# I tried



## forgetmenot (Dec 19, 2009)

I try but i can't be there i just can't i end up dam tears and pushing away. He doesn't see the tears i get up and leave.  He doesn't understand i just can't.  It is not fair to him i know but the pain in my chest sick feeling i just can't.  All the negative emotion come flooding back.  I wish i could tell him but i can't talk to him not about past.  He must realize by now i just cannot and will not be physical again in this relationship or any relationship.  I just want to be friends only now no more.  Can a marriage last this way. I don't want or need physical contact, he does  It is not fair to him but i can't i just can't without falling apart. Its not going to work is it  maybe its for the best.


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## Banned (Dec 20, 2009)

Violet,

I assume when you say "him" you are talking about your husband.  You need to calm down and provide us with some information we can work with if you want some help.

What brought all this on?  Is this sudden?  Have there been problems for awhile?  Not wanting physical contact - is that new or has it always been that way?  That can stem from a number of issues, some of them physical.  Have you considered couples counselling?  Do you want the marriage to work or have you given up?  If you've given up, why are you still there?  Is that fair to him?

If you can give us some more to work with, we might be able to support you a little more.


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## Jazzey (Dec 20, 2009)

I agree with Persona Violet.  Your post is a little cryptic to me....:support:


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## forgetmenot (Dec 20, 2009)

Again i am sorry   I was in too much pain and i really don't get where i am at anymore.  I have never been one for physical contact because afterward i end up feeling really bad about myself.  After last night i had terrible nightmares again my husband said i was screaming and swearing for them to get out but i can't remember anything. My brain just doesn't remember.  I just know everytime my husband trys to get physical i just feel like garbage.  I have been this way as long as i can remember but have always been able to get throught the contact. 
We are still married we are friends  He just doesn't know anything about my past and i don't want him to know.  I already feel bad i don't need him to know  NObody knows but my therapist.   Your right though it is not fair to my husband i push him away.  It was not his fault   I was just too young  I don't remember everything   I just know i don't want people touching me in that way.  Just want to be friends stay together as family is all i have .  Again i am not making sense so please just let this thread be for now.  Until i know what is happening i can't explain clearly. i can't bring this up to therapist either it is too embarrassing somehow i have to figure this one out on my own.  thanks and sorry my threads seem to be so confusing  im sorry.


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## Jazzey (Dec 21, 2009)

I hope you discuss this with your therapist Violet.  It can be worked on - all of it. And, I'm not convinced that you need to share your past with your husband until and unless you're ready to do so.  

For the time being, maybe just try and explain the pain that you go through to him - so that you keep that open dialogue and, he doesn't feel rejected by you?  

:support:


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 21, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> I'm not convinced that you need to share your past with your husband until and unless you're ready to do so.
> 
> For the time being, maybe just try and explain the pain that you go through to him - so that you keep that open dialogue and, he doesn't feel rejected by you?



I do think it important that you or someone (perhaps your therapist?) try to explain to your husband why exactly you react to him the way you do.

There's an excellent little book for husbands written by Grant Cameron, called _What About Me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse_. He did not discover until several years into his marriage that his wife even had such a history and the book talks about his struggles to help her and his awareness that a lot of the time there was little he could do except rely on his wife and her therapist to guide her. Perhaps that might be helpful to your husband, Violet.


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## forgetmenot (Dec 21, 2009)

I hear what you are saying but right now no i do not want my husband to know anything of my past no.  I am just weak right now i will get strong again and be able to handle things again.  I just will tell my mind its okay.  I cannot bring this up with psychologist either i can't talk about things like that it is not right.  How did i cope all these years i just did and somehow i will find a way back.  I will for the moment explain to him i am not feeling well  He usually goes to sleep before me so i will stay up until i know hes asleep.  I can do this somehow things will get better. Its in the past all of it and that is where it will stay. thanks i do understand but can't no one else will know


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## Banned (Dec 21, 2009)

Your husband doesn't necessarily need to know the details of what you're struggling with, Violet, but it may be helpful to both of you for him to just know that you're struggling.

As for not being able to bring it up with your psychologist, only you can decide when or if you're ready, but be assured that your therapist has probably heard everything and is truly in the best position to help you move past the obvious anxiety surrounding this.

You seem very set on carrying alot of emotional "baggage" (forgive me for not finding a better term) yourself.  Let me assure you that you do not have to do this.  "No man is an island"...it's hard to let people in, but those people can help carry and alleviate the burden.

I hope you find some peace soon.


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## forgetmenot (Dec 22, 2009)

No im okay now i can do this. No emotional baggage  It would be worse if he knew no i could not deal with that   I will let him know i am struggling with just stress of everything and tired and when i am stronger we will connect he will understand  Thanks i am okay now thanks.


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