# Should a relationship counselor ever take sides? (potential triggers)



## Tempered Tense (Nov 30, 2008)

**(this involves abuse, and might have some triggers)**

Sometimes I feel like I am being ganged up on.  My partner is abusive (physically and emotionally), has been, and continues to be, and it seems since we started counseling together (the therapist comes to our house weekly), he has gotten worse.  He has always been like a Jeckyl and Hyde, but it seems like Hyde is here to stay now. I feel like I am tip-toeing around him, apologizing constantly, and asking permission to do things.  He gets annoyed with this, but I do it as a means of preventing future conflicts since he is like a walking time bomb and can blow up at anytime over anything (he often assumes that I am deliberately doing things to annoy him and becomes explosive).    

As far as the counselor is concerned, during an individual session, I alluded to the fact that he is abusive and left it at that.  I said there were a few "incidents" that occurred, but didn't go into detail, and the therapist acted like he understood but didn't question any further.  After this, he goes on to point out in practically every session that I should touch him more, pat his shoulder, make some sort of physical contact (my partner's complaint is my OCD and that I can't get physical with him and have taken to avoiding ANY physical contact with him, which is true), it gets worse as time goes on.  

I simply don't understand why the therapist is able to focus on my shortcomings and flaws, but not my partner's.  I am constantly admitting and apologizing for where I go wrong, and I have gone wrong many times, made a lot of stupid decisions, but my partner takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions;  he blames me for his flare ups, and the therapist says it's because he's passionate and he feels like I am not returning his love.  Well, there was a time when I was genuinely able to, but that time has passed, and I am trying to work out our issues to revive any potential spark or hidden feelings, but it doesn't seem that this therapist is helping.  He never scratches the surface of our problems, or mine, and talks through a good portion of the sessions.  We've been at this for several weeks now, and arguments are increasing, and things are getting worse.  Should I give it a chance or start looking for another counselor?


Also, as far as leaving, unfortunately, I couldn't even begin to afford my own place.  Everything I had or have has gone into this apartment and our living expenses, and I don't even drive, or know anyone in this state.  My family can't help either.  And I figure staying here and working things out is better than uprooting and dragging my daughter to a shelter in a bad neighborhood, and getting her father involved (who could take her from me at that point.)


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## Into The Light (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: Should a relationship counselor ever take sides?(could potentially contain trigge*

a counsellor is not supposed to take sides, they are supposed to be an objective third party whose goal is to help you both.

i'd say bring this up with the counsellor the next time and see what happens. if you continue to feel unheard then i would find someone else.


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## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: Should a relationship counselor ever take sides?(could potentially contain trigge*

Hi tempered tense.

I just wanted to tell you that you have my support 100% - I'm not in a place where I can give advice right now - but thinking of you and wishing you well.


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## Lana (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: Should a relationship counselor ever take sides?(could potentially contain trigge*

Few things that come to mind:

1. Is this family/couples counselling or is this one on one sessions?

2. If sessions are one on one, it is important to recognize that therapist is not there to treat your partner or discuss his behaviour.  He is there to work with you and for you.  So, maybe it would help to ask how you could deal with your partner.  

3. I suspect that your therapist's enouraging to touch is well meaning and trying to help you get in touch with your partner hoping it would eliminate the conflict.  I'm not sure if that's right or not, but then again, I'm not a therapist.  

4. From what you told us here, I think it would be a good idea to ask your current therapist all these questions you have and probably find someone else to work with. I don't know where you are location wise but I'd contact local hospital and find if there is a mental health clinic somewhere, where you can see another doctor.  Or, contact local women's shelter and if they can offer you something in terms of counselling.  This leads me to the last point...

5. While you're not ready to leave your partner now, I think he's giving you a great reason to consider that.  I'd start accumulating information and setting things up that should this thing escalate, you have an "out".  Leaving yourself vulnerable and unprotected like you are now is worse for your daughter then moving her around.  Think of what she's learning from your current situation and the impact it could have on her life.


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## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: Should a relationship counselor ever take sides?(could potentially contain trigge*

Ok - it's greater than me at times.  

The one thing I will say from your post - STOP APOLOGIZING.  I'm guilty of this too.  You apologize only when it's genuinely warranted.  Otherwise, it loses all effect.  

Because we're all humans, human nature kicks in.  In your situation - and I'll limit my advice here - when another apologizes to us, we're all too happy to let them carry the load (it makes it easier for us).  

So, again, unless you're 100% sure of the apology you're offering - don't.  Whether we acknowledge it or not - it comes off as less than genuine and allows the scapegoat effect to occur.  

There may be some things you may have done wrong yet, I'm pretty certain that they did not warrant abusive behaviors.  Abuse of any kind is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable (mental, emotional, physical - and from either party).  

Loving someone is just that - you don't always have to agree but, you need to show a modicum of respect - that's what love it - all the way around.

So herein lies the danger in apologizing when we don't mean it - in difficult times, the other party is more than comfortable in accepting that you are the party at fault.  This means that they are less inclined to work at their own issues in the relationship.

I'll stop here tempered tense - but it's not because I'm not thinking of you.


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## Tempered Tense (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: Should a relationship counselor ever take sides?(could potentially contain trigge*

Thank you for your responses Into The Light, Jazzey, and Lana.

I agree with you about the apologizing.  It has become a habit born out of fear and a somewhat passive agressive attitude, which I do have.  Maybe I don't see this as abuse?  It has gotten to the point where I feel so much contempt for my partner that I tense up and stare straight ahead everytime he approaches, either out of sheer annoyance or an animal caught in the headlights type of feeling.  My partner recognizes and notices these things, body language and so on and calls me on it angrily.  The thing is I wasn't like this before he attacked me physically, I've only been like this since then.  And it's not just that, we've been arguing since day one.  He is very complicated, makes things bigger than they really are, assumes things way too often, talks about the future and only the negative, and sighs a lot.  He just absorbs life so to speak, and it's funny, because he says all the same things about me.  I just try to avoid him and the conflict.\

As far as leaving, I am thinking about it, more now than ever, and I am trying to save money and have been looking at any resources or programs I could take advantage of.


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## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

*Re: Should a relationship counselor ever take sides?(could potentially contain trigge*



> The thing is I wasn't like this before he attacked me physically,



I'm not sure that I understand why you're questioning whether abuse exists in the relationship.  These words are quite strong and exemplify abuse to me.  

As for leaving him - Again, you're the only one who can make this determination.  We're only privy to the limited circumstances that this medium provides.  I'm careful to give advice when I appreciate that I don't have the full scope of the context.  

What programs are you considering (re: leaving him)? (only if this would not identify you) - I'm just thinking that a research online could assist here.


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## Lana (Nov 30, 2008)

Whatever you do, TT, you have our support.  But do contact womens shelter to see if they can give you conselling and maybe help you set up something....just incase.  It wouldn't hurt.


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## Jazzey (Nov 30, 2008)

:agree:


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