# It's bad



## butterfly88 (Oct 5, 2008)

it's so bad
i just want to die - not kill myself - but just die


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## Into The Light (Oct 5, 2008)

how strongly are you feeling this right now? are you on medication? are you seeing a counsellor?


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## butterfly88 (Oct 5, 2008)

it's very bad
No meds
No therapist
I think it's time for both
i can't do this anymore


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## Into The Light (Oct 5, 2008)

ok, it sounds like that will be the first thing to do tomorrow. call your doctor and make an appointment to see him asap. tell them it's urgent.

as horrible and awful as you feel right now, *this will pass.* i've been there and many others here have been there and you can get through these feelings, just keep hanging on.

i don't know where you live but you could look up the local suicide hotline in your phonebook and call them, just to have a real life person speak with you and help you through this.

this post can help as well: When you feel you can't go on - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help  & Mental Health Support Forum
and check the stickies in this forum: Suicide - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help  & Mental Health Support Forum


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## Daniel (Oct 5, 2008)

BTW, regarding hopelessness (which, along with other negative thinking, tends to build up over time unless treated):



> When you are depressed, you may have a tendency to confuse feelings with facts. Your feelings of hopelessness and total despair are just symptoms, not facts.
> 
> The conviction of hopelessness is one of the most curious aspects of depressive illness. In fact, the degree of hopelessness experienced by seriously depressed patients who have an excellent prognosis is usually greater than in terminal malignancy patients with a poor diagnosis. It is of great importance to expose the illogic that lurks behind your hopelessness as soon as possible in order to prevent an actual suicide attempt.
> 
> Feeling good: the new mood therapy - Google Book Search


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## butterfly88 (Oct 5, 2008)

i can't explain this - 

I've been here before - at the bottom - the first time I was forced into out-patient therapy was when they released me after my suicide attempt.  The second time I was in university so had access to the PhD candidates to by my therapist. 

But I am paralyzed here.  i can't do it.  I've been spiraling for 2 years - and haven't found a way to get myself help.

I feel like if i do then that will mean that I really do have a problem - and that the only way to fix it will be with meds

and even though i can't take the feelings of self-loathing
and the feeling that everyone is talking about me behind my back and judging me
and the feeling that i am one big f***ing failure
and the feeling like my heart is going to explode and my stomach will erupt when i have to do something social
and the feeling that if i could drown in my own tears I'd already be dead
even though i don't want these feelings anymore - they are all i know
what am i without them
who am i without them
i don't know myself and yet i f***ing hate myself

and i want help but i don't want help cos i just don't want to need help


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## Daniel (Oct 5, 2008)

> and i want help but i don't want help cos i just don't want to need help



Part of it is probably internalized stigma.

In actuality, you really have nothing to lose, IMHO, and a significant amount to gain from going back to treatment.

Regarding medications, most people with depression don't have to take them for life.  It's not that big of a deal once you get started, and you are in control the whole time.


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## Into The Light (Oct 5, 2008)

needing help is not a sign of weakness. reaching out for help is a sign of tremendous strength. you can do this and you can re-discover yourself. you are someone even without those feelings. they may feel like they define you, but they don't. 

getting help is scary but it is also an amazing journey.


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## Daniel (Oct 5, 2008)

And another issue is that depression causes symptoms of withdrawal, which is another reason getting treatment is proactive rather than a sign of weakness or whatever.  

(And I think in all of human history, few humans have lived completely without the help of others as even social interaction is helpful.  This is even more true in modern society, e.g. few people grow all of their own food, etc.)


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## ladylore (Oct 5, 2008)

Thank you for saying something Butterfly. When I told my doctor how bad it really was it was a relief. Something could be done about it and it wasn't "me".

Let us know how the appointment goes with your doctor. Getting a therapist who does long term therapy will definitely help too. These things don't happen over night so it does take a bit to take care of them.

Great Job!:2thumbs:


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## imans (Oct 5, 2008)

true love is what support a self in his struggle to adjust himself in a living reality, because love is the true justification of self existence reality
what a conscious cares for is it real support what matter than, is to realise objectively the reality of his interests alive to consider himself living means being real


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## Retired (Oct 5, 2008)

> No meds
> No therapist
> I think it's time for both



I agree, Butterfly...this would be the time to call your family doctor, visit a drop in clinic, your local Hospital Emergency Department and explain how you are feeling.

It's very difficult to overcome these terrible feelings of hopelessness by yourself, and your idea is correct, to get help.

Do you have a family doctor you can call?

If you cannot get an appointment immediately,  visit your local ER or mental health facility.

Also, check your local phone directory for a local crisis line and call them for help.  Volunteers are on duty to help you and point you to resources in your local area.

If you cannot locate a crisis line easily then call:

(800) SUICIDE  (800) 784-2433   or  (800) 273-TALK  1-800-273-8255

TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889


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