# Denying/redefining terms because they're "negative"



## KFunk (Oct 1, 2011)

Hi, I've been having this very aggravating problem with my partner.  Whenever I feel that she's being a certain way, I try to communicate  that I don't like her behavior. When I do this, I use dictionary  definitions that I feel are accurate.

My problem is that she will fight me to the death on dictionary  definitions of certain words that are generally seen as negative.  "Ultimatum" "Manipulation" "Childish" and "Immature" are just a few.  When i say these words to express myself "I feel that you're giving me  an ultimatum, and that I have no say in this situation" or "I feel like  you were being very childish in that situation". Usually it's with these  negatively charged words that she refuses to define her behavior in the  way that the dictionary would. We'll then end up fighting about the  definition of the word. With me siding with the dictionary, and her  siding with her altered version of the dictionary that includes an  emotional response tagged on the end like "that's seen as negative,"  thus making all vocabulary subjective, and impossible for me to get her  to admit to her behavior, because it can be changed into whatever she  wants. Even the word "apology" takes on a new meaning with her: when I  say that her actions hurt me and that I'd like an apology, I get a  sympathetic response like "i'm sorry" that has nothing to do with  acknowledgement of wrongdoing or regret, the same way you'd say "i'm  sorry" to someone who lost a loved one.

I'd like to think that I'm not crazy, or being overly sensitive, but it  is extremely hard to communicate with her. I believe that it has  something to do with a big, but fragile, ego. A "bloated" but unstable  self-image.

Has anyone come across this kind of situation before? Know any glossary  terms that might help me do some research on the subject?


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## Yuray (Oct 1, 2011)

> I believe that it has something to do with a big, but fragile, ego. A "bloated" but unstable self-image.


Is this statement defining you or her?

 Dictionaries are a poor guide to expresing emotion, or as a base for argument. People are often intimidated by $10.00 words. Rather than use your fancy words (even if correctly spoken), use language that she understands.

Semantics shouldn't block the way to resolution.



> Know any glossary terms that might help me do some research on the subject?


Yes.    Transactional analysis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## making_art (Oct 2, 2011)

Hello KFunk,

Communication is the key to great relationships and unfortunately does not just come to us instinctively but rather is a learned skill.

Here is a great article that talks about how to communicate our feelings to our partners, friends or family and this takes practice!

*How toExpress Difficult Feelings *
Larry Allan Nadig, Ph.D.

*Feelings Versus Thoughts and Beliefs*
Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release. Whenever someone says, "I feel that..." the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling.

*Guidelines For Expressing Feelings*
Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.).

Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I am angry" means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a "little irritated".

When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when he first hears "I am angry with you", and he could miss the message.

If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating".

*Techniques for Expressing Feelings*
The two following *I feel statements* and *I messages* will help you:

Express feelings productively.
Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior.
Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person.
Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem.
Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.
When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.
Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation.

I feel statements are used in situations that are clear and fairly simple, when you what to express yourself and avoid a buildup of feelingswithout attacking or hurting the self-esteem of the other.
I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself and the other person just what you are feeling when a) you have difficult negative feelings, b) you confront someone and want them to change their behavior, and c) it is very sensitive and important that the other person accurately understand.
*I Feel Statements*
These statements take the form of "When you did that thingI felt this way. That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples:     

"I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies."
"I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked."
"I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary".
*I Messages*
It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is "I have a problem", while the essence of a You message is "You have a problem".

*There are four parts to an I message:*

When ... Describe the person’s behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful, and non-judgmental manner.
The effects are ... Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. (This is the most important part for the other person to understand - your reaction.)
I feel ... Say how you feel. (This is the most important part to prevent a buildup of feelings.)
I’d prefer ... Tell the person what you want or what you prefer they do. You can omit this part if it is obvious.
The order in which you express these parts is usually not important. Here are some examples:

" When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs."
"I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent."
"It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
"I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me."
*Common Mistakes*

Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment.
Sending a disguised You message.
Only expressing negative feelings.
The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
 Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful.

If you are having trouble coming up with more than 3 or 4 words for feelings, here is a Feelings Word List.


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## Daniel (Oct 2, 2011)

Also, more generally:



> This is the essence of the "systems" view of relationships...When we have relationship problems, no individual is solely at fault, and either person in the relationship can do something different to create a new "system" or pattern...
> 
> When something is happening in your relationship that you don't like, instead of analyzing your partner, friend, business colleague, etc., try doing something different.  Break up your part of the pattern and find out if that changes the other person's response.  If both of you are committed to making some changes, you can work on the patterns you will break together.  If no, you can still change your part of the pattern and usually make a difference in the relationship pattern.
> 
> ...


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## H011yHawkJ311yBean (Oct 2, 2011)

Instead of saying manipulation, and instead of saying you got the word from the dictionary, just explain, for example instead of saying "Childish" show instead of tell...

"When I saw that the dishes weren't done after you told me they would be done, and I asked you about it, why did you cry?" instead of saying "When I asked you why you didn't do the dishes, I felt you reacted very childishly."

She seems _very_ artful, however, in the way she can twist around any definition (and I am assuming, has her own interpretations to events that you and other people have different interpretations) to suit her own needs to win an argument.  Usually this sets off red flags for _me_ that a person is very good at manipulation and creates their own reality despite the actual world showing her up with evidence contrary to hers...  So maybe the real questions about these things could be answered in couples therapy...  Like "Why is it so important that you win the argument?"  "Why do you always feel that you have to be right and in control of every situation?"  "Why do you seem to lack the ability to see another person's point of view?"


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## Daniel (Oct 2, 2011)

> "When I saw that the dishes weren't done after you told me they would be done, and I asked you about it, why did you cry?" instead of saying "When I asked you why you didn't do the dishes, I felt you reacted very childishly."



Yeah, words like "childish" and "immature" are judgements.  No one likes to feel judged.  And if they feel they are being judged, their ego defenses will be activated and you will get nowhere fast.

---------- Post added at 04:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------

Some more general info: 



> The essentials of Good Communication are (EAR):
> 
> _Empathy:_ Acknowledge the other person's feelings and find some truth in what he or she is saying. This can be disarming to the other person and really take the wind out of their sails.
> 
> ...





> When you buy into or dwell on these thoughts, what effect does it have on your relationship?
> 
> http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptan...piness-trap-and-act-with-love.html#post151891




---------- Post added at 04:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:16 PM ----------




KFunk said:


> and impossible for me to get her to admit to her behavior



Are you trying to see things from her perspective? Because if you are, you may already know why she isn't apologizing.

---------- Post added at 04:50 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:29 PM ----------




> I believe that it has something to do with a big, but fragile, ego. A "bloated" but unstable self-image.



It seems part of the reason you want an apology is because you feel she is hurting _your_ ego.  

In other words, are the communication difficulties in your relationship all her fault?  Why does anyone have to be to blame?

It seems you are comparing your partner to other people, thinking that most women, including other women you have known, would be more receptive to the same criticism.   And, for all I know, that may be true.  But for resolving issues, it seems more helpful to see everyone on the same continuum, e.g. even marriage counselors get defensive sometimes in their relationships.


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