# Feeling suicidal...



## poss (Jan 24, 2010)

Hi,

I don't know what to do. I feel more suicidal than I ever have before. 

i think this is it for me, the last straw. I have BPD and it makes me impulsive and violent. I had a baby 3 months ago and since then I've been trying to get my meds right and changing doses and drugs. Seems it's still not right. 

Have lost hope that it ever will be. I changed meds again a few days ago and yesterday my husband and I were driving, had the kids in the car (3 month old and 2 year old), we had an argument and out of nowhere like a reflex I hit my husband round the head. He didn't react, kept driving, said it hurt. 

My 2 year old was awake and must have seen it. I worry myself sick about screwing my kids up the way I have been screwed up but I just can't seem to help myself. I had lost control again. My husband said I can't treat him like that and that he would drop me off somewhere. I felt devastated. In the end he drove home with me.

 I took double my dose of Quetiapine (Seroquel) before he took them off me. I cried hsyterically. I begged him to let me die. To let me overdose. I wanted it, I needed it. He wouldn't let me. I know i behaved badly but he knows I am in a dangerous place when I lose control and to tell me there and then how bad I am and that I am acting like a child etc. drives me to want to kill myself. 

I have told him so many times that I can't live like this, that I'm the one with all the guilt, that I'm the one that will be screwing up the kids, that he has to let me go, let me leave him. He begs me not to, says we can cope together, insists he is strong enough. But he's not. No one is.

 And I can't deal with being confronted about my behaviour while I am having an episode. I can't go on. It's gone too far this time. I'm violent. In front of my kids. 

I have to do the right thing and get out.   How can I live knowing what I've done?   How can I carry that around with me? 

This is my life, either being overmedicated so that I'm like a plant, or feeling like this and having to suffer the guilt of having physically hurt my husband. 

What kind of a life is this? One that's not worth living.

Poss


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## forgetmenot (Jan 24, 2010)

I am sorry you are suffering so much with your illness.  It is hard because it takes sometimes awhile before the right combination of medication will work but when it does you will feel more in control.  Do you have a therapist that could help you deal with all the stress the emotions this illness can bring.  Just having someone to talk to outside the family helps.  If you feel you are not able to hang on the best thing to do is call your doctor and see if you can go to hospital for awhile.  You need to stay strong for your two little ones and if going into hospital for awhile will give you some stability it will be worth it.  Keep giving the medication a chance okay but also try to get some therapy as i found therapy has worked so well.   Your husband and your children will always need you and would be devastated if anything happened to you.   Call crisis okay even if it is just to talk it does help.


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## Into The Light (Jan 24, 2010)

poss, i agree with violet. as a mother myself i can understand your guilt and fear you are feeling right now. that you want what's best for your kids. but, what is best for your kids is not for you to kill yourself. that will cause them huge emotional trauma. what is best for your kids is for you to get the help you need so that you get stabilized. your husband loves you. it would devastate him equally if you killed yourself. i would strongly recommend you consider going into the hospital for a while - this gives your husband time to recharge, and it gives the children time where they aren't exposed to the things you don't want them seeing. yes they will miss you but in the long run i think it would be best for them - you would come back from the hospital stabilized and they'll have their mom who is in a healthier, better place. i don't have bpd myself (did you mean bipolar disorder or did you mean borderline personality disorder?), but i went through severe clinical depression and also thought my family would be better off without me. but the thought of what my death would do to my children, the abandonment they would feel, the trauma they would feel that they lost their mother to suicide, i just couldn't let them go through that kind of pain. so i fought it, i got help, i made it through, and i am in a healthy place now, and they have their mom back. it was so worth the fight. 

my heart goes out to you for the pain you are going through right now. stay strong and go for the help you need, for both you and your family, especially your children.


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## Retired (Jan 24, 2010)

Poss,

I am sorry to hear how badly you are feeling.  It sounds like things may be overwhelming at this time.

Has your doctor suggested the possibility of post partum depression?

Were you off medications during your recent pregnancy and have you resumed your meds after the baby?

What medications are you taking in addition to the Seroquel at this time?

Are you able to contact your doctor to report your suicidal thoughts?

Do you have the number of a local crisis line that you can call?

Thank you for taking the time to answer all these questions, which can provide us some insights into your situation, that we can try to point you in the right direction.

*If you feel you are in imminent danger of completing your suicide plan, please call 911 immediately.*


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 24, 2010)

One more question: By "BPD", I assume you mean Bipolar Disorder... or did you mean Borderline Personality Disorder?


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## poss (Jan 24, 2010)

Hi Steve,

I don't think I have postnatal depression, although I did last time. These moods are just what I always suffer with. I was off my medication during pregnancy and got back on it about 2 months ago. I also take 100mg Sertraline. I can't contact my doctor as it's night time here. I have the number of the local crisis team but I'm afraid to call as I get so upset by things that I'm afraid they'll judge me or misunderstand me and I'll get even worse. I'm just self-medicating with extra Quetiapine at the moment. I don't know how else to get through this.

Thanks,

Poss

---------- Post added at 11:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:43 PM ----------

Hi David,

No, I meant Borderline Personality.

Thanks,

Poss


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## Lana (Jan 24, 2010)

Hi Poss;
I am sorry to hear that you're suffering right now.  But I agree with everyone that posted: please don't do anything drastic.  Your hurt and upset are completely understandable.  I say use them to find therapy that will help ease the symptoms of BPD and help you and your family help you when you're having a difficult day.  You didn't mention, but are you undergoing therapy at this time?  Medications will even out, so please be patient just a but longer.  If you are in therapy, this is a great opportunity to ask your therapist about coping mechanisms, in particular, Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that will help you regulate your emotions and teach you how to deal with distress.


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## Retired (Jan 24, 2010)

Poss,

People who work in crisis centers do so because they like people, and want to help.  In addition they have likely been trained in understanding persons in crisis, and how to interact.  They should not be judgemental, but rather supportive.

Self medication may not be your best strategy, but as has been said, contacting your therapist/physician to report on your suicidal thoughts is your best course of action.

Do you have a trusted family member you can call on for support during this difficult time.

Remember your young children are your reason for living, so you need to get the support you need to help deal with your present crisis.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe until you contact your doctor?


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## forgetmenot (Jan 24, 2010)

Hi Poss its is late here but i do hope you are able to get a hold of your doctor tomorrow just to touch base on how you are feeling.  I have phoned crisis line twice now and each time they were kind gave me some coping skills and help me calm down my brain a bit.  I think if you call crisis you will see how supportive they can be.  Take care okay and please please stay safe for you and your family.  Lots of help out there okay just reach out for it.


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## poss (Jan 26, 2010)

Hi guys,

Thank you all so much for your supportive and kind words and also for all the advice.

My husband called my therapist yesterday and she said she could see me so I went there and we talked about things, I was more honest than I've ever been before (I guess it takes hitting rock bottom to be able to do that). She was amazing as usual, really supportive and encouraging. She didn't judge me and just wanted to help. She is really into mentalization based therapy and she is training in it this year so hopefully we will be able to do that together. I felt better after seeing her.

I also spoke to my GP and he changed my meds again and I'm feeling more stable now, at least I'm out of the 'episode' that I was in. Tomorrow my husband and I will see my therapist together and we'll try to workout strategies and safety measures for the next time this happens.

Thank you all once again for taking the time to respond. It's much appreciated.

Poss


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## Retired (Jan 26, 2010)

Poss,

It sounds like you made some significant progress, which is evidenced in the tone of your latest comments.  You have a husband who cares and supports you, a young family as well as a therapist who provides the support you need....all important reasons to live.

Thank you for the update.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 26, 2010)

That's good to hear, poss. Thank you for updating us.


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