# On my mind



## Lonewolf

Am a little preoccupied with suicidal thoughts again! I must admit it has been a while, but they have been pretty intense in the last day or two!! I still haven't got any decisions as to how the mental health team are going to help and ive lost the strength I need to keep on top of it!! 

So, unfortunately for you guys, I've been come back to you to try to avoid acting on these urges to hurt myself or even to kill myself!! (It feels kind of safer here)  Have had a struggle with a very low mood and hardly any enthusiasm to do anything, recently!! And the feeling as if nobody cares Is overpowering!  Very suspicious of people and what they are actually thinking about me!! Also of people being kind, is there something they are not being honest with me, about! Are my friends, not really friends and are out to get whatever's useful!! Are they smiling at me, but are really angry and upset with me?? 

I know i shouldn't try to guess what people are feeling and thinking!  I just can't help it!! I don't know who to trust and who I have to keep at arms length!! It's all very intimidating!  Want to hide!! 

I apologise for this! It probably sounds so pathetic!! I'm a wimp!! Wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole!!


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## Cat Dancer

*Re: on my mind!!*

I am sorry you're feeling this way. Is there anyone on the mental health team you can contact during this time? That sounds hard that things aren't really set up for you yet. Hang in there please! Your life is worth so much and there is hope. Thinking of you.


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## Lonewolf

*Re: on my mind!!*

The guy that's trying to sort things out is off sick alot!! And is at the moment! There isn't alot anyone else can do cos he's the one that needs to instigate the therapy,  the increase in my meds and when the 'rape crisis therapy' can start! It's silly that it is down to the one person to kick it all off, but there you have it!! I do have a support worker i can talk to!!  Although she seems very busy right now!! It all feels impossible to me!


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## Cat Dancer

Oh, that does sound hard.  I am sorry. Try to talk with the one you can talk with and take it one moment at a time. You can get through this. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness.


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## forgetmenot

the person that is off sick  you cannot leave a msg for this person to contact health team so things can get moving forward     I know what it is like hun when you need someone and there not available it is so hard i get that  but if you can just leave a msg for that person to contact the mental health team maybe this person will


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## Lonewolf

I will try that in the morning! Thanks lol!! Just feeling pathetic at the moment!! Im not doing so good!! It just seems endless!!!


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## forgetmenot

You are NOT pathetic ok and i know it is hard so hard to do the calling and the pushing to get things done i know it is hard i do  and i wish you had someone to help you 
if you have this persons number give it to the worker you are talking to and get that person to call and leave a msg ok  for him to get back to the mental health team as soon as possible


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## Lonewolf

I have left a message for this guy today so I just need wait now!!! Something has got to give!! Nothing is getting any easier!! I'm clinging on by my finer nails at the moment with a glimpse of hope that things will improve, but it getting harder to keep believing that!! Maybe im fighting a losing battle??


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## forgetmenot

No hun you are not fighting a losing battle  and you are certainly worth this fight  so i do hope this professional is able to contact your mental health team  if not today you keep calling ok  you keep in their faces until you get heard  i know it is hard but unfortunately that is how things are sometimes   Nothing comes easy hun  you are worth the fight ok don't give up   hugs


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## Ftbwgil

Hi Lonewolf  I can certainly to a point understand what happenned to you. To what degree no but I can sense the sadness.  Life offers a lot of beautifull things. A walk, a dream, a friend, a good memorie, laughter, a good meal, a nice drive, time with people you love, a chance to love yourself etc.  The point I am trying to make is yessss something terribly wrong happenned and it sometimes gets stuck in our head and it has power. Now think of the reverse that power can have such as A walk, a dream, a friend, a good memorie, laughter, a good meal, a nice drive, time with people you love, a chance to love yourself etc. At the very moment that you think of something you have made a DECISION TO THINK ....... about whatever it is you want to think about. I am not denying the bad things that happen they are real... what I want to bring up is that there are also so many good things to be joyfull about and while you are going thru this very difficult time it takes 2x the effort to come up with posititves but the payoff is wonderfull.  You are not losing a battle because you do not need to fight. Learn to pamper yourself..... take a pen and write all the things you liked loved appreciated as a kid and then the things you like now. Write your goals wether they be travel, dining, friendship , seeing something feeling some way.... all of that is just around the corner and it starts with visualization and belief and lots of love for yourself.  Im sorry for the pain you are having and believe me there is hope..... several years ago .. actually my whole life I was confused because of my childhood and in the last 10 yeRS i HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD reading therapy group sessions learning to trust. 

 Its hard work and the nice thing is that people care for you a lot and the ressources are there.  We just have to work at it harder than most. But it does get better and I believe it gets better than most because we learn to love ourselves unconditionaly


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## Lonewolf

Am so close to just giving up now!!!! I'm so sorry for wasting anyone's time!! Thanks to all of you for supporting me!! Nothing has gotten any better,  still no changes!! I've been clinging on thinking that there is hope for someone to help me, but it seems endless and pointless!! I don't feel like I can hold out much longer!! Does it really matter any more?? I'm sorry I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment, just need it all to stop!!!!


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## forgetmenot

Lonewolf your are not wasting anyones time hun and i hear your frustration i do  If you need immediate attention then you go to hospital ok  you call crisis line and talk to someone that can get you some support   Please do not harm yourself  it takes time hun and it will happen you will get the support  but for now if you are unstable go to emerg ok and talk to crisis team there  hugs


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## Mari

H! Lonewolf, we are very fortunate to have you here. Being sensitive is okay and I do know how difficult it can be to accept kindness but we do care very much. I keep the distress centre phone number beside my phone and as forgetmenot said, call if you need to or even go to emergency. Maybe this poster that I made for myself might be helpful. Hugs from me too.


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## MHealthJo

Try to hang on some way or another Lonewolf... Life has good times it can offer you and you deserve to see those times come..... xox

I really like Mari's poster.....

If you are unsafe definitely call crisis or emergency....

And/or, please talk to us if there are feelings you could get out by talking through them... sometimes talking or writing what's underneath, can release a little of the burden...


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## Lonewolf

I can't!! Some of the things I need to say may not appropriate on here! I don't know how to word it all? I worry that once I open the can of worms, it will all just keep coming out and I am so aware of upsetting people or breaking the rules that it's probably best I don't say anything too deep!! Sorry, I am scared of even thinking about it!!


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## MHealthJo

Ah, I see, yes, it's good that you are aware of being careful of the rules and of things that could trigger others. 

It is so good though that there are crisis lines and talk lines available though, where you are more free to say anything that you wish, without any concern of triggering other users, because they are more private and are set up just to benefit the one person talking. I wonder if you need to get out some more detailed things that could be triggering, that might be an option for you at the moment?


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## Lonewolf

Thanks lol!  I appreciate you replying to me!! I am so afraid of what to do or say in my life generally, not just on here! Scared to tell anyone anything!  It's all twisted up inside me!! Im frightened to be feeling like this! I don't trust anybody with anything!  I don't want to do anything to upset anyone and I can't cope with anymore trouble I may get myself into for discussing my thought and feelings!!
 I am again having to face all the horrors on my own!! I don't know maybe it will make me tougher!! Years and years ago, nothing bothered me! I didn't worry about consequences,  of how others felt or what happened to me! I really didn't give two hoots about anything! Now, im the complete opposite and panic if I get too close!! I hurt so much, I can't take anymore! 
This forum is a god send to many people, including me!! I've lost the ability to trust!! I hope I can regain it eventually!! For now I am going to hide under my duvet and try to stay away from other people! I don't want to infect them with my nightmares!!


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## MHealthJo

It is very difficult feeling that way... sometimes when bad things have happened, or if we have been in situations where we've been blamed unfairly and people say things are our fault, we can later get confused about the amount that we can affect others....We can start worrying a great deal that we are going to cause huge damage or something.... boundaries can get all blurred. It's very hard.... 

But remember if you just write about a disturbing topic in a sort of a general way and not too specific or detailed, it will usually be okay. And also we have moderators who can catch something if there's detail that is better left out, and we can just adjust it for you... We would know that you did your best and we would just make a little adjustment and it would not be trouble or something to worry about.


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## Lonewolf

Just need to feel safe!!


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## Mari

Who can you talk with that will help you feel safe? I have a priority list of good people to talk with including my family doctor who I have an appointment with this afternoon. What can you actively do? You can certainly write some of your thoughts here. :support:


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## Lonewolf

Hi! I don't know how to say what's going on at the moment,  it's too difficult!!! I just needed to know that im not on my own right now!! I'm feeling quite vulnerable and need to know there are some good/kind people out there!! Am so sorry to bug anyone, I desperately don't want to annoy or bother anyone!! Apologies for being a nuisance!!!! Tell me to go away if you want to??


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## Mari

I do not think you are a nuisance or bothering anyone here. Sometimes when I am really stressed I will just go to The Waiting Room and check some of the threads there to see if there is anything that might cheer me. Can you talk a little bit about what the difficulty is? Please keep yourself safe.


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## Lonewolf

Ive had a bad experience recently and it's left me feeling even more disgusting in this body, I truly hate it! I can't talk about it!!  Im sorry!!


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## MHealthJo

So sorry you have had something bad happen Lonewolf and the feelings you're struggling with. 

Just keep chatting to us anytime you want, about anything. Even if you feel you can't go into a certain topic or something, feel free to always just chat in a different way or on a different topic, if it just helps you not feel alone.... Chat about anything, post some other general topic, just talk about smaller things in life or this or that or the other, whatever you like, in a Just Chat thread, or post a cute picture or some pretty pictures you find, or anything you like.


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## Lonewolf

Hi!! Why is it that sometimes the words you need just are not as forthcoming as you'd like? They are filling your head, but your mouth won't connect up? You feel that your head is literally going to explode unless you let it out,  but you can't find the way to release some of the pressure? Is it maybe better you don't and hope eventually it would all disappear? Are some secrets better left as secrets?? If no one else is being hurt, is it worth saying anything anyway?? mg:


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## MHealthJo

Anything you are thinking or feeling can be worth saying if you choose, Lonewolf....

Sometimes writing can be an option too - even privately, if to someone else doesn't work or isn't possible at a given time. Other people start out by writing thoughts and showing their therapist or counsellor, or someone else - finding that at first, they can't physically speak the words.

But sometimes it's not just the speaking that's hard; it's words. So
all different types of art are used by many people to express something or unload something, too. Or taking a picture of an object, or finding pictures and collaging them. Or music, or poetry, or creating textures  or doing things with fabric or crafts...Food, even.. Scupture... Object collections.... Or just plain colours or shapes....

xx


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## Lonewolf

mg::facepalm:mg::facepalm:


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## MHealthJo

Hugs to you Lonewolf as you keep hanging in there....


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## Lonewolf

I am back here again!! I apologize!! Really I do!!  I have that horrible feeling that I am in the way of everything and everyone, including myself!! Its not easy to explain so I am so sorry if I don't make any sense!! This is the only way I can tell someone how it is for me because my words seem to get lost between thinking them and saying them!! Its very, very difficult to hold a verbal conversation cos I forget half way through exactly what it was I was talking about!! Its so frustrating!!! These nasty thoughts and feelings are incredibly frightening at the moment and I am alone with them!! Very alone!! I am also so angry with myself for being back here again!!  I wish I could get something right!!


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## David Baxter PhD

You're not in the way of anyone. This is why this forum exists.


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## forgetmenot

You are not alone Lonewolf   you are here with us  and we hear you ok    I am sorry you are feeling so low right now  it is ok to talk here ok  no one will judge you  here hugs


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## Lonewolf

I wish I knew all the reasons I feel like this, but the truth is, I don't!!  I am having a few major issues at the group I have been attending because someone from the past has shown up there and I have had several panic attacks from just seeing him again and the feeling that he is invading the one place I felt safe!! That's knocked me for six!!!  Family issues that you all are probably so fed up with, are seriously upsetting me, more than usual!! I haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything verbally, because I keep forgetting what I am saying!! Unfortunately, you guys are getting this because I can write it on here!! Its not so stuck now!! I would love to know why this person showing up has effected me so much? I haven't seen him for years and yet just the thought of him being about again, frightens me so much I can't eat, can't sleep and most of all, I am on edge all the time, paranoid that he might hurt me again!! It feels like my world has once again collapsed on me!! I am so sorry for rambling, I have so much going on inside mei just need it all to stop now!! I don't want to be scared anymore!!


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## Retired

> I haven't seen him for years and yet just the thought of him being about again, frightens me so much I can't eat, can't sleep and most of all, I am on edge all the time, paranoid that he might hurt me again!!



Does this person know where you live?  If no, then is there some way he may be able to find out? 

If this person committed a crime against you, can you not report him to the police and get a restraining order against him?


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## Lonewolf

Unfortunately he does know where I live and the fear that he might just turn up here is a very big fear of mine!! I let him stay in my spare room for a couple of months, just over 5 years ago and this is when 'it' happened!! I am not able to go to the police with this because I am not strong enough to do that by myself and I don't have anyone to go with me!! I am just so bloody weak and I am so annoyed with myself!! I don't understand why this is effecting me so badly!! He doesn't even seem to remember what happened!! Maybe it's me? Maybe I am the one with the issues? Maybe he has nothing to do with what's happening to me? I don't know? I really don't know?


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## Retired

> I am not strong enough to do that by myself and I don't have anyone to go with me!!



Can you telephone the local police department, explain your situation and ask for someone to come to see you at your home?

Another option would be to locate a woman's shelter or woman's crisis center and ask them to help....that's what they are there for.


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## Lonewolf

I can't do it!!  It's my own fault!! I should never have trusted him!! I should never have tried to be something that I wasn't! I must have 'abuse me' written on my forehead or something? Do you think that I will settle down abit soon!?? I just need to talk!! I am so pathetic right now!! Why am I letting this upset me so much?? It's doing my head in!! Please don't give up on me? I am strong enough to deal with this right now!! I can't do it!!! I just need a hug and maybe feel safe for a minute or two!! That's all! Will this fear ever go away?? I apologize for being so stupid!!


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## MHealthJo

We are with you...

We hope that maybe it could force you in a little bit of time to ring the police and have them come over..
 You can just say "I need to report an assault but I'm too aftaid and upset to leave home just yet..." Would it help if you ask for two lady officers to come? - Maybe at first they could just talk at your house, and if you need to go to the station you could do that later.

Just remember he could be doing something to others too, or making people feel as scared as you do. Maybe there has been another report from a long time ago but they need someone else to come forward to investigate it further.

Because of what has happened, perhaps you could get a restraining order so that he cannot come to the same group you go to.

At least, if you have the police come and talk, or speak to a womens crisis centre or eomens assault line or helpline, you could ask whatever question you like and find out what your options are...  You may feel much better and much safer. We all feel much better when we know our options and take action for ourselves. xx


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## Retired

Jo,

You make some excellent points.

A recorded police report is one's best defense if the case ever comes to trial.  More important, as you alluded to, is to preclude this individual from harming others.

Lonewolf, by gathering the courage and taking the initiative to communicate with the legal authorities, can help you regain control of your life.  Consider reaching out to a women's support group for assistance.


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## Lonewolf

This is so very close to another situation I still have great problems facing!! I just want to die!l I won't though, cos that's far too simple!! It would be the answer to all my problems, but I think I am here to suffer, suffer, suffer and suffer some more!! I CAN'T cope with this!! It seems to be that the weight of the world is firmly on my shoulders yet again!! I know I have said it many times before, but I am going to stress it as loud as I can, I am so frightened!! Why have B*******s like these got so much power over what we feel and how we live!! And to force us into circumstances that effect us for the rest of this shitty life!!


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## MHealthJo

It is good that you are letting those feelings out LW. 

I think you said something that is sort of the key.... 'Why do these bad people have so much power'....

They do not have to though. Fear is the reason that they have the power they have. Because fear causes others to let those bad people get away with things.

It is so tough to get past the fear. But help is available so that we can get justice and safety in motion. Safety and security and freedom from harm or abuse, is a right for all of us.

When the innocent people have had enough and decide to do something, that is what can take away the power of the bad ones. And it's so  helpful for helping us to feel safer -by taking action.  xx


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## Lonewolf

I don't think I can go through it all again!!  I have been through the whole process before and it seems more difficult now than it did the first time!! I know I sound like a right wimp and maybe I shouldn't complain about this man if I can't/won't actually do anything about him! I am sorry!! I know you guys are right, but if any of you have been through this sort of thing before, you might understand why I am so petrified about going anywhere with it!!  I am sorry if I have annoyed anyone with my cowardliness!! I feel like a stupid coward!! I do!! I am frightened of going to that place again!!


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## MHealthJo

Was there a bad experience? 

When you are ready LW I hope you can ask your social worker or a womens advocacy worker to go with you. You probably also would not have to have a physical examination or anything, with the report being of that long ago. I am not sure though - feel free to ask them.

I hope there is a possibility that you could go to a different group from this person, or something... It is a shame if he causes you to lose that source of help. xx


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## Lonewolf

Yes!! He hurt me!! Badly!! I don't think there is another group like this in my area!! I am going to have to do the same thing as I do when I see my brother! Suppress my feelings and try to cope with any that I can't bury with help from the staff at the group!!! Not ideal, but this group is my life support machine and I don't think I could manage without it!! It gives me a reason to get up in the mornings!! I have also been trying so hard to significantly reduce contact with my family, which is very painful and difficult! This group has been the only place I felt safe for a long time, apart from my home!! Both of which are very stressful right now!! I feel like everything is slipping away from me again!! I am finding it almost impossible to see the end of the day, let alone the near future!! I am sorry!! I'm defeated!! Its pointless!! I'll never win in this life!!


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## MHealthJo

Please try to call a womens centre or womens advocacy group or mental health advocacy group hun so that you can pursue justice. It is not fair for you to have these situations due to fear of making a report. They may also help you to find other groups and supports if it ends up that he is still in your group. 

I'm so sorry you have these difficulties to deal with.


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## PrincessX

Lone wolf, any chance you talk to the group administrator or organization responsible for the group and explain the situation as much or as little as you can and then ask them to ban this man from the group? So sorry you have to go through so many difficulties. We are all sending you love and trying to be helpful.


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## Lonewolf

Thank you all for your support at this time!! It means so much to me!


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## Lonewolf

I have really messed up!!! I went to the group and a person that I thought was a friend, made a comment about how they thought I was over reacting about this man and for the first time in my life, I lost control of myself and went up like a volcano!! This man was sat not 5 yards from me!! That didn't help either!! The worse thing is that I frightened myself with the anger and the strength I felt after that comment!! Am I really over reacting? Do you think I will lose my cool again? I have never let out my feelings in such a way before!! I don't understand why this happened!! Things are very difficult with the friend as well now!! I am trying to keep going to the group because I don't want to let him win!! But he already has!! Hasn't he??


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## PrincessX

Hi Lonewolf. No, he has not won anything. It seems like this person who made the comment does not know enough about him and regardless no one in your support group should be judging you. This person had no right to say you were overreacting. Is there someone supervising or advising the people in the group that you can talk to?


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## MHealthJo

I think in this situation LW you also really need to talk about what happened earlier with this man, to the friend and to the group leader. They need to know why you are afraid of the man.

Really, he shouldn't be there, he should be in custody, and all kinds of problems happen when a criminal is not in custody. At the very least, you need to tell the group leader and it would be good if you could tell your friend.

Really people might not be safe around this person and they need to know before a problematic opportunity happens - what happened with you could happen again or sonething else could happen. It will also help people understand your reaction.


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## Lonewolf

I did talk to a staff member after the incident happened!! They reassured me that I was safe there, I wasn't to let him stop me going to the group!! That is easier said than done to be honest!! I just feel so stupid letting this person get to me like this!! At the group they are arranging activities for the group to do over Christmas and although I would love to go with them, I am trying to avoid anything this man may be going to purely because I can't bring myself to socialize with him, I won't enjoy it!! Christmas is going to be so damn hard and so painful anyway and seeing him, I think, will push me over the edge completely!! I am clinging on by my fingernails at the moment and dying would answer all my problems right now!! I am no good at trying to take my life either!! So that's just something else I naff up too!! Right now, I am very destraught!! Nothing is going well!! I am struggling to find reasons to keep going!! I wish dying was as much as a choice as deciding not getting out of bed in the morning!! If our number is not up, we aren't going anywhere!! No matter what we want, do or say???


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