# Depression got its hooks into me again



## Into The Light (Feb 23, 2009)

i've had a really difficult few days with everything in my life seeming pointless and just hurting a lot emotionally. i'm coming out of it now, thankfully, but am feeling a bit distressed by it. life feels very difficult and hard to bear when i get into that headspace and i don't fight it when i'm there. the loneliness just kills me when i am feeling that way. right now i'm thinking i _have_ to fight this and not let it win and rule my life, but it's easier to have a fighting spirit when i am feeling better already.

i'm not really sure what to do or how to keep myself from slipping like that.

the other thought i am struggling with is how do other people NOT feel the way i do? how do people go about their lives not seeing futility? without pain and loneliness? i just don't understand it. and i'm envious. i just want to be happy.


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## Jazzey (Feb 23, 2009)

I'm sorry ITL.  Without wanting to sound cliche'd about this - this time of year is really rough...I've been struggling with the same path lately.

What to do?  Remember that this is a pattern of depression.  That you won't be here long. Do whatever makes you feel good (listen to upbeat music, rent a comedy, do some journaling, take a hot lavender bath).  Basically, nurture yourself ITL.  

How to not feel that way?  I haven't figured that out yet.  I guess I just accept that there will be days when I'm here again.  And understand that, as usual, it will pass, I will feel better.  

Your last sentence is a toughy.  My thoughts have been right there alongside yours in recent times.  I guess maybe just recognize it's part of the twisted thinking of depression.  And do whatever you can to make you happy in that very moment.  Sorry, it may not be particularly constructive ITL.  But you taught me some tricks here early on - I'm just spewing them right back at you tonight.


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## ladylore (Feb 23, 2009)

Into The Light said:


> I've had a really difficult few days with everything in my life seeming pointless and just hurting a lot emotionally. I'm coming out of it now, thankfully, but am feeling a bit distressed by it. life feels very difficult and hard to bear when i get into that head space and i don't fight it when I'm there. the loneliness just kills me when i am feeling that way. right now I'm thinking i _have_ to fight this and not let it win and rule my life, but it's easier to have a fighting spirit when i am feeling better already.
> 
> I'm not really sure what to do or how to keep myself from slipping like that.
> 
> the other thought i am struggling with is how do other people NOT feel the way i do? how do people go about their lives not seeing futility? without pain and loneliness? i just don't understand it. and I'm envious. i just want to be happy.



I think the recognition of when your "out of it" is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. :2thumbs:

I know that slips happen but they are only slips. And not your fault.

You don't always see futility ITL. I know this to be fact, and in saying that, life can be hard.

I don't want to sound like your therapist, cause I'm not, but I was wondering - What does "being happy" look like to you? How long would it last/do you think it should last? What does happiness feel like?

I have had these questions asked to me so I thought I would pass them on. 

Maybe another way to look at it would be to ask yourself what being free of depression would look and feel like?

:2cents:


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## boi (Feb 23, 2009)

I am sorry you feel like that ITL....I know how it feels to slip into the depression...I want you to know that you have my support and just hang in there....:hug:


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## Into The Light (Feb 23, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> I'm sorry ITL.  Without wanting to sound cliche'd about this - this time of year is really rough...I've been struggling with the same path lately.


it's funny, it's not even the weather that's affecting me. this is the first time i haven't been depressed because of winter. i think what got me was being sick with the flu. i felt so miserable and so horrible and it was such a reminder of when i hit the worst of my depression. just feeling bad all the way around.



> What to do?  Remember that this is a pattern of depression.  That you won't be here long. Do whatever makes you feel good (listen to upbeat music, rent a comedy, do some journaling, take a hot lavender bath).  Basically, nurture yourself ITL.


this is the piece i always seem to forget when i'm in the midst of it. i just hurt and wallow in it and don't remember there are things i could do to help me love or comfort myself.



> How to not feel that way?  I haven't figured that out yet.  I guess I just accept that there will be days when I'm here again.  And understand that, as usual, it will pass, I will feel better.


i am having a tough time with the acceptance. i really rebel against it but in rebelling i tell myself life is nothing but pain and misery.



> Your last sentence is a toughy.  My thoughts have been right there alongside yours in recent times.  I guess maybe just recognize it's part of the twisted thinking of depression.  And do whatever you can to make you happy in that very moment.  Sorry, it may not be particularly constructive ITL.  But you taught me some tricks here early on - I'm just spewing them right back at you tonight.


i think i need to figure out what would make me feel better in the moment. it's really hard knowing.



ladylore said:


> I think the recognition of when your "out of it" is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. :2thumbs:
> 
> I know that slips happen but they are only slips. And not your fault.
> 
> You don't always see futility ITL. I know this to be fact, and in saying that, life can be hard.


i know i don't always see futility but it didn't help me. rationally i know i can see life in a positive light, but it just wasn't helping. 

i struggle with that, with life being hard. it being hard is what makes it hurt for me, i think.



> I don't want to sound like your therapist, cause I'm not, but I was wondering - What does "being happy" look like to you? How long would it last/do you think it should last? What does happiness feel like?
> 
> I have had these questions asked to me so I thought I would pass them on.
> 
> ...


being free of it would mean i would wake up in a good mood most days and i'd have energy to do everything i need to do. i would also feel a connection with other people, have friends, and i wouldn't feel like life was such a burden. i wouldn't even be contemplating why life is so hard and painful. i'd just be enjoying it. i know this is possible because i've had a glimpse of this and the thought that i might spend more of my life depressed than not just gets to me.

i'd be guilt-free too, and resentment-free, and i wouldn't be worrying so much about things.

i guess these are goals i need to write down and work towards?


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## ladylore (Feb 23, 2009)

> being free of it would mean i would wake up in a good mood most days and i'd have energy to do everything i need to do. i would also feel a connection with other people, have friends, and i wouldn't feel like life was such a burden. i wouldn't even be contemplating why life is so hard and painful. i'd just be enjoying it. i know this is possible because i've had a glimpse of this and the thought that i might spend more of my life depressed than not just gets to me.
> 
> i'd be guilt-free too, and resentment-free, and i wouldn't be worrying so much about things.
> 
> i guess these are goals i need to write down and work towards?



Fantastic answer! 
Putting them up on your fridge your somewhere that you can easily access them is a great idea too.

In regards to these things, there don't seem to be many easy answers. 

Do the best you can and remember what it feels like to be free of depression, because like you said, you have had glimses. Hold on to that the best you can.

:hug:


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## Halo (Feb 23, 2009)

ladylore said:


> Do the best you can and remember what it feels like to be free of depression, because like you said, you have had glimses. Hold on to that the best you can.



I really think that what Robyn says above pretty much sums up everything that I would have said.  I have more to say but can't really put it into words tonight....just know that you are in my thoughts :hug: 

Take care
:hug: :hug:


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## forgetmenot (Feb 23, 2009)

i hope your feelilng better ive been draggedout with this illness as well take care Into The Light start feeling happier soon Mary


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## amastie (Feb 24, 2009)

Whatever space you jumped into ITL, (and Jazzey too  ) I jumped into it too.
When I figure how to get our I'll share my secret 
For a long time, I've only ever been able to give very short answers here because I lack the mental ability to share more, but I do like people to know that I am there for them, as I am for you - even if we are shaking hands across the same pool <lol>

Is the problem come with being human?  I want to be less human.  How do I go about that


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## suewatters1 (Feb 24, 2009)

ITL I understand what your going through. My depression has hit me hard.  I left work yesterday with the intention of not going back for a few months or ever.  Because I know if I tried to finish the week I don't know if I could keep myself safe.  I left a message with my DR and let him know so when he checks his messages today he should call to schedule an appointment as soon as he has a cancellation.  I told him I was on the edge.

So I hope you get out of your depression and then you can tell me your secrets of getting out of it.

Sue


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## forgetmenot (Feb 24, 2009)

hi suewatters im glad you are trying to make an earlier appt with dr hope he is able to help you out of your depression to and im glad your taking time off work this should help  take care mary


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## Jackie (Feb 24, 2009)

Hello Into the Light,

Depression is a pain in the arse. I take Effexor for mine but the best thing I ever did was to invest in a Dawn Stimulator, its made a world of difference for me. I know they are expensive but they are worth every penny because they make you feel so much better. Heres the one similar to the one I brought.

Dawn Simulator | Sunriser System 320

I hope you feel better soon. Love from Jackie:hug:


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## Into The Light (Feb 25, 2009)

my secrets to beating depression - not sure if they'll work but worth a shot

in no particular order:

1. medication AND
2. therapy to work out your issues AND
3. exercise
4. think of what you want your life to be like, these will be your goals
5. _take control_: for each goal, decide on a plan of action on how to reach it. BABY STEPS!
6. figure out a way to not forget the things to do to not feel depressed when you get into that headspace again (not sure how i'm going to do this yet)
7. look for at least three good things in your day, every day. this is to break the cycle of negativity
8. listen to neutral or upbeat music in the morning
9. open up those curtains to let the light in when you get up
10. get support from a friend or spouse when low
11. be patient, be hopeful, and forgive yourself for how you're feeling
12. be kind to yourself
13. get a pet if able to; pets provide unconditional love
14. if you can't handle a pet, get a plant to take care of. watch it grow and bloom!
15. keep reminding yourself - this will get better, i can do a lot of things to feel better, this isn't hopeless
16. if you can't see a way out of the hopelessness, have a therapist help you
17. on better days seize the opportunity to write down a list of things as motivation / to help talk you out of feeling bad. on better days we see things more clearly so we need to find a way to remind ourselves on the worse days. try to pick things that make you happy on better days and describe why those things are good. on the worse days READ this stuff. also maybe describe typical things that bother you on the bad days and counter all those things with the clearer view you have on the good days to help you through it the next time.
18. write reminders to yourself, such as: one moment, one day at a time; this will pass; there is a solution to every problem and i can handle it (with the help of a friend, spouse or therapist); feeling better takes work but is VERY worth the effort; don't forget to apply learned cbt techniques (mood logs) to help feel better.

i think i am going to make this my "emergency depression list". i'll pull it out when things get rough. maybe make it a checklist of sorts?


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## ladylore (Feb 25, 2009)

One other tool that has helped me is to write down how I was my own best friend today. Basically how I took care of myself or trusted myself. I use my daytimer to record one thing I did that day on how I was my own best friend. 

My help a bit ITL. Never know.


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## amastie (Feb 26, 2009)

To add to Roby's, also to recall each day what I can be grateful for.  There's always something.  I really like the idea of a gratitude journal.
ITL  :support:     :flowers:    :hug:


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