# not okay!



## Sylvia (Jul 21, 2005)

over the past couple weeks I have felt particularly bad. it used to be that my suicidal and thoughts were contained to the nighttime but lately I feel that way day and night. its so hard to be constantly at odds with yourself....I feel like I have no control over my body my mind or my life.  These thoughts enter my mind and I can't get them out I feel so trapped within myself.  It is almost as if I am my own worst enemy.  Usually I would go to my psychologist about this but today when I had a session with her  she wouldn't listen to me!...I tried to tell her about how bad I am feeling  and how I Ithink about killing myself. all that she kept on saying is that my depression has to deal with my physical disability... honestly I'm suffering much more mentally... it's not normal to think about dying all the time.   I feel abandoned by all my support systems & I don't know what to do!

help me please!...

~ Sylvia


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 21, 2005)

I'm sorry, Sylvia, but I can't recall - what is the disability and why do you think your therapist is focusing on that?

What medications are you taking currently?


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## Sylvia (Jul 22, 2005)

I have cerebral palsy and my psychologist is focusing on it because she feels it is the root of my depression.  I do not deny her pursuit and yet I really needed her to give me some survival techniques so that I can deal with myself when I feel that my worst without destroying myself.
I've lived with cerebral palsy for 17 years so to me it is not an immediate problem that needs to be addressed...rather it needs to be addressed that I feel like I'm losing my mind.  She tells not crazy and that's all good and well but I need a way to feel at peace with myself... without it I will not be able to continue fighting my depression... I will only fall.

~ Sylvia


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## ThatLady (Jul 22, 2005)

I think, perhaps, you need to try to stand up for yourself and your feelings a bit more assertively. It's often necessary to remind patients that doctors are human beings. The same thing goes for therapists. They're only human. If you feel that your physical condition is not the focus you need in your therapy at this time, you need to communicate that to your therapist in a positive, determined manner. If she says: "Let's talk about how your cerebral palsy is affecting your feelings", you need to let her know how you feel about that. Something like: "I appreciate your insight; however, my cerebral palsy isn't what's bothering me right now. What's bothering me is my suicidal thoughts. Let's talk about that instead. I need to learn some techniques to control these feelings so I can become better able to handle the problems associated with my physical illness. The cerebral palsy has been with me for a long time. These suicidal feelings are acute and need to be dealt with now."


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 22, 2005)

Excellent advice, ThatLady.


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## Sylvia (Jul 29, 2005)

I really do appreciate your advice and I followed through with it. I did my best to communicate my failings in prose and poetry.  She said my poetry worried her but I am not sure if what I communicated was as clear as I would like it to be.  She tells me that I look at my feelings in an abstract manner when they are really matter of fact.  she still seems to think that I am in denial...she says the way I look at things are wrong....I'm sorry but God dammit it's the only way I can explain myself wrong or right!  I just can't help it.

 at least I got her attention for a little while even if she told me I was wrong it doesn't change the fact that I want to die.  She says that my mind is in perfect working order and yet I feel so sick.  Is it right to have such an inner struggle within myself where one part  says destroy and the other preserve?   What is wrong with me after all am I denying my grief over my own body?  Is it wrong for me to want to feel a sense of control?...  Is there no such thing as control of the mind?  So many questions and such a short life...there are only few answers it seems. why does my psychologist tell me I have a beautiful mind when that sane mind seeks to destroy my life?sometimes I wonder if it's all so simple that it's staring in the face...yet it seems so complex that theory may never prevail.  I don't know what to think anymore!  I try and I try and it seems I always fail!  I am never good enough in my own mind or in the mind of others.  As a result I feel that I deserve nothing but an end with death...

can someone give me feedback on this please?....am I truly crazy after all?...what am I supposed to do if I am wrong?  Am I wrong about everything? a little help please!  Thanks...

~ Sylvia


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## Nell (Jul 31, 2005)

Hi Sylvia,  There have been times in my life when I felt like there was a balancing act going on in my brain. Our minds can be quite manipulative and they try to protect us sometimes by suggesting suicide as a way out of the pain. I've learned to recognize this as a poor suggestion, self preservation is a human reaction...suicide is not the way to go. I have learned that things never stay the same....given time you will see that you have other choices.

The important thing is not to do anything impulsive. And you are not alone.


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## Link (Aug 4, 2005)

People who know about my depression always complain that "it's like talking to a brick wall," like I've built a wall to keep them out. What they don't understand is that being trapped _inside_ the wall is even worse. You can't "just snap out of it," that is like saying, "just snap out of your ear infection."[/i]


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## Nell (Aug 7, 2005)

It's an awful way to feel Link...so black in that hole that you feel it's impossble to get out. I had a friend who would sit on his hands and rock until he felt some better. You're hands can't hurt you if you are sitting on them.  Please know that you are not alone. I wish I could help you but please know that I understand.


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