# Empty



## Banned (Oct 1, 2009)

I feel like I could just post an empty thread, and it would completely reflect everything I'm feeling.

I feel empty.  Devoid of anything.  Hollow.  Going through the motions.

I find that lately, more than ever before, I'm living in suicide mode.  Each day I wake up wondering if this will be the day that sends me over the edge.  Some days I wake up hoping that this will be the day that sends me over the edge.

I'm trying to hold on to the hope that things won't always be like this, that I still don't even have a diagnosis let alone proper medication, that a whole lot of therapy can change things, but I get so caught up wondering if it's really fixable and if I'll ever have any quality of life.

Yesterday was a great day.  Awesome day.  Today, I am low, hollow, and empty.  It just changes, constantly, for no real good reason.  

This morning, I found a bunch of poems I wrote in high school, starting in grade eight.  They were all about suicide.  I'm now in my mid-thirties, and having the same thoughts as I was in grade eight, over 20 years ago.

I need to find hope, but I feel like I've been looking for it my whole life and it still eludes me.


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## Jazzey (Oct 1, 2009)

I think hope is defined by us Turtle.  Meaning that it's this intangible that is defined differently for each of us.  

For me hope is:  no more feelings of guilt, no more negative self-talk, really feeling happiness when I'm around those that I love.  It doesn't have to be grand, just something to look forward to.

I don't know if this makes any sense tonight.  For me my, hope is what you make of it.  And I think that it probably changes a little over time, as we get better...Maybe my goals will be different in a few months time.


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## NicNak (Oct 1, 2009)

Sending you my best wishes for hope Turtle.  

I am also empty, so I do not have words that would be helpful.  I am sorry.

:support:


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## Banned (Oct 1, 2009)

Thanks guys.  I just feel like everything's a struggle lately, there's no end to it, and there's never going to be that light at the end of the rainbow.  I'm just tired.  I've been tired for awhile but now I'm beyond tired and hopeless.


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## Into The Light (Oct 1, 2009)

recovery unfortunately takes a lot of time, turtle. it probably isn't what you want to hear. try to hang on with the knowledge that this is going to take time, but that you will get there.


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## Banned (Oct 1, 2009)

Into The Light said:


> recovery unfortunately takes a lot of time, turtle. it probably isn't what you want to hear. try to hang on with the knowledge that this is going to take time, but that you will get there.


 
How much time?  I know that no one can actually answer that, but I've spent my entire life, for as long as I can remember, trying to find joy, meaning, and purpose.  So far, I can't find it.


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 2, 2009)

Sorry your going through such a hard time Turtle...

Wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away for you.

I was feeling so low for the longest time and I think it was because I was always looking to feel better or for something to "happen" or for something to change or...so on and so on. And I still am in a way but...I've found some relief in letting go of always expecting to feel better or for something perfect to happen. I think sometimes we set our expectations so high, that by the time something good does happen, we've already set our eyes on the next best thing...and something we just end up failing to recognize all the little baby steps in between. 

Hope you feel better soon.


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## Daniel (Oct 2, 2009)

> I've spent my entire life, for as long as I can remember, trying to find joy, meaning, and purpose.  So far, I can't find it.


That sounds like overgeneralized, all-or-nothing thinking and/or a very selective memory, with negative mood making it more difficult to access positive experiences.

Similarly:


> Hamlet's fascination with death reflects "selective abstraction," in which the positive aspects of life are overlooked.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/cbt-cogn...s-ten-forms-of-twisted-thinking.html#post4999





> Just as memory plays tricks on us when we try to look backward in time, so does imagination play tricks when we try to look forward.
> 
> http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/about.html


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## Into The Light (Oct 2, 2009)

you said you still don't have a diagnosis yet. until it gets figured out what exactly the problem is, it is not surprising you've struggled a long time and haven't had a resolution yet.

i know this is frustrating and feels like it's all useless. the reality is you need to take a number of steps to get quality of life:

1. get help with sleep (absolutely imperative)
2. get a diagnosis (going to take some time)
3. get the right treatment for that diagnosis (going to take more time)

feeling better isn't going to happen overnight, from one day to the next. it is a very gradual process, sometimes so gradual it doesn't seem like anything is happening. recovery seems to happen in spurts. for a while there doesn't seem much difference, then suddenly you realize you've improved, you're still not feeling great but there is improvement. then you're back to "nothing is happening" for a while. you hit plateaus, you keep working at it, and then the next improvement seems to be upon you.

this gradualness is what fuels the idea that nothing is working, nothing ever will, and that you will never be better. that just isn't true.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 2, 2009)

Daniel said:


> That sounds like overgeneralized, all-or-nothing thinking and/or a very selective memory, with negative mood making it more difficult to access positive experiences.



Also:


mental filtering
jumping to conclusions


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 2, 2009)

Is there a way to get a diagnosis soon?


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## Banned (Oct 2, 2009)

Not really.  We have a couple ideas, but they need to be narrowed down.  I don't see the psychiatrist until February.  I don't know if they can come up with a diagnosis on the first visit.  I don't even know if I'm going to be able to answer half his questions.  I'll have to see how it goes.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 2, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:


> Is there a way to get a diagnosis soon?



Yes. Send an email plus $50 USD to hurryup@diagnoses'r'us.com.


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## Banned (Oct 2, 2009)

Thanks for the tip, Dr. B.  I'm going to do that right away.  It *will* be accurate, right?  I think I read too that if you enclose an extra $25 they will send you a miracle pill that will fix your diagnosis.  May as well include the extra $25.


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## Into The Light (Oct 2, 2009)

thinking of you, turtle :hug::hug:


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## forgetmenot (Oct 2, 2009)

I hope you are feeling better today. Can you be put on a cancellation list to be called in sooner it sometimes works


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## Jackie (Oct 2, 2009)

I know that empty feeling I have it right now! hugs


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## Banned (Oct 2, 2009)

Thanks Shuttered.

Violet, I am on a cancellation list in case he gets an opening sooner.  Also, I think my therapist is going to send off a letter to him to see if that will get me in any sooner.  We're trying everything we can.

I do feel a bit better today, guys.  Thanks for caring.


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## Into The Light (Oct 2, 2009)

we definitely care turtle. glad you're feeling a bit better :flowers:


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## Jackie (Oct 2, 2009)

people do care its amazing who does care on the net when you have problems, post about it and its like the whole world cares about you its a good feeling:hug:


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## ladylore (Oct 2, 2009)

:support:We definitely do care. It's crappy that your going through this. We are here for you.


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## white page (Oct 2, 2009)

My heart is with you Turtle, Daniel is right about selective thinking, but knowing that is not very helpful to you right now. 
At times seemingly tiny events can lighten my dark days and hope seems possible.

I wish I knew what little ray of hope would help you at the moment :hug:


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## the sister (Oct 2, 2009)

its horride to feel empty inside really is


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## Daniel (Oct 2, 2009)

Granted, cognitive techniques are not very exciting, but, OTOH:



> Suicidal thought processes are viewed here as causal (as opposed to merely correlated) factors in suicidality.
> 
> Amazon.com: Cognition and Suicide: Theory, Research, and Therapy (9781591473572): Thomas E. Ellis: Books


And CBT includes behavior therapy, including doing the opposite of how you feel in order to help change your mood:



> The best way to think about it is that emotions love themselves.  They just keep themselves going. That's why it's so difficult to change.  Because they go round and round and round.
> 
> One of the ways that you can change your emotion is to just reverse the circle.  We just start with action that is opposite and that circle starts going in the other way. And the emotion starts going down. Kind of like a miracle.
> 
> Opposite Action - Part 1


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