# Close to it



## Lonewolf

My mood has plummeted!! I feel so down, I don't think I can get much lower! Ive been clinging on by my finger nails for a while now! Im finding it is increasingly difficult to find reasons to keep fighting with these thoughts and feelings, especially when im feeling so isolated and alone! Ive got those nasty thoughts creeping back and I don't think im strong enough to push them away everytime they hit me! And they are hitting me harder and harder!! They are there when I wake up and they are there when im awake and they are there when I go to sleep!! constantly!! There's no off switch!! 

Im so sorry for being so defeatist, but im afraid that im in a very dark place with nowhere to hide from my demons and there's no one around to help me fight them off!


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## forgetmenot

*Re: close to it!!*

I posted something  too that i always feel so alone  so isolated when the thoughts come  and the darkness is deep.    I was told  that there is always someone hun to reach out to
You are reaching out here now  good for you ok  you keep talking to us  because then you know  you are not alone  and someone is hearing you and someone cares ok  I CARE 
Also  in real life hun  crisis lines  used them  and they too bring one out of the darkness some.  Just hearing a real voice  one of concern and understanding can help   Crisis line can also  give you other supports in your area that could help you ok   

Hugs to you hun   please know you are not alone


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## Lonewolf

*Re: close to it!!*

just so tearful lol!! Im not sure what's happening!!


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## David Baxter PhD

What steps are you taking besides posting here to keep yourself safe, reeper?


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## Lonewolf

Am trying to keep myself occupied, but I haven't really got the energy! I feel so lethargic!! Im watching films, cleaning the fish tank! I am constantly fighting myself to not react to these thoughts/feelings because I need to make sure that doing something is my last resort!! Am struggling not to be impulsive with this!! I wish I could sleep through this!! I really do!

---------- Post Merged at 03:30 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:32 PM ----------

I wish I could be with my best friend, ive been thinking about him so much!! I don't want to be on my own anymore!!


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## forgetmenot

Have you seen your doctor hun  talked to a professional  see what can be done for you to help decrease the thoughts    I know meds  have saved me in the dark times  they have simply taken the sadness down some  so i could cope better  and therapy talking to someone helps too hun   Hope you look into finding support for you ok


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## Lonewolf

I feel like I am a nuiscence!  finding it difficult to communicate with people, I shut down and almost loose the ability to talk at all!! I don't want to get in the way! I already feel like im in the way of myself!!


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## Retired

> I wish I could be with my best friend



If you are referring to your best friend who passed, you know that's impossible.  Life is for the living, and you have your whole life ahead of you.  It is doubtful that your friend would want you to stop your life because of his passing, as sad as it is to have lost him.

To understand your situation better, would you let us know the following:

Do you have a plan for for suicide?

Have you ever attempted a suicide plan in the past?

You need to do the following:

Call someone you can trust and to whom you can confide in, such as a family member, brother, sister, cousin....or a trusted friend who can provide some support during this difficult time.

If none of these are available, call your doctor, your therapist or your spiritual advisor or go to the Emergency of your local hospital for assistance.  You need to get a professional involved to help regain control of your life.

Do you have the number of a local crisis hotline to call?


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## Lonewolf

I have attempted suicide in the past and yes, I have sort of a plan!! I would never write a note because then the people that have added to where I am now, would maybe feel something!! Something that would mean more than any note I could write!!

---------- Post Merged at 04:49 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:59 PM ----------

sorry, but that's how it is!! 

---------- Post Merged at 05:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:49 PM ----------

I don't know who to call? I can't ring the mental health crisis line because I am not under the mental health services, I know that because I have tried recently!! Unable to talk to family as they are part of the problem!!  its pretty much just me, on my own!!! No body gives a hoot really! but thanks anyway!!!


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## Retired

I don't know how medical services are delivered in your Country, but can you walk into the Emergency of a local hospital and simply tell them you are suicidal?

What's important now is to get someone into your life, someone to whom you can talk and who can be with you during this difficult time.

Is there someone in your family, to whom you can reach out just this once?  You may not want to spend the rest of your life living with that person, but perhaps there is someone with whom you have a bit of a relationship who can help you.

Weren't you seeing a therapist recently?  Can you contact that person?

*Please look HERE for some information on a crisis hotline in London*

In the meantime, I would ask you to keep the dialogue going here, as you are among people who will not judge you, but people, some of whom have had to deal with crises of their own, and who understand how you might feel.

May I ask what type of work or studies are you involved with?

Will you promise to keep yourself safe until we can figure out how we can help you get through this difficult time?


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## TrustMate

Reeper,

You did so well by deciding to share your thoughts here. You should know that even being sepatared by miles and sitting on the other side of PC screen we still care about you. Although it is often hard to understand the exact feelings of ot he person, be sure that many many people here think about your situation and want to help.
If I or anybody else here can do something specific to help you, just tell us. You are not alone! Just don't give up! Do whatever you can manage, think about something else, occupy yourself with work.

And, please, if things go really desperate, call the hotline.

Thinking about you


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## GDPR

thereeper said:


> No body gives a hoot really!



I do!!


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## forgetmenot

You can call any crisis line hun  it does not have to be a mental health crisis line  you can talk to befrienders on line  Good Samaritans  they have both helpl me   A crisis line is for anyone to call ok   so call it


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## MHealthJo

Thinking of you Reeper and please keep in touch with us with anything you want to say or express or let us know anything we can do or how we could support you.

(Reeper is on a waiting list to receive help in her area.)

We care about you and we are always here.

((hugs))


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## Lonewolf

Ive got myself into a bit of a mess!! Have been stashing stuff for about a week and today I have been sitting here with them, torturing myself! Ive managed not to give in so far, but its so tempting!! I know the right thing to do would be to get rid of them, but for some reason I feel safer knowing that they are here for me if/when I need them!! I know it sounds stupid!! I know I can't just hide them, cos ill know where they are anyway!! Im trying so hard to distract myself and calm down! Talk myself round so that I can survive another difficult day! if anyone's out there who can just talk to me for a little while, I would very much appreciate it, just to know that there are other people on this earth, who get where im at?? Im so sorry, I know everyone has their own troubles!! please don't think im too selfish in asking?


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## Retired

Reeper,

Please reread my earlier post

and,   *Please look HERE for some information on a crisis hotline in London* for some local support.

You need to dispose of the materials you have collected to carry out your suicide plan, and get yourself to a safe place such as a local hospital.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe and to call the crisis line?


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## Lonewolf

I don't tend to make promises anymore! I may not keep to them!! but il try!! Im not sure that I can take myself up to the hospital just because I am feeling like this, I think that they wouldn't be able to do anything!! Unless ive done it!! however I will try to ring a helpline!! Thankyou for responding!!


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## David Baxter PhD

reeper, before you do anything else, get rid of the excess medication.

As a followup question, how do you collect them? Have you been skipping doses of medications you should be taking?


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## Retired

> however I will try to ring a helpline!!



Good, that's an important first step.  Helplines are staffed by people who like helping people so be honest with them so they can point you in the right direction.

We understand the pain you must be feeling.  You must understand that in moments of emotional pain, our thinking becomes distorted, so any decision should be postponed until the crisis is over.

For that reason, Reeper, you must dispose of your excess medication and any other materials you have accumulated.

Lets keep the dialogue going.


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## TrustMate

Reeper, 

If you don't have anyone close at the moment to talk to, just keep posting here. Just continue the dialog with us. You're not selfish at all, and that's what this community is for - helping each other in difficult situations. Maybe, not all of us have been where you are right now, but it doesn't mean that we don't care or cannot help. Just share with us, and it might help you at least a little bit to go through this situation.

Talk about whatever you want now. Just keep posting.


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## Lonewolf

Its not medication that I take on a daily basis, its more pain relief stuff!! (I don't know if I can say what the actual tablets are, but I hope you get what I mean?) I just buy a packet or two while im out!! I have actually been taking my prescribed meds as I am supposed to!! But my brain is telling me that most things can be harmful!! In fact its quite overwhelming! scarie stuff!!


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## David Baxter PhD

OK, that's good. Now, go put the other stuff in the garbage.


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## Lonewolf

I am worried that if I do get rid of all this stuff and don't 'do' it, im going to literally go mad and that seems more frightening than dying!!


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## TrustMate

It seems that those pain killers are preventing you from going mad. But in reality they just blunt your emotions for the moment of time. It's not the way to solve the situation you are in. Look at the prospective of taking pain killers. Is it any good? There should be another choice that will help you not to go mad. Professional aid might be that decision. Being able to go through all you are feeling and work it out with the person who knows how to help might seem like a long and difficult way, but it works. 
Just don't let yourself be alone with all those problems.


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## Lonewolf

I have tried to ask for help from a professional but I feel as if ive not got any chance of their help in the near future! I have my GP, and she thinks that I would probably be out the other side of this by time I even get an assessment!! Apart from her, im sorry to say to you guys, that you are all I have!!! And therapy seems a long way off too!!!


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## TrustMate

You shouldn't be sorry or ashamed if you are in situation where you need help. Nobody can cope with all the hardships on their own. Also, try not to have a negative approach concerning the future possibility of getting help. Don't get stuck with just one source. Are there any other ways to do it? Any live self-help groups (even a social group, like a reading club or art group might be able to distract you at least for a little bit while you're waiting for the prof help), maybe?  
This website is a good place to communicate. I'm just saying that the more resources you are able to use the better it will work.


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## Retired

> Apart from her, im sorry to say to you guys, that you are all I have!!



We are glad to be here for you, so make use of this resource as much as you need.

I would suggest, though, that you at least call your GP to let her know you are experiencing suicidal thoughts that feel very strong, and that you would like to know how she can help.

Your doctor should not be judging anything you tell her, so you should feel comfortable to tell her exactly how you feel right now.

Were you able to get through to  the crisis hotline in London?


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## Lonewolf

I have the number for 'the sams' from that information and I have sent an email to them!! thankyou for that!! mg: please be sure to tell me if I become a nuiscence. I appreciate you guys being there!!


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## TrustMate

Sending an email was strong and right decision. Maybe, seems like a small step, but it's in the right direction, so it's actually a great thing!

Thank you, Reeper, for staying with us here and talking!


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## Lonewolf

I have calmed down a bit, but I am still feeling very unsettled and these really strong urges! I don't know if I have avoided anything, maybe have managed to delay it!! Just can not stop thinking about death and dying! How to get there? I understand when people say 'it will pass' but sometimes it builds and builds until I am convinced there is no other alternative or escape!! These suicidal thoughts are very intrusive and powerful!!


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## Retired

> I have the number for 'the sams' from that information and I have sent an email to them!! thankyou for that!!



You have done the right thing, and you are to be commended.



> be sure to tell me if I become a nuiscence



No you are not a nuisance, and reaching out for support is the right thing to be doing when in crisis.

What are your interests in life, your work, your studies, your pursuits?


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## TrustMate

The negative thoughts always seem to be powerful in their influence on us. Let's try and distract you from all that bit by bit. Think about your interests and pursuits, like Steve suggested. I'm sure there's a thing or two that you enjoy doing. Concentrate on that!
Also, try to get out. Even a simple trip to a zoo, aquarium or a pet shop will make a difference. 
Let's think together about what you can do in order not to sit and be overloaded by negative thoughts.


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## Lonewolf

I have my fish and South African Land Snails to look after and I love them so much! I also meet up with some people at a group once or twice a week! Other than that I have no enthusiasm or drive in this life!! I am unable to commit to any sort of work due to physical and mental health issues!! I feel that getting through the day is quite an achievement at the moment! Taking one minute at a time! Even breathing is such an effort (not due to any physical ailment)


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## Retired

> South African Land Snails



I am not familiar with those.  What are their special characteristics that attracted you to them?

Any chance you could share some pictures of your collection?


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## Lonewolf

South African Land Snails are much larger than the brittish ones and the shell is a cone shape rather than roundish!! My tenancy for my home states that im not allowed any pets with legs and of course neither fish nor snails do!! I have always had and needed pets to keep me company cos im not very good with human company! I saw the snails on a website, so I bought them and that was 4 years ago! Apparenty they can live up to 10 years!!!  this is 'Dave'


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## TrustMate

Pets are great! They are purest things, and depend on us so much. Also, they give a lot of positive enegry back.
Looking forward to hear stories about your little friends and see their pics.
As for your everyday achievements in getting through this situation, it requires a lot of strength and will power. You are very strong, Reeper!

---------- Post Merged at 05:38 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:33 PM ----------

Wow! Dave surely is a big guy! I like how the shell looks! Beautiful


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## Lonewolf

Dave is quite heavy too! when he comes out of his shell he's the width of my hand and his body is the full length of my hand and about an inch up my wrist!! When he eats you can hear him munching!! I do have two others but they are not as spectacular!!


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## TrustMate

Funny about munching! So, Dave is the star, eh?
Is taking care of the snails very hard or not? What about the fishies? Are they big ones as well?

P.S. Going to get offline for a little bit, but will be back to hear the pet stories soon!


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## GDPR

Oh,SO cool!

How do you take care of snails?

Can you hold them? Do they feel slimy?

I've been thinking about getting another pet,and I had never thought about a snail until seeing the pic of yours,and now I'm interested.

What do you keep a snail in?An aquarium or something?


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## forgetmenot

Hi Reeper  hope you got rid of the meds hun   and i hope you did call someone   just to talk you down ok   it is hard i know   The thing is hun if you get rid of the meds then you will have kept yourself safe ok.   You said what will hospital do for you   They will keep you safe too   they will talk to you   perhaps give you some stay in hospital where you can talk to people who will care about you   Please let us know ok how you are doing


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## Lonewolf

The fish are a kind of goldfish called 'sherbumpkins' (not sure if spelt right?) They are big too, but I got a new baby a few weeks ago! They've all got names- 'Mental' and 'Maddie' 'Sharkie', 'George' 'Sylvester' and the baby is 'Ozzie' Ha! Ha!
Out of looking after the snails or the fish, id say the fish are harder to look after cos they are in a 120 litre tank and when I have to clean the tank and change some of the water, I feel like im emptying a swimming pool!! Its a lot of work and very tiring! but very worth it!!

---------- Post Merged at 05:25 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:11 PM ----------

These snails eat most salad stuff, especially lettuce and cucumber!! I keep the three separate from each other in small fish tanks cos the snails are 'hermafrodites' and each snail can produce 300 eggs and patential snails!! If I had my three in the same tank, I could end up with 900 snails every month!!! These snails need to be in moist substrate (pure soil) and there needs to be enough for them to burrow! The soil needs to be sprayed with water to keep it moist and the snail needs to be sprayed regularly too!! Some snails like to be held and some don't, but don't let them near sugar or salt even if you've got a little bit on your hands cos it will kill them!!! They also need some cuttle fish to munch so that their shell stays solid! Other than that they are lovely! Can be muckie at times, but not all the time!!! Oh yeah, they are nochternal too, so if you are a light sleeper, don't have them in your bedroom!!! They munch loudly! They have teeth!!!

---------- Post Merged at 05:33 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:25 PM ----------

I have thrown some away! I know its sounds silly but I made a compromise because I still need to know I have some! Not enough to do anything serious!!! I really don't believe that the hospital would be remotely interested in the way I feel unless I actually did something!!!


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## TrustMate

Hey, you could become a breeder if you let them snails stay together for a day or so  Just kidding!
From what you've told it seems like a good chunk of work just to take care of pets. I've got fish when I was a child, and remember that it was a big deal just to clean the tank. You've been creative with those names for your fishies (hope, that Sharkie behaves, and doesn't get too ambitious with that name)
And having snails sounds far more exotic than having a cat (like me, haha).


Compromise is a great start, Reeper!


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## Retired

Thank you for sharing your pictures and your experiences with your pets. I had never seen these before and find them fascinating.

It's good to hear your pets bring a little bit of pleasure into your life, even though you are facing these current difficulties.  The joy they bring you can be an antidote to the pain you otherwise feel.



> I have thrown some away! I know its sounds silly but I made a compromise because I still need to know I have some!


 

Excellent! 

Consider this, Reaper....in order for changes to take place, changes to improve your situation in your life,_ you need to take back control of your life._

From what you have shared with us, we understand members of your family do not appear to be supportive.  It may be the sad reality of your family dynamic, but allowing _their_ behaviour dictate what you do,  is surrendering your power to people who, according to your reports, don't seem to be interested in what you do.

Same thing for those medications you have put aside...you are surrendering _your power_ to a few tablets that are controlling your focus on thoughts of suicide.

_Suicide is never a solution to anything_, because there are solutions to every situation.

The key is to seek out those solutions with dedication and commitment for a better life.

Focus on your reasons for living, even if those reasons for the moment, are the pets to which you devote your time and care.

Make the commitment to take back control of your life, and get rid of those medications that currently "compromise" your ability to take your focus away from suicide.

What would it take to begin making a plan to take back control of your life, Reaper and how might we help you do that?


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## MHealthJo

Awww, your snails and fish are SO cool Reeper!! What a fascinating bunch of squishy, slithery or scaly pals!

Haha, I'm amazed at the sound they can make with their munchy teeth! What a good little bunch of salad eaters. They have inspired me; I'm going to try to follow their example today.  

Gosh that aquarium sounds like a big but satisfying job when you clean it/empty it. I think your pals are lucky to live with such a caring and loving owner (who can think up such a cool set of names for them!!
   )

Thanks so much for sharing about them and the pics! Please show us more pics anytime or let us know what they've been up to.......


Wow I am so happy to hear of the group you go to as well hun. You have been doing some very positive things for yourself.

Reeper I am so proud of you doing these things and talking to us, your GP and also Samaritans, while you wait on the waiting list for further treatment.

Sorry I was not available yesterday, you did so well holding on and reaching out to sources of help and support and I'm so glad of the other folks who have been here. Well done throwing out some excess medication too.

Keep on talking. We,your doctor, and the other sources of support are always here. I believe also that if you ever got in danger, I think if you walked into a hospital, someone would at least sit with you or stay with you for a time, something like that to keep you safer.........?

Extra hugs to you.......


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## Cat Dancer

Thanks for sharing the snail pics. My daughter LOVES snails. 

Also I'm proud of you for hanging in there and getting rid of some of the meds, but I think it's important to throw the rest of them away. That's such a loud statement to those suicide voices in your head. That's saying NO. That's what I have to do. Say NO over and over. And over and so many times over.


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## GDPR

thereeper said:


> I have thrown some away!



Ya know,I'm really glad you're talking here.It has me thinking about the stash(es) I have hidden away in various places throughout my house(and even ones I forgot about until reading this thread).

I like what Cat Dancer said:



> That's such a loud statement to those suicide voices in your head. That's saying NO.



I think I am going to throw mine away. Maybe if I get rid of them my thoughts won't 'go there' so easily.

I hope you throw away the rest of yours.....


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## Lonewolf

Thanks everyone! Im afraid its the same struggle just a different day!! Sorry I don't have anything positive to say but Im still here! Mostly from taking to my bed and avoiding reality!! My reality! Need a hug, just can't let anyone near enough! Its breaking my heart to hear all of these kind words!! It really hurts! I do appreciate them, honest! its difficult for me to believe sometimes! It seems easier to cope if people are nasty!!


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## TrustMate

Reeper,

I know it's hard to get rid of those hard feelings in a day, two, or more. Nobody rushes you, and it's always good to take one step at a time in order to be secure and make sure you won't go down again.
I really liked the post # 43 from Steve. He's absolutely right: you have to put up all your power together in order to take control of your life. Avoiding reality won't help if you take a look at it in the long prospective, making positive changes to it and becoming the master of your own life will. 

I know it might be hard to concentrate right now, but try to think a little about the way you'd want your life to be in the future, what you would want to do, and what steps you would take to achieve it. We are here to help as much as we can.


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## Lonewolf

I can't make plans for the future cos I don't see one for myself!! It's hard enough to face the day!! I know you guys encourage us to have an aim, a goal! I just don't have one!! I have to take it one step at a time!! I don't expect anyone to understand this!! People often ask me where I want to be i'm 2 or 3 years time, all I can say is that I may not be around in 2 or 3 years time!! Sorry, I know no one knows if they will be here  next year!  I  know that, but most people have goal in life- I just don't't!! No reason to take up space and oxygen!! No reason at all and if I could have a say in being born or not, I wouldn't!! I really wouldn't't!! But I was given a life sentence when I was born, it's up to me to decide how long my sentence will be!!! Sorry!!


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## TrustMate

You don't have to plan so long as 2-3 years from now. Make a small achievement - plan just for a day or two. Take that step at a time you're talking about. 

We're all different, Reeper, and as you said before, it's always easier to expect negative from people, in order not to get attached and stay in our own bubble, not changing anything. 
All the things that we are saying to you here aimed not to pressurize you. Those words are said because there are those who care and don't want to leave you alone in this situation.


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## Lonewolf

mg::facepalm:

---------- Post Merged at 04:47 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:24 PM ----------

sorry!! I've been asleep for a few days, unfortunately woke up!! Thankyou for being there!!


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## forgetmenot

Glad you got some much needed sleep  and hope that you can now continue to reach out ok   hugs


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## Lonewolf

I don't think I have anything left to make me sleep, lol!! I really don't want to be awake!!! thanks for the very appreciated hugs!! x


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## forgetmenot

reeper please  go to hospital  call crisis line now ok  please i don't want you to suffer anymore hun  If you took to many pills  there will be damage hun so call crisis line or get yourself to hospital  please promise me ok

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You there hun please know that you are someone  and that they will help you not be so sad ok  just call crisis line  or the hospital  you are someone hun ok please don't give up yet


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## David Baxter PhD

Reeper, forgetmenot is right.

You need to take steps to keep yourself safe, whatever that involves.

Call a crisis line. Call the Samaritans. Call emergency services. Anything to keep yourself safe.

Suicide Resources

1-800-SUICIDE* US and Canada

1-800-273-TALK US and Canada

1-800-799-4TTY (4889) Deaf Hotline US and Canada

Australia and 17 other countries Lifeline International: 13 11 14

United Kingdom Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90

Republic of Ireland Samaritans: 1850 60 90 90

*Befrienders International Support*

Befrienders

Befrienders listen to people who are lonely, despairing or considering  suicide. They don’t judge them, don’t tell them what to do. They listen.  That may not sound much - but it can make the difference between life  and death.

People who feel suicidal are often so focused on a particular problem or  pain that they find it difficult to see a way forward. Talking openly  to a befriender, in a safe and confidential environment, can help.

By listening to a suicidal person, a befriender helps them to listen to themselves.

Befrienders Worldwide ​
Thinking About Suicide? How To Keep Yourself Safe

*What can you do if you are feeling suicidal? *
The beginning of the way out is to let someone else in. This is very  hard to do because, if you feel so desperate that suicide seems to be  the only solution, you are likely very frightened and ashamed. There is  no reason to be ashamed of feeling suicidal and no reason to feel  ashamed for seeking help. You are not alone; many people have felt  suicidal when facing difficult times and have survived, usually  returning to quite normal lives. 

Take the risk of telling your feelings to someone you know and trust: a  relative, friend, social service worker, or a member of the clergy for  your religion. There are many ways to cope and get support. The sense of  desperation and the wish to die will not go away at once, but it will  pass. Regaining your will to live is more important than anything else  at the moment. 

Some things that you can do are: 



call a crisis telephone support line,
draw on the support of family and friends,
talk to your family doctor; he/she can refer you to services in the community, including counselling and hospital services,
set  up frequent appointments with a mental health professional, and request  telephone support between appointments, ? get involved in self-help  groups,
talk every day to at least one person you trust about how you are feeling,
think about seeking help from the emergency department of a local hospital,
talk to someone who has 'been there" about what it was like and how he/she coped,
avoid making major decisions which you may later regret.


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## forgetmenot

Reeper  i can  say honestly i have talked with Samaritans and Befrienders and they help ok  they do   Also called a crisis line a few times  someone there got me grounded and help me hold on   Family members  get them to take you to doctors  Do what ever it takes ok  to not harm yourself again
 Please Use some of the options above  that doctor Baxter has given you     I care about you ok please stay safe  no more giving up
i do understand the sadness i do  but like i said  lets not pass on the the sadness ok  let us get help to finally get rid of it


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## MHealthJo

I care about you too Reeper and I hope you will keep yourself safe....

We can't make the best decisions when we are so very upset and hurting....

Hugs to you Reeper, let someone help to keep you safe, until you are in a place where you can know the options you truly have in life.......


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## Lonewolf

Im so stupid, I still can't do it right! Im still here!!! I took myself off to the group tonight and I totally lost it with a member of staff, she actually told me I frightened her because of the way I was behaving and I really didn't mean to scare her! I would never get nasty with anyone! I wouldn't!! I've just made things 100% worse (if that is possible!) I just couldn't hold on to these intense feelings anymore and I really wish I could have controlled myself better! Im so angry, im no good at anger! I can suppress it a bit when im out! (until tonight) Now im worried about tonight on top of everything else!!! why does it never end?


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## forgetmenot

I am sure the staff member has encountered this before  so i hope staff is able to help you manage these intense bottle up feelings   You apologise for frightening her and ask her to help you  cope in a better way  help you to control your outburst ok  
No use worrying ok  just do something so next time in the same situation you won't do the same thing  hugs


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## David Baxter PhD

thereeper said:


> Im so stupid, I still can't do it right! Im still here!!!



Good! There's a reason you were put on this earth. Try to find that reason instead of trying to avoid it.


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## MHealthJo

I am sure she can use some empathy to think of the strong difficulties that group members might be struggling with, and she used her ability of letting you know her feelings too. She looked after her needs and rights by doing that.

You can let her know your reaction was not intended and you are sorry next time you see her. It is most  likely she will accept that and see the positive in that. Often makes it pretty easy for many people to forgive, and often forget all about it or put it out of mind.

(Even if not, you will still be able to hold your head high that you did the right thing and you took that positive caring action after your difficult moment.)

What a good opportunity to practise a moment of compassion toward your own humanity too.... in being a human with difficulties and negative moments like we all have...... apologising for a negative moment,  but knowing you still have a right to be there and to keep going along the path. Practising seeing that you can still be accepted and cared about even after having a negative moment, and even when like anyone else you have trouble spots and room to grow.

This way you can turn a negative moment into a practise of positive things, and you grow a little bit  every time you do that.  xx


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## GDPR

thereeper said:


> I just couldn't hold on to these intense feelings anymore and I really wish I could have controlled myself better! Im so angry, im no good at anger! I can suppress it a bit when im out! (until tonight)



There have been many times I haven't been able to control myself,especially at work.I always really beat myself up afterwards,but when I go back and apologize the next day, I'm always amazed at how forgiving others can be and how much a sincere apology can turn things around.

What's even more amazing to me is how much better it makes me feel. It feels like the end of the world when I lose control,and it's such a relief to realize it's not.


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## Lonewolf

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! Why am I fighting it? who am I fighting it for? what am I fighting it for? When is it ever going to end? How long do i have to keep struggling? Is it even worth it? (cos it doesn't feel like it is, to me!!) Does anyone really give a hoot whether im here or not? (answer-no!!) I wish I could just turn off!! What did I ever do that was so awful to be punished like this? I must deserve this!! The punishment usually fits the crime, so what did I do?? mg:


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## forgetmenot

i would CARE  ok   and you did NOTHING to deserve the sadness you are in   nor did any of us  it just  is what it is      You are fighting because you want to live  you want to find that peace     One day it will come ok  so you just keep holding on   you take each day and get through it best way you know how    hell take each minute and just get through them


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## MHealthJo

We do care if you are here Reeper!

And I would find it very hard to believe that friends and acquaintances you have around you would not care.

Nope, sometimes feelings that happen do not fit any 'crime' - they are just very hard feelings that happen.

 It is not fair........ but there it is.......

But if we give it enough time and work, sometimes there is some sort of meaning or purpose we can find in the aftermath....... Victor Frankl style..... 

In the end we can find some way through our suffering and turn it into something........

The most important thing is to just keep remembering not to 'turn it back on ourselves'.......

This is tempting, because our minds are tempted to try to "make the world make sense".

But not everything makes sense in that sort of simplistic way. Maybe there is some sort of abstract thing we can't grasp, but we just must not take that temptation to believe suffering is always deserved or the sufferer's fault somehow. xox!


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## Lonewolf

Im afraid to say that when I am having a hard time the people around me seem to disappear, keep their distance!! I don't know, maybe I turn green or something??mg:

---------- Post Merged at 04:29 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:03 PM ----------

Its ok. ive taken some steps and if it's meant to be, it will be!!! deeply sorry, I guess im not as strong as I shoud be!!! time will tell now! I aplogise!!


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## forgetmenot

What is meant to be  only you can make things happen  only you can reach out for the support that is there.  Call the hospital crisis line use the list Dr Baxter gave you and get support ok   the people dont  disappear  we push them away   Time to stop pushing them away reeper time to call and get help ok


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## Lonewolf

I've done it!! thanks for your support!! its gone too far this time!!! I apologise for wasting your time!!  thanks for everything!!! what will be, will be now!! i just wait now!!!


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## GDPR

What have you done?

Please be safe,please keep yourself safe.


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## forgetmenot

If you are still talking to us then it is not to late you can type your words here you can phone crisis line and get help  so do it  ok


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## Lonewolf

I can't tell you it might go against the forum rules!! feeling nicely drowsy now!!! thanks for asking, appreciate you all caring!!


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## GDPR

What has happened that makes you feel this is your only option?


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## Lonewolf

there is no other way I can stop it all hurting anymore!!!


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## GDPR

Whether you like it or not,I'm hoping you don't succeed.


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## forgetmenot

You can stop it  you can you have control to reach out for support to help you stop the pain  only YOU can do that so pick up phone and call for that support  call crisis line now or get someone to take you to hospital


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## GDPR

thereeper said:


> I've done it!! thanks for your support!! its gone too far this time!!! I apologise for wasting your time!!  thanks for everything!!! what will be, will be now!! i just wait now!!!



I hope that you survived this and will be able to come back and let us know that you're okay.I worried all night about you.


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## Retired

Let us hope this attempt did not complete and that Reeper can find the resources to to take back control of her life.

There is no such thing as a successful suicide because suicide is not a successful solution to any problem.

We all have problems in our lives, and it is up to each of us to reach out to our support system, and if there is no immediate or obvious support system, then there are professional resources such as the doctor, the therapist, the Emergency Department of the local hospital, local Crisis Hot Lines, Good Samaritans, Online support venues like Psychlinks...you are never alone, despite feeling loneliness and feelings of hopelessness.

There may seem to be reasons for dying, but in moments of clouded thinking, the reasons for living may not seem apparent.  That is why reaching out is so important for someone contemplating suicide....to be able to see the reasons for living.

For every problem, there is a solution...and suicide is never the solution, because suicide is permanent and solves nothing.

There are much better solutions, but they must be tried.

We hope Reeper will come back to the Forum so we can look at other options for her safety.

*If anyone following this thread feels they have been affected by Reeper's statements, please let us know how you feel, so we can discuss it.*


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## forgetmenot

Reeper  i feel sad  because i know what it is like to feel hope is all gone

  Each time we push past that pain  those thoughts  then next time we say we got through last time we can again.

   I do hope you listened and got help ok  i know that step is very hard  but i called crisis and they talk to you until your mind is calm again
i also use Good Samaritans  they allow you to talk freely without fear of judgement   so use them too ok 

Please let us know you are ok  We do care about you  and if you left then you have affected us all

  i am sorry we could not support you the way you needed the support 

We are not professionals we cannot help you  do you understand  YOU and only you can do that by talking to your doctor by calling for help when in crisis 

we care we will listen  try to show you different options  so please  if you are ok let us know


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## Cat Dancer

I care and am hoping you are ok.


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## Lonewolf

have just woken up!! unfortunately!!  Apologise!!


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## GDPR

Well I am GLAD you woke up and I hope you can find the help you need.


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## Retired

> have just woken up!! unfortunately!!


*


No Reeper, fortunately you are alive!! *  You have been given the precious gift of life and it is far too valuable to be squandered.

If you have not already done so, dispose of the materials and instruments you used in your suicide plan, now.

The next thing you need to do is to contact your doctor or therapist to let him/her know you made a suicide attempt.

This is a critical time for you to make some decisions about your life.  If you want to get out of this debilitating situation you're in, then you will have to begin doing some hard work.

I believe you joined a support group at one time, did you not?  How's that going?

There are important reasons to live, and you need to make it your job to discover those reasons, make the changes in your life so that you can regain control over your life.

Perhaps a first step might be to change your username to something other that Reeper, which in itself is just plain negative and identifies you with death.

If you would like to make that important first step, send a private message to me or to Dr. Baxter, and we would be pleased to make the change for you.

Associate yourself with life, with beauty and hope for the future.

You deserve better than what you are offering yourself right now.

There are people here who care about you and have been worried for your welfare.  If there is nothing else in your life, think about those wonderful people you have met here on Psychlinks, who care about you....and make them your reason for living.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe until you can contact your doctor or therapist?


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## Lonewolf

I don't really know what to say to you all!! I wish I shared your enthusiasm for the future, cos I honestly don't and haven't done for a very long time!! I understand that most of you see life as a gift and to many people it truly is, but for me-it is a constant struggle, even breathing is an effort at times! I apologise for being so negative, but I didn't ask to be born and sincerely wish I wasn't!! I am here although I wouldn't wish my horrid existence onto anyone else!! I know that some people think that life is what you make it, so did I ask to be abused and raped for most of the life Ive endured so far!! The images that flash through my head almost all of the time are horrific! Im alone with them, in my head! If I was a wounded animal that was too damaged to have any sort of life, wouldn't you rather it be put to sleep, than have it suffer!!! 
I hope that someone understands!!


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## forgetmenot

OK we do understnad ok  but you are able to get treatment  therapy to make the thoughts images go away   you can get well again  you can heal  but it takes work ok from you  it takes time    You can get well you are not too damaged  hun   You can regain the power back that was taken from you   please know that


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## GDPR

thereeper said:


> I hope that someone understands!!



I totally understand.

But honestly,things CAN get better.I'm not just saying that to make you feel better either.Forgetmenot is right,it does take both time and work.

I'm not going to lie,I don't feel 100% better,even after over 3 years of therapy,but I _am _starting to have more and more good days.My therapist told me just the other day that after that much abuse,it takes a long time to heal. 

The images that flash through my mind are horrific too.I wish they would stop,but I'm not sure they ever will.All we can do is learn how to manage them,learn how to live despite them.

I really am glad you're okay and you're still here. And I hope someday you will feel the same.


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## Lonewolf

im signing out now, ive lost all of my words!! Thankyou for listening!!


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## forgetmenot

i lose my words too hun  just remember we are here ok  so no need to fight this alone  hugs to you


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## Retired

> If I was a wounded animal that was too damaged to have any sort of life, wouldn't you rather it be put to sleep, than have it suffer!!!



I would respectfully submit your analogy is faulty.  Your example conjures up thoughts of an animal in some form of physical distress, where,_ in the context of an animal_, *not a person*,  euthanasia might be the humane option.

In your case, we are talking about mental illness issues that are generally treatable, and long gone are the days when people with mental illness were warehoused in sanatoriums or left to die...no, we've come a long way from there, but you need to make the choice, albeit a very difficult choice, given the tragedy of your history, to get the help you need to allow you to make changes in your life.



> I hope that someone understands!!



Oh yes....I think just about everyone who has taken the time and effort to respond to you on Psychlinks understands, to some degree,  the pain you have experienced.  Perhaps not due to identical circumstances as your personal tragedies, but most of us have had to deal with some form of tragedy, disappointment, pain due to a variety of causes, some from illness,  some from abuse, some from other forms of crime, some from illness or death of a loved one, perhaps from the suicide of a loved one....loss of home, loss of a career, loss of dignity..the list can go on and on.

_The resilience of the human spirit is remarkable despite incredible odds and unimaginable tragedy._

Think of the people in various parts of the world who endured natural disasters like hurricanes, floods fires, tsunamis... to come back and rebuild their lives, their homes and their cities.

You can especially take inspiration from the people who endured, survived and prevailed following the worlds worst tragedy, the Holocaust.  I have had the good fortune to have known scores of people who rebuilt their lives following the unimaginable tragedy, personal harm and loss as a result of the Holocaust.

My point is that, as despicable as the events were that damaged your life in the past, there is still hope for you, but you must take the needed steps to make those changes happen.

I believe you have taken some of those steps since you joined us here on Psychlinks, and you are to be commended for your effort.

Perhaps you experienced a setback, that led you to this current crisis; but setbacks are part of the healing and therapeutic process.  We are not machines, but emotional beings who are affected by our thoughts and emotions as we make progress toward healing.  There may be more setbacks in the future, but by learning from each setback, you will be strengthened to meet and overcome the next.

As I stated earlier, I would urge you to make a couple of  simple changes in  mindset to allow your thinking to start looking toward healing and toward the gift of life.

I, personally will no longer use your current username which I feel uneasy about speaking or writing, but will call you "R" which in my own mind will make me think of you as being "Revitalized".   

Your current Psychlinks username identifies you with death, and I believe if you expect to modify your thinking about yourself you need to break away  from associations with death and defeat.  Change your name to something neutral or better still something positive and hopeful.  By doing so, you might be surprised at its effect on you.  People tend to become what they associate themselves with.  

Secondly, remove that quote about lemons and refunds in your signature, and adopt something that might shine a hopeful light on your life.... I believe                 _Hope is the Fuel of Life, because Hope is the Great Motivator_.




> I didn't ask to be born and sincerely wish I wasn't!!



None of us "asked to be born" but when we came into this world, we were given the gift of life, and with that gift came a _responsibility_ to maintain that life to the best of our ability, to do the best we can with the resources we are given, and to not take anything for granted.

Most of us have experienced tragedy and sorrow, and with a lot of hard work, dedication and resilience we got through it, with the help of others, often medical professionals who provided us with the care and compassion we needed at the time.

I would urge you, R, to take responsibility for your personal gift of life you have been given, seek out the resources that can treat your emotional and psychological injuries, do the work required to manage your symptoms and look toward better days ahead.

The past is the past, and it is part of who you are....but you are alive today and you prevailed over the terrible things that happened to you.  You had tragedy in your life, but the tragedy does not have to have you.  You can make the choice to regain control over your thoughts and your feelings....and that, R, is your reason for living. With modified thinking, although the past may linger in your memory, it will take in less and less significance, because you can be in control of your thoughts, with the help of your therapist.

We're here to provide the support you might need during this process.

I hope you will allow me us to call you something more meaningful than "R" when you are ready.


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