# Would Like A Relationship With My Younger Sister



## GDPR (Feb 2, 2014)

I have a younger sister,she is 8 years younger than me.Sometimes(actually most of the time)I forget about her,forget that I even have a little sister.

When I was 11,she became my responsibility.I didn't do a very good job at all.And then when I was a teenager,I decided I didn't want to take care of her anymore,announced my decision,and that was the end of it.To be honest,I have no clue who took care of her after that.I assumed my older sister did,but when I asked her about it a few years ago,she said she didn't.It bothers me that I have no clue and neither does she.

I have been thinking about my little sister today.And I think I would like to get to know her again.I haven't really been around her and haven't even really talked to her that much since leaving home.I don't think I have seen her at all in the past 6 years.I do kind of stalk her on Facebook sometimes,I look at pictures of her kids and see what she's up to.

I really don't know how to initiate contact with her.I don't know what I would or should say to her.I don't know how to express to her the regret I feel for abandoning her like I did,for the mistakes I made.I don't really have an excuse for not being in her life all these years,other than the shame I feel.

I don't even know if she would want me in her life,but I feel like I should at least try,but I'm not sure where to even start.

I feel really bad and ashamed.I have a younger sister,and I don't really even remember her.I don't even know her and she only lives like 20 minutes away from me.

Where do I even begin with this?


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 2, 2014)

Why not send her an email or a letter and say exactly what you said here??? I can't think of a better way to open a conversation with her...


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## Daniel (Feb 2, 2014)

Relatedly:  How to Write a Letter to Your Long Lost Family


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## MHealthJo (Feb 3, 2014)

It's absolutely unfair to you  that you were ever put in a position where a child was made "your responsibility" when you were an eleven year old child. You did not choose to have that child and you didn't give birth to that child, you had no healthy care or safety for you yourself, and you were in absolutely no position to be able to care for or be responsible for a child. I hope you do not feel too much shame. Because it wasn't really your responsibility and there was no reasonableness or sense or possibility of coping, in the situation of your family, and there was no ability for a child or a teenager in your situation to look after or provide for another child.

But having gotten into a bit more safety and wellbeing for yourself now, it's nice that you are interested in her, even though the situation is very complicated. I agree that it's tough to figure out how to proceed. But if she knows the situation, it would be strange for her to judge you or be upset with you. I guess I don't know whether she is under the family propaganda/ control system though.


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## GDPR (Feb 3, 2014)

An email or something is a good idea.Now I just need to find the courage to actually do it.

I feel very anxious about it.I wish I could just reconnect with her without having to talk about the past at all,but that's not going to be possible.And I worry it may hurt her to know that I don't really remember her.I do remember that she became my responsibility when I was 11,and that I didn't do a good job,but as far as remembering _her,_all I see when I think about her is little bits and pieces,little snippets that are so fast that I can't even see her in my mind. But who knows,maybe if I do get to be around her and talk to her again it will all come back.

I don't know what type of person she is.I can't really make a judgement from her Facebook because people tend to make themselves something they're not on there.I may not even like who she is,but I think I would like to find out and at least try.

I am worried that maybe she won't want anything to do with me,and I need to prepare myself for that,just in case.


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 3, 2014)

You don't necessarily need to revisit the past in detail or to tell her you don't remember much about her. You could simply say something along the lines of

_A lot of things happened to us when we were growing up and a lot has happened to me in the years since we last connected. We can talk about that if you want to or if you have questions, but more importantly it saddens me that we lost contact over the years. I'm at a point in my life now where I would like to change that and to reconnect with you, if you are willing to do that._​


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## MHealthJo (Feb 3, 2014)

That is wise to think of it that way (i.e. to prepare yourself either way and remember that sometimes people just don't feel confident/interested in pursuing  reconnecting with an out-of-touch relative). But even if there is no interest, sometimes a few years later or even more years later, that may change. I am sure your T may have some suggestions to guide and support you with it too.


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## Retired (Feb 3, 2014)

David Baxter said:
			
		

> _A lot of things happened to us when we were growing up and a lot has happened to me in the years since we last connected. We can talk about that if you want to or if you have questions, but more importantly it saddens me that we lost contact over the years. I'm at a point in my life now where I would like to change that and to reconnect with you, if you are willing to do that._



This sounds like an excellent, non confrontational, _reconcilliatory_ approach.!  Tell her you are interested in reconnecting, and when she is ready, here's the contact information.....and leave it up to her to make the next move.

Reconnecting with someone from the past, in my view, has to be done with an eye to the future.  It's pointless and counterproductive to relive past events, because as we get older, we are at a different point in our lives.

If there are no serious issues to resolve, then the relationship should be formed as a new relationship, with few expectations of reconnecting with the past.

As long as both parties are willing to meet in a polite and non adversarial posture, to give each other to learn about each other as they are today with an eye to how they may become friends in the future, is the way to avoid disappointment.

Having gone through a family reconnection myself, I found that by accepting the person as they are today, and enjoying the fact that we can at least be in each other's lives is consolation enough for me.  The expectation that we might have picked up from where we left off in the past, I found to be unrealistic.

Hopefully your experience can work to your mutual benefit.....keep your expectations realistic.


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## GDPR (Feb 3, 2014)

David Baxter said:


> _A lot of things happened to us when we were growing up and a lot has happened to me in the years since we last connected. We can talk about that if you want to or if you have questions, but more importantly it saddens me that we lost contact over the years. I'm at a point in my life now where I would like to change that and to reconnect with you, if you are willing to do that._



I really like that! Thank you!

Thanks everyone.I was thinking that I would have to start a relationship by apologizing about the past,explaining myself,etc.,but I don't really have to do that.I was also thinking that it wouldn't be possible to talk to her without having to talk about the past,but I guess I don't have to,unless she does have questions or feels the need to,and then I will.

Now I need to build up my courage and just do it instead of thinking about all the what if's....


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## Retired (Feb 3, 2014)

You may find that stating at the outset that the past is the past, and you don't have any particular interest in revisiting the past, unless there is some specific issue she wants to address or resolve.  Make the point that you are looking to the future, to be friends and to see what if anything else develops.

The point is to relieve as much of the tension and anxiety from the joyful experience of reconnecting as possible.

Do you know, at this time, if there is any interest on the other side?


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## GDPR (Feb 3, 2014)

Steve said:


> Do you know, at this time, if there is any interest on the other side?



No,I have no clue at all.


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## Retired (Feb 3, 2014)

There have been some great suggestions in response to your query.

Here's how it worked for me in my own family reconnection:

I sent a hand written letter saying I was interested in reconnecting.  I made the following points, "Too much time has past, and I'd like to let bygones be bygones.  My door is open and *when* *you feel you are ready*, please contact me....I'll be looking forward to hearing from you"

I believe stating the words I bolded will show there is no pressure or deadline.

Let her make the next move.

I would also incorporate the thoughts David expressed in Post #6 of this discussion.

I hope it works out for you, but do keep your expectations realistic to avoid setting yourself up for disappointment.


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## GDPR (Feb 4, 2014)

Steve said:


> I hope it works out for you, but do keep your expectations realistic to avoid setting yourself up for disappointment.



I hope it works too.And I am trying to not set myself up for disappointment,but my mind has already been wandering and I am imagining having a sister that is not abusive,that I spend time with,go for coffee,go shopping with,talk to all the time,etc......


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## MHealthJo (Feb 4, 2014)

It definitely is a nice thing to daydream of. But whatever happens with the sister, you can still hope/plan to eventually have a nice friend that you can do some things like that with.


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## Ftbwgil (Feb 6, 2014)

hi Lost in thought I agree with David Baxters suggestion for you to write the truth. Be honest and if you apologize do so about the situation. In no way where you responable for the outcome.  None of the kids in the familly are at fault for anything. You where innocent children caught in the crossfire. Please keep in mind that the ideal of having a brother or sister is nice. How about a friendship. Also I learned from experience that when I reconnected with my brothers an d sisters with a 810 year gap a lot of the past was brought up and it really was difficult to create a new relationship with a constant reference to the awful past.  Maybe there is a book on how to re open lost familly ties where trauma and dysfunction was present.  I have had success with my sisters but not with my brother as we often discuss the past. One thing for sure do not feel shame or guilt for the current outcome.  None of this was your fault whatesoever.
Good luck in re establishing a connection.  your doing great-


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## GDPR (Feb 6, 2014)

I haven't contacted her yet,I still haven't worked up the courage to do it.I'm not in a rush(anymore) about it,it doesn't feel urgent or anything at the moment.

I don't have contact with anyone in my family of origin anymore.With the help of my therapist I was able to see that they all were still being abusive in one way or another. And I was allowing it to continue because they were _family._I sometimes miss having family but it feels good to not be abused anymore.

My younger sister was never abusive.I am hoping that's what will make the difference if we do develop a relationship.I think it would be easier to start fresh because of that reason. With the rest of the family it was too easy to stay in the same role,which was me putting up with however I was being treated.

I do have a couple of friends I could go shopping with,out for coffee,etc.,but it would sure be nice to have a sister,a real sister.


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## GDPR (Nov 3, 2014)

I started thinking about my younger sister about half an hour ago and remembered that I had started this thread back in February and realized that I forgot about her again for all these months.I hate that I do that,I don't know why I do,and it makes me feel bad.

 I know I said I would like to have a relationship with her,but I don't think I can ever reach out to her in order to have one.I don't think I want to take a chance on things not going well.I don't want to take a chance on her being abusive like the rest of my family is.

She could possibly be a very nice person,but I am too afraid to find out.I know it's probably not right to feel this way and to not contact her because of how the rest of my family is,to not even want to give her a chance,but I have been so hurt by everyone else,I don't even want to risk it.

Is it wrong to feel this way?


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 4, 2014)

But what if she's not the same as the rest of your family?



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## Andy (Nov 4, 2014)

Maybe you could just go for lunch or something with her. Sort of feel it out. If she seems all right then continue to build a relationship, if it doesn't go well, then at least you know you tried. Lunch only lasts an hour or so...Just a thought.


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## GDPR (Nov 5, 2014)

Since I'm not exactly sure where she is living now and I don't have her phone number,maybe I could send her a message on Facebook on Thanksgiving and wish her a happy holiday.If she responds,then maybe we can start off communicating that way and gradually start talking on the phone and then eventually meet in person.

Maybe that would be the best way to do it.If she doesn't respond then I will know to not pursue this.


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## PrincessX (Nov 5, 2014)

I do not know LIT... While a "Happy Thanksgiving" wish is always nice, it might not be enough to give her the main message, which is that you regret having lost connection with her and you are asking her to reconnect.
I was in a similar situation with a "Happy Birthday" wish from a long forgotten relative. It caused me more confusion than anything else. I was wondering why this person suddenly decided to wish me a "Happy Birthday". Was it just a random act of kindness or did they expect me to reply, or what was I supposed to do. In my case it was more an act of ambivalency about whether we should re-connect or not. But in my opinion just a wish is not enough to reveal one's intentions to reconnect with a long forgotten relative. You should somehow deliver your message to her.


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## GDPR (Nov 5, 2014)

PrincessX said:


> I do not know LIT... While a "Happy Thanksgiving" wish is always nice, it might not be enough to give her the main message, which is that you regret having lost connection with her and you are asking her to reconnect.



I thought If she responds to the happy holiday message then I would send another and ask her how she has been doing,how her kids are,etc.and see how it goes from there. 

I don't feel like I should send her one telling her I want to reconnect,I would rather just go with the flow and let her lead.I wouldn't want to send one saying I want to reconnect and then have her block me,I'm not even sure she would want to hear from me at all and I don't want to set myself up for that kind of rejection.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 5, 2014)

That sounds like a good plan to me, LIT. Start subtle and maybe get more direct later. 


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## PrincessX (Nov 5, 2014)

Hey, sorry LIT, Dr. Baxter and you must be right. I was trying to give an advice, but to be honest my social skills are not the greatest , so I was judging on my own responses in a situation like this. I guess most people need a less effortless approach, when someone is trying to befriend them. Good Luck!


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## GDPR (Nov 5, 2014)

Thanks,but there's no need to apologize.

Its not that Dr.Baxter and I are right and you're wrong,I just think maybe this is the best route for me to take in my situation.


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## GDPR (Dec 23, 2014)

With everything that's been going on in my life lately,I forgot about her again.

But I did just send her a FB message,so I guess I will wait and see if she responds.I am not expecting anything from her though,I will be disappointed if she doesn't,but at least I know I tried.


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