# hi i need some help.



## zanphere

i'm 24 yrs old, but i feel like i'm 40 or 50 yrs old.

here's a little look into my life.

4 years ago my mom died, we were really close, she was like my big sister, and i felt like my life was over for about two years, but my girlfriend (i'll call her mary) and i were dating about a year before my mom past, and she got me through it, so right there she was granted my appriciation for life.

i also have a problem trusting people, since i've been burned by everyone from friends, enemies and even my father who slept with my old girlfriend(not mary) and i hated him way before he did that so he just made it worse.

i was falling more and more in love with mary as time past, and she told me about here X'boyfriend, and that we were alike in more ways than one, so obviously i wanted to meet him since she made him sound like a nice guy, i did'nt want to be his best friend or anything but she use to call him occasonally, and i never meet or talked to him.

she said no i cannot meet him, she would rather not talk to him anymore, then i startred feeling like something was going on, but we were never apart, so she was'nt sleeping with him, but i felt like she was cheating on me with him in spirit, he knew everything about me, and all i knew 
about him was his name and his old high school.

i was begining to think that i was a fool for even thinking about loving her, so i just clamed up as usual and everything just came crashing back, my mom my dad, my x's and all the rage i had in high school( i went to 5 different high schools) mainly because my dad was verbally and mentally abusive to all of us, like we did'nt matter, he tried to hit my mom when i was 12 yrs old and at that time i told myself and i told him if he ever him my mom i would kill him, i guess that scared him off for a while but he got more abusive, and he stoped all payments on all my school and other classes i was in, this might be illegal in the usa but i grew up in trinidad.

i am really good with my hands, and i guess i was a smart kid, i started attending high school when i had just turned 10yrs old, i was really good at drawing and sketcing, and i was just learning to air brush, i felt like my life was being taken away from my and there was nothing i could do about it.

so i locked everyone out as i did when i was a kid, i started drinking staying out late and comming home at 4am sometimes 6am, i really did'nt care about anything, then one morning on the way home i was thinking of 
my mom and i remembered one of her speaches she always gave to me, forgive everyone because you don't have the power to judge anyone, so i did and things went back to normal.

eventually we got married and things were looking good untill one day i asked her why was it that my meeting or talking to her x was such a bad thing, and i said i can't believe that i was acting so crazy over nothing, it's not like you slept with him while you were with me, and the look on her face said it all, and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.

and now i can't sleep, i'm never hungry, i'm always mad, and to make matters worse, she always says that it was my fault, i've been crossed by someone i'm soposed to love.

it's like i love her and hate her at the same time, on top of everything else my dad came to see me recently and said that if my mom had'nt died on her own he would have killed her because she stole some of his money,and i don't think i can handle any more, is there anyone who can help me get my life back.

i don't want to do something that i might regret later, i have crazy ideas and schemes in my head and i'm not a fragile 10year old little kid anymore, i have to stay level headed to take care of my little sister 17yrs old.


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## zanphere

i'm 24 yrs old, but i feel like i'm 40 or 50 yrs old.

here's a little look into my life.

4 years ago my mom died, we were really close, she was like my big sister, and i felt like my life was over for about two years, but my girlfriend (i'll call her mary) and i were dating about a year before my mom past, and she got me through it, so right there she was granted my appriciation for life.

i also have a problem trusting people, since i've been burned by everyone from friends, enemies and even my father who slept with my old girlfriend(not mary) and i hated him way before he did that so he just made it worse.

i was falling more and more in love with mary as time past, and she told me about here X'boyfriend, and that we were alike in more ways than one, so obviously i wanted to meet him since she made him sound like a nice guy, i did'nt want to be his best friend or anything but she use to call him occasonally, and i never meet or talked to him.

she said no i cannot meet him, she would rather not talk to him anymore, then i startred feeling like something was going on, but we were never apart, so she was'nt sleeping with him, but i felt like she was cheating on me with him in spirit, he knew everything about me, and all i knew 
about him was his name and his old high school.

i was begining to think that i was a fool for even thinking about loving her, so i just clamed up as usual and everything just came crashing back, my mom my dad, my x's and all the rage i had in high school( i went to 5 different high schools) mainly because my dad was verbally and mentally abusive to all of us, like we did'nt matter, he tried to hit my mom when i was 12 yrs old and at that time i told myself and i told him if he ever him my mom i would kill him, i guess that scared him off for a while but he got more abusive, and he stoped all payments on all my school and other classes i was in, this might be illegal in the usa but i grew up in trinidad.

i am really good with my hands, and i guess i was a smart kid, i started attending high school when i had just turned 10yrs old, i was really good at drawing and sketcing, and i was just learning to air brush, i felt like my life was being taken away from my and there was nothing i could do about it.

so i locked everyone out as i did when i was a kid, i started drinking staying out late and comming home at 4am sometimes 6am, i really did'nt care about anything, then one morning on the way home i was thinking of 
my mom and i remembered one of her speaches she always gave to me, forgive everyone because you don't have the power to judge anyone, so i did and things went back to normal.

eventually we got married and things were looking good untill one day i asked her why was it that my meeting or talking to her x was such a bad thing, and i said i can't believe that i was acting so crazy over nothing, it's not like you slept with him while you were with me, and the look on her face said it all, and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.

and now i can't sleep, i'm never hungry, i'm always mad, and to make matters worse, she always says that it was my fault, i've been crossed by someone i'm soposed to love.

it's like i love her and hate her at the same time, on top of everything else my dad came to see me recently and said that if my mom had'nt died on her own he would have killed her because she stole some of his money,and i don't think i can handle any more, is there anyone who can help me get my life back.

i don't want to do something that i might regret later, i have crazy ideas and schemes in my head and i'm not a fragile 10year old little kid anymore, i have to stay level headed to take care of my little sister 17yrs old.


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## merlin

Good luck dude. I don't have any advice but i hope you pull through it.


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## merlin

Good luck dude. I don't have any advice but i hope you pull through it.


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## Daniel

> ...and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.



I don't know if this occurred before or after the marriage.  Regardless, the emotional distance she experienced is one of the most common reasons/excuses for temporarily straying outside of a monogamous relationship.

Since you are having symptoms of depression (problems sleeping, decreased appetite, etc.), you may want to seek out counseling for yourself and/or marriage counseling.


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## Daniel

> ...and then she admitted it, once when i was being distant.



I don't know if this occurred before or after the marriage.  Regardless, the emotional distance she experienced is one of the most common reasons/excuses for temporarily straying outside of a monogamous relationship.

Since you are having symptoms of depression (problems sleeping, decreased appetite, etc.), you may want to seek out counseling for yourself and/or marriage counseling.


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## David Baxter PhD

Adding to what Daniel said, "getting over" an affair is not an easy thing for most people -- I think that's something else a therapist could help you with.


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## David Baxter PhD

Adding to what Daniel said, "getting over" an affair is not an easy thing for most people -- I think that's something else a therapist could help you with.


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## Daniel

Related Article: When Your Partner Cheats: Healing From Infidelity

Also:



> Whatever the reason for the affair, the effect infidelity has on a relationship is devastating.
> 
> "Nothing rocks a person's sense of self, trust, and marriage more than infidelity," says Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. "Infidelity leaves people questioning their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and about the viability of their marriage. Infidelity is crippling."
> 
> People find themselves crying a lot, not being able to concentrate, being upset, and feeling depressed.
> 
> "These are all of the initial emotions that go with the discovery of the betrayal," Weiner-Davis tells WebMD. "However, emotions change over time."
> 
> When the initial shock of an affair is over, then it is time for both people in the relationship to examine what role they played in letting the relationship slide down such a slippery slope...
> 
> _excerpted from_ Overcoming Infidelity - WebMD


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## Daniel

Related Article: When Your Partner Cheats: Healing From Infidelity

Also:



> Whatever the reason for the affair, the effect infidelity has on a relationship is devastating.
> 
> "Nothing rocks a person's sense of self, trust, and marriage more than infidelity," says Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. "Infidelity leaves people questioning their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and about the viability of their marriage. Infidelity is crippling."
> 
> People find themselves crying a lot, not being able to concentrate, being upset, and feeling depressed.
> 
> "These are all of the initial emotions that go with the discovery of the betrayal," Weiner-Davis tells WebMD. "However, emotions change over time."
> 
> When the initial shock of an affair is over, then it is time for both people in the relationship to examine what role they played in letting the relationship slide down such a slippery slope...
> 
> _excerpted from_ Overcoming Infidelity - WebMD


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## zanphere

*so.....*

i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???

and i found out she cheated before we got married, i told myself that it was a rough time in our relationship, it's over and i love her, and i looked at all the things she's done and sacrificed for me, and i layed it to rest.

about a 6 months later we got married, then i cought her lieing to me, nothing big, a little white lie, but then i started to think if something this small causes her to lie what else has she lied about.

and thats when everything came crashing back.

the thing that makes it even worse is that she told me i made her do it, we did'nt have sex for about a month, and i was always out, i got hit on all the time, i was offered one night stands, offers to be someones sex buddy and offers just to be friends with benefits, i turned them all down, mainly because i loved her and reguardless of what was going on i did'nt want to cheat on her and make it worse

the first person i ever loved died in a plane crash right before i came to america.

i told myself that i was never gonna love again because there was no replacement for what we had, we never had a real argument, she was like my female twin.

then i met mary and as much as i tried not to i fall in love with her i did, and now i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life, i don't know if it's possible to love someone and hate them at the same time but i feel like thats what i'm going through.

i my mind the only reason it would have been a problem for me to meet or talk to her x, is because she still had feelings for him, i honestly think she loves him more than me.


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## zanphere

*so.....*

i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???

and i found out she cheated before we got married, i told myself that it was a rough time in our relationship, it's over and i love her, and i looked at all the things she's done and sacrificed for me, and i layed it to rest.

about a 6 months later we got married, then i cought her lieing to me, nothing big, a little white lie, but then i started to think if something this small causes her to lie what else has she lied about.

and thats when everything came crashing back.

the thing that makes it even worse is that she told me i made her do it, we did'nt have sex for about a month, and i was always out, i got hit on all the time, i was offered one night stands, offers to be someones sex buddy and offers just to be friends with benefits, i turned them all down, mainly because i loved her and reguardless of what was going on i did'nt want to cheat on her and make it worse

the first person i ever loved died in a plane crash right before i came to america.

i told myself that i was never gonna love again because there was no replacement for what we had, we never had a real argument, she was like my female twin.

then i met mary and as much as i tried not to i fall in love with her i did, and now i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life, i don't know if it's possible to love someone and hate them at the same time but i feel like thats what i'm going through.

i my mind the only reason it would have been a problem for me to meet or talk to her x, is because she still had feelings for him, i honestly think she loves him more than me.


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## Daniel

> i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???



Yes, I would definitely do so if I were you.  I would find a therapist that specializes in marriage counseling.   

This is from the WebMD article "Overcoming Infidelity":



> Both Weiner-Davis and Turndorf emphasize the importance of a good marriage counselor or therapist, the support of family and friends, and ultimately each other, in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.


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## Daniel

> i just need to find a therapist then, should i bring her along???



Yes, I would definitely do so if I were you.  I would find a therapist that specializes in marriage counseling.   

This is from the WebMD article "Overcoming Infidelity":



> Both Weiner-Davis and Turndorf emphasize the importance of a good marriage counselor or therapist, the support of family and friends, and ultimately each other, in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.


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## zanphere

i'm in f.t lauderdale florida, do you know of any good marrage counselers im my area.

and also what will i have to expect fron them, in terms of price, and how often do we have to go.

i wanna see someone really bad, i can't look at her without picturing them together, she say's we should just put it in the past, but i read the article you posted and it said that the cheater often wants to just forget about it.

and she refuses to answer any of my questions about the guy, i know it her X but thats all i know.


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## zanphere

i'm in f.t lauderdale florida, do you know of any good marrage counselers im my area.

and also what will i have to expect fron them, in terms of price, and how often do we have to go.

i wanna see someone really bad, i can't look at her without picturing them together, she say's we should just put it in the past, but i read the article you posted and it said that the cheater often wants to just forget about it.

and she refuses to answer any of my questions about the guy, i know it her X but thats all i know.


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## Daniel

See: 
 The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: Therapist Locator
and
The Therapy Directory - PsychologyToday.com

The phone book, however, has the most listings. 

For prices, you probably have to call.  Prices do vary widely.


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## Daniel

See: 
 The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: Therapist Locator
and
The Therapy Directory - PsychologyToday.com

The phone book, however, has the most listings. 

For prices, you probably have to call.  Prices do vary widely.


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## Daniel

Some info regarding cost that seems accurate:



> So how much do marriage counselors charge? Rates vary from about $45 to $200 per session. The average is about $95. Since most marriage counselors see couples one session a week for the first three months, you can expect to pay about $1200 in that period of time if it's at about $95/hr. Most of my clients have paid under $1200 by the time they've completed therapy...
> 
> How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor - MarriageBuilders.com


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## Daniel

Some info regarding cost that seems accurate:



> So how much do marriage counselors charge? Rates vary from about $45 to $200 per session. The average is about $95. Since most marriage counselors see couples one session a week for the first three months, you can expect to pay about $1200 in that period of time if it's at about $95/hr. Most of my clients have paid under $1200 by the time they've completed therapy...
> 
> How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor - MarriageBuilders.com


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## David Baxter PhD

That may be an overestimate, though -- although I do prefer to see couples weekly at first, for the first 3-6 sessions, after that I generally stretch them out to 2 weeks and eventually 3-4 weeks, so that I can give them homework assignments on trying different ways of communicating, etc., and give them time to see how well it works.

I generally tell clients to plan on an average of 2 sessions per month over say a 6-8 month period (although of course not all couples will need that many sessions).


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## David Baxter PhD

That may be an overestimate, though -- although I do prefer to see couples weekly at first, for the first 3-6 sessions, after that I generally stretch them out to 2 weeks and eventually 3-4 weeks, so that I can give them homework assignments on trying different ways of communicating, etc., and give them time to see how well it works.

I generally tell clients to plan on an average of 2 sessions per month over say a 6-8 month period (although of course not all couples will need that many sessions).


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## zanphere

*thanks*

i'll go look now.................


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## zanphere

*thanks*

i'll go look now.................


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## zanphere

*well*

i talked to her about seeing someone to help our relationship, she said that she's not going, mainly because she did'nt think she did anything wrong, i made her do it.

and if i wanna go see a doctor i should, what do i do now, and why would she say that is she in deniel or something.

funny thing is i've been with her for about 4 yrs now, i'm 24 yrs old in 2005 and i never even thought of cheating on her, and i feel like i was an idiot for not cheating on her when i had the chance, i was called gay a couple of times because i turned down meaningless sex.


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## zanphere

*well*

i talked to her about seeing someone to help our relationship, she said that she's not going, mainly because she did'nt think she did anything wrong, i made her do it.

and if i wanna go see a doctor i should, what do i do now, and why would she say that is she in deniel or something.

funny thing is i've been with her for about 4 yrs now, i'm 24 yrs old in 2005 and i never even thought of cheating on her, and i feel like i was an idiot for not cheating on her when i had the chance, i was called gay a couple of times because i turned down meaningless sex.


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## David Baxter PhD

I suggest you go on your own. If you are going to remain in this relationship, you are going to need some coping skills. Once you start going, she may change her mind and accompany you. If not, you may want to consider whether you want to continue the relationship -- that doesn't seem like a good omen to me. Either way, I think you'd benefit from seeing a counselor.


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## David Baxter PhD

I suggest you go on your own. If you are going to remain in this relationship, you are going to need some coping skills. Once you start going, she may change her mind and accompany you. If not, you may want to consider whether you want to continue the relationship -- that doesn't seem like a good omen to me. Either way, I think you'd benefit from seeing a counselor.


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## zanphere

i asked around and everyone wants a bunch of money that i can't afford right now.

is there another alternitive, a couple of my friends told me to just go out and have some sex and it will make it a little better.

the way my head is right now i don't if i'm gonna stay with her or not.

the future is not on my mind right now, and i really think if i do hook up with someone else i might feel better.

i just can't see her as i once did, and she's not my whole world anymore.

i've been seeing girls as more than i use to. 

would some random sex help???


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## zanphere

i asked around and everyone wants a bunch of money that i can't afford right now.

is there another alternitive, a couple of my friends told me to just go out and have some sex and it will make it a little better.

the way my head is right now i don't if i'm gonna stay with her or not.

the future is not on my mind right now, and i really think if i do hook up with someone else i might feel better.

i just can't see her as i once did, and she's not my whole world anymore.

i've been seeing girls as more than i use to. 

would some random sex help???


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## David Baxter PhD

I doubt it. I don't think random sex helps anything. It certainly won't solve any of the problems in your relationship and if you now go outside the relationship to have sex with someone else you are simply repeating her mistake and basically telling her that what she did was okay.

You need to make a decision about your current relationship. That is the number one priority. And in order to be true to yourself and to your own values, you need to do that without resorting to infidelity. If you want to be with someone else, I think it is important to end the curent relationship first.


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## David Baxter PhD

I doubt it. I don't think random sex helps anything. It certainly won't solve any of the problems in your relationship and if you now go outside the relationship to have sex with someone else you are simply repeating her mistake and basically telling her that what she did was okay.

You need to make a decision about your current relationship. That is the number one priority. And in order to be true to yourself and to your own values, you need to do that without resorting to infidelity. If you want to be with someone else, I think it is important to end the curent relationship first.


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## Daniel

Your friends are giving you bad advice.  Random sex will only make things worse--in several ways.  For one, your wife would have reasons to mistrust you, adding another issue to the mix.  (There's also the increased risk of bringing home an STD even if you use a condom.)   

Seeing any therapist would be more helpful than nothing.  If you have health insurance, your health insurance may pay for the individual therapy, especially if you are depressed.   If you don't have health insurance with mental health coverage, there are many therapists in Ft. Lauderdale that charge sliding scale fees based on income.


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## Daniel

Your friends are giving you bad advice.  Random sex will only make things worse--in several ways.  For one, your wife would have reasons to mistrust you, adding another issue to the mix.  (There's also the increased risk of bringing home an STD even if you use a condom.)   

Seeing any therapist would be more helpful than nothing.  If you have health insurance, your health insurance may pay for the individual therapy, especially if you are depressed.   If you don't have health insurance with mental health coverage, there are many therapists in Ft. Lauderdale that charge sliding scale fees based on income.


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## zanphere

honestly the trust in the relationship is still there it's just not as strong as it used to be.

this actuall started about three years ago, she told me she was still friends with her X, and that was no problem for me i thought it was rare, but then again she was a virgin when she met him so i understood if she wanted him in OUR lives.

but when i asked over and over to meet him i got nothing, so right there i trusted her a little less, she always said that they would never be anything other than friends, even if we broke up, she went on to say that he has now become a player, and he proberly had aids or another std,and he's not the same person he was when they were together. but yet still they did'nt use a condom.

if this was true "why could'nt i meet him" i said and i just kept getting more and more pissed off, so i had a female friend and i made it look like me and her had something going on, she said she was hurt and turned to her x for comfort, so it's my fault, but she was doing the same thing to me.



> You need to make a decision about your current relationship. That is the number one priority. And in order to be true to yourself and to your own values, you need to do that without resorting to infidelity. If you want to be with someone else, I think it is important to end the curent relationship first.


i know i need to make a decision, but i don't want to be with someone else. 

i don't know if it has to do with the fact that she was the only one there for me when my mom died, and after what happend with my x and my dad, i did'nt trust no one, but she changed that, she got with me when i was living pay cheak to pay cheak, then i started making alot of money, and since sep 11 thing got real bad real fast, so i thought she really loved me for me.

it's like i'm the number one person in her life after him.


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## zanphere

honestly the trust in the relationship is still there it's just not as strong as it used to be.

this actuall started about three years ago, she told me she was still friends with her X, and that was no problem for me i thought it was rare, but then again she was a virgin when she met him so i understood if she wanted him in OUR lives.

but when i asked over and over to meet him i got nothing, so right there i trusted her a little less, she always said that they would never be anything other than friends, even if we broke up, she went on to say that he has now become a player, and he proberly had aids or another std,and he's not the same person he was when they were together. but yet still they did'nt use a condom.

if this was true "why could'nt i meet him" i said and i just kept getting more and more pissed off, so i had a female friend and i made it look like me and her had something going on, she said she was hurt and turned to her x for comfort, so it's my fault, but she was doing the same thing to me.



> You need to make a decision about your current relationship. That is the number one priority. And in order to be true to yourself and to your own values, you need to do that without resorting to infidelity. If you want to be with someone else, I think it is important to end the curent relationship first.


i know i need to make a decision, but i don't want to be with someone else. 

i don't know if it has to do with the fact that she was the only one there for me when my mom died, and after what happend with my x and my dad, i did'nt trust no one, but she changed that, she got with me when i was living pay cheak to pay cheak, then i started making alot of money, and since sep 11 thing got real bad real fast, so i thought she really loved me for me.

it's like i'm the number one person in her life after him.


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## David Baxter PhD

What is the significance of Sept. 11?


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## David Baxter PhD

What is the significance of Sept. 11?


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## zanphere

well i was working at a custom auto shop, but since sep 11, when the terrorist hit the twin towers, everyone slowed down on spending money, not right away but eventually they looked at a custom shop as unnessasary spending, the the shop closed and i ha to look for a new job.


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## zanphere

well i was working at a custom auto shop, but since sep 11, when the terrorist hit the twin towers, everyone slowed down on spending money, not right away but eventually they looked at a custom shop as unnessasary spending, the the shop closed and i ha to look for a new job.


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## hugsy

zanphere, i'm in south florida, too.   call nova university. they offer counseling on a sliding scale. there's a campus in ft lauderdale.

it's been my experience that when i'm confused and have many emotions i don't understand, it's better (for me) to stay away from getting involved romantically.  there's inner work to be done and talking to people helps me to see different points of view, which helps me figure stuff out. but it makes things difficult for me when/if it turns romantic and/or sexual.


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## hugsy

zanphere, i'm in south florida, too.   call nova university. they offer counseling on a sliding scale. there's a campus in ft lauderdale.

it's been my experience that when i'm confused and have many emotions i don't understand, it's better (for me) to stay away from getting involved romantically.  there's inner work to be done and talking to people helps me to see different points of view, which helps me figure stuff out. but it makes things difficult for me when/if it turns romantic and/or sexual.


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## Daniel

For more info on adult counseling at Nova University, there is an e-mail address and phone number at: Nova's Center for Psychological Studies


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## Daniel

For more info on adult counseling at Nova University, there is an e-mail address and phone number at: Nova's Center for Psychological Studies


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## zanphere

i'll contact them and see what they can do for me.

it even feels a little beter talking to you on the internet, so i know it will work.

i don't know if this ever happend to you but it feel like i'm the only one i can trust.


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## zanphere

i'll contact them and see what they can do for me.

it even feels a little beter talking to you on the internet, so i know it will work.

i don't know if this ever happend to you but it feel like i'm the only one i can trust.


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