# Lies Codependents Believe to Stay in Abusive Relationships



## David Baxter PhD (Feb 16, 2018)

*Lies Codependents Believe to Stay in Relationships with Abusive Wives and Husbands*
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD, _Shrink4Men.com_
February 15, 2018

Codependents  are people who enable and care take others (in ways that are often  harmful to themselves) in the hopes of receiving love for their efforts,  sacrifices and willingness to tolerate abuse. These counterproductive  beliefs and behaviors are usually learned in the codependent’s  dysfunctional family of origin. If you identify as codependent, perhaps  one or both of your parents are personality disordered (narcissists,  borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths), mentally ill (schizophrenic,  bipolar, chronically depressed), codependents and/or alcoholics or  addicts. If so, you may have grown up believing abuse and other  dysfunctional behaviors like enabling, lying, avoidance, making excuses  for others, etc., are acceptable or normal. These behaviors and beliefs are neither normal nor acceptable.  They’re defense mechanisms you developed in childhood that helped you to  cope, to avoid or minimize abuse and helped you to get some of your  needs met — albeit in unhealthy and indirect ways. If you want healthier  relationships as an adult, you’ll need to identify these old beliefs  and defense mechanisms that no longer serve you. They no longer serve  you because they contribute to keeping you stuck in a pattern of  unhealthy and abusive relationships.

 In order to be in a relationship with a partner who’s similar to a  narcissistic, borderline or alcoholic parent(s) or other family member,  you need to continue to believe that their toxic and abusive behaviors  are normal, justifiable or that you’re responsible for them in some way.  In other words, you need to keep avoiding, rationalizing and tolerating  abuse. As a child, you couldn’t choose your parents. Children don’t  have the power or resources to say, “_Screw this noise! I’m getting outta this loony bin!_”  Kids are utterly dependent on their parents, even if they’re unstable  and abusive. So kids adapt to, compensate for and accommodate their  parents’ pathology. As an adult, you have resources and agency you  didn’t have as a child. You don’t have to do this anymore. You can  choose health. You can choose healthier partners. You don’t have to  adapt to, compensate for or accommodate another adult’s crazy anymore.

 You can choose to confront these issues, which, as an adult are _your issues_,  let go of the old unhealthy beliefs and behaviors and level up. If your  partner wants to become healthier, they’ll level up with you. If they  choose to maintain the toxic status quo, you don’t have to keep misery  company. Nor do you have to feel guilty about no longer wanting to keep  misery company.

 The following are some of the most common relationship misconceptions and lies learned in childhood by codependent, people pleasing, caretakers and rescuers:

*1. If I figure it out I can fix it.* No, you can’t.  At least not in the way you want to believe you can fix it. Once you  figure out what it really means to be personality disordered or codependent,  the solution is to end the abusive relationship and get support for  your own issues, so that you can make healthier choices and have  healthier relationships. The only person you can fix or change is _you_.  One of the most difficult and important things for a codependent to  learn is how to stay in your own lane. Meaning, another person’s  problems are not yours to fix. If they can’t or won’t acknowledge their  issues and that their behavior toward you is intolerable, you either  accept it or end it. Those are your choices.

*2. If I try harder it’ll get better.* No, it won’t.  Again, you can’t do the work for someone else. Human change just doesn’t  work that way. If you want to lose 20 pounds you have to make dietary  changes and exercise. You can’t pay someone to eat kale and run on the  treadmill for you. The same principle applies to personality change.  Improving yourself is a good thing. Doing so hoping it will lead to a  positive change in a narcissist or borderline is unrealistic. In fact,  the healthier you become the more unbearable a relationship with an  abusive disordered individual will become.

*3. If I’m more loving, patient, understanding and have more faith, the narcissist or borderline will stop abusing me.*  No, they won’t. You can’t love someone well or pray the Cray-Cray away  for the same reasons as numbers 1 and 2. A patient doormat is every bit  as much a doormat as a resentful doormat. The solution is to stop being a  doormat, respect yourself and partner with someone who respects  themselves and respects you.

*4. I’m protecting my kids by staying.* Not really.  You’re actually participating in the intergenerational transmission of  abuse. In other words, you’re teaching your kids that abuse is  acceptable, deserved and normal.

*5. Putting my needs first and ending the relationship would be selfish.* There’s healthy selfish and pathological selfishness. Healthy selfish means you’re respecting and taking care of yourself. _Selflessness isn’t healthy._  Being a doormat dishonors your responsibility and obligation to  yourself. Only a pathologically selfish person, like a narcissist or  borderline, expects you to hurt yourself or neglect your well-being in  order to demonstrate your love. _That isn’t love. _

 Healthy partners want you to be happy and healthy, not weak, ill,  fatigued, submissive and easy to control. Ending a relationship because  your partner abuses you isn’t selfish. Expecting you to stay in a  relationship in which you’re being mistreated, abused and exploited is  selfish. Of course, many narcissists and borderlines believe their  partners deserve to be abused (*they don’t see it as abuse). Think about  that. Why stay in a relationship with someone you believe deserves to  be punished and hurt? That’s sick. No one deserves to be abused. Abusers  don’t deserve to be abused. They deserve to be left alone with the  consequences of their behavior.

*6. All women are like that. All men are like that. All relationships are like that. *False,  false, and false. Dysfunctional and personality disordered women and men  are like that. Dysfunctional and abusive relationships are like that.  The majority of people, women and men, are neither dysfunctional nor  personality disordered. But it seems like those are the only people you  meet? First, dysfunctional and attention seeking people make the most  noise, which is why they proliferate the media and entertainment  industries and social media. Second, if you aren’t addressing your  codependency issues you’ll continue to attract and be attracted to  self-absorbed, toxic people.

*7. She or he won’t be able to survive without me.*  Yes, they will. It’ll probably make your head spin how quickly they  replace you with another enabler. Their entire personality structure has  been constructed to preserve the false self. The parasite will find another intestine. Even if they don’t, _they are not your responsibility_.  We all have choices, including the personality disordered. Choices have  consequences, including choices made by the personality disordered.  Although, many narcissists and borderlines surround themselves with  dutiful enablers and thereby avoid natural consequences. Choosing to  stop enabling the crazy usually heralds the end of the relationship, but  that’s a good thing!

*8. I can manage it.* No, you can’t. You can live with it, tolerate it, “radically accept it,”  resign yourself to it or enable it. There’s no managing a narcissist,  borderline, psychopath or other form of Crazy. Some therapists will lead  you to believe that you can learn how to not trigger  your narcissist or borderline. That’s utter nonsense. You’re not  responsible for your abuser’s behavior. That puts the onus of  responsibility on the wrong person. If you don’t like being abused, then  you take responsibility to remove yourself from the relationship or  situation. You don’t manage abuse. You walk away from it.

*9. She or he will mellow or stabilize with age. *Do you really want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 or 40 years of your life to see if this comes to pass? They rarely get better with age.  They typically worsen with age. Or, they stay every bit as miserable,  but change their abuse and manipulation tactics as a result of  diminishing physical attractiveness and strength. For example, instead  of seducing you with sex, they play the pity card.

*10. Things will get better after we marry or have a baby.* *NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!* These issues do not get better after legally binding yourself to an abuser through marriage or creating a hostage  child that they’ll likely use as a weapon to hurt and control you.  Think of it this way. An employee wants to be made vice-president. Her  or his work performance is characterized by coming in late, not showing  up, losing clients, insolence, alienating colleagues, laziness and  disrespect to supervisors. They claim their attitude and work  performance will miraculously improve if you make them vice-president,  give them a big fat raise and more responsibilities and duties. Does  this rationale make sense? If you were the hypothetical business owner  would you be willing to take such a risky gamble? You date or marry as  person as they are, not for the person you hope they will change into at  some magical point in the future.

 The reality is that you can’t save or rescue someone from themselves.  You can’t love someone into being a better person no more than you can  love a rattlesnake into being a Golden Retriever. You couldn’t do so  with your dysfunctional abusive parent(s) and you can’t do so with an  adult partner who’s every bit as screwed up as your mom or dad.

 You’re not a super hero or heroine. For that matter most narcissists,  borderlines and psychopaths aren’t arch-villains with super powers that  make it impossible to end the relationship. They’re just emotionally  immature jerks whose childhood wounds dovetail with your own. It’s both  hubris and naive to believe you have the power to change a personality  disordered person. Choosing to stay in abusive relationship is  volunteering to be a martyr, and for what? Confusing your family of  origin dysfunction for love? Heal your wounds and you won’t match up  with these predators anymore.


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