# Just some thoughts



## Zippy (Jan 11, 2006)

Not sure what my problem is, exactly...other then a lot of self-loathing and anger.  I've never kissed a girl and I'm 24.

I've only ever been on one date with a woman about 3 years ago.  I was unable to show her any affection at all, and instead I just sort of stayed quiet the whole time.  She would tell me I'm cute, and give me little hints that she was interested...then later, she even *told* me she wanted to have sex.  Nothing...I didn't do *anything*.  Clearly, I was attracted to her because I initiated the meeting with her.  But there's a part of me, I think, that just wants to curl up and fight anyone who gets near me.  And this part is what took over that night.

Then she sent me a letter saying she wasn't judgemental...So I wrote back to her and gave her this picture that insulted her.  She wouldn't talk to me anymore after that... A stupid thing to do, but I did it. It bothered me a little, but I just shrugged it off. 

 Recently, I came across her online journal from a couple years ago.  She writes about how disgusted and angry she was with all the retards she dated, and how lonely she was.  And this is what makes me really, really sad...But I'm not sure why I'm like this.  I could have made a difference in her life, but I was cold and selfish.

 I don't know why I want to be alone all the time!  I really miss her...but I just have to cope with her loss, even though I could show her no love to begin with...  

Anyway, that's just what's on my mind right now.  Probably shouldn't be in the 'relationships' section, as there was none.  But whatever...

Maybe I'll add this:  I constantly have to be working.  A relationship makes me too nervous, as I feel like I have to cut out the work I'm doing...this is a problem for me, I guess.


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## Peanut (Jan 12, 2006)

What was the picture of and why did you choose that picture to give her?  It sounds like whatever the picture was of, that's when things went really wrong for you in that particular relationship.


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## Diana (Jan 12, 2006)

Was it _always_ about the work for you?  Why do you think you're afraid to get close to someone?


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## Zippy (Jan 12, 2006)

Toeless-  I told her she looks like a cartoon character in a video game...A very weird, insane looking character...  And this was a picture of this character.  I feel stupid for doing it, because I don't think there's any way that I couldn't have known this was an insult.  It was just pure stupidity on my part that I did this.  Maybe I thought she'd had a sense of humor about it?  No idea...

Then I gave her another letter that I put in a bunch of really uber-pretentious song lyrics in.  They were so self-important.  Like *I* was the only person that matters, and she is so below me.  I'm really ashamed that I did this, again, it was just idiocy.  I don't know why I did this either, maybe I knew she wouldn't talk to me again and I wanted to be sure...Maybe I didn't really like her.  But I still care about her, I have feelings in my heart that I can't ignore 3 years later.

And I'm not sure that this girl really liked me or not.  She was a bisexual, and thought that I was gay until the last night I went out with her.  Maybe she was just trying to be polite to me, because she seemed very bored and sort of annoyed by me...:/

Diana- It is mostly about work.  I really want to be independent, 'm ambitious I guess...and right now I live with my parents with no paying job and feel upset about that...My mother is also sort of unstable and made me feel afraid of women, I'm very hypersensitive around them.  I'm afraid I might hurt them, so I'm very quiet around them...I'm afraid of bringing women to this house with my parents, I'm afraid of having women control me or know too much about me.  Also, I was born with one testicle and I've felt angry about it even though it is such a minor issue it shouldn't even exist, it does anyway...I feel sort of inferior to most men by default I guess.  Talk to myself a lot, whenever I go out (rarely) I just ignore others, do whatever very quickly and think about getting more work done.


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## Peanut (Jan 12, 2006)

> I told her she looks like a cartoon character in a video game...A very weird, insane looking character... And this was a picture of this character. I feel stupid for doing it, because I don't think there's any way that I couldn't have known this was an insult.


Ahh...ouch...live and learn I guess=)

I see that you were trying to express yourself though, through the song and the picture.  Maybe just try to be a little more genuine with girls, you know, be the author of your own thoughts and feelings.  Either that or choose more carefully=)
I think that it takes guys a little longer to mature than girls, and definitely everyone at their own speed.  I know lots of guys that are really into video games and it seems like (and this is purely from my own observations)  video games and relationships do not really go hand in hand.  I don't know if this is because girls don't like video games as much as guys or if it is because they are kind of isolating and are not conducive to meaningful social interactions.  Anyhow, if I were you, I would keep the video games more on the down low so to speak.  Also, I would not worry about the missing testicle.  I don't think that girls really care much at all about testicles...zero, one, two...it's all the same.  By the way, I'm also 24 so I am able relate somewhat to your situation.

Above all stop beating yourself up.  Nothing you did was that bad.  If not this girl, than there are many, many others looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Perfect.


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## Zippy (Jan 12, 2006)

Yeah, to be honest I think I'm passive aggressive...constantly thinking that people are making fun of me and stuff.  I guess I did that to her on purpose, to 'pay her back' or something.  I must have wanted to fail in that relationship. I think I went into that 'knowing' that she would hate me, and when she started trying to be nice I freaked out...I'm not sure. And if you knew me, you would know that I'm pretty immature and I love weird stuff and sick humor, all of that... I can't be serious about anything, and I act pretty silly to justify my lack of 'a life'.  It just comes with my own brain I guess... Anyway, thanks for your input.


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