# Why won't they help?



## SilverRaven (Feb 9, 2013)

I do not know what to do anymore...I cant take it anymore ....today is not going good at all...I miss my daughter so very much and I cant take not being able to hold her and love her

I want to be with her so damn much...and no matter who I call and talk to they just dont have the time for me...I have to wait until the end of the month to get it..

I want to be with my girl so much..I am tired of everything breaking down all the time and never getting better..I am tired of not having enough  to take care of my family

and having my own place...the drama going on is just so overwhelming that I'm going nuts...people out to hurt me for stupid things I didn't even do....why is it always me?

I don't want anymore drama...I don't want anymore pain....I just don't know how to fix the problems and when I try they fall apart again and again...I have these thoughts in my head and no matter what I have been doing to make them go away today it's not working...how do you make the people understand you are trying to get help and regardless if they have room for you or not you need help?...does
that mean I am not worth their time to help?...does it mean that I am not fixable?...I called and talked so many times and I go nowhere...I feel like their has to be an end to this in one way or another


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## Retired (Feb 9, 2013)

*Re: why won't they help?...*

Silver Raven,

Sorry to hear you are struggling at this time.

In order to offer suggestions, would you clarify a few points, please?



> I miss my daughter



What are the circumstances preventing you from seeing your daughter?



> no matter who I call and talk to they just dont have the time for me...I have to wait until the end of the month to get it



Whom are you calling, and what happens at the end of the month?



> how do you make the people understand you are trying to get help and regardless if they have room for you or not you need help?



What people are you referring to...are you talking about getting yourself admitted to hospital?

Finally, do you have a physician or therapist who is treating you at this time?


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## SilverRaven (Feb 9, 2013)

*Re: why won't they help?...*

I have a daughter who I miscarried in 98 ..today is the date that happened....so I can not see her I can not hold her..I can not help her through life...I cant do anything with her....

I have been trying to get into therapy since November...they were full...so they told me they would call me when there was an opening...no calls.....I saw my primary doctor last month told him how I was feeling and he said he would call them and get me in ASAP....never happened....then a couple weeks ago I called them and left a message...they called back finally and I talked with the nurse and I told her exactly how I have been feeling....like detailed ....and she said they could get me in to see a therapist the end of Feb. ...I told her that I needed to talk to someone like now...that I needed help now....she said she would see what she could do...never happened...I called several times and I just don't know what else to do....it just seems that nobody has time to talk to me...

nobody cares that I am trying to get help and that I cant wait till the end of the month....could the trazadone I started last month for sleep be causing some of the anxiety I am having?..I don't have a clue

omg....trying not to do stupid stuff ...I drew some really horrible things on my laptop and my room mate saw it and was like wow...I didn't even know I was doing it at the time..I was just going with what was in my head...I need to let it out...I need to vent out ...I don't dare go out in public for fear of what I could do....so I stay home...did I answer your questions?..I hope I did...


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## Retired (Feb 9, 2013)

Silver Raven,

Thank you for sharing the details of your situation.  It must have been difficult, and now we understand your situation.  

A miscarriage must be one of the most difficult experiences to have endured.  Have you had the support of your family to help deal with your loss?




> I saw my primary doctor last month told him how I was feeling and he said he would call them and get me in ASAP



Sometimes when trying to receive medical services, it's up to each of us to advocate on our own behalf.  Not knowing what may have caused the delay, you might want to arrange another appointment with your doctor to re-emphasize your need for therapy, and ask again for a referral.

Another approach might be to ask your doctor where or with whom the referral is being requested, and call that place yourself.  An approach that sometimes helps is when you call to ask when they expect to see you, and if it is not soon, then ask to be put on a list in the event of a cancellation.

Making your situation known in a concise and polite manner sometimes helps to yield results.



> could the trazadone I started last month for sleep be causing some of the anxiety I am having?



You raise an interesting question, and one that needs to be evaluated by your doctor. Medications like trazadone are usually followed up by the doctor with regular visits during the first twelve weeks of therapy so your concern would provide an excellent reason for arranging your follow up visit.  You could ask that question, and then talk about your referral for therapy.



> I drew some really horrible things on my laptop and my room mate saw it and was like wow



What you choose to write or draw on your laptop is your private business, so if drawing these things helps ease the pain and tension, then do it, and keep it from peering eyes.  If you choose to share it with your therapist later on, it may help provide some insights in therapy.



> I don't dare go out in public for fear of what I could do.



What are you afraid you could do?


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 9, 2013)

SilverRaven, 

I am sorry you are in so much pain and finding it so hard to get someone to talk to.

I am glad you are still making calls and trying to set something up.

Have you made an appointment yet?  Even if it is at the end of February, it's something.  If you are feeling like you might do something to hurt yourself, you can't wait that long, so do you have a crisis line you can call to talk to someone immediately?

Do you have any family or friends or a priest or social worker you can call?  

Anniversaries of deaths are very very hard.  I'm glad you reached out to us here.  I hope we can at least keep you a little company for now, but if you are feeling desperate, please don't hesitate to reach out to 911 or a crisis line, okay?

Keep on keeping, on.  You're allowed to remember and feel pain, but it will pass, it won't stay forever.  Just don't listen to the thoughts that you can't take it anymore, they are just thoughts, and you have the power to ignore them.  ♥


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## Mari (Feb 9, 2013)

Dear SilverRaven, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Please keep yourself safe until you can see your doctor. You can keep talking here and another possibility is to call a help line. :support:

Prevent Suicide Wisconsin - Home


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 9, 2013)

Silver Raven, first let me echo the posts from others above in expressing my sympathy for your loss.



SilverRaven said:


> could the trazadone I started last month for sleep be causing some of the anxiety I am having?..I don't have a clue





Steve said:


> You raise an interesting question, and one that needs to be evaluated by your doctor. Medications like trazadone are usually followed up by the doctor with regular visits during the first twelve weeks of therapy so your concern would provide an excellent reason for arranging your follow up visit.  You could ask that question, and then talk about your referral for therapy.



That would be an uncommon reaction to trazodone, Raven, but different individuals can react very differently to the same medications and it is not impossible. As Steve has said, the best person to discuss this with would be your doctor, who presumably knows your medical history and would have access to or could request data to rule out other medical sources of the increased anxiety (e.g., thyroid dysfunction, vitamin or nutrient deficiencies, hormonal dysfunction, use of alcohol or recreational drugs, etc.). There are other medical options for treating insomnia too, so if the trazodone is creating a problem for you that can be remedied.

Have you talked to your doctor about starting one of the SSRI/SNRI medications to help manage depression and anxiety?


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

wow so much to think about...I have no family to talk to they do not understand my situation and therefore do not know how to react to it...(miscarriage) ..I do not want to put more stress on them anyways..my oldest is going through a divorce now and she has a three year old son so she is turning to me for help....I try to help her but I can not even concentrate ...my other daughter is having relationship problems also so they have their own issues to work on ....my mom well she don't listen to me anyways..she always helps my kids out but ignores me...so I don't care she is who she is....

I do know where my doctor called thats why its so frustrating he called the clinic where my therapists are at...I have an HMO so I am limited to where I can go for help...and as far as my health goes I am in decent health except for  the fibromyalgia and arthritis seizures...diabetes...and now I started a vitamin D I have to start  taking ok so health ain't the greatest...but healthy anyways...I have a follow up with my rheumatologist for the trazodone but not for four months..I will call to see if i can get in to see him sooner to talk about that..

I feel like the pain never gets any easier...I have been hoping it will for so many years now and it doesn't ..not when I have to look at my son and know he was born the same month a few days short of her a year later...I do not regret that nor blame him in any way ok..I just look at the fact that she could be doing so many of the same things he is..and cant help but wonder what she would be like 

what am I afraid I might do?..well I am afraid I will hurt myself and or others...with the thoughts I have had I have wanted to go confront the people who threatened us and just well never mind...I am gonna call the office again tomorrow and see if there is another place to go for help since they are so busy...I just cant think...so I just stay away from everyone ..everything looks black..
I appreciate you all trying to help me...:facepalm:tha'ts what i looks like when i look in a mirror i see how i look and feel and I scream


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## Retired (Feb 10, 2013)

> I have a follow up with my rheumatologist for the trazadone but not for four months



If I understand correctly, the rheumatologist prescribed trazadone and your next appointment is in four months, right?

You may want to either call the prescribing doctor to see you sooner because of concerns with the effects of your prescription, or see your family doctor (GP) to express your concerns.

Your family doctor usually coordinates and manages at a local level the services and prescriptions of specialists, and I think sleep and mood stabilizing medication would certainly be within the scope of your GP.  Sometimes the GP will refer specialized prescriptions back to the specialist for management, but in this case, you may have easier access and better management of the issue with your GP who knows your overall medical history.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

I plan on calling him tomorrow...if and when tomorrow ever comes...time seems to have stopped...they are usually really booked thats why it takes so long to get into the Mercy Clinics...so many patients not enough doctors...aaaarrrghhhhhh...I really don't want to deal with this anymore...I just want peace...why is it so hard to just have one peaceful day...


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 10, 2013)

♥ How are you today SilverRaven?


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

I am not good..I feel no better than yesterday and now I get a call from my oldest and she wants me to babysit my grandson tomorrow...so its put on a happy face for him...I feel like I'm going on the back burner...she needs me and that right now..I know I aint much good to others the way I am but ...I gotta help her somehow so she can get through the divorce...I just don't know what to do...she doesn't have anyone else to help her with her son so ..aaarrgh...I just feel real sick right now...not a good day...thanks for asking thou..if one more things pops up today I am gonna lose it...


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## rdw (Feb 10, 2013)

You do have a right to say no to your daughter and set some boundaries regarding babysitting. I know you would like to help her through the divorce but it is her divorce not yours. The best way to help others is to look after yourself first.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

rdw said:


> You do have a right to say no to your daughter and set some boundaries regarding babysitting. I know you would like to help her through the divorce but it is her divorce not yours. The best way to help others is to look after yourself first.



I sure am trying to put myself first...is it just me or is it normal to want to help your kids first and yourself second?..and yes it is her problem but when she turns to me for help when she normally goes to her grandmother I feel like I cant say no...I feel like she would get mad and think I'm being selfish for not wanting to help...but if I get through today first thing tomorrow is calling doctors...again...then we'll see what happens....


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## positivethoughts (Feb 10, 2013)

I hear the stress and fustration in your words. 

I believe that I need to take care of myself before I can take care or help other people. I saw my mother's health suffer because her wanted to be there to help my sister. My mother had cancer and was going through chemotherapy while looking after my sister's four children. It reallly caused my mother hardship because she did not have the rest and recovery she needed between treatments. I saw her scarifice her health to be helpful and in the end she hurt herself and the children more than she could do good.

I can understand when you lose a child and family members do not acknowlegde or even understand how you are feeling. I lost a set of twin girls ...24 weeks gestation... it will be 20 years in March....My family( sister,parents,in-laws) does not acknowledge the lost, it is as if they had never exsisted. They are a part of who I am...part of my life. every year I think like you, what would they look like, how would their voice sound, what would they like and hate, what would their favourite colour be,etc...It took me a long time to find peace in this. I can not answer you about how you can find peace with your lost. The one thing that help me the most is learning not to feel guilty about grieving on the day I lost them. I have also started certain traditions on the day, so that I can grieve in my own way.

It took me many years to tell people around that I have I right to my feelings and that I am allowed to grieve my children.

Thinking of you during this time.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

I am very frustrated...angry and hurt...sad...I do feel guilty everyday for everything I have ever done in my life to everyone..especially for existing at all...I wish I didn't exist...but cant turn the clock back..I have so much anger I want to get out and no positive way to release it...so I sit and listen to music..that at least is somewhat something to do...


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 10, 2013)

Very glad you have some music to help you through some rough spots, but it's sure good to get medications and therapy to soften those edges, if that is necessary.  Temporary distractions are great, because otherwise the pain is overwhelming.  But although it can be difficult, it's also a priority to explore those things you are being distracted from with a doctor or therapist.

A couple of points that sounded with me...  For my own reasons I picked up on these bits of information...

- you feel you "have to" help your daughter with her children "or else" she will seek help from your own mother (perhaps you could elaborate on this?)... 





> is it just me or is it normal to want to help your kids first and yourself second?


  I think it's good to have balance though, as rdw mentioned, it's healthy to know when it's okay to say no, and not feel bad. 

- you feel you've never been good enough for anyone and let people down a lot: can you tell us why?  





> I feel like I'm going on the back burner...





> do feel guilty everyday for everything I have ever done in my life to  everyone..especially for existing at all...I wish I didn't exist...



-- can you elaborate on this: 





> tired of everything breaking down all the time and never getting  better. ..I am tired of not having enough  to take care of my family and having my own place..





> the drama going on





> people out to hurt me for stupid things I didn't even do





> I just don't know how to fix the problems and when I try they fall apart again and again





> does
> that mean I am not worth their time to help?...does it mean that I am not fixable?



- why are you so angry? 





> I have so much anger I want to get out and no positive way to release it


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

I feel like I have to help because she thinks because I failed her at raising her like I should have that I do not know how to help her raise her child...she thinks her grandmother on her fathers side is wise..blah blah blah...that woman is a lying back stabbing bitch from hell.....and my daughter has believed everything she has told her over the years...so now that my daughter is realizing that some of the things were lies she is coming to me for some problems she has ...and she begged me to  come back to Wisconsin to be here for her...so I did...I just feel like I have so much to make up for with the kids for letting them down on a real good happy life...

I feel like I am on the back burner because we got vehicles down that need fixing or we cant go anywhere..if it were up to me I would blow them all up ...my kids need help....my mom thinks I should finish school before anything else when I'm a mess...so my issues seem to come last...I try talking to her about things that are going on because she asks but then she just says well I have to go I have to wash dishes or what ever else she comes up with...nobody cares what I feel or go through...nobody cares..that I suffer day in and day out with problems I can't seem to solve..

I feel guilty because I let my mom down with how my life turned out and thats why she and I are not close anymore..I let my kids down..I let my husband down..I let my friends down..I let my swet dear little Angel Nicole down by not being able to save her...I feel like it should have been me not her...I just feel if I didn't exist none of this would have happened...if I stop existing then I don't feel anymore pain...

friendships break down ...families break down...vehicles break down...all at once...I thought I had made some new friends but she turned out to be psychotic in a bad way and started fights with my other new friends to the point the cops were called...everyone was arrested for disorderly conduct ..except me and my husband...then they started threating with calls to the mafia in chicago to come take care of my friends but to leave any kids unharmed...well we are staying with these good friends and I am afraid that something is going to happen...everyone is threatning harm to one another all because I  chose wrong in who to befriend...

every time I try to fix the problems in my life and they start going well they fall apart somehow...whether it be a bad choice I made or I dont know..I keep picking up the pieces and glue them back together and then eventually they fall apart again...I feel like a broken record that keeps making the same mistakes over and over..I should be a better judge of charecter but I'm not

I think i am not fixable...even when on meds I make mistakes over and over and over and over...the meds help with anxiety and that..but behavioral problems meds can not help...meds can't help you choose wisely the people you hang out with...

I am angry because nothing works...I am angry because the more I try to stay healthy and safe the more I just want to go out and do something stupid just to say there take that to myself...but then I would be angry because I did something stupid...and the music I am listening to reflexes those emotions 10 fold....the kids here argue over video games and I seem to be the only adult in this house saying anything to them....my husband tells to wash our sons blanket cause it got dirty but wont do it himself.....

why am I so angry?...I hate myself and my life and I hate the drama I hate liars and cheaters and I hate hate hate hate ....people staring at me...I just plain hate me.....and everything I stand for.....or what ever...I don't know why I'm angry ...I just am...


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 10, 2013)

Sounds like a therapist will definitely help you sort all these things out...

I've had issues with my own mother.  It's heartening to know that your daughter is starting to see your side and asking for your help.  However, I kind of see now, why you feel you "have to" help your daughter now, when the one who was lying about you is the one threatening your relationship with them...  It makes sense that you have a feeling of being "trapped."  But you have choices.  I sincerely hope that you can talk to your therapist about this.  

Control:  you are feeling like you are under the control of everything and that everyone has power over you, and you "should" do this or that or what...?   Maybe you could think about why people seem to take advantage of you -- maybe there is something you can do, if you had the tools, that might make people respect you and you could set down healthy boundaries...  And you will feel okay about saying No sometimes...  Because sometimes saying Yes to someone else is saying No to yourself.  

What I find especially interesting is the relationship with your mother.  But these again, are my own personal reasons, and I may be using my own experience to judge what is going on.  I can't make assumptions, but I really recommend you discuss this relationship with your therapist...  Because sometimes when you see repeating relationship patterns, and your recognize something is wrong, but you can't quite figure out what it is, someone with an objective perspective may be able to help you...  It's like your in up to your ears before you realize something's wrong.  Been there, I think...

I think you ARE fixable.  It's taken me a matter of years, but I am definitely in a much better space in my mind and relationships now...  If I can do it, I think others can.  I hope this gives you some hope.  I hope because of this, or because you look deep down inside you and find a few more ounces of strength, that you will find time passes more quickly and before you know it, it will be the end of February, and you will have an appointment with a therapist.

Hold on.  You are worth it.  You are willing to take steps to change things, to help yourself.  Just need to dig those fingers in, and remain dedicated to yourself.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

I am just to damn nice to people all the time..I do for others all the time..I help everyone out I can I never take time for myself..I have always been able to help others never myself..I never tried to help myself because I enjoyed helping others..I never cared about myself most of my life but always of others..so I guess thats why people think they can take advantage of me..there is no helping the situation between my mother and me ever..she is who she is and no matter how many times we have talked about our problems she denies having any...I have talked with therapists for years about my relationship with her and others..they are at a loss to as to how to help because she is so unwilling to see what is going on around her..so I just need to learn to let it go but I cant' ..I will talk with the doctor about whats going on when I ever get in....aargh....everything about my life is like a toxic poison killing me slowly..maybe the sun will come out tomorrow...not..gonna be a blizzard..


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 10, 2013)

I had lots of difficulty with my own mom.   I had to choose NC (No Contact) because it was the safest thing to do.   It sounds like we may have that in common.

I've always been a bit of a "rescuer."  I had to learn to stop trying to help and fix people who don't want to be fixed.  It doesn't help when you grow up with a broken mom that you can't seem to fix and you think it's your responsibility to do that.  The child should not be the parent to the parent, but some parents are not fit to be parents and actually depend on their child for emotional support.  I am not sure if this is what happened with you.  But if you always feel responsible for everyone else, it wouldn't surprise me if something along those lines occurred.  

Also my mom basically denies anything she does is wrong, as well.  She is very good at projecting her faults on other people.  Almost like she is from another planet but lives inside a human body.

 At least, as a mother, you are willing to look at yourself, and that's another thing we have in common (I don't have kids, but I've had to unlearn a lot of what I learned to survive being raised by my mother).  

Hope this helps a bit.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 10, 2013)

my mom is a retired social worker and that is what hurts..she should know what is expected as a parent but yet she does not use what she tells people...she used me to make her feel good just like she uses my one daughter for that..buy things to make the child happy makes her happy but if the child says no don't I don't need it then she is unhappy and will buy it anyways for you..aargh..toxic parent...yeah that is what she is...I do not like who I am most days because of her..I do not like looking in the mirror and seeing someone who lacks social skills because of her..I don't like knowing that she kept me from knowing what life was about and then throwing me to the wolves to figure those things out myself...telling me that I cant do this I can't do that..you don't know what your doing..you shouldn't do this because you'll mess it up...yeah I guess mom was right...I messed up my kids lives ...I failed at school..I failed at so many things but its still not who I am..I at least tried to make things work..and I have made a difference in many lives with the help I offered....but my life seems so messed up that I'll be dead before it is ever close to being normal...what I would do to just experience one day of normalcy..one day of things going right with no fights no complaints no worries at all...just one day...I would take that one day and relish it forever if I could have it..


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 10, 2013)

Right, sounds like she was a rescuer, too.  

She'd try to do everything for you, and help you...  even if you DIDN'T need to be rescued.  That's called interfering. 

My mom was a lot like that.  And I was like that.  I had to learn to figure out my boundaries.  I had to figure out where I ended and other people began.  I had to figure out that people I wanted to rescue usually didn't want to be rescued, and instead of looking for someone to fix, I should have been fixing myself, and maybe been looking for someone who was already whole. 

 I imagine it's something like that for you.  I had learned some behaviours from my mom.  But I'm doing pretty well and unlearning.   You can, too.

I'm in my 40's and been working on my unlearning since I was in my 30s...  I know ladies in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s who are in the same boat as myself.  

If it's one thing I've learned, you're never too old to start anything.  Including healing.   Especially that.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 11, 2013)

ok so I get into see my regular doctor and he takes me off the trazadone for now to see if that helps my moods and that...but I have been put on a cancellation list with my therapist to see if I can get in soon because they can not get me in sooner at this time and once I see her then she will decide if  I need to be on meds and what not and then set me up an apt with the psychiatrist omg...that could take another month...I jsut want to get back on my meds that I was taking before omg..is that so hard?....gggggrrrr...its the same clinic I was at before I moved three years ago so why is it a big deal?...I cant take this anymore no way...I cant wait....I told them I cant wait..if they can get me in sooner they will..I'm losing it ...I gotta do something....I so want to do some crazy stuff right now...how assertive or aggressive do I have to be to get them to get me in NOW.......I am beyond angry now...beyond wanting to handle this rationally...this is why I want to die...wait wait wait wait...oh you gotta wait longer yet even after waiting ....I'm so done with waitingmg:


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 11, 2013)

Raven, please, if you are going to do something "crazy" call your 911/crisis line, okay?  If you want immediate support and the usual method is backed up from appointments, like with a doctor, get help immediately.

If you have a stroke or a car accident you get taken to the ER, if you are having some kind of mental breakdown, you need to get that sort of help immediately.  Whether it's 911/crisis line/ER whatever, don't have to wait for that, do it now.  ♥


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## SilverRaven (Feb 11, 2013)

yeah..,,mental breakdown..I like that term ...sure is better than what others are calling me tonight....should go for a walk maybe the nice windy cold air will open my mind up...so its freezing out but better than sitting in the house thinking...I'll call if I think its that bad..I don't think it is but yeah...thanks...onward


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 11, 2013)

I am sorry if my phrasing offended you.  I've had what I would call a mental breakdown.   My mind just went kablooie one day.  I couldn't function anymore.  That was it.   I can't say it was worse or better than what is happening in your mind right now, but when my mental/thinking just grinds to a halt, I don't know what else to call it... 

I had a breakdown, burnout... Whatever you call it.  I left work after bawling outside in the field out back behind the building, and didn't come back into work again (at least not to that job).    

In retrospect it was a good thing that I finally broke down, because I stopped harming myself by continuing going to work at a very dysfunctional workplace that was too much like a recurrence of living at home (so I know a little about patterns)...


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## SilverRaven (Feb 11, 2013)

no I was not offended by what you said...mental breakdown is what it is..its just better than what everyone else is calling me today...stupid idiot coward..irrational fool...crazy..screwed in the head..etc..
so no your wording is right...I have been crying off and on and screaming and all kinds of stuff....my mind is not working..guess thats a good way to put it...I think all the good got deleted...I am not a patient person so waiting to do something about all this is putting me over..and it feels like a bomb went off...but your all good...don't worry bout me..I do a lot of ranting right now..


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 11, 2013)

Don't worry, "the good" doesn't get deleted.

It's just everything is overwhelming right now.

I've felt like a burnt marshmallow before.   Essentially your outsides are fried and somewhat like lava... Inside there is still mostly marshmallow... 

 But just don't stay over the heat any longer to catch fire.  Because if you do stay in those flames too long you just might just melt right down to nothing but the nub of your marshmallow stick.



It's okay to scream and holler and beat up pillows and stuff.  Best to do it when no one else is within, earshot, mind you.  Do what makes you feel sane as long as it doesn't hurt you...  

After some crying and screaming and dancing like mad to some mind-fracking music and exhausting yourself, though, have a hot bubble bath, then curl up somewhere and just close your eyes and breathe slowly in and out for a while.  Maybe you could get some quiet relaxing music to go along with it. ♥


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## SilverRaven (Feb 11, 2013)

a marshmallow yeah..sounds about right..no, I went out and started beating the crap out of my truck...lol...ha..felt good for a time..thing wont run anyways so thought since it looked like I felt it was something constructive to do..wrote some poems to..trying to get some of the darkness out..and a bit of light I guess..but so much more darkness inside thou..but I think a long walk is still in order..when he gets home from work...I'm gonna leave...the night is calling..


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 11, 2013)

Stay warm, Raven.

Maybe he'll go walking with you?

I saw your poems just now waiting to be read, will go have a look.  

It's good to get that out on paper.  Helps leech it out of your head.  Better than letting things rattle around and bounce off the insides of the skull.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 12, 2013)

Thanks..but I don't want any company when I leave..I will go by myself...better that way...hope you like the poems

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https://www.facebook.com/SilversWritingPage
Wandering Spirit

 Who am I, why am I  here, where am I going? These are questions I have no answers for.  Everything around me seems so strange and unfamiliar. I do not know what  my purpose here is. All around me are faces I do not know. What do they  want with me? I am traveling on an unknown path, seeking what I haven't  a clue. I cry out to the faces I see and my words do not reach. Why  can't they not see me and why can they  not hear me. I cry but no tears fall from my eyes. Time passes by and my  sorrow turns to anger. I am tormented by this silence. Why does nobody  care. Why do tehy ignore me. How can i be set free if nobody cares.  After what seems an eternity, I came upon a cemetary. I wandered around  until I came upon a name. I knew that name. Why did I know that name?  Then it came to me all at once. That name belongs to me.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Feb 12, 2013)

Hey, Raven,

I am sorry I didn't get the chance to say hello yet today! 

Got work tomorrow...  Was using our airmiles to have my MIL come visit (I actually like her), and we did it online...  It's exhausting for some reason, to do it online....

Also made Chile for supper (it was a 3 hour deal)....

Just the same, wanted to touch base....  How are things...

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Seemed like quite an errand sort of day.   Were you able to get an appointment with your physician yet?
Have a good night, if you can...  Or a good walk if you plan to go for one tonight.


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## SilverRaven (Feb 12, 2013)

well thanks for thinking of me...glad you get along with the MIL..wish I could cook but mines a work in process...I have not eaten ....much in the past week...nothing stays down for long...to stressed out..
went for my walk last night which was cold...today is not going well at all....things are just getting worse...my friend got his truck running over the weekend and today while I was driving it it broke down again
this is twice in a week that I have been driving his truck and it breaks down...just like me....been in a very dark place today...having real bad thoughts...tried talking to a friend but it didn't help...tried to get my mom to talk to me and that failed which made things worse ...I am in a void ..a black hole ...the image on the mirror is the same on both sides....black...no shades of grey or color...just black...


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