# Big mistake?



## Cindy (Oct 29, 2019)

I think I made a big mistake. First some background, I am married with 4 kids. I am not happily married, and I am a flirt. My therapist is male. I think I am experiencing what's called transference. I'm obsessed with him and feel like I am dependent on him. I have read about and know all the ethical boundaries so when I asked this question, it was more from a shock/curiosity standpoint. The question I asked was 

If I was not married, and there were no ethical boundaries and we had the perfect scenario would you be interested?. He told me he has never had a client ask that question and did not feel comfortable answering it without consulting outside resources. Now I regret asking the question and wish I could take it back. Should I send him an email telling him to disregard the question? Or just wait for our next session, and his response?


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 29, 2019)

I'd say that's totally your choice. Do you still want to hear the answer to your question or would you rather just put it behind you?


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## Cindy (Oct 29, 2019)

Yes and no. I don’t want him to get in trouble for answering it(i was told it could get him in trouble) so i wish could just retract it. Too bad you can’t unhear things right? But i truly believe his answer could benefit my therapy! There in lies the dilemma!


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 29, 2019)

He won’t “get in trouble” for answering your question.


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## Cindy (Oct 29, 2019)

And you know this how? Because the lady that told me was a therapist too. Also, if I wait for an answer, even though he said he wouldn’t refer me out, could he get the advice to refer me out, or could his boss make him refer me out? If this happens, I’m done with therapy. It took me too long to find  a therapist i like and I refuse to start over!


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 29, 2019)

You asked a question. He replied that he wanted to get some advice before answering. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

Could someone recommend that he refer out? That’s possible. Not the best advice but possible.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 29, 2019)

How to Deal with Transference in Therapy

A Client's Guide to Transference | Psychology Today Canada

Transference: What It Means and How It May Be Used in Therapy


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## Daniel (Oct 30, 2019)

Cindy said:


> I am not happily married



Have you tried marriage counseling?


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## Cindy (Oct 30, 2019)

Been there did that years ago. I’m not sure he’s up for it again, plus we can’t afford it. I already see a 2 neurologists (1 for TBI 1 for vestibular.)  a TBI therapist, and a psychiatrist.


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## Daniel (Oct 30, 2019)

Perhaps something you discovered during marriage counseling may apply now?    As you may know, the book _The Five Love Languages _ has been very popular:

The Five Love Languages - Psychlinks Psychology  Mental Health Blog

A cofounder of CBT,  Aaron Beck, also has a book:

Love is Never Enough


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## Cindy (Oct 30, 2019)

Well you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip or so they say. I’m not willing to give up one of my much needed TBI appointments to squeeze in another, and I’m not comfortable with my current therapist do OUR marriage counseling.


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## gooblax (Oct 30, 2019)

Was there anything that you learned during marriage counselling last time, that might help now? Either things that weren't working then, or things that were working but the two of you fell out of the habit of doing them?

I've been watching Jayson Gaddis on YouTube - he's a relationship coach (was a therapist before deciding he could make more $ and work with the types of clients he prefers through coaching instead), and has some tips that seem helpful to me.


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## Daniel (Oct 30, 2019)

Cindy said:


> Well you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip or so they say.



In that case, maybe more boundaries would help:

5 Boundaries That Actually Bolster Your Bond in Your Marriage


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## Daniel (Oct 30, 2019)

Similarly, in case it is applicable: Do You Feel Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? | Psychology Today


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## Cindy (Oct 30, 2019)

Still can't afford it, doesn't matter if something we discussed before applies now, we don't have the money to hash it out.

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I believe the previous issues have nothing to do with our current issues. The ways we used to heal our marriage before have changed and we are in a different place then we were before. Let me put it this way, I believe most of our issues are my fault, and I feel as though I need to work on my own psyche before working on ours.


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## gooblax (Oct 31, 2019)

Cindy said:


> Still can't afford it, doesn't matter if something we discussed before applies now, we don't have the money to hash it out.


I don't understand - do  you need a 3rd party to be able to discuss things together? Do you need a 3rd party to both watch a YouTube vid or read an article and discuss it? Does that cost extra money somehow? 



Cindy said:


> I believe the previous issues have nothing to do with our current issues. The ways we used to heal our marriage before have changed and we are in a different place then we were before. Let me put it this way, I believe most of our issues are my fault, and I feel as though I need to work on my own psyche before working on ours.


OK, that's another thing and fair enough if that's what you need. Have you shared this need with him, and/or has he been discussing what he needs in the relationship?


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## Cindy (Oct 31, 2019)

A third party, ie, a counselor can offer things that we don’t think of. Just taking the time for each other is difficult unless we have a scheduled appointment. We have 4 kids 3 at home, and he works more than a 40 hour week, then has to come home and cook and do half the housework and prompt me to do things, by that time he’s exhausted. Plus like I said I’m not sure he wants to go that route, and am not sure he realizes it’s that bad. Since my TBI, I I don’t communicate well, a third party, especially one we take time out of our day to see, could prompt communication. But that costs $, and I already have 5 docs i see throughout the month some of them 3-5 times a month.


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## Daniel (Oct 31, 2019)

Housework is the worst.  I had to do all the housework for two weeks after my husband had back surgery, and I would leave a ton of dishes for the next day.   The only thing that helps me is watching TV or listening to something else while doing it. Sometimes it can be fun that way in spurts.   And of course buying paper plates 


The only time I am super motivated to do housework is when I know guests/family are coming over.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 31, 2019)

For me, it depends on the type of housework. Some of it I don't mind. It's rather repetitive and can even be relaxing if you listen to some music while you're doing it.

Unfortunately, some of the things I used to not mind doing are more difficult now with various medical issues. For example, after four surgeries on my right leg, I can no longer kneel on that leg without quite a bit of pain, even with a cushion. That makes some tasks, like cleaning the bath, a bit more tricky and definitely not relaxing.


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## Cindy (Nov 1, 2019)

As of today, my appointment with this therapist, this question has been handled, but I want to thank everyone for their input except the people who were bashers and really didn't answer the question at hand, but chose instead to belittle and bash me!




Cindy said:


> I think I made a big mistake.  I think I am experiencing what's called transference. I'm obsessed with him and feel like I am dependent on him. I have read about and know all the ethical boundaries so when I asked this question, it was more from a shock/curiosity standpoint. The question I asked was
> 
> If I was not married, and there were no ethical boundaries and we had the perfect scenario would you be interested?. He told me he has never had a client ask that question and did not feel comfortable answering it without consulting outside resources. Now I regret asking the question and wish I could take it back. Should I send him an email telling him to disregard the question? Or just wait for our next session, and his response?


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 1, 2019)

Cindy said:


> As of today, my appointment with this therapist, this question has been handled, but I want to thank everyone for their input except the people who were bashers and really didn't answer the question at hand, but chose instead to belittle and bash me!



Who belittled and bashed you? I didn't see any of that in this thread.


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## Daniel (Nov 1, 2019)

Cindy said:


> really didn't answer the question at hand


Sometimes the most effective answers/solutions are not directly related to the problem, as in Solution-Focused Therapy and the concept of post-traumatic growth in narrative therapy.


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## Cindy (Nov 1, 2019)

I’m sorry, it was on another forum. Kept inferring I was trying to seduce my therapist or wanted to elicit sex!


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 1, 2019)

Oh, sorry @Cindy. That was definitely both unkind and unhelpful.


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## gooblax (Nov 1, 2019)

Cindy said:


> Kept inferring I was trying to seduce my therapist or wanted to elicit sex!


Yikes, that certainly does sound unhelpful.

I can understand the curiosity of wanting to know what one's therapist thinks about them. In my case, I wonder about different things such as whether my therapist likes me as a person... not because I want anything to do with him outside of therapy, but just because I don't think I'm very likeable in general.

I hope the answer/response that you got from your therapist was helpful, whatever it ended up being.


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## Cindy (Nov 1, 2019)

YES, it made me cry &#55357;&#56866;.

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gooblax said:


> Yikes, that certainly does sound unhelpful.
> 
> I can understand the curiosity of wanting to know what one's therapist thinks about them. In my case, I wonder about different things such as whether my therapist likes me as a person... not because I want anything to do with him outside of therapy, but just because I don't think I'm very likeable in general.
> 
> I hope the answer/response that you got from your therapist was helpful, whatever it ended up being.


 

At the suggestions of his colleagues, he did not answer the question. To which I asked him as a therapist who uses CBT, how is my transference for him dealt with, to which he replied that by bringing it out in the open, we’ve dealt with it!? WTF? Now I’m even more confused!:facepalm:

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David Baxter said:


> Oh, sorry @Cindy. That was definitely both unkind and unhelpful.



Yes, it made me cry!


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