# Struggling



## AmZ (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm REALLY struggling. 

I'm due to start the ECT next week but all that's going around in my head is that it's not going to work and I'm going to live a life of depression. Which, by the way, I am not prepared to live, so that doesn't leave me in a very hopeful situation. 

It's all dark thoughts and negative thinking. As much as I'm trying to change my way of thinking, the depression is pulling me down so much that I'm in the most ridiculous dark place I've ever been in. 

I don't see my future. I don't see any hope. How can I carry on when I feel like this? I'm broken. Totally broken. 

It's just getting worse and worse. The last few days, I have no problems with my appetite but all I can manage to eat is bread and dry foods. Anything else turns my stomach. 

My doctor suggested that I don't take any sleeping pills last night as I only sleep for three hours or so a night anyway so it seems that the pills aren't working. I ended up sleeping for an hour with no sleeping pills and woke up and couldn't fall back asleep again. After two hours I gave up and they gave me a sleeping pill. I slept for two hours and woke up and was awake the rest of the night. It was horrible. So I'm going back on 2 x Imovane tonight as I haven't taken them in a while so it should help me a bit at least for a while before my body gets used to it and it stops working again. So my sleep is more off whack too which is not helping things. When I am sleeping, I'm only sleeping for thirty minutes or so and then waking up from having bad dreams and crying. Then feeling exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open so I fall back asleep, have another bad dream, wake up with a wet pillow and it just goes on like that until I give up sleeping because I don't feel tired any more and I can't take it any more. 

I'm trying my best to hold on but the feelings are so deep and bad, it's ripping me apart. 

I don't know what else I can do to pass the time until I start the ECT. I don't know how I can cope even one more day. 

Therapy has been intense and emotional. A LOT has come up and I've been meeting with my therapist three times a week. I don't see her until Sunday and I feel like I can't wait and I need to speak with her to get all of these sick feelings out of me. 

Tools? What can I do? How can I survive?


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## Chun Chen Lee (Nov 22, 2012)

hang in there...

“You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something _inside_ of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

_ {triggering content deleted}_

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.” 

― Haruki Murakami, _Kafka on the Shore_


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## AmZ (Nov 23, 2012)

Beautiful. Thank you. 

Any other words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. I know that a lot of the forum members will have been through the same deep depression that I describe... So how was your journey or how is it currently going?

I pray for a speedy recovery for all of us. 

There's a recent new patient here, a young American guy and I feel so bad for him. He's very sick. But is in denial about it. The DRs say he has schizophrenia. He says he's in hell and is doomed. There's no way out. There's no contact allowed between patients but last night I gave him a big hug and told him I wish him better. He really appreciated it as he's on bad terms with his whole family and I just felt like a nice caring hug is what could do him good. Just need to keep the boundaries set because it was just a warm friendly hug.


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 23, 2012)

All I can think of is "When you're going through hell, keep going," by Winston Churchill.

I"m struggling too and I have two little kids to worry about, a husband, bills, a house to take care of, pets who need me, no support system, a really messed up family etc.....

Just keep going. That's all any of us can do. There aren't any magic answers.


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## AmZ (Nov 23, 2012)

Cat Dancer said:


> All I can think of is "When you're going through hell, keep going," by Winston Churchill.
> 
> I"m struggling too and I have two little kids to worry about, a husband, bills, a house to take care of, pets who need me, no support system, a really messed up family etc.....
> 
> Just keep going. That's all any of us can do. There aren't any magic answers.



Thanks CD. Wishing you well.


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## Chun Chen Lee (Nov 23, 2012)

I apologise for my insensitivity and the triggering aspects of the quote.


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## Darkside (Nov 24, 2012)

@AmZ - you have a wonderful way with words. I am sitting her with tears rolling down my face reading your post and I am praying that you will find some relief. I wish I had wise words for you, but I don't. All I know to say is to hang on, never give up, fight for your "self" with all that you have. I believe you are stronger, much stronger, than you believe yourself to be.


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## AmZ (Nov 24, 2012)

Darkside said:


> @AmZ - you have a wonderful way with words. I am sitting her with tears rolling down my face reading your post and I am praying that you will find some relief. I wish I had wise words for you, but I don't. All I know to say is to hang on, never give up, fight for your "self" with all that you have. I believe you are stronger, much stronger, than you believe yourself to be.



Thank you Darkside for your kind words of advice. Sorry to make you cry! 

Things have slowed down with the ECT and I'm really trying to have patience with it but every hour is a struggle. 

I was meant to meet the anaesthetist on Friday but for some reason that didn't happen. And the paperwork was meant to be finished off and signed on Friday but that didn't happen either. 

So I'm not sure that I'll be able to start the ECT this week coming. We'll see.  

I've managed to stay calm and collected today. It's been a while. I literally had a whole day of feeling OK which hardly ever happens. The weekend has gone fast here which I'm glad of as it can be tough with nothing to do etc. 

There was a bit of drama with one of the female patients and two female nurses were fighting with her for her to give back a pad of passes to leave the hospital. She tried to run out of the hospital and escape. It was pretty unpleasant and it nearly got in to a physical fight but another female patient helped the nurses and luckily everything was OK in the end. Just a lot of crying and screaming. 

My dad and his wife are coming to visit me at the hospital tomorrow and I hope that I'll be well enough to leave with them to see my sister and the babies and be together as a family. 

Never knowing what is around the corner. I can switch from one mood to the next in an instant. Living on the edge. That's how I term it. 

One female patient told me that she doesn't want to live just now. She said she simply doesn't want to wake up in the morning so I comforted her a bit and said I've had the same thoughts but everything will be ok and took her to the nurses office because she was in such a state. 

A day in the life of being in hospital!


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 24, 2012)

Have you seen your family yet? I hope that goes well.


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## AmZ (Nov 24, 2012)

Hi CD. 

Not yet. It's 3.30 Sunday now and they are planning to come early afternoon to the hospital and then we'll hopefully go to my sisters. 

Should try to get back to sleep, right? 

Thanks. I hope it goes OK too. I know my dad is going to be very emotional seeing that I am STILL in hospital and I've been very honest to him about serious suicidal thoughts and stuff. 

Hope you are well.


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 24, 2012)

Ah, ok. Sorry I can never remember what the time difference is. mg: Well hope it goes well.


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## AmZ (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks. Now it's 5.30am am counting down to when they'll come at lunchtime. Just a regular night of sleep for me!! God, I'm just shattered, all, my body just wants is a bit of to sleep. I'm so fed up of the insomnia it just become part of me since getting sick 2 1 1/2 years.


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## MHealthJo (Nov 25, 2012)

Hope you have been able to get a bit of sleep Amz! xx Can't remember if i saw you in CD's recent thread about comfort and selfsoothing, but that (and similar ones) could be a good one to look at in times like these.

I love that Churchill quote too. Gosh now there's a bit of a worry to have on your mind and your shoulders for years - the security and freedom of the inhabited world!! They say he didn't sleep much either. I've now been looking through some of his other awesome quotes - Thanks CD!


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## AmZ (Nov 25, 2012)

Hi Jo and everyone. 

Wow, it's been avert stressful and emotional day. I'm finished off and have reclined to my bed with 2mg Clonazepam to calm me down. 

My dad and his wife came to the hospital today to visit me for the first time since they arrived in the country. They rented a car and the plan was to pick me up and go to my sisters to be all together. 

I went to my psychiatrist this morning to ask for a pass and they're not letting me out of the hospital. I was extremely upset. I'd been waiting to be with all of my family as the last time my dad and his wife visited last time was 9 months ago when my sister gave birth to her second child. 

I wanted to be with them. To see all of the progress especially of the 2 1/2 year old talking in 3 languages and full of life. And the little 9 month old, the cutie pie that she is. This morning my sister sent me a photo of her standing up for the first time. I hate missing out on these things. 

I wanted to see my dad and his wife play with the babies and see how they have developed and see the gifts that they had brought them from England. I wanted to see the joy and love. 

I wanted to be part of the family. 

Both my psychologist and psychiatrist said that they don't want me leaving the hospital because I'm extremely fragile right now and what if someone says something that triggers me or just being in a happy environment and feeling alien can do me bad. 

I didn't agree at first and it broke me but then understood that they're just protecting me and it's for the best that I don't go. 

So unfortunately I didn't get a chance to be with my family but my dad and his wife came to the hospital first and we spent a couple of hours together which was nice. 

I'm starting the ECT on this Thursday morning at 7am or so. Then at 2.15pm my dad and his wife are coming to have a meeting with all of the staff. Hopefully I'll be feeling OK after having the general anaesthetic and treatment to do the meeting. 

The staff don't want to let me leave the hospital whilst I am having the ECT. I am planned to have it for the next three weeks twice a week and that's just coincided with my dad and his wife arriving and visiting for three weeks. So I don't know, I'm a bit nervous about having them here whilst I'm doing the ECT. Hopefully Things'll be ok. We had planned at having a weekend together at my sisters. All of us together but unfortunately they're not letting me out. 

My dad just called me from my sisters and I spoke with everyone. I was crying on the phone but they didn't hear me. Just tough to not be with everyone and be in this environment with sick people. Spoke with my niece and she rambled on some words on English, French and Hebrew. Little cutie. 

Now I've just retired to my bed as I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I'm shattered from daily life. And it's meant to be easier in hospital and I'm still struggling. Boy, it's tough. 

I really pray that the ECT helps. Even if it just takes the edge off like I had hope the medications would do but haven't done. 

I've really gotten to a place where the ECT is a viable and meccessary option. I'm only eating bread and can't stand to see any other food. It turns my stomach. My sleep is worse than ever and I'm just going downhill all the time. 

Thanks for listening and for your support guys.


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## Darkside (Nov 25, 2012)

They should have allowed your family come and visit you. Surely they have a private room they could have given you all to sit and visit for an hour or so.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 25, 2012)

I don't think the hospital said her family couldn't visit her at the hospital... only that she could not leave the hospital for a family event outside.


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## AmZ (Nov 25, 2012)

Darkside said:


> They should have allowed your family come and visit you. Surely they have a private room they could have given you all to sit and visit for an hour or so.



For various reasons, that couldn't have worked out. I'm an hour outside of the city, my sister is in the centre of the city. My dad and his wife would have to drive to the centre to pick them up, then drive back our an hour to the hospital, then drive another hour to the centre to drop off my sister and the babies and then drive back out and back to the centre of the country where they are staying. Way too much driving time and schlepping around.

Plus my sister has a full time job, her husband wouldn't be able to fit in the car my dad and his wife rented and works until 8pm anyway. 

My sister has no car so would have to travel 1 1/2 hours on 2 buses to get to the hospital. And obviously couldn't come with two babies on the buses by herself. 

And my sister doesn't like bringing the babies in to the hospital because all the sick patients come over to the babies and my sister is scared. 

So just can't work out unfortunately. 

I feel very missed out but that's the situation so there's not much I can do about it.


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## MHealthJo (Nov 26, 2012)

I am so so sorry that you missed out Amz. :'(

Gosh that is really tough to take - but at the end of the day, safety first. Good on you for understanding that and trying to think that way - man, tough stuff.

The future is always there for you, with other chances to see the girls. Can you set up some Skype time with your family? Not quite the same, but a great invention and an excellent way to still see and take part!


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 26, 2012)

That's a good suggestion, MHJ. iPhone has a free Skype app.


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## AmZ (Nov 26, 2012)

MHealthJo said:


> I am so so sorry that you missed out Amz. :'(
> 
> Gosh that is really tough to take - but at the end of the day, safety first. Good on you for understanding that and trying to think that way - man, tough stuff.
> 
> The future is always there for you, with other chances to see the girls. Can you set up some Skype time with your family? Not quite the same, but a great invention and an excellent way to still see and take part!



Hi Jo. 

Funny story. My sister has wanted an iPhone for months but her husband said they can't really afford it. My sister was at work the other day and took her mobile phone to the bathroom with her and it fell into the toilet! It all opened up and was ruined. She convinced her husband that she gets an iPhone and he said yes. So now we both have iPhones with Internet on them. Unlimited use. So we're going to try out Skype and some other things and see what works best. I speak to my 2 1/2 year old niece nearly every day on the phone, but you're right, it's not the same. Would be nice to have video. 

Everything is still getting worse. I have to force myself to eat and I can only eat dry things like bread. When we are locked out of our rooms during the day, I lay on a bench smoking a lot with no strength to sit up. My sleep is worse. Nightmares and panic attacks on and off all night. Can't even manage to sleep for an hour during the day because I feel so bad. I'm so irritated and full of bad thoughts. I can't relax but my body keeps shutting off. Had a panic attack in group therapy this morning. It felt like I was seriously losing my mind. People were talking over each other and I got overwhelmed with all the noise. Just put my head down, closed my eyes and tried to do deep breathing and stop my heart from beating so fast. I nearly passed out. I'm all over the place. 

Really suffering. Emotional. Then numb and nothingness. Just goes around and around. 

Please God the ECT will help me. It's not possible to live like this. I start the ECT on Thursday morning. Everything is in place, all paperwork and stuff. Just need to have some more blood tests tomorrow morning because they screwed the last one I did up. 

I thought I was in hell a few months ago but wow, I never thought its ever possible to feel so bad like I do now. 

Anyway. I don't mean to be creating a sob story here. Just telling it how it is and what's going on. 

...

Time to go to my room and hide out a bit away from everyone.


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