# Danger of Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 2, 2019)

The Danger of Avoiding Discord in Your Relationship: Alternatives
by Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, _PsychCentral.com_
Sept 2, 2019  

Do you steam in silence, act out in passive aggressive ways or become  depressed because you fear that anger you are feeling will destroy   relationship?

 “I don’t want to rock the boat.”

 “It’s better that I just keep my mouth shut.”

*Does Anger Destroy A Relationship?*
The basic answer is NO. Anger is a human feeling and in itself is not  damaging. According to attachment theory, one characteristic of a secure  attachment be it between a mother and child or two partners, is the  “safety to protest” without the repercussions of extreme anger or  destruction of the relationship.

 Consider these:


If it is not safe for you to have an argument with your partner or to become angry - it is not safe. 
Compliance, self-silencing, or hidden resentments to keep the peace are not solutions.  Research  that studied the argument styles of 4,000 men and women in Framingham,  Mass., revealed that self-silencing for women and battles of control for  men created as serious a heart risk factor as smoking or high  cholesterol. 
Being angry is not damaging - it is what you do with it, how you  communicate it and the impact it can have that make it destructive. 
 *Preventing Anger From Becoming Destructive *
 Most partners who fear the expression of anger in their relationship  will tell you they are avoiding a nightmare - a destructive fight.

 If this is a frightening reality in your relationship, consider  alternative strategies to manage and redefine anger in your  relationship.

*Anger Management Strategies*

*Observe Yourself *
 Although the knee-jerk solution you want is for your_ partner *to just change*,_ the  most effective anger management starts with you. No one can fight alone  or carry out the same destructive patterns if the other partner  responds differently. When your brain is in fight mode, you are  surviving - not thinking.

*Hit the Pause Button*
 In the face of something that really annoys you or makes you angry,  grab a moment to pause. Take a Deep Breath. This is the Mindfulness  Moment. The deep breath changes your physiology by reducing your stress  reaction and opens a space to take stock of your experience - are their  actually other feelings (fear, fatigue, embarrassment) driving the  anger?

 It is the point where you can lower hyperarousal, and make possible a  shift away from a fight/flight stress reaction toward thinking.

Elisha Goldstein, reminds us that with practice, this shift gives you a chance to choose your response.

 You are in a position to consider if you are provoking your partner  in a way that defeats your message or  overreacting in a way that will  create chaos not clarification.

 You are human. Even if you go right into fight mode, you can stop  yourself at any time. “Give Me a Moment” - sit down, pour a glass of  water, slow it all down - before you respond.

 If the fight leaves you both in angry silence - take a moment in the  aftermath to examine why you were so angry or how you reacted.

*Consider the Broader Context*


An important reconsideration to ponder before, during or after the  fight, is your partner’s offense in the light of what is going on in  both of your lives. The more you are able to build this into your  thinking - the more likely it will keep you from jumping quickly into  accusation and anger. 
This does not mean self-silencing or condoning abusive behavior. It  means that when she leaves all the doors open, he forgets to pay bills,  she bangs up the car - it is put into some perspective. Is this the  fight worth having? Blame and shame do very little to improve  functioning or feelings. 
 *Give Your Partner Time and Space*
 If you feel unable to take time to calm down and rethink a situation,  but your partner is asking for time and space - let it happen.

 If you feel that you just can’t let it go, it is worth reconsidering  how valuable talking can be if a partner can’t emotionally listen. Can  you reduce some of your agitation by instead writing a letter to you or  your partner? Can you ask for a time when your partner feels he/she can  speak about it and see if that occurs?

 Cornering your partner - not permitting him or her to walk away, calm  down, or save face - fuels irrational and aggressive reactions.

*Account for the Audience*
 Bringing up an argument in front of family, friends or children adds  shame and guilt that generally escalates tension and fighting.

 Children are particularly vulnerable in the heat of parental tension  or fighting. Babies feel the tone of words and read the expression on  faces. If going to a parent is the primary safety source, two fighting  parents not only escalate a child’s distress-they withhold safety.

 In the case of family members as audience, it is a known fact that families don’t forget - even when the partners do.

*Protect Each Other from  Verbal Assault*
 Verbal aggression in the form of taunts, insults, accusations and threats can be as dangerous as threatened physical violence.

 Verbal aggression invites withdrawal or retaliation. It rarely invites communication and resolution.

*Avoid the “Silent Treatment” *


The silent treatment is both provocative and withholding and adds little understanding to a situation. 
When held in the face of your partner’s attempt to apologize and  move forward, continued silence limits hope, invites despair and often  escalates rage. 
 *Use “We” As A Point Of Reference *
 A seemingly small word that has big benefits for couples is the use  of  “We” when facing and dealing with differences of opinion or anger in  a relationship. As different as your issues may be, being able to  consider the issue and responses from a mutual perspective is big!

_“We are really having a hard time talking.”_

_“We need to get through this without hurting each other.”_

 When you can change the perspective from me vs. you to “We”, you  change the experience from contention to a mutual challenge. Dealing  with anger as a mutual challenge is the groundwork of a strong and safe  relationship.

*“The survival of romance depends not on skill in avoiding aggression but on the capacity to contain it alongside love.” *(Mitchell, 2002)


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 2, 2019)

Yes X Yes to the power of Yes...


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