# I am so tired of the depression



## Banned

I am tired of it crushing me. I seriously don't know how much more I can take. I'm tired of crying, feeling hopeless, wanting to give up but not being able to give up because it is so ingrained in me that this won't last forever but how do we know that? My track record isn't so great and it isn't getting any better. 

I just want someone to say it's okay to give up. I am so tired of fighting.


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## MHealthJo

I'm so sorry Turtle.... hugs.....

This may be the wrong thing to suggest; you know yourself and whether an idea may not be good for you. But is there a chance that you have been fighting hard over long periods of time, and need a bit of a break sometimes from that hard fighting.... need a bit of a 'wallow' instead? Like a real 'It's really okay to deeply wallow' wallow.....

I have had times where I've had to really grieve deeply, throw my hands in the air and feel really sorry for myself, do things like read  stories of people who have gone through a similar thing.... and do it not in an 'Okay let's make it better!!' frame of mind, but an 'ohhhhhh I need to hold myself and sit with this pain for a while' frame of mind.

Depending on the style and length of wallowing, it may still be able to be done at the same time as other normal things in life carry on - or sometimes a time-out or reduction of some things is helpful...... 

Just some thoughts.... 

And of course chat more if you want to.... sometimes when chatting or unashamedly moaning, a key presents itself oddly....

Thinking of you Turtle.....xx


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## Retired

No, it's not OK to give up, because the illness of depression is treatable, but usually takes time and patience to explore all the treatment options to find the one that works for you.

Set your expectations to be reasonable for this illness, which is to ultimately have more good days than bad days.

Many who have lived with depression experience and even expect to relapse from time to time, but knowing the relapse is probably temporary and that good days will follow makes it a bit easier to endure the difficult days.

Fighting the symptoms is counter productive, while coasting with the symptoms until there is a bit of relief might be easier to get through this difficult times.


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## Banned

My doctor doesn't think I have depression, my psychiatrist doesn't think I have a mood disorder. My psychologist is the only one on my side and I can't get on for a couple weeks. I've been wavering on what to do about therapy lately and this just reinforces that I need to be there by I really feel like there is no help left for me.


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## forgetmenot

No hun like said not ok to give up  although i understand that feeling   I hope you start to have more good days hun   just take one day one hour one minute at a time hun  ok  and get through it  hugs


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## Banned

I'm at work and it's taking every drop of energy I have not to run from the building bawling my eyes out. 

I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere.


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## David Baxter PhD

At the risk of sounding repetitive, you really need to be using the tools you've learned to challenge and reframe your thinking. What are you doing to try to help yourself combat all this negative catastrophic thinking?


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## Cat Dancer

I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you can feel better soon.


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## Banned

David Baxter said:


> At the risk of sounding repetitive, you really need to be using the tools you've learned to challenge and reframe your thinking. What are you doing to try to help yourself combat all this negative catastrophic thinking?



You told me to percolate so I'm percolating. I suppose I'm not doing that right though. I freaking give up.


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## David Baxter PhD

I used the term "percolate" regarding your attempts to figure out why you were feeling the way you're feeling. But in terms of the hopeless, pessimistic, catastrophic thoughts/self-talk you are expressing here today you need to go back to doing some cognitive challenging and reframing.

As Steve posted above:



> Set your expectations to be reasonable for this illness, which is to ultimately have more good days than bad days.
> 
> Many who have lived with depression experience and even expect to  relapse from time to time, but knowing the relapse is probably temporary  and that good days will follow makes it a bit easier to endure the  difficult days.


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## forgetmenot

When i get like that at work hun  i just go to nearest bathroom let dam tears fall hun  then wash up and get back to work again.  You need a way to release your sadness inside so it does not build up Turtle  

I hope you see your psychologist soon  so that you can unload some emotions some sadness  in a safe place hugs


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## Banned

They aren't catastrophic. They are realistic.   .

---------- Post Merged at 03:44 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:42 PM ----------

Forgetmenot as I get home from work I will be bawling my eyes out. It's been so hard keeping it in all day. It hurts too much.


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## forgetmenot

I know hun  dam  it hurts   i cry on the way to work and on the way home  I am glad hun you can cry ok let the pain out     Keeping that mask on all day is so hard i do understand hun  hugs

my psychologist says i am catastrophying too  when i know i am not  i know what is going to happen 
oh hun  I wish there was a way to  release all the pain and sadness so you do not have to suffer anymore    Therapist hun i hope you see soon  it help to talk to a real person hun  in rl at least i find t hat  hugs


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## Banned

I've been crying off and on for two and a half hours.  I don't know what else to do.  I just want to ditch my meds, ditch therapy, ditch life.  Its not supposed to be like this.  I'm exhausted and just don't have it in me to do what I "should" be doing but it doesn't matter because nothing is going to work anyway.  I just cannot be helped anymore.


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## GDPR

You're just in a funk right now Turtle. This is gonna pass. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it will,but it will.


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## forgetmenot

You know hun that is depression talking now  ok  that is just dam depression saying things that is not true
i know it is hard to battle to fight when you do not have the strength.  Now is time then hun to talk to your doctor  to perhaps get medication changed a bit   but you need to talk to someone hun   Do  let the depressive thoughts  take over.  I know it is hard ok i know but hun reach out for the support that is there for you   don't fight it alone hugs


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## David Baxter PhD

Turtle said:


> I've been crying off and on for two and a half hours.  I don't know what else to do.  I just want to ditch my meds, ditch therapy, ditch life.  Its not supposed to be like this.  I'm exhausted and just don't have it in me to do what I "should" be doing but it doesn't matter because nothing is going to work anyway.  I just cannot be helped anymore.





Lost_In_Thought said:


> You're just in a funk right now Turtle. This is gonna pass. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it will,but it will.





forgetmenot said:


> You know hun that is depression talking now  ok  that is just dam depression saying things that is not true
> i know it is hard to battle to fight when you do not have the strength.  Now is time then hun to talk to your doctor  to perhaps get medication changed a bit   but you need to talk to someone hun   Do  let the depressive thoughts  take over.  I know it is hard ok i know but hun reach out for the support that is there for you   don't fight it alone hugs



LIT and forgetmenot are right. Now step back, dig in your heels, and use the tools you've been practising for times like this now, when you really need them.


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## Banned

I guess I'm just not explaining myself very well.

i don't care about anything.  Nothing matters.  I wish I was dead.  

All the tools in the world can't help that.


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## David Baxter PhD

You are explaining your thoughts just fine.

The problem is that you're not recognizing those thoughts for what they are.


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## forgetmenot

they are just THOUGHTS OK   YOU  do not need to act on them   

You rest  

you talk to someone hun 

you take a day off work

 you look after you ok. 

   You can do this Turtle you can   hugs

small steps  just small ones

i know you don't want to  I know you say you don't care  hell i know hun but the thoughts the emotions will pass ok

 you have to step back like Dr Baxter said and just breath ok  breath and do what it takes to get you the rest you need to be able to start functioning again


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## adaptive1

I'm so sorry you are in pain like this. I can relate to how frustrating it all is, I felt like that on the weekend but you guys reminded me to be patient and that things will get better and I'm trying to do that...I hope you can too. It helped me to pull out the acceptance and committment therapy stuff,for some reason that helps more than anything else for me. The idea that I'm not my feelings, not my thoughts, that we are more than that, it comforts me so much. I hope it could do the same for you.


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## Banned

Thanks adaptive.  I did some thinking last night.  I just don't know anymore....


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## Pilgrim

Beating depression requires patience, perseverance and avoiding self punishment. If you're not on meds and connected with a knowledgeable health professional, do that. NOW. ......I MEAN IT!!!

If you are in treatment and you feel it is not helping, push your health professional to do more; more reading/research, more back and forth with you, different meds etc. If you don't have a doc who is doing those things, keep looking to find one who will.

The reality is that there is no one who is more interested and invested in your depression than you are. Therefore, it is up to you to do what you can to achieve better health. During times when your depression decreases or even lifts, promise yourself you will remind yourself at darker times that you can and will experience times of little or even no depression, until you can be totally free from it.

You likely got into the hole gradually over time. Therefore isn't it logical that the way out and back to health is also going to be gradual? But don't forget, if your depression resulted from social/life circumstances more so than inherent brain chemistry, you must deal with those factors to prevent relapse.

Sorry, but even though I have been through this, I am led to support only constructive attempts in dealing with depression. Anything else just reinforces its destructive nature. You deserve so much better than this crappy existence. 

If you are making constructive efforts to get better, assume it will take time; possibly much time. Sometimes all you are able to do is wait out the worst times. Then be gentle with yourself, which includes refusing to give into failure. 

And remember that relapse is a part of process of healing in many of our health challenges. Expect to encounter it, to challenge it, and beat it.

Best wishes.


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## Banned

I am so confused.  I decided to go off my meds in the hopes it would give me the final push to just end everything.  But I'm sad and confused and lost and don't know what to do.  I just want a way out of this miry mess.  Any way.  The fastest, easiest way.  I don't care what it is.


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## forgetmenot

Then get back on your meds Turtle  now ok   and you get to hospital or your doctors and get the support to get you stable again     You know hun depression is treatable you know that  so please hun  reach out for support  h ugs


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## Cat Dancer

Don't go off your meds.


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## MHealthJo

Please act now to be sure you are safe and stably sticking with meds Turtle.

Destructive or hopeless thoughts are NOT clarity. DO NOT listen to them or follow them.

I apologise if any ambiguity came with my previous post too. I guess a slow pace or break or resting in grief was what I was thinking.... but  certainly was thinking of it being done with an 'ultimately' constructive nature. 

What can we do or talk about to support you, or hear what needs to be heard right now, Turtle?

xx


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## David Baxter PhD

Turtle said:


> I am so confused.  I decided to go off my meds in the hopes it would give me the final push to just end everything.  But I'm sad and confused and lost and don't know what to do.



Still believe you are thinking rationally? That your self-talk is not distorted but realistic?



Turtle said:


> I just want a way out of this miry mess.  Any way.  The fastest, easiest way.  I don't care what it is.



There is no quick fix. The fastest way through the black tunnel of depression is to keep moving forward using appropriate medications and therapy that we (and you in your more rational moments) know will eventually improve your mood and outlook.

Are you that hell-bent on self-sabotage?


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## Banned

David Baxter said:


> Still believe you are thinking rationally? That your self-talk is not distorted but realistic?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Are you that hell-bent on self-sabotage?



I don't know anymore.   I am so confused an no matter what I do I will probably regret it.


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## David Baxter PhD

Then perhaps it would be a good idea to follow the suggestions of others rather than listening to your own inner voices at this time.

And from your forum signature:


> "We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present."  - Marianne Williamson
> 
> ~ If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror. ~ Shane Koyczan, To This Day Project


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## Banned

I really just want to get to therapy.  This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.  I can't even see two weeks out from now.  But I don't even know if I want to go.  I don't know if I should go.  I feel like I screwed that up too.


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## MHealthJo

Can you see him or speak to him any sooner, Turtle?

I also urge you to not listen to thoughts of having screwed something up. 

They are not true.


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## Banned

No.  I started a new job this week and can't get there any sooner.  He's not near by so its not a matter of driving down the street.

i managed to force some medication down my throat.


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## Pilgrim

I'm not aware of your circumstances. It was cognitive-behavioural therapy that helped me to stop repeating patterns that set me up for and then maintained my depression. ie, I repeatedly found myself in relationships and work environments which were toxic for me. These were situations in which I was not valued or respected. They were neither supportive or validating, and eventually chipped away so much of my self esteem etc that I crashed and burned. By learning to break those patterns, and by staying on meds that seemed to help have contributed to my ongoing improvement. (I also got off meds that were not helping)  I finally found a doc who would listen to me, and who was thorough enough to find meds that have been helpful over time.  Also, I found that I had to forgive the conduct of some of the worst offenders in my life before I could get a big chunk of weight off my back. I didn't realize how much stress and ill health I was maintaining by holding on to that rage and resentment. 

I struggled through long periods of that grinding existential pain that depression can put us through. 

I hope you find at least some of this and the offerings by other caring members here to be of some help to you. 

Please don't use a permanent solution to deal with a temporary problem.

You will thank yourself later.

Be well.


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## Banned

My clients are all emailing and texting wanting appointments for their dogs and its so hard - I don't want to book them in because I just don't have it in me to do anything.  The best I'm offering them is two weeks out.  I'm hoping I might feel better by then.  I don't know what else to do.  I just can't do quality work right now and its not fair to do subpar work when they know what I'm capable of.


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## adaptive1

Maybe the thing to do is the opposite of what you feel like doing, that's what I am trying to do. That way when the animals get there you will do a good job because that's what you love and what you are good at and it will cheer you up.


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## Banned

It's partly a timing thing.  I used to work part time but started a full time job on Monday and given how I feel I don't want to overload my schedule.  If I was feeling good I'd have no qualms about completely overbooking myself but just working an eight hour day right now is almost more than I can handle.  The depression is exhausting. I can't overbook myself yet.


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## MHealthJo

I think being gentle with yourself and keeping that cleared rest time is important right now.... just an instinct...


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## adaptive1

Yes if you are working full time that's more than enough you are right. Maybe just trying some rest and relaxation is just what you need.


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## Pilgrim

Do you ever sound like me and so many others!

Good thing you're not hard on yourself; that would be way worse.  (hopefully a little humour, there)

My experience with trying to work while dealing with depression was that I slowly ground to a halt (I am/was a mental health professional) and I gradually lost my practice. I, not smart about it, just put my head down, and kept putting one foot in front of the other. I am lucky enough to have alternate skill sets, (so what if I have ADD) so in the thick of depression, I did what I could do with my other skill sets; the easiest were those that were natural gifts. (I have been a teacher, an electronics guy, computer guy, and a very good musician. Music probably saved me.)

Want to hear something ironically funny? I have a great knack for choosing professions that either dead end, or pay inversely proportional to how much I like them.

Seems like you're in a helping type of work; then give to yourself too, emotionally and intellectually, at least as much as you give others. If you've had other skills that have come easily, I hope you'll use those too. 

If you have to back off from taking work from your clients, I think you'd be OK giving a general health rationale. I confirmed what I intuitively felt was true; almost nobody will be OK with your depression, so it's generally best to keep that private. 

So, you may benefit from finding a good depression support group. Ideally led by an experienced professional. 

Take care.

Yes. Take care of yourself, at least as well as you do for others. A nice meal once in a while, your favourite type of movie, music, art etc etc.

Time off just for you. ie, for you to regenerate. Maybe well away from your usual environment.

If you're an introvert, it may be challenging to get around people/social situations that feed you. if you're an extrovert, you really need to be there even more.

Look at how many folks here are wishing you well.


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## Banned

I am actually very open about my struggles with depression.  My friends and clients know and they asked if I was up to grooming their dogs.  I won't hide behind the stigma of it.  If they aren't ok with it then they can't be in my life.  It's a big part of my life that I can't get rid of.

i won't do groups.  I have a really good therapist.  I just need to get in to see him.  And keep going until then.


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## Pilgrim

OK 

You're lucky to have such understanding and supportive people in your life. I was not so lucky, personally or professionally.

From your responses, I get that you are a strong person who doesn't back down.

That will serve you well.


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## forgetmenot

Hope you see your therapist soon then hun  as you know therapist can be a great help  when you get so deep  hugs


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## Banned

It's not for two weeks if I even go and I don't even know or care if I'll be ok til then.  But thanks anyway.


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## MHealthJo

Thinking of you Turtle........   xx


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## forgetmenot

then call your therapist and see if you can get in earlier  or call your therapist and just talk over phone if you can  but talk
i know i know easier said then done but do it ok  many times we have to do things we don't want to do or feel like doing but we do it anyways h un.      Turtle  get back on meds ok  you know stopping meds cold turkey like that will only make the depression worse


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## Banned

I can't go earlier I work.  I'll be fine.


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## forgetmenot

call in sick to work hun  if you need to  as you say people will understand   hugs


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## Banned

It's not that easy.  I just got a promotion at work and started training on Monday.  We're not in the same province so I fly to therapy.  I can't call in sick and then get on an airplane the same day.  That's grounds for immediate termination which will give me even more problems than I already have.


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## forgetmenot

oh hugs to you hun  hope then you can get some kind of support to help hold you over until you see your therapist   and i do hope hun you will be fine  hugs


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## David Baxter PhD

Thread split to http://forum.psychlinks.ca/just-chat/31492-blue-nails-and-hair-marge-and-homer-and-pigs.html


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## Banned

My mood has picked up  tremendously, thankfully.  I had a very good day today, and got my hair done and am now tackling cleaning my room.  It will take several hours, but I am glad I feel well enough and have enough energy to do it.  It is SO hard going through these episodes, and they slam me into the ground full throttle, so hard they almost stun me, knock me out for days in a sense....but I'm glad I'm feeling better again.


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## MHealthJo

So glad Turtle.  xx


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