# Fighting for my life



## Cat Dancer (Dec 26, 2007)

This is how I feel, that I'm literally fighting for life. Trying to defeat the depression and anxiety and darkness which overcomes me. It's so hard. Sometimes I feel so weak and small. And helpless. But I'm not really any of those things and I have to remember that. I'm not incompetent in spite of what some people may think or say. I make mistakes, but I hold on to reality pretty well. At least I think I do. Well, I try to anyway.

Does anyone ever feel like you're fighting for your life?


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## braveheart (Dec 26, 2007)

Yes. 

*sits with you*


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 26, 2007)

Thank you. :hug: :hug:


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## braveheart (Dec 26, 2007)

:hug:

Sometimes you have to just let go and accept and not fight against the demons. Sometimes when you fight them less their power diminishes. 
I tried to explain this to someone earlier, and it's hard to describe.
It's not letting them take control, but observing them without acting on them, if that makes sense...


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 26, 2007)

It does make sense. Thank you.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 26, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Sometimes you have to just let go and accept and not fight against the demons. Sometimes when you fight them less their power diminishes. I tried to explain this to someone earlier, and it's hard to describe. It's not letting them take control, but observing them without acting on them, if that makes sense...



That's very similar to what I say to OCD clients or people with obsessive or OCD-like worrying styles...

Let the thought or feeling come, don't fight it, just identify it as a feeling or worry ("oh, there's another one of my worrying thoughts"), and just let it pass through you.


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## dark (Dec 27, 2007)

David Baxter said:


> That's very similar to what I say to OCD clients or people with obsessive or OCD-like worrying styles...
> 
> Let the thought or feeling come, don't fight it, just identify it as a feeling or worry ("oh, there's another one of my worrying thoughts"), and just let it pass through you.



Well, I live with OCD everyday and "gave in" or accepted myself several years ago - it took too much energy fighting otherwise.  My "condition" is manageable fortunately or tolerable enough where I can be a productive member of society.


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## prozacian (Dec 29, 2007)

Janet,

Yes, yes I have felt that way.  It is a fight for your life.  And it is certainly a fight worth living.  Controlling your thoughts is a tough process.  Perhaps your negative thoughts have been drilled in there by friends and family.  Unfortunately this is often the case.  You repeat those negative thoughts over and over every day.  Try consciously replacing those thoughts.  Put new positive thoughts in your brain.  Do this religiously and fight like heck to keep the negative ones out.  This is certainly easier said than done.  Trust me I know.

Best wishes


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## lallieth (Dec 29, 2007)

Janet I feel like this each time I have a panic attack,like iam fighting for survival.What I have learned to do over the years is detach myself from my body...let the feelings wash over me and observe,almost from the outside looking in..

Trying to control anxiety is difficult and so its better to give up that control..the more you fight the worst it seems to get...you can observe what your body is going through without actually acknowledging and giving it more power..if that makes any sense


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 29, 2007)

Thanks for your replies. You all are right about detaching from it and changing my negative thoughts. I have so many negative thoughts. 

I am just hurting so much. I feel as though my life is a waste and I should not be. I'm not a productive member of society. I just take. It all hurts so badly. My heart hurts. I've made so many mistakes and I don't forgive myself. How do I keep going after all of this?


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## lallieth (Dec 29, 2007)

Janet said:


> Thanks for your replies. You all are right about detaching from it and changing my negative thoughts. I have so many negative thoughts.
> 
> I am just hurting so much. I feel as though my life is a waste and I should not be. I'm not a productive member of society. I just take. It all hurts so badly. My heart hurts. I've made so many mistakes and I don't forgive myself. How do I keep going after all of this?


You stand in front of a mirror and you repeat to yourself.. " I am who I am, I accept myself I forgive myself,I love myself"

There are no such things as mistakes Janet,only lessons.What we sometimes consider mistakes,have to be seen as stepping stones,to help guide our way as we learn life lessons.

Each fear,each sadness,each moment of joy will teach us something.We are all students and we are all teachers.Everyone one of us touches another human in some form or another,a gentle word,a small act of kindness,a smile,this is how we interact in our daily lives.

What you don't realize is that,if you smile at a stranger, you may have helped that one person more than you know.Perhaps that person was feeling down and your smile made them feel a part of something.

You are important to this world,you have to teach as well as learn.You have to share your wisdom and knowledge with other's just as they will with you.

Each day brings another chance,another chance to learn,another chance to teach...another chance to smile at a perfect stranger


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 29, 2007)

Thanks for all you said. I will try to remember that I may touch people's lives positively and not even know it. I just feel so lost right now. Well, I always feel lost, but it's worse lately.


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## pocono (Dec 29, 2007)

Janet

I too have made many mistakes which I regret.  I'm trying to forgive myself, which is hard.  There is a song I listen to these days.  It is by Sinaid O'Conner called "This is to mother you".  If you google the title, you will be able to read the lyrics, which are quite soothing.  

Peace to you.

Janet - here are the lyrics for you to read.....I think of the narrator as God....I've made a lot of mistakes in distress.....

This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you
This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn't do
Which is to mother you
All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the 'wrong' things you have done
I will take from you when I come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss, yes
I will give you tenderness
For child I am so glad I've found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you
And I'm here to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you


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## poohbear (Dec 29, 2007)

Janet said:


> I feel as though my life is a waste and I should not be. I'm not a productive member of society. I just take. It all hurts so badly. My heart hurts. I've made so many mistakes and I don't forgive myself. How do I keep going after all of this?



Janet:  I don't post here often, but have decided to change that so Im just jumping right in, responding here.  And in response to the above,  I know that what you are feeling is valid (to you)-- because I feel similar things and know that people tell me "Oh, that's not true..."  But I just wanted to point out to you that in the 2 years I have been on this site, you have posted SO many helpful things here.  I believe you have even posted in reply to me sometimes.  You have over 4,000 posts to your credit!  And I am certain MOST of those were in response to what someone else was feeling-- to try to help them understand either how YOU feel about their situation, or to help them understand themselves. 

I just wanted you to see that you ARE a giving person.  You ARE helping.  You ARE a "productive member of society".  And MY heart hurts, knowing that you may be feeling even remotely close to what I have been feeling lately.  I'm sorry.  I know it hurts.  I feel it, too.  You are not alone, though.  And I hope that we will see this through, so we can experience the good.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 30, 2007)

Pocono, I love the words of that song. Very touching. Thank you for posting that to me. 

Poohbear, I've been kind of speechless about what you wrote because as you probably understand it's hard to hear good things about myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you wrote. It really touched me and made me feel good inside.  I want so much to matter to others, to be there for others and to make a difference in a positive way in the world and if I'm doing that here then I am very thankful for the opportunity to do so. 

Thank you from all my heart.


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## SoSo (Jan 2, 2008)

Janet,
I have to totally agree with Poohbear.  You are always 'there' for others, to give us encouragement or a hug when we need it:grouphug:  You give so much of yourself, perhaps it is time to give yourself a huuuuuge hug.
Feisty


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