# Nothing to go back to



## Cat Dancer (Aug 13, 2006)

I can't remember ever not being depressed. I have thoughts sometimes of, well, if I could go back to...and then I realize there was never anything better. I've always hated myself. I don't remember not living in some kind of fear. I guess I don't know if I can get better because I don't know what that would feel like. 

Would it be too strange? How do you get well if you don't even know what that is? 

Is it odd to say that the thought of not being depressed is almost scary?


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## ThatLady (Aug 13, 2006)

In answer to your first question, let's try an analogy, Janet: You can still get to Kansas even if you don't know where Kansas is. All you need is a roadmap. Likewise, you can find your way out of depression even if you feel you've been depressed as long as you can remember. All you need is a roadmap. 

In answer to your second question, it's not unusual at all to be afraid of that which we know nothing about. If you feel you've never been other than you are now, then it's understandable that you'd be afraid of change. We're all a bit spooky about the unknown.


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 13, 2006)

Ok. 

I guess I'm wondering if it's worth it. It's so hard trying to figure things out. Trying to do the right things. 

If I don't know what it is like to be not this way, then I'm not sure if it's really better. If that makes sense. 

Sometimes I think there's just too much of me missing. Too much defectiveness. Too much damage. And it's my fault I know, but I wonder if I can even be ok someday.


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## ThatLady (Aug 13, 2006)

I can vouch for the fact that it's well worth it, Janet, having walked the path myself. Not being depressed and self-hating is one heck of a lot better than being depressed and self-hating!

We are NOT at fault for our depression. We didn't ask for it, and we didn't go out looking for it. It came to us, and we have to fight to get rid of it. It's sorta like having termites! Yet, when you get rid of the termites you're better off for having done so, eh?


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 13, 2006)

I don't know. I have never had much of a life. I've always been afraid of the world. Afraid of my own world too. 

I was trying to hold on to things that I thought I liked. But now the joy is gone from those things. I'm having trouble explaining this. I guess I can't explain it.


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## foghlaim (Aug 13, 2006)

hi Janet.. hope you don't mind if i throw my thoughts in here..

from reading this thread and others that you have either written yourself or replied to another member.. i believe You are emerging (mentally) from the life you have now (as you have described it) to a place that is going to be so much better..... you are already on this road.. journey.. and we are with you.. 
we have to let some things go as we push ahead.. even things that we have liked or loved..  because if we don't.. we won't get to where we need to be.

there will be new joys janet.. new experiences...a journey into the unknown.. but it's a journey well worth taking... it's okay to be scared of the unknown...I sure was.. but i made it and you will too!! 

maybe you can't see the strides you have already made but i can and i'm sure others here can also..  keep going Janet... and if you feel you are slipping.. remember we are nearby to help you on yur way again..

You are so much stronger than you give yorself credit for...

thinking of you my friend
nsa


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## ThatLady (Aug 13, 2006)

Janet  said:
			
		

> I don't know. I have never had much of a life. I've always been afraid of the world. Afraid of my own world too.
> 
> I was trying to hold on to things that I thought I liked. But now the joy is gone from those things. I'm having trouble explaining this. I guess I can't explain it.



I think you've explained most of it quite well, Janet. I also think we try to hold onto the familiar things, good and/or bad, because we don't know what's in store for us in future. That's a natural reaction to change. It's important to realize that when the joy is gone from that which once brought you happiness, something is seriously wrong and change is not only necessary, but inevitable. If you're totally miserable, there's only one way to go and that's up.


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## Into The Light (Aug 13, 2006)

hi janet, this kind of reminds me of a case story that i read in a book related to depression. the author told the story of this woman who had always been depressed and at one point she was doing very well. the thing that was rather amazing was what feeling good was like for her. she liked it but she'd never really experienced it so it felt strange. so i think for you that is all it will be. at first it will feel strange because you're not used to it. but it will be good.

i can understand why you would be afraid of not being depressed, i had moments like that too a few months ago. i felt like my pain defined who i was. if i didn't have my pain then who would i be? it just seems to become a part of your identity. but in reality you will still be you, even when the pain is gone. a happier you. it really is worth it to fight for this.


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## just mary (Aug 14, 2006)

Hi Janet,

I just wanted to add that I think I know how you feel. 



			
				Janet said:
			
		

> I was trying to hold on to things that I thought I liked. But now the joy is gone from those things.



I can relate to this. It's hard to change, especially as we get a little older. When we're younger we think we have our whole lives in front of us and there is hope. I know I'm not terribly old but I'm at that point where I think "what's the point in changing", I'm not 20 any longer. But that could just be depression talking.  

And maybe you've just hit a yield sign on your way to feeling better. As we get closer to change, some people say that we "put on the brakes" and want to slow down. Change requires a lot of work and feeling/doing things you would rather not feel/do but in the end it's worth it. We can change Janet.  

Take care,


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 16, 2006)

just mary  said:
			
		

> When we're younger we think we have our whole lives in front of us and there is hope. I know I'm not terribly old but I'm at that point where I think "what's the point in changing", I'm not 20 any longer. But that could just be depression talking.



That's how I feel. Like apathy or despair or something. I hope it is the depression talking. I WANT to think differently, more hopefully. I guess it's harder at some times than it is at other times. 



> And maybe you've just hit a yield sign on your way to feeling better. As we get closer to change, some people say that we "put on the brakes" and want to slow down. Change requires a lot of work and feeling/doing things you would rather not feel/do but in the end it's worth it. We can change Janet.



It does require a lot of work and going through a lot of hard stuff. I think we can change. I think maybe I'm being too impatient with myself. I feel frustrated with myself. I sabatoge my own efforts lots of times. And sometimes it seems like all this other stuff comes up when I think I've dealt with one issue. But I guess that's just how life is.



			
				baseballcap  said:
			
		

> at first it will feel strange because you're not used to it. but it will be good.
> 
> i can understand why you would be afraid of not being depressed, i had moments like that too a few months ago. i felt like my pain defined who i was. if i didn't have my pain then who would i be? it just seems to become a part of your identity. but in reality you will still be you, even when the pain is gone. a happier you. it really is worth it to fight for this.



I think it is worth it. I can relate to feeling like pain is who I am. If it's gone or less then who or what am I? 

I like the idea of feeling better though, even if it would be strange. 



			
				nsa  said:
			
		

> from reading this thread and others that you have either written yourself or replied to another member.. i believe You are emerging (mentally) from the life you have now (as you have described it) to a place that is going to be so much better..... you are already on this road.. journey.. and we are with you..
> we have to let some things go as we push ahead.. even things that we have liked or loved.. because if we don't.. we won't get to where we need to be.



I think you're right. It is hard to let go of old things, but I guess necessary. 



> there will be new joys janet.. new experiences...a journey into the unknown.. but it's a journey well worth taking... it's okay to be scared of the unknown...I sure was.. but i made it and you will too!!



I hope there will be new joys. I like that idea too. 



> maybe you can't see the strides you have already made but i can and i'm sure others here can also.. keep going Janet... and if you feel you are slipping.. remember we are nearby to help you on yur way again..
> 
> You are so much stronger than you give yorself credit for...



I don't see any of this at all, but it's good to know someone does.




			
				ThatLady  said:
			
		

> I think you've explained most of it quite well, Janet. I also think we try to hold onto the familiar things, good and/or bad, because we don't know what's in store for us in future. That's a natural reaction to change. It's important to realize that when the joy is gone from that which once brought you happiness, something is seriously wrong and change is not only necessary, but inevitable. If you're totally miserable, there's only one way to go and that's up.



I would like some of the old joys back.

Mostly, especially lately, I just wonder what the heck do I think I'm doing? Trying to change. Just have to keep trying I guess.


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## texasgirl (Aug 22, 2006)

Janet, I am new to this forum but some of the things you have said ring true for me as well.  It seems to me though that sometimes when I am most depressed or sad is when I appreciate what it felt like to be happy.  And it's the recognition of what's missing that continues to feed the spiral of being depressed because the harder I try to "find" happiness, the more elusive it is.  The trick for me (and I'm not very good at it!) is remembering to not try so hard, but just to accept for that day or even that moment, that I am sad and that maybe if I don't fight so hard to run away from the sadness so that I can find happiness that was or will be, it will just come without my expecting it. Hard to do, but sometimes it does despite anything I do.  I just hope for you and for all of us that it does much sooner than you think it will.  Hang in there.


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 22, 2006)

Hi texasgirl.  Welcome. 



texasgirl said:


> It seems to me though that sometimes when I am most depressed or sad is when I appreciate what it felt like to be happy.  And it's the recognition of what's missing that continues to feed the spiral of being depressed because the harder I try to "find" happiness, the more elusive it is.



I think that is so right. It does feed the downward spiral. 



> The trick for me (and I'm not very good at it!) is remembering to not try so hard, but just to accept for that day or even that moment, that I am sad and that maybe if I don't fight so hard to run away from the sadness so that I can find happiness that was or will be, it will just come without my expecting it. Hard to do, but sometimes it does despite anything I do.



That is really good advice. Thank you for sharing that. I think sometimes I get so caught up in frantically looking for happiness or peace that I'm missing the little moments that it does come to me, in simple things like sunsets and flowers and quiet moments.  I miss a lot of things. 




> I just hope for you and for all of us that it does much sooner than you think it will.  Hang in there.



I hope this too. Thank you. You hang in there too.


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## texasgirl (Aug 22, 2006)

Hi Janet!

You are so right about the frantic part.  I think for me anyway it's the frantic running toward and running away that drives me right past what is actually happening - even if it's good!  I just miss it entirely.  Part of it is for me being stuck in the memories of the past that control the today.  That's why I hope that therapy may help me not to erase the past, but to make it more manageable so that it no longer controls me like it does - and so I can slow down enough to catch happy!


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 6, 2007)

I was thinking about this today. I am not scared of not being depressed anymore. I am more scared the severe depression will come back. I think that's a good sign. I hope it is.


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## HA (Apr 6, 2007)

I think that's a good sign, Janet!
I love your dancing cat.


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## Into The Light (Apr 6, 2007)

it's a very good sign  not too long ago i was feeling great for a little while and then seemed to have depressive symptoms again. it certainly scared me when that happened. the fear is good, it encourages you to take action should you start to feel depressed again.

i also remember a time when depressed i was afraid of being well. so i think everything you are feeling is quite normal.


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