# A Dating Strategy



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 10, 2017)

*A Dating Strategy*
by Fredric Neuman MD
September 10, 2017

It is possible to enjoy dating.

 There are men and women who have no interest in meeting someone to  marry. They are content to be single. Most of this relatively small  group do not date, but some do, finding the dating experience enjoyable.

 On the other hand, there are others who do want to settle down with  someone someday but who regard dating as an inherently miserable  experience they have to put up with because that is the only way it is  possible to meet someone. For some the experience of dating is  unspeakably awful. "They all climbed out of a sewer", was the way one of  my correspondents described the men she met on dating sites. This  summed-up a five-year experience of dating - which makes one wonder how  someone so dissatisfied with these miserable experiences would persist  for five years without giving up. It also suggests that any particular  date she went on would not likely work out well since it started off  with the idea that she was talking to someone who had just crawled out  of a sewer. Her view of men, although at one extreme, is not very  different from the way other women - and men, too - regard the people they  have met dating.

 The dissatisfied men are likely to describe the women as  'manipulative'   and inclined right off the bat to reject them. The  women are likely to say that the men 'are only interested in sex', and that they are likely to lie about dating other women. These are  men and women who date without really looking forward to meeting anyone  with whom they will have a long-term relationship; and, indeed, starting  off with their prejudices, such a relationship becomes hard to find. I  agree that dating seriously requires meeting potential partners on the  internet; but these experiences do not have to be miserable.

*A strategy for dating*


Be realistic. Most dates do not even result in a second date, let  alone a long-term relationship. Applicants sending off resumes in  response to a job opening receive a positive response only about two to  three percent of the time; and dating strangers with the view of getting  married probably has no better success. But people do find jobs this  way, and people do find long-term partners this way. So, it is important  not to get discouraged by a long string of disappointments. A  successful marriage is like a peg of an irregular shape finding a  matching hole. Not finding someone over a too-long period of time does  not imply that there is anything wrong with that person who has been  looking. 
The first date should be brief, meeting for a cup of coffee or a  drink. If the stranger - or relative stranger - you are with is obviously  undesirable, there is no reason to waste a lot of time. 
A second date is often a dinner date; and that is fine. Certainly, a  second date should allow the opportunity for talking (as opposed to  going to the movies.) But a second or third date ideally should allow  for having a good time _even if it is apparent by then that no long-term relationship with ensue._  It is possible to have fun walking through a park or a museum with  someone destined to be only a friend. Do not start off with the idea  that if the other person is not suitable for a long-term relationship, a  short term relationship is not worth pursuing. 
 Most, but not all, serious relationships begin with a second and third date following closely after the first.


Do not start off assuming that your date is malicious or deceitful  or intent on exploiting you Communicating that sort of prejudice will  put off any sensible person. Especially, do not start off angry because  of bad dating experiences in the past. Start off being kind to your  date. He or she is likely to have his or her own ins insecurities. Most  people who are unsuccessful dating find it hard to encourage the other  person. Ordinary encouragement strikes them as coming across as being  desperate. Everyone needs encouragement. Certainly, do not pretend to be  cool or indifferent. 
Do not decide in the first few minutes - if you can help it - if someone  you meet is unsuitable. I ask all my patients what they liked about  their spouses when they first met, and about 20% tell me they did not  like them initially. Allow for the possibility of changing your mind. 
When beginning to date, it is a good idea to be on a number of  dating sites at the same time. Invariably you will have the experience  of no one being interested in you, seemingly; and it is a good idea to  have someone else in sight as a possibility. 
 There is reason to be optimistic. After all, most people marry sooner  or later. The trick, in life in general, is to have a good time while  you are waiting for something to happen. Be open to different people and  different kinds of experiences. Remember John Lennon's remark, "Life is  what happens while you are making other plans".

 (c) Fredric Neuman, author of _Come One, Come All_.


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## Cosam (May 31, 2018)

Thank you, that was very interesting to read.

What do you think about online dating? Is there also a similar strategy for online dating?


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## David Baxter PhD (May 31, 2018)

I think so. There are a few additional cautions when it comes to online dating, chief among those being people who seriously misrepresent themselves to exploit prospective "matches", but the truth is that can happen in face-to-face meetings as well. At least with online dating you have some opportunity to chat, ask questions, and look for inconsistencies or other red flags before meeting in person. The same principles apply, though, I think.


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## Daniel (Jul 23, 2022)

Five Kinds of Friends — Dr. Randall Collins
					


The word “friends” has at least five different meanings:  Allies  Backstage intimates  Fun friends  Mutual interests friends  Sociable acquaintances  Whether social media “friends” are one of these five, or a sixth distinctive type, we shall see.  Friends are sociologically important because they ar





					www.drrandallcollins.com
				




"McFarland’s research [2013] on speed-dating found that couples who clicked, talked less in questions-and-answers (i.e. seeking information about each other’s demographics and life story), instead finding something they liked to talk about."


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