# Intellectual vs. emotional fighting it out



## cosmo (Mar 29, 2009)

I am really struggling, and wondering if this is just me or 'common'. 

The 'emotional' part of me is in SO much pain, I just can't think of any other way out. My 12months of therapy was terminated last week (by the therapist, due to policy decisions re state-funded time-limited therapy). I will not have a review for 6mo. I told them I thought it was a bad plan, and I was brushed off. I have been depressed for almost 4 years now. It took 18mo to get the therapy I needed, and it doesn't seem like I will get any more. 

The 'intellectual' part of me KNOWS that suicide is a bad plan. It KNOWS how it will devastate my mother, husband, children, friends. It KNOWS that it will be the worst decision for them. 

But the emotional part of me knows that my pain is causing THEM so much suffering. It has caused attachment disorders in both my children, it is disintegrating my marriage, and previous depressive episodes have driven away my father and sister (who no longer speak to me) and many friends, and caused me to fail at so many jobs. It tells me that the easiest way to end THEIR pain is to end mine too. I have asked for help and it is not forthcoming, so maybe I am not helpable? Maybe I am not deserving of that help? I have that part of me that says that they won't really care anyway and that it will be better for them not to cause them any more misery. 

My intellectual part knows this is wrong but it is TIRED of fighting, of playing the part of rational reasoned thought, tired of holding myself together. Tired of asking for help and not getting it. 

I told my therapist I was having this dilemma in my last two sessions before we finished. It was totally ignored and not even discussed. How clear does it have to be spelt out? Here I am ASKING for help, spelling it out, and I can't even get it. Do they think I am crying wolf? That by spelling it out I don't mean it? Did my therapist think it was a LMB they chose to ignore? 

Part of me wants to go through with it, hurt my therapist - send them a letter to say 'don't ignore what your patients tell you'. But then am I only thinking about it at the moment to 'get back' at them? I don't think so - as these thoughts have recurred throughout my life (I actually attempted at age 14). But then the pain returns and I realise that it isn't that person, I am just projecting my anger at the situation towards them. I think. 

If I call my GP tomorro they will probably admit me. But that would be the WORST thing for my kids. Part of the reason for the insecure attachment was the depression, and part was the disappearing that happened every time I had some somatic disease at my lowest points (pleurisy, suspect  appendicitis) and ended up in hospital with no warning (stressing my kids beyond belief - they are both under 4). I can't leave them with anyone. 

My kids are the only reason I have got so far. I can't do this to them. But I can't NOT do it. I am screwing up their lives. My husband can get over this. My kids - I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.  

I really don't know what to do.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 29, 2009)

*Re: Intellectual vs emotional fighting it out*

I think you definitely should call your GP tomorrow. If they admit you then it's for the best at this point. It may be hard on your kids now, but you being gone forever would absolutely devastate them and they would never, ever get over that. 

The system there sounds awful. I am sorry you're going through all of this with no support. Can you get in sooner to see someone since it sounds like this is an emergency?

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

I just wanted to add that I hope I don't sound harsh. I really, really feel for you and can relate in a lot of ways. I'm really sorry you're hurting so much.


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## Retired (Mar 29, 2009)

*Re: Intellectual vs emotional fighting it out*

Do you have someone you can confide in close to home who can offer you some support and who can help keep you safe?

Getting back at your therapist can not be a reason to die, and if the medical system in your area limits your options, the therapist may not even have a choice in the way your services were terminated.

On the other hand, the lives of your children, their growing up, graduating from school, getting married, having your grandchildren are all reasons to live.

What is the availability of a crisis telephone line in your area?


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## Into The Light (Mar 29, 2009)

please don't give in to suicide. your children need you. is there any way you can prepare your children for you being away in hospital for a few days? at least let them know in advance, and have your husband bring them in to visit you. call a crisis line for tonight and your gp tomorrow. ask for the help, and keep asking until you get it.


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## Jazzey (Mar 29, 2009)

> Part of me wants to go through with it, hurt my therapist - send them a letter to say 'don't ignore what your patients tell you'. But then am I only thinking about it at the moment to 'get back' at them? I don't think so - as these thoughts have recurred throughout my life (I actually attempted at age 14). But then the pain returns and I realise that it isn't that person, I am just projecting my anger at the situation towards them. I think.



The only people you would be punishing in the process would be your two chldren (below the age of 4yrs old Cosmo) and your husband...The scar you'd leave would be permanent.



> If I call my GP tomorro they will probably admit me. But that would be the WORST thing for my kids. Part of the reason for the insecure attachment was the depression, and part was the disappearing that happened every time I had some somatic disease at my lowest points (pleurisy, suspect appendicitis) and ended up in hospital with no warning (stressing my kids beyond belief - they are both under 4). I can't leave them with anyone.



Right now Cosmo, you need to take care of you.  You're no good to your children as long as your dealing with the thoughts of suicide.  Go and get the help that you need and come back to them when you can provide for them the way that you would normally.

You're in my thoughts Cosmo.


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## cosmo (Mar 30, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> The only people you would be punishing in the process would be your two chldren (below the age of 4yrs old Cosmo) and your husband...The scar you'd leave would be permanent.



I know this. It's like there are two people in my head fighting it out. Not like voices - gosh, I'd be in the ER in a flash if that was going on. But it's like my intellectual self has dissociated itself and trying to reason with the pain. I know that I have been diagnosed with dissociation in the past but wondering how much this is a 'problem' as opposed to a good defence mechanism right now. 

I am really hesitating to pick up the phone and call the GP as I am so afraid the answer will be "we can't do anything" or "the waiting list is too long" - as has been the answer in the past. I am crawling through this pain from hour to hour but I am not sure I can cope with another rejection right now.


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## forgetmenot (Mar 30, 2009)

I am sorry your suffering Cosmos and you feel no one is listening.  Call the hot line Cosmos they will help you get the attention you need. Jazzey is right get the help now while your children are young so you can be well for them as they grow. Call now okay Cosmos do it for them.


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## cosmo (Mar 30, 2009)

Well I made an appt with my GP, the soonest she can see me is next Wednesday. I hope I can hold on until then.


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## Retired (Mar 30, 2009)

Cosmo said:
			
		

> the soonest she can see me is next Wednesday. I hope I can hold on until then



By most standards, that's pretty good service.  As you can see, the response was positive; although sometimes distorted thinking makes us see the worst possible outcome.

The pain you are experiencing might only be temporary, and with your doctor's help, it might be over sooner than you think.

The pain you feel is causing the distorted thinking, and you must explain all this to your doctor next Wednesday.

Will you promise that you will keep yourself safe until you see your doctor next Wednesday, Cosmo?


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## Daniel (Mar 30, 2009)

BTW, a book that is fairly good:

How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me - Google Book Search


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## cosmo (Mar 30, 2009)

TSOW said:


> By most standards, that's pretty good service.  As you can see, the response was positive
> 
> <snip>
> 
> Will you promise that you will keep yourself safe until you see your doctor next Wednesday, Cosmo?



I will promise to do my best. 

The response was positive from the automated computer booking service giving me the first available appointment on their system  Gotta love the personal touch, eh


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## Into The Light (Mar 30, 2009)

hang in there cosmo. i am really glad to hear you made the call, that's a very positive step. :goodjob:


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## forgetmenot (Mar 30, 2009)

I'm glad you did this Cosmos good for you. You can use the forum for support until next week. take cary Mary


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## cosmo (Mar 31, 2009)

I managed to get an earlier appointment with the GP, just now. 

She prescribed diazepam? And said that I had to wait for a consultation to get anything like an antidepressant. That will take 4-5 weeks. 

I am completely beside myself. I told her I didn't want them in the house and she said "all they will do is make you sleep". 

Am I going nuts here or will this help? I am in charge of two small children (which she knows), how the heck am I meant to be taking that and be in a fit state to look after them, and will it do anything for my mood?


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