# Losing friends as you're getting better



## solitary man (Jan 15, 2008)

It's been almost 4 months since I've been on Celexa, and things have certainly been on the up and up for me.

I have noticed that things are much clearer, both in my life and my surroundings.

The one thing I have noticed that certain friendships have changed, one in particular.

About a year, when I started my new job, I met a really interesting fellow, who had a lot in common with me.  
We hit it off rather well and became the best of friends very quickly.

Last summer was probably one of the bests summers I've had in the longest time, if not, probably my whole life.

From the get go, I was upfront and totally honest about what I was going through, without ever feeling that I was being judged pitied.

I think what initially drew me to him was the fact that he has his own issues to work through, and we were able to give each other advice and support without ever asking for it.
With his help and countless hours of debating, mostly with myself, I found the courage to start taking the medication.

Now as I'm getting better, I find that he's becoming distant, and almost resentful of the fact that I'm getting better.

I've let him know that I'm still in his corner and have his back and whatever support he needs, I've got two strong shoulders for him to lean on.

Just before christmas, things got very stressed between us, and the more I tried to help, the more he pulled away.

I know it probably has nothing to do with me (hopefully) and I've reiterated, maybe too many times, what his friendship means to me.

I've given him his distance, but made sure to reiterate what his friendship means to me.

I've sent several messages via email and text, but so far nothing in response.

I guess my question is, at what point do you throw in the towel and move on?


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## begonia (Jan 17, 2008)

I think that it's always hard to really know what's going on with another person. But it sounds like you have tried your best to show that you still want to be friends. I think that is all that you can do. Maybe your friend will feel better at some time in the future and get in touch again.
All the best.


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## sunset (Jan 18, 2008)

Maybe by you getting stronger, he feels like he cant identify with you anymore, because he hasnt overcome what he is dealing with. I would just leave him be now, and maybe one day, when he is stronger, he will contact you.


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## solitary man (Jan 18, 2008)

sunset said:


> Maybe by you getting stronger, he feels like he cant identify with you anymore, because he hasnt overcome what he is dealing with. I would just leave him be now, and maybe one day, when he is stronger, he will contact you.



Thanks for the replies, Sunset, you're right on the money.

I spoken with my friend in the past about his issues, and without judging him, I suggested he should consider speaking with someone.

I'm not one to give advice very often, but I can recognize someone who's in need of help, after the issues I've experienced.

But at the same time, realize that everyone has to come to that conclusion on their own time.

I wish someone had guided or at least suggested that idea several years back, but knowing myself, I probably would not have listen.

Yes, I've let him know that I'm only a call away, but I've also accepted that whatever is troubling him, has nothing to do with something I've done.


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## lallieth (Jan 19, 2008)

I recently went through the same thing with a friend.It seems as I continue to grow and heal, she backs away,I think she simply can't handle the changes I am making,because it brings up her own insecurities and problems,which she doesnt want to deal with.

If she does choose to go her own way,so be it.


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## rebecca8 (Jan 19, 2008)

I've been the person backing out of friendships because the other person was healing. I'll try to give you some insight. I felt like we didn't have our common bond anymore. I felt like a failure, and scared that my friend would pass me right up on this journey, get happy, and forget about me. I felt alone again, and wondered how/why she could get better, and not me. I didn't want to bring her back down with me. In a way, I thought I should let her go on.....like I was saying......save yourself....I cannot be helped. So, I tried not to bother her by calling until I would feel so desparate to talk to someone. So, I'd write her an email. She called less and less, and finally one day told me that I always have such terrible news, and she doesn't know how to help me anymore. We're no longer friends because of this, but if there is one thing I could wish for, it would be that I had such a good, understanding friend who was strong enough not to take my depression personally, and when I tried to push her away because of pride or guilt, she would come back and be there no matter what. Solitary Man, you seem to be a great friend. Don't let him push you away. All I secretly wanted from my old friend was for her to call me regularly to say hi, maybe start a nice conversation, and with no pressure invite me out somewhere. (it helps so much to feel wanted) I didn't know how to ask for that. I kinda wonder if I even was suppose to have to ask. I remember in a heated argument with my friend I said, "I don't need you to fix me, I just need your friendship." When she was trying to help me, I really felt like she thought I didn't know how to manage my own life. Now, I see that was irrational thinking, but I'm sure you know, that when you're feeling this way, your mind gets so cloudy. Your friend is lost now, be his light in the dark, so he can find his own way out. That's what best friends are for.


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## solitary man (Jan 27, 2008)

Hey Rebecca8,

Thanks for your insight, it sure made a lot of sense.

I gave myself and my friend a bit of distance over the last few days, to see where things stood, and to avoid saying anything that I would have regretted.
I'm realizing when it comes to depression, you tend to view things from a "Me" perspective and quickly forget to take the feelings of other people into consideration.

I've done many times over the years, and it's only recently that I'm gaining a bit of clarity on the subject.

Once I took myself out of the equation, I realized that whatever my friend is going through has nothing to do with me.

Granted, I'm still disappointed that he's shutting down, but now can I see that I did the same things he's doing, at the height of my depression.

We had a good heart to heart talk last week and cleared the air.

I made sure to remind him that I'm in his corner and that if he ever need a shoulder to cry on, or a swift kick in the arse...I would be right there whenever he needed me.

I told him I'm not giving up on him and that I was going to be on him like white on rice!

And I also made sure to send him several links regarding Seasonal Affected Disorder, which hopefully will help him figure out what's wrong.

Reading the symptoms, it sounds like it could be this, but I'm not a doctor, I just see one weekly! 

I've also emailed him several contacts to the counselling firm that his company will cover.

It's free and I'm hoping he'll look into.


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## rebecca8 (Jan 30, 2008)

Wow, you're a really awesome friend. That's exactly what I'd hoped of from my old friend, but I'm trying to realize that I can't expect people who don't suffer from depression to know what the heck to do with me.
I hope he takes advantage of the counselor with his company. Not many people have that benefit, and some do, but don't know about it. Great idea!
What you said about seeing things from a ME perspective when you're depressed, that is so true, and your friend is lucky to have someone who understands that. My old friend just called me selfish. But, I've learned so much about friendship these past 2 years, and am trying my hardest to find friends like you. But, the strangest thing is, certain people seem to come into your life when you need them the most.


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## solitary man (Mar 12, 2008)

Well, I've tried being there for my friend, but at this point, I don't think I have the energy or the heart to hang in anymore.

Things have gotten rather odd with him lately, and each time I try to talk to him, I get very short, nasty responses.

If this someone else telling me their problems, I'd tell them move on.

I feel guilty for wanting to cut him out my life, but I think it's something I have to do, no matter how much it hurts.

In the past, I've always avoided opening myself up to anyone, because I see myself as someone who becomes "clingy", which is ironic, because people have said in the past they see me as the opposite.

I still have the highest regard for him, I consider him my brother from another mother, but I get the feeling, especially with the lack of communication, that something's changed on his part.

Man, who ever said relationships were easy?


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## Into The Light (Mar 12, 2008)

maybe you both need a little break from each other?

have you asked him about his behaviour? how he feels about the friendship?


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## solitary man (Mar 12, 2008)

The thing is we have taken a good break from each other over the last few months. The only time I speak to him is at work, which is about 2 times a week at best, but that's not the ideal place to really speak how I feel.

I have asked recently if he still considers me a friend, and he said yes, but to me actions speak louder than words.

The funny thing is, I was warned by several people, some who were his former close friends before, and was told that he has many issues, especially anger.

Ok, I'll be the first to admit, my record for friendships over the years hasn't been stellar either, as I'm very reluctant on letting people in.

On the other hand, I have to wonder if this karma coming back to bite in the proverbial arse.

I have been where he is, and treated former friends the same way, never fully understanding that they felt the very same things I'm feeling now.

A little bit older, a lot more wiser.


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## solitary man (Mar 17, 2008)

Well today will go down in infamy for me.  I realized today that my friendship with the person I thought was my best friend is officially over.

I got no explanation or reason why he ended it, and I think that's what hurts the most.

Funny thing, I was warned by several people, some who were his previous friends, that this is M.O., and to be careful, because he would do the same to me.

I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards in my fight with my depression, and I wonder if I'm going to recover from this one.

It figures. The one person I confided my struggles and thoughts, and for the first time in a long time, I let someone in.....he stabs me in the back.

I don't think I'll ever do that again.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 17, 2008)

I'm so sorry, solitary man.  That sounds very hard to go through.


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## Halo (Mar 17, 2008)

I am sorry that your friendship with this person has ended Solitary Man.

What I wonder though is why you think that you feel like you have taken a huge step backwards in your fight with your depression?  Were you feeling more depressed before your friendship ended or is it only since the friendship has ended that you feel more depressed?



> It figures. The one person I confided my struggles and thoughts, and for the first time in a long time, I let someone in.....he stabs me in the back.



Just because you took a chance and let someone in and became vulnerable and you were ultimately betrayed doesn't mean that it is going to happen again.  This was one person who obviously had different motives and values for your friendship but that does not mean that every friendship or relationship that you have is going to be like that.  You can't shut everyone out of your life for fear of getting burned and hurt again.  If you do, it will ultimately be a very lonely life.

I know that it hurts and you are probably feeling angry which is justified but don't cut everyone else off in your life that you have now or could have in the future.


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## Into The Light (Mar 18, 2008)

i am very sorry to hear this has happened and that you are hurting so much right now. your feelings that you will never trust someone else again are understandable. give yourself time to get over this pain but in time hopefully you'll be able to trust again. i know how hard it is to trust and how scary that is so i do understand your trepidation. is there someone you can talk to about your hurt, like a therapist?


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## solitary man (Mar 18, 2008)

Thanks for the replies.

Halo, I was starting to feel a little depressed before the friendship ended, but I still had hope that it would have been salvageable.

Maybe I hung onto the hope for too long, and ignored the signs that I see now.

I have an appointment with my therapist coming up on thurs.

At my last appointment I told him about the fact that my friendship was ending and I knew it was over.

I didn't realize until yesterday how much the friendship really meant to me.

Now I feel like I'm festering in my anger and want to lash out at my ex-friend.

The icing on the cake is, we both work in the same place, but we don't see each other very often.

I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me, but I know that would wasting my energy.

At least now I'll be able to see the wolves in sheep's clothing when it comes to friends.


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## Halo (Mar 18, 2008)

I am glad that you have an appointment with your therapist coming up.  Hopefully that will give you an opportunity to talk about what you are feeling, anger and all as well as your feelings of depression that are returning.

It must be difficult being that you both work in the same place but like you said at least you don't see each other that often which is good.

I hope you have a good session with your therapist and let us know how it goes.

Take care


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## lallieth (Mar 18, 2008)

Solitary 

As I began to get better,I saw more clearly certain people around me were very negative/judgemental and  emotional bloodsuckers.I choose not to have these people in my life and so I ended friendships.These people didn't enhance my life,as friends should,but rather drained me and that was detrimental to my own well being.

As you get better,you will see more clearly,who in your life is really there to support you and give you encouragement and those that just want to build their own egos at your emotional/mental expense.


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## solitary man (Mar 18, 2008)

Well I just received a message from my shrink, he'll be off this weekend early, so my appointment for Thursday is off.

I've be thinking a lot today, more than usual, and yes lallieth, I see your point of "bloodsuckers".

My ex-friend is definitely one of them. In the past I made sure not to upset him for fear of losing his friendship.

Man, those rose coloured glasses are so off!

Case in point, back in December I suffered an anaphylactic attack while at work.  I was not able to get hold of any of my family members on the phone, so my last resort was to call him at work.

Talking with him, he didn't seem too concerned that I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I wasn't doing very well.

Foolishly, I went to work the next day, and the first thing he said to me was "You're a f***ing idiot to come into work".  Later in the day, I told him that I was really disappointed in him for not checking up on me at the hospital and for his comment earlier in the morning.

Next thing I know, he gets angry at me for making him feel guilty, then yells at me saying "I'm too much work!"

I now wish I had the courage to say goobye back then.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## Into The Light (Mar 19, 2008)

that sounds horrible. i think it probably is better for you that the friendship is over, as painful as it is. for him not to care that you were rushed to the hospital says it all.

take care, solitary man.


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## solitary man (Mar 19, 2008)

Well life works sometimes in mysterious ways.

I woke up this morning to the song "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera, which was befitting how I was feeling.

I realized that all the hurt and pain I was feeling has been left in the past.

I guess I am getting better, before this would have dwelled on me for ages.

And to put the cherry on my ice cream sundae,  I got a promotion at work!

I'll be moving to another location, never having to see my ex-friend ever again!!!!!!

Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!

Although I must admit with the way I think, at first I thought I was being punished for all the drama, but my boss said that the company loves my good work and they want to keep me happy!

I also sent my ex-friend an apology email, because I had sent him a nasty, though rightfully, email, telling him exactly what I thought of him.

It felt good to send it, but later I realized, that being nasty is not my style.

If he accepts or not, that's his problem.

I wished him great love, peace and happiness for the future.


Another song that is quite befitting, which has been playing on mp3 player, and quite heavily, is Alanis Morissette's "Ironic", especially this verse:

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face".


Thanks for letting me vent.  May your good wishes be returned to you ten-fold.:dimples:


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## Into The Light (Mar 19, 2008)

congratulations on the promotion!! :goodjob:
and congratulations on not dwelling on this like you would have in the past. that is huge :yahoo:


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## Halo (Mar 19, 2008)

Congratulations on the promotion, Solitary Man :yahoo:


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## solitary man (Mar 26, 2008)

Well unfortunately, my attempt to extend the proverbial olive branch did not go over well.

I wasn't expecting it to, especially after the first email I sent.

I text message him the next day, again, profusely apologizing for my behaviour, but he replied that he couldn't be bothered anymore.

A few more words were said, and I now know that the friendship is over.

I will remember the good times, and I do feel bad for the way things ended, but I knew it was a long time coming.

I am hurt, but maybe not as much had the friendship ended quickly.

What connected us quickly was the fact that we both were in a very dark, and we found in each other a person to commiserate with.

Looking back, I realize that once I started feeling better, he started pulling away, which made me feel guilty for feeling better.

At the end of the day, it just left feeling exhausted and emotionally drained.

I know this is going to hurt for awhile, but a good friend reminded to not focus all my energy on the one person who hates, but to spend your energy on the people who love you.

Friday will be my last day that we'll ever cross paths.


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## Halo (Mar 26, 2008)

Solitary Man,

Losing anyone in your life hurts and it will take time to grieve the loss but as time passes the hurt becomes less and less.  You seem to already have acknowledged that the friendship was not the healthiest one for you and although that is a really great thing that you have done for yourself, it still doesn't take away the pain from the loss of the friendship.  Whether it was healthy or unhealthy, it is still a loss to be grieved.  I am sure it will help as well that you won't have to see him on a daily basis anymore either.

Take care


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## Auburn (Mar 27, 2008)

solitary man

I have read all of these postings, and I completely understand.  I am sorry that you have lost something that was once dear to you, but, I think it is necessary.  I too have come very close to losing friends while I was "getting better"  I think some of my friends liked it better when I was falling apart.  It finally came to a head, and I had to set them straight.  They didn't like it at all, but I couldn't and wouldn't worry about it.  They had to love me and accept the person I was and am, or they couldn't.  
You need to take care of you, and if that means that you have to leave some baggage behind, than you must.  I know that doesn't relieve the sadness you will feel, but just know that you are doing what is best for you.
Good luck in your new position.  Enjoy it and revel in yourself!


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## solitary man (Mar 27, 2008)

Thanks for the replies.

I do find myself, re-living the good times over and over in my head, which causes me to miss the friendship even more.

Every so often though, I remind myself to also remember the bad times, which out weigh the good times by a far mile.

I don't feel guilty for finally standing up for myself, and I'm grateful for the experience, both good and bad, no matter how bad it feels right now.

My only regret is some of the hurtful things I said out of anger, because I know it's something a person always remember, no matter how many years have passed.

And no amount of apologies will ever rectify the situation.


Note to self: re-read your posts before hitting "Submit"...my brain thinks faster than I type, and I end up missing words in my posts.:funny:


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## rebecca8 (Mar 28, 2008)

Hey Solitary Man,
I caught up on your posts. I can really identify with your experiences. You're a very strong soul. I think people who come into our lives for short periods of time, and we have intense connections with right away, those people are our master teachers. They teach us lessons quickly, and thoroughly, and we never forget. They are like medicine, and only needed for a short time, or they become poisonous to us. Maybe, he came into your life to teach you to open up your heart. Someone who hurt me very much taught me to open my heart, even though he broke it. I'll never forget him, but I also am so much stronger for it. It's like he prepared me for something greater. Anyway, with my ex-best friend, we both said some things out of anger that we regretted. It's been over a year, and I really can't remember a thing she said to me, nor what I said to her. Don't worry so much about that, people do forget the details. I know exactly what you mean though, you don't want to be the type of person who says nasty things. I felt like that at first, but then thought that it was an act of self love to stand up for myself. And you know that saying......when you love yourself......Be proud of yourself Solitary Man, relationships are hard! The right ones are so worth it.


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## ladylore (Mar 28, 2008)

rebecca8 said:


> Hey Solitary Man,
> I caught up on your posts. I can really identify with your experiences. You're a very strong soul. I think people who come into our lives for short periods of time, and we have intense connections with right away, those people are our master teachers. They teach us lessons quickly, and thoroughly, and we never forget. They are like medicine, and only needed for a short time, or they become poisonous to us. Maybe, he came into your life to teach you to open up your heart.



I love your outlook Rebecca and I agree with this perspective. :agree:


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## solitary man (Mar 28, 2008)

Hey Rebecca, 

Thanks for the great words of wisdom.

I too believe that people come into our lives to teach lessons about ourselves, and I even mentioned that to my ex-friend several times.

I even thanked him in person and in writing for helping me on my journey on becoming a better man.

Looking back, I realize the person that I use to be was very closed off, and always avoided getting too close to people.

I was closer to him than I am with my own family.

You're right on the money when you speak of medicine becoming poisonous. 

It's like having too much candy, after awhile you're left with nothing but a stomach ache and more junk in your trunk.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want to save a relationship, you just have to let go when it becomes emotionally draining.

I had mentioned to a co-worker that I'm feeling sad remembering the good times my ex-friend and I had last summer, and he mentioned that I should just forget them.

I want to honour the fact that I did have fun, probably one my best summers in a long time, and I want to remember my ex-friend the way he was last year, and not how bitter and angry he came when everything ended.

Plus, now that he's dead to me....well, you know what they say about the dead.

Don't speak badly about the dead, for they'll come back to haunt you in your dreams.


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## rebecca8 (Mar 29, 2008)

You know what else I noticed that's kinda freaky? Certain people that we meet, and feel that connection to seem to be mirror images of ourselves in many ways. It's like we subconsciously attract and are attracted to those that possess the attributes within ourselves that we'd like to change or even enhance the most. We can't really see our character features like we can see our physical features in an actual mirror. Other people are our mirrors. The guy that broke my heart was the male version of me, and I became confused and thought that we should be together because of that. Now, I'm starting to realize how he helped me to see what needed attention so I could change for the better. Of course, I often miss the good times with either him or my ex-friend, but I think that might be because I haven't created new good times yet. It's really hard, and takes awhile I guess. 
Hehe, junk in your trunk.........could you also be referring to emotional baggage? Time for some Spring cleaning!


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## solitary man (Mar 29, 2008)

That's right!

It's time to clear away the cobwebs of yesteryear and crack the windows to let some fresh air in!


Not to mention, get rid of all this freakin' snow already!!!!

Oy vey!!


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## ladylore (Mar 29, 2008)

solitary man said:


> That's right!
> 
> It's time to clear away the cobwebs of yesteryear and crack the windows to let some fresh air in!
> 
> ...



I'm with you on that one Solitary Man!!


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## solitary man (Mar 29, 2008)

Hey Rebecca,

I was thinking of your post all day.

You're right about finding your mirror image in some else.

I know that's why I connected with him so quickly and so deeply.

We were both had jobs that we depised greatly, plus had issues with things that we carried since our youth.

After I made the decision to take the meds, plus quit my truly awful job ( one the greatest days of my life!), that's when everything started going downhill.

I realized today, as I was walking home, I really feel great!

Had I known earlier by letting go of a toxic relationship would have made me feel this good, I would have done sooner.

I still kick myself for some of the things I said out of hurt and anger, but I did wish him love, peace and great happiness, which I hope he finds.

I'm just no longer drinking his brand of kool-aid anymore!


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## solitary man (Apr 9, 2008)

Despite finally realizing that this friendship was not good for me, and even though it's been a few weeks since the friendship ended, the things I said out of anger and hurt are dwelling on my conscience.

I've been debating with myself on whether or not to send him a card with an apology for the things I said.

I know it won't repair the friendship, and I wouldn't go back to it even I could, but I do feel bad.

I know for a fact it may never get further than the garbage can, but it's something my gut is telling me to do.


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## Into The Light (Apr 9, 2008)

maybe you can write out the apology and what you would like to say. then sleep on it for a few days and see what you think then, if it still feels right or not. if so, then do it.


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## Halo (Apr 9, 2008)

ITL has a great idea.  Sometimes writing out what you need to say to someone but never sending them the letter is helpful enough.  I would definitely try it and see if it works.

Good luck and let us know how it goes :goodluck:


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## solitary man (Apr 10, 2008)

That sounds like a plan.  The words have been rattling around in my head for the past while, so I need put them down on paper, to hopefully give me some kind of peace.

I've been seeing my doctor for almost 2 years now, and today was the first time I actually cried.

It's not something I'm use to doing, even alone, but I couldn't keep the water works from flowing.
I've tried to live by the British Motto: Stiff Upper Lip.


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## rebecca8 (Apr 11, 2008)

I agree with the suggestions above. Oh man, do I wish I didn't ACTUALLY send my letter of apology. It was like I was admitting that I had no right to say or behave the way that I did. Everybody gets angry, why do some others feel that they are not entitled to express it outwardly? I never received any response from those that I've apologized to, it seemed that I just bruised their egos, and they didn't fully understand my reasons for being upset. All I was doing in my situations was standing up for myself, so if that's what you were doing, then you really don't have to apologize for that. Maybe you are having a reaction to your new found self love? Perhaps in the past, you focused your anger inward, and now it just feels weird that you expressed it directly to someone else. I know that feeling of guilt. I thought apologizing would get rid of it, but it just made me feel worse because I took back my anger, and kept it inside for way longer than I should have. I don't know what you said to your friend, but sometimes people need to be told the cold hard truth. Once I told this guy that I realized he was truly a liar, a drunk, and a big coward. I felt sooooooooo stupid afterwards, and I thought how could I be so mean. I think partly because of my meanness though, he decided to move back home out of the city because he wanted to go back to school, and he thought he really was drinking and partying too much. So maybe my nastiness did him some good. It did me some good too for many reasons  I won't go into. Well, I hope I didn't bore you with my story, and I hope that you can work through your feelings. If you really want to send the letter, make sure you do it for the right reasons. In all honesty, I think I did it because it's scary to let go, I feel like I'll be a lone wolf forever. But, I keep trying to remind myself that these people no longer serve a purpose in my life anymore. Also, sometimes what you perceive as mean is really not all that bad. Losing a friend warrants a grieving period too. Give yourself some time for that. If you feel bad for your friend because you worry that he has no one else, he will be fine, he found you didn't he?


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## solitary man (Apr 11, 2008)

Hey Rebecca,

Thanks for your post.

I do regret what I said, only because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of hateful words, and I've always vowed never to treat anyone, no matter how deserving they are, the same way.

I know my apology probably won't go over well, but I'm doing it for me, to give myself peace of mind.

There is a small part of me that hopes that my card will be the proverbial olive branch, but I won't be such a pushover the next time.

I'm more worried for myself, that'll I'll never find a friend again, and you think it would be easier as we get older.

I am grateful, in a strange way for everything that has happened.

I can see how far I've come, but also realize that I have many more things to overcome.

And if he hates me, well take a number and wait your turn.


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## adaptive1 (Apr 12, 2008)

You know, I have had a situation where a friendship was dead and I tried to prolong it by sending e-mails and gifts and doing favours for the person even when I knew in my heart they cared nothing for me. I know your situation isnt the same thing but I found it was such a blow to my self esteem that I kept beating this dead relationship for reasons that I dont even understand to this day. I guess no one likes to feel like they failed or be rejected but as soon as I went cold turkey off the guy I was trying to make like me, my life got better and I stopped worrying about it. Now I have people in my life that care about me, it isn't worth spending time on ones that don't. My thoughts are to not send any more e-mails or messages, let it go and focus on building new relationships. There are so many e-mails I wish I didnt send, I think I probably just made him think even less of me by sending them, not that I care what he thinks but it made me think less of myself if that makes sense.


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## Misha (Apr 13, 2008)

I find I have no friends left.  It is just so hard for people to deal with the types of crises I go through.  Even now as I get healthy there are so many other "sick" people in my life that I have forgotten how to relate to healthy ones.  I'm scared I'll never get that back.


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## ladylore (Apr 13, 2008)

Misha - you do beautifully on this board. We may go through some difficult time, sometimes very difficult but we are healthy. Just a bit of a different perspective. That means that you are basically healthy yourself. 

I do know what you mean. I know many people but I only a couple of friends (3D) and that in and of itself can be hard to maintain. 

Again - you connect very well with the people on here.


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## Misha (Apr 13, 2008)

Thank you ladylore....
It's interesting, though, the difference between our online relationships and our 3D ones.  I think if I could type my way through life I'd do fine in the real world too....


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## Halo (Apr 13, 2008)

Misha said:


> I think if I could type my way through life I'd do fine in the real world too....



I think that many of us could say the same thing


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## solitary man (Apr 20, 2008)

Well I finally wrote the letter that had been rattling around in my head. It felt good to put those thoughts onto paper and I must admit I felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I waited on sending the letter for about a week, not fully sure if I should have sent it.

When I finally dropped it off into the mail box, I realized that it didn't matter if my ex friend responded or not.

I wish him well.


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## solitary man (Aug 11, 2008)

Well I never did hear back from my ex-friend, but just last week I ran into him. 

I was getting on the train and saw him getting off the same train a few door down.

At first, I thought I shouldn't go out of my way to say hi, considering the falling out we had.

I decided that if I didn't make the attempt, the "what if" would be left unanswered for the rest of my life, so I got off the train and when up to him to say hi.

He said hi, which surprised me, and I asked him if we could talk.

He said no, and walked away.

Yes, I still miss the friendship we had, and I don't hold any ill feelings towards him.

Life's much too short to hold grudges and I would love to be able to talk again with him.

But he has his own issues to deal with, and I think I could have ended up to be just like him, if I didn't find the courage to make the necessary changes in my life.

I think of all the arguments I've had over the years with family and we always go back to being family after we've had the chance to cool down.

Am I a glutton for punishment? I can barely the argument we had, but I can recall the great times we had together and had really thought that we would have been friends for life.


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## Daniel (Aug 11, 2008)

> I think of all the arguments I've had over the years with family and we always go back to being family after we've had the chance to cool do



Reminds me of the phrase "Friends come and go, but family is forever."  Of course, there are people who are better off avoiding some family members, but I digress..


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## solitary man (Aug 11, 2008)

solitary man said:


> Am I a glutton for punishment? I can barely the argument we had, but I can recall the great times we had together and had really thought that we would have been friends for life.



That should read " I can barely remember".

If only I could type as fast as I think.:dimples:


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## rebecca8 (Aug 15, 2008)

Hey solitary man, that's rough. I keep wondering if I'll ever run into my ex-best friend, and what she might say to me. I, too, can't even remember our last argument. I'm sorry to hear that he has held a grudge. You probably know this, but him holding onto those feelings is more poisonous to himself than to you. If he's lucky, he'll realize that someday. 
Today, is my ex-friends B-Day. Last year, I sent her a card, no reply. I'm trying to resist contacting her today. I don't think I want any punishment right now.


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## tjgrahamcracker (Aug 21, 2008)

I read through a bit of the posts on this thread but I couldn't finish because of a relationship you called up from my past.  I used to believe that there was something wrong with getting angry, but after a very powerful(word i settled on) series of events I came to see that anger is nothing to be ashamed of.  In my case I had very intense feelings for a girl and then she completely destroyed my innocence with her bad intentions.  I tried to cut it off with her several times....  But every time I would just apologize and given time we would be back into the exact same destructive cycle...  After almost 5 years I finally came to realize that some of my most major personal problems started(and ended) with that relationship.  I don't feel safe having a personal relationship with her because of the pain I know it _always_ leads to and I am very angry about a lot of things.  She always tries to come back acting like something has changed but I've given her too many chances to change.  Why should I risk my own well-being for her?  Life without her has been absolutely great these last 6 months that I've avoided her and I've realized that I don't need her to be me... Cutting off that relationship was doing what's best for me, I know that now.  I've been doing a lot of things for my well being lately and I'm finally starting to have some positive feelings about myself and my self worth.  It's a long long road though to get where I want...  But I'm finally feeling like I am making headway now that I've cut these toxic people out of my life.

I used to feel so ashamed about being angry...  But if you can figure out what you're angry about you'll see that it is something to be upset about...  I tell you that but I still haven't completetly convinced myself yet...  It's a work in progress like i said...  In the ideal world you can approach issues calmly and get through them...  In this world, sometimes I get angry and it's okay.  I'll get through it.  I might cry afterwards but I have to speak my piece, and I can't lie about how I feel about something.  That's all I got.  Don't know if you can take anything from it but maybe to just think about whether it's okay or not to be: irritated(like I am at this lady behind me) and angry.

As a little side note, I've been told that anger is just a mask put over the true emotions underneath... In my experience this is often true.  Sometimes I get angry about something and it just falls away to tears.  Like when I'm angry at a family member but I love them so much and it just doesn't feel right.  I guess I'm trying to be more honest with myself...  I won't say this is always the case though because there are many things I feel very angry about and only time is going to heal them.  Or maybe I'll just always be a little resentful, but when it comes to getting past fierce emotions, you can't just apologize them away.  That much I know.  If I get really angry, then there is _definitely_ something to be upset about.

Well, apologies are in order at times of course.  And I've been very ME centered in this posting...  But really my 2 cents is that anger is okay.  I don't tell anybody else what emotions to feel, and they can't tell me what to feel.  That's about it.


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## solitary man (Aug 21, 2008)

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Benjamin Disraeli

Hi TJ,

I too use to feel guilty for feeling angry, and would go out my way to make sure I never showed it. I'm also very afraid of letting my anger go, because I fear that I may hurt myself or someone around me.

And I'm still trying to deal with the issue in my sessions.

I know I also internalize any anger that people may have, even though it's not directed at me.

I have to realize that I don't have to take ownership of anyone else's feelings of my own.

Yes, it's a little egocentric of me to think that I'm the reason for everyone's problems, but it's a very slow and hard process to break that way of thinking.

I think the main reason why my ex-friend and I became such good friends in the first place is the same reason our friendship ended.

We both saw ourselves in each other, both good and bad.

And having been diagnosed with having a Schizoid Personality disorder, making friends, especially very close ones, is not easy for me.

I've told people that I have a great wall around my heart, and now I've added a moat, and in the moat are some very angry sharks!


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## solitary man (Nov 10, 2008)

I'd like to know what is it about the human condition that makes us miss the things that are bad for us.

It's been almost 5 months since I ran into my ex-friend, things are going good, then out of the blue, the feelings of melancholy hit me like a brick wall.

I was over at a friend's place helping him with computer, and he logged into his Facebook account.

Of course, against my better judgement I had him check to see if my ex-friend had an account.

We found it, and all the feelings of regret came back.

I can look back at the friendship from a different perspective now, and realize I'm no longer that person anymore.

Had I met him today, I probably would not have become friends with him, but the feelings are still there.

I've tried examing the feelings, I've tried blocking out the feelings, but they still come and go.


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## Sparrow (Nov 10, 2008)

Hi Solitary Man



> I'd like to know what is it about the human condition that makes us miss the things that are bad for us.



Really good question SM, reminds me of the nature of human reality and I don't pretend to know all the answers.

Have you ever heard the saying "Idleness is the mother of all vices"? I'm not implying anything to you and do not know your situation at all. Just maybe food for thought to you.

Also, your post today made me go back and read about your original friends post month's ago in Jan. or so. I'm probably certifiably wacko :crazy: but your friend (he/she/whatever) stuck me as an... angel. One that came and went. If you know what I mean.

Stay well.


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## solitary man (Nov 10, 2008)

No Sparrow, I don't think you're crazy.

I am firm believer that people come in and out of lives to teach us the lessons we need to learn.

As for my ex-friend being an angel....hmmmm....no.

More like a haunting from the Ghost of Christmas Future, or at least the Ghost of what could have been.

Had I not gotten the help I so desperately needed, I would have ended up like him...full of self pity and cowardly for not accepting responsibility for my own unhappiness.

I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for the things I said out of anger, and I'm also angry at him for casting aside our friendship when we hit a rough patch.

I guess sometimes with age, maturity is not a guarrantee.

There are days I wish I could be like Dorian Grey...no remorse or regret for you actions.

Granted, there's that thing with that pesky portrait.


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## Sparrow (Nov 11, 2008)

Hey Solitary Man,
Keep the spirit...and maybe ditch the ghost, they rattle too much.
Gee :think:... that sure sounds like my scenario.


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## solitary man (Nov 16, 2008)

His birthday is coming up this Wednesday, and a part of me wants to at least phone him to say Happy Birthday.

The other part is telling me not to bother, as he probably wouldn't even take my call, or erase my message on his voice mail.


Why do I have this great need to be liked by someone who doesn't give 2 cents about me?


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## Jazzey (Nov 16, 2008)

Hi solitary man.  I viewed your post earlier and wanted to tell you I could understand.  Unfortunately, I'm in no position to provide advice of any assistance - I too seek people who I know aren't good for me.  I think that I would link this to a type of co-dependence.  By the by, this is really new knowledge for me -  a few months ago, I thought my behaviours were normal.  So you see, I guess I shouldn't provide you with advice. But, I wanted to tell you that I could relate and that you were in my thoughts.

Take care,


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## solitary man (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks Jazzey.

It's so easy to give advice to other people in a similar situation, but we fail to follow the same advice in our lives.

I feel like I have 2 different people residing in my head, one who wants everyone to like him at all costs, and the other person who sees people for who they really are, and prefers to be alone.

Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster that never ends.

I just want to get off the damn ride already!:funny:


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## Jazzey (Nov 17, 2008)

Wow - Solitary man, I think you may be in very good company!  I can relate to everything that you have expressed.  I so want to present this strong front that isn't concerned about what others believe and yet, I constantly do the opposite.  I'm forever being exploited (financially / emotionally etc..) by a variety of people in my life because I think on some level I'm seeking their approval.  The worst is that I'm not convinced I'm getting their approval - I think they may actually see a bit of an idiot in me for falling prey to the same traps over and over again.  So, I understand the roller coaster ride too well...Let's both get off that ride!!


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## solitary man (Nov 19, 2008)

Well I sent my ex-friend a text message, wishing him happy birthday.

I wished him well, and kept it short.

What I really wanted to say was I hope life gives him everything he deserves, like getting attacked by a dozen pink chihuahuas, but I chose to be gentleman.:jiggy:

He should thank his lucky stars I'm not a vindictive person.

With the dossier I kept on him...as Borat would say:

I could crush him!

Karma will come back to find him...and I hope to be there in the front row with popcorn!

I now see he's nothing more than a Jerry Springer loser.

Am I bitter....yeah, but also a thousand times smarter for it. 

Feel the hate, embrace it, then let it go.


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## solitary man (Feb 3, 2009)

Well life can sometime be so absurd, that all you can do is laugh.LOL

My work has given me the previous store where I made good friends with my now ex-friend.

Today was my first day back, and I think the whole store was peeved with my return, or at least it seemed that way.

Maybe it was my good mood and the fact that I was smiling everywhere I went, which set them off.

Then again, there's a dark cloud hanging over this store that anyone who aren't as miserable as they are unwelcomed.

I did come across my ex-friend, as I was coming back from lunch.

If looks could kill, I'd be dead. LOL

Instead of saying something nasty or giving him the evil eye, all I could do was laugh.

I hadn't realized how much I've grown over the last while, and how happy I really am.

At first I was going to be asked to be removed from this location, but now I've decided that I'll stay on with this account, keep to myself, do my job well and hold my head up high.:jiggy:


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## Jazzey (Feb 3, 2009)

Good for you SM :goodjob:! I think this is great news.


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## tjgrahamcracker (Feb 4, 2009)

That's great!


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## solitary man (Mar 27, 2009)

Just when I thought life couldn't get more funny....

After working for the last two months at the store where my ex friend works, I received a call from the company that I work for, with the good, no, make that *great news*, that I will no longer have to service this location as of next month.  

Woohoo.

It was a good experience going back to the store, because I can see how much I've grown and accomplished over the last year.

As I was leaving the store, I came across my ex-friend, and for a quick second, thought that I should have at least say how's it going.

I chose not to, as I finally realized that the hope that I held onto that we could be friends again will never materialize.

As I made way onto the subway platform, I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in 10 years!

She was always in the back of my mind, but we had lost contact over the years.

It was like no time had passed.

When one door closes, another one opens!


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## Into The Light (Mar 28, 2009)

solitary man that is wonderful news :yahoo: i am very happy for you. it sounds like you are now able to move on from your friend and even better, you have connected with an old friend :yahoo: your life really has improved :goodjob:


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 28, 2009)

> When one door closes, another one opens!



I have found this to be true repeatedly in my life... worth remembering!


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## Yuray (Mar 28, 2009)

This is a wonderful post. It chronicles despair, guilt, acceptance, reconciliation, and ultimatley, peace.

 From Jan. 15 2008, until today, your progress in dealing with this matter is self evident, and positive. It's like a fairy tale, happy ending and all........

I don't know whether it's your character to deal with these life changing situations in such a well managed way, or not, but its a testament that it can be done by anyone.

Now, you made mention of my therapist, and it was in a negative sense. I take offence somewhat to your remark. I don't know if I can remain on friendly terms with you.

Jerry Springer!.  lol   He is my therapist. I use him, and his show, as a barometer to measure my own success. When I see the guests on his show, I am made aware that my life has meaning, and I am relevant

(Springers guests are people as well, with their own issues)


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## Retired (Mar 28, 2009)

> Jerry Springer!. lol He is my therapist





> I use him, and his show, as a barometer to measure my own success



You must be very, very successful


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 28, 2009)

> Jerry Springer!. lol He is my therapist





> I use him, and his show, as a barometer to measure my own success





TSOW said:


> You must be very, very successful



Or have wayyy too much time on your hands and not enough television channels from which to select something to watch... You would have to tie me down and scotch tape my eyelids open to get me to ever watch Jerry Springer...


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## Yuray (Mar 28, 2009)

TSOW said:


> You must be very, very successful



Yes I am....and I might add, its very lonely up here!  lol

(actually I don't have cable or satellite service, just rabbit ears. didn't even know Springer was still on) (thats my excuse and I'm stickin' to it!)


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## white page (Mar 28, 2009)

Who is Jerry Springer please ?


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## Daniel (Mar 28, 2009)

Are you serious? 

Jerry Springer - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Jerry Springer Show - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
jerry springer - Google Search


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## NicNak (Mar 28, 2009)

white page said:


> Who is Jerry Springer please ?



In my opinion White Page.  You have not missed much not knowing who Jerry Springer is.  Infact, you may be blessed to not know....:hide:


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## Yuray (Mar 28, 2009)

white page said:


> Who is Jerry Springer please ?



.......Hmmmmm, I'm leavin' that one for someone more qualified to respond to......from a psychological position of course!

Ladies and Gentlemen
I present you......
Dr. David Baxter...

"Dr Baxter, could you tell us who Jerry Springer is?"

"Why yes Yuray, I would be pleased to tell you....Jerry Springer requires taped open eyelids to view, as he is such an annoying person".

"Thank you for sharing that insight with us Dr.Baxter".

"My pleasure Yuray, and I would like to add, we do appreciate your tongue in cheek slant on life in these forums"

" Aww  shucks Dr. Baxter"


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## suewatters1 (Mar 28, 2009)

WP have you ever watch Americas Got Talent on TV? It's an American show.  He is the host of that show but also he has his own Talk Show which features some trashy people making fools of themselves, when there isn't a riot.

Sue


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## white page (Mar 28, 2009)

At times it is an advantage being an european, it seems !


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## Jazzey (Mar 28, 2009)

..This thread has offered me a good lighthearted laugh tonight - thanks everyone. 

And Yuray - your dialogue was priceless!


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## solitary man (Mar 28, 2009)

Believe me, it wasn't easy, I still wish the best for him and hope that he finds some kind of happiness in his life.

Maybe I should have taken him onto the Jerry Springer show to air out our grievences...granted there would have had to have been a third party involved.:juggle:

I could have taken him onto the Maury Povich show...but he only does shows with Paternity issues.

And I ain't no baby daddy! :dance2:


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## Jazzey (Mar 28, 2009)

:lol:  I'm so happy to see you doing so well Solitary Man...  It trully brings a smile to my face. 

And yes, I'm also happy that you didn't bring him on the Maury Povich show...


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## arlene (Mar 29, 2009)

Its been so many years now since the last time I saw my friends. Once in a while we texted each other. I don't even remember when was the last time I saw my friends. But even though their no longer part of my daily routine (i mean chatting each other everyday) I would say I'm still happy with my life.


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## solitary man (Mar 30, 2009)

I was watching "Smallville" the other night, and one of the characters had a line that really hit home for me.

"You can never be who you want to be, if you're always looking over shoulder at what could have been."


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## drmoe (Apr 8, 2009)

Solitary man,
What you're going through is called grief and loss.  You're suffering the same sadness and sense of loss that all grieving individuals go through. You cannot sacrifice your growth fro anyone else. Whenever an alcoholic gets sober she has to find new friends. It's true with any of life's changes. Be proud of what you're doing for yourself.  Your buddy is watching.  There's nothing you're doing that he can't do for himself.


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## solitary man (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks for that Dr. Moe.

I know in the past I was feeling guilty for grieving over the loss my friendship.

So instead of acknowledging the way I felt, I blamed myself for the way things turned out.

Plus it didn't help that I brought the situation into my sessions with my shrink, which he called me on a few times.


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## Auburn (May 22, 2009)

Hi solitary man.  It has been awhile since I was in, but I had to check up on your posting to see how you were doing.  I do understand the grief of losing friends, but, I also understand that you are doing what is right for you.  I am glad to know that you are accepting of the loss, but I know it isn't easy.  

I had to do the very same thing, and I have several friends that I keep at bay simply because they choose not to accept me as I am now.  Given what I have been through, I think I am doing very good, and I plan on keeping it that way. 

So, good for you and take care of you.   This forum is always here to offer that support that we all need sometimes.   I am thinking of you!


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## solitary man (May 29, 2009)

Hello Auburn,

Life is really good...no make that GREAT!

With the help of my new psychotherapist, and I guess time, I'm pretty much over the loss of my friendship.

Yes, I still have the occasional ghost feeling, but it no longer holds the power it once had.

I don't know, maybe after I turned 40 last month, and the fact that I'm surrounding myself with people of better character,  I feel so much better about myself.

To be honest, I wish my ex-friend no ill will.

I've even run into several of his friends in passing, and always ask if he's still grumpy.

They usually don't give a response, but none is really needed as the look on their faces reveals all.

I know a part of me would still like to be friends again, if the situation ever presented itself, but I'm no longer spending my time hoping for it.

I wish him nothing but the best for the future, and I truly hope one day he finds the courage to change his life.


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## forgetmenot (May 30, 2009)

I am glad you have a new T solitary man and that you are able to move pass the loss of your friend.  New friends new outlook good for you


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