# Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt



## Desiree

I am 43 years old.....not a mixed up teen.....? ?I have had suicidal thoughts from a young age and throughtout my life have made various attempts to take my life.? ?

I have just discharged myself from a psyc. hospital.? I was sent there 3 weeks ago after attempting to take an overdose.? I was angry at myself for failing and angrier at my partner for "saving" me.? I tried to make quite sure that I had taken a fatal combination.? I am a nurse so, am quite aware of potentially dangerous and lethal medications.? ?My partner woke up during the night and found me before it was too late.? ?She allowed them to resuscitate me twice....this made me angry.

I should be feeling better but I don't.? I don't know how to find the motivation to want to live.? Everyone expects me to suddenly be interested in life just because I have spend time in a psychiatric facility.? Should I be feeling different?

Desiree


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## David Baxter PhD

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

Being hospitalized for observation after a suicide attempt isn't therapy, Desiree... it's just crisis intervention. I wouldn't expect you to suddenly feel nappy or even happier after that experience.

But I would encourage you to consider that you now have another opportunity to make changes that will matter to you and to those who care about you.

You're a nurse, you said. Do you know what resources are available in your area and how to access them?


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

I am aware of the resources available to me.... I have been having therapy every second day as my psychiatrist feels that I am still too unstable to be trusted. I have not been able to identify why I have a need for destructive behaviour at my age.

I have always had this pattern of destruction and although I have been able to keep it at bay for many years, it has always been a part of me.  I have a loving partner, she is willing to be patient with me. She is willing to help me where she can..... I have no major problems in my life......

I am having difficulty in trying to want to live.  I just feel tired of everything and at the moment am struggling to care about the hurt I will cause others if I do this selfish thing.....  I am at the point where I don't necessarily want to die but, I don't want to live........  I am trying to rationalise my feelings and thoughts but, am unable to.

Desiree


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## Daniel

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*



> I am at the point where I don't necessarily want to die but, I don't want to live........



Personally, when I am living in a gray area where life is interesting but doesn't seem worthwhile, I like the following, rather stoic ideas:



> "You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either."? ? ?--Jackie Kennedy Onassis
> 
> "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." --Marie Curie
> 
> "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." --William Shakespeare



Anyway, it's easier (or less difficult) for me to ignore or deconstruct my negative thinking than it is to be very positive about the nature of life.? Of course, a big problem with depression is overthinking/rumination.


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## ThatLady

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

Hello, fellow nurse, and welcome to the forums!

In what area of nursing are you employed? It's a stressful job, as any of us who are involved in healthcare services well know. In some ways, we who care for others often take on their problems as well as our own. Sometimes, it's difficult to draw the lines we need to draw to keep ourselves shielded from depression. This isn't a weakness, but it is most certainly an aspect of the work we do that needs to be addressed.

As you well know, just being hospitalized doesn't cure anybody of anything. As David pointed out, it's just a crisis-intervention...that applies whether we're removing a recalcitrant gallbladder or interceding to protect against emotions that have gone out of control. One is not that different from the other. Each indicates that something isn't working properly. We may be able to stop the emergent symptoms, but it takes awhile to really heal, eh?

I'm glad to hear you're getting professional help, and glad you're seeing someone often. During this time, as you know, it's important that you do so. This is the time when you can bring all the old hurts and fears out for examination and find better ways to cope with them than you might have used in the past. It isn't easy, luv. I know. However, it's well worth the effort. There is a brightness beyond the dark. Sometimes, if you try very hard, you can see just a gleam of it ahead of you. Keep trudging on toward that gleam. We'll be here to help and to reassure when you need us.

Feel free to contact me. We do have a bit of common ground.


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

I did neurology and neurosurgery for 13 years. ?Was doing orthopedics when I was medically boarded in July last year. Had done this about 6 years. ?I have been at home now for 7 months and know that this contributes to the way I feel about life. ?Some of what I feel comes from having to stop working..... but, I have had these suicidal tendencies from age 14. ?This is just part of who I am and how I think.

I realise that being in the psychiatric hosp. for 3 weeks was only crisis intervention and I realise how important my therapy sessions are. ?This is possibly what is making the slightest difference. ? It is very difficult to suddenly stop thinking a certain way. ?This pattern is almost like second nature and therefore is difficult to realise how I am feeling until I am in a very dark period. ?There have been times when I have been able to redirect my attention which has ultimately resulted in me not making an attempt...... I am just having more of a problem coping after being unsuccessful this time.

I have been smoking "pot" for a while which does seem to help me to cope more. ?I am able to relax once I have smoked. ?I am sure this is mainly why I have been resisting the urge to try again to end it.

Desiree


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## Daniel

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*



> It is very difficult to suddenly stop thinking a certain way.



Yes, which is why more emphasis sometimes needs to be placed on the behavior aspect of cognitive behavior therapy since it is usually easier to change one's behavior than one's thought patterns. 

Also, for me, novelty is the greatest enemy of despair. In other words:



> Depression is not simply the antagonist of happiness. Instead, despair might be caused by the loss of the brain's essential plasticity. A person's inability to change herself is what drags her down.
> 
> SEED Magazine, "The Revolution Is In Your Head," Feb/March 2006 issue, pg. 65



(According to the scientific magazine SEED, it is now being speculated that part of the reason that antidepressants and exercise help depression is because they help foster neurogenesis, the creation of new brain cells, which may help to increase the plasticity of the brain. At least in rats, exercise and antidepressants have each been shown to increase the production of new brain cells.)


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## Ashley-Kate

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

life is hard butbi s it really worth your life? i know i am only 17 and i kno wprobably a lot less than many but is it not possible that if your attemps were not successful.. it is not your time or that deep down there is part of you that is unsure ... death is never a way out in any case espaeciall with all the possiblities of help that are open to you.. stay strong i know it is hard to come back and face the world that you tried to escape but it is are world and with you in it it just makes it a bit more special... think positive even though it is hard sometimes the glass is half way full and not half empty.. hang on from a girl that looks up to you as someone that can make it
 :icon_flower: :icon_sunny: :hello:


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

Thanks everyone, I don't really know what to say.... I am a nurse, I am intelligent, I should know better!!!.  I am struggling at the moment but am holding out....  I have not been entirely open with you.
I was addicted to diet pills, coke & dope, I was busy detoxing after my failed attempt and I have screwed it up again.  I had been smoking dope again which was helping me to have the will to continue to live...... I have done a bit of coke..... I will tell my psychiatrist on Monday. Therapy has been helping a little... I think!. I am not feeling as "down" as I was.... probably due to therapy.... or possibly due to the drugs???  I just need some advice, direction, whatever.
Desiree


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## David Baxter PhD

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

Step 1 is to get off the coke and diet pills and stay off them. If you feel you absolutely must have something, at least confine it to pot - not that pot is good for you but at least it's less destructive than the other two.


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## ThatLady

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

"I'm a nurse! I should know better!" How many times have I heard those words? The truth is, nurse or not, you're a human being. Nurses can suffer just like anyone else, and we don't have to have all the answers. Not even them doctors have all of 'em, eh? 

No matter how much we know, we aren't always able to apply all that knowledge when it comes to our own suffering. Our suffering gets in the way of our thinking processes, at times. Sounds like that's what's happened to you, luv. Of course, you know the drugs are doing more harm than good; however, addiction has its own agenda. Once you're honest with your psychiatrist, giving him/her full knowledge of all the components of the problem, you can get help with the addiction part of it. Getting that under control will give you a better opportunity to address the rest of the issues you're trying to deal with.

I think we, as nurses, tend to feel ashamed and embarrassed that we can't be perfect. Well, we just can't, darn it! We're still just people, struggling like everyone else. As David said, if you can just get off the diet pills and the cocaine, that will eliminate two elements that are worsening the problem instead of making it better. The pot, while not good, is something you can deal with later, when you're stronger. Try to remember to give yourself the same amount of compassion and understanding that you would give to anyone with any kind of illness. That's something we, too often, fail to do.

Hugs to you, hon. You're going to make it, I'm sure. I know it wasn't easy to admit the drug use, and it won't be easy to share it with your psychiatrist; however, that's the step that will start you on the road to healing. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to face it. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done!


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

How can I pat myself on the back for a job well done when I have failed to stay "clean". I went through hell when I detoxed so, I am angry at myself for having wasted all that time.  I just don't think I can cope without having substances to help me......  I know that my psychiatrist is going to want me to go back to the psyc. hospital as an inpatient which I don't want to do.

I don't actually want to do much of anything exept to sleep and get high or else sit on my computer.  It is only today then tomorrow I will see my doctor....... hopefully she will be able to help me......   I am not sure how much longer I can hold on for.....

Desiree


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## ThatLady

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

Sometimes, a job well done is the admission to ourselves that we have a problem and setting in motion a plan to make things better, both within ourselves and without. You've done that. Give yourself credit for doing that. You'd give that credit to a patient in your care. Give it to yourself, as well.


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

God! do I know that I have a problem!!!. It is just how I deal with my problems that is a problem.......  I almost automatically respond in a destructive manner and to try to respond differently is what I am unable to do ...... I don't want to have to face failure so, I fail myself instead. I get hard on myself when I fail so, all the more reason to go to extremes, what I do, is I set out to sabotage my own efforts....... I know this but why ???. 
I know that being back on the drugs is a problem and I know I need to get off them. I will take responsibility for this and talk to my doctor tomorrow.

Desiree


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

my posts don't seem to be coming through
Desiree


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## David Baxter PhD

Desiree  said:
			
		

> my posts don't seem to be coming through



:?

What do you mean? This one and your previous posts "came through" okay...


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## Desiree

*Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!*

That one came through so... I sent one the other day saying I have just been discharged again. I went back to the psyc. hosp. to detox again, this time I had a five day sleep therapy programme and it worked quite well. I have been coping fairly well with the temptation to do a line.... I am trying to be less depressed...... Advice please.


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## David Baxter PhD

1. with the previous unsuccessful posts, what happened? did you get an error message at all? did the page seem to hang or time-out?

2. regarding the more important issue, do you have either relapse prevention services set up as a discharge plan and/or an AA or NA sponsor? I think you need to understand that Detox is not treatment and to anticipate that there will definitely be triggers and urges to relapse. Having a plan in place to resist and cope with these is essential.


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## Desiree

When I tried to post it, it gave a warning saying another post had come through... The post I sent just didn't appear later.
I don't have any sort of relapse prevention, my partner is trying to help me but it is difficult for me to reveal my depth of depression and also the craving I get... I am such an introvert that I would never be able to go into like a support group thing.... It would be so much easier if I could sleep for about 6 months or so....wake up and start again...
Desiree


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## Brenda

I have attempted suicide twice. The first time was in 1987 when I was first diagnosed with bi-polar manic depression. _<Admin edit: details deleted as potentially triggering>_ My parents committed me to the state hospital. My second attempt was last December. _<Admin edit: details deleted as potentially triggering>_ I lost my job and the people in the small town I live in found out all about it. I guess I don't let people's talking bother me. It is tough in a small town to keep a secret. There is the saying, "There isn't much to see in a small town, but what you hear will make up for it!"

After my second attempt, I went to the psych ward for a med change. I spent four days there and then returned home. It was tough at first to face my children and my parents. My mom said it would have been terrible if I would have succeeded. What would my children have done. They don't have a father that cares. My mom and are best friends. We call each other at least four times a day. She is the strongest lady I know. She has been through so much with me. 

Right now I have no suicidal thoughts. My life is going pretty good right now. But I know somewhere down the road, when something bad happens, I will crash again.

<Admin note: Brenda, please avoid posting specific details of suicide attempts, self-injury, or other descriptions that may be potentially triggering to other members.>


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## Desiree

I have been away for many months now. I have been in a detox facility and have come clean. I am off the coke, the dope and the diet pills. I have still had times of being extremely "down" and suicidal but have managed to avoid taking any drastic steps to end my life.
I think I mentioned before that I have multiple sclerosis and I have been having a tough time with mobility which has made my "down" periods a bit tougher to deal with. I am starting on interferons which will hopefully prevent me from having to have high doses of cortisone every three months which affects me quite badly.
I have picked up weight from all the cortisone which freaks me out as I have a distorted body image and am paranoid about weight so, it is taking it's toll on me mentally. I have been told that I am malnourished according to my blood results but, this does not stop me from wanting to starve myself to lose the weight I have picked up...... I am wondering whether body image problems ever just get resolved or is it something I will continue to let influence me for the rest of my life?
Desiree


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## ^^Phoenix^^

Everybody is different, but I do feel that changes in the way we think about things are possible.   They just take time.  Have you spoken about your concerns about your weight gain with your therapist?


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## ThatLady

It took a lot of courage to do what you've done, Desiree. Kicking habits like the ones you describe isn't easy. Kudos to you!

Body image conflicts can be dealt with through therapy. Your therapist can help you to see yourself through realistic eyes, instead of imposing impossible restraints upon yourself in order to reach some "goal" that isn't, perhaps, what's right for you as an individual.


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## Desiree

Thanks for the kind words I do appreciate that I have come a long way and in a way it does feel good to be clean although at times I do still so badly want to just escape from everything and get back into my world of being under the influence and ultimately not having to really think or feel very much. I do realise that at times the temptation will be strong and I just have to find a way to prevent myself from letting it get the better of me.
I was very tempted to start taking the diet pills again to help me lost the weight I have picked up from the cortisone. Instead I have just cut down my food even more and it does seem to be working a bit. I am losing weight again so, the cortisone is obviously starting to work out of my system. I have not discussed my weight with my therapist as she has tried very hard to get me to change my perception of my body and it has not worked as yet. I know she is already concerned about my malnutrition and I think I am just too scared to tell her that I am causing myself even more problems with regard to the malnutrition with the amount I am eating..... I only eat salad, which consists of lettuce, tomato, onion and a little chicken which I usually try not to eat but have to add it to my salad to keep my partner happy.
Is there any way I can change my body image without having to tell my therapist about how I am feeling?
Desiree


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## Halo

Desiree

I definitely can't answer your question (being that I am in the same boat minus telling my therapist how I feel) but I will be interested to hear other peoples responses to your question about changing body image.


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## ThatLady

You're going to need your therapist's help to deal with the issues of body image, Desiree. It's really not something one can do on one's own when it's come down to the point that you're actually starving yourself to maintain (or achieve) an unrealistic weight. You have to keep your body healthy; otherwise, you're asking for all kinds of grief down the road.

The best thing to do is to discuss it with your therapist honestly. Just tell her the truth of how you're feeling, including your fears with regard to discussing it with her. If you lay it all out there, she can better work with you to figure out a way to overcome the problems you're having. :hug:


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