# Depressed



## Cat Dancer (Nov 21, 2009)

I am struggling with bad depression right now. I am trying to keep myself busy when I'm not holding the little one, but I just feel like what I do in life doesn't matter and it isn't making a difference to anyone. I am sad that I didn't do with my life what I wanted to do. I can't go back and I feel like I can't go forward. I am not suicidal though, just really, really hurt and sad and depressed. I wish I could be on medication right now, but I can't and I know that is making a big difference. 

How does one come to terms with a wasted life and try to make a new life?


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 21, 2009)

I'm so sorry you're going through that CD.  But your life does matter, to many of us. :hug::hug:  Are you still having therapy sessions?  When is your next one?

And by the way, feeling that you haven't accomplished anything in your life - that's just your depression talking CD.  I can name at least a couple of beautiful things that you've done very right.   And how do you deal with it? - you keep moving forward, you don't look back.  We've all made mistakes in our lives.  But you learn from them and you try not to repeat them again.  And you just keep moving forward as best you can and enjoy even the smallest joys - the smile on your child's face, the smell of baking bread, seeing a couple that's really in love, etc...you focus on all those little beauties...


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 21, 2009)

i am sorry you are feeling like this right now. that sounds so painful and hard to have those kinds of thoughts and feelings. there are things you have lost and they need to be grieved :hug: i also want to leave you with the thought that it's never too late to change your life for the better. you won't be able to undo the past and that is a huge loss and very sad, but you can still change your future. your future doesn't have to be a continuance of your past.

:hug:


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 21, 2009)

I am sending you some support to CD know it is hard somedays and glad you can reach out here for that extra help. When feeling really low just look at your little ones and know their love is there unconditionally  This will help you through rough patches   Hope you feel better soon. :cat3::hug:


----------



## Andy (Nov 21, 2009)

Cat Dancer,

This I can relate immensely. 

I do know that taking care of a child is one of the hardest jobs if not the hardest job there is. In my opinion that is hardly a wasted life and it does matter and makes a huge difference to that little one. I look up to people who are able to raise children, and I am not just saying that to try to make you feel better. 

Is there anyway you can maybe do a little bit of something towards what you wanted to do? Slowly work at it? Even if it's not the full thing for now, you could at least enjoy doing some of it. It's never to late. I saw a story about a senior on the news a while ago who was receiving a diploma at 82 (or somewhere near there). 

Anyway, I hope your depression lifts a little more each day so that you are able to see the light. Not that light! The light bulb light, where you can see just how important your life has been,is, and will be.  :support:


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 21, 2009)

Even if it were true that you had accomplished nothing (and I echo what other have said above - that simply isn't true), you're far too young to be talking about a "wasted life". You still have most of your life ahead of you. If you're unhappy with the life you've had until now, there is plenty of time to change it.


----------



## coatbridge (Nov 21, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:
			
		

> How does one come to terms with a wasted life and try to make a new life?



I am sorry for your struggle and do hope you are feeling a little better. I too have felt like this so many times.  Depression clouds our thoughts to a point we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and there is one.  I can say this now having thought last year I wouldn't see this summer that I would end up taking my own life or end up in a psych ward.  But I am still here attending school and in the process of looking for a work placement in my field of accounting, a place I never thought I would be.

There is hope, try to think about this when you are tempted to dwell on the past.  You cannot change the past but you do have choices for a better now, even if it's only one minute at a time.  I know it's not easy, the tendency to dwell on things that should have or could have been lures us into the downward spiral.

I was listening to a motivational speaker recently and what he said really hit home with me, as I'm so good at ruminating.  He said "Don’t allow those negative images, pictures, thoughts to play on your mind. You have the remote control – change the channel.

One of my social workers (I did have quite a few) said that I simply lack some essential skills which can be learned.  

Take care
:wave4:


----------



## Cat Dancer (Nov 28, 2009)

I am trying so hard to be ok. I felt a little better for a couple of days, but today I feel so hopeless. It is such an awful feeling. It's like I can't breathe almost. I will hang on. I will keep going. I will, but it is so hard sometimes. I don't understand the fact that I can feel better and then so much worse.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 28, 2009)

CD, do you have an anticipated time frame for resuming medications yet?


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 28, 2009)

I am sorry you are not feeling the best today CD and hope these feeling go away soon. It is hard i know when you want to feel better but just can't some times. I hope distractions can help you keep your mind busy. Call your doctor as well anyone just to talk and maybe help you cope.  take care i wish i could be more supportive just not good place so i understand where you are at  Hope you feel better soon.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Nov 28, 2009)

No, I don't. I've been trying to implement a little exercise into my life and I'm hoping that will help. I do need the medications though. I am also not self-harming or letting myself think about suicide (much) so I think the therapy is helping. It just seems like sometimes it's unbearable.  I miss the Klonopin. I'm at a point of being totally ok with taking meds and I can't take them. mg:


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 28, 2009)

> I am also not self-harming or letting myself think about suicide (much) so I think the therapy is helping.



It's definitely working. Try to remind yourself of this at times when you feel low, CD. This is a clear measure of progress and hope, and you should be proud of having accomplished this, especially in the absence of any medications.


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 28, 2009)

CD, I'm so sorry that you're struggling.  I understand it, I just wish that you weren't. :hug::hug:

Can you think of anything special that you can do for yourself right now?  Something that you would really enjoy?  When I'm struggling, I usually try and find that one thing that I would normally enjoy and force myself to do it....

:support:


----------



## Cat Dancer (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks everyone.

Jazzey, that's a good idea. I am really wanting to get out somewhere today. I don't know where, lol, but somewhere. Maybe just the dollar store? If I can get Abigail to go with me.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Nov 28, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:


> Maybe just the dollar store? If I can get Abigail to go with me.



Give her a dollar and tell her they have toys.


----------



## Banned (Nov 28, 2009)

Therapy is definitely working, CD.  We all see such growth in you.  It's impressive.

You'll always have good days and bad days - that's just part of life.  Sometimes I think recovery means never having a bad day again, and that's just not realistic.  You can't have meds right now, but definitely stick with therapy...


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 28, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> Jazzey, that's a good idea. I am really wanting to get out somewhere today. I don't know where, lol, but somewhere. Maybe just the dollar store? If I can get Abigail to go with me.



Woo-hoo!!! Dollar store - go for it CD.   Nothing like retail therapy to put a smile on my face.  I think this a great idea for both you and Abigail today - go out and enjoy it.   :hug:


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 28, 2009)

sending you lots of hugs cat dancer :hug::hug: i hope you make it out to the store today


----------



## unionmary (Nov 28, 2009)

Most importantly, you know that you are cyclical,,,,good moods come, bad moods come,,,so accept each one, hell, you know it is gonna change.

Knowing it is temporary makes it easier to ride out the storm.  A day by day approach to life is what you gotta adapt to at present.  Take each day as she comes. 

Baby steps!!  Don't look much beyond tomorrow, just deal with what's on your plate.

It is working for me right now,  and I sure hope it can work for you.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Dec 1, 2009)

I just feel so defeated. I know it's my thinking that's faulty at this time, but it's so hard to fight and I'm tired.  It hurts so much inside. This time of year is too hard.


----------



## Into The Light (Dec 1, 2009)

sending many hugs to try and help you through this :hug::hug::hug:


----------



## forgetmenot (Dec 1, 2009)

It is hard CD but you are strong and can get through this. A SAD light has worked  if you don't have one it does seem to ward of some of the depression. I hope you bought lots of neat stuff at dollar store the other day. That store is the best.  Also sending you support CD you are so strong dealing with this:support::hug:


----------



## Jazzey (Dec 1, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:


> I just feel so defeated. I know it's my thinking that's faulty at this time, but it's so hard to fight and I'm tired.  It hurts so much inside. This time of year is too hard.




Yes, this time of year is always hard, for many of us.  My favorite part of this time of year - young children.  You have that, CD...Just keep focusing on those smiles.  After that, everything always seems to fall into place.  

I know, easier said than done.  I'm currently trying to get my Christmas baking done...It keeps my smile on my face.

As others have said - some days, it really is baby steps.  Tomorrow, I'm going shopping for toys for my godchildren - that'll be my smile for tomorrow...

:hug:


----------



## Banned (Dec 1, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:


> I just feel so defeated. I know it's my thinking that's faulty at this time, but it's so hard to fight and I'm tired.  It hurts so much inside. This time of year is too hard.


 
I wish I could make it all better for you, CD.  I really wish I could.  I find this time of year really hard too.  

What about curling up and watching a nice, comforting movie?  With a big mug of hot cocoa and a bowl of buttery popcorn.  Just lose yourself in a great movie...laugh with it, cry with it...I often find it helps to take my mind off stuff, even for a little bit.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Dec 1, 2009)

A movie is a good idea. I have a ton of movies that I've never watched. I'm not sure why. 

We did get to the dollar store the other day. I do like the dollar store.  It is good to get out. 

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get the Christmas decorations out and put up some lights. I want to enjoy this time of year and I'll for sure act like I do for Abby and Josh. I hope they won't be able to read my hurt though.


----------



## Banned (Dec 1, 2009)

Wow, CD.  You are a FABULOUS mother!!!  You are working so hard to break the cycle...making sure Abby and Josh have a good Christmas, despite your own internal feelings...putting their wants and needs ahead of your own.  THAT'S what being a good parent is all about...you are phenomenal!!

Dollar stores are fun.  Where I used to live, I'd drive about an hour to go to a really cool dollar store, where they had tonnes of great stuff.  I often forget about them (especially since Walmart is so convenient!).  I'm glad you got there.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Dec 5, 2009)

I am really, really depressed today. I don't know why I can be okish and then so depressed. I have dark thoughts and it's scary and even more depressing. I'm tired of battling all this. I know life is up and down. I'm not sure what normal up and down is though?


----------



## Andy (Dec 5, 2009)

I'm sorry Cat Dancer. :support: I don't really know what to say. I do hope that you feel better though. :support:


----------



## forgetmenot (Dec 5, 2009)

Hey sorry your moods are up and down  mine too.  I have just been wrapping Christmas gifts with daughter trying to keep mind busy.  Have you got any Christmas gifts that need wrapping yet.  I usually put on Xmas songs while i wrap it makes it go easier.  I hope you can find something CD to bring you back up again  sending you HO HO HO spirits take care.:x):santa:


----------



## Cat Dancer (Dec 5, 2009)

Thanks.  I need to do some Christmas decorating. 

I'm not sure what my goals are. I've never really not been depressed so I'm not sure what I'm trying to get to. 

It just hurts so much. I want to turn to cutting right now.


----------



## Andy (Dec 5, 2009)

Cat Dancer said:


> It just hurts so much. I want to turn to cutting right now.



Turn to decorating instead. It will leave you much more satisfied and for longer when it's all over and done with. :goodjob:


----------



## Cat Dancer (Dec 5, 2009)

You're right.


----------



## unionmary (Dec 5, 2009)

Awwwww Catdancer, and what a happy dance you do!  Try real hard to see the good, there is a lot of good in our world,,,sometimes we just forget that.

Go outside and breathe deep, look up at the stars, the millions of zillions of sparkling lights in the sky and know that you are kinda just a speck in the whole scheme of things,,,but a speck that matters big time.

Life is good hun, your illness is just making yah lose track of that, it gets easier.  It has for me, and it can for you!  This I know is true!


----------



## forgetmenot (Dec 5, 2009)

I hope you don't cut CD try getting some decorations out and get your little one to help decorate  Cut out some paper angels that use to make my kids happy and string them up all over house okay just keep busy keep distracted.
Maybe go Christmas shopping get out of the house a bit.  take care


----------



## Cat Dancer (Dec 14, 2009)

I don't know. I am just so depressed. I know it's partly SAD, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I am just sick and tired of dealing with this most of the time. It's frustrating.


----------



## forgetmenot (Dec 14, 2009)

I hope you feel better soon as it is very difficult especially looking after little ones Maybe put some favorite christmas music on  take care.


----------



## unionmary (Dec 14, 2009)

I found when things got real bad for me, I tried to help someone else!!  When you can make yourself useful, that always make YOU feel better.  

Kinda selfish reasons, but it is a win win situation all around, right?


----------



## Banned (Dec 15, 2009)

It's hard being depressed at this time of year, when you look around and others seem so happy.  Depression is never, ever fun.  It can suck you dry and leave you feeling hopeless, which feeds the vicious cycle.

I can only echo what the others have said here, Cat Dancer, but I wanted to let you know that I read this and am thinking of you.  I hope you feel much better soon.


----------

