# I don't understand my thoughts



## Floating (Jun 10, 2006)

Hello All,

I hope you are all doing better than how I am feeling! I just don't understand my own mind anymore, I went back to my Doctor two days ago, she has signed me off work for 10 days and changed my medication from Prozac to Efexor. Over the past fortnight or so I have just spiralled downwards very quickly and I really don't know why. I still work for the same company but have changed jobs to Human Resorces Manager, yes it can be stressful but I really enjoy it and don't think my job is the problem. Now that I've been signed off I feel like a failure, I've let the depression win. 

There are only a few people that know why I am off work and of them I feel as though I only have three people that are points of contact to the real world. I have my Mum's support and support from others but they don't live near me and the one that is hardest is that my Mum is about 900 miles away. 

I feel as though I have gone back to the beggining again, crying all the time, not sleeping, not eating properly, I'm totally exhasted all the time and feeling cut off from the world but at the same time I have to force myself to interact with anyone.

I just don't see the point anymore, I am so confused :frown:

Please if any of you have any advice for me, no matter how little it may seem, please help me.

Thank You


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 10, 2006)

Floating said:
			
		

> Now that I've been signed off I feel like a failure, I've let the depression win. ... I feel as though I have gone back to the beginning again, crying all the time, not sleeping, not eating properly, I'm totally exhausted all the time and feeling cut off from the world but at the same time I have to force myself to interact with anyone.



First, Floating, you are not a failure and the depression has not won. All this means is that your resources and resilience need some nurturing and rebuilding and that you need a change of treatment strategy - which partly involves a change in medications. Second, you're not necessarily going back to the beginning.

Depression is an illness. If you had recovered or partially recovered from the 'flu, and fell ill again, you wouldn't look at that as a failure - it would just be a recurrence of the illness. Or maybe a better analogy would be if you have an illness like pneumonia and are being treated with an antibiotic - you finish the antibiotic but it doesn't seem to have cleared up the infection or the illness and you start feeling worse again - that's not a failure - that just usually means you need to try a different antibiotic.

One other point: All of the research we have about depression is very clear - recovery is more complete and later relapses less likely with a combination of medication PLUS therapy (especially with a CBT component) than with either alone. I don't know if you have a therapist yet but I would strongly recommend that you talk to your doctor about this.


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## Floating (Jun 10, 2006)

Hi David,

Thank you, deep down I know I haven't failed but it's how I am feeling. I have spoken to my Doctor about seeing a therapist, but where I live there are very few and it will be some time before I will get an appointment to see one. Therapy does not scare me I have had it before for depression and also in my childhood due to violent abuse from my father as a child and teenager. He is a violent alcoholic.

Thanks Again


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 10, 2006)

Even if you have to be on a waiting list, it's worth it. The medication can take you only so far.

I went through a depression a number of years ago. I vividly remember the feeling, when I had to take a leave from work, that I had failed, even though I knew it was irrational, illogical. It's one of the symptoms of your depression - that's all - no more, no less.

Good luck, Floating. Keep us updated, okay?


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## Floating (Jun 10, 2006)

Thanks David,

I will keep posting, but it may not be for a few days now, I am just so burnt out.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 10, 2006)

Of course. Take care. And try to be kind and gentle to yourself right now.


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## foghlaim (Jun 10, 2006)

hello Floating: i just want to say that i can identify with your feelings. i too am going thru depression and have had my meds changed to effexor and others. and while they are helping a wee bit, i am waiting to start therapy as well. 

I hope you won't be waiting too long..
hang in there.
thinking of you

nsa.


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## ThatLady (Jun 10, 2006)

Oh, Floating, you haven't failed, hon. You're going through a bad patch, but that's not a failure. As Dr. Baxter said, it's like any other disease. Sometimes, we have relapses. Stress is a real factor in relapses of disease of any form, be it depression or pneumonia. You've just changed jobs. That's stressful! Even good events, events we really like (like a better job, or a wedding, or the birth of a child) are stressful. That stress can cause us some problems. I think that's probably what's happened to you.

With a bit of rest, a medication that works correctly for you, and some therapy, you'll be able to put this behind you. Just hang in there. We're here for you.


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## Floating (Jun 11, 2006)

I promise I am trying to think positively but I'm just finding it so difficult just now, I know there are all of you here that I can talk to but I just feel so alienated from the real world. I sometimes find "help" in poetry, both reading it and writing it, this is one I wrote just after my 18th birthday, I'm nearly 26 now.

Tear Drops in the Sky

As I try to survive this daily task
The one that they call life
The only things I am truley aware of
Are the ones not so nice

One that is always with me 
Always darkening my door
Is the Tear Drop in my eye
Never away, never asleep, always there

Another I cannot lose 
Is the pain and emptiness I feel
Everything I love leaves me
Everything I'm envolved in falls apart

The one I trusted most has gone
Left me all alone
The betrayal and insecurity felt
Is growing day by day

The person who said "Time Heals"
Was lying, at least for me anyway
As all I seem to do now 
Is fight against this thing called life

I'm only me, what did I do so wrong
I know I can't fight the world alone
I know I'm not capable of that
So why does it fight me?

Why when I care of try and help
Do I always land on my face
I try to do what I can
When I can, so why?

I need someone now, but so it seems
So does everyone else in life
Why when I need someone
Why is it the ones I trust

The ones I would talk too
Feel comfortable with
Why are they no where
No where to be seen

Yet when they are there
They tell you "anything" - 
"Anything and I'll be there for you
No matter the time of day or night"

Why is it when I ned help
The ones I want are never there?
I ask myself where are they
As they walk in and out of my life.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone, as it still confuses me at times!

Thanks and sorry it's such a long posting.


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## ThatLady (Jun 11, 2006)

Makes sense to me, hon. I can remember feeling that way, at times...feeling as though everything, and everyone, I thought I could depend on was unreachable. I think it's a part of depression, as depressed people tend to push people away rather than draw them close. It's part of a vicious cycle. Once the depression is under control we can learn to reach out without fear.

Your poem sounds like you felt you'd just lost someone important to you, and that there was nobody to replace this person...nobody to turn to when you needed support and help. I'll bet many here have felt the same. It's a terrible feeling.


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## Floating (Jun 11, 2006)

Thanks Thatlady,

At least it kind of makes some sense. I just keep asking myself the same question over and over again. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? I know that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, but why does it affect some and not others, how does it choose who to try and destroy and who to leave alone? I know it probably doesnt work like that but that is how I feel. Was it something I did in my childhood that I cant remember, or (dependant on belives) was it something I did in a previous life?

I just can't help but think I must have done something so terrible at some time or another to be getting punished this way.


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## Holly (Jun 11, 2006)

Hi Floating,
I really think Doc is giving you wonderful advise, I would like to add take care of you too! 
all the best from Holly


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 11, 2006)

It's not about what you did wrong or what you did to deserve this. All of us get handed stuff at some point in our lives. We do the best with what we have.

As I've said before, we can't control the cards we're dealt - only what we do with the hand we're holding.


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## ThatLady (Jun 11, 2006)

Sweetie, you don't have to do something wrong to be a victim of depression, any more than those who have diabetes had to do something wrong to get it. These are diseases. They don't strike people because they are "bad people". Much of the reason for one person having one of these diseases and another not can be traced to genetic tendencies. In some cases, lifestyle or upbringing can play a part. There can be any number of reasons why one person will have diabetes, another will have a congenital heart defect, and another will suffer from depression. None of those reasons have anything to do with anything that person has done.


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## Rosa (Jun 11, 2006)

Hi Floating, 
Looks like you've gotten lots of good advice. Many of us here have struggled with feeling like we've lost because of the depression, but as long as we're here we have not lost. Like others before me have said, depression is an illness and just like any other illness it needs treatment. Try to take this time to do some things for yourself-I know you might not feel much like it but little things might make a big difference right now, I would definately get my name on the list for therapy as well, Therapy has helped me alot and theres no reason you should go about this alone,. I'm glad you found us here.
Be well
Rosa


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