# I can't be a mom anymore



## chunter5 (Mar 20, 2007)

I'm 34 years old, married to a great man and we have a six year old son together.  I have come to the conclusion that I am not psychologically fit to raise a child.  My child and I never bonded.  He bonded to _my_ mom and she to him.  I have thought of my son more like a brother or someone else's kid living under my roof.   
I am a child emotionally.  I've been trying to raise myself, trying to grow up, to resolve my issues and change my feelings and behavior patterns and be a good person.  How on Earth am I supposed to help someone else when I have failed at helping myself?!  My child lies and misbehaves in school and I am not emotionally able to handle his behaviors because it adds to my incredibly heavy personal burden.
I have fought my feelings for six years.  I've tried to pretend that I love my child but he's not stupid; He knows. He wants to _hurt me_ because he knows.  But you see, I'm already hurting too much.  I can't take anymore.
I quit my job impulsively this morning because I'm too upset and irrational at the moment to hold a job. Now I feel even worse because I was our primary provider so my husband could go back to school.  I told him we need to get a divorce so that I can divorce my parental responsibility.  But the problem is, I love my husband and he's all I have.  I know that getting a divorce is the right thing to do but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.


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## Retired (Mar 20, 2007)

Chunter,

Is there any chance you could call your former employer and mend fences?  Perhaps a call right away (sooner rather than later) might succeed in getting your job back.

You could explain that you were having some personal stresses and that you acted irrationally.  

Have you ever been in any form of counselling or therapy to help deal with your feelings?


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 20, 2007)

I would second the recommendation to seek some counseling - perhaps to include couples or family counseling.


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## Halo (Mar 20, 2007)

Chunter,

While I do agree with both TSOW and David's recommendation that counselling is a good idea first and foremost, a part of your post that caught my attention was this:



> I told him we need to get a divorce so that I can divorce my parental responsibility



While I don't know which country in which you live, I am fairly certain that in a lot of them, just because you divorce the father of your child it does not mean that you automatically divorce or relinquish your parental responsibility.  My suggestion would be to speak to a lawyer to discuss the situation with him or her to make sure that you are fully aware of your options and obligations prior to making any decisions or taking any actions.

Of course I do think that getting counselling first is a much better option at this point as opposed to getting a divorce from a person that you say is a great man strictly to divorce your parental responsibility.

Take care


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## ThatLady (Mar 21, 2007)

You've reacted emotionally, Chunter, which is certainly understandably. It sounds like you're an emotional wreck about now!

TSOW has a very good suggestion. If I were you, I think I'd call my employer and explain that you've been going through a very difficult time and you simply acted in haste due to extreme stress. See if you can mend your fences, get your job back, and get some time off to work on your stress level. 

The next step, of course, is to get counselling for yourself (and, possibly for your husband and little boy, as well). The problems you're dealing with are not insurmountable, but they do require professional help to set right. Sometimes, helping ourselves requires us to reach out to others.

Good luck to you, and please keep us informed. :hug:


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## chunter5 (Mar 26, 2007)

Thank you all for responding.  I must admit, I was scared to death to come back to this forum and check the responses;  I truly expected "hate mail" since society has little compassion for "flawed moms."  I really do appreciate your kindness.   
I decided that divorce is not a good idea.  I don't believe running away ever solved a problem.  I'm trying to get some financial assistance so I can get some help with this issue. I've always been an exellent problem solver with a talent for analyzing behaviors and situations and I have been very stubborn about seeking outside help but I realize now with my impulsive behavior that I am truly overwhelmed at this point.  All of my energy has been going toward this issue and any stressor that comes along puts me over the limit of what I can handle. 
My husband dropped out of school to help me out.  I feel awful about that and will try to get him back there as soon as possible but we both agree that resolving this issue is top priority now.  
Thanks again for your KIND responses.


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## Halo (Mar 26, 2007)

I am glad that you came back Chunter to find out that we are not a hateful bunch and I am even more glad to hear that you are going to get help for this issue with your husband's support.  Good luck to you and do remember that we are always here to for you.

Take care


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## Into The Light (Mar 26, 2007)

chunter i am glad to hear you are going to fight for your marriage and that you aren't going the divorce route. i don't think divorce would much solve anything in  this case, and you would still be hurting, maybe more. i wish you the best of luck and post here any time. this forum is a safe place, well moderated so no worries of being flamed


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## Miette (Mar 26, 2007)

Chunter, I hope that you can mend the fences with your job, and best of luck with everything else.  Sorry I don't have much advice but just well wishes


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## Lilhelp (Mar 29, 2007)

chunter, that took alot of guts to post how you truly feel. You're absolutely correct about society and how they view mothering.

I have a question? How do you feel about the bond between your mom and your son? Another words I wonder if your mom had not been available to take on a roll somewhat like a paprent to your son would it be the same?

Not judging you at all. I kind of have a similar thing happened to me. I'm finding that I was harboring resentment against both my mom and child due to their bond. My parents helping me raise her kind of allowed me to stay stuck not chronologically but in other ways.

Mush respect for you and your honesty. I hope you can work it all out.


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