# I'm new here



## Sylvia (May 4, 2005)

hi I'm new here.  I have been dealing with major depression for many months now.  Antidepressants haven't really worked for me.  their have been no breakthroughs in therapy.  In many ways I feel trapped.  As many of you may know it is hard for other people to understand depression if they have not experienced it themselves.  I struggle with the ignorance of those around me.  I am unable to share the full scope of my feelings.  It is only under a name that is not mine and to people that expect nothing of me that I can be myself in essence. I take the name Sylvia as in the poet Sylvia Plath.I myself am a poet but that hardly matters here.  I have hopes that this place can be helpful for me perhaps even I will be able to feel less alone.

~ Sylvia


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## cm (May 4, 2005)

*I feel numb*

Welcome to the forum Sylvia,
I'm sure you will find many supportive people here.  I have had depression of varying degrees for many years and was glad to find this site.
cm


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## David Baxter PhD (May 5, 2005)

*I feel numb*



			
				Sylvia said:
			
		

> I have been dealing with major depression for many months now. Antidepressants haven't really worked for me.


Which ones have you tried?


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## Sylvia (May 10, 2005)

*I feel numb*

have been experiencing major depression for more than six months.  I feel very odd right now.  At times I can experience great emotional pain.  But now I feel nothing at all.  It is as if I have no emotion...there is no pain there is no happiness.  The closest I come to anything is frustration...and then I feel nothing at all.  I can only describe it as numb. can anyone relate to this or offer any suggestions on how to cope?  I truly despise this lack of feeling!  It is almost is I would prefer to experience great emotional pain as opposed to feeling no emotion.  It sounds strange I know although I also know it to be true.

please help if you feel that you can!

thanks,Sylvia


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## braveheart (May 11, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I'm just wondering if you are unconsciously numbing yourself from the pain, that its a self protective mechanism?

I can really only come from my own experience, which may or may not be similar to yours-
I'm dealing with depression too..and going through feelings of acute emotional pain....I feel there is only so much of that I can handle at any one time...and have to take it in waves, building up strength each time in the quieter phases, preparing myself for the next wave, I express the grief, feel the pain, and then so on....
"let it be"?????? sadly I feel these things cannot be forced.....I used to try that, but...

Are you on any meds?

Wishing you the best,

Braveheart


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## David Baxter PhD (May 11, 2005)

*I feel numb*

Sylvia, I've merged your two posts in the "Depression" forum so that replies to one will also show up for people replying to the other.

It may also be helpful for readers to be aware that there is another related thread in the "Self-Injury" forum at http://www.psychlinks.ca/phpbb/viewforum.php?f=54 with the title "clueless".


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## Aims (May 11, 2005)

*I feel numb*

After being on meds since September, the only emotion I have felt is "numb".  Now that I'm off the numbing medication I'm trying to decide whether apathy, lethargy, and weight gain are better than the constant stomach aches, migraines, and panic attacks I've been having lately!


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## ThatLady (May 11, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I found, during therapy, that I went through periods of "numbness" to emotion. I always figured it was just me trying to get used to what I was "supposed" to feel as a "normal" person. These numb periods inevitably passed. I just had to buck up and bull through. My therapist was very helpful during these times with suggestions as to what I might try, and listening to my ideas of what might help me. Together, we got through it and I came out the other side able to control the highs and lows of life.


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## Sylvia (May 14, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I feel quite numb at this moment but I didn't last night.  Last night I felt so bad that I cut myself.  I haven't over two months until last night that is.  That is the longest I've ever been able to stay away from it.I even felt suicidal last night...I thought about calling my therapist but it was too late and I wouldn't have gotten through to her anyway. I don't know what to do with myself... I'm lost and frustrated as far as my depression is concerned.  I feel numb again and that gives my self-hatred something to feed on.

to answer brave hearts question I am on medication but I have found nothing that works as of yet.  I feel much like a lab rat.

what is one to do one I feel so helpless and alone?...

~ Sylvia


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## David Baxter PhD (May 14, 2005)

*I feel numb*

Sylvia, see my private message to you.


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## Sylvia (May 15, 2005)

*I feel numb*

now the marks on my arms are more than just scars I have cut in their and now my psychologist will find out and then I don't know what will happen. I'm afraid of what will happen if she finds out about myself injury because I have no idea what direction she will go in once she finds out.

any advice?...

~ Sylvia


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## David Baxter PhD (May 15, 2005)

*I feel numb*

First, she isn't going to hospitalize you so stop worrying about that. As for the rest of it, you need to talk to her about what you are doing and make sure she understands this wasn't/isn't a suicide gesture -- it's about not being able to express feelings. Then ask her to help you find those feelings and find other ways of getting them out.


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## Sylvia (May 24, 2005)

*I feel numb*

disconnected;a poem of feelings and thoughts

I don't feel so numb now...
I can't think clearly,
I can barely seem to function,
I don't know what to do!
so lost,so empty,a shell...
no one to talk to -
even then I don't know what to say,
why is it life to simply keep a beating heart?
alone,desolate nothingness!...
save me from my circle of self-hate.
trapped within myself,
again and again,
nothing changes,
everything changes,
outcome simply unknown...

~ Sylvia


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## Sylvia (May 25, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I feel so alone and desolate. no one around me seems to understand.  I need to know that someone cares but no one does.  I don't even feel like I deserve anything anymore.  I feel undeserving of love and yet I need to compassion more than anything else.  I am completely at odds with myself.  I feel like my support has been taken out from under me.  I am lost...

~ Sylvia


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## Sylvia (May 31, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I have been having more difficulties in my therapist's absence.  I went to see another person and I knew it wouldn't be the same.  I was caught off guard by the lack of trust I have in this person.  The trust I have in my therapist really makes a difference.  Subconsciously I have come to rely on her more than I expected.  She is almost like a friend to me and it is strange to have someone else sitting there.  It doesn't help me nearly as much as seeing the person I usually do.  I am finding coping difficult and I have no one to talk to now.  Which is why I am writing this.  Although no one has responded to me lately.  Not a word.  I really can't identify where I am now mentally.my thoughts are deep and dark.  Sometimes I feel I am on the edge of breaking.  I fear losing myself completely because their may be no recovery from that.  I need help!...

~ Sylvia


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## ThatLady (May 31, 2005)

*I feel numb*

It's always difficult to have one's trusted confidante take a vacation. Yet, we have to realize that everybody needs to have some "me" time once in awhile. While your temporary therapist cannot possibly be what your regular therapist is to you, the temporary therapist should be recognized as a place to go with your problems, and someone who is trusted by your regular therapist to help you while your regular therapist is away. Your regular therapist wouldn't have chosen this person if she didn't trust her, so that should give you some comfort, hon.

Hang in there and talk with the temporary therapist about how you feel. I'm sure she'll understand.


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## Sylvia (May 31, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I do not blame her for taking a vacation it makes perfect sense.  I just feel so reliant on her.  I don't like that feeling at all but it is there nonetheless.I do trust the other therapist by association and yet somehow I feel that is not enough but it has to be. I do appreciate your response thatlady.

~ Sylvia


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## David Baxter PhD (May 31, 2005)

*I feel numb*

I think we have responded to you Sylvia... 

You cannot rely solely on your therapist. I realize that it is difficult to trust someone else but that is an important step in increasing the resources you need to eventuall build trust in yourself. To be that dependent on any single therapist, no matter how good s/he is, isn't helpful in the long run.


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