# Things are hard



## Reaper (Nov 14, 2009)

Am finding things hard at the moment because of things that are going on for me
i have urges to hit people i don't know when am out of the house
in the house am fine with my husband and people i know but strangers
i get the urge to touch or hit them i don't understand why

because of this i am feeling suicidal and wanting to do serous harm to myself
i told my dr about this and she made me promise that i wouldn't do anything to harm myself but am feeling like i need to

i call a crisis number and they talked about distraction so that is what am doing is trying to keep busy but i am starting to feel like i need to do something 


Reaper


----------



## Jazzey (Nov 14, 2009)

*Re: things are hard*

Hi Reaper, 
I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.  I too have not had great success with crisis lines.  If you are seriously considering harming yourself  - do you have a local emergency room where you can go?  

I'll take this opportunity to welcome you to Psychlinks.

Also please take a look at the following resources:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/17824-befrienders-international-support.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/suicide/4972-suicide-crisis-resources.html


----------



## Retired (Nov 14, 2009)

*Re: things are hard*

Welcome to Psychlinks, Reaper.  It sounds like you are going through a difficult time at the moment.

Have you ever had the urge to touch or to hit strangers prior to this time?

Have you ever received therapy or counseling by a mental health provider or is this the first time you are experiencing these feelings?

We hope you can find the support and insights you are seeking here on Psychlinks.


----------



## Reaper (Nov 14, 2009)

its been going on for months  that i have been wanting to do it  but  nothing as bad as it is now   its draining trying to keep myself from doing anything to any one 

I did have a therapist for DBT  but i missed appointments and then i was taken off the  therapy  and if i try to go back there is a 2 year waiting list 
and i cant afford a private therapist 
i have been in the hospital  because of other mental health issues a few years back and i see a psychiatrist every 6 weeks  but i told her about all this the last time i saw her and she didn't do anything 

my husband keeps saying that i have control over this but i feel like i dont at all  

Reaper


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 15, 2009)

I am sorry your doctor is not taking in what is being said by you. Can you write out how you are feeling how this impulse feeling is getting worse and how it worries you.  Give it to the doctor next time you are in.  Maybe talking to your GP as well to get his/her opinion on what is going on.   Sometimes the written word can get through when talking can't   Take care


----------



## Andy (Nov 15, 2009)

I'm sorry your not doing very well Reaper. I was wondering if there was any way you could talk to your doctor about more frequent visits? Maybe every two weeks or something. That way maybe she can understand and help you better with how you you have been feeling. Six weeks is such a long time between visits. I mean it is ok for maintenance but if your not feeling stable, then maybe it would help. Just a thought.
Also I was wondering if you had put yourself on that 2 year waiting list for DBT? You may become well enough by then that you don't need it, but in the mean time it wouldn't hurt to put your name down and you can always do other therapies or whatever during the wait. If you get accepted and you don't think you need it, it's not like you have to go, they will just give the spot to someone else. 
I'm Canadian so i don't know the health system there but do they have it where you can pay for therapy on a sliding scale, according to your income? Maybe that is something you could check if it's available. 

I'm sorry if I missed this somewhere but do you take any medication? Or are you willing to? I only say "willing" because not everyone is into medication. 

In the mean time I hope you keep the links that Jazzey provided in mind. Not everyone gives the same advice so you could talk to someone that will give you the suggestions that work for you, until you can get in to see your dr. 

Be well Reaper(never thought I would say that):support:


----------



## Reaper (Nov 15, 2009)

yes am on meds  am on anti depressants and anti psychotics 

i can ask about seeing my psych every 2 weeks  but am also asked for a CPN  ( mental health nurse ) 
Reaper


----------



## Andy (Nov 16, 2009)

That's good Reaper. I hope your psychiatrist is open to the idea. I'm sorry, did you mean that you are asking to get a CPN? :support:


----------



## Reaper (Nov 16, 2009)

yes i asked to get a CPN  

today am seeing my dr again  unsure what she will do


----------



## unionmary (Nov 16, 2009)

hey reaper,,,,maybe you wanna admit yourself to hospital for a while, they can set you up on some medications or something.  Don't sound like something you wanna be dealing with alone?

By the way, welcome to the forum


----------



## Reaper (Nov 16, 2009)

I wish it was that easy but over here in Scotland the beds are there for the most serious of cases - they wouldn't see this as that serious.  I would have to do something really bad to myself before they would let me in because the way the NHS  is funded they only admit whose of at serious risk to others and themselves.

I spoke to my Dr today and she is going to call my psych about all this - maybe then she might do something to help me.

Reaper


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 16, 2009)

I hope you get the support you need and deserve. The mental health nurse is a great support at the least i hope your psych doctor sets this up take care. Let us know how it goes


----------



## Andy (Nov 16, 2009)

Reaper said:


> i wish it was that easy but over here in Scotland
> the bed are there for the most serious of cases  they wouldn't see this as that serious  id would have to do something really bad to myself before they would let me in
> 
> because the way the NHS  is funded they only admit whose of at serious risk to others and themselves
> ...



Well, that is really good news. Sometimes it is easier when another professional can help talk with your psychiatrist to get your needs met. 

As far as hospitals, it is not just as easy as admitting yourself here either. It is the same way being that only people who are at risk to themselves or others are to get a bed. 
Don't be doing anything silly to get admitted, I think that would just make things ten times worse and especially if you are already having trouble with getting people to listen to you. I'm not saying you would do that-I am just replying to your comment about having to do something really bad before they would admit you. 

Let us know how things go Reaper.:support: Until then we would all love to be here for you.


----------



## Reaper (Nov 17, 2009)

i will try and not do anything silly 
keep thinking of ways to end my life 
my husband wont leave me on my own  

i have to go out tomorrow am scared about going out but the appointment is really important so i have to go 
scared that id hit or hurt some one 

Reaper


----------



## unionmary (Nov 17, 2009)

Got a good friend you could call to go along with you?  Be nice to have some company, and support.  Maybe even a crisis organization could offer someone to escort you, its worth a try.

I feel for you.  Chin up, you can do this!:support:


----------



## Ferguson (Nov 17, 2009)

Hi,
I hear what you are saying. I have been to the point of all those things as well. I had to double check my medicine and my doctor actually thought I should be admitted until I was under control.  I think the thing that saved me was that I ended up in the hospital.  I got my medicine under control and therapy level balanced out. If you can go in the hospital to save yourself and possibly others around you. It's quite possible you will be glad you did. 
Hang In there!


----------



## Reaper (Nov 18, 2009)

my husband goes with me were ever i go he comes with me 

today i almost punched a lady  but i changed seats before i did it 

my husband keeps saying i have control over this  but i feel like i dont 
its a week until i see my psych i dont know if i can wait any longer 

Reaper


----------



## Ferguson (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi Reaper,
you can  call me Lynn. It sounds like you should not wait. Your husband knows you well and hopefully your condition. If it were me I would call and ask for a emergency meeting to see your doctor. I am worried for your safety and others.
Your fortunate  that your husband is able to go with you everywhere. 
Hang in there and make the call....I'm concerned for you.


----------



## Reaper (Nov 19, 2009)

i seen my normal dr today again  she said she tried to contact my Pdoc  but couldn't get a hold of her  because she is sick put she left a message for  her replacement   but hasn't herd anything from the replacement who am going to end seeing on next  Thursday so its some one  that dosnt know my case at all 

whats the point  feel so close to doing something bad  no point calling the crisis line they just tell me there sent messages to the Pdoc  am going to see next Thursday  

am so tired of fighting


----------



## unionmary (Nov 19, 2009)

One of the reasons I wrote "My Bipolar Story" article was for that very reason.  I live in a relatively small town and had trouble finding a psychiatric doc.

Saw many.  I would offer each new doc a copy of my story to establish my history.  Also serves as a personal time reference for me, helps me to keep things straight in my head. 

Maybe give it a try.


----------



## Reaper (Nov 26, 2009)

Well the appointment with the psych went ok
she wants me to change meds but need to talk to her boss about it first am getting a CPN 
she asked a lot of questions about what i do during the day
and how many hours i sleep i was told that 12 hours are to much sleep but it feel ok for me to sleep that much


----------



## forgetmenot (Nov 26, 2009)

I am glad your appointment went well and that maybe med change will happen as well. Your sleep pattern will probably change a bit once you are feeling better. Glad to hear things went well.


----------



## unionmary (Nov 27, 2009)

Yes Reaper!! glad to hear you are getting some help with things!   Must put your mind at ease a bit.  Did you like this new doc?

Gawd, I would feel like a zombie if i slept 12 hours, but I guess your body needs it right now.  It will work out.  

A CPN is?  something public nurse?

Be cool gal, hang in there!


----------

