# Parents are flawed humans, just like the rest of us



## David Baxter PhD (Aug 9, 2017)

*Why It's OK That Your Parents Are Jerks*
by Andrea Scoretz, _HuffPost Canada_
August 9, 2017     

About 10 years ago I got arrested for being drunk in public.

Long  story short, I was in a really bad state. I was severely depressed,  drinking heavily, and couldn't see past the bottle in front of me.

No  one in my family was capable of helping during this time. They just  didn't know how to deal with me. Neither did the psych nurse that came  to see me in jail when I'd sobered up. She basically told me that if I  did it again there would be charges pressed. No offers for counselling  or help.

So it was all on my own shoulders ? to heal and get  better. It was like, "You're ****ed up, and there is no reason why you  should be ? none of us are. So it's on you to figure out your issues and  get over them."

Do  I think I deserved better treatment? If I was eager to jump on the  self-pity train, I'd say yes. But I'll repeat what I said previously: no  one in my life was capable of helping me; they didn't know how to deal  with me. And I think I scared the **** out of them because I was like  this volatile ****ing rocket that was ready to go off at any time.

I  learned a lot from my experience. One being that generally as a  society, we lack compassion for scenarios and people we don't  understand. We get so scared, and default to simplifying and minimizing  another person's struggle.

*So we say "You loser drunk" instead of "You deeply troubled girl who doesn't know how to love herself."*

And  obviously, it takes less time and energy to call someone a loser, or a  **** up, and wipe your hands of them. No one wants to take ownership of a  shitty scenario so they just blame it away.

*Parents do it too.*
And  egos don't like compassion or empathy. They are horny for power and  control, and there's tons of that in the judgment process. So generally,  our ego-dominated society digs judgment, because it boosts people up,  albeit under dirty, false pretenses.

What am I saying? I'm saying I  wouldn't change a thing. I got better on my own, and I'm proud of that  fact. It didn't happen right away, not even after that night in jail.  But it happened. And through the process of recovering and discovering  some love for myself, I learned a lot of stuff, particularly about my  family.


_My hope for what I wanted my parents to be was so intense that I couldn't see who they actually were: flawed humans._
​
I  learned it takes two to tango. That just because someone does something  shitty doesn't mean it warrants a lifetime of judgment and  ostracization. And I'm not talking about myself here, though of course,  it is relatable to my scenario.

I've realized that the avoidance  of any and all responsibility for one's actions causes great imbalance.  I've long held one parent responsible for all the issues in our family,  sheltering the other from any ownership. When in fact it takes two to  create a shitty situation. To capitalize on the other's mistakes and use  it as fuel, in order to dismiss ownership of the unsightly, and  proclaim "I didn't do anything wrong; I am innocent" is to create an  imbalance that causes much discontent ? for all parties involved.

Blame  is high-grade procrastination ? it's like the THC in the weed that  tweaks your brain. It keeps you from seeing your own contributions to  the discontent you feel. For whatever reason, my journey has entailed  blaming others and outside sources for all the shitty stuff that went on  in my life. I was taught how to blame away my problems, and now I'm  teaching myself how to release the need to do that.

*Because I am hyper-cognizant of the fact that blame is a recipe for suffering.*
Truth: if you find yourself in a shitty interaction, you had a hand in it. You are not innocent. *This does not mean you are a piece of **** and unworthy of love.*  It means that to say you had no hand in the events surrounding your  discontent is to avoid the lesson. And I don't know about you, but I  WANT TO KNOW ALL THE LESSONS. I want to make sense of the struggle, and  come out of it like a ****ing phoenix rising from the ashes.

My hope for what I wanted my parents to be was so intense that I couldn't see who they actually were: flawed humans.

That's  not a slight, it just is what it is. Yes, they have talents and  abilities and positive qualities ? but they are human, and to be human  is to be flawed. Part of my journey has entailed realizing that they  will not always be right, or kind, or compassionate, or loving.

*My parents are capable of being jerks, just like every other person walking the planet.*
And  they weren't and will not be capable of being my saviors. They won't  be able to fix me or teach me to appreciate myself, they won't be the  ones leading me towards enlightenment, though, through their dysfunction  and perceived failures, I have learned to love who I am, and function  at a higher state.
So even though they aren't eager to issue  apologies, even though they judged me and gossiped about me in the past,  even though they may not consider the repercussions of their comments  and behaviours ? each moment of disappointment I feel is actually an  opportunity for me to just accept them, as is, for who they are.

*Because when I do that, I open the door for them to be generous enough to do the same for me.*


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