# Question for you all.....



## LadyVirtue (Oct 3, 2011)

My boyfriend is away at school right now.  Things have been hard because it is a long distance relationship (it didn't start that way, but it became one when he went away to school).  One part of my depression came on because I was no longer getting to see him everyday (that was not the biggest reason, but it didn't help things).  In any case, while my summer played out and life really fell apart, things fell apart with him because I didn't tell him of my suicidal feelings at the time and I just wasn't letting him in - it wasn't that it was just HIM, I wasn't letting anyone in really.  

To make a long story short, we have decided to take a break from each other.  We both need time to heal (me from my illness and he from the betrayal he felt).  We decided it is ok to see other people and to like other people.  But then, he asked if, when he comes home this weekend, we can still spend some intimate time romantically.  I said yes, because to be honest, I'm a woman and I have needs.....it's been months since we last spent time alone.  

Then later he asked me if it would hurt me in any way emotionally if we were to make love while technically being on break.  I was surprised he would be so considerate to ask it.  I told him I would be fine, and when I asked him the same, he said he would be fine too.  We admitted to each other we are still in love with each other, and the break seems to take some pressure off.  (He is always pushing me to get better ASAP, and its hard to deal with that; but now that we are on break, he has ceased being so hard on me.  In return, I would frustrate him by not being 100% accountable, but now he is simply not worrying about that).

When I asked my sister if we could have the house alone (I live with my sister), she said sure, but she wondered why we are planning to get together if we are on break.  

So.....thoughts? Good idea, bad idea?


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## Jazzey (Oct 3, 2011)

Well, I think that decision really has to be yours, and your bf's.     Only the two of you can gauge this situation and decide whether or not you can do this without hurting one another?  There are too many variables - personality being one of them.  

In the end though, you care about one another.  So you can enjoy each other's company.  You can draw the boundaries as you go.


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## Yuray (Oct 3, 2011)

There is so much going on here that it's hard to offer a lot of insight. First, go for it if it makes you feel good!
Second, to drag some old aphorisms out...."Better the devil you know, then the one you don't know", and, 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst".

How long is the 'break' to last?
Who suggested it? (this may be hard to answer as so much that is said may be cloaked and one may think they suggested it first, when in fact, they were led to draw that conclusion).
You are free to see others, does this include sex?



> Then later he asked me if it would hurt me in any way emotionally if we were to make love while technically being on break.



Hurt you emotionally? Will it? If sex happens, you are not on a break. Sex complicates emotion sometimes.



> In return, I would frustrate him by not being 100% accountable, but now he is simply not worrying about that).


If you are not 100% accountable you must have your reasons, and his simply not worrying about it says a lot about his feelings.




> but now that we are on break, he has ceased being so hard on me.



Why do you think this is?


Breaking up is gut wrenching, and a lot of bargaining is done in the hope thats things will improve. Your BF still wants sex, but doesn't want to be 'there for you'.I understand the long distance thing, but you perhaps haven't been as informative as you could concerning your contact with him. Do you talk on the phone regularily? E mail? Text? Messenger? Letters? Facebook contact?



All I am getting from your post is you want to know if it's ok to sleep with him occasionally. I say yes, if you can process the event and feel good. If you sleep with him with expectations for impovement in the relationship, be careful.


One unfortunate thing in all forums is that, when someone is speaking of someone else whom we don't know, or hear from, we can't give a response that is always worthwhile or valid.


Be careful Lady Virtue, and try not to compromise.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 3, 2011)

My first reaction is "No."

But you are a grown woman, you can make your own decisions...  This is the opinion you have asked for.  I have similar misgivings because I don't know you or your boyfriend-on-a-break...

The reason I say no, is that I get a sense that now that your on-a-break boyfriend is far away he's free to do what he wants, and then when he comes home he knows that you will have sex with him.  It's like he's got a girl at every port.  Maybe not, but that's happened to a friend of mine.

I also think that he is taking advantage of you.  Why does he pressure you to get better?  It sounds to me like he doesn't have clue about the realities of depression.   He seems to be using this as an excuse not to be emotionally intimate, but seems it's a perfect opportunity to get physically intimate...  ???  I am concerned for you because now that he is not attached to you because of this break, he can do whatever he wants.  Technically he is allowing you to do the same, but would you?  If you met someone else who was very nice in your current location but put him aside each weekend that your former boyfriend-on-a-break came to visit, how is that fair to you, to your current relationship and whatever you call this thing your on-a-break-boyfriend and you have together... ?

Sounds like he has all the perks and none of the responsibilities or commitment...  Sounds like a perfect opportunity to string you along and make you wonder what he's doing and make you feel insecure.

I hope I am wrong about all that!  8(


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## Daniel (Oct 4, 2011)

Also, while we are focusing on the negative, most long-distance relationships still seem potentially doomed, at least in the long term.  It is true that Skype, etc., helps to make long-distance relationships less challenging, but perhaps this guy would find it too challenging.  Perhaps if he is introverted,  it would be more likely to work out.


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## LadyVirtue (Oct 4, 2011)

Displaced said:


> Well, I think that decision really has to be yours, and your bf's.     Only the two of you can gauge this situation and decide whether or not you can do this without hurting one another?  There are too many variables - personality being one of them.
> 
> In the end though, you care about one another.  So you can enjoy each other's company.  You can draw the boundaries as you go.



Thank you for the response, Displaced. There are a lot of variables indeed.  Seeing how things go seems to be the order of the day.  The result of the original discussion to go on break went something like this:

It's ok to "talk" to other people.
It's ok to like other people.
It's ok to see other people.
End goal: Is the goal to get back together or to eventually split up?
To this last question, he didn't seem to want to commit either way.  He kept saying let's just see how it goes.

Length of time?
"Let's just see how it goes."

To be honest I was a little concerned that he didn't want to decide what the goal was.  I don't mean he had to make the decision, both of us have to agree on something, but I noticed he wouldn't commit to anything.  My own preference was to take a break for a few months (maybe Christmas time) and then get back together once we have worked on some things individually.  

I really have no choice but to just see how things go.  ::shrug::

*~Lady Virtue~*

---------- Post added at 10:25 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:38 AM ----------




Yuray said:


> How long is the 'break' to last?



As I said in my response to Displaced, I don't really know.....



Yuray said:


> Who suggested it? (this may be hard to answer as so much that is said may be cloaked and one may think they suggested it first, when in fact, they were led to draw that conclusion).



We actually broke up two weeks ago because he wanted to.  He called me back within 24 hours and he wanted to get back together.  Between the short break up, then going on break and wanting to hook up, my sister and my friends say he doesn't know what he wants.  




Yuray said:


> You are free to see others, does this include sex?



Interesting question.  The part that interests me the most is the word "sex".  I am not a virgin but he is.  In the time we have been together, we have not had vaginal sex (just done a lot of other stuff) preferring to wait until marriage.  As I am not a virgin would  he be ok with me having sex again, or would that bother him?  I don't know the answer to that, and I didn't really think about it until now.  (And do I need his approval, or is this my own decision?  Do I need to consider his feelings on it?)




Yuray said:


> Hurt you emotionally? Will it? If sex happens, you are not on a break. Sex complicates emotion sometimes.



It certainly does.  




Yuray said:


> Why do you think this is?



In trying to help me get better, he is very hard on me and has high expectations.  Because I am not moving at the pace that he would like to see, he is frustrated.  He gets tired of being frustrated and aggravated, I suppose and this break lets him not have to worry about me if he does not want to. 



Yuray said:


> Breaking up is gut wrenching, and a lot of bargaining is done in the hope thats things will improve. Your BF still wants sex, but doesn't want to be 'there for you'.I understand the long distance thing, but you perhaps haven't been as informative as you could concerning your contact with him. Do you talk on the phone regularily? E mail? Text? Messenger? Letters? Facebook contact?



Him wanting to be on break, but still wanting to get together gave me pause as well -- hence this thread I started.  I thought of the whole cow and milk theory -- He wants the milk for free but doesn't want to have the whole cow.  

We talk daily by phone.  Interestingly, a while back he asked if we could talk every other day because we both run out of tihngs to talk about (school is the same for him, and I am home all day job hunting).  He said he didn't like just sitting in awkward silence on the phone.  I thought it would be detrimental to our already fragile relationship to limit the talking, but I agreed.  Recently, after deciding to go on break, he is calling more and more.  Just yesterday he called me three times!  This is not typical for him.  I have no idea what this means.  We also text throughout the evening.  We don't email or facebook really because he doesn't have consistent internet access.  





Yuray said:


> All I am getting from your post is you want to know if it's ok to sleep with him occasionally. I say yes, if you can process the event and feel good. If you sleep with him with expectations for impovement in the relationship, be careful.



I will be careful.  That is one reason why I am seeking outside opinions from you guys.  I want the relationship to improve, but not as a result of sleeping together.  I think it can improve in its own right, and getting down together is really more like icing on a cake -- not necessary, but nice to have.  Although, we did say to each other, that one reason things may have fallen apart was not having that physical contact.  A chemical is made in the brain called oxytocin as a result of orgasms.  Oxytocin is the chemical responsible for pair bonding.  Needless to say, we aren't making as much oxytocin these days.   At the same time, getting to be physical should not make or break a relationship, and if it does, it was not much of a relationship.  (I actually said to him though, that one reason I might be so crabby these days is because I'm not getting any.  I asked if he agreed, and he was silent.  Smart man - there is no right answer to that question :lol::lol




Yuray said:


> Be careful Lady Virtue, and try not to compromise.



Thanks!

*~Lady Virtue~*

---------- Post added at 12:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:25 AM ----------




jollygreenjellybean said:


> My first reaction is "No."
> 
> But you are a grown woman, you can make your own decisions...  This is the opinion you have asked for.  I have similar misgivings because I don't know you or your boyfriend-on-a-break...
> 
> ...



I am not sure either.  Part of me can attribute this to me being his first girlfriend.  He has never experienced a major break up before (excluding that 24 hour break up s weeks ago), and he admitted he doesn't know exactly how being on break works.  I have never been on a break before either.  When I told my sisters about what he wanted, they both thought that he started liking someone at school and that he was trying to end the relationship with me so he could have her.  When I bluntly asked him if there was someone else, he said the girls at his school don't deserve a guy like him (ego much??)

I have told him that I don't like how he pressures me.  Some of it is miscommunication, and some of it is he simply doesn't know what depression feels like.  I said to him, "Have you ever hated yourself?"  he said, "Yes."  Then I asked, "Have you ever hated yourself so much that you wanted to die? And then tried it?  Twice? That's an inkling of what this is like for me."  He also thought I was progressing faster than I was.  So I told him, if you broke your leg and the day you got your cast, someone said, "It's time to start thinking of that marathon you have coming up", wouldn't you be upset? That's what it's been feeling like with him.   I'm not sure if he understood this example or not.  Sometimes I just want to mail my DBT book to him because it explains why I think the way I do sometimes, better than I can explain it myself.  

I don't know if he intends to string me along or not.  I'll be vigilant.  

Thanks,

*~Lady Virtue~*

---------- Post added at 12:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:28 PM ----------




Daniel said:


> Also, while we are focusing on the negative, most long-distance relationships still seem potentially doomed, at least in the long term.  It is true that Skype, etc., helps to make long-distance relationships less challenging, but perhaps this guy would find it too challenging.  Perhaps if he is introverted,  it would be more likely to work out.




He is introverted, but tell me, why would that make things more likely to work out?

*~Lady Virtue~*


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 4, 2011)

> When I told my sisters about what he wanted, they both thought that he  started liking someone at school and that he was trying to end the  relationship with me so he could have her.  When I bluntly asked him if  there was someone else, he said the girls at his school don't deserve a  guy like him (ego much??)



So in other words, he didn't really answer your question "yes" or "no" he just said no girls deserved him...  8P  Nice evasiveness.  That's one problem I have with that statement.  The other: maybe he just uses them then, because he thinks so highly of himself and doesn't think about their feelings. He just thinks of his "needs."  They're just girls that have something he can use, and now that he's on a break he's guilt-free to do what he wants with them while he's there, and now when he comes home to you he can have you, too...  I hope that's not the case, but if he's not giving you a direct answer to your direct question, I would have trouble trusting him.  

I was engaged once, and the same thing happened to me.  We didn't have a "break" but he kept breaking up with me... The first time was 24 hours and then he came back and apologized, and told me his sister told him he should break up with me.  The second time he just took off to go to his parents and was gone for about a week (or maybe it was two) and apparently it was his sister again (not sure why she was so against me, but she ought to have been the last person he should get relationship advice from since her boyfriends apparently were all psychos).  I was starting to think he was going to be listening to his sister instead of me all the time, and where does she get off sticking her nose into our relationship, and where does he get off taking advice from her instead of talking to me about what's bothering him?  This time when he came back I felt numb to him.  I told him nope, I don't want to keep doing this.  We were officially broken up.  There were never any breaks.  We were both immature and had our own separate ideas of what a relationship was, granted, but that was too weird to me that he'd always go with his sister before me...  *scratching head*

If it were me, I would make it a clean break and avoid communication for several months.  If after that time period he wants to commit to an actual exclusive relationship, then I would say OK...  Wouldn't you feel more at ease on either actual break-up or actual commitment?  If it's in-between, I don't know if it's healthy for you.  Again, it still would feel to me that he's got all the advantage in the situation, and you have none.  Ask him if honesty is important to him in the relationship... Then ask him if you met someone and wanted to date that person exclusively, how would it make him feel?   And ask yourself the same question...

Sorry, it just doesn't sit with me well...  Good for you for being vigilant, but sometimes when you are too close to a situation, it might be hard to be objective.

Do you have any therapists you can discuss this with?


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## Yuray (Oct 4, 2011)

> I really have no choice but to just see how things go. ::shrug::


This is merely waiting for someone else to make a choice, and you to accept the decision.


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## LadyVirtue (Oct 9, 2011)

Well it is not going to happen after all, and it is probably for the best.  I was a little mad at him because he propositioned me, then said let's not do it.  Then 2 hours later he wanted to again (this was last night).  This morning he cancels again, and then again this afternoon he wanted to again.  After all that he finally says no, let's not do it.  He says let's just give each other our stuff back and go our own ways.  He said he didn't want to send mixed signals.  At the same time, changing his mind 4 times in 24 hours is also sending me mixed signals.  In any case I think I will ultimately be happy being done with him.


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