# Sometimes



## David Baxter PhD (Jan 14, 2018)

*Sometimes*
Mark R., _ThereseBorchard.com_
January 14, 2018

 Sometimes depression is not what most people think it is.

 Sometimes depression doesn?t make you hide under your bedsheets or  eat ice cream from the carton or weep in your therapist?s office, or any  of the other tropes from movies and TV.

 Sometimes depression is not easy to define or even understand; less  like a big, dark ominous cloud and more like a tense conversation that  you overhear but can?t make out the words, only the tone of the voices.  Sometimes depression feels like a clich?, and sometimes it?s as unique  as you are in the universe at this very moment.

 Sometimes depression doesn?t stop you from going through your day and  trying to manage your responsibilities like everyone else. Sometimes  you seem normal on the surface, even when you?re carrying the burden of  depression alone in your soul.

 Sometimes you wish you didn?t feel compelled to hide the despair  within you, to show a brave face to the world and then withdraw to a  bathroom stall at work, quietly sobbing because so much is overwhelming  and there?s no relief in sight. Sometimes there are no tears, only  sluggish emptiness.

 Sometimes depression takes a vacation from tormenting you, maybe an  hour or an afternoon, occasionally for days. Sometimes you feel real joy  in those moments, and you?re able to laugh and love and you wonder if  this is how most people experience life. Sometimes you even forget about  the darkness, until it subtly creeps back upon you. Sometimes it  occupies a small corner of your life, and sometimes there is nothing  else but depression.

 Sometimes depression doesn?t overwhelm you with grief. Sometimes it?s  a little voice that whispers to you, ?you?re not worth it.? Sometimes  that voice doesn?t hurt you at the moment you hear it. Sometimes it?s  the 10th time, or 100th, or 1000th before you start to believe it.

 Sometimes depression doesn?t stop you from being grateful for  everything you have. Sometimes you can love others deeply even when you  can?t love yourself.

 Sometimes depression doesn?t mean you want to harm yourself.  Sometimes thinking about death doesn?t mean you want to die, it means  you think about what the world would be like without you in it, maybe  from a fatal disease or accident. Sometimes you wonder if you?d feel  relief if your doctor gave you an expiration date. Sometimes you skip  over the death entirely to ponder what happens after, whether you?d  leave behind a legacy or the universe would simply carry on, unaware.

 Sometimes you wonder if anyone would miss you if cancer took you, if  your absence would really affect anyone else?s lives, if anyone would  shed a tear besides reflexive weeping at your funeral, and sometimes you  fear how few of them would. Sometimes the thought of an empty funeral  is scary.

 Sometimes depression has companions, other illnesses and disorders  and behaviors that amplify your depression and each other. Sometimes  depression causes physical pain in your nerves, your muscles, your  joints. Sometimes it?s impossible to tell where one condition ends and  the next one begins. Sometimes you wish you knew if one is causing the  others or if they gain strength by feeding off each other in an endless  loop.

 Sometimes depression makes you turn your back on those you love or  run from the people who bring joy to your life, because you feel at your  core you don?t deserve them. Sometimes you think that they agree.

 Sometimes depression is all of these things. Sometimes it?s none of  these things. Sometimes you are acutely aware of all of these feelings.  Sometimes you know nothing more than you simply don?t feel right.

 Sometimes you want people to leave you alone, because you don?t know  what to say to them about how you feel. Sometimes you worry that your  depression is hurting them too.

 Sometimes you crave someone to hug you tight, to love you  unconditionally, to encourage you and stand with you as you seek  treatment. Sometimes all you want to hear is that, despite what you feel  at this moment, the world is still beautiful, you?re still capable of  happiness and worthy of receiving it, and the future still holds amazing  possibilities.

 Sometimes there is still hope. Sometimes that?s enough.


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