# So broken



## forgetmenot (Jun 30, 2015)

no repairing me


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## PrincessX (Jun 30, 2015)

What do you mean, forget me not? Hugs. You are so valuable on here, so kind and generous to everyone! Let us know if we can help you once.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 30, 2015)

one is truly alone with the darkness and the pain they are.
i don't know how to fight it anymore not when hope leaves  not when triggers hit i don't know how to fight i just want it to end so badly i do.
sorry going to try to sleep now  see my ttherapist soon  take care of me he says  why  why take care me  no reason why to do that now.


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## PrincessX (Jun 30, 2015)

Just try to relax now, forgetmenot. No need to think and torture yourself with thoughts. Get some sleep and go talk to your therapist as soon as you can tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day.

---------- Post Merged at 10:26 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:22 PM ----------

We all get overwhelmed when tired and left alone with dark thoughts. Take a break and get some help, please. It is so much better if you just go sleep or relax for a while, take a shower, have a tea, whatever gets you a break from your thoughts.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 30, 2015)

See my T on July 2  tired now your right i need to sleep


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## PrincessX (Jun 30, 2015)

Good night. Thinking of you.


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## GDPR (Jul 1, 2015)

I hope after some sleep you will be feeling much better forgetmenot.Just hang in there and try to remember whatever you are feeling will pass,it may not feel like it ever will,but it WILL.

If you need to,maybe you could call your T,or maybe even email or something?When I have been in your shoes,having contact with my T in some way has been helpful.


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## PrincessX (Jul 1, 2015)

Or use crisis resources if this persists. You can just call some help line? Hope you feel better today.


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## MHealthJo (Jul 1, 2015)

Hope a little relief comes to you FMN... 

Even if sometimes the only reason you can think of to do something that takes care of you a little, is that it may prevent the struggle from getting to the darkest and most difficult places, or it may lift a person away a bit from the darkest and most difficult places....  maybe one way to think of it is, that that is still a good enough reason...

Hug to you FMN.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 1, 2015)

ok  slept a bit today  took shower washed hair  little things i know but it takes so much effort to do these things
going for a walk now to the  pond  new baby beaver there  one would think that after all this time those words those fears and emotions would go away  wrong  they do not lessen   
i am not in crisis mode now thanks for all who reached out to me  i am just so very sad now that all just sad and tired  so i will try to go for awalk but my body saying go lie down again 
It was like i was back there again  and i had no power no way to find her and i was truly lost again dam fears never mind it is over now sorry


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## MHealthJo (Jul 1, 2015)

Glad you are at a different place a bit now FMN  and that you were able to let yourself talk a bit and let us hear those feelings. 

Sorry for those times that come back to you. 
Hugs


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## forgetmenot (Jul 1, 2015)

amazing how tired one gets after these episodes so i am going back to bed for an hour before i have to go out again  sleep is a good way to just escape sometimes


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## forgetmenot (Jul 2, 2015)

Each time i have one of these attacks it is like a piece of me disappears 
i lose something i die some more  
Therapist says i have to find a different way to not be triggered  i need to make different reactions to the fear 

listen to music i said try to listen to music keep my mind from going there
try to stay in the present tense  don't keep trying to find that someone  just keep present 
sleeping sometimes helps me but most time i cannot sleep

go for a walk but i tend to wak to water not safe really for me to go there 

go for a drive  again i just drive and drive and drive aimelessly just drive trying to outrun the emotions  ithink

i don't know how else to prevent me from being triggered
i cannot afford to lose anymore of me 

another night to get through hate night time but i will try to not stay up too late

therapist ask me another question  but i don't want to talk about that person 

anyways have to find ways to stop the triggers  from taking me away 
still shaky a bit fear alway there always.

---------- Post Merged at 10:44 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:22 PM ----------

looking at moon now  full moon colors a orange and blue and white very bright moonhave to keep present ground myself to here and now  to here.


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## Harebells (Jul 3, 2015)

Hi forgetmenot. Sorry you're having such a rough time of it. Do you get these attacks often? Is there anyone who could stay with you or do you prefer to be alone when you're feeling like this? Hope you have some kind of support available to you anyway.

The moon sounds beautiful. The sun is just about to rise here - very pinky-lilac sky. Lots of birds singing.

Hope you're having a restful sleep as I'm writing this!

The baby beaver sounds adorable. Do they usually have just one baby at a time?

Feel better soon x


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## forgetmenot (Jul 3, 2015)

i am very very tired  it seems attacks are more frequently now  just things happening  i cannot control anything  i am just  not well 
i run  i always run and hide i don't want people near me   i need to sleep but have responsibilities  i will sleep later i hope 
pink sun in morning my aunt would always say storm is on the way then
anyways 
Have not gone back to
pond it is a fair walk and i did not have energy to ge back last time 

 i do think baby beaver is on its own i have not seen anymore unless they stay in the den
sorry i am just sad now just sad  thanks for caring  i wish i wasn't so sad.


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## Harebells (Jul 3, 2015)

Take as much rest as you can. Is there any one else who could take over some of your responsibilities for a while? Do you still feel in crisis? Like PrincessX said earlier in the thread you are always so kind to everyone. You always say something that is truly comforting - I hope you can say the same things to yourself and take good care of yourself while you're in a dark place. I know it's said a lot that people shouldn't isolate themselves but I understand, I also need to get away and be by myself when things are hard. It's horrible to find yourself returning to feeling in pain, can feel like back to square one. Did anything trigger it in particular?

No storm exactly but was really windy here today, but then it generally is!

I hope you feel better soon and replenished. I don't really know what to say but thinking of you.


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## PrincessX (Jul 3, 2015)

Me too forgetmenot, I am also thinking of you.

Hope you recover soon. As Harebells said earlier, would be nice if you have a close friend/relative to stay with you.

I would not drive in crisis. I think driving is too dangerous when you feel the way you do, although it gives you an idea of the amount of distraction you need to get out of your current state of mind. I mean, driving is dangerous, but it requires you to focus only on the road, instead of dig deeper in your thoughts. Maybe, you can think of another simple activity, that you are used to doing and requires you to focus most of your present attention on?
Like knitting, or reading, or I do not know really, depends on what you like.

Did the therapist suggest you build up a plan for the next time you are in crisis? Or if the crisis continues? Things like what are you going to do to help yourself, whom are you going to call?

Do you consider seeing a doctor if you keep feeling like this? Maybe they can help with a prescription or advice.

Good luck, get better soon!


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## forgetmenot (Jul 3, 2015)

I am ok now  i am told to do something different when i am triggered  like listen music but i cannot do that  i have to have some kind of control so i went and drive and found the one missing  i am ok  i have that person with me now so no more crisis i am  safe now and so she  safe now  

i know i should not drive but i have to find someone i have to drive i have to stop the fear stop the sadness so if i sit and do nothing the anxiety takes me too far away 

i did call someone this time  i called and told him what i was doing i had direction this time not driving aimlessly this time.

No no doctors  i don't want to go there but right now everyone is safe now so i am ok now i am going to bed soon i really am exhausted  one day at a time right that is what i do take one day at a time thanks for understanding

Just don't see hope anymore  hard to keep going when hope is gone


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## GDPR (Jul 3, 2015)

I am sorry you've been having a rough time forgetmenot.I get it,I understand what you go through.

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now,but when was the last time you turned your music up loud and danced?Like danced through an entire song?I do it sometimes and there's no way you won't feel much better afterwards.When I'm having a rough time and I can make myself actually get up and do it I feel so much more grounded,it gets my whole body moving and just makes me feel so much better and clear headed.

It's worth a try.

---------- Post Merged at 09:54 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:48 PM ----------

I realize how that sounds,and I thought it sounded stupid too when I first read it somewhere,until I tried it.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 3, 2015)

No life in me now  iwish i could do as you say  LIT   I can breath tonight knowing someone is safe now  for now anyways  i will maybe one day do as you say Saying goodnight soon  i think maybe i will sleep some tonight  thanks for your advice and your care


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## Harebells (Jul 4, 2015)

Glad you are doing ok and that everyone is safe. Take care, keep us posted:mouse:


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## forgetmenot (Jul 4, 2015)

not really ok but ma birthday tomorrow  i don't want to be here now  but i have to be here dam it


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## GDPR (Jul 5, 2015)

Happy birthday to you!

I hope you are having a good one.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 5, 2015)

LIT said:


> Happy birthday to you!
> 
> I hope you are having a good one.



It is mother birthday not mine  but she had a good day thanks LIT


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## Jesse910 (Jul 5, 2015)

Forgetmenot, I hope that you were able to see your therapist.  Continually, I have learned  that issues come up and one of the best things we can do is ride them out until we can get the assistance we need to move on.  The everyday things were suggested to you are things that others and myself implement for ourselves just to bring a sense of normal to our lives.  Often times, we wing it.

I understand wanting to quit.  I get that within myself often.  The key for me is to keep looking for the bits of joy in my life.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 6, 2015)

Little joys  Jessie are hard to be found these days
 i do push myself outside sometimes
it is there in nature some little joys exist 

 i saw baby pheasants the other day so tiny so tiny they were in middle of road 
 Mom pheasant sat right in front of us in road hitting her wings on the road to alert her babies to run for safety 

She put herself in danger to protect them and she did not leave until each one of them were safe  amazing to see such love she had for them  
I don't have the ability to save the ones i love no hope i cannot protect or keep them safe  
Fear  sadness just emotions but very strong ones.
  I will try to find more little joys to keep me going i don't know what will happen but i will continue to try that is all one can do thanks Jessie.
Another day for me to get through and i will somehow  and i hope your day is filled with more little joys then darkness Jessie  take care.

---------- Post Merged at 10:27 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:59 AM ----------

So got myself to get out of house  lol power went down so mall was shut down  so i am home now but i tried and the drive alone helped some


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