# Why do people self harm?



## Heather (Oct 21, 2005)

I am trying to understand why I self harm, I mean other than because of a traumatic past, I really want to understand it.

A friend pointed the following out to me, which I thought was useful and I would share:

*Self-harm: the facts*

_*Fact*_
People self-harm in different ways.  Some cut their arms or legs, others bang or bruise their bodies.  Self-harm also includes burning, scratching, hair-pulling, scrubbing, or anything that causes injury to the body.  Some people take tablets, perhaps not a big overdose, but enough to blot things out for a while.  Some people hurt themselves just once or twice.  Other people use self-harm to cope over a long time.  They might hurt themselves quite often during a bad patch.

_*Fact*_
Self-harm isn't necessarily about suicide.  Sometimes people harm themselves because they want to die.  But often it's more about staying alive.  People may hurt themselves to help them get through a bad time.  It's a way to cope.

_*Fact*_
It's not just attention-seeking.  People self-harm because they are in pain and trying to cope.  They could also be trying to show that something is wrong.  They need to be taken seriously.

_*Fact*_
It doesn;t mean you're off your head.  All sorts of people self-harm.  Even people in high-powered jobs.  It's a sign that something is bothering and upsetting you, not that you are mad.  You may not have met anyone else who self-harms and may even think you are the only one who does it.  There's a lot of secrecy about self-harm.  But many thousands of people cope in this way for a while.

*Fact*
Other things can be self-harming too.  Things like starving, overeating, drinking too much, risk-taking, smoking and many others are also types of self-harm.  Some coping methods (like burying yourself in work) may be more acceptable, but can still be harmful.

_*Fact*_
People do stop self-harming.  Many people stop self-harming - when they're ready.  They sort their problems out and find other ways of dealing with their feelings.  It might take a long time and they might need help.  But things can get better.

*Fact*
You can get help.  If you are worried about self-harm you can get help.  

Self-harm is often a way of coping with painful experiences.  These might include being abused or neglected, losing someone important to you, being bullied, harassed or assaulted, or being very lonely and isolated.  It helps to tell someone supportive about painful things that have happened to you and the ways these have made you feel.  

http://freespace.virgin.net/basement.project/Fact Sheet - self-harm.htm

Hope this is ok to put here, I found it helpful and thought others might as well.

Heather...


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 21, 2005)

For me, it is mostly about punishing myself. It's really hard to think there could be a day where I don't deserve punishment. Sometimes it's about relieving anxiety.


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## Heather (Oct 21, 2005)

Thanks for sharing, 

I mostly do it because I am unable to appropriately express my emotions.

Heather...


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 21, 2005)

Yeah, I understand that as well. I've pretty much given up on expressing emotions. I don't even know what I feel anymore.


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## Eunoia (Oct 21, 2005)

those facts are really good Heather... I think si is something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to the outside but if you're in the moment it makes more than enough sense... I have so many emptions building inside of me, so much pressure and tension, and I am often really upset or very angry that I don't have another relief... and things seem so fine from the outside, so hurting myself in a way makes things more bearable for me... but then that doesn't explain why I si when I am sad or even can't think of one particular stressor.... I don't know if people ever really only si for one reason. what I'm wondering though, is assuming people stop si'ing- can they do so by themselves? I find myself stopping si'ing only to go back to it weeks later, mths later year after year..


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## redstar (Oct 21, 2005)

Hi, I'm new to the forum, hope that we shall all help each other with our experiences and different insights.  
With si, for me, the impulse is to have some sort of control, because I feel very detached from my emotions and dreamlike frequently.  Its a way to balance, to give a depth and complexity to my emotional state which it lacks and seem would be more 'real'.  I don't know if that makes sense to many.  With most of the time feeling cut off from emotion and dreamlike having the pain of self-injury reminds me that there is definitely something wrong, convincing myself that i am worthy of treatment.  In childhood, the physical injuries were always cared for but the emotional often neglected,  not believing pain is there if you can't see it. There's also the consideration of associating pain with love.  If someone is abused but also constantly told how much they are also loved then injuring myself is also thus a form of loving and treating a wound surely.  
find that writing how i feel each day... drawing, painting images of the way things feel helps when words fail..
..slightly stream of consciousness... be interested if people relate to any of these notions...


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 21, 2005)

> what I'm wondering though, is assuming people stop si'ing- can they do so by themselves? I find myself stopping si'ing only to go back to it weeks later, mths later year after year..



Well, I think one can stop alone, but I think that the risk of taking it back up again would be much greater than stopping with the help of a therapist. 

I did stop on my own for about 9.5 years and went back to it a few years ago. Maybe it's something that always lurks, but you can learn healthy ways to cope with someone's help. I'm not sure really. 

I'm 36 and I started when I was pretty young, at least 26 years ago. I am at a point where it just seems too ingrained or hopeless or something. But I'm not really sure. It's hard to let go of something like this. 

I think it's interesting that it can mean so many different things.


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## Banned (Oct 21, 2005)

I also do it as a way to punish myself.  i also do it when I am overwhelmed with negative feelings and don't know how else to express them.  Sometimes I do it if someone makes me angry at them, as a way to show them they hurt me, although I don't actually "show them" and they don't even know I cut. 

I'm learning in therapy how to deal with all this.  It will probably be a long time before I have to fight the urge, but so far even though it's a bitter battle every time, I'm doing ok.  I haven't cut since August 31st and although I'm tempted, my goal is to make it to Christmas.


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## Meg (Oct 21, 2005)

I think for me it was a combination of punishment and also just being so overwhelmed by anxiety that I couldn't cope.  I needed to release the tension somehow, and si was where I ended up.      

Well done BG on being si free since August, that's great  Good luck with your goal to make it to Christmas!


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## AMT (Oct 21, 2005)

for me it is more or less a mixture of the above... i feel like i deserved it and needed to punish myself, to cope with my suppressed emotions and to release them


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## Heather (Oct 21, 2005)

Thanks all for sharing, by reading the replies I have been able to really think. I am really sorry that you all self harm/injure, but I am slowly coming to realise that really it isn't as bad as what it seems. I mean when I self harm I have 'helped' myself at least for the short term, and I haven't harmed anyone else and most of the time it isn't suicidal for me, it is as the facts state about living! 

I believe that one can stop but I think for most people it is always lurking! I have been doing it since I was very young (I was out on anti-depressants when I was 7 years old because I was doing it) so I do not have a lot of hope in stopping, however having said that I am doing it less and less. 

I also think that a goal to Christmas is great and a wonderful way of trying to manage it, best wishes with that!

Thankyou again Heather...


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## jen83 (Oct 21, 2005)

Hi,
I think its great how this foreum discusses the topic and to know Im not along.
I started cutting when I was 13.  When I was 15 I got pregnant and my cutting stopped and later began to yell at people to relieve myself.  7 years later I substitue my yelling for cutting again. It seems that when my b/f and I argue or when I feel threatened or hurt in anyway I want to hurt myself.  I dont understand it.  I did stop cutting for the time being but have began overeating which has affected my wasit line which makes me feel like crap which will likely lead me to cutting again in the near future. I wish I knew why I do this.  I know its not healthy and I would like to use more positive coping mechanisms but I wont allow myself.  I know I should substitute my self destruction/ harm with more positive ways such as exercise b/c I will feel better in the end; but I have convinced myself Im not worth it.


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 25, 2005)

Sometimes I think it is all I have that is mine. Sometimes I think it is crying when I can't crying or stopping myelf from crying when I've cried too much.

I know it is not a friend. It's a hard thing to fight.


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## Heather (Oct 25, 2005)

Hi Jen and Janetr, 

It is a tough one. I just admitted to my counsellor that I self harmed today. I did it a couple of days ago and have been hiding it quite well, I feel guilty about doing it, but she said we are all human and that it was just a hic up.

Wish I could give you some advice or help you but I dunno what to say or how to.

Heather...


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 25, 2005)

Thanks, Heather. 

I guess we all just have to try to do the best we can and keep going. One day at a time, or one hour at a time.


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## Heather (Oct 26, 2005)

Yupp that is it isn't it!

And when I self harm I am trying to be kinder to myself about it and tell myself as the counsellor said it is a hic up it does not mean I am regressing back to my old self!

Heather...


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 6, 2005)

When I can't get the words out of my head, that I'm stupid, that I'm disgusting, ugly, worthless, especially worthless and trash, then I want or need to punish myself for being those things. Like in the middle of the night when things seem so hopeless sometimes. Sadly there doesn't seem to be any incentive to stop. There's just so much pain and sadness and I think I'm losing more than I can say. Too much pain.


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## Eunoia (Nov 6, 2005)

I really really wish that there'd be a way to get everyone through their pain, their moments of feeling so lonely, so dead, and hopeless inside... I can only suggest trying some other coping mechanism, even if you can try to do something else instead of the si for 1/2 of the time it's a success... even for once. I know you're all hurting, I hear ya! In regards to an incentive to stop, I think as long as a coping mechanims works even a little bit it's difficult to find a reason to stop or motivation to do so. but if you think about it, the way that si makes you feel abour yoursef should in itself be an incentive to stop... one day at a time I guess, and as little hope as there seems there is hope... for everyone. I used to si a lot and then stopped (more or less felt like I was forced to, circumstances..) and I don't si as much anymore but I still do when I am doing really bad or just feel really lost, stressed, hurt....empty... but my point is somehow, eventually, there must be a point when si no longer "works"....hopefully?


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 6, 2005)

I guess I'm at a point of telling myself it doesn't matter. It only hurts me and that doesn't matter. I don't know.


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## Eunoia (Nov 6, 2005)

well you're right in that when you si it doesn't "really" hurt anyone else, b/c it's your body, but I think it does hurt the people that love you who see you go through so much pain... I don't know how many people in your life know, but it hurts me seeing you hurt hun! I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, by no means, I just mean that sometimes as much as we think we're only hurting ourselves our actions do have consequences beyond that.... or if say, no one does know, I find that if I'm irritated b/c of my si or ed etc. I let it out on other people, so in a way I am affecting them too... and they may have no idea why! 

it matters b/c you _are_ hurting yourself and you _are_ worth so much more than you can see. It matters hun, b/c you're not happy w/ who you are and your life and so si makes things better in the st or even just adds to the list of all the things that are going wrong.... but hurting yourself is what it comes down to. I think that these things can overtake you, like it's soooo difficult to see past my ed in terms of who I really am and I think a lot of that is the same for you, but the fact is, there _are_ other things that make you who you are and you _are_ more than si or an ed or anything else for that matter. you're a person who deserves to be happy no matter how much you might hate yourself. life is so painful, but so beautiful (as you said yourself), so it only makes sense that w/ all that sadness there should be some happiness.....


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 21, 2005)

This is such a frustrating problem. I don't want to do it, but I don't know what else to do with all the pain. And the lists of things to do instead just overwhelm me. But I do fight it as best I can. There's pain and pain and pain and inferiority and being invisible and being too visible and I can't figure out where I fit in the world. And I think nowhere. I wish I was not in this place emotionally. I wish I could breathe without hurting. I know it will pass. It's just hard to get to that point.


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## Eunoia (Nov 21, 2005)

> Great things are not won except by great risks
> _Herodotus, 480 B.C._



I know all of this seems like it's "too much", and just so overwhelming... and it is. But one thing I have figured out is that nothing is going to change or actually 'get better' if I'm not willing to take that leap of faith and be vulnerable and work at these things if I want to gain control over them. It's a long road hun.... but there is an end to it and you can get there. 



> I don't know what else to do with all the pain


 This is where learning other coping mechanisms comes in.. I know that some of them are only distractors, ie. things you can do to let the anger out or the pain... instead of taking the pain on yourself and making yourself hurt even more try taking that pain and putting it onto something else... anything would be better than your own body really hun. objects don't feel, we do, as much as we like it or hate it. what about writing about your feelings? sort of like transferring the pain into written words.... 

I don't know exactly what you mean w/ 'lists' but if you mean like things you have to do each day, try breaking them down into smaller pieces, ie, what step do you have to take to get to step B, and then from step B to step C and so on. I totally get overwhelmed w/ things I have to do but sometimes all those things really are not possible or realistic, at least in the time frame we give ourselves.. start w/ one thing instead of looking at the big picture, b/c that's so overwhelming!! I know this is all easier said than done but just some suggestions, sometimes being reminded of them helps....


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 21, 2005)

> I don't know exactly what you mean w/ 'lists'


Eunoia, I think Janet was referring to the suggestions on what to do when you have the urge to SI -- e.g., use a rubber band, ice cubes, red pens, etc.


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## Eunoia (Nov 21, 2005)

makes more sense now. thanks. ) 

ok, then re: the list.... Janet, do you find it overwhelming b/c there's so many choices? or b/c they can be really triggering too??? or just going through the actual process of trying to distract yourself?? do any of the suggestions help you??? I find that some things work sometimes and then other times they don't... but I guess sometimes is better than never.


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 22, 2005)

Yes, the lists of distractions. I'm not sure exactly. I think it's that there are so many. So far the only thing that really works is to tell myself that I'll do it later and put it off and keep putting it off until the feelings associated with it are gone. Or sleep. Probably not a good way to deal with it at all. 

Thanks for writing back to me.  Sorry I wasn't more clear. LOL. I think I'm not very coherent when I'm upset. Or ever for that matter. Maybe if I could be around people I wouldn't think about it so much. I don't know. My mind is all jumbled and messed up.


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## Eunoia (Nov 22, 2005)

not all of the things on the list are going to work for everyone... it's the same w/ therapy, not one approach is the best approach for everyone, right? "putting it off" can work, it works for me too from time to time, I find that when you don't let yourself do it and then eventually "remember" that you wanted to si or felt like you needed to it sometimes almost seems pointless.. b/c those feelings of needing to do it right there and then that seem so overwhelming have faded away, yes you still feel as bad about things probably but not as intensely that you want to si. sleeping I guess is a way of putting it off too..and just "escaping" from things temporarily... 

you do make sense. that was my bad. re: being around people more, I guess that works b/c it's not only a distraction but also kind of impossible to si when people are around.... I know that it's difficult to be around a lot of people from where you live but remember the idea I gave you w/ making certain days set days to meet certain people? I don't know if you remember...but that's one way of assuring  for at least those days or times there'd be someone and you could get your mind off things... and for the other times do what works for you to get past those initial feelings.... if people would help you b/c you'd be distracted then maybe distracting yourself w/ other things (like you are already doing) is a good way to go.... hang in there.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 2, 2006)

I was thinking about this again. I think it's all the things I said and more. It's screaming and not screaming. It's crying and not crying. It's being angry and not being angry. It's all the words I cannot say and all the pain I cannot feel and all the pain I do feel. It's horrible and terrible and relief all at the same time. I hate it and I want to stop sometimes. And sometimes I think it is all that I am. It's stopping myself from shaking and it's terrifying. 

I want to WANT to stop. I hope I can learn to deal with all these emotions in some other healthy way. This is not healthy. I think it's robbed me of so much. And I am so sad about this.


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## Meg (Jun 2, 2006)

Dear Janet, :hello:

Self injury is such a hard thing to have to deal with. It helps when nothing else seems to. I am sorry to hear that you're hurting and feeling sad. You described the kinds of feelings that I used to feel before si... an overwhelming emotion... it's like you feel it all surging up inside but somehow it seems trapped and all you want to do is let it out because it seems crippling and too unbearable to simply ignore. It makes sense that you would turn to something that you know works, even if it hurts: if there was no benefit people wouldn't do it more than once. I think that's a pretty big part of why it's so hard to stop and why it's hard to _want_ to stop, like you said. That said, it's good that you want to want to stop si and deal with your emotions in a healthier way! It's a great start. You have to take the step from not caring at all if you're going to get anywhere, so well done for that!

I know it's been a little while since the other posts in this thread, but I was thinking about what you said about there being too many things on the list to choose from when you feel like si. Could you perhaps choose one that you think is most appropriate to how you tend to feel and develop it into a plan for yourself? So, if your idea was, for example, to take a bath and play some calm music in the background, plan what exactly what you would do so it's easier for yourself when you're feeling emotional. Choose what music you would have and figure out whether you would have to move a CD player, would you have bubbles etc. I remember that any tiny little decision would just confuse me and make it all seem worse, so planning ahead was really helpful.  

I don't know if any of this is useful at all! Whether or not it is, I just thought I'd let you know that I cared. I hope that things will get better really soon, Janet.

Meg x


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 2, 2006)

Thanks, Meg 

I do want to stop. I wish I hadn't started.



> Could you perhaps choose one that you think is most appropriate to how you tend to feel and develop it into a plan for yourself? So, if your idea was, for example, to take a bath and play some calm music in the background, plan what exactly what you would do so it's easier for yourself when you're feeling emotional. Choose what music you would have and figure out whether you would have to move a CD player, would you have bubbles etc. I remember that any tiny little decision would just confuse me and make it all seem worse, so planning ahead was really helpful.



That is really good advice. I think I get confused and overwhelmed too easily and I have a hard time making choices, especially in those awful moments when the urge is so great. I want so much to have something else that I automatically think of doing when I feel so badly. Or even thinking that it is something that I HAVE to do to survive. 

Thanks.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 2, 2006)

Janet said:
			
		

> It's screaming and not screaming. It's crying and not crying. It's being angry and not being angry. It's all the words I cannot say and all the pain I cannot feel and all the pain I do feel. It's horrible and terrible and relief all at the same time. I hate it and I want to stop sometimes. And sometimes I think it is all that I am. It's stopping myself from shaking and it's terrifying.



I don't think I have ever read or heard a better or more vivid description about what self-injury is all about.

Excellent post, Janet.


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## ThatLady (Jun 2, 2006)

David Baxter  said:
			
		

> Janet said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You know, that particular quote spoke to me, as well, and I'm not a self-injurer; nor, have I ever been. Yet, I've felt those very feelings. I think it would resonate in a lot of people who suffer from depression, or PTSD, or OCD, or any number of other ailments that render us helpless to control our surroundings, or even our own inner turmoil.

That's a very profound statement, Janet. Thanks for saying what so many of us feel, or have felt, and saying it so well.


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## Holly (Jun 2, 2006)

It is one of the best posts I have read about self injury Janet, thank you for sharing your personal experience, wishes too change! Take care


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## foghlaim (Jun 3, 2006)

thank you Janet.. you put into words what i couldn't. it's everything u say it is and i fight the urge everyday and it's so bloody hard not to do it. so that in turn causes frustration, it's a vicious circle.

take care, ok

nsa.


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## Halo (Jun 3, 2006)

Janet,

I also want to say that your post was a great way to describe the thoughts and feelings about si. It definitely sums up exactly the way I feel most days. I think that we really have a lot in common. I just read this thread for the first time today and I really felt like you could have been talking about me when you were describing the thoughts that you have about yourself. I have been there all too often.

Thanks again Janet for articulating (I think that is the word that I am looking for) what I think and feel inside most days.


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## foghlaim (Jun 15, 2006)

never thought i'd be typing this out here.. i've alluded to self harming in other posts. as Janet describes above the thought and feelings and my reply was "see above", anyway other night i did si, i was so down in myself, fighting the urge just was too much and i gave in to it. it did relieve the tension and frustrationi was feeling, but only for a while, now i have to hide it and make sure none of my family find out about it, which in turn leads to guilt. i can't win... one way or another i'm a loser.

nsa


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 15, 2006)

No, nsa, you're not a loser. Not at all. Not even close. We've all watched you (from afar at least) progress over the weeks and months. That's not losing. That's winning.

All that last night means is that you had a bad moment on a tough day and reverted to a familiar but ineffective coping strategy. Tomorrow is another start. This isn't a "back to square one" thing - just a minor blip in your progress forward.


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## ThatLady (Jun 15, 2006)

You're anything but a loser, nsa! You're a fighter, and you're a winner. Nobody wins every bout, and nobody gets where they're going without tripping over something at least once. You just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and remember we're right here fighting with you. You're gonna win this one, nsa. I know you are because you mean so very much to all of us.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 15, 2006)

Sorry, nsa. 

I agree with ThatLady and Dr. Baxter though. Try to look at it as a blip on the road to recovery. 

I can relate too. I've been struggling and giving in a lot lately. I'm so tired of all of this pain inside. But it doesn't make anything better. So I tell myself that it's punishment I deserve, but I'm not really sure about that either. 

Try to be easier on yourself.


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## Peanut (Jun 15, 2006)

Notsureanymore, Dr. Baxter is right, we've all seen you make a lot of progress. Don't get too down on yourself about the little slip ups... it's the big picture that matters and the big picture is that you are working hard to get better and it is and will continue to pay off. I think you're doing a really good job and we are all really proud of you!


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## foghlaim (Jun 16, 2006)

thanks everyone, ye are all so kind.. maybe ye can see progress (from afar) but sometimes i feel like i'm getting nowhere. and it's when i feel like this and the thoguhts are flying around inside my head that i find the hardest to deal with. like Janet, pain is the worst, i keep burying it, saying i'll deal with that when i see the doc, but it' doesn't seem to work anymore. it's here and i can't do anything about it.. except distract myself or si to relieve it.

thanks again for yere msgs, appreciate them. 
maybe i should come on here next time the urge is too strong and read this thread again. 

Janet: sorry you feel the way you do, you start therapy soon as well , and i don't think you need to punish yuorself, the pain you feel is enough.
let us know how therapy goes for you.

thanks again.
nsa


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## Halo (Jun 16, 2006)

NSA, I was really sad when I saw you call yourself a loser because that is definitely not what I would call you. In my eyes you are a strong, courageous, beautiful, caring person. I think that you have made a lot of progress lately and I don't think one slip in the evening takes anyway any of the great strides that you have made.

I think ThatLady is right that none of get to where we want to be without a stumble here and there.

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim (Jun 18, 2006)

thanks Nancy: 
your response and the responses of the others are finally begining to sink in, as in it's a slip up? anyway as for the other descriptions well i don't see myself the way ye do.. but i thank ye all the same. 


nsa


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## just mary (Jun 18, 2006)

Hi Janet,

I just wanted to add that your description of self-injury was enlightening and so well put. I don't SI but it helped me understand some of what you're going through in that I could apply it to my own life and how I feel some days, I just react a little different. Just dealing with all these emotions and feelings, not knowing where to put them. And you described it so poignantly Janet. Thank-you.

And NSA, I agree with everyone else, it was a slip-up, a bump in the road, you're alright - you're vehicle hasn't been seriously damaged - it's still running - atcually, it's going quite strong. And you're _*not*_ a loser.  

Take care,


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## Eye Stigmata (Sep 11, 2008)

I think I do it mostly out of anger.
Up until recently I hadn't cut in about a year, I found other ways to deal with my frustration - anger  - guilt - whatever.

When I did it before it was mostly because I did not know how to deal with everything around me - I had way too much going on and I was depressed all the time, so I would go home and cut my arms raw, day after day after day.

Therapy did help though, and I had been doing fine until the other day.
I think in extreme circumstances I may always turn to that, sort of a last resort, when everything real is too much.  "Hurt myself today - so i can STILL feel tomorrow"....ya know...


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## Mari (Sep 11, 2008)

> Therapy did help though,



If therapy did help then I hope you will continue. I hope you will also be kind to yourself. :support: Mari


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