# Stop Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for You



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 30, 2018)

*How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me*
by Tee R. Sebastian, _Tiny Buddha_
October 29, 2018

*"A good rule of thumb is that any environment that  consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong  environment." ~ Laurie Helgoe*

 Do you ever worry that if you fulfill your needs you will disappoint  others? Do you ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for you?

 For years, I felt guilty about taking time for myself.  I thought that being alone, away from the rest of the world, meant  being selfish. This was especially true in one toxic relationship that  kept dragging me down because I was afraid to make a change. As a  peaceful, compassionate person who’s always been a good listener and a  giver, I was drawn to his unstable and needy behavior, thinking that I  could help him change for the better.

 But after two years of having to deal with constant putdowns from a  possessive partner who thought I was selfish every time I craved alone  time, I knew I was nearing my breaking point.

 I remember one night, after an exhausting day at work, I joyfully  looked forward to a relaxing evening. As I drove home, all I could think  of was taking a hot bath, brewing a fragrant herbal tea, and putting on  my favorite fluffy pajamas. Under the dimmed light of my reading lamp,  snug in a warm bed, I got lost in the world of mystery and imagination  that made my soul come alive.

 Just a few minutes into my reading session, I received a text from  him, demanding me to “get ready in ten because we’re going out, and you  don’t have a choice.”

 At first, I ignored the message and went back to my reading, since  he’d made plans earlier that week to see his friends. Then he called but  I didn’t pick up. Finally, after several attempts to reach me, he came  rushing to my apartment, banging on the front door.

 I pretended to be asleep and didn’t answer. The truth is that I was  frightened and reluctant to open the door given his usual aggressive  behavior.

*I didn’t want to confront him because I knew he wouldn’t understand. I **felt mentally and physically drained for having to constantly **explain  myself and for letting him manipulate me yet again. I was fed up with  having to come up with believable reasons why I needed time for myself,  and I was sick and tired of constantly changing my plans for him. *

 But as he left, I started to feel horrible. I felt guilty about  avoiding the situation and for not being able to stand up to him. What  made me feel even guiltier was that I’d finally done what I was afraid  to do for so long. I’d listened to my inner guidance and done what was  best for me.

 Still, instead of going back to reading and enjoying my evening  ritual, I opened up a one-pound bar of chocolate and slowly devoured the  massive amount of fat and sugar in a matter of minutes. Instantly, I  got back into my “happy” mood, thinking life was good again. But then,  as the guilt of eating so much sugar slowly sank in, I found myself back  at square one, feeling even worse.

 This happened over a decade ago, when I struggled with a full-blown  sugar addiction. To compensate for my inability to say no, being a  perfectionist, and staying in a toxic relationship, I’d eat sugar. A lot  of it. I was so drawn to sweets and chocolate that I couldn’t go a day  without eating at least a whole bar. It was part of my daily routine and  something I considered normal.

 Sugar was the answer to all my hardships. It was my biggest excuse for staying where I was and not doing anything about my life.

 Unsurprisingly, I struggled with self-blame, feeling that I was  deeply flawed because I was an introvert. In childhood, I was ashamed of  being regularly humiliated by my math teacher in front of the whole  class and continuously bullied by some of my classmates and older  students. Later on, the same guilt haunted me in similar ways, but as I  grew older, it became a part of me, almost like a sickness.

 After that day, I decided to end the toxic relationship  that made me doubt my worth and scarred me emotionally for years. I  finally found the courage to confront the person who’d used blaming,  shaming, and threatening to cover up all of his wrongdoings.

*Throughout our whole relationship, I apologized every time he  hurt me because I felt guilty for making him feel bad. I tried so hard  to be the perfect girl who never made mistakes, never spoke her mind,  and never messed up. I found myself agreeing with everything while my  conscience screamed the opposite. For so long, I tried to fix what was  broken. I felt hurt, lonely, and betrayed. *

 The truth is that I believed I was responsible for what he felt. For  his actions. For how he saw me. I was afraid of being judged, so I  diminished my value to make him feel comfortable. And I was slowly  losing myself.

 I became an obsessive perfectionist,  paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough. Everything I did had to  be absolutely perfect. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never  enough to meet his expectations.

 Now, I know that the guilt I felt that night was the reaction I’d  gotten accustomed to, my place of comfort that told me I was safe. But  no matter how guilty I felt for doing what I felt was right for me, I  gained invaluable courage to start making a change.

 It took a great deal of work, patience, and understanding, as well as  learning through growth and change, to know what I wanted out of a  relationship and how I wanted to be treated.

*I started with forgiveness. I forgave myself for not  listening to my intuition and for treating my body and mind badly.  Knowing that I cannot change the past and that I do not actually want to  go back there, I became mindful of the mistakes I’d made and learned  invaluable lessons.*

 When I became honest with myself about what I wanted, I began to take  care of myself, preserving my health, nourishing my body, and nurturing  my soul. I made my priorities clear and realized what was important to  me. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly.

 Finding the courage to put an end to my unhealthy relationship inspired me to take action and do something about my serious sugar addiction,  which was slowly but surely destroying my health. I signed up for a  wellness course that I’d been telling myself I would enroll in for  months. Just reaching this place was a huge success for me, at the time.

 I remember the moment I got there, I freaked out, unable to catch my  breath. All I wanted to do was leave and never return. I thought I  wasn’t ready to give up sugar, since it was keeping me safe and  comfortable. All I could think of was getting one more bite of my  favorite chocolate while promising myself, “I’m quitting tomorrow.”

 After days of crying in agony and successfully completing the  workshop, I decided to continue without sugar for the whole month. I  promised myself that I would let go of the one thing that was making me  happy momentarily but holding me back in so many areas of my life.

 And that’s when something incredible happened. I noticed that the  more I held off sugar, the more I pushed myself to pursue other things. I  started waking up early and meditating. I began making better food  choices and training for long-distance running. Postponing the immediate  gratification and choosing not to eat what was actually hurting me,  made me a much happier, more productive person.

 I became completely aware that my vice provided a powerful short-term  relief, but in reality, it was forming a vicious cycle that was leaving  me feeling vulnerable, empty, and regretful.

*After I’d forgiven myself, I forgave others. No matter how  hard it was, I found the strength to forgive anyone who’d harmed me and  asked for forgiveness of everyone I had unknowingly or deliberately  wronged in the past. *

 Forgiving someone means that you are letting go of bitterness and  resentment toward that person. It doesn’t mean that you need to contact  them or continue having them in your life. Not at all. They don’t even  have to know, but in your heart, you know that you have no sourness  left, only love and acceptance.

 And finally, I accepted myself for who I am and for having my own  needs. I went back to reading daily and taking courses and  certifications to better myself and improve my skills. I started  trusting my innate needs and desires because I finally realized that  it’s up to me to decide how I spend my time and how much alone time I  need.

 As introverts, we feel guilty for not talking enough, for not going  out as often as we think we should, and for avoiding social situations  because we need time alone. We often end up in toxic relationships  because we give, we love, we care about other people’s feelings, and we  don’t want to hurt anyone.

*But our alone time is so vital to our well-being that if we  don’t listen to our needs we end up feeling frustration, resentment, and  the inevitable fatigue that goes with them. *

 Living life according to your own needs doesn’t make you a selfish  person. It’s perfectly okay to spend time away from others, to fulfill  your need to read, write, create, and explore. It’s okay to want to be  alone and to enjoy it. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to feel  fulfilled, balanced, and connected to yourself.

Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you  or for prioritizing what you value in life. Never feel guilty for being  honest about how you feel, and never apologize for being you.







*About Tee R. Sebastian*
_As  an avid world traveler, T. R. Sebastien has found a sense of freedom  and self-appreciation while wandering. Through her writing, she helps  women discover who they truly are and fall in love with their  extraordinary traits. Check out her new book, *Find Your True Self – The Healing Journal: Your Journey to Understanding, Loving and Accepting Yourself*._


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