# Seinfeld medical advice



## Daniel (May 4, 2010)

*Cosmo Kramer*: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you  go to the dentist.  
*Jerry*: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before  surgery'.  
*Cosmo Kramer*: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.


*Frank Costanza*: [_yelling_] Serenity now. Serenity now.  
*George Costanza*: What is that?  
*Frank Costanza*: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too  high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"  
*George Costanza*: Are you supposed to yell it?  
*Frank Costanza*: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
_
more Seinfeld quotes_


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## Daniel (May 4, 2010)

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jBEEtoPzS8
*


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## David Baxter PhD (May 4, 2010)

YouTube - Seinfeld - The Serenity Now


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## Daniel (May 5, 2010)

*Jerry*: How do  you stop a kid from growing?
*Kramer*: I told you, you should offer him  some cigarettes.
*Mickey*: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is  hanging around. She won't let him have any.
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George*: I love these people [doctors]. You can't  ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb  the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge  sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
__________________________________________________*

Ms. Rhode Island*: I'm watching my weight.
*Jerry*: I'm  watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
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Kramer*: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is  alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the  fifties.*
Jerry*: Will  you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't  mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.*
Kramer*: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a  military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
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*George:* He took a biopsy  Jerry, a biopsy!*
Jerry:* What'd  he say?
*George:* He said he  didn't know what it was.
*Jerry:* All  right, so?*
George:* When I asked him  if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I  wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"*
Jerry:* Maybe  he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.*
George:* How could you be  a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the  training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are  you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you  know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never  should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll  make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of  this.
*Jerry:* Can't  you at least die with a little dignity?*
George:* No I can't. I  can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person  who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why  should I die with dignity?

(from Wikipedia)


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## npd (May 5, 2010)

hilarious


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## Ronbell (May 6, 2010)

I spent a good hour just looking at those quotes on that website. It's hilarious, and for some reason it's funnier in my head then when I watch the episodes. (for the most part)


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## Daniel (May 6, 2010)

*Morty Seinfeld*: We just came for the funeral.  
*Helen Seinfeld*: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.  
*Jerry*: He was 96 years old.  
*Morty Seinfeld*: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.


*Dr.   Sarah Sitarides*: Wow, restaurant. Flowers...  
*Jerry*:   Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?  
*Dr.   Sarah Sitarides*: It's fine.  
*Jerry*:   Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man.  
*Dr.   Sarah Sitarides*: What is with you?  
*Jerry*:   You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.


[_Kramer's face is haggard from smoking_]  
*Jerry*: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72  hours. What did you expect?  
*Cosmo Kramer*: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face  is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to  this face.  
*Jerry*: And your teeth... they're all brown.  
*Cosmo Kramer*: Look away. I'm hideous.


*Cosmo Kramer*: You know, they botched my vasectomy?  
*Jerry*: They botched it?  
*Cosmo Kramer*: I'm even more potent now.


*Cosmo Kramer*: [_Kramer just had a seizure_] What happened?  
*Elaine*: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on  TV?  
*Cosmo Kramer*: Yeah.  
*Elaine*: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!


*Elaine*: Okay, what's your answer to number 74?  
*Ben* [medical student]: Uh, metabolic acidosis.  
*Elaine*: No! Hypokalemia! Not metabolic acidosis! Duh!


*Cosmo Kramer*: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!*
*


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