# New hurdle l never had to face before in dating and for me l am confused what to do



## chell (Jan 22, 2008)

I like everyone else would like to date.  l had a very bad past year, being raped by a man l was seeing, l, along with support have got myself past the issues l had with my Therapist, Psychiatrist and good friends who stood by me.

lt had been a long time since l thought of dating or even meeting anyone and so l started off with the baby steps and my friend, whom, l consider a sister, knew a man that works as a counsellor to men who are sent to counselling for alcohol, drug abuse, anger management, physical abuse and she thought knowing him, he and l might make a good match.

Well, l was a nervous,  but in a sense happy that l could start new and make new memories and meet someone so l agreed as did he.

We met last weekend, and got along and did a lot of talking and had a lot in common.  He told me about some of the bad times in his life and what led up to his job and how he got to the point where he was, which l started to feel comfortable to talk about myself as l usually don't say much about my personal business.

l talked and he asked questions about the rape, the man who committed it, the police, court, etc. and then it was off to a different topic and nothing else was said about the rape.  So l figured all was fine.

Next day, l got a phone call from him and l was happy and excited thinking everything had gone great the night before and then the bomb dropped.  

He said he was sorry to tell me that on the way home, he had done some thinking, and was sorry to have to tell me, but the thought of the rape was something he was just not able to live with and the thought of all that he heard did not sit well and he was not one that was able to deal with it.  My friend who had set us up, was standing there looking at me and l would not look at her, but l was so shocked, upset, l can't even describe it, but that was it,  he just told me he had to go and that was it.

l got off the phone feeling ashamed, dirty, and that it was my fault, like it was my fault l got raped and then the tears started.  l know it is not my fault.  l know l am the stronger person and l am able to stand strong, but for a first date since the rape, this really did not go well for me.  l think l am going to take another few months off again because l don't know if l am ready if that was to happen again.

Chelle


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## Daniel (Jan 22, 2008)

*Re: New Hurdle l never had to face before in dating and for me l am confused what to*



> ...and then the bomb dropped.



Maybe that's the way he felt, too?  I honestly don't know what the typical male response would be for such a disclosure on the first date.

I do understand why you mentioned it, since he was disclosing very personal things about himself and supposedly, as a "counselor," should have above average emotional intelligence.  You are certainly better off without him.  Maybe he wasn't really even looking for a serious relationship with anyone, though he may be telling himself otherwise.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 22, 2008)

*Re: New Hurdle l never had to face before in dating and for me l am confused what to*

Regardless of the reason for that man's reaction, Chelle, you are most certainly not to blame for being raped.

As Daniel has suggested, I suspect that there may be other men who for various reasons might find it difficult to deal with the fact that you have been victimized in that way. I also suspect that you might worry about ever revealing this again to someone you are dating. But I would suggest to you that if the man in question cannot deal with the fact that someone made an independent decision to rape you against your will, it is probably better to know that sooner rather than later. You certainly don't want to be wasting any of your time on someone who can't deal with your history - it's not like you chose to be assaulted - it was the perpetrator who made that decision.


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## Into The Light (Jan 22, 2008)

*Re: New Hurdle l never had to face before in dating and for me l am confused what to*

i think dr. baxter has made some very good points. it is better to know now than a couple of months down the road.

you'll be ok. just take it easy and do things in your own time. :hug:


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## Daniel (Jan 22, 2008)

*Re: New Hurdle l never had to face before in dating and for me l am confused what to*

BTW, some 2-cent advice from the Internet about disclosure:



> If he?s a boyfriend worth keeping, he?ll accept what you have to tell him and realize you did not do something to cause the rape. His feelings for you should not change.
> 
> If you were raped but you had never before had sexual intercourse, can you still say that you are a virgin? I mean "at h - Teen Growth





> Alice supports you in your desire to tell your boyfriend about your rape, and about what it means to you, just as you did here. Alice understands your concern about not wanting to make your boyfriend mad; however, you cannot control anyone else's behavior. If he's angry, or hurt, he has a right to his feelings. Similarly, you have a right to yours.
> 
> http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1401.html



From a non-reputable source:


> If the relationship is serious and possibly long-term then it may be something to be sharing. Presuming he truly loves you,and so he would be concerned about events in your life, especially if they have been traumatic and hurtful to you. It wouldn't make any difference provided the relationship's foundations are solid. Because these events sometimes affect us more deeply than we know, it is possible that the emotional damage may affect seemingly unrelated issues in the future. An understanding of what happened to you may help someone else better respond. Ultimately, though, it's entirely up to you if you feel comfortable with sharing it or leaving it in the past.
> 
> WikiAnswers - Should you tell your boyfriend you were raped in the past


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