# Why do  people repeatedly pursue a path that leads to pain and disappointment?



## David Baxter PhD (Mar 22, 2010)

Sabotaging Success, but to What End?
By RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D., _New York Times_
March 22, 2010

?You could say I?ve been unlucky in love,? a young man told me during a recent consultation. 

He went on to describe a series of failed romantic relationships, all united by a single theme: he had been mistreated by unsympathetic women who cheated on him. 

This was not his only area of disappointment, though. At work, he had just been passed over for a promotion; it went to a colleague whom he viewed as inferior. 

I asked him about his work as a computer scientist and discovered that he worked long hours and relished challenging problems. But he also did some curious things to undermine himself. Once, for example, he ?forgot? about an important presentation and arrived 30 minutes late, apologizing profusely. 

What was striking about this intelligent and articulate young man was his view that he was a hapless victim of bad luck, in the guise of unfaithful women and a capricious boss; there was no sense that he might have had a hand in his own misfortune. 

I decided to push him. ?Do you ever wonder why so many disappointing things happen to you?? I asked. ?Is it just chance, or might you have something to do with it?? 

His reply was a resentful question: ?You think it?s all my fault, don?t you?? 

Now I got it. He was about to turn our first meeting into yet another encounter in which he was mistreated. It seemed he rarely missed an opportunity to feel wronged. 

Of all human psychology, self-defeating behavior is among the most puzzling and hard to change. After all, everyone assumes that people hanker after happiness and pleasure. Have you ever heard of a self-help book on being miserable? 

So what explains those men and women who repeatedly pursue a path that leads to pain and disappointment? Perhaps there is a hidden psychological reward. 

I got a glimpse of it once from another patient, a woman in her early 60s who complained about her ungrateful children and neglectful friends. As she spoke, it was clear she felt that all the major figures in her life had done her wrong. In fact, her status as an injured party afforded her a psychological advantage: she felt morally superior to everyone she felt had mistreated her. This was a role she had no intention of giving up. 

As she left my office, she smiled and said, ?I don?t expect that you?ll be able to help me.? She was already setting up her next failure: her treatment. 

Masochism is not solely the province of psychotherapists; even sociobiologists have had a crack at it. Some see its origins in the self-sacrificial behavior of ants and bees, which, at their own expense, go in search of food for others in the colony, instead of competing with them. Is human self-defeating behavior, similarly, a remnant of altruism that might once have benefited one?s kin? Perhaps, but it has long since lost any adaptive value. Believe me, your family is a lot better off if you succeed in life. 

Yet telling people they are the architects of their own misery doesn?t go over very well. The usual response is some variation on ?Is it my fault that life is unfair?? 

The American Psychiatric Association found itself in this position when it included a category for self-defeating patients in an earlier version of its _Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders_. 

Partly in response to social and political pressure, the notion of masochistic character has disappeared from the manual altogether, even though the behavior is a source of considerable suffering and a legitimate target for treatment. 

Of course, terrible things happen randomly to people all the time, and no one is suggesting that isolated misfortunes are anything more than that. 

Moreover, a history of repeated failures, especially in one sphere of life, doesn?t mean someone is a masochist. Many people fall far short of their potential not because they secretly desire to fail but because they are anxious about what it means to succeed. 

But if someone has a pattern of disappointment in many areas of life, a therapist should consider that it could be self-engineered. Treatment can help, including psychodynamic and cognitive therapy, but there is still no effective medication for masochism. 

It can be an uphill battle, as patients often try to defeat their therapists? best efforts. But at least there?s a chance these patients can experience in therapy what they so expertly undermine everywhere else: success.


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## paulhere (Apr 13, 2010)

I can share from my experience one simplistic answer as to why I pursue SOME paths to misery. I seek feeling good. For me, there appear to be two sources of gratification: a) Instant gratification and b) Ongoing gratification / serenity.

For me, instant gratification often requires little or no personal investment or effort. Not necessarily in that moment but as an overall approach to pursuits. Instant gratification brings about an emotional "high." Instant gratification is the "easy" way. Instant not only by definition implying immediacy but also a short lived achievement.

For me, ongoing gratification, for me, requires willingness and work. It requires looking beyond "what do I want right now?" It involves realizing that what I think I want or perceive to need very often is itself a faulty foundation to build on. It involves realizing that instant gratification often comes with a high price. It involves an investment portfolio as opposed to a gamble. Ongoing gratification may lack the intensity of instant gratification but the associated feelings might be best described as finding serenity.

My suspicion is that the easy way leads me to misery and that making the effort will more likely lead to happiness.

I also feel that there is converse relationship to dissatisfaction. Choosing to stay in a problem is the instant choice, promoted by fear of change and again the easy way. Choosing to move away / deal with a problem implies a potentially great effort, time and adjustment. It is said that "Change will come when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change." This as well I can interpret as choosing to stay in a problem until the bitter end being the easier instant choice vs. seeing the long term results and putting in the effort to change before hitting rock bottom.


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## Daniel (Apr 13, 2010)

paulhere said:
			
		

> Choosing to move away / deal with a problem implies a potentially great  effort, time and adjustment. It is said that "Change will come when the  pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change." This as well  I can interpret as choosing to stay in a problem until the bitter end  being the easier instant choice vs. seeing the long term results and  putting in the effort to change before hitting rock bottom.


Yes, and to be rather dramatic/metaphorical about it, sometimes, for some people/situations, getting out of hell is hell for a while:



> In DBT you can think about the recovery process as a house.  The  basement is where you start and that is hell. It is when you are using,  drinking, cutting, or whatever your self-destructive mode has been.  To  get out of hell to the next level you have to climb the steps (I think  of these as the 12 steps of AA but that is not what Linehan says).  The  steps are aluminum which makes them hotter and damn it is hard to climb  out of that hole.  Sometimes people throw some water down to you, but you  have to work to get to the first floor which is quiet desperation.
> 
> I spent a lot of time on this floor [the first floor, above the basement]. In fact, you might say, much of my  life.  Here you are not actively using, drinking or self-destructing but you  have no kind of life. You are miserable and you know you need to change.   The question is do you really want to change?  It sounds easy but it  is a lot of work and sometimes  people (including me) just think it is  easier to drop back into hell. Some people think suicide is an option at this point...
> 
> ...


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## Daniel (Jul 18, 2011)

"The issue is *just how far down are you willing to go before you feel your hand is forced*. For me, it was facing 18 years in prison, I hope you have an easier ride."

Changing Your Life and Livelihood is Hard but Worth It - Psychology Today


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## fewtchure (Jul 20, 2011)

> Why do people repeatedly pursue a path that leads to pain and disappointment?

IMO, because people are caught up in desire and fear, and are unwilling to take a really close look at their mechanics.  If they don't, they're likely to remain stuck in a cycle of wanting to want more, and fearing to be afraid.  

Desire and fear have a "self-referent" nature, and it's helpful to discover their actual relationship (one desires the opposite of what one fears, and one fears the opposite of what one desires).  

Once it's clear that they actually aren't self-referent, one no longer is afraid to fear, nor does one desire to desire.  Fear has then been defanged, and desire has been de-obsessed.  One is still free to desire, but now one is free to desire -- not driven to desire by fear coming up from behind.

It's also helpful to realize that desire and fear are based on "me" (the one who people talk to), not the "I" (the one who talks to people).  Thus, they're difficult to access because "me" desires things from others and "I" have both difficulty communicating those desires to people and difficulty determining what people have to offer and are willing to give.  

"Me" is a feeling self, and "I" is a communicating self (so to speak).  There's something of a disconnect sometimes, it seems to me, and always room for improvement.


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## Daniel (Jul 20, 2011)

> IMO, because people are caught up in desire and fear



I think most Buddhists would agree.

OTOH:

The Therapy of Desire: Theory and ... - Google Books


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