# Divorce your toxic family?



## Blue Boris (Jan 2, 2011)

I have cut my family off from my life since August 2010.

Logically, "on paper", it seems like the right thing to do. But I feel the peer pressure of society pushing on my. TV shows and movies ALWAYS talk about how family is the only thing we really have, and how we have to do everything we can for our family.

It's OK (socially acceptable) for me not to see my father as he sexually molested me when I was young. My mom and family are just toxic. Not overtly, not acutely, but in a very subtle way. So subtle that It has taken me a year of therapy to even admit it.

I don't think my friends would believe me if I told them the subtle ways in which my family emotionally abuses me. Puts me down, and tell me that I'm not worth anything through their actions. 

My therapist said she would like for me to consider not cutting them off forever, but that's all I want to do. I never want to see them again.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 2, 2011)

*Re: Divorce your Toxic family?*

you're really the only one who can make that decision and you should do what you think is best for you.


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## Blue Boris (Jan 2, 2011)

*Re: Divorce your Toxic family?*

It's easier to know that than to live it. (but you are right)




When I was young I was really shy and indecisive. I think I learned to be indecisive because it was the safest way to not **** anyone off.

I always looked to my mom when I was making a decision, to make sure she approved. I think I still do that a bit.

So yes I know the answer, but I guess there's still a little kid in me looking for the nod of approval from an adult.


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## CarlaMarie (Jan 2, 2011)

*Re: Divorce your Toxic family?*

I did it. I found it very hard but necissary. It was then I truly understood my relationship with my mother. The other members of my family were and are still in denial about who and what my Mother is about. I kept hearing when are you going to talk to your mother. I felt guilty but realized that was all I felt, no real connection and that was not enough and I deserved more so I stuck to my guns. She keeps wanting to have a relationship with me now. I get to set the boundaries and negotiate. I feel like it is only so she can appear to "look" like a good mother and grand mother. Right now she is willing to listen to me and what my experience was growing up through email. She was guilty of abandonment and neglect and says she didn't "know" of the sexual abuse happening. It's healing for me. In the mean time she isn't getting the pictures or the privilages of a relationship she has to do the work.
     I applaud you, it is hard and painful stuff, I remember how bad I wanted awknowlegment. The process will be rewarding. Keep on, I am glad you are reaching out here for support.


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## Fish_In_The_Sea (Jan 2, 2011)

*Re: Divorce your Toxic family?*

I also "divorced" my mother and my extended family in May of 2001. The only other time I've dealt with them since is when my mother died in July of 2006. Nearly 10 years after the divorce, as a fatherless only child, It makes me sad to think that I don't miss her nor my handful of uncles and aunts. Because I need a family -- just not the one I was born into.

You can't really change your family members so I don't see the point of keeping contact with them if they maintain the unhealthy patterns you're struggling to grow out of yourself. I don't consider staying in a toxic family better than not having any family at all, even if the loneliness can be horrible at times. I find that the real challenge is creating a non-toxic family for yourself when emotionally, you're not even sure what that entails.


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## Blue Boris (Jan 2, 2011)

*Re: Divorce your Toxic family?*

I want to get married and have my own healthy family. 

I know I can't change my family, only myself. 

My therapist seems to think I'll be able to see them from time to time and not let their negativity effect me. At this moment I don't feel that there's anything positive or joyful that I'll ever get from them. They are all strangers to me who I don't feel like getting to know.

I already have one whole side of my family I don't see. My father sexually molested me when I was young. So I don't see him or his side at all. And it's never been a problem.


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## CarlaMarie (Jan 2, 2011)

I too have only one side of the family that we have known. My Dad left when I was young and they blamed my Mom for his Alcoholism. Why families do the things they do is beyond me. What I have done and was suggested by a therapist many years ago has been to focus on individual realtionships rather than them all as a whole. I don't get so overwhelmed that way. Some members I am closer to than others and some I don't speak to at all.
   I'm sorry about the sex abuse. The family stuff is hard to make sense of. Important in my opinion. It has been in my life in my struggle as a wife and a parent. I recreated the drama I grew up in and so didn't my husband. That has been a mess to untangle. I would suggest you get your mess untangled before the marriage and kids. But, what do I know? I am not an expert just a sick person trying to get better.


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## bloodwood (Jan 5, 2011)

Hi
I have always loved the saying about:   "friends are the family that you pick for yourself." 
The family connection is real but often not healthy. And when you are in that kind of environmet you will often fall into old unhealthy roles or find that others do. Sometimes it is simply healthier to stay out of that dynamic. Maybe sad, but healthier. I did it and am happier because of it.
The family I have is my girlfriend's and I am blessed to have them and my few friends.
Peter


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## CarlaMarie (Jan 5, 2011)

I have found people to surround me who are so much more than my family has ever been. I have found I still have to make peace within me with the family. My goal is peace of mind.


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## bloodwood (Jan 5, 2011)

The funny part is that I have found over the years that I have gravitated towards people of a similar ilk and background. "Like attracts like" I guess because we understand each other more easily.
Peter


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## Fish_In_The_Sea (Jan 5, 2011)

bloodwood said:


> The funny part is that I have found over the years that I have gravitated towards people of a similar ilk and background. "Like attracts like" I guess because we understand each other more easily.
> Peter


 
That's exactly what I would like to have for myself. Not to rant and complain but simply to experience life together with that aspect and understanding in common with regards to our blood family. May I ask what you've done to find this new "family" and how the topic even came about with these people?


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## bloodwood (Jan 5, 2011)

Hi,
I am not certain what you mean by how it came about. Basically I lived my life and found a natural comfort with those who had a similar past. As time goes by you come to be aware that a friend has a similar tale. Not surprising since a similar background often creates a similar perspective on life and similar coping mechanisms and responses. Therefore you have affinity. 
Some people are far more self aware and open to discussion and some aren't. My wife's family is very uncomfortable discussing trauma, baggage and struggles where-as my family (that I have contact with) speaks openly. We have delved into the stuff and realize we must deal with it each day and so we are comfortable discussing things.
When my wife met my family she was shocked at how open we were to talking about it.

Sometimes I will meet someone and perceive their damage and struggle before they speak of it. I may then raise the issue gently with a line like:
"That situation really bothered you didn't it?" or "You are having a really rough time aren't you?"
 That may allow them to discuss. I ask this when I'm aware they are dealing with something internally significant. If they cut it short I do not pursue it until another day. Eventually with trust they may be ready to talk. Each person at their own speed. I must say that sometimes it takes courage to broach these things with someone new but if done with sincere compassion they often welcome it. The idea is to find a friend with a common background that you can have a rapport and discussion with. It requires you being honest with yourself and them being able to do the same. Damaged people are like born-again people sometimes in their need and desire to speak of things. Some have to be encouraged. Some never get there.

The most power tool you can have is a comfortable openness to discuss difficult stuff. Don't push it but offer it where appropriate. Courage and compassion.

The friend families existed since I was quite young 10-12 as I gravitated to "safer" environments. It has always been that way. Many friends tended to be damaged somewhat because the "normal folk" may be a bit boring and out of touch with my frame of reference on life. 
I understand "not rant and complain". It is also "not be carried by"  But what is  is a desire to be able to share. That is where that healing is.
I don't know if any of this answers your questions. I hope so. Feel free to ask if not.
Bye for now


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## Blue Boris (Jan 5, 2011)

bloodwood said:


> The funny part is that I have found over the years that I have gravitated towards people of a similar ilk and background. "Like attracts like" I guess because we understand each other more easily.
> Peter


 
I have seen myself do this in the past. I moved out of town for awhile to be with my girlfriend who was in college at the time. When I came back I was shocked at my friends actions. I gave it some thought and realized that they acted no different than when I was in town. The difference was that I hadn't seen them in a while and had time to grow myself. So when I did see them next I saw them in a different light.


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## bloodwood (Jan 5, 2011)

You describe such an neat scenario. I have experienced this and it is like friends became strangers or somehow smaller and limiting. You realize that your previous relationship with them had been a real compromise. You described it really well. They hadn't changed, but you had. The neat part to me is that we aren't usually aware of growing in such a concrete and conscious way.

Your earlier question was about divorcing your family and a concern over permanacy and the possible loss.
The individuals who cause you harm may evolve and deal with their stuff. That might be a marker point where you could think about having them in your life again. I divorced some of mine when I realize that I was getting nothing from a relationship with them except pain, self doubt and anger. I guess it is always good to keep the door open...or at least don't throw away the key. But to me the true question is whether you benefit from a relationship with them or not.
Peter


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## busybee (Jan 6, 2011)

Its amazing how common this really is.  Evidence of the need to distance ourselves from our families is shown in the angst at Christmas when forced to play Happy Families. The old saying you inherit your family but choose your friends. At the end of the day you draw a line in the sand and say..."this is what is good for my emotional well-being." Own the people in your life that you want to be with, you will be a true friend.  Unfortunately people have a tendency to wax lyrical about familial relationships... the reality often does not hold. Blood is thicker than water... hmm...  

Dont forget that as we grow and learn and our perspectives change decisions made that made sense in 2011 may not hold the same value as the years progress. We reach a better understanding of ourselves and of those around us.  Do what is best for your emotional well being.. but dont forget to grow.


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## Yuray (Jan 6, 2011)

Has your therapist given you any reasons for maintaining at least minimal contact?


> TV shows and movies ALWAYS talk about how family is the only thing we really have, and how we have to do everything we can for our family.


They are only TV shows and movies depicting ideals to perhaps strive for and maintain. They do have value, but don't necessarily reflect real families. Besides, advertisers want wholesome family value shows to sell their product.


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## CarlaMarie (Jan 6, 2011)

Depends what movies you see and what T.V shows you watch I tend to gravitate toward a good story. The last movie I saw was Black Swan. I'm there with Busy Bee my goal is to get to forgiveness. Lord knows I do my best at parenting but it is hard! I hope my kids are forgiving of the mistakes I make.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 6, 2011)

Switch to watching cheesy horror flicks and you won't have to struggle with that _Father Knows Best_ stuff.


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## Fish_In_The_Sea (Jan 6, 2011)

bloodwood said:


> I am not certain what you mean by how it came about. Basically I lived my life and found a natural comfort with those who had a similar past. As time goes by you come to be aware that a friend has a similar tale. Not surprising since a similar background often creates a similar perspective on life and similar coping mechanisms and responses. Therefore you have affinity.



Somehow this "like attracts like" theory hasn't worked for me up until now. Practically every person to whom I've told I had cut off ties with my mother when asked about my family has had a "But she's your mother!" attitude with me, even when they themselves didn't have such a great relationship with the person who gave birth to them.


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## Blue Boris (Jan 7, 2011)

My family is my sister, step-dad, and grandmother. I know my grandmother won't ever change. She has old me specifically that she refuses to say anything bad about people. Other clues too lead me to believe that she is co-dependent and in denial. Outside of money there isn't anything I got from my family. I don't know them as people, and they don't know me. Whenever I tried to share myself my mother would subtly let me know that I had crossed a boundary. I've learned in therapy that she had her own issues, and my personal autonomy and individuality was one of them. So we are not close. I would have no problem never talking to them if they weren't family, my step-dad I'll probably never talk to.


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## CarlaMarie (Jan 7, 2011)

Ok what stops you? I have tried a few tactics. I blocked out my entire childhood for a long time moved across the country. Quit answering the phone and made a life that didn't include the abused child. I tried to stop the memories but they find their way back in. Those issues I had back with my family of origin sneak into my current relationships. I wish that worked for me it didn't. I have to process through what happened to me. It cought up with me.


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## bloodwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Blue Boris:
One of the key difficulties with divorce is the question of: "What if I had tried this...or that...could I have fixed it?"
This question lingers for years. Intellectually you know what the answer is but emotionally it can nag at you. And any conact that you do have where things feel a little better can cause you to hope and wish...sigh. It is difficult. 
It really sounds as though you have come to a conscious, considered and healthy decision and are working on accepting the truth of the decision. If it helps at all you should remember that the decision is ultimately reversible if things ever did change. In my case my father changed and became aware a year before his death. He realized what he had lost in his family. Not a really happy ending but it was some validation.

CarlaMarie:
Your story is the truth of the lesson that a wall doesn't work. The yucky part is that we have to snuggle in with the truth of who and what we are and try to come to peaceful terms with it in order to get past it and get free of its affects on our life today.
Peter

---------- Post added at 09:39 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:36 AM ----------

Fish_In_the_Sea:
What I called "NormalFolk" is what I refer to as people who have not experienced trauma - or - discovered that they have lived trauma. 
These good souls can often not appreciate your frame of reference. The word Mother means something different than it means to you. The same often goes for the word "Family" "Home" etc. They will likely never ever be able to appreciate what you have experienced and how that has shaped you. What I have found is that only when they have had their life shaken can they start to understand what it can do to you and how very deeply it can touch you. You are on your own journey much different from theirs and you can only wish them happiness for the bliss of their own lives. They are lucky.
You have to choose your own path for you. The one that fits YOU - not them. 
It sounds like the "every person you told" were mostly un-like you. One way you might be able to encounter more of the "like" people is at encounter groups. We have found them very helpful places to discuss and exchange and you may occasionally meet an person where a friendship could develop outside the group. If not at least you are discussing those things inside the group. We really benefited by it and there is lots of them listed on the psychlinks.ca site. I found them to be casual, welcoming and supportive. 
Find a way to expose yourself to people who are "like" you to encourage the chances. One note is that you want "like" but also at a relatively similar level of self awareness or higher.
Peter


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## CarlaMarie (Jan 7, 2011)

And that is the hard part Peter. It is nice to hear from someone who has gotten through all the way toward peace. It gives me hope as I continue through the muck. It is a process I understand. Blue Borris I'm glad you have chosen to take the walk instead the wall route.


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## bloodwood (Jan 7, 2011)

CarlaMarie:
"...all the way toward peace..."

Oh yes, Nirvana is mine!!!   And I have an extra cushion here if you drop by.     [hummmmm]    **


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