# Feeling sort of down



## Murray (Apr 4, 2010)

I'm am just feeling sort of down tonight for some reason. Lately several people have commented to me, my husband, and even my therapist that I seem so much improved. I guess this is a good thing, and I am glad that people see something positive. It makes me wonder what they thought I was like before, ugh. Also I feel like I am letting everyone down by feeling depressed when they think that I am doing so well. I don't want to let on that I am still unhappy and hate myself most of the time because I don't want to disappoint everyone.


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## Banned (Apr 4, 2010)

Hey Murray,

Did something happen today or tonight to trigger your down mood? 

Just because others have commented that your mood seems up overall, doesn't mean you should feel like you are disappointing them if you feel down. You will still have those feelings, but you can't discount the positive - that is, that overall you seem to be doing better. Also, thinking that you are disappointing everyone is another distorted thought - jumping to conclusions - becasue you're making assumptions on how they will think or respond when really, you don't know and are probably quite incorrect in your assumption.

What kinds of activities normally bring your mood up? Is there something you can do now - a hot bath, a good book, Dr. Baxter doing a song and dance (he takes requests)...that will cheer you up?


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 4, 2010)

Murray said:


> I'm am just feeling sort of down tonight for some reason. Lately several people have commented to me, my husband, and even my therapist that I seem so much improved. I guess this is a good thing, and I am glad that people see something positive. It makes me wonder what they thought I was like before, ugh.



My guesses: unhappy, sad, down, stressed, distressed, listless, depressed, maybe anxious or worried. In a word, human, but not very happy.



Murray said:


> Also I feel like I am letting everyone down by feeling depressed when they think that I am doing so well. I don't want to let on that I am still unhappy and hate myself most of the time because I don't want to disappoint everyone.



They said they thought you were improved, not that you were cured. I very much doubt that they will be disapointed in you to find out that you still feel depressed. Disappointed FOR you perhaps, but not IN you.

But what might very well disappoint those who love you is finding out that you felt you had to hide what you're feeling from them...


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## Murray (Apr 4, 2010)

Thanks Turtle,
It has been a number of things in addition to my usual crap that always has me down. 

My mother-in-law made a little throw-away comment in front of a bunch of people several days ago, when I was actually feeling like a worthwhile human being for once. What she actually said wasn't that horrible except for how it reminded me of all of the previous times she had made the same comment. Instantly I reverted back to feeling like a worthless human being that no one could love. (sorry, that sounds pathetic I know)

I am also having fertility issues still.

Had a difficult discussion with my mother in which I sort of asserted myself and told her what I needed a bit, which was great until she told me that my step-father's cancer is probably back. So, now I feel terrible for being so selfish when they have so much to deal with. 

Anyway, just a bunch of crap and I guess I am wallowing.

I am actually reading a good book right now, but it isn't exactly cheerful in the least. So, I may want to find some light reading. BTW, I had no idea that Dr Baxter would take song and dance requests...this forum truly is an extraordinary resource. LOL

---------- Post added at 01:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:37 AM ----------

Thanks for the response Dr Baxter.



> They said they thought you were improved, not that you were cured. I very much doubt that they will be disapointed in you to find out that you still feel depressed. Disappointed FOR you perhaps, but not IN you.
> 
> But what might very well disappoint those who love you is finding out that you felt you had to hide what you're feeling from them...




This sort of struck a chord with me. The idea that they would be disappointed FOR me rather than IN is such a different way of looking at things. I am so accustomed to just feeling like a huge disappointment to everyone most of the time. I suppose I should try to look at things a little differently.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 4, 2010)

Hey don't feel bad about talking to your mother about your needs. It will help both you and her in the long run to stay civil right.  You are feeling sad because you have reason to feel down with your recent disappointment and stress levels.  As long as you stay on top of your sadness don't let in go too deep okay because that is when it gets so difficult to pull yourself out.  Keep in touch with your therapist and try to get out in the air okay walking even if you have to drag hubby behind you.  Take care


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## Murray (Apr 4, 2010)

Thanks Violet, 
I just feel so badly for my mom and the last thing that she should have to worry about when she has a very sick husband, is my petty needs. Of all of the times for me to finally decide to work on letting my mom know my needs, it has to be when she is worrying about something so much more important. I just feel so selfish right now. To make matters worse, she was so nice and understanding during the conversation, that I feel even more like a piece of c**p. She would have to finally become a reasonable rational person, right when I am acting like a selfish brat.  I just wish that I had shut my mouth and not added to her burden right now. 

I am trying not to let myself sink back down into too dark a place again, which is part of why I posted. It is somewhat cathartic for me to post and just get it out of my head. 

What is funny is that what most people had commented on was not so much that I was seeming to be happier or anything, but that I was being more confident and actually initiating contact with others and putting myself out there a bit more. 

Hopefully hubby and I are going to go outside for a while today, he is now trying to get out of it. It is a gorgeous day today, so I think we should. Part of me feels guilty though, because it shouldn't be his responsibility to go for a walk with me because I am incapable of going by myself. It isn't his fault that I can't be outside by myself for more than a few minutes without freaking out, so he shouldn't be punished for that. Anyway, it has been so pretty outside the last several days that I have actually thought that I might want to spend some time outside, just not sure how to do that on my own. I have been sort of contemplating trying to stay outside for a bit longer each time. Rather than rushing from the car to the house, maybe I could walk around the yard for a minute or something. God that just sounds so stupid! I feel like such a a**hole!  

I see my therapist again Tuesday and we are going to work on my mother-in-laws hurtful comments to me and all of the baggage that comes with them, so that should be fun.:2thumbs:

Anyway, thanks for letting me go off on my self-pitying rants. Sorry


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## forgetmenot (Apr 4, 2010)

Guilt another emotion i hate.  I think keeping everything out in the open is the best for everyone right now. Your mom knows you care and you will be there to support her in this time just as she is there to support you.  Don't feel guilty about getting husband to go for a walk with you look at it you are improving his health too doing something good for him.  Walk can be so peaceful and healing.  You are not a  ----hole  you are a person that gives alot and it is important to reach out in times of need    I think your idea of trying to stay out a little more at a time is a good one maybe park farther away from the door that too will increase your time out.  Find a nice sheltered area where you can put a chair and just pass out in it  Keep reaching out okay because in doing so you are not isolating :2thumbs: good for you for doing what is necessary to stay out of that black hole.


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## Retired (Apr 4, 2010)

Murray,

Treating the illness of depression is an ongoing process that can take years sometimes.  Its just the nature of the illness; however progress is measure by the number of good days vs the number of bad days.  That ratio usually changes as treatment progresses where, eventually you should experience more good days than bad days.  Hopefully one day, all days will be good, with just occasional set backs.

For those of us who have found success in treating our depression, the insight gained from treatment and repeated relapses becomes your ally.  As you experience relapses, you begin to realize these down periods are usually temporary and if you just ride it through, there are good days coming, thereby helping you cope witht the relapses.

As has been said, those who love you are there for your support and you should feel comfortable in sharing how you are feeling.

You should take comfort, Murray, in knowing depression is a treatable illness.  Don't give up, continue your treatment, be prepared for modifications in your treatment over time and there should be better days ahead.


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## Murray (Apr 5, 2010)

Violet said:
			
		

> Guilt another emotion i hate.



I really hate guilt too, but I have always been really good at feeling it.lol 

TSOW, thanks so much for the response. 




			
				tsow said:
			
		

> Treating the illness of depression is an ongoing process that can take years sometimes. Its just the nature of the illness; however progress is measure by the number of good days vs the number of bad days. That ratio usually changes as treatment progresses where, eventually you should experience more good days than bad days. Hopefully one day, all days will be good, with just occasional set backs.



I know that you are right about this, I just get discouraged at times. Since I have been treating my depression for the past year+ I have  noticed that there are some good days now, and sometimes even fairly good weeks. So, I know that there is improvement. I am just sort of sick of this frustrating existence. It makes me angry when I think of how much of my life I have wasted feeling this way.



			
				tsow said:
			
		

> As has been said, those who love you are there for your support and you should feel comfortable in sharing how you are feeling.


 Aside from my husband, who I am sure is sick of dealing with this, I can't really talk to others about this stuff. My mother has much worse problems of her own. My in-laws think that being depressed is just weakness, although they are on anti-depressants. The few friends that I have don't need to be burdened with my c**p, so I try to keep it to myself.  



			
				tsow said:
			
		

> You should take comfort, Murray, in knowing depression is a treatable illness. Don't give up, continue your treatment, be prepared for modifications in your treatment over time and there should be better days ahead.



I'm not giving up. I do know that I am slowly getting better,I just need to be patient with myself I suppose. Thanks again


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## NightOwl (Apr 5, 2010)

Murray, I've been reading your posts and trying to think of the right words to help but I'm not an expert, I just know what it's like to feel really low at times, and the words of a good friend of mine who helped me, said "When you get those low times and you think you are not making progress, remember 3 steps forward and two and a half back means that you are still making progress". 

I hold on to these words and because it is a small sentence, it is easy to think of in those low moments when it is difficult to concentrate on too much.

Kind thoughts to you.

NightOwl


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## Murray (Apr 5, 2010)

Thanks NightOwl,
That is a good way to think of it. 

Sorry for the self-pitying rant I guess I was in a mood. Thanks for all of the responses.


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