# Not doing well



## Ash (Nov 17, 2004)

Everything is so screwed up.  I'm in a job making less than half what I was making.  It's not just the money; it's also the fact that I don't feel that my life is secure or stable right now.  Stability and, well, sameness if that makes sense are very important to me.  I'm living with my boyfriend and that's weird for me since I've spent most of my life with my mother.  Oh, this is a good step because my relationship with my mother was very unhealthy.  I guess I'm having a hard time getting used to everything.

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I feel that my life involves working, taking care of kids, cleaning, doing laundry, doing the dishes, taking care of the ferrets and cat and fish, and not much else.  Oh, sometimes I play a video game but that's pretty much the extent of it.  My kids are spoiled (my fault) and think that arguing with me is alright.  I'm so tired and strung out and I'm afraid that I'm coming into a depressive episode.

I'm about six weeks pregnant.  My boyfriend does not think that keeping this baby is a good idea.  He believes that we can't afford it and that it would take time away from my two children.  He's obviously not ready for this.  He's said that he would support me even though he doesn't my decision.  Basically lots of guilt.

Basically I'm stuck with two options.  1) Have an abortion and suffer to consequences or 2) have the baby and worry about the negative consequences for my children.  Let me tell you, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I feel that both choices are not real choices at all.

I had an abortion about twelves years ago and I never really got over it.  I don't think I could live with myself if I went through it again.  I know that I certainly wouldn't forgive myself.

I stopped taking Lamictal when I found out I was pregnant and I told my pdoc that I don't want to be on meds because none of them are proven safe.

My stress level is through the roof and I've falling apart.  In addition to no meds, I have the pregnany psycho hormones going on and I'm crying over everything.  I'm way too irritable and yelling at my kids over stupid things.  This makes me feel like an even WORSE person because they don't deserve that.  I just feel so alone and overwhelmed right now and I don't know what to do.  (Waking up 4-5 times a night to pee and thus not getting enough sleep is NOT helping)

Happy happy joy joy.


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 17, 2004)

wow. that sounds like a lot going on at once. 

I think being irritable is perfectly understandable. Maybe you could just tell your kids you're sorry and ask for their forgiveness. It doesn't make you a bad person. People mess up. We mess up with each other and saying sorry and moving on is all we can do sometimes. 

I wish I could think of something helpful, but I just wanted to let you know I read what you wrote and am feel lots of sympathy for you.

I wish life wasn't so hard.


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## Ash (Nov 17, 2004)

Thanks, dear.  I do apologize to my kids but then I think that isn't enough.  I should be a better mother.  I should be perfect!  Yeah, right.  I think back to my childhood and the negativity from my folks but at least I do show my kids how much I love them and that I'm always there for them.  Just not always in a good mood.  :-/


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## lammers1980 (Nov 17, 2004)

Oh boy!  I hate when abortion comes up.  Personally, I think abortion for economical reasons is going to haunt you, especially since you already have kids.  Everything in life is temporary, you never know how you will be doing in five years.  It also brings up the idea of whether or not this additional child will threaten your ability to survive, ie. put food on the table, versus whether it will mean not having a car, going on vacation, etc.  Also, your boyfriend (depending on whether or not he is the father of the other kids) may be trying to cop out of any permanent obligations in the form of child support.  I'd say abortion should always be an option of absolute last resort, when you existence is threatened.  Try explaining to your children why their potential sibling is not allowed to live and they were.


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## Ash (Nov 17, 2004)

stevel said:
			
		

> Oh boy!  I hate when abortion comes up.  Personally, I think abortion for economical reasons is going to haunt you, especially since you already have kids.  Everything in life is temporary, you never know how you will be doing in five years.  It also brings up the idea of whether or not this additional child will threaten your ability to survive, ie. put food on the table, versus whether it will mean not having a car, going on vacation, etc.  Also, your boyfriend (depending on whether or not he is the father of the other kids) may be trying to cop out of any permanent obligations in the form of child support.  I'd say abortion should always be an option of absolute last resort, when you existence is threatened.  Try explaining to your children why their potential sibling is not allowed to live and they were.



Oh, I agree completely!  I have always regretted my past actions and I would not be able to live with myself if I did it again.  I honestly think I would have to go into the hospital if I were "forced" into it.  Which btw is what upsets me the most.  The damned if you do, damned if you don't feeling that I have right now.  Considering what I've been going through, a little support wouldn't hurt!  Not more guilt.

I've been a single mother twice so the thought of another child doesn't particulary scare me.  It's the guilt over my other kids that's being thrown on me.  It's never going to be the PERFECT time to have another kid.  Not unless we hit the lottery.

I've always been optimistic enough to believe that things will work out.  No, I'm not making very much money right now.  Yes, that's a concern.  But I've told my bf that just because I'm in the situation now, doesn't mean that I will always be in the situation.  I can learn more and get a better job than I had before!

Unfortunately, my bf is taking the "rational" approach.  Though I've told him that what he's suggesting isn't rational at all!  Most men will never understand what agony a choice like that is.


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## lammers1980 (Nov 17, 2004)

Honestly, it sounds like you don't really want to do it.  I would not do it.  Never let someone pressure you into it.  If he doesn't like the idea, well he should either get used to it or hit the road.  It really breaks my heart as a father who had a "surprise" child hear of other men trying to abdicate their roles as men in this society.  I'm sorry that I may be adding guilt to it all, but I feel so strongly about this that I cannot stay quiet.  There are many men out there that would love to be in the position that your current BF is in, and would do anything for that chance.  Like I said, unless you are faced with literal starvation,  it is never the wrong choice to allow a person to enter this world.


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## Ash (Nov 17, 2004)

You are right about all of it.  I don't want to do it and I doubt that I will.  I feel too strongly about the subject.  I know we can make it, though it will take some changes.  Kids are worth it.

I don't think he's trying to get out of an obligation.  He's really the most stand-up guy that I've ever met.  I think the situation has him scared.  I don't think that he would hit the road, so the speak.  When I told him that I didn't want things to get screwed up between us he replied, "honey, things between us are going to be alright, ok?"  Maybe we all just need an adjustment phase.

I tried to get in to see my old tdoc but she's booked solid.  I explained the situation and she's going to call me if she has a cancellation.  She understands how hard this particular thing is hitting me since I'm so "maternal".


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