# It's like I never learned to drive



## Banned (Apr 27, 2013)

Cause I'm just crashing all over the place.

I've had two good weeks since the last crash, but I'm going again.  I'm crying over weird stuff and feeling miserable and down.  I saw this one coming though so I got on top of it and did the right stuff right away.  I did mood logs last night and this morning.  I felt like I was in control and could work my way through this.  But now I don't know if its better to work through it or surrender to it, accept its gonna be a crappy week or two, and work 24/7 or sleep 24/7 til it passes.  

I need to do something different to try to make it tolerable but I just don't know what that is.  I'm doing the stuff I should be doing but why am I not feeling any more optimistic about how the next week is gonna unfold?


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 27, 2013)

Keep doing what you know you should be doing even if it doesn't feel like it's helping. At the very least, it may stop the depressive cognitive distortions from exacerbating the symptoms and it may well limit the severity or shorten the time course to recovery.


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## Banned (Apr 27, 2013)

They are just relentless in their attack on me.  Holy hell.  What did I ever do to them??


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 27, 2013)

Who are they?


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## Banned (Apr 27, 2013)

Horrible thoughts/cognitive distortions.

There's a lot of trees dying for these mood logs.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 27, 2013)

They'll grow back.


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## Banned (Apr 27, 2013)

I don't want to be responsible for global warming .


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 27, 2013)

Don't worry. You're not responsible for global warming. According to one of my sons, the blame goes to me and my generation...


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## Banned (Apr 27, 2013)

I am trying to find a way to keep doing everything I love.  I need another ten hours in every day, four days in every week, and the ability to survive without sleep.  I'm well on my way to becoming an insomniac again.  All that hard work for nothing.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 27, 2013)

It's all about balance, Turtle. How much is your health worth vs. how much do all those other things mean to you?


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## Banned (Apr 27, 2013)

That's the hard part.  I want everything.  I don't think I can have everything anymore though.  I have to decide what to give up and what to keep.  The thought of giving stuff up breaks my heart.  I define so much of myself by so much of what I do and the feedback I get from it.  I turned down a job this past week.  I had to.  They begged me.  They pleaded.  They proclaimed their love and that no one else could help them.  But I'm of no help to anyone if I'm completely fried.  But it kills my self- worth and my self-worth needs a lot of lovin' lately.

I'm staying up nights mulling all this over and how to make the most of every second in every day.  How to plan every minute, when to sleep, if I should bother sleeping...how I can do six things at once to maximize my time.

I see a major disaster in my future.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 27, 2013)

I see major insight and maybe some major adjustments in your future which will avert the major disaster.

No one can do everything and no one can be everything to all people. Life requires compromises with reality and with your own limitations. Failure to understand that leads to burnout, a lesson I learned the hard way.

Adjust your priorities. #1 is your health and sanity. #2 is everything else.


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## Banned (Apr 28, 2013)

I was somewhat proactive today.  I booked a trip to Vegas.  I desperately need to go.  It's been way too long.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Apr 28, 2013)

Sounds like you need a break, for sure Turtle.  

I think I saw you feeling the same way about our late spring here in Canada.  OMG, it's like I'm completely different now that the stupid irritating snow is almost all gone and there is no threat of snow anymore.  I think it was affecting a lot of people.  I think some of us went a little stir crazy locked up in our houses surrounded by winter until mid-April...  It's unnatural to be holed up that long...  

I think you've made an awesome choice to get out of there for a while.  You'll be feeling like yourself soon.  Do you normally plan things that way, or have you just been chewing on that because you need to get out of the house? 

I sincerely hope you get some good sleep and can turn your brain off for a while.  Try swimming while in Vegas...  It's quiet under there and it forces you to hold your breath and then let it out slowly and slowly rise to the surface...  Pretend you are turtle!    Or maybe a sea otter or a sea lion.  Maybe you could watch "O" (Cirque de Soliel)....


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## Banned (Apr 28, 2013)

Thanks jolly.

i just started a full time job and I haven't worked full time in a few years.  I am trying to do everything I've always done on top of now working full time and managing my depression and its just not working very well for me.  I thought about asking for a status change to go back to part time but I think if I give this time I will adjust and I think in the long run, once I do get used to it, full time will be better for me.  

Im going to Vegas right after profit share and I plan to gamble.  That's really the only reason to go.  Plop me in front of a slot machine for four days and I'm happy as a pig in mud.  I'm hoping to put in a hot tub this summer though and then I can relax at home a bit more (theoretically).

---------- Post Merged on April 28th, 2013 at 01:48 AM ---------- Previous Post was on April 27th, 2013 at 10:55 PM ----------

I just cried all the way home from work and had a screaming match with myself.  I think the battle is officially on.  I'm so not up for this but here goes...


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## rdw (Apr 28, 2013)

It is all about life balance T. The "dancing as fast as you can " routine will definitely lead to burn out - been there done that and it was not fun. I'm glad that you said no to that other job. Learning to say no is a skill that all of us need to learn.  I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time again


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## Banned (Apr 28, 2013)

Thanks rdw.  I'll get there.  One foot in front of the other...

---------- Post Merged at 07:33 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:41 AM ----------

I really like my new job.  The shifts are long but they go by fast and I sit on my butt for nine hours.  Unfortunately I get off at 3am, time I wind down its almost 5am, and then Jill gets me up at 7am.  I only have two shifts left at the office til I work from home.  I have to figure out how to get more sleep though because it is undoubtedly affecting my mood and I've noticed a return in my anxiety too.


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