# Despair and hurt



## braveheart (Jul 6, 2007)

I have had about as much as I can take of my Complex PTSD. I am drained from constantly being under attack from my internal protector-persecutor. That Other me is .. awful. Abusive. Rejecting. Nasty. 
The sole result of years of emotional abuse and being victimised.
Its like some cruel joke.

I said something to hurt someone who matters a lot to me, yesterday. But I really was, deep down, trying to express how much I am hurting. I hope she understands.

I feel at the end of my ability to cope. 

It just seems to get worse.

There is no comfort, anymore. No soothing.
Just despair.

I'm scratching my arm again. I don't care really. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. 

Yet I have to be stronger than this Other me.

But I don't know if I can.

How can I be stronger than 10+ years of daily emotional assualt? How can I be stronger than all those years of ridicule, humiliation, rejection, neglect and torment? I don't know.

I feel worthless and desperately ashamed.

If I knew of a painless way out... 

Yet something stops me. Maybe I do still have some hope.

If only I could express how much I am hurting.
That is why I feel I need some physical sign. Some small scar. Something.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jul 6, 2007)

*Re: despair and hurt*

I am so, so sorry you endured so much abuse over such a long period of time. I know that has hurt you deeply. I definitely think there is hope for you. 

Does writing about how much you are in pain help at all? I think you expressed it very well here in this thread. I acknowledge your pain and hurt and wish it could be different for you. I hope things will get easier. 

I can relate to what you said about scratching yourself. Maybe try writing about the pain instead of inflicting pain on yourself. I know it's probably not that easy to write about, but it would be better than hurting yourself. 

:hug: :hug: :hug:


----------



## ThatLady (Jul 6, 2007)

*Re: despair and hurt*

Braveheart, I wish there were words to tell you how sorry I am you're feeling so low. The battle you're waging isn't an easy one, and courage is bound to flag now and then. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Heck, I'd be proud to have the courage you show, but I know that's hard for you to see.

The best I can do is to send you lots and lots of hugs. I know you can be stronger than the "other you" because the "other you" is dependent on the past for strength. You're in the here and now with all of us and the beauty of the world to draw on. It's just that, sometimes, it's hard to grasp it and we just get plain tired.

We care about you, Braveheart. Remember that. :hug: :grouphug: :hug:


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jul 6, 2007)

I'm going to quote your own signature, braveheart:

~be gentle with yourself, you just need some time to heal~


----------



## sister-ray (Jul 7, 2007)

sending you lots of hugs braveheart, wish there was more I could do or say to help!  Keeping you in my thoughts:hug::hug::hug:


----------



## braveheart (Jul 7, 2007)

Janet -- I'll try and express my feelings here. Warning - its not pretty.

I have urges to cut the words 'hate me' into my arm. 
I won't. I've never drawn blood. Yesterday's scratches are nearly gone. They helped for a while.

The pain.. what can I say that I haven't already?
All the books in the shops about painful lives and abuse are written by people who have been sexually abused. I wasn't. But what I went through was damaging too. Its just not recognised. The shadows I lived under, and which still haunt me. The tyranny of my father's dictatorial rule, and my mother's subservience, with seething, unexpressed bitter anger beneath.
The red wine running across the kitchen table when it got knocked over during a row. Running all over the papers and bills piled up there. 
My creeping, creeping away.
Will this never end?
I have never touched alcohol and never will.
It haunts me.
Dad's fake sociability when he drunk. Or his anger.

I had nothing to numb my pain.

Except dissociation.
I know how to do that.

And now she's taking that away from me and I can hardly bear it.

How can I face the world when I feel so raw?

There was noone there to protect me.

Wait, there is noone now to protect me.

But there is no danger.

Except I am fragmenting, cracking, sliding, falling, exploding inside.
And there is noone there to catch me.



> the "other you" because the "other you" is dependent on the past for strength. You're in the here and now with all of us and the beauty of the world to draw on.



ThatLady, that is exactly how it is. Thank you for putting it into words for me. I struggle with words right now.
The other night [before the extremely painful therapy sessions]I dreamt that I had been placed in a remedial English class. When I have an English degree. [as I do. in English and primary school teaching]. And I felt so trapped and humiliated and....

Retraumatisation... reenactment. Is hell.
I know.
I have been there.

David, thank you for the reminder. Its hard for me to connect with gentleness right now. Its like the inner sanctum of gentleness has been sucked dry and ransacked. Laid bare. 
But, yesterday when I was replying on another forum I felt some moments of empathy again. I thought I had lost my empathy, had lost myself, had lost everything, except this internal abuser who runs ragged and raged through the world destroying everything in its path... so noone can hurt me again.
And yet it hurts me like hell.
Why won't it listen?
Why?

tte, thank you....


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Braveheart, I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could think of gentle, soothing words that would cover the hurt. I hate that we have to go through our hurts over and over again sometimes. It makes living in the here and now so hard to have to do that, but yet it just seems to happen doesn't it? I know I "go back" a lot to the past without wanting to and it's very hard.

I think you are very brave and I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting so much right now. I wish for better days and for lots of strength for you. :hug:


----------



## braveheart (Jul 8, 2007)

Thank you Janet. 

I'm feeling somewhat calmer today. Am scared about therapy tomorrow though. But I went through hell in the past, so I'm strong enough to face it now, right? I hid from it then, but it haunts me still, and so there's no escape any more... 

I just hope she will go gently with me.


----------



## ladylore (Jul 8, 2007)

Hi Braveheart,
I hear you. Remember your feelings are valid, you were hurt. And as my counsellor reminds me: My feeling seem to be a reflection of who I am, they really are just feelings and they do eventually change...they do change as you said, calmer today  I use art to express my feelings as writing puts me further into the flashback, body memory.

And sometimes just focusing on my breathing really helps to ground me, when nothing else does. Just my normal breath, feeling the air go into my nostrils and feeling the exhale.

I wish I could take it from you, but that isn't possible, so I am told. But yes, be gentle with yourself - you deserve it.  I also use to cut, so I have empathy for that.

One other thing my counsellor said to me, "you can't put an orchid in the middle of the dessert and expect it to survive".  We are orchids, Braveheart.

Hugs

Ladylore


----------



## braveheart (Jul 9, 2007)

Ladylore, thank you. 

Today I had therapy, and we were able to talk through things calmly, empathically and reflectively, and its such a relief. I feel some hope.


----------



## ladylore (Jul 9, 2007)

It sounds like your coming around the bend from the despair, and I am happy for you about that.

Have a great day Braveheart.


----------



## braveheart (Jul 9, 2007)

Thank you. 

Its a big learning curve I am negotiating. again.


----------



## Halo (Jul 9, 2007)

Braveheart,

I am happy that you had a good session and that there is that glimmer of hope back again :hug:

Take care :heart:
Lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:


----------



## ThatLady (Jul 10, 2007)

Braveheart, you're anything but devoid of empathy. Empathy fairly shines in every post you make. You're doing good work, but the work is difficult. I'm continually amazed by the resiliancy shown by so many of you here. Despite the stresses and strains, you're in there - fighting like tigers. You never fail to impress me with your strength and your courage.

Hang in there. The light gets closer with every step you take forward. It's a beacon toward which you strive. :hug:


----------



## braveheart (Jul 10, 2007)

Halo and ThatLady, thank you.

I am touched and moved by your kind words.

I feel like I am in a bit of a 're-inventing' Katie stage now. Feeling alive and learning to contain that. Understanding that anger at my aliveness never having been met or welcomed when I was a child is perfectly natural and healthy for me to be feeling. Its a matter of being aware of that, observing and understanding and accepting and feeling safe with it...


----------



## Auburn (Jul 10, 2007)

My dear braveheart;

I wish I had more insight for you, but sadly, I am still trying to heal as well.  What I can tell you is that you are already showing a strength that many are still searching for.  I applaud you for that hun.  This "other you" that you speak of is not nearly as strong as you think it is.   I say this only because you have showed an understanding of this entity, for lack of a better word, and you also understand why this entity exists.  This "other you" is the one that harbours all the fear, anger and other emotions that have been far too difficult for you to handle or cope with.  I too have another me, not to the extent that you have, but I have always figured she was there to take so much of the burden that was far too hard for me to carry when I was so little and living in a place of chaos, fear and abuse.  I looked at her as stronger than me, but I realized that she was there to help.  She was an outlet.  Once I embraced that other side of me, it did seem to give me a bit of peace.  
I can only imagine how much you have had to deal with, and I wish I could help more.  Just know that coming in here has helped me so much, and I hope this sanctuary does as much for you.  We are here for you, lean on us.


----------



## braveheart (Jul 11, 2007)

Thank you so much, Auburn. I appreciate your perspective. I'll respond with more words later, if I can.


----------



## braveheart (Jul 11, 2007)

Unfortunately its really awful again.


----------



## Halo (Jul 11, 2007)

Braveheart,

Hang on the best you can, do something nice for yourself and try be gentle with yourself as your signature reminds us all everyday.

Lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:heart::heart:


----------



## braveheart (Jul 11, 2007)

I feel I'm losing myself again.

I'm not even sure I can care any more.

Scared. Can't live with that fear. Numb. Hurting. Scratches. Maybe then she'll see how much I hurt. 

Noone cares.

Alone.


----------



## Cat Dancer (Jul 11, 2007)

I'm sorry you're hurting and feeling so alone and scared. It's hard to have those feelings. Especially when they seem relentless, not letting up and you don't get much of a break. 

I care. I really do. I wish and hope things will be better for you very soon. That you can work through this pain and hurt and all these feelings of loss and losing yourself. That all sounds so difficult.

:hug: :hug: :hug:


----------



## Halo (Jul 11, 2007)

Braveheart you are not alone and I definitely do care.  I can't take away your hurt and pain but I can let you know that I understand and am here for you anytime.

When you are hurting and the pain feels overwhelming please remember this:

I care :heart:
I understand :heart:
I am here :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:


----------



## Auburn (Jul 11, 2007)

My dearest braveheart;

Just as Halo said, you are not alone.  I know that feeling, and I know how all consuming and relentless it can be, but you have to know that inside you is a strength.  You have proven that already by surviving your trauma.  Look inside yourself, see your beauty, see your strength and see your resilience.  It's there dear, just sometimes hidden.   Hold on tight to the knowledge that, although bruised and battered, you weren't broken.  And that you should be so very proud of.  You didn't let it break you.   And you can't let it break you now.  Lean on us, vent to us, cry to us, we are all here.  Halo said it best, so listen and lean.   I am lighting a candle for you tonite and sending any extra energy I have your way.   Much love and hugs coming to you from all of us.


----------



## braveheart (Jul 13, 2007)

Thank you. 

Therapy yesterday helped some. And I got out socially today, and am seeing a friend on Sunday. So I'm doing a bit better. Slept better last night, too. 

I guess it just comes in waves...


----------



## Holly (Jul 13, 2007)

Dear Braveheart,
I think your very brave for posting your feelings and pain.  I will be thinking of you during this time.  I think your name, shows you are brave and willing to put your heart into recovering.  Braveheart means so much and you mean and give so much to the members of the forum.  
Be gentle and kind to you ok during the difficult days.   I admire your courage and sharing this post.
take care Holly


----------



## braveheart (Jul 15, 2007)

Thank you Holly.


----------



## Auburn (Jul 15, 2007)

braveheart;

How are you doing hun??   I have just been thinking about you and wanted to touch base with you.  I hope today was maybe a bit brighter for you.  
~hugs~


----------

