# Projection and Appreciation in Relationships



## David Baxter PhD (Jul 16, 2017)

*Avoiding Projections through Appreciation*
by Jason Polk, _PsychCentral_
July 16, 2017

A  common way we get into trouble in intimate relationships is through  projection. We project onto our partner how we think they should be or  act, usually through the lens of how we learned to be and act from our  parents. We may have a fantasy of the ideal partner, or ideal behaviors  we want from our partner, and we hold them to these unattainable  projections. The result is disappointment for both parties. Your partner  only knows how to be themselves and will resent you if they are seen in  and treated through idealized expectations. Thus, there needs to be  space to allow your partner to be who they are. You can?t force them to  be different, but you can appreciate them for who they are. This is the  foundation of relationship health.

 To take an example in my own marriage, my wife Jessica is more  social than I am. Although I usually enjoy social gatherings and  parties, I reach a time limit and want to leave much sooner than she  does. If I view her though my projection that socializing can?t possibly  be that fun after a while, I become frustrated and think that she wants  to stay simply to annoy me. However, if I see her without my projection  and appreciate her for her uniqueness ? she simply is more social than I  am ? I am able to stay at the party without resentment towards her. For  her, if she is able to see me without her projection ? that socializing  is always fun, and I don?t want to have fun ? rather than through my  uniqueness ? I simply run out of steam quicker ? she is able to leave  earlier without resentment towards me. As a result, we are more likely  to take care of each other as well as appreciate that we are both trying  our best.
 One way to untangle you and your partner from projections is  through the practice of appreciation. Appreciation means valuing your  partner for who they are and not what you think they should be. It means  accepting your partner in their own uniqueness and with their inherent  imperfections. For Jessica and me, our work is to appreciate our  differences in social situations (as well as others). What works for me,  may not work for her. This creates space for understanding that your  partner is not trying to upset you on purpose.

 Here are some simple reflections that foster appreciation:


 What are some of my partner?s unique positive traits?
 How have I benefited from those positive traits?
 How has my partner made me a better person?
 In what ways have I grown while with my partner?

 Relationship expert John Gottman encourages such active  reflection on our partner?s positive traits to foster appreciation. He  writes, ?This active focusing on your partner?s merits allows you to  nurture gratefulness for what you have instead of resenting what is  missing? (Gottman, 2015, p. 79). This is an important practice,  especially since we have a tendency to focus on the negative and  sometimes miss the positive.

 If you and your partner are in a difficult place, it may be  wise to start small. You can say, ?Thank you for making coffee this  morning.? Or, ?Thank you for picking up the kids.? You can take this  practice further by communicating an appreciation of specific traits of  your partner. For example, ?Thank you for being _thoughtful _by making coffee, and thank you for being _dependable _by  picking up the children.? Appreciation creates the foundation for  relationship health, and it is always better to start building or  rebuilding the foundation little by little than not at all.

 Another reflection practice to counter projection and foster  appreciation is Naikan. Naikan practice originated in Japan and is  designed to cultivate appreciation and humility with three simple  questions (here geared to your relationship):


 What have I received from my partner?
 What have I given to my partner?
 What troubles and difficulties have I caused my partner?

 Such reflections make it difficult to relate to your partner  based on projections of an ideal partner or ideal behavior. It grounds  you in the reality of the natural give and take of relationships (Kreck,  1995).  It can cultivate humility by reminding us that we can always be  a better partner. We may also begin to appreciate our partner?s  commitment, as they stay with us despite the troubles and difficulties  we inevitably cause. 

*Read more...*


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