# I'm sorry



## braveheart (Dec 23, 2007)

This afternoon a wave of depression hit me, and is still flooding through me.

1) One of my flatmate's brother and family will be coming around tomorrow morning. I just... want to hide. I will hide in my room. But. I have to walk through the lounge to get to the toilet. And with my anxiety I need to use the toilet a lot. It's always been a problem, ever since I was about 6. And with no therapy tomorrow there'll be lots of feelings needing an outlet somewhere. Historically meaning lots of trips to the loo. And it's embarressing to have people aware of my bladder problem.

2) PMDD is setting in. Predictably right after ovulation. Grief at my perpetual and eternal probably single and childless status. The usual.
Hopefully creative surges will click in as usual in a day or so.....

3) I was busy all morning online and have had to do a lot of [emotional] Support work single handed online, noone else seems to be helping. I don't mind doing it, and I am good at it, but I have limits to my energy.

At least I have tomorrow afternoon's 2 hours at work to look forward to. They'll just be 3 of us. And we're bringing festive food. 
And then next Sunday a friend is coming for lunch, and the Wednesday after my parents are coming for lunch.

I suppose it's just hit me how alone I am and feel. And that there's 2 weeks until I see my therapist again. And nearly 2 weeks until I see my GP. 

I just feel so alone.

This afternoon my flatmates' son was crying and they refused to comfort him, and that hurts. I kept thinking how I would soothe and comfort him, how I would reach him in the state he was in and not yell at him. A child when they're crying often need tender touch, and not refusal to touch them until they stop crying. But I am powerless. I'm not his mother. 

And I want to be loved and held.
There are so many tears there that I daren't shed. I hold them in. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to cry.


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## ladylore (Dec 23, 2007)

braveheart said:


> This afternoon a wave of depression hit me, and is still flooding through me.
> 
> 1) One of my flatmate's brother and family will be coming around tomorrow morning. I just... want to hide. I will hide in my room. But. I have to walk through the lounge to get to the toilet. And with my anxiety I need to use the toilet a lot. It's always been a problem, ever since I was about 6. And with no therapy tomorrow there'll be lots of feelings needing an outlet somewhere. Historically meaning lots of trips to the loo. And it's embarressing to have people aware of my bladder problem.
> 
> ...



Hi Braveheart,

The compassion you have for your flat mate's son you also deserve for yourself and you also deserve to be comforted and hugged, So here are a few virtual ones. :hug::hug::hug:


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## Halo (Dec 23, 2007)

braveheart said:


> This afternoon a wave of depression hit me, and is still flooding through me.
> 
> 1) One of my flatmate's brother and family will be coming around tomorrow morning. I just... want to hide. I will hide in my room. But. I have to walk through the lounge to get to the toilet. And with my anxiety I need to use the toilet a lot. It's always been a problem, ever since I was about 6. And with no therapy tomorrow there'll be lots of feelings needing an outlet somewhere. Historically meaning lots of trips to the loo. And it's embarressing to have people aware of my bladder problem.



I don't know how comfortable you would be with this but maybe if you are using the bathroom a lot then saying politely that you have a bladder infection and are sorry for the interruption would curb the curiosity of the visitors and help you to feel better about needing to use the bathroom frequently.



braveheart said:


> I suppose it's just hit me how alone I am and feel. And that there's 2 weeks until I see my therapist again. And nearly 2 weeks until I see my GP.
> 
> I just feel so alone.



I can relate to that feeling of loneliness and how it just hits.  If you can think that although you may not be seeing your therapist and GP for 2 weeks that you always have us here to talk to, vent to, cry to or whatever, whenever you need to.  We are always here and will always be here.  I know it is probably not the same but it may be close.  Sometimes when I am feeling really lonely I just log on here and seeing the names of familiar people helps me to feel less alone.  Like these are people here that truly understand and care about me....just for who I am.



braveheart said:


> And I want to be loved and held.
> There are so many tears there that I daren't shed. I hold them in. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to cry.



Again I can relate to that...I don't cry often even when alone and somehow I think that this is a sense of strength but in reality it isn't.  I am just holding back a natural emotion that needs to come out and I am fighting it.  Being loved is a basic emotion that we all want and need in our lives and just remember Braveheart that you are loved...by each of us here :heart: :heart:

Take care and I am thinking of you and sending lots of these to you :hug: :hug: :hug:


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## braveheart (Dec 24, 2007)

Thank you both.

I handled this morning - they arrived just before I left for work. I left early, but that's ok, I got to help colleagues with some computer hassle!

The rest... comes and goes in waves. When it comes on it frightens me. But I just do my best to breathe through it.


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## sister-ray (Dec 24, 2007)

sending you some :hug::hug:


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## braveheart (Dec 25, 2007)

Thank you. 

I'm still with last night's meds. It's evenings that are the hardest it seems.


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## braveheart (Dec 25, 2007)

It's 'hit' again. 
My flatmates have been out all afternoon.
I feel so alone.
Presents open. Lunch eaten - hours ago. Parents phoned. 
I've just eaten some chocolate, but that probably won't improve things in the longer term, and might even make them worse. 
Just counting the days until I see my therapist and GP again. In the hope that the time gets less everytime I count. But it doesn't. It stays the same. 
I'm doing well - agitation and hyper-vigilance is much less. Suddenly shifted over the past few days. 
But I'm not feeling good. Not now. Not at all.


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## dark (Dec 25, 2007)

braveheart said:


> This afternoon a wave of depression hit me, and is still flooding through me.



Totally understandable.



> 1) One of my flatmate's brother and family will be coming around tomorrow morning. I just... want to hide. I will hide in my room. But. I have to walk through the lounge to get to the toilet. And with my anxiety I need to use the toilet a lot. It's always been a problem, ever since I was about 6. And with no therapy tomorrow there'll be lots of feelings needing an outlet somewhere. Historically meaning lots of trips to the loo. And it's embarressing to have people aware of my bladder problem.



I share your anxiety thinking about toilet usage - think I've always had the same problem perhaps.  I always have to go; maybe just nervous. 



> 2) PMDD is setting in. Predictably right after ovulation. Grief at my perpetual and eternal probably single and childless status. The usual.
> Hopefully creative surges will click in as usual in a day or so.....



This has got to be a horrible experience - sorry, and the other thing I wouldn't like about being women is the long toilet lines in public places.



> 3) I was busy all morning online and have had to do a lot of [emotional] Support work single handed online, noone else seems to be helping. I don't mind doing it, and I am good at it, but I have limits to my energy.



I find myself pacing or conserving my energy levels daily.



> At least I have tomorrow afternoon's 2 hours at work to look forward to. They'll just be 3 of us. And we're bringing festive food. And then next Sunday a friend is coming for lunch, and the Wednesday after my parents are coming for lunch.



I work tomorrow too and glad actually to get away from all the holiday stuff.  There's been too much food where I work!



> I suppose it's just hit me how alone I am and feel. And that there's 2 weeks until I see my therapist again. And nearly 2 weeks until I see my GP.....I just feel so alone.



Good luck there - you'll make it! 




> This afternoon my flatmates' son was crying and they refused to comfort him, and that hurts. I kept thinking how I would soothe and comfort him, how I would reach him in the state he was in and not yell at him. A child when they're crying often need tender touch, and not refusal to touch them until they stop crying. But I am powerless. I'm not his mother. And I want to be loved and held. There are so many tears there that I daren't shed. I hold them in. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to cry.



Crying kids is the worst, most annoying sound in the world.  I find it strange when a guardian ignores a child, especially in public, like a restaurant. 

Good luck today braveheart!


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## braveheart (Dec 25, 2007)

Thanks you. 

It's nearly 6pm here. Not long until nighttime. Although I don't know how I'll sleep, as I've not been out or active today. Beyond putting up a curtain, Christmas lights, and cooking my dinner!
I'm trying not to do to much, that seems to be helping, just doing enough to keep me focused and present - like reading old threads I've posted on here. 
I feel like there's too much space around me and that feels disorientating. I think that's partly an effect of decreasing hyper-vigilance, as well as being home alone.


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## dark (Dec 25, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Thanks you.  It's nearly 6pm here. Not long until nighttime. Although I don't know how I'll sleep, as I've not been out or active today. Beyond putting up a curtain, Christmas lights, and cooking my dinner! I'm trying not to do to much, that seems to be helping, just doing enough to keep me focused and present - like reading old threads I've posted on here.  I feel like there's too much space around me and that feels disorientating. I think that's partly an effect of decreasing hyper-vigilance, as well as being home alone.



Your certainly welcome braveheart!  Oh yeah, you guys are 8 hours ahead or something; I'm in Seattle USA.  Do I say that before?  Slap me if I did!  It's good you decided to limit your activities today perhaps.  Preparing dinner is certainly enough!  My lights look half-assed and resemble someone who might not care much... go figure. 

Too much space can be an issue; hopefully you're not experiencing symptoms like frequent nightmares with the surroundings.  I'm just too stressed with my folks arriving here in an hour or so.  Think I need to visit the toilet first!  

I'm envious you're Christmas is closer to ending.  Hopefully too you're not experiencing 'insomnia' in your busy flat.


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## braveheart (Dec 26, 2007)

Thanks. 

---

Today I got majorly triggered - not anything 'bad' but a big trigger for me - my flatmates having someone round for lunch without telling me, and leaving me feeling pushed aside and ... that triggered my Other Self to come forefront and she's been in front all afternoon and I don't know how to bring myself back. That scares me. My therapist can always help bring me back to myself, safe interaction can. But I don't know how to do that on my own. I just have to try and trust and hold on and let go or something. 

I just watched Brother Bear 2 on DVD and cried so much at various points.
I just want someone to affirm to me genuinely that I matter. That would 'break the spell'.


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## Cat Dancer (Dec 26, 2007)

You DO matter. Always.


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## dark (Dec 26, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Today I got majorly triggered - not anything 'bad' but a big trigger for me - my flatmates having someone round for lunch without telling me, and leaving me feeling pushed aside and ... that triggered my Other Self to come forefront and she's been in front all afternoon and I don't know how to bring myself back. That scares me. My therapist can always help bring me back to myself, safe interaction can. But I don't know how to do that on my own. I just have to try and trust and hold on and let go or something.
> 
> I just watched Brother Bear 2 on DVD and cried so much at various points.
> I just want someone to affirm to me genuinely that I matter. That would 'break the spell'.



I think the fact your current flatmate not offering the information about having someone for lunch is very rude; especially if now you have a feeling of being thrown to the waste side.  That's like a double trigger.  Maybe you could extrapolate what exactly scares you - if you want.

My 'parental aliens' are now gone (late yesterday and it wasn't 'safe interaction on any level).  It started to snow for a while and that triggered a  severe panic attack - thought they were going to have to spend the night!  My anxiety level was incredibly high at that point, until the snow turned to rain.  Anyway, I make it without going insane during the Christmas visit/dinner/gift exchange extravaganza. 

Braveheart - you matter, always remember that one thing!


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## braveheart (Dec 26, 2007)

Thank you both.

I went and ate in McDonalds. On Boxing Day. On my own.
I may be borderline-anorexic, but I do have to eat. Or, I try to..

Usually they warn me. Because they know. 

I can understand the anxieties re your parents, d69m. I'm glad the pressure's gone now. My parents are coming to lunch next Wednesday [while my flatmates are away!] an that's about as much as I can sanely handle.


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## dark (Dec 26, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Thank you both. I went and ate in McDonalds. On Boxing Day. On my own. I may be borderline-anorexic, but I do have to eat. Or, I try to..
> Usually they warn me. Because they know.
> I can understand the anxieties re your parents, d69m. I'm glad the pressure's gone now. My parents are coming to lunch next Wednesday [while my flatmates are away!] an that's about as much as I can sanely handle.



YES, you have to eat and take care of yourself - please!.  I rarely eat at McDonald's, but had breakfast burritos there the other day (comfort food); I actually thought it was OK in a pinch.  Besides, the restaurant (in my area) is so sterile and weird to me - I seem to get some sort of entertainment out of eating there and can't pinpoint why. 

After my folks left yesterday I sat on the toilet for a while in every effort to calm down... it was worst than normal and doesn't get easier with age.  Hopefully you'll do better next Wednesday than I did.  I basically can't handle being around them for more than a few hours - I get too stressed.  There's always too many questions from mom... the same ones over and over!  Aack!


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## Into The Light (Dec 26, 2007)

you matter braveheart. i just wanted to let you know that. :hug:


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## dark (Dec 26, 2007)

ladybug said:


> you matter braveheart. i just wanted to let you know that. :hug:



I second that one more time!


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## Halo (Dec 26, 2007)

I definitely think and know that you matter Braveheart...no question, for sure :hug: :hug: :hug:


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## braveheart (Dec 27, 2007)

Thanks.
I'm doing a bit better today. Being back at work and past all the seasonal irregularities makes all the difference. 
Journalling last night also helped, to gather up the threads of where my adult self had been present during the day, giving me a firmer net/support inside to be contained by, rest it. It's a relief to know I'm not all this Other One. Because ... well. If you'd met this Other Me you would too... 
And the magic pill... zopiclone! Well, not magic, but gives me additional sedation overnight, enough for my psyche to catch up with itself as it were.


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## dark (Dec 27, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Thanks. I'm doing a bit better today. Being back at work and past all the seasonal irregularities makes all the difference.
> Journalling last night also helped, to gather up the threads of where my adult self had been present during the say, giving me a firmer net/support inside to be contained by, rest it. It's a relief to know I'm not all this Other One. Because ... well. If you'd met this Other Me you would too...
> And the magic pill... zopiclone! Well, not magic, but gives me additional sedation overnight, enough for my psyche to catch up with itself as it were.




I'm relieved braveheart!  From what you offering yesterday I was a little concerned; the situation didn't sound good - so many things happening at once... the eating, flatmate, noisy ignored kid, McDonald's (thought I through that in, dunno why). Hopefully you got some nourishment tho.

Don't know much about zopiclone, sounds like it did the trick!  

Anyway, glad you're with us today!


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## braveheart (Dec 27, 2007)

Thanks. I was concerned too. Too many triggers for me to handle alone, really. 

I've eaten better today.

Zopiclone is a non benzo hypnotic sleep med. I take a low dose [what one GP I saw called 'the granny dose!'] in addition to mirtazapine. [sedative anti-depressant] from time to time when things are especially rough and I feel really vulnerable and raw.


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## dark (Dec 27, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Thanks. I was concerned too. Too many triggers for me to handle alone, really.  I've eaten better today.
> Zopiclone is a non benzo hypnotic sleep med. I take a low dose [what one GP I saw called 'the granny dose!'] in addition to mirtazapine. [sedative anti-depressant] from time to time when things are especially rough and I feel really vulnerable and raw.



I can certainly understand triggers.  I wouldn't think benzo type be too good, but Zopiclone in conjunction with mirtazapine sounds reasonable for your sensitive application.

Mmm... "vulnerable and raw" - I feel that way each and everyday.

Note and reference material to self:

Zopiclone - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Mirtazapine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Benzodiazepine -
"They began to be widely prescribed for stress-related ailments in the 1960s and 1970s. Often used by people doing LSD if they have to go to sleep fast during a bad trip."


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## braveheart (Dec 29, 2007)

Thanks. 

I've been doing better last night and today. It makes such a difference to be back at work.


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## dark (Dec 29, 2007)

braveheart said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I've been doing better last night and today. It makes such a difference to be back at work.



Good work 'braveheart', I was concerned.  Normally I don't mind work, it has a way of taking my mind off personal problems and feel like a productive member of society.

Keep us informed please of your continued status.  

-Douglas


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