comes to mental health issues, I have people who can help me. I have my life back.  And while it seems impossible for the person who is suffering at the time, it really isnt.  There is always hope and help.


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## Darkside (Sep 2, 2012)

Cliche's aren't the answer. Sure, if they persevere things might get better, but for some people they don't and the mental illness becomes a terminal disease.

My brother committed suicide in 1997 but not until after he tried to find help. He had a psychiatrist (actually two of them) and was on different medications for several years. His depression never lifted. He couldn't go back to school, he couldn't find a job and he wasn't getting any better. Thankfully, he wasn't married and had no children. After years of suffering this was his solution and I know he did not do it lightly. The man suffered most of his adult life and this was his final solution.

I had a cousin who did the same thing in his early 40s. There is some kind of gene that is present in my family but for those it afflicts it is a lifelong thing. For me, the depression comes and goes.


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## Missed Link (Sep 7, 2012)

I agree with Darkside that for some people it seems to be genetic. Both my paternal and maternal grandfathers committed suicide.  My cousin did as well.  My father nearly did, and my mother who suffered with severe depressions periodically (we now believe she was bipolar as was her brother), spoke of wanting to die many times.  

I am bipolar with PTSD and anxiety, diagnosed correctly only 3 1/2 years ago.  I am now 60 yrs old, but I have wanted to die since my teens. It has only gotten worse as I've aged.  I finally have the correct meds, a great psychiatrist and psychologist and great coping skills to lead a really good life.  My husband is wonderful as are my adult children.  We have friends and do volunteer work that really matters.  Even so, hardly a day goes by that I don't think about suicide.  When I have a deeply depressed day or week, there is nothing I want more than to die--I am in excruciating mental & emotional pain in those times.

 In 2009 and 2010 I was hospitalized to keep me safe and change my meds (& ECTs in 2010).  Now, I tell my hubby when its that bad and if I can't keep my mind occupied with something else, I just curl up in bed and wait for the tsunami of pain to pass. My brain doesn't function right in some areas - I know it now.  

There are many people I can help -- I just got certified to be a peer instructor for a recovery class for the mentally ill.  If I die, some people might never know that they can have hope to live a nearly normal and productive life.  They will continue to live in fear and pain.  I am not afraid to die, and truthfully, I wish I could go home with the Lord today.  I feel I've lived enough experiences for 2 lifetimes or more.  But again, my brain is broken in a sense and I know it.  It's always set on self destruct anywhere between just thoughts to deep, gut wrenching desire. 

 Now I understand what is happening in my mind and brain.  But if I had not become educated and gotten the right help and meds, if my husband didn't step in and realize what I was planning to do in 2009, my life would be over.  I would never have learned what was really wrong with me and learn how to live well in spite of my disorder.  I would not be able to help others find the way out of the maze of their broken brains and learn how to get help and help themselves. 

 I have learned not to trust certain feelings because it's my illness talking.  I can live with it because I know what it is and I don't have to act on feelings. I look to the future, at setting goals for myself and to help others.  I know the thoughts and pain will follow me there, but I also know I can't allow them to control me, I must control them and my response to them.  I want my life to mean something, and by doing the work I am doing, even my pain and mental disorders have come to have value in the lives of others.  This is why it is important that I wasn't allowed to die and I am sure there are many others like me -- in fact a know a few.


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## Darkside (Sep 7, 2012)

I believe the predisposition to depression is probably hereditary, but suicide, strictly speaking, is a choice that some see as a solution. My only point was that when you are in pain and you have tried everything and nothing helps then suicide appears as an answer that therapy and medicine cannot provide. I will never presume to pass judgment on someone who makes this choice for any reason. I have known the intense pain that mental illness can bring and I have seen it in other people and in my opinion it can be like living with a broken bone that has been set in a cast but never heals and never stops hurting.

For me, depression comes and goes but it is ALWAYS linked to circumstances. I have never felt depression that was purely chemical (lack of serotonin) with no behavioral component, but while rare I believe it exists.


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## Banned (Sep 7, 2012)

Beautifully said, Missed Link.  Thank you for sharing.


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## GDPR (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm still here, and I am finished 'contemplating'. Obviously I decided it wasn't the best solution afterall.

This time was different, and in hindsight, pretty scary, I really believed the things I was thinking. It all made so much sense at the time and seemed like the 'right' thing to do. There was no way anyone could have convinced me of anything different.

Missed Link, how did you learn to not trust certain feelings and know it was just the illness talking? I was starting to get a little better at it, but I don't know what happened, I completely believed what I was thinking and feeling.


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## Banned (Sep 12, 2012)

I am glad you're still with us.

Have you made any changes to your meds that may have caused the shift?  Or perhaps they need to be reviewed.  Were you able to reach out to a therapist or support person during this period?


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## GDPR (Sep 14, 2012)

It was a combination of things that caused the downward spiral. Someone said something to me that was so hurtful and instead of just brushing it off, my mind got carried away and old memories resurfaced.I did reach out to my therapist and a good friend and both were very helpful. 

It's weird how sometimes things from the past can still feel so real and hurt so much, even this many years later. Although I'm not that abused,neglected, helpless child anymore, sometimes it feels that way.


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## rdw (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm glad you made it through!* People can be so mean and cruel with their words and of course then we continue to be mean and cruel to ourselves. Are you still seeing your therapist?


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## GDPR (Sep 14, 2012)

Yes, I'm still seeing my therapist. And I was able to talk to him about what I was contemplating, and why. Being able to talk to someone face to face makes a huge difference.


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