# I dont know what to do about this!



## MollyK (Jun 2, 2007)

I dont think I have ever been happy inside, well for as long as I can remember. I can "function" i.e. go to work, appear friendly, some people would see me as cheerful and I have quite a good sense of humour,  but inwardly I am always hurting, aching and needy. I dont have any interests, I feel so very disappointed, I have a low self esteem and no confidence, I spend too long on my own and hate it, I cant stand being by myself because I get even more depressed and feel isolated and feel like no one would ever want to be with me anyway. 

I am really lonely and feel like I cant be happy unless someone cares for me and i dont know how to care for myself so it feels fulfilling. I desparately want to be in a relationship but shy away from it doing the very opposite to what I need. Consequently I feel like I am a robot on auto pilot going through the days and I cry a lot and dont want to get up most mornings. I wish I could concentrate on a book or have a hobby but I dont really care much for anything. Yet I am friendly and smiling with people but feel like I have all these enormous needs with no way of meeting them and I am kind of giving up. 

I was in therapy (psychodynamic therapy) for over a year and it just talked endlessly about my childhood which left me feeling like a victim and even more depressed so I am reluctant to go down this route again.

I want to heal but I dont know where to start. Well it helped to talk - thanks!


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 2, 2007)

Have you considered trying a different type of therapy, perhaps with a therapist who is more goal-directed or client-centered and less insight-oriented?

It's not always about digging into one's childhood. Sometimes it's about learning how to better deal with the present and with triggers for depression, anxiety, and negative thinking.


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## MollyK (Jun 3, 2007)

Thanks David, I am on a waiting list for attachment-based psychotherapy whilst I do have issues around attachment, I'm a bit concerned its gong to be more digging and delving in the past. I dont mind this but only when its doing this exclusively with nothing solution focused or around the present that it feels a bit like swimming around in a muddy pond caught up in a whirl with no way out.  The problem is once in therapy it takes a while to know if it isnt what you need and therapy is exhausting.  I'm going to give this a go in any case because I cant carry on the way I am thats for sure.

I have this feeling that if someone "sees" me on the inside, understands and cares consistently its all I need.  Maybe thats naive... both to hope for this and to think it could make me better?!


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## Into The Light (Jun 3, 2007)

> I have this feeling that if someone "sees" me on the inside, understands and cares consistently its all I need.


i can relate to this. it might be something to bring up once you get to see a therapist. bring up all your other concerns as well. you may want to define some goals with your therapist so that you can determine along the way if you are making any progress or not. then at any time if you feel you aren't making any progress, this can be discussed and you will have the goals to compare against.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 3, 2007)

mollyK said:


> Thanks David, I am on a waiting list for attachment-based psychotherapy whilst I do have issues around attachment, I'm a bit concerned its gong to be more digging and delving in the past. I dont mind this but only when its doing this exclusively with nothing solution focused or around the present that it feels a bit like swimming around in a muddy pond caught up in a whirl with no way out.  The problem is once in therapy it takes a while to know if it isnt what you need and therapy is exhausting.  I'm going to give this a go in any case because I cant carry on the way I am thats for sure.



I'm trying to encourage you to see that there are many different approaches to therapy. If the new therapist doesn't work out, that doesn't mean you're hopeless or that nothing will work for you.



mollyK said:


> I have this feeling that if someone "sees" me on the inside, understands and cares consistently its all I need.  Maybe thats naive... both to hope for this and to think it could make me better?!



This part (^^^) suggests to me that an approach which includes cognitive behavior therapy might be very helpful for you. CBT isn't a panacea but it can be very useful in countering irrational or unrealistic thinking and self-talk. In truth, the answer isn't to have someone else see you on the inside and care about you, although of course that would be nice. The answer is to get to the point where YOU can see you on the inside and love and value and care for and nurture yourself.


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## MollyK (Jun 7, 2007)

I did have a short course of CBT once David, it was for 6 weeks. It was practical and helpful whilst I was in it, but I felt it was too shallow and too short. I think it would have helped a lot more if it had been available for longer maybe. I kind of always had the feeling with CBT though that it treats symptoms and not causes. Just my view though and I may be wrong.

I dont feel all the well tonight .. really struggling to keep it all together.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 7, 2007)

mollyK said:


> I did have a short course of CBT once David, it was for 6 weeks. It was practical and helpful whilst I was in it, but I felt it was too shallow and too short. I think it would have helped a lot more if it had been available for longer maybe. I kind of always had the feeling with CBT though that it treats symptoms and not causes.



1. That depends on how you look at it - sometimes negative, distorted, pessimistic, self-critical thinking IS the cause.

2. My personal preference is a therapist who can combine different approaches in therapy (sometimes called eclectic). For example, I tend to work with clients in stages. At the beginning, there is usually high distress - that's what brings people to therapy initially - so the focus is on bringing those levels of distress down. I don't think there's a lot to be gained by insight-oriented therapies at that point, so CBT and other symptom management are the first choice. Later, if and when the client is ready and has better strategies for managing the acute symptoms, insight-oriented therapies and interpersonal therapies, etc., become more appropriate, typically mixed in with continuing coping- and symptom-management-therapies.


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## MollyK (Jun 8, 2007)

I kind of like the sound of that. All people are different and different approaches work, not just for different people but at different stages for one person maybe!  I think in the UK the types of therapy on offer are fairly limited. I'm awaiting attachment based psychotherapy as I sort of gravitated towards that and then it was recommended. I'm not sure what to expect, but if this doesnt work, I'll carry on looking. I'm about to google 'eclectic' and see what comes up for the UK

Thanks David..


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 8, 2007)

Try googling [google]client-centred therapy UK[/google] instead.


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## MollyK (Jun 9, 2007)

I'll give it a go on google...thanks David! 

I woke up this morning early and before I even opened my eyes I was crying. I cant say what about but I just feel terrible at the moment. I keep having all sorts of physical symptoms, headaches tingling down my arm and then I get anxious that I've got some deadly condition and part of me knows its more anxiety and panic than anything else but I still think Im about to keel over.

I have three very lively, happy, outgoing grown up kids who are always out and about and I dont expect them to babysit me and would never want them to ... but I so need someone to be with me at the moment. I came home from work and knew I was going into an empty house feeling like this and I found the prospect unbearable. I sat in the car for ages crying I couldnt bear to put the key in the door, eventually I had to go in and I just havent stopped crying ever since. I feel so unbearably lonely, I dont really connect with anyone and I need someone to care. I know I should care for myself but I need support right now. I dont seem to have any energy and enthusiasm but still seem to be able to put a smile on my face and cope at work

I dont know what to do about this right now, i feel pretty desparate, No one really knows, I did tell my doctor because I was being seen because my blood pressure is high. I was trying to explain that I need help for anxiety and its whats pushing my BP up ... i came away with a request to come back and have it checked again next week and she said the anxiety was "probably hormonal!" 

Well this morning I dont want to go on. Ive decided to take valium and go to bed and hide myself in sleep if I can because being awake is intolerable right now. Im also really discouraged because I have battled emotionally since I was a child really and although outwardly I'm quite happy and cheerful and i think people like me, I have this horrible isolated inner world so much of the time 

Needed to say all this ... sorry for a depressing post. Im sure I'll work through it a bit today. I will google that other lhing .. thanks David


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## Into The Light (Jun 9, 2007)

i am sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. the intensity of the loneliness can be very difficult.

i would go back to your doctor and tell her how bad your anxiety is. tell her what you are going through and that you need help with it. i would also tell her about your feelings of not wanting to go on. sometimes we don't present the full picture to those we are asking for help from and they may not realize how difficult things truly are for us.

i find that looking for support here does help. so post when you're feeling down. don't worry about it being a depressing post. getting these feelings written out and having people read and respond has always made me feel better.


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