# I love you...



## Ashley-Kate (Dec 16, 2007)

Well lately i have been feeling extremely depressed not just a bit i get some highs only related to my eating disorder and then i get extremely down like very low i feel like **** like i am just not good enough not perfect enough and then well the other day and still now i find myself just looking at my friends and family and in some odd way and tone i look them straight in the face and tell them how much i love them and how important it is that they never forget that! i know in any normal case my friends are aware that i am depressed and that i have been feeling extremely sad lately so i know in some way that telling them that worries them a bit (they told me) but i feel so scared that i don't know what i am capable of that one day i just might have enough so I'd rather tell them now so that when and if that day ever comes they will know that i love them all!

but i just don't know how to make it up this hill to beat this i just feel really beat! i can't smile i can't look up i just feel like nothing! my psychologist wanted to put my in the hospital over X-mas due to the stress it is causing me with all the family parties and stuff i refused feeling as if this is the last time i will see them all together yet i don't really want to die i just feel so tired so sick of this whole need for perfection!

yours truly
ashley


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 16, 2007)

*Re: i love you and goodbye!*

Why not go into hospital before Christmas? As a voluntary patient, they would almost certainly give you a pass to return home over Christmas because they too will be short-staffed, and then you could go back into the program after Christmas.

It may be your best opportunity to have your medications reevaluated and adjusted or changed.

There's no need to continue to feel this hopeless and helpless, Ashley. In your happier and clearer moments, you know this to be true.


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## Ashley-Kate (Dec 16, 2007)

i know and i am not saying that i completly rejected the idea of the hospital but i feel that imposing the whole ashley is back in the hospital again all before x-mas would be a little much to handle for my familly them having to be sad and worried cause i am not well it feels easier for the whole thing to be in a way not spoken of 

everyone around me knows me to feel sad but they don't say it cause that would make it an issue we would need to change if we don't talk about it it's like it wasn't there. 

i feel that the hospital is the only thing that can help me step out of this state that i am in and bring me back up but i feel that i don't want to be a burden for my familly and i just don't want them to think i screwed up yet again !


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 16, 2007)

I don't think it would be "screwing up again" at all, do you?

It's not a terrible thing to be worried about other people but there are times when you need to worry about yourself first. If acknowledging that you need help worries your family, so be it. They'll cope. I suspect they'd be a lot more worried if they had an idea of how hard you're struggling and felt you weren't getting the help you need.


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## Ashley-Kate (Dec 16, 2007)

i know but i just feel that i made them go trhough hell in the last like 6 years me being in and out of hospitals! i am scared as wel cause i will be going into a mental health unit not an e-d unti therefore yes it will be agnoledged that i have an e-d but not supervised and i  know that when i was in previous hospital such as that i would only get worst i would only just transfer my problemes and worsten on the side of my e-d i just can'T see myself giving up in some ways saying well i am sick of it tiered so i am going to take a break! i find that seems week but on the other hand i can't take thinking the things i do ! i wasn't like this before i was impusive if i was sad well i just acted on it right away that's whats got me in the hospital in the first place (overdose) but now i didnT' go through the impulsivness i just have the thoughts worst i just question life question why and how it would be simple just a small act and everything is solved but i hate thisi hate thinking this way 
yours trully ashley


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 16, 2007)

I can't tell you what to do, Ashley. But if you think you need to be in hospital and your therapist thinks you need to be in hospital, perhaps you should be listening to those messages.


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## Into The Light (Dec 16, 2007)

given the choice, your family would much rather have you in hospital, even if it's during christmas, than to have you get worse or even choose suicide.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 4, 2008)

well x-mas and new years is over i decided that i was staying living with my mother and not going to any clinic for e-d problems cause i would have to live with my dad and over the holidays i got into a fight with him and we are currently not on speaking terms

i feel tired sick i just feel like my mind is slowly losing it! next week i am going on vacation with my sister .. to my dads but at least this time i will have her with me and hopefully my dad doesn't drive me mad

finally its all over ! i decided to stay at my moms house cause i find in the state i currently am in moving will cause too much chaos and i will find myself alone without friends and my fatehr and i are not extremly close so i could not go to him for help! i am feeling very tired and exhausted my life is slowly deteriorating i don't sleep hardly or rather i don't sleep at night during th day i spend my time at the gym and in bed! i hate my life i want to start living again but feel powerless to do so! i see my psychologist next week and i don't know how to tell her yet again that i am still depressed i don't want to go into the hospital and yet i know that would probably help a me a great deal i just don't really want to go through all that again


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## Into The Light (Jan 5, 2008)

> i see my psychologist next week and i don't know how to tell her yet again that i am still depressed i don't want to go into the hospital and yet i know that would probably help a me a great deal i just don't really want to go through all that again


having to go to the hospital plain sucks, no one enjoys having to be there but if it is necessary and if it can help you in the long run... not going will only mean you continue to feel as you are right now and nothing will change. you said you want to live your life again but that you feel powerless, why not take that control of your life back by making a decision that you know is ultimately going to help you feel better?


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## Halo (Jan 5, 2008)

Into The Light said:


> having to go to the hospital plain sucks, no one enjoys having to be there but if it is necessary and if it can help you in the long run... not going will only mean you continue to feel as you are right now and nothing will change. you said you want to live your life again but that you feel powerless, why not take that control of your life back by making a decision that you know is ultimately going to help you feel better?



Welll said ITL and I agree.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 5, 2008)

I agree also. No one likes being in the hospital, but sometimes it's necessary for survival. I think it something you should at least consider.


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## Ashley-Kate (Jan 6, 2008)

yeah i have considered it! i just don't think i can do it again! after 6 times in and out of a hospital i just don't think it can work i went in plenty of times with the thought of getting better and the will to do so but i always go back to this feeling and i don't think going back into the hospital yet again will change the out come ... i get out happy yes but only temporarily and then end up even more depressed then when i went in cause i feel that i failed in recovery and just get depressed even more


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## Into The Light (Jan 6, 2008)

> i went in plenty of times with the thought of getting better and the will to do so but i always go back to this feeling and i don't think going back into the hospital yet again will change the out come ... i get out happy yes but only temporarily


ashley, why not make sure that the people treating you know about this and ask for their help on how to make this time different. tell them you want to hang on to the feeling better once you leave hospital. ask them to come up with a different plan with you to maintain the gains made in hospital.


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