# Miss my sister



## healthbound (Nov 24, 2005)

I'm really really really sad and miss my sister terribly.  Even though she died 12 years ago, I still have a really difficult time truly accepting her death.


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## ThatLady (Nov 25, 2005)

From what you posted in another thread, I can imagine that's true, hon. You've never really dealt with the grief of losing her. Because you felt so responsible, what with your mother's inability to take responsibility, you probably blamed yourself and got stuck in that mode instead of moving beyond it. Now that you've realized that you did all you could, you can begin to truly grieve your loss and move on. Now, sweetie, you can cry those tears of sorrow and let it all out. Then, and only then, can you place your sister in her rightful place as a beloved memory instead of a sad one.


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## Eunoia (Nov 25, 2005)

I don't think time in itself heals wounds, yes it helps, and grief may lessen with time, but I think you also have to learn to deal w/ the grief sooner or later, especially in situations like yours. What I mean by that is simply allowing yourself to grieve, whatever that means for you.. it was my mom's mom's death day this week... I never knew her so even though she was my grandmother I feel sad about it but I am far from the feelings my mom is experiencing around this.... she gets really upset and remembers how lonely she was when my grandma was sick etc.... it's very sad. I asked her though, at the risk of her getting mad, if she only remembers the bad things (ie. the day she died) or also some of the good things on "these" days... and the reason why I asked is b/c even though this is a sad reminder and sad occasion, I think that there is so much good to be remembered from someone who has passed away... we knew them when they were alive and yet all we remember is them after they were dead.... I find that even if you can remember a moment you had w/ someone who died or smell their favorite flower etc. it can make a tremendous difference.... on the other hand, if taking this day to grieve for your sister and be sad is what you need there is no reason why you shouldn't if this is part of your healing process.... she will always be with you, even after 12 yrs, and as much as it will not get easier to have lost her, it will become easier to think of her w/ time maybe.... as you rememer the good and the bad..... I'm sorry you feel sad though....it sounds like it's really a lot to deal w/.... and from my own experiences of grieving for people, it's a process that isn't predictable and doesn't really end from one day to the next.....


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## healthbound (Nov 25, 2005)

Thanks for you replys TL and Eunoia.

I think it is good that I am sad even though it feels overwhelming and it physically hurts.

It wasn't until a few months ago that I began to remember some of our good times.  And realizing that I had forgotten fond memories was a major realization.  I was so consumed with the terrifying events of "that night" that I couldn't see anything else.  Even my sadness.

I cryed again a bit today.  I think I'll stop wearing make-up for then next few days


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## ThatLady (Nov 25, 2005)

Although grieving is difficult and makes us feel terrible, it is a necessary evil. We must undergo the process in order to put it behind us and move on with our lives.

Losing a loved one cannot be anything but painful, yet once we have succeeded in working our way through the process of grieving, we can remember the good times, the laughter, the closeness and the tears without so much anguish. We can realize the blessings this person brought into our lives and be thankful for those blessings, relishing them as a part of our lives that, while it cannot be replaced, was uniquely ours. Through this realization, the loved one takes his, or her, proper place...as a beloved and cherished memory.

Cry those tears, hon. Your sister is with you. She's alive in your heart, and in the love you still have for her.


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## healthbound (Nov 26, 2005)

Thank your for your words and support TL.  I don't feel so alone in this process.


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## comfortzone (Nov 26, 2005)

Hi Healthbound,

Think of grieving as a similar process as tearing up when  you have something in your eye.  The reason for tearing up is to clear something from your eye(s).  The grieving process is similar in that it helps you see clearly how important your sister has been in your life.  You can remember the pleasant thoughts or experiences you shared with her without feeling the pressure of her absence.  For your sister will remain in your heart and memories where you can recall your lives together.  Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.  Isn't it interesting when you take the AL away from alone you are left with one?  You are ONE surrounded by all of us here.  Take care,


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## healthbound (Nov 26, 2005)

Thank you very much comfortzone.  I really like your analogy and I sincerely appreciate that I am in your thoughts and prayers.  I am gratefully overwhelmed by both TL's and your support.


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## Eunoia (Nov 27, 2005)

I think that allowing yourself to cry about your sister and just missing her is a big part in being able to get through this... it's _okay_ to feel this way, I find that people sometimes worry (and I have done this too) that they should be "over" grieving someone they lost... but that pain stays with you, b/c they were a part of your life. What I'm trying to say though is that your sister, even though she's gone, is still a part of your life. grief has that tendency of overtaking everything so that the pain of losing someone sticks out, but as you said, you can get so overwhelmed w/ everything that you can't even see your own pain. allowing yourself to be in pain though makes this whole process so much "easier" in the end... if you feel like crying, it's okay, if you feel like remembering a good moment w/ your sister or something she taught you or what she meant to you, it's okay too.... it's all part of this. *hugs*


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## healthbound (Nov 27, 2005)

Thanks Eunoia.
It's been a bizarre road.  It seems that my mind/body/psyche got really "stuck" going around in a repetitive and never-ending loop the night she died.  As I begin to "feel" or connect more with the realities of what happened, I am becoming increasingly aware of how limited my perceptions really have been.

My brain and body continues to amaze me.  I am grateful for every progression I make that allows me to step farther and farther away from the loop.  I hate the loop.  The loop keeps me anxious and confused.  I just want to stop and cry now.  And then accept my life just as it is.

Instead of around and around and around and around...

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "it's okay to feel this way".  For whatever reasons some part of me didn't (and sometimes still doesn't) think I could, should or would need to feel my own loss for her.  I didn't think it was okay, safe, appropriate, normal, allowed, or whatever.

So, here I am doing it now...12 years later.  That's ok though.  I would rather go through this now than never.  From what I can tell, some people never get out of the loop and what a limited life that would be.

Am I even making sense?!

lol - what I meant to say was, thanks.


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## ThatLady (Nov 27, 2005)

We all grieve our losses, sweetie. If you're breaking the cycle a little late, that's okay. At least, you're breaking it and moving forward! That's what's important.


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## comfortzone (Dec 2, 2005)

Healthbound...I hope you are doing well!  Still in my thoughts.  Wishing you the best!


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## healthbound (Dec 2, 2005)

Hey thanks comfortzone.

I'm still feeling very sad.  I find that I will feel anxious and then will feel overwhelming sadness.  I've actually let it out about 3 different times now.  I'm happy to be learning how to let bits of it out without losing touch with here and now.

I'm actually really glad that I'm even feeling sad.

It is sad.  I'm sad.

I had my last of 6 anxiety management sessions today and had a major realization last week during my session (after a panic attack infront of everyone).  It relates to my sister, but is more appropriate in ptsd or anxiety...so, I'll post there now.

Your support is very meaningful.  Thank you.  I do feel very alone with my experiences and sadness, so I am grateful for your post.

Thank you.


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## Eunoia (Dec 2, 2005)

Two things:


> I'm actually really glad that I'm even feeling sad.


Any emotion is better than none so to say, b/c at least you know you're feeling _something_ instead of just feeling numb. Allowing yourself to feel sad is a good way to open up a whole new door to all of those feelings that you kept inside for so long, it's a way of processing and just letting things be...



> I do feel very alone with my experiences and sadness


You are not alone by any means. Someone may not have had the exact same experience but compassion is all that it takes to "be there" w/ you... and being willing to listen to share your pain. I understand that you may feel alone, and it's understandable... but please remember that you do have people in your life and on here who care... your son is one of those people. And in terms of support for feeling sad you have your groups, even if they're coming to an end, those people care.. therapy outside of those sessions is a good support too. What about grief groups? Have you ever thought of that? My point is, as alone as you feel, many people have lost someone close to them, not all in the same way, but you're never alone in this....


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## healthbound (Dec 2, 2005)

> "My point is, as alone as you feel, many people have lost someone close to them, not all in the same way, but you're never alone in this...."



hmmm....good point.  I'm not alone in my experience...millions of people have lost someone they love.

This is good.  Errr....not good, but....well, you know what I mean! 

Thanks Eunoia.


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## comfortzone (Dec 2, 2005)

Healthbound,

You are very welcome!  It takes time to grieve and work through the issues related to your sister. I think of all of the people I have come to know throughout my life and realize that even if they are not in my life, whether physically or because of distance, a part of that person remains in my heart and mind.  I treasure the moments I have experienced with those I have positively encountered in my life and a smile crosses my face when I recall them.  Best wishes,


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## healthbound (Dec 3, 2005)

What a wonderful way to think of people who are not physically with you.  What a wonderful way to think of memories of people too.

I still feel very sad whenever I think of my sister in any context, but I know that someday I'll be able to think of her and smile instead of cry.  Sometimes I laugh while I'm crying because I think of something funny we did.  Other times I laugh and then immediately cry.  It's ok though, I think.  I really like the idea keeping a part of someone in your heart and mind.

Also, I guess I could begin keeping some of the people I've met here in mind so I don't feel so alone.  Never really thought of that either.  I have a surplus of disturbing images, thoughts and feelings - maybe I could remember your message when I'm having panic attacks.

I always remember (unfortunately not during panic attacks) you telling me about the friend you had in school that used to have similar reactions as me (found in   Temporary Paralysis).  I remember you telling (well, writing) me that when she would have "these reactions" you would talk to her about the trees and how they swayed and how the snow was falling.  I have a very beautiful and peaceful image in my mind everytime I think of that.  I think of you comforting her and I think of the trees.  Things seem very still, quiet and beautiful there.  Grrr...but, then I feel sad again.  I don't get it.  Why would something like that evoke sadness?  Anyway, at least it doesn't turn into terror.  I like sad instead of terror.

Maybe I think of that "comfortzone" in little bits.


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## comfortzone (Dec 3, 2005)

Hi Healthbound,

Thank you for your kind words.  Being sad is normal for us humans.  It is a sign that things are the way we want them to be.  It can also be experienced when we do not feel powerful in our lives.  Being powerful is a thought and a choice.  But we cannot rush through our feelings as then we tend to get worse off than before.  

Many times we feel a certain way because we want something to be a certain way instead of preferring to be that way.  Preferences are about us being more flexible.  "Want and have to" are associated with feelings of loss.  I have learned recently to use "I am" statements.  It is a good technique to focus on the positive.  Such as, "I am able to learn new things to help me."  Please take care and know there is that special place for you in your mind and you can walk in the meadows as a gentle breeze sweep past you.


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## healthbound (Dec 3, 2005)

Hey comfortzone,

Thanks for your post.  You bring up an interesting perspective...



> Being powerful is a thought and a choice.



I question whether it's actually a choice or not.  Care to expand...?

It's interesting because depression and ptsd are the two areas where I really feel powerless...Like, no matter how hard I work or how hard I try, I can't seem to prevent certain symptoms.  I cognitively understand that (for example) I am powerless over the fact that my sister has died, BUT that I DO have control over how I perceive her death and how I handle it.  BUT again...I am only NOW learning, with the help of many therapists, how to perceive my experience of her death in a much less debilitating manner.

If it was simply about choice, then couldn't I have just decided that I didn't want the continual movie loop in my head every time I heard a ambulance or saw a person jump/fall out of something?

I am fascinated by our minds, bodies, emotions and psyche and how it relates to our internal vs external locus of control.  Ironically, I generally have a very high locus of control (maybe even to a fault), but during my adolescence, after my sister's death and recently have been 1 - 3 year periods of my life when I seem to experience a complete switch to an extremely high external locus of control.  Odd.  Well, maybe not.  I guess it comes back down to balance again.  Something I want to achieve, but struggle with.

Anyway, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about this.


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## comfortzone (Dec 4, 2005)

You are welcome Healthbound.

Is not thinking that you are "powerful" or "weak" a thought?  Do we not have control over our thoughts?  If we do not have some sort of control over our thoughts we would not have the ability to make decisions to say or to do something.  We have to have some control over how we react to the situation in our lives.  We can learn to think a particular way about ourselves but when we learn that what we are thinking about ourselves is incorrect we can reprogram our thoughts to fit that which is more accurate of a description of ourselves.  

We develop beliefs from our experiences based upon our thoughts and feelings.  If we are aware of the triggers and work to change how these triggers affect us, then we are powerful by our choices to bring about change.  Change can be difficult but it become more difficult when you think it is more difficult.  So in essence we must take responsibility for our thoughts and feelings.  If we do not, then we are subject to every whim of those whom we share our lives.

It takes time and work to change the things that can trigger us.  Such as the sound or smell of things.  But for us to change we must make A decision to do so.  Bad things can happen to us but these bad things do not need to deprive us of what we DO have.  

An external locus of control is how we see the world as small children.  We must have someone feed us, bath us and protect us from the harmful things in the world.  As we age we learn to become more self-sufficient. Sometimes our care givers do not give us the opportunity to move into self-sufficiency.  This situation can set us up to depend upon someone besides ourselves to make decisions as well as to change things for us.  

Therapy can be kind of a re-parenting for people...so that they are given the opportunity to grow, to learn, and to develop into the beautiful and wonderful individual who they are.  Healthbound...I am so thankful that you are receiving therapy!  I liked how you described how you had no power over your sister's death but how you do have control over how you perceive and react to her death.  Some one this morning said to me, "How would you feel if you knew your dad was dying?" (along those lines)  Other people there told her how everyone experiences death.  I witnessed how human beings have a hard time listening to others when they are speaking of something we are all vulnerable to.  She made her statement looking at me.  I could feel her pain and I knew that I could say nothing that could relieve her pain.  So I decided to walk over to her.  I asked her if she wanted a hug.  She said yes.  I hugged her and told her I was sorry about her father.  I think that she was able to share her pain with me and I heard her and did not try to give her anything but my support.  I realize your pain is similar as this woman's.  I can't take away your pain but we can support you THROUGH this situation.  Sending you my best,


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## healthbound (Dec 4, 2005)

Hmmm.  I have mixed feelings (or thoughts? lol) about your post.  After I wrote out a long response, I decided to delete it and simply ask your thoughts about another question I have...

1) Do you think our thoughts always preceed our feelings and then our actions - rather than feelings preceeding thoughts or actions?


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## comfortzone (Dec 4, 2005)

Healthbound,

There are many different theories regarding thoughts and feelings.  It seems as though thoughts and feelings can be simultaneous. The way that the brain is "set up" is that your executive function is your ability to reason about your feelings.  The event happens, then you think about what just happened, then you emotionally react to what just happened (based upon the thought you have as one can have a core belief that influences the way we think and feel about things).  Thoughts can involve our interpretation of the events.  When we have distorted thoughts about a particular event (usually based upon a previous experience and then a belief that was developed from it) we will react to this event with negative thoughts and thus we have negative feelings. This process can happen in a very short amount of time.    But to be specific to your question: feelings and reactions to events may appear to be first but it depends.  Such as anger, it is a secondary emotion (a reaction to feelings of hurt, frustration and etc occurs following one's thoughts regarding the precipitating event).  But you see our thoughts can be automatic resulting in a quick emotional or behavioral reaction to the event. 

I also believe that by changing our core beliefs and the resulting automatic thoughts, we can change overall perceptions, feelings, and actions.

A Greek philosopher (Epictetus) said, "The thing that upsets people is not what happens but what they think it means."


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## healthbound (Dec 4, 2005)

So...why do I need to grieve in the first place then?

Could I not simply work hard to create a new belief or perception that does not include sadness, fear, abandonment or loss?

I ask because I believe after going through extensive CBT after my sister died, I learned that I could trick my brain (thus my feelings).  If my feelings follow my thoughts, than isn't it true that I could alter my thoughts so that I don't feel at all?  In another forum when someone asked if one could consciously dissociate I responded with, "Yes, I think so because I think I chose to do so after my sister's death".

However, my "cutting off" the part of me that feels is a potential reason for why I am feeling so much about her death 12 years later.

But again, it were a simple matter of retraining my thoughts/perceptions...wouldn't I be better off just doing that then having to go through this process of feeling?

Interesting conversation.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 4, 2005)

I don't think so. having been through it myself personally as well as with many clients, I don't think CBT really works for grief. I think you have to feel it.

If you haven't read it yet, see Grief and Bereavement in Accidental or Sudden Death -- especially the parts on legacy. I think that's the key.


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## comfortzone (Dec 4, 2005)

Healthbound,

I am not suggesting that anyone shut off their feelings.  But instead try to understand their feelings in relation to their past experiences and how those past experiences are affecting the way one thinks or believes.  I was explaining the process of how we arrive at our feelings and core beliefs.   I was not implying that you stop feeling and I was not suggesting that CBT to be used for bereavement.  I am sorry that I did not explain myself well enough.  It is so different when we are in front of one another where we can see the expressions of each other.

I want to repeat what I said so you know where I am coming from regarding your sister's death and your feelings.



> Therapy can be kind of a re-parenting for people...so that they are given the opportunity to grow, to learn, and to develop into the beautiful and wonderful individual who they are.  Healthbound...I am so thankful that you are receiving therapy!  I liked how you described how you had no power over your sister's death but how you do have control over how you perceive and react to her death.  Some one this morning said to me, "How would you feel if you knew your dad was dying?" (along those lines)  Other people there told her how everyone experiences death.  I witnessed how human beings have a hard time listening to others when they are speaking of something we are all vulnerable to.  She made her statement looking at me.  I could feel her pain and I knew that I could say nothing that could relieve her pain.  So I decided to walk over to her.  I asked her if she wanted a hug.  She said yes.  I hugged her and told her I was sorry about her father.  I think that she was able to share her pain with me and I heard her and did not try to give her anything but my support.  I realize your pain is similar as this woman's.  I can't take away your pain but we can support you THROUGH this situation.  Sending you my best,


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## healthbound (Dec 5, 2005)

Hey Guys,

Thanks for both of your responses.  I've always been fascinated about resiliency, locus of control and how our perceptions, experiences and feelings relate to each other.

I realize you weren't suggesting that I (or anyone else) shut off feelings.  That one was entirely MY idea.  I know there's a lot more to CBT then I'm aware of hence, some of my questions.  And I know you are very supportive and care about my progress 

And, of course, I've got another question...

How do I know if I'm grieving within the "healthy" parameters?  How do I know when I'm finished grieving?  Is it normal to have such a hard time with emotions?

Hmmmm...just realized something...I tend to default to my analytical self when my emotions are getting too intense.  Inquisitive and analytical.  Like, if I can get into some great conversations about CBT, then I'm still learning but I'm not feeling.

Doh!

I think I'll make a bit of time for myself everyday this week when I will allow myself to just feel whatever I'm feeling.  I can be analytical for the rest of the day if I want, but I will also give myself time to feel.  Perhaps it sounds rediculous?  I am trying to allow myself to feel more so that I can create a bit more balance between my thinking and feeling (contrary to how I have functioned in the past ).


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## ThatLady (Dec 5, 2005)

I think you've hit on a plan, hon! Just let yourself feel. We don't have to assign paramaters within which our grieving must fall, nor do we need to set a date to be "finished" grieving. Our feelings are what they are. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

There is expected to be a difference between the way we process our emotions in the case of the death of someone who has lived a long, full life as opposed to how we'd process those emotions in the case of a young and vital person's death. It's not that one is valued or loved more than the other. It's just that death is expected in the first case, and is considered "normal", while in the latter case death comes unexpectedly and we aren't prepared to deal with it. The latter will bring about a longer and more difficult grieving process in most cases.

Another thing we have to realize is that we never really stop grieving the loss of someone we love. We learn to cope. We learn to miss the person without feeling such all-encompassing, paralyzing anguish. We learn to remember the good times, the laughter, and the closeness we shared. We still feel the loss, though, and we'll still have times when the tears come. It's a part of life.


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## healthbound (Dec 5, 2005)

Thanks TL,

Today I feel panic, sad and very sick to my stomach.  I'm also aware that I desperately want to "give up" on my day and go back to bed.  But, I'm not going to.  After I got up and looked at everything I had to do today I felt worse, so I decided to take a couple off my list.

Thank God I have an appointment with my therapist in about 45 mins.


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## healthbound (Dec 6, 2005)

My appointment with A was good.  I cried for about 40 minutes and we talked about my feelings of disappointment in my mom, dad and sister for "giving up".

We talked about how I'm able to incorporate feelings into my life now and how I'm finally learning how to feel them for short periods of time.  Like, after my son went to bed last night and I was washing my face I just began to cry and then cry more when I had my face in the towel so I wouldn't wake him up.  I did this for about 10mins and then stopped.

I'm learning how to balance and not become as overwhelmed with my emotions.  Before they would overtake me, but I can now let bits out for short periods of time without dissociating or having a panic attacks.  Sometimes I still have the panic attacks, but not all times, so this is success.

I also talked to her about the looming relevance of the death date itself and how I would like to learn how to think differently about it.  I want to honor my sister, but I don't want to feel like I'm preparing for a nuclear bomb.  The fact is that I think it's going to be like it was, but it can never be like that again because that night already happened.  I can make peace with it and slowly let it go now.  There is no purpose for me to harbor some of those memories as closely as I do.

Even the date.  If I really wanted to, I could honor her on December 8th instead of the 9th.  I can do whatever I want.  What an enormous relief that is.  Don't know if I'll do that, but I could if I wanted to.

It is a day and it will see the sun rise and it will see the sun fall.  And then that day will pass and another one will come.

I think this is kind of what you might have been getting at previously, comfortzone?

Anyway, just random thoughts.


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## healthbound (Dec 6, 2005)

And another thing.  I'm mad.  I don't recall feeling disappointed about her death in the past because I always felt I understood exactly why she did it.  But I feel very disappointed now.


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## healthbound (Dec 6, 2005)

> If you haven't read it yet, see Grief and Bereavement in Accidental or Sudden Death -- especially the parts on legacy. I think that's the key.



I just read this, db.  Thank you very much for posting this link, I found it very helpful and validating.  I also didn't realize that you had experienced sudden loss and reading about your experiences helped me feel less alone in mine.  I KNOW others go through loss, but I don't KNOW them.

Do you still feel overwhelmingly sad sometimes?


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 6, 2005)

Yes. A little less often overwhelmingly so as time goes on, and I can remember a lot more of the positive things about her life - both of them.

You never "get over" losing someone. You just learn how to live with it and how to force it to mean something.


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## healthbound (Dec 6, 2005)

I look forward to remembering more of the positive things about her life (and mine!) after I work through the disturbing ones.


I liked what you wrote about legacy in your article.

I want to somehow positively impact suicide prevention and mental health awareness.  lol...One of the positive things I thought could come of my blog was that someone might identify with what I wrote about.  Or maybe the blog would help increase awareness of suicide and mental health.

I would also like to use some of my art as a communication vehicle.  I'm certainly no Van Gogh, but when I was younger and I discovered his work, I felt like he knew what I was feeling.  It would be nice if I could do that for others.

I even researched an idea about promoting artists with mental illness.  I actually found a local art gallery that does just that.  I e-mailed them and intend on becoming involved with them on some level in the near future.

Suicide is still so taboo yet deaths by suicide are extremely high.  I will help positively impact education and awareness somehow in the coming years.

I know I'll never "get over" losing her.  But I do hope that someday it gets less overwhelming.  She was very important to me and I miss and love her a lot.

Thanks again for posting that link to your article.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 6, 2005)

I'm gald it resonated, healthbound. I think your ideas of how to use what happened to you and your sister for a positive purpose are excellent. Good luck...


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## healthbound (Dec 6, 2005)

Thank you.  I'll keep ya posted


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## Eunoia (Dec 7, 2005)

I don't know if this interests you at all and it certainly is only a suggestion and one way of making a difference, but what about giving talks at high schools, even campuses? clearly you could do this w/ workplaces too and community centres etc. but I was just thinking of where I 1st got to hear about these kind of issues and how that impacted me and to tell you the truth it was all in high school... we had a lot of speakers come in and talk about drunk driving, sex, drugs, eating disorders, and suicide (as well as others) and as much as it was a nice break from regular classes, I remember a lot of people sitting in the audiences in each one of these talks, being affected one way or the other... some cried, others just listened, some knew too well what the topic was about, others had no idea but left w/ a greater understanding, tools to use as resources, and a more open attitude in general... often, this kind of learning can be underappreciated, but it has the potential to make a huge difference in someone's life, espcially when at such a young age. I don't know, it's just an idea... talks about a topic are usually boring to hs kids but hearing someone's personal story can make all the difference in the world.


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## healthbound (Dec 7, 2005)

Hey Eunoia,

Excellent suggestion.  In fact, before my sister died I was working on a Federal Grant doing presentations to high school students.  I was "telling my story" about my experiences with dropping out of school, running away from home as well as using drugs and alcohol.

I loved it.  It's strange because sometimes I forget about my life before my sister's death.  I forget that I had already experienced so much and had also overcome so much at such a young age.

I have never done something as intrinsically rewarding as working with youth.  I also spoke at businesses, organizations and associations (like ICBC, MADD, Teachers Union etc).  Back then it was more peer to peer as I started doing presentations when I was 17 (at 17 I had finally gone into detox and a live-in treatment center to quit drinking and stop using drugs, but I had been in and out of 12 step programs since I was 15.  And actually, after 6 years of being clean and sober, when my sister died, I started drinking again).  I was able to provide my peers with a "real" story about where drugs, alcohol and dropping out could take you.  The presentations seemed very effective as I always had tons of questions, letters and invitations to come back.  One guy even confided in me that he was suicidal.  As far as I know, he didn't end up doing it.

I felt that I couldn't go back and do presentations after my sister died for a number of reasons, but I hadn't really thought about going back to do them about different issues (however along the same lines) now.

Very interesting.  I will think about that.  I like that it would create awareness at the age when lots of these issues come up or are about to come up.  Also, the topics themselves are interesting to youth and because I have personal experience with suicide, depression and living with a parent who had periods of psychosis - it makes sense.  I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist...but, I definitely have lots of experience in these areas!

Hm..lots to think about.  I'm not ready quite yet (I'd just get up there and either dissociate or start crying! ), but definitely something to think about.

Thanks!


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## healthbound (Dec 16, 2005)

Hi Everyone.  I took a much needed "break" after my sister's death date (a week ago today).

December 9th came and went and no nuclear bomb went off and I lived.  I decided to visit her grave on the Wednesday before because I felt like it.  I thought this was good because I usually put so much emphasis on the actual death date.  I am trying to remember that it is just a calendar date and I can remember her or visit her any time I want.

This year I learned how to feel sad and even angry about her death.  I learned that I could feel my sadness for 5 to 10 minutes at a time and then I can go back to doing whatever I was doing.  I learned that feeling sad was better than being anxious or panicked because it allowed me to direct more energy towards remembering her instead of only focusing on a scary date.  It also allowed me to realize how sad and lonely I am sometimes.

Hm.  I'm finding this post a bit difficult to write.  I feel disconnected and confused.  I think I was so relieved that the day passed and I didn't die, go into shock or re-experience what I did 12 years ago that I disconnected as soon as I could??

I don't know.  Or maybe it wasn't as difficult to stay disconnected after the date had passed - so I went back to "normal".

Or maybe I AM just normal and this is normal.  One thing's clear...I'm back to over-analyzing!!

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive (OK...now I know what it is...I feel sad).  I'm very grateful that I had these forums to come to - day or night.  I wish I could express how much this has meant, but words don't seem to do much justice so a simple thank you will have to suffice.

Thank you.


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## ThatLady (Dec 17, 2005)

It's thanks enough just to know you've come so far, hon.


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## healthbound (Dec 17, 2005)

Thanks, TL.

I feel like I'm making progress.

...now, if I could just be a bit less self absorbed...lol.


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## Eunoia (Dec 18, 2005)

> ...I usually put so much emphasis on the actual death date. I am trying to remember that it is just a calendar date and I can remember her or visit her any time I want


this is something my mom always used to point out; that you can grieve loosing someone whenever and wherever you are. just like you can believe in religion "X" whenever and wherever you are, and not just Sunday mornings in a church (I'm not religious, but I think this is a big concept to understand). she for example isn't physically able to go to the graves of people she has lost in her life (moved) but this doesnt' mean she can't grieve their loss or remember them in some way... something like a flower or a sunny day or a certain meal might trigger her to make the connection,.... I don't know if this makes sense. but it's nice to see that you _can_ remember someone without sadness all the time and that you can do so whenever you feel the need to. 

I have a horrible time w/ death dates of people who I have lost in my life too, none of them like your loss I would imagine, but my point is when those dates come around, I almost feel obligated in some weird way to be sad that day and expect this tragedy to happen (as you said)... but if I think about it, that doesn't make any sense. it won't bring them back to life if I choose to be miserable that day. If I _am_ miserable then that's one thing but expecting to be so is almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy... I think it's _okay_ to be "okay" on that date. you know you love your sister and you know you miss her. you don't need some kind of technical thing (date, time, calendar etc.) to know this. just like she's always with you wherever you go and always a part of you no matter what.


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## healthbound (Dec 18, 2005)

Hey Eunoia - thanks.

Another weird spin on my perceptions about her death date -

I've noticed that after her death date, I was very relieved for a few days (relieved that the whole thing didn't happen over again) followed by feeling very disconnected.  Interestingly, I also had 2 nightmares about her last week, but felt like I wasn't "supposed" to have them because the date had passed.

My perception about the calendar date being so important also means that I'm only "supposed" to have nightmares before December 9th and I'm "allowed" to feel anything about her death before or on the date.

I noticed that when I felt sad after the date, I was surprised and told myself that I wasn't allowed to think about her anymore because the date had passed.

Hm.  Maybe that's why I've been so dissociated lately.  I'm still feeling everything I felt before the 9th, but I'm not "allowing" myself to feel it.

Geeze.  I really do have a large gap between my thoughts and emotions.

I did a painting that I called "Thinking Meets Feeling" a while ago that was about me amalgamating those parts of me.  Maybe it's not so much that they meet each other but more that I simply allow them to BE!  lol.


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## comfortzone (Dec 18, 2005)

Healthbound,

I would love to see your painting.  I am sure it is good!  Over-analyzing can be used as a way to problem solve.  If you have a desk or closet that needs sorting...it might be a good time to do so...it can help you sort things out in your head as you sort the physical things in your closet or desk.  I am glad to read your posts as I was just wondering about you.  Best wishes,


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## healthbound (Dec 18, 2005)

Hey Comfortzone!

As a matter of fact, I DO have a closet that needs sorting!!!  Hahaha.  Great advice and I think I will make time to do that tomorrow.

On another note, I've been walking everyday!!  This is something I've been trying to incorporate back into my life for over a year now.  I'm only walking a very short distance, but I'm out there doin' it!  I'm so ready and so glad that I'm finally getting back into exercise.  And I mention it because running used to help balance me out a bit by giving my head a break and focusing on something physical for a while.

Thanks for the simple, but great advice!


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## comfortzone (Dec 18, 2005)

You are so welcome Healthbound!  Walking is such a good thing for us all!  I would walk outside here but it has been so cold!  It is supposed to warm up next week!  Let's hope so for my walking sake.  Take care.


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## Eunoia (Dec 18, 2005)

that's a lot of "supposed to's" and rules about how to feel, and when to feel, and justifying those feelings or lack thereof. Sounds exhausting but it makes so much sense when you're in the middle of all of that. Just remember that in the end your way of doing things is what works for you, there isn't one best way you have to follow w/ this. do what feels right, not what you _think_ you _should or should not_ do. it's so good that you've found things to do that work for you... painting and exercise are great ways (along w/ talking, lol!) to get in touch with your emotions and just get a break from overanalyzing things... do you ever display your paintings? if you wanted to, unless you want your alone time, you could go for walks with a friend to make it more of a habit and just enjoy some down time....


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