# And the cycle begins again. *Sigh*



## Just A Guy (Oct 10, 2008)

The cycle of spending time with someone that is really awesome in almost every way and then finding reasons to justify not staying with them. 
This is kind of hard to explain writing on a forum like this. I'll try my best and hope it doesn't turn out to jumbled so someone may understand it a little at least and be able to offer some kind of suggestion.

This seems to be my life story when it comes to relationships. I think I want a relationship. I desire that kind of connection and closeness with someone sharing moments with someone on a level more than a friendship. Just everything I guess. I don't know what the problem is though. I don't know if it's just that I'm not ready to settle down. I feel that I am though. I don't know if it's just that I haven't found the right person. But then I ask myself if I'm just to picky. Why shouldn't I be picky though? I don't feel it's right for either person to just settle for the sake of being with someone. I don't know if its because I don't generally get attached to things so for me it's easy to let them go for smaller reasons. 

Example:

Dating this girl and she is loyal and honest...gorgeous. Just many things you can only hope to find. She cares for me a great deal. Everything is good. Then it's like a switch flips one day and I start questioning myself and questioning if this is what I want to be doing at the present time. Then I start justifying not being with her with little things here and there until it's like I have made up my mind and accepted not being with her all so quickly. It makes it even 100 times harder when I go to the gym or to work or to whatever and see this beautiful girl or that beautiful girl and think to myself what if she is the same as the current one but where the current one falls short she does not. I know it's horrible to always be looking for an upgrade and I really do wish I could just be satisfied, but I cannot seem to do it. It's like the dating goes well and it's like the a current stock market graph. It's slowly building and building and things are going great and then just one day the bottom falls out and it's to nothing just that quick.

Of course I still have time and several say ah don't worry you'll find it someday and you'll know it (I'm 25). But I then think will I know it? I mean i have dated some really amazing girls in the recent past and one or two little things were deal breakers then is it really that likely to find one that I simply cannot live without? I feel bad, almost like I am leading these girls on. I really am not though and I really do care for them and enjoy the time we are together but then it's just that time where the switch gets flipped and its like all feelings shut off. I am perfectly content with being single and really do enjoy that part of life too. But there gets to be a point where it would be nice to share a life with someone, have a family, have memories...all those nice things.

I am in the process of trying to find a therapist to go talk with and see if they can provide some insight on the way I view things or hell, give me some meds to turn me into a zombie haha.

Any suggestions or anything is greatly appreciated.


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## Mari (Oct 10, 2008)

:welcome2:


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## imans (Oct 10, 2008)

it is all about a wrong state of mind 

when your life stand on what you understand need to get, a girl to share with a given living ground that anyone can serve himself from that free open market, than in that life you are picturing making your path, you are dead actually, and as you are not dead, you will constantly react inside for anything infront of you even with the best intentions to listen to and love, 
my suggestion is the only way for life, just seek yourself beats to understand and listen to and dont think about what you can miss to receive from what others got, at least you are 25 only, you have no reason to give up on you so early, dont think to be loved but more to love yourself through real considerations you give from yourself


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## Retired (Oct 10, 2008)

JAG,

Consider shifting your focus to what _you_ can bring to a relationship rather than what the relationship can do for you.



> find a therapist ... give me some meds to turn me into a zombie haha



This is _never_ the goal of medication.  If an illness is being treated with medication, the goal is to improve the condition or disorder, while causing minimal unwanted adverse effects.


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## healthbound (Oct 11, 2008)

Hey JAG, welcome to psychlinks 

I can relate.  For me I think it comes down me truly wanting to experience love/intimacy/connection/whatever, but also being scared to death of it.  I also didn't have the best examples of healthy relationships while growing up, but I'm less concerned with that since I've been able to create other great things in my life without examples.

When I am scared, I think it's easier to focus on idiosyncrasies in the other person rather than face my fears.  It's a distraction and takes the pressure off of me and puts it onto them.  And even though I'm aware of it, I still do it without realizing it.

I also don't mind being single.  And that might allow me to be more "picky".  I _want _to find "all those nice things" but I don't feel like I _need _them.

The down side is that I miss out on feeling the fear and working through it anyway.  Sort of like when you don't want to go to the gym regularly, but you do it anyway.  You reap the benefits that those who don't keep up with a regular work out schedule will ever know.

You asked, "is it really that likely to find one that I simply cannot live without?"  I have often wondered if I've misinterpreted all those love songs and movies.  Maybe it's not really that intense all the time.  Maybe those moments of intensity come and go.  And maybe the time between intense moments is just like every other part of life...kinda boring and mundane with its ups and downs.

Anyway, I know I'm rambling a bit...but I've recently started dating again and have been thinking similar things and just wanted to let u know that I identified with what you wrote.  And lastly, I agree with what TSOW wrote:


> Consider shifting your focus to what you can bring to a relationship rather than what the relationship can do for you.


A shift in the way you're thinking about the relationship/dating can create epiphanies   It also redirects your thoughts back to yourself which makes much more sense since you can only control/change your own actions.

Good luck and I hope you keep us posted.


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## Daniel (Oct 14, 2008)

Just A Guy said:
			
		

> It's slowly building and building and things are going great and then just one day the bottom falls out and it's to nothing just that quick.



BTW:


> “Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.”
> 
> ~ Robert Sternberg
> 
> The Anatomy of Love - Psychlinks


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