# Why did I?



## Lonewolf (Feb 11, 2014)

For some stupid reason my impulsiveness lead me to completely shaving my head!! I felt like   s/h, but for some ridiculous, stupid reason I shaved my head!! Completely! I feel totally stupid and wish id reached for a s/h tool instead of the electric shaver!!! I'm very embarrassed and wish the deep, dark ditch I am in, would just swallow me up right now!!!
I would so much rather be nursing a wound than trying to cope with how much more of a idiot i look, than usual!! Especially as i have a deep scar on my head from an op a few years ago that im concious of and that's stupid too, considering all of my other scars don't bother me at all!!! 
I need to know why on earth i shaved my hair off!!! I haven't done this for 5-6 years!!! Im so stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!


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## Ftbwgil (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Hi Lonewolf  

It seems to me like you might have some thoughts and struggles in yout mind.... maybe anger .... confusion..... regret .... shame ..... and you are now feeling all of these emotions..... maybe shaving your head was a subconscious way to really feel these emotions... sort of a justification for feeling all those emotions when deep down there are emotions in you that are related to other reasons.

Its hair it will grow back  Good luck lonewolf


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## Lonewolf (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Is anybody out there?? Just don't want to be on my own!!!  Im so sorry to ask, night times feel so overwhelming!!! I sometimes wish I could just sleep all the time, at the moment it seems impossible!


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## GDPR (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

I have never shaved my head,but I have had to fight the urge to do it many times.I have shaved my eyebrows off many times though,and have regretted it.

Sorry you couldn't fight the urge.It will grow back though.Maybe buy a nice hat to wear for awhile or something?


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## Retired (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

We understand you are struggling, Lonewolf but you must understand that our members might have other things going on in their lives.

Remember,  that Psychlinks is not a chat room, but rather a forum where people come and go.  No one is expected to remain online continuously.

Responses in a day or two are the norm in an online forum.  Anything sooner can be considered a bonus.

Don't be beating yourself up.  In fact, some people think a shaved head is fashionable.  You have options....wear a hat or get a wig if you feel uncomfortable with your shaved head.  Learn from your experience to find ways to deal with your anxiety the next time.

See the experience as a learning opportunity.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

I guess its not so much the shaved head that's doing my head in!!! Its the reasons why I did it that are bugging me!!! I am not really ready to discuss them, it's all still very, very upsetting for me!!!  I am just so stupid! I am an idiot! I could go on and on about my inadequacies,  but I don't want to bore you all to tears with it!!! The bald head is a constant reminder of where im at!!!

---------- Post Merged at 08:02 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:58 PM ----------

Im sorry, I didn't mean to make a nuisance of myself. I Apologies!!! I don't feel safe!!! Im  sorry!!! Am very embarrassed now!!! If I am not wanted here, please let me know! I a  having a really bad time of it and I appreciate others have their own cross to bear, but I don't know where else to turn to??  Im sorry to have annoyed anyone!!!


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## GDPR (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*



> See the experience as a learning opportunity



That's what I was going to say,but forgot to.

There's no sense in beating yourself up for what you have done,it's already done,it can't be undone,and all you can do is let your hair grow back out.I'm sure the next time you get the urge you will remember this and most likely not let the urge get the best of you.

I am ashamed to say this,but right now I have 3 burns on my body.I also couldn't resist the urge.At first I was beating myself up for it,but what's the point in doing that? It's not going to make them heal faster,not going to prevent them from scarring or anything,so all I can do is learn from it.....

---------- Post Merged at 08:13 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:11 PM ----------



Lonewolf said:


> The bald head is a constant reminder of where im at!!!



Same with my burns...


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## Retired (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*



> If I am not wanted here, please let me know!



Has nothing to do with it and you are most welcome here, Lonewolf.  Sometimes we forget that forums are not expected to be real time environments such as a chat room...that's all.

My remarks should not be seen as anything other than just a gentle reminder.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

I am trying to deal with being attacked last week!! Im not doing a good job of it right now, it's quite literally haunting me! I am sorry to have taken up anyone's precious time trying to have a safe place for a few minutes!! I apologise, may be it is my own fault!!! Im really sorry!!!!
Sometimes I forget the different time zones, I apologise again!! I am truly sorry, I regret even breathing to be honest!!!


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## Retired (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*



> I am sorry to have taken up anyone's precious time trying to have a safe place for a few minutes!! I apologise, may be it is my own fault!!! Im really sorry!!!!....I regret even breathing to be honest!!!



Lonewolf,

Can you see that these remarks are unnecessary and that you seem to be lashing out at people who are trying to help you?  

We are here to help when we can, and all that we ask is that you remember that we are not sitting at our computers at every moment of the day.



> I am trying to deal with being attacked last week!



What's this all about?  What happened?


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## Lonewolf (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Hey, don't worry about it!!! Im sorry I lashed out!! I truly apologise! Bit screwed up, didn't mean to take it out on you guys!!!!! Maybe, can talk about it when its not so raw!!!


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## Mari (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Why did you shave your head? I did the same a few years ago but it does grow back although living with it in the interim is a bit difficult. My hair grows quickly so it is now back down to my waist but I do plan to get it cut soon but nicely, no more silly shaving. I would say stupid but my therapist is encouraging me not to use negative words about myself. I can understand the feeling of being alone but we are here even if we cannot always respond right away. Like you, it is also difficult sometimes to know what to say.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 11, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Someone has really hurt me recently and I don't understand why but instead of grabbing something to hurt myself because of the guilt I now feel, I found myself wanting to shave my hair off, partly so that id look abit like a bloke and someone not to be messed with and also because it made me feel a little bit cleaner! I can tell you it hasn't worked!!  nothing has worked!!


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## MHealthJo (Feb 12, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Just wanted to say a couple things hun...

- Always remember that when someone reminds you that we are not always available, they are never mad at you and you haven't done anything wrong. Don't worry.

We understand that desperation definitely sometimes comes through in a post.  Hopefully people understand that a sense of just feeling desperate doesn't mean that you are mad at anyone for not being there, or that you expect them to always be there. Sometimes feelings are just hard, and you feel desperate. I hope I am understanding this right, coming across in your posts sometimes?  It is just feelings and the way they come across.  

Maybe you can clarify it for them, if this is what it is? If you did that, hopefully it would help people understand that things will just feel a bit desperate and come across a bit desperate sometimes, but it doesn't actually mean you are having unrealistic expectations or anything? 

- The other thing I wanted to say is maybe it is not really stupid or terrible or anything for you to have shaved your head? Maybe it allowed you to sort of express something? 

It did not actually harm you. Maybe it could be considered somewhat in a positive way, even? It did not harm you and seems like it's sort of... almost less 'devaluing' to you maybe, than hurting yourself with some sort of wound?

I do not really know of course, but I just wanted to say that maybe there is another way of thinking about things sometimes. 

You are not stupid. You are a person suffering with difficult problems and have also just been through something traumatic, and your therapist is temporarily unavailable.

If you are still alive, then you still have a chance to recover from things and experience better times in life. I am proud of you that you are still here and those chances are still there for you. You have resisted hurting yourself  or destroying yourself and instead, you expressed something through a drastic change of appearance. But a lot of people use that way of expressing feelings sometimes. Who knows what other sorts of negative things it may have prevented you doing?

We learn and experiment with different ways of dealing with feelings, and maybe this is a way that you have done that.... I know that if consciously for a variety of reasons, a shaved head is not actually what you want, I know that you may still be very upset about it though and these words may seem empty. But just remember that you are not stupid and people could say that other options you could have taken are much more stupid. 

I think experimenting in safer ways is something that can help us learn new things. So if looked at in a more general way, I think it does say something about how you have moved into a phase of experimenting with new ideas while you wait for your therapy provider to become available again. 

Remember that both of these things - experimenting with new ideas, and reaching out for therapy which you have done - are very positive. So in a larger sense, you could even look at an experiment (something new) which you regret, could still be considered a positive to be proud of; maybe a learning experience. If you keep doing the exact same thing and not try different things, you don't experience anything new or learn anything.

Hugs xx


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## Lonewolf (Feb 12, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

I apologise to you all for my behaviour yesterday,  I had no need to take it out on any of you!! I am not in good place and I am so damn frightened about stuff, it felt safe here!! No excuse, so sorry!!!


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## MHealthJo (Feb 12, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Please don't worry! xx


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## Ftbwgil (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Hello Lonewolf sorry your going through all this turmoil.  Please remember me included...... most people on this website have been hurt one way or another..... so whenever you write something ... its understood a lot more than you think.... and no one will judge you for what you say... no one at all.. if anything compassion and understanding is felt.  That is what you need to think before you write..... not that you will be judged .... but that you will have people who can relate to your situation and have compassion.

And so I cannot see and understand why you would apologize for what you are saying.  This forum is a sfe place to share with people who care.  Something happened to you and Im sorry.  If you are not talking about it on this forum .... I hope you find someone a friend therapist someone who you trust to unload this trauma you recently encountered. 

If you keep it bottled inside it will eat away at you. 

When I write in this website I do it for me first..... secondly I hope someone can draw something from it.   But the real goal for me utilizing this website is to empty my wastebasket of emotions turmoils issues etc.  I now realize if it does not come out through words or writing then it will come out through physical and emeotional symptoms.
encourage you to share ........ for yourself
I


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## Lonewolf (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

Thankyou!! I'm struggling with how I can tell someone about things because the other stuff that happened I was a kid, has mingled with it all!! lots of memories of consequences I had as a result of talking about it!!! I understand I'm now an adult and am not in the same situation,  but the feelings I am bombarded with are much the same!! He invaded my space! He took whatever little femininity I had left! He hurt me! I don't know where to go from here? I am sorry!! It happened in my home, the home I love and felt safe in and now I am scared to be here!! I can't even contemplate moving!! This is the only place in my whole life,  that I have settled in, felt safe in!!!


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## Lonewolf (Feb 16, 2014)

*Re: why did I?*

This conversation is carried on in the abuse forum  Click HERE!!! 

Im really sorry for the confusion!!!


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