# Wearing the Mask



## David Baxter PhD

Wearing the Mask, Acting "Normal"
by  John McManamy 
Thursday, December 31, 2009 

Last week, in a sharepost here, I wrote:

We excel at wearing the mask. We fool our friends, our loved ones, our colleagues, our doctors, even. Deep down inside, however, we are the crying clown, our souls in torment, our psyches in a thousand pieces.

It appears I struck a chord. Says *MerelyMe*:

_I read this and I started to just about cry because you have absolutely nailed it with precision. It is so much about wearing a mask...it takes such an incredible amount of energy to fit in and act "normal" whatever that means. But all the while feeling so different on the inside. _​Adds *Chris*, who decided not to put on his mask this particular morning: 

_I just didn?t have the energy or desire to ACT the opposite of how I was feeling._​It?s as if we?re strangers in our own land. Says *Alxv*:

_We have to live in two worlds at the same time without losing it and that makes me feel like I'm a tightrope walker on a thin wire with strong winds always crossing my path every day and sometimes I have no strength to keep my balance and I fall but somehow I keep on finding the strength to go up there and try to stay still and never fall again._​But sometimes it takes us too long to get up. Then people start noticing. *Tabby* recounts:

_I've been walking that thin tight rope for oh so long now and many times, I've fallen and smacked onto the concrete at full force. Others around have all appeared incredulous as to what the heck is wrong with me while I lay there crumpled on the concrete wanting to just die so the pain would stop._​She goes on to say:

_Only to then, have to stumbled and hobble back up the shaky ladder ... grab the wobbly balance pole, and very shakily start out across that thin tight rope again and again - with a smile.  You've always got to put on that damn smile... while you wonder when the next misstep will happen and you fall again... to smack upon the concrete. ..._​The cruelest twist is no one ever congratulates you on your bravery and determination. You fall down seven times. You are about to get up eight. But you find yourself looking up into faces filled with loathing and contempt. As Tabby concludes:

_I'm tired of the damn mask.  When I hit the concrete ... others just look at me and tell me to scoop myself back up and clean myself off. I've got not a soul to help me and no one even lends me a hand to pull up on off the concrete._​Why bother? Maybe we should just go on strike. *Hautbois* has this to say:

_I decided after my session with my therapist that I am no longer going to put on the mask to pretend that everything is "just perfect."  Right now with me, what you see is what you get. I have family and friends telling me that this is not me, that they know me. I now tell them that they do NOT know me._​They do not know us. They actually think we are the mask we wear. The true ?us? beneath, the one who occasionally surfaces, scares the hell out of them. When we slap the mask back on, then they congratulate us for returning to our ?true? selves. Confused? Sometimes even we lose track of who we really are. As *Jessi* puts it:

_I've been doing this for so long (especially in the past year), that I have forgotten how to take this mask off. Sometimes I wonder what I'd really be like if I had less reservations and let myself go just a little bit. I sort of miss myself. But I've become so uptight and subdued, I don't remember who I am anymore._​With your help, I am looking forward to a lot more exploration on this topic. But for now, let?s conclude on a note conditional healing. As *Nonethewiser* writes:

_My gift for my husband yesterday on Christmas was me crashing and burning. I couldn't stop crying all morning.  When I went in to take my shower, I ended up slumping to the floor instead.  My crying turned into sobs, then into the shakes. The more I sobbed, the louder they became.

He came running in to find out what happened.  At this time I was curled up in the fetal position.  I have never expressed the thoughts and feelings from bipolar with my husband.  I knew he could do nothing about them, and would do no good having him know these things._​Somehow, Nonethewiser managed to get herself together for Christmas with the family, and at the end of the day she had this to reflect upon:

_Today I feel like a great burden has been lifted off my heart and mind. Will I stop carrying this torment around with me for the rest of my life? I doubt it, it's my bipolar and it's what I do. Just because I was finally able to share it doesn't mean it's been erased.  It will always follow me no matter where I go, or what I do. But just maybe my load will be a little lighter._​


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## forgetmenot

Wow a very good post.  The tight rope the mask all of it.  Funny i was going to post how i felt at times that i have shattered into a thousand pieces and was not able to put them back together again   This post just hits it right on so much for me


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## splitastone

This is a valuable post.  Thank you.  I wonder how common this experience is?  I am interested in hearing from others on the forum who can relate to the post.


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## Jazzey

Don't we all wear that mask, to some extent?  Hiding what we see are our vulnerabilities or frailties to avoid being judged or hurt?


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## Lana

I think that masks contribute to suffering.  To hold on to the mask is to hold on to the pain.  So, do we all wear them?  I don't know.  I think it's something we think we need to do, yet it's the furthest thing from what is good for us.


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## forgetmenot

I think that wearing the mask is sometimes needed though to fit in to belong  If the mask was not on then others would not like the person underneath they would not understand. Just for surviving sake sometimes it is better to put out a persona one of strength and well being especially in a professional field.  I don't know i just find it is necessary sometimes to fit in and to survive.


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## Lana

Violet said:


> I think that wearing the mask is sometimes needed though to fit in to belong  If the mask was not on then others would not like the person underneath they would not understand. Just for surviving sake sometimes it is better to put out a persona one of strength and well being especially in a professional field.  I don't know i just find it is necessary sometimes to fit in and to survive.



You will find, Violet, that majority of people would agree with you.  But does it make the right thing to do??  The old "if everyone was jumping off the bridge, would you?" adage comes to mind.

You said that in order to fit in, one needs to wear a mask, otherwise he or she would not be liked or understood.  The problem with that is that once this mask is on, people still don't necessarily like or dislike the person underneath, nor understand them -- they don't even know they exist.  So how can that be seen as "acceptance" when the real person is never revealed??  How can they be liked or understood when everything about them, who they are is hidden from view?  

Another problem with masks is that they become "reasons" why people do not get better, do not let go of harmful habits, or adopt harmful habits, all to maintain the facade, the illusion.  And so, the person begins to supress, hide, beat, and even hate their own self for trying to emerge.  That's usually when problems get worse.

You see, no matter where you go, what you do, whatever mask you wear -- the real you will always emerge, or try to, and will seep and bleed through any face you put on.  And when the illusion of a mask begins to fail, people around see a faker, a pretender, someone not real.  THAT's what most don't like, understand, and/or accept.  The cover up.  You will find that majority that has been deceived at any time will often say, "I'd rather know the truth than be lied to".  So masks, are a form of lies...primarily to self and those around you.  There is a saying that I used to like when I was shedding my cover-up: "I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am  not."  I found that once I was able to be me, to be who I am, most liked me just fine if not more than before.  Not only that, I liked me more....faults and all.  And when someone expresses their like for me, I know it's for the real me, just as I am.  I can't even begin to tell you how good that feels.


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## SoSo

Lana, I so liked what you said, especially the last "I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not."  That really struck home with me.  In the last couple of years, I have completely dropped my mask and found out to my surprise, I like me.  I am finally who I was intended to be, me, not the person others tried to make me into by control or abuse.  Feels darn good, really good.  I am that I am, and what I am is up to me, if it is to be it is up to me.  Now, I take full responsibility for me, my life, what I make of it and the mask is off.
SoSo:thankyou2:


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## forgetmenot

I understand what you are saying but in reality one has to wear a mask if only to keep would be attackers at bay.  If one is seen as vulnerable weak then the predators come in and they do attack. Putting a mask of strength of courage wards off such attackers.  Yes one does get tired and weak from the constant hiding but to survive i found it is necessary    One who is seen as weak and fragile i found is not a good thing  Maybe im wrong here but in order to survive it has to be worn   For me it is better noone sees who is inside especially if she is weak and fragile. How else can one protect themselves


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## Jazzey

SoSo said:


> "I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not."  That really struck home with me.  In the last couple of years, I have completely dropped my mask and found out to my surprise, I like me.  I am finally who I was intended to be, me, not the person others tried to make me into by control or abuse.  Feels darn good, really good.  I am that I am, and what I am is up to me, if it is to be it is up to me.  Now, I take full responsibility for me, my life, what I make of it and the mask is off.
> SoSo:thankyou2:


Here's a shining example for you right here, Violet.  That's how you do it.



Violet said:


> I understand what you are saying but in reality one has to wear a mask if only to keep would be attackers at bay.  If one is seen as vulnerable weak then the predators come in and they do attack. Putting a mask of strength of courage wards off such attackers.  Yes one does get tired and weak from the constant hiding but to survive i found it is necessary    One who is seen as weak and fragile i found is not a good thing  Maybe im wrong here but in order to survive it has to be worn   For me it is better noone sees who is inside especially if she is weak and fragile. How else can one protect themselves



Strength doesn't miraculously appear because of the mask.  It appears when we peer inside ourselves and gather it up for real.  When we can let go long enough to be willing to explore parts of ourselves that are difficult without wearing that armor anymore.  And, in the process, being ok (or even liking) who we are - that's when you will really emanate that inner strength - not from the mask.

As Lana suggested to you earlier, it's wearing the mask that makes you vulnerable.  Not shedding it.


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## forgetmenot

I am happy for you SoSo i am  you have so much strength inside of you. Maybe someday i will get it i will understand but fear won't let me do this yet. I don't understand fully but i think fear is the culprit here.  I want so badly to let this out but fear won't allow it. im not making sense  I am sure what Lana and you and SoSo says is correct  Just as usual im confused   I hope one day to be able to take off all this armour and masks and just be at peace with me
someday perhaps someday.


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## Into The Light

your words really got me thinking, lana. i want to stop wearing the mask, because i still am insecure about who i am, or rather, how i am going to be perceived.

the trouble i have is that i really notice that certain people make me feel a certain way. when i am around some people, i end up feeling really naive and young. with others i feel incompetent. with others, i feel like i talk too much or i am boring. and then there are people where i feel stupid or airheaded. i am none of these things yet i feel like i am. being around these various people brings out those various feelings in me. it's almost like i sense that that is their perception of me, and i become that.

so - i want this to stop. i want to feel i am ok, not naive, incompetent, stupid, but a confident person who is the opposite of all those things. i want to feel like me around no matter who it is.

so i have a couple of questions. the first is, why do i feel different like that with different people?  the second is, how do i just be me regardless of who i am with? i want to be confident and strong and stop worrying what people might think.


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## David Baxter PhD

Into The Light said:


> the trouble i have is that i really notice that certain people make me feel a certain way.



Of course, no one can "make you feel" anything... it's actually you who is doing that to yourself. That's a big part of what CBT is all about.


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## Into The Light

hmm. so you think my perceptions are off then when i feel a certain (negative) way around specific people? what is it about being around them that makes me feel a certain way? are you saying i am likely misinterpreting the way they respond to me?


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## Jazzey

I don't entirely disagree, BUT I'm always resentful when I  hear/feel these words...I'm candid about what I 'need in my life'.  Moreover, I listen and really feel what others (people I care for) need in theirs.  

This lifetime is about 'give an' take'.  While we can't control others / while we can only control our own behaviours or reactions, there also has to be some level 'caring'.  A moment when the people in our lives recognize "this is what this person needs", right now.

So, while no one can make us "feel anything", the wounds can still, at times, appear.  We all need to be heard, to be validated for our needs/wants.

I wouldn't normally contradict you on this Dr. Baxter - but tonight, I really believe that this life is 'give and take'.  Otherwise, we're always caught in the vortex of dismissing our own needs for those of others'.


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## David Baxter PhD

What I'm saying is 


people can only "make" you feel a certain way if you give them that power; and
it's important to examine your assumptions about how you think people are reacting to you and why
Maybe that person really is trying to put you down or exclude you... or... maybe not.

If the objective evidence is indeed that your perceptions of a negative reaction are accurate, there is still the question of how you react to that. It is neither necessary nor reasonable to expect that everyone will like you or approve of you. Whether and how you let that affect you is within your control.

Again, this is the very essence of CBT.


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## Jazzey

David Baxter said:


> What I'm saying is
> 
> 
> people can only "make" you feel a certain way if you give them that power;




Yes, I agree on this point wholeheartedly.  



> [*]it's important to examine your assumptions about how you think people are reacting to you and why



I don't disagree with this either.  Dr. Baxter, sometimes peoples' reactions are hard to ignore/dismiss.  I'm a fairly sensitive person.  I will never fight to have someone 'accept' me for who I am - it's just me.



> Maybe that person really is trying to put you down or exclude you... or... maybe not.


Yes.  I tend to rely on people's behaviours.  That's usually is a sufficient indicator for me.  



> If the objective evidence is indeed that your perceptions of a negative reaction are accurate, there is still the question of how you react to that. It is neither necessary nor reasonable to expect that everyone will like you or approve of you. Whether and how you let that affect you is within your control.
> 
> Again, this is the very essence of CBT.



Yes, and again, I cannot disagree.  There is a balance.  At some point, the individual has to be "OK" with who they are, as a person, irrespective of the reactions they may illicit.  I agree - not everyone will "like you", "respect you"...And, each of us have to learn to accept that. But again, I also believe in being accountable for our own actions - setting a standard for how we'll deal with people (irrespective of whether we like / respect them or not) and sticking to it.  Then again, that's my own personal philosophy so that I can look at myself in the mirror every morning.  I really try and abide by "one" standard for everyone.  I don't always succeed, but that is my goal.


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## David Baxter PhD

> Yes. I tend to rely on people's behaviours. That's usually is a sufficient indicator for me.



IF your interpretation/perception of their behavior is accurate.

For example, an individual in a paranoid state fully believes that (is convinced that) certain things are a certain way. To other more objective individuals, it is clear that the the paranoid individual is misinterpreting random events or the actions and reactions of other people around him.


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## Jazzey

Ok.  I'm the first to admit to having been guilty of this kind of perception.  When I posted I was relating more to 'consistent' behaviours from those around us.  Behaviours that are repeated despite our speaking out on it. 

Dr. Baxter, I'm not arguing with you - I see both sides of the coin. I just think that, at times, we're entitled to express our needs and, expect to have those who care for us, actually 'hear' what it is we're saying.

But again, I'm not sure we're disagreeing.  At the end of the day, isn't it all about communicating with those we love?  Expressing our needs?  

And again, I don't know.   While I may, at times, express myself with some kind of fortitude, I'm still figuring it out.


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## David Baxter PhD

Actually, what I'm talking about here really has nothing at all to do with anyone else. It's all about challenging your own perceptions and interpretations and ensuring that there aren't alternate interpretations or reactions which might change how you were feeling initially. The other person in this equation is irrelevant - at least to this point.


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## Lana

Into The Light said:


> so i have a couple of questions. the first is, why do i feel different like that with different people?  the second is, how do i just be me regardless of who i am with? i want to be confident and strong and stop worrying what people might think.


Hi ITL;
Sorry for such a late response...I haven't been around much today.

To begin addressing the questions you posed, first you need to answer the following:

1. What differentiates one person from another to you?  How do they differ as to evoke a different reaction?

2. to be you, you have to know you...and you have to let go of expectations that you THINK others have of you or let go of trying to please them or impress them.  In other words, you have to like yourself and not depend on others assessments of who you are.

3. What does "confident and strong and stop worrying" mean to you?  think of specific examples.

4. This one's a biggie: Why do you care what others think or you, or how they see you?  What does their perception signify for you?

When you can answer these questions, you'll begin to see how it's not so much about "them" but everything about "you".


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## Into The Light

> 2. to be you, you have to know you...and you have to let go of expectations that you THINK others have of you or let go of trying to please them or impress them. In other words, you have to like yourself and not depend on others assessments of who you are.


that certainly has me thinking. how do i learn to know me? i feel like i don't know half of me yet.



> 4. This one's a biggie: Why do you care what others think or you, or how they see you? What does their perception signify for you?


this is something that drives me crazy. i am a people pleaser because i fear rejection. if i get rejected then i'm not good enough as a person. i know this is illogical thinking but it is so deeply ingrained at an emotional level. logically i know it's nonsense, but when i'm interacting with those people it just kicks in. i suppose the answer to this is to use CBT over and over until my thinking automatically changes?


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## Lana

Into The Light said:


> that certainly has me thinking. how do i learn to know me? i feel like i don't know half of me yet.


I can say this with confidence that you're correct in saying that you don't know half of you yet.  One of the main reasons why that is, is because you rely on what you think others feel about you.  One way of getting to know that part of you is to stop looking for other peoples validation or approval.  That means, trusting yourself and your own judgment, knowing and being comfortable in the knowledge that being you means that some won't appreciate you or even like you and being ok with that.  Basically, you have to like, if not love, being in your own skin -- who you are as you are.  There are many things that you do not accept or like about yourself and this "others interpretation" business is really a form of transference.  You transfer your own self-dislike onto others and further away from your own grasp and control.  In essence, you're putting a wall between your self and self-perception.



Into The Light said:


> this is something that drives me crazy. i am a people pleaser because i fear rejection. if i get rejected then i'm not good enough as a person. i know this is illogical thinking but it is so deeply ingrained at an emotional level. logically i know it's nonsense, but when i'm interacting with those people it just kicks in. i suppose the answer to this is to use CBT over and over until my thinking automatically changes?


You fear rejection, but the only person that constantly rejects you is your self.  Looking for other's acceptance is like saying "I can't stand myself but won't you please accept me for me."  You fear it, yet in a way, you do it to yourself.  this is particularly evident in the self talk you give yourself when you think that others don't care for you.  It's as if you use others to reinforce your own negative feelings about yourself.  

While writing this, I kept remembering a time when I was seeing my doctor for something, I also said to him that when I press on a certain spot on my head it hurt...a lot.  He turned around and looked at me in a peculiar way and said, "Then stop pressing."  The absurdity of that at made me laugh so hard.  How true it all was.  I know that what some of us go through is hardly "pressing a point on the head", but the principle is the same: most of our fears and anxieties are self-inflicted and superimposed on others to make it more "valid".


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## Into The Light

i really appreciate the feedback lana, thank you. it is really insightful. looks like i have a lot of work ahead of me.

thanks again.


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## Lana

You're most welcome, ITL.  :hug:

Think of this....you know when you have a friend that you adore, but some say they don't like that person...our instinct is to acknowledge that other friends don't care for that person, but it doesn't diminish or invalidate our own like of them, right?  It's the same thing when liking yourself....sure, there may be flaws, but that's what makes you so wonderful.


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## Jazzey

David Baxter said:


> Actually, what I'm talking about here really has nothing at all to do with anyone else. It's all about challenging your own perceptions and interpretations and ensuring that there aren't alternate interpretations or reactions which might change how you were feeling initially. The other person in this equation is irrelevant - at least to this point.



I had to think about this for a while, but I now understand what you were saying.


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## unionmary

David Baxter said:


> Wearing the Mask, Acting "Normal"
> by  John McManamy
> Thursday, December 31, 2009



Wow!


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## Into The Light

i've been mulling this over for a bit and trying to figure out this need to please others.

i am discovering that my thinking tells me i want to be a "good person" - whatever that means. apparently being a "good person" for me means that i need to give other people what i think they want - and i am talking about strangers and acquaintances, not those that are close to me. so, i am only a "good person" if i give them what i think they want - even if it goes against what i want or need. it means letting myself be walked all over for fear of not being liked.

when i think about not doing this, and not going out of my way to please others (again, not those close to me), i feel like i am incredibly selfish. selfish for not caring about what these others want from me. because in reality i don't truly care. i care about ME.

it's a totally different story around people that i love and care about deeply. i don't feel selfish there at all. there i can negotiate and we can compromise on needs. but when it comes to acquaintances or strangers, i see myself as selfish if i don't meet their needs that i perceive them having.

can anyone relate and how do i get rid of this feeling that i am an evil, selfish, self-absorbed person for not really wanting to go out of my way to make these others happy? this feeling that this makes me evil and self-absorbed is really strong and i am surprised by it. then again, maybe i am selfish and that's just an ugly side of me. a trait of being human. others don't go out of their way to make me happy so in the end aren't we all the same that way?


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## forgetmenot

I can relate to wanting to  help people to give them what they need to meet their needs to make them happy.  I think it is just inbred in ones mind to always look out for others  I really never think about me just that i want to be useful.
How to undue these thoughts well therapy helping me to see sometimes i have to look at my needs not to keep wearing a mask that i am strong all time.
I too am a people pleaser to everyone and when i hear disappointment or anger or any negative feedback i feel i failed somehow and i just beat myself up and try even harder to do the right thing.    Why do we care so much what people think or say because we all want to be accepted somehow. I just need to feel i am important and what i do does matter somewhat. so i guess i am being selfish because what i do fills this need in me whatever that is.  I hope i am making sense  sorry if i am not.


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## Lana

Into The Light said:


> i've been mulling this over for a bit and trying to figure out this need to please others.
> 
> i am discovering that my thinking tells me i want to be a "good person" - whatever that means. apparently being a "good person" for me means that i need to give other people what i think they want - and i am talking about strangers and acquaintances, not those that are close to me. so, i am only a "good person" if i give them what i think they want - even if it goes against what i want or need. it means letting myself be walked all over for fear of not being liked.
> 
> when i think about not doing this, and not going out of my way to please others (again, not those close to me), i feel like i am incredibly selfish. selfish for not caring about what these others want from me. because in reality i don't truly care. i care about ME.
> 
> it's a totally different story around people that i love and care about deeply. i don't feel selfish there at all. there i can negotiate and we can compromise on needs. but when it comes to acquaintances or strangers, i see myself as selfish if i don't meet their needs that i perceive them having.
> 
> can anyone relate and how do i get rid of this feeling that i am an evil, selfish, self-absorbed person for not really wanting to go out of my way to make these others happy? this feeling that this makes me evil and self-absorbed is really strong and i am surprised by it. then again, maybe i am selfish and that's just an ugly side of me. a trait of being human. others don't go out of their way to make me happy so in the end aren't we all the same that way?



With those you love and care about....you know them, and they know you.  There is no need to come up with reasons or rationalizations about what they think or want or need.  Nor is there an insecurity about how they feel or think of you.   

With strangers, you do not have the benefit of such knowledge.  There is no way to say how a stranger will think of you and what you say or do.  And this is the hook that clouds the issue: you fill in these gaps with your own views and perceptions.  If you think you're not good enough, you transfer that onto this stranger making it as if he or she feels the same.  This, in turn, pushes you to do more despite your own reservations or desires.  You find yourself doing things you don't want or like only to please "him" or "her".  

The reality is, that all this display of "giving someone what they want", is the need to give yourself what you need and want.  Another reality is that strangers cannot possibly fill you with what you need for many reasons.  One, they don't see you the way you see yourself.  Two, they may not have a clue of what your actions and efforts mean to you.  Third, they may not even be aware that you're struggling to please.  Fourth, your actions can mean different things to them.  And so on.  The list is endless.   It's an abyss of impossibilities really.

And that's not the worst of it.  The worst is that every single time you see a stranger (which is pretty often and regular), you throw yourself into the same impossible task and look into this abyss of impossibilities for validation of who you are and what you're worth.  Ideally, you only have to look in the mirror and within.  There you will find all that you seek, want, and need.  Your loved ones see it, your friends do also, as do those you care about...and us here, at Psychlinnks.  Use all those as your encouragement and support -- and then look only within to see that you are wonderful just as you are.  Know it and believe it...no matter what any one stranger thinks.  And trust me...if you see that beauty within yourself...others will also....and those that don't are probably staring into their own abyss of impossibilities.


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## Jazzey

Into The Light said:


> can anyone relate and how do i get rid of this feeling that i am an evil, selfish, self-absorbed person for not really wanting to go out of my way to make these others happy? this feeling that this makes me evil and self-absorbed is really strong and i am surprised by it. then again, maybe i am selfish and that's just an ugly side of me. a trait of being human. others don't go out of their way to make me happy so in the end aren't we all the same that way?



Yes, I can relate.  How do you get rid of the feelings of not being a good person?  By actually practicing and practicing and, practicing.  Learn to say no.  The first few times you will feel 'mean' so rationalize out why it is that saying no in that instant doesn't make you a mean person.  As time goes by, it gets easier.  

"Selfishness" is always used as a derogatory or denigrating.  But really, when we can pause long enough selfishness isn't always a negative trait.  It's what allows us to protect our needs.  

I'm still learning ITL.  One trick that I've learned to so - when I'm asked to do something that I don't want to or can't but I struggle with doing it anyway - I tell the person that I need a little time to think about it ("I need to look at my agenda", or whatever...).  Then I have a bit of extra time to look at the whole situation more objectively and assess why it is that I am or am not willing to do *the thing*.


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## David Baxter PhD

Jazzey said:


> One trick that I've learned to so - when I'm asked to do something that I don't want to or can't but I struggle with doing it anyway - I tell the person that I need a little time to think about it ("I need to look at my agenda", or whatever...).  Then I have a bit of extra time to look at the whole situation more objectively and assess why it is that I am or am not willing to do *the thing*.



I often do that for another reason: Usually, it's not that I don't want to say yes or no. Rather, it's that I'm busy or otherwise preoccupied and I don't *know* whether I want to say yes or no.  Getting that extra time means I don't have to react on the spot and later regret my response.

I learned this trick when my children were young. I found myself saying no to things because the question or request just seemed like one more thing on my "stress list". I made a rule for myself: I cannot say no until I have considered whether there is a good reason for not saying yes. later, I expanded the rule to its present version.


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## Meg

The psychologist I've been seeing has said to me about five times in seven sessions that she doesn't think anybody else has any idea of what I'm going through because I'm so good at hiding it.  I've repeatedly argued myself in circles about my motivation/justification for doing this. I'll just say that I'm still working on this one


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## forgetmenot

In regards to the tight rope does anyone feel that they are not just walking on it but that they themselves are in fact the tight rope. Sometimes it feels like i am about to unravel because of all the weight put on and that i am about to just snap from being stretched so tight.  You think if one more thing is added that will be it the rope snaps and there will be no way to permanently fix it.  It doesn't feel i am on top of it  It feels i am it. stupid ah


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