# Active-constructive responding



## Daniel (Jul 5, 2009)

A But-Free Day  
By Christopher Peterson, Ph.D. 
_Psychology Today blog:_ The Good Life 

May 13, 2009

_*Go through an entire day without using the word but.*_

According to research by psychologists Shelly Gable, Harry Reis, and colleagues (2004), the way couples respond to each other's good news influences the happiness and stability of their relationships, perhaps more so than how they respond to bad news. This finding is important because so much of couples counseling focuses on resolving conflicts, fighting fairly, and being assertive.

In particular, _active-constructive responding_ is beneficial. When someone comes home with what he or she regards as good news, how does the other person respond upon hearing it? Active-constructive responding is enthusiastic and engaged.

"Honey, I got a promotion at work." "That's great. You deserve it. Tell me all about it. What did your boss say? I want to know all the details."

There are of course other responses, passive and/or destructive.

"That's nice, dear. What do you want for dinner?"
 "Does that mean I'll be seeing even less of you?"
 "It's about time. You've been there forever."
 "I thought promotions were automatic."
 "That's terrible. You know how poorly you handle change."

The recommendation follows that people in relationships should use more active-constructive responding. Sounds simple, but proves difficult. I know this because over the years, I have asked students in my classes to try active-constructive responding for a week, not just with their romantic partners but with people in general.

Mind you, some common sense is needed. If your wife tells you she is so happy because she decided to end your marriage and run off with the cabana boy, an active-constructive response on your part is not indicated. But regardless, my students tell me active-constructive responding is difficult.

One of the barriers to active-constructive responding is sincere. We do not want our loved ones to get their hopes up only to be disappointed, to get big heads, or to somehow get in trouble. For example, when I recently told my friends that I was going to visit Mexico City and give a talk, I was regaled with warnings about kidnapping, disease, weather, traffic, and language problems ("no hablo espanol"). All of these worries were legitimate, I suppose, but they could have been voiced a bit later, after an initial active-constructive response.

Given the difficulty in active-constructive responding, at least for those of us who lack the style in our repertoire, I devised a simpler intervention that can be described as active-constructive light. When someone relates good news, respond without using the word but. The generalized version of this intervention is to go through an entire day without using the word but or any of its close cousins like however, whereas, yet, then again, and on the other hand. I call this a _but-free day,_ which sounds like an exercise video. Rather than toning up your rear end, this exercise should tone up your relationships.

 You skeptics reading this may already be mouthing the word "but" to which I say "get a life ... a good life."

_Reference:_
 Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. _Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87,_ 228-245.

_Christopher Peterson, Ph.D. __is the author of A Primer in Positive Psychology




, published in 2006 by Oxford University Press._


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## Daniel (Jul 5, 2009)

Using Positive Psychology in Your Relationships 
_USNews.com_
By    Lindsay Lyon 

June 24, 2009

*3 wrong ways—and 1 right way—to respond to good news from your spouse* 

Close relationships is one area of life where using positive psychology can make a big difference. According to Shelly Gable, associate professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara, an important key to understanding a relationship's strength is how it works in good times, not just whether it withstands the bad. Gable has been researching what goes right in close relationships for years. By studying hundreds of couples, she's found that when romantic partners disclose positive news, how the other reacts matters—a lot. In fact, partners' reactions to each other's good news can better predict the quality of a relationship—and whether it will endure—than can partners' reactions to bad news, says Gable.

"*Reacting in a positive way not only reinforces bonds, but it also shows that person that in negative times you'll be there*," says Gable. Positive reactions also magnify the uplifting effects of the good news for the partner who's doing the sharing, she notes. A negative or semi-positive response to a partner's good news, however, can undercut all the benefits derived from disclosing in the first place, such as fostering trust, intimacy, and satisfaction with the relationship, she says. Surprisingly, Gable has found that out of four possible ways to respond to a partner's positive news, only one—an *"active constructive response"*—is good. Couples whose partners respond in any of three less positive ways are at greater risk of calling it quits down the line.

Consider the following example she often gives to illustrate: Your significant other comes home, beaming, and announces that he just got a great promotion at work. You could react with:

1. An active constructive response. "That's great, you've earned it, I'm so proud of you!" followed by questions. This conveys enthusiasm, support, and interest.

2. A passive constructive response. "Great job, honey!" then shifting to the next topic. Like dinner.

3. An active destructive response (what Gable dubs "finding the cloud in a silver lining response"). "Wow! Does this mean you'll be working later hours? Are they going to be paying you more? I can't believe they picked you out of all the candidates." Just generally deflating.

4. A passive destructive response. Can take either of two forms: "Wow! Wait until I tell you what happened to me today," which is very self-focused, or, "What's for dinner?"—ignoring the event altogether.


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## Daniel (Jul 9, 2009)

Also:



> Another unexpected result was that a passive, supportive response -- like saying, "That's nice, honey," and then turning back to the computer -- was almost as damaging as actually putting down the good event.
> 
> PsycPORT.com | Psychology of thriving


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