# So much pain



## Cat Dancer (Jun 15, 2013)

I am just in so much pain inside. Tears are in my eyes but I am not letting myself cry. I am upset and very, very uncomfortable in my own self.  I feel that I deserve so much punishment, severe punishment.  Just fighting this. It's really hard.


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## GDPR (Jun 15, 2013)

What do you feel like you need to be punished for?


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 15, 2013)

How weak I am. That I don't belong. So many things. The depression.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 15, 2013)

See Scrupulosity.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 15, 2013)

No hun you are not weak  you have fought and are still fighting hun and winning ok   I am sorry those thoughts  come to you  i feel that way too sometimes hun but remember the thoughts are not true ok   hugs


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## MHealthJo (Jun 16, 2013)

The thoughts are not the truth CD...... 
they are just incorrect thoughts to ignore.......
try to accept that idea......
ask your therapist to teach you how to ignore the thoughts and see through them more....... 

xx

---------- Post Merged at 10:37 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:35 PM ----------

And please make sure you read Dr Baxter's Scrupulosity thread, okay
...... xx

---------- Post Merged at 10:56 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:37 PM ----------

...
also, maybe it would be better if you did cry?
We have the physiological process of crying for a reason. 
It is supposed to be used. It is healthy and good to cry.

If anyone has told you something else, they were wrong and dumb and didn't know what they were talking about.

The wrong things you have been told... maybe it is really time to stop paying attention to those things and those people.......
xx


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 16, 2013)

Everything is not about OCD. Some of it is related to things happening in my life at the moment and some of it is the depression I am having trouble dealing with. I don't even feel like I'm having much problem with OCD right now. It's other things.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 16, 2013)

Not ALL about OCD, no. But the nature or form of your negative thoughts are from depression distorting your perceptions and OCD transforming them into the specific thoughts babout what you need to do to cope with life. Read that Scrupulosity thread.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 16, 2013)

Yes, that does fit.  It seems hopeless because the thoughts are relentless. And I feel worn down.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 16, 2013)

Cat Dancer said:


> It seems hopeless because the thoughts are relentless. And I feel worn down.



Yes. That's the OCD/scrupulosity part. Like it never stops and never gives up pushing you down.

But this is the most important thing you need to be working on in therapy now. It overlaps with and sabotages everything else. Perhaps you should ask your therapist whether he thinks he is the right person to help you with this.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 16, 2013)

I think it IS time to be done with therapy.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 16, 2013)

I read your post hun  and i swear my mind thinks like yours  but we both know  that therapy is so important

  Therapy gives us hope in a way that  we are doing something positive to help ourselves.

  I would not let that thought win ok    you continue with your therapist  you give yourself the care you deserve and need  hugs


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 16, 2013)

But if my therapist ISN'T really helping me, then there is no point to therapy and I will NOT go to someone else and tell them all the stuff I have told him. I will not do that. I can't go through that again. It's too much.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 16, 2013)

Who said your therapist isn't helping you?

Here is what I said:




> Yes. That's the OCD/scrupulosity part. Like it never stops and never gives up pushing you down.
> 
> But this is the most important thing you need to be working on in  therapy now. It overlaps with and sabotages everything else. Perhaps you  should ask your therapist whether he thinks he is the right person to  help you with this.



and what I had in mind is bringing this to his attention, not as the only issue, but as the overriding issue in order for you to make progress.

I suspect that you go from one issue to the next depending on the particular crisis or worry that week. I am suggesting that a more concerted push toward working on the OCD/scrupulosity issues would be more productive.

Perhaps you could print this thread and take it to him for the next appointment.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 16, 2013)

Sometimes  we don't see the benefits hun  but they are there they are  I hope you do as Dr Baxter has ask you to do  Print off what he told you ok and give it to your therapist hun  Do that ok  something you can work on with him  hugs


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 16, 2013)

I don't think any kind of therapy can help me.  My mind is too shut down and clogged up with crap to be helped. My husband would be happier if I quit therapy anyway. I just have to get the courage up to quit because I really do like my therapist and have felt like he is a lifeline, but maybe he's done more harm than good. I really don't know. I don't know anything really.


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## Banned (Jun 16, 2013)

I don't think quitting therapy is a good idea, or even an option for you, CD.  You need to keep going.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 16, 2013)

I know it is hard especially when you do not have your husband support with therapy.  You hun need to look after YOU ok  don't let husband feeling come into this ok You need support to keep stable please don't give that up  I too am fighting thoughts like you are hun  and i know it is hard  but please talk to your therapist ok  who will help  you hun


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## MHealthJo (Jun 18, 2013)

David Baxter said:


> Who said your therapist isn't helping you?
> 
> Here is what I said:
> 
> ...



I totally agree with this.

The OCD confuses you about everything CD, and controls you a great deal and minimizes good thinking processes and general progress and health.

It is not that your therapist hasn't helped - BUT what it is is, is that OCD needs focused, structured, ongoing specific work for a period of time. 

DEFINITELY ask your therapist for that. By asking in those words, or by showing this thread.

It'll open up tons of new possibilities and hope for you. 

Do it! 

xox


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## icthus (Jun 19, 2013)

Cat Dancer, you may want to peruse the TOC and a few interior pages of Martin Lloyd-Jones's _Spiritual Depression _on Amazon to see if it might be for you.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 19, 2013)

I did go to therapy this week and it was a good session. We talked a lot about ocd and the four steps and how to deal with the thoughts. I guess I just get really tired and discouraged sometimes.


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