# Sometimes I forget...



## Banned (Jan 26, 2013)

Sometimes when I have thoughts of suicide I only think that it would be so easy.  I forget that it's permanent and can't be undone.  It scares me because sometimes I am impulsive and spontaneous.  I'd like to think that I wouldn't actually do anything this big impulsively, but I often get really caught up in how it could potentially be fast and easy and I forget about everything else.  

In the past when big things would happen it'd be my go-to default response, and then I got a lot better at changing my thinking and reframing it.  Sometimes though, my moods drop and I default back to old thought patterns and default thoughts of suicide.  It takes a LOT of energy and focus to be on top of this and it is so exhausting at at times.  The exhaustion then fuels the thoughts of how it would be fast and easy...and I get caught in a loop.  It's frustrating and confusing because then I feel caught and pulled in different directions.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 26, 2013)

I'm struggling with the same thing right now. I think we can only just hold on and hope for those better times. I wish I had some good thing to say.


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## Banned (Jan 26, 2013)

Sometimes (like now) I feel like self-sabotaging everything good I have so I have a (more) valid reason...but I can't.  I know it's not right.


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## rdw (Jan 26, 2013)

I must admit four years ago it was all I could think about and plan - it was my solution. At times now I go back into that old pattern but then remind myself to live in the moment and look at why I'm returning to that thinking - what's stressing me out, why do I think my life is worth nothing, why why why. Sometimes I wonder if it's just my habit now - it's easy for my mind to go there and has been going there since I was fourteen.


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## Banned (Jan 26, 2013)

It's an easy place to go for sure.  I'm really "off" tonight.  Quite teary, want to just cry.  I had a bit of a hissy fit at work over something stupid and my manager was just like "whaaaa????"...but my first thought was "this is just another reason I shouldn't be alive".  That's just how I feel in general right now...


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