# You Never Forget



## GDPR (Jul 17, 2015)

After all of these years of therapy,working through all the abuse and traumas from the past,I have come to the realization that you never forget.

I guess I was hoping there would be a time where I would just stop thinking about it,that the past would just be the past and I would never take a look back again.It doesn't work that way,unfortunately,but you do get to a point where the past doesn't control the present,where your reactions are no longer those of that abused child,where the thoughts and memories are just thoughts and memories and don't define who you are anymore,where you accept what happened instead of avoiding it and running from it and finally let yourself grieve all the losses and pick yourself up and move on with your life.

But you never forget.


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## PrincessX (Jul 17, 2015)

Thanks for sharing, LIT. I hope letting yourself grieve allows you to find more peace. In my understanding, the good thing about grieving is that there is this certain time, when you allow yourself to experience these strong emotions resulting from the trauma, to somehow express them, address them and the ways they hinder your life, which hopefully frees you from leaving them hidden, like underwater rocks, that trip you all the time. Hopefully, one finds inner peace after processing the trauma and realizing their value of a precious human being.
I just wanted to add, it is true that you never forget very traumatic, painful experiences, but simultaneously, you remember the really good times as well. There is a place in your memory for joyful and happy moments from the past, and there is no reason to let the painful ones dominate. At, least, that is how I try to look at it.

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When I have a chance, I am going to read "The Drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller:

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition: Alice Miller: 9780465016907: Amazon.com: Books

I think it is worth reading this book, as it relays Miller's own experiences and conclusion, according to the reviews.


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2015)

I wish it was as easy as choosing to not let the painful memories dominate,but...I have PTSD.

The point of my post I guess was just to acknowledge that although I have done a lot of healing work in therapy,which I am proud of,and have made so much progress,the simple fact is you don't ever forget.And I accept that too.

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 It is easier to deal with the memories now,I don't get lost in them like I used to.I am able to distinguish between then and now,something I really struggled with before.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 17, 2015)

It is good to hear that you able to deal with the memories now  and not get so lost 

 No  no one forgets  never but not letting the emotions take you away  that is what i am working on now  so it is good to hear there is hope

Thanks LIT


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2015)

The thing is,forgetmenot,which I am sure you already know,is you have to face everything from the past no matter how hard,painful or scary it is.

Once I did,and all the old feelings came out that were locked away deep inside of me,things started changing.It set me free.

Good luck,it is very hard work,but where there's a will,there's a way.


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## PrincessX (Jul 17, 2015)

I don't know, LIT. I understand what you said, but I guess people try to do what works for them. Maybe it is what worked for your and others with PTSD symptoms. I really admire your courage and determination, as overcoming past trauma is a very difficult thing to do, regardless of the exact approach.

For myself, I am not sure I want to face everything from the past. Best case scenario, this will send me back, living in the past and re-living everything that happened, analyzing it all from my current perspective. I am not sure I should apply my current personality to interpreting the past, as I was somewhat a different person in the past. I was a child, or immature, careless, whatever. I know, I have evolved now and in a sense, I am not this person from the past, nor my circumstances are the exact same as in the past. With time, everything changes, people constantly grow and develop. I understand how childhood trauma has the potential to significantly affect one's future, but at the same time, I have come to realize that I am not a prisoner of the past. I am free and developing, and just as I can change many other aspects of my life, I have the power to get rid of an abusive past. Some people could have been mean, abusive, sick and used me as an outlet for all their problems. Too bad for them, I have done nothing wrong to cause this misbehaviour. I suffered then, and you know what: I refuse to suffer now and for the rest of my life. I know who I am and what I deserve and I refuse to let some sick people from my past rob me from the gift of life, from all I have and all I have the potential to achieve. 
My life is mine, and no one is entitled to spoil it forever. In a way, my philosophy is: Let the bad people rot and be forgotten, this way they lose any power over you.
Remember the good people and the good times and let them energize you and empower you.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2015)

For individuals with PTSD, PrincessX, it's not as easy as that. They don't want to get pulled back into the past. But without therapy they feel powerless to stop it from happening. When the memories or partial memories come, or when the person is triggered, it's as if they get pulled back to the traumatic experience or experiences at whatever psychological age they occurred. Therapy helps them face and manage the memories as an adult. 

We still don't really know why trauma affects different people differently, or why some develop PTSD while others do not. 


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## PrincessX (Jul 17, 2015)

Thank you. I don't have PTSD, and to be honest, I have no idea what is it like to live with PTSD.
I do have a somewhat difficult past though and I was trying to broadcast some quick fix empowering strategies that I try to get to work for me.
You are right. I think I should have developed PTSD, but I somehow didn't, I don't know why. I have had an abusive parent , sexual abuse from a stranger in childhood, poverty, traumatic, sudden death of my father.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 17, 2015)

I can connect to what you say thought PrincessX  i too am a different person  i am not that person from past


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2015)

I am not that person from the past either,I am not a child,of course,but I did have to accept that all those things did happen to ME,not someone else(which was the way I coped as a child).


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2015)

I wasn't suggesting that someone with ptsd is childish or childlike or anything like that. I was trying to describe the typical reaction to triggers and why it it is so destructive and debilitating and so difficult for the person triggered. It's like it takes you back to a time when you were powerless and little. Therapy helps you deal with those triggers from the now, as someone who is no longer little and powerless. 

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well tonight. 


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2015)

I think you have expressed yourself well,I totally got what you are saying.

It was very destructive and debilitating for me when I was triggered,it would take me right back to the traumas,to that age,so much so that I behaved as a child,became that child, while caught up in the flashbacks and dissociation.

I had to face all those traumas and I had to accept that they really did happen,to me,in order to be set free from it.I still have PTSD symptoms,I always will,but I really believe I have found my way out of the dissociation.

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By the way,I no longer have a dissociative disorder diagnosis.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2015)

I'm happy to hear that. 


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## PrincessX (Jul 17, 2015)

I was not trying to undermine the experience and challenges of people with PTSD.
I am sorry if my post left this impression.
 I was just trying to send an optimistic message that childhood trauma is not a sentence and people have the ability to heal. For people with PTSD is likely very complicated and I understand  it might not feel like a choice to ignore or forget the past.
Human experience can be valid, even when it does not constitute clinical pathology. Fighting past traumas takes a lot of daily effort even when one doesn't have pathology. 
I am sorry for my previous replies. I guess this thread somehow triggered me to share my way to fight the past.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 18, 2015)

Your post  i related to PrincessX  i did  and i did not feel you were undermining anyone i am glad you posted because i do not feel so alone now in the way i feel.

When someone has been able to move on from the past  make a new safe place an island for themselves sometimes i think it is not good to go backwards.
i think for me what happen was  when that happen my world the one i created for myself was invaded the safe world i built was not safe anymore.

I wish i could explain  but i can't  if  people had left me alone  and not dwelled into my mind so much i would not have remembered 
 i blame one person for that a person i had asked to not dwell on me  but somehow that person with his skills brought everything to the surface and left me there with it.

If i was left alone i would still be the person i evolved into  a person with control without shame  a person that people looked up to.  but when all the past came in  i could not and still cannot get back to that safe place   i wish i could explain

 PrincessX  i hear you i do  each of us have our own way of dealing with trauma we do  and what works for some does not work for others   I am glad you found away to move forward   and i think you are very strong  i wish i could find that way  back to my safe island  i wish i could leave it all alone the past like i did for years and years

No one should have that power to bring pack pain  but it happened and now i have to deal with it all   if it was left alone i would never have remembered the pain  i really believe that  

 don't get mad at me ok but i do  and dam me for trusting someone  when i ask him specifically do not talk about me   He knew what he was doing  he should have left past in the past 

New therapist i have now is helping me deal with triggers  but i will never get that safe place back  i have tried i just cannot find it yet. Triggers are so real  pain the sadness are like i am that person from past again  omg i wish  the nightmare would end  and LIT you have shown me perhaps it can end  perhaps  

Each of us are different  each heal in their own way and i am glad you both   Both of you have found a path out of some of the darkness you have had to live through.


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## GDPR (Jul 18, 2015)

I am sorry if I made it seem like my way is the right way or the only way,that's not what I was trying to say at all.

I don't have the answers for anyone else,but I do know from experience that trauma does not go away on its own,it always comes back to bite you one way or another.

You never forget,whether it's there consciously or subconsciously,it is still there and comes back,until it is faced and worked through.There have been periods of time throughout my adult life where I have forgotten all of it and was fine,not realizing I was just dissociating, it wasn't really gone,it was all still there inside,waiting to rear its ugly head when I was triggered.I wasn't even aware that was happening,but then when I did know,I started working on changing it.

This is what worked for me.Avoiding it and running from it didn't work.Trying to never think about it or talk about it didn't work either.And I am so glad I stuck with therapy and didn't give up because it has made a huge difference in my quality of life.

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Princessx,it's ok,you had already stated you have no idea what it's like to live with PTSD. Maybe by participating  in this thread you have gained a little knowledge about it.

I was not upset with what you said,many people don't understand PTSD,they don't get why people can't just 'let it go','just get over it',or 'stop dwelling on it',all things I have heard through the years.


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## GDPR (Jul 19, 2015)

forgetmenot said:


> i think for me what happen was  when that happen my world the one i created for myself was invaded the safe world i built was not safe anymore



I am sorry for whatever it was you went through and I hope that you can find your safe place again or maybe at least find a new one.


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## Michelle M (Jul 27, 2017)

l have PTSD and also had Therapy,  which did change the way l think about things,  At times,  something triggers me to think of all the hurt and makes me feel so very sad...l know l have to stop when l feel despair because thinking of all the good times we shared is extremely hard on me because l wish time would have changed my children's feelings.  lt just never ends when they continue to cut me out of their life.  l don't think l could ever find any forgiveness for my Ex husband for his poisonous words.  l just don't understand why my children could even believe all he said, when they knew how much l loved them and kept trying to have them in my life.  lt is so very true you never forget the words, actions or hurt......


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## forgetmenot (Jul 28, 2017)

I do believe the truth does eventually come forward and your children will see what that is and they will not forgive their father either for what he has done to you and to their trust really.   I do think in time things may change especially if your children or grandchildren are able to get away from their father's influence    I am sorry that he has hurt you so.


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