# We All Married The Wrong Person



## David Baxter PhD

*We All Married The Wrong Person* 
by Lori Lowe
Retrieved September 18, 2010

Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that ?right person.? Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of _*The Secrets of Happily Married Men*_ and _*The Secrets of Happily Married Women*_ and _*The Secrets of Happy Families*_, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we _all _married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic.

Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn?t mean your marriage can?t be successful, however.

?Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it?s an issue of finding a soul mate ? the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,? says Dr. Haltzman.

He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success. ?But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,? says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don?t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.

?If we believe we must find the right person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,? says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today?s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, ?You deserve the best.? These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.

Dr. Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices?which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. 

A book called _*The Choice Paradox*_ by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom: people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential ?right? partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.

?My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren?t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,? says Dr. Haltzman. ?However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful?which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married?we need to say, ?This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.??

That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.
To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, ?I?ve done enough.? But very few of us will do that with our children. ?Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn?t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.?

Finally, he advises, ?Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.?

_For more information on Dr. Haltzman or his books, visit __DrScott.com__ or __365Reasons.com__._


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## Daniel

Love the One You're With
by Chayim Newman, M.A., _REBT Institute Blog_
February 6, 2012

Seems like everyone I know is part of a couple. Married. Dating seriously. In a relationship. In an “it’s complicated”. Sometimes even in more than one of the above at the same time. And some of these couples are genuinely happy. I love that. But many of them struggle mightily in their relationships, as do many of the clients that I see at the Institute.

We can all agree that even the best relationships are challenging at times, and that to be happy as part of a dyad, and to stay happy for the long-term, takes a real lot of work. Partners in successful relationships learn to communicate, to be patient, to be flexible, to compromise, and to sacrifice for each other. I thought I’d share one thing that I’ve been noticing frequently among many of those couples who ARE having a difficult time.

Almost always, in a session, one partner will express something like “I can’t stand when my partner does x or says x to me. It makes me crazy”. They’ll get angry if a partner repeatedly criticizes one of their own behaviors, even though the partner has been criticizing this same behaviour for a decade, or they get upset when their partner doesn’t change some distasteful behavior, yet they’ve been doing that same behavior since the beginning of the relationship!!

As an exercise, let’s identify some of the irrational thinking going on here:

1. My partner SHOULD be perfect (or at least more perfect than they are).
2. They MUST listen to me when I point something out to them.
3. They SHOULD behave differently towards me this time, even though, based on their previous behavior, it’s almost certain they won’t.
4. If my partner behaves a certain way or says certain things, I CAN’T STAND IT or IT’S AWFUL.

The kind of thinking that gets partners disgruntled and angry with one another is often fraught with demandingness – lots of “SHOULD” and “MUST” statements. Demands placed on the other lead to blame, disappointment, and resentment. But what’s the alternative? After all, we’d all like for those we’ve chosen as a life’s partner to conform to some ideal. A wise clinician I know often tells this to couples in such circumstances (I’ll paraphrase):

Nobody you choose as a partner is going to be perfect. And you’re probably not perfect either. So instead of demanding things of them, could you accept the person you’re with despite their imperfections and quirks? Expect them to do things that may be annoying or press your buttons. You can handle it. And focus on the positive reasons why you DID choose them as a partner. After all, as Stephen Stills so eloquently sang, “if you can’t be with the one you love, [in this case, the illusory perfect partner you’ve conjured up], then love the one you’re with.” You might be a lot happier that way!


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## jodijaye

I find if you go through good and bad stuff and you still love like the first day then thats the right one,and respect ,trust and wanting to please the other is very important.I love my man almost too much(teehee)as he me,we are obsessed with each other  kinda co dependant too,we are best friends as well.Good BAD and ugly we still are there in our hearts very deeply.Mind you we went thru alot of trys before we met,i was in training for him,he for me.If we met way back we wouldnt be together now,we needed to grow and learn HOW to love,God matched us,this we know...


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## Daniel

Article:

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person - New York Times

Video:

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person - Alain de Botton - YouTube


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## GaryQ

jodijaye said:


> I find if you go through good and bad stuff and you still love like the first day then thats the right one,and respect ,trust and wanting to please the other is very important.I love my man almost too much(teehee)as he me,we are obsessed with each other  kinda co dependant too,we are best friends as well.Good BAD and ugly we still are there in our hearts very deeply.Mind you we went thru alot of trys before we met,i was in training for him,he for me.If we met way back we wouldnt be together now,we needed to grow and learn HOW to love,God matched us,this we know...



Thanks for sharing this, it's great to read good relationship stories


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## GaryQ

Thanks  @Daniel, the article was good but that video was great to watch,

I've always believed that to really love someone is to really, really, really know them and to still want to be around them 


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## Daniel

Daniel said:


> Nobody you choose as a partner is going to be perfect. And you’re probably not perfect either. So instead of demanding things of them, could you accept the person you’re with despite their imperfections and quirks? Expect them to do things that may be annoying or press your buttons. You can handle it.



Applying similar ideas to platonic friendships:









						A Creative Solution to ‘the Friendship Desert of Modern Adulthood’
					


“I knew many old couples who had happy and loving arranged marriages. I thought, If it worked for them, why couldn’t it work for friendships?”





					www.theatlantic.com
				




“I knew many old couples who had happy and loving arranged marriages. I thought, _If it worked for them, why couldn’t it work for friendships?_”


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