# Not sure what should be done



## runnerup (Sep 25, 2007)

okay, i found this forum because i'm pretty ,much lost and don't know where to go anymore.  i'll start from the very beginning of my story as it will all make sense, sorry if this turns out to be a book.  ever since i can remember, my dad was very abusive both physically and verbally to me.  he never was like this towards my sister or my mother.  when i was 10, sexual abuse from him started.  my parents divorced when i was 11 and all forms of the abuse continued.  i began to get heavily into drugs and drinking at that age and then started self mutilation.  

About 3 months before i turned 13, it looked like my parents were going to get back together, and honestly i was terrified of that.  my mom knew about the physical and verbal abuse, but not about the sexual.  i told her hoping that she wouldn't get back together with him, but i was told that i was a liar and it wasn't true.  after that stunning blow, i continued my destructive behavior to myself.  finally, i couldn't take living with my mom anymore if i felt that she wasn't going to protect me. i ended up running away and was picked up by the police for breaking curfew.  when i was taken home, i threatened to kill myself if they made me stay.  

I was then arrested and baker acted to a psychiatric hospital for 3 days.  i ended up spending a year and a half there.  when i got there, i talked to my therapist and confided in a nurse about the abuse and dcf (department of children and families) was called and an investigation was launched.  my father was put on a restraining order and was not allowed within 500 feet of me.  my therapist tended to make me feel uncomfortable talking to him and i honestly don't think that he believed me about the abuse.  he said that i was a compulsive liar.  my depression worsened, and my progress went horribly.  i was constantly on a suicide watch and one day, they had me in the padded room and i was wearing overalls.  i barricaded the door and tried to kill myself and almost succeded at it.  

After a couple more months of this, i finally decided that i just wasn't going to get the help that i needed and decided to play along saying that i was better.  they let me out and i had a serious panic attack.  i didn't really know what to do.  i managed to cope, the investigation between dcf and my father was still going on, yet my mother refused to enforce the restraining order.  this went on for another about 2 years and at this time i was 17.  at this point the verbal and sexual abuse had stopped, but the physical abuse was at it's prime.  i confided in my school nurse to again try to get some help, dcf was called again, and i didn't feel safe going home.  

I endd up running away from home for a week, was kicked out of my small town by the police and sent to go live with my mom 8 hours north.  the dcf investigation never went anywhere.  i called my case worker one day saying that my father was coming to visit my mother and that he is not allowed within 500 feet of me.  my social worker said that she could not do anything for me because i was in a different city and because my dad refused to take a polygraph test after he originally agreed to.  i was let down by the system once again.  

When i turned 18, i immediately joined the navy and got out of my situation hoping that things would change.  i did well for the first two years, until i was kicked out for being gay.  from there, things went from bad to worse.  i got into a really bad car accident, lost my job because of that accident and was jobless for 6 months living on welfare.  i finally got out of that rut and picked my life back up slowly but surely.  went through a bad break-up from my ex of almost 3 years and went back into another depression.  my ex new nothing of my abusive past.  

I moved back home with my mom to go to school, but found out that i couldn't afford it, because my parents could afford to send me, but refused.  so i continued to just keep on spiraling downward.  i then met my most recent ex and it looked like my life was turning for the better.  she was my everything.  it all felt perfect with her.  she was the first person that i opened up to about my abusive past, and i was terrified to let down those walls to let her in.  she was my best friend.  two months ago, she broke up with me. out of the blue with no warning.  i had just seen her for my birthday (she lived 6 hours north of me) and everything was better then great.  then a week later, she says that she couldn't do this anymore and proceeded to cut off all communication with me.  a week later, she begins talking to me and lets me know that she is dating someone new.  i was already devestated enough knowing that she was never going to tell me to my face why she broke up with me, she couldn't even break up with me to my face and knowing that after her telling me how much i still mean to her and how much she still cares about me that she is dating someone new.  like there was no mourning period for our relationship.  

I just went further into depression.  i would cry at the drop of a hat, stopped eating and barely functioned.  i would have stayed in bed and never left if i had the choice, but i didn't want to let anyone know how bad i was.  we already had a trip to seattle planned with friends before we broke up, so we still went through with that.  it turns out that she mentioned to a friend about my abusive past who in turn told her best friend.  i felt so betrayed and i had honestly not thought about suicide since before i went into the navy and all those thoughts, flashbacks and feelings came rushing back in an instant.  we all left seattle.  i haven't seen or talked to her since then and yesterday, we were supposed to go to a concert together with friends and her new gf in alabama, but i found out from my friend that she wasn't coming and i'm assuming because of me.  she will however be at the concert that i am going to tonight.  

Lately, i have been trying to get out of my depression but it hasn't really been going to well.  i still barely eat and i only function enough to go to work and that's it.  recently my mom has started to feel guilty about not doing anything about the abuse and that i blame her for it continuing.  but she doesn't feel guilty about the abuse, she feels guilty about not feeling guilty and has started to try and buy my love back.  i don't want these things, but i feel horrible if i don't take these things that she gives me.  

I know most people that know my situation with my exgf think i should just cut her out of my life, but i just can't do that.  i want to protect her, because she has her own problems, alcoholism and drug abuse.  i want to protect her because no one was there to protect me.  i have probably made no sense through this and i'm sorry about the novel, i just needed to get this all out.  i'm so afraid of opening up to people anymore, because i don't want something like this happening to me again.  i'm afraid to go to a therapist because of the bad past i have had with them.  i just don't know what to do anymore and don't know where to turn.  i just want a normal life. if there even is such a thing as one.


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## ladylore (Sep 25, 2007)

*Re: not sure what should be done*

First Runnerup let me officially :welcome2: you to Psychlinks. 

I am glad you found us. I can relate to a number of things from your post. The main two having addiction issues (I am now in recovery) and being cautious of people. I really do get it.

Last year, for the first time I found a fantastic therapist who has helped me a great deal to deal with both my addiction and past abuse. There is are sections on the forum about finding an therapist - and it is a personal choice.

I would suggest that you grab yourself a coffee/tea and sit back, relax and go through the forum and read the sections that stand out for you - maybe respond to one or two if you would like. 

One thing that I have read throughout your post is that you do have boundaries and that is a great thing indeed. Just remember this is all a process, so easy does it and its one step at a time.

Ladylore


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## HA (Sep 25, 2007)

*Re: not sure what should be done*

Welcome to psychlinks, runnerup. :welcome2:

You have had some very hard times in your life. I'm thinking that seeing another therapist is the only way for you to get all of the past mess untangled but more importantly to give you some coping strategies for living right now.

If you do some research then the chances of finding a good fit with a therapist for you is much greater. If the person does not feel right then keep looking until you find one that feels comfortable. Below is a post from the Therapy and Therapists section here which outlines how to find a good therapist. Read other sticky's and posts in that section and you will be well prepared to start your search.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=3696

:grouphug:


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## Halo (Sep 25, 2007)

*Re: not sure what should be done*

Hey Runnerup I first want to say welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I can definitely relate to some of what you wrote in your post and I think what others have posted really makes sense.  Seeing a therapist to help you out with your depression and your recent breakup would probably help you a great deal.  I know you said that you are hesitant to seek help from a therapist, I can tell you that I too was hesitant at opening myself up but when you find the right fit it will feel right.

I hope that you can find the strength to keep posting here as we are always great listeners and great support and you can take some time to read the Therapy and Therapists thread here on Psychlinks which I think may help.

Take care


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## Into The Light (Sep 25, 2007)

*Re: not sure what should be done*

welcome runnerup, i am glad you've posted your story here as it's a step forward for you. at the very least you got some things off your chest and this is a good place for that.

i too can only repeat what others have said already, a therapist is what would be most helpful to you right now, but i do understand that your past experiences make you hesitant. it does take some research and effort to find the right person with whom you feel comfortable. a number of the members here have had more than one therapist and we all agree that the fit is extremely important. if you do not feel at ease for whatever reason then it's basically not going to be as helpful. it is well worth the research to find someone who feels right to you to start to deal with your problems.

you've been through an incredible amount of stuff, and i see your post today as your first step towards healing.


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## bbjjre (Sep 27, 2007)

*Re: not sure what should be done*

I have to agree with all the posts... Finding the right therapist is the key. I have  had many of the same problems as you and I have just started therapy to deal with it (I am 30) and it is already making a big difference in my life.

I wish you all the best, it's so hard to deal with this stuff but in the end it's worth it!


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## runnerup (Sep 28, 2007)

i'm just so not sure about talking to a therapist about this.  it's not hard for me to open up to people i don't know, will never see, know nothing about me, etc.  i know the internet isn't as anonymous as it claims to be, but this feels anonymous to me, so i can open up about these things.  

i feel that i suffer a bit from social anxiety disorder as well, which is a big reason i don't like to open up to people i know.  i always feel that people are talking about me in bad ways or they have some sort of plot against me to screw me over and when they hear about my messed up past (not that anyone has been told except for my ex) like i'm some sort of damaged goods and or/just plain crazy.  i mean posting this on the internet does bother me a bit but it's not as bad as telling someone i know, if that really makes any sense.

oh and i'm 24, so i've been 'abuse free' for a good 6 years now.  i wonder though, for people who have been through abuse when they are younger, do they ever stop getting themselves into abusive relationships?  that's what i tend to do, but i never see the abuse until after i am out of the relationship.  i have only been in verbally abusive relationships thankfully, well, it's not really a thankful thing, but it's the lesser of the three evils in my opinion.  i guess my last ex was the first person that was actually abusing herself with the drugs and alcohol that all i want to do is protect her, but i know i shouldn't i just can't stop myself, you know?


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## Halo (Sep 28, 2007)

Runnerup,

I think most of us can relate to being afraid to open up to a therapist about ourselves especially when we are so use to keeping everything inside.  I know for myself that it took a while before I felt comfortable and safe with my therapist to begin to reveal the important and very painful stuff from my past and I think any good therapist knows that.  They are not going to expect you to dive into your past right off the bat.  You are running the show and will only be able to do that when and if you become comfortable.

Yes it may be easier for you to open up to us here on the internet and we are happy that you are reaching out to someone but remember that we are not trained professionals who can really help you get to the root of the issues especially the one that you ask about as to why you keep choosing relationships that are abusive.  Questions or issues like that require deeper investigation and I think need to be addressed with a therapist.

Again finding a therapist that you have a great fit with is the first step.  Once you have done that then I am confident that slowly, at your own pace, you will begin to open up about about yourself....it is all in the timing and how you feel but it can happen and when it does you will be so surprised and happy that you gave it a shot.

Take care


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## Into The Light (Sep 28, 2007)

runnerup said:


> i'm just so not sure about talking to a therapist about this.  it's not hard for me to open up to people i don't know, will never see, know nothing about me, etc.  i know the internet isn't as anonymous as it claims to be, but this feels anonymous to me, so i can open up about these things.


well, the first time you meet with a therapist they're pretty much a stranger to you as well. i know it's not the same thing as being on the internet and that you would be facing a real human being when you meet a therapist, however, the therapist is bound by confidentiality. legally the therapist cannot divulge any of your information with the exception of a couple of rules. these rules are either you are in immediate danger of harming yourself or others, children are in a dangerous situation, or there is a special court order should a judge require information from your file. other than that, not a word can be shared with anyone. (these are the canadian rules, not sure where you are located, but it's probably similar)

also, halo brings up a good point that you don't dive into the deeper issues right away. it takes a certain number of "get to you know you a bit" sessions, testing the waters, figuring out if the therapist is right for you or not, and basically just giving information on why you are there - it doesn't have to be deep. you'll automatically start to share a little more as time goes by if you feel you can trust him or her.



> i feel that i suffer a bit from social anxiety disorder as well, which is a big reason i don't like to open up to people i know.  i always feel that people are talking about me in bad ways or they have some sort of plot against me to screw me over and when they hear about my messed up past (not that anyone has been told except for my ex) like i'm some sort of damaged goods and or/just plain crazy.  i mean posting this on the internet does bother me a bit but it's not as bad as telling someone i know, if that really makes any sense.


it makes sense, it feels a bit safer here, it's not like any of us reading your posts are going to be able to tell everyone you know the things you write about.



> oh and i'm 24, so i've been 'abuse free' for a good 6 years now.  i wonder though, for people who have been through abuse when they are younger, do they ever stop getting themselves into abusive relationships?  that's what i tend to do, but i never see the abuse until after i am out of the relationship.  i have only been in verbally abusive relationships thankfully, well, it's not really a thankful thing, but it's the lesser of the three evils in my opinion.  i guess my last ex was the first person that was actually abusing herself with the drugs and alcohol that all i want to do is protect her, but i know i shouldn't i just can't stop myself, you know?



i suspect that you can only really prevent yourself from getting into other abusive relationships if you first deal with your past and heal from it. however, as halo put it, we aren't professionals so that indeed would be a very good question to try and answer with a therapist.


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