# Need professional help on confrontation



## stressedout (Sep 24, 2005)

I'm completely stressed out over a situation I am experiencing. My daughter has been with a guy for 8 years. They met on the internet and fell in love. He is from the US and we are from Canada. He has lived with us, on and off during that time. He won our hearts and our entire family adores him, including me. He and I became very close, in fact since he is only 10 years younger than me, you can say we are best friends.

A few months ago, they started to have problems. My daughter who had been with him since she was 18, decided she needed a break. She never completely broke it off, and he went back to the States, with the intention of returning soon. My daughter, during the time he has been away, has changed feelings and wants to break it off completely. The problem is, he told us he tried to commit suicide (over a relationship with a woman and her baby that he said he raised from birth to 2 years)a few years before we met him, and she's afraid of what he'll do if she tells him.She tried a couple of times, but he freaked out and scared her.  

Anyway, I've continued to be his friend, trying to support him, never betraying my daughters intentions. I know he's lonely and that he will be devastated when she decides to tell him. I know he senses something because he's very angry at times, threatening to kill anyone that he suspects she's seeing.

Here's the problem: I found out a few days ago (purely by accident) that his entire life, everything he told us, is a lie. he never tried to kill himself, he never worked where he said, he never lived with the woman and her child, he never had a dog that was killed..and so on and so on. The person who told me all this is very trustworthy, however he's afraid of retaliation.

So now, I'm completely confused as to what to do. I know that my daughter needs to know the truth, but i'm trying to figure out a way for her to find out from this person on her own, without any interference from me. I also am trying to understand his illness (he has to be a pathological liar) and be properly prepared as to how we confront him and his lies, without anyone getting physically hurt.

He has never been violent or abusive, so i don't exactly know how to deal with this change in him, now that he suspects my daughter is seeing someone else. He's built his entire future on her and our family and now that there's a chance of it all slipping away, he's freaking out.

I love him very much, but I now realize that he is a disturbed individual. How disturbed? Well, he once said (on the internet, when he was back home) that he was babysitting the child that he had raised because the mom had to go out of town, and there was jibberish on the screen that he said she had typed, while sitting on his lap! Now I find out he never even dated this woman and there was no relationship.

My daughter is desperately trying to get out of this relationship without him going crazy, and I hold the key. But I don't know how to deal with all this: how to tell her without the "informant" getting hurt, how to stop her from confronting him in a manner that way end up with him or someone else getting hurt, and how to confront him myself. He's obviously sick because I've given him the opportunity in a subtle indirect way (in the past couple of days) to come clean, and he insists he never lied about anything. 

If this was a matter of a couple of white lies, I wouldn't be worried, but we're talking about his entire life.I am convinced he is a pathological liar and he believes it all as the truth.

How do we deal with this?


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## Daniel (Sep 24, 2005)

*Need a professional help on a confrontation (sorry..long)*

While you await advice from others here, this is what I am thinking at this moment:

Tell your daughter the truth, including name of informant if necessary, provided your daughter does not tell anyone else of informant.   Your daughter only has to say "it's over" when dumping her boyfriend though maybe she can give other valid reasons for doing so.   

When she breaks up with him over the phone, if he acts or feigns being suicidal again in order to manipulate her, she can just tell him to call a US suicide hotline like 1-800-SUICIDE and say goodbye. 

After that, there is no need for anyone to say anything to the former boyfriend if he calls back.  Doing anything else may give him a false hope that there is a chance he can get back together with her, possibly making him more likely to want to see her again in person.  

Though he has "never been violent or abusive" over the 8-year period, if you are concerned he will, in the unlikely event, return to Canada to confront her, in some places or situations her carrying a cell phone to call 911 is good advice:

Personal Safety Tips for Women - ABC News

(If he makes any threats, a restraining order may be a good idea.    Regardless, if things deteriorate, call the police department to at least get advice about personal safety tips and possibly what to do about criminal harassment if that should be become an issue.)


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 25, 2005)

*Need a professional help on a confrontation (sorry..long)*

All of that sounds like very good advice to me, Daniel.


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## ThatLady (Sep 25, 2005)

*Need a professional help on a confrontation (sorry..long)*

To me, as well. If I were you, that's exactly what I'd do. Also, before your daughter tells this person that the relationship is over, pack anything left in your home that belongs to him and ship it to him. Have it on its way. That way, he'll have no excuse to return to your home. If he threatens to do so, call your local police and tell them what's going on.

Additionally, do not answer any of his emails. If he telephones, hang up immediately. You might want to consider changing, and unlisting, your telephone number if he becomes a problem in that respect.

Both you and your daughter (and anyone else in the family with whom he communicates) need to change your Instant Message handles immediately. Blocking him won't stop him from creating another handle with which to harass you. It's probably a good idea to change your email addresses, as well.  If you get a letter from this person, send it back unopened. In short, NO communication of any kind once the message is delivered that the relationship is over.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and your family. It's one of the dangers of internet relationships, unfortunately. It's easy to pretend you're someone else for awhile, but sooner or later the real person is going to surface. That's when the going gets rough.

More than a few of these types of people will threaten to commit suicide in an effort to manipulate. The vast majority will not carry through on these threats. The thing to remember is this: You can't take responsibility for what another person does. That responsibility lies with the perpetrator, not with you. You and your daughter are the victims.


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