# Shame



## pocono (Jan 20, 2008)

I've decided to take what feels like a big risk and write about the cause of my recent suicide attempt.  The shame is so acute.  I thought perhaps if I write about it here it might help.  It is a risk though.  It might backfire.  Here goes....

This will have to be somewhat long.  Apologies.

3 1/2 years ago I experienced a very acute episode of dissociation and depression.  I was wracked with guilt feelings over some sexual "acting out" I did when I was younger.  I was married when I was 20.  I had some extramarital sexual encounters between ages 20-24.  Twice I slept with my brother-in-law.  Always alcohol was a factor, but nonetheless, what I did was terrible.

When this episode happened I was having flash backs from the faces of all the men I was with from age 16-24.  It was terrible.  I had to tell someone what I had done.  (My husband never and still does not know).  I told a very close older male friend and my therapist (who I started to see after this event).

In the middle of this acute distress I got caught up in what I can best describe as a story or a fantasy -- that I was raped by my father and brother.  I told my therapist and this very close male friend that that happened.  For the past 3 1/2 years I haved experienced "real" flashbacks related to this fantasy, and I have leaned heavily on this therapist and my friend to get me through terrible depression and flashbacks.  I even wrote some about the trauma and flashbacks on this board.

I actually started to do better in therapy.  The depression was nearly gone and I was thinking of leaving therapy.  Then, all of a sudden, I just opened up to my therapist and told him the truth.....that I wasn't really raped by my father and brother.   He, amazingly, took the news in stride and has been trying to help me understand why I would have concocted such a story -- what purpose it would serve.

But the shame of it all was/is just too much for me.  I took the overdose a few weeks after coming clean.  Since then i decided to tell my good friend, and I have probably ruined that relationship as a result.  The loss of such a good friend, who understandably feels betrayed and used by me feels like too much to bear.

I feel so terrible about myself.........like such a crazy, deceitful person.  I still haven't told my husband the truth (probably will not), which is also a burden.

There is no one else to talk with about this beside my therapist.  I wish I could meet someone else who has done something similiar so I wouldn't feel so alone and crazy.

I don't know what people on this board will think of me.  I certainly don't think very much of myself.  The irony is that those who know me would describe me, I think, as incredibly honest with real integrity.

I don't know how or why I did what I did.


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## Into The Light (Jan 20, 2008)

i can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. there must have been some sort of reason for all of this. i am sure that in time you will figure it out with your therapist.

you've been through a lot and it's going to take time to recover from this. i think  ultimately healing from all this will involve forgiving yourself. despite everything that has happened you are not a bad person.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 20, 2008)

:hug: :hug: 

It will be ok.


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## lallieth (Jan 20, 2008)

Pocono

I  grew up in a household full of upheaval,never a moment where there wasn't confrontation,arguing etc and so as a child this became "normal" to me..As an adult,I went through a marriage pretty much like my childhood background.Constant stress and upheaval,as I thought that all families/marriages were like this and ironically,it was what I knew and felt comfortable in that situation

During my 2nd marriage,it was pretty much smooth sailing,life was more calm,marriage was good,but I WORKED to create upheaval.I purposely caused stress and confrontation,because you see,calm,centered WASNT "normal" to me...it wasn't an environment I knew how to deal with and it made me uncomfortable.

It took me a while to learn that I can live a life of calm and happiness,that constant stress/upheaval wasn't the norm and I didn't have to live that life anymore.

What Iam saying is,we get comfortable in our roles and own situations,change is scary because its the unknown,and perhaps in your case,you were feeling really good and ready to leave therapy,but maybe deep inside,that good feeling,wasn't "normal" to you and so you felt the need to create a situation.

So you did things that you aren't proud of in the past,so have I,we have all told lies at one time,and hurt people,but that is in the past...you have learned a valuable lesson from it.

Take what you have learned about yourself and apply it to today and tomorrow.Don't feel ashamed for making mistakes,we are all human and ALL make mistakes.


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## Halo (Jan 20, 2008)

First of all Pocono I want to say that you are very courageous for opening up to us on here and sharing your story...I truly think that you are a strong person for doing that.

Second, I do not think any less of you or think badly of you because of what you have revealed.  

I too think there obviously was a reason that you created this fantasy and with the help of your therapist you will get to the bottom of it.  I am confident that in time you will work through this issue and come to terms with the shame that you feel.

I know that you are probably feeling a lot right now but just remember that besides having your therapist to talk to, you also have us.  We are here for you anytime.

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## pocono (Jan 20, 2008)

Into the Light, Janet, Lallieth and Halo,

Thank you.  I checked this board with much fear, wondering what people would say about what I have done.

I am so ashamed and so sorry, it is hard to even put these feelings into words.


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## adaptive1 (Jan 20, 2008)

You know what, I have been a victim of assault and I dont think any less of you. I think we all make mistakes and sometimes we even start to believe the lies we tell, in my case, I have also done some done things that I am not proud of, I bet everyone has, the lies are usually because I was afraid to tell the truth. Afraid of what it might bring or afraid that I would be judged or that I wasnt equiped to deal with the truth. I really dont think you have hurt anyone else, please just see you are very courageous for admitting what you have done, I hope you can forgive yourself and move forward.


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## ladylore (Jan 21, 2008)

Hey Pocono,

You are courageous for sharing what you have. That is a big step. People make mistakes, some big and not so big.

As a recovering addict I can say that I have made some doozies - I can't undo them. What is done is done but what I have done is vowed never to act in those ways again. I have also "given back" to my community to help right some of those wrongs.

In short, amends can be made. You made a mistake, you have admitted it and now you can make amends and move on. Feelings of guilt are healthy for all of us but shaming yourself to such an extent that you are harming yourself isn't ok. You don't deserve that.

Through therapy figure out why it happened and do all you can to not repeat it. You are human like the rest of us - and we are not perfect - so please take yourself give yourself a bit of a break - sounds like their are a few natural consequences happening anyways and you don't deserve to add more then what is already happening.

:hug:


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## pocono (Jan 21, 2008)

Ladylore,

Thank you for sharing your own personal experience.  I've actually thought about attending AA meetings.  I don't have a drinking problem, but I've thought I might take some comfort in the fact that others, too, have done things they are ashamed of and found a way to cope and even heal.

I'm having a difficult night.  I have a tough day at work tomorrow, and I'm anxious that my depression and anxiety will prevent me from doing a good job.  I haven't been able to do any work today to help me get ready.  I've lost all of my confidence in my ability to do my job.  I don't trust myself on so many levels.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust myself again.


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## braveheart (Jan 22, 2008)

Have _you_ ever been trusted? It can be hard to trust yourself when you've not been trusted. Everyone is worthy of trust, everyone makes mistakes. 
What are your worries about work today?


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## Into The Light (Feb 9, 2008)

pocono, i've been thinking of you, and wondering how you are right now. i hope you're ok. let us know.


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