# Is It Acceptable???



## Lonewolf (Aug 23, 2015)

I have lots of emotions trapped inside that i have recently become aware of and I am a bit nervous to talk to anyone because I don't know that what i feel is appropriate or wrong or even harmful!!! I really do not mean to upset anyone, but I have recently become very attached to a small headstone that's in a nearby graveyard!! I have no ideas who this person was!! I can sit for hours talking to them and sometimes I feel like I get a response!! I need to know whether or not it is acceptable to do this? Is it wrong to talk to this person even when they never knew me and is it disrespectful? Talking to living people always seems to have consequences!! At least this person will never leave me!! Please anyone have a view on this, tell me if I am out of order doing this?


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Aug 23, 2015)

I don't know that it's taboo to talk to the dead.  Maybe some people don't feel comfortable admitting it, although others do say, "My husband passed away, but I still talk to him." Or, "My child died in an accident.  But I celebrate what his birthday would be.  Today he'd be graduating from high school if he were still alive.  My husband and I will visit his grave, maybe leave a bow tie there for him to mark the occasion."

As far as talking to anyone who isn't related, it's probably not as commonplace, but that doesn't mean it's inappropriate.  There may be some cultures somewhere that find it "wrong" or at least "not recommended."

Personally, if it's like finding a friend who is alive, who listens to you and you feel listened to...  I don't see anything wrong with that, even if they are someone who's passed away.  It might be kind of awkward if surviving relatives or friends came by and saw you there, because they would wonder why a stranger they didn't know about would be conversing with them. They MIGHT feel like it's trespassing to them... Doesn't mean you ARE trespassing, just because they feel that way.

On the other hand, if you aren't harming anyone, and you find comfort in it, I don't see the harm.  If you aren't sure, do you have a therapist you could mention this to? It sounds like a great way to get thoughts from swirling inside your head to the outside, so that you can make sense of things easier. Some people use art, some use journals, some pray, some talk to a priest or therapist...  Some people find peace in a church, others out in nature, some on a rooftop...  You just happen to find comfort talking with someone who's dead, and the place you feel peace is a graveyard.  A form of meditation and a creative way to talk to yourself and figure things out if you ask me.

I feel you don't need to be judged, exactly, because this isn't right or wrong... Maybe you just need permission?  But if it's not possible to ask anyone (ie if this person's grave is from a long long time ago), maybe you just need to give _yourself _permission? And make sure you check with the caretakers of the grave site, to make sure you aren't locked in or not allowed in at certain times of night?


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## Retired (Aug 23, 2015)

> I can sit for hours talking to them and sometimes I feel like I get a response!!



Would you agree that the responses you get are fabricated in your own mind in the form of self talk?

Not having heard from you in a while, are you in any form of counseling or therapy that would give you the opportunity to work on the issues that have been tormenting you?

You may gain some insight from this article:

Make Your Self-Talk Work for You | Psychology Today


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## Lonewolf (Aug 23, 2015)

I guess so!! It's not my voice I hear respond, but even so, you may have a point Steve!! I have been attending counselling for a while and it has really helped me!! No self harm for just over 6 months now!! Although the S/H urges don't seem to be easing off as much as I had hoped!! I haven't spoken to the counsellor about this because I don't want her to think I am getting depressed as she told me the counselling would have to stop if I was, as it wouldn't be effective and could make it worse!!! So I am trying to find another outlet that wont effect anything else!! Does that make sense?


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Aug 23, 2015)

Well, does your counselor just mean you might need to have a visit with a physician or psychiatrist to get some medication to control your depression?  Because if you feel the therapy itself is helping you in some way, but it depresses you, surely you can at least deal with it medically until your therapy helps you enough to possibly move on without again (after the doctor/psychiatrist approves that you do, of course)...

If you are just seeing the counselor but not telling the truth and putting yourself in danger by getting further depressed, isn't that the opposite of what you want?


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## Lonewolf (Aug 23, 2015)

I do tell her the truth and I think she knows me well enough now to know if I am trying to disguise something!! I do how ever find the time between the sessions difficult and this is where the grave stone came in!! I intend to talk to her about it, I am nervous that's all!! We are in the midst of very, very painful stuff and I would be destroyed if I stuffed it up because of the old stupid well known depression!!


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## Retired (Aug 23, 2015)

> I have been attending counselling for a while and it has really helped me!! No self harm for just over 6 months now!!



I am so happy for you to hear the wonderful progress you have madeC!  You must be very pleased with yourself.



> I intend to talk to her about it, I am nervous that's all!!



This is the wise thing to do, Lonewolf.

You may want to preface your explanation about your self-talk episodes, by simply telling your counsellor that you want to share something that you feel apprehensive about, and you would like her to know how you are feeling.

We all have our own strategies we use to soothe and calm ourselves, and this method for you seems to provide some comfort.  Perhaps when you discuss it with your counsellor, she may have some suggestions as to how you can gain the most benefit from your self talk.


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## MHealthJo (Aug 24, 2015)

So proud of what you've been able to do during this time Lonewolf. Well done. This is really really a big thing and an excellent thing. 

Hope that you can remember each day to tell yourself how well you have done and how well you are doing, in taking all these steps and the continuation of commitment in getting yourself to the appointments, following suggestions, etc. Great work.     

(Along those lines, self-talk is such a big thing isn't it, and small things like that - such as every day telling yourself how good any positive thing is - doing something that is right or good for you, even the basic everyday things of what humans need to do every day. If you remember to keep trying hard to remind yourself the good and right that you are doing each day, it is a good thing.   )

Something that I think humans look for is connection. And it is true that it is so hard, thinking about the worry or fact that connections that we have made could end somehow. It's also so hard for some people, trying to figure out who can be trusted, who one can or should make connections with, and how to make those connections. 

"Backup connections" that are not quite the same as the challenges of typical types of  human connections, can be quite invaluable can't they. Pets are one excellent thing that are a bit like this, although, things can go wrong and things can end with a pet or a connection of that type. 

There are certainly so many people who think about and seek something that to them is something representing a kind of permanence and unchanging enduringness.

Maybe this is part of what draws people to other types of connections, such as a connection with a God or supreme being or something. 

As long as the personality that is cast in the 'person' that we want to make these types of connections with, is a kind, good, loving, compassionate, and stable person, supportive of positive things and things that are healthy and good for us,  it is fairly widely thought that spiritual connections that bring something positive and some sort of outlet into life, can be positive and helpful for many people. 

I think if it is a  positive connection or outlet that you feel in doing something like this, I can't see what's too concerning about it (at this stage and in what I know of what is happening, anyway) - in a way, lots of people do different sorts of things that make them feel a sort of a connection with other forms of life or with the circle of life. Some people use nature or art or all kinds of things that bring them a feeling like that. Sometimes graveyards or  genealogical information or historical information can simply be very interesting, seeing the life that has come before us and the people that have lived and what they experienced. We all need to feel some sort of connection, and I have noticed that different people do it in a huge variety of different ways. 

I guess there is a small possibility that the relatives could be there on the same day and the same time as you, but as I mentioned before, sometimes people do look at the lives that have come before them out of interest, and I don't feel that that is disrespectful, personally. 

In the small chance that this happened, and they did come along and see you, I guess at any time after that, you could simply begin walking if you saw those same people coming along, so as not to appear that you are sticking in that same place all the time. 

I would also yeah, try to keep a counsellor in the loop about what is happening with this connection that you are feeling - in case you feel that you have gotten responses but just in case the responses aren't always something that seems to be kind to you and good for you.


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## PrincessX (Aug 24, 2015)

It is acceptable, Lonewolf. You don't need a permission from anybody to visit a grave.
I think you are making a lot of progress and working very hard on identifying issues that bother you. Spending some time with yourself, admitting some truths and debating others, these are steps towards self-acceptance, even though,  you are actually talking to the deceased.
Would you trust your therapist enough to tell her or him the things you tell this deceased person? You can even ask for empathetic listening and less feedback at the beginning.
 I think, it might be a good idea to use these conversations at the grave as rehearsals for your next session, like to alleviate the anxiety of being judged or rejected/ not accepted?
Are these some possible reasons for you to talk to someone who is deceased? Fear from judgement/ unacceptance, even fear of harm if you trust a living person,  like your therapist? I know how hard it is trust  again once you have been seriously traumatized.


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## Lonewolf (Aug 24, 2015)

There is only 3 initials and the year 1846 on this grave stone!! Somehow I am drawn to it!


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 24, 2015)

What are the initials?


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## HBas (Aug 25, 2015)

Hey,

Any means is which you let go and open up is good. Just don't get too attached to that one specific headstone and cause yourself obsessive behavior or separation anxiety or anything that can harm you even more.

Just remember that this is one of the places you can open up and keep a balance. You open up at the tombstone, you open up here, you surely have therapy and there are many ways but balance is important. 

Take care of you.


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## Lonewolf (Aug 25, 2015)

The initials are H G W on the headstone!! I call him Hugh!! Don't have any reasons for it!! It just is!!


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## PrincessX (Aug 25, 2015)

Thanks, Lone wolf.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 25, 2015)

Maybe it's H.G. Wells, the author. [emoji4]


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## Mari (Aug 30, 2015)




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