# Feeling Suicidal



## Anahita (Oct 15, 2015)

i dont even know why i am writing this here. recently i have been under loads of pressure . my psychoanalyst says it's bcz i am facing my true self and my codependency to mum. that is correct but you know.... i want to give up. i want to die. this is too much for me... cant take it anymore.

since yesterday i just been thinking about killing myself. it feels good. i told my sister and mum but i guess they do not think i mean it really!... i have been so depressed and anxious ..ill actually by depression.... and i have been to different docs for more than 17 years. still, i got stabbed 6 years ago to complete my misery. i have alwys been fighting... but not now.... everyone is sick and tired of me and my depression......i have noone.... i feel i have noone. i feel nobody sees me. yesterday while in my doc's office, talking... he said things that suddenly i felt i am totally lonely..... before that, i had reached the feeling that he actually understand me and that we have a good  relationship as doctor and patient, after 6 years!.... butin that moment, it ended. i told him.... this much loneliness is toooooooooooooooooooooo much. actually i guess all my hope crashed when it happened. i am soooooo hopeless ....this life is not what i want.... indeed, i do not want anything now. i just wanna die.


----------



## MHealthJo (Oct 15, 2015)

We are listening Anahita, so keep talking because we can offer our friendship here. 

Are you sure Anahita that you have lost a relationship with your mental health professional? Maybe he just was not at his best that day, or there was just a misunderstanding..... Hang in there and you may be able to talk it out with him......


----------



## Anahita (Oct 15, 2015)

MHealthJo said:


> We are listening Anahita, so keep talking because we can offer our friendship here.
> 
> Are you sure Anahita that you have lost a relationship with your mental health professional? Maybe he just was not at his best that day, or there was just a misunderstanding..... Hang in there and you may be able to talk it out with him......



i do not know... i mean, he has done some things that hurt me recently but they were minor and he usually managed ot convince me or appologized. but this time it is very different. he did not remember the details of my getting stabbed!!!!!!... it was unbearable for me. how did i trust him? besides, i asked him eve n if ,as u claim, i have not told u about these details in these 6 years!!!, but shouldnt you ask me about the details of such horrobil thing that happened to me?.... he said: my way of treatment is usually like this. not asking patients until they want to say it......... you know, it\s bullshit!

now i am too scared to be alive. before that, i had lost hope in my mum , that she eventually loves and appreciates me.... and sees me!!!!!.... also i have huge problems in social relations and sex... so no hope from that....... and i cant work bcz of my emotional problems...... and now it seems i have lost the last hope, my doctor!.....

i cant understand why i am still alive. i am too scared and angry. and i hate myself a LOT.


----------



## MHealthJo (Oct 15, 2015)

It is such a scary, difficult time for you. I'm so sorry.

Please try to remember though Anahita that illness is not your fault. So please remember to try to send yourself just a tiny bit of love, as you do not deserve hate. Because you do deserve love and you are not alone. 

So many suffer with these difficulties in life and so many do understand. It is so hard if those close to you do not understand. But there are people out there who have suffered similar things and do understand. 

Sometimes it really really seems like everything is hopeless. But it is so important to try to still think about something that could still possibly change..... It's so important to hold on to just a small light of hope...

For example, if you do not feel you have gotten enough benefit from your psychoanalyst, it may be worth trying to see a different type of therapist...   There are different types of therapy and sometimes it is important to remember that that gives hope.... There are avenues that are not explored....  

I am adding a link to a list of helplines as there is one listed for your country Anahita. It could be an important idea to make use of this or other helplines that might be able to advise and support you through this crisis Anahita. Please don't give up...

List of suicide crisis lines - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## Anahita (Oct 15, 2015)

MHealthJo said:


> It is such a scary, difficult time for you. I'm so sorry.
> 
> Please try to remember though Anahita that illness is not your fault. So please remember to try to send yourself just a tiny bit of love, as you do not deserve hate. Because you do deserve love and you are not alone.
> 
> ...



thanks . what i can do right now is to take strong sleeping pills and sleep. i dunno what i will do next.


----------



## forgetmenot (Oct 15, 2015)

i understand you  i do and it hurts when you feel the ones that should care for you  just do not see they don't
I see you and i know it is hard to have hope i do  but things can change  if you make them ok  I mean if this doctor does not seem to fit now  like said you reach out for a new therapist ok.
You do deserve peace and healing  you deserve to be seen and heard and understood  so use the crisis line  i know it is hard but use it ok  i have a couple times and each time i found just talking to a real person  helped  A person that did not judge but truly listened
Keep talking ok  keep reaching out because there will be someone that does understand   hugs


----------



## Anahita (Oct 16, 2015)

forgetmenot said:


> i understand you  i do and it hurts when you feel the ones that should care for you  just do not see they don't
> I see you and i know it is hard to have hope i do  but things can change  if you make them ok  I mean if this doctor does not seem to fit now  like said you reach out for a new therapist ok.
> You do deserve peace and healing  you deserve to be seen and heard and understood  so use the crisis line  i know it is hard but use it ok  i have a couple times and each time i found just talking to a real person  helped  A person that did not judge but truly listened
> Keep talking ok  keep reaching out because there will be someone that does understand   hugs



thank you . i feel a bit better after i went out with a friend of mine who is a very nice girl. she listened and gave me good feeling and i after lot s of crying, i got a bit better, less suicidal. i just came back home. i dunno if it becomes better or worse but i am a bit better now and that's good. thank you so much


----------



## forgetmenot (Oct 16, 2015)

Glad you are feeling better now


----------

