# What's the reason behind getting back with an ex?



## Joseph (Nov 4, 2010)

I am wondering, what's the reason behind getting back with an ex? I do not believe that people really change that much. 

For instance, I was with my ex for two and a half years. We are separated for almost a year. She is trying to get me back but.. I am who I was before and she is who she was before. Why would it be different this time?


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## defect (Nov 4, 2010)

I was in a relationship for 5 years, off for one year, then we tried again.  We lasted another year, we got engaged and then broke up.
The reasoning is that we both loved each other madly and still do (we broke up 6 years ago) and always will.  We were both willing to try again because of this love and hoped we could find the tools to get through the problems this time around.  We never found those tools.  
It is inevitable that you have both changed within the year, even though it may not be apparent right now. It is up to you to decide if you want to pursue this relationship with your ex, and be committed to being open-minded and actively searching for new ideas for problem solving through your difficulties.  
I don't regret trying again, but I might regret not trying.  Very unfortunately, love is not always enough, but sometimes it's worth it to give it all you've got.  Is it worth it to you?


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## Yuray (Nov 4, 2010)

> I am wondering, what's the reason behind getting back with an ex?


Lonliness, guilt, love, fear, pressure, financial, new perspective, comfort, familiarity, the grass wasn't greener, any port in a storm



> I am who I was before and she is who she was before. Why would it be different this time?


Have you asked her why she wants to get back? Do you want to get back? It might be different this time because mistakes were realized, and won't be made again.


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## Joseph (Nov 4, 2010)

Oh, I forgot to mention that I was looking to find rational reasons. 



> Have you asked her why she wants to get back?


She told me that she realized that I am the love of her life and she made some mistakes. She was very jealous and selfish.



> Do you want to get back?


Well.. 50% yes, 50% no. Emotionally I am aware that I need someone but rationally I have reasons to believe that it is going to be the same. I believe the best is to chill and be patient until I find a "better match".




> It might be different this time because mistakes were realized, and won't be made again.


Won't be made again?... that sounds like wishful thinking. 

When we discuss she still can't shut up and listen my point of view. I am not asking her to think the way I do and agree with everything I say but I am asking her to listen. She has her opinions and points of view and that's it. She sticks to those. After two and a half years of relationship she still doesn't know me...

She is trying to get me back with "we were happy together", "you won't find a better match", etc. instead of just seducing me. 

She wants to get back as we were before, move together and stuff but.. almost one year passed, she had a few partners and attempted a relationship with at least one of the guys, I had an adventure with a woman.. things are different. I can't get back like nothing happened..


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## defect (Nov 4, 2010)

It sounds like you know what to do, and you know your reasons, no?


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## Yuray (Nov 5, 2010)

Have you been intimate with her at all during the seperation? 



> instead of just seducing me.


I'm not sure how to interpret this. Do you mean that if her approach (perhaps even by stealth) was different, you would be more interested?

 Is couples counselling an option? If she changes, are you willing to change? You have a lot of power at the moment over someone elses future, and in a way, when any of us has that much power over someone else, we exercise it at times with poor discretion, when a simple yes or no will do, without further discussion. 



> I have reasons to believe that it is going to be the same.


Then you shoud leave if the reasons are valid enough.



> I believe the best is to chill and be patient until I find a "better match".


Then do so, and don't look back. It doesn't sound like there is much love present.



> What's the reason behind getting back with an ex?


What do you feel appropriate reasons are? or aren't?


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## Joseph (Nov 5, 2010)

> What do you feel appropriate reasons are? or aren't?



Hmm.. that's a tough one.. You know, if we are bot mature enough (emotionally), there is a possibility to change what was wrong and commit to what's best for us as a couple. In my case, I saw these days that even if she's 32 and I'm 29, I am much more mature. 

Example: She told me that she want's us to get together again. I told her that I do not want a relationship. A few days before that I told her that I no longer love her.  She seemed to understand for a second but than she acted like I was saying "yes", she asked me when I will go to her place, she told me that her mother will be moving out, because of me moving in - she knows that I will not accept to live with her mother too, and that I should go/move there. At 32 she is still living with her mother - that doesn't sound mature to me. 
I told her "no" again. She couldn't take it as an answer and asked for lot's of explanations hoping that she'll find something that will make me change my mind... She couldn't.
Than, she acted like a victim. She told me that she is not feeling good but I won't feel good either. 
When we broke up last time she told me a lot of bad and ugly things, she threatened me and "revenge" seemed to be her plan. Me, on the other hand, I am aware that when a relationship ends if we are looking to find the guilty one.. we are both guilty. I accept that it is over and move one. I always remember the nice parts, never threaten of swear etc. I do my best to handle the pain and accept the reality as it is.


OK... I am aware that I did not directly answer your question so, here it is.

I feel that the appropriate reasons are:
- we both are in contact with our needs and we can express them as they come up, in a mature and respectful way. Assertiveness should be the key here.
- we both can accept that our partner is a human being, therefore, he/she is not perfect. Finding ways to change the partner is suicide for the relationship.
- we know that our partner did not come into our life to save us or act as a paternal figure/surrogate. Symbiosis is not a good idea.

Wrong reasons are:
- pressure (In my case her internal pressure, she's 32..)
- loneliness and despair (the fact that she couldn't find a better partner does not mean that she should get back with me)
- sexual hunger (I am guilty here )
- to avoid growth (emotional and financial dependency)

These are the first I could think of, but there are many more.

When I decide to end a relationship I have good reasons and, once I move on, I feel that it is better to give a chance to someone else, instead of looking back and trying hard to fix things.


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## dazey (Nov 5, 2010)

I have been in and out of relationships since I was 18-years-old. I suffer from bi-polar manic depression. I have been ill since 1987. I was married to an alcoholic, abusive man. I got out when my children were two and four. I am now dating a cowboy who is a hard worker, but he likes his alcohol. I gave him a choice:  Busch Lite or me. So far, it's me. But it has only been four days. The guy I dated before him, I was with for five years. We had alot in common. We liked to fish, cook, go on the computer, and race lawnmowers. He couldn't handle my illness anymore. We got into a big fight, and I ended up in jail for disorderly conduct. His daughter got married two years ago. I was already broke up with him. I went on Facebook the other night and saw pictures of him at the wedding. I miss him, even though we had some rough times. He is a computer nerd. He is very smart with computers. He teaches a class at a college in ND. I emailed him the other night just to say "HI!" We had a wonderful sex life. I miss that. My boyfriend says now that sex is a bonus. He was married for nineteen years, and then his wife cheated on him and they got divorced. He is very old-fashioned. I miss my ex-boyfriend a lot. I do not think we could ever get back together. He liked his porn. So did I. He lost his job because of looking at porn at work. The song by Cher, "If I could turn back time", is what sticks with me. It says a lot. If anyone has any advice for me, please let me know. I want to stay with my boyfriend I have now, but I miss a lot of what my ex and I did. My ex emailed me a few years ago, and said the if I wasn't so good in bed, he would have left me a long time ago. I still have a copy of the email.


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