# Hanging on...barely



## SoSo

Most of my waking hours have been with one thought in mind for the past 2 weeks...leave.  I can't remember an hour in the past 2 weeks were I haven't thought of just quitting as I just am so tired and drained.  I was out with my sister today on a highway and all I could think of was just opening the car door and jumping.  I just do not want to be here.  I don't want to struggle anymore.  I don't want to live in this useless body full of pain anymore and most of all, I don't want to cry anymore.  I told my family doctor months ago I needed to see a psychiatrist and all she said was "it could take months, a year even" and that was it.  She left.  I will call the replacement doctor tomorrow.  I will tell him.  I will give it one last try but that is about all I have left in me.  I really do resent the way people are treated here in this province or rather not treated by the medical professionals.  I can't go to the emerg at the psych hospital here, have such a full blown terror of that place.  When I was around 12 someone I loved was beaten so severly and so this person cut their wrists and they were locked away in there for 6 months and it was an awful place back in 58.  They made me go in there with them to visit the doctor and I was told if I opened my mouth and said anything that went on at  home I would be locked away in there for good.  I am so stupid to let that still scare me but I can't help it as I know what the other went through in there.  I will just have to hope this new doctor will listen because I am barely hanging on right now, don't want to.
Feisty:hide:


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## Retired

Feisty,

The field of mental health, and specifically psychiatric hospitals are not the same environments you remember from 1958.

Psychiatry itself was in its infancy in those days and there were virtually no medications, nor a clear understanding of mental illness, and an  absence  of adequate  training for support staff.

People were warehoused in those days and family was given no hope for the recovery of their loved ones.

Fast forward to 2008 -> psychiatric hospitals are highly specialized medical treatment centers with highly skilled physicians and support staff who want to help people in distress and should treat patients with respect and dignity.

If you are feeling suicidal, you need to seek out immediate help.

Feisty, if you have apprehensions about your local psychiatric hospital emergency room, then call a trusted family member, friend or spiritual advisor to accompany you there, and ask them to look out for your interests.



> I was out with my sister today on a highway and all I could think of was just opening the car door and jumping



Doctors refer to these as 





> intrusive thoughts


 and form part of the distorted thinking that is part of suicidal thoughts.



> I told my family doctor months ago I needed to see a psychiatrist and all she said was "it could take months, a year even" and that was it.



Unfortunately some family doctors are so overwhelmed by the medical system that they sometimes lose the pespective of the needs of their patients.  It could be your doctor was having a bad day.

You need to take charge of your own health care, and if you feel unable at this time, get your sister or another trusted person to go with you and insist on getting a referral.  At least things can get started.

You have a sister who loves you, and it's clear you don't want to continue feeling this way. These are good reasons to live.

The way you feel is treatable, but you need to take charge of your medical care and seek out the help you need.

Is your family doctor treating your depression in any way?

Do you have the number of a local crisis line you can call for support?  

If there is a psychiatric hospital in your community, can you call them direct and ansk them if they have a suicide intervention clinic?

If you feel you might carry out your suicide plan, Feisty, please call 911.


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## braveheart

Here in the UK, in emergencies, psychiatrist referrals only take up to a month, in my experience. They put me through faster because it would appear that my situation merited an urgent medication review. I agree with Steve, talk with another doctor, someone who'll take your distress seriously.

Keep talking here as much as you need.


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## Halo

Keep hanging on Feisty as hard as it is.  Remember that you do have people that care about you including us here and you can always lean on us for support...we will always be here :heart:  

I hope that your doctor can provide some help and if need be I know that you are afraid but the local hospital is always an option.  Like Steve said, they have come a long way since the 50s.

I know it is hard to hang on and trust me when I say I do know and remember that feeling just take it minute by minute for now and hang on to the hope that this will pass.

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Lana

Hi Fiesty;

When you see your doctor, ask your doctor for the referral to the Mental Health Clinic at your nearest hospital. If your doctor has admitting priveledges in a hospital, he or she should be able to arrange an appointment for you. It would take about a month, or less depending on your situation. Suicidal thougths warrant immediate appointment. Be straight with your doctor and be firm in your request. 

Let us know how things work out and know that we're here with you.

P.S. OHIP covers psychiatrical services, not psychological ones.  However, Mental Health clinics are staffed by some psychiatrists that do psychotherapy.  You can also look the clinics up on the Mental Health Services pages for the clinic near you.


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## SoSo

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow.  I wrote myself a note to take.  I can't function well the past 2 weeks so thought I best take a note.  I am going to 'beg' to go for a PET scan and a psychiatrist as I know I cannot go on living like this any longer.  I know I won't make it without help, not strong enough now as I am just so worn out by all the cancer and other stuff to fight anymore.  Thanks, will see about the psych clinics, etc here, have to.  I will see if my sister would go with me but she is going through enough of her own 'stuff' in her life right now that I hate to impose on her.  Just feel like nothing is worth the effort anymore, nothing.
Feisty:hide:


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## Halo

I am glad to hear that you have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow.  That is a huge step.  It is good that you wrote a note too :2thumbs:  I think that if you tell the doctor exactly what you are telling us then (s)he will understand and will get you the help that you need.

I will keep you in my thoughts as well as my fingers crossed that you get the help that you so desperately need.  Remember you just need to hang on a little while longer...minute by minute and you can make it.

Take care :heart:
:hug: :friends: :hug:


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## Retired

> I will see if my sister would go with me but she is going through enough of her own 'stuff' in her life right now that I hate to impose on her



You may be pleasantly surprised at the willing support your sister will provide for you...all you have to do is ask.

The worst that can happen is that she may not be available, but there is a good chance she will be there for you.

If you don't ask, you'll never know.



> I wrote myself a note to take



Excellent idea.  I do it all the time.  There are so many things going on when visiting a doctor, that's it's easy to forget.  Keep your list in the open, so your doctor is aware you have a number of issues to discuss.

Also, write down any instructions your doctor gives you, to be sure to remember.

Include a list of all medications on your list, in case your doctor's file is incomplete, and if you get a new prescription, write down the instructions on how to take it, what if any foods to avoid with that new med and make sure your doctor knows what other meds, prescribed, over the counter, herbals etc you take, to avoid any interactions.



> I am going to 'beg' to go for a PET scan and a psychiatrist as I know I cannot go on living like this any longer.




Feisty,

Think of it a asserting yourself to your doctor.  You and your doctor should be working as partners in your healthcare, but you need to be in control of your healthcare.

Sometimes we, as patients or consumers of our healthcare need to assert ourselves to make our needs fully understood by overworked doctors.

Please keep us posted on how it goes.


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## Lana

Feisty;
There are various support groups across the province where people and their families offer each other support, compassion, and empathy.  Many of them probably feel the same as you do at times and know, or know someone, that has other resources that we haven't mentioned here or that your doctor is not aware of.  Do you want me to look them up for you?  I believe those usually don't cost anything.


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## Retired

Feisity,

Perhaps this link can be of help

*Nova Scotia Crisis Centres*

If not, let us know.


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## Into The Light

feisty, i just wanted to know i feel for you and what you are going through right now. it sounds really difficult but don't give up hope. speak to your doctor tomorrow and be insistent if needed.

i am keeping my fingers crossed for you. let us know how the appointment goes if and when you are able to.


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## SoSo

I just tried to call the crisis line number, no one available till 12 noon tomorrow.  I will just have to try to get through another long night.  I just wish I could sleep, have one whole night with just sleep.  Thanks, sorry I cannot seem to see any reason right now for anything, maybe I will later if I get through all this.  I put the pills away where I won't be able to get at them tonight, only positive thing I have done I guess.
Feisty:hide:


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## Mari

H! Feisty4me, thinking about you - keep trying - if you will cheer for me I will cheer for you. Having a really rough day - tomorrow has to be better. :hissyfit:


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## Banned

Hi Feisty,

You're in my thoughts.  Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.  Write as much as you want/need to...we are here to help you and support you in any way we can.  If I was in NS I would take you to a clinic if that's what you wanted.  You're important to me, to all of us, and you're doing an excellent job of hanging on, one minute at a time.


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## braveheart

How are things looking today?


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## SoSo

I went to my doctor and he confirmed it would take at least a year for me to see a psychiatrist so he is starting me on ciprilex and sending me to a counselor.  I have had so many problems in the past with meds, hope this one is better.  I really don't feel any different after seeing him, just feel totally empty if that makes sense, nothing left.  Thanks for the support.
Feisty:hide:


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## Halo

Feisty,

I am really glad that you went to the doctor and that he is starting you on a new med.  Although you may not have had much luck with them in the past, this one may be the one that works.  I didn't have a lot of luck with meds either as I had tried numerous ones myself but cipralex seemed to be working for me...lets keep our fingers crossed that it makes a difference :crossfingers: 

I am also happy to hear that he is sending you to a counsellor.  I think that having someone to talk to about what you are going through is going to help a lot.  Did he say how long of a wait that it would be before you get an appointment?

You did really good today Feisty :2thumbs:  I know how hard it must have been just to go to the appointment but you did it and I am proud of you. 

We are here for you and always will be..you are never alone :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Retired

Try again to call the crisis line, and keep yourself safe until you contact them.

Did your doctor give you specific instructions on how to take your new medication Cipralex (escitalopram).



> I have had so many problems in the past with meds



Cipralex is an SSRI, which as you probably know takes a few weeks before there is a noticeable effect, so you would be encouraged to be as patient as you can, despite how you may feel at this moment.

If you experience any uncomfortable side effects, you need to know that with this type of medication, most of these side effects are known to go away as your body becomes adjusted to the new medication.

_Most important, is if and when it is decided to discontunue this medication, it should not be discontinued abruptly.  Your doctor will advise you on how to taper the dose gradually._

Keep your eye on the goal, which is to relieve you of the way you are currently feeling.

There is hope for for feeling better, Feisty, and you need to keep yourself safe.

Let us know after reach the crisis line, and keep us posted on your progress.


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## Lana

Hey Feisty;

I don't have much experience with SSRIs and Cipralex is the only one I've been using.  I haven't had any problems with it and it didn't make me gain weight either.  I hope it works the same for you.  

I think having the meds and a counsellor is a great start.  Most psychiatrists tend to use the pharmacological approach and not all of them do psychotherapy.  So really, maybe it's a blessing in disguise for you to have meds and a consellor (whose primary focus is psychotherapy and possibly arranging for a support group).  

Just remember, Cipralex doesn't start working overnight.  It takes a couple of weeks or so.  So, don't get discouraged between now and then, just remember that each day you're closer to feeling better. :hug:


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## ladylore

Hi Feisty,

Wanted to let you know that I have been keeping up on this thread and just hadnt had much to add as it has all been said.

I also think it is a blessing in disguise that you will be seeing a counsellor. Your doing all the right things Feisty so just keep doing what your doing. :2thumbs:


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## Retired

Feisty,

The crisis line in Halifax is staffed from noon onward,  due to a shortage of volunteers.  I called the number to find out what their hours are.

They are there, available to help, so please call (902) 421-1188


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## Into The Light

hang on feisty. i am keeping my fingers crossed for you that this medication will do its job within a couple of weeks. talk to us here in the meantime to get through the time. any idea when you get to see the new counsellor?

what about the emotions anonymous group? can you still get there for real life support?


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## SoSo

My doctor wanted me back in his office today and has changed the med I am to use.  He has put me on Nova Trazodone plus I have 30 Lorazepam that I can take in an emergency if I get really stressed but will try not to take those if I don't have to. The doctor also wants to see me back in 2 weeks.  I don't know when I will get to go for counseling but the way things are here, could be a long wait.  I still feel empty but will stick with the meds and see what happens for now.  Thanks for all the support and advice.  Wish I could be more positive and cheery, sorry for being so down.
Feisty:hide:


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## Retired

Glad to hear from you, Feisty!  Were you able to contact the Crisis Center?

How did the doctor recommend using the lorazepam in the event of sudden anxiety?  What dose are the tablets?


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## Into The Light

i am glad your doctor wants to see you back again in two weeks. he's monitoring you and that is very important.

no need to apologize, we understand. :hug:


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## Halo

Feisty,

I am happy that your doctor is following you closely with your meds and I hope that they begin to work soon.

Like ITL said...no need to apologize at all...we are here for you :hug: 

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo

I had my first night on the Trazodone 50mg and perhaps it is just my imagination but I did seem calmer.  I think it is my thyroid hormone replacement meds that could be causing some of my depression as they are causing my heart to go wonky and my blood pressure is 149/75.  I have had my heart pounding like mad and irregular heart beats for 2 weeks now, feels like it will burst through my chest and a lot of chest pain.  I made an appointment for Monday to have these meds changed.  I mentioned it to my doctor on 2 different occasions but he did not listen to my heart nor take my BP.  I was thinking of just taking myself off the thyroid meds, have no thyroid due to the hurthle cell cancer so without these replacement hormone meds, I would die.  I am tired of trying to get the doctors to listen to me, that these meds are damaging my heart like they already did 2 years ago.  The bottom of my heart no longer pumps due to these meds.  I have been here since last Aug. and they have not even taken my BP, I do it myself.  I just feel most days that all this struggle to get health care is not worth the effort.  Just breathing hurts and just wonder most days why bother.  I picked up a book, Life Strategies by Dr. Phil at a thrift store while I was waiting for the bus yesterday.  It makes sense, although right now, can't put it to use but will try to read and follow this logic when and if I get stronger.  The Lorazepam is 0.5mg and I can use 2 a day if needed.  I still don't want to be here, still feel so very empty but will give these meds a try, nothing to lose by trying them.  Thanks for all the support, don't really feel I deserve it though but thanks.
feisty:hide:


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## Cat Dancer

((((((feisty4me))))))))


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## Retired

Feisty,

If you feel you need to be re evaluated for any of your medications, then make your request known to your doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist.

I know it's difficult to get a family doctor these days, but if you feel you are not getting the service you want from your current GP, then discreetly make inquiries for a new doctor, being careful not to burn any bridges with your current doctor, just in case a new one doesn't work out.

As for your thyroid meds, it is *not* recommended to stop any medication without the OK of your doctor because the medication is either maintaining a certain condition, or requires special instructions for discontuation.

IAC one should never stop taking a med without consulting the doctor.

Your lorazepam (Ativan) should be used as your doctor prescribed, in the event of an acute emergency anxiety situation.   Don't be afraid of it, because this is a relatively short acting medication that relieves the anxiety, but is excreted from the system in about 8 hours. It's ideal for this kind of "emergency use" .

Check with your doctor, who might even suggest taking the lorazepam under your tongue, being careful to not swallow for a about 120 seconds while holding the tablet deep under the tongue..

That way the tablet is absorbed by the soft tissue under the tongue, getting into the system a little quicker.

Lorazepam is one of the only med of its kind, the chemistry of which can be absorbed this way, and is approved for sublingual use..

When you visit your doctor, do you bring with you your blood pressure logs that you take at home?


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## braveheart

You do deserve support. Very much so.


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## Into The Light

my heart goes out to you feisty. i wish you had someone with you to come with you to these appointments and maybe speak up on your behalf when necessary.

again, this makes me come back to the emotions anonymous group you spoke of a while back. is there anyone there that could offer you that kind of support?


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## SoSo

I went to the EA group today.  I have only been once in the past 2 months since my father died.  I was in a fog for most of the meeting.  The doctor wants me on on 3 trazodone but I am having enough problems functioning on just one before 8pm.  I feel calmer though, almost comatose, haven't taken any of these types of meds in 15 years so guess I have to adjust but will just stay on the one.  If I stop taking my thyroid meds there is only on outcome, I die as I don't have a thyroid but they HAVE to get the darn things changed and regulated, my heart can't stand much more abuse from the ones I am on, Eltroxin.  I bought the EA big book today, will try to read it, see if it sinks in the grey cell mush but right now, living for a minute at a time not a day, a minute and even that is a struggle.  I can honestly say I am only here for 2 reasons still, my son and my adopted son as I know it would kill both of them if I was to quit, give up and do what I want, leave it all.  I do not want to stay.  I want to just be free of all this physical pain I live in 24-7 and the other cancer stuff.  I am weak, just weak and worn out by life.  I just know my sons would not be able to deal if I leave.  My adopted son was born a crack baby with many problems due to the birth mother doing many different street drugs and he cries all the time because I moved from Ontario.  My other son is ok but has problems due to seeing his father beat the daylights out of me day in day out so I am fighting the pull to leave but I really wish I did not feel guilty about my sons and leaving them.  I guess I have 2 good reasons to stay but I think I have to somehow one day find reasons that I want to stay, not for someone else, for me.  One good thing in the past 2 days, I slept, I finally got 2 good nights of sleep after months of being able to only get 2-5 hours a night due to ignorant neighbours, a bonus of the new meds, sleep.  I am also listening to my music again to try to distract my mind, k.d. lang, Dr. Hook and Mario Lanza, what a combination!  Again, thanks, sorry to be so gloomy, am trying, I think.
Feisty:hide:


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## suewatters1

Feisty Sleep will help you and your thyroid medication adjusted. If you can't see your DR right away got to a clinic or ER and tell them your Thyroid meds are making you feel worse.

When I feel crappy I listen to music that calms me down an even on Youtube there is some singers from British got Talent that are so good. A few weeks ago this 12 year old girl sang AVE MARIA and played it over and over it made me cry but it was a release of emotions. The singer is Faryl Smith and she sang this week the Song Angels by the Canadian singer and tonight is the finals. Inspirational songs makes me feel good and it cleanses my soul briefly. Also I love Mario Lanza what a great singer. I love his song and his movies.

I also lived for my family because they suffered enough but then I somehow manage to think their is magic out there like my astrologer says. Their a time to do work and a time to let God or the Universe take over to let the magic happen in our lives. 
I feel down and moody a lot but then the astrologer says stuff like the people who give up when times are tough are going to miss out on the magic just waiting for them around the corner. Then I hang on and I see my life going slightly better and makes me realize yes I didn't give up when things got tough and I am glad I didn't.

Here is where you get the free horoscope WeeklyHoroscope.com.



> *Hang on because things will get better.*
> Horoscope: But with mercury retro means (electrical, communication, computer & transportation problems)... Yeah... it's when the universe is telling us to "slow down" and make sure we're not rushing too much & missing many of the finer things in life. Also It's not just Mercury that's retro... Jupiter, Pluto, Neptune, Juno & Cupid are all going backwards too... So that indicates there are opportunities waiting to happen... So keep your eyes open... This tends to be when the universe tries to make things happen... The kind of things we normally would miss or somehow manage to "be too busy" (that kind of thing)...



So Hang on just around the corner magic is waiting for you

And We Care what happens to you

Sue


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## Into The Light

> I guess I have 2 good reasons to stay but I think I have to somehow one day find reasons that I want to stay, not for someone else, for me.


you know, these 2 good reasons are all you need right now to pull through, even if it is other people. let them provide you with the strength you need right now, and when things start to get a bit better with the medical help and the counselling you will slowly start to find reasons for yourself again.

i am really glad you have slept well the past couple of days, sleep makes a huge difference. keep hanging on and try to find a daily positive to help you keep going.

sending you many hugs, i think this is something you probably need very much right now. :hug::hug::hug:


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## Retired

> I am only here for 2 reasons still, my son and my adopted son as I know it would kill both of them if I was to quit,



As has been said, these are _your_ *reasons to live* which must remain your primary focus.  

Get some photos of your boys, if you have not already done so, and leave them around the house, on your medicine cabinet, on the fridge, in your wallet, wherever you spend time, so they can be constant reminders of your two important reasons to live.



> I want to just be free of all this physical pain I live in 24-7 and the other cancer stuff.



It sounds like you have had a difficult struggle, but there may be options available to explore to deal with the pain.  Through your doctor, and perhaps some referrals to other specialists you may find some relief.

This challenge can become another reason to live, outweighing what seem, at the moment, to be reasons to die.

Lets continue the dialogue and together we may figure out options you might explore.

I may have missed your response, so forgive me for asking again...have you been able to contact the crisis center?


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## SoSo

I went to my doctor again today to try to get him to listen to me about my BP and heart going wonky.  He said he will see the results of my blood work then might change my thyroid meds.  Right now, seeing my pics of family, etc just makes me very sad so I just leave them.  My adopted son left home to go live with his girlfriend at 16 and nothing I did or said would stop him.  Now, he cries all the time because he needs me back in his life to talk to and help him sort things out.  I feel so guilty for moving from Ontario and leaving him there but he made the choice to stay.  I miss both my sons a lot.  My body is totally twisted up in pain the past 2 days, can barely walk and can't stand up straight right now.  I hope in time I can get my body built back up.  Other than giving me pain meds there is nothing can be done for my body.  I have osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, osteopenia and fibromyalgia along with other health issues so just have to learn to live with it.  I know there a lot of people a lot worse off than me so I feel so weak and pathetic about my dealing with my health stuff.  I tried to call the crisis number 3 times, gave up after just getting a recording.  Thanks for the support, advice and hugs.  Oh, Steve, did you do the pic of the polar bears?  I am an artist so enjoy and appreciate art.  I think that is another reason why I am so very depressed.  I haven't been able to do any of my art since last June and it was always a good way for me to get outside myself and also lose myself if that makes sense.  Again, thanks.
Feisty:hide:


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## Retired

Feisty,

I admire and am inspired by your courage, despite obvious adversities in your life.  You are, indeed a very courageous person.

The polar bear mural was painted by Michigan mural artist, Wellington White.  It was painted on our motorcoach in 1998, the year of Wellington's retirement.

My wife and I collected a number of polar bear photos, along with a video depicting the bears.

Using those ideas, Wellington conceived the image, of the mother, father and cub _looking for lunch_.  Although it cannot be seen in the photo, these are some "hidden images" in the mural, along with Wellington's signature "three starbursts".

The coach was recently sold, but we still cherish the image.


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## Daniel

> I haven't been able to do any of my art since last June and it was always a good way for me to get outside myself and also lose myself if that makes sense.



Schopenhauer would agree: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schopenhauer's_aesthetics

BTW, the group therapy expert Dr. Yalom, who has extensive experience working with cancer patients, has written a few good novels, one of which, _The Schopenhauer Cure_, is partly about a therapist with cancer:

Author Interview with Irvin Yalom from HarperCollins Publishers


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## Halo

Feisty,

I agree with Steve that you are definitely one courageous woman.  You have more strength than you know and I for one admire that strength.  Keep hanging on with every ounce of your being...one day at a time, minute at a time and you will get through this.

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo

I don't feel courageous, just feel like a real loser.  I got myself into a real mess by moving to Nova Scotia and now I will lose everything just to get back to Ontario.  All I get told all the time by my mother is what a mess I have made of my entire life.  Until my father died 2 months ago he would yell at me about what a loser I was.  The fact that I got away from an alcoholic husband who beat me senseless all the time, worked 2-3 jobs so I could support my kids, went to school nights to get my high school then onto a business college to get my degree was nothing to my parents.  I only was told what an embarrassment I was to them.  I don't know what right a mother who beat her daughters every day and even tried to kill me more than once has a right to be so critical of me.  Then, the father who molested me right up until I was 15, what right do either of them have.  I tried twice to just quit, kill myself because of them, couldn't take the abuse anymore and once when my ex was beating me around and he beat a baby out of me, I tried then also.  Right now I am away from the abuse but also away from my friends and family that supported me and also away from proper health care.  I don't know if this is why I feel so empty, so alone and hopeless but for now, am still here.  I wish I was courageous, wish I could just make me smarten up and stop feeling like this but I can't seem to right now.  I am having trouble focusing on much right now, started this, then totally zone out, half an hour later I realize I have been sitting here just staring at the screen for half an hour, don't like it much.  I lose chunks out of my day that way, just go blank for long periods of time now.  I don't know why.  My parents were right, I have made such a mess of my life but not intentionally, doesn't matter, if I make it through this dark time then maybe I will be able to start over, start fresh but right now just trying to make it from one minute to the next.  Thanks for the links, checked them out.  Seeing the pic of the polar bears sort of helped me, think I may try to paint again this week, it may help get my mind focused on something other than just quitting.
Feisty:hide:


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## Retired

Feisty,

I saw an striking contrast in the comments you shared:



> worked 2-3 jobs so I could support my kids, went to school nights to get my high school then onto a business college to get my degree





> told all the time by my mother is what a mess I have made of my entire life. Until my father died 2 months ago he would yell at me about what a loser I was



I am not a psychologist, but from reading your story, it seems to me,  that you identify yourself from the derogatory comments of your parents and not from the remarkable accomplishments you have made despite these obvious obstacles.

Do you feel you have removed yourself from all these abusive influences, so that you are not subjected to any more pain?

Do you have a personal support system in Nova Scotia such as loving friends or family? 

I was sorry to hear the crisis line has been difficult to reach.  Another resource you may wish to try is a local branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association

Explain your situation to them to see what suggestions they may have.

Maybe try the crisis line again, during the afternoon.  Like many volunteer groups, there may be a shortage of trained volunteers.

Continue to keep us posted on your progress.  I am happy to hear our polar bears have inspired your creative spirit!


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## Retired

Feisty,

Have a look at this resource page I found that may be of help to you at this time.  You may wish to print the page to keep the info handy.

Considering suicide? How to stay safe and find treatment


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## Halo

Feisty,

Here is something else to read that has helped some of us on here when we were struggling:

When you feel you can't go on

Hope it helps :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Mari

Thanks TSOW for the link - it is one of the better ones I have read - I wish someone had directed my son to this link instead of the garbage that was sent to him. People keep bringing up the why of my son's death as if this is something I should be obsessed with. What I am more obsessed with is why anyone would encourage another person to choose suicide and discourage them from seeking help. I feel like I am on slow suicide because I no longer feel like I exist. I know I am alive but I just miss my son so much that nothing seems to matter. Like Feisty I do have my other two sons to care about. When I read about other people hurting I hurt even more but it does give me the courage to keep trying. I know that my son would want me to keep helping other people. Hugs to everyone. :heart: Mari


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## SoSo

I checked out the 2 links, I have read the When You Feel You Can't Hang On once before. For some reason it makes me cry when I read it.  I am feeling really fragile today.  I did manage to get to a Quit Smoking program as I know I am really disgusted with myself for starting again but dealing with my fathers death and the way my mother chewed me out in front of all the family and friends many times I just gave in and smoked.  I will go back though, nothing to lose except that awful habit, might not be the best time to try to quit but will give it a go.  My son called yesterday, he is very depressed.  I know I can't end it all or I feel he would follow me and I can't be responsible for doing that to anyone.  I wish I could help him but right now, am useless to even myself.  I will try to find something to hold onto, tomorrow.  I have tried to remove the negative, abusive people from my life but then I am rather dense.  I keep trying to do better, be what my parents want me to be, now what my mother wants me to be, but have come to the conclusion that no matter what, I will never be good enough for her.  I think I have to cut her completely out of my life or I will not make it as I really don't want to feel all that hurt and confusion anymore.  Mari, I hope in time your heart will heal.  I think you are very courageous.  Thanks all.
Feisty:hide:


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## Halo

Feisty,

You have a good reason to hang on with all your power and that is your son.  I know that it is difficult but having a reason is sometimes all it takes to hang on.  I think that you are extremely courageous in all that you are going through and I really have confidence that you will make it through this dark tunnel.  Just keep hanging on as best you can, one day or moment at a time and keep posting here....we are always here for you whenever you need us :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo

Well, I got the good news bad news today.  Good news, the doctor finally agreed to change my thyroid replacement hormones so my heart may regulate.  Bad news, had an allergic reaction to the trazodone so he pulled me off it.  Now, I am on nothing again.  I was starting to feel a tad bit better, just a wee tad but I found myself singing along to a song for the first time in weeks today.  So now, am in limbo again, just have to go it on my own if I can.  I still have the lorazepam but they are for emergencies only.  Oh well, just tired of it all, so tired of trying but will try to find one good thing each day, one moment that wasn't total emptiness, like today, a song, maybe tomorrow, 2 songs.  I guess that is all I can do right now.  I am going to try the crisis line again tomorrow, need to get help somewhere.  Thanks.
Feisty:hide:


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## Halo

Feisty that is good news about your doctor changing your medication which may regulate your heart.  I am sorry to hear though that you had an allergic reaction to the trazadone and had to come off of it.  It must be rough especially if you were just starting to feel a tad bit better.  

I really found what you said here encouraging:



> Oh well, just tired of it all, so tired of trying but will try to find one good thing each day, one moment that wasn't total emptiness, like today, a song, maybe tomorrow, 2 songs.



I think that this is really a positive way to look at it...good job :2thumbs:

Take care and good luck with the call to the crisis centre tomorrow :goodluck:

:hug: :hug:


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## Retired

Feisty,



> I am going to try the crisis line again tomorrow, need to get help somewhere



I am happy to hear you'll try again.  Please let us know the outcome of your call.  

As I mentioned earlier, it seems the office in Halifax is having difficulty with volunteer staffing, but if you have difficulty tomorrow, let us know here.  Their hours of operation seem to be between noon and 8 pm   *Crisis:  (902) 421-1188*

I have a few thoughts on some options we could explore to help you make contact.

Feisty,

Listen to the music..(music is my passion as well)  and sing along.  Find a song that pleases you, and keep it in your mind.

Feisty....keep yourself safe...one moment to the next, one step at a time.

Eventually it will become a journey to safety.

Steve


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## SoSo

I just wanted to share some good news, for a change.  I have been painting all day on a denim bag, hard to explain but it is the head of a female.  When the painting part is done then I will add a cloth turban around her head, a scarf around her neck and hair out of mohair.  I dug in my grandma's old cedar chest where I keep my work material and found some nice bright colours to use.  This is the first time since June 07 that I have touched my art and I am listening to music while I am working.  I actually do feel a bit better, not so empty and lost today.  Honestly, this is the first day in a couple of weeks the thought of suicide hasn't been in my head every hour.  I think that is progress.  I think I have to keep at the art, calms my mind and makes me feel less useless.  Oh, my, am afraid to have a ray of hope, afraid it will disappear but I am going to keep at it, see where it takes me.  Hopefully this is the beginning.  Thanks everyone, really, thanks for all the support you have given me.  
Feistyeek:


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## Halo

Feisty,

That is great that you are feeling better today and have been back into your art.  I only hope that it continues and that each and everyday that you begin to feel better and stronger. 

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Retired

Feisty,

I am very happy to hear that your painting has helped relieve some of your distress.

Continue to keep us posted on your developments, and know we are here to support when you need someone.

FYI I just got off the phone with a very nice volunteer in the Halifax Crisis center who gave me another Halifax number available.

This is a Mobile Crisis service available to you, 24 hours a day.

Their (toll free) number is (888) 429-8167

I would be interested in knowing what type of response they provide.


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## Cat Dancer

Glad to hear you're feeling some better and that you're working on your art.


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## SoSo

Thanks for that number Steve, wrote it down.  Right now my physical health is so bad I can barely manage to do anything so I think that plays a big part on my mental health.  I do not have the strength today to get dressed or eat or anything really as I can barely breath and the chest pains are so bad.  I am back to the empty place again.  I won't do anything about it though.  Too much pain and too worn out with this heart of mine not working right to be up to even quitting.  I saw my doctor, will take me 6 months to a year to see a heart specialist.  I just don't care anymore.  I did email Rodney MacDonald, NS Premier and tell him exactly what I thought of all the grey cell deficient idiots running the gov. here.  Sorry, know I shouldn't call people names, but I am too worn out from the past 10 months of fighting to get the health care I need to be nice anymore.  I will make a promise though, never break my work, won't try suicide even though I still think about it a lot.  I don't want anyone to worry about me.  I do feel if I don't get back to Ontario soon and proper health care I won't be around anyway.  The heart cannot take the beating mine is taking at this time so just will take it a day or moment at a time till I get back to Ontario.  Thanks everyone, promise, won't try anything.
Feisty:hide:


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## ladylore

Feisty - if your having chest pains you can go to emergency. I know with depression comes physical symptoms too, but in all honesty I am concerned about your welfare. You can call an ambulance who will take you to emergency. The hospital can't refuse you.

Just hang in there a bit longer. Take it moment by moment.


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## Into The Light

feisty, i think you should get yourself to the ER. don't let yourself wither away like that. i know how hard it is but if need be call 911 if you simply can't care for yourself anymore. you need help now, not 6 months from now.


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## Halo

:agree:


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## Retired

As the others have suggested, it's time to call 911 and be taken to Emergency.

Thank you for making the promise to keep yourself safe.

Please call 911 right away.


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## SoSo

I have been thinking the same thing that I have to go to emerg but to tell the truth since I have received such terrible health care here I am rather afraid to go.  I guess I will have to as my body just can't take much more of this.  It is usually my health that sends me into depression since I got the cancer.  I get sick, then I panic, then I get depressed.  There has not been one time I have been wrong about what is going on in my body yet trying to get these doctors to listen is like talking to a stone, no response.  Thanks all, will see how this night goes.  If the chest pains are severe like earlier today and last night, I will go to emerg.
Feisty:hide:


Oh, since I gave my word that I will not quit I won't post with this area anymore.  I am hopefully going to be able to keep that promise in that area.
Feisty:hide:


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## SoSo

Steve, just wanted to let you know I finally got through to 421-1188 today.  The woman said they were not a suicide crisis line.  I called the other number, they had a recording.  I think there are no options in this province.  Thanks for all you did getting me those numbers but for someone who is in desperate need of help I now have to think emerg would be the answer.  Again, thanks.
Feisty


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## Retired

Feisty,

We may have been given some inaccurate information on the telephone number for the mobile crisis service.

I just called them and they do offer 24 hour mobile service for mental health support and for help for people dealing with thoughts of suicide.

They will come to your home or to any other venue of your choosing, such as a restaurant etc.  You might want to ask them to come to your home.

I spoke to the volunteer, who would be eager to visit you, when you call.

*The correct number to call is (902) 429-8167*

Keep yourself safe until we can get you connected to the right resources in Halifax.

Keep us posted on developments, and we will keep trying to get through the obstacles to help you.

Our thoughts are with you, Feisty!!


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## Halo

Feisty,

That mobile service that Steve referred to really sounds like a great resource.  I hope that you can get in contact with them and get some much needed support.

Take it one moment at a time and you will make it through and don't forget that we are here for you :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo

Thanks, wrote it down, will call, I do need help.
Feisty


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## Retired

Feisty,

During difficult times, we need the support and help of those around us who are willing to help.

During difficult times, out thinking may become distorted, and so we need to remain in contact with trusted friends, family and support systems.

Your friends on Psychlinks are available to provide you with support and direction.

The people who provide the mobile crisis service in Halifax are there to help and they are only a phone call away.

When I spoke to the volunteer, it was obvious the service is staffed by people who enjoy helping people in distress.

They are available for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Please call them as soon as possible.  They can help because they are right there, and will come to you.


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## SoSo

My sister has talked to the nurse of her psychiatrist and was told to bring me with her on Monday for her appointment, then the psychiatrist might be able to see me also.  I hope so.  My sister is also picking me up later to take out to her place for the weekend as my heart is so bad now I know I will have to go to emerg and she wants to take me.  She said if I go through emerg I may get to see the specialist before a year like my GP told me.  I just feel so bad having to bother my sister or anyone.  As a child, if I got sick, I got yelled at "see, now I have to miss a whole days pay because of you, all you ever do is cause trouble, I wish you had died with your twin" so I see being sick as me being nothing but trouble.  I don't want to be sick, I want to be well, both mentally and physically but when I get sick physically like this I make myself sick mentally, if that makes sense.  I am so scared.  I think I am trying to hang in, just trying to find that one thing to grab onto and hold tight to, even if it is just my old Raggedy Ann doll, hold onto something till I can do it on my own I guess.  Thanks for all the help and support.
Feisty


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## ladylore

Of course you want to be well Feisty. And what you are going through right now is very serious and deserves immediate attention. Remember that you are the adult now. It doesn't sound like your sister will treat you the same way as you were treated when you were a kid. And if you are treated unfairly, you can speak up. Your the adult and you deserve to be well and to be taken seriously.


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## Retired

> I just feel so bad having to bother my sister or anyone.
> 
> ... so I see being sick as me being nothing but trouble



Friends and family help one another in times of need.  The way your family responded when you were ill as a child is dysfunctional, abnormal and downright cruel.

You must not allow distorted thinking to get in the way of your well being, and you must make every effort to get help.

Go with your sister to emergency, where you will be seen by someone who can help you.

_No one_ will scold you in the emergency department of the hospital. The people working there are dedicated to helping you, and you must get yourself there as soon as possible.


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## Cat Dancer

ladylore has some good advice. You're an adult now and you don't have to listen to those old voices. I know it's hard to shut them out of your head, but you can do it. You're such a strong person I believe. You deserve to get help and support when you're sick. You deserve kindness and care. Please do what you need to do to get the help you need.


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## SoSo

*Re: Hanging on...barely---update*

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still hanging in, not just hanging on barely, hanging in.  I haven't been well the past couple of weeks with the 'heart' stuff.  They have done ECG, am being hooked up with a portable monitor, etc.  I have managed to grab onto something that has given me a wee bit of hope, a book I bought for .49 cents at a thrift store about a month ago.  It is called Life Strategies by Dr. Phil and it is getting through the fog, somewhat!  I will keep on reading, keep hanging in till I get my strength back.  I just wanted to update and say thank you, thank you, thank you for being here for me when I needed it most.  I am still depressed but not in that very, very dark place anymore.
Feistyeek:


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## ladylore

*Re: Hanging on...barely---update*

Your most welcome and I am glad your hangin in.


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## Halo

Feisty,

You are so welcome but most of all I am glad to hear that you are hanging on and not in that really dark place anymore.  That is absolutely great 

I am glad too that you are getting your health concerns looked after as well :hug:

Take care and keep hangin on 
:hug: :hug:


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## Eye Stigmata

Keep fighting 
You would have so many people missing you!! Think of your family and friends who truly do love you...
I hope you find something that helps you!!! 
Alot of us have been there/ are there right now...just keep pushing forward


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