# Helping a suicidal family member



## GDPR

Yesterday my sister told me she thinks about shooting herself every day.It worries me and I am not sure if she was just expressing how unhappy she is in her abusive marriage or if it's something she is seriously considering.Either way,I am not quite sure what to do.


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## making_art

*Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*



LIT said:


> Yesterday my sister told me she thinks about shooting herself every day.It worries me and I am not sure if she was just expressing how unhappy she is in her abusive marriage or if it's something she is seriously considering.Either way,I am not quite sure what to do.



LIT, sorry to hear your sister is having such a hard life. We should always take someone seriously when they say they want to kill themselves or that they want to die. Someone telling me they think about shooting themselves everyday would qualify as someone saying they think about killing themselves everyday.

I would tell my family member that they need to talk to a counsellor to get some help and provide a local crisis help line phone number to them and tell them to call it next time they think these thoughts or anytime they feel they want to talk to someone.

In order for your sister to be happy she needs to leave her abusive relationship. Tell her this and give her the phone number for her local women's transition house. These people are wonderful resources and are the best people to advise your sister on how to leave her house safely. They can also help her with understanding abuse and how it affects her life and can provide all the services she and her children ( if she has any) need!


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## GDPR

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

I guess what I should have said is my sister talks this way often,always has,and I am not sure if she was just expressing herself,venting,or if she actually has plans to do it.There's a difference in suicidal ideation and actually being suicidal and I am not exactly sure which it is this time.I was thinking she was just having thoughts again but then I started worrying about 'what if'.

I have urged her to leave her husband many times and the last time I did she told me she married him so she deserves it.I simply can't get her to understand that she doesn't deserve it,that she doesn't have to live that way and she deserves a good life,deserves to be happy and that she's strong enough to do something about it and make changes in her life.She blames herself,even for all the cheating he has done,which has been going on since before they were even married,when they were just dating.And I didn't realize he was still physically abusing her until a few years ago,she has been hiding it.But I think the verbal and mental abuse has been harder for her and she's so beat down that she really does believe it's all her own fault and she deserves it.

She already knows which agencies she could reach out to,she has done so in the past.And I told her recently the homeless shelter in town will take her in,help her find a job,help her get an apartment,they will even pay her rent for a year.I didn't tell her this part,but they would require her to receive mental help too.I wish she would do that,and start over,but she doesn't want to leave or lose her home.She has choices and options other than living a miserable life,but how do you get someone to realize that when they believe they deserve the life they are living?

She needs psychological help but refuses to get it.And I am not sure whether she's really taking her medication or not,she lies about it.I don't know how to help someone that's incapable and unwilling to even try to help their self.


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## GDPR

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

...maybe nobody has responded because they don't really know what to say.That's okay,what is there to say anyway?

It's really sad that she lives the way she does,that she's so miserable that she thinks about,and talks about,wanting to die all the time.It's even more sad that she believes she deserves the way she's treated.And that she will most likely be with that man until one of them dies.What a wasted life!It's hard for me to not be able to do anything to help her or change things for her.She's the only one that can do that and I hope that some day she will get the help she desperately needs and wakes up and actually makes the changes she needs to make.I hope she eventually realizes there's other options besides suicide.


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## making_art

*Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

LIT...sorry for taking so long to respond....just working some overtime shifts and I wanted to learn more about suicidal ideation and suicide risk which i did not get to......
But, your concern and uncertainty about suicide is a red flag worth listening to...
If you look up and call the number for a transition house you will find them helpful with ideas about how you can help  your sister understand  how abuse affects her life. They really are great to talk with!
Also wanted to add that -I think-The U S A has the same structures for homeless shelters and women shelters for women dealing with abuse....which are 2 completely different animals

People under the control of an abuser have been brain washed into thinking that they are at fault for the abuse


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## GDPR

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

2 different animals,yes,I agree with that,but in my sisters situation I think maybe the homeless shelter might be the better option for her.

When she went to the womens shelter once before,the focus was learning about abuse,which of course was a good thing and what she needs,and they help with obtaining protection orders,filing for divorce,etc.,which are also good things.But they only allow people to stay there for a specific amount of time,I think up to 30 days,and then they have to leave.It's really not enough time for someone to be able to figure it all out and be able to make it on their own.Many women go right back to their abuser because they have no where else to go and no way to financially support themselves,which my sister did.

The homeless shelter,on the other hand,not only helps people find a job,,a place to live,will pay for a place to live up to a year,they also help with the reason for the homelessness.If someone's homeless due to addiction,then in order to stay there they are required to receive treatment,attend meetings,etc.In my sisters situation they would require her to receive counseling,attend groups,file a protection order,etc.

The difference in the two,in my town,is the womens shelter doesn't 'require' much whereas the homeless shelter does.And the end results are better by going to the homeless shelter because a person ends up on their own,in their own place,working a job,and are required to continue counseling,group,etc in order to have their rent paid for them.The womens shelter is more of a short term fix,to get through a crisis,the homeless shelter would be more beneficial in the long run.

Just learning about abuse isn't going to cut it for her,she's not going to absorb it anyway,what she needs is help in getting away,in her own place first,then work on the other issues. It's a very complicated and complex situation,it's more than just being abused by her husband,it will take way more than learning about abuse for her to make changes in her life.

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Also,at the womens shelter,there's really no rules and people are allowed to do what they want,even if they choose to talk to or see their abuser,which she also did.The homeless shelter is very strict,their rules have to be followed or you are kicked out or they call the police.They also have security cameras and watch what you do,who goes there,who you talk to,etc.They provide essentially everything you need,including a car if needed.


---------- Post Merged at 12:45 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:11 AM ----------

After thinking about all of this for a bit,I have decided that the best thing,for myself,is to take a step back from it and stay out of it.I care about and love my sister but I can't take on the responsibility of trying to help her and save her,again.

I have been down this road so many times with her that I already know where it leads and I have to put myself first.I have my own problems and my own family to worry about,I can't take on her problems too.

Of course I would never want anything to happen to her,but the reality is there's nothing I can say or do that would make a difference for her.She has to do things to help herself,s he has to learn to take care of herself,get help she needs,make changes herself.Nothing will ever change until she becomes willing to do something,I can't swoop in and be her savior.

May sound harsh,but it is what it is.


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## making_art

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

Yes your health and well being are always the priority..... So no it is not harsh it is a good thing fir you to step back.

Sometimes all we can do is to continue to provide the contact information fir them to get support and just continue to repeat the same mantra over and over..." You need more help than i am capable of providing and please call these numbers i gave you to get help. You deserve to be happy." Or some such phrase that works for you.  Encourage her to call the police also.


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## making_art

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

Our homeless shelters do not provide those amenities but do try to connect people to the services that do.

Yes the transition house 30 day rule is a problem but more of them here are able to acquire funding to provide extended services but here they do assist with legal services and access to income funds etc .


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## making_art

*Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

Also our transition houses do not allow contact to the abuser from the home or for anyone to know the address of the home including friends and family.


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## GDPR

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

It's actually sad,and so wrong,that in my town a woman receives more help and support by being homeless than she does by being abused.


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## MHealthJo

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

What a difficult situation LIT. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to send a lot of care and say that I have been thinking of you and sister.

Keeping on taking care of yourself and knowing what you can't control, sets a good example and creates a vision of hope that another person can see. 

If you have times of being unsure what to do, a talk with your therapist might give you ideas about how sometimes things eventually change  in these long term situations, and how it might possibly come about, and what your role would be and would not be. 

Meanwhile, I'll try to send vibes of the beginnings of self-care and self-worth to your sister through the ether......


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## making_art

*Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*



LIT said:


> It's actually sad,and so wrong,that in my town a woman receives more help and support by being homeless than she does by being abused.



Yes, it is sad....and I know how hard it is to watch and not be able to do much...but I also know how important it is to practice really good self care....sometimes all we can do is hope for the best.


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## amazingmouse

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

Sustainable shelters must be developed across the USA for all people in need of services. Same goes for 24 hours warm food banks and free taxi services for everyone,  who can not afford to generate assets. I am also for free, unlimited education and healthcare for everyone and for as long as desired.This is the only way to support people across the country and to become successful  for the upcoming generations, both men and women :2thumbs:


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## amazingmouse

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

According to recent news, there will be many refugee camps and refugee shelters that Clinton will build throughout the country with the expected influx of Syrian and Somali migrants . The homeless shelters will also accept refugees and the refugee shelters will have beds spaced for abused women,  or homeless. Maybe your sister will be able to transfer to one of those shelters for long term services, after her current shelter period expires?


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## GDPR

*Re: Preventing suicide: A resource for the family*

*Sorry this thread went off the topic of preventing suicide and ended up being about my sister*

I bought her a book today,. 
You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book

The next time she is in crisis mode or talking about wanting to kill herself I plan on giving it to her and letting her know that although I love and care about her,I can't help her and she needs to start helping herself.I have been reading it,it's a workbook,so if she actually does the work it just might help.I thought a workbook might be better than just giving her a book to read.

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Of all the books I could have bought,that one stood out,I am not sure why,but I went with it


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## amazingmouse

I was off topic,  sorry &#55357;&#56321;


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## GDPR

amazingmouse said:


> I was off topic,  sorry ��



No,I didn't mean you.I meant myself,I started talking about my sisters abusive marriage.

---------- Post Merged at 04:38 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:58 PM ----------

I was thinking about all of this today,all of this with my sister,and although it's easy for me to think that OMG,she just needs to leave her husband and start over by herself,I can easily put myself in her shoes and understand why she doesn't.

I wasn't in an abusive marriage,but some of you may remember what I was going through with my addict sons.It took alot of therapy for me to believe it wasn't my own fault and that I didn't deserve to be abused.I actually believed there was something about me that made them treat me that way.And they would mess with my head,tell me I was crazy,that nothing I said happened really did.Or they would tell me it was my fault,that I provoked them,would tell me that I deserved it.I used to believe them,I used to take the blame,apologize to them,try to do things differently,be different,act different,whatever I had to in order to not provoke them.

It wasn't until I actually did something and stood up for myself that things changed.I called the police and it was so empowering.It was like wow,I didn't realize I had the option to do that,I didn't know I actually had the right,or the power,to DO something.That was all it took though,and since that day I knew/know that nobody has the right to treat me that way,it doesn't matter who it is,or why,I don't have to put up with it and I can do whatever I have to in order to protect myself,even if it means calling the police and sending someone to jail,and I am not wrong in doing so,THEY are the ones that are doing wrong by abusing me.

My sister needs to start building herself up,she needs therapy,she needs to feel empowered by DOING something.But she has to be the one that takes the steps she needs to take,nobody can do it for her.Maybe one of these days she will,when she gets fed up with the way she's living.I think she wants me to do it for her,but it doesn't work that way.She can start working on herself and start making changes in her life or she can complain,be stuck and be miserable.Just because we were raised to believe females are less than males and being abused is just part of being female doesn't mean we have to hold onto those beliefs and live by them as adults.She CAN change things,just as I did.

---------- Post Merged at 08:41 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:38 PM ----------

I read the workbook I bought for her.I think it will make a good 'starter' book for her,it's not something that will magically change her life or anything,but could possibly get her at least thinking about some things.


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## making_art

LIT, yes as you described it is difficult for people to leave the abusive relationship.... It is not easy and as you say she may finally get fed up enough.... And become empowered enough to know she can change her life.....it wont be easy but it will lead to a better life....and she will be more empowered. It was lucky for my family member  that once she left she never went back .  I also had a friend that left once then remained trapped the rest of her life... It was heart breaking how she was treated.... Like an animal.. So sad!


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## GDPR

I remember watching one of my brothers hitting,throwing and shoving my mom around when he was a teenager and thinking to myself that I would never want to go through that and I would never put up with it.Sad that history repeated itself.

I also watched my Dad beat my mom all the time,at times nearly killing her.She never stood up for herself,made excuses for him,never left...history is repeating itself with my sister too......

---------- Post Merged at 02:25 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:53 AM ----------

I don't really know my moms new husband(well,not exactly 'new', they were married not too long after my Dad died) and I was sitting here wondering what the chances are that he is abusive to her.She may not be in my life but I would hate for her to still be treated badly at her age.

I think there's probably a good chance that he is.Don't women usually end up with someone that's similar,or even worse?Don't they subconsciously seek out the same type,are prone to drifting towards the same?


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## making_art

LIT, terrible things your mom and you kids had to go through...my understanding  is the risk is high when you consider stats that 1 in 4 women are abused. Understanding warning signs and knowing how to prevent being in an abusive relationship can be helpful. The victim if abuse is never to blame fir the abuse.... An abusive person   Is operating under a need for power and control. In many situations abuse in a relationship begins slowly over time .  A more important question is what causes someone to abuse and how can we prevent a person from becoming abusive?   The abuser is always to blame for the abuse .... Not the victim...


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## GDPR

> .more important question is what causes someone to abuse and how can we prevent a person from becoming abusive? The abuser is always to blame for the abuse .... Not the victim...



I agree that the abuser is always to blame,not the victim,but I am pretty sure it's a well known fact that those that are raised in an abusive home tend to gravitate towards abusers and tend to be victimized more often.A nd some women continue to be victimized until they seek help.I am not saying they are to blame,just saying it's all they know and they don't know how to stand up for themselves or not allow themselves to be treated that way.And if all my mom has known is abuse throughout her entire life,I think there's a good chance her new husband is abusive also.

And although it is important to know what causes someone to abuse and how we can prevent a person from becoming abusive,I feel it's just as important,more so actually,for a woman that is being abused to seek help in order to understand why she doesn't leave,why she allows it to continue,and to become strong enough,and feel worthy enough to make changes.If a woman believes she doesn't deserve to be treated well,has such low self esteem that she blames herself,she's going to find it hard to not end up with an abuser until her perception of herself and her beliefs change.I am in no way blaming the victim,just saying what I feel is true.

---------- Post Merged at 05:36 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:36 PM ----------

When I was being physically abused by my sons,it wasn't my fault,I simply didn't know or believe I had choices or options.I didn't have the self esteem,self worth to stand up for myself.And it would have continued if I had not sought help from my therapist.And I most likely would have been abused by other people,repeatedly victimized,like I had been in the past.That's the point I was trying to make,that sometimes women keep seeking the same type of people,keep gravitating towards abusive people until they seek the help they need to change it.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean

It's true in my case.  I was a "victim."

That is how I perceived myself.  I felt like I couldn't get anything better in a relationship.  I felt I wasn't doing my part if I wasn't putting up with the abuse. 

I learned these behaviours from my parents.  One parent was abusive, the other let it happen. So being raised in this environment, I thought love was letting myself be controlled and manipulated...  If I didn't, somehow I was the failure, I didn't try hard enough.  When I tried to please a parent who just didn't know how to love, it was impossible. But I'd keep trying. No matter how bad it was for me.  Because I thought somehow my behaviour would cause something to happen or not to happen... But eventually I learned, hell no!  A person who abuses has to want to stop abusing, it's the abuser who makes the decision to hurt or not to hurt, etc...  What my job was, eventually I figured out with some good therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, was to take care of myself.  I can only control how I behave and react.  So if this abuser that I was spending so much time trying to please, but never measuring up, being taken for granted, etc... It wasn't ME with the problem, it was the abuser.  So my choice, once I figured out I can't do a darned thing about his/her behaviour, was either to keep up the futile task of trying to please him/her or to protect myself and leave and then carry on....  And then I'd have a better idea of what qualities I need to display to others in order to attract a healthy mate/friend/job...

Instead of being so very passive, and wiling to please, and wearing my heart on my sleeve, and forgetting about myself and only thinking of others, I began to create/see a BALANCE...

If you don't KNOW you're out of balance...  You don't lay down clear boundaries (Verbally stating: "Don't speak to me that way: I treat you with respect and I expect the same treatment in return, or I won't be around you much longer," is more effective than, for instance, not saying anything and not doing anything about it, which shows, "I don't care if you speak to me that way, I'll put up with your crap, because for some reason I believe you still love me despite the way you've treated me, and I don't deserve to be treated better, so keep up the crappy job.")


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## making_art

LIT said:


> And although it is important to know what causes someone to abuse and how we can prevent a person from becoming abusive,I feel it's just as important,more so actually,for a woman that is being abused to seek help in order to understand why she doesn't leave,why she allows it to continue,and to become strong enough,and feel worthy enough to make changes.If a woman believes she doesn't deserve to be treated well,has such low self esteem that she blames herself,she's going to find it hard to not end up with an abuser until her perception of herself and her beliefs change.I am in no way blaming the victim,just saying what I feel is true.
> 
> ---------- Post Merged at 05:36 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:36 PM ----------
> 
> When I was being physically abused by my sons,it wasn't my fault,I simply didn't know or believe I had choices or options.I didn't have the self esteem,self worth to stand up for myself.And it would have continued if I had not sought help from my therapist.And I most likely would have been abused by other people,repeatedly victimized,like I had been in the past.That's the point I was trying to make,that sometimes women keep seeking the same type of people,keep gravitating towards abusive people until they seek the help they need to change it.



Yes, i agree 100% with you.....sorry I did not word this well...my thoughts just were drifting more to the, "How can we fix this problem on the larger scale by thinking about prevention." 

I think many victims blame themselves it is so wrong!

I also feel that you don't need to feel guilty or feel like it is your job or responsibility to care for your mother or your sister etc and their situation.... Your priority should be yourself and hoping that they get professional help may be the best that you can do.


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## GDPR

Thanks for explaing making_art.

I don't think there's really a way to prevent people from becoming abusers,it would be nice though.I personally think it's more important to help and educate the victims so they are able to protect themselves and not stay in abusive relationships rather than focus on the abusers.


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## making_art

LIT said:


> Thanks for explaing making_art.
> 
> I don't think there's really a way to prevent people from becoming abusers,it would be nice though.I personally think it's more important to help and educate the victims so they are able to protect themselves and not stay in abusive relationships rather than focus on the abusers.



I very much like the idea of fixing/preventing the abusers.....its like stopping the flood rather than standing down stream and pulling folks out...

The transition houses do such a great job educating the victims...if we had education classes in high schools that would be good too.... Perhaps preventing young women from being in an abusive relationship.


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## GDPR

making_art said:


> I very much like the idea of fixing/preventing the abusers



I very much like the idea too,along with fixing/preventing child abuse,sexual assault,poverty,war,terrorism,and everything else,including the common cold.In a perfect world,an alternate universe,maybe it would be possible,but the reality is it's simply not possible.

I think educating women needs to start younger than high school,it needs to start when they are very young,when they are children.

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I was just thinking,my other sister is currently in the process of getting a divorce,has pressed charges against her husband,has an order of protection,etc.She is doing the right thing by getting out.That's who my sister should be turning to instead of me,and I think I will tell her that.I think our younger sister would be a positive influence for her,and who knows,maybe they could even live together and help each other out or something.

*I still always forget I have a younger sister,that's sad to say,it's just that I haven't seen her or talked to her in so long I forget about her.I read about her situation in the newspaper,when her husband was arrested for domestic violence*


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