# I'm here again



## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

I want to be left alone and yet, I feel alone.  So I'm stuck in an impossible situation.  That's about as much as I can explain right now.  I can't stop crying about life in general all the while appreciating that others have had a lot more to complain about.  Which brings me back to feeling selfish, callous...blah, blah.

I'm tired of the internal debating, I'm tired of trying to pull out, I'm essentially tired of caring about much of anything.


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## Always Changing (Aug 2, 2009)

Jazzey you are not selfish and uncaring, you are going through a rough period right now and it's okay to cry it out, I wish I had some words of comfort for you but all I can offer you is an understanding ear and some cyber :hug: 

:hug: :hug: you will get through this my friend I know you will.


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

AC...I really wish you weren't so nice to me   :hug::hug:


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## NicNak (Aug 2, 2009)

I understand the feeling of thinking I am selfish, callous etc for how I feel when I have these bad thoughts.

I just got through a two week bout of them myself :blush:

I am sorry you are suffering with this too, Jazzey.  I always try to remind myself that the rough waves do pass and if I can hold on a bit longer I will go on a "good run" again.

Do you have good bouts too, where you feel optimistic at times?  Those are the days I remember when I am feeling as you are now.  I try to remember the little moments in recent times that took my breath away.  

I know you are strong Jazzey.  These bad thoughts confuse our minds into thinking otherwise.  Always try to remember, there will be better days ahead.  

I am sorry you are suffering with this right now.  My heart goes out to you.  It sure is not a good feeling, that is for sure.

:support:


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

:hug: :hug::heart: thanks NN.


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## why (Aug 2, 2009)

I understand about those internal debates :hug: :hug:


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

Thanks Why  :hug::hug:


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## Banned (Aug 2, 2009)

Totally hear ya, Jazzey, and I understand what it's like to be in "that head space".

You're taking antidepressants, right?  When do you see your therapist next?


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## Cat Dancer (Aug 2, 2009)

I hope you will take this with the good intention that I mean with it, but I think you should consider hospitalization. This seems to be happening a lot and maybe a few days in the hospital would help you get stablized. 

:hug:


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

Thanks CD.  No worries, I'd never get offended by anything you'd have to say.  And you're not the first one to suggest this option.  For right now, I'd like to sort this on my own.   (yes, I'm pigheaded too  )

Thanks CD :hug:


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## Fiver (Aug 2, 2009)

*Jazzey*, I think *Cat Dancer* is right, and here's why:

You've been wonderfully articulating your recent introspection and I've been reading your insightful thoughts in response to threads started by other members. But right now, you're not able to think in a rational or objective way about your _own_ self-worth.

Look, let's say I was in the same head-space you are at this very moment. We're there together, and we learn of each others' distress at the same time and place. Because you and I are both extremely so smartable when it comes to reasons _other_ people should stay for the whole movie, you send me a private message. I send you one. Neither of us knows the other is listing rational reasons for NOT ending it, along with reasons why we each deserve to have someone help us through this very turbulent patch. We shoot those babies off to each other, because we are both very rational when it comes to having empathy and natural compassion for others.

You know damn well those private messages will be nearly identical.

You're not thinking rationally about your own well-being and self-worth. I'd rather you consider placing yourself somewhere safe where you can get help while this rough patch is kicking your butt -- for my own selfish reasons as well as all of the reasons that you and I would have matched in our list.

Cousin Pighead, you are just as deserving of help and compassion as everyone else is, even though you'd argue the point with me if you said what you feel, instead of what you copied from "Things to Say to Prove Fiver Wrong (Even Though What I'm Feeling Inside is Different.") I have that very same book -- with a slightly different title.

Gotta trust me on this one, okay? You deserve to feel good again, just like anyone else.


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

...you're not playing fair Fiver  

:heart: :hug:

But thank you


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## Jazzey (Aug 2, 2009)

Ok...Can I just say that I'm not doing anything right now.

I'm sorry if I caused anyone any distressed.  I'm just tired right now and feeling sad.  

...and most of all, thank you.   I'm logging off for the night - bath and bed.  Thank you.


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## ladylore (Aug 2, 2009)

Have a great night.:support:


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## Fiver (Aug 2, 2009)

There is no need for you to apologize for any concern we may feel.  If I'm concerned, it's because I choose to be concerned about someone I think is worthy of my attention. I think you're pretty far into your head right now and that's a rough place to escape (if it has the same layout as my head does, anyway.) Don't burden yourself with guilt for anybody's feelings here, okay?

I hope you can get some rest tonight. If you come back online, I'll be around.


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## Always Changing (Aug 2, 2009)

Thinking of you Jazzey,  
and you too Fiver.. 

take care both of you.
:hug: hug:


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## suewatters1 (Aug 2, 2009)

Jazzey what you are going through is serious business.  You are not selfish or callous.
You have a good reason to want a good cry.

You said:


> I can't stop crying about life in general all the while appreciating that others have had a lot more to complain about



I had times like that then I realize what I am going through is just as serious as what other people are going through.
It might be a different disease or problem but they are equally as serious.
Don't for get it will be a year soon since your attack.  That is weighting heavily on your mine.
If you are thinking of suicide at anytime you have to go get help immediately. You are one of the greatest person in the world.  Remember that.
We value your help and input.

Sue


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

Thank you Sue.

And sorry everyone.  I actually got rid of everything a while back now.  So while the thoughts are there, I no longer have anything.  

Again, sorry for distressing anyone.  I will be ok.  Just really tired right now and have waaaay too many thoughts spinning in my head.

Additionally, I have 2 very close friends in my life who've lost close family members to suicide.  So I can't.


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## Into The Light (Aug 3, 2009)

> I can't stop crying about life in general all the while appreciating that others have had a lot more to complain about


i'm not sure that this is a fair assessment. you have been through a _lot_, jazzey. you're dealing with real trauma. no one's life is easy, i agree with that, but please don't minimize or dismiss your pain by trying to compare it to others. it's ok to feel how you do, don't add guilt to the mix :hug:


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

Thanks ITL.  I just get angry at times.  Yesterday was just another temper tantrum because I don't want to think about this stuff anymore.  Every time that I think I'm making progress, that I'm smiling just a little more, something else comes back to remind me about it.  I want to be in a place where he's absolutely not a part of any of my thoughts.  What's that 80's song "there's always something there to remind me"...

Generally speaking though, minus the rape, I have a pretty darn good life.  And I heard every word ITL.  Thank you :hug::hug:


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

Turtle said:


> Totally hear ya, Jazzey, and I understand what it's like to be in "that head space".
> 
> You're taking antidepressants, right?  When do you see your therapist next?




Sorry Turtle, I didn't answer your questions last night because I didn't want to lie to you and I'm embarrassed about being so irresponsible.

So Q1:  No, Q2: I don't have any other appointments with her and the wait time is usually about 4 to 6 weeks.  I tried to make another appointment on Friday but they don't book on Fridays.  I'll call tomorrow.

Sorry Turtle - I know you probably figured out what my answers were any way but, like I said, I felt that I'd dismissed you - not because of you though.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 3, 2009)

> Q1: No



Why not? And for how long?


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

David Baxter said:


> Why not? And for how long?



I don't know.  I just feel resentful, they're right here in front of me and I just don't take them anymore.

July 12th.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 3, 2009)

I thought you had restarted.

I'm going to be blunt. You are depressed, angry, overwhelmed, anxious, hopeless, and at times suicidal. I know this isn't fun. I know you don't enjoy feeling this way.

So why are you punishing yourself by not taking medication that can help alleviate or at least lessen the intensity of these feelings?

I use the term "punishing yourself" here intentionally and deliberately: You are punishing yourself for what happened to you. The rapist wins again. Your family (especially your mother) wins again. With your full cooperation. You are allowing them to win by doing everything you can to ensure that you don't start to feel better or move on.

You are like someone grieving who will not allow herself to do anything that might bring a moment's relief from the pain.


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## suewatters1 (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes Jazzey Dr Baxter is totally right
Yes why are you punishing yourself?

Sue


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

> I thought you had restarted.



That was my intention.  I forgot the first night and then I didn't.

Thank you Dr. Baxter.  What you wrote makes sense.

Hi Sue - I don't think this is done consciously.  I think Dr. Baxter is spot on.  But I'm not sure that this is consciously done.  I am really angry with myself right now, but I can't pin it to anything concrete that I've done, not done etc.


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## suewatters1 (Aug 3, 2009)

Ok thanks for the explanations Jazzey.

You take Care

Sue


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## Always Changing (Aug 3, 2009)

to add to what Dr B has said Jazzey, 
I don't think anyone here can pass me out in the anti med race,(only in relation to myself)
but! I have figured out that I was my own worst enemy by maintaining my stance on not takeing meds, hence I was hospitalised a few times, suicidal a lot of the time etc etc..  
I am now on  meds despite my reservations and the side effects.. I still don't like taking them but who said I had to like it.
I am at least trying to give them a shot.. 
You are not doing yourself any favours Jazzey, just like I wasn't, I hope you can see this and maybe try as I am trying to give them another go.
What have you to lose??

---------- Post added at 07:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:14 PM ----------




> I am really angry with myself right now, but I can't pin it to anything concrete that I've done, not done etc.


Jazzey maybe you are not angry with yourself?  
you have a lot to be angry about but I wonder if it is others you could be angry with. 

I really hope you can get back into therapy sessions again soon.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 3, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> That was my intention.  I forgot the first night and then I didn't.
> 
> Thank you Dr. Baxter.  What you wrote makes sense.
> 
> Hi Sue - I don't think this is done consciously.  I think Dr. Baxter is spot on.  But I'm not sure that this is consciously done.  I am really angry with myself right now, but I can't pin it to anything concrete that I've done, not done etc.



I'm sure it's not done consciously. You're angry with yourself for "allowing" these things to happen to you. That's an emotional reaction to something that intellectually you know full well is irrational. You didn't "allow" those things to happen to you. Those things were done to you against your will.

But it's not enough to pay lip service to this by acknowledging that it's probably true.

Stop looking at that bottle and take one of your doses of medication. Do it now before you talk yourself out of it. It's not going to change how you feel immediately but the sooner you start the sooner it can start to help.


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

I thought about this question alot AC.  And I may be a little angry with a few people.  But the anger I have towards them doesn't come close to the anger I feel towards myself.  But again, I can't pin the anger to anything.  The only thought: "why can't you defend yourself with people".  But even then, that's pretty weak.


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## Jazzey (Aug 3, 2009)

> Stop looking at that bottle and take one of your doses of medication. Do it now before you talk yourself out of it. It's not going to change how you feel immediately but the sooner you start the sooner it can start to help.



Done.

And thanks again Dr. Baxter.


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## Always Changing (Aug 3, 2009)

Jazzey, 
I have an alarm set on my cell phone to remind me to take mine, only for it I know I would have forgotten lots of times.  Can you set some kind of reminder for yourself in case you forget? 

I am not going to tell you to not be angry at yourself because that would be hypocritical of me, because I was so angry at myself  at the time, what I can say is that I can relate to that feeling and I dare say a lot of your thinking around it,   with help from your therapist you can redirect that anger to where it truly belongs, it was very hard for me to do this, it took time and effort but eventually it did happen.

I am sorry you are experiencing this  :hug:


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## SoSo (Aug 4, 2009)

hi jazzey, 
i am sorry that you are in this space right now, or were, just trying to read posts.  i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better.  i agree with what dr. b. said, just took my prozac i have refused to take for 2 weeks as i 'crashed n' burned' last night so by you posting this you have helped me, so thank you.  if nothing else i can do, which isn't much, can this little ole' granny give you a big caring hug:hug: and say i hope someday, soon, it won't be this way for you.
soso:hide:


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## Banned (Aug 4, 2009)

Jazzey said:


> Sorry Turtle, I didn't answer your questions last night because I didn't want to lie to you and I'm embarrassed about being so irresponsible.
> 
> So Q1: No, Q2: I don't have any other appointments with her and the wait time is usually about 4 to 6 weeks. I tried to make another appointment on Friday but they don't book on Fridays. I'll call tomorrow.
> 
> Sorry Turtle - I know you probably figured out what my answers were any way but, like I said, I felt that I'd dismissed you - not because of you though.


 
No worries, Jazzey.  I didn't feel dismissed at all.  I'm very much in the same place as you - off meds and fighting it.  I'm hearing what David is saying to you, and trying to apply it to me as well.  I'm glad you've started to take them again.  You deserve to be better.


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## ladylore (Aug 4, 2009)

You both do. :2thumbs:


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## NicNak (Aug 4, 2009)

Hi Jazzey.  I set my watch alarm to go off at 10pm every evening (my meds are to be taken before bed) that reminds me to take them.

If it is a morning medication schedule maybe take it when you are doing something you do every morning, like before  brushing your teeth.

When I first started taking meds, I baught one of those day to day pill boxes and left it on the dining room table,  which was a place I would often pass and notice.

I try to not put too much conscientious thought into that I am taking medication or an anti depressant.  I am aware of the side effects etc.  but daily I think of it like taking a "one a day vitamin"  I just take it.

You are in my thoughts Jazzey :support:


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## Jazzey (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks everyone. 

Soso, I'm happy that you're taking your medication again, and I'll gladly take that hug - :hug:

Turtle, I'm sorry that you're there right now.  Hang on and take good care of yourself. :hug:

And thank you LL and NN :hug:


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## Banned (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks Jazzey.

I hope you can find your way out of this terrible place you're in.  Were you able to get another app't with your therapist?  Will you take your meds again tomorrow?  Do you have a good support network in place?  I really want you to be well.  You're a kind soul and deserve peace and happiness.  You need to do your part though (ie attend therapy, take your meds, and reach out when needed).


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## Jazzey (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks Turtle.  I've taken the medication tonight and do plan on continuing.   I haven't yet booked an appointment yet though - I got busy at work today and I forgot.  But I am planning on doing all those things. And, no alcohol.  

Thanks Turtle - I hope you find your place too.  Thank you for reaching out to me when you're in that place yourself.  I want you to be happy too Turtle, you're also a good soul who's deserving of feeling good very soon! :hug:


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## Banned (Aug 4, 2009)

I'm glad to hear that, Jazzey.  I hope you'll make that app't tomorrow.

I'm doing ok.  I'm not depressed or suicidal right now, in the way I have been in the past.  I'm just resisting meds and have gone off them as well.  But I'm doing ok.  

I just need you to get to that happy place that you so deserve.


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## Jazzey (Aug 4, 2009)

...so miss pot / kettle, when are you going back on the meds?  Or are you just waiting to get back to that dark spot? (ok, that was meant to be gentle sarcasm)


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## Banned (Aug 4, 2009)

You weren't supposed to notice that


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## Jazzey (Aug 4, 2009)

Ok, notice what? :hug:


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## Banned (Aug 4, 2009)

Good.  Let's leave it at that.  I've been yelled at enough today.  

"Back to your regularly scheduled programming regarding Jazzey"


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## HBas (Aug 5, 2009)

Hey Jazzey, :wave4:

Have not been on PL for a while - really bussy all around but happy to see you all still support each other in such an awesome way!

You have always been in my thoughts and my wish for you is good health, physically and mentally! Hope you are doing much much better and that every day passing now will take you one step closer to the happiness you deserve! :2thumbs:

TOY
HB :hug:


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