# Contagious?



## healthbound (Nov 15, 2005)

I've experienced years and years of insomnia and now my 14 year old son is having troubles with sleep.

I'm nervous that he is "learning" from my behavior???


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2005)

Possibly. Or that he has inherited some of the physical and psychological traits that mske you vulnerable to insomnia.


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## Eunoia (Nov 15, 2005)

just as a personal note, I know that from my parents I've definitely learned sleeping behaviours so to say... modelling I guess. They used to be strict when we were kids, ie. "go to bed at 'X' time" but they let up pretty soon, b/f I even started my teens b/c of school and stuff. I do, however think that as much as genes play a part in this (?) there is a lot you can do to try to teach good "sleep hygiene" (I posted links about this in another recent reply on here). Make sure that he knows it is important to you that he gets his sleep and help him out if you can, ie. by having dinner early enough, not asking him to do chores late at night, that kind of thing... he is 14, so he'll have a mind of his own, but you can try! I know from friend's parents vs. mine that there were def. differences, my parents are weird in that they go to bed late, get up in the middle of the night, get up wayyyy too early in the morning and complain that they lack sleep...sigh. it's such a trecherous cycle once you're in it! also keeping his stress level down should help, so if he gets a good outlet (ie. sports) during the day it'll help him get rid of some of that energy.... hope this helped some.


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## healthbound (Nov 15, 2005)

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your replies.

Eunoia, I saw your post about "sleep hygiene" and posted the links to the referred sites on my blog.  I'm also going over "sleep hygiene" with my son today.

He's very active in sports, playing lacrosse and rugby-so, that's about the only part I've already got covered.  I am changing my sleep patterns as of now - no matter what it takes and will be intently focusing on this for the next while until new patterns are set for both of us.

I'm also going to do a bit of psycho-education with him so that he is armed with understanding why it's particularly important for him to pay attention to things like healthy eating, sleep and exercise.  There's a history of anxiety and depression on all sides of our family.

Nothing like my son taking on some of my "traits" to knock me out of a bad pattern!


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## Eunoia (Nov 15, 2005)

glad the links were of some use. and it sounds like you have your bases covered and a good plan of attack so to say. only advice, when you talk to your son about the importance of sleep, nutrition, exercise etc. try to make it somehwat, I don't know, fun.... lectures don't work on teens (or even anyone else for that matter). ) maybe get him to help you plan dinner, give you some input into what he wants, keep encouraging him to do sports, and yes, model better sleeping behaviours!!!! good luck!


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## comfortzone (Nov 16, 2005)

There can be so many precusors to sleep deprivation.  I would make sure you take your son to his medical doctor to rule out any biological reason.  Then you can figure it out if there are not any biological reasons.  Hope you both have some good rest!!!


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## healthbound (Nov 16, 2005)

Thanks for your replies.

He's in bed now and is reading a book.  We'll see how the night progresses.

The approach I took was pretty simple.  I explained to him how I was feeling and told him that I wanted to talk openly about possible reasons for his recent "down" feelings.

He found it challenging to think of conscious reasons for not wanting to "do anything" and so I asked some questions around anxiety as he was diagnosed with GAD a couple of years ago.  It seemed to subside for a while, but it appears he may be experiencing it again.

After talking to him about anxiety, school and a possible link between the two, he "suddenly" remembered that he was supposed to give me a sheet from his Socials teacher and a sheet from his Science teacher.  Both of the sheets had his grade on it thus far.

He normally gets straight B's, with fairly little effort, but both of his grades showed that he was getting C's.  When I asked him if he thought the grades sheets might have contributed to his "feeling like giving up", he said no until about 15mins later.

From what I could gather, it seemed like he was being pretty hard on himself about the grades and thought that I would be hard on him too.

At the beginning of the year we set a goal to strive for Honorable Mention which means we would work towards bumping his grades from B's to A's given that he maintains B's with little effort.  I'm wondering if this caused some anxiety and then when he saw that he was actually performing _below_ his usual G.P.A. he experienced more and overwhelming anxiousness about how he was doing.

SO, I explained that maybe we could revisit some of the goals as it sounds like maybe bumping up to A's wasn't very realistic after all.  It seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off of him and he grabbed his bag and said he wanted to do his Science.

Man, teenagers have SO MUCH going on for them.  Hormones, peers, competitiveness, sports, grades, girls, physical changes, struggle with independence etc. etc.  PLUS, in my son's case, he's just watched me pull myself out of a depression.  That's got to make for some anxiousness.

I'm glad we were able to identify the challenge and begin to work through it though.  My first priority is to help provide him with the tools he needs to go out into the world and do his own thing.  It's challenging sometimes.

Once again I'm aware of my own "power" or (lack of) when it comes to parenting.  I want him to be happy and healthy and want to do whatever it takes to ensure he has the best chance of getting there.  And so far so good.  But I feel like I'm on high alert waiting for something horrible to happen and have everything come crashing down or something.

Maybe it's because my sister's death date is coming up and I'm remembering my feelings of trying to "raise" and "save" her, but not being successful at it.  I wonder sometimes if I think of my son as a second chance to do things right this time.

Awwww, crap...I'm ramblin again - I guess that's for another forum 

PS - he's been asleep for about 20mins.  Success


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## healthbound (Nov 16, 2005)

Duh-duh-dun-nahhhhh!

Huston, we have lift off.  Repeat, we have lift off.

Thought I'd let you know that we've had success on day one.  We both got up a little earlier today and the boy is at school!


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## healthbound (Nov 17, 2005)

Another success regarding Operation: Get Normal Schedule Back on Track

My son is sleeping (and has been for about an hour now) and I'm heading to bed sometime soon.

And he's got all the work he needs to catch up from the time he's missed and I'm meeting with some of his teachers tomorrow during parent/teacher interviews to find out more about how I can help him.

So, we're making progress


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## Eunoia (Nov 19, 2005)

so happy you two are making progress. ) I think it's good that you're going to p-t conferences too, they're a really good opportunity for parents and teachers to get caught up, exchange info, and find out about success and possible problems. my parents always went, in fact they went religioulsy, they even wanted to see my PE teacher, lol! anyways, I wanted them to go but when I wasn't doing well I obviously dreaded these things.. one time I was near failing in Math (I don't remember if they were aware of this ahead of time), anyways, my teacher was very honest w/ them and mad b/c he thought I was just being lazy and they were very mad at me but both of them had agreed upon a plan to help me, ie. the teacher would help me outside of class for extra help and my parenst would make sure I'd do the hmwk etc... I was very mad at 1st and didnt' see the big deal, but I was scared more so... my point is I was forced more or less to go for help and do the work (I hadn't been doing well b/c I didn't "get it"- the math and I just gave up) and soon my teacher realized that I might not be a genius in math but I am determined and comitted to do well- this made all the difference for the rest of the year and there wasn't as much anxiety about math anymore or him or my parents finding out... but I would have never done anything about it back then if it hadn't been for the p-t conf. (long story, sorry). 

sometimes maintaining certain grades does take a lot of effort so even though those grades are close the next best grade, it's still a huge jump to get to that point. I'm realizing this now in univ. so it's a good idea to maybe focus on maintaining is B average (or getting back to it) and w/ time if he can bring it up even more, great, if he tries his best and you are supportive to the best of your ability that's all either one of you can do. do get his teacher's input in this as well as they know his working habits from class and how he seems to fit in compared to everyone else etc. If your son knows that he can be honest w/ you and that you won't be "mad" or disappointed in him as a person, then he will be more open about failures if they come up... if you only ever hear about the A's and never about anything else but you know those aren't the only grades hes getting, there's a reason for this. 

sorry about all the feelings you've been having... and w/ your sister's death date coming up.... I see what my mom goes through every time one of these dates comes up and it's hell. in a way, your son may be that "2nd" chance to you but don't be too afraid of failing... if you focus too much on failing you and he will lose track of the entire journey, and the good parts of it as well as the bad. it's a journey, right? a progress, a development... it's not supposed to go all smoothly.


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## ThatLady (Nov 19, 2005)

That's wonderful, healthbound! It sounds like things are really starting to turn around for you. Hugs!


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## healthbound (Nov 19, 2005)

Hey Eunoia,

Thanks for all your comments.

The p-t meetings went very well.  All of his teachers had no concerns for him except for the amount of time he's missed from school lately.

I ended up taking him for dinner last night after I came back from all the meetings and talking to him about re-evaluating his grades goal and adapting more of a routine around homework.  Before I got into "the talk", I took out all the sheets that summed up his grades thus far.  I hadn't thought of it before, but I decided to quickly add up his marks to find out what his average was BEFORE he started missing school.  In English he was at an A and all the others he was at a B.  That made both he AND I feel better.  At first we thought we weren't calculating things properly, but then after thinking about it for a while realized that due to the teachers strike, there were a number of "catch up" assignments, quizzes and tests that teachers administered once the strike was over.  Well, that was only 3 weeks ago.  So my son missing 2 weeks really meant missing about a month. 

New Goals:
Work towards establishing a homework routine.  And I KNOW I'm being a bit of a stickler with this one - but, I'm taking him to the library to do it for the first while.  He gets distracted too easily at home - and so do I.
Work towards getting back to maintaining a B average

And in the meantime, I think I'll do a bit of research about good study habits and see if I can find anything on how to minimize exam anxiety (he freezes during exams and finds it really difficult to study during the time leading upto exams because he's panicking).


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## healthbound (Nov 19, 2005)

Thanks ThatLady!

I'm still puttin' one foot infront of the other and somehow I'm gettin' where I wanna go !!


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## Eunoia (Nov 19, 2005)

hey again.... I found some articles on test taking & anxiety that might be of some help or at least a start...

also:



> *Can sleep help you do better on tests?*
> A recent study found that people who got 8 hours of sleep before taking a math test were nearly 3 times more likely to figure out the problem than people who stayed awake all night.
> (from the Test Anx. link)



I guess I should have slept more than 4 hrs than b/f my stats exam today! sigh....

*Successful Stategies for Test Anxiety*
Freedom From Fear: Anxiety and Depression Resource Organization

*Test Anxiety*
Test Anxiety
When Tests Make You Nervous (related)

*Test anxiety article*
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_g2602/is_0005/ai_2602000524

*How to be a great test taker*
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0HUV/is_1_31/ai_90984055

*Implementing strategies..*
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0FCG/is_4_31/ai_n8590239


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## healthbound (Nov 19, 2005)

Hey - thanks, Eunoia!  This is great! I'll check them out


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## Thelostchild (Mar 31, 2006)

Its probably because he inherited it. I got my insomnia from my mom. unfortunatly. Hope you find a good med that allows him to sleep and you of course


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## healthbound (Apr 1, 2006)

hey tlc - thanks for this. He hasn't had any struggles lately which is always good. I'm not having much insomnia lately either. And the insomnia I do have has been pretty manageable.

I always used to think that environment was the major influencer for things like this, but the more I see and experience, the more I realize that much of it is also genetics. Luckily we are in an era that is more accepting to those getting help for anxiety or insomnia compared to the past .


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## stargazer (Apr 1, 2006)

Odd this should appear in my Inbox at this time. I just woke up thinking it was morning & it's only1:30am. I went to bed at ten & was sleeping soundly, but when I awoke I was wide awake. Got up & started to make coffee before realizing the time, now am only drinking orange juice. I doubt I can get back to sleep though. Not sure what brought this on...


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## healthbound (Apr 2, 2006)

Hey Stargazer - I love irony. Hope you sleep a bit better tonight


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## stargazer (Apr 2, 2006)

Unlikely. Here it is 1:45AM. In this case, I've not yet slept, but my anxiety level is so high it's unlikely I will sleep. (I don't mean anxiety as in clinical--my current life-circumstances are creating untold levels of anxiety. I probably won't be able to sleep until I can solve certain life-problems.) All that said, I love irony, too.


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## healthbound (Apr 4, 2006)

Hey Stargazer. How are you doing today? Were you able to get some sleep last night?

Do you know what your recent insomnia is related to?


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## stargazer (Apr 4, 2006)

Stress. It's completely circumstantial. I had a backer back out & am having to come up with a large amount of money or else cancel a project I've got 13 other people depending on me to finish. All of this is completely outside the area of my experience or expertise, and I basically don't know what I'm doing. So I can't sleep.

However, things are a little better. I've talked with a good friend, another artist who occasionally deals with backers. He suggested part of the problem is that I've been wearing two hats. I'd like just to be the musical director of the project, which is a position familiar to me, and one I'm comfortable with. I've been wishing I didn't also have to be the one who organizes everybody's schedules, itemizes budgets, obtains money, and signs paychecks. So, I've asked one of the people on board to take over these administrative aspects for me, so I can just focus on directing the music. She agreed. And she's a good choice, as she appears to have excellent organizational skills, and she seems to thrive in this element. 

So last night I slept about six hours, which was the most sleep I'd gotten for a while. The night before that I only slept maybe four hours. So I think I'm getting better, now that I'm somewhat relieved. But I am still uneasy about the unforeseen financial problem, which has not yet been solved. But I did make a solid choice to proceed with the project on faith, and not to give it up. And that has helped.

Thanks for asking, healthbound.


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## healthbound (Apr 4, 2006)

Hey stargazer. It certainly sounds like you have a lot on the go right now. I can empathize with some of it. One of the most challenging professional times in my life was when I was responsible for many people to and of varying degrees. In my experience, there was not enough money coming in and too much going out --- _and _ we still lacked resources to become self sustaining. We were also dependent on investors (and even though I use the term "we", I didn't have a lot of guidance or direction. Basically, I was flying by the seat of my pants a lot of the time). I had previous experience in the financial backers game, but didn't foresee the challenges that later presented themselves in this particular situation.

Vying for financing is very stressful and full of a countless unknowns. It certainly does take a particular personality to continually pitch, negotiate and secure financing. And as you are currently experiencing...the money isn't in the bank, until it's in the bank. I lost many many hours of sleep contemplating my perceptions of my being solely responsible to the thousands of people that would be affected if we couldn't do what we needed to do.

I also lost sight of reality in terms of what I (as one person) could actually accomplish. And then when I failed (which of course I inevitably would - because NO single human could have done what I imagined I should have been able to do) I blamed myself. You have clearly recognized areas where delegation is the best option and then immediately taken action so you can continue to do what you do best. Good move towards protecting yourself from burnout . In the end...I ended up "crashing" into my second major depression and am just now going back into the work world.

It's really difficult to produce or manage a project AND secure financing etc etc. Especially for creatives as the mind and skill set between securing financing and creatively producing seem to be miles apart.

Crap, I've written a book again. Sorry about rambling on. Basically, I just wanted to let you know that I can empathize with parts of what you're experiencing and let you know that it sounds like you've got things under control. P.S. beware of burnout


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## stargazer (Apr 4, 2006)

Actually, I'm glad you wrote all that you just did. What I'm trying to *avoid* is to crash into a major depression, which I foresee will happen if I do *not* continue with the venture. Since I'm only talking about 13 people here, not the thousands you mention, the relative significance of it is fairly low. However, the success of the project is so meaningful to *me,* that I am afraid if I let go & bailed out, I would go into such despair I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would rather take the risk of proceeding on the basis of possible future funds from an as-yet-unknown source. I have been honest with the people involved about the loss of backing, and so far everyone wants to proceed. So that part is encouraging. What I feel, however, is that in the event that we are able to proceed a *little* further, and yet not go all the way for lack of funding, the depression I will later feel will be even greater than the depression I would now feel if I were to back out *now.* However, if we keep going, and we do find the money to finish the project, I'll probably feel great. I guess it's a success-failure thing, or an "integrity vs. despair" thing. I have to believe that somebody out there believes in me enough that they won't allow me to have gotten this far on a project only to have to give it up. Otherwise, I myself will likely cease to believe that I am worth believing in.


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## JA (Apr 4, 2006)

Hey Stargazer,

I'm very happy to see you've decided to delegate some of the work for your project. I'm a bit worried, however, with your view that if your project doesn't succeed, you're not worth believing in... Although I'm sure it would be crushing to see a project you care so much about fail because of lack of funds, many factors come it when it comes to the project succeeding or failing. I think if it fails, you've worked so hard on this, that the failure won't have anything to do with you. 

Funding is hard to come by, even for the best causes, simply because money is sparce for most and there are just so many great places to put it... I know there are dozens of organisations wich I'd really, really like to give money to, but I have to choose... The choice to offer you financing may be due to timing, funds available, mood of the day, chance... so please don't take it to reflect your personal value OR the value of the project... I think you're really doing what you can to help!

All that said, it just may work and you may get funding! I wish you the best of luck!


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## stargazer (Apr 4, 2006)

Yes, that makes sense, JA, and I do see that. I am still worried that I don't have enough personal strength not to equate the failure of this particular venture with a more ultimate & total personal failure. The reason is because the nature of the project is not only so meaningful to me personally, but also it is a first-time opportunity that has never before arisen in all my years of experience. And I am 53 years old. I've been in this career for over 30 years and have never had this opportunity. So to stop midway through, only because funds have withdrawn, is equated with the loss of the opportunity of a lifetime. It may never come again.

I just wanted to clarify that. It's not as though I'm a person who equates the success of every single little project with my ultimate success or failure. It's just that this particular venture is more personally significant than anything that's come about beforehand. It's something I've always wanted to do, and was never able to do, for lack of funds.

That said, thanks for also pointing out that it may just work, and you never know, I might get funding. I just hope I can adjust my attitude to one of more optimism here. Not quite sure how to do that, unfortunately.


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## JA (Apr 4, 2006)

Hey Stargazer,

I understand that it would be increadibly hard to loose such a great opportunity. It's one think to be convinced that if the project fails it doesn't mean you failed BEFORE hand, and another thing to remain convinced of it in the event of an actual termination of the project for lack of funds. Still, I think it does help to be convinced before, even if it's just to reduce the immediate anxiety . Either way, if all goes wrong, you have every right to be dissapointed, and even depressed, at least for a little while. Don't bring yourself down for feeling bad about it!

Anyway, I really hope it works... I'm starting to care about your project without even knowing what it is! Hehe... You seem to be preaty good at sharing enthousiasm about your work, that'll be on your side to get funding


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 4, 2006)

You can get more information about stargazer's project from the link in his signature: The Burden Project.


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## stargazer (Apr 4, 2006)

You're actually making some rather amazing points here. I think if I can remind myself that it's actually normal and "okay" to be depressed in the event that (heaven forbid) the project should fail, it might disempower the impact of that depression. On the other hand, there is a certain amount of truth and power in the event of one's enthusiasm being "contagious." I've often gotten on board other people's projects in the past, simply because they exuded such excitement.

In any case, if you're interested, I posted all relevant details on the Music Page of my web site, to which you can navigate by clicking on the link above the Einstein quote on my signature. Thanks.


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## JA (Apr 4, 2006)

oups! hadn't seen it :red: Thanks David!


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## stargazer (Apr 4, 2006)

I see David beat me to it he he.


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## JA (Apr 4, 2006)

Wow, it sounds like a fascinating play! If it works out and comes to Ottawa, let me know!


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## stargazer (Apr 4, 2006)

Thanks, JA. I've actually been exploring production options in Ottawa as well as elsewhere. I'm restricting my search only to English-speaking countries.


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## healthbound (Apr 6, 2006)

hey Stargazer. Just thought I'd check in and see how the sleep was going (or not going).


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## stargazer (Apr 6, 2006)

Hey Healthbound. Thanks for asking. I've been sleeping better the last couple nights. As I mentioned elsewhere on PsychLinks, I noticed I'd been drinking more coffee & not quite eating right or exercising. I cut back to one cup in the morning (although I had one after dinner last night, but it wasn't a big deal.) Haven't run, but been riding my bike a lot, and walking. But mainly, I decided to postpone the rest of this project until receipt of further future funding. That relieved me quite a bit, and I've been able to sleep again. There are details behind that decision, but I'll forego them for now. How are *you* doing?


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## healthbound (Apr 7, 2006)

Good to hear you're sleeping a bit better. I'm doing pretty good. About a month ago I (as in my psychiatrist) increased my effexor up to 300mg. I have definitely noticed a big difference in my concentration, memory, energy level and cognitions. Just before we increased the effexor, I came off of the tiny amount of seroquel I was taking to help me sleep. I'm still taking a small amount of trazodone before bed though.

Anyway, I'm going back to work . I'm very happy about this, but also appropriately nervous. I'm doing an integration back (first week I go for 1 day, second week for 2, third week for 3 etc).

I am nervous about maintaining balance between work, parenting, health and continuing with my art. I'm sure that once I get back upto full time, things will fall into place - as they do - but, I'm still nervous about falling back into a depression. That's probably normal.

Regardless, I haven't had insomnia for a while. And, my son only seemed to experience for that short period of time, so things are going pretty good over here  Thanks for asking.


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## stargazer (Apr 7, 2006)

A friend of mine is on 150mg Effexor, and although I don't know much about it, he was upset when he had to go up to 225mg for a while. I guess he got his doctor to reduce the dosage back to 150mg. But everyone's different, of course. I'm unclear, though, if you mean that there was a huge *positive* difference in your concentration, memory, energy level, and cognitions--or if the difference was negative. (I think you mean positive, but I'm not sure.)

I should sleep pretty well tonight. I'm still on the road, but just secured a place to crash, and took care of some other business that had been troubling me. I'd hoped to go home tonight but missed a connection, however have been able to make telephone contact with the person who would have driven me back, and all is well. 

Cyber cafes and laptops sure are fun commodities when traveling.  I might stick around another day or so, since I don't have to work again till Tuesday. Beautiful sunny weather too, after about a month solid of rain.

How old's your son, healthbound? (By the way, I really like that name: "healthbound.")


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## healthbound (Apr 7, 2006)

We've had beautiful weather lately. I literally get up from my computer and walk outside to the back yard, close my eyes and listen to the birds and just feel the sun. Yay - the sun is out again  

The changes are definitely positive . I too was a bit upset about increasing my dosage (again), but it turned out to be a very good thing for me. I'm very grateful to feel like I've finally got my mind back! I really am feeling more like "myself" lately. I almost forgot what it was like to have energy and motivation. Man, I'm still in awe about the dramatic impact depression can have.

Are you travelling for work or have you been lucky enough to take a break/vacation? As I mentioned, I'm going back to a "real job" next week. I think I'll only be travelling a couple times per year (maybe even only once) which has it's good and not-so-good points.

Actually ---- What am I even talking about ---- I'll just be happy if I can get used to a regular routine again


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## stargazer (Apr 7, 2006)

I was traveling for rehearsals for my studio project, but everything has been postponed. And now I'm postponing going back. I'm in a beautiful college town, and I have some friends here, as well as this being where my daughter lives. (I can't stay with her tonight, though, as she has something going on. Last night I did, and that was nice.) So, I guess, an unplanned mini-vacation, sort of a de-stresser.

Yeah, regular routines are the best. I've lacked that lately too, I've been so all-over-the-place. When I get back home, I'm going to make sure I establish one (I hope). Problem is, I only work on Tuesdays and Thursdays (officially) & so the other days I'm on my own. I work from home when I can get it, but it's been lean lately. My life doesn't have enough structure.

Glad the changes in the meds have been positive. I don't understand depression myself. Starting to get a handle on mania, though (I think).


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## healthbound (Apr 7, 2006)

> I was traveling for rehearsals for my studio project


The Burden Project?



> I'm in a beautiful college town,


Hm, sounds like you're in the states?



> Yeah, regular routines are the best.


I have conflicting feelings/perceptions about this. I fear routine. I've never been good at keeping track of time and that's usually necessary when establishing a routine. However, I think I tend to function a bit better when I have a routine, besides being hard on myself for always being a bit late . I'll figure it out at some point 



> Glad the changes in the meds have been positive. I don't understand depression myself. Starting to get a handle on mania, though (I think).


Do you experience mania? My step mom is very concerned that I am now experiencing mania as she's having difficulties understanding the process of me finally coming out of the depression. To her it seems like a drastic change and for some reason she is attributing it to mania. I read the DSM criteria for both manic and mixed episodes. There's no confusion that I definitely experienced a major depressive episode, but I'm not too sure about the mania or mixed. For example, I definitely have more energy now, but I still need a minimum of 8hrs sleep per night


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## stargazer (Apr 7, 2006)

I wish I knew how to create those quote box thingies. 

No, the Burden Project is my big project, this was just a little project within the bigger project, that of recording some tunes at a studio. I was talking about it earlier, and having lost the backing. I tried to wing it without sufficient funds but finally gave up & feel all right with that. We'll pick it up again later. I can close out for $20 (yes, USD) and get a DVD of all the tracks, take it home, use it elsewhere, in the future, whenever. So it's all good.

I'm in the college town known as Berkeley, esteemed home of the second cultural revolution, circa 1969. (j/k)

About routine, I think I'm rediscovering now how positive a healthy routine can be. The last couple years, I've sort of just done things whenever, unless I've had to do otherwise, which is frequently. In that mode, routines interfere with freedom. But I think that in the long run, there's a kind of a comfort in a positive routine, knowing what to do and when. (And of course, being flexible enough to deviate from it--but at least having something to deviate *from* -- otherwise, life seems to become chaotic for me.)

Yes, I experience mania, though lately not so severe. At one time I had a full-blown manic episode (they called it a Bipolar One Manic Episode) -- lately it's been more like hypomania and somewhat more controlled. During actual mania, I might have delusions of grandeur and also paranoia, in addition to being all hyped and scattered and "charged." Normally, I have to fight off delusional thinking quite a bit, often believing things that aren't really real, and sometimes convincingly so.

I don't get depressed too often. Recently I've been depressed--fighting it for about a month now. I think it's just the other pole of the bipolarity, though. I'm not taking any medication right now. I can't afford a psychiatrist, and unfortunately I lost my health insurance during the first manic episode (two years ago.) But I'm going through the local channels of the system, and it's encouraging, just time-consuming. I live in a small town, there are only two psychiatrists who work for the system, and so they're backlogged. 

I also wrote the first draft of my musical during the Bipolar One Manic Episode, began 2/17/04 and finished 5/23/04 at 4:37am on a municipal transit bus in San Francisco while doing an all-nighter. Crazy stuff.


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## stargazer (Apr 7, 2006)

Well, I gotta go find my room and attempt sleep. Been nice chatting with you. Goodnight!


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## healthbound (Apr 7, 2006)

Same to you...Goodnight!


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