# Feeling threatened too



## morpheus (Apr 18, 2005)

My girlfriend and I are having a problem. I have become aware that I have jealousy issues, but I don't think that it's all on my part.

This past weekend was the biggest episode we've had yet.

She went on a trip with some friends and this one friend in particular is the heart of the problem. He likes her alot and takes every oppertunity to get closer to her. She doesn't see it, but I do. Atleast I think I do. He took it upon himself to 'treat' her all weekend. He spent alot of money on her and I find that uncomfortable. She doesn't.

He also loves to hug her and tell her how beautiful she is and even stopped her one day while walking and held her chin and said, "Why do you have to be so god-damn sexy?". That was it for me and told her that she needs to put an end to his advances, but she doesn't think he is being over-bearing.

He even spent the weekend with his arm around her neck or walking arm-in-arm. Rubbing her feet and kissing her cheek (twice already he has 'slipped' and planted a quick & light kiss on her lips).

I have told him to cease his actions out of respect for me, since he does know of me and knows me on a face-to-face basis. He has met me on more than a few occasions. He agreed to back down and apologized, but when she noticed his actions had changed, she pressured him to tell her and he did. She then got mad at him for listening to me and said that he was her friend and to 'keep acting like it and get over it'. He then started all over again and almost bought her an expensive ring.

I am not comfortable with this because I feel threated by his money-status. I'm not wealthy, but I make a living. She has said that money is not something that she is impressed by. She says she loves me and that she'd rather have my love than the world's money.  I think that is still true, but she does like expensive things: rings, ear-rings, clothes. She has never asked for me to buy them for her, even though I could at times.

What can I do? Am I justified? Or just being paranoid? This has happend in similar situations with other guys, but this is the most recent and so far the biggest. I have talked about counseling, but she is against it. She says she wants to keep our problem between us and not bring a total stranger into it. I'd like some advice if anyone has any. Thanks.


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## cm (Apr 18, 2005)

In my opinion the behavior you have described is totally disrespectful of you and the relationship.  I would take a break from this relationship and look for someone who shares similar personal values as yourself.
cm


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## morpheus (Apr 19, 2005)

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

We have thought of taking abreaks, but niether wants to lose the other. I love her dearly, but I'm scared of what may happen.

Today was worse. I posted last night after a long fight and didn't include it in the post till there was more to it. This is what has happend so far:

Last night she found out that she has a project due that requires her to cook. I agreed to help her. She decedied to come to my house to work on it, but 8 o'clock isn't the time to start when she has to be asleep by 10 (she has to get up by 5). All this time, she says she wants to still try to work on it, but we have no time. I tell her this, but she dismissed it. Finally we started fighting when I explained it to her more bluntly and called me an ass-hole.

This morning she didn't want to talk to me, but finally started to warm up and said to meet her for lunch. Her exact text-message was "Come c me!" @ 10:37 am which i replied, "Right now?" and she came back with "Yes u me lunch now!" @ 10:42. I get there a couples mins after 11 and waited for her. I knew she didn't get out till 11:25, but I wanted to be sure to get parking.

She knew I was there and left her class, walked to a make-up shop, grabbed a quick bite with her best-friend and then headed to where i was some time after 11:45. She then walked into a building I couldn't get into without noticing, but I was across the street. But she didn't realize that she did that till after her freind pointed it out to her and which point she came back down.

After coming outside, I asked her about lunch and that's when she told me she had eaten already. I said, "I thought that's why you asked me here, was so that we could eat and talk." She told me that that is not what she meant and that I ASSUMED that from her message without double-checking. That angered me that she didn't tell me that she was doing this so I could eat while waiting. And I can't say that she didn't know I was there because she admitted to knowing I was there waiting for her. I even called her, but got no reply while she was eating.

She says that I'm being "retarded" and that I need to get over myself. I'm up to my breaking point and she sees nothing wrong. She even says everyone agree's with her, but I get the same.

What am I doing wrong? I'm so in love with her, but she's hurting me and doesn't see a problem with any of her actions. There's so much I oculd say, but I have no idea how many people want to read it all. Let me know if some more situations with clarify this.

Please, any ideas? Thanks.


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## lammers1980 (Apr 19, 2005)

I don't think it is possible for there to be love if both sides are not acting on it.  I think she is disrespecting you in your relationship and that there is nothing wrong with you.  I think you should seriously evaluate if this is the way you want to continue things with her.  I think perhaps you should stop letting her walk over you and give her an ultimatum and then stick to it.


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## cm (Apr 19, 2005)

morpheus,
It can be so hard to let go of what is familiar, but it doesn't sound like it's going to get any easier in the future. Personally, I would suggest that you
do yourself a favour and move on.
cm


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 19, 2005)

Wow. I have to agree, morpheus. I don't know what is going on in her head but it doesn't seem to me that either your feelings or your relationship are priorities for her.

I would suggest you lay down some clear boundaries and suggest to her that if she has any interest in continuing the relationship she and you need to see an objective third-party for some counselling.


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## ThatLady (Apr 20, 2005)

Morpheus, hon, it sounds to me like you're being used. It's never easy to recognize that someone you care about would take you for granted, or treat you with disrespect, but it does happen. It's happening to you.

Let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you've come to the end of the road. Either she begins to consider your feelings and to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve, or she hits the road. Breaking up is hard to do, but it's even harder when someone has been treating you badly for so long that you've lost all your self-esteem.


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## HA (Apr 20, 2005)

Welcome Morpheus, 

I think you have the female version of someone wanting their cake and eating it too. I hope you get this sorted so you don't stay stuck in limbo for long.

Good luck


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## morpheus (Apr 24, 2005)

You all have been such a great help. I took the advice and sat her down and talked to her about lots of things. However it took me 'breaking up' with her to get her to listen to me. 

After a few hours of believeing we were thru, she sent me a message (we talk alot thru text-messaging, since it's sometimes easier to send one then talk alound). She told me that she loves me, despite everything. I told her I still loved her too. She wanted to see me and asked me to pick her up. I wanted to, but was scared. I finally agreed. 

We talked very little at first, but we began to talk more after awhile. I finally got my point across to her and she understood my concerns and we agreed that both she AND I were wrong, which I was. I didn't get my point across to her in the begining and she let me know that I need to be more direct in my statements to her. And she agreed to be more considerate of my feelings. Especially where other guys are concerned. 

We seem to be doing better since then and she has been attentive to me since the fight.

I'm working on topics to bring up to a therapist when I find a new one. She doesn't seem to be comfortable with therapy, but I think we could really benefit from it. 

You all have been really helpful and I feel really good talking about this to someone (everyone for that matter). Any more thoughts or comments would be wonderful. Thanks.


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## ThatLady (Apr 24, 2005)

Nobody ever goes into therapy feeling comfortable, I don't think. It's a committment, and it requires you to be dead honest, and to bear your soul to what is, virtually, a stranger. The therapist isn't a family member or a close friend. Because of that, it's always hard. Yet, I really think you two could benefit from therapy. Her willingness to give in on that point and see a therapist will tell you a lot about how much she wants your relationship to work.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Apr 25, 2005)

in your conversation did you discuss how to move forward on the issue of her 'guy' friend? 

I feel like this is the more important issue of your post.  I can understand why you were angry about recieving a text message that essentially wasted your time, but you did have a fight the night before.  She may still have been hurt, and it was an attempt to instigate communication on the topic, and I know her behaviour sounds very irrational, but who can say they are completely rational when hurt? 

I am just glad that you both put an emphasis on communication because that is the key to a healthy relationship. Espeshially about her male friend.  I must admit, i have male friends that are very physically attentive, i.e., hugs, kisses on the cheek (Im english) etc, but sneaking in kisses on the lips would start alarm bells ringing for me. 

Please let us know how you get on...


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