# Hope someone can give some advice



## rkj (Nov 28, 2009)

First off hello i'm new here so sorry about my poor choice for a thread title, here's a little bit about me, I'm a 22 year old male, currently working and going to school, me and my girlfriend met in school while she was still going and we were friends at first and moved from there.

We have been together for five years now and it seems things are getting worse, at first everything was fine but over the past few years her anger has been getting worse and I know it's my fault cause I do so many dumb and stupid things but we some how always make up and everything is fine, however

she will get mad at the littlest things and will end up throwing things or shoving things off a table and breaking them or like the other day she got mad cause of a way I made a sandwich and she poured her drink on the counter, recently she caught me looking at something on the computer and she got ticked and beat me and wouldn't let me go to sleep, I wasn't able to go to sleep until she fell asleep at five am

then later on in the day she woke me up and proceeded to pinch, scratch and punch me in the arm and now it's like nothing happend and were loving on each other etc, she also trys to change me in how I dress etc says she's the one who wears the pants and bosses me around all the time etc she also belittles me all the time and she said the reason why I walk the way I do the way I act and talk and stand is because I'm gay which I'm not,

she always calls me stupid and seems to think I'm some sort of ladies man or something and that I'm trying to get with other women which I'm not since she was my first girlfriend and my first in everything and I'm lucky to have her but with all these problems and everything I'm getting so stressed out and everything I almost want to kill myself or join one of the armed forces to get out of here.

I'm sorry for the really long post and I hope someone has some advice or help to give, thanks for Reading


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## NicNak (Nov 28, 2009)

I am sorry, that is awful how your girlfriend treats you.  No one has a right to hit, kick, pinch or punch you regardless as to what things you think you do to deserve it.  

I always say the only time I hit is when someone hits me first, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

May I ask how long you have been dating her?


By the way :welcome: to Psychlinks!


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## rkj (Nov 28, 2009)

We have been together for five years,I never hit her like she does me it's not how I was raised, she also says the reason why I'm not a man and why I don't  step for her is because I'm gay like my father it runs in my blood i have never been around my dad nor do I want too, he is always in and out of jail and he is always getting women pregnant


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## NicNak (Nov 28, 2009)

Honestly as awful and straight forward as it sounds, it sounds like she is verbally abusive and is physically abusive.  Neither of which is good for anyone to be around.

When I was in an abusive relationship, things would be bad for a while, then all perfect. 

A line from the song Sober by Tool rang really true to me in regards to my experience



> I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down



It sounds to me like what your girl is doing.  

How recently did the verbal abuse and her hitting you start?


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 28, 2009)

Men can also be victims of partner violence and it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. Have a look at some of the articles in the Abuse, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum forum and see if any of that resonates with your experiences.

Both of you could probably benefit from some counselling. If she won't go with you, go on your own.


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## rkj (Nov 28, 2009)

About two or three years ago it was before I got my job and before my old car died she got ticked and I almost lost her cause I was spending slot of time Reading and posting on q message board for my car


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## NicNak (Nov 28, 2009)

As Dr Baxter said, it seems like a good idea to have some counciling.  If she won't go with you, you should go by yourself.

Your relationship sounds abusive and controling.  Often times, I know it was the case with me, I didn't realize how bad it got until someone I trusted pulled me aside and said "Listen, you do not see how badly he treats you and it isn't right"

Sometimes that is what we need to be able to see that it is not a good situation we are in, to stop blaming ourselves and feeling like we are deserving to be treated badly.  

I am sorry you are being treated badly, hopefully counciling will help your relationship and if not then it should help you heal.  :support:


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## rkj (Nov 28, 2009)

Thank you very much for all the help if anyone has anything else they would like to say I welcome them too also just typing it out and someone listening and giving me advice and help has lifted alot off my chest and I feel better than I have in a while, I know my gf won't go with me but I will go by myself thanks again


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## moomoo (Nov 30, 2009)

rkj said:


> First off hello i'm new here so sorry about my poor choice for a thread title....... over the past few years her anger has been getting worse and I know it's my fault cause I do so many dumb and stupid things



I hope you are ok. I can see you've been through a really rough time.

There's nothing wrong with your choice of title. It's a good title, in fact.

I feel sad to read these words of yours "I know it's all my fault" I feel sad because it's a lie that your girlfriend has groomed you to believe.

I think the first step for someone in your situation would be to decide what it is you would like to see change.

For example, if you went to counselling what would be the goal? 

Would it be to get it all off your chest?
Get tips on how to 'fix' her anger?
Gain the courage and support to leave her?

This relationship is unhealthy, I am sorry to be so blunt, but I don't mean to be unkind.
Love doesn't hurt - it feels good - all the time!

If you want to stay with her you'll need to accept some hard facts about her behaviour. She won't change, you've said it yourself - she's getting worse.

She'll continue to get worse over time, because that's what abusers do. Sadly.

I do wish you all the best with any decision you decide to make, I think you've done the right thing by reaching out on this forum.

Best Wishes.

mm


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## sparkely (Dec 29, 2009)

hey woa!!! That is absolutely not healthy.  male or female that should not happen and doesn't matter what you do in a relationship there is no excuses for any type of abuse. You should not stand for that for one second. We all have made mistakes through out life and i wouldn't blame your self for her actions. I think she has some serious issues with herself. You should ask your self do you see her in your life 10 years down the road? if you can what does it look like? I hope you figure this all out, maybe talk to her? if she starts to get extremely angry if you talk to her about it then i think you have your answer. we all have anger issues trust me i can get very very very very angry and i have been with my boyfriend for 4 and half years now and i have never called him a bad name nor have i ever thrown anything because thats something that shouldn't happen. at least i think anyways. 

hope everything has worked out for you good luck!!

---------- Post added at 02:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:41 PM ----------

I TOTALLY agree with moomoo!!!!!!


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## rkj (Mar 12, 2018)

wow i completely forgot about this post, it has been a very very long time, to update we are still together, she still gets mad at small things and some of that is because i am a little lazy and of course when i dont dress a certain she gets upset saying i make her look bad etc etc, 

but some stuff has gotten better like her not throwing things and breaking things etc, not everything but some things and we still love each other and we are currently engaged and looking for a house and taking care of debt which has lifted a huge weight off our shoulders, 

thanks to everyone for your helpful advice and kind words and if anything changes or anything at all and i need advice i will post it here! thanks again!


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## Retired (Mar 12, 2018)

> she still gets mad at small things and some of that is because i am a little lazy and of course when i dont dress a certain she gets upset saying i make her look bad etc etc,




The advice offered by David nine years ago would still hold true now, as you are both nine years older and some of the inappropriate behaviour persists.

What if any steps have you taken to get couples counselling?


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