# Looking to the other



## Me and myself (Jan 23, 2007)

Hi group 

After my gf brake up our relation I have been analysing it so that I can do the "balance" between the pros & cons. 
I could identify some issues which I must work on so that I can enjoy more my next relationship. 
However, some things are not clear yet for me and I would like to know your oppinion and, above all, what would you think and what would you do in case this happened to you. 
So, let's say you meet this girl and, as soon as you start a relation with her, the following things happen: 

- On your first night of love she says to you that, until that day, she has been sleeping with her ex-boyfriend altough she doesn't want any relationship with him anymore. 

- She tells you she doesn't want a long term relation 

- She tells you that I can not find what I want in a relatioship with her (I came from a marriage that ended almost 7 years ago) 

- She don't want you to be seen, by her friends, together with you. The justification was that she doesn't wants to do that until she knows that the relation is strong (their friends might start to think "Oh, another boy friend!") 

- She tells you if someone do her something that she wouldn't do to another person, she would finish the relationship right there (ex, getting late to meet her without call her (It never happened to me but this was an example she told me) 

- etc, etc 

Now, imagine she tells you these things in the first two weeks of our relationship and it was told, not in a caring way, but with a "warning" tone instead. 
Looking back to the relationship, all these things made me fell insecure enough to spoil the relationship, by being always acting with extreme caution, and that made show a person who is cold and affraid to take a more intimate gesture like hold her hand, give her a hug, give her a kiss, etc.
Basically, it seems that while I was looking to find the good things in her, she was looking to me trying to find the bad things.

How many of you can identify with me? What would you think? What would you do?


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 23, 2007)

I think it sounds like you're better off without her. It does sound like she was looking for the bad things.


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## sister-ray (Jan 23, 2007)

I think I would look for someone else who had more respect for me. i wouldnt like the fact she was still sleeping with her ex, and also that she doesnt want to  let you meet her friends, if someone said that to me I would be suspcious,, she sounds as though she just wants a casual relationship and no commitment, just my thoughts,, i agree with janet your better of without her.


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## ThatLady (Jan 23, 2007)

I agree with the others. It sounds to me as though this particular girl didn't want a committed relationship. I think I'd take her home, say a quiet good night, and go on about my business. Look for someone who's looking for the same things you're looking for.


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## Me and myself (Jan 24, 2007)

Even though I know she didn't show respect for me and that I'm better off without her, why do I still like her so much? 
Any thoughts and advise on how to stop feeling this are wellcome...


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## ThatLady (Jan 24, 2007)

You can't just "stop" your feelings, Me and Myself. They'll work themselves out over time. The trick now is to find things that interest you, get out and do them, and keep yourself busy. Take up a new hobby if you need one, but do something! Get out amongst people and enjoy new company and new things. Those old feelings will pass and will be replaced by new feelings.


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## stressor (Jan 25, 2007)

it sounds to me like she wants all the ocntrol. to me that is a sign of insecurity and a lot of her baggage comes with her.  it also sounds like you are the caring and sensitive type. who might be easier to control. i think you should run and be glad for the experience.  i don't believe that there is failure in a relationship ending, just lessons to learn and chalk up to experience for the next try.


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## Into The Light (Jan 25, 2007)

> Even though I know she didn't show respect for me and that I'm better off without her, why do I still like her so much?


you were attracted to her when you met, and there were things about her you liked. you saw positive things in her. those are probably things that are still coming to mind when you think of her, despite the negative aspects. that's perfectly natural 

i hope this helps.


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## Me and myself (Jan 30, 2007)

Many thanks for the replies. My mind is so mixed up that sometimes I forget to say a simple "Thank you!".

Thanks again.


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