# My friend 'Pain'



## Lonewolf (May 28, 2014)

I have lived with this friend on a daily basis! 
It's my only true companion! 
_ {triggering comment removed}_
She is the only one who has stayed with me through the toughest times in my life and no matter what I do, she won't leave me like everyone else has!! 
She has never given up on me like everyone else has! 
I know she's not good for me, infact she will possibly be the end of me!!
 At the end of the day, she has been the only thing I have been able to rely on!
My whole life i have been abandoned,  beaten, battered and abused so I got used to having her around! 
Not one person is my life is totally trust worthy!! In my experience, everybody will leave me on my own eventually!! 
Its inevitable!  
Pain will always be with me!!
I sincerely wish that she wasn't my long term friend because sometimes she really hurts me, but I never thought I'd be so alone! I didn't ask to meet her!! She found me!!
I feel like i will never have anyone to hold me when I fall apart,  when my heart breaks, when my memories haunt me!! 
People tell me memories and emotions won't kill me, but the pain will!!
 Eventually! 
I just want it to stop! 
Please, someone help take some of the pain away? 
Its killing me! 
:beaten:


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## MHealthJo (May 28, 2014)

*Re: my friend 'Pain'*

What is the best thing, do you think, LW, for the pain to ease...... if you could put into words what it is you need/want but don't have, how do you think you would describe what it is?


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## Lonewolf (May 28, 2014)

*Re: my friend 'Pain'*

Lol! If I knew that, I don't think I'd have such a problem as I do!! 
Thanks for talking to me!!


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## MHealthJo (May 28, 2014)

*Re: my friend 'Pain'*

Sorry if the question came across strange-sounding! 

I have a lot of interest in personality psychology... One of the personality psychology theories suggests fourteen main facets of personality exist, with fouteen major 'drives' or sort of needs/values. I wish I could remember where to read about it. I wonder what are the sort of main 'drives' or 'needs' that are currently unmet for you....


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## Lonewolf (May 28, 2014)

*Re: my friend 'Pain'*

Il be back tomorrow!


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## MHealthJo (May 29, 2014)

*Re: my friend 'Pain'*

Hi Lonewolf, 

I found some links that I think could be positive for you. Read through them when you can.... Keep letting things out here too anytime... 

(Also sorry if we do not exactly know what to say or how to help sometimes, or if there is not really much that we can say to help at times - but still know that it can be good and healthy to let the feelings out here. Good work.  Also, you can either do it on the actual forum or if you prefer you can also use the Blog section of the forum if you like. Whatever is preferable to you. But anytime if we can't think of what to say or anything, still know that it's good that you are expressing feelings in a healthy or safe way and it's good to do that, and we hear you.)


Here are the links that could be positive for you to read over bit by bit, and hopefully follow some of the processes, especially while you are still going through this really difficult time where you are still waiting on your health system for a therapist to be available to you:

How I recovered | Tackling BPD

Book reviews | Tackling BPD

bpdrecovery.com

Keep talking, and remember even if we can't think of how to help or how to change anything for you sometimes, we're still listening....


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## Lonewolf (May 30, 2014)

It's ok! Everything is numb!! Overwhelmed until it shut down. I am sorry if I have been rude to anyone,  its this anger thing that I don't do very well!! It occasionally takes over and spills out without me thinking about how it sounds!!
Thankyou all for constantly putting up with these moods, i appreciate it!! Most people leave me at this point!! When I need them more than ever!  I think I scare them away!!


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## Harebells (May 30, 2014)

Hi hon, I know being numb isn't great but I hope at least it's giving you a chance get a bit of rest from the extremes:moon: You really haven't been rude, not at all, don't worry. I hope you feel safe to come here and express your real feelings, it's so great that you're posting and reaching out, it helps others too, including me - to know we're not alone in this. I really wish you so much healing and peace xxx


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## MHealthJo (May 31, 2014)

Yes don't worry Lonewolf, no problems, just bear with us if we can't think of what's the best response straight away or something. Sometimes I'm about to write something and then I will think "Hmm, I wish I could actually help more or know what is needed a bit better or something..." But as long as you know we care and you can express yourself anytime and we're listening, even if we can't necessarily think of more to say sometimes than that, I guess that is still supportive knowing we are here, and eventually that can be its own factor in helping people along anyway.   x

---------- Post Merged at 01:45 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:41 AM ----------

(Oh, and you did articulate very well actually in another thread, saying how you were missing seeing some friendly or smiling faces. Always feel welcome to have a joke with us or post a funny pic or look through the funny animal pics threads or something, anytime  Not quite the same as seeing people..... but, sharing the same lol with people you know over the web can still feel sorta nice.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (May 31, 2014)

Hi LoneWolf...

Hope you are feeling better today.

Have you someone you can talk to you aside from the forum as well?  Do you have a therapist or counsellor?

If not, it's okay, you can still chat in the forum.  I have issues with anxiety, as well as other things.   People here are amazing, but my therapist is a big help, too.  

You are doing fine in this thread, you haven't been doing anything wrong.  Please come back and talk when you can.


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## Lonewolf (Jun 1, 2014)

No, unfortunately not!! I have a support worker and you guys to talk to!! It sucks!! mg:


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## Retired (Jun 1, 2014)

> I have a support worker and you guys to talk to!!.. It sucks!!



Lonewolf,

Can you see that this could be one of those glass half full or glass half empty situations?

From a positive perspective, you have two pretty good sources for support.... your support worker and us guys!  )O course I'm biased if I include _"us guys"_ among your resources.

Wouldn't you be worse off if you had no one at all?

Hope this might help you to modify your view of your situation.


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## MHealthJo (Jun 1, 2014)

Wondering whether the support worker is trained in teaching you skills of helping yourself, LW? Be sure to ask the support worker lots of questions and ask what resources could teach you the best new skills... Same goes for here, too - lots of knowledgeable people here with lots of life experience and skills learned from therapy. x


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## Lonewolf (Jun 2, 2014)

I really do appreciate you guys being here, all of you!! I also am lucky to have a support worker that I get on well with!! 
If I didn't have that, then I would be back to square one in this life!!! I have been there! When I said 'I only have you guys and a support worker' what I meant was the fact that I have no therapy, no psych doc, no CPN, no one to rely on in this life, my real life!! I had it and in one foul swoop it was all gone!! And im still finding it difficult! 
Maybe its because I don't deserve/ need it!!
I don't mean to sound ungrateful!


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## Retired (Jun 2, 2014)

> Maybe its because I don't deserve/ need it!!



It might help to be kinder to yourself, Lonewolf.

_Need it..._Yes

_Deserve it..._most certainly yes.


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## MHealthJo (Jun 2, 2014)

Yes yes...... Talk to yourself kindly LW; read books on that topic, and you will start getting more used to it, and you will feel less afraid and in pain....

 You will begin to have a reliable and good friend - you - and that can make it easier and easier to form and sustain positive and trustworthy connections with others, and to successfully navigate the bumps and difficulties of relating when they come.... and to manage the other kinds if losses that do come in life, which are not your fault.

It's true, it is awfully hard when something reliable changes. Very tough trying to tough it out. 

Hang in there LW. I do think you will get better and better at finding things and people who are supportive for you and being able to sustain positive relationships. You have made progress already. Keep going and keep doing what you feel comfortable with to develop friendships and connections here.


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## Lonewolf (Jul 13, 2014)

Needed more physical pain!! It's building up inside me again!! It's ok!! I needed to do it, I have managed to fight these incessant urges for a while,  but I gave in tonight! It's my punishment! I know I am regularly told its not my fault,  but I just can't accept it!! I can't believe it!! I don't think I will ever convince myself!! This guilt burns deep inside me, some times its just a glimmer of a flame and sometimes its a burning blaze!!! Tonight its bonfire night in my head!!!


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## MHealthJo (Jul 14, 2014)

It is great that you were able to go a long time without hurting yourself LW.


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## Lonewolf (Jul 15, 2014)

I saw a support worker today and was rushed to A+E  for treating the S/H!! I didn't honestly believe it required that although the Dr did!! I have to go to my Dr's again tomorrow to make sure its not too infected!!! They said I may need to be put on an antibiotic drip? 
It really shocked me that they felt it was worse than I thought?? What happened? Why doesn't it hurt anymore? The support worker told me it was the worst one she has ever seen [on me]!! I really don't agree, but is it my thinking distorted and is my judgement wrong or is it them over-reacting?? mg:


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## rdw (Jul 15, 2014)

I'm so happy to hear that the support worker and the doctor is taking care of you. Hopefully this is the beginning of receiving the help you deserve.


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## Lonewolf (Jul 23, 2014)

This emotional stuff is so much more painful than I could ever be prepared for!! Still no counselling!! It's all inside me! Slicing through me, little by little!! I must be the biggest, most pathetic wimp alive right now!! I just am not coping!! I have got to wait until Monday to see the Dr and this support worker, but it's only Wednesday!! The days seem endless and all I want to do is sleep it away!! I never thought that I was so weak, until now! I'm very disappointed with myself!! I can mutilate this body until it falls apart, but ask me to 'feel' something and it frightens me! It's like i'm 5 years old again!


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