# Building better relationships



## Cat Dancer (Nov 15, 2005)

From: Texas Women's University


*Building Better Relationships* 
People who successfully build intimate relationships with friends and/or a significant other know of the benefits a good relationship can provide in an individual's life: 

Mortality rates for people with strong supportive ties are two to five times lower than people with limited or no relationships. 

The incidence of terminal cancer is higher among isolated people than those with close emotional ties. 

The rates of mental hospitalizations are five to ten times greater for patients who report few or no relationships compared to other patients. 
Practicing some of the following skills can foster closeness with others: 

*BE YOURSELF.* 
Donâ€™t try to relate to others by acting like you think they would want/expect you to. Being real from the start gives each person a chance to see if they can be comfortable with each other's beliefs, interests, looks, and lifestyle. 

*COMMUNICATE BETTER.* 
This is an essential skill in a good relationship of any type. 

Use "I" statements when talking to others about your thoughts or feelings. This promotes ownership of what you are saying, which establishes a strong, direct position.

Self disclose at a slow, but steady rate. This is the art of sharing your private thoughts and feelings with people you trust. Revealing too much too soon can cause the speaker to feel overly vulnerable and the listener to feel uncomfortable and obligated to reciprocate. Take your time. You can increase your rate of sharing as you get to know the person better.

Ask for what you need/want. Others can not read your mind, so limit your expectation that the other person should be able to guess what you prefer out of their affection for you. The best chance of receiving what you want is to speak up and ask for it!

Check out your assumptions. You are no mind reader either. Misunderstandings can arise from acting on what you guess your friend/partner wants.

Give both of you permission to peacefully refuse each other's requests at times.

*RESOLVE CONFLICTS* 
Take the relationship from MY WAY/YOUR WAY to OUR WAY through negotiation and compromise. Start the problem solving by listening to and respecting each other's point of view. Conflicts are more easily addressed when both people participate in the solution, instead of one person dominating the decision making process. Aim for a balance of power.

*RECIPROCATE* 
Give equal importance to the feelings, interests, and needs of each person in the relationship. Develop the skill of both giving and receiving emotional support.

*ENJOY EACH OTHER!* 
Let good humor and fun together be a part of your regular schedule.


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## Eunoia (Nov 15, 2005)

thanks Janet!



> Mortality rates for people with strong supportive ties are two to five times lower than people with limited or no relationships


I have heard that before too. It's quite amazing actually, but there's lots of reasons for this link.



> The rates of mental hospitalizations are five to ten times greater for patients who report few or no relationships compared to other patients


I wonder how much this is perceived loneliness vs. actual lack of social support....



> Practicing some of the following skills can foster closeness with others:


This is a point I've been trying to bring across repeatedly on here that things like this can be practiced and learned and improved.... w/ lots of work and determination and yes, practice. )

being yourself is such an essential part of relationships, friendships etc.! how will you ever know how someone will react or whether they "will be there" or accept you for who you are if you don't even give them a chance? there's so many times in life when people pretend or try to give off that perfect image, friendships shouldn't be part of this.... and yes, others cannot read your mind no matter how much you think "they should know b/c they're my friends". Put it this way, if you think they should knw but don't, how do you know that you know everything about them? Maybe they're thinking the exact same thing, thus why proper communication is the key. I have seen and had relationships (in whichever context) fall apart b/c one things weren't reciprocated (and there's no use investing into a one way deal) and b/c conflicts weren't deal w/- don't fight about things that are minor but do voice your opinion about things, if it's a "true" friendship or relationship this shouldn't be seen as something negative....


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## comfortzone (Nov 16, 2005)

I agree Janet...great article!  I use many of these concepts with my clients.


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