# Scared



## tjgrahamcracker (Mar 11, 2009)

I've just met someone who is scaring me a little.  She wants to jump into a relationship.  Within two hours of meeting her she was acting jealous of a girl I talk to.  She said a few things that set off flags for me "maybe not yet but you will" pertaining to me changing my plans and lifestyle to make room for her.  In a number of ways...  Now, I have no idea what I want out of a relationship, but this doesn't feel right!  There are some nice girls in my life that I have been afraid to ask out on dates...but besides someone taking over my life they seem like kittens!  I need to assert my feelings and be adamant enough to stand by them.  It's waay too fast for me and she barely even knows me!  What I know about her is she is really fast-moving which I don't feel gives me room to be myself.  She's extremely busy and stressed out.  She doesn't sleep much and says she has been prescribed amphetamines that she found some loophole to get(?)  

In all honesty I'm scared of her.  Terrified really, because I'm afraid I won't be able to say no.  I have just started to face my anxiety and depressive issues with therapy and start to gain control over my life and I am not very happy about having a controlling person in my life.  I want to be in control!

phew I'm scared.  I can't sleep.


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## arlene (Mar 11, 2009)

*Re: scared*

Ask yourself are you scared go have a relationship or you're afraid to the girl because of the way she is. You need to analyze first and ask her are you both ready for have that kind of relationship? :support:


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## tjgrahamcracker (Mar 11, 2009)

*Re: scared*

well I guess, without asking her I know I'm not ready!  I'm not opposed to the idea of dating right now, but not something that serious!  If over time I start to feel something for someone it would feel a lot more comfortable to take it further.

I guess the other part is that the girl seems controlling and I'm afraid I'll get trapped in a relationship I don't like!  I don't know much about her but already I'm turned off.

She wants to study a lot in the future...  While that would be beneficial.... ugh  If she wants a relationship she has to stand in line with everyone else...  and do it on my terms.  i feel like she crossed a few boundaries.


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## NicNak (Mar 11, 2009)

*Re: scared*

I had something simular happen to me. The guy on the first date was acting like we were already comitted.  Like you said about this girl, I didn't really know him.  

I hated to have to do it, but I told the person that my anxiety levels around them were to high and I could not handle it.  Period.  

I had to realize that no matter what, the other person would be disapointed.  But that was the lesser of the hurts.  Cause if I would have continued, I would have stressed out and possably relapsed.   

This situation also taught me that I wasn't quite ready to take that step too.  So it is another thing I have to work through.



tjgrahamcracker said:


> In all honesty I'm scared of her. Terrified really, because I'm afraid I won't be able to say no. I have just started to face my anxiety and depressive issues with therapy and start to gain control over my life and I am not very happy about having a controlling person in my life. I want to be in control!



This really hit home with me.  This was exactly how I felt.   Always remember, it is never "too late" to back out of a "relationship" you are not comfortable with.   As I stated above, I would rather have to disapoint someone, than to have a panic attack around the person all the time.  

I hope my sharing my experince helped. 

What I did I explained I was too anxious (he was aware of my situation) and said it wasn't his fault (although I am not sure, but I had to go with how I felt)  I left it like that.  I cut all ties, cause I could not have him trying to talk me back into it.  It might sound like a horrible defence mechinism, but I am in too vunerable of a situation so I protected myself the best way I could.

:support:


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## tjgrahamcracker (Mar 11, 2009)

*Re: scared*

Thanks NicNak, that _was _ helpful 

I guess I am afraid of dissapointing others.  I have trouble dealing with guilt trips.  I get emotionally involved when someone says "you can't!" because I feel like things can be resolved.  But still, I know some people can't take no for an answer.

So I want to be able to say that I can't handle someone into my life like that.  Plus she doesn't strike me(honestly) as someone I know I can be with instantly.  Even if that is how she felt about me(apparently :?).  Is there a nicer way to express this to someone?  I have a softer style and I couldn't be this blunt with someone.

But I know I need to stand by what I think, no matter what...


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## NicNak (Mar 11, 2009)

*Re: scared*



tjgrahamcracker said:


> Thanks NicNak, that _was _ helpful



You are most welcome :support:



> I guess I am afraid of dissapointing others.  I have trouble dealing with guilt trips.  I get emotionally involved when someone says "you can't!" because I feel like things can be resolved.  But still, I know some people can't take no for an answer.



This has happened to me before too.  I think that is why I took the approach to dealing with my personal situation the way I did.  How I handled it, I didn't leave any room for them to negotiate with me and guilt trip me.  Although he sure tried.  He texted and phoned my phone for days after, but I never replied.  Because I figured if I did, it would just fuel him more.  

I guess in a sense, I just let him burn himself out with regards to "chasing" me.



> So I want to be able to say that I can't handle someone into my life like that.  Plus she doesn't strike me(honestly) as someone I know I can be with instantly.  Even if that is how she felt about me(apparently :?).  Is there a nicer way to express this to someone?  I have a softer style and I couldn't be this blunt with someone.



It is tricky.  Do you have to deal with this person on a regular basis?  Are they in your direct circle of people, say a co-worker  a neighbour etc?

You could just explain maybe that things are going to fast for your comfort level and that you must step back, because it isn't something you can handle right now and just leave it be.  

If she persists, I would just tell her, that you have explained how you feel and you do not wish to discuss it anymore.  That is what I did.



> But I know I need to stand by what I think, no matter what...



absolutely!  

One thing I also had to learn, that doing things to protect myself or doing what is best for myself, does not make me a bad person.  

You are still a good person and it does not take anything away from that.  

Because we tend to be sensitive people, we feel it hard when we stand up for ourselves.  But as I have also learned, many people do this all the time and when people "reject" me (sorry bad choice of words, but 9:00am is early for me still  ) I just except it and move on. 

Others will eventually too.   

Hope this helps too.  :support:  

There is a Psychlinks post called "the sensitive person"   I will post it right after this for you to read.  Many of us really related to this artical.  Maybe you will too and it will help you understand your feelings.  :support:

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ---------- 

Here is the post I had mentioned.  I hope you find it helpful too.

The Highly Sensitive Person - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help  & Mental Health Support Forum


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## Into The Light (Mar 11, 2009)

your description of her behaviour set off a number of red flags with me. the fact that they did with you, and also that you feel uncomfortable with her and are scared of her are plenty of reasons that you should not commit to this person. she's moving way too fast, seems controlling, and has a drug problem. i'd say run.

i can't remember but did you recently break up with someone? if so, you can say you just aren't ready for someone new in your life right now. i would also try to not be around her if at all possible.


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## Atlantean (Mar 11, 2009)

tjgrahamcracker said:


> I've just met someone who is scaring me a little.  She wants to jump into a relationship.  Within two hours of meeting her she was acting jealous of a girl I talk to.  She said a few things that set off flags for me "maybe not yet but you will" pertaining to me changing my plans and lifestyle to make room for her.  In a number of ways...  Now, I have no idea what I want out of a relationship, but this doesn't feel right!  There are some nice girls in my life that I have been afraid to ask out on dates...but besides someone taking over my life they seem like kittens!  I need to assert my feelings and be adamant enough to stand by them.  It's waay too fast for me and she barely even knows me!  What I know about her is she is really fast-moving which I don't feel gives me room to be myself.  She's extremely busy and stressed out.  She doesn't sleep much and says she has been prescribed amphetamines that she found some loophole to get(?)
> 
> In all honesty I'm scared of her.  Terrified really, because I'm afraid I won't be able to say no.  I have just started to face my anxiety and depressive issues with therapy and start to gain control over my life and I am not very happy about having a controlling person in my life.  I want to be in control!
> 
> phew I'm scared.  I can't sleep.




It sounds pretty obvious to me you already know what you have to do. the girl sounds like a walking disaster.  I think you just need the courage to do the right thing.  It only gets worse!


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## Jazzey (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Timothy,

As others have already suggested, I think you may already know the answer to your dilemma.  While it sometimes easy to get sucked into the feeling of being flattered by the attention, I don't think this is someone who should be in your life right now.

Take some time and figure things out for yourself. As you've so eloquently stated yourself, you're just starting to figure things out for yourself. Stay safe right now until you're feeling better.  

I think in this situation, I may tell her that I'm not ready for a relationship.  Your explanation doesn't have to be very convoluted.  Just that - that you're not in a situation right now where you're looking for a relationship.  Then, try if you can to keep a safe distance from her Timothy. I really believe that she may be a little too much for you right now...


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## tjgrahamcracker (Mar 11, 2009)

ha you are right Atlantean, it can only get worse!  I know it seems like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but it is a weird situation for me.  And I'm just learning to be more assertive lately.

I reached out to a lot of people about this and that was great for me.  It really helped me get up courage, and take perspective.  I bet her mom will understand how i feel about it.  I would feel terrible if she didn't want to be my friend anymore just because I didn't want to go out with her daughter...  That wouldn't be very nice though!  I don't think I have to be an open book for her, but just to give her a few details that are big for me.  For instance, she wants a relationship and I am not after that.  Plus she is really busy and that's not my style.  Or in other words if she doesn't understand, she's too fast.  It's just not my style and she made me uncomfortable.  I'm still dating, and meeting and getting to know people is more important to me right now.  No offense to her or her daughter.  Then I can tell her that on a better note, I found a study partner in my class and we're going to start on spring break.

And I don't even know the girl personally, so I don't feel like I have to explain anything to her.  I am just going to tell her I don't want a relationship and that I found someone in my class to study with.  I don't want her in my life, I don't need to discuss my gut feelings with the person I know to stay away from.

It makes me feel strong to reach out to my friends and family, and people on here.  And I'm so happy I can reach out and get support from people in so many ways.  This was the first place I went, it really helps me open up.  Thanks Nicnak and Intothelight, it's always great to hear your perspectives.  And Atlantean and Arlene it was nice to hear your thoughts too, thank you.

I am not afraid, and I feel in control so that's a great step!  Therapy has been great by the way, it was intense but I felt some progress last time!  After only 3 sessions!  I'm so happy I made the decision to start, I can't wait to go back, but I still have homework to do for my therapist(and for me).  Take care everyone!


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## NicNak (Mar 11, 2009)

I am really glad you got up the courage today.  I am so proud of you :support:

Let us know how it goes.  I am sure you will do just fine


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## tjgrahamcracker (Mar 17, 2009)

Well, the whole situation went pretty smoothly.  It's blown over now, as far as I'm concerned.  I guess I should talk to the mom a little though, and try to loosen her up and make sure she knows I'm not mad at her or anything.  I couldn't have done it without all the help.  Thanks everyone.


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## NicNak (Mar 17, 2009)

I am glad everthing worked out well for you.  That is great.  I am sure you are very relieved now.


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