# Not enough of a reason for feeling the way I do



## gooblax (Jul 9, 2019)

At my last season my therapist raised the point that my emotional response to something is stronger than it should normally be, and that maybe there's something I'm not telling him about. But there isn't anything else so the possibilities are:


I haven't properly explained some surrounding circumstances.
I'm a weak pathetic sissy (which is still inbuilt into possibility 1, because needing a gigantic backstory is pathetic too).

I've been trying to come up with a way to try explaining the things that might be unexplained but maybe I shouldn't even bother because it's all just too minor and I should be more focused on moving on from the idea of talking about any of this stuff.
If it weren't for my long distance bf I could cancel my internet, and get a dumb-phone plan without data just for calls with my parents and that'd be that.


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## Daniel (Jul 9, 2019)

> because it's all just too minor



Maybe try to find recurring themes during journaling?  Even if something seems minor, isn't life sometimes about the details?  

Journaling can help facilitate therapy in any case: Journaling in Therapy | Psychology Today


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## Daniel (Jul 10, 2019)

> If it weren't for my long distance bf I could cancel my internet, and get a dumb-phone plan without data just for calls with my parents and that'd be that.



Or go on a cruise    (The Internet was so slow for me on Norwegian Cruise Line that I just used it to read Google Books.)


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## Jesse910 (Jul 10, 2019)

Hi Gooblax:

Why put yourself through figuring out the details?  When the timing is right, the words will come. One of the ways I cope is through journaling. I tend to edit less.  I'm not big on telling everything to my therapist because we are different people and he doesn't always get what I am sharing. Some times, I need to just let myself off the hook and just breathe.


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## gooblax (Jul 10, 2019)

Thanks for the journalling suggestions.

I've been reluctant to do journalling this time around because I feel like I need to be talking to someone else. I don't feel safe trusting myself with my thoughts, if that makes sense. (My old journal used to turn into a self-insulting activity.) That said, I spend plenty of time scribbling things down on random bits of paper or in random word docs or notes on my phone so that's almost like a journal but far less structured and always with the intent of trying to put my thoughts into an order to be communicated to someone else. Maybe I do just need to find a single location to put it all, and pretend I'm writing to a version of myself who's not going to be an asshat. 

Once it gets later in the day I'm going to ask my therapist for a session either the week after next or later (also once I determine how to word that nonconfusingly). The only thing this break has done is made me feel more miserable... which was one of the aims, so no surprises there. I guess it also got me thinking about why it made me miserable so that might be useful too.

But maybe having a session date as a target will at least put the brakes on the mopey train.


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## Daniel (Jul 10, 2019)

> But maybe having a session date as a target will at least put the brakes on the mopey train.



Like booking a cruise to the psyche


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## gooblax (Jul 10, 2019)

Daniel said:


> Like booking a cruise to the psyche


Haha sure, something like that 

When we last spoke he said he'd prefer that I sms to ask for a session rather than email so that's a different beast in itself.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 10, 2019)

Does SMS make it easier than email? Or more difficult?


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## gooblax (Jul 10, 2019)

David Baxter said:


> Does SMS make it easier than email? Or more difficult?


I won't know until I try it.

SMS I think is more "interrupt-y" than email so I'm mildly worried about sending it at a bad time. I refused to save his mobile number as a contact because it seemed weird but I do have his number from when he SMS'd me about being late and it's included on his bills and email sig so it's not like it's weird for me to have it but it feels weird to use it. But email feels weird too so there's no real net change there. 

The real test will be with how I go after sending it, like will I be checking my phone a zillion times (probably) the same as with email.

I dunno, SMS just feels a bit more personal than an email even though I'd guess its a separate work mobile and I'm saying less personal stuff (like literally just hey can we have a session at xyz?) .


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 10, 2019)

Yeah I would prefer email personally. Less intrusive on both sides.

Like I usually answer emails fairly promptly but I can do it when I'm ready to reply. SMS is more of a demand which makes me feel like I should reply immediately.

I would recommend that if SMS puts you off at all, just do the usual email request.


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## gooblax (Jul 10, 2019)

He said that he gets a lot of emails, and given his track record of replying it's probably worth me trying the SMS this time since he suggested it. 
Then try to hide my phone from myself til lunch time.


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## gooblax (Jul 10, 2019)

Good to see that he doesn't have any impetus to reply quickly to SMS.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 10, 2019)




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## GaryQ (Jul 10, 2019)

gooblax said:


> I won't know until I try it.
> I dunno, SMS just feels a bit more personal than an email even though I'd guess its a separate work mobile and I'm saying less personal stuff (like literally just hey can we have a session at xyz?) .



sorry, not funny but can't help finding that ironic... personal... this is the guy that you have therapy sessions with! That's technically a jeck of a lot more personal that a text message no? and I'm pretty sure he has it in do not disturb when it would be inconvenient 

I was only coming around cause I got a post from FMN with just a freinds smilet and then saw this and Hunter's thread. Haven't even made it there yet :facepalm:

Happy to hear you're not giving up on your therapy. Hang in there kiddo 

I'm glad David didn't remove my status or close my account. I can at least keep an eye out for you guys even if it's not very helpful. I just can't get into full on activity at the moment and can't promise I ever will. But keep feeling compelled to come check up on my friends here once in a while.


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## gooblax (Jul 10, 2019)

GaryQ said:


> sorry, not funny but can't help finding that ironic... personal... this is the guy that you have therapy sessions with! That's technically a jeck of a lot more personal that a text message no? and I'm pretty sure he has it in do not disturb when it would be inconvenient


LOL Well yes the therapy session itself is more personal, but outside of a session I figure he wouldn't want anything to do with personal stuff.

But oh well, I guess no need to think about it for at least 2 weeks if he hasn't replied by then. 

Glad to see you even just for a quick pop-in Gary


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## GaryQ (Jul 10, 2019)

> but outside of a session I figure he wouldn't want anything to do with personal stuff.​



That would be a no no if you were asking him out on a date. Not for professional reasons  
Glad to see yous still here when I pull a quick pop-up gooblax 

Now I need to rest a bit. Take care


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## gooblax (Jul 11, 2019)

:lol: I certainly have no intentions of asking him on a date.
It's more about respecting personal time and space and whatnot.

He replied to my text this afternoon so I've got the session set up now. Hopefully that might help a little.


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## gooblax (Jul 14, 2019)

I have been feeling significantly less upset about things since getting the next session sorted out, which is good. Interesting to see how much of the problem was being driven by that mess, but I don't know how to break it down further really.

I'm trying to decide what will be most useful to talk about in my next session. I still want to run the thing from pg1 of this thread past him but it starts getting too long every time I try to plan it out. And by the end of it it still doesn't make sense.  Then it also might be useful to discuss how this "break" worked out but I don't know if I can properly explain that either.
I'm going to be unintentionally confusing when I start talking about it unless I figure out some of this in advance.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 14, 2019)

What do you mean by it keeps getting too long?


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## gooblax (Jul 14, 2019)

David Baxter said:


> What do you mean by it keeps getting too long?


Like too many sentences/lines. After the first two points, my third point isn't really a point as much as it is a sphere - I can't get to the point because I don't know what it is. The longer it gets, the less sense it's going to make.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 15, 2019)

Why not open it as a topic and let the therapist help you untangle it?


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## gooblax (Jul 15, 2019)

I dunno, I've never done that before and can't imagine how it would work. I'll probably just fall into the "I dunno" trap if he asks something I haven't already considered. But I don't think there is anything that I haven't considered with this so I don't think he can help untangle it, given that he already doesn't think that it makes enough sense.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 15, 2019)

You may be underestimating him. That's what therapists are trained to do.


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## gooblax (Jul 15, 2019)

:dontknow::yikes::thinking: Maybe. But my written out stuff is currently a page long and still isn't a good enough reason. Before trying to discuss it I need it to either contain a better reason, or more concisely lead to the conclusion that there is no reason, or at the very least I need to not get emotional about there not being a reason.


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## Daniel (Jul 15, 2019)

BTW, I like vague poetry that makes things even more confusing in a way but in some ways more emotionally clear


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## gooblax (Jul 17, 2019)

I think I've narrowed it down.
The result makes me think I should cancel the session.


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## gooblax (Jul 17, 2019)

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2019)

Why do you say that  @gooblax?


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## gooblax (Jul 17, 2019)

I should cancel the session because I'm just a weak pathetic loser. But if I cancel the session then I'll just slide right back into being miserable about it like I was before booking the session, even though it's the correct way to deal with being a weak pathetic loser. And feeling miserable about the correct treatment of a weak pathetic loser is more evidence of being a weak pathetic loser. 

If I don't cancel then I have to tolerate my thoughts about being a weak pathetic loser, not only up until the session but then again when I explain the situation, and by doing so - when the correct thing to do is to cancel the session - it only enhances the degree to which I am a weak pathetic loser.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2019)

gooblax said:


> I should cancel the session because I'm just a weak pathetic loser.



No. You're not weak. You're not pathetic. You're now a loser. Those are just repetitive intrusive denigrating thoughts. They are not reality.



gooblax said:


> But if I cancel the session then I'll just slide right back into being miserable about it like I was before booking the session, even though it's the correct way to deal with being a weak pathetic loser.



No, it's not. The correct way to deal with them is to seek therapy to find better ways to ignore them and counter them.



gooblax said:


> And feeling miserable about the correct treatment of a weak pathetic loser is more evidence of being a weak pathetic loser.



No. It's more evidence that you need to continue your therapy sessions.



gooblax said:


> If I don't cancel then I have to tolerate my thoughts about being a weak pathetic loser, not only up until the session but then again when I explain the situation, and by doing so - when the correct thing to do is to cancel the session - it only enhances the degree to which I am a weak pathetic loser.



This is a clear example of circular distorted reasoning. Completely false.

I will never try to diagnose you or anyone else on this forum but do you think you may have some OCD traits or tendencies? This sounds very much like the way thoughts torment people with OCD every day and multiple times a day. Whether or not you meet the criteria for OCD, you might find some of the threads in the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder :: OCD section helpful or enlightening.

Don't cancel your appointment.


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## Daniel (Jul 17, 2019)

RE: "Damned if I do, damned if I don't."   (similar to my pet phrase "can't win for losing")

Therapy has been quite triggering for me in the past, as well as having obsessive thoughts about the therapy itself.  But it does help in the long term.


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## Daniel (Jul 17, 2019)

David Baxter said:


> Whether or not you meet the criteria for OCD, you might find some of the threads in the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder :: OCD section helpful or enlightening.



Indeed, the OCD expert Jeffrey Schwartz wrote a self-help book that applies to most people (after he wrote _Brain Lock_):



> You Are Not Your Brain - Amazon.com
> 
> A leading neuroplasticity researcher and the coauthor of the groundbreaking books _Brain Lock_ and _The Mind and the Brain_, Jeffrey M. Schwartz has spent his career studying the structure and neuronal firing patterns of the human brain. He pioneered the first mindfulness-based treatment program for people suffering from OCD, teaching patients how to achieve long-term relief from their compulsions.
> 
> For the past six years, Schwartz has worked with psychiatrist Rebecca Gladding to refine a program that successfully explains how the brain works and why we often feel besieged by bad brain wiring.  Just like with the compulsions of OCD patients, they discovered that bad habits, social anxieties, self-deprecating thoughts, and compulsive overindulgence are all rooted in overactive brain circuits. The key to making life changes that you want--to make your brain work for you--is to consciously choose to "starve" these circuits of focused attention, thereby decreasing their influence and strength.


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## gooblax (Jul 18, 2019)

Thanks David and Daniel. 
I have a reason behind why it isn't false but that's probably not useful to get into here. I'm not going to cancel but I'll need to basically start from scratch deciding what to talk about in the session. Maybe just leave it til the day.

I wouldn't categorise my stuff as being particularly OCD-like based on my limited knowledge, but I'll take a look in the subforum.


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## Daniel (Jul 18, 2019)

> , but I'll take a look in the subforum.



Be sure to pay close attention to Canadian Adjustment Disorder (CAD), an epidemic among non-Canadians who have spent any significant time on Canadian forums


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## gooblax (Jul 18, 2019)

Daniel said:


> Be sure to pay close attention to Canadian Adjustment Disorder (CAD), an epidemic among non-Canadians who have spent any significant time on Canadian forums


That would explain my attempts to make poutune with sub par ingredients.


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## gooblax (Jul 22, 2019)

I've got my session this afternoon. I've probably been through all the options of how this session might play out, from saying nothing useful and my therapist just talking the whole time, to talking about something completely different, to trying to talk about the stuff and the various ways that might happen.
Kind of feeling like a crazy person


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## gooblax (Jul 23, 2019)

The session ended up going quite well after all that.
I found an option of talking about the weak/pathetic/loser thoughts without getting emotional about it - skimming the top rather than taking a drink from the 'cursed font of unacceptable feelings'. And then also talked about some other stuff. Didn't try to go into any of the convoluted reason stuff which is OK for now although it's still going to be on my mind.
He's given me some ideas for challenging the weak/pathetic/loser thoughts, including a way I might be able to dodge them when it's time to book the next session.
He'll be away for a few weeks now, so hopefully I can avoid re-tangling myself for a little while at least.


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## Jesse910 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gooblax,I do not think anyone is "weak pathetic loser" including you.  I understand skirting the surface with your therapist.  I do it more times than I care to admit.  And, just because it'#s hard to talk about does not mean that it is not important.  As people, we are complicated. I'm not going to tell you to take a chance if you are not ready.  Writing down your thoughts is good.  It gives you a point of reference when you are ready to talk.


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## gooblax (Jul 23, 2019)

Thanks Jesse. I'm sure I'll get to it in time. Yesterday was a long way from 10yrs ago when I'd sit there with him just saying things from a list of "um, I dunno, not really, I guess" and barely anything else. I'd be interested in seeing what an in-person session would be like now (I'm doing these ones over video due to location) but at the moment it's helpful that I'm hidden from the shoulders down so I don't have to think about what it looks like when my legs/arms sometimes start shaking.


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