# Abstinence Buddies Support



## HotthenCold (Sep 6, 2008)

Sweet! 
It's great to hear some other people are down for the cause.
Well, I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks. Not much, but I'm really working to be conscious of my need for a clear mind every day. I have been trying to convince my self I'm going to go a year without booze, with the idea that if I don't miss it after that time I'll give it up for good. 
It's tough to think that I would be done with drinking, given the amount of pressure there is to drink where I live and in my age group. Though the resentment I feel towards someone elses thoughtless expectation that I should get "totally wasted" with them because it's a "good time" gives me fuel to do what's right for me.


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 6, 2008)

*Re: Abstinence Buddies?*

good for you! :goodjob: just take it one day at a time. don't try to think ahead too much. each day that goes by without a drink is a bonus. you could start a counter or something and write it on your calendar too


----------



## ladylore (Sep 6, 2008)

*Re: Abstinence Buddies?*

I wanted to let you know that this thread is a great idea Hotthencold - its your baby, so to speak. :cool2:

Two weeks! That's great Hotthencold. :goodjob:

I find that even after 2 yrs of sobriety and clean time it is still an conscious choice at times. When I am under stress my thoughts go to I wish I could..., or nobody would know... Then it is a choice to do something else instead of drinking or using. I am proud of you.


----------



## boi (Sep 6, 2008)

thats great hotthencold. 2 weeks is great.
I dont know what age group you are in but I do understand the pressure to use esp when you are young. I quit heavy drugs a long time ago when I was 19 and with that no alcohol either and everyone around me was drinking. I know it can be difficult. This time round I quit weed and that was quite a challenge because everyone seems to smoke it. I've managed to stay away from it for about 4-5 months. Well done!! and like Into The Light says one day at a time.


----------



## ladylore (Sep 6, 2008)

Way to go Boi! :yahoo: It is one day at a time.


----------



## HotthenCold (Sep 7, 2008)

One day at a time is right, even one minute at at time sometimes.
Thanks for splitting this into a new seperate thread Ladylore.
I was at a friends house yesterday after class and he wanted me to drink. Told him I didn't want to and left early before the party started. Kinda felt like I might be missing out on a good time with friends, but I can't deal with the fact they can't just let my sobriety be what it is...if they pester I'm just gonna leave. When you think about it, it's so random to make a big deal out of someone not drinking. 
Also didn't hit the bong...was tempted but ended up not. It makes me so anxious and scared. Why I ever smoke pot is a mystery to me...boredom I guess.:jiggy:


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 7, 2008)

awesome hotthencold! :goodjob: you did great  besides, being around a bunch of drunken people isn't a whole lot of fun when you're sober. so i'm not sure you missed all that much to begin with


----------



## ladylore (Sep 7, 2008)

HotthenCold said:


> Thanks for splitting this into a new seperate thread Ladylore.



Your welcome HC.


----------



## HotthenCold (Oct 9, 2008)

Update...still no drinking. It's definitely a record for me since I began drinking.
I've had to say no a few times to people, and it's funny what a big deal it's been with some of them. The judgements people seem to make...even if it's only detectable in the tone of their voice or the way they say "OH yaa, you're not drinking..." to imply that I think I'm superior or just a lame-o. 
The thing is, I enjoy being a lame-o. It means I get to be comfortable by controlling my surroundings (i.e- not going to bars to hang around with insecure, volatile people), plus I don't have any pressure on myself to appear cool, or smart, or with it, or anything that requires approval from others. Not that I'm dressing in burlap sacks and shunning society over hear, but I couldn't care less if someone thinks less of me for failing to follow the group...
I'm definitely feeling happy that I can control something..for the longest time I've felt that my locus of control was beyond me for most aspects of my life, and most troublesome, that I couldn't count on myself to stick to a goal or accomplish something. Now I feel like I'm gonna ride this out and see where it takes me, I have a feeling that being sober minded will save me a lot of heart and wallet ache.
Just a little self congratulations to keep the thread alive 
:kick::kick:


----------



## ladylore (Oct 9, 2008)

:dance:  :thewave:  :dance:


----------



## healthbound (Oct 10, 2008)

Way to go HotthenCold!!!
I stopped drinking over 2 years ago.  I stopped because it was making my depression worse and was drowning out any small bits of sanity I had at the time.  I still don't know if it's forever, but my it certainly has helped dramatically so I continue not to drink or use drugs.  So, congrats and great idea to support one another!


----------



## HotthenCold (Oct 10, 2008)

Thanks Healthbound, 
I know what you mean about "I don't know if it's forever". But I find that not setting a strict goal of "Forever" relieves the stress I have about the impossiblity of controlling behaviour far in to the future. That's not to say I wouldn't like to be sober my whole life, just that reducing it to a day to day frame of mind seems to work much better, since I can work on my frame of mind, but not on future situations or temptations. 
Right now I'm just telling my self that I'm going dry for a year, and taking it one day at a time, with the "option" to resume drinking small amounts if I go a whole year, but in the back of my head I'm thinking "I'm gonna go my whole life", but it's not something I'm bound to (and can therefor fail at or spend time worrying about failing at).
Also, it's kind of a fun challenge in a sick way, to see how much I can build my character by telling people I don't want to drink when people are mindlessley "getting-their-party-on" and are pressuring me to drink, even if only with a slight comment. It's a way to learn new ways of feeling comfortable being myself and doing what's right for me, and avoiding that damn impulse to please people and follow people.
:roll:


----------



## healthbound (Oct 10, 2008)

Well said, well said and well said


----------



## ladylore (Nov 8, 2008)

Hey Gang. 
Checking in to see how you all are doing. How is the recovery process going? What tools have worked the best for you in keeping you on track?

If you are having difficulties, this is a great space to share those too. 

Have a great day.


----------



## healthbound (Nov 9, 2008)

Hey ladylore.
I'm not struggling with alcohol or drugs, but I am seriously fighting food (sugar in particular) right now.  It's weird because food seems so insignificant (in terms of being damaging) when compared to drugs, alcohol or mental illness, but it really seems to be a massive issue for me right now.  I don't know if I have an eating disorder or if it's more of an addiction or just my using another substance to avoid reality or what...but I'm really struggling.  Struggling to talk about it too.

Anyway, I'll go post in the eating disorder area too.

How is everyone else doing?


----------



## ladylore (Nov 9, 2008)

Hey Healthbound,
You have made an excellent point. I have been reading (still) a book called "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts". Most of the book is about addictive _behaviour_because addiction is all about subtance abuse. Basically even after someone gets clean and sober the most work comes in when dealing with all the behaviours around the addiction.

I have had my struggles with food too and still do at times. For me its has to do with self worth, sometimes control. But other times when I am under stress food turns me off - instead of it being appitizing it goes in the opposite direction.

What I still deal with is the isolation. Its a hard thing to break. 

Thanks for the post.


----------



## healthbound (Nov 9, 2008)

Hey LL.  I still battle with isolation too.  My isolation seems to be fueled by my faulty thinking around food and my body though.  Sometimes (a lot of times) I turn down social invites and stay home with chocolate and a movie.

But beyond that, I have found that since I went into (and came out of) my major depression, I experience a lot of anxiety about being around people.  This is extremely problematic since my job requires me to deal with people all day long.  I often avoid my key responsibilities because of my anxieties.  Then, of course, I feel guilty and start in with the negative talk to myself which seems to propel more crummy behavior.

What about you?  What propels your isolation and how are you able to overcome it sometimes?


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 9, 2008)

the last 6 months or so i have developed a bad habit of eating too much chocolate or cookies, i find i do it to comfort myself in a way. i'd like to stop snacking on those kinds of things but i don't know how else to get the comfort something sweet gives me. 

do you find it's more than needing comfort?


----------



## ladylore (Nov 9, 2008)

When I first became clean and sober I felt that I had lost my only and best friend. So that kind of comfort was hard to let go of. But, what you are talking about ITL may be a bit different as we all need comfort.



> do you find it's more than needing comfort?


For me ITL, yes. And I am dealing with it again at the moment. My therapist suggested spirituality for when I don't have the answers to give over to something greater then me to help me come up with an answer - if there is one.

To help with the sweet tooth, and I have one too   you may want to trade in one thing for something healthier. Say chocolate for darker chocolate or bake yourself a sweet potato. Not the same but it does help. 



> What about you? What propels your isolation and how are you able to overcome it sometimes?



When I was using it was that I didn't want anyone to find out what I was doing and that I was afraid of people. I still deal with anxiety but not to the extent that I use to.

What propels me out of isolation is my need for contact. I need my space but as I have gotten healthier I want to be around people more and more. That is when I am feeling ok and my head isn't doing any of the PTSD stuff.


----------



## healthbound (Nov 9, 2008)

> do you find it's more than needing comfort?


That's an interesting question.  Kind of yes and kind of no.  I think I over eat because I think it will comfort me.  And it often does - but only momentarily.  Similar to how drugs or alcohol used to work for me.

Before I over eat, it feels like I am completely compelled to eat.  I am completely obsessed with the cake (or whatever it is) and can't think of anything else.  It's weird, lol.  It is all consuming and I think I will die if I don't have it.  It's very much like a physical addiction.  And it may be at this point since the foods I over eat contain a lot of sugar.

But even beyond the physical addiction to sugar I think my need or obsession with sugar is a decoy to my reality.  If I am constantly thinking/obsessing about cake or chocolate bars then there is little (or no) room to think about or experience anything else.  If I am either constantly on a very restrictive diet or over eating then I become all-consumed with those activities and cannot focus on any other area of my life.  If I tell myself that I am "too fat" to go outside then I focus on fat rather than other potential reasons for not wanting to face people.

I used to drink to very consciously become unconscious.  During the later part of my drinking I was in a serious depression and wanted to die.  I knew that alcohol could accelerate the process.  It is similar with food (although food seems a bit more passive).  I know if I continue to abuse the kinds of food I chose, I will most definitely cause harm to myself.  Maybe it seems easier to focus on my physical problems rather than my emotions.  I have seen evidence of self harm with food in the way of malnutrition, potassium deficiency, iron deficiency, rapid increase in weight or rapid decrease in weight and depression.  Diabetes is on both sides of my family.  And I battle depression and anxiety -overeating and sugar in particular are terrible for regulating moods.  So, like booze, cake is another way to avoid living or experiencing life and to self destruct.  If I am constantly dealing with health issues, I don't have to deal with emotions or other current realities.

I spent some of the afternoon reading a portion of It's Not About Food by Carol Emery Normandi and Laurelee Roark.  It talked about eating to deny emotion.  I'm glad I read it because I realized I was caught up in obsession for food instead of perhaps recognizing the obsession as a possible decoy for other things I might be trying to avoid.  Like emotions.  Or action I might need to be taking in other areas of my life etc.

So, I guess I'm kind of answering my own questions.  My behavior is the same regardless of whether I'm using alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, food, dieting, relationships, work or even art.  It seems, for me, I need more practice and patience with staying present and allowing myself to experience myself and life just as it is.

Geeze...who knew something so simple could become so complex!!!!


----------



## ladylore (Nov 9, 2008)

> Geeze...who knew something so simple could become so complex!!!!



That is why there is no quick fix for addictions and that therapy/help of some kind is needed. It's been just over two years for me and I still deal with cravings, sometimes obsessions and an urge to self-self medicate so my stronger feelings are blunted.

Addiction is very complex.


----------



## healthbound (Nov 10, 2008)

Hm.  True.  But interestingly after reading what you wrote, I think I realized that I don't take addiction as seriously as I should.  Maybe part of my denial mechanism?  I think mental illness is extremely serious, but for some reason I don't see addiction as extremely serious.  I know that's distorted.  Maybe because, for me, I believe addiction is a result of my challenges dealing with my thoughts and emotions, so I see it as secondary or something.  But it could be argued that the addiction causes my anxiety and depression rather than the other way around.

I guess it's not really important to know whether the chicken or egg came first.  What IS important is that I deal with both the addiction AND mental health issues since they seem to be interrelated to each other.

Even just reading a bit of that book today has helped me feel a bit more in control.  I am trying to "get grounded" periodically throughout the day.  It's helping break my seemingly automated cycle with food today.  And whenever thoughts of food or fat enter my mind I am asking myself how I'm feeling and telling myself I'm ok exactly as I am.

I also bought "no sugar added" cookies and chose to eat them instead of sugar filled ones.  So, for today I have abstained from sugar.  At some point, I'll have to figure out whether I need to learn balance with sugar or abstain from it.

Thanks for posting LL, I'm grateful to have an opportunity to talk about this today


----------



## amastie (Nov 10, 2008)

Yes, I can relate 
Thanks,
amastie


----------



## ladylore (Nov 10, 2008)

Your welcome HB. 

In my neck of the woods addiction is considered and treated as a mental illness.


----------



## healthbound (Nov 11, 2008)

It is?  I suppose it is in my neck of the woods too since we're not too far from each other.  Aaaaand I just looked at my appointment card from my therapist  (Coastal Health) which reads, "Mental Health _and Addiction Services_".

But I guess that just suggests that they treat both mental health and addiction ...not that they are the same.  Related, but not the same.

I think I perceive my issues with addiction to be secondary to the core issues which resulted from genetic predispositions to mental illness, familial upbringing and a few traumas along the way.  But by thinking this way, it kind of makes it difficult to really admit and deal with any addiction head on.  I ask myself, "If it's  _really _a mental health issue then I don't really belong in a 12 step program and don't need to get a sponsor or a home group etc".  I often feel like a fake when I go to meetings.

But after having said that, I'm still moving forward by going to meetings anyway.  In fact I was at one tonight.  And tomorrow I will be checking out my first 12 step meeting that deals with food.  I am especially looking forward to that one.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I am hijacking this thread.  It's supposed to be about abstinence.  Mind you, I AM trying to abstain from sugar and abstain from eating in a way that hurts me.  So maybe it's not as hijacked as I think?

Lemmie know if anyone wants me to break it off into a new thread and I (or any of the other mods) will 

Regardless, thanks for the feedback and the opportunity to process through some of this - I very much appreciate it.


----------



## ladylore (Nov 11, 2008)

Your not hijacking at all Healthbound. 

I see addiction as secondary too because life event led up to the addiction. I deal with PTSD, before it was diagnosed I dealt with the symptoms the only way I knew how. Or at least the way I knew would give it a respite (at least I thought).

I went to a 12 step group for the first year and a half. Its a great starting off point so I wish you the best of luck.   I have also checked out SMART Recovery and they are cool as it doesnt deal with only drugs and alchol. Draw back is is that all the meetings are in Vancouver.


----------



## healthbound (Nov 12, 2008)

I haven't heard of SMART.  I'll definitely have to look into that.

I was clean and sober for 7 years before my sister took her life.  I got sober at a very young age, but my use of drugs and alcohol escalated very quickly.  I became very preoccupied with mind altering substances the moment I was introduced to them.  I was young and wasn't aware of any other ways to cope with the bizarre things that were going on at home or the sad things that had already happened.

By age 18 I was in high schools doing presentations about drugs, alcohol, dropping out, running away, crime etc.  By 19yrs old I got pregnant, by 20 I had my son, by 21 was able to break away from my son's father (abusive relationship), and by 22 I was back in college going for my social worker degree and working.  And at 23 my sister took her life (after calling me to say goodbye, and me rushing to "save" her but not getting there in time).

I felt guilty because at the time I was "saving" a bunch of kids I didn't even know and studying to "save" more people but couldn't even save my own sister.  Argh. Just thinking about it brings up emotions.  Anyway, I couldn't handle my grief and guilt and also became suicidal for the first time.  I remember just wanting to be where she was.  I remember feeling extremely upset because I didn't know where she was and therefore I couldn't be with her and I couldn't protect her.  I always felt very protective of her and intervened on a number of occasions when she was in danger in the past, but couldn't do that this time.

And that's when I started drinking again.  I had been taught that "to drink is to die".  And that's exactly what I wanted...so I got back into the sauce.  Luckily, like you ladylore, I was diagnosed with PTSD and did 8months of full time intensive therapy to treat it.  After that, I got a job and things were OK for about a decade.

But then I entered a second major depressive episode, complete with suicidal ideation again.  This time I was a bit paranoid and didn't tell anyone (which is NOT something I recommend or will repeat if I become suicidal again).  I was scared, I'd be hospitalized and "they" would take my son away.  To me, it was completely unacceptable that I was suicidal.  I _knew _how suicide affected those left behind.  It was hard to accept I might leave my son to deal with the repercussions of my self induced death.

But after about a year, I finally told a doctor and was immediately referred to therapy.  I believe that was over 3 years ago.  (It was also around that time I started using psychlinks -I valued being able to process with other people anonymously).  I'm still seeing the same therapist on a weekly basis.  I find it more helpful than anything I've tried before.

I actually didn't drink much during my second depression except near the end.  And by the way...depression, suicidal ideation and booze do NOT mix well.  Alcohol made my depression worse and only distorted my thoughts even more.  It also drowned out what little rational thoughts I had left.  Eventually, I ended up getting "arrested" very early one morning (after a good 15 hours of drinking) while attempting to take my life.  I was hospitalized (and then escaped and was hospitalized again...but that's a whole other story, lol!) and never drank again.

I stopped drinking because it enhanced my destructive side.  It took me to the bridge...because of my depression and preexisting condition.  Not because I believe I am an alcoholic.  I have no idea if I am or not.  I just know that I'm terrified of experiencing another major depression and I'm extremely grateful the police were called the night/morning I was tried to take my life.  I NEVER EVER want to experience that again.  EVER.

Wowzers...I think this is the first time I've told this story in its entirety.  Kinda feels good to get it out.

I rambled again, haha.  What I intended to say was don't really feel like I fit in at the 12 step meetings because I feel like my core issues are what they refer to as "outside issues".  But at the same time, I like going there because there are people who are working towards growth and I find that supportive.  My son is graduating this year and is driving on his own now so I have much more free time.  I want to work on developing some healthy and supportive friendships and thought the program would be a good place to go.  I still think it is, I am just having trouble feeling like I really fit in there.

Thanks again for the opportunity to process.  I'll try to keep it shorter next time, lol.


----------



## white page (Nov 12, 2008)

Hi ,
Just to say how much I admire you all for talking openly about your addictions and facing up to them .
wishing everyone success in overcoming them. I know what immense courage it takes .


----------



## ladylore (Nov 12, 2008)

Thanks for sharing that HB.:hug:  Goes to show you that one never really knows what another person has gone through. I'm glad your on a healthier track these days.

I tell people I am in recovery - not that I am an addict or alcoholic, just in recovery. The maddening thing is I never knew what symptoms were caused by the addiction and what was PTSD related. It's alot clearer these days (some days).

Then I had to go through another proccess about the difference between legitimately needing medication versus drug use.  I take an SSRI now and probably will need to for a long time. But if that is what will keep me from going into an extremely dark place - so be it.

:friends:


----------



## amastie (Nov 12, 2008)

Hi HB,

far from your talking too much, you help me can by your sharing.  I wonder how you can go through *so* much with such enormous courage.  How much you have endured!

My own running away from difficulties, also resulting from trauma, are still not resolved though I continue to see an excellent psychiatrist as well as a counsellor.  I suppose that we can only work at the level that we can.

My addiction is not alcohol but food but I also experience suicide ideation and the overeating, like the alcohol, helps to make that worse because it’s like giving in.

But I have never been through the death of my sister by suicide, not have I been through so many of the terrible experiences that others here have endured.

I honour your experience, your strength, your value as a human being 

:flowers:

amastie


----------



## healthbound (Nov 12, 2008)

Wow -thank you guys for the wonderful words and support   It really felt good to "get it out" and then to read your responses.

We all have our own struggles and stories.  That's why we're here .  And we're all trying to improve our lives in some way shape or form.

I like what you said about being "in recovery" ladylore.  That makes sense.  I'm also on medication and am totally OK with it.  I will most likely have to be on it for the rest of my life and that's just fine with me as long as it's helping keep me alive and functioning 

amastie -I also struggle greatly with food.  In fact, my problems with food are greater than my problems with alcohol in terms of addiction.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have a problem with food.  And there is also no doubt in my mind that I am addicted to certain foods.  I can't really say the same about the alcohol though (as you've read).  I quit the booze because it was making my depression worse.  

But the food is different. And actually, THAT is what I am truly struggling with at present.  I don't know the best way to deal with the problems with food.  It's completely different.

Anyway, thank you all again.  It's significant to me that I feel safe enough here to even discuss these things


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 25, 2008)

I'm going to join this gang - determined to get healthy all the way around.

I fell off the smoking cessation wagon today - back on it first thing tomorrow morning.

I haven't had a drop of alcohol in days (four) (and I've removed all the alcohol from the house...)

Also considering AA, if I can stop talking myself out of it...


----------



## ladylore (Nov 25, 2008)

4 days is great Jazzey! :yahoo: For the smoking, you have the right attitude. Get back on the horse so to speak. :goodjob:


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 25, 2008)

Thanks Ladylore! :thankyou2:

Determined to not make a bad situation worse...

Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement!:airkiss:


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 25, 2008)

good job jazzey :goodjob: :yahoo:


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 25, 2008)

Thanks ITL - and thank you to you too for your support.  I've done a lot of thinking over these last few days - Thank you.:flowers:


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 25, 2008)

you're welcome. glad you're feeling at home and supported here and that we've got you thinking


----------



## healthbound (Nov 25, 2008)

I know I'm a bit late, but just wanted to add my cheer for you too Jazzey!  Way to go!  



> I fell off the smoking cessation wagon today - back on it first thing tomorrow morning.



I think that's the best part of beginning a new day every 24hrs...we get to try again


----------



## amastie (Nov 26, 2008)

It's great Jazzey.  It takes courage and each day counts.
Each moment counts.
:high5:   :flowers:
amastie


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks Healthbound and Amastie...I read your posts first thing this morning and, it reminded me to keep going - good job.


...."oh yeah, I can't smoke today....":rules:


----------



## ladylore (Nov 26, 2008)

How can you celebrate your success in a healthy way Jazzey?


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 26, 2008)

Hi Ladylore - I hope that you know that I was just teasing you and Healthbound - my intention was to genuinely thank you for your support, and not admonishing you for reminding me.  I've been in a bit of a punchy / jokey mood lately.  That's how I express affection at times. 

But, I will answer your question - tonight, I will celebrate my success with a long hot bath, a little Jazz playing in the background and some lavender candles by tub side! :heart:

...Again, I apologize to both you and Healthbound if my post came off the wrong way - self-expression is not always my strong point....:red:


----------



## healthbound (Nov 26, 2008)

No apology needed!!!  jokes are welcome   and necessary    express away!

How is your day going today?


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 26, 2008)

Hi Healthbound!

My day is doing great.  No liquor, no cigs (although thinking of both of them!  )

How about you?  How does the trek to health find you?
===============
And thank you!


----------



## healthbound (Nov 26, 2008)

great to hear jazzey!  congrats!

i'm struggling with binging on sugar and chocolate lately.  i'm very frustrated about it.  sux.  feel outta control.  i'm reading a couple books about eating disorders plus i bought a twelve by twelve (12 steps) and have been reading that.  still struggling tho.  guess i'll get it at some point tho, lol?

anyway, running out the door...
bye and congrats again on being booze and smoke free!!!!!!!! yahoo!!


----------



## ladylore (Nov 26, 2008)

Jazzey said:


> Hi Ladylore - I hope that you know that I was just teasing you and Healthbound - my intention was to genuinely thank you for your support, and not admonishing you for reminding me.  I've been in a bit of a punchy / jokey mood lately.  That's how I express affection at times.
> 
> But, I will answer your question - tonight, I will celebrate my success with a long hot bath, a little Jazz playing in the background and some lavender candles by tub side! :heart:
> 
> ...Again, I apologize to both you and Healthbound if my post came off the wrong way - self-expression is not always my strong point....:red:



No need to apologise. Sounded great to me and your plan sounds even better.

:hug:


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks Ladylore - I'm pretty excited about my plan too - don't typically take the time to do this.....

take care,
===============
Hi Healthbound - just discovered your post - don't know how I missed it earlier...

Sorry to hear you're struggling with the sweets  - been there / done that! LOL

I also struggle with other obnoxious foods (fatty).

Lately, whenever I am tempted by the sweets, I make a pot of green tea - the real stuff (the leaves).  There are some good ones out there.  Recent studies suggest that they are really good antioxidants AND they curb the sweets rampage!  (caveat emptor - don't know how good the research is but, I do find it helps me....)

Somewhere on this post, I also someone suggest sweet-potatoes - that helps too.  Except, I do sweet-potatoe fries...mmmm...slice it really thin (like chips), put in a large bowl, depending on the amounts, a dash of olive oil (eg.  for three pot/oes - I would put about a tblsp), some paprika, some pepper (and salt if you want - I don't), oregano, basil and thyme (dried).  Place the slices on a baking sheet - oven at 450.  You can decide on when to take them out, I like mine crunchy - about 20-30 minutes.

...it does curb the sweet addiction....

Good luck Healthbound!  Supporting you all the way! :2thumbs:
===============
..and the fries keep if you store in an airtight container in the fridge (I've kept mine for many days).  They're my snack at work....
===============
...I'm sorry everyone...I fell off the wagon tonight ('bout an hour ago - 7PM).  I'll start over tomorrow....I just wanted to be honest about it all.
===============
...Sending all of you a lot of strength and support in your commitment to get / stay healthy! :thewave:

And thanks again for being supportive of mine....still on that path everyone.


----------



## ladylore (Nov 27, 2008)

I keep a list of things to do until the urge/craving passes.
Eating does help but most importantly - protien.
Calling a friend
Jigsaw puzzle....It can go on from there

There is the HALTT principle too. Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Thirsty. 
I keep close tabs for all of these things for myself because they do lead to cravings.

Most importantly, I eat breakfast. A small one but mainly of protien. Helps level out the blood suger for the day. When I skip breakfast all hell can break loose in my body. Not a great feeling.

Hope you don't mind - just a few more ideas.


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 27, 2008)

Great ideas Ladylore!   I've also learned recently (article) that when you don't eat bk, it could lead to diabetes later on in life....something to mull over.


----------



## amastie (Nov 27, 2008)

ladylore said:


> I keep a list of things to do until the urge/craving passes.Eating does help but most importantly - protien....


Me too, ladylore  Protein always leaves me more satisfied for longer so I don't get hungry as quickly.
amastie
===============


healthbound said:


> great to hear jazzey!  congrats!
> 
> i'm struggling with binging on sugar and chocolate lately.  i'm very frustrated about it.  sux.  feel outta control.  i'm reading a couple books about eating disorders plus i bought a twelve by twelve (12 steps) and have been reading that.  still struggling tho.  guess i'll get it at some point tho, lol?
> 
> ...



I feel for you healthbound, know what it''s like and congratulate you on all your great effort 
amastie


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 29, 2008)

...Celebrated 1 week, 1 day without alcohol today by going and buying all of the trimmings to decorate for Christmas (minus the tree which i'll get tomorrow)..this will be the first time in my adult life that I've decorated my home for Christmas.

....Notice I'm being suspiciously silent on the cigs... (still working on it though)


----------



## amastie (Nov 30, 2008)

That's wonderful what you've accomplished Jazzey!
:cheers:
(and good luck with the cigs  )
amastie


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

Thanks Amastie - determined to give them up...


----------



## Into The Light (Nov 30, 2008)

great job jazzey, keep it up :goodjob:


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

Thanks ITL!


----------



## amastie (Nov 30, 2008)

amastie said:


> ...:cheers:
> (and good luck with the cigs  )
> amastie



Dear Jazzey,

How awful!  I've just returned to this thread to find that my intentioin to include a smile which simply read "cheers" was in fact a picture of two people drinking (perhaps alchohol).  It was NEVER my intention to show that!  I've been finding that the list of smileys takes a while to load and have occasionally used an icon on the basis of its *name* before seeing it's icon.

I'm ***so*** sorry for such a totally inappropriate icon!!!

And I've only just discovered it.

May we consider that the the two friends are saying "Cheers" over a large mug of coffee or soda water?  .. whatever your preference.

Again, I'm soooo sorry.  It serves me right for not not waiting to see the icon first - though I've sometimes found that the pictures for many of the smilieys don't display at *all*.  I don't know why that is.  I know that I'm also made the mistake of using a Xmas icon to say somthing which is not what I had intended.

I truly didn't mean to be so *totally* insensitive.  I am totally flabergasted at my mistake.

I hope  you can forgive me for that Jazzey

:support:    :flowers:

amastie


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

..you never need to apologize to me for these things - there's absolutely nothing to forgive - first because I do actually have a sense of humour and secondly, because I'm the queen of "faux pas" (i've accepted this about myself - btw).

But thank you for your concern - it offered me my first laugh of the day! 

I did note, I cannot tell a lie, but I just thought it was funny - honestly.

And yes, they were two friends sharing sodas - :beer2::friends:
===============
...LOL....still laughing about it now....


----------



## amastie (Nov 30, 2008)

I think a person with not such a big heart would be so quick to forgive me 
Thank you ever and ever..
:friends:
amastite


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

...thank you, I'll take that compliment and run with it...


----------



## healthbound (Dec 1, 2008)

Congrats on the abstinence from alcohol Jazzey!  Way to go!!!  The cigs will follow when u r ready 

And thanks to you and to amastie for your encouragement.  I'm definitely still struggling with food.  And I hate it.  Sometimes I feel in control and other times I feel completely out of control.  It's a constant battle and it's on my mind 24/7.  My biggest struggle is the paradox between what I WANT to do and what I AM doing.  I want to eat healthy  and be healthy.  Eat in a way that nourishes me.  But instead I am eating in a way that makes me gain weight and hurting me.  Grrrrrr...it sux.

Then I try to counter my eating by going on a ridiculously strict diet but can only manage that for so long.  Some of the info I'm reading says I shouldn't abstain from any particular foods because that sets up a pattern for binging.  And then others suggest abstaining is exactly what I should do.

Then I get more confused and so I sit down and try to think it all over with a glass of water and a chocolate bar, lol!!!

Oh well...I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point.


----------



## amastie (Dec 1, 2008)

healthbound said:


> ..still struggling with food.  And I hate it.  Sometimes I feel in control and other times I feel completely out of control.  It's a constant battle and it's on my mind 24/7.  My biggest struggle is the paradox between what I WANT to do and what I AM doing.  I want to eat healthy  and be healthy.  Eat in a way that nourishes me.  But instead I am eating in a way that makes me gain weight and hurting me.  Grrrrrr...it sux.
> 
> Then I try to counter my eating by going on a ridiculously strict diet but can only manage that for so long.  Some of the info I'm reading says I shouldn't abstain from any particular foods because that sets up a pattern for binging.  And then others suggest abstaining is exactly what I should do.
> 
> ...



I *totally* understand 
Know that I'm sending my very best wishes for you to arrive at a resolution.  Don't know if it would help you, but when I can do it, so far the only thing that every helps me to lose the need to overeat is to do a meditation in which I take in a feeling of self-worth.  It means practising that feeling fror 10-20 mins two or three times a day.  There is something abou it that combats the thoughs that keep putting me down.  It also is practised after first letting go of all thoughts and feeling,  so the feeling of self-esteem comes into a quiet mind.  The only reason I can't keep it up is that I have a reaction to feeling positive about myself (a different part of the story..)

But  maybe a practic like this might help you too?

Heartfelt wishes      :hug:

amastie


----------



## Jazzey (Dec 1, 2008)

Thanks Healthbound 

As for the food issue, I don't believe in abstaining precisely because of the binging issue.  But, as we all know, it's the "balance" thing that we need to practice - balanced meal, balanced exercise program and good sleep.  

Oh well, just because we're adults and we know, doesn't mean we don't struggle in practicing it - I'm there with you Healthbound!


----------



## healthbound (Dec 2, 2008)

Thanks amastie and jazzey!

I had a better day today but still ate sugar.  I'm trying not to "freak out" about it and I see my therapist tomorrow so I know I will be talking more about it then.



> ...so far the only thing that every helps me to lose the need to overeat is to do a meditation...


Thanks for the suggestion.  I actually kept that in mind today.  I couldn't do any meditation, but I did use some positive self talk.  I am trying to separate the addiction/disorder (or whatever it is) from the part of me that wants health.  I'm associating the part of me that wants health with being an adult and the addiction/disorder as a younger part of me that has a difficult time seeing past the want/craving.  I dunno.

I also visited a few eating disorder sites last night and read a long long LONG list of health problems related to disordered eating.  Sadly, I have some of them.  There have been a number of seemingly sporadic health issues I've been struggling with for a number of years that are on that list.  I've had repeated tests done with no answers to some of my symptoms/problems (heart palpitations, potassium deficiencies, iron depleted anemia and pitting edema) ---but I think they could be caused by my behaviors with food.

Anyway, it helps to read information like that because it makes me more conscious which helps me stop unconscious eating etc.



> I don't believe in abstaining precisely because of the binging issue.


Makes sense.  Although balance and abstinence both seem impossible, lol!!!!!

It's bizarre because the advice is soooo conflicted.  Like...do I chose balance or abstinence?  How do I figure out which route is better for me?

I'll keep reading my book and posting.  It's been helpful just talking about it and hearing what you guys have done 

Thanks again and how are you guys doing??


----------



## Jazzey (Dec 2, 2008)

Don't worry too much about the abstinence / balance thing Healthbound-  you're doing a great job just thinking about it and being aware of your actions.  I think that sometimes, that's half the battle right there.:cheerleader:

I'm doing well - no alcohol (cigs, well, (sigh)  - I'll get there).  And now, I've also being a lot more careful about the things that I eat  - I've up-ed the fruit and veggies.

Keep going Healthbound - and good luck.


----------



## amastie (Dec 3, 2008)

Hi HB and Jazzey,

can't linger long right now.  Just wanted to check in with you both.

HB, I'm glad you can talk about it here, even when everything around the issue is just too much :lol:

Jazzy, congratulations!  .You're dong wonderfully  Every step counts.  Every one.

I honestly cannot talk about my food addiction because it's so tightly bound up in feelings of worthlessness  that I can't shift for the life of me, except when I can practise that meditation I spoke of, and that too is sabotatged.   Will get back to you both as soon as I can 

Take very good care,

amastie


----------



## healthbound (Dec 3, 2008)

hello abstinence buddies :laugh:
Glad to hear from both of you!  I ate crap again today, but am feeling more optimistic today.

I saw my therapist and talked about my struggles with eating.  She encouraged me to apply the tools I've learned to this issue.  Makes sense.  She said it sounded like I was struggling with splitting.  I feel pressured (self inflicted) to figure out what my problem with food is (ie: addiction, binge eating or bulimia etc) and then to figure out the appropriate solution.  This becomes complicated when there conflicting solutions for the problem - depending on which problem it is.

Awareness #1
So for example, I say to myself, "If I'm dealing with a sugar addiction then I need to go to a 12 step program and abstain from sugar forever (I know...I know...one day at a time, but I'm just telling u what my head says ).  But if I'm dealing with binge eating or bulimia then i should practice patience and stay away from abstinence because that fuels the binge and/or purge cycle".  And then I panic.  And then I eat a lot of chocolate.

Soooooo...I'm going back to the things I've learned in therapy over that past couple of years.  *Observe and practice being present.*  When I am present, I can better determine what choices are best for me at any given time.  Or more accurately, I can parent myself better, lol.  So for now, that could include getting off the sugar for a while.  It could also include re-introducing foods I deem "bad" (refined carbs, starch etc).  But rather than making any black or white decisions, practice paying attention to my physical, emotional and mental needs.  And then parenting myself in a way that helps meet those needs - just as I would do with my son.  I have no problem being an excellent mom to my son and ensuring his safety, security, health etc. ...but I do have a serious problem doing that for myself. 

Awareness #2
Today I realized that when I cut myself off from sugar, I also cut myself off from all processed/refined carbs as well as all starchy foods and veggies.  Which basically leaves me with protein and salad or steamed green veggies.  I wasn't aware I was doing that.  I can only handle eating like that for so long before I feel the need to binge again.  So maybe I do cut out the sugar for now, but I reintroduce brown rice or whatever.  Challenge some of my ideas around food and weight.

Awareness #3
My current actions to lose weight are actually having the _opposite_ effect and are making me _gain_ weight!  Until today, I had it stuck in my mind that the best way to lose weight is to avoid certain "bad" foods.  But my therapist pointed out that when I restrict myself so harshly (eg. completely removing 1 or 2 food groups from my diet) I actually _set myself up_ for a binge.  And I gain weight when I binge...so, it's feasible that I might have more success with weight loss by re-introducing banned foods.  Or at least beginning to think differently about them.

Anyway, I'm learning.  Struggles with eating are much different than my past struggles with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol.  Seems there are a few more variables and interesting complications that require me to bend my thinking in  new ways.

Thanks for listening 

PS...I'm also aware that my sister's death date is next week.  I usually experience an increase in fear and dreams/nightmares for the few weeks preceding it.  guess it kinda makes sense that i'd be reaching a bit more for comfort foods this time of year.


----------



## Jazzey (Dec 3, 2008)

I'm sorry for your loss HB - and you'll be in my thoughts next week .:hug:




> Today I realized that when I cut myself off from sugar, I also cut myself off from all processed/refined carbs as well as all starchy foods and veggies. Which basically leaves me with protein and salad or steamed green veggies. I wasn't aware I was doing that. I can only handle eating like that for so long before I feel the need to binge again. So maybe I do cut out the sugar for now, but I reintroduce brown rice or whatever. Challenge some of my ideas around food and weight.



...not to mention what this does to your metabolism   (that's what I was going to say and then you pretty much said it in your next paragraph..)

You need the carbs to make the machine work properly  - you can do without refined sugars though.

Looks to me like you figured a lot of things out.  I think this is a really productive step HB.  I'll join you on that path to better eating.  

You mention brown rice - when I get tired of the brown rice, I also enjoy whole wheat couscous - hmmm.

Good luck HB - I'm rooting you on! 
===============
Hi Amastie - Just saw your post - missed it before.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  You're a good inspiration Amastie - I'm saddened to think that, with all you offer, you still go down the path of feeling worthless....So, I'll tell you that you've been a good support for me and I'll encourage you right back Amastie!:hug:


----------



## ladylore (Dec 3, 2008)

Your self-awareness is fantastic Healthbound. 

One thing I have learned is that I need to replace what I have lost with a healthier choice. Without replacing what I needed to give up I just feel empty, lost and like I have lost my best friend.

I replaced Baileys with hot chocolate. Instead of heading to the nearest bar, I head for the nearest cafe (the one's that play great music). And you are right about the self-talk. I do watch what I say to myself and I have noticed that I have replaced 'I need to stop doing such and such' with 'this will be fun'.

I was also thinking about this - if you could give the sugar thing a form what shape would it be? What is it's texture? How does it feel tempurature-wise? If it could say something what would it say?

Putting a form to it has helped me tremendously. Then I imagine a light coming from the heavens and melting it away down into the earth to be recycled into something good.

I do this one for feelings, thoughts on a regular basis.


----------



## amastie (Dec 5, 2008)

HB,
wanted only to let you know that I am thinkin of you at this time.
I'm needing to be very quiet but will be back in touch when I can.
Hugs for now :hug:
amastie


----------



## healthbound (Dec 5, 2008)

> I was also thinking about this - if you could give the sugar thing a form what shape would it be? What is it's texture? How does it feel tempurature-wise? If it could say something what would it say?
> 
> Putting a form to it has helped me tremendously. Then I imagine a light coming from the heavens and melting it away down into the earth to be recycled into something good.


Hey - what a cool way to let go of something...I love that and will definitely try it.  Creative visualization works really well for me when I'm dealing with thoughts or feelings (although guided imagery for relaxation makes me anxious, lol).  Thanks for that suggestion.


> wanted only to let you know that I am thinkin of you at this time.
> I'm needing to be very quiet but will be back in touch when I can.


Thanks amastie, I appreciate it.  I haven't been reading many of the other threads so I don't know what's been going on with you...how come you are needing to be quiet?  Or maybe it isn't something you are sharing right now?

Regardless...hope you are ok.  :hug:

I really feel like I've been hijacking this thread...so, I've started a new topic here in the Eating Disorders section.


----------



## amastie (Dec 7, 2008)

healthbound said:


> ...
> Thanks amastie, I appreciate it.  I haven't been reading many of the other threads so I don't know what's been going on with you...how come you are needing to be quiet?  Or maybe it isn't something you are sharing right now?
> 
> Regardless...hope you are ok.  :hug:
> ...



You've certainly not been 'hijacking this thread'.  I've welcomed hearing from you, and the others.  I think I'm quiet more at present because Xmas is getting closer and I'm one of those not really keen on Xmas :sigh:

I've also recently had to have my dog put down after he suffered from serious heart problem, but I'm glad  to know he's at peace.

At any rate, I can go through periods of being withdrawn so it's pretty par for the course for me.

I'll try to keep returning however.  I love the community, the people here 

Take good care,

amastie


----------



## Jazzey (Dec 8, 2008)

Hey everyone,

I thought I'd "check in" a little here.  I was being quiet because I had 1 glass of wine with diner last week (on Thursday)- went out to a restaurant with friends.  They don't know that I'm not drinking right now and I didn't want to look conspicuous; I know, a little juvenile but there are still a few of my friends who don't know of my recent history and I'm not up for the explanations.

The good news is  - it was only 1 glass of wine and I never took it any further.  I'm still counting a victory at not having alcohol in the house - since November 21st!  

HB  - you're in my thoughts right now.  Sending you a lot of support during this tough time.

Amastie - You're also in my thoughts during this difficult time.  


I look forward to reading more of your posts (both of you) very soon when you're feeling a little better.:grouphug:


----------



## healthbound (Dec 9, 2008)

Hey jazzey,
Glad to hear you were able to have one glass and leave it at that.  That's progress.  I'm still eating lots of sugar, but not as much as I used to.  I think that's progress too.  My awareness is different and that's contributing to my not "mindlessly" eating.  I'm still eating too much sugar, but I am making progress.  This is good 



> I've also recently had to have my dog put down after he suffered from serious heart problem, but I'm glad to know he's at peace.


I am sorry to hear about your dog :hug:
My sister's headstone says "At Peace".  Maybe they're chillin' out together :angel: hee hee.


----------



## amastie (Dec 9, 2008)

Dear Jazzey and HB,

I'm needing to be very brief at present.  Finding it hard to get to bed (It's 5.40am and I'm tired. but I try to come on each day if I can, if only to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Jazzey, I think it's *great* that you only had the one glass of wine and that you are managing not to keep it in the house.  I think you're amazing for what you are dong 

HB, thank you for your kind wishes for my dog.   I really like the idea that he is chilling out with your sister   I had inherited when my mother died.  He was her dog and I felt terrified of having any animal at all, that I wouldn't be able to care for him properly.  I obsessed about every little thing for the first year but started to relax and learned to love him more and more.  I also like to think that he is with my mother too.  

Sending hugs and my very best wishes to you both
:hug:  :flowers:  :hug:

amastie


----------



## ladylore (Jan 28, 2009)

I wanted to do a bit of a check-in and see how things are going for members who have been dealing with these types of issues presently or in the past.

Hope all is well.


----------



## boi (Jan 28, 2009)

Hi Ladylore,
thats nice of you to check in. I have been doing fine...no cravings...how have you been doing?


----------



## ladylore (Jan 28, 2009)

I have been doing well too Boi. I have found that I just don't want to have any type of alcohol around even. It's a nice place to be in.

I also need to remind myself every now and then not to drop the ball because I am doing well in this area. I have known a few people who have had completely relapsed because they convinced themselves that they were 'cured' and could control it now.

I am glad things are going well for you Boi. You deserve it.


----------



## boi (Jan 28, 2009)

glad you are doing well too ladylore. I think its nice that you found a way to deal with it all...not having alcohol around etc...I was actually of one those people who thought I was cured....:dimples:


----------



## Jazzey (Jan 29, 2009)

Just lending my support to everyone too  and thanks for thinking of us LL.


----------



## amastie (Jan 29, 2009)

Thank  you ladylore for looking in 
I'm a compulsive eater and, for that matter, a compulsive "self-put-downer" <lol>
Both of these have been shown to ease off when I can maintain a regular practrice of a meditation which I've been managing to do a bit more lately.  My counsellor is proving the most help in working with me on the issues which prevent that.  I left her today rapt because I felt that I could do my meditation without as much resistance - but must wait to see if that proves to be true.


----------



## ladylore (Jan 29, 2009)

amastie said:


> Thank  you ladylore for looking in
> I'm a compulsive eater and, for that matter, a compulsive "self-put-downer" <lol>
> Both of these have been shown to ease off when I can maintain a regular practrice of a meditation which I've been managing to do a bit more lately.  My counsellor is proving the most help in working with me on the issues which prevent that.  I left her today rapt because I felt that I could do my meditation without as much resistance - but must wait to see if that proves to be true.



Meditation is one thing that I haven't been able to bring myself to do. So, Amastie :goodjob: .  If you have any tricks of the trade in this area would you consider passing them on....please.  

I spoke with my addiction counsellor yesterday as I signed up for the self-esteem program at the addiction centre. She gave me a gentle reminder that there would be people in all stages of recovery so to be my kind, compassionate self during the group. I use give people looks that could kill and she had called me on it in the past a few times. 

Just goes to show me that there are past behaviours I really don't want to have back and traits that I am still working with, as in low frustration levels.

I have my last session with my trauma therapist in a couple of weeks so I am a bit anxious about that, but all in all I am handling things well.

Thanks gang :hug:


----------



## amastie (Jan 29, 2009)

ladylore said:


> Meditation is one thing that I haven't been able to bring myself to do. So, Amastie ...If you have any tricks of the trade in this area would you consider passing them on....please. ...


Over many years,  I've tried different forms of meditation.  I need it first of all because I need to silence my overactive mind but also because only when I do silence the especially self-negating thoughts can I enable self-caring thoughts to enter (and I resist those *very* strongly)

If it helps at all, I do it in three steps.

1.  First of all, I sit upright in a chair and picture my body just letting go.  After a long while it happens much more naturally, but to start with it helps to actualy go through each part of my body and imagine it totally relaxed (it's not possible to imagine it being relaxed without it being relaxed).

2.  Doing that tends already to slow my thoughts down because my mind automatically relaxes too, but to help it to relax and release thoughts, I next pretend to be dumb.  Again, it's hard to imagine oneself dumb, totally dumb, and have thoughts in your head.  I just let nothing mean anything to me, nothing of what I think or see or feel, just imagine it all having no meaning at all.   Doing that in turn helps my body to relax more.

3.   Finally, and fo rme most importantly, when my mind is most "dumb" and it seems even hard to think of anything, I let into my mind *only* one thought (really a feeling) and that is the feeling that I have value.  I can picture this feeling of value filling up inside my body, a part of my body, or "see" it falling down on top of me.  But nothing else, no other feeling or thought.

A big point in all this is that my mind *will* want to think of things and my feelings *will* want to feel other things, but each time I'm aware of anything else at all I go dumb to it again,  Again, I imagine myself unable  to register it.

I have a *huge* problem allowing myself to feel self-worth, and have even experienced a pain shooting through me when I let go too much, but that is where my counsellor is helping me a lot.  For example, only two weeks ago, I found a way to "hand over" that shooting pain to a very strong man I can picture in my mind.  For me, there is a spiritual context to that "man" but I don't see that there needs to be a spiritual context if one can just picture a very strong person in one'e mind to whom one can "hand over" the pain or the resistance that one is feeling.

Today (actually yesterday now), I left my session with my counsellor rapt again because even though I had had success with no longer feeling the pain shooting through me when I let go, I still had an awful lot of other stuff stopping me from doing it, and with the counsellor today, we worked on that resistance very well again.  Fingers crossed that I can do the meditation more easily as a result.  Time will tell.  But I see her ever week so I have good, ongoing support.


ladylore said:


> ...I signed up for the self-esteem program at the addiction centre....


That's wonderful news!  Keep us posted how it goes.


ladylore said:


> ..She gave me a gentle reminder that there would be people in all stages of recovery so to be my kind, compassionate self during the group. I use give people looks that could kill and she had called me on it in the past a few times...


Sounds like wise advice :support:


ladylore said:


> ...I have my last session with my trauma therapist in a couple of weeks so I am a bit anxious about that, but all in all I am handling things well....


Sending much :support: and :hug: to help strengthen you at this time.
I wonder why you can't continue to see your trauma therapist - if that's what you want to do?  (By the way, the psychiatrist I see is herself an expert in trauma and I find her to be very good too.  She has an excellent understanding of me and supports the work I do with the counsellor.  I don't have much support from family and others - it's too much for them, but I do have excellent support from my psychistrist and counsellor so I'm better off than many   I hope that you have the support you need if you must stop seeing this trauma counsellor :hug:  :flowers:


----------



## ladylore (Jan 29, 2009)

The meditation Amastie is awesome!! I specifically like the 'going dumb' part. I will need to try that technique because it just might work.  Thank you so much for sharing this - means alot. 

As for my trauma counselling, it was only suppose to be a year and the year is up a few weeks. But after a year's break I can apply again (so I can apply again next febuaruy).

I do have support Amastie and thanks for the inquiry.  I get along famously with at least one of my sister's. I love my nephew (her son) as if he was my own. I still get to see my addictions counsellor once a month. I was suppose to start some program at Mental Health next week but that has been postponed for now. But it will happen so I do have that as a bit of a support too. And of course there is Psychlinks and all of you wonderful people.

I haven't had this much support in a long time and I don't mind saying I'd like to keep it for as long as possible.  This past year I have also learned a ton of skills to deal with PTSD symptoms in all it's forms which also help to deal with any addiction issues that come up.

Have a great day. :hug::friends:


----------



## amastie (Jan 30, 2009)

ladylore said:


> ..I specifically like the 'going dumb' part. I will need to try that technique because it just might work.  Thank you so much for sharing this - means alot....


My pleasure 
)  For me, there's actually more  to it, but that was the gist of it.  The letting go can take on various forms all in the name of doing whatever enables me to best let go at the time.  I resist letting go mentally - especially feelings of positive and self-approval - and I'm still dealing with that.  I'm *so* happy when a particularly effective meditaiton leaves me free not only of the need to overeat and the need to put myself down, but also frees me of the "personalities" which I experience taking me over as someone with Dissociative Disorder.  They back off and leave me in peace - and I'm not longer acting from an inner "child" in distress or a condeming "man" bringing thoghts of hurting me.  Instead, I'm mature and at one with myself and others.  I cannot begin to say how much that means to me :tearyeyed:

I know that I'm speaking too much but the matter of my meditation and its power to stop me from my ongoing compulsive, self-negating patterns of behavious has become the one thing at present that I am resting all my hope on.  Not that I don't require medication to help overcoime the worst of my anxiety when that overtakes me.  I do need that and I've been taking more of it lately because I have been feeling physically weak (which leaves me more open to be sabotaged mentally).  That happens when my diet is poor in certain green leafy vegetables.  I've resumed eating those so I will pick up from that too.

The benefit in having a very active mind is that it is easier then to use one's imagination to conjure ways to *let go* of the thinking 

I did my meditation effectively when I first woke today and I'm still feeling grounded and at peace as a result.  In order to build on the effect of it, I have to do it regularly - at least three times a day, and preferably every coupleof hours.  If I keep that up, then all the good effects accumulate - I lose weight, am able to move and accomplish tasks and can relate to others wth maturity.

In the past, the practise of letting go and feeling self-worth has caused a very painful backlash - from a very deep terror of my feeling self-approval (related to early trauma) but with the counsellor, I am be working through that fear and am more hepeful as a result.  Of course, the off-shoot of being so hopeful is that when I strike another more resistance, hope becomes again despair.  But having the counsellor working so well with with me gives me reason to think that whatever resistance starts to manifest, I will be able to deal with it.


ladylore said:


> ...As for my trauma counselling, it was only suppose to be a year and the year is up a few weeks. But after a year's break I can apply again (so I can apply again next febuaruy)....


Our system of therapy is very different here in Australia - and from what I've heard, I wouldn't live anywhere else if you paid me!  There is no limit on how long I can see my psychiatrist - most of the cost of seeing her is covered by Medicare (a Government public health rebate scheme).  I've been seeing her now just over 8 years.  The counsellor rs not rebatable so it's harder to affod but *very* helpful,


ladylore said:


> I can apply again next febuaruy....


That's great!


ladylore said:


> ....I do have support Amastie and thanks for the inquiry. I get along famously with at least one of my sister's.....


I miiss that degree of closeness with family.  My problems have been too alienating, too challenging for them from too early an age - but they are good people who support me in any whichever way they can.


ladylore said:


> ....I still get to see my addictions counsellor once a month. I was suppose to start some program at Mental Health next week but that has been postponed for now. But it will happen so I do have that as a bit of a support too. And of course there is Psychlinks and all of you wonderful people....


I"m glad you have those supports.


ladylore said:


> ...This past year I have also learned a ton of skills to deal with PTSD symptoms in all it's forms which also help to deal with any addiction issues that come up....


That's wonderful 


ladylore said:


> ..Have a great day


You too!  :hug:  :friends:


----------



## ladylore (Jan 31, 2009)

> I resist letting go mentally - especially feelings of positive and self-approval - and I'm still dealing with that. I'm *so* happy when a particularly effective meditaiton leaves me free not only of the need to overeat and the need to put myself down, but also frees me of the "personalities" which I experience taking me over as someone with Dissociative Disorder.



I wouldn't let go of the positive feelings about yourself Amastie - those are keepers. 



> Our system of therapy is very different here in Australia - and from what I've heard, I wouldn't live anywhere else if you paid me! There is no limit on how long I can see my psychiatrist - most of the cost of seeing her is covered by Medicare (a Government public health rebate scheme). I've been seeing her now just over 8 years. The counsellor rs not rebatable so it's harder to affod but *very* helpful,



This therapist wasn't a psychiatrist. She worked in a program that specialized in trauma which was run by a community agency. 

Here in BC, as far as I know, someone can see their pscyh for as long as needed as it is covered under our provincial mediacal.


----------



## amastie (Feb 1, 2009)

Oh, so in that sense, we have a very similar system


----------



## ladylore (Feb 1, 2009)

amastie said:


> Oh, so in that sense, we have a very similar system



We do indeed. 

I was think about eating addictions, like the one you deal with Amastie. When I am under stress I tend not to eat - it's the opposite of what you are talking about, I know. The not eating is about gaining control I think, and I know when I overeat or consume really unhealthy food it is strictly about comfort.

Food is a hard one because we need to eat to live. Thank you for bringing this up.


----------



## Halo (Feb 1, 2009)

ladylore said:


> I know when I overeat or consume really unhealthy food it is strictly about comfort.



:agree: Exactly, looking for that comfort through eating but unfortunately for me it never comes in the form of food.


----------



## amastie (Feb 1, 2009)

I'm actually aware, at different times, of eating mostly for comfort, but also - because of the nature of my dissociating from my body - eating also to hurt myself - ie being driven by someone inside me to eat and not being fully in control of my will at that time.  I think I mean by that not simply being in control of my own feelings, but having had my feelings delivered over to someone else inside me.  A separation from myself.  I experience the same compulsion in other ways that sabotage me.  It's the nature of co-existing with "other people" inside me wanting to control what I do, what I think and how I feel (especially feelings of worthlessness).  To paraphrase the advertisement for a tv program: "It's a hassle, but it's my hassle".

But I forget - it's other people's hassle as well, and it humbles me to know that others deal with what I deal with and much,  much more besides.  It recalls to me how much easier I do have it in this life and I'm sorry for the complaints that I make :blush:


----------



## Jazzey (Feb 1, 2009)

I've never seen you complain Amastie.  I've been a little silent on this thread _because_ I relate to everything you've said here.  I use food to punish myself - but in a different way.  I can go days without eating...even though I know it's not helping my situation.  And, as you know, I use alcohol...

:hug: :hug:


----------



## ladylore (Feb 1, 2009)

> But I forget - it's other people's hassle as well, and it humbles me to know that others deal with what I deal with and much, much more besides. It recalls to me how much easier I do have it in this life and I'm sorry for the complaints that I make



Complain away.  You, like everyone else has lived a unique life - all your own. 

One thing I love about this forum and particularly what you said Amastie is the humanity of it all. We need each other and by sharing our experiences with each other we find that we really aren't alone. Someone else may have had a similar experience too and can help carry the load.


----------



## ladylore (Feb 1, 2009)

So here is a question.

When you have had a good day and the addiction seems to be under control what happened to make it work? What changed, what tools did you use to gain a bit more control over the addiction?


----------



## amastie (Feb 1, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> ...I've been a little silent on this thread BECAUSE I relate to everything you've said here.  I use food to punish myself - but in a different way.  I go days without eating...even though I know it's not helping my situation.  And, as you know, I use alcohol......


Just a reminder ..
:hug:   :friends:   :support:   :flowers:

*amastie added 7 Minutes and 51 Seconds later...*



ladylore said:


> ...One thing I love about this forum ...is the humanity of it all. ....by sharing our experiences with each other we find that we really aren't alone. Someone else may have had a similar experience too and can help carry the load.


Yes, it's enormously important.
As much as I talk too easily, too much (and there are reasons for that too) I *also* feel a certain obligation to speak out when so many others have no voice, are not heard.

I want people to be heard.

I know it's ironic for me to say that when  it is me who does so much of the talking but it has often happened that people will say "I'm so glad you said that / asked that question.  I couldn't say it".  That means a lot to me.  And you're right ladylore, it's because we are all human.  We mirror each other.  And we are all - mentally ill or not - much more alike than we are different.  It's just that some people haven't figured that out yet - says me arrogantly


----------



## Jazzey (Feb 1, 2009)

...I read all of your posts Amastie, precisely because of your insight. 



> When you have had a good day and the addiction seems to be under control what happened to make it work? What changed, what tools did you use to gain a bit more control over the addiction?



Sorry LL.  I'm not ignoring you.  I'm taking your questions with me.  I just have to think about this a little. :hug:


----------



## amastie (Feb 1, 2009)

ladylore said:


> So here is a question.
> 
> When you have had a good day and the addiction seems to be under control what happened to make it work? What changed, what tools did you use to gain a bit more control over the addiction?


Very good question.
I am now nearly 60 years of age and have put  in most of those years trying to find answers to that very question.  Over the years,  there have been many answers - some fleeting, others costly, and others again which required following the rules laid down by people, professionals or not - but none come close to the combination which works best for me.  I stress "for me".  And that is the combination of my meditation and - working in concert with that - my communion with what I call my spirit guides.  Some people would refer to them as their guardian angels.  Most people would have no name for them at all, and no belief that they exist.  I am not proposing that other people believe in something because I do.  It is right for me.

When I am able to practise it regularly, at  least three times a day,  it is helpful on *all* areas of my life - I come away from . it without a need to overeat.  I don't simply mean that I feel like dieting.  I actually lose all need to eat more than what is healthy.  It restores me to a truly mature way of relating to others, calms me enormously, leaves me unafraid of feeling good about myself,  makes me able to accomplish tasks (something that has long been a huge impediment in my life) and it frees me of those other "people" who  inhabit the space inside which should be filled only with me.

My psychiatrist applauds any work that I do which enables me  to do my meditation.  She has seen the huge benefit.  My counsellor creates a safe space in which I can work specifcally with my "guides" to free me of the fear and the hindrances to doing my meditation - and it is my counsellor who is proving the most help at present for that reason.

Sometimes, I am so full  of hope that I will be able  to maintain the practice of my meditation,  but shortly realize, again, that fear or other resistance stops me  from doing it.  Too much hope gives then gives way to too much despair and,  like others in these forums, such despair can be all-consuming.  Then I see the counsellor, "hear" the counsel of my "guides", feel the cloud of resistance lift from me again and *again* my hope  is raised.

Nother else comes close to this practice and never has.

Anti-anxiety medication definitely helps when despair and also resistance take hold.  it is also *very* effective at liberating me from the "personalites" (as I call them, who operate inside me).  So I've also been blessed to find the right medication.  But medication alone doesn't hold the hope of overcoming those personalities.  Till this point, only my meditation and my communiing with my guides has shown promise of that.

In saying that, I also know that I've been at this a very long time, and there are no guarantees.  I am morbidly obese, for obvious reasons, and wile I keep relatively good health considered, everyone dies some time an I may not see an end of my experience of the "personalites" or my resistance to self-approval in this life.  Then I recall to myseld another part of my Spiritualist belief - it is not the destination which matters in the end, but what I have committed to the journey.

Sometimes, I admit, my belief becomes swamped by my despair and suicide has definitely been on my mind at times.  My psychiatrist knows that too.  As a Spiritualist, I believe that if I don't do all that I can till the day I die, then I will come back to learn the same lessons next time - and I don't want to repeat them!  But I also have compassion for those for whom it is too much and I don't judge those who do give up.  I just keep reminding myself that it is commitment to the journey that counts.  Whatever happens, it's the journey..

I've said too much but I'm very conscious that what I've said is true (for me) and therefore fully human.  I am human, and that is a wonderul thing to be.


----------



## Jazzey (Feb 1, 2009)

You always touch my heart Amastie.  Thanks again for sharing such deep emotions.  I wish I could find some way to give you comfort....

:hug:


----------



## amastie (Feb 1, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> You always touch my heart Amastie.  Thanks again for sharing such deep emotions.  I wish I could find some way to give you comfort....
> 
> :hug:


Guess what?  You do 
Good night my friend. :hug:  :flowers:   :hug:


----------



## Jazzey (Feb 1, 2009)

Good night Amastie.  Take good care of yourself! :hug:


----------



## ladylore (Apr 29, 2009)

Hi,
I have a read a few posts lately where different people are struggling a bit in this area. I thought I would do a check-in and see how everyone is doing.

How are you? 

I am almost 3 yrs clean but there are times I still have problems. I get the mindset of when I was using and drinking, and I am just short of picking up. So, If you are struggling, or even have used - it's ok. The support is here and this is a safe place to talk about it and maybe a bit of brainstorming to assist you on this road.


----------



## Jazzey (Apr 29, 2009)

Thanks for all your support LL.  I am struggling right now, but I can't verbalize any of it for the time being.  But I did want to acknowledge you're reaching out to everyone, me included.


----------



## ladylore (May 9, 2009)

I came across this today on another forum. It is from a book called 100 Blessings Every Day.

 I am not much into the 12 Steps anymore, but I found this particularly moving.



> Think about the time you may have spent in active addiction. You were far away, on a long journey going elsewhere. But when you come home, you are always welcome, even if you come home late.



I thank my lucky stars that I was welcomed back with open arms. I appreciate being clean and sober even more.


----------



## Jazzey (May 9, 2009)

Thank you LL...I have been out of control lately.  The weird part us that it seems to be a conscious decision.  I don't go into withdrawal or anything like this.  I just don't like myself in any way, shape or form - this leads to irresponsible behaviours on my part.  There's a part of me that really wants to do myself harm.  What can I say?  I know this doesn't seem rational. On one part of me, I want to get better, to live life and remember all the good stuff and on the other part of me...I just don't want to do any of this anymore.  So, I drink with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I just won't wake up tomorrow....I'm tired.  And the alcohol takes some of that pain away.  It enables me to not hate myself as much as I do...If only for a few hours...And then I'll start this cycle all over again tomorrow.  Did I mention I'm tired of all of this?

Oh yeah - forgot one important piece of the puzzle...I've managed to alienate the bulk of the friendships I did have in my life.  I'm usually the saving grace that swoops in to save the day.  But I think my swooping days are over now.


----------



## ladylore (May 9, 2009)

I will do a search and see what information I can up with. But what I can say to you is that this isn't your fault.

You may think your in control Jazzey, up to a point yes and then again no. It has been proved through brain scans that alcohol 'short circuits' part of the brain. Different drugs short circuit other parts of the brain.

About 3 months into my clean time I went though something where my brain and body confused drugs with food and water - things that sustained life. I was receiving messages that if I didn't use I wouldn't live because I had to have to sustain my life. Of course that isn't true but those were the messages my body was sending out.

At some point when you feel safe enough and trust your therapist, you may want to tell her about your struggle in this area. I found that it is all tied together and I had to deal with my dependence for substances at the same time as the trauma.

Thank you for confiding here about this. It can be complicated.

:friends:


----------



## Jazzey (May 9, 2009)

Thank you LL...sincerely.  I think the alcohol, for me at least, is tied to not wanting to be here anymore.  I won't go on about this-  I'm just tired LL.  I find all of this really complicated for me.

But I appreciate all of your support - always.   :hug: :friends:

..And take me with a grain of salt, it's been a little bit of a rough week with my (how do you say Mom in jewish?  ) - I'm just saturated hon - and I just don't want to do any of this anymore...

:heart:  thank you LL.


----------



## ladylore (May 9, 2009)

I have been there and know that feeling well. One moment at a time. Your not alone.:support:


----------



## ladylore (May 9, 2009)

> how do you say Mom in jewish?



Mother in Hebrew is 'Em'


----------



## Jazzey (May 9, 2009)

In that case, my 'Em' has been driving me bonkers


----------



## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

..I've been a little out of control lately.  I'm hoping that I can get back on the healthy track this week...

Any support that I can get right now would be welcomed.  Sorry everyone - I'm always full of really great intentions - and that's pretty much where it ends.  But I can't keep feeling guilty about it. It's slowly killing me  - the guilt of it all, the irresponsibility that comes with it. 

Help?


----------



## ladylore (May 18, 2009)

What do you mean by 'out of control'? I may be able to assist you if I know your definition of the term - mine may be a bit different.


----------



## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

I've been drinking every day - a lot (really a lot - hard stuff and the other stuff).  It's taking more and more alcohol for me to feel 'safe'.  And I've been going there.  And then my thoughts go further.  I'm tired Robyn.  I'm not even trying anymore.


----------



## forgetmenot (May 18, 2009)

Jazzey i am sorry to see you are strugglling. I know that feeling of not wanting to be here at times. Moms do drive you crazy at times mine calls alot too. I never turned to alcohol Jazzey because I saw first hand how it destroyed people my twin and brothers now my daughter. I sometimes would like something to dull my pain so i know your reasoning.  I hope tommorrow is a better day for you Jazzey. You give so much here I wish i could help you take some of your pain away. Take care Jazzey I am so grateful you are here to support me  I just wanted to let you know that mary


----------



## ladylore (May 18, 2009)

You may want to figure out first - what do you want? What is the goal for you? Do you want to stop drinking? Then go from there.

I would mention this to your therapist - how bad it is because adjustments can be made on the sessions so you are not feelings so overwhelmed.

This is only a start. I have many, many other suggestions for you. But the basics are the questions I asked are the important ones. I know the first question that I got when I slipped and was in danger of a relapse was "What do I want to do about it?" Once I knew it was easier. I could get a plan together.

Glad you said something because this is what this thread is also for. The support is here for you.:support::hug:


----------



## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

..thank you Mary and LL  - from the bottom of my heart :heart:...Right now, I'm just struggling.  I just don't want to be here anymore.  I don't want to be a part of any of this. I don't want to sound melo - but I'm really done...I just want to go away...I won't because I know that this will affect other people in my life - and I don't want to affect them.  if they weren't a factor...

Thank you both for responding to me tonight. Mary, a few short years ago, I didn't touch *any* alcohol...this is new to me..And again, I don't understand it other than in the context of wanting to disappear.

Much love - sorry, I know that I'm wrought with cynicism...I will go to bed and go to work tomorrow...With  a smile on my face, as usual.   :hug: :hug:


----------



## forgetmenot (May 18, 2009)

God Jazzey don't be sorry we have all been in the same place. I am glad you can see your twin and family would be devastated if you weren't here. I know work is sometimes an escape for me i hope it is for you too Jazzey. The sessions are overwhelming you Jazzey talk with your T to let him know it is too much. Your T will help you Jazzey. This feeling of despair and not wanting to do it anymore this will pass and you will find strength again Jazzey.  As for the alcohol Jazzey try to get a councillor that can help you. Don't let it get to the point where it takes everything away Jazzey. Don't let him make you become the victim again please Jazzey take care and come to us for support talk to us and we will help you okay. I can only tell you that the alcohol is a very destructive tool to use Jazzey but then you already know that.  I will pray for you Jazzey. You are someone so special Jazzey and you don't deserve to feel this pain you deserve to be happy Jazzey take care sending you a special hug mary:support::grouphug3:


----------



## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

Thank you Mary-  I promise that I'll do this responsibly.  I've had enough of my behaviours lately.  My psychologist is aware of my behaviours-  no secrets there.  I'm sorry for worrying you.  Tonight's just a bit of a rough night for me...but I promise you that I'll get back on track tomorrow. ..Ugh...Just a rough patch Mary - but I'm doing it honestly this time around.

Thank you for caring, :hug: :hug:


----------



## forgetmenot (May 18, 2009)

Thats okay Jazzey rough patches i know about  I know your a fighter Jazzey and Its people like you Jazzey that share what their going through that helps others like me.  Im not worry Jazzey I know you will come back  Have a good nights rest morning comes early :support:


----------



## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

Thanks again Mary. ...And I am a fighter.  This is just a temporary setback...Your support meant a lot to me tonight Mary - thank you. :hug: :hug:


----------



## ladylore (May 18, 2009)

There is another forum I found a few weeks ago. It's called intherooms.com I have found alot of great support there. It is based on the 12 Steps - they say it's a place to hang out the 23 hours people aren't at the meeting.


----------



## Jazzey (May 18, 2009)

Thank you LL...honestly.  I will scope it out at some point.  This weekend I had an opportunity to think things over.   I don't think that I've been honest with myself in recent times. Thank you for helping me Robyn.  You've always been one of my greatest advocates....  :heart:


----------



## ladylore (May 18, 2009)

No problem - If people hadn't been in my corner I don't know where I would be right now.

Another option may be to call up a detox centre or other drug/alcohol counselling centre and see what is in your area and what your options are. You already have a therapist, so that is definitely a bonus. More support to help you deal with the other stuff.

:support:


----------



## ladylore (Jul 28, 2009)

Hey Gang,

I know this is a little early - but next month (Aug 23) will be 3 years clean and sober. It is really, really cool that I have made it so far - that I am proud of.

On a down side, in the month or so I have been having some emotional issues that I think are related to the upcoming anniversary. Needless to say, I was in bad shape the day I decided enough was enough and I had to do something about it.

I have been told that anniversaries of this kind are bitter sweet because any kind of past trauma can be called up again and remembered.

So I am happy and sad at the same time.

Thanks for listening Gang. It is worth it. :2thumbs:


----------



## healthbound (Jul 29, 2009)

Congratulations, LL.  3 years is definitely something to be celebrated.  And now that I write that, I just realized I'll be 3 years off the sauce this September.  Funny I didn't realize we were going through similar processes at around the same time 3 years ago.

It definitely makes sense that anniversaries like this are bitter sweet.  Clearly there were serious consequences contributing to our taking such drastic action like quitting -so it makes sense that we would remember some of those consequences we were experiencing back then.  And if you're like me you also recall the reasons you wanted so desperately to escape in the first place.

On the other hand, there's the sweet part.  In my case, that's remembering I haven't experienced any of those "consequences" in nearly 3 years.  And acknowledging that our lives really suck sometimes (hehe) but they would suck A LOT MORE if we were still using or drinking.

And we are alive .  We are dealing with life head-on without escaping reality.  That takes much strength and courage.

Way to go sistah


----------



## ladylore (Jul 29, 2009)

> On the other hand, there's the sweet part. In my case, that's remembering I haven't experienced any of those "consequences" in nearly 3 years. And acknowledging that our lives really suck sometimes (hehe) but they would suck A LOT MORE if we were still using or drinking.
> 
> And we are alive . We are dealing with life head-on without escaping reality. That takes much strength and courage.



Amen to that Healthbound!! :funky:

We will both have to celebrate 2X - once for me and once for you. 

:friends:


----------



## Fiver (Jul 30, 2009)

To *healthbound* and *ladylore*: Heartfelt congratulations on three years of continued strength, courage, and wisdom. May these traits forever serve you well!


----------



## ladylore (Jul 30, 2009)

Thank you very kindly Fiver - means alot.


----------



## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

I've been very good lately.  Today, really craving - looking at the clock to see when I'd have to leave at the latest to get some alcohol.  But I know that if I get some today, it won't just be the one drink...darn.  Why am I thinking about this incessantly right now?


----------



## ladylore (Aug 2, 2009)

It's because that is what your brain and body want. It happens to me still at times. But it's only a thought that will pass. Maybe some sparkling lemonade made with sparkling water instead. 

Cravings don't last long - so wait it out. It will go away and eventually they will give up because you are not giving in to them.


----------



## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

I got a bottle of....Orangina.  But I have to say, yesterday was probably the hardest day ever.  I can usually distract myself by keeping very busy.  Yesterday, because of my emotional mindset, I didn't have the strength to do much of anything - which is usually when I want a drink the most - to make the time pass a little.

I will give this warning about Orangina though - it packs it's own little punch in the form of insomnia...  oops - too much caffeine and sugar.


----------



## ladylore (Aug 3, 2009)

At least it wasn't alcohol. :2thumbs:


----------



## Jazzey (Sep 5, 2009)

Ok, I'm bumping this thread up again. 

I've been struggling with this again.  Mostly because my anxiety is pretty high and I've been dissociating lately.  Those, for me, I've recognized are the two things that make want to drink.

So, for today, I'm going to rejoin the world for a little bit.  It's a beautiful day, I'm going to out and do some exercise (probably walking in the park) and get some errands done.  I've been cocooning lately.  I think this also brings up the urge to drink for me.

I'm posting because I've decided that I will ask for your support in keeping on the healthier path.   When I cut myself off from that support, I live entirely in my head and that only brings me more battles.  I've done this before, and I can do this again. :2thumbs:


----------



## Into The Light (Sep 5, 2009)

i am so proud of you for making this conscious decision to reach out so that you can help yourself, and so that you can make this less difficult on yourself than it would be. :hug:

it sounds like keeping yourself present and grounded is what you really need. good decision, jazzey :goodjob:


----------



## ladylore (Sep 5, 2009)

:goodjob: Thanks for bumping this thead up and asking for support. 

Isolation is something anyone dealing with addiction issues need to watch out for. So good for you. It took me a long time to realize when I wanted and neeed alone time (which is healthy) or I wanted to isolate (not so healthy).

Dealing with anxiety too can make things a bit dicey. When the anxiety hits the roof for me I still find myself thinking of taking something just to make it go away. I don't, and eventually the anxiety and the thoughts disappear.

My addiction therapist is a bit of an extravert. She would like me to be more social. Sometimes going for a walk, grabbing a cuppa java and people watching is all I can do. That's ok.

Proud of you Jazzey. :woohoo:


----------



## BluMac81 (Sep 6, 2009)

Hi everyone, I figure it'd be appropriate to post here as I am fighting alcohol and nicotine abuse.  I attend AA meetings 1-2 times a week but find that I am intimidated/too shy to speak up half the time, other than when I speak up to get my chips (like last one I went to I did say that I was 24hr-29days sober and got the chip) cause those chips are important to me, I keep them displayed in my home to remind me of my progress.  

After two hospitalizations, two near death experiences, and a whole lot of denial I've finally come to terms with the first step (which is extremely hard to do by the way), that I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable.  At the age of 28 admitting that I am powerless over something and my life is unmanagable and that I cannot ever have a drink again (without jeopardizing my life) was overwhelming.  

But I've done it and gone and admitted these things, something my dad never did and it was alcoholism that caused his death at the age of 56.  For now, my self-esteem and confidence have been shattered by accepting this first step, its humbled me.  But I know after seeing those faces at the AA meetings that it is the right way to go, and I'm working on the 2nd step now.  Relapse is a slippery slope, so many things can trigger it, and when you get complacent about yourself and your life, that is when it occurs... so as the saying goes, 'keep coming back it works if you work it!'  

1 week sober now and counting.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, one minute at a time.....


----------



## Jazzey (Sep 6, 2009)

:thewave:  that's great Blu.  That's great news. And congrats on this hard work.


----------



## ladylore (Sep 6, 2009)

I'm glad your attending AA BluMac. The chips are important - it's a reward for staying clean and sober.

August 23rd I received my 3yr medallion. I gotta say how proud I am to get that.

Keep up the great work. :2thumbs:


----------



## BluMac81 (Sep 30, 2009)

Today Sep 30th, is my 1 month mark in sobriety *wipes brow* one day at a time baby


----------



## forgetmenot (Sep 30, 2009)

Wow good for you BluMac81 what an accomplishment 1 month keep up the great work


----------



## ladylore (Sep 30, 2009)

Yay BluMac!!:2thumbs:


----------



## BluMac81 (Oct 15, 2009)

1 month 15 days sober!  Its weird, I am finding it really easy to abstain from alcohol, I don't think about it that often and lose track of my time of sobriety, I guess that's a good thing!  I just don't even want to drink because when I think about it I my stomach churns and I get a little nauseated, its like my body is saying 'no more of that!', and I'm like 'you got it body!' lol.  

I don't know if this is a setback or not but I did go back to chewing tobacco, it took a while to trust myself to do it again because I was afraid I would use it as a subsitute for alcohol.  And yes I am fully aware of the dangers of chewing tobacco (gum disease, etc.), but my little "2 dips a day" short-term buzz was something I looked forward to, and I missed it a lot.  I closely monitoring my use of it now ensuring I don't do it more than twice a day (abuse it), and am weighing the side-effects and long-term effects versus the positive feelings on it in a scientific manner.  Stimulants and having depression are not to my knowledge any danger to combine, but I DEFINITELY know now that alcohol and depression do not mix, because ones depression becomes exacerbated along with an inhibriation that leads to compulsive, irrational behavior.


----------



## forgetmenot (Oct 15, 2009)

I am so happy for you BluMac81  what an accomplishment 1mth 15 days and counting
way to go  :2thumbs:


----------

