# I need help for my wife. Diagnosis?



## rob1984 (Jan 13, 2013)

okay, its a long story but I may have found the issue, I'll explain how we met and go from there.

My wife is currently 24yrs old and I am 28yrs old, We met when she was 17 and I was 21. She had a couple of bf's in high school but nothing really serious, one bf she went out for a year with. When her and I met, things moved very quickly after 3 weeks she said she loved me, after 3 months, she moved in with me.. all went so fast. She Acted out alot, like a spoiled child.. always wanted things her way and her previous bf's she always got it, and that never lasted, with me I stood my ground said yes sometimes, for the sake of peace, but most times I said NO.

She is very sexually active high libido and seemed at first when we met she used it against me.. She only seems to befriend males, as she said her and females do not get along ( she does have female friends thou ) through our relationship she has matured a lot, but at one point she gained some weight and got Alopecia. She still has it but the hair is regrowing. I noticed she makes an emotional attachment to her male friends. Easily finds her self attracted to them, and they always seem to be older, sometimes not much but at one point the man was in his 40s.. once at her parents a family friend was there that she worked with,my wife got drunk and was all over him, hugging and sitting on his lap.. did not look very nice.. now recently her and I were not doing to well.. I was focused on our finances and not giving her much attention, so at work she received attention from another man, he was nice to her, pretended to be interested in her as a friend, asked how I was, what I did and wanted to meet me.. so she felt comfortable being his friend.. but she became attracted to him.. so one day he invited her to come hang out with some friends from work, he then said no one wanted to come why do you not come over while I house sit.. as trusting and naive she is...she went. Well long story short he got her drunk, kept feeding her booze and kissed her just before she was leaving, but she did not stop and kissed him back. shortly after she stopped, called me and said she screwed up and said to pick her up.. I was furious of course.. She did not want to believe she was taken advantage of or that he did nothing wrong.. at one point she admitted she knew he liked her, but did not expect him to do anything but she knew there was a chance and would stop it, but has no idea why she didn't and said she liked it. I know she regrets it a lot... since she changed instantly.

She went after a new career, started to exercise, make me coffee clean more and being very nice..She is also jelouse of her friends, they are pregnant now, and she wants a kid, or she will get upset when one friend hangs out with another and she was not invited, or to a point where some of her friends have more likes on facebook. Her parents growing up were not really there for her, she was caught stealing condoms in gr10, and her dad did ground her, but her friends and bf were allowed to come over. She would be kissing a guy in her basement and her mom would just laugh, or when her and I met we would fool around there and nothing.

She is very promiscuous, as if she uses sex to control men.

Her mom once allowed me to sleep over, but then called her dad and told him she said no, but we did not listen.. Her dad never really taught her anything.. was no role model to her, not much.. when she was 3 he was drunk babysitting and she opened the door to a stranger. She never recalls him saying I love you.. and recently asked if he cared to walk her down the Isle at her wedding and he said it does not matter to him ( we talked about this recently and she burst in to tears) 

Her dad pays alot more attention to his son, he is also military and when he is in trouble he is always there to help.. my wife's sister also went through something similar and is with a man who is almost 60 and she is 39.. they met when she was 24 and he was  in his 40's.

Her mother always seems to be jealouse of my wife.. feeds her dessert when she is trying to lose weight when she says she does not want any..

To add, my wife never seems happy, always wants to change the rooms around.. buys stuff we do not need, its as if whatever I do its never enough.

When she drinks she becomes very sexual..almost dominating. Actually most times she goes past the comfort zone with other men, is when she had a few too many. The night where the person kissed her, she did drink wine. (Alcohol has been part of her family growing up.) Its as if she was taking any attention she got, weather it be a hug a high five or even a kiss, so that she does not push anyone away, its almost as if she is scared I will leave her and she has some back up just in case her and I go sour. 

At first she told me what she did she wanted to and screwed up, but I found that hard to believe as I do not feel its in her nature to be a cheater.. Cheaters are sneaky when they cheat, and not feel remorseful, and call their husband as soon as it happens to be picked up, knowing she would have nothing if I left her and she would be forced to go back to her parents and start from scratch again. Plus she changed a lot after that, and for the good. So can anyone explain this behavior to me.. She knows she has a problem, admitted to it and will be seeing a psychiatrist.. she has no idea why she did what she did and reassures me it will never happen again. 

What do you guys make of this ?

If this is in the wrong section you can move it. thank you for taking the time in reading this.


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## Meg (Jan 13, 2013)

Hi Rob, welcome to Psychlinks 

You have certainly been  through the wringer, so to speak.  It must be hard not only for you to see her going through this, but for your own sense of love and security within your relationship as well.  

I can imagine how important it must be for you to understand why this is happening and what you can do to help.  It's not ethical to make a diagnosis over the internet, but I think the appointment with the psychiatrist that you have coming up is a good place to start.  I think it's a good sign that she wishes to change.  The psychiatrist will be able to do a thorough assessment and give a more informed opinion than we ever could.

You may also wish to look into finding a psychologist for your wife.  The sorts of problems that you've described may benefit from psychotherapy.  Some psychiatrists offer this, but many do not.  Check it out with the psychiatrist she's going to see.  They may be able to make a recommendation.

Do you think you will go with her to the appointment?  It's up to your wife, of course, but the psychiatrist may be interested in bringing you in to the conversation if your wife is willing, even if it's just for a few minutes of the session to hear your perspective.  

I think it is really important to make sure that you have support for yourself.  You may be correct when you say that your wife does not *want* to behave in the way that she has been, but it sounds like impulsivity may be a bit of an issue for her.  I hope that she is able to live up to what she's said about never doing it again, but it may be the case that this proves difficult for her.  I think there are definitely things that can be done to help you and your wife, but they may not be a quick fix, unfortunately.  Whether you choose to get some of that support here or whether you would consider finding a therapist of your own to support you, you might want to give it some thought.

Best wishes.


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## rob1984 (Jan 13, 2013)

hey , thank you for the reply... but any idea what this can mean.. is her behavior normal.. or the type of relationship she had with her parents made her like this ?
I do believe she will not do it again, as its really not in her nature. Why would she cling to men like this ? The psychiatrist appointment is for her, but if needed I will talk to the Dr aswell


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 13, 2013)

We cannot diagnose anyone online and do not permit any of our members to do so, Rob. And in the end, does it matter really?  She is unhappy with her own behavior - and that is the first step toward changing it. Let her therapist worry about why and about a diagnosis.


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## rob1984 (Jan 13, 2013)

okay i understand.. I just want to know if her behavior is normal... , no diagnosis of what the cause is or anything.. just something that will help me out a bit. I do not wish to give up on my wife.. just need a little hope. as well as.. for what she is going through is it best to see a male or female psychiatrist.. or does it not matter ?


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## Meg (Jan 13, 2013)

From what you've said it sounds like her behaviour is distressing both for you and for her as well, and your wife's behaviour has also placed her at physical risk by being vulnerable in the presence of others who may not have honourable intentions.  It is the distress that is resulting from these behaviours that concerns me most.  If behaviour distresses, harms or has the potential to harm the person who performs it or someone else or both, that is undoubtedly when intervention is required.  

It is a possibility that behaviour traits such as these may be the result of incidents in childhood and/or parental relationships.  However, it's not possible to be sure about this without having spoken to her.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 13, 2013)

Normal is not a specific term. It is subjective based on perceptions of frequency or incidence in some predefined "normal" population.

The important question is this: Is it maladaptive? Does it cause distress to the person or difficulty in her relationships with others? Is it counterproductive to her goals? Does it bring her into frequent conflict with other people?

_Added: Posted this before I saw Dr. Meg's reply which is right on target. _


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## rob1984 (Jan 13, 2013)

well yes, it is putting a strain on everything she wants to do. Plus I really do not want my wife being attached to men like that, yes she is very vulnerable, I am trying to figure out the cause of this.. why is she so vulnerable to men, that she lets them in so much. I do not see what she is lacking in our relationship.. as we had our ups and downs so have many other relationships.. but why would she not be content with what she has.. why be so jealous about her friends?


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## Meg (Jan 13, 2013)

I think your wife is very fortunate to have such a dedicated husband.  I do think that there is hope, especially, as I said before, because your wife seems motivated to change.

I don't think it matters whether it's a male or female psychiatrist as long as your wife feels comfortable and able to talk openly with them.  I can see pros and cons both ways: since your wife has history of inappropriate behaviour with males a female psychiatrist might be preferred.  However, a male psychiatrist with integrity may actually be able to use any inappropriate behaviour in session to therapeutic benefit by drawing her attention to it and encouraging her to consider the factors that were behind this in order to increase her insight and improve her choices in future.


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## rob1984 (Jan 13, 2013)

so maybe a powerful female would be a better example for her.. a few more questions.. have you dealt with these types of situations? is this common for women who did not have a positive male role model in their lives?


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## Meg (Jan 13, 2013)

rob1984 said:


> well yes, it is putting a strain on everything she wants to do. Plus I really do not want my wife being attached to men like that, yes she is very vulnerable, I am trying to figure out the cause of this.. why is she so vulnerable to men, that she lets them in so much. I do not see what she is lacking in our relationship.. as we had our ups and downs so have many other relationships.. but why would she not be content with what she has.. why be so jealous about her friends?



Yes, these would be very important questions for you to get answers to.  I guess what we're saying is that these are the sorts of things that will be uncovered in therapy rather than on a forum.  I can imagine why you would want answers as quickly as possible and I wish that I could provide them for you, but this is going to require putting in some hard yards in therapy.  I think the best help we can be is to support you as you and your wife go through this process of discovery together.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 13, 2013)

You don't know that the reason for her behavior is the absence of a male role model. You're getting ahead of yourself. Have faith in the process and let her therapist do his/her job.


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## Meg (Jan 14, 2013)

rob1984 said:


> so maybe a powerful female would be a better example for her.. a few more questions.. have you dealt with these types of situations? is this common for women who did not have a positive male role model in their lives?



I think the choice of male or female psychiatrist should really be left to your wife's preference, since she will be the one in treatment.  My point was that a psychiatrist of either gender has the potential to be helpful to her.

I have seen a number of women who have struggled with behaviour that is similar in some, but not all respects.  Every person you meet is unique in their own way with their own history.  Not having a strong male role model could have been a factor, but I doubt that this alone would produce the behaviour you've described.


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## rob1984 (Jan 14, 2013)

yes i do not know that for sure. just anxious right now for anything useful.  she will be 100% seeing someone. would you possibly be able to tell me if this has been treated before ? or something similar?

added before I seen Meg's response..

Hmm okay Maybe her leaving from her home small home town where kids played soccer, played outside.. to a big city with over 1 million and having to adjust to grisl dressing provacative and her being tom boyish.. she did go to therapy for that at a younger age ( 14 ) all the dr. said was go visit your home town sometimes.

also, I found this website with her and she read it and this is literally everything she is suffering from. Should I print this and bring it with me to the Drs

http://madamenoire.com/187969/papa-pains-signs-you-may-have-daddy-issues/


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## Meg (Jan 14, 2013)

Your anxiety is completely understandable.  I can say with confidence that behaviours of this sort have been encountered and treated before.


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## rob1984 (Jan 14, 2013)

fabtastic thats what I would like to hear  I know she is a smart girl with lots of potential.. and people who cheat usually go out of their way to do it, and hide it. She did none of that. I had a father who gave up on me and my mom, cause things were rocky.. I do not wish to be like him.. and breaking up with someone you have been with for 7 years, over a kiss , and the fact she may have a problem is a little crazy. People do make mistakes and it could be worse.


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