# Friendships with ex-lovers



## hugsy

do friendships with ex lovers work?  can there be true friendship after a break up?


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## David Baxter PhD

*ex friendships*

Certainly. In my life it has happened -- not often, but it has happened (twice). Sometimes, depending on the circumstances of the breakup, it may take a while for one or both of you to get past the hurt.


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## just mary

*ex friendships*

It's happened in my life also.  Both people have to be willing and mature enough to handle it, and I also think it has a lot to do with how the relationship ended.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

i'm considering it, have said i would give it a try.  not sure if i'm ready. but am willing.  he is too.  actually he always wanted us to remain friends.  we always were friends during our relationship.  not sure if it will work but will give it a try.  any advice on how to handle it?


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## just mary

*ex friendships*

Hi,

You sound a bit hesitant but that's alright, it's good to be a bit cautious.  As for advice, I could say a few things:

1. Remember that you are not a couple anymore, a dinner out will just be a dinner out, afterwards you'll probably each go your seperate ways.

2. He'll date again, meet someone new, are you prepared to deal with that and with her (she might feel a bit odd about her boyfriend hanging out with his ex - which is understandable).

3. Don't expect him to treat you the same way, he might look at you as just "one of the guys" now, which means no more perks since he's not going to "get any".  Oh my, I hope that didn't sound too cynical, I know not all men are like that. 

Maybe I'll stop now before I get myself into more trouble, but good luck and take care Hugsy!


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## ThatLady

*ex friendships*

I've had it work and had it fail. So much depends on the people involved and their determination to be friends through thick and thin. It's not always easy, and memories that surface can make it more difficult. Some people can deal with problems like this more easily than others. You'll just have to take it slowly and see where things go from here.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

we tried it before a few times.  each time, i told him i couldn't do it because i still had feelings for him and it was too hard.  i still have feelings for him now.  so i'm not sure about it working now either.  i think he still has feelings for me too but doesn't want a commitment.  i will give it another try.  but i don't know.


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## Impunity Jane

*ex friendships*

Hugsy, 

I would be very cautious in your case, since you say you have feelings for him and think he may too.  To me, this is setting yourself up for false hopes of it turning into something else.  Also, you are denying what you want, a full relationship, in order to give him what he wants, the benefit of having you as a friend and maybe acting out some of his desires for intimacy without any commitment.

The biggest problem is that as long as you stay involved with this guy, you are unlikely to get involved with someone else.  I would tell him I need time to get over my feelings and I'll let him know when I'm ready to see him as a friend.  That probably won't happen until you have another man in your life.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

hi Jane,
it has been a bit rocky.  sometimes hard, sometimes easy.  but yes, i do find myself wishing for the kind of relationship we had when we were living together.   and wonder if that can happen again.  he says no, but i think maybe.  i don't know how long this will continue.  maybe until i meet someone new.  i'm staying open to meeting new people.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

this is so hard.  i don't even know why i am trying to do this.  at what point do you say to yourself "it's worth having this friendship, even if it hurts sometimes" and at what point do you give up?  what am i holding on to?  his reasons for wanting us to be friends are my definition of love.  i don't understand him.   ugh


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## David Baxter PhD

*ex friendships*

I think what you probably need to do is start defining the boundaries for this "new" friendship according to what you are comfortable with. So far, it seems like he's defining the 'rules" and you are waiting for clarification and trying to understand what they are. You might find it easier if you took the initiative...

If that doesn't work, sometimes Monty Python's fish-slapping dance will help ease the tension a bit... ;o)


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

thanks David

monty python eh?  humor does help 

i just feel so frustrated.  maybe i want more than friendship. :-(


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## David Baxter PhD

*ex friendships*

I suspect you do. But it seems he doesn't. Therein lies the problem, of course. But at the moment he is setting all the "rules" while you wait patiently hoping they'll start to turn in your favor. That sense of helplessness will only prolong your distress.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

i feel horrible today. how do i turn this around? what do i do? i can't stand feeling helpless, waiting for him to want the same thing i want.  i realize i've been doing just that. waiting. when i feel like this i just feel like running.  am i running away from finding a solution or am i running away for my own best interest?  i feel confused.


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## David Baxter PhD

*ex friendships*

That's exactly what I'm talking about, Hugsy. It's the waiting helplessly that is making this all so difficult for you. If you need to run away from him for a while to find peace, so be it -- that is often the case in such situations. It may well be that you can be comfortably "just friends" at some point in the future but it may not be possible just now.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

i've done that a few times already.  told him that i can't be his friend for the moment.  maybe i can never see him as just a friend. :-( 
i'm confused about the finding peace thing.  
the weather today matches my feelings.  :-(     stormy


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

he's talking about maybe getting into a relationship with a woman he's dated twice. 
i can't do this.  i just sent him an email telling him goodbye :-(


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## ThatLady

*ex friendships*

Good for you. It sounds to me like this guy is mostly thinking about himself and what he wants. He has little thought for you and your feelings. Best thing to do, in my opinion, is to cut him loose.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

i know it's best but it's still hard.  it's been almost two years since we split up and i still feel the same toward him.  i wish someone would come into my life who would help me forget him.  i need to.


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## David Baxter PhD

*ex friendships*

But in truth the first step is letting go of him. Even if someone new came into your life today, would you be ready to have him in your life? Maybe someone new has already come into your life but you weren't able to see him because you hadn't yet let go of this person.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

you are right, there have been a few new men but i have not been able to give them a chance.  how do you let go?


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## Impunity Jane

*ex friendships*

Hi Hugsy, I only check in from time to time, it seems this is really bothering you.

For me, letting go of someone usually means the rational, grown-up part of myself has to take charge and say firmly 'what you want is never going to happen' to the more emotional, child part of myself.  

When the feelings come back intensely I sit down and make a list on paper of all the reasons it can't, won't, wouldn't ever have worked.  I write down all the things I need that he can't give me, and all the things I didn't like about how he behaved. 

I also remind myself of someone else in the past, that it was agony to let go of, but now when I think about him I say, what was the big deal, what did I see in him?

And I find the instant I meet someone else who I'm interested in, the other guy is forgotten.  Anything you can do to get out and flirt, even if you don't follow it up, would help.


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## Mrs. King

*ex friendships*

My sympathy, Hugsy. I was having a terrible time waiting for somebody else to decide my fate in a similar way. I felt I would go mad waiting for his decision. In the end, I decided myself never to see him again. It was horribly hard, but at least then I knew where I was heading, and it had been my choice. Every time this man smashes your hopes to the ground, isn't it like the initial pain all over again? How many times can you live through that in two years? If this man was any kind of friend, he would see your distress and stop contacting you. I read that the Rotweiller that savages you cannot also be the doctor who heals you. Do you want to be his friend, or do you want to get well? Sometimes, we can't do both but at least, by dropping him, you get to decide the ending, with dignity.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

i want to get well.  i want him out of my system no matter how hard. and it is hard.  i want to feel that i chose myself over him.  i want to keep my dignity.  i don't want to let him smash my hopes anymore.  i'm tired.  i want to stop feeling what i feel for him.  and i want to figure out how to stop reacting to rejection in the way that i'm reacting.  i want to learn how to deal with rejection so that it doesn't affect me in such a strong way. i want to stop romanticizing and see the truth, accept the truth and let it go so that i can enjoy my life.  i want to eventually find someone whom i can be happy with.  i want to be well within myself so that when i do meet someone i can give it a real chance and not have all this baggage interfering and making things difficult.
in the meantime i'll do the list thing.  every time i want to contact him i'll sit down and write all the negative stuff about him and the relationship we had.  for some reason i have been remembering the good things and not the bad.  
thanks for your replies.  i've been wanting to contact him (very strongly today) and have been making myself not do it.  i've been doing it by sheer will.  but the list thing is a better idea because it reminds me of the stuff i don't like, the stuff that makes me angry and that will keep me from contacting him more effectively than sheer will.  sometimes i lack will power, so the list is a very good idea.  
strength makes me feel good.  he takes away my strength.  
sigh
i want to figure out why i love this man.  there must be a reason that i'm not seeing and is keeping me from moving on.


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## Lawz

*ex friendships*

Hugsy I am in a similar situation and I am forever trying to figure out the connection between us - I could write an essay on our history but won't (far too long!) and I'll probably end out confusing myself again - like what you seem to be doing!

.. So I'll just say that now, although (to be honest) my heart hasn't written him out of my future, I have decided to take myself out of the situation where we see eachother often, because we are both weak for eachother - but it just doesn't seem to be right -probably partly because I've been so unhappy with myself and depressed but I just don't know really.  I'm leaving the country in a few weeks (not entirely because of him) .

I Loved your last post - as well as the list, why don't you turn all those 'wants' into 'ams' -   'i am getting well'  ... 'i have kept my dignity' ...  even if you don't believe them! - they are amazing statements that you could affirm to hold onto your strength.  - I might borrow them myself!   ( But hold up when it gets to ' i want to contact him' etc! - Perhaps 'I don't need to contact him' )

I am feeling generally positive about my own future now, but I sure do still get those pangs for him but realise they generally hold me back from the options available to me - I love him lots but am letting go, and still have friendship with him which I would hate to lose.  Love and strength to you : )


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## Impunity Jane

*ex friendships*

Hi Hugsy,

I have not read it but there is a book called "Don't call that man!", about how to let go in your situation - It hadn't been published when I needed it.  One big part of the process is to make sure you don't have any contact with the guy until you are over him.

Don't Call That Man!: A Survival Guide to Letting Go: Findling, Rhonda: 8601406331365: Amazon.com: Books.

There is also the bestselling book 'He's just not that into you' which is kind of silly but does help to knock some sense into you, and remind you of your own value so you can  walk away.

So it is a very common problem to feel so attached to someone who at first seemed to offer so much and then doesn't want a relationship.  I think our self-worth is tied in to having the relationship.  But you can get over the feelings and come back to yourself, it will just take time when he is not part of your life at all.


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## Impunity Jane

*ex friendships*

Hmm, the hyper link didn't work.

I searched Amazon.com for 'Don't call that man'.



_[Admin edit: link fixed - see above]_


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

thanks Jane.  i've looked them up on the web.

thanks Lawz, love and strength to you too.  hope things work out better for you wherever you are moving to.

for me, one day at a time.  not so bad today.  remembering the bad stuff really works.  makes me angry so that i can say "no more".  i can't say that i don't feel for him anymore, but i do realize that letting go is what i need to do. for me.  

who knows, maybe some day he and i can have a friendship.  just not now.


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## hugsy

*ex friendships*

how can i truly give someone else a chance if i still have these feelings?  what if i never get rid of my feelings for him? it's been a long time and they're still there.... i'm scared


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## John

*ex friends*

Hi hugsy,
             i have just came out of a 4 year relationship, i am in the same situation as you, what is working for me is not thinking of the bad things, as then how can you build a friendship when all you have been doing is concentrating on the bad things?
What i done when i got divorced 4 years ago, i would think of the things my ex wife was doing with her new man (now husband) and it would hurt like hell, but the more time went by the less the thoughts hurt me, today we are best of friends.
My recent breakup was the worst , now, i use the same thing, i think of her and another and yes it damn hurts, but again as time goes on the thoughts dont hurt so much, i use it as a gauge to my feelings, yes i done all the romantic thoughts, and after a while i realised that i was just building hopes and hurting who? ME, and in any relationship that breaks up, who is the most important of the two YOU. 
Time the great healer, i hated people saying that to me, for wounds yes, for memories, not so easy. I have decided that i will not even attempt another relationship until i know the gauge of my feelings is over. I too took the bull by the horns and i stopped ALL contact with her, and i even went as far as telling all those that know her and me, not to tell me anything about her, it works, trust me, in time you will realise that all the thoughts are actually in your head, and never become reality, yes i still hope (a little) but i use it as a way of picking me up now and then (i was close to ending my life) so, if you want to build on a friendship, dont stick to the bad thoughts. It is so easy to forget all the good times and create anger because you are not getting what you want. Think of this... if you were not to contact him, would he contact you? in time maybe, and why, because with you contacting him, and probably repeating yourself over and over, he has a choice, he has you hanging in the wings, to pick you up, and when he drops you... you will fall a lot harder. Some couples use each others emotions against them, would you be feeling this way if it was you who broke it off?


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