# Beware of Apologies That Won't Heal



## David Baxter PhD (Apr 3, 2019)

*Beware of Apologies That Won't Heal*
by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., _Psychology Today_
Mar 20, 2019  

*These apologies hurt rather than heal.*

Not every apology leaves both parties feeling better.

  An apology can  be offered without sincerity, simply to get out of a predicament. Or the  wording of the apology simply lets the person off the hook. You might  not be satisﬁed to hear your partner say, “I’m sorry you were so  upset by my comment at the party,” as if the problem is  that you’re oversensitive. You may want to hear, “I’m sorry I  criticized you for telling jokes at the party. I was out of line to  act like it was my job to monitor your behavior.”

  Then there are apologies followed by rationalizations. We’ve all  heard these (or offered them), and they are rarely satisfying. My friend  Jennifer Berman drew a cartoon of the “guy with a million  excuses.” My personal favorite was “I’m sorry . . . but you  never ASKED me if I was married with kids.” 

  When we confront someone about something they did or didn’t do, it  can be so satisfying if they can just say, “I’m really sorry,”  and leave it at that. More frequently, however, the person's apology   ("I’m sorry it’s been so long since I called”) is followed by an add-on  implying they're not really responsible for their actions  (“...but my work has been so overwhelming I didn’t have a free second”).

  Some folks apologize  with a grand ﬂourish but then go on to continue the very behavior they  are apologizing for—whether it’s drinking or coming home late from  work after they’ve agreed not to. An endless, meaningless string of  apologies signals a failure to change one’s own behavior.

  What matters is not whether the wrongdoer sounded authentic or  “really meant it” in those passionate expressions of remorse. All that  counts is whether that person follows through so that there is no repeat  performance,

  Some apologies serve mainly to silence the other person. A man who started therapy  told his wife six months after  she discovered his affair, “I said I’m sorry, so why are you bringing it  up again?” No apology can substitute for a willingness to hang  in there, and engage with the other person over time. Nor can saying  “I’m sorry” substitute for the hard work of healing a betrayal and doing  whatever is necessary to rebuild trust.

  Perhaps you can think of apologies or expressions of  remorse you would have preferred not to receive. Perhaps a person who  has harmed you in the past decides she needs to apologize to facilitate  her own recovery, without considering whether dredging up very  old material might be more painful than helpful for you. 

  Not all apologies clear the air or foster the growth of the relationship. Learn to spot the bad ones.

*About the Author*






_*Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.*, is the author of many books, including the New York Times bestseller, *The Dance of Anger*, and *Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts*. Website: HarrietLerner.com_


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