# I really want to let go



## Jazzey (Oct 12, 2009)

I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling that I haven't done what I should have.  I'm tired of feeling guilty because I no longer return phone calls (that I ignore on a regular basis - the guilt is killing me), tired of avoiding my mail box because I'm scared of what's waiting for me there (medical test results - I've avoided the mailbox for the past 4 weeks).

I really want to let go.  There are no immediate plans.  Just a few days of surmising why I'm still here.  Debating when, how etc...

Here's the kicker - I write this, and automatically I feel like deleting it because I feel naked in this thinking.  But, I'm genuinely tired - mostly tired of not 'caring' about anything or anyone, about the internal badgering or debating about all of this.


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## Daniel (Oct 12, 2009)

How often are you seeing a therapist?  You may want to ratchet up the frequency.


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## Jazzey (Oct 12, 2009)

It's been a long time since I've seen her, Daniel (since August? - I honestly can't remember).


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## Daniel (Oct 12, 2009)

Well, there you go.  Go back or see someone else, but see somebody


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## Banned (Oct 12, 2009)

I'm sorry you're in that place again Jazzey. It's really tough. You've got my support, and I know how familiar and comfortable that place is.

I agree with Daniel. Actually, I'll be a little firmer than Daniel. You've GOT to make seeing your therapist regularly a priority. You just have to. There's no reason you need to carry this alone, or be a martyr. 

I'm also wondering if a consult with a psychiatrist might be beneficial, to determine if your meds are effective enough (are you still taking them? Be honest!). 

I've spent alot of time lately too figuring out the how and the why, and it scares me because I have it all figured out. It's just the "when". I'm trying to get help for myself and work with my therapist; I hope you'll do the same.

I can understand your apprehension about checking your mail, wondering if there will be bad news.  You can look at it a couple ways - you can check your mail, and find good news, which would be ideal.  In the off chance the news is less than desirable, the sooner you find out the sooner you can make some educated decisions on what to do next and how to proceed.  I hope, as a first step, this coming week you can at least bring the mail in.  Even if you don't go through it yet, at least bring it in.

You're really worth the support and you're so precious. I really want to support you in any way I can to get through this.


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## NicNak (Oct 12, 2009)

Hey, Jazzey.  Sending you lots of support, love and care.  

How long has it been since you down?  I read you said a few days of thinking of things, but has the feeling been for longer, since you had a "break" so to speak from it?

I try to think of the postive times and hang onto them for dear life when feeling how you are, or try to do something nice for myself.  

Always remember we are here for you Jazzey. :support:  :friends:


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## Retired (Oct 12, 2009)

Daniel's suggestion is what makes sense.  When in crisis, we need the help and guidance of a competent trained professional who can objectively evaluate our situation and provide relevant options.



> tired of avoiding my mail box because I'm scared of what's waiting for me there



Instead of letting the becklog pile up, how about taking one envelope a day, and dealing with it, until the backlog is cleared.   This would clear the backlog, and perhaps be easier than dealing with it all at once.

Keep that crisis line number handy, so you can call if you feel the need.

In the meantime, keep the conversation going here.


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## Fiver (Oct 12, 2009)

I think I understand how you feel, at least as how these feeling relate to my own life. It landed me in psych lockup for a few days late last week. Things pile up, they wear you down, self-hatred becomes enormous, guilt is overwhelming, and none of it makes sense anymore. None of it. Nothing. And it stops being worth the trouble.

Will you not be seeing your therapist at the end of the month? That's still two weeks away -- is there anyone, anyone at all you'd trust enough to just let some of these steamers out before they blow the hinges off? It's truly okay to not be able to do it all yourself, Jazzey. Everybody needs some help now and then. It's okay to ask for it, and it's okay to accept it. 

I hope you'll do both. You're worth it.


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## Banned (Oct 12, 2009)

Jazzey darling, are you taking your medication? I hope you are, because as you know that can affect how you are feeling.  But please let me know.


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## Daniel (Oct 12, 2009)

And exercising can help too, of course, though exercising is less likely to happen when one is depressed, just as socializing tends to go by the wayside. My last therapist was like a personal trainer in some ways since she mentioned exercise more than any of my previous therapists combined.


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## Jackie (Oct 13, 2009)

Hugs and positives to you Jazzey:hug:

As for avoiding mail/calls, I would say to pick them up as the stress and worry of not picking them up and wondering whats there is for me worse than picking them up and dealing with it.


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## Jazzey (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks everyone.  I just crashed a little last night.  I had a very hectic long weekend with friends of mine and their children. It was a wonderful weekend in many respects.  Except it also brought with it some realizations about my own life.  So I felt that I spent the weekend examining myself, my life, both past and future.  So it elicited a lot of anger in me.  

Recently, when I dip into my depressive moods, I just get really angry that I'm there again.  Everything seems bleak and I self-destruct on many levels. The dips then 'feel' like if they're worse than usual.

And no, I stopped taking my medication again on Friday - part of this anger thing that I do so well.  But I'll resume taking them tonight - after I go for my run with my running club. 

As for therapy, I just haven't managed to obtain regular bookings up until the end of this month.  But at the end of this month, I'm starting weekly sessions - hopefully.  

I just get angry sometimes.  And it's easier to let go in those moments, than to have to go through some of the painful things that come with these dips.

But I genuinely appreciate all of your support everyone - thank you.   You do make a huge difference in my life.


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## Banned (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi Jazzey,

I'm glad to hear you'll be starting regular app'ts soon.  I think you will definitely benefit from them.  And also that you're going back on your meds.  I understand the anger and need to control "something" and what better can we control than going off our meds?  But, I'm glad you see how that's not an ideal solution...it really does just hurt us in the end.

It sounds like you're feeling better, and I'm glad for that.  Keep posting.  Don't feel you can't or shouldn't.  We're here for you.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 13, 2009)

Take care of you Jazzey whatever it takes do it. I hope your appointments with your therapist come soon and that restarting your medication helps. The lows of depression are a terrible place to stay in sending you support to get you out of there soon don't try to do it all alone okay.:support::hug:


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## Crazy Cat (Oct 15, 2009)

Jazzey,  You replied to me today in another forum.  Now I can honestly say that it seems that you and I may be kindered spirits.

I feel the exact same way....I also identify with Fiver.....I'm so tired of being .... well, me.  

I've done the phone call ignoring so much that no one calls me anymore.  I only leave my house when I absolutely have to.  I'm no longer working because my dingbat doctor got me on disability for my personality disorder ... or should I say he "encouraged" me to do it and just went along with everything.    

Wow...I just did the same thing you said you did in your first post....almost erased the whole thing for being too open.    

I do feel that if I were to die, whether by my own hand or by other means, whoever is left behind will get over it.  The only ones I worry about are my cats who were abandoned once already (maybe twice) and I promised them a forever home.  

I know I sound like the crazy cat lady but everyone I know has told me they've never seen anyone interact with cats the way I do.  I went to a cat show some years ago and was talking to a cat in a cage.  I walked away and the cat started yowling.  The owner couldn't figure out what was the matter..cats don't normally yowl if not in pain.  I walked over and the cat stopped when it saw me.  I started talking to him again and he calmed right down.  Lets just say his owner wasn't happy about this.

Anyway....now I really sound nuts.  I'll stop now.


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## Jazzey (Oct 15, 2009)

No, you really don't sound nuts. But you do love cats.   I love cats and dogs....In fact, I'd love to get a cat right now - but I can't because I travel too much for my job and it just wouldn't be fair.

And thank you.  I'm actually doing a lot better today.  I have my really bad days, and then somedays I can wake up and feel hopeful again, look to the future and hope that things will change for me, sooner rather than later. 

When we're in that dark spot, it's easy to convince ourselves that people in our lives will simply get over it.  But that's our depression talking.  Making us forget just how truly needed and loved we really are.

Just a thought - are you allowed to volunteer one day a week when you're on disability?  I think the local animal shelter would be awfully lucky to have you as part of their team...


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## Crazy Cat (Oct 15, 2009)

I probably could volunteer but I'd probably end up worse off.

I volunteered for 6 years and was VP of our animal shelter.  The politics of it go so bad that I was actually being blamed for "saving too many lives".  If you can believe it!  

I'm not the kind of person who can go to a shelter and keep my mouth shut about how things are done or handled.  I was tough on pre-adopts, threw people out of the shelter, etc.  It was a very eye opening experience.  Between me and the president, who was my best friend at the time, our adoption rate went up to almost 98%.

I had to have major surgery and then my dad got sick and passed away.  While I was down for the count, some other shelter volunteers took it upon themselves to bad-mouth me and the president to the town council.  Again...we were saving too many lives.  

We ended up quitting on the same day.  It still haunts me but I did go back and grab the cats I thought would be at risk.  Thats how I ended up with so many.   Just the thought of going back into that makes my blood boil.

Funny thing is, I never had any intention of getting politically involved in the shelter and was only going to walk dogs.    I went to a board meeting and that was it.  I didn't like the attitudes of the people in charge so I let my voice be heard.  Little did I know I'd end up VP.  In a landslide yet.  And I was ousted by the same people who voted for me.

Go figure.


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## Jazzey (Oct 16, 2009)

Came back to this thread to share some great news everyone.  First, I finally retrieved the mail (nothing interesting)  and, more importantly - I'm now officially cancer free.  I've been smiling all day.


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## Banned (Oct 16, 2009)

Oh Jazzey if you could see me right now you'd see me grinning from ear to ear and doing cartwheels down my hallway for you.

I'm SO very happy for you!!!!!


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## Jazzey (Oct 16, 2009)

Thank you Turtle. :hug::hug: :heart:

I've been doing mental cartwheels all day - thus my return from work early:  Who can concentrate with all that racket in my brain.


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## Banned (Oct 16, 2009)

Good for you.  How are you celebrating (besides taking the afternoon off work )?


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## Jazzey (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm taking tonight to myself to just relax.  I have a 'big to-do' tomorrow night.  So this is "my" night.  I may take a nice bath and listen to Jazz...accompanied by a really good glass  of red wine .


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## Simon Attwood (Oct 16, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> I may take a nice bath and listen to Jazz...accompanied by a really good glass  of red wine .



That sounds like heaven


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## NicNak (Oct 16, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> Came back to this thread to share some great news everyone.  First, I finally retrieved the mail (nothing interesting)  and, more importantly - I'm now officially cancer free.  I've been smiling all day.



THat is such fantastic news Jazzey!  I am soooo happy for you!   I will be smiling all day now too, for you 

That is wonderful news!  :flowers:


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## crzycadn (Oct 16, 2009)

I am so happy for you Jazzy.  I hope you have a marvelous weekend.


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## Jazzey (Oct 16, 2009)

Simon Attwood said:


> That sounds like heaven



Yes, indeed.  It sounding like a master plan right about now. 



NicNak said:


> THat is such fantastic news Jazzey!  I am soooo happy for you!   I will be smiling all day now too, for you
> 
> That is wonderful news!



Thank you NN. :hug::heart:



crzycadn said:


> I am so happy for you Jazzy.  I hope you have a marvelous weekend.



Thank you Crzy - that means a lot to me.  Have a great weekend yourself.


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## Into The Light (Oct 16, 2009)

that's wonderful news jazzey, i am so happy for you :hug::hug:


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## Jazzey (Oct 16, 2009)

Thank you ITL :hug::hug::heart:


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## Ashe (Oct 16, 2009)

Jazzey, congratulations!!  I wish you perfect health now and in the future.  Have a great evening relaxing!


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## Jazzey (Oct 16, 2009)

Thank you Ashe.  That means a lot to me.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 17, 2009)

i am so happy for you what wonderful news


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## Jazzey (Oct 17, 2009)

Thank you, Violet.  Today was a really wonderful day for me, full of hope.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 17, 2009)

You so deserve such hope Jazzey  I am so happy you are going to be well and cancer free 
take care.


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## Jazzey (Oct 17, 2009)

Thanks again Violet, that means a lot to me.


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 17, 2009)

Happy for you.


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## Jazzey (Oct 17, 2009)

Thank you, CD.   :hug:


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