# Relationships with depression, anxiety and low self esteem



## UK guy (Mar 6, 2018)

Hi all

I’m not sure where to start really but have you ever been told your ‘belief system is all wrong’? I’m soon to be thirty five years old and I’ve had avoidance issues for the majority of my adult life. I avoid things that make me anxious or are out of my comfort zone (which are most things lol) whether that be going abroad on holiday (I’ve developed agoraphobia), driving in unfamiliar places or on motor ways / freeways and I’ve not really had a real relationship because of it. 

Anyway, the reason I’m reaching out to yourselves is because I’ve recently started speaking to a colleague at work who has expressed an interest in dating me.  I’ve been in situations previously where a girl has asked me out and I always sabotage myself. I completely and utterly believe I have nothing to offer anyone. I don’t own a car (I can drive but I have panic attacks), I still live at home with my parents, my job doesn’t particularly pay well, I have anxiety which then leads to depression so I’m not exactly a fun guy to be around and so I see myself as a burden to someone else in a relationship and so I don’t pursue them (this in turn hurts because it’s another wasted opportunity and I realise I’m wasting the best years of my life). I told all this to a counsellor, she looked at me for a moment and said, “Your belief system is all wrong”.

How can that be though? To me it makes perfect sense. I don’t want to burden anyone else and I’d feel terrible if I did so. Like I’m keeping them captive when they could be with someone else who can do or the normal things couples can do, is fun, happy etc

Anyone else feel the same way? I can’t see it any other way. Please don’t mistake this as fishing for compliments (my self esteem is horrendously poor so people saying nice things doesn’t really work with me lol) but it’d be nice to know if anyone else feels the same. I feel like such a freak. 

Thank you for reading.  

UK Guy


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## David Baxter PhD (Mar 6, 2018)

UK guy said:


> I told all this to a counsellor, she looked at me for a moment and said, “Your belief system is all wrong”.
> 
> How can that be though? To me it makes perfect sense.



It's not necessarily the case that EVERYTHING you believe is wrong but it's highly unlikely the EVERYTHING you believe is correct.

The real question - and part of the solution - is what is the evidence for everything you believe about yourself? You believe it, you accept it - when do you challenge it? If someone were to make the kinds of statements about someone else that you make about yourself, would you believe them? Would you accept them blindly? Or would you ask for or seek evidence to determine how true or fales they were?

See the articles posted here at Cognitive Behavior Therapy :: CBT and especially:


The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking
Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking
Daily Mood Log





UK guy said:


> I don’t want to burden anyone else and I’d feel terrible if I did so. Like I’m keeping them captive when they could be with someone else who can do or the normal things couples can do, is fun, happy etc



Who should make that decision, though? If your colleague is interested in dating you, should you assume she's out of her mind and just say no in order to to save her? Or if she is willing to take that risk, should it not be her decision (assuming this is something that could be pleasant for you as well)?

Alternatively, who would you be trying to save? Her or you?


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## Daniel (Mar 6, 2018)

A small example: My husband has bipolar disorder and is usually "the life of the party." Since being with him, I have been to numerous parties that I would have never been willing to go to before.

 So the relationship itself can be the agent of change you need. My whole family was shocked how much I changed since meeting him.  I went from years of unemployment to working part time to full time and then overtime.


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