# Listen to my last dating story...what a mess!



## Me and myself (Jan 16, 2007)

Hi, my friends

I'm new here and I've decided to post my story here because I need to make my feeling out of me. I'm sorry for my english...sometimes it's not good enough, but I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say.
Well, my story is simple and complicated, at the same time.
I met this girl in the internet. She was a girl that I knew, not personally, but from a local bar where I used to go. I've found her profile in a friendship site and sent her a message. She replied and we start talking through MSN. 
We talked for 2 or 3 months and never met personally 'cause I've stoped to go to that bar where she used to be. My lack of self-acceptance made me act this way. Anyway, we continued to talk and I invited her to go on vacations with me and a friend (male friend). To my surprise, she accepted and went with us, together with a friend of hers (female friend).
So, basically, we got more involved personally during those vacations and she seemed to me as an interesting girl. Funny, inteligent and really sexy.
What happened next was that she start to have feelings for me but I never noticed that.
The vacations ended and we stopped to communicate for a month or so...but after, we start to talk again on the MSN. She started to ask me if I was not interested in meeting her, that I never called her again, etc,etc. For the first time I felt something was going on from her side. That gave me some confidence and we start to go out on the weekends. That lead us to start a relation.
That's when I start to really know her. I always felt some inferiority complex near this girl and was never 100% confident to show her my feelings but when we start our relation I was very happy and felt confident enough to make it good. But that was only the beginning of a way down.... 
She always told me she didn't want a long and serious relation but...you know....you always think that you'll meke her chenge her mind, as soon as she start to know you better.
Everything start to wnet donwn on the first time I went to her home. We were already in the preliminars of a sex night when she told me she had something to tell me. And what was it?
She had been sleeping with her ex-boyfriend until then. I knew about him 'cause she had told me before, while we were talking on the MSN. On that time she told me he has was one of the most important persons in her life but they had some problems and she gave him up and he was not important anymore.
Well, if he was not important anymore why was she sleeping with him. All my insecurity and defenses start to rise.
In my mind I decided to finish the relation right there. But I didn't....
I kept dating her, feeling insecure, never showing what I was feeling but, curiously, I was able to talk about it with her. All my insecurities, fears and the way I am were put in words but not on gestures. So, she knew exactly what I was feeling.
Some other problem start to come out, increasing my insecurity...she didn't wanted her friends to see us together. She said her relations were always brief and she didn't want that some people, who knew her, start to think that she was dating with a lot of guys. At that tie it seems to me as a plausible reason and I accepted it (but that made me feel a bit strange about this relation).
She always wants to go to a disco where she always goes at Fridays and Saturdays (and where the ex boy friend goes too). She said she fells good there, and that the music makes her forget all her problems. "Why don't you talk to your friends when you have a problem?", I asked her. "I don't need anyone, I have my music to solve my problems". That didn't made any sense at all to me. 
I live 160 kms away from her (that's 100 miles) so we could see each other only at the weekends. Let me tell you how our weekends were....She gets up at 16:00, sometimes 17:00 'cause she goes to sleep very late due to the disco at night. We meet, go out for a coffee, have dinner, go to her place until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning and then she goes always to the same bar to meet her friends. And I was going home...I was never much of a "disco guy".
This was not really a satisfaction for me but I wanted her to live as she wants, I didn't wanted to make her feel constraint.
At this point, all my defenses and insecurities were almost 100% alert and I was acting in accordance with that.
That's when she told me she had a reunion dinner of an online group of people who goes to the disco I told you before. I didn't say nothing 'cause I was expecting her to invite me to go with her. A week passed and, at the night before, she asked me if we could meet together the next day, before she goes to the dinner. I told her I was expecting her to invite me but she told me she could not because a male friend of hers asked her to go with her and she accepted the invitation. By other hand, in her own words, "I was not part of the group so it makes no sense at all for me to go.".
That time, I've made up my mind, I was going to finish this relation. And so I did the next day. I told her I was not feeling very confortable about how the things were going between us. She didn't say a word and I left.
A few days passed and, 4 days later I found her at MSN. She told me the usual things, she liked me, and so on....
So we carry on seeing eah other at the weekends, as we used to, for more 15 days. During that time I asked her if she ever had been in a 4x4 Off Road trip (one of my hobbies). She said no and I asked her to go with me the next day. It was ok for her 'cause this event was suposed to start at 14:00 in the afternoon, so she could sleep. She accepted but, when I woke up I had her msg in the phone saying that she went to sleep very late and that she couldn't go because she needs to sleep. "When I don't sleep enough I get vey annoying and I'm shure you don't want someone like that near you." that's what she said to me later.
I didn't call her and, when she got up, she called me, asking for sorry and that she wants to meet me at night, when the trip was over. I went to see her and I was feeling completely in anger with her. I told her everything in an agressive manner. That was the result of being accumulating all the things I've told you before.
I even told her she was very cold with me, never showing any affection for me. During that conversation we concluded that we were very similar, i.e., each one of us was waiting for the other. Someone needs to brake "the ice" and show some affection so that te other could fell more confident.
A week passed and when we met the next weekend, she asked me what was our situation, in a relation or just friends. She told she needs to know that so that she knows how to act with me. We agreed to be just "coloured friends", i.e., friends who were sleeping together once in a while (she told me she has some friends with whom she does that).
I start to think about it and, basically, after I broke up with her, we continue to go out as we used to, but only as friends. That was not good enough for me and, deep in my mind, the "coloured friends" thing was not good for me because I really liked her.
So I decided to stop calling her to see what she was going to do. 3 days later she called me completely mad and told me she could not accept that I didn't called her for all that time. She told me I could go away from her (I always told her that when a relation finishes I always go away from the other person) and that the "coloured" thing was not valid anymore. I said OK, and turned off the phone.
Since that day, we talked a bit on MSN, but always with a hidden ressentment climate, at least from my side.
On the XMas night, I texted her some messages saying I didn't like to be so apart and ungry with her. I also told her that if I could go back intime, I would do everything in another way, a better one. She replied saying that it would be beautifull.
The next days I didn't stop texting her with romantical msgs. She always replies to me she really liked me, she liked my integrity and honesty, etc.
The message flow went until the New Years Eve when she told me to go to the bar where she will be (I was alone at home) but I decided not to go. I wouldn't feel very confortable if I would go 'cause she was there with her friends and not only with me. Basically, she was the only person I knew there.
A few days later, I invited her for a coffee and asked her to start it all again. She was surprised and said no. She said I'm too cold, I made her things that she didn't accept (the "didn't call her" episode), that we have different life styles, etc. I tried to tell her that I was ready to put all my fears away, even if that might take a big effort from me but her answer was "You cannot do it. You have already shown me how you are and you'll never change!".
She asked me what I was going to do next. "Are we going to stop seeing each other?" "Will you never call me back again?". I told her I dodn't know what to do.
She get out of the car and I waited her to go inside her house, but she didn't. She kept there waiting, I don't know why. I was thinking she would change her mind and comes after me but that didn't happend. So I leave....
Another week has passed without any contact until she called me on the Saturday. She wanted to know how I was going. We talked for a while, she asked me when will I go to the bar where she always goes. I said "I don't know!" and asked her to take a coffee with me the next day. Her voice tone seemed disapointed. Maybe she was expecting me to ask her out for that same afternoon.
So, I went out with her, we talked about trivial things and nothing more. Maybe she was waiting for my call the weekend after but I didn't.
Today, 15 days have passed since our last coffee and I decided to "really" let it go. I'm trying not to put any expectations, I've been working on the things I realized I was wrong, talked with some friends about it, etc. I continue to use MSN not so often as I did before. I don't want to talk with her for a while, at least until this feeling go away. I connect MSN and can see her online and disconnect it right after.
Secretly, I am hoping that we can meet in, let's say, a few months, and start to talk again and maybe things go on the right path. I know it might be difficult to happen but I'm trying to put not many expectations on that.
I've been going out at the week ends, going to bars to watch some live music, avoiding all the places where she might be. I've been doing it with the same friend that went with us on the holidays.
But my problem now is that this friend, maybe because he realized I have no chance of going back with that girl, I think he will try his chance with her. He already told me that he will e-mail her to have some news from her. Since we came from holidays he didn't contacted her anymore, except a few nights we went out to meet her at that bar.
During our holidays there was a climate between me and him due to this girl. We didn't really know what she was thinking, if she was attracted by me, by him or any of us. We didn't talked about it but I could feel a strange atmosphere between us, a silence that explained a lot. 
He is the only friend I have to go out at the weekends and if he starts seeing her things will become very difficult for me because I will stay alone (I will start to avoid him too) and the fact that knowing that he's with her trying his chance makes me fell really bad. Another thing is that, deeply, I know that's not a thing that you might expect from a friend of yours that makes me feel some resentment.

Well, I found this relationship was not good for me, except that it allowed me to identify some issues that I must improve. All the rest was a complete mess, some really strange things were going on, many insecurity from both sides. I believe we both know that many things about each other remained to be discovered and that is something that is hard to think about. Now it will be very difficult to happen or impossible and that's an issue I must deal with.

So, that's my story...and my fingers are hurting. Please comment whatever you want.

Thanks for "listening".


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Jan 16, 2007)

Hi Me

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I have encountered people like your g/friend before, and they are very complicated people.  I think you showd a huge amount of understanding in the relationship, and I'm sorry that it has not worked out as you wanted. 

Welcome to the msg boards too, i look forward to reading more of your posts.


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## ThatLady (Jan 16, 2007)

First of all, :welcome:  to PsychLinks, Me and Myself. Your English is much better than you think it is. I had no problem reading your story. 

It sounds to me like you're looking for a real relationship with someone and this particular girl is just looking for another fling to add to her list of flings. She said she enjoys having "coloured friendships" where she and her "friend" just sleep together, but there's no committment involved. That's not what it sounds to me like you're looking for.

You're coming from different places, so this relationship can only bring you unhappiness. It's time to start looking for something that's more compatible with your life view. You didn't say how old you are, so I don't know what to suggest in the way of possibilies as to where to find such a person, but that's what you should be looking to do.

As far as your male friend is concerned, I can understand your feelings. However, if you're not interested in the kind of relationship this girl offers, perhaps he is. That's a live and let live kind of thing. Those relationships never last long, so he'll be back in your life before long, I'll wager.


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## Me and myself (Jan 16, 2007)

> Your English is much better than you think it is. I had no problem reading your story.


Thank you very much!:dimples: 



> It sounds to me like you're looking for a real relationship with someone and this particular girl is just looking for another fling to add to her list of flings. She said she enjoys having "coloured friendships" where she and her "friend" just sleep together, but there's no committment involved. That's not what it sounds to me like you're looking for.


Yeah, I believe you're right. One of the "symptoms" is the fact that she didn't want her friends to see us together. She wanted everybody to think she's single to left all doors open.
And you're right, that's not what I'm looking for.



> You're coming from different places, so this relationship can only bring you unhappiness. It's time to start looking for something that's more compatible with your life view.


Well, we didn't came from different worlds. In spite that fact that I live 100 miles away from her, I've lived almost all my life in the same town of her. In fact, we discovered that we were neighbours for almost 20 years. 



> You didn't say how old you are, so I don't know what to suggest in the way of possibilies as to where to find such a person, but that's what you should be looking to do.


I'm 40.



> As far as your male friend is concerned, I can understand your feelings. However, if you're not interested in the kind of relationship this girl offers, perhaps he is. That's a live and let live kind of thing. Those relationships never last long, so he'll be back in your life before long, I'll wager.


I know this kind of relation cannot last long but, if that happens, his attitude won't be pretty to me. Let's see what the future brings and let's stop guessing. 

Thanks for your replies.


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