# Sometimes a plan, sometimes a thought



## Little_Girl_Blue (Aug 13, 2007)

I don't feel as bad as I have felt these past few weeks, when the only option in my mind was to end my life after I leave my job in a couple of months.  Now that feels like less of a plan and more of a thought.

It's clear that these are _only_ thoughts. Thoughts I have had since I was 11 (and actually as early as 5, collective suicide was my perceived solution for pain and grief). 

I don't have anywhere to go with my life after I finish my job. I certainly don't want to work there anymore. I don't really want to work anywhere. And I don't want to study anymore - I wouldn't even be able to get into any graduate programs. I don't have anything to offer to the world. And yes, it is because I don't want to try. It's simple,  I am self-defeating and, logically, because of that I will never get anywhere, I will never succeed. 

I get mad that my parents gave birth to me. I didn't ask for life. I get so unimaginably angry when people go about trying to have kids - they should adopt the unwanted ones instead of creating more individuals who are going to feel lost in the world. And this from someone who has very loving and well-intentioned parents.

The fact is, the world doesn't need anymore people like me. And what keeps me back? Stupid guilt. Back when I starved myself, I did it consciously hoping I'd get a heart attack or something. Would have made me feel less guilty if I had gone that way. My parents wouldn't have been so angry. But causing your death from one minute to the next...that's much harder.


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## just mary (Aug 13, 2007)

Hi Blue,

Is there anything you like to do, something that makes you feel kind of good for a few minutes? If so, try it.  Sometimes when I'm feeling like you are, I try to get out and away from the house, go for a walk, try to be with other people (not neccessarily interacting with them - just watching them) or call someone.  

Are you seeing anyone on a professional basis, like a therapist?  If not, maybe you should try talking to someone, someone who can give you a bit of help or guidance.  If I'm reading your post right, it sounds as though your finishing post-secondary school and heading into the work-a-day world.  That's a big transition for most people. Of course some people handle it with no problems but I think for most of us, it is a bumpy road at the very least, and sometimes you can't even see the road.

And I think you contribute to our world, I haven't had a chance to really get to know you but your posts have always been helpful and comforting.  

Take care,

jm


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## Into The Light (Aug 13, 2007)

Little_Girl_Blue said:


> I don't have anything to offer to the world.



i believe everyone has something to offer the world. it doesn't have to be career related. it can be friendship, a good deed, doing something to brighten someone else's day. it doesn't have to be for people either. you could rescue a pet from a  shelter and take care of it. if you have a garden you could plant some pretty flowers and brighten up the neighbourhood that way. all sorts of things.



> it is because I don't want to try.


i think the not wanting to try is a symptom of the depression. how often have i just let myself wallow in feeling depressed simply because it was easier? i think this may be a helpful article to you: The many don'ts of depression.


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## ThatLady (Aug 13, 2007)

Blue, "never" is a very big word. It encompasses far too much time for us to really grasp. In my experience, when I was absolutely sure that something would "never" happen, I often found that it did happen, in time. The "never" was just my thoughts making something bigger, and worse than it was.

It sounds like you suffer from depression. Depression makes us tend to find the worst in all things, and ignore the best in many things. It's part of the disease process. When you've worked your way through the depression and learned to live without it, and cope with life on a realistic basis, you'll find that those "nevers" didn't exist. :hug:


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## Little_Girl_Blue (Aug 14, 2007)

Yes, I may be depressed. Maybe it's chemical, maybe just situational. If it's the latter, there's not a lot of hope because I am not in the position to pull myself out of it or change things around me - nor am I willing to have anybody help.

I don't know what course to take. I'm not giving myself many options.

Thank you all for your comments and for taking the time to read this overly dramatic thread.


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## ThatLady (Aug 14, 2007)

> Yes, I may be depressed. Maybe it's chemical, maybe just situational. If it's the latter, there's not a lot of hope because I am not in the position to pull myself out of it or change things around me - nor am I willing to have anybody help.
> 
> I don't know what course to take. I'm not giving myself many options.



If you realize this, I find myself wondering why you continue to deny yourself, Blue. I believe you *do* know the course to take. You're just not willing to take it, for some reason. The only way to overcome a problem is to approach the problem with an open mind, brainstorm possible solutions to the problem, and get to work. I think anyone here will tell you it's worth the work.


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## Little_Girl_Blue (Aug 19, 2007)

I've been trying recently to contact a therapist in my area. I'm having trouble finding somebody who speaks English, but I'll keep trying. 

I decided I should go through with this the day I had a mini meltdown triggered by pressures from people at work. I guess most people would have handled it fine, but I felt really lost and panicked and _<edit: made plans to self-injure>_ (all in private, of course). But then I was able to release some of my stress later on by talking to a coworker (luckily someone asked me to join them for lunch when I was planning on sitting around not eating and _<edit: acting on those plans>_)... and talking really made me feel much better and I thought for a while that I really was ok and could handle things and didn't need any more therapy. That lasted until I had a talk with my parents about my future. And then I broke down, lost all hope and realized that the day before I had made a mess on my leg _<edit: by self-injuring>_. Not that I wasn't aware I had done it, but I wasn't aware that it was a problem, if you know what I mean. THe fact that I don't see that as a problem made my parents go back to the therapy thing, which of course makes me feel like a failure in many ways. Part of me still feels like therapy won't help me anymore because I'm basically well, but I'll give it a go anyway. I can pay for it myself now that I've made some money with work.

_<admin edit: please don't post graphic details which may be triggering to other Psychlinks members - see Forum Rules>_


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## Retired (Aug 19, 2007)

According to your profile, I believe you are in Switzerland.  If so, Arose, in what part of the Country are you located.

My understanding is there is a substantial English speaking community in Geneva

The English community comprises clubs under the umbrella of the Federation of Anglo Swiss Clubs which may be able to point you in the direction of English speaking medical services.

Another resource might be the embassy of your Country which may be able to direct you.


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## Little_Girl_Blue (Aug 20, 2007)

TSOW said:


> According to your profile, I believe you are in Switzerland.  If so, Arose, in what part of the Country are you located.
> 
> My understanding is there is a substantial English speaking community in Geneva
> 
> ...



Yes, I'm sure I'd have better luck in Geneva, but I'm in a small city in the German-speaking part, and the American Embassy only has two names on its list of English-speaking therapists. I'm having trouble getting somebody to answer the phone because the only time I have to call is after work or during my lunch break...and things tend to close down during lunch and the Swiss never work past 6pm. I just have to keep trying. But thanks for the advice.


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