# I don't know how to explain this



## Jazzey (Sep 26, 2009)

I've felt stronger and happier lately.  I feel peace for the first time in a while.

But, I'm still here, thinking about it as an option.  Still considering it and feeling quite normal or peaceful about the thought.  I'm ok with not being here anymore.  I don't have any fear about this other than not succeeding.  I'm not sad by any means.  I'm not in pain, I'm nothing other than just a bit tired of thinking.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone?  Does it?


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## Banned (Sep 26, 2009)

It makes perfect sense to me, Jazzey.  I'm in that place alot myself.  It can be a hard place to be, because you feel like you're caught in the middle.

I find the only way out of that place is to take a step towards life in any way you can - reaching out to a friend (ie going for coffee), making future plans, basically - give yourself something to live for.

But, I know how hard that is, especially when you're at peace with everything.  I really get it, hon.


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## Into The Light (Sep 26, 2009)

i have read about people seeming happier once they've made the decision to end their lives. people around them thought they were actually doing better, only to be shocked by their deaths soon after.

i would bring this up with your psychologist, jazzey.


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## Jazzey (Sep 26, 2009)

I don't cry about this anymore - I used to.  To be honest, I don't feel the need to reach out to anyone about this.  I'm not saying I'm doing anything about it.  But I also want to think about this on my own.

Thanks guys.


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## Banned (Sep 26, 2009)

I understand.  I've been in that place, and know what it feels like to need to be left alone to figure it out.  Just promise us if you start to lean towards making any kinds of plans, you'll reach out first.  You're far too precious.  And I do hope you will talk to your therapist about it (as much as you might be hesitant to).


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## Retired (Sep 26, 2009)

Jazzey said:
			
		

> I don't have any fear about this other than not succeeding



Do you have a plan as to how you would carry out a suicide?



			
				ITL said:
			
		

> people seeming happier once they've made the decision to end their lives......i would bring this up with your psychologist



This would be a concern and the advice is sound.

Will you keep yourself safe until you speak with your therapist, Jazzey?


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## Jazzey (Sep 26, 2009)

I'm not doing anything right now, Turtle. It's a thought for the time being. A thought that, for whatever reason, comforts me a little. (and yes, you have my word):hug::friends:


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## Into The Light (Sep 26, 2009)

we care about you jazzey.. very much. please don't make any rash decisions without reaching out :hug:


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## Banned (Sep 26, 2009)

Even if its "just" a thought, its still something to bring up with your therapist.  Your therapist can help you process that thought, figure out what's at the core of it, and help you to move back towards health and life.

But, she can't help you if she doesn't know, so please talk to her.


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## Fiver (Sep 26, 2009)

Into The Light said:


> i have read about people seeming happier once they've made the decision to end their lives. people around them thought they were actually doing better, only to be shocked by their deaths soon after.
> 
> i would bring this up with your psychologist, jazzey.



This was my first thought, too. Jazzey, if you are able to truly and objectively look at how and why you're feeling like this, do you believe that this applies to you right now? And if it did, would you be willing to admit it?

I don't want to put words in your mouth if ITL and I are going down the wrong path, but this sort of kinda very much makes the hairs on my neck stand up. I think I understand exactly what you've just said, and I think considering the recent history you've had with feeling that death is a viable option, working it out on your own may not be the wisest course of action. And deep inside you know this is true. 

Tell me I'm wrong, tell me to mind my own business, or pretend that you're superhuman and can do all of this without any kind of support, tell me whatever you will. Or maybe just totally ignore me altogether. But I think you owe it to yourself to get an objective perspective about everything that's going on, and I don't believe that right now you are in the position to be objective about your own situation.

Why do you insist that you have to work this all out yourself? Why don't you believe you deserve the support and help that you would advise anyone else to have? I understand being stoic and self-sufficient, but that's not what we're talking about here. I think we're talking about you not thinking you're worthy of the same help and kindness you'd insist upon for anyone other than yourself.


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## Jazzey (Sep 26, 2009)

Sorry, I didn't mean to concern any of you.  You have my word that I'm not acting on any of this.  This thread was started more so in that I'm having those thoughts, that even death doesn't scare me anymore.  Not to say that I'm acting upon any of it.

Having said this - thank you for caring about me.  I mean it.  You have my word that I'm not acting on any of these thoughts.  I'm just processing everything right now.


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## Retired (Sep 26, 2009)

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and know we are always here to be your sounding board.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 26, 2009)

The thought of suicide doesn't necessarily imply suicidal intent.

Indeed, for some people, accepting the possibility of suicide as an "out" should it be needed can be reassuring - and often means they don't need that out: just knowing it's there can be encouragement to persevere through whatever problems one is facing.

Nietzsche may have been the first to write about this.


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## Daniel (Sep 26, 2009)

> Nietzsche may have been the first to write about this.


BTW, the ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca wrote about it the most during his time.  (Nietzsche was a big fan of the Stoics.) 
The problem with the Stoics is they went overboard on everything. The best critique against them:

The Therapy of Desire - Google Books

(the title says it all)


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## Fiver (Sep 26, 2009)

David Baxter said:


> The thought of suicide doesn't necessarily imply suicidal intent.
> 
> Indeed, for some people, accepting the possibility of suicide as an "out" should it be needed can be reassuring - and often means they don't need that out: just knowing it's there can be encouragement to persevere through whatever problems one is facing.



You're absolutely right, and you are the educated professional, whereas I stock spaghetti sauce in the middle of the night. I defer to your experience, and since Jazzey has indicated that she'd prefer to ponder these feelings alone, I'll excuse myself from this thread.

It hits a little too close to home. I wish everyone a safe night.


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## Into The Light (Sep 26, 2009)

having the option is also something to do with control. it gives us control over what happens to us, whether we live or die. the choice is ours. that's what it was about for me anyway when i was severely depressed, because absolutely everything else in my life was out of control. nothing i did mattered. everyone else around me ran the show. this was the only thing i had at that time.


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## Jazzey (Sep 26, 2009)

Fiver, I apologize if this hits close to home for you.  My intention was never to harm anyone.  It's been a long week for me, on a number of grounds.

But in this instance, I was just sharing my current state of mind.  I am ok.  I do think about suicide.  And, for the first time in a long time, I'm at peace with myself and what's good for me.

But I would never want to harm anyone in my process.  I was just sharing a little tonight.  I'm sorry that I hurt you in the process.  That wasn't my intention.  I was merely expressing the fact that for the first time in a long time, I genuinely feel at peace with myself.


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## Banned (Sep 26, 2009)

I agree with Dr. Baxter as well.  I carry the suicide card in my back pocket every day.  It makes it a bit easier to get through the days, knowing I have an "out" if I need it.  It's kind of hard to explain, unless you've been there.  It keeps my stress down a bit, because I know I have options.

Having said that, I would never use that card without going to my therapist for support first.

But, while I'm not actively suicidal at this time, I have been in the past, and will be in the future again.  Not being actively suicidal right now doesn't mean I never think about it though...if that makes sense.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 26, 2009)

No apologies needed, Jazzey.

This thread *is* posted in the *Suicide* forum. I would think that would be sufficient warning that it might contain potentially triggering content.


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## Jazzey (Sep 26, 2009)

And don't ever diminish yourself Fiver - that just doesn't fly with me, at all.


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## Cat Dancer (Sep 27, 2009)

Sadly, I can relate to what you're saying and I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts.


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## NicNak (Sep 27, 2009)

Hi Jazzey.  I feel the same as Cat Dancer.  I relate as well and you are in my thoughts.

I apologize, I am not much more help than that tonight.  :heart:


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## Jazzey (Sep 27, 2009)

Sorry guys, I really didn't mean to portray something that isn't. I'm really feeling good.  I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I just feel at peace right now - about everything.

I've learned to love my job -in fact, I'm passionate about it again for the first time in a very long time.  I'm enjoying being around people.  I'm looking forward to my running club...Everything is really great.

While I do still think of death, my death, it really is more of an acceptance, a feeling of peace.  I will live life to its fullest for the time being.  I'm still waiting on results from my cancer testing.  Either way- I will live every bit of the next little while to its fullest.

What?? you didn't think you'd get rid of me so easily did you?


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## Retired (Sep 27, 2009)

> While I do still think of death, my death, it really is more of an acceptance



I don't know what brings about the realization of our own mortality, a realization that mortality, whenever it happens to come, is not an event that strikes a chord of fear and denial but rather a sense of peaceful acceptance.

Some say it's a part of aging, as we see some of our peers passing on, others say that reports of our heroes or icons passing evoke thoughts of our own mortality.

People around us are always dying, but when there is a personal connection, thoughts of our own mortality seem to come to the forefront.

I am not referring to obsessing about death or indulging in morbid thoughts surrounding death, but rather, in a brief moment,  imagining how others might react to our absence, or conversely, how we might react if someone close to us would pass.

I suppose thoughts of death are probably just another one of those human thought processes in which we indulge, just like imagining what it would be like to give birth, to be a parent, a grand parent, to experience weightlessness, to drive a race car in the Daytona 500, to fly an airplane,  to win the lottery and even  to imagine death.


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## suewatters1 (Sep 28, 2009)

I understand of what your talking about Jazzey.  I told my therapist that I still occasionally get suicidal thoughts and I thought they would totally go away with my medication and feeling better most of the time.  But he explained it to me but I can't remember exactly how he said it but it made sense.
It does get scary when the dark thoughts come back.
I was looking for some pro sites for the first time last week and that scared me made me wonder why am I looking for these sites.  I was thinking maybe it was because I wouldn't be the only one thinking dark thoughts on a bad day.

I am glad you have a passion for your job 

Take Care

Sue


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## Jazzey (Sep 30, 2009)

Tonight, I just want to let go.  I don't know how to explain my current mood other than to say that I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.

I have this anger in me -about how my life always seems to be about the pain inflicted on others...So, in  all of this, when, precisely do I get to focus on my own pain?  And why, exactly, is this always about others and their "crises"?

I'm so angry tonight. I give up.  I don't know how to gauge my emotions.  I have no 'freakin' clue how to really evaluate any given situation.  Surely darwininan laws have to come into play to exclude the weakest link - me.

Sorry - just angry.  And I just don't want to be here anymore. But, I'll hang on - I'll be here tomorrow -because that's me.

But darnit - I'm just so angry tonight without even having an inkling why.  I have no idea where this anger is coming from.


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## NicNak (Sep 30, 2009)

I am sorry Jazzey.  It is a very familliar feeling I am having lately and cannot even figure out why I am angry or upset either.  

I am sorry I am not much help, but wanted to send you support.  Glad you are going to hang on.  

You are a wonderful person and do so much good for others.   I am so sorry you are hurting though, I wish I could find a way to help..

:heart: :hug: :support:


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## Retired (Sep 30, 2009)

Jazzey,

I don't know if this will help, but I read this very profound and insightful post by a very wise person, whom I greatly respect on our Forum.  Have a look and see if there are any _nuggets_ that might be of help during this difficult time you are having:



> It doesn't have to be 'fixed' .......You just have to accept that it's part of your experience. Accept that it is so and then, create new life experiences. Ones that can be happy.
> 
> We don't always have to 'fix things'. In fact, I think that there are matters that cannot be fixed. Like grief - you can't 'fix that'. But you can integrate it into your new life, learn to be happy despite the 'grief'.
> 
> ...



I know I found some inspiration in those words that I can take home.

You are far from a _weak link_, but rather you are the strong and resilient person we have gotten to know here on the Forum.

Stay strong!


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## Jazzey (Sep 30, 2009)

Thank you Steve :hug::heart:

I'm just a little 'muted' right now. But, thank you.


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## Into The Light (Sep 30, 2009)

of course you're angry jazzey. when something is always about others and never about you, eventually you're going to reach your limit.

i don't know what to do to help with that feeling. i just wanted to point out that what you are feeling is normal, ok, and especially, justified.


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## Always Changing (Sep 30, 2009)

Just want to say I'm thinking of you Jazzey.   :hug:


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## Jazzey (Oct 1, 2009)

Thanks you AC :hug::hug:


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## Jazzey (Oct 1, 2009)

Sorry about this last night everyone. And more importantly, thank you all for your support.  It really does mean a lot to me.  

Sometimes, I can be fine one minute and just sink into a dark mood the very next minute.  A very angry mood.  And it's a little frustrating at times because there's no real reason for me to have reached that particular place last night.  I was really fine all day long and from one half hour to the next, I went there.

But I'm feeling a lot better today and I just wanted to thank all of you. :grouphug:


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## Banned (Oct 1, 2009)

I'm glad to hear that, Jazzey.


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