# Hey



## Mike (Oct 26, 2008)

I'm not doing so well. I'm an ex-junkie who just got off felony probation. I have 13 months clean today. I was in love with a girl and she broke up with me, then hooked up with another dude three weeks later. I've really been wondering what's the point lately. My self esteem is at an all time low, and suicide is looking like a good way out right now. Every day is an uphill battle, and I'm tired of it. Tired of pain and frustration. It's really getting old. I've been praying my ass off. Haven't been working much in my cognitive behavioral therapy books though. Sometimes they're painful for me, because I see how my twisted thinking has ****ed up my life, and it makes me feel like an idiot. I'd go back to drugs in a second if I thought they'd make me feel any better. Man, I sure am miserable right now.


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## white page (Oct 26, 2008)

Hi Mike;
I am sorry that you are feeling so down at this moment , you did well to post here , you say that you are 13 months clean today , that is a reason to celebrate . Heck you have had much to cope with in your life , a new life to reconstruct and it is normal to have periods of discouragement and just sheer exhaustion .



> Haven't been working much in my cognitive behavioral therapy books though. Sometimes they're painful for me, because I see how my twisted thinking has ****ed up my life,


are you working with a therapist  or are you trying this reconstruction all by yourself ?

Do not be so hard on yourself as past thinking has root causes and  the circumstances of which you were not responsible for , you have taken the first steps which are the hardest , the steps towards change and a deeper understanding of yourself , this takes great courage .
Hang in there and keep posting , if you are feeling the need call a hotline , as 
there are many sources of help and support for these moments of deep discouragement .:support:

take care and I think you can be very proud of yourself to have come so very far .

white page


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## suewatters1 (Oct 26, 2008)

Mike sorry you are having a rough time. Congratulation on the fact you have been clean for 13 months. That is something you must really be happy about. Many people wish they could stay clean and wish they could have your 13 months of staying clean.
Regarding relationships. I had 3 of them my first one I married and he cheated on me couldn't keep a job and I took him back. We only stayed married for 3 years and we lived together for 1 year before that and I still loved him. You would never believe why we split up. He realized what his true identity was. It was to be a female. So now he is a transgender female and happy.
After we split up I met a man who didn't have good work ethics and didn't know how to control his spending and the third man I had was an older man who was a controlling person.

I realize now that I learned from those experiences and I have grown as a woman because of this. I am now in love with a man I believe is my soulmate. He is shy and reserved and I believe he feels something for me but got burnt real bad by 2 women that now I feel he has a hard time to be relaxed with a woman. I think afraid to get burned again.

If I didn't have those bad experiences in my life I wonder if I would have recognized who my soulmate really is. I would probably never think of him as my soulmate but now I know a good man when I see him and he is special.

It is going to hurt for a while but realize there is woman out there just waiting to meet you to get to know the real you the man with a good heart and soul and a woman who will appreciate what you have to offer.

Man did I cry when me and my ex husband broke up. But with time it got better.
Life just isn't fair sometimes but I now see it as a learning experience to help me grow to become the person I was meant to be.

I feel for you I hope you could try to hang on to realize there are other great people out there waiting to meet you.

Sue


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## Mike (Oct 26, 2008)

white page said:


> Hi Mike;
> 
> are you working with a therapist  or are you trying this reconstruction all by yourself ?



No therapist. Doing it myself.


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## white page (Oct 26, 2008)

> No therapist. Doing it myself.



Mike ,this is admirable , you may be at a point where a therapist would be a very good idea , a therapist is a very necessary saftey net , when we reach these moments of insight about ourselves , we have moments of grief , when we feel that we have just totally messed up , may I just say , the past is past , we are powerless to rewrite those pages , however we can use them as experience and concentrate on the present which we can do somthing about , this is where you are now , coming here is a way of being powerful about your present , reaching out and asking for support , that is such a positive and caring thing to do for yourself .
Is it possible for you to find a therapist who can accompany you on this new 
way of being ? 
take care 
white page


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## Mike (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks you Suewatters1, quite a backstory you have. tough stuff to get through I'm sure. I have a little saying that there's nothing I don't like about me that I can't change, and it's never too late to become the person I was born to be. I believe all that, but sometimes it gets kicked out of my head for a while. Sometimes for too long and I nearly forget about it completely. I'm sure I am growing, always moving forward, but it's really painful to get there sometimes.

white page, thanks for the advice and kind words. It really has made me feel a bit better. I completely forget about all the positives in my life sometimes. 

I've never seen a therapist at all and doubt I can afford one. It would be nice, but I don't see it in the cards.


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## white page (Oct 26, 2008)

Mike , 
I don't know which part of the world you are in , but surely there are places like health centres where you are, which provide free help for persons who aren't in a position to pay . worth trying to find out .Maybe other members would know more than I do .......

It makes me happy that you are feeling better about yourself . What are the 
cognitive behavioural books that you are studying ? only say if you want to ,
I don't mean to be intrusive 
best wishes WP


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## suewatters1 (Oct 26, 2008)

> I have a little saying that there's nothing I don't like about me that I can't change, and it's never too late to become the person I was born to be. I believe all that, but sometimes it gets kicked out of my head for a while. Sometimes for too long and I nearly forget about it completely. I'm sure I am growing, always moving forward, but it's really painful to get there sometimes.



Mike It gets kick out of my head also This quote is exactly a quote I could say. I forget sometime and other times I remember. I have good days and bad days and sometimes half a day that is good then it turns bad and I forget that quote. I think I will have to copy this quote and print it off to remind myself of this.
Also Mike I went and saw my family DR about 1 month after me and my ex split up and asked her to find me shrink to talk to. Talk therapy helped me to deal with the breakup faster then if I would have did it on my own without help. I also join a group call Joy Of Living. It's a non denominational group of people who have gone through divorce, break up of any kind or a death of a loved one. Maybe check to see if there is any kind of groups like that in your area.

The best of luck

Sue


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## Sparrow (Oct 26, 2008)

HeyHeyHey Mike,

    Never lose sight of what you have. It could be 13 months, or 1 minute.
Don't go back. Just bebopping this forum makes you better than that. 
Kinda good to hear you praying your butt off, as I do a tad of that at the end of my day too. 
    If you scream in pain, that's okee-dokee too :hair: .
 Stay strong, and take care of yourself. And don't overlook other support around you either.

    Remember KISS Mike


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 26, 2008)

13 months is incredible!!! You should be so proud of yourself!!!
Keep hanging on! I know it must be so hard for you, especially after losing a girlfriend, but maybe it means there is someone else out there better for you? 
Try to think positive, you can do this 

Good luck!


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## Mike (Oct 26, 2008)

white page said:


> What are the
> cognitive behavioural books that you are studying ? only say if you want to ,
> I don't mean to be intrusive
> best wishes WP



I'm doing _10 Days to Self Esteem_ (taking much more than 10 days btw) _The Feeling Good Handbook_, and _Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy_. Any other recommendations are welcome.

Thanks for the kind words everyone.


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## suewatters1 (Oct 26, 2008)

Hey Mike my counselor at the Canadian Mental health Association used this book with me and I bought one for myself and a friend. 

Amazon Online Reader : The Self-Esteem Workbook

Sue


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## healthbound (Oct 27, 2008)

Hey Mike,
Welcome to psychlinks 
I know my post is a little late, but thought I'd reply anyway.

Congrats on 13 months.  I've used many substances/tactics throughout the years to take me away from my reality. One of the most challenging things about my reality is my emotions.  Especially the uncomfortable ones.  When I'm feeling them, it's like I forget that they will pass.  I think I'm going to feel like crap forever.  And when it comes to relationships, I "forget" that I WILL experience love again and that there ARE other people that I will connect with.  This isn't meant to take away from your experience, but it's just a reminder that even though our experiences and emotions can be extremely intense sometimes, they always pass.

It sounds like you have been doing some great things to help build new ways of thinking and dealing with things and I'm happy you posted.  Sometimes it helps just talking/posting to someone.  I'm also curious to hear what books you are reading.


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## white page (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi Mike there is a nice book , which would compliment well the books you already have, _The Artists Way_, by Julia Cameron . many useful hints about recovering creativity , which is innate in all of us . I have just discovered it myself . It helps to define what we really would like .  On the same lines as the books you already have .

Good luck and Healthbound is so very right about how we forget that misery passes.

I hope today brings inner sunshine for you.
WP


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## healthbound (Oct 27, 2008)

whoops...lol...when I posted my reply I somehow had only read page 1 and missed this:


> I'm doing 10 Days to Self Esteem (taking much more than 10 days btw) The Feeling Good Handbook, and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Any other recommendations are welcome.


I haven't read the first book you mentioned, but have used The Feeling Good Handbook and book.

How are you finding the one on self esteem?


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## Mike (Oct 27, 2008)

I like the self esteem one. I like that it's a workbook that I have to fill out and everything. It's better than just reading. I need to get back to doing that stuff. I've just felt so low lately that it's been tough to get interested in anything.


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## healthbound (Oct 27, 2008)

Nice.  I just checked to see if my local book store had a copy and they do.  I could use a little self esteem boost right about now, lol.


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## healthbound (Oct 27, 2008)

> I need to get back to doing that stuff. I've just felt so low lately that it's been tough to get interested in anything.


Maybe we can start a new thread and talk about how it's going for us as we work through the book?


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## Mike (Oct 27, 2008)

Sure. That sounds like a cool idea.


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## healthbound (Oct 27, 2008)

Cool.  I'll pick up the book today then.  Any other takers?  I won't be able to start reading/doing it until tomorrow so I'll start the thread then.

I've read/used his other books (Feeling Good book and workbook) and they worked well for me so I'm looking forward to checking this one out


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## white page (Oct 27, 2008)

I would love to join in , but I have to order English books which can take weeks and weeks !!.


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## healthbound (Oct 27, 2008)

OK.....So, I bought the book.  It's a bit thicker than I thought...considering it's only supposed to take ten days to whip me into shape, lol.



> I would love to join in , but I have to order English books which can take weeks and weeks !!.


I'm sure I'll need to go through it a couple times, WP.  I'd be happy to go through it again later if you want


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## white page (Oct 28, 2008)

healthbound said:


> OK.....So, I bought the book.  It's a bit thicker than I thought...considering it's only supposed to take ten days to whip me into shape, lol.
> 
> 
> I'm sure I'll need to go through it a couple times, WP.  I'd be happy to go through it again later if you want



that's great , in the meantime I'll follow your progress on the forum :flowers:


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## healthbound (Oct 28, 2008)

sounds good, WP  

...now I just need to figure out where to start the thread, lol!

--- doi...probably in the self esteem forum, heh heh.


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