# Would You Tell Anyone? Would You Leave A Note?



## GDPR (Jul 20, 2012)

Most times when I have suicidal thoughts, I talk about them. I tell my husband, my therapist or a friend. I talk about why I'm feeling that way and eventually the thoughts and feelings pass. When I'm feeling that way,I guess I don't really want to die, I just don't want to feel/think the way I am any longer. 

But...there are also times that I don't tell anyone at all, I keep what I'm thinking and feeling to myself. Cause the truth is, if I'm _really_ going to do it, I don't want anyone talking me out of it or getting in my way. The last thing I would do is tell anyone, cause that would mean that what I actually want is help,not death.

I also wouldn't leave a note either. What would be the point in that? Why would I need to explain the reasoning behind what I did? If people don't 'get it' while I'm alive, why would I expect them to get it once I'm gone?

I'm sorry,I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this or what my point is. I have been sitting here thinking about a failed attempt in the past. I was so disappointed that my mom walked in and found me and took me to the hospital. I still resent her for that. But it was my own fault for not planning well enough. I forgot to lock the bedroom door.


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## Retired (Jul 20, 2012)

Lost In Thought,

Have you talked about some of these issues with your therapist, and what did the therapist recommend?

Suicide is never the answer to problems, because there are so many solutions available to us, that all you need to do is reach out for help, to someone close to you, a family member, a friend, your spiritual advisor, your doctor, or a local Crisis Line where a volunteer can point you to some local resources.

Is there a Crisis line in your local area?  We can locate one if you tell us in what geographical area you are located.

Are you currently on any medications? Do you drink alcohol or use other drugs?

From the way you've described your current situation, It almost sounds like you have a plan.  Is that right?

How is the support you are receiving from your husband and your family?

Most important, Lost In Thought....  Why does your life seem so hopeless to you that suicide appears to be a way out?


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## GDPR (Jul 20, 2012)

I'm not currently suicidal, I'm sorry if it sounded that way. I guess I was just stating a fact; if I was really going to do it I wouldn't tell anyone or leave a note. 

You sure ask alot of questions, and the last one almost seems like a trick question. One that I will have to think about before answering.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 20, 2012)

No iwould not tell anyone   i have like you told of my plans to someday leave   a note maybe yes  to explain to all it had nothing to do with anyone but me and my sadness so never blame themselves   but to understand that the sadness won in the end that all.    Yes there are many solutions  and one should never chose suicide but sometimes it chooses   that is when  i pray the supports in place will take over and keep us safe


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## Banned (Jul 20, 2012)

Note or no note, nothing will console those left behind, and their grief and guilt will be beyond measure.  They will also be at a higher risk of suicide themselves, as "survivors of suicide".  Sure, you think your problems are over, but theirs are just beginning.  Not much of a legacy to leave.


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## sweetsoleil (Jul 20, 2012)

turtle...thats just what keeps me going! well said


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## Cat Dancer (Jul 20, 2012)

Thanks for saying that, Turtle. Those are words to remember.


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## Retired (Jul 20, 2012)

There are no trick questions, just wanting to have a clear understanding of your situation.  

When discussing suicide, it's best we both know what we are talking about, on other words, on the same page.

Suicide is a serious matter, and sometimes it may be difficult for the person in crisis to find the words necessary to let others know the pain they are experiencing.

By asking the questions I did, I wanted to try to obtain a better picture of what your  current feelings about suicide  might be.

I am not a mental health professional, but I have received training in suicide intervention and would be available to provide temporary support until you could arrange to be seen by a competent medical professional who could work with you.

No tricks, no hidden agenda, just help and information and support.


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## GDPR (Jul 20, 2012)

Sorry Steve, for thinking it was a trick question.

I will now answer your questions....

Yes, I have talked to my therapist about this. We talk about it often because the thoughts are there a majority of the time.He doesn't worry about me acting on them though since I am talking about them.He has recommended that I do whatever it takes to distract myself from them.

Yes, there's a crisis line in my area. I really don't feel I need to make a call though. I'm just talking not acting, so I feel there's a big difference in the two.

No,I'm not currently on any medications. I do have effexor and xanax and a few other things, but I don't take them. And I'm not using alcohol or drugs at the moment.

Yes, I do have a plan. I've had it since the last failed attempt. I know exactly how/where, should I ever make that final decision. It just makes me feel better to have it planned. But that doesn't mean I will follow through.

My husband is very supportive. My friends are very supportive too. I have no contact with my family of origin anymore.

And it's not that my life seems so hopeless, it's more that I feel the need to have an escape route, 'just in case'. And I'm not even sure what it would actually take for me to act on it. It just feels like a safety net. Kind of like buying that 1 year warranty on electronics, just in case something goes wrong. I have been doing this since I was very young, planning my escape, it just feels like something I need to do.

---------- Post Merged at 03:33 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:24 PM ----------

Life just feels so complicated sometimes and I get tried of the daily struggles.


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## Retired (Jul 20, 2012)

There are two points you've made that stand out for me:

1) 





> I do have effexor and xanax and a few other things, but I don't take them.



....suggests to me your doctor has prescribed an antidepressant / anxiety medication plus another medication to use either for sleep or situational anxiety, panic attacks or other anxiety provoking situation.  But you're not taking them...is this with the knowledge of your doctor, or is your doctor under the mistaken idea you are taking your meds, though you are not.

The question would be, "Why are you not taking your prescribed medications?"

2) 





> It just feels like a safety net. Kind of like buying that 1 year warranty on electronics, just in case something goes wrong.



Life events often do not go as planned, which is why we have to be ready to adapt to the current reality, make the necessary changes and continue working with what we have in the new situation.

When things go wrong, we should be able to reach out and expect support and understanding from our spouse, our family and friends.  If stress and tension becomes too difficult to cope, it should be time to take a time out, decompress and maybe even step away from the stressful situation to take a rest, a vacation or become involved in something less stressful.

There are plenty of alternatives to suicide when things don't go the way we would like them to be.  

Could it be that you already have the tools to control your anxiety and depressed mood available to you, but for reasons I hope you will take the time to share with us, you are saying you have chosen not to use them?


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## GDPR (Jul 20, 2012)

I guess it's ok to just be completely honest here about everything.....

My doctor doesn't know that I'm not taking what was prescribed because I haven't been back to see her since she prescribed them. I'm too embarrassed to go back. My PTSD symptoms were in high gear when I was in there. I had to tell her that I have PTSD, I hadn't disclosed that info to her.But there was no getting around it that day, I had to explain why I was behaving the way I was.And I practically begged for the xanax, and I'm sure it made me look like a junkie. But it wasn't the drugs I was after, I just wanted to feel better. I was so embarrassed of the way I acted, so out of control and panicking, and on the verge of a breakdown or something, that I don't want to see her again.Ever. 

I don't like for anyone to know that I need help or that I'm not in control of myself. It makes me feel too vulnerable. It also makes me feel ashamed. I have been trying to get a handle on all of this since I was a teenager. I have spent so much time and money trying to help _myself_ and 'cure' myself. There have been many times that I have started therapy and quit soon after I started. It feels shameful that I have to have someone _help_ me do something that I _should_ be able to do on my own. All these years, I have tried and tried, and nothing has really changed. I just keep going in the same circles over and over. I feel defeated, but I'm too proud to admit that to anybody in real life.

I just want to feel better, but I don't know how to allow myself to accept help and support and guidance. I don't feel like I really deserve it. I feel like I should manage on my own. That something is very wrong with me because I don't know how to. That I deserve this suffering because I can't change it myself. Because I can't just pull myself back up and go on with life like normal people do. My therapist likes to remind me that I didn't do this to myself, these things were done TO me, but still, I'M the one that has PTSD(and a dissociative disorder), not the people that did these things, so it really doesn't matter they I didn't do it to myself. I'M the one that suffers. 

And I have done so much research on PTSD, and I know there's no cure, and I will have this the rest of my life, that the best I can do is learn to manage the symptoms. Logically I understand that, but I also can't help but think that I'm just weak, that I should have all this under control by now.I should have myself under control, my life in order,etc. and be 'over' PTSD. And I get so frustrated with myself. My life 'should' be pretty good right now. There's been changes in my life lately, for the good, and I'm not living with so much stress now, yet I really don't know how to just let myself 'be'. I'm always waiting for the next round of chaos and drama, and preparing for it. I don't know how _not_ to. I'm always playing out a worse case scenario in my head of what COULD happen. I don't want to be caught off guard. Whether it's about work,family,life in general, I have a worse case scenario for everything,almost to the point of obsession.

I don't even think that has anything to do with what I'm talking about here. Or maybe it does, I really don't know. 

And I can give many excuses as to why I'm not taking my medications, some are actually legit too, but the truth is, I don't know. I'm afraid to take them.


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## Retired (Jul 20, 2012)

The significant piece of information you shared is:



> why I'm not taking my medications, *some are actually legit* too, but the truth is, I don't know. *I'm afraid to take them*.



Would you elaborate please, so we can have a clearer understanding of your concerns?

Does it have to do with previous bad experience with some medications, fears about things you have heard or read, concerns about how certain medications might affect you?


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## GDPR (Jul 20, 2012)

1.)I'm afraid to take something that _someone else_ gives me in pill form. If I could manufacture them myself, I don't think I would have as much of a problem. I don't trust that's what inside is actually what it claims to be. I could go to a compounding pharmacy and have them flavored,powdered, in gel form,liquid,or whatever, but that wouldn't eliminate my fear.

2.) I had a very bad experience when I tried Lexapro. I'm so afraid of going through something like that again.It was a horrible experience, I hallucinated, had to fight the urge to slash my wrists,etc. It lasted for a week after I stopped taking it.

3.)I don't want to take anything that is addictive. I didn't like how the xanax made me feel. It's not something I want to take, the feeling was too familiar. 

4.) It means I really am a failure at fixing _myself_


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## Retired (Jul 20, 2012)

Lost In Thought said:
			
		

> 1.)I'm afraid to take something that someone else gives me in pill form. If I could manufacture them myself, I don't think I would have as much of a problem. I don't trust that's what inside is actually what it claims to be. I could go to a compounding pharmacy and have them flavored,powdered, in gel form,liquid,or whatever, but that wouldn't eliminate my fear.



In this day and age this is impossible and if it were, it would be unsafe and unreliable.  Medications are patented so they cannot be reproduced.  The manufacturers have international reputations to maintain not only with governments but with prescribing physicians for reliability, safety and honesty.

Medications have been investigated and researched for years before coming to market, and are designed in a rational way so the mechanism of action is clearly understood in its design, in its manufacture, proven for safety and effectiveness through peer reviewed and published research.  Prescriptions are also made in a rational way, and safety is maintained through handling by a licensed and trained pharmacist.



			
				Lost In Thought said:
			
		

> 2.) I had a very bad experience when I tried Lexapro. I'm so afraid of going through something like that again.It was a horrible experience, I hallucinated, had to fight the urge to slash my wrists,etc. It lasted for a week after I stopped taking it.



Sorry to hear about your bad experience with a medication.  Most medications are well tolerated and are safe; however, in medicine no treatment is without risks. The key is to manage the risk, so the benefits outweigh any potential risk.  

All medications, in their documentation, which the doctor possesses list adverse reactions reported with each medication.  Some adverse reactions occur more frequently than others, while most do not affect most people or mild side effects at the beginning of therapy tend to go away after a few weeks as the body becomes acclimated to the new chemical balance.

It's is extremely important to maintain a constant line of communication with the prescribing doctor when a medication is prescribed, to report any unusual or intolerable adverse effect.  The doctor cannot help you manage side effects if s/he is not made aware of the problem. 



			
				Lost In Thought said:
			
		

> 3.)I don't want to take anything that is addictive. I didn't like how the xanax made me feel. It's not something I want to take, the feeling was too familiar.



No one does, and the vast majority of medications do not have addiction potential.  Older medications, hardly ever used today, had this problem, but doctors have been aware of these issues and use more recently developed medications that are much safer.  Addicition from medications used today, such as those we read about in the tabloids are usually the result of abuse, using the medication longer than prescribed, at greater than the prescribed or recommended dose.

Competent ethical physicians prescribe the lowest possible dose of any medication for the shortest possible duration to achieve the desired therapeutic effect.

Trouble occurs when this principle is ignored.



			
				Lost In Thought said:
			
		

> 4.) It means I really am a failure at fixing myself



And that, I believe is the most common form of rationalization to resist medication among many people.  Why? Because we don't like to admit to a perceived loss of control!

Here's the deal....there are some things we humans can usually deal with on our own, such as the common cold, mild headaches, menstrual discomfort, an occasional pimple.....but what if suddenly you fall to the floor with excruciating pain in your left side, cannot feel your left arm, feels k=like an elephant is sitting on your chest and you can't breathe.

How about going into a coma at a restaurant, and the paramedics revive you with some sugar, and the doctor tells you you are diabetic.

It's unlikely you would stay home for a few weeks to see if your heart attack might go away, or ignore refuse insulin to manage your diabetes, because these are seen as physical illnesses.

The myth, stigma and misconception about mental or psychiatric disorders is that they are somehow behavioural and we all know that people can change their behaviour...if they try hard enough..otherwise they are considered failures in the eyes of the uninformed.

The fact, Lost In Thought, is that *psychiatric and mental disorders are indeed physical illnesses* that can usually be monitored in abnormal brain activity using real time Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI).  Other research has demonstrated certain illnesses such as depression and anxiety are thought to be the result of imbalances in specific brain chemistry (neurotransmitters), and when properly diagnosed and treated by a specialist, once the correct brain chemical balance is restored using appropriate and rationally chosen medications, symptoms are controlled and the illness usually goes into remission.

Sometimes modifications in dose and even changes in the compound are required for a given individual, because there is no "One Size Fits All" in treating mental illness.  But I can assure you that when the correct match is found and the brain chemical balance is restores, you can take back control of your life because your symptoms should be controlled enough that you should have many more good days that those bad days you probably have so much difficulty to endure now.

I would urge you to revisit your doctor, and not be concerned about being embarrassed,because your doctor should not be judging you, but rather your doctor should be evaluating your symptoms, and as a trained professional, your doctor should propose a treatment plan intended to relive your symptoms.

Finally, getting back to suicide and this comment, Lost In Thought, 



			
				Lost In Thought said:
			
		

> *My husband is very supportive. My friends are very supportive too. *



These are the people who love you and your suicide would devastate them in ways that are indescribable, because the suicide of a dear one is about the worst pain that can be inflicted on someone.  Furthermore, the effects of a suicide are far reaching, to the extent that their risk of suicide is increased from the effects of the emotional devastation they experience.

Lost In Thought, there is no reason for you to live in pain, because help is available from your doctor.  All you have to do is call the doctor, make an appointment and ask for help.


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## sweetsoleil (Jul 20, 2012)

I really relate to your reasoning about medications lost_in_thought..i have all the same thoughts about it!  I have finally surrendered after exhausting myself for years trying to "fix" myself.  

The social worker i talked to last week said something to me that i have thought about a number of times and it seems to be helping me, he said "you are not weak for seeking help....the weak ones are those who dont".   It didnt really even sink in until after i got home.  ANyway..i just wanted you to know i understand all your thoughts about it, but i think there comes a time we have to just trust..even though i KNOW it feels almost impossible...we deserve a shot at happiness!

Im glad you shared   you are not alone!

---------- Post Merged at 09:49 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:48 PM ----------

And thank you Steve, your response helped me as well


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## GDPR (Jul 21, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to respond everyone,especially Steve. I appreciate it.

I am feeling much better today and I feel a little embarrassed for starting this thread. The feeling/thoughts always pass, even though they don't feel like they ever will when they're happening.I have a hard time on Friday's....every Friday, and I wish I could find a way to change it.


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## Retired (Jul 21, 2012)

There is no need to feel embarrassed for addressing an issue or concern that is important to you.  As Sweetsoleil alludes to, you have demonstrated courage to address these issues, which could be an important first step toward your regaining control over your life.

Might this be your first step toward seeking help from your doctor?


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## GDPR (Jul 23, 2012)

Steve said:


> Might this be your first step toward seeking help from your doctor?



Actually,since I feel fine now, I don't see the point in going to the Dr for more medication.


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## rdw (Jul 23, 2012)

Are you being honest with yourself regarding the doctor and the medication?


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## GDPR (Jul 23, 2012)

Good question RDW......


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