# Anyone know how to deal with anger from a sibling when confronting them doesn't work?



## HotthenCold (Oct 14, 2012)

Hi there,

I have anger issues, and a huge trigger/source of anger, as I see it, is one of my sisters. 

I have two older sisters, one of whom is a junkie and gone to the world who I have given up hope of ever seeing alive again, and the other is the one who makes me the angriest, go figure.

She has extremely distressing behaviours and attitudes towards me.

Before I go any further I should note that I have long ago given up confronting her with these kind of concerns. This is because I have tried in the past, many, many times, to confront her in the calmest and most honest way possible. This has always resulted in either verbal/emotional abuse immediately or at some time in the future. She never takes an honest account of herself when confronted about this stuff (flakiness, controlling behaviours, preachiness, selfishness) and almost always turns it around on me or becomes abusive or both.

She consistently behaves in very flaky and controlling ways towards me. She will ask me to do small favours for her that are small enough that saying no to one makes me look selfish, but are distressing because of how often she asks them of me. 

She is generally very thoughtless with a lot of things pertaining to our relationship. If I say anything she usually just claims it's because she's too busy or something similar. For example, she has been telling me all week to come to her boyfriends house for brunch this sunday. She even reconfirmed yesterday. Then today no word from her telling me to come over. She hadn't given me a time to arrive, so I was expecting her to text or call and tell me when to come over. She hasn't sent word all day, as if she never invited me. I'm not surprised because I expect to be let down by her. 

Another example is from when we were teenagers and lived in my parents house still. I would constantly keep finding my tooth brush in the shower after she had used it. I NEVER brushed my teeth in the shower, and she did, so I knew it was her who did it. Every time I confronted her she became abusive. Even when I told her how hurt I was that she kept on doing it after I had asked her not to, and how hurt I was that she never apologize but instead became abusive, she kept on doing it, almost more diligently as if to say "I am your older sister, you will submit to me"

It's hard to really convey how consistently controlling she is, but in small ways that are hard to detect to an outsider.


The tricky part is that in the face of all this crap, which I've long ago given up dealing with with her, we've tried to become better friends. We hang out more, and I have gone to her for help a lot in the past year because she is the only one in the family I can talk to about some things. I know I've just gone on about how terrible she is, but there is a lot of good there too, which is why I want to get past this anger toward her because I want to have a better relationship.

Since I have gone to her so much and shared my struggles with her, she know is ALWAYS giving me advice or policing what I say and filtering it through her spiritual dogma. It is has become maddening to share anything with her now, and I have stopped sharing much of significance with her because I can't stand the lecture I get. As if because I asked for help a lot of times, she is now unable to stop treating me like an ignorant, wounded animal.

There are so many aspects of her personality that drive me insane, and that I don't see going away ever, so how do I deal with the rage I feel toward her?

Any tips?


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## AmZ (Oct 15, 2012)

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry things are the way they are for you with your sisters. I wish I had more advice to give. However, I'd really recommend following any replies you get on here because I think there are people that can help you work through this. 

Friends come and go but family are forever and it'd be sad to see you lose your relationship with this sister too. 

I wish you all the best.


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## MHealthJo (Oct 15, 2012)

Sorry you're having a hard time with your sister. As Amz says it is wonderful to have some sort of semi-workable relationship with some family so I think it's great that you are seeing good things there too, and that she is interested in seeing you and is showing that. It's hard to say much about your situation though without some insight from a diagnosis and a therapist's insight, etc, though...

I have one question: Does it strike you as a little odd that on the day of the brunch, you wouldn't consider calling HER if you weren't sure what time to come?

Did you not ask during any of the other conversations? Did you ask but she wasn't sure what time until the day? Did she say she'd call on the day to tell you?

On the day she is probably very busy doing the event, and  wondering why you are not showing up nor making contact! Maybe the word "brunch" has an "implied" time to show up?? midmorning? late morning? Maybe she thought you would know roughly when to come?

I do not know enough about you, your sister, or past events, obviously... Without knowing those things It's hard for anyone to gauge in this instance what is going on with you feeling let down by her not calling you on the day? Hard to say without knowing all about your situation....

Hmm, as we chatted about in another thread, it is a very good idea to do some longer-term therapy with one skilled therapist you can stick with. It's great that you seem quite open to that. Some insights and realisations will only come out that way. Sometimes, until our doctor knows a great deal about us and how we tick, there may be even be new diagnoses (for ourselves, OR those close to us, which the therapist can notice the possibility of). It's very, very, very common, and not shameful or a "failure", to discover a diagnosis that helps us understand what is going on more fully; or for quite a lot of people, to end up with multiple diagnoses. One look at various other psychiatry/psychology forums on the web and you'll see thousands of people have quite a list! A diagnosis is simply a tool:

1. providing insight and understanding for us (and those around us if we can develop the skill of explaining well what things mean, and if others listen!); 

2. providing direction to the therapist in what to work on first; what obstacles we are likely to have; what tools to use with us; and also very importantly

3. providing some direction for ourselves in what books we could start reading, etc (in addition to what our therapist recommends).

The more knowledge we have about exactly what we are dealing with, the more we can ask and answer the right questions about what we are going through, such as, "What is going on here? How much of this (example situation or feelings) is him/her? How much is me/my challenges? Should I be trying to interact differently with the other person here? Or is this where I need to understand the role my challenge is playing? Is it transference? Am I actually angry at this person, or is there something connected with the past going on?...."

Don't forget also (which I forgot to add) the power of fully understanding the role of another person's issues that they may have going on. Knowing more about what is going on in that others can help us to know what tools we could use in interacting with them and how to use them; why our previous attempts haven't worked well; or, in other cases, knowing when to let go of certain things in another person that our role can't necessarily change. (And how to learn to do that, if that's the situation.) Stacking up our knowledge helps a great deal in that area, too.


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## W00BY (Oct 15, 2012)

I too have given up on my sister,

I couldn't watch he destroying herself with drink and drugs and living with men who thought it was okay to punch her about.

I went to a psychiatrist who quickly illuminated the fact that so much dysfunction and control and substance misuse within my family may in fact be genetic disposition to bipolar disorder amongst other things and I was myself diagnosed with Bipolar. It helped me to understand that my family are all struggling with the insecurities and issues I have BUT that I deal with mines in a healthier way. 

I speak to none of my direct family for the reason you highlighted above, the subtle, unsaid, yet still powerful weapons close family members with issues can use to bring you down and really hurt you on a level no one can without even really saying anything specific. 

I know to this day if I was in the same room with either my father, mother or sister they would be able to stab at me emotionally without anyone else in that room even knowing what was being said.

I have found as I have began to understand myself better and worked on building the life and relationships I would like to have, that a natural outcome of this has been that I understand my families dynamics better without carrying all the anger and resentment any more.


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## HotthenCold (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks for your thoughtful replies people!

MHealthJo: Ya, I could have called her, but for various reasons I didn't. I supposed anger at her not being thoughtful enough to realize she hadn't told me when to come over and rectifying the situation might have played a role. Also, I absolutely hate being seen as needy so I didn't call to ask why she hadn't told me to come over. Also, she's kinda flaky and has a history of not following through with plans with me as if she never made them.

I'm going in to seem my family doc about a referral to a psychiatrist on the 29th. All this craziness is too much! 

I hope you are right and I am able to gain some helpful insight in to the workings of my mind so I can find a place of happiness and peace!

Cheers

HTC


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## MHealthJo (Oct 15, 2012)

Good for you. Making that appointment is another great step you've taken.  In the meantime, if you get frustrated or want something to chew over during the interim, I guess why not point you to my "absolutely must-read for everyone at some point in time" list.  Which I am tired of parroting on about like a broken record, so I  will go and write it in the blogs section when I have the energy over the next few days, so once I've done that I can just link there. Gosh I'm clever.  

Good luck with it all!


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