# Anxiety or Stress?



## SS8282 (Oct 6, 2006)

How do you know if your anxiety is the anxiety disorder, or you're just really stressed out which makes you anxious?


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## Misha (Oct 6, 2006)

For me I think it is if there is a discrepancy between my rational mind and anxiety.  For example, my anxiety skyrockets on the city bus, and is based on the fear that others are speaking to eachother about me.... especially in other languages.  Obviously not rational.  But that discrepancy is not always that easy to see.  Stress can cause high anxiety as well.  Try to record your moments of anxiety, noting your thought patterns and physical symptoms as well as the presence/absense of external stressors.  Finding trends might reveal your answer.


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## SS8282 (Oct 7, 2006)

Good point, gmnmd. 

Now my next question would be how to tell if my anxiety is rational or not? There've been times when being at work is ok - I would be calm, talkative, smiling, etc. Then there are times (like for the past few weeks), where I get anxious all the time. I 'panic' whenever the phone rings, or if I'm in another room, I would yell at the phone and say 'I'm coming'. I get anxious with practically everything - like the phone, people talking to me, doing my work. Even my co-workers make comments. They asked me why I'm so quiet, where's my smile, told me to calm down, or let it out when I vent, which is often. I carry the feeling on my drive home.

Sometimes I would stop at a mall on the way home to 'settle down'. I would be distracted for a few minutes, then I would panic because I think I'm 'late' getting home.

I feel anxious, stressed, and panicky all the time. I want to stop feeling all this. It's very exhausting. 

I don't know how to get my 'sunny' and calm self back.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 7, 2006)

Have you talked to your doctor about this, SS? I'm not sure how long this has been a problem for you, but besides the obvious (generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder) there can also be some "physical" causes of what you're describing - notably a hyperactive thyroid. It would be a good idea to get a general checkup as a starting point. If everything comes back OK, then seeing someone for some relaxation therapy and coping strategies - and possibly some medication - might be very helpful.


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## Misha (Oct 8, 2006)

SS8282 said:


> Now my next question would be how to tell if my anxiety is rational or not? I get anxious with practically everything - like the phone, people talking to me, doing my work. Even my co-workers make comments. They asked me why I'm so quiet, where's my smile, told me to calm down.
> I would panic because I think I'm 'late' getting home.



A couple things stick out... you are right that it may be hard to identify rationality, but you can identify the things that go hand in hand with your tension.  You note that you are not your sunny self and your co-workers agree.  That to me is an indicator that this is bigger than just a brief period of rational stress.  And there are trends... feeling time constraint in picking up the phone, getting work done, getting home...  Chances are you weren't REALLY rushed doing ALL these things, so that likely is at least a slightly irrational source of panic.  

But yes speak with your doctor, get the physical symptoms sorted out.... if you have time before you see the doc try tracking your anxiety and the symptoms/fears that go with it.  

Now I am getting redundant.


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## ThatLady (Oct 8, 2006)

I find myself wondering if there are, perhaps, other things going on in your life that might be increasing your stress. These could be things going on at work, or things completely unrelated to work. Have you thought about outside events that might be impacting your ability to cope with stress at this time?


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## SS8282 (Oct 11, 2006)

My thyroid was checked not long ago and I'm clear of any problems. 

I see my shrink once every 2 months, but I think he wants to wind it down. I told him about my anxiety at work, and he thinks it's the stress stemming from my having to go to tradeshows, which is only a few times a year. And I doubt he'll prescribe me any medications, even though I think it might help.

I don't have insurance that will cover my seeing a therapist of any kind, other than the provincial one, so I'm sort of limited to whom I can see.

Right now, my coping strategies are venting (to whomever is around), avoid doing my work, shopping, listening to music, or reading.

gmnmd, now that I'm home and can look back, you're right about me not really rushing my work, though it seems like it. Also, I feel like I'm running on 2 speeds - I'm either rushing or I'm late.  

ThatLady, I can't think of anything in my life that is big enough to cause me so much anxiety. Although I have friends, I don't talk or see them much because talking or getting together with them is tiring. They know about my 'problems' so I don't have to fake it, but socializing with them is exhausting.

Think I'm becoming a hermit. I don't know how I feel about that. In  some ways, it's comforting, others, pretty pathetic.

I don't know.


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## just mary (Oct 12, 2006)

> Although I have friends, I don't talk or see them much because talking or getting together with them is tiring.



I would really recommend that you talk with your doctor.  I felt/feel the exact same way, talking with friends is  tiring.  I mentioned that to my doctor and he suspected depression.  I believe anxiety is a symptom of depression and medication can relieve it.  

Good luck SS8282.  And you're not pathetic, you're just trying to deal with something on your own.  You don't have to do it alone, there are people out there who can and will help.

Take care,

jm


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## SS8282 (Oct 30, 2006)

I still have a few weeks to go before I see my shrink.

Today, something happened that I did not want to happen.

Last week, we planned to have an internal meeting. My boss had to go away and wouldn't be around, so he wasn't sure if the meeting should go on or not.  I told him it should, unless he really wanted to be there, because it was a meeting that needed to happen, and he's out a lot, so it would be hard to have a meeting when he can be around for. I assured him that I and our sales manager would take care of the meeting.

All weekend, I prepped myself for it, esp. emotionally, because there is one person who I, and a few other people, don't really like. She's a sales person, but she is very aggressive and abrasive when she talks. She doesn't listen well either. It's like talking to the wall. However, as long as she brings in business, then that's fine. I can handle it, er, her.

Well, today, I was on the phone when everyone arrived, so they started the meeting without me, which was ok. I had a short discussion with the boss before he had to leave for his meeting this morning, so I knew what the agenda was. 

I went to the meeting and it turned out that the meeting became 'her' meeting. Meaning, all the discussions were about her issues. That was fine because it was about the information she was giving to clients, what she could say or not, stuff she needed to know.

Then boss called, and I put him on the speaker phone.  While he was talking, she kept on asking me quietly when he was coming in. I mean, he's on speaker phone, of course he wasn't coming in. I told her that he isn't. She asked me again 3 more times. Why she didn't ask him, I don't know.

Boss wanted certain people to cover certain area (sales wise), and everyone was ok, except her. She didn't want to say yes when he asked her if she could try to get some business from a certain area (geographical). If she didn't want to do that, fine. Her choice.

She started talking to him on things that should be between the 2 of them because it was of no concern of the rest of us. She was rushing with her questions and info. I had to stop her from talking to give boss time to absorb and respond. I asked boss if he's ok, because he was driving and I didn't want anything to happen with all the talking. We went on with the meeting after he hang up.

I said my speal and let the group respond. After that, it went back to *her* stuff. I listened for a while and then realise the conversation between her and the sales manager was going in circles. He kept on saying the same thing over and over because she wouldn't listen, and kept on interrupting.

I got into the office this morning with 70 emails. I opened only 2 of them. I felt like I was wasting my time because it had nothing to do with me, so I went back to my desk to work. 

BTW - my boss runs 2 companies. I do things for both companies, so I am very busy. The sales team works for 1 company, and I'm confident that the sales manager can handle the meeting ok. I have a lot to do for the other company, which has the 70 emails.

Soon after I started work, boss called again. He wanted me to go back to the meeting to listen in - keep an eye on things, esp. when I had a hard time hearing him because the conversation between the sales manager and *her* got heated and loud.  I went back to the meeting, and listen. Then *she* wanted some copies of blank contracts - a 2 pager. I copied page 1, and was in process of copying the 2nd page, when I had to answer phone.  When I got back to the room, I finished copying Page 2. I couldn't find the stack of page 1, and asked if anyone had seen it. *She* lied and said that she asked me where the copies were, and I said on the copier'. She never asked, but I didn't confront her with that. *she* just grabbed it from the copier and put them in her binder. The copies were for everyone, not just her. She couldn't find the copies she took, but luckily, someone else saw where she put them and took them out. He gave them to me, which she grabbed from my hand. She wanted to make sure I didn't get something that was hers. I didn't, cuz I could see what the last page was. 

I was very angry. Not just her lying. I told her that she shouldn't take something that I didn't give her. She kept on insisting that I 'did' by 'answering' her question of where the copies were. I said at least 3X not to take anything if I didn't give it to her. I guess it was comical because one of the people was laughing so hard he had to leave the room.

I practically lost it with her. I spoke very loudly, on the verge of yelling. Oooooh, I was so MAD!

I definately wasn't calm and in control - at least of my emotions. I planned to be professional, but I blew it.  Good thing for me - the sales manager almost lost it with her too.

Nobody in the company really like her. It took her an hour to understand that she gives artwork to a certain person (who was there) to do, and not the IT guy. She also didn't put in the GST on contracts, so the client paid for something without paying the tax. This is NOT good. Hopefully, they will understand if *she* goes back to tell them they need to pay the tax. Otherwise, We would take a hit somehow.

*she* said to me that she wished I had told her the boss wouldn't be in the meeting, because if she knew, should wouldn't have come. I told the boss this, and said it shouldn't matter whether he was there or not. A meeting is a meeting, and it was something that had to happen, before things get out of hand. He agreed. The rest of the group (minus *her*) thinks we should have another meeting to talk about the stuff that we should've talked about today but didn't.

Even now, I'm still stressed out with what happened. I lost control of myself and was unprofessional. grrrrr

OK, enough. I think this is a long post. Had to vent. Sorry.


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 30, 2006)

Wow! Every bureaucracy seems to have at least one of those types somewhere. Most of us just do our best to avoid her/him...


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## SS8282 (Oct 31, 2006)

I wish I could avoid her, but most of the time I can't. I found out this morning that she had some cheques from clients, payable to our company. Salaries are paid at certain times. It turned out that *she* held onto the cheques that belonged to the company until boss *paid* her. Boss hasn't even missed a payment or anything to her. Ethically, you don't hold back money that doesn't belong to you like a hostage.

Come to think of it, I don't think she realise what she's doing, how frustrated we are with her, and how we feel. She wastes so much of everyone's time by not listening, causing everyone to repeat the same thing continuously.

I dread talking to her, even on the phone. I dunno, just mentioning her name upsets me, and I don't know why. I'm worried that my feelings about her will intefere with my job, my 'professionalism'. 

I wish someone would tell her the effects she has on everyone else by her behaviour. Boss is the most appropriate person to do that, as he is the boss and he's the only person she would 'listen' to. Though she doesn't always do that either. Since boss is very busy and out of the office a lot, I would gladly do it for him and talk to her 

She lies to the rest of us by saying, boss said this or he said that,when he really didn't. We're learning to check with the boss on almost everything she said that he said (make sense?).

I don't know how to calm down anymore. Once something sets me off, every little thing upsets me, or rather, get me even more anxious. I don't know how to keep control of my emotions, my anger and anxiety.

Working for 2 companies isn't easy. Oh, and part of my work also involve the government, and that certainly doesn't make my work life easier.

aaaaaargh!


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## ThatLady (Oct 31, 2006)

Sounds to me like the boss needs to step up to the plate and either get this person under control, or get her out the door. If she's this disruptive, she's not doing your company any good, I don't care how many contracts she brings in. Heck, if her contracts aren't paying tax because she doesn't include it, she's doing you more harm than good!


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 1, 2006)

> I wish someone would tell her the effects she has on everyone else by her behaviour. Boss is the most appropriate person to do that, as he is the boss and he's the only person she would 'listen' to. Though she doesn't always do that either. Since boss is very busy and out of the office a lot, I would gladly do it for him and talk to her


Does your boss know what's going on? Have you talked to your boss about her and how she affects you?

You can't fix something if you don't know it's broken...


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## Into The Light (Nov 1, 2006)

i think you need to sit down with the boss and discuss all of these things. she's not very helpful to the business, especially if she's starting to stress people out.


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## SS8282 (Nov 1, 2006)

We have spoken with the boss about her. Unfortunately, he's willing to over look things as long as she brings in business, and that's what we need right now, as a new company. We don't have a lot of resources, especially manpower. Boss knows she needs to be more of a team player, but I don't think he's talked to her about her 'relationship' with the rest of the people here.

As for the taxes. Boss and sales manager have shown her how to calculate. 

The good thing is that she doesn't come into the office that often.

There's so much work, so time consuming work. It's overwhelming today. I don't feel like working, no motivation, no energy. Just want to hide and hope everything will go away.


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## SS8282 (Nov 8, 2006)

Yesterday, *she* came into the office. I went over the forms with her - showed her how to fill them out and stressed that proper completion is for the company's protection (legal-wise).  She didn't interrupt as much as before, which is an improvement. Now we'll just have to wait and see if she actually fill them out right. I also told her that she needed to do it in front of the customer.

Today, she came in again. This time the sales manager was here, and he spoke to her about her filling out the info sheet. All sales people has a form which they fill out - name of customer, company, phone, whether they want to sign up with us, or if not - why, etc.  She wasn't filling out the form properly, so the manager had to go over it with her. It also turned out that she lied. She did not go to the places where she said she did. She also basically said she'd say 'yes' to whatever the customer wants just to get money from them - even though we can't do what they want.  She didn't give all the information they need to know. As the manager said, she just wanted to take the cheque and run.

There is something she's hiding, and we don't know if she's completely illiterate, because she could read, at least some words. However, she couldn't finish reading a sentence or 2 when I was with her yesterday. Her math is not the greatest either. She thinks 3 months is equal to 10 weeks, and that's what she put on the agreements. The customers signed the contracts. 

What the manager and I agree on is that any problems that comes up from the customers, she'll have to deal with them. That's almost the only way to learn.  Unfortunately, we may lose clients that way. 

I've been so tense lately, my shoulders are hunched up and very tight. And I clench my jaw to the point that chewing is a problem. sigh.

Just venting.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 8, 2006)

Yikes! But the thing is, you don't really have to do anything to remedy her errors, right? She'll do it all herself.

"Hoist by her own petard", to paraphrase William Shakespeare...


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## SS8282 (Nov 8, 2006)

Yep, if she makes her bed, she's gotta lie in it.  The thing that scares us is the possiblility that the client would talk to other people and we may lose more than 1 customer.  The sales manager went to one of the places she went to who didn't want to sign up, and when he talked to them, it turned out that she didn't give them enough info. Once he told them what we can do and all other pertinent info, they want to sign up.  

Things could be worse - the sales manager is trying to do some 'damage control'. I hope we won't get into any legal problems because of her.

As if working more than 10 hours a day isn't enough, my boss wants me to attend a seminar on Saturday. He wants to make a sales person out of me. I have social phobia, which I manage to hide sometimes - at great cost.  I told him that although sales is not where I want to be, I'll go and hear them out.  I don't know how to prepare myself in just a few days. 

And the next weekend (Nov. 19 - 20) we have a conference/tradeshow to go to at a hotel.  We have a booth there, and my boss is one of the speakers.  I've been prepping myself since the day I found out about the show - a few months ago.  While I'm at it (prepping), I've got another conference to attend on Dec. 1.

I've done tradeshows before, but I could never get the hang of it, and certainly could barely face anyone, let alone open my mouth. I hope there's beer or something at the seminar and tradeshows to help me feel better. I can always use a drink when I'm with people.

I'm anxious just thinking about going to these places. I don't even know how to answer when people ask me what I do. Call it - identity crisis.  Would it sound stupid if I answer by saying, 'What I do depends on which company I work for at a particular moment'. I only have business cards for one company I work for. I don't want any for the other company, because I can't decide on what title I want. 

Argh - blabbing again. Sorry.


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## SS8282 (Nov 9, 2006)

Last night, the sales manager went to the course that I'll be going to on Saturday. He came in today and told me that it's not what we thought. It wasn't really a 'course'. What it was was that a bunch of people from a huge telecommunication (telephone) company that's is big in Europe and is only starting here in Canada.  So the 'staff' told all the people who attended what the company was about, and tried to get everyone there to 'join' the company - by paying $500.  Once joined, if Person A gets other people to 'join' or sign up for the product, then Person A will get a % of the money. If the people whom Person A sign some other people up, then Person A also get a percentage. So it's like a pyramid.

The 'staff' told the people in attendance that it's their ONLY chance, and that they should sign up right then and there. 

Granted, the company there is huge, the product is useful and very profitable, but I don't want to join them. Not only am I not a sales person (talking to people scares me), but I don't like their 'tactics' - at least from what I heard.  I don't like people to say that it's now or never. No way! I want to have the time to think and decide.

Right now, I don't see how the seminar is useful for the companies I work for. Anyway, I said I'd go, so I will, but I hope I can stand my ground when they start pressuring me to join.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 9, 2006)

I hate that business model, personally. They put a lot of pressure on young people, fresh out of high school or in college, with unrealistic claims about all the money they're going to make. It's basically like motivational speakers gone wild. And the only people who actually make any real money are those at the top of the pyramid.


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## SS8282 (Nov 9, 2006)

I totally agree. 

I'm not sure how to handle the pressure, and I *hope* I can leave right after the talking. Boss said it'll be 1 hour, so that's how long I'll stay. Again, I *hope* I can stand my ground, and leave.

I'm stressed out enough right now, without anything else coming at me.


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## ThatLady (Nov 9, 2006)

Heh. If anyone tries to sell you that line of hogwash, you could always say something like: "Ahhh. So this is a pyramid scheme, eh? Thankfully, I wasn't born with idiot tatooed on my forehead. Have a great day!" Then, just walk away.


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## Into The Light (Nov 10, 2006)

i thought the pyramid model was illegal? or am i getting laws mixed up?


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## ThatLady (Nov 10, 2006)

Pyramid schemes are illegal in the US. I don't know about Canada, though.


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## SS8282 (Nov 10, 2006)

TL, I don't think it's illegal here. Some people would actually go for it, and maybe make a few bucks. I dunno. 

Wish I can say what you suggested, but I can't, not if it's my boss. He's a good guy otherwise. Of course, I he'll let me decide for myself, I'm worried that it'll be other people who'll pressure me. My mind is already playing all these scary scenerios, the 'what if'.  I know they may not be true, but heck, Murphy (as in Murphy's Law) likes me. So I have to be prepared for when things go wrong.

I don't handle stress and anxiety very well, especially when they're prolonged.  Hope they'll have wine or beer or something, or maybe I should have a drink before going. I dunno.


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## ThatLady (Nov 10, 2006)

SS8282 said:


> TL, I don't think it's illegal here. Some people would actually go for it, and maybe make a few bucks. I dunno.
> 
> Wish I can say what you suggested, but I can't, not if it's my boss. He's a good guy otherwise. Of course, I he'll let me decide for myself, I'm worried that it'll be other people who'll pressure me. My mind is already playing all these scary scenerios, the 'what if'.  I know they may not be true, but heck, Murphy (as in Murphy's Law) likes me. So I have to be prepared for when things go wrong.
> 
> I don't handle stress and anxiety very well, especially when they're prolonged.  Hope they'll have wine or beer or something, or maybe I should have a drink before going. I dunno.



Oh, no. I didn't mean you should say that to your boss! I meant it's probably what I'd say to the guy giving me the spiel. I'm sure your boss thinks this is a legitimate course. However, the guy who's trying to sell you a pig in a poke knows it isn't. That guy's always gonna be my target.


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## SS8282 (Nov 10, 2006)

I know, TL. What I'm saying is 'the guy' can very be my boss. He's one of the 'staff'.


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## ThatLady (Nov 10, 2006)

Ack! That does make for a sticky wicket, don't it?

Maybe you can sleep through the presentation?


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## SS8282 (Nov 10, 2006)

Pretty sticky, but I hope it won't be a bad as I think. Boss actually brought up the subject tonight.  I told him that sales is not for me.  He said he *knows* I can do it, I just need to know how the product and the 'money-making' system work. Plus, he'll help me. He kept on asking me to keep my mind open - which I will. However, I did warn him that I'm not going to make any decisions right away. He said that's ok, all he wants is for me to listen to the seminar (aka - sales pitch). He also said that Mr. ('you're fired') Donald Trump invests in a big chunk of the company, and the company has 'offices' in 20 countries. On top of that, since he (my boss) is in this thing, then I can rest assured it's not a scam.

Right now, I'm just exhausted, and I don't really know what to think, and what to do (except to show up tomorrow). Oh, and he told me *she* is going to be there too. I hope there's not much of a chance for me to interact with her. 

It's suppose to rain tomorrow - I hope that doesn't mean it's going to be a rainy day for me.


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## SS8282 (Nov 26, 2006)

It has been a gruelling week for me. The conference and trade show went well, and some crisis at work were taken care of.  Both my boss and I were so exhausted. In fact, my brain was playing so many tricks on me that my boss said I was hallucinating. My tummy's been complaining about the amount of coffee I had to keep myself awake.

This week - let's see. There's an event Monday night that I, and a few others, have to attend to put on by the Board of Trade, and another trade show from Wednesday to Friday. Last week, we were peddling our 2 companies, but this time, we're only going to peddle one.

Have to write Xmas cards and send them to people, and start planning for the company's xmas party.  Oh, December is a very busy month - my mom's bday, niece's bday, friend's bday, parents' anniversary, and, of course, xmas.

Saw my shrink just over a week ago.  He put me back on meds. I have a feeling I'm going to need it to keep myself from climbing the walls.

As for that 'woman' I don't like, I'm still trying to get her fired. Last week, she didn't really bring in any business. Instead, she 'gave' away our business. The 3 contracts she brought in - we were suppose to give away a few 42" LCD plasma, internet for 3 offices, etc. Thousands of dollars, we would lose. I hope, I hope, boss will fire her.  In fact, with his permission, I'll do it for him.

It's hard enough to have 1 company carry 2 companies financially. Don't need anyone giving stuff away for free. We'll go under. grrrrrrrrrrr


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 26, 2006)

> Have to write Xmas cards and send them to people, and start planning for the company's xmas party. Oh, December is a very busy month - my mom's bday, niece's bday, friend's bday, parents' anniversary, and, of course, xmas.


This is a stressful month for many people -- even if it is pleasant stress, it's still stress. That's one of the reasons the month before Christmas is one of the busiest for me with clients.

What I suggest people do is take a very close look at that to-do list. Is there anything on that list that really is a "should do" or "usually do" instead of a "must do"? If so, delegate it to the bottom of the list as something that could drop off if necessary.

Alternatively, is there anything on the list that could be delegated to someone else? A colleague? A family member?


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## SS8282 (Nov 27, 2006)

I think some things can be done by other people.  I'll have to do the xmas cards to clients because I'm the administrator, and the company is really just the 2 of us (boss and I). Boss will just sign them. 

Boss' wife will take care of the party, although I'll have to do the invites. 

I'll let my brother take care of organizing where to go for my mom and niece's bday, as well as parents' anniversary. I'll just go to whichever restaurant they choose. 

As for my friend's bday, I think I'll just send a card. I know I should do more, but it's very overwhelming.

Part feels guilty, and people will think I'm selfish and uncaring. However, I also feel relieved. I don't know what to do so I'll feel comfortable with my decisions.


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## David Baxter PhD (Nov 27, 2006)

You can let certain people (the ones you worry will think badly of you) know that you are just overwhelmed/swamped with work at present. That way they'll know it's not just callousness or lack of caring. I think most people can understand that.


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## SS8282 (Nov 27, 2006)

Hope you're right about people understanding. I can just hear them say, "We're busy too." I'll be glad if I'm wrong.

I got back from the event the Board of Trade put on.  It was held at Alice Fazooli's so one of the first thing I did was to get a drink. Alcohol always make me feel more relaxed.  There were about 150 people in the 2 rooms that was reserved for this event. Now that this is over, there's the trade show to deal with.


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## SS8282 (Dec 10, 2006)

OK. I left my mom's bday dinner organization to my brother. What happened? He forgot!!!! grrrrrrr Mom's bday is tomorrow, and she's a little mad because neither he nor his wife called about the dinner. Bro did offer to pay for the dinner, and asked my mom to pick the date. That was a couple of weeks ago.  Mom has a bit of a hard time with the date because my bro's kids have stuff a lot of the nights and there are some nights when my parents can't make it. What mom is upset about is that bro should've called to ask if mom has made a decision on the date.  So like a good sister, I'll have to talk to him or my sis-in-law tomorrow.  

I'll have to remind them about our parents' anniversary later. Last year, they invited us to their house on the day of their anniversary. I asked my bro if he has a card or something. He totally forgot, and he blamed me for not reminding him earlier. I know it's not my 'job' to remind him, but it's really for our parents that I do.  Now I have to figure out a date, in between the xmas parties, my niece's bday dinner, and mom's bday dinner. 

Speaking of xmas parties. I didn't want to invite that 'woman', but I had to. I could not invite her when I was inviting everyone else. Besides, my boss talked me into it, when I asked him if I could not invite her. I was thinking of not attending if she is going to be there.  However, I don't think my boss would like that, so I think I'll have go.  My plan, if she's there too, is to take extra med in the morning, and have a few drinks through the day and at the party. Lastly, I'll try to stay as far away from her as I can.

Honestly, I can think of only 1 other person I dislike this much. grrrrrrrr


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## Into The Light (Dec 10, 2006)

rather than taking extra meds, mixing them with alcohol (never a good idea) and going to the party, why not call in sick the day of the party?


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## Into The Light (Dec 10, 2006)

your brother is responsible for his own actions. if he forgets your mom's birthday, or to get a card, that's his problem. he shouldn't get angry with you. it's funny because typically a wife tracks such things and reminds the husband, so why in this case it's you is interesting (not that i want to be stereotyping, not at all, but often women are good at keeping track of that sort of thing)

you can't work hard behind the scenes for the sake of your parents. i know you love them and don't want them to be disappointed, but if they are, it's not because of you or your lack of interest. it's because your brother isn't paying attention to it.

you can only be responsible for yourself, not for him. tell him you're done reminding them. it's his job, you've got enough to worry about besides what he might or might not remember.


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## Halo (Dec 10, 2006)

SS8282 said:


> I know it's not my 'job' to remind him, but it's really for our parents that I do.



Hi SS8282,

Wow, reading your post and especially this part above, was like reading what always happens between my brother and I.  He forgets my parents birthdays, anniversary, fathers and mothers day and I always take it upon myself being the "good sister" to remind him of the days and what is happening, what to get them as gifts etc. as one year I did leave it up to him to plan Mother's Day and he never called and didn't show up.  I have never heard the end of it....even today.  So, I can totally relate to the "its not my job" but we do it for our parents really, it's not to save our brother's butts.

Anyway, just wanted to say from one sister to another, I can relate on the brother forgetting issue


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## SS8282 (Dec 11, 2006)

I wish I can call in sick, but it's right after work. 

Nancy, you *do* know what I mean. It's just not right that we have to save their sorry butts, in order to save our own. It's also not right that the women have to be the ones to remember all these special days. They have enough to worry about - kids, work, etc., especially when it's the men's parents who are having birthdays or anniversaries.

Oh, the date has been set for mom's bday dinner - this Thursday, so now everyone's happy. I told my SIL to tell my bro not to let mom know that I reminded them. She didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with me reminding them. I couldn't believe that I had to spell it out for her. Told her that it was important for mom to know that *he* remembered all by himself, because that means he *cares* enough. sigh...


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## Halo (Dec 11, 2006)

SS8282 said:


> I told my SIL to tell my bro not to let mom know that I reminded them. She didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with me reminding them. I couldn't believe that I had to spell it out for her. Told her that it was important for mom to know that *he* remembered all by himself, because that means he *cares* enough. sigh...



I can also relate to that completely.  Letting him take the credit for the idea, thought or suggestion for whatever occasion (even though we both know who really came up with it) just to show that he actually cares and that seems to keep Mom and Dad happy...grrrr...frustrating for me but keeps the peace and that is important.

Your not alone SS8282....at least there is one other sister out there who can relate


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## SS8282 (Dec 15, 2006)

You got it, Nancy. Almost anything to keep the peace. And also keep my sanity. I won't have to hear it from bro about why I didn't remind him, and from mom for how 'thoughtless' my bro is. 

Have to figure out when to take my parents out for their anniversary dinner. It has to be before January, because she'll be on a 'diet' to get ready for a second round of radiation.


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## Curious (Jan 7, 2016)

I have always been high strung because of the moment. I like takiing my pills for it and seem calm from being high strung. I now understand the words high strung and wonder why I get so emotional over what seems to be a misunderstanding of the moment. Something had to bring it on, the question is what? In my case it has to be my wifes Lymphedema. I wonder if it possible to love someone to much? There is nothing I can do to help her or her doctors, except get upset because of there slowness of something that might work. There that underlined sentence again. high strung


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## Daniel (Jan 7, 2016)

> In my case it has to be my wifes Lymphedem



That could be a large part of it, but it's probably not the only factor if you have an anxiety disorder.   In any case: 



> It takes a great deal of mental strength to handle not only caring for the patient (who may be someone you care about,) but also dealing with their own emotional struggles. It's only human for that to cause a great deal of stress....
> 
> *Spend Time With Friends*: One of the issues many caregivers have is they are so mentally tired after caregiving that they cut themselves off from others. Unfortunately that is one of the worst things you can do. Social support you get from the people you care about is one of the most important and simple treatments available for anxiety. Force yourself to see those you care about. It will keep your mind off things like mortality and focused on important positive feelings and emotions.
> 
> ...






> There is nothing I can do to help her or her doctors, except get upset because of there slowness of something that might work.



I had a horrible time when my partner had shoulder pain after falling off a ladder.  His shoulder problems went away eventually after the VA's delays to do surgery, etc, but I was not in "acceptance mode" as much as he was.    So that just made it worse for me.


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## Curious (Jan 7, 2016)

Daniel,
 In my case it's my wife and her Lymphedema. I like the second part about care giving. Great reading. high strung


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