# The emotional side of retirement



## making_art (Sep 12, 2012)

*The emotional side of retirement*
 By John Archer, _The Montreal Gazette
_August 23, 2012

_An interview with Hani Kafoury, MA, Psychology._
*
1.  In your opinion, which types of people are the ones best equipped to  transition into retirement and which are the worst equipped?*
When  working with people experiencing major life changes I look at their way  of tackling life in general, their experience with previous  transitions, and their overall preparedness for the transition they are  currently facing, such as retirement. 

The individual  psychological and emotional makeup is key indicator as to the way people  tackle retirement. People will tackle retirement, or any major life  event, in a consistent fashion and in line with their personality. 

The  transition literature identifies different personality types and how  they are likely to deal with retirement. The “mature” types accept  themselves in a realistic fashion and exhibit little neurotic conflicts –  they typically take old age as a given and ease into retirement without  many issues; the “rocking-chair” types are typically more passive in  their outlook on things and actually welcome retirement as the  opportunity of being free of responsibilities; the “armored” type who  have difficulty facing passivity or helplessness in old age are  typically seen as very active which may be a defense against the fear of  growing old. For those who are less-well adjusted, there may be anger  directed either externally or internally for having failed to reach  their professional goals and ambitions. They will either blame others,  themselves, or both for the shortfall. So when working with people  undergoing transitions, I am more interested in the process rather than  content – that is, I want to highlight to them their psychological and  emotional dynamic rather than just deal with the specifics of their  retirement circumstances. I focus on the cognitive and behavioral aspect  of what is being presented and share that insight with them so that  they can work through the transition in a more constructive manner. 

There  is an important distinction to be made between “change” and  “transition”. Change is what happens around us – it’s the day, for  instance, we actually leave our workplace…for good; it’s an event that  we witness and has a start and an end. Usually change begins with a gain  (freedom, control, etc.). Transition on the other hand, is an internal  event; it’s what is referred to as a “psychological reorientation”, and  it usually entails a loss (relationships, power, control,  predictability, routine, sense of competence, etc.) and throws one into a  three-phase transition process of “ending” (letting go of what was), a  “neutral zone” (an in-between period where the old way is gone but where  the new one has not yet been defined), and finally a “new beginning”  (new attitudes, feelings, behaviors, etc.). So retirement, or any other  major life change, puts one into that transition process – which would  explain why two people may experience the same change (ex. retirement)  quite differently and at different pace (transition).

Then, there  is the whole psychological preparation for retirement. This transition  process can occur months, if not years, prior to actually being retired.  The first step is to recognize retirement as a real future possibility;  to then plan one’s future accordingly; and to make the formal decision  to retire at a certain time and in a certain way. Overall, it involves  one’s transition and therefore detachment from one’s work role as well  as from the physical and relational ties in one’s workplace.

So  while all these variables determine how well someone is “equipped” to  deal with retirement, one cannot ignore the financial aspect - our  current financial situation, our anticipated future post-retirement  income and our desired lifestyle goals as a “work retiree”. These  considerations will also have a bearing on how “equipped” we feel to  undergo retirement.

*2. Is it those who have developed  healthy and active interests outside of their work environment who are  best equipped and those who have been traditionally "workaholics" with  little interest outside the workplace that are less equipped?*
It’s  not that straightforward. It all depends on how one currently sees  themselves. If one’s identity and self-image is associated in good part  with the work task, then trouble is on the horizon! They may struggle  when transitioning out of their current job and career and finding  themselves faced with the void – practical and psychological - that work  has left.
If that is the case, I like to work through with the  client what has really ended for them (sense of being valued, power,  influence, security, relationships, etc.) and how they are willing to  mourn the loss, reframe it and ultimately replace it so to reinvent  themselves. But before they can achieve this, they need to regain  control of their life (especially if they were forced into retirement  and feel victimized), gain understanding (make sense and learn something  about their current experience), further develop their support system  to help them through the transition, and revive a new sense of purpose  and meaning going forward.  

So even if the “workaholics” had  developed other interests outside of work, it does not necessarily mean  that they will find transitioning into retirement easier. Workaholics  may have been avoiding something in their life; they may also be the  competitive types who must “win” or excel in whatever they engage in.  They may, as we’ve seen with the “armor” type, use business as a defense  mechanism to cope with their fears of growing old and their own  finality. That being said, those who have cultivated other interests  outside of work have at their disposal more enjoyable activities to  delve into during their retirement years and perhaps even develop them  into remunerated activities. Filming and film editing was one of my  passions as a teenager and young adult; so at 51 I bought myself  semi-professional video equipment and set out to climb Kilimanjaro and  make a documentary about it. I am currently in the process of editing  the documentary intended for mid-lifers looking for travel adventures.  So hobbies can come in handy later in life!

*3. How about  those who never retire? Do they really love their work so much that  they go to the office every day or do they generally have little else  that interests them?*
There is a saying that goes  something like this “Do the work you love and you will not have to work  one day in your life.” I’ve worked for a business owner in the past, who  was 80 years old and still came in every morning to manage his billion  dollar company. When I asked him why he is still working (even if was  financially many times independent), he just said “This is not work!” So  I think there is some truth about people who do work they are  passionate about (and based on research they represent less than 10% of  the workforce) and who may be less keen on retiring from doing “what  they are”. They may very well have other interests outside of work, but  work does provide them with a great deal of pleasure. I say there is  nothing wrong with that if they are happy and if they are leading a  balanced life. Another example is Mr. Jean-Coutu, nearing 80 years old,  owner of the pharmacy banner in Quebec and who, allegedly, is very much  active in his business. So the more one is passionate about one’s work  the less likely the “work-leisure” dichotomy and the less likely one is  keen on retiring. 

Retirement may be turning into an old fashioned  concept. We may want to retire from a specific job but not necessarily  from working altogether! I am myself in that situation today – after a  long career as a Marketing and Communications executive – consulting,  counseling, coaching, training people and organizations in effectively  dealing with major change is not work for me! So who wants to retire  from doing “who we are”?

*4. How does a couple prepare  themselves for retirement? Suddenly their time together increases  dramatically and this can cause a problem.*
This is a  huge transition for both partners and requires a period of adjustment  that will require dealing effectively with loss of how things were prior  to one of the partners, or both retiring, and then embarking into a  “no-man’s land” through which the couple’s lifestyle is gradually  remodeled. 

In addition to the individual differences I discussed  earlier, there are also the couple differences to contend with in any  transitional process. The ease of the transition depends largely on the  relational dynamic of the couple prior to the new retirement reality.  There are three such dynamics: If their relationship is viewed as a  “husband-wife” one, where intimacy is in the forefront, they will  continue focusing on each other’s wants and needs and adapt to the new  situation with that in mind; if it is viewed as a “parent-child” one,  one of the partners will continue to assume the role of parent and the  other that of child (behaving in a submissive manner), the “parent” is  likely to “organize” the post-retirement lifestyle; finally, if the  couple is more of the “associates type” where they relate to each other  mainly as friends, they are likely to continue getting the most pleasure  in activities that lie outside the husband-wife intimacy (taking care  of children, being involved in book clubs, having golf partners, etc.).  So while retirement – like with other life changes such as the birth of  the first child, the death of a parent, etc. – may put the couple into  transition mode for a certain period of time, the way the couple deals  with it will be consistent with how they’ve dealt with past life  changes, based on their individual and relational dynamic.

*5.  Any suggestions on how to adapt to each other? And how about relations  with other family members during retirement? Do the retirees sometimes  get too involved in others’ lives?*
This all depends on  one’s expectations and other’s expectations of the retiree. Retirees may  be expected to spend more time at home with their spouse or with their  family, they may be expected to spend more time in leisure pursuits or  develop new hobbies, or develop new relationships. What is important  here is not to “cave in” under all these expectations and determine  one’s own view of how you want to live the rest of your life. Once you  know what you want, you are in a better position to express it to others  and negotiate what needs negotiation. Trying to please all you will end  up pleasing no one. Whether it is coaching or counseling, the goal is  to encourage people to be themselves and to be accountable for the life  they choose. This is not being selfish, it is being responsible.

Whenever  a couple is going through a major transition they need to take their  time to understand what they are actually losing in the process, arrange  for temporary solutions or structures, slow down (don’t get busy for  the sake of busyness), take care of themselves individually and one  another in little ways (find the little things that have not changed and  that bring them pleasure), see the positive in the change that has put  them in transition mode, find someone to talk to (not necessarily advice  but the opportunity to vent feelings and thoughts), think of the  transition as a transformational opportunity for personal growth. 
*
6. How do you council those who lose their sense of self-worth in retirement?*
*That  feeling that they may not be contributing to their society in a  meaningful way like they might have been doing while working?*
Our  culture puts a premium on productivity which is linked to bringing  about monetary success and professional prestige. Retirement is often  associated with lack of productivity and is therefore devalued. When  people learn to associate work with productivity and productivity with  self-worth that’s where trouble begins. 

It is important to  establish for the people that consult with me that while they may do  “who they are” they are NOT only what they do. That their self-worth is  not predicated on what they do or what they have, but on whom they  intrinsically are – human beings (not human doers). This notion comes  into stark contradiction with what you and I and the rest of us see and  hear day in and day out through the media – that who you are depends on  what you do and what you have. So one must find ways to assert the  being-ness part as a way to strengthen self-worth. 

For most  retirees though, the lack of self-worth goes beyond the “doing part”. It  has also very much to do with various work-related networks or  community they had belonged to prior to retirement (e.g. peers, union,  professional associations, company’s bowling team, etc.). If there is  little or no social network outside of work, the perceived loss is huge –  a sense of not belonging to something bigger than oneself; this loss  may bring upon feelings of uselessness and worthlessness. We are social  animals and a sense of belongingness is crucial in our striving for  significance. So replacing the old work community and reactivating the  current one, now that we have more time, is an important step in  transitioning effectively into retirement.

*7. What are some of the leading causes of depression that you encounter from those in retirement?*
Whether  it is retirement, job loss or career reorientation, when people  transition it is not uncommon that they feel discouraged – and this  could lead to clinical depression. They are discouraged because they  feel they are in an unfamiliar place in which they feel uncomfortable  and out of control. They also often make negative predictions about the  future as they do not feel confident in their ability to shape it  favorably or in a meaningful way. The key here is to build up their  self-efficacy and reframe things in a more constructive, assured and  optimistic manner.

From a transition process a retiree will go  through various stages in dealing with the end of work as they knew it.  They will first disengage from the context that was familiar to them  (leaving the workplace), dismantle (going from “we” to “I”),  dis-identify (not sure who they are anymore), disenchant (disappointment  that can turn into disillusion), and finally feel disoriented  (confusion and emptiness). That’s the time where one needs to dig in for  inner resources and/or look for support to avoid falling into  discouragement or depression. It is well established that when  confronted with a major loss most people experience a predictable  pattern: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and in most cases  accepting (which are not necessarily linear events). The intensity and  length of each phase is predicated on the perceived significance of the  loss and one’s coping abilities and resources.

*8. Do retirees often become shut-ins? Anti-social? Does alcoholism increase?*
These  are not exclusive to retirees as you can appreciate. Being shut-in,  anti-social or resorting to any substance abuse is rarely the direct  result of external factors, in this case a major life change. The  difficulty one encounters as a retiree comes from the inability of  letting go of the person one used to be to the person one needs to  become. So we are dealing again with the transition process of dealing  with the loss and redefining one’s new role. So some of the things that  need to be explored with a retiree who may be “shutting in” are things  like “What is it time for me to let go of in my life right now? What are  the possibilities out there that are waiting to make their entrance?  Etc.

The good news is that, developmentally, there is a gradual  shift that occurs as one moves past 40 in that one becomes less  motivated by the need to demonstrate competence and become more  motivated by the need to find personal meaning, in work as in life. In  that sense, retiring can be perceived as a positive experience to look  forward to. As a matter of fact some studies show that less than  one-third of the retired population experience difficulty in adjusting  to retirement with only 22% of these saying they miss their previous  job. This comes as no surprise since we know that less than 10% of  people say that they are passionate about their work. For most then  “thank goodness, that part of my life is over!” may be the motivation to  moving on!

In the final analysis, it is not retirement, or any  other major change, that dictates how we react. Alfred Adler, a world  renowned psychotherapist, coined it the psychology of use (not of  possession): “It is not what life gives you that is important; it is  what you do with what life gives you that is”. I find this a very  empowering notion; it gives us all a wide range of choices and  possibilities when confronted with life’s many changes and challenges.

*9. How important is it to develop hobbies or sports before retirement or even during retirement?*
Please see my response to question no. 2

*10. How important is it to keep mentally active? How important is keeping socially active?*
As  they say “what we don’t use, we lose”. So it goes without saying that  keeping mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially active are  essential to a balanced and more rewarding living and that if any one of  these are compromised we are thrown out of keel.  A compromise as  little as spraining an ankle speaks volume as to how equilibrium in all  other spheres of our life can instantly be broken. So leading a  reasonably balanced life is likely to help when we encounter major  transitions, such as retiring from the workforce – but hopefully not  from life!

*11. What is the ideal lag between actually  retiring and the decision to retire, if one had the choice? A year, six  months?  Three months?*
I don’t believe there is a  timeframe that fits all. For all the reasons we’ve considered so far,  different people will be comfortable with different time frames. Experts  in the field of retirement will tell you that the more time one takes  to plan the better. 

While this is a truism, I believe that what  really matters is to have a knowing of your life’s vision and mission. I  practice defining this with my clients (whether they are close to  retirement or not). Most find it very difficult as they get bogged down  with the “how” I will get there. The paradox is that if the “what” I  want out of life is clear, the “how” usually appears in strange and  unexpected ways. It is not esoteric; it is just the cybernetic function  of the brain which works best with a clear goal to be reached or a clear  problem to be solved. So the short answer is it’s not just about “when”  but also about “what”.

*12. Do you sometimes advise people not to retire if you feel they are not ready?*
It  is not for me to feel anything. As a matter of fact, I don’t see my  role as “helping them” do anything. I see my role as taking them on an  exploratory journey where they will find their own answers. When I do  counselling or coaching I am more of a guide than a teacher. Whether  they want to embark on the journey or not, whether they are ready to get  temporarily lost along the way, learn from the experience, move on and  get to their own destination, is entirely up to them.

When I  summited Kilimanjaro in 2009, we had guides, porters, food and water…  and the highest mountain in Africa; the rest was for us to figure out –  our pace, our focus, our determination.

Someone once said: “Owing  to our mistaken social customs we put old people on the shelf often  while they are still full of activity. One should never advise [anyone]  at the age of sixty, seventy, or even eighty to retire, since it is much  easier to continue in one’s occupation than to change one’s whole  scheme of life.” That was Alfred Adler. The year? Circa 1907.

*13.  Do you sometimes advise people who are retired to go back to work, if  you feel they are not ready and that seems to be the solution?*
Please see my answer to question 12. 

So  being “ready” for retirement or a career reorientation is a personal  matter – I tell my clients whether you feel you are ready, or you’re  not, you are right. What I am interested in however, assuming the  retirement date has not been imposed on them, are the reasons they may  feel they are ready or not. The important thing is that they are  retiring (or not) for the “right” reasons – because that’s what they  want. If it is apparent that their decision is fear-based or  externally-based (e.g. their spouse would want them, etc.) then we work  with that.

*14. And anything else you might want to add.*
After  27 years in the pharmaceutical industry, half of which was spent as a  senior executive, I decided to go on my own and launch my private  practice that would specialize in guiding organizations and individuals  more effectively deal with change through effective transition. 

This  decision had been almost 8 years in the making and to prepare me for my  career reorientation. While working full-time as an executive and  raising a family, I set out to complete my MA in Psychology (which took  me a good six years to do), get formal training in the area of  transition, in leadership coaching and a certification in the  Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (which is invaluable to the work I do). My  “retirement” from the corporate world meant that I had to let go of and  deal with several losses: the security of a substantial bi-weekly  paycheck, the power and influence of leading hundreds of people  throughout my career, some of the personal and professional  relationships I had, etc. In that eight-year period, and today at 54, I  was able to “reinvent” my professional identity into work that I am  passionate about. There was no looking back!
So whether I train  people and leaders in organizations to more effectively manage the  people side of change (something most organizations don’t do much of) to  achieve real change, or individuals on a one-on-one basis to better  cope and thrive on personal change in their life – it’s all about  transition and the psychological reorientation people go through when  faced with major change – whether it is merger, an acquisition, a new IT  system or process…or retirement.

*15. Do you as a  professional offer pre-retirement services to firms or individuals to  test if they are ready or to guide them accordingly?*
I  do not. However, I am a certified Myers-Briggs Type Indicator  administrator and coach and will use this personality inventory to work  through my clients’ career progression and reorientation. I coach people  in Montreal but also across Canada and the U.S.

*16. Summary/take-away*



 Since my psychological work is based on the “unity of the individual”  premise, the way one approaches life is the way on approaches retirement  and all other life’s events.
  Any major change event will  trigger a 3-phase transition process (although some transition pre-empt  and trigger an event) which involves dealing with an “ending”, crossing  an in-between phase called the “Neutral Zone” and arriving at the “New  Beginning”. The more we are experienced with transitions, the more  resilience we exhibit with new transitions.
  To retire from work  does not mean we must retire from life. If work was our life, this  transition period will be helpful in asking ourselves questions that  will put things back in a more balanced perspective. Also, in any  transitional process the end of something does NOT mean the end of  everything. Remember that we are much more than what we do.
  Retirement may be a pass? concept - we may decide to retire from a job, but not from working.
  While we all strive for significance and belongingness, do not define  those only by what you contribute at work – look at how else you can  contribute in life and into your immediate and larger community.
  Don’t let anyone tell you when the “best” time to retire is; you need  to make that choice for the right reasons, and these reasons belong to  you. If you are forced into retirement by your employer than you need to  process the loss and then determine how you want to live the rest of  your life and just live it!
  Being in a couple is often about  negotiating each other’s’ needs and wants – it is no different during  retirement and the transition is forces couples into.


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