# Scaring  Myself



## GDPR (Jul 17, 2013)

I feel a little scared of myself right now,and the way I am feeling. And the way I am thinking.

I am _extremely _stressed out,and when I get like this,I just want to end it,so that I don't have to deal with the way I feel.

I am trying to ride this out and I keep reminding myself that the way I am feeling will pass,that I could wake up tomorrow morning and feel 100% different.But at the same time I am telling myself that I should end this sh*t permanently,that even if the way I am feeling does pass,it _will _come back again...and again...and again.


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## Cat Dancer (Jul 17, 2013)

Riding out the feeling is definitely the right thing. Can you call your therapist for some extra support?

I am thinking of you and sorry you're so stressed out. Is there something physical you could do to get some of the stress level down? Take a walk or squeeze one of those stress balls. I know that sounds simplistic. I wish I could think of something helpful.


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## MHealthJo (Jul 17, 2013)

Would it help LIT to talk about the topic of the stress?

Or maybe you can tell yourself, it is entirely possible that the feeling will become much rarer as you continue learning and healing..... It can get to the stage where it rarely comes back again......


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2013)

I'm sorry,I shouldn't be posting at all when I'm like this. So,I will stop.


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## Andy (Jul 17, 2013)

Lost_In_Thought said:


> I'm sorry,I shouldn't be posting at all when I'm like this. So,I will stop.



I think posting when your "like this" is exactly what you should be doing. Maybe people here can give you some support to help sort out your thoughts. Personally, keeping everything ruminating in my head is THE WORST THING I can do because it just piles up and piles up and then things typically get worse. 
If you don't have anyone you can use for support (even if it's just for today) please feel free to use this forum, that's one of the main things it is here for. :support:


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## forgetmenot (Jul 17, 2013)

LIT  talk ok   release the stress  and yes the emotions will come and will go  and in time you will   learn better ways to cope with the onslaught of emotions   but  until then you reach out where ever you can  for the support you deserve.   You can talk here ok  letting go of some of the stress hun not keeping it to yourself helps  hugs to you


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jul 17, 2013)

Hey there LIT,

We understand, to varying degrees, what you're going through...  Not exactly what you are going through, but we've been through stuff and we've been where you are...  Do you feel you are overwhelmed but are afraid to talk about it?  Why are you afraid to reach out to someone?  Shame?  Guilt?  Neither of those should be something we victims feel, but because of our upbringing, we sometimes turn to these thoughts because that's how it was drummed into our heads.

It's absolutely better to come here and share how you are feeling (what you are remembering, thinking, feeling, etc if you feel comfortable) rather than penning it all up inside.

You were likely trained that your feelings weren't important, and you've mentioned that you've felt you shouldn't talk about things before, likely because this was drilled into your head.  Keep it quiet, keep it secret, keep it in the family...   You're not allowed to feel, share, remember, because it threatens the (dysfunctional) family dynamic.  You were told bad things would happen if you told. But remember, you _weren't _safe, you were just too scared to say anything (because of threats, manipulation, ingrained behaviours, belief systems, etc)...

Well now you are safe.  You're an adult.  You can talk to who you want about what you want when you want.  You can break those old patterns by bringing NOT hiding things.  You don't even have to tell us, you could write the stuff down and bring it to your therapist.  Do you have an email you could send to him?  Can you call him?

Remember, you aren't your thoughts, so you don't have to give in to them.  If you think you are going to give in, call 911 or call your crisis line, okay?

In the meantime, even generally, please know you are safe to talk about things here.  ♥


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2013)

I thought about calling or emailing my therapist,but I decided not to. I don't want to alarm him when there's a chance I could wake up tomorrow feeling 100% different.

I thought about killing myself.It seemed like the easiest solution. 

And then I thought about getting wasted.I was thinking which would be better,to kill myself or get wasted.I'm here,typing right now,so it's obvious which I chose.

I hate myself!


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## forgetmenot (Jul 17, 2013)

Don't hate you hun don't ok  you are suffering enough without you attacking you.   You do what is necessary to help you through this pain but  i hope you don't drink too much hun  tomorrow you will only feel worse ok    try to get some sleep if you can  Sleep is one way i escape from pain hugs


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2013)

forgetmenot said:


> You do what is necessary to help you through this pain



That's what I hate myself for right now.

---------- Post Merged at 08:48 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:34 PM ----------

This was a very bad idea.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jul 17, 2013)

Well, at least you stopped, because you recognized it wasn't a good idea.

Some people don't even try, they just succumb to numb.

Dealing with feelings is tougher, but actually it makes dealing with life better...  I have a feeling deep down you probably know this.

But now that you've had a swig or two, drink lots and lots of water and chew on a little salty something like pretzels so you don't dehydrate...  Even gatorade or a banana or something with potassium...

And when you get around to it, hopefully soon after you've had something to eat, stop feeling bad about yourself.  You've feel bad enough without feeling bad about feeling worse!  ♥

My two cents is next time take action and get some help from an email/call to your therapist... You are still self-harming when you make yourself ill with drugs or alcohol...  By the way, can I ask, in the interest in your safety, are you drinking alcohol, taking some kind of drug, or doing both?

If you are doing both, or even just drugs, that's pretty dangerous...  Alcohol consumed in copious amounts can cause alcohol poisoning...  If you start to feel really awful you may have to call 911 anyway hon.

I hope you're okay!  ♥


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## forgetmenot (Jul 17, 2013)

you chose the lesser of two evils here hun

  I have done the same
  i sometime will take alcohol to calm me down  just one or two drinks something i hate myself for too because i said i would never touch the stuff actually i was given the stuff because i was just so beyond myself in pain and anxiety.
 The thing is hun  alcohol was necessary if i did not take it i would have harmed me  or even more   

You coped the way you knew would help and although it was not the best coping skill it was better then giving into your suicidal thoughts right.   hugs


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2013)

What was a very bad idea? How you chose to cope? or posting here?


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2013)

Posting here.

---------- Post Merged at 09:54 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:53 PM ----------

Both actually.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2013)

Why do you think posting here was a bad idea? I think it was a good idea.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 17, 2013)

posting hun  is a good coping mechanism  you did good to post  hugs


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## GDPR (Jul 17, 2013)

I think it was a bad idea because it shows that I keep struggling. 

I have such a hard time dealing with stress.I wish I could put into words what it does to me. And there's so much of it right now that I'm not sure how I will be able to pull myself through it.Or if I will be able to.

I feel completely worn down. Like I have been broken. I feel it in my soul.

---------- Post Merged at 10:24 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:23 PM ----------

I believe I may have reached my breaking point.


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## David Baxter PhD (Jul 17, 2013)

Of course you're struggling but that's not failure. Failure is giving up. And the whole purpose of this forum is to help people when they are struggling.

You CAN get through this, just as you have every other time. It's not pleasant. It's not what anyone wants to do. No one finds it comfortable. But you can and will survive it.

You're wounded and you feel broken. Most of us have felt that and you have felt that before too, I know. But you're not beaten.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~ Ernest Hemingway

We are broken and we heal. Sometimes we have to experience that cycle more than once, sometimes several times. But we rise again and we go forward and these experiences make us a little stronger the next time.

You may be at a breaking point. You may feel broken. But you are not beaten or conquered. You will prevail.

The alcohol is what makes you feel pessimistic. It focuses you on the negative. But alcohol doesn't make you see more clearly, just more pessimistically and more hopelessly. Don't listen to the alcohol.


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## forgetmenot (Jul 18, 2013)

Hi hun  hope you are feeling  a little stronger today hugs


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## GDPR (Jul 18, 2013)

After I had my morning coffee,I decided to put earbuds in and go lay in the middle of my yard. I closed my eyes and listened to the music. And I could hear cicadas and birds in the background,it was like they were part of the songs.

And then I opened my eyes as I was listening.I noticed all the little things around me,like birds in the trees,bugs crawling around,etc.,and it was so moving it made me cry.

I stayed out there for almost 45 minutes.And now that I am back inside,I have all the same thoughts/feelings that I had yesterday,but they don't feel as huge and powerful right now.

I think I'm going to give myself another day or two,and if I am not over this 'episode',I may call my therapist.


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## GDPR (Jul 20, 2013)

I am feeling 100% better today. And to be honest,I don't even really remember what was going on and what I was so stressed about. 

I guess it doesn't matter because I am feeling good _now_.

Thanks for being so nice and helpful.


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## GDPR (Sep 1, 2013)

What is 'suicidal ideation'?

I'm asking because a few weeks ago during therapy,my therapist said other than the suicidal ideation,it sounded like I had a pretty good week.


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## Retired (Sep 1, 2013)

> What is 'suicidal ideation'?



You may be interested in reading this article:  What Are Suicidal Thoughts? What Is Suicidal Ideation?


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## David Baxter PhD (Sep 1, 2013)

"Ideation" is just the process of thinking ("idea"), so suicidal ideation means having thoughts of suicide, with or without intent to follow through on those thoughts.


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## GDPR (Sep 11, 2013)

I'm not having a good day at all. It's one of those days where everything just seems to keep going the wrong way. Plus I had an argument with someone,and I really lost my temper and said some pretty mean things. Actually,they were mean,but they were also the truth.Sometimes the truth hurts.

And afterwards,I had myself all worked up and was trying to calm down.I did all the things I have been taught and they didn't really help much. 

But,then I started thinking about suicide again. When/where/how I would like to do it. And I felt instant peace inside. It was like a release or something. An end to everything that I have to deal with.A way out.A solution. The ultimate solution.

I feel so much better now.I feel so calm and peaceful. Even though I don't really have intentions of following through,I feel better because I don't feel so trapped in my life,this mess.And it makes me feel better that I really _could _do it,if I wanted to. And as long as there really is a way out,and I allow myself to think about it,plan it,etc.,it helps.

I feel like I'm so morbid.Like there is something very wrong with me to think and feel the way I do.


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## forgetmenot (Sep 11, 2013)

I think it is because you feel you have some control back in your life  you do not have either wise    as you say they are just thoughts and as long as you do not act on them then that ok you are not morbid  you are just wanting some kind of control that all   i understand i do


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Sep 14, 2013)

I don't think you are morbid.   I think it is a great idea to share your thoughts with us.  It helps you get things out into the open instead of shelling them up inside you.

And you don't have to carry out the thoughts.  That is a step in the right direction.  Sounds like your therapist knows about it, so maybe just let him know when you have these feelings/thoughts, and what might trigger them.  If the things he taught you didn't help, maybe let him know, and he could come up with an alternative. 

But I am very happy to hear that you are so aware of these thoughts, and that just because you are thinking them, it doesn't mean you have to carry them out.  ♥


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## GDPR (Nov 9, 2013)

I just want someone to talk to right now,if that's okay.I'm sorry to sound needy,but I am just having a rough time at the moment.

I think I drank way too much,way tooo fastr and now I just feel like I cant breathe.I am having p[anic attacks while at the same time i fel like im giung to pass out

---------- Post Merged at 07:15 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:09 PM ----------

I'm such a loser for doing this tomyslf


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 9, 2013)

You're not a loser. Lots of times we do stuff like this when we're trying to escape feeling or remembering or something painful. Are you by yourself?


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## GDPR (Nov 9, 2013)

i just get tired of all this ****.i get tired of waking up the morning asnd looking at notes I left myself the night before,telling mygself that i have a job,that i have to work,telling myself to take ahsower and wash my hair.i mean seriouslly,who has to do that kind of ****?

sometimes i just get tired of it all.i get tired of the dauly struggles.its all bullsht

---------- Post Merged at 07:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:19 PM ----------

yes im by myslef


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## Cat Dancer (Nov 9, 2013)

I am starting to have to make lists of stuff I need to do. It's tiring and annoying, but it helps me get through the day. It is hard though, each day, getting through. Don't give up though.


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## Ftbwgil (Nov 9, 2013)

I agree with posting how you feel and their should be no shame or embarassment ... Its how you feel..... keeping things bottled in is what creates stress and unease. I for one like this forum to just write what bothers me and never do I feel it is wrong.  I would sometimes get huge rushes of stress and anxiety.  What I find works is to do some very deep breathing and to only focus on the breathing. Positive in and visualize negatives out.  While taking these very deep breaths I would appreciate the air that feeds my whole body. Easier said then done but most times this works when you start believing it will. I noticed when Im anxious Im not fully breathing.

Good luck


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## GDPR (Nov 9, 2013)

I'm sorry! 

I sholndt have been drinking and psoting. I am going to take a break from this place and hopefully be back when I get myself tgogether.

---------- Post Merged at 10:23 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:40 PM ----------

I have pretty much sobered up now,and I feel like such an idiot.

I'm sorry,I truly am.

Thanks for everyone that has been nice(and tolerant),I appreciate it.Thanks for all the times everyone has helped me when I needed it.I'm sorry that I just can't seem to get myself together and no matter how hard I try I just seem to struggle endlessly.

I do think it's time I stop coming here.But I wanted to say thanks first.


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## forgetmenot (Nov 9, 2013)

It takes time ok  no one is mad at you so you do not have to be sorry hun.   I do hope you do take time to get help for you so you do not have to use alcohol to cope
We all struggle and fall backwards at times  then we pick ourselves up and move forward again.  No one judges you here hun ok   hugs toyou


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## MHealthJo (Nov 11, 2013)

Please do not feel bad or stupid or anything LIT!! 

One of the things that we all struggle with is habits that don't help, and none of us is totally perfect and never falls back to the wrong behaviour ever. 

It's just one of those ongoing things unfortunately.... we just have to get up each day and try to do the things that will help us, and try again to not do the things that don't help us. 

It is tiring and that's why you need support and friends around you and a place that will be positive and supportive to just keep doing it, keep making the connections that help you more and more, keep seeing the triggers and learning how to avoid them a little more, keep finding new options of what to do instead. 

So don't leave, you are our friend and we would miss a friend not coming in to Psychlinks anymore.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Dec 18, 2013)

Have you noticed, L.I.T....  Do you seem to have these feelings in cycles?  Maybe something is imbalanced...  When you feel good for a while and then start feeling bad for a while and it seems like a cycle, there could be something you could do by telling a physician or a psychiatrist/psychologist...

On the other hand, if certain things trigger these episodes of darkness, it's your job to mention them to your therapist rather than forget about them.

You may benefit from jotting down in a journal what it is that happens when you become so sad/angry.   Because then you will remember what may have triggered your feelings/behaviours, or notice if your feelings/behaviour come in cycles.

For example... "Had argument today."
"Felt guilty about what I said in the argument, but it was the truth."
"Something is wrong, not sure why but I feel horrible."
"Decided to drink to numb feelings."
"Shared my feelings with my forum."
"Decided not to call my therapist because now feeling better."


If you took that to your appointment with your therapist he would be able to ask you about each entry and note the date/time of day, and perhaps help you realize or learn new ways to deal with or understand your situation.  Perhaps if it happens almost all the time around a certain time of the month, or if he or you notice, hey, you're getting a deep sadness almost every 4-6 weeks.  What's going on there?

Hope everything works out for you LIT.  ♥


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