# Confused About My Sister



## GDPR (Sep 20, 2014)

I'm not sure if any of you remember the things I have talked about before or not,but my sister and I made a pact a long time ago that we would never,ever speak of the sexual abuse that happened in childhood,and specifically not her role in the abuse I went through.I broke that pact and started talking about it last year and she basically dumped me,she told me she's not going to let me ruin her life by talking about the past.And then she stopped all contact with me.

The confusion I am having is because although she stopped all contact with me and doesn't have anything to do with me anymore,she turned to me recently during a major crisis. She needed someone to talk to,a shoulder to cry on and to be told everything would be okay. I was 100% there for her through it and once the crisis was over with, she went back to not having anything to do with me and hasn't had any contact with me since then.

I was happy to help her,and of course I would comfort and console her,regardless of the fact she doesn't want me in her life anymore.I could never turn my back on her in a time of need. I feel like it's wrong to say this,but I feel hurt and used. I especially feel guilty for saying the word 'used',but that's how I feel.She doesn't want me in her life,yet I was the one expected to be there for her. She knew I would though,that's why she contacted me in the first place,she knew I would jump to be there for her.

Now I am wondering if this is how it's going to be from now on. She doesn't want me in her life,yet will run to me in a crisis,be comforted and then ignore me until the next crisis comes along? I do believe it will happen again.And I'm really confused about it. I'm not sure if I should just accept it for what it is and always be there for her,despite how it makes me feel or if I shouldn't since she doesn't want me in her life any other time. I feel like it's wrong to even be questioning what I should do,she's my sister,and isn't it my 'duty' to be there for her,no matter what? Is wondering whether you should be there or not for someone in a crisis a horrible thing?

Is it wrong that I keep thinking 'what about me?". I wish I could turn to her in a crisis,I wish I knew she would be there for me,regardless.There have been many times I needed a shoulder to cry on but I haven't tried to contact her because I know she would ignore me.

I'm hoping maybe someone can help me see this in another way.I can't seem to be able to think past the guilt and obligation I feel.


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## MHealthJo (Sep 20, 2014)

I'm sorry LIT. I would feel hurt and used too. 

I'm not telling you what you should do, but do ask yourself,

How does it make sense that your role in a relationship is: 

Be there when she needs you, give to her, and be ignored and discarded at any other time;

and her role in a relationship is:

 find you when she needs you, get something off of you, and ignore you and discard you at any other time. 

How does that make sense? Is she a human and are you a vending machine?

I know she is your sister. But if anyone else came to you and suggested a 'relationship' with these terms, would you accept?

Do you think if you do this more times, it will promote good treatment from her? Or bad treatment?

Sorry that this is the way she is.

Who knows, maybe if she doesn't get what she wants next time, she might consider one day adjusting some of these 'terms'.

 I don't know though.

 I don't see what positive role it can have in your life though, the current terms. 

The short answer though is that it would be nonsensical for you to think that your hurt and used feelings are wrong.
xx


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## GDPR (Sep 20, 2014)

Thanks MHJ. It doesn't make sense at all to me.But I wanted to talk about it,just to be sure it wasn't just me that thought that.

The thing is,I can't imagine myself ever not being there when she needs me like that.If she is having a crisis,I don't think I could turn my back on her.I could possibly not take any calls or read any texts,block her,and do it that way.But,if I hear from her and I _know _she needs me,I don't think I have it in me to turn her away.I don't think I could be that cruel.



> I know she is your sister. But if anyone else came to you and suggested a 'relationship' with these terms, would you accept?



No,I would definitely not.

When I was there for her,she kept thanking me for it and telling me she loved me.It's hard to say no when someone is saying those things.But then afterwards,to be dumped all over again,just seemed so bizarre to me.And hurtful. It's just weird to not want someone in your life yet turn to them for comfort and support.

How on earth do you not be there for someone in a crisis though if they ask you to? How do you say no without seeming cruel?


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## MHealthJo (Sep 20, 2014)

It is a very hard one. Absolutely.  I mean, I know when someone is just a user and abuser full stop, and any giving to them is just like putting up a sign saying, "Use, Abuse, Manipulate, Trick/Deceive, and Hurt Me. Because I Will Let You." ...  I mean, it is very clear cut in those cases. You absolutely must protect yourself and look after yourself. Harm to you is not allowable, and you must definitely do what you can to keep very firm boundaries with somebody, if  any contact or relation with them invites or allows harm.

I don't know. I guess maybe you have to work out how abusive and hurtful and harmful it feels to you - the dumping and ignoring afterward part.

(Side note.... I guess it's possible too that she has no clue whatsoever how to have a noncontrolling, non-using, non-abusing relationship. She has no idea how to do the other parts...? Like maybe instead of her being like "HAHA! You helped me but then I tricked you and hurt you by rejecting you again!! Yay!" she is more like, "I know how to get things I want. That is all I know in life. I know nothing about anything else or any other role I can have. So it's just: Get a thing I want, then
-> Nothing." I dont know. Please be careful LIT.)

I mean having the situation now where nothing else abusive, controlling, or manipulative happens from her, nothing - hey, that's still better than when before, you would have that stuff happen to you. If she absolutely knows that that stuff is totally out of the question, and she's not going to try to use this event to begin manipulating, controlling, and abusing you again.... well then hey... You're still ahead....

I guess you will have to see, maybe.... see if having this happen sometimes is like putting that ol' sign back up. 

I would definitely chat to your therapist about it too. Get his thoughts.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 20, 2014)

Wow...  I really feel badly that your sister uses you like that.  

I know it is confusing, because I have been confused for similar reasons.

MHealthJo hit the nail on the head: if it was any other person (ie: not related to you) would you put up with that?   I agree that I would not want to be there for someone who is never there for me.  

Makes me mad that she did this to you, because I have been treated as such as well.  Took me a darned long time to figure out I didn't have to be used like that.  I had a similar misconception: family can do that to you.  No, family should NOT do that.  No one should treat anyone that way.

Stay strong, LIT!  ♥


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## GDPR (Sep 20, 2014)

It really hurts me.I am sure she has probably heard through the grapevine some of the major things I have been going through and it would be nice to have her be there for me too.

If this should happen again,which I am assuming it most likely will,what would I say?I can't tell her I am not going to be there for her if she's not going to be there for me.How could I handle it in a way that's not going to hurt her?


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 20, 2014)

Well, I hate to say it, but I am at a point in my life where I would say exactly that to someone who was doing that exact thing.  If you try to use tact or hints, some people completely miss what you are trying to say.

I don't like to mince words with people who think they can use me.  I'm tired of it, so I figure if they don't give a darn about my feelings and only their own feelings and crises are important and mine are not, then the next time they come running to me for help, I might say, "Sorry you are having a bad time.  I have been here for you lots of times, and you seem to like that.  However when I am going through a difficult time, you wouldn't give me the time of day.  What would you call someone who does that to a person?  What would you call someone who demands all my time and undivided attention when they are in trouble, but suddenly drop off the face of the earth when I need some support?"

Or if she phoned or emailed or tried to visit, I wouldn't answer the phone/reply/answer the door.

If your sister is upset because you are telling her the truth, that is really her problem, not yours.  If someone is upset with you because they treated you like dirt/used you and you didn't like it and you stood up for yourself or didn't tolerate it, seriously hun, that is not your problem.

Perhaps this is another opportunity to make things clear that you aren't going to tolerate this type of behaviour just because she is related to you.  Remember you mentioned, I believe it was your son(s) who did not like the "new you."  Because you are changing for the better and not letting people treat you like a carpet to wipe their feet on, or a sponge to cry into, but not value you or care about your feelings, you are becoming a more whole and safe person.  Some people are gonna be a little surprised that you aren't going to let them play/use/abuse you anymore.  Tough for them.

The nicest thing I can think of that I might say:  
"I am sorry you are having a crisis.  Perhaps you can call (give crisis or other contact number) or go online to search for ideas."
"I remember when you came to me when you were in trouble, but otherwise didn't want to have anything to do with me.  That really hurt me.  I am not going to let you keep hurting me."
"You are an adult, and I am sure you can find a solution.  I don't want to interfere in your life, because if I gave you bad advice, I would feel terrible.  I am going through my own problems and need help myself, so I don't feel I can help you."


I apologize if this comes across as harsh, but I feel it's necessary to maintain your healthy boundaries and sanity.


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## GDPR (Sep 21, 2014)

I need to make sure I don't allow myself to fall back into old patterns with her.I don't want to go back to feeling obligated to her,like I did when I was a child,obligated because she was my caretaker.I had to overlook her treatment of me in order to get basic things ,even food. I didn't have a choice then,but I do now,and I just need to remember that.

---------- Post Merged at 11:39 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:35 AM ----------

And I like this part of your sentence best JGJB,and it's what I think I will say to her next time. I think that's all I need to say,plus it's the truth.



> I am going through my own problems and need help myself, so I don't feel I can help you.


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## rdw (Sep 21, 2014)

I agree - its all about setting healthy boundaries.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 21, 2014)

Glad I could help LIT...

If she doesn't take the last thing you mentioned, keep repeating the same thing using different words. 

If she continues to pester you or try to shame you into the behaviour she wants, remember, that is manipulation: trying to make you feel bad for not helping her, when you still are trying to get your own crises (which are important to you, possibly not important to her) taken care of.  

I would recommend if the last statement doesn't work, get blunt with her:  
"I can't continue to talk in circles like this, I need my time to heal, too.  I have to go/leave now."

"I've already explained why I can't help you, several times.  I need you to respect my wishes.  I have to hang up now."

"I love you, sister, but I have my own issues that I need to take care of.  You may not be happy about that, but I do not feel I am able to be the kind of help that you need.  You need to find out solutions from someone or somewhere else on your own."

"Please do not try to shame me or use guilt to try to manipulate me into helping you.  I am already overwhelmed with things going on with me/in my life."

"Please respect my space.  I cannot help you."

I have a feeling she might try to mess with you and say she protected you when you were kids, and now you have to protect her...  That's not love.  That's "If you do this because I did that, it's a fair trade, and has nothing to do with unconditional love. And if you don't then I will (threaten, abandon, shame) be angry with you, because I only understand my feelings and don't respect or understand yours.  I won't reciprocate or be there for you, but you have to be there for me."

 If she tries this tactic, you could say: 
"I have to remind you that you did not always protect me, but sometimes threw me into harm's way to protect _yourself_.  Although, on some level I understand why you did that when you were a child, because who would want to be tortured like that?  It was probably an act of desperation.  But now that I am an adult, I am still having issues wondering why you would use me to protect yourself _then_, and why you are _still _using me to protect yourself _again_ as an adult.  I have a difficult time believing that I would have done the same things you did to me if our situations were reversed.  I think I would protect you instead of allowing you to be abused.  If anything, when we were growing up, I was used, when convenient for you, by you, to protect _YOU_.  I was the one left by myself so _you_ could escape.  I no longer want to serve you as some kind of escape valve: I am a human being with feelings and I have my own issues."

Of course, you can use your own words, you don't have to use mine.  Hopefully she won't try to do this.  However

---------- Post Merged at 11:51 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:50 AM ----------

It's important to bounce this off of your therapist.  I am sure he could give you the tools you need to protect yourself.


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## MHealthJo (Sep 21, 2014)

Another thing I thought of, too. I guess if you let there be a situation where someone is allowed to use then ignore and discard you, I guess you're still  letting them treat you as below them and not of worth. Even if it led to nothing else bad from that particular person, it could have you letting your boundaries feel lower in other vulnerable situations. And what you need is your feelings of worth and your boundaries to stay strong, strong, strong.


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## GDPR (Sep 21, 2014)

jollygreenjellybean said:


> "I have to remind you that you did not always protect me, but sometimes threw me into harm's way to protect _yourself_.  Although, on some level I understand why you did that when you were a child, because who would want to be tortured like that?  It was probably an act of desperation.  But now that I am an adult, I am still having issues wondering why you would use me to protect yourself _then_, and why you are _still _using me to protect yourself _again_ as an adult.  I have a difficult time believing that I would have done the same things you did to me if our situations were reversed.  I think I would protect you instead of allowing you to be abused.  If anything, when we were growing up, I was used, when convenient for you, by you, to protect _YOU_.  I was the one left by myself so _you_ could escape.  I no longer want to serve you as some kind of escape valve: I am a human being with feelings and I have my own issues."



I cannot stop crying now,since reading that. I was imagining myself saying it to her as I was reading it.That's exactly how I feel and exactly what I would like to say to her.

Maybe I do need to say it....


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 21, 2014)

*hugs* LIT!!!  ♥

I hope you are okay, I sure didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Well, you don't have to say anything you are not ready for.  And if you want to run it past your therapist first, that would probably be wisest.  

Remember, I am at a different part of my journey of healing.  These are things _I_ might say, but it doesn't mean _you_ have to say them.

Any doubts or wavering: check in with your therapist, hun.  

I am making some assumptions from what you have posted previously in other threads, and I am going by my gut here.  Which is why I strongly recommend talking to your therapist before you do anything. 

At least, if you do feel you want to say that to her, you can print it off or save it for a time when you feel strong enough to say it.  Make sure you have back-up, so to speak.    That is, a good support system, your hubby, therapist, etc.  ♥


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## GDPR (Sep 22, 2014)

Don't worry,I'm fine. 

When I read what you said,it just really struck a chord and I don't know,I guess it made me feel sad for myself and what I went through as a kid. Not sorry for myself,but sad. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like it was me that went through it, sometimes it feels like it was some other kid that did,and when I read that,I felt like I did back then when it was happening, and all that sadness whooshed through my body. And right now it does feel like it was me and not some other kid.

---------- Post Merged on September 22nd, 2014 at 08:00 AM ---------- Previous Post was on September 21st, 2014 at 08:28 PM ----------

I guess I could have just said when I read what you said it made me feel a connection to what I went through,which I have been having problems doing.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 22, 2014)

Wow.  Definitely run this past your therapist...   When stuff comes up like that it can be overwhelming to try to deal with it on your own...  

You seem to be handling it very well, from what I see you have posted...  But hang on to your husband and anyone else who can give you comfort...   ♥


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## GDPR (Sep 22, 2014)

I really am okay JGJB,so no need to be concerned about it or anything.

Even though I still feel sad about it,I actually feel grateful to be able to connect to it and feel the feelings.

Thank you,by the way...


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 23, 2014)

Aw, you're welcome!  ♥  And thank you for the sweet PM.  ^_^


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 9, 2014)

Hey LIT, how are you doing?  ♥


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## GDPR (Oct 19, 2014)

My sister called me again.Out of habit I automatically took the call.She has some stuff going on and once again she wanted to use me as a sounding board.But after I listened to what it was and gave my 'words of wisdom'(ha) I made it clear that I am going through a lot myself and I simply don't have the time or head space to deal with anything or anyone else.I feel pretty good about the way I handled it and I am not feeling at all like I did last time it happened.


I am glad I talked about it here.Thanks for the help guys.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 19, 2014)

YAY!  That's great to hear!  

♥


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## GDPR (Oct 29, 2014)

I could really use some comfort and support from my sister this week.She knows about my husbands illness and upcoming surgery and I am curious whether I will even hear from her.

If I don't I honestly don't think I can be there for her at all anymore.It will really hurt and make me feel like I don't even matter.And I won't allow her to use me in her times of need anymore and I will most likely tell her exactly what I think and feel the next time she tries to.

Maybe she will surprise me and actually be there for me but I think I need to accept that she's not going to.Just thinking that she's not hurts and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by hoping she will.

This really makes me realize just how messed up my relationship with her is.I also realize how messed up she is and how ridiculous it is for her to use me for comfort and support when she doesn't want me in her life any other time.WTH is all I can think about this right now.This is so messed up.


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## Retired (Oct 29, 2014)

> She knows about my husbands illness and upcoming surgery and I am curious whether I will even hear from her.....*I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by hoping she will.*



Exactly, you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment.

Let your sister's actions indicate how you will interact with her in the future.


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## MHealthJo (Oct 31, 2014)

You've got some good clarity here LIT. Good work.

Being treated in a 'doormat' sort of way by somebody, really can make a person feel, well... flattened and dirty, and dehumanised.

It's lucky that we can choose not to  be treated like one, and that we can give people a chance to know that we're actually people too (gasp!) and that we're quite open to relating person-to-person, if the person ever learns what that means and becomes capable / committed to that kind of relating.


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## GDPR (Oct 31, 2014)

I haven't heard from her and to be honest it really hurts.

I am not devastated or anything though, just hurt that she is the way she is.


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## MHealthJo (Nov 2, 2014)

Very understandable. :/


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 2, 2014)

At least this time you were prepared to be let down and therefore better able to cope when the inevitable happened. 

It is sad. But that is who she is and wishing won't make her different. Some people are givers and some are just takers. In healthy relationships, there is an exchange of both. In unhealthy relationships, it is just one way. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## rdw (Nov 2, 2014)

David Baxter said:


> In unhealthy relationships, it is just one way.


This statement really resonates with me - thank you!


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## PrincessX (Nov 2, 2014)

Right, resonates to me as well.
Think about this: If life is a garden, some people plant flowers in the hearts of others, other people burn the flowers and throw the ash in the eyes of those coming after them. When the wind changes, the planters see the beauty around them. They stop feeling the pain in their eyes.  The ash throwers see nothing, they have stopped seeing and feeling a long time ago. To them this world was always a dark place.
What they couldn't see is that the garden will keep blooming without them.


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## GDPR (Nov 3, 2014)

David Baxter said:


> At least this time you were prepared to be let down and therefore better able to cope when the inevitable happened



Being prepared made a huge difference.Deep down I knew this is how it would turn out,because this is exactly how it has been my entire life.You're right,this is who she is and wishing won't make her different.I have spent my whole life wishing she could be different just to be let down time and time again.

I still feel hurt,but I also feel like I have been set free.That deeply ingrained obligatory feeling simply isn't there anymore,I think because for the first time I am able to see her for exactly who and how she is.Maybe that's why I feel so hurt,because the truth hurts.


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## PrincessX (Nov 3, 2014)

I think to mentally set yourself free from feelings and obligations towards her is incredibly important, and I am sure makes you feel a lot better. To me the pain of staying in any abusive relationship is much worse than any feelings of sadness or regret about the truth.


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## MHealthJo (Nov 3, 2014)

I think this is why a lot of people do stay stuck in patterns that don't work well for a long, long, long, long time, or forever - I guess partly maybe because on some unconscious or subconscious level, the hurt of facing certain truths seems so painful and unacceptable. It's a very hard thing. 

But, being in that place of being so stuck, and the confusion and fear and drama and so many other things that go along with the alternative.... It does really cost so much more. Dealing with the truth and going from there is much much healthier for us and for anyone connected to the situation too, sends better messages, and is better for avoiding repeating history.

Facing truths and going from there can also facilitate change and better things. Sometimes not, but sometimes it can. Either way it's still a better bet - since not facing the truth will 100% totally guarantee that negative things stay the same, or get worse.

And you are right that while sad, it is freeing. It frees you to put time and energy and thought towards pursuits or people that will give something back to you, and not hurt or use you.


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## GDPR (Nov 3, 2014)

I no longer feel indebted to her for having to play the mother role to me when I was a kid.It wasn't my fault and I don't owe her anything.She may have made 'sacrifices',but I did too.I had to earn her care,I had to sacrifice my own body starting at age 5 just so she wouldn't be abused anymore.I will not spend anymore of my life being manipulated,hurt and abused by her.


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## GDPR (Nov 8, 2014)

I got a text from her.I ignored it and ended up deleting it from my phone just because I didn't want it on there,didn't want to see it.

I am a little surprised at how hard it was to not respond to her.I thought since I had made the conscious decision to not spend any more of my life being manipulated,hurt and abused by her that it would be easy.It's not easy to break old patterns though.There was a twinge of guilt and obligation as soon as I read it,but I sat and really thought about it before automatically replying.

It's so hurtful of her,she wasn't there when I could have used her comfort and support.It felt insulting to hear from her, expecting me to be there for her again.I don't need her though,I think I just thought I did.And I am sure she will manage fine without me.


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## GDPR (Jan 31, 2015)

She called me again.This time she told me she was sorry for the way she got mad at me and stopped talking to me for such a long time.She said she doesn't remember why she was mad,but she's changed,she's not the same person anymore.I didn't say anything,I didn't even acknowledge that she said those things,and I changed the subject.Then after a bit I told her I was busy and ended the conversation.

It bothers me.I sure remember why she got mad.I thought about reminding her it was because I started talking about the past,her role in the abuse,and that she said horrible things to me and told me she didn't want anything to do with me anymore.I wanted to remind her that even though she didn't want me in her life she has been calling me when she's in a crisis since and then goes back to not wanting me in her life until the next crisis.

I didn't remind her though. I'm not sure if she really doesn't remember or if she just said that to avoid talking about it.

I was really hurt when she cut me out of her life.I had a hard time dealing with that.And all these times she has turned to me when in a crisis and then going back to not wanting me in her life in between has been hard too.Dealing with her is hard.She is so confusing.All of this is so confusing.I have been working on how to handle the times she turns to me and uses me and now she wants to be back in my life full time?WTH? 

 I have been thinking about it and wondering if maybe I should have accepted her apology,that's the right thing to do,if someone does something to hurt you and says they're sorry,you're 'supposed' to accept it and move on.But I don't think I can.I don't think I want to either.Not anymore.

What happened to me when I was a kid was a huge deal.I don't think I was wrong in trying to talk to her about it.I just couldn't hold it in any longer.She always talked about the past,always,everything that happened to HER and everything except THAT.I tried telling her I didn't want to talk about the past at all with her,that it was too upsetting,but she kept doing it.Sometimes I would have to remind her 3 or 4 times during one phone conversation,and she would say things like "I know you said you don't want to talk about the past anymore,but...." and would talk about it anyway.When she talked about it,I always started thinking about what happened to me,but I wasn't allowed to talk about it,we had made a pact years ago that we wouldn't. I finally could not keep quiet,and I started talking about it,and that's when she told me she didn't want me in her life anymore,that she wasn't going to let me ruin her life by talking about the past.

I can't be around her or talk to her and pretend the past didn't happen.I'm not going to do that to myself anymore.It DID happen and it's not okay.

---------- Post Merged on January 31st, 2015 at 09:34 AM ---------- Previous Post was on January 30th, 2015 at 11:21 PM ----------

I guess all of this is my own fault,I'm the one that keeps taking calls from her.If I would just stop taking them,completely cut her out of my life,I would be better off.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 31, 2015)

Seems to me you have two options:

1. Cut her out of your life. I'm not at all sure you are ready to do that. I think part of you still hopes she really has changed. Or will change.

2. Accept the relationship for what it is. Protect yourself by not expecting too much and not giving (or letting her take) too much. Understand that she may be in a place where she is simply not ready to accept the past. Or unable to. Or just doesn't want to. Understand and accept that what she is able to or is willing to give you may be limited. Accept what there is in the relationship and don't push for more until she is ready to give more voluntarily, if that ever happens.


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## GDPR (Jan 31, 2015)

Thank you.

My heart felt so heavy as I read that.Deep down,I do hope she has or will change.I do long for a good relationship with her,for her to behave as I would like her to.

I wish she would get professional help,I wish she would stay on her medication,I wish she wasn't the way she is.Its so frustrating to know she probably would be different if she did get help.

Its hard to accept her as she is,to accept this is most likely how she will always be.She's 7 years older than me,I wish she could just be an older sister for me,be there for me,not me having to be there for her.

There have been times in the past years she has called me while she's been in a child state.I resented having to console a grown woman as if she was 5 years old.I don't think I have ever mentioned that here before,not because it embarrasses me,but because she is the older one,it shouldn't be this way.

It is this way though,and maybe I do need to work on acceptance.Accepting her for who and how she is,accepting this relationship for how it is might be better than being so upset all the time from wishing for things to be different.Maybe instead of expecting her to be different or do things differently I should just expect it to always be like this.I can't really be disappointed if its what I expect.

Maybe its not that she just won't be like I wish her to be,that shes not willing to try or doesnt care enough about me to change,maybe its that she's not capable of it.Maybe that's what I need to accept.


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## GDPR (Feb 1, 2015)

She called me again and as I was talking to her I kept in mind what I posted yesterday.

It made a difference in the way it made me feel as she was talking and a difference in how I feel now,afterwards.I don't feel upset or sad or anything.She behaved exactly how I expected she would,she was just as confusing and confused as she always is,but I didn't take it personally this time.


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## MHealthJo (Feb 1, 2015)

Sometimes having firm boundaries and avoiding whatever's not good for you / keeping limits you want to keep / not 'fixing' whatever's not your job to 'fix' and not dealing with what's not good for you to deal with, but interacting a bit within those limits if you feel comfortable doing so, can work OK. Be careful though and talk to your T if you need to.


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## GDPR (Feb 2, 2015)

I was just thinking about this entire thread and realized how codependent I am.

Maybe as I work on my codependency I will become better at dealing with my sister too.Maybe all of my relationships will change in some way.


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## GDPR (Dec 2, 2015)

My sister called me 3 times,desperately wanting my support and advice.Since I had not heard from her in quite awhile,I took her calls.

The first 2 calls were focused on the things she's dealing with,but by the end of the second call I was feeling very used,hurt and all the other feelings I have talked about here.Things changed in the third conversation after something she said to me.She was talking about a couple/few years ago when she told me(don't remember the exact words now) that it didn't matter how much therapy I get,I will never get better,I will never be happy and my life will always suck.She said she only said that to me because she could tell that therapy really was helping and she was jealous.

I appreciated her honesty but it made me see things differently,see her differently.I didn't say anything about it because really,what was there to say?I didn't bother telling her she could be helped by therapy too or anything like that.But I did tell her I can't be there for her,I have my own problems to deal with,I have to focus on myself and I just simply don't have the time or space to help her anymore.

What she said about being jealous really opened my eyes.It made me think about all the hurtful,degrading things she has said to me and about me my entire life,things I always believed, things I always overlooked because I felt I deserved them.

I can't have someone in my life like that anymore.I don't want her in it.That one thing she said really spoke volumes.


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