# Can't show my love to those I care about



## Me and myself (May 7, 2007)

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this....anyway...

I'm feeling much better, it's been a hard way since last December and I'm amazed how well I've become.

As I've told you so many times, this break-up made me look objectively to this relationship and it lead me to look to all relationships I had in my life.

And I've found this: it seems I have a tremendous difficulty to show love and affection to those I love. This was one of the reasons why my ex broke-up with me.

She told me I was cold and could not feel any passion from my side. I can understand her point of view but the fact is that, inside me, that is not true. I'm the most loving and caring guy...I simply can't show it. It seems the more I care and love someone, the more difficult it becomes.

This has been like this since I started dating..At this stage, I'm not seeking for answers or solutions to get my ex back. I'm doing this for myself 'cause this is making me unhappy and frustrated. 

I wonder if anyone here has gone through or has the same problem?

Many thanks

M&M


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## David Baxter PhD (May 7, 2007)

It sounds like you may be in "protective mode" - there can be many different reasons for this but it's not uncommon. 

I would wonder what losses you experienced before you began dating, what models of relationships you witnessed growing up, what your rleationship with your parents and other family mmbers was like, what your relationships with peers was like, whether you suffered from depression or an anxiety disorder or shyness, etc., etc.


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## Me and myself (May 7, 2007)

> I would wonder what losses you experienced before you began dating, what models of relationships you witnessed growing up, what your rleationship with your parents and other family mmbers was like, what your relationships with peers was like, whether you suffered from depression or an anxiety disorder or shyness, etc., etc.



I really don't have any clue about what triggered this behaviour. As far as I remember, I never had any major loss before starting to date. My parents are married for years and never had any major problems in their relationship. I'm a shy guy, that's a fact, but it doesn't seem to be enough to cause such a powerfull behaviour.
I suspect the problem is in the relationship with my mother. She's very controller, always trying to take care of my own business (it wouldn't be so problematic if I was not 40 years of old). I've been trying to be more assertive with her, rejecting her help 'cause I simply don't need it but she doesn't change her behaviour. She likes to play the victim role everytime I say NO (and I simply don't care if she does it 'cause I know it's just a role, it's not genuine).
I really don't know if there is any major episode behind this...how can I deal with it and find a possible cause. Please note that I'm reading and learning a lot about NLP so, if there's some NLP tools that might help me, please tell me.

Many thanks for the reply.

M&M


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## David Baxter PhD (May 7, 2007)

So perhaps this is a coping strategy you developed against your mother's intrusiveness and to protect your privacy and autonomy.

And it worked to an extent in that context and at that time. It's what the Adlerians call an early "solution". The problem is that you're now trying to apply that "solution" in a different context and a different time where it's neither effective nor necessary.

In any case, the starting point is to recognize that you're doing it and that by now it's what is called an "automatic reaction" in cognitive behavior therapy (NLP is basically a stylized and heavily marketed version of CBT).


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## Me and myself (May 7, 2007)

> In any case, the starting point is to recognize that you're doing it and that by now it's what is called an "automatic reaction" in cognitive behavior therapy (NLP is basically a stylized and heavily marketed version of CBT).



Many thanks for the quick reply, David

And how can I eliminate this "automatic reaction"? Point me a direction, please.
I'm starting to develop a ressentment towards my mother and I feel the need to avoid her company and, as you understand, that's not the best solution.

M&M


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## David Baxter PhD (May 7, 2007)

Well, my first recommendation would be to see a therapist to get soem objective assistance in addressing the issue or issues.

If that isn't possible for some reason, I would suggest that you locate some decent books on CBT and relationships (with a broader focus than NLP).

Burns, David. The Feeling Good Handbook. Plume/Penguin, 1990 

Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Three Rivers Press, 2002

Harvey, John H. Odyssey of the Heart: The Search for Closeness, Intimacy, and Love. W.H. Freeman, 1994

Hendrix, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. HarperCollins, 2001 _(an irritating book in some ways but has some good exercises in part three)_

Welwood, John. Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love. Harper-Collins, 1996


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## Me and myself (May 7, 2007)

> Well, my first recommendation would be to see a therapist to get soem objective assistance in addressing the issue or issues.



Well, I'm affraid I can't afford it. I'll take a look at those books. There's another one I've been trying to find that some people sugested me. It's called *Absent Fathers, Lost Sons*. Have you read it? Do you think it can help me too?

M&M


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## David Baxter PhD (May 7, 2007)

No, I haven't but see Amazon.com: Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search for Masculine Identity (9780877736035): Guy Corneau: Books 

Also look at:

Forward, Susan, & Buck, Craig. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Bantam Books, 1990 

Whitfield, Charles L. A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook & Guide to Healing the Child Within. Health Communications, 1990 

You might find some of the literature on ACOA helpful too:

ADULT CHILDREN ANONYMOUS: CHARACTERISTICS OF ADULT CHILDREN

Adult Children of Alcoholics - Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families | Psychlinks.ca

Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse, Domestic Violence, or Dysfunctional Families | Psychlinks.ca


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## Me and myself (May 7, 2007)

Many thanks, David. You gave a lot of material to read. I hope I can find the answers I'm looking for.

Many thanks, once again.

M&M


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## David Baxter PhD (May 7, 2007)

One more that I highly recommend:

Real, Terrence. I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. Fireside Books, 1998


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## Me and myself (May 7, 2007)

Many thanks, David. I'll give them a go.

M&M


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## Always Changing (Jun 19, 2011)

Dr. David J. Baxter - Ottawa Psychologist | Mackenzie Thompson, Ottawa Counselling and Psychotherapy, Assessment | Psychology Mental Health Self-Help Resources

This link http:www.psychlinks.ca/pages/adult-children.htm goes directly to the above page, can it be fixed to go to the right page\article?





_DJB: Fixed. The correct link is www.psychlinks.ca/adult-children.htm_


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi there Me and myself....

You could also search this forum (search engine is upper right corner) and type in key words.  You might find something that will help you that way as well.

Depending on your situation, you never know, it could be healthy to restrict access to people who do not respect your boundaries.   Not that this is necessarily _exactly_ like your mother, but for example you could search for information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.


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## Always Changing (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi Jgjb,
I reactivated this thread because a link on the previous page does not  work correctly,  I am not sure if the original poster is still coming here.   
But *I* will indeed have a look at the search option. 

thank you .


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jun 19, 2011)

lol  Oh brother, I really gotta pay attention to the DATE!  

  Good grief...


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