# Boyfriend is angry at the world, now at me



## blueblue (Aug 31, 2013)

Hello Everyone,

I feel kinda crappy so I thought I'd share. My boyfriend is tricky. Has intimacy and anger issues. Problem is, I always seem to be failing him and I get caught up in his issues. For example, last night we went out and had a wonderful tiem at dinner. We went out for drinks after....too many by my count. At the bar, he was speaking aggressively to a couple who were from England because, I guess, the guy was somehow leaning on him physically. He was complaining about their accent and .... actually, I'm not sure what else because I started talking to the guy next to me about whatever. I heard my boyfriend calling me and telling me that it was time to leave, so I got up with him. Then, somehow, on our way out I ended up talking for a few minutes to the woman in the couple that my boyfriend had been heckling or whatever. My boyfriend left the bar. When I met him outside, he was livid. Apparently he had gotten into a fight with them and was exiting. He said he was humiliated by my staying to chat with the woman. All this was completely lost on me. He yelled at me the whole way home, telling me that all I had confided in him that night was bullshit, and that I humiliated him, and when I said that I had no idea what was going on, he told me I should have been more aware. He ended the night yelling about how he had really liked me but that I had let him down. As I was leaving he was ranting that he was going to spend the rest of his life alone, that he didn't have any friends, only acquaintances. I was crying by the time I left him. I told him that in pushing me away he was choosing anger over love.

Should I have been more aware and in tune with what was going on at the bar?

Is he pushing me away because he doesn't want to stay with me and he's using this as an exit?

Should I tell him to go to hell the next time I talk to him? Or should I embrace him?

Thanks for being there,

Blueblue


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 31, 2013)

> As I was leaving he was ranting that he was going to spend the rest of  his life alone, that he didn't have any friends, only acquaintances.



And I bet he can't understand why he doesn't have any friends... 

First and foremost, none of this has anything to do with you - these are his issues and I have to say the first thing you need to be doing is asking yourself why you put up with any of that. If you think you're going to change him, you're misguided. The only person  who can change him is himself and as longs as he can blame other people for his own boorish behavior he has no incentive to make any changes in his own behavior.

If you believe you want to stay in this relationship (it's hard to understand why), you need to be very clear about what you want, and what you deserve, and lay down some clear boundaries about what you are willing to tolerate and what you will not tolerate.


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## blueblue (Aug 31, 2013)

Shouldn't I have been more tuned in to him and what was going on with him than all the other peripheral stuff going on at the bar?

If he likes me, why would he treat me this way? Why would he push me away like this if he didn't want to get rid of me for some reason?


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## gooblax (Aug 31, 2013)

I don't think that you should have - it's not your job to watch him to make sure he's behaving himself, and it's a reasonable expectation that you could go out and talk to other people and enjoy yourself.

As to why he'd do this, he clearly has some issues so his behaviour is much more about him than about you.


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## blueblue (Aug 31, 2013)

I guess he finally felt comfortable enough around me to be himself


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 31, 2013)

blueblue said:


> I guess he finally felt comfortable enough around me to be himself



Yeah. Not really a good sign for the long term, is it?


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## blueblue (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank you all. I was hoping he'd get in touch and was focusing on ways to make the situation right, but maybe I should go on my way.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 31, 2013)

I think right now you should be looking out for YOU ok  he is not ready for a relationship of any kind  not until he is able to deal with his issues his anger is not at you it is at himself ok   so yes i think you need to step away until he get some therapy or help   
Find some healthy friends  ok     step away for now


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## blueblue (Sep 1, 2013)

Starting to think he may have Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## forgetmenot (Sep 1, 2013)

whatever he has  he has to work through it himself  ok you need to look after you and to keep you safe and well. hugs


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## blueblue (Sep 1, 2013)

You're really sweet Forgetmenot.

---------- Post Merged at 12:23 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:00 AM ----------

Thinking through everything that has passed, I'm pretty sure he's bpd. And he's big and strong and has violent tendencies. So I'm scared. I'm going to start a new thread.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 1, 2013)

blueblue said:


> Thinking through everything that has passed, I'm pretty sure he's bpd. And he's big and strong and has violent tendencies. So I'm scared.



Given all of that, are you still uncertain about whether you should stay with him?


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## blueblue (Sep 1, 2013)

I was going to post on the bpd forum, but decided not to because I was just running through personal details of our relationship. Dr. Baxter, you are right for pressing your point. I will have to say goodbye to him. It just hurts because under this messed up behaviour, described pretty precisely here:

Borderline Personality Disorder: The ?Perfect Storm? of Emotion Dysregulation | Elsevier

There is a beautiful person that I want to love. I wish it was different. But maybe if he didn't suffer from this, he would not have been attracted to me in the first place. So, yeah, I have to say goodbye. Sadly.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 1, 2013)

Difficult, I know. But better to realize this now, blueblue, than 5-10 or 20 years from now.


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## Darkside (Sep 2, 2013)

blueblue said:


> Shouldn't I have been more tuned in to him and what was going on with him than all the other peripheral stuff going on at the bar?
> 
> If he likes me, why would he treat me this way? Why would he push me away like this if he didn't want to get rid of me for some reason?



Short answer is no. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

I have anger issues too. When I get depressed I am much more likely to act out the anger. Maybe he'll figure it out and get some help. I hope so. (for him and for you)


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## forgetmenot (Sep 2, 2013)

Perhaps as a friend you could direct him to someone that can help him with therapy  but that will only work if he accepts that he is ill   You are doing the right thing hun leaving now ok  because  if he does has a mental illness only a professional can help him  and he will need to concentrate all his efforts on getting well   You move on and find someone that will not drag you down ok   hugs


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