# Gut reaction



## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

sorry i am just worried because i know my gut reactions are never wrong when it comes to my observational skills.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 16, 2018)

Gut reaction about what, @forgetmenot?

What are you worrying about?


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## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

About my ma conditon  i know what i observed i guess i am still a nurse ok inside  i know the signs of cardiac issues  and i was right about her bloodsugars  it was high 16
What i am worried about is the lack of concern ok   ugggggg   no follow up   no follow up   The supervisor she ask mother when pain started  she should have asked specifically when her chest pain started mother told her her pain started weeks ago that pain is a different pain

I know ok signs  she was cold seat her shirt was soaked back and front  nitro spray given three shots took the edge of pain

no follow up ok   no follow up    i was told to give mother water for her high blood sugar no doctor called  no blood work ordered

sorry so sorry but when one is in a nrsg home it is like so  so what     what if she goes into cardiac arrest what if her blood sugar continues to climb 

my mind is not shutting down ok  i am not able to shut down because no follow up now mother is not getting the care she needs right now 

ugggggggg sorry i want to call but i know better  they will be pissed off at me  im tired and icannot shut down ok because i would never leave anything for granted i would call the doctor and get orders for blood work to see if mother had cardiac attack and get orders for high blood sugar  but that is not how nrsg home works ugggg


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## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

Supervisor stated she was not having acute issues  i don't know what that means  highblood sugar of 16  chest pain from left to right arm   cold and clammy hand and pale in color 
not eating lunch or supper  not acute there is a change in my mothers condition and it is not acute she says  uggg sorry


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 16, 2018)

Do you know the name of the doctor in charge of her care? Can you call him in the morning?


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## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

I will call him tomorrow if the nrsg home has not called Dr.  i need to talk to tell him what i observed  um  omg i have to take care of my daughter first thing too 

 I will try call nrsg home first to see if they are going to follow up with what has happened if not  i will call her doctor   

I know they don't like me to do this  so i will wait and see what they are going to do first   

It hurts because ugggggggg i know she is old i know that  but i don't want to lose her .


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## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

130 am here  i need to rest i have so much to do tomorrow omg i will try again to rest  have to let it go until tomorrow your right  call tomorrow


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## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

Dr away for a week  i did talk to nurse today.  I trust this nurse she follows through she goes back and rechecks the vitals and does blood sugars .

 i can approach this nurse.
I asked her about restarting her diabetic pills  seeing how her blood sugar is still up  not as high but still up.
  Also asked if they could do cardiac markers just to see what they are dealing with in regards to Mothers heart  

 Mother remains lethargic clammy feeling but her vitals are within norm but fluctuating up and down. 

 She did not eat anything for me at lunch just sips of water i manage to get her to take 
 They did say she had tea earlier anyways she is resting now in her big chair and i have her headphones on with nice music for her 

 Ma likes Coat of many colors song and Grandmas feather bed lol and more oldies. 

  I am not use to this change in how a nrsg home reacts opposed to a hospital . 

  Nurse assures me if mother becomes critical again they would send her to hospital.

Sorry i am not sure now if my decision to not resuscitate is a right decision maybe because of that the reaction to her change in condition is not to alerting to them

 i don't know considering changing that now to resuscitate so hard i do not want to make wrong decision here.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 16, 2018)

Still so worried she remains lethargic breathing not the same more shallow breathing.
 Phoned supervisor tonight don't know this one ask her to listen to ma lungs. 
 I was just made aware by my twin that ma had a choking episode at supper the night before all this down hill started. Wondering if she aspirated some food into lungs uggg anyways just wanted supervisor to know this.
I just want them to watch her closely because iknow people that age go down hill fast  i do just hope she is stronger tomorrow.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 18, 2018)

Um Ma is gone omg soryy


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## GaryQ (Jul 18, 2018)

Oh FMN I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wish there were words...
Big virtual hug


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## GaryQ (Jul 18, 2018)

Actually there are some words,
She was lucky and blessed to have had such a wonderful kind, caring and loving daughter. I hope in your grief that you try not to forget that.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 18, 2018)

I am sincerely sorry to hear that, @forgetmenot.

Be with your family and close friends now and try to find some comfort there.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 19, 2018)

They should have listen to me they should have listne i have no friends i want it that way  i went and got my daughter and my hsb left work i have so much to do tomorrow have to notify all government dept and lawyers and banks and god know what else  i should have fought to make them hear me but i knew they would not listen 
ma with her sons now and i hope she is at peace i am sorry i did not fight harder to make them send her to hspital on sunday      Have two day to get her belongings out of nursing home  will donate it all i dont want it.  told them all she is gone  too late now for them to care.


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## GaryQ (Jul 19, 2018)

forgetmenot said:


> i have no friends



I know it won't ease any of the pain. No words will, but maybe, you can find a little comfort in knowing that, even if we are all pretty much anonymous and scattered around the world, you have friends here that care deeply about you. 

You have been and are a light and an amazing support and comfort to me and to many of us here. I hope we can support and comfort you as you walk through these really difficult times.


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## Daniel (Jul 19, 2018)

I want to give my condolences as well. 

Personally,  I have never experienced grief without feeling guilt.  It's a very human way of trying to make sense of things that are beyond our control.


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## gooblax (Jul 19, 2018)

So sorry for your loss forgetmenot.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 19, 2018)

Daniel said:


> Personally,  I have never experienced grief without feeling guilt.  It's a very human way of trying to make sense of things that are beyond our control.



Exactly. Guilt and "what ifs" are a huge part of grieving.


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## Harebells (Jul 19, 2018)

So sorry forgetmenot x


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## forgetmenot (Jul 23, 2018)

Been keeping very busy trying to not feel anything  um  saw Grandchildren yesterday 

They are all so beautiful oldest is 7  she is feeling sad because with every new baby she feels she is less important so sad really

  i bought them each something from me.  The 7 yr old loves dresses she was so happy with her dress and 5 yr old a dress as well with gold flamingos on it to match her little purse.  The boy a skate board shirt and one with cars. and the one year old paw patrol pj  

 Tthey really help distract me from what is going on inside   so much to do  getting most done.  

 Sort of being pushed into the get together tomorrow not wanting to do it but if it helps them with closure ok 

  Took my brother out that is in group home brought him ma picture omg  he started to cry um  i told him ma was not in pain now and was watching over him from above.  He asked if i would take him out for a milkshake  i did.  also got him his pop and razors and calogne  ma would like me to do that she would.  

going to try to get him in a better place somewhere they will take him out more.   seems family are um pulling on me for some strength so i am trying so hard to be strong for them.

Hard to see them all suffering  but maybe somehow things will work out.  Have to get out tomorrow find a flowering tree to plant for ma hope i can find a nice one.  they will all be here at 3 tomorrow for burial  of her ashes omg omg  omg  anyways then will take my daughter to her apt next day she is going to beach with act team  and i will go see my therapist     I don't know what will happen after tomorrow  when i am all alone  i suspect emotions will come then  i hope not i really hope not.


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## GaryQ (Jul 23, 2018)

forgetmenot said:


> I don't know what will happen after tomorrow  when i am all alone  i suspect emotions will come then  i hope not i really hope not.



We'll be here if you need us FMN


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## forgetmenot (Jul 24, 2018)

Why did i not call the dam ambulance myself why do i do this let other people take control when i knew i knew she needed help i knew it dam me. 

 Hard day today wish i slept but couldn't

 Raining here suppose to rain all day so lots of people in my place today ohh  ma ashes are here did not open the package do not want to do this  hope not too many people come .


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 24, 2018)

@forgetmenot, in the face of loss of a loved one we all do this - we wonder about and feel guilty about what we could have or should have done. It's a normal human reaction.

But it's really not a very helpful or productive one.

As I understand it, your mom was elderly and not in good health. In all likelihood, it was just her time to pass over. We who are left behind feel the loss and grieve the loss, and we find it hard to accept that it has happened. But the end of life is part of life. It will happen to all of us eventually.

You are a good daughter and a good mother. You have spent your life trying your best to help your family and others, and I have no doubt that many people have appreciated your care and benefited from it over the years. But there is only so much one person can do and no one can prevent the inevitable.

Try to take some comfort in knowing that you did your best for her while she was here and that she is now in a place where she no longer suffers.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 24, 2018)

Ma was very very young in her mind 
She loved music  was full of humor had such great comeback lines. 

 I did not want her to suffer that all if she went to hospital they would have stopped her pain. 

 I understand i do  i will have more time now with my daughter who needs me still  and ma well she is not suffering now your right omg i cannot let the emotions come i cannot do this but yes i will get through today i will have to keep me strong yes sun is out . 

 It was Ma time your right just hard seeing it happen all so fast  in front of me. That moment when i realized she was not coming back omg.  
I wished i hugged her before she left i usually do that before i leave her 
Thanks for all the support i understand i do  dam emotions dam emotions dam it. 
I do hope there is an afterlife  no one knows really but i do hope she is with her sons now and she is once again able to see.


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## Cat Dancer (Jul 24, 2018)

I am so sorry for your loss my sweet, kind friend.


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