# Lost and listless



## Lost (Sep 22, 2005)

I'm new to this site so don't know if I'll even find where I've posted this, if it goes up, but we'll give it a try I suppose.

Ok... <sigh> where do I start...?

It's such a relief to find a forum where I can be anonymous and REAL, and not have to act out like my life is fine.

I don't know if I'm depressed or not, and I don't know if I want to know.  Something about labelling scares me, especially since so much of a person's make-up is in their mind.  

I was reading this whole long article about lesbians, some psycho... something, (highly qualified with lots of letters after her name) had done an extensive survey on the lesbians she had done therapy with and others in the field too... and she came to this fascinating conclusion, drawing from her (and other professional's) experience... all about these women craving that kind of relationship because of several reasons... one of which was that they had no relationship - or no healthy relationship - with their mother.  So in the article she was going into detail, how crucial a mother is to a growing girl, how the girl learns to form opinions and learns to socialize and stuff based on this relationship...

Now I'm not a lesbian but after reading all about it I probably should have been...  My mother was very negative about me, always criticising, never loving, especially never physically affectionate which was something I sorely missed...  

I was comparing myself to my friend who's mother ran off with another guy when she was only 4 and abandoned her completely... and I ended up being a lot more messed up than she.  My theory is this is because altho she didn't haev a mother at all, and I did, my mother was so negative about me, that I figure it was worse.  Better absence, than constant criticism...?

I don't know...

I don't even know why I'm waffling like this on my first post.  I'm tired now.  I wanted really to be able to discuss some issues here and hopefully find support from some likeminded people but right now it feels like there are far too many issues and I can't be bothered to start with any of them really.

so.. just ignore me please till I have something usefull to say!


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## Lost (Sep 22, 2005)

I'm new to this site so don't know if I'll even find where I've posted this, if it goes up, but we'll give it a try I suppose.

Ok... <sigh> where do I start...?

It's such a relief to find a forum where I can be anonymous and REAL, and not have to act out like my life is fine.

I don't know if I'm depressed or not, and I don't know if I want to know.  Something about labelling scares me, especially since so much of a person's make-up is in their mind.  

I was reading this whole long article about lesbians, some psycho... something, (highly qualified with lots of letters after her name) had done an extensive survey on the lesbians she had done therapy with and others in the field too... and she came to this fascinating conclusion, drawing from her (and other professional's) experience... all about these women craving that kind of relationship because of several reasons... one of which was that they had no relationship - or no healthy relationship - with their mother.  So in the article she was going into detail, how crucial a mother is to a growing girl, how the girl learns to form opinions and learns to socialize and stuff based on this relationship...

Now I'm not a lesbian but after reading all about it I probably should have been...  My mother was very negative about me, always criticising, never loving, especially never physically affectionate which was something I sorely missed...  

I was comparing myself to my friend who's mother ran off with another guy when she was only 4 and abandoned her completely... and I ended up being a lot more messed up than she.  My theory is this is because altho she didn't haev a mother at all, and I did, my mother was so negative about me, that I figure it was worse.  Better absence, than constant criticism...?

I don't know...

I don't even know why I'm waffling like this on my first post.  I'm tired now.  I wanted really to be able to discuss some issues here and hopefully find support from some likeminded people but right now it feels like there are far too many issues and I can't be bothered to start with any of them really.

so.. just ignore me please till I have something usefull to say!


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 23, 2005)

Two points come to mind:

1. The theory you describe about sexual orientation has little real evidence to support it. The bit about the importance of parents as models for developing children and teens is correct, however... for better or for worse.

2. I would agree that an absent parent can be in many cases better than a present but constantly critical or negative parent for the child.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 23, 2005)

Two points come to mind:

1. The theory you describe about sexual orientation has little real evidence to support it. The bit about the importance of parents as models for developing children and teens is correct, however... for better or for worse.

2. I would agree that an absent parent can be in many cases better than a present but constantly critical or negative parent for the child.


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## redstar (Oct 24, 2005)

Dear Lost,

just want to say that i read your message and want you to know that these are feelings i can relate to.  The criticising mother, the wish to finally express your own self and be accepted and loved for that.
I've found myself in life attracted to being around the more nurturing mothering personalities which serves in some way to help me through not having had that waltons family loving environment as a child.
Hope that this helps in some way.....


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## Lost (Nov 2, 2005)

Dear Redstar,
Thank you for your message.  It's always nice knowing someone can relate to you.  

And I have to let this out, this is me venting, directing it to no-one in particular:

The sickest, sickest, most REVOLTING thing I'm having to cope with now, and it makes me ILL when I think about it... is that my mother - who was SO CLUELESS, so cold, so unloving, so hypocritical, constantly criticising, losing her temper with me, and who was just about the least caring, least interested mother, a mother could ever possibly get... It's largely thanks to her that I have to waste my life getting over my childhood, seeing a therapist because I'm so messed up... unable to move on and stuck in this rut... so she's been doing these courses and been getting more and more qualified in psychological areas - I never want to talk about it with her coz it makes me sooooo ill - and NOW SHE is GIVING a course on PARENTING!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!?!?!

And just to prove that it's not just me who's messed up thanks to being a complex person - I have a younger sibling who is also VERY badly messed up.  It's obvious that she's made serious mistakes with her own parenting - altho both my sibling and I put on an act for the world so most people don't know that there's much damage, never mind the extent of the damage...  and my poor sibling is in a horrible, horrible place within herself and my heart bleeds for her it's so sad to see... altho it's also reasssuring for me that thank god I've made progress from that stage.  altho of course I've got another 95% of my recovery journey to travel.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 2, 2005)

Who said "Those that can, do... those that can't, teach"?

That of course isn't universally true but like most quips there's a bit of truth in it somewhere.


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## Lost (Nov 3, 2005)

Thanks.
That provides 'a bit' of relief.
As much as that 'bit' of truth is true...

Oh... just the thought of it really makes me ill.

And the fact that she probably thinks she's done a terrific job with me and sibling too since we are known for our .... skill, and we appear to be very happy confident people... so it just sickens me that she's feeling all smug and self-righteous and EVEN LECTURING OTHER PEOPLE on parenting, and probably feeling like she's perfectly entitled, I mean people can see for themselves how 'successful' she's been with her own kids!  
So by me hating her, despising her, from age 12 and up, and deciding that despite the fact that my mother has been the biggest b**ch of a mother, I will be successful and prove her wrong, and show her I am a good person, who can succeed too... so now I'm well respected and well known in my field DESPITE her miserable lack of mothering and worse, NOW SHE IS RIDING ON MY SUCCESSES and feeling all good about herself thinking "well people can see my successful children and see that I'm perfectly entitled to be teaching about parenting since I did such a great job!"

it's just sick sick sick...

(and I can't be bothered with grammar, I'm feeling to ill about this all.  hope it'snot terribly unclear.)


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