# Trust issues



## stressor (Jan 12, 2007)

hi, i guess i am here b/c, not sure. background, i have been in intense therapy for PTSD , i have panic disorder and agoraphobia. maybe all irrelevant.  i love people but have problems with personal relationships. this one has been 3 years and i cannot trust him at all. i feel like i would need to trust him with my life before making this a long term relationship. i cannot trust that much to anyone. i learned a lot in therapy but i wonder if that's being undone now. the garbage that he brings to this relationship (in my opinion) is his drinking, the innevitable fights and put downs. i feel like it's slowly chipping away at what i feel i know is true. question, am i wrong in wanting to stand with what i believe (and believe it simply b/c i cannot trust) or is he simply trying to break me down to be what he wants. do we have problems that will always clash. i know better (i think) but here i am looking for answers anyway.


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## Halo (Jan 12, 2007)

First of all Stressor, Welcome to Psychlinks and I am glad you are here :welcome:

Second, in my opinion, the fighting and the put downs especially do not sound to me like someone who loves you, respects you or cares about you.  It just sounds cruel.  While I am not in a relationship myself and do not have much personal experience in this area, I do know that being with someone (anyone) whether it is a romantic relationship or not should bring a good feelings inside and a mutual respect for one another.  

I do not believe you are wrong in wanting to stand for what you believe to be true.  That is exactly what you should be doing in my opinion.  Stand up for who you know you are and if he is not comfortable or accepting of that then he really isn't the one for you.

Take care and I hope to see you around more.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 12, 2007)

stressor said:


> hi, i guess i am here b/c, not sure. background, i have been in intense therapy for PTSD , i have panic disorder and agoraphobia. maybe all irrelevant.  i love people but have problems with personal relationships. this one has been 3 years and i cannot trust him at all. i feel like i would need to trust him with my life before making this a long term relationship. i cannot trust that much to anyone. i learned a lot in therapy but i wonder if that's being undone now. the garbage that he brings to this relationship (in my opinion) is his drinking, the innevitable fights and put downs.



What keeps you in this relationship at all, stressor?



> i feel like it's slowly chipping away at what i feel i know is true. question, am i wrong in wanting to stand with what i believe (and believe it simply b/c i cannot trust) or is he simply trying to break me down to be what he wants. do we have problems that will always clash. i know better (i think) but here i am looking for answers anyway.



Whatever his motivation, it seems it's having a very negative impact on you. This suggests two things to me: First, that you need to clearly identify what it is you want in a relationship - you can't get what you can't define - and then you need to evaluate whether that is even possible in this relationship. Second, if you decide the relationship is worth trying to salvage, you need to both understand that this will take a sincere mutual commitment to change for BOTH of you - you can't do it alone.

And I'll add a third: Once you know what you want a relationship to be, don't sell yourself short... don't settle for less. Because if you do settle, less is probably what you'll get.


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## stressor (Jan 12, 2007)

i have thought about why     i stay in this relationship and i finally can't help but wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me. my threrapist used to say that i make the wrong choices b/c it's a story i have been living in since a very young age. sometimes i got the impression that he was trying to tell me that it simply would never be possible to have one that would work. i wanted this to work b/c i have a need to know i am not a failure. it can't always be the other guy's fault.  the problem is relationships come with so much. and it doesn't allow me the energy and time i need to work thru daily mind exercises that had kept me from that fall into all the symptoms of PTSD. i know what's happening in theory but i just can't make it work in pratice when i am hit with  a little stress.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 12, 2007)

See if this exercise helps, stressor.


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## ThatLady (Jan 12, 2007)

Please, let us know how the exercise works for you, stressor. I'd love to see you find your way through these problems. You seem very motivated to do so.


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## stressor (Jan 12, 2007)

thank you for the info. i will definitely check it out. 
the exercises consist of two things basically. first i try for quiet time and do chi gong. i also sit and take myself back to therapy and conversations with the doc after a few moments of breathing properly. i just go thru what was discussed and tell myself he was right. sometimes i can get a grip that way even for a little while.  when the next stressor comes along i find myself right back at the beginning. then start over. but meantime, this situation has managed to chip away at me more than i realized or can control in my mind. i am not sure that it will ever go away but it's way better than where i was 10 or more years ago.  yes i am very motivated. the people and events that shaped this life cannot have any more than they took already.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 12, 2007)

stressor said:


> the people and events that shaped this life cannot have any more than they took already.




That is inspiring.  I wish you all the best.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 12, 2007)

stressor said:


> thank you for the info. i will definitely check it out.
> the exercises consist of two things basically.


Actually the exercise that ThatyLady and I were referring to is at http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?p=50841#post50841.


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