# Guilt.



## forgetmenot (Jun 24, 2018)

Have a lot of guilt when it comes to someone i love  
she is in hospital again went in voluntarily but now has been put on involuntary status
i told her to go in  and now i am not sure if it was right thing

 Last time she was there well  she was harmed mentally and physically
i cannot help her in that she needs her meds adjusted but i cannot help feel guilty for where she is now
locked up in a room no escape really  and someone with adhd that is very very hard

she missed out on her best friends wedding  she tried to get out by pulling fire alarm  ugggggggg i don't understand but i do her only friend is getting married invited her and she could not go she has no other friends really.

the guilt is that i told her not to worry abt wedding that she needed help and to go in voluntary to get it.
NOW NOW she is locked up again  
I finally got courage call hospital and found all this went down on Saturday day of friends wedding
of course they blame it on behavioral problems
i blame it on the fact no one followed up on her lithium level   It dropped and she became unstable after month of stability
she started back into street drugs again  ugggggg
I don't know what is right or wrong anymore  you go to hospital to get help and you are pinned down  strapped down  you are treated worse then an animal
i have to find it in me now to go tomorrow and see her 

  i am triggered by lock doors  i hate them omg i hate them and i pray she is not restraint i pray that is not the way she is  why did i tell her to go into that place why. 
 i had her back she was  back and she was functioning but then dam lithium was not upped and it dropped out of her system  the team saw she was cycling again but no med increase sorry my mind   anger so much anger   if all this was followed up she would have still been stable  and been able to go to the wedding and she would not be locked up right now   

sorry  just trying to prepare myself to see her snowed with med increase. To see her locked up and maybe in restrains still i am tired have not been sleeping or eating and my mind keeps going to the wrong places 
 It is my fault i told her to go there for help  i should have known  it was not place for her. but i cannot help her with getting her stable god only someone who knows what they are dealing with can.  Now they see how unstable she can become hopefully they quit judging her and start treating her as a person  not  a label   not a dam label.  If this not acceptable to post please delete it ok  just so sad beyond sad  because finally they were treating not only her schizo part of her disease but also her affective part and she was doing so well and now it has all unraveled again


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## gooblax (Jun 24, 2018)

That's a tough situation  @forgetmenot, and it really sounds like you care about this person and want the best for them. Your caring instinct led you to spot the danger from an unstable med level, see that the person was at risk without intervention, and got them to the place they needed to be at the time. You made the choice that was informed by the info and experience you had on hand, from a place of genuine caring.
Unfortunately the person's actions since then have resulted in unintended consequences and they miss out on something they wanted to do. However the person's actions are not your fault, this unintended consequence is not your fault.

One thing that helps me when I get stuck in a guilt/shame tunnel about something is to let myself feel it for a set period of time, and determine why I did that thing. Take a step back, remember that no person has omniscience, and it's likely that you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time the decision was needed. Here is a link that I've found helpful - about forgiving oneself after a mistake, but some of it can equally apply for any decision with an unintended consequence even if it wasn't a direct caused by the decision:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/focus-forgiveness/201410/how-forgive-yourself-and-move-the-past%3famp


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## forgetmenot (Jun 24, 2018)

Thanks Gooblax  she was able to phone me tonight the hospital phone was not working earlier  i got more information about why she was put back on form she was suicidal on her pass when she was voluntary    She does not know what will happen tomorrow they may give up on her and sign her out something about she is a liability now  another label   

 Hard but i do think she needs more help more stability i just don't know if they will give it to her now.
  At least her lithium has been increased that was started Saturday  i don't know it that can cause suicidal thoughts or not but it was just increased so i don't know 
Whatever happens happens  just pray they don't give up so quickly they follow through now with the increase and monitor her blood work and watch her for a few more days anyways.  The guilt i feel well i will deal with it  somehow  i just wanted her well  i wanted her safe  that all.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 24, 2018)

She is where she needs to be, @forgetmenot, where she can get the help she needs.

You know she has not been stable at all lately. I say that not to blame her or to criticize her but to remind you that she has needed help to get stable again for a while now. Thanks to you, she is now where she can get that help and as an involuntary patient she cannot make impulsive decisions that would again put her at risk.

You did what you needed to do and you did what she needed to be done, for her own sake.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You have done well.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 24, 2018)

Logically  iknow you are right  i do  i do  my heart aches for her it does  

  I don't understand when they say it is a behavioral problem i don't understand those words  they use it alot in nrsg home. 

 The problem is that they are hurting so badly thus she does impulsive things that bring her into harm

  I do hope they keep her in hospital now that they see just how unstable she is.  

 I am afraid now they will release her because as she said she is a liability to them 

  I hope they at least keep her until the lithium levels are stable and blood work is done..  

   I have promised her that no matter what happens i will be there for her.   

They do not take her seriously when she says she is suicidal  that is where they go wrong she is suicidal and has been for awhile now like you stated she has been so unstable.   

  Thanks for saying i should not be feeling guilt  i am trying so hard to do what is right for HER  and you are right hospital is the place for her it is 

i hope they keep her and not discharge her after what she has done.    

The locked doors the vacant rooms so bare i look in and i see a prison  but logically i know it is a safe place for her to be i know. 

 I am fighting two minds sets inside me  i know that does not make sense but i am and yes you are right  no matter what happens at least now her medication has been increased  thankful for that.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 24, 2018)

> I am afraid now they will release her because as she said she is a liability to them



That's just more reason to keep her. They have seen first-hand how unstable she is.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 24, 2018)

Yes  and i hope they do i truly hope they do now they see just how unsafe she is.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 28, 2018)

Just got a call  being released today  grateful they kept her as long as they did really usually they just send her home next day. 

 Grateful they upped the lithium she has been there a week now  not a long time really but i know it is the long weekend coming up.

  Bed crunch time so they are releasing everyone they can so one they do not have to have so much staff on   i get it.  

   Hoping we can get to her act team and get prescription filled for the weekend and i will keep her here with me as long as i can. 

 Also hoping now that follow up will be done with this medication increase. 

 Hard only because i don't understand why it is so difficult to follow up with care that has been started.    

She sounds very fragile right now emotional  i assured her everything will be ok  and i was grateful she called so she did not end up on her own again on the streets  i assured her i would be there. 

Will go take care of ma early then head down  just pray increase in lithium will keep her mania from coming back.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 28, 2018)

The increased lithium really should stabilize her, @forgetmenot, as long as she stays on it and doesn't mix it with street drugs.

You're a good mother and a good daughter, FMN.


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## forgetmenot (Jun 28, 2018)

Thanks for saying that Dr. Baxter.

 Actually it went as well as can be expected  she was so drugged up when i got her she could barely walk not pleased with that at all nor was act team. I made sure we went to her act team and got the meds that she needed for the whole weekend  as i am not going to be driving back and forth  she will stay with me until Tues morning. 

   It was good i was able to to talk to Act team share my concerns now that blood work needs to be followed up on.   The  lithium was up by 150mg  so 750mg now from 600  all at night time  i guess they have their reasons for that time.

   lol  she was so happy to see real world again not just white walls and feel the air.  She will be ok your right she will be ok  because she will be with me and no one will harm her here no one.

  I will be able to sleep now too   Your right i did what was best for her she needed to get more medication to help her stabilize. 

   I just wish her father could see this is where she needs to stay  it is safe here  or else act team needs to get her into supportive living situation.

  One of the people at nrsg home said she looks normal not unstable  and i said that is the problem her looks do not tell what is going on in her mind.


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## GaryQ (Jun 28, 2018)

That's great to hear FMN she will be safe with you and you will be able to get some rest.


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