# I really really want to die right now...



## braveheart (Jan 19, 2007)

Its kind of complex to explain all the reasons why. Suffice to say that I hurt myself [not much] for the first time in nearly a year today. Instead of doing something 'worse'.

I am having urges to overdose, or run under a car or train.

I am too sensitive to pain to cut or hurt myself seriously.

I don't feel safe, and am ashamed of my borderline part taking over. 

I'm scared.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 19, 2007)

Hi, braveheart. I am so sorry you're feeling so badly. Can you call your therapist and tell her how badly you're feeling?


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## braveheart (Jan 19, 2007)

I've emailed her. She kind of knows anyway. Had a really difficult session today. 
This is partly abandonment anxiety depression frantic attempts to prevent 'abandonment'.... [the complex part...the terror...] and then also my mum responded to my info and letter that I sent... in a way that left me feeling unloved and uncherished as an individual. It felt insensitive. 

Plus I am not eating properly. That's an attempt to gain control and willpower so I have control over my agressive protector self, who's still emotionally a child and could get me into serious trouble. Well, I have control over her lashing out now. That's stopped.
But now I, instead of insensitive strangers, am the target. 

I read the article that's stickied, about when you feel you can't go on. that made me cry.


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## braveheart (Jan 19, 2007)

I have to get to bed now. Hopefully my meds will ease things. [I take mirtazapine, at night.]
I'm not sure if I will be able to handle work tomorrow. Not when I feel this raw. But being around people could be safer for me. I don't know.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 19, 2007)

I am thinking of you and hope you feel better. :hug:


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## Into The Light (Jan 19, 2007)

braveheart i am so sorry for what you are going through. what did your therapist say? what do you mean when you say she kind of knows? does she know you are wanting to die? or just that you are having a very difficult time right now?

if you think you just might take drastic action i strongly urge you to go to the ER. do you have any trusted friends you could count on to go with you? 

hang in there and know that we all care about you. talk to us any time. :hug::hug:


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## braveheart (Jan 20, 2007)

She knows things are difficult. She knows I want to die. [although this morning it feels more like 'I wish I'd never been born.']

I'll be ok. I always am. Somehow. I feel so raw though. Like I have no skin, no protection. 
I have noone. But that's the way its always been.


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## ThatLady (Jan 20, 2007)

You have us, Braveheart. Just reach out and realize we're here and we care about you. I'm truly sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Sometimes, the things that come up in therapy CAN throw us for a loop. It's not an easy process, but it works over time. Just hang in there. :hug:


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## braveheart (Jan 20, 2007)

Thank you.

Its a little more complex than a difficult therapy session. I know it would be easier if you knew what, but I don't feel comfortable about revealing that here.

My adult self has started to come back, for which I am greatly relieved. Because she can contain things compassionately. 

But the moments of desolation that flood through me regularly....

I grieve for the life I have never had, and never will have, even if I do live through the immense emotional pain. 

I didn't help, my parents' reaction to the info and letter I sent them. When I told my flatmate, she said that it does sound like they're actually scared, even though mum's saying that they didn't really need the info. as its 'all common sense really, and from the different people I've known...its all common sense really'... "BUT I'M YOUR DAUGHTER....." [I haven't said that though...yet...]


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## ThatLady (Jan 20, 2007)

Your flatmate is probably right, Braveheart. Your parents are probably very frightened. This, to them, is the dark unknown. They know nothing of it, and they're afraid to try to learn anything about it because then, they'd have to believe in it. If they start to believe in it, would they then find themselves at fault? Probably. That's what parents tend to do. So, it's easier for them, and much less terrifying, to just put their heads in the sand and pretend it will all go away. Hopefully, they'll come around in time.

There's no need to talk about the details here. We're here to support you in whatever way we can, whatever you may be feeling. The details don't matter. You're the one who matters. :hug:


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## Halo (Jan 20, 2007)

Braveheart,

I agree with what ThatLady said above.  I know that my parents have pretty much put their heads in the sand pretending that "it" will go away.  I on the other hand am becoming more and more open with talking about my depression and my cycles etc. and because of that they at first when I started talking became more uncomfortable. They are now, after about 2 years, becoming a little bit more comfortable with talking about my depression and cycles, although not unless I bring it up first so they still keep their heads in the sand a lot which is fine because I know they are trying the best they can.

I don't know if telling you the above is helpful at all but I just wanted to let you know that I have been in your situation with my parents and my heart truly goes out to you.  If you continue to talk with them and keep the lines of communication open, there is always the hope that they will take their heads out of the sand and truly begin to understand, when they are ready.

Take care and if you need or want to talk, I am here for you.
:hug:


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## braveheart (Jan 21, 2007)

Thank you both.

Its a case of one disappointment too many.... one devastatingly felt disappointment/felt rejection/hurt too many...

all adding up to the deep felt sense that my feelings and needs really don't matter to others .. that they 'couldn't care less'... although this isn't 100% true.... the felt sense.... crushes me...stings to the very depth of my being.


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## Halo (Jan 21, 2007)

Braveheart, 

Your feelings, thoughts and needs do matter to US :hug:  We care about you and only want what is best for you.  I know that it may feel that others couldn't care less but just try to hang on and remember that we are here for you and really do care about you, just as you are.

Take care
:hug:


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## ThatLady (Jan 21, 2007)

Nancy's right, Braveheart. Those of us here do care, and we understand. Perhaps, that's why it's easier for us to show our caring - because we have some experience with mental illness, so we aren't so afraid of sharing the ups and downs that go with it. :hug:


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## braveheart (Jan 21, 2007)

Thank you.

I haven't hurt myself today. 

I have therapy tomorrow. I hope she still cares about me.


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## Halo (Jan 21, 2007)

Braveheart,

I am very proud of you for not hurting yourself today.  I know all too well the struggle of getting through a tough time and the urge to be self destructive. I just want to say that it takes a lot of courage and strength to not hurt yourself today....you should be proud of yourself.

Good luck with your therapy tomorrow and I don't think that there is any reason that she wouldn't care about you.  You have done nothing wrong and she is there to help you.  Remember that no matter what happens that we still care about you and always will :hug:

Take care and let us know how it goes tomorrow.
:hug:


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## ThatLady (Jan 21, 2007)

Of course, she still cares about you, Braveheart. She's your therapist and she's there to help you, not to judge you. Take heart, Braveheart. :hug:


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