# I don't want to live this way



## forgetmenot (Aug 10, 2013)

so afraid even on meds  i am so anxious  afraid  i don't want to keep living like this  so afraid  for everyone  i just cannot breath
i want my daughter with me so i know she is safe
i don't want my mother in nrsg home 
i want to be able to see my grandchildren 
im tired  and i am so afraid  meds  meds aren't working  they are not keeping my anxiety away  they are not keeping the sadness away either  or the dark thoughts
i can't do this  just let me go ok because i am driving myself crazy  and everyone else too 
where is she  i want her home with me god


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 10, 2013)

*Re: i don't want to live this way*

I am struggling too. I am sorry things are so hard. Are you able to let your therapist know how badly you're feeling? Is there more self care you can do for yourself? You seem to take care of everyone , but do you take care of you?


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## forgetmenot (Aug 11, 2013)

i do take care of me i am back on meds  but reality is what it is
It is all just too hard  to see them all fight to get well then destroy it all again 
i cannot do this  watch my family destroy themselves
i go for walks  i write i even painted an old bench i have to be placed by my pond
the pain the anxiety the sadness  never leaves because i know i will have to  deal with losing another one  
i ate the phone ringing  i hate the dam phone ringing
anxiety fear sadness is just too great


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## defect (Aug 11, 2013)

I feel these things too. Life is really painful. People always say that's why you're supposed to enjoy the good stuff as much as you can, but I feel this is difficult to do when you're always knowing that there's so much pain to endure. People tell me I'm too sensitive, and to "get over it". Needless to say, I don't talk to people much anymore. 
I am able to unplug the phone, I actually didn't have a phone at all for several years... I don't know if that is a good thing or not but I quite liked it. Not sure how good it was for my isolation issues, but whatever. If at all possible, I highly recommend it.
Please don't do anything to permanently remove yourself. Volunteer yourself if you feel you can't be present in yourself anymore. You can create a purpose to be here that is tolerable and might even outweigh the pain you're in. Selfless actions like volunteering or being of service to others can be incredibly self rewarding.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 11, 2013)

unplug phone done that but have to leave it on to know certain things
leave that is all in my mind  is to leave but i don't want toharm them yet they think nothing of harming others by their actions
i try so hard to help others  and yes i am very sensitive  oh god ijust want it to end  years of this now years and it never ends


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## defect (Aug 11, 2013)

knowing that this is how you experience life and living, is there any way you can be comfortable with it? Can you let it be okay? It's a subtle shift, to allow the pain and discomfort to be acceptable to you, but if you're able to let it be okay, it makes it easier to tolerate. And it feels less permanent for some reason. At least this has been my experience of it, I've just recently come to this understanding within myself.


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## Jesse910 (Aug 12, 2013)

Dear Forgetmenot:

I hear your anxiety, frustration and fear.  And, it would be wonderful if all of us could wave a magic wand and rid ourselves of life's frustrations.  I've got a few that I would like resolved as well.  Unfortunately, however, in order to deal with our respective lives, we sometimes have to break things down into minute segments:  (1) what must be handled right now?  (2)  How can I care for myself so that I can function?  (3) While I am worried about family members, are they safe in this moment?  (4) Will they remain safe in the next few hours.

You sound burdened by decisions that you may perceive need to be addressed immediately.  Do they have to be resolved right now?  Can they wait?
You indicate that you are having troubles breathing.  Have you tried drinking a glass of water?  When we drink water or any type of liquid, we have to breathe in order to take the next sip.

What I'm trying to get at here is that if everyone is safe for the next few hours, you can begin to process things within your own life.  Reduce the anxiety to a few hours or to an hour at a time.  Call for whatever backup support you need to maintain a sense of calm.  Your not wanting to continue is a cry for help.  Let's address that cry.  Right now, you need to regroup and rest.  You are a priority and don't you ever forget that.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi Jessie  all i can do is handle one crisis at a time sometimes i have to handle two  i have always been able to prioritize  taking the most impt crisis and deal with it first 
like getting my twin help so she would stop the ODing and other things  and getting mother signed papers for nrsg home  and then taking my girl and getting her back on track

Just when they od multiple times not one person but two  and i feel like i am not knowing what else to do  When i run out of connections  when i  have done everything possible to help them i feel lost  and anxious and afraid that's all 

So afraid that i may not get there in time or i missed something  i don't want to fail them ok like i failed my bro i don't want to lose another person i don't
Meds are sort of numbing me a bit  and i don't get so anxious i cannot think  
Break things down in small steps  all i can do is deal with the most immediate crisis get them stable and then move on 
As for me god tears  must thinking abt me brings tears  i am ok 

 i have dealt with all i can right now  bought my girl a name badge that states her position she has now graduated  I told her to look at that badge and see who she is  a professional someone who can do so much for her animals   
I told her her actions affect so many not just me  but her nieces her brother father and aunts. 
My twin told her take one day and get through it  take then next do the same
I am a professional i am in control  i am trying so hard to stay me  dam tears  
the want for not being here is selfish i know that  but i am not prepared ok i am not prepared to lose another person  i am not
breath  eat something  walk   and stay on meds and talk to therapist
all i can do  right Jessie   
Your last line oh god hun just brings so much pain inside me so much sadness   because  i have never ever been a priority never and i know in order to help them all i have to stay in control i have to stay well  i understand  that much

I want so much to heal their pain to bring them peace 

i hear you i do  put on the oxygen mask first so i will be able to help them  as my therapist put it.


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## Jesse910 (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi Forgetmenot:

You are speaking volumes to all of us regarding your situation.  I am also the "take charge" person in my home.  I am the one that rallies my husband and my son.  However, there are days when I am forced to take a time out for myself.  That means that things don't happen in the manner that I want.  Yet, the things that need to get done do.  I understand your concerns for your mother and in placing her in a nursing home.  I cared for both of my parents when they became sick.  That along is an emotional process to work through.  And, people who care for others tend to second-guess themselves:  "Did I do the right thing?, etc."  It took me a very long time to accept that I was a priority and could be added to my schedule.  Yet, when I did, I started to feel better.  Maybe today, you can give yourself some time just for you.  If all you do is stare out the window, or lay down for a bit, or whatever, that is your time.  And believe me, the world will still go on.  When you give yourself permission to be yourself, I think you will start to feel relief.  I also hope that you are checking in with your therapist.  Please continue to let us know how you are coping.  You are worth the time.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 14, 2013)

The only way to stop this  pain is medicate myself until i sleep or leave  the anxiety  is to great   i don't trust anyone  not even my daughter   
i  don't think i ever will  too many have harmed    i wish i knew what was happening  but tonight i will just medicate myself until i feel nothing again


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## forgetmenot (Aug 16, 2013)

I see my therapist wed next week and gp on thurs   again

 suggestions of group therapy   i just don't see me doing that

   no  i know what will happen it happen before and i don't want to show that side of me

   I will not go into group therapy

   My anxiety has lessen some  not as depressed  as i was 

 The meds just make me not care now

  I have the feeling of not caring anymore

     Maybe when things start to happen  i will feel emotions again

   Fighting the thoughts again about the meds tonight  as i am feeling a little zombie like 

Maybe one night off them wont hurt   just one night off.


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## defect (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't think that missing a dose is a good idea.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 16, 2013)

one dose really  ok  then i will take them now  so then i can at least tell doc and therapist i did take them everyday  i am getting tired of taking them i feel like a zombie  but i will until i see them both


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## defect (Aug 17, 2013)

I know it's hard to do, but try your best to trust the process. It takes time and patience, but you deserve to allow yourself to get treatment. 
Today is my first day of new medication and I feel slightly dizzy but that's not all that unusual, and my tummy is a bit off, I've got a head ache and I'm having my usual gong show of thoughts running their circus in my head. I know day one is only day one, so I am currently very aware of how easily I write off how I am feeling, physically or mentally, on the medications working or not working. Just stay on the path and talk to your docs like you said, and try to trust in the process. Give yourself the best chance.


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## MHealthJo (Aug 17, 2013)

It is so key..... I have always been amazed at the degree to which the success of medications, and the level of side effects etc,  sometimes has a level of correlation with pre-existing thoughts, fears, and attitudes in the patient. I've read experiences from health professionals which have blown me away, when terrible side effects have occurred etc, and then the health professional has revealed to the patient that the patient was given NO medication at all, only placebo. Just incredible......

Such a difficult thing, but people who are suffering deserve to feel better and have all tools at their disposal. Hang in there...... xox


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## forgetmenot (Aug 17, 2013)

Woke up took meds   not a good night last night  but i will talk to doc on thurs and see if dosage can be decreased   some


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## defect (Aug 17, 2013)

weird. two days in a row and I've woken up and not immediately taken my meds. I've been doing this for several years now, what gives? yesterday I forgot until about 2pm-ish, I'm glad that won't happen today, thanks for the reminder!


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## forgetmenot (Aug 18, 2013)

I am sick today  could not take my meds sick  just sick  maybe tomorrow i will feel better


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## defect (Aug 19, 2013)

I took my new med this morning and again in as many days I am feeling the worse for it. My instincts are telling me to stop this medication, and that is what I'm going to do. I have spent all morning doing a ton of reading on the drug, and I think stopping it is the right thing to do for me. I don't want to give up on it so soon, but the side effects I'm already experiencing at such a low dose are more than I'm willing or able to deal with. Blah.
Forgetmenot, I hope you're doing okay.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 19, 2013)

Hey  took me weeks to get use to meds hun  try to hang in there ok  or talk to your doctor

  maybe starting at a lower dose would be easier but discuss that with your doctor before giving up so soon

    I see my doc this thurs so i will also be bring up my concerns about too high a dosage

  been on it 4 weeks now  that is a long time for me then i missed yesterday and today as i am still sick 

 i know it takes at least 6 weeks for full affect    You hang on ok hun  instincts are not always right   hugs


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## defect (Aug 19, 2013)

I was started at the lowest dose. I'm so dizzy and nauseated and my headache is constant. I can't hold my head up properly. This seems to be more than just a little bit of discomfort, there's no way I can drive right now, I'm just not okay with waiting weeks to feel okay, in hopes that this might be an effective med for me. I'm still open to continuing, but even at that, I am now getting a rash on my neck, so I don't know if I am having a reaction to this or what. I feel terrible, like I said I can't even hold my head up right now. Not cool.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 19, 2013)

Not good hun i know  i was sick on that med too but there are other meds to try talk to your doctor ok 

 if you are getting a rash from it  call your doc or pharmacist and see if you should  stop it   until you can get on a new drug


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 19, 2013)

defect said:


> I took my new med this morning and again in as many days I am feeling the worse for it. My instincts are telling me to stop this medication, and that is what I'm going to do. I have spent all morning doing a ton of reading on the drug, and I think stopping it is the right thing to do for me. I don't want to give up on it so soon, but the side effects I'm already experiencing at such a low dose are more than I'm willing or able to deal with. Blah.



What medication is this?


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## forgetmenot (Aug 19, 2013)

It is Zoloft defect stated starting on a low dose at first and has a rash now as well


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## defect (Aug 19, 2013)

Yes it's Zoloft, 25mg.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 19, 2013)

OK. I agree. You should stop taking the Zoloft now and get in ASAP to see your doctor. That sounds like an allergic reaction and it will probably get worse if you continue taking it. It's certainly not a normal adaptation response to Zoloft.


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## defect (Aug 19, 2013)

That's what I thought too, and I have tried other meds before and haven't felt quite like this. It is subsiding a bit now but I'm going to call tomorrow because I think I'd be hugging the toilet all day tomorrow if I continue. The rash is pretty much the deciding factor for me here. Thank you for your input, I have been feeling very upset about this decision all day, and questioning my ability to even make decisions at this point, and my responsibility to myself for myself. I know I shouldn't feel guilty or bad about this, controlling that, however, is another matter entirely.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 20, 2013)

i took one pill tonight  as i am not sleeping again  i hope i keep it down  so i can sleep    Maybe i will be able to take both pills tomorrow

---------- Post Merged on August 20th, 2013 at 08:32 AM ---------- Previous Post was on August 19th, 2013 at 10:39 PM ----------

well it worked i slept  but i am afraid to take the other pill i think it is the one that is making me sick  i will ask gp on thurs  but at least i got some sleep


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## forgetmenot (Aug 21, 2013)

took other pill at lunch today tired now got to sleep some tired

---------- Post Merged at 03:56 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:46 PM ----------

i am so tired  so sad  i am not one of them  i just took medication because i told my therapist i would    i wish  i did not feel or remember anything  it is all to painful   wish therapist did not mention  a certain someone my girl is seeing because it just brought back so much  pain


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## forgetmenot (Aug 22, 2013)

So saw my gp today took me off wellbutrin xl  which is good because it made me feel sick  put me on another medication  have not got it yet maybe tomorrow iwill go to pharmacy and get it  

 i fill out a sheet how i feeling   i improved it some  i don't want to be seen as someone not in control  

   i will try different medication and to stay on anxiety meds as well   

 I am lucky really to have a gp who listens and does not judge  she is young but very knowledgeable and understanding   I wish my twin would go to her and my daughter too 
She also agreed with my therapist that i should not take my girl home again  even though she has a mental illness  i have to somehow be at peace with myself with the efforts i am doing to keep her safe.  calling her  visiting her   and what happens happens  just have to pray that they all stay safe  
wanting to leave is just wanting the pain to end that all  inside me just wanting the sadness to end.  Hope the new meds will decrease that want to leave some


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## Jesse910 (Aug 22, 2013)

Hi Forgetmenot:

I was really worried about you the other day.  I am glad that you've seen your doctor and are willing to try another medication.  You may have heard this before, but it's worth repeating, there isn't a one-size fits all meds.  Everyone has their own unique combination that works for them.  And, when they don't, you contact your doctor and you reach out for support.  I think you've also made the right direction for you and your daughter.  For now, so long as she is in a safe place, she needs to get care for herself.  And, you need care for you.  You don't have to be strong right now.  Please don't beat yourself up over anything.  As your life and the meds help your body, you will feel better.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 23, 2013)

Picked up new meds today  suppose to take it at bed time with anxiety meds. 
half of it to start but this med cannot be cut in half as it is long acting   so don't know whether to just start high dose or  cut it in half  as i have done before  

 or just take 25mg of the fast acting pill which i have here until i talk to doc 

  what ever it is same drug just fast acting not slow acting    oh dam  i think i will just cut it in half knowing it will not be dispersed evenly but it will give me 25mg over a longer time   see what happens 

always something isn't there  really  but i have to think  this one over a bit


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## Jesse910 (Aug 23, 2013)

How did the doctor say to take your meds?  Did you speak with a pharmacist?  This is important.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 23, 2013)

My doctor said to take a half of the amt  then work up to 50 but the pharmacist says the pill is not scored so cannot be cut  but i have cut pills before with a pill cutter  so for now i will just cut them and then talk to doctor on monday


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## Jesse910 (Aug 23, 2013)

Forgetmeknow:

The problem I run into when I use my pill cutter for a tablet that is not scored is that I'm guessing as to the amount I'm actually taking.  I'm glad you will talk to your doctor on Monday.  I hope you will start feeling better.  Take care.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 23, 2013)

ya me too  more drama tonight  will take dam meds and just hope all will be ok


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## forgetmenot (Aug 24, 2013)

did not take meds last night had to stay awake for a call  i just don't believe how a system can continually fail  but no matter i will step in now  i have too


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## forgetmenot (Aug 24, 2013)

no meds  i have to think clearly  i will go and get my girl and i will bring her home here to me  and when someone wants to help her then i will let them  but until they do i will step in to keep her safe  because dam it  she is unable to keep herself safe do they not understand that  she has a dam mental illness and it is not going away and she sabotages everything because she does not believe she deserves to win  do they not get that dam it   i will keep her safe  because  no one else is


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## defect (Aug 24, 2013)

She's lucky to have you. Thumbs up!


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## forgetmenot (Aug 25, 2013)

she got into detox today  i miss her so much my girl  but happy finally she will be getting some help and be kept safe for a few day only but that is good
i did not get to dance  but i held my grandchild  and swung her around and i heard her laugh and saw her smile 
she is beautiful  beautiful heart she has   
tired now  don't know if i will take meds or not
  anxious a bit sad a bit but nothing i can't handle

   wish my girl would get well her little niece missed her today


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## forgetmenot (Aug 26, 2013)

phone rang at midnight  too tired to answer it  now im anxious  hope she is ok god i do

---------- Post Merged at 06:20 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:41 AM ----------

think i will try new meds tonight she is safe so i can sleep some with new meds  i feel the sadness so much when i am alone but that is ok it is just sadness nothing new.

---------- Post Merged at 10:01 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:20 PM ----------

not coping at all tonight took half anxiety med and half new med  hope to sleep soon


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## forgetmenot (Aug 28, 2013)

tired  tired  hope i sleep


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## forgetmenot (Aug 30, 2013)

nothing just dam  it


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