# Thinking about ending it all



## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

I have been trying to hold on day after day and I just cant keep doing it...this is my last hope...I don't want to keep causing pain to those I love and i do...they see me suffer everyday and not get better...I am worthless and have no purpose in life...I have no friends and probably never will...I have lost my home and we are struggling so bad to make ends meet...and I can not contibute due to my mental and physical health....I do not want to live anymore I really don't but I don't know what else to do...I have so many ideas and plans but have not done nothing thus far...I have tried several times in the past only the past couple were really intended...the others I guess you could say  were a form of self-harm...but now I just feel like I am not needed anymore..I know my family would be greatly hurt by my passing but I fear they suffer far more by my everyday endless suffering...I do not know what to do anymore I am at the end of all rational thought and reason...I do not even really know why I am here except one last shred of hope...I am tired of the arguing tired of not sleeping tired of not wanting to eat..tired of being tired...tired of failing...tired of being hated..etc..etc...


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## adaptive1 (Oct 25, 2010)

Please dont give up, it will get better.  Despite how it may look to you, your family would not get over it. PLease keep looking for solutions I have felt how you have felt and it was really just a few years ago and now theres just so much I want to do, there are still struggles but it gets better. 

Someone else will give you a much better reply than me, take that shread of hope and hold on to it.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

I have been trying to hold on to it but it is slipping away from me ever so much more with each passing day...for years I had held out hope that it would get better but it hasnt it only seem to get worse.....my family would suffer much and would not get over it I know but they can not go on seeing me like this either...so the only thing I have come up with is isolating in some remote location where nobody could ever find or see me again...but dont see that happening either


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## Daniel (Oct 25, 2010)

Do you have health insurance at this time?    If not, you may benefit from some low-cost or free mental health counseling services, e.g:  2-1-1 Call Center Search.  Catholic Family Services and some university outpatient clinics are some examples.

With suicidal thinking, you would probably benefit from taking a SSRI.  Have you been on a SSRI recently?

As you may know, there is also a national suicide hotline:  _1-800_-273-_TALK_ 

I would also recommend going to the library and getting a copy of any book by David Burns, especially the book _Feeling Good_, which has a chapter on challenging suicidal thinking: "Defeating Hopelessness & Suicide."
Also, there is a free chapter on hopelessness in another book, _Beating the Blues_:  "Nothing Works Out: How to Challenge Your Hopelessness"



> I fear they suffer far more by my everyday endless suffering.


Such irrational guilt is a common symptom of depression.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

No I do not have health care I did before I moved to another state but now I do not qualify...I was taking Seroquel, and Lamictal..dont know what they are other than the seroquel is an antipsychotic...I was on that for my moods and for sleep..and for sleep i was on that plus ambien lunesta amityptylene clonazapam which i took all every night..and on darvocets for fibromyalgia and arthritis along with flexeril so not quite sure what is what really other than a couple pain med and muscle relaxer what is 2 1 1?...I have never heard of it been off all medications for over a year now including the one for my diabetes so I am a real mess...I have been through so much therapy and DBT and all sorts of classes and read so many books i think my brain is on overload of info...I know what needs to be done I guess I just believe I am meant to suffer because every tiime I try to change my thinking process or what I do when I get emotional it always backfires on me...people always told me to stop reading books on mental health because it defeats my purpose...what is that suppose to mean anyways...I have always had suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember but have seldom acted on it...but I feel so wacked out I cant even think rationally anymore..all I think about is that...Its what I dream at night it is  what I think about during the day...it is always there now and never leaves..like a shadow following me everywhere


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## Daniel (Oct 25, 2010)

> I know what needs to be done I guess I just believe I am meant to suffer  because every tiime I try to change my thinking process or what I do  when I get emotional it always backfires on me...



Can you give an example?  What about doing things in "baby steps"?


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

I make a list of things I am good at and things I love to do....I try to do one thing on that list ...but I end up trying to do them all...I  cant stick with just one thing ever...just like my house...I start in 0ne room and end up trying to do the whole thing at one time one room to another back to another etc...I dont know what baby steps are...my mind is racing so bad I cant even type with out all the mistakes and ahaving to go back and correct them...my mind is always just spinning and I am so dizzy from it I am going to fall over


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## Daniel (Oct 25, 2010)

> I dont know what baby steps are...


Breaking stuff down into steps that are small enough so that one feels/realizes that one is progressing rather than failing.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 25, 2010)

You listed a number of medications you said you *were* on. Are you taking any now?


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

Daniel I think thats what I try to do but like i said I end up going faster and faster until I have so much piled up I give up...like my house ha vent cleaned it in a week....David...no I am not currently on anything with me moving like I did I ended up going cold turkey on all of them when I ran out of refills....so it has been over a year now and no sleep and no peace of mind....it is the longest I have been without them ever....


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 25, 2010)

I would suggest that you need to get back on the medications as soon as possible.

See:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-medication-assistance-for-the-uninsured.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...free-or-cheaper-prescription-medications.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-ssi/15815-can-t-afford-your-medications.html


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

I would if i could...but with no insurance  iacn not afford to pay for thm i have meds left for pain an dthats it....I have been listeniin to eveyron around me telling me I don need them and that they didn no good for me but I knew they workd but right now I just dont think anythig would help it would take months for meds to get built back up.and with no sleep i cant think...i go days with out and then i get a couple hours...I am lost and screwed up i htink beyond any help maybe..i cant stop cryin yet I am told cryin is fo babies so i gues i am a baby..sorry i am a mess and am rambling cant seem to shut up..

---------- Post added at 09:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 PM ----------

ahh see here I have not seen a doctor yet because no insurance so he couldnt help me...sounds so familar..lost our home after five years lost pets because of it had to move away frm my family my mom so misses me my one daugher misses me my otehr says i shouldnt have left and she blames me for no seeing Landon grow uup...she is mad aat me my older son blames me for him being in jail...i ugess it is my fualt...even my 11yr old who didnt want ot move here now does not want to move bakc when i do..so i am screwed no matter whatn i choose to do i cnat make everybody happy


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## Daniel (Oct 25, 2010)

It may be a waste of time, but it wouldn't hurt to call the United Way (211) as one way to search for any low-cost psychiatry services in your area.   Most people in the U.S. are located near community mental health clinics that often offer sliding-scale fees.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

oh ok maybe i can make sense of that..im not vry bright...i guess should h ave know what that was..like the 411..i looked up united way last week online and couldnt make heads or tails out of the  site..im not very good at computers either..guess just another thing to add to my list..well i think im gonna g o fo a hike up the mountain..its late out shoul be nobody out and abou this time of night ..the stars are out and looks to be a good night for star watching..maybe that is good....besides  i think i talk to much..should learn to  keep quiet like eveyone says..never know when to shut up..thanks for the talk


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 25, 2010)

Did you see what i added to my post above?



David Baxter said:


> See:
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-medication-assistance-for-the-uninsured.html
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...free-or-cheaper-prescription-medications.html
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-ssi/15815-can-t-afford-your-medications.html


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## SilverRaven (Oct 25, 2010)

well  walking didnt help none...and yes I did see that but it says you have to have a doctor write you a script?...if  i read it right.. ia am not seeing well right now....so pardon my errors...I do not have a doctor anymore since i moved here...i checked into some local programs here and i do not qualify for htose so not sure bu i am will check again tomorow ...just wish i could sleep..maybe that would help some...and eat something but cant do either and i been taking lots of over the counter sleep aids and taht dont work either...i am tired my brain is tired...i just cant think anymore..i thought walking would ease the thoughts but it didnt..now i hurt so bad ..i am goin to check one of the other links you put up


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 25, 2010)

Oh, yes, of course you're right about that.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 26, 2010)

my husbands income is to high for me to qualify for medicaid so we are all out of insurance...my SSI is based on his income since i didnt have enough work credits....and so I dont get money from them or insurance...if I was back in wisconsin I would be on it regardless.. but i was stupid and idiotic to think moving to another state was a good idea...now i stuck here with no help at all and bill piliing up all over medical bills over five thousand here jsut because of an accident ....grrrrrr i am agitated beyond agitated....nothing i do seems to be the right choice....nothing i do is every good enough  for anyone.....aaaaarrrrghhhhhgggggrrrrr.. I HATE it here....and i am really starting to loath myself even more  for thinking i can do anything right...and I have been hiding my feelings for a year now and I jsut cant do it anymore...I would just love to ....grrrrr never mind i am going way off base...I see no hope...not unless I can get back home...and by the looks of that  iam stuck here another god awful year...

---------- Post added October 26th, 2010 at 04:11 PM ---------- Previous post was October 25th, 2010 at 11:23 PM ----------

I got to thinking today...you asked if I was taking anything now does that include over the counter?..cause I take a bunch of sleep aids I get at walmart to try and get sleep...I go through a bottle of 100 every three days to maybe two weeks depending on how many I take at once...they get me at least two maybe three hours sleep max...but have been trying to avoid them due to the fact I adjust very quickly to meds and I end up taking more and more one reason I have over 100 or so pain pills left to...they dont work so why take them right?...at least thats my thinking...well dont know if this was including over the counter or not thought I would ask anyways..


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## Daniel (Oct 26, 2010)

> .I go through a bottle of 100 every three days to maybe two weeks depending on how many I take at once...


Certainly, taking that much of anything in 3 days would be an overdose.

If your husband can afford cable TV and DSL or other amenities like that, you should be able to afford to see a doctor at a sliding-scale rate.


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 26, 2010)

You're taking 100 sleeping aids in three days and it doesn't affect you? 

That seems like a bad idea to me.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 27, 2010)

No they do not affect me anymore...like I said I am oh what does the doctor call it...I am resilient to medication after being on them for so long...I adjust to certain medication even quicker than others...I get maybe a couple hours or so thats it...if I even sleep...I have been up for three and four days before getting sleep...so no they dont work...I wish they did...and no we do not have cable or satelite or DSL we have dial up for internet nothing more...as far as t.v. goes we watch the same DVDs day in and day out...or not at all...I miss my cable and broadband very much so and hate this dial up crap I am using..we can not afford such stuff after losing our home...after losing a truck...after all the bills piling up every month...look...I went from a 2088 sq ft home and a carriage style garage with a loft I used as my get away to moving out of state into a tiny tiny 650 sq home that  cant even hold all our things...I had to give away pets that I had loved for six years because the landlord said only four cats and one dog...so I have given up so much along with my family to try and make it work and its not working.......we make barely enough to pay the rent and pay the heat and lights...we barely have enough to put food in our house......so no I cant afford a sliding scale so to speak...that 15 and up would put a meal in my house for two days...which some days we are lucky to  have ramen noodles for supper...so yes I am feeling really crappy and angry and a  whole lot more because I cant do a thing to help him out...I cant work due to my  seizures and other crap but yet my disability gets cut..that is  why I have had the most outrageous thoughts for a week now...I cant take it anymore...I am living one moment at a time and it is getting no better...one less mouth to feed would be a help at least in my thinking it is...ok I am really upset just thinking of it all agian...and united way is located in other areas of Virginia but not serving my area..so I am told...so yes I have been looking but not finding anything...I guess living in the middle of nowhere miles from anything was a bad idea...and what I am finding online tells me the same thing..they serves  certain areas of the state but not close to me...so yes I am trying but oh so ready to jsut say ......it..sorry I am ranting I apologize been doing that alot lately


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## Daniel (Oct 27, 2010)

> which some days we are lucky to  have ramen noodles for supper..


Even if you are not eligible for an EBT card ("food stamps"), most counties have a food bank, such as at a local church.  (The FDA prevents its beneficiary food banks from asking people for documentation, so it's usually entirely on the honor system regarding eligibility. And being on SSI is usually more than enough to qualify.)  At the food bank I volunteer at, they offer two bags of groceries a month.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 27, 2010)

we use to have an EBT card until he started working..if you working you get nothing...food pantry thou never thought of that...I figured you had to go to church to get help from them or something like that.....I just dont know what else to do...I will call around tomorow and see what that does for us


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## dazey (Oct 27, 2010)

I have tried suicide a few times.  _{details removed}_


I have thought about it a few times after that, but I have too much to live for. I have two wonderful children, wonderful parents, and a loving boyfriend. Oh yeah I have three puppies too. I am getting another one for Christmas. My mother always tells me, be glad you have a roof over your head and food to eat. 

I am on disability for bi-polar. I fought for three years to get it. I get $866 a month. Medicare and Medicaid pay for my medications which are $1,000 a month. They pay for my glasses and my teeth. I do not get food stamps. I make too much. I have been having a lot of female problems beside my mental health issues. Life is hard somedays, but if I can get out of bed and do at least one thing a day, I am happy. We are having a storm right now. It is snowing and the winds are blowing 50 mph. I think I will stay in my pajamas tomorrow.

Life is too precious to end. You don't realize how much you hurt your loved ones. _{details removed}_

Like I said, I live for my kids. They have been through hell with my illness, but they have always stuck beside me. They grew up hard and they grew up fast. My son is going to college to be a teacher for developmentally disabled. My daughter is a waitress and cook. She is also a secretary for Pfizer. She is going to college online to be an elementary teacher.

Hang in there. There are a lot of self-help books out there. And remember, God loves you.

_{details removed}_


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## SilverRaven (Oct 27, 2010)

ok question...why do people always say you dont realize how much you hurt loved ones or they would be devestated if your gone?..what about all the hurt they cause you?...what about all the hurtful thoughtless alienating things they do to others?...why do we always have to think of them?...we are trying to ease our pain to get rid of it or at least cope better with it but its always about the others..why?...if they are hurt so bad from things like this ..why do they treat us so bad for in the first place?...if they cared in the first place they wouldnt tell you things that drive you over...they wouldnt say I dont want my son around you because you would be a bad inflluence on him and I dont want him to learn things from you...you were not the best parent in the world and I want to be so I am keeping him from you...why say things like that if they love you and would be so hurt by you leaving...why tell you your nobody and worthless if they care so damn much....why would my mother tell me she only adopted me because she felt sorry for me if she really loved me?....why would my mom blame her depression on me and say its my fault if she loved me so much...ok there...so many things people say and do that hurt their so called loved ones......I guess I am sick of people telling me I would hurt them....its always about them them them...what about ME????...I do love my family and want to be here for them but why if all I seem to be is a burden a pain..a mental case as my one child  says.......


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## Andy (Oct 28, 2010)

I'm sorry people have said things to hurt you. That is not right. You have children, don't you think it would damage them if you were to "end it all".
Obviously you are talking of your own family, but I (and copious amounts of others)can tell you it is devastating. 

I have lost someone to suicide, and yes we both hurt each other a lot, but those "hurts" mean absolutely nothing at all when the person is gone. I'd rather have him here now, having an argument then not having him at all. Then at least if we were to go our separate ways it wouldn't be in such a tragic way. Ten years now. I still think of him almost daily, and it's not necessarily thinking of good memories, a lot of the time it is still pain. It's not something people just "get over."

The very reason people say you will hurt them is because you would no longer be around so that wouldn't make sense. If you want help and get help then people will help you. It wouldn't be about "them" it would be about you. 
I am sure you would never intentionally set out to cause your children a lot of pain. Your death whether you think so or not would cause them great pain. That is why it's about them. They are the ones left behind.


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## SilverRaven (Oct 28, 2010)

I have lost friends and family to suicide to...I can see things from both sides of the gate...I understand how the people left behind feel...the thoughts and feelings ....I worked hard with the last therapist and doctor I had for ten years doing everything possible to change my thinking pattern and actions..to living a more productive and useful life not just for myself but for my whole family..cause if I am not well I cant be there for them in many ways they need me to be...so I did it for myself mostly...so I  could be happy...no ifs no whys no why and no buts....but now I cant find my way out it seems...I  feel like I dug a hole to the other side of Earth and I am now in space floating away...I  am plagued with suicidal thoughts day after day..most of the time  its just ghost of a thought for a moment and then its gone...but when  things get bad like they are now...they linger on and on and on..but  being here talking to someone and having them listen without judgement  helps..I smiled briefly this morniing over nothing and I thought..just smile and say...I broke one  link in the chain for the moment...if thats all  I get its good enough  for now...for I will break another and another until the chain is  gone...I will not be a slave to these emotions no more it will not be my  master and commander for I own them..it may not be today..it may not be  tomorow...but these chains of burden will be taken down once and for  all in due time...and once again I will be in control...I thank you all for listening to my whining..I do that alot...things could be worse I guess...


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## Always Changing (Oct 28, 2010)

> .I broke one link in the chain for the moment...if thats all I get its good enough for now...for I will break another and another until the chain is gone...I will not be a slave to these emotions no more it will not be my master and commander for I own them..it may not be today..it may not be tomorow...but these chains of burden will be taken down once and for all in due time...and once again I will be in control..



I so like this, so full of hope,   It made me smile today.  Thank you


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