# The Fear of Losing My Wife



## Curious (Mar 26, 2016)

*This fear haunts me terribly, I love and adore my wife, but not her sickness's, Lymphoma, failing kidneys and back problems. I believe I do not want to be alone. We are each others care givers. How do I overcome this? Curious *


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## Retired (Mar 26, 2016)

*Re: The Fear of Losing My Wife.*

I don't know if you can "overcome" the fear of losing a loved one, but I would like to think we all have the mental and emotional resources to deal with loss and grief if and when the time comes.

Have you given consideration to the precise issues that cause the greatest concern?

Have you had a conversation with your wife about your concerns and fears?  

What about pro-active steps to prepare for eventualities?  Have you and your wife made living wills that explain your individual preferences in the event either of you becomes incapacitated and medical decisions need to be made about life support?  Have you each made your wills, given each other power of attorney so the estate can be processed without complication?  Have you each made clear what your end of life preferences are, so these matters can proceed without needing further consideration?  Have you discussed and made clear both your funeral preferences, perhaps even made arrangements?

End of life is a reality we all have to face, sadly enough, and each of us will grieve in our own way and at our own pace when it involves a loved one, but I feel, if proactive arrangements are made before end of life or incapacitation occur, those left behind are spared, at least some of the stress and uncertainty of settling the affairs of the incapacitated or departed individual.

We humans have amazing resilience to deal with problems when they occur, but we also have the ability to proactively mitigate many of those problems _before_ they occur as well.


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## MHealthJo (Mar 26, 2016)

*Re: The Fear of Losing My Wife.*

Yes, as as Steve has discussed, doing the working out in advance of what various living arrangements will be best after one of you is gone, will certainly set your mind more at ease. 

If you speak to the facilities or services for aged people in your area, and you find out what your situation will be if the time comes that you are still around when your wife is not, and if you can figure out that you will be okay and you know how you'll get by at that time.... as well as what to do or who to contact if you come to a time when you might need to make a change and live in a care facility if that would be better at some point... Yes, having plans and knowing what to do certainly sets our mind at ease more. 

To find out about those things and maybe talk to people who can help you, I wonder if this is the right department for you to contact:

NC DHHS: Aging and Adult Services

I guess it's good to know also that even if the time comes that your wife is gone, you will not be completely alone Curious... Perhaps this is a good time to check community noticeboards or ask around about groups in your area that cater to older people... like senior citizens? Ask around in your community and see if anyone can point you toward things like that...  As well as remembering that if that time comes you will not be all alone in the world. In your community, here at Psychlinks, or in other places you can find, there will be friendly faces, people to chat to, and people who can offer assistance, etc.


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## Retired (Mar 27, 2016)

...and tell her you love her every day and if and when she may be gone ahead of you, you won't have any regrets about having missed one day to have told her you loved her.  Make the best of today, every day.

Might be good advice for any of us, as no one knows what tomorrow might bring.


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## Curious (Mar 29, 2016)

I understand and will talk to her about it. I see and sense in her face her resolve that she might die, because of all the pain suffering and operations she had has. Fear alone of living by myself is haunting me as well. Paul


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## Retired (Mar 29, 2016)

If you feel you are unable to live independently by yourself, then you need to look into what options are available for assisted living in the area of your choice.

People in similar situations, often use the opportunity to relocate to an area that suits their needs better after the loss of their partner...perhaps closer to medical facilities, closer to family, away from family, back to one's roots...based on their financial situation.

Is the reason you feel you can't live alone because of being without your dear wife, or because you don't have the ability to manage a house on your own?

How are you with house work now...cooking, cleaning, maintenance, financial management, driving a car?


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## Curious (Mar 30, 2016)

*Why do I allow my emotions to rule over me?Is it possible to love someone so much that you push your emotions almost to the mental braking point of losing your mind?* Isn't that true mental problems? Where is the logic of mental health, but to a point? I take my medicine when these spells hit me and feel better, but how can a person live on the edge of mental abuse caused by there emotions? Something is wrong there. Curious


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## MHealthJo (Mar 30, 2016)

Everyone is different, Curious. You are not alone - there are lots of people just like you.

Lots of people have extra extra strong emotions. 

It is not your fault, or something you are doing wrong. It is just a part of your individual physical and mental workings.

It is so hard to experience it. That is true.

Try this Curious:

Through the day, now and then say this to yourself:

"Big changes in life are scary, and life is hard. So it is understandable for me to have a lot of emotions.

But I will get support and I will be OK."

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Keep saying this to yourself a few times through the day, Curious. OK?


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## Retired (Mar 30, 2016)

You may find the following article informative

The key points made in the article:  Fear of Losing Someone You Love | Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog - HealthyPlace



> Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.
> 
> Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)
> 
> There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.



You may find further insights by reading the entire article.

Life is fragile, and any of us can have a unexpected accident or illness that could cut our life short.

If you have concerns about the frailty of your wife's health, especially if she would be unable to manage on her own if you were suddenly out of the picture, this might be a good time to make the proper arrangements by ensuring your will(s) are up to date, providing detailed instructions and making provisions for each other's continuing care.  

Do each of you have "living wills"?  

Attached to this post are two examples of living wills relevant to North Carolina.  Check with your legal / financial advisor(s) for more information.


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