# Not sure where to put this



## just mary (Jun 11, 2005)

I'm just a bit curious and I apologize if this offends anyone.   It's regarding "sex between partners".  I won't go into details but my husband has said in the past that of the men he's asked, they all say that they have sex three to four times per week.  How do I convince my husband  that these men are quite possibly lying?  Why do men say things like that to each other?  Is it some sort of posturing?  Or is it that whole "evolutionary psychology" thing, one male is saying to the other "don't even think of having sex with my partner, I've been there lots and any offspring are probably mine, so don't waste your time."  

I already feel stupid for posting this, but I'm not going to stop now.

Thanks.


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## just mary (Jun 11, 2005)

I'm just a bit curious and I apologize if this offends anyone.   It's regarding "sex between partners".  I won't go into details but my husband has said in the past that of the men he's asked, they all say that they have sex three to four times per week.  How do I convince my husband  that these men are quite possibly lying?  Why do men say things like that to each other?  Is it some sort of posturing?  Or is it that whole "evolutionary psychology" thing, one male is saying to the other "don't even think of having sex with my partner, I've been there lots and any offspring are probably mine, so don't waste your time."  

I already feel stupid for posting this, but I'm not going to stop now.

Thanks.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 12, 2005)

No need to feel stupid.

I'm not sure why statistics like this one are so interesting to certain people but they are totally meaningless.

First, as you say, these are self-report statistics where there is no good reason to believe that they are accurate. I recall a study probably back in the 60s or 70s where partners in long term marriages were asked -- individually -- how often they had sexual intercourse. In general, the women's estimates were higher than the men's estimates. Remember, these were men and women who were married to each other. If I recall correctly, the context was couples seeking marital counselling so there was some dissatisfaction. One suggestion from the authors was that the men wanted more sex and therefore underestimated the frequency while the women felt hounded for sex and therefore overestimated the frequency. Whatever the explanation, the discrepancy is interesting.

Second, no statistic, even if the accuracy could be determined, has any real meaning to an individual relationship. In both men and women, there are large individual variations in libido, both from one person to another and over time for any given individual.

Third, yes I think there is an element of that "locker room mentality" in many discussions between men about their sexual prowess. How many discussions do you think men have among themselves about how often they take Viagra? But somebody must be buying all those prescriptions... the drug company selling the product seems to be doing quite well.

The only meaningful piece of information is whether both partners are satisfied with the quantity AND QUALITY of their sexual interactions, or whether one or both are dissatisified.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 12, 2005)

No need to feel stupid.

I'm not sure why statistics like this one are so interesting to certain people but they are totally meaningless.

First, as you say, these are self-report statistics where there is no good reason to believe that they are accurate. I recall a study probably back in the 60s or 70s where partners in long term marriages were asked -- individually -- how often they had sexual intercourse. In general, the women's estimates were higher than the men's estimates. Remember, these were men and women who were married to each other. If I recall correctly, the context was couples seeking marital counselling so there was some dissatisfaction. One suggestion from the authors was that the men wanted more sex and therefore underestimated the frequency while the women felt hounded for sex and therefore overestimated the frequency. Whatever the explanation, the discrepancy is interesting.

Second, no statistic, even if the accuracy could be determined, has any real meaning to an individual relationship. In both men and women, there are large individual variations in libido, both from one person to another and over time for any given individual.

Third, yes I think there is an element of that "locker room mentality" in many discussions between men about their sexual prowess. How many discussions do you think men have among themselves about how often they take Viagra? But somebody must be buying all those prescriptions... the drug company selling the product seems to be doing quite well.

The only meaningful piece of information is whether both partners are satisfied with the quantity AND QUALITY of their sexual interactions, or whether one or both are dissatisified.


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## just mary (Jun 12, 2005)

Thanks Dr. Baxter.  I understand what you're saying, especially about statistics.  I guess I just find it bothersome when K. comes home and tells me how often so and so do this or that and he believes them.  Thanks again.


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## just mary (Jun 12, 2005)

Thanks Dr. Baxter.  I understand what you're saying, especially about statistics.  I guess I just find it bothersome when K. comes home and tells me how often so and so do this or that and he believes them.  Thanks again.


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