# What is wrong with me?



## Chad.S (Oct 18, 2006)

Here is my background.

I am 23 right now.  At 15 I was in a car accident with my father that gave me a concussion and knocked me out for several hours.  I joined the military in 2001.  In November 2002 I heard from my father that my close uncle had shot and killed himself when he was being confronted by law enforcement.  In Feb 2003 I had my first suicide attempt via overdose.  I was sent to a mental health ward in the military hospital for 5 days and released.  2 months later I tried again but this time by cuting my wrists.  After that attempt my commanding officer recommended that I be seperated from the military.  In July 2004 I received an Honorable Discharge under a Personality Disorder.  I received a 30% Disability fron the VA for a Major Depressive Disorder after a few months of civilian life after I tried to kill myself again.  

From the time when I left the military to now I still have major depression and dont have any social life, no steady job (been fired from 3 and quit 2 others), tried doing college but cant concentrate and memorize anything so I failed out of 2 classes and withdrew out of the other 4 in a two term period.  

The scary party that I need someone's help with is for a little over a year now I have had the thoughts of what it would be like to take the life of my parents and other people.  How would it make me feel.  Would I feel any remorse.  They keep getting stronger and stronger to the point where I feel that I will act on these emotions and thoughts very soon.  

Why would I want to hurt my parents just to see how it felt like.  I know that cant be normal.  I have tried several mental health hospitals but they never worked so far.  Has anyone experienced anything like this before?  What is the cause and how to I get it under control before I follow through?  

Thank you for any help.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Oct 18, 2006)

Hi Chad

Firstly let me say that I really feel for you.  Dealing with these kinds of intrusive thoughts is always difficult, no matter what they are.  

Suffice to say that these thoughts are not healthy ones, mind you - neither are the thoughts about harming yourself.  Now that you've isolated them, you DO NEED to get yourself into therapy, and start talking them through with a specialist.  Medication will help, but they won't work on their own.  

You mentioned that you suffered a concussion when you were younger?  Are you worried about damage to your brain?  Have you had cat/mri scans since to see if there is damage to the tissue?


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 18, 2006)

Chad, are you still receiving VA benefits? or eligible to do so?

I would recommend an assessment not only of the depression/aggression issues but also of cognitive functioning. There is no way to tell from your description alone but the attentional difficulties could be "organic" (physical) or psychological in origin and determining that might be the first step. A consultation with a neurologist and/or neuropsychologist would be helpful.

Are you currently in therapy and are you taking any medications at the present time? What about substance use - is that an issue?


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## Chad.S (Oct 18, 2006)

Thanks for the quick responses.  

I have had CAT and MRI scans and I dont believe they found anything if I recall right.

I think im still receiving VA benefits I dont have control over my finances anymore since I went on a rampage of about 4 thousand dollars of reckless spending on my fathers credit card about 9 months ago so he has all my finances.  

I was given medication way back when but I stopped taking them about 7 months ago cause I didnt feel like they helped.  

The therapy that the VA doctor assigned me didnt help me at all since they never talked about our problems just let us ramble on for an hour.  

I have never taken any drugs in my life, I dont smoke, and I rarely drink.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Oct 18, 2006)

Chad, 

When you were getting therapy, were you going _with _your parents?  Who is the 'us' that were let to ramble?


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 18, 2006)

I'm guessing it was group therapy, Phoenix.

Chad, I do think it's time for you to get back into seeing somebody, preferably in individual therapy, and back to some medication. You need to start with a psychologist or psychiatrist who is competent to diagnose you - I'm wondering now about bipolar disorder among other things.

My strong recommendation is that you try to initiate an appointment as soon as possible.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Oct 18, 2006)

Also - have you discussed _*these *_thoughts with a therapist?

also:  





> You need to start with a psychologist or psychiatrist who is competent to diagnose you


.  What David says here is very important.  If indeed you were involved in group therapy then you _weren't_ getting the attention that you need.  Also, many times, conductors of group therapy may not specialise in the 'particular' condition that you may be suffering from.  

You need to see a specialist, explain your thoughts, the frequency and your worry that you will act on them soon.  If the person you see does not specialize in that area then they can refer you to someone that can properly help you.


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## Chad.S (Oct 18, 2006)

No my parents didnt come.  The therapy group was 1 moderator and 7-9 people in therapy with me.  The moderater just asked us how we all were and let us talk about anything and that always was about other stuff then the problems that brought us to the group.


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## Chad.S (Oct 18, 2006)

One problem with seeing a non VA doctor is the money issue.  We arnt poor poor but we arnt financially set enough to allow me to see a normal doctor.

No I havent told anyone these thoughts I have kept them inside because I dont want to let anyone else feel what I am feeling.  Ever time I see my family I see enough hurt and pain in them without adding that their son is thinking of killing them


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Oct 18, 2006)

If the money is financial then discuss the above with your VA therapist.  They should be able to refer you to someone within that organisation that can help.  (Is VA a military based aid?)


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## David Baxter PhD (Oct 18, 2006)

Under certain conditions, the VA also does fund sessions with non-VA therapists (presumably that would be where you need services beyond what can be provided by VA employees in your area).


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## Chad.S (Oct 18, 2006)

I believe it is military based aid.  Since I had over 30% service connected disability it gives me free health care for life.  I dont know how well the VA doctors are in diagnosing and treating compared to regular doctors.


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## ThatLady (Oct 18, 2006)

I think the important thing is to get these thoughts and feelings out on the table for a professional to look at with you, Chad. You need to make an appointment with your VA doctor and discuss this honestly. Get these feelings out there. If your VA doctor feels that working with you is beyond his abilities, he'll recommend treatment elsewhere. The thing is, you've got to step up to the plate and talk! It's important for you, and for your family.


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## Halo (Oct 18, 2006)

Chad 

I definitely agree with what everyone else here has suggested in that getting to see a profession and letting them know what is going on with you lately especially about the intrusive thoughts that you are having is extremely important.  Hopefully your VA doctor will be able to assist you but if not then he/she will probably know someone who can.

I really wouldn't hesitate on making an appointment.  The sooner the better.

Take care


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## Chad.S (Oct 18, 2006)

I made the earliest appt with my VA doctor for 3pm this Friday.  I asked if I went to a civilian doctor if VA would cover the payment but they said they wont so I am bound to the VA care only until I get some more money or figure out some other way.  

Right now while im typing this I am feeling more depressed then normal and I normally fell very depressed so I am not sure why today is differenet I havent done anything unsual or changed my daily activities.  I just hope the doctor can help me this time since last time it didnt seem to effective.


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## ThatLady (Oct 19, 2006)

I know it's easy to get discouraged, Chad, but it usually takes time to find the right course of therapy and medication for each individual patient. It also takes time, and consistent taking of medicaiton as ordered, for the medication to build up enough to work. Beating depression is a matter of patience, unfortunately. You just have to hang in there and keep trying. We're here to help.        :hug:


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## Halo (Oct 19, 2006)

Chad,

I am happy to hear that you made the call and that you have an appt. for this Friday.  I truly hope that things go well and that you are able to open up to him/her about what is really going on with you. My thoughts will be with you on Friday as I know it is not easy to open up about issues that are so sensitive.

Let us know how it turns out.


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## ^^Phoenix^^ (Oct 19, 2006)

Chad, 
I'm also glad that you made the call.  As everyone has said, it is very important for you to start talking about it with someone.  

As far as you being more depressed than normal;  If you have never spoken about the topic before then we are the first.  Having just admitted something like this to others, and having it somewhat out in the open, can bring huge negetive feelings; probably guilt, shame, anger, and depression.  

What you need to try to do is focus on the *huge *steps that you have taken over the last few days.  Admitting your feelings to yourself, to *us*, and also making an appointment to start the process of getting better.  Try to be proud of yourself here chad.  These types of feelings are not easy to admit, and you have been very brave.


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