# Self care or narcicissm



## rdw (Feb 21, 2011)

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety problems and finally with the help of medication and therapy, I feel like me again. And while my life is not perfect, I am happy and feel at peace for the first time in a very very long time. I no longer have sick anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach and I look forward to each day instead of just wishing my life was over. 

Here is the problem - I am saying no to my adult children - all in their thirties - no more cash, no more moving, no more saving from their latest relationship problems. And while I can feel empathetic towards their problems, I think they should be handling these situations on their own. I have started to look after myself and put myself first with regards to my life and the things I want to do. I am not talking crazy things here but I do go to the theatre and dinner, take vacations with my husband and go shopping with my friends. In my belief this is self care but my children believe it is narcicisstic. No I do not run any more when they need something or put money in their account or put their needs above mine - I do put myself first. 

Can you tell me when self care crosses the line to narcicissm?


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 21, 2011)

Narcissism is about using and abusing other people. Self-care has nothing to do with narcissism.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 21, 2011)

What you are doing is definitely not narcissism. It is best for you and, in the long run, best for them as well. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet.


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## CarlaMarie (Feb 21, 2011)

Sounds like your children are acting like "children". I bet they will get over it just like they did when they truly were "children". Take care!


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## rdw (Feb 21, 2011)

Thank you for your comments. Eighteen months ago my children held a meeting in which they determined that I was "mentally ill" - i.e. narcicisstic personality disorder.  And I was - depression and anxiety was the doctor's and therapists diagnosis and I did not hide that diagnosis from my family or my friends. However with the help of my therapist I learned to establish boundaries and learned the word "no" if I did not feel comfortable doing something. It has been a lot of work but has been worth every minute of effort. Even without my children in our lives I feel more relaxed and at peace.


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## CarlaMarie (Feb 22, 2011)

Wow, I admire your strength. I am practicing boundaries now. I find it to very difficult and painful work. Like you I am doing as my therapist suggest. I want to feel peace and serenity. I find it difficult to tolerate the all the "tantrums". It is hard not to take it to heart. I want to love them. I guess in my "love" I lost myself. You give me hope that with follow through I can experience peace. Thank you!


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## rdw (Feb 22, 2011)

The BEST thing was finding myself. I really forgot who I was - forgot the hopes and dreams I had, my plans for adventures and experiences. Everyday was the same - me scurrying around to meet others needs. Talk about running amuck but everyday brings more peace, more self fulfillment. I can now be still by myself and not feel afraid and anxious. Self care was very scary for me - I am the oldest daughter of an alcoholic father. I have always looked after others first and placed others first in my life so this is new territory. But if I can so can you...


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## Dragonfly (Feb 22, 2011)

RDW - I don't know if you have the time / space / inclination to read, but I am in the middle of a great book that addresses exactly what you are talking about. Its called: "The Art of Extreme Self-Care" by Cheryl Richardson. One of the points she makes very early on, is that when someone is courageous enough to change their behaviour from caring for others all the time, to caring for themselves, the "others" often don't like it. I am sorry that the people around you are choosing to label (what sounds like) very healthy behaviour on your part, as a personality disorder. The irony is that its unfortunate not only for you and your adult children who are doing this, but also .... the other people that are around your adult children. But then, as you point out, that's not really your problem, 'eh? Good for you!!


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## rdw (Feb 22, 2011)

Thank you for the book suggestion - it is downloaded to my kindle! Over the past few years a number of books and articles suggested by others on this website and by my therapist have helped me to find clarity. 
My "others" don't like the changes however they need to find their way in life and they were not accomplishing that with us fixing things for them. While my heart at times is filled with sadness for the break up of our family, I know in the long run, they will become better people for it. I know I have become more empathetic and understanding. Everyone has a story - most much sadder than mine.


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## CarlaMarie (Feb 23, 2011)

I relate so very much. I have lost myself. I am ever so slowly over time taking me back. My kids are forgiving they are young. It is him. I have given me to him. My life has centered around his. I'm taking it back. It is hard, scary to walk through the boundaries, protect the boundaries no matter what. When I say "no" I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. The amazing thing is except for a little high blood pressure my heart is fine and the boundary is in place. I still haven't found that peace. I am scared. I want the peace of mind. I will do it until. I'm looking forward to checking out that book thanks DF.


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## battleworn (Feb 23, 2011)

When other people are manipulated to take care of one, and that one feels entitled to that care, do not exert effort in taking care of themselves, and shame the other person if they do not cooperate in fulfilling the expectations of that care - that is what I perceive as narcissism, experiencing it first hand and in myself.

I suggest facing a mirror towards anyone who accuses you of being a narcissist.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (May 4, 2011)

Yeah, hang in there folks.   People who are used to you doing everything for them just have to make a few adjustments and learn to be independent.   Tell them if they want a therapist, they can get one and pay for it just like the rest of us have, but the therapist will probably tell them what they don't want to hear, that they should start doing things for themselves and stop feeling sorry for themselves.   Tell them if they want someone to mend clothing, clean house, cook food, they can pay for those services and you have other stuff to do, so they'll have to get someone else.  Maybe when they see how expensive these things are it will clue them in that they were being selfish to expect all these things from you alone! 

Otherwise, you could quip, there's always cloning.


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## rdw (May 5, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your kind words. When I asked the question I was beginning a downward slide back into the depression caused, I think, by not believing in myself AGAIN and listening to negative thoughts. But I am feeling better now and ready to face the world! This is a process and a battle - just when you think you have it fixed...


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