# I want to keep my relationship strong



## BushCap (Jul 25, 2014)

Hello all, 

I'm new here, I've tried posting before looking for help but for whatever reason got my post removed. I was very discouraged but I dont have anyone else to talk to. 

My relationship with my fiancee has been full of lies. From the start I lied to her to try to make myself seem better, I lied about having prior girlfriend, about having had sex before, about smoking and having tried weed. In reality I was just a self-conscious 17 year old who didnt want to be a loser anymore. She was amazing, she made me smile no matter how much I got bullied or how much anyone else hated me. Now 3 years later she finally knows. I've had a porn problem during this time, and never told her, its always seemed like she was disgusted by it so I never thought it appropriate to say. I was scared to tell her, scared she'd hate me, but she found out, as I always knew she would. I was right to be scared, she was livid, but she claims her main source of anger is that I lied and told her I dont watch porn. We made it through that, but then the issue popped up again not long ago. I had started watching a few months after the initial incident and was more afraid than ever to come clean. She says its not a good excuse though... 

When she caught me on it this last time I broke and let out everything I had been hiding. Some things she was over-the-top happy to hear but others just made it worse. Shes extremely self-conscious, partly because when we first started talking her cousin wanted to get us apart, so she started flirting with me. Having never have someone show interest in me before I enjoyed the attention. Nothing came of it, just msn messages (none sexual) but she felt cheated on, and rightly so. 

We're going through a phase where shes almost convinced I want somebody else, which I dont. I love her, how could I not after everything shes done for me, but like I said shes made up her mind. She's even told me that maybe I need somebody on the side exclusively for sex, which isnt how I want things to be! She's told me to watch porn if I want to, and has told me to put it on while we're intimate if it helps, but I know better. She hates it, and she hates me for it. Again rightly so.

I dont want to watch it anymore, I want her to know how much I love her. I've been clean for the month, with the last time I watched being a day or two after she told me it was ok, but 3 days ago I got the urge and gave in, using the same excuse that she told me its ok to do... I didnt try to hide it and sure enough she caught me on it, I've told myself adamantly that today I wont do it, and that I'll keep going from there. Not that that makes what I've done any better...

I'm a soldier and currently working at a camp I had attended basic training at two years ago, we went through a rough patch and during that time I had gotten her a souvenir from a local engraving shop, and as a way to celebrate making it through all that I went and bought a nice engraved locked for our anniversary. Now she thinks I only got it because I had watched porn again...

I realize I have absolutely zero right to complain or feel anything about it after what I've put her through but thats really upset me...

Thank you all for listening and sorry if this is a little incoherent. I dont expect answers, I've just got no one to talk to other than her. I love her dearly, and as much as I've hurt her we're the best friends either of us have ever had, we've been through a lot of pain together and I dont want to ruin the best thing I've got going for me.


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## Peter (Jul 25, 2014)

Hello BushCap.

The problem with changing our self is to stay changed.
Before changing, we are at an attitude and behavior which we are familiar with. To change attitude and behavior moves us into unfamiliar way of being. It takes time for that unfamiliar to become familiar. Practice is the key. Many who practice change, use the one day at a time motto. If the day gets too long, maybe try one hour, or one minute at a time.

Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I know certain changes are very hard. They need to be worked on, and practiced, and practiced.
If nothing changes, you will most likely keep re-experiencing all the things that you have mentioned above, and worse.

If you are willing to go to any length, you can change. 
In most cases, all we need is to be _willing_, and the any _length bit_ all of a sudden becomes easy.
And if willingness seems to hard, try willing to be willing. 
I know that sounds crazy but for many people it works.

If for some reason you are unable to change on your own power (and many cannot), the usual thing a person does is to seek help and support. 
Usually the best supporters are those who have experienced similar issues to your own, and have changed and stayed changed. 
There are Self-help groups, and Twelve Step groups that deal with sexual issues. 
You can always seek professional help too.


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## PrincessX (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi Bushcap.

I like Peter's reply very much. It is evident that you aim to change. 

You might want to look at the following links discussing how watching porn relates to relationships:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201403/it-doesn-t-hurt-look-does-it

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sexandrelationships/porn.htm

Regards,

Princess x


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