# In love



## sister

I'm in love with my driving teacher, he is 20 years older than me and doesn't know anything about my feelings. And I can't tell it him. I'm thinking about him all the time and i realize that he is the very man I need. But it's impossible for me to make first steps myself. And he keeps ignoring me. He treats me like a child, (I'm the same age as his son). What should I do? Our lessons are over now. I'm really crazy now, head over heels.

I've tried many tricks to distruct my thoughts from him, nothing works. I need him. I don't want to have anyone else, all other guys are nothing to me, I'd rather stay alone.


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## HA

*in love*

Welcome sister,

My thoughts about this kind of generation gap....yuck. I visualise you are wearing jeans and him wearing orange plaid polyester pants. I just don't see how this could work but I know little about these kinds of things.

The only book that I found really helpful in learning about "relationships" is Women & Love by Mira Kirshenbaum. I would recommend you read this. 

Here is an excerpt. "Falling-In-love, Danger #1.  Infatuation, your nuts about a guy but your not in the kind of relationship with him where you are developing feelings for each other.....Look, feel whatever you want to feel. But know that the strength, power and passion of your feelings have absolutely nothing to do with wether there is anything good for you here. Because your feelings are not based on reality they can become super charged. After all, you havent confronted anything real."

She also has a section that deals with the age gap that you are dealing with. Excellent book!

Women & Love: Finding True Love While Staying True to Yourself: The Eight Make-Or-Break Experiences in Women's Lives: Kirshenbaum, Mira: 9780380802227: Amazon.com: Books

Take care


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## sister

*in love*

Thank you for advise.
My question is: how to behave??? I don't know, whether I should go and tell him everything. May be there is any hope... I felt a certain warmth, he had towards me, kind of... But even if he also has any feelings, he couldn't show it, I'm too young for him. And he is a very decent man, with moral rules. This might be the reason, why he didn't make any steps. So, perhaps it is me who is supposed to act in this situation?
Or should I leave him alone and suffer on my own?

PS: we are both wearing jeans


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## just mary

*in love*

Welcome Sister,

My advice would be to stay away for at least a few months and then see how you feel.  By the way, is he married?


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## sister

*in love*

No, he is devorsed. I haven's seen him for several weeks already, and it hurts. I want to be with him.

And there is one more thing: I didn't pay any attention to men before. At all. I somehow used to have other interests, and I didn't notice them. And now i feel such a tenderness to my teacher, it frightens me. It is like waking up.


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## just mary

*in love*

I would wait several more weeks, maybe take some time and read that book HeartArt recommmended.  Twenty years is a big difference.

Take care.


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## cm

*in love*

Hello sister and welcome,

I understand how you're feeling, I think.  For me, those feelings were a joy and pain at the same time.  From my experience, I would recommend that you work on developing your own self/identity first. Like discovering what you want to do with your life, career-wise, and put your time and energy into that for a couple of years.  Also just enjoy your freedom and youth for a while.  Travel a bit and meet lots of different people if you can.  That's so much easier said than done when the chemicals of 'love' are affecting the brain.  After I became healthier, I realized that the feelings and thoughts I had about someone were actually obsessions which I allowed to continue like an addiction (I would go from depression to 'love' obsession, unknowingly).  
cm


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## sister

*in love*

Thank you.
And how to handle this persisting daydreaming? I just can't stop it. May be it is better to act, than to suffer? Even if I go to him and get into a silly and unpleasant situation, it will be a temporary pain, and it will give me a certain result, negative or positive, but a result. And if I leave it as it is and try to forget him, it can take too much time, it will be just waste of my youth. How can I think about arranging my future, when there is only him in my head? And all other things are all the same to me? It's such a difficult position, I can't get through it.
Thank you all the same.


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## ThatLady

*in love*

To be honest, this sounds more like infatuation than love, hon. Love develops over time, and during an ongoing relationship. It doesn't sound like you've had a relationship with this man beyond that which developed between a driving teacher and his student. You haven't dated, nor have you shared time together beyond the driving lessons.

Young people often become infatuated with teachers, or counsellors, or others who help them learn the lessons of youth. It passes, and new relationships come along to take its place. The best thing to do is to realize this, and to go on with your life. Hang out with friends, do interesting things, go to movies, and generally have fun. This infatuation WILL pass if you'll keep yourself busy and entertained with other things. Honest, it will.


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## just mary

*in love*

I agree with ThatLady and infatuation isn't just for the young, I still get infatuated and I'm 36.  But I understand it for what it is now and I try to focus on other things but it is difficult.  I have to constantly tell myself that he's just a human being and he can't "save me" (that's embarrassing to write but I think I'm being honest with myself when I write it).  It's just the context that I know him in.  And as ThatLady says, "love develops over time in an ongoing relationship".  The trick is to really develop some new interests and just enjoy being 20 and single.  

Again, take care.


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## sister

*in love*

All that you say is absolutely true. I wonder, how can you understand my situation out of such small messages, but you do. I guess it is a wide-spread problem. And it is really an infatuation, but a very pure and deep one. And my teacher is to blame for it. He used to be too caring and tender and a bit intimate. Of course he enjoyed innocent flirting with a naive girl, and didn't foresee possible qonsequences. And now I'm here. O'k, I'll have to handle it.


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## fancy792

*in love*

I remember having a simillar situation we had 16 yrs apart. I had lots in common and I taugh he was just right. I couldn't tell him anything cause I wasn't sure on his part. I've realise later that it was similar to a fantasy. I've spend lots of time dreaming and missing him it felt so real. Give it time and in my case its a very nice souvenir now. The best for me was to talk about it and also write down my feelings. Let us know how you make out.


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## ThatLady

*in love*

I had a psychiatrist tell me once that it was very important to discern between dreams and fantasies. Dreams are those things that drive us to give our best effort. Fantasies serve no other purpose than escape. Fantasies can never come true. Dreams can, but they take work to achieve.

That's stuck with me and helped me through a lot of situations of this type. I hope it will be helpful for you, too, hon. )


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## sister

*in love*

Yeah, i guess it's all fantasies in my case. I'm even sure of it, but it doesn't change anything. I have a feeling, that i'll never be happy any more. And this time will never repeat. I'll live and work and have a family and children and so on, but it will be just because it have to be so. And my real happiness was connected with that man, and it's away now. I can't call him and say "i love you", i'm a coward. So i'm dreaming and feeling that my life is over now, with 20. Sounds silly? - perhaps, but i feel it in this way. I don't need anything but him. And i don't really want to live any more. But i have parents and can't, just have no right to hurt them, so i have to continue this life, without any interest and wishes.

Thank you for concern.


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## HA

*in love*

Dear sister,

If you have had thoughts of suicide then you are experiencing depression. Please don't assume that your feelings are only related to your situation with this man. Please seek professional help to get this sorted out. You need more than a message board to help you with this.

Make an appointment with your family doctor or a therapist as soon as possible.

Take care


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## ThatLady

*in love*

What HeartArt said, I very much agree with. If you're feeling so down that you're thinking you don't want to live anymore, this is more about depression than anything else, hon. Contact your doctor and arrange to get some help.


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## sister

*in love*

No, i know what depression is - this is another thing.
And a'm not going to commit suicide at all, i just don't want to live without him. But i will do it, without any wish. Happiness is not for me any more. And i'm looking at life as at kind of healthy but nasty food. I eat it patiently, i must do it, but it doesnt taste, i go through it without any feelings. I'm cold and indifferent. But i'm not depressed, i just love him too much. Love has taken everything else away from my mind. I miss him.
I believe no psychologist can help me, because no psychologist can give him to me, and he is the only thing in this world i want. Perhaps time will cure it, but i'm sure, that i'll naver be happy.
And i'm aware of what i'm saying, i'm aware of the situation, and i'm rather calm and reasonable.
The only strange thing is, that he has no idea about my feelings. I was rather cold with him, treated him as a person, who is much oler than me, officially and indifferent. He couldn't even guess. He would be very much surprised.


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## HA

*in love*



			
				sister said:
			
		

> I don't need anything but him. And i don't really want to live any more. But i have parents and can't, just have no right to hurt them, so i have to continue this life, without any interest and wishes.



Dear sister,

The above quote is what causes us concern and makes us think that you may be depressed.

You have posted on a psychology site message board asking for help. We are trying to help you by suggesting that you speak to a professional about these things that are upsetting your life to the point where you don't want to live.

That is the best help we can offer you. Please seek professional help in person without waiting too long. You will be helped if you do this.


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## sister

*in love*

Could you answer a single question please: should i find him and tell him everything or shuuldn't i and why?
It is very important to me to get a reply and advise. More than a month has passed, and nothing has changed. I know that this love won't go away, it will last for years, i feel it.
What if i go and tell him, wouldn't it be a solution of this torture? It seemes to be a way out, but i'm so much afraid to do it. Please, say, why can't i do it, why am i so afraid? I can't manage it myself, i can't understand it. And i can't go to a psychologist, cause in this case i'll have explain to my parents the reason for it, and i can't speak about it with my parents. I can't speak about it at all, even with my close friend, just can't.
Just say, why can't i go to him? Is seemes to be so easy and so natural. It is the best thing to do in this situation, but i can't.
Thank you and sorry for being so hysterical.


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## David Baxter PhD

*in love*



			
				sister said:
			
		

> Could you answer a single question please: should i find him and tell him everything or shuuldn't i and why?


No.

Why? Because the only thing that can come of this is stress and sadness for you. There is no good future with him.

He is old enough to be your father. He has a son your age. What do you have in common? He teaches people to drive cars and you took lessons from him. That's is. That's all. That's where it ends.

You need to find someone your own age who has the same dreams as you and build a life with him. This man has already done that.


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## WishMaster

*Hello Sister*

Hi Sister,

I read ur message and i want to express my opinions on that situation. If u said u are in love with with driving teacher.. My opinion is to listen to your heart and do the first step, but before try to know if that person have a special feeling for you. Because if you love him and he dont... it would be very hard for u." We said that its hard when you love someone and you that person dont love u back: 

May be he don't know your feelings and he just consider u as a simple student... let him know how u feel about him and im sure things will spice u and will go thru..

i wish you good luck in your love

Wish Master


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## hugsy

*in love*

hi sister,
i've been through this too.  i thought i was in love with my therapist years ago.  it was hard dealing with my feelings.  i did things that i later felt embarrassed about.  nothing drastic, thank goodness, but still i later wished i hadn't done them.  
take some time to think about things, to understand yourself and what exactly you feel for this man.  why do you love him?  what about him makes you feel the way you do?  
time and experience has taught me that i fall in love easily, feel deeply and it takes me a long time to get over things. does this sound like you?   i've "banged my head" on the wall of love many times, and i've learned that it's not always the best thing to go with your feelings.  i've learned that i need to understand my feelings first, why i feel attracted to the person, what makes me love them, etc.  and recently i discovered that after i understand those things, that if they are things that i admire about the man because it's something i wish i could do, or be like him, it's a clue to me that there is something in myself that is missing that i'm trying to fill with someone else.  
i think it's ok to be inspired by others, that doesn't have to mean that it is love.  it might feel like love, but sometimes it's nothing more than admiration.  sometimes it is a feeling of being appreciated or even being paid attention to.  sometimes we want attention and don't know how to go about getting it, so when someone pays us attention without us ever asking for it, it feels good.  and we confuse it for love.  try to understand what it is about him that makes you feel good.
i reveal these things about myself so that if there is something here that you can relate to, it can help you to understand yourself.  take a closer look at yourself and focus more on understanding what's happening and why, and focus less on how much you love/miss/etc. him.  focus more on yourself and building yourself up, and less on him.  i know it's easier to focus on others, easier to focus on anything other than yourself, but i think it's important that you try.
that is the part having to do with you. now there is another part. and that is him.
he is older than you, he would be flattered to have a young woman find him attractive and have love feelings for him.  that could cause confusion and hurt, for you mostly, but i think also for him.  it's more complicated than you think.


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## hugsy

*in love*

ps...
i think it's great that you found this forum to open up and tell how you feel.  it does help to let feelings out and have feedback.  if there is someone you know and trust, it wouldn't hurt to talk to them too.  the more you talk about your feelings, the less overwhelming they feel.


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## sister

*in love*

Jeah, he would be flattered and pleasantly surprised, he would enjoy it, i'm sure. But i'm not shure, whether i should do it. I feel, that it is like an addiction. It is not a pure, deep and so on feeling, it's like a drug. I need him like water and food. And i see how it is, i know, that we don't belong together, and that this kind of relationship - if it will work - will bring me lots of trouble. I know everything that wise men would advise me, and sometimes i'm kind of angry with him, cause he has done this to me, it is all true, but I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM. I do it, and it hurts increadibly, like an permanent pain. I feel pain every moment, i go to sleep and wake up with it, i do my everyday's business with it, i see the world through it. I'm not afraid of anything any more. The pain has become so great, that it has made me indifferent to everything else. I'm really absolutely fearless now.
Hugsy, thank you for understanding. I can't tell this story to anybody in my real life, cause i'm a bit paranoid, and i'm afraid, that any of my friends will find him and tell him everything, just for fun. i can't even write about it in my native language.
And this forum really helps me, thank you very very much!
Ah, I have deleted his phone number, to preserve myself from doing a stupidity. And now, to tell him how i feel, i'll have to go right to the driving school and tell him everything to his face.
It is impossible.


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## sister

*in love*

You see, I became quite entangled. I repeat and repeat the same phrases, and people give me the same answers, and I repeat the phrases again, and get the answers again. It is a cirkle, that helps me a bit out of the pain, just for a moment, and then the torture returns, and I keep repeating the phrases. But I can’t understand it.
Oh, I don’t know what to do. I’m not stupid, I used to understand myself and learn life lessons, and listen to advise, but now…
There is a lump of feelings in my soul, and the more I think about it, the less I understand anything at all. I don't want to go to a psychologist, i don't believe, that he can help me. No one can cure love.
I feel like crazy, I can’t control myself. I’ve read lots of psychological literature abuot my case, but nothing works. It toesn’t reach my soul, nothing but him can rich my soul. And my mind is powerless.
I feel confused to abuse your attention. Sorry.


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## hugsy

*in love*

sister,

i'm not sure what your native language is, but the fact that you are reaching out and writing in a language not your own tells me that you want, at the very least, some kind of help and relief from what you're feeling.  i have a few suggestions that might help...

write down your thoughts and feelings, let them out.  if you don't want anyone to read what you've written, burn it after you're done.  the thing is to let out your feelings.  it's a way of giving yourself some relief.

write here, read here.  for some reason writing helps.  and getting feedback from people (like in here) helps too.

i know you feel this love and you are in pain.  maybe you are not ready to think and understand yet.  so maybe you can try something else in the meantime.  maybe it would help to give yourself a certain amount of time in the day to feel your love and pain, and then turn it off for a while.  like, maybe you could think about him for 10-15 minutes, whatever thoughts you want to think, then when the 15 minutes are up, you stop and go do something that brings you happiness.  whatever makes you feel good that doesn't have to do with him, maybe you could do that for 15-30 minutes.  so that you feel more balanced.  focusing on one thing (whatever it is) can be exhausting.  give yourself a break some time.

also, if you don't trust your friends, is there a family member? or church member you can talk to?  there must be someone you can trust.

i have a question...why is it so important to keep your feelings a secret from people you trust?  i'm not saying that you should go to this man and tell him how you feel, but there are other people in your life.  can you trust any of them?

a psychologist would be the perfect person to talk to, for many reasons...
1)  they won't tell anyone the things you tell them so you don't have to worry about what they'll do with the information you give them
2)  they are objective
3)  they are not directly affected by what you are going through so you don't have to worry about how they will feel about what you're feeling
 4) they can help guide you to understanding what's happening with yourself
5) they will allow you to go at your own pace in figuring this out

maybe you can find a way to see a therapist without having to explain flat out why to your parents.  your parents may have noticed that there is something bothering/affecting you and might be wondering how they can help.   it might not be so bad telling them that there is something you need to work out and you need someone to help guide you.  you might be surprised to find out that they are very willing to give you what you need.


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## sister

*in love*

My parents say, that something awful happens to me, they try to speak to me, try to restore the contact we used to have, but they fail. I got gloomy and cold, and they don’t know what is it. They don’t guess that it is love, because I have never spoken to them about it. I woud like to open up, to tell them everything, but I can’t. There is a psychological barrier that prevents me from this, it has something to do with shame. The same barrier also exists between me and my friends. Shame and a bit of paranoia. I can’t trust anybody, even my language, even myself (I’ve said, I had deleted his phone number, because I was afraid to call him during a breakdown. Now I feel safe and unhappy.).
And, you know, I’ve done what you say some time ago. Before posting to this forum, I wrote everything down and burned the paper, and then I did it again and again. It helped, but then I realized, that it made me even more unhappy. I felt soooo lonely, and my wish to be with him became stronger, because on paper it seemed so real and so possible. An ordinary situation, which might have a happy end. I wanted to run to him and to embrace him, and I almost did it. Once he embraced me, I did’n react, and made it so, as if I took it for a necessary movement to fix something in the car. He looked at my serious face and smiled. It was one of many situations, which expressed his liking. But it was just liking, nothig more, it gave me hope and fed my feelings. Generally I was a nice child to him, and he didn’t conceal such attitude.
I’ll try the deal with minutes, it seemes to be a temporary way out. 15 minutes relief is much, really much, because I dream all the time, even during my exams.
There is one thing I’m afraid of: what if he feels the same and can’t confess it because of the generation gap, and also because of my being so cold and indifferent with him (I played this part very well), then we are just 2 happy fools. How can I find out how he feels?
I long for being with him deadly. I’m dreaming, I’m happy in my dreams, and hate reality.
Oh, sorry, I’m taking too much space at this forum. Thank you.


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## David Baxter PhD

*in love*

No, you're not taking too much space, sister. Take as much time and as much "space" here as you want.

My concern is that you are yearning after a hopeless relationship. And that as long as you are doing that, you cannot look for or find a relationship which will truly be what you seek.


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## sister

*in love*

I'm feeling better today!
The pain is not so sharp, i wonder, is it a temporary relief, or a sign of recovery.


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## ThatLady

*in love*

It's probably a sign that you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, hon. These things hurt very sharply at first but, after awhile, things get better. You may backslide from time to time, but you're on your way out of the misery, I think. )


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## sister

*in love*

I've seen him driving by, i walked down the street, there were trees between the pavement and the road, so he didn't notice me. It was just a glimpse, and first i felt a sharp pain, but it didn't last long, it was relieved by a feeling of light disgust. I felt it towards his appearance, his way to behave, his look, his voice everything seemed disgusting to me. If i met him on the street, it wouldn't be pleasant for me to talk to him, what is it? I still love him, but the same time i feel disgust.


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## David Baxter PhD

*in love*



> I still love him, but the same time i feel disgust.


That doesn't sound like love to me, sister. Obsession, maybe, or some other type of attraction, but not love.

It actually sounds a little like the reaction many people have driving by a car accident... they don't want to look but they can't not look.


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## sister

*in love*

No, this is love. This is the most strong feeling i've ever felt, this is love.
And disgust - i believe, it is because of too much suffering.
But still i would do everything to be wiht him.


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## lammers1980

*in love*

I would agree that what is being described here sounds more like obsession than love.  Love is a beautiful feeling of belonging and acceptance, which really can only exist in a reciprocal form.  Love should not provoke such a response.


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## jeffrey

*in love*

It`s all too easy to get swept along with these most powerful emotions,they are in themselves seductive to the point of becoming like an addiction...the adrenaline rush the butterflies,feeling totally consumed,not being able to sleep,having erotic thoughts of making passionate love with that person.I do understand i`ve been there,you can`t see anything else you become blinkered to the world and the only focus is that person,it makes you feel physically sick because it`s too much,your body is trying to tell your mind that this is not healthy.It is obsession,your riding a rollercoaster that is going to come off it`s tracks and it`s a hell of a long fall.You feel like your alive for the first time and you believe that you couldn`t possibley let this feeling go,you must,it`s fantasy,not real...the feelings are i know but what you are projecting them onto isn`t.Slow down and catch your breath for one day it will come and then you will realise that this is not what you thought love is,your trying too hard,love is gentle and reafirming,love is kind to your heart and your feelings.
Hope this helps                Jeff


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## sister

*in love*

Thank you, Jeffrey.
Emotions are so much seductive, my brain doesn't want to loose them, to loose this pleasure and feeling of happiness.
I'll try to gain reason.


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## sister

*in love*

Hello!
I'm here again, because i'm still suffering. I've tried all the recipes, nothing helped.
I think of him, and dream. He is the first thing i remember on waking up, and on falling asleep. Being on the street, i'm always looking for his car, and - fortunately - don't see it, if i would, i'd perhaps faint, or cry and run, or something else of this kind. I'm not happy with this feeling. I can't enjoy life, i'm indifferent to everything but him.
I can't talk about it with anybody, being anonymous is the only way to release my trouble.
Please, if anybody knows a really efective solution - tell me, i'm sooooo tired of this rubbish, i want to get rid of it. I'll do everything what can possibly help, i'm ready for even most bold decisions, just to live and be free, without this feeling.
Love is the most wonderful thing, i know it now, but this one is just chokes me.


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## sister

*in love*

Hello!
I'm here again, because i'm still suffering. I've tried all the recipes, nothing helped.
I think of him, and dream. He is the first thing i remember on waking up, and on falling asleep. Being on the street, i'm always looking for his car, and - fortunately - don't see it, if i would, i'd perhaps faint, or cry and run, or something else of this kind. I'm not happy with this feeling. I can't enjoy life, i'm indifferent to everything but him.
I can't talk about it with anybody, being anonymous is the only way to release my trouble.
Please, if anybody knows a really efective solution - tell me, i'm sooooo tired of this rubbish, i want to get rid of it. I'll do everything what can possibly help, i'm ready for even most bold decisions, just to live and be free, without this feeling.
Love is the most wonderful thing, i know it now, but this one is just chokes me.


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## sister

*in love*

I’ve found new friends, I’ve travelled, I’ve changed my way of life, I’ve tried to be constructive, I wrote my thoughts down, ridiculed it, ridiculed myself, it didn’t help. Sometimes it fades, but then it comes back with a new strengh. I can’t understand, what is the reality, and what is my fantasies any more, it got confused.

And it is also important: he IS NOT handsome. When I first saw him, I felt absolutely nothing, he is not the kind of man girls fall in love in. If I met him in the street, I wouldn’t notice him. And now I like all his shortcomings, and the fact, that he is just a driving teacher, and that he is so much older than me, and even that it is him, who did it to me. Sometimes I like my pain, because this pain is connected with him.


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## sister

*in love*

I’ve found new friends, I’ve travelled, I’ve changed my way of life, I’ve tried to be constructive, I wrote my thoughts down, ridiculed it, ridiculed myself, it didn’t help. Sometimes it fades, but then it comes back with a new strengh. I can’t understand, what is the reality, and what is my fantasies any more, it got confused.

And it is also important: he IS NOT handsome. When I first saw him, I felt absolutely nothing, he is not the kind of man girls fall in love in. If I met him in the street, I wouldn’t notice him. And now I like all his shortcomings, and the fact, that he is just a driving teacher, and that he is so much older than me, and even that it is him, who did it to me. Sometimes I like my pain, because this pain is connected with him.


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## Lana

*in love*

Dear sister;
From your posts, I can see that you are really taken with this man.  I can also sense much sadness and frustration..  I’m curious though: what is it that you like so much about this man?  Specifically, what is it that he does, or doesn’t do that draws you to him.  You mentioned that it’s not his looks.  You also mentioned that he has shortcomings.  What are they?


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## Lana

*in love*

Dear sister;
From your posts, I can see that you are really taken with this man.  I can also sense much sadness and frustration..  I’m curious though: what is it that you like so much about this man?  Specifically, what is it that he does, or doesn’t do that draws you to him.  You mentioned that it’s not his looks.  You also mentioned that he has shortcomings.  What are they?


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## sister

*in love*

I live in Graal-Müritz, it is a small town, everybody knows one another, at least I have sometimes such an impression. So I can’t describe him, I can’t give any details or reveal some facts, because then, if one of my acquaintances, or even my teacher himself, will visit this forum – I’ll get in trouble. My state is a very great secret. I’m paranoid about it.
The same time mentioning my town wasn’t by chance, I have a weird idea, I hope that he will guess… and find me himself, if he needs it.
I like everything, what is connected with him. I’m very romantic. I like all his world, his interests, his past, his way of thinking, his emotions, his looks, everything, good or bad. I like his adulthood, he acted very protectively, like a parent, like a superior and caring spirit. I like time we spent together, I like sitting near him and listening to what he says, and contradicting, or obeying. I like the season we spent together, a like the weather, that was during our lessons, I like the way to the driving school, I like the clothing I wore during the lessons, and the clothing he wore. Every detail is precious. His schortkommig is – if I may cal it a schortcoming – his “being near to the nature”. Our lives differ very strongly. I’m a student, I read a lot of “clever” books, I value art, I’m very selective in music, I hate pop stuff. And my parents, relatives and friends are like me. And he is absolutely different, he is just a very pleasant and nice human being, without any weird ideas or lots of books in the mind, I like it, I want him to stay like that. But sometimes it made me feel uneasy, I mean the music that sounded in his car – it was the radio with pop music, and it even offended me a bit, he has bad taste, or may be he just don’t understand music at all. And some ideas about way of life, and the fact that he has no high education. He comes from a different social group, it doesn’t spoil anything, it is just a small barrier between us.
But it is really nothing, I love this man.


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## sister

*in love*

I live in Graal-Müritz, it is a small town, everybody knows one another, at least I have sometimes such an impression. So I can’t describe him, I can’t give any details or reveal some facts, because then, if one of my acquaintances, or even my teacher himself, will visit this forum – I’ll get in trouble. My state is a very great secret. I’m paranoid about it.
The same time mentioning my town wasn’t by chance, I have a weird idea, I hope that he will guess… and find me himself, if he needs it.
I like everything, what is connected with him. I’m very romantic. I like all his world, his interests, his past, his way of thinking, his emotions, his looks, everything, good or bad. I like his adulthood, he acted very protectively, like a parent, like a superior and caring spirit. I like time we spent together, I like sitting near him and listening to what he says, and contradicting, or obeying. I like the season we spent together, a like the weather, that was during our lessons, I like the way to the driving school, I like the clothing I wore during the lessons, and the clothing he wore. Every detail is precious. His schortkommig is – if I may cal it a schortcoming – his “being near to the nature”. Our lives differ very strongly. I’m a student, I read a lot of “clever” books, I value art, I’m very selective in music, I hate pop stuff. And my parents, relatives and friends are like me. And he is absolutely different, he is just a very pleasant and nice human being, without any weird ideas or lots of books in the mind, I like it, I want him to stay like that. But sometimes it made me feel uneasy, I mean the music that sounded in his car – it was the radio with pop music, and it even offended me a bit, he has bad taste, or may be he just don’t understand music at all. And some ideas about way of life, and the fact that he has no high education. He comes from a different social group, it doesn’t spoil anything, it is just a small barrier between us.
But it is really nothing, I love this man.


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## Lana

*in love*

One other question: what is your relationship like with your parents?


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## Lana

*in love*

One other question: what is your relationship like with your parents?


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## sister

*in love*

No problems. Very loving and tender relations. I'm lucky with my family.

But i was always inclined to fall in love, or to like people who are older than me, and with whom it is almost impossible to develop a relation. Perhaps it is my shyness, that makes me take safe choices.
I'm kind of bored with guys of my age, may be it is just a psychological defending.


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## sister

*in love*

No problems. Very loving and tender relations. I'm lucky with my family.

But i was always inclined to fall in love, or to like people who are older than me, and with whom it is almost impossible to develop a relation. Perhaps it is my shyness, that makes me take safe choices.
I'm kind of bored with guys of my age, may be it is just a psychological defending.


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## hugsy

*in love*

could be lots of reasons why.  maybe if you know that you fall in love easily, it will help in dealing with it.
as i read your description of him, it occurred to me that maybe it is interesting to you to see/experience someone who is totally different from you and your family and friends.  maybe it brings some sort of balance. 
and maybe it satisfies some sort of curiosity about different lifestyles or way of being.


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## hugsy

*in love*

could be lots of reasons why.  maybe if you know that you fall in love easily, it will help in dealing with it.
as i read your description of him, it occurred to me that maybe it is interesting to you to see/experience someone who is totally different from you and your family and friends.  maybe it brings some sort of balance. 
and maybe it satisfies some sort of curiosity about different lifestyles or way of being.


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## sister

*in love*

No, I’m sure that this love has nothing to do with any psychological reasons or serches. I love him without any reason in it, there is nothing special that droves me to him, it is love, it is my soul, my heart, my whole nature. And the same things I value in him. I let him be like he is, I accept all his traits, without ranging it to good and bad ones, it is all the same to me. I love him wholly. And I love this feeling. I see that it is spoiling my life. I’ve got really weird. I have no fears, I bacame rather cold to my close people, to my friends, even to my family. I’m really a bad person now, I don’t notice many things around me, I became indifferent and a bit lunatic. But it is not a depression, it is a very deep love, which makes everything else insignifikant. And in my mind I want to get rid of this feeling and to regain equanimity. But my soul, the real me wants to keep this love, to stay wilth it, to do everything possible for getting this person.
I couldn’t sleep yesterday, I was in despair, I thought about how would I live one more day without him, and I had such a dangerous idea. I decided to go to to the driving school, right in the night, and wait there for him. His working day begins aroud 8, so I decided to wait there, to spend there the rest of night (and it was about 5 hours), and then, on his coming, stop him and tell him everything. Fortunately I’m too well-bred and proud for it, my mind managed to calm my feelings. But I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to do anything without him any more. Every minute I try to live, I try to amuse myself, I meet people, I smile, I laugh, I tell lies, I read, I think about good things, but it’s not the real me, it’s just the work of my will-power. And the real me is in the dreams, and when I just for a moment become aware of the reality, I get almost dead, the sorrow, the understanding, tha I’ll never be with him – it’s impossible to stand, and I dive into dreams again.
Please, tell me, what should I do?
It’s getting worse and worse, I’ll grow mad, I’m already a bit insane.
I’m rather nice, he liked me, he showed it to me. And I know that there are other guys who like me, so I wouldn’t be an unpleasant surprise for him. But… he also showed his fatherlike attitude towards me. Oh, what should I do?


----------



## sister

*in love*

No, I’m sure that this love has nothing to do with any psychological reasons or serches. I love him without any reason in it, there is nothing special that droves me to him, it is love, it is my soul, my heart, my whole nature. And the same things I value in him. I let him be like he is, I accept all his traits, without ranging it to good and bad ones, it is all the same to me. I love him wholly. And I love this feeling. I see that it is spoiling my life. I’ve got really weird. I have no fears, I bacame rather cold to my close people, to my friends, even to my family. I’m really a bad person now, I don’t notice many things around me, I became indifferent and a bit lunatic. But it is not a depression, it is a very deep love, which makes everything else insignifikant. And in my mind I want to get rid of this feeling and to regain equanimity. But my soul, the real me wants to keep this love, to stay wilth it, to do everything possible for getting this person.
I couldn’t sleep yesterday, I was in despair, I thought about how would I live one more day without him, and I had such a dangerous idea. I decided to go to to the driving school, right in the night, and wait there for him. His working day begins aroud 8, so I decided to wait there, to spend there the rest of night (and it was about 5 hours), and then, on his coming, stop him and tell him everything. Fortunately I’m too well-bred and proud for it, my mind managed to calm my feelings. But I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to do anything without him any more. Every minute I try to live, I try to amuse myself, I meet people, I smile, I laugh, I tell lies, I read, I think about good things, but it’s not the real me, it’s just the work of my will-power. And the real me is in the dreams, and when I just for a moment become aware of the reality, I get almost dead, the sorrow, the understanding, tha I’ll never be with him – it’s impossible to stand, and I dive into dreams again.
Please, tell me, what should I do?
It’s getting worse and worse, I’ll grow mad, I’m already a bit insane.
I’m rather nice, he liked me, he showed it to me. And I know that there are other guys who like me, so I wouldn’t be an unpleasant surprise for him. But… he also showed his fatherlike attitude towards me. Oh, what should I do?


----------



## Impunity Jane

*in love*

Hello sister, it sounds like you are really fed up with this.

Perhaps you have a great deal of love you need to lavish on someone.    Also, as you say, you prefer to escape into the dream world of your love, rather than be in the real world, and maybe you find the real world difficult or boring.

You really have to realize that this isn't about him, it is about you - your need to escape your life right now, or to have some romance.  

You have to remind yourself, over and over, whenever you start to think about him, that you are just creating a fantasy, you are making it all up in your head and then believing that it is true, when it isn't.  

If you were to actually spend time with him you would quickly discover, it would be nothing like what you are imagining.  You would discover he is a very ordinary person just like your Dad, or your brothers, or any other man you know well.  Being with him wouldn't solve your problems or make you happy in reality, it is only in your dreams that you convince yourself that would happen.

The best cure is to spend time with friends and keep busy doing fun things.  Get out of that dream world and back into the real world, you will forget all about him.


----------



## Impunity Jane

*in love*

Hello sister, it sounds like you are really fed up with this.

Perhaps you have a great deal of love you need to lavish on someone.    Also, as you say, you prefer to escape into the dream world of your love, rather than be in the real world, and maybe you find the real world difficult or boring.

You really have to realize that this isn't about him, it is about you - your need to escape your life right now, or to have some romance.  

You have to remind yourself, over and over, whenever you start to think about him, that you are just creating a fantasy, you are making it all up in your head and then believing that it is true, when it isn't.  

If you were to actually spend time with him you would quickly discover, it would be nothing like what you are imagining.  You would discover he is a very ordinary person just like your Dad, or your brothers, or any other man you know well.  Being with him wouldn't solve your problems or make you happy in reality, it is only in your dreams that you convince yourself that would happen.

The best cure is to spend time with friends and keep busy doing fun things.  Get out of that dream world and back into the real world, you will forget all about him.


----------



## David Baxter PhD

*in love*

sister, if it is love, it is an extremely obsessive love.

Either way, I have trouble seeing it as healthy for you. I think you really need to find a therapist/counsellor to help you with this.


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## David Baxter PhD

*in love*

sister, if it is love, it is an extremely obsessive love.

Either way, I have trouble seeing it as healthy for you. I think you really need to find a therapist/counsellor to help you with this.


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## sister

*in love*

I’ve seen him today, he drove by in his car, he noticed me and I couldn’t help turning away. I wasn’t able to look at him.


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## sister

*in love*

I’ve seen him today, he drove by in his car, he noticed me and I couldn’t help turning away. I wasn’t able to look at him.


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## Daniel

*in love*



> Obsession is when you cannot function as a person on a daily basis without thinking about an object of affection. Love is mutually supportive, caring, and giving.
> 
> ...Rather than finding happiness from within, an obsessed person looks to others for happiness, thereby denying them one of the greatest gifts of all, self-love.
> 
> ...Our society is such that we have come to believe that the woman or man attached to our arm somehow validates us.
> 
> Confusing Love with Obsession - WebMD


----------



## Daniel

*in love*



> Obsession is when you cannot function as a person on a daily basis without thinking about an object of affection. Love is mutually supportive, caring, and giving.
> 
> ...Rather than finding happiness from within, an obsessed person looks to others for happiness, thereby denying them one of the greatest gifts of all, self-love.
> 
> ...Our society is such that we have come to believe that the woman or man attached to our arm somehow validates us.
> 
> Confusing Love with Obsession - WebMD


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