# Help me figure this out, please



## MariahHavoc (Aug 22, 2010)

Hey my name is Mariah and I'm 26 years old. 

I don't even know where to begin and it's hard to keep this short but here it goes..A little history is my mom abandoned me when I was 4 months old and my Dad who is and was a huge alcoholic raised me with the help of gf's along the way and different family members. 

I was a really strange kid. I was very angry and rebelious and always starving for attention. When I was a teenager I tried to commit suiside 2 times with very strong sleeping pills and was almost sucessful the last time. I was in the mental hospital about 3 times and perscribed different meds that I only took for a week or two then stopped. When I was 18 I moved to a different province where I didn't know anyone and became a stripper. Thats what I did for 3 years of my life... partied... drank everyday of my life and got into cocaine when I drank too. 

Then when I was about 22 I met a guy I only knew for 3 months, thought I was in love and we had a baby, my daughter Grace who is almost 5 now. After I had Grace I had severe post-partum depression and was in and out of the hospital about 3-4 times and on numerous meds. At one point I was on an antipsychotic and an antidepressant and 2 sleeping pills. I found it calmed me down at first and they helped me sleep but then I gained like 30 pounds and started feeling more depressed so I took myself off everything. 

I thought I was starting to feel better after all that. I had life back in me and was hyper again. I sort of developed my eating disorder that I have had on and off since I was 14 years old and I lost a lot of weight...  {_specifics of weight removed}_ My relationship with Grace was okay... not great. Like I didn't want to hurt her or hurt myself (I never wanted to hurt her through my whole depression) but I just wanted my life to go back to the way it was. I loved Grace but I didn't want to stay home and take care of her. So I thought I would try going back to dancing and that only made me drink and do drugs. 

After a bit Andy (Grace's Dad) had enough of me just partying and not looking after myself or Grace he said I had to leave and then I went to live with a friend. I saw Grace every few days here and there and I partied away most of the time. I then met a guy who is now my current boyfriend (Rick) things were good at this point. Oh and along the way somewhere I ended up on a different medication called Cipralex. I took that for about 2 years and thought it was great. Life was doing pretty good. Rick and I had a nice place and I was on meds that worked for me and I was getting Grace and she was living with me half the time. I still partied when I didn't have Grace. I always liked to drink and any excuse I could I would. I ended up taking myself off the meds and that was the worst side effects ever... I was sooo irritable and couldn't stop crying. I got through it. 

Now the past few months I feel I been out of control. My eating disorder is back. _{specifics of weight removed}_ My sleeping is on and off. I will go 2 -3 weeks with hardly any sleep or it will be like how I am at this moment and I just can't get enough sleep or keep my eyes open. I'm so irritable right now like everything makes me mad, I'm snapping about everything. I'm crying so much my eyes are swollen. I just want to eat everything in sight even thought I'm not that hungry. I'm having either thoughts where I want to run away from my boyfriend, my daugter, and my life to go live and be with this other guy I kinda been talking to. Or I'm having suicide thoughts... like I want to off myself but the only thing is stopping me is that I'm a little scared. I'm not being a good mother because I don't even want to get out of bed and take care of myself so taking care of Grace seems like hell. 

This is how I am right now. Other times I'm in party mode and all I want to do is drink. The only times I am happy is when I have money to shop and buy things... I'm drinking and partying with friends. I also am attention hungry. I always have a boyfriend but after about 2 years I get "bored" and I find a different guy. I love the newness of a relationship and that's it. I'm rambling and I'm sorry but this is just how it's coming out. Right now I want to up and leave. I'm so angry and irritable. I hate everyone and everything. I would rather go in a hole. My moods are all over the place. 

I have so many more things that's wrong with me but I can't keep typing. If someone could try to put all the pieces together and help me figure things out please help. I don't want medication..they all make me fat and that makes me more depressed. Please help me. I'm sooo sad right now.

Mariah


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 22, 2010)

*Re: Answers would be great... please what do you think?*

First, Mariah, nbot all medications are alike and there are some thatc are less likely to cayuse weight gain, so I wouldn't give up after just trying 2 or 3.

Second, you talk about being on medication and off medication but you don't mention counselling or psychotherapy at all. Is this something you been involved in... ever? Medication can help but it can't do it all.

Third, have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist who can accurately diagnose you? Some of the symptoms you describe don't sound like simple depression to me.

You are only 26 and it appears that while you have made some efforts to seek help these have been sporadic and incomplete. There is certainly reason to hope that your life can be a lot better than it has been to date, but you'll need to be open to doing more work in therapy. There are no easy fixes but there are fixes.


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## MariahHavoc (Aug 22, 2010)

Thanks for replying so soon.

Yeah I have had a therapist for most of my teenage years. And I have talked to a few people when I was an in and out patient of the hospital and I just get angry with them. I don't feel any of them are good enough or strong enough to help me. I feel like I am so messed up I can't be helped. 

You said this doesn't sound like simple depression well I know you can't diagnose me but what do you think I sound like? Like I'm giving up slowly and I don't want to go to hospital because I don't want to get locked in there. Last time I was in there after Grace was born they just kept me in a room and no one talked to me and told me what was going on. Just fed me a bunch of medications. 

I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm so sad. But it's not always like this. Sometimes I'm on top of the world. But it's like when it's bad it's really bad. But see I don't know if I'm just hiding up the bad with drinking and shopping and controlling my food. I don't feel I know who I am anymore.


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 22, 2010)

MariahHavoc said:


> Yeah I have had a therapist for most of my teenage years. And I have talked to a few people when I was an in and out patient of the hospital and I just get angry with them. I don't feel any of them are good enough or strong enough to help me. I feel like I am so messed up I can't be helped.


 
Not all therapists are created equal and hospitals are overburdened and short-staffed. It sounds to me like you have some issues that are going to need an experienced therapist - and for starters a psychiatrist who can prescribe appropriate medications for you. The starting point will be with your family doctor - ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (outpatient) and suggestions for a psychologist. You're not "so messed up you can't be helped". You just need the right practitioners and the right treatment combinations.



MariahHavoc said:


> You said this doesn't sound like simple depression well I know you can't diagnose me but what do you think I sound like? Like I'm giving up slowly and I don't want to go to hospital because I don't want to get locked in there. Last time I was in there after Grace was born they just kept me in a room and no one talked to me and told me what was going on. Just fed me a bunch of medications.


 
No, I do not diagnose online. I will say that several things occurred to me reading your history, including adult attachment disorder, bipolar disorder or cyclothymia, or maybe borderline personality traits, but there is also the eating disorder which you shouldn't take lightly, and the problem of substance abuse. I also wondered about PTSD and whether there was any history of abuse, trauma, or self-injury. 

But all of these are suggested merely possibilities to be explored - they are not diagnoses. I don't have enough information to comment on the likelihood of any of these and this is not an exhaustive list of possibilities either - there could well be others.



MariahHavoc said:


> I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm so sad. But it's not always like this. Sometimes I'm on top of the world. But it's like when it's bad it's really bad. But see I don't know if I'm just hiding up the bad with drinking and shopping and controlling my food. I don't feel I know who I am anymore.



These extremes of mood are one of the things that needs attention. As I said, start with your family doctor and get referrals to experienced mental health professionals who can give you the help you need.


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## MariahHavoc (Aug 22, 2010)

Okay..thank you for your time. I don't have a family doctor so I will have to wait in a hospital and probably will get locked up. I'm in a very small town. There are not a lot of doctors and help for people. So I don't know..But thanks again


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 22, 2010)

It's unlikely they will lock you up - among other things, hospitals are very short of beds so they're not going to assign one of those scarce beds to someone who can be managed as an outpatient.

What about walk-in clinics in your area?


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 22, 2010)

For more information and suggestions:

*Mental Health Grey Bruce, Family Support Initiative*
Mental Health & Addiction Services in Grey Bruce


> The Family Support Initiative (FSI) of Mental Health Grey Bruce provides a Family Coping Skills Program in communities throughout Grey and Bruce counties to assist family members of relatives with a mental illness. Groups run from four to six sessions long. Additionally, Family Support Meetings offer opportunities for exchange of information, coping strategies and resources. 1139 2nd Avenue East, Owen Sound, Ontario. For more information call 519-371-4802 or e-mail fsi@gbchc.org



*Crisis Intervention Team*
Mental Health Service Information Ontario (MHSIO) - Online Service Directory - Grey Bruce Health Services - Crisis Intervention Team



> The Crisis Team is a group of nurses and social workers specially trained to help individuals and their support person deal with a psychosocial or psychiatric crisis. This program offers three separate services which include a 24 hour seven day a week crisis telephone line, crisis intervention team and three holding beds at the hospital in Owen Sound. Model of service is telephone-risk assessment in the Owen Sound Emergency Room. Average length of stay is one to 24 hours.
> Telephone: (519) 376-2121
> Toll Free: 1-877-470-5200
> Website: Grey Bruce Health Services



*Mental Health Service Information Ontario (MHSIO*)


> MHSIO is a 1-800 line and website that provides you with information about the location and availability of mental health services and supports in your community and across Ontario.
> Phone: 1-800-531-2600



Dr. Dan Dalton & Associates: Family Counselling, Child & Adolescent Psychology Counselling Services


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## Retired (Aug 22, 2010)

Mariah,



> I don't have a family doctor



Try searching for a family doctor using the website of The College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.

Select Doctor Search | All Doctor Search at the top of the page and fill in the blanks.

Information on how to best use local resources to find a new doctor can be found HERE  and scroll down to _"Finding a New Doctor"_

Try using the search function to locate a medical clinic near you on the Primacy Site.  This is a collection of medical services in Canada with a variety of services including walk in clinics.

I recently needed to find a new family doctor and found a local Primacy Clinic taking on new patients.  If you live in a small town, you may have to consider traveling a bit for your health care, because sometimes local resources are limited.  Among other places, Primacy Clinics are located inside Loblaw Superstores.

Let us know how you make out in your search.


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## MariahHavoc (Aug 22, 2010)

I don't understand how you knew where I live


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## David Baxter PhD (Aug 22, 2010)

I don't know where you live. The IP address of your posts just tells me the general area.


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