# Should I stay or should I go? Understanding relationships



## Emotions_Blocked (Jul 22, 2011)

I am a 28yr old male who is into his first relationship that could be  mentioned as "serious". I started dating her about 10 months ago, when I  was going through another breakup. I didn't have the usual "crush" I  usually have when I meet someone I like, but feelings built rather  slowly and progressively. I proposed her to move in together three or  four months after we started dating. Lately, I have doubts.

I spent a long part of my adult post-teenager life trying to make up for my incredible shyness at high-school,  and my huge need of affection. These two often conflict with each other:  Making up for shyness meant dating as a hobby, flirting massively and  all that, and need of affection meant quickly moving with someone I met  to actions that one does only if he is very very sure about his  feelings.

I guess my current relationship is a victim of the  latter. Soon after I moved in with my girlfriend, I started losing my  attraction towards her. I noticed she did not at all suit my taste with  regards to clothing or style, even if she is objectively an attractive  woman. As I often had a tendency of taking hasty decisions, I convinced  myself it was temporary, and tried to focus on convincing her to dress  differently. 

Unfortunately, this did not go away, and soon I  started feeling the need to "look around". I noticed attractive women on  my working or daily life environment, and even if I didn't act on my  opportunities to flirt, my need for sexual satisfaction was so big that  one time I visited a prostitute.

As it was the first time in my  life to actually actively cheat on someone, I felt very bad after it,  even though sexually I was completely satisfied. I tried to comfort  myself by talking to other males of my age and noticing they often had  "innocent adventures" that revitalized their relationship, and thought  that even if it was a very bad move, it wouldn't have to be  catastrophic, and that I could use it to reach to some conclusions as to if I really still want my girlfriend  or not.

Some time went by, and my urge to go out, flirt, and meet  other women comes to the surface again. I tried to borrow it by  focusing on other things, such as my job or hobbies and games, but ...

I  recently exchanged intense stares with a girl on the street, and I was  so tempted to talk to her. I still think about this incident all the  time.

What is going on? Did I lose interest at her? Am I just delaying the inevitable just because I am scared of the consequences? (living alone again, the whole practical aspect of moving out etc). Is it a normal situation for a relationship that goes for more than couple of months? Do I have the right to convince her to dress according to my taste or should I just find someone who already does it because she likes so?

For the record, please note that with my last relationship - two or three years ago - I didn't even turn my head to watch when a girl passed-by. I considered my girlfriend to be the best looking girl of the world and I remember my heart beating fast when I was about to meet her. 

Last question: Is this an issue to talk to a therapist?


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## Yuray (Jul 22, 2011)

*Re: Should I stay or should I go: Understanding relationships*



> Last question: Is this an issue to talk to a therapist?


Unless you can talk to friends, or people in  here, and have your questions answered satisfactorily, (right or wrong), someone with skills in these matters might be a good idea.


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## Daniel (Jul 22, 2011)

*Re: Should I stay or should I go: Understanding relationships*

Yeah, you certainly would benefit from talking to a therapist. 



> What is going on? Did I lose interest at her? Am I just delaying the inevitable just because I am scared of the consequences? (living alone again, the whole practical aspect of moving out etc).



In other words, is it love or something else, like "emotional hunger"?   

For example:



> It is painful but bearable for people to experience these feelings of hunger and face their own emotional needs. Unfortunately, most individuals choose to deny or avoid this pain as they did when they were young. They seek outlets or choose courses of action that help them deny their pain or kill off the sensations of aloneness. They create fantasies of connecting themselves to others and imagine that they belong to each other. When these fantasy bonds are formed, real love goes down the drain. The emotions of love and respect for others disappear as we become possessive and controlling and as we make use of one another as a narcotic to kill off sensations of hunger and pain.
> 
> Emotional Hunger Vs. Love | Psychology Today





> Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.
> 
> The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship | Psychology Today





> Additionally, they may have feared going within themselves (or, for that matter, eliciting professional help) to learn just why their relationship had gone sour. Feeling hollow, desolate and forsaken--and without the ability to self-soothe--they hastily paired up with the first available person they could find...
> 
> In the mind of an individual unable to tolerate the emotional vacuum of dis-connectedness, it must certainly feel that almost _anything _is better than the unnerving void of being alone. But I myself would argue that if you can develop a secure, nurturing relationship with _yourself_, you're in a much better position to "stabilize" your thoughts and feelings after a failed relationship and patiently wait for the right person. To me, such an alternative is far preferable to making _any_ person the "right" person simply because he or she can immediately fill what is "abhorred" as an unbearable vacuum.
> 
> Human Nature Abhors a Vacuum, Too | Psychology Today


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