# Stopped talking



## desiderata (Oct 16, 2011)

I haven't communicated with my wife verbally in more than a week. We will send e-mails about our schedules, the kids, etc. We work different schedules and don't see each other until the weekends.
   I have caught her in a couple of little "white lies." Nothing serious but enough to break the trust bond.
   To me that's as equally important as communication in a relationship. Not having either one of these ingredients is poison.
   I have the choice to make ammends but* don't *like the same old arguement that comes up about the misunderstandings we have with each other.
   I know we will make it through this and hopefully come out of it even stronger but the "here and now" is painful.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 16, 2011)

Why on earth do you two not see each other until the weekend??  Does one of you work nights and the other work day shift??  How long has that been going on?  I wouldn't want to do that, I would miss my husband too much.  He would miss me, too...

Have you thought of taking a vacation together, or even couples therapy??


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## Yuray (Oct 17, 2011)

Maybe its time to change '_the same old argument' _and find a new topic to argue about, such as "why do we argue'. If you can't figure out why the argument is always the same, then its time for some 3rd party input.
Flexibility is just as important as trust and communication. Have you considered taking the high road and allow her to win the argument by default?



> I know we will make it through this and hopefully come out of it even stronger but the "here and now" is painful.


Is she of the same mind?


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## Choice83 (Oct 17, 2011)

> I have the choice to make ammends but* don't *like the same old arguement that comes up about the misunderstandings we have with each other.



Maybe she think the same and that is why she is using "white lies"? I'm the last person on the world who thinks that lies are justified in any case, but maybe she doesn't want to hurt Your feelings in the same way You don't want to argue. However You should talk, because ignoring the problems doesn't make them go away. 

I've had a phase in my life recently when I was blaming my work for everything. I was working extra hours, evening shifts, and I didn't had a patients or energy to see or talk to anyone, not even my boyfriend. But each time he asked me to see each other, I would say that I can't find time for him because of my obligations. After a week or two, he told me that there is always time for the beloved ones if You really want to have time. And believe me, he is right. You can always find an hour or two to talk with Your partner, every day. 

Just try to analyze Your day. Did You have half an hour yesterday to talk with Your spouse? Or sending an e-mail to her was a bit easier task to do?


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## desiderata (Oct 17, 2011)

Yes, we do work separate shifts.

---------- Post added at 01:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:03 AM ----------

She may not see the same picture as I do.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 17, 2011)

Of course nobody sees the same as someone else.  You are different from each other, distinct personalities.  Your past experiences were different, so you interpret things differently.  If the differences are that far apart, perhaps you need to go to couples counseling.  If she is not seeing things as they really are, or is trying to twist things to make you accept things as they really are not, that is also a good reason to go to counseling.   A counselor can act as an interpreter and a mediator and observe things objectively and get to the heart of the matter without all the extraneous details that don't matter.

Have you asked her to go to counseling yet?  If she doesn't go, I suggest going without her.  You can tell her it is because you love her, and you want to save your relationship, and that is why you are going.  

In the meantime, if you can, it might strengthen your relationship simply by one of you compromising and changing your shifts so that you can at least see each other in the morning or the evening.   Does it matter who changes as long as something in the relationship changes for the better?


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