# Desperately seeking advice on separation from my love



## kiddo (Jul 15, 2005)

I have been with my lover, best friend, and partner for a bit less than 2 years. We have recently started living with each other. It has been wonderful and perfect, and I love her more than ever. She loves me the same, and we have future plans to make our lives together. 

The downside, however, is that we have also grown very attached to each other. I feel like she is a part of me. I have grown to need her. Need her touch, comfort, love, reassurance, etc. Let just say, we are very very close. In the past couple years there has been very few nights that we have not spent together, or at least talking on the phone. 

But being still young and in college, we have much of our lives to live out.   She will be going to live in Africa for 6 months, and I will be in Rome for the same amount of time - both living out our dreams and career oriented goals. We will not be able to communicate with each other very much at all. 

This is not an issue of whether we will remain faithful or whether we will lose the relationship. I am not worried about that as I am in love and she is as well. 

I need advice on how I can go about living my life and being happy without her for these 6 months. How can I possibly cope with going from spending 24 hours with her to not even being able to talk? I am desperate. As each day draws closer, I become more hysterical. And while I am so excited to go to Rome, I cant imagine life without her. 

I need advice, coping methods, anything. So far all I have got is to keep myself busy. I feel this won't help me enough - as it hasn't in the past during her previous smaller absences.

I just don't want to let my dream of being and enjoying Rome get squashed by strong separation issues.

Thank you all for reading/commenting.

Jan


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## kiddo (Jul 15, 2005)

I have been with my lover, best friend, and partner for a bit less than 2 years. We have recently started living with each other. It has been wonderful and perfect, and I love her more than ever. She loves me the same, and we have future plans to make our lives together. 

The downside, however, is that we have also grown very attached to each other. I feel like she is a part of me. I have grown to need her. Need her touch, comfort, love, reassurance, etc. Let just say, we are very very close. In the past couple years there has been very few nights that we have not spent together, or at least talking on the phone. 

But being still young and in college, we have much of our lives to live out.   She will be going to live in Africa for 6 months, and I will be in Rome for the same amount of time - both living out our dreams and career oriented goals. We will not be able to communicate with each other very much at all. 

This is not an issue of whether we will remain faithful or whether we will lose the relationship. I am not worried about that as I am in love and she is as well. 

I need advice on how I can go about living my life and being happy without her for these 6 months. How can I possibly cope with going from spending 24 hours with her to not even being able to talk? I am desperate. As each day draws closer, I become more hysterical. And while I am so excited to go to Rome, I cant imagine life without her. 

I need advice, coping methods, anything. So far all I have got is to keep myself busy. I feel this won't help me enough - as it hasn't in the past during her previous smaller absences.

I just don't want to let my dream of being and enjoying Rome get squashed by strong separation issues.

Thank you all for reading/commenting.

Jan


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## Suzette (Jul 15, 2005)

Hi Jan,

I am surprised to read this story to be honest. I assumed you acknowledged the need to discuss Karens leave with your new therapist. But you seem to have plans to leave the country.

It looks like you have replaced Karen for your girlfriend. In both cases their absence is almost unbearable for you. Missing someone is one thing, falling apart without the other person, another.

If we don't agree you have a serious problem then what is the use of giving you coping strategies? The underlying problem remains. You just replace one woman into another.

Why are you planning to go to Rome and stop with the therapy sessions...?


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## Suzette (Jul 15, 2005)

Hi Jan,

I am surprised to read this story to be honest. I assumed you acknowledged the need to discuss Karens leave with your new therapist. But you seem to have plans to leave the country.

It looks like you have replaced Karen for your girlfriend. In both cases their absence is almost unbearable for you. Missing someone is one thing, falling apart without the other person, another.

If we don't agree you have a serious problem then what is the use of giving you coping strategies? The underlying problem remains. You just replace one woman into another.

Why are you planning to go to Rome and stop with the therapy sessions...?


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## ThatLady (Jul 16, 2005)

No matter who we are, or who we're with, none of us can expect to spend every waking minute of our lives in the company of someone else. We must each develop the ability to be our own company when necessary. Those who don't develop that ability end up smothering those they love until they lose them.

You're going to Rome. Enjoy Rome. Learn about it. Live its history and immerse yourself in its culture. Grow as a person, and grow intellectually. Let your girlfriend do the same with her time in Africa. Then, when you've both returned home, you can share what you've learned and enjoy doing so. This isn't a life sentence, it's a life experience. Enjoy it. )


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## ThatLady (Jul 16, 2005)

No matter who we are, or who we're with, none of us can expect to spend every waking minute of our lives in the company of someone else. We must each develop the ability to be our own company when necessary. Those who don't develop that ability end up smothering those they love until they lose them.

You're going to Rome. Enjoy Rome. Learn about it. Live its history and immerse yourself in its culture. Grow as a person, and grow intellectually. Let your girlfriend do the same with her time in Africa. Then, when you've both returned home, you can share what you've learned and enjoy doing so. This isn't a life sentence, it's a life experience. Enjoy it. )


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## kiddo (Jul 16, 2005)

Suzette

I have had plans to leave the country to study for a long time, but didnt mention it in the previous post that you read about karen. New things have come up concerning karen, anyway. She is not stopping therapy with me after all. She has found a job at a private practice, so recently (about a week ago) told me that she could actually stay with me upon my return from Rome in December. As far as therapy in Rome, I dont know if that will happen yet or not. Currently I have been using the free service of the counseling center at my university, but the college in Rome that I will be attending does not have a free service. So this means I would have to pay, without insurance benefits, for therapy there. Dont know if that will happen. 

So thats where I am at in terms of Karen.

why am I planning to go to Rome? I am a junior in college, soon to be out, and have always dreamed to study Art History in Italy. Why the hell wouldnt I go, given the opportunity? At least I am not letting these women i am attached to hold me back from my dreams and career choices. At least freaking give me that much credit! Some couples that I know are going to the same place to study becaues they cant handle the seperation. Well we are not. And I am d*mn proud of myself for it, too.

I will be fine leaving karen for the 6 months in Rome. Its better than never seeing her ever again. If I can know that she will be there for me in the future, I will be ok. 

and yes I have alot of underlying issues. But the reason I posted on this stupid thing was to see if I could get advice so i WONT fall apart. 

So. If you DO actually have advice for me, go ahead and give it, I will gladly take. But if you are just going to come on here and say I am messed and have problems (which i already know for gods sake) then please keep your thoguhts to yourself. Becuase in all honesty, it makes me feel like crap.


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## kiddo (Jul 16, 2005)

Suzette

I have had plans to leave the country to study for a long time, but didnt mention it in the previous post that you read about karen. New things have come up concerning karen, anyway. She is not stopping therapy with me after all. She has found a job at a private practice, so recently (about a week ago) told me that she could actually stay with me upon my return from Rome in December. As far as therapy in Rome, I dont know if that will happen yet or not. Currently I have been using the free service of the counseling center at my university, but the college in Rome that I will be attending does not have a free service. So this means I would have to pay, without insurance benefits, for therapy there. Dont know if that will happen. 

So thats where I am at in terms of Karen.

why am I planning to go to Rome? I am a junior in college, soon to be out, and have always dreamed to study Art History in Italy. Why the hell wouldnt I go, given the opportunity? At least I am not letting these women i am attached to hold me back from my dreams and career choices. At least freaking give me that much credit! Some couples that I know are going to the same place to study becaues they cant handle the seperation. Well we are not. And I am d*mn proud of myself for it, too.

I will be fine leaving karen for the 6 months in Rome. Its better than never seeing her ever again. If I can know that she will be there for me in the future, I will be ok. 

and yes I have alot of underlying issues. But the reason I posted on this stupid thing was to see if I could get advice so i WONT fall apart. 

So. If you DO actually have advice for me, go ahead and give it, I will gladly take. But if you are just going to come on here and say I am messed and have problems (which i already know for gods sake) then please keep your thoguhts to yourself. Becuase in all honesty, it makes me feel like crap.


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## Suzette (Jul 16, 2005)

Hi Jan,

Then we disagree. 


Suzette


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## Suzette (Jul 16, 2005)

Hi Jan,

Then we disagree. 


Suzette


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## kiddo (Jul 17, 2005)

thats it - I am out of here. You people have not only hurt my feelings but a close friend's as well.

To those of you on here who actually HAVE feelings, take my advice and leave, as well.

good riddence.


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## kiddo (Jul 17, 2005)

thats it - I am out of here. You people have not only hurt my feelings but a close friend's as well.

To those of you on here who actually HAVE feelings, take my advice and leave, as well.

good riddence.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2005)

wantingKEE, you have been given advice in this thread as well as in others, some of which you apparently didn't want to hear.

I'm not going to try to engage in long-distance diagnosis but I think it's fairly clear that you have some attachment and abandonment issues to address. Your relationships, at least judging from these two examples, seem to be obsessive and dependent.

You haven't said WHEN you are going to Rome but between now and whenever that is I think the place to be dealing with this is in sessions with your therapist(s) -- they know your history; we don't -- they are in a better position to advise you as to coping strategies.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2005)

wantingKEE, you have been given advice in this thread as well as in others, some of which you apparently didn't want to hear.

I'm not going to try to engage in long-distance diagnosis but I think it's fairly clear that you have some attachment and abandonment issues to address. Your relationships, at least judging from these two examples, seem to be obsessive and dependent.

You haven't said WHEN you are going to Rome but between now and whenever that is I think the place to be dealing with this is in sessions with your therapist(s) -- they know your history; we don't -- they are in a better position to advise you as to coping strategies.


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## Jack_Mordino (Jul 17, 2005)

6 months is a very little time-span to be saparated from someone you really love and have plans of living together for a long time. I know people who have kept faithful relationships for more than 4 years because they knew they would be together again. Think of that: perhaps your separation might prove useful so you can assess the reasons for your stronger than normal attachment.


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## Jack_Mordino (Jul 17, 2005)

6 months is a very little time-span to be saparated from someone you really love and have plans of living together for a long time. I know people who have kept faithful relationships for more than 4 years because they knew they would be together again. Think of that: perhaps your separation might prove useful so you can assess the reasons for your stronger than normal attachment.


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