# Why is this happening to me?



## Miette (Mar 30, 2007)

Triggers you don't want to hear unless you are well 987654321 00000000

The last few days before yesterday I was feeling fine.  Yesterday things started to go well  in the am, but then the suicidal thinking started.  _{details deleted}_

Why do I want to die so badly.  I just feel like I have nothing to offer anymore and I can't stand doing this Ph.D.  I always just want to be a doctor and I just can't deal with the ridiculous hoops I need to just through my whole life. I was in medical school and now I'm a year behind to finish this research.  I'm finishing the research not because I have to, but because I feel like I should finish what I started.  Many people tell me I should give it up and be happy, take a few months off.  Can I just screw the research and live the rest of my normal life?  I'm sorry about the typos as you can see these drugs affect my cognitive ability.


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## braveheart (Mar 30, 2007)

How are you doing now? I'm concerned about you. I would suggest you see a dr about what's happening. It sounds like you're under lots of stress, and that could be a factor, but only you know why you might be getting the feelings of wanting to die. Like you also know why you might want to live.

If you're not fully enjoying what you're doing, it might also be an idea to talk to your tutor/supervisoring lecturer, whatever they're called for you, and discuss ways around this, maybe shifting the focus slightly might rekindle your enthusiasm.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 30, 2007)

> I can't stand doing this Ph.D. I always just want to be a doctor and I just can't deal with the ridiculous hoops I need to just through my whole life. I was in medical school and now I'm a year behind to finish this research. I'm finishing the research not because I have to, but because I feel like I should finish what I started. Many people tell me I should give it up and be happy, take a few months off. Can I just screw the research and live the rest of my normal life?



Absolutely.

Why would you want to continue doing something you don't need to do, will never use again, and is making you miserable? 

You may be able to put the Ph.D. on hold (withdraw temporarily from the program) to give your self more time to think about how important it really is to you. If not, my advice would be to continue with the M.D., which you seem to enjoy, and drop the Ph.D.


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## Miette (Mar 31, 2007)

Thanks for your responses.  I came to my computer and I can't remember writing this post.  I'm sorry about the triggering details I left in.  

I can't remember writing I think because I took some pills and things are quite fuzzy.  I feel better today, but I don't remember yesterday.  It's weird.  I don't know what to do, really.  I'm going to try going out tonight and lviing normally and hopefully everything will be ok.

Thanks again for your replies.  I'm glad I did start this thread, even if I can' remember doing so.


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## Halo (Mar 31, 2007)

Miette,

I am glad that you are feeling better today but I still encourage you to speak to your doctor about the thoughts and feelings that you have been having.  I really don't think that it is something that should be ignored.

I hope you have a good time out tonight.  Stay safe and have fun 

Take care
:hug:


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## Miette (Apr 3, 2007)

Thanks Nancy, I definitely will.  It's annoying this had to happen while he's away for three weeks, but that's life, eh?  Anyways, I know I'm not going to do this again, if I can't find anything in my life worth living for in the moments of irrational thoughts, I just have to think of how distressed my husband was at this whole scenario, and the desire fades... bit by bit.
Take care,
Miette


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 3, 2007)

I would also encourage you again to reevaluate your goals and priorities, Miette. I think that's important for all of us to do periodically. What is in your life currently that adds to or enhances you? Keep that. What is there in your life that detracts from your happiness or contentment, that adds stress and distress? Think about shedding that.


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## Miette (Apr 5, 2007)

Thank you Dr. Baxter, I do agree.  While the grad studies started out as being something I was doing for myself, it is not anymore.  I am now just completing it because I feel I owe it to my supervisor.  I think my conundrum with it is that I am writing my thesis, do I really want to give up now?  When I am feeling well, such as the last few days, it really doesn't feel like such a burden.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 5, 2007)

I see your point. Writing the thesis is probably the least interesting or pleasant part of any Ph.D. but if you've come this far I can see the incentive to continue, if you can.

What sort of deadline are you working within for the dissertation? Have you thought about requesting an extension to relieve some of the immediate pressure?


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## Miette (Apr 5, 2007)

I need to have the thesis completed by September, when I go back to (med) school.  Now the dissertation, therefore, could be scheduled at any time after that.  That is what sucks-I'm scared of the stress of having to defend my thesis during my clerkship.

The original plan was to defend my thesis before heading back to school.  That unfortunately got derailed due to my not being able to work a lot due to all the symptoms of my illness rearing their ugly head.  I may still try to defend before summer.  I think I could, if I remain well.  The problem is, I just don't know if I can hope for that.


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