# What's wrong with me.



## Lostinontario (Jan 28, 2005)

Hi 

I'm a 32 year old husband of 10 years and father of two gorgeous little girls.  I make a good living and am loving to my family.   I don't know how I keep it together.

Last year I found myself wanting to kill myself.  I turned away from my family and lost 30 pounds that I couldn't afford to lose.  I had an affair with someone who was as screwed up  as I.  

Since I have come clean about the affair, started taking celexa and find that I am making better decisions and am able to tend to my family.  I am also in councilling.   Through all of this I have managed to keep my job, marriage and kids.  I seem to have lost my sanity though.  I often feel like driving into oncoming traffic and ending it.  I often feel like I need a gun to end it.  I have everthing going for me.  I'm afraid to tell my councillor for some reason.  Maybe I want her to think I'm making progress.  My wife doesn't know.  

I don't think I'd do it but it really brings me down.  I then have to put on the brave, happy face when I get home or to work.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Lost


----------



## Jon (Jan 28, 2005)

Hello Lostinontario,

First, welcome to the forum.  

You said that your wife doesn't know.  Doesn't know about the affair, your depression, or what?

One of the best things I think you could do is get communication open between you and your wife if it isn't open now.  If there is something between you that is affecting you so strongly then I can see why you find yourself turning away.  The longer communication is closed between spouses, the further apart they often drift, even if they really love each other.  Clearing up that obstacle usually brings you closer together and certainly help you to feel better about yourself.


----------



## Daniel (Jan 28, 2005)

I like Jon's advice about being open with your wife about your depression (to at least some degree) even though I'm not married.  I would certainly be honest and frank with your counselor about your suicidal ideations so that s/he can help you cope with them.   

I try to use my fleeting thoughts on suicide to my advantage, helping me not to worry about minor things like my cat's alterations to my carpet. My favorite book on suicidal ideations is _The Savage God_.   Also, the studies reported in the book _Night Falls Fast_ show that suicidal thinking is far more common than one would expect.

For more severe suicidal thoughts, fully realizing/recalling the reality of suicide may be helpful, such as viewing part of the National Survivors of Suicide Day webcast from November 2004.  

Also: 



> Suicidal thoughts provoked by crises will generally settle with time and counseling. For a person with strong or at least definitive family or community ties, urgently providing information about who else would be hurt and the loss that they would feel can sometimes be effective. For a person suffering poor self-esteem, citing valuable and productive aspects of their life can be helpful. Sometimes provoking simple curiosity about the victim's own future can be helpful.
> Suicide - Wikipedia


----------



## ThatLady (Jan 28, 2005)

I feel it's very important that you be honest and open with your counsellor, at least. That's what the counsellor is there for, and what you're paying him/her for. If you're not going to discuss your feelings, fears, and dreams, your time there is being wasted.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jan 29, 2005)

I think you should try to discuss them with your therapist. I agree with ThatLady. I can't see how it is doing you any good to go and not be honest.

I do have those thoughts too. Not about driving into oncoming traffic, but similar ones. I wouldn't do it and I think that's what you're saying too, but those thoughts are scary. I tell myself that they're just thoughts and that is all they are. 

I also have the thoughts about the gun and the worst part is that my husband just got a gun from my father.

BUT they are just thoughts. I don't have to act on them. 

I would just strongly encourage you to discuss this with your therapist.


----------



## Lana (Jan 29, 2005)

I think that before you open a dialogue with your wife, it is imparative that you speak openly and honstly with your therapist.  Their job is not to judge, but to guide.


----------



## Nutmeg (Jan 30, 2005)

Hi Lost,

I'm wondering whether you're overwhelmed with the responsibilities of adult life. The 'outside' of your life looks perfect, but on the inside it sounds like a struggle. Sounds like you're overwhelmed. I don't know what the struggle is about, but your therapist could help you take some of the burden off. Are you in counseling or in therapy?

I can understand your keeping secret the suicidal thoughts from the counselor but but it's important that you tell them. You may need different medication, for one thing. You could start by telling the counselor that there is something you're keeping from them, that you really don't want to tell at all. And let them create a space for you to tell them.

keep posting.
nutmeg


----------



## Lostinontario (Feb 1, 2005)

*Thank you all for your replies*

Hi all,

Sorry so tardy in responding, computer problems!

The communication between my wife and I has never been so good.  The only thing I'm leaving out is the suicidal thoughts.  I guess that they are just thoughts but they're really scary.  I feel that I'm at the tail end of this "severe bout" of depression but I can't seem to kick the suicide thing.

You are all correct, I should tell my therapist.  I guess I like her telling me that I'm doing great.  I like everyone telling me I'm doing great.  Selfish, yes.  Hiding my feelings and my thoughts got me into this in the first place. 

I'm sorry that I didn't write down the name of the people that replied to me.   The one who had suicidal thoughts like me, how do you cope?  Do you live in fear of the day that you're down enough to do it?  

Thank you all,

Lost


----------



## Daniel (Feb 1, 2005)

An important thing about suicide, of course, is that it requires a certain level of impulsivity.  So if the impulsivity is not there, the suicidal thoughts are just thoughts without action...like thoughts of going to Venus or thoughts of cleaning the entire house in 10 minutes.    This is why the book _The Suicidal Mind_ says, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, not to kill oneself when feeling impulsive and suicidal:



> Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your mind wishes and let the thought of suicide--the possibiltiy that you could do it--carry you through the dark night.  Night after night. Day after day, until the thought of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer focus in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life.
> --_The Suicidal Mind_, pg. 166



What helped me the most when I was actively suicidal was a strong fear of a botched suicide attempt resulting in brain damage.  If I remember correctly, my first psychiatrist said that one of his patients was paralyzed by a suicide attempt.   

As with most people, my depression and resulting suicidal thoughts become more manageable and weaker with time.


----------



## Lostinontario (Feb 1, 2005)

*thoughts*

Daniel,  Thanks for your reply.  I get that you didn't actually try.  Did you ever think that you were going to.  I've been [on the verge of attempting suicide *], scared like I've never been scared before.  I've almost dared myself into it.  I remember saying to myself "you can't even do this right" .  That was a while ago but it is so vivid.  It makes me think that if I can get that close then what will happen next time?  Will there be a next time?  

Those thoughts are fewer and fewer lately but it seems that it doesn't take much for them to come back.  

I guess I'm just babbling but it feels good.  It's nice to know there's others with the same thoughts.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I'm glad you're here.

Lost

_[* Admin edit -- please don't make references to specific methods or forms of self-injury or suicide, since that may trigger negative reactions in other forum members -- see http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewtopic.php?p=6928#6928]_


----------



## Cat Dancer (Feb 1, 2005)

Well, I have those thoughts sometimes and they are scary because it's not really what I want to do. I have actually tried it twice (I didn't really want to die though) and other times sort of half heartedly. I'm glad to be alive today. As hard as things can get sometimes there are good moments too. I have this thought in my mind that I don't want to miss those good moments even if life seems too hard most of the time.

I also agree with Daniel about the thought of a botched attempt that would leave me paralyzed or something like that terrifies me too. Life is precious. It really is. 

Please talk to your therapist about this.


----------



## Nutmeg (Feb 1, 2005)

Lost,

Your therapist won't be angry with you if you tell her. She'll really appreciate it. You may still be doing well, and also want to work on this problem of destructive thoughts and daring yourself. It doesn't make you a therapy failure at all. I'm sure she'll be very supportive.

nutmeg


----------



## Daniel (Feb 1, 2005)

> I get that you didn't actually try. Did you ever think that you were going to. I've been [on the verge of attempting suicide *], scared like I've never been scared before.



I did attempt suicide at least several times during the first few years of my depression.  I probably spent a total of 3 months in psych hospitals during those years.  As has been said before, the ambivalent nature of suicide is quite odd.  Usually, I would feel relatively fine the day after a suicide attempt.    A contributing factor was probably my age.  My depression hit me hard at 18, and teenagers are impulsive to begin with.

I like Janet's point about moments.   I am also reminded of the saying "this too shall pass."

Also, I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't attempt suicide again after seeing my mother's grief-stricken reaction to my last suicide attempt.

BTW, Jackie O. Kennedy's advice for depression was going to sleep early. (She had suicidal thoughts after the assasination of her husband JFK.)


----------



## Lostinontario (Feb 2, 2005)

*I opened up.*

Hi all,

Well, you have all had some great advice.  Thank you for sharing your stories with me.  I'm glad I'm not alone.

I talked to my therapist last night and told her about the thoughts and she was very supportive and reinforced your comments.  Everyone has those thoughts at one time or another.  They are just thoughts.  

She had me tell her when I had these thoughts (in detail) and we could relate it to fatigue and stress.  It feels good just to have a reason.  

Thank you all for your support.  I owe you guys for getting me to talk about it.  I think that we can close this topic off.  I will be keeping and eye on the forum to see if there's anywhere I can try to help.  I will also post another topic if I need to talk.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Lost


----------



## ThatLady (Feb 2, 2005)

I'm very glad to hear that your visit with your therapist went so well. It's good to know you're feeling a bit less frazzled about all this. Do stick with us. I'm sure there will be times when you can be of help to others, and we will be here if you need to talk. )


----------

