# Coping With a Toxic Family Member



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 22, 2017)

*How to Handle a Toxic Family Member*
_Savvy Psychologist_
September 22, 2017

A toxic relative can blow up a Thanksgiving dinner, destroy a weekend  visit, and leave a path of destruction through a family vacation. They  bring new meaning to the term ?nuclear family.?

 You can?t cut the bad apples from the family tree, but that doesn?t  mean you have to let their poison spread from branch to branch. This  week, with big thanks to an anonymous listener in Vancouver, we?ll  reveal five options to distance yourself from a toxic person in your  family.

*How to Deal with Toxic Family Members
*


To get started, get clarity. 
Rewrite your part in the family drama. 
Test out new rules of engagement. 
Surf the wave. 
Cut ties, for a while or forever. 

*Option #1: To get started, get clarity.*
 With toxic family members, we are often blinded to reality. Sometimes  we?re blinded by optimism: we overlook their latest shenanigans because  we just want to smooth things over. We make excuses for them under the  guise of hope. We are loyal because they?re blood.

 But sometimes we?re blinded to the reality of the situation by  resentment. We ignore their efforts to reach out because we?re holding a  grudge. We think they?re being manipulative or aren?t capable of  change. Often that?s true, but sometimes it?s not.

 So start by trying to see things as they really are. A helpful way to  do this is to make a big list. On one side, write down the good  times ? those times you?ve felt supported by them, they came through for  you, you felt loved. On the other side, write out the bad times ? the  times they hurt you, ignored you when you needed help, or actively tried  to undermine or control you. Look at both frequency and magnitude.  Seeing your interactions in black and white can help you determine  whether your relationship deserves to be thrown a life preserver or is  essentially dead in the water.

*Option #2: Rewrite your part in the family drama.*
 Remember _As You Like It _from high school English class? ?All  the world?s a stage and all the men and women merely players.? But  here?s the little-remembered next line: ?They have their exits and their  entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.?

 If you?re stuck in family drama, maybe it?s time to play another  part. For instance, a 23-year-old client of mine ? we?ll call her  Riley ? realized her parents had unwittingly assigned her the role of  convincing her self-destructive brother to turn his life around while  they simultaneously covered for his DUIs and insisted he?d surely look  for a job any day now.

 Riley realized it was a losing battle to try and save him while her  parents enabled him. Only he could save himself, plus her parents needed  to gather the courage to talk to him directly rather than send her as  the messenger. Ultimately, Riley set some limits ? she wouldn?t act as  their go-between and she wouldn?t participate in phone calls where they  worried about him without taking action. She didn?t drop out of the  play, but she did rewrite her role.

*Option #3: Test out new rules of engagement.*
 A toxic family member is like a forest fire ? they need to be contained  by drawing some lines. There are lots of ways to contain how you  interact with them: you can set limits on the size of the group,  duration of contact, location, and more.

 For instance, you can decide you?re willing to visit but only if you  stay in a hotel. Perhaps you?ll only see them at big events like  weddings or funerals, not intimate gatherings. Maybe you?re willing to  see them when they?re less likely to be drinking, like kids? birthday  parties or brunch. Maybe texts and emails are fine, but not long,  draining, one-sided phone calls. Perhaps you?ll see them for a meal, but  nothing longer.

 Whatever rules of engagement you decide on, also include plans to  attend to relationships you might otherwise miss out on. Do your best to  see your toxic family member?s kids or spouse without them present.  Your toxic relative might foil your plans, but then again, they may not.  Give it a try, and you just might get to have your cake and eat it,  too.

 Estrangement is never easy, so it makes sense not to go it alone.

*Option #4: Surf the wave.*
 Family drama usually comes in predictable waves. Approximately midway  through a family vacation, for instance, or after 10 PM and a few  bottles of wine, or anytime there?s a funeral and the estate gets  divided. Once you know the pattern, you can plan. Your plan may be to  lay low until the drama blows over, or it may be to ride it out but take  extra good care of yourself during the height of the storm. Either way,  a little advance planning and testing the waters can keep you from  getting caught in the flood.

*Option #5: Cut ties, for a while or forever.*
 Estrangement is a paradoxical animal: it?s surprisingly common, but  most people keep it hidden. It?s drastic, but sometimes it?s the best  thing to do. It can be triggered by true injustices, but also by petty  reasons no one can even remember.

 In a study of almost 900 estranged families, the two most common reasons parents cut off their kids  were 



a sense of entitlement ? most often demanding money, or
what  the researchers called ?objectionable relationships,? like opposing a  child?s partner of a different race, the same sex, or simply the old  standby of ?a bad influence.?
 
 Adult children most often cut off their parents because of the  parent?s toxic behavior ? what the researchers described as continual  situations of ?cruelty, anger, or perpetual disrespect.? Adult kids also  cut ties when they felt unaccepted or rejected, perhaps due to a  disability, their sexual orientation, or that Hollywood divorce standby:  ?irreconcilable differences.?

 The average age of estrangement, at least in the study, was 31.  Interestingly, that?s about the age where people are starting or  settling in to families of their own. Indeed, sometimes a new baby  brings extended families together, but sometimes it creates a sense of  perspective, as in: ?I would never treat my child the way they treated  me,? which in turn triggers action.

 Regardless of how or why it?s initiated, estrangement drives mixed  emotions. If you go this route ? whether for a few weeks or the rest of  your life ? it?s okay to feel conflicted, especially at first. For  instance, you might feel tremendous relief, but you might also feel  sadness or grief, especially if you?re estranging yourself from a close  family member ? a parent, an adult child, a sibling. Just remember you?re  not crazy if you find yourself missing someone you never want to see  again.

 Of course, do your best to surround yourself with kindness and  support. Estrangement is never easy, so it makes sense not to go it  alone.

 A final note: these five ways to distance yourself from a toxic  family member all assume you?ve already done your best to work it out. I  know, I know, some people don?t listen, will never change, or just  twist your words and throw them back at you. When that happens, distance  is the way to go. After all, when your toxic family member overwhelms  your life with their issues, it?s okay to cancel your subscription.


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## Daniel (Sep 27, 2019)

Its Okay Not to Go Home for the Holidays | MEL Magazine

Recent research into estrangement may surprise you: It’s more common than you think. It’s on the rise. It’s not an impulsive act by a selfish jerk, but a considered move that comes after a long, slow accumulation of painful betrayals — death by a thousand cuts. And most importantly, for many people, it’s the best, healthiest thing they ever did. A lifesaver.


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