# No one  understands



## forgetmenot (Feb 12, 2019)

how can they
 emotional pain it so much harder to endure
i really really want this all of it to end
i will not be here ok to bury someone else i won't 
i just won't  i can't do this anymore i can't
never ever ever wanted to be here anyways 
but i stay i stay for everyone else but it is getting way too hard too hard
i don't want to be here anymore not knowing what will be next who will be next 
i have never felt so low well to this point of not wanting to stay
holding on for what for change it never comes hope comes then leaves as fast as it came
there is no compassion there is no compassion there is NO compassion 
i feel less then garbage less then nothing now. 
oh god oh god just end it ok for me  just end it.


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## Daniel (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*



forgetmenot said:


> but i stay i stay for everyone else but it is getting way too hard too hard



Maybe it would help to put yourself first and just worry about what you need?


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## Daniel (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

The Inner Voice that Drives Suicide


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## forgetmenot (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Thanks Daniel i tried to phone crisis could not let it ring through

 Could not talk to anyone anyways too um gone.

 phoned therapist twice knew no answer left two msg 
  i um could not stand emotions  could not stand the pain  i ran out in the snow 
 i shoveled large deck again in storm  kept shovelling shovelling until i felt nothing again 

  inside now cold but i don't mind feeling cold anymore  rather that then what i was feeling 

 i am wanting to go away i really am wanting a place to just disappear i really just want to disappear  .

oh god pain just too much now too much


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## Daniel (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

I sometimes read myself through the occasional I-don't-want-to-be-here days.   Even if it is a novel about suicide as a way to normalize what I am feeling.  Basically trying to buy time and distract myself until my brain "reboots."


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## gooblax (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

It's good that you left a message for your therapist FMN. Do you want to try calling the crisis line again? Or what else normally helps you get through these moments?


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## forgetmenot (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

hsb home helps when i am not alone  tired  now no need to call anyone  going to lie down a bit  noone can help when emotions hit like that  one is always alone then always  thanks for the responses  helps not one to feel like no one  sorry ugggggggg  ya need to lie down a bit .


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## gooblax (Feb 12, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

OK, I just want to say well done for making it through the intense emotions FMN. You did well with expending some of the energy with shoveling.
Hope you get some rest.


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## GaryQ (Feb 13, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

What a day for me to pick to actually be busy and not alert here for once 

FMN, You've been through a lot lately and although I am one of those that needs and counts on your encouragement and support when I feel like you do right now I also believe as Daniel stated that it's time to take care of you. 

You are a giver, Like my friend that passed away in 2015; She was a giver and also suffered from chronic depression. Her life had meaning when she was helping others and that was her greatest quality. she was, like you, such a kind and caring person. But she also needed to learn that sometimes she needed to stop and take care of her first or she would break down and not be able to do what she loved and felt that was what God had created her for. (religious beliefs are not important it's just what she believed personally and why it is stated) 

I'm glad you went out and froze the pain away and that hubby being home helped you feel not alone. 

Don't forget my friend, I've been hanging on (and it's not easy even when things seem to be going OK) for a few reasons but honestly, my real strength comes from knowing that you have been hanging on along with me in spite of all the hard knocks you have had lately.  

You're not alone and don't need to try to fight though this all alone! 
Big hug and an even bigger thank-you for being the person you are and for the impact you have had on my life in the short time I have gotten to know you.


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## forgetmenot (Feb 13, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

I hear you have to hang on so hard sometimes really don't want to feel that kind of pain again  really just takes everything in you away. 
 Ya not going to do anything today staying inside away from everything and everyone,
  Maybe just step out to get wood for fire   will have my coffee here to  no timmies today. 
  Hsb says don't answer phone turn it off i wish i could but when i do well lets just say things will get worse.
  Thanks for caring i know i can be very centered at times here but um this place allows in a way for the voice to be heard if that makes sense.  I am glad you are holding on and that you have people around you that you can talk to and reach out to.  Trying not to let dam emotions take me away  well still in my pj usually im up and out of here soon but today just staying on couch by fire.


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## GaryQ (Feb 13, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Don’t be silly. You’re not “centered” when you reach out for help here. Helping others is honorable but when you need support it’s about you and nobody else. I get you about turning off the phone not being possible but staying home today and by the fire is a great idea. I remember when I would sit by the wood furnace back in the Laurentiens that it’s probably the only place my brain could really detach from everything a bit mesmerizing actually. Plus the warmth is what it is. 

As for friends to vent and panic too it’s the same ones you have. People in our environments care but don’t really understand why, how and what we are going through in panic or crisis mode. That’s why we need to stick around to support each other. I think knowing someone “gets us” gives that extra “sticking around” strength we have but that the pain numbs our brain and we forget till someone reminds us 

Have a great day FMN! Spend the day doing what you do so well; taking care of people except today the person is you


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## forgetmenot (Feb 13, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Been shoveling deck lots of snow here but exercise is good for me and it helps to distract me.
  Then brought in more wood for fire will relax now until hsb get home.
 i hope it stops snowing soon i may go out one more time just so it does not get too heavy    

  Therapist called  i did not say what i wanted too not right really but um he wants me to look into programs for ptsd and iwill but he knows i do not like being around people i don't want to show my emotions   but i said i would look for programs so i will. 

   Sadness is still inside i can feel it but the pain i felt is not extreme like yesterday  anyways tired now will go get a drink of gingerale thirst after all that snow shoveling  take care ok


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## forgetmenot (Feb 20, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

so hard so hard more bad news girl overdosed again she got into trouble at a store  she overdosed afterwards in hospital now don't know what will become of anything anymore  i keep calling her but no answer i do hope she is in hospital i really hope she is getting help she needs.


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## GaryQ (Feb 20, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Wish I could have something comforting to say so I'll just leave it at hope your girl is ok. hang in there and big hug my friend


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## forgetmenot (Feb 20, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

she says she is in hospital she won't talk to me hangs up on me

 Told her to please please just stay safe there. I hope someone steps in  dam it she is so detached so without feelings she does not care how she harms herself anymore  

 i have not heard anything been waiting for dam phone to ring 

 i knew i just knew something was wrong i begged her to go home to just go home 

 if i had just put dam money in her account for her she would not have done this but i did not want to enable her to drink anymore i knew she would use money to just drink

anyways just waiting now  she would not tell me what she overdosed on  uggg feeling sick to my stomach hsb does not want to hear me now i don't blame him.  He is able to just shut down everything go to bed sleep  i willl be up all night now waiting.


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## Daniel (Feb 20, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

My therapist liked to endorse Glasser's choice theory (or whatever works) for not being on edge as much in response to a loved one's behavior.


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## forgetmenot (Feb 21, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

No news yet her phone is turned off  icy out here got ice storm hard for me to get out in it roads are not sanded yet 
will wait it out a bit longer  i guess no calls is a good thing right now.


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## GaryQ (Feb 21, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Great idea. Not a good time to go anywhere if the roads are icy. ER not much better than psych wards these days


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## forgetmenot (Feb 21, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Called her act team let them know where she was.  Asked them to please please reassess her meds please help her told them  how cold and detached she is, how aggressive she is.  Told them abt incident at the store   and also told them i cannot help her i don't know what to do anymore to help her.

After that i called the crisis line but this time i let it ring through omg so hard to talk to people.  The person was able to calm me down some gave me some numbers to call.  i wrote them down  don't know if i can make those calls but at least i have them . 
  Tired now so tired lord so tired oh dam phone is ringing i cannot pick it up let it leave a msg oh god no msg probably just telemarketer i hope.  cannot do this anymore  i cannot do this anymore dam phone dam it.


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## GaryQ (Feb 21, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

It's hard but you did it and I'm glad to hear you called the crisis line. a great big thank-you for finding the courage to do that !


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## gooblax (Feb 21, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Ditto on the well done for calling and staying on the lineThat was tough in itself. No need to deal with the other numbers or calls for now until you're feeling up to that. 
I'm really glad to hear that the person helped a bit.


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## forgetmenot (Feb 21, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

She was kind omg  got me to breath  take drink water slow down emotions  taking over   Why can i not take that step  my mind won't let me take that step that would bring me so much help i need but i cannot take that step   anyways no calls yet  not able to reach her phone so i take it she is still in hospital  that is good no matter how she is being treated she is safe for now there.   I need to keep me safe too i know that  i have to keep me safe too  glad the lady named Brenda help me today   hopefully my daughter gets the help she needs that is all i e ver wanted really for her to be happy and safe and stable.


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## GaryQ (Feb 22, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*



forgetmenot said:


> She was kind omg  got me to breath  take drink water slow down emotions  taking over



Isn't it comforting to know that there are still other kind and compassionate people like you out there in the world?


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## forgetmenot (Feb 28, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

wish there were more people like her


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## GaryQ (Feb 28, 2019)

*Re: no one  understands*

Yep, That's a "For Sure"


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