# A friend wanting to be dead. Triggering.



## Heather (Oct 15, 2005)

One of my friends at uni _<admin edit: made a suicide gesture/attempt>_  a couple of nights ago. She covered them up and came to class and I discovered it and talked to her about it and she explained what she did and that she wanted to be dead.

I think that she did it for attention, she is in need of help and unable to ask for it, so I think that this was her way of asking for help, but when I tried to take her to counselling she refused. She talked to me for a number of hours and told me how she was (which isn't good) etc... 

Anyway I dunno what to do. I mean should I just continue to be there for her or should I tell someone to try and get her help? The thing is I do not want to loose her trust but I am in no position to help her properly right now.

At uni our group of friends has just lost a close friend, she had a neurological disorder and when operated on she died, this has been a big blow for us all, but also this friend has just had her fiance of 3 and a half years dump her for someone else and she was depressed before this! 

Another one of my friends has just had a miscarriage and isn't doing too well and the friend above relied on her support a lot but now she doesn't have it! So much happens at once! 

Heather...

_<admin note: please be careful about graphic descriptions or descriptions of specific acts which may be triggering to other members. See forum rules>_


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## Eunoia (Oct 15, 2005)

that sounds like _a lot_ to deal with. and I think you're certainly right that it's even more difficult to help in any shape or form if you yourself are not at a "good" place, you know? I think this is always the tricky part when it comes to being confronted w/ someone going through what you have been through, or are going through, b/c you feel for them and understand but your own feelings and emotions get mixed up w/ their problem- which ultimately does not help them nor you.

so you're saying that the friend who _<admin edit: made a suicide attempt/gesture>_ has had her fiancee break up w/ her and is depressed and her friend is the one who died in the surgery? anyways, it sounds like there are a lot of issues right now w/ a lot of different people, and the best I think you can do is 1) take care of yourself and don't get "dragged down" w/ this and 2) be there for your friend/s in any way that you know will still keep you at a safe place. 

Considering you saw what your friend did and she talked to you about it, even if she does not want to go into counselling now, maybe you can suggest it to her again and offer to go w/ her, give her someone's name there..even get her to call an anonymus hotline for her issues... if I am correct and she is the one w/ the b/f who broke up w/ her and her depression, that it makes a lot of sense that she is going through a tough time right now. did they break up on somewhat good terms?? ie. if they were a really good pair and they're still somewhat friends you could try talking to him to try to help her out a bit... I don't know how good of an idea this is though (totally depends on the situation). and get other people invovled in trying to be there for your friend/s (ie. do you know her family well, ie. siblings or another really close friend?) don't go and talk to any of them unless you tell your friend 1st or better suggest to her to go talk to one of them. it's always much easier if your are not the only support that friend has. it makes it easier on you for sure! I think your friend should definately go talk to someone though!

I'm sorry about your other friend who died. That's very sad. 

What about your friend w/ the miscarriage? Is she seeing someone about this? I think the best you can do besides from being there for them (ie. being empathetic, listening to them etc. IF it isn't too triggering for you, trying to keep them occupied etc.) is to have them understand the benefits of talking to someone trained about this. use your past experiences and knowledge and try to pass that on to them by telling them it's ok to go see someone....

but hun, take care of yourself too!! this is A LOT to deal w/ for anyone...


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## SS8282 (Oct 15, 2005)

I'm sorry to hear about your friends. I understand how you feel, and it is stressful.  Eunoia has good ideas. Listen to her. Hugs


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## Heather (Oct 15, 2005)

Hi firstly I want to apologise for putting in suicide details I am not really thinking straight at this particular time, sorry.

Anywayâ€¦

Thanks for the replies and for the hugs 

Sorry what I wrote wasnâ€™t heaps clear. Yes the friend who made a suicide attempt is the one who broke up with her fiancÃ© and it wasnâ€™t on good terms, basically he told her that he couldnâ€™t deal with her depression anymore so it was over, which is not the problem, the problem is that a week and a half later he is going out with someone else, and for the record she also has depression! And she normally relies on the friend who had a miscarriage but she is too down (it was an IVF baby, which makes it harder) so she has taken to relying on me, but I have a lot of other friends who rely on me and I am having trouble keeping up with them, and then the whole lot of us are dealing with the death of our friend and I am dealing with my own depression and issues as well! And I am dealing with some stuff at work (a few children with issues and a few families with issues). I work in a child care centre, but I am trained to and am getting further training now!!!

Wow I just realised what a mess I am in!

The friend who had the miscarriage isnâ€™t getting any help, I said to her that she should but she said that she didnâ€™t need to because talking to me was enough, which I donâ€™t like because while I did do a counselling course I am no professional and I have a lot going on too! Besides I am too emotionally attached to help properly, you know!

The phone counselling isnâ€™t a bad idea, I didnâ€™t think of that, thanks  And if it gets worse I will talk to her family, also a good idea, as for really close friends we are all in a group of friends at uni so there are others but we are all dealing with the death of our friend so none of us are really ok right now! 

I am going to try and keep them occupied etcâ€¦ which will be fun because with my own depression I just want to stay in bed all day! Maybe it will be good for me having to go out with them to keep their heads above water. 

It is definitely a good idea to use my past to help them, I actually do this with others as well (for some reason I seem to attract friends who are going through major issues, there are more than I have mentioned, but they are the worst at this time, maybe I attract them because of my past and issues, I dunno)!

Taking care of myself is something that I am bad at but am working on with the psychologist I go and see, so I am getting better with this I am happy to say 

Anyway got to go, have numerous assignments due and want to get stuck into them today before I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with friends in the afternoon (I have taken tody off, except for tonight I am phoning one then).

Thanks again Heatherâ€¦


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 15, 2005)

You're not a mess, Heather, but it does sound like you are trying to shoulder everyone else's load at the expense of your own health. That can't be good if it continues for very long.

Remember: If you don't look after you, soon there won't be anything left to give to anyone else. So even if you can't bring yourself to make self-care a priority for YOUR sake, maybe you can frame it that way and make self-care a prioriity for THEIR sakes.


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## Heather (Oct 15, 2005)

Thanks for that, I do realise about the self care thing, but putting it into practice isn't easy! 

I feel like a mess when I am on my own, with others I hold it together, I have to I can't afford to fall apart because everyone else is!

Well I am proud of myself to at least have taken today off, it is a start!

Heather 

P.S. Also I am going to a psychologist and none of the others are!!!


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 15, 2005)

)

Just change your signature line to "I am a survivor not a victim! And I need to look after myself better!".


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## Ashley-Kate (Oct 15, 2005)

*...*

David's right heather , you are such a supportive person to may of us on this site and i am sure we are all very thankfull . i know i am you are reall nice but the first thing that is importan is you .. your not selfish if you pay attention to your own needs .. we love you just the same.
 
yours trully ashley-kate


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## Heather (Oct 16, 2005)

LOL David thanks!!!

Ashley-Kate -- Thanks I really appreciate what you have said  

And also I am ok to listen and help...

Heather...


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## Eunoia (Oct 16, 2005)

Hey Heather! Glad some of the ideas helped... you know it's great that all your friends have you to lean on and it sounds like you always try to be there for them. I don't think it's a matter of you not being there for them, but it's more of how much of you you dedicate to being there for them and how that affects you. You can only be there for others if you are there for yourself first and foremost. Your friends know that you're always there for them, and obviously that's what friends do, but some people are just_always_ there for others and take it upon themselves to personally solve other people's issues or feel it is their responsibility to fix them. And it's really not. 

you're totally right that it is not a good idea in terms of your and your friend's best interest for her to solely rely on you for support for her miscarriage. did you tell her that though? You can let her know that you are there for her but that you are not an expert in terms of this and that as you said, your emotional involvement, makes things even harder. don't push her away, just point her in the right direction for her own good (and yours). 

good to know that you are trying to take care of yourself ie. w/ your psychologist. and you know, maybe it's not so much that you attract people w/ issues, but that b/c you are aware of their existence that you are more likely to notice when things come up (ie. how you recognized the problem w/ your friend who you posted about...). Not everyone would have said something or even have had the slightest clue what to say... you _are_ a good friend. but you need to stand up for yourself and for what makes you be ok too. 

taking care of yourself is a long process that needs continuous work... so don't worry that things may seem like taking care of yourself is difficult to do, take a small step here and there in the right direction.... 



> I feel like a mess when I am on my own, with others I hold it together, I have to I can't afford to fall apart because everyone else is!


In a way it's a good thing that being w/ others makes you "hold it together" ie. it kind of feels like it gives you a purpose and a reason to be somewhat ok. but don't just "hold it together" for everyone else, b/c I find that it's very easy to end up at a place where that becomes your role and it is _very_ difficult to get out of that "caretaker" role or the one who's always ok.... they have their faults and issues and so do you. so they should be as accepting as you are if you are not ok, you know? I always say the same thing, that I can't afford to fall apart as a result of their issues and b/c if they're falling apart someone needs to be ok. but it's A LOT to always be the one who is ok. and it's not realistic. don't let other people's problems affect you to the extent where you feel like you are falling apart but do see it as ok to once in a while not be the one who has it all together even if your friends don't.

btw, sorry everyone for rewriting those specific marks about suicide in my reply above... I totally wasn't thinking along those lines either, but I'll def. remember the next time!


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## Heather (Oct 17, 2005)

Thanks again, I really appreciate the time it took you to reply.

I have managed to get the friend who made a suicide attempt to a counsellor (a psychologist) because I opened up to her and told her where I am at and so we went together and I took her to the same one that I go to and we took an emergency appointment. She wouldnâ€™t listen to me unless I told her my story, so now one more person knows  but at least they know for a good reason right??? 

The one with the miscarriage I told her that she needed to go as well because I am not in a position to help her and she is still refusing. But who knows with more than one of her friends going perhaps she will go as well!

Thanks again I should go to bed as I have to be at work in less than 8 hours!!!

Heatherâ€¦

P.S. I know what you mean about the keeping it together comment but to tell you the truth I am sick of keeping it together, I am sick of always pretending I am ok in front of people, because from my posts on this site it is obvious that I am not ok (keeping in mind I am getting better, a lot better in fact).


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## Eunoia (Oct 17, 2005)

Hey Heather. it was and is no problem replying to your posts, and I'd rather take the time and say everything that I want to say (and you may chose to consider some or all of it) than not reply or just say good luck... k? I _was_ trying to say that you _shouldn't_ always pretend that things are ok if they're not b/c it wears on you and for sure doesn't help you get better as much as you might be able to b/c you're constanlty being pulled down by everyone else (intentionally or not). so good to hear that your friend went to see a counselor and you know, yeah, she "knows" now (about you) but you said she's a friend and maybe when she's better she will keep in mind what you did for her and what you are going through and be there for you. and you  were able to use what you're going through to help someone else, that's really good! at least one good thing you get out of this, right? 

ok, so my question is, what would happen if you were to stop pretending and not keep it all together? are you worried about people's reactions? if you usually keep it all in it's difficult to judge how people will react, and yes they may be shocked or confused, but they'll actually be in a position where they can help you or just be there for you b/c they know what's going on. try starting w/ one really close friend or w/ "smaller" issues or hints on things to get an idea of their reactions. I'm sure that when it comes down to it it'll make you feel a lot better to be able to be honest and they may be able to be there for you in more productive ways...


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## Heather (Oct 18, 2005)

Thanks again,

I think I always have to keep it together because of other peoples reactions and also I wasn't ever allowed to not keep it together so I think it has become second nature.

I will think about what you have said 

I am just so glad that my friend is going to get help.

Heather...


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