# I'm out



## Cin (Dec 5, 2005)

8 days ago my mum kicked me out. She had opeed my bank statement, saw that i had gone into and over my overdraft, and then went to my wardrobe and found half a bottle of vodka. (Let me explain before i go on, that the vodka was there for a club i go to that you can take your drinks in with you. so its cheaper for me.PLUS i cant even finish a pint. And that vodka had been there for about three months. because i was too lazy to mix my drinks and take it in. Therefore resulting in me spening money on they overpriced drinks in that club.) On the saturday morning she woke me up at 7.30am and asked me if i had spoken to the bank, i said no. then she went into one of her venting sessions (that i could not make out propely because i was still half asleep), saying that she was fed up of me, and what i was doing, and my lying (what lying??) and she has tried to help me and shes fed up. And that she wants me out with all my things by the time she comes back from work the next day. And that she is changing the locks, so i should not say that i have forgotten something, because i wont get it. Also she wants no contact.She fed up.

So, i went to work that morning. My friend Bennet (Bee) bursts into the canteen, as she does, singing my name and i just give her one look, burst into tears and turn into a babbling wreck expalining what happened. She offers to move into hers. We go and tell my manager who let me go 4hrs early to go and pack my things, and ring my stepdad (who is divorced of my mum but visits my little sister every saturday, so, me and him are on good terms) to help me move that evening into Bee's room. 
The next day i was on the phone to my friend Jonny who has a spare room for rent until new years eve. I decided to move there and pay, because i felt guilty living under my bee's feet for free; since she would not let me pay her.Plus she is someone who i pay everything for her, because i love her so much, and i realised that if i did stay there i wouldnt be able to stopping sharing my money on her in such a manner.And that i now actually dont have money. So, i moved half of my things into Jonnys (because its only until new years - someone is booked to rent tht room from that day) and paid his mother money for the month; which was very cheap.
I went to my university on the monday and told them of my situation, and they have told me to apply for halls of residence, but for some reason i will not get priority over anyone else. Also if i apply it is not gaurenteed that i will get halls because iam applying so late. And the move-in date for halls would be the 18th/20th of january. Therefore, when i move out of Jonny's , I will move into Bennet's until that time. If i do not get halls i would have to search for somewhere else to stay. 

5 days after mum kicked me out she  called me and asked me to come  see her, i went to see her and we spoke. She started by saying that everyone was laughing at us (presumably family who she has told). I asked why and she said it was because she has failed as a mother. I said no, im still alive. Then she went on to say that i dont see things, if someone is telling me that there is a cliff ahead i carry n going instead of taking the advice. I said that sometimes i maybe need to fid out for myself, despite being told. She asked me why i do not take her advice, i said that its not tat i dont take it, its that i dont bother to look after myself. i dont care about or like myself enough to change (into what she wants for me/wants me to be). She then said where did we go wrong, and that it was trust and why do i not trust her. Her bottom line was that i should move back in, because she was upset and angry when she threw me out. I said no. I said that i think we would be able to build a relationship from a distance. She said ok. And i left.

Again i spoke to her last night on the phone this time. She said that she doesnt care where iam, whether im here or in Canada. Its just she does not want me to be "out there" and get "ill". She doesnt want to see me looking gaunt and scruffy and doing "abnormal" things. I said to her when iam looking like that and am doing "abnormal" (abnormal!?) things that is when iam down and feel depressed. (so im guessing thats what she means by ill) She said that when she sees me ill she gets angry because she does not want to see me like that, and that i need someone to push me back to being "normal" again. I said to her if that is the case then "normal" to you is when im happy. She said to me that when i get ill i "have a mother" and that i should come home. Because when im ill i dont know what im doing, and that i even sleepwalk. I agreed that when im "ill" i dont know what im doing. I told her i would come see her this sunday. And the conversation ended.

Since i spoke to my mum for the first time away from home, i havent  stopped feeling guilty about saying no to her offer. I feel she needs me, i feel shes frail and old (shes only 52) and needs my financial support (for the house that she constantly reminds me, is an investment for me.) Still i feel that we would get on better from this distance. And hopefully i can see her as a friend rather than an monster that shouts and speaks her mind of you constantly. She disagrees that the relationship would get better with me out of the house, because its me that has the problem. Its her worrying about me and what i do apprently. 
To me, if what she is sayng is true, that the only reason why we clash is because of her thinking iam "going down a wrong path" and being "ill". Then it sounds as if ive got myself into a viscious cycle of her being angry and chucking me out all the time and threatining me with empty comments, which i have believed to be true for over 10yrs. Which in turn makes me feel more depressed and terrible about myself and my role as a daughter. 
I feel compelled to go back but i dont want to. I feel that nothing will change. Mum says that it doesnt matter where iam, its me that needs to change, its not her that has the problem. When i find out "the root of my problem and change, that is when we will get on better. Of course iam going to shout if your acting abnormal, and walking around with your hair and clothes all scruffy. When you are ill you have a mother, come home.".


I feel guilty, i can't sleep, im STILL not attending lectures in university, and i have not self harmed in 6months. Im suprised how well im taking this. But i have a feeling the ball is about to drop at some point, im just in shock. I feel down, but where iam living now the house is never empty. It feels so weird to go to mums house and then leave again, going back to another house.
I don't know whether i should go home and be by my mother's side and support her like a good and "normal"  child/person would do in the African culture. My mum is not strictly African cultured (even though she has had a strict upbrining, as she doesnt stop reminding me), and has never tried to impose it on me as badly as i see with other families, but i know she has that mentality, and that this being away from home business is not normal in her culture, but somewhere in her head i hope she rembers i was born and brought up here, not in Africa.

Thank you for taking time to read this.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 6, 2005)

As traumatic as all this is for you, Cin, it may well be the best thing that's happened in a while. Your mother holds you responsible for too many things in her life and that holds you back from caring for yourself. She adds a lot of stress and drama to your life at a time when you are trying to focus on other things. My guess is you have a better chance of an adult relationship with her from a distance, as you yourself told her.

I also wonder whether her change of heart isn't suddenly because she remembered she "needs" your financial contribution. If that's the case, remember that despite what she tells you, you are not her only option in that regard.


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## Cin (Dec 6, 2005)

I hope thats not the reason why she asked me back.I really do. I wish i could say she does not and she cares because im her child and she doesnt want anything bad to happen to me. But I can't say, from where im standing i can't see anything right now. 
Iam her only option. she has used every other means. And even im not enough to help her..

I hope this does bring us closer together. I really appreciate it that you stuck to your guns to put me on the right tracks David, no mater how stubborn and blind I am. Thank you.


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## Eunoia (Dec 7, 2005)

hi cin... to me it sounds like a lot of these problems are also about your mom wanting to be a "successful" mother, a "good mother" so to say... her entire life is wrapped up in yours, and by saying things like her house if a future investment for you, I wonder whether she's living her life or trying to live yours. My parents have said things like that b/f too and what amazes me is that they don't understand that I don't want their $, I want my parents to accept me for who I am and be there for me when I need them. not some nice house or apartment etc. I guess this could be her wanting to show you she cares if you end up being the "nice" daughter (not "ill") or a way for her to kind of make sure that you know that you owe her something... sort of a sure way for her to make sure you'll stay in her life- not that you wouldn't otherwise but it could be a possibility (if she's 52 and you already feel obligated to take care of her..). either way, it's not really fair to use this against you... or to make you feel bad. I'm sure you didn't beg her to do this for you. 

The other problem is that she's saying that this is all you.... that you being "ill" is the problem and that as soon as you're "no longer ill" things will get better... _even_ if you have your share of problems to deal with she sure sounds like she's not helping them. You can't be "pushed" to becoming "normal" or "not ill".... a common fallacy my mother seems to hold too about my sister. Then when she fails in her efforts the bargaining starts and the guilt tripping and the blaming in regards to myself.  Not a fun cycle to be in. If you're already on your own now and can somehow try to manage, take this as an opportunity to reevaluate things, stand on your own two feet, and let her be your mother from a distance, not you her supporter or caretaker or scapegoat. You deal w/ your things, she deals w/ hers and in the end, if a relationship can develop, then that'd be the best case scenario but for now, you have to focus on your own life. good luck!


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## Cin (Dec 7, 2005)

I just went to see an uncle today, and he asked me what was going on, i relayed the story, then found out thatt he had spoken to my mum a few hrs before she called me up and asked me to come back home.
Later on today, ANOTHER uncle rang me and told me that mum was getting ill because she was worrying about me. Apparently she did not say this but it showed. She had said that she thought i would come back. He told me that mum's blood pressure could rise and do i want to be a catalyst for her stress and ill ealth. I told him that the reason I have stayed out is because me living there was making her ill. Me living there was raising her blood pressure and iam trying to prevent that. He told me he understood but starting going into the whole - "soometimes you need to play thier game, be under thier control so they feel you need them, she expected you to by crying and beg your way back, thats the way she works. But you didnt, WHEN you go back she will appreciate you more, because you have made your point that you do not want to be pressured by her. She will realise you are your own person. For now, stay out if you want but i think you should go home at some point."

Im sorry im just venting here. I feel so guilty already, now im hearing from someone else that she is ill mostly because of me...I so confused and just want the family to leave me alone for a while. I need to think, they say they are not pressurising me into anything but they are. I feel so bad about this. It sounds irrational i know, but now ive got it into my head that mum may die because of me. I feel like ive commited a crime, as if I was the one that has run away or something. I just want all this to stop. I just want to be better and for her to e better. I still don't want to go home, im too scared to, im sorry, i just need to get on with it dont i.[/u][/i]


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## ThatLady (Dec 7, 2005)

Cin, hon, you have to do what's best for you. Your mother is responsible for herself. As a mother I can tell you without question that I want my children to live their lives in ways that are best for them, not for me. Your uncles really need to stay out of this. It's your life, and you're the one who has to live it. You can't live it for your mother. You have to live it for you.

There's nothing for you to feel guilty about. Your mom's blood pressure problems aren't your fault. She needs to see her doctor and have her medication reviewed if her blood pressure is going up. You can't solve her problems, nor should you be expected to solve her problems.


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## Lana (Dec 7, 2005)

Hi Cin;
*big hugs to you*  I agree with everyone here, this is about you and for you, not for your mother and her financial support, nor for your uncles who are meddling because they cannot deal with it.  I so wish I could find the words to let you know that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, not a thing.  Don't do what others say you "should" do, do what you feel is right (and you're on the right track).  Hang in there, it will get easier.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 7, 2005)

I agree. If your uncle's are really all that worried, why don't they go and live with her? Frankly, it all sounds like a whole lot of manipulation and guilt-tripping to me. If your welfare is all that important to your mother, she might start by thinking about how she might treat you a little bit better than she has...


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## Cin (Dec 14, 2005)

Thank you, im slowly starting to realise that. I keep trying to remind myself, that I should start caring for myself and looking out for myself. Your right my uncle was trying to manipulate me into going, and it was slwoly working for a while, but my hut instinct is telling me to stay where iam and look after myself, without having to think too much about mum. Im trying...


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## ThatLady (Dec 14, 2005)

Good for you, Cin! It's always important to remember that if we're not in control of our own lives, we can be of no help to others. We can't allow ourselves to be manipulated, by selfish people, into thinking otherwise. It is not selfish, but prudent, to be sure we're okay before we branch out into trying to assist others to be okay.


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## Lana (Dec 15, 2005)

I (used to) love buying and reading books about behaviour.  I traded those in for textbooks   But, there was one that I read and found  insightful and with good suggestions on how to deal with manipulators, but more importantly, how to handle yourself and how not to fall into the trap.  It's an easy read and it does not favour manipulators.

Some of the comments that stuck with me were:
1) manipulators always look for a path with least resistance.
2) don't even try to change a manipulator, you can't.  but you can change how you react and deal with them"

The book is entitled  "Who's pulling your strings?: How to break the cycle of manipulation and regain control of your life" by Harriet Braiker.  I highly recommend it.


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## Cin (Jan 10, 2006)

Ive settled down where Iam, my friends' family are being really nice to me, im happy here.but lonely (i have that anyway so its not that different really).Im visiting my mum every week, and so far nothing has changed,- she will not look at me when talkign to me, she gives me one word answers and will not make conversation. But thats normal, im just getting frustrated how she seems not to want to cooperate. But..all in good time, as i keep telling myself. 
Recently i relapsed into self harming for a few days, but ive tried not to keep it regular. For some reason since then ive been feeling a little more relaxed in general- its like i know its going to be there for me when i need it. And im sure its wrong to think like this, but is it wrong to feel more relaxed in general after youve not done it for a long time?

Also, concerning the abuse, my psychologist has now decided to do the EMDR on me (after alot of hinting from my side), even thoguh he trys to scare me with how traumatic it can be.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 10, 2006)

Is your psychologist *trained* in EMDR? If not, he shouldn't be doing it himself.


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## Cin (Jan 11, 2006)

so far as i know, yes...then again i havent asked... (


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