# I need some SERIOUS Advice...



## Angel (Dec 20, 2004)

Hi.. I'm kinda new to all this so please excuse my hesitancy. I'm nervous about writing this into a forum.

Over my life, I've faced alot of issues. Many of them dealing with lacking in self-confidence, being bugged at school about having a learning disorder, Every guy I've dated dumping me for odd reasons, family being broken apart, and even the way that I look at life is somewhat questioned in my head. Let me explain what I mean by that....

My parents divorced when I was 7 months old. My dad lives in Vancouver with a lady that he's been with for 13 years and he still flirts with other women on and offline, while my mom has been my primary parent all my life. She's AWESOME... my role model. Although, I watch her suffer with medical conditions that I wish to god I could take away and let her be ok but I can't so it hurts both her and me. Majority of my family is down on the coast while I live in the interior, so alot of the time I feel alone, except for around my mom.

School was always hard for me. I was diagnosed with ADD in grade 9, so I was a medical guinea pig most of my school years. I was constantly bugged and bullied.. My school even wanted to drop me out so my mom and I had to fight tooth and nail to keep me in until grad. I tried going to college but even the courses I had to take in upgrading, I even failed so part of me questions to even go back. I want to.. man, do I ever but I just don't know how. 

Relationship-wise, well that's a different subject all-together. I've been though so much and I just wonder how I have the strength to keep going. I've been abused every way possible by men in my life, physcially in one relationship especially and it took me 3 years to finally get away.. But then 3 months to snap me out of depression and solitude and into the real world again.. But lately, I just question how anyone could ever feel romantically for me anymore.... I just was broken up with yet again, but Allen* and I are going to try and remain friends and maybe grow from there. 

Also, I will admit, lately for the past few months, I have had thoughts of running away or suicide.. time and time again, Allen* has to pin me down on the bed to stop me from running or overdosing.. But the thoughts keep coming.

As you can see, I really have a problem with self-confidence. Yeah I know, Alot of people tell me to RELAX but I never can, and I have a real hard time trying to get through day by day. I never know where to get the strength. I ask my friends, my family, and even Allen*, but even when they try and give me advice, it still feels like the answer isn't there. 

So I send this problem out to you.... hoping maybe you have the answers I'm looking for.. What should I do? I don't know where to even start looking for confidence and strength anymore.


** Boyfriend's name changed by request.


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## Daniel (Dec 20, 2004)

At the risk of being too obvious, have you already considered the most effective combination for depression--therapy with antidepressants?   Being able to analyze and ignore negative, self-defeating thinking is a skill we all need to develop, which is why most therapy sessions and self-help books address negative thinking in some way.

Related Links:
excerpts from The Feeling Good Handbook
Ten Days to Self-Esteem


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## David Baxter PhD (Dec 21, 2004)

Most Canadian colleges and universities these days have provisions for extra accomodation or assistance -- did you access those when you tried college?

Have you, as Daniel suggested, ever talked to your doctor or a counsellor/therapist? If not, would you consider it? I'm not sure what you mean by "the interior" of BC (I always sucked at geography) but there should be some resources there...


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## Angel (Dec 21, 2004)

Daniel said:
			
		

> At the risk of being too obvious, have you already considered the most effective combination for depression--therapy with antidepressants?   Being able to analyze and ignore negative, self-defeating thinking is a skill we all need to develop, which is why most therapy sessions and self-help books address negative thinking in some way.
> 
> Related Links:
> excerpts from The Feeling Good Handbook
> Ten Days to Self-Esteem


yeah I've tried going to counselling and being on prozac, epivale, and ritalin, which is what I mean by being a medical guinea pig. But I'm also reading the book "Life Makeovers" by Cheryl Richardson. It's the one book that snapped me back into reality when I walked out on my other relationship. I also have her other book "Take Time For Your Life". Ever heard of them?


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## Angel (Dec 21, 2004)

*Reply*



			
				David Baxter said:
			
		

> Most Canadian colleges and universities these days have provisions for extra accomodation or assistance -- did you access those when you tried college?
> 
> Have you, as Daniel suggested, ever talked to your doctor or a counsellor/therapist? If not, would you consider it? I'm not sure what you mean by "the interior" of BC (I always sucked at geography) but there should be some resources there...



Yeah. I was using those assistance when I was attending UCC but I still failed most of my courses.. It's really discouraging.  I've been trying to figure out if maybe it's just that I was going into the wrong field or something but I'm not sure. I was taking Tourism Management with my major Events and Conventions.


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## Daniel (Dec 21, 2004)

> yeah I've tried going to counselling and being on prozac, epivale, and ritalin, which is what I mean by being a medical guinea pig. But I'm also reading the book "Life Makeovers" by Cheryl Richardson. It's the one book that snapped me back into reality when I walked out on my other relationship. I also have her other book "Take Time For Your Life". Ever heard of them?



I haven't heard of those books, but I just read the introduction to "Take Time for Your Life" at Amazon.  My favorite part was the quote by George Lenoard: "48 perent of 4,126 male executives saw their lives as empty and meaningless despite years of professional striving."

Personally, if I was having a tough time like you are now, I would supplement self-help with a return to therapy since therapists are good at going over everything, finding things we miss or have problems solving, and creating a sense of order and calm.  

Also, as you probably know, there are a good number of new drugs and drug combinations that have come out in the last couple years, some of which are quite different/unique. Even new drugs in the same class as existing drugs are helpful.  For example, the SSRI Lexapro has helped people like my brother who did not benefit from taking the SSRI Prozac.


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## HA (Dec 21, 2004)

Hi Angel,

I would go with the counselling if I were you. That way you have some guidance for your future path. Thanks for posting that book title and author. Looks very interesting. I'm going to get it from the public library.

Good Luck &
Merry Christmas


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## Angel (Dec 22, 2004)

I appreciate the help you guys.. as you can probably tell by now, my life's a mess, and I have been considering counselling. I started going to an anixiety support group orientation that gives some info as to life skills and how to work well with others while in depression. It's in a short pause right now over the holidays but I think I only have a couple of weeks left in it.  I'm kinda thinking about getting a personal cousellor too.. but I'm not entirely sure. Whenever I've had them in the past, is when I've faced lots of bullying and teasing. So having that in my past, makes me anxious to attempt it again.


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## Angel (Jan 2, 2005)

My question is, How do you keep the strength to try and get out of depression when it seems like every time something great happens to bring you that much closer to being happy, another two things happen to make you feel worse?


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## ThatLady (Jan 2, 2005)

I look at life as a series of hills, with an occasional mountain. Climbing out of depression is darned difficult for anyone, but once you're out you can coast for awhile before there's another "hill" to be climbed. When you find the hills getting too close together, with the coasting (downhills) too short to give sufficient recovery time; or, when confronted with a mountain, that's the time to get some counselling help as an adjunct to any medications you might be taking. Two minds on a problem are always better than one mind trying to find its way alone.

The more hills you climb, the better you get at hill climbing and the easier it gets. Be proud of your accomplishments, and pat yourself on the back more often. As long as you're doing the work, hon, you're making progress.


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## HA (Jan 2, 2005)

Angel,

I think that when your life is throwing many things at you, that make it difficult for you to have a satisfying life, then that is time to consider medication and a therapist. It's what worked for me. Forcing yourself to see a therpaist will be the best way to get over your conditioned fear that therapist=bullying.

Recently, someone I know was very anxious about seeing a therapist. She took another friends advice and called 3 therapists and asked if she could have the first sesion free to see if there was a good fit. All three said yes. She had 2 woman and one man. She was not even going to go and try the man because she had decided she would prefer a woman. She did go to see the man and he ended up being the best fit for her and the difference in her well being is such a great thing to see. Her situation did not change but she learned better ways to deal with her situation.

I hope this helps, Angel.


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## Jon (Jan 3, 2005)

Angel, one truth that I have learned is that when things are worst and it seems that everything is being thrown at you, it is soon after that good things happen.  I guess life has it's own balance.  If you can hang on through the tough times, good things do happen.  

The fact that you have posted here tells me that you are hanging on and I commend you for that.  I think you are stronger and smarter than you realize.  I found that through school I did poorly in subjects that I really didn't have interest in and excelled at the ones that I was excited about.  Have you looked inside yourself to see what you really want to do with your life?  Take out a pen & paper and write down 15 things that you would want to accomplish in this life if time and money was not an issue.  Put some thought into it.  When you have your list, compare it to the direction you are going now.  I found that I was off track from where I wanted to be.  Now I am on the right track and life keeps getting better.


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## Angel (Jan 17, 2005)

I just hope you're right you guys.. cause lately I've been spending more time crying and breaking down than actually finding things that are good in my life. 

It hurts so badly that I just don't know what to hang on to. I try my hardest but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's enough.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 17, 2005)

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Do you have a therapist yet?


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## Jon (Jan 17, 2005)

Angel, I hope that you are able to see a therapist soon.  In the meantime, if you need to talk you have friends here.  

I know it is difficult when you are at the bottom, but try to be positive.  I wish that I could somehow let you see what I once went through and then show you where I am today.  Things do get better, you just have to hold on through the storm.  My mental health is so much better today and I am stronger because of what I went through.  I still have my share of problems, like the fact that I'm fighting shingles right now (I've been in a lot of pain the past few days), but I know it is temporary and I do have other great things happening like my fourth child who will be born next month.  Think about the important things that you have and hold on to those things during the storm.  We are with you, keep up the good work.


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## ThatLady (Jan 17, 2005)

Hang in there, Angel. There are people here who care about you, and will help you through the rough patches. When you start to feel badly, remember us and know we're here for you.


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## Angel (Jan 17, 2005)

*Hmmm*



			
				Jon said:
			
		

> Angel, I hope that you are able to see a therapist soon.  In the meantime, if you need to talk you have friends here.
> 
> I know it is difficult when you are at the bottom, but try to be positive.  I wish that I could somehow let you see what I once went through and then show you where I am today.  Things do get better, you just have to hold on through the storm.  My mental health is so much better today and I am stronger because of what I went through.  I still have my share of problems, like the fact that I'm fighting shingles right now (I've been in a lot of pain the past few days), but I know it is temporary and I do have other great things happening like my fourth child who will be born next month.  Think about the important things that you have and hold on to those things during the storm.  We are with you, keep up the good work.



It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. Lately, it's seems that most of my friends have been disappearing on me. Even my boyfriend. He's wanting to break up and I know when I move into my new place after staying with him (in-between places) it's going to be really hard. I know he will get too busy to spend time with me.. just like the rest of my friends offline. How do you keep focused on positive thinking?


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## Jon (Jan 17, 2005)

There are two things that I do to help me stay focused on the positive.  First, I have a hobby - aquariums.  I love aquariums and have a number of them.  They help to calm you and teach you at the same time.  I have started running a small aquarium shop out of my garage where I can teach others about them and share in their new found hobby.  Hobbies are great for helping you to focus.  Second, I share positive feelings with others.  Since I have overcome my depression & suicidal tendencies, I found that the great darkness within me has been going away the more that I help others.  When I can help someone else to find the path they need to be on and then see changes in their lives for good, it makes me feel even better.  I guess I have become a motivational coach for a number of friends both in person and online.  I honestly believe that the most amazing and strongest people you will ever meet are those who have really struggled and then come out of it as a survivor.


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## Angel (Jan 23, 2005)

*Things have gotten worse!*

OK things have gotten worse and it's really getting hard for me to hang on and actually thing positive.. 

Not only has my work fucked me over with my hours and cutting me down to an amount of hours that doesn't even leave me any money for food or transportation to and from work, but also, the cel that I need for work has now become a paperweight and also the company that has offered me a great deal on an upgrade to a phone that actually works, never told me that I have to pay an extra $100 on top of what I already agreed to. 

ERGH!!!!!!!!!! I can't do this anymore.... I'm so close to just saying fuck it and giving up!! I need help.. some serious help!!! I'm seriously scared.


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## Jon (Jan 23, 2005)

Angel, I'm sorry to hear that things are bad for you right now. Hang in there.  If things are so bad there, how difficult would it be to find another job?  Staying in a stressful environment isn't healthy, I know as I have had my share of nightmare jobs as a contractor.  The good news is that there is always something better if you can find it.

Have you tried looking for a different job yet?

We are here for you, so vent if you need to and we will get through the hard times and look for ways to improve your situation.


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## HA (Jan 23, 2005)

Angel,

You can get another job. Even if you take something that is minimum wage for now to get you through paying the bills. One job that pays well is the LCBO. You would have to work on call as people tend to stay in these jobs. Can you use pay as you go with your cell?

Hugs
HeartArt


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## Jon (Jan 24, 2005)

Angel, I just remembered a quote that I wanted to share by a writer named Anaïs Nin.

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” 

For me this happened over 10 years ago.  Everything that could go wrong was and I couldn't take it any more.  These were my darkest days and the times I struggled most.  Like the quote says, I was holding things in and not letting myself take the risk to blossom.  I felt as though I would explode.  Luckily for me, someone showed me how to escape, how to get myself to take the risk to blossom.  

It may be time for you to take the risk to blossom.  That may be saying it is time to find a new job or to make other changes in your life.  Change can be difficult for many of us, but we all have it in us to be successful at what really counts - discovering our hidden talents and all that we can become.  I have faith in you, I believe others here do as well.


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## Angel (Jan 24, 2005)

Jon said:
			
		

> Angel, I'm sorry to hear that things are bad for you right now. Hang in there.  If things are so bad there, how difficult would it be to find another job?  Staying in a stressful environment isn't healthy, I know as I have had my share of nightmare jobs as a contractor.  The good news is that there is always something better if you can find it.
> 
> Have you tried looking for a different job yet?
> 
> We are here for you, so vent if you need to and we will get through the hard times and look for ways to improve your situation.



Well I'm looking for another job right now.. But I live in Kamloops BC and I don't know if you know very much about there but jobs are hard to come by. 

I appreciate having someone I can talk to.. it's not that often I talk to anyone besides my mom and my (kindof, used-to-be) boyfriend. I know.. that's confusing too..


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## Jon (Jan 24, 2005)

> I appreciate having someone I can talk to.. it's not that often I talk to anyone besides my mom and my (kindof, used-to-be) boyfriend. I know.. that's confusing too..



I agree, it is always nice to have someone to talk to.  Sometimes simply talking about things helps us to clear our minds enough to see somewhat clearly again. 

I had to completely pick up & move away from where my troubles were. I don't know much about where you live.  I'm in Oregon now and the only traveling I have done is to Germany for a month when I was sixteen, and then to England and Wales for a few years just over a decade ago...(ouch, that makes me feel old.  Time goes by too fast sometimes.)

I guess I've recovered enough that I've learned to use some of the experiences I went through to help me motivate myself.  That may sound strange, but experience is a great teacher if we can humble ourselves enough to listen.  I'm proud of you and your efforts.


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