# I don't know where to turn...



## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

I am seeing a girl with depression issues and is going through AA for sobriety (shes no drunk but it can be dangerous with depression).

Sometimes I wonder if these issues are really doing the talking about our relationship, i.e. she feels like she cant do it (relationship) anymore. I get the impression this is the depression speaking out as we both have deep feelings for one another.

I want to learn and understand more about what to watch for, what to do/not do and so on. I really love her and don't want to lose her. Is there any good articles on this subject that you guys can suggest I read?

p.s. huge shout out to my friend for telling me about this site!


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## Daniel (Jan 3, 2010)

:welcome:

Some threads/articles I found:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depression/5121-effects-of-depression-on-relationships.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depressi...e-with-depression-three-common-behaviors.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depressi...pressed-person-self-care-and-how-to-help.html



> Sometimes I wonder if these issues are really doing the talking about our relationship, i.e. she feels like she cant do it (relationship) anymore. I get the impression this is the depression speaking out as we both have deep feelings for one another.



Yeah, generally speaking, that would make a lot of sense.


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

so when she says she can't do it anymore a couple hours after she's seen me and shes said she loves me....how do i tell if shes saying what she wants or if the depression is making her feel hopeless? is there anything i can do to help her besides reassuring her?

I know she's had issues with her prescription as they ran out lately....


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

Welcome to PL. 

Depression is a tough one.  I also suffer from depression and just recently joined AA.  I personally think that the best thing you can do for her is to not take things that she says or does "personally".  Meaning that, when we're in the depths of depression, our minds can really be a whirlwind of thoughts that may or not be 'true' - but at that moment 'appear' to be true because of our skewed impressions.

If she feels that she can't do the relationship anymore, give her a bit of space and time.  Maybe a relationship is too much for her at this time.  But, it doesn't mean that she can't come back to you a little later on.  Sometimes, loving someone is really about giving them the space that they need, listening to their cues, to what they're saying.  You can always tell her that you love her and that you're there for her if she needs to talk - keep the communication lines open, so to speak.


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## Daniel (Jan 3, 2010)

> I personally think that the best thing you can do for her is to not take things that she says or does "personally". Meaning that, when we're in the depths of depression, our minds can really be a whirlwind of thoughts that may or not be 'true' - but at that moment 'appear' to be true because of our skewed impressions.


She may even think she is an undue burden on you -- that you would be better off with someone else.


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

Daniel said:


> She may even think she is an undue burden on you -- that you would be better off with someone else.


Last night she got upset because i talked about a few other girls, i told her 3 that were hitting on me at the bar....she took that as if i was saying, it's a competition for her (which it is not, she means the world to me).


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

A good rule of thumb - don't talk about other women.  She knows that you're appealing - she's with you. Talking about other people hitting on you is a good way to push the jealousy buttons, and is soooo unnecessary.  While you say that she doesn't have to worry, when you tell her these 'types' of stories - here's what she hears:"OMG, that girl was gorgeous and, she wanted me.  I wonder if I had a chance with her?  Maybe I can do better than *the current girlfriend*?  And that other girl, she was ok too - really like *particular part of her body*...


I know,  a wee bit insecure.  But, that's what depression does to a lot of us.  When she's feeling a little better, she'll be more confident.  And, at that point - here's what she'll think: "Ha, see, I have a sexy man - and he's all mine".


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

ya, i know, that wasn't what the intention was...it was suppose to be like wow, he's really into me and i dont gotta worry about other girls hitting on him. that was more of a common sense one which i messed up.


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

Yes,  we all make those mistakes J.  It's just that she's depressed right now - when you're depressed, everything, every thought, every emotion, every need is skewed.  It's just part of depression.  It's hard to understand for some of the people who love us because it is such a different world, really.  

I'm not faulting you.  I have a hunch that, if she weren't depressed, she would have taken it the way you intended it.


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

Any tips on how to identify when she's depressed?


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

Hmmm...that's a tough one.  I don't know her personality.  And I'm someone that can put on the happy face.  At work, I'm known as 'smiley' because I'm constantly smiling. But, I can tell you it's exhausting...The smile is sometimes quite fake.

Some of the common factors:  extreme fatigue (she can stay in bed a lot longer than normally), loss of appetite or even increase in appetite, being indecisive about everything.  For instance, not knowing what to eat for a particular meal because nothing is tempting.  A loss of interest in activities that used to really appeal to her...That type of thing.

Best thing though - just ask her.  With those closest to me, when asked, I don't lie.  Mostly because it provides them with an explanation when I don't answer my phone or I don't want to see them - it has nothing to do with them.  I took the time to explain how depression affects me...So maybe just take the time to talk to her about it?


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

I know in one sense I am not helping. i.e. we stay up late at night, neither one of us wants to say goodbye, usually till 5-6 in the morning.

Starting tonight I'm trying to go to bed at 12ish which will help her go to bed early too.


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

With depression, a regular schedule is really important.  I'm happy to hear that you'll help her to make a routine for herself.  For me, that's half the battle right there - getting enough sleep and getting a good diet into me.

Good luck J.  There's something very sweet about you're being willing to help her - so, thank you.


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

She means a lot to me, which is why I'm trying to learn about this stuff...I'd go to the end of the world to help her. I think she knows this but sometimes she worries it's too good to be true.


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

Sometimes, having someone care about us that much is enough of an incentive to encourage us to want to work at it too. 

Good luck, J.  And don't hesitate to post more questions when you have some.


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## jfrompe (Jan 3, 2010)

I am looking for any good reads on the subject


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## Jazzey (Jan 3, 2010)

Daniel provided you with a lot of great links.  I'll look around and see what I can add to it.


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## attical (Jan 6, 2010)

First off, she should get back on her meds and see her Dr.  He has simple tests that will show the level of depression.  If she is clinically depressed, various symptoms will be visible almost all the time.  If her depression is less, the Dr. can probably assist her to a better level, at which she could go on mood stabilizers.


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## Yuray (Jan 7, 2010)

jfrompe said:


> Last night she got upset because i talked about a few other girls, i told her 3 that were hitting on me at the bar....she took that as if i was saying, it's a competition for her (which it is not, she means the world to me).



What were your motives or intentions while making this statement? How could such a topic ever come up in a converstation?....If she asked you if you were hit on by anyone at a bar, I could see your statement having relevance. So, search your thoughts for the true reason for speaking as you did. When someone means the world to me, the *last* thing I would do, would to have them doubt the duration of my presence in their life. 

Sometimes its best not to tickle the foot of a sleeping lion for attention.


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## jfrompe (Jan 14, 2010)

cuz i want her to know that i could care less about anyone else but her.

i've gotten a pattern down with her and its facebook. she seems to get depressed on facebook about us and goes off the deepend. Do I just log off when she does this or how can I really get to her.

We have a lot to look forward too and she means a lot to me.


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## Lana (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi J,
I don't understand what you mean by this:


jfrompe said:


> she seems to get depressed on facebook about us and goes off the deepend.


  Could you elaborate a bit more, please?


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## jfrompe (Jan 21, 2010)

It's obvious she becomes more depressed at night as thats when everything bad comes up. She gets to the point of talking about ending our relationship, i.e. our fb relationship status. 

She has a horrible sleeping pattern which consist of next to no sleep, often up till 5-6am. It doesn't help that she works part time but the part time work is all normal hours, not late nights.

How do I get her help? She's pretty independent and stubborn.


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