# Not sure



## nerd (Jun 18, 2010)

I've been battling depression for the last 10 years. It also comes as no surprise that I'm a mess by now. When I was 12, I saw a suicide counselor because I had begun admitting to my family that I didn't want to live. From the age of 12 to 17, I was seeing a school counselor as much as I could. Sometimes 3-4 days a week. When I was 18, I stopped seeing the counselor. My moods became worse and when I was 19, I was diagnosed at the Hospital (psychiatric wing). Depressive Personality Disorder. I still feel like the doctor didn't care, and wasn't thorough. When I looked it up later, I found that DPD is not an actual disorder. It's still being talked about between doctors. That made me feel like... even when I'm crazy I don't fit in. (Not saying people who deal with this are crazy, but i myself... i do feel crazy sometimes.) Where do I fit?

So I haven't sought help since I was 18 and I'm now 22. I just don't know if this is depression or if I'm just... weird. I don't know. Everyone around me just blames it on me being lazy, irresponsible, and a hermit. Really, I have no energy to go do anything. When I do, my mind stops me and I can't figure out why. I lost all my friends cause I kept flaking on plans cause I just couldn't do it anymore. I just have a hard time leaving the house. When I do, I'm a big ball of anxiety. Lately it feels like my depression "episodes", or whatever you want to call them.. they get closer and closer and worse and worse. When I'm in them, it's like quick sand. I can't get out and I can almost feel myself losing my sanity. The rational smart part of my brain just goes out the door and it's getting harder to get out of it. I used to pride myself on being smart and not letting myself think those thoughts. But the more I have these things, these moods, the more I just don't want to exist anymore. 

I'm surrounded by people who write off my thoughts and feelings. And I feel like no doctor has ever really cared to help me figure this out. Because I really honestly don't know what's wrong with me.


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## Daniel (Jun 18, 2010)

*Re: Not sure.*

Welcome! 



> When I looked it up later, I found that DPD is not an actual disorder.  It's still being talked about between doctors.





> I just don't know if this is depression or if I'm just... weird.


I am not a fan of personality disorder labels, anyway.  And when it comes to depression, most depression is undertreated.  Unless you are seeing a therapist regularly, you are being undertreated, IMHO.   And what happens is that as people stay depressed, they start living lives that truly are depressing due to avoidance:



> If most people lived your lifestyle, would they become at least sad or  lonely? Personally, even though I have had depression for over 13 years  now, I think a large portion of my distress from depression is pretty  much due to secondary factors of depression and anxiety, mostly  avoidance behaviors.
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/dysthymia/15766-how-to-cope-with-chronic-depression.html


So, with the withdrawn social life of depression or anxiety, for example, it's more likely that avoidance tendencies as a coping mechanism or as a symptom is at play, rather than something inherent and unchangeable in one's personality.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 18, 2010)

I agree with Daniel: It sounds to me like you are describing symptoms of both depression and anxiety. Start by going to your family doctor if you have one and describe the symptoms as you have here. In all likelihood the doctor will get you started on some medication. But ask for a referral to or recommendation to a therapist, preferably a psychologist who will help you with cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).


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## nerd (Jun 19, 2010)

I'm kinda scared of the idea of medication. That's why for so many years I've just tried to find ways to cope with it or handle it. It's just feeling lately like it doesn't matter what I do... I can't control it. Kinda lost track of my coping mechanisms.


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## Daniel (Jun 19, 2010)

> I'm kinda scared of the idea of medication.


In the long run, what do you have to lose by trying?  You can always stop if you wish or change to another med.



> It's just feeling lately like it doesn't matter what I do... I can't  control it.


Maybe you have been trying too hard, like trying to do it all on your own. Also:


> While control  works for us in so many situations, when it comes to controlling our                   feelings, control seems to have the opposite of the  desired effect.  This is especially                  evident when you  try to control or get rid of your anxiety...
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anxiety-and-stress/20576-the-worry-trap.html#post154345


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## nerd (Jun 19, 2010)

Thank you guys for being so helpful and for all the advice. I will probably follow through and make an appointment with my doctor. I guess part of why I don't go is cause I also don't want anyone to confirm that I'm crazy. That's how it often feels and I just want to be normal.


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## Andy (Jun 19, 2010)

That's great that you are going to go see your doctor. Having mental health issues does not make you crazy. Plus it would be better to get down to the bottom of what's going on, rather than waiting around for it to possibly become worse. Getting to the bottom of this is going to get you back on your way to feeling "normal". 
Do you see a therapist at all now?


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## Retired (Jun 19, 2010)

> I'm kinda scared of the idea of medication



No one likes the idea of losing control and that some external influence is needed to regain control......however, consider that we are fortunate to be living in an age when medical science  provides us with tools never before available.

If you were a diabetic, you would have insulin, if you had angina there would be nitroglycerin or beta blockers, if you had thyroid dysfunction there would be medication.  Anxiety and depression are medical disorders in the same way disorders of chemical imbalances can be corrected with medication.

So seeking help from a physician who might offer the option of a corrective medication to restore the imbalance of brain chemistry should not be seen as a personal failure, but rather as a personal triumph for having the conviction and courage to regain a better quality of life.

There are things we can do on our own such as modifying behaviour, but when it comes to illness caused by a dysfunction in body chemistry, thankfully we have medication options at the disposal of our physicians.


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## nerd (Jun 19, 2010)

I haven't seen a counselor or therapist for the last 5 years. I've tried talking to family and friends about it but nobody seems to understand what it's like. They write it off as me being sensitive or insecure.

Regarding medication... it goes against what I believe. It might be a triumph but if I could find a way to cope with this or handle it without medication, I would. I understand that I can't do it on my own but I now have an appointment with a counselor and I'm hoping to receive some sort of ideas on how I could do this on my own. I disliked that the first thing doctors do is prescribe something. When I was first diagnosed, the doctor tried putting me on schizophrenia medication. I understand keeping it as a backup plan, if nothing I do helps.


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## Daniel (Jun 19, 2010)

> I'm hoping to receive some sort of ideas on how I could do this on my  own.


Sometimes, nothing can beat the effectiveness of medication.   Lifestyle factors such as exercise and socialization can certainly have antidepressant effects, but these effects tend to be limited. In fact, every modality has limitations, which is why a combo approach is really the way to go, especially since these treatments are not mutually exclusive and can have synergistic effects.

And, personally, the stigma I have seen against antidepressants is mostly internalized stigma. In other words, most people couldn't care less. In any case, I don't think there's  anything noble or dignified in avoiding SSRIs. 



> I just want to be  normal.


Which is why we are mentioning the treatment options that are known to work.


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## rdw (Jun 19, 2010)

Medication saved my life! Once I began to take the medication I was able to make better decisions and employ sound practices towards improved mental health. I resisted taking medication for three years. During that time my mental health and my life became more unmanageable and I grew increasingly depressed. Believe me I do understand your resistance to taking medication however it was my first step on the road to recovery. Good luck with your appointment and I wish you all the best.


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## nerd (Jun 20, 2010)

Daniel said:


> In any case, I don't think there's  anything noble or dignified in avoiding SSRIs


 
And I never said there was. Peoples opinions differ on some things and my not wanting to take medication for this is not because of a stigma (internalized or otherwise). It has to do with the fact that I feel as a human, these things will come up in different people and I honestly believe that while it can't be cured, it can be handled without the use of medication. I have plenty of other reasons too and it has nothing to do with wanting to be noble.


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## Daniel (Jun 20, 2010)

> I have plenty of other reasons too


What are they?  Have you been on SSRIs before?  

Generally speaking, when I hear people talk about how they are so opposed to taking (even trying) antidepressants, I can't help but think of learned helplessness as well as the fact that most people don't read scientific journals in their spare time.  



> I honestly believe that while it can't be cured, it can be handled  without the use of medication.


Well, certainly, CBT would be a lot better than nothing.  And with depression or anxiety, CBT can be more effective than medication alone.  But, as almost every clinical study shows, it's a combination of treatments that is most effective.      

Of course, it's your choice, and you don't have to be on medication to see a therapist.  But a good therapist will help you challenge your self-defeating beliefs about a number of issues.


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## rdw (Jun 20, 2010)

Again I understand your resistance to taking medication. I had a list of twenty sound reasons why I was not going to take medication of any kind. As well I used CBT and believed I could get my life back in order by using this method. However I could not work the program. I would have some good days where I would feel level and think "See I really am fine. I don't need  medication" But then I had those other days where it took every ounce of willpower to force myself out of bed and move through the day. Top those days with the ones where I could not get out of bed and it was a most unhappy three years. I found after a short amount of time on the medication, the anxiety was reduced to the point where I could make sound decisions. Before that my decisions were based on the feeling of the day - was I having a good day, a bad day or a desperate day. This method did not lend itself to making good decisions for me. However it was a desperate day that forced me to begin taking medication. I bought into taking the medication by saying okay I will take it for three or six months and then go off. However once I began to feel better I extended my time frame. My bottom line is I never want to feel the way I did for those three years. Again good luck with your appointment and try to keep an open mind about the medication. I was so resistant that I caused myself harm and caused relationship problems in family and friends. I would hate to see you do that to yourself.


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## Kathy R (Jun 23, 2010)

Don't be afraid to take the medication. It is literally a life saver for us who duffer from these problems. Half of my family would probably have been committed by now if it wasn't for the meds. The depressive illness is genetic in my family. If it was me I would have my doctor refer me to a psychiatrist before seeing a counselor. They both go hand in hand but O know in my case the doctor got me to a stable point and then brought in a counselor. Good luck!!!


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## Always Changing (Jun 23, 2010)

Hi Nerd,
I am wondering how you got on with your doctor appointment?
I hope you are feeling a little better for having gone to see him. 

Take care


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