# Flinching and Panic



## sushimom (Aug 22, 2015)

Hello I'm new here.

I'm having a problem with helping my husband to understand.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I'll try to give a quick backstory.

My birth father molested me. My birth mother neglected me for drugs. My adoptive father got a brain tumor and became violent and beat me, and after he left my adoptive mother lost it and became extremely emotionally abusive.

I am now married with 3 girls. My husband is a disabled veteran and 2 of our daughters are special needs. Because of this I'm very busy with doctors and don't have any extra money for psych appointments for me.

My current problem is that whenever my husband and I have a disagreement or a fight and he reaches for me in any way I flinch and freeze up in panic. He feels like this is because I think he's going to hit me, but he doesn't understand that I can't help it and that I don't think he's going to hit me or anything, it's just a response because of the abuse.

How can I help him understand that it's not something that I can just stop and that I am not afraid of him?


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## forgetmenot (Aug 22, 2015)

Just want to first say hello and welcome you to Psychlinks.  
I do understand that reaction and unless he has suffer abuse it is hard to get him to understand.  One way perhaps if you can him to talk to your doctor  who can help explain to him hyper vigilance    i am sorry you cannot make time to get you some help because you are so busy with your children with special needs  it would benefit you so much if you could.   Is there any books you can get your husband to read about  how people who are abused have this response  that too may help him see clearly what you are going through.


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## Retired (Aug 22, 2015)

Welcome to Psychlinks, Sushimom.  Sorry to hear about the difficulty you're experiencing due to your history of abuse.

It is not an area in which I have knowledge, so I will defer to others on the Forum who might have advice and insights to offer.

I do hope we can provide some direction to what must be very difficult for you and your husband.


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## GDPR (Aug 22, 2015)

Hi sushimom,welcome.

I am curious how long you have been married because it just seems to me that if your husband knows you well and knows about your past abuse he should be able to understand why you would react that way,especially when there's been a disagreement or fight.Have you told him about the past abuse?

I am also curious what you mean by saying if he reaches for you in any way.Is it during a disagreement or fight,or afterwards?What exactly is he doing?Is he trying to hug you?Grab you?If it's happening during a fight,I think even someone without abuse in their past might react that way in fear,not knowing for sure what the intentions are.

---------- Post Merged at 03:04 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:45 PM ----------

I guess I need to understand your situation a little better before I can make any suggestions.


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## sushimom (Aug 22, 2015)

Thank you.

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LIT said:


> Hi sushimom,welcome.
> 
> I am curious how long you have been married because it just seems to me that if your husband knows you well and knows about your past abuse he should be able to understand why you would react that way,especially when there's been a disagreement or fight.Have you told him about the past abuse?
> 
> ...




I've been married for 7 years. Usually he's reaching for me because I tend to go on tirades and he'll grab my shoulders to tell me to stop and think. But I will initially flinch and then freeze for like 10 seconds just in a blind panic.

I hope that helps.


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## GDPR (Aug 22, 2015)

Maybe instead of worrying about how to get him to understand your reaction you need to have him not grab you like that anymore.

Maybe he just needs to walk away when you are like that.It doesn't seem very logical(or very kind or loving) for him to grab your shoulders,knowing that is how you will react,and expect you to change your reaction.If he does know about your past(which you didn't say whether he does or not) it just seems cruel for him to do that to you.

I am sorry,I don't mean to sound harsh,but if he doesn't like feeling like your reaction is because of him then maybe he needs to stop causing it.

---------- Post Merged at 04:10 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:59 PM ----------

My husband announces when he is entering a room I am in so he doesn't startle me,he would never grab me by my shoulders and then 'feel' like I am reacting because of him,he would know I am and would not do it anymore.


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## Retired (Aug 22, 2015)

I would agree with LIT in that your husband should be made to understand that when you are experiencing emotional distress or a meltdown, that your responses in that state cannot tolerate being touched or held.

The best thing he can probably do for you is to walk away and allow you the time to collect your thoughts and emotions at your own pace, and when you're ready, he can comfort you.

Do you think your husband would be willing to walk away in these situations?

What strategies, if any, do you use, in these situations, to help you regain control of your thoughts and emotions?



> whenever my husband and I have a disagreement or a fight



Perhaps as a long term measure, you may want to explore what situations tend to cause these highly volatile altercations?

When you say _"fight"_ is there any physical violence involved?

You may find this interesting:  The ways  childhood trauma and abuse can affect survivors


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## sushimom (Aug 22, 2015)

No there's never anything beyond raised voices and us being a bit angry for awhile. Just he normal married couple stuff. I'll talk to him about what you guys suggested and see if it works.

Thank you so much!


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## rdw (Aug 22, 2015)

Welcome to the forum!


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## GDPR (Aug 23, 2015)

Sorry I sounded so harsh in my other post sushimom.It upset me imagining how I would feel and react if my husband ever grabbed my shoulders.

I am also sorry your husband doesn't seem very understanding about the whole thing.I am sure that is hurtful to you and maybe even makes it seem/feel like you are doing something wrong because you cannot control your reactions.

Since you still haven't said whether you have told him about the past abuse,I will assume you haven't and suggest maybe you do.You don't need to give all the details,but maybe it would help him understand you a little better and then maybe you two can work together on this.Awhile ago I made an index card for my husband so he could pull it out when I was in emotional distress,so he could remind me of things I could do to help myself,and it made a big difference.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Aug 23, 2015)

Welcome to the forum!

I think I agree with you telling your husband that, logically, you know he _won't_ harm you. But emotions are far more, shall we say, "deep" and primal... That part of the brain is harder to change (not impossible, though).  Think of it as your wheels go back to that well-worn trail when your brain suddenly feels (not thinks) a threat is imminent, such as someone coming toward you and trying to grab you. Your brain gets your body into that fight or flight mode, hence the freezing/flinching.

Maybe you could sit down with your husband and let him know that you are aware he is trying to help, but it's been proven time and again that when he does that (reaches out to try to control you) it doesn't do anything to help you calm down.  

Maybe you two could come up with a way for him to communicate better with you without coming toward you or touching you.  Perhaps if he just uses his voice.  I've noticed if someone is yelling, if another person says something lower-toned, the yeller has to stop yelling to hear what the speaker is saying.  If that works, your husband could then just speak to you in low, calm tones... And at some point when you are feeling more calm, he can _ask for permission_ to hug you or touch your hand...  Mind you, it shouldn't be _him_ who has to calm you. Perhaps you can figure out (Google, read self-help) a way to help you use a strategy to use to prevent yourself from this spiral of emotions...

When you are getting frustrated or angry, could you could train your_self _to Stop... Catch your_self_... Do you need to walk away for a moment?  Do you need to say, "Dear, I'm starting to get fired up here.  I need a little distance so I can process what we are talking about. Please don't talk about this yet, but in a few minutes I will let you know when I can talk about it again."

The goal would be that you'd let off a little steam at a time, instead of saving it all inside and the top flying off when you've finally hit that point of no return.  If you can become more mindful, somehow, of when your physical symptoms occur: tightening muscles, clenching, fists, fast breathing, stomping, etc, then you could start loosening those muscles, unclench, stretch out, slow your breathing, etc... It's possible that even if you are very angry, your excitation may come down and you could discuss your concerns and frustrations with less enthusiasm and with a little more self control... It won't be easy at first... But practice, practice!  

Hope this helps!


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Aug 28, 2015)

FYI: I used to have a temper, but this has worked for me... 

It also takes time, and I've been a substitute teacher for children with special emotional/developmental needs (ie some are just not socialized, or have been abused, etc - wide variety of issues)... Some of these children have anger/temper issues...  The teachers try to get the children in touch with how they are feeling, so they can catch themselves before they get angry.

They listen to their bodies. They learn to ask themselves why they feel a certain way.  Sometimes just asking themselves questions or looking at what makes them upset can help them calm down.

It's hard for them, but they're learning.  I can imagine how difficult it would be to stop if one never had any guidance or had parents who weren't the best role models...  It has to be much harder to deal with as an adult...


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