# Can't seem to stop



## Cat Dancer (Jan 27, 2007)

In tears and wish I could just cry this out and cry and cry all the pain out. It doesn't work. Nothing works to get the pain out. Nothing works to punish me enough to make things ok. But this works and I hate that it does and I hate me for doing this. And I hate that I do it and I hate and hate and hate ME.

I can't go on, but I can't give up either.

Are there any hotlines numbers not for suicide, but for a crisis like this?


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## sister-ray (Jan 27, 2007)

im sorry to hear you are feeling like this:hug: :hug: Im not to sure what country you are in, Im assumming USA I found this, dont know if its any good

Self-Injury Hotline
SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program 

1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288) 

www.selfinjury.com
 they also have a website


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## Daniel (Jan 27, 2007)

Their website also lists referrals:

http://www.selfinjury.com/referrals.htm

For those fortunate enough to live in Pennsylvania, there is a state-wide hotline for SI and other issues.  (The number is provided at the above link.)


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 27, 2007)

Ok, I found a number for my state. Thank you.

What does one say though when you call a hotline? It's scary to think about it. I'm not good at talking.


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## sister-ray (Jan 27, 2007)

I wouldnt worry about what to say, just say whatever you feel, Im sure the person on the other  end will know what to say to you,:hug: :hug:


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## Halo (Jan 27, 2007)

Janet,

As I said in my pm, just say hello and in my experience, being that they are trained, they will know what to say to you and how to get you talking.

:hug: :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 27, 2007)

Well, I called and got a recording that said to call 911 if it was an emergency, that all the volunteers were busy, but to call back later. But I was thinking as bad as I feel maybe this is a step forward in that I really, really want to reach out to someone and get some help while these horrible feelings and memories and thoughts are happening. It didn't work today, but maybe I can be brave enough to try it again.

I don't know. Maybe it's a sign to give up. I'm not sure really. It's such a hard battle.


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## Into The Light (Jan 27, 2007)

it's not a sign to give up. all it means is that they are helping lots of other people who are in the same boat as you. you aren't alone in what you are suffering. you can try calling again any time janet. well done for trying. i am proud of you for reaching out. i know you are going to get there. :hug:


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## Halo (Jan 27, 2007)

Janet, I am really proud of you for making that call and I truly don't think that it is a sign to give up.  I do think like Ladybug in that they are probably helping a lot of other people that are in the same situation as you. 

Again Janet, you are very brave for making the call and I have confidence that you can do it again.

Take care
:hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 27, 2007)

Maybe that is part of what I need to learn, how to ask for help in real life. It's easier here, but in real life it seems impossible.


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## Into The Light (Jan 27, 2007)

but you have been asking for it in real life janet. you started therapy, and that is asking for help


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 27, 2007)

I guess that's true. For some reason I have not thought of it that way. I am weird.


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## Halo (Jan 27, 2007)

Janet you are not weird and you have been asking for help both in here and in real life which is a huge step forward .  Starting therapy, going to your doctor, starting meds etc. is all ways of asking for help and those are things that you should be proud of.  

Asking for help doesn't necessarily need to be those exact words of "I need help", it can be conveyed in so many other ways.

Take care
:hug:


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## foghlaim (Jan 27, 2007)

> Starting therapy, going to your doctor, starting meds etc. is all ways of asking for help


 and ways in which you have been helping yourself as well.   And it shows! 

Well done and as Nancy says,, you should be proud of yourself cause we sure are.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 27, 2007)

Thanks. 

Today was just such a hard day, but I feel better now. I got through it, not so great, but I did. I survived. Still in one piece.

Anxiety stinks.


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## foghlaim (Jan 27, 2007)

> Anxiety stinks.


  you can say that again!! 


  i'm glad you feel better.


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## Banned (Jan 27, 2007)

Hi Janet,

I'm glad you are feeling better.  I agree that anxiety stinks; it really does!  Be proud of yourself that you recognized you needed to reach out for help and you did.  That is an awesome and often difficult step to take.  Way to go!  :hug:


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## sister-ray (Jan 28, 2007)

Aniexty does stink, I agree with that 100%

 Im glad your feeling better, and im glad to hear that you did ring the hotline, it takes a lot to do that and Im proud of you, I have every confidence in you  to ring again:hug: :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 28, 2007)

Thanks. 

Today I feel better, drained, but yesterday I thought everything I was thinking and doing was so rational. It felt so right, but looking back it was extreme anxiety and panic for some reason. And I was all alone so I think that triggered fear and panic. But I was thinking some pretty strange things.   It makes me wonder if there isn't something really horrible wrong with me.


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## Halo (Jan 28, 2007)

Janet, there is definitely nothing horribly wrong with you. You were having a bad day with high anxiety and lots of panic and when that happens thinking things that are strange or out of the ordinary can happen.  It is not a sign of something horribly wrong with you, I think that it is a sign of getting better that you can recognize the anxiety and panic that you had yesterday and how your thoughts may have been strange but you didn't act on your thoughts and you did reach out for help by calling the hotline.  That is growth, in my opinion  

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 28, 2007)

Thanks, Nancy. It's so hard isn't it? I don't know why, but the anxiety is so much worse these days. I don't know if the medication is working and I am ashamed to ask the doctor about it because I don't want to let him down. 

I just have to keep trying somehow. 

:hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 1, 2007)

I was thinking, hurting myself is the easy way to deal with the pain and anxiety. Sitting with it is so hard instead of hurting myself. Or facing the belief that "something bad is going to happen" if I don't hurt myself enough. This is so hard. I am not sure if I have to stop all at once or gradually or what. I know I can't keep it if I want to be healthy emotionally and physically. I can't have it. Not anymore.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 26, 2007)

I think it's punishing myself sometimes for not being able to do things perfectly, being told I'm dumb. I can't remember things, where everything is and that is a big deal. 

I don't cry at home, so it's crying too and screaming maybe. I just need to punish myself to make things ok, to everyone will be ok. I'm tired and want to stop, but the thoughts are strong, so strong. But I'm not giving up.


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## SoSo (Feb 28, 2007)

Janet, I agree with what the others said, very proud of you, you made the call.  I lived with SI for years, it is very hard that first call or step.  I have 5 years SI free and I won't say it wasn't a struggle or hard, had to learn other ways to deal with the emotions, the pain.  I hope you will keep calling, keep reaching out, never give up.


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## Halo (Feb 28, 2007)

Feisty4me said:


> I have 5 years SI free



That is quite an accomplishment Feisty and congrats although like you said, I know it couldn't have been easy.  

You definitely give a lot of us hope and thank you for that


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 2, 2007)

I'm just not ok tonight. I am struggling. I am tired of this battle day after day. And I'll never be able to forget it because of the horrible scars. It's ugly. I am ugly. 

I am not giving up though, never, ever giving up. Never.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 3, 2007)

Ok, I keep slipping up, then I feel so frustrated with myself, like it doesn't matter, but I KNOW it does matter. 

Tonight was just a bad night. I took sleeping medication, pain medication and I'm still awake. 

I keep thinking about the people who are gone out of my life. I miss them so much. It hurts so much.


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## Daniel (Mar 3, 2007)

Reading a self-help book is one way I try to deal with the buildup of negative thoughts.  (For the last month or so, I have been listening to self-help audio books or podcasts almost every day.)


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## Into The Light (Mar 3, 2007)

i can't take your hurt away but am sending you lots and lots of hugs. to lose those we love is so very hard. :hug::hug::hug:


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## Halo (Mar 3, 2007)

Janet,

I too can not take your hurt and pain away but I can definite relate.  I want to send you lots and lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hang on Janet, just a couple more days :hug:
Take care


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## SoSo (Mar 3, 2007)

Janet,
Like the others, can't take your pain away but just hope all the hugs and support will help you.  I can relate to your pain, the scars.  We are not ugly, even with the scars which for years I covered and hid.  We are just beautiful wounded hearts and souls, needing time to heal, inside and out.  We can heal, we can become the bud that blossoms, we just need the warmth of the support and caring of others along with self acceptance.  So proud of you saying you are never giving up.  That gives others courage to try seeing your determination.  Great big granny hugs.


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## Cheyenne (Mar 3, 2007)

I feel your pain, sorry you're having a rough time. Just take care of yourself :hug: 

And the scars may be ugly, but you are not. You are not your scars and your scars do not define you. Just know that.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 13, 2007)

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you.

It has been over a week since my last episode of self injury. I was hospitalized and couldn't really do anything. Well, actually I could have. When you've self-injured off and on for over 30 years you can always find a way. But I didn't.

I don't want to anymore. I came home and threw away all my "stuff." I am breathing and breathing, concentrating on that right now to get through the urge and being here. I so much want to stop it. 

:hug:


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## ThatLady (Mar 13, 2007)

Janet, we're all here for you! I'm so proud that you haven't hurt yourself. I know you could have if you really tried, but you didn't! That means so much to me! :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 13, 2007)

Thank you. I really do believe, well, know this forum is  a HUGE part of my recovery. I do like the word recovery. I am getting myself back, even though I never really had a self, or maybe she was just buried under a lot of hurt and pain and I never knew her and am finding her. I guess that's what I mean. I'm finding myself.


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## ThatLady (Mar 13, 2007)

Absolutely right, Janet! You're finding yourself. You've always been there. You just couldn't see yourself, but we all saw you. We saw your heart, and your courage, and your kindness. We saw you very clearly. :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 13, 2007)

I was thinking I'm not going to be a brain surgeon or find a cure for cancer. I'm not really very smart at all. But I can do little things to brighten people's days. That is going to be my goal in life. Smile, do things that let people know how special they are. I'm already thinking of things I can do for our neighbors, my sister and other people. Sometimes just an email or something can brighten my own day. So I'm just really thinking about ways to touch people's lives in a positive way.


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## ThatLady (Mar 13, 2007)

That's a wonderful goal, Janet! However, don't sell yourself short. You're quite bright, and I really need you to know that. It's obvious to all of us. I think it will be to you, as well. It's just going to take a bit of time.


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## texasgirl (Mar 14, 2007)

Hi Janet:  I am happy that you are back.  I thought about you alot.  I am rooting for you too.  :hug: 

TG


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## Halo (Mar 14, 2007)

Janet, I just wanted to say that I think the picture of you and Abby (your avatar) is absolutely adorable and it brings a smile to my face each time I see it....thank you


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 19, 2007)

Thanks you all. 

I slipped up a little the last couple of days, but I'm telling myself it doesn't mean I'm a failure or that I've lost everything. I'm trying to forgive myself for hurting myself. That sounds weird. 

It's hard. I think it's been my "friend" for so long, I feel kind of sad about giving it up.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 7, 2007)

It's been a few days since I've hurt myself. I can't remember if the last time was Monday or Wednesday. It's such a struggle. Last night I was going to do it. I was literally shaking and crying struggling so hard not to and I didn't do it. I should be proud of myself, but mostly I am upset that I have this struggle to deal with in the first place. 

I'm going to start making some kind of reward system for myself. Every day I don't do it maybe I should get a star and then when I get so many stars I do something nice for myself. I know that sounds so silly but I don't believe I deserve anything nice. Maybe though, if I start acting like I do deserve good things, then eventually I can believe that. 

I want to completely stop so badly. I do. I really do. I know it doesn't seem like it, but at this moment I never want to hurt myself again. I know this won't last and the urges will come back, but I'm writing this down to remind myself that I can get through them without doing it. And then I step back and it all seems so silly that I'm even struggling with this in the first place. That I should out living my life, doing what I wanted to do, being a social worker, helping people. I want to cry that I let go of that dream. 

I want my life to have some kind of meaning. Who could ever take me seriously? I want to help people and be a blessing and a joy to people, not a burden that I am now. 

I am just so hurt about how I have made my life turn out and I am so sorry too.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 7, 2007)

I am feeling better this morning.   I am sorry for rambling on and on last night. It was a really bad night, but I didn't hurt myself so that is something good I guess.


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## Cavi (Apr 7, 2007)

Hi Janet...I am sorry you are struggling right now...I wish I could help you...
RIMH


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## Into The Light (Apr 8, 2007)

i think the reward system is a great idea! i think it will definitely help you feel better over the long run.

you know, you say you gave up your dream and wish you hadn't. it's not too late. you can heal, get well, and pursue that dream again. you can use your experiences of what you've been going through to help others. 

happy easter


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 13, 2007)

I'm trying SO hard with this. I can go whole days without doing anything to myself. It feels really bad and I don't feel proud of myself for that, but I KNOW rationally that it's GOOD to not harm myself. Tonight I'm struggling. I feel so alone with it. I get shaky and trembly when I'm fighting these urges. It's so hard. I'm just writing, typing, rambling, hoping to get past them.


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## Halo (Apr 13, 2007)

> I'm just writing, typing, rambling, hoping to get past them



And if it helps then keep writing, typing, rambling, talk about anything and everything but most importantly do whatever you feel you need to do to get through the rough time....a lot of us can relate and understand that 

Take care and lots of hugs and strength to you :hug: :hug: :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 13, 2007)

Thanks, Nancy. I am determined to get through this night being ok. Even if I have to fold the laundry to do it. :lol: 

It seems addictive to me, not the laundry, but the self injury. I just wonder if it is in a way, psychogically or maybe even physically addictive.


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## Halo (Apr 13, 2007)

My way of thinking about it is that they are no so much addictive as more like automatic or a familiar habit.  They are the ways that we cope in order to comfort ourselves when we have feelings and thoughts that are overwhelming and don't know how to process them within ourselves. 

Like the saying goes..."old habits die hard"  but I believe that old habits do die it's just a matter of time, patience and strength.

Take care Janet
:hug: :hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 13, 2007)

That makes sense. That's what my therapist says and my doctor (  ) used to say. Somehow that makes it easier to deal with a little. For me I guess it's a compulsion that goes along with the OCD. And I triumph over it much more than I fail at it, but I don't look at the triumphs. I focus on the failures. 

The last time I saw my doctor, the nurse saw I was upset and crying and she just held me for a few minutes and it was so comforting. I thought that was so sweet of her to hug me, to comfort me. She struggles with depression too and has shared stuff with me. What a sweet person she is. I don't know why I was thinking about that. I think I could use lots more hugs.


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## Into The Light (Apr 14, 2007)

janet that is wonderful about the nurse. you finally had someone hold you when you really needed it. there are people out there in your life who do care and whom you can talk to. that's so important.

hang in there. i hope you got through the night ok. :hug:


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## ThatLady (Apr 14, 2007)

Most of us could use a lot more hugs, Janet! 

I really like the idea of giving yourself a star for each time you conquer the urge to self-harm, and when you get so many stars, awarding yourself with something that's just for you - a day at the spa, whatever would make you feel good. I think that's a great idea! :hug:


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