# Unsure



## Enigma

Firstly, I’d like to say, if this post is deemed not appropriate, then please feel free to delete me and ban me from the site.  This is not intended as a guilt trip, as I fully understood the terms on joining this forum, and I would not feel at justice otherwise. 

Secondly, I desperately need help.  I posted on another forum, but it got deleted because of my age (I’m 16).  I don’t know who or how to ask for help.  I find it extremely difficult to trust people.  I’m not exactly sure where to post this.  For the past two weeks, I’ve been cutting myself nearly every day, something that I don’t normally do on a day-to-day basis. So what happened to make me do all this? What I will write now, will probably not be the best of reasons, but I would hate to acknowledge it could have been merely the fact that I acted stupidly on impulse.

I don't know how I feel sometimes.  I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times.  I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing.  However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems).  My parents know nothing.  I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.

It feels like I've been persecuted at school. Teachers don't recognise some of my capabilities and cast a blind eye over me. It is the disruptive pupils who get all the attention! How fair is that, I wonder? What must I do to get myself noticed? Scream until my lungs burst? Sometimes I can dislike teachers so much.  On top of that, the school work is escalating and getting more confusing.  School is not the best environments for some people.  Also, I’m living in my sister’s shadow – everything I do is a failure compared to her.

All I want to do is to help someone. That would make me satisfied, it would make me feel like I've accomplished something major. I save up money for charity, I help my family out, yet that doesn't seem to be enough for me. Then I find, with all this, I'm being used by some friends; they only call me if they want something, never for a friendly chat. I want to help people, but I find that I don't have the words. Never had. I'm always thought of as the silent one.  The silent ones can somehow merge into the background with no chance of really being noticed.  

For that reason, I'm alone. I always have to make the effort to talk to people, and understandably, one just gives up sometimes.  Without the practice with talking, I sometimes stumble over words and feel awkward and inadequate; this draws me into deeper silence for fear of blundering.  With all the frustration going through my head, I know that _you can't reach the rainbow if you don't face the rain_. So if I'm going to get anywhere in life, I'm just going to have to try that much harder. But what must I do to reach that goal?  Loneliness taps at the heart of my existence. It's a brutal force; one in which succeeds to tear at my soul and destroy it whole.

Then there are major arguments. I resort to sitting in the car reading my book, whilst they cool it. But do you know what, I was totally confident at myself – I had played everything through my head before it even occurred, so I knew just how I could deal with it as it had already happened in my mind. I wasn’t scared. I would only go back up when my mom came down to fetch me, and she did. After the event, I’m blamed myself, because if I hadn’t had an image in my mind of what was going to take place, then it might have been prevented. Now, because I’m slightly more positive, I’m wondering if it was the inevitable anyway. Therefore, by the end of the day, the confidence I had gained was now crushed into fuming embers in my heart.

And then there are other things that I can’t even talk about and that’s making me feel severely down in the dumps all the time.   My dad is just so annoying all the time. I can’t stand hearing him speak to me, it’s now got to the point where I’m yelling at myself in my head, just to rid of his noise. I spoke to my best teacher and she said that she was going to ask around to see if I can get professional guidance. Everything has got progressively worse; the longer I thought I could deal with it on my own, the more time could warp and perplex my mind.

I don't believe I'm ill, even though I may have the odd suicidal thought, or feel low for a long period. Rest assured, I have too many links; I would feel guilty for one suffering that would cause even more distress. I know one might think, how can you feel the guilt if you're gone? But I can, every day, a day I survive, amounts to a lot of guilt; guilt that will remain for the rest of my life. Will I forever have to linger?

I know I shouldn’t be complaining as there are people worse off than me.  I do know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I feel bad that I cannot cope as well as others can.  I’m not sure how to get help.

Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it was so long.


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## David Baxter PhD

Enigma said:
			
		

> I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.


There are so many things in your post, Enigma, that it's hard to know where to start -- I am not going to even try to suggest a diagnosis but there are hints of anxiety, anger, suppressed/repressed feelings, and more... seeing a therapist would be an excellent start. You have a lot to sort out and the fact that you are now cutting every day is a reflection of how much you have bottled up inside you -- feelings and thoughts and fears -- that you cannot express or don't feel you can express any othe way. Let that teacher you mentioned help you find a therapist and then take a chance and go see him or her. It isn't a quick fix and it is often difficult work but in the end you will wonder why it took you so long to get started...


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## Bo

Hi Enigma,

I won't tell you that I know how you feel; sometimes that's just insulting.  I will, however, say that you sound like a kindred spirit.

When I was 17, I was pretty suicidal.  I would think about all the ways I could leave this world.  Then, I would think about the aftermath.  I would remember that any way that I killed myself in my home, my Dad would be the one to find me (single parent family).  I would always feel guilty about that idea.  I would think about doing it somewhere else then, but what if I was never found, or never identified?  Again, that seemed like a horrible thing to do to everybody.  Basically what stopped me from trying to hurt myself, or worse, was the fact that I was too screwed up to do it!  I anticipated the guilt, and felt the burden of that guilt, even when I hadn't done anything!

My own friendships, and relationships, were centered around a certain "knight in shining armour" behaviour, where I would try to help people through the things going on in their lives.  My first piece of advice:  STOP THAT!  I hate to say it, but you've got to take care of you first.  And, in the state you're in, you really shouldn't line yourself up for any disappointment.  Believe me, if you tried to help 10 people, and you successfully helped 9 of them, wouldn't you obsess over the one that got away?  I used to.

Follow Dr. Baxter's advice; find a therapist, or someone you can talk to.  Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they'll only make things much worse.

**Disclaimer:  I'm not a doctor, not a health professional at all, and my advice should always be taken as a suggestion only!*** The biggest suggestion I can offer you:  when you do find someone to talk to, don't tell them about the cutting right away.  Since that is the most prominent symptom of your issues, that is the one that they will focus on.  I advise that you work up to it, otherwise your therapist may lose track of what's bothering you, and they'll focus on what's bothering them.

Also, I suggest you keep a diary, or a stream-of-consiousness book.  You have a poetic side in your posts, perhaps you'll find some peace from within?

Hang in there.  Life doesn't always get better, but it always gets... different.  It's worth seeing.


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## sammy

Hey, Enigma...
I was going to suggest you wrote in a journal, and maybe wrote poetry...then I see Bo has noticed too... you do have a poetic way with words, writing may be a gift that you have...
don't worry...as you get older, they will come out more naturally with people in speech...

It would be good if you can get some kind of professional guidance, or therapy, maybe through the teacher...


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## Enigma

David Baxter said:
			
		

> Let that teacher you mentioned help you find a therapist and then take a chance and go see him or her. It isn't a quick fix and it is often difficult work but in the end you will wonder why it took you so long to get started...



She hasn't got very far in helping me.  I know that teachers are very busy so I don't like to bother them.  If I did find a therapist, would my parents have to know?  Seeing as I'm 16, and live in England, I wouldn't know where to start.



			
				Bo said:
			
		

> I won't tell you that I know how you feel; sometimes that's just insulting.



Bo, thank you for being so understanding.



			
				Bo said:
			
		

> Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they'll only make things much worse.



I hate the taste of alcohol, I find it difficult to swallow things, and as for smoking, well, I hate the smell - not a lot of use they would be anyway!



			
				Bo said:
			
		

> The biggest suggestion I can offer you: when you do find someone to talk to, don't tell them about the cutting right away. Since that is the most prominent symptom of your issues, that is the one that they will focus on. I advise that you work up to it, otherwise your therapist may lose track of what's bothering you, and they'll focus on what's bothering them.



That's excellent advice - I hadn't thought of that, and thinking about it, what you mentioned seems very true.



			
				sammy said:
			
		

> I was going to suggest you wrote in a journal, and maybe wrote poetry...then I see Bo has noticed too... you do have a poetic way with words, writing may be a gift that you have...
> don't worry...as you get older, they will come out more naturally with people in speech...



I used to write a journal but I got upset everytime I went back to read it.  I do write poetry, but I'm never satisfied with what I write - something is always not right, perhaps the rhythm or that it sounds too common.  I only hope that as I get older speech will become more natural.  But if I hope too much and it never happens, I'll feel so shattered.

Maybe I should erase my memory and start all again.


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## David Baxter PhD

I don't know how things work in the UK, Enigma, but some of the other members here may be able to help you with that -- I'll see what I can find out too.


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Hi Enigma

I am a psychological student in southampton and will attempt to find out some information on free counselling.  I know that there are organisations, such as 'Relate' that offer free services and your parents will not need to be informed.  Your only issue would be getting yourself to and from sessions. 
Give me a day or two to poke around, and I will re-post. 

Other than information, I just wanted to say (and the cliché annoys me too) but.....  you do remind me of myself, your not alone, and.... all good artists can't stand there work most of the time!! 

Speak soon
Robs


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## Enigma

Thank you both.  I don't mean to be a bother but your help is appreciated a lot.


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Hi Enigma, me again!

ok, firstly... its no bother.
secondly; here is some information that may be able to help.  It is a little difficult to find free counceling, as I do not know your exact circumstances or location, (don't put it down though, for your own safety, ofcourse ) 
but here are the following:

Home | Relate - mainly used for relationship issues.

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy - you are able to find counceling services here, but I don't think that these councelers will offer a free service. (not often, but it is worth a try)

http://www.bps.org.uk/findpsychologist/psychoindex2.cfm - The BPS is the British Psychological Society, and they have a page on their site that will help you find a therapist, again, most of these psychologists are not government funded. 

Youth 2 Youth - youth2youth offers online help from youth to youth.

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/youngpeople/index.php - another online service with a search engine.

There are also the options of school counsellors,  and your doctor should be able to put you intouch with services in your area.

I hope this helps.  I am watching this topic now, so if you have any problems, post again and I will look for some more.

Good luck mate!

Robs


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## Enigma

Hi Robin,

Thank you so much for finding something for me so quickly.  I thought I was going to explode!  I will look through the websites you have posted.  I'm not sure if I want to go through my doctor though - I hardly talk when I see him anyway, and I can only get there with my parents.  Thank you for your help once again.

Always grateful,
-Enigma


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## Enigma

This is what they teach me
This is how I feel
This is but the alphabet
This is what is real.

Alone
Broken
Careless
Destructive
Empty
Failing
Grounded
Hopeless
Insomniac
Jeered
Kind
Lost
Missing
Nothingness
Ominous
Pained
Qualm
Regretting
Sorrowful
Tainted
Used
Vexed
Wounded
Xeno-
Youthful
Zany

They fail to understand
They can’t see through my skin
They never seem to notice
They lost me to the wind.


I didn't want to start a new topic.  I just feel so on edge today.


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## Cat Dancer

I'm sorry that you're feeling on edge. I don't like feeling that way.


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## Laurie

Dear Enigma,
It is so nice to meet you.  My heart goes out to you –truly.  I wish I were a counselor and could help you.  Maybe I can just talk to you?  
I work at a college and many students come to me with their problems and concerns.  I usually ask them lots of questions about the things they are telling me and sometimes it helps them.  I realize though, we are all different and have different needs.  I would love to ask you some questions but if you would like me not to, please tell me.  If you don’t want to answer, or know the answer,that’s ok too.  Maybe there isn't one right now.  But if you’re comfortable sharing your thoughts with me, I would love that.  I must also agree with the others, you are a very good writer.  I noticed immediately.  
I hope this is not insulting to you for me to share some similar behaviour and feelings I have had in the past.  Please let me know if I offend you in any way as I wish only to help.  


> I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless.


The word ‘lost’ makes me think of when I feel like I’m all alone and don’t belong anywhere.  Do you feel that way sometimes?
I, too, pursue or engage in terribly destructive behaviour to my health/well-being when I get really down or upset or scared.  I am not sure what sometimes stops me (most of the time now) except maybe realizing after doing this many, many times that where this behaviour leads is not where I want to go and it did not make me feel better or resolve anything or get me any help.  Then I ask myself, what do I ‘think’ this action will do for me?  Distract me from my current misery?  Get attention from someone so they will notice I’m miserable and don’t know how to help myself and then they will help me and show me how to fix this and it will all be over?  When you are thinking of cutting yourself or anything else, can you put into words what you think this will do for you?  I know that I was (and sometimes still will be) so desperate for a change or a way out of my current situation that I will try anything to get me out of it.  Because anything is better than what I am currently enduring.  


> I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.


I also, have never been to a therapist.  I feel like I cannot talk to strangers about things so personal and I do not trust people.  Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy huh?   I also think “I’m not going to pay someone to listen to me complain…”   I agree with you, I think a therapist could help us learn how to ‘let it out’.  But until I do, I have to say that I’m so grateful for finding this site and the people seem so genuine and caring that I think it has helped me say things I’ve kept inside for years.  For me, I feel safe here and accepted. These things are very important to me.  I hope you are comforted in your own way by this resource as well.  What do you think so far?  
But I must also urge you to try to find a ‘live’ therapist.  If this web site can help people like you and me, can you imagine finding a live person who can do it?  Wouldn’t that be great?  


> All I want to do is to help someone.


How would you like to help someone?  At school?  At home?  A friend?  What would be the perfect situation for helping someone?
I too, find value for myself when I can help someone.  I would never have dreamed that my challenges and struggles that I have had to face would empower me to help others with the same or similar struggles.  I meet students at work that I have never spoken to before all the time, but it never ceases to amaze me how someone will be having problems with something and just happen to mention it to me and it will be something I have struggled with too.  Maybe when your situation gets better and you learn what helped you, you will have a friend come to you for help and you will be able to help them as well.  


> I know I shouldn’t be complaining as there are people worse off than me. I do know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I feel bad that I cannot cope as well as others can. I’m not sure how to get help.


I just have to say that you are just as important as everyone else.  Please don’t think that people who don’t talk about their struggles and challenges are coping fine.  Many of them just aren’t facing it like you are, or won’t even admit there is something they need to do better to be happy.  What you are doing is so good and healthy.  I am so glad you are doing it.
Speaking of happiness, if you could have anything in the world, any kind of life, job, hobby, lifestyle, anything at all  - what would that be?  


> Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it was so long.


I am just a person in another country but I am so privileged to read what you have written.  I would love to read more if you feel like writing more.
I will go for now for fear of being too presumptious with all my questions and comments.  I truly hope things get better for you soon.


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## David Baxter PhD

I feel grateful and very proud of everyone who has posted here in this thread... this epitomizes what I wanted this forum to be about... people listening to and helping other people... and people feeling safe enough to talk about what frightens and worries them.


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## Enigma

David Baxter said:
			
		

> I feel grateful and very proud of everyone who has posted here in this thread... this epitomizes what I wanted this forum to be about... people listening to and helping other people... and people feeling safe enough to talk about what frightens and worries them.



Yes, I would like to use this opportunity to thank everyone who has posted with useful advice.  At the other forum I was a member of, most people were only interested in getting their post count higher and not on the quality of their post.  They told me what they thought I wanted to hear, but I specifically told them not to, so in effect they were not listening and helping - I only felt worse.  However, here, as you quite rightly said, I feel more safe and comfortable.  Thank you all.

Laurie, thank you for your post, I really appreciate it.  I will reply soon, but tonight I have lots of homework to do.


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## Enigma

Well, this week I have a break from school, and now it's Thursday.  I’ve just realized that I’ve got so much homework and coursework to do and I go back to school on Monday!  I’m working so slowly, but I can’t help that as I like all my work to be good – well, who doesn’t?!

I don't know what to do. I feel so stressed and pressured.  Things are welling up inside again. And I'm not helping anyone, but I want to.


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## David Baxter PhD

Enigma, the best strategy here is to break things down into manageable chunks, and then to do what you can do today on at least one of those chunks, trying to focus on the progress you are making rather than on how much is left to do.

It's understandable that you want to do good work but try to keep in mind that doesn't mean _perfect_ work -- try to keep that in mind as you work. No matter how much work and time you put into something, you will probably always feel that it could be better, but is it _necessary_ that it be better? If you are writing an essay, it is just that - an essay - not a novel or your life's work.

Look at the list of assignments and studying you have to do and try to priorize them according to how much the assignements are worth. Then, given how much time you have left to do them, see if you can divide up the time proprotionally to the value of the marks each assignment is worth.


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## Enigma

David Baxter said:
			
		

> Then, given how much time you have left to do them, see if you can divide up the time proprotionally to the value of the marks each assignment is worth.



That's exactly my problem.  I have an assignment that's split up into two tasks and altogether worth 24 marks...how much have I done?  Pages and pages and I've not yet finished.  It seems that the amount of work I put into something is just not worth the number of marks and I end up feeling so frustrated.  If I did less, then I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get top marks.  I always try to get top marks, and seeing as it counts towards my exam, it seems reasonable.


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## Enigma

Robin Baxter said:
			
		

> Home | Relate - mainly used for relationship issues.
> 
> British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy - you are able to find counceling services here, but I don't think that these councelers will offer a free service. (not often, but it is worth a try)
> 
> http://www.bps.org.uk/findpsychologist/psychoindex2.cfm - The BPS is the British Psychological Society, and they have a page on their site that will help you find a therapist, again, most of these psychologists are not government funded.
> 
> Youth 2 Youth - youth2youth offers online help from youth to youth.
> 
> http://www.youngminds.org.uk/youngpeople/index.php - another online service with a search engine.



Thanks Robin, I found relate website really useful and even found that they are quite nearby!  I'm not too sure about the sites run by young people - I haven't had very good experiences with that.

However, when I go back to school, my teacher is finding me a school counsellor to talk to - I'm a bit wary about this - I'll have to wait and see, but do you think it's a good idea talking to someone at school?


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## David Baxter PhD

Enigma said:
			
		

> If I did less, then I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get top marks. I always try to get top marks, and seeing as it counts towards my exam, it seems reasonable.


No, you don't know for sure... you just think all that work is necessary but believe me it isn't.

I have taught at the university level for a number of years. Not infrequently, I see students writing a 5-10 essay on an exam or for a term paper when the question was answered in the first 2 or 3 pages. At that point, the student already has an A. To be honest, sometimes I stop reading at that point.

You're almost certainly doing much more work than is required.


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## Enigma

I do not know if I am doing more than required as the teacher didn't give us many guidelines.  I suppose I've got to the stage where I have to "think for myself".  And yes, you're right I don't know for sure, I shouldn't have said that.


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## Enigma

Laurie said:
			
		

> It is so nice to meet you.  My heart goes out to you –truly.  I wish I were a counselor and could help you.  Maybe I can just talk to you?



Laurie, it’s nice to “meet” you too.  Thank you for your reply – that in itself has been a great reassurance to me.  Anyone who can reach out in the way that everyone has in this thread – and especially you – from such a distance is really someone special to me.  I find that I need a lot of reassurance to make me feel somewhat better about myself.  I wish I could find it easier to accept compliments and believe what people say about me as I don’t think the same way.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> I would love to ask you some questions but if you would like me not to, please tell me.  If you don’t want to answer, or know the answer,that’s ok too.



Feel free to ask me questions – I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer all of them but I will try my best.  I believe that when people ask questions it would help me to form some sort of “knowledge base” to aid me in talking more; reason being is that I don’t know how to string words properly together into a complex question, and also it would encourage me to think about what I really want to achieve. 



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> I hope this is not insulting to you for me to share some similar behaviour and feelings I have had in the past.  Please let me know if I offend you in any way as I wish only to help.



I was not insulted or offended, but thank you for thinking about my feelings in advance.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> The word ‘lost’ makes me think of when I feel like I’m all alone and don’t belong anywhere.  Do you feel that way sometimes?



Yes, I do feel like that - more often than not, and I don't like it at all.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> When you are thinking of cutting yourself or anything else, can you put into words what you think this will do for you?



For me, I thought that cutting would let out what was vile within and for someone who doesn’t like pain, I can’t understand why I ever did such a thing.  When I first started, I did not know what effect it would have, but I soon realized that it calmed me down like nothing else.  Maybe I had a daring streak to my personality and did not care about myself – I only wanted to hurt myself so much.  I did not think about the consequences of my actions and now regret it very much.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> I also, have never been to a therapist.  I feel like I cannot talk to strangers about things so personal and I do not trust people.



I also find it hard to trust people.  I find it easier to talk to someone I don’t know as they wouldn’t be able to form an impression and judge me on their previous knowledge about me.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> I must also urge you to try to find a ‘live’ therapist.  If this web site can help people like you and me, can you imagine finding a live person who can do it?  Wouldn’t that be great?



Yes, that might be good for me – if only I can learn how to talk again.  It seems like I’m two or three different people.  When I’m outside I’m afraid of what people may think of me – mainly because they do not see the true me; but then again, I do not know what the “true me” might be as I have never felt comfortable with myself.

I know I have the brains to talk as I often found that I was speaking in my mind what I wanted to say but another part of my brain was not triggering the right receptors to produce the response – i.e. a voice using words to communicate!  Therefore, I’m going to train that part of the brain to not let me “close up” when I need to talk.  I’m not sure how I’ll do this, but I believe I’m getting more talkative already!  If I believe it will work, then it will work!  Believing is the key – I just have to unlock the potential.  I have no idea about my theories but I’ll try it out.

I just want to get that bottle I’ve been filling up and smash it to pieces and start again!  Create a new identity for myself; one where I can feel secure and at ease with myself.  I think that’s the main part of what’s eating me – my personality – I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to feel persecuted, I don’t want to be demoralised – all this because of something wrong with my personality.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> How would you like to help someone?  At school?  At home?  A friend?  What would be the perfect situation for helping someone?



In a nutshell, I would like to help someone give a smile.  Giving developing countries a chance to experience the richer life we have.  Helping someone find peace of mind.  Finding a way for people to lead better lives.  I just don’t know how to aid people when I can’t seem to discover a way to help myself.  When I can help someone I have a great sense of fulfilment.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> What you are doing is so good and healthy.



What am I doing?  Sometimes I don’t realize what I’m doing is good.



			
				Laurie said:
			
		

> Speaking of happiness, if you could have anything in the world, any kind of life, job, hobby, lifestyle, anything at all  - what would that be?



I would like to be able to improve my compositions and write a book.  I want to feel like I truly exist in this world, and doing those things will help me know that.  I would like a secure job that interests me – but there are so many things I want to do that perhaps is not humanly possible.  Maybe I want too much or have too many immaterial ambitions but it matters to me and somehow I don’t think this will ever be achieved.  I want a world free of wars for generations upon generations.  I would like everyone to lead a satisfied and happy life because when I look deeper I know that this world is actually a good place to inhabit – nature is beautiful, but do animals feel suicidal?  I know I do think quite stupidly sometimes.


Whenever I run from the pain it always catches up with me and seeks to destroy my being.  If I build a wall, like I have been doing, I can block the pain out, but if I keep on building walls, I end up trapped with nowhere to go and will be tormented in what I have created for myself.  Is there another way I can be rid of this?  If I faced the pain, be wise to its deceptions, I can find a way to liberate myself – but it takes careful planning, time and endurance to lead a fulfilled life.  And so I’m still waiting.

Again, sorry I wrote so much and I hope I made sense.  I find it difficult to express myself, and writing does not come easy for me, no matter what you may think of my writing.


----------



## SpaceTime

*Hello! *

Also, I know why you cut yourself. I've done the same.

It was a desperate cry for help. People do this when they feel extremely suicidal; and feel no other way out. Another way you can do this without hurting yourself (that is, making you feel calmer) is exterise for only 5 minutes. Some people cut themselfs repeatly because they KNOW that once they do it, it will make them feel calmer and better. It's a bad habit to get into. They get hooked on it. 

I still have scars from cutting myself. I wish I would've never done it..


----------



## SpaceTime

*Hello! *



			
				Enigma said:
			
		

> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It is so nice to meet you.  My heart goes out to you –truly.  I wish I were a counselor and could help you.  Maybe I can just talk to you?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie, it’s nice to “meet” you too.  Thank you for your reply – that in itself has been a great reassurance to me.  Anyone who can reach out in the way that everyone has in this thread – and especially you – from such a distance is really someone special to me.  I find that I need a lot of reassurance to make me feel somewhat better about myself.  I wish I could find it easier to accept compliments and believe what people say about me as I don’t think the same way.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I would love to ask you some questions but if you would like me not to, please tell me.  If you don’t want to answer, or know the answer,that’s ok too.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Feel free to ask me questions – I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer all of them but I will try my best.  I believe that when people ask questions it would help me to form some sort of “knowledge base” to aid me in talking more; reason being is that I don’t know how to string words properly together into a complex question, and also it would encourage me to think about what I really want to achieve.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I hope this is not insulting to you for me to share some similar behaviour and feelings I have had in the past.  Please let me know if I offend you in any way as I wish only to help.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I was not insulted or offended, but thank you for thinking about my feelings in advance.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The word ‘lost’ makes me think of when I feel like I’m all alone and don’t belong anywhere.  Do you feel that way sometimes?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Yes, I do feel like that - more often than not, and I don't like it at all.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> When you are thinking of cutting yourself or anything else, can you put into words what you think this will do for you?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> For me, I thought that cutting would let out what was vile within and for someone who doesn’t like pain, I can’t understand why I ever did such a thing.  When I first started, I did not know what effect it would have, but I soon realized that it calmed me down like nothing else.  Maybe I had a daring streak to my personality and did not care about myself – I only wanted to hurt myself so much.  I did not think about the consequences of my actions and now regret it very much.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I also, have never been to a therapist.  I feel like I cannot talk to strangers about things so personal and I do not trust people.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I also find it hard to trust people.  I find it easier to talk to someone I don’t know as they wouldn’t be able to form an impression and judge me on their previous knowledge about me.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I must also urge you to try to find a ‘live’ therapist.  If this web site can help people like you and me, can you imagine finding a live person who can do it?  Wouldn’t that be great?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Yes, that might be good for me – if only I can learn how to talk again.  It seems like I’m two or three different people.  When I’m outside I’m afraid of what people may think of me – mainly because they do not see the true me; but then again, I do not know what the “true me” might be as I have never felt comfortable with myself.
> 
> I know I have the brains to talk as I often found that I was speaking in my mind what I wanted to say but another part of my brain was not triggering the right receptors to produce the response – i.e. a voice using words to communicate!  Therefore, I’m going to train that part of the brain to not let me “close up” when I need to talk.  I’m not sure how I’ll do this, but I believe I’m getting more talkative already!  If I believe it will work, then it will work!  Believing is the key – I just have to unlock the potential.  I have no idea about my theories but I’ll try it out.
> 
> I just want to get that bottle I’ve been filling up and smash it to pieces and start again!  Create a new identity for myself; one where I can feel secure and at ease with myself.  I think that’s the main part of what’s eating me – my personality – I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to feel persecuted, I don’t want to be demoralised – all this because of something wrong with my personality.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How would you like to help someone?  At school?  At home?  A friend?  What would be the perfect situation for helping someone?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> In a nutshell, I would like to help someone give a smile.  Giving developing countries a chance to experience the richer life we have.  Helping someone find peace of mind.  Finding a way for people to lead better lives.  I just don’t know how to aid people when I can’t seem to discover a way to help myself.  When I can help someone I have a great sense of fulfilment.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What you are doing is so good and healthy.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> What am I doing?  Sometimes I don’t realize what I’m doing is good.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laurie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Speaking of happiness, if you could have anything in the world, any kind of life, job, hobby, lifestyle, anything at all  - what would that be?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I would like to be able to improve my compositions and write a book.  I want to feel like I truly exist in this world, and doing those things will help me know that.  I would like a secure job that interests me – but there are so many things I want to do that perhaps is not humanly possible.  Maybe I want too much or have too many immaterial ambitions but it matters to me and somehow I don’t think this will ever be achieved.  I want a world free of wars for generations upon generations.  I would like everyone to lead a satisfied and happy life because when I look deeper I know that this world is actually a good place to inhabit – nature is beautiful, but do animals feel suicidal?  I know I do think quite stupidly sometimes.
> 
> 
> Whenever I run from the pain it always catches up with me and seeks to destroy my being.  If I build a wall, like I have been doing, I can block the pain out, but if I keep on building walls, I end up trapped with nowhere to go and will be tormented in what I have created for myself.  Is there another way I can be rid of this?  If I faced the pain, be wise to its deceptions, I can find a way to liberate myself – but it takes careful planning, time and endurance to lead a fulfilled life.  And so I’m still waiting.
> 
> Again, sorry I wrote so much and I hope I made sense.  I find it difficult to express myself, and writing does not come easy for me, no matter what you may think of my writing.
Click to expand...


Nice to hear from you Enigma. The strange thing is..I'm 16 too and feel just like you!

I try to be nice to people; but have felt like they don't care. I'm suicidal too.. I've cut myself..and done all that.

I was really surprised when you said you're only 16. You write very well, and have an amazing vocabulary. I think it's GREAT you're not into drugs and doing WELL in school. Most depressed people have very bad marks in school. 

I don't do drugs either, and I do very well in school. If you see my most recent post, you'll see I'm dealing with a ton of problems too. Mainly, I'm so persistant in some things to a point of obession, hurt, and anger. I drive myself insane for good marks.

I've gotten Scholastic Achivement awards for the best improvements in my high school, my name and picture in the arizona newspaper, 50$ and a free breakfast. I've also gotten a card from the University of arizona inviting me to go there. 

This is a good thing; but its not. Because I'm so obessed with it, it drives me insane.

For you, you excel in language. For me, its mathmatics. I'm only take geometry in high school (the highest they teach), but I'm learning advanced calculus and physics (Even though I don't have any real tests for it!)

Here are some helpful tips I hope you please follow. I have depression too, so its easier for me to help you:

1) Please realize that there ARE people that care for you, and love you. Your parents love you..even if you don't think so. People here love you and care for you. That is the major thing of people with depression, they think everyone hates them and blame everything on themselfs. This is not the case! I am very nice in real life too, just like you. I try to help people, but I only dread on the negative when alot of people do like me, and they like you too! 

2) Please excerise when your feeling angry; depressed, etc. This helps alot. When you excerise, sterotonin in your brain rises (also called dopamine; it's the "feel good" chemical that calms you when you take drugs, but it happens naturally when you excerise) which will give you energy as well.

3) Come here if your feeling low. When someone else says something good about you; it interacts the "bad" things people say about you, and you'll feel happier and better about yourself.

4) Listen to motivational music. It helps; and makes you feel not so lonely and that other people have problems too. You're not alone.


Best wishes,

~Kevin.


----------



## Laurie

> I find that I need a lot of reassurance to make me feel somewhat better about myself. I wish I could find it easier to accept compliments and believe what people say about me as I don’t think the same way.


Hi Enigma!  It's good to hear from you I am like this too.  When I'm trying new things or learning new things or struggling with things I need lots of reassurance to give me the confidence to keep going.  It's really hard when I don't get it.  It's kind of funny, I find myself reassuring everyone around me when that is what I need.  If anyone ever really pays attention, they will read me very easily just by watching this in me.  I, consequently, always try to catch myself and stop <G>
I also have a really hard time with compliments.  I wonder why we are like that.  Why is it ok to compliment others (and if you're like me, this makes you feel really good about yourself) but not ok to accept them from others?  What do you think of yourself?  I think this is a really hard question and I could not tell you much about myself in this way.  If/when I figure it out, I'll share it with you.  I'll bet you're much better at this than I am though.  What do you think?


> I believe that when people ask questions it would help me to form some sort of “knowledge base” to aid me in talking more; reason being is that I don’t know how to string words properly together into a complex question, and also it would encourage me to think about what I really want to achieve.


I'm glad you think this way.  I am like that too.  That's also why I read discussions on this forum.  It helps me open up my mind to things I have not thought of, cause what I have thought of certainly isn't enough.  It's interesting that you say it would encourage you to think about what you want.  I hadn't thought of it that way.  I'm always trying to figure out the things that happened in my past.  I have great difficulty trying to decide what I really want.  I think I don't know how to want something.  Strange huh?  It is to me.  Sounds really weird to be saying it too.


> Yes, I do feel like that - more often than not, and I don't like it at all.


I hate it.  Someone in another post said she felt like a 'spectator'.  I thought that was a good way to put it.  Like everyone around you is living and you really aren't - you just watch them.  I just want to find my niche and feel like I'm in the right place and I belong there and there is balance in my life.  I just don't know what that looks like so it's hard for me to reach for it.  Make sense?


> For me, I thought that cutting would let out what was vile within and for someone who doesn’t like pain, I can’t understand why I ever did such a thing. When I first started, I did not know what effect it would have, but I soon realized that it calmed me down like nothing else. Maybe I had a daring streak to my personality and did not care about myself – I only wanted to hurt myself so much. I did not think about the consequences of my actions and now regret it very much.


I cannot imagine what you must be going through as I have never done this.  Hmm...do you remember what went through your mind the first time?  I was thinking that that must have been the hardest and I'm wondering what made you cross the line and actually do it.  I also wonder if the physical pain (in addition to the symbolism of letting out what is vile) isn't a distraction and easier than the emotional pain.  When pain was too much for me, I used to allow men to degrade me - it got me attention but not the kind I was desperate for, but it also made me hit rock bottom and when you do that, you can only come up and that was the only way I knew to get myself in the upward swing.  Terrible, terrible consequences I am facing now because of those choices.  Now, I watch serial killer movies.  I am so fascinated by the criminal mind and it is so dark and heavy and intriquing that  it helps me forget or put in place whatever is upsetting me.  For some strange reason, I also feel stronger afterwards.  I also think it's an outlet for my anger.  I bottle everything, and when I get really really mad, I just watch some of my movies and I'm not mad anymore.  Can you see that I'm really not dealing with it at all?  That's another reason I read this forum.  I need to grow up and really face all this stuff.


> I also find it hard to trust people. I find it easier to talk to someone I don’t know as they wouldn’t be able to form an impression and judge me on their previous knowledge about me.


Exactly.  And, I don't worry about running into someone I talk to on here when I'm not ready to talk about something or face it right then.  And it's not scheduled.  I can come and talk when I can/want and I'm in control.  I really love this because it makes me 100% accountable for my choice to try to get better and I don't have to give anyone else credit for that.  It's not muddied up with having to keep an appointment or feel obligated.  I think the more we make good choices, the easier it gets.  And the better we feel about ourselves, the easier it will be to feel comfortable facing someone in person without all the hangups.  What do you think?


> I know I have the brains to talk as I often found that I was speaking in my mind what I wanted to say but another part of my brain was not triggering the right receptors to produce the response


Yep. I understand this one too.  My Mom was always asking me what I was thinking etc... and I used to get so frustrated and feel so dumb because I could not answer her.  She would push harder and harder and I just couldn't think of a word.  It was more like a picture in my mind and I could not think of words to describe the picture.  


> If I believe it will work, then it will work! Believing is the key – I just have to unlock the potential. I have no idea about my theories but I’ll try it out.


I believe you are exactly right.  And what a positive and brave attitude!  It really encourages me to read these words.  Thanks!    


> Create a new identity for myself; one where I can feel secure and at ease with myself.


When you think of creating a new identity, what are the ingredients/characteristics you think of?  I'm going to think of this too.  It's a good way to find out how to reach my goals.  In other words, if security is an ingredient in the 'new you' how did you get it?  Was it just always there? Were you raised differently and that was the result?  Or do you just react differently? or.....


> all this because of something wrong with my personality.


Do you think something is wrong with your personality or did someone tell you this?  What do you think is wrong?


> What am I doing? Sometimes I don’t realize what I’m doing is good.


You are putting a lot of effort into becoming the person you want to be.  I'm sure it's not always easy to come talk here.  I know for me it isn't.  But you keep working at finding out how to feel better, be better.  That's very positive -don't you think so?


> I would like to be able to improve my compositions and write a book. I want to feel like I truly exist in this world, and doing those things will help me know that.......... I would like a secure job that interests me – but there are so many things I want to do that perhaps is not humanly possible. Maybe I want too much or have too many immaterial ambitions but it matters to me and somehow I don’t think this will ever be achieved.


I think it would be wonderful if you wrote a book!  Any idea what you would write about?
I'm interested in many things too.  I want to work in a million different businesses just to learn how they work.  I do wonder about myself here though cause I will never be really good at one thing if I keep this up.  But I'm efficient at many, so it's not all bad.  I need to be challenged constantly to be happy.  That's a hard thing to be.  But I also wish I could just settle down with one or two things and really excel at them and be an expert.  I just haven't found what that is.


> Whenever I run from the pain it always catches up with me and seeks to destroy my being. If I build a wall, like I have been doing, I can block the pain out, but if I keep on building walls, I end up trapped with nowhere to go and will be tormented in what I have created for myself. Is there another way I can be rid of this?


Ooh, you are so right here.  I have been cementing the walls for years and  it is so hard to try to dissolve them.  I shake while I'm typing on here sometimes.   And you're also right, we create these things for ourselves.  That's why I think it's so good that we keep talking and reading here.  I think it's very helpful and healing.  I hope we both find the way out of this.


> Again, sorry I wrote so much and I hope I made sense. I find it difficult to express myself, and writing does not come easy for me, no matter what you may think of my writing.


I'm glad you wrote what you did.  I want to hear what you have to say and you made perfect sense to me and I look forward to hearing from you again.


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Hi Enigma, 

Just wanted to say School offered theorapy is sometimes judged a little too harshly.  I went to see mine, all through high school, they wont just take your problems with a pinch of salt, and if they do not think that they can help you, they will get you the help you need. 

ttyl

Robs


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## Brilliant and Loving Life

*High Achievement*

Hi Enigma and Kevin reading your posts reminded me of how I felt at your age. I did some research online regarding my own obsessive high achievement behaviour and I came across a magnificent helpful quote.
Explained with a story of how bronze medal winners are happier than silver medal winners because of their attitude towards achievement.

"Manage your expectations of success for maximum happiness."
(check out www.thehappyguy.com, many relevant topics discussed here)

In the past I pursued achievements, eventually mastering a large online team game to become a world champion after several years of constant play. 

When I achieved that goal I felt dissastisfied, anxious and confused. 
I'd climbed the mountain and there was no new view.

It had been my goal, I'd struggled with all of my strength to achieve it, working an average of 20 hours a day for years. 
Once I was successful I had to maintain it. That was the difficulty that caused me anxiety at the time. Fear of losing, fear of regressing from my peak of performance.

I felt that my success was unrewarded because my aspiriation was not only considered frivalous but a failure because of the price I payed with the rest of my life. Prior to success I percieved it as being an interesting and justifable personal challenge that gave me value.

Nobody really cared that I had done it except for my peers on the game. I didn't care about those people and so it meant nothing to me. 
Even when I was famous and constantly in the spotlight to 130,000 people online and someone had formed a fanclub devoted to me. 
If my family, friends were proud of it that perhaps would have been different but it was as if I had done something wrong not something right. 

Now in the light of hindsight I wish I had pursued the things that would have been relevant to those who were important in my life and also sensible to the course of my life as a whole entity. That is finding the correct and relevant aspects of life that would be of future importance to me before I focused my direction on an achievement. 
Being egocentric I believed that if it mattered to me, that was enough.
How wrong I was on that point.

David has mentioned some things about time management. 

I agree with putting an empthasis on the consideration of how much time is one subject or task worth and I'd also suggest considering the implications of your actions as they will be viewed by the wider community, particularly your immediate family and close friends.

Academic success will not be as harmful to your life as my choices were to mine however remember not to exclude others from your journey as when the journey ends, what is remaining?

A more prominent question is who is remaining? 

Time invested in friendship early in life, particularly in highschool can be invaluable.  I regret many things, but mostly I regret the loss of people from my life.

To ever escape from pursuing achievement as a sole centralisation of  your personal power you are going to need supportive friends and an understanding of their importance in your life.

I wish you great success. 
You're both highly talented young men with great journeys ahead of you.


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## Enigma

Thank you everyone for your encouraging posts.

I've been in a bad way, so I haven't been able to post much.  I feel extremely selfish for coming back here, when I didn't help anyone.

I stopped seeing the school counsellor as it didn't work for me.  I've got nowhere to go and because Christmas is looming, I'm going to have to keep it bottled up for a while longer as I don't want to spoil it for everyone.

With thanks,
- Enigma


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## ThatLady

Enigma, by bringing your feelings here, you are not spoiling anything for anyone. Talking about those feelings, particularly if they are causing you to feel depressed, is much better than bottling them up. To tell you the truth, it would spoil things much more (at least, for me) to think that you were keeping those feeling inside yourself and suffering for doing so. I think that's true for the others here, as well.


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## Laurie

I don’t think you are selfish for talking on the forum and not ‘helping’.  I wish you could see that what you say helps others who cannot verbalize similar feelings.  That is very helpful and valuable.  Please don’t stop talking on here.  I am sure I am not the only one who feels like this.  

And I would love to hear your thoughts about Christmas.  I have not had a Christmas since high school and I’m 41 years old.  I am on a quest to find out what people’s traditions are so I can develop my own.  I want to know what they do on Christmas Eve, for Christmas dinner, whether they exchange gifts or not and why and what they do on Christmas day.  I don’t know what is troubling you about it, but I would love to hear.  I know several people who have stopped celebrating it as they don’t receive any pleasure from it.  What is bothering you?  If you want to share it. J


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## Enigma

Thank you ThatLady and Laurie.

I feel that Christmas should be a happy time.  Well, it was alright - didn't feel like Christmas, but perhaps it's a sign of me getting old too quick!

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to achieve, but I don't know where to start.  Any suggestions?  I find it difficult to take things one step at a time.

- Enigma


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## ThatLady

Taking things one step at a time, for most of us, is a skill that is learned. By piling too much on your plate at once, you almost doom yourself to failure. If nothing else, enough failures and you learn not to do dat no more. ;o)

Start with something small and short-term. If, for instance, a person finds that they tend to let things go around the house until they're having to blaze a trail to get to the bathroom, taking steps to remedy that issue is a good place for that person to start...especially, that area between where you spend most of your time and the bathroom. :cackle:

Pick something that's bothering you and make a step-by-step plan of how to remedy the problem. Start slowly and keep working on it. Don't beat yourself up if you slip, just pick it up the next day and keep moving forward. When you get that task done, pick another task and approach it the same way. You'd be surprised how quickly you'll see improvement in your day-to-day life, and your satisfaction with yourself and your accomplishments.


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## Jon

Enigma,

I was very like you at 16.  I didn't want to talk to my parents either.  The funny thing was that years later when I did make the effort to talk to my parents I found it to be a big help to me and surprisingly to them also.

If you can see a therapist first, that would probably be helpful to you.  I can remember how I felt.  I was very athletic, but was an outcast by the "Jocks" because I was friends with those who needed friends most.  I was friends with those the popular kids made fun of, so naturally I fell into that.  I left high school early and completed my GED through a community college where students have mostly grown out of that high school attitude.  It really helped me.  I don't know if they have something like that there but it wouldn't hurt to look into it.  And always do your best.  When you get marks against you, take a look at what you got wrong and then focus on those issues on the next paper.  Take it as positive criticism and then use it to your advantage.  

Also, never give up.  Others here have made mention of your writing skills.  You seem like a smart kid.  I was & really struggled in school for many reasons.  I kept a journal then & later burned it when reading it only depressed me.  But even that was therapeutic to me.  It helped me to burn away the painful past and get on with the present and future.  

I am not a doctor or anything, just another person who has been there.  I now work in the high tech industry, run my own aquarium fish business and work with troubled youth on a volunteer basis in my area.  Remember that no matter how bad you feel things are, you are strong enough to get past it and make a difference in this world.  If you feel that those here or someone else is able to help you, return the favor by helping another - that is where the real help comes into play.

<edit by Admin>


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## Enigma

Thank you ThatLady, I will try to do what you suggested, but at the moment I haven't got much motivation.

Thank you also, Jon, for your understanding.

This place is so great and very supportive, I wish I could come here more often.  It's the one place where I can feel comfortable, even though I haven't helped anyone, and you know how I feel about that.


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## ThatLady

What makes you think you haven't helped anyone, Enigma? It's my bet that you have. By posting your feelings in such eloquent terms you let others, who may feel much the same, know they are not alone, just as you are not alone. We're all on this planet together, and just by being together we can help each other through the hard parts.


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## crr890

Hey enigma.

A couple years ago i was in a similar situation. 

I think the first step is to go to therapy. At first, i was very nervous about going to therapy. My parents noticed my tired and fatigued physical condition and thought i might be having problems at school, so they encouraged me to see a therapist (I had told my parents nothing of my condition). I eventually went and after the first meeting i didn't feel so nervous about it. It has really helped me out.

I'd also suggest working out or playing some kind of sport. I used to come home after school and play tennis everyday. It took my mind off the problems in life and i kinda escaped reality for those 2 hours i played everyday. It also helped me sleep ALOT better.


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## ader

Enigma said:
			
		

> This is what they teach me
> This is how I feel
> This is but the alphabet
> This is what is real.
> 
> Alone
> Broken
> Careless
> Destructive
> Empty
> Failing
> Grounded
> Hopeless
> Insomniac
> Jeered
> Kind
> Lost
> Missing
> Nothingness
> Ominous
> Pained
> Qualm
> Regretting
> Sorrowful
> Tainted
> Used
> Vexed
> Wounded
> Xeno-
> Youthful
> Zany
> 
> They fail to understand
> They can’t see through my skin
> They never seem to notice
> They lost me to the wind.
> 
> 
> I didn't want to start a new topic.  I just feel so on edge today.



You should keep expressing yourself. Make an online diary or something too. 

You should also discuss the things that are bothering you that you are keeping in. We will listen.


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## Enigma

Well, I don’t think I haven’t helped anyone directly then.  Whenever I post about myself I feel bad as it seems like I’m attention seeking.  Thank you for you kind words, ThatLady.

My parents haven’t really noticed anything wrong with me, but I know I’m not coping with school.  I’ve just been predicted a B for maths – so my work is slipping.  I think going into therapy would help me a lot because the counsellors I’ve seen haven’t helped me much.  I need to find a way of talking to my parents without hurting them – I’m afraid to see their reaction and whether or not they will be able to cope with me in this state.

Sport does help me, but it’s sad that I haven’t found much time for it recently.  Thanks, crr890.

I do try to write down how I feel in the form of poetry or prose.  I stopped keeping a diary as I found I just didn't have the time to write every night.


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