# I Can't Stop Drinking



## Roy H. (Aug 16, 2009)

I can't stop drinking. I have been to treatment once, but I feel so shy that I found it hard to fit in at treatmant. My family is now trying to force me back into treatment, and I don't know what I am gonna do. 


I feel suicidal and depressed; my life feels like it is worthless--like I'm a worthless piece of garbage to my family. I can't believe how hard this life is. I'm not looking for sympathy here, I just wanted to talk to someone.


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## Fiver (Aug 16, 2009)

Talking here is a good start, Roy. I'm impressed by how you worded this: "my life feels like it is worthless--like I'm a worthless piece of garbage to my family."  Just because it feels like it's worthless doesn't make it worthless. The fact that you used the syntax this way says a lot to me, that you know there's a spark in there worth fighting for.

I'm not well-versed in this area, but I'm looking forward to reading the responses of those who are. You're worth it, Roy. I know it, and somewhere in side you know it, too.


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## ladylore (Aug 17, 2009)

My advice would be to call up the treatment centre and see what other resources are in the area. For example: therapists that deal with addiction, or AA. 

Have you ever been to a meeting? They do provide you a good place to go and loads of support. But definitely call up the treatment centre and see what resources they can point you too.

I get this because I am not one for groups either. I personally have dealt with addiction and have come out the other side. It can be done.


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## Roy H. (Aug 17, 2009)

Fiver said:


> Talking here is a good start, Roy. I'm impressed by how you worded this: "my life feels like it is worthless--like I'm a worthless piece of garbage to my family."  Just because it feels like it's worthless doesn't make it worthless. The fact that you used the syntax this way says a lot to me, that you know there's a spark in there worth fighting for.
> 
> I'm not well-versed in this area, but I'm looking forward to reading the responses of those who are. You're worth it, Roy. I know it, and somewhere in side you know it, too.



Thank you for your words, Fiver. I just wanted to talk to someone right now. 

I'm cryin' right now...I can't believe it. grown man crying...I feel so lame. I just don't know what's going to happen next.


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## ladylore (Aug 17, 2009)

Tears are a good thing. Feel crappy but they are a good thing. Your not alone Roy. And asking for help is an incredibly courageous thing to do.:2thumbs:


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## Roy H. (Aug 17, 2009)

ladylore said:


> Tears are a good thing. Feel crappy but they are a good thing. Your not alone Roy. And asking for help is an incredibly courageous thing to do.:2thumbs:



I just don't know where else to go.   I'm scared right now..really scared. I don't know if I'm gonna blow my head off or not. 


I am glad I have a forum here to chat with like-minded people who've been through what I've been through.


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## Fiver (Aug 17, 2009)

And as far as a grown man crying...okay. I think it's good. You're scared, you feel alone. Heck, I cry under those circumstances, too, and I don't think it matters that I'm not a man. Sex has no monopoly on the expression of feelings.

*ladylore* gave you some good starting points. But the thing is, are you at the point where you're ready for a change...for yourself? I'm getting the impression that you are, and that it's not just for your family that you want to stop drinking. You _are_ worth doing something positive for you, for yourself. 

Cut yourself a break tonight, and recognize that you are taking that first step because you deserve it.


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## Roy H. (Aug 17, 2009)

Fiver said:


> And as far as a grown man crying...okay. I think it's good. You're scared, you feel alone. Heck, I cry under those circumstances, too, and I don't think it matters that I'm not a man. Sex has no monopoly on the expression of feelings.
> 
> *ladylore* gave you some good starting points. But the thing is, are you at the point where you're ready for a change...for yourself? I'm getting the impression that you are, and that it's not just for your family that you want to stop drinking. You _are_ worth doing something positive for you, for yourself.
> 
> Cut yourself a break tonight, and recognize that you are taking that first step because you deserve it.


Yeah, I think my drinking days are over. It's cost me so much pain and loss. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety; my mother has bipolar and has been on lithium for about 30 years. I think I might be bipolar and need lithium, but I'm not sure.


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## ladylore (Aug 17, 2009)

Here is a site that offers crisis services. They are very good. All you need to do is go down the list to find the number closest to you and call. Your worth it. :support:

Befrienders


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## ladylore (Aug 17, 2009)

Right now you need all the support you can get. But going to your doctor to talk to him/her about what your going through is a good idea too.

The drinking does worsen depression, so your right on the money there.


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## Fiver (Aug 17, 2009)

You've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety; are you currently seeing the practitioner who diagnosed you? If not, is there a possibility that you can make the connection again? That might be a good goal for tomorrow, to find a professional to give you the proper guidance you need right now.

And again, LL smacks it head on. You don't have to be alone with this tonight. There are places to call for immediate help if you're willing to reach out there. Roy, you are deserving of that help, you are.


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## Roy H. (Aug 17, 2009)

Fiver said:


> You've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety; are you currently seeing the practitioner who diagnosed you? If not, is there a possibility that you can make the connection again? That might be a good goal for tomorrow, to find a professional to give you the proper guidance you need right now.
> 
> And again, LL smacks it head on. You don't have to be alone with this tonight. There are places to call for immediate help if you're willing to reach out there. Roy, you are deserving of that help, you are.



I'm not seeing anyone regularly. I am a (late 20s) student right now and was working with someone from my campus to try to tackle some of anxiety issues, but not anymore.


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## Fiver (Aug 17, 2009)

So if I were in your situation, Roy, I'd feel better tonight if I could set some kind of goal, no matter how small, to tackle for the morning. That goal, for me, would be to find a practitioner experienced in the mental health field who could see me as soon as possible. If you don't have the funds to pay out of pocket, there are community services that offer assistance. The fact that you've had a previous diagnosis of depression, coupled with the dual diagnosis of substance abuse, prompts me to urge you to take action, regardless of how hard that step will be.

You've done the first part right here. You've reached out and asked for someone told talk to you, to hold your hand. The next step is up to you, and it's the hard step. Can you do it? Are you willing? Are you willing to try with continued support from those of us here who've already offered our hand to you?

Again, regardless of how alone in the world you feel, you don't need to be. But you have to take the steps.


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## Into The Light (Aug 17, 2009)

how are you doing today, roy? have you made any appointments?


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## Roy H. (Aug 18, 2009)

I feel a little sick. I get nauseous real bad after binging - had only a couple bites of food today.  One of the worst problems with binge drinking is insomnia, which I have right now. 

My folks and I are going to get in touch with the previous doctor a little sooner. I had a follow up due at the end of the month, but we want to talk to her a little sooner and see if I need to either be committed or go to treatment. I'm on prozac and seroquel right now and I take hydroxyzine (as needed) for anxiety. We were going to follow up on my meds, but I want to do it sooner now. I have passive thoughts of suicide...no specific plans, just thoughts of worthlessness. Again, she wasn't my regular doctor, just someone who followed up with me after I had a  previous stayed order of committment. 

This binge drinking is so over now. I just can't take it anymore. It looks like regardless, my life is going to be put on hold now until I can get my head clear, and then I can continue to pursue my B.A. degree and further.


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## Fiver (Aug 18, 2009)

Roy, I'm so glad you came back. I was really afraid you might not. Thank you, sincerely, for coming back to let us know what's up.

So hey, take a look at the positive things that have happened so far: You've got the support of your folks. While parents can be a definite pain in the ass, for the most part they've got your best interests in their hearts. You're going to see your doc -- or at least a doc -- a little sooner. This is good, real good. It means you took action today to fix a problem that you recognize. That's a big step, a big one, and take pride in that, okay?

Putting your life on hold for a while isn't such a bad thing. Ultimately, it's going to be the best thing for you because you'll come out of it with some clear goals and some tools to achieve those goals. Maybe it might feel like just treading water, but it's actually a temporary stop to put things in order. You're doing the right things here, Roy. You took the steps, and if you'll forgive me if this sounds patronizing, I'd like to tell you that I'm proud of you for doing it.

You're not alone. You've got family, you've got folks here who care, and if you'll take just one more step, you can find a lot of support at meetings, even if it's nothing more than getting out of the house and out of your head for an hour or so. Sometimes that in itself can make a day a little bit better.

Man, I am so glad to see you came back tonight. You've been in my thoughts.


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## Roy H. (Aug 18, 2009)

Fiver said:


> Roy, I'm so glad you came back. I was really afraid you might not. Thank you, sincerely, for coming back to let us know what's up.
> 
> So hey, take a look at the positive things that have happened so far: You've got the support of your folks. While parents can be a definite pain in the ass, for the most part they've got your best interests in their hearts. You're going to see your doc -- or at least a doc -- a little sooner. This is good, real good. It means you took action today to fix a problem that you recognize. That's a big step, a big one, and take pride in that, okay?
> 
> ...



If I told my life story, it'd take several pages here. A lot of stuff has happened to me in the last year alone: stayed order of commitment; threats of suicide; loss of my girlfriend of five years; a family that has finally come to the end with them tolerating with my eratic behavior. My sisters don't even want anything to do with me anymore. I don't have many friends anymore either, at least none that maintain any significant amount of sobriety. I'm afraid I will have to battle my CD issues for the rest of my life, and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I do like the love that people display on this site though, when my sense of humanity at times in the real world has been so tarnished with all the evil in the world. I feel a sense of brotherhood/sisterhood on this forum. It's good to have this place to if nothing else at least talk to some people who actually have some sort of idea where I'm coming from. 

The one thing that the few doc's I've talked to in the last year or so has been the fact that alcohol negates any possitive affects that Rx are to have, which is why they gave me an ultimatum the last time I went to the behavioral health unit downtown. They said I needed to clean up (stop using) for the meds for depression/anxiety to work for me. That's why I might have to go back to treatment and make permanent changes in my life for the better.


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## Fiver (Aug 18, 2009)

There are plenty of pages to use up if you feel like writing it out. I'd sure read it. I've screwed up plenty in my 46 years, and I also have burned bridges and alienated a sister or two (although I'm realizing that this was a blessing in disguise.) None of my screwups were due to substance abuse but you know what? It doesn't matter. We all make mistakes, and we all deserve the chance to prove ourselves to those we've hurt if that's what we want to do.

You're going to do it in small steps, Roy. Very small steps. With a few steps backward here and there. And listen, I'm not just talking out of my ass here, okay? My circumstances are different in specifics, but it all boils down to starting over and accepting the small victories as we win them. You'll win them, too. (And I can't believe that I, of all people, am about to say this but) Be patient. You can't fix it all in one felled swoop. It takes time and hard work.

And it's worth it.

I get your disillusionment with the real world. But keep your eyes open, Roy. If you know ahead of time that there are good people right in front of you even in the middle of adversity, you'll find them. You'll see them. The problem is, when we're in pain, we shut our eyes hard because it hurts so much, and then we can't see the good people who have been right there for us to see if our eyes were open.

Yeah, it may sound idiotic, but I've found this to be a basic truth in my life for nigh on thirty years now. You just have to remember to keep those eyes open.


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## Roy H. (Aug 18, 2009)

Fiver said:


> There are plenty of pages to use up if you feel like writing it out. I'd sure read it. I've screwed up plenty in my 46 years, and I also have burned bridges and alienated a sister or two (although I'm realizing that this was a blessing in disguise.) None of my screwups were due to substance abuse but you know what? It doesn't matter. We all make mistakes, and we all deserve the chance to prove ourselves to those we've hurt if that's what we want to do.
> 
> You're going to do it in small steps, Roy. Very small steps. With a few steps backward here and there. And listen, I'm not just talking out of my ass here, okay? My circumstances are different in specifics, but it all boils down to starting over and accepting the small victories as we win them. You'll win them, too. (And I can't believe that I, of all people, am about to say this but) Be patient. You can't fix it all in one felled swoop. It takes time and hard work.
> 
> ...



No, it doesn't sound idiotic. I think it makes sense. I guess the booze probably doesn't help to see the positive things in life, and I hope somehow I can defeat these CD issues and get the right meds to straighten my life out. 

My mother took lithium for the last 30 years or so, and I don't know if that sort of mood stabilizer is what I need - and I might - but I likewise need to sober up for my own good and out of respect to those around me, because it's disrespectful to drink the way I do around my family...baricade myself in my basement, and watch my grades suffer because of this stupidity as well.


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## Fiver (Aug 18, 2009)

Two things stick out to me here, Roy:



Roy H. said:


> My mother took lithium for the last 30 years or so, and I don't know if that sort of mood stabilizer is what I need - and I might -



Okay, you might or you might not. The thing is, a proper diagnosis and treatment really can't be offered while you're still drinking and masking whatever non-alcohol symptoms might be lurking beneath. This would be one very good reason to abstain, so that a real diagnosis can be made based on real symptoms.



> but I likewise need to sober up for my own good


 and that's where I'm going to stop you. It's noble and considerate that you also respect your family and wish to make their lives easier, but first and foremost you need to sober up for you. You, Roy, deserve to be free from what's holding you back. You deserve to be happy, and if alcohol abuse is keeping you from that state, then you deserve to sober up for _you first._

You do deserve a shot at happiness. You're worth it. I mean, look how you've engaged me here two nights in a row. Heck, I'm enjoying this conversation with you. You're articulate, intelligent, sensitive, and you seem like a genuinely good man. You've got a lot going for you. I think you're worth it and I hope that you'll see it pretty soon, too.


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## white page (Aug 18, 2009)

Dear Roy H,


> You do deserve a shot at happiness. You're worth it. I mean, look how you've engaged me here two nights in a row. Heck, I'm enjoying this conversation with you. You're articulate, intelligent, sensitive, and you seem like a genuinely good man. You've got a lot going for you. I think you're worth it and I hope that you'll see it pretty soon, too.



I echo the words of Fiver, I have been reading your posts,  It takes courage to face into the reality of ones own self abusive behaviour. 
Your consideration for your family is very moving, it is also important to show the same consideration and caring towards yourself, you *are* worth it, there are many resources available to help you towards understanding why you hurt yourself in this way, take one step at a time, the most important step has been taken by your honesty and self awareness. 

my very best wishes wphttp://forum.psychlinks.ca/editpost.php?do=editpost&p=142535


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## ladylore (Aug 18, 2009)

I am glad to see you too. Two questions left unanswered. Did you call up the treatment centre to see about a therapist that deals with addiction. Have you found out where an AA meeting is in your community? 

Talking from experience, you need support and something like AA is a great place to start.


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## Roy H. (Aug 18, 2009)

Fiver said:


> Two things stick out to me here, Roy:
> 
> Okay, you might or you might not. The thing is, a proper diagnosis and treatment really can't be offered while you're still drinking and masking whatever non-alcohol symptoms might be lurking beneath. This would be one very good reason to abstain, so that a real diagnosis can be made based on real symptoms.
> 
> and that's where I'm going to stop you. It's noble and considerate that you also respect your family and wish to make their lives easier, but first and foremost you need to sober up for you. You, Roy, deserve to be free from what's holding you back. You deserve to be happy, and if alcohol abuse is keeping you from that state, then you deserve to sober up for _you first._



I always felt like in the most recent efforts I wasn't doing it (trying to sober up for the permanent good) for myself, and I have talked with other professionals who have stated the same; I didn't need to hear it from them, I knew it. I agree with you whole-heartedly: I have to do it for myself, first and foremost. 



ladylore said:


> I am glad to see you too. Two questions left unanswered. Did you call up the treatment centre to see about a therapist that deals with addiction. Have you found out where an AA meeting is in your community?
> 
> Talking from experience, you need support and something like AA is a great place to start.



And I think that's what I'm a little afraid of. I don't like group environments so much. I was thrown in detox about six weeks ago (a story I won't get into here), but I was directed to a professional who works in both CD (chemical dependency) and mental health, and getting to the bottom of why I am doing what I'm doing, working on strategies to overcome these issues, etc. The only problem was that she wasn't covered by my insurance, and I am going to go through the county after I contact the last doc I saw about four weeks ago. 

Thanks for the kind words to everyone who posted here.


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## Fiver (Aug 21, 2009)

Hey Roy? If you're out there and reading, if you feel up to it, let us know what's up and how you're doing, even if it's just a word or two.

I care, dude.


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## Roy H. (Aug 21, 2009)

Thanks Fiver. 

I've been staying sober and taking my meds and I am going to have a meeting with some family and the last doc I saw about four weeks ago, on Monday. I'm a little worried about everything right now beccacuse it sort of feels like my life is out of my hands right now - like I don't really have control over it (even when I am sober) because of some of the stupidity on my behalf. I wanted to resume my education this coming semester and put my degree away and look towards the next step, but that may very likely be on hold. I'm just trying to stay positive through this all.


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## ladylore (Aug 21, 2009)

You can do this Roy. :2thumbs:


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## Jazzey (Aug 21, 2009)

hi Roy,

I've been quiet on your thread for very selfish reasons  - I love alcohol....If I were to pinpoint the dates, probably somewhere in 1998 / 1999 ( I would have been 28 or 29 years old).  But you can do it.  In 2000 I went back to school.  I had no money to speak of, and my priorities was the academic side of this life.

Having said all of this.  The alcohol problem never truly goes away.  Because eventually you have the money to dip back into that escapism.  So, advice to you (and me in the process) - what is it in our lives that we're escaping?  With the help of a psychologist right now, I'm slowly discovering some of the answers. I won't lie, it's scary and the work is tough.  But I still think we're worth it....Alcohol...it'll still be there when we're responsible to use it in the fashion that it was intended to be used....

Thanks Roy, for having the guts to share with us.  Just because some of us are a little more quiet about it, it doesn't mean that we didn't hear every word of what you said...


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## Fiver (Aug 22, 2009)

Thanks for coming back, Roy. There are good words, good people, kind hearts here. Use every available resource to you during this time, including this one. I promise that when you're ready and able, you'll give it back in spades.

I can tell you're that kind of guy.


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## Into The Light (Aug 22, 2009)

good luck on monday. i think you have incredible character to be facing all of this and to be taking the steps you are. i know you don't feel this way but you should be proud of yourself. i know it all feels out of control, and that it's very scary, but it will get better. just take it one day at a time, don't think ahead too much, and eventually you will feel better, not as out of control, and things won't be as scary. lean on us throughout this process, your family, and your doctor, it is with the help of all these people that you will get to where you need to be. you can do this :2thumbs:

edit: you may feel out of control but you are taking control of the situation by what you are doing. just something to think about


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## Roy H. (Aug 22, 2009)

Regards to everyone who posted. 

I just have a question. When I was at the behavioral unit at the hospital, someone told me CD (chemical dependency) is a mental illness. Is this true?

 Also, one thing that stood out to me the last time I talked to a mental health doctor was, she said that alcohol can mask symptoms of mental illness. She said that  a woman she treated was CD and was treated into her 50s and 60s until when she fully abstained, they found that she was manic. Is this also true? 

This sheds a little more light on me as well: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/new-members-introductions/10695-having-trouble.html


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## ladylore (Aug 22, 2009)

I can talk for myself here.

Yes addiction is seen as a disability, at least in Canada and maybe in the United States. It does take some time for the brain to create healthier connections and for physical health to improve.

Once I started dealing with the addiction I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had to get to the underlying cause and deal with it to ensure I wouldn't relapse.


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## Grace (Aug 23, 2009)

Hi Roy. I'm new here but have already read several of your posts. You strike me as a remarkably intelligent and courageous young man (even if it doesn't feel that way to you now). 

Congratulations on your resolve to start feeling better. 

I think it's perfectly understandable that you turned to substance abuse, given the extreme social anxiety you described in an earlier thread - it's hard to avoid people in this life; I imagine it felt as though alcohol could numb the anxiety somewhat. 

You don't need telling, our "little helpers" can turn against us in a big way. With alcohol, the numbing effect starts working all too well - in the wrong ways! By shutting down several of the more useful brain & cognitive functions, it ends up making our nerves jangle even more than they did before ... as you've found. The good news is, things start to get straight fairly quickly after you've stopped drinking. This will leave your head a little clearer, and allow you a little more perspective on what ails you.

I'm happy to hear you have access to a doctor who knows something about you. 
Remember you DO deserve good treatment and careful attention 

Good luck with your appointment.

Best wishes,
Grace


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## Fiver (Aug 29, 2009)

_"Paging Mr. *Roy H*, that's *Roy H*. You have a call holding at the white courtesy phone in the main concourse, Mr. *H*. If *Roy H* is on the premises, please pick up the white courtesy phone. Or the red phone, whichever you prefer. And I think there might even be a couple of old phones left from the 'seventies that are Harvest Gold or Avocado Green. It was not a pretty decade for home decor. Again, this page is for Mr. *Roy H* to pick up any colour phone on this board, but there really aren't any phones here at all, not even in ugly colours from 1973. This ridiculous airport courtesy phone analogy can be answered by a single grunt in any thread of your choosing for no extra charge. Once again, this page is for Mr. *Roy H*. As always, thenk yew for using Psychlinks Airlines for all of your non-travel needs, especially since we here at PL not only do NOT have courtesy phones, but we also do not provide air travel. Please feel free to use any of the complimentary forums where you may individualize any thread you start, just the way you like it!. Thenk yew again, and have a pleasant stay."_

*ker-klick*

Yup, this is why I try to avoid answering the phone at work in the middle of the night, Roy. I can't much be trusted with the public address system at 3AM and I get myself into trouble a lot.

How about I just bump this thread instead? If you're around, if you're up to it, tell us how things are going, whether they're good, if they suck, or if like, you know, everything is just totally meh and blah. I've been thinking about you, hoping to see you pop by. Regardless of whether you feel like posting, just know that I'm sending you positive wishes, and I think I can safely speak for several others with that sentiment, too.

(The other folks would have done it in a much less dorky style, though. I bet this will be the last time they let me page a member here without proper adult supervision.)

I care, Roy, don't forget it. We care, a lot.  You don't need to feel alone.


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## Roy H. (Sep 3, 2009)

^ To the posts above and everyone else, thanks again. 

Well, at this juncture I've run into a couple issues that I have to tend to. There is a treatment facility here called Teen Challenge and it is supposed to be _the best_, hands down. Now, my folks want me at that facility; the facility has both a short program (3 months) and a long program (12-15 months), the latter of which is free, the former of which my current health coverage will not cover - go figure. 

My dillema now is to try to switch my insurance to Blue Cross, ASAP, because they cover the 3 month program at this facility. My concern with that is that it will be at least 'til October before I can enroll. In the meantime I have a "Rule 25" on the 11th of this month which could get me in another treatment facility. Family here suggests I go into a long-term facility like the 12 to 15 month one, but it almost seems extreme, but I do believe that would be an enormous boost to sobriety, for good. 

I fell off the wagon again last week pretty bad, and it's pretty obvious I need help to clear my mind and get the right meds for me because I feel so afraid of people, and so I can re-enroll at my University to succesfully pursue my degree. Man, this life is so hard in so many ways. 

I'm just glad people here have posted your words because it helps me to be communicating with someone - anyone - even if it's just online here.


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## Jazzey (Sep 3, 2009)

Hi Roy,

Maybe the 12 months program is what you need?  This is why I ask the question:


> but I do believe that would be an enormous boost to sobriety, for good.



I agree with you.  I think that the 12 months program would be an incredible boost to sobriety, and possibly one that will enable you to pursue whatever academic path you want to in the future.

My only concern with the 3 months program is that 3 months is a drop in the bucket.  Will such a program really give you the proper foundation to rediscover who you are sober, to feel comfortable as a sober person, and to live a life that doesn't include addiction?


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## ladylore (Sep 3, 2009)

Hey Roy! Glad to see you.
As someone who has been in recovery I really recommend the year long program. Quitting the substance is simple - making life changes is the hard part. It does take the full year to really make those new behaviours stick. 

The first year is rewarding but also can be very rocky. If you can get a years support - take it. Your worth it.


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