# Jealousy



## Shaymus (Oct 28, 2004)

Is jealousy always a bad thing? I know when it gets to extremes it is but i always like my partner to have some jealousy. It proves they think im worthwhile and others could find me as loveable as they seem to.  I always have some for the same reasons. If i find them funny attractive and good to be around so will others.  I dont get out of control i dont think but it would bug me if someone i was with had dinner alone with someone they were once in a relationship with. I dont necassarily think they would cheat but that the other one would fall back in love with them or see the same traits as i do and love. Is it wrong to not want your SO to be alone with men(or whoever they are attracted to) one on one in a social setting? I dont think so.  Just reading other threads here made me want to ask this  

Obviously i know it can go to extremes. My current girlfriends ex used to do that. Would quiz her if she was 10 minutes late and be angry. Would secretly read her diary,heck once she even found a tape recorder in a drawer taping her day at home while he was at work. If she was friendly to someone and he saw he would explode and accuse her of wanting to have sex with the man and what not.  I can see that as definately negative but slight jealousy seems normal to me and possibly even a positive.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 28, 2004)

Maybe it depends on how you define "jealousy", Shaymus, but to me it seems to necessarily involve a degree of either distrust or possessiveness, neither of which is very healthy in a relationship, in my opinion.

If you are secure in yourself and confident in your partner, why would you be jealous? A friend is a friend, whether same sex or opposite sex, and in a secure relationship it should make little or no difference who the individuals socialize with. I think someone (TM?) said in another thread that one issue is whether your partner is open about his or her friendships vs. attempting to conceal something from you, but again I would assume that this would not be happening in a secure and trusting relationship.


----------



## BrianneD (Nov 1, 2004)

Maybe jealousy is nothing but a cultural factor. The feelings of possessiveness and/or insecurity all come from the idea that humans are meant to be monogamic. Maybe some humans but maybe not all of us. 
On the other hand, though, the notion of one's SO being refrained from socializing (not sexual or affective) instincts due to jealousy is kind of intimidating. Or maybe the basis of all relationiships is the intimidation. Ultimatum. Me or them. 

I don't know, that's just random brain on Shymus' proposition.


----------



## Shaymus (Nov 4, 2004)

I know its probably partly due to insecurity but on the other hand i think the situation can dictate it as well.  For instance we live in a house we rent, a guy lives upstairs with a seperate door and everything seperate. Me and my girlfriend worked with him and i like him he is a good guy. When my gf goes up to talk to him about our nutcase landlord or to just talk about whatever, it doesnt bug me. However if we are supposed to be doing something together and she is up there it really eats away at my insecurity and i get annoyed about it. Or if she says she is just gonna tell him about something quick and comes down an hour later, this irritates me greatly as well.  Now i know she isnt going to sleep with this guy, as cool as he is, he has his own problems and it would become apparent if she did for reasons i wont get into. 

Where do you draw the line with trust? I mean ive heard people say they have open relationships and have sex with multiple partners and it works for them cause they trust each other so much.  Thats not something i want. If its lack of trust i can live with that.  I think the word trust can easily be manipulated, its like patriotism. Great to be patriotic but if you go too far you turn crazy and manipulate the word to mean something else.  My insecurity needs for my love and my trust to be reflected back to me with words and actions. Spending large amounts of time with one man without me would indicate a problem to me.  Add another man or another woman and it would make me more comfortable but even then, i want the most attention from my significant other, not anyone else and id hope my wife would feel the same.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 4, 2004)

Workable relationships require more than just trust -- they also require a common vision of the relationship and mutual willing acceptance of that vision and its goals.

I have worked with individuals and couples who are in "open relationships" of various types, and even in those cases there are quite well-defined rules about what is acceptable and not acceptable within the relationship. And it needs to be something both partners are 100% comfortable with -- if one is acceding because of insecurity or coercion, it is doomed to eventual failure.

Personally, I would not want and would not accept an open relationship. That doesn't have anything to do with trust _per se_. It has to do with my beliefs about what constitutes a rewarding and successful relationship for me, and part of that is monogamy, fidelity, and commitment. To me, an open relationship is like "dating" -- if that's what I wanted, that's what I'd be doing.

Others obviously feel differently about it and that's fine with me. I just know what it is that I want and what I don't want -- others can make their own decisions -- it's a personal choice, not a moral judgment.


----------



## LostInsideMyself (Sep 13, 2005)

*I know how shamus feels*

I have also had a very hard time with jealousy. My girlfriend and I have known eachother for 7 years. We were together for one year when we were freshmans in highschool. We are both in college now and we've been together for 2 years so far.  Three weeks into this relationship she wasnt sure how serious of a relationship was going to develop. We were going through a long distance period until I came to move permanately across the country to be with her. Three weeks into the relationship she went on a trip out of the country and cheated on me. I confronted her about it and after a long time of her lies she admitted to doing so. She promised she would never do it again. After that I had always been very possesive. Like samus Ive looked through her diary. Ive looked at her cell phone to see what calls and text messages have been made. I have also checked her emails.  With doing these things I know they were wrong. I was still hurt by what she did. I found things where she said she loved someone else. She has also traded naked pictures with her ex boyfriend.  Her ex boyfriend is also her so called "best friend". I dont have a problem with her talking to him on a daily basis. Its just when anything sexual is involved it hurts me. Ive confronted her on all of these things and shes told me the next time it happens she will leave me. I regret looking through her things. I regret finding out. Now I am terribly insecure about things. Its been almost 3 or 4 months since ive looked through her things. Is there any kind of therapy or any way to help me come to terms with my jealousy? If so who should I contact. What can I do to stop these horrible thoughts I have?


----------



## LostInsideMyself (Sep 13, 2005)

*I know how shamus feels*

I have also had a very hard time with jealousy. My girlfriend and I have known eachother for 7 years. We were together for one year when we were freshmans in highschool. We are both in college now and we've been together for 2 years so far.  Three weeks into this relationship she wasnt sure how serious of a relationship was going to develop. We were going through a long distance period until I came to move permanately across the country to be with her. Three weeks into the relationship she went on a trip out of the country and cheated on me. I confronted her about it and after a long time of her lies she admitted to doing so. She promised she would never do it again. After that I had always been very possesive. Like samus Ive looked through her diary. Ive looked at her cell phone to see what calls and text messages have been made. I have also checked her emails.  With doing these things I know they were wrong. I was still hurt by what she did. I found things where she said she loved someone else. She has also traded naked pictures with her ex boyfriend.  Her ex boyfriend is also her so called "best friend". I dont have a problem with her talking to him on a daily basis. Its just when anything sexual is involved it hurts me. Ive confronted her on all of these things and shes told me the next time it happens she will leave me. I regret looking through her things. I regret finding out. Now I am terribly insecure about things. Its been almost 3 or 4 months since ive looked through her things. Is there any kind of therapy or any way to help me come to terms with my jealousy? If so who should I contact. What can I do to stop these horrible thoughts I have?


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 13, 2005)

I think couples counselling might help... if she won't go with you, go alone. 

You may also find this helpful: http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/relationships.htm

And in particular, this:

Spring, Janis A., & Spring, Michael. After The Affair: Healing The Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful. HarperCollins, 1997


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 13, 2005)

I think couples counselling might help... if she won't go with you, go alone. 

You may also find this helpful: http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/relationships.htm

And in particular, this:

Spring, Janis A., & Spring, Michael. After The Affair: Healing The Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful. HarperCollins, 1997


----------

