# Thoughts are returning



## Into The Light (Aug 25, 2006)

for the past few days i've been having thoughts again of not wanting to be here. at first i thought it's just a thought but i'm thinking it more and more. does this mean my medication isn't working as well? i've only been on it for about 6 weeks. i was doing ok until my anxiety went up this week. i feel awful about having these thoughts again and it's bringing me down more and it's worrying me.

anyway i just had to write it out here because i can't tell anyone close to me about this. i don't want to scare people again. but i don't want to hide it either. i don't want to be alone with these thoughts.


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## Halo (Aug 25, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

I am sorry to hear that the thoughts are returning and I think that it was very courageous to tell us all here that you are having these thoughts and not hiding them.

I can relate to that and they feelings are definitely overwhelming. I really can't comment on the medication issue and whether they are working because I think that someone else with a bit more knowledge than me might be better to answer that.

I do know that for me the first thing that I do is lean on the people here on the forum.  I need all the support I can when I feel like that and then I call / email / talk with my therapist as soon as possible.  I know that you just had an appointment this week but when is your next one?


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## Into The Light (Aug 25, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

next appointment is wednesday. things aren't great but fortunately i'm not overwhelmed. it just feels rotten. it's upsetting. and i have to pretend i'm ok to the world around me. it makes me sad. i'm tired of hiding my feelings. maybe i'll wait til my next appointment and see what my therapist says and if i keep having these thoughts until then, then i'll go see my doctor too.


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## Halo (Aug 25, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

Wow can I ever relate that that post.  It is almost like having to wear a mask to the world to pretend that everything is fine and that you are doing "A Okay" and then when alone or on this forum you can be yourself and that is when the true feelings come out.  Sometime for me that is overwhelming in itself because I get so use to wearing the mask that I don't really know what is underneath....oh the process of self-discovery.  Well that is the way that it is for me anyway.

I am glad that the feelings are not overwhelming but if they do become that remember that you do have options and one of them is to contact your doctor and to rely on us even more.

:hug:  Hugs to you


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## just mary (Aug 25, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

Hi bbc,

Truly sorry that you're feeling this way.  



> i have to pretend i'm ok to the world around me. it makes me sad. i'm tired of hiding my feelings.



I know how that feels also.  Sometimes I wonder how many other people are feeing the same way.  When I look at some one and they're smiling, I find myself trying to look past it and see if they're just "faking it" too.  What a world...

When do you see your therapist again?  I agree with Nancy, just connecting/being honest with someone who really listens can be so helpful.

I'll be thinking of you bbc.  You can always post here and let us know how you're doing.  There are so many caring people here (including you) that would really like to help.

Take care.

jm


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## Into The Light (Aug 25, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

thank you for your posts. it really helps to know other people know what i am really thinking and that they care. it boggles my mind how a huge part of me doesn't care about me. this isn't who i am. how did this happen? i just don't understand how i can feel this way. a big part of me wants to fix this but there is a nagging part of me that doesn't. that bothers me. 

it is interesting what you say about looking past the smiles. i guess a lot more pretending may be going on than you would think at first glance. i now too look at people completely differently. i was sitting in a foodcourt one day last week and looking around at all the people there. it struck me that every single one of them has a unique life story and their unique troubles and joys. it really had me curious as to what really went on in all their heads.

i guess i'm just kind of rambling here.. sorry.. many thoughts floating through my head.


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## just mary (Aug 25, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

Hi bbc,

I don't know how it happens either, it just does.  There are so many different reasons.  I'm glad you found us though.

As for the part that doesn't seem to want to be fixed, I think I can understand that too.  I think I saw something like this in another thread, it's all about the familiar and how we got locked into habits and change just seems so overwhelming and such a challenge.  And on top of all that we're dealing with depression and all it entails, when just getting out of bed is hard.  

But you are getting help bbc, you are trying and you will get better.  I can sense it in you, you're a strong person and you'll make it.  

Take care and please ramble all you want, I like it when people ramble...  it's interesting... I've thought the same things in food courts... they're interesting places...

jm


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## Into The Light (Aug 26, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

thank you jm. i know i am going to make it too because i don't really want to die. i just woke up again for the 6th or 7th time from a bad night's rest and i'm feeling a bit more discouraged and scared. i am going to go see my doctor first thing monday morning because i am scared things are going downhill again for me. i don't understand why this is happening as i was doing ok for several weeks. therapy has been causing me a lot of anxiety though recently so maybe it has something to do with that. who knows. all i know is i'm scared and am feeling worse.


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## ThatLady (Aug 26, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

Good to hear you're going to see your physician as soon as possible, bbc. There are so many things that could be contributing to your current feelings. It's always a good idea to let your doctor know so he/she can help you sort things out, and to be sure there isn't some physical ailment contributing to the problem.

Please, keep us posted!


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 26, 2006)

*Re: thoughts are returning*

Sorry you're feeling worse. 

Hang in there and do let your doctors know what is happening.


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## Halo (Aug 26, 2006)

BBC

I am also glad that you are going to see your doctor on Monday morning.  Good luck with that and let us know how it turns out. 

Hopefully you are feeling a little better today.
Take Care


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## Into The Light (Aug 26, 2006)

i'm doing better for the moment. i'm consciously working on thoughts that make me feel better and it seems to be effective for now. i just have to keep it up. i'm not about to let this disease get the better of me while things are still easily manageable. honestly i am not anywhere like where i was when i hit rock bottom. i'm just scaring myself it's going to get that bad again and that's all it is. i'm really ok and that thought alone has lifted my spirits.


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## Halo (Aug 26, 2006)

I still hope that you are going to keep that dr's appt. on Monday though.  I think that it would still be a good idea to go at least.  Can't hurt right?

Glad that you are feeling better today and in better spirits.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 26, 2006)

baseballcap said:


> i'm doing better for the moment. i'm consciously working on thoughts that make me feel better and it seems to be effective for now. i just have to keep it up. i'm not about to let this disease get the better of me while things are still easily manageable. honestly i am not anywhere like where i was when i hit rock bottom. i'm just scaring myself it's going to get that bad again and that's all it is. i'm really ok and that thought alone has lifted my spirits.



I think that this should be recognised bbc, as a tremendous reach for what you want.  Its so darn hard to do this when you are feeling low, and you deserve                                   lots of presents, and other honourings!! I'm so proud of you.  When i feel that low, it really does seem impossible to pull off; you know, the working on changing your thoughts etc.  Snaps for you BBC. and a hug too. 
:hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 26, 2006)

I agree with Phoenix.


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## Into The Light (Aug 26, 2006)

no worries nancy, i am still going to see my doctor. i would like to have my good night's rest back. i feel good now but the mornings i've been feeling low when i wake up and the last two mornings i felt afraid, and that probably won't change right away. so i still want to address this and see if my sleep medication may be becoming less effective. 

phoenix and janet, thank you for what you said, it really means a lot to me, i don't know how else to put it. you're giving me something to feel proud of about me. i'm going make it and i really owe a lot to the support of everyone here on this forum. thank you


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