# You Deplete Me: 10 Steps to End a Toxic Relationship



## David Baxter PhD

*You Deplete Me: 10 Steps to End a Toxic Relationship*
by Therese J. Borchard
Thursday February 3, 2011

"You complete me." You know that line, right ... from _Jerry McGuire_? It comes right before "You had me at hello" (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me a tad because we relationship-analyzers (some with the right initials after their names and some self-declared experts who can type) like to classify that type of dialog with a term known as "codependency." 



Ideally, you shouldn't need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right? My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That's why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling the way I do when I see a Tom Cruise movie: bad.

A relationship doesn't have to be romantic to fall into the "toxic" category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships qualify. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him is toxic. But if you follow these 10 steps, you can start to complete yourself, maybe even look into the mirror and say, "You had me at hello."

*1. Step out of denial*
Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters: Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with X? Do I WANT to spend time with X or do I feel like I have to? Do I feel sorry for X? Do I go to X looking for a response that I never get? Do I come away consistently disappointed by X's comments and behavior? Am I giving way more to the relationship than X? Do I even like X? I mean, if X were on a cruise and I didn't know her, would I walk up to her and want to be her friend/boyfriend based on her actions and interactions with others? *Go check out this questionnaire if you are still confused.*

*2. Keep a log of emotions*
One of *my depression busters* is to keep a record of things that make me feel bad. Consistently bad. I am not a fast learner. School was hard for me. So I have to perform the same mistake, oh, about 35 times before my brain gets the message that perhaps I am doing something wrong. The journalist in me then takes the case and begins gathering the facts. So if, after 35 tries, I suspect that having coffee with X makes me feel worse, not better, I will log my feelings immediately following our meeting. If I get two or more of "I feel like crap, like I am a weak and pathetic person," then I know that I'm enmeshed in a toxic relationship that I should consider tossing out.

*3. Identify the perks*
As I wrote in _*10 Steps to End an Affair*_, every relationship, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy again? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way, because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn't treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?

*4. Fill the hole*
Now that you've identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it's time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness. The other day, when I was attempting this very task, my friend Priscilla Warner listed not 5 or 10, but 18 ways she nourishes her soul, or attempts to complete herself so that she doesn't have to rely on others for that job. *Among her 18*: writing and making jewelry, retail therapy (like picking out the juiciest orange she can find), meditation CDs, hugging her dog, Mickey, listening to sad songs--to release the tears, calling up friends, and reminding herself that her sadness won't stay forever.

*5. Surround yourself with POSITIVE friends*
Lots of support and friends isn't going to cut it. *You need the right kind of friends*, i.e., those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who aren't enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

*6. Drop a note to yourself*
I got this idea from Howard Halpern's *How to Break Your Addiction to a Person*. One of his patients wrote memos to herself to cover those fragile moments when she knew she'd need reinforcement. She would compose a note, drop it in the mail, and then be pleasantly surprised to find a letter from her self saying something like: "Hey self! I know you don't feel like it right now, but you really should make some plans for the weekend before it's here, because I know you get down when you are sitting around the house alone. Call Carolyn. She'd love to hear from you." 

*7. Bribe yourself*
I know there are parenting experts that don't approve of this technique, but I say *nothing is more effective than bribing to get to a goal*. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour by the bay alone (no computer, phone, or iPod). If you have been able to utter that delicious word "no" a few times in a row, go celebrate by downloading a CD of your favorite musical artist from iTunes or splurging on the dark chocolate hiding in the freezer.

*8. Heal the shame*
For me, breaking free of toxic relationships *has led to a lot of inner-child work*. You know, when I sit the wounded little girl on my lap and let her tell her story. Because I'm a visual person, I facilitate this process with a pretty doll that Eric almost gave to Goodwill (like she needed any more trauma!). I ask her why she is scared and lonely and wanting the wrong kind of attention. "Because that's all I know," is usually her response, at which point I play with her hair and reassure her that relationships are supposed to make her feel better, not worse, and that the right kind of love is out there--in fact, she has already found it in so many of her relationships.

*9. Repeat affirmations*
The other day I used the bathroom at a friend's home and on the bathroom door were posted all kinds of affirmations like: "My Life is full of loveliness, passion, tenderness, surrender and flowing with DIVINE LOVE"; "My Life is full of play and humor and overflowing with RADIANT HEALTH"; "My Life is COURAGEOUS and FREE"; and "My Life is FULL OF MIRACLES." I came out of the bathroom and said, "Wow, I feel much better."

In her book, *Women, Sex, and Addiction*, Charlotte Davis Kasl writes, "Once the negative core beliefs have been exposed and challenged as false, you need to adopt positive, life-affirming beliefs. 'I am unlovable' becomes 'I can love and be loved, I am a sacred child of the Universe.' Feelings of hopelessness are counteracted by the new belief 'I have the power to change my life.' 'I am defective' slowly changes to 'I get to make mistakes and be loved.'

My affirmations these days are "I have a good heart" and "I mean well," especially when I get guilt trips about not giving more to a relationship.

*10. Allow some rest*
In *Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction*, Kelly McDaniel advises persons who have just broken off a toxic relationship to lay low, and avoid packing their day with too many activities. She writes:
_The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you've ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude._​


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## CarlaMarie

*You deplete me!*

The story of my life. I am drained, tired, and have been doing this for twenty years. I don't know how I fell for it. I thought I was falling for the perfect guy for me. I thought he was only joking when he said "women belong barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen". I was the perfect team player supporting him through college and his career so we could live "the dream" from state to state, job to job. Then kids it was still state to state job to job till I couldn't do it anymore. 

That's when it got bad. It is insanity. He loves me loves, loves me not. I said what about me. How is that love? Doesn't make sense. Relationships are so hard. I get so sad when he chooses the job over our family. I feel so powerless. All I can do is get stronger so I have more choices. I guess?


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## bloodwood

*Re: You deplete me!*

Hi CarlaMarie,
I had not seen this posting. You wrote it a couple of weeks ago but I had been thinking about you wondering how things were going when I ran into this post.
You sound so unhappy. Unhappy for a long time. I am sorry. It is toxic and hurting you. that usually means the kids feel it too. Has anything changed since you wrote this?
Peter


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## CarlaMarie

Thanks for asking. I'm sure it isn't easy on my children. It is the legacy we leave. I am doing my best. So is he. My children have it better than we had it. We are better.

I am grateful for the therapist we have. My husband is on hiatus. He is "busy". So has not got to the work he needs to do in order to get back to couple therapy. Our therapist continues to follow-up with him. Meanwhile I am practicing self care. My job right now is to practice protecting my boundaries. Focus on me.

So I am and it is hard when my life has centered around him and the kids for so long. Right now I am changing my antidepressant so I can feel better. I am amazed how much of myself self I have given up to keep the peace. No more peace keeping. I am making my own decisions based on what I need, want, and think is best. It is interesting.

I dream of having the ability to relax again. To feel peace of mind. To be calm. Somewhere in me there is always a fear. Every moment of every day. 

I own my part why I have stayed. My parents divorced and it got worse for me. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them. I think I'm over that now by working through my trauma. 

My plan is to keep getting better. He will either grow or go. At least that's what they say.


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## bloodwood

Hi CarlaMarie,
The article "You Deplete Me" had some really good stuff. Your husband sounds aware but not willing to address. If that is correct it is one step up from not aware.

quote: I am amazed how much of myself self I have given up to keep the peace. No more peace keeping. I am making my own decisions based on what I need, want, and think is best.

I think this is the best thing for your sefl and for your kids. The example you set is important too. You personally deserve to be happy. I can not think af a single valid argument against that. You derserve to feel like you want to smile, and your home is a happy safe snuggly place. 
My own parents divorced and it was terrible. There was actually a few divorces. In my heart I believe that it was the only answer. I would rather have them divorced than the fighting. Or even worse the tension in the house and the feeling of walking on tippy-toes. The knot in the stomach. Kids and adults do not deserve that. When we are about to pass away and we ask ourselves was it worth it I believe the answer is no.

quote: He will either grow or go
Or you may grow and go.

One thing my girlfriend and I do sometimes is as we are lying in bed at night we pull out an excercise book or just read a paragraph or two and talk. Kind of like a captive audience.

I will ask you what you get from the relationship with your husband. Not about the kids but about you. What benefits are there. for your body mind and soul. When you do get him into a session is there a sense that it does benefit for you or the family.

And don't forget this link, pretty good...http://forum.psychlinks.ca/self-esteem-and-self-concept/25572-you-need-to-know-youre-great.html

Peter


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## rdw

Carla Marie
One of the books I found to be most helpful was - and is - _*CoDependent No More*_ by author Melody Beattie. It helped me to reinforce boundaries, let go of my control and caretaking issues and know that it was okay to do so. It is an easy read plus it is easy to go back to sections that apply to each individual. Good luck on your journey...


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## CarlaMarie

I own that book also Pia Melody's Sex and Love Addiction another good one. I'm working on it a day at a time. The way I see it is we fit. I may feel like he is a perpetrator but that makes me a victim. I'm a good victim. It takes two. I own my part. Until I learn how not to be a victim and I can be who I am meant to be. I can not walk away. I would be running. He isn't going to make me happy and neither is any other man. It comes from the inside out. 

He has huge codependent issues. He loves me to death. I feel smothered. He loves me so much he doesn't want to lose me. He puts me on a pedestal. He thinks I am beautiful and works very hard to provide for me and the children. I has gotten old. I am learning not to do it anymore. I want him to Listen, show up the way I need him to, man up, be vulnerable. That is what he is running from. I want real intimacy. Until he does. I have boundaries in place to keep me safe because he isn't safe. He already knows I will leave the marriage unless we work this stuff out. That was established when we started therapy. We both committed to the process. 

He will or he won't I have no idea. Meanwhile I have to get functional. My sponsor says I will know when it is time to go. I saw a lawyer awhile ago so I know what actions I need to take. Right now I need to get healthy physically and emotionally. Then finish up my house, then get a job. It is a process. I have to follow it all the way through till the end. So if or when I go I know I did my best. That is my plan.


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## tryindbt

Good for you CarlaMarie!   I say that with a bit of uneasiness because it's not a great thing to say good if things don't work out..but i am saying "good job!" on working on you and you seem to be strong and healthy in what you are describing.  You are trying to work out your issues, you seem to know what they are and which ones are important to you, you have expressed them, and you are looking at getting yourself healthy in all areas. That's great! I hope you continue to get healthy and hopefully things will work out for the best!


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## bloodwood

Hi CarlaMarie,


> He has huge codependent issues. He loves me to death. I feel smothered. He loves me so much he doesn't want to lose me. He puts me on a pedestal. He thinks I am beautiful and works very hard to provide for me and the children. I has gotten old. I am learning not to do it anymore. I want him to Listen, show up the way I need him to, man up, be vulnerable. That is what he is running from. I want real intimacy. Until he does. I have boundaries in place to keep me safe because he isn't safe. He already knows I will leave the marriage unless we work this stuff out. That was established when we started therapy. We both committed to the process.


 
Thank you for this. Of your posts I had read I can not remeber you expressing the positives of the relationship and whats he gives you. Maybe I just missed those. I see now part of why you stay. This one posting puts things much clearer to me and it also expresses a really clear game plan. It oozes confidence and clarity. It is assertiveness and healthy balance. I am sorry if I did not see that before. I am encouraged for you.
You Go Girl! :2thumbs:
One thing that strikes me is that there _is_ a strength in him. For a man to cherish passionately. And to work hard - In ways that he feels he can at the time - show dedication and a strength. Maybe he is not strong enough rght now to tackle the big stuff but he is not without some strength/fortitude in there. Seeing that part of the picture also give hope.
I have also seen a strength in you (your posts), your unfailing determination. Even when you have faltered you have known the direction you _wanted_ to go. And you got back on and went, when you were able.
Peter


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## rdw

Carla Marie
Good job- sounds like you have a plan for you. It takes a lot of work and self examination to get to that point. Continued good luck


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## CarlaMarie

Thank you for your kind words of support. I have good news today. You know my little friend I talk about with the addiction and the sad story. She stayed with me last night. She is clean and taking action to get her life back. She has the sparkle of life back in her eyes. I am taking her to a meeting and helping her get into get into a program so can, have a place to live, get her GED, and a job. I am surprised maybe this is the real thing. All I know she is precious and I am happy to have her around.


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## bloodwood

Oh CarlaMarie, I am so happy for you both.
I hope she is able to stick to it. If she can not stick to it this time I hope that at least the experience is positive so that next time goes smoother. 
I understand that it can take repeated tries to battle anything. Her willingness to go and also stay with you is such a good sign.
May I ask her age?
Peter


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## CarlaMarie

Peter, 
    She turned 18 two weeks ago. She had my kids outdoors cleaning our cars today. I love having her around. It is hard for her to settle down to our "boring" family routine. She is doing it though. I see a change in her. She is calmer. Grateful. Tomorrow is another day. We will see how it goes.


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## bloodwood

What a spirit she has and a desire to live. There will be some hard times ahead but just taken as "today" it is very nice. You must be on cloud nine.
I guess I worry about after the initial bubble bursts how to keep her involve. How to let her learn that everydday life can have it's on rewards even with out the more immediate highs.
Part of the answer may be in keeping her busy and involved in things that give har a sense of accomplishment and peace and safety.
You mentioned GED, That is a high school diploma isn't it?

It occurs to me also that in an ideal situation, having this young fighter recovering, in your house might inspire your husband somehow to look at things again. (hope-hope-hope) 
Peter


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## CarlaMarie

She is a young fighter. Her journey is just begining in recovery. She is not alone. We have a villiage. She got a "sponsor" last night a young woman who is closer to her age who can help her in the ways I can't. I'm off the hook there. 

My husband and I have done battleover this kid. He has come around and now has the same compasion as I do for her. She had to go through him first to get permission to stay here at my home. I sometimes loose my objectivity. This is a very short term solution. I will support her to to find a stable home as long as she is in recovery. She has a phone interview today. Then she will do the next right thing whatever that is.

My husband and I cleared the air with a chatt yesterday. It comes down to he is disconnected from the relationship in order to get reconnected he needs to do some emotional "work". The problem is he has work at his job. My issue is before this current crisis at work there was a previous crisis at work. When has it ever been my turn to come first. I told him I am not waiting to put myself first anymore. I just am. He is at work somewhere in some other state. I am putting myself first. I am making decisions based on what I need and of course my children not him. If that makes any sense.


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## bloodwood

Yes it does make sense CarlaMarie.
In my little head I thought maybe at some point he might hear the two of you talking healthy talk and something might click in him. Maybe after a hard day some little thing one of you says rings true and he might connect. It is a hope.

I am glad for your fortitude and hope the best no matter how it turns out. The young lady has a sponsor her own age but you will still have interaction and contact but without the extra burden in your life to be as directly responsible to her. With what you are carrying that is perhaps good at this moment.
Have I said "You Go Girl!!!" lately?   
Peter


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## CarlaMarie

You crack me up. How it works is like this: I am too close to her I am like an elder advisor at this point because I have been with her for so long. She needs some one she can relate to and respect to tell her like it is.The girl who is her sponsor will tell her the truth (like she is a lier and a theif and she has to make things right to the people she hurt) when she least wants to hear it. I am off the hook. I don't have to be the bad guy I can just love on her. The way it works is we get to stay sober by passing it along to others. She has been a gift to my sobriety. She has kept me sober. When I work with her I forget about me and my problems and get to feel compassion for another human being. It is a special thing especially with her because she reminds me so much of what I was like. When I love her I can not help but love myself. I then get self forgiveness. By helping others I help myself.

My husband knows exactly how it works. He has worked a program and has been a sponsor. He has been sober for 25 years. There is a thing we in the program call emotional sobriety he is in search of. How he will find it I do not know it is his path. We were one for a long time. You know the saying "you complete me". I took care of him emotionally. We blew that up. I can't do the work for him.


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## bloodwood

I knew from you posts that he had gone into a lot of recovery stuff before but it sounds like he has pulled away from that level of active truth. I was hoping he might get a bit or "contact truth" so-to-speak form the interactions of you and your young friend.

It sounds like an ideal situation for you as far as what you were describing as your role. 

My girlfriend had been in very toxic relationships before me. When I met her I would ask her where she wanted to go it and it was so often "you decide". One day when this happened I pulled over and explained to her that I want her input and I want her to be half of the relationship. If I was going to decide everything then I could just date myself.
Gradually over time I made it clear that we are a team and that is how we had to work it. Now she tries to be the boss and pick on me!! What have I created? :lol:

I am wishing that all goes well for you and your expanded family.
Peter


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## CarlaMarie

Hi Peter and all you all who are keeping up,
    I haven't heard from you in a while I am hoping all is well. Things are moving forward here. I am so stinking proud of myself for the boundaries I am keeping even through my medication withdrawal. My little friend is keeping up her part of the deal with sobriety first. I have decided to pay her for a couple hours of cleaning a day once a week so she can learn budgeting. She knows it is a temporary solution. We have talked about personal space boundaries and the like. 
  We also talked about her adoptive parents. I'm out she needs to talk to her sponsor and work that stuff out with her. I have too much of a history with them. An example being they gave her all copies of her birth certificate, adoption decree, passport, and the like. Worthless documents when trying to get a job she needs original legal documents proving identification. They irritate the tar out of me. They have had her running in circles and she is so young and dumb and didn't even realize they were all copies. Some one else needs to deal with that stuff I get too irritated.
    So I after I realized what I am paying her for it stuff that is really the tip of the iceberg. I actually do that a more  all the time day in and day out. I thought to myself I am goings to pay myself. I actually bought myself something that I wanted. I bought me an iPod nano with some really good earphones. Can you believe it?
     My wants to control my relationship with her by deciding what rooms I can hand out with her in. Whatever! He doesn't get chicks do makeup and hair. He is meeting with the therapist. I guess the latest crisis is over at work.


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## bloodwood

Wow CarlaMarie. It sounds like your got your groove on. You deserve to  be proud of yourself for keeping a good head on things.
"He is meeting the therapist" - This is your husband? 
The young one will get it together gradually and also learn.  She will get it together as a survivor. Might hit some bumps but getting there.
Peter


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