# Walking wreck



## dewberry (Nov 14, 2005)

Hi, I desperately need some help. I feel like a total waste of life.

I struggle mostly with depression, self-hatred, lack of confidence, jealousy and fear ... a paralyzing combination. These problems interfere with my love life, career, faith and social life.

On the whole, the way I feel about myself has caused me to become unhealthily withdrawn (among other things). I almost always stay indoors and I've recently managed to push ALL of my friends away. Some of them are still reaching ... but I'm still hiding. People have hurt me deeply, so I avoid them ... all of them and the likes thereof. I've stopped taking calls and I don't go outdoors because I fear I will see someone I know and will have to explain to them why my life is a wreck.  

I get so angry and hurt when I think about all the things I haven't been able to do because ... well, because I was stuck being me all of my life. I still miss out on too much because of who I am. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to live out the dreams I've dreamt up for myself. What's worse is that I have to watch others fulfill their dreams, some of which are identical to mine. This is where the jealousy grips and strangles me. It's gotten so bad that now I am jealous of anyone and everyone who is a constant reminder of what I'm not, whereas before they may have inspired me to become who I wanted to be. Now I can't even bear to hear about anyone who is doing better than I am, but yet I won't dare to get out there and do something because I feel completely useless, insignificant and afraid. I think my "talents" are inferior and inadequate. These feelings are reinforced when I hear people like my family support others and forget to support me. It seems each day brings something that sends me into even deeper emotional distress.  

I'm just exhausted. I dont want to waste anymore of my life feeling this way but the person I've become is winning at destoying my future. What can I do?


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 14, 2005)

I suspect the problem is that you're looking at the big picture and feeling overwhelmed. Breaking it down into one step at a time makes it feel less overwhelming and more achievable.

Are you currently seeing a therapist?


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## SadGirl (Nov 14, 2005)

I can totally relate to the jealousy problem...I hated (go ahead and laugh) Jessica Simpson, I was so jealous of her.  Particularly her seemingly perfect marriage which is the marriage I dreamed of having myself before my romantic hopes were dashed and destroyed time and time again.  But I was jealous with other people as well, people who seem really happy or who have not made the mistakes I have , etc., it is a painful reminder that I messed up and not very inspiring at all.  It is a problem that I hate and I wish I could overcome it.  I recently decided to think along the lines of..well, I am not Jessica Simpson and I will not fall in love and meet my husband to be at 18 like she did, but I am me and she will never be me and have my qualities. she is her and I am me and we both have good and bad qualities about us.  Someday I will meet a great man and though it wont be exactly like Jessica Simpson's fairytale story, it will be the best story for ME as my own person.  Do you understand?  I am not Jessica Simpson, I am me, and I have my own story to create.  She is the best Jessica Simpson she can be and I am the best me that I can be.  I would make a horrible Jessica and she would make a horrible me.  God gave her her life to create and I have my own life to create.  Your mistakes are part of who you are and you can use them to better yourself and to from now on draw from them to create your best life.  If there are dreams you had that are impossible for you now, create new even better ones, or just different ones that are just as good.  Start now, begin anew today.  Get up, get dressed and start putting it all together....And pray to God for help...feel free to pm me if you want  

Oh I want to add...maybe those you are jealous of you can just ask yourself why and instead of being jealous , maybe just use it, like I was thinking, what if I decided to use Jessica...not that I want to be just like her, cause obviously I can't be...but just maybe try to be positive and happy like she is, try to find true love like she did, be myself like she is, etc.  Instead of being jealous of it, take stock of it and see if it is something I can do for myself, perhaps in my own way...


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## dewberry (Nov 14, 2005)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> I suspect the problem is that you're looking at the big picture and feeling overwhelmed. Breaking it down into one step at a time makes it feel less overwhelming and more achievable.
> 
> Are you currently seeing a therapist?




Hi, thanks for responding. I started counselling a while back at my school but I stopped going because it made me uncomfortable and I didn't think it was working for me. I moved away shortly after and have not seen a therapist since.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 14, 2005)

Perhaps it's time to think about trying therapy again. You have a lot on your head that you are trying to deal with and as I said the first step is breaking it down into managable chunks.


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## Eunoia (Nov 14, 2005)

hey dewberry! I agree that therapy, or just talking to someone who can help you "attack" all of those feelings and behaviours and help you get to where you want to go, sounds like a good start. Even though you said you no longer go out and do things, you did mention having dreams and goals- those may seem far away right now, but hun, they're still yours and the reason why they mean a lot to you is b/c for you that means success and happiness and you can get there. those aren't anyone else's goals, yeah, we may all want to get an education, have a career, have a wonderful family etc. but the details about each part makes it your own goal. Strive for what you want, be realistic but allow yourself to dream. Things seem really difficult now, but my point is there will be a tomorrow, and a tomorrow after that, and you may feel like things are hopeless and you have no control over things, but you do... in the bigger picture you do. 

I went to _one_ counsellor and it also didn't work... but that doesn't mean it'll never work, you just have to keep on trying. If you truly want this, want to be happy, then that's really not that much to exchange for happiness, right? Going and seeing someone? I think we can get so caught up in what everyone else around is doing, but there's two things about that: one, no one has a perfect life so even though you may see someone accomplish everything, they too have to work hard for what they have and you never know what struggles they deal with. And two, there will always be people who will be "better" than you in the sense that for ex. yes, there's geniuses out there who will ace every test, but there will also always be people that weill be "below" you- but in the end it comes down to you accepting yourself for who you are and working towards your own potential. 

There is no such thing as an "inferior" talent... 





> Every calling is great when greatly pursued"


 (Oliver Wendell Holmes). If you can't see the point of things now, remeber those goals and dreams that you have... they will keep you going, if not now, they will later. Noone can takes those away from you, so in a way they'll always be reachable, right? In terms of isolating yourself, I know it's tough... but if I can pass on any advise it's to try to keep a few close friends around- they will be w/ you when things get rough if you let them, I know you've been hurt but not everyone is out to hurt people. Friends can have such a wonderful way of lighting up a day, try doing something w/ one or two once in a while, even if it seems a drag.... anything to get a break from "this", right? don't give up hun.


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## dewberry (Nov 15, 2005)

Eunoia said:
			
		

> hey dewberry! I agree that therapy, or just talking to someone who can help you "attack" all of those feelings and behaviours and help you get to where you want to go, sounds like a good start. Even though you said you no longer go out and do things, you did mention having dreams and goals- those may seem far away right now, but hun, they're still yours and the reason why they mean a lot to you is b/c for you that means success and happiness and you can get there. those aren't anyone else's goals, yeah, we may all want to get an education, have a career, have a wonderful family etc. but the details about each part makes it your own goal. Strive for what you want, be realistic but allow yourself to dream. Things seem really difficult now, but my point is there will be a tomorrow, and a tomorrow after that, and you may feel like things are hopeless and you have no control over things, but you do... in the bigger picture you do.
> 
> I went to _one_ counsellor and it also didn't work... but that doesn't mean it'll never work, you just have to keep on trying. If you truly want this, want to be happy, then that's really not that much to exchange for happiness, right? Going and seeing someone? I think we can get so caught up in what everyone else around is doing, but there's two things about that: one, no one has a perfect life so even though you may see someone accomplish everything, they too have to work hard for what they have and you never know what struggles they deal with. And two, there will always be people who will be "better" than you in the sense that for ex. yes, there's geniuses out there who will ace every test, but there will also always be people that weill be "below" you- but in the end it comes down to you accepting yourself for who you are and working towards your own potential.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the help but I can't afford therapy. I'll figure it out somehow but as long as there are people who are better than me at the things I love doing, I'll always have this problem.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2005)

There will ALWAYS be somebody better, not matter what you do. Aim to be the best you can be at something rather than the best at something.

It's the gunfighter syndrome: No matter how fast you are, there will always be somebody faster somewhere.


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## Eunoia (Nov 15, 2005)

the therapist that you saw at school, was this in hs or at a college/univ.? if it was the latter, they will have other therapists/counsellors at your new school as well so not only do you not have to go back to the same one and but they usually offer free counselling for students or services at reduced prices. They will at least be able to guide you in the right direction as to where to go, even w/ financial limits. If this is in hs, then you should have a new counsellor there too. If you're not in school, well then there's still services like community centres and community health agencies etc. that you could check out. Some insurance plans do cover (parts of) therapy depending on where you live and the type of therapist you go to etc. 



> as long as there are people who are better than me at the things I love doing, I'll always have this problem.


the problem w/ this is that as I was trying to say b/f, there _will_ always be people that will be better at some things, but that doesn't mean that your achievements are not just as valid or important. You can't let others determine how much value you put on yourself and the things you love, if you love doing them it shouldn't matter if someone is "better" at them.... for ex. if someone likes playing sports but is horrible at coordination they may not be the best person at sports, but if that's what they love doing then why not?! it sounds to me like you're just really overwhelmed by everything and discouraged by seeing others "move on" and reach their goals, but my point is you can still reach your goals too, as long as you don't strive for perfection, and in a way saying that you will always have this prob. if others are better at the things you love doing, is striving for perfection b/c you want to be the one doing it the best.... but that's not very realistic given the sheer amount of people in the world and highly motivated people around us. don't give up, but consider your options that you do have, and counselling would be one of those. have you asked your gp for a referral?

in the meantime, trying to take a few steps yourself by hanging on to a few friends and getting out to do a few things you have to do, and WANT to do (ie. the things you love) will show you that it is worth to keep going... as difficult as things seem. I'm not saying it's easy, by no means, but I've been on both sides and you just have to trust that there's hope.


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## dewberry (Nov 15, 2005)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> There will ALWAYS be somebody better, not matter what you do. Aim to be the best you can be at something rather than the best at something.
> 
> It's the gunfighter syndrome: No matter how fast you are, there will always be somebody faster somewhere.




Dr. I'd like to know how you make it through the day knowing that some psychologist out there is better than you are at the job you love. I don't want to sound disrespectful, but I'd sincerely like to know because its extremely hard for me to feel special about myself knowing that I'll always be second to someone else out there.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2005)

Knowing that somebody somewhere is better at some of the things I do doesn't make me feel bad at all. I pretty good at what I do. I know I'm better at what I do than some of my colleagues. That works for me. And when someone comes to me with a problem that I think can be better addressed by one of my colleagues, I tell that person exactly that.

I do other things as well, like this forum. I'm not bad at website design but there are people who are better. I'm pretty good at website promotion but I know there are people who know more than me. I've done some programming in my time but I know there are better coders out there too.

I play guitar. I'm not bad at certain types of guitar playing but my sons are both better guitar players than me.

The point is that I can do a lot of things - some fairly well, some really well. The fact that there are people out there who may be "better" than me at some of those things doesn't at all take away from my accomplishments.


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## Daniel (Nov 29, 2005)

BTW, regarding Jessica Simpsons' "seemingly perfect marriage," she is now separating from her husband Nick.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 29, 2005)

On the other hand, Homer and Marge are still going strong )


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## Banned (Nov 29, 2005)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> On the other hand, Homer and Marge are still going strong )




This made me laugh so hard I got a pain in my side!


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## ThatLady (Nov 29, 2005)

Let me pose a question, Dewberry...

Who is the very best actor in the world?

Now, I can guarantee you we'll get many different answers from people because being the best is relative. Best at what part of what? Best according to whom? Best according to what standard of measurement? Best at what particular time, or on what particular day?

It's not logical to think you're not good enough just because someone says someone else is "better". There are too many variables.


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