# How Adverse Childhood Experiences Affect Relationships



## David Baxter PhD (Sep 1, 2019)

*What Are Adverse Childhood Experiences? How Trauma From Emotional & Physical Abuse Affects Relationships*
by Renee Catt, _YourTango.com_
August 7, 2019

*Childhood trauma is surprisingly common and understandably painful, but healing is possible.*

I didn't figure out what love _wasn’t_  until I went through my tsunami of a divorce and came face-to-face with  the ongoing trauma causing by experiences of childhood abuse — all at  the same time.

You see, I was a victim (sorry, I hate that word,  but it is what it is) of childhood abuse, what those in the clinical  world refer to as Adverse Childhood Experiences.

*What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?*
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) definition, "Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) is the term used to describe all  types of abuse, neglect, and other potentially traumatic experiences  that occur to people under the age of 18."

The term originated in the 1990s,  after Dr. Vincent Felitti, head of Kaiser Permanente’s Department of  Preventive Medicine in San Diego, discovered a correlation between  childhood trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms "for depression,  anxiety, and fear".



The  resulting ACE Study "has produced more than 50 articles that look at  the prevalence and consequences of ACEs ... Subsequent studies have  confirmed the high frequency of adverse childhood experiences, or found  even higher incidences in urban or youth populations ... [and the]  original study questions have been used to develop a 10-item screening  questionnaire."

As NPR explains,  "An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and  other hallmarks of a rough childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood  Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is  likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems."

As  it turns out, adverse childhood experiences are surprisingly common,  with about two-thirds of survey respondents reporting experience with at  least one of the following as a child:


Physical abuse 
Sexual abuse 
Emotional abuse 
Physical neglect 
Emotional neglect 
Exposure to domestic violence 
Household substance abuse 
Household mental illness 
Parental separation or divorce 
Incarcerated household member 
Personally, I didn’t deal with my own childhood trauma until I was 39 years old, my marriage in tatters.

It  wasn’t because I didn’t want to deal with what had happened to me, but  rather because I only remembered it at the age of 29, while recovering  in hospital after being hit by a car (gotta love the way the brain  works).

Once I remembered, I tried keeping quiet about it for a decade.
Throughout my teens and early 20’s, I believed that in order to get love, I had to have sex with someone.

I didn’t realize this was how I was operating until I attended Tony Robbin’s Date With Destiny seminar.  Since then, I’ve worked with many women who’ve been in physically and  emotionally abusive relationships and can’t understand why they stayed  as long as they did — until they look back and realize they grew up  watching their father being emotionally and physically abusive to their  mom.

People  who’ve been through adverse childhood experiences not only face  increased physical health risks, but they also love differently because  of the negative expectations they've come to associate with love.

They  don’t do this consciously. They are playing out the patterns running  through their unconscious mind, their brain controlling the show on  auto-pilot.

Until you gain an awareness of your own unconscious  patterns, limiting beliefs and fears, the same tape will keep on playing  out for you in the conscious world.

Consider this: If you looked  back over the timeline of your life, would you see a pattern of broken  relationships with abusive and disrespectful partners? Or a pattern of  meeting someone great, only to self-sabotage the relationship because it  seemed too good to be true?

When  you’ve been through adverse childhood experiences, your unconscious  mind may become your own personal bully, telling you to believe lies  such as these:


"All the people I love will hurt or abuse me" 
"I deserve to be treated badly" 
"I am not worthy of lasting and loving relationships" 
Our  wonderful unconscious brain then seeks out to prove us right and keep  us safe. The patterns then keep on playing out in our version of what  love is.

The  good news is that you can heal, learn positive coping mechanisms and  live a long, healthy, happy life full of true, satisfying love.

"There  are people with high ACE scores who do remarkably well," Jack Shonkoff,  a pediatrician and director of the Center on the Developing Child at  Harvard University, told NPR.

"Resilience, he says, builds  throughout life, and close relationships are key. Recent research also  suggests that for adults, trauma informed therapy — which can center on  art, yoga or mindfulness training — can help."



*In my own experience, dealing with your childhood trauma as an adult is a powerful opportunity to learn what real love is.*

When  you learn how to love yourself absolutely and unconditionally, because  you are more than enough, you learn how to love others while setting  boundaries around what you will and will not accept.

Learning to  love yourself means learning that you can say no and not settle for any  man or woman who happens to come along because you feel lonely. Instead,  you’d rather be alone to do more self-discovery, then set out a course  that makes you a magnet for the kind of romantic love you want as well.

I never really knew what love was until I loved my self unconditionally. Once I did, I found an amazing new partner.

Along the way, I've learned so much.

I’ve learned that love is a verb, and we can choose who we love.

I've learned that I am so worth loving.

I've learned to let go of the past so that I can be in love with the now.

I've learned how to love my perfect imperfections that make me me.

I've learned to trust my intuition and see the good in someone.

I've learned to love me even more so that I have more love to give others.

Maybe you, like me, didn’t have great experiences growing up.

Now I know that I have the power to choose to see the flip side of adverse childhood experiences.

If I can do that, so can you.

*About Renee Catt*
_Renee  Catt is a certified business and personal coach, a nationally  accredited mediator with a diploma in Dispute Resolution, and the  leading female relationship coach in Australia, specializing in  separation and divorce issues. For more, visit her website or find her on Facebook._


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## Jesse910 (Sep 1, 2019)

Thanks David.  I am still learning how best to live my life and to be content in who I am.


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 1, 2019)

I think to some extent we all are, some more than others obviously.


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