# Trust



## meagan80 (Mar 25, 2008)

Today I am feeling a bit unsettled, I have a feeling that my boyfriend did something sneaky last night instead of going home like he said he was.  I hate feeling this way, I have this battle within me and I am constantly trying to determine if Its me being controlling, and paranoid, or if its him and my intution is telling me I can not fully trust him, or is it the way he has always seemed sneaky when he does things he knows I dont like him doing, how he doesnt really tell me whats going on in his life, the way he has hid things I have had a problem with in the past. I would feel so much more secure if he just told me things that were going on.  One minute I feel completely secure, then the next totally untrusting. 

Wow there are so many elements to it. I guess I can summarize our situation.  Where to start lets see, we have been together about a year and half.  When I met him I did not know he had a porn addiction or a mariquana addiction.  He was very sweet and stared into my eyes on a regular basis with such a sweet caring look, he took me to a nice dinner and suprised me with the waiter bringing out flowers and a card after dinner, in the card it said will you be my girlfriend check yes or no. So of course I said yes. So the beginning of this chapter of my life begins.

He is a very sweet, insecure, and has low self esteem. He has very controlling parents, that never gave him incouragment or praise. Before we were to together, he met a few girls on those sexsearch sites, (gross). I found out that he still had these sites and confronted him, and he told me about them and how he used to be on them now he just looks at pictures, and deleted them. 

He was irresponsible at his job, and got fired. His dad hooked him up with this good job, he had to take a drug test for, I told him dont you think you should stop smoking for that, he said he was going to get one of those cleaner kits, so he smoked pot the day before his drug test. I even asked how he planned on paying for a kit, wouldnt it be easier just to not have it in your system, seeing how he hadnt worked and had no money for awhile, he said he was going to sell his playstation, so he goes 9pm the night before his drug test, they wont take it. So he fails his drug test, his parents did not know about the drugs, he looked up things on the internet about how drug tests can be wrong and told them that was what happened. And tells me how right I was, how he has a problem. But I still hold resentment to the irresponsibility of that to this day. I have a daughter and I want nice well rounded life with a man that is capable of taking care of things and stepping up to the plate when needed. So he lived off me for months, while trying to find a job (he does not have many skills).  Which I can be partially to blame for it taking so long, I wanted him home at night he was previously a bartender. So the fact he let me support him started building more resentment. I came home for lunch he would still be in bed, which finally set me off, I tried to let him figure it out hisself, I told him he needs to put more effort into finding a job, instead of playing video games, sleeping and masterbating all day. So he started to delete his porn history, when i called him out, he said yes he did, because i obviously have a problem with it (which I really dont) it was just one of the things he was doing instead of finding a job. Finally i tell him why dont you deliver pizza's do something, which he was looking everyday and went to interviews before just he was not hired, and i felt he should be trying harder. Wow this is getting long. Ok so he delivers pizza's, but Im still feeling resentful, taking forever for him to pay me back and get caught up, thats when he started smoking pot again, he had quit. Err this fired up emotions in me, err, and espicially bc he did not even tell me, I went in my roomates room looking for him and he was smoking.  I was like what are you doing? Smoking. err. so he continues and everytime i come up and he is, which he seems sneaky but not hiding it completely kinda of thing. So he is back to everyday and I just dont talk to him afterward. 

So one night he does when I asked him if he just wouldnt that night, he did anyway. I wanted to end it that night  because i was fed up with everything else also.  But I decided not to be rash, and waited to see how I felt the next day.  The next day Friday I ask him if he wants to take a break, turns into this blown up thing, he had his parents and sister over taking all his stuff because I told him he could leave some stuff for calateral for the $800 he owes me.  So he was sure to take everything, I came home from dinner with freinds to this, his family would not even look at me.  I originally wanted to give him time to get back on his feet so I didnt feel so resentful. He leaves. 

Monday morning comes and now he wants me back and wants to talk. Tues I find out he is already on the find a sex partner websites again, and trying to hook up with a girl he dated from one before me. So he IM's me that morning, I tell him, he cries and begs about how he was just mad, im all he wants. Brings Roses, he had already Deleted the sites again. So I give him another chance. 
I decided he stays living with his parents, until my lease is up in July then we will reevaluate, but we are together. He comes and stay the night, he said he was never touching pot again, which I find hard to believe and dont care so much but for the money factor and finding a good job, and most of all how sneaky he is about it, bc i dont approve. But for the most part he has been good, he got a new job. he is now going to college(we are taking a class together), he says he has quit smoking pot, he has been sweet like always, he is just immature and seems sneaky. He has never been mean. Well during his begging me back about the sex sites, he gave me all his email passwords told me check them, I can check them all I want, one is his porn email box, He wishes I could be in his brain so I knew how he just wants me, and so I believed him.  I found in his in box 3 months after we were dating an email to a girl asking her what kind of kinky sex she was into and if he could get some pics. So ok it was just that one, I dont care about pics, I care if he is going to meet up with someone, or having an ongoing conversation with.  

Anyway thats the basis, he is trying to be completely caught up on his bills and says he is going to prove me wrong that he can be the man I need for my family by June. One of his hobbies is playing hockey, he was going to play this season, he has no insurance on his car right now and has an unpaid ticket, owes me and his bank money. So I found it shocking that he was going to pay $300 to play hockey. Kinda a slap in the face, he makes less than I do, I have been responsible kept my job I cant afford to pay $300 for a hobby. So I told him how I felt. After argueing about how I need to worry about myself he finally agreed emailed said he wasnt playing this season. I couldnt believe that so I checked and he did email them.  Well I checked his email yesterday and he emailed saying he wanted to work something out so he can play, (which is fine, he can do what he wants I never told him not to play I just said I think its irresponsible) they said that he was in splitting cost with another player, $150.  Well he has not mention this to me at all, and tonight he is suppose to go practice with them, we have class tonight he usually stays the night after class, I have a feeling he is going to lie to me. I dont know how to handle it if he does. I do love him, but things like this make me not trust him, I hate that I feel the need to occationally check his email to see whats going on with him, but I feel otherwise I wouldnt even know, and he would just be pulling one over on me. I asked him before you dont mind if I check your email, he said not at all, I want you to if that can help you trust me again.  He doesnt know that I do check it.  Wow, I know this is a big boring ramble but it has made me feel better to tell someone, I know I should not feel like I need to check up on him but I do. Him doing something he is hiding from me always seems to be on my mind, I wonder if he is smoking pot, I wonder if he is meeting up with a sexsearch girl, Which if he was smoking pot, if he would just not be sneaky about it would not bother me so much. I hate feeling so suspicious, and like private eye, but I feel if I dont find anything, then I feel better. and that a level of trust goes up a degree. I wish he would just tell me everything that is going on, so I didnt have to feel so suspicious. I will continue to ponder is this things I need to work on, which I have been trying to do, or is it him . I was not like this with my ex, maybe a lil but he was never sneaky he was always open and honest, I just like to know whats going on, if I do I feel fine. .  and of course there more to all of this he is a great guy, I wish I could go more into those things, but this is long enough and my issue are not with the things that are great about him, that keep me hanging on.Thanks for letting me vent and get ALLLL of that off my chest lol. If your bored or patient enough to scan through all of that let me know what you think. Ill update on if he tells me about hockey tonight or tries to hide it from me.:bonk:


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## ladylore (Mar 25, 2008)

Hi Meagan,

I haven't been in a relationship for a while myself but a few question did come when I read your post. How long have you two been together?

Would you be suspicious of a friend the way you are with this guy. If you did find something out about a friend like this, how would you handle it?

Lastly, What do you want out of a relationship? What do you truely want?

Heavy questions I know - but the answers may shed some light on the situation.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 25, 2008)

Hmmm... it sounds very much to me that your boyfriend has some of his own issues, not the least of which is his pot addiction (which is what it is) and his internet/pornography issues. 

But even more than that, he seems to be making very unwise and irresponsible decisions - and those decisions are affecting you and your daughter, not just him.

I think you are right to be cautious about letting him back into your life. He may well be sincere in wanting to be more responsible and mature but talk is cheap, as they say. I think at this point he has a few things to prove to you to regain your trust. I would suggest that it may be best to keep him at arm's length until he can prove by action, not just words, that he can follow through on his promises.


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## adaptive1 (Mar 25, 2008)

I would have to agree with Dr Baxter on this one, you don't trust him because he has given you reason not to. Besides, he could always open up e-mail accounts you don't know about and do you really want to be reading his e-mail? Sounds like you deserve a heck of alot better, I got involved with a guy like this once, he was always on those dating websites, he even set up a blind date with one of my friends and didnt tell me about it, it wasnt a trap on my part, it just happened that he did this and she told me, it was a weird coincidence.  I think you are better off on your own quite honestly,that guy I dated said he would never do it again and wasnt using the sites, guess what he still did.


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## meagan80 (Mar 28, 2008)

Thank you so much for your advice, your right I need to try harder to keep my distance. I wanted to not move back in together so he can get his life together, get caught up with all his bills and prove to me he can be more responsible, but not only that so I stop my constant obsession over analyzing him and what he should be doing and constantly worrying about what he is doing and think about myself and my daughter for a while. He didnt go to his hockey practice tues night after class. But still has not mentioned that he is going to start playing again, Ive even tried to bring it up, just kinda mentioning hockey. But for now Im just trying not to think about it. I just want for it to work out for us and for him to be what I need, I dont want to have to start over again, and bring another man into my daughters life, and I 
hate the fpull when Im single to look for a man. 
Before I had my daughter it was easy being single, I was always single and loved it.  Now Im just ready to have the family life, cooking dinner together and going to the park kinda deal. He is better than any guy I have been with, he doesnt really have any friends, doesnt go out partying, if he is not at hockey, fishing, or at work (or now at his parents) he is with me. I hate feeling so suspicious. I really dont think he would cheat on me,(even though those thoughts pop in my head) its more of just him being sneaky and not telling me things that he thinks I wouldnt agree with. I feel like I like to know EVERYTHING thats going on. My mom is the same way so maybe I get it from her. Anyone have any coping skills suggestions, how to stop worrying about him and what he is doing?


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## adaptive1 (Mar 28, 2008)

I feel for you Meagan, you want him to be what you need but it sounds like he can't even be what he needs, so I do think you need to be careful. If he can change great, but lets hope he really wants to for himself and not just for you because that motivation seldom works for long.

Speaking as someone that has with strong obsessional and compulsive tendancies, the only thing that I can say works for me to stop worrying and obsessing about things, is that when I find myself doing something obsessive or compulsive, I take a minute to recognize that it is happening, I try not to get upset about the fact that I am obsessing and I try to look at it as logically as possible and say that I am just obessesing and then I go and do something that will distract me from what I am thinking of. 

Or, if I obess about someone or something, I now try and have no contact with that subject or that person, in other words if you don't feed the worry or obsession, it will diminish in time. It is really tough to quit worrying, it takes alot of work and you have to keep practicing.


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