# So much happening



## mudpuppy (Dec 17, 2013)

I was laid off work at the end of October, and since then I've been to career transition workshops, meeting with a career counsellor, working with clients in my new consulting business, and going to Xmas functions. So many people, but no one to talk to about all the changes and upheaval. It's been fun, but it's all surface.

All the changes are scary, and I've been having a hard time sleeping, with unpleasant dreams in the few hours that I do manage to sleep.

I want so badly for things to work out well, but I'm so afraid I'm going to do or say the wrong thing and mess it all up. 

In many ways it all feels wonderful, like I've always wanted it to be, but I'm afraid it won't last. That I won't be able to handle it all, and it'll all be lost.

I'm sorry to be so incoherent. There's so many things all churned up inside that it's hard to sort through it all.

Thank you for listening.


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## forgetmenot (Dec 17, 2013)

You are not incoherent hun i hear you and of course all this upheaval will bring some anxiety on.  You are doing great  just take one day at a time ok  I am glad things also feel wonderful  change for the good right.    Good you are talking here  we care and we will listen and you are handling it and you will handle it hun  try not to worry ok  i know that is hard to do though  hugs


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## Ftbwgil (Dec 20, 2013)

Hi Mudpuppy when I read your thread I read a lot of "WHAT IF". That is a sure way to have anxiety and it really does a lot of damage to our nervous system. And the thing of it is ... it does not exist... its all mind fabrication... I know I've been there and I ended up hospitalized for HBP High blood pressure anxiety related. 

I noticed whenever I have anxiety I am able to put "what if" in front of the concern.  If I can suggest that when you are in your mind which we all seem to spend a lot of time there and you start feeling stress anxiety ask yourself if your "what if" thought is a "what is".  If its a what if then it does not exist.... its not real... the only thing real about is is the value you are giving it.... and if it is "what is"  then that is real and can be addressed with an action plan.  I speak from experience I know what you are going through.  And for sleep  well as soon as you enter the mind of what if ... stop  and breath as deep as you can and only think about breathing. think about how you are caring for your body by feeding it oxygen.  Also if you force a big smile your body will be less tense and you will calm down. It should work


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## MHealthJo (Dec 21, 2013)

Feel free to spill out some of the thoughts or worries here if you like.... and I really like Ftwbgil's way of expressing the what ifs vs what is, I'm going to remember that... 

It is so so hard sometimes to remind our body and nervous system of this.... so easily, our body and nervous system starts feeling like the topic is a "what is" - like the feared thing has already happened and is here right now.

Something that pulls some people out of their mind and what ifs and into the true  'what is', is yoga movements/stretching and the breathing that goes with it.... Sometimes it's the way of having to focus on the tensing or stretching of the right muscle group, and at the same time holding a breath or slowly inhaling or exhaling, plus then the way that it floods oxygen and blood flow into certain parts of the body and interrupts the pattern of what the brain was previously doing. 

I'm often surprised at the results even when I (in bed) just inhale deeply, tense/squish/stretch and hold a certain muscle group a few seconds, then let go and exhale slowly and breathe deeply, then move on to the next muscle area. Don't forget the face, head, jaw, neck, shoulder, chest, abdominal muscles. You may be able to find youtube audios to guide you as you do it if you prefer - it may be under yoga breathing or progressive muscle relaxation (I think). 

Wow! You are doing every awesome thing I can think of in terms of  navigating this next phase for yourself and transitioning from the old one. There is no reason not to believe that your results in doing so will be as good as they can possibly be, as far as it depends upon you.  We can't control everything or perform perfectly - all we can do is our imperfect best as we move toward something. We can get feedback, learn things and try to grow, but we simply won't be able to ensure that absolutely every result or opportunity works out first time around by achieving perfect performance in every  moment....

Those what ifs are so familiar though. That's our mind trying to control our world and achieve total certainty. It just doesnt want to let go and accept that we can't. It's that thing we can't have. And when we forget this, our mind stresses out running and running after it, thinking it could catch it if it just keeps running....

I actually forget that ultimately I can't control plenty of things, avoid every error or failure, or force some outcome. I simply forget. But the moment when I again remember and accept this fact and let go somewhat, I feel better. I either just feel better and relax, or I become more actually useful to myself by switching to an action that contributes to what I want, or just to good health and life and feeling balanced or positive... equals confidence and as good results as possible.

 (And flubs will happen and there is life after.... a flub or failure is not the end of the story; steps can then be taken following on from there....)

 I remember Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now talking about that.... The mind is a tool to work on a problem or achieve something, but even once it has done what it can, it wants to look for new ones, or create a problem to solve.... 

But we can just wink at its antics sometimes when it tries to do this.... It is like any other tool; when we have finished using it for a time, we lay it down... it's a good resource that one, for we worriers. Another good one I'll suggest is When Panic Attacks by David Burns. 

Yoi may also find benefit in exploring the six core processes of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training too. Here's an introduction, and scroll down for free audios/resources too.

The Six Core Processes of ACT | Association for Contextual Behavioral Science

You are doing awesome things and have so much to offer. Sometimes after a life curveball though (or a few at once!), some part of us blames ourselves or just gets exhausted and battered, and concludes maybe we're not awesome. But don't.  (And if you get stuck sometimes, dont be afraid to seek out a chance to talk it over in person with a CBT therapist or the like.) I honestly find you very  tenacious and resourceful and danged hardworking. Whatever happens, I don't think good things will stay away from you too long.


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## mudpuppy (Jan 10, 2014)

Thank you, everyone. I really like the "what is" approach, and the yoga approach of breathing and staying in the moment; one day at a time. I've been working on both, and they're helping calm things down a bit. Having a break over the holidays helped, too. It was a nice chance to take a deep breath mentally, step back a bit, and regroup. It's still scary, but not quite as overwhelming.

Thank you for listening, for your suggestions, and for your very kind words. I'm still feeling like one giant exposed nerve, so I'm going to call a counselling service. This roller coaster of emotion is exhausting. I had hoped it would get better once I was out of the craziness, but it seems to be getting worse.


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## forgetmenot (Jan 13, 2014)

Good for you reaching out for some support when you need it mudpuppy  I hope you get into counseling soon as just talking to someone will help you feel not so alone


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## mudpuppy (Jan 16, 2014)

Aaaand the counsellor I was to see tomorrow has called in sick, so I won't be able to get in for 2 weeks. "It's not urgent, is it?" No, ma'am, I guess it's not.

:hopelessness:


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## Mari (Jan 16, 2014)

Oh dear! What other support do you have to help you through until you can see a counsellor?


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## mudpuppy (Jan 16, 2014)

My mom, my bf, and here, mostly. I was hoping to give my poor mom & bf a break, maybe get some suggestions, or at least a different perspective on things. I have something that might turn unpleasant happening on Monday, and I'd really hoped to be able to discuss it in advance. Two weeks from now isn't nearly as helpful.


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## MHealthJo (Jan 16, 2014)

Feel free to chat more about it here if you wish Mudpuppy.


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## mudpuppy (Jan 17, 2014)

Thanks, MHJ. It's looking like I may have my first delinquent client on my hands, and I'm really not good with conflict. I thought I had a good relationship with these people, but apparently I've misjudged it. I knew I'd eventually have to deal with something like this, but I really hadn't expected it to be this early in the process. I'm doing research online about it, and I'm talking to a collection agency to find out what the usual procedures for this kind of thing are, and how to best handle it, but it's taking a much higher emotional toll than it would if I was feeling a bit less "exposed" after everything else that's happened in the recent past. I'm feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and generally inadequate to the challenge at the moment. Getting the info has helped; at least now I have a plan of "attack" if it becomes necessary. Now, if only I could stop my stomach from clenching up randomly and messing with my ability to eat, sleep, and enjoy things.....


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## MHealthJo (Jan 17, 2014)

Remember also, try not to take it personally... it may really not reflect any lack of good relationship building whatsoever. Absolutely every business or service will run into a certain portion of dishonest people who'll try their hand at getting something for nothing. 

All you can do is follow the best plan that you know to deal with these things, and consider it "just business". There's really nothing personal about it (even though they may try to make out such a thing); and by following your plan to try to get what you are owed, remember that you have a right and you're not doing anything dangerous or wrong. 

Glad that your research is serving you well! Man you've got gumption, and I suppose every entrepreneur has to do each thing/face each situation a first time. Gosh, it's something I do wonder about a lot, how businesspeople do all these things or how they learn it. Everyone I've ever known well has been a salaryperson/payroll, and I find business ownership or entrepreneurship absolutely baffling in a literally mythical way. Really admirable, and I have to say my knees would be knocking as hard as yours. (Not sure whether that's helpful to hear! But I definitely empathise.) Sending positive calm vibes! I do believe you will do well with it though.


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## mudpuppy (Jan 18, 2014)

It's very helpful, thank you! And thank you for your kind words. I sometimes think that entrepreneurship is as mythically baffling as you do, and wonder what the heck I'm getting myself into. I'm trying very hard not to take it personally, but you're right that they're certainly trying to make it that way. All kinds of loaded language such as "I'm not accusing" (yes, you surely are) and "don't take it personally" (which is exactly how it's supposed to be taken).

Things escalated unexpectedly tonight. At 11:30 I got a message from them which essentially blamed all the problems they've been having, for over a year, on me. This is especially interesting since I've only been working with them for 6 months, and the things they're pointing to as the cause of the problems (which a bunch of other people recognized immediately and were all well aware of in advance, apparently) have only been in place for 5 months. I guess I'm more powerful than I thought, affecting things that didn't exist 6-7 months before I was aware of them not existing...??   Waiting until the last minute, at nearly midnight, on a Friday is also pretty loaded, as is the two of them trying to bully me in tandem. Given how this has been playing out, I suspect this isn't the first time they've pulled this little act. It's a bit too choreographed to be entirely believable at face value.

I responded rationally, logically, with facts, information, and requests for details on exactly what the problems were that all these other people were able to spot, blindfolded. I also reminded them that the information they claim to be basing all this on is the very information that I asked them for repeatedly and didn't get. "Garbage in, garbage out." Can't make useful decisions on faulty information.

An hour and a half later, and there's no further reply. Ideally, they'll pay and go away. If not, I guess it's collection time.


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## MHealthJo (Jan 18, 2014)

Hey, you've done wonderfully!

Ugh you're right, they sound pretty good at what they're doing, and I'm sure it works nicely on a certain percentage of victims. Ewww. I can't believe what deceitful, conscience-less people are willing to put others through. 

You're playing hardball calmly and reasonably like a pro. Even if things don't settle easily and quickly this time, you've proved to yourself you can navigate through it and survive it. (And hopefully it won't be TOO often.) Well done! (Of course I do hope they pay soon and go away though! :/)


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## mudpuppy (Jan 31, 2014)

Quick update. After lengthy negotiations, and some significant backtracking on their part, we split the cost. And then I fired them. I feel so much freer! I hate having to deal with untrustworthy people.

Thank you again for your support. It's reassuring to know there's a place I can go to talk about this. It's all still very new and very overwhelming. I spend a lot of time feeling inadequate to meeting the challenge. But, one step at a time.....


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## mudpuppy (Feb 6, 2014)

And the weirdness continues. My partner was let go from his job yesterday, only a few days before the end of his probation period, for reasons that are so glaringly bogus they're nearly laughable. In hindsight it's pretty clear that they really didn't intend to keep him past his probation and just took what they could as cheaply as possible. At least he knows that he did his best, and there was nothing more he could have done to alter the outcome. In a way that's even more frustrating because it leaves him feeling so helpless. And I feel helpless because I can't do anything at all about it.


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## MHealthJo (Feb 10, 2014)

Bah. I'm sorry Mudpuppy. 

How are his options looking after this event? Will he need some sort of support or advice to make the best of his experiences and move forward to find something new?

It is a crazy time in history, in the world of work, it seems. At least in a lot of places in the world.


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## mudpuppy (Feb 11, 2014)

He's got a few options, fortunately. The reasons they gave were so ridiculous that he can't take them seriously enough to worry (he didn't exceed his goals by enough). The scariest part is how unpredictable it all is. He's skilled, adaptable, and hardworking, but that only seems to make him unemployable?!

If he can't manage, how can I? He's got so much more to offer, and even that's not enough. I'm feeling so inadequate that I've been feeling sick, and numb. I have no idea what to do next.


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## MHealthJo (Feb 12, 2014)

Please remember though that these situations don't always make sense, it's just a crazy crazy time in the world of work. And sometimes people are let go for reasons completely different from those stated - stupid unfair reasons such as jealousy, politics, etc, sometimes come into things. It sucks. Globalisation has decimated everything too, and it sometimes seems to me like the world simply has never quite gotten its bearings since then, or like we are all still struggling to make sense of it all. I know I definitely am.

Come to think of it, when I just said "it's a crazy crazy time in the world of work", I now realise I almost want to say "it's a crazy crazy time in the world of human beings". I don't know, I feel like it probably varies from place to place, but sometimes in recent times I do wonder how many of the people we work with or work under, or the people who run things generally or even run the world, are thinking straight or operating by good values that make sense. I sometimes have experiences that suggest to me that people are struggling more with modern life and getting crazier?... I don't know. I know I've been let go from a workplace once partly because I was the least bitchy person there; it was becoming more and more clear that I didn't fit in with the dysfunction. I know someone who has to fit in with widespread corruption and dysfunction and ridiculousness, that goes right to the top, in a government/council organisation. Money doesn't have to be made and work doesn't actually have to get done. What has to happen is people have to fit in with the craziness of the powerholders. And this is what my friend does, and he stays employed.  

So I just don't know hun. I do know that out there there are still workplaces that make sense. I think a person who does have a lot to offer, simply needs to find a place where THAT is what matters. I am sure that they still exist. It is so stressful and confusing though, dealing with this world we are living in now, I do feel that that is the case. I feel sad to see times when that negatively affects good people. I'm so sorry. I hope that you guys can get by in the meantime...


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## mudpuppy (Mar 26, 2014)

It is "crazy crazy", that's for sure. I've read your response through many times in the last month, MHealthJo, and it rings truer with each reading.

He's applied for about 20 jobs but been interviewed for only one, which he didn't get. Now the most likely job will take him 3 hours away, which will make everything but money so much more difficult. From a selfish point of view, he's a major part of my support, and I'm really not looking forward to not having him around.

That seems so much like a giant step backwards. We'd finally managed to get him here, and now we can't even maintain that. According to all the articles on "how to be a good employee" and "things to do to get hired", there should be people lined up trying to lure him to work for them, yet he can't even get an interview for a temporary part-time position. I feel so helpless, and I feel so scared.


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## MHealthJo (Mar 27, 2014)

I am so sorry hun. 

Do you guys have anything to fall back on or back up your day to day needs, accomodation options etc, while you are going through this hard  time, if things take a while - even if that means just family support, or some sort of government support?


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## mudpuppy (Mar 27, 2014)

Fortunately EI is covering the financial end for a few months, so that's not a pressing worry for now.

As for social types of support, we've been trying to build a friend network, but if he has to move, that's going to have an effect on things. I've experienced what happens to a single in a couples-based group; the invitations dry up pretty quickly. Very much the same way I was gradually excluded from my singles-based group when I started dating him. They were suddenly "too busy" to get together with me, even for coffee or lunch during the workday. It's very isolating.

I own my house, so he'll be finding an apartment near where he works and I'll be staying here, because selling isn't an option at the moment. Back to a long distance relationship, which we thought we'd managed to put behind us 2 years ago. At least it's only 3 hours this time, and not 6. Unless he doesn't get this job, then the next one is 9 hours away.

I have my parents here, which is a good thing, but he'll lose that support if he has to move. He's not close to his family, in any definition of the word "close".

I know it's not all bad, and it's only for a year or two, but it feels so arbitrary and unpredictable and overwhelming right now, and I'm feeling totally inadequate to facing any more of it. Maybe this will give some stability to things for awhile? I hope so.


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## MHealthJo (Apr 17, 2014)

It is truly frustrating, the difficulty so many are having in getting circumstances stable and reasonably comfortable/doable these days. It truly feels like 21st century life us just not what we grew up with or what we saw on TV. Just a different world. (There's some Japanese concepts called Freeters and NEETs vs Salarymen, which are an interesting look at how the 2nd half of the 20th century influenced Japanese life, and then how the nineties and beyond have seen a new movement. I feel the same thing exists in the West, but maybe not to such an either/or or "black or white" degree. Neither idea seems particularly "ideal" to me, and I don't know what the answer is...  except for maybe our lives and societies and whole world not being based on globalised capitalism. You may also be interested in the Occupy or We Are the 99% movements.)

Sometimes I think that it will take us the whole 21st  century to figure out how to deal with the 21st century. That is if it is possible to figure out what the heck is going on in the 21st century, and if there is going to be any stability or predictability at all from year to year in any way, shape, or form in the 21st century. :/

Sometimes I think the 21st century is mainly going to be about deep breathing and yoga, anxiety/unpredictability management, total resignation of the psychological/spiritual concept of 'ego' (because that depends a fair bit on stability, predictability, and enduring constructs around ourselves), and getting very grateful for very very basic day to day needs. (Blech that's no fun?!?!) Sometimes I think the Western world, even its buildings, infrastructure, systems, ways of life, habits, expectations, standards of living... everything... is based on the 20th century, and the world has simply changed too much. Everything is different and it's like we need... like a total "do-over".

WOW THANKS 21ST CENTURY THAT'S GOING TO BE REALLY EASY AND SIMPLE TO ADJUST TO FOR BABY BOOMERS, GEN X's AND GEN Ys RAISED ON 1950s -1980s WESTERN AFFLUENCE.   

NOT. 

Your attitude as usual Mudpuppy is amazing. Keep us posted on how you are managing.


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## mudpuppy (Jun 17, 2014)

Thanks for your reply, MHJo. I hear you loud 'n' clear on how different things are. I'm really hoping it will become different in a good way once the baby-boomers start retiring in droves and leaving behind a bunch of open jobs. *fingers crossed*

Sorry for the delay in replying. Things have been pretty hectic for the last couple of months. At the beginning of May we went to another province to move my partner's elderly aunt into an assisted living complex after a gruellling 2-year wait. It's a wonderful place, with great people, and she got an amazing apartment in it. Sadly, the day before we got back home (we were still on the road) we got a call that she'd passed away unexpectedly. She'd only been in the place 5 days. Talk about shock. We had things to do at home (medical test and yet another difficult (and unsuccessful) job interview for my partner), then we had to turn around and go all the way back to deal with her estate as best we could in only 3 days (we were clearing out her stuff on her birthday). She loved the place, and I'm glad she got the little time there that she did, but it feels very much like she was cheated, after such a long and unpleasant wait to get in. She and my partner were fairly close, so this has been hard on him.

We got back, got all the stuff we didn't have time to deal with put into storage, and then found out, in rapid succession, that my partner's brother has been diagnosed with a potentially serious health issue, and his own medical test (from the week between inter-provincial trips) shows that he has something that will need long-term treatment, too. Needless to say, he's reeling. 

I had an appointment with a counsellor (the same guy that fell through in January) last week, and my partner's going to see him this week. He seems like he's got a lot to offer, but we may not be able to see him very much due to financial considerations.

I'm feeling so helpless. I need to get things around my house fixed, two of the tires on my van didn't survive the winter, and everything else that is necessary or could be useful requires money that we simply don't have. No matter how hard my partner tries to find work, he always seems to come second, even losing out to people who don't meet the posted minimum requirements (multiple times), which makes it even more of a slap.

Whereas the messages I'm getting are, "you're wonderful, amazing, and we couldn't have done it without you; here's your pink slip", he's getting ones that say, "you're incredible, anyone who hires you gets an outstanding employee, but we've decided to go with the person who did a few hours volunteer work last year to run the department instead. Good luck, and thanks for applying" (yes, he actually did lose out on a managerial position to someone who'd only done a few hours of volunteer work because "she knows the department already"). He's even had people we considered to be friends tell him about jobs in their departments opening up; in one case he interviewed with the friend a week or so before we left, yet hasn't heard anything back for nearly two months; in the other case, the friend who told him about the job was doing the hiring, but my partner didn't even get an interview. Nor has he heard anything back from that "friend" about the competition. WTF? Why would you go out of your way to tell someone about an upcoming opening, encourage them to apply (because you have such a _hard time finding good people_), then treat them that way? He's thought about asking them, but he's so hurt and angry that he might say something regrettable, and even the best-case scenario is that he'll hear either obvious BS, or that he lost out yet again to someone less qualified.

So now we're both in limbo. After him sending out over 100 unsuccessful applications in the last two years, and my being let go from all of the jobs I've had since graduation, it's pretty clear that the profession we both worked so hard to enter (and paid so much to qualify for) has no interest in either of us, in spite of constantly telling both of us how valuable we are.

I feel numb. I don't know what to do. I can't help the person I care the most about. I can't help myself. I don't want to do any of this anymore, but I don't know what else to do. Whatever I try just seems to make things worse, if it has any visible effect at all.

Again, thank you for listening. It would be so much harder without you being here to talk to.


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## MHealthJo (Jun 17, 2014)

Gosh.... I'm so sorry Mudpuppy... just... wow.

 Hugs...

I'm glad you'll both have some chance to talk over all of this with a counsellor, even if it's limited by finances. A heck of a lot has gone on for both of you.

I think there's useful deconstructing, thinking, maybe career-grieving, that you'll both be able to do with knowledgeable support. Maybe too, a decent proportion of people seeing counsellors at this time could be going through some similar stuff. Hopefully some of your experiences will be familiar territory for the counsellor, which could be reassuring, and you could end up benefiting from the work he/she has done helping others with somewhat similar experiences.

Sometimes after enough of a reeling and grief process, more strength comes again, to continue trying to make sense of new and unfamiliar realities.

It's OK not to feel strong... it can be OK to let sad or fearful feelings flow through you... have good cries... etc.

Thinking of you... 

Keep doing whatever things might be soothing and self-caring for you... that can include some long sleeps and/or good cries if you feel like it. xx


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## mudpuppy (Jun 20, 2014)

I think you're spot on that grieving, for many different things, is certainly a part of it all. I hadn't thought that the counsellor might be seeing a lot of people dealing with the same kind of things right now. That's a very good point.

Thank you for saying it's OK.  I needed to hear that. I've been trying to sleep, sometimes with success. Sometimes there are horrible dreams, or racing thoughts that pounce out of the darkness. I suspect the dogs are happy to see me leave for a few hours so they can finally get some uninterrupted sleep!

I read the book Wishcraft awhile ago, and there's a suggestion in there that I think I might try. She suggests creating a virtual cheering section (either real people, historical figures, totally imaginary, or a combination) and putting their pictures on the wall. When things get tough, ask what they'd have to say about the situation; how would it look through their eyes. It seems like a good way to create a different perspective on things.

I've realized that I'm setting a lot of arbitrary deadlines for myself (as are others), then getting really down on myself when I don't meet them. "Yes, you did a dozen things today, but what happened to the other 97? You lazy slacker!" Heh, I'm probably beating myself up for doing that, too. :facepalm:

I've also noticed that I have a number of highly critical people in my social media contacts (i.e. I posted about having to clear a squatter's stash out from behind my fence, and got a lecture on the plight of the homeless (I guess doubly so 'cause I cleared out the stash?); I posted about how lovely the green tunnel of trees is in the neighbourhood, and got a rant about the city pruning crews) , so I'll be doing a weeding of that in the near future.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening, answering, and helping me to see things more clearly. :thanks:


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## mudpuppy (Jun 30, 2014)

... and now my partner seems to have embarked on this quest to "save" me. Not sure from what. Myself? The world? I dunno, but it seems to involve pointing out the things that don't meet his expectations and suggesting ways I could improve them. Really? I don't need saving! I need a PARTNER! I need someone to be in the trenches with me, not yet another person standing on the sidelines telling me what doesn't meet with their approval. I need a cheerleader, not a drill sergeant.

All of a sudden in the last week or two it feels like we're not on the same side anymore. I thought the counsellor would help, and that stepping back for a bit to evaluate what's been happening was a good thing. The last thing I expected was yet another relationship that would require me to be someone different for it to work. I've had enough of those already. This wasn't how I was planning on spending our third anniversary (tomorrow).

I've tried talking to him, but he just shuts down and pulls even further away. So now I sit and wait and hope that this, too, isn't vanishing before my eyes.

I don't need this. I don't know if I can handle this. He is (was?) my support. He kept me going. He had my back.


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## MHealthJo (Jul 10, 2014)

Gosh, I'm sorry that there seems to be a difficult dynamic going on.

Do you guys see the counsellor together, or separately? Do you both feel comfortable and trusting of him/her?

I wonder if it would be useful to together talk about that dynamic and how you feel about it with the counsellor?

Boundaries and where they lie in which situation is one of the trickiest things in life, I say. When one member of a relationship (or both) is going through particularly hard times, boundaries very often blur and the comfortable/familiar lines around our interactions tend to get more fuzzy. Hope you two can keep talking about it. (Remember too that it can just be a symptom of change and figuring stuff out.... a phase of something to be worked out, but not necessarily a danger or doom sign. Gosh it can be hard not to think negatively though after/during dealing with a big bunch of negatives and very hard times. Hang in there Mudpuppy...)


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## mudpuppy (Jul 23, 2014)

We've each seen the counselor once individually, but not together. At this point I'm not sure of how much of an issue it really is (transient or not), and I'm afraid of making it into something bigger than it needs to be. I mentioned that I'm feeling really overwhelmed lately and feeling unequal to even the basics; that seems to have moderated the push to add more tasks to the "should do" list.

[time passes]

We've had a couple of good talks about the difference between "helping" and "fixing" (one just a few mins ago, in fact), and that's helped, too. He's in the process of arranging for a new apartment (the one he's in has been turning into a vertical slum under the new management) and the anxiety over that is actually helping him to understand a bit better how I'm feeling about all the stuff I'm handling. The new place is quite a bit further away in the city, but I think it'll be a much healthier place for him, on many levels. I think we can find a happy middle ground where he feels like he's helping me without it leading to me freaking out. :like:

It's been hot here for the past couple of weeks, so I haven't been getting as much done as I might have liked, and that (as well as the discomfort and lack of sleep from the heat) has been wreaking havoc with my anxiety. The forecast is for cooler weather for a few days after today, and boy do I hope that's right! I desperately need a break from my own brain and body for awhile, and that's so much easier to do when I don't feel like I'm melting. And can sleep more than 4 hours a night.


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## mudpuppy (Aug 5, 2014)

Some good news (yay!) this week. I've acquired two new clients for my business, and my partner has two job interviews later this week. Both of the positions are out of town (45 minutes and an hour, respectively), but not so far out that day trips aren't possible. They're also both in the profession that we trained for, so may have potential for future advancement.

And mixed news, my Dad's in the hospital with pneumonia, but they caught it earlier than usual this time, so he's responded really well and may be back home faster than usual as a result. Apparently he's having fun kibitzing with the staff.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 5, 2014)

That is good news  i do hope your partner interviews go well and he lands a position with one of them


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## MHealthJo (Aug 6, 2014)

Good to hear you're hanging in there,and good for you guys on those positive things! 

(We all do a lot of 'hanging in there' around here, haha...      )


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## mudpuppy (Sep 2, 2014)

Well, he didn't get either job. The one that looked so promising hasn't even had the class to tell him he didn't get it.

On a happier note, he's moved into a new apartment that's so much better. Even on the first day, surrounded by boxes, it felt more home-like than the other one had, even after 2 years. This is such a huge step. He also has a lead on a job in another field entirely that I think he'll do well in. I'm hoping a corner has been turned to a better situation.

I'm getting repairs done on my house tomorrow, so my anxiety is currently on "high". Y'know, the whole "strangers around my house" thing, but I know it's going to look great when it's done, and it really does NEED to be done, so I'm focusing on that.... well, trying to, at least. One day at a time. One hour or one minute if necessary.


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## forgetmenot (Sep 3, 2014)

Hi mudpuppy lets hope he gets this new job and that like you said a corner has been turned for both of you.   He is living in a better place now and when your home has it repairs done you will be able to enjoy it more as well.     Yes  taking one day at a time is a good way to handle things  been doing that for a while now myself  I do hope you have more peaceful days enjoyable days ahead for you


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## mudpuppy (Sep 23, 2014)

Hi all,

Quick update.

On Friday the guy that had caused me so much trouble in my last job (the one they kept when they laid me off) passed away suddenly, leaving a huge void in the company. I won't go back full time, but might consider doing work on a contract basis if asked. This has stirred up all kinds of emotions linked back to the last few months I was there. It's amazing how thoughts and feelings can come rushing back, as if out of nowhere, when something happens like this. To hear the comments flying around in emails and on social media, I'm expecting him to be granted sainthood at any moment. I'm sorry for his family; he was close to his stepkids and their kids, but I can't quite bring myself to join in the wailing and gnashing of teeth, I'm afraid. The next couple of weeks could be very interesting.

In happier news:

It looks like my partner's new job is going to become something permanent, even if full or part time hasn't been settled yet, which is wonderful. He's also started taking training in that field, which he's enjoying, and which will help him with work, too. The new apartment is still wonderful.

My business is still growing through word of mouth recommendations. It's so humbling to have people recommending me to others like that. Oh, and I got my second client renewal for another year, which means I won't have to worry about income for nearly the rest of the year. *whew* I guess I'm doing something right, eh?

Also, the work on the house has been done and looks great. There were a few minor issues, but nothing horrible. Also *whew*. I can relax a bit now.


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## forgetmenot (Sep 23, 2014)

Thanks for the update on how you are doing mudpuppy    You are doing well at your business  i think i would not rush back into a place that caused you so much stress  but only you have to decide if it is worth it or not.  Good your partner has a job now and you have a lovely place to live   and you have time to relax   hugs


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## MHealthJo (Sep 25, 2014)

I am so happy to hear positive developments for you  Mudpuppy! Oh my gosh, I kept on thinking..... "WHEN is a little break going to come for this gal!!"  So nice for some recognition and developments to be coming through from various avenues for both of you. And great decision to not go back full time to such a dysfunctional place, but to have it available as just a part-income-source on your terms for your best interests.

Great to hear it, and keep on keeping on.  

Yeah, and hope you can manage the North Korea Style mourning procession for the other guy. Sometimes you don't always know certain things too... I guess it's always possible that his family might have had a little bit of that dynamic going on behind the scenes, too, who knows. The point is, your purely business relationship and various factors mean you can take what he's left behind and focus on that part. 

Glad things will be a little easier for a while, good for you Mudpuppy.


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## mudpuppy (Oct 28, 2014)

It certainly is a relief to have things going forward for a change. The ride is still bumpy and scary, but now it's heading in a much better direction. Such a huge relief!

My next project is to try to get my house under control. After a bad relationship, a bout of depression (where the meds were worse than the problem), and 6 years of getting a Masters degree while working full time, the place has piled up shamefully. The problem is that it's not just piles of stuff, it's also piles of memories and reminders of things past, not always pleasant. Much like tiptoeing through a mine field, in fact.

It takes so much to get started, knowing what I might stumble across. I'm ashamed of the state it's in, and so overwhelmed by it all. It's improved over the past year since the layoff (I can't believe it's been a whole year already!) but it's been such slow going.

I know you can't come and help [emoji6] but it helps to talk. Wrapping words around the bogeymen lurking in the piles makes them less scary and easier to face.

Thank you for listening.


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## mudpuppy (Nov 10, 2014)

Today's a bad day. I slept poorly and had horrible dreams, and everything is so overwhelming. Decluttering the house, finding enough work to cover the bills, getting all the annual stuff taken care of (doctor, car, dogs, etc.) with not enough income providing emotional support to my parter who's in a similar situation. Friends who only seem to be available when they want something, or not even then. Even small things aren't going right: no power cable with my new computer monitor, magpies tore open the garbage and spread it across the yard.... I'm feeling like I've totally messed up my life. How did it ever get here, and how can I ever get it headed in the right direction again?


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## MHealthJo (Nov 11, 2014)

Our minds do dwell that way on a bad day or when times have been really tough, and it's strange how sometimes 'small' things can just be 'too much' and make us feel beaten down. It really is a challenge to find something positive to dwell on sometimes, or to think of what we're struggling for. The "Light at the end of the tunnel" to keep fighting for, can seem elusive or nonexistent....

Sometimes at those times all we can do is try  to focus on what we have survived, what we have gotten through, that we are still here and we are still fighting on. And when a more major light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see, sometimes it can be helpful to hunt carefully for the little "lights" we can find right now .... even if it means taking a walk near nature or the natural ground and noticing tiny things that are calming and joyful.... or little joys that are always there in life.... movies, stories, biographies or documentaries (maybe a different style of all those things that we wouldn't normally choose), art, music, games, diversions, exercise or sport (which I've recently read, if fairly regular, actually destroys unhappiness / stress chemicals in our body and prevents them from reaching our brain as much! Incredible.), connecting with someone new or a low-cost group on Meetup.com or on a community noticeboard to explore a new interest.... Different for everyone... or something very new to us can do wonders. Sometimes looking for some new novelty can inject something fresh into us and keep us going.... It can inject freshness into our relationships and our thought process and energy levels too. I have to drag myself to do that type of thing sometimes, but then I realise it's the foundation and lifeblood of life, really.

I also use a great little CBT program for Android called Cognitive Diary by ExcelAtLife. Trying to make an entry every day or few days helps me keep finding positives and patting myself on the back, seeing possibilities and options, seeing all the good we have in us or what we've accomplished or that we've fought hard; small everyday things and large things.... when those  mean-to-ourselves, negative, or perfectionistic thoughts creep in. Be careful of that Mudpuppy, cos you can be quite hard on yourself sometimes and forget about your awesomeness, or maybe sometimes do you feel quite negative towards yourself when you express other valid sides of humanity such as vulnerability, needing to recuperate and be human and unproductive for a bit, getting overwhelmed or stuck sometimes etc...?  I don't know if it is available for iPhones too... but the designer's Excel At Life website has lots of good stuff that can be accessed there. David Burns' classic book "Feeling Good" is also amazing for helping keep our thoughts as positive as they can be and squeezing the positives out of life, and letting ourselves be human, and remembering we're still awesome and humanness is allowed.  Dr Russ Harris' books are excellent too.

Keep on truckin' mate, you've done so well, and you're still alive and kickin'. (And evil-eye that magpie if you see him again....)

Meanwhile, I've just discovered I have to mop out the dirty overflowed washing machine water that overflowed by my own oversight, from a load of washing that I'm actually washing because a few days ago dirty washing machine water overflowed on it by my own oversight. 

*insert varous sounds of rage*


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## PrincessX (Nov 11, 2014)

You're so awesome MHJo!


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## forgetmenot (Nov 11, 2014)

Hugs to you mudpuppy   New day today  hope it is less stressful    Look back and see what you have accomplished ok   Take one day at a time  hugs


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## MHealthJo (Nov 11, 2014)

PrincessX said:


> You're so awesome MHJo!



Aw shucks. Haha Thanks P.

*mops furiously*


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## heatherly (Nov 13, 2014)

I hope your new counseling business goes well mudpuppy. Try to not think about "it will not last."  I must have been taught that years ago that "good things won't last." I don't know how I got over it outside of just thinking how good things are in the moment. Think of all the things you are learning in your new business that will even help you in the future. 

And you are not being incoherent.


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## mudpuppy (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you all for your kind words of support. You're all pretty awesome! 

MHJo, I've been trying that app you recommended and really like it. It makes me think, which may not always be what I want to do, but it's something that I need to do, at least occasionally. I've also found another one called "Stop Breathe & Think" that's a combo mood journal and meditation app that's really nice. I've also been chugging my way through Burns' book "When Panic Attacks", slowly, but steadily, and that helps, too.

I find it interesting that once I passed the one-year anniversary of the layoff, I've been able to sleep much better. In fact, I've been getting about 11 hours sleep a night. I have no doubt that this catching up on what's probably many years' worth of sleep deficit will be a big help.

I think I'm a bit gun-shy from the turmoil that has characterized the last few years. It seemed every time something good happened, something negative, and much larger, followed almost immediately after. Oddly enough, I think the fact that things have been going so well lately has me wanting to cower under my desk. The fallout from *THAT MUCH GOOD* is going to take out a few city blocks.... Yea, I know that's irrational, but there it is.

As you've all said, I need to focus on the _right here_ and _right now_. If I stray from that, things seem to start going pear-shaped. It happens most often on weekends, when I spend time with my partner, and thoughts of what the future holds tend to intrude more than usual. He's also had a hard time of things in the last few years, and is still having a hard time. The thrill of looking forward to "someday" is much more enjoyable in the 20s than it is in the 50s. Yes, we both have enough savings to take up the slack that our current incomes don't cover, but that was supposed to be for retirement, and the amount of time to earn it back is shorter now; certainly nowhere near the amount of time it took to accumulate it in the first place. It would help financially if he could move in, but my house isn't in any state for that to happen (thanks to the debris from a decade of neglect, which is being worked through, but much more slowly than I'd like, and definitely more slowly than he'd like), and I'm not sure he'd be comfortable living here anyway (it's a tiny old house that's perfect for a tiny old woman, which doesn't describe him in the least). It might also be a bit crazy, but I don't want to move in with someone for strictly financial reasons. If I live with someone I want it to be because they want to live with me, not because it would save money and I'm the cost of doing that. If that makes sense? And there I go getting ahead of the here & now and getting into a dither again.

The magpies discovered something red in the garbage bag that they disemboweled (no idea what it was), but a half-dozen of them spent the next couple of hours playing with it, which was fun to watch. All the swooping and stealing, and showing off!

Then that evening the snow shovel I've had for 20+ years broke. *sigh* It was a mixed day.... :facepalm:

Well, I'd better go and brace myself to tackle more good news.  Hope the mopping is going well, MHJo! Thank you all again for your kindness.


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## forgetmenot (Nov 19, 2014)

Hope today brings you less stress and more peace mudpuppy and you are so right focusing on the here and now try not to look to far forward ok  It is good that new app is helping you  that MHJo suggested  continue to use it ok    You are doing all the right things to stay focused   hugs


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## MHealthJo (Nov 19, 2014)

Yep, Lots of people definitely understand EXACTLY what you mean, Mudpuppy, about "Oh... nothing too terrible is happening... Some things are going quite well...." --and it just makes them get very nervous and "wait for the other shoe to drop"! Gosh a couple/few shocker years can do that to you, for sure.

Yeah, it's definitely understandable what you are saying - wanting to move together at the right time for the right reasons. 

Yep, I have no idea what's 'normal' or 'average' anymore - financial changes this century have flipped people upside down for sure, and I think many are definitely still floundering around trying to make sense of living with different realities, trying to work out what's best for them personally, and probably coming to varying different conclusions that are still evolving. Gosh, what the GFC era has done to retirement funds/retirement plans for a certain group, I can only try to imagine. Some have more years coming for their investments to recover a bit, while others it was like, BAM - right when they needed to use it. Gosh.

Maybe some types of people will revert to possibly "emphasis on material resources" thinking styles, being more eager to pool resources sooner; while others will be happier to keep making ends meet as they are, if it means they can carefully give themselves time to move their life at the right pace for them. Good for you for making sure you honour your feelings and instincts. Keep communicating feelings and needs to each other so that when the right time comes, you will be moving together because you want to be together and care about each other a lot, AND because it will be financially useful - you're right, having all those factors beats having just the latter one and some not-sureness on the former. Once your partner knows you need reassurance about the first one, and knows some ways that might help meet that need for you, you might find you do start to feel more reassured of that at the right time. I've read about how people tend to have different "love languages" that they put emphasis on, and once they have a good idea of what 'love langages' each other tends to use - as well as what ones to try to make a bit more effort in because it's the best one for their partner - it's surprising how their partner's reassurance level can increase quite a bit from something that's in a way a bit of a "semantics" thing! Haha. But that's the way we are, we humans vary a lot and we tend to have certain things we do value, want and need, and it's OK to help our partners understand that so that we can grow together and try to get our needs met as best we can. You might also be able to get reassurance / understandingness or possibly combined plans /a combined taskforce on sorting out the house...depending on what your preferences are.

That's interesting about the anniversary.... A one year mental mark of a 'grief period' perhaps? We do grieve these things.... unexpected stuff or when we feel like the rug gets pulled under us; something unfair or crazy; a culmination of a very stressful time; an aftermath of a very stressful time; a picking-up-the-pieces time; an adjustment...all sorts of things....that's for sure....   Either way, so nice that you are sleeping better. You've done really, really very well.

Hahaha, those wacky magpies sound cute now!   ... Well...hmmm.... I bet  it's one of those type of things that can be funny and cute, as long as it's an OK day and you haven't already "had it up to here" with something, haha.  

Hahaha, thanks for the mopping moral support. Oh lord, I've finally just brought in the last of the clean dry  loads after  my overflow situation. For a couple days I  had to let a couple of  piles of dirty wet grossness sit on the floor until my washer could get through the job, not put delicates with heavy duty, etc. Heaven grant me the wisdom to remember to check pockets for tissues that are going to block the dirty water drain. Hahaha.

---------- Post Merged at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:59 PM ----------

Oh, you already have lots of reading and tools on your plate Mudpuppy so don't overload yourself, and I may have mentioned this one earlier - can't remember. But just in case I forget, I'll just add as a postscript so you've got it for reference if you want it - another great one for remembering to stay "in the now" is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I like the audio version, his voice is soothing. It's sort of where mindfulness meets some Eastern thought. You're doing wonderfully; travel at what pace you find best for you. If you do find mindfulness / meditation/relaxation stuff useful in the end, as many people who tend toward anxiety /future worries do, you may find relaxation exercises and tools in that vein - for example at ACT Mindfully | Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Training with Russ Harris ; or there might be some recommendations in the back of the David Burns book or there's that type of tool done by  excelatlife as well.


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## mudpuppy (Jan 12, 2015)

Just wanted to touch base. Thank you for your input, MHJo. I've read your last post so many times, I think I can quote parts of it from memory now. It's been helping a lot lately.

Still working on the "right here, right now" thing. Still struggling with it.

My Dad ended up in hospital a couple of weeks before Xmas with what they think was a small stroke that weakened his right leg. He's had a few of them, and while not individually debilitating, they're chipping away at his strength and, in one case, the vision in his left eye. He's doing well and is currently in a rehab hospital where he's working diligently at getting strong enough to go home. He's just come off quarantine for the 'flu, and today he's got to go for x-rays and and an EKG to check out his heart because apparently he stopped breathing for a few seconds during a lung-function test. One thing after another, after another. His 89th birthday's on Friday, so we may show up with silly hats and a cupcake to celebrate.

My partner's been really busy lately with training and another new part time job (with hopes of a 3rd in a month or so). At this rate I may not see him for the next few months for anything more than lunch, even if we were living together. He's been pulling away lately, but that may just be trying to deal with all the new job demands, so I'm refusing to let myself worry (much) for the time being. I really hope the new job(s) work(s) out; he needs a win even more than I do.

Here's hoping for the best for all of us, and all those we love, in the coming year.


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## forgetmenot (Jan 12, 2015)

Your father sounds like a fighter mudpuppy   Hope his therapy helps him to recuperate quickly   Hope all goes well with your partners new job. 
Have you talked to your partner at all about how you feel he is pulling away  Perhaps just opening up letting your partner know what it is you are feeling will help some.   thanks for the update on what is happening


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## mudpuppy (Jan 12, 2015)

He is a fighter, for sure. The social worker was telling us today how impressed everyone is at the hospital with how hard he's working to get stronger. That felt good.

I've thought about talking with my partner, but I'm afraid of adding to his stress levels right now. For the time being I'm just going to float along and see if things improve or get worse. It's entirely possible that there's simply too much happening for him right now, and he's losing track of things in the flood. But if the distance keeps growing, I'll for sure say something.

Thanks for your reply.


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## mudpuppy (Feb 12, 2015)

Update time! Dad's home, and homecare should start next week, which will be a nice break for Mom. He's thrilled to be home. I suspect Mom's torn between thrilled that he's home again, and a bit miffed at losing the independence she had. Mind you, I think the independence was starting to morph to loneliness, so "thrilled" is probably winning the battle. 

Things with my partner have improved on the relationship front. On the job front, he's being jerked around worse than ever. He went through the entire hiring/interview process only to have them say that they don't think they did it right the first time around, so they're going to start over from scratch. They claim he's still a valid candidate, but I'll only believe it if he's hired. It has all the earmarks of someone's friend not getting through to the final rounds, so they're going to try again by derailing the whole process. It's disheartening to get so far only to have it taken away.

My business is quiet (read: dead) right now. I finished a largish project at the end of January, but my net income for the year so far is under $300, which is a bit nervous-making. I know I have enough in savings to carry me for more than a year, even if I don't make anything in that time, but it's still nervous-making.

This week's been a bit rough. I'm feeling like a failure, and I'm not entirely sure why. The house, the business, family, relationship.... just general inadequacy. Like the best I'm capable of will never be quite enough. I hate feeling like this.

Anyway, life goes on.  Take care, and happy Valentine's to everyone.


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## MHealthJo (Feb 14, 2015)

Hey, glad your dad is doing OK!

It's a tough feeling that you describe. Sometimes I ask myself, Who exactly is this person that I'm worrying about being "good enough" FOR? And why are their standards so dang high? Don't they see all the challenges I've faced and am facing, and just how hard life is? Mr Whoever You Are?  Do they have my exact personal makeup or background or brain and nervous system and genetics and  exact past experiences or my exact luck? Oh right, so they have all those things 100% exactly the same and could have done 'better', could they? Just WHO ARE YOU, SIR?? Superior Judgmental  Doppelganger Of Me, I demand that you show yourself!!! 

I think the most important thing is to just survive what life throws at us, and just try to follow our values in the way that best seems to fit at a given time. Once I put the value of self-compassion above the possibility of judgments (some of which could just be our mind-creations or schemas anyway), and above the self-judgmental side of myself, it was a very good thing for me. 

(Don't forget, we can only have so many priorities or values sitting high on our Values List at any time. Self-care & rest & self-nurturing has been high on mine for a couple years, and Tidy Organised House and some other things have been low. That's the way it's needed to be. Although I'm ready to start attempting to switch things around a bit now.) 

 And the 'self-compassion' value allows for mistakes, flaws, 'inadequacies',  humanness, wrong turns, less-than-perfect productivity, and wobbly trajectories. Thank goodness. So many of us carry unrealistic, judgmental and exacting expectations for ourselves somewhere inside; and it's strange that we can carry those without really being consciously aware of it. My younger self really had a lot of that going on, without sort of consciously knowing it. Another interesting exercise can be to ask ourselves, "Would I be looking very judgmentally or critically on someone ELSE in this position - if it was a friend, acquaintance, stranger, family member or relative, or someone other than me?"

PrincessX also reminded me the other day of the value (necessity?) of relentless positive self-talk. I have been putting off using CBT tools for a long time, my brain was getting daunted, thinking "What are the steps again?" The phrase PrincessX used reminded me that maybe right now I don't need to overcomplicate it if that's going to put me off - I can just start again trying to remember to say tons of kind, compassionate, friendly, positive, appreciating, complimentary, positive-noticing things to myself every single day, about every endless tiny thing that I do or quality I have, the smallest everyday normal things, whatever I have survived so far or any new thing I have learned or new thing I have done or tried, ever, , or just surviving; it really doesn't matter what.  Even if we are not where we'd like to be or we think we could have done more, could have done better, could have achieved more - we could ALWAYS say that! No matter who we are or what we've done. The most amazing ultra-achieving, super successful person could still say that to themselves. Heh heh. Maybe that's what's behind insatiable endless corporate greed.  

Or hey, one other option is... remembering how many people there are out there who are just, um, really not good people. And compare yourself to them, if you're gonna do some comparing.   When you feel like doing this, I have some TV and movie recommendations: Jerry Springer, Jersey Shore, Enron.... I could go on........   


Haha, nice to chat Mudpuppy!


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## mudpuppy (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi again. As usual, MHJo, I've read your reply so many times that I'm surprised it's not starting to fade from all the eye tracks on it.

Dad's been back into the hospital and home again since my last post. He's starting to get noticeably weaker, which is hard. Fortunately, they've got homecare in twice a day and have had a few additions made to the house (railings and such) that will make things easier. They'll also be starting in-home physio in the near future. The sad fact is, though, that he can't manage the 3 steps from the kitchen to the back door, so he's pretty much housebound. Mom keeps talking about them getting out and doing things (like get him new glasses) "when he gets stronger". Sadly, I don't think that's going to happen. The difference between when he came home in Feb and when he came home last month was visible. I'm afraid that the next time he ends up in the hospital he'll be going into a care facility instead of going home. Mom wants support but resents "interference", so it's becoming an increasingly fine line to walk.

The business is still moribund, so I'm going to start mailing out letters offering my services. This is whole new uncharted territory for me, which is scary. Otherwise, things on the work front remain unchanged.

My partner (such a sweet guy) bought me an air conditioner for the bedroom, and a light-blocking curtain, so I've been able to sleep somewhat during the hot weather we've been having. Still not great sleep, but at least it's no worse than usual.

And so things continue chugging along. No better, but thankfully no worse.


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## PrincessX (Jul 7, 2015)

Hi mudpuppy, so nice to hear from you! 
Just wanted to say, I am really sorry your father is sick and getting weaker. And, being house bound is not fun. A thought that crossed my mind was,  if he would be in a condition to use a wheelchair for getting out in the backyard. I don't know anything about his situation, so excuse me, if this suggestion is inappropriate, discuss it with his health team, or ask them for more suggestions.
 It is very hard for family members to cope with their loved one's deteriorating condition. I guess feeling powerless, angry, denial will all interplay. Make sure you have enough information and know what to expect in regards to his medical situation. This will allow for more time to adjust to it psychologically and to start planning for meeting his care needs without sacrificing your own health.
Also, sorry to hear about your business struggles, economy is hard nowadays. I know of a couple of people, who tries 2-3 different undertakings before achieving success. It is not always easy. Good luck.


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## MHealthJo (Jul 7, 2015)

Thinking of you and family Mudpuppy. I too have in recent times started to see things in my parents that make me face the reality that those I care about will not be exempt from, well, 'the natural order of things', and stuff that may come along in all the years in between. It's just such a hard thing. No matter how much you intellectually 'know' these things are to come, it seems like life is so full of other stuff to deal with and cope with and take care of, that it still hits us like a ton of bricks when we finally start to come upon the twilight years of our parents. It's something where I think we all tend to politely listen to the details of what's happening when it's an acquaintance, but I guess in that deep well of recorded human emotion and human experience that we call the internet, we finally see the reality of the complex feelings and thoughts that bloggers or commenters or forum posters have been generous to share.... the 'real deal' of this stuff that is suddenly upon us. It's been tough to think about.... and also to think about the sheer practicalities for the later phases of life - what will work best, how well will they adjust, what level of responsibility do I have at different stages to be around or do what things,  with what level of regularly, how much  time to spend, how to balance that against other stuff, etc.... since i know that no matter how much or how well i do, I will not be able to wave my magic wand and make their abilities, certain circumstances or possibilities of life, quality of life, etc, as good as earlier or healthier years. It's a hard thing.

 Argh. As quite often happens to me, I have found it helpful to google phrases about my feelings or situation and read what people have written, and so  feel not alone and see people who feel similar things or see their different expressions of feelings. As well as chat about it too. I mean it's a grief really - it's a grief of a 'life circumstance' changing and certain possibilities changing. Definitely a hard thing.

As it goes along too, you also get little moments of noticing ways that you still can celebrate things that can still be shared together or done together, etc, or everything that has come before... even chat about previous generations, and stuff.

Aw, that's a nice thing from your partner!  I'm blissfully revelling in the cold where I am. I HATE SUMMER.  

This economy is creating a 'culture' I think. The "Yep, same old same old. What else is new." culture.  When you are doing what you can but the economy is barely turning, I mean, what are you gonna do? People are so individual in how they answer that question, and I'm fascinated by movements and other things that end up growing out of these times (or the flow-on effects of these times).   I'm interested  to see how this lo-o-ong drag will be seen in future times, and what ... I guess... 'cultural movements' will be associated with this time and what so, so many are going through. (Well, as well as  the obvious 'cultural movement' towards the bed/couch for a lazy day with a book or movies. Which is a perfectly valid cultural movement.    )   Hey, that's a perfect example you've got there - direct advertising! New creative ideas to just see whether there are some possible opportunities hiding out there. Fliers have been entering my mailbox my whole life and I must admit I keep them handy if it's something I might use.

Keep going, tenacious person!


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## PrincessX (Jul 7, 2015)

I already see a shift in social development and culture. People are not that family oriented, birth rates are dropping, increased maternal age, longer time spent in school until career entry, increased popularity of dating sites and services for singles, less time for social activities, ageing societies, people working into their retirement years. The changes I think are here.
I believe that the world will survive though.


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## mudpuppy (Jul 10, 2015)

Thank you for your kind responses!

PX, while he does have a wheelchair, and can generally walk fairly well on flat surfaces with his walker, there are those pesky 3 steps between both front and back doors and the outside world that he's not strong enough to manage. I'm dropping broad hints (as subtle as lead bricks) about looking into some form of lift, but so far, no good. He should be starting in-home physio in the next week or two, so I'm hoping that might be enough to at least get him into (and back out of) the yard. He loves gardening, and it's killing him to not be able to be out rooting in the dirt. At least he can see the flowers from the kitchen window.

My partner went through something similar a couple of years ago with his aunt, and I have a friend who's going through much the same thing now with her aunt, so we all have a safe place to vent. I'm trying to re-establish contact with my cousin, who's also going through something similar with his folks. We're a motley assortment, but we're still a "village" of sorts. And, of course, I have you guys. 

Years and years (and years) ago I worked in a nursing home, so I've seen the kinds of deterioration that comes with advancing age. It's different in one's own family, but it's still very helpful to have that background, and to know that there's about 5000x more social support options now than existed back then.

You're right, MHJo, it's very difficult. Sometimes it feels like it's so much harder dealing with this as an only child, but then I see what my partner and friend had/have to deal with in the realms of sibling interference, and I'm SOOOO grateful that I'm able to do what seems best, without being judged or undermined. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, eh?

I agree that it's a form of grief. The loss of my position as "child" and all the scary bits about my new position as "responsible adult" ( :rofl: ) in the relationships. Adding that to the grief of having to re-jig all my expectations for my own middle age and not-too-distant retirement, it can be a bit burdensome at times. 

Summer. Gawd. Record high temps, record low rainfall, and fires all around filling the air with smoke. I miss winter...... 

My partner and I have been having discussions about the economy, in that we're not so much in a "recession" as we are in an outright depression; experiencing things very similar to what our grandparents & parents experienced back in the 30s. There is no work. There is no money. Well, there is money, but it's held by so few that it's not being spread around in the same way that it would be if it were held by a larger segment of the population. The people who have no money can't get ahead, and the ones that have some are so afraid of losing it that they hold on and do nothing. It's going to be interesting to see what happens over the next few years as 10s of thousands (if not 100s of thousands) of baby boomers leave the working world. That's going to be an enormous fundamental shift, either opening up broad swathes of opportunity, or closing down an equally broad swath of smaller businesses as the owners decide they've had enough. Whichever way it goes, it's going to be a very significant change in how our culture functions.

My main "cultural movements" lately have been between the fan in the living room and the airco in the bedroom. 

I've just finished putting together mail-outs for 25 target businesses; all they need are stamps. My stomach's all twisty at the thought of actually mailing them, but I really have nothing to lose, and I might even get a client or two out of them if I'm very, very lucky.

Thank you again for your replies. Just knowing you're here has been enormously helpful over the last couple of years. Again, thank you. :2thumbs::thanks:


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## mudpuppy (Aug 10, 2015)

Hi again.

Today is not a good day. I haven't slept well at all for the last week or two; waking up, racing mind, horrible dreams, the works. If I can string 4 hours together it's a good night.

I'm feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. 

A friend is purging all the stuff that she's accumulated over the last few years from relatives and their estates, and while I celebrate that she can do that, I look at my place and despair. Even thinking about tackling it paralyzes me with anxiety. So much stuff, with so many triggers attached to it. I've been doing something with it nearly every day, but at the rate I'm going I'll be in my mid-80s before it's done.

Gawd, how did I get so broken?


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## MHealthJo (Aug 10, 2015)

I'm heading that way myself in terms of my organisation-and-sorting-of-objects skills,  Mudpuppy! Ever since I have had chronic fatigue syndrome, my brain and what things it can do well / easily is *NOT* the same.  I am
 s-o-o-o-o slow at this stuff and it makes me s-o-o-o-o-o tired.   Ugggghhhh.

Is it this issue on its own that is causing you to feel this way,  hun?

Are you judgmental of yourself for struggling in this area of your life?

(Nobody's good at everything!! Hey, most people are only *really* good at one or two things - and those are the people that have had the chance to discover what those are.  

Also, I've heard that for many people, this can  be kind of a 'wiring' thing, like how different people are different in terms of spatial understanding, visual processing, colourblindness, tone deafness, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, auditory or spatial processing disorders, specific learning disorders, those kind of things. Seemingly 'small' differences in neurology in ordinary people can have HUGE impacts on certain tasks of life.  I don't know what the name of that particular type of learning disorder or neurology would be though or where one goes to find out about it. I don't know much about it, but I often meet women who are  very intelligent and hardworking and conscientious and successful, but have always struggled with that sort of stuff. There might be something interesting here:  
Clutter, physical and mental - or, organizing for the differently organized - Personal Knowledge Management for Academia  Librarians

or if you google some of the terms mentioned,  or learning disorders, or 'specific developmental disorders', or Adult ADHD.

 I feel like I have something or other of this stuff going on, but I can't decide how much it was always like that, or if it was acquired. I noticed it far more after anxiety / depression hit me during/after a loss / life transition/ crisis time, and then especially so after I then went on to chronic fatigue syndrome. When they EVER work out what's going on with CFS  / CFIDS  / ME  / fibromyalgia, I bet they'll decide it's a type of brain / nervous system damage and it can make certain wiring things not work anymore, or not work as well.


On the other hand, it may just be to do with having a certain level of depression / anxiety. These things also cause the brain to not operate properly or at peak. (Ahh, I remember peak.   )

Is it something that (if finances allow) could benefit from a professional organiser? (If I had the spare cash I'd have one in a heartbeat. No idea what they cost though, and I don't know if they exist where I am.) Sometimes the correct type of brain working on something, can just kill it in a shorter time period than expected.

Alternatively, are you having a time of some really tough thoughts and feelings generally, and it might benefit from continuing some work with a therapist, and/or chat to your preferred mental health professional about the possibility of medication, or whatever their preferred approach would be at this time? It sounds like you could probably benefit from some of validation and support and chatting about this issue, and also maybe about what your key values are....  and maybe some talk about what 'schemas' might be operating with this issue.

Hugs Mudpuppy! My therapist said something to me and it has helped a lot remembering to do it. She said, "Through the day, validate yourself. Say things like: I will get there. I will be OK. I will eventually figure this out. "  

And chat to us some more about some other topics if you would like to. (But don't worry if you don't wanna.    )
xox


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## PrincessX (Aug 11, 2015)

I have had issues with overstocking, overshopping, that make it harder to organize things.
I have especially kept too much clothes and shoes in the house. But I am not a hoarder, at least not any more.
I periodically give away things that are not of value to me in order to de-clatter.
I advertise on a kijiji or craigslist items that are still good and give them to whoever needs them for free. This way I feel good about de-cluttering the house. Last time I donated to a single student mom and felt good about "cleaning" and de-cluttering by making someone else happy.
It is also a good way to finally realize we don't need all these things, I don't have to spend all my free time shopping, as I end up not using the stuff and donating it new.
Going on vacation was really good. I always go with 2 large suitcases. This time, I took one small suitcase on the plane and encouraged the kids to take less stuff as well. To my surprise, we turned out just fine.
We rented a house, which was clean and nice, but stocked up only with what was necessary for our stay.
It was an Eye-opener. It was so much easier to maintain it. Now, I know, I don't need a house overfilled with everything. It is easier to clean and organize this way. 
Using the same logic, I don't need a life full of everything.
 I just need to have the most important things in order to live peacefully.
 I hope my post was on topic


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## mudpuppy (Aug 11, 2015)

Thank you for your kind replies.

This has always been a big anxiety trigger. I've never been a whiz-bang at home organizing, but it got completely out of control during a few years fraught with emotional turmoil, depression, etc. So, now, there's stuff everywhere, and all of it has the attached associations with what was going on at the time it accrued. Most days the thought of facing that emotional minefield is a defeat before I can even get started. The thought of all that has to be done, and all the baggage associated with it, is something that I regularly feel ashamed of.

I tried a professional organizer once, a few years ago. They're $60-80 an hour here. We spent 45 minutes discussing ground rules so that I'd "feel comfortable with the process". Then I discovered (after she'd left) that in the subsequent hour she'd broken every single one of them, often repeatedly. Needless to say, that was the end of THAT little experiment.

Fortunately, we have a lot of charities and "reuse" facilities that I can take things to (not ready to have kijiji people come to my home yet).

I found a great therapist not too far away, but since I'm not even earning enough to cover basic living expenses, the $160/hour he charges is out of reach at the moment. I may have a lead on a social worker who works with my doctor, and is therefore covered by healthcare, so I may give him a call.

Thanks for that link, MHJo, it looks really interesting. Also interesting is your mention of schemas and key values. I'm going to do a bit of research on that.

I need to do more of the validating, and less of the beating-me-up kinds of self-talk. Summers are usually worse than winters, since the yard also tends to get out of control and provides yet another source of anxiety and shame. 

I used to have hobbies, and enthusiasm, and be able to sleep through the night. *sigh* The good ol' days!

*hug* Thank you for your support.


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## PrincessX (Aug 11, 2015)

Sorry to hear this process is causing you anxiety. I did not have a very useful day myself, but I try not to worry about it.
Maybe, try to do one little thing a day. I have read organizing by categories is useful. Such as: Organize all books today, all shoes tomorrow and so on.
The positive thing is that you likely have the time to do it now.
I am sorry about your struggles to find a therapist. It is hard in Canada. In the US there is differently organized insurance. Realistically, not many people can afford the high fees for in-person therapy here , especially if they need more than 1-10 sessions. I have been in the same boat. I can't think of many people who are comfortable with the current system. They also have psych NPs in the US, making waiting times shorter. 
As for the organizing, there is plenty of tips how to do it. I guess, if you feel calm, you can always start from somewhere. I doubt one needs a professional organizer. There is online and library books available. Also, it is important to me to try to organize things the way I find useful myself. Good luck to you.
I am very grateful, I was able to find alternative roads to receiving therapy and to start learning how to use self-help resources as well. 
Also, my earlier disappointment about fees was entirely from consumer's point of view. I do believe PhD psychologists deserve these fees, but I was disappointed about the insurance organization here (no public, private covers very few sessions). I am worried my post was perceived as negative.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 11, 2015)

I didn't read it as negative. For most people, even those with insurance, therapists are expensive. 


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## MHealthJo (Aug 11, 2015)

Uggghh, the costs of helpful stuff. It's just not realistic, for so many. Some places have good programs and supports, and others, not so much. I wish these things were made really really accessible. 

As well as an extra hug, some important food for thought hun....

I think that in the world around us, sometimes the wrong things get  emphasized or focused on. 

I think that kindness, empathy, caringness, warmth, humility / vulnerability / emotionality,  appreciating and being kind about  individuality and lots of human differences, compassion, lots of affirmation and positiveness and approval of each person's own INDIVIDUAL imperfect beautiful flawed valuable unique emotional fascinating self, compassion and kindness for facets of ourselves and each other lacking strength or 'success', unconditional love for precious humans without regard to their areas of 'weakness' or strength; appreciating emotion, weakness, flaw, etc, as valid facets of human existence......


... I think these are very very important and good things. 

I also think that the lucky among us, have these traits a fair bit in our parents and influential / authority figures in our life or growing up.... quite a few of these things getting emphasized. 

(While of course, some limits being set, some healthy boundaries, and some reasonable, fair, teaching consequences when really necessary.... and in a perfect world, having them get implemented with skill and emotional intelligence and a  healthy approach. But a focus on growth through love.... as much as possible focusing on positive, affirming, kind, and respectful ways of nurturing growth. And lots of reasonableness, realisticness, and down-to-earthness in expectations. Definitely not too much criticism or judgmentalness, whether that be direct to the child, or in the general talk / attitudes towards people and life. )

 I think sometimes also, there are times where one or both parents, or influential or authority figures, might be a bit or quite lacking in some of these caring, realistic, down-to-earth, affirming viewpoints and values. No parent or figure is perfect and there's no universally accepted, unchanging manual; and frankly cultures, family traditions, and problematic fads have exerted not-ideal influences on this stuff at various times. And they faced the same problem in their own parents or parental, influential, or authoritative figures, as did the next generation back,  and so on.

I think sometimes, there can be a heightened level of worry or fear and  putting high standards on ourselves, with associated selfblame and selfshame, if maybe in our background (and even current interactions and  values of influential figures sometimes) it could have been nice to have had a bit more emphasis on some of those compassionate, kind, affirming, individuality-praising, "Perfection Isn't Necessary And Life's Full Of Allsorts Of Stuff - Good and Bad" values mentioned. And maybe if there was blame, shame, or just "unspoken high expectations".... we do tend to, to some degree or other, internalize the influential voices of the past or of our surroundings. (Hmm, even workplaces or organizations can be a factor here. Sometimes I even think about cultural influences, like the success and affluence that was glorified in the 80s quite a bit.... Yuppie culture? I think some of the Gen Xers I know felt it.)

I guess I just find it a bit ironic sometimes, of how so often there can be like for example, some 'perfect looking' parent or parents, with a perfect looking house, perfect looking garden, everything in its place, everything successful, everything looking good 'on paper'.....

....but behind the scenes there is none of those values I mentioned, going on. Abusive nastiness, or something. Sometimes worse things. 

It's just ironic that to the outside world, or to visitors or something.... The typical narcissistic or sociopathic abusive parent or parents, often look great to everybody. Everything often looks fantastic, all the time. Success! Money! Perfection! Status! Order! Beauty! And things like that.

Meanwhile, some of the nicest and most beautiful people hide, in shame, in their messy houses. 

 I mean yeah, ideally, I would like to have better organisation and spick and spanness around here... but those things are at the end of the day nothing to me compared to the other things.

I sure know which type of things I'd want to have, if I had to choose,  in a friend, partner, family member, or general member of the human race, frankly. 

I want you to write notes to yourself hun, or each day, think about a time you have said a kind word or just been a 'decent person', paid a compliment, or just generally did a 'right' or 'good' thing or a nice or giving or caring or positive thing. Anything. Or anything that you valued in yourself  in all sorts of aspects. This can be in any aspect of life. Manners, a smile, online, respect and courtesy, fun, self-care, self-compassion, curiosity, humour.... it doesn't matter. 


And I want you to look at your undone stuff, and I want you to tell yourself a few times a day:  "I am lovable, worthy, valuable, and good enough. I have worth. Whether or not any of this EVER gets done, or however slow it gets done. Whatever events or feelings are attached to these objects. It does not change my human worth. Nothing can ever add to or take away from my human worth."

 It may help to write it on paper. Repeatedly, dedicatedly once or twice a day, if necessary.

If you have Feeling Good by David Burns, the chapters on "Worth" and also perfectionism are very, very good. They have been something to read and re-read for me. 

I might have a couple other nice links I can round up too.... You may want to check back in in a week or something, in case I did. 

Thinking of you and hug again hunny.  xoxo


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## PrincessX (Aug 12, 2015)

Great post. I just wanted to add that I agree that money doesn't determine one's character.
I know poor and rich people who are good people, giving a lot to their community.
Money and success are not necessarily negative accomplishments.
 We are all capable of achieving at least some of our realistic goals.
Example: A lot of parents have a goal to be good parents. They don't target becoming billionaires, but being a good parent unfortunately means also providing at least minimal financial support for your children. A lot of perfectly looking parents may not be abusive and so on. I have a lot of respect for all parents, it is not an easy job to be one.
Unfortunately, financial status, according to all recent research is one of the most (and some conclude the most) important determinant of health. Poverty is associated with low ratings on both subjective and objective measurements of health/well being. This is not an opinion , but a fact. Based on this. individuals and societies must aim to alleviate poverty, wherever possible, and to an extend under their control.


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## mudpuppy (Aug 18, 2015)

Money is definitely a hurdle and a concern right now. Thank Gawd for my retirement savings picking up the slack between income and outflow.

I found out that there's a social worker in-house at my doctor's office, so I have an appointment with him at the end of August. As far as I know, he's as covered by healthcare as the doctor is. Even if he isn't, it's only a 30 minute appointment, so it won't bankrupt me.

To add to the fun, there are now 2 mice loose in my bathroom. Long story. One in which I don't shine in brilliance. 'Nuff said. C'mon live traps (baited with water and p.b.)!! Where's the 24 hour "undo" button when you need it?
:facepalm:

Repeat to self:
"I am lovable, worthy, valuable, and good enough. I have worth. Whether or not any of this EVER gets done, or however slow it gets done. Whatever events or feelings are attached to these objects. It does not change my human worth. Nothing can ever add to or take away from my human worth." ~MHJo

I need to get that book by David Burns. And probably re-read the _Gifts of Imperfection_ by Brene Brown.

Lately it's feeling like the more I do to improve things, the worse they get. Maybe if I sit perfectly still, and don't move a muscle.....


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## MHealthJo (Aug 20, 2015)

My darling Mudpuppy!! MICE!!!  *Jo jumps onto chair and screams vintage-style* 
When this very hard and painful time in your life one day becomes a distant memory, no matter when that is, I hope you will still be in touch so that I can weasel the Mice in the Bathroom story out of you.     I hope that it will bring you some tears of hilarity at that time. In the meantime, I permit you to cry tears of struggle and stress and dejection at any time you feel like it, widdle Mudpuppy. I permit it. *bangs gavel*  I also officially permit you to have struggles, mistakes, weaknesses, and moments lacking in brilliance. Have them. Bathe in them. Roll in them in a pig-like fashion. Imagine if pigs didn't put kindness and compassion and validation out there towards their piggishness and piglike traits. That would be stressful on them. Similarly, remember to always always always, put out some kindness and compassion to yourself in relation to  your humanness. Say, "Well, I'm an imperfect human, and that's how I roll." Again, with the notes. Some people find putting up actual physical notes, of these things they've got to say to themself more often, is very helpful. Lots of Kindness to Mudpuppy, Mudpuppy. Kindness and Hugs from Mudpuppy to Mudpuppy, OK. Catch those critical, judgmental, perfectionistic voices or voices from difficult situations, organizations, teachers,  family tendencies, or various influences that can come from just about anywhere, even if the source was in some cases  well-meaning and just not very aware of more validating and more 'holistically successful' ways to motivate. And reply (out loud is often very useful!) with a very Reasonable, Kind, Nurturing Voice, and Hugs. xx

Oh, and before I forget and go into another topic, that has reminded me of something, because tears are allowed and OK, and can be a 'processing of the emotions', and when things process and you hold yourself kindly letting those emotions flow, then your journey does move forward. (Even if it doesn't feel like it straight away - if you are letting those emotions be felt, things are processing. You will see it a little bit after - whether it's a feeling of a bit of relief, a bit of a new insight of some sort, an idea of what it is that you think you are 'needing' and how to give it to yourself in various ways, seek it from outside of yourself, etc. But those tears or that feeling of processing doesn't always happen necessarily just on its own or naturally, for so many of us, does it. Sometimes that's half the trouble. Sometimes there's stuff that needs to be cried about, allowed to be felt, etc, but so many of us for one reason or another, we tend into different directions with our emotions. So I'm gonna mention before I forget: (And forgive me if I ever repeat a tool I've mentioned before or anything, and please as always take your time with different suggestions or just pick and choose what seems relevant at any time, and never feel pressure to sort of like.... You know how some pushy people will follow you up with what you have tried, what you have been doing, whether you did exactly what they said, haha. No pressure or judgment around here OK. Just throwin stuff out there and hey, then at least it's here somewhere as you muse through things. In your own time and at your own pace you will likely be able to 'feel' what track to go down at different times, if that makes sense.)  Yeah, can't remember if I've previously mentioned it, but due to someone speaking about loss and grief the other day, I remembered to mention Listen to the Meditation Oasis Podcast | Meditation Oasis to them. The soothing, gentle free guided meditations with music there, have been invaluable for a lot of people in helping to kindly and gently hold themselves with their emotions, and with feeling a bit more 'safe' when emotions need to come through and be felt. I have noticed sometimes that I have often not  known  what emotion is 'there', what needs to be felt, what is happening with me, or what to do about it whatsoever, until I scanned through the different meditations there and one or two of them for some reason called out to me. In particular I have seen excellent feedback and experiences people have had from the Inner Child one and the Grief one.  And also remember that whatever happens between when you pop in, or when emotions are coming out or during scary times, just remember mentally that we are there with hugs. When that moment comes when that is what you need, you just grab a pillow okay and you say "Okay and I'm having a Psychlinks hug...... now."     It can also be good other times to actually ask "Yo, if there's any virtual hugs goin' today, I'll take one!" And actually hear that friendly voice and have that response. xx

Oh yeah, so I did put together the links on the stuff that I've only just come across recently - In all my travels before, I had not really come across the 'schema therapy' framework of things. When talking to a new therapist this year after not seeing one for quite a long while,  quite early on she brought this side of things up and had me do a test on what schemas might be operating. It was surprising to me, after I did some further reading and stuff, how much certain things started to resonate with me a bit. (Well, and after realising this late in the game, from an unexpected event, that I did definitely grow up with some definite 'obsessive compulsive personality' tendencies in both my parents.... really a bit of a 'right/wrong, good/bad,  good enough/not good enough,  okay/not okay, successful/unsuccessful, approved/disapproved, safe/unsafe, right decision/wrong decision, etc" view of the world and of life and stuff ... certainly not seeing things in the  'life is almost exclusively made up of complex shades of gray' way that is far more realistic, true, and relavant to life. Even if it certainly wasn't to the degree that has sprung to mind when I've previously read descriptions of a full-blown, hardcore Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder sufferer, I could see that some tendencies were there. But this only occurred to me whatsoever after Mum recently spent some time in a mental health care facility for older adults to assist with a medication change for her bipolar disorder, and after hearing unexpectedly from the team of mental health professionals there that she has a certain tendency of some OCPD traits, rather than just OCD tendencies. It's funny what we can't see in our own situation  or background sometimes.... and then after hearing it from doctor's mouths,  thinking it through and reading a lot, I'm like.... "Um okay. Yeah. There was (and is) a little bit of that going on there, and even if it wasn't full-blown or every aspect wasn't there, what was there still wasn't always easy on a child." Especially since there were lesser tendencies that way on Dad's part also in the way he thought and talked, and since my older sister inherited some of those thinking styles too.... so some of these ways of 'looking at the world / life / the self' were just... I just thought nothing of them, they were just my context for life,  and I can see them in my younger self, as well as at times when I have been under a lot of stress, been through something hard, etc. They lurk there ready to pounce.  That was what was around me and it was just taken as a given.  It's funny how much of that I could not 'see'  though, until just this recent time in my life. Life's strange. 

Oh yeah, so I will post the thingies. Remember that kindness and an attitude of low demandingness / low pressureyness to yourself hun. Especially since in all likelihood, you are suffering from a time of illness. Those times when our sleep and functioning is no good and our nervous system and feelings and body don't feel right, we are going through a type of illness, and a pretty hard one quite frankly. So even though there are things we would like to do and it's good to keep looking towards that direction overall, remember that kind and 'at whatever pace is manageable and possibly depending how I am on the day' attitude to put with it. Which we would undoubtedly have, if the reason for someone's difficult time was glandular fever, or cancer, or broken bones, or a sprain or torn ligament, or whatever. It's just a shame that these other types of illnesses, just have traditionally not been talked about as much or acknowledged as much or understood as much, because they involve processes that our current technology still can't really see or look at or understand hardly at all, and certainly not in the same way that an Xray can see a broken bone or the way we can easily observe how bones break or knit, or whatever. And it will take a while to get used to, but you WILL get more automatic with it in time. It WILL become more second nature and it WILL become your more 'natural' thinking style. It really has for me and it has made such a huuuuuuge difference. It leads further and further to more and more differences. In time. These things do take time, they really do. But take your time and remember, hold yourself kindly and hold your emotions kindly. xx

http://www.schematherapysouthafrica.co.za/downloads/A%20list%20of%20schema%20modes.pdf

http://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm

www.lifetraptest.com  - with links on that page also.

http://www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm

http://www.johnbarletta.com/documents/RemediesforLifetraps_004.pdf


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## Harebells (Aug 20, 2015)

I too would love to hear the mouse story, if you ever feel like sharing!:mouse::mouse:


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## MHealthJo (Aug 20, 2015)

( Ooh look at that,  we actually have a cute mousie smiley / emoji thingy! hee hee! 

:meow:    ...uh oh...  )


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## mudpuppy (Apr 16, 2016)

Okay, so, the mice. :facepalm:

I've taken to referring to them as the Fuzzy Buggers. :mouse:

I had two young wild mice, a brother and sister, as pets. I've kept mice as pets for most of my life without problems. These two were mutants. 

In a nutshell, they escaped one night. Both of them. Yep, like that. :mouse:

So here we are, 8 months and about that many generations later.

:mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse:  :facepalm::mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse:


I've been collecting them all winter and keeping them contained and fed in large storage jars (NOT with the opposite sex). Well, mostly contained. I tracked my success as net gain or loss some weeks. Like I said, mutants. This week the overnight temps will finally be warm enough to start "rehoming" them in the back yard. I'll keep a few special ones, but the rest, "be free!!" :mouse:

Feel free to laugh. It's entirely the right response.  :rofl:


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## making_art (Apr 16, 2016)

I love your mouse story...

I do like mice and yesterday watched a movie about Walt Disney, titled..."Before Mickey". He did have a little pet mouse who he shared  a sandwich with that he got from a garbage can (ewww!) when he became very destitute and hungry. My experience with mice is that they do bite....every time you pick them up no matter how long they have known you. Maybe they just did not like me....:mouse:


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 16, 2016)

I was a lab technician as a psychology student. I could tame rats, gerbils, hamsters, pigeons, but mice? Forget about it. Aggressive little monsters, especially to each other. 


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## amazingmouse (Apr 16, 2016)

Mice bite, I have experienced it too, although guinea pigs are classy and get to know you quickly.:loveit:


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## mudpuppy (Apr 16, 2016)

I think if I was cast in the life role of "universal kibble", I'd probably tend to bite, too. I've had some incredibly tame mice over the years and some.... well, not.

The females get along swimmingly, but male mice have this nasty habit of trying to kill each other, and often succeeding. Not to mention that it's the males that have that unmissable smell. 

Needless to say, the males are the ones who will be experiencing freedom this week.

Amazingmouse love_heart: your name, btw), the first-ever pets I had were guineapigs. Adorable creatures.


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## Harebells (Apr 17, 2016)

I'm sorry for your mouse troubles mudpuppy - but yes, that was really funny! I loved the visuals too. And I'm imagining all those jars filled with mice...Maybe you should liberate them a bit further away than your back yard!


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## mudpuppy (Apr 17, 2016)

Aside from my own stupidity, the house is mouse-proof, so the yard is a safe place. It's overgrown, so it's a mousy paradise. 

Twenty-three years this house had no free-range mice. :facepalm:

At least it'll be an interesting if impromptu study in inbreeding.

:mouse: :mouse:


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## MHealthJo (Apr 17, 2016)

Your mouse story exceeded expectations, and was worth the wait.  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

I demand to continue to be updated from time to time about this strain of nature's joy that you have created. Hehehehehehe, thankyou Mudpuppy!!!


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## Harebells (Apr 17, 2016)

Yes, updates please on the mutant mice! (The X-Mice?!)


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## mudpuppy (Apr 17, 2016)

X-Mice!! Why didn't I think of that?! _Great_ name! :lol::lol:


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## mudpuppy (Apr 18, 2016)

Four boy X-Mice released. I felt bad for the 3rd. He had no idea what to do. Institutionalized, I guess. I left his jar out there, with his tube, so if he wants to come home he can.

:mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse:


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## MHealthJo (Apr 18, 2016)

Hmmm.... maybe he's just not so much the getting out there / superhero / fighting Magneto type.... Maybe he'll be happy sticking with quiet study indoors under Professor Xavier.


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## mudpuppy (Apr 18, 2016)

I just checked his jar. He's not in it, and he's not still wandering around where he was, so I'm thinking he may have decided the wild life isn't so bad after all. There is a colony of free-range mice in the small shed next to where I released him, so maybe he's discovered girls?

:love_heart::mouse::mouse::love_heart:


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## MHealthJo (Apr 18, 2016)

New X-Mice Plot Twist!!!     

 (Presumably complete with mutant / nonmutant relationship spice and drama.... )  :mouse: :inlove:


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## mudpuppy (Aug 19, 2016)

I'm baaaaack.....

Sorry for being away for so long. It's been.... busy. As usual.

By mid-May, my boyfriend's workplace had gotten so unmanageable after two of the senior people left that he quit (did I mention that the owner/boss had a stroke around Xmas and had almost totally abdicated any responsibility, leaving the place largely adrift in chaos since he was the lynchpin in the workflow? Yeah, that.). BF's been roller-coastering emotionally ever since because he's having a hard time finding another job, in spite of having a great resume and the support of the best recruiter in the city. I've been trying to be supportive and helpful, but the rapid ups and downs have left me a bit emotionally seasick.

In early June, my dad had another small stroke. While it wasn't in itself very debilitating, it was the final straw in a cumulative deterioration of his legs, so he can no longer stand without assistance. As of last week, he was moved into long term care. It's a great place, and was first on our list of choices (we had 4 hours to tour and select a list of 3; I'm boggled that we managed it) so that part is wonderful! He's currently on the floor with people who have cognitive impairment (he doesn't), so he's finding that difficult. Mom is also feeling overwhelmed by it all, and probably fairly guilty, knowing her. I've been the one making sure all the paperwork is in order and that she gets to where she needs to be, so she can meet with whomever she's supposed to meet with, at the time appointed for said meeting, so she can sign all the documents that need signing. With summer holidays taking people away from work, it's been a new person, place, and document every day for the last week. Think "herding an anxious cat". She's so wound up over it all that she's not remembering things very well, either. I tell her that today it's Colonel Mustard in the library with a wrench, and then spend the next couple of hours reminding her that it's not Professor Plum; no, it's in the library; not a knife, a wrench. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. It's exhausting.

I'm finally seeing a therapist. He's a great guy, and my BF is paying for it in spite of his own money problems. I feel kinda bad about that, but I think he would have been hurt if I'd refused. It's one of a very few ways that he feels he can help (there are more, but he doesn't view them as helpful, even though they are) and refusing to let him wouldn't have been a good thing. There's enough left for 3 more sessions, which seem to be helping.

BF saw the therapist himself for a single session a couple of weeks ago to see if he could get help with his job search (tl;dr: no). Apparently, however, he said he was interested in couples counseling. Surprise! I have a feeling (which I hope is wrong) that he's thinking he'll point out all the things that aren't working, and between he and the therapist they'll be able to chart a course for me to improve things. Except that the vast majority of "things" are either out of my control, currently impossible, or largely imaginary (he can "what-if" himself nearly to hysterics at the drop of a hat, totally untainted by facts). I'm pretty sure he'll be caught off guard if the therapist suggests ways that _he can improve things. While I'm sure there are things I can do better, the most worrying part is that he has a history of not staying at anything (home, job, relationship) for more than a few years. We just celebrated our 5th anniversary last month. I'm afraid this might be his version of an exit strategy. Y'know, the best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour? Like that. Again, nothing I can do, but still a lurking presence amidst all the rest.

In happy news, as of this morning, 49 X-Mice have gained their freedom in the great outdoors. Some reluctantly, some curiously, and some with an exuberant bound! Even happier, many don't smell bad, so they're females, and for the last 3 months all of them have been adults. This bodes well for the breeding situation. I.e. they aren't. It also implies that I've successfully corralled the availability of food, so they're more likely to walk into a trap for subsequent eviction relocation.

:mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse:

So, that's been my summer thus far. With the BF out of town until next week, and Dad settled (mostly) into the new place, I'm taking the weekend for myself to do absolutely nothing. It's going to be wonderful! _


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## MHealthJo (Aug 19, 2016)

That sounds like a fantastic thing to do for your weekend, Mudpuppy! Good for you! And awesome to hear an update on your X-Mice! 😂 hahahaha. 

Awesome that you've been having the support from your therapist. I feel like maybe I'm hearing it in something about your kinda... general demeanour toward yourself? I feel like maybe I'm hearing more notes of self-love, self-acceptance, self-valuing, self-approval there? Some kind of aura of strength and faith that you'll somehow or other get through what comes...? Whatever it is I'm sensing, I like it, and you deserve recognition for the good care you've been taking of yourself as well as the capable handling of some more aging and stressed-out-parent stuff and various things. 😊😊 Awesome work!

Hmm, so I'm hoping that with your therapist you feel comfy and a sense of safety and trust, in the event of some sort of possible weird moment that might happen with BF? On the other hand, I suppose perhaps BF might get a chance to hear some feedback that he might need to hear, for the first time in a setting where he might try not to overreact or something, and might take it on board to some degree and go forward with it.... perhaps even choose to do some work on himself? Hmm. Either way, a good therapy relationship can be a very good, supportive relationship to hang onto for a while, (sometimes indefinitely for a lot of people), and I hope that if you felt you'd like to continue with it at some pace or other, you've got some kind of option where you can do so?

Really nice to hear from you and to hear you doing so well handling some more stuff.


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## mudpuppy (Aug 20, 2016)

I think I've hit the motherload of X-Mice. Five more out today. That makes 8 in two days. At this rate, I'll be down to nearly nothing by winter. Yeah! C'mon no-more-jars-over-winter!!

Thank you for the support MHJo. I've been trying very hard to keep me included in the mix, on the "you can't pour from an empty cup" theory. I guess it's working! mg: I've been using some of the links you suggested, and they're helping a lot. Thank you.

I suppose I should be happy that he's willing to work on the relationship instead of just fading away into the outer darkness. This is a good sign. I also know that a whole lot of his frustration is due to circumstances with his job. He can't do anything about the employment situation, but maybe he can "fix" me. He does tend to do that when other things get out of control. Or, y'know, something else entirely that'll come out of left field because I've not been paying attention. 

The therapist is a good guy. He's easy to talk to, but not easy to fake out (dammit....).


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## Harebells (Sep 3, 2016)

:star::star::star: :moon: :star::star:
:ladybug::mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse::mouse::ladybug::ladybug:

I was hoping to find maybe some grass and tree emojis to represent the x-mice running free in nature, but there aren't any. So here they are under the stars frolicking with some ladybugs.

Hope all is going well with the therapist and everything else. And that you're enjoying a mouse jar-free home!

---------- Post Merged at 09:07 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:06 PM ----------

And guess what, I just found out we are allowed a maximum of 14 emojis per post!


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