# Maybe some advice?



## Mattius_ (Jan 31, 2005)

Ok I wrote this (tonight) after a long night of not doing anything but screwing around on the internet when I should have been studying. This was written in rage.

*The Biggest Problem Of My Life*

The biggest problem of my life is that I cannot succeed in school. I am a failure in school. As of now, I don’t belong at college because School has ALWAYS been second to something else. The reason why this is the biggest problem in my life, and has been the biggest problem in my life, is because I cannot find a solution. Moreover, It seems that I don’t want to find a solution. I will FAIL a test tomorrow, I will get less than a 50% on my first TEST OF THE SECOND SEMESTER. FAILURE MATT. This word fucking numbs me now because I don’t even blink when I hear it. It is a meaningless word. Why? Because deep in my heart, I don’t care if I fail, because I think I could succeed if I wanted to. The only factor that separates being somebody from being nobody is success. NOT BRAINS, NOT INTELLECT, NOT SWEET TALKING. Almost everyone I know is better than me. I am so quick to tell others that they are lower than me. I CONSTANTLY LIE about how smart I am although I TEST LOW. I HAVE A TEST TUESDAY. I WILL FAIL IT BECAUSE I DIDN’T STUDY. 2 OUT OF 2 TESTS I WILL FAIL. AND STILL I FEEL THAT I CAN CHANGE THE STORY. I cant change the story because I don’t know the solution. Because I don’t know the solution, I am a FAILURE. I WANT TO WRITE IT ON MY FOREHEAD. I AM A FAILURE. I AM WORTHLESS IN EVERY RESPECT I DEEM IMPORTANT, AND I AM A SUCCESS IN NOTHING VALUABLE. Do I have the potential to be a success? At heart, I think I do, but realistically, I don’t, because nothing at all has changed in the last 5 years of schooling to prove it otherwise. FAIL MATT, YOU ARE NOTHING YOU FUCKING FAILURE. The solution is the only answer to this problem. And if I cannot find this solution then I will FAIL for the rest of my life. Even writing this is doing nothing, my emotions are completely numb. Want to go to read forums matt? Hell yea you do because you are a fucking failure by nature, and are governed by impulses. You have no sense of direction, and you are the definition of a hypocrite. You are the king of bullshit, and are the dumbest being at this university.

*Groping for a solution*

The two things I see that result in change are as follows

A)	Changing circumstances. I have to make the conditions right for success. I have made some progress so far, maybe, by quitting halo. I have made charts and shit, that is progress. I NEED to establish sleeping patterns. I NEED to stay awake until 9:30 pm every day. I NEED to get good sleep. I NEED to go to classes. Next, I Need to plan ahead. I Need to mark a calendar of when shit is due and when activities are going on. I NEED to know what is on that calendar at ALL TIMES.
B)	Secondly, and more importantly, I NEED to create motivation to succeed. A motivation to succeed will be the most challenging thing I will have ever done in my life. I NEED this motivation because, at most without it, I will conform to discipline and become a quasi-successful and to me that is FAILURE. Motivation, oh my god I cannot even grasp how to solve this problem. Motivation takes a carrot at the end of a stick, not a hot iron in the ass that is what makes it so hard. What is my carrot? FUCK I CANNOT THINK OF ANY CARROTS THAT I LIKE. IS THIS WHY I AM DOOMED? I have no carrots in my life. Ok, slow down and think. I have carrots in one part of life, they are women. I have successfully lifted weights and in some degree eaten more in the last three weeks. I have gained 8 pounds and am now at 145ish and are beginning to look much more toned in the arms and stomach. So there is a carrot in my physical being, that is that I want companionship and sex. Alas, I have had progress as far as carrots go in the physical part of my life; but the mental, that is the most important, and also the most hard. Carrot, carrot……. I cant think of any carrots, so I guess ill start by listing hot irons. Hot irons are the people in my life that care about me and want me to succeed. The biggest hot iron is my dad. He is a great guy, the best guy that I know, he has told me straight up that the only thing he has left in his life is me and my sister, and that without us, he has nothing to live for. If I fail him again this semester I just wont be able to live with myself, and yet, I am on the course right now. This is an example that Iron prods don’t work for the most part. Another Iron prod is my image. I don’t want my image to be destroyed, I have lied to everyone so much that if I were to fail out of college I would completely lose all credibility to EVERYONE I know. Not one person knows my true self. EVERYONE thinks I am smart because I am the king of bullshit and can lead them on. Anyways, hot iron doesn’t work so I have to think about carrots at the end of a stick. Hmmmmmmmmm…… Maybe it would be better to think of WHY I don’t have the big carrot in my life. It has been so long since I have had the big carrot in my life, maybe I have never had the big carrot in my life. The big one, meaning the purpose of my life. Maybe I should consult Ben, maybe he can tell me, Hey, believing in life after death is something ill indulge in if it helps me to succeed. Maybe I should drive to Ben today and meditate on his grave about what I should do with MY LIFE. Do I really want to help people? Hmmm, maybe a breach of light. I seem to help people when the opportunity arises. Like, when the help is immediately needed. But I don’t tend to help people when it is far away and organized. Blah, does this mean anything? Maybe so, maybe not, im clearly too dumb to figure it out. Motivation…. Hmmmm, maybe ill think about it for a few days???

<edited by Admin>

Ok now clearly I have some issues, maybe you could help me out I cannot find motivation to succeed!


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 31, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

It seems to me you've identified the key issue -- you're doing something you're not motivated to do... and for all the wrong reasons: image and what other people want for you.

Start by doing this: If you were not doing what you are doing now, what would you be doing instead? I don't mean for the rest of your life -- just for the immediate future.


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## Nutmeg (Jan 31, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

I'm sorry you're feeling so despondent and down on yourself.

The difference between somebody and nobody isn't success. Unless you are talking about someone who "must look good" to others. Life isn't really about that. Yes it's good to get a college degree but it's not a life requirement. Life is about finding things that stimulate you and fill you with purpose. Being happy and motivated usually comes when you're doing something that you're talented at and feel competent in. Or learning something you truly want to learn. You said school has always been secondary. What was primary?

nutmeg


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## Mattius_ (Feb 2, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

Dr. Baxter almost all kids have troubles with staying focused on their studies when they do not want to do them but they do them anyways, so I dont see not being having motivation as an excuse...

Like many kids, if I could have what I wanted right now(immediate future), it would be to play Halo (a video game) and go to tournaments across the nation, atleast until I get tired of it(not for atleast 2 years.)

That is what I would want to do. Pretty worthless? Yes! And that is why I cant do it.

nutmeg, I am talented at playing Halo, and there are a handful of people who make a living at it (by winning large money tournaments), but again, that is worthless and if in the afterlife (if it exists) I were asked why I chose to not help people or be productive and I answered "because I thought I could get away with not deovoting my life to helping people," that wouldnt be good. Living life without being productive or helping people is against all of my principals, and that is why I quit halo on Dec.1 2004 and havent played it since.

Your right Dr. Baxter, it is a huge motivational problem, but other kids have that too, and still do it! How can I be like them????


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 2, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

What I'm trying to suggest is that you don't lack motivation for everything -- you just lack motivation for what you have chosen as a goal.

Maybe it's the wrong goal.


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## ThatLady (Feb 2, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

What about checking into taking some aptitude tests, perhaps at a local college? Aptitude tests can show you a lot about yourself, the things you're interested in and do well, and the fields of study that compliment those things. Once you have an idea of what you might do really well, you'd be better able to decide on a course of study that would not only keep you interested, but prepare you to do something you really could enjoy doing and make a living doing it. I'd think that would be a worthwhile thing for you to try, at this point.

As Dr. Baxter has pointed out, it may not be a lack of motivation that's causing you problems. It may simply be that you're trying to go in the wrong directions.


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## Nutmeg (Feb 2, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*



			
				Mattius_ said:
			
		

> Dr. Baxter almost all kids have troubles with staying focused on their studies when they do not want to do them but they do them anyways, so I dont see not being having motivation as an excuse...



I think your comparison is a bit extreme. Lots of kids aren't motivated and can't make themselves motivated. The ones who can remain motivated have some internal abilities to focus by remembering a realistic goal or wanting to avoid negative consequences.




> Like many kids, if I could have what I wanted right now(immediate future), it would be to play Halo (a video game) and go to tournaments across the nation, atleast until I get tired of it(not for atleast 2 years.)



That's pretty ambitious and exciting. Some kids are doing this -- how do they make it happen? It's not worthless, it's a legitimate thing to want to do. I don't know anything about halo. Heck, I'm into computer solitaire!





> that is worthless and if in the afterlife (if it exists) I were asked why I chose to not help people or be productive and I answered "because I thought I could get away with not deovoting my life to helping people," that wouldnt be good. Living life without being productive or helping people is against all of my principals, and that is why I quit halo on Dec.1 2004 and havent played it since.



I think one issue here is your harsh, judgmental view of yourself and your passion in life. You've practically damned yourself to hell for liking this video game. And you gave it up.

You might actually be grieving the loss of this game. Maybe if you were allowed to keep playing it, you'd also feel motivated to do your studies. I don't know, it's just a thought.

nutmeg


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## Mattius_ (Feb 8, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

Nutmeg, I appreciate your response.



> The ones who can remain motivated have some internal abilities to focus by remembering a realistic goal or wanting to avoid negative consequences.



How do I be like them?????



> That's pretty ambitious and exciting. Some kids are doing this -- how do they make it happen? It's not worthless, it's a legitimate thing to want to do.



Kids make it happen by quitting life(school, friends, obligations) and focusing 8-16 hours a day playing it.

It is very exciting, for years in highschool and at the start of college, it was my purpose of life, it was my reason for living. It was so that I could balance my failure as a student. It was most of all something that kept that unrelenting and all important question "what am I going to do in life" on the back burner. After posting this, I went back and played Halo for two days, it was excitement, it was passion, it was fulfillment. In the 48 hours of my comeback I played 25 hours divided into two separate blocks.

But then we go to your statement, "It's not worthless, it's a legitimate thing to want to do", I just cant agree with you on that one. It is something that doesnt help the world in any way, it is NOT helping ANYTHING when I play halo. It is me having forgetting my life and immersing myself in 8+ hours of halo a day and thinking about it the other 16. It takes over my life, it really does, and I dont even care that it does other than the fact that I will fail my parents, my friends, God, and the world. There is an incredible sense of guilt when I think about making it my lifestyle, and there should be, because it is among the most worthless things a man could do with his life. This is why I do not think halo is a pursuable endeavor.

On a side note, I can quit halo semi-easily. (When I quit in December, I ,instead of playing, watched my roommate play until I could deal with not playing or watching it at all(less than a week.) I havent played at all today(no problem), and I can live with the fact that it cant be apart of my life with great ease. Is this addiction or not?

I think maybe I have come to a conclusion. I think it is not the game that I am addicted to, but the lifestyle. It is a substitute for a real purpose. The lifestyle is in essence forgetting life and its obligations. It reassures me a great deal when I can forget all of the bad things in my life, and the beacon of hope is the halo lifestyle in that I have a purpose in my life. It isnt the money that matters, the money is something that makes living the lifestyle practical.

Onto your last quote 





> You might actually be grieving the loss of this game. Maybe if you were allowed to keep playing it, you'd also feel motivated to do your studies. I don't know, it's just a thought.



As you have learned the liftestyle of playing halo is by nature the mandatory sacrifice of a life. Besides, I was failing then when I was playing just as I am failing now when I am not.

In carving my new lifestyle (one centered around school) I find that dropping habits is not nearly as hard as making new ones.

Any magic words to turn my life around?


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## Mattius_ (Feb 8, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

Dr. Baxter, you wrote



> What I'm trying to suggest is that you don't lack motivation for everything -- you just lack motivation for what you have chosen as a goal.
> 
> Maybe it's the wrong goal.



I understand what your getting at, but can you run with that a little more?


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 8, 2005)

*Maybe some advice????*

When you had something you enjoyed doing, you didn't lack motivation or attention/concentration. I'm not suggesting you go back to playing internet games because, as you know, that has its own problems. But if you could find something else you are passionate about, you might well find that the "motivation problem" is solved.

If you lack interest or enthusiasm for what you are trying to do now, maybe you are doing the wrong thing for you -- maybe you need to be doing something different.


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