# Emotional attachment problem



## vanillacandy (Sep 10, 2011)

I have noticed a pattern in my trying to start relationships that just keeps repeating itself. 

When I meet someone intresting I usually get intrested very fast, and start thinking of them all the time. Then when a change actually arises to do something about it, I back out, my feelings sort of "shut off". 

It's as if when I'm away from the person my feelings get strong, and then they disappear when I'm with them. Also if I know the person is out of reach, or there is no indication of something going on between us I am intrested and when I know they are intrested in me too I'm suddenly not.

Sort of a "you always want what you can't get" or "I just enjoy the chase" situation, except that this applies not only to superficial intrests of attraction but also to people I really connect with and know well.

For example, I've recently spent a lot of time with a person I really like. We are very similar and I love talking to him for hours. When he is away I miss him and think about him all the time, but when I'm with him he suddenly feels more like just a friend, the romantic feelings are almost gone. This is very confusing since my feelings just keep switching and get stronger and weaker all the time. And the same thing has happened with all the other people before him, no matter if it's someone I really connect to on a deeper level or someone I'm attracted to and just want to have fun with.

Maybe this is a fear of attachment thing. But no description seems to match. I'm not afraid of getting hurt, it's really the other way around, I feel like I would love to be the one to get hurt for once. But I never feel that strongly for anyone. I'm not afraid of getting left alone, I'm always more or less alone and independent, and the guys I have been with always treat me extremely well, and I don't even think about the possibility of them leaving me. It's me who always backs out, I just don't feel enough for them to stay.

I don't have a low self esteem, as far as I know. I do think I deserve someone by my side. I don't really have trust issues either, since I like to talk to people about things. And the people I have been with have been wonderful people and i've really valued them.

So I can't really seem to find a reason behind that I never get close to people. Since I do try and want to. Does anyone know any reason, maybe some kind of mental block or defence or unconscious way of thinking that might be my problem? Because I am really sick of this.


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## Daniel (Sep 10, 2011)

Perhaps one of these questions is relevant: When is the longest you have been in a romantic relationship?  Was anything majorly different back then? Do you date much?   Do you socialize much?  Do you usually get bored in your platonic friendships as well and then terminate them? Would you describe yourself as an introvert? Are you happy with your platonic friendships?

One thing that can make both platonic and romantic relationships less interesting is a lack of developing intimacy.    One reason people are not more open with each other is, as you alluded to, fear of rejection, but more generally the fear of being judged, etc.   But you seem to be saying that is not the major issue.

Another thing that comes to mind is that perhaps, due to cultural norms, you believe you should be in a relationship even if you don't want to be until you find someone you really click with.  Or perhaps you haven't found anyone interesting enough for you because you aren't really looking -- hoping they will come to you.  There seems to be lots of possibilities and it may be a combination of factors, including cultural factors like the Internet.  

BTW: 



http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/19973-great-expectations-the-soul-mate-quest.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/12200-the-anatomy-of-love.html


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## Yuray (Sep 11, 2011)

OTOH....Shopenhauer, a misogynist, fared rather poorly in relationships with women, and I feel his interpretion on human connections is based on personal experience rather than empirical evidence or research......


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## Daniel (Sep 11, 2011)

A related point to the Hedgehog's dilemma:



> The desire for personal space vs. closeness or intimacy varies by the individual, which can create problems if the partners view their needs differently...
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/3548-couples-can-be-too-close-for-comfort.html



(Some researchers at Florida State University also found empirical support for their social reconnection hypothesis related to the Hedgehog's dilemma.)

But yes, there are problems with the metaphor, e.g:  



> Our error is in presuming that aloneness and attachment are either/or conditions. They are at odds only when they are pitted against each other. The healing aspects of solitude have not gone wholly unnoticed in current psychology; "time out" has been heralded as a coping strategy, as an emotional breather. However, the phrase "time out" suggests that, in the theatre of life, relating and stimulation are the important dramas and alonetime merely intermission. In truth, each profoundly enriches the other. So, let's discover the joys of solitude.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/6856-the-call-of-solitude-aloneness-versus-loneliness.html



In any case, the literature on romantic relationships includes disucssions on attachment styles, introversion vs. extraversion, being a highly-sensitive person, being an "emotional vampire," etc:



> "Highly avoidant people...yearn to limit intimacy and maintain control and autonomy in their relationships."
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relation...y-affect-memories-of-relationship-events.html





> Although the theories seem to make sense, I wonder two things. First, is there an "extrovert bias" to these attachment styles? I think about someone who is introverted (like myself). Introverts aren't always "open" about how they are feeling because introverts, theoretically, process internally.
> 
> The Virgin Single: The science of attachment





> Securely attached adults tend to have positive views of themselves, their partners and their relationships. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, balancing the two. Anxious-preoccupied adults seek high levels of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from partners, becoming overly dependent. They tend to be less trusting, have less positive views about themselves and their partners, and may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsiveness in their relationships. Dismissive-avoidant adults desire a high level of independence, often appearing to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient, invulnerable to attachment feelings and not needing close relationships. They tend to suppress their feelings, dealing with rejection by distancing themselves from partners of whom they often have a poor opinion. Fearful-avoidant adults have mixed feelings about close relationships, both desiring and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They tend to mistrust their partners and view themselves as unworthy. Like dismissive-avoidant adults, fearful-avoidant adults tend to seek less intimacy, suppressing their feelings.
> 
> Attachment theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia





> "Some people simply have a low need for affiliation," says Jonathan Cheek, a psychologist at Wellesley College. "There's a big subdivision between the loner-by-preference and the enforced loner." Those who choose the living room over the ballroom may have inherited their temperament, Cheek says. Or a penchant for solitude could reflect a mix of innate tendencies and experiences such as not having many friends as a child or growing up in a family that values privacy.
> 
> Field Guide to the Loner: The Real Insiders | Psychology Today





> HSPs, are a bit happier paired with each other. They understand each other...
> 
> Because HSPs are picking up on so much, they are also more prone to overstimulation, quicker to feel stress--including the stimulation and stress that can arise in any intense, intimate interactions. They need more down time, which can cause a partner to feel left out. They find different things enjoyable compared to others.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/18873-the-highly-sensitive-person-in-love.html





> Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they're afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn't understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn't feel safe. One empath-patient told me, "It helps explain why at thirty-two I've only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year." Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relation...e-people-to-find-relationships-that-work.html





> Introverts also eventually reach the asymptote at which intimacy levels off and passiond windles, of course, but because intimacy with a new person develops more slowly, they are less prone than extraverts to fall into the whirlwind romance pattern and hence less likely to have a high turnover in their romantic relationship partners.
> 
> Amazon.com: Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy (9780805842852): Debra J. Mashek, Arthur Aron: Books





> Increasingly, Western psychologists are recognizing the negative consequences of individualism and independence that ignores basic needs for close social relationships (see Myers, 1999, for a review). Recognition of variation in the self-construal, examination of the ways that others are included in the self, and research on the consequences of relational conceptions of the self may lead to richer theories of relationship processes and new perspectives on identity that free people from the glorious but terrifying isolation of the American conception of the self.
> 
> Amazon.com: Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy (9780805842852): Debra J. Mashek, Arthur Aron: Books





> "They tend to like a big return but don't like making such a big investment. In literature, they have been referred to with some popularity as the emotional vampires."
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psycholo...558-introversion-and-the-energy-equation.html





> Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.
> 
> The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship | Psychology Today


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