# Relationships: The Unfair Burden



## David Baxter PhD (Apr 15, 2012)

*Relationships: The Unfair Burden*
 by Suzanne St. John Smith
April 10, 2012

Recently,  I was invited to share on a panel about dating and relationships, and I  decided to write a blog about a few of the things that I’ve learned  over the years about relationships, both personally, as well as in my  role as a therapist.

I wasn’t born knowing how to ‘do’ relationships; few of us are.  More  often than not, we learn by some sort of psychic osmosis by directly or  indirectly observing our parents, or parental figures, interact with  one another throughout our formative years.  However, that’s not often  the good news since many of us didn’t have the sorts of role models who  could demonstrate healthy and loving behaviors in their relationships  with one another, nor even with us, their children.  So, inevitably when  we leave home, and become involved in intimate relationships ourselves,  we do the only thing we know how: we set out to re-create what we’ve  learned, and, with no real surprise, the “recipe” once again fails.   Thus, the cycle of dysfunction continues to pass from one generation to  the next.

During my earlier years, I realized that I looked to relationships  for different things.  For example, when I was 16-years old, I looked to  relationships to ‘save me’ somehow from the alcoholic dysfunction that  wrecked havoc in my family home on a daily basis.  But eventually, I  found a patient and loving young man, who for reasons of his own, became  willing to play the role of savior to me, this young, hurt, and very  confused girl.  Our relationship lasted for 7 years, and we eventually  parted such that we were able to keep in tact our love and respect for  one another, even 33 years later. Yet, as I reflect back on that  relationship, and a few others that took place afterwards, I realize  that I was armed with absolutely no useful – and certainly, no healthy –  tools to negotiate the inevitable issues that arise within any intimate  relationship, including those of compromise, respectful disagreement,  money, sex, autonomy, and so on.  I adopted a “kill or be killed”  approach, which clearly wasn’t going to bode well for a relationship  that would stand the test of time.  I had much to learn, indeed.

As I moved on, I hit a point in my mid-20s that lead me to decide  that in order to have the opportunity to create the sort of life I truly  wanted, I needed to make some significant changes.  And, so I did, but I  didn’t make those changes alone.  In fact, I was fortunate enough to  meet some very kind and special people at that juncture in my life who  have now become lifelong friends, and who were kind enough, and patient  enough, to lend me the sort of guidance that I never had while growing  up in that crazy, alcoholic home.  And, as a result, I learned vital  skills that aided me in beginning to develop healthy relationships while  using the sorts of emotional tools that I’d never known existed.   Needless to say, I made the most of this amazing opportunity to learn,  and over the years that seemingly minor decision to finally ‘do things  differently’ has changed both me, and my relationships, profoundly ever  since.  And, as a result, I’ve been fortunate enough to participate in  the sort of intimate relationship for almost 20 years that I’d  previously never thought possible.

But, in order for my own past experiences to prove useful for me  professionally, I spent time reflecting back on the ways in which  (consciously or unconsciously) I looked to intimate relationships to  somehow ‘fix’ the broken parts of myself, and to fill the black hole  that ran though the middle of my emotional gut.  I, like millions of  others, was raised on movies and songs that both supported and  encouraged the kind of dysfunctional ways of thinking that led me to  believe that if I could only just find my ‘soul mate’, the one that  would truly love me unconditionally, I’d be more or less instantly  healed.  Or, I will no longer be alone or lonely – ever – when I meet  “Mr. Right”.  And, I’ll be at peace, and will finally be magically  ‘right’ with the world around me as soon as I meet the “Love of My  Life”.  In the same vein, I, again like many others, especially in the  throes of early attraction (aka, sex-addicted, hormone-based,  narcissistic adoration – and usually of ourselves), sought to find that  perfect ‘fit’ in a partner such that I could finally feel better about  myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and, yes, even  spiritually.  In fact, many people believe their deep attraction to  ‘him’ or ‘her’ causes them to have a powerful life-changing spiritual  experience.  Yet, on the other side, when the deep intensity of the new  relationship begins to fade, that spiritual experience is more often  than not viewed in retrospect as simply being rooted in a powerful, and  blinding hormonal surge, and, that assessment is usually quite accurate!

What I came to understand as a result of this self-reflection,  however, is that by burdening my relationships with the task of ‘fixing’  me, I was ultimately dooming it to failure.  And, as it goes, there  usually isn’t just one person in the relationship who’s unconsciously  seeking some sort of emotional repair; the other one is usually looking  for the same thing, but perhaps in different ways.   And, so considering  the overwhelming weight of expectation that couples place on their  relationships, it’s not at all surprising that the divorce rate is so  high.  But, each time we walk through the glittering door of hope and  expectation into a new relationship stubbornly believing yet again that   “this one will be different”, we inevitably find that it usually  isn’t.  So, I’ve found that unless we stop long enough to reflect on the  roles we’ve played in the sinking of past relationships, and become  willing to learn a healthier way to ‘do’ them, they can’t help but  continue to wilt and die.  The short of it is that we simply need to  grow up, and instead of abdicating responsibility for our own emotional  recovery by handing over the burden of a bucket that’s filled with all  the hurts and resentments of our broken and sad pasts to the one we say  we love, we need to become willing to start dealing with the contents of  it ourselves.  And, in so doing, it’ll likely be the first tangible,  courageous, and vital, step that we take toward developing a framework  for the kind of mature relationship that has a greater probability of  thriving over the long term.  Not necessarily an easy step to take, but  one where the rewards have the potential to be greater than you might  have ever thought possible, as was the case for me.


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## markprince59 (Apr 18, 2012)

I read, and appreciate what you wrote about relationships.  I have lived with a lady a year older than myself for just over five years.  A reoccuring pattern is this: She comes into my room or space, and "Asks me about something."  I have ADD and moderate inability to organize and care for my activities of daily living.  In spite of that, I stop what I am doing, I listen, (REALLY), and than I try to contribute back in a way that either lets her know something that she didn't previously know, or more importantly, I help her with ideas about how to find her best answer.

What I am quickly met with by her is, a rolling of the eyes, looking away from me while she says something dismissive, or she cuts off my attempt at saying my thoughts before I can complete a short response to what she asked me about.

I am not Dr. Phil, but I have a long history of dealing with many different types of people, and aside from her, I have often been complimented for my caring and polite attempts at sharing a response.  Does anyone have some input about how to make the best of this situation?


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