# I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia



## OnMeds (May 14, 2009)

I'm 22 years old and I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  It has ruined my life and I don't know what to do in order to make myself better.  At this point in my life, I'm not working and I don't go to school (stigma).  Without my family, I'd be completely socially isolated.  They help in some ways, but we don't talk that often because I usually don't have much to say.  I spend my days hoping for better days.  I almost never seem to get a break from my problems (whether they be real or not) and I am obsessed with trying to get better.  Though, I fear that this _trying to get better_ is making me worse.  First of all, I don't really know what my problem is, sometimes there doesn't seem to be one, while at other times it's obvious that something is wrong.  At least one of my problems is that I sometimes keep obsessing about the smallest things (details, like -> eating the perfect breakfast) and I'll feel the need to go back into the past and constantly think about the same thing over and over again and then ending up being sort of stuck in my head until I've thought of the problem in a certain way...  ...And then eventually I get better and I'm free again.

I'm not sure how else to explain it and I'm not sure if it even needs explaining or if it's even wise to try and make sense of it (of what exactly?).  I'm told that there is something wrong (and I sense it at times, but I'm not sure if there would be something wrong without someone first telling me that there is something wrong) and that's why I want to figure out what's wrong and make things better.  That's why I'm here.  I could use some support and insight.  Thank you! 

By the way, I was normal before the drugs and booze came along (+bad friends, etc).  I only hope that it's not too late... 


Kind regards,
Peter

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I desperately need help and I'll follow any good advise that I get.  

Thank you


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## Charity (May 14, 2009)

Hello, and welcome to the forum! 

The first thing I'm wondering is whether or not you are currently in any sort of therapy? It sounds like you're having a difficult time even defining the exact nature of your problems to yourself, let alone solving them-- and a good therapist can be of *enormous* help on that journey.

Coming here is also a great way to find information and support for just about anything that crosses your mind. If nothing else, you can be reassured that there are lots of us who deal with these incapacitating issues on a daily basis, and you are most assuredly not alone. 

I don't have time to say more now, but again, welcome! I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.


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## NicNak (May 14, 2009)

:hithere: OnMeds aka Peter.  :welcome: to Psychlinks.

Are you currently seeing a Psychologist or Psychiatirst?
What have they suggested to you so far?  

I have found that therapy taught me _a lot_.  This site too has taught me a lot as well. 

Schizophrenia & Related Disorders - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum  this is the link to the Schizophrenia area of the forum

Here is another link about  Stigma and Raising Awareness.  
Attitudes, Myths, Stigma, and Raising Awareness - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum


It is never too late Peter.  Please always remember that.


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## white page (May 14, 2009)

:welcome2:  looking forward to getting to know you OnMeds


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## Halo (May 14, 2009)

Welcome to Psychlinks Peter :welcome2:

Please make sure you review and familiarize yourself with the  Forum Rules and I hope to see you around :wave:


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## Jazzey (May 14, 2009)

Hi Peter, 

Welcome to Psychlinks 

I know that the process can be a hard sometimes.  But from this post, I see a lot of good stuff - it's obvious that you want to understand your illness.  In my books, that's half the battle right there.

Can I ask whether you've sought therapy?  I understand that you're taking medications - that's great.

And I'll share just a little tonight - I currently have 4 diagnosed family members who have schizophrenia.  I won't reveal too much other than to tell you that, with the help of medications and therapy, they lead really normal lives.  For the most part, they're happy.  They have good relationships with other people.  Of them, 2 of them are married.  Each one of them are in the professional realm - and one of them is a psychiatrist. 

And while I won't give you medical advice (I'm not in that field) - They've all had their struggles but, through diligence with their medications and therapy - they're all leading a life that isn't much different from mine.


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## David Baxter PhD (May 14, 2009)

Hello, Peter...

What medications are you taking currently and how often do you see your psychiatrist and other mental health professionals?

Are you familiar with Bill McPhee and his life story?

You'll find a number of helpful articles and resources at:

Schizophrenia & Related Disorders - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Search?:: Psychlinks Medical and Mental Health Support Groups Directory


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## forgetmenot (May 14, 2009)

Welcome, Peter. I too have family members with this illness - 3 in all - and on their medications they are quite stable. My daughter is 20 yrs old and is getting her medications regulated and i see a great improvement in her.  I hope you have a good psychiatrist who will help you through counselling You will get lots of support here take care mary


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## OnMeds (May 15, 2009)

Thank you to everyone for the kind responses.  I feel better already! 

It's good to know that in some ways I don't have to go through this alone.  I hope to meet other diagnosed people who are experiencing similar problems (whatever those may be - I still have trouble understanding what this illness is.  What is it?  I know what it is in some ways, but I don't know which part of me is the ill part, etc...  And it is very different to read about this illness vs. experiencing it firsthand) and get advise.  Also, I hope to read about how some of you cope with your symptoms.  By the way, I'm not too sure about my symptoms either.  For instance, I've read somewhere that a hallucination isn't really a hallucination if the other person doesn't believe that it's real.  Well, when I get "visions," I'm the experiencer and not aware at that moment that it's not real... OR... am I?  You see, I don't know if I truly hallucinate or not.  How can I be certain?  And secondly, isn't _a thought_ a type of hallucination (meaning it's not really there, the thought)?  You see, I get confused by thinking about this stuff.  I just want to understand it.  Please help me.

Part of me is scared to find out as much as I can about this illness because that part doesn't really believe that I'm all that ill.  And it doesn't make matters any better when my father tells me that I'm creating my problems and/or having others (like a psychiatrist) create them for me.  My father had his own mental problems when I was younger and isn't very supportive.



			
				Charity said:
			
		

> The first thing I'm wondering is whether or not you are currently in any sort of therapy?


I have a psychiatrist who I see every 3-4 weeks.  Also, I have a court appointed (for stealing liquor after I ran out of money) support worker (mental health diversion program), but she doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through...  There are other therapies available (like group therapy), but I don't think this would be a good idea at this time (I'm scared of meeting new people now).

How could a therapist be an enormous help if I have trouble opening up?  ...I have a hard time (usually) talking to my psychiatrist.  You're probably right, but I'm just not ready to take that step yet.  However, I did tell my psychiatrist that I was interested in Cognitive Behavior Therapy.



			
				NicNak said:
			
		

> Are you currently seeing a Psychologist or Psychiatirst?
> What have they suggested to you so far?


So far, I've been told to keep taking my medication (which is 5mgs of Risperdal) and that's about it (+the talks with my psychiatrist).  I'm not sure if it's the medication, but I am starting to feel better... Though, I wish this feeling was a little more consistent.



> And I'll share just a little tonight - I currently have 4 diagnosed family members who have schizophrenia. I won't reveal too much other than to tell you that, with the help of medications and therapy, they lead really normal lives. For the most part, they're happy. *They have good relationships with other people.* Of them, 2 of them are married. Each one of them are in the professional realm - and one of them is a psychiatrist.


I'm glad for that (that other people with schizophrenia are living a social life), but I'm not sure that this is something that's in the cards for me. For instance, I didn't attend my cousin's recent wedding because I am no longer a social person and social situations scare me.  Maybe I'll get passed this one day, but my hopes aren't high in this regard.  I have been friendless for the past 2 years.



> What medications are you taking currently and how often do you see your psychiatrist and other mental health professionals?


I see my psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks and I'm currently taking 5mgs of Risperdal.  The psychiatrist has observed some progress, so he didn't increase the dose again.  I'm not sure if I should get it increased.

Thank you for the links, I'll be sure to read all of them.  Thanks, again! 


Kind regards,
Peter

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I think what I experience is called "intrusive thoughts," not hallucinations.  Or is it the same thing?  I want to be strict about this.

And I've got other problems, but I don't know how to describe them.  Maybe I'd get more out of therapy (with my psychiatrist) if I knew how to describe exactly what I'm going through.  Do you think it would help?


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## NicNak (May 15, 2009)

OnMeds said:


> So far, I've been told to keep taking my medication (which is 5mgs of Risperdal) and that's about it (+the talks with my psychiatrist).  I'm not sure if it's the medication, but I am starting to feel better... Though, I wish this feeling was a little more consistent.



How long have you been taking the meds?  Sometimes it take a little bit to adjust to them and for them to take full effect. 

I am very happy you are starting to feel better, that is a great step.

I have found with my Psychiatrist, if I just say how I think things.  What ever is on my mind or concering me even in the slightest about my symptoms.

They know how to figure out how we are feeling.  

Maybe try to write a journal of your thoughts, symptoms or feelings.  This might help too.  Maybe you can ask your Psychiatrist if you can give this to them.

Again, I am so happy you are starting to feel better Peter.  One step at a time.  As the saying goes, "slow and steady, wins the race" 

A very good friend of mine has Schizophrenia as well.  He does very well now too.   He follows the directions of his medication schedule and makes sure he keeps his appointments with his doctor.  He does well.

I am sure you will too


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## forgetmenot (May 15, 2009)

Hi Peter i am glad you are feeling better. My daughter is on resperidone now to and she is doing so much better on it.  Writing your thoughts and questions down is a great idea. This will give you doctor information he may need and use to help you further. Remember little steps at a time. You are doing great to get the help now as the earlier you get help the better outcome take care mary


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## OnMeds (May 15, 2009)

I have been taking my medication for about 3 months now.  

I don't feel so good anymore   !

I'M IN HELL RIGHT NOW :hissyfit: !

I'm sorry.


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## OnMeds (May 16, 2009)

This is why I have thoughts of suicide every single day.  I probably don't have the guts to do it, but I spend time thinking about it and the impact it would have...  I just don't want to feel like this anymore.  It keeps getting worse.

You've all been so great to me and I shouldn't post stuff like this... But it's how I feel.  I guess I need to post it.  I'm sorry  

Please don't take any of this the wrong way.  I feel like I'm evil.  I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, but I don't know what else to do.  I hope for someone to somehow help me.  I don't know how that's going to be possible, but I NEED to try.  I'm sorry.

LIFE SUCKS FOR ME!

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I'd love to go outside now (it's nighttime) and scream at the top of my lungs.  I won't though.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?  PLEASE TELL ME!  *I'm desperate* !


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## Halo (May 16, 2009)

Peter,

The first thing that I would do is to call a crisis center, contact your local mental health center or go to the local hospital emergency if you are seriously scared of what you may do.  Suicide is definitely not the answer and there is help out there.  Just because you haven't found the right help yet doesn't mean that it isn't out there.

The second thing that I would do is contact your psychiatrist and tell him that it is urgent that you see him or at least talk to him about your medication.  Maybe an increase or an adjustment is needed and talking to him may help.

The third thing that I would suggest is that you do continue to post here abotu how you are feeling because many of us have been where you are and it is difficult.  While we can't fix you, give you a diagnosis or make you do anything, we can listen, offer suggestions or advice and just be here when you need us.

Take care Peter and please call someone if you are in need of immediate help. Here is a thread that has all the crisis help line numbers that you need: Suicide Resources


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## Budoaiki (May 16, 2009)

Hello Peter,



OnMeds said:


> I probably don't have the guts to do it, but I spend time thinking about it and the impact it would have...  I just don't want to feel like this anymore.  It keeps getting worse.



Respectively, I disagree with your statement about suicide requiring guts.

I view suicide as giving up on your yourself and a waste because the struggles you've endured up until that point would be for nothing. I think it's good you are thinking about the impact it would have especially concerning how it would negatively effect your family, friends and anyone else who cares about you. 

What I think really takes guts it is to live, to know the burdens you carry, that life won't always be easy and to have the strength to reach out for a helping hand when you need it. 

These are things you are already doing so to me it looks like you have plenty of guts; You know your life could be easier, You are strong enough to admit your faults, You value your life enough that you are working on changes to improve the quality of it.

That takes a lot of guts in my books.


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## David Baxter PhD (May 16, 2009)

Budoaiki said:


> Hello Peter,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



An excellent post!


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## Charity (May 16, 2009)

I'm SO sorry to hear that you're feeling so terrible. Please don't feel like you're alone! There are lots of us here who know _exactly_ how it feels. Remember that we're here to support you any time you need it, no matter how screwed up you might be feeling at the moment. 

As hard it it may be to believe while it's happening, these feelings aren't forever. You CAN come through to the other side and move forward to better days and happier times. Make use of the resources available to you! We're always here. There are 24-hour hotlines that you can call if you need someone to talk to. And as Halo said, you can always go in to your local crisis center or emergency room if you feel unsafe. It's so easy to feel alone and trapped in your own mind, but thoughts are just thoughts and not reality. You're never alone; there are always options. 

Please keep in touch and let us know how you're holding up! :support:


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## OnMeds (May 16, 2009)

I feel like it's over for me.  I can't seem to find the words to express exactly what I'm feeling.  I can't type and I don't know how to say something in the right way, where to put the commas, etc.  It just seems so pointless.  I feel like it's too late and no matter what I do my brain will keep on failing, for example, yesterday at night I couldn't sleep so I was listening to the radio, but I just couldn't seem to focus on what was being said.  It's like I'm going deaf and blind even though there's nothing physically wrong with my ears and eyes.  That's just one part of it.  There's more, much more, but I don't really know what it is.  I mean...  It's almost nothing, but it's everything at the same time.  I feel stupid.  I want to change, but it's so hard and I don't know where to start or what to do.

When I started dabbling with drugs and alcohol I was your normal good-looking smart student.  A few years later.  I'm waking up and I don't like what I see in the mirror and who I've become.  I just think the worst of myself.  I don't recognize the person staring back.  Anyway, that's not really important.  So I've gained about 30lbs and had my nose broken... It's not so bad.  Or it wouldn't be so bad, if only I had a properly working brain.  But I don't.  I can't do anything. I'm doomed.  The future looks bad.  Very bad.  I'm not free, I'm closed off.

My problems remain and they'll continue to remain...  Schizophrenia or whatever I'm experiencing feels like the end of the road.  I'm on my deathbed.  I've imagined it.  It scares me.  Completely.

What should I do when everything looks so bad.  I just want to be me again.  The me from when everything was good.  But what if that me wasn't fine, what if I always had something wrong with me?  That's not true, but I can imagine it as being true.  No one told me because they were trying to protect me, etc.  Besides, the schizophrenia and autism forums are always in the same section.  Maybe.  NO!

Things were really good once upon a time.  I want to be that same person and experience life in that same way.  But it just doesn't seem possible now.  Too much time has gone by.  I've really failed myself.  Could it be good again?  But it won't be like it was!

I once had a 3 week drinking binge after I got sick.  I think it changed me forever.  THAT WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES OF MY LIFE.  I have schizophrenia and I drank alcohol... GREAT!

Now what?  I quit smoking and drinking caffeine today.  And I've been eating super healthy.  I want to do everything I can to help myself.  But unfortunately there are no miracle cures...  I NEED to be told that I don't have schizophrenia.  Life would seem more possible then.

I don't know.  I just don't know.

I wish I could just travel back in time.

:noidea:

Thanks to everyone who has posted.  It does help in some ways.  At least I don't feel as alone.  It gives me hope.  Thank you.  But do I deserve it?  I'm not so sure about that.  Do I deserve to feel good?  Maybe I feel this way because I deserve to feel this way.  Sorry.

Anyway, I thank you!

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This is a good place though.  A really good place!


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## Halo (May 16, 2009)

How would telling you that you don't have Schizophrenia make everything better?  It is just a name, it is NOT who you are.  It does not define you.  What you are experiencing and feeling would be there whether someone said that you have Schizophrenia or not.  You feel how you feel.

Again, I know you are struggling and many of us have been there but I would suggest that you re-read the post that I made above and I hope it helps.


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## David Baxter PhD (May 16, 2009)

First, Peter, none of us gets to choose things like this. Some have one illness, physical or mental; some have another. Some have two or more illnesses or disabilities to cope with.

We don't get to choose the hand we're dealt but we can choose what to do with it.

You have schizophrenia. That isn't fun but it doesn't mean your life is over. 

Above every thing else, it means that you absolutely must continue to take your medications and you absolutely must avoid alcohol and all non-prescription drugs.

Ask your doctor or your family to help get you in touch with support services and support groups. It may seem difficult to do these things but when you see the results you'll be glad you made the effort.

Learn everything you can about schizophrenia - what it is, what it isn't, how it's treated, how to manage the illness, and how to get your life back while living with the illness.

And don't give up hope. Read about what other people have done with their lives in spite of having schizophrenia. If they can do it, you can do it.


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## white page (May 16, 2009)

Hi Onmeds,
I have read your posts carefully, You are so much more than the disorder you have been diagnosed with.

 I know it must seem as if your brain is in the claws of this disorder, believe me that it is possible to return back to yourself , someone very close to me has the same disorder as you.  Her Doctors after searching around for a while with different medications and dosages, this person has now been  stabilised and has been for a number of years with a good and serene  quality of life.       

Feeling that you are close to the edge is part of this disorder, as Budoaiki says YOU HAVE COURAGE, writing as you do of your thoughts and feelings , takes guts , the very fact that you have come here shows that you have a strong life force within you.

May I suggest that you see your Doctor as soon as you can and tell him/her 
how you are feeling , can you do that please .

My best wishes wp


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## forgetmenot (May 16, 2009)

Hi Peter you can't get discouraged. It takes awhile before the doctor can get your medicatiion regulated. My daughter is just getting stable but had to go through what you went through. She had a terrible time but now she is stable but she had to work at it. She also learned staying off alcohol and street drugs is a must or you will not stablize. Give your doctor a chance at getting the right combination of medication for you. You may need a mood stabilizer, just give it time it is not hopeless. You can do anything you want if you just put your mind to it.  My daughter is now talking about going back to college. It can be done.  I think for sure get your parents to set you up with a coucillor for alcohol and drugs and also a mental health coucillor who you can talk with.  Stay strong and be patient Peter it takes time to stabilize I know you have the strength you can do this.  mary


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## NicNak (May 16, 2009)

OnMeds said:


> I feel stupid.



Peter, I assure you, you are not supid.  Just from what I am reading here, you seem like a very intelligent person.




OnMeds said:


> I want to change, but it's so hard and I don't know where to start or what to do.



One step at a time Peter.  As I said, "slow and steady wins the race"  Always make sure you try to be nice and kind to your self along the way.  You are very strong Peter.  




OnMeds said:


> Things were really good once upon a time.  I want to be that same person and experience life in that same way.  But it just doesn't seem possible now.  Too much time has gone by.  I've really failed myself.  Could it be good again?  But it won't be like it was!



Peter, you are very hard on yourself.  You have not failed yourself.  One would never say someone with Diabedes has failed themself.   You are not a failure Peter. 

Yes, things can be good again.  You will see   It just takes a bit of time to adjust the medications and to learn the coping skills from your Psychiatrist.   Over time, things will get easier.  I assure you.  Please do not give up.  




OnMeds said:


> I want to do everything I can to help myself.  But unfortunately there are no miracle cures...  I NEED to be told that I don't have schizophrenia.  Life would seem more possible then.



Life is still possable Peter, it truly is.  The title of any diagnosis can be hard to take, but as others have said.  It does not define you as a person.  There are so many wonderful things people with Schizophrenia have done.  

This was recently wrote up in the Schizophrenia Magazine.  Take a read.  

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/attitude...ising-awareness/17449-racing-to-wellness.html





OnMeds said:


> Thanks to everyone who has posted.  It does help in some ways.  At least I don't feel as alone.



You are not alone Peter, always remember that.  



OnMeds said:


> It gives me hope.



I am glad for this, because there IS hope.  



OnMeds said:


> But do I deserve it?  I'm not so sure about that.  Do I deserve to feel good?  Maybe I feel this way because I deserve to feel this way.  Sorry.



Yes, you do deserve goodness Peter.  We all do.  Please try to remember that.  Having Schitzophrenia is NOT your fault and it is not the end.  

Allow yourself to feel good, while following your doctors instructions.  You will see, bit by bit, you will start to understand your condition better and learn ways to cope.

There are many support groups.  SSC Home Page
This is the Schizophrenia Society of Canada.  I am not sure where you live.


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## David Baxter PhD (May 17, 2009)

Since this thread has evolved well beyond a simple introduction, I have changed the title. I'll leave it here for a bit longer ansd then move it into the Schizophrenia & Related Disorders Forum.


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## OnMeds (May 17, 2009)

*Re: Hi*

Thanks everyone!  I feel much better from yesterday.



			
				Halo said:
			
		

> How would telling you that you don't have Schizophrenia make everything better? It is just a name, it is NOT who you are. It does not define you. What you are experiencing and feeling would be there whether someone said that you have Schizophrenia or not. You feel how you feel.


That's like the third or fourth time someone has said that to me and I just don't get it.  Having a diagnosis changes everything and it obviously affects me in not so good ways.  It doesn't make things better to be diagnosed (not for me).  It had/has a definite NEGATIVE impact on my life.  For one, I drank more... I felt like my life was over.  The more I read about it, the more depressed I became.

Here, I'll give you a good example of what I mean:  someone getting diagnosed with cancer.  Sure, it's just a word to you and me, but to the person who's diagnosed with it, it's everything.  It changes everything.


> Again, I know you are struggling and many of us have been there but I would suggest that you re-read the post that I made above and I hope it helps.





> The first thing that I would do is to call a crisis center, contact your local mental health center or go to the local hospital emergency if you are seriously scared of what you may do. Suicide is definitely not the answer and there is help out there. Just because you haven't found the right help yet doesn't mean that it isn't out there.


I wouldn't have anything to say.  If I'd be ready to kill myself, then I would just do it.  By the way, I'm scared of dying and I think about it on a daily basis.


> The second thing that I would do is contact your psychiatrist and tell him that it is urgent that you see him or at least talk to him about your medication. Maybe an increase or an adjustment is needed and talking to him may help.


It doesn't really help to talk to my psychiatrist because I can't be completely open with him.  I can't seem to be open with anyone, without becoming scared and introverted.


> The third thing that I would suggest is that you do continue to post here about how you are feeling because many of us have been where you are and it is difficult. While we can't fix you, give you a diagnosis or make you do anything, we can listen, offer suggestions or advice and just be here when you need us.


Thanks, I really appreciate that.  I still feel like I don't deserve it.  I haven't done anything on here for anyone else.


> Take care Peter and please call someone if you are in need of immediate help.


I don't think I'd be able to call anyone.  I try to open up to my family or sister at times, but I don't do so well.  It's really hard for me.  I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable with.  I'm just not open to it.  So, what can I do to change that without feeling so overwhelmed? 


			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> We don't get to choose the hand we're dealt but we can choose what to do with it.


I sometimes feel doomed with the hand I was dealt.  It makes me feel that way.  However, I do feel optimistic at times, but it doesn't last long enough for me to make some real progress.  I think I keep making the wrong choices and that's why I end up going through hell.


> You have schizophrenia. That isn't fun but it doesn't mean your life is over.


Well, maybe I don't.  I must have some brain damage, but that doesn't mean it's schizophrenia.  How can I be sure?  Maybe they made a mistake!


> Ask your doctor or your family to help get you in touch with support services and support groups. It may seem difficult to do these things but when you see the results you'll be glad you made the effort.


I've seen results before when I went back to school, but they were short-lived and I ended up going through more hell than I started with.  I don't want to go through that again.  It got really bad.


> And don't give up hope. Read about what other people have done with their lives in spite of having schizophrenia. If they can do it, you can do it.


Thank you.  One thing though:  I was an underachiever before I became ill.  How do I change that now with this illness?


			
				white page said:
			
		

> May I suggest that you see your Doctor as soon as you can and tell him/her how you are feeling , can you do that please .


I have an appointment coming up, but we probably won't discuss things like this - we never do.  My visits with my psychiatrist are usually short (10-15 minutes)...  I don't know how this is supposed to help.  I guess it's up to the medication.


> Hi Peter you can't get discouraged. It takes awhile before the doctor can get your medication regulated. My daughter is just getting stable but had to go through what you went through. She had a terrible time but now she is stable but she had to work at it. She also learned staying off alcohol and street drugs is a must or you will not stabilize. Give your doctor a chance at getting the right combination of medication for you. You may need a mood stabilizer, just give it time it is not hopeless. You can do anything you want if you just put your mind to it. My daughter is now talking about going back to college. It can be done. I think for sure get your parents to set you up with a counselor for alcohol and drugs and also a mental health counselor who you can talk with. Stay strong and be patient Peter it takes time to stabilize I know you have the strength you can do this. mary


I think I go back and forth from being stable to being unstable.  I don't sleep well (waking up 5 times+ a night) and in the mornings I get weird dreams and my head is usually buzzing with something.  I can't seem to concentrate.  My memory is bad.  Etc ect ect.


			
				NicNak said:
			
		

> Peter, I assure you, you are not stupid. Just from what I am reading here, you seem like a very intelligent person.


Thank you for saying that, but I'm still not sure.  My IQ has definitely dropped over the past few years.  I'd like to get it up there somehow, but how?


> You have not failed yourself. One would never say someone with Diabetes has failed themself.


What if they ate a lot of sugar before they became ill?  I did fail myself.  Now, how do I fix it?  I need to know how to fix the brain damage and become a better person.


> You will see  It just takes a bit of time to adjust the medications and to learn the coping skills from your Psychiatrist.


My psychiatrist doesn't teach me anything.


> Having Schizophrenia is NOT your fault and it is not the end.


I've convinced myself that it is my fault.


The answers just don't seem to be there.  I guess it's up to the medication, but what if the medication is making me worse?


Kind regards,
Peter


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## David Baxter PhD (May 17, 2009)

*Re: Hi*



OnMeds said:


> That's like the third or fourth time someone has said that to me and I just don't get it.  Having a diagnosis changes everything and it obviously affects me in not so good ways.  It doesn't make things better to be diagnosed (not for me).  It had/has a definite NEGATIVE impact on my life.  For one, I drank more... I felt like my life was over.  The more I read about it, the more depressed I became.
> 
> Here, I'll give you a good example of what I mean:  someone getting diagnosed with cancer.  Sure, it's just a word to you and me, but to the person who's diagnosed with it, it's everything.  It changes everything.



Not really. You had schizophrenia before the psychiatrist diagnosed you. The individual had cancer before being diagnosed with that illness. The only difference is now you know what was causing the problems you were having.



OnMeds said:


> It doesn't really help to talk to my psychiatrist because I can't be completely open with him.  I can't seem to be open with anyone, without becoming scared and introverted.



That's where a support group might help.



OnMeds said:


> Well, maybe I don't.  I must have some brain damage, but that doesn't mean it's schizophrenia.  How can I be sure?  Maybe they made a mistake!



That's not very likely.



OnMeds said:


> I think I go back and forth from being stable to being unstable.  I don't sleep well (waking up 5 times+ a night) and in the mornings I get weird dreams and my head is usually buzzing with something.  I can't seem to concentrate.  My memory is bad.



Have you told your psychiatrist this?



OnMeds said:


> I guess it's up to the medication, but what if the medication is making me worse?



That's not possible. It is possible that the medication you're on isn't fully effective. You may need to have the dose adjusted at some point or you may even need to switch to a different medication. But the best person to make that decision is your psychiatrist. You just need to make a strong effort to let the psychiatrist know how you're feeling.


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## OnMeds (May 17, 2009)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> Not really. You had schizophrenia before the psychiatrist diagnosed you. The individual had cancer before being diagnosed with that illness. The only difference is now you know what was causing the problems you were having.


That maybe so, but I wasn't experiencing these kinds of problems back then (Ex.  I didn't appear to be schizophrenic during my first mental evaluation.  It was only during my second mental evaluation AND after I told them that my father and his mother have both experienced mental problems in the past, which isn't completely accurate and it definitely doesn't mean that they have schizophrenia.  The inaccuracy sealed the deal for me).  After I was diagnosed I started reading (by the way, I have trouble reading now.  I think it's because I'm having major problems with my concentration.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything.  My mind is always somewhere else and the medication doesn't seem to be helping this... In fact, I think the medication made it worse) about schizophrenia and what it is, AND it started to change me in not so good ways.  Now, that might fit in with this:  the cancer patient may not actually have schizophrenia yet they'll be forced to go through chemotherapy and led to believe that they have something which they really do not have.  I sometimes feel like that, like the person who doesn't have cancer yet goes through chemo and suffers.

Perhaps I do have schizophrenia and perhaps I'm like this because I haven't been taking my meds.  I don't know what to believe.  Both appear to be plausible.




> That's where a support group might help.


That maybe so too, but I'm scared and I won't want to take that next step (towards group therapy) unless something changes - unless my mental state changes.  I see this happening:  I'll be the only one who doesn't say much and I'll feel like I'm lagging behind even among fellow schizophrenics.  That would be a terrible feeling.  I feel bad enough and that's why I try to avoid feeling even worse.


> Have you told your psychiatrist this?


Not exactly.  How will it help?  I don't see it helping...  Though, I will tell him.  Anyway, I think he already knows based on my behavior.


> You may need to have the dose adjusted at some point or you may even need to switch to a different medication.


How will I know if the medication is fully effective?  What's the best antipsychotic medication out there?  What if I'm not really psychotic to begin with?  And what if it never gets better than this?


> You just need to make a strong effort to let the psychiatrist know how you're feeling.


Yelling at the top of my lungs in his office should do the trick!  (I've been having this urge lately)  What else should I tell him?  (Should I show him my posts?)

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

On second thought -> I wouldn't show my psychiatrist these posts of mine (quote: "My psychiatrist doesn't teach me anything" - plus - my thoughts aren't in order and it's just embarrassing...  So, nevermind!

By the way, my psychiatrist told me that he's 90% sure that I do have schizophrenia.  Go 10%!  

If someone is wrongfully diagnosed with a severe mental illness then the diagnosis alone can _potentially_ cause major problems for that person.  I maybe that person (who knows...).  

But there is a strong chance that I do have it.

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

How can I be certain that I really do have schizophrenia?  Is this even possible?


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## Jazzey (May 17, 2009)

Hi OM,

I know that can be scary.  But you really need to trust your primary physician.  in this case, you have an expert telling you the diagnosis.  As much as it can be scary, (and disappointing)  can you just trust them? I know first and that the news isn't always what we what we want to hear. But sometimes. at least for me, that objective perspective is invaluable...And I'm forced to think about my real avenues....


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## David Baxter PhD (May 17, 2009)

Additionally, OnMeds, it's important that you hear this, even though you won't like it: You have schizophrenia. No amount of wishing it weren't true is going to make it go away. Your doctor prescribed the medication because it's the only thing that can help you. It is NOT making you worse; it cannot do that. If you stop taking your medication, you will get a whole lot worse and quickly.

There are times when you just have to accept that your own thinking isn't clear and that you have to listen to your doctors and others who are seeing things more realistically. This is one of those times.


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## white page (May 18, 2009)

Hi Peter,
Dr. Baxter did suggest that you find out all you can about schizophrenia, this important for you, as you will discover that it is in no way your fault, you will also discover what Dr. Baxter says below is totally true and correct.



> Dr. Baxter.
> There are times when you just have to accept that your own thinking isn't clear and that you have to listen to your doctors and others who are seeing things more realistically. This is one of those times.





> What's the best antipsychotic medication out there?


Each individual reacts differently to medication , so there is no best antipsychotic in a global sense, at times it takes a little while to find the medication and dosage which is appropriate for you.

You have written very clearly here all the concerns and questions which are bothering you at the moment, your written communication is excellent , may I suggest that you write down the pertinent questions that you would like your psychiatrist to answer, and consequently take this along with you on your next appointment, at the beginning of the appointment ask your Doctor to read it, saying that you find it easier to communicate your thoughts in the written form. Would that be possible for you to do Peter?

best wishes wp


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## OnMeds (May 18, 2009)

I don't know...  Thinking that they're wrong and that I don't have schizophrenia makes me happy.  It gives me hope.  It makes sense.  I've read about this illness and it doesn't make sense.  There is very little [new information] known about this so-called brain disease and its causes.  It's frustrating.  I keep reading the same thing over and over again and it just doesn't make sense anymore.  Help me.  What do I not understand?  HOW do I fix things?

This is really frustrating.  I'm sad.

Question:  I've heard that it's possible to prevent schizophrenia in people who are predisposed to this disorder, so why is it not possible to reverse it to the point of never getting it (being cured)?  I'd bet that there are people who are schizophrenic and cure themselves but we just don't hear about those cases because they never go for a mental evaluation and take meds (and therefore aren't cursed...).

I feel cursed!

It's all up to the medication, right?  Well, how can I help myself?  (What's the secret?)  I eat very healthy (and lost a few pounds), exercise (some), log-on here, ... ?  What else?  (Oh, and I take vitamin/mineral and omega 3 supplements).  I don't do much else.  Mostly I just try to focus (which can get difficult) on what's on TV.  I always what'd to start studying something and learning, but these meds and my symptoms aren't letting me.  I just sit there in front of the TV, scared for my life and wasting away.  Help me with this.  I need to do something!

I'm sorry if I sound desperate, but that's just what I am.


Kind regards,
Peter

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

I'll try to tell my psychiatrist all of this, but he isn't much help.  I feel like there is no help out there for me.  It's either, I help myself or I don't get helped.  But how do I help myself if I'm in this state?  I seriously believe that stopping that medication would help.  

I don't know how to help myself.


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## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

> Question: I've heard that it's possible to prevent schizophrenia in people who are predisposed to this disorder, so why is it not possible to reverse it to the point of never getting it (being cured)? I'd bet that there are people who are schizophrenic and cure themselves but we just don't hear about those cases because they never go for a mental evaluation and take meds (and therefore aren't cursed...).
> 
> I feel cursed!



There is nothing cursed about you Peter.   I understand the frustration, the confusion and the pain.  But you are who you are - and this has absolutely nothing to do with your 'medical diagnosis'.

As I've said in a previous post, I have a few family members who've also been diagnosed with schizophrenia...one of them is a dentist and the other is a pharmacist and the oldest one is a psychiatrist.  They're now in their late 40s or early 50s and doing well...with the proviso that they've listened to their psychiatrist, taken their medications and accepted the diagnosis as just that - a diagnosis.  

On their father's side of the family, there were other members who suffered from the schizophrenia.  They understood that this was a possibility with their health.  You can't prevent schizophrenia Peter.  I really wish it were that easy.  But, you can be responsible about your treatment once you've received the diagnosis.  And actually lead a very fulfilling, full and happy life.  

Sometimes, when we're so busy battling the diagnosis - we just can't keep living life the way that it was intended...As scary as all of this is, you're obviously bright and strong.  So for right now, do you think that you can just simply learn more about your condition so that you may lead a life that is worthy of happiness and all that other wonderful stuff?  

Your psychiatrist can't help you accept this diagnosis. But he can help you in providing you with the knowledge that you need in order to stay healthy and lead that full life...Maybe that's the best use of your psychiatrist? That he provide you with the invaluable insight about what your specific condition entails, what your best recourses are - so that you can stay healthy and happy? :support:


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## David Baxter PhD (May 18, 2009)

OnMeds said:


> I don't know...  Thinking that they're wrong and that I don't have schizophrenia makes me happy.  It gives me hope.  It makes sense.



It gives you false hope. And it doesn't actually make sense at all, any more than convincing yourself you didn't have cancer wouldn't make sense. Either way, you still have the disease. And convincing yourself you don't may well make it more likely that you won't take the treatment you require for that disease.



OnMeds said:


> I've read about this illness and it doesn't make sense.  There is very little [new information] known about this so-called brain disease and its causes.



Actually, that's simply not true. More and more is learned every day about schizophrenia. There are also more new medications every year and more in development with the pharmaceutical companies on an ongoing basis. There's also ongoing research into other forms of treatment (i.e., CBT, social skills training, etc.) that can help individuals suffering from schizophrenia by augmenting the benefits of their medication.



OnMeds said:


> I keep reading the same thing over and over again and it just doesn't make sense anymore.  Help me.  What do I not understand?  HOW do I fix things?



1. By accepting that you have this illness, schizophrenia. The more you resist this, the longer it will take for you to get your life back.

2. By taking the medication prescribed by your doctor, letting him know how you're doing and how you're feeling so he can properly adjust your medication, and asking your doctor to refer you to support groups and treatment programs in your area that will help you.



OnMeds said:


> Question:  I've heard that it's possible to prevent schizophrenia in people who are predisposed to this disorder, so why is it not possible to reverse it to the point of never getting it (being cured)?



No. That would be nice but it's simply not true.



OnMeds said:


> I'd bet that there are people who are schizophrenic and cure themselves but we just don't hear about those cases because they never go for a mental evaluation and take meds (and therefore aren't cursed...).



I would bet that this is NOT true. Those who don't get treated are more likely to end up in jail, homeless, or dead.



OnMeds said:


> It's all up to the medication, right?



That is the most important, yes, but it's not ALL up to the medication, no.



OnMeds said:


> Well, how can I help myself?  (What's the secret?)  I eat very healthy (and lost a few pounds), exercise (some), log-on here, ... ?  What else?  (Oh, and I take vitamin/mineral and omega 3 supplements).



All that is good for general health but it won't help with the schizophrenia.



OnMeds said:


> I don't do much else.  Mostly I just try to focus (which can get difficult) on what's on TV.  I always wanted to start studying something and learning, but these meds and my symptoms aren't letting me.  I just sit there in front of the TV, scared for my life and wasting away.  Help me with this.  I need to do something!



See my suggestions above.



OnMeds said:


> I'll try to tell my psychiatrist all of this, but he isn't much help.  I feel like there is no help out there for me.  It's either, I help myself or I don't get helped.  But how do I help myself if I'm in this state?  I seriously believe that stopping that medication would help.



Not only would it ansolutely NOT help, but it would make things considerably worse. That would be a very bad idea indeed.


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## forgetmenot (May 18, 2009)

Hi Peter as the others have said it is so important to stay on the medication the doctors give you okay. My sister was in the army 25 years and stable on her medication she won all kinds of awards as well and she had schizophrenia. She trained others she was top of her class. The way to stay stable is to take the medications the doctors have ordered. It just takes time to get stable Peter. You can lead a normal life  mary


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## NicNak (May 18, 2009)

Peter it is very important you listen to the instructions of your psychiatrist and take your medication as prescribed and tell your psychiatrist all the things you mention here too.  Maybe bring a print of this thread to give to your psychiatrist.

They will understand.  They understand us, even if we don't always think they might.  They sure do understand 

You will see, things will get better.  The way to get better is to follow your doctors instructions and to communicate how you are feeling to your Psychiatrist, being open and honest.  Then they know how best to issue the treatments we need to get better.

:support:


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## OnMeds (May 18, 2009)

For the record: I have accepted the fact that I may have schizophrenia.  That's why I continue to take my meds and hope to become stable once again.  Question:  How am I "unstable" right now?  I should know these answers, but I don't.  


			
				Jazzey said:
			
		

> There is nothing cursed about you Peter. I understand the frustration, the confusion and the pain. *But you are who you are - and this has absolutely nothing to do with your 'medical diagnosis'.*


In *bold*:  I kinda wish it did, because I don't like the person that I've become.


> Sometimes, when we're so busy battling the diagnosis - we just can't keep living life the way that it was intended...As scary as all of this is, you're obviously bright and strong. So for right now, do you think that you can just simply learn more about your condition so that you may lead a life that is worthy of happiness and all that other wonderful stuff?


Where should I start?


			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> It gives you false hope. And it doesn't actually make sense at all, any more than convincing yourself you didn't have cancer wouldn't make sense. Either way, you still have the disease. And convincing yourself you don't may well make it more likely that you won't take the treatment you require for that disease.


It doesn't make sense only because you believe that I have been rightfully diagnosed.  I have my doubts for good reason.  False hope is still better than no hope at all, and that's how I felt when I first accepted this diagnosis.  Life is still possible, so they say...


> Actually, that's simply not true. More and more is learned every day about schizophrenia. There are also more new medications every year and more in development with the pharmaceutical companies on an ongoing basis. There's also ongoing research into other forms of treatment (i.e., CBT, social skills training, etc.) that can help individuals suffering from schizophrenia by augmenting the benefits of their medication.


I've been reading the same information for the past 3 years.  It hasn't changed by much.  If so, can you refer me to some place where I can read this new information (perhaps a newsletter?)?


> 1. By accepting that you have this illness, schizophrenia. The more you resist this, the longer it will take for you to get your life back.


OK, I accept my mental illness! 


> 2. By taking the medication prescribed by your doctor, letting him know how you're doing and how you're feeling so he can properly adjust your medication, and asking your doctor to refer you to support groups and treatment programs in your area that will help you.


How will support groups help me when I'm so closed off?  For instance, I just took a walk with my sister and it seemed like we had nothing to talk about.  We used to talk all the time.


> Those who don't get treated are more likely to end up in jail, homeless, or dead.


There could be rare cases (like mine! *kidding*)?  But, yeah, I agree with that for the most part.


			
				Mary said:
			
		

> Hi Peter as the others have said it is so important to stay on the medication the doctors give you okay. My sister was in the army 25 years and stable on her medication she won all kinds of awards as well and she had schizophrenia. She trained others she was top of her class. The way to stay stable is to take the medications the doctors have ordered. It just takes time to get stable Peter. You can lead a normal life mary


I hope so, thank you.


> Peter it is very important you listen to the instructions of your psychiatrist and take your medication as prescribed and tell your psychiatrist all the things you mention here too. Maybe bring a print of this thread to give to your psychiatrist.
> 
> They will understand. They understand us, even if we don't always think they might. They sure do understand
> 
> You will see, things will get better. The way to get better is to follow your doctors instructions and to communicate how you are feeling to your Psychiatrist, being open and honest. Then they know how best to issue the treatments we need to get better


Thank you, that's very comforting!  :friends:


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## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

..You will be ok Peter. I know that this is not the diagnosis that you would like to have heard...I too would have liked to have heard that I'm perfectly mentally fit - but that's not my reality.  So, I'll grab the bull by its horns - we will be ok Peter...Knowledge about our diagnoses...an appreciation for what we need to do to be ok in this lifetime.  You're a smart person, I can tell from your posts.  Maybe even gratitude for knowing our conditions?   This will take time - It took me 10 years to get here. But I won't lie, I wish I'd gotten here sooner.

Cynicism is ok Peter.  Analytical thinking is great - provided that it doesn't impede our recoveries.  I totally dismissed my diagnosis 10 years ago - I genuinely wish that I hadn't been so close-minded about it.  But, I'm willing to do the work now - I'm worth it, just as you are....


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## David Baxter PhD (May 18, 2009)

OnMeds said:


> It doesn't make sense only because you believe that I have been rightfully diagnosed.  I have my doubts for good reason.



It's not that difficult to diagnose schizophrenia when you know what to look for and when you have ruled out 2 or 3 alternatives (which any dcecent psychiatrist would have already done).



OnMeds said:


> I've been reading the same information for the past 3 years.  It hasn't changed by much.  If so, can you refer me to some place where I can read this new information (perhaps a newsletter?)?



Perhaps the Schizophrenia forum here? 



OnMeds said:


> How will support groups help me when I'm so closed off?  For instance, I just took a walk with my sister and it seemed like we had nothing to talk about.  We used to talk all the time.



They will help you to open up. It won't happen overnight but it is something to counteract the social withdrawal and isolation.


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## OnMeds (May 19, 2009)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> They will help you to open up. It won't happen overnight but it is something to counteract the social withdrawal and isolation.


I just don't want to go through with it at this point in time.  Thinking about it makes me shiver.  I feel like there will be all these healthy individuals encouraging me to talk and I'll let everyone down (including myself).  It doesn't seem worth it.  Maybe some time in the future when I'm better.

My goals for now are to become stable enough to start studying Anatomica and/or C++ computer programming.  I have started, but it didn't go very far.  I become depressed and the task at hand seems pointless.  I can't seem to focus on the now.  My mind is off somewhere else, doing something else.

By the way, I sometimes hear a low humming sound and when I move my head to the side it stops for about half a second and then it starts up again.  It's so annoying.  What is this?


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## David Baxter PhD (May 19, 2009)

> I feel like there will be all these healthy individuals encouraging me to talk and I'll let everyone down (including myself).



No. They will be other people in the same situation as you with the same fears and anxieties as you.


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## OnMeds (May 19, 2009)

Isn't this sort of similar to group therapy?  I'm not doing so well.

I just try to get by each day without really doing anything constructive.  I'm wasting away.  I need help.

IT WON'T STOP! 

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

I'll speak to my psychiatrist about all this.  Thank you.


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## David Baxter PhD (May 19, 2009)

You keep saying that: "I need help."

Then people give you suggestions. And you tell them why you can't do what they suggest.

One thing is certain: If you do nothing, nothing will change.


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## OnMeds (May 19, 2009)

I just don't know what to do when I'm in this mental state.  I don't feel right.  And unmotivated <-- part of this is due to the medication.  In the past, I've been told that I'm lazy.  That was before I became ill.  Now, I want to change this, but I don't know how.  My mental state is making it _almost_ (hopeful!) impossible for me to change.

Does anyone know of any article (or something) that may help me?  I spend hours just sitting in a chair, biting my nails, and rocking back and forth.  This is the mental state I've been talking about.  So, what goes through my head? -> Imagines, past memories, TV shows, etc...  It's a whole new reality.  I'd like to stop this.  It's probably not healthy, but I'm not sure how to stop it.  If I try to stop it, I become very uncomfortable and I feel like I'm missing something, so I end up returning.  Does any of this make sense?  Has anyone gone through something similar?  Is it brain damage?  I - above everything else - need insight into my condition, but since I'm so closed off... ?

I guess that I'm looking for quick fixes or someone to say something that will help me understand my condition and make thing better for me (some sort of well kept secret).  Seems impossible now.  There's got to be something!  This is why I want to stop taking my pills.  These pills are hurting me <- that's what it feels like.  The pills have changed me, but I'm not sure if it's for the better.  My symptoms (I'm not sure which symptoms exactly) maybe less pronounced, but I don't feel like I've become well.  I can't think like I used to and my creativity is down.  Side-effects?  Great!  I don't believe in the same things that I used to believe in, but they're still there.  I was never completely insane.  Hey, I have a cure for schizophrenia -> complete inability to think.  It seems that my symptoms are tied in with the thinking process... So, if you help one, you'll inevitably take away from the other.  Is that what happens?  Seems like it.  Anyway, I'll continue to take my meds.

My reality really blows!  I feel like I have no way out of this mess.  Trust me, group therapy wouldn't be a good idea at this point.  Maybe later.  What are my other options?


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## texasgirl (May 19, 2009)

Onmeds,

I have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder/schizophrenia?  In any case, some of what you describe, including not being able to gather thoughts, sitting around too much, not being organized, etc. are also what I deal with.  When I am particularly not doing well, I will go into other rooms in my house but always return to the same room.  Part of it is the medication, but part of it I am working on to change.   My therapist and I are working on developing a schedule for me for each week.  When I used to work, work gave me structure even though there were times when I couldn't work.  Because I am not working now, I will be working on following a schedule to gain better control of myself and my days and also as my therapist indicated counteract some of the effects of the medicine which makes it harder sometimes to stay focused.  My schedule also includes some exercise, which for me right now is walking every day which also helps.

Maybe some of this can be helpful to you.  Wish you the best and I'm sorry you are going through a hard time.

Take care,

TG


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## OnMeds (May 19, 2009)

Hey, Texasgirl, thanks for the post and tips (schedule, etc).  I'll look into it.

I'm having a really hard time focusing.  I can't do anything, I can't think, I can't even watch a program on TV, without feeling like this (it's like this unfocused, confused, and disorientated feeling).  This feeling reminds me of the time I overdosed on a plant called Datura.  They say that if you eat the white seeds from the pod, you could become permanently crazy.  I ate the white seeds.


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## Retired (May 19, 2009)

Onmeds said:
			
		

> Does anyone know of any article (or something) that may help me?



Two new resources have been added to Psychlinks that you might find informative:

What is Schizophrenia: A Brochure

and

Schizophrenia: A Handbook For Families 

I hope you find them to be helpful.


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## OnMeds (May 20, 2009)

I guess everyone's given up on me.

By the way, I'm reading the brochure.  And I plan on reading all of it.  Guess what?  It turns out that I actually have schizophrenia (who knew?).  Although, there is a very tiny possibility that this whole thing is made up.  I can't let that go.  I'd quote the text and write my own thoughts, but why bother...  I can't win - schizophrenia is real and I, unfortunately, have it.  FnCK!

Now, I'll continue to read the brochure................................

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

I'm reading!


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## forgetmenot (May 20, 2009)

Hi OnMeds I am glad to see your are still reading and getting information on schizophrenia but the most important thing is to stay in touch with your psychiatrist. From what i am reading you continue to feel unstable. The only person that can help you to control these feelings of unstabilty is you Psychiatrist.   He or she can try to get the right medications that your symptoms are showing.  Tell your psychiatrist what is going on and how you need help take care mary


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## Retired (May 20, 2009)

OnMeds said:
			
		

> I guess everyone's given up on me.



No one  here has given up on you, on the contrary, it seems like everyone is working hard to provide you with information and support so you can continue on the road to treatment.

Glad you are reading the brochure.


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## OnMeds (May 20, 2009)

It has become difficult to read.

The problem is that my mind keeps interrupting me and I cannot focus.  When I manage to focus for a little while, my mind notices... It's as if my mind wants to sabotage me.  I need help with stuff like this.  How do I fix stuff like this.  I started having this problem last year.  I was drinking a lot at the time.  I don't drink anymore.  Will this resolve itself with practice and abstinence?  (I'll see...)

Second, why do I feel the need to realize my failures?  I keep thinking of my failures, etc.  Instead of doing that, I should use this time on bettering myself; Instead of thinking about how I can't read, I should just read and keep reading, right?  You see, this is stupidity.  But can I help it?  Of course.  I'll try.

Back to the brochure........................................................


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## Budoaiki (May 20, 2009)

On Meds,

I have bee weary of posting on this thread because I have watched someone very close to me (my mother) struggle with some of things you've described.

 I am also struggling with depression and trying to change the feelings of detachment and hopelessness which distort my thinking. 

You could say I am am having a hard time finding "the silver lining" right now but I know my perspective makes that hard.

I know I have to change my perspective and I know how unfortunately knowing and doing are two separate things and right now that gap feels like the grand canyon.

 A big part of that for me is my internal dialogue. 

I noticed similar things in your writing that i see in mine in moments of despair.

The absolute terms like "can't", "won't" and "impossible" and the self deprecation like "why bother".

I also see hope in your words too. You want to change and you said it's almost impossible for you to change.  You also said you feel like you have no way out of this mess but you know feelings can change and that it's not impossible to change. 

It's easy for me to see that just as it's easy for you to see the hope in the words of others. 

And there it is, in my opinion hope is simply a matter of perspective and when you are used to being hopeless it's hard to see it or give it the attention it deserves. You are obviously willing to make the effort to change that because you are trying with therapy and medication and I think the hope you have in that deserves recognition. 

Then again that's just my opinion, just another perspective.


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## OnMeds (May 20, 2009)

Reading all this stuff about schizophrenia makes me really depressed and confused.  I want to read it, remember it, and not get so depressed and confused (or disorientated). There seems to be a lot more known about schizophrenia then I thought, but most of it is meaningless to me.  It doesn't answer anything and it doesn't fix anything for me.  I need something that will fix my life -> meds and therapy -> takes time...  What should I do in the meantime?  Nothing.

Am I overly negative?  Well, I'm sorry.  And I can't help it, because nothing is changing for me.  Give it time... Well, how much more time is it going to take?  My life will soon be over.


			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> You keep saying that: "I need help."
> 
> Then people give you suggestions. And you tell them why you can't do what they suggest.
> 
> One thing is certain: If you do nothing, nothing will change.


Good observation.  What do you propose I do about it?  I need to change, but how?  This illness seems to have swallowed me whole.

I even started drinking coffee, again, and I don't feel so good.  Question: maybe I have toxic dementia caused by an allergy to caffeine? (Possible?)


----------



## Retired (May 20, 2009)

The information in the brochures was meant to give you some insights into the illness of schizophrenia, and was not meant to be memorized.

If your car broke down, you would probably take it to a specialist: a mechanic.

If your computer broke down, you would probably take it to a computer technician.



			
				OnMeds said:
			
		

> This illness seems to have swallowed me whole.......I need something that will fix my life



Doctors and mental health specialists are the people who are trained to treat the illness and the ones into whose care you need to be.

What are you doing about getting competent medical care? Do you have medications that you are currently taking and when is you next follow up appointment with your psychiatrist?


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## OnMeds (May 20, 2009)

...And if my mind breaks down, I take it to THIS PLACE!  


			
				TSOW said:
			
		

> What are you doing about getting competent medical care? Do you have medications that you are currently taking and when is you next follow up appointment with your psychiatrist?


I am taking 5mgs of Risperdal and my next appointment with my psychiatrist is on the 3rd (next month).

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

What do you recommend?

I'm sort of going crazy right now.  By the way, I could probably get a earlier appointment to see my psychiatrist.  He'll probably just increase my medication to 6mgs and that'll be that.  Big help.

I should probably take Mr Baxter's advise and join a support group.  This would be one heck of a leap, though.

Anything else?


----------



## Into The Light (May 20, 2009)

how about talking to your psychiatrist that you would like a bit more help? let him know what's going on with you. if you visit and don't say anything, then yes you'll just get a prescription.


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## NicNak (May 20, 2009)

Hi Peter.  There is these groups called Friends & Advocates.

I am not sure where you live, but there are two locations.  One in Toronto here is their website. http://www.friendsandadvocates.org/  This one is located at, 





> 2340 Dundas St. West #g27
> Toronto, ON  M6P4A9
> 416 234 9245
> Fax: 416 234 9733
> ...



Here is the Peel location, located in Brampton. Here is their website, http://www.fapeel.org/index.htm/



> Friends & Advocates Peel is located in Brampton, at 239 Queen Street East in Unit 6, just East of Kennedy Road.
> Phone: 905-452-1002


----------



## Retired (May 20, 2009)

OnMeds said:
			
		

> He'll probably just increase my medication to 6mgs and that'll be that



Doctors adjust dosages when there's a reason to do so. Reasons could be to improve effectiveness of the medication or to reduce side effects.    It's important that you explain to the doctor how you have been feeling, so the doctor can determine what you need.

Rather than trying to remember everything in the doctor's office, keep a notebook handy, and write down how you feel every day or so, when it's fresh on your mind...just a paragraph or so.

Then bring your notebook to the doctor and let him/her read your notes.

That way your doctor gets accurate information on your progress.

Your doctor is your ally and not your adversary.  Together you are partners in your health care.



			
				OnMeds said:
			
		

> I should probably take Mr Baxter's advise and join a support group



Excellent conclusion!  Here you would be able to share your story and concerns with peers who are experiencing a similar situation as you.

_BTW that was a typo..it should be Dr. Baxter_


----------



## OnMeds (May 21, 2009)

NicNak, I know one of those areas!  I'll speak to my support worker and/or my psychiatrist about it and I'll probably try it and see how it goes.  

It'll be extremely difficult for me to share my experiences (it's difficult to share my experiences on here, or to myself (as weird as that may sound)).  Another thing -> I'm not really sure that I'm experiencing anything these days - I'm just stuck being me.  I'm not sure how to explain it -> it's just the same thing over and over again.  Everyday.  I hate it.


			
				TSOW said:
			
		

> It's important that you explain to the doctor how you have been feeling, so the doctor can determine what you need.


What if I don't know how I'm feeling?  What if I don't feel much of anything?  It's difficult, because I feel like everyone lacks insight into my condition (after all, they're not me), including myself (!).  I have a hard time understanding what I'm going through.  For instance, I once drank a lot of coffee and felt normal and amazing, but that was probably a psychotic experience (it felt psychedelic) or a manic experience.  I'm probably just confused most of the time and my mind wont stop working -- that's probably why I can't concentrate.  I need it to stop and that's why I want to switch my meds or get the dose upgraded.

During that experience (with the coffee), I finally felt normal.  It was a great experience and that's probably why I continue to drink coffee.  


> Rather than trying to remember everything in the doctor's office, keep a notebook handy, and write down how you feel every day or so, when it's fresh on your mind...just a paragraph or so.
> 
> Then bring your notebook to the doctor and let him/her read your notes.


That's a really good idea.  My psychiatrist and I talked about this in the past.  And that's part of the reason why I'm posting on here (as practice).  Whenever I attempt to write something down in a notebook it ends up not making much sense to me later on.  But yeah, I'll try it.  Also, I'll copy some of the things I posted on here into my notebook.


> Excellent conclusion! Here you would be able to share your story and concerns with peers who are experiencing a similar situation as you.


I'm afraid that I don't have much of a story.  And now I have a hard time talking in front of others.  I lose my words, thoughts, etc.  I feel disconnected from everything around me.  That's why I'm scared of it.  I don't see it working out.


> BTW that was a typo..it should be Dr. Baxter


Oops, sorry!  I'll remember that.


Kind regards,
Peter

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

I'm wondering...

...Whether or not I'm actively psychotic?

...Do my posts make sense?  (If they don't, then I'll be happy to explain the part that doesn't make sense.  This way, I'm bound to make some progress!)


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 21, 2009)

Whether or not your posts are lucid and coherent doesn't alter the diagnosis, Peter. As just one example, someone who has paranoid delusions can sound perfectly coherent, apart from the *content* of what s/he writes or verbalizes.

And you are also on some medication.

There are tell-tale signs of schizophrenia even in someone well-medicated, if you know what to look for, but those signs cannot be seen in posts on a forum.


----------



## OnMeds (May 21, 2009)

> Whether or not your posts are lucid and coherent doesn't alter the diagnosis, Peter.


Out of curiosity -> what would alter the diagnosis?  For instance, check this out.  I might have an allergy to caffeine and this might be what is causing my schizophrenia.  What do you think of this?


----------



## white page (May 21, 2009)

That is certainly an interesting article Onmeds, why don't you discuss this with your Doctor, who as your support proffessional knows you better than we ever possibly can.

I would just like to say that there are as many pro caffeine studies as there are anti caffiene studies. 

Each case is particular and it would be a mistake to auto diagnose yourself on the strength of  an article, though coffee and other beverages containing caffeine have beneficial properties , any excessive consumption of any beverage or food should be avoided.


----------



## OnMeds (May 21, 2009)

At one point, I was drinking 400g of instant coffee, a week.  I'm assuming this wasn't healthy and it had to have some kind of mental health repercussions.  Perhaps such an overload of caffeine helped cause my schizophrenia or the appearance of schizophrenia.

It would be great if abstaining  from caffeine would make all my schizophrenia symptoms disappear.  I really hope for stuff like this.  False hope makes me happy.  My predicament sucks!


> That is certainly an interesting article Onmeds, why don't you discuss this with your Doctor, who as your support professional knows you better than we ever possibly can.


I've been getting this advise, to speak with my doctor, since I first started posting.  I will follow it, but what should I do in the meantime?  I want to help myself somehow and THIS seems to be my only option for the time being.  Question:  do you think I'm wasting my time posting on this site?  I have been hoping to get helped somehow.  Am I asking for too much?  Or have I been misled somehow?  I really don't know what I can do (considering these symptoms) - I guess I find comfort in posting on here.  I feel like I'll eventually get the help I need IF I just hold on a little longer.

I've been diagnosed with a severe mental illness and I don't know what to do RIGHT NOW.  On the 3rd I shall see my doctor and tell him about what we've been discussing, but until then, I have no other options available to me.  And due to my symptoms I do not want to communicate with the outside world, so I'm sort of stuck.  Now, is there any help available for someone like me?  There doesn't seem to be much help available for someone with a severe mental illness (for example, group therapy requires "some" health, right?).  The treatment options for me seem to be very limited.


> I would just like to say that there are as many pro caffeine studies as there are anti caffeine studies.


Not if someone has an allergy to the stuff.  I heard that the way you develop an allergy is by overloading the system with too much caffeine - just like I've done in the past.  

At least with coffee (IF it's true) I know what the problem is, but with schizophrenia it's different - no one really knows what the problem is, they only have theories, etc.  I'm sure they're making progress with finding out what exactly is wrong, but for the time being, they don't know what's wrong.  And I'm sort of stuck in limbo.

Can anyone relate?  I sometimes feel like the only person going through this.


----------



## Into The Light (May 21, 2009)

no, you aren't wasting your time by posting here, not at all.  posting is helpful because when you write you are trying to describe your problem, and in the process of doing so it helps clarify things for you. for example you say you don't know what you are going through, you wouldn't have come to that conclusion i suspect if you hadn't written it here.

posting is also helpful in that it can be therapeutic to get all this stuff off your chest, and indeed as you say, to bring you some comfort. you aren't alone in struggling.

what brought me here was depression and the struggle i went through because of it. part of depression is withdrawal and social isolation, so even though i am not going through nor have gone through what you are, i can relate to that part of your struggle.

i think in a way everyone who goes through something like this feels very alone. i hope that in continuing to post here you will feel less alone. it certainly helped me a lot. 

posting here is helpful because we can try to find ways to help you cope while you are waiting to see your doctor. we all have or have had various illnesses here and what we all have in common is the struggle to get through what we're going through while we work our way back to health, or as close to health as possible.



> with schizophrenia it's different - no one really knows what the problem is, they only have theories, etc.


they may not know the exact causes of schizophrenia but the same is true for other illnesses such as depression. we don't have a tell-tale cause, and the best we can do - so far - is to say that some people are predisposed or more vulnerable to the illness than others, and that sometimes it will come out and other times it won't, depending on life stressors and environmental factors.



> due to my symptoms I do not want to communicate with the outside world, so I'm sort of stuck.


are you living on your own? do you have family and friends who know about your struggle right now?


----------



## white page (May 21, 2009)

Hi Onmeds ,
No I don't think you are wasting your time posting here. We refer  every 
member back to their Doctor because it is not within our competence to hazard diagnosis on line. 

We are here to listen to you and support you in the steps that you are taking in the treatment and acceptance of your diagnosis. 

To return to excessive coffee consumption.

 Allergy to caffiene is in fact rare according to recent studies. However it is a very good idea to limit coffee intake for everyone. 

You can help yourself by asking for your next appointment with your Dr. to be brought forward, that way you can discuss face to face all the issues which are troubling you at the moment.
take care wp


----------



## Into The Light (May 21, 2009)

you aren't doing anything wrong. it's the illness that is making you feel the way you feel. it's not you who is "wanting" to feel that way. it needs to be treated which is what you are doing by seeing your doctor. it's not an instant overnight fix and it will take patience and effort. i know you probably don't want to hear that but like with any of these illnesses that is just the way it is.

why is anyone reading your post? because this is a self-help forum and you are trying to get support. we're here to offer support as best we can based on our own experiences in coping and healing. it's up to you what you think will be helpful to you and what won't. we're here as a sounding board.

i was there was more i could offer you than just words. at the very least this forum helps a bit with your isolation like it did for me.


----------



## Retired (May 21, 2009)

OnMeds said:
			
		

> you're just mocking me



No one has mocked you since you joined Psychlinks, and it won't happen because every post is monitored.  

Everyone has been working hard to offer constructive suggestions so you can get better.

No one wants to ban you either, as long as the discussion remains polite and without any foul language.


----------



## Charity (May 21, 2009)

Hey... again, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I'd like to be your friend and help you, though I'm not sure what to say that might help you feel better. In any case, I'm thinking of you a lot, and hoping you're taking care of yourself. All I can offer you for THIS MOMENT are friendship and kind thoughts. Maybe at least you can know that there's a real-life person, sitting at a real-life computer, getting ready to go wash her hair now, who is thinking kindly of you and hoping you feel better soon. That's all I've got, but it's yours if you'll accept it. 

-Charity


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## OnMeds (May 22, 2009)

You're all very kind.

Thank you.

Now I must say this:  I feel the need to leave this place.  Please don't get the wrong idea.  This place helps... In some ways... I feel too involved (or dependent) now (if that makes sense).  I'm just confused... I don't know if this place helps or not... Or if it makes things worse for me.  I'm not well and I'm not in a good place right now.  

I feel foolish for coming on here and writing down my feelings.  I once thought it would help, but that's not the kind of help that I really need.  Or is it?  I don't know.

I'm drinking beer right now (I bought one).  I needed this.  It feels good and familiar.  I really shouldn't be drinking this.  Not with my condition and past alcohol problems.  Oh well.

May I ask why my last post was deleted?  

********************************************************************************************************

I want to get some real help for my problems.  Not the kind that makes you feel good for a little while.  Some thing that makes a difference.  This does, but that's not what I mean.  I don't really know what I mean and I don't know what kind of help I expected from here.

I would like to get well... Somehow.  I want to force it.  How?  Can it be forced?  I can't help it.

I need more beer! (NOT)

Question:  if you know how I feel, because you've been diagnosed with schizophrenia and have felt the same way, then what did you do to cope?  


Kind regards,
Peter


----------



## Jazzey (May 22, 2009)

Hi Peter, 

I'm happy to see you back.   By all means, do whatever you need to do to feel better.  If you need to take a break from this place, that's ok.

If you want to come back, you know where to find us. 

Take good care of yourself and I hope that you feel better very soon.
Jazzey


----------



## Charity (May 22, 2009)

Like Jazzey said-- do what you need to do to feel better. It's good to see you, though, and I hope you don't _stay_ away. 

Take care of yourself!
-Charity


----------



## OnMeds (May 22, 2009)

Even while taking meds, I still feel like I'm getting worse.  Could the problem be the caffeine intake?

Caffeine wakes me up when I first drink it, but afterwards it makes me confused.  Would quitting be a wise choice and a solution to my current problem?

Current problem:  my thoughts are racing and I feel like I urgently need to be somewhere, but I have nowhere to go.  Panicky.  And it feels like I'm stuck with this - as if I have no way out.

I'm quitting caffeine.  That's it!

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

One last thing:  I feel really guilty for drinking that one beer.  I thought it might help, but now it seems to have aided in making me feel worse.  Blah!

For some reason I've developed a strong obsessive-compulsive tendency to post now.  This is another reason why I should probably take a break from this place.  What do you think?

I'm not sure what to do.  

Anyway, you've all been great.  I wish you well and please take care.  I'm not going to leave just yet, so feel free to post your thoughts about anything (I like reading these posts).  Thank you.



Kind regards,
Peter


----------



## Charity (May 22, 2009)

What I want to say to you, I first want to preface with this big huge enormous disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor, a psychotherapist, a nurse, or any other sort of trained health-care professional. Everything I am about to say is purely my own opinion, and you have no reason whatsoever to believe it in the least.

Now then.... Dude, I have to be honest with you. I have a very, very strong feeling that all of your thoughts and worries about caffeine are mainly just a form of "grasping at straws," so to speak-- desperately searching for any possible alternative explanation for what you are experiencing besides schizophrenia. I say this only out of love and compassion, as I understand very well the internal _and_ external implications of being diagnosed with a mental illness. I think you know as well as I do that wishing really, really hard for something to be true/untrue doesn't do much to change the reality of a given situation-- and even so, I too am guilty of my own wishful thinking on a daily basis, so I'm not being judgmental. It seems from everything that you've said here that you're basically trying to find a way to make it so that you don't actually have schizophrenia. It also sounds like almost _any_ other explanation would be preferable to you. That's fine, and perfectly understandable, but it really does nothing at all to help you actually feel better. 

A hypothetical question... What if you could somehow know *for absolute certain* (for example, God Himself comes down from the sky and tells you, or a simple blood test is developed, etc.) that you truly are schizophrenic? Would you be happy to know for certain what the problem is, or would you be devastated to know that you are actually mentally ill? 

Please don't think I'm being harsh. I really do understand from experience that it's very unpleasant to live with the knowledge that your most vital organ is somehow malfunctioning. BUT, if we do happen to be in that select group of people who are placed in that position, does it do anyone any good to try and deny it? 

I do agree with you that caffeine, as a stimulant, can aggravate symptoms of anxiety. If you feel better without it, by all means give it up! I just hate to see you going through what I personally perceive as a frantic effort to make the diagnosis you were given untrue. 

Talk to me! I'd love to hear your thoughts on what I've said. In the meantime-- keep hanging in there. You can trust in the fact that we're always here to listen.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 22, 2009)

Charity said:
			
		

> I have to be honest with you. I have a very, very strong feeling that all of your thoughts and worries about caffeine are mainly just a form of "grasping at straws," so to speak-- desperately searching for any possible alternative explanation for what you are experiencing besides schizophrenia.



I totally agree.


----------



## OnMeds (May 23, 2009)

Charity said:
			
		

> A hypothetical question... What if you could somehow know for absolute certain (for example, God Himself comes down from the sky and tells you, or a simple blood test is developed, etc.) that you truly are schizophrenic? Would you be happy to know for certain what the problem is, or would you be devastated to know that you are actually mentally ill?


I know that there's a problem.  A big problem.  But I don't know what it is.  Labeling it as schizophrenia is fine when it's absolutely true.  It's probably absolutely true in my case (!), but I still don't know what is wrong with me.  I have schizophrenia.  Not good.  But I still don't know what is wrong and I don't know how to help myself.  I've written about my symptoms and these symptoms persist.  The bottom line is that they don't know what schizophrenia is.  They don't know what it really is.  I don't know what's wrong with me, I just know that there's a big problem.  I continue to take my pills in hopes of getting better.  So far it's not working out too well.

Anyway, I know that I have schizophrenia.  It doesn't make me happy knowing what I have, because I don't really know what I have.  Nobody does.  That's not very comforting and it certainly is devastating news... For me.

It's a brain disorder.  OK, now what?  Get treatment.  Great!  Symptoms persist, but at least I know what I have now.

I hope they soon discover what schizophrenia really is and find a cure.  Imagine a world in which I'm cured of schizophrenia.  That would be awesome!  I look forward to such a day.

The caffeine allergy looks promising.  Maybe it's not.  I don't know.  Anyway, I have quit caffeine because it made me feel worse...  And I feel better for it.



Kind regards,
Peter

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

For the record:  I know that I have schizophrenia.  But this knowledge doesn't do anything for me.  Should it?  What's out there?  I'll ask my psychiatrist.  Anyway, I know that my treatment options are very limited.

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

Question: how much of this is the illness and how much of it is me?

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

Thank you for all your help.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (May 23, 2009)

OnMeds said:


> But I don't know what it is.



Your doctors have told you what it is. The problem is you have an illness called schizophrenia.



OnMeds said:


> But I still don't know what is wrong and I don't know how to help myself.  I've written about my symptoms and these symptoms persist.



You have been given a LOT of advice about how to help yourself. Go back and read that advice. It takes time for medications to fully manage schizophrenic symptoms.



OnMeds said:


> The bottom line is that they don't know what schizophrenia is.  They don't know what it really is.



That's not true. We know what schizophrenia is. We also know how to treat it.



OnMeds said:


> I don't know what's wrong with me, I just know that there's a big problem.



Yes, you do: Schizophrenia. You are just having a lot of difficulty accepting that.



OnMeds said:


> I continue to take my pills in hopes of getting better.  So far it's not working out too well.



It takes time. You have to be patient and you have to talk to your doctor and give him the feedback he needs.



OnMeds said:


> Anyway, I know that I have schizophrenia.  It doesn't make me happy knowing what I have, because I don't really know what I have.  Nobody does.  That's not very comforting and it certainly is devastating news... For me.



That's contradictory. You say know you have schizophrenia in one breath and state that you don't know what is wrong with you in the next. What is wrong with you is schizophrenia.



OnMeds said:


> It's a brain disorder.  OK, now what?  Get treatment.  Great!  Symptoms persist, but at least I know what I have now.



Correct. Be patient. Talk to your doctor. Give the medication time to work.



OnMeds said:


> I hope they soon discover what schizophrenia really is and find a cure.  Imagine a world in which I'm cured of schizophrenia.  That would be awesome!  I look forward to such a day.



We know what schizophrenia is. We know how to treat it. There may not be a "cure" but there is treatment that will help you to manage your symptoms and "get your life back".



OnMeds said:


> The caffeine allergy looks promising.



No. You don't have an allergy. You have schizophrenia.



OnMeds said:


> Anyway, I have quit caffeine because it made me feel worse...  And I feel better for it.



That's reason enough to quit caffeine.



OnMeds said:


> For the record:  I know that I have schizophrenia.  But this knowledge doesn't do anything for me.  Should it?  What's out there?  I'll ask my psychiatrist.  Anyway, I know that my treatment options are very limited.



Not at all. They are limited primarily by you.



OnMeds said:


> Question: how much of this is the illness and how



That's a difficult question to answer. You are not just schizophrenia. Where does the schizophrenia end and the core of your personality begin? Hard to know until the symptoms of schizophrenia are fully under control. Then you will be able to see what is left.


----------



## white page (May 23, 2009)

Hi Onmeds , yes it is devastating to be diagnosed with a mental illness, as it is devastating to be diagnosed with any major physical disfunction which affects us in our ability to function in a world of seemingly healthy people.

Many illnesses cannot be cured but they can be controlled and stabilized , the often used example of diabetes is very valid , diabetes cannot be cured , but with daily monitoring and the regular daily  injections of insulin it can be stabilised and controlled, sufferers live full and good lives as long as they follow the ground rules, when diabetes is first diagnosed it takes time and patience to find exactly the right dosage of insulin for each individual metabolism. 

An illness such as schizoprenia needs exactly the same discipline, it cannot be cured , but it can be controlled and stabilised as long as there is a rigourous taking of the medication prescribed, your Doctor* needs* to know exactly how you are feeling in order to decide whether to up your dosage or not, that is why the suggestion of keeping a mood log is excellent, this makes you an actor in your path towards stabilisation.

 Keeping away from all stimulants such as alcohol and coffee is also a good idea as it allows your medication to be fully effectif . 
The person I know who has the very same illness as you, leads a good life only because she takes her medication very regularly and she now knows *that she can only lead a good life because of her medication.
*

best wishes wp


----------



## Charity (May 23, 2009)

Hello again,

Dr. Baxter and White Page have pretty much said everything I was going to say in reply to your last post... thanks guys. :goodpost:

I know it's hard. I know it isn't fair. *In time* you'll have it all sorted out, and there just isn't any way to make time fly by any faster to get there. All you can do at this point is to make sure you're doing everything according to your doctor's instructions, so that you can minimize the amount of time needed to get there. 

Many of us have been through what you're going through now-- just trying to come to terms with our respective illnesses and figure and what works and what doesn't in terms of managing the symptoms. Trust me-- if you do what you need to do in cooperation with a good doctor, you'll soon be quite the little expert on your illness, how it affects you, and exactly how to keep yourself functioning at your best. Hang in there. :friends:


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## OnMeds (May 24, 2009)

Thanks for all the help everyone! 

I'd like to make a request:  

Can someone please delete this account and ban my IP address?  Thank you.


Kind regards,
Peter


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## Charity (May 24, 2009)

Why don't you wish to remain a part of the forum? Sorry to be so blunt, but...  how come?


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## OnMeds (May 24, 2009)

The simple answer is "because I'm too crazy."

It's impossible to explain.  Plus, it's becoming impossible for me to communicate (period!) over the Internet.  I feel like this thread was a waste of time.  Nothing has resolved itself and I still don't know what to do... Besides... Leave.  Leaving seems like the right thing to do.  

I wish I could have made this work.  This is also why group therapy won't work for me.  No, I haven't gone to group therapy, but it's not hard to imagine what it would be like.  It would be a disaster!

If you don't know or if you haven't experienced what I'm experiencing, then it's impossible for me to explain it.  Any attempts at an explanation would lead to confusion or misunderstanding, so why bother?  It doesn't help me to try and explain it.  It may do the opposite.  It may lead to new problems.

I'm creating my own problems by thinking about what my problems are.  Crazy, huh?  Well, it makes sense to me.

I associate this place with my problems now, so in order for me to get better... I'm going to have to leave.

Does any of that make sense?  I don't know anymore.


Kind regards,
Peter


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## white page (May 24, 2009)

Hi Peter , 
Just know that you are always welcome here.  Take care wp


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## OnMeds (May 24, 2009)

I think this would be for the best.  I'm sort of attached to this place now, and I don't want that, nor do I need it.  Getting banned and being unable to register again (for a month or two) would be a great relief for me (like a weight being lifted off my shoulders).  But that's just me.

Anyway, who can help me out?  Please do! 

I thank you all for everything you've done to help me out.  Best wishes :airkiss: !


Kind regards,
Peter


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## David Baxter PhD (May 24, 2009)

Peter, I've set your account to inactive. You are free to return whenever you wish. Just let me or one of the other administrators know and we'll reset your account.


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## Charity (May 24, 2009)

Hmmm....  If you genuinely feel that this place is somehow causing you harm, of course I'd want nothing more than for you to take a break. I'm just finding it really, really hard to see how that could be the case!

I know I've come staggering in here in pretty sorry shape a few times, and I always found that I was not only welcomed, but also actually felt relieved in the end to be in the company of other people who had some sense of what I was going through. I'm having a hard time seeing the harm in having the friendship and support that this place provides. 

I can tell that you're still feeling confused and... well, downright crazy inside. Good grief, don't let that keep you out of here! It seems to me that it might be a good thing for ya to see for yourself that there are lots of other folks who've been in the same boat (or a different but equally unpleasant one). 

It can be hard to find people out in 3D-land who genuinely understand the inner landscape of the mentally ill. Since they've not experienced anything like it themselves, it's not a thing they're capable of understanding... or even tolerating at times. If you feel that distancing yourself from the forum for awhile would be genuinely beneficial to you somehow, then I suppose it's the right thing to do. Just please bear in mind that the tool you are using to make this decision - your mind - is under a lot of stress at the moment and could just possibly be misled by the illness that's affecting it. It's hard sometimes to separate what the illness is saying from what we actually know to be true, and I hope you won't be led astray.

Personally, I hope you stick around and take advantage of the rare opportunity that this place provides. 

Take care.


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