# Please, will someone help?



## Needing_Help

I'm fifteen years old, and I know that there is something badly wrong with me, and I think I really need help.

Eh... to sum it up, 

I am completely emotionally detached, have an inability to love, I am generally depressed (often because of the first two factors). I don't care about anyone around me at all, I really, really would like to but I can't. I feel anti-social a lot of the time, but I have enough friends - they mean very little to me though, and I think if I never saw them again I would not miss them, although I know they are all good people. My family life has never been good, but to be honest I didn't really care what happened to my parents when they got divorced or anything else - it didn't upset me (virtually) at all. I can usually generate false emotions well enough - I don't think people who are close to me really understand the way I am, and how could I explain it to them? In my heart and mind I don't feel anything (for instance, I can sit through a whole depressing movie and just get bored and want to leave the cinema), but sometimes, tears come to my eyes and my throat hurts when I am watching something sad, although mentally I don't feel sad at all. I can't really bring the things people tell me into pictures in my mind - There are few things that bring me any emotion at all (except general depression) -  the things that do are really small and typically last very briefly - often sadness. 

I have a problem taking things on board sometimes when people tell me something, like when a relative has just died. The words simply wouldn't stick to me - I wouldn't be able to grasp the fact that someone died. Even if, say, someone in my family broke an arm, I would have trouble visualising the situation, and I would be unable to feel pity for anyone even if I did see them with a broken arm. It wouldn't mean anything to me. I'm not a chronic liar, but I tend to lie a lot for the hell of it... I don't get a kick out of it, but I do it anyway if it makes my life easier.

I'm not egocentric particularly - I don't have a high self esteem or a low one - I generally don't tend to think about myself too much in a good way or a bad away (except how bad my problem is).

I feel very empty inside and I know my life is meaningless. People tell me I give good advice, but that is because I understand people logically rather than being able to empathise for them. I am highly apathic - I hate working and am always lazy. I used to fixate myself on things like politics, not because I cared about any agenda in particular, just because I found the overall processes fascinating. I have low sexual interest compared to almost everyone I know, and I haven't had a crush on anyone for over a year now.

I spend a lot of the time being bored - few things seem remotely interesting to me. At school, I do well academically generally (I'm not the best in the year, but for the amount of work I put in (next to nothing) I do pretty well for myself).

I think, without trying to act too arrogant, I have a fairly high IQ (although I'm not as clever as some of the people I know), but my E-IQ is really low. I really don't care about the outside world at all - nothing in it means anything to me at all.

Well anyway, as you can see, I'm lost, bored and really messed up, and I need help. I would be really grateful if anyone could help me. As grateful as I could possibly be... :$

Thank you.

Needing_Help


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## Needing_Help

I'm fifteen years old, and I know that there is something badly wrong with me, and I think I really need help.

Eh... to sum it up, 

I am completely emotionally detached, have an inability to love, I am generally depressed (often because of the first two factors). I don't care about anyone around me at all, I really, really would like to but I can't. I feel anti-social a lot of the time, but I have enough friends - they mean very little to me though, and I think if I never saw them again I would not miss them, although I know they are all good people. My family life has never been good, but to be honest I didn't really care what happened to my parents when they got divorced or anything else - it didn't upset me (virtually) at all. I can usually generate false emotions well enough - I don't think people who are close to me really understand the way I am, and how could I explain it to them? In my heart and mind I don't feel anything (for instance, I can sit through a whole depressing movie and just get bored and want to leave the cinema), but sometimes, tears come to my eyes and my throat hurts when I am watching something sad, although mentally I don't feel sad at all. I can't really bring the things people tell me into pictures in my mind - There are few things that bring me any emotion at all (except general depression) -  the things that do are really small and typically last very briefly - often sadness. 

I have a problem taking things on board sometimes when people tell me something, like when a relative has just died. The words simply wouldn't stick to me - I wouldn't be able to grasp the fact that someone died. Even if, say, someone in my family broke an arm, I would have trouble visualising the situation, and I would be unable to feel pity for anyone even if I did see them with a broken arm. It wouldn't mean anything to me. I'm not a chronic liar, but I tend to lie a lot for the hell of it... I don't get a kick out of it, but I do it anyway if it makes my life easier.

I'm not egocentric particularly - I don't have a high self esteem or a low one - I generally don't tend to think about myself too much in a good way or a bad away (except how bad my problem is).

I feel very empty inside and I know my life is meaningless. People tell me I give good advice, but that is because I understand people logically rather than being able to empathise for them. I am highly apathic - I hate working and am always lazy. I used to fixate myself on things like politics, not because I cared about any agenda in particular, just because I found the overall processes fascinating. I have low sexual interest compared to almost everyone I know, and I haven't had a crush on anyone for over a year now.

I spend a lot of the time being bored - few things seem remotely interesting to me. At school, I do well academically generally (I'm not the best in the year, but for the amount of work I put in (next to nothing) I do pretty well for myself).

I think, without trying to act too arrogant, I have a fairly high IQ (although I'm not as clever as some of the people I know), but my E-IQ is really low. I really don't care about the outside world at all - nothing in it means anything to me at all.

Well anyway, as you can see, I'm lost, bored and really messed up, and I need help. I would be really grateful if anyone could help me. As grateful as I could possibly be... :$

Thank you.

Needing_Help


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## Daniel

Why don't you see a psychologist or even a school counselor?   Professional help is really the only way to go when symptoms are new or undiagnosed.    Otherwise, instead of improving, depression can worsen over time as negative thoughts and feelings of meaninglessness go unchallenged.

I don't know if your school offers a gifted program or if you are in one already, but a gifted class can be helpful in more ways than one.


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## Daniel

Why don't you see a psychologist or even a school counselor?   Professional help is really the only way to go when symptoms are new or undiagnosed.    Otherwise, instead of improving, depression can worsen over time as negative thoughts and feelings of meaninglessness go unchallenged.

I don't know if your school offers a gifted program or if you are in one already, but a gifted class can be helpful in more ways than one.


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## Needing_Help

Um

We have a school counsellor. I'm seeing him, but he doesn't seem that helpful at the moment. He thinks I'm exaggerating things, which I don't think I am - I probably came over a bit too dramatic.

Thanks for your help.


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## Needing_Help

Um

We have a school counsellor. I'm seeing him, but he doesn't seem that helpful at the moment. He thinks I'm exaggerating things, which I don't think I am - I probably came over a bit too dramatic.

Thanks for your help.


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## comfortzone

Hi Needing Help,

One symptom of depression is having difficulty experiencing pleasure (anhedonia).  It sounds to me like you tend to isolate yourself from others or keep your interaction with others down to a minimum.  How well do you trust your school counselor and how long have you been seeing him?  You might ask him to refer you to another therapist (psychologist, or licensed professional counselor) being that you don't feel he "hears" you.  If you chose to stay with him and you have not been seeing him too long...you need to explain to him that you need to gain his trust and actually discussing the clinical issues too early for you might be distressful for you.  

Your first goal is for you to develop a trusting therapeutic relationship without pressure of expectations.  Once you feel that you can trust this counselor, then is the time for the two of you to deleve into your feelings and such.

I am also curious if you might be experiencing any anxiety?  It is important that the services you receive be developed over a period of time to facilitate change in your life.  Keep us posted.


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## comfortzone

Hi Needing Help,

One symptom of depression is having difficulty experiencing pleasure (anhedonia).  It sounds to me like you tend to isolate yourself from others or keep your interaction with others down to a minimum.  How well do you trust your school counselor and how long have you been seeing him?  You might ask him to refer you to another therapist (psychologist, or licensed professional counselor) being that you don't feel he "hears" you.  If you chose to stay with him and you have not been seeing him too long...you need to explain to him that you need to gain his trust and actually discussing the clinical issues too early for you might be distressful for you.  

Your first goal is for you to develop a trusting therapeutic relationship without pressure of expectations.  Once you feel that you can trust this counselor, then is the time for the two of you to deleve into your feelings and such.

I am also curious if you might be experiencing any anxiety?  It is important that the services you receive be developed over a period of time to facilitate change in your life.  Keep us posted.


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## Daniel

What about your parents?  Have they noticed your depression or have you mentioned it to them?   Having parental involvement (even if you don't like your parents) is helpful and would usually be necessary to see a therapist or psychologist outside of school.    Personally, I would think that a psychologist would be more qualified to help you than the average school counselor, though there certainly are exceptions.


Regarding treatment for adolescent depression:



> Treatment options for adolescents with depression are similar to those for depressed adults, and include psychotherapy and antidepressant medications (see major depression for a review of treatments and self-care). However, one major antidepressant, Paxil, now has a warning NOT to be given to children under 18.
> 
> Family therapy may be helpful if family conflict is contributing to the depression. Support from family or teachers to help with school problems may also be needed. Occasionally, hospitalization in a psychiatric unit may be required for individuals with severe depression, or if they are at risk of suicide.
> 
> http://www.shands.org/health/information/article/001518.htm





> *Treating Adolescent Depression*
> 
> It is extremely important that depressed teens receive prompt, professional treatment. Depression is serious and, if left untreated, can worsen to the point of becoming life-threatening. If depressed teens refuse treatment, it may be necessary for family members or other concerned adults to seek professional advice.
> 
> Therapy can help teens understand why they are depressed and learn how to cope with stressful situations. Depending on the situation, treatment may consist of individual, group or family counseling. Medications that can be prescribed by a psychiatrist may be necessary to help teens feel better.
> 
> Some of the most common and effective ways to treat depression in adolescents are:
> 
> Psychotherapy provides teens an opportunity to explore events and feelings that are painful or troubling to them. Psychotherapy also teaches them coping skills.
> 
> Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps teens change negative patterns of thinking and behaving.
> 
> Interpersonal therapy focuses on how to develop healthier relationships at home and at school.
> 
> Medication relieves some symptoms of depression and is often prescribed along with therapy.
> When depressed adolescents recognize the need for help, they have taken a major step toward recovery. However, remember that few adolescents seek help on their own. They may need encouragement from their friends and support from concerned adults to seek help and follow treatment recommendations.
> 
> Mental Health America | Homepage


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## Daniel

What about your parents?  Have they noticed your depression or have you mentioned it to them?   Having parental involvement (even if you don't like your parents) is helpful and would usually be necessary to see a therapist or psychologist outside of school.    Personally, I would think that a psychologist would be more qualified to help you than the average school counselor, though there certainly are exceptions.


Regarding treatment for adolescent depression:



> Treatment options for adolescents with depression are similar to those for depressed adults, and include psychotherapy and antidepressant medications (see major depression for a review of treatments and self-care). However, one major antidepressant, Paxil, now has a warning NOT to be given to children under 18.
> 
> Family therapy may be helpful if family conflict is contributing to the depression. Support from family or teachers to help with school problems may also be needed. Occasionally, hospitalization in a psychiatric unit may be required for individuals with severe depression, or if they are at risk of suicide.
> 
> http://www.shands.org/health/information/article/001518.htm





> *Treating Adolescent Depression*
> 
> It is extremely important that depressed teens receive prompt, professional treatment. Depression is serious and, if left untreated, can worsen to the point of becoming life-threatening. If depressed teens refuse treatment, it may be necessary for family members or other concerned adults to seek professional advice.
> 
> Therapy can help teens understand why they are depressed and learn how to cope with stressful situations. Depending on the situation, treatment may consist of individual, group or family counseling. Medications that can be prescribed by a psychiatrist may be necessary to help teens feel better.
> 
> Some of the most common and effective ways to treat depression in adolescents are:
> 
> Psychotherapy provides teens an opportunity to explore events and feelings that are painful or troubling to them. Psychotherapy also teaches them coping skills.
> 
> Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps teens change negative patterns of thinking and behaving.
> 
> Interpersonal therapy focuses on how to develop healthier relationships at home and at school.
> 
> Medication relieves some symptoms of depression and is often prescribed along with therapy.
> When depressed adolescents recognize the need for help, they have taken a major step toward recovery. However, remember that few adolescents seek help on their own. They may need encouragement from their friends and support from concerned adults to seek help and follow treatment recommendations.
> 
> Mental Health America | Homepage


----------



## Needing_Help

Thank you all for your help.

I've seen my school counsellor once, its just that it didn't feel like he really understood what I was trying to say. I'm seeing him again on Wednesday, but I don't know if things will end up being any different.

I'm close to my mother, not to my father. She has a lot of problems on her own (a lot about my father - they've been unhappy for 15 years but they've been divorcing messily for two). I'm very insensitive towards her, and that's my main problem - I can't empathise her problems but I really, really want to. I don't have any emotional meaning for anything, and that's my greatest issue with myself. She's a really really good person I know, and I know she's incredibly kind and loves me more than I deserve, but inside I don't love her back or feel anything for her. I don't even feel guilty about it - its more that I know that the way my mind works is horrible. It's something I would prefer not to discuss with her for those reasons.

As for anxiety, the only anxiety I get is from my issues, because I know I'll never be able to live happily with them wherever I go. Just another example here, I once got mugged by someone with a knife about three months ago. I should have been scared s***less, but it didn't do anything to me. It was just like, ok, here's your money.

I dont really try to isolate myself from others - I have friends at school, it's just that they really don't mean anything to me at all. I could forget about them completely if I never saw them again. I sound like a complete jerk, but its not my fault, I really wish I weren't like this. It's the thing I hate most in the world. My depression isn't really as bad as other peoples' I know - sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down, I guess a little more down than up but I cope... my depression is mainly because of my current problem, although all the memories I seem to recall are generally bad ones so I guess it goes deeper than that.

Thank you all for your help.


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## Needing_Help

Thank you all for your help.

I've seen my school counsellor once, its just that it didn't feel like he really understood what I was trying to say. I'm seeing him again on Wednesday, but I don't know if things will end up being any different.

I'm close to my mother, not to my father. She has a lot of problems on her own (a lot about my father - they've been unhappy for 15 years but they've been divorcing messily for two). I'm very insensitive towards her, and that's my main problem - I can't empathise her problems but I really, really want to. I don't have any emotional meaning for anything, and that's my greatest issue with myself. She's a really really good person I know, and I know she's incredibly kind and loves me more than I deserve, but inside I don't love her back or feel anything for her. I don't even feel guilty about it - its more that I know that the way my mind works is horrible. It's something I would prefer not to discuss with her for those reasons.

As for anxiety, the only anxiety I get is from my issues, because I know I'll never be able to live happily with them wherever I go. Just another example here, I once got mugged by someone with a knife about three months ago. I should have been scared s***less, but it didn't do anything to me. It was just like, ok, here's your money.

I dont really try to isolate myself from others - I have friends at school, it's just that they really don't mean anything to me at all. I could forget about them completely if I never saw them again. I sound like a complete jerk, but its not my fault, I really wish I weren't like this. It's the thing I hate most in the world. My depression isn't really as bad as other peoples' I know - sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down, I guess a little more down than up but I cope... my depression is mainly because of my current problem, although all the memories I seem to recall are generally bad ones so I guess it goes deeper than that.

Thank you all for your help.


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## comfortzone

You're welcome Needing Help.

I would say that you need to give this counselor or if you get another therapist some time to get to know you.  If you do make sure you explain to them the need to build this relationship given your feelings and such.

What is it like for you to be in any relationship?  Are you concerned about other people's criticisms?  Have you experienced a rewarding relationship?

Take care,


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## comfortzone

You're welcome Needing Help.

I would say that you need to give this counselor or if you get another therapist some time to get to know you.  If you do make sure you explain to them the need to build this relationship given your feelings and such.

What is it like for you to be in any relationship?  Are you concerned about other people's criticisms?  Have you experienced a rewarding relationship?

Take care,


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## Needing_Help

I'm generally not too bothered about what other people think of me to be honest...

I mean I used to care quite a lot (I guess even a little insecure) or what some people thought, but then I began to think that it didn't really matter what they said - I guess it's more that I didn't really care what happened.

My friends are generally whose company I like being in because they're funny or they're cool or whatever, but inside I know that we're just acquaintances most of the time. Some of the relationships I've been in have felt good, but those have been generally pretty fleeting ones.

I may get another therapist, but for the moment, I want to see what happens with the school counsellor - hopefully he will see what I'm trying to say eventually.

But even if he does, I don't understand what's wrong with me!

I really, really don't want to be the way I am, but there's nothing I can do to change it, as hard as I try.


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## Needing_Help

I'm generally not too bothered about what other people think of me to be honest...

I mean I used to care quite a lot (I guess even a little insecure) or what some people thought, but then I began to think that it didn't really matter what they said - I guess it's more that I didn't really care what happened.

My friends are generally whose company I like being in because they're funny or they're cool or whatever, but inside I know that we're just acquaintances most of the time. Some of the relationships I've been in have felt good, but those have been generally pretty fleeting ones.

I may get another therapist, but for the moment, I want to see what happens with the school counsellor - hopefully he will see what I'm trying to say eventually.

But even if he does, I don't understand what's wrong with me!

I really, really don't want to be the way I am, but there's nothing I can do to change it, as hard as I try.


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## David Baxter PhD

> I really, really don't want to be the way I am, but there's nothing I can do to change it, as hard as I try.


Perhaps not on your own and perhaps not with the help of this counselor. In many areas, school counselors have only limited training - that may not be the case in your school, of course, but don't give up hope on the basis of a single counselor who may simply not have the necessary skills or training to help you.


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## David Baxter PhD

> I really, really don't want to be the way I am, but there's nothing I can do to change it, as hard as I try.


Perhaps not on your own and perhaps not with the help of this counselor. In many areas, school counselors have only limited training - that may not be the case in your school, of course, but don't give up hope on the basis of a single counselor who may simply not have the necessary skills or training to help you.


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## Needing_Help

Thanks for the help...

I thought at some point that I had like a chemical imbalance in my mind but I don't really know.

Is that possible...?


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## Needing_Help

Thanks for the help...

I thought at some point that I had like a chemical imbalance in my mind but I don't really know.

Is that possible...?


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## David Baxter PhD

Anything is possible, I guess, but I wouldn't even attempt to draw any conclusions about that at a distance.

I suspect it has more to do with depression and stress and defenses you've constructed against being hurt or overhwelmed.


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## David Baxter PhD

Anything is possible, I guess, but I wouldn't even attempt to draw any conclusions about that at a distance.

I suspect it has more to do with depression and stress and defenses you've constructed against being hurt or overhwelmed.


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## Needing_Help

Well I think it's certainly possible

My life at home hasn't always been good - my parents have sometimes been violent, always been edgy, but normally not with me. My father dragged my mother through a lot of pain, and I guess it affected me too. I don't really remember much from when I was younger, except my mother crying a lot (she sometimes still does - but she has good reasons too). I don't think I was ever directly involved in their arguments after my birth, but still I guess it took it's toll. It's not exactly fair to say we were a really broken family (from my perspective), but I guess things weren't that good. There were a few points in my life which left a really deep scar on me, and they were to do with my mother, but they don't hurt or mean anything to me anymore. I'll explain later im in the UK and need some sleep!

Well, anyway, thank you very much for the help.


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## Needing_Help

Well I think it's certainly possible

My life at home hasn't always been good - my parents have sometimes been violent, always been edgy, but normally not with me. My father dragged my mother through a lot of pain, and I guess it affected me too. I don't really remember much from when I was younger, except my mother crying a lot (she sometimes still does - but she has good reasons too). I don't think I was ever directly involved in their arguments after my birth, but still I guess it took it's toll. It's not exactly fair to say we were a really broken family (from my perspective), but I guess things weren't that good. There were a few points in my life which left a really deep scar on me, and they were to do with my mother, but they don't hurt or mean anything to me anymore. I'll explain later im in the UK and need some sleep!

Well, anyway, thank you very much for the help.


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## Needing_Help

OK I guess I'll continue where I left off...

There were times this year (and last), when I got into physical fights with my mother, over small things, but I drove her hysterical. She said some things that I remember, things like "I don't love you any more", and "You're just like your father" (although these things were a lot my fault in retrospect), which hurt then, especially the second one, because I thought that I might be turning into him - something I desperately don't want to be. I remember times when I used to cry in the bathroom, because I hated school and everything that was going on - I was depressed a lot younger I think. It wasn't anything in particular that upset me I don't think, I was just generally unhappy.

These things don't upset me anymore at all. I remember vaguely what people have said or not said (a lot is just a blur), but nothing really hurts me inside. I don't even remember my emotions ever being that powerful, but I remember times when I was crying pretty intensely and when I felt like sh**. 

Whenever I feel emotions - pity, sadness, whatever, they're really short-lived - I'm beginning to think that I might have done this to myself subconsciously - like I'm crushing them. I'm not sure, but since David Baxter suggested it to me if has seemed more and more obvious to me.

I need to stop. It's killing me inside - I'm not a human being anymore.

When I tried to describe my problems to the school counsellor, he told me my body language showed that I had emotions; but what happens to me physically doesn't really represent what goes on inside my head. I can cry, but inside, it doesn't hurt at all.

I feel like a human robot sometimes; something that's been functioned to act like a human, but really isn't one. I never have the feeling when I do something that it feels right or good anymore - a lot of apathic uncertainty. It depresses me when people talk about things like the deaths of their own relatives and that I really don't and call feel for them at all.

Even, when I was a child, I used to be scared of death a huge amount - It was what kept me awake at night. I don't really care about it - I can't even visualise death anymore.

I need help...


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## Needing_Help

OK I guess I'll continue where I left off...

There were times this year (and last), when I got into physical fights with my mother, over small things, but I drove her hysterical. She said some things that I remember, things like "I don't love you any more", and "You're just like your father" (although these things were a lot my fault in retrospect), which hurt then, especially the second one, because I thought that I might be turning into him - something I desperately don't want to be. I remember times when I used to cry in the bathroom, because I hated school and everything that was going on - I was depressed a lot younger I think. It wasn't anything in particular that upset me I don't think, I was just generally unhappy.

These things don't upset me anymore at all. I remember vaguely what people have said or not said (a lot is just a blur), but nothing really hurts me inside. I don't even remember my emotions ever being that powerful, but I remember times when I was crying pretty intensely and when I felt like sh**. 

Whenever I feel emotions - pity, sadness, whatever, they're really short-lived - I'm beginning to think that I might have done this to myself subconsciously - like I'm crushing them. I'm not sure, but since David Baxter suggested it to me if has seemed more and more obvious to me.

I need to stop. It's killing me inside - I'm not a human being anymore.

When I tried to describe my problems to the school counsellor, he told me my body language showed that I had emotions; but what happens to me physically doesn't really represent what goes on inside my head. I can cry, but inside, it doesn't hurt at all.

I feel like a human robot sometimes; something that's been functioned to act like a human, but really isn't one. I never have the feeling when I do something that it feels right or good anymore - a lot of apathic uncertainty. It depresses me when people talk about things like the deaths of their own relatives and that I really don't and call feel for them at all.

Even, when I was a child, I used to be scared of death a huge amount - It was what kept me awake at night. I don't really care about it - I can't even visualise death anymore.

I need help...


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## Needing_Help

Does anyone know what I can do to take these barriers down? I don't know how I've put them up, and I can't really seem to be able to look past them - I think they really run deep.

Earlier today, I was crying, but that was only a physical and on the outside - inside I felt absolutely fine (or almost - I had an almost invisible pang of sadness but these are really, really small).

Can someone explain what's happening to me?


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## Needing_Help

Does anyone know what I can do to take these barriers down? I don't know how I've put them up, and I can't really seem to be able to look past them - I think they really run deep.

Earlier today, I was crying, but that was only a physical and on the outside - inside I felt absolutely fine (or almost - I had an almost invisible pang of sadness but these are really, really small).

Can someone explain what's happening to me?


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## Daniel

Personally, with my feelings of apathy, I find that a behavioral approach is often helpful, e.g. doing positive things even if you don't feel like it. For example, doing nice things for one's mother like doing an extra chore even if  one could care less.  The idea is that eventually these positive behaviors will result in positive feelings.

Another thing is that, with depression, one often has to look longer to find something positive or of interest about a project, a person, a situation, or even one's life since one's ability to enjoy and appreciate things is diminished.  This is partly why therapists will sometimes ask clients to write a list of everything positive  or interesting in their life.  As the saying goes, life is in the details.  This detailed approach also helps one avoid negative, overgeneralized thinking like "life sucks."


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## Daniel

Personally, with my feelings of apathy, I find that a behavioral approach is often helpful, e.g. doing positive things even if you don't feel like it. For example, doing nice things for one's mother like doing an extra chore even if  one could care less.  The idea is that eventually these positive behaviors will result in positive feelings.

Another thing is that, with depression, one often has to look longer to find something positive or of interest about a project, a person, a situation, or even one's life since one's ability to enjoy and appreciate things is diminished.  This is partly why therapists will sometimes ask clients to write a list of everything positive  or interesting in their life.  As the saying goes, life is in the details.  This detailed approach also helps one avoid negative, overgeneralized thinking like "life sucks."


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## Needing_Help

Thank you for your help. I will definitely try, but my issue is that I really can't generate positive feelings - I'm emotionally very empty.

I must have shut them off somehow, but I don't know how or really why. For instance today, I was crying (I had tears in my eyes that definitely were caused by sadness) when reading an article about Nazi persecution on the internet, but inside me I felt no sadness at all.

The only thing I feel is occasionally upset about the way I am - I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.

I don't know what I've done to myself...


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## Needing_Help

Thank you for your help. I will definitely try, but my issue is that I really can't generate positive feelings - I'm emotionally very empty.

I must have shut them off somehow, but I don't know how or really why. For instance today, I was crying (I had tears in my eyes that definitely were caused by sadness) when reading an article about Nazi persecution on the internet, but inside me I felt no sadness at all.

The only thing I feel is occasionally upset about the way I am - I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.

I don't know what I've done to myself...


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## Daniel

Needing_Help said:
			
		

> I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.


You will get better with professional treatment and even the passage of time.   This feeling of hopelessness ("I don't think I ever will") is an expected symptom of depression, and, BTW, I think it's common for people with depression to think that other people with depression will get better but that they themselves won't.  When I started having depression, I was very skeptical that I would get better, even though all the clincial studies I read were to the contrary, and I would argue with my therapist and my psychiatrist that I would never get better to a meaningful degree. 

Regarding self-help, my understanding is that before people see a therapist for a while, self-help methods can often be ineffective and frustrating.    Sometimes, the best one can do is take a day (or moment) at a time until one's symptoms improve with treatment, hopefully being somewhat distracted by daily activities.  

At a good site for depression, UndoingDepression.com, the following advice is given on its page of mood-changing activities:



> If you're really feeling seriously depressed, please don't beat yourself up if you don't have the motivation to try any of these ideas. Depression is an illness we can't control; just wait to try until things start to feel a little better.
> 
> Mood Changers - UndoingDepression.com



Also, depression-related apathy usually improves as one's underlying depression gets better with treatment.


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## Daniel

Needing_Help said:
			
		

> I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.


You will get better with professional treatment and even the passage of time.   This feeling of hopelessness ("I don't think I ever will") is an expected symptom of depression, and, BTW, I think it's common for people with depression to think that other people with depression will get better but that they themselves won't.  When I started having depression, I was very skeptical that I would get better, even though all the clincial studies I read were to the contrary, and I would argue with my therapist and my psychiatrist that I would never get better to a meaningful degree. 

Regarding self-help, my understanding is that before people see a therapist for a while, self-help methods can often be ineffective and frustrating.    Sometimes, the best one can do is take a day (or moment) at a time until one's symptoms improve with treatment, hopefully being somewhat distracted by daily activities.  

At a good site for depression, UndoingDepression.com, the following advice is given on its page of mood-changing activities:



> If you're really feeling seriously depressed, please don't beat yourself up if you don't have the motivation to try any of these ideas. Depression is an illness we can't control; just wait to try until things start to feel a little better.
> 
> Mood Changers - UndoingDepression.com



Also, depression-related apathy usually improves as one's underlying depression gets better with treatment.


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## Needing_Help

Thanks a lot for your support and patience Daniel.

My depression is sort of brought on by my emotional apathy; I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it. I guess it's a vicious cycle.

I manage to keep myself busy pretty well - writing, keeping an online diary (which is basically open for all my friends' entertainment and therefore very unreflective of how I feel), talking a lot on messenger...


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## Needing_Help

Thanks a lot for your support and patience Daniel.

My depression is sort of brought on by my emotional apathy; I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it. I guess it's a vicious cycle.

I manage to keep myself busy pretty well - writing, keeping an online diary (which is basically open for all my friends' entertainment and therefore very unreflective of how I feel), talking a lot on messenger...


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## David Baxter PhD

Do you also keep an offline diary? You could be more honest if you were the only one reading it...


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## David Baxter PhD

Do you also keep an offline diary? You could be more honest if you were the only one reading it...


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## Mattius_

Hey buddy.

I'm 19 years old, I dont have any degrees, I dont have much life experience, but I have been depressed before. I can say that I dont think I was ever as depressed as you, but I was (and still sometimes am) depressed.

First of all, you sound like a guy who is aware of his own ignorance, meaning that you know that sometimes your logic can be flawed, and you may not always be right. I think that is a huge strength, and I think some of the greatest minds this world has ever seen couldnt stop wondering about this and that in their own thoughts. In other words, I think the true key to wisdom is uncertainty in one's own thinking. In light of that fact, I think we should take a look at something you had to say.

I read through your posts and I ran across something you said that kind of stuck out at me. You said that 



> I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it.



I have learned in my own time that making assumptions like these is apart of the problem. What you are doing is trying to look at all of the variables in your life and stacking them up on a trend line in an attempt to find the 'what should be.' You then take the 'what should be' and compare it to the reality (what you are going through right now) and you see a huge gap. I think this is the wrong way to go about things because we both know that we are both very young and that we have no idea of 'what should be.' We are young, we are inexperienced, there are too many variables to take into account. Basically, I am trying to say that in light of the fact that we know we are ignorant, we should not try to even think about the 'what should be' at all. Only look at the 'what is', meaning the reality of things. Nothing else matters.

I know sometimes it is hard not to think that your mind is the problem, but I dont think that is the case with most instances of depression. Depression usually comes from something outside the mind (for example, something that happend to you when you were young), it doesnt usually come from the inside. The very fact that you know something is critically wrong points to the fact that your mind has the abilitity to think about and solve problems! 

The true test of mental ability is whether or not your mind can figure out how to climb out of the hole that you are in. Consider it a challenge to find the solutions, because curing yourself is not easy. There are some large obstacles in your way, but if you overcome those obstacles, you will gain everything that is needed to have a fulfilling life. If you do make it out, (which for a 15 year old you sound very able to do so) you will be stronger than everyone else. Look at it this way, only a few people are fortunate enough to have huge obstacles in front of them. Conquering obstacles (like the ones you have in front of you) will give you the strength to do anything you would ever want to. Isnt that something to be hopeful for? Isnt that something to look forward to?

Lastly, and on a different note, seeking help requires both good communication skills and good effort to comprehend on both sides in order to fully understand eachother. Read my words and everyone else's words carefully(and ask questions if need be), and make sure that your words are being put in the right way. I'm not saying you havent been doing that well already, I'm just saying that it is something you should always be thinking about and striving for. I'm pretty sure that I'll have to clarify on a few things, because I am still unable to communicate well enough sometimes, particularly the part about 'should be' paragraph. Anyways it is late, and I'll try to re-word it later for a better understanding.


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## Mattius_

Hey buddy.

I'm 19 years old, I dont have any degrees, I dont have much life experience, but I have been depressed before. I can say that I dont think I was ever as depressed as you, but I was (and still sometimes am) depressed.

First of all, you sound like a guy who is aware of his own ignorance, meaning that you know that sometimes your logic can be flawed, and you may not always be right. I think that is a huge strength, and I think some of the greatest minds this world has ever seen couldnt stop wondering about this and that in their own thoughts. In other words, I think the true key to wisdom is uncertainty in one's own thinking. In light of that fact, I think we should take a look at something you had to say.

I read through your posts and I ran across something you said that kind of stuck out at me. You said that 



> I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it.



I have learned in my own time that making assumptions like these is apart of the problem. What you are doing is trying to look at all of the variables in your life and stacking them up on a trend line in an attempt to find the 'what should be.' You then take the 'what should be' and compare it to the reality (what you are going through right now) and you see a huge gap. I think this is the wrong way to go about things because we both know that we are both very young and that we have no idea of 'what should be.' We are young, we are inexperienced, there are too many variables to take into account. Basically, I am trying to say that in light of the fact that we know we are ignorant, we should not try to even think about the 'what should be' at all. Only look at the 'what is', meaning the reality of things. Nothing else matters.

I know sometimes it is hard not to think that your mind is the problem, but I dont think that is the case with most instances of depression. Depression usually comes from something outside the mind (for example, something that happend to you when you were young), it doesnt usually come from the inside. The very fact that you know something is critically wrong points to the fact that your mind has the abilitity to think about and solve problems! 

The true test of mental ability is whether or not your mind can figure out how to climb out of the hole that you are in. Consider it a challenge to find the solutions, because curing yourself is not easy. There are some large obstacles in your way, but if you overcome those obstacles, you will gain everything that is needed to have a fulfilling life. If you do make it out, (which for a 15 year old you sound very able to do so) you will be stronger than everyone else. Look at it this way, only a few people are fortunate enough to have huge obstacles in front of them. Conquering obstacles (like the ones you have in front of you) will give you the strength to do anything you would ever want to. Isnt that something to be hopeful for? Isnt that something to look forward to?

Lastly, and on a different note, seeking help requires both good communication skills and good effort to comprehend on both sides in order to fully understand eachother. Read my words and everyone else's words carefully(and ask questions if need be), and make sure that your words are being put in the right way. I'm not saying you havent been doing that well already, I'm just saying that it is something you should always be thinking about and striving for. I'm pretty sure that I'll have to clarify on a few things, because I am still unable to communicate well enough sometimes, particularly the part about 'should be' paragraph. Anyways it is late, and I'll try to re-word it later for a better understanding.


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## Needing_Help

I don't think I would ever have the motivation to write an offline diary. My online diary is basically just a bit of a laugh and generally (slightly) exaggerated (but not greatly so - everyone from school usually reads it). For instance, this was today's entry (I'm blanking out all the names). It's all quite subject-orientated, and some is a little inappropriate as humour goes, but none of it is meant to be offensive - some stuff is pretty rough but again, not written to be offensively (I'm fully asian - this first part is when we had to write debates on discussing whether the entire Metropolitan police should be armed).



"Please raise your hands if you're black. Or brown. Or Chinese, or Muslim, or Jewish or can't trace your British blood back three generations. You know, the permanent guests. On your bike. When are you going back to Pakistan?"

Those were the first words uttered out of mouth in English today. 

Oh shit. 

I sounded like a little girl on helium. My speech was like a minute and a half long, but felt like Strom Thurmond's 24-hour filibuster on civil rights (didn't he need to use the bathroom once - seriously how the fuck did he manage?? ). I had hoped R**** would laugh at the beginning or something, because it was really, really awkward for the next five seconds in which I stood there, thinking, "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have said this". Some people looked mortified, some people thought I was a desperate attention grabber, some people just didn't get it all and gave me haunting stares. I might as well have said "Who wants pot?" and started handing out samples. There's always next time.

I don't know why I did it. Probably because everything I would have brought up had already been said and done - the resultant gun culture, the mistakes, the authoritarian aspect, the police psychological errors (including the murder of Charles de Menciez, the cost, the waste, the uselessness of carrying unusable weapons, the increasing of tension, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.

So it all came down to firefights in the ghetto of Kensington and Chelsea with the LAPD and the British National Party. Police racism...

Oh well, at least I probably made an impact on everybody listening. I don't think I possibly couldn't have.

In Chemistry I think I almost fell asleep three times. It wasn't because the lesson was uninteresting (it was, but then and again, it's Chemistry) - just that the classroon was really, really hot and slumber simply overcame me. Maths was fun for the second time in a row (setting records here) - sitting next to G** again and cracking some of the worst jokes known to mankind is a lot more fun than you'd think (as well as acting retarded - all in a really camp lisp while looking at Doc. M******* drawing quartic graphs - "those graphs are sooo smooth, lets draw some!!" etc).

My not-so-secret crush on L**** completely vanished today (for those of you that don't know, the uber-hot German assisstant(e) - sssss!) when she gave me a 2- for my private sessions with her. Grr. She ripped my heart out -  I was being completely serious when I said I played with little children in my spare time, and liked to fly my hovercraft in my garden (thank you H****). I'm through with liking her! She's not worth my love and attention, let alone my fucking hovercraft.

I got my Star of David today. It's so pretty (but a little small). Score. I now just need something to put it round my neck, and I will be officially one step closer to being Jewish than I previously was. Mazel Tov (to me - can I say that?).

Anyway, psychologist visit today. Alright, I guess - better than last week. More later, I'm not in the mood of discussing the fucked-upness of my inner-brain - it would take up volumes and volumes and be worth millions to cranium-greedy psychologists (hopefully not my actual brain - just the volumes, but I'm sure my brain will be worth a lot to them too, just that it's not currently for sale and won't be in the near future unless I can acquire a better one).

Anyway, I have homework or something.

Take Care.

*****




Anyway, Mattius, thank you for your advice, I do understand pretty well what you're saying. I know I should have a pretty good life because I have a really caring mother, a supporting brother, plenty of friends that should mean a lot more to me than they do. I agree though that it is unhelpful to always look at what isn't, except to aim for it.

I desperately want to climb the obstacles in my way, and I hope I can do it, and it is something to look forward to. I just hope I have the mental strength and the ability to do it...

I will try my best.

My meeting with my school psychologist was better. I think I will go to a proper psychologist from his recommendation; hopefully I will be able to improve my condition. He says I can and I will - I hope so to.

This last statement sounds a little more optimistic than I am, but nevertheless, I'm beginning to have a little more hope.

You don't need to reword it. I've understood pretty well. Thank you.


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## Needing_Help

I don't think I would ever have the motivation to write an offline diary. My online diary is basically just a bit of a laugh and generally (slightly) exaggerated (but not greatly so - everyone from school usually reads it). For instance, this was today's entry (I'm blanking out all the names). It's all quite subject-orientated, and some is a little inappropriate as humour goes, but none of it is meant to be offensive - some stuff is pretty rough but again, not written to be offensively (I'm fully asian - this first part is when we had to write debates on discussing whether the entire Metropolitan police should be armed).



"Please raise your hands if you're black. Or brown. Or Chinese, or Muslim, or Jewish or can't trace your British blood back three generations. You know, the permanent guests. On your bike. When are you going back to Pakistan?"

Those were the first words uttered out of mouth in English today. 

Oh shit. 

I sounded like a little girl on helium. My speech was like a minute and a half long, but felt like Strom Thurmond's 24-hour filibuster on civil rights (didn't he need to use the bathroom once - seriously how the fuck did he manage?? ). I had hoped R**** would laugh at the beginning or something, because it was really, really awkward for the next five seconds in which I stood there, thinking, "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have said this". Some people looked mortified, some people thought I was a desperate attention grabber, some people just didn't get it all and gave me haunting stares. I might as well have said "Who wants pot?" and started handing out samples. There's always next time.

I don't know why I did it. Probably because everything I would have brought up had already been said and done - the resultant gun culture, the mistakes, the authoritarian aspect, the police psychological errors (including the murder of Charles de Menciez, the cost, the waste, the uselessness of carrying unusable weapons, the increasing of tension, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.

So it all came down to firefights in the ghetto of Kensington and Chelsea with the LAPD and the British National Party. Police racism...

Oh well, at least I probably made an impact on everybody listening. I don't think I possibly couldn't have.

In Chemistry I think I almost fell asleep three times. It wasn't because the lesson was uninteresting (it was, but then and again, it's Chemistry) - just that the classroon was really, really hot and slumber simply overcame me. Maths was fun for the second time in a row (setting records here) - sitting next to G** again and cracking some of the worst jokes known to mankind is a lot more fun than you'd think (as well as acting retarded - all in a really camp lisp while looking at Doc. M******* drawing quartic graphs - "those graphs are sooo smooth, lets draw some!!" etc).

My not-so-secret crush on L**** completely vanished today (for those of you that don't know, the uber-hot German assisstant(e) - sssss!) when she gave me a 2- for my private sessions with her. Grr. She ripped my heart out -  I was being completely serious when I said I played with little children in my spare time, and liked to fly my hovercraft in my garden (thank you H****). I'm through with liking her! She's not worth my love and attention, let alone my fucking hovercraft.

I got my Star of David today. It's so pretty (but a little small). Score. I now just need something to put it round my neck, and I will be officially one step closer to being Jewish than I previously was. Mazel Tov (to me - can I say that?).

Anyway, psychologist visit today. Alright, I guess - better than last week. More later, I'm not in the mood of discussing the fucked-upness of my inner-brain - it would take up volumes and volumes and be worth millions to cranium-greedy psychologists (hopefully not my actual brain - just the volumes, but I'm sure my brain will be worth a lot to them too, just that it's not currently for sale and won't be in the near future unless I can acquire a better one).

Anyway, I have homework or something.

Take Care.

*****




Anyway, Mattius, thank you for your advice, I do understand pretty well what you're saying. I know I should have a pretty good life because I have a really caring mother, a supporting brother, plenty of friends that should mean a lot more to me than they do. I agree though that it is unhelpful to always look at what isn't, except to aim for it.

I desperately want to climb the obstacles in my way, and I hope I can do it, and it is something to look forward to. I just hope I have the mental strength and the ability to do it...

I will try my best.

My meeting with my school psychologist was better. I think I will go to a proper psychologist from his recommendation; hopefully I will be able to improve my condition. He says I can and I will - I hope so to.

This last statement sounds a little more optimistic than I am, but nevertheless, I'm beginning to have a little more hope.

You don't need to reword it. I've understood pretty well. Thank you.


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## Needing_Help

Hey.

I've seen the school therapist, and I was recommended to another counsellor, and I'm being recommended to a psychiatrist now I think.

I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to think.

Yesterday I had a huge crying session with my mother about both our lives... I was crying for at least half an hour, but in my heart it didn't hurt at all.

That happens occasionally.

I might have depersonalization or something - they aren't sure. Can someone explain what that is?

If anyone is able to help me figure out what's going on, I'd be more than grateful.

Thank you.


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## Needing_Help

Hey.

I've seen the school therapist, and I was recommended to another counsellor, and I'm being recommended to a psychiatrist now I think.

I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to think.

Yesterday I had a huge crying session with my mother about both our lives... I was crying for at least half an hour, but in my heart it didn't hurt at all.

That happens occasionally.

I might have depersonalization or something - they aren't sure. Can someone explain what that is?

If anyone is able to help me figure out what's going on, I'd be more than grateful.

Thank you.


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## Daniel

Depersonalization as a symptom seems quite common:



> Depersonalization is the third most common psychiatric symptom and frequently occurs in life-threatening danger, such as accidents, assaults, and serious illnesses and injuries; it can occur as a symptom in many other psychiatric disorders and in seizure disorders. As a separate disorder, depersonalization has not been studied widely, and its incidence and cause are unknown.
> 
> Depersonalization Disorder - Merck Manual





> The distinguishing characteristic of depersonalization disorder is the feeling that one is going through the motions of life, or that one's body or self is disconnected or unreal. Mind or body may be perceived as unattached, seen from a distance, existing in a dream, or mechanical. Such experiences are persistent and recurrent, and lead to distress and dysfunction. Chronic depersonalization is commonly accompanied by "derealization," the feeling that features of the environment are illusory. It should be noted that characteristics attributed to depersonalization disorder must be independent of any kind of substance abuse. It should also be noted that depersonalization as an isolated symptom may appear within the context of a wide variety of major psychiatric disorders. For example, mild episodes of depersonalization in otherwise normally functioning individuals have been reported following alcohol use, sensory deprivation, mild social or emotional stress or sleep deprivation, and as a side effect to medications. However, severe depersonalization is considered to be present only if the sense of detachment associated with the disorder is recurrent and predominant.
> 
> Understanding the Dissociative Disorders by Marlene Steinberg, M.D.


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## Daniel

Depersonalization as a symptom seems quite common:



> Depersonalization is the third most common psychiatric symptom and frequently occurs in life-threatening danger, such as accidents, assaults, and serious illnesses and injuries; it can occur as a symptom in many other psychiatric disorders and in seizure disorders. As a separate disorder, depersonalization has not been studied widely, and its incidence and cause are unknown.
> 
> Depersonalization Disorder - Merck Manual





> The distinguishing characteristic of depersonalization disorder is the feeling that one is going through the motions of life, or that one's body or self is disconnected or unreal. Mind or body may be perceived as unattached, seen from a distance, existing in a dream, or mechanical. Such experiences are persistent and recurrent, and lead to distress and dysfunction. Chronic depersonalization is commonly accompanied by "derealization," the feeling that features of the environment are illusory. It should be noted that characteristics attributed to depersonalization disorder must be independent of any kind of substance abuse. It should also be noted that depersonalization as an isolated symptom may appear within the context of a wide variety of major psychiatric disorders. For example, mild episodes of depersonalization in otherwise normally functioning individuals have been reported following alcohol use, sensory deprivation, mild social or emotional stress or sleep deprivation, and as a side effect to medications. However, severe depersonalization is considered to be present only if the sense of detachment associated with the disorder is recurrent and predominant.
> 
> Understanding the Dissociative Disorders by Marlene Steinberg, M.D.


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## Needing_Help

I don't know if I might have been wrongly diagnosed though... I have looked at the symptoms of depersonalisation and seem to be a little more solid... I do not ever feel outside of my body in any way, or detached from it particularly.



here are things I have noticed about myself as potential symptoms...

emotional detachment from everyone and everything (almost complete)

being unable to recognise my own appearance (I don;t have a mental picture of myself in my head, and am sometimes surprised when I look into a mirror)

occasional depression (I can only sometimes notice it and feel it in the background)

physical reactions to things which do not cause mental emotions (a huge session of crying, for instance, without any attached mental pain (or a rapid beating of my heart without mental nervousness attached, in a situation I should have been nervous in)

a complete lack of sexual interest, or crushes

a reluctance to socialise with people some of the time

any feelings tend to be usually brought on by physical discomfort (I find it easier to get angry when in physical pain, such as having hair pulled etcm or feel sad when listening to music)

Common headaches

Occasional obsessions, such as with politics (though actual policies don't mean anything to me, I can spend hours looking at various websites etc)

Sleep varies between 5 and 7 hours a night typically.

Difficulty visualising things (for instance, if a relative broke a leg, I wouldn't be able to visualise it at all). Things don't really bring meaning to me... for instance, it would not shock me if someone in my family died (and this has happened previously too - I think it comes from my lack of being able to grasp the concept)

Lack of purpose and meaning in life.

Consistent bad memories, especially concerning other people.

I used to be strongly emotionally involved in the sense that when I was a small child, I used to stay up all night for fear of monsters in my room, and got nightmares very easily. We have also always had a difficult family situation -  my parents are getting divorced, and it has been unpleasant for many years, although I don't seem to remember this bothering me.


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## David Baxter PhD

Some of that sounds like the blunted affect of anhedonia, a sympton of depression. 

There is a related syndrome called *derealization*:



> Definitions of derealization on the Web:
> 
> a sense that reality has changed, detachment from ones own surroundings.
> http://www.finr.com/glossary.html
> 
> An alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems strange or unreal (eg, people may seem unfamiliar or mechanical).
> IndianPsychiatry.com is available at DomainMarket.com
> 
> In psychiatry, depersonalization (or derealization) is the experience of feelings of loss of a sense of reality. A sufferer feels that they have changed and the world has become less real â€” it is vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. A sufferer is divorced from both the world and from their own identity and physicality. Often times the person who has experienced this disorder claims that life "feels like a movie, things seem unreal, or hazy. ...
> Derealization - Wikipedia


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## Needing_Help

But I was thinking these symptoms don't necessarily correspond to me.

It seems I have some of the symptoms for depression too;

I have poor concentration, generally irregular appetite, and (more in the past) have felt down and worthless - I have felt unhuman. 

I also used to look (and sometimes still do) at myself in the mirror for long periods of time (say 1/2 an hour at the time almost, but while doing other things), although this might have been usual teenage vanity. 

I also spend a lot of the time daydreaming.


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## Needing_Help

My mum has just gone hysterical on me.


She just said she hates me, I'm an attention seeker (because I wrote on my online diary once that I saw a psychologist, I've sucked her blood dry and shes hit me. She's screamed at me hysterically, sprayed spit in my face, and told me to leave the house tomorrow.

I told her this is the reason why I'm unstable, she yelled she doesn't care several times at me.

This is because I told her not to write emails to her friends telling them that I was seeing therapists.

This isn't the first time this sort if thing has happened. I don't know what to do. Help!

Is she wrong or not? I don't know anymore


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## David Baxter PhD

Her behavior wasn't appropriate, of course. Period.

On the other hand, people do sometimes say and do things tghey don't mean in the heat of a conflict. And there may have been a more tactful or less accusatory way for you to request that she respect your privacy (emails to her friends) that perhaps could have led to a different outcome.

I find in many families where these sorts of all-out conflicts occur regularly it's often not a question of "right" or "wrong" or "who's to blame" but more one of breaking a dysfunctional pattern of communication that has evolved within the family and finding different ways of talking and listening to one another.


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## Needing_Help

she knows thats what hurts me and she has said it several times (I don't love you anymore etc). She always reopens old wounds and makes things worse.

She keeps saying i swore at her (yes i did, but that was in the past, say six months ago, and she deserved it).

My throat hurts really badly, my eyes are red and tears stream down my cheeks, but my heart doesn't ache.

I don't understand why...


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## David Baxter PhD

Your mind is trying to seal off the hurt behind a closed door, to minimize the pain you're feeling.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not justifying or excusing her behavior or what she said to you. There is a different between explaining some behavior and excusing it. All I'm trying to suggest is that there may be something in the way you and your mom communicate and interact that just isn't working - you trigger her and she triggers you. Perhaps this is something to talk to your therapist about.


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## Needing_Help

thank you.

I think that's probably right.

I was just thinking, I have memory problems sometimes too... is that a symptom of anything?

I have been playing piano for a long time and am at a fairly advanced standard (I play for about half an hour a day), but can't remember the name of a piece I've been playing for the past 3, or how they start.

It sometimes takes me 2 seconds or so to remember what my name is (this is rare), and I can't visualise myself and how I look like.

I don't know who I am.

Does that indicate something?


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## David Baxter PhD

It *might* be indicative of any one of several things, but if I were your doctor/therapist I'd start with the most simple explanations first - I'd be looking at the fact that there is a lot of conflict, stress, tension, distress, pain, etc., etc., in your life at the moment and your attempts to manage all of them are taking a lot of psychological energy and resources away from simple tasks like remembering names, dates, numbers, etc.


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## Needing_Help

this may sound like a stupid question, and it probably is, but will I ever get better?

I can't see myself ever any different.

I don't know if I can be helped by anyone...


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## David Baxter PhD

Yes. The only thing that can stop you from "getting better" is giving up...


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## zeborah

Dear Needing Help,  Don't give up, you will get better.  Just keep striving and understand that those of us with menatal illness will always have to struggle.  But we can lead healthy lives.  We just have to perservere more which probably makes us more self-aware, more insightful in life and much more knowledgeable.


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