# Girlfriend cheated on me



## mattattacc

Well my g/f cheated on me and im not sure what i should do about this.
We have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and to my knowledge this is te first time she has done this. She had also told me she cheated on her ex previoulsy and told him too. But then she ended up doing it again and leaving him. Her reason for leaving him is that she didnt love him. They were dating for five years starting right before she was 16 and she said she was just too young to stay with him becauser they got together so young. She told me she was really sorry and she doesnt want to leave me, or me to leave her and that she still loves me. Also she has brought up marriage with me a few times before this occured and i have always told her i dont want to get married and she said taqt could be possibly the reason why she doubts about our relationship. I was never really serious about not marrying, I would like to marry her someday I just didnt want her to get her hopes up too early. The worst part about this is that when she told me i ended up slapping her, and dont know wat i should do about this. Also i dont know if she will do it again even though she has promised it wont happen again. I just dont know if I should stay with her because I really love her and cant picture myself with anybody else. But maybe someone can help me with this and give me some insight on what I should do about this.


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## David Baxter PhD

*G/F cheated on me.*

There are a number of resources on moving on with a relationship or without it after an affair. Have a look at some of these:  Google search for 'after the affair'


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## Aladdin

*Re: G/F cheated on me.*

we have a saying here' a dog catch sheep once,itwill  catch sheep again''that is a fact that every sheepfarmer will tell you.
my ex walk out on me and my children and then from her boy friend to a new one and then from her fiance to a new one enc.


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## Christina

I am on the opposite end of this... Im starting  to relaize that people who cheat are not happy with thereselves.


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## AVC

Typically I leave them in the dust based on principal rather than sit around paying for mistakes not made by me, but on the other hand if you can't forgive and are a perfectionist life gets real lonely at times.

Many times people will cheat or think about it during a misunderstanding and during a major fight or when they have a general dissatisfaction with a current relationship.

Most of the time these couples end up severing the relationship permanently because of communication breakdown or because of distrust and lies.


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## sunset

Once a cheat, always a cheat... You cant trust a cheater and you have no relationship without trust..


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## Halo

Isn't that very judgmental to think that people can't change?  Just because ssomeone makes a mistake doesn't mean that they are for sure, definitely going to keep making that same mistake over and over.


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## AVC

That is true in some cases, but only if the person has the ability to tell the absolute truth, if they can't and hedge or can not express what is really going on and have the need to hide relevant facts about their life and history I would say that person has not or will not ever change.


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## Halo

Exactly my point.  If the person is able to own up to their mistake and tell the truth it does not mean that they are going to make the same mistake over and over and therefore live up to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" label.


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## David Baxter PhD

I agree. In general, if someone sincerely wants to change, change is possible.

The reason many, perhaps most, cheaters cheat again is because they don't really see anything wrong with what they're doing and they have no genuine motivation to change.


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## Christina

I hope so

But its the forgivness that's the killer... people always thinking that you are that way when u are just human and made a mistake!


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## David Baxter PhD

Christina said:


> I am on the opposite end of this... Im starting  to relaize that people who cheat are not happy with themselves.





David Baxter said:


> I agree. In general, if someone sincerely wants to change, change is possible.





Christina said:


> I hope so



Take it as fact, Christina. You have taken the first step in realizing that you are unhappy and need to change something about you or the way you are living to address that. If you are willing to do the work to identify and address those issues, you can (1) get to a point where you are a lot happier with yourself and your life, and (2) get to the point where the need yopu felt to cheat no longer exists in your life.


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## Christina

Yes I agree. Bit guilt is the worst feeling in the world. and I guess  that will just take time.


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## sunset

Halo said:


> Isn't that very judgmental to think that people can't change?  Just because ssomeone makes a mistake doesn't mean that they are for sure, definitely going to keep making that same mistake over and over.



It may be judgemental but from what I can see they dont change... I guess its just a way to protect myself, and if someone does something to hurt or betray me, I am done with them.


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## Halo

So you may be basing this on your personal experience with a specific individual, they have not changed and therefore you believe that once they have cheated they will cheat again.  I understand that that may be your experience however I was just trying to see the other side of it where all people are _capable_ of change if they really want to and in my opinion cheating is not a black and white/all or nothing issue.


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## sunset

I am basing this on many many peoples experiences that I know personally. I am not saying people cant change, if they work really hard at it and actually want to change, then I am sure it can happen. But for the most part, most do not change.


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## ThatLady

People who have the motivation to change can, most definitely, accomplish that change. In some cases, they can do so simply by willing themselves to do so. In other cases, they may need therapy to find out why they have the problem they're trying to deal with in the first place, and what they need to do to conquer said problem.

As I see it, if a person who cheats in a relationship sees that cheating as a problem, and feels badly for having cheated, the opportunity for change is there. All it takes, then, is that realization coupled with the willingness to do what's necessary to get to the bottom of the problem and, thereby, eliminate the problematic behavior.


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## AVC

sunset said:


> It may be judgemental but from what I can see they dont change... I guess its just a way to protect myself, and if someone does something to hurt or betray me, I am done with them.



Sometimes people respond this way because they feel you betrayed them first, they then go into a rage because of something you said that hurt them and instead of communicating they act out their frustration by making you jealous, young women do this by going out with other men to "get back at the one that hurt them", I have seen this from more than one girl in my day.

Funny these girls both had supermodel looks and had no reason to feel insecure at all, but they were going to get back at me in this way because they could do it easy because of their spectacular appearance, so unless you can forgive and open up communication, you will lose this sort of person who communicates via insane stunts versus open verbal communication.

Both of these girls were about 21 years old at the time this happened with them and because I got mad at them for their behavior I shut off communication with them and accomplished what I did not want, I lost both of them forever.

I still worry about what might have become of them 17 years later, one girl got involved in a lot of bad stuff (boyfriends that beat her, she had the same problem when I met her), but I hope the other, who was a very fine person moved on successfully with her life.


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## Peanut

In my opinion, the past is the best predictor of the future unless there is some intervention done, which could be a strong desire to change and the behavioral and cognitive adjustments to make the change a reality.  But really, what struck me, is that you slapped her for this.  It clearly distressed you in your post, but, trust me, no matter how hurt you are, that is going down a road that is not going to benefit anyone.  If you want to save this relationship, or others, you would probably do well to take a strong look at that behavior and try very hard not to ever do it again, not just for the women in your life, but also for yourself.  (Sorry I don't mean to come across as preachy or anything like that, but I was just surprised that nobody addressed it earlier, especially since you seemed concerned about it too...)
It's just a good reminder that people make hurtful mistakes, it sounds like you both did.


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## Halo

Arose, 

Nobody addressed the slapping issue because the original post was made way back in 2005 by a member who is no longer even involved in this conversation.


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## Peanut

Oh, thanks, I didn't realize that, although I think the issue may still have some relevance to other readers...but sorry to jump in the middle of the conversation, I didn't look at the date, just read the thread, my bad


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## AVC

Halo said:


> Arose,
> 
> Nobody addressed the slapping issue because the original post was made way back in 2005 by a member who is no longer even involved in this conversation.




LOL, I never even noticed that fact !!!! :funny:


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## Peanut

AVC said:


> LOL, I never even noticed that fact !!!! :funny:



Well, I have to say that makes me feel a little better that I"m not the only one not reading the dates.  Thank you very much AVC...I feel way less...clumsy now!  I thought I was doing well reading the whole thread and then a huge oversight like this occurs...


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## David Baxter PhD

It's pretty common on forums. I've done it myself.


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## AVC

It's not a problem, some forum administrators make a big deal out of it, but I think that is stupid, if a subject interests a reader and they want to comment on "an open thread" that is "not closed to new posts" by management, then management should not get mad at the member for posting to the thread unless it is a "worthless bump thread to the top of the forum post".

The reason some get mad is because it upsets the current order of the forum, but it is never a problem unless some new guy comes along and bumps every thread in the forums for attention, now that really upsets and destroys the entire order of a forum and that kind of person should be banned, I have seen this happen and it is very bad.

Some forums have a add on hack installed that actually closes threads after they are dormant for a specified period, either that or managers can close them if it is that important, Dr. Baxter knows how to run a forum though and if he did not want new posts made to threads I'm sure they would already be closed.


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## ThatLady

Heck, I'm always doing that! It never occurs to me to look at the date or time of a post. I just babble on!


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## AVC

Chatting on a discussion forum ??

You should be ashamed of yourself !!!!


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## rebecca8

I know this is over a 2 year old post, BUT just in case you check back from time to time, I wanted to write something because you reminded me of someone I used to know..........
I broke up with my boyfriend over 3 years ago because I cheated on him. I am living proof of the laws of karma. It's been one of the biggest lessons of my life, and his. We are actually very good friends now. He's been listening to me cry about this guy that I kinda fell in love with, but didn't love me. Now I know how my ex-boyfriend felt. I've been paying for that mistake for so long. I'm sure of only a few things in my life. One of them is that I will NEVER EVER cheat on anyone ever again.  So, anyway, sometimes it takes years to overcome things that have hurt us and other people. Oh, and people can change........they just need to pay attention, be patient, and communicate. Hope you're doing OK.


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## ladylore

Wanted to say hi Rebecca. Looks like you have done quite of bit of reading around here. Great to have you around 

Ladylore


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