# Defeated



## kelsischanging (Oct 28, 2009)

I feel defeated and am ready to give up.  I have felt this way the past several nights but my depression/mania are always worse at night so I usually try to hang on until the morning but now it is early afternoon and I still feel like I want to committ suicide.  

I tried to commit suicide about two and half years ago and have really felt like I have been making progress since then especially recently, but now here I am at the same place wanting the same thing I wanted two and half years ago.

I guess what is keeping me from doing anything is the fact that if I fail again it will just seriously screw up my life like it did last time.  I only have two more semesters left before I get my bachelors degree and two and half years ago I had to take off for a whole semester so I don't want to have to do that again.

I'm just such a broken person.  I'm not sure I'm worth fixing anymore or if it's even possible. :sigh:  Thanks for reading this.


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## Daniel (Oct 28, 2009)

What treatment are you currently getting now?    Are you taking antidepressants?

I assume you are still seeing a psychiatrist/doctor for meds, but are you currently seeing a therapist?


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## kelsischanging (Oct 28, 2009)

I am seeing a psychiatrist for my meds and I see a therapist about every two or three weeks.


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## Daniel (Oct 28, 2009)

You may want to call both of them and let them know you are feeling worse.  Your therapist, for example, may be able to see you sooner.   (Therapists get cancellations all the time.) And your psychiatrist may want to make a med adjustment.


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## kelsischanging (Oct 28, 2009)

I emailed my therapist to try and get in sooner than my next appointment in two weeks.


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## Daniel (Oct 28, 2009)

> I'm just such a broken person.  I'm not sure I'm worth fixing anymore or if it's even possible


What happens to me, at least, when I have a setback (which sometimes isn't even a setback except in my own mind), is that I then tend to see it as a sign that things will always be that way.  This relates to the irrational beliefs that CBT tries to challenge.  One of them is catastrophizing:



> Falling prey to catastrophizing is like striking out in your mind before you even get to the plate. Both of these types of catastrophizing limit your opportunities in life, work, relationships and more. It can affect our entire outlook in life, and create a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, disappointment and underachievement...
> 
> The first step to dealing with catastrophizing is to recognize when you’re doing it....
> 
> What is Catastrophizing? | Psych Central


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## forgetmenot (Oct 28, 2009)

Hey Kelseym I hope you were able to get a hold of your doctors.  Can you talk with a councillor at school until you reach your doctors  You are doing so well with your progress try to distract yourself until you can see someone.  I hope you start feeling better soon  Can you call a friend just to talk go out get a coffee  Stay strong okay


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 28, 2009)

kelseym said:


> I'm just such a broken person.  I'm not sure I'm worth fixing anymore or if it's even possible.



It is possible. And you most certainly are worth it. All of us are broken in certain ways; life tends to do that to us. But that doesn't have to stop you from doing whatever you want to do, with a little help.

*"The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~ Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms*​


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## Eye Stigmata (Oct 28, 2009)

I'm not sure what to say to make you feel better. But I hope you take the advice from above and call for some help.
Maybe call a help line in the mean while? Just so you can vent...might make you feel a bit better.

Sometimes when I'm in a really rotten mood, I finger paint. I've just recently started doing this, but seriously...makes me feel like I'm 5 again. Hahaha

Hang in there


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## kelsischanging (Oct 29, 2009)

ok so I made an appointment with my therapist for Monday(the soonist I could get in) and I am trying to reach out to my best friend...I promised myself I wouldn't do anything until I talked with my therapist.  I will make a decision after Monday.:blank:  

Thank-you all for your responses.  This website is such a valuable tool.


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## white page (Oct 29, 2009)

Hi Kelseym,



> I am trying to reach out to my best friend.


That is such a good thing to do for yourself. Have you anyone you can be with over the weekend? 



			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> It is possible. And you most certainly are worth it. All of us are broken in certain ways; life tends to do that to us. But that doesn't have to stop you from doing whatever you want to do, with a little help.



I echo this one 100%  I am a survivor from my own self destruction attempt. And heck I am so glad now.


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## Banned (Oct 29, 2009)

Hi kelseym,

I'm so glad you're able to get into your therapist on Monday, and that you've reached out.  It's really tough being in that place.  I hear you.  I think most of us here hear you and understand.  

I hope you will choose life.  You don't need to put a timeline on making a decision...minute by minute, hour by hour.  That's all.  

Today, I found out that a former co-worker of mine passed away quite suddenly.  She was so young.  It hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I'm sitting here pondering it...wondering "why?"  I barely know her any more (it's been a few years since we worked together) and if her death is impacting me this way, I can only imagine how the people close to her are grieving.  I tell you this so that you understand that there is a ripple effect - the decisions we make will impact far more people than we can imagine.  Whether they are good decisions or bad, they are far-reaching.  Suicide impacts people you've never met.  And it deprives people you might meet in the future of the amazing opportunity to get to know you.

Sometimes, when I'm thinking about taking my life (and I won't kid you - I think about it often, almost daily, and have for years) I keep one thought going in my head.  It's nothing deep, or heavy, but I realize how insulting it would be to those around me that are trying to help me find life - how insulting it would be to them to know I gave up before I gave them a chance.  I don't like hurting or offending others, so for me, it helps me hang on, even if it's just for another day.  It's not a guilt thing...it's simply a fact - I need to give them a chance.

You may or may not find anything helpful in this post, but I hope you'll choose life, and know that your beauty and charisma are far-reaching.


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## Chain Lightning (Nov 1, 2009)

ok,  I'm coming onto this a little late but want to say not only hang in there...but let us know how it goes Monday.  We want to know you're ok...or if not still, post if you're not ok too.


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## kelsischanging (Nov 1, 2009)

I'm loosing my nerve to talk to my therapist.  I mean I will still go to my appointment on Monday but it has been so hard in my past to say the words, "I'm thinking about suicide".  I've been in this situation before and when I finally did see my therapist I just acted like everything was ok. 

I don't want to do that tomorrow, because I know I need help with this or something bad will happen.  My question is how do I approach this with my therapist??  How do I tell him that I am feeling really suicidal and will probably act on it.  I've been in therapy for six years with the same therapist, why is it still so hard for me to tell him when something like this is going on??  Maybe I'm just scarred.


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## Daniel (Nov 1, 2009)

What about just writing it down in a journal? Then you can maybe copy and paste from that, print it out, and hand that over as a starting point.


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## GGaze (Nov 1, 2009)

@ Keysym. To be honest I don't know much about feelings of suicide as I have never felt that way but my heart truly goes out to you for being in such a sad and lonely place. A previous post said that there is always a ripple effect and you need to know that its true. There is nothing worse for those left behind than to try and understand the "why" and to have to try and get through each day with such a deep sadness in their heart.

I cannot understand how hard it is but want you to know how important it is to just say the words of how you feel so that you can get the help you need. We are all special and treasured and so are you and we all bring something unique to this earth and you do too. Even if you reach out to just one person it will make a difference for you.


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## Banned (Nov 1, 2009)

Hey kelseym,

I'm glad to hear from you. 

Yes, your appointment tomorrow will be hard, so how about starting with that?  "This is really hard and difficult for me to talk about, but I need to let you know that I'm having serious suicidal thoughts."  Your therapist will know how to handle and direct the conversation in a compassionate and caring manner.  

Or, perhaps you can email him ahead of time?  I used to do that...I would email my therapist and say that I was feeling really suicidal but was willing to hang on until my next appointment, but that's what I needed to talk about and I was emailing ahead of time so I couldn't chicken out.  That way she also had a head's up.

It'll be scary but I know you can do it.  You've shown so much courage just by reaching out here.  

Let us know how it goes, please?


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## kelsischanging (Nov 1, 2009)

Thank you for the suggestions...I think I will do a combo of emailing him before hand and also having somethings written down so I don't chicken out.  I will let you know how it goes!


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## forgetmenot (Nov 1, 2009)

Just sending you some support for tomorrow hope you get support and help needed to make you feel better. :friends:


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## white page (Nov 2, 2009)

kelseym said:


> Thank you for the suggestions...I think I will do a combo of emailing him before hand and also having somethings written down so I don't chicken out.  I will let you know how it goes!



Let us know how you make out today Kelseym. I'm thinking of you.:hug:


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## kelsischanging (Nov 2, 2009)

Ok, I met with my therapist today, and I am feeling a little better.  I said that I wouldn't make any decisions about anything until after I saw him and I'm going to give it another week.  I usually see him about every three weeks but he suggested that I see him in a week, which I agreed to.  I was able to be open with him about how I was feeling which was good.  

I am going to try to spend extra time with friends this week to try and add some fun into my life and try not to isolate too much.  So as for now I wouldn't say that I'm completely beyond my suicidal feelings but I'm willing to take it a day at a time.  

Thank you all for your support.  You all have really helped me get through these past few days.


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## white page (Nov 2, 2009)

:hug: hey thanks for the update kelseym, I am so glad you could say how you feel, good news about the weekly appointment. And it's great that you are making such positive effort to isolate less, I'm proud of you


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## Chain Lightning (Nov 2, 2009)

Glad to hear the good news...thanks for the update too.  Isn't it cool how you can feel hopeless then in a few days feel at least a little better.  Keep us updated...if you have a bad day...talk to us if you need to.


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## forgetmenot (Nov 2, 2009)

Good for you Kelseym I am glad your therapist was there to help you. I think enjoying yourself a bit now is a great idea. Too much work is not good for anyone. Take care thanks for update


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## Banned (Nov 2, 2009)

Thanks, kelseym.  I was thinking of you all day today, wondering how you were making out.

I'm glad your therapist is seeing you again in a week.  At times like this, it's nice to have that extra helping hand, knowing he's there for you.

Good job on getting that out.  I'm sure it wasn't easy.  :2thumbs:


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## kelsischanging (Nov 3, 2009)

I just wanted to give you all a quick update because I woke up this morning feeling so much better.  I don't want to act like everything is ok but I was actually singing this morning and that is always my sign that things are turning around.  Although some of it was because I saw my therapist yesterday, a big, big part of it was because of the support I received on this website.  

I'm still going through some depression (because being bipolar still stinks) but I decided ending my life is not the way to deal/not deal with this.  I am a strong person and I have gotten through worse things than this in my life and I will get through this as well.  

Once again, thanks for your support/suggestions/ideas/opinions they have all been helpful. :hug:


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## white page (Nov 3, 2009)

:thankyou2: I know how very moved everyone who has supported you, will feel when they read that, remember we are here for you whenever you need us, there is always some one around 24/24 . :hug:


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## Banned (Nov 3, 2009)

That's wonderful, kelseym.  Being bipolar, you will have good days and bad days.  It's important to remember during the bad days that good days WILL come, they are just around the corner.  I'm so glad you're feeling better.


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