# Thought I had this beat but its back...



## adaptive1 (Nov 26, 2007)

I try to be careful using this computer because my room mate uses this computer too and I dont want anyone to know about my problems.... but I have had some problems with obsessive thinking and behaviour but I have been doing so well, its been almost six months and no problems but then November came and bang, it was just a bad day and I started down the same path, obsessing about some small problem and then it just grew and grew, this time instead of spending my time writing non stop, I am splittling my time into spending hours on the internet researching the same things over and over, I cant seem to log out. When I am not doing that I am writing over and over to myself by writing paragraphs such as this. Why am I doing this? Am I sabotaging myself? Was a year in therapy not enough for me, I cant stop this time?

I think about going back to see the therapist but I obsess over that too. I dont want to obsess about therapy, why would I do that. I think going back might make me worse this time. 

What should I do?


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## Into The Light (Nov 26, 2007)

what makes you feel that going back to therapy would make things worse this time?


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## adaptive1 (Nov 26, 2007)

I think because I am obsessing so much about it and I dont know why. If you are obsessing about something I think you are not supposed to act on it, so if I am thinking about it alot, to go back would in theory make the obsession stronger. Does this make sense? I am not sure why I am obsessing about it, maybe I think I cant get by without it, of course I can, I learned all the techniques of what to do, I just cant seem to do them right now.


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## Halo (Nov 26, 2007)

I was wondering if you can think of anything significant that happened in November to trigger these problems with obsessive thinking and behaviours.  If they happened all of a sudden I would wonder if something happened to trigger you.


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## adaptive1 (Nov 26, 2007)

There were some minor stressors but nothing that should have caused this to happen. If there was something in particular I guess I am not insightful enough to know what it was. I


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## Into The Light (Nov 26, 2007)

i don't think returning to therapy would be a bad idea if you are struggling, even if the target of your obsessive thinking is therapy. your therapist would be able to help you deal with that, i would imagine.


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## adaptive1 (Nov 26, 2007)

Thanks for your advice, I will think about it, I cant imagine where I come up with these topics that I obsess about, I think I am obsessing about therapy because I somehow imagine it is a quick fix for reducing anxiety but I know it isn't. It kind of helps with the symptoms but I still have to do the work and I do know what I have to do.  It is just hard when it gets out of hand like this.


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## Halo (Nov 26, 2007)

Even though you say you know what you need to do, maybe you just need a little refresher or maintenance sessions with a therapist to help you through this tough time and to reinforce what you already know.


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## Into The Light (Nov 26, 2007)

good luck with your decision, let us know what you decide  i hope things let up for you.


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## adaptive1 (Nov 27, 2007)

Thanks for the kind words, I can not talk to anyone about this. I keep it hidden.

I am trying to fight this using all the techniques I have learned and David and Daniel talk about the four step technique. I just feel that I am battling myself on and off the entire day and its frustrating, but I guess at least I am trying. Thats more than I did when I first had these problems.


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## adaptive1 (Dec 4, 2007)

I try and stop myself from acting so strangely but it seems like a lost cause, I called the therapsit a week ago and he didnt return my call, I bet I probably made him quit the profession. Its like one in the morning and here I sit spending hours writing down the same things over and over. It doesnt feel like there is anything to look forward to any more, just brief periods where I dont act insaine, but then going back to periods where I am out of my mind again. Sorry to be such a downer, I know tons of people suffer more than I could, maybe I am one of the worried well that is causing all my own problems. Its hard to look ahead and see any kind of future at the moment.


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## HA (Dec 4, 2007)

Hello M1,

In a previous post you were considering medication, have you tried that yet?


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## Into The Light (Dec 4, 2007)

maladaptive, try calling again. sometimes we need to be persistent. there could be many reasons why he hasn't called back. maybe he was sick last week, or out on a short break, or he had an emergency, or maybe he got the message, meant to call back but then something came up, or maybe something happened to the message itself.

good luck and let us know if you get through.


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## Halo (Dec 4, 2007)

I was going to suggest the same thing as Ladybug.  Try calling again because you never know why you didn't get a return call.  Being persistent is a good thing especially when looking for help. Never give up because the right therapist and help could be right around the corner.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you :hug:


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## adaptive1 (Dec 4, 2007)

I dont think I am going to call again, clearly other peoples problems are more important. Sorry to bother you again with this, I better get it together soon or I will lose my job if I keep doing these kinds of things at work.


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## Halo (Dec 4, 2007)

I don't think anybody's problems are more important than yours and please don't think that that was the reason for the therapist not calling back.  Your problems are just as important as anyone elses.  As has been said, there are so many reasons that the therapist may not have called back and if you truly want help and to get better, you will call again.  Please Maladaptive1, call again and at least try to get an appointment...it will be worth it.

Take care :hug:


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## adaptive1 (Dec 4, 2007)

I dont think I care anymore if I get better. I think maybe I prefer living in a fantasy world


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## Halo (Dec 4, 2007)

I honestly believe that if you didn't care if you got better then you wouldn't be with us on this board talking and trying to better yourself and come up with solutions to your problems.  

I think many of us have had times in our lives when we had the "I don't care" attitude about whether we get better or not but if we look deep down we really do care it is just hidden underneath the mask that is at the forefront showing the "I don't care".

I really believe that if you took off that mask and looked deep inside that you would realize that you truly do want to get better but maybe you are afraid of what that entails and it is fear that holds you back.


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## adaptive1 (Dec 4, 2007)

I think it is really wrong of me to use the forum when clearly I have the ability to solve my problems and I dont use that ability for what ever the reason. If I have been given assistance I cant expect that to go on forever or that people are not going to get frustrated with me when I dont maintain positive changes. I think I have been given all the help that I deserve and more so. Its not fair of me to frustrate everyone else just because I am an idiot and cant get things right.


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## Halo (Dec 4, 2007)

I don't think that you are an idiot and I personally don't care how much assistance you have been given.  If you need more help or guidance and you feel the need to post here and gain our support then I am happy you are here and reaching out for help.  I am sure that others are happy you are here to.  I have had years of therapy but yet I still come here for support and help especially when I am struggling as even though I know what I need to do to help myself, I may not have the energy or desire to do it.  With the help of others here I see that glimmer of hope come back and they help pull me through....that is what Psychlinks is all about...helping each other in a time of need no matter what.

I am sure that we can all solve our own problems but isn't it much easier to solve and brainstorm ideas with friends and people that genuinely care about you than all by yourself.

I think you are exactly where you belong....here on Psychlinks trying to work out your issues and I think that calling the therapist back would be a good start to healing as well.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 4, 2007)

Great reply, Halo. And for the record, maladaptive, I agree with her.


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## adaptive1 (Dec 4, 2007)

Thank you for all your kind thoughts, extemely nice of you Halo and others to spend so much time answering me. I suppose I wasnt anticpating kindness, just anger and frustration directed at me.


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## Into The Light (Dec 4, 2007)

we all have our own personal struggles and i've felt too at times that i had the skills and the tools to help myself, so why did i feel i needed others? but you can turn that around too, why should we have to struggle alone when with the support of others we can get through stuff a little easier? things are hard enough as they are so we may as well accept a little help 

i hope you make that call and keep trying, it will be well worth it. take care and let us know how it works out!


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## adaptive1 (Dec 5, 2007)

Thanks Ladybug. All the advice was helpful today.  I guess I better bite the bullet and do something about this. Besides that therapist I havent discussed this with anyone, I tried to go the doctor twice about it but I couldnt go through with it. I am really scared of Doctors.  But things are out of control now to the point where I dont care what the Doctors think anymore,   I feel like I am losing touch with reality and I am scared of the way that I act and what might lie ahead. I have a done a good job of hiding this from everyone, it is sad how easy it was. 

Its just that I feel like I need to keep doing the same things over and over because there really is something that I am looking for and if I do something 1000 times, maybe on the 1001 time I will find what I am looking for.  But of course there is nothing that I am really looking for, and if there is, I have no idea what it is. Its just for a feeling to go away if that makes sense at all.  

Sorry for the rambling, there arent a lot of people to talk to at two in the morning.


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## Halo (Dec 5, 2007)

Please don't apologize for rambling...that is what this forum is for, to vent and share whatever it is that may be going through your head and you may be struggling with.  You never need to apologize for rambling or for what you are feeling.

Again, I can't say enough of how much of a benefit it would be to you to call that therapist back and see if you can get an appointment.  It sounds like you could really use a professional to talk to before things get even more out of control and you never know this therapist may be the one to really help you.

Take care


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## adaptive1 (Dec 17, 2007)

Thanks for your help again you guys, I hope everyone else is doing ok. I did get through and I did get an appointment. I cant really say I am feeling better, but it could be alot worse. It is hard to understand the way my mind works. I totally feel like I have inflicted some kind of neurosis upon my mind on purpose and I dont know why.  I was told it is to keep from thinking about things that are really bothering me, but I am not entirely sure what is bothering me. In order to accept I have OCD I feel like I need to have 100% proof or something and I guess that doesnt make sense. It would be one thing if I had the classic symptoms of washing or hoarding or something but I dont. I keep thinking it is something worse and I am going crazy and all I do is worry about being crazy.


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## stargazer (Dec 24, 2007)

maladaptive1 said:


> Sorry for the rambling, there arent a lot of people to talk to at two in the morning.



I didn't think you to be rambling either, but I can identify with the experience of not having a whole lot of people to talk to when I am having some overwhelming issue at two in the morning.  In my area, I can call a Crisis Line.  There again, I am besieged by feelings similar to yours -- that the problems of others are "more important" than mine, that I am pestering them, that they are tired of hearing from me, and so forth.  In reality, they are there only to do their job.  Again, where is one to turn at two in the morning?  This is why all-night Crisis lines exist.

And it is also another advantage of PsychLinks.  I might be disturbed at four in the morning where I live in California, and someone in Canada might have just arisen and logged on to PsychLinks.  That has happened many times, and it's been greatly appreciated.



maladaptive1 said:


> I did get through and I did get an appointment.



That's great!  I'm sure that's a major step in the right direction.  Good for you!


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## adaptive1 (Jan 5, 2008)

Gosh you guys, it is tough work trying to be mentally healthy. One day I am fine and the next day I feel like its such a long road ahead of me. The therapist told me that there was nothing more we could really do for my OCD symptoms that I should focus on making goals for myself and then I would be less distressed about it. I guess its just like that article I posted here somewhere about wishing that the obsessing would stop before my life will get better. Its just hard because I think the same thing almost every moment that I am awake and its exhausting. The medication doesnt seem to help but I thought it did at first, I guess I wanted to believe. Now I feel like I am going to have the same thought trapped in my head for the rest of my life and I just feel like I should learn to live with it and be happy that it isnt worse, but at the same time I keep getting upset about it.  Is it normal to have one recurring thought every waking moment, do I really just have to learn to live with it?  Am I just over reacting, would you guys be upset if you felt like you  couldnt drive something out of your mind? How can I really accept this and finally move on to a better place?


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## Into The Light (Jan 5, 2008)

i am wondering what made your therapist say that there isn't much more that can be done?



maladaptive1 said:


> The medication doesnt seem to help but I thought it did at first, I guess I wanted to believe.


have you mentioned this to your doctor and therapist?



> Now I feel like I am going to have the same thought trapped in my head for the rest of my life and I just feel like I should learn to live with it and be happy that it isnt worse, but at the same time I keep getting upset about it.  Is it normal to have one recurring thought every waking moment, do I really just have to learn to live with it?  Am I just over reacting, would you guys be upset if you felt like you  couldnt drive something out of your mind? How can I really accept this and finally move on to a better place?


i would be upset too, i am sure. it sounds like a difficult thing to go through.

one thing that i have learned that applies in various situations is to try and not fight the thing that is upsetting. instead of working so hard against it, have you tried letting go a bit and go into "observer mode"? i do not know if this is helpful as i don't have ocd, but thought i'd suggest it just in case.

also what about the book brainlock that has often been suggested on the forum?


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 5, 2008)

maladaptive1 said:


> The therapist told me that there was nothing more we could really do for my OCD symptoms that I should focus on making goals for myself and then I would be less distressed about it.



Perhaps it's time to try a therapist with a different approach or with more experience with OCD?



maladaptive1 said:


> The medication doesnt seem to help but I thought it did at first, I guess I wanted to believe.



What medication is that and at what dose? Some are better than others for OCD.


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## adaptive1 (Jan 5, 2008)

Yes, maybe it might be an idea to try a different therapist, this one is extremely nice but I guess it wouldnt hurt to look at my options if I really want to improve and if there is a chance that this could happen. Currently  I am taking zoloft 50 mg twice a day, is there something better than could help, I would be willing to try it.

The therapist said nothing more could be done because that the thoughts seemed to be automatic and there was no pay off I was getting from them and that he could see. I try the techniques in Brain Lock but its like I am telling myself every five seconds that the thoughts have no meaning and it becomes as exhausting as the repetitive thoughs themself. I heard about the steps from Dr Baxter and Daniel, they are helpful for getting rid of compulsions but I havent been able to master them for obsessions.

Thank you for answering and for letting me vent, sorry for being so selfish. I wish I could help others and I know I am being ungrateful when I have my physical health and other things, its just hard not to react to the frustration of having a constant obsession in my head every waking moment.


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## Halo (Jan 5, 2008)

maladaptive1 said:


> Thank you for answering and for letting me vent, sorry for being so selfish. I wish I could help others and I know I am being ungrateful when I have my physical health and other things, its just hard not to react to the frustration of having a constant obsession in my head every waking moment.



I don't think you are being selfish at all.  Whether you are struggling mentally or physically it is still struggling and I am glad that you are posting about it on here.  That is what this forum is for to help each other when needed.  I am sure that when you are able, you will give back to others.  Also, you may not realize that by posting about your troubles and struggles on here that you may be helping someone else who feels the same but is too nervous to post.  That in itself is helping.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 5, 2008)

I agree - there's nothing selfish about asking questions or seeking help.

Your medication probably isn't helping you much - 50 mg of Zoloft is a very low dose, and Zoloft may not be the best medication for you at any dose. You could certainly try a more therapeutic dose of Zoloft (talk to your doctor about it) but there is some evidence that Luvox (fluvoxamine) is a better drug for OCD - talk to your doctor about this. Note that there is evidence from a large scale study conducted a few years ago in Ottawa that the generic version of Luvox is not as effective as the brand name version in treating OCD.



> I try the techniques in Brain Lock but its like I am telling myself every five seconds that the thoughts have no meaning and it becomes as exhausting as the repetitive thoughs themself. I heard about the steps from Dr Baxter and Daniel, they are helpful for getting rid of compulsions but I havent been able to master them for obsessions.



I suspect that's because you are actively fighting them. In my experience, with the obsessional variety of OCD (obsessions prominent, compulsions/rituals less prominent or absent), this is counterproductive. What you can try to do is to accept the thoughts, let them pass through you rather than fighting them, accept them as just your style of worrying and don't try to push them away - just let them come... and then go again.


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## adaptive1 (Jan 5, 2008)

Thank you very much for the suggestions. I also like the last idea about accepting it as my style of worrying, thats very hepful actually. 

I see by your mood record you are not feeling well Dr Baxter, I hope you feel better soon.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 5, 2008)

Actually, I'm starting to feel a little better. Back to maybe 75-80% now.


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## adaptive1 (Jan 9, 2008)

Hello again, just wanted to say again how helpful the suggestion was about t letting the thoughts go through me.....I have been practicising that the last few days and it has made such a different, I feel so much less worried about everything :dimples:I had a great day and went to the gym and suddenly it was like, I can't believe what a good day I am having even with these thoughts stuck in my head. 

Thank you again, this is the best I felt in ages:dimples:.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 9, 2008)

That's great news, maladaptive!


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## Into The Light (Jan 10, 2008)

:yahoo: that is awesome! :yahoo:


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## adaptive1 (Jan 18, 2008)

I am looking for some ideas on what activities I could do instead of performing compulsions, like positive things that could be done instead of negative things. I am trying to think of things but I am not creative. Does anyone have any good suggestions? It should be something that doesnt take alot of time so that it would just get me through the first few minutes. I have thought of going for a short walk and calling someone but I dont really have a lot of people to call. Its hard to do things like read and watch tv because its hard to concentrate.  I wondered if anyone here had any good ideas on things that might be positive distractions?


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## Daniel (Jan 18, 2008)

I think the short walk is a good idea.   I find that exercise requires the least amount of attention compared to most of my other activities and even a small amount of exercise can reduce the anxiety.


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## ladylore (Jan 18, 2008)

Doodling works at times. Going for a walk is great too.  I don't know why but doing a bit of washing by hand always helps. I am so focused on the task that it helps get my mind off of the compulsion.


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## adaptive1 (Jan 20, 2008)

Sigh, this is tough going you guys, thank God for this forum because no one knows that I am going out of my mind not performing any of the stupid compulsions that I usually do, and there were lots of them. But its been a couple of weeks now and I have done amazingly well and I have gone back to work again and have found a few things to do instead of my compulsions.  Mainly its these stupid obsessive thoughts to deal with now, but I try to deal with them the way Dr Baxter suggests...well, thanks for letting me vent here, hopefully brighter days are ahead.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 21, 2008)

It's hard work but it sounds like you're making progress, maladaptive. :goodjob:


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## adaptive1 (Jan 21, 2008)

Thank you so much Dr Baxter, why if this keeps up I wont be able to keep my name maladaptive1....I will have to change it to something more postive.., that will be nice. Your help has been a lifeline for me.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 21, 2008)

We could always rename you to adaptive1.


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## adaptive1 (Jan 21, 2008)

Too funny, I would like that, I  think the new name would be like a reward, so I am going to wait until i feel like I have really earned it.......


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## adaptive1 (Jan 23, 2008)

Sigh, if there was an official diagnosis of being an idiot I think I would get it....

And I want to earn my self a new name other than maladaptive  but I didnt today, it was the strangest thing, here I am just back to work and I  have been having these thoughts all day that I am about to lose my mind, like I am psychotic or something. I kept having to go on the computer and check and recheck my symptoms to make sure I wasnt developing some kind of psychosis, it was like psychology 101 or something.  And so it feels like it is starting, I keep wanting to check and make sure that I am not going crazy. Also, I kept worrying that I would start talking to people and that suddenly start talking in a language that no one could understand.  These thoughts have been pestering me the last few days and I am ignoring them as Dr Baxter has suggested but it sure is stupid and they are getting stronger. 

This would be so terribly funny if it was not so annoying and wasting time that I dont have to waste. I am trying my best not to play these stupid games with myself but how long can I wage a war against myself and contain these stupid annoying thoughts and behaviours.  

I swear I must have been dropped on my head a few times as a child.


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## adaptive1 (Mar 15, 2008)

Sorry to bother you with yet another question  

I am actually doing well at the moment but I think I had this idea that mental disorders completely vanish and I would get this aha moment where I thought, that is it, I am 100% free of these issues. I can see that this isnt going to be the case. As I said I am ok with this, for the first time in my life I care about myself enough to make sure I stay healthy mentally. 

One thing I was wondering about though, Dr Baxter said that it is better to accept obessive thoughts as your style of worrying and don't try to push them away - just let them come... and then go again.........a question on mastering this technique, do you mean to say that accepting something as your style of worrying means that you are worrying about something obsessively to make up for real life worries or do you mean that we are actually worried about what we obsess about and that is just the way our minds work?

Did my question make sense? I guess what I am asking is do we obsess about non reality based things because we are really worried about real life things, what if I am not sure what I am really worried about in real life. Do I need to know this to make my obsessive thoughts go away? What does it mean to have this style of worrying?


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## Into The Light (Mar 15, 2008)

if i understand you correctly, you are asking if your obsessive worrying is a distraction from a real worry or concern you might have.

i don't really know the answer, i suspect that for the most part the worrying is there because your brain has a need to latch on to something to worry about. if there was a real worry or concern i think you would just obsess over that instead.

as i said though i don't really know so maybe someone else can answer this for sure


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 15, 2008)

adaptive1 said:


> I am actually doing well at the moment but I think I had this idea that mental disorders completely vanish and I would get this aha moment where I thought, that is it, I am 100% free of these issues. I can see that this isnt going to be the case. As I said I am ok with this, for the first time in my life I care about myself enough to make sure I stay healthy mentally.
> 
> One thing I was wondering about though, Dr Baxter said that it is better to accept obessive thoughts as your style of worrying and don't try to push them away - just let them come... and then go again.........a question on mastering this technique, do you mean to say that accepting something as your style of worrying means that you are worrying about something obsessively to make up for real life worries or do you mean that we are actually worried about what we obsess about and that is just the way our minds work?



The second: It's not unusual or abnormal to worry about things - in fact it's protective - and these are often real worries, not things you are making up. That's partly why the tendencies get worse when you are stressed. But obsessive worrying (obsessive-compulsive thoughts) is simply how some people worry. That's what I was suggesting - that you recognize this as simply your worrying style - identify it that way - no need to fight the thoughts or read into the thoughts - all they represent is a worry about something - let if flow through you like any other worry.

And you're right - this won't go away entirely - it's part of your personality - but you can learn (and are learning I think) to manage the thoughts better and to be less distressed by them.



adaptive1 said:


> Did my question make sense? I guess what I am asking is do we obsess about non reality based things because we are really worried about real life things, what if I am not sure what I am really worried about in real life. Do I need to know this to make my obsessive thoughts go away? What does it mean to have this style of worrying?



I don't have OCD and I'm not always certain what I'm feeling worried about either, at least not at first. Sometimes, it's necessary to let whatever it is "ferment" in the back of my brain until it becomes more clear.


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## adaptive1 (Mar 15, 2008)

Thanks again you guys, that knowledge about my style of worrying is extremely helpful and yes you are right Dr Baxter, I am learning to be less distressed about my obsessive thoughts, one thing that helps, I dont know if it would be helpful to anyone else but I try to think of my mind as a television set that has multiple channels, one channel always has the same program on so I try and switch to another one that is more positive. The station playing the same program is always on but I dont have to sit and watch it, I can be doing other things at the same time.

Thanks again for the advice, I have really learned a lot on here, I am surprised that I have actually made progress, I didnt really think I had it in me.  My therapist is extremely nice and had good ideas but I think OCD is not the area of his expertise, I got much better ideas from this forum so it is helpful to get different perspectives sometimes if you start to feel you cant do something.


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