# A better you through humiliation



## David Baxter PhD (Mar 3, 2010)

A better you through humiliation
_Carolyn Online Blog_
March 3, 2010

We took the kids to the Rec Center again. Because _(it?s ****** cold and if we don?t get out of the house we will end up giving the children ?swooshies? where we put their heads in the toilet just for kicks)_ we?re all active like that. 

So anyway, I?m sportin? my black sweatpants from 1992. These things are one generation away from the elastic at the ankle kind of sweat pants. I do not look MILFy. Or Mrs. Robinson-y. And I figured it wouldn?t really matter because let?s face it, this Rec Center is at Georgia Tech.  One of the best engineering schools in the country. You know what that means, right? A student body absolutely overrun with geeks and dorks. That?s kind of what I was counting on.

I was wrong.

As far as the eye can see there are hot, sweaty, half naked man-boys doing sit-ups and pull-ups and oh-my-God-what-is-that-thing-he?s-doing-on-that-rowing-machine?! Suddenly I felt very old.

Scott and Parker were going to run on the indoor track while Tempel and I played racquetball. Tempel?s pretty good at racket sports. She?s got fifth degree Ninja eye-hand coordination. (Fist bump Nintendo!) But the courts were full. So we decided to walk around the track while Scott and Parker were running.

Sidenote: Parker is eight. Her legs are half the height of Scott?s. So she?s like a midget. But she can run with him. I mean he says he slows down for her but I think he?s just saying that to protect his manhood so I call bulls**t. She?s speedy is what I?m saying. And she just completely randomly decided to run 20 laps. Which is about 3 miles. And before you send me ten bajillion emails, let me just say that, Yes. Yes, I have already made a note about it in my ?I swear she?s not from my loins? dossier so that when the aliens come back to look for her I can say to everyone, ?See! I told you she wasn?t like me.?

So anyway, Tempel and I wander up to the track and start walking and every few minutes Parker zooms by us in a flash which is getting really freaking annoying but not nearly as annoying as trying to walk on an elevated track with She-Who-Must-Touch-It. OCD is a constant delight let me tell you. Tempel, stop touching that. Stop touching that. Stop touching that.

Stop. Touching. That.

But once she had put her hand on the rail there was nothing anyone could to about it. She would need to rub the nasty thing all the way around without taking her hand up or the universe would collapse on itself compressing time and space into one blink and then boom we?d all be dead. So she basically saved your life. You?re welcome.

Now if you don?t think I looked super-hot-mamma cool walking around the track yelling StopTouchingThat at one kid while the other one kept zooming by and goosing me while I hiked up my sweatpants from the last millennium then you?d be wrong. I?m sure I was catching the eye of the hot sweaty man-boys stretching on the mat next to the track. They were right there. Clinging to the edge of the track. You could almost reach out and? Stop. Touching. That.

I dragged Tempel along a bit faster. I thought maybe this would be our last lap. If I can just get the two of us off this track without her putting that dirty hand to her face or me tripping over these enormous sweatpants then we?ll be fine. I?ll be cool. I?ll be the cool super-hot-mamma the guys saw at the Rec Center that time.

Ok, last lap. Here comes Dash, I mean Parker. See you at the water fountain when you?re done you little freak. ( I say it with love so it?s ok.) Tempel! Stop. Touching. That. Last lap. Ok, we?re good. Oh look, man-boy on the right is doing push-ups. Oh. Ok, I?m cool. Wait, there are two girls coming up behind us, they?re distracting Tempel! They?re speaking in Chinese. Or Korean? Or Japanese? Shit I don?t know but she?s trying to walk backwards to listen to the fascinating language. No! Eyes front. We?re almost there! Oh geez, now he?s lifting his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face. For the love of Pete?

Then it happens. Tempel is weaving back to the rail so she can keep touching it and the Asian girls are trying to cut over to the water fountain but they can?t steer! they?re cutting me off! they verge right in front of me! And then trip! smack! boom!

I?m down.

I have tripped. And I didn?t have the good luck to have just fallen gracefully, instead I have done this awful sort of lunging thing to catch myself right on the mat with the hot sweaty man-boys. And now I am the old lady that almost fell on them that one time at the gym.

After the quick, embarrassing, I?m fine, no no, fine crap that you do when you make an ass out of yourself I grabbed Tempel and made a run for it.

Huh. I guess that?s what it took to get me to go running at the gym.


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