# Suicide. Why not?



## MollyK (Jul 27, 2007)

I have been thinking a lot lately about suicide. I have struggled with unhappiness for all of my adult life, literally years and years and Im tired of trying and have lost hope. I feel disappointed and let down where people are concerned. Any close relationship I have had, namely ones with my parents and my long term partner (divorced 6 years ago) have been huge disappointments where I invested lots and got nothing back and was totally rejected in the end from both. I feel now that I have been a good mother but my children are grown up and dont need me, I am lonely and isolated and totally unable and/or unwilling to get into new relationships. I hate my job, I am bored stiff, feel completely alone and that theres no meaning in anything for me and that its pretty pointless sticking around.

Theres no reason not to end my life, I hate it anyway


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## Halo (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*



> I feel now that I have been a good mother but my children are grown up and dont need me



I can't speak as a mother but I can speak being an adult child and I can tell you that no matter how old we get we still need our parents.  I will always need my parents for many things and although I may not need them for the smaller things in life, I definitely need them for the larger more indepth decisions in my life.  They are a huge part of my life and without them I honestly don't know where I would be.  Please don't think that just because your children may be out on their own or have lives of their own that they no longer need you....you are their mother and they will always need you.

As for your thoughts of suicide and unhappiness, are you currently seeing a health care professional to help you deal with these issues?  

There is a reason to live just like everyone has a purpose for being on this earth (or that is what I believe) and for some it takes a little while longer to find out what that purpose is.  

I know that times can be extremely hard (and yes I can relate to those difficult times all too well) but you have to hang on if not for yourself than for your kids who really do need you as much as you don't think that they do.

If you think that you are in danger, I would encourage you to call a crisis line or even going to your local hospital for help but the biggest thing is that you don't give up.

As I have heard so many time...suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and if you really think about that saying and its meaning it is true.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting as much as you need :heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## Rocky53 (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Molly...

Jesus loves you so much he died for *YOU*

Seek Him...

Rocky


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## Mari (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

"As for your thoughts of suicide and unhappiness, are you currently seeing a health care professional to help you deal with these issues?"

H! mollyK - please read Nancy's post again - I think it is very valueable and I would just like to add some of my thoughts. The first post I read here today is titled 'Suicide. why not?' on this day that I am struggling with. Today should, could, would be my son's 21st birthday if he had not died by suicide. Sometimes people get so busy with their own lives that they forget to reach out to other people but that does not mean that they do not care or need you. Please reach out to someone. :heart::heart::heart: Mari


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## Halo (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Mari,

Thinking of you on this most difficult day :heart::heart:

Lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:


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## Daniel (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Have you found a therapist yet in your area of the UK, such as one that specializes in client-centered therapy?   

One directory of client-centered therapists I found, which may or may not be helpful:
http://www.allanturner.co.uk/Directory/directy.html

When I have had suicidal thoughts, part of what helped me "ride the wave" of suicidal thoughts was recognizing the generic qualities of my depression:



> 1. The Negative view of self
> 2. The Negative interpretation of experiences
> 3. The Negative expectation of the future
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beck's_cognitive_triad



BTW, if you want someone to call and talk to immediately:



> Samaritans provides confidential non-judgemental support, 24 hours a day for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide.  Samaritans is available to anyone in the UK and Ireland. If you live outside of the UK and Ireland, visit www.befrienders.org to find your nearest helpline.
> 
> Contact by telephone 	08457 90 90 90 (UK) or 1850 60 90 90 (ROI)
> Contact by post 	Chris, PO Box 90 90, Stirling, FK8 2SA
> ...



To reiterate a point made by Halo, if you feel impulsive, you can check into an in-patient hospitalization program to feel and be safe from suicidal impulsiveness.


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## Retired (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Molly,

If you feel you are in danger of carrying out your plan, please call your local emergency service such as 911 in North America.

Have you called a crisis line where you could be pointed in the right direction?

We want to keep you safe until you can explore these feelings with someone, Molly.  When you're alone, these thoughts can become overwhelming, and cloud judgement.

Your life is not a failure as you have given life to your children.  Are you able to contact one of them to come stay with you for a while?


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## Daniel (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*



			
				TSOW said:
			
		

> When you're alone, these thoughts can become overwhelming, and cloud judgement.



Definitely, and it's a sign one really needs to reach out for help: 



			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> If you start to think that suicide is the "answer" to anything at all, that should be the first sign to you and those around you that you are not thinking clearly or rationally and that *you absolutely need therapy and medication*.
> 
> It's really that simple. Because with the possible exception of someone enduring a painful terminal disease with no hope of any possible outcome other than a painful death, the belief that suicide is an "answer" or "solution" to anything is always the result of distorted thinking.
> 
> Considering suicide: Don't let despair obscure other options (PsychLinks)



Part of the distortion with depression and suicidal thinking is the feeling that one is alone and helpless, while the reality is that help and human contact is only a phone call away.


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## ThatLady (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Molly, I have grown kids, too. They get busy with their lives, and I'm glad to see that, even though it means I might not see them as often as I'd like during particularly busy times. When you're feeling down and alone, do you call them? Do you let them know how you're feeling? If we put on an act, it's hard for others to know the truth of our feelings. We have to be truthful, and to reach out for what we need. Otherwise, people will believe we just wish to be left alone, eh?

If you hate your job, maybe it might do some good to put your energy into figuring out why you hate it, what you hate about it, if there's anything you might do to make it more exciting or fullfilling, or if it's time to look for something else that might suit you better at this point in your life.

There are classes you can take online. There are books to be read, and much to be learned - just for the joy of learning. There's a lot out there to relieve boredom, but we have to make the effort to bring these things into our lives. Redirecting our energy toward the positive isn't easy, but it can be done. Therapy often helps with this.

It sounds like you're feeling really down right now, so our words may not penetrate your feelings of isolation easily; however, I hope you'll read them and give it all some thought. We do care about you, and wish you well. We'd like to help you find the help you need. :hug:


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## Auburn (Jul 27, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Dearest molly;

I am so sorry that you are having to try and find your way through this obvious pain you are experiencing.  There were a few things you said that I wanted to mention.  It took me a long time to realize that my happiness could not depend or be dictated by the actions of others.  I had to be the one to decide to be happy or not.  My father had alot to do with my early depression, and when I finally decided not to be let down by him again, that made things alot easier for me.  I decided. 
Your children might be grown, but I can tell you that, from experience, suicide is not the answer.  What it leaves behind are questions, anger, uncertainty and feelings of wrong doing.  The children will always wonder if it was because of them.  And I can tell you, they will carry that forever.
I think you need to look inside you and see that despite many disappointments, you have made it though all of that.  You were a good mother.  DO you know how much that is worth??   Do you know how special that makes you??   Do you see the beauty of your accomplishment with your children??   You should be proud, and stand tall and see that you have a strength that not everyone has.  
I hope you take care of you.  Find someone to talk to.  There are so many avenues that you can take advantage of.  Find a therapist and talk.  I know it doesn't seem like it will help, but I promise, it really does.  Such a simple thing, but sometimes we need someone else to help carry the load.  
Come in often, I have found such wonderful people in here, and they care and offer amazing advice.  Lean on us whenever you need.
Brightest blessings.


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## Mari (Jul 28, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Thank-you Halo...


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## MollyK (Jul 28, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

Thank you everyone for your replies and your care. Its my children that have kept me here this long and I would never do anything to hurt them. The feeling is still there all the time though, that there is nothing about me that I need to live for and that everything is hopeless. I suppose I am my own worst enemy in that I have scarcely enough motivation to get out of bed in the morning, let alone look for other jobs or find a hobby. Actually my work is the only place where I have friends so its not all bad there

I lived through abuse and abandonment when I was a child and it seems like ever since I’ve carried a little girl around that needs to be loved and held and to find someone to trust who is not going to disappear at some point, the trouble is that need is so powerful and disproportionate in an adult and I can never meet it and constantly suppress it. I have actually had a year of psychodynamic therapy which didnt help (it had a cut off date that I thought was way too premature) a short course in CBT, general counselling for 8 weeks but nothing has helped. I now have financial problems that are preventing me from doing yet more therapy, although through the doctor, I may get funding and that’s in the pipeline, but its not a therapy that I would choose, more of the psychodynamic therapy I have already had which didn’t help and made me more depressed. I have an intolerance to anti depressants anyway so cant take them and now I’ve developed high blood pressure so cant take them anyway. 

I’ve always been a ‘smiler’ and a  coper and believe it or not someone who is always there for others and apart from being open on here, no one has a clue how I feel all the time and how alone I feel. Its just that sometimes its too much and overwhelming and I cant carry on.

Sorry if my post was alarmist, I didn’t mean it to be and thanks for listenining


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## Retired (Jul 28, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*



> Sorry if my post was alarmist



Not at all, Molly.  When you begin having thoughts of suicide, the course of action is to let someone know.  By sharing your feelings here, you received another perspective to consider, which, we hope will keep you safe.

There is no shame to admit to feeling rejected and alone, but in times like this our thinking becomes distorted.  

By talking to another person who is willing to listen and who cares, you can get another point of view on your situation, which in turn will help keep you safe.



> Its my children that have kept me here this long and I would never do anything to hurt them.



That would be your primary reason to keep yourself safe..for them.

Thanks for keeping us updated, Molly.


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## Auburn (Jul 28, 2007)

*Re: Suicide. why not?*

You don't ever have to apologize for how you are feeling molly.   That is the wonderful thing about this forum.  I understand your "smiley' analogy and always trying to be there for others.  I know that all too well.  And I know how frustrating and maddening it can make you feel when all you want is someone to love and be there for you.  
Always know that this is a place you can vent and speak openly.  And we will always do our best to help.  Much love dear one.


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## Into The Light (Aug 5, 2007)

you ask, "suicide, why not?"

my answers are

1. it is not death you want. it is relief from all the unbearable pain you are going through.

2. you are loved. your suicide would leave those that love you the most completely shattered, be it children, friends, parents, siblings, etc. losing someone to suicide is far more traumatic than a death due to illness or an accident, and much more difficult to heal from.

3. the wish for death is a part of depression. depression is doing this to you. it is an illness. depression can be overcome. your life is NOT hopeless, no matter how strongly it _feels_ that way.

4. your life is invaluable. you deserve to live just as much as anyone else in this world. you have many talents and much to give. i discovered in my journey from suicidal depression that every person has something to give to others. it's what makes life meaningful. it is in all of us, including you.

there is hope, there is always hope, no matter how hopeless it seems. you might not be able to see it because the depression is clouding your view, but it is true nonetheless.


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## MollyK (Aug 9, 2007)

Its true, I do want relief from pain rather than death, but that relief never comes, hasnt ever and I dont believe ever will now.

I dont feel like I matter that much to anyone and I certainly dont matter to myself. I havent done it yet because I dont want to hurt my children so what does this do? just makes me feel hopelessly trapped. I think there may come a time when its so unbearable I will have no other option and Im close to that now.

I agree that its depression but I am not talking about depression that has been a one off or something that has been a few years even. I have been really struggling with who i am and bouts of depression my whole life...decades! Part of me thinks all the time "the right help is out there" and I may find it, but I feel I have exhausted every avenue of help and I cant see anything different happening in the future. I am afraid to trust anyone, be it therapist or any other form of help, because if they can help, they seem to be there one minute and not the next. Nothing good ever lasts long enough to make a difference.

I have held on to hope for a long time. I want to be peaceful inside more than I want to abandon everything but I dont think there is any hope any more.  I am so very tired of living and struggling on this level all the ****ing time


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## Retired (Aug 9, 2007)

> Part of me thinks all the time "the right help is out there" and I may find it, but I feel I have exhausted every avenue of help



Molly,

Depression is a treatable illness.  Even though you may have had treatments that did not help in the past, there have been significant improvements in treatments, medications and the understanding of the illness in the last five to ten years.

It is not surprising you feel paralyzed by feelings of hopelessness, but Molly, this is a characteristic of the illness and is not necessarily a reflection of reality.



> I haven't done it yet because I don't want to hurt my children



Molly, this is the very reason to seek out medical help for your illness, and to spare the devastation of your loss to your children.  This is the very reason to live, Molly.



> I am afraid to trust anyone, be it therapist or any other form of help, because if they can help, they seem to be there one minute and not the next



Bear in mind that a therapist is a professional whom we consult for medical attention. Although at times we form a close personal bond with our physicians or therapists, we have to remember the relationship is a professional one and not a personal one.

Sometimes these people have to move on for a career move, and usually another competent replacement comes along.   We are seeing these people for their medical expertise, and while we may develop warm feelings toward them, when they are no longer available, we need to move on to the next one.

Can you make a call to get a referral to a mental health professional for a consultation, Molly?


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## MollyK (Aug 9, 2007)

Hi Steve

I didnt really mean I had grown attached to someone (although I do!) I mean something starts to feel like its helping and then doesnt any more, 'something' changes, but people always change, they show support for a moment and then go away, thats what always happens (and I dont just mean therapists but people generally). But I have had therapy that is time limited and it ends before I have even got off the ground.

I am seeing a psychiatrist and have been for a few years now, who asks me how I am at each visit and gives me another prescription for anti depressants, I cant take them and I have had virtually all of them, I have an intolerance to them and I have persevered through the side affects for a couple of months, they make me agitated, shaky, anxious, nauseous, fuzzy headed. this is worse than what I take them for very often and they do nothing to make me feel better. I am now on a waiting list for therapy which is person centred and incorporates elements of CBT which sounds better than the year of psychodynamic therapy I had which made me worse. This is unlikely to start for another 6/9 months though.

The problem is I have this exterior shell that functions, smiles and gets on with everything and no one has a clue about the other side that doesnt cope at all. I have trouble letting people see how terrible I feel, I just fall apart in private. I'm my own worst enemy in that regard because no one sees how bad it is. right now I dont know how I am going to get through tonight. I've got valium so I will take a couple of those and sleep, but I know I will wake up with this terrible feeling in the morning, I always do

You know its quite simple what would really help - love! Just a feeling of support and care. Being held.


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## ThatLady (Aug 9, 2007)

Molly, I wish I could give you a real-world hug! We all need to feel that closeness in our lives. It's certainly not unusual that you should wish to be held. We all do! :hug: :grouphug:

I wish you could get into the CBT therapy faster, but if there's no way that can happen, at least, you can come here. There are people here who care. While we might not be able to hug you in person, we can darn sure care about you and listen when you need to let it all out. In fact, that's what we're here for. :hug:


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## Daniel (Aug 10, 2007)

mollyK said:
			
		

> I am now on a waiting list for therapy which is person centred and incorporates elements of CBT which sounds better than the year of psychodynamic therapy I had which made me worse. This is unlikely to start for another 6/9 months though.



While you are waiting, you may want to go to your library or bookstore to get a CBT book by Dr. Burns:



> Numerous clinical trials have shown that "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," a 1980 tome by Stanford University psychiatrist David Burns, reduces depressive symptoms in large numbers of readers.
> 
> In the U.K., where the wait for professional treatment can stretch six months, the national health system has embraced bibliotherapy as the first line of treatment for non-emergency cases.
> 
> Bibliotherapy: Reading Your Way to Mental Health



Personally, I also find it mood-boosting to watch videos of the best therapists in action, especially videos of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers.



			
				mollyK said:
			
		

> You know its quite simple what would really help - love! Just a feeling of support and care. Being held.



Do you participate in social activities that provide a sense of connection, even if it's just going to a local book club or taking a cooking class?  Worldwide, one way to find local social groups is Meetup.com or looking in the newspaper's lifestyle/weekend/neighborhood section.


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## MollyK (Aug 12, 2007)

I dont feel able to read a paragraph at the moment Daniel. I certainly dont participate in social activities, I havent been able to work this week and have spent most of that in bed... so no to all your suggestions, which may well help if I were in a different place and could implement them


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## Into The Light (Aug 12, 2007)

if you aren't able to read, why not try audio tapes instead? a quick search led me to david burns' website with this information for audiotapes:

http://www.feelinggood.com/audio tapes.htm

scroll down to "Feeling Good: Fast & Effective Treatments for Depression, Anxiety and Therapeutic Resistance" to get information about the right tape. i believe you live in the uk so it might be a thought to order this through your local bookshop.


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## MollyK (Aug 24, 2007)

Thanks Ladybug


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