# I'm a bit scared



## Lonewolf (Jun 3, 2013)

Tonight, I did something I have been so frightened of doing for years and years! I rang 'rape crisis' to make appointment to start counseling! I have been attending a mental health based group for a while and have been appointed a worker! Had a meeting with her and briefly told her what has been my main struggles! I saw her again tonight and she had the information for the local 'rape crisis', I rang them with her support and I now need to wait for a therapist to become available! I have very mixed emotions about all of this , mainly nervous! This worker also thinks I need the help of the mental health service, but I am not so happy about that because I don't want to trust them just so that they can drop me like a sack of **** when they feel like it? (has happened to me once!) I couldn't cope with that again!!

Just need help to calm myself down if that's ok? got myself a bit worked up! :facepalm:


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## Retired (Jun 3, 2013)

*Re: Im a bit scared!*

It probably took a great deal of courage on your part to make such an important decision, which should help you progress to regain control of your life, your moods and your emotions.

I would urge you to follow the advice of the person who is assisting you without forming preconceived ideas of what might happen.  Concern yourself with getting the help you need, working toward getting better, and if any changes occur, deal with them as they come along.

Worrying about what might happen inevitably causes our thinking to imagine the worst possible scenario.

In the meantime, give yourself a pat on the back and take satisfaction for making this first step toward your recovery.


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## MHealthJo (Jun 3, 2013)

Oh my gosh, I am thrilled! I am so, so happy and proud of you, honey!!
:butterfly: :butterfly: :butterfly:

Yes, Steve's advice is excellent. Deal with things when and if they come. Chat here if worries or foreboding come, and maybe we can talk you through them.

So proud of you, this is a big and positive step. I hope some of the fear can subside a little so you can feel a little of the pride you deserve in taking a new positive step. xoxo


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## forgetmenot (Jun 3, 2013)

Wow hun you did great  you deserve to get all the support you can

    Perhaps  you can talk to your councilor about the fear of being dropped that way you can get reassurance that it won't happen  hugs


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## Lonewolf (Jun 20, 2013)

I just can't wash it off! I feel disgusting! I wish I could grow a whole new skin! I haven't started the therapy yet and I don't know when its going to start, things are so tough, I wish it had!! Since requesting it and saying out load some of the things that have happened, so many memories and feelings have been flooding to the surface and im struggling to cope with them on my own! I normally feel safe hiding under my duvet, but not at the moment! I don't know if its appropriate to say why, but I will say it doesn't seem safe anymore! im sorry


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## forgetmenot (Jun 20, 2013)

thereeper  please call the office and tell them how you are feeling and see if they can fit you in sooner  if there is a cancellation or something  if not still leave a msg with therapist stating how you are feeling ok and that you need hellp as soon as possible  hugs


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## Lonewolf (Jun 20, 2013)

I will try!!


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## MHealthJo (Jun 20, 2013)

Thinking of you mate.....

Don't forget Lifeline/Samaritans etc if things get bad... or talk to us some more here....xox


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## Lonewolf (Feb 25, 2014)

Told today that i need to wait 6 more months for a therapist to become available apparently!! At least the medication is numbing any emotions I have been overwhelmed with!! I can't really think straight with these pills, but maybe that's a good thing?? I haven't really dealt with past or present issues but at least I don't feel anything anymore!! In fact,  I am very dopey at the moment!!


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## Harebells (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Lonewolf, wow that's such a long wait. Sorry to hear that when you were so brave to ask for help. How do you feel about it? Do you know if there are any low cost counselling places near you or anything so you could at least get some support in the mean time? (sorry if you've said any of this on other threads already, I'm really new here). By the way I know that feeling of being dropped like a sack of *** by mental health services - it's the worst! Anyway I'm in the same time zone as you (!) and around for a bit if you want to chat/vent.


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## forgetmenot (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Lonewolf  i am so sorry for the long wait for a therapist  it is so bad it seems everywhere.  I am glad you are on some medication to help numb the sadness some 
The meds will not always keep you so drowsy  your body will adjust to them ok


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## Lonewolf (Feb 25, 2014)

I have looked around for a different therapist,  but the only others I have found are well out of my budget!!!! 
My meds were only increased 2 weeks ago by the GP and they are knocking me sideways, so all those nasty thoughts don't have any emotions and the overwhelming emotions have gone to sleep

It's a little annoying that I've got 6 months to wait still since I asked for help in November,  last year!! I am aware that there are lots of people needing help out there and it's just a case of waiting your turn!!

I don't feel like a female! I'm more of an 'it' really!


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## Harebells (Feb 25, 2014)

Yeah it's a shame that therapy can be so unaffordable and usually it's the people who really need it who won't be able to pay for it. I think some websites like turn2me offer online counselling which is a bit cheaper, but still not that cheap I think, I can't really remember. sorry I'm sure you've thought of all this already, I just wish I knew of something to help you... I hope it helps to come on here anyway. Glad the meds are taking the edge of the emotions anyway, hopefully they will get you through for the next while even though it's not really ideal. You are definitely not an it, whether you identify with a gender or not, but I'm sorry if not feeling like a female is something that's distressing you   ((hugs)) x


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## Lonewolf (Feb 25, 2014)

I haven't really felt like a female for a long, long time!! Infact I think that if I did, I feel so much more vulnerable than I already do!! From a young age, I have tried so hard to be more masculine (physically and metally) simply as a form of self-protection!! Not that it has worked out for me!!! I have tried to be nasty to push people away, I have tried to disguise myself as a man because I think men are less likely to be r***d, I have even tried to get the GP to help me in way of breast reduction or ultimately removal so that again, I appear more like a male, but because of my mental health issues,  it didn't even get a second thought by them!!

I have never owned a skirt and i always buy mens jeans and shirts and shoes cos i feel more comfortable thinking other people see me as a man!!

Deep down i don't think i could ever feel comfortable in my own skin!!


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## Harebells (Feb 25, 2014)

So is it that you feel like someone who would rather have a male identity anyway, as part of who you are, or is it more that being female has made you feel so vulnerable and it's something that has been taken from you, or both? (only answer if you want of course) It sounds like it's really distressing for you anyway, I'm so sorry your gp didn't really listen to you about that and that it didn't help as self-protection.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 25, 2014)

Its both I think lol!! I sometimes wish I was a man because of the r*** thing, although I am aware it can happen to men as well!!! I think my femininity has been stolen from me and I have never rediscovered it!! Maybe too late now!! I call myself an 'it' because I am a female on the outside,  but im neither on the inside! Sad but very true!!!


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## Harebells (Feb 25, 2014)

I hope you can rediscover it...if you want to and as much as you want to. It's so sad and so unjust that it was stolen from you. You are still just as much a person even if you don't feel male or female, gender is only part of a person. I know that's really easy to say though and I don't mean to diminish what you're going through, not at all. x


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## Lonewolf (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't think I will ever feel safe or secure enough ever again, lol!! Thanks for hearing me though! I think I have had an identity crisis for most of my existence in one way or another!!! It's good to know that there are people out there that just accept people for who they are and not what they are or by what has happened to them!! Even though it's almost impossible for them to accept themselves! !!


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## Harebells (Feb 25, 2014)

You're welcome hon! I really wish that you will feel safe again some day (as soon as possible!!) because you so deserve it, not that you need to deserve it - it's your basic right. Going to sleep now but hope to chat to you again soon. (I love your avatar pic by the way, so beautiful!)
Good night and hope you are ok x


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## Harebells (Feb 26, 2014)

How are you today Lonewolf?


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2014)

I'm ok, I guess!! More dopey than usual! That's a good thing as I have lots of thoughts running around inside my head, but no emotions to speak of!!!
How are you doing, lol??


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## Harebells (Feb 26, 2014)

That's good, I'm glad you''re ok. Glad the scary emotions are leaving you in peace - at least being dopey can be a bit of a break from all that!
I'm doing well thanks, good day. Such a relief as yesterday my own brain was trying to kill me!x


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2014)

I wish a brain came with an 'off' switch!! Many of us would be alot safer!!!


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## Harebells (Feb 26, 2014)

Wow that would be amazing...imagine... Maybe someone will sort that one day (as long as only we have access to our own switches!!)


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2014)

.........if anyone finds the switch, please let me know?

---------- Post Merged at 05:28 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:25 PM ----------

I hope we are the only ones who can control it!!!  This brain is faulty!!


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## Harebells (Feb 26, 2014)

:star: I hear ya!


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2014)

Thanks lol!!! Take it steady!!!


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## Harebells (Feb 26, 2014)

You too hon. Hope those thoughts will stop clattering around in your head and you will feel really peaceful and well x


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## Lonewolf (Jul 21, 2014)

Am still waiting for the r*** counselling!! I had a call from them to tell me that I have moved up the list, but there is a way to go yet!! I've been waiting for what seems like forever!!
I S/H'd last week and have had to go to get the wound dressed every 2-3 days, which is still going on!! This life is getting on top of me again (Probably not a surprise to you guys!!)
 I feel very alone in the struggles I face every time I see my reflection!! I am frightened by it because I don't see 'me' in that reflection!! In fact, I don't recognise that person at all!! Behind those eyes I see tremendous rage and aggression and evil!! It's like i'm staring the devil right in the face!! I don't really know why?? Am I evil? 
Sometimes I just curl up into a ball and rock back and forth and just disconnect from the horror in my world!! I rock for hours, floating off into some kind of dream!!
I'm so sorry I have written this, but this is the safest place I know and I need that right now!! I am not entirely sure why I feel this way!! It's quite scarey because I don't feel like i'm me anymore!! What on earth is happening to me?? Please... anyone?? Has anyone got 10 seconds just to sit with me while I try to calm down a bit!! mg:


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## forgetmenot (Jul 21, 2014)

Hi Lonewolf  I too rock back and forth sometimes it brings comfort  sometimes    I hope it helps to bring you some comfort     I am sorry that this waiting period seems to go on forever it is a real shame when someone reaches out for help only to be put on hold so to speak     We hear you ok  you are not alone


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jul 21, 2014)

Do you have anyone who can come over and visit with you, just to hang out?  That's usually more effective than waiting in a forum, when everyone has different schedules and aren't always on the site.  If you don't have any friends or family who you feel you can reach out to, how about a social worker or someone else?

I hope that maybe someone will cancel and you will get in sooner.  Maybe you can ask to have that option?  It's just that they might spring it on you, and if you're tied up doing something, you might miss it, but just ask them to keep you in mind in case of another cancellation.

I really doubt you are evil.  A lot of people are rightfully angry about something, and feel ashamed or scared of that emotion.  Is it possible that you can accept that you are angry about something, even if you don't quite know what it is yet?  Or do you have an idea of why you feel this way?  You can definitely tell your therapist when you go to your session.  Anger could be caused by something unresolved making you feel helpless and frustrated, something chemical in the mind, who knows?  Right?  If you can just accept you are angry:  "I am angry.  But I am not evil.  It's okay to be angry.  It's a true emotion.  I can't stuff it down, because it will make me feel worse.  What can I do with my anger that isn't destructive, maybe something that will help me?"  In response you could free write something, get your anger out on paper, then crumple it up in a ball and stomp on it, or rip it into shreds and throw it in the air.  You could run around the block.  You could beat up a couch cushion or a pillow.  Have an angry argument with a stuffed toy: you'll always win the argument, and you can even wring its neck if you want and no harm done. You could drive out to a secluded area and scream at the top of your lungs.  You could go to a gym and beat the heck out of a punching bag.  Release that angry energy so that it doesn't feel all balled up inside you. It also might help the thoughts from banging around inside your head. 

Remember, just because you feel something or think something, it doesn't necessarily make it true.  

I wish you well, and that something will open up for you soon.  Remember, too, that if you knock, a door should open for you.  So keep asking for help.  Sometimes it can come from the most surprising sources. ♥


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Jul 22, 2014)

In addition...


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## Wasim625 (Feb 12, 2015)

Errmm its kind of a long time since last post but well, @lonewolf how are you now? Did you get your therapy started? How things going? 

Sent from my GT-I9300


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## Lonewolf (Feb 24, 2015)

I have had the initial assessment a couple of weeks ago and the real thing starts on 3rd March!!  I have also been attending a depression support group once a week for the last month and that goes on for a good while yet!! I am very nervous about letting these people glimpse into 'lonewolfs' world, but it's time now!!  I have been very emotional about accepting the therapy and i am concerned about how i am going to deal with the feeligs that will be raised!! I have also managed a month without S/H, but everyday seems to be more and more of a struggle!! I can almost feel my skin aching to be hurt, does that make sense? All this stuff i am already battling with!! I also attended a very close friends' funeral today, unfortunately i didn't feel anything while it was all going on, but now i am really feeling it!! Maybe i have bitten off morw than i can chew? Do you think i could be forgiven for S/H for now? It has been all i have thought about for several days!! Nothing seems to take the edge off it and it's almost more than i can cope with right now!!


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 24, 2015)

You can do this. Get through the next hour. Once you've done that, you have proved that you can get through an hour so get through another hour. Keep doing that until the urges start to subside. Then if they return do it again. 

Also make sure you don't have your usual "tools" around. That's too much temptation. 


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## Lonewolf (Feb 24, 2015)

I am having snuggles with my pet rats to try to distract myself for a while!! I love them so much!! I have been working so hard at trying to avoid S/H, but shouldn't it be getting easier and not harder? I don't think it was this hard to give up the drugs all those years ago!! I removed myself from that situation and started again, but this time there is no running away from this, is there? In some ways this is so much more difficult!!


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 24, 2015)

That's because your stress and anxiety levels are up and that's your main coping mechanism now. Try not to give into it and that way you will be able in time to learn new and better coping strategies. 


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## Lonewolf (Feb 24, 2015)

I'm digging in as deep as I can! I am trying so hard! I just can't find an alternative to give the same pain that I get from S/H and if I can't, would it lead me back to S/H? I've tried ice cubes,  elastic bands, blunt knives and absolutely nothing comes close to it!  I think about S/H and the alternatives alot!! Too much really!  I'm gradually driving myself nuts! I wish I never found S/H as a way of coping!  It's awful! !


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 24, 2015)

Yes it is but its just an urge, a thought. You don't need to give into it. 


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## Lonewolf (Feb 24, 2015)

I'm fighting it!! Thanks for your help!


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## Retired (Feb 24, 2015)

You have come a long way since joining us, Lonewolf proving you have courage and determination.

You can do it, and I'm rooting for you!  We're here for you if you need support during what must be a difficult time for you.


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## MHealthJo (Feb 24, 2015)

Proud of you Lonewolf. You have done very, very well. 

Wish I could give more suggestions about things that could be distracting; it is not my area of firsthand experience though. I am a huge fan of things like computer or phone games that get one's mind and hands engaged, but everyone is different. I think the key is to just keep trying lots of things, as you have....continue on, try anything - as long as it is safe and doesn't put you in risky situations or anything like that.

Great  job having a rat cuddle!!  It's certainly hard replacing a coping option that we are very used to, and you must remember this and consciously give yourself a lot of positive messages for everything that you do in positive directions. You do gradually get used to hearing and thinking positive things towards yourself instead of negative. And getting a little bit more used to that, is part of what will make this coping method of your past up until now, begin to seem more foreign and unwanted and reduce the urges.

I wish it was easier for me to understand what the 'need' is that is trying to be met through s/h. If one knows what the 'need' is, then there's a starting point there for how to go about meeting that 'need'. I wonder if could be helpful to do some googling and finding recovery blogs and websites that go into this topic, and looking at where others ultimately figured out what it is they are needing in that time and how to meet it.

Also, feel free to type here in the word association games, This or That game, etc...


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 24, 2015)

The need is generally to obtain fast though temporary relief from unpleasant feelings such as anxiety or anger. 


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## MHealthJo (Feb 24, 2015)

What, generally, are ways that those feelings (intense anxiety, intense anger etc ) can actually be acknowledged and soothed by the self? 

Would "inner child" guided meditations and things like that be of use here -  instead of trying to get the feeling to 'just go away', is the underlying actual 'need', the need for a feeling to be heard and cared about by someone? 

Is the key with these things, being able to actually feel the feeling, and then 'be there for yourself' with caring and empathetic self-talk, things like that, so that the feeling is actually felt but then processed and soothed?

Is doing that, something that a person in LoneWolf's situation can begin doing? Or is it something that is better to begin to do with a therapist present?


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 24, 2015)

Yes. Doing what she is doing, soothing by cuddling with her pets, is a start. Or doing other activities which make the world slow down and help her to feel good, whatever they might be. Physical exercise might help too.

Anything that helps to reduce or discharge the underlying anxiety (or other negative feelings) should help to  decrease the intensity of the urges.


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## forgetmenot (Feb 24, 2015)

I am sorry Lonewolf i do not have much to say but i do hope that you continue to take care of YOU ok   showing yourself kindness like being with your pets 
taking a warm bath  eating something that brings you joy ok   You have come so far  glad you are reaching out for support when you need it


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2015)

AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! It's so darn difficult right now!! I haven't S/H!! All the stuff that would have been released by it is swimming around inside me and I feel like I am slowly going insane with it!!  I am doing my best!! Maybe I'm just not strong enough for this kind of struggle? I am so stressed out right now!! I am sorry!! I know this problem is very pathetic, it's embarrassing!!


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## David Baxter PhD (Feb 26, 2015)

You are strong enough. Just take it one hour at a time. Or half an hour. Or 15 minutes. Whatever works. 


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2015)

I am so tearful! I have had several times recently where the tears just fall and they come no matter where i am or what I am doing!! I don't know why i haven't dehydrated yet!! I don't quite understand where they are all coming from? Once they start, they are very difficult to stop!! I was in a queue in the supermarket today, I saw a mum cuddling her son and that started them off!! By the time i got through the checkout, i was a complete mess!!


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## rdw (Feb 26, 2015)

There is nothing wrong with crying - accept it. You are tearful right now - will you always be? Probably not! You have come a long way and are going to be receiving the help you need. Those are wonderful things. 
I used to cry every morning going to work and every evening coming home. Some days I had to turn my chair around so others in the room couldn't see my tears. You are not alone.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 26, 2015)

I guess i am not used to feeling like this, the S/H usually intervines!! This is new to me!! And it's scarey!!! Unpredictable!!


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## MHealthJo (Feb 26, 2015)

I wonder if part of the difficulty also, could be the idea that your feelings are 'not allowed' or 'stupid' or 'selfish' or 'not important' - messages you have been given. When we still feel those ideas, it could make the feelings seem even scarier...? Like somehow maybe we are going to be in trouble or in danger?.... Not sure.....

Some inner child guided meditations encourage you to imagine a child version of yourself telling or expressing hard feelings / crying to a very kind, caring, supportive & strong current version of yourself, and having the older version hold the younger one and soothe them, telling them they will always be there for them and that they will be OK. Many people have found exercises like that quite helpful.

Hang in there Lonewolf, it will get easier OK.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 27, 2015)

As a child, I was hit with a leather belt if i showed any other emotion than being happy!! I don't understand why and never made any sense of it!! I think that is why i am the way i am!! There are always consequences!


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## Retired (Feb 27, 2015)

> As a child, I was hit with a leather belt if i showed any other emotion than being happy!!



I am sorry to hear you were victimized by emotional abuse by your parent(s), Lonewolf.  The reason you can't understand it is simply because it doesn't make sense to a rational person.  Perhaps the parent who abused you was a victim of abuse themself, or that parent was just poorly informed and had a distorted view of life.

Whatever the cause, there is help available so you can reclaim control of your life.

I thought this article titled "The Invisible Scar" had information you might find helpful.

Does it provide some insights to your situation?


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## MHealthJo (Feb 27, 2015)

I am so sorry you were treated this way LW.

What a difficult background you have had.

As you begin to set aside fear of feeling emotions and unfair judgment toward your emotions, and actually feel them and kindly 'be there for yourself' during feeling them, nurtiring yourself in some way during or after them, you will come to find they can be felt and survived and gotten through, and it is best to do so without the extra problems of hurting yourself physically. 

The process will begin to heal you too.

Talking through what your emotions are about will do this too. Your therapy and Psychlinks as well as any groups or social workers you might have, can all be used for this purpose so just remember that we are here.


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## Lonewolf (Feb 27, 2015)

OMG!! Today has been so tough!! Everything i look at changes into a weapon!! I have been scratching alot just to relieve the urges a little!! Thankyou all so much for being so supportive!! I know i can be a pain, but i do appreciate it! I am getting increasingly anxious about my first therapy session that starts this tuesday! If anyone can suggest anything to help me with this anxiety, i would appreciate that too!! Thanks!


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## MHealthJo (Feb 27, 2015)

My favourite free guided meditations are at meditationoasis.com - click on Listen To Our Podcast. Have a look at the list and see if the description of one of them sounds the most soothing.

Breathe deeply as you listen and try to focus your attention on each little sound you hear, the air going in and out... Watch with awareness, the thoughts and feelings as they come up... Clenching your muscles then letting the clench go, can be anxiety-releasing too.

Mindfulness can be very useful... getting used to the thought we can have of, "Feelings are OK. Feelings are not threatening or dangerous to me. Letting them happen, will also reduce their impact and grow my strength. And they can only get to a certain intensity, then they naturally peak and begin to ebb off. - IF you let them be." 

Watching the feeling in each 30-second timeframe, giving it an intensity number from 1 to 10, and continuing, will also help you get through the peaks and see it ebbing downward.

And hey, scratching's a lot safer than some other things.... Keep your nails nice and clean and have a nice clean shower once or twice a day, and there seems much less harm in that.   Do spend time also though, on learning these other ways of "letting feelings happen".  

Good job hanging in there!!


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## Lonewolf (Mar 6, 2015)

These tears have been so painful and they appear whenever they need to!! I still haven't S/H but it still very difficult to resist!! I am very embarrassed about these tears because I  don't have complete control over them and its not easy to choke them back!! I can't work out if there are things that trigger them as I can be anywhere doing anything when they appear!! What is happening to me? Please help me cope with this? Any advice would be appreciated!! mg:


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## Retired (Mar 6, 2015)

_This is only my lay person's nickle opinion, that should be investigated when you speak to a mental health professional:_

Could it be the anxiety you feel about not showing emotions, in this case, crying,  is triggering your tears?

I seem to recall your sharing to us that you were discouraged to show emotion during your growing up years.  If this is so, is it possible the anxiety you feel about the possibility of being anxious and expressing an emotional response by crying (a completely normal and human reaction) is triggering unexpected crying?


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## Lonewolf (Mar 6, 2015)

Do you know of anything I could do to have more control of it? Will it calm down by itself?  I find this a very difficult issue because crying always makes me feel extra vulnerable, especially when it is unfortunately in public! When I am open to attack!


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## Retired (Mar 6, 2015)

I am a strong believer and user of diaphragmatic (deep) breathing as a strategy to calm down my body when I feel tense or anxious.

Have a look at this Forum thread:

According To Scientists, This Is The Most Relaxing Tune Ever Recorded

especially posts # 10  and 11. that go into detail about diaphragmatic breathing.

When your body, especially your breathing system (the diaphragm) is tense, your breathing is shallow, and you are more likely to feel some of the effects you experience.  However by increasing your oxygen intake, and relax your breathing system, you can focus your attention on evaluating the situation more objectively, and be in better control of your circumstances.


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## MHealthJo (Mar 7, 2015)

One other thing I can add Lonewolf is, it is good to think about the fact that most people's beliefs and viewpoints are nothing like those that you grew up with.... tears and emotions are normal parts of life and there is nothing wrong or weak or bad about having them or showing them. (Well, there are *some* ways of acting out emotion too much which can be abusive to others, but something like having tears or having sad or upset or other feelings that may cause tears -  having those feelings while you are going through life is not wrong or bad or anything like that.) 

The other thing I suppose is that it may be not so much an idea of feeling "judged' for you, I don't know... perhaps for you it's more something like, because of those you grew up with, perhaps emotions or tears could also make you feel like you are vulnerable or in danger, like a sign of weakness or something and in your background that would be dangerous or encourage someone to take advantage of you or something? ... 

It is important to remember that this is not the case any more, or at least, not when you are not around those that you grew up with (or people like them). To most other people, tears or other ways you might be showing feelings or seen to be experiencing feelings, would just be looked at with a sense of empathy - they don't know what is happening with you but they just know that you are having a hard time in some way, and they would just feel for you and hope that you feel a little better soon. Nothing to be afraid of or scared of. 

There may be certain people who could be different to that, but the most important thing for you right now is to know that your feelings are valid and are allowed to come out in this way.... it need not cause you fear or cause you to do something to stop those feelings happening or coming out. It is better to go in the other direction.... even though at first, maybe you might feel like a bit of a waterfall! There is a lot of difficult emotion there... a LOT, that you have been avoiding feeling / letting happen for a long long time. I hope you can find a way of getting through it at a manageable pace for you. But just remember that it is okay for it to happen.... letting it start to be a bit more okay, is what can move you away from things like harmful or risky behaviours towards yourself. 

Thinking through decisions you make before you let someone into your life, being very careful and slow about putting yourself in a trusting / close position with anyone physically or emotionally, can protect you from anyone who IS someone to be worried about. Stopping your emotions is not the best way to protect yourself and look after yourself.... let those emotions happen in the most manageable way that you can and be kind to those emotions and be caring to them... and remember that this is the attitude that most others take towards these valid emotions......  by doing this, you can process things and continue your learning process of the better ways to protect yourself and keep yourself safe and out of harm. xx)

Please feel free to ask any other questions you might have, like if you are concerned that strangers might approach you or something if you are seen to be emotional or crying, or something like that? We could help figure out how you can handle that if it happens... If this did happen, it would be rare that it would be someone who wants to do something bad to you... (I mean, unless you are in a dark/lonely/dangerous place or something). If this did happen, you  can just thank the person and tell them you are getting through some difficult times right now, 'but thankyou for your concern, that is nice of you.' The person will simply continue on their way and feel glad that they made a nice gesture to someone.


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## Lonewolf (Mar 15, 2015)

Struggling really badly with very strong urges to self harm and overdose!! I know it sounds totally stupid, but that doesn't take them away!! life is so difficult at the moment with several issues raising their ugly heads all at the same time and usually I would react and then the hurt passes, but I am trying to change how I react and these nasty issues feel 10x worse because they are trapped inside me with no escape as yet!! And they are building and building!! I am sorry for being a pain!! It's just now and then that these urges, thoughts and feelings are too powerful for me!! I get frightened!! I have been crying so much and the feeling of being overwhelmingly vulnerable is with me most of the time!! (Well, every time the tears come actually!) I just want someone to hug me and make me feel safe, to catch me when the pending crash really happens to me!! I just want to feel safe!! I don't know why I have written this, I guess it's safer being here and struggling, than being totally alone and suffering!! I apologise if my rambling doesn't make much sense!! I don't want to be alone right now!!


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## MHealthJo (Mar 15, 2015)

Keep talking LW... maybe talking through one or two of the things that are happening, might help you feel a little more in control or supported? Or to figure out what to do?

Hmm, let us know also if you have not found any exercises or things that can help at these times, I could have a bit of a look through some resources that have previously been suggested and find a good one....


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## forgetmenot (Mar 16, 2015)

Let the emotions escape by talking to your therapist or councillor ok  
 I know it hurts and it is overwhelming at times but talking to someone does help 
talking here can help as well.  

 The emotions come and go they do not stay so just know that ok 

 you have gotten through them before so you know you can again  Lonewolf  hugs


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## Lonewolf (Mar 19, 2015)

:facepalm:mg::tearyeyed::tearyeyed::tearyeyed::tearyeyed::tearyeyed:


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## HBas (Mar 25, 2015)

Hi Lonewolf,

Sorry to hear about the long wait but so happy you took a step. No matter how small the steps, just keep pushing forward, Hang in there.

Please take care of you.


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## Lonewolf (Mar 26, 2015)

Help me, please!! Some terrifying realisations have really shaken me up!!! I am so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do!! It's all rushing around inside me and I feel like I just want to die!! Someone, anyone?


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 26, 2015)

What realizations are troubling you, Lonewolf?


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## Lonewolf (Mar 26, 2015)

The fact that my parents probably knew about the abuse, but still let me go through all the stuff as a consequence of my disclosing it!! I have always felt it was my fault!! The fact is that they just wanted it kept quiet and I unfortunately didn't!! I have never been good with emotions and I have managed 2 months with no S/H, but I just don't know how to slow this down right now!! I am so angry!! They let me go through all that!! They let me be the scapegoat!!


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 26, 2015)

You say probably knew. How probable? Is it possible they didn't know? 


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## Lonewolf (Mar 26, 2015)

Well, is it normal for a 10year old boy to tell the parents that he is going to check on his 4 and 5 year old sisters, take half an hour to do that and return to the parents and them not suspect anything, at all?? They must have heard something or thought something surely?


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 26, 2015)

I suspect that most parents would not have concluded immediately that he was up to no good. Perhaps they thought he was reading stories or comforting you. That he was abusing you would not be the first thing most parents would think, especially if he was only 10 at the time.

I'm simply suggesting that when these things occur within families, often family members are unaware. They tend to think of the other family members as fairly normal and loving until confronted with direct evidence to the contrary.

If they did know, your anger is justified. But what would be their motivation to knowingly allow him to abuse you? What would they gain by that and why would they want to do that?


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## Lonewolf (Mar 27, 2015)

I don't know why they would allow him to do it? That's what I am struggling with to be honest!! My family have always buried their heads in the sand when there have been serious issues, almost ignore it and it will go away sort of thing!! It was never meant to be said out loud and I unfortunately did exactly that!! I am so confused!! Where did these feelings come from? One minute I feel totally responsible for all the devastation and the next thing I am considering the fact that it may have been a dark secret that was never meant to see the light of day!!


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## GDPR (Mar 27, 2015)

I think maybe,well at least for me,the back and forth of thoughts and feelings has been part of the healing process.Its hard and scary to face and accept things and especially to say/think that maybe it really wasn't your own fault and place the blame where it belongs.

Both of my parents knew what was happening to me,I am 100% positive of that because there were times I could see my dad hiding and watching and did nothing to stop it.And when my mom saw it happening she blamed me and beat me for it.

It has been a very long road to finally be able to say it was not my fault and truly believe it.I went through the back and forth thing too for a very long time.It is hard to even take a peek past all the self blame,self hatred,all the horrible feelings that go along with it and see things for how they really were instead of how we believed they were.

It is hard to accept that the people that were supposed to love us and protect us failed us,for whatever reasons.I spent a lot of time trying to understand why,but I finally just accepted that I will never understand.It wouldn't change it anyway.

I wish I knew what to say that would make you feel better.Or make things easier for you.

What you're doing,working on this and facing it,is really hard.I think you are doing a good job.I think the back and forth is a good sign because it means you are brave enough to take a peek at the truth.


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Mar 27, 2015)

Don't be scared... Like RDW advised, it's much easier to accept that you are upset, but this, too will pass.  I know sometimes it gets uncomfortable when you're out in public, I've had a big crying jag at work before, but afterward I got over the embarrassment...  I mean, it wasn't entirely my fault, I hadn't learned to "control" or calm down my emotions at the time because I hadn't been to a psychologist who gave me tools to work with.

If possible, it might help to get some of your emotions and thoughts out before you venture into public.  I've noticed, for example when I have racing thoughts at night, I then start to type in a word document on my computer, and try to make sense of how I am feeling and why.  I kept having memories of me being mean or rude to people, that I had repressed, I guess, because when I'd be trying to sleep they'd come out because I was relaxed at night.  I learned if I did a little relaxation/breathing/meditation before bed and jot down my thoughts/feelings of those experiences then the racing thoughts would go away.  I might cry or feel the emotions at the computer instead of in bed when I was supposed to be sleeping.  I hope something like this works for you.  If you do a little 15-20 min relaxation/journaling before you go out of the house, and maybe even when you come back...

And then you could even take what you wrote and email or bring a copy to your therapist.

Can you try that and see if it helps??

We're all human, and I don't think there's any one person who's never had an emotional moment in public at one time or another.  Everyone from the youngest child to the highest position and age...  Try to remember that.  Some people at the store probably felt bad/empathized for you, but perhaps felt they didn't  know you so didn't know if they could comfort you.  Others who had never had a similar experience wouldn't be able to understand what they witnessed.  Either way, how they choose to react is their problem, not yours.  ♥


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## GDPR (Apr 4, 2015)

I was looking at books on Amazon and thought of you Lonewolf.The kindle edition of this book is *free* right now.

It's called Life After Abuse,a practical healing guide for survivors.


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