# I have been thinking!



## ejh7070

well I been thinking with all the matters that give me depression I am going to talk to a psychologist or someone in that field.  I am going to ask them to put me in the hospital so I can get fixed.

I am going to give it a few days for thought on the topic and see what the person I am in contact with will do for me.

Thank you for reading.


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## Retired

Edward,

You are making a good choice, so that you can be evaluated by a competent mental health professional who can properly diagnose you and offer treatment options that can allow you to take back control of your life.

Recalling your situation from your previous post, what resource in your area do you plan to use to be seen by someone?

Do keep us posted on your progress.


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## ejh7070

well right now I am in contact with someone who is psychologist I believe.  Or counselor I will have an answer of what will be going on by wed and if I do go in I will probably go in around Friday or sat not sure though on that must think if over.


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## Always Changing

What happened with this person you were in contact with regarding your depression?


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## ejh7070

He referred me to someone i am not able to get to


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## Always Changing

That's unfortunate, .    
Have you been to your GP?  can he refer you to anyone\anywhere else?  and there is always the E.R. if you feel you are reaching desperation point, it might be possible to see someone there from their psychiatric dept.  Do you think that this might be an option you could explore maybe?


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## ejh7070

Always Changing said:


> *That's unfortunate, .
> Have you been to your GP?  can he refer you to anyone\anywhere else?  and there is always the E.R. if you feel you are reaching desperation point, it might be possible to see someone there from their psychiatric dept.  Do you think that this might be an option you could explore maybe?*


 
@Always Changing I am not sure what you mean with "GP" I have thought of going to the E.R.  And thought uf being hospitlized 
I am close to boiling point though.


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## Daniel

GP = General Practitioner (family doctor)

Until you can see a therapist, you may benefit from free online CBT software, e.g. 

e-couch: Free help for anxiety and depression

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/cognitive-behavior-therapy-cbt/23201-links-to-online-cbt-resources.html

Excerpts from MoodGym


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## ejh7070

Daniel said:


> GP = General Practitioner (family doctor)
> 
> Until you can see a therapist, you may benefit from free online CBT software, e.g.
> 
> e-couch: Free help for anxiety and depression
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/cognitive-behavior-therapy-cbt/23201-links-to-online-cbt-resources.html
> 
> Excerpts from MoodGym



thank you Daniel I will look them over.  I do though wish to be hospitalized though not sure why but I do wish it.


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## Banned

There have been some interesting case studies on people who have been hospitalized with mental health issues.  The responses of course vary as everyone is unique and each person's hospitalizations were slightly different.  I used to long to be hospitalized too, so I can understand where you're coming from.  The thought of "escaping" from everyone and everything can be really alluring.  Somehow we think all of our problems will just go away.  The reality is, if you are hospitalized you are most likely to have to face your demons at that point.  It's not a bad thing but the goal is to get you functioning in the world and standing on your own two feet, so it's not a long term solution.  When you come back to the "real world", your problems will still be here, but you may have some new insights or tools to deal with them.

I used to think that a "good" life would be one free of problems or pain or depression or anything else.  I'm slowly learning that a "good life" is one where those things will probably still occur, but now I have the tools to deal with them and not let them take over.  It can be easy to idealize the perfect life when we're down so I would encourage you to be careful with that.  It can be really easy, and really tempting to think "if only I had more money, a better job, a bigger house, lived in a different city, had more friends, my life would be so much better".  While most, if not all of those things are certainly attainable, or controllable, we can spend our whole lives chasing what we think will make us happier, and along the way miss out on happiness itself because it's not those things that will ultimately relieve our depression or problems, but rather life skills and coping methods we can develop in the here and now regardless of the external variables.

That's kind of a long blurb, but the point is basically don't become so fixated on wanting to be in the hospital that you stop working for yourself now.  Focus on now, today, and ask yourself what you can do, however small, to make a difference, or a change in your situation this minute.  It might be taking time to smile.  Making a phone call.  Taking a walk.  Eating an apple.  The little things all add up - it's not always the big things (like hospitalization).

Sorry if this is confusing - hopefully it makes sense to someone besides me .


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## ejh7070

Turtle said:


> There have been some interesting case studies on people who have been hospitalized with mental health issues.  The responses of course vary as everyone is unique and each person's hospitalizations were slightly different.  I used to long to be hospitalized too, so I can understand where you're coming from.  The thought of "escaping" from everyone and everything can be really alluring.  Somehow we think all of our problems will just go away.  The reality is, if you are hospitalized you are most likely to have to face your demons at that point.  It's not a bad thing but the goal is to get you functioning in the world and standing on your own two feet, so it's not a long term solution.  When you come back to the "real world", your problems will still be here, but you may have some new insights or tools to deal with them.
> 
> I used to think that a "good" life would be one free of problems or pain or depression or anything else.  I'm slowly learning that a "good life" is one where those things will probably still occur, but now I have the tools to deal with them and not let them take over.  It can be easy to idealize the perfect life when we're down so I would encourage you to be careful with that.  It can be really easy, and really tempting to think "if only I had more money, a better job, a bigger house, lived in a different city, had more friends, my life would be so much better".  While most, if not all of those things are certainly attainable, or controllable, we can spend our whole lives chasing what we think will make us happier, and along the way miss out on happiness itself because it's not those things that will ultimately relieve our depression or problems, but rather life skills and coping methods we can develop in the here and now regardless of the external variables.
> 
> That's kind of a long blurb, but the point is basically don't become so fixated on wanting to be in the hospital that you stop working for yourself now.  Focus on now, today, and ask yourself what you can do, however small, to make a difference, or a change in your situation this minute.  It might be taking time to smile.  Making a phone call.  Taking a walk.  Eating an apple.  The little things all add up - it's not always the big things (like hospitalization).
> 
> Sorry if this is confusing - hopefully it makes sense to someone besides me .



Thank you again Turtle.  Though it is not confusing,  I do understand what your talking about but I do believe I can get better help if in hospital.
For me though it is about the money but not all about the money it has to do about alot of other things having issues with my body not being able to afford things as simple as going to dentist or eye doc to get my eyes fix my problem with my bowels.

there is so much on my shoulders.


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## Banned

I hear you.  When we're not up to par physically, it affects us mentally.  When we're not up to par mentally, it affects us physically.  And the reality is that doctors and dentists cost money.  I hope you can find some affordable health care to get you on the path to healing.


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## Daniel

> it has to do about alot of other things having issues with my body



That may actually have more to do with your isolation than anything else, e.g. people can become unduly obsessive about IBS-like symptoms.  (From a CBT perspective, these people are awfulizing, and those negative, anxious beliefs lead to avoidance.)  Did you have those symptoms to the same degree when you were working outside of the home?


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## Banned

To speak further to Daniel's post above, I used to have pretty severe IBS symptoms.  They were related to stress.  Stress leads to isolation, and vice-versa.  I'm kind of obsessed about isolation in depressed people, because it is so debillitating, and one of the worst things we can do.  

When my stress is down, my IBS is non-existant.  If my stress peaks severely, I have to be very careful.  So yes - Daniel is bang on the money.


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## ejh7070

Yes Daniel I do have issue's with IBS or bowel issues even when I was at work.  And for Turtle I live with my mom and stepdad and to get to town it takes about 15 min to get there and I have walked it and it took me 3 hours to do the same.

So isolated I am since not able to get where I need to get to.


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## Banned

Do you have access to borrow their vehicle?  Is there a bus that goes by your house?


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## ejh7070

No bus and one vehicle at this time the other needs fixing and stepdad uses his leaves in the morning before I wake up.


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## Banned

Do you have a friend you could call?  Can you carpool with someone?  Some communities have volunteers who will bring isolated people in to town once a week or something...


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## ejh7070

I have a friend here but if I go with him I would be up at 5am and wont get back until after 7pm so not possible at this time.


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## Banned

Can you get a bicycle?  Skate-board?  Roller-blades?


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## ejh7070

Well the 3 above is out since the roads here are very bad people drive crazy here.  When I walked to town the one time I almost got hit like 3 times so none of those would work.


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## Daniel

> stepdad uses his leaves in the morning before I wake up.



Does he go someplace where you could possibly, eventually get a job in the area?  Even a volunteer job can help one's resume.


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## ejh7070

Daniel said:


> Does he go someplace where you could possibly, eventually get a job in the area?  Even a volunteer job can help one's resume.



I have apps out in most places in town.  Just no one is hiring that is one of the reasons I am depressed.


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## Banned

Have you had someone help you polish your resume? I don't know about your background or experience but as an employer, the little things can make a big difference as to whether you get an interview or not. If you haven't had any call-backs, perhaps check with someone (many towns have employment assistance offices) to see if there's anything you can do differently to increase your odds in a tough job market.

Another thing you can do is follow up with the companies where you dropped off your resume. Confirm the right person received it and don't be afraid to be blunt in asking for an interview. You'd be amazed at what those little gestures can do.


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## ejh7070

Turtle said:


> Have you had someone help you polish your resume? I don't know about your background or experience but as an employer, the little things can make a big difference as to whether you get an interview or not. If you haven't had any call-backs, perhaps check with someone (many towns have employment assistance offices) to see if there's anything you can do differently to increase your odds in a tough job market.
> 
> Another thing you can do is follow up with the companies where you dropped off your resume. Confirm the right person received it and don't be afraid to be blunt in asking for an interview. You'd be amazed at what those little gestures can do.



I lost my resume on my computer do to a virus and I have called back no one is hiring at this time.


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## Banned

Ok.  So you definitely do have options - your hands are not tied.  You could get a bicycle, ride to town during a less busy period when the roads are safer, use a public library to redo your resume, get some volunteer work that may lead to a paying job or at least will give you transferrable skills.  

You have lots of options - you just have to be creative but they are there.  That's awesome - I hope you can find it in yourself to explore some of them.  Of course not all of them will work out, but at least then you know and will probably meet some people and learn something in the process.  And that's what life is about - exploring options and learning "stuff".  Yay!


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## ejh7070

Turtle said:


> Ok.  So you definitely do have options - your hands are not tied.  You could get a bicycle, ride to town during a less busy period when the roads are safer, use a public library to redo your resume, get some volunteer work that may lead to a paying job or at least will give you transferrable skills.
> 
> You have lots of options - you just have to be creative but they are there.  That's awesome - I hope you can find it in yourself to explore some of them.  Of course not all of them will work out, but at least then you know and will probably meet some people and learn something in the process.  And that's what life is about - exploring options and learning "stuff".  Yay!



That wont work since I am not good at doing resumes and I will never ride a bike to town.  Nor do I have a bike to ride.  And not really into volunteering at this time.  Thanks for the thoughts.


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## Banned

Ok but you're missing my point - you do have options.  Whether or not you choose to exercise them, or find alternative ones is up to you.  But there are options.  I live close enough to work to walk so I have the option to walk and get some exercise and fresh air.  I choose not to because I usually sleep in late and there aren't sidewalks the whole way and it would take me 25 minutes etc etc etc.  So I can say it's totally unrealistic for me to walk but the reality exists that technically, walking is an option.

You're not good at doing resumes - lots of people aren't.  So, your options might be a) just don't do one, b) get someone else to help you, c) apply at places where they have application forms instead of resumes, d) learn to get good at them.  Options are there.  You are choosing to do nothing which is fine but recognize that it's one of many options.

That's my point - options exist everywhere - search them out and decide what you want to do or what you must do.  When it comes to overcoming depression, there are lots of things we must do, whether or not we want to.  I don't want to take meds, but I must.  I will get seriously ill if I don't.  I don't want to change my thinking when I'm depressed and pissy, but I must, or it will consume me.  Etc...

The beautiful thing about life is we all have free will to do whatever the heck we want.  Sometimes consequences come from others, often they come from ourselves and we end up being our own worst enemy.  

I've been where you are and I really hope that in time you can move past this to be in a place where you are happy and can see your world a little bit differently and more optimistically.  It's not always easy, but it's definitely possible with time and hard work.


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## Daniel

Similarly:



> *Develop a daily plan of action. *Just because your prior job ended doesn’t mean you don’t have a current job. Your current job is looking for a job. Dedicate a couple of hours each day to your job search. This can include looking at ads, contacting people who are potential leads in a network of people in your field, and asking for more leads to contact. You can expect that there will be lots of dead-ends, but –like sales—looking for a job takes persistence. You never know when a job opens up and you happen to be the person they are looking for.*
> 
> Don’t ruminate*. If you are like a lot of unemployed people you are spending too much time brooding and chewing over negative thoughts like, “Why me?”, “Will I ever find a job”, and “I can’t believe this has happened”. Unemployment is a natural condition of free market economies and it’s important to recognize that you didn’t make the economy work the way it is not working now. When you start ruminating ask yourself, “Is there any productive action that this will lead to?” If not, then plan some productive action aimed toward another goal—for example, having fun, acquiring new skills, socializing, exercising, etc.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/mental-h...ps-to-handling-your-unemployment-anxiety.html





> Many ruminators stay in their depressive rut because their negative outlook hurts their problem-solving ability...
> 
> "Even when a person prone to rumination comes up with a potential solution to a significant problem, the rumination itself may induce a level of uncertainty and immobilization that makes it hard for them to move forward."
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depression/20310-probing-the-depression-rumination-cycle.html




---------- Post added at 02:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 AM ----------




> And not really into volunteering at this time.



One of the good things about volunteering is that employers like hiring people who are currently working:  



> The long-term jobless now make up 45 percent of the unemployed...
> 
> "Six months is the magic time period where a resume will go right in the trash, even if it's a fantastic candidate."
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/mental-health-in-the-workplace-and-on-campus/24687-dont-let-a-resume-gap-keep-you-jobless.html


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## Banned

Keeping skills and knowledge current and something on the resume is really crucial. When I'm weeding through resumes and there's a large gap with no explanation, then I can only assume it's not for a good reason. Were you in jail? (I've actually had that one happen with a candidate!). Were you so ill you couldn't work and if so what has changed that you can work now? Were you unemployable? I don't believe anyone is truly unemployable unless they choose to be. And the biggest question I ask myself is "why are they applying here?". If they are just desperate for any job they are not going to get an interview. If they spend a moment telling me about what it is that drew them to apply to my store then I have a good idea and in increases their chances of getting an interview. If they speak personally with me it increases their chances. If it looks like they put time and effort into applying for this position it increases their chances.

None of this is really rocket science but yet it's the small details that frequently get overlooked and definitely make a difference.

Those resume gaps really need to be handled professionally though. Thanks for posting that, Daniel.


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## Always Changing

What about organising a day where you make a list of the things you need to do in the town, organising with step dad to go with him and drop him off, you take car to do whatever and then later go back to pick step dad up.???  I do know its an early rise for you, but its not impossible and it would have the benefit of getting you town etc etc.    Just another option to consider maybe.


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## ejh7070

Turtle said:


> Keeping skills and knowledge current and something on the resume is really crucial. When I'm weeding through resumes and there's a large gap with no explanation, then I can only assume it's not for a good reason. Were you in jail? (I've actually had that one happen with a candidate!). Were you so ill you couldn't work and if so what has changed that you can work now? Were you unemployable? I don't believe anyone is truly unemployable unless they choose to be. And the biggest question I ask myself is "why are they applying here?". If they are just desperate for any job they are not going to get an interview. If they spend a moment telling me about what it is that drew them to apply to my store then I have a good idea and in increases their chances of getting an interview. If they speak personally with me it increases their chances. If it looks like they put time and effort into applying for this position it increases their chances.
> 
> None of this is really rocket science but yet it's the small details that frequently get overlooked and definitely make a difference.
> 
> Those resume gaps really need to be handled professionally though. Thanks for posting that, Daniel.



Thank you turtle. see for most retails stores there is no place to add a resume like walmart and Kmart there is no upload a resume area.  I am not sure why they do not have that option but they don't.

---------- Post added at 12:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:28 PM ----------




Always Changing said:


> What about organising a day where you make a list of the things you need to do in the town, organising with step dad to go with him and drop him off, you take car to do whatever and then later go back to pick step dad up.???  I do know its an early rise for you, but its not impossible and it would have the benefit of getting you town etc etc.    Just another option to consider maybe.



Thank you Always changing the problem with this is I have poor eye sight another one of my depressed area's I do have a drivers lic but I choose not to drive because my eyes are bad.  So sorry to say that organizing a day to do things out in town wont work plus we are low on gas and not alot of money for it.


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## Daniel

> I have poor eye sight



I would suggest contacting the local Lion's Club if the problem is monetary:

Eye Exam - How to Afford an Eye Exam


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## ejh7070

I never heard of the lions club!


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## Daniel

Yeah, my dad is a member. I don't recount anyone's application ever being denied.  Then they pre-approve payment with the local optometrist that they work with.


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## ejh7070

@Daniel I went to the site you suggested and when I clicked on lions club it brought me to an error page.  Not sure if there site is down but the link did not work.  I even googled the name lions club international and same thing happen.


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## Daniel

Did you try the home page?

http://www.lionsclubs.org/


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## ejh7070

Thank you but I could not find one in my local area.


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## Daniel

Contact your local chamber of commerce for the nearest one.

Lions Clubs are pretty much everywhere, so it may be that you have one close by but have problems finding it at their website.


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## ejh7070

I will look into it.


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## Daniel

You may also have luck searching Google, such as using the name of your county or zip code.


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## ejh7070

Thank you for your help Daniel.  I am good at searching on Google.


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## Daniel

Yeah, the possibilities are pretty much endless with Google.  You could do a Google site search of your local newspaper's website.

For example, for the _Miami Herald_:

site:miamiherald.com lions club - Google Search

---------- Post added at 01:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:33 PM ----------

In case you missed this -- it lists every single one in your state alphabetically:

Lions/Leo Club Locator


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## ejh7070

I did not see that part I did see my town in there thank you for showing me that.  

Though I emailed that counselor again I asked him how I can be hospitalized did not get a response yet.


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## Daniel

Hospitalization is not what it used to be.  Decades ago, some psych hospitals were more like retreats, with martial arts classes, art therapy, and even gardening.  Those days are gone since almost everything is outpatient now, largely due to the availability of antipsychotic medications for disorders like schizophrenia.      

Basically, the only way to be hospitalized now for something like depression or anxiety is to be suicidal.   And then, once you are there, the goal is to get you out ASAP, even within 24 hours.   It costs the taxpayers or the insurance companies often over $1,000 a day.  So that's why they are motivated to keep people out unless they absolutely need to be there.   

If you cannot afford to see a doctor, I guess your best bet in the very short term is the E.R. in the hopes of getting a generic prescription for a SSRI that will cost you $4 - $10 at Walmart or Walgreens.  But I don't know for sure if doctors at the E.R. usually give such prescriptions rather than just refer the person to somewhere else.   You may be able to get information by calling the E.R.

Have you looked into applying for Medicaid?


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## ejh7070

Not sure if I can get medicaid


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## Daniel

It seems you would benefit from having a social worker of some sort.  Maybe the United Way (211.org) can help you out in that regard, in addition to helping you get mental health counseling and other resources.


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## ejh7070

I will look into it but I think staying in the hospital for a bit would benefit me some.  also could help with some other issues like my bowel problem and such.


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## Daniel

You can always get information by calling near-by hospitals and asking to speak to their intake department for the psych unit.   Unfortunately, that may be like getting cold water splashed on your face, especially since you do not have any form of insurance.

Another way to get information about resources may be to call a local crisis hotline.   Calling the suicide prevention hotline is one way to get routed to such hotlines.  But I'm guessing you may have better luck with the United Way if you don't live in a city since there are only 150+ local crisis hotlines nationally.

In any case, you can always the call the suicide prevention hotline if you are in emotional distress (not necessarily suicidal):

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Most people who call are not suicidal.


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## ejh7070

I have been in the past suicidal but I do not think my depression is that bad.  even though if I do tell them that I know I will be put in the hospital for about 48 hours or so.


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## Daniel

> could help with some other issues like my bowel problem and such.



Your IBS-like symptoms, combined with your related anxiety/depression, may be a good enough reason to get a SSRI from an E.R.   I believe, however, that going to a E.R. will affect your credit rating eventually since the resulting bill for being seen in a E.R. -- even if they don't do anything for you except see you -- is basically an expensive, unpaid bill that will be sent to collections.

The same is true with hospitalization. Even if you can find a community-based behavioral healthcare center that offers psych hospitalization without needing to pay upfront, they will still bill you.  (But my guess is they will probably be less likely than the E.R. to send the bill to collections.)

BTW, one of my psychiatrists once said that exercise is the "poor-man's antidepressant."  So exercising more intensely or frequently can help with anxiety, depression, etc.


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## ejh7070

Daniel said:


> Your IBS-like symptoms, combined with your depression/anxiety, may be a good enough reason to get a SSRI from an E.R.   I believe, however, that going to a E.R. will affect your credit rating eventually since the resulting bill for being seen in a E.R. -- even if they don't do anything for you except see you -- is basically an expensive, unpaid bill that will be sent to collections.
> 
> The same is true with hospitalization. Even if you can find a community-based behavioral healthcare center that offers psych hospitalization without needing to pay upfront, they will still bill you.  (But my guess is they will probably be less likely than the E.R. to send the bill to collections.)



My credit is shot already so going there would not effect me.  Not sure what you mean about SSRI though


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## Daniel

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Prozac, for example, is a SSRI.


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## ejh7070

Why would they put someone on SSRI if one of the side effects is risk of suicide?  That would not make sense.


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## Daniel

That has primarily to do with correlation rather than causation -- people who are depressed tend to think of suicide.  The suicide rate went down (not up) when Prozac was first released.

There's also articles in the forum saying that such concerns are not well-founded.


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## ejh7070

Daniel said:


> That has primarily to do with correlation rather than causation -- people who are depressed tend to think of suicide.  The suicide rate went down (not up) when Prozac was first released.



oh  well I am going to think it over to Friday or sat maybe sooner about getting hospitalized.  Maybe though if I am in the hospital they can get me medicaid and other help.


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## Daniel

For a mental health disorder, the only real chance most adults have of getting Medicaid is applying for the federal Social Security Disability program, which is a lengthy process that can easily take a year since most people are initially denied.  The earliest time to get a decision is measured in months.


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## ejh7070

I was once on SSDI and medicad but I got off of it.  now this depression is move up


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## David Baxter PhD

ejh7070 said:


> I will look into it but I think staying in the hospital for a bit would benefit me some. also could help with some other issues like my bowel problem and such.



But the reality is, as Daniel has been trying to explain, that is unlikely to happen.


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## Daniel

> I was once on SSDI and medicad but I got off of it. now this depression is move up



Well, the decision to re-apply for SSDI benefits mostly depends on your prognosis, your age, your work history, etc.      At the age of 39, you are still considered relatively young and therefore more able to work.    You can talk to a SSDI lawyer for a free consult, who would probably advise that you apply ASAP and see a psychiatrist regularly.

In any case, whether you try to go back to work sooner or later, you will want to get some outpatient mental health services.


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## David Baxter PhD

ejh7070 said:


> Why would they put someone on SSRI if one of the side effects is risk of suicide? That would not make sense.





Daniel said:


> That has primarily to do with correlation rather than causation -- people who are depressed tend to think of suicide. The suicide rate went down (not up) when Prozac was first released.
> 
> There's also articles in the forum saying that such concerns are not well-founded.



Again, Daniel is correct. We have an entire subforum devoted to this issue at Suicide Risk with SSRIs and Other Medications 

To summarize, there was never any real evidence that SSRIs "caused" people to become suicidal.


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## Banned

Let's pretend hospitalization is not an option because realistically it doesn't happen just because you want it to.  We've thrown out dozens of suggestions or options which are not feasible for you, so what can *you* do to improve your situation without being in the hospital?  Can you come up with an action plan that will make things better for you?


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## ejh7070

Turtle said:


> Let's pretend hospitalization is not an option because realistically it doesn't happen just because you want it to.  We've thrown out dozens of suggestions or options which are not feasible for you, so what can *you* do to improve your situation without being in the hospital?  Can you come up with an action plan that will make things better for you?



Not sure about the action plan.  See if I had a job even at walmart which pays so little.  I am still in a bind.  It seems that the cost of living in my area alone.  Not talking about the country of the usa.  which is bad all over.  But just here.  I would need a job that pays at least $15 an hour just to get an apartment.  So I could live the right way.  I do not really care about tangible things I do like to read my books and also watch movies and have tv time.  but when it comes down to it those cost money.  Rent is sky high these days the cost to own a car is like out there since well gas has gone up so far people are left to walk to work and do other things.

Also I would have liked to go back to school and get a degree so I can have a better life.  But then there is the cost of going to school.

all of those and more of what I have is depressing me to no end.  I owe out to a loan company for higer education so I am not able to get a student loan.

my credit score is so low I would not be able to get a loan for anything so there is another depressing thing.

I do thank you turtle I just do not know where to go.

---------- Post added at 12:47 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:43 AM ----------

I also do thank you for your thoughts on the matter and also your inspiration to help me through this.


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## Banned

I've totally been in your situation, and in a sense I still am in many ways so I do understand. You do have a few things going for you - you live with your mom and step-dad which definitely helps. Rent split three ways is cheaper than one way. You're right in that it is hard out there right now, with housing and employment - the economy stinks in many ways. When you add everything up, like you did, no wonder it feels so overwhelming. Eighteen to twelve months ago I was over $100,000 in personal debt (credit card), had another $190,000 in business debt, no education, hated running my business, and really could not see an out to save my life, just like you. My credit sucked, I had no money, living at home not paying rent or anything. I felt like crap and was very suicidal. I just could not take another minute or another day. And I couldn't afford therapy or meds or anything. I was done.

But, I knew I didn't want to feel like this forever and I'd have to figure something out, and fast. I managed to remortgage my house to get rid of the lingering credit card debt that I didn't have a prayer of paying. I am (still) trying to sell my business but in the interim I'll do what I have to do. My credit is on the mend because I'm living on cash now. I got a job that has EFAP (Employee and Family Assistance Program) so if I need access to counselling, I have it, free of charge. I got a job doing something I love. I'm paying rent, taking my meds, and haven't been suicidal in about seven months and am finally at a place where I feel happy and hopeful.  I also managed to scrounge up enough money to take a short college course that will give me a certificate so I can get a really good career once I graduate - one that pays well and is in high demand.

So, maybe the first step for you is to find a doctor who can help you get on anti-depressants. From there, you can start doing little things to create a better future. I know you mentioned about being able to afford them - do you belong to a church that could help you? Can your parents help you? There are generic anti-depressants that are just as effective and as Daniel mentioned getting them filled somewhere like Walgreens will help. You said you don't know if you'd qualify for Medi-caid (or whatever it is in the U.S) so can you do some solid research to find out what you can get? Start the process...

I don't mean to sound harsh so please don't take this the wrong way (I'm not always the best with words!) but it sounds like you want to pass the buck on your care to the hospital and that is why you are so determined to go there. Instead of making your problems someone else's, I think you really need to figure out what you can do to empower yourself to get better. I've learned that I can't rely on anybody but myself in this journey so I have to become my own advocate, as do you. That doesn't mean I can't use or access the tools that are out there, but ultimately it's up to me and I need to do what's in MY best interests...as do you.

If you can't afford meds and can't find anyone to help you, as Daniel said, exercise is truly the poor man's anti-depressant and maybe you can get a ride in to town one way and walk the other. 

I would just really encourage you to take and maintain control of your health and recovery, in conjunction with a good treatment team as you are able. When you get to the point where you can make decisions for yourself knowing you're making the right decision - well, it just feels awesome. But we have to get you there. And you have to want to do the work.


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## ejh7070

Thank you Turtle for that long statement. To brighten ones life. 

I do not even know where to begin on this. Not in a bad way or anything I just not sure what to say.

Well one thing is this I might live with mom and stepdad but they both are having there own issues. we live on 60 acres of land that my stepdads mom ownes. we have bills that we are not able to pay since my stepdad does not have work either he owns his own business which when he does get a job and if I am not working I am to help him but I do not get paid since he does not make much doing what he does.

walking to or from town is to much on me it is 12 miles one way and it hurts my legs. 

I did it once and I found out I do not wish to do it again. It would be good if I can get a place in town but of course lack of funding.

A car would be good if I could afford the insurance then I have opportunity's to find work in other towns close by

and possibly go to school again. I know there is money out there for college and such. 

I do not know what more to say.

Well not sure what else to say at this time I though would like to thank turtle and Daniel for there help


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## Banned

12 miles is definitely a long way to walk.  Maybe scratch that idea .  

An option might be to see if you can qualify for low-income housing in a bigger town where you have the ability to walk to work - doctor - whatever.  Can you qualify for social assistance if you were to rent a room in a bigger town?  Any money is better than no money.  Well, not *any* money - counterfeit is not better :lol:.

It sounds from what you've written that a lot is stemming from the fact that you live so far out with no vehicle.  So...can you address that issue by applying for social assistance and getting a room in town?


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## ejh7070

There is a place in town it would cost $60 for me to get in but I do not have a bed nor away to pay for electric or cable for the tv I know tv is not important but it helps keep me not thinking about things i should not be thinking about like depression.

And I would not know what to do if I did not have my computer and online activity. That keeps the brain moving to.


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## greenstarz

You should try looking up Job and Family Services Dept for the state you live in, a lot of times you can apply for benefits---not just healthcare (medicaid), but housing and food assistance, utility assistance, transportation assistance, etc---online.  at least in my state you can do that.  Also, have you thought about applying for the Pell Grant for school.  It's a Grant---which you don't have to pay back---and it's based on low income.  Just some ideas...


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## ejh7070

greenstarz said:


> You should try looking up Job and Family Services Dept for the state you live in, a lot of times you can apply for benefits---not just healthcare (medicaid), but housing and food assistance, utility assistance, transportation assistance, etc---online.  at least in my state you can do that.  Also, have you thought about applying for the Pell Grant for school.  It's a Grant---which you don't have to pay back---and it's based on low income.  Just some ideas...



Thank you Greenstarz  I have gotten a pell grant once before and it was only for $700 the rest of the bill I had to pay by myself though i did get a loan from sallie mae foundation for the rest of the bill I though did not continue the course and well now I am paying for something that is not benefiting me.

and for the other stuff my food is taken care of not sure on the other stuff I will have to look into that.

Thank you again


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## Banned

I slept on the floor for years, but I think I'd die without my internet.  If I had to choose between a bed or the internet, I'd take the internet.  Sad but true.


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## Daniel

Did you apply for night-time positions as well? e.g. Walmart does a lot of stocking at night.  Though shift work isn't exactly great for depression, a night shift would allow you more flexibility with regards to borrowing the car.

In any case, you have said that you are not able to drive now anyway because of your eyesight, so I would suggest working on that first, especially since it could require a few weeks of waiting (maybe even longer).   That way, you can drive yourself to the resources in your community, such as those that may be provided by the United Way.

---------- Post added at 11:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:03 AM ----------

BTW, for links to more resources:

Disability.gov


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## ejh7070

Daniel said:


> Did you apply for night-time positions as well? e.g. Walmart does a lot of stocking at night.  Though shift work isn't exactly great for depression, a night shift would allow you more flexibility with regards to borrowing the car.
> 
> In any case, you have said that you are not able to drive now anyway because of your eyesight, so I would suggest working on that first, especially since it could require a few weeks of waiting (maybe even longer).   That way, you can drive yourself to the resources in your community, such as those that may be provided by the United Way.
> 
> ---------- Post added at 11:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:03 AM ----------
> 
> BTW, for links to more resources:
> 
> Disability.gov



Thank you Daniel.  They would not let me borrow the van I also can not drive the stepdads van do to the way the seat is broken

I could put in for over night but I would have to get there before 9 my stepdad is not allowed out after 10pm so it stinks.

I am going to make some calls today to see if I can get in.

Thank you again.


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