# Is depression ruining my relationship?



## lillypad (Oct 4, 2006)

hello everyone.

I need some advice and I hope I’ve come to the right place. I know this is a depression forum and ultimately I have a question about depression. Please bear with me.

I suffer from depression, sometimes its really bad  . At the moment I’m up and down. Mostly I suffer from severe negativity, mainly about the relationship that I’m in. It started badly (he lied about seeing another women very early on), then I lost a baby, a few other major upsets happened and I became depressed.

We’ve been together nearly 2 years now and whenever I go through a bad period I completely and utterly blame him for everything. I hate that I’m with him, and believe that he’s destroyed my confidence (in the early days he used to ogle other women and make comments about fancying them). It made me feel so unattractive and inferior. I feel resentful towards him and blame him for making me feel so unsure of myself.

He’s changed so much now and is really supportive towards me and my depression, he helps me as much as he can and even through really bad times he’s never doubted how much we belong together.

We had a 6 month period when I wasn’t depressed and consequently our relationship was fantastic. He says whenever I’m not depressed everything is fine, and I lose the bitterness and the hostility towards him. But it comes back, because so many things remind me that this isn’t perfect, and I become depressed all over again.

*So what I need to know is… is it the relationship that’s making me depressed because I can’t forgive him for treating me badly in the beginning, or does it feel hopeless because I’m depressed?*

I know it’s a tough one to answer but I/we need help. We now have a baby son and our relationship needs to either move on from this or we have to break up. Its about perspective and I’ve lost mine.

Hope you can shed some light on this for me….

Lillypad.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 4, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

Lilly, are you and your husband in a position to see a couples counsellor? If so, that might be the best way to answer your questions.

It's hard to answer your question here based on your brief information and without knowing more about your history and symptoms. There is no question that depression alters how you think about, view, and interpret things. Depressed people are more pessimistic and generally have lowered frustration tolerance and stress tolerance, regardless of what else may be going on in their lives. And, as difficult as it is to be depressed, it is also not easy to live with someone who is depressed. Thus, it's entirely possible that being depressed in creating negative currents in your relationship.

On the other hand, it's also very difficult for most people to resolve issues stemming from infidelity, and one of the results of that can be lowered self-esteem, anger, and pessimistic/negative thinking which can in turn contribute to depression.

You might find some of the threads in the Resources forum here useful, especially Feelings and the Thoughts That Control Them, The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking, and the Daily Mood Log.


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## lillypad (Oct 4, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

Thanks for replying.

My partner works away so seeing a councellor for any length of time isn?t possible. I even feel resentful about that.

Shouldn?t I be over what happened in the beginning? I don?t think it should be such a big deal. He says we weren?t really together but I hate the fact that he didn?t want me straight away regardless of whether we?d had the official conversation about being a couple (we?d been seeing each other for a month when he told me he was going away for a week with another women). In reality I believe it only didn?t work out with this other women because she wouldn?t leave her boyfriend for him! I can?t help feeling second best and what with all the other women he fancied, maybe even 100th best. Its soul destroying and it makes me feel so ugly.

We didn?t have a big romance or in fact any ?falling in love? time and that was mainly because he did spend the first 3 months looking at other women. I hated it and now I feel like I?ve really missed out on something and I?m getting more and more bitter by the day.

I want to feel loved (doesn?t everyone?) and I want to be with someone who really fancies me. I know its not too much to ask because I?ve had it before. No matter how good things are with us, no matter how much he tells me he loves me and fancies me, I always bring this up, and we end up fighting. It seems never ending.

Can you please tell me how to forgive him? How can I ever get my confidence back if I live with the person who made me like this.

*Would anyone else be so consumed by this, 1 ? years after the event? Or am I just depressed?*

lillypad.


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## Into The Light (Oct 4, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

lillypad i don't have any answers for you. i think this is really something you need to work out in couples counselling. i think that some people are more prone to depression than others. i know something like this would probably have made me depressed too, but then again, i'm susceptible to depression as well. others who are not prone to depression may be able to move on more easily but i really cannot speak for them.

i know that feeling unloved can lead to depression. however, depression can also lead to feeling unloved. there really is no way to tell the difference between cause and effect in your situation.

i understand it's frustrating that he works away and that that makes counselling difficult. however, maybe you can figure out some sort of arrangement. it is really worth it to make the effort, especially since you have a son together. if it's really impossible for him to be around for the counselling then maybe you could consider just getting treatment for your depression on your own, rather than stay at a standstill. as you say when you had the depression free period things were good. alleviating the depression may alleviate the pressure on the relationship.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 4, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

Or if couples counseling isn't feasible, perhaps you should be thinking about counseling for yourself. I don't think this is "just" depression. I don't think you've really worked through his "infidelity" yet.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Oct 5, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

Also, try not to focus on wether you _should _feel depressed and put more focus on _why_.


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## lillypad (Oct 5, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

That?s a good point ? should or why.

I feel that by letting it go I?ll also be saying that it doesn?t matter anymore. Does that make sense? I understand the concept of forgiving so I suppose I need to work on that for my own peace of mind. Easier said than done of course. Sometimes when I write about all this I feel like I?ve completely let myself down for letting someone hurt me so much.
I have been to CBT in the past and it really helped (this was after we lost the baby) so I will go again.

With regard to the point about me not having worked through his ?infidelity? (I note the quotes that you used  ) I don?t know what we can work through, because he doesn?t believe that he cheated on me. He knows that he treated me badly but even that took months for him to agree to. There was no big apology or regret, just non-productive arguments and him saying that there wasn?t anything between us. Which really hurt of course.

*Basically its very hard to forgive someone when they don?t believe they?ve done anything wrong.*

Does anyone have any ideas about how I can approach this with him? Or does anyone think that its ok to be seeing more than one women if neither is his girlfriend? I?m especially interested in what men think because I really want to try and see this from his point of view.

We are starting councelling in a few weeks, but without some help now, I?m not sure if we?ll make it to then. 

Thx in advance.
Lillypad


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 5, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*



			
				lillypad said:
			
		

> With regard to the point about me not having worked through his “infidelity” (I note the quotes that you used  ) I don’t know what we can work through, because he doesn’t believe that he cheated on me.


I was referring to your earlier comments here:



			
				lillypad said:
			
		

> I don’t think it should be such a big deal. He says we weren’t really together but I hate the fact that he didn’t want me straight away regardless of whether we’d had the official conversation about being a couple (we’d been seeing each other for a month when he told me he was going away for a week with another women).



My impression is that, although you felt and still feel betrayed, you're also not entirely sure that it was infidelity. I don't know if it's important what you call it though. I think you do still feel betrayed and that's the part that is impeding your relationship. Maybe the first step is for *you* (i.e., as an individual, rather than you as a couple) to explore what it means to you. I'm not sure that CBT will be very helpful in this regard.



			
				lillypad said:
			
		

> We are starting councelling in a few weeks, but without some help now, I’m not sure if we’ll make it to then.



I'm not sure I understand. It seems tghis happened a while ago and that you are going to be seeing a counselor together - What's the hurry for you?



			
				lillypad said:
			
		

> Basically its very hard to forgive someone when they don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong.
> Does anyone have any ideas about how I can approach this with him? Or does anyone think that its ok to be seeing more than one women if neither is his girlfriend? I’m especially interested in what men think because I really want to try and see this from his point of view.



The problem seems to be that at the time this happened you thought you were in a committed relationship and he didn't. If that's the case, then I can see why he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. On the other hand, one of the first things I'd be asking is why you had such different perceptions about the status of your relationship at that time.


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## lillypad (Oct 5, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

The bit I wrote about the infidelity word being in quotes had a smiley after it, but when I pasted it in, it seemed to disappear. I didn?t mean anything by it at all.

I believe that we are in relationships with everyone, whether it?s a friend or parent, someone you?ve just met or of course someone you see intimately. I believe that we should have respect (and for me that includes being truthful) for other people no matter what the relationship is defined as. I suppose that?s how I feel let down.

With regard to your question saying ? what?s the hurry?
Our relationship has come to a point where we can?t stay together because we have such severe arguments, and it can take days and days to recover. Seeing a councellor would be great but a few weeks is a absolute lifetime when you have depression. I almost can?t get through the nights, its so painful and upsetting. I cry so often, not just about the relationship ending but because everything is just too much for me. When things are bad I?d like to drink myself to sleep/take valium but now I have to be responsible and look after my son. It feels so overwhelming that I can never escape. 

Thanks for all your replies. Its really helped me.

Can I just ask why you think cbt wouldn?t be helpful?


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## Into The Light (Oct 5, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*



> I feel that by letting it go I?ll also be saying that it doesn?t matter anymore. Does that make sense?


it makes total sense to me. i struggle with similar feelings about a major issue in my life (quite different from yours). i've been hanging on to it for a couple of years, as i felt all this time that if i let go, it meant it wasn't important anymore. it felt and still feels like i am letting myself down if i let go, as if i am betraying myself.

at this point i am slowly starting to try to let go, because i see now i cannot hang on forever. hanging on will keep me miserable. it won't bring me any happiness. as difficult and painful as it is to let go, i see that it must be done for me to move on with my life. in the end i hopefully won't see it as a betrayal of myself. in the end i hopefully can forgive myself for the choices i made in the past that caused me so much grief.

not only is letting go important for me, it is important for those close to me that i move on. my family depends on me and i need to do this for both myself and them. depression doesn't just affect the depressed person, it touches everyone in his or her life.


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## lillypad (Oct 8, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

Things have come to an end between us now. there was a tv programme on about women in magazines creating an unrealistic image of women so I asked my partner to watch it hoping that it might help him understand why this sort of thing has made me so insecure. Unfortunately he fell asleep (jetlagged) after only watching about 15 mins and then just said I should understand that he’s tired. I suppose I feel like he should make an effort to understand how this effects me and I see him falling asleep as not bothering to learn about it. He started saying its been 1 ? years since he looked at other women and rolled his eyes etc etc. It was almost as if he couldn’t be bothered to talk to me anymore.
We ended up fighting again and both said hurtful things. It seems such a small thing that has finally broken us, but its because there’s so much underlying pain.

basball cap – if there’s anything that you haven’t already tried that might help you let go of whatever holds you back, then you must try it. please don’t become bitter like me. I know that if I’d been able to let this go then my partner and I would be bringing up our son together. 

good luck with the big challenge you’re faced with, perhaps you can let me be a lesson that we have to let go of the past so that we can love and be loved in the future.

Lillypad.


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## Cat Dancer (Oct 8, 2006)

*Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?*

I am very sorry, Lillypad. It is hard to let go of the past sometimes. I would really encourage you to go ahead with counseling for yourself. You deserve happiness and healing.


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## Into The Light (Oct 8, 2006)

lillypad, i don't know what happened between you and your partner, and i am very sorry it has come to this. i was hoping you would be able to hold out until your counseling together.

please do understand that his falling asleep really was a result of jetlag. i kind of recognize your situation in that it would be something i would do. i would expect my husband to read something or look at something for me with the expectation that now he would finally understand me. i am finally seeing that it doesn't work that way. others have to be in the right frame of mind (so at least not tired out) and also they have to be open to learn about the issue (which it sounds like he tried when he did watch the first 15 minutes). i have learned a lot on my personal journey in the past couple of months but i know i can't just transfer that knowledge over to my husband in an instant. he needs to do his own journeying to gain a better understanding of our relationship. he's been away himself for a while so in that regard you and i are in a similar boat.

it really sounds like a lot of miscommunication has been happening with you guys and if things are at all salvageable, still try for the counseling. (i never seem to give up, do i?  )

here are a couple of links that may be helpful in your relationship.
The Dance of Anger - this is a good book that gave me a lot of insight
Marital Distress (this is a .pdf file) - provides insight into causes of marital distress

i also agree with janet that if it's really over, you should still get help with your depression. :hug:


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## zak (Oct 8, 2006)

i know exactly how you feel. before my relationship started the girl i was with i was like meeting her etc and then she met 3 other lads. iv only just put it behind me. if you love the person then you will forgive them. if you trust the person (hard to do after acse like this) then all you need to do is beleive they will be the better person and say no. iv only just realised this fact today and i feel a better person and feel the relationship of mine can continue as it used to be when we was mad about each other. all im waiting on is her answer to still been with me.

letting go of the past isn't an easy thing to do due to experiance i know this. but you will feel a better person in your self if you do let go.


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