# Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope



## Angel (Jan 9, 2005)

For years, I've felt alone, constantly questioning why I'm even here. I never can figure it out to the point where I'm happy enough that I don't feel like this. And lately, has been the extreme of it. 

Every time something good goes on in my life, soon enough either that, or five other things go wrong. And it takes me forever to turn them around or wait for something good to come along. It hurts so much that often I've debated on either running away from everything and disappearing, or ending it all.. So much so that I've not only scared my boyfriend/friend but also one of my best friends who has seen the depression I have been going through. When I talk about it with my boyfriend, he has to literally pin me down to get the pills out of my hand or take the scissors away from me when it's still in the thought stages. He also tries to stop me from leaving whenever I want to just run away and go somewhere where I don't feel like an outsider. Strange thing is, I don't understand why he does this.... especially after telling me that he wants to break up with me which brings even more pain into an already distressed and upsetting life. It's not because of our breakup why I feel so pushed to these thoughts but more everything combined. 

Even now, while I'm sitting here writing this, I'm in tears, holding onto my teddy bear that I've had as a comfort blanket for years. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to doctors, and counsellors but it doesn't help. And lately, I've felt like I'm fighting my own will to stay alive. But I'm gradually losing the war. I need help.


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## HA (Jan 9, 2005)

Angel,

A relationship breakup is a difficult time to go through. Especially when you are dealing with other tough stuff too! You will make it through this, Angel.

Do you have a therapist right now? Have you seen one recently?

Hug your bear to sleep and check in with us in the morning. We are hear for you. If you are feeling really bad right now right call a crisis phone line and talk to someone.

Northern B.C./Cariboo    
Williams Lake - Crisis and Counselling Program Crisis Line 250-398-8224 
Prince George -
Prince George Crisis Intervention Society Crisis Line 1-888-562-1214
Teen Crisis Line 1-888-564-8336 
Houston to the Queen Charlotte Islands, and north to the B.C./Yukon border, including Burns Lake, Mackenzie and Fort St. James 
Crisis Line 24 hours 1-888-562-1214
Teen Crisis Line 24 hrs 1-888-564-8336 
Quesnel - G.R.Baker Memorial Hospital-Quesst Unit
Crisis Line 250-992-9414 
Fraser Lake -
Fraser Lake Crisis Line Crisis Line 250-699-6315 
OKANAGAN/KOOTENAY Penticton - Summerland - Oliver - Osoyoos - Princeton 
Penticton & Area Crisis Line Crisis Line 250-493-6622 
Vernon - Salmon Arm - Revelstoke Pin Crisis Line
Crisis Line/Teen Line Crisis Line 250-545-2339 
Cranbrook - Community Action Centre Crisis Line 250-426-8407 
Serving the entire East Kootenay region, from Golden to the Alberta and USA borders. Crisis Line 24 hours 1-800-667-8407 
Kelowna - Westbank - Winfield - Lake Country 
Kelowna Community Resources Crisis Line 250-763-9191 
Trail - Rossland Crisis Line 250-364-1718 
Serving the West Kootenay and Boundary regions, including Nelson, New Denver, Nakusp, Salmo, Grand Forks, Caltlegar & Christina Lake -
West Kootenay-Boundary Regional Crisis Line 1-800-515-6999


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## Angel (Jan 9, 2005)

Thanks.. I know it's going to be really hard.. especially living about a block or so away from him and wanting to come over alot of the time. I just don't really know what to do ever and it's so hard.. 

To answer your question, I've seen theripists in the past but I haven't been able to contact one right now. I've tried making appointments but seems like I keep hitting dead ends. 

I'm really scared. I don't know what is coming next and it scares me to know that I have such a challenge ahead of me. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle it.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 10, 2005)

Angel, have you tried any of those crisis lines posted by Heart Art? If not, we'll dig a little deeper for you. Send me a private message with your location (city/town) and I'll see what I can find for you.

Also, do you have a family doctor? If so, ask him/her for a referral -- he may know of someone taking new referrals.


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## cm (Jan 10, 2005)

Angel,  when you hit a dead end of the highway, a new road must be started.  It may only start as a narrow trail and someone stronger at the moment may have to break it ahead of you, but it will lead you to new discoveries along the way.  (Glad you're along on the journey with us!)
cm


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## haunting (Jan 10, 2005)

Angel, sometimes our "teady bears" that we have to hold can help comfort us. Have you talked to anyone?? I do hope you try some of these phone numbers or send your info to Dr. Baxter. Please be safe and know that there are so many others that want to help you and see you become well. Get the help you deserve and keep us posted if possible.

Sending you my best wishes and my thoughts are with you....

Haunting


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## Lana (Jan 10, 2005)

Hi Angel;

I have always loved stories that inspire.  Your post reminded me of a story about an old man and a butterfly.  

Once upon a time, an old man was walking through the forest.  He was a kind man who loved everyone and everything, and was loved in return.  On that one day, he came across a cocoon and noticed that it was moving, for it had a butterfly growing inside.  He picked it up and took it home with him to care for it.

After few days, he noticed that the cocoon was moving a lot, as if there was a struggle inside.  Feeling sorry for the butterfly, he opened the cocoon setting it free.  But to his shock, the butterfly fell out, looking lifeless, crumpled, and gray.  Fearing he has hurt it, he quickly put the butterfly back inside the cocoon and sealed it with honey.

The next day, he noticed that it was moving again.  Relieved and concerned, he watched closely.  Few hours later the cocoon opened and out came out a beautiful butterfly, spreading her beautiful wings with vibrant colors.  The man watched with pride as he cheered for it to fly.  The butterfly did just that and flew away.  The man was so proud and happy, but still wondered why it almost died when he tried to help.

He searched for the answer and found it.  The answer was that butterflies are made fragile but the struggle inside the cocoon is what made them strong.  The breaking through made their wings strong and beautiful enabling them to fly.

So sweetie, don’t give up, you’re simply breaking through the “cocoon”.  I will second and third the suggestions made by HeartArt and Dr.Baxter.  Please call someone so that they can make sure you’re all right, just like the old man did with the butterfly.


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## Angel (Jan 11, 2005)

*I hope you are right.*

I hope you all are right.. I've had so much trouble trying to get past these thoughts and feelings and it's been so difficult. My heart wants to give up so many times.. and Guy (my kind-of bf) tries so hard to help me but inside I question everything.. 

Especially lately.. I've just had to go into the hospital for tests on my heart to see if my heart condition has come back.. Guy came to the hospital with me but I was so paranoid walking around there.. Hospitals freak me out. and I really didn't want to get the bloodwork. But he tried to stay by my side, which helped.

I hope that sometime soon I can figure this out. I really need to. I'm scared.


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## HA (Jan 11, 2005)

{{{{Hugs for you and your heart, Angel!}}}}
You will make it through this.


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## Angel (Jan 14, 2005)

I hope so Heart.. I really hope so.. I am getting so scared lately that I've ended up in the hospital for tests to find out why my seizures are getting worse by the day and they seem to think that it's related to my panic attacks..


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## ThatLady (Jan 15, 2005)

I'm glad to hear that you're getting some testing done to determine what's going on with you, hon. Please keep us informed as to the results.


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## Angel (Jan 17, 2005)

Well the test results haven't come in yet.. but I've still been thinking about how much stress and depression I go through.. I really wonder if this is where I should be. I mean Ive been trying to think about what you guys have been trying to tell me.. in some ways it helps but I'm still really questioning everything.


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## ThatLady (Jan 17, 2005)

Until you get some answers, hon, it's perfectly understandable that you'd be questioning. I'd be questioning, too! Perhaps the tests done in hospital will give you a better idea of what's happening. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.


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## Angel (Jan 18, 2005)

*update*

Hey.

I don't know how positive I can be right now. I mean earlier today, my kind-of bf had to literally talk me down from possible suicide thoughts of overdosing on T3's with codene.. to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure on what changed my mind. I think it was something he said, but I still look back on the thoughts and they are still there.

I'm not sure what to do.. I've tried to get into to see a counsellor and I'm just getting the run-around about where to make appointments and who to talk to. I'm starting to think that I won't get anyone to talk to. And I'm not sure who I want knowing who is close to me.. I mean, my kind-of bf knows and my mom knows.. I'm afraid to tell my dad because he'll literally freak on me, sit me down and have a two-hour lecture. Although, maybe that's what I need. A swift kick in the ass.. 

*shaking head* I'm not sure anymore.


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## Angel (Feb 6, 2005)

*I'm sorry everyone..*

I'm sorry but I don't know if I can hold on much longer. 

Lately, my emotions have been through the roof and breakdowns have been every night.. I'm getting the run around trying to get a counsellor, and even make an appointment.. My friends are way too busy to even talk to me, and even my (kindof) boyfriend/friend is trying to talk to me and calm me down more and more but emotionally it's even hard just being around him without feeling heart-broken. 

I don't know how much longer I can keep positive for. I need someone to talk to.. I need advice.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 6, 2005)

So sorry you're feeling so bad.

Have you tried any of those numbers in HeartArt's post?


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## cm (Feb 6, 2005)

Hi Angel,
I see that you live in B.C.  You should be able to access a walk in medical clinic or emerg. room at hospital, confidentially, at any time, day or night.  If you are feeling this unwell, then you should not hesitate to go to emerg. and get help right away.  I'm not sure how old you are, but when my son became mentally exhausted from stress and other emerging mental health issues in his grade 12 year, it was an enormous relief for him to be in a safe, caring hospital environment for a few days.  This made all of us in the family stop and face what was really going on in his life and ours as a family.  I hope you will do whatever you need to, to get healthy.  It will be worth it--you are worth it.  Keep in touch.
cm


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## cm (Feb 6, 2005)

That's a good idea, janetr.  I see in my book the B.C. Crisis numbers are: 1 800 668-6868 and another excellent number 24 hr. Crisis Line in B.C. is 1 800 515-6999.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 7, 2005)

Angel... when you say "getting the runaround" about getting an appointment with a counsellor, what avenues have you explored so far?


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## Angel (Feb 7, 2005)

*runaround*

I've tried talking to interior health and I don't have the money for a private counsellor and interior health is sending me from place to place telilng me "No, this isn't the place to make appointments for that.. you should go ...."


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 7, 2005)

Angel, I have emailed Dennis McGill (member dmcgill) who is a therapist is BC, though not in your area, to ask him for suggestions. Sometimes it's a matter of knowing how to short-circuit the bureaucracy...


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## dmcgill (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Angel,
Sounds like you are having a tough go of things.  I read your first post and all the follow up posts and think you have recieved very good advice.

Let me explain what you may have to do in order to get help.

1.  Go the the hospital in your area and tell the intake nurse and the doctor on call that you are wanting to kill yourself.  Be very spacific.  Tell them of the times you have tried.

They will then have to take you and admit you under the "Mental Health Act".  

Most people tell a doctor that they will be ok and the doctor has nothing he can do but let you go.  Tell them clearly that you are *NOT* ok.
I am sure that you have a Provincial Mental Health Office in your area.  They help you for free.  You never did answer if you called any of those numbers that you were given in an earlier post.  Call them.  Even use 911 if you  have to and the police can force the issue under the same Mental Health Act.

British Columbia is going through some big changes as far as Mental Health and the Provincial Government has just committed a bunch more money to address the issue.  You do have rights and you do deserve the help.  Do you have a close friend or family member who can advocate for you?  If you want to PM me your conact info, I would be glad to make some calls to the offices in your area and advocate.  

In the mean time, hang in there.  I loved the story about the butterfly and there are so many stories like that.  I know that you feel like the trapped catapillar in the cocoon right now but you will break free.  I believe you need the assistance of a Medical Doctor to provide you with some real medical help.  You can come out of this and be stronger.  I am so glad you are reaching out and since this forum is here, it is great that you found it.  Don't give up.
Demand what is rightfully yours and that is life and quality in your life.
If you want me to advocate for you pm me.

There is sun behind the clouds,
Dennis


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