# Why can't a very attractive guy attract women?



## bookstar

Hello,

I am curious, and I realize that it could very well be many different reasons, but I am considered a man with very attractive looks as many people tell me (I am not bragging), but when I am out to attract women I cannot seam to get looks, hit on, or very many yes's to dates. To make matters more confusing, I have friends that are either less attractive then me, or not attractive at all and they seem to get as many women as they desire. 

I am fairly self-confident. I'm not shy. I am honest and don't come off as phony. I do not brag or talk about myself. I dress and smell good. What am I doing wrong? Are women intimidated by me? Can women read into me somehow? You would think a guy with my looks could get all kinds of women but I have a hard time getting women to talk or look at me. I know I am sending out some sort of bad vibe, but I am trying hard to figure out what exactly it could be. 

How come not very attractive guys tend to get all the women and some of the attractive ones don't?

What is the secret to attracting beautiful women if it is not all about looks? I even see super short guys, 5' or so get some very beautiful women. What is the secret? Any recommended self-help books etc... on this subject?

Any suggestions will be helpful. thank you.


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## David Baxter PhD

bookstar said:
			
		

> I realize that it could very well be many different reasons


That's true, and in a short paragraph it's hard for you to give us enough information to form a helpful answer...



> I am considered a man with very attractive looks as many people tell me (I am not bragging), but when I am out to attract women I cannot seam to get looks, hit on, or very many yes's to dates. To make matters more confusing, I have friends that are either less attractive then me, or not attractive at all and they seem to get as many women as they desire.
> I am fairly self-confident. I'm not shy. I am honest and don't come off as phony. I do not brag or talk about myself. I dress and smell good. What am I doing wrong? Are women intimidated by me? Can women read into me somehow? You would think a guy with my looks could get all kinds of women but I have a hard time getting women to talk or look at me. I know I am sending out some sort of bad vibe, but I am trying hard to figure out what exactly it could be.


I can offer a few suggestions:  First, it is possible that potential dates may be intimidated by men or women who are above-average in looks, although I suspect that in most cases it's something other than looks which is the problem. For one thing, although it may be a cliche, what is attractive to one person may not be attractive to another.

Do you have any close male or female friends who would give you an honest answer about how you come across in a situation where you are trying to meet a woman? I wonder if the impression you give others is (1) too desperate, (2) too shallow (e.g., too focused on appearance and clothing), (3) too self-centered or self-absorbed, (4) too materialistic, etc., etc. As someone said, you only get to make a first impression once so what you say, how you say it, and a variety of other non-verbal cues are critical - you need to get some honest feedback from someone who knows you well...

Another factor may be the women you are trying to attract - if you tend to be attracted to a certain personality style or physical appearance, it may be that those women don't find you attractive for some reason - but that doesn't mean that other women won't. For example, you describe yourself as rather confident and extraverted - if you find you are attracted to women who are more reserved and introverted, they may find you overwhelming.


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## bookstar

*re- attracting women*

Hi . Thank you very much for your reply. It has helped greatly! 

I may have a great looking face, but I think where I struggle having self confidence with women is due to my height. I am 5'7". I feel I am not attractive because of my hieght even though women may think I have a gorgeous face. Maybe that is my problem. I assume women don't look at me or want anything to do with me because of my height.

I have seeked counseling because of it and my counselor tells me that most of the time women are not caring or looking at my height or any man's height in order to find them attractive or desirable, but instead they look at the face/eyes and how well he is in shape first and foremost and then of course personality.

But some women don't like shorter guys because it makes them ?*feel large, or they are tall themselves etc... So, I think maybe it is my insecurities that is showing and women can pick up on that even when I am trying hard not to show it. A man's confidence far out-weighs appearance. 

My problem is whenever I am around women, especially taller women, I feel like they think I am not attractive because of my hieght, then I think I am not attractive, and then my self-confidence deminishes as a result.

How can I just know and feel I am attractive to women despite my height in order to have self-confidence? 

Anyone know of some good methods? How does other shorter guys get all the women? What is their secret? Is it because they are and know that they are just as attractive as taller men because height doesn't have anything to do with physical attraction, and as a result they are *self-confident? 

Any suggestions, affirmations, or self-help books recommended? Anything will be helpful. Thank you so much!


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## David Baxter PhD

You might find these resources helpful, *bookstar*:

Short Persons Support Organization



> Welcome to the Short Persons Support. Our mission is to:
> 
> Support and provide reference material to persons of short stature.
> Raise awareness of the social and economic issues facing short people.
> Provide inspiration to short people to help better their lives and attitudes.
> Short men and women face challenges in their daily lives. Research has shown that short men have fewer opportunities for romantic relationships1, have fewer children2, and on average are paid less3.  Finding adult fashion clothes is difficult. Short women report that they are not taken as seriously as their taller peers.
> 
> In this site you will find information that describes these difficulties and, if you are a short person or parent of a short child, advice to better help you deal with the issues. Short people deserve the same rights and privileges as any other member of society. We hope to help you gain them.
> 
> _Resources_
> This section lists resources that may be useful to short people. There are links to stores that sell clothes and products for short people, pages of advice on relationships, lists of online discussion groups, links to clubs and organizations for short people, various stories & observations and results of monthly opinion polls.
> 
> _News Articles_
> Browse over 300 news articles on being short.
> 
> _Library_
> The Library contains references to 180 books on topics related to short stature.
> 
> _Research_
> Short Persons Support conducts and reports on research about the socioeconomic implications of being short. Use Web-based tools to access some of these research results.
> 
> _Who's Who_
> Throughout history, short people have made outstanding contributions in a wide variety of fields. This section pays tribute to almost 300 short people.
> 
> _The Media_
> The media has often portrayed short people as inferior; their characters one-dimensional. This section lists examples of short people being portrayed fairly and unfairly.
> 
> _Essays_
> We invite our readers to share their thoughts on being short. This is your platform to express to our visitor how you feel, what you have learned and how you cope.


And as a general self-help book for countering negative or self-critical thoughts that may undermine your self-confidence, see:

Burns, David. _The Feeling Good Handbook_. Penguin, 1999


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## Velkyn

*Height don`t matter...*

I`m 6`4", if I don`t show the women by my eyes and inner feelings that I am truely sincere and caring (or some others can maybe fake it) then no go...might as well take out the kraft dinner & chill it even more...I`m no lady killer, but I know the one that don`t work & the one that does...
At default try the absurd comedy, or talking like if you really care...they need to think you give a damn & that their special (some want you to treat them like dirt but not all)...or maybe...lol
But the older they are...the worst they tend to become (only the single ones...or maybe all)
gl


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## sammy

*Re: Height don`t matter...*



			
				Velkyn said:
			
		

> I`m 6`4", if I don`t show the women by my eyes and inner feelings that I am truely sincere and caring (or some others can maybe fake it) then no go...might as well take out the kraft dinner & chill it even more...I`m no lady killer, but I know the one that don`t work & the one that does...
> At default try the absurd comedy, or talking like if you really care...they need to think you give a damn & that their special (some want you to treat them like dirt but not all)...or maybe...lol
> But the older they are...the worst they tend to become (only the single ones...or maybe all)
> gl





> or talking like if you really care



Hmm, as a woman, like many of my gender, we can spot phony talk and be turned off by it.
Maybe best to be genuine, genuinely quiet if not able to think of something real to say.
I can tell you that one of the most attractive things about a man, is.... when he really, genuinely, listens 
I know I'm generalising, but I think stats show that women are better listeners, so if you go against the tide, and _listen_ to women...you never know............


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## andrewell

*attracting women*

Bookstar,

Lots of guys have the same challenge that you do. First, stop putting so much pressure on yourself and the women that you come in contact with. You are right women have terrific "radar" and can smell desparation and neediness a mile away.  For a while just try approaching women for short conversations and just engage them. DO NOT get attached to the outcome just try it for practice, fun. Don't ask for #'s or dates just get comfortable approaching and talking to them. It doesn't matter what happens. Do this for awhile until you get your confidence built up.


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## Kanadiana

Hi Bookstar 

For starters, there's no way I could even assess anything, strictly as a woman myself and a short one at that GRIN...5'!', without knowing what the interactions are when they're happening. I wouldn't even try, but... one thing that occurred to me is that IF you only notice a certain "type" of woman ... maybe you don't happen to "notice"  the looks and longings that are obvious in other women, but if you'd try to become aware of the responses to you in "other types" you may be surprized?? I dunno if I'm off track on this, but  just thought I'd toss it in  How do the one's you aren't typically attracted to respond to you?



> I know I am sending out some sort of bad vibe, but I am trying hard to figure out what exactly it could be...... Any suggestions will be helpful. thank you.



Find out what the "bad vibe" is all about, if a bad vibe exists. Don't judge it, ASSESS it objectively, with a mind to understanding, and go from there. If you are into trying counselling to help you get clearer in yourself, that could help. It's certainly helped me become self-aware and clarify things so that I  could move forward, at times. Counsellors are trained in techniques to help us to "know thyself". Most are great at it. Find someone you're comfy with if you do this.

I wish you well


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## Lana

Hi Bookstar;

I'm a woman on the other side of your coin.  I am tall, 5'10. I am attractive also (even at my age..lol)  However, when in the dating scene (many many years ago, I am now married) I had trouble meeting men, tall or short.  I'm sure that my high heels didn't help either.  

While sometimes it was difficult to see my friends meet men they enjoyed, I was the proverbial wallflower uncomfortable with my height and wishing I were shorter - until I discovered a way that worked wonders for me.  I began to like me.  I liked how I looked.  I liked my height.  I laughed.  I didn't sit by and wait for someone to notice me, I noticed me.  I also made an honest effort not to dismiss anyone around me and treated each one as a potential friend, nothing more.  A simple smile opened doorways to a hello and conversation.  I didn't become discouraged when a new person wasn't Mr. Right, but became curious and excited that it may be Mr. Friend.  And then something happened.  I noticed that others noticed me.  I noticed that when I entered the room, eyes were on me.  And I noticed warm smiles, many smiles.


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## Ash

How wonderful and healthy, Lana!  Congrats!

I firmly believe it's all about how we carry ourselves.  Other people can sense how we feel towards ourselves and it affects our interactions.  It's all about the attitude!  If I feel good about myself and I truly love myself, other people will be drawn to that.  It's not necessarily about looks or money or what-have-you.  People get that wrong too often.  It's about the energy that you give out.

It's also important to not take rejection personally.  If someone isn't attracted to me, they're just not attracted to me.  So what?  There are plenty of people that I'm not attracted to yet it doesn't mean I don't value them.  Does that make sense?


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