# Minding Your Relationship



## David Baxter PhD (Jul 18, 2011)

*Minding Your Relationship 
*by Dr. Will Meek, Counseling Psychologist & Therapist, Vancouver WA
July 17, 2011

I get asked a lot about what a great relationship looks like, or is supposed to be like. The easy answer is that it looks different for every couple, but a wonderful model of relationship development called the "Minding Theory" gives us a more applicable answer. The following is a brief overview of the model and how it can help couples. 

*The Five Parts of Minding*
Minding is defined by Harvey and Omarzu (2011) as "a reciprocal knowing process that occurs non-stop throughout the history of a relationship and involves a complex package of inter-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors." On the surface this may sound like psychobabble, but at the core they are onto something. They also list 5 parts of relationship minding, and state that if we can make these happen in our relationships, they will be healthier and more satisfying.

*1. Knowing & Being Known*: this is a process of questioning, taking interest, and disclosing information. Basically, if we are always interested in knowing our partner, making efforts to know, as well as responding honestly to efforts they make to know us, we have part 1.

*2. Attributions*: this is the ways we explain why the other person did something, or is the way he/she is. The most important part here is that people in happier relationships attribute positive things in the other person's life to core character traits, and negative things as situation factors or as honest mistakes. 

*3. Acceptance & Respect*: this is accepting what we have come to know about the other person, and continuing to treat him/her with respect. When we really get to know someone, we find out things that are not perfect or savory about the other person, and they find out the same about us. Continuing to hold the person in a good light and working for forgiveness (more on How to Forgive here) are big in minding a relationship. 

*4. Reciprocity of Minding*: this means that both people in the relationship are working on minding. If only one person is interested in knowing, making favorable attributions, and using acceptance and respect, then the relationship clearly would have other problems. 

*5. Continuity of Minding*: this means that minding the relationship goes on forever. It is not unusual for long term couples to have periods of time where minding has not occurred because other life priorities interfered, but returning to minding can be a path toward reconnecting, 

In addition to these components, Harvey and Omarzu (2011) give us a list of specific behaviors that contribute to minding. These include regular affection and affirmations, listening to others' opinions with respect, talking about the other person socially in a favorable light, doing things to help and support, spending quality time together, and showing appreciation through words and actions.

*For Couples*
Couples looking to improve their relationships may look at this model as a bit of a guide on how to understand what a truly healthy relationship can look like. IT is important to note that no one can do these perfectly, and most couples have issues in some dimensions. Counseling can also be a helpful way to work on building these dimensions further, and improving your relationship into the future.


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