# Sick of being in pain



## why (Jul 25, 2009)

I am tired. Not just physically. I don't intend to sound like a drama queen, but _my soul is tired_. For a full year, there has not been ONE day, where the pain, if not goes, lessens.

I won't commit suicide. Not because of anything, but the fact that I am a chicken. Everything that has had meaning to me is gone. No family or friends to worry about hurting, and the lack of family or friends is what makes life empty. It's weirdly funny actually, I suppose. There is no cure for that. Medication can't change my pain about that...

Yes I do have a husband who loves me. And I do care about him (that's a whole other loooong story). But it is not enough:sob2:

I am _passively_ suicidal I guess. I have stopped watching my cholesterol. I have upped my smoking, without caring.

A year ago, I had friends who "cared". I remember telling my "best buddy" how I was feeling a little down, now that my Aunt was dead, and I was all alone. He said I had "friends who cared"._* OMG, that's funny*_. Then I am turfed. My other friends somewhat followed him. A few weeks ago, I phoned one: "Hi ***, this is *my name* She went "*my name* who"?.

That was a kick in the gut. I said my last name, then she said "Oh! *MY NAME*""! Had a brief talk, but my stomach was now in knots. My remaining family (cousins) reject me, friends reject me. I am obviously worthless


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## Daniel (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Sick of being in pain.*



> A year ago, I had friends who "cared".


 
What about making new friends? Even having just one or two aquaintances can help a lot (compared to nothing) as long as one is also seeing a therapist for support. Personally, it helps me to focus on the need for socialization rather than making friends since the latter is a result of the former.

Have you looked at Meetup.com to see if there is anything interesting in your area? In the interim, seeing a therapist can be a valuable form of socialization/support. Group therapy is also helpful for some people.

BTW:

The Interpersonal Solution to Depression - Google Books



> I am _passively_ suicidal I guess.


What about seeing a therapist?


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## Banned (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Sick of being in pain.*



Daniel said:


> Have you looked at Meetup.com to see if there is anything interesting in your area?


 
Great suggestion, Daniel. In my area there is even a meetup group for people with depression. I've never gone, but based on their calendar, they try to do fun social outings that aren't too intense and going to over-stimulate people. They'll have dinner at an affordable restaurant, go for a nature walk, etc.

One time when I was talking to my therapist about my depression she had me draw a whole bunch of circles on a piece of paper, with a big circle in the middle. In each circle I put a source of support I have. The idea was, over time, to fill in each of the circles. At one point, she would have been the only thing on the page. In time, I was able to take her out of the biggest circle, and fill it in with something else. She still gets a circle, but it's smaller. Even Psychlinks got a circle . It was a really valuable exercise so that I could see, on paper, what kind of support I have at any given point in time (I'm ridiculously visual). And of course, the circles are always changing.

Why don't you try the same exercise, Why? And see how many circles you can fill in today, and figure out ways to add to your circles in time? We can help if you want.


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## why (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Sick of being in pain.*

The thing is...I'm sort of "scared" of people now. I hardly talk now, and I can't meet peoples eyes.  Other peoples good moods make me mad. The thing is, the friends I had, were part of "starting life over" after my parents died. The thought of doing that again seems too much...I feel too tired to start over... again. I'm hopeless.

I am waiting on a psychiatrist. I had a few therapists over the years. One I really liked, but my husband didn't want me to see her anymore.

I'm waiting on a psychiatrist. I had a few therapists over the last three/four years. One I really liked, but my husband wanted me to stop seeing her.


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## Banned (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Sick of being in pain.*

Why did your husband not like you seeing her?

Do you work?  Would a part-time job help boost your confidence?

The thing is, it's hard to learn to deal with people if we're never around them.  If you can find small ways to integrate into groups that will push you a little bit, but not excessively, you may find in time, that with the right company, you enjoy their presence.

Have you seen your family doctor?  Perhaps an antidepressant might be a good start, to help lift the fog a bit.


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## Daniel (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: Sick of being in pain.*



			
				Turtle said:
			
		

> Would a part-time job help boost your confidence?


 
And even a 1-hour-a-month volunteer job can help.



			
				Turtle said:
			
		

> The thing is, it's hard to learn to deal with people if we're never around them.


 
Exactly, and that has been my personal experience. 

Why: Do you go to social events with your husband? If not, that could be another way to "get out there."


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## ladylore (Jul 25, 2009)

> I am waiting on a psychiatrist. I had a few therapists over the years. One I really liked, but my husband didn't want me to see her anymore.



When is the last time you spoke with this therapist that you liked? Is she still available? It really isn't up to your husband who you see as a therapist. It's your decision because it's your life.



> One time when I was talking to my therapist about my depression she had me draw a whole bunch of circles on a piece of paper, with a big circle in the middle. In each circle I put a source of support I have. The idea was, over time, to fill in each of the circles. At one point, she would have been the only thing on the page. In time, I was able to take her out of the biggest circle, and fill it in with something else. She still gets a circle, but it's smaller. Even Psychlinks got a circle . It was a really valuable exercise so that I could see, on paper, what kind of support I have at any given point in time (I'm ridiculously visual). And of course, the circles are always changing.



I really like this exercise Turtle.:2thumbs:


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

*Re: Sick of being in pain.*

Thanks everyone. I was not up to "talking" with anyone the past few days...

I really would love to go back to my old therapist, but my husband believes that it was partly because I was seeing her, that I started an emotional affair. My husband said it was a "deal-breaker" for our marriage if I were to go back. Funny thing, is that I have been thinking of divorce for a few years. Since a little over a year after my parents died.

I was feeling "stronger" when I went to see her. This is another "issue" I have to deal with somehow.

I'm on meds. I had been on Paxil for a few years, then last summer when I got turfed by my buddy (and then soon after, mutual friends), it was the last straw, so to speak. Complete breakdown #2. Even after increases in dosage, the Paxil stopped working for me, and started having the opposite effect. So the switch to Effexor. One increase so far, from 75mg to 150mg. Not much of an effect, so I will mention this when I see her later this month.

I can't wait for therapy!!!! It has almost been two months that I have been waiting for the psychiatrist, that my Dr. referred me too.


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

I'm happy to hear that you're going back to therapy Why - this is wonderful news   :2thumbs:  

I also hope that you feel better very soon.


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

Thank you.
So do I...lol


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## Into The Light (Aug 2, 2009)

> I really would love to go back to my old therapist, but my husband believes that it was partly because I was seeing her, that I started an emotional affair. My husband said it was a "deal-breaker" for our marriage if I were to go back.


can you explain this a little more (if this isn't too intrusive a question). i'm not sure i follow the logic of his reaction.

also, was it her specifically that he didn't want you to see or just any therapist?


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

Well, while I was seeing I got _very_ attached to a new male friend of mine. As well as very attracted. Shortly after I was seeing the therapist, during which time I was diagnosed as co-dependent. I read the first Melody Beattie book 2thumbs. I was feeling stronger, and started to set limits and be more vocal about things I was not pleased with regarding to hubby. I also shared my feelings with a few friends via email (not so much my male friend...I knew the limits), which my husband came across a couple of years ago. So now he 100% truely believes that I was justifying myself by making him sound like a monster. (he isn't...it's just a long story LOL) So, he traced part of this to the therapist I was seeing. He doesn't blame her for "my affair", just helping to make me be in the right frame of mind, and encouraging my "perceptions" of a not great marriage.


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## Into The Light (Aug 2, 2009)

ok, that's a bit clearer. that's a tough situation you're in.

one thing that i have come across in many hours of reading is that when we start to change our behaviour and become more assertive, those around us may not all necessarily like this change. there is normally a pattern established in how we interact with various people in our lives, and when we start to change that, they don't like it, and will up the ante, as you will. the thing is to stick with it and hold to your guns, and eventually a new way of interacting emerges and remains.

my point in all this i guess is to say that it is to be expected that people will be resistant when you start becoming more assertive. there will always be some sort of reaction. it sounds like your husband resisted the change he was seeing in you, and he knew where the change was coming from.

it's up to you to decide what you truly want and need, and to take it from there. that will take some introspection.


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

Into The Light said:


> it's up to you to decide what you truly want and need, and to take it from there. that will take some introspection.




Yeah, that has been on my mind constantly. I know that is one source of my depression. While I was seeing this therapist I got stronger, and felt I was getting strong enough to end my marriage. My husband spent most of the time out of town, and I found I preferred life on my own. I truly enjoyed it (I lived with my mom until I got married) I was still hesitant, because I didn't want to hurt him (that is still the case...even more so now). He has always been so amazingly supportive. There are just some issues that I truly can't live with.  Also, for the selfish point, that I didn't want to lose the last person in my life that cared for me. But then my "friend" pointed out to me that I had friends who cared rant. I "had" a support system. Now? Do I stay and  be unhappy? Or be unhappy, 100% alone. Right now, that is one of the main things that is torturing my brain. I want my mom:hopeless:


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

I'm sorry Why. :hug:

I think that you're thinking about really pertinent questions.  If I were you, I'd really explore these with the assistance of my new psychologist / psychiatrist.  I really do think they're excellent questions.  

I've had those same questions of myself in the past.  But these are questions that you now have to resolve for you and based on what it is that you want, as ITL has suggested...


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 2, 2009)

1. We all have to learn to be alone and be OK with that sooner or later.

2. You may well discover that living alone is better than living with someone else and beung unhappy.

3. Why do you assume that you will be 100% alone forever?

My point here is not that you should necessarily leave your husband but that staying because you are afraid to be alone is a bad reason for staying.


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

..Agree 100% Dr. Baxter.  Although I'd like to think that item 1 refers more to, when you're in a committed relationship at least, moments when your partner has his/her own life as an individual (i.e. spending time with friends, working etc.).

There's nothing wrong with being alone. But (and I know you well enough now Dr. Baxter to say) it's also important to have that support system - friends, family etc...Meaning that I know you advocate the support systems...I think. 

And as a good friend pointed out to me lately, your "family" is who you make it to be.  I have a "family" outside of my biological family...(not a big one, but enough to make me feel cared for).

Added:  Why, I've been totally alone for about 3 years.  I've only recently started to make connections with people again.  It takes a bit of time, but you're worth it.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 2, 2009)

Point #1 means that if you cannot bear to be alone, if you need someone there to entertain you or to make you feel safe (other than in a crisis of course), if you cannot define who you are except by referring to your relationships with other people or even with one other person, that is an unhealthy situation for you. Even if you have a partner who is cooperative, the burden on that partner is excessive.


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

Those are all things I know I have to work on...
Just the memory of the first six months, after my buddy dumped me, and my husband being out of town...I saw no one. My phone never rang, except for my husband. I would make sure to walk to the store everyday just to see people. I don't want to be there again.

And I feel as though I am shutting down...

Yeah, I know, DEFINATLEY work on those with the psychiatrist!:lol:

---------- Post added at 12:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:24 PM ----------




David Baxter said:


> Point #1 means that if you cannot bear to be alone, if you need someone there to entertain you or to make you feel safe (other than in a crisis of course), if you cannot define who you are except by referring to your relationships with other people or even with one other person, that is an unhealthy situation for you. Even if you have a partner who is cooperative, the burden on that partner is excessive.



That's just it. It's the crisis part. I LOVED, loved, loved being on my own when my husband spent most time out of town (before the friends fiasco). I am very much a person who needs lots of space, I'm a lot more independent than when we first met. Actually, I turned more independent since my mom died. This bothers my husband I know. Right now, he isn't working at all, so I'm truly going batty. I plan to take a holiday and go to a hotel for a couple of days...


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

..It does get easier Why...And not only that, it can actually be quite nice to discovery who you are now, re-discover the things that you enjoy, even maybe kindle some new friendships?

And thank you for explaining Dr. Baxter - I obviously took your comment literally


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## KDAshley (Aug 2, 2009)

Sweetie, I am 31 years old and am experiencing a very similar situation with feeling alone.  I am one who has never really had close friends after senior year of high school. The person I always talked to was my mother...she is my best friend, however just in this last week she turned against me when making a decision to leave the boyfriend she never saw "Being Enough" for me. I thought the day of me leaving him would be the best day of her life! I don't know if you are someone who fears being alone but if you are anything like myself, we like knowing that there is someone to open up to aside from our signifigant other. 
  I would make sure to keep myself busy!!! I always pass my time when feeling lonely with working around the house. I seem to feel better when spending a lengthy amount of time doing laundry, cleaning, washing my car, laying out by my pool or reading books on whatever situation I may be going through. I have found reading on my situations in a book is identical to someone actually sitting there telling me, "I understand."  I am someone who loves getting dressed and being out around new faces, but sometimes we are going through such a tough time that we do not even have the energy necessary to get ourselves in the shower to get pretty.
  Is there any activities you enjoy doing when you're not with your husband or working? If you need someone to talk to {feel free to reply to this post}.


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

The new friendships thing will be hard, I admit. Something I know I will need to work ALOT on.
The getting "dumped", part was like the last straw. I held on to my sanity through mom's sudden death, caring for dad through his cancer immediately after, then coming back from his funeral and finding his house broken into. My husband was worried for me. But I was a trooper
So my "trust" is kaput. I know, baby steps...


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

> The new friendships thing will be hard, I admit. Something I know I will need to work ALOT on.



Can I make a suggestion Why?  And again, this is only from a personal perspective...As I stated earlier, I pushed people out of my life a few years ago.  At the time, it was under the guise of "I need to focus on my career".  I was lucky, a couple of friends stuck through despite my poor behaviours and recognized it as my protecting myself.

My suggestion is that you just focus on you for right now...See what it is that makes you happy.  Do the things that make YOU happy.  Once you get to that place again Why, those friends will come to you.  Friendships don't always have to be difficult.  If you're content in your life and doing the things that make you happy, it's amazing how people come out of the woodwork to share in that happiness.  Even if they are just casual friends initially (if you know what I mean).

PS - Trust was/is still my issue too.  It takes time to develop trust with anyone.  But, you have to at least be open to getting to know new people.  And, maybe this will only happen when you're feeling a little better?  (again, you'll have to evaluate this for you I think  )

Just wanted to give you a big of my context so you'd understand.  Since 2001 I had a best friend with whom I shared everything.  She's a few years younger than me.  A few years ago, she made new friends, said a few terrible things to me and essentially ditched me.  When she was ready to come back, I wasn't all that keen.  Her behaviour kind of melded into other things that I'd experienced and I just couldn't trust ANYONE after that.

Now, we're best friends again - but it took a few years to get back to that, and many conversations about what had happened back then.  To this day, even though I still love her and consider her a best friend, I'm reluctant to share too much with her because I'm terrified it'll be used as ammunition the next time she decides to ditch - but that's my issue, not hers.  Which brings me back to square one - I'm focusing on what I love to do.  I'm hoping to be open to new friendships.  And if these don't crystallize very quickly, I'm ok with that too because I'm busy making a busy life for myself , full of the activities that "I" love...


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

Oh wow, KDA, your post really struck me  a couple of times!



KDAshley said:


> I don't know if you are someone who fears being alone but if you are anything like myself, we like knowing that there is someone to open up to aside from our signifigant other.



Therein actually lies my main problem with my marriage. I met my husband when I was 17. He essentially lived with my mom and me for about 10 years (there were some problems there). In hindsight, that wasn't a good thing. You see, essentially (for me) it was a three-person relationship. When mom died, my "buffer" was gone. My husband was close to my mom too, so when he had problems, he would go to her, and she always had "wise words". And "sometimes" she was able to get him to do things. I had lost old friendships. School friends that faded away etc. So it was just me, my husband, and mom. The three person relationship was now two...and it didn't work for me. I NEEDED that other person to talk to etc. There are other issues as well, that are related but that is "sort of" it in a nutshell.

And what you said about getting ready to go out? I soooo here you! Actually, I'm in a bit of a bad state right now...I sometimes don't get out of my bathrobe, or even brush my hair...for days (ick, I know). Yes, medication adjustment is needed....

Jazzey:

Yes, I need to find the THINGS that make me happy. It's funny...I'm a very social person really.


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