# They've returned



## AmZ (Dec 6, 2012)

The suicidal thoughts have returned. 

I'm fed up of my own situation, 2 years in hospital, another 8 months before then with this breakdown. Running out of steam and determination. 

Then all I see around me is my loved ones suffering also because they see me suffering. I don't want other people to suffer because I am suffering. 

My dad says to me, we may not have your illness but we are suffering as much as you are. Day in day out. 

I've just really had enough of it and think that I'm better off not being in their lives any more. Just end the suffering for everyone. 

Feel like I'm a disease that is hanging over everyone's heads all the time. Bad enough to be that disease, let alone to spread it to other people.


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## Retired (Dec 6, 2012)

> My dad says to me, we may not have your illness but we are suffering as much as you are. Day in day out.



This response is egocentric, inconsiderate and completely inappropriate on your father's part, considering your illness and the fact you are looking for support from family.

His response should be ignored and he should be told if he cannot be understanding and supportive, he should not say anything at all.

I'm sorry for the frankness of my response, AmZ  but it's obvious you are struggling and in need of support and direction, but you can do without family members whining to you about their problems when you are the one in need of support.

Can you see that your father is making *your* illness about him? 

 Totally inappropriate, in my opinion.


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## MHealthJo (Dec 6, 2012)

You are not a disease Amz.

If those are the words he used especially - also if he's bringing those thoughts to you instead of focusing on supporting you - and depending probably on some nonverbal communication factors also, what your dad said could have acted as a  trigger for times when you have been made to feel like a burden, inconvenient, or not wanted.

No one should be made to feel that way but depending on the knowledge or emotional intelligence or coping skills or strength level of family members (which we cannot control and are not responsible for), as well as our own vulnerable spots, these feelings can come.

Has your therapist offered ideas about this type of feeling and how you might approach it?


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## AmZ (Dec 6, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I have to say that I agree with what you have both said. 

This is why I've been so closed for all of my life, because of getting reactions like this. I feel like not only am I weak, but the people that could be there to support me are weak too. Sometimes even weaker than me!!! 

So I battled things alone in my own head. 

Now it's all come out and I've been totally honest about my thoughts and actions over all of these years, I'm really trying to reach out and get support and for my loved ones to get a better understanding of me... But to be honest, things were easier the other way around. 

My sister has gone AWOL on me the last few weeks since things got even worse with me. (And I feel even more alone). My dad says that she probably just doesn't know what to say or do. I'm not saying it should be easy for her, and she has her own issues and nobody's perfect... But I can't seem to win either way. 

I feel like now I've caused them too much pain and worry so THEY are now the ones backing off. 

My mum has gone AWOL too. I've tried to call her nearly every day for the last two weeks and she doesn't pick up the phone. She's at home all of the time and my call shows up as international so she knows it's probably me calling. The last email I got from her said that she apologises that she hasn't been in touch with me - reason being is that she's worried she'll do even 'worse' for me and maybe it's best that she say nothing at all aka goodbye relationship with my mother!

Then I feel like going back in to my shell again. Like I'm just a disease like I spoke about. A waste of time and energy. Hopeless. Helpless. Too messed up to be ever repaired. Not a good sister, daughter or auntie. Just causing pain on to other people. 

It's better if I just shut my mouth and get on with it alone. 

Jo, hi... I'll speak about it with my therapist. We never seem to have enough time to cover things even though we meet three times a week. 

My therapist called me today and apologised, saying that we need to cancel our session today because she's sick. 

I haven't seen her since last Wednesday now and I've been missing out on the sessions. 

It's messed up. On one hand I want to just be alone and fight this by myself, like I did for a long time... And on the other hand, I'm being told to open up and share how I am feeling etc. I both want to be alone but I also want support and help from the people closest to me. 

Like the other day when my dad and his wife visited me at the hospital. On one hand I just wanted to be alone in my bed. Shut off and away from everybody. And on the other hand, I wanted company and support that I always complain I haven't got. Maybe it's just my own messed up head.


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