# Too Much of a Selfless Good Thing: Pathological Altruism



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 14, 2012)

*Too Much of a Selfless Good Thing: Pathological Altruism*
by Katherine Schreiber, PsychCentral
October 14, 2012

There?s a good chance you?ve been lectured on the virtues of selflessness. Regardless of how religious you are, putting others? welfare before your own can carry a lot of clout.

 But is acting on others? behalf always a good thing? Should a willing altruist ever keep from extending a helping hand? 

 As it turns out, there are many situations in which unbridled benevolence may be a dangerous deed.

 Say hello to _Pathological Altruism_. Broadly defined as ?good intentions gone awry? by pathological altruism pioneer Barbara Oakley,  the term applies to any helping behavior that ends up hurting either  the provider or recipient of supposedly well-meaning intentions. 

Codependency, helicopter parenting, eating disorders, animal  hoarding, genocide and suicide martyrdom all count as kinds of  pathological altruism. Each is a combination of information deficiency,  self-righteousness, and misdirected aims. 

*When Helping Hurts, and Why Some of Us Can?t Stop* 
A desire to alleviate others? suffering ? even if by means that harm,  rather than improve, another person?s well-being ? arise from our  brain?s hardwired empathy circuits, empathy researchers Carolyn  Zahn-Waxler and Carol Van Hulles note. The mere sight of another?s  distress evokes patterns of activity in our own nervous systems that  mimic others? emotional or physical pain as if it were our own, albeit  at a much less intense level than the actual sufferer. So it?s no wonder most of us would like to get rid of the not-so-pleasant feelings ASAP.

 The same neural systems that enable vicarious pain and empathy also  appear to give rise to guilt ? especially when that guilt derives from  feeling obligated yet unable to effectively help sufferers in need, says  depression and guilt researcher Lynn E. O?Connor.

  ?Guilt is a prosocial emotion,? O?Connor explains. ?We?re hardwired  for it. Guilt holds us together by prompting us act on behalf of others  and to forgive.?

 Without empathy and empathy-derived guilt we couldn?t form those  meaningful interpersonal bonds that help us survive, reproduce, and  preserve the integrity of our own kin and community. But if the more  rational areas of our brain which give rise to planning and self-control  don?t temper our empathic instincts, they can undermine our own ? and  others? ? physical and psychological health. 

 Think of a mother who insists upon writing her son?s college  application because she wants him to get into the best Ivy League  college. Or the dutiful daughter who buys her obese mother sugar-laden  sweets to placate the latter?s cravings. 

 Then call to mind the overzealous surgeon who insists upon invasive  procedures to fix a patient who would rather die in peace, nd the  ill-informed neighbor who turns his home into a kitty haven ? to the  detriment of his and the kittens? health and the safety of those living  nearby.

 Not convinced? How about the men who plunged 747s into the World  Trade Center, or the ever-growing roster of suicide bombers wreaking  unpredictable havoc in Syria, Afghanistan, Yemen, and other areas across  the globe? These individuals certainly believed they were acting on  behalf of what was right, good, and ultimately in everyone?s ?best  interest.?

*So Should We Be Meaner?* 
Unbridled selfishness certainly is not the antidote, caution experts  like applied ethics professor Arthur Dobrin. That said, there are a few  key tips that all of us can keep in mind next time we have an impulse  to make everyone else but ourselves feel better.

 Oakley recommends stepping back from our knee-jerk reactions to  immediately fix the problem(s) we see in front of us (in the way we see  best), reevaluate what would really work for the other person, and  consider whether our attempts to intervene would worsen the problem at  hand. 

 Mindfulness meditation ? especially the type Tibetan Buddhists  practice ? is a great place to start. O?Connor?s research shows  that those who meditate on behalf of all sentient beings? benefit  experience less of the guilt that leads us to try soaking up everyone  else?s woes. Thinking good thoughts may satisfy meditators? urges to  alleviate others? suffering by convincing them that altruistic  sentiments alone constitute enough of an effort. Or the continual  practice of mindful awareness may train practitioners to reappraise  what?s actually in another person?s best interest and just how they can  most effectively ? if at all ? help before impulsively intervening.  (O?Connor and her colleagues are still investigating just how Tibetan Buddhist meditation achieves such impressive effects.)  

 Another route to preventing the worsening of another?s suffering by  trying to swoop in and help is learning to say no. Co-dependency expert  and coach Carl Benedict recommends attending a Codependents Anonymous  meeting, or working with a therapist to reprogram those brain areas  that make you believe your own needs should never come first.

 Of course, setting boundaries also means telling someone else if and  when their attempts to help you are hurting. Prepare yourself in advance  that their feathers might be ruffled by a confrontation, but keep in  mind that this feedback is necessary to help stem their not-so-helpful  behavior. 

 We needn?t question every one of our urges to lend a hand. But  pausing to consider the perspective of someone we?re trying to help, as  well as the long-term consequences of our seemingly selfless behavior,  may lead us to deem breathing room a more benevolent antidote than  smothering someone else with our love.

*References*

 Oakley, B., Knafo, A., Guruprasad, M., & Wilson, D. S. (2011). _Pathological Altruism_. Oxford. 
 O?Connor, L.E. et al. Empathy, Guilt and Altruism: Tibetan Buddhist  Meditation Practices. Poster presented via The Wright Institute?s  Emotions, Personality, and Altruism Research Group. Berkeley,  California. http://www.eparg.org/tibetan-fs.pdf  
 O?Connor, L.E., et al. (2011). Empathy-Based Pathogenic Guilt, Pathological Altruism, and Psychopathology. _Pathological Altruism_. Oxford. 
 O?Connor, L.E. et al. Depression, Guilt, and Tibetan Buddhism. (2012). _Psychology_. Vol. 3, No.29; 805-809. PSYCH_Social Sciences & Humanities_Journal_SCIRP 
 Osborn, J., Derbyshire, S. W.G. 2010. Pain sensation evoked by observing injury in others. _Pain_. Vol. 148, Issue 2 268-274. Elsevier 
 Knafo, A., Waxler, C.Z., et al. The Developmental Origins of a  Disposition Towards Empathy: Genetic and Environmental Contributions. _Emotion_. 2008, Vol. 8. No. 6, 737-752. http://psychology.huji.ac.il/.upload/articles/KnafoWinningArticle.pdf  
_Neuropsychological Connection_. Science Daily, 22 Dec. 2008. Web. 1 Oct 2012. Selflessness -- Core Of All Major World Religions -- Has Neuropsychological Connection 
 Pelligra, V., 2011. Empathy, Guilt-Aversion, and Patterns of Reciprocity. _Journal of Neuroscience, Psychology and Economics_ 4(3), pp. 161-173. http://crenos.unica.it/crenos/files/WP11-08.pdf  
 Tangney, J.P., Stuewig, J., Mashek, D.J. Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior. _Annual Revue of Psychology_. 2007; 58: 345-372. Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior


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## W00BY (Oct 15, 2012)

It's a hard cycle to break,

My rampant altruism comes from my childhood and what was expected of me and also what I was told and treated like; that I was nothing, I was there to serve others and that I meant nothing to no one in the grander scheme of things.

My first urge when a problem occurs is "I can fix this". Second is, guilt, even if I hesitate on this impulse for a moment guilt will rush in further compounding the urge to help, after that there is a buffet of emotions all very unkind towards myself as if I am failing myself and others.

Worse is that people come to expect this snap "I can help" reaction further compounding all above, that I should be happy and chatty, that I should run and start cooking as soon as the words "I am hungry" are expressed or that I should jump in my car, put my hand in my pocket, or rescue the sheep stranded at the side of the road.

Setting borders is essential and something I am still learning, and meditation is a good example because the practice of listening to yourself and putting yourself before that moment where you could fill the void in some way is not easy for me to do and with practice it is getting better.

Reading Carl Rogers really helped me to understand that, as pointed out above, things like religion, society, our parents and even your best friend expect selflessness and tell you it's a good thing, but I became so swamped in selflessness I couldn't breath and certainly didn't know who I was, I think Roger's theory helps you shed this by helping you to understand personal authenticity and that unless we can listen and express ourselves and certainly maintain and look after our needs we will run into trouble.

So now sometimes the dreaded word "No" does leave my lips and thanks to Carl I try not to beat myself up too much after it.


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