# What am I feeling?



## foghlaim

didn't know ( as usual) what to put as a header to this.

i'm wondering if others feel as i do. ( maybe at times for others)
since i came out of hospital, i feel , hard to describe.. right word just isn't there for me, 
i think flat might be it, don't know.
i'm not as low as i was, but then i don't feel up or really down, somwhere in the middle i think. i get no joy out of anyting i do, no sense of acomplishment, nothing. it's like everything is just automatic.. i do something, take a rest then do something else. my thought are still much the same as they always were, tho i try and distract myself.. 

i'm fed up with this feeling.. and don't know if it's the meds or me. 

foghlaim


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## Cat Dancer

*Re: what am i feeling*

That sounds like anhedonia. It might not be that. I'm sure it could be other things as well. But anhedonia is part of depression. 

I found this article: Anhedonia: when life loses its bite

Written by: Colin Brennan, medical journalist 

*Anhedonia, the inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences* - a concept first identified in the 1890s - is throwing new light on depression in ground breaking research at the Institute of Psychiatry, London.

Anhedonia was largely ignored throughout the 20th Century in favour of more obvious symptoms of depression, which include 'low' mood, poor concentration, tiredness, disturbed appetite and sleep, feelings of guilt and suicidal thoughts. But since the late 1980s, anhedonia has been recognised as a core symptom of depression, and is also present in schizophrenia and other mental disorders.

It is best described by examples. An anhedonic mother gains no joy from playing with her baby, a footballer is no longer excited when his team wins, a teenager is left unmoved by passing their driving test.

*Anhedonia and depression* 

Not everybody suffering from depression has anhedonia, according to Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Tonmoy Sharma of the Maudsley Hospital, London. Many people who go into mild depression can be cheered by 'tea and sympathy'. But in severe depression anhedonia becomes a serious problem.

'It's worse than not being able to get any joy from life,' says Dr Sharma. 'People in this state have an incredibly flat mood. They can't react properly or feel anything. There is no modulation of mood at all. They can't take things forward.'

more here


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## Cat Dancer

*Re: what am i feeling*

I found too, that coming out of the hospital was almost disorienting. It's hard to explain, but everything seemed so different and I wanted even more to retreat within myself. 

And I wonder if some medications could cause that feeling? 

I just thought that article about anhedonia was interesting. It could be that or something else. Hopefully Dr. Baxter will have more insight.


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## Halo

*Re: what am i feeling*

Hi foghlaim,

I can completely relate to what you are saying and feeling...or is it not feeling.

Anyway, Janet that you for that post as I had never heard of anhedonia before. I read the article and wow did it resonate with me. It was like reading how I felt on a page. Too many times there are good things going on in my life and things that I "should" be happy about or things that I am about to do but I just don't feel that inside excitement. Like there can be great jokes or stories being told and I just stare at the person with not much of a reaction. Another example is knowing that I am going on vacation or going on a roadtrip (these things use to be very exciting for me)....I don't even get excited, not a flicker. I always thought that it might be the medication dulling my senses. I do have to admit that I have moments (very brief) were I will have something witty and intelligent to say or I hear something funny and I will laugh but not a seriously good laugh, just a chuckle and even at that most times it is forced. 

I don't know if this relates at all to what you are describing foghlaim but I felt like it could be.

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim

Janet: thanks for the article, and yes it's very interesting.. could be describing me there. and i can't even pronounce the word. 




> I don't know if this relates at all to what you are describing foghlaim but I felt like it could be.


 Nancy: I could just copy every word you have written... but suffice to say that yes it really relates big time!.
most of my responses to anything are learned responses, from yrs of practice, that is my responses out herein the real world. at least here i can be honest and say what i feel.
and i'm glad that others share the same\similar feeling.

thank ye both for responding, appreciate it.


Dr. B have u any insight to offer, comment maybe?


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## just mary

Hi foghlaim,

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. When I read your post I was reminded of dysthymia, kind of a low grade depression. Anyway I found the following information on the web site: 
Mood Disorders Society of Canada (http://www.mooddisorderscanada.ca/depression/dysthymia.htm). 

I'm not sure how it differs from Anhedonia - maybe dysthymia is less severe??

*Dysthymia* is a mild form of chronic depression, which leaves a person living a life where objectively they function reasonably but lack a sense of competence and self worth. Dysthmia literally means “ill humoured” and captures well the subjective and objective experience of the disorders. Life lacks color and definition. A person suffering from dysthymia has a marked inability to derive pleasure from events or stimuli previously found pleasurable. Life lacks joy, colour, vibrancy, and pleasure. People with dysthymia tend to be irritable, self-critical, and ruminated about past events, disappointments, or personal slights. Overtime people with dysthymia become socially withdrawn and isolated. This is likely because of their inability to derive or give pleasure within social relationships. 

Many people with dysthymia are unaware that they suffer from a treatable condition and will seek relief through alcohol and drugs, which only compounds their problem. This disorder robs people of life’s pleasures and it can steal away their life. Research experts estimate anywhere from 3 to 12 percent of people with dysthymia end their suffering through suicide. 

It is estimated that about three to five percent of the general population suffer from dysthymia and is slightly more prevalent among women than men. Children, teens and the elderly can experience dysthymia but their mood will more often be irritable than depressed. For some it has been a life long experience, others report a single or multiple episodes over their lifetime. Some people go on to develop a major depressive disorders or others developing dysthymia following an acute episode of depression. This is important to note because it may be that there has been an incomplete response to treatment. 

Dysthymia has been called many things including: neurotic depression, minor depression, intermittent depression, and depressive personality. In the past, it was felt this disorder was fairly fixed part of temperament but research supports the benefits of getting treatment. Getting a diagnosis of dysthymia can now open the door to relief from suffering 

*How is a diagnosed of dysthymia made?* 

To receive a diagnosis of dysthymia a depressed mood must be present for over two years, occurring on an almost daily basis, and with at least two of the following symptoms:

Poor appetite or overeating; 
Insomnia or oversleeping; 
Fatigue or low energy; 
Low self-esteem, 
Poor concentration 
Problems in decision making; 
Hopelessness. 
What causes dysthymia?

The exact cause of dysthymia is not known. Like other depressive conditions may be precipitated by the interaction of a number of factors:

Research has indicated that individuals can inherit a predisposition to develop depressive conditions. Individuals who have family members who have suffered from depression may have an increased risk of contracting such disorders themselves. 

Imbalances or impaired functioning in the brain chemistry is associated with mood and changes in brain neurotransmitters can have an effect on thoughts, emotions and behavior. 

Environmental factors may also give rise to depressive conditions. Disappointment, stress and/or trauma resulting from such things as unemployment, personal failure or tragedies, and family breakdown, can all precipitate depression. 

Psychological factors may contribute to the development of depression. For example, behavioral explanations have suggested that depression may be a product of "learned helplessness" that arises from a repeated loss of positive reinforcement and a, perhaps, increased rate of negative life events among other things. 

The way in which one views the world can worsen depression by maintaining negative and/or unrealistic beliefs and attitudes about one’s self, the people around us and what the future holds. 

The success in treating dysthymia with antidepressant medication suggests it may have biological underpinnings. Researchers are currently exploring possible immunology, hormonal and neurotransmitter connections to dysthymia. 

*How is dysthymia treated?*

The treatment for dysthymia is similar to the treatment of major depression and research shows that it requires just as aggressive a course and length of treatment. A combination of treatments is found to have the greatest effect. 

Medication: Research shows a positive response to antidepressant medication, especially to the newer generation of drugs such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor and Serzone. 

Cognitive Therapy: A unique form of talk therapy, cognitive therapy helps you understand how your thoughts affect your feelings and your feelings drive your behaviour. Research suggests that cognitive therapy can help help to treat depression and prevent illness relapse. Accessing cognitive therapy is difficult in more urban areas and often impossible in rural communities. However there are some excellent self-directed cognitive therapy handbooks available to guide you.

Interpersonal Therapy: A relatively new form of brief individual psychological therapy, IPT has been demonstrated to be effective in treating dysthymia. IPT focuses on treating dysthymia by addressing interpersonal relationship problems associated with, or affected by the depressive mood. It is based on the belief that strengthening patients' social support systems enhances their ability to cope. Ultimately, this helps to alleviate the depression.

Peer support- Learning more about your disorder and seeking information and support in how cope with a mood disorders has been found to have a positive impact on recovery and prevention of relapse.


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## foghlaim

thank you Mary for the article,, i will be asking my psych about both these conditions and see where exactly i am. altho i have to say i am inclined to go with the 1st one myself. but you could be right also. 

thanks 

foghlaim


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## David Baxter PhD

NSA, anhedonia might well be what you're experiencing but it's probably a bit more complex than that. That is one of the symptoms of depression and there's no doubt that one of the things you struggle with is major depression. In your case you're also battling high anxiety, which over time can have an emotional numbing effect. Additionally, you have just started some new medications which will take time for you to adapt to. Any and all of these things can make you feel "blah", numb, distant from yourself and others, lacking interest in or enthusiasm for things that you used to enjoy.

What I'm saying is that this is part and parcel of what you're already being treated for. You may experience ups and downs like this for a while. That isn't unusual and isn't cause for alarm.

As for the difference between anhedonia and dysthymia:

*Anhedonia* is a symptom of depression, characterized by loss of pleasure or joy, loss of interest in things that used to be pleasurable.

*Dysthymia* is a disorder - basically chronic mild depression.


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## foghlaim

thanks David: i'm glad you replied as i didn't really know what was going on with me. Now that u have explained in plain language, i understand a bit more and will have take it as it comes. it did have me worried tho, i thought something else was gone wrong! there seem to be so many elements of depression that we don't hear about until someone talks or posts about them. 

so thanks again David, Janet and Mary.
appreciate the time and effort in finding and posting the articles above.

nsa


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## Rosa

just wanted to say I'm glad your back...I missed you around here. 
As always
Rosa


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## foghlaim

It's been a few days now since i wrote the above, and while i have wanted to "talk" to someone about what's happening with me, i couldn't find the right words.. or even how or what way to say what's on my mind.

even now as i attempt to type this, I'm thinking this is going to sound so stupid or ridiculous..

on the outside, to other people, I'm behaving as if things have returned to normal, why? because for some it's expected, for others it's to stop them worrying about me. 
but on the inside i feel horrible, I'm living two lives again, not what i wanted to do at all, but I'm doing it just the same. and i know this is partly what got me into this mess in the first place.. living for yrs denying i had any problems. already I'm on a downer because of what i Know I'm doing. Not feeling anything, happy, joy etc. doesn't help. I still do what needs to be done because it needs to be done, i.e.,.. dinner, fix a drainpipe.. usual stuff.. 

I was reading an old diary last night and i had a major episode of depression in '91 not that i knew it then, hindsight can be a good thing.. i think. anyway reading through it, all the stuff i have been through in the past couple of months, it's all there, panic attacks, feeling desperately low etc., but back then i had 5 kids to take care of, so didn't seek any professional advice. Once i remember going to a doc about not being able to breath, he told me i had asthma. Anyway point of all this?? i can remember all the joy being gone out of my life and living\existing only because i had the kids to keep me here. 

Now I'm back to living two lives and i don't want to... (habit i suppose) but this time the suicidal thoughts are coming up more frequent, because if i can't get any lift, happiness ect. while I'm getting help, what's the point in continuing??? 
also i have self injured in the past cpl of days, just so i could feel something and maybe release some tension that is building, i know in this respect i have gone backwards.

am i still just depressed or finally gone off me rocker??? 

sorry this is so long... probably doesn't even make any sense anyway..
but I've been wanting to let say this for a day or two.

thanks for the space
nsa


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## Halo

Hi NSA,

I can relate exactly. When I was reading your post I was thinking to myself that it could well have been me that wrote that. I understand the not knowing what you feel (if anything) and also about feeling that you live two separate lives. I do the same thing again probably out of habit. I am one person to the rest of the world (i.e. friends, parents, work etc.) and when I am alone with myself or on this forum I am me...good or bad...just me. I only feel safe enough to express my real feelings on here and not with anyone else in real life. I shelter others from the real me because if they really knew who I was then they would either a) worry excessively about me; b) feel sorry for me or c) be scared away and not understand me. Those are the reasons that I don't open up to others and keep everything to myself (and you guys). 

Anyway so back to you NSA (sorry I rambled on but I just wanted to let you know know that you are not alone at all). I really feel for you and unfortunately I don't have any great wisdom to share as if I did I would probably use it on myself. I do hope that you keep yourself safe and you have at least a few people that you can lean on. And finally, remember that you always have us for support. I am always here for you.

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim

thank you for identifying with me Nancy... can i ask u, does it bother you that you live two seperate lives.. i understand the reasons as u can see from my previous post, but ifeel it's getting to me more this time than any other.. even tho i will continue to do it. have to do it.  I only have this forum where i can speak the truth, to family it's theother me they see and they are so happy to see i'm well again.. one even said about time. 

thank you for the support and if i can return it i will.
nsa.


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## Halo

Hi NSA,



			
				notsureanymore  said:
			
		

> can i ask u, does it bother you that you live two seperate lives.



I have to say yes it does bother me most of the time because I always feel like I am living a lie and being fake. Sometimes even when I get by myself I really don't know who I am because I have to wear this sort of mask to the rest of the world. Most people in my life have no idea that I struggle with depression, take meds, see a psych etc. etc. They all think (or that is what I want them to think) that I am just a happy go lucky sort of person who works 2 jobs and functions well in society. If they only knew...... 

I too only have this forum on which I can really be myself. Now I have to be honest and say that there are a select few in my life that know bits and pieces of who I am but really nobody (except everyone on here) really knows me. LIke I said, sometimes I don't even really feel like I know myself.

I hope that answers your question and please take care. PM me anytime that you want to talk, I am here.

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim

thank you Nancy.. sometimes i think we are very alike in ways. parts of your post could be mine.. especially the bit about not knowing yourself.. i haven't a clue who i am anymore... or who i was to begin with, but i hope to find out one day. ( if i can keep suicide at bay long enuff). 

thanks again, 
nsa


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## Halo

NSA,

I know the feeling....somedays I feel like all I can do for myself is to try and keep safe. Just making it through the day without SI is tough. Some days I make it through without harming myself and other days I don't. I just keep praying for the day to happen when I wake up and things look bright and I don't have this impending dark cloud hanging over my head. 

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim

thanks Nancy for your post. I like you keep hoping to wake up and feel \think totally differently. But as every one here says, this will take time, and with the right therapist hopefully we both will experience our wishes.

good luck for today
thinking of you

nsa


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## foghlaim

Today i go over to the psychs i was under in the hospital, hate the thoughts of it, but it has to be done. i'm expecting them to just rewrite the script and say come back in 2 wwks, just like last time. i have taken almost the last of the meds i have here so ihave no choice but to go over to them. i can already feell the anxiety rising.. i really dislike these guys. anyway as i have been encouraged to be honest with my docs, if they ask anything i will be honest with them but if they say nothing, i'm saying nothing.  getting script means, get it, go into gp office, leave it with recepton, come back hrs later, go to chemist and wait some more.. 
sorrry for moaning, i'm just not in the form for all this today.



Nancy: how did you get on yesterday??


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## foghlaim

i think i put the update in the wrong thread.. sorry. 



despite having a more or less positive day in some respects..
i find that i want to cry for what appears to be no reason. the tears keep coming to my eyes and i can't figure it out. they just come up, i feel like crying but don't. 
happened a few times today and again a few mins ago..  
why?????????????????


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## David Baxter PhD

This may continue to happen from time to time for a while, nsa. You're still adjusting to your medications and even at that it's only part of your movement toward a better future. Some of that work is still waiting to begin.

When is your appointment with your old psychiatrist?


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## ThatLady

You know, nsa, there was a time during my healing when my mind couldn't seem to tell the difference between crying and laughing. I'd start to do one and end up doing the other for no rhyme nor reason. Even though things were going well, I'd be in tears, and vice versa. It was a difficult time for me, as I didn't really understand what was going on. I think I'd just been down for so long I didn't know how to handle happiness, or a feeling of not being surrounded by bad things lurking to jump out and pull me down. My emotions were ragged and hard to control. Yet, over time, I learned and those crazy cry/laugh times became a part of my past. I haven't done that in years, but your post reminded me of those times.


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## foghlaim

When is your appointment with your old psychiatrist? 
 next tues. 20th

thankk YOu both for your replies.  
if i'm reading correctly this kind of ting is "normal" at the min. 
I don't really understand it, but i'm willing to accept it part of where i am at the min.

thanks again. 

nsa


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## foghlaim

once again today things kinda got on top of me,, left me feeling like crying (and yet not) and then "switched" to being fed up with everything!! not wanting to do anything. i typed some stuff out earlier in "diary" relating to today, asin how i was feeling and even one or two other things came to mind, things that happened recently and that just made me feel worse so i just stopped and closed it down. 

Maybe it's just "one of those days". being fed up, tee'd off, and agiin the urge to si reared it's ugly head, came up stairs to do "whatever" to try and relieve what i was feeling and instead i logged on here for a while untill the urge passed.

don't know really why i'm putting all this here, just feels like the right place i guess.

anyway i could go on and on but it'd be very boring so i won't.

thanks for the space to be able to type this here.

nsa


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## Floating

Hi NSA,

I just want to let you know, I know what you mean. Feeling like you want to cry but not cryingt, and feeling fed up with everything. If you feel anything like me, you don't feel you have the energy to do anything either.

Thinking of you, be strong xx


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## Halo

Hi NSA,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard day (of course by the time you read this it will be morning for you) but I hope that tomorrow is better for you. ((BIG HUGS)) for a better day ahead.

I know all too well the feelings that you describe, wanting to cry, being fed up etc. but I think that it was a great choice to type some feelings out in a diary as I know that for me the few times that I have done it, it sometimes helps to reflect on what I am really feeling and what goes round and round in my head. Wow another great decision on your part was to come on here and post and read until the urge to SI passed.  Although you feel like crap today I think that you made some great progress... a huge good step forward and I am proud of you.  

Another thing, I don't think ever find anything that you have to write boring so please don't limit yourself. I think that you are very honest and open and I appreciate that.

Take care and talk to you soon.
Nancy


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## foghlaim

thank you Floating.. and Nancy for yur words of encouragement. 
and thank u nancy for saying that i don't write boring stuff, sometimes i think i do. not only that but i feel i post too much lately. it's like i don't know what to do with meself.. other day i thought of jusst getting on a train and getting the hell outta dodge.. you know!.. but that won't work either cause i can't get away fron the me that is here, can i.   on the physical side of things i'm a little stronger, but inside it feels like i'm all over the place.. getting sidetracted very easily, forgetting things again.  and it's really getting to me. 

sorry , there i go again, i never meant to put all that in there, it was supposed to stay n my head till i cuold at least try and make some sense of it all.

i just don't know anymore...

nsa


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## Peanut

> and thank u nancy for saying that i don't write boring stuff,


You do not write boring stuff at all! I love your posts and I'm thrilled to death that you're back!!!   And you do not post too much (of course this is coming from me, a compulsive poster, but still! )! (((((notsureanymore))))) I'm so glad that you're back!


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## foghlaim

thanks for your very kind words Toeless. 



nsa


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## foghlaim

Right now i'm thinking about tomorows apt and afew other things, and my stomach is in knots again.  I know i want to see him, will see him, but at same time i'm embarrassed to face him cause of a few things that happened while i was in hospital, he knows about these, even attended me after one "event" and i think i was rude to him.  i actually didn't expect to feel like i do this min, Jeeze, what'll i feel like tomorow on the way out to him.  ahhhh!! i think i'm getting cold feet or something.   pre-apt jitters already maybe... feels like forever since i've seen him and now i'm afraid to face him.  

between that now and the other things circling my mind, it's crazy..

think i'll go and try and do something to distract myself, block out all this.

nsa.


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## Halo

Hi NSA,

I can relate all to well about having the jitters before an appointment. I remember when I was going back to my psych after not seeing her for 4 months. I wanted everything to be better and I was on my way to happiness (not really). She knew me well enough when I walked in her office that I was not doing well. I found that the jitters went away as soon as I stepped in her office and it was like I never left. As for the embarrassment about what happened while in the hospital, please try not to worry about that I am sure that your therapist has and will see worse. He knows that you were in a bad place (mentally) and fragile and will probably not take it seriously. 

I am not going to say not to worry at all about it as I know you will but try to do something nice for yourself to take your mind off of it.  You will be fine, I have all the confidence in the world in you.

Take care and I am here for you anytime.
Nancy


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## foghlaim

it's 11am here and it's hours away from apt time, and i feel like ringing and cancelling because of how nervous i feel. But i won't do that cause i need to see him, i just feel like doing it. that make any sense at all. 

thanks Nancy, for your vote of confidence. 

nsa


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## Floating

Hi nsa,

Yes it does make sense, I know how you feel in a way. I have cancelled several appointments with my Doc in the past and now I really regret it because if I had gone in the first place I would probably be feeling a lot better than I am now. Don't cancel your apt, as you say you need to see him. I know how nerve wracking it is!  :red:

Be strong nsa you are doing the right thing xx


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## Halo

Hi NSA,

I don't know what time it is for you but I just wanted to say that I hope that you don't call and cancel. I know how nerve racking it can be to go to an appointment (I still had the jitters every week after seeing my therapist for 8 years). I don't think that it was so much about the actual person but more about what is going to be discussed.

I know that you have been looking forward to this appointment so please, please don't cancel it. If you have already left for your appointment, I will send you lots of telepathic strength to get through it.

I hope you log on afterwards to let us know how it goes.

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim

Hi Nancy, I haven't left yet, in fact i just logged on to copy some stuff i have posted here over the past cpl of weeks.

and you are right about "what is going to be discussed" as well as facing him of course. No i'm not going to cancel. 

and i will let ye know how thngs go.

thanks again. 

nsa


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## Halo

Hi NSA,

Glad to see that I caught you before you left. I really hope that your appt. goes well and please do take care and try to remember to breathe (I know that I have a problem with that when things get rough). 

Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

Take Care and remember that I am with you in spirit.

Nancy


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## foghlaim

thank yo too floating... appreciate your response. 


thanks for reminding me nancy.. i often get caught out on that, forgetting to breathe properly.


nsa


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## Cat Dancer

Glad you're not cancelling.  

You are in my thoughts as well. 

 Take care.


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## foghlaim

thanks janet.  i think i'll be thinking of ye on the way out and reminding myself of the confidence ye have in me.as well as the fact that ye've had apts recently and got thru them ok. 

thanks a mill guys

nsa


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## ThatLady

Take care, nsa. You're going to do just fine, I'm sure, and this will be of such help to you! Please, let us know how it went.


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## foghlaim

hi all, i don't know how to describe todays apt really... cept it went ok.
i wasn't actually "that" nervous when i met him, which surprised me, I was more nervous while waiting for him. Anyway.. we discussed how things have been\ are going ect, Showed him the pages i had printed off, including the one with the goals onit, he was impressed i think from his reaction. he asked how the meds were going for me i explained that my feelings were for the most part flat, and he nodded and said unfortunately that was the trade off between where i was and where i am today. he also asked if i was eating prop and getting enough sleep ect. I also asked him about going back to driving again, at 1st he was reluctant but discussing it further with me he came to the conclusion that it would in fact be therapeutic for me, he knows how much driving meant to me, (it was a part of me,) so I CAN!!!!   YES!!!!! i have no car at the min mind you, but that will change in the coming weeks. 

Now the dissappointing part (at least for me), he believes now that it's a psychologist i need and not a psychiatrist, because.... between the sessions we had before i went to hospital and the meds i'm on now (that are controlling the depression for the most part and the anxiety levels) and the inroads i have made regarding getting out of the house ect, there's no need to believe that i will have another conversion. Therefore todays apt could have been the last one with him. 
 So he is going to set up apt with a psychologist, (that i've heard of already), but if the waiting list is too long he will get back to me and continue to see me for another while. 
oh nearly forgot, the psychologist, he works with the other psychiatrists that i can't stand, in the same building as well. 

so all in all i guess it was a mixture... good and kinda bad . 

what do ye think? 

nsa


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## Cat Dancer

I think it sounds good. The driving part is really good, especially if it will be helpful to you. 

I know it's disappointing about changing who you see, but it sounds like this doctor is someone you trust and it sounds like he is making a decision in your best interest. I think seeing a psychologist sounds good. And it's nice that you can go back to see the first doctor if the waiting list is too long. 

I know it's all kind of scary though. 

Thanks for the update.


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## foghlaim

thank you janet.... yes the driving part is really great!! it's been missing from my life for too long, it was a part of me and when that went, part of me went too. 
so i was glad when he said i could drive again. 


and yeah changing to a psychologist is kinda scary.. tho i have heard great things about him.  I willhave to wait and judge for myself tho.


how u getting on with your therapist? good I hope!!

nsa


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## David Baxter PhD

> the psychologist, he works with the other psychiatrists that i can't stand, in the same building as well.



Did you talk to the psychiatrist about this issue?

Of course, the fact that he works with psychiatrists you don't like doesn't need to affect your therapeutic relationship with him at all. You still have a confidential relationship with him that should not be breached without your express authorization. If you do end up seeing him, bring up the issue with him early on - let him know you don't feel comfortable about the psychiatrists and that you want his assurance that your confidentiality will be preserved.


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## foghlaim

therein lies the problem.. they work as part of a team. the psychs have all my notes to date and he will be liasoniing with them re meds ect.. it might be ok, as long as I don't have to go see them myself... even tho at the min i still do... another two week apt last thurs. but the doc i spoke with last week said that they prob space apts out to once a month just to monitor the meds and see how i'm getting on.   I am dissapointed but i have to believe my psych is doing the right this for me don't I?.
i was so looking forward to working with him again and today well while i understood what he was saying to me, i'm sure he could tellfrom the expression on my face that i was dissapointed.  well i'll just have to wait and see now what happens if and when i get apt with this new guy.

thanks for the reminder david.. and i will say it tho i don't thnk in this situation it will matter very much.


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## David Baxter PhD

Are you seeing the psychologist in the hospital or as a private patient? I don't know how things work over there, of course.


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## Peanut

Hey notsureanymore! I'm proud of you that you went in today, first of all!  Nerves can be hard before therapy. I agree with Janet that it sounds like mainly good news, insofar as him thinking that your conversion disorder will not likely return. That has got to be encouraging! It sounds like, from everything, that he thinks you're making a lot of progress. I'm not surprised that he was impressed with your goals! You did make some good and reasonable goals/fantasies (sorry i know they're not fantasies but it still cracks me up that you said that ). Plus that whole therapy goal thread was your brilliant idea so that is a double good job!!

The same building psychologist is a little strange but I'm sure you'll work it out. Like I said and Janet said, it sounds like there was a lot more good than bad. It sounds like you're improving just like we can tell that you are!


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## foghlaim

thank you so much toeless for your positive response... you are right , guess we sometimes pick out the bad parts and forget the good... thank you and janet.


David: will be seeing him as public patient in an outpatient setting. not far from where i live. 

nsa


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## ThatLady

Hang in there, nsa. The new psychologist may well be completely different from those you've seen previously. The fact that your psychiatrist believes that your Conversion Disorder won't return is wonderful news! Now, it's just a matter of therapy and hard work. Ain't that always the way of life? Everytime we have a problem, it seems like the answer is "hard work". Drat!


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## foghlaim

heh heh... You are right tho, talking ti him yesterday about the conversion was good because i was terrified that if i had gone back to feeling the way i was before the *s***E hit the fan, then the possibility of having another one was there for me, i thought! he explained tho that because i'm on medication and the sessions i had with him plus being in the hospital,, he is convinced that i won't have another episode.  so yes it is good news, but the best news he gave me was that i can drive again.. i know that might sound silly or stupid in the scheme of things but for me it means so much.

I'm not worried about hard work, i'm hoping the worst of it is past me.. like not wanting to "leave" anymore, and through therapy i hope to fine me and my purpose in life. 

jeeze, i didn't mean to type all that.. got carried away again i gues.. sorry ppl.

nsa


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## ThatLady

I can certainly understand being most thrilled with the thought of being able to drive again. There's such a feeling of freedom when you can get in the car and go where you want. Now, all you need is a car to get in! 

I had a time when I couldn't drive (I'd broken my leg), and it just about drove me nuts. Then, a year later, I broke my darned arm (Okay, so I'm a klutz!). Again, no driving. I hated it, so I completely understand your feelings! Congratulations on the clearance to drive! 👏


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## Halo

Hi NSA,

I just want to echo what others have said in that I think that you did a great job yesterday by first making it to the appt. and not cancelling. I know how hard it can be just to make it in the doors. Also, Kudos on being able to drive again. I know how much you like your freedom and the open road. 

As for the psychologist that you are going to be seeing, I think that it would probably be beneficial if you spoke up right away to him/her about your concerns instead of feeling stiffled with your freedom of speech while in your sessions. I hope that you get into see him/her soon so that your healing can begin.

Congrats again that you made such great progress. I am soooo proud of you.  :funky: 👏

Take Care
Nancy


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## foghlaim

thank you TL and Nancy: 
Nancy i hope so too... and i will be speaking to him about my concerns as they will be foremost in my mind, but as i said above.. he works as part of their team..
i think tho right now.. i'm gonna forget it and just enjoy feeling good for today.

thanks again for the congrats, both of ye. appreciate them.

later folks.
nsa


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## foghlaim

just thought i'd let ye know i drove my daughters car yesterday.. just a short spin.. but it felt sooooooooo ggooood!!... hopefully one of these days i'll have my own car... 

yep,, it def felt good...lol 
i was on a high for alittle while again after driving it... 
but i'm backk to "normal now".. whatever that is.

nsa


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## Into The Light

i love to drive so i can imagine how exciting this must have been for you! maybe you can go for a little spin each day? something to look forward to?


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## foghlaim

hi BBC. it would be nice to do that but not likely to happen.. but i'm still delighted that i am allowed to drive again anyway.. that's what really counts tome.

thank you for your response

nsa


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## Halo

Glad to hear that you got the chance to drive your daughters car. I know how much you liked the open road to drive. 

I know the feeling of being back to "normal" but yet not knowing what normal really is. I can relate.

Take Care and my hope for you is to drive more.
Nancy


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## foghlaim

thank you bbc and Nancy.... and yeah i will drive more .. as soon as i get me own car.. which will be as soon as i get the dosh to buy it with LOL.. 

there's alot of this island i have to see yet.. so i'll be a bit like u Nancy.. i really want to be able to take off and just drive around at me own pace and enjoy this country of mine.

thanks again 

nsa


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## ThatLady

Having been there many years ago, with my parents, and having driven all over Ireland, you've got a real treat in store for you! It's such a beautiful place, with friendly people and more shades of green than I thought were possible.


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## foghlaim

hey TL: there is a song here, an old one.. it's called 40 shades of green. real irish song it is. must find the words one day.

I have travelled a lot already around ireland.. but i want to travel it all... and i will one day. 
thank you for saying lovely things about my country. i think the same way as you do. that is why whenever anyoone mentions a foreign holiday.. i just say as soon as i've seen all there is to see here. gonna take a long time.. hehe heh


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## foghlaim

hi folks. i know i've posted on other threads here this am, but this topic just seems right, this min anyway. 

yes i have positives going for me at the m in, i am back driving and i have work as well. sometimes.  but i don't know, i just don't feel right, in fact i feel like crying and don't really know why, maybe it's theother posts, sstill playing on my mind. the void i feel in my stomach, the si i did last night, i feel like i'm slipping and i can't or don't know how to stop it. i guess this is just a mmoan post really.. 
the insurance on me car isn't going to work out the way i wanted it to and so it gonna cost me a bloddy fortune.  I feel the void but feel some hurt \pain as well weird. maybe i am causing this myself again. 
 sorry to whinge.. 

nsa


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## sister-ray

Hi Nsa,

Theres nothing wrong with having a good moan and whinge if it gets it out of your system,  i wish I could do something to make it better for you, i think we all get bad days or weeks I know I do, things just dont seem right, nothings working out, I do alot of crying somedays and I dont know why either just bursting into tears at anything!!! I hope it passes and things feel better for you, hows the tiredness today?

Your in my thoughts

best wishes TTE


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## Halo

Hi NSA

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling right now and I wish that I could be here more for you but I just wanted to say that I can relate to the exact feelings you described. You described earlier in another post about lacking on sleep and I think that it may be a contributing factor as to why you are feeling so down. I know that for me lack of sleep makes things seem 10 times worse and my feelings and anxiety just become overwhelming. You said that you think that you might be slipping backwards and I was wondering if you can call your doctor before your next appt which I think is not for another 2 weeks and explain what is going on. Maybe some of your meds need to be adjusted now that you have been on them for a while.

I don't really know I am just trying to throw a few options out there to see if maybe any of them will help. I do wish you the best and hope that you take care and stay safe. I will talk to you upon my return.

You will always be in my thoughts 

YT


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## foghlaim

thanks TTE and nancy:
the tiredness is the same, i struggled today not to fall asleep every time i sat down. even this evening on the couch i could feel sleep taking over so i came up to me room, and logged on here, but i don't think i can manage to stay here toolong.

maybe i will take nancy's advice and ring for earlier apt.. or maybe my gp can see me instead?? not sure really which one to ring , if any of them. do i love contradicting meself or what.. it's not lack of sleep that's one of the problems , it too much sleep if anything is trying to take over.  weeks ago i couldn't sleep without taking the seroquel. now i'm taking one only.  maybe i should just stop it altogether an see what happens.

TTE: i hope this passes too.. if not i'm in deep *you now what*.. 
thank ye for ye're replies and support.

nsa


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## foghlaim

was searching for a thread to post what's running thru me head and then i remembered this one.. i think this is the right place.. don't know and don't really care... 

and now that i have started this i haven't a clue how to continue.... 
i'm asking my self how can one person (me) think and feel so much at the same bloody time..   not just since yesterday.. tho it didn't help matters..  maybe yesterday just heightened everything i don't know..    
yesterday.. I was wired!! not in a good way..  angry, sad,, confused..  depressed.. feeling nothing,,, as well as I don't care attitude!! even laughing about stupid things and saying stupid silly things as well. 
Today i'm still much the same... but not as wired maybe.. trying to get a grip..   i was chatting on msn for a good while last night and i have to say it was good to chat.. it also stopped me from doing something else!.. those dangerous thoughts are there as are thoughts of S.I.. 

so many thoughts, so many feelings... hard not to act on some of them.. 
anyway... i just wanted to get some of this rubbish out of my head..  

thanks for the space.. Dr.B. 

cnsa


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## Halo

NSA

I am glad that you felt that you could come on here and get some of the rubbish out of your head and I can relate to how you feel about having so much going through your head at one time, it is hard.  I know for me that thinking and feeling so much at one time can be overwhelming but at least having been on msn last night gave you the opportunity to take your mind off of SI and other things.  That was a good choice and be proud of yourself for making that good choice for yourself.

I noticed that you signed off with CNSA.....what does that mean?


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## foghlaim

thank you Nancy...   it is very hard..   i guess ithought.. one feeling at a time was enuff.. then so many all at one time.. not just ovewhelming.. suffocating..  and feeling like either me head or some part of me is going to explode.    and yes it was great to be able to have a friend to talk to last night..  meant alot.. stil means a lot.  as does being able to come here and type whatever.. 

cnsa = changing nsa..


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## Halo

Well CNSA

I feel that you could have totally written that post above about me....I often feel that I am feeling so overwhelmed with so many thoughts and feelings that all rush at me at the same time. You are very lucky to have friends that you can talk to on msn as well as come on this forum and I am jealous about that.  Until I get my laptop (which is hopefully this weekend ) then I am trying to write mood logs to identify what the thoughts and moods are that I am experiencing.  Once I get the laptop I feel like I will have so many more options open to me to access my support system.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can completely relate.
Take care CNSA  :hug:


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Hi NSA

It is a terribly difficult situation when you're experiancing the thoughts that you are, and really hard to get your brain out of those thoughts patterns.  I'm glad that you could come here too, to sit and spill some of the beans.  Having a friend there for you is such good news too.  I am a strong advocate of internet chat, (lol- not over face to face) but it is there often when face to face can't be there, ie. late at night, people overseas, etc. and can sometimes be just as comforting! 

Anyway, theres no point to this post other than to let you know I'm here to listen to you too, and that I hope you start feeling a little better as the day progresses.

-Robin


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## foghlaim

Thank you Phoenix.. 
i would be lost completely.. without this forum and the wonderful ppl here.


cnsa


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