# Depression



## Ashley-Kate (Apr 15, 2011)

I spoke to my psychologist the other day and he told me that if ever i felt i was in danger and that i would try to hurt myself or end my life i should call a crisis center, I was asking myself when is that moment. I am struggling lately I am extremely depressed and my life seems to resume to nothing good. A couple of days ago i was hospitalized for medical reasons due to anorexia, and bulimia, I was released yesterday. I am still very much depressed I thought i would have snapped realized i wanted to live and just give up but that is not the case. I have never wanted to die as much as i do now and the worst part is i feel conflicted because part of me wants to fight yet I _{think about suicide}_ and it would all be over I chose to not go and get my meds from the pharmacy, sleeping pills and antidepressants prescribed only for a duration of 3 days at a time because of my current mental state but i feel very tired and i just don't know how long i can hang on. I can't go outside in daylight anymore because i get really bad migraines when it's too light out and i feel so lost. I don't want life yet i feel i should. I don't know what to do. my boyfriend knows i am depressed my family as well but i feel i can't tell them to what extent cause they wouldn't understand. I just don't want to be a burden for them anymore. 
what to do 
Ashley


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Apr 15, 2011)

Maybe that time is now, Ashley.

You've been here before and you beat it before so you can do it again. But someimes we all need a live human being reminding us of that.

If you are feeling vulnerable or at risk tonight call that crisis line:

*Suicide Action Montreal* Hotline. Suicide intervention, referrals and support group for those who have lost someone to suicide. Usually bilingual. 723-4000

*Tel-Aide* Confidential listeners. Staffed by volunteers, so if there's no one there who speaks English, they will refer you to the next shift or try to find someone to help you. 935-1101 

*Suicide Prevention Line*
_Service available in most areas of Qu?bec_
Crisis: 1-866-277-3553
24 hours​


----------



## Ashley-Kate (Apr 15, 2011)

thank you, david, for the english speaking I am actually french.   I see my psychologist on monday so it's not like it's that far away or anything and he is well aware of how i am at the moment they also transfered me to a day program in a hospital for people living a crisis situation but I won't hear from that program for another week at least so I am freaking out, being like i am for another week..I see a psychologist twice a week at the moment but everything seems so difficult lately. it'S hard, and well i am always with my boyfriend, so i don't feel comfortable calling at night cause he is always with me and it's at night i have a hard time.  but if i wait, I don't know if tat's the right thing to do, I tend to overdose on meds simply to ease the pain of my head akes so i am already testing my bodies limits.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Apr 15, 2011)

Things often do seem more difficult at night. If you don't want to call because your boyfriend is there, let him know you need some company and support. Wake him up if you need to.


----------



## Retired (Apr 16, 2011)

Ashley,

Here are French speaking crisis lines:

Centre de pr?vention du suicide de Qu?bec

Qu?bec, QC  

Services d'intervention 24 heures/24, 7jours/7 (1-866-APPELLE) 1-866-277-3553 
    si tu as besoin d'aide imm?diatement ou... 
Services d'intervention 24 heures/24, 7jours/7  418-683-4588 
    si tu as besoin d'aide imm?diatement 
Business 418-683-0933 
Fax 418-683-5956 

accueil@cpsquebec.ca
Centre de Pr?vention du Suicide de Qu?bec



> part of me wants to fight



As has been said, you have been a fighter ever since you we have known you here, so you need to focus on all your good reasons for living, for those who love you and for the good things in your life.

Have you spoken yo your doctor about your headaches?  If indeed your headaches are migraines, Ashley, they can be treated with the right medication.  I can tell you first hand that migraine medications relieve the migraine very quickly so you need to speak to your doctor.

It is understandable that with the stress of your hospitalization and your therapy that you can do without severe migraine.

Get your boyfriend involved in helping you theough this difficult time.

Can you call your doctor for an appointment to talk about your thoughts of suicide?

Remember that when you are having thoughts of suicide, reach out to your boyfriend for help or call the crisis line and if  if you feel yourself in real danger of suicide call 911.


----------



## Ashley-Kate (Apr 16, 2011)

thank you,
   My dr. is well aware of my current mind set wich is why i am on a waiting list for a crisis program but well sort of stupid to have a waiting list for that.. I see my psychologist every week he too is informed. My boyfriend knows about the depression and the exhaustion and a bit about the fact that suicide has been thought of yet i don't want him to feel like he has to be on suicide watch with me it's not the relationship i want to have with him.
thanks ash


----------



## Ashley-Kate (Apr 19, 2011)

Hello, 
I spoke to my psychologist today I see him again on Wednesday. I really trust him a lot it's the first time in therapy that i actually open up to the therapist, oddly enough online it's seems to be easier because i know no one has the slightest clue who i am so i feel safe. I spoke to my psychologist about my current mental state and about how i am at the moment, he took what i was saying very seriously and made me make a deal that i would be there for my next appointment and that the only way i can be helped is if i maintain that deal of staying alive and not making any dangerous moves. He feels that i am suicidal and that those thoughts are getting more and more present, yet i am on a waiting list for a day program and he can't speed up the process cause it's only a 1-2 week wait. I am so very tired, everything seems so difficult lately, days seem to last forever, I can't go out anymore my PTSD has intensified and I feel terrified all the time flashes all the time, It's hard to try to keep on living now.


----------



## Retired (Apr 19, 2011)

Ashley,

I am glad to hear you have such a great rapport with your psychologist.  Although waiting for two weeks may seem like a long time, it is not, if you compare a two week period to the way you have had the strength to deal with your disorder until now.  You are a very strong and resilient person, and by taking it one day at a time, you will see your psychologist for your next appointment, and then you will be admitted to the day program.

In the meantime, use us here as your sounding board as often as you need.

Promise to us, as you have to your psychologist, that you will keep yourself safe until your next appointment.

Is there anyone in your family or perhaps a trusted friend you can visit periodically or who can come to spend time with you during this time?


----------

