# Pardon the Drama...



## Atlantean (Jan 5, 2012)

...But I just want to die.

  I am so fed up with everything and continually falling through the cracks of a worthless mental healthcare system.

  I have an appt tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. to see about resuming my (relatively high-dose) Thorazine, which I take for anxiety and severe insomnia.  I hate it, though.  And, I have Frontal Lobe Epilepsy, which it (Thorazine) greatly increases the frequency and intensity of my seizures.  Also, the frontal lobe is where the emotions are regulated, which I believe is another part of my problem.

 I have tried so hard to fix myself and my life.  I am a full-time student with a perfect 4.0 GPA getting my degrees in IT/Business/Psychology (x2).  I have also been in the process of starting an IT company here in town for about the last month.  I have to stay busy or in "pissed-off" mode, otherwise I just cant function.

 Everything in me just started to collapse on the first.  It started with extreme mental fatigue and exhaustion, then I seized on the 3rd and things have just been getting progressively worse.  Things have been exceptionally stressful for years, though most this all reached a fever-pitch the first week of October.  I was abducted and raped for 2.5 hours by three men in a white van, all because I was walking to the drugstore to pick up my prescriptions which I really just wanted to get away from my husband, who never should have even been there.  I had tried calling the police and having him removed, but, of course, they did nothing, even though he didnt even live there.  *..No one ever does anything.*  And yes, I did go to the hospital and was an inpatient for nine days after the attack.  Useless, as always.  ...One of my groups involved reading an article and summarizing it.  Mine was on how Texas no longer gives it's Death Row inmates a "last dinner."  ...Yeah, really helpful.

  I dont really want to kill myself, I just wish something would make me die.  I am just so tired.  I really would not care if someone killed me.  I think they would be doing me a favor and I would probably thank them.

  I know, there is probably more you could or should know, and I dont even know what I expect to get from making this post.  Im just totally worn out and exhausted.  I would have checked myself into UVA on the first, but I knew it would be futile, and I also had classes resuming on the 2nd.  Would have probably just left me feeling even worse, though. (I say that from experience).

-Starr


----------



## Daniel (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*



> the first week of October.  I was abducted and raped



That is, needless to say, extremely sad news.    Are you in therapy now, like going to a rape crisis counseling center?   Based on your post, it seems that you are not since it would "just left me feeling even worse"?


----------



## Atlantean (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

lol, why would I go to a rape crisis counseling center?  So they can tell me my feelings are "normal" and Im not the only one to feel this way?  LOL, I already know that.

...I actually *did* call one of the centers crisis lines, and over a week later, they did find the time to call me back.  And, they were as stupid and incompetent as I could have just assumed they were, in the first place.  It should also be known that I was familiar with their lackluster organizational skills, having tried to volunteer with this particular organization earlier, this year.

  UVA is University of Virginia Medical Center.  Some things they are phenomenal in, but their psych ward is desperately lacking.

-Starr


----------



## Daniel (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

What do you think would help you cope?    Did you like your last therapist?


----------



## Atlantean (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

No, I didnt like him.  He had this really annoying way of sitting through roughly half the sessions with his eyes closed.  Being an older fellow, I never knew if he was falling asleep or just reflecting.

  I dont know what would help.  If I knew what would help, I would be doing it and helping myself, not sitting here whining on a forum.

-Starr


----------



## Daniel (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

Do you have health insurance that pays for therapy?    If so, I would suggest taking advantage of that.  

In any case, I would suggest looking at PsychologyToday's therapist finder for a therapist with a lot of experience dealing with trauma.


----------



## Atlantean (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

Yes, I have insurance, the problem is finding a psychiatrist in my area that accepts it, as well as is accepting new patients.

  I dont mean to be a bitch and I dont know what kind of idiots you are used to talking to, but you have a profound talent for stating the obvious.

  I never should have wasted my time coming here.  I was hoping Dr. Baxter would be here. 

-Starr


----------



## Daniel (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*



> .  I was hoping Dr. Baxter would be here. .



He will probably be here sometime later today.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

Hang on, Starr. I'm at my office, just checking on the server status really, but I'll try to get back to you later.


----------



## Daniel (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*



> I have an appt tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. to see about resuming my  (relatively high-dose) Thorazine, which I take for *anxiety* and severe  insomnia.  I hate it, though.  And, I have Frontal Lobe *Epilepsy*, which it (Thorazine) greatly increases the frequency and intensity of my seizures.



I would mention Klonopin, but you probably already know it is prescribed for both anxiety and seizures, with the maximum dose being much higher for seizures.


----------



## Atlantean (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

Well, like I said, you have a profound talent for stating the obvious.  The failed high-dose Kolopin regime ended around five years ago. Ditto, Ativan,. Temazepam, Valium, Depakote, Tegretol et al..  I really would have been happy to try Luminal, as I hate taking meds and it actually was used for the triad of issues (Anxiety, insomnia, epilepsy).  

As a general rule, I prefer taking some of the older meds- even when they are known to cause problems- as, at least we know what they do and ten years from know I wont be calling a lawyer about some class-action law suit against the manufacturer for new side-effects that werent recognized until the (unofficial) Phase IV trials.  (Release to society).

 Im abandoning this thread, do with it what you will.

  -Starr


----------



## Daniel (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*



> The failed high-dose Kolopin regime ended around five years ago. Ditto, Ativan,. Temazepam, Valium,



They didn't seem to help much with your anxiety, either, from what you seem to be saying.

---------- Post added at 08:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:09 PM ----------

BTW:

http://www.sexualassaultresources.org/

http://womenscenter.virginia.edu/counseling.php

Emergencies and Crises, Elson Student Health Center, U.Va.
Staff, Elson Student Health Center, U.Va.


----------



## forgetmenot (Jan 5, 2012)

*Re: Pardon the Drama..*

Hi Starr i am sorry the system is failing you hun  dam eh    The thing is though hun i do hope there is someone you can reach out too   You cannot battle this alone  you have way to much on your shoulders now    
 You came here because you wanted to be heard  you wanted to release some of that frustration that anger  
  I am glad you are venting hun   and i want you to know you are being heard.   I don't know   Is there noone at the unversity you can reach out too  anyone there  that can help you Starr    I just hate thinking you would have to deal with this alone you need professional help to heal from such trauma


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jan 6, 2012)

And another version....


----------

