# Avoiding getting close to people



## myungsin

its only just recently ocured to me that the reason i have lots of friends but no close friends is because i subconsciously planned it that way!!? ill be mid conversation and something inside makes me end the conversation quickly and get away! like im afraid that if we get too close then it will be painfull like it was when i head to leave all my friends over and over again when i was younger. or that we might end up having the sort of relationship that my family has, which is not good! I think these two posible options of how a relationship will work out at perminently in the back of my mind and it makes me avoid getting to close to anyone. am i destin to always have lots of distant friends?


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## Into The Light

*Re: avoider!*

hello, welcome to the forum 

no, to answer your question, you're not destined to have only distant friends. i am a lot like you. when people get too close i panic and i change the subject. for some reason it's frightening to let them in and let them get to know me. but at the same time i want closeness, i want to have close relationships with people, even though it scares me. i've spent my whole life thinking i would never have any real friends. i've begun to make some of them, and even though it's not where i'd like it to be, i am confident that over time i will get there.

things can and do change. you just need to learn how and then work at it


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## Halo

Hi Myungsin

Welcome to Psychlinks :welcome:

While reading your post the part that stuck out at me the most was:



myungsin said:


> something inside makes me end the conversation quickly and get away! like im afraid that if we get too close then it will be painfull like it was when i head to leave all my friends over and over again when i was younger.



I guess I was wondering whether the fear that you have is only based around the painful memories of having to leave all your friends when you were younger and that is why you want out of the conversation so quickly.  Do you think that there any other thoughts or fear around the reasoning for wanting to get out of the conversation, for instance, they will get to know more about me, they will not like me, they will not think that I am smart etc.  Just a few quick thoughts that came to mind when reading your post.  I am not trying to put these fears into your head but I know that from my own experience that I tend to avoid people and gatherings because of these thoughts and fears that creep into my head.

Take care


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## Into The Light

just a thought, if you are afraid of losing your friends, this means you are trying to protect yourself from loss by keeping them at a distance. however, by keeping them at a distance, you feel like you don't really have them and you still end up feeling alone. 

so there are two choices. you can keep them at a distance and still feel alone, or you can let them into your life and not be alone. you may lose someone at some point if you let them in.. but i cannot see you losing them all at once (unless you move away). you have to decide which would feel better overall.


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## solitary man

I too have realized that over the years I've had friends but never took that step to confide in them of the things I'm going through.

I had no problem having people confide in me, and I had their backs in anything they needed help with.

I just couldn't trust anyone enough, plus I always felt that with their problems, the last thing they need to hear were mine.

In the last few years I've made several close friends, that I can count on one hand.
I was discussing with one them about the challenges I'm going through and how I felt bad for venting my problems.
She said that's what friendships are for.  Sure there are fun and crazy days where you share the good times, but you're also there for the bad times to give you a helping hand.

In the past I felt guilty for not having a vast social circle, and I thought people would judge me for not having a lot of friends.

I'm realizing now that I have a twisted sense of self worth and the judgements about me from others were self created.

Hey, I like being alone, but I hate being lonely.


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## David Baxter PhD

> I like being alone, but I hate being lonely.


That's probably a universal. The first step, which I think you've already taken, is realizing that they are not the same thing.


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## HelpingHand

solitary man said:


> I too have realized that over the years I've had friends but never took that step to confide in them of the things I'm going through.
> 
> I had no problem having people confide in me, and I had their backs in anything they needed help with.
> 
> I just couldn't trust anyone enough, plus I always felt that with their problems, the last thing they need to hear were mine.
> 
> In the last few years I've made several close friends, that I can count on one hand.
> I was discussing with one them about the challenges I'm going through and how I felt bad for venting my problems.
> She said that's what friendships are for.  Sure there are fun and crazy days where you share the good times, but you're also there for the bad times to give you a helping hand.
> 
> Hey, I like being alone, but I hate being lonely.



Wow. All of this applies to me. 
Except for the fact that the one person who I finally confided in, and confided the most about myself at that, no longer wants anything to do with me. 
The lines between being lonely and being alone are very much blurred for me now.


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## Into The Light

confiding in someone is a risk. it takes time to know if you can trust a person. it's scary, and risky, and you may get hurt... and if that happens, you just have to get up and try again. in the end life will be so much better for it. don't let the hurt stop you from reaching out to others. there are many wonderful people out there who can become invaluable friends.


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## HelpingHand

Getting up and trying again definitely is not me. 

I tell myself over and over again that I like being by myself.
A good day is when I believe it. 
Those days are few and far between. But in theory, they're supposed to be that much more when they do come, right?


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## Into The Light

> Those days are few and far between. But in theory, they're supposed to be that much more when they do come, right?


yes, that's right.

for me counseling has made a huge difference in how i see myself. i am much more appreciative of me and far less critical. i think anyone struggling with self-esteem could benefit from seeing a therapist to help change your view of yourself. it also helps you in your view of others, and your relationships with others will be better because you feel good about yourself.


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## Gwen67

wow, all these postings sound so much like me!
i too just recently realized that i've never had a proper _functional_ relationship (friends, family, sig. other, etc.) with anybody because i never let anybody get close to me.  I too always push people away as soon as they start to get close.  I have friends and a family, so i'm not alone....yet i often feel really lonely.  I'm trying to let people in...but it's damn hard!


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## David Baxter PhD

It definitely is, Gwen. When you've had all your life to practice keeping people out, it's hard to let anyone in. 

There are a lot of rewards for getting close to anotrher person and to letting another person get close to you. But that feeling of vulnerability when you do so can be very real and very scary.


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## yellodolphin

I can definately relate to this problem too.

I always push people away from me if they get too close. Ive lost many friends like this and my relationship with my family is not good. Its wierd though because i still have a strong need for acceptance which ive been trying to get over. 

Either way i think the best way to work on a relationship with someone else, is to start with yourself.

Im 20 and I feel bad i dont date or have alot of friends  as everyone tells me Im supposed to be having alot of fun at my age. But I dunno its hard to meet good people to in order to develop a meaningful relationship.


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## Miette

I can definitely relate to this.

I've noticed that sometimes my avoidance is almost a reflex, and I have to try to be aware of what I'm doing (avoiding) and try and change it in the moment.

It's hard.  I've accepted that it is going to be a long, ongoing process to change these behaviours that have been entrenched since childhood.  With me, I definitely realised that it started off as a coping mechanism to deal with the erratic and unpredictable moods of my father.


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