# Men And Women Are Programmed Differently When It Comes To Temptation



## David Baxter PhD (Jul 18, 2008)

Men And Women Are Programmed Differently When It Comes To Temptation
ScienceDaily 
July 15, 2008

Temptation may be everywhere, but it's how the different sexes react to flirtation that determines the effect it will have on their relationships. In a new study, psychologists determined men tend to look at their partners in a more negative light after meeting a single, attractive woman. On the other hand, women are likelier to work to strengthen their current relationships after meeting an available, attractive man.

Men may not see their flirtations with an attractive woman as threatening to the relationship while women do. Researchers found that women protect their relationship more when an attractive man enters the picture but men look more negatively at their partner after they've met an available, attractive woman. Men can learn to resist temptation when trained to think that flirting with an attractive woman could destroy their relationship, said lead author John E. Lydon, PhD, of McGill University in Montreal.

Researchers conducted seven laboratory experiments using 724 heterosexual men and women to see how college-aged men and women in serious relationships react when another attractive person enters the mix.

In one study, 71 unsuspecting male participants were individually introduced to an attractive woman. Roughly half the men met a "single" woman who flirted with them. The other half met an "unavailable" woman, who simply ignored them.

Immediately after this interaction, the men filled out a questionnaire in which they were asked how they would react if their "romantic partner" had done something that irritated them, such as lying about the reason for canceling a date or revealing an embarrassing tidbit about them. Men who met the attractive "available" woman were 12 percent less likely to forgive their significant others. In contrast, 58 women were put in a similar situation. These women, who met an "available" good-looking man, were 17.5 percent more likely to forgive their partners' bad behavior.

"One interpretation of these studies is that men are unable to ward off temptation. We do not subscribe to this. Instead, we believe men simply interpret these interactions differently than women do," said Lydon. "We think that if men believed an attractive, available woman was a threat to their relationship, they might try to protect that relationship."

Using virtual reality scenarios in the last experiment, the researchers wanted to see if 40 men could learn not to flirt when mingling with attractive women if they formed a plan or strategy beforehand. The researchers prompted half the male subjects in this experiment to visualize being approached by an attractive woman. They were then instructed to write down a strategy to protect their relationship. These men were more likely to distance themselves from an attractive woman in the subsequent virtual reality scenarios.

Lydon says women, on the other hand, don't need to be trained to withhold any reactions when approached by attractive men. "Women have been socialized to be wary of the advances of attractive men," says Lydon. "These findings show that even if a man is committed to his relationship, he may still need to formulate strategies to protect his relationship by avoiding that available, attractive woman. The success rate of such strategies may not be 100 percent but it is likely to be significantly higher than if the man was not made aware of the specific consequences of his actions."

*Source:* Lydon et al. If-then contingencies and the differential effects of the availability of an attractive alternative on relationship maintenance for men and women. _Journal of Personality and Social Psychology_, 2008; 95 (1): 50


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## holliesmith (Jul 31, 2008)

*inconsistencies here?*



David Baxter said:


> Temptation may be everywhere, but it's how the different sexes react to flirtation that determines the effect it will have on their relationships.
> Men may not see their flirtations with an attractive woman as threatening to the relationship while women do.



So I think my little story fits in here:
Hi all - wanted some opinions on something that has been on my mind lately. Basically I met this guy out at a club - I was looking for a b/f - he was looking for sex but of course he didn't tell me this! - I made a really really dumb, hasty and poor decision and lost my virginity to him  - went on another 2 dates with him after he tracked me down ( he went out of his way to find me) and promptly found his g/f's (or fiance's!) eyeliner in his car - I eventually got him to admit that it wasn't his Mom's and ended it then and there. As he was walking off he called out 'Hollie, Hollie' then said 'see you round' while smirking - I was so naive and he was really callous.  

I will say here and now my actions with him were very bad   - I just shouldn't have. The ONLY reason I did it was because I was stupid enough to think it might lead to a relationship - and of course he was the 'aggressor' big-time......I said no a few times but he just kept trying to convince me and I made a decision I regret to this day that obviously I am not fully over. I blame myself for misplacing my virginity and I learnt a lot from it. For the record I never ever slept with a guy I didn?t love or who didn?t love me ever again. 

But I still have some things to ask. The thing is he wasn't your typical player. He had a great mining trade job earning mega $$, well presented, not into drugs, lovely close friends and family, a good sensible, down to earth manner and business sense and of course the gf/wife/fiance who loved him. He was actually polite and caring (just not about me!). He by no means appeared perfect, - he was rough around the edges and seemed shy even to start with (unfortunately that made me even keener!) He didn?t seem to be overly confident in his manner towards some parts of our meeting-up ? seemed not to be well versed in the cheating thing although he kept me well and truly away from his life ? I don?t even know his last name. Although he covered his tracks well I tend to feel that I was maybe a one off? I will add that although he was nice on a level - he always seemed to be looking out for himself and others (especially me) came a second place. He probably had a 'treat them mean keep them keen' attitude at least at some point to the gf/wife 

People have told me that he is scum, a loser etc, but most of these are women who have been cheated on and his life does not indicate that. He seems to have made sensible decisions etc before and after cheating. I don?t contact him now of course so all I know is that he and the gf are now married ? and had a child before or slightly after he cheated. Plus I know he has great family/friends. (I am not sure if they are still together but assume they are.) This is not something a loser has. So he was/is a good guy to his friends and family and I guess to the wife as well. (except of course the cheating). Looking back he indicated guilt once after I told him I wanted more than just sex: he said ?yeah I know? as if he had been there before and then ?I am a bad bad boy? and laughed! Stupid me! I was so young and silly. But he called again and only stopped calling after I confronted him about already being involved with someone else. His reaction was nonchalant (laughed and said see you round) but he may have come back for even more ? we just don?t know. I have since learned that guys are good at 'compartmentalising' - ie the cheating was always separated from the fact that his gf/wife would have hated it. It probably didn't even touch his conscience. 

So how does someone that appears to treat the gf/wife well ? they are married (plus have a great life) ? do the sneaky cheat thing? Or more to the point why? How could he? His nice friends (a married couple with kids) also knew about it too. He didn?t seem like the kind of guy who would habitually cheat. Yes he was in a club alone OBVIOUSLY looking for action but I get the gut feeling I was a kind of last hurrah for him. But I still don?t understand how someone who is nice and has a great life would do that to his gf/wife. And if he IS scum, how does a scumbag get all the good things in life?? I wonder if she could be happy with him and he with her now that he can't (well I assume he doesn't still cheat) cheat? 

I can see I just need to keep moving on with my own life ? (which does have great things in it) ? just someone mentioned him to me the other week and its all coming back now that I have some time on my hands. Also, at the time I just pushed the whole thing away and didn?t tell anyone what really happened. I felt like a loser for giving it up to someone who didn?t care at all about me so I just tried to hide my feelings and move on. It worked until now ? now I am home raising kids and don?t have a career to occupy my mind. Funny thing is I don't want or love him at all. all I expected of him was that he was single! When I think of it now I dream of showing him what he can't have if you know what I mean - not actually being with him - I don't want that. 

Please don?t flame me for my weakness here. I have no intention of causing trouble for the wife (or him) ? she doesn?t deserve that. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the answers


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## Retired (Jul 31, 2008)

holliesmith,

Welcome to Psychlinks,



> Please don’t flame me for my weakness here



That won't ever happen here.  Flaming is prohibited on Psychlinks, and no one here will ever judge you for sharing your feelings or concerns.



> I felt like a loser for giving it up to someone who didn’t care at all about me so I just tried to hide my feelings and move on.



Don't be so hard on yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  The unfortunate thing was that this person was deceitful and took advantage of your vulnerability.

We are all occasionally deceived by people who don't respect others.  

I hope that time will heal your pain. The fact is most people are honest and caring.  

Write this one off as an unfortunate (learning) experience.


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## holliesmith (Jul 31, 2008)

I think time will help heal here.    THanks for the reply.  

I have been doing a bit research (amateur) into psych to help me understand this thing that happened years ago as I didn't give it much thought at the time, and never really understood. I've also been helped with it by others.

The more I find out about male sex-psyche etc the more I see that what I got myself into and how the events unfolded was really nothing surprising to most at all.  He saw no reason to be faithful if he could get away with cheating.  So he did it.  Men are hard-wired to by polygamous.  Why aren't they all cheaters.  Because they have varying degrees of integrity and that intercedes.  Simple as that.

I still struggle with how a person who appears to be decent in all other facets of life, even to the wife (bar the cheating with me) could do something like that.  Yet it fits in perfectly with the theory!

What I also don't understand is what would make him stop.  (I assume he doesn't do it anymore if they are married - which I heard they are).

Anyone know any stats about how many men cheat on their partners - and the partners never find out?


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