# he told me to go kill myself



## Jaine (Feb 15, 2005)

hi, last night while i walked into the loungeroom i asked mum well ok demanded my sleeping pills as she had taken them off me when i paid for them and are in charge of my happy pills akas antidepressants. im suicidal and my case manager in the past said for mum to be in chatge of it but i feel i should be since im 18 now and i wouldn't od on em anyway

i know andrew wants kersti and i out of the house and is even ,makin grandpa leave but how could u say something like that to a depressed suicidal person anyway?
things are normal now mum hasn't said anthing and we're acting normal towards eachother sorry i though i wrote what he said he said for me to go away and please kill myself. i told him id already been there but it didn't work and walked off.

anyway what does it all mean anyway.... is he serious?


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 15, 2005)

Who is Andrew? Is the the one who made the remark?


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## Eunoia (Feb 15, 2005)

mmh... I'm assuming Andrew is someone that is living w/ you guys and told you and your sister and grandpa to leave?? either way, jaine, no matter what he said, obviously it wasn't right. but I hear it all the time from people that don't understand the situation (I don't mean in regards to me, I mean I see it w/ other people and their family members, friends, etc.). But you have to remember that he probably just doesn't know how to deal w/ the situation. People seem to think one _chooses_ to be depressed, or feel suicidal etc... and even though we obviously make choices, it's not nearly as simple as that. B/c choosing to be depressed (as ex.) would mean everything is that person's fault and I don't agree w/ that. He was probably really angry or just didn't know how to deal w/ the situation.
I don't know what happens w/ you not being in charge of your meds... maybe b/c of the risk of suicide??? does it really matter how has them if in the end you get the pills you're supposed to have when you're supposed to take them? I know that for some people it's a safety net for them to hold on to the meds so that they're "assured" the person won't go and od.... so maybe that's another reason why your mom keeps them. But maybe try talking to her and making sure she is there when you need to take the pills or maybe she could give you the right amount of pills for each day (at the beg. of the day), that way it's not so much work for her to be there but you would still have control over the pills for that day and be able to take them when you need to (that way you guys both have control). maybe your mom also just wants to make sure you take them when you're supposed to take them, ie. sometimes people forget to take their meds which screws up their effectiveness. 

you said your mom and you are acting normal towards each other... so are things normal or are you just acting like everything is ok??? b/c that won't help you in the long run, either one of you. maybe try talking to her about what andrew said if you can't talk to him about it. and if not, just try keeping the relationship going w/ your mom. maybe talk to your case manager again for an update, ie. that you're 18n now etc.


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## Jaine (Feb 15, 2005)

Andrew is my mums fiancee we all moved into  a house they both paid half each for... the thing is though he's been dropping comments and things for a while now and even though it's not bacause of my being depressed or anything he still said it. things aren't good they havent been for ages and when ever i say things that i feel nothing gets worked on my case manager is fully awear of it all we catch up fortnightly. she and my counsellor aren't helping im going no where.


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## Eunoia (Feb 17, 2005)

is there any way that maybe your case manager or your counsellor could talk to Andrew? or maybe talk w/ him _and_ you there, so that you guys will have a chance to communicate better. He moved in w/ your mom but obviously you, Kersti, and your grandpa are still part of your mom's life, so he is going to have to deal w/ that if he likes it or not. But maybe trying to figure out a way to get him to understand what you're going through, and that his comments are not helping could get him to stop? Hearing it from someone else, like a professional (counsellor), may get him to listen up. I think the best thing you can do meanwhile is stay strong and fight for your relationship w/ everyone else in your family. It's difficult to change people or to get them to understand, but at least you and your mom have history together... same w/ your sister and grandfather... and Andrew can't take that away. I know it's easier said than done, but also remember you're 18 now. You have your rights and what he's doing is not ok. And sooner or later you'll probably move out eventually... do you think maybe it would help to get to know Andrew in a different context? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think the comments he's making are ok... but assuming he is an ok person, maybe he just needs to understand you better and the issues but also get to know you away from all of that.... you know??? I'm sorry hun, I'm hoping things will get better for you.


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## Techie (Feb 19, 2005)

Jaine said:
			
		

> i know andrew wants kersti and i out of the house and is even ,makin grandpa leave but how could u say something like that to a depressed suicidal person anyway?
> 
> ... he said he said for me to go away and please kill myself. i told him id already been there but it didn't work and walked off.
> 
> anyway what does it all mean anyway.... is he serious?



Hi Jaine,

I had a friend tell me that once too...  It comes from frustration.  They just cant see the things that go on in our heads.  They cant imagine the pain we are in.  And yes it is totally wrong him saying that... people like that cant see the bigger picture.

He probably sees you, Kersti and your gransfather as potential 'threats' for your mothers attention.

My advice is to have a few good nights sleep and dont worry about him.  Try to remember that many people just cannot understand what it is like.

Do you have something that helps you stop feeling stressed ??  Friends ?  Hobbies ?  Read books ?

Have you sat and had a talk with your mother ?


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## Jaine (Feb 21, 2005)

my mother can't be trusted she goes threw my rubish for crying out loud... theres no trust in my family every one finds out everything which i really hate... andrew has been okay but i feel worse mentally i see my psychologist tomorrow but im not sure if i can hang out and keep safe til then u know it's a horrible feeling this i wish i didn't have any of it i wish no one had to feel this way.........


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## Eunoia (Feb 21, 2005)

hey hun! hang in there! do you think that maybe your mom doesn't know how to handle the situation and therefore goes through your stuff b/c she's trying to find "clues"? Maybe she's worried about you. No justification for intruding on your private things, I totally get that. My mom does that w/ my sister... and sometimes it's unintentional but most of the time I know she's flipping out b/c she can't help her... and a name, a note, a clue... something might help her understand (which obviously just pisses me off and my sister). Tell her that you're 18 and that she can't do that (after all she wouldn't want you to go through her things). Ask her what she's looking for. Maybe that'll open up a conversation w/ her. enmeshed families.. I know all too well about it... you just gotta try and keep your privacy as much as you can.. and respect theirs... go away from your house to get some fresh air, meet up w/ people etc... that'll at least eliminate that stress factor for a little while. 

I wish I could make you feel better. I wish I had an answer. But hun I'm as lost when I feel that way and when it comes to my sister who's going through a hell of a time. And all I can say is there must be something worth to live for.. and you wouldn't know that if you wouldn't keep on going... take a day at a time... go to your appointment tomorrow and make the best out of it... be clear w/ your psychologist about how you're doing... You said you may not be safe until then?? what's up??? If you're really not ok try to call your psyhcologist before your appt... or your doctor.. etc... call a friend.. and if you think you can hold on until then but still may be in some danger try to distract yourself... stay busy... do something you like, whether it be baking, listening to music, writing in a journal, reading a book, going out for coffee.... I know how bad things seem... and you have every right to feel this way, but you also have every right to be happy... and I hate it when people say things will get better, but hun, one way or the other, sooner or later they will... life is like that.. don't give up, k??? you're so close to your appointment.


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## Jaine (Feb 21, 2005)

All of my life 
I have always been 
Never good enough 
A lonely sin 

All of my dreams 
Are about, to be held 
I need sumone to catch me 
If I ever almost fell 

All along 
Ive been wishing for a break 
Inside myself 
I store all this hate 

Sitting here alone and hurt 
And you cannot see 
This pain that I feel 
Brings out the poem in me 

The truth is... 
This heart that I own 
Beats with a sadistic face 
While my peace is stuck in stone 

I put my hand to my cheek 
And roughly rub my face 
Screaming in my head 
That I need some space 

If only it were so simple 
To just set me free 
Pleading to life, let me go 
Because it really hurts to breathe


that's how i feel but i dont understand it i had a good day like tafe is going good and ive made good friends but why am i still so depressed my mask works well hiding how i really feel sam and i went out and were talking about her wedding ect plans and yeh i had an ok time and shes got low self image esteem too bit she think i come across as having good self esteem beause i act like i do even though i dont its the mask i told her too she just had an abortion 5 week ago and i had one 3 month ago were so alike in most things its freaky but were diff too i think we'll be good friends but i still want ot die like im scared ill od tonight like my plan was which kept getting changed. im scared part of me wants to have a real life not one where im pretending to be ok ect i want to really live but the other doesn't where as before all of me wanted to die. im so so confused and scared right now what should i do ill tell liz if i can
help me david!


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 21, 2005)

You DO have to tell Liz what's going on and how you're feeling, Jaine.

Days like this happen to most of us. As I said to someone else today, it helps to understand that, when you feel this way,  you are not in a pit you have to climb out of, although that's often the way it seems.

Rather, you are going through a dark tunnel, sometimes a long dark tunnel, but you keep going and keep going and in due course you emerge back into the sunshine at the other end.

You don't need to pretend to be someone else. You really never did need to do that. You chose to do that for various reasons. With your therapist's help, you can learn why you made that decision and how to change it.


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## Jaine (Feb 22, 2005)

does that mean i shouldn't come here and ask for help when i feel liz isn't helping and when i feel beth isn't helping?


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 22, 2005)

No, Jaine. I don't mean that at all. You are always welcome here.

But I hope you will use this as an additional source of help and support, not as a substitute for seeing your therapist. If Liz isn't helping you, it may be time to find someone else who is more helpful. 

I can't recall: Is Beth your psychiatrist or physician?


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## free (Feb 24, 2005)

you will be unhappy until you learn that being happy is okay and that you a worthy enough to feel happy.  

it also sounds like you're around alot of unhealthy people; i wish you could find a safe place away from them.  at least find some people that could give you the respect and validation you deserve.


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