# Hiding behind a wall of pain



## forgetmenot (Oct 25, 2009)

My brother decided to take his life oct 29 oh god this is so hard. I am understanding more of his pain and the reason he chose what he did. I still hold alot of guilt as i truly know if someone had reached out to him he would still be here.  I don't know lately i am in this i don't care mood. I convince myself what happens happens and i really don't care  I have no emotion and no pain 

My therapist is good he made me understand i can't stay here much longer I will just go deeper into depression and it will be harder to come back out of it. 

I wish he had a therapist to help him totalk to him

Im sorry oh tears finallly tears coming maybe i needed to do this face this again 

Loss of someone through suicide god I know i have to move on but i do what i always do is bury the pain and pretend all is okay.  Im okay but im not  I am far from okay why can't i just let the barrier down  I know i need to i have to in order to heal.   I can only say im sorry again for not being there and hope you have found peace you deserve. I wish things were different oh im sorry.


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## Jackie (Oct 25, 2009)

Violet,

I feel your pain and am sending you hugs and postives.  Not sure how else I can help, your in my thoughts:hug:


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## white page (Oct 25, 2009)

Thank you for your post Violet, it illustrates well how violent suicide of a family member is for the rest of the family. Those feelings that we shoild have seen it coming, that we didn't do the right thing at the right time.

 I am glad that you are listening to your therapist, though the grief will always be there, there will be a time when you can move on and take delight in the many blessings around you, I know how very heart rending the anniversaries are. Nothing we can say will make it easier for you. 

 Tomorrow is another day Violet and I do hope you feel a little easier having expressed your distress here.


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## crzycadn (Oct 25, 2009)

I am truly sorry for your pain Violet.  The old saying is true - time heals all wounds.  I have found that when you get past the first anniversary, the rest are not as bad.  You have to go thru the "4 seasons of grief".

It hurts so much no matter how you lose a loved one and I would imagine that suicide is one of the worst things a family has to deal with.

When a loved one leaves your house in a car and gets in an accident, it's not your fault.
When a loved one has a heart attack, and you fed them fried foods every time they came to your house, it's not your fault.

When a loved one dies from emphasema from smoking, and you lit his cigarettes and gave him cigarettes when he was on oxygen at home, it's not my fault my father died.

You had no way of knowing what your brother was going to do and it is not your fault that he decided suicide was his only option, God rest his soul.

I also have a brother with some very dark demons who is also an alcoholic.  I truly believe that one day, I am going to get a call that he is dead.  It won't matter to me whether he commits suicide, or gets killed drunk driving or has a heart attack.  The only thing that will matter to me is that he died, not how it happened. 
I can't do anything about it.  He won't get help and he won't listen to anyone - in fact, he won't even speak to me right now.  If I could help him, I would.  I will not allow myself to feel guilt about something I have absolutely no control over. I love my baby brother very much and pray all the time that he will get help, but I am almost 100% sure he won't.

Next year's anniversary will be easier for you, but you will always miss your brother.

:hug:


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## why (Oct 26, 2009)

:hug::hug:


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## Jazzey (Oct 26, 2009)

I'm also just saying that you're in my thoughts Violet. :hug::hug:  I don't think that there will ever be words that can take away that pain for you.  If there were, I'd love to find them for you.


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