# Any thoughts?



## Kuroshashu (Dec 10, 2006)

Hello all,
I come to you in order to gather opinions about my mental state. Thanks in advance for any of you that contribute. I apologise if I go on or offend. This is all very awkward for me, as I'm somewhat known for discarding emotion and refusing to discuss it, save for some kind of wittism.

Anyway, to the issue, I'm depressed most of the time, however, any kind of deviation from the background-level depression is fairly quickly channeled into fury, where upon walls gain new holes, furniture gets upturned or, in a few extreme cases, I simply black-out. Notice I didn't say I fainted during these black-outs. Good reason for that phrasology, but as your moderator warns against graphic/upsetting stories, I'll leave your imaginations to fill the blanks.

I'm asshamed to say that I deal with these fluctuations by either alcohol or driving dangerously by way of release.

I'm afraid that, if I'm honest, I'd have to call myself a misogynist. Indeed, I cannot bear to look at a woman if I'm feeling down. Well, more so than usual. Indeed, I've only ever shed one tear and it was after I was dragged to a strip club by well-meaning friends. A note on that, while I only recall a single tear through-out my life, my memory is rather unreliable: I've only about three memories before age twelve and I often have to ask others to inform me about my own life, as recently as a few hours ago in cases.

Vocationally speaking, I'm afraid I'm a bit of a lost cause: about six months into basically anything, I feel too smothered and have to get out. The last time I managed to hold a job that long, I started driving to work and kept going, not stopping until three days and circa 3500 kilometres later.

Again, I do appologise for what must read as a long whine. Thanks for sticking with me as long as you have.

Kuroshashu.


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## Halo (Dec 10, 2006)

Kuroshashu

First of all I would like to welcome you to Psychlinks :welcome:
I am glad to have you here and to see you posting.

I read your post above and it was not a long whine, in fact I found it quite open and honest and I truly appreciate that.  I know that you came here to gather opinions about your mental state and although I am not a professional by any means, I can only speak from my experience.  You state that you are depressed most of the time but then describe what I would think of as anger and more specifically rage. Also the fact that memories or lack thereof and that people have to remind you of your own life even up to a few hours ago seems to be another major issue.  These two things seem to me to be the most predominant things from your post.

Have you or are you in therapy?  Have you consulted your doctor about this? If not, I would definitely think that it is time to do so.  

You are not a lost cause as you said, nobody is.  Everyone is helpable but I think only if they want to be helped.  As it seems like you do, I truly hope that you can and do find the help that is out there for you.

Take care 
Nancy


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 10, 2006)

Thank you Nancy.
No, I've not seen a doctor nor a psychologist. Due to various mis-adventures and my tendancy not to hold jobs terribly long, the cash to do so isn't.


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## Halo (Dec 10, 2006)

I understand that the need for cash can and sometimes does create a problem when looking for help but many cities have mental health clinics that are available for free but this of course depends on where you live.  Have you thought of checking your local phone book for clinics like this in your area?  It might be worth a look.  Also if you tell me what country you live in (not that you have to, no pressure at all) I might be able to find the national phone number or website for further resources.


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 10, 2006)

I live in Australia. More specifically, Melbourne.


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## Halo (Dec 10, 2006)

I have done some searching around and here is what I came up with.  

If you take a look at this post http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=4661 the 5th post down lists some good university references which as far as I understand most provide psychological services cheaper and they are not necessarily just for students.

Also this is the Mental Health Council of Australia website which I am sure has some great resources and contact information.  The website is http://www.mhca.org.au/.  Another one is this website run by the government http://www.health.gov.au/internet/wcms/publishing.nsf/Content/Mental+Health+and+Wellbeing-1

If I find anymore, I will post them for you.  I hope some of these links are helpful.
Take care


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 10, 2006)

Thanks. I'll look into these.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Dec 10, 2006)

Hi Kuroshashu

 What a cool name! 

Welcome to the forum, like Nancy said - it didn't seem to be a whine to me at all (not if you've seen some of my pointless rants ) and I hope you get the help, care and advice that you are seeking. 

I just wanted to point out, that if you are depressed most of the time, then the fury/rage could be a way of coping when the depression gets to be too much for you. 

Referring to the lack of ability to hold down a job, may I ask roughly how old you are?  Do you feel that the jobs that you have had in the past were jobs that you were interested in at all?  I mean, if you got a job that you really liked, do you feel that you would still have the urge to leave after a while?

I would also recommend trying to see someone to talk to.  I would approach your doctor and see if he/she can help you with directions of therapists/councellers.  I know that in Australia they have free youth councellers for people under 18, and so I am wondering if there may be some other options for you if you are over that age too.


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 10, 2006)

Thank you for your kind words.
Yeah, the thought has previously occured, although it's a long way from being a convienient or suitable coping mechanism.
I am 21. I've had jobs I've quite enjoyed, particularly if you count university student as an occupation. I loved university until near the six-month point, whereupon I tried to take a deferrment and ended up being kicked out due to a clerical error. The other job I enjoyed was refridgerated warehouse work; that was the one from which I ran 3500 kilometres to Queensland. Good question though, I'm not really sure what the answer is. 'Probably' is my best guess.
Heh, I don't really have a doctor, having been raised to believe that nothing short of decapitation is worthy of a doctor's attention, but I plan on seeing some kind of professional once the fiscal situation allows.
Oh, by the way, a bit of an update since this thread was opened. I've just lost my job and actually managed runny eyes after some effort. Not crying, but it's a step in the right direction. For those who also have that problem (is it a problem? Should I be trying to cry?), the song responsible is 'Mad World' by Gary Jules.
Cheers all.
Kuroshashu.


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## Rosa (Dec 10, 2006)

just wanted to add a hi and welcome to the boards.  Sorry to hear of your loss of you job,  I'm sure this situation must be very frustrating for you.  I'm thinking crying is good as its a way to release some pent up emontions, so I think your being able to cry is a good thing.
Hope things improve for you soon and that your able to find someone who can work with you and help you sort these things out. 
In friendship
Rosa


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## ThatLady (Dec 10, 2006)

It's good to have you here with us! Welcome to Psychlinks! 

It sounds like you've been having a pretty difficult time for quite awhile now. The suggestions for ways to obtain therapy and help are good ones, and the sites given for follow-up should help you. Nancy is really good at ferreting out things on the web that we can all use, no matter where we are. 

If you can get yourself hooked into a therapy program, you should notice some major changes in your life. You can learn better coping mechnisms, and how to deal with the times when nothing seems to work out right. We've all had 'em, believe me, mate! 

Just hang in there and keep posting. This is a great place to vent your frustration and know you won't be judged and found lacking. Amongst all of us, there's usually someone who's had a similar experience and can offer some concrete advice on things to try. The most important thing, though, is that we all care about one another and our efforts are sincere. That's a big plus!

Again, may I welcome you to our family. :grouphug:


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 17, 2006)

Hello all,
  It's been a little while since my last post, so I thought some kind of update is in order. I've lost my home and have had to move back with my parents, although I plan to be gone before one of them gets back. I've lost the car I was using, having lost my car a month or so previously. Oh, and I destroyed my brother's push-bike whilst riding it on the roads down the hills in the middle of the night whilst drunk. Hit a car after loosing too much grip around a downhill, hairpin corner. I got away with only bruises, presumably because of the alcohol, but I feel myself drawn to repeating that night's fun. It's like I only feel alive if it's only luck that's keeping me so. I've just found a cheap motorbike I can afford and I need a new vehicle, so I want it. But, the problem is this habit is probably going to be terminal, so I'm afraid to buy it in the same way that an alcoholic probably doesn't keep alcohol in the house.
Problematic.
Tried to go out with some friends on the weekend, but it sort of ended in disaster. I've some kind of problem with my eyes whereby they hurt constantly. I think this maybe related to the crying thing, but anyway, the only relief I've found is to wear sunglasses. Both as a windbreak and to tint the light. This prompts many a snide remark from smart-arses and I ended up leaving an hour or so after I'd arrived after one remark to many. As a point of interest, I then drank another 1.7 litres of bourbon and coke and went on the afforementioned ride.
Well, I think you're right, ThatLady, that does feel a little better.
Cheers all. Interpret that as literally as you like.
Kuroshashu.


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## Into The Light (Dec 17, 2006)

i am glad you were able to get some of this out of your system by posting here, kuroshashu. it sounds like you're having quite a difficult time and are doing a lot of self-destructive things. have you considered seeing your gp as your first point of contact into the healthcare system? he/she may be able to refer you to get some help that is funded, so that you need not worry about the cost.


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## ThatLady (Dec 17, 2006)

I'm glad you found the ability to vent provided some relief. It usually does, even if that relief is usually short-lived when the underlying problem is still around to cause problems.

I'm glad you weren't hurt in the mishap with the push bike. How did your brother react to having his push bike destroyed? I wouldn't imagine he was too pleased. 

I really hope you can find a way to get some help, Kuru. You're on a nasty path to nowhere, and you may need help to get off it. In the meantime, we're here to listen. :hug:


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 29, 2006)

Hello all,
 Another update, if I may be so self-indulgent. A little background information maybe required though. I've never had much of a romantic life, being too afraid to allow any such situation to develop. After all, as I may've mentioned, I can be quite violent. Given the degree to which I'm told I resemble my father and the misery he inflicts upon those close to him, I tend to figure that I'd rather do people a favour and keep my distance. By way of illistration, this man lost his temper in an episode disturbingly similiar to mine and chased his family out the the house with a loaded shotgun, leading to a 15 hour stand off with the police. My nose and teeth are still crooked from another such instance. Hence, I'd long ago decided that, while every effort should be made to limit my resemblence to him, that I should never be in a position to inflict that kind of pain. Also, I've been rather gun-shy since the first and last person with whom I was intimate immediately thereafter attempted suicide a number of times. Anyway, I decided to part with this rule for the first time, having been introduced to an extraordinary individual, albeight through the medium of MSN messenger. She's in another country and was introduced to me by a mutual friend in order to entice me to move. The expatriation fell through and I'm still here, but she's moving here instead in a matter of months. Anyway, about a week ago, she excommunicated me, which I found out today by a slip of the tongue/finger of the mutual friend. It's nothing really, but still rather a blow.
 Anyway, I was rather down at this revelation and at the general cheeriness of this season, so I'm afraid I reacted by a little drunken night riding. About half an hour into this ride, I found that I was sort of chanting "I don't want to live" under my breathe, as a sort of sub-concious mantra, which didn't exactly cheer me up ;P By the time I returned home, about an hour and a half later, I was in fairly good spirits again, but the whole episode left me somewhat rattled, hence this so-called update, which is beginning to read more like some kind of whinning boast. However, it is too long to edit, so I'll post and be done with it. If any of you have made it this far, thanks for your patience and thanks for your interest.
Kuroshashu


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## Daniel (Dec 29, 2006)

> so I'm afraid I reacted by a little drunken night riding.



As you know, this is more than self-destructive behavior.  This is not caring about other people since drunk driving is a disregard for human life in general.   You need to get your priorities in order.  Romantic love is overrated compared to the general happiness that is possible from being engaged in the world.


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## Into The Light (Dec 29, 2006)

kuro, any luck yet in discussing things with your doctor?


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## Daniel (Dec 29, 2006)

BTW, I mistook "drunk riding" for "drunk driving" and I don't know if you were riding a motorcycle -- which would be the most dangerous -- or just riding a regular bike.    Regardless, it's obviously still dangerous.



> I got away with only bruises, presumably because of the alcohol, but I feel myself drawn to repeating that night's fun. It's like I only feel alive if it's only luck that's keeping me so.



This seems like manic behavior if you ask me, so you may want to get screened for bipolar disorder.


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 29, 2006)

Yeah, I wondered about bipolar disorder since having read it's definition in the one the other recent threads.
I've no doctor, having never really had any dire need for one.
No, it's was only a push-bike, I still haven't gotten my motorbike.


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## Daniel (Dec 29, 2006)

Certainly, you are in need of a doctor and/or therapist now, especially since you are self-medicating with alcohol.    Depression and intoxication can be a fatal combination.  People with depression should not drink alcohol since alcohol is a depressant and can increase the risk for suicide, violence, recklessness, etc.


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## Kuroshashu (Dec 29, 2006)

As weak as this sounds, even to me, I drink, drive etc, because it's quite effective a release and some kind or release is required from time to time. Granted, a safer release would be preferable but, as previously mentioned, may also be a contradiction in terms.
Yes, I'm aware that a psychologist is nessicary, but I'm in rather dire straights finacially at the moment, so it's going to have to wait for some time yet.


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## ThatLady (Dec 29, 2006)

Isn't there any provision where you live for therapy for those who can't afford to pay, Kuro? You really do need some help to deal with all the things you're trying to deal with, both past and present.

As Daniel said, alcohol is a depressant, so it's just making things worse in the long run. It sounds like you really want to be a part of things, and to have someone as part of your life, even though you're afraid to try. With your background, the fear is understandable and even commendable. Yet, what you fear doesn't have to be. Anger management can be learned, and bipolar disorder (if that's the problem) can be treated. Life can be enjoyable for you, but it sounds like you're going to need some professional help to realize the joy of living. :hug:


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## Into The Light (Dec 29, 2006)

i would like to suggest you find yourself a family doctor, since you do not have one, and take it from there. i am not sure how the health system works in australia and if you are going to run into waiting lists or not, but it would be well worth the effort to get one. a doctor may then be able to further help you with resources for those who can't afford the costs associated with therapy.


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## Daniel (Dec 29, 2006)

From what I just read at the Australia goverment site, Medicare is "accessible and affordable to all Australians, often provided free of charge at the point of care." (Source)

Related Link:
 Medicare Australia - Our Services


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 29, 2006)

Canada (and the UK) also has medicare that is "accessible and affordable to all [citizens], often provided free of charge at the point of care"... in theory.

In practice, it means that if you can't afford a private psychologist, you will be on a waiting list for government funded services for 1 to 2 years typically. And the situation has become worse over the past decade and continues to deteriorate today.


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## Kuroshashu (Mar 18, 2007)

Hello all.
It's been quite a while and I think I've missed updating this string. Well, I've had a couple jobs since and they've all gone pear-shaped. I was a pipe-courier for a week until I realised that the boss, in addition to asking me to do things that could loose my license and calling upwards of thirty times a day, was withholding pay secretly. He now thinks I live in South Australia. Problem is, I need a certificate from him to claim social security or health care. Interesting catch really. I've tried to talk to office into granting some leniency and, while they're happy to do so, the computer's programmers responsible for their systems never foresaw this possibility and so my claim is canceled within seconds. This comes with a series of nasty side-effects. Without some kind of income, I cannot find alternate housing and so am forced to remain with my father, a great source of depression. Additionally, I cannot buy any alcohol or petrol, which happen to be my favourite pastimes. Oh, I did come into some money a week ago, but I'm afraid I blew it on prostitutes and alcohol. A little bit of background if I may, I attended the most elite high school in my state and, by extension, my nation. I took all the difficult scientific courses and graduated with all sorts of honours, despite having repeated the second last year due to a mental break-down. Now, two years later, all my friends are half-way to being doctors, scientists, sociologists, psychologists and the like, while I can't hold a job stacking pallets. Quite a depressing thought, isn't it? **** it, I need a drink.


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## Kuroshashu (Mar 31, 2007)

Well, it seems I've done it now. I've no idea how it happened, but apparantly tonight was the last straw for my friends. I don't know how it happened, but I got separated from them and ended up sleeping in a doctors garden while they looked for me for several hours. I'm now banned from drinking at their houses or whille with them. Oh well, **** it. I can live without them. Although I am out of vodka. I just don't get the big deal though. So I vanish. So what? For all they know, I picked up and was enjoying a romantic evening with some delightful woman. Granted, that's unlikely in the extreme, but all the same....
Bah, **** them all.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 31, 2007)

I wonder if your friends are opting out of what for them is an enabling relationship where they see you self-destructing in front of their eyes.

Perhaps you need to seriously consider your alcohol use. You said before you can't afford or can't find a therapist, but AA is free for everyone. That might be a starting point.


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## Into The Light (Mar 31, 2007)

> So I vanish. So what?


well, personally, i would be extremely upset if i lost one of my friends during a night out and had no idea what happened to them. i would be worried sick. 

i think david's suggestion is a good one. you need to take care of yourself. in the end we all are responsible for our own lives. i hope you will consider it. you're worthy of having a healthy, happy life.


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## Kuroshashu (Mar 31, 2007)

Yeah, you may have a point there David Baxter. Damn. That was one of the points on which I swore that I'd never follow my father's wretched example, yet here we are. I suppose all is not lost. I'm still invited to the event of the month; Hayley's 21st, on the proviso that I don't drink before/during or after. How does one unwind after a hard week of wishing death upon thine nearest and dearest though, if not through massive amounts of alcohol? Heh, re-reading that sentence, I'm now convinced that AA maybe the way. Oh well, ce la vie. 
By the way, what do you mean by enabling relationship?


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 31, 2007)

An enabler is someone who, by inaction or failure to take action to curb an undesirable or destructive behavior, by accepting the undesirable or destructive behavior, implicitly encourages that behavior.

In other words, if your friends do not forbid you to drink while around them, they are in effect encouraging you to do so, or at the very least saying they're okay with it. If they really care about your welfare, that's obviously not a message they want to give you.


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## Kuroshashu (Mar 31, 2007)

Wow, I suppose that makes me an enabler of all sorts of nasty things. Although, that also makes Britain an enabler of the Third Reich, so I've nothing to be asshamed of I suppose.
Yeah, my friends are extraordinary people. I suppose they've a point.


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## Kuroshashu (Apr 20, 2007)

Well, here we are. Update time again. I've found a place to move away from my family, which is always a positive move. That's not really fair, but still true. I've also found a job and I'm earning a reasonable wage and, quite astonishingly, my employers impressed enough to keep asking me back. My friends appear to have relented on the anti-me boycott that was in effect. Also, I've gone a fortnight without an alcoholic beverage, although this being the end of the week, I've now broken that record-breaking straight. Strange notion that, having a drink in honour of not having a drink... At any rate, one might go as far as to say that things are, for the time being, looking at. A few problems remain; I seem to have contracted (if that's the word) insomnia, having slept only about 7 hours in the last four days, but it's not having too great an effect. No bother. I still find myself rather drawn to the trees on the side of the road while driving though and it's still rather common for me to find myself saying "I don't want to live" like it were some kind of mantra. My facial ticks have come back after quite an absence, but that's not a problem per se. Anyway, good day to one and all.
Kuroshashu.


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## ThatLady (Apr 20, 2007)

It's great to hear you've found a place to move, Kuro! That's not only going to give you a new start, it will give you things to do and think about that will help to keep your mind, and time, occupied.

It's also good to hear you went an entire fortnight without a drink! Even if you slipped a bit at the end, that's still an accomplishment of which to be very proud. Today's a new day and a new start. :hug:


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## Kuroshashu (May 20, 2007)

*Sigh* well I've started fantasising about chewing lead, which I suppose is a definite turn for the worse. It's been three weeks since I've had work, I'm out of money, my car's windshield's been smashed and a gas company is, after mis-interpreting my perfectly simple request to cancel my supply, is now trying to charge me money I don't have for gas I didn't use. Oh, and a kitten is chewing my lip. And now I face an interesting dichotomy. This has turned into a senseless whine that you don't want to read, but I feel mysteriously impelled to post it. Anyway, worry ye not, for in this country firearms are rather difficult to come by. Well, that's a lie, I've a license with which I could buy one with little hassle. Now there's a thought I wish I hadn't had.


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