# Is this manic?



## stargazer (Jul 8, 2006)

Periodically I have experiences that I have come to associate with mania. However, I don't put much stock in my own self-analysis based on my own self-observation. And though my friends also cue me in to when they feel my behavior is "manic," my friends are not diagnosticians, and they're pretty much in the same ballpark as I'm in, when it comes to recognizing mental health conditions.

Specifically, I fairly frequently have an experience of being unusually hyped up, almost uncontrollably, and in that state I often become very scattered, losing focus on what it is I'm trying to do at the moment. My thoughts at those times tend not to focus on the moment, but rather I become "in my head," usually with euphoric ideas about good things that might happen. At those times there is an intense belief that the good things that might happen are, on some level, already happening. My perception begins to confuse fantasy with reality.

Usually, I can catch myself, take a breath, and "come down." But I wonder if what I am describing is really "mania," or if, in the years that have passed since my single documented manic episode, my impression as to what constitutes mania has become blurred.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 8, 2006)

That does sound like a pretty good description of hypomania, SG.


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## stargazer (Jul 8, 2006)

OK, then I'm probably tuned into the right frequency.


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## stargazer (Jul 8, 2006)

I meant to add: if I can get a handle on the difference between mania and hypomania, it would be helpful. I tend to think of "mania" as including psychotic symptoms not present in "hypomania," symptoms such as paranoia or an extreme level of delusion. Is this the case?

My friends, anyway, usually only use the word "mania," but that may be because the word "hypomania" is not so much a part of the common vocabulary. In any case, I would guess that what I've been describing is more hypomanic, than manic.


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## ddHopes (Aug 4, 2006)

Hello Sg, Pardon me for jumping in.........I am bipolar 1. I stay in a hypo or manic state most of the time. 

Hypo is pretty much what you describe as David had said. Mania for me anyway is an abundant amount of thinking, racing thoughts, very little need for sleep, taking on ventures that I shouldn't,and spending alot of money , rambling in speech. When it gets very bad, usually from lack of sleep :yikes:, (lack in diet and exercise add to this) I experience episodes of psychosis. I have auditory and visual hallucinations along with paranoia. This is an extreme episode tho. 

I try to journal my bipolar on a scale eachday 1-10. 

I have few episodes of depression but when I do they are horrific, since I am so used to the mania. 

Hypo for the bipolar 1 is almost a leveled out stage. It is very euphoric and full of grandiosity ( we think we know it all. :roll. 

I hope this helps from my perspective. Maybe you can relate to this? 
I am on trileptal and alprazolam, as stress is another big factor in setting off the mania. Trileptal helps combat aggitation and levels me out some. Most meds I've taken have taken away my personality all together, and made me numb. 

dd, 7


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## stargazer (Aug 4, 2006)

My diagnosis is also bipolar one--or at least it has been, when I was most recently diagnosed. I had one major manic episode including grandiosity, religiosity, paranoia, spending sprees, loss of interest in food and sleep, sexual binges, work binges, etc. That was a couple years ago. Since then I believe I've had hypomanic episodes, but nothing nearly as intense or damaging as the first manic episode. I also have had a couple depressive episodes, maybe three, but more commonly I'm hypomanic, and depressed relatively infrequently.

I'm coming out of a serious depressive episode now though, and starting to put it in perspective. I feel pretty good these days, only drained. I'm taking ten days for increased self-care and self-examination before going back to work. (I came to this decision earlier this evening.)


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## Halo (Aug 4, 2006)

> I'm taking ten days for increased self-care and self-examination before going back to work. (I came to this decision earlier this evening.)



SG, I think that what you said is a great idea and self-care is never a bad thing...glad that you decided on that before returning to work.

Take care


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## ddHopes (Aug 4, 2006)

We sound alot alike in our mood changes. 

I'm new here, and didn't know about your dx. I am so glad you are out of your depression. , they are the pits for me. But I always say "This too shall pass" and it does, huh? 

I hope to get to know you better, and wish you all the luck in the world in your time off and healing after this. If nothing else I always try to look at the bright side of bipolar, the creative side. Do you write.......or enjoy any hobbies that you cling to in times of your mania? I have to stay busy and express my energy as postitively as I can........and when I want to spend, I garage sale it , when I'm able. 

Take good care, and hope to hear from you again. People here are so nice.


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## stargazer (Aug 4, 2006)

People here are very nice, yes, and welcome to the forums. Well, I'm a musician and I wrote a lot of music. Recently I wrote a musical play and there's a link to the web site on my signature. Some of my tunes are uploaded onto the site, although it may be taken down at any minute because I'm late with the fees. I also however will e-mail the script and audio files to anyone who's interested in that kind of thing and has some time on their hands. Otherwise, I write serious classical music and a lot of bad poetry.


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## ddHopes (Aug 4, 2006)

Oh Thank you! 

I'm gonna check it out. My husband is a musician too, but not classical, unless you consider classical rock? 

That is awesome, I can't wait to hear it. 
I knew you'd have a talent. 
Thanks again for sharing. 

Hope to talk to you soon. dd,6


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## stargazer (Aug 4, 2006)

Pretty sure it's still up, last I checked. I was going to pay the fees today, along with the $50 late fee, but then I lost my cell phone & it was a priority to replace it.


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## ddHopes (Aug 5, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> I lost my cell phone & it was a priority to replace it.



OH NO!!! I take it you called it??? that is a bummer :shocked:

Yes, it's still up and my I say you are a beautiful composer and pianist. I am so impressed. Thank you for sharing that, plus it relaxed me.  

dd, 6


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## stargazer (Aug 5, 2006)

Well, thank you for the compliment! That makes my day. I've been sitting here in an old haunt waiting for my old friend Bruce to show up, whom I haven't seen in two years, and who once told me, "There's something depressing about a guy who starts a creative project and never finishes it." I've been dying to show him that I finally finished it!

They say he still comes in (to this cafe) every day, but no one's seen him, and I've been here for about six hours now.

(Yes, I called the phone several times to endless ringing. Obviously, they stole it and are calling, but not answering.)


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## ddHopes (Aug 5, 2006)

Calling for Bruce

BRUCE WHERE ARE YOU?


I have to admit that is a peeve of mine. Waiting. I hope he shows up cause you have alot of really talented stuff to show him.

I'm proud of you for finishing it. I do that alot, start books and have brain lock. I have one I am most proud of , but it is a horror novel, and I suppose it's good cause it scares when I write it and I got running to bed. LOL.

Did you stop service on your phone? Or look it up online to get the calls made out from it? It shouldn't be hard to find the criminal thru your records online.

have a great night. I'm up watching "Ghost story". dd, 6


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## stargazer (Aug 5, 2006)

I don't think Metro PCS has an online service--these are cheap no-contract phones that give you the first month for free, so all that's going to happen is that whoever nabbed the phone will make a few more calls and then either have to pay or have the service cut off. When I went to the Metro dealer and bought the replacement phone, they agreed there's no point in pursuing it. (It's also flat rate, so no one's getting charged for minutes.)

I'm writing a novel now too, and I think what's best is just to finish a rough draft, even knowing parts of it might be far below your standard, and then slowly look at it and make adjustments. I might even finish the rough draft today, even though I know that a lot of it is going to change radically later, in some way as I don't know how.

Curious if Bruce happens to be out of town--they said he still comes in every single day, but hasn't been here either today or yesterday. Hmmm....I could leave my hard copy with him, and get a new one later I guess.


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## ddHopes (Aug 5, 2006)

:DWell I'm glad to hear about the phone. I really don't like thieves. 

Now you've inspired me. I have a draft and the first two chapters written and know how it will end and the plot, just having a hard time with filler. 

Thanks for writing back, always good to hear from ya. And yeah, maybe you could leave a draft, does he have internet? 

ttyl, dd7


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## stargazer (Aug 5, 2006)

I don't think Bruce uses the Internet, or at least he didn't last I heard. But I ran into a mutual friend, the lawyer John, who had me send the pdf files to his own e-mail. He said he would print it out & give it to Bruce next time he runs into him.

I thought things over, and decided to return to the cafe during the evening. Can't get enough of a good thing, I guess. Maybe Bruce will return at some point. No one seems to know where he is, for some reason. But I know he'll be teaching on Monday, so he's bound to come back soon. I might as well stick around for another day or so. 

This will give me time to work on the rest of the Flute Sonata--I need to get the 1st movement onto Finale & start working on the 3rd movement. Also, I might as well keep plugging through the rough draft of the novel.

My current plan is start dealing with reality by Tuesday.


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## ddHopes (Aug 6, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> My current plan is start dealing with reality by Tuesday.



Sounds like a plan. 


Sounds like you're doing a good job now, but if you mean inthe 3-D world off the internet, I understand that. And if we don't get a chance to talk for awhile I will know you are working hard on you ,and that is what is important to all of us, I'm sure. 
I needed to start yesterday :lol:

I wish you all the luck in the world. Enjoy life, and enjoy being you.
 :goodjob:
dd, 5


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## stargazer (Aug 6, 2006)

Guess who finally came in? Bruce! (As I live and breathe.) So I was able to finally know the gratification of presenting him with the completed script & score. He also listened to one of my songs with headphones and I believe he realizes that I have produced a decent product.

We talked a little about the bipolar. He said everyone could tell I was totally disoriented last time I was here, in May of 2004, though they didn't know the diagnosis. That's why the owner had wanted to drive me to SF General, and I got scared and ran out. He also confirmed for me that the types of things I was saying and doing at the time bore no relationship whatsoever to the reality around me.

Pretty scary stuff. I'm still trying to figure out what triggered it, and he suspects it had something to do with my Mom dying, which I guess must be the case. Even now, while somewhat depressed, I am thankful that I'm not like I was then.

So it's nice to be back, however temporarily, because everyone is validating for me that I am better now.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 6, 2006)

That's a great validation of how far you've come, SG, even if you have had more than your share of setbacks along the way.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 6, 2006)

ddHopes  said:
			
		

> I have one I am most proud of , but it is a horror novel, and I suppose it's good cause it scares when I write it and I got running to bed. LOL.



Lol - Its got to be good then!!


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 6, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> Guess who finally came in? Bruce! (As I live and breathe.) So I was able to finally know the gratification of presenting him with the completed script & score. He also listened to one of my songs with headphones and I believe he realizes that I have produced a decent product.
> 
> We talked a little about the bipolar. He said everyone could tell I was totally disoriented last time I was here, in May of 2004, though they didn't know the diagnosis. That's why the owner had wanted to drive me to SF General, and I got scared and ran out. He also confirmed for me that the types of things I was saying and doing at the time bore no relationship whatsoever to the reality around me.
> 
> ...



SG - I'm so glad that you are getting this feed back from the people who know you, espeshially about your music. It really is great to hear!


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## ddHopes (Aug 6, 2006)

stargazer  said:
			
		

> Guess who finally came in? Bruce! (As I live and breathe.) So I was able to finally know the gratification of presenting him with the completed script & score. He also listened to one of my songs with headphones and I believe he realizes that I have produced a decent product.
> 
> We talked a little about the bipolar. He said everyone could tell I was totally disoriented last time I was here, in May of 2004, though they didn't know the diagnosis. That's why the owner had wanted to drive me to SF General, and I got scared and ran out. He also confirmed for me that the types of things I was saying and doing at the time bore no relationship whatsoever to the reality around me.
> 
> ...



Awesome!!!! Isn't it a great feeling to have your work thumbs upped? I don't mean to say I told ya so................. But you are wonderful at what you do. 

I'm so glad he finally came in too. 'Bet it was good to see an ol' friend. 

My goodness SG, Losing your Mother would do that to anyone. I'm sure the stress and grief was horrible for you. 
I wish you sooooooooooo much luck in your continued healing, and composing. 
dd, 4( my mood level today for those who don't know)


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## ThatLady (Aug 6, 2006)

I'm glad to hear Bruce showed up before you had to leave. It's always good to get together with old friends, even if the last time you saw them you weren't at your best. If that is the case, it's good to have someone who knew you then to assure you that you've progressed.


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## stargazer (Aug 6, 2006)

ddHopes  said:
			
		

> dd, 4 (my mood level today for those who don't know)



I probably ought to do that--it's a scale of 1-10, I assume, but with 1 being what? The most depressed? 10 the most manic? If that's the case, I imagine 4 would be a pretty good reading.

Am working on the 1st movement, it's coming long. I've got the first 36 measures scored and am about to go into a repeat. Also sent a detailed e-mail of explanation to Stan, my old theory-comp professor from the Conservatory where I once studied under him. He always receives my work, and I thought I better let him in on what's happening. 

The novel's a different beast altogether. It's up to 59 pages but the concept hasn't clarified for me yet. Not all that into it, really.

I haven't left the cafe since this morning, except to step out front to take breaks. Sure is nice and cool and breezy in San Francisco, and somehow pleasant in the cafe. Depression only strikes when I think about reality, as in where am I going to sleep tonight. 

I guess if I stopped to check in, I'd probably be around a "3" with "0" being the most depressed and "10" the most manic.


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## ddHopes (Aug 6, 2006)

Sg, You got the scale right, I've posted it , I think it was moved to introductions (Newbie). But yes, 1-10, 1 severely depressed, with suicidal ideation and 10 manic, I am slowly declining from 8 to 4 this week, 5 is normal, 7 hypo, You get the drift. I helps me keep myself in check with my posts too. You'll never see me post a 1 or 10 cuz I'll be too...............ya know......... 

Yeah, my book is hard to write, but it's a challenge, but not a priority right now. I may someday regret it,..........I think what if it's the next best seller :study: and I could be living in Hawaii in a hamoc. LOL. 

Reality.... we all have our own views on reality. We'll have to get together on that sometime and compare notes. Okay the reason I say this is that during my psychosis, reality is nonexistant, vs. everyday mania. etc. So my concept on reality is okay like. I'm here sitting at a computer writing to someone Ive never met, tho unrealistic it is now reality. But when I hallucinate that is not reality. AT ALL> DUDE. 

I enjoy our conversations very much. You seem to be a very insightful and knowledgable person. I hope we keep in touch here. 

Again enjoy being you. It's a good thang. 

dd, 4


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## stargazer (Aug 6, 2006)

I guess what I meant by "reality" in this context is just the practical realm: how to eat, where to sleep, how to get from Point A to Point B, etc. I still haven't figured out where I'm going to crash tonight, and it's like 8:45pm already out here in California, so I'm starting to get a little anxious. When I'm working on the flute sonata, I'm zoned into the process, so I temporarily forget about reality, which I suppose is healthy (to the extent that it's keeping me from being too anxious.)

Otherwise, I suppose it's all relative. I believe in an objective reality, actually, but that's only my philosophy. It figures into my musical and all. But the nature of the objective reality is never clearly stated, it's only postulated that there is one, and that delusions of various sorts limit our ability to see it.


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## ddHopes (Aug 7, 2006)

So so very true. 

dd, 4


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## Into The Light (Aug 7, 2006)

hi sg i just wanted to say how happy i am for you that bruce showed up. it must be a great feeling to finally show him what you have accomplished!


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## ddHopes (Aug 7, 2006)

^^Phoenix^^  said:
			
		

> ddHopes  said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I always write around Halloween when the mood is set, and then I light candles and really make it scarey in here. The book is based on two entities( both of whom died during the civil war), so when I write the parts of their mischief it is quite scarey.  :yikes: yes.
dd,3


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## stargazer (Aug 7, 2006)

Interesting. I don't have a Halloween connection, but I do relate to the Full Moon. In fact, customers of a certain cafe in the Central Valley claim that I used to always show up on the Full Moon. I think the actual fact was that I would always get paid on the 25th of the month in early 2005, and for a while the Full Moon figured in at around that time. So after I got paid, I'd voyage over to the cafe and spend a buck or two. They figured I was crazed because of the Full Moon, and I would always respond: "In my line of work, we get *PAID* on the Full Moon." This made them think I was even more crazy than they'd already suspected.


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## ddHopes (Aug 7, 2006)

Goodday, I get really inspired around fall and Halloween with all the horror movies and such. 

I do believe there is a definate connection between the moon and our moods tho. Esp. women. 

Here are some stories based on that. 
http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/Can_mood_swings_be_connected_to_the_moon_phases

dd,3


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## Halo (Aug 7, 2006)

Hi DD

I read most of the article which you posted and was very intrigued that there were so many different responses. Many people believe that the phases of the moon directly affect their mood while many believe that it doesn't. Personally I have never thought of the moon at all as to whether it affects my moods.....I guess there is a little food for thought?

Thanks for post...it was very interesting.


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## ddHopes (Aug 8, 2006)

HI, I'm glad you enjoyed that. I know for certain that I am a beast  on a half moon, but when I worked in the hospitals and nursing homes. We had what we called full moon madness, meaning it was soooo chaotic. 

I wish I could find some scientific proof, but if the moon can cause tidal waves, imagine what it can do our brain waves. And again a women's cycle ( sorry guys) goes with it too. 

I was told once they got the word lunatic from lunar. Not that anyone here is a lunatic. lol. oh my no.


> A lunatic (colloquially: "loony") is commonly used term for a person who is mentally ill, dangerous, foolish or unpredictable, a condition once called lunacy.
> 
> The word is borrowed via French from Latin "lunaticus", which gains its stem from "luna" for moon, which denotes the traditional link made in folklore between madness and the phases of the moon. This probably refers to the symptoms of cyclic mood disorders such as bipolar disorder or cyclothymia, the symptoms of which may also go through phases. As yet there is little evidence for any causal link between phases of the moon and the progression of mood disorder symptoms.
> 
> In a 1999 paper, Raison et al. put forward the interesting hypothesis that the phase of the moon may in the past have had an effect on bipolar patients by providing light during nights which would otherwise have been dark, and affecting susceptible patients through the well-known route of sleep deprivation. With the introduction of electric light, this effect would have gone away, as light would be available every night, explaining the negative results of modern studies. They suggest ways in which this hypothesis might be tested.


....more....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lunatic

dd,3


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## ddHopes (Aug 8, 2006)

I found this too:



> Lunar Effect?
> Q. My 7-year-old son is bipolar and has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). He is being treated with medications that really seem to work well for him. But during the time of the full moon it's like he is a totally different child and sometimes is out of control.
> 
> Once the full moon has past (about three days after), he is back to being controlled. I was wondering if the full moon has any effects on moods? Is there any research about this phenomenon? Are children more prone to this effect?
> ...


Resouce: http://www.mhsource.com/expert/exp1010504e.html

It appears to play a bigger role from what I am reading to cyclic disorders more than any...hmmmm. Inter-resting :study:


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 8, 2006)

It is interesting but I must say that I've yet to see any convincing evidence that mood or mental illness has any real relationship with lunar cycle, beyond coincidence.


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## ddHopes (Aug 8, 2006)

David Baxter  said:
			
		

> It is interesting but I must say that I've yet to see any convincing evidence that mood or mental illness has any real relationship with lunar cycle, beyond coincidence.



True, coincidence and trying to rationalize our behaviors based on natural causes. I agree. If we could only ask the moon. 8)

dd.3


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## stargazer (Aug 8, 2006)

Shoot for the moon, that's my motto! Seriously though, I have never noticed any connection between my mood swings and the moon.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 9, 2006)

I have never noticed a connection, apart from when I _notice _that there is a full moon, I can get wistful and romantic!! Lol, probably more because of pop culture and the full moon being a romantic symbol than anything. But still fun. I like it when the full moon is HUGE to. It takes my breath away.


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## ddHopes (Aug 9, 2006)

I love blue moons 



and red full moons. 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




dd,2

What is the moon tonight anyone know? Should I dryclean my werewolf outfit?


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 9, 2006)

Last night was a huge full moon, harvest moon style almost, here in the Ottawa valley...


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## ddHopes (Aug 9, 2006)

Thank David, Okay now i"m just of the heck of it gonna do a mood scale based on the moon. Full moon depressed. lets' see what happens on a half moon, since I don't keep track.  

dd.1 1/2


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 9, 2006)

dd! I'm numberly challanged (like my new word? ) this is gonna get complicated! is the secong number the moon phase?


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## stargazer (Aug 9, 2006)

If I may venture a guess, I think dd simply means that her level of depression vs. mania on a scale on 1 to 10 is 1.5 today. Or did I miss a humorous venture? In any event, I can also relate to the romantic experience around the full moon. I do believe that the full moon definitely enhances romantic feelings.


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## ddHopes (Aug 9, 2006)

phoenix and Sg, yes, it is 1.5 on my bipolar scale.


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## stargazer (Aug 9, 2006)

6.0 -- when I get a good night's sleep the mania will likely reduce. Heavily sleep-deprived, on the waiting list at the shelter, still haven't gotten a bed.

Didn't sleep that well at my daughter's place last night because I awoke in the middle of the night with one of the kid's tunes from camp running through my head, thus triggering an emotion regarding the loss of that recent pleasant gig. The emotion, whatever it was, was such that it didn't translate to getting back to sleep. So I got about four hours of sleep at the most, and am starting to feel fried, especially considering I only slept one hour the night before last, in Golden Gate Park of all places. 

I am sure that once I get a good night's sleep, my level of mania will reduce, as I have noticed how essential regular sleep is in enabling me to settle down and deal more effectively with stress. Also, the "lunacy" that occurs when sleep-deprived can translate into a kind of wackiness that seems to have a markedly manic flavor. Of course, these are all subjective perceptions of mine, and I'm not sure how much of them are strictly specific to my own peculiar self, and how universal they might be.

If you can relate, let me know.


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## stargazer (Aug 9, 2006)

I meant, one hour the night before _the night before_ last. The night before last I had a motel room and actually slept really well, and felt un-stressed and fairly productive and relaxed all day yesterday. Today's been hell, I can barely even think straight. I just totally need sleep.


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## Daniel (Aug 9, 2006)

Yeah, we would all be very different people if we didn't get enough sleep. Nietzsche said the lowest point (the "abyss") of our existence was like being awake at 3 am in the morning.   

Certainly, I would think that it's easier to find a place to nap than to sleep. When I worked in downtown Miami, I would nap in the employee lounge during my lunchbreak. Meanwhile, the homeless people were napping in the downtown library. It was like we were all having a siesta every afternoon.


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## stargazer (Aug 9, 2006)

That's a good point. If I could find some kind of all-night coffee shop or something like a Denny's restaurant, I could probably get by for a while by taking a lengthy nap somewhere in the afternoon and staying up all night in the restaurant. I'd be less uncomfortable napping in a park in the afternoon than trying to do so at night time. But my situation's getting desperate, although I'm resisting the "feeling" of desperation. It just kind of sucks. I'd give anything just to have a bed to lie down in right now, and maybe sleep solidly for eight or nine hours. The sleep deprivation is making it hard for me to focus, even on finding a place to sleep.


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## Daniel (Aug 9, 2006)

If you are in Berkeley, what shelters have you already called?  I saw this shelter listed online but have no idea if they have any room:

CityTeam Ministries (offers shelter, meals, clothing, etc)


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## Daniel (Aug 9, 2006)

Another link that may or may not be relevant:

Berekely Homeless Survival Guide (lists shelters and other resources)

UPDATE: I just read in your other thread that it seems you will be staying at a shelter for 30 days but they didn't have a place for you today.


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## stargazer (Aug 10, 2006)

Daniel, thanks for your concern. Yes, in my thread in the Members Only section I mentioned I'm on the waiting list for a 30-day stay in a men's shelter. I think it's likely I get the room tomorrow, so posts I've made today have largely been based around anxiety as to where I'm going to sleep *tonight.* It's possible that I might not have the room by tomorrow either, but unlikely.

I am still in that anxiety & still trying to work something out. I will check out the links you sent for future reference, however. I think one of them might pertain to the avenue I've already been pursuing.


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## ddHopes (Aug 10, 2006)

Sg, not to pry but do you have other family in the area that you could stay with til you got on your feet.?

You need some sleep hon. I start to get paranoid and see and hear things with out sleep and food. 

I am praying for you.  dd,2


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 10, 2006)

Hi SG

I don't have any information that I can offer you for help. I wish I did, but I just wanted to post and tell you that I'm sorry that this is all happening again, you are in my thoughts - I'm 'willing' things to change for you. 

Take care.


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## stargazer (Aug 10, 2006)

ddHopes  said:
			
		

> Sg, not to pry but do you have other family in the area that you could stay with til you got on your feet? You need some sleep hon. I start to get paranoid and see and hear things with out sleep and food. I am praying for you.




You have it right on, dd. Sleep deprivation is the psychic killer. Well, my brother and my daughter both live here in Berkeley, but my brother lives in a small house with his wife, and long ago they converted their guest room into a work space for their home businesses. The last time I spent a night there was in 1987, and he has specified that it's unfortunately not possible at this time.

My sister lives a little further South, is disabled and has care workers coming in and out--she also lives in a very small house, and I am sure I would be in the way. Anyway, she's also said it's not possible. I am not going to stay with my daughter anymore after last night, for various reasons. It will be good if a bed opens up tonight at the shelter. I should find out in a few hours.

Thanks for your prayers.

sg 1 1/2


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## ddHopes (Aug 10, 2006)

SG< I know you know best.........My continued prayers. I've been there, I stayed at a safe house or a self help center for abused women for almost a year, and they were awesome, helped me get a job, and relocated me here ......and the rest is hx. I hope your dreams come true, and you get out of the heat and food in your tummy. 

Prayers in friendship, dd, 3< hey I'm climbing again, yah!!!!!!!! screw that depression. fight fight fight. right?  
((((((hugs))))))))


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Aug 10, 2006)

ddHopes  said:
			
		

> fight fight fight. right? [/font]


Right! Good to see you climbing dd.


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## stargazer (Aug 10, 2006)

Yes. There's something right about starting at the bottom when you are, in fact, at the bottom. It's good that the system has resources for people needing to make a fresh start in life, and it will also show my brother and sister and daughter that I am taking responsibility for myself, and no longer trying to lean on them. 

Anyway, I called the shelter & they said to call back at 11:30am. I won't be able to appear in person because my priest from Lodi is coming by the cafe with some cash for me. Then I need to find a Goodwill, get a change of clothes, and find a laundry. 

I've been in the same spot in the cafe for several days now composing music, and I just finished the 1st movement of my flute sonata. I was at an impasse last night, and when I looked at it this morning, it magically all came together. So I sent both first and second movements to my theory-comp professor. He's computer-illiterate though, so I had to send them to an pianist who lives in the same town, so he could print them out and drive them over.

I'm still at about 1 1/2. My mood hasn't changed. I slept pretty well at my daughter's house and am relaxed. Musical theatre is repugnant to me right now--not sure if I mentioned I awoke the night before last at around 3am with the song "I'm Not That Girl" from _Wicked_ running through my head. I usually love that music, but because we used it at the camp, it was depressing me to hear it, and I couldn't get it to stop playing in my head. And I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally got up at around 5:30am, grossly underslept. But last night I slept well, and slept in till 7:30am.

The reason why I dove into my classical composition was to help me not have to think about musical theatre, and so not have to face the depression that happens when I think about that genre, which I am presently associating with the job loss. 

If anyone wants to hear my flute sonata, I'll send it to you. I can mp3 it for you, or if you don't have Broadband, there's a free download you can perform that will open and play the music notation file, not requiring a high speed connection.


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## ddHopes (Aug 15, 2006)

Sg, I'm so sorry I haven't written, You sure sound like you have "a plan" and I pray that it works out for you. 

I've been there hon. Literally. I lived in an alley tho. I was 19. I finally found a shelter for battered women and they took me in and fed me, helped me get clothes and finally a job. I couldn't afford a uniform so they let me wear jeans, and took my cab fair out of my first months checks, then I saved up for 3 mo and found an apt of my own in my old hometown and relocated to the shelter there and here I am years later. It will happen. 

Our moods are about the same aren't they right now? I was coming up, but keep bumping down. 

Oh the old earworm,( the everrunning songs in our sleep), that is something we should talk about too. 
I have them all the time when I am depressed. When I'm manic and try to sleep I dream the strangest things. Like getting up and getting ready to go somewhere and then have to do it all over again when I really wake up. eerrrrrrr I hate that. Shoot I'm exausted from the first time. 
Or not knowing if you dreamed things or they really happened??? That is what I am going thru now. But I'm not having manic dreams, I think I"m sleeping tooooo much, and my mind wants stimuli as it's over rested??? make sense. Just a theory. I have alot of self theories, as this disorder is wild, a really wild ride. I don't think it's something I'll ever figure out in this lifetime, but should really leave a journal for the next generation. Maybe there is something that can help someone. ......not that they probably don't already have it figured out. 

But anyway , back to you. 
Are you climbing at all yet? Mood wise?? 

my thoughts are with you and I have hope for your situation everyday. 

Take good care of you. dd, 2


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## stargazer (Aug 16, 2006)

I'm probably at about a 4 or 5. I've been pretty level lately. There's info about recent events on my other thread in the Members Only section, but basically I'm back in Lodi, and it feels right to be here. I've already been given a 10-day supply of depakote, though I had to go through Crisis to get it, and I've got a doctor's appointment on Friday. So I can get a more lasting prescription then. I'm staying in the shelter at the Salvation Army, and it's much nicer than the place was in Berkeley. I'm sleeping reasonably well, and I feel pretty good. I don't think the depakote has taken effect yet (I've only taken it for 3 days) but my circumstances show enough hints of potential stability, that I'm feeling much better about life than I was earlier. And, of course, I am no longer heavily sleep-deprived, which had been making it extremely difficult to focus.


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## ddHopes (Aug 16, 2006)

I'm so happy you got your meds and the shelter. It's a start hon. 

My hands are together for you daily. 

I think I might have an iron def. and that is contributing to my lathargy. 

Ttys, (((hugs))), 

dd, 3


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## stargazer (Aug 16, 2006)

An iron deficiency can definitely contribute to lethargy. Perhaps invest in an iron supplement?


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## ThatLady (Aug 16, 2006)

Have that suspected iron deficiency checked out, ddHopes. There are a number of kinds of anemia, all of which will cause lethargy. There's also the possibility of a deficiency (or the body's misuse) of vitamin B12, amongst other possible causes. A thorough blood test that includes these things will help to pinpoint what physical problems might be causing your tiredness and lack of initiative.


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## ddHopes (Aug 16, 2006)

Thank you both. I did some research on it today. I was anemic as a child and had to take b12 shots alot, feel this had something to do with my mental developement too. 

I'm soooooo tired, and sleep constantly, I have an appt with a neuro the 25 th for a full work up and MRI and cat. 

My husband is heading to the store to pick up some b12 supp. and tuna, and spinach, :eww:

This is probably why I feel so low on my scale too, cuz I have no crying or ideations going on, just wanna sleep. I slept 12 hours last night and been up 2 hours and am going back to bed, ............hopefully tty when I awake, if I ever do. 

dd. ?????


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## ThatLady (Aug 16, 2006)

Trying a B-12 supplement isn't a bad idea, but it would be a lot better to get the situation evaluated by a doctor so that you're able to properly target the correct way to return your system to normal. I'm sure the neurologist, or a nutritionist, will be able to help you with that, or to direct you to someone who can. Like I said, there can be a number of causes for the symptoms you mention, and some can co-exist.


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## ddHopes (Aug 16, 2006)

I am wondering that too, I had gallbladder surgery in Feb,and my absorption may be awhack. 

I will take your advice hon, thank you for caring. 

off to bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ ( we need a sleepy smiley)


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## Halo (Aug 17, 2006)

There are more smileys and especially a sleepy smile if you hit the [more] button which is right beside the other smileys that you see at the top of your reply. If you hit the [more] button than I am sure you will find a sleepy smiley along with a lot of others to use.


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## ddHopes (Aug 17, 2006)

:zzz: O there he is.......thanks. :red:


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