# All I know Is That I am Depressed



## Nex (Dec 23, 2004)

Let me take a deep breath, and here I go. 

It's cold in here, listening to Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb.

It's a long story. I'd appreciate with all my heart (there's something left), any help I can get here. The only help I can get is here, both fortunately and unfortunately.

Basically, I can't take it anymore. My name's Lucas, I'm 15 years old and I have been changing countries every year for the past 3 years or so.  There is no time to become comfortable, there is time to create lots of friendships, but in the end... there is nothing left in the end, as I enter the plane and fly away to a foreign land.

In three months I will be moving to Italy and to England six months after that. A whole world of opportunities, I'm sure. I'm not worried about my future, I know I'll have money, but what I'm worried about is what's happening inside of me. I hate it, I hate the world. I'm being fueled by hate, anger, hopelessness. I have no control over anything.

An year has passed in Brazil, my native land, and I managed to supress my 3 year long depression a bit, by learning social skills (I had none before) which allowed me to smile and thus pretend to be happy, while being a wreck inside.

I've read ALOT of psychology. I know that I need to see a professional, but that is out of question. Everytime I speak with a family member about this, we end up having a serious argument, I tell them my problems, and they just end up screaming and thinking they didn't raise me right. 

Logically, all I want is my family to be happy. When people are sad because of me, it makes me much more depressed. Speaking to them is not an option. Doctors are not an option, no money. No free help around here. No meds. All I've got is MYSELF, and whatever I can get here. I've been on my own for so long.

Meditation, I thought. So I meditated for around 3 months, some happiness came, but then I moved to my grandma's house (full of people, I hate it), now I don't really want to do anything anymore.

I've spent most of the last year without my father, most of the last-last year without my mother, and so on. It's a constant rollercoaster. It has been building up for so long.

Six years ago I arrived in the US without speaking a single word in English, so I had to learn from scratch. Pretty easy for a little kid, but this was  the start of my inferiority/superiority disorder (it's almost as if I have both of them), then after learning English back to Brazil again. 

Great, great life. Now back to the US. WTF!? LET ME SETTLE FIRST! Too late.

I can't take it. In the beginning of this year, I cried so much EVERY SINGLE DAY. Although I cried today, I can't cry anymore. I wish I could. I have suicidal thoughts, but I won't carry through with them because I'm too STRONG, I want to face things no matter how hard they are.

I wish I could be like other people. Some months ago (when my father was here), I punched open a window and had to go to the hospital get stitches. Then today in the car I punched the window many times, while my mom yelled all kinds of possible profanities.

Stress is just way too high. Someone says "Hi", and I immediately want to beat the crap out of them for being ANNOYING. Everything annoys me. 

This year I got in fights with teachers everyday, set the school's bathroom on fire, set the mall's bathroom on fire and got arrested, and started smoking marijuana on a weekly basis. I have huffed glue once and been hospitalized due to alcohol OD. Don't worry, I'll be dying of old age not of this.

It's a wreck. I just want to love everything, love everyone. I'm a pretty smart kid, IQ in the 130+, but still I can't function socially. (My mind tells me to never say I can't do something, but that's because I've conditioned it to be optimistic). I'd just wish a car would hit me - but there's so much more to the world than just ME. F**K! F**K! F**K!

My friends joke, smile, talk. But I just sit there quiet. Say nothing, feel nothing. Be nothing. This makes me feel like shit.

Led Zeppelin - Rock And Roll, been a lonely, lonely time.

I'd be surprised if anyone's left, I know I'm supposed to only post the INFORMATION, and let you guys help out. But I dragged out as if this was literature, one thing I'm good at.

I've also had serious cases of SLEEP PARALYSIS every night, and I suspect to have neucalepsy(sp?). Everynight I would be greated by "something evil", which apparently are hallucinations common in sleep paralysis (although I believe otherwise). This fueled my stress rates by getting only minutes of sleep.

....

Enough.  What can I do to help myself? No doctors, no family. Just me. What can I THINK, how can I change my train of thought, maybe something in NLP to fix the torment inside?

Without help I'll sink into the earth and disappear, soon.

--
On a side note: MEDITATION, can this alone kill depression completely? I can enter trances and "states of well being", and have two Dalai-Lama books (which are encouraging). Points of views?


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## Daniel (Dec 23, 2004)

Since you seem to like writing, you may want to keep a journal to help vent frustrations, anxieties, etc. if you are not already.

I think resuming meditation is a good idea.  One of the good things about meditation, of course, is that it makes clear the temporary nature of everything, especially the negative thoughts and emotions.  



> I've also had serious cases of SLEEP PARALYSIS every night, and I suspect to have neucalepsy(sp?). Everynight I would be greated by "something evil", which apparently are hallucinations common in sleep paralysis (although I believe otherwise). This fueled my stress rates by getting only minutes of sleep.



Of course, being able to reduce stress/anxiety throughout the day and evening by meditation, journal writing, exercise, music, focusing on hobbies/interests, ignoring negative self-talk, etc. would be helpful to minimize the sleep paralysis, as you said.   Related web page excerpt:



> How can I stop the sleep paralysis?
> 
> In severe cases, where episodes take place at least once a week for 6 months, medication may be used.
> 
> ...


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## Nutmeg (Dec 23, 2004)

Hi Nex/Lucas,

I wanted to reply even though your situation sounds pretty overwhelming and I felt a bit overwhelmed myself reading it. And I had a lot of questions in my mind.

First I want to compliment your English. It's excellent.

Second, how is a 15 year old independently moving from country to country? Are you being shifted between various family members? What's going on with your parents that they aren't with you? Why don't they give you a stable environment to grow up in?

If you're now in an American school, hasn't your acting out forced your family to bring you to psychotherapy?  Obviously the fire setting is a huge warning sign about your anger and need for help. Not to mention the window punching. I'm sure your relatives/parents are worried sick but they are obviously emotionally troubled themselves and are doing the opposite of helping you. This pisses me off (towards them).

If you're read a lot of psychology, have you read about family dynamics? I recommend a book that's "self help" but still useful: John Bradshaw on The Family. After I read it, I understood my problems much better and had a more realistic perspective about what to do next (and I needed therapy!). Your family clearly has some problems if they're letting a 15 year old get this angry/depressed and refuse to get him help.

Personally I don't think meditation alone can manage a serious depression. But I bet it's very helpful especially if it's the only tool you've got at the moment.

nutmeg


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## Daniel (Dec 23, 2004)

It wouldn't hurt to increase your intake of omega-3s, if you can, such as by asking to eat more fish, etc.  As you know, excercise can help both stress and depression:



> Healthy Dos and Don'ts
> Here are a few eating tips to keep in mind when you're dealing with depression.
> 
> Do:
> ...



Also, there is the herbal supplement for depression called SAMe that is pretty cheap:  
Small Study Shows SAMe May Improve Treatment Of Depression The herbal supplement Kava may be "effective for short-term treatment for anxiety." This is according to the post Six Popular Herbal Therapies Have Mixed Risk-Benefit Profiles.


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 23, 2004)

There was a recent Health Canada warning about kava. I should try to locate that and update that page.


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## Lana (Dec 23, 2004)

Hi Lucas,
I can sense your frustration with many things as I read your post.  It can’t be easy to always be on the move.  The uncertainty of it all can make anyone agitated.  We are here to listen and offer suggestions that may help, and we’re not moving anywhere.    So see?  You’re already on your way to improvement.  

There are so many things in your post.  
-	frustration with constantly moving
-	inability to talk to your parents (their guilt is affecting that)
-	feeling responsible for others unhappiness (big one)
-	control…you do have it but seems that you wish to give it up (wishing to be someone else, like others, or for something to harm you and remove you from control)
-	seeking attention with rebellious behavior
-	underlying worry that no one will be left

I’m not sure where to begin.  NLP uses models of excellence by modeling successes of others.  It involves setting up a desirable outcome and using those models, aiming and achieving them.  For example, taking on a state of a professional athlete while working out, or mimicking Tiger Woods when playing golf, or moving like Michael Jordan when playing basketball.  However, I wouldn’t recommend using Arnold Schwarzenegger moves while dancing in a ballet (though he wasn’t half bad doing the tango in the film, True Lies).  This means, that all outcomes and goals must be reasonable so as not to set yourself up for disappointment.  Key things are to isolate and identify source of frustration, and then set an outcome by answering questions such as: 
-	if I were in an ideal situation, what would it look like, sound like, feel like.
-	Do I have the necessary resources to make that happen?
-	If yes, how do I apply them to reach the desired outcome.
-	If no, what do I need to make that happen.

Once you have that outcome, you simply do it.  Here are some of the things you can try to alleviate frustration and have some fun: 

Improvisation: use the “yes, and” to chain events and ideas, this encourages acceptance while adding different spins (and humor) to any situation. For example: “we are going to the hills”…”yes, let’s go to the hills and we’ll dance while we’re there”…”yes, let’s dance while we’re there and sing like Maria from The Sound of Music”…”yes, let’s go to the hills and sing like Maria from The Sound of Music, and wear a tights like Robin Hood”…and so on.  If you get a chance, watch the show “Whose line is it anyway?”  It offers an excellent view of what improvisation can do, while making you laugh.  Just let your imagination flow, don’t attempt to control it and let the fun and playful side come out.  Have fun with it.  Laugh.  It won’t solve everything but it does lighten the load and all of the sudden, things don’t look as bad as imagined. 

Anchors: Set up anchors that invoke positive feelings, rather then zero in on the negative ones.  There are times we hear a song that makes us smile and invokes good feelings, or if we sing we are reminded of something nice, or positioning ourselves in a comfortable setting, or wearing a favorite sweater.  All those can be used to trigger a good state.  So, put on your favorite sweater, crack up your favorite tune, get comfy, and sing, just like Maria in The Sound of Music.  

Physiology: Sometimes changing your physiology helps.  For example, it is very difficult to feel happy when a person is stilling all slouched, breathing rapidly, while looking in a downward direction.  On the other hand, if you sit up straight, breathe deeply (feel your lungs expanding with each breath), and looking up and straight ahead, it is difficult to feel sad or angry.  It’s a bit awkward at first, but it does work.  Try it.

Big Picture: Look at the big picture (there are so many wonderful things about you and your life that show in your post).  Go slow.  It’s like reading a book, if you go too fast and focus on small parts, it’s difficult to make sense of things or to even enjoy it.  But when we read a book we enjoy, we tend to take our time, reflecting on the entire story it tells, piecing it together bit by bit, using our imagination to see the pictures, slowing down during the good parts to take them in.  

Pretend: Sometimes pretending to be happy can result in actually being happy.  It’s a form of self-manipulation that leads to well being allowing us to gain perspective and new focus.  It is infectious also, and draws people closer.  Explore it.

Become curious: Approach everything with intense curiosity.  Instead of thinking “oh no, I have to do that again”, try thinking “Oh, I wonder what’s that all about?”  If you ever watch children, they look at everything with wide eyes and curiosity, nothing phases them because they’re taking it all in with excitement of something new.  We sometimes can get stuck in a rut, “oh no, not that again”, but if we changed that to “oh, something new, what’s that all about”, or “what would happen if I were to <insert some new action>” along with other changes such as physiology and improvisation, we discover that we become intrigued, involved, and excited.

Learn: Discomfort is not always a bad thing.  It is said that when we’re uncomfortable, we are simply learning something new by experiencing something we’re not familiar with and the result is feeling as if we don’t belong or aren’t fully “with the program”.  Keeping an open mind about that and using curiosity can shift the negative thoughts to positive ones.  “Oh look, I’m about to learn something new…wonder if they like The Sound of Music?”.

Thought pattern: When finding yourself getting agitated, switch your thinking and try to remember what you had for breakfast.  Breaking a thought pattern can redirect focus from something negative to something mildly confusing but brining relief and gives you time to get a fresh perspective and focus.  

All of the above takes practice and yes, it may seem awkward and uncomfortable at first.  But if you can incorporate that, you may find that amazing things will happen.

Lastly, and this is not NLP, but do try to let others own their own feelings, good or bad.  Own your own.  Taking on others peoples feelings is like taking on a bag of rocks to carry.  Or in your case, it’s like carrying everyone’s luggage.  How long and how far do you wish to carry it all?  Put them down and lighten the load.  Not to worry, the good news is that if you feel the need to take it all on again, it’ll always be there, right where you left it. Or you may find that others will follow your lead and put down their rocks.


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## Daniel (Dec 23, 2004)

My favorite technique of those that Lana mentioned is "Become curious: Approach everything with intense curiosity."


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## ThatLady (Dec 23, 2004)

The part about pretending is also an excellent suggestion that did wonders for me. If you pretend to be happy, and worthy, and likeable...sooner or later, it becomes a habit and you realize that's what you were all along.


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## Daniel (Dec 23, 2004)

ThatLady said:
			
		

> If you pretend to be happy, and worthy, and likeable...sooner or later, it becomes a habit and you realize that's what you were all along.



Reminds me of the phrase "fake it till you make it."


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 23, 2004)

Or that old song: "the more I fool the people I fear I fool myself as well", from _Whistle A Happy Tune_.


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## HA (Dec 24, 2004)

Hi Lucas,

How difficult it must be to move so often. Not only are you moving often but you are changing cultures too!

Why does your family move so much?



> I've read ALOT of psychology. I know that I need to see a professional, but that is out of question. Everytime I speak with a family member about this, we end up having a serious argument, I tell them my problems, and they just end up screaming and thinking they didn't raise me right.



I'm sorry to hear this is how it works out when you try and ask your family to get some help for you.

I have found the *fake it till you make* routine has worked for me and some of these other ways of thinking and coping will hopefully be helpful for you, but I don't think that will be enough.

This board will always be here for you to get things off your chest and to also give and receive support but it does not take the place of therapeutic help from a professional. I think you could really benefit from some ongoing support from a professional. Depression can be treated with support, a therapist and medication but if it is left to fester on it's own for long periods of time then it becomes more difficult to treat. I don't think your problems will just go away with visits to this support site and your own self help. You need someone to talk to.

I'm assuming you are living in Brazil? Can you ask your school guidance department to help you find a therapist to talk to?
Can you visit your family doctor and ask for help there? 

You can also talk to a therapist online but that means you need to find a way to pay for it.

All the best & Merry Christmas


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## Nex (Dec 24, 2004)

*Kill Depression For A Day*

I'll try and reply to all of your kind posts!

Thanks for the support, Daniel!

Hehe, I have been keeping a journal to help vent my frustrations, 
anxieties and etc, but the problem I have with them is that I end up 
being way to fictional. I mix reality with humour, hey -- in a way, 
that's a good thing!

I will go back to meditating as soon as possible, I've recently bought 
Meditations, a Dalai Lama book -- it's not about "meditation", but it has 
some awesome incouraging quotes. I'll begin meditating again once I 
settle for a while in Europe.

When it comes to sleep paralysis, I have been confroting them all my 
life, since early childhood, I'll take it one step at a time before I try 
to stop them (although currently they're only coming if I think about 
them that day -- uh, oh, better prepare for tonight .

About omega-3s, today I ate alot of fish. It's almost as if I "telepathically" fed my mom this information, as she just made alot of 
fish for no apparent reason. I used to drink alot of coffee daily, but 
today I had none. I did get slightly drunk today, however -- side effect 
of living in Brazil.

--------

Nutmeg, thanks for the kind words!

To answer your questions, basically my father is doing what he thinks (and probably is) best for the family in general. Sacrafices must be made. 
He's going after the money, once he sees better opportunities somewhere 
else, that's where he goes. And he drags the family along, of course. 

What he's doing is for us, although it does prove to be harmful in some 
aspects, it is culture. The rational side of me sees this as the perfect 
life, full of knowledge. It's just the emotional that needs a break. 

I'm in a Brazillian school. Brazillian's are fun, party and fun-rebelious 
(rebel without cause) people by nature, so they just see me as a "crazy 
guy" and not someone with further problems. And frankly, it doesn't 
matter to them.

They know I am depressed, they just don't know how to help me. Good thing I am currently in a very optimistic mood! I CAN DO IT!

It's probably true that meditation alone can't kill a depression on most 
cases, but I'm sure that by the time I'm in Italy the depression will 
have minimized and the meditation will do.

--------

Lana! Your post helped me get ALOT!

Exactly, being on the move does make me frustrated. I can sense that this is due to one of my BELIEF SYSTEMS, which I can change! I believe that SELF-CONFIDENCE will come with conditioning myself to a situation, this means that I'll feel relaxed after being at a certain place for a while. 

I can change this belief. Being on the move should actually make me more confident, when you think about it, I'll be gaining alot of knowledge, be meeting alot of people, and never live a monotonous life. There'll be something new ALL THE TIME, isn't it interesting?

I noticed how interesting my life is today, sitting at a bar, and then 
mentioning that I was moving to Italy and getting the entire attention 
diverted my way. You know what, I don't need to feel depressed. I am 
better than this. I will overcome this.

NLP, heading to the bar (I didn't want to go, but I said "This is the 
depression speaking, the real me would want to go. So I'm going."), I was thinking that I was just like Brad Pitt, with all my confidence and 
power. Smiling, I got there and had THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

Whenever I think about Italy, negative pessimist thoughts come, but I 
know I'm better than this. I don't need to worry about this. And even if 
the real me is worrying about this, I know that just as easily as I 
changed my haircut two days ago I can change this.

--------

Fake it till you make it!

Thanks everyone else for the help.

I killed depression for a day, and I'll be killing it tomorrow, and be 
killing it everyday, until eventually I kill it dead.

I was thinking today, "depression is a train of thought", a completely mental state. It's my mind, I control it.

I become sad because I think about how sad I am. What if I thought the contrary, even if it wasn't exactly true? Then it should become true - I think.

"As you think you shall become!" - Pook.

So I looked in the mirror, put the biggest smile in my face, and started thinking "I'm happy, I love myself, I'm happy, I love myself, I'm happy, I love myself..." and so, I held the smile the WHOLE DAY constantly, while thinking this the whole day constantly.

No matter what I did, I was thinking this. I was making an effort to be completly conscious about everything, no daydreaming to keep all negative thoughts away. Everytime I looked at something I thought, "that is XXXXX", while thinking "I am happy, I love myself, etc..."

Without room for ANY THOUGHTS exept positive ones, I killed my conscious depression for today. I told myself that I was happy, so I felt happy. Deep inside I could feel the depression, constantly (it feels alot like cognitive dissonance). But everytime I thought about what I was feeling, I diverted my thought.

I'll keep at this. I'll hold a smile on my face ALL DAY, even if it means I look like a freak. Eventually, I'll overcome this.

Right now I'm in an UP mood, when things get dark, and lets hope they won't. I'll talk to you guys, if that's OK. =]

Thanks!!!

Also, I almost forgot, today I had a little dialog with my mother, speaking as calmly and gently as possible, in English (we speak Portuguese at home), and making sure no one else was listening.

Me: "Do you love me?"
Mom: "Of course I do!"
Me: "Then why don't you help me?"
Mom: "Tell me what you want me to do."
Me: "Doctor and medication."
Mom: "......"
Me: "You'll be leaving me money when you go to Italy on January, right? [she'll be going first] Then can I spend it on a doctor and meds?"
Mom: "Ok."

If I deem necessary, I'll be seeing a doctor on my own terms in a month or so. Just one appointment, but I'll get something from that.

Good night!


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## Lana (Dec 24, 2004)

Good for you, Lucas!  Seeing a doctor will be great!  Three years ago, I was asked (by my family doctor) to see a psychologist for evaluation (due to suspected depression).  I couldn't afford one so my doctor arranged for me to see a psychiatrist in a clinic at no cost.  (our health plan covers psychiatrists but not psychologists)  It evolved into a long term doc-patient relationship, with no meds, but just someone to talk to that is objective, on once-a-month basis.  After few months, few people have said "something's different about you...you seem so....free and happy"  And I was.  I hope your visit goes just as well for you, Lucas.  Please do come back and let us know how you're doing (good or bad).  We'd love to hear from you.


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## ThatLady (Dec 24, 2004)

Sounds like you had a great day, Lucas! You have the impetus to keep trying, so you're bound to have a lot more good days. Best wishes to you, and have a happy holiday season. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing!


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## SpaceTime (Dec 28, 2004)

Nex said:
			
		

> It's a long story. I'd appreciate with all my heart (there's something left), any help I can get here. The only help I can get is here, both fortunately and unfortunately.



Without even reading though the entire post, I can totally relate to how you feel. In fact, I have the same condition. The same symptons..etc.

Anything and everything annoys me. No matter how minor. I tend to take EVERYTHING wayy to seriously. I think too critical (overthink things, even simple things).

I feel like I need to be someone special just to have a life. I'm on a ton of medication, and no, in my opinion, mediation on its own cannot do crap.

You need counseling. Counseling changes your thinking, medication just suppresses how you feel.


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