# advice needed



## port (Jan 18, 2005)

Hard to think clearly at the moment, sorry if it doesnt make much sence or hard to read/answer. 

hello, 
I was sexually abused when I was 7 and have recentley been finding it really hard to cope, ive only told one person as i find it hard to trust people. Im too scared to ask for help or goto a doctor/therapist, also dont think im ready at the moment. Find it really hard to talk about. Just feel really confused. Feels like im going crazy...

Finding it hard to study, behind with work and cant concentrate. Keep getting memorys/flashbacks not to often if i try and block it out and tell myself it was nothing, but dont think avoidence is the best way to deal with it in the long run. 

Finding it hard to sleep. (takes awhile to get to sleep and sometimes bad dreams).  

Anxiety, cant relax and feel panicy around people or even when i think about being around people when im alone, hand shakes if i think or know somebodys watching while im drawing or writing so makes work harder and i worrie if anybody notices.  

Really up and down moods or no mood at all(kinda the mood im in now). Worried about being happy as i know i will only feel really bad for it later. Also worrie about what people think of me when im really up and down and start talking bs as usually it doesnt really make much sence. 

Feel guilty about telling certain people im having trouble such as friends as its not their problem and hate upsetting people or making them feel like the have to help or be there. Use to dealing with things on my own and find it hard to ask for help or know what to say and how to act/respond when i do. The fact that most of it sounds crazy doesnt really help either : ) 

Having trouble stoping SI'ing. :/ Makes me feel ashamed afterwards, but improves my mood at the time. Quick fix i guess to help me through the day. Kinda conflicted about stopping because i know its wrong, but find it makes me feel better at the time. Also worried if i go too far one day and loose control.


Dont understand how one event from long ago can effect me so much...

would apprecaite some advice...


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 18, 2005)

port said:
			
		

> i find it hard to trust people. Im too scared to ask for help or goto a doctor/therapist, also dont think im ready at the moment. Find it really hard to talk about. Just feel really confused. Feels like im going crazy...


I understand why going to a therapist is scary. However, you also note that you find it difficult to "burden" your friends and this is obviously not going away on it's own. The SI is a consequence of carrying around all these feelings and thoughts and memories and having no outlet for them.

One of the best things about being able to talk to a therapist is that you don't have to worry about upsetting or burdening that person -- s/he is trained to listen, to guide, and to help you in a way which protects his or her own emotional state.

And there is help available for what you are experiencing.

This may not be what you want to hear but honestly the best advice I can give you is to ask your family doctor to recommend a good therapist in your area.


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## port (Jan 18, 2005)

thank you.


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## ThatLady (Jan 18, 2005)

You really do need help to deal with this, port. The "quick fixes" you're applying aren't working, as evidenced by the fact that the memories, fears, and mood swings keep coming back. It's always hard to take that first step. It was for each and every one of us who's taken it. Yet, once taken, doors begin to open and the fear and pain begins to dissipate. It's well worth the effort, hon.

A therapist is a non-judgemental person to whom you can talk about anything. As Dr. Baxter said, they're trained to help you work your way through your difficulties without allowing themselves to become too caught up in it. Another thing to try to remember: Although sharing the bad things with others is often very difficulty, we need to think of it as giving a gift, of sorts. If you've ever helped someone else through a hard time, you'll know exactly what I'm saying. We give our trust to someone close to us. It frees us, and it makes that trusted person realize how very valuable they are in the world. )


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## port (Jan 18, 2005)

Thanx again..
Think ive taken the first step by accepting it, talking about it in a way and realising/having people help me realise it wasnt my fault.

Think im going to try and find out a little more information on my own before i consult a doctor. Would make it alot easyer to explain i think and help me to be abit more comfortable and confident on the subject. 

At least i have a goal now that i would like to achieve, dont really want to rush into anything, but am trying to move in the right direction even though i tend to go backwards at times. 

Starting to find a new balence, which im happy about. Tryed things that i wouldnt of even of thought about trying to do before. Even though its alot harder now its also alot more rewarding at the same time, which i guess is a good thing. Just a shame it takes me such a long time to see it.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 18, 2005)

Have a look at http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/survivor.htm -- you'll find both internet resources and recommended books there.


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## port (Jan 31, 2005)

unsure wether to except the help of a counciler, dont think i can face it really unsure... 

think i have to due to 'poor comunication skills' at college not sure wether to accept it or try and get out of it somehow :/ 

think i know il try to get out of it and just blank it out but not sure if its the right thing to do. kinda know its not but just need some reasurence/advice/a different opinion or somethin, scared i guess, just feel weak  really worried about it, especially if i have to go, makes me feel bad thinkin about it... 

feel kinda disheartend about the whole bein refered to a counciler thing, been tryin really hard 4 last few weeks/months to be more talkitive and stuff just seems like im bk were i was. pretty sure im not tho :


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## cm (Jan 31, 2005)

Hi port,

I was wondering, do you have an appt. set up already with a counsellor??


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## port (Feb 1, 2005)

no not yet. just said he was goin to have to refer me 2 1, worried wether he will or not :/


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## cm (Feb 1, 2005)

It may help to know that when you have your first couple of sessions, (or sometimes even more) you can use them just to get generally aquainted and more at ease with the therapist.  I think for my first few sessions we talked about general things and I got a little information myself about the therapists professional background etc.


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## port (Feb 1, 2005)

more like just a college counciler then an actually theripist, just not sure wat to talk about, if anythin..

worst part is worryin wether it will or wont happen and wat im gonner do if it does at the moment...  :/


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## cm (Feb 1, 2005)

Yes, I mean counsellor too, Port.   I've seen a few college counsellors too and they know a lot about helping with many different things, like very personal concerns as well helping us get on the right vocational track and other support services available to students, for help in a wide variety of areas. Visiting the counsellors can be a positive part of going to college. They really like helping people .
cm


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## port (Feb 1, 2005)

maybe just find it hard to talk to people, even about everyday/normal stuff :/


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## cm (Feb 1, 2005)

Yeah, I hear you.  I think there's probably quite a few people around like that too and it's not noticeable for that reason- that they are pretty quiet around others.  May be it would help to tell the counsellor that, right at the start, or try and find a counsellor who is comfortable with quietness and a sense of patience, and just 'being there'  over many sessions as you gradually get more accustommed to just sitting in a session.  I have a counsellor who holds his appt's in a beautiful and tranquil setting with a view that I can just sit and look at for as long as I like when I need to. So even when nothing much is said, the sessions are very helpful.   Or, another way might be a group type session where only people who want to talk do so and if a person wants to just sit and listen they can do that too.  I bet there are lots of other good ideas out there from other people too.  It's great of you to share your concerns on this forum.
cm


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## port (Feb 1, 2005)

thank you.. find it alot eaiser then the first time i posted, always makes me feel better wen i get a repley as well


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## KiwiGirlInOz (Feb 1, 2005)

Hi port,
I am an Adult survivor as well. Please do go see someone - it saved my life. I may be nmisreading what you wrote but in one of your posts you said *you were scared of it happening again* Do you mean the abuse?

When I started therapy, one of the biggest things for me to come to terms with was how much of my life has been affected by the abuse ie relationships, confidence, my body image, my choice of career etc etc. Sounds to me like you have been working really, really hard at trying to block out your abuse so that you can keep functioning and I know how much courage and strength that takes -so congratulations on how much strength you obviously have!! But unfortunately (or fortunately) there comes a time when our subconscious decides that we are now ready to confront our abuse rather than pushing it down. Sounds to me like all the symptoms you are having ie flashbacks are your body's way of telling you that you are ready to face the abuse and start healing. Please see a therapist.


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## port (Feb 1, 2005)

didnt mean the abuse, happened a good 10 years ago. pretty sure it will never happen again.

seriously considouring it, think il just see how things go for now.

 im a chicken


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## cm (Feb 1, 2005)

Well, you're in good company.
cm


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 1, 2005)

Even for a therapist, being in therapy for the first time can be a little scary... that's normal. After all, you're going there because you're not happy about something in your life and you're going to tell someone who at first is usually a total stranger intimate details about yourself. It's not like agreeing to go have coffee with a co-worker or fellow student.

On the other hand, there are a lot of myths about counselling or psychotherapy too. One is that you'll be expected to "spill your guts" in the first session -- as cm notes, that's not true. Another is that somehow "the shrink" will be able to read your mind or know what you are thinking -- that is definitely not true either.


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## port (Feb 4, 2005)

feeling really down, dont know wat to do with my self.. had a flashback like 30 mins ago seems to have really bothered me and i dont know why...


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 4, 2005)

When that happens to me I try to focus on the moment that I'm in, look around and realize that I am not back there at that time. I am here now and I survived. It also helps to focus on something to do like write or read something or listen to music. 

Hope you're feeling better soon.


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## port (Feb 11, 2005)




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## port (Feb 12, 2005)

dont think i can go on with this much longer.. dont know what to do anymore... seems like things r commin to an end.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 12, 2005)

port, see http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1753.

Have you got an appointment with a therapist/counselor yet?


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## port (Feb 12, 2005)

:/ no not yet.. really up and down moods recentley, seem to go from hopelessness to lifes ok in the space of an hour, feels like im goin round in circles. Gettin abit crazy tbh. Feel like i need to talk about it more get it outta my head, not sure tho. never sure of anything


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## cm (Feb 12, 2005)

Hi port,

This is a good place to talk.  What's up today?


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## port (Feb 12, 2005)

not sure, just keep feeling really down.. Tired of remembering and feeling this way. Cant seem to sort myself out...


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## cm (Feb 12, 2005)

Well, what's been on your mind today (if you feel like sharing it)?


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## port (Feb 12, 2005)

Got a new book which i was really nervous about gettin, only read a few pages.. made me feel shitty... Cant seem to get it out my head..

Have to go bk to college on monday havent finnished my work :/ 

Been thinkin alot more about seeing a doctor, cant face it yet tho. Just wish i could talk about it, if i knew i could would make it so much eaier to go. just makes me feel so bad...   bah


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## cm (Feb 12, 2005)

Yes, I know it's hard to concentrate on homework when other ideas are on the mind.  Is the new book about issues that you are dealing with then?  That must be very difficult.


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## port (Feb 12, 2005)

the courage to heal :/

think im worried im never gonner get past this, cant seem to ask for help. just wish i wasnt so ashamed and could just get it all out of my system.


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## cm (Feb 12, 2005)

I think you are already showing courage port.  You are reaching out for help through this forum.  It is a great place to come for help and support, for lots of us.  You also had the courage to get a book that may help you.  I think each of these actions shows courage, so it looks like you are making progress, step by step.  I guess it's kind of like an evolution--it can occur slowly over time (like growing too, I guess, which means sometimes it's very slow and then, there may be a growth spurt at some point when the time is right).  I think you are making progress and I'm glad you are a part of the forum here.


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## port (Feb 12, 2005)

thanks, think maybe im just expectin to much and started to get disapointed with the results. an all or nothing kinda thing maybe.

Gd to have different people to talk to, appreciate ur replys.

kinda worried that soon i wont have anyone to talk to which is kinda selfish and is pissin me off that im thinkin that way. 

Seem to be really insecure :/ crazy.. 

Just hard tryin to fix somethin wen u dont know wats wrong... :/


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## cm (Feb 14, 2005)

Is there a reason why you might not have anyone to talk to  in the near future?


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## port (Feb 15, 2005)

nah not really, just somethin i was really worried about, seems kinda stupid now. had one of those weekends... but its all gd 


just noticed it sounds like im talkin about suicide, which im not btw. 0_0 Was more like a who would want to talk to me, everyone hates me kinda thing...


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## cm (Feb 16, 2005)

Well, always remember that there are many of us here around this forum that do care about you, and like talking with you.  I hope you will keep us informed on how things are going with you.
cm


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## port (Feb 18, 2005)

k ty.. things r goin pretty well i think...


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## port (Feb 23, 2005)

hi again..
things seem to be going resonable ok at the moment, having really bad days at times but apart from that its all gd...

been thinking about talking about it to a friend who already knows, but ive never done it face to face in real life :/ not sure wether its a gd idea or not. dont think il even be able to speak just something thats been at the back of my mind that its something that i should do :/ was hoping for some advice :/


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## Techie (Feb 23, 2005)

Hi Port,

Its a tough place to be...

I know for me it was... it was hard telling somebody about the abuse the first time... and next few times after that.  I was embarrassed.  I felt like they would look at me strangely or think I was strange.  But I learned over time that feeling like that is a legacy left over from the abuse... we as children seem to think the abuse was our fault... like it was something we did or must have deserved.  It takes a while to learn (as adults) how our thoughts and feelings have become twisted.

But it helps to talk about it.  It really does.  It helps us to break out of that cocoon we feel trapped in. (I sometimes feel 'trapped in my mind')

Some people prefer family or friends to tell about it... I personally could not turn to family (they were the abusers) and I had only a very few friends.  I found it easier to tell 'strangers'... my therapists... because they did not 'know' me... it felt less threatening and embarrassing.

It was hard building up the courage and it took several sessions before it really started coming out.  But once the secret was out it started to lose its hold on me.  It was a weight off my shoulders.. I did not have to carry the secret or the 'shame' I felt.

Letting it out really does help.  Especially when you get into the details of it.  Getting out the deep stuff is like releasing the pressure on a pressure cooker.  Then it gets easier each time... your stress levels drop and concentration usually improves.  As does the sleep.

Can I ask... you are young... but do you take something to help you sleep ?  Just a word of caution if you do... MOST sleeping aids will heighten dreaming and many can cause nightmares.  Its different with ever person but as a whole its a very common side effect.

Also... are you in a safe place in your life now ?  Without prying too much here... I hope you are away from the abuser(s) now ?  If the abuser is in your life still then having a therapist is VERY important... they can help you learn proper techniques to calm yourself.  Some people find that closure comes from pressing formal police charges against their abuser... even if MANY years have passed since the abuse.

Please keep in touch Port.

Hugs
Kevin


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 23, 2005)

That's well said, Kevin.

Another way to think of it, port, is that you feel as if you are carrying around a shameful secret -- and you are -- but it's not your shameful secret: it's the abuser's shameful secret. I think that's part of what Kevin is saying: You let go of it because it isn't your shame to begin with and when you are able to do that you may well feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.


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## port (Feb 24, 2005)

im 18, dont have any contact at all with him.

think maybe it was a bad idea to ask a friend if they wanted to talk about it sometime, havent heard from them since, prob busy but cant help feeling ive said something wrong or shouldnt of said anything at all. no-one wants to hear that shit tbh... but dont know... probably wouldnt be able to do it anyway.


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## port (Feb 24, 2005)

any advice on how to talk about it to make it easier for all concerned? not sure wat to say or how to say it :/ not sure if il even be able to say anything...


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## Techie (Feb 24, 2005)

Hi Port,

Its tough to make that first step... isn't it ?  Thats ok.

Following up on my last post... how do you feel about talking ?  I know you say you might not be able to... but without getting into details... what feelings are you having ?  

Anger ?
Sadness ?
Embaressment ?

In other words... what is making you feel like its so hard to talk about ?

Maybe thats a good place to start ? This way you dont have to give details and you can start getting a sense of how it feels to let things out.

Perhaps here might be a safe place to start ?  People here are maybe more likely to know where you are coming from.

Hugs
Kevin


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## port (Feb 25, 2005)

not sure what i feel, just bad. cant really tell the difference between whats what. :/  think i feel ashamed...

i cant seem to get the words out, start to stutter :/


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## Techie (Feb 25, 2005)

Feeling confused ?  I know that feeling... not sure what to think... even what to feel ?

I think that most survivors feel ashamed.

REALLY dont want to push... but you seem like you would like to get it out ?  Would it be hard to start by telling whom it was that hurt you ?

Kev


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## port (Feb 25, 2005)

a man who lived a couple of streets away.. :/


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## port (Feb 25, 2005)

was wonderin why i stutter and cant seem to get the words out when i try and talk about it?
stuttered before when asking people certain things but never really been abig problem then again usually dont talk or say somethin else instead, tired of bein a mass of one word answers and phrases...


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## Techie (Feb 26, 2005)

I am no expert... but my guess would be stress.

Different people manifest stress in any number of ways... some rub their palms of their hands together... some rock... some have a restless leg that shakes... some become 'disconnected' (my symptom).  The thing is... all of these 'symptoms' are those displayed by people I have known who were undergoing stress while talking about their abuse.

From this and from what you have said... one could surmise that your stutter comes from stress.  It would not have to be from talking about the bad events... it could also happen when talking to somebody you 'like' the very first time... or if you are mad at somebody... or if you are discussing or thinking about something that makes you nervous in any way.

Do you notice if you stutter when talking about other things ?  Asking somebody out for the first time ?  Talking about exam or test results ?  When fighting with a friend ?  Or does it only happen when you want to talk about the abuse ?

I would need to call on David's expertise here... but it would appear that if it happened while talking about any number of stressful events then I would say that it was as a result of self-confidence and/or assertiveness issues.  If it only happens when talking about the abuse then it is obviously directly related to the trauma.

Take care.
Kev


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## port (Feb 26, 2005)

Tends to happen wen i want to say or ask something important, like talking about how i feel or why i cant do certain things, asking people for their opinion on things. :/


ty 4 replying...


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 26, 2005)

Port, the stuttering is possibly an independent issue that is aggravated by anxiety or stress, but, like PTSD, there are effective treatments for both. 

They key, I think, for you is to get to the point where you are willing to go and see a therapist. It's far easier than talking to a friend. Indeed, it's a lot like talking to people here, because the therapist is there to listen and to help, with empathy and support, not to judge or criticize. A therapist will never think badly of you and you do not have to worry about what the therapist thinks or feels.


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## ThatLady (Feb 26, 2005)

I've had a couple of friends who had stuttering problems much like that which you describe. They were able to get therapy and overcome it. So can you, Port. It's just a matter of taking that first, albeit difficult, step. Good luck to you! )


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## port (Feb 26, 2005)

thanx :/


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## cm (Feb 26, 2005)

Hi port,

There's some really good insight here by all the posters.
I wanted to share what happens to me when I am talking or even thinking, about distressful things.  First,  my muscles really tighten up, practically all of them, and my breathing becomes shallow and tense too.  When my muscles tighten, I start shaking, especially in the hands, and also the voice.  It's kind of embarassing because of the reactions I perceive in the people I'm talking with. (my therapist doesn't have these reactions though, so it is easier to talk to them and occasionally I may even begin to 'relax' a bit--lol).  Making sure that I'm warm also helps me to relax a bit more.
cm


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## port (Feb 27, 2005)

Wanted to say thanx to everyone who's posted, found some of the information very helpful and the replys comferting. 

goodluck with everything...


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## port (Mar 10, 2005)

do people like me have to see a theripist? just something that i thought i would always have to do, like i was never strong enough to deal with it on my own with a little help from my friends, like i never had a choice...


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 10, 2005)

I think it would be helpful. It's not that you aren't strong or anything like that. It's that you went through something that was very painful and traumatic and it bothers you. And talking to someone who is objective and trained to help you would do you a lot of good. The thing about talking to friends is sometimes they can't handle things. I told a friend once about a problem I was having and it turned out badly. And sometimes friends have gone through similar things and can't deal with hearing it from someone they care about. Of course, there are friends who _can_ handle these things, but I think it's really good to get a counselor to talk to. In fact, I need to take my own advice. 

I really hope you will find someone to talk to about this. I want so much for you to heal. And remember it's a process, not something that will happen overnight.


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## HA (Mar 10, 2005)

Hello Port,

Janet has given you some excellent advice. If you are wondering how your childhood abuse experiences have affected your life, then a professional therapist would be able to answer this question and help you better understand this. 

It is a sign of strength to seek out help, not a sign of weakness. Good for you for reaching out in this forum and I hope you get connected to some professional help soon.


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## port (Mar 11, 2005)

k thanx for your repleys, think im gonner try talking to a friend who already knows about it but never actually told them in real life..


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## HA (Mar 13, 2005)

Hello Port,

I have been reading about childhood sexual abuse and came across this list of questions that people should ask themselves before speaking about there abuse with friends and others.

To keep yourself safe consider asking yourself these questions when you are deciding to open up to someone : 

*"How long have I known this person?" 

"Have I given myself time to find out about their values and opinions?" 

"Do I respect their values and opinions?"

"Does this person show respect for me?" 

"Do they show respect for others?" 

"When I speak about something that's personal, can they listen?" 

" Do I feel judged or unsafe with this person?" *

Asking ourselves these questions gives us more of an understanding of what kind of a relationship is possible with others and whether they are someone who can/will accept us as we are.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 13, 2005)

And maybe add this one:

*"Is this an individual who will respect my privacy and confidence and not go talking about me behind my back or gossiping to others about what we discuss? Does this person talk about conversations s/he has had with other people in confidence?"*


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## port (Mar 13, 2005)

thanx for your advice, pretty safe on all those questions.

Tryed and couldnt do it :/ wished id tryed harder, but its a big step, think i was expectin too much of myself and ended up feeling bad about it. Come along way tho and guess they'll be other times to try again.  just feel abit down :/


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## HA (Mar 13, 2005)

It is a big step, Port. I think it is the feeling of shame that makes it the most difficult to talk about it. Shame usually stems from thinking that it is somehow your fault or that you could have stopped it. Children are *never *at fault for sexual abuse. They are not capable of being at fault because they are children. It is the prepetrator who is to be blamed.

Hopefully there will be others who have moved beyond the first steps of disclosing their abuse and can tell you what worked for them.

Reading about others who have experienced the same thing can be vey helpful. Maybe you could do more reading?

In most areas there are groups that are run by professionals where you can meet with others in your shoes and learn how to deal with your abuse and move on. Maybe a group of people will help you feel more safe?


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## port (Mar 13, 2005)

nah dont really do groups of people.  gd suggestion, but just not my sort of thing. :/

Think i kinda thought i was ready to talk about it and now i realise that i wasnt, just abit disapointed with myself. Had a gd night out anyway, shouldnt worry about it, just need to try a little harder if i get another chance at it.

heh was just thinking talkin about it is somethin i thought i would never be able to do and now im almost there, really weird feeling  as if..


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## port (Apr 6, 2005)

hi, could anyone give me some advice/tips about goin to the doctor for the first time and seeking out help such as a therepist or councillior. Not sure what to do or wat to expect.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 6, 2005)

There's some good advice here:

http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=1969

I hope that someone will be able to give you more advice. 
It's so good that you're considering this. I wish you the best.


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## port (Apr 25, 2005)

lo again, i was wondering if anyone could recommend some gd books, know theres quite a few on this subject just hard knowing whats worth getting and whats not..  ty


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 26, 2005)

Some books on seeing a therapist?


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## port (Apr 26, 2005)

not really, a book about more general info about 'adult survivors'. Something, someone might think is worth reading and provide some more helpful insight into the healing process,feelings, ways of thinking and so on.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 26, 2005)

See Adult Survivors and Adult Children. In each case, scroll down the page to "Recommended Reading" and you'll see a list of recommended books. Click on any title and it will take you to the Amazon description of the book, often with reader reviews.


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## port (May 15, 2005)

anybody else feel like they just dont belong? have this feeling like im not ment to be here..


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## port (May 20, 2005)

guess not


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## Cat Dancer (May 20, 2005)

port, I think most of us have felt that way at one time or another. Some of us feel that way most all the time. I've actually been told that I don't belong or fit anywhere. 

I especially think that survivors of child abuse feel this way. They think that somehow the abuse sets them apart from other people. 

Sometimes when I feel really left out I remember what a friend once said to me. It was somethng like "you have as much right to be on this earth as anyone else" and I think that's true of you too. We all belong in some way or another. I think an important thing is to find people who accept you the way you are.


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## port (May 20, 2005)

maybe, not the way i feel tho.. people move on just the way it goes.. feel like im not ment to be here and hangin on just makes it worse..


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## Cat Dancer (May 20, 2005)

Yeah, I feel that way a lot. Especially lately.

I think that it's time for you to find a therapist to talk to about all of this. Have you done that yet?

I apologize if I said something the wrong way. I don't think what is in my head always comes out the way I mean it to.


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## port (May 20, 2005)

never said anything wrong just not feeling great myself havent for a few days, can never seem to say wat i mean and get it right either..

nah dont want a therapist at the moment, just feeling abit alone and ashamed ive relapsed into si again.. dont feel as if i can tell anyone only so many times u can say things to people before they get sick of hearing about it and wishin u would just move on..

wish i could..


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## Kanadiana (May 20, 2005)

port said:
			
		

> thank you.. find it a lot eaiser then the first time i posted, always makes me feel better wen i get a repley as well



Hi Port,

I haven't posted in here in a while, haven't even been here as my life has kept me involved (big transitions).

Like you. I'm a survivor of early childhood  sexual and other abuse, and I never talked to anyone about it, or even 'felt" about it , until I was about 35 then it hit like a ton of bricks ... also like you, I found it really hard to talk about anything really important or personal anyways, trust was always an issue, as was talking also had a tendency to trigger some pretty intensive memories and feelings.

I suggest, based on my own personal experiences with how this stuff came out and happened for me, that it's best to have a councellor who understands the long range impact of abuse/trauma and that can help you as a listener, and with ways to cope with the feelings and thoughts triggered.

Man or woman, when this stuff jumps out of the closet, its important to talk with people who understand, and who can be both empathetic AND objective. Friends, family, loved ones, may not be the best choices because they can't usually be objective. 

I had extremely low self-esteem, and much shame, about the abusive experiences, and about being effected by them as an adult ... and a whole bunch of other things. So ... a therapist can be an excellent person to turn to, as an objective outsider who is there for you alone, in order for you to express some of whats going on for you right now, and sort through things.

Meanwhile ... if you aren't used to talking to people, forums like this are a wnderful way to break the ice so you aren't holding the burden all on your own and get overwhelmed by it.

People in here can empathize and won't judge in here ... many of us have been exactly where you've been, in different ways, and certainly don't judge.  We know how we're effected by history 

You ain't nuts ... you're reacting very normally and sanely to shit that happened ... thats all 

K.


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## port (May 21, 2005)

thnx


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## Kanadiana (May 21, 2005)

Hi Again Port,

I notice that I suggested a therapist but I see from what you write that you don't feel quite ready at times for that.  Understood. We all have our own paces and timings, and ways, of moving with things, don't we   My point was just that there are times when they can and do help a lot . Its such an individual thing. I know lots of survivors don't feel good in groups or social settings. I personally think thats got a lot to do with how the abuse effects our self-image and self-esteem and that we can lay the blame on the abuse for how we feel around other people. Argh! We're social creatures  

I hope, if anything, that you continue to read and post in here. For myself, I most needed to be able to just talk openly about how I really felt and thought, and what I was really going through ... that alone, helped a lot sometimes.  

By the way ... I know the sense of shame that can hit when I take a dive again ...  I get down on myself ... I'm 51 and should be perfectly together "at this age" etc ... and yes, I also know the frustration of people not wanting to hear anymore and wishing "get on with things" ... well, we get on with things when we actually do, and not a minute before, and its not one action from here to there, it's a process  Having said that, most of us in here are here because "we're workin' on it" ...  I wish all people could understand this. We just have to seach out those that do though ... places like this and wherever we find them.

Take Care Port ... Karmen


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