# Why and why not



## Ashley-Kate (Dec 18, 2007)

today i found myself in a exam but instead of thinking about sociology and it's problems as the exam required my head kept wandering off to what it always ends up thinking about detach about reasons why life exists so on my sheet of paper instead of writing what i was supposed to write at the end of my exam i had nothing more to write so it started i wrote a list about reasons why and why not.

-people love me
-people care about me 
-it would hurt many if i died
-i would not have been able to live up to my full potential 
-i feel so week and so, useless all the time this act would just show everyone that that is true 
__________________

-i can't take this fight anymore
-faking a smile making everyone think i am okay is exhausting
-feeling sad is hard 
-trying to live is too hard
-waking up in the morning is hard
-trying to explain to everyone that i am okay not to worry so that they don't feel responsible so that they live okay 
-if i dye i won't feel anymore i won't remember my life the things i went through i just won't have to deal anymore!

i just can't stop thinking about it !!!


----------



## Daniel (Dec 18, 2007)

*Re: why and why not*

Don't you think though that's it's the pressure of exams (like final exams) that are contributing to such thoughts?  I usually have more suicidal thoughts when I'm under stress.


----------



## Ashley-Kate (Dec 18, 2007)

*Re: why and why not*

the thing is i am not stressed about the finals cause well i dropped out of lots of classes cause i've just been feeling very depressed and stuff and well i only have 2 exams and that one today i didn't'really care about it if i pass or if i fail . i just feel like i am fading away every bit of me i am just so tired i wake up after a night's sleep and i am still tired i can't sleep at night much so i sleep in the day

i just feel so out of it


----------



## Daniel (Dec 18, 2007)

Are you getting enough nutrition?  

Do you think hospitalization would help?


----------



## Into The Light (Dec 18, 2007)

i understand you worry about people around you and that you don't want them to worry about you as i am the same way. that said though, you are putting a lot of energy into pretending things are ok for their sakes, energy that could go to dealing with your own feelings and problems.

i know it's much easier said than done but why not be honest about how you are struggling and in doing so, gaining their support? then when you have their support you can genuinely let them know how much it means to you and that it is helping you, and in turn those who love you would feel like at least they are helping you?


----------



## Ashley-Kate (Dec 18, 2007)

i must admit yes i know that my nutrition is not helping i am slowing deteriorating and it is not much the obsession of losing weight as the loss of ability to eat properly or to keep anything in me i just feel that i am unworthy of food !!! i know that that is probably a reasons to my state of depression and yes i do believe that hospitalization would actually be the only logical thing but then again i difficultly see myself going to my psychologist and telling her well put me in the hospital cause in another sense i don't want to live so why would i go and get the help to live .. yes i want to live happy but to get there i need to deal with the pain that makes me so sad and that seems to hard to go through so to live would just mean pain


----------



## Into The Light (Dec 18, 2007)

i would imagine that if you work on the pain and deal with it with the help of your therapist that life will improve for you and you won't feel as you are right now.

i think we are all afraid of pain but we are also stronger than we think.


----------



## Halo (Dec 18, 2007)

Ashley-Kate,

I know that you said in another post that both you and your therapist thought that it would be best if you were hospitalized.  Have you thought anymore about this option?  

I really think that it may be the best option for you at this time to keep you safe and to get the help that you need.

Take care :hug: :hug:


----------



## Ashley-Kate (Dec 21, 2007)

Well exams just came to an end and i am just going to let the things calm down a bit maybe that will help me relaxe a bit and feel more in controle of everything


----------



## Halo (Dec 21, 2007)

That probably sounds like a good plan AK....I hope that you feel better soon :hug:

Take care :hug:


----------

