# Constantly Sleeping, Feeling Drained



## stargazer

I am usually a very high-energy person, and it is unlike me that I have been sleeping as much as I have throughout the past several days.  Last night I slept for fourteen hours, and I took two long naps today, one of them three hours long.  I think this started on Thursday, when I went down for a nap after lunch, and wound up sleeping deeply for four hours, not knowing where I was when I awoke, or what day it was, so deep was the sleep.

There are reasons for me to be depressed, largely financial.  My music transcription service had been getting me a lot of unexpected work and income for a couple of months, but then midway through last month, I suddenly stopped getting any new work.  At the beginning of this month.  there were a couple of unexpected financial issues, and I wound up becoming broke very early in the month, so that I wasn't even able to pay my phone bill.

So I feel restricted by my financial situation, and a little depressed that this seems to be an ongoing problem with me, but I still don't quite grasp how this would physically tire me as it has.  My usual reaction to such things is a much different one.

I have been living in the same house since June 1st, so on the 1st of November I paid my sixth month's rent here.  My housemates and I are getting along.  It's a large house, and we can easily give each other a lot of space; plus, we are communicating well.  I only got mad one time, and it was about three months ago. 

So I had been taking encouragement in this stability, but now I suddenly feel like my life is going nowhere.  I am also geographically situated in such a way that nothing is nearby.  So, when I am tired, I find it difficult to make the trek to sources for food and other kinds of help, being as I do not drive.  Public transportation is very bad in this area.  Also, I often feel very confused, and I do not know what the next right thing to do is.

I don't think I can go back to the hospital, because I just came from there, when I had admitted myself after several nights of not being able to sleep at all.  I thought they had fixed my meds while I was there, but perhaps they overdid it?

I think my dosages, however, are normal.  

This is an aside, but I really like the people at the hospital.  I am always glad to see them, and I participate readily in the DBT groups, however they insist on putting me on ativan while I am there, and it wipes out my memory, so I can't remember what happened in the hospital, except vaguely.  Should I say something about this?

In addition, I received an unexpected gift in the mail from one of the DBT co-ordinators.  It was a paperback book, and she signed it, too.  That shows how nice the people are there, and how there is definitely a sense of connection to mental health resources here that I did not have when I was still in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Still, I think it might be premature to go right back.   It is not quite like in Canada where there is universal health care, and in fact I once went there, and they said it was too soon after the last time.

Finally, I sense that I might have slept it all off - whatever it was - as I now feel I will probably be up all night, which is a little bit dis-heartening.  I am trying to establish certain routines, and if insomnia sets in as a backlash, it will only foul things up worse.

Any suggestions or ideas?  Thank you for your time.


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## Meggylou

Unforunately I don't have any solutions. 
BUT I do sympathise greatly with you. I too am sleeping a LOT, like ridiculously, one of my naps 3 days ago ended up with me sleeping from 3-7, up for a pee then back to bed until 11:30, then up for two hours, then back sleep again until noon I think it was? I'm ALWAYS tired, and always sore, I think they play into each other.
The financial thing is tough too, I am also in the same boat.
I know though that since you are rationally thinking things through, you are way more than just one step ahead of the game. Keep searching for options, I'm sure someone else on here may have some ideas. In the mean time. I'll be rooting for you!


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## Halo

SG,

It is great to hear from you again.  I honestly think that it is too early for you to go back to the hospital.  All the sleeping may just be your body's way of telling you to slow down and take it easy.  I know that normally I can go and go but eventually my body just crashes for a few nights and it rejuvinates me to go again. Also, do you think that you may be coming down with some sort of bug or flu?  I know that sometimes I will start to sleep a lot right before I get sick.

Anyway, I hope that it turns out okay for you and that you get back into the regular swing of things.

Take care


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## stargazer

I sort of think it's too early to go back to the hospital, too.  Also, like I said, they don't really want you to abuse the priviledge.  The times I've gone in before, there was a clear reason why I pretty much had to be admitted.  

This morning I awoke in a good mood for a change, but then after checking my email I found myself becoming disproportionately angry over an email reply, and now I've been angry all morning.  They say that depression is "anger turned inward" - so maybe now it's starting to come out, which I hate.

I'm going to go running now, and do some errands.  The financial thing, combined with its persistence - the way that I don't seem to be able to get myself solvent, no matter what I do - can of course be very frustrating.  It also seems that, prior to 2004, and my mother's death, and the initial manic episode, I never had an issue with financial solvency.  I made practical decisions, and things fell into place, and stayed there.

Another key event was losing my car, and not driving anymore.  Then, there are the emotional and family-related factors.  The only reason I haven't pursued getting another car is because my brother and sister don't want me to.  And that makes no sense.  I'm the one who knows how restricted I am by geography, and how many times, the key factor determining whether I'm going to run a simple errand or not is that I lack the motivation to endure the walking, the carrying in my backpack, and so forth.  

Putting a key into the ignition is so much easier.  But then everyone reminds me of the price of gas, and the maintenance, and all it does is make me angry.  They're trying to comfort me, but they all have cars.  So it's a moot point.

Well, I'm rambling, but that's the essence of my depression in a nutshell.  I just can't get around, and I'm out in the middle of nowhere.  I have been valuing it for the sake of its stability, but now I feel that my life is going nowhere, and the years are wasting away, and I'm just depressed.


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## cinderella

stargazer said:


> Finally, I sense that I might have slept it all off - whatever it was - as I now feel I will probably be up all night, which is a little bit dis-heartening.  I am trying to establish certain routines, and if insomnia sets in as a backlash, it will only foul things up worse.



I know what that is like. My sleep pattern is all skewed up because of the anxiety and the insomniac effects of the pills I am taking for it. It's so hard to get up in the morning when you're alone in a cold, dark room. It is so much easier just to curl up and fall asleep--especially if you were up all night overthinking things. That's okay once in a while, but bad sleep patterns can be so detrimental to improvement...


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## stargazer

I just feel like I keep running out of options.  Life is dismal.  The obstacles toward succeeding - or even surviving - just become more and more huge with each passing year.  It seems like the poorer I get, the more I am surrounded by drugs addicts and alcoholics and criminally minded sorts of people - when all I ever wanted to do was play the piano and write music and write.  And that's all I ever did do, up until 2004.  

My Mom died, and everything changed.  I lost my job, my car, and my house.  I lost my ability to make reasonable life-choices, if I ever had it to begin with.    

I don't know how she did it.  She must have somehow got me to think I was making my own decisions, when behind it all, she was the one making sure I didn't slip and fall.  I lost all my stability when she died, and it's been five years now, and I haven't gotten it back.  I mean, I get it back for a while, but it never lasts.  And right now's the worst.

My daughter doesn't talk to me anymore, and neither does my stepdaughter.  Everybody has abandoned me.  My issues are too much for them.  I make these appeals to my friends and my family, I say please say something, please stop ignoring me, please show me I'm worth something to somebody.  But nobody ever writes back or returns my calls.  Nobody ever makes any suggestions how I can get any help.  Everybody just ignores me. 

Right now I'm sitting in some stupid motel room somewhere in California, I have no home, and  before I know it I'll have run out of money again.  Life seems pointless, meaningless, futile.  And I'm not getting any younger.

Well - I only responded because I got a thread notification.  Hope everyone's doing all right.


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## sister-ray

Stargazer I wish i could offer some advice or help, just wanted you to know Ive read your post and you are in my thoughts:hug:


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## cinderella

I cannot begin to understand how difficult a situation yours must be. My thoughts are with you.


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## Daniel

> I lost all my stability when she died, and it's been five years now, and I haven't gotten it back. I mean, I get it back for a while, but it never lasts. *And right now's the worst.*



Since medications are usually the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder, have you talked to a psychiatrist lately about a possible tweaking of meds?  My family member with bipolar disorder would sometimes need to get them adjusted even just a week or so after his last appointment.



> My daughter doesn't talk to me anymore, and neither does my stepdaughter. Everybody has abandoned me. My issues are too much for them. I make these appeals to my friends and my family, I say please say something, please stop ignoring me, please show me I'm worth something to somebody. But nobody ever writes back or returns my calls. Nobody ever makes any suggestions how I can get any help. Everybody just ignores me.


Maybe increasing the frequency of therapy visits (especially if the current frequency is zero) can help compensate to at least some small but meaningful degree for the lack of family support?


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## stargazer

Oh good - I had been searching for this post.  Again, I am not receiving notifications, and so I did not know until this morning that any of you had replied.  Thank you all for your replies.

I had wanted to find the post in order to "take back" some of the things I was saying, only because I later realized that the severity of my mood that night was more indicative of a passing sensation than of an ongoing emotional difficulty.  This is not to minimize it, but only to express that I have been feeling much better now, and that I have renewed optimism.

Briefly, I wrote that post from a motel room to which I had escaped after an unexpected hassle with one of my housemates occurred virtually at the same moment that I received my monthly disability check.  I was thinking I was probably going to have to give up my room, and I was catastrophizing about that.  When I wrote "I have no home," I was believing I could not go back to the house in which I am now once again comfortably sitting in an upper room in a nice warm bed with a nice Dell laptop.  So I was definitely catastrophizing. 

Since the time of that posting, the problems related to the house have been resolved, and in fact, that particular roommate is moving to the Midwest in January.  I am not going to move, and so I feel more stable again.  I have been in this house for six months now, and that is a good thing, not a bad thing, considering my history of instability in recent years.

Daniel may have guessed correctly that the current frequency of therapy visits has been zero, *only because *my sister and I have both been confronted *incredible* levels of bureaucratic confusion in the lengthy process of returning my State of California Health Benefits (Medi-Cal) to this County.  I shudder at the mention of the word "bureaucracy," and by no means do I wish to re-visit the inappropriate expressions of anger that have sometimes occurred when I have tried to advocate for myself in the face of the System.  

Basically, throughout the past six months, I have been able to obtain my medications through a primary care physician (not a psychiatrist), and I have been denied mental health benefits due to bureacracy.

Finally, the day after I wrote the very depressed post, my Medi-Cal benefits appeared in this County on the computer at the Mental Health offices where my previous therapist, Judy, is stationed.  So, finally, I have an appointment with her on the 15th (next Monday), which will be my first appointment with her (or any other therapist) for over one year.  

The last time I saw her was *before * I had moved to the Bay Area for a job that didn't work out, in which you all noticed how angry I was becoming, uncontrollably, day after day.  _I want to apologize to everyone for expressions of rage that were completely out of line_.  I had no control over this behavior, and also my perceptions of these episodes were seriously askew from reality.

However, I now understand where all this was coming from, and I am eager to take it up in therapy.  And I am glad to be seeing Judy again, because I always liked her, and I think my life headed toward stability when I was working with her, and away from stability when I was not.  

Finally, stability has become more important to me than worldly success.  It would be nice to have both, but of the two, stability is more essential.  As you all know, I have been out on the streets and in some pretty awful living situations.  One would think I wouldn't exactly be prioritizing the production of a musical over making sure I had a roof over my head.

So, while the situation of the past six months has been generally positive, in that I have had access to medications, and to a better mix than I'd previously been prescribed (when I was more constantly angry), it has lacked the component of regular affordable therapy.  The problem, however, has at last been solved.  Now I will have both therapy and medication.

Thanks for putting up with the length of this post.  I had been planning only to submit a brief reply, but when I saw that you all had responded, I was touched, and I figured I owed you more information.  If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask.  I'll bookmark this thread and try to remember to return to it, even if I do not receive notifications.

Thanks again.


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## NicNak

I am glad some things are working out for you Stargazer, so glad you have an appointment with your therapist again.

I just started reading your posts now, so that is why I had not responded previously.  
'
Non the less, I wish you the best.   Again it is great you have the appointment with your therapist and your living arrangements seem to be working out for the better come January 

:support:


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## stargazer

No worries about not responding earlier, NikNak.  I'm trying to catch up here myself.  I just today received the newsletter, which always reminds me to head over here.  But it's difficult to get to everything I would like to, and I also understand that my posts in particular tend to be lengthy, at least at first, before the thread gets going.


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## amastie

What you are dealing with seems overwhelming to me.  I wish it wasn't, that I could offer you *real* help StarGazer.  I can only offer you my thoughts and my wishes for you to feel better and to break through this trial.

:support:

amastie


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## stargazer

Thank you Amastie.  Actually, however, if you read my most recent post, things are looking up, and I am very optimistic.  But I appreciate your good thoughts and wishes.


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## amastie

I'm glad.  I think I was too overwhelmed by all you are dealing with to pick up on that last bit.  I so want things to be ok for you 

My very best wishes,

amastie


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## stargazer

No worries.  I have a tendency to overstate the point by using too many words, and sometimes the essence of the message gets lost in the confusion.  It's something I'm working on.


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## amastie

Heavens!  And I thought I had the exclusive patent on that!  
Just me again, now heading off to bed...
Good night


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## stargazer

Hopefully you'll have slept soundly by the time you wake up and get this message.  I'll have to check out your posts to see for myself!  Right now, however, I need to get back to work.  It's 10:30am in California, and I have found that, being newly self-employed, I never get anything done unless I put myself onto strict schedule.  Cheers!


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## stargazer

I'm replying to myself here, but just wanted to report that I'm definitely feeling much better.  I had been off my meds for a while - not that I didn't want to take them, but that I was having too much trouble obtaining them through the bureaucracy.  Now I'm getting them again through Medi-Cal, and I'm in about my third of fourth week back on them.  Also running again, fifteen miles a week or so, enough to help me feel good anyway.

My friend Alex told me on the phone the other night that if it ever came down to a financial or health-insurance-related reason why I couldn't obtain the meds in the future, he would cover the cost for me.  That's good of him, and should help.  

Work is going well too, surprisingly.  I'm content with my living situation, and all things seem peaceful, pretty much.


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## Into The Light

glad to hear it stargazer. wonderful that your friend has offered to help out in those times!


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## amastie

That's great news!
Good to hear it 
For now,
amastie


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## stargazer

Thanks, folks.  And Happy Holidays, to those to whom it applies.


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## sister-ray

Happy to hear things are going well for you


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## stargazer

Thanks, Julie.


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