# Something Strange has been Happening



## Kathleen (Nov 15, 2010)

I have depression, but for the last 3 weeks or so it has been different.  I feel very depressed but this depression is not the same.  My thoughts are going a mile a minute.  They are usually so slow, but they are now so fast it is sometime hard to break them apart from each other.  They are all meshed together with no spaces kind of like this.  Theyareallmeshedtogetherwithnospaceskindoflikethis.  When I can break them apart I have songs repeating themselves along with thoughts of what i want to do with my life.  These thoughts are then erased by depressing thoughts about how my goals will never go through because I have screwed up somewhere.  Then I start thinking about where I messed up and I start getting anxious because I now have thoughts of all the things I need to do in school within the next couple weeks and how I dont have enough time to get it all done.  Then I start having feelings of guilt and thoughts start pouring in about where I went wrong and how it is going to affect everyone around me.  I can't shut them off.  
Why has my slow brain and thinking process turned into this raging mess that I can't catch?  Why can't I turn it off?  It is driving me insane.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2010)

Kathleen, have you been given a diagnosis? Are you taking any medications currently? Have you changed medications recently? Are you using or have you recently used any street/recreational drugs? Has anything else changed in your life in recent days, weeks, or months?


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## Kathleen (Nov 15, 2010)

I was diagnosed with borderline personality 5 years ago. In April I was given the diagnoses of depression.  I have been on different medications for the past 8 years.  I stopped taking my clozapine 2 years ago and was put on respiradone and something else...I forget.  In april I was switched over to prozac.  I stopped taking it in August and ended up in the hospital after trying to kill myself.  The doc there put me on effexor, but I had really bad side effects so he took me off.  I havent been on anything since.  I do smoke pot occasionally, but haven't in about 6 weeks.  The only thing that has changed recently in my life is that my mom almost died a week ago from a bleed in her brain.  The thoughts have been going fast for longer then that though.  I just want them to go away.  I have trouble sleeping at night too cuz the thoughts don't shot off.  I wake up EVERY morning at 3am too.  Sometimes I am paralyzed and I can't move.  These dark figures come toward me and I can feel their presence.  They sometimes pin me down to my bed.  It is so scary.  I started cutting myself again too.  I hadnt cut in about 4 months.  I am just loosing control.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2010)

The "dark figures" might be part of your sleep disorder rather than hallucinations (see *hypnagogic illusions* and *sleep paralysis*) and you do seem to be in a high anxiety state recently, but either way you need to get in to see your doctor again and get on some medication. It's possible that you're expewriencing a manic episode or something else and you definitely need to get something to regulate your mood and your sleep.


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## forgetmenot (Nov 15, 2010)

Hi Kathleen it must be awful for you to have all these thoughts in your head moving so quickly   I often have them too.    Please call your doctor as Dr. Baxter has said   If need be go to emergency hospital and tell them you need some medication to stabilize you until you can see your doctor. . Let us know how you are doing okay and if you got some help.


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## Kathleen (Nov 15, 2010)

The sleep paralysis thing is exactly what happens.  It is terrifying.  I am sometimes scared to go to sleep because I dont want this to happen.  I don't think I am in a manic state because my mood is so low.  I am also ssoooo tired and have most of the symptoms of depression other then the thoughts flying in every direction.  I do agree I need to get back on medication.  I have been so impulsive lately, which kind of scares me when I get thinking about it after the fact.  I am so not an impulsive person.  I always think before I act, but it just hasnt been happening in that order lately. I am on a sleeping pill.  I take 15mg zopiclone to sleep.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 15, 2010)

It is actually possible to be hypomanic/manic and depressed at the same time, or cycling between the two states so rapidly that it feels like at the same time.


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## Kathleen (Nov 16, 2010)

Violet...I moved away from home in may...8 hours away.  The hospital got my records from back home and saw I was diagnosed with bpd and now refuse to treat me because they said people with bpd fabricate everything and are just attention-seeking.  I felt so unsafe last week and I couldnt go to the hospital because they now refuse to treat me so I had to go to the womens shelter to keep myself safe.  I am back at home this week because of my mom being sick and I got an apt with my pdoc tomorrow.  Hopefully she can help me.

---------- Post added at 11:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:10 PM ----------

I have neve felt like this before though.  I have never been manic before.  I didn't know it was possible to be both at the same time.

---------- Post added November 16th, 2010 at 12:33 PM ---------- Previous post was November 15th, 2010 at 11:11 PM ----------

Just thought I would let you know that I saw my doctor this morning.  She is starting me on invega (?) 3mg.  I have never heard of that one before, but I hope it can slow my thoughts down.  I see her again when I come home on Christmas break around the 20th.  Does anyone know anything about invega?


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 16, 2010)

Invega is a brand name for Paliperidone, one of the newer so-called "atypical antipsychotics" which are used these days for everything from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder to depression, anxiety disorders, and sleep disorders, depending on the prescribed dose.


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## forgetmenot (Nov 16, 2010)

Glad you got see your pdoc good for you.  As for the hospital who refused to treat you well i am sorry that hospital is not up on BPD at all.  The are still stuck on thinking a person with this illness is all behavioral problems  I have been through that discrimination as well with people i know.  It is so wrong  and i would go to a different hospital next time.  It is so wrong that when one see that diagnosis it is like you are blackballed from everything    If possible see if your pdoc can get that label removed from your charts okay that way you can get the treatment you are in need of and deserve to get.  I am sorry you too are having to face really a system that alienates you instead of helping you.  take care   I am glad you are back on medication let us know how it goes okay.


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## Been there Done that (Nov 16, 2010)

Outpatient care really is better than inpatient because the hospital keeps you for two weeks at tops. How many times have you been put in the hospital?


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 16, 2010)

Been there Done that said:


> Outpatient care really is better than inpatient because the hospital keeps you for two weeks at tops. How many times have you been put in the hospital?


 
Actually, with outpatient care you don't stay overnight at the hospital at all. You attend appointments or day care programs and go home at night.

In Canada, there is such a shortage of hospital beds these days that you're not going to be kept in hospital for even a day longer than you absolutely have to be.


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## Been there Done that (Nov 16, 2010)

I know that only inpatient care stays over for the night. 

How many times have you known a person to come in and be hospitalized?  For me it 

is 4 times-anyone with more times than that? I am curious


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 16, 2010)

Been there Done that said:


> I know that only inpatient care stays over for the night.



Okay then I'm confused by what you meant here:



Been there Done that said:


> Outpatient care really is better than inpatient because the hospital keeps you for two weeks at tops.


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## Kathleen (Nov 18, 2010)

I have been in the hospital 7-8 times in the past 8 years.  Outpatient care works the best for me because I tend to fall even deeper if I am admitted to the hospital.  

I don't think it is fair for a hospital to refuse any care for physical or mental ailments because of a bpd diagnoses.  It is hard because I have lots of physical health problems as well...being hypoglycemic, having tachycardia that comes and goes and gall bladder problems ALL THE TIME. (they should just remove the darn thing considering I get stones all the time no matter what diet they put me on)  I was actually back at home this past week and had to go up to the ER because of heart problems.  My resting was 64 bpm and as soon as I stood up it would jump to 135 bpm.  It actually got up to 157 bpm when we were doing an ambulatory walking around the room.  The machine started beeping so loud, which I took as a bad thing.  I was told by the doctor that i was "an interesting case". lol  I am scared if it comes back because the hospital here won't see me.  I hate having a diagnosis...It makes life so hard.


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## forgetmenot (Nov 18, 2010)

I really hope you can talk to your pdoc and get that diagnosis off your chart because i do know it interfers with getting help   It is not fair and it is not right  but it does happen.  Talk with your doctor okay and ask for that label to be removed  take care.


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## Eeyore (Nov 18, 2010)

Hey Kathleen,

I'm currently taking Invega and have been taking it for about 2 years (approximately since it came out in Canada), and I have found it very helpful, if I keep taking it on a regular, consistent basis.  It is when I go off the medication, or take it "when I feel like it" I find that I have trouble with my thoughts, and voices, and other things.  I really hope it helps you.  I found it better than Risperdal, which I used to take, because I find Invega is better in terms, of less sedation, and less weight gain.  Hope this helps. Take care.


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