# Being rational



## Ashley-Kate (Jan 28, 2007)

okay i don't' know if it is because i have a past of abuse that i am freaking out about this or if it is normal that i am not sure , today i was confronted with a man that has been in my family as a friend ever since my parents divorced and he came to be like a father fro me cause of the absence of my biological father but anyway today he sat me on his knees against him tight and asked me if i knew how much he loved me i told him yes like any girl would say to her father and he looked me in the eyes and told me he was in love i am 18 he is 48 he then asked me if i wanted to be with him and i was so scared i answered i was already in a couple with someone to get away from an awkward situation but it only got worst he told me to think about it and then kissed my neck , than he told me again tat he loved me and that he couldn't wait to taste my lips he tried to kiss them but i turned my face and he kissed my neck once again i just feel sooo disgusted i don't want to leave home or move i keep washing my hands and my neck and my face over and over but i just feel like i caused this somehow i sent him the wrong impression.. anyway I am freaked out i don't know what to say to him my mom doesn't want me near him but i feel i need to explain to him but how??
yours truly
Ashley


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## Daniel (Jan 28, 2007)

*Re: being rationnal*



> am freeked out i don't know what to say to him my mom doesn'T want me near him but i feel i need to explain to him but how??



I would agree with your mom.  Just stay away.   If I was you and I saw him on the street, I would just do a 180-degree turn and be obvious that I was avoiding him.



> i just feel like i caused this somehow i sent him the rong impression..



Of course, it's nothing of your doing.  He's obviously living quite instinctually.


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## Into The Light (Jan 28, 2007)

*Re: being rationnal*

you're not being irrational and you did not cause this. you don't owe him an explanation. i think avoiding him would be the right thing to do.

:hug:


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## Halo (Jan 28, 2007)

*Re: being rationnal*

I agree that you owe him nothing in a way of an explanation and your best bet is to stay away from him....as far away from him as possible.  I know you said that your Mom doesn't want you near him but is that because you told her what happened or if you haven't told her, do you think that you can tell your mom about what happened and get her support?


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 28, 2007)

my mom is aware of the situation and she is very upset cause a couple of weeks ago i went to her when i found that he was acting a bit odd around me and i thought it was a bit strange and well she dissagreed she thought he was just acting like a father figure of some sort and told me to let it be i let it be so yesterday when i told her she was extremly mad but also felt bad because she didn't trust my opinion before


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

well things sort of turned sour in some ways ii went to the mall the other day and well he was there waiting for me as i left my boyfriend after saying godbye he was at the other end of the hall way staring at me and then when i reached near him he started talkinmg to me and i just stood there saying nothing he told me that his whife left him he was crying and well he took me in his arms and told me that he loved me and i couldnt even get away i felt frozen i just let him take me in his arms , once he left i went to the bathroom and was in shock i felt he owned me that i could not get away from him and my boyfriend saw me when i got out and came to me and asked me if it was "him" i told him yes and he offered to come to the police station with me but i had to go to work i went to go back and see my mom but he was there  my mom didn't say anything cause she wants me to do something about it .. i am sooo scared i can't even leave the house i freak out every time the phone rings or at work when someone gets in the store tomorrow i am going to go see the security at school to ask them to watch out for him so he doesn't come there , i am also going to go see a police officer that works in my school to see what can be done but other than that i am freeking out i did not even leave the house he is everywere i go ..  
help ashley


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

> he was at the other end of the hall way staring at me and then when i reached near him



Obviously, at least in retrospect, it was a mistake to approach his direction.  You are doing the right thing by contacting school security and the police.  At a minimum, the police can provide you with some safety tips.



> he took me in his arms and told me that he loved me and i couldnt even get away i felt frozen i just let him take me in his arms ,


Why didn't you scream?  You were in a public place, so I don't understand why you let him touch you without screaming, even though he WAS a family friend.   Anyway, the important thing is to ensure you don't freeze if you see him again.


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## Halo (Jan 29, 2007)

Daniel,

I understand what you are trying to say about screaming being in a public place but I know all too well the feeling that Ashley-Kate experienced and being in that frozen state and being unable to move or speak.  Hindsight is great when you think back and realize that yes screaming may have avoided the contact but until you have actually experienced that state, it is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there.

Of course this is just my opinion based on personal experience.


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

Anger is really helpful in such situations.   One can also practice screaming at home (I'm serious.)


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

> i am sooo scared i can't even leave the house i freak out every time



Unfortunately, such anxiety may also help explain the frozen fright reaction you had at the mall.   In any case, taking a self-defense class may be empowering.


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## ThatLady (Jan 29, 2007)

Ashley, report this man to the police immediately. Get a restraining order to keep him away from you. Do not allow him to control your life, or to cause you to live in fear. Report him now and take the necessary steps to get him out of your life once and forever!


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

I totally agree and wonder why I didn't think of that before. One of the most important things to state on the request for restraining order form may be:



> he told me...he couldn't wait to taste my lips he tried to kiss them but i turned my face and he kissed my neck once again



This along with the fact that he waited for you at the mall and grabbed a hold of you should be more than enough to get a restraining order.


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

Also, the mall security people may have a video tape of the incident.


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

BTW, the "frozen fright" reaction is more common than the "fight-or-flight" reaction in most cases of rape:



> “There is that conventional wisdom that victims should fight and kick and scream,” Lorah said.  “Most victims actually freeze when the terror kicks in, an almost out-of-body-type of experience, a disassociative kind of thing. Some victims fight and kick and scream and that gets them even more seriously hurt – it gets them beaten.”
> 
> “Frozen fright is what it’s called,” Cook said.
> 
> ...



So this would be another reason to be proactive, e.g. get a restraining order and get advice from the police.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

yeah i know what you mean i really had no choice butto go in his direction cause there is 2 exits in the mall and the only one i could take was the one near were i was going to work and that was were he was at and i don't know why i didn't scream i feel so powerless when he is there i feel as if he can play me as a doll use me that is why in normal surcomsatnces i avoid him but otherwise i am just unable to defend myself from him ... i am just freeking out i don't understand why me .. why is this happening 
ashley


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## ThatLady (Jan 29, 2007)

The important thing is not why this is happening, Ashley. The important thing is to stop it from happening again. You need to take action immediately.


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

> I am just freeking out i don't understand why me .. why is this happening



What about the police?  Are you contacting the police?   Are you going to file a restraining order?


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

i just feel that if i  cal the police i haven't really told him to lay off to leave me alone i just moved away that's all .. maybe i am the one that is not clear enough in my messages


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## ThatLady (Jan 29, 2007)

Ashley, don't analyze the problem. It's a major issue. Call the police immediately!


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

That's what happens.  The victims blame themselves.  You need to report everything to the police and request a restraining order.   You have nothing to lose by doing so.  We are talking about your physical and emotional well-being, after all.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

i just don't want to believe that someone that i was close to that treated me like i was his own daughter would do this to me there must be a rational explanation


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## Daniel (Jan 29, 2007)

The rational explanation is that he is horny and since he knows you so well he may believe he can get away with anything.

Honestly, you are being the classical potential rape victim by not calling the police.


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## ThatLady (Jan 29, 2007)

Ashley, it doesn't matter what you do or do not want to believe. This man is a sexual predator. What if he's doing the same thing to some other young girl? This is not a time to ask philosophical questions, Ashley. This is a time for action, pure and simple. Call the police.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 29, 2007)

There is a rational explanation. He is a predator and he has picked you to be his prey.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

i am no longuer  a minor so what he is doing must not be illegal.. i didn't say "NO" i didn't say nothin.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

i am just scared!!!


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 29, 2007)

> i am just scared!!!



I totally understand that, Ashley. I think he knows that too. That's why you need to understand this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. It has to do with this man taking advantage of you, preying on you. It has to do with your need to take steps to protect yourself from him.

There are laws about this sort of thing and police to uphold those laws. Think seriously about taking advantage of those resources.

If you're not ready to do that, then you need to talk to your family and friends and ask them to help you keep him away from you.


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## ThatLady (Jan 29, 2007)

It doesn't matter that you're not a minor, Ashley. What he's doing is illegal whether you're a minor or not.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

easier said than done! i admired him... i am the stupid one that didn't see this comming


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 29, 2007)

No. You're not stupid. 

Ashyley, I think by now you're probably feeling that everyone here is giving you a hard time about this, and i suppose in a way they (we) are.

You do not have to do anything you're not ready to do. But please understand at least that there are things you COULD do and that you are not helpless and that you do not have to continue to allow this man to terrorize you. Talk to your mother. Talk to your friends. Get some advice from them.


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## ThatLady (Jan 29, 2007)

You're not stupid, Ashley. You're a victim. Victims aren't stupid, but they too often blame themselves. It's not your fault.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 29, 2007)

yeah you are absolutly right i feel that no one sees how hard this is for me


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 29, 2007)

I know it's hard.

Psychlinks Forum members are just trying to give you their best advice. Take what you can use right now and file the rest away for another time.

The only thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. It was NOT anything you did or did not do. It was not your fault.

After that, your next step is to try to figure out a way to keep yourself safe. What people here are trying to do is make suggestions on how to do that. Do what you can. That's all. That's all anyone expects of you, Ashley.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 30, 2007)

oh it is just so hard i am freeking out cause i know tomorrow i am going to have to leave the house to get out to go to school... i shut my eyes and i relive everything in my head his hands his lips on my kneck his arms around me i can't get it out of my head .. tomorrow i am also seeing my psychologist who is specialised with sexual abuse victims and that reasures me she may be able to help me out .. and before i see her one of my friends i spoke to is going to come with me to see the educator that was at the gym saturday when the hole thing happened and then after together we are goingto go see the school principal to get him to take care of the hole school protection thing and i am going to try and see if the police officer that works at the school is there.. i am just scraed i am making a big thing of nothing


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## ThatLady (Jan 30, 2007)

I really think we do understand that our suggestions aren't easy to do. However, I also think we realize how very important it is that you remain safe. This man is a danger to you, and that matters very much to us because you matter to us, Ashley.

I've been where you are. I've been stalked. I've been accosted, and I've been raped. I know all about the self-blame and the denials. I also know that I don't want anyone, anywhere, to have to undergo that kind of pain. Not ever. That's why it's so important to people like me that this kind of thing be reported, and that people like this man are not allowed to terrorize you, or any other young woman. :hug:


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## ThatLady (Jan 30, 2007)

You're not making a big thing out of nothing, Ashley. What you've described here is definitely not "nothing". Sometimes, we almost have to take ourselves out of the situation and substitute someone else in order to see things more clearly. Imagine how you'd feel if this were happening to someone you loved -like your daughter, or your sister, or your dearest friend. Imagine what you'd want for them to do to maintain their safety.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 30, 2007)

i will tell you guys how eerything goes at school tomorrow 
thanks


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## ThatLady (Jan 30, 2007)

I'll be looking forward to hearing how things go, Ashley. Just take care of yourself and try to have someone with you when you're out and about. Don't go on your own for the time being. :hug:


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## foghlaim (Jan 30, 2007)

(((hugs)) Ashley.. i'm sorry this is happening to you. 

I do hope you will report this guy to the police and get help in staying safe. keep in mind, you have done NOTHING wrong.   

I'm glad to see that you have plans in place (with your friend).  and as That lady has said,  let us know how things went and are going . 

you are in my thoughts. :hug:


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## Halo (Jan 30, 2007)

Ashley,

I just wanted to say that my heart truly goes out to you and I can relate to some of what you are experiencing. As others here have said, you did absolutely nothing wrong and please try to remember that no matter how much your brain tries to tell you otherwise.  

The main concern is to keep yourself safe and I think taking some action today by going to talk with people at your school is a step in the right direction.

Let us know how it goes today at school and you will be in my thoughts today.

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 30, 2007)

well today i went and saw the educator that witnessed the hole thing this week-end and i did not even have to talk she had everyone in her office out and then asking me who the guy was and telling me she did not like the way he was with me she also informed the school security to watch for  him! So i got an appointment with the police officer in the afternoon and well drin gthattime i met with the psychoogist i am seeing who was very helpfull about it explaning to me that i  need to protect myself that i can't let myself be manipulated by him , than this afternnon the police and they told me that he would have to basicly tuch me inapropriatly as in sexual assault or physical for me to be able to make a complainte seeings how we already had a relationship that we were physicly close as in hugs therefore it would have been not enough for him to have started flirting with me fallowing me to work and all to do anything i need to wait. they also want me to go see him and tell him i don't want to be with him,.. they don't get it


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## Into The Light (Jan 30, 2007)

a-k, you did a lot of helpful things today, i am very happy to hear you were able to talk to all the various people that you did.

as for them wanting you to tell him you don't want to be with him, would it be possible to do this with someone with you? for example your mom? or maybe someone you've talked to from school? this would make it possible for you to do it.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 30, 2007)

the thing is i have not left the house exept to go to school in like 2 days i am too scared to leave  how woul i be able to leave plus see him


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## Halo (Jan 30, 2007)

AK

I just want to say that I think what you accomplished today was great.  I am proud of you for speaking out about what happened and for taking action to keep yourself safe.

I do agree with Ladybug about taking someone with you if you choose to go and see him.  This person is definitely NOT someone you want to approach alone.  Another couple of things to remember is that there is not set time in which you have to see him or that you even have to see him at all.  It is your choice, your decision, your life. Only you know what is best for you but we will be here to support you.

Take care
:hug:


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 30, 2007)

Why not have a friend or family member deliver that message by telephone? Or you could write a short note telling him you do not wish to have any further contact with him and have someone deliver that letter to his door for you. Have that person read and witness the letter.

I don't see any reason why you should have to confront him.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 30, 2007)

my psyhcologist told me that she could even wirte a letter with the name of her compagny cause she works for a center for help for victims of sexual assault and well she would bring me with her if i wanted to bring him the letter and she woudl stay with me  and wanr him that if he doesn't lay off the police is the next step.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 30, 2007)

That sounds like a plan to me.


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## ThatLady (Jan 31, 2007)

I definitely like the idea of taking your psychologist with you if you see this person. If you really feel like you can't face him, even if someone is with you, you could always allow your psychologist to write him a letter as she suggests, and put your own note with it in an envelope. Just tell him to stay away from you and that you don't want to see him again - ever! Put your psychologist's letter and your note in an envelope and send them to him, registered and certified so you'll have proof he received them. That should cover you completely. :hug:


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## Heather (Jan 31, 2007)

Hun not good and yeah it is not your fault you sent him no messages and the letter does sound like a great idea.

Heather...

P.S. if you feel comfy doing so, pls let us know how it all goes.


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## Halo (Jan 31, 2007)

Ashley-Kate said:


> my psyhcologist told me that she could even wirte a letter with the name of her compagny cause she works for a center for help for victims of sexual assault and well she would bring me with her if i wanted to bring him the letter and she woudl stay with me  and wanr him that if he doesn't lay off the police is the next step.



This definitely sounds like a good plan and it is really nice to hear that your psychologist is willing to help.

Take care
:hug:


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## Ashley-Kate (Feb 1, 2007)

after having locked myself in the house for the past 3 days i did not leave only to get a ride to school my mom could n't take it anymore and told me to get out so i went to see her at work and .. he got there a couple of minutes after me .. i then left as soon as he got there escorted by my sister .. and as soon as we left he left as well when i got home i went ot get my stuff for the gym went to the gym. his car was there , i came right back home and i am not leaving at all tonight i am freeking out i hate this i can't breath.. i feel inmprisonned
ashley


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 1, 2007)

That's called "stalking" in this country, Ashley. Have you delivered the message or had someone deliver it for you to tell him to stay away from you? Once you've done that, if he continues to ignore your request, it's time to lay charges.


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## Ashley-Kate (Feb 1, 2007)

i haven't sent it out yet cause i have not seen my psychologist yet since  i will see her on monday of next week


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 1, 2007)

OK. I guess at this point your best bet is to continue doing what you can to avoid him - or ask your mother to intervene by telling him to back off.


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## Ashley-Kate (Feb 3, 2007)

tomorrow i am goingto have to go face to face with him if i ever intend on pressing charges i need ot say clearly to him that i do not want him to come near me anymore .. i was working earlier and he came 2 times and well i called the people that work with me to come replace me and i enede up having to hide in the back for about 15 minutes cause he was waiting outside and the guy that was working with me did not want me to get out until he was gone .. i am freeking out i can't stand this so tomrrow i am really going to go tell him, .. at the gym where there is a lot of people that i want him to take distnaces from me cause i feel uncomfrotable with the approch he had with me last week,, 
i am sooo scared.
yours trully
ashley


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## foghlaim (Feb 3, 2007)

Ashley, you do not have to meet this guy at all. wait until you speak to your psychologist 1st, on monday. 
As T L wrote you could 


> Put your psychologist's letter and your note in an envelope and send them to him, registered and certified so you'll have proof he received them. That should cover you completely.


I would hope the letters are enough to give him the message loud and clear!. 

Mean time, make sure you have company if\when you are going anywhere. 
(do you have a camera??, maybe whoever is accompanying you can take pics of him in your vicinity. That could further strengthen your need for a restraining order if it comes to that) 

I can only imagine how hard this is for you and how scary it is.. just remember you have ppl who are able and willing  to help you deal with this, so please *do not meet the guy at anytime on your own.*

:hug: :hug:


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 3, 2007)

I can well understand that this is frightening and more than a little creepy, Ashley, but to put it in perspective it really doesn't sound like he poses any physical danger to you. He's convinced himself that he loves you so he's following you around. It's unlikely that his motive is to hurt you.

That isn't to say I don't think you should take action against him to keep him away from you. I just don't want you to be panicking about what he might do to you.


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## foghlaim (Feb 3, 2007)

> It's unlikely that his motive is to hurt you.


I was thinking this as well, Ashley.. when i said don't meet him on your own, my thoughts were that he could play on your emotions and maybe give you a hard time with whatever he might say to you. If you have company when you go out, my guess is he would be unlikely to approach you.

I hope this gets sorted out soon for you.


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## Heather (Feb 4, 2007)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Strength hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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## foghlaim (Feb 5, 2007)

Hi Ashley, how's things with you today.   Did you get the letter from your psychologist?    or did you speak to him as you were saying you were going to?   

thinkinging of you ok.


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## Ashley-Kate (Feb 5, 2007)

things are not so great i had a very breif meeting with my psychologist as she informed me that she may not be qualified to help me at the moment and therefore wants to step back.. do to other probleme i have at the moment.
yours trully ashley


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 5, 2007)

She should give you a referral to someone else then. I think that is what is ethical on her part.


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## foghlaim (Feb 6, 2007)

Sorry to hear that Ashley, it's a pity  because she seems to definately care a lot about you,  but on the positive side, she knows her limitations  too and will i'm sure help you to find some one more suitably qualified to help you.   

let us know how you are getting on while all this is happening okay.
we are here for you.
((hugs))


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## ThatLady (Feb 6, 2007)

To whom is your psychologist referring you for treatment, Ashley? Psychologists don't usually just bow out without arranging for a qualified professional to assist you.


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## momof5 (Feb 7, 2007)

Ashley-Kate said:


> yeah you are absolutly right i feel that no one sees how hard this is for me


I can see how hard this is for you.

Anytime someone is assualted as a child, and we are in situations like this, we fear that someone is going to say it is our fault some how.

It isn't your fault, and as others have stated, he picked you as his victim.

Just remember that you are a survivor. And we fight things that come our way like this.

I don't think you need to tell him to stay away to file a police report. Let them know that he is stalking you and you want a restraining order put against him.

I think this is one of the things that you can start with. Don't think about what others in your family woudl say about it, and just cause he was like a father figure, doesn't mean that you aren't able, or allowed to put a restraining order against him.

My heart goes out to you with all of this. Safety is first, get a restraining order, let them know he is stalking you. From what I have read in this thread, this appears to be what he is doing to you.

mom


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