# I am not normal



## Rosa (Mar 7, 2006)

I try to be normal but I'm not..I'm loosing it. i went and saw my doctor today and gave him some pictures I had drew of the abuse....I never should have done that!!! How could I be soooooo stupid!!!!! NOBODY is suppose to know!!! NOBODY!!! but he does no!!!! He nos cause I told him!!! How am I suppose to go on?? I'm driving home and thinking all these terriable things about my own death and how I left two dogs. I'm sooooooo tired of thinking like this!!!! i want my mind to be right!!!! I want it to stop thinking like I should have killed myself to stop what happened and I should kill myself now!@!!! I want to stop those thoughts but I CANT. I feel like I'm sitting here watching my mind deterate more and more and I just don't know what else to do. I'm soooo tired. I'm tired of pretending everything is ok when inside my mind its all screwed up. 
Rosa


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 7, 2006)

The fact that you still believe that nobody is supposed to know is what is holding you back. That belief was implanted by the person who abused you. That belief was never meant to help you or to protect you but solely to protect your abuser.

Letting go of the secrecy is part of letting go of the pain all of that has caused you and continues to cause you. It's part of how you move into the future.

You're not srupid. You're not losing your mind. You're not crazy. And nothing bad is going to happen because you "told". That's just a fairy tale invented by the person who abused you.


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## Rosa (Mar 8, 2006)

Thanks. It just hurts so bad and my response just seems so extreme....I am not going to hurt or kill myself,,,I'm not going to leave them two dogs.. its just the thoughts and messages in my head are so scary and out of nowhere type stuff. Thanks for saying I'm not crazy or stupid....that helps. My doctor did say I didn't have to feel like I had to push myself so fast and that whatever pace I go at is fine. Its kind of clear that I pushed myself too far to fast. He does know about the abuse but showing him the pictures I drew was just too much (as was drawing them in the first place). I'm glad you wrote nothing bad is going to happen cause I 'told' I think once I left there it was like the world came crashing down and all those old messages started playing again. 
After I posted this I moved around the board looking at supportive information-such as things to do to stop hurting yourself. I'm glad these posts are there. 
As always
Rosa


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## Eunoia (Mar 8, 2006)

hey Rosa- I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now... but I'm happy you were able to find some of those posts on here helpful to stop from hurting yourself. that takes dedication! the thing is, now that your therapist knows more it will be a huge load off your shoulders, hopefully, in the future when you want to talk to him.. he knows, so even though you might not like the fact that he saw those pictures, at least you can be honest w/ your feelings about things like this b/c he already knows- and you won't have to explain why. you took a huge step- and yes risk- by showing him those pictures- but to me that shows that some part of you wanted to let him know, let _someone_ know how you were feeling and he seemed like the right person, at the right time... I doubt that that would have been an easy decision or step to take by any means, so please don't feel too bad about doing so... you _will_ be okay and at least now you don't have to pretend anymore that everything is okay... I agree w/ that you should go at a pace that is comfortable for you... at a pace where you will still be in a sort of "okay" enough position to walk away from therapy okay w/ what you said and talked about... type as much as you want, we're always here to listen!


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## ThatLady (Mar 8, 2006)

You did the RIGHT thing by telling your doctor, Rosa. You've broken the secrecy chain. That's a HUGE step forward. As David said, the only purpose secrecy ever served was to protect the abuser. You've stepped outside your fear and brought into the light something that needed to be told. You should be very proud of your courage, hon. That waas a big step! I, for one, am very proud of you!

Hugs, luv. You're an amazing person.


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## Rosa (Mar 8, 2006)

Thank you all soooo much and safe hugs to all. I am so thankful I found this place. I can look at my arms this morning and see no new cuts...thats huge! Being able to come here post, read other posts about calming down and not hurting yourself and then reading I was not crazy or stupid helped so much. Just being able to say exactly what was going on inside my head and hearing its ok meant the world to me. I'm still shaky this morning but I'm very proud I made it through last night without cutting.
Thanks again for being there. This is so very hard at times but I'm no longer alone in all this. 
As always
Rosa


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## Diana (Mar 8, 2006)

It's a good thing that your doctor knows. Of course you feel uncomfortable because telling the secret was going outside of your comfort zone. But, that's a first step in getting over something like this. So, just remember, all the uncomfortable feelings you have right now will benefit you in the end if you continue with your therapy and begin to realize that it's not your fault. Good job, and hang in there!


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