# OCD and homicidal thoughts



## TheNachtjager (Jun 8, 2010)

Hello. This isn't very easy for me to let go into the world, but I would like people's opinions. I am on the other end of a 1.5 year bout with OCD and being terrified that I am going to indulge in homicide. Things are much better now, but yesterday at work, I got all my issues worked up in my head and at one point I genuinely wanted to indulge in homicide. I actually wanted to do it. During that I had slight panic attacks running and of course it worries me that the curiosity of doing such an act is attractive. Now, I have read many posts here on how to self help your OCD, but this is the first time I have ever been genuinely attracted to the horrible thing I've been afraid of for such a long time, and that's the difference between being afraid of intrusive thoughts and being attracted to them. Is that normal psychology for an OCD sufferer, do you think my thoughts got twisted in knots and then I deceived myself into thinking I wanted to do it, or do you think I should seek some help? I would prefer someone's opinion before simply saying "yes, go get help." I have gotten help in the past, but the people didn't do much, as they didn't know anything about OCD. 

Anyway, that being said, I'm hoping someone will enlighten me to what went through my mind. Take care.

Jon


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## Daniel (Jun 8, 2010)

> I have gotten help in the past, but the people didn't do much, as they  didn't know anything about OCD.


Therapy is the single most effective treatment for OCD.  The author of the book _Brain Lock_ agrees that medications can only do so much.  So, as you expect, I would suggest seeking a therapist with experience treating OCD.  Certainly, therapy is what has helped me the most.    

One way to get referrals is the OC Foundation:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/obsessiv...rapist-for-obsessive-compulsive-disorder.html

Personally, of the therapists I have seen, the therapist who seemed to have the most experience treating OCD worked at an outpatient hospital clinic.


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## Andy (Jun 8, 2010)

HI Nachtjager, 

This is just my personal opinion so take it as such okay.  I think that because you have OCD does not mean you can't have other comorbid conditions. To me this doesn't sound so much like OCD alone. I mean maybe you obsess over committing a homicidal act but personally I think there is rage or anger or something there that has you even thinking towards that. 

There is having the fleeting thought and there is thinking that you actually want to do it. Actually wanting to do it and fantasizing about it are not good. I think you do need to get some help personally and I think if these thoughts are really strong and continue to be in your head I would almost suggest that you go to an ER and tell them so. It doesn't take much to push a person over the edge.

So I think you need to ask yourself if it's just the odd thought that you know you would never act on or if it's something your scared you will act on. If it's the latter can you get in to see a Dr. right away and if it's the latter ten fold then go to the ER.


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## Daniel (Jun 8, 2010)

BTW:



> Of those studied, 60 percent of males said they had had a recent fantasy  of killing other people; 32 percent of females also reported having  such fantasies.
> 
> Homicidal thoughts are common for teens, study says


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## TheNachtjager (Jun 8, 2010)

STP said:


> HI Nachtjager,
> 
> This is just my personal opinion so take it as such okay.  I think that because you have OCD does not mean you can't have other comorbid conditions. To me this doesn't sound so much like OCD alone. I mean maybe you obsess over committing a homicidal act but personally I think there is rage or anger or something there that has you even thinking towards that.
> 
> ...


 
You know I think you're right about there being another issue working me toward that. The thing was at the time I wasn't mad or angry. I was at work which I hate, and I don't think I'm crazy, so I think there's another issue I haven't touched on. Maybe it was work itself? Too much sunshine, too much boredom and exhaustion didn't help either. Because when I'm home and somewhere I enjoy I'm not like that at all.


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## Daniel (Jun 8, 2010)

> Because when I'm home and somewhere I enjoy I'm not like that at all.


Yes, anything that decreases stress, like exercise, socialization, and work-life balance, can help with mental conditions.  In the case of OCD, which is an anxiety disorder, anything that increases stress can increase the anxiety/OCD.

The mistake I used to make was focusing so much on work (largely due to anxiety) that I didn't take care of my mental health.   So I would only see a therapist when I was at rock bottom, e.g. when I relapsed, quit my job, and was feeling suicidal. And even if one is doing relatively well, therapy can still help by having a protective effect, such as helping one maintain positive lifestyle changes.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 9, 2010)

You've had some good feedback here, Nachtjager.

It's not unusual for people with OCD to experience "terrible" thoughts and the reality is that they represent fears about safety and uncertainty and unpredictability - in a sense, if you have OCD and you experience such thoughts, the likelihood of acting on them is relatively low.

On the other hand, as has been suggested, the best way to reassure yourself is to see a specialist in OCD and talk about it in face to face therapy.

See BC Psychologist Referral Service

Dr. Sylvain Boies 202 - 648 Herald Street Victoria ph.: 250 744-2722 web page
Dr. Madelaine Tiller 1593 Longacre Drive Victoria ph.: 250-721-1963 web page
Dr. Joan Neehall 1576 Mileva Lane Victoria ph.: 250 995-2572 other-ph: 250 704 2572
Dr. Elizabeth Banister 201-2186 Oak Bay Avenue Victoria ph: 250-216-9220 web page
Dr. Michael Boissevain Suite A - 1834 Oak Bay Avenue Victoria ph.: 250 592-6869 web page
Dr. Brian Grady 1260 Topaz Avenue Victoria ph.: 250 592-4281 web page
Dr. Gloria Burima 418- 645 Fort Street Victoria ph.: 250 414-0550
Dr. Leslie Marrion 3028 McAnally Road Victoria ph.: 250-477-8326
Dr. Joshua Slatkoff Suite B - 1834 Oak Bay Avenue Victoria ph.: 250-704-2669 web page
Dr. Krystyna Kinowski #201 - 1005 Cook St. Victoria ph.: 250 380-0361 other-ph: 250-537-3009 web page
Dr. Marilyn Allison Victoria ph.: 250 882-4324
Dr. Scott Bezeau 1515 Quadra Victoria
Dr. Marianne Kimmitt 204-1005 Cook St. Victoria ph.: 250 8827048 web page
Dr. Linda Chorney #9 -1140 Fort St. Victoria ph.: 250 888-3908 
Dr. Atholl Malcolm #218- 284 Helmcken Road Victoria ph.: 250 727-7060 web page
Dr. John Cook 4506 Chatterton Way Victoria ph.: 250 881-1206 web page
Dr. Stephen Lustig #302 - 1011 Fort St. Victoria ph.: 250 385-2525 other-ph: 250 888-4455 web page
Dr. Harry Craver 1060 Gatewood Court Victoria ph.: 250 658-1519 web page


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## TheNachtjager (Jun 9, 2010)

David Baxter said:


> You've had some good feedback here, Nachtjager.
> 
> It's not unusual for people with OCD to experience "terrible" thoughts ...[/URL]


 
Wow. That's very kind of you to give me all of those contacts. I'm in the process now of contacting mental health. 

Baxter, would you still agree with it being connected to OCD eventhough I wanted to act on the impulse? It was very different from it being a thought alone.


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## Daniel (Jun 9, 2010)

> It was very different from it being a thought alone.


Did you see the study I posted that half of adolescents have recently fantasized about killing someone?  

From what I understand, most would-be murderers are people with a violent history (such as assault or battery), have an antisocial personality disorder (such as being more concerned about getting caught than having killed someone), etc.  Certainly, fantasies are not sufficient.   If they were, most of us wouldn't have made it this far.  

It seems to me this type of OCD symptom is like being an overly religious person who is preoccupied with the impossible task of having purity of mind.  With OCD, such perfectionism is an unhelpful but characteristic way of trying to manage the intolerance of uncertainty that Dr. Baxter mentioned.   

As you may know, a  major element of OCD is "brain lock," the difficulty in switching from one cognitive task to another because things don't feel right. So it's "painfully easy" to obsess about a particular thing.  As mentioned in the book _Brain Lock_, the ability to refocus increases with practice (behavior therapy).

And, of course, the number one way to keep a "Pure O" obsession going is to think it's a horrible thing that needs to be stopped,  rather than be accepted for what it is.


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## TheNachtjager (Jun 9, 2010)

Daniel said:


> Did you see the study I posted that half of adolescents have recently fantasized about killing someone?
> 
> From what I understand, most would-be murderers are people with a violent history (such as assault or battery), have an antisocial personality disorder (such as being more concerned about getting caught than having killed someone), etc. Certainly, fantasies are not sufficient. If they were, most of us wouldn't have made it this far.
> 
> ...


 
That "Brain lock" thing sounds pretty accurate. I'll check that out.

I did get your post about the statistic, but the deal is I find that to be very normal thought pattern, to fantasize about killling, but to ACTUALLY want to do it is what concerned me. I'm sure that many of the fantasies of those males were just there for entertainment sake, or because they were mad. I'm considering another post you wrote too where perhaps I'm not getting enough balance between work and play.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 9, 2010)

Whether you "actually" wanted to hurt someone or simply allowed the OCD thoughts to convince you of that is something still to be established. That's why it is important for you to try to see a therapist.


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## Daniel (Jun 9, 2010)

For example:



> A client with OCD  may appraise the occurrence of an intrusive thought about wanting to harm his or her child as equivalent to  wishing for harm.
> 
> ocd "wanting to harm" - Google Books


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 9, 2010)

Yes, exactly. This is quite common in post-partum OCD and represents an OCD-style worry about the safety of the baby, not an actual wish to harm the baby.


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## TheNachtjager (Jun 9, 2010)

David Baxter said:


> Whether you "actually" wanted to hurt someone or simply allowed the OCD thoughts to convince you of that is something still to be established. That's why it is important for you to try to see a therapist.


 
ok. Thank you for talking to me about this. I have 2 different appointments coming up soon. I'll bring it to them. Thank you too, Daniel


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