# When no one is there



## forgetmenot

No one is ever there why.


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## David Baxter PhD

Someone is always, ALWAYS there, forgetmenot. You just need to figure out where to look.


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## making_art

We are always....here for you :wave4:


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## Jesse910

Forgetmenot, I, too, used to think that no one was there during my desperate and fearful moments.  I was too embarrassed to ask for help because I felt so ashamed.  I got in the way of much needed help coming to my aid.  When I allowed myself to walk into my fear, help arrived.  I was scared to death by the influx of assistance, but in spite of my trembling fear, various people let me know that I was okay and that they would not abandon me.  For me, it's been many years since those fearful days, but I have never forgotten the shred of courage I found in taking the first step towards others who wanted and did help me.  You are never alone here.  Hang on and continue to trust that you are a valuable human being worthy of love and care.


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## forgetmenot

Thanks Jesse910 you were very strong to do that  thanks for understanding.   I am a little better today


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## desiderata

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. I too am alone. I have a family with two children living at home and in high school. My wife works days and I work nights. At work I am in a different department and have little time to wander off and socialize. So I have people around me every day and see my family on the weekends yet at times feel very lonely. I guess the most important realization I've come to is that if I'm at peace with myself I'm o.k. It's when I think too much then worry and get caught up in my own world that I run into trouble. And I know I am loved. It's hard to keep focus on the positives especially when there is at times turmoil in my life and such turmoil every day in the world. Keep calm and carry on.


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## forgetmenot

your right there is always someone to reach out to when one has courage.


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## texasgirl

The hardest thing for me to do is get out of my house because of fear.  When I do get out, even if I have to remain reclusive ( ie sitting alone in a restaurant or library close to a wall) I don't feel so alone.  Even going to Walgreens and seeing a smiling face from the clerk helps me to connect.  With my family I plan short visits and leave when I start getting anxious or fearful.  Maybe even reaching out in these small ways can give some relief from feeling so alone honey.

TG


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## desiderata

To connect with people via these forums is always an option albeit not the only one. You/we still need face-to-face interaction.


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## Jesse910

Texasgirl, you reminded me that sometimes just sitting off to the side and watching people engage within their normal activities actually helps us feel connected and better.  In my darkest days of depression, I use to go over to my Mom's house and watch her wash dishes or vacuum.  Just knowing that life went on and seeing that others were coping with it enabled me to start believing that I could also.  And, Forgetmenot, you do not have to take giant steps to engage with others.  The "step" is the willingness to move in spite of the fear because it will enable you to receive the healing you need.  It's not giving up the fear, but not allowing it to stymie your healing.  The working goal may be that as you take each step, it will increase your courage.  You can always retreat, but I encourage you to try not to do so.  Please do not beat yourself up other this.  Give yourself permission and take it slowly.

All the best


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## forgetmenot

ya went to therapist  stated same thing  also  stated  when one is going through transitions it will bring back other times of transitions  like when i left home dam

He said also it would be good for me for closure to go to this dinner to honor my retirement  to allow tears to fall to allow the girls to hug me ya right.

Also said to get picutrues of active duty  last days   i will receive a 30 yr pin  something i had to fight to get  as they are discontinuing the pins now but one was found that god. 
I will go  suck it up ones again  i will be ok  i will make myself be ok   dont see Therapist until after ceremony now  3 weeks   
asked him what if i just cannot do this  what do i do   but i know i will be ok  i will

have to go outside ones comfort zone  have to push oneself to do things you don't want to do to heal

i am not her anymore   and i will never be her   i am someone    dam past  dam it for coming back  but i dealt with it then  i will deal with it again

small steps you  are right  sorry tired  oh dear lord  i am tired  thanks to everyone for reaching out ok  
the forums have kept me here for awhile now   

I will miss the contact with my pts  and the staff most  but it is time 

i will have more time to take care of the people who i should be taking care of my family  one day at a time right one hour at a time  one minute at a time
i pray i can call crisis line if it comes down to that.  

thanks again for all you advice and care


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## forgetmenot

trust  is needed to have courage  right
  isolation the feeling of being alone   not true then 
 just a mind set right  but god i feel so alone  
  sorry   just thinking out loud


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## GDPR

Sorry you feel so alone.I understand that feeling.Most of the time,even if I am in a room full of people I still feel alone.Like there's this black void inside that can never be filled.


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## forgetmenot

all one can do is try right is try


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## GDPR

Yes,all we can do is try,forgetmenot.


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## forgetmenot

circle is completed now


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## David Baxter PhD

forgetmenot said:


> circle is completed now



 What does that mean?


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## forgetmenot

it means god  it means  i am no one again   i am no one


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## David Baxter PhD

You are not no one. You are someone.


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## MHealthJo

Please try to change this belief Forgetmenot!! xox

It is an incorrect belief or idea that doesn't make any sense. It is not the truth at all.

It is like a dark-skinned person thinking they are inferior or worth less than a light-skinned person.

xoxo


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## forgetmenot

David Baxter said:


> You are not no one. You are someone.



i don't feel like someone  i feel like that no one that nothing  from long ago  
 I have nothing to hold onto now  i wish i could explain more


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## MHealthJo

When you say, 'I have nothing to hold on to' -

So was your work role more of a sense of security, a sense of grounding?

Or more a sense of worth?

Or both?

xx


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## Banned

What about volunteering now, to give yourself a sense of purpose and meaning?


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## forgetmenot

My work was an escape from reality  it was safe haven so to speak  oh god  i had connections there  i was someone there  i had self worth there  
when i was there  there was no time to think about anything but my work  my patients   i had escape from the pain  the sadness inside me 
it was a way out for awhile you know


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## MHealthJo

Yeah, I see. A lot of different positive functions for you.

Great work for talking about it Forgetmenot and articulating it a bit more.

I guess the main thing to remember is we really can, and will, find other new ways to serve those functions. 

Our therapist can really help us to work out how we are going to do that, and help us through all the challenges of the change.

One thing I wonder about sometimes: I wonder whether some folks may feel guilty or ill at ease, about the new ways of serving those functions though.

You strike me Forgetmenot as someone who is understandably very devoted and caring about your family, and you have a family who have a lot of challenges.

Sometimes,  people in that situation, who could otherwise move more smoothly into new positive things after retirement, might find themselves instead thinking, 'Wait - how can I start some new positive thing for myself or volunteer for strangers, without pay?

Shouldn't I instead be doing this or that for family, if I have time on my hands? Or maybe, will my family think that?'

(They did not have that concern when it was paid work. Because paid work contributes to the house income, financially helps support the family  members, and so they see it as more of a 'necessary responsibility and an obligation'. These type of folks have no trouble with responsibility and obligation! So that makes work seem different to these other things.)

Of course that might not be you. But do you think that factor is possibly a barrier for you, when you consider new ways you can experience those positive things?


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## forgetmenot

My obligation  have been to my family  that is why i was and am so tired   i was bu rning candle at both ends sot to speak   but my work took me away from the sadness of my family.  dam      My first day of retirement i have been up since 545 am  and going non stop until now  looking after my girl then my mother and twin who is not well  
i am so afraid for her  and i feel so guilty   that i do not do more        i can't breath ok  i can't breath  because there is so much sadness  

I eill be expected and rightly do to step up my time now to help out    when all i want to do is to not be here  it is hard for me     
i don't want to see any more or feel any more   i really don't want  to be here   

have a plan and it is almost complete  one more step that is all and that  step will take alot of courage yes  and alot of soul searching but it will be  it has to be 

i um have not been here  no me really for a long time  my career kept me going for awhile until i just had nothing left in me to go on

i am not wanting to fight anymore  i am not wanting to be a carer anymore  i want one thing but i cannot have that until my last step is completed

the circle is completed it is  i started from nothing  and i will end up nothing


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## MHealthJo

I encourage you to keep speaking frankly to your therapist Forgetmenot, as frankly as you have here, about these topics.

While I can only feel for the pain you have been in for a long time, I have to urge you to think about the following two facts:

-There is definitely another way and it is genuinely better. It is just so hard to see, in your position.

- If you left early, would that not sort of render all the help and support you have given to your family, quite undone?

Far better to look after yourself in some new ways and give yourself what you really need, while still supporting your family reasonably and appropriately for your (and their) varying capabilities and situation.

The first option which your mind keeps dangling before you, is very lose-lose for everyone, while the second option is win-win.

But you will need to work openly with your therapist, to avoid falling for the trick.

Sometimes we never get to experience how well the second option can work, for everybody, as for so long we are too afraid to try it... 

Random events, and other peoples choices, that we were not responsible for, that we could not really have prevented, may have also added to the fear. 

Meanwhile, it is just not something we have ever done, we were not taught it early in life - we may have learned the opposite - and we are tricked with a very old illusion, that we do not deserve to make our own needs significant and that is not okay - that it takes away from others.

When in fact, we can make it so that it only gives and gives, and teaches healthy things to others -  lessons they will not do well without.

We do not have to try it in a huge way, straight away. We can try it slowly and carefully, seeing what we can do in small ways or small amounts - only up to the point that seems okay; and we can prove the benefits without risking anything.

Please keep talking about all of this to your therapist and us, Forgetmenot.

Thinking about you a lot.

xox


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## forgetmenot

See my therapist today thanks  MHealthJo  i see only one option  but as you say depression is doing that  i will talk to him as much as  i can


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## MHealthJo

Really great work hanging in there Forgetmenot....... 

So sorry that it is so very hard.

I guess that's the case for many too - many have lived a whole lifetime really of 'hanging in there' - it seems the only thing there is.

Great great work in keeping on, being around for those you love. 

I believe if they had to choose between you
 a) having to do less for them, or 
b) being totally gone because the full pace is not healthy and not possible.....

 I know what they would choose. 
xox


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## Always Changing

I hope you had a good session today Forgetmenot.  

thinking of you.

things do get better ok my friend, they do, .


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## forgetmenot

words would not come out until now
I saw my psychologist and we talked and some tears came 
i did not realize i had been seeing him so long  and that i had been sad so long  4.5yrs  wow
meds again were brought up  hard one but i told him i will talk to my gp on 30th this month
i was upfront i told him my thought  i need one more step to be done
but  he got me to see  i had accomplish things and that not all is as dark as i feel 
how can sadness stay with a person so long  
Thanks for saying things get better AC  i will have to take your word for that  
right now i am just keep me so busy helping my family  so i don't think  
AC i will be ok right  i will be ok  i just have to keep my mind busy   
Hope all is well for you   AC


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## forgetmenot

don't know what to do  ask my gp or not  fight or give in  
i am alone in my mind  this battle so long   it has been going on
i don't see me


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## MHealthJo

What is it that you dont know whether to ask your GP, Forgetmenot?

And what is it that you are afraid of?


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## Budoaiki

Was this about your therapists recommendation that you talk to your GP about meds?


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## MHealthJo

forgetmenot said:


> fight or give in
> this battle so long   it has been going on



What are you fighting, Forgetmenot?

Or, what is fighting against what?

xx

---------- Post Merged at 01:45 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:20 PM ----------

Its so easy to get into confusion, or to start out with confusions which aren't easy to get rid of....

It's so very important to be really sure we are fighting the right battles...... Or, fighting on the right side.... 

Fighting for our true health and true wellbeing and true strength...... not a certain idea or 'concept' of strength...... or a false identity of strength, that does not allow humanity.... does not allow the true, real, genuine range and array and complexity  of our humanity.....ideas that have to be let go..... 

.....they only hurt and exhaust us and beat us down..... they give nothing.... a benefit that is just an illusion........ they take, they just take, not only from us but from our loved ones too.......

We can choose the battle that is best to fight, we can choose the right side.......

We can choose to lay down our arms, or switch side, in some battles.  And find peace.....

Fighting the wrong battles is terribly exhausting, terribly disheartening..... it hurts, and nobody wins..... there are no true spoils....

We can ask for all the help we need, to choose the right battle, and then win. We deserve that.


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## forgetmenot

YEs i was to ask about medication again  and i did  and i stated i did not need them  and she believed me  that  i could cope without them as i have been doing 

I told her i have been seeing a therapist a very long time now  since all this started 5 yrs ago  

i think perhaps sometimes  i am fighting  a losing battle  one within myself    one that says  i don't need anyone  i never have needed anyone  i fight on my own  don't trust anyone  they only harm 

Yet i have been with this therapist a long time so there is trust there some  trust  and i don't know why he has not given up on me  

 i don't know why he hasn't walked away

I have taken enough of his valuable time  i am taking it away from people who need him more  and i do feel guilty about that

i assured my gp i was not going anywhere  i told her of my thoughts but they are just thoughts of wanting a way out

This battle  me against her    me in control against the one that is so dam weak   me not wanting to be one of them   this battle in just inside me  dam 
see  battle is just me  and my mind  and i have to win  i have to have control  strength   
Meds will not help me  they harm me  they are just one more battle i fight  one more battle god  
I don't know I am ok  I am ok  because i have to be ok  i have to be ok  
sorry  


"We can ask for all the help we need, to choose the right battle, and then win. We deserve that."
I wish i could ask for help  i really wish i could   but i cannot   i don't want help i guess  

I have to stay here for them even when my mind says enough already enough
i don't know who me is anymore  i am no one in my mind no one


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## MHealthJo

What is it you are afraid will happen, Forgetmenot, if you ask your therapist for help to change the nature of these battles in your mind?

The thing that you are afraid of -

is it worse than now - worse than the prospect of these ongoing battles?

xox


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## Budoaiki

Forgetmenot,

I respectively disagree, I don't think you've waisted your therapists time your health and well being are just as important as anyone else's. 

That's a battle he's chosen to help you with and meds are a valuable part of the arsenal there's no weakness in following a battle plan.

 In my opinion you are a very caring person, one deserving of all the support you've sought so there's no need to apologize for that or how you feel.


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## forgetmenot

Thank you both for your replies   i am afraid   i don't know  fear  of losing control  fear of becoming so overwhelmed with pain   It is still there god it is still there after all these years  dam it the sadness  the dam sadness  the anger  the guilt the shame  the anger   the anger    don't want to feel  i don't want to feel her pain  i don't want to go there 
and yet  i am not a professional  not anymore     i can't breath   fear  of losing control   i cannot  go there  i have to stay in control of me   and have no emotions is the only way to stay in control     wow i have to stay me  who ever the hell that is now  i have to just stay me  

My therapist  has pushed meds  meds  and yet he knows my brain fights it   because in taking the meds  i guess it confirms i am ill i am not in control i don't know   but each time i try taking them i feel like i failed somehow   stupid i know  i know how stupid t hat sounds  but that is how brain works  
You see them all fight  you see them all struggle  you see their pain   theri suffering  and you say  i cannot become one of them  icannot become one of them  i cannot become one of them   meds  meds say i am one.  

5 yrs almost  i don't know  i think if i was my therapist  i would have walked away  He did not sign on for this ok   he did not sign on to have me as a client this long  He was to help me only get over the suicide of my brother  to help me deal with that loss    and um  i g uess i am still here so he did what i ask him to    He promised he would not throw me away  and he has not   I do not want to keep him to that promise  he has done more for me then anyone has in my life  dam t dam this tears  

How long how long does one go to therapy  when one does not even follow her therapist suggestion  when one is non compliant  It is not fair  to him  he did not sign on for this


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## MHealthJo

> fear of losing control
> I don't want to feel her pain
> I have to stay me



Are you in control hun?
Are you successfully away from that pain?
You say you have not been 'you' for a long time now.

-------

These goals sound desirable...

But hun, the way you are going about them, does it work?

---------

Why not again consider different ideas of doing things that will help you actually, in reality, have more control, feel less pain, and stay 'you'. 

In reality.

Yes, there will be battles also in going about things in a different way. The issues of feeling like a 'failure' or identifying with people you dont want to identify with. But if you are open and honest about those things too, your therapist (and we) can help you to the other side of those obstacles. Therapists, if they can engage fully with the patient, can be very successful in helping a person change their beliefs and views of themselves.

xox

---------- Post Merged at 09:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:05 PM ----------

^^ These battles are worthy and can be won.....

The ones you are fighting now, I don't know. 

xox


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## forgetmenot

No not in control all the time hun   most time i am i think
pain  it comes sometimes out of the blue you know and side swipes me  and i have to fight back again 
no i have not been me  for awhile now   
i am ok  i am ok  
i don't want to let the anger out or the emotions out hun  it hurts too much  it just hurts too much  do you understand  so i fight them i fight with everything in me to not feel 
You are  right hun logically  i need to try something different  because  if i don't  i am just going to burn myself out  totally   
who am i  not her  i want her to go away and leave me alone  i want her to take her sadness away   i want to be me again  i want to be someone again   Noone understand that  and i won't explain it to anyone because i know it sound crazy  and i am not ill    i am just tired of the battle  
I will talk to my therapist  not until June 6   I will give him the choice  and tell him i understand  if he chooses to end this now because  i don't know if i have it in me  to continue on.


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## MHealthJo

Please sometime, take a quiet moment and reconsider having a go at different views hun.....

Some things work well and some things don't..... why not benefit from the collective knowledge we now have from the health community.....

So many in the past could not benefit from this knowledge......


We don't want you to suffer or leave, and I am sure your loved ones feel the same....

And I know your therapist feels the same too and would much rather continue supporting you, even if you don't want to change certain ideas or approaches - he would still much rather that he can support you and minimize your suffering in whatever ways you are okay with. DON'T stop seeing him. Don't follow the thinking of your mind that is not in a well place okay. xox


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## forgetmenot

Iwill go to my next appt  and i will try  and i hope my mind does change  my thoughts change   I am ok  i will talk to him  i will let him know how grateful i am for his help  and that i am sorry for not being able to follow his regime but as he stated i am changing  i am letting go  i am letting go 
I wonder where is that person that fought and showed them all what she was made of

  i just have to find that part of me again and fight  and just fight and fight and fight and not let this sadness win.

Thanks for all the help  and for listening  and i will try to reread and to absorb and change i will


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## GDPR

> i will talk to him i will let him know how grateful i am for his help



That's a good idea,and something I don't think I have done.I think I will do that next time.Our therapists help us so much,and I wonder just how often they are told how much it's appreciated.I have taken the time to tell mine everything he does that I don't like,but I don't think I have told him the things he does that I do like.

Thanks forgetmenot.The things you post always help me in some way!


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## forgetmenot

YOur post always help me to hun  just sometimes  i don't have the ability to respond   but i read them all  hugs to you


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## forgetmenot

it never ends peace no never peace  meds cannot bring that to me


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## Cat Dancer

I am so sorry. I have no one who cares and it is so hard to keep going, but we have to keep going because we just do. Try to get some rest and stay warm.


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## forgetmenot

i  will CD  you have your children hun they will always care for you


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