# How do I deal with this? [may trigger]



## SoSo (Apr 14, 2008)

I was a severely abused child physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally, verbally, etc.  They used camel whips, belts, golf clubs, anything they could to abuse me.  My father passed away 2 weeks ago so now I am left with all these unwanted emotions.  Last night I had a dream that made me want to end it all when I finally woke up from it.  He had inappropriately touched me, no girl over a certain age needs her father to come in and help her bathe, especially certain areas, but he did often, etc.  One day, he came home from work early.  My mother was still at work and my brother was off with friends.  He told me to go upstairs and get my clothes off.  I asked "why" and was told "do as you are told" so I did.  I sat on my bed with my housecoat on.  He went into the bathroom, came out with only a small towel wrapped around him.  He said he was going to show me how to protect myself and tried to take my housecoat off me.  I went hysterical and he tried to calm me down but finally left my room.  I would not come out nor did I speak to him for months.  I was terrified.  For years I wondered if perhaps I was wrong, was he really going to show me how to protect myself till I finally asked a doctor.  The doctor said what he did was wrong.  Last night I had a dream and it all happened in the dream, just like it happened when I was 15.  This time though I let him take my housecoat off, let him rape me because I thought that if I let him he would love me.  All my life all I ever wanted was for my parents to love me.  How sick am I to let him do that to me even in a dream just to have him say he loved me.  I woke up shaking and thought I would be sick.  I have felt sick all day, feel like I am a bad, dirty person for even dreaming that I let him touch me.  I have had problems all my life because of what he did to me as a child and I also blamed my mother because I figured she had to know and should have stopped him.  I just feel so darn confused and hate myself for giving into him in this dream.  I am afraid to sleep now, don't want to sleep.  I am just wondering if other survivors of childhood abuse go through this.  I just feel so dirty again, after all these years, he is still in control even in my dreams and I want it to all just go away.

Sorry, hope this doesn't upset anyone, just don't know what to do, feel like I am going to be sick.
:hide:Feisty


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## Mari (Apr 14, 2008)

*Re: How do I deal with this(may trigger)*

H! Feisty. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think your post will probably be edited. I am not going to talk about my past because that would also be edited. After my son died I was told some pretty horrific things that my son was exposed to but no-one seems to understand. There is no way that I can undo them because my son is dead. The people involved live near by and I have this terrible anger that I have no way to deal with. How do I take that control away from them? I can not undo the damage. I also wake up in the night, sick and shaking. I know this is probably not helpful to you but I just do not know what to do. My pain might be for a different reason but I do understand how awful it can be. Help me hang in there when I just want to give up. Keep on trying. :heart: Mari


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## ladylore (Apr 15, 2008)

*Re: How do I deal with this(may trigger)*

Feisty - you have been through a horrible ordeal. I know what its like to just get it all out, like you have tonight.

If you can't access a therapist are there crisis lines in the area so you can talk to a counsellor. It does sound like you need to talk with someone.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 15, 2008)

What happens in dreams is beyond your conscious control. It is your brain procesing information, thoughts, feelings, experiences. Dreams do not represent conscious desire or intent (or at least they do only rarely). This does not make you a sick person.


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## SoSo (Apr 15, 2008)

Thanks, called my sister, talked with her about it, she too went through some stuff, haven't been to bed all night, don't want to sleep.  I am going to see if I can go to emerg if I can't sleep tonight.  Just can't deal with this all over again, the feelings, just can't.
Feisty

Misha, sorry for your lose and pain, sad, so many of us, why???  I hope we all heal.
Feisty

Sorry, Mari, not Misha, so confused


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## Misha (Apr 15, 2008)

Fiesty,
I hope things are looking up for you.  Dreams can be horrific, so often it is things that are not actual memories that can haunt and effect us the most.  I have a lot of experience in that area.  Even in what's real, you've been through enough.  Know that we are here for you, that we care, that we do want to listen.  It's true that some things are triggering and hard to read, but you did what you needed to do by putting up a warning.  Just because something is uncomfortable doesn't mean its not good for you to write it, or for us to support you.  Your honesty, openness, and willingness to trust us here are strengths and will get you far in recovery.  
Misha


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## SoSo (Apr 15, 2008)

Thanks, trying to hang in.  Alice Walker, one of my favourite authors, Possessing The Secret Of Joy by her was one of the best books I ever read even though it was a very difficult subject to read about.  Something I couldn't read right now in my state of mind or lack there of, which ever applies.  

I called my doctor, going to do something I do not like, get some sleeping pills, just until I can get the necessary help, a therapist to deal with all this stuff that is slamming me in the face or in this case, dreams.
Feisty:hide:


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## Halo (Apr 15, 2008)

Feisty, I really think that getting something to help you sleep is a good idea.  I know that a lot of us don't like having to rely on taking medication but when things become at their worst it is time to take action and that is what you are doing.  When you become so worn down from not sleeping it really can play havoc with the rest of your body and mind but at least if you can get a good night's sleep it may help you deal with the rest of the things that you have on your plate.

Again....I think you are definitely making a smart choice :2thumbs:

Take care and I hope you get some much needed rest soon :zzz:
:hug: :hug:


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## Misha (Apr 15, 2008)

Fiesty, sleep is so important.  I'm glad you are doing what you can to get the help you need.  That takes so much courage.  Sleeping pills have been such a godsend to me at various times in my recovery.  Hope they work well for you!!


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## SoSo (Apr 17, 2008)

I finally slept after 3 days but again the dreams come to haunt me, just have to get a therapist as soon as I get back to Ontario.  I can't have this in my life anymore, I won't.  I am going to get better, I am going to get past this.  Right now, it seems like he is winning once again but it is up to me to somehow stop it.  I just have to get stronger, that way I can deal with it.  Sleep, it is important but it is the only place I cannot control what happens.
Feisty:hide:


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## ladylore (Apr 17, 2008)

Keep that determination Feisty, it will help you through. And its true - you will get through this. It will pass. You derserve much better. And you can do it.

:hug:
:thewave:


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## Halo (Apr 17, 2008)

Yes Feisty....keep that spirit and determination that you have.  You are a fighter and that will definitely get you through.  You will make it!!  You have made it through rough times before and you just need to hang on like you have then.  I have faith in you :hug: :hug:


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## Misha (Apr 17, 2008)

You are so strong, Fiesty.  And remember, we are behind you all the way.  Keep up the fight!!


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## SoSo (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks you all, really, just read the replies, makes me feel I do have a chance after all.  A few years back, I went through a very rough patch, started SI, got really bad.  Then I met a wonderful doctor who told me she would not keep me as a patient if I continued.  My first reaction, who gives you the right, my second, okay.  She made me promise not to do it again.  I started to once, told her about it, she looked hurt, really, it shocked me that she cared.  I never did it again and a year later, she died of cancer.  Anytime I have felt close to doing it, I remember how much faith she had in me that I could do it, I could get stronger and recover.  Now, you are all doing the same, giving me the courage, thank you.  Mind, I will not sleep tonight, just know it will be a bad night just from the feelings I have had today so would rather stay up, but, it is my CHOICE to do that.  I like that, my choice.  It is wonderful to have some form of control, know I need sleep desperately, but that will come.  First, peace of mind, then sleep, my choice.  I do have some control in my life, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am really going to use those 2 words a lot from now on, my choice, I like that a lot:goodjob:  I know I have a long way to go, but, the journey to peace of mind will be so worth it.
Feistyeek:


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## Into The Light (Apr 18, 2008)

feisty, you are really on to something there! a sense of control is so very important to have. without it we do spiral down into depression and hopelessness. so yes, keep reminding yourself, you have a choice!


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## Misha (Apr 18, 2008)

"My choice"... I like it.  
One thing I always say to myself is "do the next right thing".  It reminds me that I have control to make choices and that I can take things slowly... one decision at a time.


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## SoSo (Apr 18, 2008)

I made the choice, stayed up all night, had control.  Mind, feel like I am about to collapse but when I go so long like this without sleep, I do not dream, good!  I know it is not the best answer but for now it is an answer that works for me until I am moved and find a therapist.  I don't feel as hopeless or helpless now, still afraid but at least have some form of choice.  I also got very good news today that I do not have the MRSA which my father caught in the hospital in Ontario before he died.  I also learned I have to come up for $1500 for further scans for my cancer.  Does the fun ever end?  So, now, I crash:zzz:
thanks everyone
Feistyeek:


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## Halo (Apr 18, 2008)

Although its probably not the healthiest thing to be doing to your body, I understand why you are doing it and if it is working to keep the dreams away temporarily then use whatever works.

That is great news that you don't have MRSA :yahoo:  But terrible news that you have to come up with $1,500 for more scans for your cancer.  Are they not covered under OHIP?

I hope by now you are crashed and having a peaceful dreamless sleep :zzz:

Take care and stay strong 
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo (Apr 19, 2008)

No, in NS it is MSI not OHIP and they do not cover it.  I know it is important to get this scan as hurthle cell cancer is bad but right now, I just don't care.  I am just so worn out by dealing with all the issues my father left me to go through, just don't have the strength to deal right now.  I think once I get that behind me I will get back to my normal feisty self, right now, just need to find some way to get some peace of mind, then the health stuff will follow.  I love Nova Scotia but it is not the place to be if one has disabilities or cancer for sure.
Feistyeek:


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## Halo (Apr 19, 2008)

Is this something that OHIP would cover once you move back to Ontario? 

I can understand that you are trying to deal with a lot right now both emotionally and physically and that would be draining for anyone.  I really hope that you can get some of the issues surrounding your father resolved and like you say, then your health will follow.  

Take care and I am sure that your normal feisty self will be back 
:hug: :hug:


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## Misha (Apr 19, 2008)

:friends:  Thinking about you, Fiesty!!


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## SoSo (Apr 20, 2008)

I just finished reading some posts in the victims of crime.  I read Jane Doe No More, I cried, I cried because I realize that my fathers death has not just brought back the memories of what he did to me but the violent rape I went through many years ago that I never dealt with.  It is all bubbling up in me, making me feel sick.  I need to find out how to deal with all this, these emotions, just really don't want to, just want it all to go away, leave me alone, bury it.  I think I should call a crisis place, if they have any here, don't feel like I am going to make it.  Feel so weak, like such a failure, always letting everyone down, just can't seem to find peace no matter how hard I try, so tired.


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## ladylore (Apr 20, 2008)

Then please Feisty do call a crisis line - your worth it.


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## Halo (Apr 20, 2008)

Feisty...please do call a crisis line if you are in danger or if need be 911 is always available too.  Here is a link to some crisis numbers:

Suicide Resources

Here is another link that I and many others I believe have read over and over when having a really difficult time.

When you feel you can't go on

Please take care of yourself and do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself safe.  You are too important to lose :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo (Apr 21, 2008)

Thanks ladylore and Halo.  My sister came and took me to her house overnight.  I felt bad intruding as her husband is in the hospital in really bad shape.  She doesn't need extra problems but am glad she took me out of here.  I didn't sleep much but I made it through the night.  That link is really good, thank, will try.
Feisty:hide:


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## Misha (Apr 21, 2008)

Feisty, I'm glad you are able to be someplace safe.  Don't feel bad for imposing.... your sister is an adult and can say "no" if she needs to.  Your needs are important, and you deserve to be cared for.  
Hope today is going alright for you!


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## Halo (Apr 21, 2008)

Feisty, I am glad that you made it through the night with your sister's help.   Keep hanging on one day or moment at a time and it will get better :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## SoSo (Apr 26, 2008)

I spent the week at my sisters.  I realize that she has a lot of emotional 'stuff' to deal with also.  We were able to talk, laugh even.  I wish we had grown up in a 'normal' family environment but we didn't.  Now, I just have to try to put all the 'stuff' behind me but know I have to find a therapist and work through it before I can finally let it all go.  Thanks for all the support and advice, feeling a little stronger, not afraid to be alone now at least.
Feistyeek:


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## ladylore (Apr 26, 2008)

I am glad you were able to spend some time with your sister Feisty and that things are feeling a bit better for you.

Being able to talk about these things with someone else who was there to somehow makes things feel a bit more normal. As in you are not imagining things.

Take care


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## Halo (Apr 26, 2008)

Feisty,

I am glad to hear that you spent some time with your sister and that you are feeling a little stronger and not afraid to be alone.  That is great and I know that once you get back to Ontario and find yourself a therapist that you will deal with the issues that you need to.  Right now you just need to be as strong as you can and make it until the move.

Take care :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## Misha (Apr 26, 2008)

I'm glad you're doing better, Feisty.  Sisters are a wonderful support at times!


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## SoSo (Apr 28, 2008)

Thanks, been a rough 3 days since last Friday but I am hanging on or in or out, depending on my mood at the moment.  I have started working again, that is helping, a lot.  I did not get a single call, etc on my birthday from anyone I know, just went into a real dark place, made a happy face of meds I could or would not take, depending on my mood, cried till I was sick then...it was over.  I don't really understand what happened but it was over.  I sat here and wondered who the hell am I...what am I becoming and I didn't want to be there.  I just gave myself a hug, daft I know, then told myself it would be alright now...strange, do feel better now.  Maybe that is what I needed, to really have one big old cry and just let it all out then let go.  I just feel drained but not in that dark hole anymore, am glad to be out of that place.  I have had one good nights sleep last night where I did not dream of the dark things and today I have not had one moment where any of the dark things have come into my mind or bothered me.  Perhaps I am healing, hope so but still know it is an ongoing journey...will get to a therapist as soon as I can.  Thanks everyone for being so supportive and caring.
Feistyeek:


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 29, 2008)

I'm happy to hear that you're feeling a little better, Feisty. I think usually we put all our energies into not going into that dark place. But sometimes, letting go a bit shows us that we can go there and come back again safely.


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## Halo (Apr 29, 2008)

Feisty,

I too am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better   You have tremendous strength and courageous and you should be really proud of yourself :2thumbs:

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## Into The Light (Apr 29, 2008)

David Baxter said:


> But sometimes, letting go a bit shows us that we can go there and come back again safely.



i am glad to see this. something to keep in mind


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## SoSo (Apr 29, 2008)

Yes, me too, glad to know this, that the darkness is not all there is...that it will not be forever...that there is some form of light...saving grace if you will at the end of it all.  I still feel very fragile but not like I will shatter anymore.  I really honestly thought I was finally going to completely lose my mind...was so very scared...but I crawled out of my dark place...it was a very draining journey but now I am focusing a little better...getting dressed, even went out of the apt. and managed to do some chores today...small steps lead to long journeys in the right direction...I hope, gee, I hope, that is something...for me anyway!  He still tries to invade my space, my sleep but am fighting it with every wee bit of strength I have left because I made the choice this weekend not to ever be a victim again, so that means I have to fight the darkness and him, even if he is only in my head now.  I let go and I will not let him back in, my father is gone, banished.  I will keep fighting, have to as I don't want to get back into that dark hole again, ever.  Thanks all for letting me rant or whatever I needed to do to get back, feel safe.
Feistyeek:


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## Cat Dancer (Apr 29, 2008)

Glad you're feeling a little better. Keep taking those small steps and holding on. It is difficult not to let certain people keep harming us, even after they're gone, but somehow we have to be strong and hold on. 

Keep on fighting and we're here always when you need us.


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