# Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love



## Daniel (Sep 24, 2011)

Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love
By Randi Gunther, Ph.D.
Published in 2010
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Relationship Saboteurs - Book Review
_California  Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
_Reviewed by Mary Ewell

  The word neurotic is not used for the first 200 pages in this  incisive self-help book, which throws profuse light on the ways that  people stay stuck or don’t learn from one failed relationship to  the next. It is ostensibly addressed to the average layman/woman, yet it   has a rich and full toolbox of interventions for the therapist to use as   agents of change.

  Subtitled “overcoming the 10 behaviors that undermine  love,” Dr. Gunther lays the groundwork for the likely causes for  relationship sabotage and sets the stage for cognitive restructuring.  Each of the chapters focuses on a particular self-defeating pattern  (saboteur) that the reader can identify via family maxims or beliefs  that ring true by the emotional response that is elicited. The  relationship saboteurs are: insecurity/ anxiety, needing to control/win  at all costs, demanding center stage, fear of intimacy, pervasive  pessimism, addictions, compulsive defensiveness, martyrdom, and trust  breaking. These comprise the major issues that a therapist deals with  below the level of the DSM designation.

What is fresh about this book is that it doesn’t just advocate  to “think change,” it structures the change process through  the “Seven steps of recovery” that walks the reader through  activities that reinforce the motivation to stay the course. The process   is realistic, in that to alter deeply rooted habits takes discipline and   patience, yet it conveys hope that change is possible with focus and  commitment to new/alternate behaviors. The maladaptive behaviors are a  learned response, so the behaviors can be unlearned/revised. In  providing a seven-step change process, there is an accumulative learning   experience. A coaching/guiding kindness to oneself is conveyed that  offers self-scoring tests to gauge progress. Along with self-monitoring  strategies, the reader is incited to have at least one  “witness” with whom he/she is accountable for him/her to  resolve to reverse her pattern. A witness is someone chosen for his/her  objectivity and willingness to hold him/her to the goal he/ she  specified. A therapist may be selected for this role.

_Relationship Saboteurs_ augments and penetrates some of the current  research (John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, and some of the Solution  Focused authors for creating possible outcomes) with a deeper level of  inquiry. The author does best what a good therapist learns, to  skillfully and sensitively ask the best questions to evoke change,  involve the client in self-expression, and provide a feedback loop. It  is as if Randi Gunther were a tailor who knew how to cut along the bias  to create a very different effect. Having attended Randi Gunther’s   earlier workshops and been influenced by her as a mentor, I am grateful  to experience in these chapters the benefit of her wisdom from a  lifetime of successful private practice.

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The publisher's description of the book:



> Do you seek a healthy romantic relationship, but continue to find  yourself repeating the same negative behaviors that may have ended your  relationships in the past? Have you already identified destructive  patterns, yet continue to repeat them despite your desire for a strong  and lasting romantic relationship? If so, you are not alone.
> 
> _Relationship Saboteurs_ is an easy-to-follow guide that will help  you identify and end your relationship-destroying tendencies once and  for all. The book explores the ten most common relationship-undermining  behaviors and shows you how to overcome them. By understanding and  addressing the patterns that erode romance, you can learn to stop  sabotaging your love life and prepare yourself for the healthy romantic  relationship you deserve.
> 
> ...



From the book's introduction:



> Most people would think of relationship saboteurs as devious people  who try to gain personal advantage at their partners’ expense,  practicing obviously destructive behaviors that would endanger any  relationship.
> 
> This book is not about those intentional saboteurs or the pain they  cause. It is about well-meaning people who, often unknowingly, practice  certain subtle behaviors that undermine relationships over time.
> 
> ...


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