# I'm back, and so is IT



## rebecca8 (Aug 15, 2008)

Hello again, my computer crashed a few months ago. I'm borrowing a laptop now. I used to come to this site a lot. Anyway, the blues are back. I was really OK for awhile, I got my old job back, was keeping busy there, and making plans to better my future. Then they started cutting my hours, and I started feeling really depressed and anxious again. 

All I do is talk, talk, talk, talk about what I want to do, and it never seems like I ever get anything done. I've been saying that I want to go back to school, and I even registered for classes. Then I decided to change the classes, and the school said I could do it online, so I dropped the old ones with the intent to add new ones. Of course, it wouldn't let me now, and apparently I have to go back into the school and do the whole thing over again. It took me FOREVER to sign up for these classes. It's things like this that make me feel like I want to give up. 

Also, I start questioning my choice of what to study, and keep changing my mind. I can't think of anything I'm interested in enough to follow through with. It's such a long commitment, I don't know how I will be able to keep myself motivated to actually finish something I start. 

I feel like I had climbed out of a hole, and now I'm slowly sliding down it again. I slept until 1:30 pm today. I was supposed to get up early to straighten this stuff out. I still wonder what the point is. It's such a struggle to accomplish anything when you're depressed. And then I'm reminded that I really should see someone, yet I have no $$$, and no insurance, still.

Thought I'd visit this site because I have a lot in common with others who gain their support from this community. 

Yesterday at work, I had 2 of those posh, designer brand high maintenence girls laughing at me because I found a dead butterfly, and was going to keep it because it was so beautiful.......black with sparkly blue wing tips. (wondered if it was a symbolic gift from the universe to help me transform???) I was asking this older co-worker what I could do with it. He suggested framing it. The girls rudely suggested without my asking their opinion to throw it in the trash. It didn't bother me so much then, until I had another woman I work with later ask me what's wrong with my hair.....(it gets real frizzy in the humidity.) I asked her, "What do you mean?" She replied, "Oh, so you don't see what I see, Rebecca, you gotta do something about that hair." I just looked at her, and walked away, while saying sarcasticly, "People here are so NICE!" 

I started feeling inferior after these dumb comments from these ignorant women.  It seems like certain people sense when you're very weak, and will attack you. I spiralled down into my negative thought patterns.........you must look and act a certain way to be successful, or whatever. I know that's absurd, but it's where my mind goes when I'm feeling like this. What do you call it?.... self defeating thought patterns? Well, I'll end here, just wanted to talk it out with people who actually understand and go through the same thing. Thanks for listening.


----------



## Daniel (Aug 15, 2008)

*Re: I'm back, and so is IT.*



> And then I'm reminded that I really should see someone, yet I have no $$$, and no insurance



I don't remember if you already mentioned this before:  Does your college offer mental health services or low-cost insurance?



> I still wonder what the point is.



Personally, I find this helpful:

Nietzche on Hardship - Philosophy: A Guide to Happiness



> It's such a long commitment, I don't know how I will be able to keep myself motivated to actually finish something I start.



I took like 5 years off before graduating    I was able to finish by taking courses online.   And my former real estate agent took 8 years to graduate by studying part-time.   This is just to say, worse come to worse, you will always be able to finish later.


----------



## ladylore (Aug 15, 2008)

*Re: I'm back, and so is IT.*

Glad to see _you _back Rebecca, but not the depression. What your talking about sounds like typical symptoms of depression. Yes symptoms have come back but since you have successfully dealt with it before means you also have more tools at your disposal now to use.

:support:


----------



## rebecca8 (Aug 24, 2008)

Hello, thanks for the reassurance. Well, after about a week, I think I've realized that some of these depressive episodes are estrogen related. Yesterday I found this book that talks about a women's estrogen levels and her depression. It makes a lot of sense in my situation. I didn't really look at the book in detail because of my short term ADD yesterday, but it looks like I might have found at least one of the major sources of my depression. Now, the things that made feel so down last week aren't so bad this week. Of course, school starts tomorrow, and I'm still uncertain if this is the right path. I actually have an appt. to meet with another school at 1pm, and then my class starts at 6 pm. I don't know of anyone else who is as indecisive as I am. I also read about shy people having major problems deciding on a career/educational path. Yep, that's me too. One of the paths I've been considering for some time now seems to be the safe path because I already know how to do it, and am good at it, but I'm not sure if I'm searching to learn something else (and that's why I haven't followed through completely), or just avoiding that path for some reason. The other path is the one that I've already signed up for, and it's new, and I'm just plain afraid of it because of my shyness. But, I also feel that the challenge of overcoming my shyness would be very satisfying. (working in the legal field)  I understand that you need to be assertive, sometimes aggressive, and have a thick skin. This path just seems absurd to me sometimes because I'm none of those things. Aren't we suppose to pursue activities in life that require us to grow, though? I really admire people who are assertive, and others listen to what they have to say. Nobody walks all over them. I know this isn't the shyness forum, but my meekness often brings me down too. Anyway, thank you again for your support.


----------



## Into The Light (Aug 24, 2008)

rebecca, i read the book "feel the fear and do it anyway" and to my surprise it revealed that highly successful people get scared too. the difference is that they don't let the fear stop them. once they conquer one challenge there is always another. so they look really self-confident and like nothing scares them, but really they get scared too like anyone else  they just push themselves a bit outside of their comfort zone, and that is how they accomplish things.

i think you should stick with what you're doing, even though you are scared. being scared is normal when doing something new and out of your comfort zone.

i admire assertive people too and i hope to one day be one of them. i'm better than i used to be but have a long way to go. just stick with it and you will get there :goodjob:


----------



## rebecca8 (Aug 25, 2008)

Into the Light, I haven't checked out the book yet, but wow, I REALLY felt the fear today, but did it anyway. Thanks for that suggestion. I almost dropped all of my classes! Before today's class though, I went and got the mail. In it was a newsletter from the Animal Legal Defense Fund. I read this horrible story about a kitten's suffering. I cried for a little while, and realized that my fears about becoming somebody I like and respect seemed so small compared to the real problems in the world and in other beings' lives. I don't know where this path will take me, but at least I'm trying something new. I also realized that other people in the class did have the same questions and fears. I even spoke in class, even though I blushed. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging or something. I just wanted to tell my experience of how scared I was to simply go to 1 stinkin' class, and with my heart beating and short breaths, I just made the motions to get there. Once I was there I was OK. I guess I just stopped thinking for a second. I wonder if keeping depression at bay involves trying something or learning something new and interesting.


----------



## solitary man (Aug 30, 2008)

Hey Rebecca, good to see you back.

One trick that's been working for me is to make small steps, one at a time.

And facing the fear, I used the idea from an episode of LOST.

Feel the fear for 5 seconds, then do what's scaring you to death.

I recently used this theory.

I met someone who I felt an instant connection to...blame the pheromones. LOL

My usual pattern is to dwell on not saying anything and become obsessed about the person.

Decided to take the plunge and work through my fear.

Asked the person out, granted it via email.

Didn't pan out, but feeling quite proud of myself for trying.

One thing I've learned...the floor didn't open up and I didn't die of embarrasment.

Yippee!:jiggy:


Talking in a classroom of people....baby steps.


----------



## rebecca8 (Sep 3, 2008)

Ok, well I did it. I dropped 2 of my classes. I hope it wasn't a fear based decision. I thought to myself that I might be more successful doing volunteer work, and may not be happy in a paying position within the legal field. In fact I signed up for some legal advocate volunteer work, and wasn't at all afraid to do that.  I don't know why I'm so afraid to follow my other choice. I think I was trying to avoid it. I wonder if I'm just trying to avoid responsibility. Or, I have an imprinted anxiety because when I was 19 I moved out on my own, worked full time at an animal hospital, and was so poor. After bills, rent, and food, I was left with $20 extra for the month. It was ALL work, and no play. I wonder if that's why I keep trying to become a vet tech again, but keep failing because I'm scared to be so poor again. Going to school again was scaring me a little, but going to vet tech school scares me to death. Not moving forward in life has indeed made me feel so depressed. Are we supposed to do the things that scare us the most? I might have been copping out, and doing the thing that scared me just a little. I guess I'll keep trying until I can leap over that huge wall of fear.


----------



## adaptive1 (Sep 3, 2008)

But it sounds to me like you are moving forward Rebecca, you are checking out your options trying to figure out what you want to do. You will figure it out in time. I think going back to school part time is a good option, that is what I did and I worked full time, because like you I had no money. It took longer but I didnt have to worry about money so much. Sounds like you are on the right track, you like working with animals, you will figure it out, is there anything else you can do with animals that would help you work with your strengths. Like you sound very caring and compassionate, could you work at a Humane Society or something or something like the World Wildelife Federation..  

I am not sure if you have to do the things that scare you the most, but others might have better thoughts on that. TO me, its like you take the big things and break them into tiny chunks so it isn't as scary. Thats how I do it. I have anxiety problems as well, and this method is helpful to me.


----------



## ladylore (Sep 3, 2008)

adaptive1 said:


> But it sounds to me like you are moving forward Rebecca, you are checking out your options trying to figure out what you want to do. You will figure it out in time. I think going back to school part time is a good option, that is what I did and I worked full time, because like you I had no money. It took longer but I didnt have to worry about money so much. Sounds like you are on the right track, you like working with animals, you will figure it out, is there anything else you can do with animals that would help you work with your strengths. Like you sound very caring and compassionate, could you work at a Humane Society or something or something like the World Wildelife Federation..
> 
> I am not sure if you have to do the things that scare you the most, but others might have better thoughts on that. TO me, its like you take the big things and break them into tiny chunks so it isn't as scary. Thats how I do it. I have anxiety problems as well, and this method is helpful to me.



:agree: :goodpost:


----------



## rebecca8 (Sep 3, 2008)

Oh, I guess that is true. I didn't think of it like that before....checking out my options. Thank you adaptive for saying it that way. I guess I'm going to try to not beat myself up about it. Usually when I quit something I feel like a failure. I think I'm supposed to have more faith in my decisions.


----------

