# Oh please - what should I do



## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*OMG - this was the only thread that made sense*

Sometimes there isn't a better.
Sometimes we can't receive the help we need.
Sometimes the pain is sooo REAL - it's not in my head.
Oh my GOd I need help

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Why suffer?
I have my mother who is 82 - I can't leave her.
but at the same time I am sucking he life out of her.
she deserves so much better.  I should be looking after her.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

Sometimes it does just hurt so much. And during those times we have to hold on dearly to the truth and that is, that we deserve to live and we can hold on for one more day. Do you have someone to talk to about this stuff, a therapist? What do you mean "can't receive the help we need?" Are you unable to get help?


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

CD - It's funny because you are going through so much pain.
Where do you get the strength to reach out?
I wish you could take your own advice.

Sometimes I feel we are just doing the big stupid circle.
My protective shield - smashed on the floor
be kind to  yourself - go **** your self

Good God _ If you hang on I will CD!


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

Well, I am definitely hanging on so you have to as well.


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*I can't even find my original  thread.*

How do I ask for help.
I've called the crisis line before. and went and met my pdoc
But my pdoc is a different person.
what do I do
I need to live


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

Good - because I'm holding you to that CD.
I need you and unfortunately your painful desperation.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

Has something in particular happened tonight that has gotten you so down?


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

I don't know what to say to the crisis line
I'm not sure I want to really say anything

I wish I could be saved.  But it's just not so easy


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

I just feel so beat down.  It' work related.  But that is just my trigger.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

I'm looking for a crisis line number if you need one.

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http://www.psychlinks.ca/suicide.html


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

so hard to call. what do I say? Gee! I'm having a bit of a problem ......I won't go to the hospital
]

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Gee CD - I really wish you and I live close together.  We could really help each other.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

I'd say, "hey i'm really having a rough time. I need someone to hear me." Hey, maybe I should call one too.


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

I'll call one if you do.
I REALLY feel you suffering.  You need help too.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: oh please - what should I do*

You can be saved. It might indeed not be easy, but don't give up.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

Ok, I will. I'll try to find one for me. I think I do need to talk to someone.


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

Oh CD - You have been through more than I have.
I've wanted to help you on this forum.
Provide some light.
Bust my life is dark.
Life is too hard for me.
The pain is too great.  I do know that there is beauty. Joy. Peace.
Please try to find that for your children. Fight for that peace for children.


There has never been a question about you being a good mother.
It's what you believe that is the issue here.
Depression. OCD. BDP. BP. etc. etc. etc. sooooo many other illnesses. There IS a sickness here. You keep fighting for the answer.
I've learned that we cannot trust our care-givers completely.

That is why we need this support group.
There is no ONE answer. we are lovely and unique and interesting.!
CD - stay with me!


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

It is illness isn't it? It's not really us. It's sad that we get lost in the illness. I want credit for trying really hard because I think I have. Do you ever feel that way, like you try SO hard? 

You're very kind. Thank you.


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: omg - this was the only thread that made sense*

I feel the same way as you CD.
This illness is fatal for a reason.
You HAVE been trying so hard, working so hard.
I wish there was a cure for us.
There isn't
But.....We have each other.!!!!!!

---------- Post Merged at 12:34 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:33 AM ----------

We have to keep fighting

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I hate the - well are you seeing a therapist, pdoc, have you talked to your doc about this?

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Sometimes we do the best we can.
Period.

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CD - you are awesome
You do help me. I don't know why - but it's this communication that is most valuable.


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*I really think this is the future*

I've been 'sick' for a while.
My teenage years were spent - chasing """"love"""
I had relationships with many older men.

The one that "hurts" hurts. Is when I was 17, my sisters wedding. This "cop" was attracted to me. I was drunk and I went along with him. He was so mad that my sister was marrying any one guy  but him.  I't became.....I'm not sure what sexual, physical, emotional abuse is, how is it defined.

He trapped me to the floor.  He [did terrible things to me].
I broke free.

I was accused the next day of being the slut!  My father said "how could you?"


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Okay so I'm a fool*

If I were serious. I would'nt want to hear any blah, blah

I suppose I/s not too serious as I've not done it.
What is it we are waiting for?


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## making_art (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: Okay so I'm a fool*

Gardens..I am not feeling well so have to go to bed...but I read your posts and wanted to let you know that I care and wish I could be more supportive of you tonight.  

Your mother wants you to stay in her life because she loves you and I am sure she is so looking forward to the day you are feeling better so she can also share that with you. You are not sucking the life out of her...you are her beautiful daughter...her baby....but you not being in her life would mean she would have the remainder of her life to live with a large piece of her heart missing.

You will get through this rough patch...you are getting there so keep on trudging on...untill the sun starts to shine in your life once again..

I am so sorry that you had to endure such a trauma at the wedding with the police officer.

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and..you're not a fool....you are suffering......I don't know what time it is in your region but is it possible that you can create a distraction from your thoughts by going to a favorite coffee shop......or other place that is different from where you are right now?

Can you call your therapist?

I am going to lay down so here are a few hugs until I read your post again....:grouphug:


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## gardens (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: Okay so I'm a fool*

I called the crisis Line
I wasn't at the point of real suicide.. It dind't register...Guess I'lll try to be more deadly in the futllure

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I must be clear here.
Anyone reading this...YOU are loved.  That is no small thing.

Be you! Even if that means being against the grain.
Be. Who you are at this very moment:
Tell the Big(what ever you want to call him or her)
I am. I was I will be
Bless
You will not define me.


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## forgetmenot (Dec 6, 2012)

*Re: Okay so I'm a fool*

I am sorry hun you are in such a dark place hun   You are someone hun  you are special  and you are cared for.    It is so hard to reach out for that help that voice in the dark that will hold us here.  You did reach out hun  you did good.  Sometimes just hearing a voice even if it is not what we want to hear it helps to ground us some.
I too hope you can get a hold of your therapist or doctor hun soon     I am  I was  I will be   and you will be ok hun    Hugs


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## MHealthJo (Dec 6, 2012)

I am  so sorry for this wrong, awful thing that was done to you Gardens.

And I am so terribly sorry that anyone tried to say it was your fault.

If healthy boundaries are disrespected it is never ever your fault,  how awful for anyone to say or think so. They have just got it wrong.

Wonderful, wonderful, you are saying strong things and writing strong things - you keep writing and saying the strong things, the truthful things that are self-loving and self-caring.

And reaching out can help you keep doing that and your story can be heard and comforted. Sometimes the comfort and care needed, after wrong or awful or scary things happen, does not come through at the time... Or maybe it comes but the upset, hurt or shock has made it difficult for our body and mind to fully absorb the care and comfort we need and deserve.

But we can always, always reach out and find it later... it is never never too late and we never never stop deserving care and comfort.  As much as we need. Never ever. 

And please remember most crisis lines/suicide based lines are not just for those at a high suicide risk - they are for those in distress. Full stop. I use them sometimes, just to lift up when I struggle, to stay strong, or get strength back.  Take a look around; keep trying until you have a way to receive comfort and support when you need it - and of course talk to us any time. 

I am so happy that you feel comfortable and safe talking to Cat Dancer. She is beautiful, is she not? One day she will see the care she has given to others and see all the beautiful things in her, such as this. You gave her that opportunity by bravely reaching out. You sound like you really are trying hard against a very tough illness, just like CD is. I bet no mum would see her daughter, suffering against a very tough illness, as 'sucking her dry'. If she did feel that way, she would be wrong. A mum would not feel an adult child is 'sucking her dry' if the child needed some sort of help or support if the child was laid away after a big injury, or surgery, or whatever. Families and friends help and support each other, and the roles switch around sometimes, it just depends on the situation. That is wonderful and right and is not a thing to feel guilty about. Sometimes things happen and we get a longer-term challenge to struggle against. You know what, that is pure chance. You didn't order that purposely off of a "Life Challenges Menu".  It is chance. And you are reaching out, struggling, against ilnesses whose very nature make that INCREDIBLY HARD TO DO.

You are beautiful Gardens. Your wit and perspectives and caring thoughts toward others put a smile on my face. 

Thinking of both of you. xoxo


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## making_art (Dec 6, 2012)

My thoughts are with you today, Gardens.....hope you are in the hospital or otherwise getting the support  and help you need...:xunsure:


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## forgetmenot (Dec 7, 2012)

Please let us know how you are hun  I too hope you are getting the support you need and deserve hugs.


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