# Feeling Worthless



## Bumblebean (May 22, 2014)

I hope this is the right place to post.

About 2 years ago my physical problems had gotten so bad that someone started trying to find a volunteer to take me for errands once in a while. Very quickly someone came forward. She seemed really nice and seemed to take to me and I liked her almost straight away, so there was me thinking everything was tickety-boo. Then this winter she went away on holidays and said she'd be in touch when she got back, only today I find out as I'm hobbling around doing my errands and trying not to pass out from the pain, that she's been back for almost three months and not gotten in touch with me. I can guess at reasons, volunteer burn-out maybe being top of the list, but I'm feeling hurt and rejected and worthless. In the meantime, the person who asked around for volunteers straight away after she'd found that volunteer seemed not to  want any more contact with me, not even for me to say thank you. I guess she feels she's done her part and  wants to get on with her life. I have lost count of the times people who  came forward offering help - not a case of me going to them and ASKING  for help - who suddenly drop out of my life. Them and so many friends  and relatives. I guess that's life. Well, for some, at any rate. Do I have to say this is not helpful when it comes to me trying to stay on top of my depression? Do I have to say I think I'm a stupid sap to like people and want to trust them?

 Every time I see yet another person pulling back from me, it's like adding another brick to the wall growing around me. Every time this happens I have to fight against feeling like barely-human garbage all over again, but no matter what, I can't kick those bricks down again. I only just hope, each time it happens, that there turns out to be some reason besides the fact that people don't like being around me - unless they're wanting to tell me their problems - but over time it's getting harder to find something positive about myself. I'm running out of reasons to care. I know myself pretty well and I don't THINK I'm a bad person, but I guess there's something I'm not seeing because always people seem to be running away from me in droves. It makes me want to just hide away and never have to see anyone. Whenever I hear about someone with friends and family who love them falling sick with something fatal, a big part of me wishes I could take that sickness from them. Let that person have their happy life filled with love and set me free from this living death. 

Just a little ray of sunshine today, that's me ...

:hopelessness:

BB


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## Jesse910 (May 22, 2014)

Hi BB:

I'm sorry that you're having a not so good day.  Sometimes, it's difficult to get people to assist especially when it's a volunteer basis.  Most volunteers help out for a period of time.  And, because people don't like others to dislike them, they are often not truthful when they are no longer willing to help.  Does your budget allow you to pay for someone to help you?  Is there an agency that you can contact to help you find a group, or persons to be of assistance?  

People don't plan to be immobile.  Things happen.


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## Bumblebean (May 22, 2014)

Jesse910 said:


> Sometimes, it's difficult to get people to assist especially when it's a volunteer basis.  Most volunteers help out for a period of time.  And, because people don't like others to dislike them, they are often not truthful when they are no longer willing to help.



Hi Jesse. I know this in my head, if you know what I mean, but it can be very hard to know it in my heart. I likely expected more from this person than I had any right to. She's always on the go, which I have to admit I envy a bit. She a few years older than I am, retired - if someone who's never had to work a day in her life can retire - etc and very healthy, and involved with everything you can think of, so I told her more than once that if it got to where taking me around for my weekly errands was one thing too many to please not worry and just tell me so. And she could be very good at saying when she had too much on her plate or maybe when she just didn't feel like it. She had no problem either in telling me she'd not be available for the next "x" number of weeks. I didn't ask why and she didn't say, and I was fine with that because after all it was her time she was generously donating to someone who had been a stranger. So it's very confusing that she couldn't have called or emailed me at some point in the last 3 months and just said things were busy and likely she'd not have time. I guess that because when I make a promise or a commitment, I do everything I can to keep it, and if I can't I let people know, I kind of assume other people would do the same. Pretty dumb, I guess   But whatever was or is going on with her, I suppose at some point I crossed some kind of invisible social boundary or assumed we were on friendlier terms than we actually were. I'm just glad I didn't actually run into her face to face today. I think it would have been very hard to hide that I was hurt. As it is, I found out from a mutual acquaintance who had a hard time looking me in the eye and was probably wishing we hadn't passed each other outside that coffee shop she was going into to meet my ex-volunteer.



> Does your budget allow you to pay for someone to help you?  Is there an agency that you can contact to help you find a group, or persons to be of assistance?
> 
> People don't plan to be immobile.  Things happen.



I'm lucky when my budget allows for transportation, though I try to set aside enough to get public transit in winter because I'm very scared of falling, and if there's an agency out there anywhere, I haven't heard of it. The person who put out the request for a volunteer in the first place looked around a bit and didn't find anything, and when I worked up the courage and choked down my pride enough to call a couple of church pastors, I didn't find anything either. So I will carry on being as mobile as my body will let me til it goes on strike or my dr finally has enough "proof" of sufficient disability to get me into some kind of care facility (I think that's what he called it). I hope I hold out for a long time. I'd prefer to deal with the pain and moving slow and having to take 2 or 3 days to recover from doing my errands on foot than find myself having lost the last of my independence and living under the same roof with a whole bunch of people who could take their turn at letting me know I'm "person non grata" as I think the saying goes. 

Yuck, I'm sorry to be so negative today. While I was posting earlier, my cat was telling me it was time for a snuggle, so I went and laid down and ended up dozing off, but I guess I should have slept a bit longer  

I should be grateful for small furry favours. When I came home this morning feeling like something people scrape off their shoes, there was kitty in the window, excited to see me, and I almost burst into tears right there. At least my cat likes me, and not just for the food   She'd way more prefer to cuddle than eat, bless her.

Thanks,

BB

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* When I said I likely expected more from her, I meant respect or courtesy. She always seemed like such a kind person, and not getting in touch with me as she said she would is something I feel isn't very kind.


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## Harebells (May 23, 2014)

I'm glad you have the kitty BB, it's so lovely having animal friends, we can really let our guard down with them! I have a cat too and I dote on her.

Sorry that happened with your volunteer, it's always somehow harder to deal with these things when we don't know what the problem is, hard to stop going over everything and wondering, even though it's likely to be something going on with them and not about us. I know exactly what you mean when you say about knowing it in your head but not in your heart. But there will be people, I'm sure, who will be delighted to have you in their lives as a long-term thing x


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## Bumblebean (May 24, 2014)

Hi Harebells. Yes, hard to not wonder. I never expected it to be long-term and was just thankful for whatever help she gave me, which was a real life-saver in the winter especially. It's that she didn't do what she said she'd do, which was to get in touch with me when she got back. I had the feeling before she left that when she got back, she'd not want to pick up where we'd left off, though I'd hoped because it wasn't just helpful, it was so nice to have someone to chat with and talk about common interests. So it's not about her not wanting to pick up again, it's that for whatever reason she couldn't or wouldn't say something to me. I have had so much of people stomping all over my feelings, and even when I tell them they've hurt my feelings, they act like I'm out of line for saying so, I guess I just hoped she would be different. 




> But there will be people, I'm sure, who will be delighted to have you in their lives as a long-term thing



I'd like to think so, but experience has taught me different. If it's ever going to happen, it better get a move-on because I'm not getting any younger. I was always on the fringes - probably I'm more weird than I realize - and lately I sometimes wonder if I even really exist. I wish there was a switch inside my head that I could flip and stop caring, and especially stop hoping, because I'm well sick of being disappointed and time doesn't make it any easier.

Well, that's me, Suzy Sunshine  - cheerful and upbeat as ever. I have as many good days as I have bad days, but the bad days seem to come in big bunches, and I can't always just "suck it up". My auntie used to tell me "this too shall pass". She was right - she always was about things - and I try to remember that, but sometimes things just want to get said no matter how hard I try to keep schtum.

Thanks,

BB


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## Harebells (May 25, 2014)

Hi Bumblebean hope you're having a better day today. I don't know what's the story with the volunteer but I guess maybe she meant to get in touch and didn't get around to it or didn't know what to say and then it felt like too much time had passed or something? Maybe she feels a bit guilty or awkward. I don't know, just a thought. Would you feel comfortable getting in touch with her somehow, either to broach the subject or see if she's open to chatting?

I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of being on the fringes, even people who might not appear to be. So there are definitely people who can relate to you - I know it can be hard to find them though - and often happens when you're not expecting it. I always had that feeling of being a bit outside of things, but I actually don't mind it now...most of the time anyway! But I can understand not liking that feeling x


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## Bumblebean (May 28, 2014)

Hi Harebells. Well, she and I ran into each other today, and it was "interesting". I greeted her like I'd greet anyone I knew on a casually friendly basis, and was admiring - very sincerely  - her holiday tan and asking after the family. We chatted for a few minutes, and I just kind of pretended I didn't notice all the ways she tried to find out if I was going to expect her to pick up where things had left off when she so clearly didn't want to or she'd have gotten in touch with me. I know she saw me hobbling past that coffee shop the other day, so she could have rung me at some point between then and today if her promise to call when she got back had slipped her mind, but she didn't. 

Anyway, we didn't talk for long, in fact she basically cut me off after a minute or two, saying she had to run, which was kind of embarassing and didn't do my ego any favours, but I guess she was feeling even more uncomfortable or maybe worried that I'd get around to that question she didn't want to hear than she looked. So really, nothing much has changed except now at least the hard part as far as she goes is over. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to carry on like this with virtually no transportation, but like my auntie said, you work with what you got. Worst that can happen is I end up in a wheelchair and then the powers that be will have to give me a helper of some kind or move me to where I can get more help. Not my first choice, but I have been aware of that possibility for quite a while and I think I can live with it.

Now you mention it, I think there can be a kind of plus to being on the fringes. I don't like myself most of the time, but I do like being free to be myself, if that makes sense. It causes problems - I really need some tweaking! or do I mean a major overhaul :lol: - but at least for good or bad I'm my own person. All that and a quarter will get me a cup of coffee, but I guess life is all about trade-offs. 

Thanks,

BB


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (May 29, 2014)

Perhaps it would be healthier to accept that volunteers are temporary.  I get that you get that in your head, but not your heart.  I've had that sort of thing happen to me in different ways.  But if you remind yourself to distance yourself emotionally, sort of think of this as a profession, then perhaps you wouldn't feel so stung if they up and leave?  


Maybe there is a better volunteer system?  Is there an organization who might have a pool of volunteers to ciculate?


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## Harebells (May 29, 2014)

Hi Bumblebean. Sounds like you handled that situation well, to not react, especially if you weren't expecting to see her right then! It does seem pretty off of her to not even let you know what's going on, she must know how confusing and hurtful that would be for anyone - but I guess it can be difficult to say uncomfortable things directly sometimes...but yeah drives me mad if someone seems off with me but won't say why, it's actually easier if I know what the problem is even if there isn't any other real resolution. it often turns out everyone is guessing what everyone else is thinking and getting it wrong because no one has been talking!!  

I really hope you can find someone else to help you. Mind yourself x


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (May 29, 2014)

Sorry if that came across as trying to fix something rather than listening...  My goal was to try to help you get something more stable and routine-ish so it wouldn't feel like such a blow each time someone might awkwardly wander off into oblivion.   And if it was a volunteer organization taking care of you/you were registered with, I thought it might at least help a little. You know, you might still have a "favourite" volunteer, but maybe if it was someone that stayed for a few weeks, and then someone else for a few weeks, and occasionally you'd still see your favourite once and a while.  I am not sure how it works, but at least you'd have something, hopefully, and not so haphazard where when someone leaves without notice you have to go through all the footwork and trouble of looking for someone new.  That process would be a strain for me, too.  I hate that sort of thing.


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## making_art (May 29, 2014)

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time finding help, Bumblebean......do you have family close by?


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## sunflower (May 31, 2014)

Hi. It sounds so challenging to not get feelings hurt when it feels like a rejection. Nothing concrete said.  Just sort of backing out without saying anything.  I can understand somone feeling bad about themselves under this circumstance. Because I would do that. Although it might well not be the acurate reality of the situation. What she did does not sound respectful.  If she had discussed it with you perhaps you would have not felt so disregarded or minimalized.

finding, what I would call earth angels to volunteer on an ongoing basis is difficult.  Just if they could leave in a way that is not hurtful it might help.  I am so sorry this happened. And I am sorry that getting around by yourself is such a challenge


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## Bumblebean (Jun 4, 2014)

Hi. I apologize for not seeing these new posts sooner. I have been  in too much pain to sit at my computer for any longer than 5 minutes per  day to check email, and I did not receive notices of new posts.

Hi Harebells,  yes, it's less confusing and can be constructive if people can just  say, preferably in a mannerly way, the why or wherefor of things. I have  people go off me all the time, and I never know why because no one ever  says anything unless it's to gossip about me. Oh well. Lately I've  gotten a few clues and am experimenting, not that I see a lot of people  to experiment on, but I'll no doubt keep at it.  Sometimes I think it just comes down to the nature of the people I end  up in contact with. The class system is still alive and well, and I've  never had a social niche (I think that's the word), even when I was  young and healthy. Always off marching to the beat of my own drummer  Well, better to be myself than re-make myself into  someone I'm not. After all, I'm the one who has to live with me.

Hi jelly  bean, there's nothing to be sorry for. It's kind of you to want to  help. Unfortunately for a lot of folks around here, there is no volunteer  organization like you describe. It would be wonderful for many people in  many types of situations, but the government isn't about to cough up,  the charity "clubs" have long since stopped being community-oriented,  and if an independent citizen has thought of it, clearly it didn't fly 

Hi make_art, nice to meet you. No, I don't have any family left on this side of the pond and the few that are still over in UK (England and Scotland) all have their own struggles or basically turned their backs on my Gran and Mum years ago (my Dad was part Native, which was totally not acceptable to a lot of the rellies) and haven't changed their minds about pretending this branch - or do I mean leaf? - on the family tree doesn't exist. On my Dad's side there's no one left at all that I know of, but then they were never close except for my auntie, who died quite a while ago.

Hi sunflower. So true about feelings being hurt. I have always as far back as I can remember said to people I'd prefer to know what they're thinking than to be constantly trying to guess. I don't think this person feels badly about having decided to step away. The feeling I got was that she wanted to come across as friendly but to get away before I asked - which I never would have done - if we were going to pick up where we'd left off when she'd gone on holidays. Funnily enough, if she'd said something about not being able to help me out any more, even just in an email, I'd have been fine with it. Disappointed, but I wouldn't feel like I'd been chucked into the bin. Maybe from her point of view, Charity Cases aren't the same as regular people  or maybe she prefers to focus her time and energy on her very busy social life, but when all is said and done, I'm just back where I was before. Maybe I deserve more respect, but what I think and what happens often is out of my control. People see what they see, and once their minds are made up, it's very hard to change them. Often  it's too hard to be worth the work, especially if someone can so easily see people for less than they are. The constant rejection really does wear me down though and makes it hard to believe in myself. I think of that old saying about "so many people can't be wrong", and I have to make a real effort to remind myself that very often in human history, many people have been very wrong.

I guess life just kind of goes on. My dr wants me to get more exercise and he's getting his wish   though for how much longer I'm not sure as, on top of the pain I have  already, I'm getting strange and nasty pains in new places, and the ones I already have are getting worse. Walking is good for the arthritis in my  feet, knees, and hips which are painful but not so advanced, but way less for the mess we call my spine, so  I expect I'm getting the kind of breaking-down I was warned about by  another dr when I found out just how bad it was. It's likely a strange  way of thinking in that I figure if I carry on taking care of me as best  I can, and I end up unable to walk at all, someone will have to do  something, like maybe my dr fighting for me to get a bit of care, which I wish I didn't need but I have to put pride aside if I want any quality of life. It all goes back to that "invisible" disability thing. Not a  chance I'm going to allow damage to happen on purpose, but when stuff  happens because of the way things are, then maybe that's what's supposed  to happen. I'm not sure if that's crazy logic or just Tao logic :lol:  but there's not much else I can do. There are people who know I have  difficulties, even if they can't understand how much they interfere with  daily life, and they know where to find me if they get the urge to lend  a hand, which two or three times a year someone does. I'm just grateful it's summer and I have some time to think  about how I'm going to get around come winter when the wind is cold and  the ground under my feet can't be trusted.

I hope I haven't left anything out, I really can't sit here any longer. I'll apologize in advance that if there are more posts, it may take a while for me to get to them.

:thankyou2:

BB


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jun 4, 2014)

Hey ya Bumblebean.  No worries, you take as long as necessary before answering. 

I don't suppose you could ask them to sign a monthly contract?   I don't know if a volunteer would do that.  But if they agree to go month-to-month and give you 30 days notice (terms you would write into the contract) then you'd have something more than a verbal agreement.  Even if it is verbal, you can make it clear at the beginning what your expectations are:  "Please tell me at least a month in advance if you are moving on to something else.  There will be no hard feelings, but I just need the time to find someone else."  Who knows maybe they can even recommend someone they know to take their place...

Sorry this is so rough on you.  ♥


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## MHealthJo (Jun 4, 2014)

Hi there Bumblebean,

I'm so sorry to hear the things you go through.

I just wanted to add that there are  definitely a lot of times when people did intend to get in touch about something or do a certain thing, but they get busy or put it off, and then, a short while later they are too embarrassed to do it as they feel they should have done it earlier. 

Letting someone know you don't want to do something for them anymore or can't comfortably fit it in, is an uncomfortable situation that a lot of people just cannot bring themselves to do, unfortunately. They can feel even more terrible if they know you don't have many options and you have a difficult situation. They just may not 'go there'....  It is a shame...


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## Bumblebean (Jun 5, 2014)

jollygreenjellybean said:


> I don't suppose you could ask them to sign a monthly contract?   I don't know if a volunteer would do that. ♥



Contract with whom? There are no volunteers and I don't expect one to show up any time soon since I won't be advertizing and no one else is looking on my behalf any more. If I end up in a wheelchair, I might be assigned a part-time caregiver by way of the BC government, and they'd be the ones laying down the rules. In that case, the best I could expect is to be kept in the loop.

:flowers:

BB

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MHealthJo said:


> I just wanted to add that there are  definitely a lot of times when people did intend to get in touch about something or do a certain thing, but they get busy or put it off, and then, a short while later they are too embarrassed to do it as they feel they should have done it earlier.



You're right of course, though in this case the getting in touch was pretty open, as in she'd ring or email kind of "whenever". It was said in a way that would make it very easy to give a reason why it took a long time to contact me. And since she was so obviously in a hurry to escape before I could say anything about whether she would be willing and able to help me out now she's back, I have a hard time believing she forgot then didn't know what to say. The look on her face was tense (and her repeatedly asking me how I was doing and how great to see me "out and about" was kind of a give-away). She didn't look embarassed or uncomfortable, and I was very careful not to give her any reason to feel embarassed or awkward. Still, I'm not a mind-reader, so who knows? 

I guess I'm kind of judgmental or something (I can't think of the word) in that on some level I end up expecting people to feel the same way about promises and commitments as I do. Those standards won't let me just let something like that slide. It's very hard when I have to tell someone I won't be able to do something after all, but to not say anything is worse.

I also tend to be a bit gullible in that I take people at their word.

Life is just one really long learning curve I guess 

:thanks:

BB


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## making_art (Jun 5, 2014)

BB, I would feel the same way as you if someone who was helping me did not return or give me some kind of communication about their future intentions when the expectation was that they were returning.

Not sure if this will be helpful and I know how hard it is to look, read and talk to people about getting assistance when you are depressed...but here is an idea:

The Arthritis Society of BC has links for support services on the left hand side of this page-   Also, I was thinking that if you had a social worker who could do this searching for support services for you, that would be ideal. After all, that is what Social Workers do and the Arthritis Society has some and they specialize in arthritis! Social workers will have keys to doors for services that we do not have as the general public!  Here is info about them from the link above to the Athritis Society of BC:

Social workers are trained to assist you, and those close to you, in  dealing with practical problems, or the social and emotional changes  caused by arthritis. Social workers can help you regain a sense of  control over your life. As each individual’s experience of their  arthritis is unique, counselling is provided based on a person’s  identified needs, and the way in which the person with arthritis wants  their concerns addressed. Through their support the social worker hopes  to provide a person with arthritis with the tools and confidence to  achieve and maintain an improved quality of life.

 Social workers attached to the Mary Pack Arthritis Program are  counsellors who have a Master of Social Work degree from an accredited  university School of Social Work.* A social worker can be contacted by phone at 604.875.4111 extension 68812*. * This service is available for any person with arthritis in BC. No  referral is required. *A social worker may be able to help a person with  arthritis to achieve the following goals:


Understand and access appropriate community resources 
Improve communication with their health care team 
Create financial stability 
Overcome bureaucratic or institutional barriers 
Manage a specific crisis 
Live successfully with chronic illness 
Obtain emotional support 
Obtain support for pre-surgery concerns 
Improve relationships with spouse, partner or family members 
Create a new life plan


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## Bumblebean (Jun 10, 2014)

Hi make_art. Again I apologize for delay. For some reason I'm not getting notices by email any more. Maybe I messed up with my settings or something.

I hate when it seems like someone's just waving aside my suggestions, so I hope this won't seem like I'm doing that when I tell you I have been in touch with at least half a dozen people at the BC Arthritis Society, who all basically told me what everyone tells me, which is to get more exercise and talk to a therapist about living with chronic pain. When I stop laughing or crying, depending on how frustrated I am, I repeat that I am seeing a psych (and sometimes a councelor) and that I have more than one physical issue and that what works for one can be damaging to another and give them a short run-down of what I mean. When I said this to one of the people at the A.S. who finally seemed to get what I was saying, they gave me a contact number which was never answered and never returned my calls.

Do you ever get the feeling life or fate or whatever is shoving you in one direction and nothing you can do makes any difference? I know so many people with less disability who get everything they need and then some, while I can't even get a phone call returned. Some days I think I should just go with the flow and let whatever's going to happen just happen.

Anyway -- sorry to wander off like that -- I have had some help locally from a branch of the Health office. The person I talk to there has helped me get a few things (e.g. a chair for in the shower) that I can't afford to buy and that have helped. I am getting worse quite quickly no matter how hard I try to pace myself and take as best care of myself as I can, so it will depend on what gives out next whether I talk to my dr or to the Health office, or most likely both. I sometimes want to just laugh and laugh when it comes down to the fact it's all the walking everyone's so big on and I have no choice but to do that's causing the most harm. 

Well I hope I'm making some kind of sense. I'm hurting pretty bad and really fog-brained today, but I think that pretty much covers it as far as any kind of help available.

Thanks

BB


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 10, 2014)

> For some reason I'm not getting notices by email any more. Maybe I messed up with my settings or something.



1. Add forum@psychlinks.ca to your email address book
2. Try unsubscribing and resubscribing to threads you want to receive notifications for

What email provider do you use?

*Added: Okay, checked your account and I see it's GMail. They recently changed the way they flag spam which is creating problems for many forums. They may be going to your spam folder. Can you check that for me?

If they're not in Spam, then they are probably just being rejected and not delivered, which is obviously annoying because I don't get a bounceback telling me there's a problem or what the problem is. Other forum owner have run into this issue.

Try option #1 above and I will investigate further when I get time and energy.*


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## Harebells (Jun 11, 2014)

Hi Bumblebean, wish I knew of some practical help to give you, it sounds so hard to have so much pain all the time, I can't even imagine it to be honest, it sounds like you face it with a lot of fortitude. Sometimes you have to nag and pester and harass the people who are supposed to help, phone them all the time until they come through for you. But you've probably done that already so sorry if I'm preaching to the choir. How is your wee cat? Hope she's giving you some comfort...:whitecat::cat3:

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oops sorry, I don't know why that duplicated!

I thought someone on this thread had suggested going to the media, like writing to the paper or something, but I can't find it now. Maybe I imagined it or maybe it was something on another thread, sorry if I'm not giving credit to whoever's idea it was! I guess you could write anonymously if it felt too exposing...

P.S. I'm with you on the not remaking yourself as something you're not - way too difficult to keep up forever!


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