# The Strange Comfort of Depression



## David Baxter PhD (Oct 29, 2011)

*The Strange Comfort of Depression*
by John Folk-Williams 
Oct 28th 2011

One of the obstacles I ran into while trying to recover from depression  was a kind of siren call. I came to realize that at some point I had  become strangely comfortable with the illness. Even while working hard  to get over it, I had also been working hard, half consciously, not to  change.

That was a thought I did not at all want to accept, but at some level  it rang true. There was a perverse lure that made it easy to sink into  depression rather than fight my way out of it.

There had been a certain comfort when I'd figured out that depression  was far more pervasive than I'd ever imagined. The condition accounted  for so many of the problems I had long taken as proof of how empty I  was. Knowing myself as a depressed person was a big step up from knowing  myself as a worthless one.

 There was a big risk in the change I would have to go through to find  another me - a recovered one. Even though I yearned to be free of the  suffering, emotionally I was telling myself: I'm not ready yet.

 I didn't understand depression all at once. There were key moments  when I suddenly grasped new dimensions of the condition. Each of them  helped seal me into a depressed - and passive - identity.

 The  first was simply finding out in my twenties that part of what I was  going through was called depression by a bona-fide psychiatrist. The  word wasn't just a general part of my vocabulary anymore. It was  official. As far as I understood at the time, though, that referred to  periods of bleak moods, loss of energy and motivation and occasional  suicidal thinking. No one mentioned any other symptoms. The  psychiatrists I saw seemed to regard depression as a side issue.

 The important thing was to get to the depths of family history,  trauma and all the hidden influences that had shaped me. In that  context, depression could even be useful as a stimulus to probe more  deeply into the "real" issues. Nobody talked about medication or any  other special treatment unless I was in a full-blown crisis.

 Much later, I realized that depression was a more serious and  pervasive problem than I had thought. It may seem strange to say that,  but I had convinced myself that the dark moods were a relatively minor  problem. I thought I was highly functional most of the time, even when  it became obvious to everyone close to me that I was in trouble.

 Depression, I now found, accounted for problems of mental clouding,  lack of focus, slowed thinking and talking, intense anxiety and many  other symptoms. The relief in that moment came from understanding that I  wasn't the only one going through this. Those mind- and will-crippling  symptoms weren't evidence of my inadequacy as a person. Instead, all  these problems came together in the illness of depression.

 The next eye-opener was that periods of depression had no cause in  immediate experience. I believed it was the background condition of my  life. It was always there and would keep on returning.

 There was a strange security and comfort in having this bad news. I  knew, or believed, that I had found the answer. I was a depressed person  for life. That's who I was.

 It was painful, to be sure, but this identity gave me answers for  everything I went through. I had constructed a home where I lived with  depression. We were on intimate terms. It made me desperate at times,  and I couldn't understand how it could keep returning and ruining so  much that I tried to do. I'd scream at it, but always felt - that's me,  and that's it. Nobody can end it, so I have to accept a life of constant  struggle.

 That certainty was my comfort.

 But another mind-flip suddenly made life much more complicated. There  was a different way to look at this. How could I possibly get back to  real living if I didn't put myself at the center of recovery and stop  waiting for "treatment" to take care of me? That was the beginning of  real change, but the idea was both empowering and scary.

 How would this work? Why did I imagine that I could trust the  progress I might make? Would this turn out to be false hope once again?  At times I was a determined warrior steadily advancing. At times I was  afraid of the future and made a cautious retreat. My fallback position  wasn't so bad. I'd read many stories about people who had come to terms  with lifelong depression, even finding a spiritual meaning to their  lives. Surely, I could live with that.

 I may never know exactly how or why I changed for the better and for  the first time trusted recovery. But at least I got out of the trap of  comfort that might have prevented me from trying.


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## Daniel (Oct 29, 2011)

> Each of them helped seal me into a depressed - and passive - identity.



And people with depression tend to have simplistic, overgeneralized self-schemas to begin with:



> Self-schemas of depressed patients contain many more negative attributes than those of nondepressed patients and are generally less complex in their organization....
> 
> ~ *The Self in Emotional Distress
> *


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## JennyS (Oct 29, 2011)

Very vulnerable and and powerful post.

Many condition can become the the familiar, the normal.

Depression
Anxiety
Addictive Behavior
Hoarding
Phobias
etc.

All can seem better than the unknown alternative.
From the outside, another can see this issue.

The problem is the person going through depression cannot afford to see this truth.
It's would be like being asked to loose yourself, in a sense like dying.
The Depression exists for a reason, for a good reason (seemingly).

As most people on this forum know, depression is a long term issue to deal with.
Assuming it isn't chemical based and mostly due to thoughts,
it takes a long time to deal, even with a sustained focus on it.

But it's that focus that is constantly lost by people that perpetuates the depression.
There is a dance of "avoid it, then embrace" and experience and understand the feelings when the depression is present.

In this case the solution is counter intuitive.
_One must make friends with their depression._

Depression is in fact there to protect.
Depressions is there to help.
Depression is that friendly wound that is feared and hated.

The pushing it away, hating it, medicating it, unfortunately gives it power (as a sub personality).
Integrating that part is the only way for long term catharsis.


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## Daniel (Oct 29, 2011)

> Depression is in fact there to protect.
> Depressions is there to help.
> Depression is that friendly wound that is feared and hated.



Similarly:



> When you are struggling with a psychological issue, ask yourself what  parts of you are involved. Which part feels a certain emotion that cause  problems for you? Which part is acting in a way that doesn’t work for  you? Remember that these parts are actually trying to help and protect  you. Choose one of them and see if you can understand what it is trying  to do for you, or what pain it is trying to protect you from. Make  friends with it.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...ed-to-know-about-the-family-in-your-mind.html



Personally, I found the self-help publications on Internal Family Systems (IFS) to be rather confusing concerning implementation.  But I soon saw that it reminded me of the work of Neil Fiore, who does not specifically mention that therapy but uses it in a way:



> Consider that many forms of shame and depression may be ancient (mammal  brain) survival mechanisms to keep us from fighting in situations where  we can't win and to maintain social structure, such as bowing to those  in power. Use your new human brain to maintain your worth, consider your  higher values, and override any lower brain archaic reactions that no  longer fit.
> 
> Use the symptoms of procrastination, ambivalence, or indecision -- the  inner conflict between two primitive parts, "You have to" versus "I  don't want to" -- to evoke your new human brain's unique ability to  choose what to do and to take responsibility for the consequences.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/resource...4-tips-for-awakening-your-strongest-self.html


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 29, 2011)

Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression

Somehow this blog seems to fit "here"...


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## Daniel (Nov 24, 2011)

Has Depression Become Part of Your Identity? - Storied Mind

...Something changes as you go through recurring episodes and perhaps find that treatment isn’t getting the job done. You start to think of depression as part of who you are. As Karp puts it, you develop a depression identity. Then you need to find a way of living with it indefinitely. Karp finds that people tend to go in one of two broad directions as they adapted to the chronic illness.

Some accepted depression as their dominant condition that was occasionally interrupted by periods of partial recovery. Others believed the opposite, that they were basically healthy but sometimes got depressed. They tended to recover completely after each episode and believed that the recovery periods could be extended into a permanent state.

However, these were not static beliefs. Each person went through critical times when new crises or information forced them to redefine themselves and also reinterpret their previous experience. These are a few of the typical identity problems they dealt with, as many of us do...


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## Budoaiki (Nov 26, 2011)

Kind of like a comfy old blanket or piece of clothing that's stained or worn to tatters but your reluctant to throw away because it's comfy and familiar.


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 26, 2011)

I think this is a big part of my problem. It's more comfortable being sick than being well. Who would I be if i were well? I don't know. Maybe there would be no me.


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## Budoaiki (Nov 26, 2011)

Hi CD,

I think it is very important to differentiate between your condition (being sick or being well) and who you are. 

There are lessons to be learned from any hardship but in my opinion we can't truly appreciate them until we apply them and in my experience wellness helps us to see as well as achieve our true potential.


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## Daniel (Dec 17, 2011)

When The Patient Walks Through The Door
by Barry Brody, PhD 
8/10/09; Retrieved 12/17/11

...There is a certain security in believing that we are constant.  That we are who we are.  That there is no more to discover about ourselves.  We all desperately cling to our unchanging life circumstances as a sense of security, even if our lives are dull and unsatisfying.  There is a certain sense of security in knowing that this is the way it’s supposed to be.

Another view is that life is not constant, nor are we.  That there is an endless supply of the “real stuff” waiting to be discovered. And that the only constants are objects–chairs, trees, etc...


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