# Nothing left



## forgetmenot

there is no more


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## Cat Dancer

*Re: nothing left*

What's going on?


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## Yuray

Violet, we have followed your course of troubles for the past year with your brothers suicide, your mothers ill health, your twins indifference, and your daughters drug and suicide problems. When you say "there is no more", have you solved all the problems?....or have you given up on those you have devoted so much energy to ensure their safety?


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## forgetmenot

i have pulled me back again. i have somehow i went over the edge and thank god my husband came and pulled me back.  i am not well i try so hard to be stable. i take the meds, go to therapy, but i still am pushed and triggered. i just can't seem to keep the control.   

Yuray you are right in saying i have given up on those. i can't help them. i know that. i try so hard, but it not to be.   i don't know what to do.   I was honest with my husband. told him i can't go on. i want to end this. all of it.  He said dont call. they will lock me up. don't call.   

I don't want to go out like this.   I am a nurse okay. i am a someboydy,  but then why do i feel like a noone again?   why do i feel like a nothing again?   I am sorry. i begged them all to leave, but they won't leave so i have somehow pulled me back together somewhat. i have stopped the screaming in my head.  i am breathing again where i was not before.

  I ask how am i to go on watching them destroy themselves not caring they are destroying me?   I am totally gone. i talk to myself to keep me stable. oh sleep someone said go to sleep mary even though it is only 5pm here go to sleep excape that way.  i want a safe place. please god give me a safe place. there is no safe place.

 i wish i was stronger. maybe just take my meds early and go to sleep, but i see no end to this any of it until i leave.  im sorry iam rambling my brain going a mile aminute.  I need the strong mary to come back and not this child she is weak, too weak. there is nothing left inside me i am warn out. don't worry my husband won't leave so i won't harm me now. i will just go to sleep and hope tomorrow bring stability, but i don't so im gone something snapped tonight an d i am gone

---------- Post added at 09:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:47 PM ----------

I looked after me went to sleep now i am awake  i have no emotions now i am calm i am okay

---------- Post added at 09:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 PM ----------

Thank you for editing my post i am sorry my mind was working too fast.


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## Always Changing

I am glad to hear you were able to do what was best for you last night Violet,   how are you feeling now?


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## forgetmenot

Thanks Always Changing i am just very exhausted and tired now.  I have no emotion today which is good i don't want to feel. I will go to work only because i know if i don't my mind will spiral again.  My husband saw he saw my other side i can't keep going like this. Again with the nightmares yelling telling people off but he doesn't know who i am yelling at.  Pray i stay safe today as there are things going on i have no control over and i am afraid these things will somehow push me over that line again.  I think i will go back to bed and sleep as i will need some energy to work   One good piece of news today the insurance company finally came thru one less stessor for me to figth about. take care okay thanks for caring


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## Always Changing

Going back to bed sounds like a good plan to me, you need your rest now ,as you say you are going to work and need your energy to do that. 
Try if you can not to think of those things which you have no control over, no amount of worrying or fretting can or will change those. Sometimes as I mentioned in another post\thread, you have to stand back and let what will be,, be.  I do know however it is not easy to do. 

All you need to do now at this time is look after you.
I hope you get the much needed rest you deserve and need.


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## forgetmenot

I am so tired of this fight  nothing left to fight with  all is well yet nothing is well  what i would do to be with you to be in peace but that can't be


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## Always Changing

Are you able to say more Eclipse?.  
Who or what are you fighting?.  only if you are comfortable to say ok.  

:hug:


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## forgetmenot

i am just fighting me now iguess  
i am fighting an endless battle one that when i am  attacked i just can't seem to fight back anymore  i can't get out of the darkness the pain like i use to  I have nothing left inside me to fight with  words the words they hurt me so much it doesn't matter i don't matter i never did matter


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## Andy

Well, you DO matter actually. You just need to try not to let other peoples words matter. I know that is easier said then done. Don't let other people take away your power. You do what you have to, to stay well. Your a good person M so don't let anyone tell you different.


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## forgetmenot

i know i shouldn't allow people to hurt me so  i wish i could get strong again iwish ihad anger inside me then i could fight this but i have nothing to fight with that all  i know i am good i am good please god and her words are wrong   tired so tired STP of fighting them the words all i want is peace that is all i want.


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## Daniel

Mindfulness techniques, relaxation techniques, or anything else that helps you "plug into the present" may also help.


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## Andy

Eclipse said:


> i know i shouldn't allow people to hurt me so  i wish i could get strong again iwish ihad anger inside me then i could fight this but i have nothing to fight with that all  i know i am good i am good please god and her words are wrong   tired so tired STP of fighting them the words all i want is peace that is all i want.


I think your stronger then you realize. You HAVE been fighting all this time. Maybe you need to decide who you want in your life and who needs to go. Sometimes people have a great side to them that is nice to be around but then there is that nasty side that comes out that is just to much to take, maybe this person doesn't deserve to be in your life? This is how you could find some peace. Weed out the bad ones and keep the good.


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## forgetmenot

I guess hun time to walk away  i even tried changing my name again tried so hard to undue the words  god im tired staying present have to stay who i am now not then i just need to sleep i guess that is one way to shut  down


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## Andy

Eclipse said:


> I guess hun time to walk away  i even tried changing my name again tried so hard to undue the words  god im tired staying present have to stay who i am now not then i just need to sleep i guess that is one way to shut  down


Well unfortunately a name change doesn't change the situation. Maybe have a sleep and wake up with a positive mindset. Don't let yourself "go there" in the morning. I know that's not easy to do either but it's a start maybe. You have been doing so well, I would hate to see you back step. 

I know I posted this for you before, but it bares repeating...(it bares repeating? Is that the right saying? lol)

A reason, season, lifetime.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


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## forgetmenot

Thanks STP  new day today your right new mind set  moving forward now letting it go have to let it go  thanks take care I will keep me busy today all will be well


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## Yuray

Since you became an MVP last year your postings have showed clarity and insight. Rather than have us try to console you regarding your present symptoms, maybe we should be addressing what brought this matter to be. That way, we could be of more help.


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## forgetmenot

As i said before professionals i don't trust i was starting to but i know now not to trust anyone don't trust don't believe  don't care because it never changes  the ones in power abuse it   they always have  always will god ihate me  ihate me so much  that is the problem i suppose my hatred for them and for me


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## Retired

Eclipse said:
			
		

> professionals i don't trust i was starting to but i know now not to trust anyone



I've come into this discussion late and do not have a complete understanding of the situation.  Would you elaborate on what's happening at this time in your life and what has caused your distrust?


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## forgetmenot

im sorry i can' t explain  i would just be playing her game then  People in power are to heal not hurt people  they are to show compassion not judge   They are no better then the rest of us   i can't explain i just can't  but iknow now i know not to believe  their words not to trust them because they don't care  and they certainly don't see or hear  
How easily it is for them to throw people away how easy it is for them to use thier power to hurt  another    i will stop now because i can tell i am not being clear  sorry


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean

Hi Violet...

From what I have read, you seem to be in a lot of distress...  8(


> From Yuray: brothers suicide, your mothers ill health, your twins indifference, and your daughters drug and suicide problems.





> From Yourself: i have pulled me back again. i have somehow i went over the edge and  thank god my husband came and pulled me back.  i am not well i try so  hard to be stable. i take the meds, go to therapy, but i still am pushed  and triggered. i just can't seem to keep the control.
> 
> Yuray you are right in saying i have given up on those. i can't help  them. i know that. i try so hard, but it not to be.   i don't know what  to do.   I was honest with my husband. told him i can't go on. i want to  end this. all of it.  He said dont call. they will lock me up. don't  call.
> 
> I don't want to go out like this.   I am a nurse okay. i am a someboydy,   but then why do i feel like a noone again?   why do i feel like a  nothing again?   I am sorry. i begged them all to leave, but they won't  leave so i have somehow pulled me back together somewhat. i have stopped  the screaming in my head.  i am breathing again where i was not before.



Violet, you are more than just a nurse.  You may not realize it but you make a difference just being you.  I learned that I am not just an employee, nor am I just a daughter, sister, wife, etc...  Remember yourself sometimes.  Sometimes when you see family in distress, being a nurse, perhaps you try take away their pain and comfort them, but who comforts you?  I am glad you have a husband who is looking after you in this troubled time, although it concerns me that he didn't want you to call for help -- that confuses me.  It's not like he couldn't come and see you.    I am also glad to hear that you have a therapist and are on some medication that can help you.   Nothing like an objective person to help you see things from a different perspective.

Wow, with all that stress and grief going on, no wonder you feel so terrible.  Now what is this yelling and awful words, are these your thoughts intruding and harassing you?  I am having some of that happen right now.  I have been meditating and was given Cipralex to calm down because my anxiety was starting to interfere with everything again (I had way too many stresses and grief going on at once and it just hit me like a wave and I turned into an emotional puddle....  Just starting to get my sea legs back again)...  So now that I am more relaxed, I've started having these intrusive thoughts, and my therapist thinks it might be because in the past I was not able to deal with them at the time these emotional events happened, and now that my brain is more relaxed and stable, he theorizes that my brain somehow senses that I can deal with these things now.  So they are coming to the surface for me to deal with now because apparently I can handle these things, and feel the emotions...  I was wondering if this is similar to what is happening to you?

Or is this more intense PTSD symptoms?  Because it sounds like you've been through some hell, girl.  In which case it would be natural to feel all that pain and reliving things, but oh my gosh it makes a person feel so much like all the raw nerve endings are sticking out all over and the briefest wind stings and it feels like nothing can soothe it. 

One of my issues was I gave and gave of myself until I felt empty.  I am still learning to ask people for help, and to set up healthy boundaries so that I don't let people take advantage of me.  I don't know your whole story, but don't be afraid to ask people for help.  You may have decided somewhere along the line, that you should be the strong one, but you can change your mind, right?  Your mind and body may have decided _for _you, "Violet, that's enough!  You take some time for yourself!  You need to stop right now, give yourself some TLC, and don't be afraid to ask for help."  It would be unreasonable to expect a human being to run on empty, and still keep on giving out energy and love and support to everyone else.  So if you are trying to be strong, I appreciate that, but just be strong for you right now, okay?

You deserve it.  That weak "child" is needed a breather, so give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be alright because you are going to take care of her.  You won't let your thoughts hurt her, because they are just thoughts.  They can't touch her.


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## forgetmenot

NO no it is not about the past it isnot about me being a carer  never mind it is about her and her power and her abusing it and hurting others because she is in pain it is about her inability to cope so she makes others feel  that they are the ones that are wrong    i don't talk about my past anymore i don't want to go there it is not me  i don't care about that anymore  i don't want to read it i don't want to think aobut it     she is a professional  one that is to care not attack  i have to go i have to sleep  only way to keep me here


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean

Fair enough...  Don't feel you have to respond right away.  Go to sleep.  I hope you can find some peace somehow.

PS: I was more trying to explore where you were coming from, so I apologize if you were offended.


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## forgetmenot

I was not offended i am sorry i came across that way  i am okay now thanks  slept some  thanks for your kindness


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## Retired

Eclipse said:
			
		

> i am okay now thanks slept some thanks for your kindness



Just that we are clear on your present situation, Eclipse, are you still having thoughts of suicide at this time?

Steve


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## forgetmenot

No i am okay  sorry  just one gets to the   point why bother you know  sleep has given me back some clarity and some strength god   i will not let anyone harm me again i won't 
jollygreenjellybean  i hear what you have said  and you are right  i have to be the strong one  there is no if abt that one.   I would love to say enough but i can't do that okay  
i am a carer  but i an not overwhelmed  by that   all is taking care of now    damm eh  if i could only stop having these flashbacks of pain  if i could only not allow peoples attacks on be to bring me so close to    You are so right in some aspects   but this is about someone attacking me now with words  and i have walked away from it i have  i won't look at her pm i won't talk to her or try to reach out to her because  she doesn't want that  she just wants to spew her pain on everyone  well not me  i have been abused enough i won't let her hurt me i won't    i am okay now  breathing now   trigger is over


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## Jazzey

Eclipse...I'm sorry you're struggling.  You don't need to apologize for that...Ever.  Maybe the life lesson is that you have to love yourself first?  Then you can open your heart..

I'm a firm believer that we all deserve love/caring.  But it's easy to lose our path sometimes...To listen to those internal voices.  I hope that you hear positive voices soon.  The ones that tell you you're a good heart...That it's ok to take care of yourself.  

I hear and feel your pain.  Caring for others is good.  But only when there are better boundaries...when it doesn't harm you...that's the line....From what you posted, that line has been reached...And I hope you give yourself permission to care for yourself for a bit.


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## forgetmenot

ya i have walked away hun i have set the boundaries i won't let her hurt me with words anymore  I don't thinks she realizes or maybe she does how much her printed words her attacks can take someone so close to the end    she should not have thrown my past in my face that was not called for  i am not her and never will be that pathetic thing from the past  and if she harms me again anger will come and i don't care i will strike back i will even though it is not apart of me to do so


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## Jazzey

I'm sorry you were hurt.  Eclipse, I hope you keep doing what's right for you.  That you draw certain boundaries and keep on a good path.  I'm sorry you were hurt. As much as you feel /felt hurt, I hope that you know that destroying yourself is not a good solution.

Keeping you in my thoughts. And please, keep caring for yourself.  As a good friend has said to me in the past: "you care for yourself, 'cause no one else can or will".

take care.


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## forgetmenot

Ya thanks hun i will care for me  thanks


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## Jazzey

take care, Eclipse.  Sincerely.


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## forgetmenot

i have let all the words go now  i deleted all the messages sent to me even the one i did not read  i deleted it all.   I know who i am i went with my heart  i help someone in pain and i cannot help it if that caused her pain     i said i was sorry if i was the cause of some of her pain and she told me i was lying and she deleted my apology  
It is in her hands now i have done all i can  I am sorry she is suffering as much as her friend she threw away   i have let it all go now  nothing there to hurt me anymore   
thanks for all your kindness and understanding


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## Always Changing

:hug:


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## forgetmenot

one min one hour one day at a time some how one has to   push through


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## Jazzey

Eclipse said:


> one min one hour one day at a time some how one has to   push through



...indeed...sometimes, it's just one minute at a time.  Take care.

---------- Post added at 07:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:10 PM ----------

I'm not religious, but I like this (the thought)...Philippians 4:13

The strength to resist the night
The strength to endure the day
The strength to keep righteous paths in sight
The strength to take them without delay

The strength to find a purpose in life
The strength to find the truths it brings
The strength to kick away from strife
The strength to stabalize the rock it clings

The strength to light a friend’s day up
The strength to resist wrathful foes
The strength to fill a stranger’s dry cup
The strength to shun sin when it opposed

The strength to feel a injured man’s pain
The strength to hold a reject’s hand
The strength to act against any gain
The strength to love without demand

The strength to understand that our King
Has blessed us with more than we can contain
Therefore regardless what time may bring
The strength will continue to reign

I have a friend who is religious...he always tells me that God never gives you more than you can handle.  While I'm not religious, there's something in the thought that I like...this idea that we are resilient as human beings.  We may forget that at some points in our life...and then we keep proving to ourselves that we just are.


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## LadyVirtue

Eclipse,

I see this thread was started more than a year ago....I see you had some dark thoughts, BUT you are still here!!!! To see that you are still posting a year later gives me courage and hope!  You can do it!  YOU ARE DOING IT!!!! I saw how your posts changed and you took charge and set boundaries for yourself.  Good for you!  Keep at it Eclipse!

*~Lady Virtue~*


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## forgetmenot

thanks i am just so  tired that all  and it has nothing to do now with anyone no one   but me


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## Yuray

To Lady Virtue:
Eclipse has displayed an uncanny common sense attitude over the years. It wasn't always so, but when I read her posts now, and I read between the lines. There aren't many like her as far as basic 'in your face' truthful posts go. What you see is what you get No mincing words. She is unique.


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## amastie

Hi Eclipse  :hug:

want you to know that I too have been very down.  Tonight I found the first thing in a long while to help me from that space.  It may mean nothing to you.  I don't know, but I find at such times that I must give precendence to rest and to what I need.  Also, I find that it helps to try to change my thoughts from negative to positive (because negative thoughts attract more negative).  Even if the circumstances around me are negative, it helps me to spend some time, preferably a few times each day, simply imagining things like a white light surrounding me and protecting me, or imagine flowers filling my room.  To that I might actually spray perfume in my room.

I know that these are very small things, and I also know that not everyone finds it helpful to imagine positive things around them.  I find it helpful.

If you don't, that's ok.  Just know that I am thinking of you and sending love, ok?

To me, you are important.

Take good care  :support:

For now,

amastie


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## forgetmenot

Thanks Amastie  i  am sorry you too are not feeling well.  thanks for your suggestions
  It sounds like creating a safe space you are doing,   i think i will try that  
Aroma of lilacs or violets  and just close my eyes and think of a place so far away from everything 
i don't know if i will ever be rid of this sadness inside but  little things like you have said will help me escape it for awhile 
 give me a reprieve so i have more energy to face yet another day  
Thanks for your care i mean that  i will try to do as you say Amastie  please try to not isolate okay hun  as i say  it may feel safe hun i get that but dam it hurts so much inside and it is not good to try to fight this all on your own


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## amastie

Thank you Eclipse  :hug:

I think perhaps you are stronger than you think yourself to be.

Take good care,


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## forgetmenot

I once was strong hun  i wish i could find that strength again hugs


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## desiderata

" Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress youself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."


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## forgetmenot

i have decided i cannot fight this on my own  i went to my gp and he prescribed me xanax  states it is for depression and anxiety 
 well  it does  zonk me right out and that is what i need to happen when i have these attacks
 i need to be gone  and the medication within 15 min  i am tired and iam out of here
  i hate me for taking the meds  but i don't want to harm others so better i hate me then do something more terrible
     i will take the medication for now  until  after these holidays  i just have to get through these holidays thats all


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## Cat Dancer

Just take it as prescribed and take it easy and be good to yourself. Hugs.


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## AmZ

I'm with CD. 

Be kind to yourself E.

Let us know how you're doing. X


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## forgetmenot

i am taking meds as prescribed just on a need basis   will take some tonight to help me be calm   can take some tomorrow as there will be way too much noise and people around me    sometimes it is good not to feel too much


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## AmZ

I hear ya. 

I hope all goes well. X


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## Chain Lightning

Hello Eclipse,  I've struggled like that too.  I'd go to work, try to go through the motions, get sent home and then I felt useless.  It will be difficult for a while but it won't last.  Be mindful if you can about he way you look at things...that helps some.  Peace, CL


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## forgetmenot

i will try thanks CL


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