# Anniversary of a hard event



## Cat Dancer (Dec 18, 2004)

I'm not sure if I actually have PTSD, but the two year anniversary of something very hard is coming up and I just don't know how to face it. It's about a month away and I feel extremely panicky and weak and afraid. Is this normal and how long does PTSD last?

And will the medication (Lexapro) I'm taking eventually help this?


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## Daniel (Dec 18, 2004)

Yes, SSRIs like Lexapro can help PTSD symptoms.  Of course, PTSD is a form of anxiety, so any treatment that helps one's anxiety would be helpful, especially therapy or self-help that helps one fully address and desensitize recurring memories.  PTSD symptoms can be acute or chronic.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 16, 2005)

Well, tomorrow is THE day and I feel kind of nervous about it. I've been doing a lot of thinking about why what happened did happen. I just want to see things more clearly, but sometimes I wonder if thinking about it and trying to figure it out is really helpful? I trusted someone who lied to me, who hurt me and I'm trying to understand how I can prevent things like this from happening to me again.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 16, 2005)

I'm not sure that thinking about it is necessarily going to make it worse but realistically my guess is that you are going to be thinking about it whether you want to or not.

It's a complex issue in some ways: You were betrayed by someone who took your trust and exploited it (and this isn't the first time this has happened to you). Under such circumstances, I think it is natural to become a bit more cautious and distrustful as a way of protecting yourself in the future, and that's certainly not a bad thing, as long as it doesn't become a barrier to trusting anyone at all. It's also important to remember that this is not a "flaw" in you -- it's a flaw in the person who betrayed you.


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## ThatLady (Jan 16, 2005)

Maybe you could plan something for yourself to do for the day, Janet. Maybe a craft, or a game, or something fun. Just something to keep your mind occupied with other than ruminating over a past hurt. That's not to say that thoughts of this incident won't surface, but if you're busy they're less likely to be able to take over your mind and bring you down. )


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## Cherry (Jan 16, 2005)

*Hard Event*

Hi Janet!

Me again, I hope am not bugging you too much.

I have just finished reading your posts in the Family Abuse section.

How tragic that your husband is such a loser.  I sure hope to hear that one day soon you will leave in and he will become your Loser Ex Husband.

I can not believe that anybody could treat such an intellegent, kind, caring, creative, helpful individual like you in such a controlling, abusive manner.

My grandmother also was  very emotionally, mentally, physically abusive to me as well.  She had the ultimate power of control over me and even though she has been dead 9 years, she still has control over me and the way I perceive myself.

I was told that I would never amount to anything if I didn't . . ., I was a slut because I liked boys when I was 14, I was stupid, etc., etc., etc.

I forget how old I was when I realized she did not have eyes in the back of her head.  When I was being naughty (almost all of the time) I would be given the strap (a knife sharpening leather strop) and would have to sit on a chair in the kitchen.  She would be at the kitchen counter doing something kitcheny, but would still be able to see me making faces behind her back, or fidgeting or something.  I finally figured out that what she would be doing was watching my reflection on a mirror that was placed in a convenient location.  She of course controlled this situation by telling me she had eyes in the back of her head and she could see everything.  

Of course I thought all of this type of abuse was normal and everybody got strapped until they were bruised, and believed everything she said to me.

Please, please, please make the right desicion to ditch that loser so you can get on having a happy life for yourself - you more than deserve it.


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## Cherry (Jan 16, 2005)

Oops!  Sorry Janet, I forgot to tell you I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.  Maybe you could go out and shoot some more of your beautiful photos!


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 16, 2005)

I am going to try to stay busy. I'm going to make a list of a bunch of stuff I need to do. I thought about just getting something alcoholic and drinking away the day, but I don't drink so I'm not sure what that would do to me. 

I don't know why I always seem to trust the wrong people. There are people who could tell me just anything and I would believe them. 

Cherry, you are not bugging me at all! I am so sorry your grandmother was so cruel. That is so bizarre about the mirror. How mean of her to do that. A grandmother should just love you and treat you with love. 

I had a grandmother who was similar in that she thought I was going to always be bad. I always wondered if she was abused as a child and she just wanted to protect me. She told my mom not to even let us wear shorts and jewelry and makeup. And if you ate certain foods you were bad. And I still struggle with this stuff. It's sad how these things affect us even after the people are gone. 

And the thing about my husband is that he is SO nice to me sometimes. I'm always trying to figure out what I did to make him angry or trying to guess ahead what I might do. I want to figure it out so that he'll be nice to me ALL the time or most of the time. Sometimes I wish he would leave and then I'm sure I would go running after him like a little puppy dog 'cause maybe he is the only one who could ever love me. I think this MIGHT not be true but I can't be sure. If that makes any sense.

I hope I can deal with these things in time and figure things out. I just don't understand him at all. 

The weird thing about what happened two years ago is that I can't remember what happened before or after, but the THING itself is burned into my brain. I can't forget it, or gloss it over or make sense of it and it affected me physically for several days. I don't remember how I got through it last year. Right now I feel really disconnected from it. I know I'll get through tomorrow. I'll think about it and it will be hard, but I'll get through it somehow. I will not hurt myself, that I vow. 

Cherry, I hope there will be a pretty sunset. That would help. Maybe I can take a picture of the lacy trees against the sky or something. Or my dog if she'll be still. Or maybe I'll set a timer and take pictures of myself to prove to me that I survived. Maybe my cats won't give me the evil eye long enough for me to take pictures of them. Maybe I'll cry? I don't know. Maybe I'll get the good china out and eat off of it by myself. Maybe I could wear something pretty. I'm hoping I'll have a key to one of the cars after my husband leaves out of town for work so maybe I could go out or something. Or maybe that would be too scary. I could bake some cookies. That would be fun. 

I just hope I can stop thinking about what I could have/should have done. I can't change it no matter what.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jan 16, 2005)

I will ask you this, Janet: Find something beautiful or wonderful tomorrow and take a picture of it. Make the day be beautiful. Make something in the day be beautiful. If you can do that, you will have beaten him. You will have beaten the person who did this to you. And you will have proved that he cannot take away the beauty from your life and that no one else can take that away either.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 17, 2005)

I will do that. I already took some pictures and I'm going to take some more. I am still here in the world and I am ok. I'm really fighting those "how did I get myself into this mess" thoughts, but sometimes there just aren't any answers I guess. 

And I'm organizing my cds which are in a horrendous mess. Ugh. How did I let that happen? That will take all day.


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## Cherry (Jan 17, 2005)

Hi Janet!

I'm glad to see you are having a good day today.  I'd love to see your new photos!

I will look in my gardening books today for plants & floweres that attract butterflies.  I will not be able to get names for you until later this evening, as I am at work right now, and have basketball practice today after school.


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## Cat Dancer (Feb 7, 2005)

I wish I could figure out how to separate myself from this THING that happened. It's like somehow it is eating away my insides and it has changed who I could ever be. I can't explain it. It's somehow become ME. I am this THING. It is me.


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## cm (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi janetr,
I think this would be an issue to go and talk to a professional about, if you can. It looks like you've acknowledged an issue and are beginning to explore it now.  I thinks that's a courageous step and an inspiration to others.
cm


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 10, 2005)

So I was out in the "real world" today and I saw this car, blazer actually, that was the same type of car associated with the person who hurt me. I just burst into tears and started shaking. I feel like I'm just losing it sometimes. I know I need help, but there must be some way to deal with this stuff in the meantime.


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## Cherry (Mar 10, 2005)

*Re:Blazer*

Hi Janet!

I don't know what or who it was that hurt you so badly, but I can ony use my overactive imagination.

The thing is, that you did not deserve at all whatever it was that happened.  I know this from reading your posts and corresponding with you in private messages.  I would suspect that it has something to do with being a woman and being used in an unbecoming way.

Again I urge you to seek counselling services of some kind.  Is there not a crisis intervention number that you could call?  I know it is difficult regarding transportation.  

You are such a delightful person to talk to.  You are very creative and artistic.  You have such a wonderful insight of other people, yet can't seem to see these intrisic values in yourself.  Janet, you are a very caring and nurturing person.

To my way of thinking (which may not be right, but it is my way of thinking) you need to evaluate certain injustices in your in you life.  Write down a list.  Put away the list for a while.

Concentrate on the things that you find positive about yourself, ie, "big one" Mentor on this site, great photographer, creative, artistic, etc. etc.

You really need to become more independent from your husband, and this can become real by your taking again "baby steps" towards that goal.  Take one tiny step at a time.

This can involve something as simple as making a new friend, looking for work, reading a book regarding something that you yourself enjoys, or joining a club that supports something that you are interested in.

Anyways bye for now Janet - you know I think you can do it!


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## Daniel (Mar 10, 2005)

> I'm just losing it sometimes.



I call these "Beam me up, Scotty" moments.


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## Angie611 (Mar 11, 2005)

Hi Janet, I'm very new here so I know very little of what's going on.

I made a post in the quote section and one of the quotes was "Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go."

I realize that even though your desire might be to not hold onto this particular person/hurt, you do.  You can simply let go.  (I know it's easy for me to say, but you can).  If you focus on just letting go, you might be able to do it.

Have you mourned the loss of the relationship or person or the feelings that you have?  Have you sat down and really let yourself feel the feelings?  It could be cleansing, and could provide a closure of sorts.  

I once heard something about writing down whatever happened in as great of detail as you can, sitting with it, feeling it, and then get a fireproof container and burn the paper.  I actually have never tried it myself but maybe it might be worth considering, it might help.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm trying to let go. I really am. 

I just want to know WHY someone would hate me so much? I must be horrible.


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 16, 2005)

He is the one who is hateful, janet.


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## ThatLady (Mar 16, 2005)

Dr. Baxter is right, Janet. The one who is "broken" is not the one who is hated, but the one who hates.


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## Cat Dancer (Jun 7, 2005)

I'm very worried about something. I have been having these thoughts of something bad happening to this man. Not to him physically or anything that would be harmful to him, but something like his car getting stolen, or his house being broken into, or losing his job. I want something like this to happen in those moments that these thoughts come. And I know it's horrible and then I feel SO guilty. And what if something like this does happen? It would be my fault because I thought it. I believe that anyway. And the guilt makes me feel like hurting myself and it's this never ending cycle. I just feel so bad. It hurts so much. I don't know how , at these moments, to get relief from this. I know I need help. I just can't get help right now. I am a horrible person. I know that.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jun 8, 2005)

No, it wouldn't be your fault just because you thought it. And the fact that you are having these thoughts is normal. This man assaulted you. And you feel helpless and powerless to do anything about it... even to tell other people about it. To wish that he would feel even a small percentage of the distress you have felt over the past year and a half or so is very normal.

You're not a horrible person for feeling this way. You are just a human being.

The horrible person is the person who assaulted you... not the person who was assaulted.


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## ThatLady (Jun 9, 2005)

You're not a horrible person, janet. You're a normal person feeling what anyone would feel if they'd been assaulted by some jerk. I'd wish terrible things on him, too. The thing to realize is that we can't wish things into being. Our wishes for bad things to befall those who have wronged us cannot cause those things to happen. They serve simply to give us a little relief from the anger we feel.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 27, 2006)

I just found out I'm going to be seeing this person in May. I don't know if there is any way out of it. I should be over this, but I am not. I feel like this just happened, numb and sick to my stomach. I wanted to hurt myself, but I didn't so that is a good thing that I didn't. Sometimes it's so hard to face this.


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## ThatLady (Mar 27, 2006)

Why do you have to see this person at all, Janet? If this person wronged you, you have a right never to have to lay eyes on him/her again.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 27, 2006)

I think maybe I've avoided it for too long? It's a get together and with the baby I don't see any way around it. but maybe it's time to face all this? I don't know. I think I have no sense of what is appropriate or ok. Plus I don't have the energy to say no anymore.


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## ThatLady (Mar 27, 2006)

Sweetie, if you don't want to see someone, you have every right not to see that person. It's not inappropriate to refuse to have any dealings with someone who has mistreated you. In fact, it should be expected. It's your right as a human being, luv.


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## just mary (Mar 28, 2006)

Hi Janet,

ThatLady has a very good point, "It's your right as a human being".? I don't know all the specifics but from what I've read I believe you can say no to meeting this person.? It's so easy for me to say, I know.? I'm just not sure what else to say, other than I'm thinking of you and I wish I could help and please keep talking on this forum.? You're such a kind, compassionate and strong indivdual Janet.? Thanks for being there.

Take care.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 28, 2006)

Thanks. Both of you. Your words mean so much. 

I have a couple of months to try to find some way out of this. I feel childish, but I cannot bear the thought of ever seeing him again. I hate having this hanging over me.


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## foghlaim (Mar 28, 2006)

> Plus I don't have the energy to say no anymore.



Janet: when you feel like you have no energy left to say no , then can i suggest you take some of ours.? Draw on the ppl here for the strength to be able to stand strong and say\do what you know is the right thing for you in this situation.? ?

You may feel\think you have to meet this person, But in fact you don't have to.? ?

thinking of you.


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## Cat Dancer (Mar 28, 2006)

thank you


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 16, 2007)

I think this awful thing that happened to me has less of a hold on me than it did last year. I think I'm a little stronger than I was and a little more able to see that what was done to me was not my fault. It was DONE *to* me. It was hurtful and horrible and terrifying and *maybe* (although I struggle with this) I didn't deserve it. 

Maybe?


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## Into The Light (Jan 16, 2007)

you are right, janet, it was done TO you. i am glad you are starting to see that. i am also glad that you are starting to think that maybe you didn't deserve it. all of us here know for a fact you didn't deserve it. no person in this world deserves to go through what happened to you. the fact that you are seeing this as a maybe, even though you struggle with it, is a step forward. some day in your mind that 'maybe' will become a 'i did not deserve it'  - that 'maybe' will be gone.


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## foghlaim (Jan 16, 2007)

I agree with everything ladybug has said Janet.. You are moving forward and you are so right in your thinking that you are a stronger person than you were a year ago.   Your post above proves that point!! to me anyway 

It makes me want to hug you to bits!!   I'm so proud of you for getting this far.  I think you are turning an important corner in you're line of thinking, keep going and get round that corner!   and like Ladybug said.. one of these days  that "maybe", (that doubt) will be gone. 



:hug:


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 16, 2007)

I think I am stronger. I think it comes so slowly though. The strength, the insight, the healing. 

Tonight is hard. The weather is the same as it was the night BEFORE. There's always the before. If I had only known I would have done things so differently. But I had no idea. It was a devastating thing. But I guess I'm still here, trying to put some kind of life together.


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## ThatLady (Jan 17, 2007)

There's no way you could possibly deserve to have something harmful done TO you, Janet. There's no excuse for mistreating people. It's never right, and it's never deserved. :hug:

You're really making progress. Yes, it's slow, but it does come. With each step forward the road to wellness becomes shorter. That's a very positive thing, when you can see it.


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## Halo (Jan 17, 2007)

ThatLady said:


> There's no way you could possibly deserve to have something harmful done TO you, Janet. There's no excuse for mistreating people. It's never right, and it's never deserved. :hug:



TL, not only did Janet need to hear this but I did as well.  Thank you :hug:


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## kimbercare (Jan 23, 2007)

I don't know you Janet..but hugs and I hope today is full of wonderful things to take pictures of.
 Is it snowing where you live? I love snowy pictures. I love the black and white effect of pictures of people. Do you scrapbook?


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 23, 2007)

Hi, Kimbercare.  

Thank you for your kind words.  It is snowing here today. I have started doing some scrapbooking. I would like to taking healing pictures and use healing words.  I want to get over the past. So much.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 17, 2008)

Wow. I'm still here. Hard to believe.


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## moonriver (Jan 17, 2008)

It doesnt seem hard for me to believe you are still here Janet, you wrote me such a nice post the other day and you seem like such a truly kind and sincere person. You totally should be here, you deserve happiness and so many good things. I hope you are ok and that you see that you deserve all the best. I am truly sorry for your suffering, I hope you have an easier road ahead.


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## ladylore (Jan 18, 2008)

Janet said:


> Wow. I'm still here. Hard to believe.



And I for one am glad you are.


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## Auburn (Jan 26, 2008)

Dearest Janet;

You have all my sympathy and any extra strength and love I can send you.  I do understand those feelings all too well.  I so wish I could say that it gets easier soon, but that would be untrue.  Some aspects get easier, but the actual day is always very hard.  I am hoping that over time, maybe it will fade to a dull shade.  It won't ever be gone, but at least manageable.
Just know, we are all here, and thinking about you and sending you tons of love. Always.  ❤️❤️


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 26, 2008)

Thanks, everybody. I got through the day ok and the aftermath, but it was still hard. It was a day that honestly changed my life forever.


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## Auburn (Jan 26, 2008)

Janet, you made it through hun, and you should be proud.  It may have changed your life, but you are still living your life, that is what counts.  I can say, it has been three years since our "event".  It is still numbing, but taking each moment, each hour, each day one at a time and acknowledging your feelings will get you through.
Much love hun!


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 15, 2010)

Dealing with this again and, I don't know, for some reason it's really hurting more this year. But life goes on and I'll get through it. It just really feels bad right now.


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## Jazzey (Jan 16, 2010)

:hug:  Keep looking forward CD.  That's how you can win out on the situation.  

This is a tough topic for me right now, for personal reasons.  But, I'll be damned if he gets anything out of me.  Keep looking forward, ok. :hug:  He isn't worth any of the grief...not one iota.


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## Andy (Jan 16, 2010)

:hug: Sorry your having a rough time right now. I know for me some years it's not to hard at all and some years it's really difficult. 
Know that you got through it up until now and you will again. :2thumbs: 
:hug:


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## Jazzey (Jan 16, 2010)

Years?  Sorry, I know I'm making this about me - it's really not intentional. But, I'm really scared when you guys starting about 'years'.  "one year" - that's my quota. No more...  I've  passed the hurdle of the first one - I cannot do another.


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## Andy (Jan 16, 2010)

That's a good way to go about it Jazzey. Not everyone is the same so it's not a given that you will have issues with this for a long period of time.

I was talking of a different type of anniversary personally, but relating it to Cat Dancers post, as it is an anniversary as well.


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## Jazzey (Jan 16, 2010)

I'm sorry CD, I didn't mean to sound insensitive about this tonight.  I will be thinking of you tomorrow.  You're in my heart and prayers.

I'm sorry.  What I posted tonight was self-centered and insensitive. Just a moment of panic for me. I'm sorry,

:hug::hug:


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## forgetmenot (Jan 16, 2010)

Hey CD just want you to know that we all care and know you can beat this okay. Just keep busy do something really special for you don't let him win okay you are special just remember that.  Jazzey take care okay you are strong dam panick feelings you can beat this too both of you stay strong okay don't let them win.


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## Cat Dancer (Jan 16, 2010)

Thanks everyone. 

Jazzey, it's ok. It's not an everyday thing. It's more like a once a year thing now. If that makes any sense? It has gotten SO SO SO much easier day to day. So much easier. I think this year there are other factors involved with making it stick out in my mind. But overall it's nothing compared to what it first was. 

:hug:


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## Into The Light (Jan 16, 2010)

i'm sorry you're struggling with this again this year. it really isn't fair, how others can make people suffer like this. they do something so horrible that it has huge huge repercussions on the person they harm. it makes me so angry.

you have our support. i hope you can make it through a little better knowing that we are here for you and that we would take away all this pain in a second if we could. you deserve to be ok and without all this pain. 

thinking of you. :hug: :hug:


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## Jackie (Jan 16, 2010)

I'm thinking of you too:hug:


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## HBShadow (Jan 16, 2010)

I'm thinking of you as well.


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## Jazzey (Jan 16, 2010)

CD, I just came back because I was thinking about you, about today.  Is there something special that you can do for yourself today?  Something entirely for you and about you?  

I hope that you're well surrounded today.  Don't spend too much time alone, ok?


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