# Hardly been touched



## Furious J (Aug 9, 2011)

This is one of the harder parts of my life.    

I'm alone.  I've always been alone.  My entire life.   I've never had anything resembling a positive relationship with any woman.  No high school crushes, no weekend flings, no significant others.  I've never been good at communicating like that.  Frankly, I'm not comfortable with the usual dating rituals.    Intimacy is difficult for me.  Sex is nearly impossible.  I've never even spent the night with someone.  What I have been capable of has left me feeling worse than the times when I had just made excuses and ran.  It makes me sick just to be writing about it.

I used to think that I could go on like this.  No love, no companion, no connection, no sex.   But, now it brings me so much pain that I can barely contain myself when I start thinking about empty my life has been.  
I'm far from perfect; and I don't really have much to offer.  But, all that I ever wanted for myself was some compassion.  Some understanding.  It's all very frightening to me and I wish that I could find someone who would just work with me, grab me when I panic and tell me that it was ok.

The women that have made it into my life have been particularly cruel. I won't get into details.  But, suffice to say it's all been disastrous.  I don't trust women any more.   

It's all just a big joke to me.   Everybody's pairing off.  Everybody has somebody.  Even if for nothing else but temporary mutual comfort.    

I have no one.  I'm the only one in my entire circle of friends who's always alone.  Luckily, no-one ever questions me.  I don't know how I would respond     

I'm broken.  I can't even achieve the basic purpose of a man.  I don't even know what it feels like.  I hate myself so much


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## AmZ (Aug 9, 2011)

*Re: Hardly been touched.*

You sound like you are extremely hard on yourself. 

Do you see a therapist? If so, what does s/he have to say about this? 

Try to cut yourself some slack


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## Daniel (Aug 9, 2011)

It's not surprising given your diagnosis of A.S.    

For example:
Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People With Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want

YouTube - THIS EMOTIONAL LIFE | Asperger's Syndrome / Loneliness

Related books:
Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger's Love Story
Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships
Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs
22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome
The Asperger Love Guide: A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome
Asperger relationships - Google Books

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> I'm broken...I hate myself so much



Now that is your depression talking, IMHO.     People with depression tend to awfulize about how bad things are, be hypercritical of themselves, and focus on the problem rather than the solution (e.g. therapy and joining local support groups). 

One way therapy can help is by helping you with self-acceptance (self-compassion):

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/24443-introducing-compassion-focused-therapy-in-cbt.html

It can be hard to be happy and proactive without such self-acceptance.


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## Justaday (Aug 9, 2011)

If it makes you feel any better-- I avoid relationships and sex like the plague.  It Is a plague as far as I'm concerned-- Now I know that probably might sound unhealthy of me.  No-one procreated in my family-- too damn traumatized, too horrified.  I'm capable of socialization, and I'm even reasonably attractive still, but unless I found a relationship of mutual respect and non-exploitive, I'm much happier being on my own.  It doesn't mean that I wouldn't want an intimate relationship, but also now doesn't seem like good timing for me.  I've developed some maturity, through healing through stuff, but I think to better my chances, it'd be better to have both my feet on the ground.  I want to work towards fuller independence, and I'm not there yet, presently on Disability.

I'm very uncomfortable about the 'usual dating rituals' as well, which these days seem to be about going to the bar, getting drunk and going home with someone-- no thanks, not for me (plus putting up with some bad music, lol-- equally, no thanks  ).

Manlyhood as defined by . . . those particular acts, IMO, is not a true measure of what I would consider manly-- I look to character, principles, honesty, respect.  I think the general culture is sick, way too much emphasis on sex and sexuality.

I have an old high school friend, I knew from way back and he's going through some 'heartbreak' right now.  He's constantly assessing my availability (so, naturally I put some distance between myself and him and am very clear I'm not available, but I am getting tired of him asking that. . .and I wouldn't trust being alone with him, that he wouldn't try to pull something, but "call it love". . .) and the availability of others-- it's like he absolutely needs to be in a relationship to feel a sense of worth and value.  As a result, he keeps winding up in really unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships and that's been hurting his children, as well as the fact of his alcohol addiction and that's not helping him at all, nor his kids (his son, steals, criminal, and more serious addiction issues, dangerously addicted).  I think he screws himself up because his sense of manlyhood is also confined by that stereotypically, very narrow definition.  

I'm sure there are possibly other people out there who think similarly, many are actually choosing to remain single, till they find a person of the right qualities.  There are women out there who do not like to be objectified on the basis of superficialities, appearances, etc., or others wanting sex and who don't care about getting to know them, that are hurt from being treated that way. 

 I wouldn't assume that all who have 'paired off' are gloriously happy either, some are in suffocating co-dependent drama-filled relationships-- too much distraction from actually enjoying their lives, mental and emotional abuse, power and control games, toxic-- I've rarely known a couple who are truly content, but I have met a few which I believe that is the case.  I prefer being alone, then pulled into something really toxic that wouldn't give me the space I need to heal, and become well and whole in myself.  I also get to enjoy my life, small moments which are all my own, not distracted by others.  Quite frankly, I think I'd be happy in a monastery where others don't over-cling to me and mind their own business   The sweetness of silence-- highly under-rated   Even better if it were a monastery in the mountains somewhere, I would love that   "I'm going for a 'mindfulness walk' "-- yeah, hiking, awesome scenery 

I just know that I just need to choose what is right for me for where I'm at.  Never mind what others are doing with their lives-- that's their lives, maybe it's right or not right for them, who knows, it's not for me to judge.  I'm engaged with my healing and recovery process and in trying to live a balanced life-- that's a handful enough for me right now.  If I get to a place where that feels right for me, and I'm on solid footing with myself, then maybe I could juggle more, but for now, I enjoy a simplified live.


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## Daniel (Aug 9, 2011)

Also: 

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psycholo...icycle-for-some-people-intimacy-is-toxic.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/19732-how-i-discovered-that-living-single-was-my-true-happily-ever-after.html

Why Coupling Is Not On My Bucket List


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## Andy (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi Furious J,

It is so easy to compare yourself to others when your around people that have significant others and you seem to be the one without a lot of the time or even all of the time. Are you fine with being alone? Like is it just these situations that sort of throw it in your face and remind you that your alone or are you normally okay with it? 
Your not broken. Your a man. You just haven't found the right person for your life yet. I imagine it's a little more difficult to find someone when you have something like AS and you need to find someone who is a little more understanding. I'm in the same boat, I don't have AS but do have my own issues and sadly not everyone is walking around with full awareness of certain mental illnesses so it's hard for them to grasp. I assure you though, there are people out there still that do understand and you will find yours. Try not to get down on yourself about it. 

P.S I realize you already answered my question in the previous post, I got a phone call while I was typing this to you so you got in here and wrote something before I hit send.


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## Furious J (Aug 9, 2011)

@ AmZ:  I'm yet to bring this up in therapy.   It's a sensitive issue that's very hard to discuss in person.  Just writing about it brings me close to a breakdown.   If it weren't for the small bit of anonymity that this forum provides, I wouldn't have brought it up.

I try not to be so hard on myself.  But, my history starts to weigh on me after a while.  



@ Daniel:   I appreciate the links.  But I don't know if it's just the depression talking.   The fact of the matter is that 99% f the time, my condition is a deal breaker.   I'm either misleading people, or driving them away with the truth.   There's no good time to tell someone about having a mental illness.   I become either a liar, or just damaged goods.


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## Andy (Aug 9, 2011)

Furious J said:


> The fact of the matter is that 99% f the time, my condition is a deal breaker.   I'm either misleading people, or driving them away with the truth.   There's no good time to tell someone about having a mental illness.   I become either a liar, or just damaged goods.



I relate to this so much. You either tell someone straight up about your illness and they back away or you hide it from them and tell them later and thet back away because you weren't honest with them. It's basically trial and error though, hoping that the one person you do tell is cool with it. The trial and error part is heartbreaking though.


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## Daniel (Aug 9, 2011)

> I'm either misleading people, or driving them away with the truth. There's no good time to tell someone about having a mental illness. I become either a liar, or just damaged goods.



True, having a mental illness puts you in a minority status, but, like being a vegan or a motorcycle rider, that minority status is also a way to meet people.

In other words, have you thought about socializing (offline, in "real life") with other people with mental illness?


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## Furious J (Aug 9, 2011)

@ STP


> Are you fine with being alone? Like is it just these situations that sort of throw it in your face and remind you that your alone or are you normally okay with it?



Ya know.  That's the ridiculous part.   I was ok with it.  Now, I'm not.  I now have access to emotions that were....not available before.  On the advice of my psychiatrist, I stopped taking my latest prescription after almost 4 years.   It was making me fat and lazy.  They were becoming more trouble than they were worth.  So, I stopped.  Cold turkey.  It was horrible.   But, 1-2 months later... I start becoming active.  My health improves, my libido goes insane.  Now I realize that I've changed.  I don't want to go back to that life.  I don't want to be that guy, any more.   I want the intimacy.  I want to be needed.  I want every bit of drama that comes with it.  I'm tired of "nothing"

It has been hard, though.  I'm sure that you know as to how I've been treated.  There is more ignorance and cruelty out there than I had ever imagined.  It's outright dangerous.  I've actually had to tell someone "No...  I'm not abusive"  As if they would know from looking at me...    Unreal... I've never laid hands on anyone who wasn't trying to hurt me, first.  But...you say the words "mental illness" and you're a born suspect.


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## Andy (Aug 9, 2011)

Well this is a good thing then. I mean it may cause you some struggles because now there is that whole dating issue etc. but you may just meet the one without having to stress about dating too.  
Maybe now would be a good time to join some kind of group,sports or same interest type thing where you could meet like minded people as Daniel suggested. 

There are some cruel people out there but you have to believe that there are some pretty cool people out there too and just be thankful you find out quick who the cruel ones are, so you can push them out of your life and continue on looking for the cool ones. It's hard, I totally understand.


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