# l am full of panic and anxiety over estrangement



## Michelle M (May 3, 2018)

l really don't know where to post this,  so l will write here.  l have started having severe anxiety and panic attacks.  l know it was the Easter Holiday but l have no clue why l am so full of attacks again.

l feel like l have a weight on my chest all the time.  l was at the Dr. last week and l told her about contacting my daughter after 4 yrs of estrangement only to be told l was not going to be any part of her or my grandchildren's lives and then blocked on Facebook again. The Dr. had told me my blood pressure was very good and to make me see this as l take it as my closure as sad and disappointed as it felt to me.  l have not seen my grandchildren in person and also have not seen my 2 children.

Firstly,  l can't understand still, after 15 yrs.,  why it was my husband who was abusive,  cheated on me, blowing our family apart and l end up being the hated parent and have to live with this fact every single day of my life.

2ndly,  l cannot wrap the fact that the children who meant so very much to me,  like so many other children called "The Millennials" have and keep an estrangement from any parent/s that is happening at an alarming rate....  l am not talking about abused children, but the fact children can just have throw away their parents/siblings so easy..

l was born in the 60's and was taught to be very respectful of parents, deserved or not, respect for our elders, teachers and other parents..  l do not have an easy time with my Mother and she can still make me feel badly,  but she is 85 yrs old and she is my Mother.  We have never had an easy mother/daughter relationship but l do try to include her in my life as she does with me.  No matter if l agreed with her parenting skills or not, l understand she did the best under her situation at the time.  l was always there on Holidays and special events...  l just cannot wrap my head around the fact, my children can shut me out of their lives..

They told me l was a good Mother, years ago and then instead of talking to me about any problems they had with me,  l was just shut out one day and my Daughter said l was a stranger to me now... l honestly cannot believe their sudden, abrupt disappearance from my life... Now l am alone and l just go day to day,  coming to realization, l am not welcome their lives.  l have seen this happen to other parents and when did human beings become so easily disposable in this society.

lt is coming to grips with this fact that has been so hard for me..


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## forgetmenot (May 3, 2018)

*Re: l am full of Panic and anxity over Estrangement*

I can understand the anxiety the heartbreak i can and i am sorry you are in so much emotional pain.  It seems the ones we love do hurt the most.

  I will never understand how one can walk away from family from children etc.  I do hope that you can someday be reconnected or even when your grandchildren get older they will reach out to you.


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## David Baxter PhD (May 3, 2018)

Things happen in life that are unfair and difficult to understand. Not just to you but to many of us.

We can't control that.

But we can have some control over how we react to it.

Ruminating about the past is not productive, not helpful. The outcome of doing that is more grief and unhappiness. In a way, it is giving up all of the remaining control you have in your life and allowing the past - and the people who hurt you - to control your life instead.

You may never understand why this has happened to you or why people have said and done what they have. That's something we just have to accept sometimes.

You do not have to let them continue to hurt you overn and over, though.

Start with the panic and anxiety first, because that is just winding you up and fueling more negative thoughts. 

Do you have medications to help you with this? Use them.

Do you have self-soothing techniques you can use when your anxiety is high? Use them.

Have you been taught how to use cognitive reframing (cognitive behavior therapy or CBT)? If not, ask your doctors about this.

You can learn how to improve the quality of your life. But it's never going to happen if you give up the control you have to bad memories and people from your past.


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## Daniel (May 3, 2018)

> l just cannot wrap my head around the fact, my children can shut me out of their lives..



Over the years, I have told my therapists that even if I had a PhD, I could never understand my daughter-in-law's selfish behavior.  One therapist told me sometimes you can't explain irrational behavior.


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## Michelle M (May 3, 2018)

Thanks for all the replies and ideas.  l did have Therapy and it was Behavioural and Cognative words.  6 yrs worth and l do use what l learned to see what l do have in my life,  unfortunately,  this is a worse case scenario and l have been having trying to live with the here and now... l am blessed to have all the necessities in life.
l understand l may never know why and there are alot of people who are much worse off then l am but l do also understand hanging on to toxic relationships and the damage it does to a person.


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## GaryQ (May 4, 2018)

Michelle, you know that, like you, my kids (along with all my parents and sister) want nothing to do with me and I've only seen one of my (at least 4 that I'm aware of) grandchildren many years ago now. So you know I understand and know how you are feeling and what you are going through. Personally when I finally let go of trying to understand why things were as they were I was able to slowly learn to simply accept that which I have no control over and simply left them in God's hands for there is nothing I can do but leave the door open without any expectations whatsoever. 

It's not easy, still to this day it's hard, especially when I read stories like yours and others that go though the same thing as us but it's the only way to move forward without carrying all this pain and burden trying to understand why.

There is some peace to be found in simply accepting and not being trapped in trying to understand why. I feel that only then can the healing process begin.

The light is always on here when things are hard to carry.

Gary


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## forgetmenot (May 4, 2018)

Hi Michelle Hope today you can get out and be with friends and just do something kind for YOU  even if it is just going out and getting a coffee or some of your favorite foods.   Just know we care ok and we are here.  Take care.


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## Retired (May 4, 2018)

David Baxter said:


> Have you been taught how to use *cognitive reframing* (cognitive behavior therapy or CBT)? If not, ask your doctors about this.



_Cognitive reframing_ is a term I was unfamiliar with, so I did a search and found information I can actually apply for myself!

Worth looking into!


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