# What It?s Like Inside a Depressed Person?s Head



## David Baxter PhD (Jan 20, 2013)

*What It?s Like Inside a Depressed Person?s Head*
By Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT. GoodTherapy.org
January 10th, 2013

While not everyone?s experience is the same, when people have a major depressive episode,  generally the world looks, feels and is understood completely  differently than before and after the episode. During a major depressive  episode, the world literally seems like a dark place. What was  beautiful may look ugly, flat, or even sinister. The depressed person  may believe loved ones, even their own children, are better off without  them. Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for.  There?s no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is  rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always  been miserable, and always will be.

 When this reality shift happens, it?s difficult to remember or  believe what seemed normal before the episode. What the person believes  during the episode seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts  with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him or her  that the sky is purple. For example, if the person is unable to feel  love for a spouse, and someone reminds the person that he or she used to  feel that love, the person may firmly believe he or she had been  pretending to himself/herself and others?though at the time he or she  really felt it. The person can?t remember feeling the love, and can?t  feel it during the episode, and thus concludes he or she never felt  it. The same process happens with happiness and pleasure. Attempts to  tell the person that he or she used to be happy, and will feel happy  again, can cause the person to feel more misunderstood and isolated  because he or she is convinced it?s not true.

 Even if nothing was wrong before the episode, everything seems wrong  when it descends. Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything  is irritating.  Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more  effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it.  What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable;  what felt joyful feels pleasureless?or, at best, a fleeting drop of  pleasure in an ocean of pain.

 Major depression feels like intense pain that can?t be identified in  any particular part of the body. The most (normally) pleasant and  comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem far  away?on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or  care, and people seem insincere. Depression is utterly isolating.

 There is terrible shame  about the actions depression dictates, such as not accomplishing  anything or snapping at people. Everything seems meaningless, including  previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that  had given the person a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. These assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer  seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. Anything that  ever caused the person to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up  most of his or her psychic space. That and being in this state causes  the person to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has  abandoned or will abandon him or her.

 It?s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who?s  never experienced it can make sense of it. I can?t emphasize enough that  when this happens, what I am describing is absolutely the depressed  person?s reality. When people try to get the person to look on the  bright side, be grateful, change his or her thoughts, or meditate, or  they minimize or try to disprove the person?s reality, they are very  unlikely to succeed. Instead, they and the depressed person are likely  to feel frustrated and alienated from one another. I do believe  cognitive therapy has an important place, but generally not in the  throes of a major depressive episode.

 So what does a person whose reality has shifted in this way need?  Please keep in mind that I am talking about a major depressive  episode?severe depression that has lasted more than two weeks. I would  take a different approach for someone with milder depression, or one  that is a response to a terrible loss. For some people in a major  depression, medication works and is the only thing that works. The same  could be said for electric shock treatment, though it?s not for  everyone. Many people will emerge from major depression in time, though  episodes seem to make more episodes more likely, so if medication works  to end the episode, it?s usually prudent to take it. Nutrition,  acupuncture, and other body-based treatments can help without the side  effects of medication.

 Loved ones can gently hold and show love and commitment to the  depressed person, try not to take on the person?s reality, but also not  argue with him or her about it. They can also gently remind the person  that depression causes his or her perspective on everything to change,  and he or she is unable to think outside of depression mode at the  moment. It is a time for the person to avoid making decisions, or avoid  doing anything significant that requires a nondepressed perspective. If  this is a repeated experience for this person, it can be helpful to  discuss all of this between episodes so he or she is more prepared when  caught in the quicksand.


----------



## W00BY (Jan 20, 2013)

It does take you over and you become even alien to yourself in such a short space of time.

I have never been as depressed as I was at the start of my depressive experience because I worked on sorting out the triggers got help with my issues etc 

But I have to be ever vigilant about it's reappearance on a literally day to day basis and fight to keep myself out of the mindset.

And this is my point I look back at my most depressed moments and the person I remember from then is very alien to me and was at the time. I still find it hard to believe I ended up that low but in understanding it much of it's power over me has gone!

It is such a subtle and powerful thing and there is so much you cannot even begin to explain to people how it truly feels to be in that place mentally!

Great piece of writing very thought provoking!


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jan 20, 2013)

One thing that is scary about depression to me is feeling so disconnected from the people I love very much. Like that love just doesn't matter. Like my love doesn't mean anything and isn't real. It's scary.


----------



## Banned (Jan 20, 2013)

I agree CD, and conversely, you don't believe anybody loves you either.  All the love in the world doesn't matter when I'm depressed, and the more people try and love me the more I want to distance myself.


----------



## forgetmenot (Jan 20, 2013)

So many different stages  one where the sadness is so painful and tears just come out of no where  then there is a stage where there is numbness  no emotions no feeling just existence      The disconnection  feels like it is the right thing to do  to distant one self  from the ones they care about so they are not harmed by any decision that is made
The loss of who one was    The loss of ability to see a way out    The struggle to hold on to something anything anyone  so one does not get lost completely loss in the darkness of it all


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, there must be some healthy way to deal with this feeling. Something to hold onto. What could that be?


----------



## forgetmenot (Jan 20, 2013)

I have always held onto people that i do know care abt me even if my brain says differently down deep i know i cannot harm them by leaving


----------



## Banned (Jan 20, 2013)

I don't know.  For me it's time, knowing I've been there before and it'll pass.  I want to be alone and not talk about it or anything, but by the same token I want my therapist to know what I'm going through.  I guess I just hold on to the knowledge that it will pass and I'll be ok again in a few days or weeks.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you think it's ok to contact one's therapist and let him/her know what you're thinking and feeling? Especially with suicidal thoughts? For me, it just seems like there is TOO much of it. I'm too much.


----------



## forgetmenot (Jan 20, 2013)

It is always ok CD to reach out to your therapist and let know how you are feeling especially if you are not feeling so well


----------



## Banned (Jan 20, 2013)

I agree with FMN, CD. When I get uber-depressed or have suicidal thoughts, I let my therapist know right away. I know I can't get there for an appointment, but at least he knows what's going on and can check in with me or assess how things are going via email until he sees me next. I also let him know because I will try and cancel my appointment because when I'm depressed I don't have the energy or desire to go. He kicks my butt and doesn't let me cancel which is important especially when I'm feeling that way.

I think it's important with mood disorders for our therapists to be "in the know" of mood swings or major changes in mood. Especially when they cross into more serious territory like suicidal thinking. And I do take some comfort knowing that he knows what I'm feeling, even though I know at the end of the day I need to ride it out. If he didn't allow email contact a) he wouldn't be my therapist but b) I would probably keep mood journals because my moods can and do shift so rapidly so that can be an option as well if you prefer.


----------



## HotthenCold (May 23, 2013)

W00BY said:


> It is such a subtle and powerful thing and there is so much you cannot even begin to explain to people how it truly feels to be in that place mentally!




This is how I feel too. It's so isolating and frustrating because you can't describe with words what "hopeless" feels like. Even the most potent and descriptive words can never come close to giving someone an idea of the feeling. So then the person who is trying to help gets frustrated and doesn't want to help or connect anymore and accuses the depressed person of "not trying" or "being stubborn"....maybe this doesn't always happen, but it feels like it does, especially with people who aren't as close to the depressed person i.e- acquaintances, co-workers, who just end up seeing us as lazy, stupid, pathetic, etc.


My ego or my depression is berating me every key stroke for this entire reply, telling me it's pointless, stupid, and just boring to be doing this. Better to go stare at some t.v show or just sleep.

---------- Post Merged at 08:12 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:07 PM ----------

I wasn't sure where to post this but I figured it might be good to post something positive because I post a lot of complaints and bitterness.

I was wallowing pretty hard in my depression for the last few days. I still feel quite heavy, but I managed to overcome it long enough to do the dishes and do a good clean on my whole apartment. Just doing this has made things seem significantly better. I'm sure I'll still be bummed out about the same old crap, but I've got some momentum so I'm going to the gym and to get groceries.

I don't mean this as some kind of triumphant announcement, but considering how dark my sphere has been recently this is big. Please don't beat yourself up if you are reading this and don't feel you can do the same (not as if it's some great feat anyway), I just want to put a little bit of positivity in to the mix because my gremlins are getting very adept at making everything seem stupid and pointless, including celebrating positive things like shaking off enough dust to get to work for a little while.


----------



## W00BY (May 25, 2013)

I think all anyone can gift themselves with depression is the recognition of when it is starting...

It maybe different for others but I liken the onset of my depression to when you get that first sniff of winter or spring... after experiencing it you can feel when it is starting up again sometimes slowly sometimes immediately but I do somewhere deep down recognize the pattern of my own depression.

And set up some support mechanism for yourself either real people, who are aware of your struggles and willing to help or ways in which to relieve the effects again for me I don't really speak to anyone about anything I find it difficult to let people know my feelings as I do not want them worrying which is in it's self not as bad as it used to be but it is something I will never find easy...so rather than the support of people I tend to fill my moments with things I enjoy and lift my mood.

Playing my guitar... pottering in garden and laughing at the finches collecting up my dogs fur making them look like little birdie santaclaus, going for a walk, having a bath can be a major achievement when depressed and I have been seriously depressed lately, but, even just coming here and reading and writing I find helps.

I have probably spoke more about my feelings here than to any person face to face and years ago I would have seen this it's self as failure but it's not...

Whatever works that is what matters.


----------

