# Toxic family



## Blue Boris (Jul 8, 2010)

I am in therapy and digging deep into my past and my life. It's becoming more and more apparent that my family is not healthy. It could be much worse. There's no physical abuse or harsh emotional abuse. But there is a general negative attitude and atmosphere that surrounds the whole family. Nothing is ever good enough. We always poke fun at everyone, for small things. The underlying messages from the family is that I'm poor, and not good enough. There is never praise, never positive words, just negative.

I don't expect them to ever change.

This is not the kind of environment I want to be in. I need a positive group of people surrounding me to help me build myself esteem and recover from the years of negativity.

I feel trapped. I feel like I can't ditch my family. Like I'll be a bad person if I do. But I also feel that I need to get away from them. Like I need to cut as much negativity out of my life and be with people who are at least more positive.

How do you deal with a toxic family?

---------- Post added at 08:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:33 PM ----------

I've brought this up in the past to my mother (who has since passed). She always brushed it off. Said I was over reacting and that the little negative thing wasn't at all.

My grandmother would probably say the same thing. I have told her before when she said things that I felt hurt by, and she also brushed them off.

an example: (my grandmother to her niece) "Don't let Tommy take just art classes in college. Get him to take real classes too"

Which is a slap in the face to my sister and I as we both were fine art majors in college. When I confronted my grandmother she said she didn't mean anything by it and to not worry about it. Though it still hurt.


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## Daniel (Jul 8, 2010)

> This is not the kind of environment I want to be in.


Are you talking about your father, grandmother, siblings or other relatives ? How often do you see them? Or do you live with some of them?

Some possibly related articles:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-and-friends/20127-when-parents-are-too-toxic-to-tolerate.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/positive-psychology/9426-beware-of-garbage-trucks.html


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## Blue Boris (Jul 8, 2010)

My whole family, my sister, step-father, grandmother, and mother when she was alive.

I see them every week because they want to eat dinner together as a family. I feel obligated to go.


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## Daniel (Jul 8, 2010)

Maybe not go as often for a while and see how that goes?  IMHO, it's better to have guilt than resentment since guilt tends to be relatively temporary.


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## Blue Boris (Jul 8, 2010)

I did that last week, I skipped. I'm concerned though, I hope they don't get pissed about it.

I do have long term plans to move to a different city. In part to get away from my old life, and also for better business opportunities. But I have some ME work I need to do first and some emotional healing. Which I'm doing, but I wonder if it might go smoother (faster?) if I saw them less.


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## Daniel (Jul 8, 2010)

Personally, like most people, I like certain family members more than others.   Do you already contact one of these family members outside of this weekly gathering?  Maybe staying in partial contact will allay some of the irrational-but-natural guilt, namely family guilt, in the meantime.


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## Blue Boris (Jul 9, 2010)

My grandmother's not so bad. I feel like I need a vacation from them all really.


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## Cloudy Rainbow (Jul 9, 2010)

I know what you mean by a toxic family. Mine was/is one too, they never praise each other for the good things and always look at the negative parts of what we do, criticizing is their hobby, specially my father. When you are in such a family you should tend to outgrow what they say or do towards you, for example: what your grandmother said to her niece, you could be effected by it and feel hurt and agony for as long as you like but you can also just consider her an old lady and just do what you feel like doing without worrying about any other opinions (unless they are more right).
My brother in  law actually had a very negative attitude towards me, like he'd always say I will fail in my life and won't make it but now I look at it by then it did hurt but I just found my own self-esteem inside myself.
You want to move away from them? Do if you feel that's better for you but they'd still be your family.
My advice is that you don't let their negative comments get you down or make you feel hurt, stand up for what you want and don't be negative as well, don't tell them they are bringing you down people tend to get defensive when they are confronted with things they said that hurt you, prove them wrong by being a light of laughter and positiveness.
Unless you can't do that then pull away an stay in slight contact.

Pardon my english.

~


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## Blue Boris (Jul 12, 2010)

If I could JUST ignore her and see her as an old lady then I would. But right now I can't just ignore her. I think I need to heal first, and it would be better to heal away from her and my family. Once I repair the damage done and grow my self esteem then I can see them again.

Words hurt. It doesn't matter what the intent.


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## wheelchairdemon (Jul 18, 2010)

You mean I am not alone? Hallelujah!

Seriously though.  My family is very toxic as well. When Mom was alive, things were much better. She saw that I had legitimate barriers in society so she always tried to help, and if she couldn't, at least listen.

Now that she's gone, my Dad and my brother criticize me, say the world does not owe me a cent, and blame me for the past mental illness and current need to use a wheelchair. 

They are in a position to financially support me the way they used to - they all earn over $120,000 per year, but they have cut it off and said I have not been trying enough. Others can survive on ODSP, so why can't I?

Well, the main reason I have problems is I had to move out on my own from a group home for psychiatric patients when I started to use a wheelchair.  The place wasn't accessible so I was turfed out on my ear and all my physical and emotional supports were cut off.

To have Mom die a few years later and my brother and Dad blame me, was too much.

However, I have found a way to turn it into a positive. I know that their behaviour is abnormal, even greedy, so I accept it.

I know I would not be able to live with myself if I closed the family out of my life entirely and Dad went to his grave (he is 83 years old), so I keep my distance, give them casual respect, and no longer expect a thing from them. 

I even plan to go to the cottage next week because I know I can keep my distance with relationships, and take advantage of the gorgeous relaxation I feel when I'm up there.   

I guess the only thing that is disturbing now is my brother is a cop and he says he knows the likes of us ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Plan)  people... we cheat and take advantage of funds taken from the hard working taxpayer.   He earns over $129,000 per year and I poor pity the people he prosecutes wrongly with his judgmental attitudes.  However, I can't change him.

I learn from him instead. It helps me understand some of the crazy bureaucratic decisions that are helping the poor and disabled in Ontario, and I use the awareness to be a strong activist. I look up laws and use facts when I speak out in an activist role and this has gained me a huge amount of respect from the city councillors and other officials.

So, that toxic family can't be changed, but the learning curve that comes from it, can be turned into a positive with a lot of hard work and /or mental gymnastics.


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## Yuray (Jul 19, 2010)

> I feel trapped. I feel like I can't ditch my family. Like I'll be a bad person if I do.


Ultimatley you are going to have to make a choice of sorts that allows you more peace of mind. You could turn to therapy to find ways to accomodate their attitudes, and be as you always have....tolerant. Or, you could accept them as never being able to change to accomodate you, and tolerate that as well.....and accept the fact they are not required, or obligated to change. They are who they are. You have the problem with the dynamics, they don't.

Fear of losing what little respect, or appreciation you do get from your family, is not a good enough reason to be accomodating to their feelings. Distancing yourself from them is difficult, and they will obviously notice it, and perhaps discuss it, or not. What they think of you is important to you, as it is with all of us concerning family and friends, but there has to be a limit on expectations from them.


> Like I'll be a bad person if I do


....maybe yes, maybe no. Feeling like a bad person for wanting a better life, feeling like a bad person because you may, by distancing yourself, hurt them, shows a great deal of sensitivity and concern for others feelings, which isn't being reciprocted, nor is it likely to.



> If I could JUST ignore her and see her as an old lady then I would. But right now I can't just ignore her. I think I need to heal first, and it would be better to heal away from her and my family. Once I repair the damage done and grow my self esteem then I can see them again.
> 
> Words hurt. It doesn't matter what the intent.



very well said. sounds like you have a plan.


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## Blue Boris (Jul 25, 2010)

I just told my family at dinner that I wouldn't be around for family dinner for awhile. It went better than I expected. There was no yelling, or questioning. My ex-step dad asked if I wanted to be informed of gatherings, or not. I said no. 

I still feel guilty, not as bad as I had expected, but I don't feel the sense of elation that I though I would.

I also have a feeling that my grandmother didn't understand and will be hurt.


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## Blue Boris (Aug 14, 2010)

I guess I'm still feeling pretty guilty about this. Like I'm the one doing something wrong.

I don't fee like I have that much in common with my family. I don't really care if I ever see them again.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 14, 2010)

Try pulling that feeling apart and examining it. If you have done something wrong, what exactly is it that you have done wrong? What do you feel guilty about?

And it's been a few weeks since you told you're family you were going to pull away. Other than the guilt, how have you been feeling since you made that decision?


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## Daniel (Aug 15, 2010)

Blue Boris said:


> I don't fee like I have that much in common with my family. I don't really care if I ever see them again.



Do you feel that way about most people in your life or just your family?


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## Blue Boris (Aug 15, 2010)

I feel like my family expect me to give of myself to them. That they deserve part of me by default, just because we're related. 

I've broken off contact with them. Which is what I've really done as I haven't even spoken to them in weeks. Not talking to them is kind of like telling them they're not good enough for me to spend time with. I think this might make them sad.

I feel guilty because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

Other than guilt I've been feeling fine. When I'm not thinking about them I'm good. 




Daniel said:


> Do you feel that way about most people in your life or just your family?


 
A little bit.

I get feelings from time to time that I'm living in a TV show that I didn't write, that I'm living the default life without customizing it. The people I hang out with are not my ideal friend image in my head. I feel like I hang out with them because I always have, just because they are there. So when I pull away from them, and try to expand my friend circle I do feel a little bit of guilt as these friends enjoy me.


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## wheelchairdemon (Aug 15, 2010)

The timing of this comment is perfect. I'm in the middle of a toxic family situation right now.

I made a choice a long time ago to not let my father go to the grave with me hating him. He is 83 years old.

This week, while I have been with them, I'm starting to question the wisdom of my decision, however, I had a brainwave.  I'm wondering if it is possible to see a family with a mediator - someone who could help promote a more healthy serious discussion to take place? 

I should make it clear, I do not live at home and haven't for years.  Also, my family is upper middle class and I'm on ODSP. They will help pay for medical expenses that ODSP does not cover, but that forces me into somewhat of a tie with my family; one I am not keen to have, but realistically, don't have anywhere else I can turn.  It's an awful feeling because ODSP income does not buy enough  very basic items so I can survive.  Most of my income goes to specialized transit. I pay close to $200 per month. This never used to be the case so it was easy to avoid the family.   

It is also important to note that every time I try to forego joining the family for the family reunions or a get-together my Dad gets quite upset. I gave up an event this weekend just so I could make him feel better. Besides, I have not yet learned how to cope with the family calling me selfish for wanting to stay home and join my choir event.

If the idea for a mediator is reasonable for a family that no longer lives under the same roof, where does one find one?

Louise


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## Blue Boris (Aug 15, 2010)

But how does one get over their own guilt. I can't change my family. I can't be around them.

---------- Post added at 11:03 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:55 AM ----------

I want them to change, I can't make them, they won't. To me not seeing them seems to be the best thing for my life. 

Maybe being a bad son/family member is ok if I can be a healthy person.


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## rdw (Aug 15, 2010)

Of course you can't change them - the only one you can change is you. You can change how you react to them, how you think about them and the significance or impact they have in your life. Once you are comfortable with you and your life, dealing with the family is easy. Their comments and expectations become less important and who knows you might even like to spend some time around a few of them. Is it possible to set up a coffee or a dinner with members of your family you are more comfortable with?


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## wheelchairdemon (Aug 15, 2010)

You can never make another one change and that's always the hardest lesson to learn.

What you can do is see it for what it is; and then put it in its place.  If the behaviour of others don't make sense, then acknowledge that and accept it.  I'm not saying you have to like it.  Just know it is out of your control.

The next thing that works, and I'm sharing my own personal coping strategies here, is ask yourself the question, "what did I do wrong?" If the answer is nothing, then there is no need to feel guilt. Sickness can sometimes **** off others, but that is not your fault.

I am at a cottage surrounded by over 30 relatives and I'm being treated like I'm a nothing. I've had trauma and poverty; they have had money and opportunity.  For this reason, they don't get it; they never will. They have to feel pain and, because they have built a strong familial support network, they likely will never truly feel it the same way I do. 

Heck, I use a wheelchair and my Dad has volunteered me to give up my room and sleep on the floor in the living room. Does that sound normal? Of course not. So you put it in its place, don't blame yourself, recognize it for what it is, then make a choice to move on.

I hope this feedback helps. 

Louise


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## Blue Boris (Aug 15, 2010)

I know I can't change them. I guess I also have to learn that I can't change them.

I guess I'm worried that in my self imposed exile from them they, main my grandmother, will just get pissed and when (if) I do talk to her again will try to cut me off.

But if that's what happens when I'm healing myself then that's what happens.


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