# Tired and can't sleep



## Cat Dancer (Feb 11, 2007)

Well, actually I don't want to sleep. Why can't I just choose one area of my life to take care of and actually do it, like eat right or try to make my sleeping better or stop hurting myself? Instead I seem to just be punishing and self-destructive. But maybe that's the whole point? I want to punish myself. How do I STOP wanting to do that? I want to stop wanting that. I keep saying that, but I'm not working toward it, or if I am, it is SO slow. SOOO slow. I can't/won't give up though. I just won't. I'm too stubborn. I wish I could use being stubborn to make myself stop these things. 

I don't know what I'm even talking about.  It's been a day I wish I could do over and I'm tired and regretful and it's gone. So I have to say to myself, keep going, keep trying and GET SOME SLEEP. LOL.


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## Halo (Feb 11, 2007)

> It's been a day I wish I could do over



That's the thing Janet, you can never do any day over again but you can look forward to the next one in the hopes of a better day to come.

Take care and try to get some sleep so a better bright day can come tomorrow.
:hug: :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 11, 2007)

Thanks, Nancy. Hee hee. I like your saying.  It is true. Today is the day, or this moment is the moment to live in, since it's night. LOL. 

I know what you mean by it being hard. It is hard. I tell myself "OLd past, let go of me," or "OUT, damn spot." Or something. LOL. I want to live in the moment.  Thanks for your post.


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## Halo (Feb 11, 2007)

Janet, as you will see I have edited my post above to take out the favorite saying part because I just wasn't sure that it was appropriate to leave in the post (being 2 a.m. my judgment is slightly off  ).  I am glad that you liked it and that you got a chance to see it before I took it out and understood what I was saying  

Live for Today was the meaning behind my post


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## texasgirl (Feb 11, 2007)

Well yall, if it's any consolation, I am up in the middle of the night and can't sleep.  But the best part is that I didn't even catch that there was something missing from your post!    

Oh well, carpe nocte (please forgive my crummy latin).

Janet, I hope tomorrow is better for you -   Take care!

TG


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 11, 2007)

Agh. Looks like we all had a long night. :hug:

I hope today and tonight are better. 

Thanks, texasgirl. I hope you sleep better tonight.

Nancy, LOL.   

Live for today sums it up.


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## Into The Light (Feb 11, 2007)

the thing about everything we do, all our habits, is that there is some kind of benefit or reward. without this, we wouldn't have these habits. i think this is why you don't want to stop, janet, because you are getting some sort of reward for punishing yourself. you know it's not good which is why you want to want to stop, but for now the "benefit" of doing it is outweighing any benefit of not doing it.

to change our habits we need to have some sort of immediate reward. the habit needs to be replaced by a different, healthier habit, and this different habit needs to be as rewarding, or more rewarding, than the current habit you are trying to change.

so i guess what i am trying to say is, try to figure out what it is that punishing yourself gives you, and then try to figure out how a different habit could help you instead. i hope this makes sense.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 11, 2007)

Good point. I think the reward is the instant relief from the anxiety. But it doesn't last at all and sometimes there is no relief, but it's what I know and until I can develop some constant coping skills that are healthier I seem stuck. Or if I don't do it one day, the self-punishing, skip a day, then the next time has to be twice as bad or three times as bad to make up for it. And I've tried so, so, so many things over the years to replace it and so far I haven't given it up. It's like a friend, but a monster at the same time. I guess it sounds strange.


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## Into The Light (Feb 11, 2007)

for me, i find that when i get anxious, a few things help (depending on what is making me anxious). if i am just anxious for no clear reason, exercise helps. to go for a jog helps work off that negative energy. if there's a problem that is making me anxious, what usually helps me is to sit down, write it out, and come up with possible solutions to the situation. or, doing a CBT mood log helps as well to reduce my anxiety. sometimes i don't feel like doing any of these things and prefer to stay stuck in how i am feeling, because of the perceived "work" that these options seem to be. that's when i need to just really make an effort and try anyway. i admit i don't always do this but when i do, it does help. the payoff for doing this anyway is that i do feel better. maybe you could try some of these the next time you need to relieve anxiety? you say the SI doesn't always work, but for my all these techniques always seem to help.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 11, 2007)

I think it's more than anxiety in a way. I think if I hurt myself enough I can keep the people I care about safe and if I don't hurt myself enough then something bad will happen to them. IF something bad happens, then it's because I was too easy on myself. If nothing bad happens, then I know I"m doing the right thing. 

I think this is why the normal things one would do don't really work for me. The thought is so strong that something bad WILL happen, that I get overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear. 

I KNOW this is distorted*ish* thinking, but to me it is very real and there is very real fear and terror behind these thoughts. It's a terrifying balancing act. 

So while it may sometimes serve to relieve anxiety, mostly it's a horrifying, magical way to have some control in my life, or THINK I have some control. 

I'm not sure if this even makes any sense.


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## Halo (Feb 11, 2007)

Janet, 

Actually I think you are making perfect sense.  I think I understand what you are saying which is that if you take all the hurt and pain (by hurting yourself) for everyone then nothing bad will happen to the ones that you love and if something bad does happen to your loved ones then you are not doing something right or hurting yourself enough. You would rather hurt yourself and cause yourself pain then to see your loved ones in pain.

I totally understand that however yes I think that it is definitely a distorted thought.  How can you control whether bad things are going to happen to others?  If you self harm or not and to the degree that you do will make no difference on whether bad things happen around you.  Bad things happen to everybody everyday and most of the time they probably have nothing to do with you other than they happen to be people that you care about.  You have no control over those things although you may think you have control and therefore need to self harm.  I can definitely understand what you are saying and how it feels so real to you but those thoughts are probably what you obsess about and that is part of the OCD. 

You will work through this Janet, I know you will :hug:

Take care
:hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 12, 2007)

I hope I can work through this. It seems it goes around and around and I end up right back at the start of it so confused. 

It IS tormenting.


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## Into The Light (Feb 12, 2007)

there are some things in life we have control over and other things we don't. we all have a need to have a sense of control. i know when i felt like i had no control over anything it was very difficult for me, because it caused a sense of hopelessness.

i think you probably have to learn to differentiate between what you can and what you can't control. i know that's not easy, particularly because those feelings you have are so incredibly powerful. but as nancy says, your self-harming cannot change what happens to other people, good or bad. it is indeed magical thinking.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 12, 2007)

ladybug said:


> i think you probably have to learn to differentiate between what you can and what you can't control. i know that's not easy, particularly because those feelings you have are so incredibly powerful. but as nancy says, your self-harming cannot change what happens to other people, good or bad. it is indeed magical thinking.



Sometimes I realize this. I was trying to explain something to my husband today about something bad that happened, how it was my fault. Normally, he agrees with me, but today he said, "Do you even realize how ridiculous that sounds?" 

I KNOW logically, but it FEELS so real. I guess feelings are fickle and fool us sometimes. It's going to be a constant struggle. 

I did get something today to help me sleep, so maybe my mind can rest some.


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## Halo (Feb 12, 2007)

> It's going to be a constant struggle



I don't necessarily think that it is going to be a constant struggle but I do think that it is going to take some hard work in therapy to learn to challenge those distorted thoughts and feelings but I definitely think that it can be done and it will not be a lifelong struggle.  Patience, hard work and time are the keys.

I believe that it will happen Janet, I truly do 

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Into The Light (Feb 12, 2007)

> I KNOW logically, but it FEELS so real.



when you look at the ten twisted forms of thinking, this falls under the category of emotional reasoning. i think many of us fall for this one quite easily. but try to remember, just because you feel something, doesn't mean that it's true.

my therapist had this sign up in his office that i found curious the first time i saw it, but since then have learned to really appreciate. it said: "don't believe everything you think."

i think that one should go under quotable quotes


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 19, 2007)

ladybug said:


> my therapist had this sign up in his office that i found curious the first time i saw it, but since then have learned to really appreciate. it said: "don't believe everything you think."
> 
> i think that one should go under quotable quotes




That is a good thing to remember. I am going too fast I think or wanting to go too fast and getting all mixed up about the thoughts and feelings and being SO SO angry at myself for not getting all of this right. Not understanding things. 

I am still struggling with sleep issues. I don't want to sleep because I'm having flashbacks as I'm falling asleep and then I startle awake not knowing where I'm at and feeling so anxious and sick inside. So I'm avoiding sleeping as much as I can. 

But I think it's really causing a lot of harm to me because I feel so foggy and disoriented. And it all just goes around and around like some crazy merry-go-round you can't get off of.


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## Into The Light (Feb 19, 2007)

janet, are you taking any medication to help you sleep? the medication i was given worked really well for me, in fact, what i would do sometimes is take it and stay up, and very often i'd hit a point where i could barely keep my eyes open. you could try that and then as soon as you lie down you're off to sleep. i also found that i didn't remember my dreams as it was such a deep sleep. just a thought. :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 19, 2007)

Yes, I take an anti-anxiety medication right before bedtime and another medication for sleep and they just don't seem to be helping. I am having trouble falling asleep again and also waking up in the night.


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## Into The Light (Feb 19, 2007)

maybe you should talk to your doctor about that. maybe he can prescribe something else that works better for you.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 19, 2007)

I will when I see him next week.  I am just tired and weary and sad.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 20, 2007)

Ugh, I slept a little bit, but am up now wide awake. 

I took the klonopin (.5mg, supposed to be 1 mg, but I can't handle that much) a few hours ago and Vistaril (25 mg) which was prescribed for sleep which I think is an antihistamine, but also for anxiety? What I'm wondering is if I'm having some kind of reverse reaction to it like I do with Benadryl? It makes me feel hyper and weepy and panicked like I have to get away from myself. That's kind of how I'm feeling. 

This medication thing is getting complicated. Why can't I just be a cat and sleep most of the time anyway?


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## texasgirl (Feb 20, 2007)

Janet:  I would definitely call your doctor and tell him that you have a reverse reaction to benadryl.  As I recall Vistaril is an antihistamine and it may be part of your sleep issues.  See if there isn't something else he can give you.  :hug: 

TG


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## sister-ray (Feb 20, 2007)

Janet said:


> Why can't I just be a cat and sleep most of the time anyway?



That would be so good, i sometimes look at my budgies they sleep on one leg with their heads in their wings and just go of to sleep instantly it would be good to sleep like that. My sleep pattern is all over the place going from sleeping too much, to be wide awake to sleeping in the day, or just nodding off at strange times, it would be good to just go to bed at night, sleep and awake refreshed in the morning  I hope you get the medications sorted out:hug: :hug:


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 20, 2007)

Vistaril is listed as a sedative-hypnotic but it does apparently act in part on the histamine system. It is also said to have some anxiolytic (anti-anxiety) properties.

Nervous system agitation-excitement is not listed among the side-effects (indeed the major concern seems to be the opposite - over-sedation).

It's always possible for any individual to have an atypical reaction to a medication. While it doesn't seem likely that Vistaril is causing it, you definitely should report this to your doctor.


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## ThatLady (Feb 21, 2007)

I've always envied cats their lifestyle, too, Janet. Must be nice to have someone feed you, clean up after you, serve as pillow or couch whenever you feel the need to lie down (which is pretty much all the time), sleep when you wish, eat when you wish, and generally do exactly what you wish, when you wish. That would be the life! I think it's why cats always look so darned smug! 

I'd let your doctor know of your symptoms. It really doesn't sound like Vistaril is the right thing for you. It's not often used, to my knowledge, as a sleeping aid. It's usually used to treat nasal allergies, or an adjunct to a pain-killer (like Demerol) because of its sedative effect. If you react eccentrically to Benadryl, it wouldn't be unusual for you to have an eccentric reaction to Vistaril, I don't think. Let your doctor know and see if he can prescribe something else. :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 22, 2007)

I see the doctor Monday. This is all getting worse, the sleeping. When I start to fall asleep I startle awake with the most horrible feeling that something awful is going to happen. So now I fear falling asleep. I hope we can get this straightened out as I believe getting good rest is essential to healing from everything else.


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## Halo (Feb 22, 2007)

> I hope we can get this straightened out as I believe getting good rest is essential to healing from everything else.



I think you are absolutely right in that getting the necessary rest is required to heal and I too hope that you can get the medication issue straightened out so that a peaceful night's rest is in your future, soon.

Take care
:hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 23, 2007)

I am getting so discouraged about this whole thing. I am taking the medications faithfully. I do think the vistaril seems to have some sort of opposite effect on me because I was up until about 3 last night. I feel like my mind and body are separate which makes me feel reckless and dangerous to myself. Like nothing matters. 

Maybe I'm not meant to sleep more than 3 to 5 hours per night.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 23, 2007)

Did you call your doctor about this yet?


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 23, 2007)

No. I was supposed to have an appointment Monday.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 23, 2007)

Janet, as others have recommended, if you think you are having a problem with one of your medications, you should call your doctor or the pharmacist. You should not be waiting until your next scheduled appointment.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 23, 2007)

Ok. I'm sorry. I'm not a good advice taker.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 23, 2007)

Actually, it's not a life or death situation and I know the doctor probably has 100 other patients calling about who knows what. I don't see the point in calling. I guess the point is I shouldn't have posted about it over and over without doing anything about it and you're right. I won't do that again.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 23, 2007)

I'm not chastising you, Janet. I'm reminding you. You are having an unusual reaction which might be related to your medication. That is not a trivial thing and it is something you should "bother" your doctor about. That's not called "bothering" - it's called "collaborative medicine".


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 23, 2007)

Well, it's probably all made up in my head anyway, like the crazy thoughts. 

I've been in therapy for 8 months now and on medication for 3 months and it just seems like I don't FEEL better. Shouldn't a person start to feel better by now. 

At least before the therapy and medication I thought there could be hope to heal, but now that I'm trying it, I want to just give up because it doesn't seem to be helping. Or I"m failing. I guess I am failing the whole thing. Like everything else.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 23, 2007)

> I've been in therapy for 8 months now and on medication for 3 months and it just seems like I don't FEEL better. Shouldn't a person start to feel better by now.



You've also had several changes of medication in that time, Janet. In nay case, it will take as long as it takes. How long did it take for you to be unhappy and to get to the point where you started therapy? How long did you resist taking medication? Give it time.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 23, 2007)

I don't think I have any more time. Especially if it is going to take as long to get well as it took me to get here if that's what you're saying.

I've only been on two anti-depressant medications, Luvox and Prozac and then Klonopin was added and now the Vistaril.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 23, 2007)

> Especially if it is going to take as long to get well as it took me to get here if that's what you're saying.



No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it takes work and patience. You've experience a lot of trauma and abuse and damage in your life, and that can't be undone in a few months... especially when some of the abuse is ongoing.


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## braveheart (Feb 23, 2007)

It does take time, Janet. Honest. But it is worth it. :hug:


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## ThatLady (Feb 23, 2007)

Until you call your doctor and deal with the vistaril issue, Janet, you really don't know what's going on. You've got to get that straightened out first.


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## texasgirl (Feb 24, 2007)

I agree with TL, Janet.  I think you really should talk to the doctor.  Take care,

TG


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 25, 2007)

I definitely am going to try to voice my problems to the doctor. It's SO hard even going there much less trying to tell him what's going on even though he is very, very kind and listens to me. 

I took the maximum dose of sleeping stuff and klonopin a couple of hours ago and I am up wide awake. I feel so bad, not sleeping enough. It's like I'm in some kind of weird dream world. I think it's hurting me a lot. 

I will talk to the doctor, I will try SO hard.


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