# Reality



## forgetmenot

don't want to be in a world where i seem to harm others without even trying but i do   

 so tired   of reality   of what is in front of me
reality is  there will always be suffering all around always  and i am not able to do a thing to stop it

I was kept well to help them all  and i tried and i failed  i am tired lord
i want  reality to go away   i want to find a place that is safe   REALITY nothing is real nothing


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## David Baxter PhD

Maybe it would help to look at it this way:

Reality may not be what you have experienced thus far. That is the reality you know but there are alternate realities, realities in which you allow and encourage yourself to look after yourself first instead of devoting all your energies to worrying about and looking after other people.

That doesn't mean you have to give up caring about and looking after other people. The two goals are not incompatible.

One of the ways I reconciled the two for myself is by coming to understand that if I didn't take time for myself and nurture myself there wouldn't be anything left to give to anyone else.

That was a major turning point for me. Maybe it could be for you too...


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## forgetmenot

I have nothing else to give now  Reality is what it is  and i know only too well what it will become  
but i do understand what you said  i do  thank you for your advice    i cannot show me compassion  i just can't


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## David Baxter PhD

If you can't, who can? Who will?


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## forgetmenot

I don't want compassion  i don't wnat care  does that make sense    i want to go away  but i can't   i dont' want to have to look at me  i don't want to talk 
i want just a place that is quiet and peaceful and a place where i have not to make any decisions  oh god     
I hate me so much still   ihate me so much    and i cannot show that   then they will all see my pain my weakness
If i do not take care of me  noone else will  i understnd that i do   im sorry  how does one care for something they despise how 
i guess i have pushed me to my limits  i have burned me out   sleep is the only way i know how to care for me now  and i can't even seem to do that well


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## Banned

forgetmenot said:


> don't want to be in a world where i seem to harm others without even trying but i do



The word that jumps out at me is "seem".  It's subjective, and you might think its your reality but is it others' reality?  

Do you think that if you could get back on your meds your perspective might change?


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## forgetmenot

Meds only made things even more clearer  but um iguess thatis a topic i can bring up with my therapist  reality will not change and i have harmed so many  i have


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## Banned

forgetmenot said:


> I don't want compassion  i don't wnat care  does that make sense    i want to go away  but i can't   i dont' want to have to look at me  i don't want to talk
> i want just a place that is quiet and peaceful and a place where i have not to make any decisions  oh god
> I hate me so much still   ihate me so much    and i cannot show that   then they will all see my pain my weakness
> If i do not take care of me  noone else will  i understnd that i do   im sorry  how does one care for something they despise how
> i guess i have pushed me to my limits  i have burned me out   sleep is the only way i know how to care for me now  and i can't even seem to do that well



Why do you hate yourself so much?  If you are so terrible and unlikable why would you want to share yourself with others?  Do you see the contradiction?  You obviously have something to give but it doesn't mean you need to give all of yourself all of the time.  David already made that point about looking after yourself first and you can do that by having a nice bath, reading a book, going for a walk, etc...

---------- Post Merged at 08:37 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:36 PM ----------



forgetmenot said:


> i have harmed so many  i have



According to who?


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## forgetmenot

I will take a bath  i will  shut the lights off and find a quiet place    your right those things i can do      

Just someone who has stated so  and i know i have harmed i know  i did not mean to do so bt i did   

lights off going to bed  all good things to do  i guess small things  i can do  your right   take some kind of control back


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## Banned

I think all of us at some poin in our lives hurt someone else, be it intentionally or not.  Its part of being human.  That's why apologies exist.  I've hurt a LOT of people in my life, and it's not cool, but I'd hurt a lot more if I ended my life.  That would be even less cool.  

Take a step back and do some self-soothing.   Tomorrow is a new day.


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## forgetmenot

The apology is never accepted  and that is ok that is their choice      ya tomorrw is another day  your right  im ok  will sleep ihope soon  see my therpaist tomorrw   and i will decide what next step to take      another decison  to make    ok breath   go to sleep   your right im sorry reality just hurts so much right now

---------- Post Merged on August 30th, 2012 at 07:46 AM ---------- Previous Post was on August 29th, 2012 at 10:54 PM ----------

YOur right Dr Baxter  i had forgotten what nourishment was even stupid me   until turtle explained again  small things   just small things that will help me keep my energy up

sleep is one   eating is another  i have to eat  something    i think also i get dehydrated i forget to drink in this weather  

   Ok  i  understand  reality will not change but in order to face it   i need to have energy  

will try to take care of me more  thanks iwill be ok


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## forgetmenot

Went to therapy today  my T explained to me reality can be different  outside my bouondaries  uh just like Dri Baxter said     Also said  that one needs to replenish oil  Mother Teresa said that  to keep going      
My homework is to stay out of that bed   try to  do small things for me    i did buy me two new shirts
Also to try and talk to someone when i was out     I did  talk to a lady who talk to me first at Tim Hortons  wished her a good day at the end of it  i was with my girll i  took her out for lunch
I then visited my twin and mother  and have invited them to supper  but they won't come  so i will bring supper to  them
i hve managed to stay out of bed all day but i think i need to sleep just for an hour as i am beat now
Will try hard to nourish me  i will   trust people no  not yet anyways  but maybe someday


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## forgetmenot

No matter what my reality is  how painful it is  how dark it seems at times  reality is  i have to somehow just keep going  and not let emotions win


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## forgetmenot

Reality  there is no such thing  nothing is what it seems to be   no one is as they say   all  lies this world   no realty  no wonder people get so lost


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## NeedaName

It's all perspectives. My Grandmother always said there's your side of the story, their side of the story and the truth usually rests somewhere in the middle. When it seems like it's all lies, I try to remember that.


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## forgetmenot

The truth will always come out in the end  it will .That is what my aunt always said  

 leave it be and soon enough lies will be shown and truth be known

I hope someday truth will be revealed


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## Darkside

forgetmenot said:


> I have nothing else to give now  Reality is what it is  and i know only too well what it will become
> but i do understand what you said  i do  thank you for your advice    i cannot show me compassion  i just can't



Unless you've developed the power to tell the future you don't know what is coming. Nobody does - except God.

One of my favorite movies is "Where the Heart Is" with Natalie Portman and Ashley Judd. There is a scene where Natalie's character (Novalee Nation) is consoling her friend who is wondering what to tell her children after she and them have just been brutally attacked. She tells her this:

"You tell them that our lives can change with every breath we take... and  tell 'em to hold on like hell to what they've got: each other, and a  mother who would die for them and almost did... You tell them we've all  got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth  living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass  it on."

If you are like me you grew up believing that living for yourself, expressing your desires and needs and using your own heart and mind was wrong and made you bad. I learned very early that I was expected to take care of everyone's needs and feelings and that my own feelings and needs were unimportant. Classic co-dependency.

Guess what - its a lie told by people who didn't know how to take care of themselves and had to rely on little children to make them feel better.


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## forgetmenot

In a twisted way they made me into someone  they gave me skills to become a carer  without those skills i would be no one iam grafeful for what is now


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## Darkside

What I've had to do is learn to be a "carer" for myself. I forget all the time, and the gravity of my childhood and the ingrained reflexes in my reptilian brain keep pulling me back in my old way of doing things. Forgetting to eat and drink and exercise are things you do for yourself - for your health and well-being. As one therapist told me (or maybe I read it in a book) at this stage in life if you don't take care of yourself no one is going to do it for you.


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## forgetmenot

Yes hun no one will take care of you but you i know that hun  
  I too have to remind myself of that one because  sometimes end of the day i have forgotten to eat or drink
 I just get myself so busy  so i don't have to think
Taking care of oneself seems so much more difficult then taking care of others but iknow it has to be done 
I am glad you are taking care of YOu now hun  and you have learned that you are important  hugs


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## forgetmenot

reality is as long as i am here things will not change for her  as long as i am here


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## Andy

Your reality seems to be masked by your depression V. That is so not true at all. I obviously don't know the whole situation but I would tend to believe with how generous you are with support, that things are and always will be better for her with you here. :support:


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## forgetmenot

just got home 306am  in emerg all night with someone  called ambulance  let professionals look after her  now we are both home im tired so tired


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## forgetmenot

biopsy back for my twin she has rare muscle disease  christ  how the hell did she get that  she fights  to get her life back  stable now 2 yrs now this   see see reality see  see dam


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## MHealthJo

Gosh, I am sorry to hear this Forgetmenot. 

Is it a progressive disease? Treatable, or no?


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## Cat Dancer

Sorry to hear that.


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## SilverRaven

Sorry things have not been going well for you..


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## forgetmenot

It is a progressive decease dam  very rare dam eh  how the hell she got this  i don't understand


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## MHealthJo

Gosh... Big hugs to you Forgetmenot. xx


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## forgetmenot

i don't understand why this family keeps getting  more and more  ill    bad news yet again  i don't know why it keeps happening  you would think we had our share but no

Today my girl  cancer scare now   tired  so tired of this  of constantly trying to push forward only to have them be pushed back again  reality is so dark it really is


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## MHealthJo

There really is too much of a share of ill health for some... hope the latest things only turn out to be a scare...

Thinking of you.... xx


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## forgetmenot

her cells were abnormal  went back and they continue to change  told her come back in 6 mths to be tested again hell 6 mths really  what if it is cancer xxxxxx really  6 mths to wait and see  dam eh


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## forgetmenot

take my girl back on april 29  hope the cells are normal this time i really do  i am so afraid for her


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## MHealthJo

Thinking of you and hope the news is better. x


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## Harebells

Hope it goes well forgetmenot, will be thinking of you on the 29th, so hard the wait for that kind of news. x


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## forgetmenot

cells are still abnormal she is to return again in 6 mths  hel  just hell  for a 4th visit now  they even don't have that she went 8mths ago they told her it had be 13mths ago
well i took her out of a school appt it was sept 17 she was there last not 13mths ago  so w here is her records  of that treatment gone'  will phone office tomorrow and get that corrected   blaming her for not being there when she was  i took her  
doesn't matter  the cells are still changing  not good news not good news at all


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## Harebells

Really sorry to hear that forgetmenot, sorry to hear there is still so much uncertainty in this situation, hope she will be ok, you're in my thoughts x


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## MHealthJo

I am sorry Forgetmenot. 

Although it is always much more reassuring to get completely normal results, keep in mind that abnormalities can exist without being dangerous, and some people have healthy long, lo-o-ng periods of time where they continue keeping an eye on something unusual, and it actually never turns into anything that is a threat or danger. x


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## forgetmenot

I know  i know just nurse said doc was worried that all  so it go me worried some too   oh dear  but if it was worse i am sure they would have her back earlier 
told my girl she really should book appointment with her gp  so he could explain more to her what the results were    
tired that all i  just wanted better news for her  we are doing everything to get things to change all these immun meds  diet changes  hell she exercise so much walks every where    im  am sure al lwill be ok right  it will   but when one reads about this  it also says  prolonged changes in the cells  can and will turn cancerous    
i don't know how long i can be here for her  i don't know  but she will be ok  she will


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