# The Four Agreements...



## Cavi (Mar 22, 2007)

Hi Gang... I've been working on me lately and I thought maybe we could have a discussion about these 4 agreements and how to get where I can apply them in my life... RIMH

*BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD*
_Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love._

K is bad about saying "I'm only talking" and to be a smarty pants against her, I started saying it to her...

Now I've gotten into a habit of doing it to avoid conflict with K... K is the only one I say this phrase to... It's so much easier to avoid conflict with her... I've tried explaining this agreement with her and she thinks its BS...

When I was around my brother I would shy away from telling him what I really meant or I wouldn't say it at all... It's funny (not literally) because when I was on Zoloft, I would tell you to buzz off in a heartbeat... I was very aggressive and didn't care who I made mad...  But now that I'm off of it I'm back to me and finding it difficult to stand up to people and say what I mean...

*DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY*
_Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering._

This is another one, I take EVERYTHING personally... I'm not quite sure I understand this one anyway...

*DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS*
_Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life._

Ask questions???? Yeah right if you saw me in 3-D you would see my feathers...  I am afraid of sounding stupid... I've been blasted by people my entire life except for my current T and the members here... I'm still chicken to ask questions here...

*ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST*
_Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret._ 

This is another one I have problems with because it's beyond my comprehension that I am good at anything... I've been training my own dogs for over 20 years in obedience and tricks... I study dogs like crazy and my T told me the other day she has learned a lot from me (she has a lab that she brings to the office) and I also made a DVD of Tanner working and she was totally amazed... But I dont feel that I have done anything that someone else hasn't done and I've been told by trainers that I know nothing about training.... I gave up training Tanner one time because I had a trainer tell me that my way was no good... I don't give myself credit for anything I do...

RIMH


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 22, 2007)

RunningInMyHeart said:


> *DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY*
> _Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering._
> 
> This is another one, I take EVERYTHING personally... I'm not quite sure I understand this one anyway...



As one example, domestic violence perpetrators routinely tell their partners, "You made me do it. You made me angry. If you weren't so {adjective of the moment}, none of this would happen". Of course, this is a blatant rationalization (neutralization) of the perpetrator's own unacceptable behavior. S/he is projecting his/her problems onto the victim. Sex offenders routinely do the same thing.

You cannot MAKE anyone feel a certain way or do a certain thing (barring physically overpowering the person or intimidating them by threat of physical injury). The invidual always has a choice. And all of us have to take responsibility ultimately for how we feel and how we react. (That's one of the fundamentals of cognitive behavior therapy.)



RunningInMyHeart said:


> I've been told by trainers that I know nothing about training.... I gave up training Tanner one time because I had a trainer tell me that my way was no good... I don't give myself credit for anything I do...



When it some to this sort of thing, I always say, first and foremost, *consider the source*. If the person saying it has a hidden (or not so hidden agenda) for holding that opinion (e.g., to save face, to try to convince you and others that you need to pay an "expert"), then challenge the statement (a la CBT) - look for evidence that either supports it or refutes it.


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## sister-ray (Mar 22, 2007)

I like the one about "Dont take anything personally" its so true,  a few examples of mine, my neighbours started having their tv on very loud I thought they where doing it to annoy me, I took it on a personal level, about four weeks after it started I found out that one of them has had hearing problems and is going slightly deaf and had turned it up to hear it, it had nothing to do with me, yet I worried myself sick about it wondering what I had done to them and all sorts. Sometimes people say they will call you or email you, and they dont, I immediately think, what have I done or said, why havent they contacted me, again I take it personally, when in reality somethings come up in their life and they havent got around to it. I try not to do this so much now, I try to think its not about me, or anything Ive done or said to anyone its about them and what they are doing in their lives.

As for "Always do your best", if someone told me that I wasnt doing something right, and I felt It wasnt true then I would take no notice, sometimes people just want to put you down maybe that guy felt he wasnt very good  and wanted to make himself feel better by putting you down. ive had people say things to me about the way I look after my birds, I know I look after them well and do my best and I know Im pretty good at it too (bigheaded aswell  ) so give yourself some credit, 20 years is along time with training dogs so you must be doing something right, and other people have learned from your knowledge too, thats brillant, keep up the good work


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## Cavi (Mar 22, 2007)

Dr. Baxter...TTE...When this thread is over I'm going to print it out so I can re-read it as many times as I need too...What you both have written makes sense...I had to think about it but I think I've got it...So in regards to my ex T, it wasn't because of me she did all her screaming, controlling etc??...Her behavior was caused by something going on inside of her??...If so, this makes me want to do the chicken dance!...(Stupid story behind the chicken dance haha)...

But after I just wrote that it confused me on something...the last 6 months I was in therapy with her, I was terrified of her to the point if she got near me I would literally shake and panic...Sometimes all I had to do was see her from a distance and I would start...The very first time it happened she said to me "I wish I knew what i did wrong so I could fix it" but than the next session she said to me "I've done absolutely nothing wrong, it is you"...

So unless I am wrong by what your saying is...It wasn't because of her that i was panicking, it was because of me?...She was right when she said she had done nothing wrong?...If I'm not wrong, this makes me sad to think I was panicking for a dumb reason...RIMH


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## sister-ray (Mar 22, 2007)

I would love to see you do the chicken dance!!!! Sometimes RIMH, my other neighbour in these flats doesnt speak to me, Ill say hello if we meet on the stairs, again I use to think , oh what have I done now, why did he ignore me, but now I just think oh hes proberly had a bad day at work or something, Im not perfect with this myself , still take things personally but its something Ive been trying to change in me after some told me I take things too personally , hope im making sense its nightime here and Im tired


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## Cavi (Mar 22, 2007)

I would love to see you do the chicken dance!!!! LOL TTE...Yes it does...

Than my ex T was right, she had done nothing wrong...it was me...guess I owe her an apology which I have no problem doing...it just makes me sad to think that I was so "out of it" that I was panicking when she got near me...
RIMH


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 22, 2007)

RunningInMyHeart said:


> Then my ex T was right, she had done nothing wrong...it was me...guess I owe her an apology which I have no problem doing...it just makes me sad to think that I was so "out of it" that I was panicking when she got near me...



No. She was not right. She was abusive and she used classic abusive techniques for trying to keep you off balance, to the point that you could never be sure which of your feelings were valid, which of your perceptions were valid, whether your interpretations of things were right or wrong. She played on your vulnerability, not to make you stronger but to make you more vulnerable and less sure of yourself. Her goal was to keep you weak and confused.

Your panic response when she came near you was entirely appropriate given the circumstances - she was a very real threat to you and you were right to fear her.

I think it would probably be helpful for you to read some of the literature and resources on domestic violence.


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## ThatLady (Mar 23, 2007)

> But after I just wrote that it confused me on something...the last 6 months I was in therapy with her, I was terrified of her to the point if she got near me I would literally shake and panic...Sometimes all I had to do was see her from a distance and I would start...The very first time it happened she said to me "I wish I knew what i did wrong so I could fix it" but than the next session she said to me "I've done absolutely nothing wrong, it is you"...



This is all the proof you really need, RIMH, that your ex-therapist was unethical and destructive. You had every reason to fear her. Your instincts were right on target. No decent therapist would EVER say to a patient what that therapist said to you. It's unthinkable, unethical, and downright dispicable. Never, never forget that!


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## Cavi (Mar 23, 2007)

Wanted to let you know I have read this, but I'm not at a place emotionally where I can answer it...RIMH


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## Cavi (Mar 23, 2007)

I can answer this now, I was upset about something totally unrelated to this post...I'll write about it in relationships...

I thought about this all last night and I actually had a dream about my ex T...
The posts are slowly starting to sink in...In regards to my ex T, my current T agrees with Dr. Baxter and TL...I emailed her this thread and she emailed me back and that was her response...

As far as the trainer that made the comment about me knowing nothing about training, didn't like the fact that Tanner was obedience trained by 6 months and her Dobe was a year old and she was still having problems with her...I've never been formally trained to train a dog...I learn by watching the dog, video's and reading and what i believe is humane training and this trainer was certified...

So yes the comment you made Dr. Baxter about considering the source would definetly apply here...RIMH


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 23, 2007)

The therapist you have now sounds good. I hope she can help you lay to rest the evilness of this other therapist and the harm she did to you.

:hug:


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## Cavi (Mar 24, 2007)

Thanks Janet!...RIMH


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