# an ending



## forgetmenot

Just want an ending


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## David Baxter PhD

That’s just what your brain is telling you now. But you know it can’t be that way.


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## forgetmenot

I know sorry but it keeps pushing me it keeps telling me the only way but um ya have to not go there


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## forgetmenot

it has been a very very long day stayed inside all day could not bring myself outside even for wood for fire or fresh air hsb should be home soon then we have to go to out not much energy but have to tired it get so hard fighting with the thoughts i feel depleted almost not here.


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## David Baxter PhD

It is exhausting at times, isn’t it? Maybe it will help to get outside for a bit.


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## GaryQ

Don't forget this time of year is a hard one... lack if warmth and daylight hours. Hang in there FMN spring is coming just a couple more months.


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## forgetmenot

Ya cold here all time got home 58 degrees in house putting fire on won't go upstairs as it will be even colder up there so will stay down here by fire. 
 Went to my grandson 4th birthday celebrations could not back out of that one but glad i went got to hold them all and hug them all.
 Do not know why i am so sad now but eh time to try to shut down.

   Hope tomorrow i can get me out a bit and not stay inside as it is suppose to be warmer tomorrow we will see.


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## gooblax

Glad to hear that you had a nice time at your grandson's birthday party fmn.
Have you tried other strategies rather than shutting down the sadness, like maybe journalling for a bit about what's on your mind, or doing some sort of mindfulness activity where you focus on how the emotion feels in your body?

I hope you get to go out tomorrow, and feel better soon.


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## forgetmenot

Thanks gooblax i will sometimes sit down and j ust write the words that come to mind let the words come out. I do not want to feel or deal with emotions  just too hard it gets to painful and overwhelming so that is why i shut it all down.  I have not seen therapist now will be 4 weeks but booked to see him this Thursday so hopefully will be able to get this mind to stop going to  a way out  i know the way out i do but i also know i cannot go there.


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## GaryQ

Bottling it up is really not healthy. It's like keep blowing up a tire or balloon sooner or later the built up pressure has no where to go and it explodes. Find some way to let it out even if it's scaring the wildlife in the area by just going outside and screaming from the top of your lungs. You need to work hard my friend on letting it all out. Hugs


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## David Baxter PhD

Bottling it up indefinitely isn't healthy, that's true, and grief just waits until you're ready anyway no matter how long that takes.

But when it's especially raw, there's nothing wrong with delaying it awhile until you're feeling a bit stronger.


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## forgetmenot

Hoping therapist will help me let some of it out in a more controlled way.  

 If i were to let it out that is when the want to leave comes because i cannot control it.

  The sadness the pain and the anger and so much more, anyways up now i will try so hard to get out of here because being alone is not good for me even if i just go out for a coffee maybe. My mind says go look after girl and twin but i don't know that may not be best choice either i dont know.


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## GaryQ

Hope you have a great time out today!


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## forgetmenot

Ok decided to just go for coffee for now see how i do with that thanks


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## forgetmenot

Home could not finish coffee stomach got upset but stayed out walking in stores 

 Bought my girl a running coat with reflection on it to protect her when she walks at night from second hand store and something for eldest grandaughter then came home to eat sandwich worried about things but will try not to let mind go there.


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## forgetmenot

Saw therapist reinforced why i cannot leave grandchildren need me there

 Eldest grandaughter who is just 8 fell injured her arm uggg  she finally has a temp cast on it until mon where they will re xray it  think she fractured growth plate  
 Dam anyways too long story but therapist  just reinforced why i cannot leave yet.  I don't know maybe trying cbd wont hurt  maybe .
I know i have anxiety i do but it is the depression that is harming me more now  just have to keep busy  that all keep busy.


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## GaryQ

Sorry to hear your granddaughter brpke her arm. Hope it heals well and fast.



forgetmenot said:


> Saw therapist reinforced why i cannot leave grandchildren need me there.



And "ahem" we needs ya here


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## forgetmenot

Daughter hospital again  tired  this wi ll never end it wont


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## GaryQ

What happened FMN? Is she OK?


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## forgetmenot

she overdosed gravol and other things  transferred her from one hospital to the larger hospital  i should have went down today  i should have followed my gut reaction  i knew i knew she was in trouble  omg   now i wait  they will keep her overnight i hope  i told her to call me no matter what time i will go down and get her if need be but they will probably watch her and put her on iv flush her system   I just wait now i wait   you see you see it will never end  i just pray whatever she took or did will not take her away or not cause her any further damage .  I want to go to hospital but hsb says no he always says no don't go let them deal with it  that there is nothing i can do  omg  im tired now  i don't know what to do anymore  i begged her to come back with her father i begged her to stay well i begged her i did  i told her i would go get her just to stay well just to stay well and no  no she had to do this again  ipray she does not end up in ICU omg  not again not again  please god not again not again


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## forgetmenot

No calls from her today im afraid to call i jut cannot call i just can't just want her to be well again i want her treated well 
hope she calls me soon.
I am so tired been in my pj since 7pm  just wishing someone would let me know how she is doing.  I hate having to ask twin all the time to call for me but maybe tomorrow i will get a call from her. If not i will ask my twin to call for me uggg.


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## GaryQ

As long as she’s in hospital she’s safe. Try and Get some rest!


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## forgetmenot

Cannot sleep hard when one knows too much  your right she is getting the care she needs now she is right i hope so  i hope they are caring for her with compassion like last hospital she was at. Sorry just so afraid just so afraid for her.


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## GaryQ

It’s normal to be afraid. And no, it will never be 100% smooth sailing for her. I don’t know her and I’m always worried about her. But she had made incredible progress since that stay at the good hospital. Try not to forget that! She stumbled but she’s been on a way better path lately and I find comfort in knowing that. 

But you re a mama bear and you’ll always worry about her and naturally want to protect and keep her safe. I said it before and I’ll say it again she’s one lucky girl to have you as her mama bear


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## forgetmenot

My twin could feel my anxiety and called hospital for me without having to ask her they would not tell her much just that if she wanted to know things to come down and visit her.  I am on my way down to hospital now she is still in emergency so i won't have to go behind lock doors   I hope she is ok leaving now to see her.


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## GaryQ

Keep us posted please


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## forgetmenot

She was still very groggy not coherent at first very much but then as morning went on she started to come around.  Dr came in she told dr she was still very depressed so dr reformed her  told my daughter if she starts to feel better let doctor know  she has ultrasound booked this wed for her kidney and liver don't know if she will be able to get that as it is in the smaller hospital it was booked.  Let the personal support worker know that so hopefully someone steps in and sees if she can still get it done.  Oh dear  i got her lots of fluids while i was there and fruit bowl and a pizza for lunch.  all they get while they are in emerg is a sandwich for lunch and supper with  some apple sauce  uggg.  Hope she gets feeling better can still see the signs of the affect of the gravol on her.  Wanted to take her home with me but knew she would be safer there for a few more days anyways.  She says she felt like she was feeling so sad because of loosing her grandmother iknew i told her  and loss of other people too and she could feel some of them not in heaven but in purgatory she was in a differ space her mind was.    told the personal support worker that too.   I hope they figure it all out  maybe her liver and gallbladder not working so well all has a part of all this.  For now she is safe not in the dam place the abuse her before just in emergency part so i could stay as long as i wanted not be booted out like before.   she got tired again so i left and told her i would be back if not tomorrow next day but to call me let me know what is happening.  She is getting blood work done so hopefully they can adjust her medication as need be.   tired now going to put something on for supper then hopefully i can rest a bit afterwards.


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## gooblax

Glad to hear you got some time with your daughter and that they're looking after her.


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## forgetmenot

I know they are looking after her best they can emergency very busy  kinda wish i took her home here uggg maybe tomorrow.


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## GaryQ

Maybe it might be a good idea to leave her there till they see fit to let her go? After all she is safe there which right now is the most important thing.


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## forgetmenot

Going to see my girl again today  i don't care what anyone thinks or says  she needs to know that she is cared for that people will not throw her away or judge her because of what is happening.    Yes she makes bad choices yes but i do think there is some medical aspect to this physical aspect with her gallbladder and liver being affected and not working well.   Oh well see what happens when i get there. I do hope that they can get her to her ultrasound tomorrow.  i know  i do know sometimes it is best to step away it is a hard call sometimes.


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## forgetmenot

Well drove all the way there only to find out she is in lock up area now not the one in emergency but upstairs and i could not visit her as the area was unsettled

 Nurse said too much going on.  
The nurse was kind though took the things i bought my daughter food clothing etc to her  it upset her that i could not go in but i talked to her on phone and calmed her down.

I  did a lot of running around re this ultrasound but it has to be done by the hospital she is at so they have to get it re-booked there.  
 The thing is her original requisition is in her purse i am sure of it and it is in security lock up 
  They have to think get security to bring her purse to her so she can get dam requisition  ugggg not my problem now they i hope can deal with it. 
 I did give the nurse my daughter new doctors name as her old doctor has retired.  That upset her too but the new doctor seems kind.  I hope they relay any information to the new doctor as well. 

 She has also an appt with her psychiatrist i see this Thursday and i hope her act teams is aware she is in hospital and to cancel that appt.   
 I dropped by her apartment to make sure everything was turned off  dam dam it looked like a bomb was set off in it  food everywhere on floor dirty dishes everywhere on couch floor  just upset me more.   

Tried to clean up place as much as i could did her dishes that's it and got rid of all the gravol there i could find
i am  home now  haven't decide if i can go tomorrow or not they say visiting hours are only after 4pm  that won't happen as hsb home then.

   I will call tomorrow morning see if i can get in to see her for 20 min that is all that is allowed either tomorrow or Thursday.   After seeing what i saw ya she belongs in hospital  for awhile anyways.

One day at a time right she will be ok there i am glad she is not in the part she was before and tonight anyways she is with a kind nurse.
Again i being told to let her go let her go well that won't happen ever sorry just upsets me that people so easily can say and do that. would you walk away from someone that was suffering from cancer no she has a cancer like brain do they not see that  her brain does not always work right  oh well  got to let it go for now  hsb home soon have to get something on quickly for supper.


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## forgetmenot

Never mind hope the weather does not get too bad as i am not allowed to see daughter till the evening they say and for only 20min at a time in the intensive psychiatric unit.   Most hospitals encourage visits with family it seems not when you have mental health problems.


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## GaryQ

I think the isolation and time limits are partly to protect the patient from outside triggers in a controlled environment. Many patients have issues that are caused or aggravated by their immediate family and friends and isolating them from the outside world can be helpful in the long run. 

Try and keep in mind she’s there for a serious reason and needs help to learn to stop putting her life in danger.


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## forgetmenot

20 MIN  is not long enough felt like i walk in and had to walk out.  i was allowed 25 min that it  could not talk to her nurse as she was at supper i guess.  security guard allowed me to go down and get pizza and a pop for her and he would give it to her.   She did not have lunch because all they had for her was tuna sandwich and she hates fish.  I did that but he was not available so another nurse said she would give it to my daughter.  I just hope my duaghter was not acting out after i left she was very emotional too.

 I left so defeated  i still feel so emotionally upset  

 Family members should be allowed to comfort their child no matter what time of day no matter how long it takes.
  But rules are rules  i told her i begged her to stay well.  i have booked another 20 min visit for tomorrow she did say that she is getting her ultrasound done tomorrow so that is good.  I could not even speak afterwards the words would not come out  you know i fell apart   anyways hopefully soon she will get out of lock up and to big ward where she can walk more.  tired now need to rest i guess  sorry for rambling.


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## Mari

Ramble all you want! Hopefully this will all turn out to be helpful for your daughter.


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## forgetmenot

Ultrasound still not done yet going again to see her 430 pm  could not book 4 oclock one  be dark when i have to drive home. ugg 

 Hoping she gets stable enough to transfer to the other side more room to move hoping ultrasound gets done today.

  So tired may have to take a couple of days off from going to see her it really does drain me  i am drained today  no energy but i will try my best to not let her seee that.
  Bought her stuff to color to keep her mind occupied when there. 

 Taking one day at a time as i am sure she is too.   T,alked with my therapist yesterday on phone for few minutes so triggering going there being locked in  hearing her words child like , oh breathing have to learn to just breath before  i go and afterwards.

  I just want her well  strong again.  another nurse there her son is doing well he is living independently,  i am happy for her. 

Just have to hold onto hope for my girl too. One day she too will have stability and um somehow be able to live independently on her own like the other nurse son is.


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## forgetmenot

Ending  an ending to the cruelty and abuse really of all who suffer from mental illness.  I am sorry but it is the professionals that abuse the mentally ill the worse they do. 

More and more i see no hope  and more and more it pushes the thoughts that ending it all will be the only way to escape seeing and hearing and feeling all the pain not only mine  but others who are being treated like nothings.
She was stable for 4 months  they do not see that.
  I went to see her yesterday she is still locked up 12 days 12 days  now.   She wants to go home she wants out of there  you don't know how they treat them.  She had to void in a cup because they would not take her to the bathroom.  It is sickening really really is i am sick i begged her not to ever get herself back there.

 I don't know who called the ambulance but she does not deserve to be treated like an animal none of them do.   Praying she gets out of the lock up and goes to the other side where she has room to move away from the yelling and cries for help. 
 If this is not appropriated please deleted it  just so dam sad  so sad for her omg.

  Why is other hospital allows family in any time allows family to give support works with family they do.   Not once was she treated like she was no-one  not once was her feelings pushed aside 

 i mean to say i don't care what you feel or say how is that professional and when she would not stop stating how upset she was  she was locked in her room for it. 

 Now i had to tell her don't show emotions don't approach anyone  hide in your room so they don't harm you dam it so they don't harm you.  what the hell kind of place is this when staff can bully a patient. 

Yes there is kind staff ones that are trained and do their job in a professional manner thank God for them. 

 They are given her meds that are very addictive unlike the other hospital  meds she will have to wean off if and when she gets discharged.  Sorry  cannot go see her today storming roads are bad  omg  just pray she has compassionate workers today because i will not be able to bring her mood up this evening.  Her bad time is 4pm and on.  never mind sorry please delete if inappropriate thanks


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## GaryQ

It is not in appropriate FMN. I sorry to hear she’s still in lockup. That’s sad.

i don’t want to manipulate you emotionally but honestly the fact you been hanging on is one of the main reasons I’m still here and hanging on in spite of also wanting an end to all this.

please hang  in there my friend


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## forgetmenot

I hear you  eh i have use that too  hold on we both have to hold on i hear you omg  so hard sometimes  so hard

 wish we both could find peace i wish all the ones suffering in that place could find a way out  find healing and peace

  compassion you know works better then all the dam sedatives they give them COMPASSION  why is so dam hard for people in the healing profession to give that.  

 Don't worry been shoveling snow be out in the dam snow and ice just keeping me busy keeping my mind away from her pain.  wish they would put her to the other side where she could talk to someone not be so alone in lock up.

i want to call crisis but i can't  i can't trust anyone i can't trust anyone to call them  not even going to call therapist not going to calll anyone  trust no one  tell my girl don't trust ok don't talk to them  color use your book i give you and color do your yoga just stay quiet stay away from them all.   One security guard  he was kind the night i went  he has compassion hope he talks to my girl keeps her calm  brings her mood up some.   Ya  not about me  i know that not about me  it is about my girl  one day i pray one day this will end for her too.

I am sorry GaryQ i know you are fighting hard to stay too take so much strength  i do hope you are able to just have some rest time out with your friend and hope your other friend gets back soon too to spend time with you.


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## GaryQ

Right now I just hope you can find some peace and one positive thing you need to remember : She was doing great for what 4 months? You didn;t think that would ever happen right? But it did so try and remember the progress she has made and if they don't help her properly you just do what you did last time and bring her where she got good and caring help. Gotta do what you gotta do.

Big virtual hug :support:


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## forgetmenot

Girl called said there is hope she will be transferred to the other side tonight  i will not hold my breath i was just glad she called me she sounded better tonight.
 Hope it happens hope they transfer my visiting time over there for tomorrow.
 Will call in morning to make sure.  uggg tired  i am to see therapist tomorrow not much to say to him  his words never mind  hope i sleep tonight so i am rested up to see girl tomorrow  long day tomorrow for me  long drives  hope weather is not bad.


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## gooblax

Very glad to hear that your daughter called you tonight and I hope that there's good news tomorrow fmn.
At least if you see your therapist tomorrow you can discuss some of these worries with them, and maybe how you've been doing with the self care with what's been going on?


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## Jesse910

Hey FMN: There are days when I wake up and I want to remain in bed. However, I force myself to get up because I owe it to myself to find something soothing each day. For example, today, it was a dog sticking it's head out the car window; it was a friend making a silly face at me; and it was my dog eating some pizza crust.  I feel lonely / depressed most days. I fight it because, I have a husband and adult son who would never understand. I would not understand FMN. When I hit bottom, I talk to my husband.  And, if he does not understand, I keep talking.  And, after the death of my former therapist 7 months ago, I am talking to my new therapist.  You are not alone in your thoughts. I hope you get to see your therapist soon.  Please keep talking here. Your words have been a big help to me.


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## Jesse910

FMN:
My thoughts are with you and your daughter.  Unlike your daughter, I was only held on  72 HR hold twice in the same year. Unless you have experienced it, the will is not to "die," so much as it's to end the pain.  I am hoping with you that your daughter finds the will to live and that you find calm during these moment to moment day.


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## forgetmenot

i Jesse i am glad you are talking to your therapist so glad you are and also that you are able to reach out to your husband. 
I am sorry you are feeling so depressed i know that hurts that deep depression. 

 Thanks for saying i can talk here i did write so much of my pain out here but deleted it all.   I um been too triggered to trust anyone now not after how they treated my daughter in lock up. 
I still see the judgement  i still see the cruelty shown  the abuse really emotional abuse verbal abuse towards the mentally ill. 
Jessie i could go on and on and on but it will not help anyone.  I just wish people would use more compassion that is all

Yes i am lost and i am very very very sad omg cannot do this um i did talk to therapist about what happened to trigger me  i tried to tell him anyways how i could not even speak the next couple days after what happened   
i cannot trust Jessie  i cannot trust no one.
   My therapist saw how worn out i was encouraged self care  and i am trying  to that.   I am just tired of the fight you know  of the battles inside me.  
  I know no matter how low i get the thoughts those thoughts  i cannot go there because there is no one that will be there for my girl if i leave  and it scares me because what happens to her when i do go who will be there to show here she matters. 

Thanks Jesse really  i do believe you do understand thanks for reaching out.


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## Jesse910

FMN: When I tried to take my life, I heard the staff talking about me.  Because I am a private person, their words cut me. Hang on.


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## forgetmenot

I am sorry they were so unprofessional in that way.  My girl is still on form but not in the intensive care part now she is still locked in has 30 min passes so to speak 
She had trouble with getting back on time i brought her a watch it seems to help her.  I also  brought her more things to color more paper to draw on.   
I will hang on you too ok  going to try to rest soon thanks for talking to me  You continue to take care of you ok.


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## GaryQ

Yes, both of you take care of yourselves.


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