# Struggling with trying to understand what matters



## Cat Dancer (Aug 22, 2013)

I am depressed. My therapist is off this week, no voice mail or anything and that is fine. I think he needs a break. But I am struggling with making things matter in my mind. Does it matter if I do laundry and things like that? It seems so so meaningless. Also I'm struggling with the fear of doing something impulsive that will cause my death.  I think this is partly OCD, but partly being deeply depressed as well. I have always felt that I would die by suicide, but I don't really want that. It is just an unwanted, unwelcome thought, I think. This is all so confusing.

I'm also REALLY struggling with taking my medication. I don't want to, but if I don't I get totally dysfunctional. Do I want to be that way on some level? 

Just getting through each day in one piece is not enough. I want more out of life, but I don't know what or even what that means. I wish I wasn't so alone in real life. I look around and just don't care, but I want to care.  This is all so hard. 

I am so overwhelmed with stuff right now that I keep thinking, well all I have to do is take myself out of life and then I won't have to worry about all this anymore, but that is irrational and scary and not the right way to think. 

I'm not even sure why I'm posting or what I need or what I want. I want someone to come and clean my house. ha!


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## Retired (Aug 22, 2013)

*Re: struggling with trying to understand what matters*

Cat Dancer,

From my perspective, these are the important keynotes of how I see your struggle.



> I have always felt that I would die by suicide, but I don't really want that. It is just an unwanted, unwelcome thought.........struggling with taking my medication. I don't want to, but if I don't I get totally dysfunctional......I wish I wasn't so alone in real life



In order to regain control of your life, which, is what I see your struggle is saying, you need to take your medications despite what the distorted thinking of your illness tries to prevent you from doing.

It's clear from your statement that you have strong reasons to live, and that although these thoughts of suicide invade your thinking, the thoughts may simply be symptoms of the illness, that should be controlled when you take your medications as the doctor has directed.

Finally, it has become clear to anyone here who has listened to your situation that you seem to be on your own to deal with your illness.  The sad reality seems to be that those closest to you fail to provide you with the support you clearly need and deserve.

In my view, you need to regain control of your life by using every bit of courage and determination you can muster to take your medications, set your mind to regaining control of your life.

In the meantime, seek out whatever resources you can to find companionship, friendship and support other than from those in your family who appear to have abandoned you.

When you cannot get support from one source, you need to adapt your life, your expectations and your goals and make it your business to find it elsewhere.

_What matters, Cat DAncer, is your own health, your own peace of mind, your own dignity and your own independence._

We here know you to be an intelligent and compassionate woman, working against difficult obstacles in trying to deal with your illness without the support of those close to you.

Use the resources here for support but continue searching for a local support network independent of those who have disappointed you to date.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 22, 2013)

*Re: struggling with trying to understand what matters*

No the laundry is not important really  do that when you have the energy ok  what is impt is YOU and your children  that is all  the dishes will get done another time and your home will be cleaned when you have the energy   Iwish you did have more support hun it would take away the loneliness your feeling hugs


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## defect (Aug 23, 2013)

Cat Dancer said:


> It seems so so meaningless.
> I look around and just don't care, but I want to care.


This is EXACTLY what I've been struggling with for some time now. I really want to care about caring about anything at all. It's a difficult realization but for once in my life I take comfort in the fact that this too will change, as everything does. I have cared about things in the past and I'm pretty sure I'm still in here somewhere... Keep writing, it helps get the thoughts out and we all help each other through this. Even when we're not feeling it.


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 24, 2013)

I just don't think there is any value in me. I think I take up space and resources that could be better used for someone else. I've been suicidal since I was a child. I overdosed on stuff back then but not enough to end up dead obviously. 

I WANT to not think these thoughts. They are so ingrained though. I am SO tired and discouraged and depressed right now. Very depressed. I have a doctor's appointment Monday and I'm holding on until then, but I'm not sure how she can help me anymore. I have messed up a lot of things and don't see a way of fixing them.

---------- Post Merged at 05:53 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:23 PM ----------

One thing that is hard is I have had these thoughts for so long they feel normal and I don't know when I'm really in danger and I don't think anyone else does either.


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## forgetmenot (Aug 24, 2013)

I think they do hun i think your therapist can tell  and if you  really get so down that you cannot function  then you will know to reach out ok for more help 
the thoughts just are thoughts CD  you would never want to harm anyone by leaving  your love for your children will keep you safe  hugs


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## defect (Aug 24, 2013)

Cat Dancer said:


> I just don't think there is any value in me. I think I take up space and resources that could be better used for someone else. I've been suicidal since I was a child. I overdosed on stuff back then but not enough to end up dead obviously.
> 
> I WANT to not think these thoughts. They are so ingrained though. I am SO tired and discouraged and depressed right now. Very depressed. I have a doctor's appointment Monday and I'm holding on until then, but I'm not sure how she can help me anymore. I have messed up a lot of things and don't see a way of fixing them.
> 
> ...



Again, I too feel this way. It really is an awkward feeling isn't it? I always wonder what the rest of my family really thinks of me. I know my dad doesn't "believe" in depression and thinks I'm ridiculous and my mom doesn't seem to make the connection between my behaviours and my depression and anxiety. She knows I struggle with these things but when I exhibit any signs of it she doesn't seem to acknowledge any other reasoning other than I'm lazy or "too sensitive" or just a jerk. I feel like I'm becoming indifferent to myself lately. Like I've given up the notion that I will feel any better or find a way to even care about trying anymore. When I read back what I've written it all sounds so pathetic and dramatic, but I really didn't even write it that way, I feel like I've just accepted that this is as good as it gets, and I think I'm a bit scared to fully realize and feel the reality of that awareness. I don't want to think or believe this, but it's there. On one hand, it relieves some of the angst of feeling so depressed and not making progress, but on the other hand I feel pretty dead now. Less crying. When you wrote "I don't know when I'm really in danger", this rings true for me lately, because I can't imagine feeling hopeless and dead inside is a good thing. I want to be a friend to myself, I wouldn't want anyone I cared about to feel this way and not have someone to support them. I must have struck something in me, I'm crying now. That is probably good.


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## MHealthJo (Aug 25, 2013)

How unfair to have unsupportive, ignorant people around you. It really does make it very hard. I feel so much for both of you.

I guess the more we can distance and differentiate our feelings and views of ourselves from that of those people, the better.....


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 25, 2013)

Well, I've been by myself for several days with the kids with limited contact with him and I still feel awful. It's me. I am inherently flawed and wrong. I do not understand why I have to deal with this. I want to figure out where I went wrong and fix it, but I don't know.


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## MHealthJo (Aug 26, 2013)

CD, the damage to you is not going to disappear from having a few days away. 

You also separately have difficult illnesses that are oppressing you badly right now.

That last part of what you wrote - it's literally exactly what a person was saying they used to feel - a blog I was reading literally yesterday, by a lady who grew up with an abusive situation involving excessive criticism and being made to never feel good enough, and to feel she was less important than others.

It's uncanny how similar your wording is to hers.

She literally felt that way most of her life, but eventually had to realise the reality, that being treated a certain way for a long time makes people believe untrue things about themselves.


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