# Queer IQ: The Gay Couple's Advantage



## Daniel (Sep 28, 2010)

Queer IQ: The Gay Couple's Advantage
By Kaja Perina
_Psychology Today_

*Gay relationships are less mired in deception and perhaps even less prone to friction, according to multiple studies.*

"There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things," quipped comedian  George Burns. "Men want women and women want men." But when men want  men and women want women, each couple can circumvent treacherous  romantic terrain because partners more closely share sexual appetites  and mind-reading abilities than do heterosexual pairs. 

Most lesbians don't fear rapacious women and gay men need not always soft-peddle their sexual predilections. On balance, gays and lesbians understand their partners' bodies and biases  with a certainty that many a clueless "breeder" yearns for.  "Homosexuality could be viewed in some respects as the triumph of the  individual's mating intelligence over the gonads' evolutionary interests," argues Geoffrey Miller.

The result is that gay relationships are less mired in deception and perhaps even less prone to friction, according to multiple studies.

"If  two guys in a relationship are on the same wavelength, it's going to be  very hard for them to deceive one another about their motives, their  lusts, their philandering. Whereas between the sexes, each sex  presents a socially acceptable form of masculinity or femininity that  is reassuring to the other person but not particularly accurate," says  Miller.

Romantic lies are, after all, a sort of Rosetta stone on which gender  differences are coyly inscribed. Straight men lie about their  commitment to the relationship and about their resources, finds  psychologist Maureen O'Sullivan. They are also more likely to lie to  keep their partner from getting angry at them, a small but telling  testament to the wrath of women. Women, in contrast, lie to flatter a  man's sense of self and to downplay their interest in other men.

Gay  and lesbian couples are not only more honest with one another, they are  also more likely to exhibit affection and humor in negotiating  relationship stressors, according to John Gottman, emeritus professor of  psychology at the University of Washington. 

Gottman compared conflict  discussions in gay and straight couples and found that "gays and  lesbians talked explicitly about sex and monogamy. Those topics don't  come up in 31 years of studying heterosexual couples, who are uptight in  discussing sex. In their conversations, you really don't know what  they're talking about."

 Whether a same-sex edge to mating  intelligence makes for longer unions is unclear. Among the couples  Gottman studied, the projected break-up rate for homosexuals, over a  four-decade span, is a grim 64 percent (gay men are far more likely to  split than are lesbians). The 40-year divorce  rate for straight couples in first marriages is 67 percent. To amend  George Burns: If you wait long enough, every couple wants different  things.
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Related:
_Research Focused on Gay & Lesbian Couples - Gottman.com


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 28, 2010)

Actually, my experience in working with both heterosexual and same sex (both genders) couples is that the problems they encounter in relationships are really not difrerent. Most of it boils down to expectations, communication, compromise, and fidelity.


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## Daniel (Sep 28, 2010)

A similar article that is more balanced in some ways but just as generalizing: 



> Gottman and Levenson also found that when gay men  initiate difficult discussions with their partners, the partners are  worse than straight or lesbian couples at "repairing"--essentially,  making up. Gottman and Levenson suggest that couples therapists should  thus focus on helping gay men learn to repair...
> 
> Gottman, Levenson and their colleagues found that  gays and lesbians who exhibit more tension during disagreements are more  satisfied with their relationships than those who remain unruffled. For  straight people, higher heart rates during squabbles were associated  with lower relationship satisfaction. For gays and lesbians, it was just  the opposite. Gays conduct their relationships as though they are  acting out some cheesy pop song: You have to make my heart beat faster  for me to love you. For gays, it is apathy that murders relationships,  not tension. Straight people more often prefer a lento placidity.
> 
> ...



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