# I can't scream but I need to



## braveheart (Dec 5, 2007)

Help. Please.

I need to scream.

I've bit by arm rather than scream. I can't scream here. I need to scream.

I feel so sad and alone. I'm hurting.

The impact of realising the full intensity of the parts of my personality resulting from past abuse.

And triggers at home. 

Help.

I need someone to hold onto. I need someone to hold onto me. I feel like I am fragmenting. 
I am so close to hurting myself. Like I don't care.
But I do care.
I just feel so alone.

I'm hurting too much.
I'm numb.
I can't cry.
And I can't cry because everyone would hear.
I can't bear this pain bubbling up inside me.

I can't talk to my flatmates just now as they've got their own troubles [being one of my triggers..]
I have therapy again tomorrow morning, but that seems aeons away.

I don't know what to say, how to communicate this pain, this terror, this regret and anguish and sorrow and hurt.

And I feel so cold. I got soaking wet walking to therapy today. My trousres were dripping and I had to put my socks on the radiator.

Take away this pain. Please have mercy on me.


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Hi There
I'm here and I am a great listener,why are you hitting rock bottom whats going on in your life right now to bring you down so low?
:friends:come on a chat with me I'm to listen,I'm here for you

Laurie


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## braveheart (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Thanks Laurie.

I feel so helpless in the face of this distress, it feels so much bigger than me.

One of the reasons I can't scream is that there's a 16 month old also living here - my flatmates' son. My flatmate also feels like screaming - due to troubles in their marriage. We all wince when the boy screams, but maybe we should all scream together?
I'm very sensitive to atmospheres.
The therapy break is coming up.
I see Occupational Health next week.
I've just come to a very clear perception of my psyche's structure in connection with the abuse - in fact I took a very detailed picture to show my therapist this afternoon.

There's some young ones screaming in the basement of my psyche and I feel powerless to reach them right now. 
I feel so raw.
I want to hurt myself to show that rawness.
I need to hold on or I will fall.


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

I understand where you are coming from I have this little girl inside me who was hurt and she is still hurting and I don't know how to help her.
Hang in there,let things out in your next session with your Doctor.
We have tough days but for some reason or other we can and do make it through to a some what better days,so please do not harm yourself find the strength within yourself be kind and gentle to yourself.
:hug:
Laurie


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## braveheart (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Thanks Laurie.

Self harm trigger below

*
*
*
*
*

I want to scrape my arms to pieces.
I want there to be blood.
But I can't so that.
I can't cry.
I feel so worthless.
I feel so raw. 

My therapist suggested that my next step is for the younger ones to communicate with each other. This terrifies me at the same time as it feels potentially liberating.


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## Halo (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Braveheart,  I can relate to those overwhelming feelings that you are describing especially the need to self harm and scream...I have been there many times.  I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I know you are strong and can hang on at least one moment at a time until you see your therapist tomorrow.  Just hang on....you can make it Braveheart, I know you can.

Many, many hugs from me to you :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Take care


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

I know how you are feeling because I am a cutter as well but have been able to refreain from doing so lately.
I read a tip that you might try instead of actually cutting yourself and causing un needed harm to youself which will just leave ugly scares, use a red dry easrer marker instead of any sharp object.
I also understand your fears of confronting your younger self I fear the same but at the same as you feel there could be some relief in doing so.

Laurie:friends:


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## braveheart (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Thank you Halo.

I have postponed the online support work I was due to do this evening.

I am going to take a zopiclone and get an early night. I know that's escaping, but it hurts too much.

Laurie, I've only ever scratched or bruised before. But this is ... more. 
I don't have a marker. But I might get my felt tips out. And I even threw out my finger paints. 
I just want physical hurt to show the depth of my emotional hurt.

If there was water near here the temptation to drown would be very real.
I am drowning in grief for the lost parts of my personality.

It's like I need the hurt, to heal.


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## Halo (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

I am glad that you are looking after yourself by postponing the online support work...right now you need to do what is best for you and if that means taking your meds and getting an early night's rest....than that is what you need to do.  That is not escaping in my opinion, that is being wise and helpful to yourself.

I am proud of you Braveheart, I truly am :hug:

:heart::heart:


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

I agree with Halo and a good nights rest may bring a better tomorrow. Take care of yourself because you do matter.
:grouphug:
Laurie


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## braveheart (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Thank you Halo. 

It's only 7.30 so I have at least an hour until I can look to bed. 

I did buy Psychologies magazine today so maybe I can sit up in bed and read that.
I need to write in my journal though, even though it hurts.
I just want to sink into oblivion.


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## Halo (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

I think doing something to distract yourself would be a good idea.  Another one may be to take a hot bath and try to relax a bit.  I know that a hot shower (as I am not a bath person) always relaxes me when I am feeling particulary overwhelmed.  I find then after a hot shower that I have more concentration to read and the time flies by faster.

Either way...I hope the next hour or so passes quickly and you get a good night's rest :zzz:

Take care :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Braveheart please do not hurt yourself ,
put something over your mouth a let out your screams
punch the crap out of a pillow anything but do not hurt youself please!!!
 :friends:
Laurie


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## braveheart (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

I'm too tired.

I might have a shower. 

I'm so tired.

So tired.


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 5, 2007)

*Re: can't scream but need to*

Again I have to agree with Halo, distraction has always been the only thing that has saved me.Somehow keep your mind focused on other things  small stuff like brushing your teeth painting your nails taking a shower.just keep busy or just go to bed early.
:hug:

Sounds like your best bet is to just put yourself to bed
get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:friends:

Braveheart...
I hope your resting well and safely...talk to you tomorrow or later if you need to .But I hoping you have a restful night sleep and awake with quiet and peaceful thoughts.
:hug:


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## Auburn (Dec 6, 2007)

Braveheart;

I wish I was more equipped to help you through this, but what I can tell you is that, you have made a difference in my life.  You are a strong person and I know, you will find your way.  If there is anything I can ever help with, I am here.  We all are.

Brightest blessings


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## braveheart (Dec 6, 2007)

Thank you.

Last night was ok, because of the medication. But I feel just as raw and vulnerable and wanting to hurt myself this morning. I just feel so so drained and sad.


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## Halo (Dec 6, 2007)

Braveheart,

I am glad that you made it through the night and took the medication to help you sleep.  I can understand how the feelings are still so present but just remember and hang onto the fact that you have therapy this morning and will be able to talk about and release those emotions soon.

Good luck with your appointment.
Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Laurie1407 (Dec 6, 2007)

Goodmorning:wave4:
Glad to hear you had a good night sleep, not so good that your thoughts are still in a bad place.
Hope your day moves your thoughts in a more postive and stronger direction.
just keep busy and re-focusing your thoughts on other things today.
Be kind to youself,because you know we only truly have one self and you need to take care of it.
So try and hang in there and try to get over the bump in your road.
I'm rooting for you
:cheerleader:
Laurie


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## braveheart (Dec 6, 2007)

I did hurt myself this morning. But not severely. My therapist reminded me that I've not done any real or lasting damage. 
Therapy this morning was soothing and intense, but more mellow than yesterdays. I was in a more... steady place, I guess...And I could express my feelings and where they came from clearly. 

Thank you for being there for me through this, it means a lot.


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## Halo (Dec 6, 2007)

I am glad that you had therapy today and that it was soothing and it seemed to go well :hug:

Even though you did hurt yourself, it wasn't severe and that is something to be proud of.  For the amount of pain that you were experiencing, it could have been much worse. 

I am proud of you for making it through the overwhelming feelings and getting to your therapy....I think you did good :goodjob:

Take care :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## braveheart (Dec 6, 2007)

Thanks Halo.



> For the amount of pain that you were experiencing, it could have been much worse.



You are right. And I am touched by your words. 

I've come back to myself, for now. I need to make the most of this respite.


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