# Emotional distress



## pip

durr, what a non-descript title.

Today, my nana died, I called my boyfriend and asked him to come home for a few minutes so we could talk. He kept saying he would, and finally, when he didn't, i called him asking when he'd be here. He said he was entertaining, and wouldn't be coming. Needless to say, I broke.

I went to the pub where he was hanging out, and there he was with this girl, who happened to be all over him. I introduce myself, apologise for interrupting, and ask if maybe I could talk to him alone. I explain the situation to him, and how I was afraid to be alone for fear of hurting myself. I have past issues with drug abuse/self injury, and I've been free of both for nearly two years now. I didn't want to slip back into old habits. He said I could stay, and I proceeded to drink (I know, stupid) while listening to him and htis girl have an animated conversation while I'm being ignored. Eventually, I'm on my fourth vodka and sprite and still disturbingly sober, when his friend Derek showed up. Derek is...confusion. Sometimes I absolutely despise him, but most of the time he seems like a pretty nice guy. Right off the bat, Derek and I start talking (we have a lot more in common than i do with my boyfriend, but for age reasons (he's 13 years older than meand the fact that there's zero attraction to him on my part, we're just acquaintances). The bar is loud, so you have to lean in to talk to people, so derek and I were having a conversation with my head practically on his shoulder. No big deal, just a little awkward because I have a huge personal space radius.

Derek and my boyfriend (mikey) leave the table briefly so I get to speak to the girl, who tells me she met my boyfriend online and he had skipped work to go meet her that day. My jaw nearly hit the ground, she told me how surprised she was that he had a girlfriend, I was like 'nah, don't worry about it'. I mean, why drag this innocent girl into the quickly brewing crap with my boyfriend?

It gets better, after refusing my requests for a hug, he invites this girl to stay with us for the night. He's now in bed after a discussion where he threatened to break up with me, while I'm hiding out upstairs and she's sleeping on the bed.

Is it wrong of me to have asked him to just have her stay elsewhere? and maybe warn me next time he runs off to meet random people off the internet?

I'm annoyed because my grandmother's dead, and now I don't have the freedom to express myself, because my comfortable space is being invaded. A secondary annoyance is the fact that after dating for two years, and dumping all my friends for him (now that was a stupid idea), he still hasn't let me into his private life.

I've tried discussing this with him in an objective and logical way, but he just gets angry. Sometimes I feel as if he uses the threat of breaking up as a weapon or tool of control. While he certainly has very manipulative qualities, I'm not 100% sure he's all that bad. I've been in abusive relationships in the past, and I swore I'd never let myself do it again, and I'm afraid I may have let this one slip by. I'm also equally disturbed that Derek seemed to pick up on and care about the emotion a lot more than mikey. It's a bit strange, because I don't know derek all that well for starters, and he usually comes across as very cold and logical, as opposed to warm and comforting.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this conflict without risking the relationship?


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## foghlaim

*Re: emotional distress*

hi Pip... i'm sorry to hear about your loss...and to hear that your boyfriend is less than supportive right now.  i won't comment further except to say i'm glad you wrote on here because others here i'm sure will have options\ideas and definately support for you right now.


thinking of you. *s*


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## David Baxter PhD

Pip, as I was reading your post, to be blunt what popped into my mind was "what a selfish, narcisistic, manipulative, insensitive clod he is!".

My advice is to dump him with the speed of light. Not only was he not there for you to support you when your grandmother died but on top of that he brought home his new online girlfriend? That's beyond insensitive. That is an unmitigated jerk with zero redeeming features!

You can do better. A LOT better! (In fact, it's hard to envision how you could do worse.)


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## fancy792

Very sorry to here about your lost.

In regards to the bf, oh my god, I have to agree with David a 100%. You can do much better it all up to you!

Your not alone we are all here.


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## foghlaim

> Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this conflict without risking the relationship


i wasn't going to comment at all.. because of this sentence.

but i'm thinking since earlier and what i came up with is this.
it takes two ppl to make a relationship work... but there is only one in your relationship.. YOU!!  it doesn't work like that... 

you need time away from him at the min.. just to see what has been happening.. to look back on things... like your post... and to grieve for you gran... 

maybe it worth thinking about.... a little time away from him??? as a start maybe...


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## pip

thank you so much.

I know I need to break up with him. WHile he's a nice guy most of the time, there are just too many little things about him.

I made him an orange book when he was in south africa with his parents over christmas where I told him how much I loved him, and I continued to add to it frequently.

At this point my life is pretty much locked into him and his, so I'm somewhat afraid of breaking up. It might cost me not only financial stability, but an education, should I have to quit school to work fulltime instead of just parttime. While he does make me hate myself, it's a small price to pay for someone to talk too and help me out.


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## jkb

I'm very sorry about your loss ((Hugs))

I agree with David as well.



			
				notsureanymore  said:
			
		

> it takes two ppl to make a relationship work... but there is only one in your relationship.. YOU!! it doesn't work like that...



Very true

wishing you the best


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## Cat Dancer

> While he does make me hate myself, it's a small price to pay for someone to talk too and help me out.



That's not a small price, that's a HUGE price to pay. If you stay you'll eventually completely lose who you are. 

I'm really sorry about your grandmother too.


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## Eunoia

wow. I am really sorry about your grandmother. and I am really sorry that this guy is your boyfriend. not only is it very insensitive of him not to leave the bar and take you home, after you explained the circumstance to him and told him you were afraid of relapsing, but he expected you to sit down so that he could keep on having a good time, while you were suffering? and then to suggest that this girl he met on the internet come home w/ you guys? _for what?_ I am amazed that you made it through all of that with only a fight at the end, where he manged to make you doubt your actions and not his. hun, you did nothing wrong. and as difficult as it may be financially and even emotionally b/c on some level obviously there is an emotional attachment and you said your support system has suffered, but you are paying way too big a price to continue to be in this relationship. It sounds like it's more conveniant than anything, but even if you have to take some time out from school, your education won't run away where as your happiness can fade away after continuously having to put up w/ his insensitivity. would you want a friend to react in this way? no. so why would it be okay for a boyfriend, right? maybe you can talk to your school and explain the situation, they often have some sort of emergency financial aid, if not they can maybe lead you in the right direction to get some help. what about your family? are they in the picture at all to lend you some $? it's also kind of intersting that you said you know nothing about his personal life after having been w/ him for 2 years where as he knows about yours. again, where is the balance? the trust? you should not have to hate yourself, you should _love_ yourself b/c you like being w/ him and he makes you feel good, not hate yourself b/c he makes you feel like his servant but helps you out a bit financially and has _some_ good qualities. personally, I think most people have _some_ good qualities, but his bad ones clearly outweigh the good ones. you can easily find someone w/ those few good ones again, and even better ones, and _not_ the bad ones. you really do deserve so much better than this! 

also, anyone who uses the threat of breaking up in response to wanting to discuss the relationship is really not being fair at all, and just being manipulative. why does he do it? b/c he knows his line works.


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## foghlaim

I agree with all of the above...

he is using emotional blackmail to keep you for his needs...
 i know that doesn't sound very nice..
and i'm sorry if it upsets you.. but i think you know this already.

You are worth more than 1000 guys like him ok..  


be brave and make the right move... FOR YOU.

thinking of you..


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## Peanut

> Is it wrong of me to have asked him to just have her stay elsewhere?


No way!!



> and maybe warn me next time he runs off to meet random people off the internet?


I think that is totally inapropriate what he is did.? I mean TOTALLY inappropriate.

I am mad at this guy for you, pip!

If you won't break up with this guy, at the very LEAST you need to set some firm boundries regarding what is acceptable behavior from him.? It is really hard to see what is in this relationship for you besides having a boyfriend in name only.? I agree with Janet that you hating yourself is WAY too high of a price to pay for this relationship.? There are ways to go to school w/o dating jerks.? This guy probably has you thinking that you need him when that is really not the case at all.? Financial issues will work themselves out.? In terms of school there are grants, federal loans (in the US anyway), private loans, etc.? Winding up school and your boyfriend all in one package is clouding the issue that this guy is a jerk and he is not treating you well, or not even decently.? 

Some guys will treat a girl as badly as she lets herself be treated, and alternatively some will rise to meet higher expectations.? You mentioned that you have been in abusive relationships, so you know that you are sometimes drawn to people that aren't good for you...I implore you to use that knowledge about yourself to your advantage and call of this destructive relationship before it does anymore damage to you.? 

Pip--seriously, you deserve so much...SO MUCH better than this.? Don't let this guy drag you down with him!

I also wanted to say that I am so so sorry about your grandmother.? Unfortunately you did not get the support that you deserved during an extremely hard time and I'm sure that made it even harder.? Remember that you can always come here for support.? I recently lost my grandmother as well and I know the excruciating pain that goes along with it all too well.? Hopefully your grandma is happy and watching over you and is with other people that she loved that had passed away before her. 

Maybe if you can think about how your grandma would have wanted you to be treated, and compare it to how you are being treated, that could give you some courage to do something about it.? 

Good luck pip! Hopefully you'll let us know how it goes.


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## ThatLady

Pip, I'm really sorry for the loss of your nana. Just know that she's still with you and will always be...right there in your heart.

As to this...ummm...clod, sounds to me like he needs to be kicked to the curb. Anyone with no more empathy, or decency, than that isn't worth wasting one's time on. There are better fish in the sea, believe me.


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## pip

mmkay, so an update:

we had a bit of a discussion, that resulted in him apologising profusely. I didn't accept it right away, because he's apologised a million times before, but today, i caught him crying, which made me wonder if maybe he actually means it.

He's usually pretty cold and logical, pretty emotionless, but today, he was different. We had a long discussion about things, and he told me everything about his personal life that I'd previously been left out. It was weird. We've been together for nearly two years, and I learned more about him in one hour of cuddling than in the entire time we've been together.

I'm still not sure I forgive him for this -- I actually broke up with him, but since we live together, I told him I'd be on the couch until I could get an old (ever patient) friend of mine to pick me up on Monday.

He asked if we could get back together and I said I'd think about it. If I set some boundaries and rules and whatnot, do you think it's worth it? just have a 'no second chances' approach after this, if he fucks up again, it's over?


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## Peanut

> I actually broke up with him, but since we live together, I told him I'd be on the couch? until I could get an old (ever patient) friend of mine to pick me up on Monday.


Maybe if you can stay with this friend for a little while, not make any immediate decision and get some distance from the situation you would be able to get some perspective and weigh the pros and cons of the relationship.


> We had a long discussion about things, and he told me everything about his personal life that I'd previously been left out.


That does seem like a step in the right direction.
. 





> If I set some boundaries and rules and whatnot, do you think it's worth it? just have a 'no second chances' approach after this, if he fucks up again, it's over?


Personally, no...but it does sound reasonable if you really think you can set boundries and stick to them and really only give him one more chance.? 

I would still be very leery though.? A lot of times the past is a good predictor of the future.? Have you thought about couple's therapy or individual therapy to help you set firm boundries?

I am glad to hear that you are standing up for yourself though!? Way to go!


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## Cat Dancer

> If I set some boundaries and rules and whatnot, do you think it's worth it?



No, I don't. I doubt he'll change at all. And just because someone cries about something doesn't mean they're going to be different or even that they're sorry at all. Or maybe he does feel bad in that moment, but when someone cares about you and loves you they absolutely shouldn't treat you that way in the first place.  I think you should stick to your plan about moving out. 

(I really hope this doesn't sound mean. I don't mean it to at all.)


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## Peanut

Yea, I mean, I totally agree with Janet. If there is anyway we can convince you to totally break up with him I think that would definitely be the way to go. It seems almost inevitable that, if you give him another chance, he will screw up anyway...so really, why waste anymore time on him at all?


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## foghlaim

Pip: i agree with Janet.. 
this guy knows how to reach you and make you doubt yourself..maybe make YOU feel guilty and he has done it yet again.. (the talk ye had )  if u decide to give him another chance.. all you will be doing is waiting for the slip up.. be hurt again and again... and i bet (next time) he will say sorry again... and on it goes.. meanwhile he is happy and you will be miserable.

there's no nice way to say this.. 
Move out and stay out.


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## ThatLady

You have to do what's right for you, Pip. However, to be honest with you, I don't see this guy changing. He's a manipulator, and they're darn good at playing the tune you want to hear just when you want to hear it. It doesn't mean that tune is going to be on the agenda for tomorrow, believe me. They can cry, emote, beg, plead and offer to walk the dog and take out the trash. Most of the time it's all words, the purpose of which is to get what they want.

If you do decide to give this person another chance, you'd better be sure you set your boundaries hard and fast and stick to them. Otherwise, you're in for a world of hurt, hon. This type just doesn't change.


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## foghlaim

just wondering how u doing Pip?


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## pip

Hey!

sorry it took me so long to reply!

We ended up getting back together sort of, and then, breaking up again sort of. It's...drama.

He's not the kind of guy I can depend on, and for that reason, it's over completely as soon as I find somewhere else to live. Right now, he wants us to stay together, but without calling it boyfriend and girlfriend, and without the cuddling, emotion-sharing, etc. I don't know why we are together, because we haven't been having much sex lately (he's just not in the mood he says). There are still restrictions though. He doesn't like my male best friend, and tells me how disappointed he is in me for talking to him, because my best friend treats me like such crap. This isn't true of course, I mean, he's let me down once or twice, but that's just life. I didn't point out that my best friend, despite currently being across an ocean, is STILL more dependable than him.

We're still 'exclusive'. Meaning I can only go out with him, have sex with him, cuddle with him etc, which is funny, because he doesn't cuddle.

Recently, I had a conversation in dutch with my best friend, and he went and translated it, asking me why I'm telling my best friend how much I love him and offering to come visit. He and I have been together for two years, and I /always/ tell my friends they are loved, appreciated, etc. I've also been planning this trip for months, and he even encouraged me for a while, so I'm not quite sure why it's such a big deal.

I've tried speaking to him, and suggested couples therapy, but our discussions usually regress into 'If we break up we'll never speak again', because he knows I'd want to stay friends, or 'I just want freedom'/'you restrict me' etc.

I'm not sure how much of this is manipulative crap. In the interest of honesty and an attempt at fixing this, I told him all my insecurities about the relationship, including how I hated when he bought me expensive things etc, because I know I cannot afford to reciprocate.

At the moment, Derek, the other character is speaking to me as if I'm some kind of slut and stuff and being extra mysoginistic out of some loyalty to Mikey. There've been problems with Derek before, where he would make fun of me, and Mike would laugh rather than stand up for me.

Right now I'm semi-homeless, so I'm sleeping on his couch. I brought him with me to look at an apartment yesterday and he spent the entire time giving me dirty looks and when we left, lectured me for a good twenty minutes until I just walked away. While walking away may not have been the best idea, I don't take confrontation very well, and being told I'm a disappointment is definitely not something I react well too, so I felt it was best left for private.

His birthday was recently, and he was quite drunk. I was sitting on his lap, and he had his hand resting on my leg. As there was a huge bruise there from my own clumsiness (for real, I walked into the exit turnstyle on the subway), he laughingly slapped my leg hard enough to leave huge red welts. It managed to knock the wind out of me and after a few minutes of not being able to breathe or scream, I started crying and left. Turns out his friends ripped into him, he came to apologise, and didn't remember the incident after that until yesterday while we were putting away laundry. He noticed the handprint and asked if that was because of him, I of course, was angry with myself for wearing the shorts to bed, so i quickly switched to my PJ pants and told him to forget it, he said that someone had reminded him of it, and he felt bad, blah blah blah.

Some context, he's more than twice my weight, most of it muscle, and a foot taller than me. Sometimes when we playfight, he doesn't realise he's being too rough, and I get thrown out of the bed, or whacked into a wall or something. It was never this bad though, and never an intentional smack.

I'm quite tired of being threatened with being alone if I do anything he doesn't like, so I'm sure this is the end. Of course, it hurts a bit because it means I'm completely stranded without friends or family or anything. It scares me somewhat, just flying without a safety net and stuff.

Any advice?


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## ThatLady

Being alone isn't the worst thing to be, pip. Being used and manipulated is far worse, in my opinion. If you were on your own, you could get out and make friends, build a support system, and get on with your life. As it is, the man is controlling your world. To me, that's the crux of your problem right now. You need to get away from him and become your own person.


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## pip

It's not specifically being alone that worries me.

I moved out of my parents' home straight into his, and while I do bring in income, it's barely enough to survive on by myself. It's the difference between going to school and finishing my phd by the time I'm 28 and taking until I'm 40 because I'm taking one class instead of five.

If I break up with him on anything less than amicable terms, it means I'm out easily $1500+. My income is based on my sewing and my photography, and both my sewing machine and my camera (as well as my bed, computer, desk, chair, phone and blog) technically belong to him, and he's flat out said he'd want them back. Without them, I'm living off about $400 a month, which will cover rent, but nothing else.

I could survive, find another real part time job etc, but I'd lose a lot more than just comfort and companionship. If I try and address this logically, I totally screwed myself by jumping into the whole joint-everything song and dance.

I feel...parasitic having said that.


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## David Baxter PhD

That definitely makes the whole issue complicated, pip. It's easy enough for someone to say to hell with the money and the possessions - get out of there - but reality obviously makes it difficult to do that.

On the other hand, I can't recall how long you've been together or what part of the world you live in. His threat to take back your photography and sewing equipment might be bluster. In Canada, for example, if you've lived together for a year you are considered to be in a commmon law marriage and if that marriage dissolves you have rights to an equitable division of property. You might want to get some advice about what the laws are where you live.


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## pip

We've been together almost two years, and I moved in with him November 11th 2004.

I know technically we're common law and stuff, but he bought most of the stuff, and pretty much everything is in his name.

As it stands, I'm going to just sort of slowly drift away from him. We're alread 'sort of broken up', and I figure, once I'm out, if I talk to him less and less, eventually we can sort of go from 'together' to 'acquaintances', without the inevitable fighting, passive-aggressiveness and vengefulness.

I have some money in savings, meant for tuition and stuff, but I'm thinking of using it to replace things, and just cut back on other expenses for a while until I can save more up. Maybe snagging some more waitressing hours.

I don't know. It's over, there's no doubt about that, and it's pretty common knowledge -- we've flat out discussed it, but it's a question of implementing the over-ness in the best way possible.

I'm also pissed off that I've stupidly neglected my friends for him, and more so that I fell for a lot of this crap.


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## David Baxter PhD

> I know technically we're common law and stuff, but he bought most of the stuff, and pretty much everything is in his name.



The law isn't concerned with whose name the property is in or who wrote the cheque to purchase it.


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## foghlaim

Hi PIP, i'm just wondering how tings turned out for you, did u move out, were u able to take your stuff with you?? ect ect..
how are you doing?


let us know some day ok.
nsa


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## pip

well, we broke up I had a mini stress breakdown, kinda fell into some old habits for a few weeks. He was beyond assish. A friend of mine came up to cheer me up for my birthday, it worked, I'm happier now than I've been before.

I *am* working 56 hours a week, which kind of sucks, but it's well worth it in the end I think.

Some old friends I had nearly forgotten came out of the woodwork, and I have a trip to europe in my near future for my birthday. I won a scholarship, so school money is no longer an issue.

Mike and I still speak, and we're still friends...sort of. We get along fine and all, but quite honestly, he was pretty scary during the breakup. Don't think I've ever encountered anyone that mean, and while I knew he could be quite unfriendly, I hadn't realised the true extent of that facet of his personality.

While he can be the most wonderful, sweet, and caring guy in the world one minute, he can be quite horrific others. While there are times I'm tempted to get back together with him, usually because he's so sweet, I'm reminded of how terrifying he can be, and that usually puts me off him rather quickly.


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## Cat Dancer

pip  said:
			
		

> I'm happier now than I've been before.


This is great!!



> While he can be the most wonderful, sweet, and caring guy in the world one minute, he can be quite horrific others. While there are times I'm tempted to get back together with him, usually because he's so sweet, I'm reminded of how terrifying he can be, and that usually puts me off him rather quickly.


Good. Keep reminding yourself of how scary he can be. It's not worth the good times.


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## foghlaim

delighted to hear from you Pip... and you are doing so well without him,,
old friends back, school fees not a worry anymore that's fantastic. congrats on the scholarship. I really hope you Enjoy your trip to Europe.. it'll be great!!

as Janet says above... just keep reminding yourself of that really mean nasty side of mike and stay clear of him ok. You have shown you can do without him. and you def do not need the life you had with him.

The very best of luck in your new college? a nd i hope you continue to be very happy as you are now.

best wishes

nsa


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## ThatLady

Great to hear from you, Pip! Congratulations on your scholarship and your coming trip to Europe! It sounds like your life is going a lot better now. That's really good news.


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## braveheart

I'm pleased things are improving for you.


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## markyy

Hello Pip

As a I read your story my heart felt for you.

You have had great advice --I will not repeat.

It might be worth trying the following excercise.

1) Write out a list of all the characteristics you think are important in a friendship. Include in this list anything you think you *need* from  someone you would call a *friend*. Then do the same for someone you have chosen to be your *significant other relationship*. 

2) Step 2 is best done with someone who has been a longstanding friend, who you can talk to and share your feelings with. You can do this by yourself but best to have help with it. Go through the list and for each need or characteristic you identified in your lists ask yourself if your boyfriend fullfills the characteristic or need.

3) Within most difficult situations that arises in a human life we have choice at some level -- ask yourself what you choices are even if it seems like making those choices would be hard. Share them with close friends and if making those important choices still seems difficult get some counseling to help you figure out why it is so difficult and how you might change that.

Hope the above helps.

Namaste
Mark Weiss


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