# Extremely Anxious



## Earthmum (Mar 22, 2008)

Sorry to jump straight in without introducing myself first.  This is rather a long post, so I apologise in advance.

I'll give you a little background...

My husband has had Erectile Dysfunction for round 5 years now.  In the beginning, when I first caught him looking at porn [around 4 years ago], he said he did it to see if he could get aroused.  He said he couldn't.

Now, I have never made an issue of his 'problem', in fact, I have been fully supportive of it...and we _have_ worked around it.  It doesn't happen *every* time ~ around 1 in 3 times I would say.

He went to the doctor once about it [3-4 years ago] and the doctor prescribed Viagara.  It did work sometimes, but not always.  The thing that puzzled me, was that he never followed up on it OR bought any more.  He never showed any outward signs of depression, only apologising now and again for his 'lack of performance.'  Although he hasn't seemed himself for a few years now.

He's been 'preoccupied', lacking motivation, not fulfilling responsibilities, not seeming to be enjoying himself when we're out...that sort of thing, and he's been 'chatting' to women on the net and visiting porn sites on and off during the last 4 years.

He's a very manipulative person and can turn on the tears at will.  He also lies...a lot.  I don't mean the ocassional white lie ~ I mean big, prefabriacted whoppers.  He did hit me once, in the jaw, about 3 years ago and he's been dealing with anger/verbal abuse issues all our married life [25 years].  He doesn't seem to have much of a conscience and finds the most inappropriate things funny.

If I'm honest, he's not a very good dad.  He lookes bored when doing something that the kids want to do [we have 4], but is happy if they want to do things that interest him...like fishing or shooting.  Sometimes, he'll refuse to go places altogether even, and me and the kids have ended up doing them alone.  The kids have picked up on this and whenever they want to do something, they ask me.  He get's hurt about this and complains he's being left out.

On the other side of the coin, he is a good husband in some ways.  He'll help with making food, doing the washing up and grocery shopping.  He's also supportive when I have a problem.  He always acts the perfect husband whenever we're out too.  He can be very suffocating with his affection/interest towards me.  Hugging and kissing me sometimes up to 4 times in an hour, following me around, liking the things that I like.  He seems to put me on a pedestal and mirrors my interests.  It's like he has no sense of his own self and lives his life through me.



Ok, back to the present...

Last saturday I discovered that he'd been visiting teenage and schoolgirl 'rape' porn sites...as well as adult rape sites.  
When I confronted him about it, he was angry and cocky...and accused me of 'snooping'.  I said "I don't snoop". And I don't. I don't even answer his cell phone phone or anything, but saturday morning, I got up earlier than he expected and was suspicious of his behaviour. There was no TV on and he said he'd been on the loo for over an hour.

When he went to work, I decided to check the computer, as going on his past behaviour, I knew he'd been up to something. 

He hasn't got his own user account, he insisted on deleting it when I discovered he'd been cybersexing with females on chat rooms and MSN a couple of years ago.

After a bit of searching, BINGO, I discovered he'd used my eldest daughter's [21] user account after evesdropping on her password one day.

I called him 'sick and twisted' and told him he needed help.

I said what made you type that into a search engine in the first place? He said what he'd actually typed in was 'asian rape' and he didn't know why he did it.

Oh, that makes things so much better doesn't it....

Maybe I'm over reacting, but I don't feel like that somehow.

I had to tell my daughter because she wanted to use the PC on Saturday afternoon and I hadn't deleted his history after checking....I needed it for proof because he would have denied it otherwise.
That night, I slept with my other daughter ~ I couldn't bear to be in the same bed as him...let alone have him touch me at all.

The following morning, I found him sitting on the sofa looking all forlorn.

I was quite polite and asked him did he want a cup of coffee?  He said yes and we started to talk.  He told me he thought he was suffering with depression and had contemplated suicide [again].  He had gone as far as to get everything together and put it in the van that morning...he was going to do it.  I didn't ask him to elaborate on *what* he had got together.

The thing that alarmed me was that he said "if *you* hadn't been nice to me this morning, I would have done it".  [You can imagine how I felt about that.]

The last time he threatened suicide was when we split up for a few weeks last year.  Actually, that was the deciding factor, the reason I took him back...I was afraid.  I say 'split up', but he didn't leave me alone.   He was staying with his mother and popped in nearly every day with one excuse or another.

Going by his past history, his words screamed 'manipulation', 'shifting blame' and 'not claiming responsibility' for what he'd done.  I think he was so scared of my reaction the previous night...he was desperate to get out of it and blame his actions on depression.

He said the reason that he hadn't been shooting much during the last few years was that he didn't trust himself not to turn the gun on himself.

I went ape, and said "that's it, I'm geting rid of all your guns."  His response?  "No, no, don't do that, I'll lock the cabinet up and give you the keys."

A strange response for someone who is afraid of turning a gun on himself due to suicidal feelings, don't you think?

When I tried to explain to him about how that made *me* feel [suicide being governed by me being nice to him, or not], he stormed off.  I said "what's wrong?"  He said "I *was* feeling better, but I feel worse now" and disappeared downstairs.

Well, you can imagine how I felt...I was thinking all sorts.  My youngest daughter [14] was downstairs and I had visions of him getting the gun and shooting himself in front of her or something.

After about 5 minutes, I could bear it no longer and went downstairs to apologise.  I felt if I apologised and made him feel better/wanted/whatever, he'd be ok.  It worked.  He made a miraculous recovery, and hasn't seemed 'depressed' since.

I asked him what he had said to the doctor and if he had told him *everything* and I mean EVERYTHING.  Including the near suicide attempt on sunday morning and the rape websites he'd visited.  He said yes.  I said "and he didn't prescibe you anything!!!"  He said "no, he wants me to have a chat to the psychiatrist first" WTF?

I then said I was going to have a word with the doctor myself in the morning [I was really frightened].  Later that night, I asked him how he was feeling.  He said "I was feeling ok, until you said you were going to speak to the doctor about it...now I'm feeling a little anxious".

Maybe because he hadn't told the doctor the WHOLE truth?  I think he must have just mentioned he was feeling depressed due to his ED and that's all.

I have my suspicions that there's another woman involved somewhere.  He came home the other week and told me he'd been offered a position [with the same firm] 60 miles away.   That comes with an apartment...handy if he had to stay late he said.

Now all this coming from a man who never wants to stay overnight at his place of work, he would always rather drive home and travel every day.  He said the apartment would be handy if ever *we* wanted to go down for the weekend too.

I don't know what to think, except that I'm extremely anxious, confused...and feeling guilty believe it or not.

I'm just waiting for this letter off the psychiatrist and I'll go from there. 


And he has teenage kids for god's sake!  What was he thinking?  AND on my daughter's user account.  He disgusts me.  Some of the sites contained images of portrayed incest and 'daddy's raping their young daughters in their beds'.  I don't think he clicked on these however, because only the titles came up ~ not the actual images.  He said they were 'pop ups' on the pages he *was* looking at *shrugs*

My eldest daughter was disgusted too [I didn't show her the websites, just told her about them] and said she felt uncomfortable with my husband holding our baby grandson.  

I reassured her that he wouldn't ever do anything like that...he has *never* given me cause to think otherwise...ever, but obviously these things are bound to go around your head aren't they?


I'd really appreiate some advice about this.  I have nowhere else to turn.


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## Into The Light (Mar 22, 2008)

he sounds very manipulative and likes to pile on the guilt. by saying your actions affect whether he is going to kill himself or not he's putting all this responsibility on you, responsibility that isn't yours.

i'm not sure i believe he really is suicidal when he says these things to you. he's using it to get what he wants.

what is it you would like to see happen in this situation?


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 22, 2008)

You know, if you are worried that he's not going to tell thye doctor or the psychiatrist the full story, you can send an email or a note like your post here filling them in on the history.

It would be a breach of confidentiality for the doctor(s) to tell you anything, or possibly even to comment on what you tell them, but it's not a breach of confidentiality to accept information about a patient. (Of course, the doctor will then evaluate the credibility of the information based on other information available to him as well as his own clinical expertise.)


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## Earthmum (Mar 22, 2008)

Into The Light said:


> he sounds very manipulative and likes to pile on the guilt. by saying your actions affect whether he is going to kill himself or not he's putting all this responsibility on you, responsibility that isn't yours.
> 
> i'm not sure i believe he really is suicidal when he says these things to you. he's using it to get what he wants.



I know you're right, but I still had that sense of responsibility and fear.  If he had gone out and done it, I would never have forgiven myself...and he knows that.  I have suffered with extreme Post Partum OCD in the past [I currently have moderate to mild OCD, but have learned to sort of 'control' it] and I have an extreme guilt complex and an anxiety disorder, and I think he was playing on that fact.  He knows which buttons to press.

I've coped without Prozac for 7 years now, I take St John's Wort instead, but this week I've been seriously contemplating asking my doctor to re-prescribe me Prozac.  I couldn't bear to leave the house though...except to go to work...which was hell in itself.  I wanted to tell my workmate what happened, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed.

After breaking down in tears, I just told her I was having problems at home.



> what is it you would like to see happen in this situation?



I'm so confused, I don't know.  I don't want him feeling suicidal or depressed [if it's genuine], yet I don't know if I want to be with him any more either.  This sort of behaviour seems to be a pattern with him.  He gets found out, apologises 'sincerely' that it won't happen again, I believe him, then he 'behaves' for a few months and then he goes and does something like this again.  Only this time, he really exceeded my boundaries...most other peole's too, I should imagine.




David Baxter said:


> You know, if you are worried that he's not going to tell thye doctor or the psychiatrist the full story, you can send an email or a note like your post here filling them in on the history.
> 
> It would be a breach of confidentiality for the doctor(s) to tell you anything, or possibly even to comment on what you tell them, but it's not a breach of confidentiality to accept information about a patient. (Of course, the doctor will then evaluate the credibility of the information based on other information available to him as well as his own clinical expertise.)



Thank you David, that was very helpful.  I'll think about doing that.


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## lallieth (Mar 22, 2008)

HI EarthMum

If you feel that he may be a harm to himself or to you and the kids,then I would speak to the therapist  about this.It is in your best interest and his to make sure the whole truth is being told and that what is happening is not being downplayed.


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