# Shall I ever find stability?



## Velkyn (Aug 22, 2004)

This may seem a little strange,
I used to date women more or less +/- 5 years of my age, it never seemed to work, even thought I hope that as years pass by things would work out. But to no avail, unsatisfactory, time and time again.
But I seem to have taken an option to having relations with women much younger than I, but then there is "outside reasons" that shorten the reliationship, or worst "personal reasons" that inhibite the start of the relationship...but the satisfaction I retrieve of these relationships is so very much higher! I thought I was abnormal until my sister, after her divorce starting dating a guy almost half her age. What I`m trying to bring up, is that I`ve just moved to another part of Canada and inter-generation relationships seem to be more taboo here than my previous location. 
I seem to grow more introverted as time goes by because of this...should
I opt out ASAP...or just sit tight till I can re-locate in two-three years...and
be damned time and again.... 
Looking for the light in the fog...
Velkyn


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 23, 2004)

Hi, *Velkyn*: Welcome to PsychLinks Online!

I must say that the first thing that comes to mind reading this post is that I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing. I'm not going to try to convince you that relationships with large age discrepancies never work because a few do -- but more don't. I don't think that in most cases the defining factor in a relationship is age -- it's the person, or more accurately the two people and how they connect and interact.

If you are finding that you can only connet with women much younger than you, I'd want to ask why do you think that is? What is it about younger women that makes the relationship more exciting, fulfilling, or whatever it is about those relationships that attracts you?

In particular, if you believe you are in a community now that is less accepting of or actively frowns upon age-discrepant relationships, why condemn yourself to celibacy while you live there? Are you telling yourself that peer-age relationships cannot work for you at all? If so, I'd again say that you may be focusing on the wrong aspect of potential relationships or partners.


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## Velkyn (Aug 23, 2004)

*Thank you for your time *



> David Baxter Hi, *Velkyn*: Welcome to PsychLinks Online!


 Thank you



> I must say that the first thing that comes to mind reading this post is that I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing.


Well I`m just saying how things are for me.


> I'm not going to try to convince you that relationships with large age discrepancies never work because a few do -- but more don't.


That I very well know, if not I would be in a relationship right now.


> I don't think that in most cases the defining factor in a relationship is age -- it's the person, or more accurately the two people and how they connect and interact.


Well you might be partially right, but I think it is a very important factor. 



> If you are finding that you can only connect with women much younger than you, I'd want to ask why do you think that is?


Well I think that the fact of having a very demanding and stressfull job, I need not come home to additional complications, by past experience, younger women seem more easy going and seem to simplify their demands and expectations.


> What is it about younger women that makes the relationship more exciting, fulfilling, or whatever it is about those relationships that attracts you?


Well the sexual attraction is hard to beat and I feel much younger and at ease when I`m with a younger woman.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 23, 2004)

*Re: Thank you for your time *



			
				Velkyn said:
			
		

> > If you are finding that you can only connect with women much younger than you, I'd want to ask why do you think that is?
> 
> 
> Well I think that the fact of having a very demanding and stressfull job, I need not come home to additional complications, by past experience, younger women seem more easy going and seem to simplify their demands and expectations.


Do you think that could be because they see the relationship as more likely to be temporary? Or that they see you as disinterested in a "permanent relationship"? If the answer to the latter question is "yes", is it accurate? (These aren't rhetorical questions, by the way -- I don't know the answers.)



> > What is it about younger women that makes the relationship more exciting, fulfilling, or whatever it is about those relationships that attracts you?
> 
> 
> Well the sexual attraction is hard to beat and I feel much younger and at ease when I'm with a younger woman.


Okay... that's valid. But in that case, why are you bothered by the reactions of others? Does it negatively impact your career aspirations or anything like that?


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## Velkyn (Aug 23, 2004)

*Re: Thank you for your time *



			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> Velkyn said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is a very good question, I must admit I only tackled the issue when brought up, never when no issue surfaced...but if ever, it was never intentional to transpire a temporary status...



> > > What is it about younger women that makes the relationship more exciting, fulfilling, or whatever it is about those relationships that attracts you?
> >
> >
> > Well the sexual attraction is hard to beat and I feel much younger and at ease when I'm with a younger woman.
> ...


It can, since I now have a possibility of going up the ladder, I wouldn`t want it to have a negative impact...but I don`t want to "just live for my job" either!


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 23, 2004)

One question begets another... )

So, if you're not intentionally giving the impression that you are only interested in transient relationships, we can assume that you are interested in a long-term, permanent, committed relationship -- do you see yourself establishing this kind of relationship with the women you have been dating recently? Introducing them to friends, family, and business associates? Attending important social events with them?

I'm not suggesting that you should be answering these questions in any particular way -- I'm exploring the reasons you seem hesitant about pursuing relationships in your current location. You say that dating younger women might negatively impact your career -- why do you think so? Is it because the women you are attracted are not suitable partners in your profession for some reason? or do you fear others would perceive them that way?

Suppose you had a strong religious or politcal belief and you suspected that if others were aware of these beliefs it would damage your career. How would you handle that situation? Is that any different from the situation you're facing now?

I guess what I'm trying to help you explore here is this question: If you are comfortable with your choice of a partner in a committed relationship, why are you worrying about the reactions of other people? Is it possible that the reactions of others is of importance because it echoes some of your own concerns, albeit unexpressed and maybe unacknowledged?


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## Velkyn (Aug 24, 2004)

> David Baxter said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 24, 2004)

Velkyn said:
			
		

> > Suppose you had a strong religious or politcal belief and you suspected that if others were aware of these beliefs it would damage your career. How would you handle that situation? Is that any different from the situation you're facing now?
> 
> 
> You must understand that religion seems more important here...thus more of a porcupin issue...I`m more on testing grounds...


It may well be so for you -- I can't conceive of anything more important to me than my partner and my children.



> > I guess what I'm trying to help you explore here is this question: If you are comfortable with your choice of a partner in a committed relationship, why are you worrying about the reactions of other people? Is it possible that the reactions of others is of importance because it echoes some of your own concerns, albeit unexpressed and maybe unacknowledged?
> 
> 
> Well yes and no, I`m more worried of others than my own self interest, since all is so new here, I don`t want to "impose" on a futur consort any direct or undirect stress du to location and/or job related reunions or meetings...


Another valid point - I guess I was assuming that your partner would not be uncomfortable in such situations or that she was willing to pursue a relationship with you in spite of any discomfort - would you be willing to let her make the choice or would you still be uncomfortable?


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## Velkyn (Aug 24, 2004)

*Thank you *



> It may well be so for you -- I can't conceive of anything more important to me than my partner and my children.





> Another valid point - I guess I was assuming that your partner would not be uncomfortable in such situations or that she was willing to pursue a relationship with you in spite of any discomfort - would you be willing to let her make the choice or would you still be uncomfortable?


You got me 
I wish to express a deep gratitude towards you 
Thank you 
I guess I more or less builded up a fictionary pattern due to the situation I`m facing, more than a reality of things.
I guess I must make sure and find out, instead of creating a facade of what ifs...
Take good care, I humbly incline myself to your expertise 
Velkyn


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 24, 2004)

I'm only asking questions intended to help you explore what is making you uncomfortable about the issue -- it's up to you to come up with the answers... )

But of course I do hope it's helpful... good luck!


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