# Assertiveness: What It Is and What It Isn't



## David Baxter PhD (Apr 11, 2018)

*What So Many of Us Get Wrong About Assertiveness*   by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.,  _       World of Psychology_
April 11, 2018

Most  of us are familiar with the term “assertive.” We have a general idea of  what being assertive means. But that doesn’t mean we fully understand  it. And, in our society, many myths still abound, which adds another  layer of confusion. Which is a problem, because these misconceptions can  lead us to stay silent about our needs, stew in our resentment and let  others walk all over us.

 According to psychotherapist Michele Kerulis, EdD, LCPC,  “Assertiveness is when people clearly communicate their positions,  wants, and needs in respectful ways to others. This includes standing up  for yourself, honoring your values, and being firm about your  boundaries.”

 Below, you’ll learn the facts behind common misconceptions, along  with helpful pointers for being assertive — because it is true that  being assertive is not easy.

*Myth: Being assertive is the same as being aggressive.*
 “Being aggressive tends to involve a hostile interaction, usually  stemming from a state of defensiveness,” said Kerulis, also a professor  of counseling at Counseling@Northwestern. People who are being aggressive “resort to criticism and attacks,” said Rebecca Nichols,  a licensed clinical professional counselor who specializes in  relationship issues throughout the life cycle, including dating,  marriage and divorce.

 Being assertive is the opposite of that. Being assertive means you  have respect for others and their thoughts and opinions, Nichols said.

 Kerulis shared this example: You’re walking down the street and  accidentally bump into someone. If they start yelling “Hey! Watch where  you’re going, you jerk!” that’s an aggressive response. If they calmly  say: “You were looking at your phone and bumped into me. Please watch  where you are walking. That will be safer for you and everyone around  you,” they’re being assertive. That’s because the person acknowledges  the issue—you violated their boundary by bumping into them—states the  facts and provides a rational solution, Kerulis said.

*Myth: Being assertive means you’re difficult. *
 Nichols works with many young women who have a hard time saying no in  their personal relationships because they fear they’ll come across as  “difficult.” “So they end up saying yes to things that exhaust them and  do not make them happy—which results in feeling overwhelmed and  stretched thin in other life areas.”

 Many of us worry that by being assertive, we’ll be seen as  high-maintenance, demanding, bullheaded or bossy. However, being clear  about your needs with others actually makes it easier to maintain a  healthy, close relationship, Nichols said. This helps others know where  you stand and get to know the _real_ you, including your actual opinions and authentic feelings.

*Myth: Being assertive is being rude.  *
 “People believe that they cannot be assertive because they don’t want  to seem rude,” Kerulis said. Instead, many of us assume that the polite  response is to agree with others—even when we don’t. We assume that  it’s courteous and kind to say yes and stay quiet. However, you can be  both these things to others (and to yourself!) by being assertive.

 Kerulis shared this example: Whenever you’re working in a team at  your job, you always get stuck with the tedious tasks. Instead of  saying, “I refuse to do this boring part. Someone else do it,” (which  would be rude), you say: “I have done this the last few projects and  would enjoy doing something else. Let’s take turns because, honestly,  nobody wants this task but it must get done. I would like to provide  creativity on the color scheme of the project this time.”

 According to Kerulis, “This communicates your concerns, your desire  to work on a different task, and your willingness to be a team player.”

*Myth: Being assertive is being selfish. *
 Similarly, people worry that by being assertive, they’ll be seen as  self-absorbed. Recently, some of Nichols’s clients have even brought up  the word “narcissistic.” (Which actually isn’t a synonym for  selfishness; it’s much more complex than that.)

 Unfortunately, our society has created this narrative, particularly  for women. Assertiveness requires people to advocate for their needs,  and in our society, just thinking about our needs supposedly makes us  selfish.

 “We go out of our way to teach little kids to think about others’  feelings (which we still should),” Nichols said. “But we never really  work with them in the same way to make sure they know their own  feelings.”

 As she clarified, being assertive isn’t about lacking consideration  for others’ feelings. Instead, people who are assertive “have a lot of  empathy and care about others’ feelings; they just also care about their  own. These two things are not mutually exclusive as often portrayed.”  People who are assertive also don’t make demands, like selfish people  do; they make respectful requests.

 For instance, your friend asks you to help her shop for a wedding  this weekend, but you’re absolutely exhausted. According to Nichols, you  say: “I understand you need my help today and I would really like to be  there for you. However, today I need to take care of myself, as I am  overwhelmed from my week. I would love to help next weekend instead,  would that work for you?”

*Tips for Being Assertive*


*Become self-aware.* According to Nichols, the most  important strategy is self-awareness. “You cannot communicate clearly  with others about your preferences and boundaries until you know what  those preferences and boundaries are.” Take the time to pause and  reflect on your needs and wants. 
*Be calm. *Naturally, people will be more receptive  to what you say if you communicate calmly. Try not to get frustrated if  someone doesn’t understand you, Kerulis said. 
*Be selective and considerate. *Be thoughtful about  the words you say and the tone you use. Again, Kerulis stressed the  importance of sharing your opinion, giving a rationale for your opinion  and providing a solution. 
*Be clear and specific. *For instance, you’re at a  party. Someone keeps asking you if you want a cocktail. You don’t drink,  and you’ve already said no several times. According to Kerulis, an  assertive response would be: “You’ve asked me if I want a drink five  times and I said no five times. Please respect my answer and do not ask  again.” 
*Practice. *Nichols suggested writing down what you’d  like to say and rehearsing it. Like any skill, assertiveness improves  with lots and lots of practice. 
*Start small. *“Start with low-impact, low-pressure  situations to increase comfort,” Nichols said. When someone suggests a  meal at dinner that you don’t want, mention what you do want. When  someone asks you where you’d like to go for dinner, actually state your  preference. It also might be easier to start with strangers and  acquaintances, instead of family, friends and colleagues, she said. 

 Being assertive isn’t being aggressive, difficult, rude or selfish.  Being assertive is a powerful way we can support ourselves and  strengthen our relationships.


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## Retired (Apr 11, 2018)

One of the earliest lessons I learned about assertiveness was at one of my first jobs where I had to telephone people in management at various companies.

Wanting to sound polite and not pushy, my call would start with, "Can I speak with Mr. Smith?" which led to a variety of responses, many of which did not result in reaching Mr. Smith.

My new employer, on overhearing my approach suggested saying, " I'd like to speak with Mr. Smith" and then listen to the response which provided much better information as to what I needed to do to reach Mr. Smith, if Mr. Smith was not immediately available.

By stating "I would like" clearly defines your goal, whereas asking if I may / or can speak to the person, put me on the defensive.

I have found that saying "I would like" whenever I have a request of someone is a much more assertive and effective communication statement.


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## Daniel (Apr 11, 2018)

And, of course, there is the always-popular passive-aggressive approach if a passive approach doesn't work 

Are you Passive, Aggressive, or Assertive?


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## Daniel (Apr 11, 2018)

A guy role playing an employee talking to his (female) boss in different ways (passive, aggressive, and assertive):

9 What does passive behaviour look like? - YouTube

10 What does aggressive behaviour look like? - YouTube

11 What does assertive behaviour look like? - YouTube


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