# No Hope Left



## merime (Sep 14, 2009)

I have no idea what to begin with.  I have been in a loveless relationship for 17 years.  My husband was very controlling.  I have 3 children who I stayed home with and homeschooled.  I have no job.  My husband would not give me any money for things for the kids so I have a ton of credit card debt.  I used to be able to pay the minimum , but my cash supply has run out.  I started a relationship in Feb and long story short he kept pushing for me to buy him a 4,900 dollar bike.  I finally caved in and regretted it the second I was nearly forced to sign the receipt.  I am trying to find  a job , but I cant.  I feel everything is never going to get better and truly want to run away and hide under a rock.  Please help , I don't know what to do. Thanks Mere


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 14, 2009)

Your new relationship doesn't sound very healthy for you. What are you getting out of this, other than more debt?


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## Daniel (Sep 14, 2009)

> My husband would not give me any money for things for the kids so I have a ton of credit card debt...  I am trying to find  a job , but I cant.


Do you have much work experience in the last few years?  In any case, temp or contract work may be one way to give a resume an infusion of recent work experience.   I know there is an irony that employers often prefer to hire those who are currently employed somewhere else.


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## Retired (Sep 14, 2009)

Hello Mere,

In addition to what the others have asked, to be sure I understand the situation, you have no source of income, you have credit card debt from paying expenses, but do not get reimbursed by your husband,  and you are in another relationship with a person who persuaded you to pay for a $5000 bike with money you don't have.

In whose name is the title of this bike?  

Do you have any family, friend, spiritual advisor, legal aid counselor, womens' advocacy group who can help you regain your independence?

Are you receiving medical or psychological support at thsi time?

What do _you_ want to do?

Stay with the kids?
Stay with your husband?
Stay with the new relationship?
Get out of debt?
Be on your own?


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## merime (Sep 14, 2009)

No , I have nobody noone and was so stupid.  Iam scared afraid and cant stop crying. Thank you


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## Jazzey (Sep 14, 2009)

I'm so sorry Mere.  Can you reach out to someone?  As Steve suggested, maybe a financial advisor?  legal aid counsel?  Is there anyone you can reach out to at this time?

This new relationship, is he still in your life?  Do you have the bike or does he?

Please do not hesitate to lean on us Mere.   People at psychlinks are more than happy to support one another.


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## merime (Sep 14, 2009)

he has the bike, i asked him to return it with no reply.  my husband knows he was a good friend , and about the bike.  I know I should contact the police, but will that make things worse. It just seems like i am in a grave scratching to get out and people hust keep throwing dirt on top.  I appreciate the advice and kind words.  I know Iam the biggest idiot to let this all happen.


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## Jazzey (Sep 14, 2009)

No Mere, you were not the idiot here.  The man who exploited you for the $5000 bike is the real idiot in the story.

Did you suggest to this man that this was a gift of some kind?  Now that you've requested for the return of the bike, I would be tempted to get the police involved for its return....What exactly was said between you and this man regarding the purchase of this bike?


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## Retired (Sep 14, 2009)

Merime,

Everybody does things every once in a while, which on looking back, may not have been the best choice.

Nothing can be gained by beating yourself up over this, but rather to work on figuring out a way to salvage what can be saved, to move on and to learn from the past.

We'll be pleased to provide some options for your to consider, so you can decide what's the best course for you to follow.

There have been a number of questions asked which would provide us with further insights into your situation.  Would you take a moment to respond so we can try to think of some options?


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## merime (Sep 14, 2009)

the bike is in my name on my credit card.  He kept asking me to buy it for him, saying he couldnt trust me if I didnt.  I told him I had 1,000 to give.  I truly did not want to sign that reciept, but thought that was the only way of keeping him.  

Only after (about 10 min ) did I realize what a huge mistake I made.  I have asked him to return the bike and he says he is working on it.  

I truly believe I have completely messed up every area of my life and even my children who I love would be better off without me.  Iam too much trouble and have made way too many mistakes.  

I dont really have any support, and when I try calling for help it just gets worse.  It all just seems so hopeless.  i have a associates degree and some nursing and childcare experience , but that was years ago, and I lack credentials.  I would be  a housekeeper or anything if I could just find out how to find a job.  It seems like nobody will hire someone who hasnt worked for 17 years.  

One goodthing my son who I stayed home with and homeschooled because he is autistic is now in high school and a teacher wrote me a note on what an outstanding student he is.  She said she has never seen an autisic child be so communicative and intelligent.  At least I accomplished one good thing.


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## Jazzey (Sep 14, 2009)

merime said:


> the bike is in my name on my credit card.  He kept asking me to buy it for him, saying he couldnt trust me if I didnt.  I told him I had 1,000 to give.  I truly did not want to sign that reciept, but thought that was the only way of keeping him.  Only after (about 10 min ) did I realize what a huge mistake I made.



Good, get the police involved Mere - get the bike back so that you can sell it.



> I have asked him to return the bike and he says he is working on it.



How long has he had the bike now?  again, get the police involved - it's theft in my books - the bike is in your name and, it's an expensive bike.



> I truly believe I have completely messed up every area of my life and even my children who I love would be better off without me.  Iam too much trouble and have made way too many mistakes.



No Mere, your children are not better off without you, ever.

You made a simple mistake.  But you can rectify it.  



> I dont really have any support, and when I try calling for help it just gets worse.  It all just seems so hopeless.  i have a associates degree and some nursing and childcare experience , but that was years ago, and I lack credentials.  I would be  a housekeeper or anything if I could just find out how to find a job.  It seems like nobody will hire someone who hasnt worked for 17 years.  One goodthing my son who I stayed home with and homeschooled because he is autistic is now in high school and a teacher wrote me a note on what an outstanding student he is.  She said she has never seen an autisic child be so communicative and intelligent.  At least I accomplished one good thing.



I understand.  And I know that right now you think it's hopeless.  But it isn't Mere. 

This situation can be rectified.  One thing at a time.  And I think it's wonderful that your son is doing well in school - that's a testament to you Mere, and a testament to the fact that he still needs you.


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## white page (Sep 14, 2009)

Hi Merime,
I am so sorry things seem so difficult for you right now, and that you are feeling so betrayed by your untrustworthy friend.

I agree with everyone else, however desperate a financial situation is, it is only financial and can eventually be fixed, it is always possible to negotiate with creditors, this guy has swindled you, and this is a crime. He used emotional handles and manipulated you. 

At some time or other we have all fallen for emotional manipulation, it is a learning experience. Things are not hopeless. Take things one step at a time.
Take care wp


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## Fiver (Sep 14, 2009)

I've no doubt you've accomplished more than just one good thing, merime. Start with that, and I'm sure you can come up with a pretty long list of good things you have accomplished and can still accomplish. It seems bleak right now, but you've been offered some good starting points here and I'm sure if you keep talking to us, your perspective can change.

Hang in there.


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## emofree (Sep 28, 2009)

hi sorry to hear your sad story don't lose hope here my dear you can hang in there you can follow some of the very good advices here. I'll be praying for you.


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## merime (Sep 28, 2009)

Its so hard.  My mom wantsd me to just pick up the kids and leave, but where do I go?  I feel like I am in a box and the walls just keep getting closer together.  Thank you for the words of encouragement.  I think I am beyond hope.


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## Banned (Sep 28, 2009)

Hi Merime,

The situation is not beyond hope and you most certainly are not beyond hope.  It's just going to take some creative thinking, and likely some time, to get the situation rectified.  It is by no means hopeless.  

What steps can you take, today, to feel better about yourself or the situation?  They don't have to be big steps.  Maybe you can look into options - reaching out here was a great start, maybe check with the police and see what you can do next is the next step.  Maybe you can find someone to support you - a counsellor, a spiritual advisor, or a friend.  Maybe you can put your name at the top of a blank sheet of paper.  Add a line each day and in no time you will have a shining resume to find a job.

When we look at the big, cloudy, overwhelming picture, it can definitely seem hopeless.  Yesterday, I was in the pit of despair.  I was hopeless, extremely suicidal, lost, tormented.  Today is a new day, and with it brings new hope.  We don't get ourselves into a "mess" overnight so its not realistic to expect we'll get out of it overnight.  Baby steps though.  And in all of this, make sure you're being good to yourself, ok?


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## merime (Sep 28, 2009)

Thank you, so true one day at a time, baby steps


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