# I have come to a dead end!



## Heather (Jan 4, 2006)

I have come to a dead end of late, one of my good friends has picked it up, she said that even though I have been there to listen to her problems the same as I always have been she said I can notice something is not right!

She is correct something is not right!

She asked me 'I mean are you contemplating suicide?' and I vomited! (lucky for me this was on msn -- so she doesn't know). 

I don't know, I keep having these thoughts and dreams, right these 2 people have hurt me so badly and I keep having thoughts of sending them letters telling them that they were the cause of my death and you know the rest.

The awful thing is that I have the means and in these thoughts and dreams that is what I use.

I don't often feel my depression, but right now it is really bad, and I don't want to be like this anymore. 

Of course I told my friend no way I was not thinking of suicide at all, but I dunno how truthful that is! I was busting to scream YES! But I contained myself!!!

I am not usually the type of person to be cruel enough to do what I said re: the letters, but in this case it would be true, and I have the urge. Originally I wanted to show them that no matter what they did they were not going to beat me! But I have so much else going on and am seeing specialists atm as I am in severe pain daily, plus they think there may be problems with my brain, so these are contributing factors as well, but I can cope with those issues or the others but both, ouch! I am even having trouble breathing right now, especially whilst typing this. I am wondering whether I should even send it etc...

I am so so scared.

I know I should go and see the counsellor I was seeing before but I haven't been to her for months and months and I don't want to go back because last time I saw her I was doing so well, I don't want to go to her now with all my broken pieces and my dr is away until Feb, she is the only one I feel like going to.

I guess I shouldn't have taken myself off all meds (went cold turkey -- and none of them know yet and this was months ago)...

Heather...

P.S. Sorry to be a burdeon but this is the only place I am being honest about this I don't wish anyone in my life to know this stuff! Once again I have made everyone think that I am perfectly fine! Sigh! There is nothing wrong with me!


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## Lana (Jan 4, 2006)

Hi Heather,

Sweetie, please, pretty please, get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible.  If your doctor is away, she probably has someone that is looking after her caseload.  Do not put this off, please.

Also, call your counsellor.  Part of being well is knowing when to ask for help.  Seeing her would make her glad that you called, it would show that you're looking after yourself.  I'm also willing to bet that talking to her may help ease your fears.  

You are not a burden, Heather.  I do worry about you and hope you're alright.  Please let us know how the doctor's visit turns out and how you're doing.

Lana.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 4, 2006)

I agree with Lana.



			
				HJ said:
			
		

> I know I should go and see the counsellor I was seeing before but I haven't been to her for months and months and I don't want to go back because last time I saw her I was doing so well, I don't want to go to her now with all my broken pieces and my dr is away until Feb, she is the only one I feel like going to.


She is not going to "look down on you" or "be disappointed in you" for not doing well now. It is not uncommon for people who have suffered a depression to have a relapse or recurrence at some point. Call her.



> I guess I shouldn't have taken myself off all meds (went cold turkey -- and none of them know yet and this was months ago)...


This would be an excellent time to renew that medication. They will help. You do not have to continue to feel the way you are feeling. And in your heart you know this.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 4, 2006)

You're not a burden. Not at all. Ever.

Please call. You don't have to suffer this way.

You may feel all broken, but broken can be fixed, put back together. Think of a beautiful mosaic. That's how you will be, different than before, but still beautiful and well and stronger than before because of what you have already made it through.


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## Eunoia (Jan 4, 2006)

hey hun, I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now... you've taken such a leap of faith by being honest about this on here and opening up, I think that's a great start. pls call your councellor who you were seeing before or get yourself to a new one, either way, you _need_ to go see someone. We all care about you lots but sometimes you can't do this on your own; you have a lot going on in your life right now and you're still trying to be the strong one and 'fix' things on your own. Let people help you, and a huge load will be taken off of your shoulders. You don't have to pretend like everything is all right, it won't change who you are deep downn- you're still the sweet & caring person no matter what. What about all the profs you have who have helped you out in the past? Can you go talk to one of them? From everything you have told me about them, at least one of them sounds like she would be more than willing _and_ able to help you. 

Sometimes we have to fall to the very bottom to realize how desperate a situation has gotten, but you don't have to keep on falling. You have lots of people who are willing to help you and care about you, please don't forget that. Think of Janet's analogy; it's very true.


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## Heather (Jan 7, 2006)

Firstly: Thanks sooooooooooooooooooooooo much for the replies, I read them a while ago unfortunately I did something really silly so I wasnâ€™t able to reply (for guilt  reasons mostly)â€¦ 

Lana â€“ I should have contacted my counsellor you are so right, sigh!

David â€“ I am so useless at taking help and was so trying not to go back to counselling, like at all!!! But I am leaving uni soon so perhaps I will find another one now to get used to so I can continue after uni (as the one I go to is a uni one) but I donâ€™t want to, sigh, I dunno what to do!

Janetr â€“ I like that mosaic thing thanks 

Eunoia â€“ I really did fall to the bottom but I am picking up now.


Now for the reason I was guilty 


What I did: Well I am not telling too many people this but I took an OD of sleeping tablets the other day, but I ended up stopping myself half way through and I called for a dr and she rang a few times and made me give her my brothers work number (or she would ring an ambulance) etcâ€¦ anyway all was fine and she called my brother and she said that I was ok but the next day I had to go to a dr well she tricked me I turned up today and saw the admin person I had spoken to and she said ok do you realise who your appointment is with today and I said no (that dr is away today) well she said that the dr had made an appointment with a counselor for me she had gone and spoken to her and told her all about what I had done etc... and the thing is my dr and my counselor are both away so I was put in with an unfamiliar counselor today not realising what was going on as you know it is hard enough all this for me anyway I find it hard to go to the counselor as it is anyway I went and the counselor ended up being great anyway but still!! the dr did the wrong thing, she is a really caring dr (I have seen her a few times when mine has been away) so I know why she did it it turns out the dr wasn't worried about my health as I sounded fine on the phone she was concerned about my state of mind well I went to the counselor and she asked me why I did it etc... and I told her a little and she noted that I had seen one of the other counselors (as I go to the uni counseling and health service to see drs and counselors)etc... she told me what the dr had said to her etc... and she asked if it was ok for her to report to my counselor and the dr and I had to sign a form etc... anyway she deemed me as fine she thinks as I do that it was a call for help because I canâ€™t ask for help! so she is telling the dr I am ok just stressed etc... she was helpful in telling me other supports etc... at uni she said that it would be good if I went back to seeing my counselor due to my comfort with her but she said that if mine is unavailable or for any other reason she would be happy to see me again there was btw a dr there who would see me if the counselor deemed it necessary but she didn't I promised her I would go back to my counselor even though I wasnâ€™t going to sigh! She asked if it was ok to call me on my holidays (which start Monday) to see how I am as well I said that was fine but not necessary but there was one thing she said I didnâ€™t like  she said that I shouldn't have gone off the meds and that I should go back on them
didn't like that  I dunno re: meds I don't want to go back on them I told her I would wait for my dr to come back and talk to her about it she also made sure I had somewhere to go over the weekend if I feel yuk again she made sure I had an action plan and she said if I am stuck while away that I can ring and make a phone appointment to talk to her or my counselor she was pretty through  see they are not open on weekends so that is why so I told her my back up plan which was: 1. I have told a friend so will call her first, if she is not available will call my lecturer and if I need medical assistance hospital not too far

but then I got sick (was bleeding â€“ long story) and ended up going to hospital Friday night, which was lucky as I had blood poisoning from the OD and they kept me over-night etcâ€¦ I had an assessment done by the mental health team and they all said I was ok and they said that they would release me if I wanted to be released! But they said I could stay if I wanted, well of course I didnâ€™t I left! I am ok now but have to go back to GP for assessment! Now the mental health lady gave my details to the social worker and after my holiday I am going to see them, donâ€™t think there is a lot of point but they said that they could tell me places that may be able to help me (but we will see)â€¦

I am so ashamed!!!

Heatherâ€¦


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## ThatLady (Jan 7, 2006)

There's nothing to be ashamed of, hon. There is, however, plenty to be concerned about.

You really need to continue with your counselling and quit making your own health decisions. You ain't got the qualifications, ya know? 

Why are you so resistant to seeing your counsellor? Why are you so resistant to taking the medications that will help you to get past the problems and on with your life? These are questions you need to ask yourself. To refuse to accept the help you need to get where you're going is self-destructive behavior, luv. That's not the way to a better life.


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## Eunoia (Jan 7, 2006)

The doctors and counsellor you saw cared & believed in you even when you didn't believe in yourself. Maybe you can hold on to a little bit of what they see to get you through this feeling, until you can talk to your own doctor and counsellor once they're back. When do they come back? There's a quote that comes to mind which makes sense of our fears of failing and our dreams we don't dare to imagine...


> The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
> Eleanor Roosevelt


Think of all the dreams you have, the goals for yourself. No one can take those away from you, not by something that happened in the past or a comment or act in the present... if you believe in yourself enough to follow your dreams you will reach them, maybe not the 'easy' way or the way you imagine, but you will reach them, coming out a better person for all of it. You've ignored some parts of yourself in hopes of making it through okay, but a part can't ever be 'okay' until the whole is. You will stumble upon the same feelings, fears and worries in the future, maybe in different contexts, if you don't face them now. I think sometimes the things we go through make us realize what our priorities are and what we are truly passionate about.... that's not to say it's an easy journey, but it's a journey you can learn from. Think of how hard you've worked to go into child care... isn't that a goal you're truly passionate about? Right now you have an opportunity to change the way you're feeling about your life, you have so many hands reaching out to you, offering to help you guide you through this. You can gain strength and courage and confidence in your decisons by going through each experience and looking fear into its face, remembering that you have made it through so much and that you can make it through this as well. I for one, believe in you, and now you just have to believe in yourself. Let yourself reach out, try everything you can to fight this, whether it means going back on some meds or seeing a counsellor regularly, but you don't ever know that there is no hope until you have truly tried everything in your power. It really is up to you to take that step and let yourself get help though.


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## Heather (Jan 7, 2006)

Dear That Lady and  Eunoia,

That Lady â€“ I know what you mean, I really really do, thing is that I want to be able to live like most people do, there are many people on no meds and not seeing a counsellor, whay canâ€™t I be like that, I was treated badly as a child, this is where a lot of my problems come from, I just wish that it didnâ€™t effect me so badly I want to be able to just I dunno be me. Sorry just rambling now, but I guess what I am saying is that I just want to be ok, sigh, what did I do to make me feel so rotton all the time!

Eunoia â€“ you really have a way with words! thanks for the quote etcâ€¦ I will be fine, I am going to go back to counselling definitely but still not so sure about the meds yet, I REALLY donâ€™t want them!

Thanks for the replies 

Heatherâ€¦

P.S. As of tomorrow (Monday) I am going away for 2 weeks, will catch up with you when I return!


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## ThatLady (Jan 7, 2006)

Nobody wants to be on medications, hon. Diabetics don't. People with heart conditions don't. Neither do people who have other conditions that require they take medications regularly. However, for their best interests to be served, the medications are necessary. Luckily for those of us who fight with depression and other mental conditions, for many it's possible to look at a medicationless future down the road, if we do all the work we need to do. It's not possible for everyone, but it's definitely possible for some. I'm one of 'em.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 7, 2006)

ThatLady is correct.



> I know what you mean, I really really do, thing is that I want to be able to live like most people do, there are many people on no meds and not seeing a counsellor, whay canâ€™t I be like that


There are lots of people who have no physical medical problems, no psychological issues like shyness or anxiety or depression or any one of a hundred things... at least for now. Sooner or later, most people need to take medication for something.


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## Heather (Jan 7, 2006)

ThatLady and David,

I have other medical problems and am therefore on medications for them also so I can understand where you are coming from.

I am going to go away and try not to think about things too much for those 2 weeks, then when I come back I will go to my regular dr and see what she says at one stage she wanted to take me off the meds anyway, I will see what she thinks now, but I am only going to a dr I trust for this one. 

I really think I can do it without meds, see I have never really even given counselling a proper go and I would prefer to try other things before meds, they are good for some people but taking them made me feel awful and I kept forgetting to take them anyway!!! I really think the big thing I need is a break, I do way too much and think it essentially caught up to me! My dr last year wanted me to go to a counsellor and do CBT so I will bring this up with her again when I see her.

Thanks again Heatherâ€¦

P.S. I am feeling quite good now but want to put some precautions in place for my next down period!


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 7, 2006)

That is certainly a good idea (therapy with a CBT component). I would just note that you should be aware that every study that has ever looked at the most effective methods for treating depression or anxiety disorders has come to the same very clear conclusion: medication PLUS therapy is more effective than either alone.

That said, it's a personal choice. I never pressure clients to take medication if they don't want it, but I will give them the facts and my opinion about what is most effective. As long as one makes an informed decision, I am all for it.


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## Heather (Jan 7, 2006)

David yeah I bet that therapy and medication are the best because you are getting the best of both worlds. I have tried medication though and didnâ€™t like it but if therapy alone doesnâ€™t cut it I will go back on meds to get myself sorted! I really respect yours and everyone elses opinion on here, but do want to talk to my dr and counsellor about it as they both know me reasonably well, sure not as well as they could but they still reasonably well, and the counsellor has even seen me show emotion (there are not very many people who experience this from me).

And the attempt really was more of a cry for help, I assure you of that as I was not only able to stop myself but I was also able to call a dr and tell them what I had done and that I needed help. And on a suggestion by Eunoia (from a private message) I have actually removed what did it to me, not for good just until I am a little less vulnerable! Sure there are other means but I think at this stage I am safe. 

I need to discuss with dr about another thing, I have constant pain, I have been getting used to it but with all the stressors in my life constant pain is not what I need (it is medical and wonâ€™t ever go away but perhaps dr can help me deal with it better as thus far I have been telling everyone it is all fine).

But I have people who are looking out for me here that is for sure 

Heatherâ€¦


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## ThatLady (Jan 7, 2006)

Enjoy your vacation, hon. Try to put all this out of your mind and just have a good time!


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## Heather (Jan 7, 2006)

P.S. I finally felt the strength to put back my signature (through this whole  thing I had to take it away -- silly I know -- well it is back now and I have a HUGE smile because of that)!!!

Heather...


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## ThatLady (Jan 7, 2006)

Me, too!


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## Heather (Jan 26, 2006)

Hey all,

I just thought that I would let everyone know I am back from my holiday, haven't gotton any further than that yet but I am ok 

P.S. David, I love the changes, well the new forum, awsome!!!


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## Into The Light (Aug 30, 2006)

Janet said:


> You may feel all broken, but broken can be fixed, put back together. Think of a beautiful mosaic. That's how you will be, different than before, but still beautiful and well and stronger than before because of what you have already made it through.



janet i thought this was such a beautiful thing you said here. i am going to put this one in my special notebook that i have started to help me feel better when i am down. thank you


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 30, 2006)




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