# Ten Simple Steps to a Remarkable Relationship



## David Baxter PhD (Aug 27, 2012)

*Ten Simple Steps to a Remarkable Relationship*
by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
August 26, 2012 

_Radical Change Occurs When You Overcome Your Listening Disorder_ 

Practicing  these ten steps will change everything, whether your most difficult  relationship is with your mother, spouse, sister, best friend, or child.


*Say as your mantra, *_"Listening well is the ultimate spiritual act."  _
Remember that _how_ you listen defines how your relationship goes, and whether the other person is happy to see you or not.


*Don?t just do something. Stand there!*
When the other person shares a problem, they are not inviting you to fix it, or give advice. Practice just listening.


*Stay Curious: You don?t know how she or he  feels. *
Be curious about the other person's experience. Don?t eclipse the  specificity of his or her story, with a story of your own. (?I know just  how you feel because, because I remember how scared I was before my  gall bladder surgery?).


*Forget About Being Right.*
Leave  room for two different realities, without trying to change, fix, or  convince him.. Foster a collaborative spirit rather than a competitive  debate.


*Check yourself for defensiveness.*
Defensiveness is normal and universal. It is also the arch enemy of listening. It will reduce the listening part of the human brain to the size of a pinto bean.


*Breathe.*
Defensiveness is in the body so calm yourself anyway you can.


*Don?t interrupt, argue, or make your case.*
Think of having two conversations. Tell yourself, ?In this conversation, I will only listen and try to understand.? I can share my differences in the next conversation.


*Become an expert questioner:*
Ask questions to help clarify the other person's point of view and to show you care about understanding her. Asking for specifics is not the same thing as nitpicking or cross-examining. Don?t act like a lawyer even if you are one.


*Try the ?ultimate listening experiment?*
Challenge yourself and surprise your partner by inviting the very conversation you most dread. (Her worries about your son, her anger about the unfair division of labor) Set up a ?meeting time? to listen when you?re free of distraction and have good intentions. Tell her in advance you?re there only to hear everything about what she?s upset or angry about.


*Draw the line at insults.*
Listening with an open heart is not the same as allowing yourself to be demeaned or badly treated.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 27, 2012)

*Books by Dr. Harriet Lerner*

_The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships_ by Harriet Lerner  (May 3, 2005)


_Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up_ by Harriet Lerner  (Jan 5, 2012)


_The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate_ by Harriet Lerner  (Aug 6, 2002)


_The Dance of Intimacy_ by Harriet Lerner  (Mar 19, 1990)


_The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships_ by Harriet Lerner  (Jan 20, 1994)


_Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving_ by Harriet Lerner  (May 11, 2004)


_The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life_ by Harriet Lerner  (Apr 7, 1999)


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## Retired (Aug 27, 2012)

> When the other person shares a problem, they are not inviting you to fix it, or give advice. Practice just listening.



I learned that when listening to someone vent about their situation, all they would like to hear from the person lending their ear is:

_... Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh........Uh-Huh._


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