# I don't normally tell...



## Cavi (Jan 19, 2007)

anyone when I am suicidal...I just do it...The past week as been absolutely hell and as each day goes by I know my life sentence is getting closer...I know I'm talking in riddles...I'm not talking prison...Instead of looking forward to my (don't know what to call her) retiring, I am dreading it...

My only escape from her is when she goes to work...I am her air...She will suffocate the life out of me if she is with me 24/7...

If I would stop being such a knot head and accept my life as it is, I wouldn't be struggling with depression, but I can't...I can't stop fighting the what is...I wanted to down a bottle of pills today but I went out for a 5 mile run in the heat...

I asked her tonight if she was happy and she said sure, I have everything I need...I asked her what that was and she said you....Her world revolves around me...My ex T pounded it in my head that it wasn't her or her, it was me...I can't do this walk anymore...Sure I have all the material things I want...Some people would kill to be in my position as far as having material things....

but, I don't have validation, empathy, understanding, or someone that I can even have a simple discussion with...I don't have freedom, the only way I'll be free is to be 6 feet under...

Kudos ex T, I am listening..........................RIMH


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 19, 2007)

RIMH... who is "her", "she"?


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## Cavi (Jan 20, 2007)

David Baxter said:


> RIMH... who is "her", "she"?



She is the woman who is 21 years older than me that told me when I was 20 that if I broke the sexual part of our relationship off she would run her car into a tree and here we are 24 years later still together.....GASP! Yeah I've been in a lezzy relationship that I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIMH


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 20, 2007)

And you're still in it because she threatened suicide if you left?

Perhaps it's time to revisit that issue...


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## Cavi (Jan 20, 2007)

Hi...I wanted to let you know I saw both of your responses to my post and that I will answer them later...For you to understand (maybe maybe not) I'll have to go more into my life...Right now I have her hanging around me like a hawk....
ugggggggggggg....I want to give you the consideration of answering as you have done by replying......RIMH


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## ThatLady (Jan 20, 2007)

RIMH, you have my deepest empathy. There's nothing like being told that you'll be the cause of someone else's death if you do what's right for you. It's a nightmare!

The thing you must realize is, if this woman decides to run her car into a tree, that's her decision. It has absolutely nothing to do with you! Furthermore, it's rare as hen's teeth that people who threaten such things actually DO them. It's a control issue, RIMH. It's the way she keeps you on a string.

My heart goes out to you.


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## Cavi (Jan 20, 2007)

David Baxter said:


> And you're still in it because she threatened suicide if you left?
> 
> Perhaps it's time to revisit that issue...



Well theres a little more to it than that...I had developed OCD by the time I was 4 years old, the OCD had me so paralyzed that at 14 I developed agoraphobia...
Plus I have a learning disability, yadda yadda...When I met K she offered me the world...She would not make me leave the house or get a job if I became her partner and basicly revolved my world around her...

Hey what can I say perfect setup, I could do it, not have to face my fears...
not be ridiculed b/c I couldn't learn as fast as other people and in some things not be able to learn at all...It was great, I was bought whatever I wanted etc. but than in 1997 i started to realize I made a bargain with the devil...

She bought me a pc and i discovered chatrooms and I started to realize people weren't so bad...I started working on my OCD  but than at the end of 1997 I fell into my first deep depression...I wanted to work on me, change who I was and make something of my life...K felt threatened and started undermining me saying you don't want to go to work, people will laugh at you...She started telling me things were happening that really weren't...

In April 98 I was set to comitt suicide, I told K and she started with why am I so bad and made the whole thing about her...I clammed up and if it wasn't for my mother I would of died on my birthday...My mom figured out what I was up to, went up against K to let me go to therapy...

Enters ex T...when i first started therapy my ex T told me I needed space from K and she helped me alot...two months after I started therapy my ex T wanted K to come to session, that was the downfall of therapy...K and my ex T became friends, emailing one another, talking on the phone etc...

In 99 my mom and dad died 1 month apart and i felt like my world had been turned upside down, I wasn't able to leave my ex T and start all over again, so I stayed 8 years I stayed...I wanted to leave K MANY times and my ex T told me no, not to leave that K loved me and that i was painting K black...

my diagnosis was major depression and Borderline...(Which my new T says the borderline diagnosis is a farce) everything became MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!..

ANYTIME I would say something negative about k it was ME painting K black...K had done nothing wrong and that my ex T needed to change the way I think....Theres a whole lot to this ex T story.....

In Feb 06 I had a psychotic meltdown, in April 06 I couldn't take it anymore and I walked out on my ex T and terminated....May 06 I tried to comitt suicide and landed in ICU...

The reason i was able to tolerate K for so long after I started therapy was b/c my ex T would b" slap me verbally to put me in line and she made sure I knew it was me and not K...Now that I'm away from my ex T, K is driving me bonkers again......

I dunno, maybe I need to go back to my ex T for a good verbally lashing tio snap me back in place so K doesn;t get to me anymore...........RIMH

PS My new T told me to stay away from my ex T or my ex T would destroy me psychologically..........


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## Cavi (Jan 20, 2007)

Thanks..I'm sorry I can't write anymore, emotional overload.......RIMH


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## ThatLady (Jan 20, 2007)

Perhaps, with the help of your new therapist, you can break this chain of misery, RIMH. You'll need a bit of time to work on it, but I'm sure you can do it. You're an intelligent person. Don't let anyone tell you differently. It's obvious from the way you write and express yourself that you'll do just fine in this world without K, if that's what you want to do. You just have to get prepared and build your strength. :hug:


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## texasgirl (Jan 20, 2007)

RIMH:
I am gonna take a chance and share some information that I hope may help you in your life. I too allowed myself to get involved with a woman who focused her entire existence around me for over 13 years.  It wasn't too long after I got involved with her (she was my professor) that I tried for years to get away from the situation, especially since in my case it involved her ill treatment of my youngest daughter (my husband committed suicide - which is another story in itself).  In any case, I felt almost held hostage to her (which had a lot to do with my childhood and similiar issues there).  I convinced myself that I was being loyal, that I "owed" her since she took care of me during several hospitalizations and psychotic episodes, etc.   In the end (which for me ended in her death due to a stroke at our house), I distinctly remember feeling both sad and free at the same time - free from lying to myself about the real nature of our relationship, sad about allowing so much of my life to pass with a person who was just plain wrong for me, and in the end, sad that she was herself cheated from knowing who I really was.  I don't know whether or not this has any relevance in your life, but I hope that you are able at a minimum to work through your real needs with your therapist, who you are and what you want out of life, and to in the end not subjucate yourself to anyone who holds you hostage with suicide threats.  It is a jail that no one deserves.


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## Cavi (Jan 20, 2007)

Hi...Thxs That Lady...Texas Girl, thanks for sharing your story...My T is trying to get me prepared to walk away from K but issues with my ex T keeps popping up and we work on that for awhile...Whats making it hard for me to leave K is...
I am on SSI I get very little from that and i have severe allergies and the meds I'm on are expensive and K buys the meds for me...

I'm not agoraphobic anymore but I do still have some social settings issues and  I can't seem to get away from the stigma of the self injury and also I have a learning disability and people get reallllllllll impatient teaching me something...The OCD has been really tough to overcome but I have done it...

So financially it's really hard for me to leave K, b/c I have to have that allergy medicine but my T and I are working on it and trying to come up with a solution...I want out, but my T said I have to have all my ducks in a row b/c K will pull something, what we don't know but whatever it may be, it won't be good...

K has MAJOR MAJOR abandonment issues and when she feels threatened of losing me, she gets very very irrational...I am this womans air...She will not eat unless I eat...If I get up and go to the bathroom w/o telling her, she cries...She wants me 24/7 and NO-ONE else...Anyone interferes with that and she goes nuts...

I am not exxaggerating either...She calls me 5-8 times a day while shes at work wanting to know what I am doing...The only reason why I go to my T's alone is b/c K is at work and my T doesn't have evening appts...

I bought my dog something one night and didn't buy K anything and she acted like a 2 year old and shes 65! going on 66, hmmm I mean 2!...Sorry didn't mean to get started on all this..RIMH


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## texasgirl (Jan 20, 2007)

RIMH:

It is so weird to hear someone spell out a story that is almost verbatim what I went through.  I really do empathize with you.  And I would tend to agree that you need to set a plan that works for you.  What I would hope for you that didn't really happen for me is that you don't get into confusing when is the best time for you to make the right choice for yourself with her needs.  I am not saying that it is right to be inconsiderate.  Rather, it seems from what you have said that you seem to be in almost a trap (hope I am not reading too much into your words) so that it is hard to see the forest for the trees.  It is never healthy to let another person threatening suicide govern your decisions about what is best for you.  I really hope that with the help of your therapist you can set a plan that will free you to be the best person you can be, which to me in the end is what we all hope for.


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## Halo (Jan 20, 2007)

Hi RIMH,

I haven't been posting a lot lately but I have been reading your posts. I wanted to tell you that I think you have been very brave in coming on here and opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I just wanted to say that it really sounds like you have a good therapist who understands what you are going through with K and it is great that he/she is helping you become stronger and more independent in order to leave K. 

Take care, RIMH
:hug:


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## Cavi (Jan 22, 2007)

Oh yeah its a huge trap...It's getting to the point I can't walk this walk anymore...Suicidal plans are a vague thought...Their there but not in full force yet...

Ya know what the really sad part is...K cannot comprehend what she is doing to me...For her to admit that she did something wrong, would totally destroy her...
I'm not exaggerating either...She has pulled some bad stunts this past weekend that involved me and her lack of empathy...She just doesn't understand and for me to try to explain it to her, she wouldn't be able to grasp what I was saying...

When she gets stopped for speeding, she turns into a grovelling child!...I almost get the feeling she would kiss the cops feet if he didn't give her a ticket...Its very heart wrenching to watch this woman...She doesnt do it to be manipulative, she honest to God has no clue that to make a mistake is human...

I would rather sacrifice my life., to keep from hurting her like that...It's who I am, its what I do...I sacrifice me and try to make everyting better for other people...i guess you could say I am being selfish, to destroy K would make me feel bad so it a sense its about me...

Yes me dying will hurt her but at least her self image wont be destroyed by my hand................RIMH


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 22, 2007)

I hope you understand how distorted your thinking really is there, RIMH. I don't say that to be critical or insulting - but my guess is that it's a huge part of what needs to be addressed with your therapist.


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## Cavi (Jan 22, 2007)

Yeah your right but ya have to remember I've had 8 years of therapy with a therapist that taught me all this distorted thinking...In her eyes I was borderline and I painted K black...................................................................RIMH


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 22, 2007)

I understand. That's why I was careful to note that I was not critical - or blaming you.


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## ThatLady (Jan 22, 2007)

I really have trouble accepting that a grown woman would bawl when confronted by a policeman with a speeding ticket unless she was, in fact, trying to manipulate. After all, if we're speeding we know we're speeding. It's not done by accident - at least, not long enough for a policeman to cite us for it.

I also wonder just how much K actually does understand about the unacceptability of her behaviors. I have a feeling she understands a lot more than you think she does, RIMH. In fact, I really tend to believe she's manipulating you, as well. She knows your weaknesses, and she knows what's been done to you. She may even have had a hand in it, from the sounds of what you told us.

You've been taught, as you say, to believe you're the one in the wrong. From my viewpoint (admittedly, that of an outsider just barely getting a peek inside), you're BEING wronged ... bigtime!


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## Cavi (Jan 22, 2007)

Your probably right, That Lady...my ex T and K became good friends...K bought her all kinds of gifts and when we walked to the door after session, K would put her arm around my ex T and my ex T would lay her head on K's shoulder...They emailed each other every night and talked on the phone...

My current T is livid over what has happened b/c alot of what happened, I have proof and showed it to my new T...

I did something today, I called my new T and requested an appt. for tomorrow, my normal day is Thursday...I was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof to ask b/c of being blasted in the past by my ex T...

But my new T knows I'm not one to cry wolf, and that I honestly want to get better...RIMH


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## Halo (Jan 22, 2007)

RIMH

I think that you were very courageous and I know it must have taken a lot of strength to make that call and ask for an earlier appointment.  I am very proud of you as you should be of yourself.  Goodjob and well done :goodjob:

Take care
:hug:


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## ThatLady (Jan 22, 2007)

Good for you, RIMH! It sounds to me like your new therapist does understand, and it's my guess she'll be your best resource on how to get free of this strangling relationship. It's my firm belief, from what I've seen you post here, that you can make it just fine on your own. You just need to realize that the things that have been said about you are false and that you have the capability to do whatever you wish with your life, and do it without K. You're a strong woman. You're just beginning to find that strength. :hug:


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## Cavi (Jan 22, 2007)

Thanks Ladies....Yeah my new T is really good and has strong boundaries and ethics which I really like...She's trying to help me undue 8 years of psychological damage by an unethical therapist...

When I am rational, I know my thinking is distorted and it needs to be changed but when I get pushed to the edge, being rational goes right out the window...

RIMH


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