# Good Days and Bad Days



## suewatters1 (Mar 7, 2010)

Why is it that most days I feel fine and then out of the blue the suicide thoughts come back.  I am having a rough time lately with my physical health issues and trying to get another job with the Government which I am waiting for them to schedule me for the testing.  So all my insecurities are coming to the for front.  I was diagnose with a serious health problems 5 years ago and now they are saying I don't have that problem but something else which they don't know yet.  Also for the government job it very hard to past all the tests required to get to the interview stages.
So I am feeling crappy right now and not knowing where my life is heading is scarring me and bringing the suicide thoughts back.

Sue


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## Retired (Mar 7, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Hello Sue,

It sounds like you may be under more stress at the present itme than you would ordinarily have to deal with.  Are you still in contact with the support sessions at CMHA?  If so can you use that resource for support during this time?

Have you ever acted on suicidal thoughts in the past, Sue?  Is there anything else in your life that might be adding to the current stress in addition to the possible job change?


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## suewatters1 (Mar 7, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Hi Steve I saw my CMHA worker last week and my shrink last week and my Psychoanalyst 10 days ago.  The thought just started yesterday.  I have physical health issues that is not getting better which affects me every day but now the DR says the diagnose I was given a few years back is wrong and that frustrates me.  I had physical healths issues that people just don't no exactly what I have so it males it hard for me to get the right treatment.
I never tried suicide in the past just self harm.  It's just been a long time since I had strong suicide thoughts like this.  I hate parts of my life so much sometimes and this is one of those times.

Sue


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## Retired (Mar 7, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Is there someone you could call who might come over to visit or where you could go over to their placte to visit?  If not give a call to one of the local crisis lines.

Distress Centre of Ottawa and Region
P.O. Box 3457, Stn. C
Ottawa ON  K1Y 4J6
Crisis:  (613) 238-3311
Website:  Distress Centre - Ottawa and region

Child, Youth and Family Crisis Line for Eastern Ontario
Ottawa, Ontario
Crisis:  (613) 260-2360 (Ottawa)
Toll-free:  1-877-377-7775
Website:  Wecome/Bienvenue | Child, Youth and Family Crisis Line for Eastern Ontario
Service available in English and French

Mental Health Crisis Line
(Bilingual services for individuals age 16 and over)
Ottawa, Ontario
Crisis:  (613) 722-6914 (in Ottawa)
Toll-free: 1-866-996-0991 (in Counties of Prescott & Russell; United Counties of Stormont, Dundas, & Glengarry; Renfrew County)
Hours:  24 hours
Website:  Mental Health Crisis Line

Tel-Aide Outaouais
C.P. 7218, Station Vanier
Ottawa ON  K1L 8E3
Crisis:  (613) 741-6433
Website:  Tel-Aide Outaouais

Also, if you have not already done so, have a look at the first post in this thread for some thoughts on keeping yourself safe.

During this difficult time, Sue, please abstain from alcohol and/or drugs to keep your mind clear.  

Above all, keep yourself safe, but if you feel the thoughts overwhelming, call one of the crisis lines or even 911 if you feel in danger.


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## forgetmenot (Mar 7, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Hey sorry your feeling so stressed hopefully you can call your therapist maybe get an appointment to talk with him or her.  It is hard when doctors change their mind on diagnosis but hopefully they can see what exactly is wrong and get it dealt with for you.  Stay strong okay the feelings always pass although i know at the time it doesn't seem that way. I hope you feel stronger tomorrow Sue take care.


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## Retired (Mar 8, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*



> It is hard when doctors change their mind on diagnosis but hopefully they can see what exactly is wrong and get it dealt with for you.



You are right, Violet, that sometimes getting a definitive diagnosis can be tedious, frustrating and time consuming.  It may not necessarily be because the doctor or doctors change their minds, but because the training and or clinical experience of the various doctors involved may vary.  The practice of medicine is as much art as it is science, which is where the clincial experience of the physician or other health professional is so important.

There are some illnesses or disorders are difficult to diagnose, while other conditions are not always adequately reviewed during medical training, so if we, as patients or consumers of our health care feel a diagnosis is not satisfactory, we are free to ask for a second opinion from a specialist in that field.  No ethical health practitioner should refuse or take offense at seeking a second medical opinion.

It must be kept in mind, though, that some conditions may not be fully understood in current medical knowledge, so by doing our own research along with seeking the opinion of competent medical specialists should lead to a satisfactory answer.

In the end, we must be our own best advocate for our own health care.


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## suewatters1 (Mar 8, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Hi everyone. I mange to get a week off of my vacation time.  I wasn't sure if I could so I went and got a DR note at the local Clinic for a week of but when I got home I got a message from my boss saying that he arranged it for me to take this weeks off as vacations time so I will get some money for this week.
I have seen 2 good Rheumatologist in the past and I have a good Neurologist who is taking over for my regular Neurologist who is on maternity leave.  This Neurologist is in charge of the Neurology department at the Ottawa Hospital.
I left a message this pass weekend with Psychoanalyst and he called 2 hours ago.  He has a cancellation for tomorrow afternoon if I want it and I said yes.
That is my update for now 
Thanks Everyone
Sue


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## forgetmenot (Mar 8, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

I am glad you are taking such good care of you Sue and that your therapist could fit you in great news  Hopefully the specialist will have some answers for you have a good week off


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 8, 2010)

Thread split from http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/17702-thinking-about-suicide-how-to-keep-yourself-safe.html


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## Retired (Mar 9, 2010)

Sue,

First I feel your discussion and concerns should get the visibility it deserves after having been split from its original location.  What's really encouraging to learn is the way you seemto be advocating for yourself in making arrangements to consult various specialists in order to arrive at a diagnosis for the medical concerns you have.

Use the knowledge you have aquired to date to help in your conversations with your doctors, and be sure to list all the symptoms you have been experiencing over time.  Allow the doctors to express their opinions and insights freely, thus avaoiding the temptation to complain about consultations and opinions you might have about previous doctors you might have seen.

Use these visits as fresh starts, without any references to previous doctors' diagnoses, unless specifically asked about them. From my own experiences, I have found that new consulting physicians don't want to hear complaints about previous services you might have received, but rather prefer to focus on your situation here and now.

You seem to be a courageous and determined person, taking charge of your personal health care, for which you are to be commended.

We will be looking forward to hearing about the progress you might have made during these upcoming consultations.


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## suewatters1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Update: I got an appointment with my CMHA worker for this Thursday afternoon.  She squeezed me in. I was next to see her at the beginning of April but had another crisis this week.  On Sunday I did a small S.I.  Yesterday around lunch time the dark thoughts came back and all I could think of wishing I could do an S.I injury then till 2:15 pm all I kept thinking was I wish I were dead. How I hate this life at time.  The everyday things I am just tired of it all.  I left work early and went home and had a nap.  When I woke up I felt better.
But I had to go out and get my hearing aids adjusted and fixed.  After that I bought some tool and band-aids and left them in the car in case I get more S.I urges then at lunch time I go eat in my car I could do and S.I injury and put a band-aid on it before going back to work.
I called today and left a message with my Psychoanalyst about what happen this week while I had the courage to tell him so next week when I see him he can bring the subject up.  So If I don't bring it up he surely will.

Sue


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## Jazzey (Mar 16, 2010)

Hi Sue,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with SI.  But, I am happy to see that you're telling your T about it. 

I don't know if this will be helpful -but hear me out.  The last time I saw my psychologist, SI was part of the conversation.  I've been reluctant to do many things lately because I don't want people to see the scars. So, I've been avoiding activities that I used to really enjoy and, avoiding certain medical tests.

My psychologist said something that, on the surface may seem so innocuous - but, for whatever reason, it resonated with me - she told me to "own those scars", to 'be accountable for them'.  As a kind of homework - she asked me to go swimming again (which I used to love doing when the scars weren't there).  

...I went swimming.  And since then, I've gone for some medical assessments.  I've owned each of those scars.


The point of this - ever since she told me to own them, to be accountable for them, I haven't SI'd.  On some days, I've had some urges - and then I remember the accountability factor of it all.

I can say this though - buying / keeping tools and band-aids around you is a sure-fire way to give yourself permission to go ahead and give into those urges. For me personally - not having those items around me forces me to really think long and hard (during the urges) as to whether the urge is soooo strong that I have to make the effort to obtain everything...It's usually long enough for me to distract myself with something else.

Sending you support Sue.  I don't know if what I've posted makes any sense.  It's helped me somehow...:hug::support:


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## forgetmenot (Mar 17, 2010)

Hey Sue I am glad you got earlier appointment with you therapist.  Good for you getting the help you need.  Can you just throw away all your tools you harm with just get rid of them that way you will be forced to use positve coping skills okay.  I hope your therapist does bring this topic up with you next time so you can get some feedback on how to stop it next time.  Each time you don't harm yourself it is a victory Sue so if you can just throw away your tools so to speak it will help you have more victories.  take care okay glad you are reaching out here as well take care


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## suewatters1 (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

I just wanted to let people know I am having a bad day today,  Actually the last few days haven't been great but today is worse.  I email my Psychiatrist my feeling of suicide and I called my Psychoanalyst and left a message with about my feeling to want to end my life but I won't because to many people love me.  I feel lost and trapped in this world and I need help to get untrapped. I am not sure where my life is heading and I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life because I feel lost and not sure what direction I should be going in life.  Thanks for letting me vent my thoughts.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Hope your therapist or someone get back to  you soon Sue  It is not a good place you are in now.  If they don't call you call crisis okay just to talk.  It helps to hear a real caring voice 
Maybe your medication needs changing a bit who knows but if you are feeling worse call crisis okay to get that support you do need to feel better  take care of you okay  Do it sooner rather then later while you still have the strength to reach out for some help.


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## suewatters1 (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Thank you Violet.I will be fine. I am just so frustrated the way my life is turning out. Tomorrow I go see my CMHA worker. We are going to the ODSP office to inquire about working part time and collect money from ODSP


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## forgetmenot (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

That will be a good start Sue  maybe working will help you feel better some.  Work always manages to bring me back to some kind of stabilty.  I am glad you will have help tomorrow and glad you were able to vent a bit here get the pain out and frustration out a bit here.  Let us know how it goes with ODSP okay   I am sure they will help you when working parttime too.  take care.


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## suewatters1 (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

Thanks Violet.  I have been working but not always full time.   Either because of physical reason or mental health reason.  The problem is more the fact that the harassment I endured at work for years because of my physical health. Some people just hate disabled people and they made my life feel like hell.  It has improved but I can't forget the past. 
I have been at the same job for 26 years.  I just need to find balance in my life and I need to know what direction I should be going towards.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe*

I remember Sue how hard it was for you.  Perhaps ODSP will get you a job that people will be more understanding of your disability    I hope your therapist will help you find the direction you need  guide you so to speak.  Just take small steps okay  first one talking to ODSP to see what help they can give.  take care


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## suewatters1 (Nov 5, 2010)

I applied for ODSP I meet their financial requirement.  Now I am waiting for the medical forms needed for my DRs to filled out,
I received my WSIB reports for some of my claims.  I found it very interesting to read the reports.  In 2008 I was feeling suicidal was going to physio therapy due to a work related injury.  I told the physio man that I was thinking of suicide.  He told my employers.  I had a WSIB nurse call me wanted to help me but promised me help and she never gave it to me.  It say in the report I was seeing the crisis team more then once of the issues of harassment  from the people I work with.  I wanted time off to deal with the harassment and stress.  I wanted to open a claim for stress and was told by WSIB that their is no claim allowed for stress.  I told him thinking about suicide is not normal stress.  It was around that time that I I did my first SI injury.  In the report it mentions that the Health and Safety Lady said she researches this on the internet and felt I had a claim.  If I would have gotten the help I was begging for thing would have been different in my life right now.  No I went down hill from then and I had more thoughts of SI and Suicide.  5 months later I had to on sick leave I had a depersonalization episode that afternoon and two weeks later.  I have been trying to open a claim for all the time I lost last year due to the harassment from the people at work, but know with the reports I got showing that 5 months before my sick leave that The H&S manger should have told me that she felt I had claim. She actually has a duty to file form 7 because she knew I was getting medical help to help me deal with the constant harassment  They did nothing for me.  I just got worse and worse doing SI injuries more often and thinking more of suicide.   So the company could have given time off like I was asking for and not letting me spiral out of control..  I still do SI Injuries and I still think about suicide.  That is where I am at today.  I am a little over medicated so it took me longer to right this post  I just needed to get this off my chest so to speak
Thanks everyone


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## forgetmenot (Nov 5, 2010)

I hope you get the help now you need the support you need and i hope you start to heal from the past  i really do.  Good for you for keeping up the fight okay  Take care let us know how everything works out  :2thumbs:


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## suewatters1 (Nov 9, 2010)

I had a lot of pain Monday morning.  Like a pinched nerve in my knee and I over medicated myself to deal with the pain.  After lunch it took everything I had to stay awake. I was tired or over tired most of the evening but I still can't sleep even with my sleeping pill. I go for my daytime sleep test on Wednesday I will try not to take any pain meds if I can because I don't want to get drowsy when I shouldn't because I don't want to lose my license but I need to control the pain. When it gets bad on a scale of 1 to 10 it's an 8.  My thoughts go to amount of pain I feel and how unbearable.  I am feeling than I lose my concentration because I am focusing on the pain.  Thank God I have a easy job but it's been 5 months worth of pain that gets unbearable.  Right now my furnace is almost empty of oil and I can't anymore because my furnace got tagged as unsafe.  I was trying to get one from the RRAP program but they ran out of money by the time they got to my file.  I bought a couple of oil heaters on sale a couple of weeks back and might need more.  I wonder when will I get a break in life  I feel the company I work for stole 6 years of my life by the way they treated me since I became a disable employee and wanted to open a WSIB claim for the stress and harassment 2 years ago and get time off from work I was told no but just found out that the Health and Safety person agreed I had a right to open a claim.  I just found that out a few weeks ago 2 years to late. I have been with them 26 years and not everything is bad I want to reclaim my life back but I am still mad that I feel I lost 6 years of my life where I gambled and got in debt over my head to deal with the stress.  Where I learned to do self harm and to have thoughts of suicide because of  those 6 years.  I have to get up early so I can go to my Chiropractor for my session paid by WSIB.  But I can't seem to fall asleep but considering I how tired I was most of the day I thought I would be out like a light by now.
Just needed to vent my frustration


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## Keisha86 (Dec 13, 2010)

Hi Sue, 
The thought of suicide is a very serious subject. I believe you should join discussion groups pertaining to this matter to help you through this difficult time in your life. You are not alone in your situation, what ever it may be, you must find your purpose and others can help you. By you speaking out and networking you can give others the dealing with same issues the strength and the courage to seek help.
                                                                                                    Take Care


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## suewatters1 (Dec 13, 2010)

Thank You I am getting counseling from my CMHA worker and my Psychoanalyst and my Psychiatrist.  My Psychiatrist I felt wasn't doing enough to help me with my depression so I went to the local clinic and the DR increased my medication for my depression last week. My Psychiatrist isn't happy when I emailed him this information but I need to get rid of the suicide thoughts I kept having.
Update I ran out of heating oil last week now I use two space heaters and my oven to heat my house.  I got approved for the Government RRAP program but it's to late for me to get a gas line installed for the new gas furnace I am suppose to get.


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