# When is it time to walk away?



## bigflatblike71 (Jul 12, 2015)

Writing this is more difficult than I can say, but I don't know what else to do or where I can turn to. I will start by laying out some facts and then see where it goes from there.

I suffer with depression and have done for around 12 years now. It started with problems at work and then spread to all areas of my life. I was forced to finish my job around 8 years ago and spent 5 years on the sick. I split up with my first wife after 19 years of marriage, with a lot of that time unhappy. This did help lift me from the darkness. I met my soul mate around 8 months later and have never been happier in my life. She totally removed the viel of darkness and lifted me into the light. She made me the best me I could be. I started working again 3 years ago. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. I love her more than life itself and will do absolutely anything for her.
She started to suffer with depression 2 years or so ago. It started with her being unhappy in her job and progressed from there.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer on Halloween 2014 and died Christmas Eve. While she was ill I did everything for her and my dad to try and make life easier for them. I had extra stress with the company I worked for being less than understanding of the situation and even going so far as to say I could have time to attend appointments with my parents then saying I couldn't the day before. This caused me to go on the sick and subsequently receive a written warning because of this. I no longer work for that employer.

During this time my wife and I got through as best we could, dealing with her depression and trying to live. In December my wife cut herself. This was a major shock to me. We sort of discussed things and it was a cry for help for the crisis team. In February of this year she took an overdose while I was sitting in the living room. She came in from the kitchen, through the empty tablet packets at me and told me I needed to call an ambulance. She went on to tell my it was my fault as I should have seen how low she was and contacted the crisis team. The overdose was nowhere near enough to cause any problems and was just a cry for help. This happened the day after I got a phone call telling me my cousin had died. She spent 8 weeks in a local psychiatric ward. This was obviously a very stressful time for us both.

One thing I have not mentioned is my wife is a very poor communicator. By this I don't mean she has any physical problems, just that she will not talk to me and tell me what her problems are or what she wants or needs on an emotional level. I do struggle with this as I always want to know. She has told me on several occasions that her depression is not the same as mine, yet dispite this think I should know exact what she is thinking and feeling. I try and explain to her that I am not a mind reader but this does not change anything.

Since her depression has started she has become more and more selfish and totally self centred. If something does not benefit her directly then she does not want to know about it or be involved with it. She likes to collect things. I spend a great deal of time and what little money we have running around picking bit up from here there and everywhere. Don't get me wrong, because of this our house is like a curiosity shop and I love it. If she can't have the thing she wants for whatever reason the she does not like that at all. She will blame me for this and have either have a go at me (verbally never physicaly) and then ignore me or just ignore me. This is tortuous to me as I need communication.*

She can never admit she is wrong about anything and when it is proved she is wrong she will not apologise for this. She can make a statement and confuse her words and if I try to clarify what she wants or means then she tells me I am starting an argument. The last thing that I want is to argue. At the moment I don't have either the physical or mental strength for it. Apparently I am not supposed to question what she means. I am supposed to know.*

I could go on, but I feel like I am just having a go at her. I understand she is suffering and unwell but she refuses to accept that I am unwell too. All I want from her is a little understanding, a bit of sympathy when I need it and to accept that she is not always right. I feel I constantly support her and when I tell her that I need a little bit of support she tells me I can't get it from her as she is not well.*

How long can I continue down this road. It is breaking my heart and battering my skull at the same time. How much more time do I give her to try and help herself or have I done far to much and made everything to easy for her meaning she can't do anything. My favourite site in the world is her smile and my favourite sound is her laughter. It has been such a long time since I have seen of heard these. If I can't make her happy or help in the process of her recovery should I still be here?

Sorry it's such a long post but I have shortened it from what it could have been. Please be honest with your replies. I don't want anyone's sympathy but I'm looking for honest and hopefully helpful advice.*

Thank you



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## PrincessX (Jul 12, 2015)

Hello bigflatblike71,

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am not sure how to reply, as I am not a therapist. Some other members here are more experienced than me, but bottom line, I think you need help from professional counsellor. There are a lot of issues to be addressed here and it might take time for you to find some solutions.

All the best.

P.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 12, 2015)

No you cannot be everything for her  especially not her therapist   You need to look after YOU ok  you first so you can have energy to help her if there is any energy left.   Have you ever thought about going to marriage counelor  it could help   If she is not willing to go you go on your own ok so you can get the support you need and deserve.  She needs to reach out to her doctor and health team to help you not depend on you being that for her.  take care of YOU ok  do that  first.


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## bigflatblike71 (Jul 19, 2015)

Looking into marriage counseling through her cpn.

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## forgetmenot (Jul 19, 2015)

That is good news  i hope in doing so you both get the supports in place that is needed  to help you both stay well


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## HBas (Jul 21, 2015)

Dear Bigflatblike,

 I empathize with your situation because I know what it feels like to love someone and feel the frustration of just not connecting. 

When you show interest and ask questions and your wife does not answer there is nothing you can do about that but you could try to inspire her to communicate in different ways and maybe find an alternative way to resolve the communication issue. There is danger in having to read her because there is no guarantee that you can read someone correctly. It is also not fair towards you. No matter how well you know her or how much you love her, she is a unique individual and no matter how clear you think the signals are to indicate her mood, you could be wrong.

You have to decide how much you can take. No matter what you do for her or how much you love her, you must realize that she is the only one that can control how she behaves.

No one person alive can or should control another person’s behaviour. No matter what you do, she is still responsible for how she acts and reacts.

Happy to hear about the marriage counselling, it is a very wise thing to do. Wishing you both well.

HB


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## ethanbridges (Jul 21, 2015)

Hey Bigflatblike71, really good to hear that.

I have been in some bad relationships because of poor communication. Being in both sides in fact--they didn't communicate well, or I didn't. It could really turn into disaster. And I think this issue is often overlooked, as if it's doesn't matter.

I know you don't want sympathy or anything like that. Just wanted to say I admire your courage. You came here telling us about your story as if you're about to break down or give it a go with her, as you said. But I feel you're a good man. I'm also an advocate for taking care of oneself first before the others. But I also believe there's some truth in *selfless* giving or loving. You know, like in movies. Hah. Beats me.

Counseling or therapy sounds nice. Just take it easy alright? 

Thanks for sharing your story. You're a blessing, man, to be honest, from the bottom of my heart.


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