# Hello need help and some advice



## Caligirl (Jul 12, 2010)

Hi 
I guess I can start by saying that I used to be a happy person but now I am stuck In something I feel I can't get out of.I am here for some help and some advice on my situation anybody help

Caligirl


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## Banned (Jul 12, 2010)

Hi Caligirl,

Welcome to Psychlinks.  

Your post is rather vague, but if you can elaborate a little, I'm sure someone can help you as best as they're able.


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## Retired (Jul 12, 2010)

Welcome to Psychlinks, Callgirl.  As has been said, if you would care to provide more details about your situation, we may be able ot offer some insights.



> stuck In something I feel I can't get out of



What is limiting your options?


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 12, 2010)

Welcome to Psychlinks, Caligirl.


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## Caligirl (Jul 13, 2010)

*Need help can't take it anymore!*

Hi everyone who reads this I need to vent can't take it anymore. This is my situation right now I live with my fianc? and my 19 year old daughter. We have been together two years and engaged for almost a year. I have known from the beginning that he has had some anger issues he has a bad temper.

He lost his job about almost two years ago and can't find work in between all of this time his brother past away and my fianc? had back surgery last September and ever since then he has been a wreck I mean I understand that he had a rough year last year. And ever since then everything that happens is my fault I can't take all of this anymore I am the only one working trying to keep up with everything and it's so hard.

He tells me that I am the one that makes him unhappy and that I am a miserable person. Who wouldn't be unhappy if all the responsibilities relied on them. I just don't know what to do he won't do nothing and blames me for everything he doesn't have insurance anymore so he can not get any therapy I just can't live like this anymore and I feel like I'm stuck and have no way out I don't know how to deal with him anymore 

For instance this past 4th of July we were supposed to have a BBQ and he was mad cuz he said I took to long in the shower and it was too late to have a BBQ and to not blame him for that and to make sure that my daughter know that it was my fault and he was going to move out and we got into a huge arguement and once again it was all my fault all I here is you you you. I don't know how to deal with this or what to do anymore can't live like this anymore help me I am so depressed, hurt, and everyother emotion you can think of sorry so long I just had to vent and there is so much more


Caligirl


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## Retired (Jul 13, 2010)

> He tells me that I am the one that makes him unhappy and that I am a miserable person..... have known from the beginning that he has had some anger issues he has a bad temper.



Is this man physically abusive to you and/or to your daughter?  Is he the reason you stated earlier : 





> I am stuck In something I feel I can't get out of



No one should ever be made to feel they are inadequate, and that they are the cause for someone else's shortcomings.  That behaviour comes under the title: ABUSE

Why are you committed to this relationship, if the relationship is a source of sorrow, unhappiness and perhaps terror for you and your daughter?

Do you have access to a health care provider, legal counsel, a Womens' Shelter?


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## Caligirl (Jul 13, 2010)

Hi Steve no he is not physically abusive to me or my daughter but he is mentally abusive he likes to say hurtful things to me I just don't have any where to go.

I do have health insurance and am going to seek the help of a therapist. I thank you for your quick response and advice I am just so lost on what to do he has tore me down my self esteem everything and I have always been such a happy vibrant fun loving person I never said I wad perfect but I know I am not a bad person like the way he makes me feel.


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## Retired (Jul 13, 2010)

Abusers frequently try putting their partners off balance by attacks on self esteem and self confidence.  No one deserves to have to tolearte that kind of behaviour, and you would do well to extricate yourself from there until this man agrees to get therapy, modify his behaviour and demonstrate that changed behaviour to you before you should even consider resuming a relationship.

Abusers usually escalate their abuse to the point where the abused partner becomes injured or killed.

Use the time and resources you have at your disposal to find a Womens' shelter, and figure out a strategy to save yourself and your daughter.


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## Always Changing (Jul 14, 2010)

> I don't know how to deal with him anymore


Stop trying, in this situation your efforts are only giving him fuel for his anger and frustration.  You have got to start thinking only of you and your daughter here.  You have given enough of yourself to this man and even though you believe that you love him ( I am assuming this of course) you have to get out of there.
You mentioned above 





> and he was going to move out


   maybe you can put this to him?   Or someday just pack up his bags and leave them outside the door,  then change the locks,   Obviously I don't know if you moved in with him or the other way around.  Who's name is on the lease?    sometimes that does not matter but if it was at all possible for him to move out  and give you some space that would be good.

As Steve said use your time to get the help you need to keep yourself and your daughter safe.  I am sure you can find help numbers in your local phonebook or by looking online for them.  
Please Don't put this off, you deserve so much better than this life.


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## Caligirl (Jul 14, 2010)

Thank you so much for your advice I know what I need to do I will seek the help I need and start thinking of me all of my life I have had to
take care of others and put my needs to the side now that my daughter is older (she is 19 and in community college) 

Just last night he started to argue with me and I ignored him which made him even more mad. He says that I am not caring enough for him I am not feminine I don't show him enough affection how can I do that if he is always pissed off at the world but then it has to be my fault.

He was trying to open a web based business I helped him as much as I could but I work so there is only so much that I can do besides he blames me because it's not working out the way he wants it to be. 

I want him to leave but the thing is I can not afford the house on my own so I am going to have to leave but I have no place to go so I feel like I am stuck. Same thing with him he has no job and hardly no source of income he makes me not want to go home and just stay at work. 

Don't know what to do at this point will seek the assistance of a therapist

Thanks 

Caligirl


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## Retired (Jul 14, 2010)

> he has no job and hardly no source of income he makes me not want to go home and just stay at work.



So if I understand correctly, you are the income provider in the house, while he has no job at this time.  In addditon this man abuses you to the point where you return home unwillingly.

Do you see where this sounds like you need to get out of a bad relationship?

It is not clear if your daughter is in school or is also an income earner, but if you are earning an income, are you in control of your own money?  Do you have savings over which you have full contriol?

Abusive relationships are never healthy and eventually become dangerous if not lethal for the abused partner.

You are an intelligent woman, who is obviously wanting to better your life situation.  As has been mentioned, seek out a Womens Shelter or support organization in your community, and using your income, find a place to live within your means away from the abuser.

Once you have your independence, if this man truly loves you and wishes to pursue a relationship, you must insist he gets help for his anger issues and prove to you over time he has changed his bahaviour.  This means not sharing the same house until he has demonstrated for at least six months to a year he is capable of modifying his behaviour to control his anger and not abuse you and/or your daughter.

Your quality of life is too important and valuable to let it be ruined by an abuser.


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