# Am I heading to relapse?



## Des (Jan 28, 2010)

I am female and 47 years old. I am a chronic pot smoker and I accept that I am addicted to it, but that is not my problem.

I was addicted to cocaine a few years ago and I have been clean for 1 1/2 years until this weekend. I found 2 grams on Sunday morning and I didn't hesitate to sample it and then start snorting.

I have continued to snort and I tell myself that once it is finished, I will just not buy.

I have these thoughts about buying, I have these thoughts about trying to only use a gram a month so that I could afford to use. I know I can't start using again because I use a gram in less than 3 days and I can't financially afford the habit I had.
I have used this quantity the same way as I used before. Once I start, I want more and more and I don't feel like I have had enough.

Am I just enjoying the freebie I got and I will be able to "forget" tomorrow, when the supply is up that I have enjoyed it so much.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Des


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Jan 28, 2010)

I think you already know that you are playing with fire. Freebie or not, you can't "just enjoy" it and expect to go back to abstinence in the wink of an eye when it's all gone.



> I am a chronic pot smoker and I accept that I am addicted to it, but that is not my problem.



But of course that's your problem. Even when you're not snorting coke, you're getting high with pot. When was the last time you went any length of time at all in just the normal state of being you?

This really isn't even a question of relapse. If you've never been clean and sober, you're not relapsing - you're just switching drugs.


----------



## forgetmenot (Jan 28, 2010)

I think if you have a detox center you should get into one. It will help you stay clean for awhile get off the pot as well.  You should really reach out for help so you will have the support needed to stay clear of all the chemicals that you use.  You have done so well staying clean so long don't go back there.


----------



## Des (Jan 29, 2010)

I went into rehab to get off the pot because I was smoking excessively and I was totally out of control and I relapsed within about 4 weeks. My family know I smoke the pot but my reason for going back to smoking it, was because it helps relieve some of the pain I have.
I am more in control now with my smoking, and I can't mention the coke so I don't have the option of going anywhere. 

I haven't really been "sober" in the last 7 years, except for my stint in rehab. I need to only be on the pot because it is harmless in comparison to other substances and I don't want to go down the road of the coke again. I didn't hesitate to use again and I should have had some "fear" before I did, but I didn't and that concerns me.


----------



## forgetmenot (Jan 29, 2010)

> I didn't hesitate to use again and I should have had some "fear" before I did, but I didn't and that concerns me.


Your belief of using anything to cope with your pain is the problem  You need to go back to detox to get off the pot the alcohol and the need to use anything to cope.  Therapy can help you learn new ways of coping with your pain ones that don't cause you to loose yourself.  I have often thought of ways of taking the pain away but i see to quickly how these substances destroy the person and the family around them.   You have to make a choice - to get better to get off everything and to finally just deal with the pain in a way you can finally let it go.  Therapy with a good psychologist, detox all good choices substance abuse of any kind not good choices.  It is not going to be easy but if you want your life back on your terms you have to start by taking small steps in the right direction.  take care I hope you can get the help you need.  Time to take back your life.


----------



## Daniel (Jan 29, 2010)

> I can't mention the coke so I don't have the option of going anywhere.


That's not true, at least in the U.S. and Canada.   My relative in the U.S. had all of the substance abuse treatment options available to him after he woke up in the hospital after a mild coma from using cocaine.  The only thing keeping him back was himself (including a lot of denial).  Even when he hit rock bottom, he didn't take advantage of substance abuse treatment options, and, for all I know, is still using drugs.


----------



## Des (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi, thanks for your responses. 
I hear what you say about having options available such as rehab centres to get me off the coke but they won't accept me if I don't come off the pot and I can never do that.
My partner was devastated when I got involved with coke previously and I don't want to hurt her again by letting her know that I have been messing around with it again.

I finished the supply I had on Thursday evening, so I haven't used for a few days now and I have been fine. I have wanted to buy and I miss the effect it has on me and I can sometimes taste it, but I haven't bought.
Today I went looking for a possible different place to buy from, if I need to because I don't want to start using my ex dealer. I didn't make any arrangements to buy but I think I just want to find a place so that I know where to go if necessary.

Des


----------



## Domo (Feb 2, 2010)

You mentioned that you smoke pot to relieve pain? Is this a physical or emotional pain?

If you were able to ease this pain in another way, maybe trying to quit all drugs might an option for you.


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 2, 2010)

Instead of looking for a place to buy  look into a place to get detoxed to get off everything  spend your time that way  they will give you better coping skills to help relieve your pain skills that will be with you for life.  Try a more positive way okay try.


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Feb 2, 2010)

Des said:


> I hear what you say about having options available such as rehab centres to get me off the coke but they won't accept me if I don't come off the pot and I can never do that.



Why not?


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 2, 2010)

It is just another substance that you use to cope try just try to go in and see what they can teach you okay there are other coping methods  why be dependant on anything when you don't have to be.


----------



## Des (Feb 2, 2010)

I have MS and peripheral neuropathy which causes a lot of pain and I use the pot to help control my pain a little better. I was smoking before the pain was so bad but I do believe that the pot does help a little.

I don't know that I could face life without being able to escape as I do.

Des


----------



## Daniel (Feb 2, 2010)

There are non-addictive medications.  Have you seen a neurologist recently?

On a related note:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/prescription-medications-and-otc-drugs/14362-marihuana-isssue.html


----------



## Des (Feb 6, 2010)

Thanks everyone.

I read your links Daniel and I thank you for the information. I do see my neurologist and he has got me on Neurontin 600mg tds for my pain. I am also on other antidepressants and anti-epileptic meds but my pain doesn't go away.

I did a very stupid thing this afternoon, I met a dealer this afternoon, which I didn't plan but I took his number and if I had had my purse with me, I probably would have bought a gram. I don't want to use the number but part of me knows that I probably will need it. I hope not.

Des

---------- Post added February 6th, 2010 at 06:25 PM ---------- Previous post was February 5th, 2010 at 06:33 PM ----------

I am sorry to post again before getting a response but I have really messed up I think.

I used the number today, I called the dealer and I initially was only going to buy one gram but I bought 2. All my reasons for not buying, seemed to just fly out the window.

I tell myself I won't buy again, but I didn't stick to what I said I would do once the other supply was up and I don't know if I am just fooling myself.

What am I doing?

Des


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Feb 6, 2010)

Des said:


> I used the number today, I called the dealer and I initially was only going to buy one gram but I bought 2. All my reasons for not buying, seemed to just fly out the window.
> 
> I tell myself I won't buy again, but I didn't stick to what I said I would do once the other supply was up and I don't know if I am just fooling myself.
> 
> What am I doing?



You are just fooling yourself.

It seems likely that you're going to need some help to do this, Des. Will power and resolutions don't seem to be working for you very well on their own. I suggest you look for an addictions counsellor before you go any further down this clearly self-destructive path.


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 6, 2010)

MY thoughts exactly  YOu need professional help  YOu cannot conquer this addiction on your own. Please reach out to an addiction center sign yourself in and get help.  Throw the 2 grams away now don't use it   It will only cause you to go further into your problem   You need professional help understand that please


----------



## Andy (Feb 6, 2010)

Against my better judgment I am going to reply to this thread, I say that for my own reasons, nothing to do with you Des. lol

First. Welcome Des!:2thumbs:

Des, You know that as soon as this next 2 grams is gone you will be back in the same situation. Feeling guilty and knowing that it's not good for you but tasting it in certain situations or just suddenly and then fighting that urge to buy it again. It's not going to just go away on it's own and you just saying that you want to stop it isn't going to make the urges go away. Especially if your around people or know the people to get it from. 

I can understand that you may use pot for pain. I totally get that.  Would you ever consider going into rehab and stopping everything to help yourself now.  They have doctors there, so I am sure if it was warranted you could get something for the pain for the time being. It may not be the same but while you dealt with this other stuff it would be worth it.  Then when you left rehab maybe you might realize that you don't need the pot and if not the choice is yours.  Though if you start with it again you risk ending up back where you are already, sooner or later. 

You went out and looked for another supplier "just in case". lol Come on. Your totally fooling yourself. You want more, so your telling yourself whatever you can to make it ok.  I'm not laughing at you or trying to be cruel. It's just that, that was not "just in case" lol that was setting things up, call it what it is.  I think since you have been to rehab,especially for coke, then you know as well as I do where this is going. Only you can make the decision to stop this and get help before it goes to far and is even harder to give up. 

We can be supportive here and try to help out as much as possible but only you can make the actual steps to getting yourself help, right?

Again, I am not trying to be cruel.  I apologize if I offended you and I understand if you don't like me after this, as it is blunt, but it's my opinion that you have to be a little blunt with addictions sometimes.  I sincerely hope you choose to deal with this before it's gone to far.


----------



## Des (Feb 7, 2010)

Hi everyone.

Thank you for your responses and I did not take offense to anything that has been said. I appreciate your honesty and I do understand that I am heading for trouble. I know that I should go and seek help but the truth is, when I ended up in rehab before, my relationship with my partner changed dramatically and I know that she will lose what little respect she has for me and we will not be able to salvage our relationship.

My family were supportive but they thought I was there only for the pot and now they know I am back on the pot but they know I am controlling it, so there will be "no reason" for me to go to rehab in their eyes. We never discussed my rehab or addiction since I came out and it is now a subject that is no longer applicable.

STP, I know it does sound as if I was setting myself up to buy, and I probably was, although I didn't actually plan to buy now. If I hadn't got that first quantity, I wouldn't have thought about buying.

I just need to be really strong and resist the urge to contact the dealer again. 
I will only be using for a few days then it will be over and I shouldn't battle too much once it is time.

Des


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 7, 2010)

Keeping yourself in denial that is not going to work you know it.


----------



## Atlantean (Feb 8, 2010)

Des,
 I am an addict and the one thing I know is that not only can we not tolerate our substance of choice in any capacity, frequecy or amount, but that we will lie and trick ourselves into making excuses that make it possible for our addictions to keep controlling us and wrecking havoc in our lives.  No one can tell you if this really was just a one time thing, or if you are sliding down that precarious slope that we all face, that only time will be able to tell but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I would advise you to create a support network that can help you to remain sober even if you end up being able to just up and walk away from it, because you never know when you might need someone to lean on.  Addiction isnt a issue that is easily resolved, but an open ended process that we must live with for the rest of our lives.


----------



## Yuray (Feb 8, 2010)

> All my reasons for not buying, seemed to just fly out the window.



It would be a good idea to find out why the window is open, and how best to close it.




> I called the dealer


Perhaps others would be interested in the number......the police. The dealer(s) is a slimebag



> I don't know that I could face life without being able to escape as I do.


A lot of us feel that way, but the road to rock bottom is not a pleasant alternative.



> when I ended up in rehab before, my relationship with my partner changed dramatically and I know that she will lose what little respect she has for me and we will not be able to salvage our relationship.


Food for thought...how much respect for you will she lose if you don't quit?  Is you partner so severe that she can't offer compassion and assistance? If you both go to counselling, you both may be rewarded.

Addiction is ruthless. Its a free ticket to offend, steal, hurt, manipulate, lie, undermine, deceive, and most important, addiction allows one to justify and validate the aforementioned undesireable traits. Heres another kicker......"I am in control of the habit that controls me".

Nancy Reagan minimilized addiction in three easy words......."just say no".........what she didn't say was "how" to say "no".

Rock bottom is not a pleasant place to be, and you don't seem to be near it yet Des, but surprisingly, rock bottom does have a population of many who have readjusted their entire existance to accomodate it. They will crawl through miles of sewer just to beg to buy. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.


----------



## Des (Feb 9, 2010)

Hi, thanks for your responses.

I really don't mean to sound as if I am in denial and I do realize that I need help, but I honestly am not able to confide in anyone. I am afraid to say that my partner has no compassion when it comes to my drug use and she won't understand.
I genuinely am stuck with not being able to share my fear that I won't be able to quit again.

I know I have to get rid of the dealer's number but each time I think of doing it, I feel very anxious and I rationalize keeping it, just incase I need it some other time. I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, but that is what prevents me from actually getting rid of his number.

I just don't know what to do.


----------



## Yuray (Feb 9, 2010)

Hello Des

Sounds like you're in the ' between a rock and a hard place" scenario.



> I just don't know what to do.


I think you do know what needs to be done but are unsure, and afraid perhaps how to do it. With all the alternatives you have been provided with in this thread you have options to choose from. No one is going to write another response in here and offer the "magic easy painless solution". This is crunch time. 



> I genuinely am stuck with not being able to share my fear that I won't be able to quit again


If you ask anyone who has recovered,  they will say the same thing. Being 'stuck' is a choice. I know it seems hopeless to be where you are, but it doesn't have to be a life sentence.



> I rationalize keeping it, just in case I need it some other time.


As long as you can rationalize something this detrimental to you..................(feel free to finish this sentence anyone) (including you Des)!

Recovery is a painful miserable road with rewards not evident in the beginning. When you can look at your reflection in a mirror, and between tears and sniffles, say to the reflection " I love you", you can _begin_ the release from addiction. You are the only one that counts. This has to be done for yourself, not others.


 A friend was working on her doctoral thesis. She was taking far too long. The  professor asked her what the problem was. She said she was trying to get it 'right'. He said 'quit trying to get it right, just get it wrote'.


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 9, 2010)

Only you can take the first step so take it okay call and get yourself into treatment  enough stalling just do it okay.


----------



## Des (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks for your responses.

I guess in a way I have taken the first step and the only choice I genuinely have with my circumstances. I have finished my supply and I have to do this cold turkey because rehab is not an option for me.
I have almost constant thoughts about buying again and I really didn't realize that I would have such anxiety when I had to delete the dealer's numbers and when I used the last of my supply.


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 11, 2010)

YOu keep saying rehab is not an option it is the ONLY option that will get you clean and keep you clean


----------



## David Baxter PhD (Feb 11, 2010)

Violet said:


> YOu keep saying rehab is not an option it is the ONLY option that will get you clean and keep you clean



I am inclined to agree with Violet.


----------



## Jazzey (Feb 11, 2010)

I agree with Violet also.


----------



## Yuray (Feb 11, 2010)

> I guess in a way I have taken the first step and the only choice I genuinely have with my circumstances.



A good start! The fact that you are in here  talking is also a good start.


----------



## Des (Feb 12, 2010)

I can't get into rehab and I am sorry if it appears as if I am in denial and just not trying.

I hoped for some support and guidance, as sometimes a person does not have all the options open to them.

Thanks anyway for your responses to now.


----------



## Yuray (Feb 12, 2010)

Hi Des

Rehab is not always the answer to addiction.  Lots of people overcome addiction without rehab. I understand your reluctance, and the reasons for it.

As for support and guidance, we have all done our best. Now that you know how we all see your situation, in time some of the things we said may sink in. Rather than a knee jerk rehab alternative, you should talk to someone in person though, even a homeless drug addict will do. At least talking to the homeless drug addict will show you the road you may be heading down, and give you time for a course change. Good luck Des.


----------



## forgetmenot (Feb 12, 2010)

Why can't you get into detox that is what these programs are for to help people like you who are struggling. We are here to support you and i think it is great you keep posting and reaching out for help. You know how hard it is these addictions you stated that yourself.  To get professional help will mean you can stay clean and get coping skills that will help you for life  
Can you talk to your GP and maybe get on some medication that helps decrease your want for your drug.  Revia or another medication that will help decrease your urge to use.   There is help out there you have to want to reach out and get it.  Doing it on your own it very very hard    I hope you come to understand that getting help for you is a good thing.


----------



## HotthenCold (Oct 25, 2012)

I heard a really good analogy in A.A the other day regarding us addicts ever being able to just enjoy a substance if we've admitted were addicted to it:

A pickle can never go back to being a cucumber. And the only thing left for a pickle to become is relish.

 I.E- once you're pickled (an addict), that's it. You're an addict and have to avoid the substance if you wish to remain in control of your life. 


All the best <3


----------

