# I'm running out of energy...



## Banned (Apr 18, 2006)

I feel like every day I have to make a conscious decision to live. I have to choose not to die, although my thoughts during the day are about how I could die, when, etc etc. I hate living like this. It takes so much energy to fight to stay alive every day, and I'm running out of energy. I just don't have the fight left in me. The one thing that keeps me going is that I'm Catholic and was taught that if I take my life I can't go to heaven. I emailed my friend who is a priest to ask what the Church currently teaches. I just want to go away. I just want it to end and be over. I don't have the energy or desire to fight any more.


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## Halo (Apr 18, 2006)

Hi BG,

When I read your post it was like a huge sigh of relief because I feel the exact same way most days. Even to the point that I am also Catholic and that is one of two things that keeps me from going through with it. The other is my mother and father. I really thought that I was the only one that thought like this and that religion played a part in my struggle everyday. Please let me know what your priest says as I have been longing to ask my priest the same thing but I am too scared.

I don't really have any great wisdom for you and I am really sorry to hear that you feel so down right now (I can relate 100%). I think that we probably have a lot in common (as we know that our work situation is very similar) and all I can say is that I am here for you anytime.

Another thing I just thought of.....are you on any meds and/or do you have a therapist. Maybe you could copy this post and bring it to them to explain how you are feeling. I know for me that once I let the feelings out to my therapist I felt a sigh of relief just knowing that I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts.

Take Care 
Nancy


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## ThatLady (Apr 18, 2006)

Perhaps, hon, talking to your priest friend would be of help to you. There are times in our lives when everything looks so bleak we can't imagine that the sun will ever shine again. I think several of us here have faced those times...yet, we're all still here. For me, at least, the sun shines now. Just keep your chin up, keep talking, and we'll be here for you. Your sun is going to shine again too, luv.


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## Banned (Apr 18, 2006)

Nancy - 

I do have a therapist and I see him this afternoon. Yes, I'm going to mention this to him. He is also a priest so I'm sure he can give me both sides of the equation. I just didn't want to email him with the question, although I will ask it. I'm supposedly on meds. I'm not very good at taking them. I think it lines up with my attempts to speed up my demise - not taking meds, cutting, self-sabotage, anything to get off this earth early but fool God into thinking it's not suicide haha. I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if I should change meds. I'm also going on a leave of absence from work after this week, and as much as I have no doubt I need it, I worry about what I am capable of, being home alone and feeling like this day in and day out. It doesn't help that my therapist is leaving in two weeks for four months either.

That Lady -

Thanks so much for your kind words and taking the time to respond.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 18, 2006)

> It doesn't help that my therapist is leaving in two weeks for four months either.


Is there someone you'll be able to see in his absence? I hope so. 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It hits really close to home for me too.


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## ThatLady (Apr 18, 2006)

It is very important, in my opinion, that you have someone you can see during your therapist's absence, BG; especially, if you're feeling so low. You're particularly vulnerable without someone to talk to.

Changing meds isn't going to help much if you don't take them.  Seriously, it's important that you take your medications as directed. Otherwise, you end by placing yourself in a vicious circle of not taking your meds because you feel badly and feeling worse because you're not taking your meds. I know the temptation to just forget the darned things, but we have to recognize that subtle sign of self-dislike in ourselves and battle it for all we're worth...because we are worth one heck of a lot!

Hang in there, sweetie. We've got your back!


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## Halo (Apr 19, 2006)

Hi BG,

Wow we are so much alike it is almost scary. It is like having a person read your mind because what I think is what you are writing. I too have thought that if I make it look like an accident then the Church can't possibly think that it was suicide. Trying to convince myself of that anyway. Thank you for being brave and writing exactly what I have been thinking and letting me know that I am not alone. Also, my therapist left in November for a four month break (which is turning into a year) and I was scared and nervous that I was going to be left with no support. Hopefully you can find someone else (as I did) to take their place while they are way.

As for your meds, I too have tried skipping meds, conveniently forgetting to take them, stopping and starting and I would like to vouch that it does not work. I finally gave in to the realization that I need them and by messing with them, it only did me more harm than good....not that it was easy to accept that.

BG, please take care and I am here for you anytime you want to talk. 

Take Care
Nancy


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## Banned (Apr 19, 2006)

Thanks everyone. 

So I talked to my T last night and part of me wishes I hadn't because he kinda freaked out on me and told me if I wanted screw up therapy I just did. I guess that's the bonus for being completely open and honest about things. I just don't know any more. I do have someone lined up for when he's gone, and who knows if he'll see me in the fall when he gets back. Right now I don't even care. Do I feel any better? No, not really. I feel like I shouldn't have told him because of his reaction. I stayed the whole hour, but I kept waiting for him to say something, anything, to make me feel better, which didn't happen. Anyway, I see him again Saturday and we'll see how that goes.

I do have a doctor appointment lined up for Monday to look at my meds. I stopped taking them mainly because I just forget - but I'm going to see if I should be on a stronger dosage or something different altogether. I'll see what she says, and then go from there. I think I also stopped taking them because I don't want to deal with the fact that I need them. I hate being "sick". 

Nancy - I haven't heard back yet from my other friend on what the Church says about suicide, but when I do I'll let you know what he says. My T (who as I mentioned is also a priest) didn't really have much to say about it.


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## ThatLady (Apr 19, 2006)

How, exactly, were you supposed to have "screwed up therapy"? I don't really understand that statement, and I'd like to know what he was talking about. In my opinion, you can't "screw up therapy" by talking about the issues that are troubling you. That's supposed to be the best way to make sure therapy stays on track. 

Like I said before, your meds are important. If a diabetic doesn't take their insulin (provided it's prescribed for them), it can threaten their lives. The same is true of many illnesses to which we don't give a second thought to the medications their sufferers consume. Why should emotional illnesses be any different? I can't imagine anyone who wakes up every morning thrilled silly to get to take their medications, but...well, we gotta do what we gotta do.


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## Banned (Apr 19, 2006)

ThatLady,

You're absolutely right - I know I need to take my meds so I'm going to make a renewed effort to do so.

As for screwing up therapy, I don't know either. I guess on Saturday I'll let him decide what my issues are. That'll be safe.


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## Halo (Apr 19, 2006)

Hi Again BG,

Just to let you know that I use an online tool called Moodtracker which you helps to remember to take your medication. You can set it up where it will send you a text message on your cell or an email notification reminding you to take your meds. 

If you are interested the website is www.moodtracker.com

Might be something worth considering.
Nancy


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## Banned (Apr 19, 2006)

Thanks Nancy.

I just signed up.

PS - do you really have a Pug?


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## Halo (Apr 19, 2006)

I am glad that you signed up and maybe it will help with tracking moods and your meds...I know for me it has helped. 

As for the pug, no I don't have one although I am longing to get a dog but right now it wouldn't be fair to a dog considering that I am not home very much given that I work two jobs. Once my second job finishes in another year or two than I am definitely getting one.

Nancy


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## ThatLady (Apr 19, 2006)

BG  said:
			
		

> ThatLady,
> 
> You're absolutely right - I know I need to take my meds so I'm going to make a renewed effort to do so.
> 
> As for screwing up therapy, I don't know either. I guess on Saturday I'll let him decide what my issues are. That'll be safe.



I think I'd ask him exactly what he meant by his statement, hon. If he's going to say something like that, he really needs to explain what it means. Personally, I'd hold him accountable...but, then, that's me. I tend to wave red flags at passing bulls...


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## Banned (Apr 19, 2006)

Well, as far as I can figure, I think that was his way of threatening to terminate, because he was pissed off that I'm not taking my pills the way I should be. That's my guess. But, I feel like all we do is fight lately, so I could be reading it wrong. I'm not sure I want to reopen this can of worms although it'll probably come up on Saturday. He did send me an email today saying he felt a bit guilty for coming down so hard on me yesterday, but then proceeded to say it's because he cares and will do whatever it takes to keep me on track. It sure doesn't feel like it when he's like that but then I have to believe that he's genuine.

I don't know - some days I don't question that therapy is definitely working, but there's other days (most days) that working or not, I want to quit. I want to resign from life. I'm just at the point where I don't even dare to hope that things might get better.


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## jkb (Apr 19, 2006)

Just Wanted To Say That Im Sorry About How You Are Feeling And That I Understand About The Hope Thing. Yet We Gotta Find Even That Tiny Bit Of Hope And Grab A Hold Of It, And Keep It Close To Us ..4 Even A Glimpse Of Hope Is Powerful And It Will, If We Alow It Become Bigger And Help Carry Us Through Whatever We Face. Im Trying To Remeber This . I Am Sure Others Will Be Able To Give You A Better Response. It Was Just What Came Out. Thinking Of You


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## ThatLady (Apr 19, 2006)

BG  said:
			
		

> Well, as far as I can figure, I think that was his way of threatening to terminate, because he was ticked off that I'm not taking my pills the way I should be. That's my guess. But, I feel like all we do is fight lately, so I could be reading it wrong. I'm not sure I want to reopen this can of worms although it'll probably come up on Saturday. He did send me an email today saying he felt a bit guilty for coming down so hard on me yesterday, but then proceeded to say it's because he cares and will do whatever it takes to keep me on track. It sure doesn't feel like it when he's like that but then I have to believe that he's genuine.
> 
> I don't know - some days I don't question that therapy is definitely working, but there's other days (most days) that working or not, I want to quit. I want to resign from life. I'm just at the point where I don't even dare to hope that things might get better.



As I see it, it's encouraging that your therapist was good enough to let you know that he was feeling badly for having treated you the way he did. I guess we're all entitled to a bad day once in a while...even therapists.

He might be upset with you for not taking your medications as prescribed, BG. I think you're a bit miffed at yourself for that, as well. If we ask for help, and we know we need help, it becomes our responsibility to carry through with those things that are designed to give us the help that we need. The therapists job is to guide you in the right directions and see to it that you have medications (if warranted) to help you reach your goal. It's your job to put your whole self into doing what you can to make things work the way they should work. That includes taking your meds, making your appointments, and doing your homework. It's teamwork, hon.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 19, 2006)

ThatLady said:
			
		

> I tend to wave red flags at passing bulls...



And often they "wave" back...


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## ThatLady (Apr 19, 2006)

David Baxter  said:
			
		

> ThatLady said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Heh. Yeah, they wave...and pad the ground with their hooves, and snort, and make "bullish" noises. Then, they realize they're about to make me angry and...they leave.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 19, 2006)

Bull #1: Hey! Look at that woman waving that flag at us! She can't do that! Let's get her!

Bull #2: Are you nuts? That's not That Woman. That's ThatLady! Run for it!


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## ThatLady (Apr 19, 2006)

That gave me a giggle, David. Actually, I think I spent so long being everybody's dishrag that, when I finally decided I'd had enough, I went into full-time *itch mode!


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 19, 2006)

One of my clients used to describe going into what she called "bitch mode". Except when she described it, it just sounded to me like appropriate assertiveness.


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