# Jack Handy - Master of Quotes!



## Domo (Mar 1, 2010)

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?"

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak." 

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"

  	 "Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."

"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English."

"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." 

"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."

"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that."

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face"

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture."


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## Andy (Mar 1, 2010)

I have these in a little coffee table book. lol I just noticed I have one as an avatar as well. Jack Handy...was that SNL?


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## Domo (Mar 1, 2010)

Oh i am jealous! 


"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

Apparently he wrote for SNL and even did some stuff for a Canadian show - Jack Handey - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Murray (Mar 1, 2010)

Thanks for posting these Domo, you started my day off right- with a good laugh. I had forgotten all about Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.


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