# I was just a child ...



## Darkside (Dec 8, 2012)

Last night I had a vivid dream about confronting my abusers. When I awoke I remember thinking these words, "how could you, I was just a child."

In the dream I was sitting at a table with my mother and my sister. My brother and father were not there. (they were abusers too, but both are dead) There was another male at the table and he was supporting me. I couldn't see this person clearly to recognize who it was but it seems like it was an older cousin. I know that in the symbology of dreams this older male is probably a projection of my adult self. As I confronted my mother and sister (don't remember specifics about what I said) my mother's image seemed to fade from the dream and my sister became the main focus. She became angry and denied what I was saying and got up from the table. At first I let her go but then I pursued her down a crowded sidewalk. I had trouble catching up to her, but when I did catch up to her I began to tear some papers that I had in my hand ... I ripped them to shreds and either dropped them at her feet or threw them at her.

There are some other details I have forgotten, but the theme of the dream was confronting abusers. I have never had a dream like that before but it actually has had a calming effect on me this morning and it confirms that I was actually abused. Clearly the abuse is buried in my subconscious and some of it I don't remember. But the dream was vivid and it was emotional -- even passionate. For the past year or so, and particularly the past few months, I have been struggling consciously with whether I was really abused or if maybe I was just a bad child, but to experience a dream like this convinces me that these people (my family) really were cruel to each other and to me. These things have distorted my adult life (angry and paranoid a lot) and I think my subconscious was telling me, "yes, it *really* happened and you were JUST a child, but it's going to be okay."


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 8, 2012)

There's something profoundly sad and yet so true about the phrase "I was just a child..." I'm sorry you went through bad stuff.


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## GDPR (Dec 8, 2012)

I'm sorry you went through bad stuff too.

It amazes me how the mind works and protects us from abuse. And I have always heard that our mind will allow us to remember when we are ready to handle it. Maybe you're headed in that direction.


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## AmZ (Dec 8, 2012)

So sorry to hear this too. It's so painful to hear. 

I REALLY hope that you find some peace from all of this destruction and that you become a stronger person for YOU and recover from this torment that you must be going through still, all these years later. 

Feel good. All the best.


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## Darkside (Dec 8, 2012)

Lost_In_Thought said:


> I'm sorry you went through bad stuff too.
> 
> It amazes me how the mind works and protects us from abuse. And I have always heard that our mind will allow us to remember when we are ready to handle it. Maybe you're headed in that direction.



Thanks. I hope so.

Today was interesting. My 92 year old mother fell and broke her hip. I have POA so I have to sign everything and make arrangements for her care. (I'd rather not, but I don't have much choice.) She had surgery this week and today went to skilled nursing for rehab so I had to go sign her in. (She has dementia too.) Tonight I went back to check on her and had to listen to her complain and ramble on. She talks like she knows everything and is on top of everything but is mostly delirious. I have absolutely no sympathy and or empathy for her at all. I can fake it, but I don't feel it. Every time I see her I walk away thinking I must be a horrible person because I don't have any empathy for her.

On my way home I get a text message from my sister giving me unsolicited advice. She has not lifted a finger to help but sits in her house 100 miles away, says she is coming but never shows up and gives me advice by email and text. This advice was more of a warning that said I was at risk of becoming just like my mother.

Grrrrrrrrr .....

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AmZ said:


> So sorry to hear this too. It's so painful to hear.
> 
> I REALLY hope that you find some peace from all of this destruction and that you become a stronger person for YOU and recover from this torment that you must be going through still, all these years later.
> 
> Feel good. All the best.



Thank you. I hope you are doing okay and starting to feel better.


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## W00BY (Dec 9, 2012)

I had the exact same reaction and the exact same sensation during my therapy.

IN FACT it was one of the first sensations that I "Let" myself feel.

The only way I could describe it was almost a feeling sorry for ones self and not in the sarcastic trivialize a problem sense, a real heart felt sorrow as if all the sobbing and crying I desperately needed to do as a child and was not allowed to just burst out of me.

I was very unnerved by it at first and also because of your conditioning of being nothing and not being worth attention etc you still feel you should not be having what you have been taught is a self indulgent feeling, but it was so intense and that was my exact thought in my head...

I was just a child, how could you have did that to me?

I won't lie that sensation lingered a while and would pop it's head up now and again through therapy, looking back now I feel it was grieving for a childhood that never was and certainly the sensation you are describing was the first step in that grieving process for me.

It also was a direct result of the the therapy working and myself working hard during the sessions so really big non-patonising pats on the back at yah darkside

It's not easy but worth it all I can advise you is I was left with pangs of utter sense of loss and anger and the only way to process it was to have a really good cry, at first I was very uncomfortable and whether I like it or not as these sensations and memories welled up I had no control over whether I cried or not, but now I just let it come get me.

I know what it is now it, it lifts those memories takes them and puts them where they should be and lifts that awful crap placed upon you at such a young age and removes it from your shoulders.

And when the dreams and nightmares come I just let them be_, _you are not that person anymore.


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## Darkside (Dec 9, 2012)

Thanks W00BY. I won't lie ... not having any compassion worries me. I don't want to be like them. I want to be a genuine, real person and I don't mind if that means I cry or scream ... I just want to be me. I know there is a real person inside my heart who really wants to come out, but that person is afraid. I think I am afraid of showing compassion because in the past it meant being manipulated. It was as though true emotion was a sign of weakness and brought out the worst in other family members.

As a result of all this I think I have closed myself off ... maybe too much.

I still cry, but usually when I am alone. 

Like you, most of my sadness/grief is about the childhood I never had, the parents I never had and the brother and sister I never had.

It all seems so sick and twisted but all I can do is try to recover "my self" and go on.


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## Lonewolf (Dec 12, 2012)

I too was a child, but 'his' learning disabilities seem to be more important to them! I have always believed 'he' knew exactly what 'he' and 'his friend' were doing to me! but is that a good excuse? Am i really to blame? 'he' is 7 years older than me! I have always been held responsible for the fallout! Anyone understand? Anyone help me?mg:


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## MHealthJo (Dec 12, 2012)

I an so sorry for your experiences, Reeper...

When any person violates our boundaries we are never ever responsible for what they have done or whatever happens after!! Never!

And even if someone has a disability of some sort, it is still not okay for our safety and space to not be protected! It is the responsibility of the adults in the situation to make sure ALL the young people under their care have safety, security and boundaries protected. Whatever problems some of them might or might not have, those are still NOT more important than those basic rights and safety for each child. Especially it has to be ensured that a younger child is not vulnerable because of their age or size, etc!

There are all kinds of reasons why the right and healthy attitudes and actions are not taken by certain adults. But they are NOT good or healthy reasons! Sometimes bad things happened to them, but they never got healing. So they repeat big errors in judgment and viewpoint. But it is still not right.

 And it is not your fault and it is not because you were less important or less worthy. It is because people have problems and wrong viewpoints and should have done better for you.

Ask for as much support as you need and stay in healthy places, with people who have healthy attitudes, who can remind you that it wasnt you who was wrong, and that you can get healing from this and it doesn't make you less worthy or valuable or important. People just made some very, very big errors in judgment and did not have healthy attitudes that would have been needed to look after you. For that I am so sorry. But here and from therapists, books and lots of other places, you can find support to change the way it has impacted you, and feel better.

xoxo


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## Lonewolf (Dec 12, 2012)

I have spent years trying to make it up to my parents for all the pain they went through when i told an adult what was happening! I was put into care and disowned by my whole family! All these years later, they all live as if nothing ever happened and i have been forbiden to talk about it, to other people and with them, including 'him' as he still lives with them, unfortunately i have obeyed these wishes and still do, because i don't want to be discarded again! I cant be! Reading that back to myself, i suppose i probably deserve all this stuff i've been and am still going through! I need my mum!! There are always painful conversations that i listen to when im with them, mostly started by him as if he's trying to get a reaction from me, but i never comment, i just listen!! I seem to absorb it and it hits me like a ten tone truck whenever im alone and supposedly safe at my home!! Sometimes i feel as if im still a child and i remember the fear and the confusion i felt back then, for some reason it seems even more frightening now as i haven't got the support to help me this time! Im sorry if im wasting anyones time with this, maybe it is self inflicted, maybe im not as strong as i should be, maybe i did this? All i know is that nothing i do will never make me any better! Do people really manage to live with all the stuff a**** leaves you with? I have never been able to let anyone close to me since and thats a shame! Ive LET 'him' ruin everything! He has won!! Recently my grandparents have passed away and it hurt me so deeply that i was unable to say goodbye because apart from the immediate family, everyone else treated me as if i was already dead! Sometimes i think it would have been easier for everyone if i were, including me!! :hurt:

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im sorry, maybe that was too much!! Too heavy!!


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## MHealthJo (Dec 12, 2012)

It is okay to say what you feel here. And you did not say any graphic triggering details, so don't worry.

Your family has created a very unhealthy, unfair situation for you.

It is not your fault and you DON'T deserve it.


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## Lonewolf (Dec 12, 2012)

I have become very emotional! Please, can anyone assure me i won't be in any trouble for what i have discussed? Whenever i talk about this, i get an overwhelming feeling of fear and paranoia! Im frightend!


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## MHealthJo (Dec 12, 2012)

Its okay sweetie. You are safe here. You have not used real names or places. Nobody who is unsafe for you could find out that you are talking about it, if you don't want them to know. xox

--
The things that have happened trick your mind into thinking you are not safe.

You are safe. Now is not then. Nobody knows you are going against their wishes and there is no way they can find out.

Can you imagine a safe person you have in your imagination? Or someone here? 

We are with you. Can you imagine someone is with you physically, making you feel safe? You are not alone now, because you have shared something with us and we care for you.

Also... there is a meditation series I really like at Meditationoasis.com. If you click Listen to our podcast, there are ones there which can help you feel supported, and more safe with your feelings - such as the one for grief, or the inner child.

You are in grief about different things right now and you are not alone. We are here. And there is other support you can find too if you want to.

Many services like phone helplines or chat helplines are there for you 24 hours in case we are not around, and they are totally anonymous too. Nobody can ever find out what you told them.

Keep chatting as much as you want to here.

xx


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## Lonewolf (Dec 12, 2012)

sorry! mg:


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## MHealthJo (Dec 12, 2012)

You've done nothing wrong honey and you are going to be OK. xox 

Give yourself a big hug, put your own arms around yourself, and say "I'm not alone. I am going to be OK." And those meditation mp3s can help you bring up a person in your mind, who comes to comfort you and help you. xox


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## Darkside (Dec 13, 2012)

These things should not have happened to you -- you were *just a child*. It is NOT your fault. Refusing to discuss or deal with what happened, and forcing you to remain quiet even today is just another form of abuse.

I hope and pray that you find a way to recover some of your personal power. 

Do you have anyone who is an advocate for you?


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## Lonewolf (Dec 13, 2012)

I have a mental health worker, but i don't really discuss this aspect of my life with her because im so frightend to!! She is there to monitor my mental health, medication, s/h and impulsive behaviour!! I am not comfortable to talk about any other personal stuff with her because im worried about any repocussions from telling her. It seems safer to speak to someone anonymously, although i still fear being found! I suppose i don't trust people very easily!!


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## MHealthJo (Dec 13, 2012)

Well sweetie, it seems natural that you would find it very hard to trust, because of wrong ways that you were treated. So at the moment if you want to talk about difficult things but you would only trust an anonymous helpline or an online group like this, then you do that at this time.  

Or maybe later, if you would like to talk to a therapist but are too scared, maybe the 'safer' options can help you one day move toward that, if eventually that becomes your goal.

But the important thing is knowing that all this stuff is not your fault, you didn't deserve it, and that you and your feelings are important. So there can be many ways to get used to that idea. Reading books, reading here, and talking here about these things can help you learn those things.

Another thing you could do one day, if you want, is go to a small group for talking about feelings and stuff - usually called a support group. You could choose one that is far away from where you or your family live, and just go now and then if you wanted? You could even change the way you look a bit, different hairstlye and sunglasses!  You would only have to use a first name - make  one up - because you don't get an account or anything. And you can just listen but not talk if you want. So you can still learn, or get support and a hug or something, even if you decide not to say your story.

So  there is pretty much no chance of getting found out by your family, those ways.

You can't imagine it yet, but one day you might not care anymore what your family thinks or knows. But that is not yet and that is okay. So you keep talking here if that is the only way you feel safe honey. Okay? And you might not feel this way yet, but it is GOOD and RIGHT that you are doing that. So great job honey! You have been really brave!  xoxo


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## Lonewolf (Dec 13, 2012)

I'm sorry lol! My emotions are very raw today and i have alot of confused thoughts spinning around my head! Thankyou for your continued advice and support! I'm not up to much tonight! Things are very, very painful!


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## MHealthJo (Dec 13, 2012)

You take care of yourself and rest. xo


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## Lonewolf (Dec 14, 2012)

After opening up a little bit, to you guys recently. I have been so confused about all the conflicting emotions that have reappeared for me, some of which i have suppressed for a very long time!! The strongest ones i feel is guilt and anger, im not good with anger as i have trouble dealing with it constructively and safely! Im totally at a loss now! I don't know what to do with all this stuff!! Its hit me hard and its not going anywhere!! Its doing my head in!! Help!!

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Is this a good thing or is something wrong with me?


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## MHealthJo (Dec 15, 2012)

No hun, feelings can be very difficult to deal with especially when a person:
-was not taught how to, in a healthy way, when they were young
-was taught that their feelings were bad or not important, and when 
-the person has legitimate awful, sad, angry feelings because something very wrong happened to them, ESPECIALLY if the person then got blamed, shamed, rejected or ignored after speaking up about it! This is very very wrong and abusive for a family to do.

All of this is why speaking to a good, caring therapist/mental health professional can be really really important when we can get ready to do that. They can help us the most with these feelings.

 Feelings like these are important, to learn that what happened to us was WRONG. WE were not wrong. Once we really learn that and learn lots of new things, we can feel much better and have a new life. But these feelings are very hard to cope with on our own and without caring help to guide us through. Sometimes medicine can be really helpful too. Sometimes feelings are too hard and too rough as we are dealing with them. Therapists, psychologists, your mental health worker, and doctors can help us a lot with the tools that we need.

These feelings are very hard. But if we push them away it is only worse in the end....

Is there any way we could help you be able to get more help from helpers like the ones above? What would have to happen or change for you to be able to take that step?

We are with you on this difficult jouney.

xox


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## Darkside (Dec 15, 2012)

thereeper said:


> After opening up a little bit, to you guys recently. I have been so confused about all the conflicting emotions that have reappeared for me, some of which i have suppressed for a very long time!! The strongest ones i feel is guilt and anger, im not good with anger as i have trouble dealing with it constructively and safely! Im totally at a loss now! I don't know what to do with all this stuff!! Its hit me hard and its not going anywhere!! Its doing my head in!! Help!!
> 
> ---------- Post Merged at 06:59 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:00 PM ----------
> 
> Is this a good thing or is something wrong with me?




No, I think it is actually healthy. It seems like we when first start allowing ourselves to feel only bad feelings come out and I think that is because those are the ones we tend to suppress. I can tell you from my own experience that "bad feelings" are not all you will feel. It may appear that way at first but keep working on it. As you heal you will feel like the rock in your stomach is dissolving ... sometimes it feels to me like ice is melting. I'm 58 and I have spent a lifetime learning to tolerate and live with my emotions rather than act them out. It ain't easy, but it can be done.

My mother told me a story - actually two stories about funerals back when her mind was clearer. One was about the funeral for her brother who was killed in WWII. She was so afraid that her family was going to embarrass her by openly grieving at the service that she told me she went to the minister the day before and asked him to make the service short. (I actually think she was more worried about her own feelings of grief which she would not allow herself to feel.) Thankfully, he didn't listen to her. So people cried in the church and at the graveside and all she could talk about was how mortified she felt at this open display of grief.

A few years ago she went to a cousin's funeral -- he was actually my age with young children and they wept openly at the graveside for their father. She talked for days about how inappropriately they behaved.

As a child any open display of anger, joy, grief or other intense emotions by myself or my brother and sister was not only frowned on but sometimes punished. The consequences of that kind of parenting is deep and long-lasting. They didn't know how to handle their emotions because their parents didn't teach them so they had no way to teach their own children except to say, "stop doing that you are embarrassing me."

I'm reading John Bradshaw's book, "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" right now. I've read it before but didn't understand it. Now I do. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering as an adult from crappy parenting.


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## Lonewolf (Dec 15, 2012)

:cry1:


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## Darkside (Dec 15, 2012)

thereeper said:


> :cry1:




You're going to be okay. Hang in there and keep writing here. Don't you find it therapeutic? I sure do.


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## Darkside (Feb 22, 2013)

I finally worked up the courage to go to a therapist and explain that I thought I had been abused as a child. He told me some interesting things not the least of which was the fact that this would take some time and I would likely feel worse before I felt better. I start going every week starting next Thursday.

Never realized how hard it would be to start. How hard it would be face the fact that I grew up in an abusive family and I was the youngest and smallest and the most frequently abused by everyone else. I knew it, but telling another person was much harder than I thought it would be.


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## GDPR (Feb 22, 2013)

Be prepared Darkside....it is very,very hard to open up and talk. But well worth the effort.


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## Darkside (Feb 22, 2013)

Maybe because of my age it will be easier, but I am expecting the worst.

I've dropped some of the illusions (delusions?) I have lived with about my family and started seeing them objectively for the first time over the last year and that has been shocking. I can remember as a teenager going to friend's homes and watching how they were with their parents and siblings and then going home to my house. As I see it now the contrast was stark.

Friend's home = supportive, kind, hopeful, open, accepting, ready to come to the others aid when trouble came, transparent, compassionate, loving, empathetic;

My home = anger, jealousy, conspiring, competing, looking for weaknesses, mean, cruel, insulting, two-faced, or just ignoring each other


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## Darkside (Mar 6, 2013)

Food for thought. I thought the reason I often felt hurt and angry was because my "inner child" felt hurt ... and that is true in part. But it is also true that the feelings of this little guy are steering the car - if you get the metaphor. My inner child is often panicked and frantic because of what he believes is about to happen and so, to continue the metaphor, he is grabbing the hand of my "adult" and the fear is affecting my judgment in the present.

No amount of rational talk seems to calm him when he's upset. I wish I knew (could remember) what happened that caused this panic and fear response. Something happened about age 7-9 ... maybe a little older, but I cannot remember what it was. It must have been traumatic.

I'm seriously considering EMDR.


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## GDPR (Mar 7, 2013)

I totally get what you're saying. 

I have read,or heard,not sure which,that EMDR isn't recommended if there's been multiple traumas. I don't remember why though and don't know if that would even apply to you.


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## Darkside (Mar 8, 2013)

Thanks for understanding. I didn't get the importance of this until my therapist explained it to me. It's like the flip side of the same coin. It can only be explained by trauma ... the feelings from the past are so strong that they influence my judgment in the present. I guess my "job" so to speak is going to be to process those feelings a little better. Seems like it would help if I could remember what happened while I am in therapy. I don't want to spontaneously remember at the wrong time and then fall apart.

You may be right. It might be more than a single occurrence. The therapist wants me to try a couple of things before we go to EMDR like writing letters and then the empty chair. The letters don't bother me, but the idea of talking to other family members who are not present feels intimidating.


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## GDPR (Mar 8, 2013)

I wish I only remembered things during a therapy session,that would be convenient.Unfortunately,I don't get to choose when memories come back.Sometimes it really is hard to deal with them on your own.As a matter of fact,I had a memory come back this past week and I do believe that's what sent me on a downward spiral. I should have went to my session instead of bailing. But I felt too depressed to go.

My therapist had me try the empty chair thing once,except I wasn't supposed to talk to other family members,I was supposed to talk to younger and traumatized versions of myself.It was way too weird and uncomfortable to try and do,so I didn't do it at all.


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## Darkside (Mar 10, 2013)

Have you ever had a memory that was so strong that you were stunned ... almost like you were frozen in time for a few minutes? Not necessarily a new memory, but one that came to you in a way that gave it new meaning - like something that had been there all along, but you missed it?

Once when I was about 12 my father beat me with his belt. There was a small area rug in my room and I rolled myself up in it and lay there in the dark for almost an hour. I had never really forgotten (or repressed) this, but it was abstract like it didn't really happen to me. The other day it came back with such force that I could actually remember how I felt. Suddenly, I realized this was abuse and that it didn't happen to someone else. It happened to me.

I've done the empty chair before. Talking to another person is not so hard, but you are right ... it is awkward when talking to yourself at another age. I can't do that very well.


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## GDPR (Mar 10, 2013)

Darkside said:


> Have you ever had a memory that was so strong that you were stunned ... almost like you were frozen in time for a few minutes? Not necessarily a new memory, but one that came to you in a way that gave it new meaning - like something that had been there all along, but you missed it?.



As a matter of fact,that's exactly how it has been alot lately for me. It's like all of a sudden the fog has lifted and the memories are...different now. Not really different,they're the same memories,it's just that I am seeing them in a whole different way now. I can see the abuse for what it _really _was,and not in the way I perceived it as a child. I can see now that I wasn't to blame for everything that happened to me,like I always thought I was.

I also am realizing all those things happened to _me._They're not seen far away in my mind anymore,like just a dream or like they happened to someone else. Sometimes that realization is hard to accept,but I'm pretty sure realizing it is a good sign of progress(seems like that's what my T said).

I do still have memories pop up that are new to me.At least I always _think _they're new,but then when I talk to my husband about them,he usually says I have told him many times before.He says I remember then forget,over and over,which freaks me out a little to hear. But I really don't think I'm going to forget again this time.Maybe because I have really been working hard in therapy and have stuck with it for 3 years,something I have never done before. My T doesn't think I will forget again either....

Maybe I will actually work through all of this stuff once and for all.

By the way,I'm sorry your dad beat you like he did. Rolling up in a rug was a clever idea though.When my mom beat me,I was able to push the pain away somewhere and not feel it at all,even though I would be bleeding. The only bad thing about that is I still have a hard time knowing when I have been injured and need to see a doctor( I also have a hard time knowing when I am sick).I think I still push the pain away automatically.


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## Darkside (Mar 15, 2013)

You hit the nail on the head ... soundly!! That is it exactly.

That phrase, *"it happened to me"* or *"that was me"* has been very important the past few months. I have intellectualized things for so long that when I remembered something my mind was distancing itself from the event so that it didn't seem like it was me. I didn't identify with the event I was recalling.

There was (and still is) some judgment involved in the memory and for me the path seems to be to stop "judging" (good or bad) and just see it for what it is. When I do that it is easier for me to say, "that wasn't some stranger or other person (disassociation?) ... it was me!

When I can do that it feels good ... it's like it sinks in deeper into my being instead of being "out there somewhere."

Does that make sense to you?


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## GDPR (Mar 15, 2013)

Yes,that definitely makes sense to me.

And it makes it much easier to work through things when you can recognize that it really happened to you and not someone else. I used to tell my therapist all these 'stories',and it was no different than telling him a story I had read in a book or saw on the news or something. It's completely different now when I tell him these things that happened to _me._​


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## Darkside (Mar 16, 2013)

I think that is a really huge step.

For me, the next step is feeling compassion for the little person in the memory. There's a lot of grief in there that is overwhelming at times, but as I work through it I find myself wanting to put my arms around the little person and comfort him and tell him it's going to be okay.

He is still too upset and the trust isn't there yet.


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## Lonewolf (Jun 1, 2013)

I was just a child too, but I have always been held responsible because 'he' was/is ill! And to be honest, I don't think ive been very well since! I am still paying for it!!


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## Darkside (Jun 4, 2013)

Anyone ever seen the movie, _Marion Bridge_?

Very, very powerful.

Being told you are responsible for others mistakes (i.e., for abusing you) because they are ill/sick is itself the worst form of psychological abuse. It is similar to protesting abuse and being told, "you are too sensitive." Abusers do not respect any limits our boundaries and believe that others (usually children, but sometimes adults) are their property to do with as they please. It's twisted thinking brought about by generational abuse that was never questioned.


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## Budoaiki (Jun 4, 2013)

Darkside,

I completely agree I have been struggling with this in my interactions or rather attempted interactions with my family. I have heard that sentence "you are too sensitive" from them more times than I can count when ever they push my boundaries.

It's gotten easier over time because I have learned to hold my ground when antagonize to provoke and attempt to bypass my boundries. I've developed better coping mechanism with therapy through trial and error. The trouble is there are some very destructive long standing behavioral patterns within our family dynamic to the point where my boundaries are constantly tested. It's very hard dealing with people who are so combative and subversive.

Growing up with an absent father always away working, a mother who struggled with substance abuse, schizophrenia and violent tendencies, well needless to say there are some unresolved issues.
With my physical health issues from a car accident and some subsequent conflict over that things aren't easy to say the least and I am the only one of my siblings who's sought therapy. 

My mother has gotten help after a great deal of effort and I've worked through my past with my therapist and through discussions with my mother. She still has issues but I have been able to forgive her now that i understand her and her problems which was no small feat. It took a lot of work and interacting with my siblings is still tense to put it mildly after all we can only change ourselves but the work was more than worth it. 

Guess I unloaded a bit there but I wanted to illustrate my own experience with the subject in question and maybe it can be of help.


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## Darkside (Jun 12, 2013)

Budoaiki said:


> Darkside,
> 
> I completely agree I have been struggling with this in my interactions or rather attempted interactions with my family. I have heard that sentence "you are too sensitive" from them more times than I can count when ever they push my boundaries.
> 
> ...



Sounds like you have had a tough go of it, but that you are finding your way. To me, working through these issues feels a lot like trying to walk through knee deep mud. It's very slow and a real effort to put one foot in front of the other.


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## Budoaiki (Jun 12, 2013)

Darkside,

Yes I haven't the easiest life but the strength and resolve I have found within myself from therapy and a lot of hard work continues to surprise me.

Sometimes that proverbial mud can feel like quick sand but there have been unexpected moments of honest cathartic compassion for and from my family that I treasure more than words can describe.

For a long time I tried to force myself to endure certain behaviors because I love them and want them in my life which quite honestly caused me tremendous harm. I have come to accept that I am only human and there is only so much a person can handle while maintaining focus on their own well being and remain civil in the face of such combative attitudes.

When I reach my threshold with them I calm myself, reassure them that I love them but I need to step away. 

I'd be lying if I said it's easy but right now it's the best I can do and it does get easier with practice.

My advice with such things is this; know your limits as well as those you interact with. We can forgive others and we should be willing to forgive ourselves as we are all only human.

---------- Post Merged at 04:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:43 PM ----------

By "them" of course I mean my family, in re-reading this I thought the context may have seemed like I was referring to behaviors.


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## Darkside (Jun 15, 2013)

thereeper said:


> I have a mental health worker, but i don't really discuss this aspect of my life with her because im so frightend to!! She is there to monitor my mental health, medication, s/h and impulsive behaviour!! I am not comfortable to talk about any other personal stuff with her because im worried about any repocussions from telling her. It seems safer to speak to someone anonymously, although i still fear being found! I suppose i don't trust people very easily!!



I lived that way for a long time too. But I had convinced myself that nothing really bad happened and I had forgiven them for what did happen. Then, a few years ago, I had to live through it again and was re-traumatized. I ain't gonna let anyone do that to me again -- even if I have to be homeless. NEVER.


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## W00BY (Jun 16, 2013)

This is the very thing I think is the most difficult part of where we have been...

Who to speak to and what is appropriate.

Ive not posted for sometime as I have been struggling with many aspects of whats been going on in my life.

Ive had about 4 sessions with my therapist and been very emotional in each of them, when I went this week and she mentioned the emotional state I have been in, I finally found a way of explaining it to her...

I likened the sensation to having an "emotional vomit" every time I have spoke to her.

Back to my point and what I have struggled with ever since trying to free myself from the mental shackles I carry
is...

What to tell people, part of the conditioning of childhood abuse is a VERY tight grip on our behavior for fear of those on the outside really finding out what is going on.

For me this tendency has never left and to try and begin to explain why you didn't say anything or not tell anyone what was going on is difficult in it's self and certainly contains many guilty sensations with it.

But to be emotionally honest is truly difficult because you are not allowed as a child... it has implications of pain, violence fear and trivialization as a child.

And then as an adult you fear upsetting those closest to you that care for you or that in some way you are still to blame or partly to blame and, that is, a heavy rock to climb out from under.

I for the first time this week told my partner a bit of what was going on in my head a touch of honesty about my fears for my son and the hurt and confusion I feel over my fathers death and I could see it was too much for him to digest.

I felt afterwards exhausted to pull complex feelings you have never touched on with someone close to you into a digestible form is incredibly hard and I felt so guilty that I had been that self indulgent and that is the crux of this post.

Honesty will forever be tied to these emotions because of our experiences and at this point I now beginning to understand it is this core difficulty that has hampered everything in my life.

I felt consideration of how my partner felt about what I had to say was more important than what I was saying.

That's before the sense of humiliation, the "I should have kept my mouth shut" and the feelings of being a trouble causer.

I could write all day and still not explain exactly the backpack of crap we've been left to humph about accurately but I am sure anyone who has been in the position will understand.



Ive been robbed of the right to be emotionally honest with others and I doubt I will ever be able to be comfortable completely with it.


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## Lonewolf (Jun 26, 2013)

The tears and the pain came back!! I feel so alone with it all at the moment! Thought I was doing ok! Still waiting for therapy to start! I must have done something so terrible! Please, somebody make it all stop now? Please?


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## Budoaiki (Jun 26, 2013)

Thereeper,

What is it that makes you think you've done something terrible?

I know for me before going to therapy for the first time I felt a lot of apprehension to put it mildly as I was going through all the things I wanted to talk about. In doing that I woke a lot of emotions and feelings with renewed intensity because I was trying to anticipate what I might encounter in therapy. 

I don't know if that's what your feeling but I know it is very common and be patient with yourself therapy moves at it's own pace between you and your therapist.

Kind of reminds me of a Confusian quote;

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."


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## Lonewolf (Jun 26, 2013)

Im just scared, I guess! There has been a lot of emotions coming up from when it actually happened to more recent stuff. I have really tried to reason with them, but somehow I can't get to grips with them! If I am struggling not to internalise them or react badly to them now, how on earth am I going to cope with them once therapy has began? 

I appreciate the fact that I am very lucky to have the opportunity of this therapy and I will try to do my best with it, I am having doubts as to whether im actually worthy of it! 

Sorry, I know it sounds totally stupid!


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## forgetmenot (Jun 26, 2013)

No it does not sound stupid hun  we are taught our worth is not much when we are young  those feelings stay with one a very long time  Just know you do deserve all the compassion and care and understanding ok   You are someone  of worth hun we all are   hugs


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## GDPR (Jun 26, 2013)

thereeper said:


> If I am struggling not to internalise them or react badly to them now, how on earth am I going to cope with them once therapy has began?



First,what you say doesn't sound stupid.Second,try to remember that thinking about doing something is always harder than actually doing it. 

Therapy is going to be hard,but I believe you will get through it all just fine.Sometimes I feel/think I'm not going to make it,that all these thoughts,memories and feelings are so intense that I will die from them.I always manage to pull through though.

Don't forget that we survived what we went through. We will survive therapy too.


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## MHealthJo (Jun 26, 2013)

No you dont sound stupid at all honey. Feelings, whatever they are that we are having, are important and okay. Not stupid. 

I think one of the values of therapy is being able to work through things, but not having to go through the process alone and unguided. Having help and tools and a caring person to understand you as best they can, and be there supportively as you do it, and help you do it as safely and manageably as possible, and at the right pace.

I think that is really going to be different from being all alone with very very difficult, painful feelings, coming on in an unexpected way, and having no idea what you can do to get through it or make sense of it.

Definitely still a daunting prospect and not easy; but something actually designed to ease and assist you - instead of feeling like flying blind without a flight instructor!

So it will be hard, but you can say how you feel and what is hard, and receive support every step of the way for whatever is hard. Doing that, you will get through, and reap benefits. 

(And remember, you will not be having to hide feelings or keep them down or 'control' them, sort of thing, while you are there..... You will actually be able to let yourself feel them and express them and let that be okay, with someone supportive there for you letting you know it is okay. You may find that very healing and may be surprised that, allowing feelings to be there and be felt,  they arent constantly sitting underneath scaring you as much, or become less overwhelming as you become used to them being 'allowed'. Rather than a constant tension and battle to 'control yourself' - like with old ideas that some emotions are weak or wrong or bad or not allowed, things like that.) 

Real proud of you, what a positive and brave attitude as you wait, and good work reaching for support when you feel more worried! 

xx


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## W00BY (Jun 27, 2013)

I think if you canvassed everyone who has had therapy in this site to some extent before or at the beginning they would admit to feeling as you do now.

It is a normal part of the process and sometimes these feelings alone give you a starting point for your therapy

I can be quite honest with my therapist now about my ambivalence towards the process

What you are experiencing is normal and frankly needed to be able to engage in the process positively

You are connected to your feelings rather than blocking them out and able to discuss them here 

It's a major starting point and as you progress you will be able to reflect on these posts and see how your perceptions and feelings are changing

which can be handy

What your feeling is a normal and I wish you well with your therapy when it starts

Give yourself as much time as you need and be realistic in your expectations of both yourself and the process =)


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## Darkside (Jun 28, 2013)

I know exactly what W00BY and TheReeper are talking about. For me it is about feeling defective. Like a toy that was delivered without a part that makes it work. I still look the same on the outside, but my innards are missing ... the things that make me what I am supposed to be. I've lived with a sense of guilt and shame probably since I was a little boy and when I was young I made stuff up because in my mind I thought it made me complete in the eyes of others. Part of it is that I grew up believing something about myself that was not true and so I never really figured out who I was born to be. Instead, it was about who others thought I should be. The words "should" and "ought" carry a lot of power coming from an adult to a child.

Yesterday, I told my therapist I wanted to understand why I had no feelings for my family. The truth is I just don't like them very much - especially my mother and my sister. The only ones I liked even a little were my brother and my father and they are both dead. He said to me, "based on what you've told me it sounds reasonable to me that you would not like them." What I wanted was to be born into a family where everybody cared about each other and in bad times had each others back. I've tried to do that, but I was continually betrayed by the people I thought loved me - were supposed to love me.

I'm slowly realizing that it doesn't work that way. There is no "Ozzie and Harriet" or "June and Ward Cleaver." All families are dysfunctional in some way - but what is different is that people learn to accept each others dysfunction. The difference is the level of selfishness and narcissism. My family only cared about each other IF it was something that would affect them. Everything was conditional - I'll do this for you but I expect something in return"; or, "only if you make me proud." If it didn't work out that way there was no forgiveness - just grudges and professed embarrassment because, "you made me look bad to my friends."

Relationships are not business transactions. They are awkward, unbalanced, ambiguous, contradictory and sometimes unfair. But they survive if they are open, honest and truthful. There was too much lying in my family and as a child I did my best to sort it out. The dishonesty continued into adulthood and with my mother it continues to this day. She will die denying the truth and leaving everyone else to take responsibility.

If there is a hell that is what it is like. You can't leave this life living in delusion about yourself and creating illusions for other people. At some point we all have to accept the truth however ugly it may be.


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