# Coming on again



## shadow (Feb 13, 2005)

Not sure why I'm writing this, because I know it's not going to change anything. Just a chance to have my thoughts out there, some place. 

I quit my job a few weeks ago, when I turned 50. My parents are both gone (my dad in 93, my mom in 03) and my son just graduated from college and lives halfway across the country, so I decided there was no point in staying in a house I couldn't afford with no family or friends close by, so I'm putting the house up for sale and I'm going to just travel around...

The problem is I'm trying to do all this packing up and moving on my own. My family doesn't agree with what I'm doing, and make no bones about it. 

I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. I stare at all the stuff I have to get done and I feel so totally helpless. I've only felt this way twice in my life. The first time, I was 7 months pregnant, single, and trying to find a way to support myself and my baby. I just couldn't get anything done. Thank God I had my family's support then.

The second time was after my father died. I don't know if a parent can be a soul-mate, but if they can, he was mine. I don't even remember the six months after he died. All I really remember was fighting with my son and my mother constantly. And finally I just had it. I didn't know what to do any more. That's when I ended up in a psych hospital for three months, and then day treatment for almost 2 1/2 years.

I have to be out of the house by the first to try and rent it out. I had counted on having an income until it sold but that got blown out of the water and then it was too late to keep my job. So the financial stuff is really getting to me. I just want to get the house sold and pay off my debts and walk away from everything. 

Maybe I should just walk away from everything now and let the chips fall where they may. I could just get in my car and drive until I run out of gas and then walk wherever. It just doesn't seem like it matters any more, and yet for the last six months all I've dreamed about doing is this traveling, having a life of my own for the first time since God knows when.

Well, like I said, I don't know what this will change, but at least it's out there. Guess I just have to kick myself in the butt and get things done.


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## HA (Feb 13, 2005)

Welcome, Shadow

Well, I certainly know how the thoughts of escapism can bring some relief from reality. Mine was that I would move to another country (Australia would be nice) change my name and start a whole new life. It just seems so much easier than what I was dealing with.

But, imagine me....there....in Australia and trying to forget my real life. In my real life, I have family and friends that I would miss terribly after a couple of weeks. The list goes on. I would have more troubles added to my burdens rather than relief from my burdens.

Imagine how your family would feel. Not knowing where you are and if you are okay. I can understand them voicing there disagreement with your plans.

I can see how you may be lucky enough that you can travel and live the life you want but doing it with impulse (just on emotions) and not carefully planned out would not work out to be the travelling life you imagine. 

Do you have a therapist you can work out the emotional stuff with so you can get on with a good plan?

Escapism

Dictionary.com
n : an inclination to retreat from unpleasant realities through diversion or fantasy; "romantic novels were her escape from the stress of daily life"; "his alcohol problem was a form of escapism"

Mirriam webster
 habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine.


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## shadow (Feb 13, 2005)

Well, part of the problem is that I have been planning this for over six months. It's just been since late December that things have started falling apart...and I'm just afraid that it's going to be one more thing I've tried to do that ends up in the crapper.

No, I don't have a therapist. The last psychologist I had betrayed my trust and the last psychiatrist I had told me my problems were all in my head (duh!), and after having been on 27 different medications over nearly 3 years I was told I was one of those 'lucky' ones for whom medications don't work.

I don't know, maybe the whole gypsy thing is escapism. One of my brothers said it was fine as long as I was running to something and not running from something. Guess I'm doing a little of both.


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## HA (Feb 13, 2005)

shadow said:
			
		

> the last psychiatrist I had told me my problems were all in my head (duh!),



*Sorry...but I laughed out loud at that one.*

It's most unfortunate that medications have not worked for you, shadow, because they are so expediant at relieving depressive symptoms and allows for much clearer thinking so you can actually plan things. Have you tried Wellbutrin? It is a newer med so just in case you have missed this one. It works for me.

Lucky you to be in a position where you can travel.


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## shadow (Feb 13, 2005)

Yeh, I was on wellbutrin back in '95 and it worked better than anything for me. The first few weeks I was on it, it almost pushed me manic, but that calmed down. I really thought it was going to work for me, but then some 'cognitive' problems occurred; I guess that's the only way to describe it. Things like coming to a stop sign, and watching the oncoming traffic instead of the side traffic before pulling out. 

Yeh, I am lucky that I can travel I guess. I've just gotten to the point where material things are like weights on me. I want to get rid of as much as possible so I can feel 'free', I guess. 

Maybe after I sell the house I'll go to the local clinic and see if I can try the Wellbutrin again. I just really don't want to go down that road again; it scares the hell out of me that it could be starting and there's nothing I'll be able to do to stop it again.

At least I found this place - it's a heck of a lot better than having no one to talk to at all.


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## HA (Feb 13, 2005)

When I first started Wellbutrin SR I went slowly up to 300 mg/day and I had tremors, profuse sweating and some internal anxiety. I went down to 200 mg/day and have no side effects at all. It also helps with my anxiety.

I think prevention is a good strategy to use. Why wait until you are over the edge of the falls. If you think you are going down that path then trust your insight.

I have found that pairing down from a family of four to an apt was a bit of a task. I can get too attached to *things* sometimes but I did it over a number of years. I do find it freeing to get rid of unneeded belongings now. I just keep the really special things that are *small*.

Cheers
HeartArt


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## shadow (Feb 13, 2005)

The dosage might have been part of the problem. I started out at 400mg, which I believe is the maximum dose. But then, everything they put me on started out close to or at the max, and I always, always, ended up at the max before they'd decide it wasn't working and on I'd go to something else.

If I had any choice, I'd probably go in now and see what I could get, but no job, no money, no insurance - kinda limits my choices. But I do know my limits - I know when it gets too close for comfort, so to speak. After all these years, I can almost tell to the day when things are getting to that point. 

Right now I just keep telling myself that I only have to get through the next day, and the next day it's the 'next day', etc. Eventually things will work out they way they were meant to.


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## HA (Feb 14, 2005)

Shadow,

The maximum recommended dose for Wellbutrin SR is 350 mg/day. They come in 150 mg & 100 mg tabs. I take two 100 mg tabs eight hours apart. As we all have different bodies, there are some people who require more than the recommended maximum.

If you are waiting for your retirement income to come through then maybe you could borrow enough for the meds. What country are you in? There are programs for free medication. Doctors also will sometimes have samples they could give you.

Yeah, sometimes it's all we can do is take it day by day.

Take care


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