# The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others



## David Baxter PhD (May 6, 2009)

The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others
By Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. 
May 5, 2009

_Excerpt from The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others_

In legends and folklore, the white knight rescues the damsel in distress, falls in love, and saves the day. Real-life white knights are men and women who enter into romantic relationships with damaged and vulnerable partners, hoping that love will transform their partner's behavior or lives; a relationship pattern that seldom leads to a storybook ending. White knights can be any age, race, sexual orientation, culture, or socioeconomic status, but all have the inclination and the need to rescue. Although white knights can exist in a wide range of relationships, such as in a business or a friendship, we will limit our focus to the white knight in intimate relationships.

Take a few moments to consider the various relationships you know about or those in which you've been involved. It's likely you know of relationships that include people who have found partners in need of rescuing-the rescue could have been from anything-unhappiness, financial chaos, substance abuse, depression, an abusive relationship, medical issues, or a past that left them wounded. Perhaps the rescuers you know intuitively recognized their partners' core neediness or vulnerability, regardless of how well disguised that person's weakness was at the beginning of their relationship.

You will discover that many rescuers often go from one person in need of rescue to another, riding into each new partner's life on a white horse to save the day. In the initial stages of the relationship, the rescuer seems gracious and happily altruistic, but as time goes by, he feels increasingly unhappy, disappointed, critical, and powerless.

Although the white knight's heroic actions may take the form of slaying her partner's metaphorical dragons, her real goal, which is often beyond her awareness, involves slaying the dragons from her own past. Thus, at a deeper level the compulsive rescuer is trying to repair the negative or damaged sense of herself that developed in childhood.

Unfortunately, the white knight's choice of a partner, and how that partner is eventually treated, often repeats symbolically the very same kind of distress that the white knight himself experienced in childhood. 
Ultimately, rather than repairing his sense of self, this repetition leaves the white knight feeling defeated.

An understanding of the white knight syndrome will help you achieve a greater awareness of your own compulsive rescuing or the rescuing behavior of another person. Our upcoming blogs will offer general discussions and case examples that will provide you with a model you can use to asses any unhealthy tendencies you may have to rescue others. We will explore ways to channel your empathy and altruism into healthy, balanced relationships with supportive partners.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 25, 2011)

*White Knight Syndrome?*

I am a little worried that I might be a bit like this...  And I'm wondering if I am doing it now...   Am I distracting myself with _other_ people's problems so that I don't have to deal with my _own_ problems?  lol  Because that would be like my mother.  She would always try to fix people and not even think about working on her own problems...   I was thinking of doing like some in this Forum and eventually get some kind of Social Work or Psych degree, so I could help people. But maybe I shouldn't!  lol  I am going to ask my therapist tomorrow to see what he thinks...


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## Daniel (Sep 25, 2011)

*Re: White Knight Syndrome?*



> Am I distracting myself with _other_ people's problems



I guess a better use of one's time would be posting LOL cats and anti-Canadian content :wink:

Seriously, even distractions are sometimes a good thing.   It's all about balance, and, as you say, what one's larger goals are.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 25, 2011)

*Re: White Knight Syndrome?*

Yes, good point, Daniel!  lol  I do like LOLcats n dogs!  Hee hee...

My mom was always "helping" people.  But her way of helping was getting knee-deep into other people's affairs and trying to claim that their pain was hers, or so she could gossip about them to someone else (to make her own family sound better perhaps, or to avoid talking about her own family), or on some level to feel appreciated and wanted (possibly because her own children were beginning to really push back and not always appreciate her help)...  To the point of getting really involved in _their_ dramatic family issues.  With her own kids, we felt a lot of times her 'support' was less like help and more like interference. 

I don't think I am doing that...   I just notice sometimes that instead of empathizing more, I tend to try to fix the situation.   I would like to be more mindful that when a person comes to Forums like this, yes it's nice to get advice, but I don't want to forget about how the person is feeling...  That would be too much like my mom.  She wouldn't empathize with me when I was feeling bad about something, she wouldn't focus on my feelings, she would always focus on how to fix the problem I was having and disregard my feelings (and also her feelings).  I guess her way to avoid dealing with feelings and to remedy the situation was to be the problem-solver.

Perhaps I am not quite as out of balance like she is.  I believe I definitely was at one time...  But still, gonna get a second opinion from a professional in real life just to confirm!


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## Yuray (Sep 25, 2011)

*Re: White Knight Syndrome?*

............or, perhaps you are just a balanced rescuer. Your mother getting 'knee deep' in others problems is I think more than just a 'white knight' action. Ankle deep is deep enough. How are your ankles?


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