# I Want My Own Life...



## Boris1234 (May 7, 2011)

I feel like I?ve hit a wall.

I feel like I deserve better than what life has been offering me. But the way things have been going this is a far as the boat will take me. I feel like the only way to get out of this rut I?m feeling is to obtain a fulfilling job that pays for my existence. Sure I can take a job selling insurance, but how long will I last? The insurance market is saturated, and I?ve always considered myself to be an analytical type. I don?t see that to be a realistic fit and they are just desperate to find anyone to fill the position, as the turnaround rates are high. Besides I also see it as something that would conflict with my conscience, and that I?m also wasting my potential. Suppose I?m employed there long enough, and then I become a manager, then what? Dead end. I wouldn?t be able to get the type of job I really want from that position. Right now I?m working as an unpaid intern at an EDC, some days I feel like I?m gaining experience and it expands on my skills and knowledge, others I feel like I?m just doing busy work. My work with the EDC isn?t likely to result in a paying job with them. I?m not angered with them; my lack of payment isn?t because of a conspiracy of greed. The director of our branch is severely underpaid and had to leave retirement so the county can actually have an EDC. Other executives of the EDC are business people who are a part of other public organizations and are volunteering.

But the problem is there simply aren?t jobs which are relevant to my skill set, or they ask for a ridiculous number of years of experience simply because employers know they can find desperate workers or they are still trying to save money by training new hires as little as possible. It makes me angry that they are only thinking about the here and now, while the cynic in me wonders if they are manipulating the labor market as there is an ever increasing supply of college graduates, and when they finally get new blood into their systems they can totally low-ball new hires. Woe, to college graduates who find themselves in the labor market at a time when good jobs are scarce, for they have wasted their time. I can only see the creation of decent jobs for graduates being significant five-years from now. Which leaves myself and many others a lost generation.

I?ve tried career counseling, and I just don?t feel they have knowledge and resources to significantly help people, and a lot of it may be out of their hands. They tell unemployed workers to identify key people in organizations in specific departments to which they?d wish to work for, and to send their resumes to them and not HR people, and follow-up with constant phone calls. This is really bad advice; for one thing firms are modeled differently from each other; phone numbers, addresses and email addresses of key people aren?t typically available for the public; this isn?t exclusive advice, which means a great number of people are already trying this and firms have the apparatus to deal with the barrage of job-seekers, meaning they are just referred to the HR department; suppose they do get contact, it may do them a disservice as they are interrupting the daily function of these firms;  undertaking these tasks would require considerable amount of time which compromises time spent on searching for jobs on the numerous job search engines, and finally this knowledge seems relevant mostly to unemployed professionals who?ve held prestigious positions at well known companies, as these are the type of people who have such status that these acts wouldn?t be an intrusion, and obviously they would know how similar firms function, as well as key people to identify. Another problem associated with these one stops is if you notice a lot of people who visit and are on computers are poor and older people who do not have access to personal computers at their homes, which means that they cannot save multiple resumes on file, this is a huge problem as most firms nowadays require applicants to send their resumes electronically. They cannot compete as well by sending their resumes through the mail as their resumes aren?t sent instantly. These one-stops can only help you with their own State job boards, which do not receive as many postings as do other boards, which brings with it another problem; there are too many freaking job search engines which are a disservice to both job seekers and employers. Both parties can?t be sure of finding each other, the people who benefit the most are the job search engines as they receive revenue from postings and advertisements. In short there are too many turds to pick peanuts from. These multiple job search engines create the myth of finding the turd that smells like roses, which contains the golden walnut.

I just don?t feel a sense of direction, and I?m really aggravated that I can?t come up with a conceivable plan. I don?t know where I?ll be two months from now, let alone five years.

I don?t feel ashamed of what I?ve done, I feel like I?ve made significant improvements in my life, I graduated summa cum laude with a BA in economics?not bad for a high school flunky. Yet, I?m back to where I started. I had to move back home from college, I can?t afford to live on my own; I?m under insurmountable student debt; I sleep on an air mattress; I don?t have access to healthcare; I need thousands in dental work done; I have an old-ass car which is due to stop working any day now. 

I?m angered that I can?t take care of myself; I don?t want to be a burden on anyone else. If I can?t have my own life, then I should take it away. My dependency on others is repressive to their own liberty; therefore they should see that I am relinquishing them of a forced responsibility that hasn?t a definite end. You could even say I?m helping to create a labor shortage, which will increase wages and the standard of living for workers?something which the fading presence of unions are having difficulty achieving.


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## Marcel (May 7, 2011)

Boris1234 said:


> I don?t know where I?ll be two months from now, let alone five years.



Hi Boris1234 - I am sorry you are so frustrated with your life right now but I think what you said above is key.  You *don't* know where you'll be - and that is why there is hope.

You mentioned feeling like you are burdening your family, but could it be they are happy they are able to help you out right now....that they are still "needed" and "helpful"?  That there is a way they can still contribute to your life and provide you with a needed stepping stone on the continued journey through your life?

As for helping out with the labour shortage - for me that falls in the category of trying to rationalize suicide.  What about all the people that need you to be alive so they have a job?  The ones that maintain the roads that you drive your car on, the ones that work at the career counselling centres, the ones that work for the company that provides the internet service you are using.  Please don't take this as me trying to sound harsh - I try to rationalize suicide all the time.  I just want to suggest that it isn't a good argument for ending your life.

It sounds like you have pursued lots of different avenues in your job search and that you worked very hard to secure your degree.  I hear that you feel the system is defeating you and leading to nothing but dead-ends for you, as well as others.  And yet I think you have to keep plugging away at it, while brainstorming what other avenues to pursue.  In the meantime, you'll get more interview experience (even if it is for jobs you don't end up taking or getting as they aren't a match), you'll increase your already substantial knowledge of the labour market (ie positions available and associated duties for related pay levels), and you may stumble upon a position/subfield that you hadn't considered before that will provide you with a new direction to pursue.  And you'll be out there networking - as you pointed out, a lot of the jobs aren't listed and it is a matter of connecting with people at the right place and the right time.  You need to be out there in order to have the opportunity to make those connections - as frustrating as it is.  I hope you keep trying.


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## Ashley-Kate (May 7, 2011)

I think in life we all hit walls, we all at some point or another feel like we don'T have a place that we don't make sence and that our lives simply don't add up.  Yet durring those times when we feel that way there is soo much other stuff going on around us that we simply can't see.  It's not by choice but even if we see something positive the negative aspects seem to be much greater than anything positive could ever be. It's hard to fight it off, and to say the truth you alone can't fight it off..  It's not burdening your family to ask for help to need them, cause in general thats what family is for to love you and care for you no matter what. It's hard to see a futur when you look to your past and see all the negative things that went on, you can only estimate your futur being somewhat similar to the past yet it's not true.   Ask yourself really what you would have wanted differently what you would have liked to do differently and when you know what that is than try and work towards that. it's hard i am not saying it's an easy step but it's possible and inspight of beeing depressed or feeling like life doesn't make sence you have to trust that you can make it through and to do that yuo do need help though someone to remind you that you can someone that you can talk to about your wishes and dreams of the futur. Your futur is in your hands but you need to be there because if your not you may miss something pretty awesom.  
hang in there


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## Boris1234 (May 7, 2011)

Thank you so much for your responses.

I think what helped me the most is that both of you wrote back to me like I was a human being. My self and others are dealing with a lot of bureaucracies, and the feeling of being a number in a file. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that a lot of people feel alienated in our society. You've helped me notice about myself that I tend to drift away and view things in a macro-logical way of reasoning and I sometimes I can't see myself-- is this a symptom of a disorder?

With my family, my mother has done so much for me, and I'm worried that I can never repay her in full. She's getting old, and every time she tells me her joints ache I feel guilty.

It was a good thing I found these boards, you helped me and I'll do my best to help you and others.



			
				Marcel said:
			
		

> As for helping out with the labour shortage - for me that falls in the category of trying to rationalize suicide. What about all the people that need you to be alive so they have a job? The ones that maintain the roads that you drive your car on, the ones that work at the career counselling centres, the ones that work for the company that provides the internet service you are using. Please don't take this as me trying to sound harsh - I try to rationalize suicide all the time. I just want to suggest that it isn't a good argument for ending your life.


You have a good point, I guess there really isn't a good reason.



			
				Ashley-Kate said:
			
		

> It's not burdening your family to ask for help to need them, cause in general thats what family is for to love you and care for you no matter what.


I know, but I really need to pull my weight.



> It's hard to see a futur when you look to your past and see all the negative things that went on, you can only estimate your futur being somewhat similar to the past yet it's not true. Ask yourself really what you would have wanted differently what you would have liked to do differently and when you know what that is than try and work towards that.


That's right, if I can identify patterns I can try to find out what lead to these patterns in order to change them.


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## Ashley-Kate (May 8, 2011)

it's not about trying it's about investing in it completly trying is a good step but give that a job for yourself investin gin yourself"


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (May 9, 2011)

Remember, you are not your job; your job does not define you.  It's just something you do. 

If you can, try to keep extra alert for opportunities...  Perhaps with all that's happening, this IS an opportunity - you don't have to stay anchored to this job at this place.  You've probably been ignoring that little voice in the back of your head for some time now (I have done that) and something inside you is telling you to stay here, even though it seems not to be a good thing anymore.  Can you figure out why you can't leave?  Maybe you need to sit down and talk to someone about this, if you aren't sure.  I stuck with a job that was so bad for me, I went on stress leave, and I needed a therapist to help me figure out why.  You don't have to pay someone, if you have really good friends and family.  Have you told them about your feelings of "uselessness?"  I am sure they would console you and let you know, a lot of people have felt like you're feeling right now, but things will get better if you hang on... 

I'm a teacher, and although I did enjoy teaching for a while, I moved on.  I had a few so-so jobs in my quest for something suitable for me (technical support at an out-sourced call centre, cashier at a grocery store, assistant manager at a drug store, training support at an office sales company) but now I work for a crown corporation as technical support...  I often wonder, how in the heck did I get a job in technical support when all the guys around me have certificates and diplomas in technical jargon and wire braiding?  Oh, right, I guess because I am a teacher, and I have patience, and I like to help people, and all those years working in after school programs and summer programs honed my PR skills.  lol

Believe me, I've hit a few walls on my journey, and once even had fleeting thoughts of ending things...  But I still managed somehow, and I believe you can, too.  Now that I am in this current job, I am even looking to find work in other departments, as I feel I have been dealing with technical support long enough.

Maybe these links can give you some ideas...

How lucky people think differently than unlucky people | Stanford Center for Internet and Society
The Seven Simple Secrets of Naturally Lucky People . Plus Over 200 Advanced Energy Workshops for Physical and Spiritual Evolution.
Seeing The Gorilla - Forbes.com


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