# UGHHH!!!



## HotthenCold (Oct 22, 2012)

Here I am once again in this self induced state of misery. I fell off the wagon and did some cocaine and drank a lot this weekend. Suicide is a constant thought. I'm terrified of the pain of it, and what it would do to my family, and part of me obviously wants to live. But I find my existence so unbearable. I suppose this will pass, as I've been here before and managed to come out of it stronger than before.I am hesitant to feel optimistic, because as I said, I've been here before. Gone through hell on earth, wanted nothing but death, promised myself I'd never do this to myself again, or that I'd at least strive every moment to make better choices. For a time I succeeded. But here I am again. How do I feel optimistic when I seem to be too wild and out of control to trust myself to make healthy choices all the time. Or to at least not make such destructive choices?

So now I've got to deal with the chemical induced misery from falling off the wagon, as well as the crushing weight of embarrassing memories, damage to my reputation, guilt over things I've done (which I deserve some guilt about, trust me), and a terrified feeling that everyone is laughing at me and that I'll end up cold and alone. Plus I've got to deal with the usual amount of OCD, depression, anxiety, anger, low self concept, feelings of inadequacy, hyper sensitivity. 

I'm asking my Angels for help, and I'm experiencing some moments of calm, but this cycle of anxiety/shame/depression/embarrassment is unpredictable. I am striving to live moment to moment, and to breathe, but there is the constant spectre of doom regarding my future. I really do spend a lot of time in hell.


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## rdw (Oct 22, 2012)

Do you know why you "fell off the wagon " ? And how long have you been clean?


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## HotthenCold (Oct 22, 2012)

About a month of sobriety. 

Why I fell off the wagon, that's a multi layered answer. 

Partly it is because I put myself in to a situation where there were drugs and alcohol being consumed. The rationale that led me to do this was that I had successfully stayed sober in these situations in the past month, and also, I don't want to "miss the party" when everyone else is having a blast.

Another reason is that I get anxious and depressed in social situations, so I cracked and started using because I didn't want to feel bad or shy anymore.

Yet another reason is because I didn't go to any AA meetings this week, and I didn't actively work the steps of the program, and didn't even find a temporary sponsor.

Mostly I think it's because I self medicate. I am sad, anxious, impatient, easily distracted, depressed, and so I dive in head first to the booze and drugs because the short term gratification demon demands satisfaction.


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## forgetmenot (Oct 23, 2012)

Sorry hun   You slipped up hun  but you can get back on track ok   Get back to the meetings and hang out with people who will support your mental health ok not sabotage it hugs


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## Katieann (Oct 24, 2012)

It sounds like you're really trying...so you made a mistake - you just need a little more practice...
Maybe you don't have to be "optimistic" right away... just get back on an even keel...Everybody is here to listen to you...

Why do you go to parties if they stress you out? They are not for everyone... Myself, I don't like them... having to make small talk with people you don't know at all - or sometimes those you don't want to know...


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