# One liners



## Daniel

I woke up last night  to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At  first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. 


The wife has been  missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been  to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


A  mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I  quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... 


I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could  check her balance, so I pushed her over.


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## AmZ

You made me laugh for the first time today, and it's 8pm... Thank you


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## David Baxter PhD

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns


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## David Baxter PhD

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...

Sincerely,

Google


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## David Baxter PhD

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin


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## AmZ

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked             into jet engines

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to             buy her friends?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! (OK, please excuse that one. But it kind of works somehow!)

---------- Post added at 08:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:44 PM ----------

I see you have a certain style going on there Dr Baxter. Very nice.


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## Dragonfly

"Well, well, well", said the woman digging the hole.

"Gotta get to work....," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.


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## Daniel

I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open.

- Robin Williams


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## Daniel




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## Daniel

"I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

“I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.”

 -  Phyllis Diller


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## Daniel




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## Daniel




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## Daniel

Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

~ Andy Rooney


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## Daniel

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

-- Niels Bohr   (1885-1962)


"The future, like everything else, is no longer quite what it used to be."

-- Paul Valéry   (1871-1945)


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## Daniel

"TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

"Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious."

-- unknown


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## Daniel

"With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too."

"The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it."

"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already."

-- unknown


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## Daniel

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

~ Dave Barry


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## Daniel

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."

Erma Bombeck


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## Daniel

"Everyone wants to save the earth;  nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

_All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty_


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## Daniel

"Your mother and I are honest people. And why steal a pen? Don't I bring you enough pens from work?"

What's Considered Stealing at Work? - AOL Finance


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## Daniel

“I feel so bad for the millennials. God, they just had their universe handed to them in hashtags.” 

— Ottessa Moshfegh


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## Daniel

A Guided Meditation for San Francisco's Tech Elite

Notice the sensation of your cashmere Everlane sweater. Does it feel warm or cool? Rough or soft? It had better feel warm and soft—you spent $155 on that ****, not including shipping.


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## Daniel

“What’s the difference between an Iowa mom and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.”

(Source: A former FBI negotiator on his No. 1 rule — and getting a better cable deal)


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## GaryQ

- millennial’sprayer:

“Deer Gawd, I’m textun U cuz I think my IPhone is posest and would like U 2 sen me a new 1 4 Xmas, Amen”

- God’s response:

”Sorry son, you texted the wrong guy. Try Santa but I doubt you’ll have much luck with him. He knows if you been bad or good... and so do I! Love God”

~GaryQ


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## Daniel

"Robots are getting smarter every day.  Are you?"  -- Pluralsight


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## Daniel

A book never written: “Artificial Intelligence” by Anne Droid.

-- David F.


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## GaryQ

Artificial Intelligence: a futile ideological attempt to replace natural stupidity 

~GaryQ


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## Daniel




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## Daniel

"This should never have happened” has appeared in code comments more than a million times.

 - The GitHub Blog


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## GaryQ

Ah good old GITHUB current home of the modern tech version of slave labor sweat shops now property of Microsoft now they not only have access to your public repositories but to your private ones too. 

"Work on our Open Source Software for free. Ability to take abuse and insults in exchange for your hard work and we get to keep all the money from your work should we sell to big tech for billions!"

Sounds silly right? Nope! Open Source Project MySQL as an example was sold to Sun Microsystems years ago for 1 Billion US then Sun was acquired by Oracle for 7.4 Billion and included MySQL


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## Daniel




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## Daniel

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. 

~ Amy Sedaris


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## Daniel

"What if serial killers are just people on a no-carb diet?"

-- unknown


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## Daniel

(The actor pictured there is from my favorite TV show of late -- Better Call Saul.)


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean

Daniel said:


> Better Call Saul



I love that program!!!


Sent from my Hollycopter using SlappaSquawk


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## Daniel

Comment at a dog groomer's blog:



> One of my best clients actually came from someone who tried to groom her dog herself. She said it took 2 days to finish cuz it was so hard on her back and in the end her dog looked like it went through a garbage disposal (her words lol).
> 
> Tipping Your Dogs Groomer | FunkyPuppy


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## Daniel

From a review for a food delivery company:  

"They included a long, black hair at no additional charge!"


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## Daniel

Carson Canâ€™t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfieldâ€™s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974) - YouTube


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## Daniel

"There are self-driving cars?  How long was I in prison?"

~ _Mom_ (TV show)


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## Daniel

"Next week I’m gonna have an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia."

"I bought a new phone. The first thing I did was press redial. The phone started having a nervous breakdown."

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." 

"My problem is I was reincarnated without having been alive the first time."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." 

"I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments." 

~ Steven Wright


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## Daniel

"I got in a fight at the Museum of Tolerance over a parking space."

~ Paula Poundstone


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## David Baxter PhD

Ha ha!! Love Paula Poundstone.


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## Daniel

"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

~ Paula Poundstone


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## Daniel

"I just paid for a 12 month gym membership and my bank called to see if my credit card was stolen."

~ unknown


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## David Baxter PhD

^^^ Now THAT is comedy!


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## Daniel

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it."

~ Bob Hope


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## Daniel

"Is there a veteran's discount?"

~ veteran joking today when paying his bill at the Veterans Administration


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## Daniel

"Good programmers write good code; great programmers steal great code."

~ old adage


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## Daniel

“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.” 

~ Larry David


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## Daniel

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” 

~ Sam Kinison


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## Daniel

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?


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## Daniel

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."

~ Tommy Cooper


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## David Baxter PhD

Daniel said:


> If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?


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## Daniel

"Feeling good...if good means nervous."

~ _Drunk Parents_ (funny movie of a rich couple that loses it all)


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## Daniel

“The brain is an amazing organ. It starts working in a mother’s womb and it doesn’t stop working til you get elected to Congress.”

~ U.S. Senator John Neely Kennedy


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## Daniel

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” ~ Dave Barry


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## Daniel

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?"


"Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up."

Jerry Seinfeld


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## Daniel

Sent from my LM-Q720 using Tapatalk


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## Daniel

"You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."

- Joan Rivers


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## Daniel

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”

 – Caroline Rhea


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## Daniel

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'” 

– Claude Pepper


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## Daniel

“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” 

– Doug Larson


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## Daniel

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”

~ Chris Rock


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## Daniel

“This is punishment for leaving the house.” 



~ _Grace and Frankie_


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## Daniel

"I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met."

~ Herb Caen


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## Daniel

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

~ Arthur C. Clarke


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## Daniel

"I don’t do drugs. I do therapy. Unfortunately, therapy isn’t as fun and it’s just as expensive."

~ Victoria Maxwell


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## Daniel

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 

~ Stewart Francis


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## Daniel

"Let me ask you a question, who do you think has more freedom—the married man in America or the single man in communist China?"

~ Larry David


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## Daniel

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."

~ Margaret Cho


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## Daniel

"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada."

~ David Steinberg


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## Daniel

"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."

~ George Carlin


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## Daniel

"If God had really intended man to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport."

~ Jonathan Winters


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## Daniel

"The only thing [Tom Cruise] has on you is more money and more photographs of himself hanging on the wall."

~ David Baxter


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## Daniel

"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad."

~ Theodore Roosevelt


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## Daniel

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

~ Jay Leno


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## Daniel

"The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent."

~ Mel Lazarus


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## Daniel

"Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."

~ Johnnie Casson


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## Daniel

"What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?"

~ Homer Simpson


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## Daniel

"I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents."

~ Richard Lewis


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## Daniel

"I would slam this door right now, but it would startle me, so just imagine I did."

~ Shelon, _Young Sheldon_


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## Daniel

"The only thing it did for the fleas was make them smell nice too."

~ Amazon review for flea and tick shampoo


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## Daniel

"I wouldn't take a rattlesnake to them..."

~ negative Google review for a vet's office


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## Daniel

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

~ Richard Lewis


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## Daniel

Nightmare job description for introverts:

"Job is best suited for a person with an upbeat personality and who enjoys working with people."


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## gooblax

Daniel said:


> Nightmare job description for introverts:
> 
> "Job is best suited for a person with an upbeat personality and who enjoys working with people."



Someone once described me as "bubbly"... compared to a quiet reserved German guy. :lol:


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## Daniel

From another job ad:

"These are long-term temporary opportunities."


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## Daniel




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## gooblax

I guess it didn't want to be treated by a quack.


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## David Baxter PhD

gooblax said:


> I guess it didn't want to be treated by a quack.



Ha ha! Best of the day!


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## Daniel

"A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond."


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## Daniel

"Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud."


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## Daniel

"At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?"


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## Daniel

"Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing."


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## Daniel

Jackie: Roseanne, where do you keep your spices? 

Roseanne: In the salt shaker.

~ _Roseanne_


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## Daniel




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## Daniel

"Reading these cases in a vacuum with no history is reserved for residency training torture."

~ Adam Watson, DVM


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## Daniel

"I was happy when I first heard Ronald Reagan was running for the presidency; I've always thought, once you're in show business you should stay in it."

"I grew up with six brothers; that’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom."

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right."

"I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals."

~ Bob Hope


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## Daniel

"In this family we fix our own problems. We use no psychiatrists, no therapists, no educated people of any kind."

~ _Roseanne_


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## Daniel

“Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!”

― Anne Tyler, _The Accidental Tourist_


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## Daniel

"Honesty always gives you the advantage of surprise in the House of Commons."

~ James Hacker (Paul Eddington) in _Yes, Prime Minister_


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## Daniel

From a serious Amazon review:

"It was suggested by a wonderful pet psychic."


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## Daniel

"My empathy is off the charts lately. Maybe I have a brain tumor."

~ _Mom_ (TV series)


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## Daniel

Book review at Amazon:



> Cognitive Neuroscience of Human Systems: Work and Everyday Life (Human Factors and Ergonomics), Forsythe, Chris, Liao, Huafei, Trumbo, Michael Christopher Stefan, Cardona-Rivera, Rogelio E., eBook - Amazon.com
> 
> It’s a book. It has words in it. Also pictures. I enjoy pictures, and I enjoy words. Therefore, I enjoyed this book. Bonus: it is hardcover, which was great for swatting a spider that got a little handsy. “How did a spider get handsy?” You may ask. A reasonable question, since they are known for being leggy. For that answer you will need to consult a book. Not this one, though, it does not cover spider-hands. For that, I deduct half star, which rounds up to 5 stars as Amazon views stars as an all-or-none phenomenon.


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## Daniel

"WE are going to get together and act like a normal family for one-tenth of a second and we're going to do it right now."

~ _Modern Family_


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## Daniel

Repost:

"My problem is I was reincarnated without having been alive the first time."

~ Steven Wright


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## Daniel

"Why do you [therapists] have so many rules?  It's not like you're real doctors."

~ _Mom_


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## Daniel

"In a gold rush, the real money’s often made by those selling shovels."

Source: 
	

			Bloomberg - Are you a robot?


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## Daniel

Book review for _Person-Centred Therapy Today:_

"At the risk of being directive, I would say you should buy this book."


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## Daniel

"I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering."

— Steven Wright


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## Daniel

"Some IT positions are burning hot which truly proves that they are part of hell."

~ Informing yourself to death: obsession with Internet Browsing and Social Sites


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## Daniel




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## Daniel

Corporate speak from a job ad:

"Daily tasks include support to new business expansion initiatives and cross-functional project teams while working hand-in-hand with strategic partners to ensure readiness for each assigned initiative."


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## David Baxter PhD

Translation: We have extra money in this years budget for hiring and we have to spend it or lose it but we have no idea what the candidate will actually be doing.


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## Daniel

~ Gregg Eisenberg


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## Daniel

This made me laugh:

"Have you ever wondered why you have a brain?"


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## Daniel

17 Best of Moira Rose's Positively Ludicrous Quotes
					


17 Best of Moira Rose's Positively Ludicrous Quotes - You get a Cheezburger, and YOU get a Cheezburger. EVERYONE GETS A CHEEZBURGER. The original internet funny site.





					cheezburger.com


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## Daniel

From an advice columnist:  "You demonstrate the maturity, wisdom and ethics of a houseplant."


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## Daniel

"Fox News did to our grandparents what they thought violent video games would do to us."                    

~ unknown


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## Daniel

"I don't have issues...I have subscriptions."

~ Signature line of why


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## Daniel

Why Do Cats Bite When You Pet Them For No Reason? - CatWiki
					


Cats are affectionate creatures when it's on their terms. Find out why do cats bite when you pet them.





					www.catwiki.com
				




"Cats are not shy about letting you know that you’ve invaded and violated their boundaries."


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## David Baxter PhD

That's for sure.


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## Daniel

What is a cardinal sin in a fine dining restaurant?
					


Answer (1 of 230): Before I begin, it's necesasary to establish parameters to ensure we’re on the same page. As a reminder, Buffalo Wild Wings is not a 4-star restaurant. The men and women who work in the kitchen at your local Chili’s did not graduate from a European culinary institute. The Engli...





					www.quora.com
				




"I remember being in an upmarket restaurant years ago and a couple came in (who were on their first date by the sounds of it) and the waiter brought a plate of olives. The man tried one and loudly said that the “grapes” were off and tasted funny. The poor woman looked horrified."


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## Daniel

It’s Time to Stop Giving Gifts to Adults
					


You heard me.





					slate.com
				




"One Christmas, years ago, my mother opened a delicate, clear bottle inscribed with tiny blue letters, sprayed it on her wrist, dramatically inhaled, raved about the refreshing scent, and thanked my cousin’s husband for the new perfume. He sheepishly clarified that it was actually cleaning solution for glasses."


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## Daniel

Some profanity:


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## Daniel




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## Daniel

Noom Wants To Help You Lose Weight. Does It Work?
					


The app claims to rely on science and psychology to help you lose weight. But it may not be that different from any other deprivation diet.





					www.buzzfeednews.com
				




No one denigrates you, _Oh my god, you’re addicted to air_.


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## Daniel

"I'm comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it's stretched. Ha ha."

~ Dolly Parton


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## David Baxter PhD




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## Daniel

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.


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## David Baxter PhD

^^^ Now THAT is comedy!


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## Daniel

Poster in the background:

You is kind.
You is smart.
You is in jail.


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## Daniel

Chris Rock Responds to Will Smith’s Oscars Slap at Standup Show: ‘I’m Still Kind of Processing What Happened’
					


What’s on Chris Rock’s mind? It’s a simple yet valid question, one that the world is wondering after Will Smith slapped the comedian on live television during the Oscars on Sunday…





					variety.com
				




“How was _your_ weekend?” 

~ Chris Rock


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## Daniel

"Hopefully you have someone to blame."

~ _The Price Is Right_ host Drew Carey joking to someone who just lost


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## Daniel

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?​


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## Daniel

Jimmy Kimmel Trips Out Over Mushrooms Talking to Each Other
					


“Anyone speak shiitake?” Kimmel joked of new research suggesting that fungi communicate.





					www.nytimes.com
				




“Anyone speak shiitake?” Kimmel joked of new research suggesting that fungi communicate.


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## Daniel

Originally posted by David:

"Why a fax machine is nothing but a waffle maker with a phone attached!" ~ Grampa Simpson


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## Daniel

_Remember what Mom always said: "A handshake is as good as a hug."_

~ _Frasier _


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## Daniel

"Join us if you want to. It doesn't matter, though, whatever."

~ National Apathy Society


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## Daniel

News headline from 2014:

"Veterinarian mistakes man in gorilla costume for real gorilla, shoots him with tranquilizer dart."


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## Daniel

“For as long as I can remember I've had memories.”

~ Colin Mochrie


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## Daniel

Printed on a dog toy:

"I didn't do it."


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## Daniel

"I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles."

~ Denis Leary


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## Daniel

"If you think you're depressed now, maybe you should wait for the verdict."

~ Judge Patricia M. DiMango


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## Daniel

“Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid.”

― Dean Koontz (novelist)


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## Daniel

A typo from a positive review:

"Great clarification and customer service department. Ask for Xanax she is very pleasant."


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## Daniel

"Do you have any idea how uninterested I am in these facts?"

~ Judge Judy


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