# Fixing a friendship with feelings involved



## tomynho (Jan 8, 2012)

Dear forum users, 
I'm new here because I need some help with my friend. 
Don't close this tab because it's a person I've not met yet - but trust me, I'd like to if things went well. 
We've known each other for 5 years. 

BUT. 
Her and I have recently been discussing an incident that happened to us over a month ago. 

It seems like a stupid thing to me, but it seems to have hurt her more than I think. 

Basically, this whole incident started by me staying up late one day before her birthday. I was writing an e-mail to her to wish her a happy birthday exactly at midnight. 

Because we hadn't spoken for 3 days, I decided to talk to her as soon as she got on.* 
I said I have to go - as I was busy.* 
It seemed suspicious to her - leaving as soon as she gets on.* 
She wanted to see if I'm really away as I said I would be, so she removed me from her contact list.* 

A few mins later, I had a weird feeling so I got back - I couldn't believe she was offline, so I talked to our mutual friend that told me it's just me and that my friend is really on.* 
My friend was then told that I'm on and got mad because she thought I lied to her - even though I didn't. 

She basically blocked me and kept me blocked for 3 days. That's when the real incident happened. 

Even though she unblocked me, she still hadn't added me back - I was clueless as I felt like I'm losing her. I decided to get another girl to talk to me in the public chat where my friend was. I hoped that this would make her notice me and talk to me - I was wrong. It was about the worst thing I've done in my life. 

She instead felt as if I'm trying to replace her with someone else and got upset. 
I explained what happened and 4 days later everything seemed okay again...for two weeks.* 

Then someone talked to her from another account I'd previously used a few times - although, she knew it was shared. 

That's when she suspected me of lying about what really happened 2 weeks before this. So we started to discuss it again and again.* 

Once again, we were fine after 4 days.* 
She added me back to her contact list and started to talk to me as if nothing had happened. 

This lasted for two more weeks. Then she brought it up again - because she tried to talk to me in the public (even though we'd been talking in the public for a few hours) and I asked her to talk through private messages, because someone else was around. * 
Then she brought up me not having problems with talking to the other girl in public and got mad again.* 

This happened 3 days ago and I'm helpless.* 
She has trust issues with guys (she told me) so she's very careful. 
I understand it and I respect her as I always have, but I'm clueless. 

Now we're back to "e-mailing only" and she says our friendship may get "more toxic until it all makes sense to her".* 

That's why I'm writing this. I sent her an e-mail 5 hours ago explaining everything that happened that night and prior to it. I've not got a reply yet. 

I'm really clueless and that's why I'm asking you for help.* 

I'm now at high school (soph.), but when I was in elementary/ middle school, I attended special classes because of my IQ being "over 135". 

That's why I have a hard time trusting people below my mental age. 

She's in her early 20s, so I fully trust her and I consider her my best friend. 

Now don't get me wrong, I do have friends in real, but this is a person that's so much like me. 
*The person that makes me happy without even trying and she's the person I'd like to start my new life with - a life away from my friends here, that are not reliable and their interests don't match with mine.* 
Also, my and her life goals, opinions and thoughts are very alike, sometimes even matching. 

I can't imagine our friendship going awry just because of ONE mistake.* 
She's the best person I've ever known - sweet, friendly, helpful, honest, optimistic and kind - even though, straigh-forward. 

Consider all of the above and, please, restrain from trolling or flaming. 

I don't want a friend like her - I want HER to be my frend.* 
And yes, it's sad to say, but I'm in love with her and I'm pretty much willing to do anything. I'm not talking about the "love" that teen girls brag about.* 
This is a strong bond and attachment to her wonderful personality and to who she TRULY is. 


If there's a mature person out there who can relate and help me restore it between us, I'd really appreciate it and I'd be thankful to them. 

Thanks.


----------



## Budoaiki (Jan 9, 2012)

Hi tomynho.

I believe any substantial relationship is built on trust and without honesty, trust will remain elusive as will the relationship. Something that would be difficult under the circumstances you described.

The time always comes when we try to establish trust, wither we test the waters with smaller truths as a show of trust and respect to build a relationship or sometimes we dive straight for the deep end.

The hesitation as you know is from fear of being hurt.

The risks are great but so are the rewards. 

I don't know the extent of you relationship you established with this girl but judging by what you said concerning her reaction (which you've learned from) she cares for you and you for her.

My advice, start with that and see where it takes you.

If she doesn't respond to your e-mail, it will hurt but you can learn from it either way and that knowledge will help to find what you seek.


----------



## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jan 9, 2012)

It is so easy to misunderstand the emotion or "tone" in emails or posting forums like Facebook.  I used FB all the time, but when it comes to speaking to people I will call them or talk and socialize in person.  How far away are you two?  Is it long distance?  Is there any reason you can't just go out, the two of you, for coffee, or to a book store, or some other place just to socialize _away_ from the internet???

It seems silly or even futile, in my opinion, to text someone when you can call them and talk in person.  And it seems just as silly when the person you are trying to communicate with is in the same city as you and you don't even socialize in real life.  It makes more sense if it is a long distance relationship, because it saves money on long distance calling, etc, but why not use Skype or something to talk to each other then?   Video chat??


----------



## tomynho (Jan 9, 2012)

The distance? Let's say...Overseas. I'm not the type who's into "e-dating" or whatever and I wouldn't do it unless I know the person "in real" and it's just a temporary option before we meet up. 
I'll try to talk her into getting Skype overtime, when it's fully sorted. 

We've kind of sorted it, but it's difficult to earn trust back.

I feel like an idiot. I used whie lies to appease her because I didn't want to hurt her, even though I should've been honest right away. Now that I've told her the truth, it turns out it's all sorted for good and we're, of course, still friends. I feel stupid. I didn't mean to lie. I really didn't want to. But I still did. The "fib" that I told was that it was a random person, even though, it was someone I'd known for a few days back then.

Earning trust back will possibly be the most difficult part and I hope it's not impossible.

Thanks for your replies.


----------



## making_art (Jan 10, 2012)

Welcome Tomynho,

Just to add to your discussion here is another thought: You may not like to hear this but I am thinking that as a sophomore you are 15-16 yrs old (or younger ?) and your friend is in her early 20's. Is that 21, 22, 23 or 24? 

Age can have an effect on your relationship because most young women in their early 20's would not be interested in anything more than a friendship with someone this young for a couple of reasons. One being age of consent. If she is a teacher or otherwise in a position of power that also has legal ramifications. The third reason is that there is most likely a large gap between your maturity level and hers through life experience alone. Along with that at 15-16 you still have a lot of physical changes that may be in the process of taking place.

I just don't want to see you get hurt because you have expectations for this relationship that she does not have.


----------



## tomynho (Jan 11, 2012)

make_art said:


> Welcome Tomynho,
> 
> Just to add to your discussion here is another thought: You may not like to hear this but I am thinking that as a sophomore you are 15-16 yrs old (or younger ?) and your friend is in her early 20's. Is that 21, 22, 23 or 24?
> 
> ...



Thanks for your reply. I've considered all of the above.
I've done some research on the age of consent and I'm lucky, because it's 16 - which is my age.

Also, I'm talking about a friendship here, even though, a close friendship. At least that's the way it's been.

Distance could be another issue, but like I said, I'm not talking about a relationship. It's an anusual question / problem, but I always consider all the circumstances, as I'm a realist most of the time.


----------

