# Question on privacy and space



## Lana (Jun 17, 2005)

Recently, another forum I’m a member of, had a question posted that asked if partners within a relationship were entitled to privacy.  The topic seems to speak of times when one partner learns about a friends secret.  Some feel that if a relationship is to be open and honest, the partner should share what they learned with their significant other.  In short, there should be no secrets (therefore no privacy) between two partners.

I do not entirely agree with that premise, but wondered if anyone had any insight they can share with me.  My reasons for disagreeing with that are that (1) keeping infomation shared in trust in confidence; (2) I believe a person should retain a part of themselves to themselves, self-ownership if you will.  Also, in any relationship, there must be boundaries, places that are distinctly “your own”.  

I personally require what I call “personal space”.  Not necessarily physical (although at times that too is needed) but also mental and emotional.  That space is often used to re-group, re-focus, re-charge, and just plain relax, where I don’t have to “take care” of anything or anyone or worry how I say and do things.  Lack of this space has quite a negative impact on me and at times, affects my ability to relate to others.  Is that unusual or somehow abnormal?  Does it fall into the privacy  issue?

I’m not sure if I’m making much sense, but perhaps someone can shed some light on this for me.


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## Lana (Jun 17, 2005)

Recently, another forum I’m a member of, had a question posted that asked if partners within a relationship were entitled to privacy.  The topic seems to speak of times when one partner learns about a friends secret.  Some feel that if a relationship is to be open and honest, the partner should share what they learned with their significant other.  In short, there should be no secrets (therefore no privacy) between two partners.

I do not entirely agree with that premise, but wondered if anyone had any insight they can share with me.  My reasons for disagreeing with that are that (1) keeping infomation shared in trust in confidence; (2) I believe a person should retain a part of themselves to themselves, self-ownership if you will.  Also, in any relationship, there must be boundaries, places that are distinctly “your own”.  

I personally require what I call “personal space”.  Not necessarily physical (although at times that too is needed) but also mental and emotional.  That space is often used to re-group, re-focus, re-charge, and just plain relax, where I don’t have to “take care” of anything or anyone or worry how I say and do things.  Lack of this space has quite a negative impact on me and at times, affects my ability to relate to others.  Is that unusual or somehow abnormal?  Does it fall into the privacy  issue?

I’m not sure if I’m making much sense, but perhaps someone can shed some light on this for me.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 17, 2005)

> Lack of this space has quite a negative impact on me and at times, affects my ability to relate to others. Is that unusual or somehow abnormal? Does it fall into the privacy issue?



I am the same way. I don't think it's abnormal. I do think people have different levels of what they're comfortable with. My husband thinks that there should be no privacy at all whatsoever. In fact, he will unlock the bathroom door and come in when I'm in the shower. 

I think the important thing is that both partners are in agreement with privacy levels. Some couples might be totally comfortable with sharing everything and have no secrets. Other couples might be more comfortable with keeping some things to themselves and having that space. The conflict would be when the comfort levels are very different, I think.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 17, 2005)

> Lack of this space has quite a negative impact on me and at times, affects my ability to relate to others. Is that unusual or somehow abnormal? Does it fall into the privacy issue?



I am the same way. I don't think it's abnormal. I do think people have different levels of what they're comfortable with. My husband thinks that there should be no privacy at all whatsoever. In fact, he will unlock the bathroom door and come in when I'm in the shower. 

I think the important thing is that both partners are in agreement with privacy levels. Some couples might be totally comfortable with sharing everything and have no secrets. Other couples might be more comfortable with keeping some things to themselves and having that space. The conflict would be when the comfort levels are very different, I think.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 18, 2005)

Becoming part of a couple should not mean that one loses one's individuality.

A relationship should add to and enhance your life, not take anything away from it.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 18, 2005)

Becoming part of a couple should not mean that one loses one's individuality.

A relationship should add to and enhance your life, not take anything away from it.


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## just mary (Jun 18, 2005)

Hi Lana,

I just wanted to say that I think I know how you feel and I also don't think it's abnormal.  I like to have something of my own, somewhere I can go and re-group, re-focus, etc.  

But at the same time I feel guilty, like I'm keeping a secret. But then I tell myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, that I'm not hurting him by not telling him, that it's something I need to do for myself, to make myself feel better, which in the long run benefits both of us.

Take care


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## just mary (Jun 18, 2005)

Hi Lana,

I just wanted to say that I think I know how you feel and I also don't think it's abnormal.  I like to have something of my own, somewhere I can go and re-group, re-focus, etc.  

But at the same time I feel guilty, like I'm keeping a secret. But then I tell myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, that I'm not hurting him by not telling him, that it's something I need to do for myself, to make myself feel better, which in the long run benefits both of us.

Take care


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## Lana (Jun 21, 2005)

Thank you all for your wise replies.  I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels that way.


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## Lana (Jun 21, 2005)

Thank you all for your wise replies.  I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels that way.


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