# Had a terrible weekend.



## eva (Feb 25, 2013)

I'm not sure where to post this but I had a really hard time with my boyfriend over the past few days.

We went out of town to attend conference and to catch up with some friends and colleagues. I was feeling anxious and incredibly awkward at the event because of unresolved conflicts with some close friends who'd hurt my feelings. What they had done was invited us to stay in their hotel for the event, and then apparently backpedaled later, after which they stopped talking to me for 2 months when I expressed my hurt and anger to them. 

Saturday: My boyfriend was becoming increasingly impatient and aggravated with my mood but kept pretending nothing was wrong when I asked him about it, only to become more upset when I called him out on it. Some of our other friends let us sit in their room for a while so I could calm down, but when I started crying and saying to him that I felt overwhelmed and like I didn't belong, he decided that we should go home. I felt agitated and upset because he kept pressuring me to make decisions about whether we should go and I couldn't cope with his anger that I sensed. We started arguing on the way to the bus station and he finally lost his temper and started yelling, which made me feel so frightened that I had a panic attack. It felt very sudden and I haven't had one in 6 months. He led me back to the hotel the conference was in and our aforementioned other friends let me sit in the bathroom for a while so we could talk and I could wash my face and relax. My boyfriend found out that the people who "ditched" us on their room plans were staying next door, so he went to confront them. In the meantime I tried to breathe and clear my mind. 

When he came back, he told me that it was actually his fault that we'd been left in the cold for a hotel room because evidently, when we'd been invited to stay, he declined on both our behalves (without asking me what I thought) but then completely forgot that he'd even done so. His memory is bad sometimes because he has ADD but he was taking full responsibility for the mistake and saying that I should be mad at him. And I was. Me feeling isolated for 2 months, becoming convinced that I wasn't respected or wanted by our closest friends, unnecessary anxiety, hurt and anger. My first panic attack in 6 months, all that crap because of a completely asinine flub on his part. He apologized thoroughly and said he'd make sure they got in touch with me. Apparently they were unhappy with how I'd expressed my feelings (but at the same time, they'd chosen to sit on it without a word for 2 months). My boyfriend then decided that he'd make things right by helping negotiate and making sure such ridiculous problems could be avoided later.

Meanwhile our other-friends were worried about me and wanted me to come out of the bathroom and eat something. After which we all went to a party and I tried to relax. The party was really nice, a lot of people I like who I hadn't seen in a while were there. My boyfriend was drinking a lot because he wanted to wind down after the stress he'd caused us both. I felt tired from my panic attack but I was having fun with people. Honestly, things were going really well until he made ANOTHER stupid mistake.

In our relationship we are okay with being affectionate and flirty with other people sometimes, but we also have certain boundaries. Which he chose to overstep. There was a girl who was flirting with both of us in a joking sort of way and she asked my boyfriend if he wanted to grope her, which he did without asking me if I was okay with it. I don't blame the girl at all. She was nice, and I didn't know what she wanted or what her intentions were, and it wasn't her job to know the boundaries of other people's relationships. He was the one who failed to set them, and it hurt extremely. I pulled him away from the party and I tried to talk to him about it, but he was too drunk and too tired to listen or respond. He said it would have to wait til the morning, and I (loudly) explained that that wasn't acceptable for me because waiting til the morning meant forcing me to feel anxious and hurt all night on even more unresolved issues. We'd been told by the party host that we could stay in the 'party room' overnight but there was no way I could handle staying overnight with my boyfriend with the way he'd hurt me. My boyfriend then said he wanted me to stop raising my voice and I very bluntly told him that he deserved to be yelled at with what he'd done. He got extremely angry again, kicked the chair he'd been sitting on and walked away. 

We both worked out arrangements with people who were kind enough to let us sleep in their rooms so that we could resolve the issue in the morning without forcing me to have to stay near him during the night. But I felt so low, agitated and alone that I attempted self-harm. I didn't want to die. I have no inclinations to suicide at all, but I felt so lost that I didn't know what else would give me a break from my moods except for the sensation of physical pain. It didn't work because the thing I was using wasn't enough to break skin. All I really accomplished was giving myself a rash. After 5-10 minutes of trying I told myself, "Stop, this isn't working" and went to sleep. 

Sunday: I met up with my boyfriend in the morning and he apologized and we talked a lot. He bought me some breakfast and we spent the day talking. The friends who let me use their room the previous day for calming down from panic let us sit in again so me and boyfriend could rest and talk things out while they were downstairs checking out more of the conference. I eventually worked up the courage to tell him about my attempt to hurt myself. He took it hard. He felt so angry at himself and guilty that he was panicking severely and repeatedly calling himself a failure. He was actually starting to scare me so I got him to stretch out and breathe and play with his Ipod for a while to calm down. 

Once he was calm we decided to go home and on the way out, I realized that he might have been so upset because he'd barely had any food or water all day. But once we finally got home, I just started arguing with my parents. We went to my bedroom and I cried a lot and talked about how I felt hurt. All the stress building up with everyone just left me hurting. He gave me hugs and helped me be calm. I was completely exhausted so we ordered pizza and he went home after a few hours. We agreed that I would be more comfortable if I had a few days to myself where I didn't have to worry about him.

Today: I am having a hard time knowing what to make of all this. It was such a big, absurd amount of stress packed into 2 days. Even though people apologized for their actions it's hard for me to stop feeling hurt and wronged immediately. I still feel exhausted. After getting all this out and trying to think about it reasonably and calmly I think I want to start seeing a counselor. I haven't seen anyone since I finished CBT in April 2012. I can't tell if all that stress this weekend was coincidental or if it was building up from my own life and feelings.


----------



## MHealthJo (Feb 26, 2013)

I think seeing someone would be really helpful for you Eva. Good decision.


----------



## eva (Feb 26, 2013)

My boyfriend came by today and we did one of the couples' activities I found through this forum, where we wrote down important things to us in the relationship and came up with a mutually agreed-upon model for an ideal relationship. It helped me gain clarity and feel less hurt. We both highly value our independence so he said that he would "go away" for a few days and let me relax and have space. However much or little time I want. I think the level of respect and support he has shown me outweighs the hurt, so I think leaving him is off the table for now, but since this isn't the first time he's seriously breached my trust, we agreed that things would end if a betrayal of trust that serious happened again. We also agreed that he will avoid drinking for 3 months.

I just don't want him to keep going to that very scary and upsetting place whenever I have a hard time because of my anxiety. If the people around me continue to panic and raise alarms about my actions, it will be harder for me to get out of the mental place where I resort to hurting.

I think I need counseling and support that will help me be proactive in my daily life. It's not that my condition keeps me from being able to experience everyday life, but it does make my general productivity harder.


----------



## W00BY (Feb 26, 2013)

I would suggest couple counselling

It can be just you that attends at first if you want to gain clarity, it is not unknown for one person from a couple to attend couple counselling on their own.

There are many things at play here your anxiety and inner thinking that is being vented at possibly a difficult moment for both you and your partner, there are also boundary issues for you both that need to be clarified and possibly socializing issues for you both and your ideas on what socializing should be.

I think for you to be clear on what you need from the relationship you need to gain that clarity hence my suggestion of first attending on your own and then if he is willing, you partner attending with you.

On the plus side you seem to both have a good communicative line in that you try and avoid escalation of situations, but it is the baggage you are being left with that will be around much longer than the issues that lead to you feeling like this.


----------



## eva (Feb 26, 2013)

The idea of couples counseling is one that I approach very carefully because I would like it to be a way that we can improve, rather than as a form of punishment. Even the sliding scale and affordable options for mental health care and counselling in my area look to be more than what I can shoulder, so I have to look at my options and plan carefully.

I also want to go into counselling knowing what my baggage would be exactly so I can work from there. And I also think that I need to realistically address any issues that I am to blame for so that the problem-solving is not one-sided and not every problem brought up being his fault.


----------



## W00BY (Feb 26, 2013)

Couple counselling is really not about blame in any manner or form.

It seeks to redress what essentially couples fall into the trap of regularly in when relationships are strained... which is to blame

It gives you both the chance to understand each others perspective and also what you both bring to the relationship... most times it is just miscommunication and misunderstanding rather than blame and fault.

When two people are involved it is rarely all one person who is to "blame" as I am constantly telling my teenage twins.

It is really helpful in gaining insight into the relationship and also you both looking at it from the outside too.

Some relationships are like cars and just need a tune-up now and then, more importantly the anxiety you are feeling and some of the thought patterns you are having as a result of your relationship do not just affect you and the same with your partner and that is why it is a good idea.

many relationships end up with (as I tend to think of them) conversational "black-holes" because each is scared of upsetting the other if they express their true feelings and from there it snowballs into whole areas of a relationship neither will touch with a barge pole or talk to each other about and that is exactly what couple counselling is great for (amongst many other things).


----------



## eva (Feb 27, 2013)

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around everything...

I think we are normally transparent about communication but what really upsets me is when he gets aggravated, it'll obviously show in his tone and body language (short and monosyllabic sentences, harsh tones, aggressive body language like stomping or handling objects like his phone/backpack/etc. roughly) but when I ask him what is wrong, he'll say nothing is until he can't stand it anymore and loses his temper. He also says that there's a difference between being mad and being frustrated but I don't get that at all. It honestly just seems like he's saying that to control his temper artificially by dealing with the symptoms but not the causes. 

There have been past incidents where he's done things that have hurt my feelings and breached my trust but they also happened because he was manipulated and negatively influenced by others. I think that I have the right to be unhappy about times he's hurt me or done things that I wouldn't do to him, but I also don't think it would be right to continue holding those things against him if he's presently and legitimately trying to make things right. I want to accept what my feelings are without dwelling, if that's possible.

I don't think blame is the right word but... there really have been incidents where he's caused hurt and I haven't done things like that to him. Off the top of my head, I think maybe the difference is that he makes plain to see, noticeable fumbles that we can pick up on more easily, whereas I instead might have general personality and outlook issues that are "smaller" but more continuous or ongoing so its harder for either of us to pinpoint issues I cause. 

At one point he started saying I'd be "better off" without him and might be able to "find" someone who would do a better job of supporting me than he does, but I told him that I did not appreciate that thinking because it's what I call 'guilt-dumping'; rather than thinking about what would be best for our relationship, he was contemplating fleeing it to reduce his own guilt. I can decide for myself what, and whom, is best for me, and if he is going to make suggestions otherwise I would rather he make them when feeling calm rather than when feeling guilty. We talked about it again when we were both calm on Monday evening and decided that we're still happy together. We take our commitment to each other seriously but like I mentioned he is giving me however many days I feel as though I need to be independent and calm down and deal with my emotions.

My feelings are confusing me a lot. I'm an intense feeler and I've got a lot of different emotions right now. He made some mistakes that really hurt and upset me but I also feel fear from how badly he took it when I told him about my panic and my (stupid and pointless) SI attempt. He was blaming himself for it and looked, sounded and acted VERY much like he was having a serious panic attack. I told him today on skype that I need him to understand that my choices are my own even if I make them because of my mental condition and he shouldn't internalize what he can't control. 

I just don't know what I can even afford right now for counseling. :S I need to do more research on whom and what is available for care in my area, and also see what would be covered under family plans. I don't even know how well we would respond to that sort of therapy, unless we maybe went in with goals we've agreed on and questions. But that might be one-sided too because it's easier for me to be self-aware and accept my thoughts/feelings and put them into words.


----------



## rdw (Feb 27, 2013)

Counseling services should be available to you through your college or university. It is unlikely that it would be couples counseling but it might be a first step to begin with for you.


----------

