# I just keep sinking



## Lonewolf (May 19, 2014)

My mood is sinking lower!! Just don't seem to be able to pull myself out of it! I feel like I'm falling down a dark, bottomless hole and im trying to grab onto anything I can to stop it, but no matter how hard I try, I keep falling! No one to catch me,  no one to reach for me!! Deeper and darker!! I don't understand why I feel like this, I can't think of any one thing that's happened or changed lately?? 
Please help me? Im trying to hold on, but there's nothing to cling on to!! 
I need to give everything i own to people that need it much more than i do! I don't deserve it!!
I am so sorry, i can't apologise enough!! (I can apologise forever and still not feel as if it was enough) 
I really don't know why??


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## Harebells (May 19, 2014)

*Re: just keep sinking!*

Really sorry you're struggling so much Lonewolf. It's frustrating sometimes that we can't be there for each other in person, I wish I could sit and hold your hand for a while! (But it's good that we get to make some kind of connection and meet in some form too) I don't know what to say but I do understand and you are cared for here. I know it's so frustrating when your mood crashes for no apparent reason so you don't know how to stop it happening, I really do get that. You don't need to apologise for anything, that feeling is part of the illness, I know it feels real though. Is there someone you would feel ok to call to stay with you for a while? Would it help to go to A&E? Hugs xxxxx


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## forgetmenot (May 19, 2014)

*Re: just keep sinking!*

Talking to a crisis line has help me to stop the spiraling downward feelings   Just talking to a real voice hun it does help   Please use that line ok just to talk they will listen and care
You are not alone in your feelings we all have been there and i am sorry you are struggling   hugs


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## GDPR (May 20, 2014)

*Re: just keep sinking!*

Sorry you're having such a rough time Lonewolf.

Just keep holding on though,and call a crisis line,like forgetmenot said,so you can hear an actual persons voice.


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## Lonewolf (May 20, 2014)

*Re: just keep sinking!*

Why? Oh!  Why?  im still as miserable as ever!!! just no end to it!!! I don't even have the energy to pretend anymore!!
I need to pull myself together,  but I just don't have an ounce of enthusiasm,  rhyme or reason!! 
I feel like I want to give up!! But I think some of us are on this planet just to suffer, to pick ourselves up, just to be knocked down again!! Again and again!!
Im not even suicidle anymore, ive gone past that now! Feel like im lost inside myself, I don't care anymore!! Ive gone beyond any pain thresholds I have ever had!! I don't really understand why I ever tried to allow myself to feel these feelings, sometimes I think I Was better off not feeling them!! Now I feel them, what can I do with them?


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## Harebells (May 20, 2014)

*Re: just keep sinking!*

I'm so sorry hon, it's so unfair, you don't deserve to be suffering all this pain and to still have to be waiting for proper help. Just to reiterate what the others were saying, phoning helplines can be a really good thing to do. I think you've said before that you're not comfortable talking on the phone with strangers and I can understand that it's really daunting, especially in a situation were you're already feeling vulnerable, but the people on the helplines know this and understand how hard it is and they're trained to help you. It doesn't solve anything as such but can take the edge off - when we're so upset it's really a need to have someone there who can comfort us and hear us. If you phone and it doesn't feel right with who you get you can just hang up and try again. Sorry if it sounds like I'm being pushy and it's something you really don't want to do, you know what's helpful for you and what isn't of course. It sounds like you need a rest though rather than needing to 'pull yourself together'. Sorry I wish I knew better how to say something that would help. You are in my thoughts and I hope you feel better soon and somehow find some healing xxx


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## forgetmenot (May 21, 2014)

*Re: just keep sinking!*

You acknowledge what they are hun just feeling emotions and then move on keep yourself busy  ok  do something that keeps you in present tense   Art  taking pictures  writing do somthing to keep your mind  here and now    The emotions are just that  they can't hurt you  so just say there is that dam sadness again need to get me busy so it does not overwhelm me  hugs to you


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## Lonewolf (May 21, 2014)

These stupid emotions are far more wounding that any S/H I have ever done and ive done quite serious ones in the past!!!
My biggest fear in the world is losing my sanity and when i allow myself to feel these nasty ones, I am so frightened that they will push me over the edge!! 
When i lived with my family as a child, one of my brothers was diagnosed with a schizophrenic type illness and he did some very scary things that are stuck in my memory! I didn't understand what this was at the time, I was about 7 or 8 years old!! He involved my sister and I in his imaginary world to the point were he would hurt us because he got jealous of us being with these imaginary people!! I still haven't got to grips with any of that!! He used to scream and shout at people he could see out of the window!! I never knew whether to say I could see them or not just avoid being hurt!! My dad had been knocked to the floor on several occasions and I witnessed that too!!! Im still so confused by it!! But having seen this and to have been so young and frightened, I have always been petrified that I might be the same one day!!! 
Please understand that I have never spoken of this and this is the main reason I try avoid letting myself feel emotions!!! I'm sorry!


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## forgetmenot (May 21, 2014)

Believe me i do understand  i have many siblings with schizophrenia  and it is very scarey to observe when they did not have medication to help them 

The thing is  just because your brother has that illness does not mean you will have it ok  

 Your emotions are there for a reason to tell you that  you are suffering  but there is help  crisis lines being one of them, the people on the other end can and will give you direction where to reach out for community care that is available to you.

You need therapy to heal from the past  to get some change to the way you see things  and feel 

   Yes emotions can be hard to deal with  but they cannot harm you  self harm is harming you physically   the emotions are from a long time ago and they can be handled with right therapy


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## Lonewolf (May 21, 2014)

I don't have any access to therapy to deal with this and the abuse therapy doesn't start for a while yet!! There isn't any way to sort this out!! Its impossible! This is why I use these forums!! I have tried to find someone to help me with it all, but no one will help!! No matter what I do!
S/H is my only vent! And when Im not S/Hing as a way to survive,  I get depressed, often suicidal! I get trapped!

---------- Post Merged at 03:03 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:23 PM ----------

Apologies,  I know how defeatist that sounds! It's where I am!! :facepalm:


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## Harebells (May 21, 2014)

Thanks for sharing with us what happened with your brother Lonewolf, it does sound so frightening,and you were so young at the time, it must been really confusing and painful. I know you really need help right now and the thought of things happening in the future might not help much but you have survived so much and kept yourself going for so long already, hopefully the wait for therapy will be over soon, or at least the longest part of waiting is done now. I do understand you really need the help now but it will come, and I hope coming here and other forums helps you in the mean time, you're not alone.

I don't think it sounds defeatist, you're surviving the best you can in the circumstances. You're a survivor xxx

---------- Post Merged at 09:27 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:07 PM ----------

...How are things with your brother now? (how is he and how is your relationship with him?) Was his illness explained to you when you were children?....Only if you want to talk about it x


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## forgetmenot (May 21, 2014)

Have you talked to the crisis line  have you ask them to help you find a community based program  if they cannot help they still can talk to you ok  they can help you in that they listen ok the  do listen  and they care  if they did not care they would not volunteer their time  hugs


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## Lonewolf (May 26, 2014)

:apologetic::hopelessness::sorry::tearyeyed:!!!!!!!!!!


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## forgetmenot (May 26, 2014)

:cat3::heart::star::support::hug::grouphug4:


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## W00BY (May 27, 2014)

You need to focus on that start (of your therapy) and not see it as "far away" ... but instead where you are headed....My fathers schizophrenic episodes were so bad that for a long time both me and my sister worried about being "like" him but the very fact you can see the differences and know the differences means that you are not "the same". And your worry about this is totally normal give your experiences as described.

Prep for you therapy get ready for it...think about what worries you (not so as to overwhelm yourself but what you can cope with)..what you want to talk about first...what you hope to gain from it...when this all started for you and why you feel now as you do...

Thinking about what worries us actually takes away the power that worry has over us...I have not been on here for ages and I can see a massive difference in your ability to discuss and explain your issues...that is not easy...well done and keep going!


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## Lonewolf (May 27, 2014)

I don't mean to sound angry or aggressive,  but why do people keep referring to how helpful therapy will be when I have NO ACCESS to therapy at all!! The rape counselling is in the DISTANT future! 
I'm on my own with all this rubbish, I'm just not strong enough to carry it around all the time! 
I have tried to get help but NO ONE will take me on!! I have a good GP, but she is limited to how she can help me because she isn't trained in mental health! She keeps referring me to the mental health services and they just turn me away, every time!!! Apparently my illness is not curable and I have to live with it, maybe even die because of it!!! And it's been close to that several times! The thing that gets me is that I have been told that if I am successful in one of my attempts it would be seen as me moving on,  as a positive!! 
I suppose it would be for them???
Again I apologise for any anger that comes from this, but ive reached the end of my tether trying to sort myself out! It just ain't happening!!! I am so distraught at the moment and I wish I could just cease to exist!  They'd be happier,  you guys would be better off and maybe...I would be happier too??
Sorry! It's all just so painful, if I wasn't so angry, I would be a useless, quaking, tearful mess the whole time!!


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## forgetmenot (May 27, 2014)

> The thing that gets me is that I have been told that if I am successful  in one of my attempts it would be seen as me moving on,  as a positive!!
> I suppose it would be for them???[



I don't understand how they can say this   no one is not cured of anything one learns to deal with the sadness and the pain  and there are many many topics here that can help you deal with the overwhelming confusion and sadness.    One is to learn breathing techniques  when you  feel overwhelmed  there is a video here that shows you how to breath to take the anxiety away.   The sadness talk to your gp get on some medication to help with depression    I am sorry you have to wait so long for the councelling It is not fair i hear you  and it is hard to fight alone    If posting here helps you then keep posting ok   but try to access the learning material here on forum the videos that will help you now  hugs


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## Lonewolf (May 27, 2014)

I have done DBT and that was years ago, but I have always felt that the DBT courses were there so that the mental health workers didn't have to do any work when it came to us with BPD!! Before this came about, the mental health workers helped us deal with the route causes to our illnesses and problems!! They don't do that now, its thrown back at us to do the work that they are still being paid for! I suppose DBTdoesn't work for everyone,  but we are never told of any alternatives! It's always 'use the skills', but if they don't work its your own fault!! Get on with it? Or not?
Deepest apologies for this, I'm kinda angry with the world and his wife!! I have tried so hard to cope and at the end of the day no one really gives a hoot wether I live or die, it won't effect anybody at all!! Totally insignificant!  Most people won't even care!! One less person to bug them!!
I don't mean to 'dis' DBT this is my experience and opinion!  It works for alot of people, but not everyone!


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## Mari (May 27, 2014)

You are not on your own but you cannot just pull yourself out of it either. You could start by making a list of every available resource available to you. Forgetmenot has started the list for you with the resources on this forum and your GP who can not only help with medication but can listen and help you access the resources you need. My therapist is still on sick leave but with the help of my GP I have access to other resources until she returns. Your GP does not have to be specifically trained in mental health to help you get the help you need. Anger is a very big issue for me and I plan to talk with the therapist I am seeing today about it. I could let you know how that goes - hopefully I will learn something helpful.:support:


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## MHealthJo (May 27, 2014)

Sorry it is ongoing for you at the moment LW.

Just wondering, how much have you recently read self-help books or threads with tools here, and applying the advice consistently, Lonewolf?

 Books offer a lot of ideas and advice and there are a lot of useful modalities other than DBT.

At the end of the day, it is new skills and new ways of thinking and acting that create change and relief for a person.... it is often possible to learn those things using books and resources....  

Total relief is sometimes not possible... It is changed behaviour/choices and *improvement* of symptoms that we are aiming for. 

I guess sometimes we are stuck with the resources we've got available for the time being, and there is nothing that can currently change that. When that happens, our best option is to seek out every resource that we do have and make full use of it....

 I wonder, have you ever seen forums with BPD sufferers and read what books have helped them the most? Some may recommend non-DBT based books. See what others like you have found helped them - (other than therapy). You may want to research and read books about codependency, dysfunctional families, narcissistic parents, depression, anxiety, self-harm. See what is highly recommended by Amazon users, then see if your libraries have them.

Anger is understandable, but it ultimately doesn't change or help our situation, it just leaves us in the same place. It's OK to feel and express it though! Expressing it is one PART of the journey but it's only one part of the picture.

There is nothing that magically or quickly changes the whole of our situation or life.... All we can do is start looking for the factors or behaviours that keep us stuck, and begin to weed them out one by one,and replace them with whatever different behaviours we can. I have seen you do that...

 Many things can be learned with tools and resources, while we wait for therapy... just keep going LW....

 Look for reasons to live, even if small... Ultimately we all make a choice whether to stay around or not...  

If we want to get anywhere, we have to really decide, "I'm staying," as firmly as we can, and then really get behind that decision. As Shawshank Redemption says, it's either get busy livin', or get busy dyin'.  xx


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## Harebells (May 27, 2014)

Sorry Lonewolf, I wasn't sure how far off the therapy was. Sometimes I just want to answer someone and make a connection with them but find it hard to know what to say or how to say it, especially when you're just typing and not there in person and able to pick up on other cues. I know when I'm in distress I need help right then and not in some fairytale future. I'm so sorry it's so hard for you now. People do care if you live or die, the world is better with you in it. I'm really glad to have met you x


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## Lonewolf (May 27, 2014)

I'm sorry,  I didn't mean to be off with anyone! Life just so hard and I feel so alone with it all!! The last thing I want to do is upset some of the best support I have!!!  
Thankyou for putting up with my moodiness!! Take care!


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## Mari (May 27, 2014)

Moodiness is fine - something I am pretty good at we spent over an hour talking about anger and I am still very confused so we are going to continue the discussion next week and hopefully she will have a handout or something for me to read about it. These are some of things we covered...

How members of my family deal with anger
How I deal with anger
What are the underlying issues?
My homework is to think about and write about my anger
Also to be mindfully aware of how I feel and to breathe through my anger

Hope that is a little bit helpful.


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## sunflower (May 28, 2014)

Hi. i am new here and just sort of getting used to these forums.  I just found what you wrote. Of course you are angry. How could you be anything but angry when you reach out for help irl and keep getting turned away.  I sometimes feel anger when I am in pain and do not have power over the situation.  

Healing is a process. Working on recovery is a process.  And they seem to be telling you that you should have the skills you need.  But the road to recovery/healing is a long one.  Heck, it makes me angry to read that people say these things to folks like yourself who just want help. People who just want to keep working on things.  And mostly people who need support irl.  

I hope that something will turn up irl or even a telephone peer to peer community online.  For what its worth, you do not sound schizophrenic to me at all.  Not even close. But I can understand the concern. Just as so many who have siblings and parents have this concern.  

I wish for you at the very least that there was a very strong support community for siblings who grew up with a brother, sister or parent who lived with schizophrenia.  I wish for us all that there was more support out there for mental illness. There is way too often a lack of support and assistance out there in the world.  And it is.... shameful for society to turn their back.  And ot it, well, anger provoking.  :flowers:


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## Harebells (May 28, 2014)

no please don't be sorry lonewolf! I'm actually really glad that you said something if it was frustrating for you to have people talking about the therapy. You haven't upset anyone. And I agree with the others that moodiness and anger are fine - are totally understandable in the circumstances!!! It's completely ridiculous that you're not able to get help.i hope today is better xx


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