# Dont want to be alive anymore



## Techie

I am so tired of fighting all these bad feelings and thoughts... I have no fight left.

I am SO tired.

Nothing helps anymore...

Ive been to so many doctors, so many psychiatrists, Ive been on so many medications, so many therapies for so many years.... I just dont want it anymore.

My life is just so messed up.  Everything I do I mess up.  Every effort I make just makes things worse.  Now I have dragged my wife and child into my garbage life.

It was such a mistake getting married !!  Such a mistake having a child !  Oh my god !  How could I help bring a child into my life !!  I am such a rotten horrible person.  He should not be near me !  He should be so far away from me... not see me.  He deserves so much better.  I cannot be a father for him... I am too messed up in the head.

It does not matter that I am smart... I am so messed up !!!

I want to run away from here... I dont belong here... but I have no place else to go !  I dont belong anywhere !!  I want to disappear.  I just dont want to think or feel anymore.

I cant contribute... I cant keep a f'ing job !  My messed up head makes short work of that !  I cant even keep my school studies up... and even if I did finish... I would not end up in a job... or I will mess that up too.  I am so worthless... I dont deserve to be alive.

I wish God could just give my life to somebody else who wants one... so many people fight for a life and here I am... one who does not want one and I cant end it.

I cant take it anymore.  I dont want it anymore.

I dont care about anything anymore.  I am so tired.

Doctors and hospitals and medication and therapy... it just does not help me... I am trapped in my mind... my lost... damaged... cancerous mind.  Its a prison.  I cannot escape.  Nothing has ever helped.


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## Cat Dancer

I wish I could think of something helpful to say. 

I have had similar thoughts, especially about wishing I could give my strength and life to someone else, but I also know that life is precious. Your life is precious. You have a son who needs you. I know you hurt so much and life has been so hard for you and I'm so sorry for that. 

Is there anything you like to do that is fun or distracting that you could get your mind of things for awhile?


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## HA

Techie,

I think you need to consider your current situation and not get too caught up in the past. 

You are recovering from major surgery and that puts you in a situation where you will be reflecting on what the surgery was about and dealing with all the new issues that come up with that: new diet; uncertainty about the benefits; disturbed sleep; pain, discomfort and mobility problems.

It seems to be the way though, when we are under the weather we lose track of what to deal with in the moment.

Are you seeing a dietician that is helping you with the recovery issues around your surgery? Are you seeing a therapist to also help with this? 

Unfortunately, Techie, you can't change the past and what life had dealt you, but you can keep trying until you find something that works for you. Realistically there may not be a *cure* for your previous life experiences but on the other hand, realistically we all have the capacity to make our lives better.

Take it one day at a time and as doctor Baxter often says, right now you are just going through a tunnel and there is a light at the other end.


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## Techie

Thank you, and please don’t take this the wrong way... but this is all stuff I know.  I know all of this... I tried all of this... I tell others all of this... but it does not help me.  It never has.

I have nothing in my life that is positive (or that I think of as positive).  Even with my psych/therapist... We could not find one thing in my life that I enjoy or that gives me a positive feeling.

We went through this whole activity that is supposed to 'infallibly prove' you have things that are positive in your life and we could not come up with anything.  NOTHING.  Yes, some of the things we discussed 'should' be positives but I do not feel positive about any of them... they are all bad things to me.

I have no interests in anything.  No hobbies... no loves any more nothing.  I don’t care about anything anymore.  The things I used to care about I don’t anymore.  No friends, no family I care about, no income, no career or career prospects, no home life, no intimacy (I am married) no outside interests of any kind and most importantly... I don’t care that I don’t have any of those.  I have lost my ability to care.  I don’t care anymore.

I am trapped in my life of pain with no prospect of things getting any better and only worse.  The longer I am sick... the more bills pile up.  The further behind in lessons I get.  I have been waiting MANY MANY years to see the light at the end of that tunnel but I can tell you there is not one for me I think.

It may sound like I am angry, but I am not.  I am just too tired of fighting against it all.  I have no interest to.  But I am keenly aware of being trapped.  Being forced to watch this torture.  Every year things have grown progressively worse... no respite.

It is like my mind and soul has died already.

What chance do I have like this ?


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## HA

Techie,

When was the last time you talked with your Psych/therapist? Dietician?


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## Daniel

> I have no interests in anything. No hobbies... no loves any more nothing.



I used to have this feeling. Everything was, at best, a distraction.  Even if something was pleasurable like reading or watching TV, it didn't mean much to me.    

Do you find going online, for example, to at least be a distraction?


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## David Baxter PhD

It's called *anhedonia* -- loss of ability to feel pleasure.

It's one of the symptoms of depression.


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## Daniel

I forgot all about the term anhedonia.   (It reminds me of the very unpopular ethical system called _negative utilitarianism,_ in which the goal is to minimize pain with no regard to maximizing pleasure.)




> Every year things have grown progressively worse... no respite.



I have a very low standard for what is a "respite" since I even consider sleep a respite.  

My favorite respite when I was severely depressed was waking up from anesthesia after a session of ECT.  For a second, I didn't remember who or where I was, and I just felt peace.  It must have been the anesthesia.

My second favorite respite was watching Seinfeld on TV.

Have you tried meditation lately, by the way?  Like humming OM....  (also pronounced "AUM") ? It's not an answer to depression, but it can be a respite.

Also, though the lapband surgery is an ongoing financial issue, it is an accomplishment in-and-of itself.


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## Techie

Hi HeartArt, I last saw my psych a couple of days ago... and my dietician a couple days before the surgery... so just over a week ago...

Daniel, yeah... my computer is the only 'distraction' I have.  The problem is its the ONLY distraction I have so I spend too much time in front of it.  I cant stand being near anybody... I dont want to go out.


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## HA

Hello Techie,

What you are going through.....major diet changes and recovery from the surgery, could very easily exaserbate your depression. I'm glad you are taking good care of yourself by continuing to stay connected to your health care providers.

You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but don't forget that there is one there. Just focus on relaxing and healing for the next little while. Spend the time at your computer and try to enjoy it. When you have healed enough to start getting on with the other parts of your life, then deal with them at that time with your therapist.

Here are some support groups online for lapband surgery. 

Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos 

Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos 

Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos (a group started by bandsters in southeast Michigan for individuals who have had or are thinking about having lap band surgery) 

Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos (a group dedicated to answering lap band related insurance questions)

Maybe you will find another group there that can develop into a hobbie. 

What about collecting, puzzles, art, photography, planes, boats and automobiles?....I think that was a movie...I'm sure if you continued to browse through the thousands of group topics, there would be something that would spark a possibility of interest for when you are feeling more up to it.


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## Techie

Thank you everybody.

It is so hard to get past these feelings that drag me down.  Sometimes it is even so hard  to live day by day !

I forced myself to clean out the fish-tank.  At least they wont die now from neglect.  And I watched a movie on TV with my wife and son...

Its tough... I use the word 'force' and I guess that is what it feels like... but after I do it... my mind is not on all the bad things... I was thinking that I would like to get a bigger fish tank and have maybe marine fish (my son loves Nemo so I would like to get a couple of clown fish)... I was not thinking that 12 hours ago I can tell you.

Thank you everybody.  Having you all here HAS made a difference.  Thank you.

There will be ups and downs... I just need a bit of help through the downs.  

Kev


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## HA

Someone will always be here to help you through your downs, Techie. 

On my first experience with depression I also had to force myself to find ways to distract myself. For me it was getting out and connecting to people. Now, whenever I am feeling at my lowest point I get out and spend some time with other people doing fun things. I say "force" because I really don't want to go but I go anyway. It never fails that I have a good time and I always feel so much better. That's what works for me. 

I'm so glad you are taking care of your fish! I used to have a small tropical fish tank when the kids were younger. They now have a vacuum that you can use to clean the tank instead of having to change the water. I would think you would have to change the water at some point though.

I loved the Nemo movie!


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## ThatLady

It does sometimes feel like one has to force oneself to do something productive when feeling down. Yet, it's the fact that we're not doing anything but sitting around dwelling on our problems that is bringing us down in the first place. If we can just get together the gumption to get up and start doing something worthwhile instead of wallowing in our own misery, we usually find we start to feel better.

I had a tank with marine fish some years ago. They're really pretty, but they take a huge amount of time and dedication. Be sure you're ready to take on the responsibility before you invest, because the fish and their environment are very expensive, as well.


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## Daniel

> A recent survey of more than 300 [non-clinically depressed] Californians ranked exercise as the surest way out of a bad mood. *Listening to music* was a close second.
> 
> Source: Psychology Today


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