# Depression



## mutant (Jul 23, 2010)

I used to be depressed, I used to cry a lot. I don't cry these days, the tears have dried up and all that remains are dark and tormenting thoughts that I just don't seem to be able to shake. 

When I'm with family members I don't feel so bad, but once I'm on my own, it all seems so bleak, the dark thoughts enter my mind but I can't really put into words the way I feel. 

I worry about everything, about my parents dying, my sibblings dying, and how I don't want to be around to experience their deaths - I want to go before them.  I worry about my future, how bad it will be, and it will be bad - I'm in my early 30s, heading towards my mid-thirties and still live at home and can't support myself, don't have much independance, don't have a girlfriend and don't think I ever will. I used to, but my self-confidence and self-esteem just don't exist, so I've acccepted I'll never have another. 

I think about how short life is and try to figure out if there's any point in living. I think about killing myself a lot, and I know how I'll do it. I don't cry and I'm not always this way,  my thoughts are calm, the depression has changed... I used to get so worked up and just cry, but it isn't like that anymore. This kind of depression is scaring me. I've distanced myself from friends, I don't see them anymore. My thoughts of suicide seem so rational and calculated, it doesn't seem like a knee-jerk reaction anymore. I'm trying to convince myself that my family will get over my death, it will get easier for them and in 50 years time it won't matter, they'll all be dead anyway. 

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I know some people who bothered to read this post might reply, offering kinds words of encouragment, but they won't change the way I feel. I sometimes have moments of hope, but they are moments, but they are soon engulfed with the rotting darkness that lurks within my mind. Live and be unhappy, or die and be nothing. It's a no-brainer.


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## Cat Dancer (Jul 23, 2010)

Have you sought treatment for these feelings you're having? Have you seen a doctor or a therapist?


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## Andy (Jul 23, 2010)

Hi mutant welcome to Psychlinks

I honestly could have written your whole post word for word as my own. In my opinion your sounding like you have gone numb.  I'm not going to give you any platitudes because I think I may get where your at (maybe not fully) and I know how much I hate them.  

You don't want to be around to experience your families deaths. Why is that, to hard to deal with? That's rhetorical.  If you think your family will get over you committing suicide you have no idea how incredibly wrong you are. It will be apart of them and all they do for the rest of their lives.  They are your family and they love you. 

Say you woke up tomorrow and were feeling great, the best you have felt in a long time. What would you be doing? That's not rhetorical lol. To me a no-brainer would be to exhaust all avenues for help. It can't hurt to try, if you get nothing out of it then your in the same place, right?

As Cat Dancer asked, have you sought out any professional help? I know it may be the last thing you want to deal with doing but maybe it's exactly what you need to have more of those moments. 

I read that back and it sounds rather curt. It's not meant to be. 
I hope you have some good days soon.


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## Yuray (Jul 24, 2010)

> I used to be depressed,


it sounds like you are severely depressed, and the depression IS your reality.



> I think about how short life is and try to figure out if there's any point in living


in all sincerity, ask a young person who is unwillingly dying what the point of life is. Your depression is not allowing you to see the point. The depression is robbing you of a fruitful life. The depression is the enemy, not your thoughts. Your thoughts are dictated by the depression. Not your fault. Your 'fault' may lie in not recognising it, and depriving yourself from the true joy of life.



> I'm trying to convince myself that my family will get over my death


perhaps they will view your death with the same trepidation that you view theirs.



> I don't even know why I'm writing this,


sharing you pain with others who have been there?     looking for options?    not quite ready to die?....something motivated you to post here, and I doubt it was for sympathy.



> offering kinds words of encouragment, but they won't change the way I feel.


maybe not how you feel, but how you look at things.



> Live and be unhappy, or die and be nothing


or, with guidance and insights from others, Live and be happy, and die with your grandchildren around your bed, as a somebody.

Depression is killing you slowly. Its hard not to get sucked in to the snare depression sets out for many of us. Without any assistance from anyone else, your life will continue to be consumed by the 'rotting darkness that lurks within your mind".

What do you truly want, and how best to get it? ( answer truthfully as 'mutant', and not as the 'depression')

P.S. your name is somewhat eponymous, maybe time for a lighter, more reflective of how you would want to feel, name.


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## mutant (Jul 25, 2010)

Hello again. Thank you for reading and replying. I don't even know if I am depressed as I don't feel like this all the time, it's mainly when I'm on my own and have time to think, and when I do have time to think, all I think about is how hopeless it all is. I do have social anxiety, no self-esteem or self-confidence and body dysmorphic disorder. Nevativity is consuming my mind and I don't know how to stop it.

 I have been on anti-depressants before, and had CBT for the social anxiety, but I gave up on both. I just don't have any sort of motivation to do anything, and that includes getting better.... so what exactly is the point? I want to tell my family that I am going to kill myself so they'll be prepared... maybe it would be better to just run into the path of a bus so it looks like an accident. I don't see thinsg getting better, I've been waiting for things to get better for half my life, but waiting isn't going to make my problems go away. the older I get, the worse it gets. I don't have anything to look forward to, I don't particularly enjoy doing anything.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 25, 2010)

mutant said:


> Hello again. Thank you for reading and replying. I don't even know if I am depressed as I don't feel like this all the time, it's mainly when I'm on my own and have time to think, and when I do have time to think, all I think about is how hopeless it all is. I do have social anxiety, no self-esteem or self-confidence and body dysmorphic disorder. Nevativity is consuming my mind and I don't know how to stop it.
> 
> I have been on anti-depressants before, and had CBT for the social anxiety, but I gave up on both. I just don't have any sort of motivation to do anything, and that includes getting better.... so what exactly is the point?



The point is that you are very clearly depressed and hopeless at the moment and you don't need to continue to feel this way. Get back to your physician(s) and get back on some medication. Then make an appointment with a psychologist and get back into therapy. All of this pessimism, hopelessness, and negativity is symptomatic of depression.



mutant said:


> I want to tell my family that I am going to kill myself so they'll be prepared... maybe it would be better to just run into the path of a bus so it looks like an accident.



Or perhaps because that's a way of telling them how distressed you are so they will help you get the help you need?



mutant said:


> I don't see things getting better, I've been waiting for things to get better for half my life, but waiting isn't going to make my problems go away.



Nope. Just waiting won't change anything. You have to start doing something. You've tried the status quo and you know it doesn't work. Get back into treatment.



mutant said:


> the older I get, the worse it gets. I don't have anything to look forward to, I don't particularly enjoy doing anything.



Of course not. Anhedonia and pessimism are hallmarks of depression. Treat the depression and these will be reduced and in time eliminated.


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## mutant (Jul 27, 2010)

Hi again.

I appreciate you taking time to reply to me, but how is one to get help and get better through that help/treatment when they don't even have the motivation to do that or believe that it is possible to get better? It's not definite that I will ever feel any different, so going through all stress of the treatment in the HOPE of getting better isn't enough. I've had treatment before but just didn't believe in it so gave up. A massive part of all this is not having any kind of confidence, I don't believe I can do anything. Maybe I don't want to get better, maybe it's just easier to accept the way I am and take that way out.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 27, 2010)

mutant said:


> I appreciate you taking time to reply to me, but how is one to get help and get better through that help/treatment when they don't even have the motivation to do that or believe that it is possible to get better? It's not definite that I will ever feel any different, so going through all stress of the treatment in the HOPE of getting better isn't enough. I've had treatment before but just didn't believe in it so gave up. A massive part of all this is not having any kind of confidence, I don't believe I can do anything. Maybe I don't want to get better, maybe it's just easier to accept the way I am and take that way out.



Your lack of "faith" in treatment is probably the first thing you need to address in therapy. But actually, it does not matter whether or not you believe it will work, at least not initially -  as long as you do the work assigned to you by your therapist, you will get better whether you believe it or not. It's about as certain as anything can get in life.

The danger you will need to be vigilant for is that you will allow yourself to sabotage your own therapy. This is the part you need to address early with your therapist.

And, by the way, the fact that you didn't find it helpful the first time you tried it doesn't mean anything in terms of future prognosis. That could have been the result of any one or more of several factors:


self sabotage (see above)
a poor match between you and the therapist
the wrong approach to therapy for you
the wrong medication for you
etc.


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## mutant (Jul 28, 2010)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> "But actually, it does not matter whether or not you believe it will work, at least not initially - as long as you do the work assigned to you by your therapist"



I was only treated for the social anxiety not the depression, and that last bit of the sentence above, I don't know whether it was laziness on my part, whether I didn't believe it would work, or whether the stress of the whole thing made me give up, maybe I just don't want to get out of my comfort zone.... but giving up is what I did and I don't even think I want to go back to try again. I don't want to go through life being the way I am, but I don't want to get treatment either... so what other options do I have? There's only one and it's only a matter of time.

I realise that you're trying to help, and it's great to see you giving your time to help people in desperate situations, but I think I'm beyond help. I don't know what's normal, As an adult I've never known anything other than how I am rigt now, it's been 17-18 years. I don't know whether I'm just lazy, or whether it's the lack of motivation which stems from my problems. I don't know anything.

Thanks again, appreciated.


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## Retired (Jul 28, 2010)

> but I think I'm beyond help.



No, you are not beyond help, and the feelings you have are due to the illness of depression, an illness that is treatable.  Forget about trying to figure out the motivations, and focus on the fact the illness is treatable, so the only thing you need to do is arrange an appointment with your doctor, tell the doctor you are ill with depression.

Let the doctor take it from there.

Click HERE and please re-read the advice offered to you by Dr. Baxter

Is there any obstacle for you call your doctor today to arrange for an appointment?


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