# What's happening to me?!



## WilliamCollins (Oct 29, 2010)

About a month ago, I started taking 40mgs of Geodon (low dose for me).  At first, everything was fine and I noticed my energy levels increase.  I'd watch TV and my mind would just race and think about everything that was going on in the program.  It felt actually kinda great.  But now, I feel so burnt-out and overwhelmed.  It's like I'm looking through a fog as I sit here trying to focus.  I can't seem to focus on anything anymore.  It's really bad.  I feel so stupid and hopeless and like everything is just going to keep getting worse and worse until I'm no longer conscious of anything.  This is the worst I've ever been.

I thought schizophrenia got better with age.  I'm now 24 and I've had schizophrenia for roughly 4-5 years.

I need advice.  How bad is it going to get?  What should I do?  Have you ever felt like this?  What did you do to overcome it?

Ugh.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 29, 2010)

First, William, have you discussed this with your psychiatrist? It's possible this is a medication effect and if so your doctors may suggest a change in medication.

In addition, the fact that your mind was raciing previously was not a good thing, although that may have helped you feel very energetic. Admittedly, feeling lethargic or in a fog is no better but with your doctors' help you may be able to find more of a happy medium. It's not unusual to try a few medications before you find the one that's right for you.

The other thing to look at is your diet/nutrition and activity levels: What are you eating? What do you do regularly during the day? 

And finally, what are your sleep patterns like? Are you sleeping more or less than normal? Do you find you're napping more during the day? Is your sleep interrupted at night?


----------



## WilliamCollins (Oct 30, 2010)

I have discussed all this with my psychiatrist and he thinks I'm psychotic.  Or that I'm showing signs of psychosis.  I hate this so much!  He prescribed me 60mgs of Geodon + 10mg of Olanzapine.  The Olanzapine is optional and there to take if needed.  I take it anyways and hope that my mind will return to how it was, at least, a month ago.



			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> The other thing to look at is your diet/nutrition and activity levels: What are you eating? What do you do regularly during the day?



My diet is okay, though I should probably eat more vegetables/fruits and take a vitamin/mineral supplement.  As for what I do during the day...  I'm at home mostly.  I usually only go out when I have an appointment, which is once a month.  At home, I watch a lot of TV (the TV is always on, even when I'm trying to go to sleep), play video games, and read a little on the computer.  

Playing video games has become difficult due to an inability to focus (which makes doing everything difficult and seem like I'm not really all there).  This saddens me because I used to really enjoy playing multiplayer shooting games like Enemy Territory.  



> And finally, what are your sleep patterns like? Are you sleeping more or less than normal? Do you find you're napping more during the day? Is your sleep interrupted at night?



I have been known to not sleep for 20-24hrs because my mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts.  I also noticed that not sleeping had a calming effect on me.  But as of late, I have been sleeping for 8-12hrs/night.  It's solid sleep but I do wake up a few times during the night and I think this is due to my racing my mind...  I'll notice that I'm dreaming and then I'll wake up or my dreams are so intense that I'll wake up from them.  So yes, my sleep does get interrupted several times during the night.

I'm really worried that my mental health will steadily keep deteriorating.  My doctor has mentioned that some patients get worse even though they are on antipsychotic medication.  What can I do to prevent my schizophrenia from getting worse?  Are there any (what's the word?) that I should know about?  I want to do something to help myself but I don't know what to do.  I want to somehow come out of this and be the person that I used to be before I developed schizophrenia.

Remember when I told you that I smoked some marijuana a little while ago?  Well, something from that experience seems to have stuck with me.  I think it did some damage to my brain (my doctor thinks it didn't).  Or if not, what else could it be?  Getting high is somewhat of a traumatizing experience for me.  I'll start coming up with theories which scare me and I'll have a hard time focusing on anything besides those theories.  My mind will jump from one topic (or theory) to another without much connection to either.  And when I look at something, I don't see it instantly.  It seems to take a moment before I see it, and when I do...  I think I'm hallucinating.  These hallucinations interfere with my seeing.  But are they really hallucinations?  Is looking at one's thoughts a hallucination?  When I look at something, I will instantly zone out (or something like that) and I won't see it anymore even though I'll be physically trying to look at it.

Can anyone relate?  I wish there were more people with schizophrenia on here.

---------- Post added at 10:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:32 AM ----------

I also think I hear voices, which sucks!  Or more accurately, I talk to people that seem to be in my head.  They'll just come to me (these could be people that I've met) and say things to me and I'll reply.  Sometimes I won't even realize that this is happening.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 30, 2010)

The best and most important thing you can do is to keep following your doctor's recommendations and make sure you let him know about any side-effects. If you remain on the prescribed medication and don't undercut the medication with recreational drugs, it's not likely at this point that it will get worse. At times of stress, you may find some of the symptoms worsening, but that is true of any mental health issue and it's temporary.

The other thing to address is your social isolation and lack of physical activity. This provides a perfect context for obsessive worrying and rumination, and that can certainly make you feel worse. If you can do it, try to get out for a walk once a day, or ask your doctor if there is a support group you could go to in your area. You might be able to find a support group through CMHA Toronto: Home or Welcome to NAMI Ontario as well.

One of the things that you are doing is trying to seek support online and learn about your illness. I can tell you that most people diagnosed with schizophrenia do not do this, so you are already doing more to help yourself than many patients.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Oct 30, 2010)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> The best and most important thing you can do is to keep following your doctor's recommendations and make sure you let him know about any side-effects. If you remain on the prescribed medication and don't undercut the medication with recreational drugs, it's not likely at this point that it will get worse. At times of stress, you may find some of the symptoms worsening, but that is true of any mental health issue and it's temporary.



I really hope you're right about it being temporary.  It's hard to imagine it getting better by much.



> The other thing to address is your social isolation and lack of physical activity. This provides a perfect context for obsessive worrying and rumination, and that can certainly make you feel worse. If you can do it, try to get out for a walk once a day, or ask your doctor if there is a support group you could go to in your area. You might be able to find a support group through CMHA Toronto: Home or Welcome to NAMI Ontario as well.



I used to take refreshing walks with my folks but then I stopped because we'd sometimes meet people and some of these people I knew throughout my entire life when I was much younger and different.  I've turned into a recluse slowly over time and I feel like this is my only option (to avoid people at all costs) because meeting people makes me VERY uncomfortable.  I wish this would go away but I've been like this for years now. 

As for the support groups...  I just don't know if I'm up for it.  



> One of the things that you are doing is trying to seek support online and learn about your illness. I can tell you that most people diagnosed with schizophrenia do not do this, so you are already doing more to help yourself than many patients.



Thanks. 

---------- Post added at 08:00 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:46 PM ----------

Is it at all possible for me to somehow think my way out of this illness?  I believe there is such a thing but I just haven't found the right path yet.

Maybe all this thinking is only making me worse.  What do you think?  And what other options do I have left?


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 30, 2010)

WilliamCollins said:


> Is it at all possible for me to somehow think my way out of this illness? I believe there is such a thing but I just haven't found the right path yet.
> 
> Maybe all this thinking is only making me worse. What do you think? And what other options do I have left?



No. But too much isolation and self-analysis may well make it worse.


----------



## forgetmenot (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi William i think once your doctor and you have gotten the right medication working you can get back to feeling like you use to.
  I think you will be more outgoing too.  It all take time and patience to get things working well. 
 I have seen people hold jobs with this illness and lead normal lives new meds out there are so much better these days.
  The importance of following what your pdoc says will help okay   I hope you feel better soon   let us know okay how it goes


----------



## WilliamCollins (Oct 31, 2010)

I was also told that I exhibit signs of a thought disorder.  What does that mean?  And can I not somehow force myself to think properly by practicing proper thinking techniques (if there is such a thing)?  

I wish there was a cure so I wouldn't have to suffer like this.  Living with this illness can be a nightmare.  The social isolation doesn't help but being sociable means extreme anxiety/stress.  Even talking to my family members can be stressful because my mind will think about weird things.  I have a hard time controlling my mind and that's a big problem.  I would like to fix this somehow and that's why I continue to search for a way out of this illness (a personal cure, if you will).

Lately, I've been taking more antipsychotic medication than was originally prescribed.  I take an extra 10mgs of Olanzapine which means that I take 120mgs of Geodon/daily (60 in the morning and 60 at night) + 20mgs of Olanzapine/daily (10 in the morning and 10 at night).  I hope this isn't too much.  I would really like my mind to be still and more able to focus.

I have a great plan and that's to dramatically improve my life when I turn 25 (which will be in a year).  I want to change who I am and I want to become someone else.  Someone smarter, fitter, etc.  So why don't I do this now?  Well, now, I'm trying to improve myself in other ways + I'm thinking about (more like planning) how exactly I'm going to achieve the goals the goals that I set for myself (through physical and mental exertion, everyday, and all day long!).  And I'm giving myself 5 years to achieve these goals.  If something goes amiss and I'm still the same person than I'll probably do what Nicolas Cage's character did in the movie Leaving Las Vegas.  But this will not happen because I know that I'll achieve my goals.  I have to!


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 31, 2010)

You're right - there is no cure yet for schizophrenia but that doesn't mean that with persistence in finding the right medication you can't have a full and productive life.

See these stories about people who live successfully with schizophrenia:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/heroes-and-survivors/7758-bill-macphee-schizophrenia-digest.html 

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/heroes-a...e-gave-back-the-life-schizophrenia-stole.html


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 31, 2010)

WilliamCollins said:


> I was also told that I exhibit signs of a thought disorder. What does that mean? And can I not somehow force myself to think properly by practicing proper thinking techniques (if there is such a thing)?


 
Thought disorder is a term referring to various eccentric thought patterns that are sumptomatic of schizophrenia. There are several different forms and it's highly unlikely that you display all of them - Wikipedia has a summary at Thought disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 
or for a shorter summary see Formal Thought Disorder - The Doctors Lounge(TM)

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help you to challenge and counteract irrational thoughts and cope with some of the other symptoms of schizophrenia. You may be able to learn how to do some of this on your own (i.e., self-help books), but it would probably be best to see a CBT therapist whi has some knowledge of schizzophrenia.


----------



## forgetmenot (Oct 31, 2010)

> Lately, I've been taking more antipsychotic medication than was originally prescribed


.   I don't think you should be changing your dosage without doctors okay  I hope it was doctor who increased it for you.    With help of a good therapist you can get those thoughts under control.  Try not to worry about how things will be but try concentrating on just doing what is right for you now okay.    No cure but like with all illnesses there is a way to keep you stable and to keep you being able to follow your goals.   TAlk with your pdoc okay and do not fool around with your medication  leave that up to the doctor.  You are doing good trying to educate yourself but try not to get to overwhelmed with it all okay.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 31, 2010)

Yikes! I missed that, Violet. Thank you.

Vioelt is absolutely correct, Williaqm. Taking more won't help you get well any faster and it may create other problems, some nof them serious. It's extremely important that you take only the dose your doctor prescribes.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 1, 2010)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help you to challenge and counteract irrational thoughts and cope with some of the other symptoms of schizophrenia. You may be able to learn how to do some of this on your own (i.e., self-help books), but it would probably be best to see a CBT therapist whi has some knowledge of schizzophrenia.



This is definitely something I would like to look into.  At the book store I remember seeing books on CBT so now I think I'll buy one.



			
				Violet said:
			
		

> I don't think you should be changing your dosage without doctors okay I hope it was doctor who increased it for you. With help of a good therapist you can get those thoughts under control. Try not to worry about how things will be but try concentrating on just doing what is right for you now okay. No cure but like with all illnesses there is a way to keep you stable and to keep you being able to follow your goals. TAlk with your pdoc okay and do not fool around with your medication leave that up to the doctor. You are doing good trying to educate yourself but try not to get to overwhelmed with it all okay.





			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> Vioelt is absolutely correct, Williaqm. Taking more won't help you get well any faster and it may create other problems, some nof them serious. It's extremely important that you take only the dose your doctor prescribes.



Okay.  But I've done this before and my pdoc didn't seem to have a problem with it.  He asked me how I felt after a larger dose and that's it.  

Thanks for the videos.  They look interesting.

Btw, I went for a walk today!    I feel better now that I'm back home (better than before I left).  The walk was a little scary (more like stressful) but I got through it in one piece.

I guess if I don't change anything than I'll always have the same results, huh?

Take care.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 1, 2010)

> I guess if I don't change anything than I'll always have the same results, huh?


 
Exactly.


----------



## Yuray (Nov 1, 2010)

> I guess if I don't change anything than I'll always have the same results, huh?


an old saying..."If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had. :thinking: (hard to argue that one!)


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 10, 2010)

But how does one change one's self when it seems like the illness is in control?  (i.e.,  I have no friends, I don't go out much, I'm constantly stressed out, etc...  All this started happening after I developed schizophrenia in the first place.)

I need to somehow change the illness then, do I not?  I see myself as a part of this illness, so maybe, just maybe, if I change the part that I have control over, then, like waves, it'll change the rest of me (including the illness itself) and transform me into a much better human being.  Someone that people would want to be around and not someone that shuts people out. 

I think my logic might be flawed (so what's new?), but it's a nice start, I suppose.

At this rate maybe I'll no longer have an illness to think about in the future.  They say there's no cure for schizophrenia.  Well, I say, maybe there is and they just haven't found it yet because people who cure themselves no longer need to see a psychiatrist.


----------



## Andy (Nov 10, 2010)

Hi WilliamCollins, 

I haven't been following this conversation much so forgive me if I am repetitive at all.  

It sounds like we are in similar situations socially and all that. All of that stuff happened to me after I was diagnosed as well. A real wake up call on who your real friends are, at the same time I get it.

You CANNOT change the illness. You can manage it with meds, but you can't change it. You are not part of this illness, the illness is part of you. You were you before Schizophrenia happened and your still there you just have an extra challenge. You need to learn how to live with the illness and not try to separate the illness from yourself.  People don't cure themselves of Schizophrenia, I'm sorry to say that, I wish it were true but it just isn't.

I'm not sure where you live but there are a lot of mental health clubhouses or even the Schizophrenia Society (if your in Canada), the SS is great. Maybe you could see about going to somewhere like that. You would meet people who are in similar situations and understand and maybe make some good friends. Even if it's a start to get yourself use to meeting people and hanging around them. No harm in trying anyway. Just a suggestion. 

Hopefully that made some sense. :2thumbs:


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 11, 2010)

Yes, STP, that made a lot of sense and I really appreciate it.  So thank you!

I would like to meet people who suffer from schizophrenia and I have often thought about joining such a group (even if it is only group therapy).  I wonder what it would be like (can someone who knows paint a picture for me of what it would be like?).  But at the same time, I am afraid and feel like it would make things worse...  More complicated.  Maybe I'll develop relationships and then end up suffering because of them.  You see, I isolate myself (even from my family members) in order to protect myself from all sorts of things, even if it is only from my own mind.

This illness, for me, is like a mindset which I need to get myself out of.  I'll spend a lot of time trying to cure myself (lost cause?  Well, what else is there?).  I often feel like I take a step forward and end up two steps back.  I tend to do what seems like the same things over and over again in hopes of finding different results.  Sometimes it works, oddly enough, and sometimes it does not.

I've seriously become afraid of meeting people (but I'd really like to change this!) and this is why I haven't joined any groups from places like Progress Place.  Even a subway ride there has the potential to be very stressful because there are all kinds of people on it.  I will catch someone looking at me and my mind will start racing and it will get full of all sorts of ideas which make the experience all the more uncomfortable.  I have had good results, though, with the medication - it numbs my mind and makes me not think about, for example, other people that are riding on the subway with me, who's saying what, etc.

I really wish I could somehow change all this.  I feel like I need to change because the person that I've become is no good.  Maybe I'm wrong about being no good but I kind of don't like the person that I am.  I guess herein lies the problem.


----------



## Andy (Nov 11, 2010)

Hi WilliamCollins , Me again. 

The Schizophrenia Society that I went to is just a casual place to hang out and meet people have coffee, socialize. There are/were also people that work/volunteer there and make sure it stays a safe environment. They can help you out with resources you may need a little help with too. A therapist during the week, I can't remember if it was only a couple days a week or not, I think so. Anyway you can schedule time with him/her. I'm not sure if that's a normal thing for all SS though, to have a therapist come in (?). There are all kinds of functions and outings and volunteering to help other people who need help. Stuff like that.
Of course there are the clubhouses like the one you mentioned as well.

If you do decide to check out a place like that it doesn't mean you have to go. If you go and your not sure about it and have tried a few times your not committed. I would suggest going regularly at first so that you meet some regulars, then you would more than likely have someone you would be familiar with if/when you went again.

I don't think it's a lost cause at all to try to "cure" yourself. Cure the Schizophrenia, unfortunately. To cure/help yourself absolutely not.
I think you will find that everyone feels that way at some point in there lives. Three steps forward, two steps back. It's frustrating but to give up would mean a lot of steps back and when you were ready to try again, you will have a lot of catching up to do. I know it's easy to say, but you just have to keep stepping. lol I am done with the metaphors now.

I think that it is awesome that you want to change being afraid of meeting people. Personally, can I tell you that the sooner the better because the longer you isolate the harder it will be.
I am glad your meds are helping with being around people in a situation like the train where you can't really go anywhere. I can't stand those things!

You CAN change all of this. You have the desire to do so, it sounds like your fairly stable on your medication, you just have to take the next step (doh! step metaphor) which isn't easy but when your ready, go for it.

Babble again


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 11, 2010)

I just want to be me again.  I don't want to be ill anymore.  Going through life being the way I am can be an impossible task for some.  I don't want to end it but I also don't want to keep living like this.  Life used to be so good.  I just don't want to be ill anymore!  God I don't want this.

I keep going back into my past for a solution.  Something went wrong back then and I would like to make amends (not sure if that made sense).  If I go back will I be able to change who I am now?  I feel like I ask impossible questions.  If only there were answers.  

I don't want the label of schizophrenia.  It sort of explains what I'm going through but it also adds to the problem. 

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE ILL ANYMORE!!!

I can't get passed this.


----------



## Andy (Nov 11, 2010)

Boy do I hear you. The fact of the matter is that you are ill, as I am, I'm not meaning to be in your face about it.
Life for me use to be the same, which is why I can relate.
You don't need to go back to make amends with or about anything. I know it may feel like your being punished (for me it does) but you did nothing wrong. You got handed a really sh***y card. You can't go back and fix things. I think the thing now is to recognize that and start to work on how you can help yourself now and for your future.

You don't have to have the label of Schizophrenia. For health reasons yes, otherwise you can just be a guy struggling through some things. It's NOT who you are. Your not that label.

You CAN get past this. I think you really need some help doing so though. Can you get a worker? If you have someone to talk to about it and someone who would be more than willing to go with you to these clubhouses, or where ever you want to go. Is that something you would be willing to look into?


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 11, 2010)

You are still there the same you  
 You have an illness that needs to be regulated with medication
 Just like diabetics need insulin you need your medication to be stable. 
 You are the same you okay  there is some confusion yes but you are still there.  
With medication you will be able to follow whatever path you wish okay. 
 Please don't get stuck on the label it is just a name okay so treatment the proper one can be given.  
 Nothing from the past can be changed as it is nothing you did okay it is an illness that is hereditary  
 I hope you can talk to your pdoc about all the confusion you are having and soon come to see  you are not anyone different you are still the same you just a person now that has to learn to deal with an illness that no is not curable not yet anyways but is controllable  
The newer medication they are so much better they are   I just see the differences in some people i know and they with the newer meds are so much better then they were before.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 12, 2010)

STP said:
			
		

> I know it may feel like your being punished (for me it does) but you did nothing wrong.



Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like.  My mom once told me that she thinks I started to get worse after I stopped attending church.  I used to be a alter-boy but then I stopped going for a couple of reasons, one of them was having doubts about God.  Could there be a connection?  Probably not, but still, it makes me wonder sometimes.



> I think the thing now is to recognize that and start to work on how you can help yourself now and for your future.



Agreed.  This is what I've been trying to do.  For now I'm just planning on what I'm going to do and in the near future I'll put it all into practice.



> I think you really need some help doing so though. Can you get a worker? If you have someone to talk to about it and someone who would be more than willing to go with you to these clubhouses, or where ever you want to go. Is that something you would be willing to look into?



I had a case worker (as part of the New Outlook program) and she was really nice but at that time I didn't feel like I needed help.  Now I feel like I do so maybe I'll look into it.  I'll talk to my psychiatrist about this.  He is/was also part of that program and that's how I met him.

Cheers!

---------- Post added at 02:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:00 PM ----------




			
				Violet said:
			
		

> The newer medication they are so much better they are I just see the differences in some people i know and they with the newer meds are so much better then they were before.



I recently started taking one of the more newer antipsychotic medications.  It's called Geodon and I take 60mgs, though this will probably change and I'll be taking a higher dosage - I feel like I need more!

I bet one day they'll make something that'll be like a cure.  I hope so.


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 13, 2010)

i wish that too  there is a new medication that is not in Canada yet but when it comes  i will make sure it is tried  i hear only good news abt it.  it is helping people that were not abled to be help before  it is giving their life back to them.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 13, 2010)

Abilify (I've read on this site that it improves both negative & positive symptoms) is another medication which I'd like to try but my pdoc says that it isn't covered by my medical plan.  Geodon just got covered (I've tried all the others).  All the medications that I've taken so far are nothing special IMHO - I seem be in need of a miracle cure (or a silver bullet, as they say)!

I feel like the longer I go without being cured the worse I'll get.  I know this probably isn't true as long as I take my meds but that's what it feels like.  This illness has taken so much from me already, and sadly I don't think it has stopped.

What must I do, seriously?  I don't want to keep suffering like this.  There doesn't seem to be an end to the suffering.  I try to block out the bad stuff but it sometimes comes through anyway.  It beginning to feel natural to suffer.  I fear I'm getting used to it.  QUESTION:  should I get used to the suffering?  I feel like something bad will happen if I do.  

I doubt anyone that reads my posts understands what I'm going through because it's all hidden.  It's such a personal illness/suffering.  I wish I could share it with someone...  Now this definitely makes me a bad person!  Again, maybe I'm just getting what I deserve.  I know this can't be true... but...  what if... it's true?  Nobody really knows.  People say that oh he got what he deserved when talking about someone that did something bad.  Well, maybe I'm getting what I deserve!  Part of this illness is me thinking about my past sins and being confronted by them.  I haven't always been a good person.  I've done my share of bad things.  Even if it was only a bad thought, that still counts, doesn't it?!  It seems to.

Sin + conscience = suffering.  Suffering = ? (more sin?)  More sin = more suffering (the cycle of perpetual evil?).  

OMG, I've almost convinced myself that I'm evil!

I keep confusing myself searching for a way out.  Maybe I'm just making everything worse.  Maybe my quest for a personal cure isn't helping either.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 13, 2010)

> I feel like the longer I go without being cured the worse I'll get. I know this probably isn't true as long as I take my meds but that's what it feels like. This illness has taken so much from me already, and sadly I don't think it has stopped.


 
It's possible that your condition might deteriorate the longer you go without medication but your fear is unfounded as long as you are following your psychiatrist's recommendations for medication.

As a ruole of thumb, it's often said that it takes about 5 years to stabilize on medication with schizophrenia (it doesn't mean you aren't making progress during that time, just that you will show increasing benefits of the medication over that period of time). How long have you been taking medication?


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 14, 2010)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> As a rule of thumb, it's often said that it takes about 5 years to stabilize on medication with schizophrenia (it doesn't mean you aren't making progress during that time, just that you will show increasing benefits of the medication over that period of time). How long have you been taking medication?



I've been taking my medication consistently for approximately 2 years this coming February.  Something like that.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 14, 2010)

There you go... you're almost half way there.

See:  Schizophrenia.com, paranoid schizophrenia - Schizophrenia News, schizophrenia personal story


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 14, 2010)

I do understand how sometimes you feel you are so alone in this illness but not it not true really.  It is your battle to fight yes but you have the help of doctor and i hope you can speak openly with him about all your fears.  Good family support is so important too as they are your pillar when you are not feeling so well they can keep you grounded so to speak to reality.
2 years you are still getting adjusted but in time you will see you can and will be able to do what ever it is you chose to do.  I am glad you are able to talk about your fears and thoughts as keeping them all inside it just causes one to get more confused.   Sorry just rambling a bit  but just want you to continue to reach out okay to continue to talk and get the help and support you feel you need.  take care


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 14, 2010)

If someone asked me what the experience of schizophrenia is like, I don't know how I'd explain it.  It's simply an experience, my experience, and that's all it really is.  I could go on and tell them how a person with schizophrenia can exhibit all sorts of symptoms like delusions, hallucinations, hearing voices, thoughts racing in all directions, and so on, but is that really what makes schizophrenia schizophrenia?  I experience all the above symptoms, but schizophrenia, to me, is different from its symptoms.  I guess I just don't identify it as a bunch of symptoms.  It's much more than that!

When I was taking a lower dosage the experience of schizophrenia could turn very unpleasant but at times it was a rush (like riding a jet).  I'd sit on a chair in my room leaning forward with my head in my hands and I'd talk to people in my head and think about all sorts of things which came to me (jumping from one subject to the next with loose connections).  The voices would make contact, it seems, and I would find it difficult to realize that this was actually happening.  Also, it seems, the voices would make me see things - things which were only in my head like images and scenery and stuff like that (it was all very fast).  My vision didn't seem to work at times and I felt like I was stuck in my head.

So I'd sit there talking to the voices and seeing things (what I considered to be my thoughts (and other things like faces as well).  I think it was more like "image streaming" - not sure if I'm using this term correctly).  Now, you might think that there's nothing wrong with any of this and that it sounds normal.  I, for one, thought it was normal until I couldn't do anything besides what I was doing which was talking to the voices and looking at things in my head.  I couldn't help it and I guess that's part of the problem.   My mind was out of control and this to me is what schizophrenia is all about.  I think people try to understand this by coming up with symptoms which try to explain more thoroughly what's happening (is that properly written?). 

I still have this problem but it's not as serious as it was now that I'm on a higher dosage.  Still, it bugs the heck out of me that all this is happening to me.  I'm only 24 and I feel like I'm destined to be insane.  One wrong move and off I go.

Can someone let me know if I sound as confused as I feel?  Damn, I do my best to not get confused but sometimes it seems like the more I do to help myself the worse my condition gets.  I feel like I shouldn't be making attempts at thinking because it turns out badly.

I feel so stupid!  This is my other problem.

Even after all this, I still don't understand what schizophrenia really is.  And I've read about it AND experienced it!

Take care, everyone!


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 14, 2010)

No you are far from stupid William you are very intelligent well written spoken person. 
 You maybe trying too hard that all to get an answer that is j ust not there yet.
  Let the doctors do the thinking for now okay until the medication has got you stable  
 You are doing all the right things so please know that you will be okay.
  Being you started your treatment so early on is a good thing   You will not go through so many years of unstablity 
 Your doctor is the best resource right now okay He will make sure you have the best treatment to keep you safe and well.


----------



## Modus.Ponens (Nov 14, 2010)

William, you are making total sense. No inconsistencies whatsoever.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 14, 2010)

Violet said:


> You maybe trying too hard that all to get an answer that is just not there yet.


 
I think this is probably a very good observation.



Violet said:


> Being you started your treatment so early on is a good thing.


 
Yes. The long term prognosis is better when you begin treatment early and stick with it.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 15, 2010)

I had to thank everyone because I like all the comments I got!

Now onto something else...

I'll notice things about this illness, and about life in general, but, unfortunately, these seem to be unexplainable things for me at the moment.  I feel like I know things but I can't have a normal conversation and talk about them.  When I try to explain something I feel like I'll just confuse you and myself.  Even posters on this site have commented that I sound confused...  And I agree with them because I, myself, feel confused.  If I knew everything then I probably wouldn't be so confused.  For some reason, I feel like I need to know everything, like this will change everything...  Change the illness, for instance.  I don't know why but this illness seems like a philosophical issue, and if I don't solve it then I'll keep on suffering in this manner.

This illness feels like an extra awareness (which I cannot yet grasp totally).  But I feel blinded by it.  Truer words have never been spoken.

Eventually I'll have to start studying books that I have, and I think, I'll be better for it.  Maybe this is my way out of this illness.  Yes, I think so.

---------- Post added at 08:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:15 PM ----------

I need to believe that I can help my schizophrenia in some way.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2010)

Really, it's not a philosophical issue. It's a mental health issue, a disorder with a physical basis like diabetes. Learning as much as you can about the symptoms of schizophrenia, making sure you take your medications as directed by your doctors, and learning what else you can do to counteract the symptoms of schizophrenia - continuing to do what you're doing now - these are the ways you can help yourself.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 15, 2010)

But why then does it feel like a philosophical issue?  It feels like I've done something wrong (or thought something wrong) in the past and that's why I'm having problems now.  It also feeling like if I solve the problem then I'll be in the clear.

It's kinda hard to know what's because of this illness and what isn't, if you know what I mean.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2010)

WilliamCollins said:


> But why then does it feel like a philosophical issue? It feels like I've done something wrong (or thought something wrong) in the past and that's why I'm having problems now. It also feeling like if I solve the problem then I'll be in the clear.


 
That's part of the illness. There are some similarities between some of the thoughts you have with schizophrenia and the type of obsessive worrying that people with OCD experience.



WilliamCollins said:


> It's kinda hard to know what's because of this illness and what isn't, if you know what I mean.


 
I do know what you mean, William. Again, that's part of the illness. The thoughts and beleifs seem very real and are very powerful.


----------



## WilliamCollins (Nov 16, 2010)

To David Baxter,

I just watched those two videos that you posted a while ago on the 1st page of this thread.  I thought the first one was very powerful but kind of a downer because it showed this man who was ill but it didn't show how he recovered.  He talked about how he wanted to kill himself and it ended with him still feeling like he shouldn't exist.

Are there more parts to the first video?  At the end it said "coming soon" so that probably means that there's a documentary based on his life, or something like that.  I'd like to see the whole thing.

I liked the second video better because it showed someone who was around my age and dealing well with her schizophrenia.  I was able to really relate to some of the things she talked about.  I also like the parts in which her parents got a chance to speak.  They're just like my parents! 

And when she said "I'm making this because I don't want you (as in me) to feel alone" I felt like she was speaking directly to me.  That almost brought tears to my eyes.

So I'd like to thank you for posting those two videos.  It really means a lot.


----------



## Eeyore (Nov 18, 2010)

Hey William,
I just wanted to say don't give up.  I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 3 or 4 years ago, and I am feeling better now.  It still is a struggle, however, I feel that I have done a lot of work in terms of my journey towards recovery.  The following things that have helped me are:

-taking my medications regularly and as precribed by my doctor
-making an appointment with my casework and/or doctor when not feeling well or people are telling me that they are seeing signs that I am deteriorating.
-making a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) - which was first developed by Mary Ellen Copeland.  
-participating in a "Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions" Workshop (I am happy to say I am now a peer leader in this as well).  This workshop was founded I believe by Stanford University.
-support of my family 
-support of my friends
-physical exercise or activity (walking or going to the gym).  
-eating healthy 
-attending a peer support group
-my faith and hope. 

I should say, that these are things that have helped me, there are things on here that you may choose not to do, and that is okay.  Recovery is unique for everyone.  It is a personal journey.  I hope this helps!
Take care.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 18, 2010)

Links and attachments in Adobe Acrobat  format for the materials mentioned in Eeyore's post:

Amazon.com: Wellness Recovery Action Plan (9780963136619): Mary Ellen Copeland: Books 

Amazon.com: Living a Healthy Life With Chronic Conditions: Self-Management of Heart Disease, Arthritis, Diabetes, Asthma, Bronchitis, Emphysema and Others (9780923521530): Halsted, M.D. Holman, David Sobel, Diana Laurent, Virginia Gonzalez, Marian, P


----------

