# The ONE Word That Finally Ended My Abusive Marriage



## David Baxter PhD (Aug 24, 2015)

*The ONE Word That Finally Ended My Abusive Marriage*
By Elle D. Charles 
Retrieved August 2015

*It took me five years to finally escape from my abusive relationship. And this one word did it.*

Five years. That?s how long it took for me to wake up.

Five  years of being a b*tch. Of being an idiot. Of being too embarrassingly  fat or ugly to be seen with in public. Of getting in trouble from  chewing my food the wrong way. Of tripping in the hallway and being  ridiculed because, after all, ?Who does that??

Five years of marriage and it was always my fault.

*I  was never enough. There was always something I needed to do better.  There was always something I need to be more of in order to be enough ?  or maybe enough to make my husband stop abusing me.*

I sat  alone and cried for two hours straight on our first married Christmas.  He sat downstairs, ignoring me. I was too boring for him so he wasn?t  going to let me ruin his holiday.

I cried and cried and cried and cried. _How did I get here, into this abusive relationship? How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so dumb?_

*After one year of marriage, I had a mental breakdown. Panic attacks every twenty to thirty minutes for 48 hours straight.*

I  could sleep, if only my heartbeat would quiet down, but the constant  thud thud thud thud in my ears boomed and my chest shook with every beat  as I lay awake thinking to myself, ?This is it. I?m dying.?

I was terrified. His home was my prison. He didn?t speak to me for three days because I needed to be punished for going crazy.

I  thought he was my rescuer. My fixer. My savior. And he left me all  alone. I was too afraid to tell anyone else about my anxiety, about my  marriage.

*No one would rescue me, so I needed to rescue myself.*

Six  months of anxiety. That?s how long it took me to realize that his words  didn?t define me. That my self-esteem didn?t rely on what anyone said  about me ? what they liked or didn?t like, what they wanted or didn?t  want, what I was and what I never would be.

Growing up in a  conservative Christian home, divorce was next to murder. Admitting to  having marital struggles in the first year was common but it?s not  something you talk about while you?re in the midst of it.

People  can?t handle that. They can only handle stories of redemption packaged  with pretty bows. Not stories in the midst of the **** storm.

?It?s  not grounds for divorce. It?s grounds for separation. If he had an  affair, that would be a different story,? my counselor told me.

*How  could this not be grounds for divorce? How could a constant barrage of  control and manipulation, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse not justify  divorce? How could I be stuck for the rest of my life?*

I  just wanted out but I was determined to make it work. I was determined  to someday have a healthy home and if I couldn?t leave him, then I would  make him change. It would be a miracle and I was set on seeing it to  completion.
But the years went on and he drifted further and  further and further away. He acknowledged the abuse and said he?d get  better, over and over and over again. So I held out for him.

He?d  be nice to be for a week and then he?d relapse. As time went on, the  ?nice? times became more and more brief. Kinds words for twenty minutes.  If I didn?t seem grateful enough or repay him sexually, then the  barrage would begin again.
*Against all reason, I stayed.*

I  saw happy couples and resisted the urge to punch them. I ran into men  in the grocery store who treated me better than my own husband and a  little voice inside of me whispered, ?You could do better. You really  could be loved.?

I hushed the voice, put my head down, and I moved  on. This was my lot. This was my cross to bear. This was the thorn in  my side. This was punishment for my own foolishness. And I harbored it  all as silently as I could, pressing through the pain, shaking off the  insult and plastering on smiles through tear-filled eyes.

At four  and a half years, my best friend pulled me aside. ?You have to get out,?  she said. How did she even know? Was it that obvious?

*In  that moment, I didn?t even feel shame at his actions being exposed. I  felt a tiny glimmer of hope. I reached for that glimmer and ran, but he  snatched it away.*

?I promise I?ll change. For real this time. You can?t leave. Just give me one more chance.?

So I did. And one more chance turned into six more months of chances, of abuse and of lies.

Two  weeks after our fifth wedding anniversary, I sat on the phone with my  best friend and she told me it was time. I knew it. I knew it was. I  knew I had to take the leap, put myself on the line, and get out.

With  tears streaming down my face, I knew that this was my ticket to  freedom. I just never knew the amount of bravery it would take to get  there.

*And so, with bags in hand. I took the first step.  It was the most terrifying and courageous step I have taken in my entire  life, but it gave me the strength to take the next step.*

And  this time, when he said, ?Give me one more chance. I promise,? I looked  back on those five years. Abuse. Lies. Shame. Five years of his prison.

And  that?s when I looked him in the eye, mustering all the guts within me  said the one word that flung open my cage and changed the course of my  life: No.


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## GDPR (Aug 24, 2015)

That was pretty hard to read,it made me think of my sister.

Even though she is no longer in my life,I wish she could muster the courage to leave her abusive husband.I wish she could say no,walk away and start a new life.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 24, 2015)

Sometimes it takes a long time. She has to get to that point herself. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GDPR (Aug 24, 2015)

I hope she will someday get to that point.

Both of my sisters have abusive husbands.I don't know how I got so lucky that mine is not.


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## PrincessX (Aug 24, 2015)

Thanks for posting this story.

I wish there was some kind of emotional prenup. If things don't go well, you get your heart back whole and untouched.


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## Daniel (Nov 10, 2019)

'Lazy.' 'Stupid.' 'That never happened': An epidemic of verbal abuse against women - The Washington Post

He didn't hit me. It was still abuse. - The Washington Post


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## Daniel (Nov 10, 2019)




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## Daniel (Nov 10, 2019)

From the last article:



> He didn't hit me. It was still abuse. - The Washington Post
> 
> The World Health Organization recognizes four types of intimate-partner violence: physical, sexual, emotional or psychological, and controlling behavior. These often coexist, and verbal aggression early in a relationship frequently precedes violence. Some studies have shown that abuse in the form of degradation, fear and humiliation is more psychologically debilitating in the long term than physical violence; psychological abuse can in fact sustain the relationship, as the victim becomes consumed with self-doubt, depression and low self-esteem. Lenore E. Walker, a psychologist who first identified the "cycle of abuse," has compared the psychological effects to the torture of prisoners of war: isolation, followed by manipulation of perception, humiliation, the administration of drugs and alcohol, and occasional, random indulgences that "keep hope alive that the torture will cease."


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