# Confused ??? HELP?



## Thehurtstopshere (Jan 21, 2012)

I understand that nobody can answer my question with any certainty but any guesses are welcome.  I met my husband online in a music forum and we instantly hit it off..dated long distance for a year then I moved to his state because his family is close and mine was dysfunctional and already I lived pretty much away from them and my only child had left for college so I had no ties and moved. We lived together then married and its a year since we married. Before I moved in, he had friends over all the time and constant invites to places with friends..now, nobody calls or comes around and I keep begging him to tell me why and he says he des not know. I dont think its me because none of them know me, they Never gave me a chance. my mind runs wild because with a Narcissistic mother I always feel overly sensitive when nothing is wrong and this is def off and I cant figure it out..now these people have been his friends 20 plus years and its sad because I dont have friends or family here..any ideas?


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jan 21, 2012)

Perhaps start looking for your own friends...  You could, for example, ask your husband to invite some of his friends over and have them bring a few of their friends...  You could join some kind of group where you get out and meet people (gym, craft/painting class, university certificate course, club)...   Just a few ideas...  Always a good idea to let him out with his friends sometimes and then you can hang with yours...  Doesn't always have to be his circle of friends, right?

Show yourself you have some independence and don't have to depend on him and his friends.  You go, girl!

It was the opposite for me and my husband.  I met him online as well, but moved to his state of Florida.  We were both lonely so ended up moving back here to Canada.  Nobody our age where we were living in Florida, but had my family and friends and of course David made some of his own friends through tournaments and other activities.  Even through his teaching guitar, and someone he met at work with a lot in common, and he's got a few solid buddies now.  

This was over a period of 10 years or so, though...  It does take a while...  How much patience do you have?  lol


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## Thehurtstopshere (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks, and I am continually surprised at how much we seem to have in common. Im not used to having anything in common with anyone so its cool and strange too. LOL  I am into finding my own friends as I kind of gravitate to the artist, animal loving hippy types kinda like me and he is into us making new friends togethr and we love just hanging out together too. I have pushed the whole friend thing because I want a healthy life for once but he wont go with them alone, they wont come here after I invited them, dont invite us to football parties..cook outs..and they did before I came along..I am sure its me they dont want to be around and im not sure if I believe my husband when he says he dosent know and forget them they arent true friends..well, some were since school so I am so lost, its like everyone knows something awful about me and wont tell me? I dont smell or anything, LOL Its really bugging me bc as you know ive been in hospital and I want him to have support..


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jan 21, 2012)

Hm...  All are his friends male and single, or does he have some friends who are couples?  I've noticed that a lot of married couples lose a few single friends (simply because either the singles saw the 2 people as one unit and therefore they thought they kind of lost their buddy)...  I've also noticed a few single friends lose their buddies when they get married.  The single friends simply aren't the highest priority because the husband's main priority is his own family and wife (and in some cases kids)...   It's kind of complicated.   Could just be a failure to communicate.   

Have you communicated to at least one or two of his friends and told them, point blank, that you've noticed a distinct change in their relationship with your husband since you came around.  You can always say something like, "I honestly don't want you or any of his friends to feel uncomfortable around him, whatever changes in his life have occurred.  I want you to know that I never intended for any of his relationships with his friends to change so drastically and we'd love to have you over or do something soon in the future as a group."  Because sometimes when you call it like you see it, you're bringing something into the open.

On the other hand, maybe your husband is right.  You _are_ his wife, and he sees you as his priority, which is natural (but maybe you aren't used to 'natural' yet lol).  You can influence, or ask, but you won't be able to control who he doesn't see or who he sees because that would somehow be controlling him or his friends, when you only can control yourself.   You've already put it out there that he can go and visit his friends.  Maybe you _should_ let it go.  Especially since you guys seem to have no issues making new friends.

If you have any insecurities about yourself, I would suggest seeing a therapist, or maybe do some meditation on this, because you don't want to have your insecurities plague you when things around you that you can't control start up.   In the meantime, if you can, let his friends and him have their space and time away from each other.  Sometimes these things come in cycles.  Try not to care about people who don't seem to care about you.  lol  I had _that_ problem all the time for ages.  I'd be so obsessed with trying to make the people who didn't like me _like_ me, instead of taking care of the people who already _did_ like me.  You know what I mean?  lol  

You're so sweet.  You are in the hospital worrying about _him_ having support.  lol


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 21, 2012)

JGJB is correct. It isn't unusual when someone becomes a couple for old single friends to gradually fade away. It doesn't need to have anything to do with you at all. It is more likely that they are still doing single person things and think you two as a couple won't be interested (or maybe even that the activities aren't appropriate for a couple, e.g., strip clubs), or that they don't want to hang out with couples. That's part of why most couples end up developing new couple friendships.


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## Thehurtstopshere (Jan 21, 2012)

In his group of friends there is a combination of single males and females and couples..he ihas lived in the same town his entire life..his parents are still in the house he was born in. This is why its troublesome. I have only met a few of his friends as they seemed resistant to me right away. Last year a few of them invited him out for a beer and he said no because of they wont be part of his new life he dosent need them..but why wont they? many of them are married, kids..others divorced..average age of 50 so its varied. I am 10 yrs younger than husband and from Britain..but other than that I dont seem that odd. LOL but I really dont know what normal is yet..so I will just chill out thinking of it for now. We are happy, It just pops into my head and I feel like its a secret from me or something..I guess its better they dont know me and dont like me because atleast I cant take it too personal..You are so right..I have spentt too much life caring about how everyone feels..and you are so sweet too! Thanks !!

---------- Post added at 05:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:07 PM ----------

Thanks to DB also, just saw your response and if it was just the guys then yes but its not..and if he truly does not know would he not try and find out?  My husband says..those idiots are the ones with issues..just let it go..so although  my gut says its strange I will just have to. I dont dwell on it like I did a year ago but it does enter my mind.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 21, 2012)

Thehurtstopshere said:


> many of them are married, kids..others divorced..average age of 50 so its varied. I am 10 yrs younger than husband and from Britain..but other than that I dont seem that odd.



Maybe there's something about a previous relationship of his, or how he left a previous relationship, or the age difference, or how you met, or ??? that makes them uncomfortable for some reason.

Don't be quick to jump to the conclusion that it's you. It may be him. Or them.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jan 21, 2012)

> My husband says..those idiots are the ones with issues..just let it  go..so although  my gut says its strange I will just have to. I dont  dwell on it like I did a year ago but it does enter my mind.



There you go...  They were primarily his friends it sounds like, and if your husband says _they_ are the ones with the problem, he would be the one to know, right?  He is willing to accept that it isn't him or you, it's them.  And although you aren't quite used to this normality, that's part of having a good self esteem, and there's nothing wrong with letting people go.  Sometimes you have to let go of the old to allow room for the new.  Sometimes people just grow apart because their interests change and they no longer have anything in common anymore.  Sometimes it's worse to try to keep old friendships going, because you don't feel the chemistry anymore, and it seems so fake and forced.  All you do is end up rehashing the old days and memories, but you don't continue to grow.  It's sort of like watching a movie you used to love over and over, but it's starting to feel really out-dated and cheesy even though, in its day it was cutting edge.

My husband tracked down an old buddy and after calling some relatives who gave his old buddy my husband's number, my husband David got a call from him.  It was same-old same-old, alright.  His friend was still hanging out in the trailer park with his other buddy who was passed out in the back, and they were drinking...  Just like old times...  And then he passed the phone to me, and his friend listened to me talk for a while, and then said, "You know what?  You sound like you have nice (place crude euphemism for mammary glands here)."  I think the guy thought it was a compliment.   lol  At which point I passed the phone back to my David, and told David to ask his buddy what he just said to me.  And when David heard what he just said to me, my husband hung up on him and just shook his head.  I just laughed...  I still, to this day, wonder how my voice could indicate what my breasts appear like...????  rotflmao  My husband couldn't believe his friend was still doing the same stuff he was doing since high school even though it was over 15-20 years later...  And apparently still as juvenile...  lol

Hopefully that anecdote helps you along...  lol


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## Thehurtstopshere (Jan 21, 2012)

LoL Jolly, that is funny, you must have an AMAZING voice lol..Actually, what you said makes so much sense. My hubby has stated that those people will never change and they have the same social circles and drama as always and still frequent the same old haunts etc..so maybe before we were serious he was okay with them but now (as he says) he wants the life we have and dosent want them..maybe thats just the top and bottom of it..they want him to be his old self and he wants a change. It sounds like you have put lots of work into finding a sense of balance in your life and marriage and  it gives me hope. sometimes my views are so askew and until Matt (hubby) points out how ridiculous my idea is, it makes sense. I Am amazed at how often I am picking up on unspoken energies and he has to bring me back to reality and tell me im driving myself nuts. at one time that was a survival skill now I wish it would go away, lol  You are sweet to have spent so much time responding to me, it has meant a lot


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jan 21, 2012)

Don't feel bad, I _still_ do the same thing sometimes, and my husband gives me a gentle jab in the ribs and says "Stop that."  Or points out what I'm doing.  It's a learning process, that's for sure.  Cut yourself some slack.  It's been rammed into your head for years that you should put up with people's crap.  

For instance, I wanted to hang out with this person who I considered a friend, but he does some very odd and rude things in public to get attention...  And _not_ the kind of attention you want in public.  My husband tolerated this person because he was my friend, but my husband kept saying that if I didn't hang around with this guy, he would have nothing to do with him...  So I had that in the back of my mind, and I listen to what my husband says (more and more, but sometimes, although I can be taught, things still come a bit slower for me, because it's like I need to learn for myself) - because I was also raised to tolerate normally intolerable behaviours...   I looked at it as though "well, this person needs someone," but who the heck am _I_ to be this person's punching bag?  Why do I always want to rescue the needy and abusive people and the vampires??  lol  I can't, they have to rescue themselves (or want to be rescued), I already learned that the hard way in so many bad relationships...  

Anyway this douche of a friend decided one day to turn on his anti-mugging device (size of a pen, sounds like a car alarm) and freak out the restaurant owner (a lady and her little child that was with her)...  She had thought it was some kind of fire alarm.  At first I was annoyed for the owner of this restaurant (fortunately for the owner, it was just me and my lonely eccentric cantankerous curmudgeon semi-retired writer friend)...  Then I was thinking, wait a sec...  Why the heck do I feel angry for what he did to someone else but not angry for what he did to _me_?  He made _me_ look like an ass, too!  And not only that, he wouldn't stop after I told him to several times.  _And_ he knew I had just recently recovered from a migraine.  Respect people and their boundaries much??   

I refused to talk to the idiot the next time he called (he normally would call when he'd pull a stupid stunt and check if we were still going to hang out again, and not so much because he was sorry), and in fact he tried to tell my husband on the phone (because I refused to talk with him) that both of us were "too sensitive."  OOOooooooh, that makes me so mad!!!!  It's not that I'm _too_ sensitive, it's because douchebag was too _IN_sensitive!!!!  That was a favourite thing my mother always said to me, that I was too sensitive.  So that pretty much solidified for me that I had grown as a person.  Because I was able to recognize that I was actually tolerating this kind of behaviour in people.  No wonder I was a bit of a drama magnet...  lol  That was several months ago and it was definitely a lightbulb moment. lol


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## locrian (Jan 21, 2012)

Hi,

Sometimes it's best to keep things simple.  If you and your husband had an "open house" party and invited his friends over, the ball would be in their court.  Either they would accept the invitation or decline.  In other words, make it clear to them, in one way or another, that you are offering them your friendship and it's up to them to make the choice.  If they choose not to be friends with you both as a couple, then accept their decision and move on.  Don't look back, and don't have regrets.
Don't let the past - his past or your past - define who you are or put limitations on your lives.

Also, decide on what you both are interested in doing as a couple, what activities you both want to pursue in a social setting.  Whether it's attending bingo night at the local church or joining an outdoor hiking group, the focus will be on the activity and you'll meet others who share your interest in it.


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## Thehurtstopshere (Jan 21, 2012)

I was gonna respond tomorrow but cant sleep at the moment and a couple of things really stood out...Raised to tolerate intolerable behaviors-well put.  WHY do I always want to rescue the needy And abusive people? -I have thought that many times too and even worse is that I am Still without an answer and still feel a pull to help them. Also you mentioned that you would be upset at how others were affected but didnt feel that same empathy for yourself and the lack of respect / concern for your feelings. I get all that so much and wonder if youyou ever do or used to try and take the abuse in one form or another from not only NM but ppl in general with the thought that you can handle abuse better than others so  you would rather take it? Im not putting it as plainly as I would like, its kind of a hard concept to convey. Maybe its like an ability to detach and cope? dont know. I hope you are proud of the huge step you have taken with letting go of that so called friend. Your hubby sounds like a sweetie.

---------- Post added at 09:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:22 PM ----------

@ Locrian, I did that last year for Labor day..open invite to all, time window was huge..went poorly as only 1 guy came and his wife didnt come with him. We have loads of similar interests and are always doing stuff together and we have fun and laugh a lot...I just thought it strange that everyone disappeared..and I have no real answers and probably that I am conditioned to automatically think..what did I do wrong and how do I fix it.  Its more bafflig to me than anything ..


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