# Don?t Be Afraid To Be Alone



## David Baxter PhD (Apr 25, 2009)

Don?t Be Afraid To Be Alone
by Melissa Karnaze 
February 19, 2009

We live in a world that is increasingly connected. But whenever we gain something, we lose something as well.

The more we connect, the less time we have for solitude.

*Who Wants To Be Alone?*
Being alone is different from being lonely. And technically you are never alone because even when it?s just you?you have yourself to talk to!

Being alone is a necessary part of being human. In order to discover who you are, unbury your true passions, and embark on the journey of self-actualizing, you have to find your own answers, all by yourself. 

No one can tell you what makes your heart sing. No one can show you what you need in order to be happy. No amount of connection you have with spiritually enlightened, genuinely caring, or incredibly bright people can substitute the inward journey you must make in order to find your true path in life.

You need peace and quiet to start this journey. You need isolation. Patience. Maybe even meditation. 

You need to do it alone. This journey is only for those brave enough to go within. 

*But Humans Are Social, Right?*
Connecting with others is also a necessary part of being human. But it has its place. And it has its time. 

In his thought-provoking article, _The End of Solitude_, William Deresiewicz warns us that in our Web 2.0 culture, the need to connect with others is taking over. It leaves us no room for solitude, which is absolutely crucial to us because it ?enables us to the secure the integrity of the self as well to explore it.? 

The contemporary self, he says, wants two things: celebrity and connectivity. This is because the contemporary self is fixated on becoming as visible as possible (which he explains has to do with the alienating effects of suburbanization.) This is also because the contemporary self can only define itself as it relates to others. 

Sure, we sometimes we need to look to others to see who we are. Our universe can be our mirror if we pay enough attention to the patterns in our life. But we cannot rely solely on others to show us who we are and who we want to be. They are not qualified to do so. And they cannot give us the answers that we can only get from going within.

*But Isn?t Internet Connection A Good Thing?*
The internet is changing the world for the better. But Deresiewicz sees it becoming too much of a good thing. 

Too much internet magnifies the human impulse to look outwardly for what can only be found within. That impulse is also known as codependency, or believing that something outside of ourselves holds the key to our happiness, or the key to our worth. 

Deresiewicz says: 

_?A constant stream of mediated contact, virtual, notional, or simulated, keeps us wired to the electronic hive?The goal now, it seems, is simply to become known, to turn oneself into a sort of miniature celebrity.?_​More and more of us are becoming concerned with the number of Facebook friends or Twitter followers we have. And that if we don?t check our e-mail every ten minutes, we will miss out on something important.

_?Visibility secures our self-esteem, becoming a substitute, twice removed, for genuine connection. Not long ago, it was easy to feel lonely. Now, it is impossible to be alone.?_​*Don?t Be Afraid To Be Alone*
For you to become more mindful of the constructs you create in your life - the values you live by and the belief systems you operate from - you need to spend some quality alone time.

You need to invest in your relationship with yourself. It will make you more available in all of your other relationships. It will make those relationships more valuable.

Solitude allows you to go into the world, or onto the web, with a strong sense of you who are. It allows you to connect with others in meaningful ways. Solitude helps you to become who you are, and share your story with others. So don?t be afraid to sit still and listen. 

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 25, 2009)

Solitude helps you find who you are inside thus hopefully giving you more control of your life, your emotions, your reactions to others.  I hope i am taking this right.  Control is so important to me. mary


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## Jackie (Apr 25, 2009)

Its ok to be alone sometimes everyone needs that but I think being alone too much, isolated too much can have psychological damage, connecting is important, touch and interaction are important as are hugs and conversation. They use lsolation as a form of torture in some countries and the affect on people is devasting. I think its all about getting the right balance.


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## David Baxter PhD (Apr 25, 2009)

Mary said:


> Solitude helps you find who you are inside thus hopefully giving you more control of your life, your emotions, your reactions to others.



I don't think it's about control, really. It's more about self-knowledge and self-growth and self-confidence. Many people are afraid to be alone, often because they've never really experienced it, and, like silence, they find it unsettling.

It's one of the benefits of learning about meditation, I think - learning that just being still and totally in the present frees you. It isn't necessary to fill up every second of your life with hustle and bustle.



shuttered3 said:


> Its ok to be alone sometimes everyone needs that but I think being alone too much, isolated too much can have psychological damage, connecting is important, touch and interaction are important as are hugs and conversation. They use lsolation as a form of torture in some countries and the affect on people is devasting. I think its all about getting the right balance.



Definitely.


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## forgetmenot (Apr 26, 2009)

Thank you Shutter 3 for your insight and i think i understand about the being alone part now.  I sometime am not comfortable being alone as the mind takes over but at other times i like the solitude it brings.  thanks mary


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## kimmy (Apr 26, 2009)

you are never alone because even when it?s just you; you have yourself to talk to !


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## mindfulconstruct (Apr 26, 2009)

Thanks for reading guys. I enjoyed writing this blog post because solitude is an important part of my life.  

I really recommend reading Deresiewicz's article, and listening to the radio interview he did, which elaborates on the article -- both are linked to on the original post. 

Deresiewicz's article talks about some very important points, especially what David mentioned as the need to "fill up every second of your life with hustle and bustle." That need can easily become a compulsion in our society. 



David Baxter said:


> I don't think it's about control, really. It's more about self-knowledge and self-growth and self-confidence.



For me solitude is very much about self-knowledge and self-growth. 

But sometimes, it can be about control too. If my life feels like it's out of control or I am spiraling into stress mode -- sometimes the only way I can "regain control" is through solitude, or sitting still and listening to my inner dialogues. It's like an anchor point for me to take inventory on what I am doing, and what I want to be doing, so that instead of wading around being driven by fears, I'm actually choosing my steps.


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## SoSo (Apr 27, 2009)

I really like this...especially the very end 'don't be afraid to sit still and listen' 
Thanks for the post.
SoSo:turtle4:


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