# help thinking things through and coping



## blownaway (Mar 23, 2005)

Hello,
For now I will just post this question, although I am afraid that I will have many others.  


If 2 people have significant chemistry, say things like "I like you", "I enjoy your company", "I care", "I have affection for you" 
what is missing to make it love after nearly six months of dating.  For sure, there have been times apart (almost 3 weeks at one point, 1 week at another, couple at another) and the dating was "formal". (dinners, conversations, concerts...).  Is it sensible to break up such a relationship or is it a mistake?

Pls let me know, if I need to add anything here to clarify.  I am trying to keep it simple for starts.
Blownaway


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## blownaway (Mar 23, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

_Admin note:

Please don't double post -- just pick a category or topic and post your message only once. If it isn't in the most appropriate category, I or one of the moderators will move it.

Thanks!_


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 23, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

Sensible for whom?

I'm uncertain as to what you mean by "what is missing to make it love after nearly six months of dating". If you mean, "why don't we feel in love after 6 months", perhaps because you're simply not in love with this other person -- it happens. It's very difficult to predict when and where and why and with whom a person will fall in love, and sometimes "chemistry" can fool you -- is it love? or lust? or excitement of novelty countering loneliness?

If both of you feel that something is missing after 6 months, it may well be time to consider moving on. One thing is clear: As long as you are in a relationship that isn't working for you, you are not going to be in a position to find or create opportunities to find a relationship that _will_ work for you.


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## free (Mar 24, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

some clarification:  love is an action.  it's not words.  it's not something that happens.  it's not something you "fall out of".  love is composed of works that involve and demonstrate respect, appreciation, concern, interest, devotion, enthusiasm.  it is something done and created.  

you need to decide if you want to love this person and if this person wants to love you.  that's all.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 24, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*



> you need to decide if you want to love this person and if this person wants to love you. that's all.


I can't agree with that.

I have seen numerous examples in my life, professionally and personally, of people who would like to love (be in love with) a specific person because they think they should, their families think they should, etc., etc.

Love isn't something you "decide". It's something that happens... or not.


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## free (Mar 24, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

so, don't agree.



> love is something that happens...or not.



not true.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 24, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*



			
				free said:
			
		

> not true


is so!  )

now what do we do?  ;o)


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## blownaway (Mar 24, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

Thank you for your replies.  My question is really, what is MISSING?  I should think that if you LIKE someone, like being with them, have an intense physical attraction, say you care, have affection...How is that different from love?  What is missing?  


Furthermore, is it possible for someone to have LOVED another person (would have been willing to marry them, but only be disappointed at the loss of that person, not hurt?), or was that not love at all?


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## free (Mar 24, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

blownaway,

chances are, it wasn't love at all.  love is very powerful--much greater than disappointment.  physical attraction, affection, admiration all preceed love, but they are not love.  love is composed by numerous acts/investment/ committment.  the more you do for someone, the more time you invest in them, the more you will come to love them.  

the fact that you are willing to marry someone doesn't necessarily mean you are in love with them (hence, the alarmingly high divorce rates that plague our society).   again, love doesn't  just happen, it is created.

david baxter,


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## blownaway (Mar 24, 2005)

*love and giving doing*

Some people "do" and "give" without loving.  "Players" do.
You seem to view love as an investment (love of one's own efforts). 

Interesting.  Jane Austin saw it as having a degree of gratitude in it.
I tended to think she was right (that's why courtships work, sometimes)

I hear what you are saying, though: it's more than  words.  Must be supported in action.  I think the action, - most of us - take it for "expression" of feelings. 
By it's a decision, do you mean: one has to let oneself go?

That is what I am struggling with right now: the Q if it is a decision of sorts; if one can have one's guards up so high to never have the guts to make the decision to love.  Or, as John Gray says that we can keep on holding back, waiting for someone "better", more special, or just "take the plunge", make a decision to let go and love the next lovable person who comes along.


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## ThatLady (Mar 25, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

As I see it, love is different to different people, and in varying situations. I really don't think it's possible for one person to define what love is to another person. Love is very personal. Who you are, what you believe, your culture, your dreams, your inner being...all these things help to define what love is...but, only for you.


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## free (Mar 25, 2005)

*Help thinking things through and coping*

yes, some people "do" and "give" without loving, but you cannot love without "doing" and "giving".  

so you want to know who to love and when to love?

yes, love is an investment...it's an investment of time, respect, devotion, etc.

you really have to answer that yourself.  no one can do it for you.  when you meet someone who you believe is worthwhile enough for you to invest your time, respect, devotion, interest, concern, appreciation, enthusiasm, you might want to make the decision to love them.  you can base their level of importance on a variety of factors.  one good factor might be, this person is willing to love you back.  that's probably the most important.  other factors people use are a person's success, physical attraction, someone's ability to provide them with financial security, etc.

ultimately, when and who you should love is up to you.  but loving is a good thing, so "holding back" doesn't usually lead to happiness.


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