# Thought I Could Go Back to Work



## texasgirl (Oct 10, 2007)

I went to my doctor tonight and he still thinks it best for me to wait to go back to work.  I am better with the meds but at the same time can't concentrate and still have other problems.  I am so frustrated because I am afraid that I am not ever going back to work.  And I feel like such a loser, can't cope, can't handle it, all the labels...

but what's worse to me is that the longer I'm out the more scared I am to go back, that I will be overwhelmed and regress back to where I was.  I am lonely since most of what I do now is just mundane, but I can't really think straight a lot of the time so rest is helpful I guess.

This isn't the longest I have been on disability but it is getting there....

TG


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 10, 2007)

You have to be patient with yourself, TG. As my nurse keeps telling me, your job right now is to heal. Period. 

When you are ready to return, you'll return. 

Talk to your doctors when the time comes about a gradual return to work schedule so you're not jumping right back into the fire. And then get them to help you with balance and boundary setting so it doesn't become unmanageable again.

As I am learning, sometimes these things are nature's way of saying, "You're doing it wrong. You need to find a better balance between work and the rest of your life".


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## texasgirl (Oct 10, 2007)

I think you are right, David.  And I know it but I forget it until I try to do something even "little" compared to what I used to do on the job, and I can't even focus on the little things.  I know I am not ready and would likely get fired if I went back.  I have a lot of people who report to me and who would be very upset if I were not up to my job as their supervisor.  But you are also right about learning to do it a different way.  I think a lot of my breakdown had to do with my not being able to deal with my old abusive boss.  Now I have a good one, but still couldn't handle the job.  Maybe I need to reconsider whether a high stress job is possible for me, given my history and my propensity for psychotic depression.  The drugs, thank heavens, do work but they take so long.  Lamictal is new for me and the doctor hopes that combined with the other meds that it will help me to be more stable.

And I really and truly hope that your upcoming surgery goes well and that you are back to what keeps you going and happy.  Thank you for your advice and I will take it for sure.

TG

TG


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 10, 2007)

Thanks, TG. I'm still learning those lessons myself. We'll wish each other good luck along the way.


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## texasgirl (Oct 10, 2007)

You bet.  Thanks again, David.



TG


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## Daniel (Oct 11, 2007)

BTW, I always find exercise helps to balance things out, decrease stress,  and even reduce mundanity.  There's also the classic:

Walden - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## texasgirl (Oct 11, 2007)

Daniel, you are right.  I really do need to exercise and will try.  Thank you.

TG


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## texasgirl (Oct 16, 2007)

I am going to my doctor tomorrow and I hope that he will let me go back to work next week.  I am feeling better although I am not 100%.  I am scared that if I keep going on like this I will never be able to work again and I am forgetting everything.  I don't know what to say to him except that I would like to give it a try.  What do yall think?

TG


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 16, 2007)

If you do, I'd strongly advise you to go back part time only - maybe 2 half-days or 2 days per week maximum - and then build up gradually from there.


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## texasgirl (Oct 16, 2007)

I will talk to him about doing it that way, David.  I think he would be more amenable to gradually returning anyway.  Thank you for your help.  I will let yall know what he says....

TG


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## HA (Oct 16, 2007)

TG, I am wondering if your thoughts about considering a less stressful job would be an avenue for you to explore. 

I recall a workshop I attended that my employer provided for staff on stress management due to downsizing. One of the options was to consider moving laterally. Sometimes a change happens in our employment that is out of our control (especially nowadays) so thinking about how to go about getting work satisfaction while considering your career moves, does not always mean moving up or staying where we are currently at.

The article below points out all of the possibilities and opportunities that are available to us.

Career Growth and Advancement: Up is Not the Only Way

To help with your loneliness, can you meet with your coworkers who are friends for social times right now?


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

Heartart,

I changed jobs within the company I work for about 9 months ago because of the stress of a boss that I had and the work.  I took a lateral position but I think that you are right in that I need to consider a less stressful job.  We are moving to Texas very soon so that is also on my mind.  Thank you for the link too.  I have a hard time talking to people for very long so I am going to have to take it slowly like David said.  I am not really up to going anywhere with friends because I get confused when I talk for very long.  Thank you for your support Heartart, and I will think about everything.

Tg


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## HA (Oct 17, 2007)

TG,

The examples for the different career moves are just examples to be applied to your specific situation. Maybe one of the areas may work for you. For instance the example about consulting talks about a person working full-time then doing consulting on the weekends or evenings. Of course this is not going to work for your situation but maybe consulting might be an avenue that would work for you on a part-time basis with flexibility to increase and decrease your work load as you want to.

So, looking at the possibilities and knowing that there is more than one way to work and adapting those ways to fit your needs may open up possibilities so that you don't have a relapse because of your job and you get more job satisfaction.

Have short quick visits with friends and tell them that you can't talk long or much. Would that help?


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

I thought about consulting and at some point maybe I can but I need the insurance benefits from the company for me and my husband right now.  I am not allowed to drive yet but when I can I will visit with my friends (I have one friend right now).  I can talk on the phone and that's what I do for short times right now.  Thank you for your help Heartart :heart:

TG


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## HA (Oct 17, 2007)

Someone else, I think it was LadyLore, mentioned going to a coffee shop or somewhere where there are people can be helpful in decreasing feelings of loneliness.

Of course, you always have us for your virtual friends when you get too lonely.

:heart::grouphug::heart:


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## Halo (Oct 17, 2007)

Texasgirl,

I just wanted to say that I think that you are doing great and that I think you are taking a big step by trying to return to work    I do think like David in that maybe doing a gradual return to work or part time would be good in order to assess how that is going to be but again I do think that you are making great progress with even attempting to return and you should be really proud of yourself :clap:

Take care and good luck at the doctors today :heart::heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

Thanks yall very much.  I will let you know what he says.  I am nervous about going back but have to get on the horse again 

I wish I didn't have such a fuzzy head.  Maybe it will clear up over time.

:friends:

TG

Does anybody know what flight of ideas and derailment mean?  My doctor had this and other things under his observations on my disability papers and I don't know what it means. 

TG


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## HA (Oct 17, 2007)

texasgirl said:


> Does anybody know what flight of ideas and derailment mean?  My doctor had this and other things under his observations on my disability papers and I don't know what it means.
> 
> TG



From BehaveNet Clinical Capsule:

*Flight of ideas:* Like derailment, this form of disordered thought suggests leaps from idea to unrelated idea, but perhaps with greater number and rapidity.


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

Thank you.  This is helpful.  

:friends:

TG


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## ladylore (Oct 17, 2007)

Hey TG,

I agree with all the others - you are doing great. When I was reading your posts it reminded me of my experience when I moved out to BC. I was burned out from the social service jobs so I took on a tele-fundraising job for a year and a half. I thought it would be a low stress job as it was only talking to people on the phone and basically reading a script. 

Problem was it below my intellectual capabilities - I was bored silly within 6 months, no room for promotion and taking orders from people younger then me with no experience in the social service industry - the exact type of companies that hired us to fundraise. I became more depressed, addictions went sky high...on and on it went until I really couldn't take one more minute of that job.

So I guess what I am saying to you TG is that its a good thing to take the time to see what type of work will fit into your life now. The work you do really needs to fit into your lifestyle. Not the other way around.

The ironic thing of my experience is that I found out this year is that many HSP go the exact same route I took, in efforts to control their sensitivities and triggers. It did the exact opposite.

Anyways, if any of this helps - cool. And if it doesn't, thats ok too. 

Take care 

Ladylore:hug:


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

Thanks LadyLore,

And it does help for sure.  I used to be in Social Service and had a nervous breakdown then too.  I changed jobs and have had a long history of hospitalizations and ups and downs but keep trying to get back on the horse.  When we move to Texas I will most likely look for another job so that I don't have to travel all the time.  I don't do well living out of a hotel.  

My niece jumped out of the car to commit suicide one year ago today.  She was just here visiting and I think it was hard since she almost died and she has a lot of problems.  But she is doing better too.

Thanks yall for your help.  I will let yall know if the doctor approves.

:hug::hug:

TG


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

I am truthfully still very confused.  Disability called me a minute ago and told me that the doctor said that he wants me out until November 11.  I am sad about this because my thoughts are better. Except I am still confused and can't come up with words for things.  I don't know what to do except to accept what the doctors think is best.

And the doctor wants to wait until I am on a full dose of lamictal.

And the doctor said that my job requires too much high level responsibility and decision making so that he thinks that I am not ready yet.

I feel like such a loser.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2007)

texasgirl said:


> I have a hard time talking to people for very long so I am going to have to take it slowly like David said.  I am not really up to going anywhere with friends because I get confused when I talk for very long.





texasgirl said:


> I am not allowed to drive yet but when I can I will visit with my friends (I have one friend right now).  I can talk on the phone and that's what I do for short times right now.





texasgirl said:


> I wish I didn't have such a fuzzy head.  Maybe it will clear up over time.





texasgirl said:


> My niece jumped out of the car to commit suicide one year ago today.





texasgirl said:


> I am truthfully still very confused.  Disability called me a minute ago and told me that the doctor said that he wants me out until November 11.  I am sad about this because my thoughts are better. Except I am still confused and can't come up with words for things.  I don't know what to do except to accept what the doctors think is best.
> 
> And the doctor wants to wait until I am on a full dose of lamictal.
> 
> ...



Texasgirl, I really do understand how impatient you are to get back to work. It's not easy sitting at home when you are used to be busy and productive.

But:

First, you are not a loser. You are being treated for an illness and it's still early in your recovery. 

Second, I'll tell you again what my nurse keeps telling me: You already have a full time job right now and that job is recovering. Be patient with yourself and recognize that the job of recovery is a tough one - for anyone.

Third, read the parts of your posts that I have quoted here. You have a lot to deal with. If this were someone else instead of you, a friend or family member, what do you think you would say to that person? It seems clear to me that your doctor is correct. You still need more time at home to recover.

There's no shame in that. It's a hard position to be in, I know, but it's necessary.


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

I know, David.  I am just scared and sad.  Scared that I will lose my job and sad because this never seems to end...


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2007)

texasgirl said:


> I know, David.  I am just scared and sad.  Scared that I will lose my job and sad because this never seems to end...



In a sense, mental health issues don't ever end, since part of it is interwoven with your personality. That doesn't mean you cannot be successful at getting the symptoms under control.

Think of it as like diabetes or thyroid disease: Those are not conditions that are ever going to go away entgirely but many people do manage the symptoms well and live successful lives. The same is true of depression, anxiety disorders, and even schizophrenia.


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

I just got back from the doctor's office and he reiterated what they told me from Disability.  He said what you said David almost word for word and I thank you for that.  In any event, he said that it takes a long while to recover and that it is a real struggle and very tiring and that the brain takes time to heal.  He thinks that I am bipolar and that the lamictal will help but takes time to get in your system.  I agree David that I have to take the time as you said and focus on recovery.  Thank you.  :heart:

TG


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 17, 2007)

I am just passing along what people keep telling me. It's not easy being patient.


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## Into The Light (Oct 17, 2007)

i agree, tg, it takes a while to recover. i ended up off work myself and was told at the time it would take me 6 months to a year to be back to normal. i went back to work after 6 months but only part time, and i've gradually increased my hours since then. i can manage full-time now but i can tell i get worn out more easily than i used to.

even now i don't feel completely back to normal, for the most part i am, but i still have my moments of feeling a little depressed.

take it slow, and have faith that things do improve and get better. you will be able to go back to work when you've recovered from this.


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

I will try Ladybug.  I am sorry that you had to go through this too.  I just get impatient because my mind won't work.  It has been a struggle for sure and I am only able to write on here when I take my medicine.  I don't have that issue anymore - I take it as prescribed even though sometimes voices tell me differently....

I appreciate your support and thank you.

:hug:  TG


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## Into The Light (Oct 17, 2007)

you are indeed having a rough time, tg. i know it's terribly difficult but i also know that having support is what helped me get through it. i really don't know what i would have done without this forum. it would have been a much tougher road. i encourage you to post here when you feel the need, it will help. i am glad you are sticking to your medication despite the voices. continue to do that and things will get better.

one other thought, you may want to look at this time away from work as a good thing. at least you aren't getting overwhelmed and stressed out by your responsibilities right now, and you are off work on doctor's orders. you have actually been given the time to focus on your health, without distractions from work. this way work isn't taking away any precious energy that you need for yourself right now.


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## texasgirl (Oct 17, 2007)

Being off work is a blessing especially since many people don't get paid and I do.  I will take it easy which is really what I want to do right now, in fact I can't do much so it makes taking it easy easier if you know what I mean.  Thank you, Ladybug.  

:friends:

TG


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## HA (Oct 17, 2007)

TG, I'm glad that you are able to take care of yourself and let your brain heal without feeling negative towards yourself for doing it. Things will get better.

Here are some flowers to make you feel better. :flowers: Sorry the psychlinks flower shop was out of roses. :dimples:

Do you have any hobbies?


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## ThatLady (Oct 18, 2007)

TexasGirl, I really like the way you think!  You're not beating yourself up over all this, but are looking for real possibilities and ideas.  That's commendable, so give yourself a pat on the back!

If your doctor says it's okay, I think going back for just a couple of half-days, at first, might be a good idea.  That way, you can get your feet wet without drowning!  I also think Daniel's idea with regard to exercise is a good one.  Exercise can make a lot more difference than people realize.  A brisk walk in the morning is a good way to start out, and it doesn't require that you be around a lot of people. :hug:


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## texasgirl (Oct 18, 2007)

thank you for the flowers, Heartart.  I don't have any hobbies except reading and I can't read very much right now but that's ok.  Cooking is good and I do that sometimes.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 18, 2007)

ThatLady said:


> A brisk walk in the morning is a good way to start out



And by "morning", ThatLady of course means "noon".


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## texasgirl (Oct 18, 2007)

For sure, That Lady and David.  I stare for about 3 hours first on the porch.  Thanks yall.



TG


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## texasgirl (Oct 18, 2007)

I just got back from my therapist office.  In the past couple of months I have not been able to manage talking to him for more than 10 minutes or so because I can't focus and I am struggling with many things like believing I am being programmed and that someone has taken all my feelings away except that I started crying and yelling tonight that someone was pulling my brain with all this talking.    I think I am getting better but it's such a struggle.  I am obviously not ready to return to work but I want this to stop.It is literally living a nightmare.

TG


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## HA (Oct 18, 2007)

It will get better, TG. 

Besides cooking, what hobbies do you think you might like to try?

:grouphug:


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## texasgirl (Oct 18, 2007)

swimming when we go back home to texas.  I can't read right now even though I like to read.  Can't focus.


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## Halo (Oct 19, 2007)

Can you go swimming somewhere close to where you live now?  I know you said that you could when you move back to Texas but I was thinking of something more in the interim while you wait to move.  Swimming is great exercise and if you like it then I would definitely look into it being something that you could do now.  For me I also find swimming very relaxing which may help as well.

Like HeartArt asked: 



> what hobbies do you think you might like to try?



Is there anything else that you have thought about trying but just never had the time?  If so then maybe now is the time to try such activities.  You may find something that you really enjoy.

Take care :heart::heart:
:hug: :hug:


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## texasgirl (Oct 19, 2007)

There isn't a pool around here inside but I am trying to think of other things.  I used to be a lifeguard.  I am a good swimmer. But not as good as I used to be.  If my husband goes with me I can ride my bike.  I have a good bike but I am kind of off balance right now because of the medicines.  I will ask him this weekend.  If anybody has any good recipes maybe I will cook them.  I am a good cook.  I feel shaky about doing anything right now.


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## ladylore (Oct 19, 2007)

Hey TG,

Reading Nancy's and HeartArt's post got me thinking about hobbies - they can even be as fun as colouring, just for the heck of it. I found some mandala colouring pages on the web, printed them off and started colouring them in. Very relaxing.

Do you find hobbies such as colouring, doodling ralaxing? Anything else come to mind about hobbies of the playful sort?


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## texasgirl (Oct 19, 2007)

I like needlepoint but my hands are very shaky right now.  Maybe it would help if I tried it again to make them less shaky.  I am pretty good at it.  Coloring might be good. I have color books from my kids.  Might help my hands.

I like crocheting but forgot how to start it and need the yarn and needles.  The best thing that I cook is Cajun food especially gumbo.

I used to live outside of New Orleans and learned to cook Cajun food and dance to the music.


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