# Wanting it to all stop



## forgetmenot (Apr 10, 2012)

phoned my t 'phoned crisis line 
what does one say when they have lost their mind
i know i am not there
yet so much inside me say so
how i just want it all to end
how i just want to go
how do you explain 
that it is not your pain you feel
it is from someone else
for so many years ago 
i know  i can't leave
but i want to go away so badly  i reall y do


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## Retired (Apr 10, 2012)

What did your therapist advise?

Did the volunteer at the crisis line help?

What happened today to bring you to this point?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 10, 2012)

to breath take medication   volunteer said nothing i hung up    car accident my fault  lady yelling at me  bro yelling at me   i can't go back again im so tired now so draineeddd im tired of trying to stay me.


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## Retired (Apr 10, 2012)

Have you taken your medication as the doctor advised?

Sorry to hear about the car accident.  These things happen, and hopefully no one was hurt.  It's not unusual for people to holler and act upset in these situations, but outbursts from strangers cannot be taken personally.

Let's hope the insurance companies will make things right.

Brother yelling...that could be handled differently, since it is someone with whom you might have more frequent contact.  You could say, "I'd like to talk to you about this, but lets discuss it in a civil manner.  If you continue yelling at me, I'd like you to leave, and come back when we can talk like two adults"

There is no reason for you to allow someone, especially a family member to treat you with disrespect.

Oh yes...I like square breathing when I'm feeling stressed too.  4 seconds breathe in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds exhale, 4 seconds hold.

There are other versions of this, but that's the one I learned years ago.

Maybe the best would be to write off the day, go to bed, get a good night's sleep and start fresh, a new day, in the morning.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 10, 2012)

ya that is what my T taught me to do breath in a box  too  went to bed so tired  i don't wnat to go ut anymore.


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## Retired (Apr 10, 2012)

Let's hope things will look better for you in the morning.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 10, 2012)

Sorry you're going through so much.


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## Miss Paynter (Apr 11, 2012)

Hi Eclipse, sad to hear you've had such a rough time. Keep up the box-breathing, I find it so calming myself. Wishing you a peaceful evening. MP


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 11, 2012)

It's hard for people to behave rationally in a car accident sometimes, but I agree with others who posted that your brother yelling at you wasn't very nice.  Sometimes people get louder when they are upset or worried.  Hopefully he was yelling because it scared him that you were in a car accident (and he had the outburst because he loves you) and not because he was telling you off or something.  That would be completely out of line to holler at someone in a mean way who was just in a car accident.  You'd be shaken up enough without all the yelling!  8P

I've been in a few fender benders myself.  The initial shock after impact is a bit rattling, isn't it?  Bleah...


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## AmZ (Apr 11, 2012)

So sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time Eclipse. It looks like some members here and suffering quite a lot at the moment. 

Sending you strength. 

Chin up.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 11, 2012)

sorry wrote a reply but the site crashed did not save it  so i just want to say thanks for caring  
i kept busy all day  holding so much inside  you know  trying to just blank it all out  yet just got call from people i owe money to fix up their vehicle
i have to fix mine up now too.   It is just material  noone was hurt  just tired  just anothr straw on camels back so to speak
will probably need to tak med again tonight  so much to do  so tired to do it all  so tired.
I wonder when it will be me  breaking in to two  i wonder if i can keep pushing through  all this   or when i will eventually just break


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## HBas (Apr 12, 2012)

Hey, Thinking of you. You are worth a lot to us - hang in there! 
H


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## forgetmenot (Apr 12, 2012)

Hi HBas nice to see you again   don't worry  i will take care of me  i will be ok    I hope you are well  hugs


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## forgetmenot (Apr 14, 2012)

somehow i have to win somehow


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 14, 2012)

Yes, you do. Hugs.


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## MWCT (Apr 18, 2012)

Car accidents are traumatic when they occur.  Sorry Eclipse that you went through that.  Try to think of the positive - that no one was hurt or that it could have been worse.

Feel better.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 18, 2012)

im ok thanks  your right noone was injured that all that matters


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 18, 2012)

Well, please don't feel like you have to invalidate your feelings, luv.  

How are you feeling right now?  Have you been able to move on from this?
Did your grouchy brother cut you some slack?  Out of all of that experience, I would know that would affect me the most.  That he didn't seem to care about my health and was just yelling at me.  Did that get resolved a bit more?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 18, 2012)

my brother is ill  and his anger will harm someone someday  i told his carers  all of them i can't go there anymre  i can't feel anymore i can't do this    i push through each day today is hard one but i get up  i look after who i can  and now i am back in bed   i want all this to stop i dont' know how i do it really each day get up knowing it never leaves  this deep sadness never leaves i see and feel too much   and i can't excape me   sorry i am ok  but i am not ok   i know  what it will take to bring me peace  but that won't happen


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 18, 2012)

I'm sorry you're hurting. Hugs. Iwish I had the right words to help.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 18, 2012)

i am told to back away but they won;t let me these professionals keep calling so i have to call in sick to work tomorrow  have yet another meeting re my mothers placement  re my brothers both in hospital re i don't want to be part of this but i am forced to be part of this    how can i leave her in a home that is full of danger   i went and got her brought her back to my place set up meeting for tomrorow  life goes on  and on and on  and no one sees or hears  no one gives a dam  for if they did they would see the limits they are pushing me to   i tell them please i can't do anymore  but they don't listen so i push me to gether again  and i become one of them in the end i will be one of them i am keeping me to gether  until yet again they are safe   not because i want to but because i am being forced to


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## suewatters1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Do you have somebody advocating for you?  I am not sure if your from Canada or the USA or somewhere else but I have a Canadian mental health worker who does phone calls on my behalf if I don't have the mental strength to deal with it.  Do you have somebody like that to help you? Or maybe a counselor you see who could write you a letter saying you cannot handle theses things that are happening to your family members that they will have to get their own social workers to help them or if you are in Canada  help from Community Care Access Center.
You need somebody to advocate for you because you are no good for your family if you fall apart emotionally.  Get somebody to advocate for YOU.

Sue


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## forgetmenot (Apr 18, 2012)

It is the ccac that keep calling me that keep insisting i have power of attorney over my mother i need to be there to sign papers   i don't have anyone  i am to keep me stable for them all  Even after all the help i got them dam people keepcalling me    i wish to god i could go away  I told them all  ccac looking after mother act team looking after brothers
all of them call me call me insisting i have yet another dam meeting when if they just listened to me first time around all this would not be happening  all this dam trauma would not be happening  but i am noone until they want something   you see  why i hate professionals  they do absolutely NOTHING all my life it has been this way  i ran i ran to get away from it all  i can't run now i have to help them    My one bro the one that was somewhat stable OD he could not handle it 
so they expect me to handle it my twin who is crippled to handle it  what the hell are they even thinking they don't give a dam ok  they never ever did


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## suewatters1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Eclipse do you have a therapist you talk to.  If yes call your therapist and tell your T what is going on and that it is to much for you to handle.

Sue


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## forgetmenot (Apr 19, 2012)

i woke up feel nothing zoned out  i see my t today  i am a professional i will get this done it is just another task to do  that all  i will stay calm breath no anger m  just state issues i know thye made promises the did not keep   deal with today only today get things accomplished look at what is infront of one and do it   just another task be professional get it done m   see i am ok when i put me in  professional mode tired so tired that all no emotions allowed to day  just going on robot mode now  thanks for talking to me and caring    My T will get me to see what needs be done and just do it  right  no problem   no emotions so good not to feel


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## forgetmenot (Apr 22, 2012)

life move forward  keep moving  try to control ones path try so hard but  too much pain  sadness

  i am strong  i am   so i understand how and why my bros  did what they did  they are not well    i am strong  i can fight  but i don't want to anymore

  i don't want to continue this battle  i know therei light  i know there is hope  but i am just not wanting it really anymore  i am wanting peace now

  no i don't want to make decisons  i don't want to be rational  i don't want to be me

  i want to run i want to hide  i want to disappear like before  how irresponsible and selfish that sounds  dam eh

    i am still her  that one inside  i am still her  and i  DON'T WANT TO BE HER   she is weak and pathetic and like all the others saw useless

   I can't be here i can't yet i find i have very little stength left in me to be someone that professional that everyone needs right now

   I am doing all ican to keep things in order  but it is all falling apart again  outside and inside it is all falling apart

    Work work is the only place i am safe  it seems  work takes me to whole different realm  god i am someone there  i am  yet now i don't even want to face that place a place that does bring some light to me.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 22, 2012)

Wow, your pain is tangible.  I wish I could offer you something.  

Keep telling us how you feel.  Maybe that will at least offer you some comfort.

You are you no matter if you work, or if you don't, and these people calling you are irritating, but you are still you.  You matter.  It might feel like they think you don't matter, and you might even wonder sometimes, but you DO matter.

It sounds like you need to run away to a nice quiet nature retreat where all you can hear is a little brook and some birds and maybe some wind through the branches of trees.  You need something serene and beautiful to soak in and soak up.  You need something slow and warm and gentle.


You don't have to go to work.  Work isn't you, it's just something you do.  They can figure things out.  When other people leave or are absent from work, they always find they can get along for a while without them.  Can you call in sick??  Can you take stress leave?  Vacation?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 23, 2012)

went to work i rocked for a bit at first but as i got into my work then my sadness left  i became someone of impt  i became someone that was useful  i was someone  
day off tomorrow not really though  have so much to do you know get things in order  so much tomorrow to do  should try to sleep some take med i guess i don't know really  i don't know   so much going on


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## forgetmenot (Apr 24, 2012)

Will try to take my meds so i can be strong tomorrow  i will be ok  everyone will be ok  somehow it will be okay it will


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 24, 2012)

Come back and talk to us some more Eclipse.  

It sounds like these people calling you basically have no choice but to call you (or like you say, they need to be better listeners)...  

I know when I was on stress leave years ago that I did not appreciate it when people from various departments called me to try to urge me to go back to work and I would have to argue with them that my therapist told me not to go back yet, etc, and the reasons were because the issues that created the stress in the first place were not met.  

I ended up screaming at someone and hanging up on them because they wouldn't leave me alone!  lol  I felt silly but at least it cut the calls down a bit!  8P

Could you once in a while let the voicemail/answering machine pickup so you don't have to talk?   Would it be better to send emails because then you have a paper trail: they can't turn around and say they misunderstood something because it's right there in black and white.  In your email reply if they miss something then you can write back on a fwd: "In reference to the last conversation we had, you will see what I told you highlighted and in bold."  Then hit Send!  lol


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## forgetmenot (Apr 24, 2012)

When dealing wtih beauracracy  on needs to be professional dam eh  um  i did blow up some i tod them all they were not professional they wer NOT professional  i to ld them  but that is over now   i am being a pprofessional i a m  getting things done  i know the dam system to well.   I have respite set up now will take tomorrow  i don't want to but i cant look after anymore    i just have to pray now  she will be safe in the nrsg facility 3 weeks that all  then i will see if long term care  is necessary  Maybe if i get me together some more maybe i will be able to take her home too   dam    
why am i so dam sad  why     i should not be this emotional  i need to keep calm breath  no more tears  i am ok  everyone is ok please now  let it all go away  let it all go away   i am a professional  a GOOD one  and i would never ever be one of them  never   never  never    dam meds  i don't want to take them i don't but i will tonight  so i sleep so i am calm tomorrow and don't show emotion  no emtoion   

I am good right  i am good please i am good  i just can't take anymore on i can't do that   I think if i did take her home with me my ma  i think  something in me would not be well and i would slowy not be here for my girl    I don't want to be here  my T know that  he knows  i want to be with my bro  but unlike them  i know i cannot harm others by leaving  so i stay  and i fight through each day knowing it will be a struggle  wish my brain would not fight me on the meds  but it does   It still does fight me  it tells me if i take them the meds i become one of them and i am not  i am ok  i am carer  iam someone i am   i am ok  i just wish i could ta lk to t  but his answering machine come on and i don't want to talk to a machine  i don't wnat to be here m  but i have to be   i just have to be here  so i am


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 24, 2012)

Can you send your therapist an email or just keep trying him on the phone?  

At least if you leave a message on the answering machine he will know you need to talk to someone...

Is there anyone else you can lean on or call just to vent?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 25, 2012)

no im ok  i don' need anyone really  went to work kept busy  tomorrow another day

---------- Post added at 03:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:20 AM ----------

All is done now  so drained from it all  called my t  left msg


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 25, 2012)

Excellent!  I am so glad you left a voice message for your therapist.

Sheez, you poor thing.  Probably need a week in a hyperbaric chamber or something.  Ya know, to decompress...

Either that or get a nice big giant hamster bubble that locks from the inside.  You could see people trying to get to you, but you wouldn't be able to hear them.  It might even make you laugh because they'd be doing all these theatrics trying to get their messages to you...  And if you wanted to you could just roll over them!  lol

Only one who's allowed inside with you is your therapist.  8)  You could take turns rolling over annoying people.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 27, 2012)

i am so tired but that okay
Whey is everyone so ill again  i hate seeing and feeling their pain  
It is like i am back there all over again
i have tried to get them all help they need
hell i have done that
but it hurts so much inside me  i can't i can't be their carer i want to be i truly do want to help them but i can't 
hell she is 82 she deserves care and kindness why can't I just give it to her  i can't  i get so angry inside me  i don't know why
i am not good  i am not good  but  logically it is the only way all will be safe   one hospitalzied  one has locked himself in house  Act team will have to take care him
one nsg home  ones is with me  all not well   all ill again     one is stable  she is doing well and i don't want them to set her off  she worked hard to become stable please keep her that way
i am being the professional   i am staying me  but dam emotions keep trying to take over  and i won't let them  i keep me busy so dam tears stay away
this illness takes so many away  i don't think people understand the loss to other family members  It affect all of us ok  not just the ones that are ill it takes us all with it
i am me a professional  trying so hard to stay in control  why in the hell does it have to affect so many why


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 27, 2012)

When do you get to worry about you and look after yourself?

Isn't there a safe place or person you can be more free with your emotions and get some of that off your chest?

Did your therapist get back to you yet?

Got a good punching bag you can beat up?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 27, 2012)

Have a psychologist  he is very busy has so much important thing to do   
i called lots to day  did not leave msg  hate talking to a machine  
i went to work where i sem to be able to become more stable there  mind is kept on other things
just when crisis team was called  it set me off a bit  mind went back to the ones that need me
 One day perhaps there will be time but i cannot go away now  not again  not when they ae all so ill


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## forgetmenot (Apr 29, 2012)

just tell me  how does one keep going when all around one is leaving again   another one in emerg  after trying weeks to get help do the right steps call for help with every time a no   ends up in emerg   im tired  so tired of see all this   it is like being in a nightmare not able to wake up from it


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## Retired (Apr 29, 2012)

> just tell me how does one keep going when all around one is leaving again another one in emerg after trying weeks to get help do the right steps call for help with every time a no ends up in emerg



Would you explain what this is about, please?  I'm having difficulty understanding the situation you are describing.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 29, 2012)

Eclipse, are you trying to take care of other people who are ill?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 29, 2012)

They are all ill again CD  all of them  and i can't do anything  to help them   One brother is in hospital now  the other locked himself in house  act team is watching him  and now my daughter again in emergency   and my mother i had to put into respite care  because i could not take care of her  she is so fragile.  you see i know i cannot be their carer anymore you see  but i have to step in  and make sure they  have help    i am tired of seeing all this illness  and hearing all the sadness   i thought it was over  but it not  they ae all ill all of them    One is okay  you know my twin  she is ok now  she is a survior  she is a fighter and she won  she has won     dam it i am just tired  im ok  i just want it all to stop  i want it all to go away  that all     Icannot turn and run like i did in the past   I lost one  i don['t want to lose anymore  iam on edge waiting for a call  from emergency dept  but whatever happens happens i am not going anywhere   i wish i had energy  the courage  to do what needs to be done but i don't right now i just want to sleep


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## Retired (Apr 29, 2012)

I can see that your situation can be overwhelming, especially if you are expecting yourself to be the care giver for each of these people.

As in all care giver situations, you must make your own health, well being and quality of life come first, and delegate as much of the care of the others to people who can take over for you.

You cannot be all things to all people, and you must make your own well being your priority.  Without you being healthy and strong, you are unable to provide help and support to those who might need it.

Are there other family members who can take some of the load from you?


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## forgetmenot (Apr 29, 2012)

my twin who is now stronger is taking care of my mother she has stepped in to do t hat for awhile i just don't want my twin to become unstable too     
i want them all well   i want them to be ok       one day maybe i will have courage to help me


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## Retired (Apr 29, 2012)

> i want them all well



Of course, and it would be unreasonable to feel otherwise.  However, there have to be priorities, and it would seem, based on what you have shared here, that the priority should be your own well being.

I don't think it's a question of courage, as you stated, but rather just setting priorities.  By feeling that you lack courage, you are unduly blaming yourself.  The illness of depression or feeling exhausted from over extending youself is not a failing of behaviour, but rather the effects of the illness and not setting priorities.

In my view there are two things to do in such a situation:

Set out a list of what needs to be done, and what would be nice to get done.  Need to get done are to eat nutritious meals, get at least 8 hours of restful sleep, take your medications, do your job maintain your home and take some time for yourself.  Nice to get done would be just about everything else.

Understand what you are capable of accomplishing in any given time period and allow yourself that amount of time for the task.  Keep your expectations reasonable, so that you don't try to take on more than you can reasonable handle.

By setting priorities and allowing time for what you need to do might just help to lower your anxiety levels, give you a sense of accomplishment and keep you in good shape to provide support for the others in your family.

_Don't make their struggles your struggles_.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 29, 2012)

I'm sorry. Lots of times when it rains it pours so they say. It sounds like a lot is on you. Try to take care of you too.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 29, 2012)

no lots of apin around me   so much pain for all of them  so much  girl i just picked up from emerg she  not good but doctor gave her a choice to stay or leave and she choose to go home  first she went to police dept filed a report   too mch pain  too mch sadness  and they are all so kind in the heart people see their vulnerability and they exploit it 
so much going on   i am just sick of this world really and all of it demons  just sick of it


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 29, 2012)

It seems to me she is looking after family members who are ill, and people are calling her (probably health care workers and insurance and lawyers and a bunch of other people who are also looking after her family members) and she's already worried about her family members and has her own issues.  She seems to feel guilty that she has her own needs, but it's pretty much a necessity to get through all these darn phone calls so that her family members are taken care of.   It's stressful enough without having to deal with red tape and (in my experience) sometimes these "professionals" forget things, or misunderstand, or else you were dealing with one person and now you're dealing with someone else who says the procedure/process is completely different from what the first person told you.

That's what I got out of what she said.  Her head's gonna fly off her shoulders, but she feels more anchored and distracted from these problems when she is at work where she has some control over things.  She feels all this stress in relation to her own issue, and then there's the stress of her ill family members (multiple family members) and on top of that there are all these phone calls.  Everyone wants her to take care of everyone else.

But I wanna know who's taking care of Eclipse??  She's left messages for her therapist.  What the heck, where is that therapist?  8P

Is that about it in a nutshell, Eclipse?  *hugs*


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## forgetmenot (Apr 29, 2012)

Eclipse takes care of eclipse   it is safe that way


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## forgetmenot (May 1, 2012)

i just wanted to talk to someone but there is noone there never is  there never was i am noone  and so tired these days  trying so hard to just follow my own advice take each minuteget through it 
  get up get dressed do what needs to be done  go to sleep go to work  shutting down  all emotions  not feeling anythiiiing  i wondeeeer if it is possible o keep going and when will it all stop this endless nightmare it seems


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