# I want to kill myself



## Jaine (Sep 17, 2004)

I'm 18 years old have anorexia, depression,PTSD and anxiety/panick attacks. I've seen a psychologist for about a year now but apart from admitting i was raped i truely believe nothing more has come from it i still hate myself, my life and everything about me.

I gave myself a month to live if things didn't improve im killing myself i have under two weeks left my parents psychologist and case manager know but nothing is being done. i don't know what has to happen to make things better i know i ewant to be thin belong/fit in something ive never done.

i want to forget about being raped falling pregnant to him and miscarriaging, which i blame myself for even though i did nothing wrong. i want help but don't know what to do or say. there is only so many times i can say i hate myself, my life im worthless ugly dump. i cut myself for punishment and it's getting worse my psychologist and everyone know but nothing happends to help me.

i don't know what to do i m stressed and so very depressed and suicidal. i don't want to go into hospital i know it wont help.

what can i do... two weeks are left i know what ill do to kill myself it's all planned.
please help me before its too late.


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## sammy (Sep 17, 2004)

Is there no close friend you can really talk to?

I know how you feel, wanting to belong, not feeling you fit in, and I do know how it feels to want to be thinner, it is so painful 

Please talk to us... I know you may be sick of talking, especially if you feel it doesn't help.

But you may be surprised... so many people DO care about others... there is help, I have found it myself.
I, too, was raped, at 17, almost 18. I blamed myself, as I was so drunk that I accepted a lift home from a stranger.
You are NOT alone...
please get to know us... then we can get to know you,
love Marion


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## Ash (Sep 17, 2004)

Jaine, I too have been in the same boat.  I was raped by someone that I trusted with my life and it really screwed me up for a long time.  It does get better and, although you will never forget, the pain lessens.

Are you currently on any medication?


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 17, 2004)

First, if the therapist you are seeing isn't helping, wouldn't it make more sense to find another one instead of killing yourself?

Similarly, if you are taking medication now and it isn't helping, there are numerous choices -- let your doctoir know that the present medication isn't helping and try something else.

Most importantly, Jaine, what is so special about that deadline? How does this help your anxiety or anything else, to put that much extra pressure on yourself? If you can make it through two more weeks, why not three? or four? or five? Why do you need that sort of deadline at all?

I know that you are tired of feeling the way you do and tird of waiting to feel better but honestly -- suicide is not the answer. And especially suicide with a deadline. Even if you truly believe that killing yourself is the only answer for you, what's the rush? If you can do it in two weeks, the option will still be there in four weeks, or four months, or four years.

There is help for you and hope for you -- sometimes, it takes a while to find it...


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## Daniel (Sep 17, 2004)

A deadline can contribute to a false feeling that things don't change.  However, as others say, time can heal. 

Personally, the best thing for keeping my suicide thoughts at bay years ago was a strong fear of a botched attempt.   Ironically, that helped a lot in calming me down.   Also, postponing suicide indefinitely gave me the same feeling of control as a suicide deadline.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 17, 2004)

I believe it was Nietzsche who said that once you have accepted suicide as an option you should never have to use it.

But Daniel is right on both counts: (1) postponing it doesn't remove the option and may open up others for you to see; and (2) there is something worse than a successful suicide and that is a botched one, which leaves you crippled or brain-damaged or both. Believe me: I have worked with people after an unsucessful attempt. And one thing I will say: I have never met anyone who failed in the attempt and wished s/he had succeeded, at least not after the first couple of days. That should tell you something...


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## Daniel (Sep 17, 2004)

In the United States, 19,000 people are permanently disabled each year because of a botched attempt:



> There are more than 80 deaths from suicide every day, while an estimated 300,000-600,000 people a year survive suicide attempts. 116,000 are hospitalized;* seventeen percent, some 19,000, of these people are permanently disabled each year.* (Geo Stone, Suicide & Attempted Suicide)


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## Jaine (Sep 17, 2004)

Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice i guess some people do care about me even if we've never met. About the rape im sorry others have had to go through it, it's wrong and shouldn't happen no matter whether you're taking a walk with a friend like i was or drunk at a party it's still wrong. I was seeing someone from CASA (center against sexual assualt) but i stopped because of the travelling and pressure on mum etc. We Lindy the person i was seeing and i did do EMDR which has helped a little the nightmares have pretty muched stopped the occasional flashback happends it's just i guess knowing it happend, blaming myself even though it wasn't my fault. Lindy also believes the violence at home all through my childhood, witnessing my dad and mum fight physically then my sister doing it to me has also contributed to PTSD. I guess even though im trying hard i can't let go of my past which i really want to do. My psychologist is really nice and i like her but i never know what to say, and she asks me what needs to change and i tell her and then it's like ok we move onto something else. My parents want to come to see her with me next session to put plans in place which i guess is good. 

I guess I gave myself the deadline because i had a little hope that things may get better even a little but nothing much has changed. I'm binging but not purging coz im stressed over school exams which is in 3 weeks and things at home aren't good. I know suicide really isn't the solution but it seems the only one availible for me. Theres no one else apart from you guys who i can talk to. I hardly know what to say to my psychologist and even then i feel like im waisting her time and my parents hard earned money. I hope im making some sence. I went out last night and drank a bottle of vodka cruiser and it got me tipsy first drink ever im on effexor XR 225mg i asked my case manager to go up but she wouldn't. I feel so ill lately i just say to mum it's stress but i dunno is it?

David Baxter... im a cutter and i tried to cut my wrist so many times but lately no matter how hard i push it wont cut deep enough, is that a sign that im not ment to do it? or am i just weak?


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## Daniel (Sep 17, 2004)

If you stay with the same psychologist, you may want to get a different perspective by simply reading a new self-help book that will start new discussions with your psychologist:
Listmania: Help for self-injurer's: Fiction and Non-Fiction
Listmania: Self-harm and Eating Disorders And other Psych. disorders

The most recommened book at Amazon.com for self-injurers seems to be The Scarred Soul: Understanding & Ending Self-Inflicted Violence.  The book can help one recognize patterns of behavior, etc. One person said: "I gave a copy of this book to my therapist to use with other clients and she too has found it to be invaluable."  

Also, the brain naturally experiences more changes and stress during the teenage years, so things should be easier as time goes on.  My self-destructive impulses rapidly decreased in my early twenties, and they decreased to almost nothing after my mid-twenties.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 18, 2004)

Jaine said:
			
		

> Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice i guess some people do care about me even if we've never met.


That's true. And there are probably a lot more people who care about you than you know.



> We Lindy the person i was seeing and i did do EMDR which has helped a little the nightmares have pretty muched stopped the occasional flashback happends it's just i guess knowing it happend, blaming myself even though it wasn't my fault. Lindy also believes the violence at home all through my childhood, witnessing my dad and mum fight physically then my sister doing it to me has also contributed to PTSD. I guess even though im trying hard i can't let go of my past which i really want to do. My psychologist is really nice and i like her but i never know what to say, and she asks me what needs to change and i tell her and then it's like ok we move onto something else.


Therapy (recovery) takes time. And you need to be ready to move on to the next step. The quick fix doesn't last -- if you want real healing, you need to be patient, you need to have faith in your therapist, and you need to be ready before you take each new step.



> I guess I gave myself the deadline because i had a little hope that things may get better even a little but nothing much has changed.


Time. Patience. "Baby steps".



> I know suicide really isn't the solution but it seems the only one availible for me. Theres no one else apart from you guys who i can talk to. I hardly know what to say to my psychologist and even then i feel like im wasting her time and my parents hard earned money.


You aren't wasting anything. Remember: baby steps. patience.



> David Baxter... im a cutter and i tried to cut my wrist so many times but lately no matter how hard i push it wont cut deep enough, is that a sign that im not ment to do it? or am i just weak?


You're not weak. I would take that as a sign that you don't really want to die. Cutting is rarely about wanting to die anyway -- it's about getting rid of feelings, expressing anger and rage and pain, when you don't have any other effective way of expressing those things. That's one of the things your therapist can help you learn.


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## Daniel (Sep 18, 2004)

> My psychologist is really nice and i like her but i never know what to say


The cool thing about seeing a psychologist is that anything goes.  You can say "I'm frustrated that I don't know what to say to you" and voice other frustrations with therapy.   Doing so is a natural part of the process.  Hiding these frustrations from the therapist would obviously not help you or her.  



> im on effexor XR 225mg i asked my case manager to go up but she wouldn't.


The Physician's Desk Reference says the maximum recommended dosage for Effexor XR is 225mg per day.  

_(Admin note: There can be good reasons for a phsyician to precribe a higher dose than the generally recommended "therapeutic dose". In fact, the manufacturer's information for this medication states that "It should be noted that, while the maximum recommended dose for moderately depressed outpatients is also 225 mg/day for EFFEXOR (the immediate-release form of venlafaxine), more severely depressed inpatients in one study of the development program for that product responded to a mean dose of 350 mg/day (range of 150 to 375 mg/day)". David Baxter)_



> My parents want to come to see her with me next session to put plans in place which i guess is good.


Yes, family involvement in therapy makes a ton of sense, especially when having problems at home.



> I'm binging but not purging coz im stressed over school exams which is in 3 weeks and things at home aren't good.


Ideally, studying for exams would be a distraction from other problems, even if it is difficult to maintain concentration.   Of course, studying for even 10 minutes at-a-time is better than nothing, especially since some students just study during TV commercials.



> i feel like im waisting her time and my parents hard earned money.


A feeling of being a burden is a common trait among depressed people.  Since this feeling is self-defeating, it should be ignored as much as possible.


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## sammy (Sep 18, 2004)

Hi Jaine
I'm really glad you have posted again...it's good to know a little bit more about you 
I sense that things will change- as David said- patience- hold on- baby steps.. one at a time...
Not wanting to cut deep... you do have some love for yourself left- that is good... we _should_ love ourselves...

Think about this... what would you say to someone who has said the same as you?
Who is cutting, and contemplating suicide?
Would you advise them it was a good thing? Or would you care about them, and want them to find help?
I think you _would_ care about others, and advise them to find effective help...
So, take a bit of that care that you have....and give it to yourself...


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## Jaine (Sep 18, 2004)

*i want to kill myself*

I'm reading and working on aself help book for anorexia right now that my psychologist lent me I also have ones on self esteem to work through too but once i finishe then I will endevour to get hold of the books you suggesterd Daniel. Hopefully if I can't afford them a library will have them.

One of my 'problem' is I have high expectations of myself and sometimes of others too, mainly myself but my parents often contribute to this especially my dad who doesn't live with us but we see him once a week. He often tells me that im not getting anywhere that i need to move on get over it. Thats mainly why he wants to come to a session with liz which is next sunday. I have a trust thing so my psychologist and i agreed that she wont tell them anything with out having my ok unless i will hurt someone or myself that is as all psychologist must step in to prevent it.

I must admit I have no self esteem or confidence and because of this i don't go out much even to exercise. And when i do go out i want to hide. Thats about to change though coz i got a job now working at a child care centre. i don't know how ill go with all this going  on in my head was it a good decision? Everyone else thinks so... but what if i can't handle it and school and everything else then ill be a failure again and make them disappointed which is something i don't want to do anymore.

Half of me doesn't see a future ahead for myself and doesn't believe there is one and the other part has given up fighting for what will never happen. Such as liking myself both inside and out, belonging/fitting in. So that's why suicide tends to be a good choice. Also i know the rates are high and its a shame especially since so many are young and deserve to live but don't know how to get out of the mess they are in.

If someone told me all i have told you I'd do the same try to convince them that there is hope that people do care that life will be better.

but i have to go sorry guys


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## jubjub (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi, Jaine. Please keep in touch with us here because, as you can see, we care very much and there are qualified people here who can help with excellent advice.

I am only sorry that I did not see your post sooner.  Your young life sounds so much like mine at that age. 

I tried to commit suicide a few times with pills when I was a teenager because I felt there was nothing left to live for and no one cared and I hated myself. I had been molested and raped at the age of 12, and to this day no one knows about it unless I choose to speak about it in an anonymous forum like this.  I still struggle with my insecurities to this day (I'm 52 now), but life IS worth living and there IS light at the end of the tunnel. 

Do you know how I overcame my trauma at the age of 18?  I had been placed in a psychiatric ward because I was a rebellious teenager and I had tried to kill myself. I ran the gamut of psychiatrists, psychologists, shock treatments, medication, etc.   I became pregnant while in there and they did an operation called a hysterotomy which is really something they do when it is too late to have a regular abortion. I had little say in it. It was all arranged by the "powers that be".  I was lying in my bed after the surgery and my father (who I seldom saw as my parents were divorced) came to my hospital room with the news that my grandmother, who I was very close to, had died.  You know what happened after I came to the end of a good, long cry about the loss of my grandmother and my (then) present situation in life?  As if someone had snapped their fingers, I was filled with a sudden and resolute determination to get out of that hospital and get on with my life and fix MYSELF.  It felt rather like anger, actually, but it felt good after the miasma of pain and confusion I had previously been going through with no end to it in sight.

If you can just find that small light that is burning inside you that wants to make positive changes, I know you can do it!  We are all here whenever you choose to drop by.  I have a computer course to attend out of town all this week, but I will drop in here as often as I can to see how you are coming along.  Please don't give up!  You found us here for a reason, you know, and as you can see, we care!


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 19, 2004)

What an amazing and inspiring post, jubjub. Thank you for your courage and compassion in writing that for Jaine and everyone else who will read your words.



> You found us here for a reason, you know


and now maybe you know part of the reason you went through all that you did and survived to find this forum and be here for Jaine.

I don't know what else to say. Thank you.


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