# Why is it so hard to ask for help



## just mary (Jun 18, 2005)

Why is it so hard for to ask for help?  I was at an AA meeting this morning (my third) and I can't figure out why I can't ask for help, why I can't just approach someone and say, "I need help, I need someone who will understand".  It's not as though there aren't people there offering their help. I felt paralysed during the meeting, my arms literally went numb and I couldn't feel them. When it was my turn to speak, I spoke, but it was brief and mainly just a thank-you for being there.  But I felt positively nauseous and I still do.  

And I know this isn't just my problem, otherwise there wouldn't be forums like this.  And I can post here sometimes but even here I feel anxious and sick and no one even knows me. If I a get reply, it's great but I still feel empty a lot of the time, I feel like I need more, I feel like I need to talk to someone real, which is normal I suppose.  But how do I overcome that fear and talk to someone real?  Is it just practice?

Thanks.


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## Impunity Jane (Jun 18, 2005)

I think many of us need to very gradually get to a point where we can be so vulnerable with strangers.  Even though you might not yet be able to say what you want in a meeting, I'm sure you are getting closer to it, just by showing up and sitting through it.  Maybe you need to feel more comfortable in the setting first.  Also, it might be easier if you were to become familiar with one or two people and speak to them first, rather than a whole group.  I would say, persist in trying buy don't push yourself too much, and don't be too upset that you aren't yet comfortable.


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## just mary (Jun 18, 2005)

Thanks Jane.  That's basically what I keep telling myself, just sometimes it feels so overwhelming and tiring that all I want to do is just say "screw it" and walk out the door.

But sincerely, thanks for the support and encouragement, it does help.


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## just mary (Jun 18, 2005)

Thanks Jane.  That's basically what I keep telling myself, just sometimes it feels so overwhelming and tiring that all I want to do is just say "screw it" and walk out the door.

But sincerely, thanks for the support and encouragement, it does help.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 19, 2005)

Jane is right. It's a matter of allowing you to just be yourself. Listen to your head and body and heart. There's no hurry -- you've taken the first step already and there's nothing wrong with pausing for a little while to get your bearings and catch your breath a bit -- it took a long time to get to the point where you understood that you needed help and if it takes a little while longer that's perfectly okay.


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## Impunity Jane (Jun 19, 2005)

Hi Mary

I was just thinking - did you see that movie 28 Days with Sandra Bullock? It just came to mind - I remember the issue for her character was she was unable to ask for help for her addiction problems.  I remember really liking that movie.

I was also thinking, perhaps you are like me and in your family it was not okay to admit to having problems.  I've had to confront that attitude in myself and work on challenging it.  I try to tell myself, it's normal to have problems, many fine people have problems similar to mine, and it's actually wiser to admit to them and be willing to work on them, than to cover them up with a facade of being perfect.

Jane


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## just mary (Jun 19, 2005)

Hi Jane,

No, I haven't seen the movie but I've always kind of wanted to, I don't know why I've never rented it.

And you're right about my family, whenever we were upset or had a problem it was never really discussed, it was just "put up and shut up, it could be worse".  In some ways I almost kind of envied those families that had heated arguments, cried out loud and just let everyone else know how they were feeling.  But I know nothing is as wonderful as it seems.

However, I'm visiting my parents today and I'm writing from their computer.  I'm absolutely dying for a beer but I won't have one, it's just what to do when I'm sober, all I seem to feel is anger and hostility.  I need to learn how to live without alcohol, it's not just about stopping drinking, I can do that, it's learning how to live again.

Thanks again Jane and David.

Take care.


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## ThatLady (Jun 20, 2005)

Heh. I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged complaint, as well. If you ain't bleeding to death and/or don't have a temperature about 102F, you ain't sick and we don't wanna hear about it. One learned to keep things inside. If you were angry, you were to hide it. If you were sad, you were to hide it. If you were sick, you were to hide it. Anything else would have been considered uncivilized.

It takes a lot of work to break out of that pattern. We come to believe that by not complaining and not asking for help, we're being "good little troopers". We're not bothering anybody. We're not getting in the way.

Actually, the opposite is true. By not asking for help when you need it, your problems worsen and your world begins to fall apart. Now, you really become a problem, and it all could have been avoided by getting help early on. It's not that easy to see that when you're raised to behave as though nothing is wrong.

If we can just learn to stop and think about it, we'll realize that asking for help is the smartest, and kindest, and most giving thing we can do. Asking for help gets us on our way to wellness more quickly, and it gives other people the opportunity to feel that they are important and have something to give that's worthwhile. We're receiving help, yes...but, we're also giving a gift to those who help us. We're giving them the gift of knowing they have something of value to give.


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