# Considering suicide



## Lonewolf

I don't know what i am really allowed to say on here but i have made plans! (with the help of certain internet sites) I am not sure when, but il have what i need when i decide to do it!! I know people say if you talk about it, you aren't really going to do it, but is that true? Am i being impulsive? Isn't our first thought always the best one? Can i rely on internet sites? Im sorry, im so so sorry!! Im just feeling so daughted by the future now, i don't know how to carry on! I feel like im in the way, i feel like im taking up space and oxygen that i really don't deserve!! mg: i apologise, im sorry!!


----------



## forgetmenot

*Re: planning!*

Hun  i hear your pain i do  but internet is not reliable  and you  hun  are not a waste of space.   I too have a plan ok i have had one for awhile but that does not mean i have to act on it.    I can relate to your post  the future so confusing so overwhelming at times   Please hun  don't look so far ahead ok    You just take one day today and get through it ok
Try not to go past the moment you are in.  I sometimes just take an hour and say i can make it through    The thing with suicide hun if it fails and most likely it will youare going to live perhaps with the after mass of that  attempt.     

Please hun reach out to your doctor  talk to your doctor  talk to your family and get the supports you deserve ok.  I too am at a point where if i don't get help then my impulses may make me make wrong choices.

Do that for you   make plans to help you ok  set up a plan that when everything get too much you have a phone number to call  you have a place to go to to keep you safe
Internet is NOT reliable source for anything hun  stay off those sites ok  

You deserve only compassion and care and support hun reach out and get it


----------



## Lonewolf

*Re: planning!*

Lol, its family that got me like this! there's no way i can talk to them!! im not good at talking to strangers and im frightend of my GP, basically im in this alone!! I wonder if im worth all the struggle!!


----------



## gooblax

*Re: planning!*

You are worth the struggle, and you owe it to yourself to make a productive "counter-plan" to reach out for help from a professional service. Instead of suicide, why not try something that has the potential to help, first?


----------



## Retired

*Re: planning!*

Sorry to hear about your situation, Reeper.  What has your family done to bring you to feel suicide is your only option?

Is there anyone at all on your life with whom you have rapport at this time and why have you lost confidence in your doctor?


----------



## Lonewolf

*Re: Planning!*

There is no one out there for me! Only strangers!! mg:


----------



## MHealthJo

*Re: Planning!*

We were strangers to you at first, but by reaching out bravely to us, you have done well and have been able to have the experience where we have been able to be there for you. You have been able to have the experience where you found that we were safe enough to talk to and offer support and help..... We are so glad that you have got that support for yourself here. 

I believe if you stick with trying to stay connected to some healthy resources, healthy places and things like that, you can come to no longer feel alone, and feel that you have friends and support here ... that you are not all alone in this.

And notice that the same thing can be possible for other sources of help and support - just like you realised it was okay to reach to us, the same thing can happen with the other ways you can get help and support. 

Use that.... Use it as proof that you can receive help, if you keep reaching for it.... 

Please be sure to call emergency, open up to other support services, or a doctor instead of using your other plan. It could be the chance to get well and have a different life .With those who have found it so hard to trust and receive help and support, sometimes a crisis gives that opportunity... being forced to make that phone call or tell that you need more help and you have thoughts of suicide and/or a plan. It becomes that push which caused a positive change for the person, if they made the great choice to reach for help at that time.

So please be sure to have a good plan that you will use, instead of the other plan. Because you deserve to live, and to feel much more safe and well. 

Take what you deserve - help and support. Don't accept the fate that you don't deserve. Give yourself the chance to learn that good things are what you do deserve, and you CAN have them. (Even if those things are hard to believe just yet.)

Would you be comfortable if we knew what country or area you are in? We might be able to find some good phone numbers and resources for you?

xx


----------



## David Baxter PhD

Title of thread changed to be less triggering.


----------



## Lonewolf

sorry!! :hide:


----------



## forgetmenot

It is ok hun  keep talking to us ok  no need to be afraid hugs


----------



## Lonewolf

i just don't know what im able to say anymore! i am so frightend with everything, but i keep putting my foot in it!! Its making me more anxious cos i feel like im causing problems on these forums and these are the only places i can be anonymous  and be honest about things!! I knew it was too good to be true!!(like everything else, why am i surprised), im sorry!!


----------



## David Baxter PhD

What problems do you think you're causing here?


----------



## Lonewolf

I don't know really! It takes so much strength for me to talk and ive had a couple of warnings and corrections!! Don't get me wrong, i understand why and i understand other people may be influenced or upset by it! I feel that all my confidence has gone and im too scared to talk anymore!! Im really sorry, i feel like a right idiot and very embarrassed!! I know its nothing personal!! Im just feeling a little fragile!!


----------



## David Baxter PhD

We have moderators and administrators here to monitor such things. If you post something triggering, it will be edited and corrected, and if you make a habit of it we'll try to be more specific in our instructions, but for now try not to worry too much about it.


----------



## MHealthJo

Yes honey, please don't worry about it in that way!

To be honest, I am not too sure about what exactly would be considered triggering in some cases, either. 

Like I know that, say, if I described in detail the graphic, physical details of abuse for example, then that would be triggering. But I am not sure, in each case, how I would express something in a more general way instead or exactly where to draw each line.

And in other topics such as this thread, I wouldn't know the full details of how to minimise triggering, either.

 It is tricky when people start out, and can still be a little confusing even for some who are more experienced. So please do not worry too much!

And when something you post gets adjusted please do not feel awful - gradually you will get the hang of it but for a while it is hard to be sure. And sometimes experienced members also just forget or just don't do it the "best" it can possibly be done - so as a helping hand, the administrators just adjust something and explain why.

Maybe Dr Baxter or someone who knows of a location, could direct you to a link of our explanation of how to be the least triggering? 

If you find that information explaining it, and do your best with that info, then that is all anyone can ask. And the admins may still make an adjustment sometimes. And that's okay and does not mean you are in trouble or have done something bad. xx


----------



## Banned

MHealthJo said:


> Maybe Dr Baxter or someone who knows of a location, could direct you to a link of our explanation of how to be the least triggering?
> xx



Triggering content that will be edited includes graphic and / or specific details of certain acts or thoughts such as self harm or suicide attempts, abuse, etc.  In the eating disorder threads we edit specific numbers that refer to weight loss or gain.  

A good way to think of it is that this is a "self HELP" forum.  Is what you're posting likely to be helpful or harmful to someone else reading it?  If its likely to be harmful or upsetting we may edit the details to keep Psychlinks safe for both registered and non-registered users.

If you are still unsure, thereeper, the Forum Rules have more detailed information on what is and is not permitted.


----------



## Lonewolf

Im still here, waiting! I don't know why? Im not sure who im here for? i dont feel im living a life, its more that im existing! Feeling so low, deserted, abandoned, unwanted, unneeded!! Is this punishment for me?? Have i been that bad? Maybe?


----------



## Retired

> Is this punishment for me?? Have i been that bad?



No this is not punishment nor any kind of retribution for anything in your life.

It is, however a form of mental illness, dominated by distorted thinking where your thoughts of hopelessness and depression are driving your emotions.

Thankfully you have had the presence of mind to reach out for support, and you have been given some good advice since you joined Psychlinks.

You need to seek professional help in your area, by calling your doctor, your therapist or perhaps a spiritual advisor who can help keep you safe, treat your symptoms to allow you to consider your options to solve the problems in your life, in a rational manner.

Suicide is not a solution, but rather results in a number of problems for others, even if, as you say, you have no one in your life.

Have you contacted a local Crisis Hotline for direction and support?

If you don't know how to find a local crisis hotline, tell us where you are located and we'll get you the local contact information.


----------



## Lonewolf

thanks for the offer lol, but i just don't want to waste anyones time and i feel thats exactly what i am!! sorry!!


----------



## Retired

> i just don't want to waste anyones time and i feel thats exactly what i am!!



Why do you feel that way?  

People are here and those volunteering on crisis lines  are there to lend an ear and provide some support.

They wouldn't be doing that kind of work unless they cared for people, enjoyed interacting with people and in the end trying to help.

I don't quite understand what you are looking for.


----------



## Lonewolf

neither do i? sorry! please tell me if im getting on anyone's nurves, i feel awkward! i just needed someone to hear me!!


----------



## Retired

No one is getting nervous, and there is no reason for you to feel awkward.  We are here to help, but you need to participate in the conversation if you expect to derive any benefit from the support being offered to you.

Several people have reached out to you, and some questions have been asked of you to gain some insights into your situation.   You have chosen, thus far to not answer the questions, which is why it is difficult to know what to offer you in the way of information and support.



> Im just feeling so daughted by the future now, i don't know how to carry on! I feel like im in the way, i feel like im taking up space and oxygen that i really don't deserve!!...... its family that got me like this!



Exactly what has taken place in your life to bring you to this point of feeling hopeless making you think suicide is your only option?  Have you ever attempted suicide in the past?

You say you reject calling a local crisis hotline that might be able to point you to local resources for assistance, which is why I'm asking what it is you are looking for.

Suicide is not the answer, because there are solutions to whatever problems make up your current circumstances.  It is up to you to avail yourself of the resources that can help you find those solutions.

The best we can do here is to point you to those resources, but it is up to you to act on those suggestions.

Where are you located, so we can try to locate a local crisis hotline for you.


----------



## Lonewolf

i was abused as a child by a close relative, up until i thought i was old enough not to have any repoccussions from disclosing the information about the abuse to a youth worker, but as i was still attending school, it got passed onto social services!! There was a big meeting and my mum had to decide which one of us was going to be put into care!! The decision was made and as soon as i moved into foster care, the whole family disowned me!! All these years later things are still very volitile and i have felt so guilty about the deverstation i caused from the falloout of telling someone about it!! I have a sort of a relationship with mum and dad, but 'he' lives there too, so its very difficult! I have tried to make it up to them for all the hurt and pain, but i don't feel that i can ever make it up!! When i was in care i tried to commit suicide as i felt that would suit everybody, including me!! 

I appreciate the contact i have with my mum and dad, but it is very onesided! I try not to think about how some of the things they do, make me feel because i can't be without them no matter what! Everytime i want to spend time with them, i have to tolerate 'him' so that screws me up! I was once closed to my grandad, but this all exploded, he didn't want to see me and when he passed awaylast year, it really hurt and i don't think il ever get over that. I adored him!!

My best mate died in june last year, he was the only one in my whole life that accepted me for me!! I had to go into hospital to have an op on my head and the very day i get home, i get the call to tell me he was dead and from then on, i waish i hadn't survived the op! We were inseperable and now we are alone!! I miss him terribly and constantly think about going to join him! He made me feel safe! 

Now i find myself discharged from mental health services and without any moral or demestic support and the groups i attended have now ceased, so now i am totally alone! I am petrified of opening any bills or problem letters as they panic me and then i feel impulsive! 
 I have had some support for over 15 years and to suddenly pull it away has deverstated me, i now am totally alone and frightend!
I cant see any way forward and i don't want to live another decade if its going to be anything like this one!! Im not scared of death, but life seems a much more frightening to me!! im sorry,


----------



## adaptive1

That sounds so painful. I am so sorry you had to go through that, I hope you keep reaching out and get some support and help. I think you are incredibly strong and brave to have gotten this far. You deserve support and I hope you can see that. Is there anywhere else you can go to get help


----------



## Lonewolf

i don't want to rely on anything as im too worried its going to disappear aswell!!!


----------



## Retired

reeper,

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and my condolences on the loss of your partner last June.  



> Now i find myself discharged from mental health services and without any moral or demestic support and the groups i attended have now ceased



Are you scheduled for any follow up by a mental health professional, and have you been prescribed any medications to treat mood disorders or other mental health issues?



> i don't want to rely on anything as im too worried its going to disappear aswell!!!



While the reality of life here on Earth is that we humans are finite, which is why we must make the best of every moment we happen to be blessed with someone who means so much to us.  That reality should not preclude us from forming relationships, because without the company of other people, our lives would be meaningless.  

From what you have so courageously shared with us, we can understand your grief for your partner who was an important part of your life.  Those memories should always remain with you, but with the help and support of people you can reach out to, it is possible to lessen the pain of his loss, to allow you to carry on with your life.

Are you currently employed, a student or how do you support yourself?


----------



## Lonewolf

unfortunately i have a condition called 'hydrochephalus' which is basically 'water on the brain' which effects me alot, balance, bad short term memory, serious mood swings and more so im unable to work at the moment! 
As for anything to do with a mental health follow up, no!! if i have problems i have to see my GP!! 
Some people enjoy life!! Some people endure life!! To some people life is not a gift, its a punishment!! We do not ask to be born, it is thrust upon us!!
 i am on medication for anxiety, depression, psychotic episodes and a personality disorder.


----------



## Retired

*Re: planning!*



> Some people enjoy life!! Some people endure life!!



Life is what you make of it.  If your expectations are unrealistic for the abilities you have, then you will never achieve any success.

I have no doubt you have had severe challenges in your life, as most of us have had, but our responsibility as adult humans is to make the best of what we have been given.

Everyone is born with their own personal set of skills and abilities.  No two people are identical, so you cannot rate your own experience and potential compared to anyone else.

However, happiness and fulfillment in life comes from being the best you can be with the skills and abilities you have been given.  For some that might mean being the best street sweeper in town, or the best restaurant server in the establishment or the best astronaut in the fleet.

Each of us has abilities and each of us has shortcomings, and each of us has had struggles in our life.  By focusing on what we can accomplish rather than focusing on what we cannot makes the difference between enjoying life and enduring life, using your words.

You have an opportunity to pick up the pieces of your life, learn from the past and focus on how you can work to recover and take back control of your life.

Are you willing to make the effort?


----------



## Lonewolf

?? im afraid its not that simple!! If we could all think positively like that, everybody would be happy and content, never needing meds, Dr's or support! Its a nice thought but very unrealistic!! As for expectations-i have none-only leads to disappointment or jealousy!!

---------- Post Merged at 08:12 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:51 PM ----------

im so sorry!! i apologise!


----------



## forgetmenot

Hi  i jst wanted to say i could connect to some of what you have written
   I too in a way wish i did not say anything  life changed after i told
    I don 't understand how they can just dismiss you hun  take away the care that you have had

   It just does not seem right

.   Do you not have someone your doctor even who can fight to get you back some mental health workers

.   You say you have no expectations hun  perhaps just getting through each day is enough to deal with right now.

  Just try to find something in the day you can hold onto hun

   Even if it is just listening to some music you like   something small but something you would enjoy.

    Coming here talking to us
    I know you don't think you are a worth the fight hun but you are ok.

   You have been made to feel otherwise but it is not true.   You help me by just posting your story  i wish we both did not feel like we do but i know for certain  you are special hun even if you do not feel it you are  hugs


----------



## W00BY

Hi 

I think all that your are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal actually.

Your physical ailment alone is a massive burden upon your own mind and body.

The way you have been treated in the past is nothing to do with you.

You should have been looked after responsibly at that point by the adults whose job it was to provide this support. unfortunately this has not been the case leaving you with more and more baggage as you have got older.

As for your friend I understand why that loss would make you feel as you do especially when it is the only true close connection you have had... I lost a baby at birth and just wanted to be with him again for a long time but now looking back I am just glad he was part of my life at all.

You may never have known your friend at all which would have left you without an idea of what a proper relationship is... which in my mind is a much worse place to be.

I do not have contact with my entire family due to abuse as a child I am still a hushed conversation and a guilty secret to many of them and was affected for many years as you are.

I had a "plan" too, but, as your friend did for you, I met someone who treated me in a way I used to see others being treated but felt that I didn't deserve it, I wasn't worth it and felt all I had experienced to that point that was of a negative persuasion was "my fault". I also felt the jealousy, confusion and loneliness I even did the not open letters answer the door stuff.

My heart sunk every morning my eyes opened and I realized I was still breathing.

Your not alone.

There is help out there and you need to open up to be able to fix it.

It starts with the GP when I told my GP at 18 what had happened to me it still took me another 20 years to actually sit down and speak to someone about it and in all after this it took another three years to speak as I am to you now.

You don't have a choice over your family unfortunately your related to them.

You do though have a choice over everything else and that is where your hope lies, trusting people is not easy and everything after you have experienced what you have is a risk emotionally, but, you do have the power to steer things where you want them to go.

You clearly need support at the moment and I would encourage you to go and speak to your GP and if your not heard the first time go back, I would also consider specific support groups for any of the problems you have physical or emotional.

I hope this has been of help and I hope you know others out there not only have experienced similar things but have also ended up feeling as you do right now.

However you are NOT worthless or a waste of space, you are someone as I said with a set of issues that it is understandable why you feel as you do!

Go see your GP...


----------



## Lonewolf

Thanks guys!


----------



## Retired

Before considering suicide, consider this:

Translated from an interview (circa 2002) by one of my personal heroes, the late Dr. Jacques Voyer:



> As a psychiatrist, I've seen people whose son, father, mother or husband committed suicide, and atrocious effects suicide has on families. This is a dreadful situation! We can never overestimate the pain that results. I feel sorry for the person who commits suicide, but I have more regret for the survivors who are doomed for the rest of their lives wondering what happened; could they could have done more. Not only do they lose someone, but they wonder if it might have been their fault. They live with guilt and distress ...



Source: Le Dr Jacques Voyer
?loge ? la vie (A Eulogy to Life)
by Sylvie Poulin

To read why I was personally inspired with hope despite all adversity, by Dr. Voyer, please see this article:  Quadraplegic tragedy shapes a giving life

Dr. Voyer succumbed to injuries following a traffic accident April 18, 2005.

Steve


----------



## Lonewolf

I don't think you would appreciate my immediate response to that!! So i shall bite my tongue!! Thanks for the thought though, lol!!


----------



## Retired

Why so much bitterness and cynicism?   If you expect anyone here to support your suicide plan, it's not going to happen.  Life is too precious to throw away, so if you want to investigate your options for recovery, you would have to open your mind to receiving assistance, and not ridicule attempts to provide you with ways to move forward.


----------



## Lonewolf

:upset: i can't do this!! I can't let someone in just to rip out my heart, kick it around the room for a while and shove it back into my chest beaten and broken like so many other times in my life!! Im very angry, ok! Im not good with anger, but there you go!! Im going to crawl back under my rock now!! The problem is that you guys can see a future whereas it seems nearly impossible for me! Doesn't matter how i try, im just so terrified! Since i was in care i have had some kind of support and now its all over and ive no where to turn!! I can't do it!! I've tried to. Maybe its not a good idea to talk to you guys about this anymore cos i just find the hostility difficult to handle right now!! im sorry, ive been an idiot! Thinking about it, its not really something we should talk about! :distrust:


----------



## David Baxter PhD

What hostility?


----------



## lauralee31

*Re: Planning!*

Life is hard Im finding it difficult everyday to get outta bill and have the will to live. I have no will to live..... my life is horrible everyone thinks im crazy (which is untrue)   hang in there....all we need is support and that i dont have... my best friend abandoned me when i needed her most so now i havce barely anyone to talk to.
Hope you dont kill yourself


----------



## MHealthJo

Hey Reeper! You have done so well talking more about your experiences and feelings.

It can be hard for others to know the exact right way to support someone else of course, at each moment in time. And the walls we have got around ourselves can take many different forms and shapes...the emotions that come along with it can be so difficult to feel... Same with  the emotions that may at first come with our  positive steps that we try  taking, in great trepidation.

 It can be so hard to get feedback or impressions from others, at such a difficult time. It can be so difficult for other humans to really "get" the enormity of  beginning to reach out, how that may differ for each person, how scary it is, and the terribly raw emotions it can bring out.

However, many people here do have an understanding of these things, to different degrees. And different perspectives that can eventually be very useful. So I am so, so proud of you for getting into the situation where you can talk to us here. - even though some parts of that can be difficult! So good on you. 

 And the difficult feelings you get when something here may not be quite what you expected or wanted - it is okay to have those feelings. People can then try to get an idea of what is happening within you... it could all help us to communicate together and share what is going on and learn and grow... 

People may have impressions of how you are feeling or reacting etc, and they may be wrong or they may be correct - or often, somewhere in between. The same goes for all of us interacting here. That part is very difficult isn't it. Dealing with the feelings that come up, having people express what they feel is happening, dealing with impressions we get or that we think we are giving.

Just remember that every human is different. So the worrying, fearful, shameful thoughts that you have, about what others are thinking towards you, cannot apply to everyone the same.  Those thoughts may often be very huge and overwhelming, when we are in such a difficult time.

 Those thoughts are hard. But they may not reflect the truth, honey. The truth is complex, and may not be so terrible as those awful thoughts we are having. Hard to think that way. But let that 'not so bad' possibility sit at the back of your mind, if you can.

Those 'horriblest' thoughts... bad thoughts about yourself, scary thoughts about others....let them happen, let them pass by.... Just thoughts, that is all they are....
 Or use emotion words to describe how you have felt or thought about something. That's okay and that is not wrong. Let us know if you feel you have been misunderstood. That can create growth and learning. And can create proof and evidence AGAINST the most negative, awfullest thoughts......

 Lots of different people are in this forum. Please remember some may give their thoughts and express feelings but everyone will never think or feel the exact same way or have the same impression of what goes on.

I am proud of you for so far sticking with us and tolerating the challenges of reaching out. It is not easy, and our thinking patterns and emotional patterns cannot make a quantum leap in a day. You have taken some beginning steps and that is excellent hun. xox


----------



## forgetmenot

Hope you have reached out hun found some more support for you   Be it your own doctor or community help   teacher someone ok.   I understand your fear i do the lack of trust in professionals i get that  but not all of them are like you say hun.  If you find the right one  that person can make the world of difference to your healing.  Don't give up ok  don't let them win  you keep fighting   Talk to you doctor and get him or her to advocate more help for you  hugs


----------



## Lonewolf

I'm sending out the biggest apologies to everyone here!! I'm so, so sorry for everything i've said recently! There's so much that is petrifying me, i don't know how else to cope with it! I know that telling people that im going to do myself in is not the best way of asking for help, but i have seriously thought about it, on and off for a long time! I know the impact suicide has on others as it has occurred in my life a few times, although impact is not what i think about initially and that is a selfish thing to do!! I have to admit that when i think about this stuff, 1) its so that i can have a little control of my life/death and 2)It's to make other people realise how crap things really are! 3) I don't like to admit but i need people that have caused me pain/grief in the past, to feel a little guilt for what has happened to me in the past and in the presant!! Its not revenge, i promise! It's more that i want recognition!! I try to be strong, only im not strong really because all i crave for the most in my life is to have a hug with my mum! I still miss her as if im still a child, i crave her love, her attention!! I know this will never happen and it hurts deep into the core of my body and unfortunately it comes out in anger against myself, its easier to live with (for me)!! I'm sorry for any angst i may have caused!! I guess im not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, i can relay to people know how it makes me want to react!! Its not good, but its how i am!! eek:


----------



## Retired

Reeper,

The best way to get your revenge on the people who have caused your distress is to go on living, and to make a success of your life.  That way you will show them they were all wrong about you and by doing this, you will have the satisfaction of looking them in the eye and showing them you are not the person they made you out to be.

You would demonstrate your superiority of mind to them, and you can feel the glee of satisfaction.

By committing suicide, you might just prove to them they were right in their ill conceived idea about you.

The worst you can do is to allow the opinion of others to control your life and your destiny, and worst of all, to allow the worthless opinions of others result in your suicide. 

The best you can do for yourself would be to get professional medical help and take back control of your life.  Your reason to live should be to take control of your life and achieve the self satisfaction of your achievement.

No need to apologize, because we are here to provide non judgmental support. The only thing we ask is that you be respectful of efforts of our members who are trying to help you.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe and to contact your doctor for another followup to receive treatment for your ongoing distress>


----------



## Lonewolf

I will try to!!! I don't usually make promises lol, but i will try!! Thankyou!!


----------



## MHealthJo

So happy to hear it!!


----------



## Lonewolf

Hi! Things haven't really improved much, but ive taken the plunge and have made a doctors appointment! Im in the state where im feeling unwell if i do take these strange tablets and equally, if not worse, when i don't! i've got myself into this mess because im not strong and stuff really gets to me and it shouldn't!! I am so nervous of my gp, I don't know why? I will go!! mg:


----------



## forgetmenot

So proud of you hun making an appt to talk to your doctor   Make sure you write down how you have been feeling your moods anxiety fears  your thoughts ok 

 Writing it down all you want to say so you dont' forget to say something when you are there.   Let us know how your meeting goes


----------



## Retired

thereeper said:
			
		

> I am so nervous of my gp, I don't know why?



Very happy to hear about your decision to see your doctor!

I think the key to a successful and satisfying doctor visit is preparation.  By knowing what you want to discuss and the questions to ask can relieve a considerable amount of stress.

Your doctor should not be judging you, but should be interested in knowing all your symptoms in order to make an accurate diagnosis.

Remember your doctor has likely heard it all before, so there is little you might tell your doctor s/he has not heard.

Please visit this site for help in preparing for your visit:

The Partnership for Healthcare Excellence

and use the attached  sheet for preparation.

Also, have a look at this Mayo Clinic article:

Suicide and suicidal thoughts - MayoClinic.com


----------



## Lonewolf

I did it, completely embarressed myself, but i did it!!


----------



## forgetmenot

Don't worry hun  your doctor would never ever judge you  so you don't do that ok   It is ok to let our guard down around our doctor  that way the doc  can see the real us and how we are coping  hugs


----------



## Retired

thereeper said:
			
		

> completely embarrassed myself



Perhaps less than you might have imagined.  Was anything said to make you feel embarassed?

If you would care to share what happened, we could help you analyze the events, to help you learn and possibly modify your approach with your doctor the next time.


----------



## MHealthJo

Excellent, Reeper, excellent work! Amazing amazing!!

Yes, please feel very free to share the struggle you had or carry on talking to us, as you try to navigate the challenges of getting the care and better health that you deserve....

Proud proud proud!!  xox


----------



## Lonewolf

I wanted to remain composed during the appointment as breaking down in front of people usually makes me feel vulnerable and i clam up, not able to talk about personal problems after that happens to me, it's an automatic thing that i don't feel i have much control over! As soon as she asked me how she could help me, i cracked!! I cried! It was not my plan to do so, at all, i was annoyed with myself for blabbing!

To my surprise she seemed to empathise! I thought she was going to be mad as hell at me for taking these pills, i was totally astonished when she actually asked me why and how, generally interested in what i was telling her!

She told me to lower the dose of those tablets and not to just stop them! We agreed that i would go in to see her once a fortnight! I am very nervous about it, but i am also relieved! I have also agreed to hand in the rest of the pills! The Dr suggested i wrote a mood diary and also to try and not react to my strong impulsive behaviours, (i worry about this part because impulsiveness is so damn difficult to fight against, otherwise it wouldn't be impulsive?)write it all down and she will discuss it with me! I also need to be a bit more rational and work through the 'pro's and 'con's' of my reactions and actions!! Its all a bit difficult to think about right now and I'm very anxious that I'm going to mess it up, but at least I've made a step in the right direction!! I don't know how I'm going to keep composure and this is my main concern!


----------



## MHealthJo

Oh hun I am so pleased with how you did, and with the fact that by reaching out and being vulnerable with someone trustworthy like a doctor you have chosen, you got the supportive, helpful response you deserve! You took a difficult but positive, very significant action of control in your health and wellbeing. What an amazing thing you have done!

You did an excellent job, did not mess anything up, and have nothing to be embarrassed about!

Did you know that it is not wrong or negative or something to be ashamed of, to feel emotions or feel weak or vulnerable? Showing our emotions and struggle to our doctors and health carers - that is exactly what we must do. That way, they can see the emotions, see what is happening, and make actions to work with us. You got just what you need to get from a healthcare provider. So proud of your success!!

The plan for you sounds excellent!! Please be very, very, VERY patient, caring, understanding to yourself. 

The only way you can "mess up" your healthcare is if you stop seeing your health supporters and providers, to stop getting your health care.

The rest is just all part of the journey.... and you are on that journey! And we are real proud!! 

Wonder if you could do something nice for yourself, like a hot bath with nice smelling oils, or a new nice shower gel for you, or download some music you would enjoy, or anything to celebrate what you have done? Let us know if you think of a nice little idea, we'd love to hear about it..............  

Either way.... Big Yay!   xox


----------



## Lonewolf

Im going to have a DVD night! get my duvet on to the sofa, a hot drink and a big teddy to hug. I love watching films, my favourite one is 'ghost' with patrick swayze and demmi moore!! It's a good one to have a weepy to!! Im a softy really! (not that i like to show it!)


----------



## MHealthJo

That sounds excellent! Hmm, I'm feeling a bit due for one of those myself, actually... Think I'll spend some hours the same way tomorrow... So while you have yours, you may consider me to be sharing your little celebration with you... (if you'd like that  ) Mm, a nice hot drink too, you've got the right idea. I have a French style creamy-tasting coffee mix that'd go down nicely with it....

So I'll think of ya when I watch mine and send you a wish of enjoyment - you deserve it mate.


----------



## Retired

> I don't know how I'm going to keep composure and this is my main concern!



Here's the way I look at it:

It sounds like you have a compassionate and understanding physician caring for you, who is interested in helping you.

Based on what you have shared, it sounds like you might have a lot of pent up feelings inside that weigh heavily on your mind and emotions.

Your doctor's job is to help you find ways of dealing with your demons, but in order to fully understand your issues, you will need to express them to your doctor.

Obviously these are painful issues, and I'm sure your doctor fully understands your pain, so to express these issues with deep emotion, which might include a complete emotional release would not surprise your doctor, but the payoff to you might well be a lessening of the pain you feel.

Getting the demons out into the open usually shows us those demons are not as big and foreboding as we previously thought.  Your doctor would then be able to offer you strategies that might help you come to terms with those very issues.

You must be pleased with the wonderful progress you have made in taking back control of your life.


----------



## Lonewolf

just AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! this is so difficult!! Im struggling with this!! I sincerely hope im not expected to completely change my behaviours in a few days! Doing my hardest, but i don't think im as capable as initially thought!! sorry to disappoint! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! Am preoccupied!! Managed not to react at the moment, but urges are getting very strong!! I apologise perfusely now as i can't promise anything today!! Im trying....!mg:


----------



## forgetmenot

> I sincerely hope im not expected to completely change my behaviours in a few days!



HUn no one will expect you to do this  it takes months  years sometimes ok to fully heal   You will take small steps hun at first ok and you have already started taking those steps   Try not to let everything overwhelm you   just take each hour and get through it ok  then you will take each day and get through it  and so on.  Noone expects you to heal overnight hun it takes time  some more time then others   I have been in therapy awhile now hun  Right now you feel anxious and afraid  make sure you communicate that to your doctor ok


----------



## MHealthJo

No hun, definitey, definitely what Forgetmenot said. Problems are complex, and definitely some more than others. You have a longer road ahead of you than looking after a broken bone, or applying medicine to something on your body.... thats for sure. It would be totally unreasonable to expect  much changes quickly! 

You should still be congratulating yourself for reaching out to this forum, sticking with us when it presented a challenge and discomfort, and getting to the doctor. One step at a time. You don't start a fitness program by running 100m sprints, one after another after another.......  

We just need to keep talking to our health care providers; and gradually introduce those little new behaviours.... like seeing the doc - which you've done!

In time, positive behaviours will replace the ones we don't want anymore.... and will get easier.... in time. We're talking a a LOT  of time! NOT quickly. We're talking thinking about it, learning about it, then trying things when we're ready... some failures, some successes, setbacks.... but overall, the better life that comes from trying to help ourselves - more benefits as time passes by, and as we gradually learn more.

Please be very, very patient with yourself, okay.   xx


----------



## Lonewolf

Thanks! Today is not a good day, but i hear you!! :subdued:


----------



## Retired

There will be good days and bad days, and the goal is to eventually have more good days than bad days.  Recovery might seem slow at times, punctuated by occasional setbacks, but ultimately, by following the doctor's recommendations and using the support system you have established, including, we hope, your friends here on Psychlinks, you might regain more control over your life.

Cherish every good day, and immerse yourself in the feelings you experience, to be able to draw on the memory of those feelings during the occasional bad days.


----------



## Lonewolf

Im falling down, through a very deep, dark hole and im trying so hard to cling on!! Got a nasty letter today and its knocked me sideways!! Also last lot of those pills arrived yesturday and they are playing on my mind!! Im feeling very vulnerable!! I apologise for being so pathetic! Its very lonely where i am right now!!


----------



## forgetmenot

hi hun  you are not alone ok   i hear you     What nasty letter did you get hun   Can you reach out to someone near y ou hun   phone your therapist or doctor to get some help. 
The pills hun  put them away ok so they don't play on your mind   You keep talking to us     hugs


----------



## MHealthJo

Thinking of you Reeper! We are with you during every difficult time....

Do not blame yourself or feel you are pathetic during any hard time. Just be patient and kind to yourself.......

Reach out to whatever tools or support structures you have, at any time.... we are always here...

Talk about anything you want to.....

Wondering also, did your doctor refer you to any type of counselling, therapist, psychologist, or support service you can phone, at times when you feel more vulnerable?

We would love to help you build up your toolbox. It feels much better to have lots of good tools and supports in our toolbox.

Let us know if we can support you,  or help you seek out more tools or support services ....?


----------

