# How Running Helped Me Face a Decades-Old Eating Disorder



## David Baxter PhD (Aug 16, 2017)

*How Running Helped Me Face a Decades-Old Eating Disorder*
By DOROTHY BENDEL, _New York Times Well Blog_
AUG. 16, 2017

When  I was 16 years old, I ran in place in my bedroom each day for at least  an hour. I ran, not going anywhere, in front of a television to distract  me from the fatigue and pain radiating through my young muscles and  bones.

Sometimes  I could stretch that hour into almost two hours if I was feeling  particularly guilty about something I ate or if something interesting  aired after the latest _X-Files_ episode. The door was always locked. I  ran in soft socks on thick carpet so no one would hear. I never told  anyone.
Each  day was a challenge to overcome. I set a calorie-count goal. At first, I  aimed to stay under 1,000 calories per day, and then the number  dwindled. The lowest point I remember was limiting myself to 300  calories per day. Some days I ended up coming in under that goal.

I  wasn?t the first teenager to suffer from an eating disorder and to  exercise to the point of nearly passing out several times per week. I  feel fortunate to have made it through that time even though I didn?t  have any support. The morning I had to crawl from my bedroom to the  kitchen for something to eat because I had so little energy forced me  into a moment of self-awareness. I needed food. I needed to look  honestly at what I was doing to myself. I needed help.

 No  one told me I was worryingly thin until after I had managed to get  myself back to a healthy weight. ?You look so much better! I was really  worried!? they said, but only after the danger appeared to pass.

I?m  older now, and a mother of two. I?ve gained weight through pregnancies  and returned to my baseline weight each time. I don?t count calories,  though I try to spend my money on wholesome, natural foods, both for  myself and for my family.

I  have exercised on and off over the years to maintain energy and relieve  stress rather than to look like the distorted ideal body type I  imagined when I was younger. I know that body type is a myth.
So  when I started training for a half-marathon with my teenage daughter, I  didn?t expect some of the panic I felt as that 16-year-old girl to  resurface. We ran long distances on the weekend, often 10 miles or more.  Anyone who runs long distances knows that this type of activity burns a  significant amount of calories, and those calories need to be replaced.

I  researched how much I should be eating to compensate and what types of  energy bars runners preferred. I found myself fixated on calorie and  carbohydrate counts. It felt like too much, as though these  recommendations that were reasonable for other people somehow were  unreasonable for me. That should have been my first tip-off.

  This  went on for a few more weeks. I would run, feel weak, and instead of  simply eating enough to restore my energy, I fell into a slump.

Yet,  it wasn?t until finishing a nearly 13-mile long run without enough  sustenance to help me feel strong, and to help me recover, that I  recognized that old tired feeling seeping back into my body. When my  daughter walked into the dining room while I rested my head on the  table, I felt the need to perk up, as if I was hiding something. That?s  when I knew.

It?s  scary to be surprised by an illness you thought was cured, when  actually it was only lying dormant. But at least I was able to recognize  the resurgence. Others aren?t so lucky.

It  might sound strange to someone who hasn?t been affected by an eating  disorder, but I had to give myself permission to consume energy gels  when on long runs. I had to direct myself to enjoy an after-workout  nutrition bar. Even though I sometimes fell into the abyss of dubious  nutritional information found on the internet, I used those same tools  to help me come out the other side. I chatted with runner friends who  knew what was required to sustain a healthy lifestyle and I felt a  connection to others who shared the same story. I was able to write  about it in my journal and from there I was able to speak the truth to  my own family.

 Most  of all, I allowed myself to remember what it was like before. Thinking  those thoughts didn?t make me feel better about myself. They only put me  in danger.

I  realized that I willingly turned away from the reality of an eating  disorder in the same way the people around me turned away from my severe  weight loss as it unfolded years ago. My daughter is now the same age  that I was when I nearly starved and exercised myself into irreparable  damage. She?s healthy and she amazes me every day. I want so much for  more for my children than I was willing to give my younger self. But how  much can I give if I don?t move beyond shame and confront my past  honestly?

Running  has helped me come face-to-face with what I took for granted: I  believed my eating disorder was a story that belonged in the past. Now, I  know that this was a lie I told myself, a narrative that wrapped  sickness up in a box and tucked it away unseen. If those feelings can  arise decades later, I know that my recovery is a story that belongs in  the present and the future as well as the past.

Knowing  the truth of it is the only way to confront it. Now, when I run, I?m  not standing in place and I?m not alone. I run though the city streets  with the girl I wished I could have been. We talk and laugh and bemoan  steep hills. But we go home with a sense of accomplishment, and we raid  the fridge without looking at any labels.


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