# Crisis



## Enigma (Aug 15, 2005)

I know this site is very mature so I thought I would post my anxiety here, and again turn here for help, knowing that it will just help to even get it off my chest somewhat.  I read the article "Looking for Love: Understanding what you need", but I feel that I am too young to put it into practise, let alone make sense of it fully.  I turned 17 last month and I'm at the stage where I just need some freedom, and long for someone in my life.  I don't go out much, because I'm so busy with work - I don't get bored - I'm always doing something, even if it were reading a book for relaxation.  The problem is that I love two people.  I started having feelings for them at different times.  For the purpose of explanation, I will call these two people Alex and Adam.

I began talking to Alex two years ago, and we formed a really strong friendship.  We found that we had so much in common and got to the point where one could call us soul mates.  I grew to love him and I told him of my love, and he said that he loved me too.  I could really talk to him about anything, and trust him over it, but as I knew him for longer, I was telling him more than he was telling me, and it seemed like he could not talk to me about anything; like he was holding back.  One day we were talking and I asked him what he was doing over the weekend.  He was a bit reluctant to tell me in case he hurt me, but I found out he was going on a date.  I only wanted what’s best for him, so I told him to go out and enjoy himself.  Later he told me that he called off the date, as he didn’t want to lose me, and only said yes to the girl because of something she said that made him feel sorry for her.

Ever since then, I’ve been trying to talk normally to him, but he always seems distanced.  A few months ago, I asked him how he was keeping, and he turned around and said, “you don’t want to know” – that hurt me most of all.  I just asked out of kindness of caring for him, but it seemed like he thought I was being nosey or something.  Lately, we haven’t spoken much, but when we do, it’s just like the old times and it makes me happy.  At times, it’s as if he flirts with me.  Every time we talk, I feel myself falling for him again.  I told him I still had feelings for him, and he said the same thing, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not.

Now, this is where the problem starts.  At the beginning of the year, I met a boy, Adam.  We also share similar interests.  We gained each other’s trust and I’ve told him some of the things I told Alex, the things I could not share with any of my other friends.  We started to see each other more, and I fell in love with him.  I found it a great relief to know someone whom I didn’t have to explain myself to because he knows me, understands where I’m coming from without having to utter a word.  Another problem is that my mother has met Adam, and believes our backgrounds are different because of how he dresses.  Adam comes from a poor family, whereas Alex, from a slightly richer background.

I really don’t think background matters, as long as they have morals.  Both can make me happy and connect with me on a deeper level.  The thing is, is that Adam and I have got close – even kissed and held hands.  I didn’t do any of this with Alex, and I wish we had.  I am in love with Adam, but I still love Alex, and I don’t think I can commit myself properly to either of them, when the other is on my mind as well.

I haven’t spoken to Adam for nearly two days now because I’m so distraught by this situation but I know that I’ll have to speak to him soon and he can sense when something is not right.  He worries about me when I don’t get in contact with him, as I worry about him, but it’s been going through my mind so much that I’m panicking that I’ll lose both of them, and I never want that to happen.  I nearly lost Adam when he couldn’t cope with me putting myself down all the time; I nearly lost him again when I kept him secret from my parents.  I just don’t know what to do.

Please can someone give me some advice.  I know I should go with what my heart tells me, but at the moment, I love both, and I know it is wrong.  I just need any input.  Thank you.


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## Enigma (Aug 15, 2005)

I know this site is very mature so I thought I would post my anxiety here, and again turn here for help, knowing that it will just help to even get it off my chest somewhat.  I read the article "Looking for Love: Understanding what you need", but I feel that I am too young to put it into practise, let alone make sense of it fully.  I turned 17 last month and I'm at the stage where I just need some freedom, and long for someone in my life.  I don't go out much, because I'm so busy with work - I don't get bored - I'm always doing something, even if it were reading a book for relaxation.  The problem is that I love two people.  I started having feelings for them at different times.  For the purpose of explanation, I will call these two people Alex and Adam.

I began talking to Alex two years ago, and we formed a really strong friendship.  We found that we had so much in common and got to the point where one could call us soul mates.  I grew to love him and I told him of my love, and he said that he loved me too.  I could really talk to him about anything, and trust him over it, but as I knew him for longer, I was telling him more than he was telling me, and it seemed like he could not talk to me about anything; like he was holding back.  One day we were talking and I asked him what he was doing over the weekend.  He was a bit reluctant to tell me in case he hurt me, but I found out he was going on a date.  I only wanted what’s best for him, so I told him to go out and enjoy himself.  Later he told me that he called off the date, as he didn’t want to lose me, and only said yes to the girl because of something she said that made him feel sorry for her.

Ever since then, I’ve been trying to talk normally to him, but he always seems distanced.  A few months ago, I asked him how he was keeping, and he turned around and said, “you don’t want to know” – that hurt me most of all.  I just asked out of kindness of caring for him, but it seemed like he thought I was being nosey or something.  Lately, we haven’t spoken much, but when we do, it’s just like the old times and it makes me happy.  At times, it’s as if he flirts with me.  Every time we talk, I feel myself falling for him again.  I told him I still had feelings for him, and he said the same thing, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not.

Now, this is where the problem starts.  At the beginning of the year, I met a boy, Adam.  We also share similar interests.  We gained each other’s trust and I’ve told him some of the things I told Alex, the things I could not share with any of my other friends.  We started to see each other more, and I fell in love with him.  I found it a great relief to know someone whom I didn’t have to explain myself to because he knows me, understands where I’m coming from without having to utter a word.  Another problem is that my mother has met Adam, and believes our backgrounds are different because of how he dresses.  Adam comes from a poor family, whereas Alex, from a slightly richer background.

I really don’t think background matters, as long as they have morals.  Both can make me happy and connect with me on a deeper level.  The thing is, is that Adam and I have got close – even kissed and held hands.  I didn’t do any of this with Alex, and I wish we had.  I am in love with Adam, but I still love Alex, and I don’t think I can commit myself properly to either of them, when the other is on my mind as well.

I haven’t spoken to Adam for nearly two days now because I’m so distraught by this situation but I know that I’ll have to speak to him soon and he can sense when something is not right.  He worries about me when I don’t get in contact with him, as I worry about him, but it’s been going through my mind so much that I’m panicking that I’ll lose both of them, and I never want that to happen.  I nearly lost Adam when he couldn’t cope with me putting myself down all the time; I nearly lost him again when I kept him secret from my parents.  I just don’t know what to do.

Please can someone give me some advice.  I know I should go with what my heart tells me, but at the moment, I love both, and I know it is wrong.  I just need any input.  Thank you.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 15, 2005)

In an average lifetime, you will probably fall in love with and continue to love different people. When a relationship ends, or when you grow out of a relationship and start taking steps to move on, it isn't as if the feelings you had for that person never existed -- they are still there but evolving as you evolve into something a little bit different.

This is probably especially true of one's first love. It has been said many times that you never forget your first love and that the feelings you had at that time always have a special place in your heart. That doesn't mean you must stay frozen in time -- it just means you don't have to forget it ever happened.

I suspect that, whatever the reason(s), Alex has moved on. Adam is here and now. Although there appear to be some obstacles to overcome where Adam is concerned (e.g., your parents), I would suggest that you follow your heart with Adam and just accept that you are never going to be indifferent to Alex, no matter how much time goes by -- one has nothing (necessarily) to do with the other.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 15, 2005)

In an average lifetime, you will probably fall in love with and continue to love different people. When a relationship ends, or when you grow out of a relationship and start taking steps to move on, it isn't as if the feelings you had for that person never existed -- they are still there but evolving as you evolve into something a little bit different.

This is probably especially true of one's first love. It has been said many times that you never forget your first love and that the feelings you had at that time always have a special place in your heart. That doesn't mean you must stay frozen in time -- it just means you don't have to forget it ever happened.

I suspect that, whatever the reason(s), Alex has moved on. Adam is here and now. Although there appear to be some obstacles to overcome where Adam is concerned (e.g., your parents), I would suggest that you follow your heart with Adam and just accept that you are never going to be indifferent to Alex, no matter how much time goes by -- one has nothing (necessarily) to do with the other.


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## Enigma (Aug 16, 2005)

Thanks for your advice.

I thought I should stick with Adam as well, because I would have too much to piece back together with Alex.

Or maybe I shouldn't be committed at this point in time.


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## Enigma (Aug 16, 2005)

Thanks for your advice.

I thought I should stick with Adam as well, because I would have too much to piece back together with Alex.

Or maybe I shouldn't be committed at this point in time.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 16, 2005)

Yes. You can explore a relationship with Adam and see how it unfolds. You are not and probably shouldn't be making a lifetime commitement to him opr anyone else at this point.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 16, 2005)

Yes. You can explore a relationship with Adam and see how it unfolds. You are not and probably shouldn't be making a lifetime commitement to him opr anyone else at this point.


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## ThatLady (Aug 17, 2005)

You're a little young to think about lifetime committments, hon. However, I agree with Dr. Baxter. Adam is in the here and now. Alex, apparently, isn't interested in the same kind of relationship in which you seem to be interested. He sounds more like a dear friend than a romantic involvement. There's nothing wrong with that, if you can accept the relationship as a friendship, not a romantic involvement.


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## ThatLady (Aug 17, 2005)

You're a little young to think about lifetime committments, hon. However, I agree with Dr. Baxter. Adam is in the here and now. Alex, apparently, isn't interested in the same kind of relationship in which you seem to be interested. He sounds more like a dear friend than a romantic involvement. There's nothing wrong with that, if you can accept the relationship as a friendship, not a romantic involvement.


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