# Could it be manipulation or Love



## fancy792 (May 11, 2005)

Hi everyone!

I've read lots of post and coudn't find something in regards to my situation. I'm looking for advice.

It been almost 2 yr with my boyfriend! I'm 33 yrs old with two young daughters(10 and 8). 

During this relationship I have seen real high and real low(cheating, he's alcoololic which causes lots of financial stress)

He doesn't work steady so I've been providing for him for most of the time. We had a few incident that we have broken up and I've ask him to leave naturally it wasn't pleasant but he found ways for me to find myself quilty npt to sure how but it just there.....so i taking him back.

I've reach a point where now it not healthy....I'm ready to live with my 2 kids again and move on but when I tell him I still feel quilty....once I have time to think I know I have to let go cause it not healty.

How do you do it? where can you get help? would this be codependency? It really serious I'm almost 8k in the hole and it not going right! If anyone been threw this or have any comments please reply back.

Thanks!


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## cm (May 11, 2005)

Hello fancy792,
I agree with you, that this is not a healthy relationship.  It seems to me that you are really putting yourself (and your children in some ways) at risk by continuing this relationship.  When I needed to get out of a relationship with a man who did not want to leave, the first thing I did was talk to my Doctor about the situation and my worries.  Do you have a supportive Doctor?  There are also some community public health nurses and counsellors who can support you at this difficult time.  It's good to get some counselling over the long term anyways.  During counselling I learned a lot about why I give in to people when I don't really want to , and when I know it is unhealthy.  I have learned to make better decisions for myself and my children, and to feel more confident in my own beliefs and actions.
It sounds like you are being used by this person and I hope you will leave the relationship for good.  Please try to get some help from someone in your community.  You and your children have the right to a healthy, happy life and you have the right to include or exclude anyone you want to in that life.
I think you will get lots of helpful insight and ideas from Dr. Baxter and the wonderful people here too.
Welcome to you.
cm


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## David Baxter PhD (May 11, 2005)

I must agree with cm. It's hard to see this one having a happy ending.

You also have your two young children to think about. What he's doing to you personally is bad enough. What effect do you think this is having on the children? and on their future, financial and otherwise.


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## fancy792 (May 11, 2005)

Tks for the replies!

I need to find tools to help me to be strong. I've approch the subject with him on monday night and well he's responce surprise me. He ask me for time to get ready and find a place to stay. So I agreed, the next day well it was complete different, his reactions and his comments but again he's giving me all type of answers sometimes confusing due to my feeling for him. He's leaving on a trip for the weekend and he's back for Monday and I've told him that I would take time to think about what he said but right now I still feel like  putting an end and I can't change my mind. 

I wouldn't mind at all seeing someone to help but time is an issue. Any suggestions?

Tks again. It must me a common situation and I hope this can be also useful for someone else.


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## ThatLady (May 12, 2005)

It is a pretty common situation, hon. You're not alone.

It's always hard the first time you stand up for yourself and mean it. It gets easier as you begin to see that it works well for you in the long run. After you've taken a few stances and held your ground, it becomes second nature to do what's right for you. I've been there, and done that. Now, it's easy. )

If I were you, I'd make it clear that when he comes back from his trip, he'll find his things packed. Best he have someplace to go and someplace to put those things, because he isn't returning to your home, with you and your children. It's the safest thing, and the best thing, for everyone concerned.

Good luck, hon. You can do it!


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## fancy792 (May 18, 2005)

just to give you guys an update! I haven't been able to do it. He came back form his fishing trip and sleep cause he wasn't felt good. On the next morning he woke up with a gum infection and by 4pm we took him to the doctor. He got medicated and sleep again without any food cause he couldn't open his mouth. 

Last night he wasn't feeling to to bad and ask to take the kids for a treat...... so i decided to talk to him after the kids were in bed. Well that didn't happend.

Today I guess he feels better he clean up the house and now he out fishing. I know he knows that we have to finish my talk cause he's telling me that he wiull get a second job to take the pressure from me a bit.....I know this isn't healthy my head see's that. My heart feels for him and doesn't want to hurt. How can I get this done and be alright. I know and can think until he's there then he somehow gets control of me. 

I'm tired and stress and afraid of him cause deep down I know that he won't leave easilly cause i'm his meal ticket or it feel like that.

Please hel;p me get in control and get strong. Any suggestion?????

I have so many things at the same time!


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## DemonicAngel (May 19, 2005)

hi Im new to the forum, and as i was reading ur article, i felt kinda related to it, both ways, i felt related to the guy you are dating or living with at the moment and alos i felt it with you,why cause i have been that way all my life always making people feel guilty about things and they always end up asking me forgiveness or not leaving cause they felt guilty, i always took advantage which is what i see this guy doing to you, and i must say you have to think on your kids, the effect this might have on them in their future lives, you say hes acting diferent, but from my readings that is just part of the cycle, he`s most likely to go back to the way he was, my advice is for you to get out of that relationship as soon as you can, and you can do it, stop feeling guilty for him, think about your kids, theyre your number one reason, or they should be, and you are exposing them to a model that isnt too succesful he doesnt have a steady job, theres no stability for him and the kids are observing this, and mayb turn out to be this way if you dont put a stop to it soon. Well hope this helps in some way, and i`d like to add that none of my comment are meant to offend anyone, i`m just trying to express whats on my mind regarding the issue.


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## fancy792 (May 19, 2005)

Welcome to the board!!! I'm new also

Thanks for your honesty and your views it very well taken and not offended at all. I realise and see the circle but it hard thing to do. I see the weekend coming up and the fact the kids aren'ty going to be with me for the weekend. I'm trying to prepare myself and stick to it. Today he was at work so I see that he's feeling better too. 

It nice to see that you can relate to my situation too. 

Thanks again!


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## DemonicAngel (May 20, 2005)

Hi i'm glad it was not offensive or anything, i really do hope you gain strength in order to get out, I dont know if you're a christian or not, but my parents brought me up the christian way so I will be praying that all works out well for you.


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