# Google Maps adds 'Avoid Exes' route option



## David Baxter PhD (Aug 1, 2018)

*Google Maps adds 'Avoid Exes' route option*
by Lexa Graham, _CBC Comedy_
July 18, 2018



*STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—*Engineers  from Google Maps were in Stockholm, Sweden yesterday to accept the  Nobel Peace Prize for their humanitarian efforts in defusing awkward and  potentially explosive interactions between exes.

Stephanie  Williams, the intern who pitched the idea, was inspired after  unexpectedly bumping into her ex Alex, a freelance skateboarder.

"He was at _our _hotdog stand, where we had _our_ first kiss, putting _our_  toppings on another girl's Italian sausage. Can't I get some street  meat without the crushing reminder that my ex is happy without me? In  that moment I was ready to start an expensive and deeply destabilizing  international war," Williams explains.

The Avoid Exes feature  works by implementing an Ex-Radius, a circular danger zone, around the  person responsible for shattering your tender little meatsack.

When  one of your exes enters the established radius, the app sends an  electric pulse directly to your heart, to mimic both the heartbreak you  endured and the panic attack you would otherwise be having, had Google  Maps not just saved your ****ing life.
Google detects each of your  exes by using a disturbing amount of invasive permissions to scour your  social media posts and messages for near-constant interactions that  abruptly switch to tense silence, as well as hourly profile stalking.

The  app then calculates each ex's unique radius using an algorithm that  factors in the duration of your relationship, the frequency of  unnecessary couple selfies, and the number of intimate moments ruined by  bingeing Netflix crime documentaries.

The user can also set the  Ex-Radius manually, says Google engineer Frances Adedeji, who added,  "During beta testing, we found that people set a smaller Ex-Radius when  they were on a date with an attractive mate, were drunk and lonely, or  were looking to watch the world burn. We also found a direct correlation  between a large radius and a large number of stains on the user's  sweatpants."

The engineering team at Google Maps beat out a strong  crop of nominees for the Nobel prize, including the group responsible  for negotiating the freedom of the girls captured by Boko Haram, an  upper-middle-class high school teacher who reached inner city kids using  polka music, and a man who hand-stitched several icebergs back together  in an attempt to reverse climate change. The icebergs now act as a  hospice for starving polar bears.

Upon receiving the award,  Williams said, "we accept this Nobel Peace Prize on behalf of anyone who  has been affected by a surprise emotional landmine, and we hope the use  of this peacekeeping technology can keep the public safe from nation to  nation."


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## GaryQ (Aug 2, 2018)

Sheesh this cold/flu is really messing with my mind... had me going for the first paragraph. :rofl:


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