# Difficult to Overcome This...          *May Trigger*



## Cheyenne

I didn?t want to post again, I felt I had made a fool of myself enough previously, but I feel like I?ve dug myself a hole so deep I can?t get out of it, so I just die, in that hole, because I couldn't find a way out.

I tried reading things, in the last three hours I?ve tried reading about suicide, I?ve tried to forget about it, I tried to sleep, I tried to eat, I slightly mentioned my thoughts to a friend who promptly urged me not to do anything stupid and told me to call her tomorrow (It?s 3am here), and I tried laying down with my dog - Normally that stuff works and snaps me out of it in a heartbeat. I was thinking about just going and sitting on the bridge tomorrow morning if it?s nice and just trying to sort everything out, but I doubt it will work. I?ve cried more in the past few days than I have in years before, I can?t even stop it, I just randomly start crying which makes me feel even worse.

This year, 2006, has just tormented me. Every month starting in January something bad has happened, I?d tell myself, ?Well, it can?t get any worse.? And then the next month something worse would happen, up ?til now, April, where in just the past week at least three things have come up, along with many more things from this month alone, alongside events from months previous. I?ve got ten strikes, with many elements, against me and have formally dealt with only one and just that one took me two months. It?s like the world?s out to get me and is trying to take my good friend down with me (Of those 10 strikes, she was involved in 5). I can?t deal with it. I?m tired of it. I don?t need this, I just want away from it all, I don?t think it?s going to get anything but worse. The only friend I have contact with outside of school, besides the one that chose to completely betray and insult me today, is moving soon and I can?t talk to her about most of this because she was there, she?s dealing with it too.

My parents aren?t sure whether I SI or not despite the counselor telling them I did, so when they noticed fairly new injuries they threatened to ground me the next time I got hurt and then completely banning me from walking the dogs out to the area I take them off-leash to. Then my mom got mad at me for eating dinner on Tuesday so in rebellion I told her I?m not going to eat for a week/the rest of the week, she says she?s going to ground me and not allow me to walk the dogs ever again if I go through with it all the way. We?ve been bickering constantly and I can?t get far enough away from her, and my dad hasn?t even gone to Iraq yet. Here I am thinking about killing myself when the real test hasn?t even began. Last time she snapped my brother, this time she?s after me. I don?t need to be more grounded, which I?m positive that if she knew of this I would be.

I can?t even imagine life getting any worse for me right now, but it will, it always does. But what can I do now? I feel like I?m good as gone and nothing?ll snap me out of it. Obviously I have some doubts, or I would?ve done it already since there?s at least six different things I could use in my room alone - I?ve been thinking about it and seriously considering it for days. I talked to someone else and ran them ragged with one of the strikes (Literally!) and was fine for a day but then the feelings just returned. I thought of calling a hotline thing, but I can?t from the house phone, it?d show up on the bill for the cell phone, and, if it were even light out, there?s no payphones out here. I?d talk to the counselor I like, but just the thought of her contacting my parents and them yelling at me later steers me away from that. I haven?t even looked at her since the last time I talked to her on the fifth. And even if I did plan to talk to her we don't go back to school until Tuesday. It seems that it just gets worse with every passing day, I can't name a single good thing that happened this year.

I?m sorry if I?m bein? a pest, but any suggestions? I?m extremely close, but not quite ready to give up just yet. I don't know how much more I can take before my mind is completely made up.


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## Cat Dancer

Sorry things are going so rough for you. 

What about emailing someone?

There's a site, http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ that you can go to and email someone here: http://www.samaritans.org.uk/talk/email.shtm . They will email you back and it's all confidential. 

Hopefully someone will come along with better advice.


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## ThatLady

Can you fill us in a bit on some of the things that are happening, hon? Perhaps, if we have a little background on the kinds of things that are going on that are bringing you down, we can better help you deal with those things. Also, sometimes talking about what's actually happening and the problems we're facing helps us to deal with them better. When lots of things are going on at once, they tend to pile up and seem like one big, insurmountable problem. Dealing with them individually can make them seem less intimidating.


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## momof5

That Lady is so right. Try do deal with each one seperatly. Then it doesn't seem like there is such a mountain out there.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down right now.

You mentioned your Dad going to Iraq, is he in the service? My son was over there twice, once for the intial war and the second time he was in the suni triangle. He even volunteered a third time, but they would not let him go again.

I know as a mom that was hard to deal with, being a child of a parent, that has to be really really difficutl for you.

Try to post some of your things you are going through, unless it would be too stressful for you, but I think it will help those with the training to be able to help you better.


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## Cheyenne

Thanks for the link, I may try emailing someone.

I can give you some of the things going on.

In February there was the thing with my friend, a neighbor, also the mother of another friend, called the police on my friend?s step-dad after he repeatedly hit her little brother and sister leaving bruises. I was there before and for a while after the police showed up, nothing happened and my friend ended up in a lot of trouble. I felt responsible. This is the only situation I?ve handled by talking to the counselor and it doesn?t affect me anymore.
In March I ran into a shady group of people while with a friend and four little kids she was babysitting. We got in a confrontation; the shady group of people hit one of the kids in the head with a rock, caused the youngest to fall from a 7ft drop, and threatened all our lives. My friend called the police and left me to deal with it. I found out that the friend I was with cuts herself, which is really the only part that affected me; especially since it was the day after the counselor I?d called my parents for pretty much the same thing.

And then this month I found out that a once very good friend that moved has become anorexic and has been drinking. I feel at least somewhat responsible for the eating disorder - Since she?d always get mad at me because that was the way I ate I?d jokingly encourage her to eat that way while she lived in the state. She took my horrible advice. I talked with a good friend about it while doing our run in Gym class, and, I didn't realize it at the time, but I ran her to the point she almost passed out just trying to keep up because I was upset and wasn't getting tired at a full sprint. The other day my good friend and I were scolded by strangers and were threatened that two different people were going to call the police but called that person instead and he came out with a lady with a pipe saying that we had pointed the gun at the people while in reality we had our back to the street and houses and were shooting cans and bottles off a fence. He said we could get charged with the destruction of the fence post and street lights even though we had nothing to do with it, then told us to get out of there before someone did call the police. The gun?s sitting here on my desk. I found out that my good friend started cutting herself again and, unknown to me, was being forced to see a psychiatrist by her step-dad but hadn?t been going. I wasn?t there for her when I should have been, so she resorted back to that - My fault, again. And yesterday there was an altercation between the friend whose mother called the police in February and neighbors down the street. My friend and I got stuck in the middle of it because we were there, but didn?t say anything to cause anger towards us. And yesterday a person I?ve gotten along with for four years turned and insulted me terribly.

That?s not all of what?s going on, but just a general idea. And that?s all alongside the problems with my parents and my own SI problems. 

My dad?s a Polygrapher on Fort Carson, it?ll be his second time being sent over to Iraq. My dad going to Iraq never affected me except the one time I watched the Nick Berg video, I could vividly imagine him in that chair instead, my mom?s the one causing problems. The first time he went my mom drove both me and my brother crazy, and at some points during that time I would?ve considered myself suicidal and my good friends and pets would be there to bring me back to earth, but my brother didn?t have that, twice during that year the police were called for physical fights between my mom and brother, and he was suspended from school for months straight, causing him to have to go to summer school to graduate in his class. He was her main target then, I just got what was left over, but now that he moved out I?ll be her main target and I know I can NOT take that with everything else going on. I doubt I could take that if everything else was going well. I can predict what?s going to happen, and just knowing what?s in store for me, I want to give up now, things won?t get better, they?ll only continue to get worse. I have nothing to look forward to, the bad will always far outweigh the good. What?s the point?


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## Halo

Hey Cheyenne,

I am also sorry that you are feeling so down and the only thing that I can say is that I hope you get the help you need and you deserve because you are worth it. You are not being a pest and if there is anything that I can do for you...please just let me know. I too have been in your situtation before with not knowing if I could take the pressure and feeling so down and wanting to give up and until I could get to see my therapist, I came on this forum and it really helped get me through the hard times. 

I don't know if this is helpful but just try to hang on and remember that I do care.

Take Care
Nancy


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## momof5

> the only thing that I can say is that I hope you get the help you need and you deserve because you are worth it.


I totally agree with Nancy here.

I say work at each thing one step at a time. Life is a journey of a thousand steps that we take each step at a time.

and everyone who lives on this earth is worth the life that the good lord gives to them. 

Each one of us has something special and unique to offer to the world and to the people around us.

It sounds like your mom has such difficutly handling your dad's leaving. And it is hard to deal with.

When my son left here to go to war in Iraq, the first few days I could not do anything. I kept the pillow that he slept on, and would smell it so tht I could breath in his essence.

And since he was security around the big wigs over there, I could not kow where he was at all, that was soo hard to handle. I would dread every car that came down the road.

I also used to have dreams after the first beheading that it would happen to my son. It was so horrible. Once when he was home, he knew the links to them and showed them to my husband. I asked them to lower the volume as I did not wish to hear it. Nor did I wish to see it. I don't think that should have been online at all.

I'm also sorry to hear that your mom takes her problems out on you. That isn't fair. It would be nice if you could talk to her about it.

Just remember that everyone is here for you, and even though it is natural to think that you are to blame for others choices in life that are around you. It isn't your fault. We have choices to make in life and we make the decisions, *not* the people around us.

Just stand tall, be proud of who you are, and work on yourself. Sure it isn't easy, but in the end, it is so worth it.


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## ThatLady

Right on, momof5. There's no way that we should hold ourselves responsible for the life decisions of others. Each of us must take responsibility for our own decisions.

Sounds like you're going through a really rough patch, Cheyenne. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. One thing that might help is to divide all these things that have happened into sets of things you can do something about and things you can't. Get to work on those you can improve and put the others behind you. Those that should be put behind you need to include those where others made decisions that weren't, perhaps, the best decisions they could have made. Those decisions were theirs, not yours, and are not your responsibility.

I'm really sorry about your mom, as well, hon. I'm sure your father's leaving is having an effect on both of you. As momof5 said, it's a shame you two can't sit down and talk this out. You could be of great support for one another during this hard time.


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## Cheyenne

Thanks, all of you. I really appreciate it.
I did email the Samaritans thing, I?m not sure if it?ll do any good, but it?s worth a shot I guess.

How would I be able to tell which situations I can improve on and which I can?t?

The thing is, I?ve never really learned how to get over things or just put them behind me. I can recognize things are not involving me but still be extremely affected by them. The thing in February was not my fault, not my problem, I wasn?t involved in the slightest besides actually being there when the police were, but I couldn?t get over that or drop it until I talked to the counselor I like about it. That?s the only thing that worked. But since she called my parents I?m terrified of her, I avoid parts of the school she might be at and when I do come across her I look at the floor and try to get away. I can?t talk to many people about anything at all, let alone my problems, but of those I can, nothing they would say made the same difference the counselor did. And I haven?t been able to find a different way to get over or put things behind me. I don?t deal with them and if the feelings they cause do go away it?s only temporary.

Today I treated myself to walking both dogs off-leash (Usually only done on Wednesdays) because I like to and I was hoping that it?d at least reduce the feelings so I could take a step back and try to work it out. But nooo, it only made it worse. My dog split her foot open and was bleeding everywhere and once we got back, of course, my mom was quick to yell at me and make me feel more guilty about it than I already did. Here was my dog, my reason for living, my reason to keep going, and I caused her extreme pain and discomfort. There?s no way of flipping it that can make it seem any less of my fault. Just looking at her brings me back to tears.

I realize that my dad going to Iraq isn?t easy for my mom, but it seems like she?s always the same, just when my dad is there he keeps her calm, and when he?s not there, for a few days or for a year, she?s just a pain. He?s not even leaving ?til later in the year, he just has training now. Provided that I do get through this, which I have doubts about, I?ll still be stuck with her from now until my dad gets back from Iraq - Not until late 2007. So I?d just be holding on to go through more suffering.
Neither of my parents know about half the stuff I?m going through, they?d just get mad, ground me, or tell me to stay away from certain people, my friends.

I want to believe it will get better, honestly I do, but recent events have made it impossible for me to be able to believe that. I want to give up now, I don?t know why I haven?t been able to yet, I just need to get it over with.


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## David Baxter PhD

> Today I treated myself to walking both dogs off-leash (Usually only done on Wednesdays) because I like to and I was hoping that it?d at least reduce the feelings so I could take a step back and try to work it out. But nooo, it only made it worse. My dog split her foot open and was bleeding everywhere and once we got back, of course, my mom was quick to yell at me and make me feel more guilty about it than I already did. Here was my dog, my reason for living, my reason to keep going, and I caused her extreme pain and discomfort. There?s no way of flipping it that can make it seem any less of my fault.



Cheyenne, I live with a dog and three cats. Animals do things like this. Then we look after them until the cut or whatever it is has healed. That's part of having a pet. It's not your "fault" that your dog cut his foot... it would only be your "fault" if you negelected your dog afterward, and ignored the injury and did nothing to clean it and do whatever else it needed to recover from the cut.


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## momof5

> The thing is, I?ve never really learned how to get over things or just put them behind me. I can recognize things are not involving me but still be extremely affected by them.



Learning how to get over things is the first step. Also, I think there is another part of this as well. Learning to get over is one portion of this all, However, this doesn't mean that we forget what we have been through, which is another portion to learn how to deal with.



> The thing in February was not my fault, not my problem, I wasn?t involved in the slightest besides actually being there when the police were, but I couldn?t get over that or drop it until I talked to the counselor I like about it.



Sometimes things that we aren't involved in that happen around us still affect us because we are caring people. I can see how caring you are because of your dogs and how close to them you are.

And there is nothing wrong with caring, however, we can't accept the guilt of the world on our shoulders, of which we all soemtimes do when we have things that we have to work on.



> I want to believe it will get better, honestly I do, but recent events have made it impossible for me to be able to believe that. I want to give up now, I don?t know why I haven?t been able to yet, I just need to get it over with.



Believeing that you wan't to get better is a good step. It is a good thought process, and one that you need to burn into your thought process.

You have a gift that you need to recognize that is precious to you, and that is life. The next thing that you have is yourself, and that you are precious and important in life.

Sure, it might not be easy for you to decide which issues to deal with first or how to go about figuring them out.

Maybe for you, it should be one issue at a time? What is the hardest issue for you to deal with? Take that one, think about it, and think if it is really something that is you, or if it is soemone else that you are taking on as being something of yourself.

I think something else I have picked up on is an intense guilt on your part. One that is not only for yourself, but for what happens to others around you.

Seperation of things is needed for you. Try to figure out what it is that is ONLY on you, not on someone else, and because of what they chose to do with their lives. 

then, think about what you need to work on the most, and those that are qualifed in here will help you with it.

One thing to remember, say this to yourself each day, I am special, I am unique, I am important. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that each day. And you will begin to believe it. I believe that you are speical and important. You love animals, and that says something very special about you. Doc can tell you how much of an animal lover I am. 

So, *you are unique, you are special, and you are important*.


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## cm

Hello Cheyenne,
I just wanted to thank you for joining this forum. I think that sharing your situation is courageous, and also helps others who are trying to find their way through difficult times too. 
Some of the circumstances that you describe were similar to mine, years ago. My father was going overseas, my mother was in an unpredictable state, and I was in severe depression and did not know where to turn. What a confusing and desperate time it had been. Kind of like being caught out in the middle of a storm during a long and overwhelming journey on foot. It seemed like I would never get out of that storm. I did not know how. I could not see beyond the storm that surrounded me. I also had a wonderful dog at the time. I would talk to the dog and cry with the dog and hug the dog. It seems kind of foolish to some people, but when I looked at the dog's eyes I believed she understood how I was feeling, at least to some extent, and it was very comforting. Anyways, I kept on with the journey tried to find hope and direction from caring, trustworthy sources. I tried to make decisions for myself that would keep me as healthy as possible. I came out of the storm with more knowledge and appreciation for what is important in my life. I find on my journey other people who are also struggling, and I try my best to listen to them with a greater understanding. Please know that you are not alone, that we care and have an appreciation for what you are going through at this time. We are with you and we are here for you(Thanks Dr. B. again for this site). Please let us know how things are going. 
I think your dog's paw will probably heal fine. Mine also got an injured paw as I walked them everyday for the exercise and I think he stepped on glass, but it healed up fine after a while. I think animals have a chemical in their saliva that promotes healing (I think that's what I read) Maybe someone else on the forum has more info on this. Anyway, let us know how it's doing.
cm


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## Cheyenne

You?re right, Dr. Baxter. What you said put me back to the thinking I had before my mom yelled at me about it and made me feel horrible. Thank you. We cleaned and wrapped her foot to stop the bleeding and today she?s back to normal without it wrapped. I?ll just need to be a little more careful where I take them next time. One down, ten to go.

I can?t pinpoint which one is most difficult to deal with, but probably the self-injury of my best friend and finding out another once good friend is anorexic. Neither of those have to do with me, but I feel like I can relate, sort of, because I SI and neither of them know, and I eat the same way as the one that has been diagnosed as anorexic. And it?s hard for me to believe that they do those things, nor do I know why they do those things.
Thanks, momof5, I?ll try that.

Thank you for sharing that, cm, it really helped me see that it is possible to get through this. Any other specific things that really helped you get through it?

Ice, a friend who I?d trust with my life, told me something today, he said that he?d been emailing the coordinator for SAFE:TEEN, a local suicide prevention and education thing. He said that she said she could hook me up with either a person from the SAFE:TEEN program or a private counselor (Possibly free of charge) without my parents knowing. I don?t know about it, but he wants me to at least talk to the coordinator and said he?s going to give her my (cell) phone number. I?m not sure, but he said that if I?ll at least talk to her that he?ll drop it and respect my wishes, so I agreed. He knows more about any of this than I could possibly ever know, I can?t help but trust him. What do you all think?


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## momof5

> I can?t help but trust him. What do you all think?



If you think this person is trustworthy, then follow your heart, but please wait and see what david or Thatlady have to say as they are the ones trained in this.

also check out any information in regards to the site. If you are going to contact someone at least know what the site is about.

Just don't forget that you are special. I think once you realize that you will feel better. IT isn't always easy to handle things around us when we have triggers that set things off. No matter where you are in life there are always challanges to be handled, and we need to learn how to handle them. I think the right counselor will be able to help you.


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## ThatLady

I'm somewhat familiar with Safe:Teen as an organization that provides education to teens in schools with regard to suicide. That's about the extent of my knowledge of them, but I have heard that they do some good work. I think speaking with the counsellor, as your friend suggested, might be a really good idea, hon. If she/he can help you to find someone to talk with about these issues, that can only be a good thing.


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## Cheyenne

I think I?ve now lost choice in the situation.

Apparently the person my buddy, Ice, was emailing sent a copy of all the emails to the school, and I got called to see the school?s resource officer. He said that there were also two other people in the school that had ?expressed concern? for my well-being, and since my friend never gave my name I?d assume that that?s how they figured out who it was. I pleaded with him not to call my parents and we came to an agreement on how to go about that. He had me write and sign a promise stating that I would not harm myself in ANY way, which is turning out to be a lot harder than expected, and then he said that he was going to try to find someone to see me without my parents knowing about it. I assume that getting help is a major part of the deal to avoid getting my parents called despite it never being directly stated. This happened yesterday and ever since I?ve been extremely jumpy/nervous and I can?t seem to control it. But I guess I can blame that on knowing that the Resource Officer is going to get back to me and that my friend said one of the people from SAFE:TEEN is going to call me at some point.

Thank you for all your help and support, I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. I'll try not to forget, momof5 
And I must echo what CM said, thank you Dr. Baxter for this site, it?s really helped a lot.


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## David Baxter PhD

Sometimes having your choices narrowed down can be a good thing.

Good luck, Cheyenne.


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## Cheyenne

It?s been awhile since I started this, I felt I should share what has happened. 

As I had predicted, things got worse, it was horrible. I was SO close, to the point I put myself in a position that I could have done it, but made a phone call instead. I talked to someone, not a friend and not a hotline worker, just an understanding person from SAFE:TEEN, and what they said really hit home, they convinced me to wait just one day. I don?t think they know it, but she truly saved my life. The next day during school I talked to a counselor and the social worker, my parents were called. Long story short, my mom took me to the hospital and they gave me an ambulance ride to a psychiatric facility. I stayed for 4-5 days, a day or two longer than the 72 hour-hold I was originally on. The doctor there said something about Major Depression and wrote me a prescription for Zoloft. I?m rather happy with the medication, I?m not having those thoughts anymore, I have more energy, and I?ve been getting along better with my parents. I also have to see a therapist, as part of the conditions of being out of the facility, I didn?t have a choice over who I see. She?s nice, but I saw her once and won?t see her again until June because she?s going on a two-week vacation, and since I?m really shy it?s awkward for me to be tossed in a room with someone I don?t know and be expected to tell them what was going on. I would have preferred to just see the social worker, but was told I couldn?t because the social worker specialized in different things than the therapist they want me to see. The thing is, I was 100% honest with the social worker, but with the therapist I wasn?t, I told the therapist I did not ever injure myself because I knew she?d tell my parents. I?m sure that they?ve had enough.

Overall, I?m pretty optimistic, and, in a way, I?m kind of happy it turned out the way it did. I met a lot of people around my age at the psychiatric facility, some in similar situations, it was really a learning experience. The medication has helped a lot, a few people (that don?t know) have commented about the positive change in my behavior. Also, I am working on regaining at least some of the weight I lost during the time I was thinking of suicide, and haven?t injured myself in any way since March, which I?m pretty happy about.

I know I?ve said it a lot, but I?ll say it again. Thank you all for all the support and care you?ve shown, the advice you have given, I know I really appreciate it and I am sure others do too.


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## ThatLady

Good news, Cheyenne! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better! :yahoo:


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## David Baxter PhD

Well done, Cheyenne!


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## just mary

That's wonderful Cheyenne, I'm so glad you're feeling better and taking care of things.


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## Halo

Congratulations Cheyenne on getting the help you needed. I am proud of you. 

Take Care
Nancy


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## Diana

That sounds so great . As far as the therapist goes, just take it one step at a time.


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Cheyenne  said:
			
		

> I can?t pinpoint which one is most difficult to deal with, but probably the self-injury of my best friend and finding out another once good friend is anorexic. Neither of those have to do with me, but I feel like I can relate, sort of, because I SI and neither of them know, and I eat the same way as the one that has been diagnosed as anorexic.


Hi, I maybe joining this convo topic late, I'm not sure. But I felt the need to reply to this paragraph in particular. When I began injuring myself again last year, a collection of my close friends and family knew about it, (friend saw.. and actually CALLED my father, who in turn called my uncle for advice) anyway, many of them took it really badly. With feelings mixed with anger at me, to feeling responcible for it happening. But they wern't responcible. no-one was. it was a 'click' that my brain was set to, and due to the high levels of stress and emotion prior to the SI begining again, it didn't take alot for that 'click' (to hurt myself) to resurfice. But you cannot blame yourself for either of those situations, EVEN if you think you may have prompted the anorexia by saying something you shouldn't have. 
Worrying about your friends is good, and relating to them is fantastic because it allows you to be empathetic towards them, and understand when they talk to you about how they are feeling. 
However, with everything that you are feeling bogged down by recently, I wouldn't make that your priority... You know on aeroplanes, when they are doing the safty video? When it comes to the oxygen masks falling from the ceiling, they always prompt you to secure your own mask before securing the masks of those around you. Because they know that, .. you won't be very good to anyone if you pass out. The same rule applies. I am not saying dwell on your own problems, but before you feel to overpowerd by the "problems that you may have caused" focus on how much of it (it-your friends issues) you can juggle with your own. 
and hon...in the big scheme of things.... you are not responcible for the illness of either friend.


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## Cheyenne

Yeah, I know that I?m not responsible for their problems, but it?s a lot easier to say that now that things have calmed than when everything seemed to be going wrong. That example with the airplane, it really makes sense, a reality check for me, thanks for posting it. Relating with my friends could be good, if I could tell them, even my best friend doesn?t know I SI, I?ve lied to her about the scars for years. Sometimes I just want to scream it out to the world, the sneaking around, the lying, the pain of stumbling while trying to quit, it?s just so demanding. And with another slip up recently, I?ve realized that my progress with it depends on something I have absolutely no control of - something that could be easily taken away. Which is even more reason for me to want to tell someone, so that I can get help for that, too.

I did call the person from SAFE:TEEN back, thanked them and gave them a little update, and that really made me feel a lot better

I come here every day, I don?t log in, but I read what everyone has posted, I like to see everyone?s progress and it gives me confidence that I CAN make it through all of this. And it makes me happy, just to read about other people?s progress and how they?re feeling better.

I?m no longer in therapy, not because I made any progress whatsoever from getting out of the psychiatric facility, but because my therapist and I simply could not get along. She?d ask me simple questions like how much I slept or ate or what I did a certain day, and when I answered her honestly she?d respond with ?I don?t believe that.? and have me tell her something else, often something completely false. So within three sessions I started completely refusing to talk to her and was telling my parents I was not willing to talk to her. After six or seven sessions we just dropped it, and I don?t know when I?m getting another therapist, probably not until late July.

And things with my parents have just returned to the way they were before, yelling at and insulting me, though they haven?t threatened to get rid of my dog anymore. 

Honestly this whole thing seems to have become a roller coaster - Things got progressively worse until I was on the verge of taking my own life, then things were fine when I first got out of the psychiatric facility and was first put on Zoloft, but now it seems that I?m feeling no better, maybe even worse... And This reply is a lot longer than I expected to make it, so I?ll just stop here. Thanks for reading.


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## foghlaim

hi Cheyenne, 
Sorry to hear things didn't go soo well with your therapist, it can be hard to find the right person to click with. I hope when you do get to meet your new one in July things will improve greatly for you. 
I'm glad to hear you can ring the Safe_Teen org, and i think you could continue to ring them as often as you feel the need to, for suppport and understanding while u wait for your new apt to come up.
Are you still on the Zoloft? if so and it's not working for you, maybe you could go back to doc and explain how things are going for you, it might mean you need a change in med or an addition to the zoloft.
and i'm glad you find coming here helpful, even if you don't log in all the time, but can i say this to you, do log in and say what's going on for you, i'm sure ppl here will have advice and will offer support as well ok.

I hope your new therapist is a lot bettter than the olld one, i have to say from what i read, i don't blame you for not going to her.

hope you feel better soon,

thinking of you

nsa.


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## ThatLady

I'm really sorry things have been so difficult for you, Cheyenne. I understand why you stopped seeing that particular therapist. If you're not getting help, and you feel you can't connect with her, it's more frustrating than anything else. I hope you can find someone you like as soon as possible. It really helps to have someone to talk to. In the meantime, you have us. We're here for you anytime you want to talk.

Do see your doctor as soon as you can. You may need a change of doseage for your Zoloft, or another medication, either alone or in conjunction with the Zoloft. It takes a bit to find the right medication, or combination of medications, to do the job.

I'll be thinking of you. Please, stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.


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## Cheyenne

I am still on the Zoloft, sort of, when I got out they had me on 50mg, and the Doc said we could up it to 75mg between appointments if I leveled off without improvement. Since it was between appointments when it was changed my parents dropped it back to 50mg so it would last until the next appointment. And now my parents haven?t given it to me at all the past few days. Which is probably why there?s issues now. I don?t know when the next appointment with the Doc is.

Things aren?t too horribly bad right now, but are certainly getting worse, fast. I?ve been more or less setting myself up to get hurt - I recognize it and still do it, then try to pick up the pieces later. It just doesn?t work. If I reach that point again I don?t think I will be as hesitant to call someone, but it took a short time of feeling better to realize how unreasonable my thinking was at the time. I?m just so confused and I feel like I?m just a hassle to everyone around me.

And with the therapist, my mom asked me if I would talk to the social worker on the day I stopped seeing the therapist, I said yes and since then there has been no talk of it. IF I do see the social worker, though since my mom?s offering me it now but wouldn?t let me before I have doubts, then I won?t be seeing anyone until school starts up again. It would be nice if I wasn?t kept in the dark about these things.

Thanks for reading, even as I rant pointlessly.
And a special one - Thank You for caring.


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## David Baxter PhD

Why did your parents stop giving you the Zoloft? Have you asked them?


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## foghlaim

hello Cheyenne, i just want to say that you are not ranting pointlessly... also i wan to let you know that we are listening and we do care .. so please do keep "talking to us here"..

As regards your parents not giving you the zoloft these past few days,, i'm not a doctor so i'll let Dr.B comment on that. tho i'm of the mind it isn't right to stop medication just llike that.  DR. B??????

could you ask your mother about the social worker again, remind her maybe? 
and maybe you could also ask when your next apt with the doc is.

like i said before there are more qualified ppl on here to help you than i, but i am thinking of you and hope you get to see either your social worker or new therapist soon.


best wishes.

nsa


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## foghlaim

oh sorry Dr.B.. didn't see your response there before i poste d mmine..


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## Cat Dancer

You're definitely not ranting pointlessly. I'm glad you can come here and talk about these things. 

I think it is a positive thing that you say you won't be so hesitant to call someone if you get to a really bad point again. 

You're not a burden to anyone here.


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## David Baxter PhD

She was on a pretty low dose to begin with but you're right - it's never a good idea to stop medications suddenly without checking with the doctor.


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## Cheyenne

I do not know why my parents stopped giving me the Zoloft, they gave it to me today, the 75mg. I did not ask them, and am unwilling to ask them, because I really don?t want to get insulted or yelled at any more. I?m back at avoiding them. More proof of just how pathetic I am, unwilling to confront my own parents. However, I did snoop through my mom?s stuff while they were sleeping and found out that my next appointment with the Doc is July 7th. 
And I?m going out of state a few days later, thankfully I?ll be away from my parents, but I?ll also be away from my dogs and other pets (Which I?m extremely protective over and don?t feel that my parents can take care of properly), and I?ll be staying with people I haven?t seen in years for two weeks. The whole thing just seems like a very bad idea to me.

I just feel awkward/bad coming here, because you all go out of your way to talk to me, but I don?t do the same for you because I?m painfully bad at that. I feel extremely selfish because I do that. I log in, post my reply here, then immediately log off so that I won?t post elsewhere even if I do have something that might be worth saying. That?s why I feel like a burden here, elsewhere I feel like a burden because I know I am one.


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## ThatLady

You're not a burden at all, Cheyenne. You're one of us, and none of us is a burden. We're just people reaching out to one another. That's what people should do, and we're very lucky to have this place where we're accepted and important. 

I'm glad to hear you're back on your Zoloft. Don't feel too bad about not confronting your parents. That's not an easy thing for anyone to do. Heck, I still take more off my mother than I would off someone else. It's just the nature of the relationship.

Is there some reason why you're going to stay with people you barely know? Is there a possibility, if you really don't want to go, that you might not have to go? It might be something to discuss with your therapist during your next appointment.


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## Halo

Hi Cheyenne,

I just wanted to echo some of what TL said. I do not think of you as a burden at all. I am grateful that you are here and if we can help or support you any way we can than that is good. I think that there are probably others on this forum that just can't or don't want to post for various reasons and that is okay. Nobody should feel like they have to post replies and you can only do what you can and with what you feel comfortable with. I know for me when I first started posting on this forum I didn't post much about what others wrote but more of questions that I needed help with. For me that was all I could handle at the time. There are still times that I find that I can't reply sometimes as I just don't have the energy and that is okay. Some days it is just too much and the most I can do is read and try to absorb what is being posted. 

Anyway, I didn't want to go too much off topic but I just wanted you to know that I in no way think that you are a burden and I never will. Again I am happy that you are here for whatever reasons you feel you need to be. I hope that you continue on the medication and can talk with your therapist in July.

Take care and I/We are always here for you.
Nancy


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## foghlaim

> I just feel awkward/bad coming here, because you all go out of your way to talk to me, but I don?t do the same for you because I?m painfully bad at that. I feel extremely selfish because I do that. I log in, post my reply here, then immediately log off so that I won?t post elsewhere even if I do have something that might be worth saying. That?s why I feel like a burden here, elsewhere I feel like a burden because I know I am one.


cheyenne.. that's the beauty of this forum.. you don't have to post or reply.. only when YOU feel up to it or want to .. whatever you are comfortable with is ok. 
and like the others above have said.. you are NOT a burden in any way.. we are glad to have you here, and we are here for each other and that includes you.

thinking of you 

nsa


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## Cat Dancer

I just wanted to second what nsa and Nancy and ThatLady have said. 

And one thing I like about your posts, Cheyenne, is your love for your animals. That makes me feel good. I love animals too.


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## Cheyenne

I?m going to stay with people I don?t know well because they?re my relatives; grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, all those people. I haven?t seen them since 2000 or 2001. And there?s no way I can get out of it, I?ve already asked. And I?m going well before I?ll even have another therapist.

I?m kind of curious about the Zoloft, there?s four days worth of it left, if they give me 50mg for three days and 25mg on the fourth day, but the appointment with the Doc isn?t until the seventh of July. I guess I?ll just wait and see what happens with that.

Animals are great, I can?t think of anything better.

I just don?t feel well, I haven?t been eating, I?m extremely paranoid about everything, I feel bad for my dog because she?s having a bout of pano, I feel bad about a dog I found a while back, I?ve been crying again, I feel bad that I got the dog I walk in a situation where I had to physically defend him from getting injured, and my parents and everyone else out here are starting to tick me off. It?s all so familiar. Honestly I think I?d rather be in therapy right about now. I need to get out of this cycle.

I know I don?t have to reply to other topics, but I?d like to, I just?can?t. To partially make up for that void I will say: You all will always have my support, I may not say it directly, but it?s there. You?re really a great group of people, even when you?re making fun of each other, mainly Dr. Baxter or Toeless 
Thanks.


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## David Baxter PhD

Cheyenne, often a drug store/pharmacy will give you enough medication to tide you over until your doctor's appointment, especially with something like Zoloft (an SSRI).


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## foghlaim

sometimes over here we can ring doc,, (sometimes we get his secrtary) explain what we need and why,, and doc will usually send scrip to the chemist\ pharmacy and all u do is pick it up. 

hope u get it sorted cause i think you need all the help and support you can get right now,

hope u feel better soon ok.

nsa


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Cheyenne  said:
			
		

> I do not know why my parents stopped giving me the Zoloft, they gave it to me today, the 75mg. I did not ask them, and am unwilling to ask them, because I really don?t want to get insulted or yelled at any more. I?m back at avoiding them. More proof of just how pathetic I am, unwilling to confront my own parents. However, I did snoop through my mom?s stuff while they were sleeping and found out that my next appointment with the Doc is July 7th.
> And I?m going out of state a few days later, thankfully I?ll be away from my parents, but I?ll also be away from my dogs and other pets (Which I?m extremely protective over and don?t feel that my parents can take care of properly), and I?ll be staying with people I haven?t seen in years for two weeks. The whole thing just seems like a very bad idea to me.
> 
> I just feel awkward/bad coming here, because you all go out of your way to talk to me, but I don?t do the same for you because I?m painfully bad at that. I feel extremely selfish because I do that. I log in, post my reply here, then immediately log off so that I won?t post elsewhere even if I do have something that might be worth saying. That?s why I feel like a burden here, elsewhere I feel like a burden because I know I am one.


hi Cheyenne, 
your parents stopped the zoloft and then started you on them again? I don't know much about the drug, but would assume that this is bad for your body?? anyone know??
I hope your 'holiday' goes ok. I know its scary to stay with people you can't remember... I lived for two months with my uncle and cousins that I had never met before, when I was feeling really bad. I missed my dog terribly too, but staying with them was the best thing for me, getting me out of my depressing environment, and getting me stronger so that i could make the next decisions in my life. 
deary, don't feel bad coming here. the reason that so many people post here, is because most of them have had similar experiances to what your going through and WANT to help others. there isn't a rule to say that you have to help other posters. infact, alot of posters have experianced the same guilt that you are so don't worry about it. Guilt goes hand in hand with depression anyway, so the less you feel guilty about, the better. 
x


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## Cheyenne

My parents refilled the prescription, though they didn?t give it to me today or yesterday, they keep forgetting. They get mad because I don?t remind them, but I don?t have the energy and they?ll just insult me more if I remind them. It?s really irritating. I was wrong about the doctors appointment, my parents rescheduled it because of my trip, so I went to the doctor today. All that happened was they changed the prescription officially to 75 mg, told me I?d be on Zoloft for at least a year, took more blood, and gave my parents a recommendation for a new therapist.

Honestly, I?m almost back to where I was when I started this; the randomly breaking into tears; daydreaming about ways to off myself - which I was doing today when I was sitting alone in the hospital room waiting for the doctor; lack of focus; snapping at people; lack of energy? I could go on. I had a serious episode yesterday, pacing, breathing heavily, and could think of nothing other than causing severe harm to myself. I did SI, but that?s minor compared to what I would?ve done had I been home alone during this time. Yesterday was just a bad day and I?m actually pretty surprised I got off with just the injuries I did. And that episode just has me more worried about my trip out of state soon, I don?t think logically when I?m like this, I?m not really sure I should be in unfamiliar territory, a stressor for me, when I?m like this, but I really have no choice. I?ll just have to hope for the best, and try to stay distracted. My parents think I?m fine, how funny they are, they apparently haven?t noticed that in the past week or so I?ve been tuning them out with music or ignoring them completely and that any time I talk/respond to them it?s coupled with an insult or smart remark. Just like before, shortly before I got sent to the psychiatric institute. It strikes me as weird that they seem so oblivious to it, a lot of comments, particularly from today and yesterday, would normally trigger a smack across the face from my mom. I?m a horrible child. But it?s like I?m a totally different person depending on where I?m at, what I?m doing, and what time it is. I?m consistently depressed and the thoughts of suicide are becoming more prominent once again; but the aggression towards my parents, I can neither explain it nor control it.

One thing is, my mom confirmed today that she is going to try to have me see the social worker, and now that is extremely concerning. I?ve become extremely self-conscious and have been thinking of the worst possible thing that can happen in any given situation and automatically assume that it?s going to happen and therefore feel bad about it. Among other things, the social worker is definitely one thing I?ve been worrying pointlessly about. I DID tell the social worker that I SI, but, my parents don?t know that. If I see the social worker I am terrified that she will tell my parents that I SI and that things will go further downhill. And the only other option, that I know of, is the therapist that the doctor recommended today, my parents asked for the guys information and they have it now, but I?m not sure if they?re going to contact him and see or not.

?I think I?m just losing my mind.
 Thank you very much for caring and reading this. 
Though, I?m sorry that you probably just spent five or more minutes of your time reading one of my mindlessly long and pointless posts that was most likely extremely confusing and hard to follow. I?m really sorry.


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## Cat Dancer

Cheyenne, I read your post and it wasn't long and pointless. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. You're not a horrible child at all. 

I am not good at giving advice for what to do, but I wanted to let you know that I care and my thoughts are with you.


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## ThatLady

Cheyenne, your posts are neither overly long, or pointless. These are things you feel you need to get out on the table. It's very important that you do that. That's the purpose of these boards. It's why we're all here. We may not have all the answers, but we're here to support one another, and to listen.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly, and feel you don't have the support of those close to you. I remember those feelings, and they're not easy to deal with. I hope, when you're feeling particularly low, and you can, that you'll come here and tell us about it. Sometimes, getting it out can be, at least, somewhat helpful.


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## David Baxter PhD

It wasn't confusing or mindless, Cheyenne.

What worries you so much about the social worker? It seems like you have been somewhat more disclosing to her and that may be helpful.

As for the Zoloft and being on it for a year, that's just the nature of this type of medication. I generally tell people to expect to be on it for at least 12-18 months because going off it earlier is usually a guarantee of a relapse.

Also, at 75 mg, you are still on quite a low dose. If that doesn't help to relieve your depression, that can be increased.


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## ThatLady

David Baxter  said:
			
		

> It wasn't confusing or mindless, Cheyenne.
> 
> What worries you so much about the social worker? It seems like you have been somewhat more disclosing to her and that may be helpful.
> 
> As for the Zoloft and being on it for a year, that's just the nature of this type of medication. I generally tell people to expect to be on it for at least 12-18 months because going off it earlier is usually a guarantee of a relapse.
> 
> Also, at 75 mg, you are still on quite a low dose. If that doesn't help to relieve your depression, that can be increased.



I think part of the problem with the Zoloft is that Cheyenne isn't getting it regularly. She must depend on her parents to dispense it, and they're not doing so regularly.


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## Peanut

Maybe I missed where you said the reason, but why are your parents dispensing the Zoloft? Why don't you?


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## foghlaim

maybe cheyenne, you could set an alarm to go off when u are supposed to take your medication... that way your parents will be reminded and give it to you eveeryday, the way you are supposed to get it.

just an idea, i set my phone alarm to take mine in the mornings.. otherwise i don't wake up in time.

thinking of you and i really hope your parents contact the therapist, and that u feel a bit better soon.

nsa


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## Halo

Hi Cheyenne,

First I want to say that I don't think that your posts are confusing or mindless at at. I know for me that sometimes I just need to write/type things out on here to get it out of my head. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I think NSA had a great idea about setting a timer or clock as a reminder to ask your parents for the meds. 

Also, don't dismiss the idea of the social worker, sometimes help comes when and with who you least expect it. (from personal experience I can say that).

Another thought I had was when you go away to your relatives for a few weeks, are your parents going to give you your medication to take with you? If so then maybe after that they will realize that you are more than capable of taking it by yourself. Just a thought? 

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Nancy


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## ^^Phoenix^^

i know that you are seeing a counceller independantly from your parents, but have the three of you tried therapy together. Perhaps this could help with the way you all communicate?


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## Cheyenne

The thing I?m worried about with the social worker is that she?ll tell my parents that I injure myself. I?ve lied to them so many times about that, and the threats of not being able to walk the dogs because of it is very real. I have doubts that I?ll be able to convince them otherwise if a second adult tells them the truth. I?m afraid I?ll lose my freedom over it, especially since once they realize I?ve been lying to them about this for years they?re going to wonder what else I?ve lied about. During those two days in May where I talked to people, and the day I talked to the resource officer, I instilled full trust in them and was completely honest, I was too busy worrying about staying alive for another day than to be worrying about my parents finding things out. Shoot, my parents not only don?t know I SI, but they also don?t know about my notebook, the things that caused me to be like this, that I talked to the resource officer, or that I sought help for myself. And they?re thinking that the ?(I think) School counselors put the ideas in her head? - A direct quote from my dad when first meeting the old therapist.

The reason my parents are dispensing the Zoloft is because of all the potentially dangerous items and responsibilities I can be trusted with, apparently taking the medication that is supposed to help me is not something I should ever be trusted to do. According to the people at the psychiatric facility I was at for awhile.

My parents are going to give me my medication to take with me on my trip, though I don?t know whether or not they?ve advised my grandparents to handle it. I?m hoping that I can just take care of it myself, but I don?t know.

I don?t think therapy with my parents would work out, whenever I?m around them I become agitated, and when others are around I tend to silence myself and zone out, because in the past whenever I talked when they were around with other people, whether someone asked me a question or not, they?d just give me ?the look? that means I need to either be quiet or leave. So now whenever people ask me questions when they?re around my mind goes blank. Even an attempt at therapy with the three of us would be an irritating, and embarrassing, experience for everyone.

I think it helps some for me to just put everything on the table here, I don?t know, I think it?s just because I can reflect on everything; think about it.

Thank You.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for reading.


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## foghlaim

Hi cheyenne: just wondering how you are doing?


nsa


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## Cheyenne

Not so great, but thanks for asking. Yourself?

I babysat my best friend?s brother and sister for her for three days as a favor, and that kept my mind off things for awhile, but now I?m just back to where I was, again. I leave in two days for two weeks, I know I?ll live through then, I wouldn?t know where to get supplies to do anything and my relatives will probably be watching me like a hawk, but I really don?t want to go.

The truth is, suicide has become so very much appealing to me. There?s not much hope left in me that things can get better and stay that way for more than two weeks. I can realize the irrationality of my thoughts, but it doesn?t phase me at all. I don?t have the slightest idea of what to do.


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## ThatLady

Something occurred to me that I'd like to pursue with you, Cheyenne...

Is is possible that there is someone amongst the relatives you're going to stay with that might be more amenable to listening to you without judgement? You really sound like you need an advocate to help you get the care you need in a cooperative, supportive environment. That's something it sounds like you haven't really had. I realize you haven't seen these people in a couple of years, but it might be worth the effort to realy scrutinize these folks and see if there isn't someone with the compassion and foresight to understand how much you need, and want, help. It's sure worth a try.


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## foghlaim

Hi cheyenne: TL has a good idea there, i hope you can find some one you can confide in, as it will really help to be able to talk tosome one about how you feel. if by chance there isn't, thenif you can and there is an internet in the rlatives house, please log in here for support ok, we are always here for you ok.

thinking of you,

nsa


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## Halo

Cheyenne,

I just wanted to add that I hope that things work out well for you over the next two weeks. I too hope that you find someone to confide in or at least have internet access and you can come on here. Remember that we are always here for you, anytime.

Take Care and hope to hear from you soon.


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## momof5

Cheyenne
1. Never forget that you are a special person, no matter what you think right now.

2. Never worry about only posting what you feel and not going where you don't in here. We all understand and nobody is ever going to think anything badly towards you for not posting. That doesn't make you selfish or anything like that.

3. animals are great for therapy. I am totally for pet therapy for people. My dog and my birds are so important to me. Even the birds outside that I feed, I love listening to them. They remind me that God said, if that he would take care of the sparrows he would take care of me who he loved more then the sparrows.

5. Never loose hope. There is always hope in all things, even when we are down to the bottom, and we feel like nobody cares, there are people that do (like in here  )

Just keep posting in here. Keep looking up, and look at yourself in the mirror and say I"m special. People do care about me.

Life isn't always easy for us. But we can make it through things that come our way. I pray that you find somone who will truly be confidental for you.

Keep us updated on how you are doing.


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## Cheyenne

I did find one relative that was willing to listen to me without judgment, but because of circumstances I didn?t disclose much, just clearing up rumors of what happened. But she made it perfectly clear that I could talk to her anytime, about anything, and she would tell no one. It?s possible that I go back sometime within the next year and just stay with them. I was pretty content while I was with her, but then I went back to a certain relative?s house which I couldn?t get along with at all. I?m not proud to admit it, but during a disagreement with the relative I couldn?t get along with, in which she hit my leg several times I did hit her, not harder than her hardest hit, and she called me ?vicious?. So the last couple of days when I was with her I was more miserable than I would?ve been at home.

I?ve did pretty good with not injuring myself while I was there, but I brought some stuff back that I really shouldn?t have. I know I shouldn?t have brought them back, or at least not have stored them in my room. I?ve had thoughts of suicide in the past couple of days, but not to the point of feeling willing to act on it, I?m just wondering if I?ll be able to hold my own until school starts and I find out what my mom has chosen to do about the whole therapist thing. And I took my medicine like I was supposed to, but I still don?t think they?re going to trust me to do it my own. That's a sort of update. I think.


Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. I appreciate it.
I probably would?ve posted earlier, but none of the places I stayed at had internet, and a lot didn?t have a computer at all.


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## foghlaim

> I did find one relative that was willing to listen to me without judgment, but because of circumstances I didn?t disclose much, just clearing up rumors of what happened. But she made it perfectly clear that I could talk to her anytime, about anything, and she would tell no one. It?s possible that I go back sometime within the next year and just stay with them. I was pretty content while I was with her,


 I'm delighted tohear that you were able to talk to at least one of your relatives Cheyenne.. and also that you didn't injure yorself while there.
well done!! 
I'm sorry to hear that your last couple of days were miserable for you..  but i still think you did brilliantly not to injure yourself even tho you felt so miserable. so again well done to you. You should feel proud of yourself ok.

as for your meds, well you have proven that you can take them yourself, so maybe your mom will take that into considerationnow that you are home.
speaking of which.. do yourself a favour and get rid of whatever you brought home with you... it will only lead to temptation if\when you feel bad again ok. 
as you have said above, you have proven already that you can feel downor whatever and not injure yourself.. and it's important to remember that.. ok. 
So Please get throw whatever in the bin or somewhere else or give them to some one you trust to get rid of them for you.

I think you wrote a really good update 
and i hope now that you are home you will come here and talk to us more often and get the help and support that we can give you.

Congratulations on getting thru your hols with relatives you hardly knew and for finding one that you can talk to anytime. Do you have her phone Number, maybe you can keep in touch with her and get her support as well ok

thanks for the update Cheyenne..
I look forward to your next post.

wishing you all the best, take care of you ok.

nsa


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## ThatLady

You did well, Cheyenne. You didn't hurt yourself and that's a big step that you should be very proud of. You took your medications as you were supposed to take them. That's another really big and important step. You've found a relative with whom you can talk, and who seems to understand how important your privacy is. That's invaluable! Sounds to me like you had an excellent vacation time. 

Just chuck out that stuff you brought home, Cheyenne. You don't need that. You've proven to yourself that you can do what it takes, and that you have what it takes to become what you want to be...a happy, healthy person. Give yourself credit for a job well-done and throw away the old baggage. You don't need that anymore. You have a friend/relative who understands and will listen, and you have us.


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## momof5

Hi Cheyenne,
I'm so sorry you had a rough time of it, but proud of you for not hurting yourself. I think that is a big step for you.

I'm also sorry you and your mom appear to not get along. I wish there were soemthing that I could say to you or to your mom to help that situation out. Our children are so precious to us, and a gift to us that we should value each day that we have them.

Just know that we value you here. And please don't forget it, and that you are special to everyone.


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## Cheyenne

I do have that relative?s phone number, I may or may not call her, I?m really bad at talking on the phone. But I remember she told me before I left that she?d pay for me to come back out and bring my dog. If school wasn?t coming close I?d probably take her up on that offer.

I?m trying to get rid of the stuff I brought home, but I haven?t found a way yet, I can?t get rid of it at my house, and I talked to my best friend but as she?s been going through a rough time lately and is known to cut we decided that wouldn?t be a wise idea. So I, stupidly, still have them in my possession. I?m honestly not sure how to get rid of them. The whole thing is driving me crazy, I think I?m getting better about it and then I get worse, it?s annoying. I think it even bothers me almost as much the suicidal thoughts do. And between the debilitating lack of energy and me resorting back to keeping myself away from the house and so busy until the reality that is the thoughts of suicide is distant, I get home and just completely crash. That?s why it usually takes me a couple days before I respond again.
On a slightly happier note, while discussing the disposal of the items I brought back, I ending up telling my friend the truth about my self-injury, in my years of doing it I had never told her but just knowing that I had lied for several years to someone, who had been completely honest with me about her self-injury, made me feel even worse. I didn?t need that. Not now. After making completely sure that nothing I would have said would?ve distressed her like I did when I told the truth about the suicidal thoughts, I told her. I had expected the worst, but she was nonchalant about it, that made me feel better, definitely gave me one less thing to feel bad about.

I wish me and my mom got along better, but it?s really more like mutual irritation when we are around each other. I have no clue what I do to get yelled at, especially when I get yelled at to do chores that they just watched me do, or anything like that. When I?m feeling okay I can take it, but when I?m not like I have been for the past three or so months, feels like three or so YEARS, I respond the same way and that just makes it worse.
Today when my mom realized that she?d forgotten to give me the Zoloft for the second day in a row I politely suggested that she let me handle it, that I had proved that I could be trusted with it over my vacation, to which she promptly slammed the door. I guess I?ll take that as a ?no?.

Thanks for caring.
Thanks for reading, I realize that this can probably be added to the list of painfully long posts I?ve made that seem to make no sense to me when I read back through it.


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## foghlaim

cheyene: yur post makes a lot of sense to me..  and you have posted some positive in there as well, well done.  You have a wonderful friend there, and as you say you don't have to feel bad about lying to her anymore. BIG positive there. 
the fact you have thought about trying to get rid of that stuff is really good, another big positive!!  i wonder as a last resort, could you throw them in the trash bin or even some one elses trash bin on the day of collection or the night before?? just a thought.
Pity your mom keeps forgetting your meds, maybe you can talk to your therapist or counsellor about this, they may be able to sort someting out for you.
and if i were you, i'd take your relatives offer to talk to you up with her, if only to let her know you are okay. I'm sure she'd appreciate that and that you thought of her also. 

thanks for the update.. and never worry about post being too long okay. they aren't. Post away cheyenne, we are here for you in any way we can be.

thinking of you,
nsa


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Cheyenne,
I just wanted to say that I am so glad that you were able to talk to your friend about your SI. Its also good to see that you took her similar condition into consideration when you told her. If she has only just found out that you have been suffering all along, it may trigger her. So I was glad when you mentioned that you were considerate in that respect. Now you can be there for each other, and that is so good for both of you.


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## Cheyenne

Thanks for the suggestion NSA, I threw the stuff in a trash can that was sitting at the curb this morning.

Also this morning I took a long walk and, I have no idea what possessed me to think it was a good idea, I decided that if my mom asked about any injury I?d tell the complete truth. Though I was pretty sure I?d just worked myself into a situation the day before that if I didn?t tell her she WAS going to find out on her own. So, she asked me - I told her with a lot of hesitation. I haven?t been able to make up my mind on whether telling her was a good idea at the present time. On one side, I am going to see the social worker tomorrow, and to the doctor sometime soon to discuss two random medical problems and about upping the dosage of the Zoloft. On the other side, my mom?s being a spaz, doesn?t want me to close my bedroom door, is planning to pile on more chores for me to do, and I have a bad feeling that I?m going to lose the privelage of walking the dogs on my own - or at all.
I guess, at best, my mom?s now taking this seriously instead of putting it off, and now I can get help for everything, including the self-injury since before I wouldn?t have been able to and keep my parents in the dark about it at the same time.

I'm lucky to have my best friend, I would never intentionally do/say something to her that I thought would bother/hurt her, and she does the same for me. It's just too bad that we don't get to hang out all that much.

Thank you all for being here for me, I really appreciate it.


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## foghlaim

Cheyenne:  From a mothers view point, i can see very clearly that your mom is indeed taking you very seriously and has devised a plan to help you to keep occupied and will also make sure you get the help you need.  You have even acknowledged this yourself!! which i think is only Brilliant.!!!

I'm delighted you threw that stuff away.. Well Done  on taking a huge step in your recovery. (that temptation is now out of your way)
The door being left open to your bedroom (for a while, maybe a week or so) is another way for your mom to help you and you to help yourself, if you turn the negative thing about that around, from your own point of view, you are not likely to injure yourself if the door is open Right! 
Your privelage on walking the dogs (alone) may or may not be removed, maybe you could suggest that both you and your mom walk them and use the time to talk about what has been happening for you.?? When you are ready to talk more to her that is ok. 

Cheyenne, I can't tall you how proud I am of You for taking these huge steps to help yourself.  You were very brave and couragous to tell you mom the truth, and if I could i would give you a huge big hug!!! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

I would agree with you that you are a very lucky Girl to have a real best friend, they are hard to find. In time when things settle down for you, you will i'm sure be able to hang out more.

Thank you for posting.. It was great to read such a positive post!!
and Cheyenne.. well done again!!!  
I look forward to your next post.
(((more hugs)))

nsa


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## Halo

Cheyenne,

I am also very proud of you for being so open and honest with your mom. That took a lot of courage on your part and I just wanted to say well done. I remember after my hospitalization I was not allowed in my room too long without one of them (parents) coming to check on me and making sure that I was okay. I remember not even being allowed to shave my legs with a razor alone...how sad was that. At the time I thought that they didn't trust me and I now reflect and realize that they were trying (in their minds) to do what was best for me. I understand it now but at the time I didn't and was just resentful that they wouldn't give me my own space but at the same time it was nice to know that they understood the seriousness of the situation. 

I think that NSA had a great idea about walking the dogs with your mom that way you have time to connect and talk. What a great idea. I don't know if that is feasible in your life but it might be worth a shot. 

Anyway, Cheyenne congrats on getting rid of the stuff and the temptation. I think that what you did was an awesome thing and again I am so proud of you.

Take Care


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Cheyenne,
wow, you have taken some huge steps in getting rid of the items you spoke of, and for telling your mum. The door, the chores.... they're her ways of dealin with what she's heard. It could be tough, and at times you may feel like you wish you hadn't told her, but at least, like you said, you can now get the help you need for that specifc issue too. Hang in there. We're proud of the steps you've taken.

-robin


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## ThatLady

I know you probably feel like you're living in a fishbowl at the moment, Cheyenne. That can't be easy. However, the up side of it all is that, by telling your mother, you've enlisted the help of those who love you to keep from doing things to hurt yourself. With their watchfulness, coupled with your willingness to do what's necessary to get well, and the help of a therapist...well, this is the beginning of your road to health. That's a good thing, even if the road is a little bumpy.


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## Cheyenne

Thank you.

After a lot of convincing and annoying her into giving in I got my mom to let me close the door within a day and walk the dogs on my own within two. Having her walk with me wouldn?t have worked because, in all honesty, I don?t think she could make the walk and she doesn?t like either of the dogs anyways.

I feeling kind of neutral right now, not happy, but not overly unhappy. My mom went ahead and upped the Zoloft on the third before seeing the doctor, but she forgot it today, of course. I saw the social worker on the third, I honestly didn?t remember her at all, but we still got along so it was okay. I see her again on the 8th I think and that?ll be the first ?real? session. Then I see the doctor I saw before sometime and then I?m going to have a physical as suggested by the social worker for memory problems and dizziness. The physical is the only thing that kind of scares me, and I have no idea why.

I?m definitely glad I got rid of that stuff, but telling my mom is still much more difficult to make up my mind about - When I?m at home I think it was a horrible idea and that I shouldn?t have done it; Before my dad came back home when I was taking early morning walks by myself (Not allowed to when he?s here) and while walking the dogs or at the social worker?s place it felt like it was a good idea. It?s confusing.

Now I just need to figure out how to fix my sleep cycle?I have three days to change the time I wake up by 12 hours and then keep in that way for nine months?.

Again, Thank You for all the support you?ve shown me.


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## foghlaim

HI Cheyenne..

how's things with you these days??

thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on..


nsa


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## Cheyenne

I?ve been okay.
I?ve been busy, but I try to come on here everyday and read everything and I?ve been working with my dogs and on my photography in my free time - My two favorite things to do.
I?ve been seeing the therapist weekly, nothing special there. I still get an occasional suicidal thought, but it?s not completely bothersome like it was before and I haven?t injured myself since I disposed of the things I brought back from my trip. Wearing a rubber band or two on my wrist has helped a lot with that, I?m glad I read that suggestion on this forum. This forum?s helped me a lot. I'd really like to attempt to help out/encourage other people but since school started I have less time.

Thanks for asking, I hope you?re doing well too, NSA, and everyone else too


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## ThatLady

I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Cheyenne. Keeping busy is important, and it's good that you're able to do that. With the dogs, the photography, and all the other things in your life, you're living large, girl! Kudos to you! :hug:


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## Halo

Cheyenne,

I am glad to hear that you are doing better and that you are keeping busy.  Good luck with school and keep us updated whenever you can.

Take care


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## foghlaim

Hi Cheyenne... 
thanks for the update..  it's great to see you are doing well.. reallyy well actually.. You should be proud of yourself... i am proud of you.. you really have come along way..  well done.!!

You are helping others, even tho you may not realise it... just by being here and posting your thoughts and feelings and how things are going..
Doing this is helpful to a lot of ppl.
So thank you!!

let us know from time to time..how u are getting on okay.. 
delighted to hear from you. 

take care and well done again.
nsa


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## Cat Dancer

That's really great.  

You do help out here. You have amazing courage and reading about it helps other people, more than you can know. 

Take care.


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## Cheyenne

Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate it  

Yeah, I guess I’ve been doing real well, except I’m not doing so great in school, but other than that things are mostly okay.
But I'd like to be a little less busy.

The only thing is I really want to be switched off the Zoloft to something else or something, because every time the dosage is upped my memory gets worse, I get more spaced out, and I suddenly get extremely dizzy and weak with blurred vision more often - which sometimes causes me to fall. I’m not completely sure if it is from the medicine, but either way it’s extremely annoying and I don’t know when I’m going back to the doctor.

Also, because I never really actually introduced myself, I’ve added a post in introductions to make up for that. I know quite a bit about you guys from what you’ve posted about yourselves, you might as well know a little more about me  

Again, thanks for the comments, I REALLY appreciate it, a lot. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Well, you might, I really don't know.


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