# Thought of Self Harm and Suicide



## suewatters1

Hi everyone I have been taking half a tablet of Seroquel at bedtime an last week I was told to take half a tablet twice a day.  I notice an improvement during the day.  I felt better about life.  For sleeping it did help some nights but not anymore.
Well Friday I started my monthly cycles and my mood has gotten worst.
Today I have strong thoughts of SI and I have thoughts of suicide.

Could that just be because of my monthly cycles?

Right now all I want to do is sleep these thoughts away so when I wake up I hopefully feel better.

Sue


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## Retired

> Right now all I want to do is sleep these thoughts away so when I wake up I hopefully feel better.



If you feel going to sleep might help get you past these thoughts, then go ahead and do it.  It is quite possible that variations in hormone levels during your mentrual cycle perhaps combined with less light suring the winter months could affect mood, according to the NIH/Medline Plus information on Premenstrual dysphoric disorder and Premenstrual syndrome

Some suggestions from that Medline Plus:



> A healthy lifestyle is the first step to managing PMDD.
> 
> Eat a balanced diet (with more whole grains, vegetables, fruit, and little or no salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine)
> Get regular aerobic exercise throughout the month to redue the severity of PMS symptoms
> Try changing your sleep habits before taking drugs for insomnia (See also: Sleeping difficulty)



Have you reported feeling this way to your doctor?

Do you feel you can keep yourself safe until after you get some sleep, or would it help to call a friend to come over, or perhaps get out of the house to visit a friend?


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## Daniel

Are you currently on a SSRI?   If not, I would consider asking for one even though (I assume) you have tried them extensively before.


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## suewatters1

Thanks everyone.  I just woke up from 3 hours sleep.  My mind feels groggy because I took extra Lyrica to help me sleep. I have to go do some laundry so I can have some clean cloths for work.
I did send an email to my psychiatrist before I went to sleep.

I am groggy so I should sleep well tonight.

Sue

PS: I am taking Pristiq.  I was on 150 mg but my DR reduced it to 100 mg a few months back.

---------- Post added at 09:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:24 PM ----------

I am tired and I didn't do any laundry yet and I have strong thoughts of self harm. I am watching the music awards right now but I should be sleeping.  I go to work tomorrow for 10:15 am.


Sue


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## Retired

Sue,

Keep yourself safe until you get back to work tomorrow morning and let us know how you are doing tomorrow.


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## suewatters1

I am at work. I didn't sleep well last night so I am very tired today.
I still have thoughts of Self harm and suicide.  I am think about my plan while I am working.
I sent another email to my DR last night.
Tomorrow morning I see my CMHA worker  before I go to work that should help me I hope.

Sue


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## Retired

Sue,

Would you promise to keep yourself safe until you see your CMHA worker? 

At that time, explain about your thoughts of self harm and suicide and be sure to tell your worker that your plan is part of your thinking today.


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## suewatters1

Steve I will not end my life today but self injury maybe.
I had a job this morning that gave me to much time to think. This after the job is good and I am working around tht are fun to be with so I asked my boss permission to stay there rest of the day and he had no problem with that.

Sue


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## Retired

Sue,



> I will not end my life today but self injury maybe.



You need to take care of yourself, and not risk infections from self injury.  Have you taken all your meds, and have you heard back from your doctor?


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## suewatters1

HI Steve. Take all of my meds.  My DR sometimes checks his email brefore he leaves work or around 8 p.  My next visit with him is next Monday in Ottawa.
I will call my other DR I see in town to let him know more. I only called him once on the weekend but I have more to say and writes what I say to hion his answering machine unto paper then he puts in my folder so we can discuss I at our next session.

Thanks

Sue


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## forgetmenot

Hope your appt goes well then hun with your doctor   and i hope you do not do any more self harm Sue  You deserve compassion hun please be good to YOU okay


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## suewatters1

Thanks Eclipse.  I took a prescription muscle relaxant towards the end of my day at work and not long after I was home I went to bed and slept for about 3 hours that helped.  I see my CMHA worker in the morning and my Ottawa DR next Monday.  I am still tired so after playing a bit more of my Facebook games I will be going back to bed.

Sue

---------- Post added February 14th, 2012 at 10:34 AM ---------- Previous post was February 13th, 2012 at 10:00 PM ----------

I went to see my CMHA worker and just one look at me she saw I was totally burned out.  She suggested I don't go to work today.  I didn't really wanted to either and she validated what I was feeling.  I was hoping I could get a DR note for the day off as work is getting real strict on people taking days off work.  But my DR wasn't there so they couldn't give me a note.
I am tired and I am going back to bed I don't feel totally safe by myself but I mentioned to my worker that I would go visit my aunt and uncle this afternoon.

I told her if I could write my thoughts down like I would on a suicide note and get all that anger out for who I am blame for making me such a weak person that I would consider suicide then maybe I will feel better getting that anger out.  Also when I feel that anger again I can just reread the suicide note on my computer and hopefully I could let that rage out of me and that might make me feel better.

Sue

---------- Post added at 06:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:34 AM ----------

I slept a lot today which is good but then I was researching stuff on the Internet on how I could end my life.
I hate feeling this way because there is lots of people who loves me but feeling depress like I am feeling makes it that I know I would hurt lots of people if I died but I would finally be free from my emotional struggles and pain.


I am just tired of keep feeling this way

Sue


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## Retired

> I mentioned to my worker that I would go visit my aunt and uncle this afternoon



Sue,

Can you arrange to visit your family or have one of them come spend some time with you?

Have a look at the Eastern Ontario Crisis Line website for local support where you call toll free, 24 hours a day:

*WITHIN OTTAWA
 613-722-6914 

OUTSIDE OTTAWA
 1-866-996-0991*

About the Crisis Line Coverage

Destroy any alcohol you might have in the house and get rid of any of the instruments that might be in your plan.

What response did you get from the emails to your doctor and when is your next appointment?

Remember, if you cannot keep youself safe, call 911.


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## Daniel

> I would finally be free from my emotional struggles and pain.



I like the paradoxical phrase "if you don't want it, you've got it"  -- which relates to radical acceptance in DBT and other mindfulness approaches.


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## suewatters1

I didn't go visit my Aunt because when I woke up it was late afternoon.
So far no response from DR and I emailed him again today just a few minutes ago about how I want to die.
My next visit with him is Monday morning.

I am trying to get more sleep tonight so that when I wake up in the morning I will be ready for work.
I got an email from my Boss this afternoon as he was concern for me considering the way I felt at work yesterday.
Thank for the hotline numbers I keep a card in my wallet for when I need it.  I need to at least one load of laundry before I go to bed.  In an earlier email to my DR I mention what my suicide note would be if I ever decided to end my life.

I am just tired of the BS I have been through and I am tired of keep fighting on.

Thanks everyone

Sue


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## Retired

Sue,

Would you please call the crisis line number in Eastern Ontario 

*WITHIN OTTAWA
 613-722-6914 

OUTSIDE OTTAWA
 1-866-996-0991*

and have a conversation with one of the people there.  They are there for exactly the purpose that you need at this moment.

Have you been drinking any alcohol or taking any drugs other than your prescribed meds at the prescribed doses today?

You have written on the Forum in the past about people who care about you, and these are the people on whom you need to focus your thoughts right now.  It would be unfair to these caring people to take yourself out of their lives, because you are an important person to them.

These people are your reason for living, Sue.

Will you promise to call the crisis line and to keep yourself safe until tomorrow when you can post again here on the Forum to give us a progress report?

Stay safe, Sue.


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## suewatters1

Steve I feel a bit better now playing some Facebooks Games.  Yes I took extra Lyrica to help me sleep tonight and I am having a mix drink with it.  But I feel more hopeful then I did earlier maybe because of all the sleep I had today.
I will keep you posted on how I feel tomorrow.

Thanks

Sue


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## Retired

> I am having a mix drink with it



Be good to yourself tonight and refrain from any more.  Keep your mind sharp and keep yourself safe.


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## suewatters1

I will keep myself safe tonight

Sue


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## Retired

We'll be looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow.  Take care of yourself.


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## Cat Dancer

Why not just write a note about the anger and not make it a suicide note? You could just get that anger out and that pain and hurt which is usually behind anger. I am  concerned about feeding the suicidal thoughts with a note like that. Anyway, I hope you feel better very soon.


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## splimwad

This is a good suggestion. Sometimes writing down in black and white on paper all of your feelings, or writing to that part of you that feels this way, is a very good way of getting out the frustration.
However I echo very strongly that you should talk to a helpline or a crisis line, when you get those feelings of self harm or suicide. When you feel like this, it is good to know there is someone there to talk to and to listen to all of your feelings at a time of need.
Good luck with everything.


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## suewatters1

Thanks CD I already wrote the note yesterday afternoon and when I read the part where I mentioned the bullies and what they have done to me and wrote aren't you glad that I am dead now it makes me cry.
Please delete any part that is inappropriate.
Sue

---------- Post added at 08:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:29 AM ----------

This morning I called my CMHA worker left her a message on her answering machine about my suicide note.  She just called me about 20 minutes ago concern about the message I left her.  We talked for 10 minutes on the phone.
I left the same message to my other 2 DRS.

I am still tired but I have to be at work for 10:15 am.

Sue

---------- Post added at 07:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:49 AM ----------

Well I got an update.  I found this morning I was very tired at work but was not so bad this afternoon.

A few of us at work were talking about how how somebody on modified work complains about me because I am on modified work taking other peoples jobs from them.  Well we had a brief discussion about that when the Lead hand  who gives us our jobs heard us talking.  She made the comment to me that because I come into work 2 hours later then any one else that she thinks it's not fair that she has to displace somebody from there job to accommodate me.  I come in 2 hours later because medically I can't work 8 hours days anymore.

Also since I hurt myself last fall at work I had to become more assertive by telling her or my bosses assistant that I can't do certain jobs.  Well today she comment that she isn't sure that when I say I can't do a job if it is because I don't want to do the job.  I have been there 28 years I never refuse to do a job because I didn't want to.  They force me to do job when I couldn't do it many times.  I am #7 on a seniority list of over 300+ employees I always gave 100% of myself and my boss once told me I give 150% of myself.  Because I am being more assertive that she thinks I don't feel like doing a job I say to them I can't.  That a lot of BS.  I hurt myself last fall and I am still in pain because I didn't have the guts to say it was to much for me.

I told my boss what she said and he said that wasn't right what she said about me he is going to talk to her and tell her if she doesn't want to do the job he will replace her.  He told me if anybody gives me any problem to let him know. I said that is why I wanted to speak with you to tell what the girl told me 20 minutes earlier.  He knows I tell him when people give me a hard time.  He has been putting his foot down with his assistant who acts like she is the boss and he tells me he puts her in her place lately to let me know he is being more firm with her.

I am still emotionally tired but feeling better then I did last night

Sue


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## Daniel

> but feeling better then I did last night



Good to hear. 



> I come in 2 hours later because medically I can't work 8 hours days anymore.



I would be proud of myself for just going to work before noon


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## suewatters1

Thanks Daniel I try not to miss work especially since I take a day off ever two weeks to go to Ottawa to see my psychiatrist.  I was never one to make on purpose to miss work.  I would feel bad if I did.

I haven't been working 8 hour days since the summer of 2009.  I use to come in late most days and leave early everyday and the company didn't like that so last summer my hours changed to start after they finish their morning break and on Fridays at 9 am because we finish at 3:15 pm.

I am in my bedroom and I see my note and I read it and it just makes me cry how the bullies get to me.  There a documentary coming out in March called the Bully Project.  I was almost in the documentary.  In 2009 I was talking over the phone with the producer and director because they wanted me to be in the documentary.  But they were going to interview the kids first and get back to me later but they never did.

I am glad because they wanted me to wear a microphone and have a camera on me that nobody could see and I didn't like the idea. This was before they even had funding for their project.

Sue

---------- Post added February 16th, 2012 at 06:10 PM ---------- Previous post was February 15th, 2012 at 08:37 PM ----------

Every day I come home from work emotionally and physically tired and in pain.  I get so discourage feeling this way every day,  I get so fed up with it.  It's when I feel like this I mix alcohol and meds together or do some other stupid things.

Sue


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## Daniel

> It's when I feel like this I mix alcohol and meds together or do some other stupid things.



I'm sure you do some positive things, too, to relax.  So trying to more of those positive things may be an obvious goal.


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## suewatters1

I do do positive things but when I feel this exhausted physically and mentally those positive I do I loose interest in them.

_ {triggering details deleted}_

When I feel this way I just don't give damn about anything just finding a way numb my body and brain.

Sue


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## Daniel

> just finding a way numb my body and brain.



And those things work -- in the short-run.    In the long term, obviously, they are problematic.


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## suewatters1

I know Daniel Alcohol and drug addiction.  Also what they mentioned on CNN last night.  Any amount of Alcohol and medication together could kill some one.  I know that and I just don't care.I know it's a stupid answer but it's the truth for me.
The only thing I hate is having to PEE almost every 10 minutes.

Sue


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## Daniel

As you probably know, I am fan of DBT.

For example:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/28639-calming-the-emotional-storm.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/27118-dbt-meets-the-12-steps.html

The founder of DBT, Marsha Linehan, mentions that she once had a profound spiritual experience that helped her to keep going during dark times.   So I think that's part of the reason she was attracted to Zen/mindfulness.


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## Retired

> Any amount of Alcohol and _(Central Nervous Depressant )_ medication together could kill some one



It's a warning that has been taken too lightly over the years and has been the cause of many people getting into needless trouble.

The warning should be heeded when the the warning is noted on tranquilizers, pain relievers and various other CNS depressant medications.


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## suewatters1

_{details deleted as triggering}_

A girl at work says to me do you want to become like Whitney Houston I said I don't care.I know that is wrong to think like that but that is the way I feel. I emailed my DR about what I did.  I see him on Monday.

Sue


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## Daniel

> I said I don't care.



Part of you does and part of you doesn't.  One way of thinking about it is that to resolve the cognitive dissonance of such conflicting thoughts/emotions, people fall back on all-or-nothing thinking and other cognitive distortions.


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## suewatters1

Thanks Daniel I have a hard time to understand what cognitive dissonance means.  I am reading from Wikipedia what it means and still have a hard time to understand it.  Part of my learning problem I had all my life not always understanding something if it is not explain more in an easy terms.

Sue


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## Daniel

Exposure Therapy: Eliminating Anxiety Disorder?s Fear, Part 1

?Cognition? is simply any mental process that we have involving knowledge, attitude, emotion, belief, or behavior. ?Dissonance? is a term borrowed from music, meaning the grating together of two conflicting, incompatible notes. The theory of cognitive dissonance states that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that causes the mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to reduce the amount of dissonance between cognitions.

For example, you may enter Exposure Therapy with the fear of flying. You hold the thought in your mind that flying is unsafe, which produces fearful sensations in your mind and body. Your therapy will teach you that airplanes have an admirable safety record, and though uncomfortable, flying is nothing to fear. During the course of your Exposure Therapy, the two conflicting, or dissonant, thoughts ? fear of flying and the safety of flying ? gradually resolve themselves into a belief that flying is safe and nothing to fear: a consonance of thoughts.


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## suewatters1

I would like to apologize for posting graphic information I didn't mean to.  I realized while I was working this afternoon that I might get an Infraction.  So I think I will a break from this website if I can resist it.as a punishment to myself to remember to think before I posts any thing.  I have a hard to knowing the difference where it crosses the line and I better learn.

Sue


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## David Baxter PhD

No need to punish yourself by staying away from the forum or in any other way. Just try to be more mindful of things that are likely to be triggers for others.


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## Cat Dancer

Don't do that, Sue. Don't punish yourself. You need support and help and we want to provide that for you. 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Do you like to read or are there any hobbies that you used to enjoy that you could make yourself do to get your mind off all this stuff? I've been working on a dollhouse I found on Craigslist. I know it's kind of a silly hobby for a grown up but I have always loved miniatures and Abigail is enjoying helping me. She's my excuse for having dollhouses and stuff like that. 

I hope you find some non self destructive way to deal with things. I know how easy it is to get pulled in the wrong direction, but remember you can make good choices too. It's hard, but it can be done. I'm "preaching" to myself here too. I need to be more positive and do more positive things and try to think more positively. I think we can do it.  Don't give up and please don't stop coming here.


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## suewatters1

I go see my Psychiatrist in Ottawa tomorrow morning.
I am still having strong thoughts of suicide. I have done an S.I Injurie and other dangerous stuff since I last posted.  


		PHP:
	



My parents asked me today when they die how will my inheritance affect me for the fact I am on ODSP.  I said I don't know. Tonight on my way to DQ to order a Birthday cake for my brother I thought maybe I will die before my parents do and they won't have to worry about it.  I am still planning for my future but would rather be dead.

Sue

---------- Post added February 20th, 2012 at 12:44 PM ---------- Previous post was February 19th, 2012 at 11:31 PM ----------

I had the worse DR appointment in the 3 years I have been to see him. He said I am exagerating things and what happen to me at work in the past is the past and  get over it.  Well I can't get over it.  Being harassed for years and years and just get over it like nothing happen?  I has effected me so much.
Would you tell a person who is suffering from PTSD just to get over it.  I am not saying I have PTSD but I have suffered greatly to the point I can't take care of myself and want to end my life.  He says if I continue to mix my meds with alcohol he will take away all of my meds.  More reason to end my life.
When people don't take it seriously how I suffered because of the bullying and harassment it just makes me mad.  What happened to me changed the person I have become to somebody I hate so much.  Will it take my death to make people realize what they have done to me is wrong and has and still is affecting me.


I see him again next Monday

Sue


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## forgetmenot

Sue a psychiatrist  does not see the emotional needs as well as a psychologist does  just my opinion This psychiatrist is about medication  and not therapy
  How can he say get over it  hell it is not his pain  really not his trauma 
   You need therapy  to get over the trauma you need someone who will not judge you  but help you change  help you let go of the pain
   I do hope you can get referred to someone who will listen  and understand  h ugs


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## David Baxter PhD

suewatters1 said:


> He says if I continue to mix my meds with alcohol he will take away all of my meds.  More reason to end my life.



No. More reason to stop mixing your medications with alcohol.


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## suewatters1

I known what you are saying DR.  I do it because I have a hard time to deal with the trauma I have endure for so many years.  Why isn't he  helping me deal with the trauma and move forward?
I am worse at taking care of myself because of years of abuse and I need helt to deal with it all so I can start treating myself in a better way and not in a distructive way.

Sue


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## David Baxter PhD

suewatters1 said:


> I known what you are saying DR.  I do it because I have a hard time to deal with the trauma I have endure for so many years.  Why isn't he  helping me deal with the trauma and move forward?
> I am worse at taking care of myself because of years of abuse and I need helt to deal with it all so I can start treating myself in a better way and not in a distructive way.
> 
> Sue



You can start now learning how to take better care of yourself by not doing things you know are self-destructive. You know other ways to deal with stress but you continue to choose the self-destructive ways. THAT is what your psychiatrist is trying to tell you and when he says that he IS helping you. Sympathizing with someone is all very good but it often isn't helpful at all in getting the person to make the changes she needs to make.

And ultimately, you are the one who has to make the changes. No one can do it for you.


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## suewatters1

Dr. I listen to calming music I play games on my phone or my computer.  I go to all my counselling sessions I have different people but I want to know when life feels overwhelming or a situation feels overwhelming I try telling myself things will get better and sometimes they do but not every time.  I want a way to tell myself what happen in the past was nothing but I can't.
When I get home I am physically tired from my CIDP residuals and the injury I got from work last fall that did not heal yet and I am emotionally tired from trying to be more assertive for the first time in 48 years and dealing with the bullies almost every day so my brain feels like Swiss cheese and can't always get my thoughts together.

Is there not a different approach he could use with like he would somebody who has trauma from past experiences they need to deal with?

Sue


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## Daniel

> so my brain feels like Swiss cheese and can't always get my thoughts together.



From a traditional behavior therapy perspective, e.g. B.F. Skinner with pigeons, it doesn't even matter what you think  -- the mind can be treated as a black box since the important thing is behavior.
Of course, cogntive therapy was then later developed and integrated behavior therapy, with the result being CBT.

In other words:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptan...27532-which-comes-first-doing-or-knowing.html



> Is there not a different approach he could use with like he would  somebody who has trauma from past experiences they need to deal with?



Wayne Dyer recommends that trauma victims sooner or later help others who have been traumatized, e.g. voluneering at a women's center, as way to take the focus off oneself (as in depression) and onto others (as in life-affirming engagement).


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## suewatters1

I am only doing what I know.  I want to know more I want a happy life.  I want learn to deal with the abuse I suffered for years at work.

Sue


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## David Baxter PhD

I understand all that Sue but ultimately you need to do the work and you need to make more of a consistent effort to avoid self-destructive coping habits and push yourself more to engage in healthy coping activities. Using the healthy coping strategies on your good days and then abandoning them on your bad days, and dwelling on past hurts rather than making a greater effort to move forward away from those past hurts just keeps you a prisoner, barricaded in an unpleasant status quo.

When you go to your doctor or therapist, I think what you want is sympathy and someone to rescue you, but that's not realistic. Your psychiatrist gave you good and helpful advice but it wasn't what you wanted to hear so now you are feeling like a victim again. As long as you give into those victim perceptions and feelings, you will continue to be a victim, not just of the past but of yourself.

When it's clear that the status quo is not working for you, there's only one remedy: Start doing things differently. That's what your psychiatrist was telling you today.

I may understand why you engage in your self-destructive behaviors but I don't feel sympathy for you when that happens because I know it's preventing you from getting any better. And if I were your therapist, I don't think I'd be helping you by giving you sympathy at such times.

Change is hard, emotionally and physically. But it's the only viable option. And that means you need to learn to listen to what people are telling you and move forward instead of condemning yourself to remain in an endless loop of misery and resentment.


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## forgetmenot

I have found that when i am in pain  instead of self harming Sue  i turn to a place where i reach out and help others in pain  thus  i am not focusing on me anymore but helping others.
    The pain we feel may never go away but it is in changing ourselves we can learn to not let that pain control us right.
   I too have been struggling with letting go  It only harms us more holding onto it. 
  If you can Sue  try to do some work that makes YOU see that you are good 
  I hope i am making sense   When i get triggered my first thoughts are self harm  but then i changed that thought and i go right to that place and i reach out to help others and in doing so  the pain for me becomes less.  

I see what Dr Baxter is saying now  only ourselves can make changes hun  noone else can do that for us
   Somehow when you are in that pain you have to channel it to something good
  I try so hard to understand and i think now I am starting too
   Don't give them any more power Sue okay
  YOu show them all that you have control now  you will not let your abusers win
   I hope i made some sense  but i do understand your pain  and i hope you can  learn to let it go through you and not let it control you any more  hugs


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## David Baxter PhD

Exactly! Very well said, Eclipse.


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## Daniel

> When you go to your doctor or therapist, I think what you want is sympathy and someone to rescue you, but that's not realistic.



And Fritz Pearls used to say something like most people used therapy not as a way to grow as a person but to become more comfortable with their "neurosis."  Of course, that would be an overgeneralization, anyway.


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## suewatters1

Thanks everyone.  It is just that the past somehow tide to the present because my coworkers still treat me the same way.  When I feel good I like helping people fix their computer but when I am like this I have a hard time to have confidence in myself to do a good job and I have to wait till I feel better about myself.
I am still in Ottawa and I have to drive home so logging out for now.

Sue


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## forgetmenot

I do understand Sue how the past and present intertwine  i do.  No one will put up with that bullying in the workplace now  
 You have rights you can report the abuse even to authorities  because it is not allowed.   
  You are good hun and  you have power NOW you have control now  not like in the past  you  are in charge okay  
These people have issues they must have  or else they would not feel the need to harm others.  Talk to your councillors okay get them to teach you how to let that pain through you  and not let it eat away at you   hugs toyou  Have a safe drive home


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## suewatters1

I contact the legal Clinic a year ago about this and the lawyer I had was trying to help me but didn't do much and now that Compensation denied my claim of last fall She can't handle 2 claims so she is passing my claims on to another Lawyer who she says is better at this type of thing.

Sue


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## forgetmenot

I am glad she has got someone to help her then and perhaps this new lawyer will help you more


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## suewatters1

I called my psychiatrist and left a voice message saying I had a suicide plan but that I don't expect to do anything this weekend because I see him on Monday and my Cmha worker on Tuesday and my psychotherapist on Tuesday.  
I know I need time off work but if I take too much time off work I would have to file for Unemployment insurance and I would have to claim my ODSP money I get and vice versus. So. I wouldn't get any money.  So I am looking at that option also.

Sue

---------- Post added at 09:29 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:00 AM ----------

I am suppose to go to work today but I am still in bed can't get myself to go. To work and all I can think of is wanting to kill myself.  But I told my Cmha worker that I would keep myself safe till I see her on Tuesday.
But it's hard the way I am feeling now.

Sue

---------- Post added at 11:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:29 AM ----------

My CMHA worker called me.  She said I could take up to 3 weeks off without filing for EI and it won't affect my ODSP.
2 weeks no problem for 3 weeks my worker would have to advocate for me.  So when I go see my DR next week I will ask him to give me 2 weeks off work so if. I need more in a few months I could take another 2 weeks.  That to me is good news.

Sue

---------- Post added at 06:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 AM ----------

I did a lot of sleeping today and that seem to help me.  I am looking forward to go see my DR next week and requesting 2 weeks off work.

Steve I was not expecting to answer my question I sent you in a PM.  I need the thought out of my head and tell someone what I was thinking last night without getting penalized.   I told my CMHA worker what I told you and I did follow you advice and post on the forum today

Sue


----------



## Daniel

BTW:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/coping-strategies/15633-have-a-holiday-at-home.html

I felt like I was on vacation even going to the Burger King in my town for the first time.


----------



## suewatters1

Thanks Daniel.  I do have to watch my money but I go to fast food restaurant regularly.  What I want to do is the first week sleep and do what feels right to me then the 2nd week clean my house because it look like I am a hoarder but I am not I am  just to tired to clean my place do dishes and cook for myself.  I was going to buy myself a laptop but these 2 weeks are more important to me to keep me alive then a laptop.  That could wait.

Sue


----------



## suewatters1

When I read about suicide and people say my family and friends are better off without me that is not the case for me.  My family and friends would be sad without me but I would be better without me.
I acknowledge that I have many people that love me. But I get tired of struggling with the way I feel physically and emotionally.


Sue


----------



## Retired

> When I read about suicide and people say my family and friends are better off without me



Where are you reading this kind of destructive commentary?


----------



## Daniel

> But I get tired of struggling with the way I feel physically and emotionally.


Every time people mention physical pain, etc., the first thing that comes to my mind is MBSR (Mindfulness-based stress reduction) and the related book, _Full Catastrophe Living_.  I listened to the audio version of that book, and it was relaxing just listening to the author's soothing voice. 

Anyway, there are YouTube videos of the author, Jon Kabat-Zinn, that are just as good as the book. For example, from one of his videos: "Mindfulness is a way to live your life as if it really mattered."


----------



## suewatters1

In topics where there is mentioned that suicidal people think that families and friends are better off without them.  I disagree with that statement.
I read it on this forum what suicidal people think in articles that are posted.
I wanted to say I disagree with that statement. I know lots people care about me.

Sue
Please if I said anything that inappropriate please delete it so I don't get into more trouble.

---------- Post added at 08:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:37 PM ----------

Daniel the pain I feel is from me having CIDP and the fact I injured my back and left elbow last fall and it hasn't healed yet.
Sue

---------- Post added at 08:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:40 PM ----------

I also want to say there are so many kind an caring people on this forum.

Thanks


----------



## Daniel

A small pilot study that says that meditation/MBSR can help with the pain of peripheral neuropathy:

http://www.mscare.org/cmsc/images/journal/pdf/IJMSC_Winter_11_final_effects-of-meditation.pdf

And certainly back pain is one of the most common pains people have, with mindfulness and CBT being helpful for coping with any type of chronic pain.


----------



## suewatters1

I have a question I want to ask if it is appropriate.  Many people attempt to commit suicide but many do not succeed.  So what does a person do or say to their family and friends after a failed attempt?  I would feel so bad so much worse for not succeeding. 
If this question is inappropriate please remove it.   I simply ask because if I ever try and I don't succeed then I would want to know how to handles things after a failed attempt.

Sue


----------



## Daniel

It is unfortunate that the term "success" became associated with completing suicide.  It is likewise painfully ironic that "failed" was associated with survival (of an attempt).  That is why the trend now is to use other words instead like "completed" and "uncompleted."




> Many people attempt to commit suicide but many do not succeed.


Indeed, most who attempt suicide never die from suicide, though mental disorders like depression are associated with additional health risks from a greater incidence of smoking, obesity, sedentary lifestyle, alcoholism, substance abuse, etc.


----------



## Cat Dancer

I know that you have a lot of pain, mental and physical. I worry about you kind of dwelling on suicide. I can relate. I struggle too. What I do sometimes is just tell myself NO NOT an option. Suicide is not an option and then it will kind of fade away for awhile. I know how hard it is with the thoughts. I just wish/hope you can learn to dwell on more positive things like having a family who cares about you.


----------



## Daniel

> I just wish/hope you can learn to dwell on more positive things like having a family who cares about you.


And also positive behaviors to interefere with rumimation like maybe spending more time outdoors or going out more, doing something new, listening to new music, socializing, getting some CDs or DVDs from the library, etc.  I find it especially helpful to spend more time in social spaces or in Nature, both of which provide novelty since neither type of environment is static.


----------



## Retired

> So what does a person do or say to their family and friends after a failed attempt? I would feel so bad so much worse for not succeeding.



First, as Daniel has accurately stated, there is no success in a completed suicide, only tragedy for everyone involved.  In fact the tragedy extends not only to the immediate family and friends, but also to just about everyone who may have had recent contact with the person who tragically completed the suicide.

Second, the response of friends and family is not the issue here, but rather tha fact that you are focused on self destructive behaviour fueled by distorted thinking.

It's like like a diabetic shopping in a candy store or an alcoholic shopping in a liquor store.

You need to avoid the influences that feed your self destructive thinking and seek out positive suportive influences that can help re-orient your thinking toward becoming healthy and productive. 

Sue, can you see that your thinking is currently distorted, and as a result you seem to be seeking out self destructive thoughts and activities?

Numerous people are trying to point you in the direction to get the kind of professional help that can restore your rational thinking and keep you safe, yet you seem to be resisting to act on their constructive advice and continue to focus on self destruction.

Are you reporting this behaviour to your psychiatrist and to your CMHA worker and the therapists you see?

Are you ready to get out of this negative spiral?


----------



## suewatters1

Steve my CMHA worker knows I have a plan that I am not going to act on.  I play a dangerous game that is worse then cutting and mixing things together and they know that.
I go see my Psychiatrist on Monday morning and my CMHA worker Tuesday morning and Psychotherapist  Tuesday evening.  Also hopefully I will have no trouble getting 2 weeks off from my DR on Monday.  They know everything.  I left them voicemail.

Thanks
PS: I am a diabetic going into a candy store.

Sue


----------



## Retired

> I play a dangerous game that is worse then cutting and mixing things together



Help me understand the way you see the up side of doing this.



> They (doctors) know everything



What are they advising you to do to overcome this behaviour?



> PS: I am a _diabetic_ going into a candy store.



...knowingly placing oneself in a risky, dangerous or triggering situation is irresponsible behaviour for a rational adult.


----------



## suewatters1

There is not up side to it.  But for me it's somehow stop me from thinking and I can't focus on anything I mean the bad stuff and it's a way to calm me down.  But I know it's wrong.  I was in the hospital for 2 day last fall because the hospital found out about it and send me to psych ward for 2 days.  I even did while I was in the psych ward for almost 2 hours without them finding out.  Which don't make sense.  I was asked to do anonymous survey a few months later about my stay and I told them everything even about the dangerous game I played.  Maybe things will be better for the next person going in.

What my DR tell me to do is to stop doing it; it's dangerous but not doing anything more which I need more then just to tell me to stop.
My sugar levels were good the last few years with my meds even if I forget to take them twice a day sometimes but since my DR lower my Depression pill to 100mg which is the Max ( I was on 150 mg) I notice my sugars weren't as good I gained weight and my latest blood work shows my creatine level are below normal when they were above normal last year.  So that bothers me too.  I am watching a bit more what I eat when I make myself a meal.  I can't even do that lately so I hope the two weeks off I will learn to clean my house do my dishes and make proper meals again.
I had somewhat a better day at work but I glad I am home and I hope that I have no problem getting the 2 weeks off I want.

Thanks Steve

Sue

---------- Post added at 04:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:34 PM ----------

Could it be like OCD because I am so obsess with do it to call me down?

Sue

I think if I was a rational person I wouldn't be thinking of suicide right?

Thanks for your input

Sue


----------



## Daniel

> I think if I was a rational person I wouldn't be thinking of suicide right?


I like the metaphor that it is like trying to overcome a cold virus with a nuclear bomb.


----------



## Retired

> I think if I was a rational person I wouldn't be thinking of suicide right?



No, rational people can engage in destructive or irresponsible behaviours because their thinking becomes distorted.  By seeking professional help and following their therapeutic recommendations, along with modifying the destructive behaviours to adopt productive behaviours can help.

Thinking about suicide, formulating a plan, mixing substances not intended to be mixed are dangerous, destructive and unhealthy behaviours.



> But I know it's wrong



Then you need to take the necessary steps to modify these behaviours by following the advice of your doctors.  The work to change behaviours is probably hard, but you deserve a better quality of life than what you are describing, and the hard work should be worth it.


----------



## suewatters1

I was never told how to my modify my destructive behavior execpt to do relaxation exercise.

Sue


----------



## Retired

> I was never told how to my modify my destructive behavior execpt to do relaxation exercise.


 
I was not aware of that, Sue. You had noy shared that in previous posts.

When you see your psychiatrist the next time, ask if you could start a program of behavioural modification  (I believe it is now referred to as CBT..cognitive behavioural therapy to help figure out ways you can modify the very behaviours that seeem to dominate and perhaps control your life, based on what you have shared with us.

You may be referred to a different specialist, perhaps a psychologist with expertise in CBT.

Others may have additional suggestions on how you can become enroled in a program that might just help turn your life around.


----------



## suewatters1

Steve I usualy go to my appointments and talk about what is bothering me and how I feel and he ask me questions.  Sometimes he would ask questions about my childhood down to every minut details.
With my Psychotherapist I do the same thing but I think he deals with CBT so I will ask him also.
Yesterday at the Leadhand told me that people with a work related injury if there is only 2 jobs will say and they can't do either job then they will split a job in 2.  Because there is less modified work since doubled up some jobs but if you don't have work related injury they don't do that.
That is not true by the Human rights acts but that is what they considered the truth which is wrong.
I know the law for people with Disabilities and I tried telling them 5 years ago and was yelled at for trying to prove my point.
Both my DRS told me I was right that they have to treat work related and non work related injuries the same.  Wait till I tell that to my DRS and my new lawyer.  She is good and she is one of  our City Council members voted by the people.

Sue


----------



## Retired

> I usualy go to my appointments and talk about what is bothering me and how I feel and he ask me questions....my Psychotherapist I do the same thing



I have always felt the realtionship between a patient (client) and health provider should be a collaboration, a partnership where both parties contribute to the conversation.  This is not to say the patient is telling the doctor what to do, because, the doctor, therapist or psychologist is a trained professional we are consulting for their expertise.

However, I don't feel the client or patient should be a passive participant, where the health professional does all the talaking and recivies no input or direction from the patient.

A full collaboration requires complete and unconditional honesty and disclosure of one's entire medical history, with no exclusions.  Your healthcare professional should not be judgemental, and nothing disclosed within the interview should leave the romm; but that information is crusial for your health care professional to be able to make an objective evaluation of your situation, so that effective treatment options can be offered.

Therefore, Sue, if you are going to get the full benefit of your therapy, you need to take an active role by telling your doctor and therapists what goals in therapy you expect to achieve, the issues you expect to get resolved, and yo need to make sure they are fully aware of every symptom and activity in your life that contributes to the issues that are adversely affecting your life at this time.

Once you and your therapists fully understand each other, the next step is to establish a proposed time line of what you can expect from your therapy, how long it might take and what the end result is expected to be.

If you are satisfied with the expected result and the plan on how to get there, your job (responsibility) is to follow the instructions given to you and report back any deviations from the therapeutic plan.



> That is not true by the Human rights acts but that is what they considered the truth which is wrong.




It is my opinion that complex labor related issues between an employee and employer should be handled by a professional labor consultant such as a lawyer specializing in labor law.  Other than routine disagreements about everyday job related issues that can be resolved in a conversation or memo internally, when issues become as complex as yours seems to be, I feel it's counter productuve for you, the employee to be advocating on your own behalf with management.

Given your fragile emotional and psychological state at this time, I don't feel you can be effective in advocating your own case, as your employer or their representatives don't seem to want to accomodate your needs.

If I were you, I would get a lawyer who specializes in labor law, and let that person handle all communications and negotiations on your behalf, if you feel the final result is financially worth the cost of hiring your own advocate.

Your other option is to walk away from the job, the employer and make other arrangements, in the interests of your own good health.  In all situations there often comes a time when we have to acknowledge nothing more can be gained, and just walk away, knowing we put up the best fight we could.


----------



## suewatters1

Thanks Steve.  I disclose everything to my DRS. They help me deal with other issues like if a family issues comes up I don't know how to deal with or how to handle some work issues I have but I need also to deal with my distructive behaviors.
The lawyer I will have is part of the Legal Clinic for people with low income and you only pay if you have to go to court and you win.
Because I am on Ontario Disabilty Pension I want to quit working but not all of my meds are covered by ODSP and my DR has to ask permission to get them paid for and he hasn't done it yet and I keep asking him.  We have a good drug plan at work it pay 90% of our meds.  It's a plan the company pays for we don't.
I also want to get a few things I want before I retire.  Since I just started getting money from them last summer I have been trying to pay off my credit cards and I just renewed my mortgage and I got to make sure I could live off $1140.00 a month which I can't right now but working hard to get there.
I was hoping I could wait till next year but that might be impossible now.  I get money every month from ODSP to make up for some of my lost hours at work which helps me right now.  So if I can get 2 weeks off work and in May I can start taking my holidays ( I get 5 weeks) then that will help.

Sue

---------- Post added at 01:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:54 PM ----------

After reading the article that DR. Baxter posted about bullying made me realize that if I ever decide to commit suicide I would want my family to post a letter in the newpaper that I would have written describing that being bullied for years had led me to commit suicide and I would want the whole world to know.

Sue

---------- Post added at 01:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:39 PM ----------

I am in the mood to self destruct right now.  I am just hurting so much from reading that article.

Sue


----------



## Daniel

BTW: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/28636-essential-secrets-of-psychotherapy.html


----------



## Cat Dancer

Sue, the best "revenge" would be you living a happy, healthy life. Suicide is not the answer. Hurting yourself is not the answer either. Keep working with your doctors and finding healthy ways to get the pain out instead of taking it out on you. That won't solve anything.


----------



## Daniel

Also:



> Misfortune arises when survivors imagine (again, “language” about) their life as a better or more whole human being if the trauma and its pain could be eliminated...
> 
> A common sticking point for clients happens when they hold themselves out to be broken or damaged as a result of their trauma and associated experience. This happens when clients lose contact with themselves as an experiencing being and fuse with their mind—holding the things that the mind has to offer as literally true. The resolution lies in recognition of self-as-context, in recognition that the client is a whole and experiencing being—larger than the mind and what it has to say...
> 
> Self-as-context refers to the idea that we are more than the thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations we are experiencing at any given moment. Each one of us is an entity with all sorts of phenomena going on at all times. That is, we are inhaling and exhaling, our sensory receptors are picking up information, and our thoughts and feelings are also part of this constant and dynamic process occurring within us. As such we are the context for these phenomena, the “whole being greater than the sum of its parts.” This may sound deceptively simple; the ramifications are quite profound, particularly for trauma survivors...Understanding herself as context as opposed to content helps her make *the distinction between these internal experiences and her actual self*. This concept helps trauma survivors get out of the bind of having to erase their internal experiences in order to be okay. In addition, if the self is distinct from these internal experiences, then it follows that the self cannot be broken or ruined by trauma. This realization is huge for our clients...
> 
> ACT specifically targets experiential avoidance and is largely focused on changing one’s life rather than changing one’s insides...The client is asked to be willing to feel what she feels, notice what she thinks, be aware and mindful, and make and keep commitments that are consistent with her personal values...
> 
> We work with people to let go of the struggle to avoid thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma. At the same time, it is important to help people to start engaging in activities that enrich their lives...
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy-act/20498-treating-trauma-with-act.html



Similarly: 



> It came to me that perhaps I was holding onto these early traumas because in some way I felt like the past was me. In other words, who would I be if not for these memories?...
> 
> There is an in-between state where you acknowledge what was but the memory no longer has control over you. I have no specific method or technique to share except that it does take a conscious effort to acknowledge the past but also re-focus your thinking on the present...
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-tra...-and-memory-how-we-can-change-the-script.html



And: posttraumatic growth


----------



## suewatters1

What happens when your still working in an toxic environment when you relive the experiences by not being able to control what people say or do to you in the present.  I know I have to learn how to change my reaction to them but it's not easy if I am avoiding  reliving these experiences with self destructive behaviors and I have to go to work still experiencing them.  I know I want to quit working to go on my pension but that is not possible just right now so I have to do the best I can till I can afford too.
I like the part I read about avoidance problem trying to avoid dealing with them by doing destructive things that is me 100%.  My Dr wants me to forget the past but since it still happens in the present I can't really foget the past but deal with the past and the present.

Thanks everyone

PS: I was told I don't have PTSD but was never told what I do have.

Sue


----------



## Daniel

> by not being able to control what people say or do to you in the present


Certainly, as you allude to above, the ideal is to focus on what you can control, e.g. your own behavior, and to take one day at a time.  

It also helps to see the bigger picture, as with spirituality or other personal values that transcend one's ego.

One of the points in DBT and ACT is that people tend to make things worse when they feel triggered or are in a crisis situation.   So just getting through (surviving) the situation is often the goal, not necessarily feeling better.  Obviously, trying to feel better in the short term is often maladaptive:




> When faced with emotional pain, many people focus on what can give them relief in the moment. They want to stop or suppress the emotion and will do whatever it will take to build a wall between themselves and their feelings. But while short-term focus may provide a brief moment when the pain diminishes, in an hour or a day or a week it’s back—and it’s worse than ever. That’s because short-term relief strategies often harm people in the long run. For example, drugs or alcohol can numb the pain in the moment but create long-term job, relationship, and health problems that eclipse the original distress.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptan...ems-arise-7-maladaptive-coping-behaviors.html


Other things that can help with resilience include increasing mindfulness/acceptance (including self-acceptance and radical acceptance), frustation tolerance (including tolerance of uncertainty), self-efficacy (and, similarly, an external locus of control), and focusing on the “micro-moments” that can help unlock one positive emotion here or there.


----------



## suewatters1

Stop by to visit my Aunt and Uncle but didn't stay long because they were about to leave to go visit one of their daughters and her husband with 2 other grand kids who were staying at their daughters place for the week.  They were babysitting this weekend for their other daughter away on a trip with her husband to try to get back together again a reconciliation trip.

I told her I was having suicide thoughts and that I had a bad appointment with my DR last Monday.  She also knows my Psychotherapist as he was her family DR before he switched careers and wanted to know when I saw him next I said late Tuesday.  My Aunt had a stroke 20 years ago and didn't have any family support at the time so she knows what I am going through.  She says it makes her feel good that she can help me because 20 years ago after her stroke she would go visit some people that were people who couldn't leave there house because of different reason some emotional reasons and she said she would make one person laugh and stuff and her husband would tell my Aunt that his wife was feeling better for about a week after that.  It also made my Aunt feel good and that is why she doesn't mind helping me and she says I make her feel good.  I told her about my driveway being cleaned and she says I pray all the time for you it was one way of God answering my prayers.
She told me God matches one person with another on purpose to help them in life.
I believe that.

Time to relax think of supper and plan what I will tell my DR tomorrow morning and if I feel up to it the Oscars show is on tonight I usually don't miss that but the other day I didn't care if I watch it or not; now I think I will

Sue

---------- Post added February 27th, 2012 at 12:40 PM ---------- Previous post was February 26th, 2012 at 06:08 PM ----------

Just saw my DR.  He originally didn't want to write a note for 2 weeks off work.  He thought my family DR could do that.  I said yes but its because of my mental health.  Then we discuss more stuff and say why would having a bad day on February 13 would make me feel suicidal on the 14.  He doesn't understand that years of bullying made me suicidal.
I tried to tell him why but I don't think he understand
He says wouldn't being off work make it harder for me to go back to work and what are you planning to do off work and I told him.
So he then wrote me a note for work saying I will be off work for 2 weeks returning March 12th.
I asked him if he called to find out out if the government would pay for my Pristiq because if I have to quit working this year instead of next year then I need to know that I won't have to worry about paying for them. He said no he didn't.  Its the 3rd or 4th time I asked him about it and I get the same answer.
I see him next Monday morning.


----------



## Daniel

> He doesn't understand that years of bullying made me suicidal.



Well, most people who have chronic suicidal thoughts do so as a habit, largely as a cognitive/behavioral/emotional avoidance strategy -- as with rumination in general.    Rumination is strongly associated with behavioral inhibition, the opposite of behavioral activation:



> “ruminative thinking”, which she describes as “the tendency to respond to distress by focusing on the causes and consequences of your problems, without moving into active problem-solving.”  To put it more plainly—and less appetizingly—ruminative thinkers chew on thoughts excessively, like a cow chewing its cud.
> 
> Eating, Drinking, Overthinking -- Book Review





> How Thinking Can Be Problematic Behavior
> 
> The process of ruminating keeps clients stuck in negative states and almost invariably results in disengagement from the environment. This assessment is consistent with the formulations of Lewinsohn (2001), who proposed that depression elicits a focus on the self that is repetitive but doesn't lead to problem solving. Clients can become caught in mental ruts, thinking, for example, "I feel down today—why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever beat this? This is just too hard." Such thoughts rarely have end points, they do not lead to effective problem solving, and the thoughts recur repeatedly. The consequence is *a self-perpetuating process that keeps the individual stuck in his or her thoughts, less likely to find a positive, active solution, and more likely to be disengaged from other activities*. Such sustained focus on internal feeling states may decrease any pleasure that can be derived from activities and may perpetuate depression by preventing goal attainment.
> 
> Source: _Behavioral Activation for Depression: A Clinician's Guide _


----------



## suewatters1

Yes but I was being bullied for a long time before I got the suicide thought.  I would cry a lot but I only started to get the suicide thoughts in 2007 briefly then stronger in 2008 and after that.
Also why would my DR question why I would get suicide thoughts because of the bullying I endured for the 28 years I have been there. I told him it's traumatic for me being forced to do job beyong my capabilities and there was nothing I could do about if I wanted to keep my job.

Sue


----------



## suewatters1

Well my bad behaviours are back. I have been mixing things again and I don't care as long as I am in good shape for tomorrow afternoon.
My Wednesday appoint is in the afternoon when they are usually close. Will call back tomorrow to comfirm it.

Sue


----------



## David Baxter PhD

suewatters1 said:


> Well my bad behaviours are back. I have been mixing things again and I don't care as long as I am in good shape for tomorrow afternoon.



You say these things as if you have no control. That's false. You do have control. You are choosing for your own reasons not to exercise that control.

Ask yourself these questions (don't answer here - think about it and be brutally honest with yourself): Why do you continue to engage in these self-destructive behaviors? Is it to prove to various other people how "sick" you are so that you can qualify for full disability benefits? Is it for attention? Is it because you don't feel people are taking your distress seriously enough?

Or is there some other reason?


----------



## suewatters1

The reason I am fed up with my life because of the BS I have endured.  I want to die because I am fed up with having a hard time to take care of myself when intrusion thoughts come up and I have a hard time to accept myself the way I am now the person with CIDP  I called the Hotline this morning after being put on hold for 5 minutes I hang up.
I had the best night sleep in a long time.  But I worry about handling going back to work and not having my DRS around to talk to.
I got an appointment this afternoon and two tomorrow and 1 Friday with my CMHA worker.  I am afraid to go back to work.  I am not sure I can handle the criticizem  from people at work or by my boss.  I just want to die but I won't right now but I have a plan so I am not worried about that.  it's just I don't want to use it unless I really have to.
The thing is I am AFRAID SCARED AND WANT TO DIE.

Sue

---------- Post added at 09:48 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:46 AM ----------

I haven't been getting a good night sleep in a while and I wanted that last night.  I was taking Seroquel but I had to stop that because of the side effects.

Sue

---------- Post added at 10:01 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 AM ----------

I do have full disability except for 2 meds that are not covered by ODSP but they are covered under my work plan.  I am just trying to get ahead financially so I am more prepared to go on full Disability.

Sue


----------



## suewatters1

I am having a bad morning where everything seem to much.
I should be calling. 911 or the Crisis Line but I am not in the mood to.  So I don't know what will happen to me today whether I will survive it or not. I think more sleep might help.

Thanks to everyone for all your help.

Sue

---------- Post added at 11:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:44 AM ----------

I am going to let the bullies win.  I can't fight them anymore I don't have the strength to fight them anymore.

Sue


----------



## Retired

> I am going to let the bullies win.



Sue,

You cannot allow the bahaviour of others to affect your life, beasue you have so many choices and so many options to take care of yourself.  The bad behaviour of others is not a valid reason to die.

I understand that when you feel in crisis with limited people available nearby to reach out to, it may feel hopeless.

You have been areound here long enough to understand this feeling of hopelessness wen in crisis is caused by distorted thinking, because you have only your own emotions to filter your otherwise sensible thinking.

That's why it is so important to call the crisis line now.

OK, so they were overworked the other day, but they may not be overworked this time.  They are all volunteers, and are doing the best they can, so give them another try.

Individuals, families or concerned friends can call 613-722-6914 or the toll free Mental Health Crisis Line at: 1-866-996-0991

Calls will be answered as quickly as possible. The average wait time is 2 minutes. You will not wait more than 10 minutes. The crisis line workers will offer support and, if required, can make a direct transfer to the Local Crisis Team.


Is this the number you have been calling?  In what geographical area are you located, if not in Ottawa?


I'd like you to call your doctor, or therapist of CMHA worker and promise to keep yourself safe until you call them.

*If you think you are about to carry out your plan, Sue, promise to call 911 and ask for help.*


----------



## suewatters1

Somebody from broocvr called the cops on me and I am at the ER. Til further notice.. bye for now

Sue


----------



## Retired

Take care of yourself, Sue and let the doctors provide you with the treatment and support you need at this time.

We will be looking forward to hearing about your progress.


----------



## suewatters1

I am in a psych ward till my. 72 hours are up.
 I should have said yesterday somwbody from Brockville called the coops.  I wasn't thinking. Straight.

Normally we are not allowed to use cell phones butI got permission to email my DR and up date and do a few other things.
David was it you that called the police?  I am not sure if I should thank you or not.  Still not thinking straight

Thanks everyone


----------



## suewatters1

I just wanted to mention I felt a need to have a drink earlier but I didn't have any.
Somebody mentioned in another post of mind that I must be relieve that I am alive.  I am not.  I am slowly making a plan in case of emergency.  I know intelectually it's wrong but it feels so right to me.
I am just tired of living of dealing with the struggles of everyday life.  I am having a harder time now then in the past of dealing with basic paper work that I could deal with better in the past.
I am just so so tired of it all.

Sue


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## Daniel

> I know intelectually it's wrong but it feels so right to me.



That's largely why insight is overrated (as opposed to experiential approaches such as mindfulness or behavior therapy).


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## suewatters1

I am not sure what you mean ( I have learning comprehension problem) I think I know what you mean but not sure.  All I know I wish I were dead.

Sue


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## Daniel

In other words, doing what is good for you in the long term -- especially when it is the opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment -- is the hard part.


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## suewatters1

Yes real hard 

Sue


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## Daniel

On the positive side, it gets easier with practice.  And once something becomes a habit, you have it made in the shade


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## suewatters1

Everything so hard right now.    I just want to give up


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## Daniel

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/28440-future-oriented-group-training-for-suicidal-patients.html

"The goal...is to help our patients  to make life livable and maybe even enjoyable again by realistically  focusing on what the future might have to offer."


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## suewatters1

I feel like crap.  I called my CMHA worker and left her a message that I wanted to die.  I also called my 2 DRS and left them roughly the same message.
I got too start working in 10 minutes and all I can think about is about how much I want to die.

Sue


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## Cat Dancer

Sue, how are you feeling now? Were you able to talk with someone who could help you? Please let us know how you are doing? Thinking of you.


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## suewatters1

I am feeling better.  I took 2 more muscle relaxation pills and some aspirin for a bad headache and I slept all day.  I just woke up.

Thanks

Sue


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