# I am seriously considering



## SilverRaven (Feb 8, 2013)

things are not well with me or my family anymore...we moved back to Wisconsin back in May of last year like everyone wanted us to and its been nothing but a down hill battle...more drama than ever before...no place of our own we lived in a motel from July until a couple weeks ago when a friend let us stay with them because of people threatening the Mafia on us for no reason...my oldest is getting a divorce ..we are out of a running vehicle...blah blah blah blah.....nothing is going right at all for nobody...

tomorrow is the date that I miscarried my daughter she would be 15 is she had lived...I just cant take anymore **** in my life...no matter how hard I try to make things work for every body they don't go good at all...I just cant deal..

.I've been sick for over a month and not getting better and tired of going to the doctors for it...I got an apt to see a counselor the end of the month but it is with someone new and I don't do well with new people..my anxiety is bad  my depression is beyond rational...

I would be better not being around...I am a big stress on everyone..I make friends with the wrong people and it causes major issues with  people and now lives could be at risk because of it...and can't do nothing bout it because i can't prove  they said anything about what they want to do so yeah...I dont know...I hate my life I hate living day in and day out like this I hate moving from one place to another...I just feel like lying down and dying...that would be the end of all the problems and my family and my friends would be safe from lunatics...not a good past year for us at all...


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## forgetmenot (Feb 8, 2013)

Hun they won't be safe if they are threatening you they won't stop hun  You need to go to hospital ok and get some help for your stress and anxiety   Tell the authorities what is happening ask for protection     I am sorry your life is so hard right now  but things change hun   One day at a time ok   You cannot help them all hun they are adults let them look after themselves and you look after YOU ok    You tell your doctor about your feelings of suicide and get help now ok  hugs


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## SilverRaven (Feb 8, 2013)

I tried to tell the cops of some of the stuff they were doing and all they said was that it was hear say....they wont help at all...I have to have proof and I aint got none of that unless something happens to one of us...thanks for the hugs...wish they made things better...and I told the triage nurse how I was feeling and all she did was make me an appt...so I dont know...guess thats one reason I feel bad because you tell people whats going on and you just get put aside for later...I just don't have any other ideas of what to do...


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## forgetmenot (Feb 8, 2013)

You go back to hospital and you get them to listen ok hun you tell them you are going to harm yourself now if they don't help you  YOu make them hear you hun  tell them tomorrow will be to late you need help NOW   You get them to listen hun  tell them out right what your plans are and that they are immediate plans and you need protection tonight


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## SilverRaven (Feb 8, 2013)

I really hate this ...I cant go a day without drama...again and again and again....raaaawwwrr....screaming inside .......how much clearer can a person get when you tell them what your going to do and they just say oh it'll get better just hang in there until your appt....I hate this state...I wish I never came back ....I am tired of putting on a fake face for people to...I am tired of trying to appear normal to those around me so they don't constantly ask me whats wrong....I am tired of people asking me whats wrong....I'm tired of people putting me off...I am not important enough to them I guess that I can wait until the end of the month...what ever...I don't care anymore....wish there was a delete button in the brain


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## BluMac81 (Feb 15, 2013)

SilverRaven, I know how you feel.  I feel what you have felt, more or less, I've been in the depths of despair, and even today... I was... or am.. suicidal.  Yes I would rather die than live, I pray to God that he will take my life in my sleep, because life is just pain from my perspective.

But let me tell you why I don't commit suicide:

1.  Because it would drastically hurt those who love and care about me; should that really be my last act on this Earth, hurting the ones who care about me the most?  I can't go out that way...
2.  Because most of the major religions, including my religion (Christian- Catholic) make strong indications that those who commit suicide, go straight to hell, at worst, and end up in a different place with the same pain, at best.  If you look up NDE's or "near-death experiences" of those who tried to commit suicide (look on youtube) you'll find an large amount of strangely similar... terrible afterlife experiences for those who killed themselves.  Both science and religion point to suicide not being a way out, but to equal or greater pain (and for a longer time)
3.  The fear of death.  I know it's easy to stand there admidst your great pain and say you aren't afraid of death... but you will be if you try suicide.  Death is terrifying, especiallly if you're the one causing it.  Not to mention the fact that it's rather hard to just die in a second, most suicide attempts end in a longer, torturous death, or brain damage / amputation; something that will remind you and everyone around you forever, your foolishness in trying to kill yourself.

Just think about those items and KNOW that there are people, hospitals, that can and will help you.  The 1800suicide hotline has stopped me from attempting on a few occasions; that number is very useful.

Regarding what advise I might have.. well, I can't speak much about the social situation you're in, as I'm quite the hermit, but it sounds like to me you need a fresh start... away from the people who cause you such stress.  Find a job or a hobby that will become a passion for you.  Find the things that make you feel... better, or happier, and stick with them.  I know it's hard... oh god I know it's hard.  That's why you have to communicate with your loved ones, and a psychologist / psychiatrist if possible (even a social worker), tell them exactly what you told us here in your initial post.  Then, I believe they would be the first to agree that you need a break... a new start.  

Hang in there, I know it's hard, but for now, take it one day at a time, one _moment_ at a time if necessary.  This does not make you a weak person, any more than cancer makes a person weak.  

Remember you have us, and the people who care about you in your life (and they likely don't show how much they care for you in day to day life, as is human nature, but they do care about you).  There are things that can help you in your situation, and you _can_ conquer the distress in your life and bring about a new era of positivity and joy in your life.  

 You can do this.  You're not alone.  Don't give up.

-Matt


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## SilverRaven (Feb 16, 2013)

thanks Blue...I do know how it would affect my family..and I have finally made some new friends who really do care about me and think of me as family and would do what ever to keep me safe...even from 
myself....wow...I don't know what to make of it really I am not use to anyone caring about me that way...all have used me one way or another so this is something I am trying to get use to and I am scared I will 
screw it up somehow...I am not afraid of where I go when I die..whether if be a natural death or otherwise..my religion is not like that..we do not have a heaven or hell...but continue on another path or enlightenment...but I hear what you are saying....and thanks for caring enough to point it out thou...I have lots of hobbies I love but have no interest in them at the moment...and I can not work as I am disabled..but I have thought of charity work at the animal shelter...my appointment with my therapist has been moved to Monday so I will get in and start the process of therapy again...I am just trying to get
through the weekend now..and its not good ..but I pray that I get through it with the help I have gotten here and my new friends...thank you for the help everyone...I really do want to stay I am just afraid things will collapse again...I know think positive ...hard to do ...


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## SilverRaven (Feb 17, 2013)

I really cant wait until Tuesday gets here I really can't...last night was a really really bad night...I drank so much that I got really sick...my husband came home from work and dumped all of it down the sink..I guess he cares enough to tell me no more alcohol in the house..and my friends said the same thing..I prob would have died if they hadn't stopped me when they had...because I was alone at the time and I wasn't stopping..I do not know when to quit ..enough is just never enough...now I remember why I quit in the first place..and taking meds on top of it did not help at all..made it worse....I just have no will power...
my daughter told me I was stupid for doing what I did..I just wasn't thinking about what I was doing..I just acted upon and urge...why do we do that ?..how can I stop doing that?..I don't know..I really had hoped I wouldn't have made it through the night but I did..and I guess I should be happy bout that but part of me isn't ..I am trying so dang hard to make it through the next day so I can get in...how can I cope with the next day so I make it to Tuesday?..I do not know and I am scared....


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