# PTSD Resources in Ottawa



## Justaday (Jan 20, 2011)

I really hate Ottawa re: access to trauma help. It's beena real struggle. Veterans get help, the ROH has a trauma program for Veterans. Having PTSD and I guess I was presenting a fair bit of dissociation when I was assessed at the ROH, but they told me that I didn't qualify for the Anxiety Disorders program because they don't treat PTSD there. So, why isn't there a dissociative disorder program? OR something that serves PTSD. I didn't chose the crap I grew up in. I even refused to become an addict, though it's all around me. I cleaned up, on my own. I tried to go to school, I volunteered and served my community and the most vulnerable (volunteered-- no private insurance deal-- stupid).

Like if people pay taxes for health care, and it is proven that PTSD does show up as a sort of brain injury, it shows up on MEG scans, yet I am denied access to treatment, vs. others with debilitating illnesses. It's NOT fair, but I've learnt to live with that, and it just strengthens my determination and I will kick this PTSD in the azz. I have a feeling that if one is poor, that it's just cheaper to let them rot on disability vs. to treat it, and I just wish that fact was known and acknowledged, vs. me being blamed for being ill, just because the severity is not recognized, nor given treatment. Cause I've taken the slack for that too (It's called, coming from an uncaring reptilian family [except for my brother, who does know, who was there for a lot of it]). 

Okay, I went into a tiny rant there, but it is frustrating from my perspective. I did get a social worker who's smart enough and has taught me some flashback management, but I've been sick since 96, total incapacitation by 98, had some ability to study and learn, but totally wrong direction (social work, addictions counsellor-- really bad idea for me-- I thought the courses were cheaper than counselling and I'd have something to show for it and I hoped to become well through it. . . desperation).


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## suewatters1 (Jan 20, 2011)

*Re: Complex Emotional Disorder*

Have you ever tried to register with the Ottawa Anxiety and Trauma Clinic The Ottawa Anxiety and Trauma Clinic
My friend got it there after being on a long waiting list and he has PTSD.

Sue


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 20, 2011)

*Re: PTSD vs Complex PTSD*

For specific age groups, ethinic groups, or kinds of trauma there are also other resources in Ottawa, for example:

Centre For Treatment of Sexual Abuse and Childhood Trauma 

Trauma including Abuse - Ottawa-Carleton, ON - Mental Health Resources


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## Justaday (Jan 21, 2011)

*Re: Complex Emotional Disorder*



suewatters1 said:


> Have you ever tried to register with the Ottawa Anxiety and Trauma Clinic The Ottawa Anxiety and Trauma Clinic
> My friend got it there after being on a long waiting list and he has PTSD. Sue



I just want to say thanks for that.  It was recommended to my by my trauma teacher (who witnessed me in a flashback), to try to see Dr. Albuquerque.  

I've actually tried for several years to get into the Ottawa Anxiety and Trauma Clinic.  What I was trying to do is to get an OHIP-covered psychiatrist from there (since I don't have private insurance, and worse now because I'm on ODSP (Disability).  

I can't remember all the exact years I've tried, but I think I started with a phone call back in '98, and they told me it was a 2-year waitlist-- and I hadn't had a lot of experience back then trying to self-advoacte, I should have made sure my name was on the waitlist-- I thought, well no point I'll be better by that time (woops, I was wrong); I tried again it was a 4 year wait; again a 6 year wait-- I did get my name on a waitlist, I think.  I had also emailed them a few times over the years, I remember not getting a response to one.  I called again, "no waitlist" because they felt it was unfair to others, false hopes maybe?   I don't know what they have done with the waitlists, the older ones. . .?

I also had my GP try a referral about 3 years ago, and it was declined (my dx is well documented. . .?), no space.  What was difficult as well with that GP, and maybe it's practice with others, that they'll only do one referral at a time, have to wait to hear back, before initiating another referral. . .I knew it was a long-shot, but I tried anyway.

I think there's only 2 psychiatrists/OHIP covered professionals there at the centre?  I heard Dr.Albuquerque works part time, and it's longer-term care for her clients. . . no spaces opening up any time soon.  I've been tracking that centre for several years along with the psychiatrists I know who were trained in PTSD treatment and I've tried everything reasonable.  I remember also, there was Dr. Fraser; Dr. Sequeira. . . Dr. Welburn. . .maybe Dr.Cameron was there at one time?  I know he was at the ROH and had a trauma program, but I found out too late (when I was taking those courses), and he got shifted to Uplands OSI, this also coicided with severe cutbacks Mike Harris era to health care. . .

I know they're one of the best sources in Ottawa, in terms of quality.



> For specific age groups, ethinic groups, or kinds of trauma there are also other resources in Ottawa, for example:
> 
> Centre For Treatment of Sexual Abuse and Childhood Trauma



Thanks also for this.  I did get in breifly for a student counsellor at a discounted rate, I think I paid $20./session which I could afford at one time, but it was short-term, 4 months (starts in October, break Dec-January holidays, break at Spring Break, and ending by end of March.  I did learn at that time how to do Visualization of a Safe Place.  I felt okay leaving, when it terminiated, I protect myself.  I though, should have had more post-care planning, referred to a outpatient hospital program, maybe I could have picked up from there. . .

Also there's a couple of on-line sources, that can do referrals re: PTSD-- they're based in the States, but they have an extensive data-base.  There's the sidran.org and isst-d.org that have "help desks", so I could write to them and tell them about my circumstances and symptoms.  I was referred to one of the counsellors at the Centre for Treatment, I think her name was Brenda Saxburg (?). . . problem is, I can't afford it-- I think the costs were something like $200./$160/ per session.



> Trauma including Abuse - Ottawa-Carleton, ON - Mental Health Resources


I did get into some crisis counselling at the ORCC, it was a year wait post-rape.  I did the Stage One Recovery Group, and yes, that was helpful.  They helped me recognize a little more when I was dissociating or about to flood, and it was helpful that they could signal to me to breathe-- and that has stuck with me.  It was an excellent group, I processed one of my traumas.  It's impossible to help myself if I'm struggling to recognize what's happening within me when I'm experiencing flashbacks, anxiety, dissociation.  There is one more resource there that I can check out as well, I have phoned them before SASC-- I think they referred me to the program that was also starting at the ORCC.  I could try to get into the Second Stage Recovery Group, I think that's still open to me.

A lot of the other resources on there, I don't qualify, re: not Native or Metis; CHEO-- I'm not a youth or young adult anymore. . .

I think it woudl have been helpful if I had a mental health case worker-- but the funny thing is is that I hate the hospital so much, once was enough-- so I don't have the 'repeat hospitalizations on my medical records" which disqualify me from help from ACT-team, nor CMHA (plus I'd have to be at immediate risk for homelessness, but I might try CMHA again. . .?  I think I'm okay with my current social worker though).

There's a group starting up at *Psychiatric Survivors (PSO) *which I'm going to check out, it starts next week (it's not an official PSO group, but permission to use that space).  I contacted the person running the group-- she has experience from Homewood, so it would be *great* to learn from what they have learnt.  There's no professional facilitator, but most of the facilitators have extensive group experience.

PSO also runs WRAP workshops (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) and I tried to do that before, but I didn't have any counsellor, nor psychiatrist at that time.  I didn't have much in my tool box, and I still have to sort through appropriate coping strategies for symptoms, which I'm casually trying to log.  I'm thinking it's possible that the Trauma group there, could be a springboard back for me to get into the WRAP program and I should be more equipped with coping skills tool box.  I have gathered some, I've worked with on-line groups, I found a DID one really helpful (since often they share PTSD as well)-- those groups did help.

I also need to revitalize my MBSR, because I think that's a really great foundation for coping with PTSD, more mindfulness means more possible for early symptom recognition, and more mindfulness that I can combine with flashback management techniques as well.

I'm certainly not in as bad of a spot as I have been.  I wrote out 4 pages detailing the hell I've gone through trying to get help, but my connection got cut off, and maybe that's a blessing, no need to stress out other members here, create vicarious traumatization .  Some people from Ottawa, you might be familiar with, e.g. Dr. Kambites. . . or from Carleton University (when I first broke down), I think the doc I had there was treating Nadia-- I could have and should have reported him, just on the minor ethics breaches-- because he needed supervision, I think he became sick and burnt out-- he couldn't help me with boundaries and limitations, because he was unclear in himself about those things.  It's unfortunate he didn't recognize his professional limitations, he should have referred me.  He didn't teach me any symptom coping; he wasn't mindful, present-- he was in theory world, and it was some sort of "structural social work" experiment, which was unhelpful for me at the time, in the "safety stage of recovery".

It's when I took courses at Algonquin in Trauma and Addicitons, and a trauma teacher there (who's certified practicioner) and she witnessed me in flashback, post-role-play exercise, and some of my symptoms expressed in class discussions- - but the question of "what kind of therapy was my doctor doing with me"-- and I didn't know, it didn't match up with any of the recommended therapies. . . it was confusion.  When I confronted my doctor to ask for more clarity, he responded in a threatening tone, "I happen to know a lot of important people", which I took as implying no one will believe me. . . and it had an effect of creating fear in me, and fear to trust the psychiatrist community. . . I was messed up by it.  

He also withheld paperwork when I tried to get into the Camilus Centre (Elliot Lake) "family program' (addictions from family of origin)-- I worked on trying to help myself, but I didn't have others working with me.  He held up the paper not, once, not twice, three times, then the window of opportunity closed for me.  I had everything set up.  I had gone to Serenity Renewal and spoke with Sister Louise and she recommended that program for me, and I got it set up, all I needed was Dr. C's release, consent forms to share info.  Each time I asked, well what's happened, "oh I forgot", "oh, I'll get the secretaries on it". . . the window closed because I planned to try to take some courses, part time (Algonquin wasn't super demanding, it was adult education)-- it was cheaper than counselling, and I could afford it at that time.  The program at Elliot Lake for family suvivors of addictions from family of origin was subsequently cancelled, not funded.

I wasn't hospitalized until 2005, I went in voluntarily, on advice of a lawyer I sought advice from re: my fears that a child was harmed and about lines of confidentiality re: seeking professional help and that my life had been threatened.  I was not delusional.  It was a complicated set of circumstances involving a friend of mine who also had PTSD, who I reconnected with (I had known her in highschool) and I thought oh great, we can compare notes, pool our resources together.   Her PTSD was untreated as well and she let a dangerous abuser into her life, and she also had a double life hidden from me (re: bikers)-- it was background and not in my face.  I knew she had a 'garden', but she assured me that was personal, a hobby, a small co-op (she lied).  This abuser was charged with abusing a minor from another city near by, but he was living with her and her daughter. . . daughter showed signs of interference.  Protocal, CAS came and investigated her-- so what's happened was a lot of suspicion.  There were a lot of things that became sick.  What started as what I thought was just a healthy exploration of 'spirituality', had darker undertones, and it her and her partner seemed to co-create a shared psychosis (narcissistic PDs), and in many instances it looked like the boundaries were blurred between healthy sexuality and unhealthy and I had fears for her daughter's safety.  My friend knew it, became more defensive, responded to me, a genuine concern with threats "how do I know you're not a narc".  She was scheming and manipulative, and lying.  The course of waiting two years for trial, the tensions, the distrust. . . it was traumatic.  After that subtle threat on my life, I avoided her completely, wrote her off-- it was a significant boundary crossing, the final straw (as if the other stuff wasn't a boundary crossing and I was trying to keep watch over her child. . .).  Nothing I know is court worthy, so there was no risk re: confidentiality, just intense suspicions and using tools of correlations re: behaviours, I'd say the risks were high harm did come to that child.  Mentally and emotionally painful and the system failed to protect and it happens all the time.  I still feel a contained rage about it and grief.  After a year, of staying a way, and coming back from an awsome canoe trip-- one month long-- and PTSD symptom free, I felt renewed and hopeful and inspired.  But my brother's car needed work, and we used my friends' mechanic (cause he did good work), and I didn't think it'd make a difference that I was no longer friends with that woman, business is business.  
They held the car over night and we returned.  The closed all the doors of the garage.  One guy is telling me in a threatening tone that I should talk to my friend, and raised issues about me talking in counselling (which I didn't even have counsellor, still searching).  Oh and in the office where the leather jackets are hanging, fully-patched (biker-- hadn't seen that before), maybe I had suspected it, but it never seemed that relevant to me, I had nothing to do with any of that.  One guy pulls me aside to look at the car, he flashed me a handful of silver bullets, he acted quirky, he was quirky (maybe-coked up, probably), and he told me that if I went over to see my friend (as the other one had been urging us to), that _I'd be killed, she'd be killed, or she'd be killed and I'd be set up for it_  Along with other passive-aggressive threatening, e.g. with the pressure wash, and all the doors closed in the garage (no escape).

I don't know if that guy was just all into biker-world, or was reacting because knowing I'm not into that, uncomfortable about it (and my friend likely told him the same things-- the other guy there was her neighbour for a while and connected with an obvious shady busness re: supplies for "growing tomatoes". . . and the guy who directly threated me also spent a lot of time with my ex-friend). 

So the ex-friend, probably had some guilt (herself, being an incest survivor), re: her BF's charges of sexual assault fo a minor (under the age of 16), triggering her own trauma; while there's also a possiblity both of them were involved in abusing her own child. . . (because she showed signs of interference, that are not normal for a child of that age), plus she had been lying to me about the degree of involvement, re: grow-op and setting them up (her BF had one as well, on some property he had, details I learnt later, pieced it together) (I could put it together, highschool, biker parties, and I remember one of them from back then-- but I wasn't a part of that 'scene', just a party-- it just had nothing to do with me, going to see my friend-- they weren't around, until after she threatened me, then she invited me over, and it happened that her crop was being transfered).

Anyway, the situation was highly triggering of several of my past traumas (guns, suicide [her BF threatening it, while trying to keep him alive for trial, and with the false belief that truth is found in a court room]; anger I have a bout child abuse; betrayal in trusting a friend to not be an abuser of a child or others; betrayal by the lies and this secret life-- because I didn't want to be close to any of that, so she just lied and kept it hidden).  I told her to kick him out, she did, but she kept bringing him back.  There were all sorts of bizarre pscyhodynamics going on-- stuff that pscyh ER, psychiatrists get-- their medical model, not about the context, nor about trauma.

I was so clear and symptom free from the one month canoe trip, so relaxed.  I got lots of exercise, good routines from just being in the outdoors and following it naturally, day to night.  In love with all the surroundings and wildlife, and the safety of no humans (aside from my brother who I trust completely-- my survivor buddy, good person, nothing nasty), but coming back to that-- the day after the month of blissful peace and symptom-free and new hope and re-vitalization.  To the horror of that ugly past, and my boundaries hadn't even re-adjusted to city life, and I'm dropped a really horrible mind-bomb and it made me fearful for my life.

From a biker perspective, they also have ways of dealing with sexual abusers of children (they are killed, biker justice, unless they've branched out in to child porn. . .); they don't want the heat of investigations that can bring their stuff to light (both the ex-friend and her BF had grow-ops).  I think my ex-friend spewed all sorts of hatred towards me, and it caught on contageously and these guys decided they'd do something about it.  I knew the one guy better, but the other I knew less (and he's the one who was threatening my life and others and putting that on me).

Going to the hospital and it was a nightmare because they didnt' believe and I was afraid to share details at that time and afraid of what processes could be started and make things worse, legally and if that risks lives-- I didn't have a chance to sort it out, and I don't think I was able to because I was terrified and combined with the feelings of horror from before. . . The tried to diagnose me with a mood disorder-- nothing irregular on my brain scans, then the settled on "depression with acute psychosis" and I asked for a secondary dx, and was given "complex PTSD" (it was written into the report but with quotation marks).  It was infuriating that they didn't believe me and I had also hoped to get some help, what can I do, how can I get help to help that daughter-- fearful because of the guns and crime activity enclosing that situation.  I did drive myself psychotic trying to think of ways to bring help.  Stupid, the bio-father, CAS, courts.  Anyway, I don't trust hospitals with my PTSD.

But who knows, maybe it was part of experiementing with meds, call me psychotic, and now it's understood that those new class antipsychotics are helpful for treating PTSD and they've been replace Clonazepams (which are known to be addiction and cause other problems).  Hopsitals are funded by pharma companies, their doctors recieving pfizer awards. . .

There's a lot more to it, and the spookiness-- it wasn't healthy pagan, native-spirituality, it was darker, cruel, obsession with sexual energies-- I'd just kind of be shocked at the bizarre behaviours I witnessed (this doesn't look healthy). 

What helped me make some sense of these complicated dynamics was Pat Carnes' book The Betrayal Bonds, it helped explain this unhealthy bond of my friend to an abuser.  The Karpman Triangle, rescuer, perpetrator, victim-- and how chaotic that can be among enmeshed trauma survivors, who aren't getting treatment and the treatment is difficult to get. . .  Trauma splitting, the degrees of splitting in my friend,a totally different person by phone, a completely different person with the person she was sharing a psychosis with (black magic, game playing), sexual addictions. . . it had elements of having been exposed vicariously to cult abuse-- sick thinking, and to raise concerns, I was considered too "Victorian" repressed, so there thing was to be out with it and every where, meanwhile there's a child stuck in the dynamic, while the 'parents' are behaving bizarrely.  However my friend had another side of being a very conscientious parent, and good with a lot of things. . . I think maybe she had some DID, and/or the abuser she was with was deliberately manipulating it.  I contacted the mother of the daughter who laid the charges on him-- she worked with cult survivors, and spent a lot of time with this abuser, and he knew exactly what he was doing.  And I remember hearing stories third hand, about those people bannning my friend and her BF from the sweat-lodge because they were twisted up with the obsession re: sexual energies, etc.

I guess I can still tie this in to a discussion about "complex PTSD", I think Complex PTSD involves serious relationship abuses, and that can affect a person so wholly, so many aspects and systems.  When there's been multiple traumatization occuring across ages. . .and patterns of re-victimization. . . I'm just not sure a single PTSD diagnosis is appropriate as how does that affect down the line access to appropriate treatment.  I'm not really sure, and I think I'd get my head spinning more trying to figure out all the distinctions, and I can't really be objective either.

I've just seen some horror out there,  I've experienced things first hand, an outer systems failure, isolation, marginalized (and how dangerous a world it can be for the marginalized) and what I saw of this other situation, observing untreated PTSD and how damn painful it is, it affects more than just one life, it affects families and communities.

Having a poor response, re: treatment needs.  I didn't get the help I needed from the hospital, nor the legal system-- it was entirely beyond my control, but it hurt a lot.  I still feared for my life, and I had to lie to get out of the hospital about that fact (cause I got formed, and it became 2 weeks, and I wanted out-- frustrating that no-one listened to me-- so here I am I write lots, that's one way to cope with it, and at least give myself the space to sort through it, but not do that too much, not to over-spin or cause flood, light exposure going back to it).  

All that happened, and most people at the hospital at that time were not able to get follow-up because there's a shortage of psychiatrists.  At that time though, one of my referrals (I guess it had been a couple of years waiting. . .?) did finally come through.  The Doctor I believe was possibly competent, but he was constrained by a super-high caseload-- 30 patients a day, means 5 minutes for me, once/month then once/3 months.  The discharge plan recommendation was for me to get pscyhotherapy.  I asked this new psychiatrist if he was trained and qualified to do this, he said "oh yes", we'll call him Dr. B.  I asked him about the psychotherapy again, six months into it, and I guess I just filled in the answer, "I guess we're just waiting for me to be medically stablized. . .?", a year later I ask again, "so what about the psychotherapy", then he finally told me the truth "Oh, no time for psychotherapy, I see thirty patients a day"-- and I felt really betrayed, like why couldn't there be honesty upfront and I could have been looking for psychotherapy help in the meantime.  I know that he had the quietude, to listen closely and observe, the ability to be present, and he made a comment about my mask, and years later I undertood that more-- I beleive he was perceptive and capable, but no time.  But what the appointments were in actuality, I had to sum up a month or 3 months into a couple of minutes. . . and he had the script pad out, if I say "anxiety" okay, new script for Rivotril/Clonazepam. . .

Really alientating.  So I was angry that he wasn't upfront with me, and so I went searching for another psychiatrist, and I thought I'd do that on my own and see if I could just bypass the GP, who will only do one referral at a time.  I found Dr. K, who didn't require me to go through the GP and could accept me that week.  My research showed he had what I thought was a minor infraction on his record, a boundary violation of giving money to a client for school, and that he had been ordered to counselling and that he had PTSD.  So, I thought well maybe he'll know about how to treat PTSD, and that he's being supervised that would also be great (woops, the supervision must have ended by that time. . . ).

He was operating out of an apartment that he rented for an office.  I knew that was freaky for me, but I'm telling myself to keep it together, yes I'm aware that that is triggering for me, there's no nurse even there.  I kept my long coat on at all times.  I refused to lie down on the couch (it made angry).  First inteview, was I married. . . I said no, . . . "was I gay" I said no-- then he says, "oh good, you're not one of those"-- and that bothered me, what if I was and was still in the closet and I do know gay people go through a super hard journey (I knew that from outreach, and from listening).  I let it slide, he's an old man.  

From the 2005 hopsitalization, and no help, I had to find a way to self-advocate among bikers.  Cops wouldn't be able to help, I didn't want to aggrevate anything, but I didn't like being singled out and I wasn't sure if I was a target of that whole group or if it was just this one guy, or what.  I ran into an old friend at a concert I knew from highschool, and I knew would be connected. . . I felt really relieved to meet one of the old crowd who knew me, who knew I wasn't a threat, knew my character-- he said he was clean, but he wasn't really, he was trying, and he was supposed to get treatment.  But he was in trouble, pretty big trouble.  But I met some people who called me "family" and that was a comfort for me at that time.  I didn't bring anything up, I just wanted to be known and that I'm not a threat, not a narc, I don't want to hear anything, I'm leaving the room.  But he relapsed, had a do not recussiate order on his file, he OD'd (he had been basically living with me, and I didn't allow drugs in my place), got a call from where he was at-- told them to call 911, call me back, I called his mom to let her know we may need to get to the hospital, something's up with her son, ambulance, I answered questions with them, he was DOA, and it was a disturbing site, head injuries, don't need to go into details.

Yeah, so back to Dr. K, he was helpful a bit at the beginning, as I was sorting through some of that grief and confusion and I heard his stories of Uganda, he flipped on me about my ex's illness-- he got triggered I guess, told me to keep the coffee cup. . . he started getting wierd, by summertime and I was biking to appointments, but I always carried a cover-up sweater, long exercise pants.  It's hard to remember I hit a blank.  I can't recall right now, I know I know the story, I've written it before-- I guess my consciousness is telling me to stop right now-- I get that, I can't access it.  It's a problem when I'm writing out history.

I'm doing better, trying to integrate, tell the story without suffering and getting stuck in flashbacks and stuff.  It's a process.  I hit walls in my head.  Red flags, I got it, he was saying things like "it's okay to date a client, you know after therapy has been terminated, like one month"-- made me cringe and feel angry in response.  He had also said some inappropriate things, sexual objectification-- like my underwear is none of his business.  I wrote to an online group about it, to get some perspective, so I decided I would try and be very clear about my boundaries, "don't go there, that makes me feel really angry, In fact I feel rage" (when I did street outreach, I blew the whistle on inappropriate behaviours, reports from clients-- I confronted directly. . . yeah, I'm sick of and very angry about that stuff).  He behaved the next week, but the week following he brings it up again.  Anger.  I do more research, and I learn a lot more details about his previous transgressions re: female patients.  I told him off in an email, suggested that he should not see female clients, that he's obviously still very sick and has not been cured.  The guy had defrauded OHIP of $30K, he bought a sports car, took a former client for a spin, invited her up to his friends cottage for a weekend (minus the friends, on loan). . . creep, and he's allowed to still practice and is not being supervised (at the ORCC when I talked about it, settled on an anonymous report, so should others report him, I could be supoenaed-- but there's another issue, I'm trying to stabilize, I don't have long-term support, all short-term, hit and miss, and could I handle that stuff alone. . .?)  I think I can handle it now.  I'm getting stronger.

It would be safer to get PTSD help if it was offered through the hospitals or a clinic where people are trained in it and are supervised (by colleagues for transference counter-transference issues, self-care, etc.)

It's just been really hard.  PTSD in families, chances are the family may not be that strong either, to help advocate.  I don't have strong family ties, except for my younger brother who is an awsome human being, doesn't have the fight in him re: the system, because he spared himself the stress, gave up and just focussed on Buddhism-- and we worked together on the inner things and got through it.  But I contain my stuff use online as an outlet.  Right now my brother is functioning, so I'm not bringing my stuff up, I'm in a supporter role for what he deals with at work, I put my stuff aside.  We both have our own strengths, some of my fight is good for him, and some of his wisdom is good for me.

I'm just expressing some grief, because that's what it has been in trying to work through the system that's been difficult for me.  I have to make more adjustments in myself, be wary of my hypervigilance and fears of catastrophic harm coming to others.  Even with that daughter, I have to have faith that she is strong too, that she's got strengths and she knows how to survive, and hopefully if there are problems later on down the road, she can help.  But I couldn't see it that way either, at the time, because I was stressed about getting help and lacking in hope and faith as a result, but finding some thin thread within, to keep hanging on.  Finally having a social worker with at least some skill re: PTSD and she's able to observe well and attend and be present.  It's just a sick world at times, even when I've ventured into volunteer work, and all the things I've tried to do to move foreward, setbacks, I guess everyone has them.

But shifting my perspective into that of a helper and looking at my journey, I'd be really upset for others if they had to deal with the same stuff.  I think our society, the political landscapes, has gone further away from the principles of "fair society".  There's lots of fears, national debt, etc.  I have to accept the world as it is.

Anyway, letting this go.  Because more of my energy is needed to pick myself up.  Someone told me about the past "it's okay to look back, but don't stare"-- that's good advice, and I don't need to be staring back at that stuff.  I'm expressing because I'm probably not alone re: PTSD, access to treatment challenges, difficulty re: case management-- there's just so many cracks and people do fall through them.  I am super lucky my current GP went to bat for me to help me get into the Melrose clinic, made an exception so I could have decent medical care, someone competent to monitor my meds when they need adjustment, the option for an female intern re: physical examinations and acess to a social worker who is at least knowledgeable re: PTSD skills teaching.

I think I've figured out most of the psychodyamic stuff, so I just have to get strong to not fall back into patterned tendencies, don't over rescue, it's not my responsiblity, my dad's sucide was not my fault and I don't even have to be angry at others from the family either because of what he did.  I've been in his shoes partially, and I don't have his arrogant pride, nor addiction to substances problem and I'm not abusive, I consider others, but at the same time, I need to put myself first and really start caring and nurturing myself back up to health and functionality, small steps, each day, make goals follow-though.  I've got to protect myself from bigger T traumas-- and honestly I can't let my guard down for a second.  Insane-- I let a person in here that I met through volunteer work, noticed he was an artist and I was giving him some of my old paints that I don't use-- I said to wait downstairs, I'll come down to meet, but he came to my door, and I let him and that was a mistake too.  And I told him to back off and get control, he said okay, but then he went ahead anyway -- I need to call upon my inner btch, and use that more often, because my self-protection is important to me and to not worry about hurting others feelings particularily when they are not respecting my basic boundaries, my physical boundaries.  I have a Protector side and I need to build that and remember that I can call upon that at any time, the situation warrants it, and I can do that even if I'm not 100% because my safety is important to me-- and this bigger T traumas and being victimized by people who don't respect basic human rights-- and there's enough of them out there-- can't let my guard down for a second.

It's a dangerous world out there, more for those who are marginalized, or for those who are caring even, cause there's lots of takers and lots of exploiters.  I was out of balance by being over caring and under protecting and I know that was also a learnt role and how I tried to protect and take care of my brother as child while things were insane at home.  To try to "Be the Change, I want to see in the world" without consideration of the real dangers, it is a problem.  Trusting myself, and respecting myself to be capable of making judgements and decisions to keep myself safe, and I don't have to worry about it being hurtful to others, they'll get over it, or can debrief when I am physically safe, not in a place where anyone can harm me.  I know I became out of balance in the relationship of self to others, and it's linked to trauma guilt, survivor guilt, and it twisted me up, my personality-- even though ideally in an ideal world where everyone is respected equally, their rights are respected equally, I would have been a good fit, but the world as it is. . . just can't count on it.  The abuse is not confined to my past, family of origin, the elements and risks do exist out there, so it's sensible to play safe, protect oneself.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 21, 2011)

Thread split from http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/25443-ptsd-vs-complex-ptsd.html


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## Justaday (Jan 21, 2011)

I think it just helped for me to get that out.  Now I can put it away for a while.  It was traumatic, being vulnerable and in a bad spot, and so hard trying to get help, and closed doors, and blaming myself that it must be me for not trying hard enough. . . not my fault.  I have done the best that I could have.

There's also Mental Health Program, it's funding that's been allocated to Catholic Family Services (Olmstead) and to Family Services of Ottawa (Parkdale) which funds counsellors, psychologists (potentially more experienced re: treatment of PTSD, vs a lot of OHIP covered psychiatrists)-- I did hear back from FSO, but by that time I did find my current social worker, it had been about 2 years on that waitlist, CFS, I didn't hear back from so that's probably close to five years wait.

Homewood, it will be 3 years in April, since I've been waiting to try to get into their Trauma Recovery Program.  They talk about services been tough for addicts and rehab, look how it is for PTSD, trauma survivors.  One year wait for emergency post-rape crisis counselling. . . emergency, waiting an entire year. . .


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## CashmereCactus (Jul 29, 2011)

Dr. Baxter, 

Could you be so kind as to give an overview of where things stand vis-a-vis the treatment of C-PTSD in Ottawa? Like a few others I have been refused at the ROH. Am I correct in assuming that since Dr. Fraser decided to specialize in PTSD within the military population, a gap now exists in terms of specialists in that field? It strikes me a somewhat immoral that the mechanisms are always in place to deal with epidemics of a physical nature yet sorely lacking when it comes to the brain, which at last glance was still part of the body... 

How are specialists determined in Ontario? By that I refer to the government deciding which are in high demand therefore funded. ie Dermatologists in Ottawa. 

As someone who has been mis-diagnosed for over 30 years, I find not being able to access treatment particularly unacceptable. I have come to the conclusion that in order for my life to move forward, I will have to leave Ottawa. I believe I may have a better chance at getting assistance in Montr?al. Are you aware of what treatment opportunities might be available there? I have read the fantastic book _The Haunted Self_ by Onno Van der Haart, and could see the light at the end of the tunnel for me if that three-pronged therapy were available. I am prepared to go anywhere to get help- I only have so many years left! I would willingly be a research subject if it meant ridding others of this psychological albatross!! Thank you in advance for your input. 

cashmerecactus


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 29, 2011)

Welcome to the sad world of mismanaged health care funding and disappearing resources in Ontario. 

It is really difficult to determine those that still exist from year to year, and sometimes month to m,onth. I understand that Dr. Fraser has retired from the Anxiety and Trauma Clinic and I don't know who has taken his place.

There are some psychologists in private practice who specialize in PTSD. Have a look at Trauma including Abuse : Mental Health Directory : Ottawa-Carleton and the Ottawa Academy of Psychology.


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## Justaday (Jul 31, 2011)

@ cashmerecactus, 
Trying to get PTSD-help in Ottawa is really piecemeal and really hard if you are low-income, or have become disabled by it and don’t have private health insurance nor any other financial assistance.

*It’s best to get yourself on as many waitlists as possible, take action.*
Some places, you can pick up some coping skills that can help recovery. 

Moving out-of-province can cause complications, depending on how long you have to be in-province to be able to access their health care coverage (e.g. in BC, have to be there for a year, before you can access their health care. . . Then tack on what waitlists are for help in that province. . .). I’d research that first.

A lot of the “trauma mental health resources”-- were discriminating against me-- I didn’t qualify by age; First Nations/status Indian; ethnicity, nor having a co-existing substance addiction . I felt I’ve fallen between the cracks (again).

One thing to consider, if you can scrape up enough cash-- even to be able to cover a couple of sessions with a person specially trained in PTSD-- to learn how to do the coping with PTSD symptoms that aren’t covered by generic counsellors, e.g. flashback management-- would be worth it. I felt so panicked because I was living off of savings and I was afraid that ODSP wouldn’t cover my disability, but it did (mine’s very well documented through years). But try to get some back up counselling, because even the generic counsellors can help with the other associated symptoms, re: anxiety, panic, depression, grief, anger, relationships and coping skills for that stuff can assist recovery. Me, flashback management was #1 need of help and was not easy to find help for that (and I discovered this after the fact, of finally having found some one who had some training re: treating PTSD). My head is a lot clearer, more organized because that was the #1 symptom, causing a lot of the other problems and most debilitation.

I'll share with you some resources I've found, they can be hard to access because of waitlists, but some are easier to access. . . it's taken some digging, research, collecting tips from others, etc. I'm not in crisis anymore, and so I also have some more hindsight and I'll share a bit of that as wel


---------- Post added at 02:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:28 PM ----------

A couple of other websites, that have directories for trauma-trained specialists:

www.isst-d.org
www.sidran.org

Both have “help desks” and an extensive data base (they’re based in the states, but I was surprised at what they were able to find for here). I emailed them (writing is easier for me, then I know I’ve said all that I needed to say about the situation, vs. risk of blanking out on the other side of phone line). I was surprised at what they were able to come up with for the Ottawa Area. Problem for me though ,still, no $. Can try begging, or see if any of them do have a ‘sliding fee scale’, geared to income and dependents. It’s hard to do when experiencing crisis and have to be prepared to handle disappointment (use crisis line, or hospital if necessary).

　
*Centre for Treatment for Childhood Sexual Abuse and Trauma *(MacLaren St. @ Elgin) http://centrefortreatment.com/ Student counsellor for $20./session ( about 5 years back), drawbacks, it’s short-term, about 4 months if get in on time-- call before September. . .usually they start late October, Christmas break, January till Spring Break. . . Exams. Good thing, it was an opportunity to learn one PTSD-useful coping skill and learn it well. . . I learnt, “Creative Visualization Technique”, meditation, safe-place. I find it’s good for cooling down hyper vigilance symptoms (if I remember to do it  Actually, I do remember often and it’s helpful, I have more awareness/mindfulness to build around that ). Regular experienced counsellors can cost upwards of $120/session. Can try begging (but it’s hard to do if in a crisis state and need to be prepared for disappointment). 

It’s short term. Now that I’m out of the crisis situation, I can see some use, to get a PTSD coping skill. I could have maybe gone back for another school year, to learn flashback management, new PTSD coping skill. Hindsight is 20/20. I struggled a lot re: external safety and that added more problems to recovery, judgement was off because of survival guilt. . .bad re-victimization, more big-T-traumas and some bad luck.

*Homewood (Guelph)
*http://www.homewood.org/healthcentre/main.php?tID=1&lID=3 (3 years +, still waiting. . ., but if you have *private health insurance*, could possibly get in, in 3-4 months-- waits might be longer because of returning Canadian Forces from Afghanistan. . .?). I did get my hands on some ‘intel‘, a copy of “Creating Safety” handouts-- some useful grounding exercises. It looks like a good, high quality program, in-patient, opportunity for intensive coping skills development, and others there to respond to symptoms as they occur-- it can really help re: integration*. I wish it was available to all in need of it, because I think it builds up the basics for PTSD recovery, re-stabilization skills and opportunity for assistance while experiencing a troubling symptom *making it a lot easier to learn, vs. trying to learn via books (no mirror, need a mirror, IME-- help from another to notice it, to help me notice it better on my own)

　
*Serenity Renewal for Families *(Baycrest Ave.) Some Really Great Workshops-- worth it, IMO/IME http://serenityrenewal.ca/drupal/?q=node/23
Family of Origin, addiction/alcoholism-- workshops are worth it, IME, get good bang for the buck (about $50. Each). I took a Family of Origin workshop and it helped me accept the relationship with mother, as is. It helped me to stop re-victimizing myself by helping me become more realistic about it and accept it. It was good relief. Good stuff, helpful skills re: anger, coping with grief. . . Etc. I think I’d like to try the grief workshop.

I talked with Sister Louise and I liked her, she’s really straight-forward, ‘tell it like it is’ kind of gal J -- it was humbling in a good way.  She had recommended the Family Program up at Elliot Lake (Camilus Centre), I set things up all ready to go, but duh psychiatrist, just wouldn’t do the paper-work-- a simple “consent to release information” (probably because he wasn‘t keeping records, just winging it. . .)-- he kept “forgetting”-- not once, not twice-- 3 times, then the window of opportunity closed and the program was subsequently cancelled due to cutbacksL I think it would have helped me a lot, re: protecting myself better. But whatever, that program doesn’t exist anymore.
*
Family Services Ottawa (Parkdale) *http://www.familyservicesottawa.org/english/mental_health.html
“The Mental Health Program is available to persons living in the Province of Ontario. There are no fees for this service. This program is funded by the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care for the provision of counselling services to persons living with acute or chronic mental illness. Our Intake Worker will discuss our program services with you to see if the services we offer would be appropriate to your situation. “ 

I think there’s good promise in this service, if you can access it, not sure how long current waitlists are though. I think there’d be a good chance of finding competent help re: PTSD, C-PTSD and at the very least, support for other related conditions, re: anxiety, depression, interpersonal/relationship, grief, emotional resilience

I waited 2 years and I did get a call back (I got on the waitlist early when program just opened up), but Melrose Clinic referral came through-- a few came through all at once, within months of each other, re: an intake appointment, was a surprise. This is fairly recent, past 3 years since this program and the funding for it was introduced, so yes, some relief. 

FSO Workshops: http://www.familyservicesottawa.org/english/events.html#workshops_mh
Sometimes there are free ones, have to keep checking back. Sometimes there are also subsidies for them (sliding fee scale, pay what you can afford. . .?). 
*　

Catholic Family Services of Ottawa *(Olmstead, Vanier) http://www.cfsottawa.ca/en/program-and-services/counseling
I thought they used to have funding via government, like FSO, at the same time, but I guess maybe that was only for a brief window of time? *However, they do offer sliding fee-scale *(based on your annual family income and the number of dependents). I think they’re probably good too, I had a friend who went in for relationship counselling, but this was several years back, and she reports it was really good (and they got married J )
*
Jewish Family Services *http://www.jfsottawa.com/counselling/coun_index.html
Not sure about costs. . .? I tried this one, didn’t get a call/email back-- they serve beyond the Jewish community, at least re: some workshops, but I’m not sure if that includes individual counselling?
　
*
St. Paul University: Centre for Counselling (*233 Main Street-- across the street from Singing Pebble Books-- good bookstore, IMO, some selection of self-help, trauma-recovery books. Mother Tongue Books on Bank Street also has some selection on trauma-recovery books, that may not normally be found at, e.g. Chapters) http://www.ustpaul.ca/index.php?m=120&page=360

Professional fees are below average and are negotiable, depending on the client’s situation. I took a “conflict resolution course” via a visiting instructor from SPU-- he was excellent, solid good character (I had trouble with role-plays though, triggering L -- still his course, was comfort, one of the few at the time, when PTSD hit me hard, onset of it). Also, Martin Rovers, from Serenity Renewal, I believe was/is a prof there. The SR day-workshop he facilitated was excellent, IMO, I got a lot out of it, an important life-transforming piece/peace . This is also student-helpers, supervised by professor.
*
University of Ottawa, Centre for Psychological Services*: http://www.socialsciences.uottawa.ca/psy/eng/cps.asp
Last I tried, fee was $60/session-- I think? What was difficult for me, was re: agreement to being filmed (used for teaching purposes for other students), since I had some real safety issues. Looking back, possibly I could have negotiated with them re: those instances where it’s important not to film. . Re: discussion of a particular trauma. . . It was just hard for me to cope with that at the time, when I was in crisis, and feeling a lot intense fear (due to real threats). On ODSP I can’t afford this now (I blew all my savings, I could have saved some more and still been able to access ODSP, but I didn’t know that. . .some new changes came in which can make it easier for others now)

I don’t know what the current situation is re: costs or filming-- would have to check in with them-- I don‘t see it mentioned on the website, maybe things have changed? Also, you never know, it may be possible to negotiate rates/costs, worth a try?

*The Ottawa Trauma and Anxiety Clinic *(Billings Bridge Mall, upper level) 
I’d been stalking (politely, not psychotically  ) these people for years, to no avail. I’ve begged, I’ve written emails, I phoned yearly, I approached the receptionist. . .ridiculously long-waitlists-- which I should have got in by now, but whatever (hmm, since 2004. . .) I stopped short of interrupting their lunch breaks (I grocery shop there-- that would be problem stalking, lol  ). They just stopped having a waitlist, because it was too long. 

But that’s for *OHIP-covered psychiatrists*, not the psychologists (which would need big $ or some private health care coverage). I’ve heard great things about *Dr. Joy Albuquerque *(psychologist) and she was recommended for me, but I can’t afford it and she only works part time (which, good for her, she’s taking care of herself), and I don’t think she’s accepting new clients (but you never now, till you check for yourself). You can try begging, I didn’t get anywhere, if there’s no space, there’s no space, but you never till you try yourself-- I find timing is everything, luck . .. 
　

*Community Health Centres:
*Can watch them, check in on them frequently, sometimes there are workshops offered, and you can access a social worker and they could help connect you to services, *they can make referrals for help*. . . Some counselling available at some sites.

It’s not psychotherapy, but some social workers are skilled in counselling (listening, attending to symptom challenges, teaching coping skills). . . _Others though, are better at making referrals to help_. . . Good to go through them, and at least their keeping statistics (which can show government PTSD people need more help). They might also be up-to-date on current resources for help, new workshops, so it's worth it. A lot of CHCs have drop-in, crisis counselling available.

Check the CHC Websites on this List: http://communitysupportottawa.ca/english/links/?c=8
　
*
Centretown Community Health Centre 420 Cooper Street
*http://centretownchc.org/en/programs-and-services/counselling-and-wellness-programs/counselling.aspx
*
Sommerset-West Community Health Centre (Eccles Street)
*http://www.swchc.on.ca/programs-social-services.php
*
Carlington Community Health Centre *(900 Merivale Road, near Carling/ROH)
http://carlington.ochc.org/carlington/Default.aspx?tabid=109&language=en-CA

I did go in and talk to a crisis intake worker there and *I* felt more comfortable about them (the Melrose Clinic referral came through for me though), I felt confident in what I saw of them that they could handle PTSD stuff. I had checked out other Community Health Centres, some I didn’t feel comfortable, didn’t get a feeling they could understand PTSD stuff/issues. Also the MBSR program runs from here. . . It was offered at other CHC’s but looks like it was de-funded or something? 

That’s the thing, you never know what pops and what disappears, you have check back regularly, just go through the list, monthly. Some of the social workers move around a bit between CHCs, and best to trust your own intuition, your own feeling, take a plunge and try it out for a few sessions. This wasn’t always available, re: free counselling for low-income, via CHC-- without high costs-- years back, again $60./session-- and I was living off of savings, so that was really stressful-- life is easier that I was able to get on ODSP, so it’s a lot less stress (re: homelessness), and more energy to just focus on getting well and back up again. Poverty doesn’t bother me as long as I have reasonably safe shelter and food. 

*South-East Ottawa Community Health Centre *(1355 Bank Street)http://www.seochc.on.ca/english/services/counselling.html 
*Canadian* *Mental Health Association *is also in this building, if you ever happen to be facing homelessness (and mental illness), that’s their mandate. I popped in there once and I felt comfortable, felt safe, understood (family member was mentally ill [trauma] facing homelessness, but I could also talk about my situation, and I felt safe and supported).

*Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (Check on local Community Health Centres for free classes for low-income)*: *http://ottawamindfulness.ca/Programs/English/tabid/208/Default.aspx

My opinion, IME: I think this can build a really good foundation for PTSD-healing.

Also in my opinion/experience of it, MBSR is very a good foundation to help re: coping with anxiety, depression, chronic pain or any uncomfortable feeling states, thoughts, etc. 

Benefits for PTSD, IMO/IME: 
It helps reconnect to a sense of *safety* (which I had fallen out of connection with for years). IME, It works as a good bridge to being adaptable to applying “flashback management techniques“. 

The mindfulness training I’ve found makes it easier to attempt CBT on my own (helps in awareness when I need to stop processing and reground, breathe, and also to be able to settle and face things without ‘automatic avoidance‘, numbing). I know in the past, it was harder to apply CBT to myself-- it's better to attempt when physiology is calmed down, calmed down from flashback/trigger, and/or other trigger responses. 

I found through the practice, it can *slow things down *(including flashback, because of the mindfulness training) and has boosted my ability to detect flashbacks earlier on just before they happen (being aware of tensions in the body, heart, etc.), where I have a chance to intervene to prevent them and if not, catching it earlier and applying ‘flashback management technique“, I can avoid falling into disociative ego-states. I think it helps heal the brain and body, so that mind can think clearly enough

And it’s pleasant and empowering, positive focussed (vs. victim-focussed-- I was feeling victimized by my PTSD, the frustration of interruption in my life and functioning). 

It's based on the works by Jon Kabat Zinn, _Full Catastrophe Living_ 

I may post elsewhere the therapeutic value in recovery of the “7 attitudes”, it helps build resilience in recovery, IMO/IME. 

I took it via Carlington Community Health Centre with Rena LaFleur and I thought she was awesome. She’s also experienced with trauma/PTSD, does body-centred psychotherapy-- might be possible to access counselling from her via CCH-- if so, grab it. She could be one of the best options especially for PTSD.

I had a lot less worries re: if PTSD came up, because I felt secure enough that she’d be able to handle it (if I couldn't). Symptoms did come up, but through the practice, they didn’t overwhelm me-- and that was great discovering. I might have been carring some stress from the day and/or symptoms earlier, but the yoga and mediation helped the body to relax, and if if I experienced some "blips", images, they didn't overwhelm me and so it was obvious to anyone else.

I opted out of some role-plays because I know from previous experiences, those can be triggering for me (biggest fear, is breaking down in front of others, makes it hard for me to return to class. . .shame is hard, fear of altered dynamics, re: how others would see it, treat me. . .I‘m not able yet to get through that, yet. . . So I just accept that for now-- I've tried to settle it with CBT. . .). Rena let us know a head of time, what's involved in the role plays, so it was easier for me to decide for myself whether or not I felt I could handle it or not. Other experiences of role-play have freaked me out, caused flashback and dissociation and panic attacks, and I didn't have warning.

I thought she was a wonderful woman, and it was even calming to hear her calming voice. We also got CDs with the meditation practice and yoga instructions, so can continue the practice, even if it had slide, easier to restart it with that. I noticed a lot of change in frequency and intensity of PTSD and I know it's a good practice to keep up with (and I need to get back to doing it daily). I could catch flashback before it happens, preventing it from overwhelming me, causing dissociation, etc. Really good stuff, IME, good relief. I can handle the other stuff, grief, etc, knowing it passes, flashbacks though totally threw me off, one of the most debilitating symptom challenges for me, most loss of time and affecting everything else, suceptibility to stress, nightmares, general functioning, etc.


---------- Post added at 03:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:19 PM ----------

Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre *http://www.orcc.net/*
Can get free-counselling and also the group is good, if your needed to heal from that trauma. I focussed on one trauma. I had an emergency situation, fresh trauma, but it still took a year to get into “emergency crisis counselling”. . . Counsellor I saw missed a lot of time (migraines, and stuff), but she was supportive (helped also re: flexible options re: reporting re: a couple of situations-- one was a past psychiatrist, , , I wasn‘t forced to do anything, and they respected my timing and I could withhold names too, until I felt safer and I could discuss my confidentiality concerns ahead of time-- a lot less anxiety, really good support). 

The group was a good experience, runs for 6 weeks/once per week. Good group facilitators and something useful I learned there was breathing. If I talked about something and started to dissociate, flashback, the facilitators were able to pick up on that and remind me to breathe-- and this helped with some ‘integration’ of that coping technique, so that I even start to do that more automatically on my own when I needed to. They do good grounding exercises at the beginning of group. I found it helped me feel less like an alien, others having gone through similar experiences and I could identify with them, helped me become aware and more accepting of my own feelings through feeling empathy for others and respect for their resilience-- it was a meaningful experience. I just focussed on one of the traumas. . . There were others including random assault which sometimes makes it difficult for me to go out (agoraphobia), but not doing to badly with it, I’ve used some CBT on it, and I just plan my routes carefully. I take my neighbours dog out on walks that way he watches my back, while I have a chance to relax and benefit from the walking. . . The group experience made it easier for me to deal with the trauma a bit when it comes up from time to time, due to PTSD-flashbacks, or over-exhausted from PTSD-bout of symptoms, etc. 

There is also a helpful *Ottawa Rape Crisis line*, which I have called from time to time with traumas related to that get triggered and I’m having trouble with it, unstitching from it. I relized I can still use that support even if the event that’s troubling me, happened years ago.

I’ve also used the *Mental Health Crisis Line*, for various symptoms, including suicidal, but also just trying to get through a flashback, trying to unstuck. I’ve found the workers there also have very good training. It’s brief, 5 minutes, but sometimes that’s all it takes to get re-grounded. 

I’ve also phoned them when I know I’ll be facing something difficult (e.g. SO’s funeral and needed to be grounded for other family members), or other challenging situations I know are likely to trigger my trauma-- sometimes being prepared ahead of time, with a coping plan, should trauma stuff start coming up-- has given me the grounding I’ve needed to face those things, and often, they’ve help prevent PTSD-leakage in situations where it’s not appropriate, or dangerous to do so. . .

*Mental Health Crisis Line *http://www.crisisline.ca/home.htm
613-722-6914 
Toll free: 1-866-996-0991

ORCC mostly serves women. They can refer to resources for men (The Men's Project, is one place, again though not sure if they have anything free/affordable, or not-- it all depends on the funding. . .). In our group we also had a transgendered participant, who's self/gender-identification was woman, and I think it was a good fit for her (as woman as the rest of us  )


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## Dragonfly (Aug 1, 2011)

My goodness Justaday!  Your persistence and drive to advocate for yourself is amazing.  given all your experiences, I know that it would be easy (and probably tempting) to lash out at those who try to provide some modicum of care.  I know that when I get frustrated, sometimes it seems easier to spend my energy focussing on who and what is messing up - rather than finding solutions to the problem(s).  You've experienced so much - I wonder if it would be possible for you to condense your wisdom about finding mental health care into a list of 10 or so bullets - at "to do" list of sorts ....  If I was going to make such a list, it would start something like:

1)  Do call for an appt, but ask to be on a waiting list if someone cancels;
2)  Do focus on my own health / recovery - not the illness(s) of those I encounter;  etc.

Just wondering if others might be able to benefit from your experiences.

Please let me / us know how things are going.  All the best,


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## CashmereCactus (Aug 3, 2011)

Hello there! 
Well you certainly have done your homework, and I certainly do appreciate your due diligence! Do you know what struck me first as I read your list? Well actually two things struck simultaneously - first that I was not the only one falling through the cracks and second there are too many falling through this ever-widening crack.  Something has to be done. 

Imagine if you will, that this affliction was based elsewhere in the body. You can say with some degree of certainity that it would grab the attention of the public and those who control the money coffers. Now mind you, it took a politician's wife getting breast cancer for funding for a breast cancer screening centre and registry to both miraculously appear where funding had not been previously available and political will in short supply. (Not Ontario) 
So everything is an uphill battle. 
Having said that, we still need to try. Any stigma attached to either PTSD or C-PTSD is non-sensical. Both are related to short-term or long-term trauma (stemming from a multitude of sources) which the public has the capacity to understand. They easily understand the results of post-war issues. Now society needs a wake-up call when it comes to ineffective ( I use the term loosely) parenting. They are the ones paying the price when you consider they are colateral damage, innocent bystanders when they become involved with us, in various degrees. You would think it would be in their best interest to help us function at a higher level as much as it is immoral to let us languish in psychic hell for years on end. 
That hell comes about as a result of not being diagnosed, not wishing to change (a minority but a reality) or being misdiagnosed. I find the latter to be the worst case scenario. It adds on more psychological distress to the existing condition, which is immoral. So much for 'first do no harm'! But I don't know if they psychiatrists are entirely to blame. 
How many of you have experienced therapy where the therapist (any kind) has reached an incorrect conclusion regarding diagnosis and tries there damndest to make your behaviour fit? And of course everything could be further from the truth! 
Let me give an example of misinterpretation which I found to be quite harmful: I was accused of being OVERLY concerned with appearance. Well, I am French. I grew up in a family that all worked in the textile industry, clothing industry and I had two great grandfathers who where barbers! My own mother was a fashion consultant before they had them! 
There are rules to fashion and it is like any other craft that has to be learnt and fine-honed. It is not about what others think. And I dress for myself only. (Now iterestingly enough, I once had a roommate who was diagnosed as having BPD so I can make the comparison. The poor thing would spend at least an hour to get ready just to take the dog for a walk. She could not leave the house (literally) unless she was perfect. Then she hid under a baseball cap. The irony was that she was drop dead gorgeous and could have gone out in a leisure suit! It was clear her appearance was debilitating for her. Date nights meant entire afternoons in the bathroom of course... All this stemmed from one vicious and inaccurate comment from a jealous mother years prior.) 
That was just one example of many things that were wrongly attributed to myself. There were far more serious ones, the biggest one being what I need assitance with and that is ego-integration. I don't believe that is something that can be accomplished on its own nor should it be. My operating on two levels with some consistency was wrongly interpreted as delusional/visions of grandeur on my part rather than the shifting from ego states when triggered. (Had I the notion of being the leader of a nation, she may have had a valid point; I don't think a professor was inconsistent with my genetic make-up had I not lived the life I did...) People wonder why some leave therapy-the simple truth is it's frustratingly harmul. 
I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience, or of having intentions/ motivations completely misinterpreted. Please share if you like. 
I am at the point now that I rarely go out because I chose not to inflict myself on others. It only makes me feel worse and that's not helpful. Being in a self-imposed prison is not either. I am begining to wonder if there's a slippery slope between curmudgeonry and misanthropy...


----------



## Justaday (Aug 4, 2011)

> Hello there!
> Well you certainly have done your homework, and I certainly do appreciate your due diligence! Do you know what struck me first as I read your list? Well actually two things struck simultaneously - first that I was not the only one falling through the cracks and second there are too many falling through this ever-widening crack. Something has to be done.
> 
> Imagine if you will, that this affliction was based elsewhere in the body. You can say with some degree of certainity that it would grab the attention of the public and those who control the money coffers. Now mind you, it took a politician's wife getting breast cancer for funding for a breast cancer screening centre and registry to both miraculously appear where funding had not been previously available and political will in short supply. (Not Ontario)
> ...



It's not fair.  Just highlighted parts which ring true to my own feelings that I've experienced.  

I don't know if the public is that much more understanding of military-combat-related-trauma, either, only that for a change we're learnt more to appreciate their sacrfices and the toll on their families and member (I really don't know how much _*actual*_ understanding there is, beyond some 'jingoism', but regardless, the political will is there to support our returning CF and their families-- I've noticed NDP have been strong advocates, regardless of positions on the war).  

PTSD statistics are similar, about 8% in Military and 8% in general population.  Though re: the military about 70% are in administrative roles (e.g. Kandahar Base, some on edge obviously and contingencies as a result of being separated from their families, and transportation off base is risky, re: IED explosions and grief for fallen comrades), some risks re: base, but higher risks, e.g. "forward operating bases" because of direct exposures, injury, direct witnessing, etc.  Some stigma has changed within the military context re: acceptance of PTSD, some good professionalism.  Sometimes the training and good leadership, solid group cohesiveness can help some become resilient to PTSD, PTSS though is a given.  They also pre-screen a bit, which can lower PTSD risk, but PTSD happens in perfectly healthy individuals, just a matter of exposure and support, preparedness-- children don't have much, but we have biological means of adaptation, the ability to dissociate when trapped. 

Domestic abuse survivors, come from all kinds of backgrounds, so there's not one place for advocacy for that (vs. military)-- except that there are specilized groups concerning those more at risk vs. general populations, e.g. First Nations, immigrants from politically terrorizing countries.  I don't think that the hospitals here are taking PTSD stats, will call it something else (no consideration of context, pure medical model), maybe rates of depression and other anxiety disorders are much higher (30-40 or more of the general population).  

I've had to accept simply that the system is unfair.  It hurts too much to worry about it.  It is re-victimizing when we need help and can't get it.  

Stigmas, I get things like "that happened years ago, get over it", but the PTSD brings it back all fresh (re-living it, mind, body, brain) -- and that's not something that's understood, IME.  I contain my PTSD via writing, and phoning crisis line if it's really bad and I can't unstick.  Some of that experience has gradually helped with ego integration, because they do help bring me back to the present moment, so it builds a bridge that way.

I've also used on-line help, a "ptsd forum" and a "coping with dissociative identity disorder" (cause there's some overlap, difference is in degree of dissociation-- at some points in my journey under high stress, this has been more problematic a symptom).  The advantage of these forums for me was connecting to other individuals who do have access to help!  I could learn from them and have a safe space to discuss things and feeling understood.  All of us have experienced stigma, and having to cope with that.  Some interesting links re: Internal Family Systems (I'll have to find that, but it makes some sense too, re: PTSD reactions).

I tell myself to not allow the external circumstances (past, nor present) to define who I am, nor what my worth is.  There's bias (lack of understanding) and they haven't walked in my shoes.  I also tell myself to "believe in myself", and that "I will get through this" with or without help.  I try to notice blessings in life, I enjoy being out in nature, I try to give myself positive experiences because I need a lot of more those.  MBSR also helps with that-- it helps build resilience and some relief.



> That hell comes about as a result of not being diagnosed, not wishing to change (a minority but a reality) or being misdiagnosed. I find the latter to be the worst case scenario. It adds on more psychological distress to the existing condition, which is immoral. So much for 'first do no harm'! But I don't know if they psychiatrists are entirely to blame.
> How many of you have experienced therapy where the therapist (any kind) has reached an incorrect conclusion regarding diagnosis and tries there damndest to make your behaviour fit? And of course everything could be further from the truth!



I got right diagnosis, a consistent one (except hospitals operate differently, re: crisis and I'm a virtual stranger, so they just follow their 'model'), but I still struggled to find treatment.  I won't say it was all bad, except that they symtpoms which were causing the most debilitation in my life were not being treated, not taught coping skills.  I got some support, which makes it easier for me to face some of my stuff on my own.  That's simply because they recognized one of my traumas and it fit well with PTSD dx, along with other symptoms, but I'm really disappointed it stopped at that and no-one could teach me coping skills for PTSD.  It's lack of training which brought about lack of professional focus, I think.

My worst experience was in the hospital, I think the bias was severe there from what I experienced.  They respond by medicating and ignored the context which brought me there-- and that felt very frustrating, and was re-traumatizing.  However, it turns out the meds they gave me could help (but being over-medicated while not in a safe situation, is really not a good thing-- keep under-estimating my safety, till it becomes a much bigger problem to deal with e.g. getting away from a dangerous situation).  I survived.  I had to do some crazy things to survive that, some alternative advocacy (put myself at some further risk, but it worked out okay-- the alternative advocates were much more reasonable, despite what normal perceptions would be. . .1%, maybe some common ground to 8%. . . [mutual recognition on sublime, unconscious level, even-- I was treated well and I'm grateful for that, that was some luck even due to chance finding an old friend].   I just had to be really careful, because I didn't want to start trouble and I didn't want anyone to die, so I had to be very careful about what I said, told about-- I'd say I was pretty strong and very brave, and I kept my integrity as best I could-- there was no other way to get support from the "system"-- threat was directed at me, and also to others. . . it was complicated. . . shouldn't have stayed in a toxic situation, but I was concerned about protecting another person, vulnerable-- tensions escalted to death threats-- why having healthy boundaries are important [get out before it gets dangerous. . .live and learn] as well as a realistic sense of one's own limitations and powerlessness in society, when no back up, no support that's needed to handle complex situations-- I have no power over the decisions of others. . .  Pat Carnes book, The Betrayal Bonds helped me understand what was going on, trauma in this group, trauma reactions, being scapegoated. . . and the impact of this being a total trauma repetition and when analysed from different sides, it's truly bizarre, trauma repetition by all sides relative to their orginal traumas.  Freaky stuff.  The orignal traumas having been diagnosed, but again, poor treatment access, and  so it happens again. . .)   

I'm stronger now, gained some wisdom and I can protect myself way better.  I have to guard against my tendency for survivor guilt, as my brain/personality has been patterned that way.  What didn't kill me, did make me stronger!  Lucky.  I can look back and have some appreciation for the skills I did have, in which there was very high motivation to be focussed, be innovative, creative problem solving.  I still have to live with regret, results I didn't have control over   But I have to trust in the resiliency of others. . . and pray-- they might have to survive like I had to   Unfortunately, no access to trauma counsellors. . . they would have understood it.




> Let me give an example of misinterpretation which I found to be quite harmful: I was accused of being OVERLY concerned with appearance. Well, I am French. I grew up in a family that all worked in the textile industry, clothing industry and I had two great grandfathers who where barbers! My own mother was a fashion consultant before they had them!
> There are rules to fashion and it is like any other craft that has to be learnt and fine-honed. It is not about what others think. And I dress for myself only. (Now iterestingly enough, I once had a roommate who was diagnosed as having BPD so I can make the comparison. The poor thing would spend at least an hour to get ready just to take the dog for a walk. She could not leave the house (literally) unless she was perfect. Then she hid under a baseball cap. The irony was that she was drop dead gorgeous and could have gone out in a leisure suit! It was clear her appearance was debilitating for her. Date nights meant entire afternoons in the bathroom of course... All this stemmed from one vicious and inaccurate comment from a jealous mother years prior.)



Yep, can't seem to win at times with these "professionals".  At the other end, some encourage that very same self-care.  Have a healthy routine, hygiene, etc.


I wear my "war mask", try to put myself together. . . I don't want to be perceived as a 'victim', because my experience, more trouble can come my way (and it's also a fairly superficial society, generally, "first impressions", garbage).  But it's also not enough, more skills and discernment, remembering I have a right to protect myself, make decisions for myself, the right to keep myself safe #1.  I also try to balance it by dressing "modestly"-- but that too is not enough to keep oneself safe.

I saw one psychiatrist (a sexual perpetrator, not just IME).  I wore my long raincoat and kept it on for every session, but summer came around and I was cycling to get to appointments, but I always had a cover-up sweater, cover-up tank top, wore long pants, lose fitting enough to exercise in. . . and he starts making inappropirate comments, sexual objectification. . . (I got the hell away from that guy and I'm lucky I could check my perceptions via on-line support group-- it wasn't small stuff, he was escalting things. . . I gave him the benefit of the doubt a few times.  Then I addressed his conduct and told him it made me angry and to not do that with me (ager to the point of feeling rage).  He stopped the next week, but the following week he was back at it  He can't respect personal boundaries, let alone professional boundaries  (He's been reported, was disciplined because of past court case, involving a couple of his victims, but still allowed to practice.  No reputable clinic would take him in, so practicing through a rented apartment-- that he doesn't live at, but has a bed there. . . (I was already hypervigilant, re: protection, knowing it could be triggering for me. . . it's good, I kept my guard up and my protector-ego-state was on, and thank God, I didn't fall into a 4 year old ego state.  There he is, possibly still practicing, no conditions re: gender he's allowed to treat.  I emailed him re: my anger and suggested that he doesn't treat female clients. . . later on, a few years, at the women's centre I discussed what had happened, what he said. . . and they felt it was grounds for reporting. . . (again, long waits still to access help and I was traumatized by what I experienced. . . but it didn't escalate to physical, I got myself out before he could try that, I would have fought to defend myself, protector would have been there-- he's still stranger enough, I would have fought hard, as I have done re: other stranger assaults [others harder because of knowing the perpetrator  ])

It's hard when there is such a long waitlist re: GPs, psychiatrists. . . I got a tip from a trauma teacher, that it'd be good to try to get a female psychiatrist (and that was responding to the first psychiatrist I had. . .  when it was less obvious, but yeah, they can get into some sick "counter-transference', which can affect their will at helping a person get better, keep them dependent, not teach coping skills so that I could have more independence, more ability to manage disruptive PTSD symptoms).

Your example is interesting, it sounds like a theory-blinded professional, lack of judgement (like how healthy is that to criticize, with absolutely no point to make, I can't see anything constructive about that?  Just because we've been victimized, doesn't mean we have to look that way, and sometimes dressing with self-respect is one form of empowerment and certainly useful re: becoming employment-ready-- you are lucky you have those skills of putting yourself together, that's an advantage in this society.

It's one of those 'qualities' they try to attach to the BPD dx.  Strong correlation re: BPD and severe childhood abuse, including sexual abuse because that just messes a lot re: ability to trust others, relationship betrayal, adults were suppose to be safe people, not exploiting.  Also not understanding trauma-adaptations, some go to numbing and avoidance, while others go to needing the adrenaline, risk taking, or ego states that come out that were praised for being sexual-- sexual abuse is rotten abuse on so many dimensions and the damage to the psyche, and the splitting it causes.  It can sometimes also look like bi-polar, these trauma adaptations, needing adrenaline high or there can also be dual diagnoses, Bi-polar and PTSD, BPD, etc.  Just as with PTSD, there can also be diagnoses of one or both of depression and anxiety disorders. . . they're also talking about grief disorders, 'complicated grief'  Trauma in Childhood-- all kinds of things were going on, the surrounding family also is affected by the trauma (even if it's supposedly "unseen", as in childhood sexual abuse), victimization on so many levels.  I found the people at the Coping with Dissociative Identity Disorder online support group, are very understanding about these things, they're going through that grief too.  DID is often under-diagnosed, sometimes taking years till a correct diagnosis is made.  I highly doubt there are many here in Ottawa who accept this dx, it's grounds, they think it's therapist-created, maybe that happens, but it's not in all cases.  

I've seen DID in others.  One person I knew, when he switched, spoke an entirely different language, french in a younger age.  I just introduced myself to this 'alter' and my french is not good, so I just let him know he was safe, I'm a friend of [the main alter's name] and I got him to write down what was going on and I said I'd pass that on to the main alter.  The french he wrote was the level of a younger person's.  He speaks English normally.

My brother also had a troubling inner, whatever it was, a lot of discussion going on in his head. . . we worked through that together, and things are calm again, but this adaptation progressed from the earlier original trauma, and became more complex.  His dx didn't make much sense-- the psychiatrists in Ottawa are blind to it, prefer not to believe that at least it does genuinely happen to a few people out there with early childhood trauma.  I didn't know about DID till after the fact, but I cared so much for my brother, trying to understand this thing going on inside his head.  We reached some insights that made sense.  He recovered without meds, but it took some years (things he was holding back, ashamed about. . . etc., that were personal to him, that I didn't experience at that time).  He's not being troubled by it anymore.  He studied Buddhism and meditation on his own, which gave him detachment from it.  I helped draw what was going on, diagrams, and that helped to externalize it.  Meditation and mindfulness have worked really well.  Being able to accept what comes up, being able to not be drawn too far into it.  It was a complex inner system, but trippy it represented the whole family, both in their strength sides and their shadow sides-- I'm proud that the internalization of me, took his side, my shadow side attacked the outer system, not him. . .  Lucky I guess, our survival pulled us closer than apart, natural allies, safe people to one another, no abusive, non-exploitive.

When I looked at the Internal Family Systems Model (by Swartz), over time, I was aware of some splitting.  I have a 'gatekeeper', maybe a 10 year old, that co-exists with me, it's a place where memories before 10 were stored (I don't think they're separate identities, but fragmented, not accessible memory normally-- but I've even been able to retrieve happier memories,  and got happier flashback  ).  If I'm taking good care of myself and I'm safe, not in any outer dangerous situations, things are quiet internally.  There's another compenent, a 'firefighter', and it's a mechanism of numbing, this I think was a suicidal part, it used to take hold of me and I didn't know how to find my way back to the present moment, I'd go to sleep and hope it passes and often it did.  But through using the crisis line support, I think gradually helped me integrate that, so that I may experience those feelings from time to time, but I don't get stuck in a 'part', it's a dissociative space, it has completely immobilized me physically at times.  I have "Protector parts", ego states and I've become more aware of situations which trigger that.  There are some occaisions I don't remember what triggered a "flashback" (didn't have "co-consciousness"), but I care less as long as I'm able to find my way back to the present moment.  At one point it was helpful to do things that soothe the "inner child", colouring books, a softy-toy, some kid's stories-- and whatever, it helped calm, whatever the theory of it, it worked easier.  It also has come up in meditation, a child part during a day-retreat with "I'm hungry" and some impatience and I just speak soothingly on what we're doing, what this is about-- it's funny, it's a younger voice, but things have calmed down.  

There was a toxic situation (going on for about 4 months) which sent my head spiralling and seemed to puke up "parts" and that freaked me out and I stumbled across the Coping with Dissociative Identity Disorder online support group and I worked through some things there.  I have some features in common with DID, but not as extreme as others with it, I don't really have separate identities, but can have shifts in ego state that can last (and that only happens under highly threatening situations, not everyday situations).  That's happened e.g. during r-trauma and I've been able to recall shifting ego states, inner distress among parts and some inner dialgoue going on there).  I have experiences of dissociative states where I'm aware of it, but not able to intervene, some part of me is observing.  In dangerous situations, this has caused troubles.  

As a woman, it's not safe to be anywhere alone with a man, and that's product of our culture, they're thinking one way, we're thinking another way and they don't get it (conditioned to not consider consent, goal-orientated. . .-- you can say "no" declare your boundaries, but doesn't mean they'll listen or stop-- so even if one is self-empowered, it also depends on others respect.  Case is much worse for children, abuse by adults, but it can also be bad generally), so I don't take my chances, I have to distrust, protect from any opportunity anyone could abuse.  The world can be a fairly sick place, so I have to protect oneself (and not feel guilty about upsetting other's feelings-- which to a sociopath, that's just an act, shame, to get power over another. . . it's disgusting how manipulative some others can be), look after oneself cause no else is, would. . . it's a crime of opportunity, so I protect myself from anyone getting that opportunity, by controlling my time and space.  Children and non-traumatized adults are maybe luckier. . . I don't know, it's safer for me to not trust, and not give the benefit of the doubt to others and put myself and my safety #1.  I also know, the abuse experiences were not my fault, despite a society that likes to place blame on survivors, through lack of understanding of what's actually going on.  A child ego state might present and they think it's invitation when it's not, they don't get it, don't understand-- they're not looking to understand, and it's not very comprehensible to a lot of others, society is not very well educated.

Most things would run smoothly if the "golden rule" applied, but that only works when all are equally oriented that way, of respect for one another.  My experience, it's not something to take as for granted.  And reality is there are predators out there, more than our society would care to admit or are aware of.  Instead of being totally terrified, I accept the possibility of this and I prepare and plan my safety and I don't feel shame about it, it empowers me.  

I also accept that most people are self-centred, self-interested, in their own worlds, so I empower myself by not expecting much or pretty much anything.  This allows me to have some sense of serenity.  Abuse isn't confided to what was experienced in childhood, there's a lot of sick, damaged and dangerous people out there.  I've worked to self-educate re: recognizing risk factors and protecting myself.  A useful book, IME was Beverly Engel's The Emotionally Abused Woman.  

I've learnt an attitude of self-mothering and I've done that with my 'inner child' part(s), the collective or whatever it is.  I try to read relaxing reading (not too much PTSD-reading), relaxing/comforting movies.  I try to remember self-care.  Pedicures are soothing-- I can't afford them, but found cheap ways for this, auyervedic medicines, cheap supplies (e.g. castor oil).  I try to exercise more and eat healthily.  I don't have good self control over chocolate, so it has to be smaller quantities, lol.

I've learnt to turn compassion inward.  Accept what I do feel, not judging or criticing myself (though I had 'introjects' which did do this, but they don't have power over me).  Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction was an awesome experience, helped take self-compassion that much further, tune into pleasant experiences which can be found at any moment via the meditation/yoga exercises.  I have to plan my days, write out lists, check them.  Make simple goals, can't fix everything all at once.  I should socialize more, sometimes that's hard to do, so I settle on stopping by to visit others for a quick coffee.  Or go out doggy walking with others (or just the dog-- I'll borrow him  ).  Routines are something I do really struggle with.  There is an outpatent program at the hopsitals which can help for that.  I still have notes for it and need to re-apply it.  I've gone through a couple of weeks, processing grief, but accomplishing the goals of exercise and healthy diet, some laundry. . .  I have ability to anchor in present moment, so I think it's been more productive not so damaging.  The hard thing about not having help, is remembering how to keep focus, and what I should be focussing on.  

I took a break from my social worker. . . she was pushing employment, I got distracted (I get caught up in some environmentalism or other causes. . . then I burn myself out, and I'm learning I need to stop that and simplify more so I can get better-- lost causes are re-traumatizing, I still need better balance more positive experiences to build more of, to build resilkience to PTSD coming on-- finding balance).  She's really good and I have highest respect for her, some journey's are my own.  Plus I'm recoverying from phsyical injury, when I was hoping for employment that was physical (construction or something. . . work outside. . .).  My grief is mine and mine alone, so, I've been finding some opportunities of processing and letting go, tears not blocked and also mindful of it passing so not so overwhelmed-- I'm healing.  A mini-retreat at the moment, consolidating some things.

I should draw up a monthly plan, maybe model some of it based on what I learnt from a hospital out-patient program (and now that I do have skills for stabilizing flashbacks and more mindfulness), make my goals clear, schedule better to maximize my focus-- there was a good workshop on goals-setting, SMART goals and that is of practical use, just less useful when I couldn't stablize the PTSD symptoms.  I've mastered the changes I've need to make re: external safety, through some hard-learning, but need to consolidate my coping plans re: change in environment, transition to work.

I picked up an interesting book, I found at Value Village for $3.00 (easier for me than the library, re: late fees [embarrassed ], it's Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book, Gift from the Sea, women's reflection on roles and simplifying life.  It's relaxing reading and comforting, and I think what a great find and for me at this point in my life-- a purely by chance find-- sometimes that can happen, a bit of synchronicity.  Also, I was really stressed about $ my last dollars of the month (but still had enough food to last), I find this book, bought it and later on I discover that inside it was a $20. bill!-- American (so not worth that much  I hope things turn around for them).  One day, I will recycle some of my books, and if I'm better off, would be cool to put a bill into them, for someone else down the line.  It's nice to feel that luck can also change once in a while!  As I read it, it taps into a child level, re: seashells and the 'wonder', but also mediated by this very wise woman-- it's one of those things that soothes a few parts (younger and older).  I also liked e.g. Alexander McCall's books, e.g. Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency , it doesn't throw me into any trauma -spirals, and in the stories, they're always taking breaks and relaxing with some "red bush tea", and rational processes, not overly complex problem solving-- it gives me the opportunities to imagine sane and stable living, not the sort of intensity I was raised in.  I find these things can also be sources of inspiration.  Interesting woman, book was first published in 1955. . . and this edition happens to also be autographed by the author's daughter--but the sense of value comes from the soothing words within the covers.  It's like the author discovered "Mindfulness" before it arrived via MBSR, or Buddhism (came more post-vietnam-- I like some Buddhist authors, e.g. Jon Kabat Zinn, or Thick Nhat Hahn)-- it's about settling in to an internal life, and not being scared or freaked out by it, accepting what comes up-- and for trauma/PTSD-surviving it's remembering safety in the present moment.

I just had to share this positive experience of a really neat book find and the timing of it, the experience of it-- it helps to be aware of positive things occuring-- even if it's seemed like a long wait for it, we can also be proactive and try to build positive things in our lives, good self-care, so it's not hell we're experiencing 24/7 (as it has been for me).  I had no clue about 'self-care", there were no models for it, no safety to indulge-- nI'm more than whatever education or career or whatever roles I've been in, there's a 'me', I need to take care of in healthy ways.

-------

Some diagnoses can be way off, but even with correct diagnoses, actual PTSD-help/treatment is a really hard find, IME.  Hopefully it changes and shifts.  By speaking out here, I hope maybe some professionals are listening, and considering it, updrage to skills to include help for PTSD coping teaching. . .  Maybe there can be a ripple effect that can benefit others down the line. . .?

BPD and PTSD also have a lot of overlap, as well as DID and assoicated anxiety and depression features.  I took courses in Trauma and Addiction (at Algonquin-- the first course, "Communication and Relating Skills" is a good one, can benefit anyone, not just helpers, IMO).  I got some tips on books, e.g. Marsha Linehan's book on Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT-- I found a copy of the Skills Training Manual-- psychoeducation handouts-- useful), some practical skills that can benefit anyone, I liked the context of self-care in there.  Some of the treatments for other disorders like BPD, Anxiety, Depression can work for PTSD, but IMO/IME, PTSD need the grounding skills for flashbacks, can't get very far without that (and IME/IMO the meds are not enough to stabiliize that-- though they really helped re: nightmares for me-- when it was 4 months non-stop!).  Next best thing, is maybe to grab the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.

What can be annnoying about less-trained psychiatrists, is like the example you have given, and some things I've experienced.  Number one problem is their lack of ability to be present-- "how can I be present, if they're not present" (Thich Nhat Hahn idea. . . book, The Art of Mindfulness ), not unlike the problem of childhood neglect and parents that needed treatment themselves.  If they had better listening skills to begin with, the ability to be present to what one is presenting, that would be a good thing, but not sure how many are actually skilled this way?  I had one that was, but I only got 5 minutes with him, once/3 months-- he simply had too many patients-- he did pick up on the existence of that 10 year old who co-exists with me-- he hinted at it, and that part felt exposed, an awkward feeling, kind of a shock-- I remember experiencing that. . . I realized more later on down the road.  I believe he had the ability for deep listening, deep presense.  And I believe that he did have psychotherapy training, but due to time contraints and that he saw 30 paitients a day, no time-- and that's our health care system.

Those workshops are also good to grab, e.g. Serenity Renewal-- even if the family of origin wasn't dominated by eggshells around an active addict, there is understanding from there (if a parent was really ill, and acting out in inappropriate ways), whether the behaviours of the alcoholic traumatized or the behaviours of an ill parent and the maladpative adjustments on the family level, e.g. scapegoating.  It's hard to connect the dots. . . I've had some 'false flag events', misconnection, or sometimes focussing on the most violent and abhorent behaviours, while there were other levels of grief I was not connected to.  MBSR I think can help clear things up, but not worry abut interpretations and just honouring, accepting what one experiences, and letting it go, moment to moment.  Makes it easier to process later, when brain/body isnt' stressed out by automatic stress reaction (fight, flight, fright, flee). which can be soothed by breathing, mindfulness, body and breath.

As long as you can survive the hard stuff, you can also heal.  Have to make use of the small amounts of what is out there in help.  I would be curious to know what current waitlists are, e.g. FSO or the Community Health Centres?

I'm not sure it's going to get any easier, the political climate right now, people want their taxes lower (we feel that price higher as do a few other groups of people in hard places)-- they have no connection to people who are suffering hard,8% of those with PTSD, and whether or not their families are connected, get it, it's not much voting power in these times.  Trauma in Childhood is hard, there's families who have not recovered either, so the survivors don't always have that health of support vs. other disorders?  My family of origin was really low functioning, chaotic, no grounding re: parenting, they were in their own crazy dramas, children didn't exist.  Others hurt by parents being partially present, but then rejecting-- that's a mind-game too which affects trust-- attachment disorders.  

I'd say, believe in your own strength.  There are times it doesn't feel like we have that strength when overwhelmed by it, but surviving the overwhelment-- that Is strength-- that's huge.  Surviving PTSD-battles-- that's strength, more courage than a lot of people are able to relate to (freedoms they take for granted, when they're not actually for granted freedoms).  Stigma, which to me is lack of awareness and understanding, unfortunately is not something I see changing anytime soon, not enough to motivate political behaviours, not until their lives are touched by it.  Doesn't seem like there's that much compassion, it used to be that more others had the humility, "there but by the grace of God, go I", but that seems to have also evaporated, replaced by different kinds of 'Christianity' (as Jimmy Carter, ex-US president commented in his exiting speech, about his church have been infiltrated, co-opted-- there are greedy people who want all the control, all the power, all the toys).  While some were given tax benefits to renovate their kitchens, others were suffering alone in their own miserable hells.  A lot of political leaders appear to have their sociopathy going on-- I saw a CNN interview of Donald Trump, perfectly acceptable, his receiving of corporate welfare. . . (while they're proposing cuts to their medicaid-- it's shocking the high infant mortality rates in a country of so much wealth) perfectly acceptable that the wealth of a nation has been squandered on bailing out irresponsible bankers, while lowering their taxes and increasing the burdens to those who've paid into the system.  Social contract has been killed.  We paid by taxes to health care, but they want to open it up for more privatization (so ins co.s build profit). . . a lot of people hurting everywhere.  The Elite used to appreciate their priviledge more and give back, whether that's too the arts, or other things, non-profits, not recognizing their wealth was dependent on better days in the economy. . .or by privilege of who they knew, or their parents knew. . .hard work all the same.  Coping with PTSD is hard work, full time work it's been for me, for many years, but I'm gaining more freedom, with more energy freed up, I can return to work.

I refuse to give up.  I know I will be back on my feet and I choose to believe that no matter how hopeless it appeared.  Sooner or later things have got to shift, and I was right, it just took a long time, some many years.

---------- Post added at 04:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:57 PM ----------

Whoa, that was 12 pages of writing. . . sorry for the length (embarrassed).

---------- Post added at 10:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:58 PM ----------




Dragonfly said:


> My goodness Justaday! Your persistence and drive to advocate for yourself is amazing. given all your experiences, I know that it would be easy (and probably tempting) to lash out at those who try to provide some modicum of care. I know that when I get frustrated, sometimes it seems easier to spend my energy focussing on who and what is messing up - rather than finding solutions to the problem(s). You've experienced so much - I wonder if it would be possible for you to condense your wisdom about finding mental health care into a list of 10 or so bullets - at "to do" list of sorts .... If I was going to make such a list, it would start something like:
> 
> 1) Do call for an appt, but ask to be on a waiting list if someone cancels;
> 2) Do focus on my own health / recovery - not the illness(s) of those I encounter; etc.
> ...



Woops, I missed your post, just found it now (after writing another really long one).  I like those two points for the top of the list.  I did go through intense periods of fear of help because of some bad experiences, but that wasn't helping me either, but understandable. . . I had to work on a construct of good help, and I did find some.  

Worry about other people's problems has been a problem for me, one that is a tendency and automatic, so I have to step back and remember to do that.  I was actually tested this evening, a person from the past and a proposition that would likely pull me back into some toxic dynamics (an addict, "I'm clean". . . I can't fall for that again-- dude, I am clean, and going through stuff [I'm not self-medicating to numb it, I'm facing it]. . .too much drama-creating in his life, and I'm not going to fall for that again-- and doesn't look like he's even committed to 3 month residential, and clean but is drinking a bottle of gin. . .that's not clean, he'll just escalate back to the harder stuff. . .).  I can care, but I really do need to care about myself #1, that has to be a priority.  I was respectful [didn't say everything I was thinking], but I'm aware of protecting myself from becoming entangled.  He has no real idea of how damaging things were for me, how incapacitated I had become, because of the stressors (triggering the worst of everything I've experienced. . . intense).

I don't regret caring for my brother and helping him out through hard times, because he was honestly committed to his wellness and worked very hard on it and he is my family, my true family.  Would have been easier if there had been some good professional help, but that wasn't available, but the sacrifice was worth it.  He's in a much better space, so it's just maintenance supporting.

Wisdom would also be about being able to prioritize better-- that's a good challenge, something I need to do, consolidate and move on to next steps and newer directions.

1) Do call for an appt, but ask to be on a waiting list if someone cancels;
2) Do focus on my own health / recovery - not the illness(s) of those I encounter; etc.
3) Try to get out once a day.  Exercise daily.  Eat nutritiously.  Drink lots of water. . .

I'm thinking about goals setting, weekly, monthly and three months down the road.  What sorts of thinks I need to be doing daily to add to my wellness.  Manage my time better so that I don't neglect important areas in my life.  I also think about the 7 Attitudes from Jon Kabat Zinn's book, as something to continue to cultivate.

When it comes to seeking for help and being prepared for disappointments, while to keep going at it. . .

It's late, but I'm going to reflect more on it. . .


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## Justaday (Aug 4, 2011)

I got a letter from Homewood, confirming that I am "currently on a waiting list. . . to keep your file active we require updated information. . .to verify [my] information and accomodation request" and,


> If we do not hear from you within 30 days we will consider that you are no longer interested in our probram, and your name will be taken off our waiting list. Thank you for your interest in Homewood



Got to keep on top of these things. 

I phoned back, still no idea on when I can get in. I'm waiting for an OHIP-covered ward-bed. One thing that happens as well, is they organize by gender obviously for the ward beds, so they'll open up spaces for men at some points, like 3 months, then open up spaces for women for the next session, type of thing. . .

I'm also not sure what goes on, I got the impression that at times, they don't have the funding for the beds, while at other times they do. . . "it's better now". . . will it stay 'better' long enough for me to get in? Who knows, but I'm not going to worry about it.

I confirmed that I've been waiting 3 years +, and that helps them understand how to inform others re: waiting list times. . .?

Serenity Prayer. . ."grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

I have to remember that I am self-empowered, I don't depend on others for my wellness, it may take some extra time, but in the bigger scheme of things, time is just a drop in the bucket.

I'll keep focussing on the things that I can change.

---------- Post added at 05:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:28 PM ----------

*Finding Mental Health Care in Ottawa for Low-Income

*1. Finding out about what resources are available. Sources of information:

[*=1]Family Doctor or Psychiatrist[*=1]Crisis Lines (they can do referrals to services, let you know about what they know is available)[*=1]Community Health Centres (sometimes there is a crisis worker available at them and they can also do referrals)[*=1]Learning from other survivors about programs that may exist, e.g. Psychiatrist Survivors of Ottawa (211 Bank Street); word-of-mouth[*=1]Support Groups, e.g. Alanon, AA, etc.[*=1]Church groups, religious organizations[*=1]Drop-in Centres[*=1]On-line, Internet Searches
[*=1]e.g. "E-Blue Book": Search Results=[*=1]E-Mental Health[*=1]Trauma help: www.sidran.org, www.isst-d.org. . .[*=1]On-line support groups

2.* Keep a record* of what you can find. A log, notebook, binder or computer file, to keep track of who you've called, last time you called. . . I notice certain organizations offer workshops which can be handy, e.g. via Community Health Centres, or Psychiatric Survivors fo Ottawa, that have monthly schedules, so schedule into your monthly schedule a time to check back on these resources. 


3. Phone to book an appointment and/or get your name on the waiting lists-- 


4. *Get your name on as many waiting lists as possible *(it's also still handy even if you've found a helper because that frees up some choice, e.g. if something more appropriate is available for you, or more long-term vs. short term, in case that's needed) 

5. Make sure that if you do change residences, or phone numbers that you update the people you are on waitlists with re: your new contact information.

6. Check in with the places you are on waitlists with, e.g. once every 3 months, if you don't hear back from any of them, you can get a general idea of how long (or short) the waitlists are, so you can know what to expect. 

7. Be aware that some places offer *sliding fee scales*, services geared to your income, so it may be possible to negotiate with counsellors an affordable price for counselling

8. Some places offer cheaper counselling rates for student-counsellors-- In my experience, I've found shorter waitlists, re: getting help from a student-counsellor (who is supervised by their professor), you might be able to access this, while waiting for some longer-term counselling.

9. *Take advantage of any free and/or affordable workshops being offered in your community *(sources: Community Health Centres; Drop-in Centres; Psychiatric Survivors of Ottawa; Tone Magazine; Serenity Renewal for Families; Family Services of Ottawa; Catholic Family Services of Ottawa. . .). Might not solve all the problems, but can pick up some useful tools and perspectives.

10. *Practice Self-Care*. Be prepared for some disappointment and have a crisis plan as necessary to help cope with it. I've reached out to the Crisis Lines for support through this process as I have found it to be stressful at times. Believe in Yourself, committ to surviving the hard times and do what you can for your own wellness. You've done the best you could, getting on the waitlists, you can then put it aside and re-focus on your own wellness.

I've read books, tried to self-educate myself. 
I write, find safe ways of expressing myself. 
What is available in support through waitlists are: crisis lines; on-line support groups, other support groups. Hopspital if absolutely necessary (to protect life)

I also try to build on my wellness with positive activities. 

Light reading of inspiring, non-triggering books; non-triggering movies (another thing I like are Yoga Magazines, good articles, positive perspectives on things).
Healthy activities: doggy walking, exercise, cycling.
Healthy meals, try making something new-- healthy variety.
Crafts (I bead, sew, colour, play guitar, paint-- lots of ideas via internet craft sites, make stuff out of recycled materials).
Self-care rituals: cup of tea; bath. A monthly treat-- a nice smelling soap, or a 'bath bomb'
Try to keep to regular sleep and wake-up times.
Learn meditation, yoga (check for free/affordable opportunities in the community).
I like going out to bookstores (can look, don't have to buy); Value Village (affordable second-hand-books); Museum/Art Gallery, free-days
Library, can rent movies and books for free, just need a membership.
Try to keep up-to-date on basics of self care: hygiene, laundry, household chores; bills paid on time. . .etc.
Socialize, even if not up to it, can simplify with having a quick coffee with others
Try to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's to the corner store, walk around the block, to a drop-in centre, etc.
Try to live a life of balance, not over-working in one area of another, but keep balance each day, it feels better..
Be area of my limits, accept that some days I have less energy, so have a plan for 'lower-energy' days
Things to avoid: I need to avoid things which over-trigger me and which can create recovery set-backs: 

I need to avoid unhealthy relationships, e.g. people with active addictions, because that creates too much drama, impacts my health or others that over-trigger me. I have to set boundaries.
Over-involvement in 'causes', or political stuff, because helplessness is a trigger, accept the things I cannot control. I've often burnt out from letter writing campaigns, and frustrated by no action, and the losses hurt me, and it can be triggering and overwhelming for me.
Addictions, which for me can be causes, or too much researching-- know the threshhold when it's not healthy. Careful about internet-over-use.
Don't over-do recovery work, try to keep balance.
Being aware of being over-critical of my self, be aware of my own self-talk


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## Justaday (Aug 5, 2011)

Shout-out to CashmereCactus and others coping with PTSD/C-PTSD in Ottawa area:

Trauma Group in Ottawa (I learnt about this via connections within Psychiatric Survivors of Ottawa). The next meeting is *August 16th*. I believe it is a survivor-run group, but some of those people have had some access to PTSD-programs, maybe an opportunity to pick up coping tips.  The group is emotion focussed, so there it is some emotional support.

Maybe there is some luck on your side, CashmereCactus, as this is a rare find, a good opportunity that is available now!  Bonus 

Home - Ottawa support group for trauma, childhood abuse & neglect



> The purpose of this group is to provide compassionate, emotion-focused support for adults who have experienced trauma, childhood abuse or neglect.
> 
> PLEASE NOTE THAT THE NEXT GROUP WILL BE HELD ON WEDNESDAY, JULY 20th, FROM 5-6:30 IN ROOM 313.
> 
> ...


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## jenX (Dec 5, 2011)

Seems there are quite a few of us with experiences that are far too similar. I'd think the power layer would care about freeing up big money through proper treatment and prevention to, if nothing else, divide it up amongst themselves.

afaik therapy cannot create personalities/personality fragments in clients; ime, with a sufficiently increased experience of safety pre-existing ones may eventually emerge. [And, along these lines, it never hurts to emphasize that there's no such thing as "False Memory Syndrome" other than the term itself which was made up strictly for PR purposes, nor any basis in research to indicate any such condition exists.]

Justaday--Speaking as someone for whom "know[ing] the threshhold" for too much researching etc. is chronically stuck at a theoretical level, I believe your posts are the most accurate, thorough, and well-organised I've ever come across. You seem to be an extraordinarily strong and resourceful person; thank you for putting your hard-earned wisdom out here.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Dec 6, 2011)

jenX said:


> afaik therapy cannot create personalities/personality fragments in clients



That is not correct.



jenX said:


> with a sufficiently increased experience of safety pre-existing ones may eventually emerge.



That is correct.



jenX said:


> [And, along these lines, it never hurts to emphasize that there's no such thing as "False Memory Syndrome" other than the term itself which was made up strictly for PR purposes, nor any basis in research to indicate any such condition exists.]



That is entirely incorrect. There is in fact a sizable research literature demonstrating very clearly not only that False Memory Syndrome indeed exists but also how it is created. See Memory & Memory Disorders - Recovered Memories & False Memory Syndrome | Psychlinks.ca for a starting point.


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## Justaday (Jan 26, 2012)

Getting back to this thread late. . .



jenX said:


> Seems there are quite a few of us with experiences that are far too similar. I'd think the power layer would care about freeing up big money through proper treatment and prevention to, if nothing else, divide it up amongst themselves.
> 
> Justaday--Speaking as someone for whom "know[ing] the threshhold" for too much researching etc. is chronically stuck at a theoretical level, I believe your posts are the most accurate, thorough, and well-organised I've ever come across. You seem to be an extraordinarily strong and resourceful person; thank you for putting your hard-earned wisdom out here.



Thanks JenX for the validation re: the frustration re: the "system" when it comes to accessing ptsd-help.  It doesn't seem like a climate of change re: the political level to help fund programs for non-military 'combat traumas', etc.  

Still haven't got into Homewood and it's coming up to four years now, waiting. . . it's ridiculous and it's because I didn't have private health insurance (if I had that, my wait would only be a few months).  I didn't expect that I would need that, or that ptsd would happen to me (and I never had a well-paying job-- and didn't think about private insurance, thinking health care is already covered).  Can't exactly get private health insurance now-- they won't insure me for that with this known condition on my health records.  It's really too bad I sought help from the provincial system in the first place-- cause then I could get private health insurance and they wouldn't know about the ptsd-prior.

It's a lot of work having to become 'therapist' to myself, means I have to split and divide to do that-- I have to do the learning while I'm well enough to learn, absorb it, and hopefully be able to recall some of it when I need it -- it's helped me normalize the strangeness of some of my ptsd-experiencing (to be able to say, "oh well, that's what that is, no big deal"), so I can have less anxiety about the weirdness factor.  I can practice all the CBT I want, but when a stressor has triggered (e.g. life-threatening issue re: family member's health-- worry), it triggers a lot of other stuff-- I can try to stuff it away, but it gets me when I'm sleeping-- traumatic guilt, hypervigilance, causes weird experiences-- I can't shut it off, because it's still there, in my unconscious.

Like this week, brother's been working 7 days a week, being heavily exploited by his workplace (weekends are unpaid work, paper work he takes home, because if he didn't do that, he wouldn't be able to complete his job tasks-- when really, the paper work is not even his job).  It's been going on for 6 weeks straight-- no life, data entry for two-3 hours after work (unpaid).  He's just suppose to be a forklift/order picker, but the computer inventory is way off, so he's had to keep his own spreadsheet, plus tracking all movement of product, locations-- over 300 pallets (and it's 3rd party warehousing)-- he's doing 4 other jobs, getting underpaid for just one of those jobs.  He wants to leave, but leave in good-standing.  If he left now, it would screw company up-- but really that's not his problem.  But he's been having chest pains and they're stress related, but doesn't interfere with the physical aspect of his job, it's all the damn paperwork, coming up to recording 800 transactions, data entry, plus spreadsheet of 350 pallets (they added 50 more-- with no consultation with him, in the middle of an audit.  Heart attack runs in the family (all sides).  He's a smoker too.  I wanted him to take the day off work to go to a doctor and just get it checked out.  Yes, I feel angry that his work place is willing to work him into an early grave (so yes, use CBT to correct that 'magnification/catastrophizing), but at the same time, chest pains and upper body pains should be taken seriously.  If he keeled over in the warehouse, no-one would notice, if he's in an isolated part of it (the talkers at work avoid others who are actually doing the work, so they don't get pulled into doing anything).  The managers don't understand the complexity of this account (full skids, pick and pack, etc., frequent turnover), so they just avoid dealing with the problem-- it's not a problem to them because the work that my brother's doing is unpaid, so they get lazy.  They don't listen to him when he brings it up-- he should just take a week off from work-- so maybe they'd start to 'get it'-- when they realize the chaos (my brother has been 'enabling' them, protecting them from reality, by covering everything for them).  

Anyway, it's toxic situation, and my brother's health is starting to suffer.  I had more anxiety because he didn't get it checked out.  I phoned telehealth to figure out where he should be going-- health clinic or hospital-- cope, get the pragmatics, need-to-know, prepare plans, make sure brother is aware of when he would need to phone ambulance (by symptoms).  When he described his symptoms, his body language was pointing to his heart, and I wondered if that was something intuitive going on-- body communicating what's going on.  Anyway, I have a crisis-handling self, where I stay calm, take action, make use of time I have to prepare, options are clear, etc.

Anyway, coped with it, noticed CBT thoughts, "catastrophizing, don't make it worse than it is, but nonetheless take action, but the worry didn't go away.  I thought I packed it away.  I went to sleep (I'm dealing with chronic pain, fatigue too), 'half awoke', and had 'hypergogic/hypnogogic' (?) experience, hallucinated my brother walking in the door, like he usually does by routine, walks straight in and dumps his bag at his corner of the apartment (makeshift bedroom, living room divided in half).  It was trippy, because it was so real.  

Then I start panicking, hope it's not a ghost. . .   There's been times, sort of 'psychic', brother's in trouble, check in on him-- and I've been bang on and it's saved his life (like when cop beat him, gave him a concussion. . .head injury resulted in respiratory/heart thing, so brought him into the hospital-- he didn't want to go earlier-- so I have to negotiate things like that, and he takes too many risks with his health, neglects himself, even when it's potentially life-threatening).

Triggers are: related to my dad's death (violent, sudden, and painfully preventable); neglect and abuse by "authorities" (cops, employers, violent parents); role of protecting my brother through violent experiences (lots of anger there, and reminders of victimization, need to protect. . .).  Knowledge that my brother by habit, neglects himself-- I have to wrangle with him to get medical attention (and use the 'foot in the door technique', okay, he won't agree with this course of action, e.g. hospital. . . can I get him to go to the pharmacy and check his blood pressure [contingencies of no car, time consumption of travel, etc.]. . . nope, okay, I will borrow the neighbours blood pressure monitor. . .)

I've been triggered a few times the past couple of weeks (mom's health as well-- she likewise neglects herself)-- truth is, so do I neglect myself as well, but chronic pain has been keeping me in, on top of that.  I borrowed a blood pressure monitor off my neighbours-- checked my brothers-- it was okay (110 over 70-- healthy I think, better than average).  Checked mine, woops, high blood pressure (144 over 90) (and I was hiding any 'hysterics'-- keeping outwardly calm, grounded).  Still have the monitor and did a check just now, shows 122 over 83-- that's better.  I took a clonazepam later that night re: my brother, because I realized that my physiology was not re-stablizing from stress-response, and that my triggers were building upon one another, and sleep probs due to pain, etc. -- it gets into a cycle.

I noticed the clonazepam helped alot with my pain as well, marked difference the next day (still some of it, but not as burning, intense, shoulders-- and going to sleep no noticeable pain in feet, legs, hips, shoulder, neck).  I'm not even suppose to have Clonazepam-- it's a left over prescription from a few years back (I'm allowed a minimal supply of Ativan/Lorazepam-- which I try to save for panick attacks, out in public contingencies), but it was the right decision to take one (I rarely take them, going months without taking one, but I realized my physiology was out of whack, stress-response wasn't re-regulating and too far gone to stablize with breathing-- muscles so contracted, feels like every cell is contracted.

I feel asleep early last night, but awoke at 3am, and was out of smokes (yes, bad, but. . . and yes, on my mind to quit, but not yet. . .need to consolidate a plan and schedule for it).  I got stalked by a 'crackhead'--he was at a fair distance up the road, I crossed the street, so did he, he got up quickly to where I was walking across the parking lot to the store, walked straight toward me, almost violent, definitely with intent, fast paced directly towards me.  He got within 2 meters walking straight for me, I put my hand out, 'stop'-pointing gesture, and said "back the f, off", growl, it came from deep within me-- my Protector was out, and thank goodness, because I was approaching closely to a parked SUV, and if he nabbed me there, I'd be out of sight from the store and bank cameras.   My growl stopped him in his tracks-- he wasn't expecting that.  An interesting encounter, ptsd-insomiac, and crackhead who's partying all night and 'just ran out'.  He followed me from a distance right up to the store entrance, and I can't remember exactly that interaction, but I said something like "I'm not putting up with any bullsht. . . back the f, off", but there was a moment in that exhange, where I paused, inner voice warned me this could become violent and I felt I was prepared to fight if he took a strike out at me (I'm a chick, but I've had to fight to protect myself against stranger attack)-- Protector within is fully committed to not being put into a compromising position where more damage could be done.  I can't percieve motive, but proximity is enough (regardless of intention of attack), plus the way he was hurriedly rushing at me (and that's not a cog. distortion, that's what it was).  "Well can I at least get a cigarette off you", he pleads.  I go into the store, he follows in (I was also going to pick up some milk, but decided against that-- too much to carry).  Good think, I had my cash in my mitten, and carried no extra, because he was watching from behind, maybe watching where I reach for my money.  I felt a bit teary and race of anxiety for a moment, but I returned to calm quickly, re-focussed and I asked the guy at the counter for my smokes.  I unwrapped them at the counter (so I wouldn't do it outside and become distracted, and I pulled a couple out to give to this guy-- because it's obvious that I bought smokes, and so I'll get harrassed when I get out the door, more anger).  So, then we spoke for another minute outside the store.  Bugging for money-- and muttered something about me not having to be so mean (I hurt his feelings, he didn't feel like he was being treated with respect).  I told him, "Look, I'm on ODSP [no money]; I got PTSD, and I've been attacked twice".  Then he told me he was ODSP too, made hand gesture (spinning finger around head-- indicating "crazy too", mental health problems and had been on the street since he was 12 (and he looked 40ish).  He told me, he wasn't going to attack me.  For a moment I felt a bit calmed, like the energy left from my arms and drained back to my feet, but Protector returned and I told him "you ran up to me too fast" [so, that's what you're going to get].  We shook hands, it's okay now.  He said he would never assault women or children.  I said, "Cool", did the hand gesture, , knock closed fists against closed fist, like "word" [glad you don't harm kids, women].

I walk away, and then he's like "well do you have any bus tickets then".  And I think, I barely am able to get out the door to take the bus places because I've been in so much pain and it came out like "I'm in too much pain, for travel", and as I turned my back on him again, he mutters, that he can get me pain medication (verification, drug-addict) and as I walked further away, a veiled threat, "I own this hood" and I replied, "well, it's my neighbourhood too " (and I have a right to be here), hopefully he doesn't interpret that as getting 'my brothers and family out'.  

I think I scared him good enough to not try to jack me. When he made his disclosure about him being on odsp, street kid-- I didn't disclose my thing for pity, it was just with ptsd, that's how I'm going to react when someone gets too close in my personal space, walking with intention, rushing up to me, wanting something from me, doesn't matter what.  (A prior attack, I had hoped that it would have been a simple mugging, but it wasn't, it was the other type of attack, more common on women-- doesn't just happen in Mexico. . .).

I'm calm today and feel good about the knowledge that my Protector did come out appropriately to protect myself, prevent attack (verbal warning "back-off", while also ready to fight if he tried to grab me).  I allowed brief moment of debrief.  But guy was still conning, like if I started talking about "street stuff', he'd use that to try to manipulate me, catch me off guard-- knowing well, 'he's not my friend', is a stranger.  He seemed to need some sort of validation that he wasn't a total POS.  Somehow, I was on "automatic", guard was appropriately up.  Other parts appropriately stayed back.  My purpose of disclosure was just debrief, not a pity session, like where I felt he wanted to take that at. . . no, no way.    Normal addict stuff.  Can catch a moment of humanity, see the person as a person (sense the 'hurt feelings', but also aware of the conning, just trying to get everything he can from me), but there's also the live-addict, who's desperate and jonzing.

I don't think people who live in suburbs and can get safely into their car, encounter this sort of stuff as frequently.  There was an attack on a woman recently, near where my meditation class is (and if travelling by bus, I'd be at risk re: those paths).  I feel at odds with this meditaiton class-- damn right I keep prepared to protect myself.  "OM" is not going to keep me safe from attack.  3am travel to the store across the street is maybe not that wise, though I've been attacked at 6pm, so doesn't necessarily make that big of a difference, though this neighbourhood (but maybe it is different sort of attacking).

Often the earlier traumas from attack, come back and bite me an dmake it hard for me to go out of the apartment, sometimes I just can't leave the door.  I have to plan my travel routes carefully (and even this one, stayed where it was well lit, but the car obstacle could have left me vulnerable if he got close enough).  But pretty good at scoping the scenery aware of where this person was from far away.  I feel like the "Terminator", noticing potential risks well ahead of time (zero in, read target, "crackhead"-- from 100 yards away, night vision).  Anyway, I take my coping with that situation positively.  I protected myself, prevented attack, did not become violent inappropriately, but small risk he could have snapped and reacted to my anger (and I did pause) and thankfully he wasn't really violent, except to mug, go for the wallet.  I take from this that I can trust my instincts and feel safer that my Protector can come out appropriately-- it shows my system is working better in that way.

"Parts" do have functions and when they're regulated properly, things can run more smoothly.  Switching to a child part, like if I became inappropriately trusting, would be a very bad thing.

*****

I've heard about the "false memory syndrome" and I would think that that would have more to do with the "practicioner".  I would prefer a balanced-therapist who is flexible and experienced enough to be able to work through several modules.  I wouldn't want a therapist probing for buried memories, if they're buried, they're meant to be buried.  But when triggered, and after physiological stabilization from that, when it's more safe to process it without the risk of flooding, it helps to understand what types of things trigger, maybe some validation for that, and getting more used to that tendency of particular types of triggers, so that it becomes easier, "okay, it's that one", next, breath, ground, stabilize.

During an exception traumatic period in my life (while active, full ptsd on top of that), my brain did implode and spew out parts.  So much triggering re: a situation and on-going, building, progressing crises, and sets of crises, something so toxic that it triggered everything from throughout my life, so it made my head spin like a blender, inwardly.  I've never had psychotherapy, but I do know the reality of what I experienced and the confusion it caused and the chatter and different parts trying to communicate with me.  But normally, if no unusual stressors and the main I is handling things okay and keeping myself safe, than I don't hear much from the others.  I do talk to myself lots.  And the self talks to me (like I have a calm, warning voice within, about potential threats, it's calm, "now watch this", or in crisis-handling mode, "what do we need to do first, and focus, prioritize, have contingency plans" (if threat is not immediate or direct safety threat-- usually there is time.)

It's just been such a long haul, and my body has been getting sick as a result of untreated ptsd for so many years.  Even in lieu of the PTSD being activated, the brain has become dull and rusty around some areas, sometimes sort of like 'dementia', physical fatigue, and inability to think out simple tasks, like household organization.

Yes, it sucks that PTSD-treatment is bottom of the rung, when it comes to health care coverage priorities set by the government-- since it was suppose to be universal, but in reality it's becoming more and more two-tiered (requiring private health insurance).  Yes, I've been robbed of what should have been the better years of my life because of not being able to access treatment, so having to take the really long road to recovery.  

I communicate with Veterans from time to time ( alot of them are pretty tough, 'just the facts please', and they're very direct in their communication, 'call a spade a space', no babying).  Been aware of the overflow of traumatized Veterans, they call it OSI (Operational Stress Injuries), and often there is presentation of ptsd (combat, or clean up of bodies, or medics, or IED explosions-- and multiple tours, fatigue, etc.).  To handle the overflow from Afganistan and other missions, and the realization of the inadequacy of public-funded care, they're recieved some clinics, and funding towards that.  E.g. Royal Ottawa Hospital has an OSI program recently developed to handle this (Canadian Forces and RCMP). . . thing is PTSD affects 8% of the military population (though that's likely to rise, due to 10 years in Afganistan, longer careers, including Bosnia, and other 'peacekeeping missions' accumulating stress) while general population also affects about 8% of that population-- though we get nothing.

It's entirely political.  Government wants to keep going into wars. . . Iran potentially, next, Syria. . .?  So, to keep people signing up for it, they have to provide better services-- and they still don't have enough to keep up with demand.  The poor CF folks who try to access civilian resources to discover the same crap I've had to deal with (and yes, many post-deployment 'casualties' as well, we don't hear about, but they seem to happen almost weekly.  It's disgusting to me to send people out to war, and not provide the services they need when they come back.

But in this right-wing government, they have quite a different view of childhood abuse survivors, or domestic violence survivors, or assaulted women-- "It's your fault", "stop whining", just as the general public also has stupid ideas on what 'war trauma', 'combat trauma' is about-- all kinds of stupid stigmas.  I think one reason for calling PTSD, "OSI" and not PTSD-clinic, is to make sure the door is NOT open for other PTSD-sufferers-- it's to keep it exclusive.

Then there's other issues such as the lobbying powers of Big-Pharma-- the drugs will fix everything-- and they certainly don't for ptsd.  They can reduce some symptoms, prevent psychosis from untreated ptsd.  I feel like we are pretty much written off, cheaper to just let us rot on Disability, live in projects, ghettos, maybe we get taken down. . . I'm that cynical.  Big Pharma pretty well runs the hospitals (their tenticles are in the universities-to-hospital-- they fund the 'research').  No more "soft therapies"-- they don't generate profits for large corporations.  Out government functions as a corporation and they give out tonnes of money to other corporations (steal from our future health care coverage, etc.)-- billions of dollars going outward that way, regardless of taxes we pay, and that these mega corporations can afford to cover their own costs.

I've accepted that the system is corrupt.  I can't change that, so I have to make do with what I can.  I just can't seem to get over some hurdles.  Pain problems have been building the past 3 years.  And if I can get a few days where I know I'll have a better chance of making an appointment (and getting there on time), then I can get the pain stuff looked into.  Probably need blood tests to rule out other things.  I notice a reduction in pain from the Clonazepam and double bonus of reduction of PTSD impairment.  I think it's connected to my constriction symptoms (not just mind, it's also body).  It's impossible to get comphrehensive treatment and I wish I could get into Homewood-- I contemplate writing my MPP, but I'm not "politically significant" enough-- even if there's another 8% of PTSD sufferers out there.  Besides, if they do addiction treatment, all those people will also be wanting/needing perhaps some trauma treatment as well-- that opens the door to making a larger budget-- the public political will is just not there.  We've been driven into massive debt, so it's all about cutting back services.

Most therapists with private practices, are doing okay I'd guess, have their plate full, with people able to pay or have insurance coverage, so we're also invisible to them as well.  Long been invisible to the hospital intake (since they don't diagnose properly PTSD, they just call it something else so they can legally medicate with the preferred drug-- which can mean 'experiment', 'off-label uses', but call the dx something else).  It's all garbage, from my point of view.  There's no follow-ups, doctor and psychiatrist shortages.  I've got a good GP, but I'm responsible to remember when to re-book prescription refil after 3 months, but pain and ptsd problems have made it hard to get there.  I can book when I have a 'better day', less pain/ptsd, but by the time the appointment arrives, I can be really sick on that day. . . and I have to pay for missed appointments, so I don't bother.  I wait and hope for two weeks stability, or see if a few days of stability can hopefully last a week, week and half, two weeks to get in for an appointment.

Disposable garbage is how I feel by the treatment of the "system" towards PTSD-illness.  But I also know from abuse, to separate myself from the abuser and reclaim that I like other human beings, 'were born equal' and though I don't have equal access to health care for my condition, it doesn't actually mean that I am actual garbage, it's just the way I'm treated relative to others with other types of health conditions which do get treated by our health care system.  And I don't give up on myself in total, but there are days, I do give up, no energy, so I just try to rest.  The system maybe hopeless, but I'm not.  It's just trying to get healthy enough and stable enough so that I can jump further hurdles, get closer towards employability, rehab my damaged brain from ptsd-wear (aside form direct ptsd-symptom impairment).  Try to do my best each day.


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## forgetmenot (Jan 26, 2012)

CAMH in Toronto have a program as well to help with trauma. The number there is 416-535-8501. Janina Keating is the contact person.  

It is a woman's program to help deal with abuse and trauma,  7th floor   I think. It would be helpful. It was a year's wait to get in but sometimes cancellations do happen and you get in earlier.


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## Justaday (Jan 26, 2012)

Thanks Eclipse,

I just downloaded the referral forms and program information and I will bring them into my doctor. 

I think what I'll do is make an appointment tomorrow and seeing as I have a few Clonazepams left (not many, but I'll try to stretch them out), I'll take one each night (get's rid of pain too-- aspirin wasn't working, so I can get rested, better chance of making my appointment). 

Program looks like it can help me, body-therapy-- refining that, I think would definitely help and maybe EMDR and assistence to fine-tune CBT even.

I wasn't wrong about threat, on that walk to the store, he zeroed in on me and had no business approaching me there.  I recalled I also told him he shouldn't run up on people like that (as he was badgering me on the rest of the way to the store, but from a distance at least), and he bs'd said, he "thought he knew me"-- bs-- liar-- he didn't call out any names, was walking at fast pace directly at me, singly focussed attention directed at me (he could have waited till I was closer to the store, but he probably got complaints about that, 'no soliciting'-- he could have potentially hit me, trying to knock out to grab my bag (which is a decoy bag, messenger bag, fits across shoulders, technically difficult to grab).  Maybe also a trigger, as of course rushing up to me like that are the same actions of previous domestic assaults.  Because it didn't happened, didn't mean it wasn't going to happen-- I stopped him in his tracks, maybe woke him up (I think addicts have dual personalities, and crack addiction is brutal on people-- I've seen it up close and definitely try to avoid others active in that addiciton, way too much nuttiness in their lives, and way too triggering-- constant violent threats, dealers, cops).  

I checked my bp again, 119 over 73. . . that's pretty wild how it fluctuates.  I'm going to recheck at the pharmacy (they have a monitor there, and I'll also bring my brother in just to double-check, incase I've been using this wrong, or monitor is not so accurate).

Thing with the trauma stuff, is I can try to think it away, and actively calm 'anxiety', numb it and think I'm calm, but it still lives elsewhere in me.  I think I need other alternatives, complimentary therapies to the CBT.  I should talk about meds with my doctor.  But I think I can do okay with just prn, the physical pain is causing more problems (and it's adding to stress, and when it robs me of sleep, totally builds susceptibility to ptsd symptoms).

Learning about CAMH program, that's at least some hope, more reason, motivation to get myself back to my doctor.  I fell off of mediation yoga practice because of the pain, exhausting, I fell too far back-- I know getting back up with that, will reduce my symptoms better again-- it's just how things build up, extra contingencies I'm not prepared for, and I fall off track.

I'm nervous about travel to toronto.  I'll study the routes, bus-station, walking directions.  I may have some back-up support.  I got a friend, who's like in his late 70s, still working and he does travel to Toronto fairly regularly (and would prefer not to drive alone), so maybe something can be coordinated there.  I've also got a friend, I've recently re-connected to (via facebook) and he's trustworthy, stable enough-- old friend, one of my 'best buddies', former roommate, known him for years-- he's safe, won't pull any bs on me and he'd love to see me again (and he's safely married with child), so potentially I can bus in, stay over night and hitch a ride to CAMH.

Thank you for this informaton on CAMH-- I think I did look at it years ago?  Travel might have worried me?  Shuffled it away, forgot?  Looking at it now, I think it could help and I do need inpatient break, to help rebuild routine in a safe environment, where there's some focussed support for my self.

So yeah, thank you very much-- it's really appreciated.


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