# Need advice:  I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic



## fancy792 (Mar 1, 2006)

I?ve been in this for 2 ? yr, last night I?ve put my foot down in regards to not accepting to live in and suffering because of his drinking. 

1. Is it possible to quite cold turkey?
True or false; he?s telling me he can?t because he been drinking since he was 12 and he?s 30 right now.

2. How can I stay firm and not due like before give in? Any advice?

I can?t pay my bills, it affecting me because he loses control and doesn?t come home, get in late; he?s on a cycle and empty promises. I feel that I?m setting him up or asking too much that he will not be able to do it but I don?t want to give in. I wrote on here last year in May about relationship and well I'm still in the same or close too the same situation.

Advice or opinion or references please!


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## foghlaim (Mar 1, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic*

Hi, i think u would benefit by going to an Al-Anon meeting.. if i remember correctly it's where the partners, wives, husbands ect of alcoholics can get support. I was married to an alcoholic and i'm afraid what i learned then is still true today.. 

 No amount of pressure you put or not put on a person to give up drink works. You cannot change him, He must want to give it up, and from himself, for himself. Age doesn't descriminate when someone wants to give up drinking. How long they have been drinking for doesn't matter. A.A(alcoholics anonymous) is a group he could try if he wants to give up drinking. 

But YOU can get help for yourself in how to cope in your situation from ppl who are experiencing similar.   Ask your doctor if there is a group ( Al-Anon) near you, or maybe they are listed in the phone book. You have nothing to lose by going to one and talking to someone there. (in my opinion)

Don't know if this helps but also remember YOU are not responsible for his drinking, the cause of his drinking... (he may have told you, you were, you're NOT!) 

You are responsible for your own actions not his. 


I hope you find help in dealing\coping with your situation, you do not have to do this on your own, there are ppl out there and here. Maybe the others here can suggest other ways..


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 1, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic*

I was thinking al-anon too. Also agree that you can't change someone. 

Here's their website:

Al-Anon Family Groups

Here is where you can find meetings in your area or if there aren't any there is a phone number to call:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html



> don't know if this helps but also remember YOU are not responsible for his drinking, the cause of his drinking... (he may have told you, you were, you're NOT!)



True.?


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 1, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic*



> 1. Is it possible to quite cold turkey?
> True or false; he?s telling me he can?t because he been drinking since he was 12 and he?s 30 right now.



Ultimately, the ONLY way to quit is really cold turkey. The biggest hurdle is wanting to do it and/or getting to the point where one recognizes that it is necessary. It may be difficult for him to do on his own - that's true - but he can use AA and/or addictions counseling, both available in pretty much any sizeable town in North America, to assist him.

On the other hand, if he isn't ready to do it for himself, it may be overly optimistic to believe that he will be successful in doing it for you...



> 2. How can I stay firm and not due like before give in? Any advice?
> 
> I can?t pay my bills, it affecting me because he loses control and doesn?t come home, get in late; he?s on a cycle and empty promises. I feel that I?m setting him up or asking too much that he will not be able to do it but I don?t want to give in. I wrote on here last year in May about relationship and well I'm still in the same or close too the same situation.



As suggested, Al-Anon for you is probably a good idea.


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## fancy792 (Mar 2, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic*

Thank you all for your reply! I will take a look at al-anon. 

I really want to know that I've look into all possibilities before making a decisions. One thing I know is I can't accept the drinking anymore. Yesterday he had a few beers in front of me and I got totally upset, angry and I know I can't live like that. Not certain why my change and so drastic but I don't feel comfortable anymore. 

I have a big heart and I can take a lot but the last pains last weekend made me look at things differently.

Thanks again for all you information!


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## ThatLady (Mar 2, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic*

Good luck to you, Fancy. I think Al-Anon is a good idea for you, hon. I also think you've finally come to a decision that puts your own happiness foremost. That's a wonderful thing to hear. If you aren't happy, or don't feel safe in a relationship, that relationship has nowhere to go but down. If your partner doesn't understand that his drinking has to stop if he wants to hold onto someone who really cares about him, all the talking in the world isn't going to make him see it. For so many of the people who suffer from addiction, whether to drugs, alchohol, sex, or whatever, the only time they really seem to "get it" is when they find themselves totally alone.


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## fancy792 (Mar 11, 2006)

*Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic- part 2*

As I wrote earlier on this tread, I want to keep to my decisions.

Maybe someone was in a similar and can give me advice or someone would like to give me some. In the hopes this isn?t to long but I need to see things clearly and fairly. 

I?ve express how I?ve felt and what I cannot accept in my relationship and now it seems that I?m asking to much and I don?t compromises. I?ve pretty much give him providing for him (paid for him things that I cannot even do and the funny thing about it is I only realise it afterwards) the hold relationship, and paid more then I could?I?ve ruined my finances, my name and moved 4 times within the period I?ve been in this relationship(2 yrs and 8mths).

It even hard to have love feelings for him because of everything that happened during this time. Each time that I want or ask him to leave he finds ways to pull me into the relationship. I know that putting someone on the street lithely on the street is something that I have an extreme hard time with. I have a big heart but I know that I?m not helping myself to be in this. 

The booze is one of the financial burdens but also that he can?t keep a job. I even got him to work at my office, doing small task and he found reasons to quite. He got 2- 4 months job, 3 home painting contracts and one right when we started going out that I got for him, that?s lasted 2-3 weeks max. 

I?m hurting emotionally, drained of energy and financially in a situation very critical. My kids are attached to him because he?s more like a friend then anything else.

Last night what really got me twisted up was that we had plan a steak diner with the kids as well as movies at home. Well I finish work and he was at the restaurant/bar. This is where some of my friends hang out after works. I don?t drink and as well label ?Diet Pepsi?, they are all people that pretty much that own or manage business around the area where I work. Originally networking and doing business was really what our meeting were at the beginning, now we develop relationship.(for the last 8 yr). Going back to last night, he was there waiting for me, I got there and it was one beer after the other and naturally I?m talking to everyone and I didn?t keep a close tap on the tab. Well it came up to 46$ only in beer cause I get my pop free. It now 8:15, we left well, he now heard that one of his friends is playing music somewhere and he wants to go. I said no that one our promise to the kids and we can?t afforded it. We already spend 240$! He said well I also want you to come. We had an argument, and he still thinks that he compromise all week so he?s entitle to go. I?ve told him how important it was to me to be together and go with our original plans. Well I told him that I?ve been compromising for the last 2 and half yr that should be enough. Well I drove him there and I cried myself to sleep after the kids were in bed.

I really need to end this, it completely dysfunctional. I want to succeeds and get on with my life. Save my kids and my selves.


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## ThatLady (Mar 11, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic- part 2*

You're absolutely right. You DO have to end this, and you have to end it now. For the past 2 1/2 years, you've been trying to help this man get on his feet and on with his life. He has not chosen to use that help for the purpose for which it was intended. He's no better off now for what you've given, and you are infinitely worse off.

You would not be putting someone "out on the street". People make choices for themselves. They can do the things they need to do to live happy, productive lives. They can have homes, and transportation, and good food, and love, and families. Or, they can drink themselves into the gutter. It is not up to you to provide this man a place in which to indulge his drinking, nor is it up to you to provide him with the drinks and the food and shelter it takes to keep him comfortable. That's his responsibility. Therefore, as I see it, you're not putting him "out in the street". The street is what he's choosing for a home. He's been offered better, but he's not willing to do the work necessary to have better.

I hope what I've said makes sense to you, hon. You are responsible for yourself and your children. You are not responsible for this man. He must learn to be responsible for himself, and he'll never do so if you continue to make it unnecessary for him to do so. This relationship is bad for you and even worse for your children.


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## foghlaim (Mar 11, 2006)

*Re: Need Advice I'm in a relationship with an Alcoholic- part 2*

hi fancy,
i don't know if this will help you in trying to decide what you need\want to do.? 

 years ago, i threw my own son out.? his drinking was causing havoc in the house,? i didn't know what to do, because he was my son, "i can't throw him out", "i love him" "he'll think i hate him" "where will he go" and more all going thru my head..? (going on for months) at the same time seeing what he was doing to the other children in the house, fighting with them for no "real reason", the others fighting with me because of him.? ?I would be rung (at work) to come home because he had gone out of control again and terrorising them.? come home i would of course, can't have him there doing this... and all hell would break loose, but at least his attention was on me and not my other children.? ? i used to dread going to work for fear of what he might do.. "i hope he doesn't get drunk tonight"? even when not drunk, if he had no money, " he is at home now,, will the others be okay. he could start "war" drunk or sober.? ? Some nights, i would make sure i was in bed before he came in, to avoid him, (otherwise he had an audience and would start something).? i would be relieved that he was home safe, but at the same time dreading the fact that he was home drunk.? ? 
then one night i thought this is like liveing with his father,(an alcoholic).? i started looking in from outside the box.? and i saw the similarites in my own behaviour. i.e. the way i behaved with (his father) 
I was tiptoeing around him, trying not to upset him, accepting his apologies, ("i own't do it again") each time.? giving him money, buying his clothes, feeding him, at the same time while trying to work, keep the hse "going".? and making excuses for his behaviour, his drinking when the others questioned why am i letting him stay here. 
I took me? awhile to get to the that point tho ( of looking in from outside the box), and then? realising i had to put him out for ALL our sakes.? I felt that while i had a responsibility to him, i had a bigger one to the others, and myself at the time,, 


this is how i looked at? his actions.
He always had a * reason * for his drinking.? (right or wrong,? didn't matter to him, it was A reason)
he lived at home, sure mother feeds me, buys me me clothes.
mother will give me money.. if i make a case good enough,, i can persuade her.
mother won't throw me out, she loves me.
i can say i'm sorry.. and that'll sort her out, 
tell her i won't do it again, she'll believe me
it's the others who cause the arguements not me.. their fault not mine.

then i said to myself... *he has this all worked out*.? he doesn't need to change anything.. *why would\should he*.. *he has everything and everone where he wants them to be. * 
 i'd given him all the options, help, (you name i had tried it).? Now it's time He takes responsibility for his actions. 
I told him i wanted him out.. and some of the reasons, of course he tried to persuade me that he would change.. but i told him,? okay.. i will help u find other place to live.. ? IF in time *I* can see some changes in you.. then you might be able to come back here again.? so that is what i did.? I threw my son out.? 
 Today i might add, my relationship with my son is way better than when he lived here.? he realises and understands why i had to take the action i did.

i know this is very long... and may not help you in any way.. but i hope it does.
the situations are different, but i think the principal? \ point is the same.
And i don't know if this is right thing to say..? ?this man is not your son.? *he is an adult. He can and will take care of himself*? he is responsible for his own actions \ behaviour


You have a responsibility to you and the children...


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## fancy792 (Mar 12, 2006)

Thank you both! It means a lot! 

Notsure, I agree with you it very similar. In my situation he takes out come, good or bad. He never touched me or hit me but the play with words and the way he gets to his abusive, I realize that now. All the other times that I've ended, he get me back by arguing with mew till I can't think and exhausted, then he gets me with feelings, and the vicious circle starts again.

I see it but always after then I get mad with my selves because I wake up still in the relationship. I do have feelings of love but more of pity and feeling responsible. Well again this is close to you and your son situation. 

What I'm really needed is to do it and not get caught in his circle and that I really have no clue on how to do it?? 

I do know that I feed his habits. Now, I've put my foot down so he bored money else where except yesterday. I got to the groceries and on the Quebec side we have wine and beer in the groceries. He got it on the way out and I didn't say anything because I didn?t what to be embarrassed or have a scene. All last week and a bit before he did his income tax and with a bit of income he got 300 back. 

I'm tired of being played with and I don't want to allow it, how do You Break the path?  
I look at Al-noon, but it more for someone that wants to stay in the relationship, not to get out? I've look online. 

Here is a place that I find that you can get answers, example and feeling part of a group no matter the issues that someone has. Everyone share their life and people learn from them.


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## foghlaim (Mar 14, 2006)

> how do You Break the path?


i think you've already started Fancy. *s*? ?


> Everyone share their life and people learn from them


you said it yourself...

you are learning from others experiences.. and u are looking at your own. 
read over what you wrote here... what do u think you would say to anyone else in similar situation.


take care.


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## fancy792 (Mar 20, 2006)

You are completre right on this"what do u think you would say to anyone else in similar situation."

I know the answer to that one.....I just don't understand what is holding me back. 

For example for the last week I've been thinking about things and doing a complete review...I till have the same opinion and I know this ain't for me anymore. I just can't act on it and I get real in once more. I got an email from him with all nice things and then I get hopes...then I start reviewing and thinking.... and It like I'm running after my tail!

He's going away wed. it was plan but he has plan the money aspect. I'm angry because I haven't been able to take any time off for a few years. I've taken my vacation pay along the year to make ends meet. I'm stress, lost interest in a lot of thinks and depress which isn't who I am. 

This week has been the worst in regards to being at my lowest point of discouragement. I look inside and really hate what I become. Actually I feel I have the drinking problem without drinking......if that make any sences.

I really appreciate your feedback *Notsureanymore*

Thanks


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## foghlaim (Mar 21, 2006)

> .....I just don't understand what is holding me back





> Actually I feel I have the drinking problem without drinking......if that make any sences.


? if this sentence is saying what i think it does... i.e you feel you are "addicted" to the relationship or him.. then it makes perfect sense.? and ina way answers the 1st quote.



> I got an email from him with all nice things and then I get hopes.


it's emails, msgs etc like this that make us doubt what we really want\need. we question time and time again... like you are doing now.? (going round in circles..is what i used to call it)? ?If i can be blunt or maybe cruel here.. these msgs and emails are designed to cause this reaction, they play with our emotions. 

i think you're on a merrygoround and it's time to get off!.

would it help if i said you will survive without him.. I did.. at the time i didn't know how... (talking about my ex hub here ) it was very hard to break the emotional hold he had over me.. but the longer i was away from him the stronger i got against this.? You *can * do this too... 

apart from the financial side of things ect.. your health is now suffering.. you have given more than enough to this relationship.



> You DO have to end this, and you have to end it now


 i agree totally with Thatlady.


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## fancy792 (Mar 21, 2006)

Thanks for taking the time to reply Notsureanymore! I love when people are staight forward and honest nothing is ever too blunt for me. 

I feel I have the problems. The addiction is like he's addicted to the drinks and I'm addicted to make sure he's has everything.

In years, he was the first one that I felt listen to me or been there for me. My ex, we were 13 yrs together and when we decided it was over that was it. We sat down wrote everything , made all the arrangement and that was it. It was very easy! Right now I never had those feelings and never been out of control like that in my entire life.

I hear and see what you have wrote Notsureanymore and now it how and the confidence in myself to make the next moved. This is a big one for me, I feel he knows but he stays there.


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## foghlaim (Mar 25, 2006)

hi fancy just wondering how u doing?


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## fancy792 (Mar 26, 2006)

It all the same!

I'm woring on getting strong and work on my confidence. This way I'm strong and I won't get weak! He's gone till next wenesday. Thats should give me time to get stong. When you lose yourself in this type of relationship it hard to get out. It a visious circle and I know it has to stop.


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## ThatLady (Mar 26, 2006)

If he's gone until next Wednesday, you might try having all his belongings neatly packed and placed on the curb by Tuesday night. Get the locks changed on all your doors on Tuesday.


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## foghlaim (Mar 26, 2006)

*s*


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## fancy792 (Mar 27, 2006)

Thanks for your imput Thatlady! I need the "Strength". My decision is made. Now it the delivery......i feel bad to leave him on the street but if I give him 1 week to get his stuff ready and then get one way to be firm. The street thing right when he gets back I feel bad...putting someone on the street. I wouldn't do it to a animal. I want to change and get it over with. 

I so want to live. He has been away and my stress, back problems are gone. The stress is so large when he's there I never realise how deep it was. The minute he called last night, my back got tight and the middle stared to hurt. 

If only I could do it and not care it would be better. 

He's coming back tomorrow at midnight.....just thinking of it, the stress hits back.

Any advice!


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## ThatLady (Mar 28, 2006)

The only thing I can think of to tell you, hon, is to stick to your guns. It doesn't take a week for someone to move out of a house. I'd give him three days, at the most, and make it clear that I expect him to be gone for good at that time. The longer you draw this out, the harder it's going to be.

Of course, if it were me, he'd find his stuff on the curb. However, if that's not an option for you then don't extend the time any longer than you absolutely must. For every minute he remains in your house you run the risk of weakening and being right back where you started.

Good luck to you, hon, and remember...stick to your guns!


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## foghlaim (Mar 28, 2006)

> if it were me, he'd find his stuff on the curb.? For every minute he remains in your house you run the risk of weakening and being right back where you started..stick to your guns!!!!.



Fancy:? TL is right.. and i would say the same thing to you..? 
( i know it's not easy)

you *can * do this!

Have faith in yourself ok!! 
thinking of you.


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## fancy792 (Mar 29, 2006)

Just to give you an update! He didn't make the last connection between the train and the bus for here. I'm drained. He will be in this afternoon. I've spoke to the kids to prepare them and they said that they didn't want to be there. They want to be away for when I tell him. I'm happy that they are not giving me ahard time and they said" Mom we understand and will have more money to do things".

My kids are 12 and 9! Well both very mature as well. Life hasn't been easy!


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 29, 2006)

Keep taking deep breaths and keep reminding yourself why you made this decision, Fancy.


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## foghlaim (Mar 30, 2006)

> Mom we understand



well done for preparing the kids Fancy.. can't have been easy.. 
seeing the response they gave you makes me think that sometimes we under estimate how supportive our kids can be with a few words.? ? Now you know... that they know what you are doing is ok and the right thing to do.... take strength from that.


"out of the mouths of babes"? ?is a saying we have over here.. and i think it's pretty apt here.


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## fancy792 (Mar 30, 2006)

I'm planning for saturday! Found a place safe for the kids and I will join them after. I will engage the conversation I think in the afternoon. I made my decisions and I will stick to it. I have a friend that has been helping me and making me see clearly the situation. She spended time with me and share her painful memories. Her experiences helps so much.

Thank you so much "New Friend"


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## fancy792 (Apr 1, 2006)

Today is the day! I'm ready to tell him.

I'm very nervous and shaky, but I'm ready. I trully want this.

Tks for everyone that supported me and help me!

I will keep you all posted.


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 1, 2006)

I wish you all the best with this.


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## ThatLady (Apr 1, 2006)

Best of luck to you, sweetie. I know how hard this is, but you'll be so much happier when it's all behind you! Please, keep us posted.


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## fancy792 (Apr 2, 2006)

I did It :!

I've told him and he said "he knew it was coming". That he made some changes after his trip and made decisions to change his life. His concentration was to find work. Well I offered him 2 shifts of work and he took only the easy one and the shortness.(I'm a manager in a placement agency) This is another lie....He also said how comfortable he got and he took advantage of it and he was sorry...he wants to change that and again the same circle.....Then......

He started to cry and saying his life was over, that he loves me and he wants me to have the best. Then he turn and said that I had someone else that was the only reason and that he understand(God knows I will be single for a very long time). He asks me if I was and I've answered with a question so he determines that?s the reason. I left it there or else it wouldn't have taken too much time. I said no matter what you believe, It Over! 

Now he drove him to his brother and I left. Now that worked. Then I meet with my friends and stayed all night with them. 

Last night he called 4 times. Left messages and I've deleted them without listening. I know now it the hardest because he will try to contact and work his way back in. I will not accept that. 

Some of my stress is a bit better. My back pains have been reduce. I've slept well no dreams.
I'm more afraid now of what he may do or not. This is where before I gave in by pity and exhaustion. I will not talk to him this way his tricks won't work.

This is pretty much what happend! If anyone has advice , opinion, I'm open to it 100%

Tks again for the support I got from the board & my new friend!


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## foghlaim (Apr 2, 2006)

well done Fancy... Proud of you..

*s*

nsa.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 2, 2006)

> I'm more afraid now of what he may do or not.


Do you mean to you or to himself? or just in general?


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## ThatLady (Apr 2, 2006)

Huzzah, Fancy! You done done it, girl! Good for you! Now, all you have to do is exactly what you're doing. If he leaves a message on your phone, delete it without listening to it. If he shows up at your work, tell him you'll call the police to have him removed if he doesn't leave on his own. You've proven you can stand on your own two feet and meet him nose to nose. You're ever so much stronger than he is! You deserve to be very, very proud of what you've done!


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## fancy792 (Apr 3, 2006)

This is hard to get away....he's persistant. Keeps calling and trying to get in contact with me. How to get him to back off?


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## ThatLady (Apr 4, 2006)

Just continue to refuse to answer his calls. If you happen to pick up the phone and it's him, hang up. He's going to be persisitant, because he's gotten away with this kind of behavior before. However, if you just keep ignoring his very existance, he'll eventually give up.


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## fancy792 (Apr 9, 2006)

Just a quick message.....it been one week! This is a first! I'm proud and happy...time to work on me and find who I am!

He's now focusing on him and surviving, he leaves me alone more.


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## ThatLady (Apr 9, 2006)

Good for you, Fancy! It sounds like you're on your way!


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## foghlaim (Apr 9, 2006)

Brilliant.. Fancy...  way to go!! 

i'm delighted u feel so proud and happy.. u deserve to be.. 

*s*

nsa


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## fancy792 (May 1, 2006)

Well the pressure is still there. He's trying everything in the book. 

Talking about book :study:, someone recommanded "Self Matters" by Dr Phil.
I'm in the first chapter and it seems really good. I'm hoping to get stronger and get ahead. Anyone read it yet? and did it help you?


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## David Baxter PhD (May 2, 2006)

I hate Dr. Phil, personally, but I'm in favor of anything that helps you.


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## fancy792 (May 2, 2006)

Any other suggestion, books that would help with the same topics mentionned above?


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## Kanadiana (Aug 19, 2006)

Hi Fancy ... I know it's been a few months since the last post in here, but I just wanted to say how much I hope that this guy is leaving you alone now.

I left an alcoholic (commonlaw union, we were to be married) beginning of February because he continued to allow ithe booze to rule him, and therefore, me and my life and days, and so much more too. They don't stop until they're ready, and not one minute sooner. Life is way better on my own in charge of my life and decisions again, and I now have control over the monthly bills and the rent and all are paid on time ... so no chronic anxiety about evictions and such. (scarey)

Anyways, the good news is that expartner passed out/fainted/blacked out a couple of times recently which scared him deeply, and skipping over lots of details, end result, he's currently in a recovery program and very into it. He's "living there" for this part, and may be going home in a couple of weeks to face sobriety and temptations. I have high hopes, and no, I would never return to shared life with him. He's been drinking long and hard. Sad to say and in retrospect, I've never known him "sober" ... gee, I wonder what he's like unfogged and responsible? His "habit" started daily with wake-up hard liquor and continued throughout the day til sleep time FOR YEARS I LEARNED ... even to sneaking vodka in water at his desk at work, and liquid lunches. He's fortunate he's "union" and gets many work benefits as well ... including coverage for a recovery treatment program!!! Corporations do have their perks in the benefits, for sure. 

I'm happy he's begun recovery ... and even have hopes he'll succeed but expect to hear about many bumps and falls ... 

For him to continue succeeding at sobriety, I figure he would have to do a major lifestyle, attitudes and behaviors overhauls and changes because giving up the booze is only one part of the equation ... the other parts of the equation are the "reasons aka justifications" for drinking I figure. I don't see the reasons being gone for a long time yet. Its how he's always "coped" with life and people. 

My hope comes from knowing people can and do change majorly and it happens all the time. I hope it happens for my ex. That would be nice. I couldn't stay and wait for it to happen while my life was being trashed in the waiting and the environment he created. 

Get thee behind me and lets just be friends is about all I can and am willing to do from this point on. Sometimes get thee behind me is the only answer ... and it sounds like your guy may be one of those. I hope all is well for you in your situation with him.

K.


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